Fiona Cauley: Two red heads do a podcast | Whiskey Ginger

Welcome to Whiskey Ginger a Wave series. Andrew Santino sits down with comedian Fiona Cauley for a hilarious and honest conversation about stand-up, confidence on stage, and turning life’s challenges into great comedy. They talk about Fiona’s rise in the stand-up world, developing her voice as a comic, navigating the industry, and how authenticity and perspective can make jokes hit even harder. It’s a sharp, funny, comic-to-comic conversation full of laughs and insight. In this episode: • Fiona’s journey into stand-up comedy • Writing jokes that come from real life • Santino and Fiona talk touring, bombing, and building confidence • Why perspective is everything in comedy Drop a comment with your favorite moment from the episode. #whiskeyginger #AndrewSantino #FionaCauley #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #PodcastClips #Comedians Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 1:21Andrew Santino?

  Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger: A Wave Series. Hello, WhisGinj fans. We are jumping around the country a little bit. I'm adding a few dates as I go. I'm not officially touring this year. But tomorrow night, me and Bobby Lee are going to be in Lincoln, California, which is right next door to Sacramento, doing a Bad Friends show at the Thunder Valley Casino. Then next weekend, I'm going to be at the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas, baby. Come out and see me at the Wynn Casino. Then I'm at the Lil' Roadie Fest in Providence, Rhode Island. And then I'm at the Borgata in Atlantic City, New Jersey. And then finally, Bad Friends are playing the YouTube Theater for Netflix's The Joke Fest here in Los Angeles. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. That's andrewsantino.com.

• 2:03Speaker 02

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 2:08Speaker 03

  Oh, that creature in the ginger beard! Sturdy and ginger. Like that, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

• 2:17Speaker 03

  For the whiskey, seventy-five dollars for the horse. Ginger, oh hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers.

• 2:27Andrew Santino?

  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Junior. Mike is today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I meet him once again today. It's Fiona Cauley. Fiona, I have to say it like that. Whenever I see your name online, I think of Shrek immediately.

• 2:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I do. And you have red hair, so you're not helping the cause.

• 2:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, and the worst part is I legally changed my name to Fiona at eighteen.

• 2:49Andrew Santino?

  You did.

• 2:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:50Andrew Santino?

  Your birth name was, let me guess, hold on. Let me, but Cauley's your last name, that is right. Okay, your fir-, give me the letter of your first name.

• 2:57Speaker 04

  L.

• 2:58Andrew Santino?

  Loser.

• 3:00Speaker 04

  So fucking close.

• 3:03Andrew Santino?

  Laura, Lauren.

• 3:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:05Andrew Santino?

  Lauren.

• 3:06Speaker 04

  That was good.

• 3:07Andrew Santino?

  Lauren Cauley. What's wrong with Lauren Cauley? Why Fiona?

• 3:09Speaker 04

  So boring.

• 3:10Andrew Santino?

  It's boring, yeah.

• 3:11Speaker 04

  I went by Fiona at nine, though.

• 3:14Andrew Santino?

  Wait, how did this happen? You just kinda, you were like, really Shrek?

• 3:18Speaker 04

  Well, no, no, well, a little bit, right?

• 3:23Andrew Santino?

  It's a great movie.

• 3:24Speaker 04

  It's changed my life.

• 3:27Speaker 04

  That's my Shrek out there.

• 3:29Andrew Santino?

  That's your Shrek?

• 3:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's your husband?

• 3:31Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 3:32Andrew Santino?

  Beautiful boy. He's a beautiful boy.

• 3:34Speaker 04

  Gorgeous baby angel.

• 3:36Andrew Santino?

  He is a gorgeous little baby angel. You, so Fiona was half from like your childhood influence and then half because you were like, I just can't get, this name sucks.

• 3:43Speaker 04

  Well, I, so I was nine, I didn't even know you could change your name.

• 3:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 3:49Speaker 04

  And my parents got divorced when I was nine and it was...

• 3:55Andrew Santino?

  We love a good divorce, especially at nine, when it really means something.

• 3:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:59Andrew Santino?

  Don't do it, for parents out there at home, please don't get a divorce before the kids know what's going on.

• 4:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 4:05Andrew Santino?

  Let them be aware of it, let it hurt, let it shape their childhood and ruin a piece of them.

• 4:09Speaker 04

  Feel like it is their fault.

• 4:11Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 4:12Speaker 04

  It makes for a strong character.

• 4:16Andrew Santino?

  My parents got divorced before I was one, so I have no. I don't know them together. I know I'm not as special as you.

• 4:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, they obviously don't care about you the way mine.

• 4:25Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 4:26Speaker 04

  Care about me.

• 4:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yours care about you in a way they wanted to damage you and leave you with trauma. And blame you and let you hold on to that until your adulthood.

• 4:34Speaker 04

  Yeah, and that trauma was so heavy, then I'm in a wheelchair.

• 4:38Andrew Santino?

  Put you in a wheelchair. Yeah, that's awful. That's crazy. So for those at home, divorce will put you in a wheelchair. I don't know if you know that, but this is a product of that. By the way, the internet is so gross now. I'm sure that somehow ChatGPT captures this. And doesn't understand the facetiousness and then something will pop up and go. Divorces have been tied to being led to people.

• 4:59Speaker 04

  I hope we have that effect on the internet.

• 5:01Andrew Santino?

  I think we do. I gotta tell you, I think it's happening live. There's so much misinformation, let's keep spreading it. Any more fake rumors that you want to push out?

• 5:13Speaker 04

  None that come to the top of my mind.

• 5:15Andrew Santino?

  Well, do all that. You told me before we started rolling, she said, because people may know, and this will be out after this has already happened, but. The final hostages from Gaza were released. And she goes, I think they gotta get a few more back and start it all over again.

• 5:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's a balance, you know.

• 5:34Andrew Santino?

  How long you been doing stand up?

• 5:36Speaker 04

  Uh, five years.

• 5:37Andrew Santino?

  Five years? That's amazing. You're cruising. That's awesome.

• 5:41Speaker 04

  I'm on autopilot.

• 5:43Andrew Santino?

  You really are. Let's do more, uh, let's do more wheelchair stuff. Yeah, okay.

• 5:48Speaker 04

  Don't worry, I'm charged up. I'm ready.

• 5:51Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you really popped a wheelie on the business. You really did. I did notice when you were backing up, I did hear it do the backup sound.

• 5:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's fucking rude. I hate it.

• 6:01Andrew Santino?

  You, what, can you not turn it off?

• 6:02Speaker 04

  Uh, with this one, you actually can. I've had a lot you can't. Trying to leave like funerals is really awkward.

• 6:12Andrew Santino?

  Just beeping up really slowly.

• 6:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:15Andrew Santino?

  But what are they gonna say? What are they gonna say?

• 6:19Speaker 04

  One day they will slash my tires, I can feel it coming.

• 6:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you will. Well, you get what you deserve.

• 6:24Speaker 04

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 6:25Andrew Santino?

  Five years, and you start, are you from Nashville?

• 6:28Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 6:28Andrew Santino?

  You are?

• 6:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:29Andrew Santino?

  God, that scene is unbelievable, man. You know, we talked before about a mutual friend, Zach Townsend, who I love, who's not from Nashville, but he's living there and has been there, and all of the guys that are down there. It's pretty crazy. That scene is, I mean, it was underrated for a long time. Now it's kind of getting the recognition it deserves.

• 6:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, I think it's because there's only one club there.

• 6:51Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but that's a good thing.

• 6:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:53Andrew Santino?

  I think all these other cities have like ninety, like, I went to school in Arizona. When I was in school, the Tempe Improv was the only club. And then now there's downtown, and there's up north, and, I mean, they're all over the place. Now there's like five or six.

• 7:06Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:07Andrew Santino?

  It's good, I guess, but I think something about a one-club city, it makes it super special.

• 7:13Speaker 04

  Mm.

• 7:13Andrew Santino?

  Like, it, like, I was just in New York, they told me they're gonna bring back the improv to New York, because it was there for a while. And I thought, I, I mean, do you need another?

• 7:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:23Andrew Santino?

  Another club? I don't know. It's kind of nice to have one that's home, that you have to fistfight to get into.

• 7:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:28Andrew Santino?

  It makes it more special.

• 7:29Speaker 04

  Feels more old-school, maybe.

• 7:31Andrew Santino?

  It does. Yeah, it does. And I love Zany's, man. That's like one of the best clubs in the country. And I think it's because it's, they've made, they've worked hard on creating an environment of like, really good comics, and you have to bust ass to be in there.

• 7:44Speaker 04

  Mm.

• 7:44Andrew Santino?

  And I think that's a good thing.

• 7:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:46Andrew Santino?

  I mean, I really do. I think without that, it gets a little... Whatever. I don't know. I'm an old dog in comedy, so to me, it's... I liked it when it was, when you really had, like, I had to slit a throat to become a regular at the Comedy Store. Literally, I had to kill a man.

• 7:59Speaker 04

  A comedian or a pedestrian?

• 8:01Andrew Santino?

  An open mic'er, yeah.

• 8:02Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, I mean...

• 8:03Andrew Santino?

  He deserved it.

• 8:04Speaker 04

  Had to happen.

• 8:05Andrew Santino?

  He had one really terrible joke, and they handed me a knife, and they said, "Do you want your name on the wall?"

• 8:11Speaker 04

  You got to write your name in his blood.

• 8:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I did. Yeah. And so every year, I have to sacrifice a new open mic'er, because the blood kind of doesn't, it doesn't stay.

• 8:20Speaker 04

  That goes back to the whole balance thing.

• 8:22Andrew Santino?

  Exactly right. That's right. So you grew up in Nashville.

• 8:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:26Andrew Santino?

  Born and raised, started comedy there. And then, are you gonna stay in Nashville? Or are you one of these people that's gonna depart and go somewhere else?

• 8:31Speaker 04

  I think I'll stay. And we fly everywhere. So it's like, I'm never where I live for that long.

• 8:39Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 8:40Speaker 04

  You know, like, I'm home like, five days a month.

• 8:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's not, how, and, and, is your hu- your husband's in stand-up too?

• 8:47Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 8:48Andrew Santino?

  So, is this, is this a point of contention as well sometimes? Where it's like, you're try- it doesn't matter?

• 8:52Speaker 04

  No, no, it's been good. I mean, he goes on a road with another comedian, but he's starting to come with me a lot, which has been awesome, because...

• 9:02Andrew Santino?

  That's great.

• 9:03Speaker 04

  I mean, I know I'm faking it, but like, we talked about keeping the looks up for this. I need...

• 9:08Andrew Santino?

  You do.

• 9:09Speaker 04

  Someone I trust to carry me, you know?

• 9:11Andrew Santino?

  Being this performative does get expensive, though, I will say.

• 9:14Speaker 04

  I just really love prop comedy.

• 9:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, move over, Carrot Top. There's a new redhead prop.

• 9:23Speaker 04

  Carrot Bottom.

• 9:28Andrew Santino?

  It is, that is so funny. Well, it's good to have, that's the hardest part about being away from someone you love. The road gets so lonely. Even if you're with like, your best friend, you know, your people that feature for me, like, even if I'm with like, a good friend that I love, there's those moments you're like, oh dude, I just wanna be home so bad. You have home with you, so you're good. You have no excuse. You better not give me this "I'm sad" shit.

• 9:49Speaker 04

  I'm the happiest, there is nothing bad about my life.

• 9:53Andrew Santino?

  That's exactly right. As I can see.

• 9:55Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 9:56Andrew Santino?

  That's exactly...

• 9:58Andrew Santino?

  As you said, uh, I've learned, I've, because of you, um, I was a fan. I was like, oh, I, you're great, I've seen your stuff and I thought you were great. And then, um, when I started to look into you talking about Friedrichs attacksia?

• 10:13Speaker 04

  Friedrichs, like the German guy.

• 10:15Andrew Santino?

  Oh, Nazi stuff.

• 10:16Speaker 04

  Yes, of course.

• 10:17Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they would do this, wouldn't they?

• 10:20Speaker 04

  They were like, women? No, they, yeah, yeah.

• 10:23Andrew Santino?

  And, oh, wait, men get it too, no?

• 10:26Speaker 04

  They do.

• 10:27Andrew Santino?

  But not as often.

• 10:28Speaker 04

  Well, they colonize our disease, yeah, and they can like, walk.

• 10:33Andrew Santino?

  They can.

• 10:35Speaker 04

  Some of them.

• 10:35Andrew Santino?

  Some of them can run.

• 10:39Speaker 04

  But not for long.

• 10:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's right.

• 10:41Speaker 04

  That's the beauty of progressive diseases.

• 10:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's gonna get you eventually. It's pretty cool. It's like, it's like being chased in a dream. It's gonna get you.

• 10:49Speaker 04

  Dude, I posted a video one time. You know those things you punch and it like calculates how strong your punch was?

• 10:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, the machine that you hit? Yeah.

• 10:58Speaker 04

  I did that and I was standing and someone was trying to hold my like waist to keep me up. And someone goes, "She punches like I do in dreams." Really good. Really good.

• 11:12Andrew Santino?

  What number did you get on the score?

• 11:14Speaker 04

  One.

• 11:15Andrew Santino?

  Num- you got one?

• 11:16Speaker 04

  Well, I am number one.

• 11:18Andrew Santino?

  You are number one. That's what it means. Wow. And that's just, you know, honestly, it should have given you a zero. It should have told the truth.

• 11:26Speaker 04

  But you know what? I'll take it. A win's a win. If you ain't first, you're last.

• 11:32Andrew Santino?

  That's exactly right. And you're first and last, so either way you look at it.

• 11:36Speaker 04

  Right. Especially on airplanes.

• 11:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Traveling's gotta be a fucking nightmare.

• 11:41Speaker 04

  A nightmare.

• 11:42Andrew Santino?

  It's the worst. It's the worst thing in the world. It sucks in general. Must suck even harder for you.

• 11:47Speaker 04

  Well, especially at the airport. Um, apparently there's people, you've seen people not disabled use the wheelchair?

• 11:57Andrew Santino?

  Drives me fucking insane.

• 11:59Speaker 04

  They call them, uh, what is it? Like runway Jesus? Cause the minute they land, they run off the fucking...

• 12:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. And they just, they're, they're appropriating your culture.

• 12:10Speaker 04

  It, nothing makes me angry.

• 12:13Andrew Santino?

  Their wheelchair face.

• 12:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 12:14Andrew Santino?

  It's disgusting.

• 12:15Speaker 04

  It's disgusting.

• 12:16Andrew Santino?

  It makes me so fucking mad when I see that. Look, if you're old as shit.

• 12:20Speaker 04

  Fine.

• 12:20Andrew Santino?

  Okay.

• 12:21Speaker 04

  Uh, yeah.

• 12:21Andrew Santino?

  Fine. If you're a young person who's, who's able-bodied and I see you get in and out of that thing, we should be able to paralyze you.

• 12:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 12:29Andrew Santino?

  That should be the payback.

• 12:30Speaker 04

  And I'm not trying to be controversial.

• 12:33Andrew Santino?

  Let's do it.

• 12:34Speaker 04

  But being fat? Uh-uh. Uh-uh. You could use a walk down the dirt bridge, you know?

• 12:42Andrew Santino?

  That's right. That's...

• 12:46Andrew Santino?

  That's funny. I had a joke years ago about that and people got mad. People just hated it. About how I just never understood how overweight people got to park in the handicap parking spots. I was like, that's crazy.

• 12:58Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 12:59Andrew Santino?

  The, the, the overweight parking should be at the back of the lot.

• 13:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 13:03Andrew Santino?

  You shouldn't be the closest.

• 13:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, and like you get to move closer and closer with every 10 pounds.

• 13:08Andrew Santino?

  Exactly right. You lose some weight, then you get, then there should be skinny spots right up front for skinny, pretty people.

• 13:13Speaker 04

  Look at you. I'm so proud of you.

• 13:18Speaker 04

  It's a cycle because the closer they get, the fatter they'll get. Now they're at the back. Balance.

• 13:23Andrew Santino?

  Balance. This show is gonna be called Balance. Balance with Fiona.

• 13:27Speaker 04

  Yeah, I really love it.

• 13:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it really is. Yeah, I guess you.

• 13:32Andrew Santino?

  You have good balance in here and in here. Your comedy has great balance.

• 13:36Speaker 04

  Not in here.

• 13:37Andrew Santino?

  Not in there. No, not in there. Well, it's moving around.

• 13:40Speaker 04

  Something's happening. I'm kicking a beer for sure. Yeah.

• 13:45Andrew Santino?

  Well, your comedy has good balance. I'll say that. I really do think you're so funny. And I think most of the, most of the new world of comedy saw you through the Kill Tony world.

• 13:56Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 13:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Does that make, are you annoyed by that or you like that?

• 13:59Speaker 04

  No, I think that's, the only thing that's like kind of annoying is I was already doing it.

• 14:05Andrew Santino?

  Doing stand-up, yeah.

• 14:06Speaker 04

  And a lot of people are like, oh my god, her first time. And I'm like, uh-uh.

• 14:10Andrew Santino?

  No, no. Well, as a comic, we know that. But I mean, that's the thing. It's kind of like someone said the other day. A buddy said to me about, about Gillis. He said that because I was, we were out in New York together and he's like, that guy just came out of nowhere. I was like, no, that's, I mean, yes, yes, to America, sure, I guess. But all of us have been, you just, America just gets to see it when something happens.

• 14:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:33Andrew Santino?

  But the idea that it's like, oh, started a year or, you know, less than a year ago and now is selling out arenas, like, that's not a real thing.

• 14:40Speaker 04

  Right.

• 14:40Andrew Santino?

  And if it was, we should all quit.

• 14:42Speaker 04

  I guess these open micers, a weird sense of like that, give me one year.

• 14:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's all I need is one year. That's it. 10,000 hours. I need 10 hours. That's it. And then I'm in. That's it.

• 14:53Speaker 04

  10 hours spread out in eight years.

• 14:56Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 14:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. And then you're a superstar overnight. No, but you're right. I do think like, the beauty of Kill Tony is that you do, I do get to see people. Pop off that deserve it, which is good, you know? And I'm sure you know that there's people that you think don't deserve it. I mean, you sent me an entire email of names of people you hate.

• 15:15Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:15Andrew Santino?

  And we'll put up the names.

• 15:16Speaker 04

  Thank you for reading that.

• 15:17Andrew Santino?

  My editor, Jo. Jo, please put up all the names that she told us right here in the middle of all the people that she can't stand that made it. We do want to dock you a little bit.

• 15:24Speaker 04

  No, and I love that. That's a quality. Thank you for treating me normal.

• 15:29Andrew Santino?

  That's right. I don't want to give you special treatment.

• 15:31Speaker 04

  Right.

• 15:31Andrew Santino?

  You know, she made us open up the other door so she could get in. And I didn't like that. I said, "You should just be able to fight your way through and really get in on your own."

• 15:39Speaker 04

  This is America.

• 15:39Andrew Santino?

  This is America. Yeah, dude, for now. For now, but I'm excited.

• 15:45Speaker 04

  Oh, are we?

• 15:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'm excited. I want to speak Chinese. I'm excited for the takeover.

• 15:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:50Andrew Santino?

  They keep threatening us and I'm like, "Let's do it."

• 15:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 15:54Speaker 04

  And you're like, "Stop teasing me."

• 15:56Andrew Santino?

  Stop teasing me, China. Really, come get us.

• 15:58Speaker 04

  I don't think my fucking voice is made for Chinese.

• 16:02Andrew Santino?

  No, unfortunately, no.

• 16:03Speaker 04

  Uh-uh.

• 16:03Andrew Santino?

  No, they're much more, um, they're quick. Their speech is quick and it's... Yeah, I don't think you could match that. But do you know any other languages?

• 16:11Speaker 04

  Uh, I'm gonna say no.

• 16:15Andrew Santino?

  You do, don't you?

• 16:16Speaker 04

  No.

• 16:17Andrew Santino?

  You do.

• 16:17Speaker 04

  No.

• 16:18Andrew Santino?

  She's fluent in German.

• 16:19Speaker 04

  Yeah. I know Irish.

• 16:21Andrew Santino?

  You do?

• 16:22Speaker 04

  No.

• 16:23Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that would be fucking amazing. Colly is very, that is really... But also, Lauren?

• 16:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, so they did Lauren Colly initially because my mom really liked Lauren Bacall. And they thought...

• 16:39Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 16:40Speaker 04

  Do you know who that?

• 16:41Andrew Santino?

  Lauren Bacall, the actor?

• 16:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:44Andrew Santino?

  But what, she's like in love with her work and she was like...

• 16:46Speaker 04

  She was like, "She's pretty, so that'll make my kid pretty." And I was like, "No, it put me in a..."

• 16:52Andrew Santino?

  Wheelchair, yeah, that's awful. Is Lauren Bacall in a wheelchair?

• 16:56Speaker 04

  Probably now.

• 16:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 16:58Speaker 04

  She dead?

• 17:00Andrew Santino?

  Is she dead? Oh, she's dead.

• 17:01Speaker 04

  I think dead people are all in wheelchairs, you know?

• 17:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 17:05Speaker 04

  And they're great.

• 17:06Andrew Santino?

  She's dead. How old, how, really? How, she died a long time ago? Wow, okay. Wow, I didn't know. Rest in peace.

• 17:16Andrew Santino?

  Fainting it like it's, yeah, oh my god, yeah. I didn't get an email that she died, that's pretty weird. I wish someone notified me when she passed away. What is it, fans?

• 17:28Andrew Santino?

  Twenty twenty four.

• 17:30Andrew Santino?

  Wow. Twenty fourteen, sorry.

• 17:31Speaker 04

  Oh, I was like, holy shit.

• 17:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, twenty fourteen. At ninety years old.

• 17:38Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 17:38Speaker 04

  Was she hot when she died?

• 17:40Andrew Santino?

  Wow. Yeah, she was pretty in her heyday. Yeah. In her heyday. But as she got older, you can imagine.

• 17:47Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 17:48Andrew Santino?

  It got bad.

• 17:48Speaker 04

  I'm the re- I was born in twenty fourteen, so I'm the reincarnation.

• 17:53Andrew Santino?

  You are Lauren's birth. You were born in twenty fourteen. Yeah.

• 17:58Speaker 04

  I know, I don't look good.

• 18:00Andrew Santino?

  You don't look good for that age. No, that's.

• 18:02Speaker 04

  I'm giving twenty nine and it's really bad.

• 18:05Andrew Santino?

  It's pretty bad.

• 18:06Speaker 04

  My body is like eighty. It's a nightmare.

• 18:09Andrew Santino?

  Oh, is that really what it is? Eighty? No. This is like sixty five to seventy.

• 18:14Speaker 04

  Okay, like a bad sixty five.

• 18:17Andrew Santino?

  No, like you've had, like you lived, like you were touring rock and roll musician.

• 18:20Speaker 04

  I like people that think I'm an injured veteran.

• 18:23Andrew Santino?

  You are. Thank you for your service, by the way.

• 18:25Speaker 04

  You're welcome.

• 18:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 18:26Speaker 04

  And you're welcome.

• 18:30Andrew Santino?

  Well, he's, he's from Spain. He doesn't count. He's not really, yeah. Take that back. He's gross. Spanish. Well, though, he just got citizenship, which is.

• 18:37Speaker 04

  Oh, hell, yeah.

• 18:38Andrew Santino?

  That's good for him. When you did, when I, when you did say that, that joke about turning, you just turned twenty nine?

• 18:44Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 18:45Andrew Santino?

  And then you put on that post, that post about you blacking out on your birthday and him telling you not to do it?

• 18:49Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 18:50Andrew Santino?

  When you do blackout, how much more fun does that wheelchair get?

• 18:53Speaker 04

  Oh, man. Real fun.

• 18:56Andrew Santino?

  You got, you get loose on that thing.

• 18:58Speaker 04

  Oh, real, every, everyone's in danger.

• 19:04Speaker 04

  Like Matt will just do it himself and walk beside me and try and I'm like.

• 19:11Andrew Santino?

  Have you ever spilled? Have you ever crashed on that thing?

• 19:13Speaker 04

  Oh, my God. Back in, when I was a younger wheelchair user, oh God. I would get pretty drunk and I'd be like, no, I think I can do it. And I'd try to jump curbs.

• 19:27Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 19:28Speaker 04

  You can't.

• 19:29Andrew Santino?

  You cannot, no.

• 19:29Speaker 04

  No, I've given myself two different black eyes.

• 19:33Andrew Santino?

  From face first?

• 19:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 19:35Andrew Santino?

  Oh my god.

• 19:36Speaker 04

  I broke my glasses.

• 19:37Andrew Santino?

  You're lucky to not knock your teeth out.

• 19:38Speaker 04

  Oh, I've done that.

• 19:40Andrew Santino?

  You have? How many are fake?

• 19:42Speaker 04

  Only one, the front one.

• 19:43Andrew Santino?

  This one?

• 19:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 19:44Andrew Santino?

  Oh, mine's, mine's almost all of it. Mine, this should, this will be all fake at some point. I cracked it in half. And so that's gonna go.

• 19:50Speaker 04

  Doing what?

• 19:52Andrew Santino?

  Kissing a boy. You just can't.

• 19:54Speaker 04

  Kissing his wiener.

• 19:55Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I was kissing his wiener. Sharp, hard wiener.

• 19:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, crazy.

• 19:59Andrew Santino?

  He goes, "Get on that thing." No, it's, it's stupid. I chipped it. I've, so. I chipped it once playing basketball. I, somebody's head hit it, and then I chipped it even worse. So it was just like a little cap or a bond. And then I chipped it even worse in New Orleans, um, high on mushrooms.

• 20:16Speaker 04

  Ah.

• 20:17Andrew Santino?

  As you do.

• 20:17Speaker 04

  Did you leave it? For a while?

• 20:20Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I, I was in New Orleans for three more days. I had to have the chip before I, yeah, returned home. But it is weird when you're on drugs and you feel your chipped teeth, cause it, it's a mental, because when I felt it, I thought that my tooth is gone, the whole tooth.

• 20:31Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:31Andrew Santino?

  It's not as bad as I thought it was.

• 20:33Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 20:33Andrew Santino?

  Like, it was a sliver, but. I was pretty high and I thought, well, this is the worst.

• 20:38Speaker 04

  It's me now.

• 20:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, this is me. I'm a chipped tooth guy. It's like when Stavros lost his tooth. You, do you know Stavros, the comic?

• 20:45Speaker 04

  I've been mad and big fan.

• 20:47Andrew Santino?

  When he had his tooth gone, I thought that was the, I was like, leave that out, man.

• 20:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:50Andrew Santino?

  It's so.

• 20:51Speaker 04

  Keep it.

• 20:51Andrew Santino?

  If, if you can get laid. Without a front tooth. What's stopping you in life? I mean. If someone's like, I'll still hook up with you.

• 21:01Speaker 04

  If that's the case, then everything bad in that person's life is their fault.

• 21:06Andrew Santino?

  It is. That's true.

• 21:07Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 21:08Andrew Santino?

  That is true. Everything bad in that person's life is truly their taking.

• 21:11Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's just something I like to say.

• 21:16Speaker 04

  A little wisdom, you know?

• 21:18Andrew Santino?

  I do, I, I, going backwards, I do hate the name. Friedrich's a taxi. I hate it.

• 21:23Speaker 04

  It's bad.

• 21:24Andrew Santino?

  We can't get a new one?

• 21:25Speaker 04

  No, I've been petitioning and no one's listening. They can't read my handwriting.

• 21:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, it's just a little wobbly, huh?

• 21:31Speaker 04

  It's real bad handwriting with my hands.

• 21:33Andrew Santino?

  I can't imagine. I can't even sign a check. Like, I was going to sign a check for someone. And I get nervous about signing checks. This must be... That's hell on earth for you.

• 21:43Speaker 04

  Typing, like texting is hard, so I'll voice text, but it never understands me, so it's...

• 21:49Andrew Santino?

  Does it screw it up every time?

• 21:50Speaker 04

  Every... I just replied to a club being like, "Hey, we need like a video or whatever." I was like, "Yeah, and a day later I'll send you..." I was trying to say a shout-out video. But it autocorrected and I sent it, and it said a shower video.

• 22:08Andrew Santino?

  Did you send it?

• 22:09Speaker 04

  I mean, I had to.

• 22:10Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you don't have a choice. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what the club needs.

• 22:13Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:13Andrew Santino?

  Coming to Funny Bone this summer, check out Fiona Colly. Just you in the shower.

• 22:18Speaker 04

  It's way sadder than you think it'd be, though. Like, Matt washing my arms, and I'm like...

• 22:28Andrew Santino?

  It's a good comedy video.

• 22:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:29Andrew Santino?

  It's actually really good.

• 22:30Speaker 04

  People love it.

• 22:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 22:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:32Andrew Santino?

  No, you know what? Showers are sad for everybody. I, I, I was talking about, when you get out of the... I have a mirror that, that right as I get out of my shower, like, it's at you.

• 22:42Speaker 04

  Oh, God.

• 22:43Andrew Santino?

  And it really fucks me up every time. Cause just, I don't, you know, I'm 42, my body is bad now. And my little red penis, and it's wet, and it's just, it's really sad. It bums me out. And I said, I was like, "Man, I wish we didn't have that mirror there." And my wife was like, "What are you gonna do? Fucking rip down the, take off the mirror?" It's glued to the wall. I was like, "I think I might want to." Because every time I step out, I see it and I go, "Yuck, gross." It's a bad way to start my day.

• 23:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:10Andrew Santino?

  To see your naked body wet. Wet naked body. I don't know where that got in the, in the social zeitgeist of like, "It's sexy when someone's wet." No, it's not. Shower is gross. Uh-uh. No. It's gross. Oh, you're sending that shower video finally?

• 23:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. It finally uploaded, so...

• 23:27Andrew Santino?

  Okay, good. Actually, let me see. Let's experiment. Let me see you, let's see you voice text me. Voice text me, and let's see what it says.

• 23:35Speaker 04

  Give me a hard one.

• 23:41Andrew Santino?

  Say, say, uh, Sally sells seashells down by the seashore. Let's see what it does. And don't change it after it says it. By the way, I saved your contact and it's you. And, look, it's, look, it's you and then it's a little wheelchair afterwards. Isn't that sweet?

• 23:57Speaker 04

  I love that.

• 23:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, just a little wheelchair.

• 23:59Speaker 04

  That's, uh, it's like when you meet someone at a bar and you're like, chicken sandwich, cause that's what they, I got. I love that.

• 24:07Andrew Santino?

  Let's see.

• 24:10Speaker 04

  Sally sells seashells by the seashore.

• 24:15Andrew Santino?

  Send it. Let's see what it said. Here we go.

• 24:20Speaker 04

  I actually kinda crush that.

• 24:24Andrew Santino?

  This is nuts. This is crazy. You guys are not gonna believe what her autocorrected to. That's nuts, dude. Charlie Kirk was a psy-op for the government? What is that? What is that?

• 24:45Andrew Santino?

  It says Sally is a sell seashells by the seashore. Pretty close.

• 24:49Speaker 04

  Pretty close. You would, I'll just send it most of the time and I'm like, they'll figure it out.

• 24:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they'll figure it out.

• 24:54Speaker 04

  It's like how moms do.

• 24:56Andrew Santino?

  Oh dude, my dad calls them... My dad, my dad's from the south. And sometimes his accent comes out. He's from North Carolina, but like he's all but put it away, cause he's lived in Chicago for forty some odd years. But, he's still, he, he'll, he can't say text. He'll say Texas, like texts, Texas. So he's like, well, I read all those Texas that you guys sent. I'm like, Texas? Texts. He's like, yeah, Texas, Texas that you sent. He can't get it out. Let me hear you say, you're from the south, say text.

• 25:24Speaker 04

  Text.

• 25:25Andrew Santino?

  Say texts, like plural.

• 25:26Speaker 04

  Texts.

• 25:27Andrew Santino?

  See, you guys can't do it.

• 25:28Speaker 04

  No, the hardest edited. He, he, he edited.

• 25:33Andrew Santino?

  Edited.

• 25:34Speaker 04

  Edited it.

• 25:36Andrew Santino?

  Let's make up a new word for edited then.

• 25:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's edited, that's a hate crime.

• 25:41Andrew Santino?

  That is.

• 25:41Speaker 04

  That word.

• 25:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, edited.

• 25:43Speaker 04

  I'm glad we're talking about it.

• 25:45Andrew Santino?

  Let's talk about more hate crimes.

• 25:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 25:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, let's get these things moving along.

• 25:48Speaker 04

  I love it. Don't use handicap stuff.

• 25:50Andrew Santino?

  Don't use them.

• 25:51Speaker 04

  I'll get real mad.

• 25:53Andrew Santino?

  Never understood it. Also, well, this is a guy thing, but I get very bothered when there's a, there's a two bathroom. It'll be a, a toilet and a urinal and a man will lock that door. We should be able to pee at the same time, but this is a guy thing. You know what I'm talking about. There's a, there will be a, it'll be a bathroom and it'll be a toilet and then, you know, around the wall to the side is a urinal. We should be able to pee at the same time if you're comfortable with it. Like I, it's not that big of a deal. And if you see mine and I see yours, so what?

• 26:21Speaker 04

  We're bonded.

• 26:22Andrew Santino?

  We're bond, then we have something to talk about. Otherwise, we're just passing through time, you know?

• 26:26Speaker 04

  It's really what's ripping this country apart.

• 26:29Andrew Santino?

  It's part of it. It's definitely part of it.

• 26:31Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. I, I had a dream.

• 26:36Speaker 04

  I had a stream.

• 26:37Andrew Santino?

  I had a stream that one day, two men could pee simultaneously together in harmony.

• 26:43Speaker 04

  Cute. One sitting down, one between their legs.

• 26:46Andrew Santino?

  Oh, just pee right on them. Just all over them. Some people like that stuff. Some people like that stuff.

• 26:50Speaker 04

  I got pretty mad and met my husband yesterday because he closes the door to the bathroom even when he's just being. And I feel like we're not married.

• 27:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. What is he doing in there?

• 27:03Speaker 04

  I don't know. So I'll ring the door.

• 27:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, open it up. Wait, he closes it even when he's peeing. Is that a?

• 27:10Speaker 04

  What do you hide?

• 27:10Andrew Santino?

  But is he being respectful? Is that like him?

• 27:12Speaker 04

  He said he thought it was gross and I was like, I pee with the door open. He was like.

• 27:17Andrew Santino?

  It's gross. Right. No, I think what he's saying is, he's like the lady in the relationship. He doesn't want to fart in front of you or you don't, he doesn't want to see.

• 27:25Speaker 04

  No, he does fart in front of me. That's why I'm like, what a boundary.

• 27:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 27:29Speaker 04

  What a line.

• 27:31Andrew Santino?

  Pee with the door closed, but rip ass in bed.

• 27:32Speaker 04

  He's peeing with, sitting down in bed and he's trying to hide it from me.

• 27:36Andrew Santino?

  I, I think most, more men than you think sit down to pee.

• 27:39Speaker 04

  I get it. Standing up, why?

• 27:41Andrew Santino?

  Well, in the middle of the night, when you go pee in the middle of the night, you sit, you sit down. Yeah, you have to. I'm tired. Also.

• 27:48Andrew Santino?

  It's nice.

• 27:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:49Andrew Santino?

  It's really nice. I I I'm sorry, but it is just.

• 27:52Speaker 04

  I will say, sitting and peeing was like the one thing women had over men and now y'all are taking that.

• 27:59Andrew Santino?

  Once again, the white straight man wins.

• 28:01Speaker 04

  Again.

• 28:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 28:03Speaker 04

  You know, a black guy can't do it.

• 28:04Andrew Santino?

  No, they don't.

• 28:05Speaker 04

  Wayne is gonna touch the wall.

• 28:07Andrew Santino?

  Well, it goes into the, it goes into the bowl. Yeah, and if you accidentally flush.

• 28:12Speaker 04

  Oh, God, I hate that. It's like an automatic toilet.

• 28:16Andrew Santino?

  Mm mm, can't get away from that.

• 28:18Speaker 04

  I hate when that happens.

• 28:21Andrew Santino?

  Has he ever peed on you?

• 28:23Speaker 04

  Um, not on Burbank.

• 28:24Andrew Santino?

  In the shower?

• 28:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 28:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, see, I do it to my wife sometimes for fun. You guys hate it.

• 28:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, but I can't get away.

• 28:31Andrew Santino?

  Neither can she. I I try, I I'm in front of the door. Yeah, it's a small little shower. Where are you gonna go? Where are you gonna go? It is very fun. I don't know what it is about peeing on your significant other that's very fun. It's a shower, it's in the shower, it's gonna come off. You're fine.

• 28:44Speaker 04

  I wish I could pee on him, you know.

• 28:47Andrew Santino?

  Well, you could throw it.

• 28:50Andrew Santino?

  Create something to bounce it off of there.

• 28:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 28:52Andrew Santino?

  Do you pee in the shower?

• 28:55Andrew Santino?

  Do women pee in the shower?

• 28:56Speaker 04

  I mean, I have, yeah, I.

• 28:58Andrew Santino?

  We have to. It's nature for men.

• 29:01Speaker 04

  But I change, it's a disability thing. I change when I'm sitting on the toilet, it's just easier.

• 29:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 29:09Speaker 04

  Um, and so when I shower, I always sit on the toilet first to take my clothes off, so.

• 29:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, that's.

• 29:17Speaker 04

  Pee in there.

• 29:18Andrew Santino?

  You got, yeah, that's right. You already, but doesn't the water kick it in again? Sometimes even if I already peed, I get in the hot water, I'm like, I have to pee again. No? I'm drinking a lot of water.

• 29:26Speaker 04

  Yeah. Speaking of.

• 29:28Andrew Santino?

  Here, you want this?

• 29:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 29:30Andrew Santino?

  Too bad.

• 29:31Speaker 04

  Fuck. There's that ego again, man. They're bribing a wheelchair and they do water.

• 29:37Andrew Santino?

  That's so funny. It's like, you want this? You're like, yeah, no, you can't have it.

• 29:41Speaker 04

  Too bad.

• 29:41Andrew Santino?

  Too, too bad. That's too damn bad. Have you ever had someone, uh, go to, like, if you're at a bar and they're like, I can't serve you. Have you ever had this?

• 29:51Speaker 04

  Mm.

• 29:52Andrew Santino?

  That's insane. I have a friend who's handicapped that has had this before and they're like.

• 29:56Speaker 04

  What kind of handicap? Like, in a walk?

• 29:59Andrew Santino?

  In a wheelchair.

• 30:00Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 30:01Andrew Santino?

  In a wheelchair, a, um.

• 30:06Andrew Santino?

  Spinal cord injury?

• 30:07Speaker 04

  Ooh.

• 30:08Andrew Santino?

  Car accident?

• 30:09Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 30:09Andrew Santino?

  I don't know what that's, I don't know, what do you, is there a term?

• 30:12Speaker 04

  Paraplegic?

• 30:13Andrew Santino?

  I don't think it's, yeah, maybe.

• 30:14Speaker 04

  Is he paralyzed? Can he stand sometimes?

• 30:17Andrew Santino?

  A little bit.

• 30:18Speaker 04

  Okay. He's a...

• 30:19Andrew Santino?

  He's a phony?

• 30:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, he's a faker.

• 30:23Andrew Santino?

  You look down on those people.

• 30:24Speaker 04

  We have a word for that, yeah.

• 30:29Andrew Santino?

  It's called bullshit.

• 30:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:30Andrew Santino?

  But, but he's had that, where the bartender's been like, "No, I can't," and he's like, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

• 30:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:36Andrew Santino?

  "I can't, I'm sorry, man."

• 30:36Speaker 04

  I, uh, that happened to me a lot before the wheelchair, because my voice is like this, because of this, right? Because your tongue is a muscle.

• 30:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 30:47Speaker 04

  Um, when I walked with, uh, nothing, I remember on my 21st birthday, I could walk, but it was real wobbly. And I was so stoked to like, buy a drink illegally, and I walked up to the bar, and immediately, it was like, "We're not serving you." And I was like, "Oh, totally good, I have this disease, I explained it a little bit." And he goes, "Yeah, I've heard that one." I was like, "From fucking who? Okay."

• 31:17Andrew Santino?

  I gotta tell you, I'm gonna use that next time I'm out.

• 31:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're like, "Oh, I have free drinks with Tasia."

• 31:21Andrew Santino?

  Someone's like, "I think you're hammered," it's like, "I don't think you understand what's really going on." The stair, the down stairways. "I don't think you really know what's going on. I have free drinks with Tasia." My name was Fiona, I changed it to Andrew when I was a child.

• 31:37Andrew Santino?

  That's funny, so you, because you changed your name, now, do you still love it, or no?

• 31:41Speaker 04

  I lo-, I'm glad I did, could you imagine?

• 31:45Andrew Santino?

  Lauren?

• 31:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 31:46Andrew Santino?

  I would, I, we wouldn't have had you on the show.

• 31:47Speaker 04

  I know.

• 31:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I don't really, Lauren's a...

• 31:50Speaker 04

  Lauren's mean.

• 31:52Andrew Santino?

  Dude, it's so funny you say that, because I was thinking, I just had a mo-, when you, I just had a moment flashback of like, girls I knew when I was young named Lauren. And I knew one lovely one, but she was hiding something.

• 32:04Speaker 04

  The hell with them.

• 32:05Andrew Santino?

  And the other ones were just... Lauren is kind of, Lauren's hot, and Lauren's a little mean because she's hot.

• 32:12Speaker 04

  But, hot in like, a sport way. Like, she plays soccer.

• 32:16Andrew Santino?

  Soccer, yeah, of course she plays soccer. Yeah, Lauren does.

• 32:18Speaker 04

  I played soccer for six years.

• 32:21Andrew Santino?

  You, did you, what, what position were you?

• 32:22Speaker 04

  Oh, I was a child, so, cartwheels mostly.

• 32:26Andrew Santino?

  Cartwheels, yeah, cartwheels and flower picking?

• 32:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 32:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. No, soccer, soccer is Lauren's sport and she's, and Lauren's a little loud in every room. And she's kind of brash about it.

• 32:38Andrew Santino?

  But she's, the truth really is. Her uncle touched her when she was young and then she's holding on to this.

• 32:43Speaker 04

  She doesn't know how to talk about it yet. She's not ready.

• 32:46Andrew Santino?

  She's definitely not ready. She's definitely not ready. Your parents divorce was the most traumatic thing to happen to you, huh?

• 32:55Andrew Santino?

  By far the worst.

• 32:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 32:57Andrew Santino?

  Do you still get along with both of your parents?

• 32:58Speaker 04

  No.

• 32:59Andrew Santino?

  Not at all?

• 33:00Speaker 04

  I get along with my mom.

• 33:02Andrew Santino?

  Lovely mom.

• 33:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:03Andrew Santino?

  And your mom's first letter is?

• 33:05Speaker 04

  A.

• 33:07Andrew Santino?

  Angel.

• 33:07Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 33:08Andrew Santino?

  She is.

• 33:11Andrew Santino?

  She's an angel. And your dad, you don't talk, no, gone. Dead?

• 33:15Speaker 04

  No.

• 33:15Andrew Santino?

  No, not dead.

• 33:18Andrew Santino?

  Sad face. Not dead.

• 33:20Speaker 04

  Not yet?

• 33:21Andrew Santino?

  No. It is funny how you always gotta pick one during a divorce. You just have to.

• 33:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:26Andrew Santino?

  You really do. I mean, the courts decide most of the time.

• 33:29Speaker 04

  Yeah. They pick day.

• 33:32Speaker 04

  Up to day.

• 33:33Andrew Santino?

  They pick the angel. Yeah, they pick the other one. Is your mom in Nashville?

• 33:37Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 33:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, she'll never leave.

• 33:38Speaker 04

  No.

• 33:39Andrew Santino?

  Loves it down there. And she's born and raised there too?

• 33:41Speaker 04

  No, she's from Pittsburgh.

• 33:47Speaker 04

  Steelers.

• 33:48Andrew Santino?

  Yikes.

• 33:49Speaker 04

  Oh, no.

• 33:51Andrew Santino?

  Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh is a. Pittsburgh is a beautiful place.

• 33:58Andrew Santino?

  And by the way, now you're like, and I'll be there at the Pittsburgh Improv.

• 34:01Speaker 04

  I will.

• 34:02Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah. No, you know, Pittsburgh is a. It's a tough city because it's western PA, which is like eastern Midwest. It's like basically Ohio to us because I'm a Chicago guy. And for some reason, every time we've played Pittsburgh, something weird has happened. Like something, like the show, the last time I was there with Chris O'Connor, the mics went out. Uh, we did, we, we had a bad show. Bad Friends had a bad show out there. I don't know what it is. It's Pittsburgh's got a looming cloud over it. It needs its angel back.

• 34:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:35Andrew Santino?

  That's the problem. She got out of there. And when she left, everything went south.

• 34:39Speaker 04

  Everything went to shit.

• 34:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, and that was in like eighty-nine.

• 34:45Andrew Santino?

  That's when it started, yeah. That is actually exactly when it started. And Matt's from Nashville?

• 34:50Speaker 04

  No, he's from.

• 34:53Andrew Santino?

  You don't know where your husband's from?

• 34:54Speaker 04

  Alabama.

• 34:55Andrew Santino?

  Oh, he's from Alabama?

• 34:57Speaker 04

  No.

• 34:59Andrew Santino?

  Tuscaloosa?

• 35:00Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 35:00Andrew Santino?

  Is that right?

• 35:01Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 35:02Andrew Santino?

  Tuscaloosa.

• 35:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 35:03Andrew Santino?

  Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

• 35:04Speaker 00

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• 36:40Andrew Santino?

  He doesn't seem like he's from Alabama.

• 36:42Speaker 04

  You haven't talked to him enough.

• 36:43Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I don't want to.

• 36:44Speaker 04

  And I wouldn't.

• 36:45Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 36:45Speaker 04

  No, I'll be on you.

• 36:47Andrew Santino?

  Well, after I heard about the peeing closed-door thing, I'm like, I'm out on this guy.

• 36:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:51Andrew Santino?

  I first thought he was a...

• 36:52Speaker 04

  This guy's got...

• 36:52Andrew Santino?

  Yes, issues.

• 36:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:55Speaker 04

  And I married him cuz I'm like, I can fix you.

• 36:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you can.

• 36:59Speaker 04

  And he's like, you gotta pay yourself first. And I'm like, I'm not a doctor, you know?

• 37:04Andrew Santino?

  But it'll get, it's eventually it'll all iron itself out. Yeah, it is what it is.

• 37:08Speaker 04

  I don't care.

• 37:09Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 37:09Speaker 04

  I'm taking it out.

• 37:10Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you got what you need. You got that rock and you're moving forward.

• 37:13Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:13Andrew Santino?

  That's all you really wanted. How long have you been married?

• 37:16Speaker 04

  Uh, three months.

• 37:18Andrew Santino?

  Oh, this is fresh, fresh. Wow.

• 37:21Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:21Andrew Santino?

  So this is still, this is still the, but you've known each other for a long time or no?

• 37:25Speaker 04

  Uh, three years.

• 37:26Andrew Santino?

  That's pretty quick.

• 37:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:28Andrew Santino?

  That's good.

• 37:29Speaker 04

  Which is, it's weird when you do that and you've dated other people for like five years before, you know?

• 37:36Andrew Santino?

  Speaks volumes about those other people.

• 37:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:38Andrew Santino?

  That they're worthless trash. Yep, that's right.

• 37:40Speaker 04

  My track record ain't very good.

• 37:44Andrew Santino?

  Well, you dated a lot. Did you, what, what kind of guy was your, were you a sucker for? Was it the asshole or was it the? What were you, what was the mistakes before?

• 37:53Speaker 04

  Oh, God. I think it was like the unemployed drug addict that was really into.

• 37:59Andrew Santino?

  Love those guys.

• 38:01Speaker 04

  Me, fucking do. I've done more for that community than.

• 38:08Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you really, you really lifted them up.

• 38:10Speaker 04

  Well, my, growing up, the dynamic in the household was always the woman made the money.

• 38:17Andrew Santino?

  Always, cuz your mom was a, like a workforce.

• 38:20Speaker 04

  She fuck, yeah.

• 38:22Andrew Santino?

  Did she have multiple jobs?

• 38:23Speaker 04

  Um, well, so when my dad left her, uh, she had, she got fired from her job and was like, oh my God, I have three kids. What the fuck am I gonna do? No money, no help, you know?

• 38:37Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 38:37Speaker 04

  And she started a company and that was like fifteen, sixteen years ago and she's very well off now.

• 38:46Andrew Santino?

  That's awesome.

• 38:46Speaker 04

  It's crazy.

• 38:47Andrew Santino?

  That's so cool to hear. Cuz your dad was like, I'm not gonna help, no alimony, no child support, nothing.

• 38:52Speaker 04

  Well, my mom made most of the money.

• 38:54Andrew Santino?

  Anyway, she made it anyway. That's fucking crazy. Wow. I like that strong, single mom shit.

• 39:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, so I was always like, yeah, it's normal dad to pay for everything.

• 39:05Andrew Santino?

  Sure. Yeah, that's a part of, so then.

• 39:07Speaker 04

  I'm strong too.

• 39:08Andrew Santino?

  You'd meet a drug addict, loser with no job, and you'd go, listen to.

• 39:12Speaker 04

  That's my dad.

• 39:12Andrew Santino?

  This is dad.

• 39:15Speaker 04

  Found him.

• 39:17Andrew Santino?

  You have no connection to your father anymore. He's not, he's.

• 39:20Speaker 04

  Um, no, I don't really.

• 39:23Andrew Santino?

  Good.

• 39:23Speaker 04

  Talked to him, it was kinda, it's not like he like hit me or, you know what I mean?

• 39:28Andrew Santino?

  He did this?

• 39:30Speaker 04

  Kind of in a way.

• 39:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 39:32Speaker 04

  Genetically.

• 39:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. That's why he ran away.

• 39:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 39:35Andrew Santino?

  Like a bitch.

• 39:36Speaker 04

  He didn't run away, he just ran upstairs and I haven't seen him since.

• 39:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you can't get up there, can you? Well, you gotta get one of those wee.

• 39:44Speaker 04

  The chairs.

• 39:45Andrew Santino?

  The chair from the, yeah. Those are great. My, my father wants one of those. And he's not. He's able, he just doesn't wanna go upstairs.

• 39:53Speaker 04

  I get it. He goes, can I? Make shit look too fun.

• 39:55Andrew Santino?

  You do make it look fun. Like, look at that, thing's orange and you did that. She painted this just for the show, for listeners, you should tune into YouTube and see, cuz she painted it orange for me. Which is sweet. How natural is this color? Let's be real. You're not really one of us, I know you're not.

• 40:08Speaker 04

  Why?

• 40:09Andrew Santino?

  I can tell.

• 40:10Speaker 04

  How?

• 40:11Andrew Santino?

  We know. There's a thing inside.

• 40:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, I've always lied about it.

• 40:19Andrew Santino?

  You're, it's.

• 40:19Speaker 04

  I've been red for fifteen years.

• 40:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, and before it was just a, it was like a, it was like a strawberry blonde. Yeah, I know. I can feel it.

• 40:29Speaker 04

  I hate you for that. I planned on, I planned on lying to you, I was like, I'm gonna get it.

• 40:34Andrew Santino?

  No, you can't, no. No, cuz we know our own kind.

• 40:37Speaker 04

  Like, what gave it away? I'm so pale.

• 40:40Andrew Santino?

  I just think we know, no, you are very pale, but your facial structure is not a redheaded facial structure. I'm sorry to tell you.

• 40:46Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 40:47Andrew Santino?

  It's a compliment.

• 40:50Andrew Santino?

  I, we can really see our own, I mean, I kind of don't look like a usual redhead, because I have dark eyes. Most redheads have lighter, like you. I know, but they don't look like you.

• 41:01Andrew Santino?

  They don't. This is a compliment.

• 41:02Speaker 04

  I know, I got the arm thing going on, I'm pretty sure.

• 41:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. That you do. That is true. But honestly, I just, we just, we can feel it.

• 41:11Speaker 04

  Can.

• 41:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you're not gonna get away with it, not with me, pal. But it is a thing where pale girls, who do do it, have gotten away with it for a long time. And it stops today on Whiskey Ginger.

• 41:21Speaker 04

  I've never been called out like this.

• 41:23Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm. Cuz you just roll around town, I'm hot shit, Friedrich the taxi, I need to, look at me, look at me. You're a fake redhead.

• 41:34Speaker 04

  Honestly, I wanna be mad, but you're so brave.

• 41:38Andrew Santino?

  Thank you.

• 41:38Speaker 04

  For calling me out.

• 41:39Andrew Santino?

  Well, I have to. I don't have a choice.

• 41:41Speaker 04

  I didn't know this was a gotcha show.

• 41:44Andrew Santino?

  That's a camera, that's a camera, that's a camera. He's not even Spanish.

• 41:50Andrew Santino?

  No, but you, but you, you do it well. I'll say that.

• 41:53Speaker 04

  There you go.

• 41:53Andrew Santino?

  We, we accept you and we love you very much.

• 41:55Speaker 04

  I try really hard.

• 41:57Andrew Santino?

  Well, it was a torturous thing as a child. My buddy asked me the other day, Devontre Coleman, who, who, who goes on the road with me, he said, uh, he said, "Did you get bullied for having red hair?" And I said, "No, I got bullied for other stuff. It wasn't really the hair." It was more that I was loud, obnoxious, and I thought I was, I just wanted to be the life of the party because your mental state from home, you know, I had a single mother for a while when I was a kid. My, my parents split and then, you know, that's why I said that single mom stuff. I do mean it. I've talked about this on the show a lot that like, I think single mom, the badass, it's such a badass thing when a mom just takes control and stuff. Cause my mom never wanted anything from my father because then she would have owed him a piece of me.

• 42:38Speaker 04

  Right.

• 42:38Andrew Santino?

  So it was a great, it was almost motivation to be like, "Fuck you. I'm not gonna give you my, you don't get to see your kid then. I'm gonna own the kid. I'm gonna take care of him." And then, then there's no like, "Oh, can I come?" You know, it's like when some, when people break up and they're like, "Split the dog." You're like, "No, that's not, you gotta let the dog go."

• 42:55Speaker 04

  Do you talk to him, though?

• 42:57Andrew Santino?

  We do years later now. Yeah, now that I'm grown, we speak, yeah. But it's different because we're men. You know what I mean? Like, we're just, what's odd is like, what I mean by that is, we're, we're too grown, I'm a grown man, he's a grown man. It's like, I, I didn't know him like kids do when they know their parents growing up through divorce. I didn't really know him. I know pieces of him for sure, but like, it's different. And my life, I moved here when I was, I left when I was 18 and went to Arizona and then moved here. So I don't, I didn't have that, you know, those formidable years with him. But my mom and my stepdad, great guy, you know, they, really good people, but she was a, she was a dog. She, I, I said to her one time, "Did you ever have panic attacks?" Cause I used to get panic attacks.

• 43:42Andrew Santino?

  And she was like, oh yeah, when I first split with your dad, I'd stay up all fucking night long sweating, thinking about like, I'm not gonna be able to pay rent, like, what am I gonna do? Where am I gonna go? But she is a gangster.

• 43:56Speaker 04

  She did it.

• 43:56Andrew Santino?

  She did, she's a bad bitch.

• 43:57Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:58Andrew Santino?

  My mom is a badass, mo money.

• 43:59Speaker 04

  Singing moms are fucking insane.

• 44:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they're insane. Yeah, it's the best thing in the world.

• 44:04Speaker 04

  I couldn't do it.

• 44:05Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, fuck men.

• 44:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's right.

• 44:08Andrew Santino?

  Fuck, fuck the pig men. Yeah, that's right.

• 44:11Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:12Andrew Santino?

  Not Matt.

• 44:13Speaker 04

  Not, no, Matt's great.

• 44:14Andrew Santino?

  No, Matt is great.

• 44:15Speaker 04

  Keep the door open, you know.

• 44:16Andrew Santino?

  Keep the door open, you fucking weirdo.

• 44:18Speaker 04

  What are we doing?

• 44:19Andrew Santino?

  I don't know, that, well, how about this, do you guys have, um, like, I'm at a point, we've been together so long, that like, if it's a show that she wants to watch, that I don't wanna watch, I used to just go, alright, I'll just watch it. Now I'm honest, now I'm like, I don't like this shit, I don't wanna watch it together, I'm sorry. Like, we'll do other things together, but will you do this, or you'll just put up, you'll put up with it?

• 44:41Speaker 04

  Uh, I will never pretend I wanna watch something.

• 44:44Andrew Santino?

  Love that.

• 44:45Speaker 04

  I, from day one.

• 44:46Andrew Santino?

  You were like, no, I'm not doing that shit.

• 44:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'll leave, I'll do something else. But he'll be like, yeah, it's fine, and then he'll get on his phone.

• 44:54Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 44:55Speaker 04

  And play TikToks out loud while I'm trying to watch this murder doc, you know?

• 45:00Andrew Santino?

  Well, you're trying to collect information on how to kill him, he should be paying attention.

• 45:03Speaker 04

  I really like murder docs, cause it just like, reminds me, it could be worse, you know? It's a good.

• 45:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 45:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, appreciation, kinda.

• 45:15Andrew Santino?

  It could be way worse.

• 45:16Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 45:16Andrew Santino?

  I just saw a news article about that, about a guy who concocted this plan to kill his wife, so he could be with his au pair. Their nanny, it's the same thing, isn't it? What's the difference?

• 45:31Speaker 04

  It's a fancy overseas, or a live-in nanny?

• 45:33Andrew Santino?

  It's a live-in nanny, right, which is fucking, I don't like these French words entering our.

• 45:38Speaker 04

  No.

• 45:38Andrew Santino?

  Just say live-in nanny.

• 45:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:40Andrew Santino?

  House bitch.

• 45:41Speaker 04

  Au pair, can you say house bitch?

• 45:44Andrew Santino?

  Just be house bitch.

• 45:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:46Andrew Santino?

  But he was gonna kill his wife to be with this girl, you know, obviously half his age, or whatever.

• 45:51Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 45:52Andrew Santino?

  And then she caught him. And it's just like, what?

• 45:55Speaker 04

  She caught him planning?

• 45:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, she caught him mid plan.

• 45:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, there is something beautiful, though, about like a man being able to make a plan.

• 46:04Andrew Santino?

  That is kinda sexy.

• 46:05Speaker 04

  I can appreciate that.

• 46:06Andrew Santino?

  Well, that's why you guys like, uh, serial killers and these crazy men, because they, they really planned it out.

• 46:11Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:12Andrew Santino?

  Like, the guy that builds a bomb in the woods, women couldn't find him any sexier, because you're like, you did that?

• 46:17Speaker 04

  Oh, my god.

• 46:20Speaker 04

  You like ran errands and stuff?

• 46:25Andrew Santino?

  Multiple times in a row? You made a list. You made a fucking list.

• 46:29Speaker 04

  And you checked it?

• 46:31Andrew Santino?

  Twice?

• 46:34Andrew Santino?

  That's why women are horny for Santa, too. Same thing.

• 46:37Speaker 04

  And credit that guy, I wanna sit on his lap, we get it, babe, you know?

• 46:42Andrew Santino?

  Santa has been sexualized way too much.

• 46:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, and we don't talk about it.

• 46:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, because he's got daddy vibes. He's overweight.

• 46:50Speaker 04

  He's the ultimate papa.

• 46:51Andrew Santino?

  He is the ultimate papa. Papa bear, a big daddy bear.

• 46:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:56Andrew Santino?

  Nah, see, you know, I think it's time we stop sexualizing these fantasy creatures. I mean, the tooth fairy. I used to get off to the tooth fairy.

• 47:04Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 47:05Andrew Santino?

  She's stealing my teeth? Sexy.

• 47:07Speaker 04

  What a nasty little bitch.

• 47:09Andrew Santino?

  Nasty bitch.

• 47:14Andrew Santino?

  Have we ever seen an image of the tooth fairy? I don't even think I, do you even have the tooth fairy in Spain? You guys don't do that, do you?

• 47:19Speaker 04

  I kind of imagine it would be a really scary thing. She wears her teeth around her neck or some shit.

• 47:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, like, what does the tooth fairy look like in, in our mind? Like, if an actress played the tooth fairy, who would it be? What actress would play the tooth fairy?

• 47:34Andrew Santino?

  I already got it.

• 47:35Speaker 04

  Ah, uh, mm, Emma Stone.

• 47:38Andrew Santino?

  Emma Stone. She'd be a really good tooth fairy. I have it. I know exactly who would be perfect.

• 47:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 47:43Andrew Santino?

  Helena Bottom Carter. And Tim Burton would direct it. Do you know who that is? You do know her. She's in every Tim Burton movie of all time. She's also, well, not every Tim, yeah, every Tim Burton movie. You've seen this woman before. I'm gonna show you her, and you're gonna go, this woman could play the tooth fairy. What's her most famous role?

• 48:01Andrew Santino?

  Her room, I was, I mean. She's in Harry Potter. Harry Potter, yeah, you tell me that's not the tooth fairy?

• 48:07Speaker 04

  Oh, absolutely, yeah.

• 48:09Andrew Santino?

  But she's always been kind of this fantastical actress who... I think this is a rude statement that I'm about to say, but I mean it. The juice, no. She's like, she is in real life, what I think...

• 48:29Andrew Santino?

  What's her name from Stranger Things? What's the...

• 48:32Speaker 04

  Billy Bobby?

• 48:34Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no, the mom. What's wrong with her? Winona Ryder. She's, I think, what Winona Ryder wants to be. But Helena Bonham Carter is just better at living it. But Winona Ryder kind of like, performatively, does it?

• 48:46Speaker 04

  After Beetlejuice, she was like, "It's gotta be me."

• 48:49Andrew Santino?

  It's gotta be me. I'm the strange girl.

• 48:51Speaker 04

  I get it. Winona Ryder is super pretty, though.

• 48:55Andrew Santino?

  She is. Well, it's not a pretty thing. It's more like a unique look.

• 48:59Speaker 04

  Right.

• 48:59Andrew Santino?

  She's got a funky look. Like, you, you don't have a funky look. It's unfortunate.

• 49:05Speaker 04

  Not even a redhead look?

• 49:06Andrew Santino?

  No, you're not really castable.

• 49:07Speaker 04

  Still thinking about that.

• 49:08Andrew Santino?

  They're like, "How about that pretty fake redheaded girl?" And they're like, "No, I don't really like that girl at all."

• 49:13Speaker 04

  Everyone vomits a little bit in their mouth, and they swallow it, to be polite.

• 49:17Andrew Santino?

  Well, what was breakfast? You know? Put it right back in there.

• 49:20Speaker 04

  In two, maybe.

• 49:22Andrew Santino?

  Do you want to get into that world? Do you want to act or do any of that bullshit?

• 49:25Speaker 04

  Ah, yeah, I would love to.

• 49:27Andrew Santino?

  You do? Oh, maybe, maybe I'll try to play you.

• 49:33Andrew Santino?

  Well, we're working on a non-scripted bad game show, which me and Bobby are doing a game show that's like an adult game show, basically. Yeah, so maybe you want to come play a little round with a little...

• 49:45Speaker 04

  I would not say no to a fellow redhead.

• 49:49Andrew Santino?

  A fellow, yes, to one of my fellow brethren. And you're Chinese, right?

• 49:52Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 49:53Andrew Santino?

  He's Korean, but still.

• 49:54Speaker 04

  Only privately, but...

• 49:56Andrew Santino?

  There's a lot of people that are Asian at home, but white in public.

• 50:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:02Andrew Santino?

  There is an obsession with like the youth culture of especially Korean films now are so hot and Japanese K-pop stuff. Anime. Yeah.

• 50:11Speaker 04

  I never got that.

• 50:12Andrew Santino?

  Never got into it. No. Do you have any obscure things like that that you like that you're embarrassed about? Come on, give it to me. Give me one. What do you really like that you're like kind of ashamed of? I hate like, you know the phrase hate watching? I think it's annoying because you're not, you're not hating. You're watching, you like it. Like when somebody goes, I hate watch reality shows. Like you just like it. Just say you fucking like it.

• 50:32Speaker 04

  I love reality.

• 50:33Andrew Santino?

  But I know when people say, I hate watch, like I hate watch the Kardashians. Like, no, you don't. You like it. Because if you hate it, I, I hate.

• 50:44Andrew Santino?

  I hate jump scare films. So I just won't watch them.

• 50:49Speaker 04

  I hate like, um, God, what was that shit ridiculousness?

• 50:56Andrew Santino?

  Oh, with, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:57Speaker 04

  Rob Dyrdek.

• 50:58Andrew Santino?

  Rob Dyrdek, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:59Speaker 04

  Just like people falling and shit. I do not find funny.

• 51:03Andrew Santino?

  No, because when it happens to you, it's not funny.

• 51:05Speaker 04

  It's not funny. I'm like, ah.

• 51:08Andrew Santino?

  I don't like that nut, kicking the penis stuff. Yeah, that's, yeah, I'm not really a huge fan.

• 51:13Speaker 04

  It's so like child.

• 51:16Andrew Santino?

  You're a sophomoric, yeah. I mean, I get the, like the jackass of it all sometimes is fun, but it's also like, I just don't. No, not for you at all. Even the originals.

• 51:24Speaker 04

  Mm-mm.

• 51:25Andrew Santino?

  Wow. See, I liked it when I was young, but when I get older. When I got older, I just kind of didn't like to see men get kicked in the penis. It bummed me out.

• 51:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Especially because, you know, I don't have any kids and I was like, well, this guy can have kids. He still gets kicked in the cock.

• 51:40Speaker 04

  That's how I feel about people on Jackass. I'm like, you can walk.

• 51:48Speaker 04

  You're taping yourself to the ground with in a bull ring like whatever the fuck they're doing. Like peanut butter on their dick. I don't know.

• 51:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's very strange.

• 51:58Speaker 04

  Stuff like that. It's been a while since.

• 52:00Andrew Santino?

  Noah, you got it. That's kind of it. It's peanut butter on the penis and a tarantula running. It's that.

• 52:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:05Andrew Santino?

  Same stuff.

• 52:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 52:06Andrew Santino?

  But it is funny. I think they're doing another one, right? They're gonna make their final one, they said. And what's even more interesting to me is like Janet Axle's gotta be like late 50s. Is that right?

• 52:16Speaker 04

  He looks good though.

• 52:18Andrew Santino?

  He does. Yeah, he's a hot guy.

• 52:19Speaker 04

  He's a handsome mother.

• 52:20Andrew Santino?

  He is a hot guy.

• 52:21Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 52:22Andrew Santino?

  You who? Do you have a celebrity crush?

• 52:24Speaker 04

  Right now?

• 52:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 52:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:27Andrew Santino?

  Come on.

• 52:27Speaker 04

  Fetty Wap.

• 52:28Andrew Santino?

  Fetty Wap, he's your guy, huh?

• 52:29Speaker 04

  He could get it, dude. In my whole path.

• 52:32Andrew Santino?

  And he looks kinda like your husband.

• 52:34Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. You've been the fan.

• 52:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you gotta keep it. Yeah, you have to. You have to have a theme to going like Fetty Wap is your guy, huh?

• 52:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:44Andrew Santino?

  He's hot.

• 52:44Speaker 04

  Yeah. What about Wap, you know?

• 52:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 52:49Speaker 04

  You got it?

• 52:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I got it.

• 52:53Andrew Santino?

  Who would you think my celebrity crush would be?

• 52:58Speaker 04

  Your wife is white?

• 53:00Andrew Santino?

  She's white, yeah. She's white. Oh my, hey. Woo!

• 53:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, she's a white lady. Yeah.

• 53:08Speaker 04

  Kristen Bell.

• 53:11Andrew Santino?

  No, but that's really good.

• 53:12Speaker 04

  Little white lady.

• 53:13Andrew Santino?

  That's good. That's good. Cause she's fucking super talented.

• 53:17Speaker 04

  Hmm. And she's like cute.

• 53:21Andrew Santino?

  She's cute. Yeah, she's adorable.

• 53:23Speaker 04

  But she's not like big boobs, yeah.

• 53:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, not like, yeah, not, right. That's, yeah, that's pretty good. I think right now my celebrity crush is, uh... Who's the chick from Wicked?

• 53:38Speaker 04

  Ariana Grande?

• 53:39Andrew Santino?

  No, the other one. Cynthia Revo, yeah.

• 53:43Speaker 04

  Ah.

• 53:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 53:46Speaker 04

  Interesting. I see that for you.

• 53:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 53:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:50Andrew Santino?

  We're pretty similar, her and I. We're like really, we're elusive and odd and quirky.

• 53:55Speaker 04

  You just wanna hold her little finger.

• 53:56Andrew Santino?

  I wanna hold her finger on a broadcast.

• 53:59Speaker 04

  I get it. Everyone wants to. You're not alone.

• 54:01Andrew Santino?

  That relationship they have is very strange.

• 54:02Speaker 04

  Very.

• 54:03Andrew Santino?

  It grosses me out. It really makes me sad.

• 54:05Speaker 04

  Makes me a naysayer.

• 54:06Andrew Santino?

  And she's very talented. Shout out to you Cynthia Revo, like you'd ever fucking know this happened. But genuinely, it bums me out. Cause I see that and I go, this is the trappings of actual you drank the Kool-Aid of Hollywood.

• 54:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:18Andrew Santino?

  Like you really did. Like, cause there's no way, that's a real personality.

• 54:20Speaker 04

  No way laws and like the codependence or something so strange.

• 54:26Andrew Santino?

  That's the kinda stuff that America jokes about when they go Hollywood's fucked up and we're like, not all of it. And then you see that and you go, okay.

• 54:32Speaker 04

  Fair.

• 54:33Andrew Santino?

  They can't, we can't help ourself when that stuff happens. You go, right, yes, you're right. I can't even defend that. Cause it's so odd.

• 54:40Speaker 04

  It makes me feel like I'm not even part of the entertainment industry.

• 54:45Andrew Santino?

  You're not. You're not.

• 54:46Speaker 04

  It's totally fair.

• 54:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you're not.

• 54:48Speaker 04

  I came here to find out and thank you for being honest.

• 54:51Andrew Santino?

  You're not a redhead, you're not in the biz.

• 54:52Speaker 04

  Fuck.

• 54:55Andrew Santino?

  No, I, I, that, I've, that stuff has slowly turned me off as years have gone on. Cause all I wanted to do was be a stand-up comic who did comedic acting gigs. And then now I just don't really understand what any of it is anymore anyway. So now I'm like-

• 55:10Speaker 04

  You're very good, by the way.

• 55:12Andrew Santino?

  I'm okay. I'm not bad.

• 55:13Speaker 04

  I watched Dave when they came out and I was like-

• 55:16Andrew Santino?

  It was a fun show. That was fun. The problem is, they don't do those things anymore. You're like, can we make something fun again? And Hollywood's like, no fucking way dude.

• 55:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:24Andrew Santino?

  It's gotta be a-

• 55:26Speaker 04

  Have you seen the Free Burt thing?

• 55:28Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 55:29Speaker 04

  Really funny.

• 55:30Andrew Santino?

  What is that?

• 55:31Speaker 04

  It's Burt Kreischer made a-

• 55:33Andrew Santino?

  Oh, Burt's new show, yes. What am I saying?

• 55:35Speaker 04

  Dude, I don't know him. I've never met him. The show is so good.

• 55:41Andrew Santino?

  It's really good.

• 55:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, like, and I'm very judgmental.

• 55:43Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I was just gonna say, you don't seem like someone who, um, lies.

• 55:48Speaker 04

  I won't bring it up, yeah.

• 55:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, let me tell you something. We're gonna call Albert right now. Cause I want, honestly, because I'm not gonna lie to him. I haven't seen the show. I helped, I posted about it. Cause I'm proud of my buddy. Hey, you're on my podcast right now, and I'm here with Fiona Cauley, who's fucking hysterical. And she just said on the show how much she loves your new show. She goes, "It's so fucking funny and so good." And for a second, I was gonna lie and say I saw it, but I haven't seen it. But now I'm gonna.

• 56:19Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 56:21Andrew Santino?

  Well, you're the man. We love you. And Fiona says it's fantastic. And, uh, anything else you want to say that's really powerful?

• 56:28Speaker 04

  Nope.

• 56:29Andrew Santino?

  No, that's it. That's it. Alright, I love you, buddy.

• 56:32Speaker 05

  Thank you. Thank you, Fiona. Thank you, Andrew. I love you, man.

• 56:35Andrew Santino?

  Bye, dude. Look at that. We just made his day.

• 56:38Speaker 04

  That's so sweet.

• 56:39Andrew Santino?

  He needs it right now. He's going through something very, very bad. Yeah, he's going through a bottle of vodka right now.

• 56:46Speaker 04

  And it is not the expensive guy. It's a real.

• 56:49Andrew Santino?

  Pop off, baby. Bottom shelf. Plat- He's actually taking a break from drinking. He's got a little, uh, he's taking, he told me he's taking a little sabbatical, which I think is, we all need it. I'm doing the opposite.

• 57:00Speaker 04

  Me, too.

• 57:01Andrew Santino?

  Me, too. Everyone did the Dry January, and I, I just couldn't do it.

• 57:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm more for mama.

• 57:10Andrew Santino?

  What's your drink of choice? Well, well, hold on, let me guess. You're not a beer girl. No chance. No, you're too fit to be a beer girl. Cause beer girls, well, I grew up with beer girls. I grew up in the Midwest. Beer girls are just a-

• 57:21Speaker 04

  It starts good.

• 57:22Andrew Santino?

  They're, they're a little bit more staunch. They're stocky. Uh, which I do love about the Midwest girls. They take off their jacket and they're fucking jacked. And you're like, what does that mean?

• 57:31Speaker 04

  I'm not gonna hurt you.

• 57:32Andrew Santino?

  Nah, nah. Just gonna hug you, son. You are a... Maybe tequila? No? Is it like a vodka soda thing? It is? That bummed me out.

• 57:42Speaker 04

  I also love bourbon.

• 57:45Andrew Santino?

  You do?

• 57:45Speaker 04

  Like so much.

• 57:46Andrew Santino?

  If it wasn't so early, we'd be drinking, but you also have to do three other shows today.

• 57:49Speaker 04

  I love bourbon. It doesn't love me.

• 57:52Andrew Santino?

  What do you mean by that?

• 57:53Speaker 04

  Man, I'm only allowed to drink it at home.

• 57:57Andrew Santino?

  Well, cause you get no fights in public, is that?

• 58:01Speaker 04

  It it I just love it and

• 58:04Andrew Santino?

  It's so good.

• 58:04Speaker 04

  It's real potent, so real quick, I'm like, oh fuck.

• 58:09Andrew Santino?

  I know, I had some last night at the house and then my wife and I played cards and I got upset because she beat me every time.

• 58:13Speaker 04

  What kind of cards?

• 58:15Andrew Santino?

  We played, uh, we played thirty-one and then we were, we were, we were, you know what's so funny is like, we have to, I have to do two things at once. So we were planning flights for my sister's wedding and planning all the bullshit. And I was like, can we do something while we're doing this? Because it gives me anxiety.

• 58:30Speaker 04

  That's smart.

• 58:31Andrew Santino?

  I don't like, oh, I'm so bad at like, I'm Mr. Last Minute too. Like, I just don't, it gives me anxiety to be like, okay, if this flight's here into that hotel and then we're gonna go to your parents' house and that. So I was like, can we play cards while we're looking up flight stuff? So we played thirty-one, then we played, uh, golf, you ever played golf? Golf's fun.

• 58:49Speaker 04

  One time?

• 58:50Andrew Santino?

  No, not the real thing. Golf, the card game, you get six cards, you're allowed to flip over two, you have to pair and match with them and you get to draw from the top. And whoever's the lowest at the end. It's a stupid, it's a mindless game that we play that she fucked me, she beats me every time. But I'm not smart, so it does, so it almost like she should let me win.

• 59:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:10Andrew Santino?

  It's a little offensive.

• 59:11Speaker 04

  It is.

• 59:12Andrew Santino?

  She's like, one again, and it's like, yeah, it's starting to hurt.

• 59:15Speaker 04

  It's cool that she's not scared about like you hitting her, you know?

• 59:19Andrew Santino?

  Well, I mean, not after the police have been called. I mean, my god.

• 59:23Speaker 04

  Called so many times, am I right?

• 59:27Andrew Santino?

  No, you know, she's more scared of, um, she's more scared of me going to get another cocktail after I've lost so many times. I'm like, well, I'm just gonna drink again then, because I keep losing at the card games.

• 59:37Speaker 04

  And it's your fault.

• 59:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 59:39Speaker 04

  Is that what you say when you get up to it?

• 59:41Andrew Santino?

  I go, and I'm doing this because of you. Pour it down my mouth.

• 59:46Speaker 04

  The worst is when I want another one, I can't like lift a heavy bottle and pour it. So I'll be like, you don't need another one, I'm like, please pour me another one.

• 59:56Andrew Santino?

  Pour me another one.

• 59:57Speaker 04

  And then I'll be like, no, and I'll be like, that's fucked up to use my disability against me. And he's like, oh my god.

• 1:00:04Andrew Santino?

  That is fucked up though. Who does he think he is?

• 1:00:06Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:00:06Andrew Santino?

  You don't own me.

• 1:00:07Speaker 04

  You know what? Close the door, bitch.

• 1:00:13Andrew Santino?

  You close the door and you pee sitting down. And I got cameras in there, Matt. Guess what? They're all over the place.

• 1:00:19Speaker 04

  You will never find them.

• 1:00:24Andrew Santino?

  That is fucked up if you do. Well, what's your limit? Would you know when you hit your limit? Are you someone that's like, "Fuck it, I just got to party"?

• 1:00:29Speaker 04

  I do know, but it depends if I'm like celebrating something or not.

• 1:00:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Yeah, if you're doing like a, if there's, if something big is upon us.

• 1:00:38Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:00:38Andrew Santino?

  We must.

• 1:00:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:00:40Andrew Santino?

  Well, you're in town because you're going down to San Diego to do shows, is that right?

• 1:00:42Speaker 04

  Um, yes. And I've showed this store.

• 1:00:45Andrew Santino?

  Store, you gotta show at the store. Where in San Diego are you playing?

• 1:00:48Speaker 04

  Mic drop.

• 1:00:49Andrew Santino?

  Oh, mic drop, right, right, right, right, right. I've never been, but I know it. I know of it.

• 1:00:52Speaker 04

  Their menu fucks. It's so good.

• 1:00:54Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 1:00:55Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:00:55Andrew Santino?

  It's awesome.

• 1:00:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:00:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, San Diego, another place that had a million clubs pop up. I mean, we were La Jolla guys, the Comedy Store, because if you started the store up here, it was just, that's where you had to play.

• 1:01:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:01:05Andrew Santino?

  You could do other ones, but they really frowned on it.

• 1:01:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:01:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it was like a, it was like a big, back in the day, Mitzi would, yeah, the fear of Mitzi for us at the store was like, yeah, the new generations don't have that, which it's great for you guys, but it did instill this like, you better not upset the house.

• 1:01:24Speaker 04

  I wish I had that.

• 1:01:25Andrew Santino?

  It's cool. Well, you, I mean-

• 1:01:27Speaker 04

  I'm not scared of anybody.

• 1:01:28Andrew Santino?

  No. No, you're scared of curbs.

• 1:01:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:01:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, those things, male or female.

• 1:01:33Speaker 04

  A one step?

• 1:01:35Andrew Santino?

  One step?

• 1:01:35Speaker 04

  Good night, yeah.

• 1:01:37Andrew Santino?

  I mean, it's like-

• 1:01:37Speaker 04

  One step is worse than a bunch.

• 1:01:39Andrew Santino?

  Oh, big time.

• 1:01:40Speaker 04

  Because you think you can do it. Now you're on the ground.

• 1:01:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, dude. One step. Four steps is like, oh, okay, I'm not gonna go over there.

• 1:01:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm gonna throw.

• 1:01:50Andrew Santino?

  Right. You're not gonna cross the street. You know what I mean? You're gonna, you're gonna stay in line.

• 1:01:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:01:54Andrew Santino?

  But, one step, you go, "I'll challenge."

• 1:01:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, why the, I'm American.

• 1:02:00Speaker 04

  I can do this.

• 1:02:01Andrew Santino?

  You can do it. Yeah, you can. No, I think, uh, I think the, the world of, uh, you guys not having those threats is a good thing. I honestly like, I think the community's gotten better in stand-up. We were, it was like- You know, like the world of, of like when Tony was out here and stuff like that. Like the store was a dark, dark place, man.

• 1:02:21Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:02:22Andrew Santino?

  And people were fucking mean. It was like, there was no, it wasn't like, we're all buddies. It was like, fuck you, I'll kill you for stage time. Yeah, you guys not, your generation, it's like, everyone's a friend, it's the weirdest thing, it's great.

• 1:02:33Speaker 04

  But it's not always real and that's stressful.

• 1:02:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 1:02:37Speaker 04

  They're trying to navigate like, is this my friend or can I not? Trust this person?

• 1:02:44Andrew Santino?

  Well, you can't trust them, but they might still be your friend. Only time will tell.

• 1:02:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:02:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, with comics especially, in our business, it's like, you do see, especially when you get, when you continue to be as successful. Good luck. I can't wait for people to start hating you. I'm so excited.

• 1:03:00Speaker 04

  Really, does a party my friend?

• 1:03:03Andrew Santino?

  Well, then I want to join, whoever's out there hating on her, please send me all the hate so I can read it privately. Behind her back, I really would love that. Nobody hates you, you're a liar. No chance. There is one person that we both know that hates you. Very, very much.

• 1:03:18Speaker 04

  A lot.

• 1:03:19Andrew Santino?

  You want to say it out loud? We can say it right now.

• 1:03:21Speaker 04

  I think you should say it.

• 1:03:23Andrew Santino?

  You want me to?

• 1:03:23Speaker 04

  You have a little more of a bra.

• 1:03:25Andrew Santino?

  Jay Leno.

• 1:03:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:03:28Andrew Santino?

  He invited you in a car once and you said, I don't know if it's gonna work out, and he was so offended and he was like.

• 1:03:34Speaker 06

  I don't really like that girl.

• 1:03:36Speaker 04

  He loosened all my bolts. When I wasn't looking.

• 1:03:40Andrew Santino?

  He's a car guy, he knows how to fix and break that thing at the same time. He really is diabolical Jay Leno. People don't really know that about him, that he's been picking on the disabled for years.

• 1:03:48Speaker 04

  Oh my god, he's a brave threat.

• 1:03:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:52Speaker 04

  He sees a ramp, makes stairs.

• 1:03:57Speaker 06

  We should make more stairs around town. I don't think we need more ramps, no more ramps, ramping these people. What do these people need ramps for? What do they need ramps for? They roll around?

• 1:04:05Andrew Santino?

  Why? Why did I bring up Jay Leno? He was at the store the other night, that's why I just got it in my head. He's a very nice guy, he's a sweet guy. Who's your, who was your North Star when you started comedy? Who do you think was like your? Who's your favorite?

• 1:04:21Speaker 04

  When I started, definitely Josh Bloom.

• 1:04:24Andrew Santino?

  Josh Bloom, yeah. Phenomenal comic.

• 1:04:27Speaker 04

  Yeah, I, um, met him once.

• 1:04:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:30Speaker 04

  Before, way before I was a comedian. And I, um, was in No Wheelchair at that time. I went to a show at Zany's and I got shitfaced at the show. And there was like a meet and greet he was doing on your way out and I just like, was like, uh, you know, you're work, yeah, but I was talking too much. I was being complimentary but I was being drunk.

• 1:04:58Andrew Santino?

  You were fanning out.

• 1:04:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:04:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:00Speaker 04

  And his sister was so nice, I was like, hey girl, let's keep moving.

• 1:05:05Andrew Santino?

  That is so-

• 1:05:06Speaker 04

  It was, and I've never met him again.

• 1:05:08Andrew Santino?

  Well, let's meet him again.

• 1:05:09Speaker 04

  No, bring him in.

• 1:05:11Andrew Santino?

  Josh! He's very funny and, and also, I'm sure he'd love to meet you again. In this state, now that you're in?

• 1:05:20Speaker 04

  Sober.

• 1:05:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:05:22Andrew Santino?

  Sober and success, a successful comedian? That's huge, you were like, I met you when I was a bumbling idiot.

• 1:05:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:05:28Andrew Santino?

  And now-

• 1:05:29Speaker 04

  Maybe you thought I was disabled and not drunk, that's what I always hope.

• 1:05:34Andrew Santino?

  It's a good sell. No one's ever really gonna know. I don't really know.

• 1:05:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, I could be-

• 1:05:38Andrew Santino?

  Cause I do think you did smell a little like vodka when you walked in.

• 1:05:40Speaker 04

  Whoa, you're smelling ladies now?

• 1:05:43Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I got it, that's part of the show. We'll cut to the smelling lady clip right now, where I sniff the lady.

• 1:05:51Andrew Santino?

  No, he, he's, that's a good one. Who's, who's like, who's your favorite of all time?

• 1:05:58Speaker 04

  Mmm.

• 1:06:01Speaker 04

  God, that's so hard. Um. I don't wanna glaze anyone.

• 1:06:08Andrew Santino?

  No, who gives a shit? They're not gonna fuck it. No one cares. Nobody cares.

• 1:06:12Speaker 04

  Um, the greatest of all time.

• 1:06:18Andrew Santino?

  It's tough, huh?

• 1:06:19Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 1:06:19Andrew Santino?

  You think there's too many of them?

• 1:06:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:06:21Andrew Santino?

  That's the problem, right?

• 1:06:22Speaker 04

  I mean, Shane Gillis is very funny.

• 1:06:24Andrew Santino?

  He like, he might be your greatest.

• 1:06:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, but I don't wanna.

• 1:06:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I got you.

• 1:06:28Speaker 04

  It feels weird cuz I know him.

• 1:06:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Fuck him.

• 1:06:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, fuck him.

• 1:06:33Andrew Santino?

  I always say a dead guy.

• 1:06:34Speaker 04

  Oh, that's good.

• 1:06:36Andrew Santino?

  Then it's no skin.

• 1:06:37Speaker 04

  Uh, fucking Mitch Hedberg.

• 1:06:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, phenomenal. See, that's great. No one can get mad when you say the, the dead guy's the greatest.

• 1:06:42Speaker 04

  That's true. Yeah.

• 1:06:44Andrew Santino?

  For me, it's like Norm or Geraldo. Greg Geraldo. Did you know who that was?

• 1:06:47Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 1:06:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's amazing. Yeah. He was awesome. He was fucking. I mean, you're, you wouldn't have, I mean, he died a while ago sadly. He was so, I think he's. He, look him up and you'll go right away. You'll go, ah, yes, I get this. This guy's brilliant.

• 1:07:00Speaker 04

  Ralphie May, very funny.

• 1:07:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, very funny. Not dead.

• 1:07:05Speaker 04

  What?

• 1:07:05Andrew Santino?

  No, he came back.

• 1:07:06Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 1:07:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:07Speaker 04

  You just made me sweat.

• 1:07:09Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no.

• 1:07:10Speaker 04

  I was like, oh my god.

• 1:07:12Andrew Santino?

  He was so fucking funny too. Alright, let's name dead people that weren't funny. Here we go.

• 1:07:15Speaker 04

  Oh, fine. One, two, three.

• 1:07:19Andrew Santino?

  We'll say it at the same time. No, I, I get that though. You're right. You are right to say that it is kinda hard to name someone right now. Because you're like, well, I don't know. If you know, if you know them, it is hard. But it does feel good if you create a relationship with someone that you. Like, I grew up loving Chappelle. And then to have a relationship with him as an adult is weird.

• 1:07:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:07:39Andrew Santino?

  It's fucking amazing, but I'm like, that's so crazy.

• 1:07:41Speaker 04

  It's weird to be like, you idolize someone and then you're like, oh. Like, parts of the person annoy me, like a normal friend.

• 1:07:50Andrew Santino?

  Sure, yeah, they have to. Well, then you know you actually really like them.

• 1:07:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:07:53Andrew Santino?

  Because if it was this, the other version of it, you'd be like, well, this is all fake.

• 1:07:56Speaker 04

  Everything is good about them and, yeah.

• 1:07:59Andrew Santino?

  No chance. No.

• 1:07:59Speaker 04

  I was a really big fan of Sam Morril.

• 1:08:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, love Sam.

• 1:08:05Speaker 04

  I love Sam.

• 1:08:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he's the best.

• 1:08:06Speaker 04

  I got to do him and Mark's podcast.

• 1:08:09Andrew Santino?

  We might be drunk.

• 1:08:10Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:08:10Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, and you got drunk.

• 1:08:11Speaker 04

  And I got real drunk.

• 1:08:13Andrew Santino?

  Would they feed you bourbon? Those guys love bourbon.

• 1:08:14Speaker 04

  Baga soda.

• 1:08:16Andrew Santino?

  Oh. Cause they got, we got Bodega Cat here. We have their booze here.

• 1:08:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, they sent us home with one and it's all gone.

• 1:08:23Andrew Santino?

  Ooh. I could, I wish, I could send you home with some good bourbon from here, but the problem is, well, you gotta, you're flying back.

• 1:08:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:08:30Andrew Santino?

  So it's a waste, huh?

• 1:08:31Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:08:31Andrew Santino?

  Well, you could put it in your bag, but if it breaks.

• 1:08:33Speaker 04

  We do, yeah, nah.

• 1:08:35Andrew Santino?

  I know, I've done that once. I took home a nice bottle and it broke, cause I didn't wrap it properly and so my suitcase was booze. It was just all my clothes. I had booze jeans for a while.

• 1:08:45Speaker 04

  Booze jeans.

• 1:08:46Andrew Santino?

  And you can't get, I don't know, man, if you know about denim, my god, I don't care how many times you wash it, it stays.

• 1:08:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:08:51Andrew Santino?

  Booze jeans stays.

• 1:08:52Speaker 04

  Good to know.

• 1:08:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, Japanese denim should take note about that. Make jeans that are unbooze, unboozeable.

• 1:08:59Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:09:00Andrew Santino?

  Also, don't pack it in your bag like an idiot. Um, are you, so you're on the road? And then are you in this mental space of maybe doing a special at some point?

• 1:09:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, but I don't wanna.

• 1:09:11Andrew Santino?

  Take your time, don't do it.

• 1:09:12Speaker 04

  Jump the gun, yeah.

• 1:09:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, so they suck anyway. They're fucking, it's a nightmare. Recording stuff sucks.

• 1:09:16Speaker 04

  Letting go of my first, like, full, and I change it. I throw shit out of it, but new stuff in constantly.

• 1:09:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:24Speaker 04

  Like, it never is the same hour, like, three months later, I panic, I don't know.

• 1:09:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but that's healthy. I think it's, if you're not changing it, your stagnancy is terrible. So if you're not changing it, that's, but that's why it's hard to record something, cause you're like, I like it more now than I did then. Or sometimes you're like, I didn't even like it the way I thought I liked it at the time.

• 1:09:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:09:47Andrew Santino?

  It's, it's so hard.

• 1:09:48Speaker 04

  I mean, maybe in like one or two years, but like, truthfully, I'm so new in comedy. I don't think I like deserve to have a special yet, like, I need to earn the time.

• 1:10:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but yeah, you need your stripes.

• 1:10:01Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 1:10:02Andrew Santino?

  Uh, like, just like when you were in the service.

• 1:10:04Speaker 04

  Just, just like that.

• 1:10:06Andrew Santino?

  Just like when you were, when you served. Yeah, I forgot. You're marine, is what, that's what it was? Can you imagine if you did like Stolen Valor, who would say anything? That would be a great video on YouTube.

• 1:10:16Speaker 04

  It's actually when I used a walker to get around. I didn't know it was, uh, Veterans Day.

• 1:10:27Speaker 04

  And I was wearing my friend's hoodie that said US Marine on it. We went to a Mexican restaurant with my friends and someone paid our tab. And came up and said, "Thank you for your service."

• 1:10:41Andrew Santino?

  Oh my god.

• 1:10:42Speaker 04

  I panicked and all I could think to say was, "Oh my god, anytime."

• 1:10:51Andrew Santino?

  But did you, okay, they pay the tab. Now, to make up for that, just tip well.

• 1:10:56Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:10:56Andrew Santino?

  No. You're right. No, those people don't deserve a good tip. You are absolutely right. Good for you. Actually, this, but that bothered me at the airport the other day. They say, when they board and they say, uh, people who need help getting on board, uh, or, um, active duty military. Why do they have to be fucking active? I think it should just be anyone that's, uh, it's a weird thing to differentiate to go, "Hey, no, no, you gotta be active right now." It's like, if you did the mil-, if you found the military, fucking let them on the, let them go in the military chunk. It's really strange. I don't like it. It bothers me. And then they do, the thing that actually bothers me the most is when they do, um, they'll do like, people with disabilities, people that need help getting on board, active duty military,

• 1:11:39Andrew Santino?

  and then they'll do sma-, families of small children. No. You don't even deserve to get on. Fuck you guys. No. You know what? Drive. Get off the plane, drive. You pig people. He's got a little kid. I can't stand that.

• 1:11:53Speaker 04

  I could tell.

• 1:11:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you can smell it on him.

• 1:11:55Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's really bad.

• 1:11:56Andrew Santino?

  He's got a beautiful little child, a gorgeous little child, and she's bilingual.

• 1:12:00Speaker 04

  What, already?

• 1:12:02Andrew Santino?

  Well, cuz he's Spanish.

• 1:12:03Speaker 04

  How old is she?

• 1:12:06Andrew Santino?

  She's extremely cute. It's obnoxious. The problem is, as mediocre looking as he is, the woman he married is stunning.

• 1:12:14Speaker 04

  Real hot.

• 1:12:15Andrew Santino?

  She's fucking beautiful. And so they made a beautiful little girl and it bothers me because of how low on the totem pole of looks he is.

• 1:12:24Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:12:25Andrew Santino?

  That, cuz usually it goes, two ugly people make a pretty person.

• 1:12:28Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:12:29Andrew Santino?

  And two pretty people make a mediocre person.

• 1:12:31Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:12:31Andrew Santino?

  But a pretty woman and a mediocre man, it's a wild gamble. And, and he won, and that's another thing that makes me mad about working with him and employing him. It pisses me off.

• 1:12:41Speaker 04

  Totally fair. I'd be furious.

• 1:12:43Andrew Santino?

  I'm pissed. I'm pissed off. And people at home don't know it's not McConaughey this week. It's Fancy, it's Fancy B. It's Andres. That's so funny because we don't have a camera on him. So people don't know. People think I'm maybe talking about McConaughey, but McConaughey is stuck on the East Coast, and we hope he gets stuck forever, at least Fancy does. Um, look, we're gonna end the show, uh, because I, I, uh, I'm really, really pissed off right now.

• 1:13:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:13:04Andrew Santino?

  And, um...

• 1:13:04Speaker 04

  And me?

• 1:13:05Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. No, it's been, it's honestly been a pleasure, and I genuinely mean this. I think you're very funny, and I can't wait to see what you do next. Um, and I do hope, um, I do hope those murder charges get dropped for you, because I don't think you deserve that.

• 1:13:18Speaker 04

  Thank you. It was an accident.

• 1:13:19Andrew Santino?

  It was an accident, dude. Things happen.

• 1:13:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:13:23Andrew Santino?

  Uh, and you're on the road. FionaCali.com is probably what it is. It's gotta be, right?

• 1:13:28Speaker 04

  Tried to.

• 1:13:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Go, go see her live, uh, please. She's probably gonna be touring for the next few months. Um, and then she summers in, in, uh, she summers in Greece, as we all know, on a boat. We've seen the photos.

• 1:13:41Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 1:13:41Andrew Santino?

  We're excited about that.

• 1:13:42Speaker 04

  I'm good on a boat.

• 1:13:43Andrew Santino?

  You are gooood on a boat.

• 1:13:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:13:45Andrew Santino?

  It kinda balances it out.

• 1:13:46Speaker 04

  I know, I've got my lane legs, so it's good to be out there, you know?

• 1:13:53Andrew Santino?

  Uh, go see her live. Uh, we end the show the same way. Uh, you look into that camera, and you say one word or one phrase to end the episode. So it used to be a, a word, and then I said, oh, if you have a, a phrase or something of wisdom to impart, or just a word, if you wanna leave it at that, you can do it whenever you're ready into that camera.

• 1:14:11Speaker 04

  Okay. I'm scared. Sizzle.

• 1:14:18Speaker 02

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 1:14:23Speaker 03

  Oh, that creature in the ginger beard!

• 1:14:25Speaker 07

  Sturdy and ginger.

• 1:14:27Speaker 03

  Like vampires, the ginger gene is cursed. Gingers are beautiful.

• 1:14:44Speaker 00

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• 1:15:20Speaker 00

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