Is It True? “Nobody Knows What They’re Doing”

You’ve probably said it—or heard it: “Nobody knows what they’re doing.” It’s meant to comfort us as parents. And sometimes it does. But… is it actually true?

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

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• 0:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  There's a sentence parents say to each other like it's a warm blanket. Nobody really knows what they're doing. And it's usually delivered with that kind of shrug, or it's delivered over coffee, or just kind of whispered in a group text after a rotten day. And without a doubt, it is meant to make parents feel better. And sometimes it definitely does. And sometimes it makes you look around and think, but maybe some people do. And that mom at pickup, when that parent is dealing with that tantrum, like, I like the way that parent handled it. And this other parent who's telling me how they dealt with their kid lying, hmm, I don't

• 1:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  know if I would have done that, but I kind of like that, too. And then there's a bigger zoom out. If nobody knows what they're doing, with the job that probably impacts our own life and the world in the biggest way, I don't know, does that maybe mean something else if we're all just winging it? And can we think about that question without going to the extreme and the opposite? The opposite extreme is, oh, someone has it all together and is always perfect. Is there anything in between that would be useful as a framework? Well, Myleek is here again to help me unpack this because I think it's really important and I wanted to talk to her about it. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm glad you're here.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  My, my oldest, just, we're at the cutest little pizza place by our house and I'm by myself. I have the stroller. I have my, I have my tablet. I've got, I've got everything I need. Screaming on the floor, through the tablet, on the ground.

• 2:36Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Through it?

• 2:37Speaker 01

  Through it. Through it.

• 2:39Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  The audacity.

• 2:40Speaker 01

  Hanging out of the stroller.

• 2:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Uh huh.

• 2:43Speaker 01

  I'm trying to order a pizza. Everybody's staring at me and I'm just like WTF.

• 2:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  WTF. How did I get here? How did I get here? I mean, he's through this expensive thing that he supposedly likes.

• 3:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right.

• 3:01Speaker 01

  And he's on the floor and he doesn't care.

• 3:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 3:04Speaker 01

  And it was just, he, no matter what I seemed to do, it wasn't ending.

• 3:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And what, just get real, like what feels natural in that moment? Like what's going on in your head?

• 3:14Speaker 01

  Snatched the tablet because, excuse me.

• 3:17Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  Next, it's like wanting to like, put him back. And now I am on stage and other, everybody's staring at me and it's like, okay, I have to show everyone that I'm not okay with this.

• 3:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I have to kind of prove it to all.

• 3:32Speaker 01

  I have to kind of let everybody know that, hey.

• 3:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  In what way? Like, we get, we all get like a little.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  You know, like, you, you, you know, it's like, I'm huffing. I'm like, you know, I'm frustrated. I'm moving things. You know, I'm picking everything up. Excuse me, you know, I'm gonna take him to the side and I still need to order pizza, you know, I need to like, have a moment with him.

• 3:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yep.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  So that everybody knows that, you know what, I got this.

• 3:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'm taking this seriously.

• 3:55Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 3:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'm not a pushover.

• 3:56Speaker 01

  I'm not. And I, you know, I don't want this to happen again.

• 4:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So you end up getting home. You survive that moment. And I'm just thinking, probably most natural is, something, I don't know, something's wrong with my kid. Like.

• 4:07Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 4:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Bad kid, disrespectful kid, spoiled kid, ungrateful kid, sociopath kid? Which, which are the words that come out?

• 4:13Speaker 01

  All of them. You know, I just thought like. First things first, this is, this will never end for me. This is going to happen every time I try to go somewhere. I'm nervous that every time I take him out and he's not happy. And I, and I thought I had, had all the things that would help this situation hap- go well. This will happen for the rest of our lives. He's not going to be, he's not going to get very far because he's going to be doing this in school.

• 4:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 4:43Speaker 01

  And I just, I'm, I'm seeing out into the future. He's going to be unemployed, he's going to be living with me forever. This is what I'm thinking.

• 4:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Sorry about that. Sorry that that's happening. It's not, but you know, we're already like, all my friends are going to think I'm a horrible parent because my 23 year old looks at me and you're like, I, I just.

• 4:57Speaker 01

  And it all started at the pizza place, on the floor, when I started. That's where it started. And had I, had I done it right then, we wouldn't be here.

• 5:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But no one knows what they're doing.

• 5:08Speaker 01

  Right.

• 5:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right. As soon as I get out of, my kid is going to be like this forever mode.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  Right.

• 5:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Or, well, nobody knows what they're doing mode.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  Right.

• 5:17Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I actually can be, and this is something I know you're, this muscle is strong for you. You can be curious.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 5:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right?

• 5:24Speaker 01

  Which took time, which took time. It was not something I feel like I could do easily because I was so busy trying to figure out what I did. You know, I'm, I'm already always thinking like, if something happens, like, what did I do? It's like, did I not wake him up early enough? Did I give him the wrong food? You know? Did I go too far? You know, was it, you know, did I, did he have the tablet too long? I'm thinking of all these other things that maybe I did versus getting curious and saying like, huh, what's going on?

• 5:59Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah, it is kind of.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  I'm either blaming myself or figuring out, you know, or maybe it's him.

• 6:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right.

• 6:05Speaker 01

  It's not me.

• 6:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It's always someone's fault.

• 6:06Speaker 01

  It's always.

• 6:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You're in fault mode.

• 6:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I just want to come out and say this. Nobody knows what they're doing all the time with parenting. Like, you know this about me. I think like when someone's like, parenting expert, Dr. Becky Kennedy. I'm like, stop calling me that. And they're like, oh, did I get your name wrong? And I was like, I just hate the word expert. I really do. Because I really do feel like I'm someone who loves to learn. Like, I love learning. Like, oh, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I find it exciting and maybe it's a limited understanding, but I think experts are kind of at the end of their learning journey. Like, they've reached the top of the mountain.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  Right.

• 6:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That feels very sad to me.

• 6:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So I just want to say that if one myth or one idea is, nobody knows what they're doing.

• 6:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I think actually what's equally untrue is somebody always knows what they're doing.

• 6:54Speaker 01

  Nobody knows what they're doing all the time.

• 6:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Nobody.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  But there are times when people, you know, they know what they're doing. It's like, you've seen people, they're in the grocery store. There's someone with multiple children, someone screaming. And it's just almost like they're kind of flawlessly moving things around. And there, it's like-

• 7:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Paint me a picture of that. Like, what's the moment? I'm curious about this. And I'm not trying to set you up for a certain answer, but I'm generally curious what you're gonna say.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 7:19Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  What's the moment in parenting? And you can make up a person. It doesn't have to be real, that you're like, wow, that chick, that dude knows what they're doing. Like, I'm impressed.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  Yes, there's a story.

• 7:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay.

• 7:29Speaker 01

  There's this time that my son went to this one camp and I was waiting behind a parent that a couple of the camp counselors came out to say, like, to tell on her son. They were like, you know, and I'm just sitting there like, uh-oh. You know, so they came out and they, I was, you know, they came out, they were like, um, mom, we need to talk to you. He did this and he did that and on and on and on. And she, when I tell you my girl was cool and calm, she said, okay. Okay, so then her son came out. I'm still waiting. And I'm like, oh, she's gonna-

• 8:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Oh, the hammer.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, she's, and they're standing there waiting for her to come down on him. And she was just like, how was everything today?

• 8:15Speaker 01

  She, okay, she was like, great, good to see you. She, they stood there, everybody watched. I get, so, and I kinda can hear her walking away on the stairs. I get my son and I see them in the like, um, the, they're getting like a smoothie. And I'm like, I gotta, I gotta get the rest of this. I stand, we get in line and she is not shaming her son. She didn't let those counselors knock her off her game. I was like, she, she's going to handle this. I could tell that she was going to handle it, but she didn't need to erupt in the moment, prove anything to them. And I was like, she's got it. I just, I felt like she's got this handled and I was like, she knows what she's doing.

• 9:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  I'm in charge, I'm the boss, I got it. I don't need to do anything right now for you.

• 9:08Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yep, I'm not proving my good parenting

• 9:11Speaker 01

  No.

• 9:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  to you by being overzealous about something that I actually don't even think would be helpful in the moment.

• 9:18Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:18Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So good.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  And they kind of just like walked out and then I could tell she, she, the way she was asking about his day was she was trying to get to it.

• 9:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 9:28Speaker 01

  But even the way she was going about getting to it was like, you know, so they told me, she never said that. She was just sort of like, so how was it today and what happened at, you know, swim, you know? And I was like, I, she's got it.

• 9:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  And I loved it and not saying sorry to everyone else.

• 9:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And not saying sorry to everyone. Again, again, this publicness.

• 9:46Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right?

• 9:47Speaker 01

  And just sort of saying it to their child, sorry, versus apologizing to everyone for having a child, being a child.

• 9:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah, that's, that's exactly right.

• 9:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know, I think about a moment, I think one of my proudest moments as a parent, okay, was, it was a while ago, but I just, the story is so visceral, I don't know why, where my youngest, I knew, totally ruined this puzzle that the four of us were working on. Me, my husband, my older two kids were working on a puzzle. My son was young at the time and we came back after a break and like half of the puzzle pieces that we'd put together were like gone. We don't have a dog, okay?

• 10:29Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 10:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I don't really believe in, exactly in ghosts, right? So I was like, I know, I know what happened here. And I was like, hey, what did you do with the puzzle pieces?

• 10:37Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And she's like... I don't know what you're talking about.

• 10:40Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 10:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And something in the moment, I don't know, I just was able to drop down into,

• 10:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I probably, he's a kid who fashions himself to be very capable. So for him to not be able to participate in something the four of us are doing is really painful. And my guess is ruining the puzzle probably is trying to like ruin and erase that feeling.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  Right, but my question to you is always, how do we get there?

• 11:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 11:10Speaker 01

  Right, how do we get there? Because, I mean, I can think of my proudest moment, but I'm just,

• 11:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  I know how often we, as parents, have these times where it's like, you know, who knows how much this puzzle was, or it was a gift from someone special.

• 11:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Totally.

• 11:25Speaker 01

  And it's so hard to get there. How do we do it? Tell us.

• 11:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So, if we can first say, wait, there's something between, nobody knows what they're doing, and people know what they're doing all the time. I'm just gonna try to live in between. Then probably the biggest thing to try to learn is decoding behavior.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 11:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It's the, it's the, what we do when we see a kid's behavior is we assume we know everything about them.

• 11:52Speaker 01

  Right.

• 11:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Which makes sense, because behavior is observable. We see it.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  Right.

• 11:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Trying to understand the feeling underneath, the struggle underneath, the wish underneath, the fear underneath, those things, forget not being visible, there's no blood test for them.

• 12:07Speaker 01

  Right.

• 12:08Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You're not like, oh, you were actually scared. So you have to wonder, you have to

• 12:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  kind of use this most generous interpretation, and then you have to do something else. Because when you do that, for example, my son really struggles when he doesn't feel capable. He was struggling to feel left out. I kind of know that about him. It's not about saying after. Oh, so, everything's fine. Right. No. That's how he is. That's just how he is. Yeah. That's another one. Yeah. It is what it is. Right. That's, well, we'll unpack that one. Or that's just how they are. That's just how they are. Yep. Right, maybe it's kind of, right, I guess, that and nobody really knows what they're doing. I'll have this, it's really interesting. My visual of it is the same as expert, even though it almost sounds the opposite. Yes. It's just a final dot. Yep. Experts know, nobody knows what they're doing, it is what it is.

• 12:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So, when I try to understand behavior for my kid, for another adult, for another kid, it's not about then putting the period there. Okay, well, that's how they are. Right. But I think, my link was interesting to me, is in so many other areas, even for children and their development, we implicitly get that we have to understand what's underneath to help a kid. So, for example, let's say you have a kid who's a tennis player. And they keep hitting the ball into the net. That's not good for tennis, right? Right. The ball's supposed to go over the net. Right. Okay. You could say, over and over, "Stop hitting the ball into the net. Stop hitting the ball into the net." Because that's observable, and nobody wants that. Right.

• 13:39Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But a good coach probably says, "I see the ball going into the net." I don't know why, exactly. Let me, is it the grip? Is it their body position? And then you actually might, "Oh, no, that's all fine. Oh, it's interesting. This kid feels so much pressure on themselves. They keep saying, 'I suck, I'm gonna lose.'" So, I love this idea that when you see a problem on the surface, the behavior, that's valuable information. Okay. But it's just a clue. It's not the whole thing. The whole thing for the tennis players is that the ball goes into the net. That is a clue to help me think, as a coach, what's actually the problem? Hmm, okay. And then, maybe, as a coach, I'm like, "It's the grip."

• 14:23Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I would never say, "Oh, it's the grip." "Okay." "No, okay, now, now I have to help them change the grip." Right. So my son, I think there is like a process. And the reason this is a practice is because we have to practice this thought process. Multiple times. A day, or, or at least when we lose it, we're like, "I'm gonna go back to it." Right. It's a practice. It's a muscle. Yes. And that is a skill of trying to understand what's happening for humans. Right. Underneath their behavior, because we have to understand the true issue that's leading to the ball in the net, or in my son's case, the stealing of the puzzle pieces, or in your son's case, the throwing of the tablet, okay? We have to understand, those are problems.

• 15:04Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But they're actually just a symptom of the problem that I have to figure out. And when I get curious, I may say, "Okay, so my son likes to feel capable." "Okay, so what can I do about it?" And I'll tell you what I did, because that was a complicated one. For your son, okay, who knows? Right. We were waiting and he wanted my attention. And maybe I say, because I start to get curious, I wasn't really good. I was kind of distracted. I was on my phone. Or maybe I'm saying, you know, when I go into a public space that's overwhelming, my kid gets overwhelmed, I, I'm probably just not gonna let him have a tablet in his hand next time. So maybe that's something I start changing. Yes.

• 15:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right? But it actually, we can't come up with a helpful intervention if we don't get curious about what's actually happening under behavior. I'm not gonna be a good tennis coach if I don't try to figure out why my player is hitting the ball into the net. And if, and if you saw me figuring that out. Yeah. Here's the other thing, you would never say to me, Becky, like, "You're a pretty permissive tennis coach." Like, "Just tell him, tell her, it's not acceptable." Right. "It's not acceptable to hit the ball into the net. Go to your room and come back to the court when you can hit the ball over the net." "Or else you're permitting bad tennis behavior." Like, you would never, you would say, "You look like a good coach."

• 16:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You look, yes. Right? Yeah. And so I think that there's other things too. But the interesting thing is when we start to try to figure out what's really going on under behavior, we also start to apply that framework to ourselves.

• 16:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

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• 17:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

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• 18:19Dr. Becky Kennedy?

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• 19:04Speaker 01

  Parenting has made me a better person in so many ways across the board. But if I can be curious about my kid, I can be curious about myself. And I feel like I have so much more sort of like self compassion because I'm not just like, oh, I'm bad at that, you know, putting the period on, oh, I'm not, I'm not good at this. Or I'm, I'm bad at that. It's like, huh, why don't I do that? Or why do I maybe run late on this? Or avoid that versus just like, oh, I'm, I'm bad at replying to texts. Or I'm, you know, it's like, huh.

• 19:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Or talk to me about yelling. Like if you yell at your kid, what's the level where your own curiosity, practicing the skill of curiosity, because the easiest thing is I'm, I'm a monster. I'm a monster. I yelled at my kid. But if you practice curiosity, I'm curious, what does that sound like inside your brain?

• 19:56Speaker 01

  If I, because I can, I now know when I'm going to yell.

• 20:02Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Tell me.

• 20:04Speaker 01

  When we go on vacation and it is, it is the first seven minutes in that hotel room and the pools outside, the bathing suits in the, in the luggage. They are excited, but I can't find the room key. Where's my phone?

• 20:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I need to unpack. I'm like, don't you want to unpack? And they're like, no.

• 20:29Speaker 01

  Oh, I will, you know, I will, I, I will scream. And even this one time, I feel like I, I took my kids by myself because my partner, their dad takes, he's taken them twice on, on an airplane. And I was feeling like, you know what? I can do this. And so we're in the airport and I finally, we finally got to the hotel room and I go, I feel like I've been yelling at you guys all day.

• 20:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 20:54Speaker 01

  And they go, not that bad, mom.

• 20:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You've been worse.

• 21:02Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But here's what I know about you. Because it goes back to this idea. Nobody knows what they're doing. If nobody knows what they're doing, then every time I yell at my kid, I'm either a monster, or well, it is what it is, because nobody knows what they're doing. If you can practice the skill in between, nobody knows what they're doing. Oh my goodness, I just figured something out. Live. I love talking to you. Do you know what is remarkably similar about nobody knows what they're doing? And some people have it all figured out? Both are completely anti-curiosity. If I know what I'm doing all the time, I'm never curious. And if nobody knows what they're doing.

• 21:36Speaker 01

  There's no need to be.

• 21:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'm not curious.

• 21:38Speaker 01

  No.

• 21:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So actually, there are two sides of the same coin, because the coin actually has to do with the total lack of curiosity.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  Correct.

• 21:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  What's in between is actually just, can I be curious? Can I be curious about myself? Why am I yelling there? Because then if I can say, it's actually really triggering. When my kids were young, they were like, I want to go to the pool. I'm like, I want to unpack. Can't you wait? I took you on this nice occasion, like, ugh. But if I can say, Becky, I'm going on vacation tomorrow. Let's get real. I'm probably going to have the urge to scream at my kid. Instead of, some people have it figured out, which would tell me I'm a horrible mom, or nobody knows what they're doing, in which case I'm just going to yell at them because I can't do anything differently anyway. I actually want to tell you what I do on vacation, because you and I are similar. Hey, when we get to the room, like, and my kids were younger, I used to say, can we make a couple predictions? And we used to like make them, it wasn't anything crazy.

• 22:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  How many lamps are there going to be in our rooms? What color's the bed going to be? I can't even tell you what would happen. It was like a trick. They would have something exciting to do in the room. Instead of just saying, pool, pool, pool. While I kind of had, by the way, I'm not saying this was some 15-minute adventure.

• 22:51Speaker 01

  Right.

• 22:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But it could even be, I mean, you know that, the demand to go to the pool when you get into the room is like a split second.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So giving you two minutes? And then we'd play around. Oh, okay, so you think there's going to be a green wall? You think this? And it was almost like a little game. Oh, I was right, you were wrong. What's the next thing? And that idea only came up because I was able to be curious about, well, what's really going on there? What do I need?

• 23:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:18Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right?

• 23:19Speaker 01

  A little bit. We just came back from a trip. And what I did is...

• 23:24Speaker 01

  I had them put their suits in their backpacks. So that now you can struggle to get your clothes because they're still young. Like struggle while they're struggling to get their clothes off and put them away and try to get their suit on. I can at least get a breather.

• 23:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 23:44Speaker 01

  And find my own suit and just like get my bearings before they're just like, Mom, Mom, open the suitcase. Put my suit, put my swimsuit on, we gotta go. And so now I was like, okay, I can slow this down some and I didn't, I didn't yell this time.

• 23:59Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And, and but I. But you worked to get there.

• 24:02Speaker 01

  I did.

• 24:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You did, you thought you were curious, you made, then you kind of translated that understanding into, oh, so I can do this differently.

• 24:10Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Because I understand this differently.

• 24:12Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And then it wa, I don't think it was a coincidence that you didn't yell that one time.

• 24:16Speaker 01

  That wa, right, because I'm like, but you know, when you're packing all the bags, you don't think about it. But this, it's like, I finally figured it out. I don't do well the first five, I don't do well the first five minutes in the hotel room.

• 24:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right, well, there's too big of a mismatch. Nobody does well when there's a mismatch between what you need and what your kid needs. Like, I think that's why sleep at night is so hard. Our kids need five more minutes with us and we need no more minutes with them.

• 24:40Speaker 01

  Right.

• 24:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So no more minutes. It's just a gap.

• 24:42Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know, and so, and so when you're aware of that, then you can action.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  A little bit and, and at least close the gap a little bit.

• 24:52Speaker 01

  A little bit, yeah.

• 24:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  A little.

• 24:52Speaker 01

  And it's just, n- nothing, the trip's not like, oh, we went and.

• 24:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 24:57Speaker 01

  You know, I'm not reporting back on my blog, like, we took the kids on the trip and every moment was perfect. You know, it was just like, okay, I've done this enough to know where I start to, to scream. So I'm gonna do this and then, you know, I find some other, there's something else that.

• 25:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Can I tell you something? It earns you a sentence. I'm a parent who knows what I'm doing in the first couple of minutes of checking into a hotel room. No, I mean it. Like, I am. It doesn't mean I'm not gonna yell sometimes.

• 25:26Speaker 01

  Right.

• 25:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Those two things are independent sometimes, but I've thought about it. I kind of understand maybe what's going on.

• 25:32Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 25:32Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I am now a parent who does know what I'm doing when I'm going to travel. I do know.

• 25:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 25:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  How to handle a public meltdown. I do know, I'm not gonna action every time, what to do if the teacher or counselor tells me something my kid did that was bad.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 25:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Like, you've earned those moments.

• 25:51Speaker 01

  I feel like I've had a lot of practice.

• 25:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 25:55Speaker 01

  I've had a lot of practice. I was thinking of my sort of proudest moment, and because I told you about one of my worst, but my proudest is, it was like, um, the day that you meet the teacher, and my son, at what time is it? I told him the time, and I just didn't realize how many things he's clocking at all times.

• 26:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 26:14Speaker 01

  And so, we get there, I apparently told him there wouldn't be a line. I didn't think there would be a line. We get there, there's a line. We stand in the line, and there's, I mean, this is our school. These are, these are, I'm gonna be with these parents for a long time.

• 26:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Nervous.

• 26:28Speaker 01

  And he yelled at me and was like, "You said there wouldn't be a line," and he smacks me in the back of my leg.

• 26:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  And everyone's looking, and I'm like, I was sturdy because I have practiced, and I just, you know what? I said, "No, thank you. Do not do that," and we just kind of like walked on our way. But it wasn't for any, it wasn't for everyone. It's not like, "Oh, so it's okay if he hits you?" It is not okay if he hits me. It is not okay.

• 27:02Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But no big lecture, was it?

• 27:03Speaker 01

  But no. This is not the time for that. This is not the time. And I know, I know him well enough to know that now, because I wrote about this in the community, of like all the things that he expects.

• 27:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 27:17Speaker 01

  So, I lied to him because he asked me, because this was important to him, and I didn't... I just gave him an answer because, yeah, no, line, I don't know.

• 27:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah, right.

• 27:29Speaker 01

  Sure. I just gave him an answer because I, because it doesn't matter.

• 27:33Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right.

• 27:34Speaker 01

  It didn't matter to me, but it mattered to him. And I wasn't on, he didn't feel like I was honest and he was upset. It is not okay to hit me, but I don't need to handle all of this here because I, I do have some element of curiosity. And I'm like, I, in my mind, I was like, he asked me.

• 27:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 27:53Speaker 01

  And I glossed over the answer because I didn't think it mattered, but it mattered a lot to him.

• 27:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And you have such a deep understanding of your son and like you say, he's a kid who clocks everything, who thinks about everything. So there's this term in psychology, violation of expectations, right? And violation of expectations is hard at any age. It's hard for me and you too.

• 28:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right? If I wasn't here when you showed up today, like if I violated those expectations, you'd be annoyed.

• 28:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:19Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But deeply feeling kids, they're always clocking things. So they have all these expectations, especially when they're younger, to try to feel in control of their world. That we don't know. Or a simple question like, do you think there's maybe a line? You're like, I don't know, I'm like packing a water bottle, like sure, no, whatever.

• 28:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:36Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That they're trying to form their worldview of something that makes them a little nervous. And then because they have so many things they clock, they have more expectations. And then they probably have when they're younger, a few more violations.

• 28:47Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 28:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Which leads to those moments. But then what you did with all of that in that moment, and there's such a pattern here. First of all, you were so sturdy, like I heard it in your voice. It wasn't like, stop hitting me.

• 28:58Speaker 01

  No.

• 28:59Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  No. Say it again in the voice, you probably said it.

• 29:01Speaker 01

  I'm like, no, thank you.

• 29:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right.

• 29:04Speaker 01

  You do not hit me.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  And that was it. And we kind of just going to walk to the line, you know, walk.

• 29:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It.

• 29:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That was it. I find so much of my. Again, we're kind of talking about the moments you end up feeling really proud. Like, I did handle that well. I did know what to do are the hard moments.

• 29:24Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 29:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And so many of them involve doing so much less.

• 29:28Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 29:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  In the moment.

• 29:29Speaker 01

  Right.

• 29:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Because you don't have to prove every single thing about your parenting or who you are.

• 29:35Speaker 01

  Right.

• 29:36Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  To yourself, to your kid, or to

• 29:38Speaker 01

  Everyone else.

• 29:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  The audience.

• 29:38Speaker 01

  Right, right. Like, I could, you know, I would have, all the other ways, like, pulling him out of line. We're not going inside right now. I'm gonna take you back to the car. Like, all of these things. And I just remember, I mean, I wasn't expecting. When he was upset, I didn't expect for him to hit me in public in front of other people.

• 29:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah. And wait, just, can we, I just wanna bring it home with this, because you told me something before we were recording. That your son said something recently around expectation, that now, probably because of how many times you've said it to him.

• 30:09Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 30:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  He has started to say, instead of getting upset.

• 30:12Speaker 01

  He has. He, every, it's probably like 10 times a day.

• 30:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 30:17Speaker 01

  He's been saying, oh, I wasn't expecting that. You know, it's like, you'll hand him this glass of water, and he'll be like, oh, I wasn't expecting that. What, what, you asked for water? What?

• 30:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 30:27Speaker 01

  What weren't you expecting? But I just realized he has all of these expectations. And now that he's not exploding as much, he's able to say, oh, I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't expecting that. It's so, like, he'll open the pizza box. He wasn't expecting that.

• 30:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But that would have been.

• 30:46Speaker 01

  Oh, you know.

• 30:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Meltdown.

• 30:48Speaker 01

  Meltdown.

• 30:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Like the pepperoni. You can get half pepperoni.

• 30:52Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 30:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And on one piece of the plane, if they like plane.

• 30:56Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 30:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  There's a tiny piece of pepperoni. Meanwhile, you're like, it doesn't matter. Don't have that one. You can have, but your kid will have a full-blown meltdown. And it's interesting. It's such practice. We never get it perfect. But that is one of my favorite lines. Oh, you weren't expecting a line. You weren't expecting pepperoni.

• 31:11Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 31:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You weren't expecting the crunchy apple to be so crunchy. Like, we kind of have to say it a little bit, like, I can't wait to say this.

• 31:16Speaker 01

  Right.

• 31:17Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But then you have this moment where your kid shows up to school the next year.

• 31:21Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:22Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And forget, now they think there's gonna be a line, but what they don't know is that, I don't know, there's a food display, or there's music, and they're a little overwhelmed. And they look at you, instead of that meltdown the last year, and they just say, I wasn't expecting music. And I feel like in that moment.

• 31:37Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 31:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'm like. I know that that didn't happen naturally. That was years.

• 31:44Speaker 01

  Years, yes.

• 31:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Of my practice, showing up 20% of the time, 50% of the time, maybe the best it gets is 70% of the time. And then all of a sudden, it shows up in your kid.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  It's, my mind was blown because I, he said it like maybe three times within like 15 minutes. And I was like, wow, wow. Okay, you're able to handle more. You, you now have some language. I wasn't expecting that. And I don't even think I realized I had been saying it to him. Because you, I'm not saying it all the time.

• 32:15Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  No.

• 32:16Speaker 01

  But I'm saying it, I'm clearly saying it sometimes. And now he's able to just not, not explode because he's just like, like you said, I wasn't expecting the red apple to be red.

• 32:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right, exactly. And just to bring this arc, when we're willing to be curious about the things that are hard and learn how to show up in a way that is never perfect, but feels better some of the time, we end up showing up and sharing language with our kid that you then, years later, hear them say to themselves, or I have heard my deeply feeling kid say to her brother when he was upset about something happening. You weren't expecting that. That's the worst. And I, I, you know, I'm barely at a loss for words. That is something, I'm like, oh.

• 33:09Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 33:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It's just the best feeling.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  The best feeling.

• 33:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So we started with this question. Nobody really knows what they're doing. And I think we got to something really powerful. And I think we have an update to it. And I'm going to hand it to my leak to give us that update.

• 33:23Speaker 01

  Yes. The update to nobody knows what they're doing is nobody knows what they're doing all of the time. Can we tack that on the back of nobody knows what they're doing? Let's hold ourselves accountable.

• 33:36Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Love that. The other thing I'm realizing, and I want to make sure to hold myself accountable to, is I never got to finish the story here about how I showed up for my son when he lied my face about ruining our family puzzle. And so I'm going to write it up because it's a good story and I want to share it with you. And it's going to be on the Good Inside blog. So you can just go to show notes to follow the link to see that part through. Now let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground.

• 34:02Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And place a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'm excited to see you next week.

• 34:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know that feeling when your brain is at full capacity? Right? I mean, you have a reminder from the dentist in your email, a birthday party invitation on the fridge, and your kid just texted you about a soccer game they forgot to mention until that moment? And you just cannot remember one more thing? That's where Skylight Calendar comes in. It's an all-in-one digital smart calendar that syncs with Google, Apple, and Outlook to help your whole family see the days and weeks ahead. And I really love the Tasks feature, which is designed to help your kid build routines around things like homework and chores. And when your kid can do those things independently, it's a huge win for everyone in the family. Skylight Calendar is so much more than just a calendar. It's something you can add to your routine

• 35:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  to help your family work together. And right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com/becky. That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T.com/Becky for $30 off your 15-inch calendar. MySkylight.com/becky.