How to Understand Your Trauma & Relationships w/Dr. Shefali EP 1110

“True empowerment is to take all power back, including blame.”Today's guest is Dr. Shefali, who received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Columbia University. She is an expert in family dynamics and personal development. Dr. Shefali’s ground-breaking approach to mindful living and parenting has taken her books to the top of the NY Times best-sellers list. Her blend of clinical psychology and eastern mindfulness sets her apart as a leader in the field of mindfulness psychology. In this episode Lewis and Dr. Shefali discuss how to awaken yourself and break free from your past, the difference between victim consciousness and victimhood, how to get to the root of what’s causing issues in your relationships, how to re-evaluate the type of relationships you’re in and the boundaries you’re setting, and so much more! For more go to: www.lewishowes.com/1110Check out Dr. Shefali's website: www.drshefali.comRead Dr. Shefali’s new book: A Radical Awakening: Turn Pain into Power, Embrace Your Truth, Live FreeThe Power of Erotic Intelligence with Esther Perel: https://link.chtbl.com/732-podFind Lasting Love with Matthew Hussey: https://link.chtbl.com/811-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 1,110 with New York Times bestselling author Dr. Shefali. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:29Lewis Howes?

  Veronica Roth said, "Change like healing takes time." And Leonard Cohen said, "There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." My guest today is Dr. Shefali, who received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Columbia University. She is an expert in family dynamics and personal development. Dr. Shefali's groundbreaking approach to mindful living and parenting has taken her books to the top of the New York Times Bestseller List, featured on Oprah and so many other major platforms. Her blend of clinical psychology and eastern mindfulness sets her apart as a leader in the field of mindfulness psychology. She's written a new book called A Radical Awakening: Turn Pain Into Power, Embrace Your Truth, Live Free. And in this episode,

• 1:13Lewis Howes?

  we discuss how to awaken yourself and break free from your past, the difference between victim consciousness and victimhood, which was mind blowing, why hitting rock bottom can be a good thing, how to get to the root of what's causing issues in your relationships, how to reevaluate the type of relationships you're in and the boundaries you're setting, and so much more. I'm such a big fan of Dr. Shefali. But before the episode starts, I want to give a quick trigger warning that we do discuss different forms of sexual abuse and healing from those experiences. But if you're inspired, please share this with someone that you think would be inspired as well. And a quick reminder, subscribe to the School of Greatness, as well as let us know the part you enjoyed the most about this over on Apple Podcasts in the review section over there.

• 1:57Lewis Howes?

  Okay, in just a moment, the one and only Dr. Shefali.

• 2:03Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. I'm very excited about our guest. Dr. Shefali is in the house. Good to see you.

• 2:10Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 2:10Lewis Howes?

  You're like my spiritual sister.

• 2:13Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 2:13Lewis Howes?

  And every time, even though we've only spent a few times together, every time I'm around you, I just feel like I understand you, at least to a certain degree, and I understand the mission you're up to and the work you're up to. So I appreciate you as a sisterly individual in my life. And you've got a new book called A Radical Awakening: Turn Power Into Pain, Embrace Your Truth, and Live Free. It's all about how to break free of a lot of things that have been holding women back specifically in their lives: marriage, relationships, sex, monogamy, even their last name. And I'm curious, why do you think so many women play the victim in their relationships in general?

• 2:52Speaker 01

  Whoa, okay.

• 2:54Lewis Howes?

  Because you mentioned beforehand that women play a lot of victimhood in certain areas. Not everything, but certain areas. What does that look like in relationships?

• 3:04Speaker 01

  Well, let's just back up a little bit and understand that women have had a really raw deal.

• 3:11Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 3:12Speaker 01

  In this toxic patriarchy.

• 3:14Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  Okay, I grew up, and I told you on my last interview with you, I was molested up the wazoo by the time I was 11 and had to really learn how to protect myself, defend against predators lurking behind every corner. So as a woman, it's been really difficult for me, and I know every sister out there has had to deal with the toxic patriarchy.

• 3:37Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  We've been trained to be quiet, trained to muzzle our true self, trained to play small, back of the line, after everybody's served on the table, trained to allow violation of space and mind. So.

• 3:53Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 3:54Speaker 01

  So we have to understand that if we want to awaken now, we have to first name the toxicity for what it is. So we have to name what's happened to us. But then the radical awakening, which is what my book is about, is own how we now do it to ourselves.

• 4:13Lewis Howes?

  Okay, so name the toxicities, does that mean like naming the the abuse, the shame, the guilt, the insecurity, the fear?

• 4:20Speaker 01

  Yes, the objectification, the oppression that the culture has given us a really hard time and has really put us in a weak position. And call it, you know, so the women in the Me Too movement took a long time to come out because culture told them they have to be the good ones, they have to be quiet, don't ruffle feathers, don't rock the boat. Culture has subjugated us with these messages and we have bought into them.

• 4:48Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  So the first step is to recognize the cultural BS.

• 4:52Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  And that we are living in a toxic matrix and we have to redefine everything we've been conditioned to believe.

• 5:00Lewis Howes?

  Like what? Which main things?

• 5:02Speaker 01

  The lies about beauty, the lies about being youthful, the lies about wanting to be in a relationship where we believe we should be owned and possessed. The lies around motherhood, the lies around love, you know? I talk about all these lies in the book. So one by one, I systematically deconstruct and debunk these lies that have actually enslaved us. So that's step number one, is to recognize you've been living in a cultural matrix that has lied to you. Step number two, when you radically awaken though?

• 5:33Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 5:34Speaker 01

  Is when you take ownership for how you are part of that co-creation.

• 5:37Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  So when you talk about victimhood, we are victims. However, being and living in victim consciousness is where we get stuck.

• 5:47Lewis Howes?

  So victim consciousness versus victimhood, what is that?

• 5:50Speaker 01

  Well, if I'm raped tomorrow, I'm a victim of rape.

• 5:54Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 5:55Speaker 01

  If the man I'm with, if I happen to be with a man and he physically abuses me, that is called physical abuse. We should not be afraid to muddy the waters. Abuse is abuse.

• 6:05Lewis Howes?

  Call it what it is.

• 6:06Speaker 01

  Call it, I've been a victim.

• 6:07Lewis Howes?

  Don't hide from it, don't not talk about it, be silent, speak up.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, if you've been a victim, speak up. Empower your children to say, I've been a victim. That's very different than living and being in victim consciousness.

• 6:22Lewis Howes?

  What does that mean?

• 6:23Speaker 01

  Victim consciousness is when you hold on to the perpetration and you now perpetrate yourself and you keep the power with the other person.

• 6:32Lewis Howes?

  So not forgiving? Not forgiving yourself or the situation or not saying it's okay what happened, but not allowing yourself to move on.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  Not healing and not moving on.

• 6:42Lewis Howes?

  Got it.

• 6:43Speaker 01

  Blaming the one who took your power away. And we don't realize when we blame the other, we give them our power even more.

• 6:50Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 6:51Speaker 01

  Right, we stay tethered to them. True empowerment is to take all power back, including blame.

• 6:58Lewis Howes?

  So how does, when something horrific happens to a woman?

• 7:03Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 7:05Lewis Howes?

  And they've got to go through a, I mean, man or woman, and they've got to go through a process of healing. Some of these things might take a while to heal though.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 7:12Lewis Howes?

  Might take years, right?

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Decades.

• 7:14Lewis Howes?

  Decades, if something really tragic happens.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  In your childhood.

• 7:17Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:18Lewis Howes?

  So how does someone not shame themselves for, for taking a longer time to let go and deal with the process that it takes for them? The grieving process, the pain process?

• 7:28Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 7:29Lewis Howes?

  What?

• 7:29Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:29Lewis Howes?

  What is a timeline that we should be thinking of on how we could reclaim that power?

• 7:34Speaker 01

  Well, you know, Lewis, all my work is unconscious parenting for a reason. Because the pain and trauma inflicted by our parents or those early years takes a lifetime. That's what I do for a living, is I help people uncover how they're replaying the same patterns of the trauma bonds from childhood. This is our whole life, is to recover from the trauma.

• 7:58Lewis Howes?

  What was the main trauma for you that you still work through?

• 8:02Speaker 01

  The, the main trauma, and which I write about in the book, was a pervading sense of unworthiness, which came from growing up in a very patriarchal culture.

• 8:13Lewis Howes?

  You never felt unworth, you never felt worthy?

• 8:15Speaker 01

  I never felt good enough. I was always looking for validation from the men in my life or my achievement or my title, my role. I'll be the best mother, I'll be the best wife. It was only in my mid 40s when my kid-

• 8:29Lewis Howes?

  Like two years ago?

• 8:30Speaker 01

  Just two years.

• 8:31Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 8:32Speaker 01

  When my kid really grew up, that I began to look at myself. Because I'd finished checking off like half the list.

• 8:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, went to the great school, got the, the doctorate, wrote the books, New York Times, Oprah, all these things.

• 8:46Speaker 01

  Kid is grown up.

• 8:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 8:47Speaker 01

  Now who am I? And I realized that I had been living a false self because the bedrock was unworthiness and I didn't even know it.

• 8:57Lewis Howes?

  Until recently?

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Until recently.

• 8:59Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 8:59Speaker 01

  Until I had a huge epiphany, yes. Yeah.

• 9:02Lewis Howes?

  So who are you?

• 9:04Speaker 01

  So now I'm evolving and that's why to your question, there is no timeline. It's a process. You will be asleep till you wake up. And you often don't know you're asleep till you have some traumatic moment. Till you have some epiphany. You know, so I was on this spiritual path, growing. And then one day I grew out of my marriage. And that's when, that was my moment of trauma.

• 9:29Lewis Howes?

  And you were in the marriage.

• 9:30Speaker 01

  I was fine.

• 9:31Lewis Howes?

  And you grew out, you're like, this is no longer for me.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  Yes, and then everything looked unfamiliar. And I was so identified with that marriage. I was so identified with that idea of family. But I was no longer that person who entered the marriage. And I had no intention of leaving for years, twenty-five years. So it was traumatic for me, why? Not just because it was an interpersonal dynamic, but because culture has put so much pressure on us women to be nice. And don't make anyone upset. And don't end the marriage. You know, don't break up.

• 10:06Lewis Howes?

  Work through it.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  Work, sacrifice.

• 10:08Lewis Howes?

  Well, isn't there a part of working through challenges and not, you know, it's like, okay, when there's a challenge, it doesn't mean you should end the relationship.

• 10:15Speaker 01

  No, it doesn't. I took me another two years after my epiphany to really decide.

• 10:20Lewis Howes?

  To work through it and figure it out, yeah.

• 10:21Speaker 01

  I stayed, I worked through it. You, you must, because it's not the other person. It's what's coming up for you. And until you heal those wounds, you'll carry the same baggage to the next relationship.

• 10:33Lewis Howes?

  What was the thing that came up for you?

• 10:35Speaker 01

  For me, it was that I was the epitome of the self sacrificial good girl. And I was here to save other people. So after twenty-five years of playing this role, I burnt out. And I had evolved enough to understand my pattern that I am doing this because I'm so scared to be out of the relationship. I had become enmeshed and codependent in the relationship. So it was all me. The other person was just playing the role I put them to play.

• 11:04Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  You know, you make sure you're really X, Y, Z so that I can feel the same way I've felt all my life. You know, we recruit people so that we can play the same emotional role we've played in childhood.

• 11:17Lewis Howes?

  Until what, until when?

• 11:18Speaker 01

  Until we do all this inner work to evolve. So when I did all this work and it kind of collided with the marriage, now is the next confrontation of now what do you do? Right? I always say in my courses, you know, all your relationships may break up. Because now you're a new you. Now is another path of a dark tunnel. Now you have to go through no, no woman's land as you redefine who you are, right? Now you're a whole new being. So you discard old relationships that don't work for you. You release with compassion those that are loving and kind. But you begin to redefine who you are. But people shouldn't be afraid of this. This is a natural process of evolution of the soul. We must evolve.

• 12:03Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 12:03Speaker 01

  But culture has told us to stay scared, to stay stagnant. Keep appearances up. Keep your relationship for longevity, not for growth. You know, marriage follows a longevity model, right?

• 12:17Lewis Howes?

  You're only successful if you're together for decades.

• 12:20Speaker 01

  Forever. Doesn't mind if you sleep in different parts of the house. One is in the basement, one's on the bedroom. Doesn't matter. The goal is you stay to, it's a longevity-based model, not a growth-based model. So I too was ready to do this for the rest of my life.

• 12:38Lewis Howes?

  You were married for how long?

• 12:38Speaker 01

  Twenty, I was with the same person for twenty-five years. I don't really believe in marriage, so we can talk about that too.

• 12:44Lewis Howes?

  Gotcha.

• 12:45Speaker 01

  But I, I was with the same person. So for me, it was, it's not easy to just leave. But I, we both needed to grow. And once we can decide as a couple that this is not working for our growth, we could release each other. Some do it more beautifully, some don't, right? But we don't wait for permission. We have to follow our own North Star of growth and do what feels right for us after working through the process.

• 13:14Lewis Howes?

  So what's it look like to own how you are part of it? So that you don't stay in victim, stay victim consciousness?

• 13:20Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 13:21Lewis Howes?

  What does that look like?

• 13:22Speaker 01

  So the most important spiritual lesson I try to pass on to all my clients and all women is, you are. Definitely a victim of the patriarchy, we never forget that. But within the patriarchy, you are now a victim of your own oppression. Victim consciousness is where you keep the consciousness of the oppressor, but make it your own. So now you objectify yourself.

• 13:48Lewis Howes?

  So give me an example, what's that look like for someone today?

• 13:52Speaker 01

  Oh my goodness, across the board. So if you just take our mental attitude, the culture has told us to be quiet, be kind, be sweet, be polite, and don't be powerful or real. So now, if a man molests us, and it's a public space, that's why people in the Me Too movement has such a hard time coming out, because the culture has told us, so now we do it to ourselves. Don't say anything, pretend it didn't occur, deny it. Oh, if our child, you know how many clients, women I have, whose children are being abused, but they turn the other cheek because they can't disrupt the family system? So this is how we do it to our children now, we do it to ourselves. Okay, take another aspect of our physical looks.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  You know, we look in the mirror, and we see now all the faults that we believe culture has told us we should not have. So we objectify ourselves. You know, no one is a greater invictus.

• 14:50Lewis Howes?

  Critic than ourselves, yeah.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  Critic than ourselves. And for women and beauty, because we've been so objectified, we do it to ourselves. It's a daily onslaught. So we've taken what culture has done, and we've made it our own.

• 15:02Lewis Howes?

  So how do we, how do we begin to recognize? Because I think for years, I didn't even recognize that I had traumas of the past. It's like I put them away, I didn't want to think about them, and I just focused on like accomplishing and achieving and being significant and being seen because I didn't feel seen as a kid. So how do we start to identify the traumas of the past so that we can actually start to heal them?

• 15:26Speaker 01

  Yep. So there's two pathways. One is voluntarily or involuntarily.

• 15:31Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  So no, very few people do it voluntarily, you know?

• 15:34Lewis Howes?

  We're just like, what am I going to think about today?

• 15:36Speaker 01

  Let me improve my life and let me undo my patterns, right? So I went on a spiritual quest when I was 21, very unusual, right? I was so fascinated by self-work that I knew that was my path. So I entered it without trauma necessarily. So the involuntary way is how most people enter.

• 15:56Lewis Howes?

  An event occurs that's traumatic and this doesn't work, I'm going to break down.

• 16:00Speaker 01

  They hit rock bottom.

• 16:01Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  So you have to really hit rock bottom.

• 16:04Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 16:04Speaker 01

  So what does that mean? And as a therapist, I want rock bottom for my client?

• 16:08Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 16:09Speaker 01

  Why?

• 16:09Lewis Howes?

  That's the only way to go the next step.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 16:12Lewis Howes?

  If things are 80% good, that's the worst place to be.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  That's the worst place.

• 16:15Lewis Howes?

  The worst place.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  Eighty percent?

• 16:17Lewis Howes?

  Is like, things are good right now, they're okay.

• 16:20Speaker 01

  Right.

• 16:20Lewis Howes?

  That's the worst because you can't get out of that.

• 16:21Speaker 01

  You're complacent, yeah.

• 16:23Lewis Howes?

  It's so hard to get out of that unless you're...

• 16:25Speaker 01

  It's not amazing, but it's not terrible.

• 16:27Lewis Howes?

  I'd rather be, everything falling apart because then at least I'm like, okay, uh, this keeps happening, I need to like figure out a new way to be.

• 16:35Speaker 01

  Right, right. So what you're saying by that is that when we say rock bottom, what is really hitting rock bottom is our ego, our false self.

• 16:42Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 16:43Speaker 01

  All the ways we were pretending don't work anymore. What a beautiful gift that is. That's why I call it the gift of the rock bottom. Because when you get to that place, most people freak out. But therapists are like, come to me, come to me.

• 16:56Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 16:57Speaker 01

  Because this is your portal, because you're finally without your defenses. The athlete doesn't work anymore. The comedian doesn't work anymore. Charmer doesn't work anymore.

• 17:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 17:06Speaker 01

  Pretty girl doesn't work. Nothing's working. How amazing. Now you get to go deep to figure out who you are without those roles or labels.

• 17:14Lewis Howes?

  And a lot of people try to cling on to them as long as they can.

• 17:17Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, because they're so scared.

• 17:19Lewis Howes?

  Scary.

• 17:20Speaker 01

  Scary.

• 17:21Lewis Howes?

  So what about the voluntarily? It's hard to get there, right?

• 17:25Speaker 01

  Voluntarily.

• 17:27Lewis Howes?

  It's hard to be like.

• 17:28Speaker 01

  Somebody who.

• 17:29Lewis Howes?

  Let me improve myself today.

• 17:30Speaker 01

  Existential philosophers, you know, I was like that kind of kid, like I was always seeking. So I went for Vipassana meditation when I was 21. Because I wanted to find out another meaning to this madness. I was like, I knew this was mad. And I was, this can't be all of it. I needed to go on a discovery of myself. So I put myself in that position. But it's not typical.

• 17:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  You know why? Because we're in a rat race. You know, we're on this conveyor belt, just chugging along.

• 18:00Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 18:01Speaker 01

  Checking off the prescription list. Our parents have brainwashed us, culture has brainwashed us. We're so scared to get off the conveyor belt, you know? We're like, let me just stay on.

• 18:11Lewis Howes?

  Well, because we're gonna upset our parents, our family, our peers, or whatever.

• 18:15Speaker 01

  You know, everybody, the most daunting, uh, practical thing that happened to me when I got married, when I was getting divorced was, how am I going to tell people? You know? And then I realized, is that my problem? Like other people? And I realized, yes, other people is our problem. Because we're so tethered to what other people think, other people's opinions. And I realized, I don't owe anybody, any information about my journey until it happens organically. So I really told people, only when it happened organically. And people got upset by that because they thought they were entitled. And I, I had to let them know, this is something very deep and personal.

• 18:59Lewis Howes?

  This is my life, not your life.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  You can't have an opinion about this, you know? Like people are upset, they're crying. I'm like, you need to deal with your projections onto me. Because the projections are enormous.

• 19:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, they are.

• 19:14Speaker 01

  They are, for everything. If you're famous, people project onto you. If you're, you look a certain way, they project onto you.

• 19:19Lewis Howes?

  If you're broke, if you're rich, yeah, everything.

• 19:21Speaker 01

  It's like constant. Once you realize that, oh, people are not even noticing you, they're just projecting, that's a huge turning point in the spiritual process. Oh, they're just projecting.

• 19:31Lewis Howes?

  So once the ego has hit rock bottom. How should we start to evaluate our traumas, our pains, so that we can move forward? So we can heal them and move forward?

• 19:40Speaker 01

  Oh, once the ego hits rock bottom, it's the most amazing place to start. It's ground zero.

• 19:47Lewis Howes?

  When was the last time for you?

• 19:49Speaker 01

  Oh my God, two years ago.

• 19:50Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 19:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:50Lewis Howes?

  You hit rock bottom.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  Oh, I hit.

• 19:52Lewis Howes?

  But you were already awakened, I thought.

• 19:53Speaker 01

  I know, but you go through many.

• 19:55Lewis Howes?

  You were teaching people these things.

• 19:56Speaker 01

  You go through many levels.

• 19:59Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, so there's, so there'll be another level in 10 years?

• 20:02Speaker 01

  It could be, how lovely.

• 20:03Lewis Howes?

  Why do we gotta go through so much pain?

• 20:05Speaker 01

  No, it's not pain, it's unfolding.

• 20:07Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 20:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's so, I loved what I went through. I honor and cherish all the pain because I needed to break down. See, we look at pain in a very absurd way in this culture. We're so painphobic. As a therapist, or as a healer, or seeker, pain to me is the most open place. Pain is openness.

• 20:29Lewis Howes?

  Isn't that what Rumi said, like, "Light is where the wound enters," or something? What did he say?

• 20:34Speaker 01

  There you go, I don't remember.

• 20:35Lewis Howes?

  Something like that, like the light is where the...

• 20:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:38Lewis Howes?

  Something, the wound is where the light enters, or something, yeah, exactly. But I think it's true, once you go into the darkness, then that's where you can shine the light and start to reveal things and peel back the onion.

• 20:48Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 20:48Lewis Howes?

  It's interesting, a few weeks ago, I had a big realization in my life, massive, that might have been groundbreaking for me. Because I'm 38, for probably 38 years, I have been conditioned to people-please in every area of my life. Originally with family, then with friends, but most specifically in intimate relationships. Every intimate relationship, for some reason, I have allowed myself to let my boundaries be crossed to make someone happier. Or when there's frustration or disappointment with me, whether I do something or I don't do something, I give in to create peace. It's something that I realized I used to do as a kid, with parents and...

• 21:33Speaker 01

  You were the mediator, the sweet boy.

• 21:35Lewis Howes?

  Exactly, the one that tried to make things light and easy. And I stopped doing it over the years in friendships and family. But I wasn't able to, for whatever reason, until a few weeks ago, going through some, some coaching and therapy, and something awakened in me that I was just like, I've been afraid to upset people my entire life.

• 21:56Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 21:57Lewis Howes?

  And every time I do something to make someone else happier, but then I disappoint myself, I betrayed myself, and I'm out of integrity.

• 22:05Speaker 01

  Very good.

• 22:05Lewis Howes?

  And I feel, and I always, I feel a sense of like tenseness and tightness in the chest and the throat, whenever that happens. And I resent myself more, I don't resent them, I resent myself.

• 22:15Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 22:16Lewis Howes?

  Because I give in. Something happened, and you maybe understand this because of the work you do, something happened where I had this tightness in my chest, and I was feeling this on and off for years. Not because of someone else doing something, because of me. And all of a sudden, it was like a ball of pain that went, all I can say is that like went together and it kind of like disintegrated. And I haven't felt that pain in my chest since that moment, since that, I don't know if that was a, a layer peeling back of awareness, but I felt like I was just like, I'm sick and tired of feeling this pain.

• 22:47Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 22:48Lewis Howes?

  And I think a lot of us have been feeling this low level or high level of frustration or pain or something inside of us.

• 22:54Speaker 01

  We've suppressed it.

• 22:55Lewis Howes?

  We've suppressed it.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 22:56Lewis Howes?

  And I was not willing to let it go until recently. And it's the most freeing feeling.

• 23:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:03Lewis Howes?

  Freeing. And what you talk about in your book is like just being your truth.

• 23:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:07Lewis Howes?

  Allowing yourself to feel free, which I feel like a lot of us, men and women, all humans, don't allow ourselves to feel free.

• 23:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you see, you couldn't have predicted that.

• 23:15Lewis Howes?

  I didn't know.

• 23:16Speaker 01

  You didn't even know it was coming.

• 23:17Lewis Howes?

  I didn't even know.

• 23:18Speaker 01

  That's why, when you said, how many times am I going to go through this? It's a constant unpeeling. Watch when you become a dad, if you ever become a dad.

• 23:26Lewis Howes?

  It's gonna be crazy, right?

• 23:27Speaker 01

  You haven't even begun unpeeling.

• 23:29Lewis Howes?

  Oh my gosh.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  The ego and the trauma.

• 23:31Lewis Howes?

  What was the biggest awakening when you were, the first two years of being a mom?

• 23:34Speaker 01

  Oh, that, the birth of this whole conscious parenting. When I saw how unconscious my ego was to have significance through this infant. I was like, look at me, don't look at him. Look, I was like, talking, you know, you have a crazy talk that you've become aware of when you become a parent.

• 23:51Lewis Howes?

  What was your talk?

• 23:52Speaker 01

  Judgmental of my infant.

• 23:54Lewis Howes?

  Judgmental of your baby?

• 23:55Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 23:55Lewis Howes?

  It's like a one, two year old?

• 23:56Speaker 01

  Yes, that don't make me feel so bad, okay?

• 23:58Lewis Howes?

  I'm trying to understand.

• 23:59Speaker 01

  I'm just saying that when you become a parent.

• 24:01Lewis Howes?

  You're like, don't cry too much, why are you?

• 24:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, like, oh my god, something wrong with the kid, something's wrong with the kid. Oh, the kid doesn't look like me, looks like my mother-in-law. Oh, the kid is acting like this, oh, kid is not Indian enough, kid is the other person's culture, you know? This is in the mind, I'm not telling my kid.

• 24:16Lewis Howes?

  Right. Right, right, you're saying this to yourself.

• 24:18Speaker 01

  You begin to become aware, if you're aware, at your crazy talk.

• 24:23Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 24:24Speaker 01

  And you begin to get alarmed, so when I heard these inner voices of judgment and control toward this being who I supposedly unconditionally loved, that's when I realized, oh, that is the voice of my ego, my fear, my control coming out, and I want to micromanage this being into a puppet. When I, but I was aware of that. And it was traumatic for me to see the shadow within me.

• 24:51Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 24:51Speaker 01

  But that's what birthed my whole work in conscious parenting, when I saw my own unconsciousness.

• 24:57Lewis Howes?

  What's the thing you're most proud of and least proud of as a parent?

• 25:02Speaker 01

  I'm least proud of those moments where I'm unable to trust my child.

• 25:10Lewis Howes?

  Do all parents, I mean, it's probably all parents don't trust their child, right? Because they make stupid mistakes. I used to do the dumbest things I can, I mean, you, you hope that you can trust them, but it's like.

• 25:21Speaker 01

  But, but we have to understand.

• 25:22Lewis Howes?

  They gotta make their own mistakes too, right?

• 25:24Speaker 01

  But the reason you are you is because of all those mistakes.

• 25:27Lewis Howes?

  A lot of mistakes.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  Right, but you can't pre- prevent or, you know, preempt mistakes.

• 25:31Lewis Howes?

  What happens if you prevent them? Or, or suppress them too much from figuring it out?

• 25:36Speaker 01

  You're projecting utmost fear and terror into your child, your kid is gonna stop living. So every time I put my fear by not trusting, I curtail her. Now, it doesn't mean I let her smoke marijuana at the age of seven.

• 25:50Lewis Howes?

  Right, and drinking back all night.

• 25:53Speaker 01

  I trust you.

• 25:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, drink all you want to eat, yeah.

• 25:56Speaker 01

  This is about how I can see when I project my own terror. So whenever I've done that, I have not been proud. And what am I the proudest of is that I've truly understood that it's all about me and I've done my work. Every time I see her react toward me in a way that upsets me, I know it's something within me. So I'm able to turn that mirror inward. And that's my one achievement in parenthood is I can look at my crazy now, you know? So much crazy.

• 26:28Lewis Howes?

  So when your child screams at you or gets angry at you in the past about something, were you able to just look at it from a different perspective and not allow your ego to be attached? And say, no, you're wrong and be in the argument? Is that what you're saying? You could just kind of detach?

• 26:43Speaker 01

  Well, it's taken work, you know? I'm very old and many years ahead of you. Yeah, a lot of work to understand two things. One, the child is acting the way they are because of something in them, right? So they're not doing anything against you as a personal vendetta. It's not a personal attack. It's something inside them, right? We only act badly because we feel bad.

• 27:08Lewis Howes?

  Is this in relationships also, intimate relationships? That the other person yelling or screaming or getting angry or blaming? It's not about the other person, it's about them?

• 27:16Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 27:17Lewis Howes?

  When they're getting angry?

• 27:18Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 27:19Lewis Howes?

  So how should people who are in intimate relationships respond? When the other person is yelling or blaming or getting angry at you?

• 27:27Speaker 01

  At first, you're going to respond in the typical way, which is fight back.

• 27:30Lewis Howes?

  Defensiveness, angry, you did that, no, I did, yeah.

• 27:33Speaker 01

  But when you begin to see that this is the dance, at some point, somebody has to stop the pattern and go, oh, we have been here before.

• 27:40Lewis Howes?

  This game doesn't work.

• 27:41Speaker 01

  It's a dance. Somebody has to break the pattern. Somebody has to misstep, not show up in the room. Turn away.

• 27:48Lewis Howes?

  And what happens when that happens?

• 27:49Speaker 01

  Then the other one has to fall, right? Because they have to dance alone.

• 27:53Lewis Howes?

  Well, they're trying to grab on to more.

• 27:55Speaker 01

  Grab on to you, right? So it's a dance. But the most beautiful gift we can give our partners is to say, I see that you're hurting. I know you want to make it about me, but I can't play this game right now.

• 28:06Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 28:07Speaker 01

  It's really hard.

• 28:08Lewis Howes?

  Oh, that's a.

• 28:09Speaker 01

  But it's to, but you grow up, you, you grow up and you don't be part of somebody else's drama. And they have to grow up.

• 28:17Lewis Howes?

  What happens if the partner doesn't grow up over time of working through it?

• 28:21Speaker 01

  It's really hard. Then you come to a tough precipice of, okay, can I keep growing with this person? Or do we just stay here? It's, it's a lot of questions.

• 28:31Lewis Howes?

  Do I stay in the game or the dance with the person where they want to be?

• 28:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:35Lewis Howes?

  Do I see if they're.

• 28:36Speaker 01

  No, we can't play the game anymore. So say the person has decided, I can't do this game.

• 28:40Lewis Howes?

  Then what?

• 28:40Speaker 01

  I'm waiting for them to heal. Now, you're saying.

• 28:43Lewis Howes?

  What if it takes five, 10 years?

• 28:44Speaker 01

  What if it takes 20 years, right? Incremental. Now you have to make a very tough choice. It's hard. And you know how hard it is for women and mothers to make those kind of choices?

• 28:54Lewis Howes?

  Very hard.

• 28:54Speaker 01

  With children, with all the pressure that culture has told them that you don't get to walk out ever.

• 28:59Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  Women have to be the glue. But if their partner isn't growing, what are they supposed to do? And that's why the way we live right now in these nuclear little pods is so unhealthy for our women. Because they can't get out of these relationships.

• 29:14Lewis Howes?

  What do you mean, nuclear little pods?

• 29:16Speaker 01

  Like we're living in nuclear families, right? We're not living on a commune and a community.

• 29:21Lewis Howes?

  Bigger families, small, isolated families.

• 29:23Speaker 01

  Isolated. So if the male is abusive or toxic and is holding the money, what does this mother do? She's been conditioned to be quiet, to be submissive. Now she's given up the money. Now she, now she's raising children. That's why women and mothers need other women.

• 29:41Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 29:41Speaker 01

  To support them in a toxic patriarchy that we're living in right now.

• 29:45Lewis Howes?

  Sure, sure.

• 29:47Speaker 01

  And, and men can fulfill that job too of providing support. I'm just saying, we, our women are getting neglected, especially the mother. She wants to be a businesswoman. She wants to look skinny and amazing. She wants to.

• 29:59Lewis Howes?

  A lot of pressure, isn't it?

• 30:00Speaker 01

  A lot of pressure the modern woman has, and she's nuclear.

• 30:03Lewis Howes?

  Are they putting it on themselves?

• 30:04Speaker 01

  Now we're putting it on ourselves.

• 30:05Lewis Howes?

  Or are they? Allowing others to put it on them.

• 30:09Speaker 01

  It's both. It's both. It's a semi-permeable membrane.

• 30:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, interesting.

• 30:12Speaker 01

  So it goes in and out, you know, and we put it on our daughters. They see us.

• 30:16Lewis Howes?

  You gotta look perfect. You gotta do this. You gotta be.

• 30:18Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, we are really driving ourselves to the end of our role, we women, in the expectation to be perfect. Men don't have it so much. Men have the expectation to be competent and achieving. Women have it with this internalized oppression to be perfect.

• 30:36Lewis Howes?

  That sounds exhausting.

• 30:38Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm. Yeah, men can't even really relate to how exhausting. It is to battle this conditioning.

• 30:44Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 30:45Speaker 01

  You know, we get it from when we're like knee-high.

• 30:50Lewis Howes?

  I mean, men have their own conditioning, which is, we talked about this from.

• 30:53Speaker 01

  But you have an advantage because you're in the patriarchy. So the patriarchy favors the man.

• 30:58Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 30:59Speaker 01

  And favors the white man. It's a white-fied patriarchy. So whether we like it or not, the men are a little, a few inches ahead, you know?

• 31:06Lewis Howes?

  More of an advantage.

• 31:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's like, come on. So.

• 31:09Lewis Howes?

  We all have to deal with our emotional demons.

• 31:12Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 31:12Lewis Howes?

  I don't care what advantage.

• 31:14Speaker 01

  So there are two levels, right? So there's culture.

• 31:16Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 31:16Speaker 01

  So in the culture, men have an advantage, the white man especially. In the personal family, we're all messed up the same way.

• 31:24Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 31:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:25Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 31:26Speaker 01

  Because the same patriarchy comes into the home.

• 31:28Lewis Howes?

  Right. But also, no matter how much money or success a man has, if they are, they have a demon inside, they still have to learn how to deal with that.

• 31:37Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 31:37Lewis Howes?

  So you could be a prisoner to these traumas or expectations you might have.

• 31:42Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 31:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it doesn't mean you don't have advantages in life and could be further.

• 31:47Speaker 01

  But you're still dealing with the same demons.

• 31:49Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 31:49Speaker 01

  In the home, that's why I do the work in conscious parenting. In the home, we're all inheriting unconscious shame, blame, unworthiness. All of us. Now, when the boy steps out, he's in an advantaged position. The girl is not in an advantaged position. She's getting double whammied, you know?

• 32:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. So what can women do to not be, to not be double whammied? Or when they're getting double whammied, what should they be thinking and doing instead?

• 32:17Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, it's two levels. One is, like I said to you, you have to name it. You have to be able to call the lies. Like, we need to teach our daughters, this is a lie. This is a lie, and this is a lie. And we need to, as women, debunk and tear up this prescription list that we were raised with. To be this way, and perfect, and skinny, and white, and whatever we were raised with. We need to change the prescription list. And teach our daughters to call the lie. And then the second way is to give them a legacy of worth. But that can only come when they see us.

• 32:52Lewis Howes?

  We're feeling it, right?

• 32:55Speaker 01

  Yeah. The mother is the key.

• 32:58Lewis Howes?

  How do mothers start to feel worthy again?

• 33:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:01Lewis Howes?

  When they haven't for so long, potentially? Or they've made everything else about everyone else, except for themselves?

• 33:06Speaker 01

  Yeah. So, you know, and the movement is incipient, but it is growing.

• 33:12Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 33:12Speaker 01

  To allow women to have their voice. So I think there's several layers. One, one big level is that we sisters, we women, need to stop competing against each other for the attention of, say, a man. Like, we need to bond, we need to be with each other.

• 33:27Lewis Howes?

  Why does that happen so much?

• 33:29Speaker 01

  Do you notice that?

• 33:30Lewis Howes?

  Why do women do that?

• 33:31Speaker 01

  Do you see that?

• 33:31Lewis Howes?

  I think men do that as well, for a woman. But why is that?

• 33:36Speaker 01

  I know.

• 33:37Lewis Howes?

  What's the underlying, like, to feel good enough, worthy enough? If he chooses me, then I'm worthy enough?

• 33:43Speaker 01

  But we're giving into the patriarchy when we do that.

• 33:46Lewis Howes?

  But what happens if we convince someone to choose us? What happens if we play the game, or whatever, compete against someone else, and convince a man to choose, I'm acting like I'm a woman here, but I'm convincing a man to choose them? As opposed to them seeing you who, for you are?

• 34:04Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 34:05Lewis Howes?

  And choosing you because they, for your energy? Not because of your playing game?

• 34:10Speaker 01

  That's what I mean. We play right into the patriarchy that we then say oppresses us, right? So we're trying to out-beauty each other, for example.

• 34:18Lewis Howes?

  It's exhausting.

• 34:19Speaker 01

  And it's, we're, we're just enslaving each other in the same, you know, clutches.

• 34:25Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 34:26Speaker 01

  And we don't realize we're doing it to each other. You know, we should all go, you know, with our saggy faces and saggy bottoms, out into the world and not give a damn. And in that way, we sisters support each other and we teach men, this is how we really look and deal with it, right? But we can't because she's got the botox and she's got the really big, nice, curvy ass. And I look too ordinary, so now I'm feeling unworthy. So at the bottom of it all is unworthiness. But we need to stop competing with each other. We need to celebrate each other. We need to stop putting on the false roles when we're with each other. And let me tell you, women are constantly.

• 35:04Lewis Howes?

  Really? When you're together, when women are together in general, you're, there's false roles happening?

• 35:09Speaker 01

  A lot of false roles.

• 35:10Lewis Howes?

  There's fake, there's fake support?

• 35:12Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 35:13Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 35:13Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 35:14Lewis Howes?

  Gosh, why?

• 35:15Speaker 01

  Because we're unworthy. We feel, we feel like we have to compete with the other. So you made 12 cookies? Okay.

• 35:23Lewis Howes?

  I made 20 cookies.

• 35:24Speaker 01

  I made 37. In these very subtle ways, you know, we're always trying to out mother the other.

• 35:31Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 35:32Speaker 01

  Yes. What do you think all these Facebook posts are about? Look at my kid eating spinach and look at my kid as the star of the baseball team. Or posting where your kid goes to college. And I know I'm saying things that people are not gonna like. But I want people to examine when they post, why are we posting our life? Because we want to give an impression that we have a better life, right?

• 35:54Lewis Howes?

  What if it was just like, I'm proud of my child and I'm proud of this?

• 35:57Speaker 01

  Sure, there's an element of just, but even pride, it's like, does the whole world need to know how proud you are? Isn't grandma enough? Grandma used to be enough, but now the whole world needs to know? You know what I mean? It's coming.

• 36:09Lewis Howes?

  I heard you say it, yeah.

• 36:09Speaker 01

  The, the social media madness feeds the insecurities. That's one thing.

• 36:14Lewis Howes?

  Because you get acknowledged by, oh, what a good mother or father.

• 36:16Speaker 01

  But you also get more dependent on it. Now you're checking to see how many people liked your post, liked your new hairstyle. So this is how we continue the oppression.

• 36:26Lewis Howes?

  Right, we feed into it. So we need to own how we're a part of it.

• 36:29Speaker 01

  Yes, and the second way and the ultimate way to liberate ourselves is what you and I have been talking about is looking at our childhood trauma and how it has clutched us in unworthiness and the roles we've played because of it. So in my book, I talk about the three main roles that women play.

• 36:48Lewis Howes?

  What are those?

• 36:48Speaker 01

  The givers, the controllers, and the takers. So the givers are, you would fall in the giver, the people pleaser, the savior, the victim, the martyr, the empath.

• 36:59Lewis Howes?

  That's me.

• 37:00Speaker 01

  Then you have the controller, who's the overachiever, the perfectionist.

• 37:05Lewis Howes?

  I love that too, yeah.

• 37:06Speaker 01

  The tyrant or the unemotional shield. And then the takers are those who are like divas and princesses and complainers. You know, they're just expecting life to change on its own.

• 37:16Lewis Howes?

  They, okay, yeah, they have expectations.

• 37:19Speaker 01

  And now we are some of all. But when we notice, wow, I'm that, and I'm that, and I'm that, and how did it come to be? So I talk about that in my book. So every woman can see her patterns and go, wow, that came because I was traumatized in this way? Now you begin connecting the pieces.

• 37:38Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 37:38Speaker 01

  And the biggest liberation will not come when our patriarchy becomes a matriarchy. The biggest liberation will come when us women heal our unworthiness.

• 37:51Lewis Howes?

  I think it goes both ways. When men heal as well, so they don't keep hurting people.

• 37:56Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 37:56Lewis Howes?

  Or...

• 37:57Speaker 01

  So when we heal, we will raise our sons and daughters to be whole and healthy. And of course, there's a lot of focus on the men. But I'm just letting women know, don't wait. Do your work. Don't wait for the man to change.

• 38:09Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 38:10Speaker 01

  Or the patriarchy to change.

• 38:11Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 38:12Speaker 01

  We have a lot of work to do.

• 38:13Lewis Howes?

  So if someone is a giver, they give there when they're people please, they're always thinking about others first. What do they need to recognize and what action steps could they take

• 38:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:24Lewis Howes?

  to start the process of moving forward?

• 38:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. So the first step, and I did this to myself, is I gave myself a seven day experiment that I wouldn't speak. Until I was authentic, okay? So if anytime I was doing it to people please, or avoid a conflict, or because I was getting nervous or anxious.

• 38:46Lewis Howes?

  That's been me my whole life.

• 38:47Speaker 01

  Don't talk.

• 38:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, don't talk.

• 38:49Speaker 01

  I didn't talk practically the whole week because everything out of my mouth was to people please, or to take care of somebody else's feelings, or to do not say what I wanted because I was afraid of conflict. So I became aware. The first step is always awareness, whether we like it or not. And that's arduous and painful. We have to look in the mirror. Then the second step, after you become aware, you have to ask yourself, what is that moment before I jump in? Like, what's happening in my body? Like you said, that pain?

• 39:20Lewis Howes?

  That's when you feel that tension or the tightness or the clenching or whatever, what is that telling you?

• 39:26Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 39:26Lewis Howes?

  What is that telling you when you feel like, I don't want to say this, or I don't want to do this, but I feel like I have to because whatever.

• 39:32Speaker 01

  So let me tell you, that pain is coming from old inner child pain. That's why it has been sitting inside you.

• 39:39Lewis Howes?

  Man.

• 39:39Speaker 01

  You suddenly become a five-year-old boy terrified of pissing the coach off, or pissing dad off, or pissing the teacher off. That's what is in you.

• 39:48Lewis Howes?

  Gosh.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  So you have to get in touch with that and go, oh, my goodness, I've felt this all my life. It's from my inner child, the neglected little boy or girl. Now, what do we do? Now, step three, very hard. And hopefully, people should recruit a coach or a therapist by now because you need help. Now, you have to heal those needs of the inner child versus jump to do the role. So you see, the pattern is that every time you felt that pain, you just jumped and did the role. You took care of the pain by suppressing the pain, and you took on the role.

• 40:23Lewis Howes?

  What happens if we suppress the pain long enough?

• 40:26Speaker 01

  You'll be, it won't go away. You'll become ill. You will have dysfunctional relationship after dysfunctional relationship. You'll become addictive. You cannot suppress pain.

• 40:34Lewis Howes?

  You'll explode, you'll do something.

• 40:36Speaker 01

  Pain, you cannot suppress. It will find its outlet somehow.

• 40:40Lewis Howes?

  This is why I feel like a lot of the men who are... The angry men who are causing harm, physical harm, emotional harm in the world.

• 40:51Speaker 01

  Emotional suppression.

• 40:53Lewis Howes?

  Now that I've been through a lot of it myself and still growing and working through it, I can see it for what it is and know that, okay, they haven't healed something. This is why they're so angry, defensive, needing to win at all costs, whether it be politically, business, relationships, intimacy, all the domestic violence. There's a pain there that hasn't been healed.

• 41:12Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 41:14Lewis Howes?

  A lot of men are unwilling to look at the pain.

• 41:17Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 41:17Lewis Howes?

  They've been shamed for their pain or whatever it is as well, just like women. A lot of us in general. So how, once we feel the pain and we have this awareness, how do we actually start the process of healing? What does healing look like from the seven, six, eight-year-old who's dealing with this still?

• 41:33Speaker 01

  Right, so now you recognize it's a pain I've carried all my life. I see now the pattern. Now I have to reparent myself. So I talk about reparenting a lot in the book. Taking our sovereignty back means taking our healing in our own hands. And I talk about how we can become the inner mother that we never had or the inner father that we never had. And you have to do a lot of inner dialogue to stop yourself from playing that role, right? You had to stop yourself from being the pleaser. Then you felt the inner child. Now you had a breakthrough.

• 42:10Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 42:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a breakthrough moment.

• 42:13Lewis Howes?

  This was literally like, it was one of the, it felt like magic. I'm not, I'm not lying, this is so recent for me. It's so like, I felt, it felt like a ball of pain that disintegrated. And it literally shrunk. It was taking my whole chest and it shrunk and then it just like disappeared. And I was like, wait a minute, what just, it was the weirdest thing.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  You know, I've had experiences where, and I tell people, you know, the pain came out of my hip and it shrunk.

• 42:41Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 42:41Speaker 01

  Because we store pain in our minds in different ways and places. Somebody stores it here, somebody, so you, you have an experience. We don't know whether it's real or not, it doesn't matter. It feels like that and you can't explain it to anybody.

• 42:54Lewis Howes?

  It's so weird.

• 42:56Speaker 01

  It means that you're, the way I look at it is that the, the power of your awareness. Disintegrated, burnt through the ball of pain.

• 43:05Lewis Howes?

  That's insane.

• 43:06Speaker 01

  But awareness is our greatest spiritual sword and we need to use it. We're so scared to look in the mirror. It's all clear, but you see, when we come from unworthiness, we're in denial. Because we're in need. If we're in need for love and worth and we're constantly saying, do you see me? Do you love me? Do you know me? Do you validate me? Do I have permission to exist? Then that is the fuel for all our behavior. So we can't see. We're hungry. When you're hungry, you know how cranky you are. You can't really think straight. Your brain is fogged up. Our brain is fogged up with unworthiness. We can't see straight. So the first thing we have to do is understand unworthiness is fueling it, not real love.

• 43:51Speaker 01

  That's a hard lesson.

• 43:52Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 43:53Speaker 01

  Yes. Need, not love. I tell so many couples, you need her. I don't know whether you love her yet. And they're like, yes, I do.

• 44:04Lewis Howes?

  When someone is feeling that in a relationship, they need to feel worthy by this person? Or they need to feel worthy in a relationship in general?

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Right.

• 44:12Lewis Howes?

  What does that look like?

• 44:13Speaker 01

  Well, there's love.

• 44:14Lewis Howes?

  Because I know my pattern of stuff in previous relationships of feeling the need for someone to love me and accept me for who I was.

• 44:24Speaker 01

  That's why we get into relationships.

• 44:26Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 44:26Speaker 01

  That's why we become parents. And we don't want to acknowledge that it's coming from an inner hole, H O L E, a void. We don't want to own this about us, right? We're like, no, I love my child unconditionally. That's why I want him to, you know, play soccer and ski.

• 44:41Lewis Howes?

  Do what I want in the day.

• 44:42Speaker 01

  Do all the things that, oh, it just happens to be all the things I want. Or this is why I'm in the relationship. And the way we know that it's need and attachment and not love and unconditionality is how much we want to control them, how much we want to possess them.

• 44:57Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 44:58Speaker 01

  It's attached. All that smells of need and attachment. Because true transcendent love, true intimacy, very hard to achieve. Because it requires two whole people.

• 45:09Lewis Howes?

  Trusting, fully and.

• 45:11Speaker 01

  Who are in their own sovereignty, who don't need. Very rare. That kind of achievement, that kind of aspiration cannot occur unless you do the work. And you heal. So, most of us who haven't healed are in need and attachment, control-based relationships. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry to everybody.

• 45:32Lewis Howes?

  How many people are in control-based relationships?

• 45:35Speaker 01

  Almost every relationship I know, yes. And every parenting relationship I know is in control, need and attachment and possession.

• 45:43Lewis Howes?

  What does it look like for most people? What's the common ways of control and need and attachment?

• 45:47Speaker 01

  Okay, constant repetition of drama where the cycle just can't break.

• 45:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 45:53Speaker 01

  Um, you know, not a mutual honoring of each one's absolute freedom.

• 45:58Lewis Howes?

  The boundaries or freedoms or?

• 46:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, and honoring each other and true articulation of one's needs. Who knows how to articulate their needs? Nobody. And allow the other to be heard and seen and to be seen honestly and authentically. That's intimacy. So, we think we're in intimate relationships, but we're just in functional, transactional dynamics.

• 46:20Lewis Howes?

  Ew, what if someone's authentic about their need? And their need is, well, I need you to, I don't know, uh, check in with me multiple times throughout the day so I know where you are.

• 46:33Speaker 01

  That's not being authentic. Should I tell you how to?

• 46:34Lewis Howes?

  Isn't that an authentic need if someone's?

• 46:36Speaker 01

  No, the, this is the authentic need.

• 46:38Lewis Howes?

  Tell me.

• 46:38Speaker 01

  Okay, so the person says, I authentically need you to check in with me 10,000 times a day, right? Now, here's the thing, that's not an authentic need. Here's the need. I have such low sense of worth and I'm in such a panic. I get panic attacks because I have control issues from my past abandonment. Can you help me in some way by not feeding the need? I don't want you to call me 10,000 times because that'll just feed my monster. But can you help me and be kind with me? Because that's my need. My need is for ultimate supreme safety, but I know I can't have that. The need is from my childhood. That's what I'm talking about. I'm not saying I need you to give me 10 massages. That's not a need. The need is why do I have the need?

• 47:23Speaker 01

  Really getting to the core of the need.

• 47:25Lewis Howes?

  It's not about communicating the need to the other partner.

• 47:27Speaker 01

  Everyone's good at doing that.

• 47:29Lewis Howes?

  It's about recognizing why is the need there.

• 47:32Speaker 01

  The real need.

• 47:33Lewis Howes?

  And when you find the root of the need, then you heal the need.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  And you release the other person from meeting your need.

• 47:39Lewis Howes?

  Gosh.

• 47:39Speaker 01

  Right? So everyone's good about saying what they need, Louis. I need a Bentley, I need a mansion, very good at doing that. We have to go to, why are we looking at the other person to fill that need, number one? Where's this need really coming from? That's the real need.

• 47:56Lewis Howes?

  But won't, I mean, I don't want to generalize this, but won't you hear a lot of women say, well, I need to know I can trust my man, that he makes me feel safe, he protects me, that I know where he's at, that he lets me check his phone, that I can know where, you know, where, when he's going somewhere, or who he's seeing, like, doesn't, isn't that a common thing, theme for women?

• 48:16Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 48:17Lewis Howes?

  What is that, what happens when a woman does that?

• 48:19Speaker 01

  Right. When the woman does that, it means she's completely an inner child, believing that she needs those things from a man. She doesn't need that. Because if she has need for that, she's going to be dependent on his every move, and looking at him like she's a detective, and he's under the microscope. And that means she is enslaving herself to him and giving him her power. When we want to control the other, we think we're getting control. We are getting enslavement to the other.

• 48:53Lewis Howes?

  Oh my goodness. What is the common, uh, the, the common fear and security that women have when they're in a relationship, and that men have when they're in relationships? Is it safety and protection?

• 49:04Speaker 01

  Can we just say, that the way men and women are relating in relationships is based on conventional possession, control, and ownership?

• 49:14Lewis Howes?

  Both parties.

• 49:15Speaker 01

  So it's already messed up.

• 49:16Lewis Howes?

  You're right.

• 49:17Speaker 01

  Now, within the messed up matrix, you want to ask, what are the most common insecurities?

• 49:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, what's the main insecurity for men in general? Is it, I don't know, that they're gonna cheat on?

• 49:29Speaker 01

  Possession, both is possession.

• 49:30Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 49:30Speaker 01

  Both is control in some way.

• 49:32Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 49:33Speaker 01

  Now, you'll say, but isn't there a real need for the one to find the money and the other to cook the food? Sure, but you know.

• 49:43Lewis Howes?

  What's a core need, what's the root need? Possession is what they're, control and possession?

• 49:47Speaker 01

  We've been told that relationships, especially marriage, means that the other one betrothers themselves to you, like gives themselves to you for keeping, right? And you put the ring like, you know.

• 50:00Lewis Howes?

  And you're mine, and I own you.

• 50:01Speaker 01

  And I own you. And you give the woman a big diamond ring so everyone around can see that she's owned. I have never won a ring one day of my life because I have no desire to let the world know I'm owned.

• 50:17Lewis Howes?

  So what about women who are like, you know what? I love my partner, I want to be their partner, I want to wear this, show a symbol of my commitment and the circle of trust.

• 50:29Speaker 01

  We do it on this finger, we do that finger. It doesn't have to be a diamond. We follow convention because this is what society says. He didn't give you a diamond ring? Or the bigger the ring, the more the love, you know? We know it's convention.

• 50:41Lewis Howes?

  And then the comparison, it's like, it's not, oh.

• 50:43Speaker 01

  You can have many symbols of love.

• 50:44Lewis Howes?

  Sally gave, got a bigger ring, so maybe his.

• 50:46Speaker 01

  There are many symbols of love. It's funny that we all have the same symbol, right? So it's not creative anymore, it's not spontaneous. Every relationship should have its own symbol. How come we all want the diamond ring as the symbol, right? Because it's convention, we're conditioned. We have to own how we've been conditioned for these things. The diamond industry is so happy with us.

• 51:07Lewis Howes?

  Super happy.

• 51:08Speaker 01

  Right, they're like, yeah, we really told them that these little pebbles mean something and they all bought into it and they all make their partners buy them. And if they don't buy it, it's a sort of betrayal. The industry is making whopping profit over our buying into this.

• 51:25Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, we're brainwashed.

• 51:26Speaker 01

  This is just one way we've been brainwashed. We've been brainwashed in every way because it's a consumer society.

• 51:33Lewis Howes?

  What, what should be three questions? That say someone's starting to date someone. They're six months, three months in, six months in, and things are moving along.

• 51:43Speaker 01

  I have the questions.

• 51:44Lewis Howes?

  And you want to ask three questions to determine if this relationship has the chance

• 51:49Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 51:50Lewis Howes?

  of being.

• 51:52Lewis Howes?

  You know, powerful, growth-minded, acceptance, not controlling. What would those three questions be?

• 52:00Speaker 01

  Well, you know, you first wanna know how much inner work the person has done. You wanna talk to their therapist? You wanna see the appointments? You wanna know how long they've been doing this? No, I'm just kidding. You'll get a sense of their consciousness quotient. Okay, that is number one.

• 52:15Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 52:16Speaker 01

  You have to see how integrated is this person? From their childhood to their adulthood? Have they worked on their wounds?

• 52:23Lewis Howes?

  Here's the challenge. Everyone shows the best version of themselves in the first year.

• 52:27Speaker 01

  It's such a false.

• 52:28Lewis Howes?

  And they act like they've done this in general, right? So how do you truly know when everyone's on their best behavior?

• 52:34Speaker 01

  So you don't move in, don't move in?

• 52:36Lewis Howes?

  You wanna hang out with that guy or that girl? Go ahead, yeah, did it with, you know, it's like...

• 52:40Speaker 01

  You don't get so excited in that first year. You know that each one is trying to present the false self. So don't you know that? So don't give in for the first year. You know it takes time. So you can't be jumping to the altar right away, right?

• 52:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 52:54Speaker 01

  So, number one is what is the consciousness quotient? And then I would, you know, I'm a little unconventional, so I will not find anyone, probably, but it's because they'll fail my questions. So I would ask them about their beliefs, about, you know, all the stereotypical institutions. And I have done so much work deconstructing cultural lies that I wanna be with someone who has deconstructed the bullshit.

• 53:22Lewis Howes?

  So otherwise, you're fighting against values, beliefs, ideas.

• 53:25Speaker 01

  Then it becomes a schism of basic values, you know? And the more work we do, you know, the more, you know, you deconstruct what the bullshit is. You can't be with someone who's bought into the bullshit, you know?

• 53:38Lewis Howes?

  You're distancing more and more your beliefs.

• 53:40Speaker 01

  So I think consciousness quotient, which is healing from childhood, and then the cultural BS radar, you know? How good is their BS radar? And then the last thing would be, you know, just how present they are. Are they... Worthy of their own love, are they whole? You know, that's all connected to the first two, but it then shows up in that person because they're present. They're radiant, their joys, they're liberated. You know, you can see liberated people because they don't need anything from you.

• 54:11Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 54:11Speaker 01

  Because they're whole.

• 54:12Lewis Howes?

  They're not expecting anything, they don't need something to feel good.

• 54:16Speaker 01

  They don't judge you.

• 54:16Lewis Howes?

  They are good.

• 54:17Speaker 01

  And they're bursting with that.

• 54:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 54:19Speaker 01

  So you feel it. That's true chemistry, right? You want to be attracted to the essence of the person, not to their sports car or their...

• 54:27Lewis Howes?

  Their bank account or the way they look.

• 54:29Speaker 01

  Right, because that's gonna end, that's transient. Consciousness lasts. You're living with the person's consciousness. You're living with the person's inner demons. Because after the first two years, when the cars are old, you're women, bored, and you've done that.

• 54:43Lewis Howes?

  You've traveled the world, you've done, yeah.

• 54:45Speaker 01

  Now you're living with their inner child. Do you like their inner child? That's what we go like, whoa. And your inner child comes out. So does your inner child know how to play with their inner child? And that's when you say the bubble bursts. But it's no one's fault, it's because we both presented with the bubble.

• 55:04Lewis Howes?

  So now we're at a...

• 55:05Speaker 01

  Don't fall in love until two years are up, then fall in love.

• 55:11Lewis Howes?

  What if people are like, this is amazing, this is exciting.

• 55:13Speaker 01

  It's not amazing, it's the illusion. Wait, I used to have a client who used to get so upset with me. She was like, before you burst my bubble, she always knew I'm gonna burst her bubble. Because this is what the ego does, it presents the best self. You think you're falling in love. Even the idea of falling in love, that's, you don't want to fall. You should not be falling.

• 55:33Lewis Howes?

  Rise, rise.

• 55:34Speaker 01

  You should be standing solid.

• 55:35Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 55:36Speaker 01

  So the fact that we fall is because we're falling for the illusion. You know, and then we're upset in two years that another relationship didn't work out.

• 55:44Lewis Howes?

  Jeez.

• 55:44Speaker 01

  Because it was the false self, the survivor, who was holding on. And after some time, the survivor stops, or the ego breaks down. And now you see each other's raw self behind the prison wall. And you're both convicts, looking for the other to rescue them. I call them twin beggars. Give me, give me, give me, give me.

• 56:05Lewis Howes?

  You're not giving me enough for...

• 56:07Speaker 01

  It's never going to be enough.

• 56:08Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 56:08Speaker 01

  Because we were beggars all along. We needed to only dare to enter a relationship after we've been full.

• 56:17Speaker 01

  Very hard to do, I know. So, you're gonna beg away.

• 56:20Lewis Howes?

  How does a twenty-three-year-old

• 56:21Speaker 01

  She doesn't.

• 56:22Lewis Howes?

  get full after

• 56:23Speaker 01

  She goes through the pain and the pain like we all have gone through. Heartache after heartache, blaming the other, crying to our girlfriends.

• 56:31Lewis Howes?

  He didn't do this, she didn't do that.

• 56:33Speaker 01

  And then everyone commiserates and go, "Yeah, he was really terrible."

• 56:36Lewis Howes?

  He was horrible.

• 56:36Speaker 01

  He was horrible. Leave him. What a, what a terrible man.

• 56:39Lewis Howes?

  Bad man.

• 56:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:41Lewis Howes?

  But bad girl.

• 56:42Speaker 01

  Right. We're bad, good, good, bad, you know? We don't realize, it's just inner child to inner child. Trauma to trauma, beggar to beggar.

• 56:50Lewis Howes?

  What happens when two people who have truly healed their traumas? I mean, done the years of work. They're not expecting, they're not holding grudges, they're not resentful, they're not needing something.

• 57:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:02Lewis Howes?

  What happens when those two type of people get together?

• 57:04Speaker 01

  I, I think there's such a thing as a beautiful intimacy, you know? I talk about intimacy where you truly can see the other person, but as their own being. And you don't need anything from them. You don't need them to be a certain way. And they know, and you know, that it's a journey. So, we walk together for some sunsets and maybe others we don't. And each is okay with that. We'll be sad if the other one walks away, but not devastated or broken. See, we sometimes think to be broken is to have really loved if they left. Similarly, when our kids go off to school or college, if we don't cry, that means I didn't really love my kid.

• 57:47Speaker 01

  We have this weird romance around crying a lot or pain or brokenness. That means we really loved. No, love is freedom. So, we need to be happy for the other person when they go to their other lover.

• 58:03Lewis Howes?

  That's big. That's big, right?

• 58:05Speaker 01

  But if you truly loved that other person, then how is it about you? It's what that, what makes that person happy. Very hard, because culture has raised us with possession and monogamy as the main goal. So, anyone who deviates from that is a frickin' cheater. And we know what we call cheaters, you know?

• 58:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's interesting. I'm just listening to you and thinking about my, my life and my journey. And I've, and I've always.

• 58:38Lewis Howes?

  I'm no way am I a perfect human being, but I've always wanted the best when relationships didn't work out. And a lot of them didn't work out well, like there was arguing and frustration on both sides, me included. But then I was like, okay, we're not working out. And I've always wanted them, I like, I hope they find someone that's a better fit for them. I've never felt like the girls ever want me to be happy afterwards.

• 59:00Speaker 01

  He needs to go down.

• 59:02Lewis Howes?

  He did this to me. He ruined my life. He did. Yeah, it's like, I've never felt like ever, anyone ever wanted the best for me. And it's.

• 59:08Speaker 01

  But you can't blame us because we've been conditioned that when a relationship ends, it means the other's to blame and there's been a betrayal.

• 59:15Lewis Howes?

  It's their fault.

• 59:16Speaker 01

  Right, and betrayal. You know, we fully bought into this idea of betrayal. And I don't believe in betrayal. I believe we only betray ourselves.

• 59:23Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 59:23Speaker 01

  You know?

• 59:24Lewis Howes?

  What does that mean? What does that mean?

• 59:26Speaker 01

  It means that when we enter a relationship without understanding that we are going to be with the other person's inner child.

• 59:34Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 59:35Speaker 01

  We betray ourselves. We, we want daddy, or we want Prince Charming, or we want Mr. Perfect, or Miss Perfect. You can be in a same-sex relationship. And we put on the other the expectation that they will be there for us in the way we need.

• 59:50Lewis Howes?

  They'll be our savior, our hero, our knight, or whatever.

• 59:54Speaker 01

  Of course, we all want that. That's lovely. But that was the job of mommy, not another human being.

• 59:58Lewis Howes?

  Our parents are supposed to be there to help us grow.

• 1:00:00Speaker 01

  They could barely do it. Right. So how is this person gonna do it? But we put on them this unconscious expectation and burden. When they don't fulfill it, instead of wishing them well and going, I get it, I'm an inner child too. I must have been really hard for you to deal with. Or we're both misaligned. You know, our inner children were just fighting in the sandbox. I own my part. Thank you for showing me yours. It's not aligned. I get it.

• 1:00:25Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, we had a season of life. We learned something, hopefully, and we move on.

• 1:00:28Speaker 01

  And you know, and say the guy cheated or the girl cheated. We look at the cheating not as a personal betrayal. But as it's a message. Yeah, okay, we're not so, he wasn't supposed to be with me that night. He felt like he needed to be somewhere else. He's following his soul. But she's like, oh, but he lied to me. Of course he lied to you because he knew you'd react like this. And now, look, you're not broken up, right?

• 1:00:52Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:00:52Speaker 01

  No one ever says, where were you last night, honey? You can tell me and mean it, right? Every guy knows. They don't mean it. The woman will kill you. We are raised in a conventional idea around man and woman. It's changing now, you know, with all the gender fluidity and all the ownership of of of rights for all kinds of affiliations. We're changing the paradigm. But still at the core is this paradigm that there's an ownership between the two. And that is the dysfunction. It's toxic.

• 1:01:26Speaker 01

  We all want to own everybody. We all wish that the world was our puppet. Of course.

• 1:01:31Lewis Howes?

  Why do we have that?

• 1:01:32Speaker 01

  Because it's a childish desire to have control. You know, I I want you to say exactly what I want because then I'll feel competent and in control.

• 1:01:40Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:01:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:42Lewis Howes?

  And what does control, what does needing control mean? We need to feel safe? We need to feel protected?

• 1:01:46Speaker 01

  Child, child stuff, just I want to be secure. Mommy's gonna come in at every, you know, hour checking on me. I want predictability. So the greater the kid or teenager didn't have predictability, they are going to go reactive. Either they're going to to silence that through an addiction or they're going to go into mass control. Either through mass achievement or mass obsession of the other person.

• 1:02:14Lewis Howes?

  I feel like I've done all those things in my past, everything.

• 1:02:17Speaker 01

  Mass control, mass possession.

• 1:02:19Lewis Howes?

  Manipulation, anger, resentment, don't do this, control, all these things, especially in your twenties.

• 1:02:24Speaker 01

  You wanted to make sure you would not be that helpless little boy who didn't have predictability, but you didn't know you were doing it because of that.

• 1:02:30Lewis Howes?

  I had no idea, so unconscious.

• 1:02:32Speaker 01

  Nobody knows.

• 1:02:33Lewis Howes?

  So unconscious for so many years. It wasn't until I had thirty when I started to really. Realize, oh, that a lot of the trauma I haven't even talked about because I've been so shameful of. And just the process of talking about it allowed me to heal an element of certain things, but not everything.

• 1:02:49Speaker 01

  Yes, we have to talk to a trusted confidant or a therapist. You must talk because talking allows you to hear your own narrative. And then somebody or you can both go, oh, my God, I said the same thing as my mother. Oh, my goodness, at seven, I felt this, at eleven, I felt this. You have to narrate your life. That's why it's called a narrative. Because you have to create a consistent narrative to integrate your life experiences. So people poo poo therapy perhaps, or think they don't have the time, well.

• 1:03:20Lewis Howes?

  I think it's some of the greatest time you can spend for yourself, for your inner peace, for awareness, for greater levels of love for yourself and compassion for others. I don't think I'd be as compassionate, understanding, and again, I'm not always compassionate and understanding, but I don't think I would be have the levels of intimacy and connection and love to myself or others without on and off therapy, coaching, workshops, emotional intelligence, training, like all of it. And I think it's so important for so many people. Are you still practicing?

• 1:03:54Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:03:54Lewis Howes?

  You're still seeing?

• 1:03:55Speaker 01

  I see people on Zoom. I have a full practice. I have a coaching institute where I train people to become coaches and they're going out into the world. So for me, self-growth and self-help is the cornerstone of my living and my being.

• 1:04:11Lewis Howes?

  What happens when people say, you know what, I'm not into therapy or self-growth or developing myself or looking at my pain, I'm just, I don't need to do that stuff. My life is good. Things are fine. I'm succeeding. I'm winning. My relationship is good. What tends to happen in general to people like that?

• 1:04:27Speaker 01

  Well, you as a coach or a partner recognize that they are in resistance because nobody's life is so good until they've done a lot of work, right? But you can tell when people are not ready. And you can break your head waiting for them. You can show them pattern after pattern. I now, in my forties, have gracefully learned to identify these people and release them from any expectation. You know, everyone has their own level of awareness. I call it, where are they on the continuum of consciousness? So just because you change, don't expect you going home and your partner changing.

• 1:05:07Lewis Howes?

  It's not gonna happen.

• 1:05:08Speaker 01

  It's not by osmosis.

• 1:05:10Lewis Howes?

  So how does this, I mean, there's a lot of married couples in the world that have two, three kids, they've been married ten, fifteen years. And you'll see it where the woman, it tends to typically be the woman, I feel like, is starting to grow and evolve, right? Emotionally, being more emotionally conscious. And I'm generalizing this, where the man is more resistant. Again, generalization. What should the woman do there? If the man is maybe twenty percent behind and then forty percent behind, like, and but she loves him, she wants to keep it together. She wants to be married to this person. Does she just accept the behavior and live with it? And do the best she can? And find her relationships elsewhere? How does a woman in that position, where it's not horrible?

• 1:05:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's at eighty percent, seventy percent.

• 1:05:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's maybe it's like, uh, half the time he's conscious, half the time he's not. What does a woman do there?

• 1:06:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's really hard. You know, I can tell you, the second or third question in every seminar I do is what do I do? My partner is not doing the work. It is the second to third question, if not the first, yes. So women, you're right, take the lead because we are already tuning in. We get our menstrual cycle, we're connected to our bodies, we're breastfeeding our children, we're raising, we're in the world of emotional connectivity anyway. We are the connectors.

• 1:06:28Lewis Howes?

  You're communicating with other women about challenges, shame, hurt.

• 1:06:32Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:06:32Lewis Howes?

  Whereas men typically tend to not say those things.

• 1:06:34Speaker 01

  You're in the outside world achieving, you know? And you've made it a mechanistic, hierarchical, dogmatic world. We're in the world of feelings and raising children, and they keep us close to our heart. So now the woman is growing, and it's not terrible. Then she has to kind of compromise. Yeah, she fills her bucket through other means. This is most women are doing this. Yeah, she's just decided, okay, he is what he is, he's good enough. She's good, it could be a same-sex relationship. The partner is good enough. So if you're willing to be with good enough, good enough is good enough. Then if it's really abusive, that's when she's in a pickle.

• 1:07:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:10Speaker 01

  And that's where she needs her sisters to support her and be there for shelter and protection. And other men. And then when it's, when it's, you know, if, if, if the other person is just not growing. Right? So one is abuse, that's, that's direct. You get to know what to do.

• 1:07:27Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:27Speaker 01

  One is fifty fifty, that's hard. But if the other person is just not changing, then the woman has to make a pivotal decision. How important is growth and consciousness for me?

• 1:07:37Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:07:38Speaker 01

  And then she has to follow her own governance and her lead, and that's really hard for women to do. But she needs to honor growth. Relationships should be growth inducing, growth fulfilling, growth focused, growth destined.

• 1:07:53Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 1:07:54Speaker 01

  If, if both are not working on growth, then you can be good friends.

• 1:07:59Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:08:00Speaker 01

  Right? See them once a month. And certainly if they're taking away from you, if they're constricting you. You know, in our forties and fifties, we realize we don't need that anymore. We are worthy.

• 1:08:13Lewis Howes?

  You're like, all right.

• 1:08:14Speaker 01

  I don't need this. Yeah. I don't need this. But you know, till then, we do.

• 1:08:18Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:08:18Speaker 01

  And we've already had five children and, you know, a lifetime with this person. But it's okay to say, now I'm ready for the next chapter of my life. To be brave, to say, it's okay. I can, I can do this. Change is not easy because it brings such a fear of rejection and abandonment. But we, we, it's okay. It's okay. Seasons change. The tide changes, the moon and the sun go up and down. It rises and falls.

• 1:08:43Lewis Howes?

  People come and go. People are born, people die.

• 1:08:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, we were young once, we're older. So change is inevitable, as we know, right? Nothing is permanent. Neither should our relationships be.

• 1:08:56Lewis Howes?

  What are the three things?

• 1:09:00Lewis Howes?

  Or what are the three reasons that you would say most relationships fail? What three things? They're not growth minded or?

• 1:09:07Speaker 01

  Right. They haven't really shown that. So not growth focused. So both don't enter the relationship with a pledge that I'm not committing to you. I'm committing to growth.

• 1:09:17Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 1:09:18Speaker 01

  Right. That's what, that's what the ring exchange ceremony should be.

• 1:09:22Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:09:23Speaker 01

  Yeah. I am, I am committing that you grow. And I'm gonna help your growth. And the minute I don't help your growth, you can give me back this ring.

• 1:09:33Speaker 01

  Right, now wouldn't that be beautiful? That's freedom.

• 1:09:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, not, you can not grow for the rest of your life and I have to be with you forever.

• 1:09:41Speaker 01

  About sickness and till death do us part, right? It's death of the ego.

• 1:09:44Lewis Howes?

  You can abuse me, you can emotionally abuse me, physically abuse me, and I'm gonna stay.

• 1:09:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, it should be till death of the ego. And if then we wanna stay, great, right? That the ego is gonna die.

• 1:09:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:55Speaker 01

  So it should be growth focused and then, um, I think both need to do their own inner healing and show up as their true self. And also, and the last thing, I think the reason why relationships fail is because we are looking for mommy and daddy.

• 1:10:13Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man, what happens when we look for mom or dad?

• 1:10:17Speaker 01

  Well, it's not if we look, we are looking for mom and dad. Uh, we place a great burden on the other person to fulfill that role.

• 1:10:26Lewis Howes?

  And, and your partner is not your mom or your dad, they're your partner.

• 1:10:30Speaker 01

  And they're just a fallible, bumbling human being with their own demons. So they're not psychic, they're not dad, and they're not your mom. You know how many times in my relationships I've said, "I'm not the mother, I am not the mother," you know? But we women wanna be the mothers, so that's our little trap.

• 1:10:47Lewis Howes?

  You wanna be the mom to the, the partner?

• 1:10:49Speaker 01

  Yes, and that's the worst thing we can do.

• 1:10:50Lewis Howes?

  Why do women wanna do that?

• 1:10:51Speaker 01

  Because we, we have a savior mentality and we're like, it's our nature to nurture. So we wanna save everyone, it is the most damaging thing we can do to our partners because we don't let the meals in our life grow. Because we are like, we wanna be everyone's mother, that's our issue, that's our sickness. We wanna please and nurture and save. You know, we wanna be the mother in the ego, but that's the most dysfunctional thing for us and them.

• 1:11:18Lewis Howes?

  But then the romance is, but I wanna have a rescuer, someone who saves me.

• 1:11:21Speaker 01

  Exactly, so then the woman wants to have daddy and savior and, and we're talking stereotypical relationships, okay? It's also applies for same gender.

• 1:11:29Lewis Howes?

  Of course, really.

• 1:11:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, in different ways.

• 1:11:31Lewis Howes?

  Same thing.

• 1:11:32Speaker 01

  I think in different ways, we put expectations that the other can heal us and fix us and make it all okay. Because inside, we're all five-year-olds.

• 1:11:43Speaker 01

  So when the person who's being treated as mom and dad realizes that they're being put in the mom or dad role, that takes a lot of courage because you don't want to hurt the other person, but you gotta say, like I said many times, I think you think I'm some long-lost dad or long-lost mom and it's hurting our relationship. So let's go to therapy right now because we gotta break this. I am not who you think I am. And you know, projection is so powerful. They don't see you. They see the other. In so many moments of my life, I used to move because I was like, see, you're not even looking at me. You're seeing your mother or your father.

• 1:12:26Lewis Howes?

  Or what you want me to be or something.

• 1:12:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, I could tell. You know, I could. You're not seeing me. It's a projection. So at first, I liked the projection because I was in my false self and I wanted to be the rescue.

• 1:12:37Lewis Howes?

  And you were.

• 1:12:37Speaker 01

  I was happy.

• 1:12:38Lewis Howes?

  You were worthy of helping someone or you could.

• 1:12:41Speaker 01

  Yes, and you thought, and I was, you know, the other person plays that role too. I'll rescue. I'll be a people pleaser, right? You were a people pleaser.

• 1:12:48Lewis Howes?

  That's been my whole life.

• 1:12:48Speaker 01

  So now you're happy that somebody's treating you like daddy or mommy. You're like, I want to be a people pleaser. Then you begin to realize after two years that we are both playing these roles. I'm faking it by pretending I can rescue you and you're faking it as if you're in love with me. You want daddy or mommy.

• 1:13:08Lewis Howes?

  But both people don't even know. They're faking it. This has been my life for a long time.

• 1:13:16Speaker 01

  So then you enter the fight and the fight is the same fight.

• 1:13:19Lewis Howes?

  What happened?

• 1:13:19Speaker 01

  So after fight number 232.

• 1:13:21Lewis Howes?

  You did this. No, you did this and.

• 1:13:23Speaker 01

  And no one's hearing each other, by the way. No one. So after fight number 232, you gotta have some therapy.

• 1:13:31Lewis Howes?

  You're like, okay, well, the same cycle. We've tried this. We've tried that. Nothing's working.

• 1:13:34Speaker 01

  Then you gotta take yourself for some professional care because you are enacting some serious old wounds that are eating you up. You have to treat it as a physical illness.

• 1:13:44Lewis Howes?

  You know what I think is fascinating? From an athlete's point of view. I know that in order to be a great athlete or to excel at some sport.

• 1:13:54Speaker 01

  You go to a coach.

• 1:13:55Lewis Howes?

  I need a coach.

• 1:13:55Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:13:56Lewis Howes?

  You can't do it on your own.

• 1:13:57Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:13:57Lewis Howes?

  There's not any world champion that's like, no one ever coached me. I did this all my own for 20 years to get here and I had no help, no mentor.

• 1:14:04Speaker 01

  You had a team.

• 1:14:05Lewis Howes?

  Team and a coach. I don't understand.

• 1:14:08Speaker 01

  Why we don't do it for.

• 1:14:09Lewis Howes?

  In relationships.

• 1:14:10Speaker 01

  Because we have, we have great shame and stereotypes against airing our dirty laundry. This is the total ridiculous lunacy. Where you need it the most, you don't get professional help. What about parents? There's no training.

• 1:14:25Lewis Howes?

  They don't teach you how to be in a relationship. Just the model of what didn't work.

• 1:14:29Speaker 01

  What didn't work. So, parents don't have any license, certificate, passing grade. Couples don't have any help and you need help. So, in spiritual traditions, they do talk about needing a teacher. Right? Every eastern spiritual tradition has the guru. And now the guru has been blasphemized, so let's not talk about the guru. But has the teacher, meaning you need somebody to teach you this. Who's older and wiser. And same for relationships. We should have, you have to go to a therapist. There's no doubt about it. Every relationship should be in therapy, whether you are at the brink of the end or trying to get better.

• 1:15:07Lewis Howes?

  I always think it'd be interesting for people to start a relationship in therapy.

• 1:15:11Speaker 01

  Absolutely, they should.

• 1:15:12Lewis Howes?

  And say, let's, okay, we're to start dating and be exclusive, whatever it's like. Let's get into therapy now, six months in, three months in.

• 1:15:19Speaker 01

  Because it's coming, the inner child is coming.

• 1:15:21Lewis Howes?

  In two years it's gonna happen. We might as well go here now and get through it.

• 1:15:24Speaker 01

  And let the therapist tell you if you can even manage.

• 1:15:27Lewis Howes?

  And save us some time.

• 1:15:27Speaker 01

  Yes, save you a lot of effort and heartache.

• 1:15:29Lewis Howes?

  And I feel like you'll respect each other more if you get into it sooner, saying, we're both looking to grow.

• 1:15:34Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:15:34Lewis Howes?

  No one's resistant, we're both here, revealing, open.

• 1:15:38Speaker 01

  Amazing. I messed up, you're probably messed up. I like your messed up.

• 1:15:44Lewis Howes?

  Let's figure it out.

• 1:15:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, let's go to therapy. No harm, no shame. But people will get all upset because they're in their ego. They're like, I don't have any problems.

• 1:15:53Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my God. That was probably me my whole life. It was about eight years ago, so I can understand. But what do most people gain when they have a coach or a therapist in their relationships? What is the thing they get out of that the most?

• 1:16:05Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. They gain awareness of their pattern and they get to see how it's happening in real time. I show my people, boom, there it was. Two hours before you said this, here's your pattern again. So they can catch the dysfunction and disrupt the patterns in real time. So they save themselves a lot of, lot of years of, you know?

• 1:16:32Lewis Howes?

  How do we learn to embrace the truth about ourselves, even if we're scared?

• 1:16:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16:38Lewis Howes?

  Whether it be a pain or shame or whatever, how do we learn to actually embrace it? Because that's what your book's a lot about.

• 1:16:44Speaker 01

  Because we have to have greater fear for what will happen if we don't.

• 1:16:47Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:16:48Speaker 01

  It will eat us up and break us down.

• 1:16:51Lewis Howes?

  And this is why the involuntary is probably the easiest way. It's when you hit rock bottom or when something tragic happens or a near-death experience or divorce or breakup or bankruptcy. When that happens, it forces you to look at the pain.

• 1:17:05Speaker 01

  Yes. You have no choice.

• 1:17:06Lewis Howes?

  You have no choice anymore.

• 1:17:08Speaker 01

  Yes, thank goodness.

• 1:17:08Lewis Howes?

  I don't hope that on anyone. I hope we can all like be consciously aware and voluntarily go into the growth. But unfortunately, for probably, I don't know, ninety plus percent of us, we've got to go through something.

• 1:17:21Speaker 01

  But I will tell you, you know, once you commit to this path and break free from the cultural lies and the tethers of the institutions and people and what people will say and, and, and living for others, you do reach a place of Great lightness of being, you know, I never thought I would experience this lightness.

• 1:17:43Lewis Howes?

  Really, what do you mean by lightness, like freeness, light energy?

• 1:17:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, because finally, when your worth is not tied to anyone else's opinion, and it's all your own, you own every day. Your child doesn't define you, the mirror doesn't define you, the interview doesn't define you, the ratings doesn't define you. Sure, we'd all like it all to work in our favor, but it doesn't define you. You reach a place of healthy distance and space, and you begin to flourish, like you feed yourself, and that's a beautiful feeling.

• 1:18:19Lewis Howes?

  What should define us?

• 1:18:23Speaker 01

  Should, what should define us is the awareness that we are only interconnected beings. There is no permanence, this is all an illusion. If we can keep, this is what I keep in my mind. It's all cause and effect. Whatever I'm seeing right now is through eons of cause and effect. We're interconnected, so there's a we are, like what matters to me matters to you. If I hurt you, I hurt me, and everything is impermanent. You know, there's only the present. So these are the things I live by, and that's my, that's what I chase.

• 1:19:03Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:04Speaker 01

  You know?

• 1:19:05Lewis Howes?

  What do you think is gonna be the next breakdown in your life? Would it be five years, ten years, twenty years where you have a new awakening? What's that thing, the next level of ego death that you think you'll need to go through?

• 1:19:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19:20Lewis Howes?

  That you haven't yet?

• 1:19:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think, you know, the physical death of, say, you know, a really close, like, I only have a few, but...

• 1:19:28Lewis Howes?

  You haven't experienced that yet?

• 1:19:29Speaker 01

  I haven't experienced that, so I can't claim to say I'm gonna be fine, and I'm not gonna go through some other epiphanic shock. But in terms of the material world, the physical world as I see it right now, in terms of house, relationships, money, I think those I have, I have released.

• 1:19:46Lewis Howes?

  You've released.

• 1:19:46Speaker 01

  I don't identify with those.

• 1:19:47Lewis Howes?

  What was the, what was the thing you held on to the longest?

• 1:19:51Speaker 01

  The idea of being the perfect girl and keeping my family together, you know? I, I couldn't let that go. It was very hard.

• 1:19:58Lewis Howes?

  How, when did you, how many years did you stay in that space when you knew like you needed to let it go, but you kept holding on to it?

• 1:20:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, I would say ju- I, I, I used to convince myself and it was so worth it and it was so important to me that I didn't even know I was resisting or fighting a conflict. But the last two years was when I...

• 1:20:21Lewis Howes?

  You like knew, but you were holding on and...

• 1:20:23Speaker 01

  Ah, it was so painful to let go of what you've been so attached to, you know? And to, to release it. And to say that it was for that moment and it was perfect and no regret and no blame and come to wholeness, you know?

• 1:20:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was very powerful.

• 1:20:42Lewis Howes?

  Is attachment one of the roots of suffering and pain? Or is it something else around suffering?

• 1:20:48Speaker 01

  Well, why do we attach, right? We have to understand what attachment means. Attachment means that we are believing we are that.

• 1:20:58Lewis Howes?

  Give me an example.

• 1:20:59Speaker 01

  I am the wife. I am the mother. I am the achiever. I am the role.

• 1:21:04Lewis Howes?

  That identity.

• 1:21:05Speaker 01

  The identity. And in essence, we are interconnected, cause and effect. There is no solid I. So the I am doesn't exist. It's a we are. And the I am only exists in the egg, you know, in the energetic, not in the ego. So when we attach to something that is outside of us, we are now going to suffer because that is not going to last. Nothing lasts. Everything dies. So fame comes and goes, beauty comes and goes, youth comes and goes, achievement. So you have now claimed that as you and you don't know who you are without that. So that's why you will suffer, you know? So when you drop that and you discover who you are,

• 1:21:50Speaker 01

  something more cosmic, more spacious, more liberated, now you don't need these things.

• 1:21:56Lewis Howes?

  To feel worthy or enough or...

• 1:21:58Speaker 01

  Significant.

• 1:21:59Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 1:21:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:03Lewis Howes?

  Do you think

• 1:22:07Lewis Howes?

  we're more driven by significance or safety?

• 1:22:12Lewis Howes?

  Like, do we want to be more significant and acknowledged?

• 1:22:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:15Lewis Howes?

  Or is it, do we just want to feel safe?

• 1:22:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:17Lewis Howes?

  Or do they, the significance bring us more safety?

• 1:22:20Speaker 01

  No, I think, you know, it's like Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Safety, trust is the primal core foundation. And when we didn't get that as children, we're shattered. If we're looking for safety, we're in trouble.

• 1:22:36Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:22:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, because we're not going to find safety anywhere.

• 1:22:39Lewis Howes?

  Where do we find it?

• 1:22:40Speaker 01

  It's not, it doesn't exist. It was only to be found in that primal bond with the, with the earliest caregiver as an infant. As an adult, it's an eternally unpredictable, unsafe world. Therefore, when you don't have that primal need met, the world is forever threatening to you. And everyone's an enemy. Every moment is a disaster.

• 1:23:01Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:23:01Speaker 01

  You know those people like that?

• 1:23:03Lewis Howes?

  Probably for a long time in my life, but...

• 1:23:05Speaker 01

  Because you were in, in disaster preparedness mode your whole life.

• 1:23:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I left home when I was 13.

• 1:23:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:23:10Lewis Howes?

  Because I didn't feel...

• 1:23:11Speaker 01

  Safe.

• 1:23:11Lewis Howes?

  I didn't feel safe. I mean, I know my parents loved me and I know they were there for me.

• 1:23:15Speaker 01

  But you couldn't count on them.

• 1:23:17Lewis Howes?

  It was just, you didn't know when there was an argument was going to break out or fight or an unsafe feeling. And I was the youngest of four, my siblings were off and, you know, they were crazy in their own way. They've all evolved and transcended that, but I was like, get me out of here.

• 1:23:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:23:34Lewis Howes?

  Like, subconsciously, I begged them to send me away at 13. Usually, kids are sent away for being bad or whatever. And I was like, no, please send me away. Not because of, I didn't say because I wasn't safe.

• 1:23:47Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:23:47Lewis Howes?

  But I was just like, uh...

• 1:23:48Speaker 01

  You knew, that's a sign. When a kid wants to bolt too early, we know that the home is not conducive and it knows, the kid knows. So significance is a higher order need. You know, after your needs for safety and trust are met, now you can go up the ladder and you're like, oh, now I can achieve. Now I can, you know, but first the infant has to walk. No, that's safety, that's trust.

• 1:24:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I wanted safety and then I was driven to succeed in significance for so many years.

• 1:24:18Speaker 01

  Right, to cope with never being helpless, ever.

• 1:24:22Lewis Howes?

  Never being seen, or never being helped, or never feeling worthy, or enough, or whatever it was, and...

• 1:24:27Speaker 01

  You weren't looking for significance.

• 1:24:28Lewis Howes?

  And when I got it, I still didn't feel enough.

• 1:24:31Speaker 01

  No, you never will.

• 1:24:32Lewis Howes?

  For years.

• 1:24:32Speaker 01

  Because if the bottom is unsafe, this is empty.

• 1:24:36Lewis Howes?

  So if, if someone is listening or watching right now, has realized they're having their awakening, "Oh, I never felt safe, and I still don't feel safe, and I'm driven by significance to feel seen, or loved, or whatever I need," what should be the steps they take to create safety in their life, and not need to feel significant by accomplishments?

• 1:24:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, imagine, if that person comes to that point to go, "Oh my goodness, I've been ruled by my need to be safe and significant." Listen, this is a powerhouse moment, this is an epiphany.

• 1:25:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:07Speaker 01

  Right, like you had.

• 1:25:08Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:25:08Speaker 01

  Now they have to take themselves straight to a therapist or a coach.

• 1:25:12Lewis Howes?

  Is there any other way besides therapy?

• 1:25:14Speaker 01

  No, no, sorry, because you have to uncover the patterns. Now meditation is huge. You know, I've been meditating since I was 21. It is huge. Meditation gave me wisdom to understand the cravings of the ego.

• 1:25:29Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:25:30Speaker 01

  So it was, that's why I teach East meets West psychology and spirituality, because both together was beautiful in my life.

• 1:25:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:37Speaker 01

  But I needed both.

• 1:25:39Lewis Howes?

  You needed meditation.

• 1:25:40Speaker 01

  And endless therapeutic work, yes.

• 1:25:42Lewis Howes?

  Okay, so that's the next step. Don't try to trust yourself and figure it out. Allow someone to support you and coach you through it.

• 1:25:49Speaker 01

  Yes, just like an athlete would to become his best self or her best self, yes.

• 1:25:53Lewis Howes?

  That's true. We wouldn't just go and say, "I want to win the World Series," and do it on our own.

• 1:25:58Speaker 01

  We wouldn't write a book without an editor.

• 1:26:00Lewis Howes?

  That's true.

• 1:26:00Speaker 01

  What would we do? We wouldn't learn the piano without a teacher, right? We wouldn't go to school without teachers. So why, when it comes to inner work, we don't do it? Because the very thing that blocks us from doing inner work is the very thing that blocks us from thinking we need to do inner work to go and get help. Right? It's the ego, that I'm perfect. Everyone thinks they're perfect, yet everyone I have met has been broken in such a significant way, Louis. Not just like a little bit broken, like shards.

• 1:26:31Speaker 01

  Lambasting, torn apart, bomb blast in their childhood. I've rarely met individuals who were raised by conscious parents. I can maybe say a few.

• 1:26:44Lewis Howes?

  You wrote a book on conscious parenting. Do you feel like you were a conscious parent to your child?

• 1:26:49Speaker 01

  No, I was not. I was not. I really wasn't. And, you know, but I I'm trying not to have shame or guilt about it. But I really ma- made quote unquote grave errors in terms of my own ego's needs for control and possession. I caught on pretty fast by the time she was three about what I was doing. And since then have been course correcting.

• 1:27:18Lewis Howes?

  Got it.

• 1:27:18Speaker 01

  And teaching others. And the reason I could correct it fast is because I've been on this path. I've been meditating and I still messed up. Because no one prepared me for how that parental ego looks. I knew the ego in relationships. I knew the ego around food, around looks. I didn't know the ego around the parents. So now I've helped other parents to discover their parental ego. So hopefully I've helped other parents not do what I do.

• 1:27:44Lewis Howes?

  Even even when you're researching this, teaching this, coaching others, it's still challenging for us to follow through on certain things.

• 1:27:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:27:52Lewis Howes?

  And we all need these.

• 1:27:53Speaker 01

  I've never met this child before.

• 1:27:55Lewis Howes?

  Do you have your own coach?

• 1:27:57Speaker 01

  I have in, you know, intermittently relied on coaches. But I take a lot of courses.

• 1:28:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:02Speaker 01

  I'm always doing my work. Every day, I don't let myself go.

• 1:28:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:07Speaker 01

  I'm on myself.

• 1:28:08Lewis Howes?

  What does the work look like for you? What's a non-negotiable on a daily basis?

• 1:28:13Speaker 01

  Like in just in terms of my life?

• 1:28:15Lewis Howes?

  For your life, yeah. Or the beer?

• 1:28:16Speaker 01

  Non-negotiable now for me is ultimate alignment with my inner voice. So I don't say yes to things that are not aligned. I don't go for lunch. I don't eat things that are not aligned. I've become pretty.

• 1:28:30Lewis Howes?

  When did you learn how to do that?

• 1:28:32Speaker 01

  Over the last, you know, my radical awakening.

• 1:28:34Lewis Howes?

  The last couple of years?

• 1:28:35Speaker 01

  Last, yeah, it's I was inching forward and now I've just stepped into it. Like recently, I just told someone, do not show me this person's photograph because it triggers a past issue with this person. I don't even want to see a photograph. So taking my self-care and my alignment. In a really adult way and cleaning up my my life. So it really matches with who I authentically am. And I'm not serving anyone else's ego.

• 1:29:03Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:29:04Speaker 01

  You know, I will not talk to people. I will not have someone on a chat if I I'm not aligned. Everyone in my life is intentionally placed now and intentionally kept.

• 1:29:15Lewis Howes?

  I'm glad you still reply to my texts, that's good.

• 1:29:18Speaker 01

  You're still hanging on.

• 1:29:20Lewis Howes?

  I'm hanging on by a thread. Um, okay, so you've gotten very clear to say yes and no to things that you either wanna say yes to or not. But not doing them out of the need to please or because you don't wanna hurt someone. That's an incredible gift. That's a skill that most people I don't think have mastered.

• 1:29:38Speaker 01

  Right, it can only come after arduous self-knowledge. You have to know who you are. So I've spent a lot of time figuring out, who am I? You know, why am I here? What makes me the most joyous being in this one body that I got this time? Who knows if I'm gonna come back again? Now I'm here. How am I going to make this life the most liberated, abundant, buoyant life? It's up to me. I gotta create it, I gotta curate it, I got to plant the right seeds. So it's very intentional now. But I say no a lot, which I never used to do.

• 1:30:15Lewis Howes?

  You say yes to everyone.

• 1:30:16Speaker 01

  I used to say yes, I used to say, I'm so sorry I can't say yes, if I couldn't say yes, you know? Now I just ignore. Or I let it go, it has nothing to do with me.

• 1:30:25Lewis Howes?

  And what happens if someone is mad or hurt or frustrated or emails you back? I thought you were gonna say, yeah, how could you do this to me? What do you do then?

• 1:30:32Speaker 01

  Right, so you know, when it's a stranger, you know it's projection.

• 1:30:35Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:30:36Speaker 01

  And when it's a deeply held relationship, I will clean it up. I'll never do that to you.

• 1:30:40Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:30:40Speaker 01

  Or to somebody who I honor, then I'm in a relationship.

• 1:30:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:43Speaker 01

  But if I'm not in a relationship, I've learned to let it go. It's, you know, they can project whatever they want. Like on social media, how many people project? They can have a party, it's okay. They have a right. People have a right to project. You know, when I was young, I didn't like when people projected. I thought they didn't have a right. Now I realize, oh, you can have your inner child and your inner child can dump all its crap on me. What am I going to do with it? Is the question.

• 1:31:10Lewis Howes?

  What do you do with it now when someone's dumping on you or yelling at you or angry or disappointed? How could you, Dr. Shefali?

• 1:31:16Speaker 01

  Right, if, if there's no inroad to their consciousness, you gotta walk away, you gotta disengage. Right, but in the past, I used to get upset that they used to dump. Now I say, oh, here's another dump. Now I got, I finally in my last decade, understood. Of course they're going to dump because they're an inner child. I used to protest that, I used to resist it, I used to get angry with it. How can you be an inner child? Now I've accepted, how can they not be an inner child? Now I see it everywhere and I'm very accepting. But I get to decide if I stay, if I accept, or I leave.

• 1:31:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, a coach told me once, like, when someone's throwing their anger or projections onto you and they're trying to give you a gift of trash and you can either receive and take the gift or say, eh, no thanks.

• 1:32:03Speaker 01

  It's your choice.

• 1:32:03Lewis Howes?

  Or just pass it along or.

• 1:32:05Speaker 01

  Right, but don't be upset with them that they're trashing on you. They have a right, you can walk away. But that feels horrible, especially for women, because we've been trained to be trash receptacles. The garbage man, please give me your trash. Right, now I empower women to go, oh, they can give you their trash. Don't blame them, don't expect them to be different. Because we're always begging the other, please be different.

• 1:32:29Lewis Howes?

  But what if we're like, okay, you know what? That's not the environment I want. I don't want to be a place where someone dumps trash, even if I take it or not, I just don't want that environment.

• 1:32:37Speaker 01

  After some time, that's why I said if there's no inroad, you gotta walk away.

• 1:32:41Lewis Howes?

  Or you gotta accept it and say, this is gonna be my life. I can't change them.

• 1:32:45Speaker 01

  Maybe they'll buy you fancy shoes or cook you some nice food at least.

• 1:32:49Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:32:49Speaker 01

  Something.

• 1:32:50Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:32:50Speaker 01

  For that trash.

• 1:32:51Lewis Howes?

  Can you expect someone to change or can you change someone else?

• 1:32:54Speaker 01

  You can try to become your best self and hope that that will leak onto them and they will absorb your love, your dignity, your esteem, but don't expect it and don't hold your breath. And. Allow that person to not change. Do you know how many relationships we've had where we're so upset with the other person? Because we tried so hard, we did all the right things and the other person couldn't heal? That's so hard for us because we tried so hard, right? And that's where we're getting into victim consciousness. Because it's okay. The other person doesn't have to change just because we're stellar. You know? We think it's a quid pro quo.

• 1:33:37Speaker 01

  I'm amazing, can you please see I'm amazing and heal? It's not connected. And that's so hard in a relationship to go, I'm doing my best. I can't fill this void. It's beyond my need. I am retiring from this position.

• 1:33:53Lewis Howes?

  Does that mean I'm retiring from the relationship as well?

• 1:33:55Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, now we have to see, yeah. I'm letting go of the role. At least the role. I can't fix you. I'm trying really hard. I adore you, I love you, I see your pain, but I can't fix you. And when you retire from the role, and if you were mainly that role, you may retire from the relationship. Because there's nothing else you were doing except trying to fix.

• 1:34:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:19Speaker 01

  It starts differently. Never go with how it starts. It's after the ego starts breaking down and the true self comes out, the wounded self comes out, not the authentic self.

• 1:34:30Lewis Howes?

  I think everyone should get the book, A Radical Awakening: Turn Pain Into Power, Embrace Your Truth, and Live Free, by the great Dr. Shefali. Get a few copies for your friends as well. This is really inspiring. And I think a lot of us have never learned how to turn our pain into something more peaceful and powerful. For me, I lived in pain internally most of my life without others really knowing about it. And I was the one suffering until I learned how to turn pain into healing, into peace. And It's a process and I'm sure I'm gonna have to learn it many more times in other areas of my life, but it's definitely a process. So I want people to get your book. You've got a lot of great lessons, practices, examples, stories

• 1:35:14Lewis Howes?

  to support them in this journey. Cause most people may not want to get a therapist right away, so get this book if you don't get a therapist right away and go through it. I have a couple of final questions for you. Before I ask them, where can we follow you online or support you in any other way?

• 1:35:31Speaker 01

  So they can just go to drshefali.com. I'm doing a course actually on the book so they can do the course with me. And just find me there or on social media.

• 1:35:41Lewis Howes?

  What's your favorite place on social media?

• 1:35:44Lewis Howes?

  Are you on Instagram, Facebook?

• 1:35:46Speaker 01

  More Facebook. I think I'm old, older, older generation, yeah.

• 1:35:49Lewis Howes?

  More on Facebook. So crack, I just read cracking the matrix. Go check her out on Facebook. And a lot of powerful stuff in here, so make sure you guys dive in here.

• 1:36:00Lewis Howes?

  Everything in here is really inspiring. Check it out. Couple of final questions for you.

• 1:36:07Lewis Howes?

  What are you most proud of that most people don't know about you?

• 1:36:10Speaker 01

  I don't know whether I'm proud, Louis, but maybe something that people don't know about me is that I'm really like very quiet. I know it's like, cause I chat all the time, but simple and just, I like to be in my pajamas and just, you know.

• 1:36:25Lewis Howes?

  Chill, relax.

• 1:36:25Speaker 01

  Very quiet and basic. I'm just like a very basic girl, you know, and I think people think of women like me, that we must be, you know, big personalities at home, but my daughter completely dominates me. I get dominated, yes, at home by my daughter.

• 1:36:43Lewis Howes?

  You're just like, I'm relaxing and she's all over the place.

• 1:36:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, very quiet personality at home, yeah.

• 1:36:48Lewis Howes?

  Okay, okay, that's cool. This is a question I think I asked you last time, but I'm curious your response this time. It's called the three truths question. I ask everyone at the end. So imagine it's your last day on earth, many years away. And you've accomplished everything you want to accomplish. You've written many more books, or you've created the life you want to create. For whatever reason, you got to take all of your work with you. All of your written work, this interview, all of your content. No one has access to what you've shared in the past. But you have a piece of paper and a pen, and you get to leave behind three lessons to the world. Three things you've learned. This is all we would have to remember your information by. Your message to the world. I call it three truths. What would be your three truths?

• 1:37:30Speaker 01

  I think number one would be, wake up to the lies of the matrix and don't sell your soul to cultures' lies. It's a lie. Number two, it's your destiny to be your authentic self and to live free. So claim it. Don't believe that giving it up is a virtue.

• 1:37:57Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:38:00Speaker 01

  And I think the third one would be, you know, why I named my daughter Maya. It's just, all of this is an illusion. And it's so insignificant in the cosmic scheme of things. Your ego makes things significant, but you know, the freedom comes when you realize you're not that significant. You know, you're not. There's freedom in that for me.

• 1:38:27Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's beautiful. I want to acknowledge you, Dr. Follie, before I ask the final question, for constantly evolving yourself. For constantly growing, shedding, and creating information for us to awaken ourselves and to heal our pain and to learn how to parent our inner child. All things that no one's ever been taught how to do. A lot of people haven't been taught how to do. So I acknowledge you for showing up. I know this is challenging work, and the fact that you are in service to want to support and help people in their healing journey is such a gift. So I acknowledge you in being that gift to so many people. I appreciate you and your friendship. So glad I've made the texting communication still. You haven't come out of your life yet, I'm so happy.

• 1:39:12Lewis Howes?

  And my final question is, what's your definition of greatness?

• 1:39:17Speaker 01

  Daring to be real and authentic. That's greatness for me.

• 1:39:23Lewis Howes?

  Dr. Shafali, appreciate you. Thank you, love. Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I hope you found value. I'm such a big fan of Dr. Shafali. I love who she is a person, her work, her message. Make sure to check out her book and follow her over on social media as well. Tag me and Dr. Shafali over on Instagram. If you share this out with your friends, would love to see who is listening and who is sharing. So please tag me. I try to keep in touch with as many people as possible. Text a few friends right now. This link, lewishouse.com/1110. Or just copy and paste this link wherever you're listening to this episode on Apple, Spotify, and please subscribe over on Apple Podcasts to this show. By subscribing and leaving a review, you continue to help us spread the message of greatness to more people.

• 1:40:07Lewis Howes?

  And that's what this is all about, helping impact as many people as we can together. So if you enjoyed this, please, it would mean a lot to me to click that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts right now for the School of Greatness. Leave a review with your biggest takeaway from today's episode with Dr. Shafali. And if you want inspirational messages sent to your phone every single week to keep you on track with your goals and on track with your dreams and motivated, then text me the word PODCAST right now to this number, 614-350-3960. And I want to leave you with this quote from Brittany Bergunder, who said, "Hold yourself back or heal yourself back together. You decide." Ooh, love that quote. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

• 1:40:52Lewis Howes?

  I'm so grateful for you, and you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.