MBMBaM 777: Preparation Hoops

You’re a winner with our JACKPOT of an episode, featuring wild stream-of-consciousness stories about destroying microwaves, horny lattes, BYOP (bring your own parmesan), and a bonus update to Justin’s suppository adventure. Suggested talking points: Her-merroids, Marcel Sweetcheeks, The Peristaltic Foreman, Cheezing Fee, Did You Creamy?, You Can't Add Awoogas World Central Kitchen: https://wck.org/

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

• 1:10Travis McElroy?

  Hello, everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me. It's an advice show for the modern era and I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

• 1:18Travis McElroy?

  I'm your middlest brother Travis McElroy, period.

• 1:21Griffin McElroy?

  I'm your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, media luminary, Griffin McElroy. Cha-ching, cha-ching.

• 1:27Travis McElroy?

  What?

• 1:27Griffin McElroy?

  You've hit the, you hit the jackpot. I, on this episode 777, it's your lucky day, pal. Cause we're, we're about to, what's wrong, Trav?

• 1:39Travis McElroy?

  I was just thinking for this one, maybe we could try doing like a really professional, right down the middle. This is, like we've always said, this isn't your daddy's podcast, but this would be your daddy's podcast.

• 1:50Travis McElroy?

  We never really, we have a tag this time. We can talk about 777. That's something.

• 1:56Griffin McElroy?

  And we never get to do like numerology stuff. Yeah. We forget, but this one seems like it writes it's like, we won't have to go, Trav, come over here.

• 2:05Travis McElroy?

  Okay.

• 2:05Griffin McElroy?

  Cause I don't want them to hear.

• 2:06Travis McElroy?

  Okay.

• 2:07Griffin McElroy?

  We won't have to come up with as many jokes.

• 2:09Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 2:10Griffin McElroy?

  If we can lean on our sort of numerology.

• 2:12Travis McElroy?

  Okay. Can we do it in like a professional, mature way, you think?

• 2:16Griffin McElroy?

  I don't understand why this is the ti- this is the time in the moment.

• 2:20Travis McElroy?

  Let's speak on-

• 2:20Griffin McElroy?

  Save that for seven, seven, eight. That's a great angle for seven, seven, eight.

• 2:24Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 2:24Griffin McElroy?

  We don't have the numbers.

• 2:25Travis McElroy?

  Let's speak on-

• 2:26Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, and for seventy-nine, we could talk about how that's why nine is afraid of- Six is afraid of seven. We love this. We'll get the joke right-

• 2:33Travis McElroy?

  Seven, eight, nine will actually be funny. That will be good.

• 2:35Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, great. Because it's another number one and there's less joke-

• 2:38Travis McElroy?

  That's the one we don't have to come up with. I, I was curious if the last time these like beautiful sevens had lined up was, of course, we all remember episode seventy-seven.

• 2:47Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 2:48Travis McElroy?

  Which was called-

• 2:50Griffin McElroy?

  The lucky one.

• 2:51Travis McElroy?

  The whole shebang. And that was from twenty-eleven. And I was curious if we had done some like, some stuff about seven stuff. Like, I just didn't want to retread.

• 3:00Griffin McElroy?

  Well, okay, two's not as, two's not as exciting. Yeah, look back to episode seven. Did we talk about the movie Seven a lot and like what's in the box?

• 3:09Travis McElroy?

  In, in seventy-seven, we said, "Cut a hole in some sheets. Cut a holes in a sheet. Candy and apple. Bob it and get ready. It's H time."

• 3:19Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 3:19Travis McElroy?

  I don't think it was about-

• 3:20Griffin McElroy?

  A hundred percent sure if we were different guys-

• 3:22Travis McElroy?

  But I'm using this to make a point. I actually, I brought this out because I was hoping we said something about seven. But like, I do want to make a point. This was fourteen fucking years ago.

• 3:33Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 3:33Travis McElroy?

  And we are still just grasping for anything to talk about in the first five minutes of the show.

• 3:39Griffin McElroy?

  It's funny, I'm looking at the transcript for episode seven right now, and let me see. Um, what about men's rights? No one ever talks about men's rights. Yeah. Um- Well, we were groundbreaking at that point. Yeah, we were the first ones talking about, talking about men's rights. I'm more interested now in men's wrongs. You know what I mean? Yeah, there's been plenty of men's lefts. What? I need them to. I need them to. Yeah. Men at work. I doubt it. I need, I need the men's to have lefts. Oh. And so in episode seven thousand seven hundred seventy-seven, we're gonna look back on this a hundred and forty years in the future and be like, what the fuck does that even mean? Yeah. Well, by then, all the men will be gone. Sure.

• 4:23Travis McElroy?

  Let's hope. Uh, I had a brief update for everybody about my hemorrhoids. I did notice-

• 4:31Griffin McElroy?

  Justin, please, hero-roids.

• 4:33Travis McElroy?

  Hero-roids, thank you. We're erasing.

• 4:37Travis McElroy?

  So I, that video popped up this week. We just happened to pop up the video about uh, me debating whether or not I was gonna use suppositories on my hemorrhoids. And I, I do have to, when you do a show like ours, it's very much true of consciousness, there is a sort of walk of shame that happens. When you see that pop up, you're like, aw, Justin.

• 4:58Griffin McElroy?

  We don't, we don't pick the clips. We should make it clear. The three of us don't. Uh, our wonderful, uh, like video team and social folks help figure that out for us, which is great, because that means less that I have to listen to the show. The choice sometimes to put you and your butt wounds specifically to lift that up in front of the algo.

• 5:21Travis McElroy?

  I think the incorrect assumption they make, ha, ha, ha, is that Justin wouldn't bring it up on the show unless it was a choice he was making that he was proud of and wanted to be surfaced. And I think this is jazz.

• 5:33Travis McElroy?

  Record button has been pressed. I have to talk for an hour.

• 5:37Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, it's a huge thing. Especially the last 15 minutes. There's no accountability.

• 5:42Travis McElroy?

  And the first five minutes.

• 5:44Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, the first five minutes and the last 15, there should be no accountability for the very private things we discuss.

• 5:50Travis McElroy?

  So I did do, I did get them. I, not on purpose, but I did call them into a pharmacy out. So like, I was like way out. I did not need to be spotted.

• 6:06Griffin McElroy?

  That's, that's, that's where Dustin Gackelroy gets his pills. When he needs a little bit of discretion.

• 6:12Travis McElroy?

  He's extreme and loves putting pills up his butt. Good evening. My name is Marcel Sweetcheeks and I believe you have a prescription for my selection.

• 6:23Travis McElroy?

  And I, I am not sitting pretty.

• 6:28Travis McElroy?

  Doughnuts asked me to take a seat without my hemorrhoid donut. So I go into the, damn it. I shouldn't have said. Rachel edit it out, the specific pharmacy.

• 6:41Griffin McElroy?

  No one would have known that was the name of an actual place.

• 6:43Travis McElroy?

  I know, that's why I had to cut it out.

• 6:45Griffin McElroy?

  But if you hadn't said it, it sounded like you forgot the word pharmacy.

• 6:49Travis McElroy?

  This is edited.

• 6:51Travis McElroy?

  It's not edited. Pharmacy, I get, I go to the pharmacy, I get, I don't want people to know where the pharmacy I go to. Okay, whatever. There's probably not that many pharmacies.

• 7:01Travis McElroy?

  Anyway.

• 7:01Griffin McElroy?

  That's true.

• 7:03Travis McElroy?

  So I get the suppositories. They look like the ends of number two pencils.

• 7:10Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 7:11Travis McElroy?

  Like the top inch and a half of a number two pencil.

• 7:14Griffin McElroy?

  The right and end or the, or the straight?

• 7:16Travis McElroy?

  The right and end, but we're good with that because we do want, well.

• 7:21Griffin McElroy?

  A tapered experience.

• 7:22Travis McElroy?

  A taper is welcome. USA tapers welcome.

• 7:26Griffin McElroy?

  But no flare, no flare at the bottom of this one?

• 7:28Travis McElroy?

  No flare at the bottom of this one. So, so it's like a bullet. It's a bullet. It's a bullet. It's a bullet.

• 7:33Griffin McElroy?

  That's how people, I hope, describe our show. A fine tapered experience for easy.

• 7:37Travis McElroy?

  No flare.

• 7:38Griffin McElroy?

  Insertion, no flare.

• 7:40Travis McElroy?

  Well, come as no surprise to you folks at home, I have a physician living in the house with me. So I asked her, I said, so like, what?

• 7:49Travis McElroy?

  What do I do? And she said, I mean, you just.

• 7:53Griffin McElroy?

  Go.

• 7:54Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, it's a pretty, it seems a pretty one step process to me, Jamie. Yeah. It's a cool trap. Remember that?

• 8:01Griffin McElroy?

  Round peg, round hole.

• 8:02Travis McElroy?

  No, no, no, no, hold on. Griffin, you go ahead with yours.

• 8:05Griffin McElroy?

  Round peg, round hole.

• 8:07Travis McElroy?

  Okay. Thank you.

• 8:09Griffin McElroy?

  Easy.

• 8:10Travis McElroy?

  Easy. And that's what she says to me. Easy. So I don't do it for a while.

• 8:16Griffin McElroy?

  Did she say, is it tapered for your comfort?

• 8:19Travis McElroy?

  Didn't even ask. Here's that. I just told you the entirety of the conversation and that will become important soon.

• 8:25Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 8:25Travis McElroy?

  So she says, yes.

• 8:27Griffin McElroy?

  Skip over the part, if you do put it in your butt, can we like tastefully, I'm not on Travis's like grown up.

• 8:33Travis McElroy?

  Windows with curtains blowing and then come back?

• 8:36Griffin McElroy?

  Give us the story from Sid's POV so we don't have to.

• 8:39Travis McElroy?

  I literally can't. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will. I will. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:45Griffin McElroy?

  Tasteful editing, that's all I'm asking.

• 8:46Travis McElroy?

  I will. So.

• 8:49Travis McElroy?

  A random morning that had no real significance to me, Sidney McElroy. I'm in the kitchen, taking care of our children.

• 8:58Travis McElroy?

  Is there a bird outside the window? How's the sunrise?

• 9:01Travis McElroy?

  For school in the morning, right? I'm working hard and I'm getting my kids ready for school. There is an announcement throughout the speaker on the home speaker system and it sounds like this.

• 9:13Travis McElroy?

  Sid, come to the bathroom, please. I need your help.

• 9:16Travis McElroy?

  Jesus, man.

• 9:18Travis McElroy?

  When Sidney comes to the bathroom, she finds me, Justin McElroy, with my pants around my ankles, laying on the floor, sweating as though I've just been drenched in a bucket of mop water.

• 9:32Travis McElroy?

  And like a weird ice bucket challenge.

• 9:34Travis McElroy?

  Trying to rend the shirt from my chest so I could breathe again. That's what Sidney walks into. So here's the thing about putting in a suppository.

• 9:43Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, go on gang.

• 9:44Travis McElroy?

  Should, you should not do it standing up.

• 9:49Travis McElroy?

  Oh, yeah, that's not the way.

• 9:52Travis McElroy?

  If you do it standing up, you can press a thing or do it a wrong, well, if this can happen regardless, but the reason we don't do it standing up is while the suppository is going in, you can, Sidney called it vagaling. And basically you press the wrong tube in there and you basically explode your whole butt. You, your blood pressure gets fucked up. You can't stand, you burst into a sweat and you basically have to lie down on the ground because you think you're gonna die for putting the pill in your butt wrong.

• 10:27Travis McElroy?

  Uh huh.

• 10:27Travis McElroy?

  Your wife said you couldn't do it wrong. She said, just pop it in there. She did not say loop it up. She did not say lay down. She said just pop it. She didn't say mind the vagaling because you could fucking die, hoops.

• 10:45Travis McElroy?

  Do you think you're stronger now than you were before?

• 10:47Travis McElroy?

  She remembered the conversation exactly. When she walked in the bathroom, she knew. She knew what she had done.

• 10:55Griffin McElroy?

  She was like, oh, the bacon.

• 10:56Travis McElroy?

  When she heard the announcement on the Alexa, she knew.

• 10:59Travis McElroy?

  She was like, she was like, oh, my God, he vagled. What did I do? Oh, my God, he beg him, my sweet boy. She thought she was gonna walk into a big pile of blood. You know?

• 11:09Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 11:10Travis McElroy?

  Oh, Justin.

• 11:12Griffin McElroy?

  And now I have to Google vagling.

• 11:14Travis McElroy?

  I don't know.

• 11:15Travis McElroy?

  So the good news, now you have this, if like, when someone talks about like how hard childbirth is, you can be like, well, I put a suppository up my butt wrong, so I understand like 10% of it.

• 11:26Travis McElroy?

  I, here's the only thing I'll say about the suppository. This is the tip for the future. This is the only challenge with it. It's not putting it up there. It's that there is a certain point where your body says, I will take it from here. And you don't know exactly what that point is. And if you guess it wrong, your body's like, no, no. But then at a certain point, your body's like, yes. Now it is inside me. I will take it from here.

• 11:50Griffin McElroy?

  You, you, you gotta trust the peristaltic foreman inside your body that's like, oh, all right, boys, bang it up.

• 11:58Travis McElroy?

  This is what we practice for, guys. Let's do it. Just like I told you.

• 12:05Travis McElroy?

  Hey, this is why we train, guys. This is why we train.

• 12:09Griffin McElroy?

  Esophagus is like, we heard it was medicine time. We're ready and raring to go. Don't worry, boys.

• 12:14Travis McElroy?

  We've got this round.

• 12:16Griffin McElroy?

  Take the day off.

• 12:17Travis McElroy?

  It's easier to teach it. It's easier to teach an anus to dissolve a pill than it is to teach an esophagus to cure hemorrhoids. It's like the Armageddon thing, you see?

• 12:27Griffin McElroy?

  Right, yeah.

• 12:27Travis McElroy?

  Do you think when that happens, the foreman of your butthole feels like when a defensive tackle gets an interception and runs it in for a touchdown? And he's like, I'm never gonna do this.

• 12:37Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, yeah. Medicine? What a treat.

• 12:40Travis McElroy?

  It was a presence too. There's a, you're aware of a presence.

• 12:44Griffin McElroy?

  The Lord, it sounds like, because you had an N D E on your bathroom floor.

• 12:49Travis McElroy?

  Holy crap, though. But can I tell you guys?

• 12:51Travis McElroy?

  Please.

• 12:51Travis McElroy?

  The, the combination of.

• 12:56Travis McElroy?

  The combination of learning that I was not dying.

• 13:00Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 13:01Travis McElroy?

  And learning that I, my wife had messed up in a way where I was right about something and she was wrong.

• 13:09Griffin McElroy?

  A doc, a medical thing.

• 13:10Travis McElroy?

  A medical doctor and I no longer had pain in my anus. I could have lifted a fucking truck, guys. I was invulnerable that day, dude. I was right. Do you know how rarely Sydney messes up? It's like never. So I had that.

• 13:25Griffin McElroy?

  Why been 777 episodes?

• 13:28Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, yeah. This is a first and like, I got a brand new shirt on because I sweated through the last one. That's kind of like a.

• 13:35Griffin McElroy?

  That feels good.

• 13:36Travis McElroy?

  It's like null, but like a clean shirt, like.

• 13:38Griffin McElroy?

  It feels nice.

• 13:39Travis McElroy?

  It was feeling really good for the rest of the day until I realized I would have to tell you guys about it.

• 13:42Griffin McElroy?

  You know what you got, Justin? Triple seven jackpot, baby.

• 13:46Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, baby. And that's the kind of promise that we're making you on this episode. Everything's coming up you.

• 13:52Griffin McElroy?

  I also don't know if you've noticed, but the video that we did post of you talking about your hemorrhoids did get some actual interaction, I believe on TikTok with the Preparation H account. This is a brand partnership that I think we've all been waiting for Preparation Hoops special. It'll be like, um, it'll be like the McDonald's meals where it's like, I'm Travis Scott and this is how I fuck around.

• 14:15Travis McElroy?

  Or like a shaccaroni pizza. Dude, I, I would be such a good spokesperson for Preparation H. Just clip this out, y'all. You can use it for free. Hi, it's Justin McRoy. When I'm packing a bag for travel, here's my rule. The first thing should be, you pack should be the last thing you'd ever want to ask for. That's why Preparation H is the first thing in every bag I have. I probably have seven tubes of it, just lying around like a smoker who swears they're gonna quit soon, man. I got Preparation H all over this place. I'd be dead without it.

• 14:45Griffin McElroy?

  Dead drop.

• 14:46Travis McElroy?

  Justin has it in the lining of his suitcase like a smuggler. Click my link below to head on to the shop to use my special code to get the package with my face on it. Right. And they'll come to you from China. I don't know why they're doing that. I, I asked them to not do that.

• 15:00Griffin McElroy?

  It, I think you could offer, this SKU could really stand out on a store shelf if you didn't have to go to the pharmacy and say like, let me get some Preparation H for my ruined bung. And instead, you could just walk up and be like, let me get some of that hoops goop.

• 15:14Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 15:15Griffin McElroy?

  And be like, I don't know what that is.

• 15:17Travis McElroy?

  And listed as like a performance enhancer.

• 15:20Griffin McElroy?

  Performance enhancer, yeah.

• 15:21Travis McElroy?

  Maybe all, maybe this is kinda like the Coke thing where you like, give a buddy a Coke, give a pal a Coke. Maybe the H could stand for something different on each of the packaging. So like, mine could be like Preparation Hoops, but you could be like Preparation Hug, or like Preparation Helping, you know what I mean?

• 15:39Travis McElroy?

  Preparation Hemorrhoid.

• 15:41Travis McElroy?

  Well, see, that is what.

• 15:42Griffin McElroy?

  I think that's maybe.

• 15:43Travis McElroy?

  Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:45Travis McElroy?

  That has been my suspicion from the beginning, yeah. I started a new job a little over a month ago. I really liked the job, but I have made a huge whoopsie. This morning, I used the microwave to warm up my breakfast. However, when I pushed in the lever to open the door, it wouldn't open. No matter how hard I pushed the lever or pulled the door, I assumed it was broken and I pried the door open with my hands and a pocket knife. Only after I destroyed this poor microwave, did I see the button that said lock slash unlock. Nobody saw what happened.

• 16:20Griffin McElroy?

  That's really, really, really rough, man.

• 16:24Travis McElroy?

  Nobody saw what happened. A lead walked by afterwards and I said, hey, this microwave is broken. He looks at the damage and says, oh man, they're gonna be mad. This thing was brand new. This happened first thing in the morning, so they're blaming night shift. Dear brothers, what do I do? That's from Micro screwed in SoCal.

• 16:44Travis McElroy?

  First, can I compliment you? I wanna give big props to you for using the passive voice of this microwave is broken.

• 16:53Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 16:53Travis McElroy?

  That was a good first step.

• 16:55Griffin McElroy?

  That's strong.

• 16:56Travis McElroy?

  Broken this microwave is.

• 16:58Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 17:00Griffin McElroy?

  Don't, Justin, please.

• 17:02Travis McElroy?

  Sorry.

• 17:02Griffin McElroy?

  Please don't counter him.

• 17:05Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, man, you stabbed him. If the knife hadn't been part of it, if you had just like, broken it a little bit.

• 17:12Travis McElroy?

  Certainly not the knife.

• 17:15Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, if you've been like, the door got weird and I don't think it's working anymore, you have plausible deniability. If you insert a blade into this thing, you can't say that's unrelated.

• 17:25Travis McElroy?

  If you're a, if you're a knife person.

• 17:29Travis McElroy?

  Everything looks like something gets stabbed with a knife. The problem is, I see, I see knife as like an extension of me. So I don't really think of it as an escalation so much as it is my like claws or a sack.

• 17:42Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 17:42Travis McElroy?

  It's what you would do. I always have it, so it doesn't count. Like, I don't think the TSA should be able to take my knife.

• 17:49Griffin McElroy?

  No, you're a knife guy.

• 17:50Travis McElroy?

  My knife. This is my knife.

• 17:51Griffin McElroy?

  It's also, Justin, I have to say, the smallest knife I've ever seen.

• 17:54Travis McElroy?

  Exactly. I, I just want a little bit of a knife.

• 17:57Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 17:57Travis McElroy?

  He's not out there hunting crocodiles, Griffin.

• 18:00Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, he wants a treat, a little knife.

• 18:02Travis McElroy?

  Now, here's, I think, what this is too, is a perfect encapsulation of new job panic. When something goes wrong, because the fact that you went to stab, and I'm going to assume here because you didn't clarify, a plugged in microwave with a knife, that you weren't thinking about best case scenario. You were thinking about, how do I get away from this as quickly as possible before anyone in the office clocks that I have broken the microwave with a breakfast sandwich? Because if I'm at home and my breakfast sandwich gets stuck in the microwave, I'm like, well, time will fix this and I walk away.

• 18:44Travis McElroy?

  Um, alright, I'm just gonna pop off then, if we're not, if nobody's gonna talk about it.

• 18:49Griffin McElroy?

  Go king.

• 18:50Travis McElroy?

  Microwaves are horrible.

• 18:54Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, thank you so much, Justin.

• 18:56Travis McElroy?

  Microwaves are designed by maniacs for no one, okay? Here's the thing about microwave, right?

• 19:03Griffin McElroy?

  Say it.

• 19:05Travis McElroy?

  You wanna defrost, you wanna cook, you wanna...

• 19:09Griffin McElroy?

  That's it.

• 19:09Travis McElroy?

  That's it. There's cook it hot, cook it not as hot, two things. And then how long I wanna do it. That's it. The I, the fact that these fucking things all have a popcorn button and everyone universally knows, don't fuck, don't press that.

• 19:26Griffin McElroy?

  Fuck it up real bad.

• 19:27Travis McElroy?

  Don't press the popcorn button if you're making popcorn.

• 19:29Griffin McElroy?

  Can you imagine if you rolled up to a stove top in a kitchen and it was like, hey, we would love to give you selections for the heat. And how high you want the heat to go. Instead, we have one big button that says fish on it.

• 19:43Travis McElroy?

  Imagine you're making

• 19:44Griffin McElroy?

  hoping to do that.

• 19:46Travis McElroy?

  Imagine you're making stove top stuffing on the top of your stove and your mom comes in. She's like, no, God. It's like, what, mom? It's stove top stuffing. Yeah, but you don't make it on the top of the stove. Not stove top stuffing. That's the popcorn button. That's microwaves. That's where we're at.

• 20:02Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, it's terrible interface design and anyone, anyone could fix it.

• 20:06Travis McElroy?

  There's three things I ever want to do with this box. Why are you asking? The weight is what kills me. You think I'm gonna trust you, the microwave. I'm gonna tell you I have a pound and a half of chicken. And you're gonna be like, hmm, well, let me see. Fuck you. How about this?

• 20:22Travis McElroy?

  Carry one.

• 20:23Travis McElroy?

  Carry the one. How about this? How about every 15 seconds I open it to see if you burned it yet, idiot? Cause that's what I do every single time. I'm not gonna trust you with this.

• 20:35Travis McElroy?

  I assume that the, the lock unlock button is a safety feature to keep like kids from climbing into it, I guess.

• 20:42Griffin McElroy?

  Like little tiny microwave sized kids. Yeah, for sure.

• 20:45Travis McElroy?

  You shouldn't lock it.

• 20:47Travis McElroy?

  Um, yeah, I'm trying to figure out a scenario in which you're like, this is my microwave safe.

• 20:51Travis McElroy?

  Is it, is it an unlock? So you could open it while it's running? Is that the, is this, is this the feature? It's like, well, if you're sure, I guess you're an adult. Go for it, man. Unlock it.

• 21:03Travis McElroy?

  I think you did him a favor.

• 21:05Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, getting rid of this shitty microwave.

• 21:08Travis McElroy?

  You know what?

• 21:08Travis McElroy?

  This is sort of a good call.

• 21:09Travis McElroy?

  It's definitely under warranty though.

• 21:12Griffin McElroy?

  This is sort of a trolley problem for me where I need to know how many people are on the night shift.

• 21:17Travis McElroy?

  And is there a real stinker among them?

• 21:20Griffin McElroy?

  That is, well, that changes the math, I guess, a little bit, but I'm mostly thinking in terms of like, what? What share of the guilt are these people gonna carry? If it's three people, that's too much. And I think that you're like, those three people are gonna be looked at very suspiciously. If it's like five, six, seven folks, they can carry the weight of a microwave mystery amongst them. As long as there can be some doubt.

• 21:44Travis McElroy?

  I will say also, uh, it's next time.

• 21:49Travis McElroy?

  Next time, don't jump to a levering action. Perhaps an unscrewing or a deeper examination with the knife. If you have a multi-tool, maybe the world's smallest screwdriver. And you see if you could do that a bit. Levering is almost always, you know, you are going to break it. Like, the idea is like, it will break before you do.

• 22:09Griffin McElroy?

  Of all the simple, of all the simple machines, it is the one that can do certainly the most harm.

• 22:14Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 22:14Travis McElroy?

  I think it would be wild to have a microwave that's designed to be like, you can either push the button to open it or wedge something in the door.

• 22:21Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 22:22Travis McElroy?

  And kind of.

• 22:22Griffin McElroy?

  I'm determined with.

• 22:23Travis McElroy?

  Either one works.

• 22:25Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 22:26Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 22:26Griffin McElroy?

  You can either, you get a railroad spike and a gandy dancer to come over and frigging pound it in for you. Or you can press the lock, unlock button.

• 22:35Travis McElroy?

  Either one. The lock, unlock button is still bothering me because like, there is a state called on and off for this thing. And if it is on, this do not open. It should not be able to open. That should be as locked as it gets.

• 22:49Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. It shouldn't be on and unlocked. Those are two binary states that should never overlap.

• 22:55Travis McElroy?

  It's, you're basically turning it into a display case at that point. Like, I want to, I don't want to cook anything in it, but I don't want anybody to steal it. Like, I just want to keep it in here and hot.

• 23:06Griffin McElroy?

  Is that it? Is it an anti-theft mechanism? Because what are you gonna do? Use a locked microwave?

• 23:10Travis McElroy?

  Is it for like?

• 23:11Griffin McElroy?

  It's useless.

• 23:12Travis McElroy?

  You wouldn't download a boat.

• 23:14Travis McElroy?

  What?

• 23:15Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, for sure, man.

• 23:16Travis McElroy?

  Whenever I make Cooper a breakfast corn dog, though, she is like ready and raring to rip that out of there. And she will burn a mouth on it if she's hungry enough. Maybe that's it.

• 23:24Griffin McElroy?

  Well, a corn dog is a, is a, is a breakfast food. A breakfast corn dog is still same concept and sort of molecular structure. It's a, it's a hot, it's a lava hot core inside of a sort of obfuscating shell.

• 23:39Griffin McElroy?

  Another question.

• 23:40Travis McElroy?

  I love that Griffin. Whenever I order pasta at an Italian restaurant, the server always comes around with fresh Parmesan and says, tell me when to stop.

• 23:50Travis McElroy?

  The problem is I want an ungodly amount of Parm on my pasta. I'll sit there watching them, uh, grate for what feels like forever. And at some point I feel like the server gets uncomfortable and I worry they'll just stop without me saying anything. Brothers, how do I politely tell the server to quote, stop when I tell you to stop? And that's from passionate Parm lover. Okay. Okay. The first thing I do want to say is we don't need you guys to explain to us everyday occurrences. So like, if you were to like, we know when you go to an Italian restaurant and so it grates the Parmesan, you don't have, that's not something that happens special at your local spot. Or like,

• 24:32Travis McElroy?

  a quirky thing.

• 24:33Griffin McElroy?

  I go to the factory where the spaghetti is made. Thank you very much. They do it a little different here.

• 24:41Travis McElroy?

  So we do know about that. So you could just say like, when he's grating it up, like I'll know.

• 24:46Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 24:46Travis McElroy?

  You know?

• 24:47Griffin McElroy?

  We'll understand.

• 24:48Travis McElroy?

  We'll get it.

• 24:48Griffin McElroy?

  Just trust that we'll get that.

• 24:49Travis McElroy?

  We'll get it. Cause we all, we all think about this. Um, I think what he is wanting, what the server, uh, is wanting you to balance is your desire for cheese with your discomfort from taking more cheese than you are deserved. Like that you're owed. Cause you should know, obviously it's not your cheese. So there is an inbuilt guilt.

• 25:13Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 25:13Travis McElroy?

  And the, the waiter is asking, what's your limit for discomfort in taking my cheese?

• 25:19Travis McElroy?

  This is, I think if I were to ever open an Italian restaurant, first, it would be terrible. Don't eat there. But second, it would be bad. I don't, one, I don't know anything about running a restaurant. Two, I don't know like how to make food. So, but I would have a rule of like, if you grate more than 10 seconds, it becomes a side and there will be an upcharge for it. You could do it.

• 25:42Griffin McElroy?

  Interesting.

• 25:43Travis McElroy?

  But at this point, you've now added a new element to the pasta is now an ingredient. It's a side.

• 25:50Griffin McElroy?

  My, mine would be, I would make the server move the, the grinder all around. And so you have to move the pasta bowl underneath it to try and catch, to catch all of it. And if you drop too much on the table, it ends, the game ends.

• 26:03Travis McElroy?

  What would you guys think about this move? Okay.

• 26:07Travis McElroy?

  What were we talking about?

• 26:08Travis McElroy?

  Sorry, what were we?

• 26:08Travis McElroy?

  Parmesan.

• 26:09Travis McElroy?

  Parmesan.

• 26:09Travis McElroy?

  Okay, okay, thank you, thank you.

• 26:11Travis McElroy?

  What would you think about this move? Why don't you let me take the helm? Let me take the stick on this one.

• 26:16Travis McElroy?

  Oh, grab it.

• 26:17Travis McElroy?

  Oh. No, you don't grab it, you don't grab it, Griffin. We don't, we don't grab. But you say, I'll do the cranking. Let me crank it. Right? Because my worry would be whatever, whether it's a grating motion or a cranking motion, their arm's gonna get tired if you get the amount of parm that you want. Right? But you say, let me do it. You tell me when to stop.

• 26:39Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I like it, you say, I like it chunky. I like a chunky grind.

• 26:44Travis McElroy?

  It's not, it's not the grinding they mind. It's the fact that they have to walk back to the kitchen. Once this cheese is done, they have to go get more. So every nanosecond of cheese you're getting is condemning this person to walking back sooner. Like, you're giving them a chore, right? That's the balance. You're balancing that with how much delicious salty zesty Parmesan you want.

• 27:05Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, that's gonna make the pasta taste.

• 27:07Travis McElroy?

  That's fine.

• 27:08Travis McElroy?

  The pasta tastes so good.

• 27:09Travis McElroy?

  What about a pre-tip? What about a pre-tip? Where you're like, listen, I'm, you're gonna grate and you're gonna be grating so long that you're gonna think I've forgotten to tell you to stop. But my friend Jackson here is gonna get added to the tip if you just keep going. Until I tell you to stop.

• 27:29Travis McElroy?

  With that is, if I realize that someone is doing a protracted bit with a server like that, and that's what it feels like to me, it doesn't feel like a, a, there, it's not a common courtesy. Because courtesy would be just having enough cheese, right? We wave goodbye to courtesy. You're not being courteous by saying like, just for courtesy's sake, I'm a total, it's the dog in me and I will just go ahead and eat all the crummy cheese you have and like, I'll bite my, and I might, just to be a gentleman up front, I might bite your hand if you take the cheese away, cuz I love the cheesy, if you know what I mean.

• 28:07Travis McElroy?

  Okay, then just call ahead before you get there and say, hey, is it okay if I bring my own grater and Parmesan with me? I don't want to use up your guys' Parmesan, and I know I've got that dog in me when it comes to the grated cheese. So I'll bring my own from home, and if there's any leftover and anyone around me, even at other tables wants some, I'll take care of that, too. I'm not trying to be greedy.

• 28:30Griffin McElroy?

  Do you offer a sort of 401k Parmesan matching program? Where you will, however much I bring, you also will add to the dish, because I can't get enough of this fucking salty dog.

• 28:42Travis McElroy?

  A lot of restaurants will have corking fees, where you could bring your own bottle of wine, and you just have to pay to like open it and drink it. They should have that with cheeses.

• 28:50Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that's cool. You could also do, I really like the useful hack of whenever I get a haircut that looks good, I'll take a picture of it so I can show the barber next time. Maybe when you get an ideal cheese pour, you take a picture of that, and when someone says, tell me when to stop, you'd be like, up, up, up, up, up? Just this much, please. This is the perfect amount. My boy Tony hooked me up last time I was here. Are you gonna play ball, or what's up?

• 29:12Travis McElroy?

  Okay, when I open my own Italian restaurant-

• 29:13Griffin McElroy?

  I've had some trouble in the past with some of your less generous coworkers. Gotten some look, some looky-loosie I didn't appreciate.

• 29:20Travis McElroy?

  When I open my own Italian restaurant, we will have a cheesing fee.

• 29:24Griffin McElroy?

  Pay a scene for me.

• 29:26Travis McElroy?

  We can, first of all, it's not good, is that it's being run very poorly, it's either overstaffed or understaffed at any given time. I can't, I can't seem to find the right amount of people to have. But, we will have a cheesing fee, where for a fee, you can bring any cheese or cheese-flavored thing you want to put on your pasta. No judgment. You want to come and crunch up some Cheetos over your pasta?

• 29:53Griffin McElroy?

  That's cool.

• 29:54Travis McElroy?

  It's yours, man, do it. You know what I mean?

• 29:57Griffin McElroy?

  The chef, they should bring the chef out to watch you do it, though.

• 30:00Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, that's what the fee includes.

• 30:02Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, gosh. Counseling for the poor chef.

• 30:06Travis McElroy?

  I, if you gave, if they said, I'll stop when you say when, if you gave them like one little look, and just like, that's great, but fair warning, I got that dog in me. And a little bit of a wink, would that get you thrown out?

• 30:18Griffin McElroy?

  I think they'd like it.

• 30:20Travis McElroy?

  I said the same thing, but you're paying them money for it, Justin? You're doing, your version is, do it.

• 30:26Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 30:26Travis McElroy?

  But wink at them.

• 30:27Griffin McElroy?

  But like- Tipping is so uncomfortable. It makes it dirty, offering the-

• 30:32Travis McElroy?

  Yours had a wink in it.

• 30:34Griffin McElroy?

  It's not a tip, it's a bribe.

• 30:34Travis McElroy?

  The money makes it dirty.

• 30:36Travis McElroy?

  Justin.

• 30:37Travis McElroy?

  The joke makes it, the joke makes it dirty.

• 30:39Griffin McElroy?

  The joke and the money makes it dirty and a dirty bribe. And I think they should get paid, but I think they'll also just.

• 30:46Travis McElroy?

  We should pay servers a living wage. Thank you.

• 30:48Griffin McElroy?

  We should pay servers a living wage. Brave and bold.

• 30:50Travis McElroy?

  Yes, thank you.

• 30:52Griffin McElroy?

  Can we go to the money zone? Cause I also think we should get paid.

• 30:54Travis McElroy?

  I love getting paid.

• 30:56Griffin McElroy?

  Great.

• 31:06Travis McElroy?

  I got a new kitty.

• 31:09Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 31:10Travis McElroy?

  She's two months old. Her name is Jazin. We've had her for about three days. She's great and I love her.

• 31:18Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 31:19Travis McElroy?

  I'm looking forward.

• 31:20Griffin McElroy?

  I'm on the, I'm still undecided. I, it, but it takes me a while sometimes.

• 31:24Travis McElroy?

  You're undecided on whether you love my kitty or not?

• 31:26Griffin McElroy?

  Sweet, pretty kitty, but like, there's a lot of time for the, for the apple cart to spoil.

• 31:32Travis McElroy?

  That's true. You have a like hundred different point metric that you use.

• 31:36Griffin McElroy?

  It's prove it to me. Yeah. Prove it to, show me what, show me what you got, kid.

• 31:40Travis McElroy?

  But I'm excited. Maybe, I'm not gonna say the whole reason I got a kitty was to try some Smalls, but I've heard such good things from Justin.

• 31:48Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 31:49Travis McElroy?

  His kitties love it and it gives that ability to maintain consistency with food while still changing up the flavors and keeping your cat all interested and hooked on it. And I'm really looking forward to it.

• 32:03Travis McElroy?

  Mm hmm. It's been a great relationship between us and the cats and Smalls. Everything has been better since we started serving them wet food. Like Travis said, you can pace out how much you're feeding them. Their coats have looked better. Uh, and I feel good about the stuff that we're giving them. And you know, there, well, uh, there's like little bonus in there. Sometimes like there's a, some treats in there. It's fun. Kids like, the kitties love that. They'll go digging for the treats. It's fun.

• 32:28Griffin McElroy?

  Justin's kitties hate my fucking guts and that is because they know I will, I do not hook them up with Smalls and they've told me as much.

• 32:36Travis McElroy?

  For a limited time only, because you are one of our beloved listeners, you can get 60% off your first Smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash my brother. That's 60% off when you head to smalls.com slash my brother plus free shipping. Again, that's smalls.com slash my brother.

• 32:55Griffin McElroy?

  Summertime's wrapping up and we're all panicking and freaking out about all the stuff on our big summer list that we were gonna get around to.

• 33:03Travis McElroy?

  I did it all.

• 33:04Griffin McElroy?

  Said this, well, that's good for you Travis, you.

• 33:08Travis McElroy?

  Cause I said, have fun. That was the only thing on my list. Have fun.

• 33:13Griffin McElroy?

  Mine was more ambitious, ride the big roller coaster.

• 33:17Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, you did say that, yeah.

• 33:19Griffin McElroy?

  There was learn to, learn to swim, have my first kiss.

• 33:26Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, get taller was on your list, which I thought was weird.

• 33:29Griffin McElroy?

  Get taller while having a first special kiss and like a lot of stuff.

• 33:34Travis McElroy?

  You said you wanted your first kiss to be like the Spider-Man kiss. Specifically from Tobey Maguire.

• 33:41Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 33:42Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. You wanted to be Kirsten Dunst, right?

• 33:44Griffin McElroy?

  And I haven't, I haven't gotten around to fetching my special baseball hat out of old man Murphy's yard with the junkyard dog. But if I'm gonna have time to do that shit, then I can't be wasting time in the kitchen. Cook, cooking up meals, doing prep, doing all the stuff that I absolutely hate to do in there. I wanna eat good food. I don't have time to do it because Mr. Murphy's junkyard dog is so scary and I have to learn how to run real fast to get away from them.

• 34:13Travis McElroy?

  You need PF Flyers Griffin, I told you. You gotta, you gotta get them.

• 34:17Griffin McElroy?

  My feet are too fucking wide for traditional baseball shoes.

• 34:21Travis McElroy?

  I know Griffin.

• 34:22Griffin McElroy?

  Damn it. And you know that and you embarrassed me on purpose. But Factor is where I go to get delicious chef prep meals that are delivered right to my door. So I don't have to stress out about the time I'm wasting in the kitchen when I need to be training for dog survival. Uh, they got over 65 weekly meals to choose from. And, uh, I don't think they send you 65 meals. That would be a really tremendous amount of food. Maybe there's some way to request that. Um, but they have so many different meal options regardless of your diet. They got premium seafood choices like salmon and shrimp, no extra cost. Uh, just flavors from all around this big, beautiful world of ours. Uh, I've, I've used Factor and.

• 35:05Griffin McElroy?

  The food genuinely is quite good. It's always sort of a crap shoot, I know, with certain services like this, and Factor's one of the good ones.

• 35:15Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 35:15Griffin McElroy?

  So what we want you to do is eat smart at factormeals.com/brther50off and use code brother50off to get 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. That's code brother50off at factormeals.com for 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. Get delicious regular meals delivered with Factor. Offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase. I'm bold of them to think that we can handle that level of disclaiming, but I feel like we stuck the landing completely.

• 35:50Speaker 04

  Nice job, Griff.

• 35:52Griffin McElroy?

  Thank you.

• 35:55Speaker 04

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• 36:39Speaker 05

  Hello?

• 36:39Speaker 06

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• 36:43Speaker 05

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• 36:44Speaker 06

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• 36:49Speaker 05

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• 37:08Speaker 06

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• 37:09Speaker 05

  Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, mother. This is musical theatre, not a Parisian bordello.

• 37:15Speaker 06

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• 37:18Speaker 05

  I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat!

• 37:24Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, what do we, what's this juice?

• 37:33Travis McElroy?

  I wanna look at Sabrina Carpenter's mouth! I don't. Make my brothers look at Sabrina Carpenter's mouth! There's a string of saliva in the picture.

• 37:44Griffin McElroy?

  It is.

• 37:45Travis McElroy?

  You remember when you could sell donuts without blowjob ads? Neither does Dunkin' Donuts.

• 37:51Griffin McElroy?

  Jesus Christ.

• 37:52Travis McElroy?

  Guess who's back, back again? More like Junk Car Blow Nuts. This fall, Dunkin' is taking mornings back to where they began with the clink of a spoon in a cereal bowl. That's... What does that have to do? Crazy as Miss Carpenter. It's the craziest fucking sentence! Dunkin' is taking mornings back to where they began? What in the fuck could that mean? To when the fucking primordial ooze slipped out of the ocean? To when God called, "Let there be life." Yeah. Watching Nationwide today, the all-new cereal milk latte transforms that memory of the beginning of time into a sweet nostalgic slip.

• 38:33Griffin McElroy?

  Why did you have to screen share this extreme close-up on Sabrina Carpenter's mouth way before you were gonna...

• 38:39Speaker 07

  Hello there Dunkin' Daydream Hotline, what can I do for you today?

• 38:46Speaker 07

  Oh.

• 38:50Speaker 07

  You're hot. I see.

• 38:56Speaker 07

  I think I know what you're really craving.

• 39:01Speaker 07

  A strawberry daydream refresher.

• 39:11Speaker 07

  I'm sorry, did you... Creamy cold foam and strawberry bliss. Sabrina strawberry daydream refresher.

• 39:16Griffin McElroy?

  I'm sorry, so what was the cutoff there? Did you bust?

• 39:19Travis McElroy?

  What?

• 39:20Griffin McElroy?

  What is, why did it cut off?

• 39:22Travis McElroy?

  The video that's playing right now? I mean, is it... No, no, no, when she was talking. I just... No, she was talking to him. Okay, okay, I'll rewind it, I'll rewind it, I'll rewind it, here.

• 39:33Speaker 07

  I'm sorry, did you creamy cold foam?

• 39:35Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 39:35Griffin McElroy?

  Did you creamy?

• 39:37Travis McElroy?

  So like.

• 39:38Griffin McElroy?

  So the suggestion.

• 39:39Travis McElroy?

  So the suggestion is the man he's.

• 39:41Griffin McElroy?

  She's talking to jizzes? Do you remember earlier, listener, when I said, remember when you could sell donuts without a blowjob ad? And you thought, oh, Justin's being a little puerile?

• 39:52Travis McElroy?

  Not really. I mean.

• 39:53Griffin McElroy?

  The man busts.

• 39:54Travis McElroy?

  Really, the man busts in in the.

• 39:56Griffin McElroy?

  A man busted on my Dunkin ad. A man busted on my donut commercial.

• 40:01Travis McElroy?

  All I'm saying.

• 40:03Griffin McElroy?

  All I'm gonna say.

• 40:04Travis McElroy?

  The man busted.

• 40:04Griffin McElroy?

  That's nonsense. I mean.

• 40:06Travis McElroy?

  At some point.

• 40:07Griffin McElroy?

  Nonsense.

• 40:07Travis McElroy?

  A room full of people watched this finished product. And I'm going to bet unanimously said, yes, that's exactly how we want to do it.

• 40:18Griffin McElroy?

  Exactly it. The man should. How much of the man busting?

• 40:21Travis McElroy?

  And then one guy in the back was like, and what I had, a booyang.

• 40:25Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 40:26Travis McElroy?

  And can I add one arugah? No, Jim, you can't. How long have you been the CEO of this company? You know, you can't add arugas.

• 40:33Griffin McElroy?

  I appreciate Sabrina Carpenter's brand a lot.

• 40:35Travis McElroy?

  You do?

• 40:36Griffin McElroy?

  Requires a certain suspension of disbelief.

• 40:39Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 40:39Griffin McElroy?

  That talking to someone on the telephone about a cold and frothy beverage being offered at the local donut restaurant would be enough to make you bust in. Juice, show me the time code on the moment of the busting, because I think it's like 20 seconds. That's crazy, dude.

• 40:55Travis McElroy?

  I also.

• 40:56Griffin McElroy?

  Wait, hold on. I gotta see the time on this.

• 41:01Travis McElroy?

  Okay.

• 41:01Griffin McElroy?

  Thirty three seconds from nothing to busting by hearing about a donut drink? Are you okay, sir?

• 41:07Travis McElroy?

  There is also.

• 41:08Griffin McElroy?

  Uh.

• 41:09Travis McElroy?

  Level.

• 41:10Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 41:10Travis McElroy?

  There's a level of sincerity to this commercial, too. Like, where's the winky jokey part exactly?

• 41:18Griffin McElroy?

  I love this. This is. This is. I want to be specific here because you did mention Sabrina Carpenter's brand of of nonsense, to be specific.

• 41:29Travis McElroy?

  I think this is great. Like if you, if I was Sabrina Carpenter and Duncan was like, you want to do this ad? And I was like, okay, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna be kinda insane with it. Like, you know me, I'm Sabrina Carpenter. I'm gonna put some like sex stuff in there. And Duncan's like, yeah, absolutely. We love this. Can you put a cum joke in? We're Dunkin' Donuts. Like we, like, can you put a cum joke in for Sabrina? Get the money. I'm saying, go for it, Sabrina. Go for it. Here's what it is. It's a wild partnership. It's a wild story. Spider donuts that are orange with the donut holes to have a fake spider. They trusted Superman donuts. You just, no. What is, Travis, I don't think you watched the same movie. What juice?

• 42:10Travis McElroy?

  That was a Krispy Kreme promotion and a Dairy Queen promotion, but there was not a Dunkin' promotion with Superman.

• 42:16Griffin McElroy?

  Also, Superman would be all about a guy busting 33 seconds into a phone call.

• 42:23Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, that's what I'm gonna say. If this showed.

• 42:25Griffin McElroy?

  That's what being a human is about.

• 42:26Travis McElroy?

  If this showed up as one of their funny fake commercials on Saturday Night Live or Smell, as we in the know call it, I'd be like, oh yeah, they nailed this. That's hilarious. That's great.

• 42:36Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. But if it was on SNL, you know, they would put more of the busting in. Like they would make it louder and more pronounced and not like kind of suggestive.

• 42:44Travis McElroy?

  How long do you think the discussion was about what noises the person on the phone should be heard making?

• 42:53Griffin McElroy?

  A lot of debates.

• 42:53Travis McElroy?

  Unthinkable, unthinkable that that was not scripted. It was probably like they do with Kenny on South Park.

• 42:59Griffin McElroy?

  Exactly. The nasty stuff he was saying.

• 43:01Travis McElroy?

  There was almost certainly a version that contained, let's say, more explicit sounds. And they're like, we, we can't.

• 43:09Griffin McElroy?

  They probably had a version in there that was very like Peanuts teacher, muted Trump.

• 43:19Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. I'd like to continue with the news, please. Can I continue with the news? Duncan is serving up a latte that tastes like childhood all grown up. The new cereal ooze milk latte combines espresso with cereal milk for a marshmallow cereal flavor that's creamy, rich, and unmistakably nostalgic. I should stop here and mention, hi, I'm Justin McElroy, the human being. I will fuck with this on an incomprehensible level. I'm gonna add an extra shot and it may be the first decent thing at Dunkin'. It's yeah, it's rare for you to be excited about a Dunkin' offering like this.

• 43:54Travis McElroy?

  I also, I do want to point out that this is another of my favorite, and Dunkin' is guilty of this a lot in their press releases, of like, talking about this like it is a metaphysical spiritual experience and not just like, hey, we had an idea for, like, I know this is gonna sound nasty at first, but hear us out. What do you guys think? You guys are gonna love this, right? But instead it's like, this is your childhood. You can get back, get back to a simpler time.

• 44:19Travis McElroy?

  Born again. We can, uh, building on the success of the Dunka Latte. Dunkin' is taking its taste, latte innovation to the next level with cereal milk, made with real cereal, unlocking that unmistakable bottom of the bowl sweetness. Now, now let's pause here.

• 44:38Travis McElroy?

  It's latte innovation to the next level with cereal milk, made with real cereal. Hey, why?

• 44:44Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, what do you do with the cereal out there?

• 44:46Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. Why and how? Are you making cereal? So you can destroy the cereal and put it in the milk? That's cruel.

• 44:56Griffin McElroy?

  Who's eating that?

• 44:57Travis McElroy?

  Who's eating that?

• 44:58Griffin McElroy?

  Someone better be eating that. I'll, I'll, I'll be so pissed off.

• 45:00Travis McElroy?

  Why are you making with real cereal? You have fucking science, man. Go get the vial that says Fruit Loops and scooch it in there. Oh, don't destroy the cereal.

• 45:10Travis McElroy?

  You say that, also, but I bet for employees of Dunkin', this is a great unexpected benefit of like, hey, and Jimmy, we need you to eat all this cereal. That's your job today is just sit here.

• 45:22Griffin McElroy?

  I, I, but I don't want Jimmy's dirty mouth anywhere near my cereal. Like, I don't want it to be pre-eaten.

• 45:28Travis McElroy?

  Associated, Griffin.

• 45:30Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, I'm still, I don't, I, I, yeah.

• 45:34Travis McElroy?

  You wanna see the, uh, they're doing some gear. Do you guys wanna see the gear?

• 45:37Travis McElroy?

  Oh, hell yeah.

• 45:38Griffin McElroy?

  Does it specify what cereal the milk is tempered with?

• 45:41Travis McElroy?

  Isn't that, isn't that absolutely, it's a ratio. I mean, I don't know how else to say it, Griffin. That's certainly not what I meant to say.

• 45:47Griffin McElroy?

  A cocoa pebbles cereal milk? Up against like a cinnamon toast crunch cereal milk? It's two completely different textures.

• 45:54Travis McElroy?

  There's three families, right? There's, there's the cinnamon family, there's the fruit family, there's the chocolate family. You can overlap some of those, but like, I gotta know where I'm going.

• 46:02Travis McElroy?

  Then there's the one that the parent buys where it's like, no, this is the one we're getting.

• 46:06Griffin McElroy?

  The Kashi family. Fuck that. Yeah.

• 46:07Travis McElroy?

  No, thank you.

• 46:08Travis McElroy?

  Get your cracklin' oat brand flavored.

• 46:12Travis McElroy?

  Oh, yeah, sorry. I was gonna show you guys the gear. Um, you can guess for free if you want, which I bought, but I'm not gonna tell you. Duncan gear. They had Duncan. They call it a Duncan pop-up shop. Oh, good. You fooled me. That's neat. A neat little tent right here on the internet.

• 46:32Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that says Duncan at the top and bottom and all over it.

• 46:35Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. And you got Duncan gear.com. Um, this is a cereal and milk. Uh.

• 46:44Griffin McElroy?

  Can we get a zoom on the milk in the bowl?

• 46:47Travis McElroy?

  I don't think I can do that. It's consistency is like yogurt. That's a yogurt. It's a very thick milk. We've got level up your side. There's a T-shirt. There's a sweatshirt. There's a trucker hat. Oh, you got the trucker hat, Justin. No, I didn't. I got too many ball caps. I got the, the, the sweatshirt and T-shirt. Um, so that is the story on that. I did want to also let you know, guys, more public service kind of thing, but uh, mark it on your calendars. 21st of August, we're talking about it. The return of pumpkin at Duncan. Pumpkin at Duncan. The pumpkin at Duncan is back.

• 47:24Griffin McElroy?

  I thought you said, I thought you said pumpkin.

• 47:26Travis McElroy?

  It's back already. Pumpkin at Duncan. Guests can add pumpkin swirl to their favorite hot or iced coffee, cold brew, or espresso drink. So I just want to let you know.

• 47:35Griffin McElroy?

  Can I pumpkin? Can I pumpkin up the cereal milk drink?

• 47:39Travis McElroy?

  I would rather.

• 47:39Griffin McElroy?

  Put pumpkin in the cereal. Can it be cereal, milk and pumpkin?

• 47:43Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, you can pumpkin in the cereal drink. You can put pumpkin in the cereal drink and then call and talk to Sabrina Carpenter about it.

• 47:52Griffin McElroy?

  What if that commercial was like, oh, you put pumpkin in the cereal drink? Yeah, that'll make you jizz for sure, sir. Don't worry, I'm, I'm connecting you to the poison control hotline right now. You shouldn't be busting in 33 seconds. That is a result of the pumpkin toxin.

• 48:07Travis McElroy?

  Uh, so that is the scoop over there at Duncan HQ. I gotta get one of those. Um, soon.

• 48:14Griffin McElroy?

  How about one more question?

• 48:15Travis McElroy?

  I'd love that. I've just gotten off work and I'm walking home. As I was crossing a parking lot, I saw a young man walking on a sidewalk, sidewalk nearby. He had a very long stick, was doing some kind of bo staff movements with it as he walked. I'm talking spinning it, twirling it behind his back, even swinging it as he was fighting off a group of assailants. In, in context, it was a strange thing to see, but it did look pretty cool. I admire this young man's skills and confidence to practice them while walking down Main Street during rush hour. And I wanted to say something like sick moves, but I was worried that I'd come off as mocking him and didn't want to feel embarrassed. So I stayed quiet and I didn't watch him for long. Is there a way I could have paid this young warrior a genuine compliment?

• 48:58Travis McElroy?

  That would be taken in the way that I meant it, and that's from Bo Staff bystander in Kentucky.

• 49:05Travis McElroy?

  The guy was probably a college student and they work at a college. So there was like, or on campus, the college does have some kind of Jedi club or LARP group or something. So maybe he's in that.

• 49:18Griffin McElroy?

  Man, if he's not, go grab him. You got fucking great.

• 49:23Travis McElroy?

  You should try to get some of the details sketched in for yourself because you shouldn't run up and be like, hey, just so you know, we got some kind of nerd. Club here. Look into it. Like, thank you.

• 49:33Griffin McElroy?

  If you're not the president of the Jedi Club, you should join them because.

• 49:37Travis McElroy?

  You're the Jedi Club or? Okay, sorry, stupid.

• 49:39Griffin McElroy?

  What's up?

• 49:40Travis McElroy?

  I just watched a video the other day of Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen at some kind of like, uh, convention. Where somebody handed them both lightsabers and they're kind of like, uh, yeah. And then they start busting out full like whip it behind their back and still doing the moves.

• 49:56Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 49:56Travis McElroy?

  It was the coolest thing I've ever seen.

• 49:59Griffin McElroy?

  So cool.

• 50:00Travis McElroy?

  You can't unlearn it.

• 50:02Griffin McElroy?

  You can't. No, yeah, I mean, I still.

• 50:05Travis McElroy?

  Credit, by the way, credit goes to Hayden and Ewan. If I can. Yeah, they have just clung to that fucking shit and refused to acknowledge that those movies are dirty dishwater. And somehow just through the sheer force of will, they waited a fucking generation. And have snowed these young people into thinking that is one of the good movies. It's insane. Just by like being there and hanging in there long. Enough. We have just like decided to ignore the fact that those movies suck.

• 50:39Griffin McElroy?

  Well, they didn't have to fucking look forward to it in real time and drink the Star Wars Mountain Dew and go to Phantom Menace opening night with their dad and then have like a really weird energy in the drive home of like, was it not, was it not, like they didn't have to deal with that sort of trauma. They can just watch the fight scene with Yoda on YouTube and be like, fuck yeah.

• 50:58Travis McElroy?

  Yoda man, Yoda man, Yoda man indeed.

• 51:03Griffin McElroy?

  We've said his name more than three times in this one episode. We're playing with fire so fucking hard.

• 51:07Travis McElroy?

  What's difficult is I often get this just because like someone's lifestyle choices makes me happy. Cause it makes me happy that they're like just living their life and doing whatever. Like I saw a lady, like just talking to her dog as it used the bathroom, like full on talking to her dog. And it was like making me so happy. And I, and I was like driving and the, my consistent rule is if you are driving, there is nothing you can say to anybody that will not be taken as bullying. I'm going to assume if you're saying it from a car, your Doppler effect.

• 51:40Griffin McElroy?

  Like, yes, exactly. It's, if you're hanging out of the passenger side of your best friend's ride, there is nothing you can holler at me that is going to come off as like a positive thing. But just a walking, just a pedestrian pass by, there might be a way, I do think we're gonna have to.

• 51:56Travis McElroy?

  That from the, so the power imbalance in the first scenario is obvious and that's why it's not okay. But there is a power imbalance to paying someone a compliment and then being sort of chained to your own foot speed. You know, like for, and then you're really, foot speed then becomes incredibly important.

• 52:19Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, you're going in the same direction.

• 52:22Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, yeah. Yeah. Velocity, angle, there's a lot of, of geometry that goes into whether or not you can do this compliment.

• 52:29Travis McElroy?

  I'm gonna give you the universal, I think there's a universality to the compliment.

• 52:34Travis McElroy?

  Hell yeah.

• 52:36Griffin McElroy?

  Hell yeah, brother.

• 52:37Travis McElroy?

  Hell yeah. I don't think you could take hell yeah as insincere.

• 52:42Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 52:43Travis McElroy?

  Hell yeah.

• 52:44Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, hell yeah. Hell yeah is always pretty sincere. Hell yeah. Yeah, I don't think you could.

• 52:47Griffin McElroy?

  Hell yeah. Even if I think they're goofing about it, it's still like kind of a fun way to do.

• 52:52Travis McElroy?

  Right.

• 52:53Griffin McElroy?

  I don't think that's gonna hurt so bad. Also, you're twirling a bo staff in the middle of the college grounds. You know you'll be seen. There's a certain extent to which you know you'll be seen. I'm not saying that you're inviting commentary, but you're walking around twirling. You must, I'm excited for you. You must understand it's an uncommon practice.

• 53:09Travis McElroy?

  You should also understand that if you go to someone and you say, hey, moves are looking good. This person's doing the moves in public. With all due respect, they know they looking good. You know what I mean?

• 53:20Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, sure.

• 53:20Travis McElroy?

  They didn't come out here day one. You're probably seeing day 158 of their bo staff journey, right? They just now decided to treat us all to it. This is, they've been on the grind inside.

• 53:32Travis McElroy?

  I would also worry, I think where my particular brain would go is if I complimented anything with any specificity, this person is now going to start talking to me about how they could introduce me to the way of the bo staff.

• 53:46Griffin McElroy?

  You want nothing to, that's not, yeah.

• 53:48Travis McElroy?

  I'm not part of this. Like, you can't perceive me. I perceived you. Don't perceive me back.

• 53:53Griffin McElroy?

  No, no, I'm a character.

• 53:55Travis McElroy?

  Hell yeah is like, I support this from a distance. Hell yeah.

• 53:59Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 53:59Travis McElroy?

  Hell yeah. Clearly, that's all I needed to say. I was moved by the spirit. This wasn't a planned response. It just bubbled up. But if I'm like, sick moves, that's gonna feel like, let's compare and contrast. Like, now let me show you my bo staff moves.

• 54:16Travis McElroy?

  So many greeting, oh man. Okay. So many greetings that we have are societal based in that, like, I'm trying to signal to you that I'm a normal person in society and you're a normal person in society and we're both safe and normal. So we do this like common accepted greeting, whatever it may be, right? There's not a good way of acknowledging that both of us are like. In on the joke, you know what I mean? That we are approaching this whole thing with the appropriate amount of levity. It's hard to signal that in a, in a life-affirming way because genuinely, when I see people who are just like going for it, it brings me all out of joy. I want to communicate that to them, but also it's none of my business.

• 55:00Travis McElroy?

  You know, that's kind of the whole point with being on your own journey. You're just kind of doing your own thing and it's hard to say to people in a non-ironic way like, we both kind of get that this is a kind of silly, huh?

• 55:11Griffin McElroy?

  But this is cool.

• 55:13Travis McElroy?

  It's cool.

• 55:13Griffin McElroy?

  You're into it.

• 55:14Travis McElroy?

  We're having a good time though, right? No, I mean life, like the whole thing, right? Like, we're having a good time.

• 55:20Griffin McElroy?

  Not the bo staff.

• 55:21Travis McElroy?

  Not the bo staff.

• 55:21Griffin McElroy?

  The whole human experience.

• 55:22Travis McElroy?

  The whole human experience. Like you're having fun with it. You're not like, I don't know, never having a bo staff. You know?

• 55:29Travis McElroy?

  My, my personal, my personal view of this is if someone has made a clear choice, that is a very visual, like if I wear my suit jacket that's covered in like gold sequins, I didn't wear that so people wouldn't compliment it. You know what I mean? This dude's out here twirling his bo staff with his sick moves, walking down Main Street. He didn't do that to blend in. That he wants to get noticed and perhaps compliment.

• 55:55Travis McElroy?

  He's being impeccable with his word. I got my bo staff out. I want people to come tell me my bo staff moves are cool. Didn't tell them my bo staff moves are cool.

• 56:02Griffin McElroy?

  Hey, to approach this from a different angle, maybe he's on his way to kill somebody.

• 56:07Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, maybe.

• 56:08Griffin McElroy?

  And you just let him fucking go because he's carrying a weapon around and flailing it around because he's going to kill someone dead. But, and you just let it slide.

• 56:17Travis McElroy?

  Griffin's intention to challenge him to a fight.

• 56:19Griffin McElroy?

  Wouldn't it?

• 56:19Travis McElroy?

  Yes. Griffin, imagine you're a homicide detective and you get the call and you're like, okay, what, what's the murder weapon? What do we think? It's like, guy came in with a bo staff. He was sick as shit. Like, there's a level to which you, even as a homicide detective, would be like, holy shit, really?

• 56:37Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 56:38Travis McElroy?

  He killed him with a bo staff?

• 56:40Griffin McElroy?

  Blunt impact trauma, many, many hits, and he was humming Duel of the Fates the entire time. So I think we actually know our guy. Cool. You can go home. Clock out.

• 56:50Travis McElroy?

  And it was kind of cool.

• 56:52Griffin McElroy?

  It was cool.

• 56:53Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I had to admit it. Not to him, but I did. Hey, thank you so much for listening to our podcast. We hope you liked it.

• 57:00Travis McElroy?

  Did our best. Yeah.

• 57:02Griffin McElroy?

  We did our best and we had a good time. And at the end of the day, that's all that really matters. But it would also matter to us a great deal if you'd come see us live if you live in Atlanta.

• 57:10Travis McElroy?

  Or near Atlanta. Or you're willing to travel.

• 57:14Griffin McElroy?

  If you're willing to travel, Atlanta is beautiful this time of year.

• 57:16Travis McElroy?

  It's a Delta hub.

• 57:18Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, we're gonna be there for Dragon Con, doing stuff there this weekend. We're gonna be there doing the Adventure Zone. It's Taz versus Popeye, which I'm very excited for. And my brother, my brother and me all during Dragon Con in Atlanta.

• 57:32Travis McElroy?

  And Dragon Con events too. We'll put that up on our, on our McElroy family Instagram, so you can see where we're gonna be and everything.

• 57:38Griffin McElroy?

  If you are gonna be at that Mabim Bam show in Atlanta and you have a question you want answered, or a fear you want read aloud, email it to m b m b a m at maximumfun.org and put Atlanta in the subject line and we'll consider it. We got other shows coming up too. In San Antonio, and Austin, and Utah, and San Diego. You can find ticket links and everything at bit.ly/mcElroyTours.

• 58:00Travis McElroy?

  Also want you to know, we've got a back to school sale going on. It runs through August 31st. With select items up to 40% off. We got three different back to school bundles on sale. Check that out. And you get a free mystery pen with purchase of $30 or more. 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to World Central Kitchen. McElroymerch.com.

• 58:21Griffin McElroy?

  Thank you to Montane for the use for our theme song, "My Life is Better With You." Check out Montane's new album, It's Hard to Be a Fish, if you haven't already. It's got so much, so much wonderful music to offer you. And it's all right there and you can just listen to it.

• 58:37Griffin McElroy?

  Do we have a fear?

• 58:37Travis McElroy?

  We do. Griffin, will you read it this week?

• 58:41Griffin McElroy?

  Sure thing. Here it comes. Just gotta shrink this big tab of you guys out of the way. Get out of here, brothers. What is this? Get out of there. You still there?

• 58:51Travis McElroy?

  Yep. It's right here.

• 58:52Griffin McElroy?

  Cool. Here it goes. "This year, I will be faster than my fear of being bullied at the farmer's market."

• 59:02Travis McElroy?

  My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

• 59:04Griffin McElroy?

  I'm Griffin McElroy.

• 59:06Travis McElroy?

  And my brother, my brother may kiss your dad square on the lips.

• 59:41Speaker 04

  Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows, supported directly by you.