#608 - Jim Norton

Jim Norton is a stand up comedian, podcaster and radio broadcaster known for shows like “Opie and Anthony”, “Jim and Sam” and more. His new special “Unconceivable” is out now on YouTube and you can also check out his podcast “Jim Norton Can’t Save You”. Jim joins Theo to talk about new developments in the Shamokin Dunkin Donuts saga, celebrity encounters from his radio career, and his thoughts on non-traditional love. Jim Norton: https://www.instagram.com/jimnorton/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Better Help: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp - go to http://betterhelp.com/theo to get 10% off your first month. Valor Recovery: To learn more about Valor Recovery please visit them at https://valorrecoverycoaching.com/ or email them at [email protected] Symmetry Sauna: Go to http://symmetrysauna.com/THEO to learn more ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [email protected] Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Trevyn https://www.instagram.com/trevyn.s/ Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Theo Von?

  You ever realize that you spent your entire morning thinking about lunch? It's 9 a.m. and somehow I'm already in negotiations with myself about how I'm gonna spend $20 on a sandwich at noon. And then I eat it, or you eat it, or somebody eats it, and then an hour later, you're just standing in the kitchen worrying about what you'll do for dinner. And that's one reason why I've been into Huell. The Black Edition Powder is a complete meal you have instead of food, not a shake on top of food. Their powder starts at less than $3 per meal, has 40 grams of protein, and mixes with water or milk in about 30 seconds. I like Huell's shakes because they're clean and it's quick.

• 0:41Theo Von?

  I just want to make sure I have everything I need to keep going the way I want to keep going in a healthy manner. So with Huell, basically, lunch went from a daily logistical problem to a thing I can solve in about 30 seconds. Make healthy eating simple. New customers get an exclusive offer of 15% off online with my code WEEKEND at huell.com/weekend. That's H-U-E-L dot com slash weekend. Thank you to Huell for partnering and supporting our show. Today's guest is his first time on the podcast. He's a legendary stand-up comedian and host. He helped give me my start in getting on the airwaves.

• 1:25Theo Von?

  He has a new special on YouTube called Unconceivable, and his own podcast called Jim Norton Can't Save You. Today's guest is the one of one, Mr. Jim Norton.

• 1:56Theo Von?

  Well, I was just telling you, we can get started. You want to?

• 1:58Speaker 01

  Well, whatever you want, yeah.

• 1:59Theo Von?

  Yeah, I was just telling you that I feel like, um...

• 2:03Speaker 01

  All right, just let me know if I'm off mic a little bit. I'm obsessed with that too, with sound, like when I'm interviewing somebody, if they're like, they're off mic, I'm like, get the fuck on them, you know?

• 2:10Theo Von?

  Oh, I feel horrible. The other day I did it, I did somebody's podcast and I chewed gum the whole time.

• 2:16Speaker 01

  We've had that, yeah, it happens.

• 2:17Theo Von?

  But the fact that I did, like, I do it for a living.

• 2:19Speaker 01

  I know. Like, how did I do that?

• 2:23Theo Von?

  It, every day it still haunts me a little bit.

• 2:26Speaker 01

  That you chewed the gum?

• 2:26Theo Von?

  Yeah, just feel, because I'm like, you know, we came, they came and we all put our time in, you know, just to be there and do it, and I frickin' just like, you know, sometimes you show up and you just, you do the most bush league thing.

• 2:38Speaker 01

  I'd like to ask them, did you notice it while it was happening and did you want to say something? Because we've had, like, we had Marin on one time and he was eating like oatmeal or something the whole time or chewing something, and the fans were furious and were like, why didn't we just say something when he was eating? Sometimes when you're hosting, you don't tell the person, like, you're chewing gum, stop chewing gum.

• 2:55Theo Von?

  Yeah, he should feel embarrassed.

• 2:57Speaker 01

  You feel embarrassed.

• 2:58Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  But he still should have told you.

• 3:00Theo Von?

  I mean, I've had instances where somebody's mouth will be very dry.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 3:04Theo Von?

  You know what I'm talking about?

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Yes, that fucking sticky fruit roll-up sound, yeah.

• 3:10Theo Von?

  And you know, all you can think of is the listeners being like, this dry motherfucker.

• 3:15Speaker 01

  This fucking pasty-mouthed idiot, yeah.

• 3:19Theo Von?

  This fire survivor fucking showing up, and it's so true, like, but you can't sit over there and like baby bird somebody some water, bud.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  But you want to say to them, like, you want some water? And then they don't, they're like, no. It's like when someone's breath stinks, you're like, you want a piece of gum? And they're like, no, I'm good, you know, you're not good.

• 3:33Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 3:34Speaker 01

  So, you know, we're trying to be courteous.

• 3:35Theo Von?

  Yeah, you want me to pressure wash your face for a second? Like, that's another thing you could offer them?

• 3:39Speaker 01

  But you see, like, how you just said that, now I'm making sure, I'm opening my water. People have to be self-aware too. Like, anybody who's doing something, if your mouth is pasty and dry and sticky and sounds like shit, you should be aware of it, you have ears.

• 3:51Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, and then that, you just realize, oh, that person is offline, they are just not, they don't know what's going in. Or sometimes it'll be a woman's lipstick is a little thick and it kind of just...

• 4:01Speaker 01

  A little crack, a little pop, yeah. That stuff drives me crazy. I pick up on it. And I sniffle a lot. I fucking, like, I'm a noisy, uncomfortable-to-be-around fucking person. Like, I get it. So I have no right to tell other people. But like, I'm always clearing my throat. It's really fucking horrible.

• 4:19Theo Von?

  Yeah. Well, as we get older, too, it's just like, fuck, you're just like, kind of a, you're just hoping that every now and then, you're a little bit of the semblance of what you once were.

• 4:29Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, no, I've given up on that. I've thrown in the towel. I will never again be what I once was. And I was only mediocre to begin with. So I went from mediocre to kind of shitty. But it's funny, like, I'm so self-conscious about how I look. And my wife is like, "Oh, you look fine." And I got a text from Gutfeld the other night, a random text. He's like, "Hey, man, I saw you on that Kill Tony thing. That's a good look for you. That's a good weight for you." Like, and so people are telling me I look okay. But I'm like, I don't feel okay. I feel fucking fat and just mushy, and my neck is fat. I just dropped 20 pounds.

• 5:01Theo Von?

  Oh, you want to drop? Well, it's so funny, because I saw you last night. I was like, man, Jimmy, you kind of look, I feel like you have looked better as you've gotten older, kind of, as you've grown more into an adult.

• 5:10Speaker 01

  Thank you. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I look back on my old pictures. I'm not impressed with them either. So I can't go like, "Ah, I want to get back to those days." It's like, rush back to what?

• 5:21Theo Von?

  You know what I mean? Do you ever feel like, because sometimes comedians are so uncomfortable. And I was just, I was watching, you have a new special that's on YouTube, Unconceivable, right? And it's so funny, because I've thought of things being inconceivable before. But to go as far to be like, unconceivable, like, I should never even have been like, contemplated? Fuck, that's intense, dude. Because I think at the depth of some comedians and artists, and not trying to sound like we're special, but we're fucked up. There's something a little wrong with a lot of people in the world. And we choose to try to put it out there. Sometimes all artists do, even strippers. I think they do that in their way. But like, like, there's something like, "God, I should never even have been here."

• 6:06Speaker 01

  Well, the reason I named it that, honestly, people thought I fucked up and spelled it wrong. But I didn't. It's unconceivable on purpose. It's an old way of saying it. It's actually technically correct in the English language. Uh, but it was also like a nod to my wife, uh, who is, you know, cannot conceive, obviously. So it was also-

• 6:22Theo Von?

  I haven't gotten that far through it.

• 6:23Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. Yeah. It was part of, uh-

• 6:26Theo Von?

  I'm about 20 minutes in.

• 6:27Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. I talk about her. It was, it was part, part of it's about her being not able to conceive. That was kind of why I called it unconceivable.

• 6:33Theo Von?

  Oh, I see what you're saying. I thought, I guess I just took that somewhere in it, just because you've always kind of operated on the fringes of like depravity or what's okay in the world, sort of, in your own space. Is that okay to say that?

• 6:46Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. It's a hundred percent accurate. But if it was about me and my existence, I would have called it should have been a load in a sock. That's what I would have named it.

• 6:55Theo Von?

  Yeah, it should have been a practice round. Yeah, I should have been like, I should, yeah, like I should not have been in the gun.

• 7:02Speaker 01

  No, no, no. My father should have wiped me out of his belly button with a Dunkin' Donuts napkin.

• 7:08Theo Von?

  Shamoken, remember the Dunkin' Donuts? Dude, you turned me on to that.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, the, uh, the-

• 7:14Theo Von?

  Oh, the iced coffee, cold coffee.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  Cold, what do they call cold coffee? Yeah, her name is Edna Faust. And, uh, I remember we loved them so, the joy we got from them.

• 7:24Theo Von?

  You gave me that joy, dude, and I've showed that over the years. We've had people sitting here and I'm like, you gotta see this.

• 7:31Speaker 01

  Because the thing that's amazing about Edna is, is was her, her deductive reasoning was that she knew that like, uh, iced coffee, a cold coffee, like she's just watching her go through the clues as to what to call it is why I love her so much.

• 7:45Theo Von?

  Yeah. Drop it real quick, cause I also want to tell you, Dutch came to one of my shows one time.

• 7:51Speaker 01

  You met Dutch?

• 7:52Theo Von?

  I met him. Dutch is Smith, what's his last name?

• 7:54Speaker 01

  Dutch, what, what, what did he-

• 7:55Theo Von?

  Just Smith? There you go.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  A coffee shop in Shamoken is closed following an arson over the weekend. Definitely gonna miss it. No doubt about it.

• 8:05Speaker 03

  A teenager is charged with starting a fire-

• 8:07Speaker 01

  Oh, I never saw this part.

• 8:08Speaker 03

  ...inside the restaurant on Saturday night. Shamoken Police Officer Ray Psycho says no one was hurt, but the place has extensive damage. Psycho says the fire was started inside the women's bathroom. The toilet paper dispenser was lit on fire and within about a minute, the entire place was filled up with smoke.

• 8:26Theo Von?

  The mother did explain that she's recently been put on new medication, but as far as for one reason, we're unsure right now.

• 8:32Speaker 03

  The thirteen year old who admitted to setting the fire is currently at a juvenile detention center. Many people who live in Shamokin are upset that Dunkin' Donuts is closed.

• 8:42Speaker 04

  Now I have to rely on myself to go to maybe a Turkey Hill or something where I don't like their donuts. I rather the donuts at Dunkin' Donuts and I'm kinda dealing with it, but I really miss Dunkin' Donuts.

• 8:54Speaker 05

  I go there every day. I get a chicken bacon croissant, I get some coffee, powerade if I'm dehydrated. I sit there all the time. If I have any like legal work that I need to do, I go there, I meet with my attorneys there.

• 9:06Speaker 06

  I'm gonna miss that place when it don't open up. Yeah, a lot of my friends go in there, get the cold coffee, iced coffee I guess it's called.

• 9:16Speaker 01

  Oh, there she goes. She figures it out. She knows. Edna Faust's Unsolved Mystery, she gets to it. And Dutch Smith doing his legal work, I mean, there really is. And by the way, I hate to bum the podcast vibe out, but the first woman at Turkey Hill Donuts, she passed away. I'm almost positive, we did a deep dive on her, and I do think that unfortunately, she is no longer with us.

• 9:39Theo Von?

  God, she seemed like the most healthy of the three of them, I thought.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  She did too. She was definitely the one I was, if I had to be attracted to one of the three, it would have been, Faust was a close second.

• 9:48Theo Von?

  Yeah, you could play Faust in like a biopic one day.

• 9:52Speaker 01

  I would love to. Brian Dennehy right now has her, but I think.

• 9:55Theo Von?

  Oh, but Dutch Smith came out to a show, dude, he's doing great now. So, but that was amazing, bro. But yeah, you put me on to this and I've like shared it with so many people over the years, so thank you, dude.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  That was such a bizarre, I remember, he was on with myself and it was on Opie and Jim, and I think that was the show, and yeah, we would play all these weird clips and once in a while you'd find one, it's like, fuck, that's a gem.

• 10:19Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 10:20Speaker 01

  That's a gem. But I never had any follow up about Edna Faust, I'm dying to know how she is. Cause I think she's the best.

• 10:25Theo Von?

  Yeah, let's put it, we'll put it out on all call, hopefully somebody can send something in, man, and we'll see if we can get a little follow up to Faust over there, um, outside of Turkey Hill and Dunkin' Donuts in Shamokin.

• 10:35Speaker 01

  They've rebuilt it, by the way.

• 10:36Theo Von?

  Oh, they have?

• 10:37Speaker 01

  I have, we did follow up, they have rebuilt the Dunkin' Donuts and it's a big thing in Shamokin. Um, I was gonna stop in there, go into a gig one time, but I'm like, no, I can't. I just, I cared while I was on the air and then as soon as I was in the car, I was like, fuck Shamokin. I'm not stopping.

• 10:50Theo Von?

  Yeah. It is funny how you make little plans like, oh, I gotta be, and then things come along. You're like, nah, let's just keep hitting those, stay on the road.

• 10:58Speaker 01

  Stay on the road. It was fun in theory. It was fun to think about and to talk about. But now that I'm actually gonna be 25 minutes out of my way that way and then 25 minutes out of my way that, I'm not doing it. Fuck them.

• 11:07Theo Von?

  Yeah, fuck them. Yeah, fuck them, dude. I, uh, yeah, so unconceivable was your wife, cuz your wife can't conceive. You're married now.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, yes, yeah.

• 11:17Theo Von?

  And do you feel like you kinda gay, like, what was it like? Cuz you, like, that was your first marriage?

• 11:22Speaker 01

  My, yeah, hope, my first and hopefully my only, yeah. I only did it because we, when she came into the, she was having a hard time, so we did a ninety day fiance, uh, visa to get her in. So we got married ninety days after she came in. Um, otherwise I would've just dated. But it's okay. You fight different when you're married cuz you can't just go fuck you, get out, like, you're there. So you gotta resolve it faster.

• 11:44Theo Von?

  It's go back to your corner kinda.

• 11:45Speaker 01

  Gotta go back to your corner kind of. I used to have three and four, like, I would fight with girlfriends and then they would leave. And then for three or four days, I would just have hookers come over. Like, it really was an ugly scene. And this is a lot, lot easier, a lot cleaner.

• 11:56Theo Von?

  Yeah, does this feel easier? Kinda like, does it feel like you kind of escape? Cuz, I mean, I got like a lot of, I think, commitment issues and stuff like that. And I just feel like, man, at some point I gotta escape, like, not use marriage as an escape, but I would love to not be kinda trapped just in this stupid circle that I get in sometimes.

• 12:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like, it's almost like, it's a lonely spiral too. Like, I forget, like, whenever I get pissed at her, I'm like, yeah, but I was really depressed when I was single. Like, I wasn't happy when I was single. I was miserable. I hated being alive. So if I fight with her and I'm like, yeah, this kinda sucks, I'm like, yeah, but it's not, i- it's me, I'm the problem. Cuz if I'm single, I'm even worse than I am right now. So no, I don't wanna, I, I like being married. I just, sometimes when you think I'm married, you're like, ugh, fucking life is over. But I'd prefer this.

• 12:39Theo Von?

  Yeah. And at least you have someone to be there with you in your life. You're like, and you kinda have a donkey to pin the tail on. You're like, fucking.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, the wife. Yeah, fuck her. What is she, what?

• 12:49Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  If there's things are wrong, it's, ah, my fucking wife. It's also a good excuse, though. Like, ah, nah, my wife's not feeling well. I gotta go home and see my wife. Like, there's little built in things that are kind of advantages that I didn't see. Um, and I'm glad I did it because if I didn't do it, I would still be running in the same, that's why I've fattened up because I literally am not doing the same things I used to do on the road to get like those little mini highs you get. You know, now I'm just in a hotel room alone. And what do you do? You order food at two o'clock in the morning instead of having somebody come over.

• 13:18Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 13:19Speaker 01

  It's not as fun.

• 13:20Theo Von?

  So your, and your wife is a, your wife is trans?

• 13:24Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 13:25Theo Von?

  Trans?

• 13:25Speaker 01

  Transgender, yes.

• 13:26Theo Von?

  Transgender?

• 13:27Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 13:27Theo Von?

  Okay. And so what does transgender mean exactly? Cause people use the term all the time and sorry to go to like such rudimentary stuff, but it means a man and a woman?

• 13:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, like you're born in a male body and you know, they, they have never, they, they can't say exactly medically what makes a person transgender. That's why there's so much arguing about it. It's up to speculation. Some people like, ah, you're just a crazy fucking guy in a dress. And other people like, no, you're, you're born this way, but they can't tell you medically exactly what it is in the brain. Uh, but yeah, she definitely was born in a male body, but if you talk to her for five minutes, you know, that's a woman's brain. Um, but I don't, I, I, I would lose the argument in court. I, I don't have the argument in court. Uh, you know, she definitely does not have a vagina.

• 14:07Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 14:07Speaker 01

  Uh, you know, no, she's not at all.

• 14:09Theo Von?

  Okay. And you've looked, yeah.

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 14:14Speaker 01

  It's not even a penis. It's a cock.

• 14:16Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 14:18Theo Von?

  Were you able to discern over time why you liked something so unique kind of? Like, is that a way to ask it?

• 14:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, you ask what you want. I mean, I, I don't know. Like it's one of those things where when it comes to sexuality and attraction, what makes a person like what they like? I don't have the answer to that. It's, it's a, it's a, it's a pull. It's like you, you don't choose what direction you're going to get pulled in sometimes. Like for me, attraction has never been like, I'm going to go over there and like that. It's going to be something hits me and I kind of like lock into it and I feel it and it pulls me that way. You know what I mean?

• 14:53Theo Von?

  Like a piece of art kinda?

• 14:55Speaker 01

  In a way, yeah, kinda, yes, yes. But the living art, one that you can really just, you know, slap against your face. Yeah. Art you can sit on.

• 15:07Theo Von?

  Dang. Do you ever go places, um, did, now do you have, say if you are dating someone who's trans, do they ask questions like, why do you prefer this? Or is that like something you kind of have to make clear to them a certain way so that they feel okay? Is that a?

• 15:24Speaker 01

  I think it's like any other relationship. It's like the me in like in bed sexually, like fucking or not fucking or that type of stuff?

• 15:29Theo Von?

  No, I think even just like on a person to person basis, like it do I seem like a trophy to you or do I seem like something like a novelty or like a nice piece of jewelry to like, you know, this artistic collection piece or do I? Do you really love me because of who I am?

• 15:43Speaker 01

  Yes, and I think that any, any person, any person has to, like, you know, as a guy with money, you have to wonder, hey, does this woman like me because of who I am or because I have money? And with her, she could be like, is it because I'm transgender that he wants a transgender? I, I think that with any person, you kind of like, you just, you know what somebody's motives are after a while.

• 16:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  Um, and if you're with someone as a trophy, like if I'm just like, hey, I mean, we've been on and off for like, I mean, back together since 2019, so six years. And we were a year and a half before then, so by this point, after seven or eight years, you know what a person. Like I was like, well, does she like me? Does she like because I have money? But there's a lot of guys that have money and there's a lot of trans people. So if that's all we want, then we could easily go out and find somebody else who fit that criteria.

• 16:27Theo Von?

  Yeah. Oh yeah, she's beautiful.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  Well, thank you.

• 16:31Theo Von?

  Um, yeah, and you see, you guys have lived together, huh?

• 16:34Speaker 01

  We lived together. I put her up. She, immigration was very slow. Um, it was just one of those things where she had something she had to get fixed and we did, we did it right, but it's just, you know, it's a, a slow process. So while she was waiting, I moved her to Montreal and I would drive up and see her. And I wound up spending the whole pandemic there. I drove up. So if they're gonna close the Canadian border, so I drove up one day after the radio show and I just stayed for 15 months. I was out of the US for 15 months. It was crazy. Doing the radio show from there, just live, it was my first time living with anyone. And it was in the pandemic in a one bedroom in Montreal.

• 17:09Theo Von?

  Oh my god.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  And like, if we can do this, I can make this work. Like if we can, because Canada was even panicky more than the US about COVID. You know, eight o'clock curfew, uh, you know, they were really crazy up there about it. So I'm like, if we can make it through this, we can be okay, you know, in New York and having a life together.

• 17:27Theo Von?

  So was that kind of a moment for you where like, okay, this is a big thing that I was able to do and that gave you the, because like, sometimes I'm, I question like, how do I? Get to those next places. I think when you're kind of like, you know, I'm not 40s, I'm single. So it's like, you're like, will I ever get there? You know, what's really gonna change? Was that like a thing that really made it kind of different for you?

• 17:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, that that made it like, okay, this is a real thing. Like I had never done that with anybody in the States, but we were forced to. Cause if I came back to the States once, the border was closed, I would not have been allowed back into Canada. So I had to choose between like being in New York or my life with her, like leaving her alone up there for, we didn't know for how long. So uh, it was kind of like a loaded gun to your head, like you're here or it's over. And uh, doing that, I was just so grateful to be with her and so like grateful to actually have a chance. It was like a test run. You got to do a test run and see like, do I want to be with this person? And we got along like way better than I would have thought. And so life here is fairly easy uh, compared to that.

• 18:27Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  But easy in a married way, like everything people told me about marriage is true.

• 18:31Theo Von?

  Yeah?

• 18:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, sucks. I mean, you know, you gotta answer to somebody, somebody's in your space, somebody doesn't like the shit I hang on the walls, like, I don't like answering to a person, nobody does.

• 18:41Theo Von?

  No. Well, I think it's one of the reasons, especially like with comedy, you just work for yourself. It's just you up there. There's nobody that's telling you, the crowd tells you, it's fine, I'll accept it from a group, I'm not taking it from one person.

• 18:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:54Theo Von?

  You know, it's like, it's a total space of complete control.

• 18:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it's very, like, I I like the fact too, that like when you're with someone, could we talk about our lives on stage? So like, I've been with women who got so angry at me for the things I said uh, about our personal life. And she, she doesn't care at all, which I love. She loves the stuff I talk about, like our personal life, no matter how, how embarrassing it is, or how personal it is, or how intimate, she doesn't care. She's like, great, go ahead, do whatever you want to do. She doesn't give a fuck.

• 19:22Theo Von?

  Yeah, I guess if you're cuddling up at night, I mean, both there's people have wieners in the bed.

• 19:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I mean, I have a wiener, she's like, you know, yeah, you don't, you don't spend a hundred grand on immigration lawyers for a dick smaller than yours.

• 19:35Theo Von?

  Oh damn, that's a good point, huh? Oh yeah, Tara Fett, Trump, huh?

• 19:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, she'll like that. A lot of people get mad, why does he talk about her genitals? Shut up.

• 19:47Theo Von?

  Do you notice other men, like if you're around other guys, do you think there's like a lot of curious guys who are into that universe that are afraid to talk about it?

• 19:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, they ask questions. I never mind though. Like, I'm not, again, and that's why I joke about her the way I do, because she's unbendable with that. She doesn't care. And I couldn't have married a fragile personality.

• 20:03Theo Von?

  No, not you. No, you've always been very, your own way, and like aggressively your own way, but also in a kind of, I'm okay with where I'm at, right? You've never been in this apologetic way about yourself.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  No, and you can't, like, you know, I want you want people to be respectful to your partner when you introduce them, and everybody's been nice, and you don't want people to be dicks. But I don't care what people think. Like, you can't live your life and care what other people think. I have fun with her, she's my favorite person, like, she's the person I should have married. Like, and do I get guys that are kind of curious? Yes. And I get a tremendous amount of messages from people who are like, hey man, I'm really glad you talked about that because I, and I don't talk about it in some serious, like, it's like, nobody wants to be scolded, nobody wants to be fucking lectured. Just be with whoever you like. Like, you know what I mean? And if you're worried about what other people think, and you live your life for other people, you're a weak motherfucker. And then just deal with that fact about yourself.

• 21:02Theo Von?

  Yeah, I've had moments in my life where I like didn't have certain girlfriends, I think, because I thought some of my friends wouldn't be impressed with them.

• 21:08Speaker 01

  Maybe we've all been there. Yeah.

• 21:10Theo Von?

  You know, it just bums me out when I look back at it at certain moments, and not like in a self pity type of way, like I'm like, but when I look back, I'm like, man, I wish I'd have, because in some ways I am my own person, but in ways like that, I think I, I don't know, I had some, I had some tough times with it, kind of.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  But growing up, I think it's kind of common too. I mean, you know, I'm a guy in my 50s now saying this, like, you know what I mean? Coming up, when you're a real young guy, it's a little bit different. We're more worried about what other people are going to say about us and more, like, what if the, like, you know, that whole, that whole tidal wave of disapproval from people, what are they going to say? And after a while, you're like, I've been through it so many times, I just don't care.

• 21:44Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  Like, you know, but I've had fighters even ask me, like, uh, like, uh, hey, bro, does she like, like, but asking legitimate, not trying, asking questions that they'd be afraid to ask publicly because they, people would think it was rude, but they're things that they wanted to know.

• 21:58Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  Um, and I never mind answering that stuff.

• 22:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 22:02Speaker 01

  It's not some giant sacred subject, you know, you just talk about it like you talk about anything else.

• 22:07Theo Von?

  You know, it's so funny. I always think like, I know you love UFC and you and Matt, Matt Sarah.

• 22:12Speaker 01

  Matt Sarah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:13Theo Von?

  Have had a show for about a decade now.

• 22:14Speaker 01

  About eight or nine years, yeah, UFC Unfiltered, um, I, Dana just called me one day. He goes, hey, we're doing a podcast. Matt's gonna do it. You wanna do it? I'm like, okay. He goes, all right. And that's how it was done.

• 22:25Theo Von?

  So cool.

• 22:25Speaker 01

  It was just a phone call, um, and I think it was 2016 we started.

• 22:30Theo Von?

  And did he fight, he fought George St. Pierre a couple of times, didn't he?

• 22:33Speaker 01

  He took the title from St. Pierre. He's the last guy to beat St. Pierre. And then George beat him in the rematch and took the title back. But Matt, Matt is probably the most, exactly how you think he's gonna be guy I've ever known. He's a hundred percent genuine. Like,

• 22:48Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 22:48Speaker 01

  There's no bullshit with Matt Sarah. Like, if he likes you, he loves you. And if he doesn't like you, he can't pretend. He's, he's one of those guys. Like, he can't pretend he likes somebody he doesn't like. Uh, I love him. I, I, I have such a good time with him. He's really funny. Um,

• 23:03Theo Von?

  That's awesome.

• 23:04Speaker 01

  Very grounded guy and fighters respect him. Like, when fighters call in, cause he's a legend. I mean, he, he did the impossible. It's the biggest, uh, underdog story in UFC history. So when they, when they come in, they all love talking to Matt. Like, you know what I mean? I'm just kinda there.

• 23:18Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 23:18Speaker 01

  Like, they'll go, yeah, you. And then, but Matt, you know, so it's kinda humiliating every week.

• 23:24Speaker 01

  If you've ever worked with a legend, it's like, really like, wow. I mean, like, you see the respect he gets from fighters. I'm, I'm happy to see it.

• 23:30Theo Von?

  One thing that amazes me about UFC, like, I think I'm, there's a, there's a, like, a symbioticness between, I feel like, fighters, comedians, strippers even, like, of trying to show yourself to, like, trying to show something about you to be seen, right? That's a little bit abnormal. Do you, do you think that makes any sense a little bit? Like, cause I also feel like I relate to some of those people, like, Some kind of a, a level of like, we're just trying to be seen somehow. I just, I just, for me, it's that way anyway. You know, like sometimes it's like fighting, would you think like a kid, a young kid really wants to be out there punching his brains out? Or he's just trying to get seen by like a, somebody in his life or some, you know?

• 24:13Speaker 01

  I don't know what motivates people to fight. Like some people like come out of poverty and it's just they see they can do it. And it's a way to make a living. Um, and other people, uh, maybe they just realize they're athletic and they fall into it and they start wrestling. I don't, honest, it's a good question. I don't know. I would equate, like we used to have strippers and comics, like there's something about showing people something that most people keep private. And wanting them to like it and, and, and putting it out there in a way where they can like it and they can relate to. That I definitely see a tie in to like, how do I expose this thing in myself or this humiliating factor or this insecurity? And get people to look at it and kind of laugh and then go, okay, like you want people to laugh.

• 24:56Speaker 01

  I don't want people in the crowd going, good point, Jim. You know, no one gives a shit about that. Fucking embarrassing. You know, the applause break doesn't mean anything. Like you want people, they have to laugh. It's first and foremost, you know?

• 25:06Theo Von?

  You almost got an applause break last night. Did you feel that one moment or was like two claps away from an applause break?

• 25:11Speaker 01

  I didn't even notice it. I did not even notice. I just, I plow, uh, straight through and, uh, I very rarely get applause breaks. You know what I mean? Um, maybe cause I moved to-

• 25:21Theo Von?

  I never do either. But then sometimes you see guys, yeah, I mean, like watching Louis yesterday too, he get, but he's on, he goes into so much. Oh, you're so bizarre. By the end of some of his stories, you're so deep.

• 25:32Speaker 01

  It's like, what a great brain. Like watching him, uh, we've been out on the road and, uh, we got a bunch more dates coming up. And just watching his brain work, like each bit is crafted, like some of these things are such ludicrous thoughts. And then they just wind up, the crowd agrees to thought and they go into this strange area. It's so much fun to watch, like how creative a stand-up can be.

• 25:54Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And it's so inspiring. Watching both you guys, man, there's moments where I'm watching the, the people in the crowd. And a lot of times it feels like it's a guy and they usually are holding their girl pretty close. Kind of like they convince the girl, oh, it's gonna, we're gonna have a great time. You're gonna love these guys and they they're doing extra like I'm gonna put my arm around my girl. Make sure she knows we're here together tonight, even though he can feel them like maybe really some disdain at some of the

• 26:19Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 26:20Theo Von?

  Some of the material.

• 26:21Speaker 01

  I feel people pull back sometimes, which is, you know what I mean? I I I talk about certain things. I I feel people, but that's what it is. It is what it is. Um, you know, I I don't, one thing I avoid doing like I never preach politics on it. It's so boring to lecture the audience.

• 26:38Theo Von?

  Oh, I agree.

• 26:39Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. I don't need to convince them of anything.

• 26:41Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 26:41Speaker 01

  Like, I want them to have a good time and hopefully see it, my point. Even if they don't agree with it, I want them to know why I got there.

• 26:47Theo Von?

  Mm hmm.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  And that's it. Like, you can't try to change. No one's gonna walk out of my fucking show educated.

• 26:52Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 26:53Speaker 01

  It's not my job. I blink a lot. I dropped out of high school. No one's coming to me to teach him a lesson.

• 26:58Theo Von?

  Oh, it's coffee, cold coffee.

• 27:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, cold coffee.

• 27:01Theo Von?

  Dude, you had the one, uh, I don't know if it was in in unconceivable or if it was on stage last night. It was about, oh, the military and that some of them aren't mentally well.

• 27:10Speaker 01

  That was last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:13Theo Von?

  And you're like, that's who we want over there. You think I want the fucking?

• 27:16Speaker 01

  I don't want mentally, what you would consider mentally healthy. I don't want that to some. Oh, you had the nervous college kid creeping around with his little gun.

• 27:23Theo Von?

  Yeah, I want the fucking completely deranged person.

• 27:26Speaker 01

  The crazier you think somebody is, the more likely I want them to be sent over with a fucking weapon. Yeah, you do. You face that like, but a lot of it's common sense pushback against where like, I think progressives were very crazy. And I also think some of it's bigotry. Like, people look at it like it's just one thing. It's like anything in life. It's there's, there's, look at this, then you look at that, then you look at that. Everything is an individual thing to be looked at. There's not one answer that covers all of it.

• 27:50Theo Von?

  Yeah, I agree. I mean, I'll have people ask me about how could I, um, you know, how could I? Probably lean more conservative in the last election.

• 28:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:00Theo Von?

  But then also be a Palestine advocate, you know? It's like, I don't see how any of those things are connected. Like, I would never attach myself to one specific, like, so I'm this way for everything? That seems crazy to me.

• 28:15Speaker 01

  It's because people are dumb and they masquerade as these real brave truth tellers. But a lot of people are very frightened of pushback from the group that they belong to. So they do everything lockstep with the group they belong to.

• 28:27Theo Von?

  That's true.

• 28:28Speaker 01

  You can have mixed feelings about things. Like, you can be an advocate for Palestine and then you can also like AOC and you can vote for Trump. Like, you can have mixed feelings about things. People just want to say, you're here or you're there, but that's their own fear of being left out alone. They're afraid of being isolated, so they need the group. They're joiners, but they're masquerading as brave truth tellers. It's annoying.

• 28:52Theo Von?

  This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, I do this thing where I'll be at the grocery store and I'll just, I'll talk to the butcher like he's my therapist, you know? He'll be back there, he's just, you know, chopping up a chicken brisket or whatever. And I'll be like, I need help, dang it, I need help. As fun as it is to kind of just toss your problems on anybody, when you're looking for actual help about relationships, or anxiety, or depression, or other clinical issues, regular folks may not have all the right answers. But you can get guidance from licensed therapists online with BetterHelp. BetterHelp has been helping people find their therapist match for over 10 years

• 29:36Theo Von?

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• 30:16Theo Von?

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• 31:01Theo Von?

  Steve is an amazing person and he is a close friend of mine. I mean that. Valor Recovery helps men to develop the tools necessary to have a healthier sex life. Their coaches are in long-term recovery and will be your partner, mentor, and spiritual guide to transcend these problematic behaviors. To learn more about Valor Recovery, please visit them at www dot Valor Recovery Coaching dot com or email them at admin at Valor Recovery Coaching dot com. Thank you.

• 31:41Theo Von?

  So since you ended up marrying a trans woman. Cut that out. Sorry.

• 31:49Theo Von?

  And that's what she said too, probably.

• 31:53Theo Von?

  Cut that off.

• 31:56Theo Von?

  That's where I was trying to go. It's almost there. I messed it up. Yeah, that's okay. If she wanted to, she could. I'd miss her.

• 32:07Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, do you think we are getting more? Like, do you think we're getting more, I don't wanna say depraved, but it's more, in one view it'd be depraved if you looked at like these evangelical type of views or like, you know, like, um, people that came over on the Mayflower, like sexually they'd see us probably as more depraved.

• 32:25Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 32:25Theo Von?

  But do you feel like we're just evolving or just adjusting into different, more sexual norms?

• 32:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think so. And it's also like the depravity, like, I don't believe people's, like, I don't believe the people, some of them sure, but the majority of the ones who are scolding and going, ah, it's terrible, how could you do that? And then you realize that in DC, these prostitutes are going, do you know how many of these senators I fuck, or how many of these congressmen I fuck, like, so I don't, I don't buy any of it. Like, there are people who live that way, but, um, as far as, again, a, a, a moral lecture or, or a sexual, uh, acceptability lecture from some, I just, I, I don't believe any of them and I don't respect any of their opinions. But yeah, I think we are more open than we used to be, sure.

• 33:07Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 33:07Speaker 01

  I mean, what's considered the norm now is, is different. I mean, back in the Mayflower days, if you were fucking gay, they'd probably hit you with a, I don't know what they'd do, but it wasn't good. They weren't happy to see you.

• 33:17Theo Von?

  But I bet they had, I bet there was low-key a lot of support for gay men on those boats because you're on the ship for a long time.

• 33:24Speaker 01

  In high stockings. I mean, come on, you gonna tell me, you gonna tell me Miles Standish didn't get his asshole played with?

• 33:34Speaker 01

  I hope that was his name.

• 33:37Theo Von?

  But yeah, you're telling me you're out there drinking. How many women were on the Mayflower? Let's take a gant, cause that's gonna help.

• 33:44Speaker 01

  I'm gonna guess very few or none. Or none. I think that's a great point. How many women were on the Mayflower? Probably none of them, probably all men.

• 33:52Theo Von?

  The number of women, most sources agree that 18 adult women began the Mayflower journey. Only four or five women.

• 34:01Theo Von?

  Were still alive by the spring of 1621.

• 34:04Speaker 01

  Oh my god. I guess there was a long line outside each door.

• 34:07Theo Von?

  Yeah, can you imagine that though?

• 34:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:09Theo Von?

  Hiding, pregnancy, three of the women, Elizabeth Hopkins, Susanna White, and Mary Allerton were pregnant during the voyage.

• 34:16Speaker 01

  And the crazy part is there's no way to prove whose baby it was back then until it's born and you look at it and go, oh yeah, it's your baby. Because there was no DNA testing, there was no, so 10 guys fuck you and one of them gets you pregnant.

• 34:28Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 34:28Speaker 01

  Oh, well.

• 34:29Theo Von?

  God, can you imagine though? Guys would just be trying to get you drunk so that they could then go approach your wife? Or they would just be trying to get somebody else, like some other guys, get them and another man so drunk that they could just pretend that they weren't gay for a little while?

• 34:45Speaker 01

  For a little while, yeah, and have sex with the woman, yeah.

• 34:49Theo Von?

  Or no, jerk off the man or have sex with the man, but just be like, oh Suzanne, just keep saying a woman's name during it or something?

• 34:56Speaker 01

  Oh, and pretend like, by that point, you hope that you wouldn't, like, because if you're fucking a guy, he's gotta know that you're enjoying it. And vice versa, you hope that you wouldn't have to be thinking about a woman just to convince yourself.

• 35:09Theo Von?

  But you might feel like, what's going on here? You know, like, there's some, I'm sure, like astute white males or whatever, who are like, you know, in some of these, you know, who are probably getting money from APAC or whatever, who were definitely, you know, who are like banging a guy and like, what's happening here? This is, you know? Like a tremors from an earth.

• 35:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:30Theo Von?

  Man the windows or something, you know?

• 35:32Speaker 01

  What's going on there? Yeah, no, I understand.

• 35:35Theo Von?

  What's going on? I'm gonna come in this guy.

• 35:37Speaker 01

  Oh my god, how did this happen? I must have fallen.

• 35:39Theo Von?

  Veto.

• 35:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, but yes, in a way, you're right, because I remember, it's funny, when I was a kid, when I first started jerking off, you know, I would always try to think of girls, but sometimes I would think of boys, and if I thought of a boy, I was so filled with shame that when I came, I would throw a woman in there, like I would like press the button, the last slide would be a girl's face, like, oh, just straight, you know, it was just, it was such self delusion, like.

• 36:01Theo Von?

  Right.

• 36:02Speaker 01

  But yeah, in that way, you're right, it's all about shame and how to, how to stave off the shame you feel about whatever it is.

• 36:10Theo Von?

  Yeah, and our society does adjust so much of that. And but it is interesting, like, you know, I go to recovery meetings. I'm in SLA recovery and stuff like that. And so, and it's interesting because a lot of it's intimacy disorders, porn addiction. Like, there's so many things, like, um, you know, a lot of my, I'd be like, come here or stay away. Like, that was like, I would want some, like, a woman to be close to me. But then when they got close to me, I didn't want them to, you know, just like a lot of like, just, just anarchy.

• 36:38Speaker 01

  It's being addicted to the hunt as well. It's being addicted to the, the lead up to something happening. And then when it's happening, you're right, you're like, get away. Okay, now, because the lead up was the high. The lead up of the thing, and now that you're here, okay, now it's time for the next drug run, so to speak. Yeah, I definitely get that.

• 36:57Theo Von?

  Yeah, maybe that's what it was sometimes.

• 36:58Speaker 01

  For me, it was, like, I would literally look at hookers all night. I would ride around for hours, listening to Art Bell on, uh...

• 37:05Theo Von?

  On NPR?

• 37:06Speaker 01

  Uh, no, he was on, uh, 770 or 660 overnight.

• 37:09Theo Von?

  Was it Rush Limbaugh?

• 37:10Speaker 01

  No, no, Art Bell was a guy, he was like in Perump, Nevada, and he was like very big into, like, UFOs and...

• 37:16Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, that's that guy?

• 37:18Speaker 01

  He was the best.

• 37:19Theo Von?

  Oh, and he passed away?

• 37:20Speaker 01

  He did die, but I would ride around the Meatpacking District and look at prostitutes for hours. I would do the Comedy Cellar and then ride around. But the ritual for me was looking and talking, and most times I wouldn't pick up. I would just ride around and look and be in that space. So a lot of times, it's the whole idea of doing something even more than doing it. Like, sometimes you do it, but other times, it's just the idea of it.

• 37:41Theo Von?

  Oh, dude, yeah. Would there be certain things, like, during the interview process, like, with it, when you chat with them? When you just kind of say, and you'd, every now and then, you just hear a certain thing? And you're like, oh, I'll spend more time with this person?

• 37:52Speaker 01

  Oh, well, when I would talk to them?

• 37:53Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 37:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, if I was attracted to them, sure. But if I thought they might be a cop, I was so ritualistic, like, they would have to approach the left side of my window. Like, there was weird, ritualistic... Things that had to be clicked, like any addiction, right? There's these weird, this box is checked, that box is checked, and then I can proceed. But if it didn't happen, it would, one box wasn't checked, it would wreck the whole experience. But yeah, that, that whole, that, that's addiction is so crazy. Um, sex is harder, like porn, I still struggle with porn. I have a hard time, I go into it, I come out of it, it's, it's hard.

• 38:24Theo Von?

  I know, I just hate the way that I feel after I notice finally, I hate the way I feel the next day after watching it. I just feel a little bit like dissolved, I feel like a

• 38:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:33Theo Von?

  Like a, like the day before, I was kind of a bit of a Rubik's Cube and all, all the color that were matching on the sides and everything. And then the next day, I just feel kind of broken and I, it takes a day for me to get my energy back organized, kind of.

• 38:45Speaker 01

  That's a good way to put it, dissolved, that's a, that's a really good way to put it, like you feel this, like, kind of like, it's, it's, it's a collapsed feeling, like, and dissolved is the perfect way. You don't feel strong and, and, and whole, you know, and it's not a moral thing, it's just, it's all that weird chemicals from, like, you, your own drug administrator.

• 39:05Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 39:05Speaker 01

  Like, you know what I mean, I'm sitting there, it's not attractive, it's just me twiddling my nip, ugh, fucking chimp.

• 39:13Theo Von?

  And, oh, if you had to watch a video of yourself jerking off for over all the years, you'd be like, somebody shut this guy down. Somebody put this kid out of his misery.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, what is he doing? This is long and unpl- it'd be like the director's cut of Apocalypse Now, where you're like, I get why they took that stuff out. We didn't need the fucking dinner with the French people, sucked. Uh, yeah, if I had, if you had to watch yourself jerk, especially if you could add up all the time.

• 39:36Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 39:37Speaker 01

  The amount of hours, or weeks, or months, whatever it comes to.

• 39:40Theo Von?

  You'd quit immediately, I bet.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  You'd quit immediately, and it is wasted time.

• 39:43Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 39:43Speaker 01

  Um, it really is.

• 39:44Theo Von?

  Oh, the waste. And, but I would do the same thing, like, if I would look at, like, I would get high on cocaine, I would look at hookers online.

• 39:51Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 39:52Theo Von?

  And I would, like, just be looking, I would look at the photo, and I would be like, ah, you know, and then I would barter, I was like, just poor, and I would barter. And then you're, and then, but then, when someone would come over.

• 40:08Theo Von?

  I would often take the money, put it out of the door, give it to them and have them go home. I was too nervous to have somebody like

• 40:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:16Theo Von?

  in my presence. One time a lady came over and she had, she said that she had to get a brain tumor taken out or something. And I was like, whoa. You know, and I just sat with her for a little while and talked about, talked about some stuff and then just she just went home.

• 40:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, it sometime when you, you also realize like they're real people and then you realize like, why am I doing this? Like, I used to love talking to women after. Like, I used to love the conversation afterwards. Like after sex or whatever, we would just sit and chat or if I would drop them off, we would talk. And I realized it was just, it's a lot of loneliness. Like, you're just lonely and you don't know how else to, to, to meet somebody. I, I didn't know how to go out and talk to people. So that was a way of meeting people. That shit I don't miss. Like, being married, the one thing I, I, I like, like, I can just call my wife and talk to, like, you know what I mean? Like, we actually, it's, it's a nice, stable thing to have in your life. Like a person who you really like. And loving somebody, yeah, yeah, but I mean, you have to like them too. It's not enough to love somebody. Like, you have to like talking to them.

• 41:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 41:16Speaker 01

  And you have to enjoy, and we have our dumb dog and I'll just be on FaceTime with her and the dog. And I'm like, this is the life I want.

• 41:22Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 41:22Speaker 01

  Uh, the dog shits all over. It makes me furious, but it's still a nice life.

• 41:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 41:27Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? Compared to what was going on before, which was very lonely and isolated.

• 41:32Theo Von?

  Yeah, it does. It's just interesting. You get kind of like, trapped in patterns over time. And when you're a comedian, it feels like you're, you don't ever have to grow. Or I don't know if it's a comedian. I don't know. I've struggled at certain points in my life to grow up, you know? I didn't realize for years that I hadn't been growing up really. I was kind of trapped, I think, for, in like a child's ways in a lot of times, but they were working out okay.

• 41:53Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 41:54Theo Von?

  We're in comedy and it's like, you don't have a ton of responsibility. It's all on you. You have to show up. You, you know, it's like, You know, it felt almost like a kid could do it.

• 42:04Speaker 01

  And but you also, there's something about that that is good too, like, because our impression of somebody growing up and getting older was like, you know, you you you go up, you retire, you get the gold watch, and then you go into a home and you're finished. Like, there was a a process and there was a definitive end at the end of the tunnel. But when you always feel like I don't have to grow up and follow that pattern, you always feel like I don't know what's ahead of me. Like, you don't see the end.

• 42:27Theo Von?

  Wait, say that part again, I want to hear it.

• 42:28Speaker 01

  You you don't feel like you can always see the end. You don't know what's ahead because you're not following the pattern of people growing up.

• 42:34Theo Von?

  So it makes everything more exciting, you think?

• 42:36Speaker 01

  More exciting, yeah, and you feel like there's an endless amount of time. I don't know which direction this is gonna go in. That's the terrifying part of doing things the way like your parents do it is that you see A, B, C, D. But if you're kind of stuck between A and B in some way, you have no idea where you're headed yet, and it still feels like the end is not directly in front of me.

• 42:56Theo Von?

  And that makes you also continue to feel young because it's it's that same feeling that you always have when you were young.

• 43:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's kind of, it it is. It's a way, and I think it's a healthy way to be. I don't think it's crazy. As long as you're paying your bills and you're you're decent to the person that you're with. Like, you know, it's a fun life. Like, we we fought to not have a boss, to not have a retirement age. Like, that, this is the dream life. This is what I wanted to do. Sometimes I'll be in a hotel, mad. I'm like, shut up, you fucking asshole. How many of your friends have to get up and go to a warehouse on Tuesday morning? And you're mad you have to drive to Asheville? Shut up!

• 43:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 43:28Speaker 01

  Like, you know, I mean, this is like what you wanted, and you got it. So with even with great jobs, there's annoying parts of it.

• 43:35Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's the truth. And it's fun. It's fun. You're gonna get to go to Asheville. That place is amazing. Did I remember the first time? That's one of the true the the blessings, I think, of having worked in this job is like, like, I I got to go to La Crosse, Wisconsin, dude. Blew my mind.

• 43:49Speaker 01

  What is it?

• 43:50Theo Von?

  It's a town in Wisconsin. It's like this beautiful, like, hill, like, kind of small mountain right on the edge of it. And it's just amazing, man. It's like, we were right there, like, the weekend before Halloween. So you had, like, all the kids being, like, brought home from their parents after school, and their costumes, and the leaves are all fall. It just looked like you couldn't, it was like the perfect place to grow up is what it looked like.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Do you want kids?

• 44:13Theo Von?

  Yeah, I want to have kids, I think.

• 44:14Speaker 01

  You do?

• 44:15Theo Von?

  Yeah, I just think I would like to do it. I would like, I think it'll help me, like, just not think about me. You know, you start to get exhausted of yourself.

• 44:24Speaker 01

  Yes, and they say that's the one, that's the thing. Kids open up that thing, and I know that by not having kids, and I've never wanted kids. I don't feel like I'm gonna say, no, never, never.

• 44:32Theo Von?

  Does Nikki want them?

• 44:33Speaker 01

  She would love to adopt. Um, she would love to adopt.

• 44:36Theo Von?

  I could see you getting something cool.

• 44:38Speaker 01

  Um, I could see me dying and then her doing that, which is great. I told her, like, when I drop dead, do what you want. Sell my stupid kiss posters and get yourself a kid.

• 44:48Speaker 01

  But I've never wanted it. I, I don't feel like, I don't dislike kids, but I don't feel it. But when I hear somebody who wants something like that, um, it does supposedly open up a part of you. And everyone I know who has kids says it, like, it's a good thing. Um, and you start thinking about something other than yourself and your purpose is other than yourself.

• 45:05Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 45:06Speaker 01

  For me, it's, I haven't had that, so maybe that's why I'm half miserable fucking idiot. In my 50s, on Japanese kiss poster auction, auction sites, like a fucking idiot instead of worrying about my kid's soccer game. You know what I mean? Maybe that's, maybe you're right. That's, it's probably, it opens up that part's healthier.

• 45:21Theo Von?

  Going back to like, um, if you had ki, if you were able to, if you're, is there part of you, like, cause you said that, if I died, then, uh, my wife could go ahead and get, if she wants to get kids, then that's fine? Is there a little part of you that's like,

• 45:38Theo Von?

  that still feels like having a family in a weird way? Like, at least I was able to help and support somebody and create an environment for them to have a family? Like, in a weird way, does that make any sense?

• 45:49Speaker 01

  No, but it's, when you say it, it sounds really nice, but it's never occurred to me, like, um, again, I, I feel like with my wife and a small dog, it, it's such a different life than I ever had. Like, it's a hundred percent different, but I feel like that's my family.

• 46:05Theo Von?

  Okay, got it.

• 46:06Speaker 01

  But you're right, like, I, I am facilitating for someone to have them if she wants them. Cause I, I tell her, I'll be dead long before you, like, so do what you want when I'm dead, I don't care. Sell my shit and, you know, find some young fucking Latin guy and, you know, have a great life. And she would, believe me, while they were still powdering my face in the casket, getting fucked.

• 46:26Theo Von?

  They should have a tattoo of you on the guy's back, though, that would be kinda nice.

• 46:31Speaker 01

  Or on his stomach, so she really has to look at it when they're intimate. No, she'll do what she wants. I just never wanted it, man. I don't have anything against it. I respect it. All my friends who do it are happy they did it. I watched Bobby Kelly go like from being a single guy and then, you know, long-term relationship, son loves, he loves his life like that. Like, it's just not for me. Like, I see it, and I'm happy for my friends, but I don't envy it.

• 46:55Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 46:56Speaker 01

  Do you know what I mean? Like, when I'm around children, I never go like, that instinct in me is never, and it doesn't pull me in that direction.

• 47:05Speaker 01

  Even around my nephews, who I love very much, I would love them and hang out with them, but it never made me want to go have a kid.

• 47:11Theo Von?

  Got it.

• 47:12Speaker 01

  But I don't know, maybe that's selfish, right? Maybe I'm a selfish, maybe.

• 47:16Theo Von?

  Maybe it's selfish, so also to have them. Like, I wouldn't have them just in order to get me out of my own

• 47:23Theo Von?

  ego jail that happens sometimes. I mean, I know, it's like, yeah, I would like to be able to have like, I think part of me is like, I would like to be able to create a safe experience for a child in the world. Because I don't know if I felt like I had that a lot of times. I felt like I want to try my best to fill in some of those holes that I didn't have to, because I think our lineage kind of deserves that somewhat, and, and I think since I really love, love that childhood stuff and a lot of like the emotional side of it, I think I could probably service that pretty well.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  Right.

• 47:55Theo Von?

  So I would like to like respectfully try my hand at that with a woman who is a very loving mom, who wants to be a mom, and with a kid who's willing to, you know, be, you know, just be my son or daughter.

• 48:08Speaker 01

  Well, you would actually, like, you know, because you have this, like you said, we don't grow up. There's a lot of time to have fun with a kid, too. Like, you know what I mean? Like, in our life, it does afford us a lot of things that most people can't do. Like, you can book a gig on the road. If you want to go to Hawaii, you book Hawaii, and you could bring your fam- like, most people can't do that.

• 48:25Theo Von?

  Right.

• 48:26Speaker 01

  They have to schedule it around, like, I'm not doing radio for the first time in 20 years, and it's so weird not having a schedule. It's so weird not going, okay, well, Labor Day, Memorial Day, like, this is when we get off, this is when we don't get off. To just be able to go on the road and do what I want to do is a very foreign feeling. I love it. It's nice. And having a kid, you could do that. You could just book a place. Not that, you know, having a kid and having a radio show are the same thing.

• 48:51Theo Von?

  But you, I don't know, you gotta get up early.

• 48:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're right. It kinda sucks. You kinda don't wanna look at the people you're talking to. Yeah, maybe you're exactly having a kid.

• 49:00Speaker 01

  It's like any other partnership.

• 49:00Theo Von?

  Yeah, the food sucks.

• 49:02Speaker 01

  The food sucks. Yeah, the hours are kind of annoying. You gotta wake up when you don't wanna wake up. You're fucking cranky through most of it. Yeah.

• 49:09Theo Von?

  Yeah, your partner's there. Fuck them, you know?

• 49:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, cuz they made it in before I did. You're like, ugh. You're happy to be here, aren't you?

• 49:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 49:17Speaker 01

  But I do, I do kinda miss it a little bit. Like, I miss the structure of it, but I also like not having it.

• 49:21Theo Von?

  Oh, it was so much fun when you guys had. I mean, I only got to go when it was open. Actually, I came when it was Jim and Sam 2.

• 49:26Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 49:26Theo Von?

  But I never got to go when Anthony was there.

• 49:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:29Theo Von?

  Um, but it was fun. Like, I mean, that was like some of the first times I ever got to be in a place where like, people got to hear my voice that were like paying attention.

• 49:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:37Theo Von?

  Um, like, we talked to Bobby Kennedy on that show, which was, on you guys' show, which was crazy cuz he and I became friends years later, which was wild.

• 49:44Speaker 01

  Was he in stu-, like, I think I, he was in studio with us, wasn't he? Like, uh, for some reason, did Robert Kennedy just call in?

• 49:52Theo Von?

  He called in.

• 49:53Speaker 01

  Oh, it was a phone call. I thought I saw a picture of all of us together.

• 49:56Theo Von?

  And I'd never heard of him. I thought he'd been like electrocuted or fucking, you know? Or people were fucking him while he was talking or whatever. Like, I didn't know what was going on.

• 50:05Speaker 01

  Those are really bizarre reasons for the voice. Yeah, wait, is that him right there?

• 50:08Theo Von?

  Oh, never mind.

• 50:10Speaker 01

  I thought I saw that. That's myself. I can't, I don't have my glasses.

• 50:14Theo Von?

  That's me.

• 50:14Speaker 01

  And Florentine and Opie and, uh, yeah, and that's Robert Kennedy. I didn't remember that. Look how skinny I was. No, I, I know back then, I, I look like a weird photoshopped version of what I am now.

• 50:28Theo Von?

  You look almost feminine there a little bit. You're kind of like a white Charlemagne, kinda.

• 50:35Speaker 01

  That is funny. And he would hate that.

• 50:39Theo Von?

  He knows I think he's a handsome guy.

• 50:41Speaker 01

  No, no, no, but nobody wants to be, Jim Norton to be like, you're kind of pretending Jim Norton. Uh, but that you're right. It is like a little, my, my wife hates me like that. Like she's like, you fucking look like a little twink. You look sick. I don't like it. She like, you're not a fucking small. You're a medium. She makes me, uh, she never wants me to be like that again, but that's how I want to be. And it does look kind of sickly. Like when I see that, like my neck, my head, like, and I was so depressed at that point in my life. So I wasn't even happy.

• 51:10Theo Von?

  Well, you seem like you were doing great. And then Daryl Strawberry, that's the day I came in so coked up.

• 51:15Speaker 01

  Were you coked up that day?

• 51:16Theo Von?

  Oh, bro, that's, that started my, that, that, that day, I made a story for Ari Shaffir's show. And that story, like, that story, like, is when people started paying attention to, uh, my comedy.

• 51:30Speaker 01

  Oh, really?

• 51:31Theo Von?

  Yeah, I ended up on a tax cab, driving a tax cab, high on cocaine. The driver had picked me up.

• 51:39Theo Von?

  There was a girl in the cab. We're dropping her off. She kind of rejected me. I didn't like make, like, I was just like, she was laying in my lap. I was trying to like give her a kiss, you know? Cause it felt like she was flirting. She laid in my lap and like, so I like, you know, whatever. And I didn't get, be aggressive, but she like, was like, what are you doing? And so then I felt some rejection. She, she got dropped off where she was going. It was just me and the driver. And I was like, let's go get some coke, you know, we can get some cocaine. And then it was like next, two hours later, I'm driving. He has a hooker. He's bought hookers for us. He's in the back of the taxi. We're up in like Washington.

• 52:12Speaker 01

  Washington Heights.

• 52:13Theo Von?

  Washington Heights.

• 52:13Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 52:14Theo Von?

  And I've, I have to be at the radio station the next morning at like six 30. I get dropped off at my hotel at five 50, right? It's a couple of blocks away. I shower and I walk over there, dude. And it was the scariest walk ever. Cause every moment of the walk was so scary. And I just was like rattled and I got inside and I sat on the show. I couldn't even talk.

• 52:36Speaker 01

  I don't remember.

• 52:37Theo Von?

  Daryl Strawberry was the guest and I'd always thought he was like this drug addict. And here he was, pure as a driven snow.

• 52:44Speaker 01

  Sober, he's clean and sober. I think he still is. I hope he still is. But yeah, he can't, Joe Torre told us about him about the plane going in. It was really bad turbulence. And everyone was panicking, but Daryl was reading his Bible in the back. So like, he turned around and like has this sober life. And it's weird being fucked up around somebody that's sober. It's uncomfortable.

• 53:01Theo Von?

  And I'd always thought he was this way. And I'd always thought I was kind of like toeing the line and do, you know, straight. And then it was this moment where everything, and that's when I got in a, uh. Recovery rooms after that.

• 53:13Speaker 01

  Really?

• 53:13Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 53:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was-

• 53:14Theo Von?

  Literally the two days after.

• 53:15Speaker 01

  That show, like, you know, The Opie and Anthony Show was, it was a different thing. Like, it was, you know, and Opie and I did what we could. It's hard to follow The Opie and Anthony Show. You know what I mean? It's a, it's a hard act to follow, um, especially when it was uprooted without any one of us wanting it to be uprooted. Um, but man, I look back at that show and I'm really glad I was a part of that. Like, there was some really funny shit on that show. Great comics coming through, everyone being vicious to each other. Like, you know what I mean? It was a really, uh, there was a lot of fun times on that show.

• 53:45Theo Von?

  God, that was so fun. You got, it felt like the luckiest place in the world. There was no better call you could get at the time in the country, I don't think, than to go on to that show. And some people didn't even recognize it, and that's fine. Fuck them. But to go in there and sit in there with guys, Distefano, Sherrod Small, Pete Davidson, Mark Norman would be in there, just like, uh-

• 54:07Speaker 01

  Everybody.

• 54:08Theo Von?

  Vic Henley, like-

• 54:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:09Theo Von?

  Greg, um, Flor- oh, Jim Florentine.

• 54:12Speaker 01

  Oh, Jim Florentine, yeah.

• 54:13Theo Von?

  My bad, yeah. Just all those guys, man. That was magical.

• 54:16Speaker 01

  It was fun, and it was a goo- you would see your friends. I mean, the last time I saw Patrice, I remember, he was on, uh, he was on, uh, was on ONA, and he was coming in one day. And they're like, "Hey, Patrice is coming in either Thursday or Friday," and we were just having an after-show meeting, and they're like, "Do you have any preference?" And I remember going, "Hey, let's do Thursday because, uh, I'm traveling Friday. I won't be here. I wanted to see him." And he came in and he did the show. That was the last time I saw him. Like, so it was like, you saw people that you would not have been likely to see-

• 54:45Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 54:45Speaker 01

  Coming through. Friends that were on the road. Uh, you would always get to see them because they'd come in the studio.

• 54:50Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 54:51Speaker 01

  That I miss a lot. Being in the center of that. Like, you know what I mean? And, you know, everyone headlined, so you don't see your friends anymore. You'd probably go years without seeing guys that you like.

• 55:00Theo Von?

  Totally.

• 55:00Speaker 01

  But, you know, there, I would see guys come, come through and, uh, yeah, man, I, I really, I loved those days a lot.

• 55:07Theo Von?

  It was special.

• 55:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, I felt it was.

• 55:09Theo Von?

  Um, you got to go to, uh, you went to Ozzy's last show?

• 55:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, me and Jim Florentine. Florentine got me my first paid gig in comedy. He's my oldest friend in comedy. And, uh, we knew Sabbath was doing one more show. So we went to London in Birmingham, booked a couple of gigs just to pay for the trip.

• 55:28Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 55:28Speaker 01

  And we did get to go to the show. I was, I'm so happy we went.

• 55:32Theo Von?

  Yeah?

• 55:32Speaker 01

  Yeah. And we said hello to Ozzy briefly at the end. Um, again, he was very frail at that point. Um, he was in a wheelchair, but we still got to say hello and I'm really happy we got to say hi at least and hey, I love the show. It was great. Um, that was, it was an unbelievable trip. We went to the Black Sabbath house. We did a video where the, you know, you ever see the original Black Sabbath album cover? There's a, a woman in front of a, this, this ominous house. Um, and we went there and we actually went up and looked inside. It was, it was a really, it was like, you know, again with your, your dumb friend. It's like, we should have done this 40 years ago.

• 56:06Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 56:06Speaker 01

  Like the fact that we did this in our late 50s, we should both be fucking pushed into a ditch, idiots.

• 56:12Theo Von?

  Oh dude, yeah. Well, there's also shit you get into on the road. Did you get to see Jack or Kelly or, um?

• 56:19Speaker 01

  Uh, yes, I saw both of them backstage. Uh,

• 56:21Theo Von?

  Jack's awesome. I don't know Kelly.

• 56:23Speaker 01

  She's a sweetheart and she, she actually, uh, uh, you know, she told me she was getting married and she was very sweet and Jack is always great. Um, and it's funny, the day Ozzy died, I was supposed to be in LA doing Jack's podcast. I was going out after Sabbath to LA for a day to do the podcast and, uh, the day before, whatever they canceled, they're like, yeah, Ozzy, Ozzy died. So, you know, it sucks. Nobody was expecting it this soon.

• 56:49Theo Von?

  Did you, do you feel like, like as you get older and people like, like heroes start to kind of disappear? What is that kind of like?

• 56:56Speaker 01

  You, you do see, it's almost like I look at us like we're on a production line. Like, you know what I mean? Like going this way and the more of them that drop off the end, you're like, uh-oh, my turn is coming. Like, but I also am grateful, like it makes you grateful. Like you get to know people, you get to meet people you love. Who's the biggest hero you've met since you've been doing stand-up that you actually got to talk to?

• 57:17Theo Von?

  Um, that's a good question.

• 57:20Speaker 01

  Or even the first one.

• 57:22Theo Von?

  Probably Chris Rock, I think.

• 57:24Speaker 01

  Really?

• 57:25Theo Von?

  Like for comedic hero for sure. Like getting to meet him was pretty, I thought was pretty special. Chris Pratt, I really liked getting to meet just because I think there's something really special about him. Like I think he's a great entertainer, but I, there's something I think really special about him.

• 57:39Speaker 01

  Are you shocked when there are fans of yours too? Like if you had anybody that you love?

• 57:43Theo Von?

  Jason Momoa, like the other day I was walking through somewhere and this big arm comes out and just pulls me in. It was just like two different areas passed and there was an open door in between them. And I was just like, oh my God, it's like, and I thought, I said, it's the guy from Shark Tank, right? I fucked up.

• 57:59Theo Von?

  And he just started laughing. He was like, and he said whatever show it was or whatever. Um, but he was just really nice and like, uh.

• 58:08Speaker 01

  And he likes your show.

• 58:09Theo Von?

  And he just said, hey, man, I'm, I just want to let you know that I'm a fan of yours. And yeah, yeah, things like that, especially like if it's sometimes like a male figure, I think it like, um, like I didn't have a lot of that when I was a kid. I didn't have like any male ever like being like, you know, I'm a fan of yours or like, I like what you, you know, I just didn't have any of that energy in my life. And so like even little moments like that, like to me are, are big, you know? Um, even Dustin Poirier, he and I becoming friends over the years.

• 58:34Speaker 01

  Oh, I love him. I've never, he's one of the few guys in the UFC I haven't met. I love Dustin.

• 58:37Theo Von?

  Yeah. I mean, he kind of changed my life in some ways of like, um, just of like, uh, you know, I, you know, like just checking in, what's up, you know, just little things like that, you know? It makes you, I don't know, like having like a tough figure that, that's like, you know, I'm looking out for you, just something, little thing like that, even though it's not even, it just kind of, it, it, it attaches itself to an old place in me that was missing part of a magnet.

• 59:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, a hundred percent.

• 59:02Theo Von?

  And when those click, it like makes you feel something.

• 59:04Speaker 01

  There's a weird thing too, when you have figures like that in your life who are checking in on you, there's like a weird sense of like accountability in a way, like even though you're not, you're just friends, but you still don't want your friend to say, hey, how you doing? And you go, oh, fucking, like you want to at least be doing something good. And, and your friends can keep you somewhat accountable. Like, you know what I mean? And not in the way that, you know, people use it now, like you gotta be accountable for your fad. Like, you know, that shit. Fucking online gotcha nonsense these children are doing. But I mean, like, like when you're personally just feeling like, I don't want to let this guy down, have him think I'm an asshole.

• 59:37Theo Von?

  Right, I'm gonna get out of bed today, or I'm gonna go do this extra thing. Just little things like that that keep people inspired. And then I think we all do that for each other in some ways, you know? Like, um, I'll get that feeling sometimes, like, I'm just gonna rattle this off to this person, even if they don't hit me back, that's fine.

• 59:50Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 59:50Theo Von?

  Just let them know, hey, man, I'm thinking about you, just let you know, you know, I think you're great, or I care about you, you're doing great today. Just little things like that, you know? And I think sometimes, my brother's like, well, those are things you really wish that people would say to you. And I'm like, that's fine, but I think the feeling I get is that I want to share it with somebody else, so it's, it's still okay, right?

• 1:00:09Speaker 01

  Hundred percent, and you're right, and the older you get, and the more people that die. Like, the more people like that die of natural causes, overdose, suicide, I mean, we've all, you know, sure, those things happen. But when they start just dying of like heart issues, or things that like are people things. You're like, oh, fuck, so you start telling people you love them more, and like, hey, man, I miss you, like, I'm not afraid to tell guys, hey, I miss you. Because like, there's one day you're gonna be like, I wish I could say that to this person, so I say it, like, you know what I mean? And I, I, when Patrice died, he's just an example. There's nothing in our relationship that went unsaid. Like, there's nothing I wish, oh, man, I wish he, like, we had a complete relationship. You know what I mean, like, with, and you make sure that with your close friends, you have complete relationships.

• 1:00:51Speaker 01

  So there's nothing that you go like, oh, my God, for the rest of my life, I'm gonna wish that they knew that I felt this way. Do you know what I mean, like? And that's really important to me now, is like, these complete relationships. Like, if Bobby, not to jinx Bobby, but if Bobby, or Anthony, or one of my close, dropped it, I would, I would, they, they know how I feel.

• 1:01:09Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:01:09Speaker 01

  We, we, we know, it's, it's not like it went unsaid.

• 1:01:13Theo Von?

  Do you ever think over time, like, did you think, like, you were missing relationships like that when you were younger? Like, were you missing, like, some, like, do you think people could be, like, missing a connection with, like, a male figure? And then that gets, that gets, that creates gay curiosity in somebody over time? Does that make any sense to you?

• 1:01:31Speaker 01

  Sure, I mean, I, I, what, what creates curiosity in, in anybody I don't know? Like, that could be one thing that causes it, like, because you're craving that connection, and all of a sudden, you're like. Well, there's a sexual component to this too, where I wanna connect and I think it's sexual. I don't know exactly what, like I said, what makes me have a pull.

• 1:01:51Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:01:51Speaker 01

  Towards something, but there are things like that that I think can influence it. Like, if you don't have any male figures in your life and you get close to a male figure, you may love that person and then not know like, wow, is this love like, I wanna lay down with this person? Or is this just a healthy, normal?

• 1:02:06Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:07Speaker 01

  I love you, man. Like, why? Do you have gay curiosity?

• 1:02:09Theo Von?

  I think there will know the, well, well, there was time in my life where I like, didn't, like, I was just definitely like a late bloomer with a lot of like, um, like intimacy of any type.

• 1:02:20Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:02:21Theo Von?

  You know, like, I weren't like, I was just talking about this the other day with a friend, but it was like, even now, if a woman like looks at me, it's like, or says something nice, I gotta change the fucking subject. I just, it's hard for me to be in that moment, right? It's hard for me to be right here. And, um, but yeah, growing up, I just felt like I didn't get a lot of like, uh, I didn't have like a strong brotherly or fatherly connection. And so like, when I started to get relationships like that with friends later on, I think it was a part of me for a little bit, it was like, oh, is this like a gay, like, uh, cause I think I was so desperate for those relationships. So part of me, it had a wager in my head, like, is this a gay thing? Or is this just a friend thing? And then, I had to learn how much can you just be a friend to somebody without kind of over,

• 1:03:03Theo Von?

  not seeming into a like, a homosexual like space or sexual space, but just like into where it's awkward for them because you're trying to be too much of a friend because you just have never had that sort of friendship.

• 1:03:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, but there is, it's, it's a feeling that there's a definitive like a moat. Like, if, if I loved one of my friends, uh, I, I'm, I'm like, like Bobby or any of these guys, I, I, Voss, Rotten Voss, who I love. Uh, Colin, I love these guys. I, I, I mean, I really love them. And I can hug them and tell them I love you, but there's, there's a moat between that and wanting to peck them on the neck.

• 1:03:44Theo Von?

  For sure.

• 1:03:44Speaker 01

  There is a definitive line. And that's what people a lot of times don't, like, like any guys who are freaked out by my lifestyle, like, that's fucking gross. Like, most guys have to understand, like, the idea of me having sex with you is as disgusting to me as it is to you. Like, it makes me nauseous to think about it. Like, any, if any of my friends think I wanna jerk off with them, they're very delusional. I don't, none of them. I don't care if they're built like Rogan, none of them would I jerk off with.

• 1:04:10Theo Von?

  Yeah, glazing that ham, brother.

• 1:04:13Speaker 01

  None of them. So it's like, there is a, there is a line between love and really connecting with a friend and feeling intimate with a buddy.

• 1:04:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:22Speaker 01

  Uh, which I'm glad as an adult male, I'm allowing myself to do. Like, I'm not afraid of that. And, and, and feeling sexual. They're completely different.

• 1:04:29Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:30Speaker 01

  Things for me. But, you know, that's, so that, yeah, there can be a diff- you can love somebody without having any of that stuff.

• 1:04:35Theo Von?

  Yeah, and I think you just hear so much like, you know, when you're young, it's like, there's, there was always so many like, you can't say this around a dude or something. A lot of that's kind of changed over the years. Especially me, I'm a pretty emotional dude, and so I like thinking about emotions, and I like, um, you know, I like kind of examining that stuff. But yeah, I think there was probably, there was probably some times where I was like, is this, am I like, and also I was having so much trouble like communicating with women. So it also just say, well, maybe I'm gay man, you know, maybe I'm gay man. And I, but then I, I never felt an attraction to men. And so it was like, um, but I think some of that's pretty normal. I'm amazed at a lot of my friends, as I get older, that, um, date trans, uh, prefer to date trans women.

• 1:05:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, you'll, you'll find a lot of people that.

• 1:05:20Theo Von?

  It's, it's, it's, it's a, it's a lot more than I ever expected.

• 1:05:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it's, it's part of, people think like, what, it's this new thing, but a lot of it is you, people are just not hiding anymore.

• 1:05:30Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:05:30Speaker 01

  Or they're just not as afraid of it, or they're more aware of it, because there's more people who are trans now, and there's more like, uh, you know, with, with, with surgeries and estrogen and like, oh, wow, that person looks great. Like, there's so many things people do. It's just, it's, it's a part of the culture, and it's not gonna go away. Like, I know some people, I understand nobody wants an ideology beaten over their head. I get it.

• 1:05:51Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:51Speaker 01

  Nobody wants to be told how to feel. I don't scold people if they don't agree with me. I don't care.

• 1:05:55Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:56Speaker 01

  Plenty of people I know who I respect and like, would find my lifestyle awful. It's always funny because I do a lot of Gutfeld episodes, and when I go on the.

• 1:06:04Theo Von?

  I gotta come there one time.

• 1:06:05Speaker 01

  He's great.

• 1:06:05Theo Von?

  He a nice guy?

• 1:06:06Speaker 01

  He's a great guy. He really, he's a genuine, and he's really funny, and he's fair.

• 1:06:09Theo Von?

  And Jamie Lesso is on there sometimes, huh?

• 1:06:11Speaker 01

  Jamie's great on that show.

• 1:06:12Theo Von?

  I love Jamie.

• 1:06:13Speaker 01

  Uh, Tyrus is really great at what he, he's just a very naturally funny, good talker.

• 1:06:19Theo Von?

  Tyrus is a big guy and he's mixed, right?

• 1:06:21Speaker 01

  He's mixed, he's mixed.

• 1:06:22Theo Von?

  He lives in the town that I'm from, in Louisiana.

• 1:06:25Speaker 01

  Oh, he is from Louisiana, that's right. He goes home all the time.

• 1:06:27Theo Von?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:06:28Speaker 01

  Uh.

• 1:06:28Theo Von?

  That's cool. I saw him at the gym one time.

• 1:06:30Speaker 01

  He's inspired me in a way because he lost so much weight recently, like it made me get back to the gym. I'm like, and I, I know for him it's been a struggle. And I'm like, he's doing it. He's putting up videos of himself boxing. I'm like, just get in the fucking gym.

• 1:06:40Theo Von?

  Dude, he looks like all of The Lion King in one person.

• 1:06:44Speaker 01

  He does.

• 1:06:46Theo Von?

  He's in a respectable way.

• 1:06:48Speaker 01

  Very intimidating, um, and Kat, I don't want to leave Kat Timfau, she's fucking hilarious. Uh, it, it's a great show. So anyway, I do that and I go on the road and a lot of those fans don't know me except from that show.

• 1:07:00Theo Von?

  Oh, that's hilarious.

• 1:07:01Speaker 01

  It's so, I, nothing I like more than watching the joy just drain from their face. When they realize who they paid to see.

• 1:07:09Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:10Speaker 01

  But I, you know, more people, I guess now are, are more comfortable being themselves. Cause you also, it's, it's like, you know, I mean, I was, when I was a kid, I was, I'm older than you, it's in the seventies. I got called a faggot all the time. I got beaten up and chased by older kids for doing little sexual things with boys. Um, the word gets out, like, he's a faggot, like, and it, it was nasty, so.

• 1:07:29Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:07:30Speaker 01

  It's nice that people aren't being treated that way anymore.

• 1:07:33Theo Von?

  I didn't know that you had, had, had that kind of stuff happen. And while I, I think kids got called that, like, I certainly got called shit just for being like, being smart in a neighborhood where it was uncomfortable to know shit.

• 1:07:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:45Theo Von?

  Um, you know, like, uh.

• 1:07:48Speaker 01

  I wish it was for that reason, but no, that's not why they called me that. I was nose deep on a belly button.

• 1:07:55Speaker 01

  I earned it.

• 1:07:56Theo Von?

  Hey, some people call it penis. Some people call it long pussy, you know? That's a new term for it out there.

• 1:08:03Speaker 01

  A long pussy.

• 1:08:04Theo Von?

  Like, let's just say she's got a long pussy, you know? But dude, yeah, people are such perverts now, who even? But then also, it is crazy because there has been this energy that we've all been following this like astute level of our government in this. But then now you realize, oh, these, half these guys are damn pedophiles running around skeeting on fucking, you know, kids off the coast of fucking wherever. It's like, what's going on?

• 1:08:28Speaker 01

  I, that's why I don't believe any of it. Like, they're talking about with the marriage and the sanctity of marriage, and then you find out that person's divorced. It's like, man, I don't, I don't want to hear you weigh in. If you're divorced, shut the fuck up about who can get married, because you didn't do it right. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I, I don't believe any of it. It's just like, I don't believe progressives when they're talking about, you know, being so pious and the purity checks they put everyone through. It's like, you're full of shit too. All your friends are white. Shut up.

• 1:08:55Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:55Speaker 01

  Like, you know what I mean? I don't believe any of them.

• 1:08:57Theo Von?

  That shit, when people are saying that have never lived in the South of how things should be in the South? Fuck you. Calm down, live in our neighborhoods for a little bit, see what the shit is like, you know? It's the same sometimes with the border stuff. I don't know what it's like to live on the border in Brownsville, Texas. I don't know what people's lives are like right there. I don't know the fears people have when they put their kids to sleep at night. I don't know the fears people have who are trying to come over, who are trying to get their, give their kids a place where they can go to sleep at night. Like, I don't know what that's like. So, like, I have thoughts about it sometimes, but to really be like so definitive and shit, it's crazy to me.

• 1:09:30Speaker 01

  Well, you, yeah, and because you, you, dealing with the immigration with, with Nikki, which we, again, we did it legally, and it's a long, the immigration system should be sped up. Like, it should be a 24-hour system that's always got people working. Because it's like, your life is ticking away, and you're waiting, and they're, they're sending paperwork through the US mail. It's like, Jesus Christ. Like, these are like-

• 1:09:50Theo Von?

  Which is just a trap. The mail, it's basically like handing- A letter to a black guy in hope and he takes it where it's supposed to go.

• 1:09:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, just here you go. Please bring that to the government. This is the request for evidence. Here it is. When there's so much more, it's a government, anything with the government is not going to be efficient. So immigration, they really should streamline it more and make it, and hire more people. Like that, because I understand why people hop the fence, but I don't agree with it because we did it legally. Like, but I'm lucky I could afford a lawyer. Like, a lot of people can't afford attorneys. So I kind of go back and forth with it.

• 1:10:24Theo Von?

  Well, it's nuanced, you know? And people get so upset about the ICE thing, but here's what I think people don't understand. We're headed to a surveillance state, I believe, in America.

• 1:10:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:10:33Theo Von?

  Like, they're doing this, like, Palantir has this new deal. They're the same ones that are, like, owning all these drones and operating a lot of these drones in Gaza and stuff.

• 1:10:41Speaker 01

  Their company, right, Palantir?

• 1:10:42Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:43Speaker 01

  Allegedly.

• 1:10:43Theo Von?

  That are sniping children. I mean, we had a doctor and he said bullets would come straight down and like, from a butt, like a succinct shot. So that's the same company, like, you won't be able to be in, like hypothetically, or on paper, illegal person in America in two years, I don't think. Because the radar will go off, like, the facial recognition will go, you can't do it. So they're getting all the paperwork organized now. They're just taking inventory right now, and I know it's painful.

• 1:11:09Speaker 01

  With the face, you're right, the facial recognition, like, I don't mind it at the airport. Like, I know some people won't let them take the picture. But I show up at the airport sometimes, and I did just take a picture of my fucking, my stupid face, and I just walk through. I love it. Anything that makes my life easier. And I know that so many civil libertarians are telling me to go fuck myself. You're right, fine, I don't care. I mean, I'm 57. I just like fucking going on a plane fast.

• 1:11:35Theo Von?

  Oh, I wish things were different a lot of times, but also, here we are. Right? It's like, I can wish things were different. I can romanticize that we're still before 9/11. But that's not where we are right now. We're in this fucking place. But I believe that's why all the stuff with ICE. So people sometimes are so like, they shouldn't be doing. I know, I understand people have different feelings, but there's no other way to get to where we're headed. By them getting everybody on the books.

• 1:12:01Speaker 01

  And I would like to get people, like criminals, once you commit a crime. Get out like.

• 1:12:05Theo Von?

  Yeah, or hang, I'm, I'm fine with hangings. I'm fine with executions.

• 1:12:09Speaker 01

  For some people, yeah.

• 1:12:10Theo Von?

  Not everybody.

• 1:12:11Speaker 01

  No, no, no, but those who really misbehave.

• 1:12:13Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:14Speaker 01

  Although it's funny, I've turned against the death penalty like.

• 1:12:16Theo Von?

  Have you?

• 1:12:17Speaker 01

  But not, they, they always say it's cruel and unusual punishment. There's, there's a, uh, there's a line in Injustice Roll where he's talking about something. He goes, in theory, it's great, but in practice, it sucks. I think in theory, the death penalty is allowable. Like, I don't think it's cruel and unusual. I think people who hurt children and kill children, I'm, I'm all for their fucking heads being mushed between two giant pieces of metal. I just don't trust the system enough and I don't trust prosecutors enough to back off. Like, there's so many times that they care more about the record of the office than they do the actual truth.

• 1:12:50Theo Von?

  Good point.

• 1:12:50Speaker 01

  So that's the only reason that's turned against it. It's nothing to do with it being, I, I think it's a perfectly allowable thing, but our system isn't perfect.

• 1:12:58Theo Von?

  That's a good point.

• 1:12:58Speaker 01

  Do you know what I mean?

• 1:12:59Theo Von?

  Oh, a hundred percent. It's like when a coach runs up the score at the end of the game. Like, how do you know that, that prosecutor's office isn't just trying to run up the score?

• 1:13:06Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 1:13:07Theo Von?

  Because maybe they're trying to make their office look better with so many deals and they're gonna sell to a bigger company.

• 1:13:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:11Theo Von?

  You just never know. That's a great point.

• 1:13:13Speaker 01

  And they don't want to pay lawsuits. Um, so there's, I, I just don't trust the integrity of the people who will look bad if it's overturned.

• 1:13:21Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:22Speaker 01

  Um, and you look back, there's enough prosecutorial misconduct where you're like, ah. Not, not technicality shit, not where a guy had bloody underpants in his fucking house, but the search warrant had the wrong date on it. Like, I'm not talking about technical shit.

• 1:13:36Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:37Speaker 01

  But there are people who legitimately didn't commit the crime and then you see like evidence that wasn't given to their attorneys, like.

• 1:13:44Theo Von?

  Yeah, happens a lot.

• 1:13:45Speaker 01

  I just can't get around that.

• 1:13:46Theo Von?

  A lot of poor people too.

• 1:13:47Speaker 01

  Much more than rich people. That's a good point too. They like, so if, if everyone got the same le- level of legal representation.

• 1:13:53Theo Von?

  It's not what happens though.

• 1:13:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't think it's racial. I think it's, it's money. Like, if you have enough money for great lawyers, you have enough money for great lawyers.

• 1:13:59Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:59Speaker 01

  But if you don't, you get some guy that's overworked, who's doing it, you know, because he has to do it, uh, pro bono. You're not gonna get the level of experts and all these people that can refute evidence. So whatever, that's how I feel about it. But I do think that emotionally, I agree with it. Like, you know what I mean? I get why people wanna cut throats.

• 1:14:16Theo Von?

  What's also, it starts to, you start to think, is there bad DNA in the universe?

• 1:14:20Speaker 01

  Sure, you're looking at it.

• 1:14:21Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:28Theo Von?

  Dahmer's Petri dish.

• 1:14:31Speaker 01

  He has five foot six and fucking bad DNA.

• 1:14:35Theo Von?

  Did you guys ever get to, um, did you guys ever get to interview OJ Simp? Did you guys ever interview a murderer?

• 1:14:41Speaker 01

  Did we ever? Um, I don't, I don't know if he ever, I've interviewed Frank Lucas, uh, who was in, uh, who was the, this.

• 1:14:49Theo Von?

  Martha Moxley, that wasn't that guy, was it?

• 1:14:51Speaker 01

  No, it was American Gangster, that Denzel played him. Uh, but there's a moment where he went up and shot somebody. So he, he might qualify. Uh, I'm dying to interview Sammy the Bull. I'm dying to talk to him because I, this podcast is fascinating. Uh, you know who one of the best guys we ever talked to was? It was this giant cop from Milwaukee. His name was something Kennedy. He was six foot seven and he was the cop who debriefed Jeffrey Dahmer. When they arrested Dahmer and they brought Dahmer to the station house, he's the cop, the detective that Dahmer first talked to. And he said at first he didn't believe him because he was like, yeah, I killed all these people. And then he said he got a call from the scene and they're like, yeah, with the refrigerator, we found heads. And then he had to go back over it. Yeah. Um.

• 1:15:36Theo Von?

  Patrick Kennedy, that's him.

• 1:15:37Speaker 01

  Kennedy. Yeah. He died unfortunately.

• 1:15:39Theo Von?

  He looks young.

• 1:15:39Speaker 01

  He was a giant, six foot seven beast of a man, very nice guy. But he, uh, and he admitted that when Dahmer died, he got emotional because he had gotten to know him. And he goes, he kind of got a little bit, he cried. He said, when, when Jeffrey Dahmer was killed because he was a bad guy, but he still, you know, whatever. When you know someone, you know them. But a murderer, I, that's a good, I don't know. Um.

• 1:16:02Theo Von?

  But never OJ, huh?

• 1:16:04Speaker 01

  Never talked to OJ. I corresponded with him once. I sent him a DM trying to get him on the radio show and he did respond to me. But, um, he, we never got him on. This is after he got out of jail, uh, for, for, in the Vegas thing.

• 1:16:18Theo Von?

  My buddy has a story where they were, uh, in New York one night and they were doing some cocaine and this was after the murders. And somebody was like, oh, I don't have a key on me. And OJ pulled a knife out of his jacket. And they did it off of the knife.

• 1:16:32Speaker 01

  He jimmy'd the lock?

• 1:16:34Theo Von?

  No, he, they just-

• 1:16:34Speaker 01

  Oh, the coke!

• 1:16:35Theo Von?

  The coke. They were doing the cocaine and he, and they pulled the knife out and they did the, they, and they were all looking at him like it was fucking crazy that he would do that.

• 1:16:44Speaker 01

  Why would you carry that? And the only thing crazier than that is me acting like someone's aunt. What, they couldn't get in the house? What an asshole. How did I miss the point of that? I apologize.

• 1:16:53Theo Von?

  Ice cold.

• 1:16:53Speaker 01

  I'm stupid. I'm a stupid man. You're talking about doing coke and I'm like, what, did they jimmy the lock? Oh, fucking blithering old idiot. I'm an old man. Um, yeah, that's, uh, that's a very bizarre. Maybe OJ had to at that point though, because he, you know, people had such strong feelings about that. Maybe he was afraid somebody was gonna jump out and take a shot at him.

• 1:17:11Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:12Speaker 01

  Or, or, or attack him. I never met him.

• 1:17:15Theo Von?

  Yeah, I don't know. Uh, I, I feel like we had a chance to meet him when he was doing podcasts and he was getting paid for them for a while.

• 1:17:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:17:22Theo Von?

  And we didn't buy, we didn't go into that.

• 1:17:24Speaker 01

  I would love to. I met Kevorkian once, but, uh, Ron Bennington, I think interviewed him. And he was there, so I took a picture with Dr. Kevorkian, but I would love to have gotten to talk to him. I never got to talk to him unfortunately. Some of them, he's just like, fuck.

• 1:17:36Theo Von?

  Did you guys have Trump on your show sometimes?

• 1:17:38Speaker 01

  He called in, uh, a couple of times. Matt and I, for UFC Unfiltered, interviewed Trump, uh, it was before he got the nomination for the, we knew he was gonna get it, but it was like in between, Biden was president. And, uh, he, we, they, they reached out to us. They're like, do you wanna interview President Trump? We're like, yeah. So we went to Vegas and we did it in the, uh, the Trump Hotel. And he was really great. Like, it was a sports interview. Cause Dana's like, I don't want this to be politics. This is not a political show. We talked to him for about 40 minutes.

• 1:18:11Theo Von?

  About boxing and stuff?

• 1:18:12Speaker 01

  Boxing, MMA, cause Trump was a great friend to the UFC. He was a tremendous asset to the UFC, long before they had what they have now. Um.

• 1:18:23Theo Von?

  Yeah, Dana speaks about that a lot.

• 1:18:25Speaker 01

  His brain, dude, his brain, whether people love him politically or not, doesn't matter. I sat in the room with him, his fucking brain was really sharp. People thought we had cue cards set up because his answers were so on the money and he remembered every fighter and he remembered every fight. And people are like, these guys had cue cards set up and he was very sharp, so. And he was nice to my wife when I introduced him, so I had a great time talking to him.

• 1:18:48Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:49Speaker 01

  You can't not. Anybody who wins the presidency has some form of charisma.

• 1:18:52Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, I'm always, people are like, you had that, dude, what are you talking about? Do you know the street I grew up on? If I did an interview a president and I had the chance?

• 1:19:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19:01Theo Von?

  If I didn't sit with people, whether I agree with them or don't agree with them, like, how the fuck am I supposed to know anything about them or get any feeling as a human? As to what they may or may not be like, or how they operate, it's like, I would sit down with the devil, probably, and at least see if I could get a feel for some of his future plans.

• 1:19:19Speaker 01

  Absolutely, and then just, I would keep looking at his little cloven feet. Where do you get your shoes from, Dev?

• 1:19:27Speaker 01

  But yeah, who, who wouldn't want to sit with the, like, again, and he was nice. I would, I would, I would show the same respect to Biden or Kamala, and any, any of them I talked to, I would be respectful to, and, and have a nice conversation with. There's this weird line where people are, how could you talk to Trump? Shut up.

• 1:19:41Theo Von?

  Yeah. You shut the fuck up. You don't have the chance to talk to any of these people, and I don't mean that in a negative way, but fuck you.

• 1:19:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, I, I absolutely agree with, whoever wants to interview somebody, why should just the, the quote unquote, press have access to people? If they're willing to come on and talk, why wouldn't you talk to them?

• 1:19:58Theo Von?

  But then I do, uh, some of those guys interviewed Netanyahu and I did not like that, though.

• 1:20:02Speaker 01

  Oh, you did? So you had that kind of feeling?

• 1:20:04Theo Von?

  Yep, I'm just thinking that out loud, so, so I guess there's a part of me that doesn't really feel that way.

• 1:20:08Speaker 01

  But if you didn't, there's a difference between not liking something.

• 1:20:12Theo Von?

  I wouldn't interview him.

• 1:20:13Speaker 01

  And vocal, you, you wouldn't, you would choose not to. Would you, maybe you could interview and ask him tough questions?

• 1:20:18Theo Von?

  I think I would probably try to ask him stuff that really means something to me.

• 1:20:21Speaker 01

  Sure. And that's fair, like that, they know that if you're Netanyahu, or you're Trump, or you're Biden, you know that when you go into an interview, part of it might be this guy asking you questions from, from a belief system that is not yours, so you might hear things you don't like. Uh, but yeah, that'd, that'd be the best thing to do is to interview him and ask him shit that he might not want to answer, but that you want to know the answer to.

• 1:20:42Theo Von?

  Do you think that's better than not interviewing somebody?

• 1:20:45Speaker 01

  It's personal preference. I mean, I don't think you're wrong to not want to talk to somebody. I, I think if you go, nah, I'd rather not, I think that's perfectly fair. Um, but I think that part of the thing too is when you're sitting in the room with somebody, no matter who they are, even if you hate them, there is sometimes something about them that you connect to and like, and it becomes harder to hate them. Again, it, it doesn't have to be a politician. I've met people, like Lauren Boebert, I don't, I don't know her, I don't agree with her politics, and I met her once and she was very nice.

• 1:21:17Theo Von?

  That's Kid Rock's girl, not his girlfriend, is it?

• 1:21:19Speaker 01

  I don't know. I met her at, she was at a Kill Tony event. But, but she was so nice, and I enjoyed chatting with her, and it's like, even if I don't agree with her, I, I don't have the same feelings about her that are bad. Like, you know what I mean? Cause I've met her and she was nice.

• 1:21:32Theo Von?

  Oh, for sure.

• 1:21:33Speaker 01

  It's harder for me to look at her like just this person who's got no real feelings and no real connection to anything.

• 1:21:40Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. She got them bumpers on her too.

• 1:21:42Speaker 01

  She is quite attractive. Yeah, yeah, she looks great. Um, I got zero vibes off her, but I mean, she was, you know, as I shouldn't have.

• 1:21:49Theo Von?

  Yeah, it doesn't matter.

• 1:21:50Speaker 01

  But she was nice. So when you meet somebody, sometimes you think you know what they're gonna be like, and they wind up impressing you, and you're like, ah, it's harder for me to dislike them. But Netanyahu is, that's such a controversial issue. I'm not saying you would like the guy, but you know what I mean? Sitting across from him, you may feel differently, or you may hate him more.

• 1:22:09Theo Von?

  Right. Yeah, there is something about sitting across from somebody, or at least sitting across from them. There is some connection of like spatial energy, of, of something like that, of like... Because I think it is human to want to find some commonality with people.

• 1:22:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, you want to find something that you kind of, like, it's funny, we were interviewing one time Ben Kingsley. And I remember talking to him.

• 1:22:30Theo Von?

  Who is he?

• 1:22:31Speaker 01

  He was, like, he was in the, he's just, he's an actor. He was in, I think, did he play Gandhi? He might have played Gandhi. He's been in everything. I mean.

• 1:22:38Theo Von?

  Ben Kingsley?

• 1:22:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's been, did he play Gandhi? I could be, he's a very famous actor. He had a great, great, yeah, he was Gandhi.

• 1:22:45Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:22:45Speaker 01

  Um, and he's been around for.

• 1:22:48Theo Von?

  I was thinking of Peter Billingsley, that's what I'm thinking of.

• 1:22:50Speaker 01

  Who's Peter Billingsley? I know that name too.

• 1:22:51Theo Von?

  He is, um, the guy who kissed that pipe and he got his tongue stuck on it?

• 1:22:58Speaker 01

  Oh, in the, in the, uh.

• 1:23:00Theo Von?

  Christmas Story.

• 1:23:01Speaker 01

  Yes, yes. But we were just talking to Ben Kingsley.

• 1:23:03Theo Von?

  Okay, so Ben Kingsley.

• 1:23:04Speaker 01

  No, no, I just remember talking to him and he was answering me. And I remember thinking, in any other circumstance, this guy wouldn't fucking spit on me. Like, he would never talk to me.

• 1:23:14Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:23:15Speaker 01

  At a party or at a premiere. But in this weird setting, I'm like, so what about, and he's like, well, and he's like, giving a real answer. And it's such an odd thing interviewing somebody like, people that normally would never acknowledge you now have to listen to you and actually think about how to answer your question. It's a weird psychology.

• 1:23:34Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 1:23:35Speaker 01

  Um, and I remember that just struck me when I was talking to him, because our worlds are so different. Like, he would never talk to me in real life.

• 1:23:41Theo Von?

  Got it.

• 1:23:41Speaker 01

  And I've never talked to him again.

• 1:23:42Theo Von?

  Right. I see what you're saying.

• 1:23:44Speaker 01

  But I can't think of someone I wouldn't interview, but maybe if it was brought up in front of me, I might say no.

• 1:23:48Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:48Speaker 01

  I can't think of anyone.

• 1:23:49Theo Von?

  I dig up, I just, I start to realize that some people will just use you. They, and you don't realize it. Like, I used to think, like, everybody just wants to come and they want to have a conversation and stuff. You can learn stuff about each other. But then some people just want to use, like, they'll use you to get their message out there. And I think I didn't realize sometimes that that's how things work.

• 1:24:06Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:24:06Theo Von?

  And so I think I've noticed that more over time. So maybe that would keep me out of certain conversations, you know?

• 1:24:11Speaker 01

  It depends on.

• 1:24:12Theo Von?

  Maybe like with Yahoo.

• 1:24:14Speaker 01

  You afraid that he would just use you to message?

• 1:24:16Theo Von?

  I, I feel like his group is so calculated, that they would be able to do it in a way that I wouldn't even maybe see it, you know? I don't know.

• 1:24:25Speaker 01

  I think that all, anyone in public life, especially in, like, official politicians, congressmen.

• 1:24:31Speaker 01

  They all do this thing where they have talking points and they're very, they're masters at veering back to a talking point and when they're bad at it, we hate them. Sometimes they're good at it and you don't realize they're doing it, but most times we're savvy enough to go, what are you fucking? They're like, look, you know, you'll be like, what about that thing where they did find the dead prostitute in your closet? No, I know, but the thing with the economy is, and they're right back to talking about their, and you're like, you didn't answer the fucking question. That's why so many of them are so hateable, because I think we've gotten a little bit better at seeing it now.

• 1:25:02Theo Von?

  For sure.

• 1:25:02Speaker 01

  When they're back on their talking points.

• 1:25:04Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:06Speaker 01

  And that's why, that's why I love the interview that we did with Trump because it was just, it really was just a conversation about sports. And I would love to, I wish I had told him how much I love that he talked to Kim Jong Un. I didn't get to say that to him, I wish I had, I just forgot afterwards, but we were saying our goodbyes and he was taking pictures of everybody. And I wish I had told him, like, I love that he went to North Korea and tried. Like, I love that he made an effort with that little short weird guy.

• 1:25:31Theo Von?

  And he cool, huh? You think Un is cool or what?

• 1:25:33Speaker 01

  If you're a Chicago Bull, yeah. Like, if you played for the Bulls, he's awesome.

• 1:25:38Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:25:38Speaker 01

  Um, you know, if your uncle was in the military and made a questionable decision, you're executed.

• 1:25:45Speaker 01

  I imagine there's a downside to it. Depends on who you are.

• 1:25:48Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, he looks fucking cool, dude.

• 1:25:51Speaker 01

  He looked interesting to be, like, here's what I would think with him. I would be afraid that I'd be in North Korea and there's a language barrier and he would want to toast with alcohol. And I would try to tell him like I'm an alcoholic, so I'd have to refuse the drink and that would start a whole, you insulted the leader thing.

• 1:26:08Theo Von?

  Yeah, you wouldn't know, I think sometimes whenever you insulted them, I think that would be kind of, yeah, something like that could be really miscued or something.

• 1:26:15Speaker 01

  You know who fascinates me? The Sultan of Brunei.

• 1:26:17Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:26:18Speaker 01

  Who owns like the Beverly Hilton, like, that's a guy who lives, that'd be a fun guy to know.

• 1:26:23Theo Von?

  Cause he, I might go to Abu Dhabi for...

• 1:26:28Theo Von?

  UFC in October.

• 1:26:29Speaker 01

  Who's fighting?

• 1:26:29Theo Von?

  Or November. I don't know what the card is.

• 1:26:31Speaker 01

  I see you at all the events. Like, even if I'm home watching, I'm on the road. They always pant you. You're always there early. I love that you're always there early. Yeah.

• 1:26:38Theo Von?

  Well, I just get to see, like, you know, Chris Weidman was fighting on his retirement fight, I think, was fighting on the, I suppose the main, it might have even been the first fight of the main card or something, but like, I mean, there's just so many great fights. I just can't believe that people aren't there. These are like, guys that are going in there and women that are giving it. I mean, it's like, where are you?

• 1:26:56Speaker 01

  I wish I scheduled better because they just announced, uh, I think Jack Dalla Madalena and Makachev at the, uh, uh, in the Garden in November. And I immediately look at my schedule. I'm in Oregon. And I'm like, nothing against Oregon.

• 1:27:11Theo Von?

  No, but it just hurts.

• 1:27:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I probably didn't even say it right. Oregon, or the fuck your dumb state is. I'm coming.

• 1:27:17Theo Von?

  What, um, oh, you know what? One of my favorite conversations was I ever had, honestly, it was with Louis. It was whenever we chose, because we didn't know each other at all.

• 1:27:24Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 1:27:24Theo Von?

  And we like, we just laughed and got to know each other. And then after that, we became closer, but that was one of my favorite podcasts ever, probably.

• 1:27:32Speaker 01

  He loves you. And it's funny, your name came up while we were traveling and he's like, he's a really great guy. He just raved about you. I didn't know that you were going to be talking to him or I was going to be even, uh, you were going to be seeing him, uh, this week. It was a nice surprise.

• 1:27:46Theo Von?

  Yeah, he's a special guy.

• 1:27:48Speaker 01

  He is, and he's a.

• 1:27:49Theo Von?

  It'd be hard to be him, I feel like, because he has so many thoughts and he's so able to like, look around the corner of thoughts and possibilities, like, I mean, really to like, like, fuck, it almost feels like it'd be scary to be him. Does that make any sense?

• 1:28:03Speaker 01

  No, a hundred percent, because his brain operates so well. Like, it's such an interesting and unique brain. Like, he helped me fix a joke that I wound up doing in the special. He saw me doing it at the cellar. He's, you might want to say it like this. And I did and it fixed it. It was better. Like, so when you have a guy like that, like, he just sees something and he lasers in on it. Uh, and the material is so good. His new hour is so good. And he's changing the order every night, trying this, trying that.

• 1:28:33Speaker 01

  You know, yeah, he's brilliant, man. That word is overused on people, but he truly is brilliant.

• 1:28:39Theo Von?

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• 1:29:23Theo Von?

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• 1:29:56Theo Von?

  I think, oh, did you grow, you grew up in New Jersey, right?

• 1:30:00Speaker 01

  I did, central Jersey.

• 1:30:01Theo Von?

  Did you get to ever meet James J. Braddock or not?

• 1:30:03Speaker 01

  Who's James J. Braddock?

• 1:30:04Theo Von?

  The Cinderella man?

• 1:30:06Speaker 01

  Never met him. Where's he from in Jersey?

• 1:30:07Theo Von?

  Bergen?

• 1:30:09Speaker 01

  No, but that's not that far from me.

• 1:30:12Theo Von?

  Joey Diaz used to shovel his driveway.

• 1:30:14Speaker 01

  Is he dead or alive?

• 1:30:16Theo Von?

  Joey's alive, but this guy's dead.

• 1:30:17Speaker 01

  No, I know Joey, yeah.

• 1:30:18Theo Von?

  James J. Braddock is dead.

• 1:30:24Speaker 01

  But if I didn't know Joey Diaz was, that would be sucked if he was dead. I was like, oh, sorry, I just talked to him.

• 1:30:29Theo Von?

  Yeah, Braddock dude, that Cinderella man's the best. You seen that?

• 1:30:32Speaker 01

  I have. Have I seen that? I don't think I have. Wow. I don't think I have. No, and I was six when he died. I was, I was born in 68.

• 1:30:40Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, I didn't realize he died that early. Oh, you and Nikki gotta watch, put on some condoms and watch this thing, dude.

• 1:30:45Speaker 01

  Condoms, forget it. Not before, during, or after our marriage. Well, every use one of those. Boo, those things.

• 1:30:52Theo Von?

  When it be winded? But, oh, this is my favorite movie. I just watched Silver Linings Playbook again. That movie's so good.

• 1:30:58Speaker 01

  That was very good. Yeah, De Niro and Bradley Cooper.

• 1:31:02Theo Von?

  I was watching Irish, the Irish Mickey Ward movie, The Fighter.

• 1:31:06Speaker 01

  I don't know if I saw that.

• 1:31:07Theo Von?

  Oh, it's so good.

• 1:31:07Speaker 01

  I think we've interviewed Mickey Ward, though, but I don't remember.

• 1:31:09Theo Von?

  I can see that.

• 1:31:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, he was, uh, he's still alive, right? He's out. I don't know what he was promoting. But UFC guys, by the way, are the nicest of all the athletes to interview.

• 1:31:17Theo Von?

  So funny.

• 1:31:18Speaker 01

  I've interviewed, uh, boxers tend to be a little standoffish, a little too cool for the room. You keep the sunglasses on, but UFC fighters, there's a humility to them. And, and Rogan said it's because like they get tapped a lot in the gym. When you're training, you're, you're being submitted and you're submitting. So there's a humility there that you keep because there's always somebody kind of getting the better of you. And maybe that's what it is. I don't know. But I like those guys the best.

• 1:31:41Theo Von?

  I think that makes sense. Oh, yes. Getting to be around some of those guys. Dude, I accidentally called, um, I called one of the fighters, Stipe Milicic, and it was not him.

• 1:31:49Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 1:31:50Theo Von?

  And I asked.

• 1:31:50Speaker 01

  Is it a woman?

• 1:31:54Theo Von?

  I asked, uh, two UFC employees. I was like, is that Stipe? Like, yes, that's him. And I went over to say, and it wasn't. It was, uh, Jan, uh, Br- Brakovic, Br- Jan?

• 1:32:04Speaker 01

  Jan Blachowicz?

• 1:32:05Theo Von?

  Jan Blachowicz, yeah.

• 1:32:05Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:32:07Theo Von?

  And at, it was just fucking scary for a minute.

• 1:32:11Speaker 01

  Would you say, hey, Stipe?

• 1:32:12Theo Von?

  Yeah. I was like, hey, how's the retirement going? And I think he didn't want to, you know, if a guy's not retired, you probably don't want to hear that. And I kind of like tickled him a little because I know Stipe a little.

• 1:32:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:32:23Theo Von?

  And it was just fucking tough. But, uh, you know, you win some, you lose some. He did give me a nice look later on that made me feel a little bit better, but just you gotta be care. Like, yeah, it's funny, like, it's almost like whenever you get too, like,

• 1:32:36Speaker 01

  You're like around a pit bull for a little while at a party, like, oh, now we're buddies? Yeah. You just wanna be a little careful sometimes around those guys. You wanna be a little bit careful because you never know what past trauma you remind them of in a minute when you do something. I had, I was in LA one time, many years ago, and I walked up and it was Patrick Swayze was coming out of a restaurant. So I walked up. Was he handsome? Very. And I go, dude, I love you. Can we take a picture? And I'm like, I'm such a, I'm such a fan, Patrick. And he goes, I'm not Patrick. And it was David Keith.

• 1:33:11Speaker 01

  And he was with a date. Whoa. That was embarrassing. That was fucking embarrassing. I thought it was Swayze. It wasn't. Oh, that is heavy. I could see that a little bit. That was years ago. That looks like Robert Wool, actually. Um, oh, did I fuck up? I just got nervous. It was Keith David, you mean? Oh, David Keith is, one's black, one's white. Oh, David Keith. Sorry. Did I say Keith David? Click on Keith David. Keith David's black. If it was him. Yeah, he was in Platoon. I, I, I, yeah. Mr. Swayze? He must have been like. Yeah, no, no. David Keith is white. He, he was in An Officer and a Gentleman. Dave, Dave Keith is a great actor. Oh, yeah. I just panicked. Oh, for sure.

• 1:33:53Speaker 01

  I was just nervous. Keith David, I met in an airport one time in LAX. The coolest guy in history. He was wearing like a completely white suit and white coat with a fucking white hat. That guy's just awesome. Yeah. He was also in that, that Michael Douglas, what was the movie? Platoon? No. Spartacus? It was a drug movie, uh, where the girl, Requiem for a Dream, I think he was in. Oh, that movie was interesting. Yeah. Uh, I think Jared Leto was in that. And he was really, uh, Keith David is tremendous. But in Platoon. You know.

• 1:34:27Theo Von?

  Yeah, that was a different time.

• 1:34:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's embarrassing. I relate to that. It's humiliating.

• 1:34:30Theo Von?

  Yeah, I'm trying to think. I know there's been something like that that I've had, but I think sometimes that is can't re- I think sometimes my brain just shuts down.

• 1:34:36Speaker 01

  Do you ever panic around people like that? Like where, like my brain is not working and I'm just like lost and I'm like, I know I should be more comfortable, but they're famous or whatever it is?

• 1:34:45Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. Johnny Depp came to the Comedy Store one night and it's still like a moment of lore because it was like, uh, Doug Stanhope brought him.

• 1:34:52Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:34:52Theo Von?

  And they were in the green room at the, in the main room and everybody was in there and I was like, I got there and they're like, uh, don't tell anybody Johnny Depp's here. And I knew when they're telling me, I was like, they've told everybody if they're telling me. And so, I go back in there and then all you know, like you don't even know who else is in there. It was like 50 people in this little room and John, and then like I got to somehow got to say, I said, hello, Mr. Johnny Depp. And then I had nothing else to say and it was very uncomfortable and I realized I was just there for me kind of, and I just got out of there.

• 1:35:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's embarrassing because you want to say something, but sometimes a person's famous and I like their work, but I don't have anything to say to them. Like, I admire your work. And that's kind of, uh, you know, where do you go from there? If you have nothing legitimate to say.

• 1:35:35Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 1:35:35Speaker 01

  And I've, I, I've done that. I've humiliated myself, uh.

• 1:35:39Theo Von?

  But they gotta be used to it too. They're like, and some of them will be helpful to you. They'll kind of ask you something to fucking put you back on your feet, you know? Or someone will shake you and be like, you're not a [BLEEP] son or whatever, you know?

• 1:35:50Speaker 01

  No one's ever shaken me and said that. I've, I've tried to say that in the mirror and I just wound up laughing.

• 1:36:02Theo Von?

  Jim has a crash chest dummy. He's just, it's like one of those battling dummies, but he just uses it to give it uplifting, positive, semi homosexual like.

• 1:36:12Speaker 01

  You're straight, Jim. Yeah, now you're not, Jim.

• 1:36:15Theo Von?

  Get back in there, Jim. You're straight.

• 1:36:17Speaker 01

  You can do it. You, it's not scary. It doesn't have teeth.

• 1:36:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I, oh, my, here's my Johnny Depp story. I was at, I got invited to, uh, it was Ozzy's actual, uh, 70th birthday party. I got to go to that.

• 1:36:32Theo Von?

  Wow, in the US?

• 1:36:33Speaker 01

  In, it was at his house in Beverly Hills.

• 1:36:35Theo Von?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:36:36Speaker 01

  And it was amazing. There was a lot of great people there and Johnny Depp, uh, was walking around and I was talking to him. And he was very nice. Um, and I talked to him three or four different times. We took a picture. And then I, uh, I realized it was a Johnny Depp impersonator. Stupid, no-show biz Jim Norton, like my aunt again. I fell for it. I, it was a Johnny Depp, 20 years younger than Johnny Depp, by the way. And I fucking fell for it, hook, line and sinker.

• 1:37:04Theo Von?

  All night, you're over there.

• 1:37:05Speaker 01

  I do, and I'm like, Johnny Depp, I got a picture. I've gotten, Dice got me on the road years ago. We were on the road in like late 90s. He goes, that's Charlie Daniels. So I took a picture with this guy. It was just some fucking hayseed and a cowboy hat.

• 1:37:19Speaker 01

  Oh, they got me so good. They got me, one time we were in the airport, it was an Opie and Anthony trip. We were going somewhere. And, uh, one of the Jonas Brothers was talking to his dad. They were traveling, one of the, and I'm, I'm not a fan of the Jonas Brothers. And I don't know their names.

• 1:37:34Theo Von?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:37:35Speaker 01

  But, uh, I'm like, I gotta, I'll take a picture with him. So I walk over and, uh, I just start talking to this 15-year-old kid and his dad. And I, and I was trying to take a picture, if you don't mind. And I look and they're, and they're all laughing. And I realize it's just some fucking kid with his dad. I creepily approached some 15-year-old. They're sitting in the airport eating lunch and some fucking old blinking petter-ass looking guy wants a photo with this boy.

• 1:37:59Theo Von?

  Ice cold.

• 1:37:59Speaker 01

  Oh my, cold, cold coffee. Edna Faust's head. Is there nothing better than her head movements?

• 1:38:08Theo Von?

  Oh my god, dude.

• 1:38:09Speaker 01

  She looks like the cop in Dog Day Afternoon. Give us all drinks, give us all drinks. Uh, but yeah, that was, uh, I've gotten, I've gotten God a few times like that, thinking it's a fucking celebrity. It's humiliating. But I, but I deserve it.

• 1:38:22Theo Von?

  Yeah, and we all need stuff like that, man. It's the stuff like that, that, uh... That just keeps you alive, I feel like.

• 1:38:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, and when you get one of your friends. And like, I do, I do like the ability to like, just go like, you're an idiot. It's funny.

• 1:38:37Theo Von?

  Yeah, to laugh at yourself. And what better thing? To hit on a kid and also realize you're not a pedophile.

• 1:38:42Speaker 01

  Well, I wasn't, I didn't, I didn't think it was cute. I just wanted a picture. I wasn't hitting on him. I didn't, I didn't say to him, "Son, if you need to go to the restroom, may I escort?" No, I was just trying to take a picture while they ate lunch. Some fucking kiosk at the airport. And then finally they looked at me like, "What?" And then I just happened to see Anthony and the rest of the guys fucking laughing. And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, they got me." I'm like, "Sorry, I just don't want to have my camera out. Fucking jerk off."

• 1:39:09Theo Von?

  Oh my god, dude.

• 1:39:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:39:11Theo Von?

  Ah, I don't know why that's one of those. For some reason, it's just so perfect. That was one thing that was nice about before, like, social media and everything, like, everything was possible. Nobody in a moment noticed you, like, "That's not them," or "This isn't possible." You could lie to people, but you couldn't lie to people, you could make stuff up. There was so much room for creativity and possibility and everything, because everybody didn't have all of the, like, hypothetical answers at the, at the, at their whim.

• 1:39:35Speaker 01

  All information.

• 1:39:36Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:36Speaker 01

  By looking at, yeah, like, I could have just Googled them and then seen, I imagine I could have at that point either. I was just so, thought it'd be so much fun to get a picture with one of the Jonas Brothers.

• 1:39:46Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:46Speaker 01

  I, I get pictures of people I don't give a fuck. I stopped doing that now as I'm older, but for a long time I did it because it was fun and...

• 1:39:52Theo Von?

  We had so many celebrities coming through your world, too.

• 1:39:54Speaker 01

  At one point, there were a lot, yeah.

• 1:39:56Theo Von?

  I mean, that show was crazy. To be in that lobby in that big building in New York, like, especially for young comics, you'd go there, and there's like, it looks like outer space when you get there downstairs the first time, if you haven't been in there. And it's those glass, like, something turns green and it opens it up, but first you have to go talk to somebody who's usually a diversity hire, I'm gonna say it, in a suit over there downstairs. And they would call up to somebody magically somewhere, you would get the thumbs up, they'd give you a little barcode, and now you're like, the doors open and then, bing, and it just, the elevator like, almost is like, "Come in here," and then you, and then... You go so high too, your ears pop and you get out and like fucking um Evander Holyfield is in the lobby.

• 1:40:39Theo Von?

  Or like Doja Cat or fucking Katy Perry, everybody's waiting to go into some little um enclave to get their voice out to the world. It was crazy.

• 1:40:47Speaker 01

  It was crazy and and and Stern was right down the hall too, so he would always have huge guests.

• 1:40:51Theo Von?

  Oh yeah.

• 1:40:52Speaker 01

  Um I nailed McCartney coming out of his studio one time. I got a picture with McCartney, that was a big one. Pele I got, like I've got if they weren't there for my show, but I still would if they're in the lobby, I'm like it's fair game. Uh and usually they would take it, you know, because you're in that, it's kind of a closed environment.

• 1:41:07Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 1:41:07Speaker 01

  Um but yeah, that would, that was one uh, that was one uh, that's a good shot with us too. I've always hated how my dumb neck looks. But uh, I yeah, because I was doing it for a selfie. And then McCartney goes, let my guy do it. So I handed it to his security guy. He was actually very nice. And uh, yeah, that's a great, a great shot.

• 1:41:25Theo Von?

  That's a pretty good picture, man. It's very risky handing it to someone else too, because you have no control over what they're gonna do.

• 1:41:30Speaker 01

  No control, but because Paul suggested it, I knew the guy would do, like do as he was at, like.

• 1:41:36Theo Von?

  Got it.

• 1:41:36Speaker 01

  It wasn't like I just handed it to some guy and I'm like, quickly.

• 1:41:39Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:41:39Speaker 01

  You know, um, he asked the guy and he probably knew, like, let me just get this fucking weird egg-headed kid out of here and go about my day.

• 1:41:47Theo Von?

  Yeah, this is a special needs adult.

• 1:41:49Speaker 01

  It really, yeah, it is. I I don't look particularly mentally healthy there or handsome.

• 1:41:53Theo Von?

  Did you feel like you were handsome when you were a kid or not?

• 1:41:55Speaker 01

  Never.

• 1:41:56Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:41:56Speaker 01

  No, I look back now, I was like, I was a cute little boy. Um I look back, I was like, yeah, when I was, I was, I I get why a lot of the older kids saw my face and deserved uh, that we should hump that. I I got it. I got, I got it.

• 1:42:11Theo Von?

  Were there a lot of predators in your neighborhood and shit?

• 1:42:13Speaker 01

  No, we were all in the same age group. There was maybe a couple, but uh, no, we were, I I, my my therapist tells me I was molested, but I was like, eh, I was kind of volunteering for it. I was there for it. You know what I mean? Like I was, yeah, I don't think so.

• 1:42:27Theo Von?

  I was hanging out on the mistletoe type of uh.

• 1:42:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was, I was, I was in on it, you know. Uh, oh, that's me at seventeen, that's.

• 1:42:34Theo Von?

  Is that you?

• 1:42:35Speaker 01

  That's me at seventeen.

• 1:42:36Theo Von?

  Oh my god, Jim.

• 1:42:39Speaker 01

  Young, young, urban Jim with a lot of attitude.

• 1:42:42Theo Von?

  Wow, I did not see this. You look like somebody that would work for Neil Brennan.

• 1:42:48Theo Von?

  You know what I'm saying? You look like a black, like definitely like a young wigger type of child.

• 1:42:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, that that hat really should have been removed from my head white with the clockwork orange shirt. I didn't know what I wanted to be.

• 1:42:58Theo Von?

  It's a, yeah, oh yeah, you're doing a lot of things here.

• 1:43:00Speaker 01

  That's why when I see people with these identity crises, like with with the, especially when they're like political about it or whatever, I understand the identity crisis. We all have them.

• 1:43:09Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:09Speaker 01

  In time and eventually you grow into who you are.

• 1:43:12Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, dude, I was doing the black thing for as a while for a kid. I did the like the Nirvana thing, Stone Temple Pilots, you know, I did all the things. Marilyn Manson, I went down a lot of different roads, the religious, you know, like different things, just like you were like, yeah, you're trying shit on.

• 1:43:29Speaker 01

  You're trying stuff on like, and that was, I was into like the little white kid who thinks he's black. I was doing that long before it was fashionable. Like in in the eighties, like, you know, when when Adidas still had fat laces and that was considered.

• 1:43:40Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:41Speaker 01

  But then you grow out of it and then you just kind of, somebody said one time, like, instead of looking for who you are, just get rid of all the shit that you're not and whoever you are just shows up. And that kind of made sense, like just stop looking for it and just live and you'll find. But I see so many people in life that are looking for an identity. That's what so much of this stuff is, public, you know what I mean? People that are so adamant, always talking, always talking about the same thing, always talking about the same thing. You're like, you want an identity.

• 1:44:05Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 1:44:06Speaker 01

  You you just, you're looking to, you you you want a little prefab identity, like a little.

• 1:44:12Theo Von?

  And do you think there's a way that we can get to know, like, so one of the things you just said is like, get rid of the things that you're not, right?

• 1:44:18Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:44:19Theo Von?

  Like, yeah, how do we find our identity more? Because I wonder if we used to be better at that. I feel like if we used to have more of communication with like our parents, you know, like back in like almost like caveman times, was there something more that your identity was kind of shaped with just being able to survive, right? And now we have this, all this other like this, all this other fucking ornamentation that helps us get a reflection of ourselves. I just wonder if it was different or if, how do, how do we find our identity better, I wonder?

• 1:44:48Speaker 01

  Well, there's also is no, there is less pressure then because now immediately everybody weighs in. So there's this pressure to weigh in so we don't drown like we want to just be above the above sea level. We just want to survive and be noticed and be alive. So there's no time for it. It's almost like that's why people have these again, these almost like big like when you see a house being driven down the street on the back of a flatbed like that prefab pre-built house. That's how people are with politics and with social issues. There, there, there's no time to go looking for nuance and it's like, okay, that's my, that's my, that's why I am. And that's, that's what I'm associated with. Everybody's so afraid of being run over by all of it. Um, so I think just don't, don't listen to what everybody else is saying. I don't give a shit what other people think about stuff. There, I, I don't begrudge them, but I don't care.

• 1:45:32Speaker 01

  Like I have plenty of friends whose politics I totally disagree with. I don't give a fuck.

• 1:45:36Theo Von?

  Did you always have a, did you have a tough time when you were young, like finding your, like deciding I'm gonna make my own choice for myself? Can you bring me one more water Trevin? We'll finish up in a couple of minutes.

• 1:45:44Speaker 01

  That's fine.

• 1:45:45Theo Von?

  Um.

• 1:45:45Speaker 01

  I have to piss.

• 1:45:46Theo Von?

  I didn't believe we were gonna be going this long.

• 1:45:47Speaker 01

  How long have we been talking?

• 1:45:48Theo Von?

  Probably two hours.

• 1:45:49Speaker 01

  What?

• 1:45:50Theo Von?

  You wanna pee really fast?

• 1:45:51Speaker 01

  Can I? Yeah, cuz I'm loving this chat.

• 1:45:53Theo Von?

  There's a bathroom right behind that curtain.

• 1:45:55Speaker 01

  Oh, okay, awesome.

• 1:45:57Theo Von?

  Dude, one thing I noticed about having to pee dude is as I get older, that kinda is not fun, but here's what I noticed is some of these underpants, the stuff on them is too tight. So all night, your bladder has to pee even with just a little bit of liquid in it.

• 1:46:12Speaker 01

  It's pressing all night. You're absolutely right. And also the fact getting fatter doesn't help. Um, like when I fly, I, I, I hate that feeling pressing on my bladder. I'll fly, I always wear sweatpants and no underwear when I fly.

• 1:46:24Theo Von?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:46:24Speaker 01

  And it's not to be creepy. It's because this way I feel like I'm not as confined as I was. I, I, I piss constantly. So the fact that I can go for however long we've been talking without peeing, every time I do Rogan, I gotta pee at least twice.

• 1:46:37Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, it's so hard in there.

• 1:46:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I'll always just go, I gotta piss and usually he does too. So it's not a big deal, but like sometimes you just talk right through it and you're like, I have to go to the bathroom. What am I doing?

• 1:46:46Theo Von?

  Oh, when like when you're riding the bag, when you're sleeping at night and you have to pee and you don't get up?

• 1:46:49Speaker 01

  Yup.

• 1:46:50Theo Von?

  That mesmerizing dark thing you do, you're like, I'm just gonna lay here.

• 1:46:55Speaker 01

  Have you ever wet the bed as an adult?

• 1:46:57Theo Von?

  Oh no, as a kid, I wet the bed all, oh, I wet the bed, I was probably 27.

• 1:47:01Speaker 01

  I wet once. Last time I did, I know I've done it more recently than that. I've done it since my wife has been there too. A few times I've wet the bed. Um, but I don't care. I don't feel bad. Sam used to think I was crazy, but I'm like, it happens once in a while.

• 1:47:13Theo Von?

  Yeah, you sleep every night and you pee every day. You don't think they're gonna cross paths once in a while?

• 1:47:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. Yeah, like two ships passing on the once in a while, they meet.

• 1:47:22Theo Von?

  You think it's crazy?

• 1:47:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, once in a while you're asleep and you have to piss and you're like, uh, I'm no, you dream about being in a pool. You dream about it being in the ocean. And you wake up and there's urine on you. And I go right back to sleep. I'll throw a towel on it, of course. I'm not an animal.

• 1:47:38Theo Von?

  Oh, I'll put a little sawdust on it.

• 1:47:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, a little something and I'll lay into it. Yeah.

• 1:47:43Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. But I remember as a kid, I was so scared going to bed that I had to do all these checks and balances in my room. Cause I didn't realize why I wet the bed for so long. And it wasn't until about six months ago, I was remembering, oh dude, well, when you went to bed every night, you would have to like look in, open a door, look in a closet, look at a certain way, lean something against the door on the inside, then on the outside, you'd have to like look at certain like, I, it was, it was no joke. It was probably a 13 minute process every night.

• 1:48:10Speaker 01

  What were you afraid of?

• 1:48:11Theo Von?

  I was just afraid of like people getting in from outdoors. I was afraid of like killers, murders. These hypothetical kind of boogeymen, you know? And we lived in like this kind of scary neighborhood. So I was just, I was just scared of all that. And, but I remember like, dude, no wonder you slept in fucking crazy, I would fall asleep like this or something couldn't cut my throat. I remember.

• 1:48:30Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:48:30Theo Von?

  And it was so funny. I didn't for, I forgot about this, but for years I did that. And I was like, dude, no wonder you.

• 1:48:36Speaker 01

  With your hands? You'd sleep like that?

• 1:48:38Theo Von?

  Yeah, I would sleep like that because I didn't want something to cut my throat. I wanted to cut my hand first. So I would know.

• 1:48:42Speaker 01

  Right, right. Yeah, of course.

• 1:48:43Theo Von?

  And I don't know what, what made me so scared.

• 1:48:45Speaker 01

  Although the, if, if somebody was, had the wherewithal to get in with a knife, they could have just taken a feather and tickled your nose and then you would have went like that. And then they could have fucking just sliced the jugular. There's ways around that.

• 1:48:56Theo Von?

  Yeah, I didn't think ahead.

• 1:48:57Speaker 01

  Do you sleep on your back? I can't sleep on my back.

• 1:48:59Theo Von?

  No, that's crazy.

• 1:49:01Speaker 01

  Oh, you lay on your side like that?

• 1:49:02Theo Von?

  I'll lay on my side.

• 1:49:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay, that I can do.

• 1:49:04Theo Von?

  That I feel like is okay. Um, I wanted to talk about Kill Tony. You've been labeled by some as one of the best Kill Tony guests, uh, which is kind of rare because they hate everybody, kind of.

• 1:49:13Speaker 01

  They do, yeah. They're like old ONA fans too. They're just animals.

• 1:49:16Theo Von?

  Yeah, they're animals.

• 1:49:17Speaker 01

  They hate everyone. Um, but I think, I, I love doing that show, like, uh,

• 1:49:21Theo Von?

  You did, you did the garden, yeah?

• 1:49:23Speaker 01

  I did, yeah. It was like a five or six minute stand-up set.

• 1:49:26Theo Von?

  That's cool. It's tough to do there.

• 1:49:28Speaker 01

  It is a different energy, man. And I, I did it last year, but they, they didn't film it for them. They just kind of shot it for clips. But when you're doing the panel, I would rat like at the mothership, I've done the panel a lot and, uh, I, I always like to, to give the, if I can give the comics a bit of advice, I try to. Cause a lot of those guys are really terrible and a lot of them are really good, but they're just raw. And as a new comic, man, I was so fucking easily wounded that if someone like made it seem like I really had nothing, I probably would have quit. So I try, I always try to like fuck around and if I can say something that helps them, I try to.

• 1:50:05Theo Von?

  That's a good point. Yeah. I think I remember now, when you said that, I remember like one of the first nights I ever did comedy, maybe the third or fourth time, like, I started like down in New Orleans and Mark Norman was there, um, Dane Foshee, a couple, some, some local guys, Scotland Green, some different comedians down there. And, um, but I remember the bartender said, hey, man, you did a good job. And just something like that little, kept me coming back for the next two months, you know?

• 1:50:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, because somebody who, who's in the know, somebody who's in that scene, recognized it and you're right, the bartender in a comedy club or in a comedy scene, they see everybody.

• 1:50:38Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:38Speaker 01

  So when they like you, you're like, all right, I must be doing something right because they see everyone who comes. There was a guy named Rob at Rascals, he was a bartender and he always liked me and he was always like, yeah, you're really funny, man. And that gave me confidence back then because every comic came through there. And the fact that Rob thought I was funny, meant something. You know what I mean? Like, that's like when other comics respect you.

• 1:50:57Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:50:58Speaker 01

  You, you feel like, fuck, I'm doing something right. Cause the guys that are the hardest to make laugh, or the most critical about it, like what I'm doing.

• 1:51:07Theo Von?

  Yeah, one night I was coming off stage and Bill Burr said something. I had to go on before him at the Dolby Theater and I was so nervous. I'd never even been on a theater, but stage before. And I did pretty good, right? It just went good. And I was coming off and he's like, "Pretty good, man." You know, some, some little, even just getting him to even fucking, even if he just spit on my back, it would've, you know?

• 1:51:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:51:26Theo Von?

  If he'd have come on one of my legs, I'd have been like, "That's, thank you."

• 1:51:29Speaker 01

  He's just multiple migs to that, yeah?

• 1:51:33Theo Von?

  Yeah. Have the, has the audience stopped cheering, Clarice? But yeah, it would've been perfect, dude. But yeah, just, it's so funny, little things like that. Um, what do you think about Kill Tony and that whole, like, when you see that, what do you think about? Do you see it as a phenomenon? Like, do you see it as like, a change? Like, what do you think about it?

• 1:51:51Speaker 01

  I think it's great because it gives a lot, the people who badmouth it, it's like, it's really, it's honest. It's like, these young guys are getting up on stage, some are brand new, and you're watching this minute process. It's very hard to be funny in a minute.

• 1:52:06Theo Von?

  So hard.

• 1:52:07Speaker 01

  And I love the fact that, cause Tony is so fast. Like, he really is quick. Like, lightning fucking fast. And when he plays with people, sometimes they'll be terrible on stage, but they'll win them over in the interview. So he gives you a shot, you have a fair shot at Kill Tony. No, no one can interrupt your minute. And during the interview, if you have a comic's brain and you're funny, you'll be acknowledged as being funny, even if your set wasn't good. I don't feel like there's any bias, like, "Hey, we're gonna get this guy, cause he thinks this." Or, "We're gonna choose that guy, cause he thinks that."

• 1:52:41Theo Von?

  I agree.

• 1:52:42Speaker 01

  I think there's a very, it's a very honest, uh, formula. I, I love doing it. And I, I just have a fun time when I do it. It's just so pressure-free and it's just fun to fuck around and riff. It's like radio. Like, I, I love doing that show.

• 1:52:56Theo Von?

  Yeah, and you get to be around other guys, like you're saying. You know, you just get to be around another group of, like, comics who are all together. There's the blind guy, there's the, Chris Rogers is doing art, you know? It's like, or the black guy, they took his eyes out for being black, or whatever, which is, it's like, "Come on, dude, those times have changed, but okay." But it's just, and, and then Tony is, in a weird way, it's so perfect, cause Tony's almost always, he's kind of the bad guy, right? He's the wizard, but he's also the bad guy, right? Like, so, you know, he's like, cause he's so, like, he can be so, uh...

• 1:53:31Theo Von?

  Just cutting.

• 1:53:32Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:53:33Theo Von?

  That in the end, he's almost always the bad guy. And yeah, some of those people are setting themselves up for complete failure. Some of them just want a moment of that pain of being up there. And some of them, they're getting up there to try it. And it's, it probably gets a lot of those bugs out of their, just the nerves out of their system.

• 1:53:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, if you can survive in that, it's a huge stage. Even if you're just doing the mothership, you still know how many people are gonna see it. Uh, and he's a sniper. Like, you know what I mean? He picks up on everything, uh, he, he, but if you're good, if he thinks you're funny, he'll, he won't like, oh, let me go trash this guy, cause I have to. He'll acknowledge you as being funny and have a good time talking to you. So I think if you go into it with that and you know, like, hey, it can go either way. Um, I think you're gonna have a, a good time. But I couldn't have done it six months in. I would've been fucking terrified to do that show six months in.

• 1:54:18Theo Von?

  Oh, it would've been so crazy. And that just shows you that times are different somehow, I think, with people seeing clips of things. The, the, the psychology of society changes and how people are able to be something and not, like, when I was coming up, I couldn't have just, I don't think gone and done that and known that that many people could see it. It would've been way too scary.

• 1:54:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, it would've been terrifying, but the balls on, like, they see guys, like, all these guys that are coming through, they're all doing well. The ones that have kinda come through, you know, Cam Patterson is doing great.

• 1:54:45Theo Von?

  He just made SNL.

• 1:54:46Speaker 01

  He did, okay, I, I, I had heard that, but I didn't wanna say it. I didn't know if they announced it yet.

• 1:54:49Theo Von?

  He just took it.

• 1:54:50Speaker 01

  Uh, good for Cam, um, good, good, yeah, I heard that last week, good for him.

• 1:54:54Theo Von?

  Tommy Brennan, uh, Jeremy Colhane, Cam Patterson, and Veronica Slow, Slowy Cowsk.

• 1:55:01Speaker 01

  Uh, that's great, good for, yeah, I'm, I'm happy that they, uh, that was official. I congratulate them, I'm like, I won't say. Uh, Ari Matti is very funny, Christina Mariani, Lucas.

• 1:55:11Theo Von?

  Christina Mariani's very funny, too, yeah.

• 1:55:13Speaker 01

  They, Lucas, there's very, they did, a good group of people there. And I know I'm Fiona Colly, I'm forgetting some people, uh, so I apologize, but.

• 1:55:20Theo Von?

  Fiona's from here, I think, isn't she, is she redheaded?

• 1:55:22Speaker 01

  Yes, I don't know where she's from, she might be.

• 1:55:24Theo Von?

  Is she, does she seem like she's like in a wheelchair or whatever?

• 1:55:29Speaker 01

  I, I did get that impression.

• 1:55:31Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 1:55:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:55:32Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:55:32Speaker 01

  Very, very definitely got that impression when she wheeled in. She, I wasn't, I was like, she just seemed like it. That, that, like, right now, I seem like I'm in a wheelchair, cause I'm sitting here. But when somebody wheels in, you can say, without reservation, that person's in a wheelchair.

• 1:55:48Theo Von?

  And blessings Fiona, she should be on SNL.

• 1:55:51Speaker 01

  She's great.

• 1:55:52Theo Von?

  She and I have actually worked together on the same show a few times, so I just, yeah, yeah, same, yeah.

• 1:55:57Speaker 01

  I like that whole crew and they're all, they're all nice, like you see them on the events now and they're getting real followings. So many of them, um, so it's, it's nice to see the, these, uh, these young comics doing really well. And some, some people, I don't want anybody to begrudge those guys. It's like, there's room for everybody, like.

• 1:56:15Theo Von?

  That's what Rogan always says, and that's one thing that I admire about him the most. He always says that there's room for everybody. There's room for all of us to lift each other up.

• 1:56:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, like I'm not afraid of my spot and because like we all, as we get older, you feel like, oh, I suck, I'm worthless. Like it's, it's, it's just a part of what made me a comic to begin with. I mean, if I had great self-esteem, I would not have gotten into this line of work.

• 1:56:33Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:56:34Speaker 01

  That, that part of me has remained the same, but as far as shitting on other people, we're trying to keep other people down because of what they say or their belief. It's just such a weak pussy thing to do. It's like, who the fuck cares? Like I don't care what other guys are talking about on stage, as long as you're not stealing material. Uh, whatever point of view you're talking about, good, make it funny.

• 1:56:54Theo Von?

  Yeah, I don't even have time to think about that.

• 1:56:56Speaker 01

  No, but guys do. You, you do the joke from the wrong angle and people are like, whoa, and I'm like, because, and it's dishonest. When, when people criticize that, it's not like, hey, I'm old and I can't handle young people being, it's that I think it's dishonest. And, and like attacking other comics for material points of view is a way for you to climb socially. It's become one more way to climb the ladder. It's not based, these purity tests are just one more way for people to climb the ladder. They give you a purity test, you fail, they climb a little higher because they gave the test. It's nonsense.

• 1:57:29Theo Von?

  But that ladder has fallen so far down into society. I think people are just like, whatever that whole system was for so long is disappearing so much. You know, I think that's why it's like, um. Yeah, I don't know, people just make their own choices now, like, who's gonna listen to some article or some fuck, you know, it's like, I believe we're in a space where more and more it feels like people would make their own choices, but maybe not.

• 1:57:52Speaker 01

  You hope so. I mean, and I've never like, I, I, I never, no one changes my mind, like, I, I think for myself, like, everyone can say what they want, because I, I think for myself, like, people will say things about, like, when he says that, they'll come after Rogan, "What he says is dangerous." And I'm like, "Well, have you listened to him?" And they're like, "Yeah." "Did he change your mind?" "No." Well, then why don't you give everybody that credit? Like, people give themselves the ability to, to, uh, to go through information intelligently, but they think the rest of the public are a bunch of blithering tards who can't do it.

• 1:58:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:58:22Speaker 01

  And it's like, no, you're not the only one who can sift through information.

• 1:58:25Theo Von?

  And some people don't operate, but do not make their decisions from information based on the analysis of the information, they base it on how the information makes them feel. And I don't think that those people are necessarily, one is necessarily more right than the other sometimes.

• 1:58:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it's hard to kind of like just tune it all out. I try to, I like, there was years I didn't check at mentions on Twitter, like, I just don't, ah, I don't give a fuck what everybody's talking about. What's this? What does he say about that? Gives a shit.

• 1:58:55Theo Von?

  I don't have time to.

• 1:58:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't, I really don't, and I don't care.

• 1:58:59Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:58:59Speaker 01

  It's not interesting to me.

• 1:59:00Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:59:01Speaker 01

  Like, you know, if it's a friend and I'm talking to him, sure. But do I care who other people vote for? Like, it is of no relevance to me whatsoever.

• 1:59:09Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:59:09Speaker 01

  I don't know how people, uh, and like, if you say something good about Trump, like, there's policies he has that I very much disagree with. But like, you say anything good about him, like, "He's a f-" "How could you?" It's like, shut up.

• 1:59:20Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:59:20Speaker 01

  Take your little identity hat off, just be a person, have a conversation.

• 1:59:25Theo Von?

  When you think about this stuff, like, in DC, they just had where they, they want to clean up some of these cities, and they're using the National Guard, which I've always thought is like, you know, police are in this tough space where everybody's filming them, and it's like, it feels like they need more support somehow. A lot of cities have become overrun with crime. Um, Trump's use of National Guard in Los Angeles was illegal, judge rules.

• 1:59:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know Brandon Johnson in Chicago is not for it. He's the worst mayor in the country.

• 1:59:51Theo Von?

  Is he?

• 1:59:51Speaker 01

  Awful.

• 1:59:52Theo Von?

  Chicago's mayor pushes back as Trump administration readies immigration crackdown. Let's see what they say. Chicago's mayor has limited how much his city's police department can cooperate with federal immigration agents in response to threats from the Trump administration to ramp up immigration enforcement operations in the city. So it's just about immigration?

• 2:00:08Speaker 01

  And like, they did, I don't know, they didn't want National Guard helping with immigration. They didn't want to help National Guard immigration or troops. But if they're just doing it to control crime, it's like, crime is, it's a mess.

• 2:00:22Theo Von?

  I agree.

• 2:00:23Speaker 01

  As long as they're not interfering with people's comings and goings, if they're just patrolling the streets and giving the police some assistance. You know, most of the people who are against these policies, a lot of them don't live in those neighborhoods. A lot of them can leave their house without being fucking worried about being robbed by somebody selling drugs. So I think if it keeps people safer, as long as you're not infringing on their right to do anything.

• 2:00:43Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:00:43Speaker 01

  Um, but I, you know, I have a real thought. Look, here's the reality, the most important thing Trump has done is, uh, he is honoring Kiss at the Kennedy Center, and I'm going to tell you, there's nothing that has made me happier than any politician has ever done.

• 2:00:57Theo Von?

  Is he really doing that?

• 2:00:58Speaker 01

  Gene, Peter, Ace, and Paul, the original four members, are being honored at the Kennedy Center. Nothing has made me happier than that. I love him. I love that he did that. I would hug him.

• 2:01:08Theo Von?

  I mean, he does a lot of interesting stuff, man. And I hope that some of his plans for the country and stuff are good, you know, like, I hope we see a lot of the things that he, you know, kind of tried to campaign on. And I think it's just really interesting when guys campaign and then when they get in office, I bet things are way different. And we don't know what those things are like, you know? But I hope that he has a lot of long-term, like, beneficial things for the everyday American, you know?

• 2:01:33Speaker 01

  I bet you Obama was very disappointed. Like, because he was like a young, not too tainted by politics guy, but like, he was still a relatively young guy.

• 2:01:42Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, I voted for him.

• 2:01:44Speaker 01

  And he, uh, had all these hopes and dreams, and then you get into it and you're like, oh, this is a, there's a lot of muck and glue and things. I bet you that his idealism somehow got squashed a little bit when he saw how it really worked from being deep in it. And these things that you think you're gonna fix, you can't.

• 2:02:05Theo Von?

  Yeah, what does it say here? What effect did Trump's crackdown on crime in Washington DC led to a significant drop in reported violent crime and property crime? It also generated controversy, strains on the legal system, and a dramatic increase in immigration-related arrests. Violent crime fell by about 49% compared to the same period the previous year, with overall property crimes and car theft also down by 30 to 40%. I wonder if they're just using this as a ruse, though, for ICE and immigration.

• 2:02:31Speaker 01

  I don't know. I think that there's a genuine desire in cities that have really high crime rates to bring it down.

• 2:02:40Theo Von?

  Please.

• 2:02:41Speaker 01

  I think people's biggest concern is they want to be able to leave the house. People care about abortion, they care about all this, but people want to be able to leave the house and go to work without being fucking hit over the head with a pipe. Like, you know what I mean? There is a really basic desire to want to get in your car without it being stolen at gunpoint. Like, these things that we take for granted so many times, violent crime to me, because it's such an avoidable thing.

• 2:03:06Theo Von?

  So avoidable.

• 2:03:07Speaker 01

  It's so avoidable. So if he's using these forces the way he says he's using them, I have no problem with it. And I don't want to see, look, illegal immigrants who are housekeepers, who are just outworking, who are, whatever they're doing, like they're out building houses, they're out, I have no problem.

• 2:03:24Theo Von?

  Contributing, being some great members of America.

• 2:03:27Speaker 01

  There are people who just want a better life. Like, those people I don't want to see kicked out. I know they're here illegally, but I still have empathy for someone doing that. But as soon as you commit crimes, and like you commit a violent felony or even an assault, out.

• 2:03:40Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:03:41Speaker 01

  I mean, that's it. There should be no second chance. I mean, if you're lucky enough to be here, don't commit violent crimes. I mean, I don't think that's crazy.

• 2:03:47Theo Von?

  Yeah, and especially if, as a regular citizen here, if you commit a violent crime that you're held to a certain standard, you know?

• 2:03:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're going to jail.

• 2:03:54Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:03:55Speaker 01

  You're not being released immediately.

• 2:03:56Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think there's a lot of holes. It's tough. I don't know, man. You know, and we just try our best, and you try your best just to show up for yourself every day, and your new wife, and...

• 2:04:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, and uh, to not be a bad boy on the road.

• 2:04:08Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:04:09Speaker 01

  Talking to her and the dog.

• 2:04:10Theo Von?

  Is that tough?

• 2:04:11Speaker 01

  It is because again, but it's not like there's one specific thing. It's tough because it's addiction is selfish and like it's, it's about, it's about getting high and it's about feeling that rush. So, so many times you want to do things just to get away from yourself.

• 2:04:26Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:04:27Speaker 01

  Like I, I, I, I'm not happy with how I look or I'm.

• 2:04:30Theo Von?

  I'm gonna jerk off or I'm gonna fucking, yeah.

• 2:04:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I do that too much. I mean, I really do. I mean, up and down the fucking east coast, there are towels that probably should not be used by another person. My apologies to any guest who's drying off and your back gets scraped up because the towel is too too rough. That's my bad.

• 2:04:48Theo Von?

  Tough times out there.

• 2:04:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, it really is tough times, but uh, it's, it's not, uh, you know, what do they say? I'm not the man I could be or should be, but I'm not the man I was like, you know?

• 2:04:58Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:04:59Speaker 01

  My life is better now. I'm happily married. I mean, despite being annoyed at times of being married, um, I, I love the fact that my wife enjoys when I joke about us on stage. She's not sensitive about like, you know what I mean? I, I just.

• 2:05:12Theo Von?

  Right. You can be free in your relationship.

• 2:05:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, she loves it.

• 2:05:15Theo Von?

  And we all send videos of like jerking off and stuff like that or no? Do people do that?

• 2:05:19Speaker 01

  No, I mean, I, she sent me some nude photos and videos, but.

• 2:05:23Theo Von?

  That's cool.

• 2:05:24Speaker 01

  We live together and like, that's the one thing when you're married, that perverted stuff.

• 2:05:29Theo Von?

  Right.

• 2:05:29Speaker 01

  Sometimes, because you can hook up whenever you want.

• 2:05:32Theo Von?

  Right.

• 2:05:32Speaker 01

  But if I asked her for a video jerking off, she'd probably send it to me. She has in the past.

• 2:05:36Theo Von?

  That's nice.

• 2:05:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'll, I'll ask her.

• 2:05:38Theo Von?

  Um, Eddie Money showed me some pictures of his new wife one time on a plane.

• 2:05:43Speaker 01

  Nude?

• 2:05:45Theo Von?

  Pretty nude.

• 2:05:46Speaker 01

  Whoa. I like Eddie Money. He's dead now, unfortunately.

• 2:05:49Theo Von?

  Dude, he said he hit a can of Huff one time so hard that one of his legs quit working.

• 2:05:54Speaker 01

  Really?

• 2:05:54Theo Von?

  Fuck, yeah.

• 2:05:55Speaker 01

  He was a fascinating guy. He, he overdosed, survived a lot of stuff. Was his wife look good naked?

• 2:06:02Theo Von?

  Pretty good.

• 2:06:03Speaker 01

  I'll show my wife's penis if you want, but she wouldn't care.

• 2:06:05Theo Von?

  You're crazy, really?

• 2:06:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, she wouldn't care.

• 2:06:07Theo Von?

  Oh dude, maybe just do a drawing of it for me.

• 2:06:10Speaker 01

  Okay, alright.

• 2:06:10Theo Von?

  You think? Alright, just show it and I'll kinda go like this a little.

• 2:06:13Speaker 01

  Alright. Um, I won't show it on camera, just because-

• 2:06:15Theo Von?

  No, no, just show it to me. I don't wanna see all of it at once.

• 2:06:17Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's- I- I can't show it all on camera because she's a lady. She wouldn't care for that. No lady wants their penis shown completely on camera.

• 2:06:23Theo Von?

  Oh, for sure. Dude, I don't even wanna fucking look at it.

• 2:06:26Speaker 01

  Oh, I won't show it to you if you don't wanna look at it.

• 2:06:27Theo Von?

  No, I'm okay. I like-

• 2:06:29Speaker 01

  Um, let me see here. Hold on, I'll- you- you- you can- I won't just- I won't just hit you with it.

• 2:06:35Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's no surprise. You don't be like-

• 2:06:37Speaker 01

  Let me find an acceptable photo that she would be, uh, that she would be proud of. Okay. Uh, no, no, she wouldn't like that. That's a video. Um, I'll- I'll find one for you.

• 2:06:47Theo Von?

  Yeah, take your time. I'm gonna think about something else for just a minute.

• 2:06:51Speaker 01

  Alright, you wanna see?

• 2:06:52Theo Von?

  Yeah, I want.

• 2:06:53Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 2:06:53Theo Von?

  Yeah. Whoa, brother, what the-

• 2:06:59Theo Von?

  Oh my god, Jim. Your wife has that?

• 2:07:03Speaker 01

  That's my lady. That's my best gal.

• 2:07:08Theo Von?

  Wow. That is a- that is a tall pussy, brother.

• 2:07:14Speaker 01

  She's a tall lady.

• 2:07:16Speaker 01

  She's a tall lady.

• 2:07:17Theo Von?

  Oh, that thing's in 4H, huh?

• 2:07:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:07:19Theo Von?

  Oh, you gotta spray some Roundup on that.

• 2:07:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:07:22Theo Von?

  God, yeah, you gotta get back home.

• 2:07:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, sometimes I need a break. You know what I mean? Your body collects and you're like, I'm just- I'll- I'll take a little break while I go back home.

• 2:07:31Theo Von?

  Bro, you could freaking scratch- you could, uh, file your nails down on that thing.

• 2:07:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, uh, oh, but it's- but it's funny. It's like, it really is. That's the main difference in the relationship. It's like, compared to other women I've dated, as a person, there's no difference. Like, our life is the same as anybody's life. Thank god she has a sense of humor. I love that she has a sense of humor. I love that she's-

• 2:07:54Theo Von?

  You'd have to have that.

• 2:07:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, um, but some don't. I've dated people who would get mad if I talked about certain things and- I've even gone out with trans girls that would be very mad at me just doing that, so-

• 2:08:04Theo Von?

  Yeah, at least she has a good sense of humor, man. God.

• 2:08:07Speaker 01

  If she didn't, I wouldn't have done that. Like, I'm fucking around, but-

• 2:08:09Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's cra- I mean, yeah, I wouldn't- I mean, I would never even look at some guy's weener, but it's a woman's weener.

• 2:08:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, I guess it depends on- people look at that differently, too. Like, there's a lot of people that are, uh, very anti, uh, that label being put on- on trans women. But I- I think that, uh, you know- But if you, if you spend any time with my wife, it's just, it's not a man's brain. And people are like, dude, just admit it, you're gay, we don't care. I understand why people say that.

• 2:08:37Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:08:37Speaker 01

  And I, I really do, like, I get it. And again, I couldn't prove the point in court. Because it, my, my partner has a penis. Like, there's no way around that.

• 2:08:45Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:08:46Speaker 01

  Um, but you know, unless you have a long way to, time to walk, um, or a small ladder.

• 2:08:53Theo Von?

  But you know what I'm saying? That seemed like a woman's wiener to me.

• 2:08:55Speaker 01

  Well, yes, that's how I look at it. I mean, but, but I understand why people say, just admit you're gay. But it's, there's a difference. And I can't describe the difference, but I understand the difference internally. Um, if I was a homosexual at this age, I would tell people, I don't give a fuck. Like, if, like, I, it's not a, that I'm running away from saying something that people think I should say. Um, you know, sometimes I miss vaginas. I mean, I like them.

• 2:09:19Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:09:19Speaker 01

  But.

• 2:09:20Theo Von?

  But hey, here we are.

• 2:09:22Speaker 01

  Here we are. And happy.

• 2:09:24Theo Von?

  And happy, there you go, brother. Oh, yeah, that thing is a damn, god, that thing's a damn lunchable you got going on.

• 2:09:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, you gotta respect it.

• 2:09:32Theo Von?

  That's a real meal.

• 2:09:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, anyone's gotta respect that. Like, even somebody who's not into that lifestyle would go, you know what, round of applause, you know?

• 2:09:38Theo Von?

  Yeah, sir, yeah.

• 2:09:42Theo Von?

  Um, Unconceivable is, uh, is on YouTube now. And, um, always, thanks for all the entertainment, man. Thanks for welcoming me on your show.

• 2:09:49Speaker 01

  Thank you, buddy.

• 2:09:50Theo Von?

  And giving me a chance to, uh, just, just get to ever even be on a radio show and make it fun. And, um, or on a podcast, you guys were kind of in that early realm of, it was kind of a hodgepodge in there.

• 2:09:59Speaker 01

  It was, it was, uh, yeah, I mean, podcasting, I remember Mark Maron used to occasionally, when he was in town, if he needed a studio to interview someone, he would use our production stu-, like, we were there at the very, very beginning. And good luck, uh, I, I, I didn't see it coming. I mean, I knew it was gonna be popular and I had a radio contract, but I didn't, uh, I wish I had jumped on it earlier.

• 2:10:19Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:10:20Speaker 01

  But I wasn't allowed to, I had a, I had a exclusivity contract. But, uh, whatever, who gives a fuck, Jim?

• 2:10:25Theo Von?

  Yeah, you, well, you've been, I think you've done the best job of being Jim Norton, man. From an outsider's perspective, it's been interesting. You're, I think you're an inspiration for people to try and figure out how to best be themselves. I know it's a journey for everybody. But I think it's cool, man. I think it's interesting. You seem like, kind of like a person that's kind of brave in the world.

• 2:10:42Speaker 01

  Well, I appreciate that, but I, it really is, and, and none of my, I haven't lost any friends over my life. Like, you know what I mean? Like, whoever doesn't like, I, I wouldn't, there's no one I wouldn't cut loose.

• 2:10:52Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:10:52Speaker 01

  Like, you know what I mean? I have my friends, I have no shame. In that part of my life and who I love like.

• 2:10:57Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, it doesn't seem like it at all.

• 2:10:59Speaker 01

  It's a fun life, so I'm very lucky. I appreciate you having me on, man. I love what you do.

• 2:11:02Theo Von?

  Yeah, I gotta come do yours before the end of the year.

• 2:11:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, I would love that. I would really love that.

• 2:11:06Theo Von?

  We'll make it happen, man.

• 2:11:07Speaker 01

  Thanks, pal.

• 2:11:08Theo Von?

  Jim Norton, thank you so much.

• 2:11:09Speaker 01

  Thank you, Theo.

• 2:11:37Speaker 07

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