Armchair Anonymous: Unauthorized Evacuation III

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about an unauthorized evacuation. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  It's your favorite day.

• 0:06Dax Shepard?

  It's my favorite day and I'm always, I'm shocked. There's always been three. We must be titling them different.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  We're titling them different.

• 0:12Dax Shepard?

  We must be, but this is unauthorized evacuation three. Tell us about an unexpected evacuation. And they're always beautiful and endearing and life of farming.

• 0:24Speaker 01

  It's the thing that's going to bring us together.

• 0:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we can all relate or most of us. And if you can't relate yet, you will relate at some point in your life. Please enjoy unauthorized evacuations. We get support from Quince.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  I have to say, I am so ready for fall. I want sweaters. I've been craving a true crisp morning where I actually need a jacket. I can't wait.

• 0:46Dax Shepard?

  I'm fully there. The second it dips below 70, I'm like, this is my season. Give me the layers. Give me the boots. Give me a reason to wear something other than a T-shirt. And honestly, that's why I love Quince because fall is when your wardrobe actually has to show up. And everything at Quince is 50 to 80% less than similar brands. We're talking a hundred percent Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  $60, $60 for cashmere that you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. It's amazing. Gets me every time. It really shouldn't be real, but it is because they go straight to the factories. They skip the middlemen and they just hand you the savings. The stuff isn't trendy. It's the kind of pieces you grab over and over because they work every time.

• 1:27Dax Shepard?

  The 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters for me are it. When I look at Steve McQueen, this man owned a couple of sweaters he wore all the time and he looks iconic.

• 1:36Speaker 01

  It's a uniform.

• 1:37Dax Shepard?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  And Quince isn't just about the clothes. They have hotel quality bedding, cookware, bath essentials, thoughtfully designed furniture. You can really go there and outfit your entire apartment or house. So if you're in need of any kind of fall refresh at home too, same quality, same attention to detail for every corner of your life.

• 1:55Dax Shepard?

  Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them. Let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from AG1. Fall is that time when your body and mind are getting ready for the winter. You're settling in, bracing for the cold. Your body's already running a deficit from the shorter days and broken sleep patterns. You don't want a nutrient deficit stacked on top of that, too.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  That's where your AG1 routine earns its spot. It's not fixing your sleep or your alarm time. It's giving your body what it needs so the dark mornings don't tank you before you even start. One scoop cold water every morning before anything else.

• 2:44Dax Shepard?

  AG1 Next Gen has 75 plus ingredients, vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics, superfoods, backed by four separate gold standard clinical trials. Key nutrient levels improved with three months of consistent use.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  That's the part people miss. It's not a one day fix. It's what happens when you stay consistent.

• 3:02Dax Shepard?

  It's an easy, everyday thing. I've added it to my morning routine and I'm going to tell you, I actually love the taste of it. It's like Pavlovian. I drink it and I know I'm going to get that little vitamin buzz.

• 3:12Speaker 01

  Well, that's also the thing. When you do it first thing in the morning, you already feel kind of self-esteem because you're like, I already did something good for myself.

• 3:19Dax Shepard?

  Yes. Go to drinkag1.com/dax and for a limited time, get a free immunity bundle, including a bottle of omega-3 fish oil and a bottle of vitamin D3 K2 with your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/dax. And after checkout, be sure to let them know that Armchair Expert sent you.

• 4:04Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 4:05Speaker 02

  Hi, Dax and Monica.

• 4:07Dax Shepard?

  Kayla, are you from a long line of Kaylas? Are you the first?

• 4:11Speaker 02

  I'm the first Kayla. My dad said he found it while sitting on the toilet in the baby book. So that's how I got my name.

• 4:18Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 4:18Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wonderful. He was leafing through it.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  The best ideas can come to you on the toilet.

• 4:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, also, I mean, pretty good dad. I don't know when you were born, but probably 90s. Were you born in the 90s?

• 4:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, 96.

• 4:31Dax Shepard?

  The fact that he's taken time to read a baby naming book, not probably super typical.

• 4:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I mean, on the toilet, maybe that's how we got to this story.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 4:41Dax Shepard?

  And if we make the opposite argument, you could also argue he only read it because he was stuck on the toilet and there was nothing else to read.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  No, but we're glass half full here.

• 4:49Dax Shepard?

  Where are you, Kayla?

• 4:50Speaker 02

  I'm in Orange County.

• 4:51Dax Shepard?

  And it happens even in sunny California, unauthorized evacs.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  I don't like hearing that. Well, we know that's true. It's happened to both of us.

• 4:57Dax Shepard?

  Personally, yeah.

• 5:01Speaker 02

  Honestly, it wasn't my proudest at first, but you know, I've since been telling to like, break the ice at work and at parties and you know, it's funny now. So that's great.

• 5:10Dax Shepard?

  All right, walk us through it. Tell us the year. What was happening?

• 5:13Speaker 02

  So it was 2019. I was freshly in college. I honestly was like very, very stressed at the time. I was working a full-time job at a makeup counter and then a part-time job at this snow cone place. And then I was also going to school full-time.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 5:32Speaker 02

  I set that up to say I was very, very stressed. My GI wasn't exactly working.

• 5:38Dax Shepard?

  So like periods of constipation, then harness?

• 5:41Speaker 02

  Exactly, yeah. It had gone like six days and my now husband was actually telling me and he was like, you know what? Like I had to get an NMO one time. You can't let this go any longer.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  He has six days? Oh.

• 5:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was like, okay, I'll go to the doctor. So I went to the doctor and she was like, you're fine. Probably just a bit of constipation. You've had a lot of stress in your life. Like you're fine. She was like, I'll give you something.

• 6:07Dax Shepard?

  You probably never had a long enough window to sit down and relax to let things start moving. You were racing from one thing to another.

• 6:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, my diet wasn't great. It was probably a bunch of things. So like, I was like, okay, cool. Well, fast, track it, go to the doctor, get something for me. Great. Next day, go to pick it up at the pharmacy. I am late for work because I'm always late everywhere. But I go to the pharmacy to go pick it up and they do a consultation with you when you haven't taken the medication before, but I decided that that was the day I was gonna tell a little white lie and say, oh, not taken this before. Like, I'm good. Thank you. So, left and then went to my job at the makeup counter. It was a Saturday, super, super busy. I popped the pill. You know, I'm just going about my day.

• 6:56Dax Shepard?

  Real quick, is this a store in a mall?

• 6:58Speaker 02

  So, no, it's actually like in a shopping center. I'm not ashamed to say it was an Ulta in a shopping center.

• 7:03Speaker 01

  Oh, got it.

• 7:04Speaker 02

  That's where I used to work.

• 7:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, great. You know that, Monica?

• 7:06Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 7:06Dax Shepard?

  Trusted brand?

• 7:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:07Speaker 02

  Was super, super busy. I could not even leave the counter for a second just because there were so many people. And so I started to feel like a grumbling in my stomach and I was like, oh, gosh. Well, I don't have any time to go to the bathroom. I usually crop dust the back of the store, you know, just kind of like take a little walk.

• 7:24Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 7:25Speaker 02

  But I couldn't. I was helping too many people, color matching, doing all of that to get my commission. And so I felt the rumbling, felt the rumbling. And I was like, okay, I know this feeling. Like, it's just a fart. I haven't even farted in six days. This is totally fine. Like, I'll be okay.

• 7:40Dax Shepard?

  What were you wearing? Can I ask quickly?

• 7:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, that was actually a big part of the story. I was wearing a long, black skirt.

• 7:47Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 7:47Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great.

• 7:48Speaker 02

  Some tiny woman's underwear. And then, uh, yeah, just like this cute little shirt. I had to wear all black to work. Anyways, I'm going to walk around the back of my counter and I got a second to breathe. And I was like, okay, I'll just let it go right here. So I let it go. And all of a sudden, I feel something running down.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 8:07Dax Shepard?

  Are you in the center of the store? Or are you behind the counter?

• 8:11Speaker 02

  My counter is in the center of the store. And then I kind of have this little loop behind my counter where I can kind of hide from the rest of the people in the store. So that's kind of where I am. Because I was like, okay, no one's in the back here. Let me just step to the side.

• 8:25Dax Shepard?

  But it is a public part of the store.

• 8:27Speaker 02

  Customer totally could have seen me. And it's a very busy Saturday.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 8:31Speaker 02

  I was like, oh, no, something's running down my leg. I was like, what did I take? So I go run to the back of the store where the bathroom is, assess the situation. And I'm just covered.

• 8:44Dax Shepard?

  You're covered.

• 8:45Speaker 02

  Diarrhea all over my thong, inside of my skirt.

• 8:48Dax Shepard?

  Whoa, in your shirt, because it was tucked in.

• 8:50Speaker 01

  In your skirt shirt?

• 8:52Speaker 02

  Skirt and shirt. My shirt was tucked into my skirt.

• 8:55Dax Shepard?

  Full wardrobe, took out the whole.

• 8:57Speaker 02

  Literally took out the whole wardrobe. I'm like panicking now. Thank God no one's in the bathroom the same time as I am, but I'm taking all the toilet paper, just like trying to like get it off myself. I throw away my thong because I'm like, there's no saving this thing.

• 9:13Speaker 02

  And I'm panicking. I'm like, what did I take? What do I do? I don't even know. I'm panicking. I'm not thinking. And I live right across the street at the time, like literally, like I could have walked home, but I obviously didn't for obvious reasons. I get out of the bathroom. I see my manager in passing and I say, hey, I gotta go. Emergency. I'll be back. And she was like, everything okay? And I was like, I gotta go. So I just booked it out of the store. I sit in my car, can't believe that happened. I'm like crying. I'm like, oh my gosh, like what am I doing? And I look at the pill bottle, type in the name of the pill into Google. Sure enough, it's a laxative.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:54Speaker 02

  And I was not supposed to take it until I was at home or by a toilet.

• 9:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, not at work. Probably the one they give you for a colonoscopy cleanse.

• 10:04Speaker 01

  Ooh, a barium enema?

• 10:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 10:09Speaker 02

  That's what my friend was saying. She was like, sounds very similar to when I had mine. I was like, okay, great. But anyways, I have to go back to work. I need this job. I can't just like not show back up. I don't know what I was thinking. I probably could have called, but it was a busy Saturday. So run home. I get changed. Don't think anything of it. And I'm like, I'm in the clear. That emptied me all out. I'll be fine.

• 10:30Dax Shepard?

  Well, this is a two parter.

• 10:34Speaker 01

  Maybe it's three or four parters. I don't know.

• 10:37Speaker 02

  Well, thankfully not a two parter, but it's not the best situation. I get back. I get back and it's still busy in the store. And I'm now in like full, heavy sweats just because nerves or whatever, maybe the laxative. I don't really know. But I'm by my counter and my counter was like packed before. There's not a soul to be seen, but the store is still busy.

• 11:00Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 11:01Speaker 02

  I was like, oh my gosh, just because I'm not here for a second. No one wanted to help me. Like what's going on? And so I'm walking around the counter and I'm like, oh my gosh, like something smells really bad over here.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  I mean, yeah, yes. Of course, if it ran down your leg, it's gonna land somewhere.

• 11:21Speaker 02

  I honestly was like, no, the bad thing's already happened to me. There's no way like it can get worse. So I'm not thinking. We have kids all the time in our stores, leaving stuff around the store, like food and all that. And I was like, oh, someone probably threw something away at my counter. So I like opened the counter doors and like, nothing in there. Okay, so weird. I was like, but man, like this is really, really bad. So I go to walk around the corner where not a lot of people go. And sure enough, all over the floor.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  All over.

• 11:49Dax Shepard?

  Tons.

• 11:50Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 11:51Dax Shepard?

  Oh my God, Kayla.

• 11:52Speaker 01

  I thought it was just a tiny amount.

• 11:53Dax Shepard?

  Okay, a lot of things. I'm so glad I didn't ask earlier because my first thought was I wanted to know, are you getting on the floor? But I'm glad that was saved. But how the fuck did your manager and none of the other employees stumble upon this pile of harness when you had gone home, changed, cleaned up?

• 12:09Speaker 02

  That I don't know, but I'm assuming probably people in the store had to know because there was no one by my counter. I'll get to the part later about what happened after that to give you more of an answer of people like knew or not, but I frantically just used a bunch of makeup remover and alcohol that they have in the makeup stores, just cleaning it up, making sure no one would see me. Again, back at the counter, I'm like, no one's here anyways. Like, it's fine. Clean it up. No one knows it's me anyways, right? Except if anyone was in the store and noticed I changed, which I like literally just thinking about now, but anyways, I pick it up, throw it away. All is done. I'm like, okay, cool. Like I only have a couple more hours of my shift. The worst is over. It's fine. It's okay.

• 12:49Speaker 02

  So that is my story, but a couple of weeks later, my manager comes up to me and she was like, hey, is everything okay? And the reason she's asking me is because my mom was actually in the hospital a few months before, dealing with a whole bunch of things medical wise. And I was like, no, everything was fine. And she's like, well, the day that you left, you know, you left in such a rush, such a hurry, then you came back in new clothes. And I was like, yeah, no, everything's fine. I was fine. And she goes, well, you know, there's cameras.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Well, then why'd she ask you? She could have done the right thing and been like, you know what? This is what happened.

• 13:29Dax Shepard?

  It's in order. There was like three great things to do before this. One, ignore it. The girl already dealt with it. She cleaned it up. This doesn't need to be addressed. It's not like she's gonna start doing this all the time.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  What if he became a king?

• 13:42Dax Shepard?

  She's like, I just want to make sure this doesn't become a routine of yours.

• 13:44Speaker 01

  Right.

• 13:45Dax Shepard?

  And then, yeah, second would be to come right out with it. Like, so, hey, you know, I saw on the cameras that you shit all over the floor. Again, I don't even know why we're gonna talk about it. Okay, I'm sorry. So she says there's cameras and what do you do? You just die?

• 13:56Speaker 02

  No, I literally was like, yeah. You know, I know there's cameras. And she was like, okay. And I was like, all right. And she was like, okay, have a good shit.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  Okay. So you never had to say it.

• 14:11Dax Shepard?

  She tried to do it and then she ran out of gumption.

• 14:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I'm like assuming, obviously, she says, you know, there's cameras she's seen. But like till this day, I mean, unless she listens to this podcast, you know, I don't know. But we've never talked about it again. No one ever said anything. No one ever told me that they saw anything.

• 14:28Speaker 01

  I feel annoyed at her.

• 14:30Dax Shepard?

  You do?

• 14:31Speaker 01

  Yeah. She already went through the worst possible thing that could ever happen to anyone on earth.

• 14:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I know, I agree. This is a pointless thing to bring up.

• 14:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:39Dax Shepard?

  Let's make a strong man case for her.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:42Dax Shepard?

  She's a manager. Corporate's tough. These tapes are there. They could be seen. Should someone above her become aware of this? And they say, hey, what did you say to Kayla about her defecating on the floor of our showroom? And she goes, I haven't said anything to her. And they're like, you don't think you need to talk to an employee who defecates in the store?

• 15:01Speaker 01

  No, because it's not something she does. It was clearly an accident. She came back right away and most people wouldn't even come back. So I just really don't feel comfortable talking to her about that.

• 15:09Dax Shepard?

  Well, we have a hazmat procedure for the safety of our customers and the other employees. So we probably should have disinfected.

• 15:15Speaker 01

  Oh, that's on me.

• 15:17Dax Shepard?

  You're fired.

• 15:20Speaker 02

  The hazmat situation is crazy, unfortunately.

• 15:23Speaker 01

  Those employees were also bad employees because they should have been like, what's happening over there? No one's going over there. Go look. I'm like, ah, oh no, someone shit everywhere.

• 15:31Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, someone's diaper blew up.

• 15:32Speaker 01

  Exactly. Some kid.

• 15:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, always blame a kid. Someone brought a dog in and we'd say no dogs.

• 15:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:37Dax Shepard?

  Now, really quick, Kayla, I have just recently done the colonoscopy and I wasn't backed up for six days. And even given that, I had like nine or 10 rounds of quite active and like, whoa, there's still more. So I'm shocked that was the only explosion?

• 15:55Speaker 02

  That was the only one at work that day.

• 15:57Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 15:58Speaker 02

  I went home after and I was miserable. The pain only got worse because I just had so much more and more coming out. I had the other job, like I said, but I called in that day.

• 16:08Speaker 01

  Oh, good.

• 16:09Speaker 02

  Funny enough, my best friend went through the same thing at the same time as I did. She doesn't have such a crazy story, but we were at a restaurant the next day and her story happened.

• 16:18Speaker 01

  Oh, my.

• 16:19Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 16:20Speaker 02

  It bonded us for life. It was a good story afterwards, but man, like it took me a long time to like admit that that happened.

• 16:27Dax Shepard?

  I really like when it happens to girls. It makes me like those girls so much more. I like a girl who's had an accident like this more than one that hasn't.

• 16:35Speaker 01

  Well.

• 16:35Dax Shepard?

  All things are equal. Identical twins, one has had this experience. I want that one.

• 16:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, my dad would have been proud for sure.

• 16:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, like you're a survivor. What makes this one uniquely cruel is that you still had a whole shift to get through. Most of these stories, we hear people abscond to back to their hotel or wherever, and you had to keep plodding along.

• 16:54Speaker 01

  That's why you should be given a medal, not be put on blast.

• 16:58Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I love that you just doubled down. You're like, yeah, and?

• 17:02Speaker 01

  That was a great response.

• 17:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it was kind of a fuck you. You want to play this game of chicken? I'm gonna make you say I shit. I'm not gonna say shit. You say I shit.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Yes, I know there are cameras. We all know that.

• 17:11Dax Shepard?

  Here's now what I think may have happened. Corporate got the complaint from a customer that there was human feces on the ground. The manager was asked to account for this. It's like, I don't know. I didn't see any. Go through the tapes. Oh my God, it was Kayla. Maybe customers complained like there's shit on the floor of your store. And it came to her. She had to review the tapes. Otherwise, she wouldn't have even known. If it's not that she didn't see it in action, someone would have told her, watch the tapes. Basically, what she wanted to get to was like, hey, when you shit on the floor, you gotta tell me. Cause customers complained and then I got called. And then she panicked when you stonewalled her. That's also very plausible.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  I know, but my guess would be that the customer would go to someone in the store. They're not going to wait till they get home and call the corporate. They're gonna go somewhere and be like, hey, there's something going on back there.

• 18:04Speaker 02

  I would agree with you, Monica. I mean, where we live, the complaints we got in our store were like crazy. But weeks later.

• 18:12Dax Shepard?

  The reason I think we can rule out someone flagged a manager in the store is the manager would have dealt with the shit on the ground. So the manager couldn't have known in real time.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  But I just think it's weird that they would call corporate instead of just asking someone up front like, hey.

• 18:26Dax Shepard?

  Some bougie people, they live to call that number.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  It's not speed, dad.

• 18:29Dax Shepard?

  They're horny.

• 18:31Speaker 02

  New perspective of this whole story. I would have never thought someone called corporate.

• 18:35Dax Shepard?

  I would love to get ahold of the manager and ask her a recollection and just say like, walk us through this. And what was your game plan when you brought up the cameras?

• 18:44Speaker 01

  I have some questions.

• 18:45Dax Shepard?

  If you are an armchair, if luck is on our side and you are the manager, and this sounds familiar to you, please call us.

• 18:53Speaker 01

  But know that I'm gonna have some tough questions.

• 18:56Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and you're not gonna back down when she doubled down.

• 18:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 19:01Dax Shepard?

  Well, Kayla, and I'm sorry that happened to you, but it's still a very cute story.

• 19:05Speaker 02

  Thank you. Can I give a couple shout outs before I go?

• 19:07Dax Shepard?

  Of course.

• 19:08Speaker 02

  Well, I just wanted to shout out my two best friends who actually told me about this podcast, which are Aaliyah and Justin. They've been day one armchairs. I started probably during COVID. You guys actually have saved me a lot. I'm two months postpartum and I was deep in the trenches here for actually quite a Long time. So your guys' podcast gets me through day to day. So I appreciate you guys.

• 19:28Dax Shepard?

  Congrats.

• 19:29Speaker 02

  Thank you. And my husband, who also listens, Brad, who couldn't be here. He's the IT guy. I hope I did this right.

• 19:35Speaker 01

  You did great.

• 19:37Dax Shepard?

  And I like Brad because Brad was getting involved with your bowels back in college. He was like, I'm gonna have to get an enema for you. He's a good man.

• 19:44Speaker 02

  He's got my back for sure.

• 19:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and your backside.

• 19:51Dax Shepard?

  Well, Kayla, lovely meeting you. Have a great day.

• 19:54Speaker 02

  Nice to meet you guys. Thanks so much.

• 19:55Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 19:58Speaker 01

  When I hear these stories, I have to say like,

• 20:00Dax Shepard?

  PTSD?

• 20:01Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, PTSD, but also I'm really grateful I was alone.

• 20:04Dax Shepard?

  That you were alone.

• 20:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:05Dax Shepard?

  In public is really something.

• 20:07Speaker 01

  Handle that. I can't even handle like tripping in front of people.

• 20:12Dax Shepard?

  I can't imagine what those people, when I had to go on the PCH.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 20:16Dax Shepard?

  Because I just was unwilling to go in my pants.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  I know. That's so strange.

• 20:20Dax Shepard?

  You think? Like, is it your instinct, like, don't get it on your clothes?

• 20:24Speaker 01

  Of course, but then at some point you're just like, okay.

• 20:27Dax Shepard?

  I know. I think the more polite thing to do would have been to just go on my pants. But I was just like, oh, we gotta pull, it's coming out. I gotta pull my pants down.

• 20:34Speaker 01

  I know.

• 20:34Dax Shepard?

  And there's a gutter.

• 20:36Speaker 01

  That might be most people's instinct. It's just mine is like, I guess.

• 20:41Dax Shepard?

  People had to have thought I was homeless.

• 20:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Okay, let's talk to Josh.

• 20:54Dax Shepard?

  This episode is supported by Helix.

• 20:58Speaker 01

  Dax, is there anything better than crawling into a perfect bed on a cold fall night? Candlelit, hoodie on, maybe even some rain outside. The dream.

• 21:08Dax Shepard?

  That's the dream. You just described one of my ideal fall nights.

• 21:13Speaker 01

  I know. And thanks to Helix, my bed actually lives up to the vibe. All I had to do was take the Helix Sleep Quiz, and within two minutes, they matched me to a mattress built for exactly how I sleep. I have a midnight mattress. It also has cooling technology, which I really.

• 21:28Dax Shepard?

  Increasingly so.

• 21:30Speaker 01

  I need it. I have to have it. And I heard. That you're supposed to sleep at a cold temp.

• 21:36Dax Shepard?

  Hmm.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  Optimal sleep. It's very, very helpful.

• 21:40Dax Shepard?

  She is not wrong. I have one too, and it's been such a game changer for sleep. And I love that they make it so easy, free shipping right to your door. And what they're happy with Helix guarantee, you'll get a full 365 nights to try it. A whole year to live in that cozy. They've got over 20 mattress models, so no matter how you sleep, they've got one for you.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  And it's not just us saying it. Helix has been named the most awarded mattress brand by Forbes, Wired and more. You gotta try it for yourself.

• 22:07Dax Shepard?

  Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for 20% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for 20% off site wide. Helixsleep.com/armchair. We are supported by Walden University. You know that feeling when you've been thinking about making a move, going after the degree, the promotion, the thing you keep telling yourself you'll get to someday? Walden University is built for that moment. For over 50 years, Walden has helped working professionals get the W, the knowledge, the skills and the confidence to create real change in their careers and communities. Their programs are designed around your life, not the other way around.

• 22:48Dax Shepard?

  With Tempo Learning, available in select programs, there are no rigid schedules or set weekly deadlines. You move at your own pace. And Walden's faculty aren't just academics. They're practitioners who bring real world experience into everything they teach. From your first class to career coaching and beyond, Walden is your partner the whole way. Take the first step and learn at a pace that works for you. Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by CHEV.

• 23:21Speaker 03

  With a Spark Cash Plus card from Capital One, you earn unlimited 2% cash back on every purchase. And you get big purchasing power, so your business can spend more and earn more.

• 23:34Dax Shepard?

  This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you've thought about trying therapy with our long-term partner, BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide with an average copay for eligible members of just $23 per session. October 10th is World Mental Health Day, but you don't need a day on the calendar to give yourself permission to talk to someone. I've been in therapy for a long time and the stuff rattling around in my head always just quiets down the second I say it out loud. And it doesn't have to be some big life crisis. Maybe it's a work thing that's taking up too much space or hard relationship moment, or just a feeling that something's off. That's enough. That's worth talking about.

• 24:11Speaker 01

  You know, I love therapy more than anything. Gets me through often I'll want to cancel because I'm like, I don't really have anything to talk about. And then I'll go and I have some major revelation.

• 24:23Dax Shepard?

  You know, I was just talking to a friend who has just started it. And I said, one of the most powerful elements of it is just hearing yourself say out loud, the thing that's been ruminating in your head and how different it sounds. Once it's out into the world, you gain perspective immediately just by hearing yourself say it.

• 24:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, you do.

• 24:38Dax Shepard?

  If you've been waiting to start therapy, BetterHelp works with more than 125 health plan networks and eligible members have an average copay of just $23 per session with insurance. Don't have insurance or live outside the U.S.? You can still get 10% off your first month. Do yourself a favor and just try it. Future you will be grateful. Visit betterhelp.com/dax to explore your payment options. That's better H E L P dot com slash DAX.

• 25:14Dax Shepard?

  Josh.

• 25:15Speaker 04

  Hello.

• 25:16Dax Shepard?

  Hi, how are you?

• 25:17Speaker 04

  Good, good. This is wild.

• 25:19Dax Shepard?

  Oh, it's not even gotten wild yet. Josh, where are you?

• 25:23Speaker 04

  I am in Southern California. We'll leave it a little bit vague.

• 25:26Dax Shepard?

  Okay, interesting because we just got off the phone with someone in Orange County. And I gotta tell you, we don't talk to a lot of Californians.

• 25:32Speaker 01

  It seems to be that this prompt is very California heavy.

• 25:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, just considering we're 10% of the population, they're not 10% of our callers.

• 25:40Speaker 04

  This story doesn't take place in California, though I have had plenty of these in California.

• 25:46Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 25:48Dax Shepard?

  I know, Josh. Me too. Me too.

• 25:51Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so walk us through this episode.

• 25:54Speaker 04

  I, after college, was looking at different career paths and joined a teaching.

• 26:03Speaker 04

  Fellowship program to become a teacher. So that summer, we were on a college campus on the East Coast and they get you all together. And it's intensive training. You're going through pedagogy and how to learn, how to make sure the students don't overrun your classroom in the first year and all of that good stuff. And then you actually do some summer school teaching as well. So they throw you to the wolves and they let those summer student kids really take the brunt of all of your terrible teaching at the beginning.

• 26:29Dax Shepard?

  Can I ask, was this a rural setting or a city setting for the school you were going to teach in?

• 26:34Speaker 04

  One of the big cities, inner city school, which was similar to the environment that we were going to end up teaching in for most of us as well. So they tried to mirror that. The first couple of weeks you're there, you're really kind of on campus doing some of these classes and then summer school starts up and they essentially assign you a school. And then you get bussed from the campus to your school every day. So you're up early, you're there before the students get there. There's some prep work that goes into it and then you get to teach a half day of school and really get that practice.

• 27:02Dax Shepard?

  I'm so sorry, I'm getting mired in the details, but these are students who had to take summer school, right? So this isn't the cream of the crop.

• 27:11Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 27:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, well, my troubled kids had to go to.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 27:14Dax Shepard?

  You're not teaching the gifted and talented program.

• 27:17Speaker 01

  Overachievers necessarily.

• 27:18Dax Shepard?

  It's like kids who fucked off and got too many detentions.

• 27:21Speaker 01

  Well, they probably had a hard life.

• 27:22Dax Shepard?

  At least in my town, that's how it was.

• 27:24Speaker 04

  I think it's a lot of that for high school. This was in elementary school, so I think it's also kids who are just maybe a little bit behind and need some of that extra practice.

• 27:31Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great.

• 27:32Speaker 04

  We don't need to dive into ed policy, but really a strong proponent of year round schooling for students because of that summer learning loss that happens.

• 27:39Speaker 01

  Oh, wow, that's good.

• 27:41Dax Shepard?

  That's part of a Malcolm Gladwell book, The Gap, because.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 27:45Dax Shepard?

  I know.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  No, go ahead.

• 27:47Dax Shepard?

  Socioeconomically, there isn't a huge disadvantage when you start school. And if you end the school, it doesn't really matter your socioeconomic status, you guys will both get the same amount. It's the summertime that the kids from poorer families fall dramatically behind because the parents can't oversee any activities, there's no reading happening.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, makes sense.

• 28:06Dax Shepard?

  So that's where they're falling behind. If you went to school endlessly, that gap, is that right?

• 28:10Speaker 04

  Exactly. And if you think about just the other advantages of like living in a house with air conditioning over the summer, or having parents home to read to you when they're not working all summer long.

• 28:20Speaker 01

  Even food.

• 28:21Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, the food.

• 28:22Speaker 01

  Scarcity, yeah.

• 28:23Speaker 04

  Exactly. But yes, you don't have the top readers in your class when you're teaching summer school.

• 28:27Speaker 01

  Right, okay.

• 28:28Speaker 04

  You're on the bus 6:30, 6:45 in the morning, and then it's maybe a 15-minute bus ride to school. That morning, everyone's excited, first day of teaching. You get on the bus, you have your little bagged lunch, and pretty early into the bus ride, I know that things are not feeling great. You know, you're okay. It's nerves, first day of school, butterflies.

• 28:48Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh. That's your explanation. You didn't go to like my breakfast, or my dinner, or I drank too much. You didn't have any explanations yet?

• 28:55Speaker 04

  No explanations yet. I'm young, so the stomach's about as good as it can be at that point.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  Right.

• 29:01Speaker 04

  Five more minutes in, and you're really starting to think, alright, I gotta come up with a plan here. What are we gonna do when we get to this building I've never been to before? And how are we gonna go find a bathroom quick? So my mom was in schools for 30 years, and I know in the office, there's usually an adult bathroom.

• 29:17Speaker 01

  Okay, wow.

• 29:18Speaker 04

  So, we're gonna get there, we're gonna go straight to the office, find that bathroom, we're gonna be okay. So we're pulling up to the school, things are starting to get a little worse, and I'm like, do I need to start like pushing my way to the front of the bus here? Like, what are we gonna do?

• 29:31Dax Shepard?

  Use the emergency exit door.

• 29:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, it takes a while to get off those buses sometime. I see the building, we're like, okay, alright, we're gonna make it. And then we kind of pull around to the side of the school. So we're not, as it turns out, going in the front entrance. We're gonna go in the staff entrance, which is kind of around to the side, not to disrupt whatever's happening in the front. The plan is to get everyone together, kind of do a tour of the school, and then settle into our classrooms. And I see the door, I don't know what's on the other side of that door, but I know I need to be on the other side of that door as quickly as possible. So, door's open, I kind of just make a run for it. Whatever people want to think at this point, it's better than what's gonna happen.

• 30:08Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 30:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 30:10Speaker 04

  We're in the school, and I'm looking around, and I say, okay. We come across the boys' bathroom. Isn't it adult bathroom? No. But there are no students in the school, I feel okay about it.

• 30:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, what is? The policy in general, teachers aren't supposed to use those bathrooms or they can't?

• 30:24Speaker 04

  I certainly did in my years teaching, but like after hours, I think it's pretty frowned upon to use the student bathroom while students are around.

• 30:33Dax Shepard?

  That's a good policy.

• 30:33Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah.

• 30:34Dax Shepard?

  For the guys, yeah.

• 30:36Speaker 01

  I never thought about that.

• 30:37Dax Shepard?

  I trust the women.

• 30:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's probably right. Okay, so we're approaching, we see the boys bathroom, there's no students there and I'm like 15 steps away and that's it really.

• 30:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh, we didn't get.

• 30:49Speaker 04

  Didn't quite make it.

• 30:50Dax Shepard?

  Oh, are you wearing khaki pants?

• 30:53Speaker 04

  Khaki pants, of course.

• 30:54Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 30:54Speaker 04

  Classic teacher, uniform, khaki pants, button down tie.

• 30:58Dax Shepard?

  Textbook.

• 31:01Speaker 04

  Thankfully, those boxer briefs are doing the Lord's work right now.

• 31:04Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 31:05Dax Shepard?

  Phew.

• 31:06Speaker 04

  We're not in great shape, but we're not in the worst shape possible.

• 31:09Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 31:09Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 31:10Speaker 04

  So we get into the stall, which as we've talked about is like meant for a seven year old.

• 31:14Speaker 01

  Oh shit.

• 31:15Speaker 04

  It is so low to the ground.

• 31:20Speaker 04

  And under normal circumstances, this maybe isn't the worst thing, but the toilet paper and paper towel situation at schools is not good. We're trying to do whatever I can in there to contain it. I gotta keep the pants clean. That's the ultimate goal here. There's no way for me to get back. I don't even really know where we are in this city. I had no change of clothes, so we're using the paper towel, the toilet paper, all of that. We kind of wad up the underwear. That's a lost cause. That goes right to the bottom of that trash can.

• 31:47Dax Shepard?

  Sure, sure.

• 31:47Speaker 04

  Throw a bunch more toilet paper and stuff on top to cover it up.

• 31:50Dax Shepard?

  Cause you have manners.

• 31:51Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 31:53Speaker 04

  Quick inspection, khakis look okay. Go rejoin the group. Really, I'm not going to say anything to anyone at that point. We do the tour and really the rest of the day, I'm in front of the classroom for the very first time. I'm commando.

• 32:06Dax Shepard?

  Can I ask really quickly, how long do you think the duration was of that whole project? Cause I, my hunch is you're gone kind of a while.

• 32:13Speaker 04

  My absence was noted for sure.

• 32:16Speaker 01

  They probably thought you were heartsick from the bus ride.

• 32:19Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 32:20Dax Shepard?

  That would be a generous.

• 32:21Speaker 04

  Bumpy ride.

• 32:23Speaker 01

  That's what I would think.

• 32:24Dax Shepard?

  Oh, he's got a sick tummy.

• 32:26Speaker 04

  So then you're teaching for the next three hours and insanely self-conscious about my sitting over here. Am I trying to hide myself behind books and desks and I'm not really probably getting up and engaging as much as I should. It's just a weird feeling to not have underwear on in front of a classroom of children.

• 32:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's.

• 32:44Dax Shepard?

  In khakis too, I'll add. Cause there's a lot of room for a lot of slip-slappy and bouncy.

• 32:50Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 32:51Dax Shepard?

  General penis and testicle.

• 32:52Speaker 01

  Oh, no. Yeah. Did you feel like I'm not a pervert, but like I, I'm behaving like one.

• 32:57Speaker 04

  It really is a weird feeling. There's no secondary layer, thankfully, to this story. You get through the day. No one has said or noticed anything and you really just learn a couple of lessons about what you pack in your backpack to make sure you're, you're covered in these situations moving forward.

• 33:13Dax Shepard?

  I know. None of us is ever gonna carry a second pair of pants with us.

• 33:16Speaker 01

  But we should.

• 33:17Dax Shepard?

  Probably if we have a bag, why not? Just have them in there.

• 33:20Speaker 01

  I mean, I have so much stuff in my bag. Why wouldn't I just have an extra little pair of pants?

• 33:23Dax Shepard?

  You'd set off some bear spray and some mousetraps and shit en route to get the pants.

• 33:28Speaker 04

  Once you have your own classroom, that's yours. You kind of have a place to, to stash some extra clothes. That's what we ended up doing for the rest of my teaching career.

• 33:36Dax Shepard?

  Well, wonderful meeting you, Josh. Do you want to give any shout outs?

• 33:39Speaker 04

  I do. Thank you for asking. My coworkers Danielle and Caitlin are the first couple of people I found who were also arm cherries. So I appreciate them and obviously appreciate you guys.

• 33:50Dax Shepard?

  Well, wonderful meeting you, Josh. Thank you for that.

• 33:52Speaker 04

  You guys too. This is super cool. Thank you so much.

• 33:54Dax Shepard?

  All right. Take care.

• 33:55Speaker 04

  You all too.

• 33:57Speaker 05

  Hi guys. Can you hear me okay?

• 33:59Dax Shepard?

  Oh, beautifully. Is this quote Rachel?

• 34:02Speaker 05

  It is.

• 34:03Dax Shepard?

  How did you choose the name Rachel?

• 34:05Speaker 05

  Oh, it's so funny you ask that. That's like an alter ego between my boyfriend and I. So I finally get to use it for real.

• 34:12Dax Shepard?

  Does Rachel only come out in the evening?

• 34:14Speaker 01

  Yeah. What's Rachel like?

• 34:15Dax Shepard?

  Or when drinking?

• 34:16Speaker 05

  Rachel's fun. Rachel gets a little bit tipsy if you like her wine.

• 34:19Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah. Hyaluronic acid. That's when Rachel came out to play.

• 34:22Speaker 01

  She's like silly and frisky.

• 34:25Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 34:25Dax Shepard?

  Everyone should have a Rachel.

• 34:27Speaker 01

  Well, I have an alter ego. Sonica.

• 34:29Dax Shepard?

  Sonica?

• 34:30Speaker 01

  Uh huh. She drinks a lot of water.

• 34:32Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah. It's kind of the opposite.

• 34:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's really wild when she comes out. It's rare. What?

• 34:38Dax Shepard?

  Well, I was just gonna say if drinking is like your main.

• 34:42Speaker 01

  What? Monica does not drink a lot of water.

• 34:46Dax Shepard?

  No, I know, I know, I know.

• 34:47Speaker 01

  So I'm drinking a lot of water, it's like, oh, Sonny's here.

• 34:49Dax Shepard?

  I know, my point is if you drink alcohol all the time, your alter ego can't be the girl who drinks wine. It's gotta be the one that drinks water. I just think that's a really funny reversal that your naughty girl drinks water.

• 35:04Speaker 01

  I know, I'm funny.

• 35:06Dax Shepard?

  Rachel, where are you in the country?

• 35:08Speaker 05

  I am from Wisconsin.

• 35:09Dax Shepard?

  Oh, beautiful. Okay, so walk us through your unfortunate evacuation.

• 35:14Speaker 05

  This is such a bittersweet experience.

• 35:17Dax Shepard?

  To meet us in these circumstances?

• 35:19Speaker 05

  Right, exactly.

• 35:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you'd rather be telling us about a first place trophy you got?

• 35:23Speaker 05

  Well, I've never told this story. I pulled this story from the depths of my brain. I've never written it out. I try not to think about it. This is one of my deepest darkest experiences.

• 35:33Speaker 01

  This is a big deal.

• 35:35Dax Shepard?

  I feel so privileged, thank you.

• 35:36Speaker 05

  I can't even tell people that I'm on the podcast because then it's gonna be let out. So I will get started. This happened about 10 years ago now. So I was newly out of college. I was lucky enough to find a job right away up by where my boyfriend, we'll call him Cory. That's where he grew up. So we passed from southern Wisconsin and we moved all the way up to central Wisconsin just a couple of months after graduation. But we were new to the area. Even though Cory was from the area, we didn't have a lot of friends. So both of us were trading new jobs and we wanted to find some other couple to hang out with.

• 36:09Dax Shepard?

  How do you do that?

• 36:09Speaker 05

  Right, that's one of the hardest things as an adult, to find adult friends and couple friends. So luckily with that new job, I connected with a girl named Maddie, we'll call her. We had a lot in common, so we both kind of be outdoorsy type. We like fishing, hunting, and we thought maybe we could hang out outside of work. And we finally reached the summertime and Maddie was telling me about how her and her group of friends, who are also couples, they were going to go tubing on the Fox River.

• 36:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I love tubing. Had you gone before?

• 36:39Speaker 05

  As a child, I had been tubing on the little Rock River, but this tubing was actually on a Fox River. It's a little bit bigger of a river, a little bit different of an experience.

• 36:57Dax Shepard?

  We get support from our sponsor Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight-related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Gleepran. Foundo is a once-daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight-related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.

• 37:22Speaker 06

  Foundo should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Foundo is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Foundo if you're allergic to it, or if you or someone in your family had medullary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck, or severe stomach pain. Serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes, if you're nursing, pregnant, plant to be, or taking birth control pills, and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. Taking Foundo with an insulin or sulfonylurea may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and may cause kidney problems.

• 38:02Speaker 06

  Once Daily Foundo is available by prescription only in 0.8 mg, 2.5 mg, 5.5 mg, 9 mg, 14.5 mg, and 17.2 mg tablets. Learn more at foundo.lilly.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX. Now is perfect to talk to your doctor about Foundo.

• 38:20Dax Shepard?

  We get support by Peloton. You know that feeling when you're spiraling over a problem and you just can't figure it out? When that happens to me, I need a change of pace. And I've found that running is the best way. It takes my brain out of the driver's seat and I come back with a fresh perspective. Running can be freeing and cathartic, and Peloton helps you feel all of that. And now that feeling fits wherever you need it with the new Peloton Tread Flex. It's movable and foldable, designed to fit your life. So next time you feel stuck, you can go for a run literally anywhere, whether that's in your office, living room, or even the attic. Plus, they have classes with expert instructors and programs to meet you at any level and keep you moving. Let yourself run.

• 39:03Dax Shepard?

  Explore the new Peloton Tread Flex at onepeloton.com.

• 39:08Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Skims. So Monica just informed me that she's a girl's girl and I nodded like I knew exactly what that meant.

• 39:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, but the girls who get it, they get it.

• 39:20Dax Shepard?

  Okay, but for those of us who are clearly not girls, walk me through it.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  Well, you know how much I love my Skims fleece joggers because the plush fleece is so soft. It's cozy. It's really comfortable without feeling too heavy. Well, I went to friend them and she would not stop talking about how comfy they were. She almost didn't give them back to me, which was upsetting, but I'm a girl's girl, so I let her have it.

• 39:41Dax Shepard?

  Great, great, great.

• 39:42Speaker 01

  So the sleep sets are awesome because they are very soft and comfortable, but they're cute. If I'm in my sleep set, I feel fine about going down the street to pick up my food. I'm still looking cute, but I'm comfy and I'm cozy.

• 39:55Dax Shepard?

  Roger.

• 39:56Speaker 01

  A really fun thing to do is if you're going on vacation with your girlfriends, to get matching Skims pajamas. I've done this with Callie and it is so fun. First of all, the pics are so cute, but also it's just fun and friendship.

• 40:09Dax Shepard?

  So a girl's girl is looking out for your friends with better loungewear. I get it. Am I one of your girls now?

• 40:14Speaker 01

  You are. You and the other girlies can shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop down menu that follows.

• 40:36Speaker 05

  So we got invited. I was super pumped. So you guys are familiar with tubing?

• 40:40Dax Shepard?

  Love it. But for people that are not familiar, you get a bunch of friends and a bunch of inner tubes and you get a second or third empty tube. You put a cooler in it. It's chock full of beer and you float down a river and get hammered, right?

• 40:53Speaker 05

  That's absolutely right.

• 40:54Dax Shepard?

  And it's about the most fun you can have drinking.

• 40:57Speaker 01

  It is really fun.

• 40:58Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Until you go over a waterfall.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, I wasn't gonna bring it.

• 41:03Dax Shepard?

  Was that the first time you had gone?

• 41:04Speaker 01

  No, I used to go on Helen all the time with Callie, but that was very low key.

• 41:09Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great.

• 41:09Speaker 05

  For this trip, it usually takes anywhere from two to four hours, depending on how high the river is. On this day, the river was a little bit low. We were taking a pretty long ride. We're getting ready. We're very excited. Maddie decides to drive with us. It's about an hour and 15 minutes away from where we live. I had a last minute thought. I hadn't eaten yet and I was going to be on a river all day. I just really quick throw my stuff together. I grab mayonnaise from the counter to make a sandwich.

• 41:40Dax Shepard?

  If this was a show or a movie, there'd be a close up right now in a push in on the mayonnaise on the counter.

• 41:46Speaker 05

  Yes, that's exactly right. So Cory, like I said, he's coming with, he is a notorious midnight snapper. The mayonnaise was out on the counter. I turned to Cory, say, hey, do you think this is okay to eat? And he very confidently said, yeah, it's probably fine. So it's a container, it was still a little cool, but no problem. We're probably safe, good to go. I whip up the sandwich, scarf it down, we hop in the car and we get going to the river. Once we get to the river, we meet everyone, we hop in the school bus. So you have to drive up river to float down. We got our cooler full of goodies. So finally we make it to the river. I'm still feeling good, you know, it's a good ride, it's a good day, it's super hot, it's very sunny.

• 42:29Speaker 05

  We were about an hour and a half into the ride and everyone was just hitting it up. We're having a good time.

• 42:36Dax Shepard?

  Have you had some beers at this point?

• 42:37Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, absolutely.

• 42:38Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, great, great.

• 42:40Speaker 05

  However, I start getting this feeling in my stomach, like something's not quite right. If you guys are familiar, it's that feeling that starts at the very top of your stomach and it oozes and it gets really bubbly and then all of a sudden it's moving lower and lower into your intestines.

• 42:56Dax Shepard?

  You can feel it.

• 42:57Speaker 05

  All of a sudden, I'm sweating.

• 43:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:00Speaker 05

  I'm clamming.

• 43:01Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 43:02Speaker 05

  I'm very quickly assessing the situation because I know one of two things is going to happen. I'm either going to push this feeling off, it's going to go away, I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna keep it together. Or this feeling is gonna keep on happening over and over again. And it's gonna be more and more intense until I finally don't have a choice.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 43:23Dax Shepard?

  And if I'm me, okay, I'm really quickly, I'm going, okay, so I could go, I'm gonna veer off to the bank of the river. I'm gonna pee in a bush, which would be weird because everyone's peeing in the river. So you kind of already outing yourself that you're really gonna shit. But that's one option, get off the river, shit in the woods. Second is.

• 43:40Dax Shepard?

  Just pull your bathing suit aside, let it rip.

• 43:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:42Dax Shepard?

  But the problem there is you're in a current and there is a good chance that that excrement will float on top.

• 43:49Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 43:50Dax Shepard?

  Come into the group. So you gotta consider that, right? So then you're like, do I try to get my tube way out in front of everyone or way behind? This is all the modeling I'd be doing. Were any of these thoughts crossing your mind?

• 44:01Speaker 05

  Absolutely. I was looking at the water.

• 44:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:04Speaker 05

  Where is it kind of rocky and flurry? So it was getting around and you wouldn't be able to tell. I don't need floating sticks anywhere near.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Right.

• 44:12Dax Shepard?

  Mm hmm.

• 44:13Speaker 05

  Silver lining. I'm wearing a black bikini belt.

• 44:16Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 44:17Dax Shepard?

  Perfect. Great start.

• 44:18Speaker 05

  The river is lined with private properties. The trees are really thin. There's really nowhere I can go without getting caught for indecent exposure. And again, I don't want to help myself.

• 44:27Dax Shepard?

  And I'm stereotyping, but in Michigan, this is fine. At least in my friendship group. Like if there was a gal on the trip and she had to shit, like this isn't a big deal. I feel like Wisconsin's similar, no?

• 44:39Speaker 05

  Maybe around people you know.

• 44:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 44:41Speaker 05

  This is our first time hanging out with this group.

• 44:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's basically a date.

• 44:44Dax Shepard?

  That's fair.

• 44:45Speaker 05

  Right. So I want to make a good friend impression. I don't want to be the girl that shit her pants on the river. Well, unfortunately, I got to the point where I had no choice. So that's exactly what I did. I kind of frolicked around. We were a few drinks deep at this point. I figured people probably thought I was a little tipsy. So I went to the side of the shore, laid in the rocks, went under the branches of the trees like a child.

• 45:11Speaker 01

  Oh, nice. This is good.

• 45:13Speaker 05

  I made myself feel a little bit more comfortable and I can figure fish poop in this water all the time.

• 45:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:19Speaker 05

  Spines. This is not clean water. I'm not dirtying anything that isn't already ruined. So I let it.

• 45:25Dax Shepard?

  Here's the problem. You know, the thing with the harness is it's floaty.

• 45:29Speaker 05

  Yep. So I didn't really know. I didn't want to look.

• 45:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, no. You just leave it.

• 45:34Speaker 05

  Right. So I splashed around. I got my tube cleaned out. I almost hit the middle inside of part of my tube or poop either.

• 45:42Dax Shepard?

  It's kind of playful too, splashing.

• 45:44Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm so carefree. I'm so Rachel. You were so Rachel right then.

• 45:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 45:49Speaker 05

  I was. I wish I could say that the story ended there. I felt better. It was done. But I can't. So unfortunately, at this point, I was experiencing full blown food poisoning. I figured it had to be from that sandwich. Now, I'm telling you, if I was at home, I would every twenty to thirty minutes be visiting the bathroom.

• 46:13Dax Shepard?

  Right, right, right. Did you have any compulsion to throw up? Thank God, it sounds like you didn't have to throw up, though.

• 46:21Speaker 05

  Correct. So I evacuated.

• 46:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 46:24Speaker 05

  Not one, but three times.

• 46:27Speaker 01

  Oh, and did you do your playful thing every time? Did you keep going back to the well?

• 46:33Dax Shepard?

  Did you alternate strategies?

• 46:34Speaker 05

  Honestly, I got to a point where it was so unfortunate. I was in this situation.

• 46:41Speaker 01

  Oh, no. Did you tell your boyfriend?

• 46:44Speaker 05

  I did, but he went through his own trauma during this trip. So I actually don't know if he remembers me telling him this or not.

• 46:52Speaker 01

  Oh, this sounds like a crazy two big.

• 46:55Dax Shepard?

  Wait, what was his trauma? Did he jump off a bridge?

• 46:56Speaker 05

  Third degree sunburn, full of blisters on his back, couldn't sleep. Wear sunscreen when you go to bed.

• 47:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, also.

• 47:04Speaker 01

  Also don't have mayonnaise before.

• 47:06Dax Shepard?

  Talk about rough showing for the couple, you know? It's like a movie, kind of. It's not the lead character. It's two folks who are comedic relief that have joined the trip. And one shits herself three times and the other guy's getting fucking blasted with sun.

• 47:20Speaker 05

  We did not make a good impression at all.

• 47:22Speaker 01

  But you didn't tell them, right? You didn't tell the friends.

• 47:25Speaker 05

  I don't think so. One part of the story that I want to share is this trip had what's called a sandbar. It's an area where about seventy five to a hundred people gather and party and hang out and take a break.

• 47:37Speaker 01

  Right.

• 47:38Speaker 05

  Our group decided to stop, take a break. I unfortunately was not done with my situation. So I was way too close to strangers. I'm not saying I looked anyone in the eye while it happened, but I put up.

• 47:52Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh, okay, uh huh. Wow, boy, this is great. You never consider when you're out, you're swimming and that one or two of the people are going through this.

• 48:01Speaker 01

  Were you worried about the sound?

• 48:03Speaker 05

  Not so much.

• 48:04Speaker 01

  Okay, that's good.

• 48:05Dax Shepard?

  Cause you're submerged, right?

• 48:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, but it's still.

• 48:07Dax Shepard?

  You would be worried about the sound. Did you ever see some floaters?

• 48:11Speaker 05

  I didn't, but like I said, I tried not to look.

• 48:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:15Speaker 01

  That's best.

• 48:16Dax Shepard?

  You were disassociated, yeah.

• 48:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, PMI probably, but the feeling of it felt like there probably wasn't much solid matter.

• 48:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, rounds two and three were probably liquid. You know, Rachel, this is a highly successful story. If you have to be in this situation, underwater is the dream.

• 48:36Speaker 01

  A hundred percent. And no one even knew.

• 48:38Speaker 05

  Yeah, I got very lucky.

• 48:40Speaker 01

  What about the car ride back? I'd be worried.

• 48:42Speaker 05

  I had forty five more minutes left of the float after we left the sandbar. And then I had an hour and fifteen minute drive home to just sit in the back and salt.

• 48:51Speaker 01

  Okay, but you were done of evacing, so that's good.

• 48:54Dax Shepard?

  Were you able to be joyful in between the rounds? Or were you a total dud on the floating trip?

• 48:59Speaker 05

  That's a great question. I wish I knew. Like I said, I was so dissociated. I want to say that I was cheerful, Rachel. It was great and I was super personable.

• 49:10Dax Shepard?

  You were probably just drunk and weird.

• 49:12Speaker 01

  But also you were shitting out the beer too. So like you couldn't stay drunk.

• 49:15Speaker 05

  The tiffiness in the intoxication was long gone after the second time it happened.

• 49:22Dax Shepard?

  The adrenaline.

• 49:23Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 49:24Dax Shepard?

  Did you guys end up developing a good double date friendship with this group? Or was that one and done trip?

• 49:30Speaker 05

  That is one and done.

• 49:31Speaker 01

  Ouch.

• 49:32Speaker 05

  We never saw these people. I'm wondering. I am wondering, do they know? Did they find out? Is this a part of it? So I have shoved this so far in my brain, it's going back in its little pocket.

• 49:46Speaker 01

  They were probably boring.

• 49:47Dax Shepard?

  To be honest, when you're on a tubing trip, everyone's pretty hammered. If you know you're bringing it up, it's not like top discretion time. I think you'd be like, oh, fuck, there's poop.

• 49:57Speaker 01

  But then it's easy to be like, yeah, what? In the water, where it could come from anything. And even if it's on you, you're like, it got on me.

• 50:05Dax Shepard?

  Ah, there's more on me. It's coming out of my butt.

• 50:08Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, so weird.

• 50:09Dax Shepard?

  It's got in me.

• 50:13Speaker 05

  No, I would not own that. If someone said there was poop, I'd be like, oh, my God, poop, where?

• 50:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, gross. Whoever did this.

• 50:22Speaker 01

  Again, like best case scenario for this, really.

• 50:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you kind of got lucky of all the places.

• 50:28Speaker 05

  I got away with it, that's for sure.

• 50:30Dax Shepard?

  Rachel, we hear a lot of these stories and you should tell people this. This is fine. People are not gonna judge you or think you're gross. It's kind of an adorable story.

• 50:37Speaker 01

  You'd be surprised how many people have dealt with this.

• 50:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, about 90%.

• 50:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm gonna say 99.

• 50:42Speaker 05

  Yeah, I can't be the only person who pooped themselves on a lazy river.

• 50:47Speaker 01

  No, that river was full of other people too.

• 50:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I think I've gone, but intentionally, you know.

• 50:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, people are doing it intentionally.

• 50:55Speaker 05

  I hope people aren't intentional.

• 50:57Dax Shepard?

  They're terrible.

• 51:01Dax Shepard?

  Well, it's lovely meeting you.

• 51:03Speaker 05

  Thank you, guys. I appreciate it. And I just want to quick give a shout out to my friend Michelle for letting me borrow her internet in her closet today.

• 51:11Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 51:13Dax Shepard?

  Thanks, Michelle.

• 51:13Speaker 01

  Thanks, Michelle.

• 51:14Speaker 05

  And Monica, just a special shout out to you for all of your big sis energy and helping me through my 30s. I really appreciate it. I just seem so kind and so sweet.

• 51:24Speaker 01

  Oh, that is really nice. Thank you so much.

• 51:28Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 51:29Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 51:32Dax Shepard?

  Here's Cara.

• 51:33Speaker 01

  Cara? The hotel?

• 51:35Dax Shepard?

  Cara or Cara?

• 51:36Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 51:37Dax Shepard?

  I think Cara.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  I was at Cara the Hotel the other day. Couple arm cherries came up.

• 51:42Dax Shepard?

  Hello? Is it Cara or Cara? Cara, right?

• 51:45Speaker 05

  It's Cara.

• 51:46Speaker 01

  Cara.

• 51:47Dax Shepard?

  Rob was right. Wabi-wa was right.

• 51:49Speaker 05

  Monica, I am a real follower to The Most Pain, so it just kills me that I couldn't make a fork because I'm at work.

• 51:56Speaker 01

  You don't have to. You sound great. I need you to release yourself of that.

• 52:00Dax Shepard?

  And I immediately need to talk about the little kind of anime cartoon you see on the wall.

• 52:05Speaker 05

  I think this is Mira from The Demon.

• 52:07Dax Shepard?

  Oh, K-pop.

• 52:08Speaker 05

  Yes, I'm a children's therapist and so I have lots of crafty things.

• 52:12Speaker 01

  Oh my gosh, good for you.

• 52:14Dax Shepard?

  It does look fun and inviting already. And then what's over your left shoulder on the wall?

• 52:19Speaker 05

  It's like a collage of raccoons dancing.

• 52:23Speaker 01

  Oh, very playful.

• 52:24Dax Shepard?

  Raccoons. Can you tell us what part of the country you're in?

• 52:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, I am in Seattle.

• 52:29Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 52:29Dax Shepard?

  Okay, wonderful. Okay, so you have an unauthorized evac story for us?

• 52:34Speaker 05

  Sure do.

• 52:34Speaker 01

  Oh, we're so excited.

• 52:36Speaker 05

  It is in the Princess Louisa Inlet in Canada. At a camp, are we familiar with Young Life at all?

• 52:43Dax Shepard?

  No, and I also need to know, is that on the west coast or the east coast? West coast?

• 52:47Speaker 05

  West coast.

• 52:47Dax Shepard?

  Okay, up by B C.

• 52:49Speaker 01

  Is Young Life like the religious camp?

• 52:51Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 52:52Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 52:52Dax Shepard?

  Tell me more, I don't know about it.

• 52:53Speaker 05

  It's a evangelical nonprofit that's a lot about taking kids who aren't Christians and trying to take them to these camps where they have these like spiritual experiences and then they're like, I want to be a Christian now. I was a camper and I was a leader and a staff member.

• 53:09Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 53:10Speaker 05

  And now I am none of those things.

• 53:13Dax Shepard?

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 53:15Speaker 01

  Your life has taken a lot of turns.

• 53:17Speaker 05

  Yes, the emo teen to Young Life staff to therapist pipeline is crazy.

• 53:23Dax Shepard?

  And were your parents involved with that or did you initiate your involvement?

• 53:26Speaker 05

  I grew up in the church. I mean, at the time, it was a great community. It really, I think, served a lot of purposes that I can still hold on to. And one of them was that like I had some really great times at camp and this is where that camp was. It's called Malibu, but it's not anything like Malibu, California, except that it is really beautiful. And this camp, you take one ferry and then you drive for a while and then you take this boat that just has campers on it. It's a three hour, very slow boat ride to this like secluded camp that used to be where celebrities would go. They used to have like pictures of celebrities on the wall, but it's this beautiful camp that just shows up out of nowhere. There's an outer dock that you get dropped off at and then there's like a half a mile walk into camp.

• 54:11Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 54:11Speaker 05

  It's Christian summer camp where there's lots of activities. It's kids that do Young Life all over the world that will come to this. You're also there with just a lot of different people, not just people from your area.

• 54:23Dax Shepard?

  This sounds so fun. If we could take up the scripture, I would be in.

• 54:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:26Speaker 05

  Honestly, they do camp wonderfully and it was a blast. And one of the activities that we do as a camp in the evening, we sing songs and they talk about Jesus and all that. And then we go back to our cabins and we do cabin time. I went to camp with some girls that I went to high school with and at cabin time, it's like, what did you hear the speaker talk about? And you've been doing camp activities all day and so you're super hungry and super tired by the time this cabin time comes.

• 54:55Dax Shepard?

  It's for reflection, it sounds like.

• 54:57Speaker 05

  Yeah, a lot of tears, a lot of I've made out with boys, I shouldn't do that. I'm so sorry. It's also fantastic food. So we have like had a lot of camp food, but at cabin Cabin time, we had a bunch of snacks and one of those snacks was Fiber One Bars.

• 55:12Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 55:12Speaker 05

  I didn't have that reaction because I didn't know what they did. I just finished my sophomore year of high school. So this was in 2011. I was really hungry, so I had three of them.

• 55:22Speaker 01

  Oh boy.

• 55:22Speaker 05

  Because I didn't know what Fiber did.

• 55:24Dax Shepard?

  That was me and Space Cake in Amsterdam. I was like, it's just delicious. I didn't anticipate.

• 55:29Speaker 05

  So I had the Fiber One Bars. We had the next day of camp and our cabin activity for the day was going on a Caribbean ride. The inner tubes that go behind boats that's like shaped like a banana, but like in a hot dog bun, sort of. You like sit on the banana, put your feet on the hot dog bun.

• 55:47Speaker 01

  Oh, cool.

• 55:48Dax Shepard?

  You've seen those, right? And like five or six people can ride on it. They're pretty long.

• 55:51Speaker 05

  Yeah. The videos make it look really easy to stay on them. I was very disappointed by the amount of time I spent trying to get on that thing. To the amount of time actually on it. So we did that for a few hours. That's not true. That was really dramatic. We maybe did it for like an hour.

• 56:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. I also love the irony and the phallic nature of all the young Christian girls riding this humongous yellow dick around the water for an hour.

• 56:18Speaker 05

  The horniness over the camp is crazy.

• 56:21Dax Shepard?

  In reflection, it's like, I had impure thoughts on the banana today.

• 56:25Speaker 05

  They set you up for it. And then they're like, how dare you?

• 56:28Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh.

• 56:30Speaker 05

  So something about my swimsuit to know is I was wearing spandex shorts in case something were to come off. So I just tried to keep myself secure. It's always on the last run, as we know. And so this was the last run before going back in. And we took a turn. Everyone falls off and we all had helmets on and I hear like a thunk.

• 56:49Dax Shepard?

  Ooh.

• 56:49Speaker 05

  And then I fall in the water and water shoots right up my butt.

• 56:55Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 56:56Speaker 05

  Like a hose, just straight up. And then my Fiber One Bar poops come all out.

• 57:02Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 57:05Speaker 05

  So you know like minestrone soup?

• 57:07Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh, sure.

• 57:08Speaker 05

  So if you were to like dump that out into like a tub, already has water in it.

• 57:12Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 57:14Speaker 05

  But then you like sit in the tub with it.

• 57:15Speaker 01

  Oh, this is horrible.

• 57:19Dax Shepard?

  Did your spandex shorts come off or just somehow the water passed through the spandex shorts and all the shit come out the pant legs or who knows?

• 57:26Speaker 05

  It had to because there was some stuck in my shorts. But it had also all come out and I'm just seeing it.

• 57:32Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 57:33Speaker 05

  Floating around me.

• 57:35Speaker 01

  This is horrifying.

• 57:37Speaker 05

  Yes. And I'm like, can my cabin mates see it? And we're in an inlet. And so I'm kind of pushing things around, making sure people don't notice. At this point, my brain is just like, oh, my God, that's my poop. And then I don't remember how we got back to the dock. Did I get back on the Cree Bay? Did I get in the boat? I don't remember. But it dropped us back off at the outer dock. So I had to walk the half mile back to camp.

• 58:02Dax Shepard?

  Ooh, a half mile in wet spandex?

• 58:04Speaker 05

  Wet poopy spandex, no shoes, and it's like a trail. The walk that you do when you're kind of like flexing.

• 58:12Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 58:14Dax Shepard?

  Cause you thought you had to do more?

• 58:16Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, there was definitely more.

• 58:18Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so you're feeling pressure for another round?

• 58:20Speaker 05

  Yes, I was like, we are not done.

• 58:22Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and there's maybe some seawater up in there, too.

• 58:25Speaker 05

  Oh, yes, a lot that needs to come back out. Put my towel tied around me, left my cabin mates. I was like, bye, I don't care. And I just like did this clenched butt cheek waddle all the way back and also could still feel it dripping on my legs and chunkies like on my feet.

• 58:44Speaker 01

  This is awful.

• 58:46Speaker 05

  And I'm a 15 year old girl. I'm like, I want to die.

• 58:49Speaker 01

  And there are boys there, too?

• 58:50Dax Shepard?

  Are there boys there?

• 58:51Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 58:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh, no, I somehow thought it was just all girls.

• 58:56Speaker 05

  Boys were very attractive.

• 58:58Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 59:01Speaker 05

  Instead of going back to my cabin, and I had this whole half mile walk to plan, I went to the bathroom. That's a single person. You lock the door and people have to like knock to come in, you know? And I strip off my swimsuit and I throw it in the sink and I sit naked and wet on the toilet and just like keep pooping.

• 59:18Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 59:18Speaker 05

  Poop until it's done. I'm taking Toilet paper and like trying to like dry off. And so then I have like that soggy toilet

• 59:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:26Speaker 05

  I'm finally done pooping. There's no poop on my body. I go and I rinse out my swimsuit in the sink. I don't want to put my like poopy towel around me and I also don't want to walk in just the towel back to my cabin. So I put my wet swimsuit back on. That's still like a little bit poopy, but rinsed off, go to my cabin, get ready to shower and then the girls go, we should just go to the pool now. And so I was like, yeah, you're right.

• 59:55Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 59:56Speaker 05

  I was like, I think what would be better than taking a shower is the chlorine would just kill all the bacteria. So I just decided with my 15 year old logic to jump in the pool to clean off.

• 1:00:06Dax Shepard?

  Well, in your defense, that was before they hung the signs up that said, if you have active diarrhea, do not swim, which are now ever present. But we didn't know that it was a simpler time.

• 1:00:15Speaker 05

  That's right. Now, the girls who went to the camp with me will need to fact check me, but I talked to one of my friends who went with us last night and I was like, was it me? And I'm pretty sure that the thunk that I heard when I fell off, I thought it was someone else's helmet, but it ended up being Gabby's nose.

• 1:00:37Speaker 01

  What?

• 1:00:39Speaker 05

  My friend remembers that she was on the Caribbean with us, that she broke her nose on that ride and Gabby was sitting behind me.

• 1:00:46Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:00:48Speaker 05

  So I think that's why no one really noticed that I was having my poopy incident because when Gabby fell off, she broke her nose.

• 1:00:54Dax Shepard?

  Thank God for her broken nose.

• 1:00:57Speaker 01

  Gabby.

• 1:00:58Dax Shepard?

  But also, percentage wise, there's six passengers, one broke their nose and one shit their pants. That's, you know, I feel like a waiver needed to be signed.

• 1:01:06Speaker 01

  Maybe other things happened too that we don't know about.

• 1:01:08Speaker 05

  And my friend who was on it with us, she also hurt her hip really bad. The same ride.

• 1:01:15Speaker 01

  This is a disaster.

• 1:01:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, you sign so many liability waivers.

• 1:01:19Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 1:01:21Dax Shepard?

  Not that you guys care, but I think what the problem with those big floating bananas is they're underinflated a lot. So it's like when one kid moves, it shoves air in back and then, you know, it's just a wild ride. Such a heartwarming story. It sounds like it could be in Meatballs, the camp movie or Wet Hot American Summer. It's got that joyful patina.

• 1:01:38Speaker 01

  It does.

• 1:01:38Dax Shepard?

  It makes me nostalgic for a camp I never even went to.

• 1:01:41Speaker 05

  I was looking at pictures of when I was at the camp and I was trying to have compassion for 15 year old me, but she was a horny.

• 1:01:48Dax Shepard?

  Struggling. Oh, my gosh. I was like taking pictures with these hot boys and posting them on Facebook. And I'm like, they don't even know who I am. This is crazy.

• 1:01:57Speaker 01

  It's just so hard to be a person.

• 1:01:59Dax Shepard?

  Did you ever have any hookups at this Christian camp? No, I wish. But there were hookups happening, right? Oh, yeah. Cause I also like went as a leader and a staff member and there was kids getting in trouble all the time for having sex. Yeah. Well, you gotta tell people, leave room for Jesus between you, right? When they're dancing at the dancers.

• 1:02:15Speaker 01

  Yeah. And then, and then.

• 1:02:16Dax Shepard?

  Leave room for the Lord.

• 1:02:17Speaker 01

  They're not really having sex. They're soaking and that doesn't count.

• 1:02:21Dax Shepard?

  I think that's specifically Mormons.

• 1:02:22Speaker 01

  Well, no, I have a friend who was not Mormon.

• 1:02:25Dax Shepard?

  She did some soaking?

• 1:02:26Speaker 01

  She hadn't had sex yet. And then she's like, but he put it in. I was like, wait, that counts.

• 1:02:32Dax Shepard?

  Very liberal definition.

• 1:02:33Speaker 01

  Exactly. She was very religious and so you find your ways.

• 1:02:36Dax Shepard?

  The anal one's always a fun workaround too.

• 1:02:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:39Dax Shepard?

  That's a fun workaround.

• 1:02:42Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Why don't you just? Well, thanks for doing the Lord's work and working with children. Yeah. I feel like you're the perfect person for this. I appreciate it. This is delightful.

• 1:02:51Speaker 01

  Have a great rest of your day.

• 1:02:52Dax Shepard?

  You too. Take care. All right. Bye bye.

• 1:02:55Speaker 01

  I just feel like if I was surrounded by minister only soup, I would panic.

• 1:03:00Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:01Speaker 01

  I would probably do something really like.

• 1:03:03Dax Shepard?

  Evil?

• 1:03:03Speaker 01

  Yeah. Like who did this? And I'd start blaming.

• 1:03:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:07Speaker 03

  Blame the girl that broke her nose.

• 1:03:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. Oh, she broke her nose and evacuated everywhere.

• 1:03:13Dax Shepard?

  Gross.

• 1:03:13Speaker 01

  Shit everywhere because her nose broke and she just let loose.

• 1:03:16Dax Shepard?

  She's disgusting. That one reminded me of my mom's story of somehow they hung out with friends in Florida when my mom and dad were married and they were young. And they had a boat. They took them water skiing, but there were alligators where they were water skiing. And so my mom was like in the process of trying to get up and she couldn't get all the way up, but she refused to let go of the rope. Because she was so afraid to be in there with alligators that she just drug behind the boat for an incredibly long time. And it gave her a huge enema and she had the same situation.

• 1:03:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:47Dax Shepard?

  Happens to the best of us.

• 1:03:49Speaker 01

  Sure does.

• 1:03:51Dax Shepard?

  Always a blessing.

• 1:03:52Speaker 01

  It is.

• 1:03:53Dax Shepard?

  All right. Love you.

• 1:03:56Speaker 07

  Do you wanna sing a tune or something? We know the theme song.

• 1:03:58Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay, great.

• 1:04:01Speaker 07

  We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, a rhyme dish. On the fly, a rhyme dish. Enjoy.