149: What Is Anxious Attachment and How It Shows Up in Dating and Relationships?

Struggling with constant overthinking in relationships? Sabrina explores anxious attachment with a focus on neuroscience and real healing. Learn why your brain reacts to silence as danger and how protest behaviors keep you stuck in cycles of anxiety. This episode reveals an understanding of what anxious attachment is and isn't, practical tools to rewire your nervous system, reparent your inner child, and move toward secure connections. Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! If you've ever felt like you're too much, not enough, or always chasing validation in dating or relationships, the Self Love Course gives you the tools to rebuild your worth from the inside out HERE! Do you feel like your emotions run the show and react in ways you can’t control? Join the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknowns In Early Dating from Sabrina and Masha Kay HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Football has a play for just about everything. You can go deep, keep it on the ground, or draw up something nobody sees coming. And whether you want to run a flea flicker or the tush push, you need a plan to fit your unique situation. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you so they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Now that's a solid game plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

• 0:29Speaker 01

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• 0:59Sabrina Zohar?

  Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hello, my babies. Welcome back to part two of our attachment series. And we're doing anxious attachment today. One that I know all too fucking well. Guys, I'm super excited. As always, if you haven't already, please don't forget to rate, review the show, subscribe, follow along. If you guys need anything, you could join one of the courses. You could work with me one-on-one. You can ask a question. We do dating app, profile audit, whatever you guys need. Everything will be linked in the show notes. And as always, guys, please just be cognizant of the language that we're using. I get it. I might not be for everybody and that's okay. But we don't need to be assholes to each other or to me, if you don't like it. So we're cultivating a community here and I am by your side through it all. And that's why I just ask, guys,

• 1:44Sabrina Zohar?

  don't forget about auto downloads. This is how you help me grow the show. And the only way I can keep the show free for you is by supporting our sponsors, rating and reviewing, sharing it with a friend. That way I can come back every single week. All right, my babies. Without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? Okay, babes. It's anxious attachment style time. I know. We all know it all too well. And there's a lot of folks here that are in it. Or maybe you're dating somebody that has anxious attachment style. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, I got your back today, my babies. Because I think there is a lot of misconception, especially like, as you know, we had the avoidant episode last week, and then now we're going into the other attachment style. And I find that there is a misunderstanding, I think, of the attachment styles in general, that these are when you're triggered. It's like, you know, I don't know anybody that has anxious attachment that's just always

• 2:28Sabrina Zohar?

  fucking manic, that is just freaking out 24/7. It's the same with avoidance. And if somebody is, it's like, well, then that might just be a much deeper rooted insecurity versus it just being the attachment style. And that's kind of the conversation I wanted to have. And I think a question that we get so often is like, why do I get to attach so fast? Why do I need constant fucking reassurance even when things seem fine? Why do I overthink every single text? Well, that's what this episode is for. It's because if you always feel like you're too much, if you always need the clarity, you can't fucking stop spiraling when you're dating or you're in a relationship with somebody, like, we're just, we're not just gonna call it anxious, we're going to unpack it from the nervous system, from the brain physiologically, psychologically, attachment theory, and lived

• 3:13Sabrina Zohar?

  fucking experience. So that's what we're going to do today. And I wanted to start by educating a little bit, because that's one thing I noticed. Like, you guys write in on Insta, so if you haven't followed already, it's the Sabrina Zohar Show on Insta, and I do a question box. And a lot that I get is, how do I get rid of this? How do I fix it? How do I get this away? How can I stop feeling this when I'm dating? And I think that's the issue. What you resist persists. That's like saying, how do I get rid of my, like, my limbs? And you're like, you don't. You don't get rid of it. You don't fix it. You're not fucking broken, there's nothing to fix. What you do is you learn to heal through it. And here's a reality I don't think anybody's really talking about in the healing world, and it fucking pisses me off, and so let's say it, let's see if this even gets seen. Healing does not mean that the emotions and feeling goes away.

• 3:56Sabrina Zohar?

  Doing the healing work doesn't mean that you're never gonna have anxiety, or avoidance, or you're never gonna shut down, and you're never gonna be triggered. What it means is that you now have the tools that are needed to step in so that you don't react, you can now respond. You understand taking a pause, you understand regulating your nervous system, you understand not changing other people, you understand that you can only have control over yourself, you understand about black and white thinking and creating shades of gray. It doesn't mean that you never feel anxiety again. I feel significantly less anxiety than I have ever had, and also on a physiological level of like, me doing the mold detox and really moving through. Because anxiety isn't just core beliefs, right? Like, we have to look to, especially if you're somebody that's done a fuck-ton of work on themselves, maybe go see a doctor, like a functional medicine doctor, so that you can get curious,

• 4:38Sabrina Zohar?

  because I knew that it was more than just daddy issues causing these things. And, we'll go over all that. So, I wanted to start by first saying, what actually is anxious attachment style? Right? So clinically speaking, anxious attachment style isn't just about being clingy, and it's not about being psycho, and it's not any of that. It's a nervous system adaptation to inconsistent emotional safety in childhood. Right? Same with, like, avoidant and all the others. So when love felt unpredictable, sometimes it was worn, sometimes it was withdrawn. Like, my father, right? Sometimes he was there, sometimes not. Your body learns that connection is everything, and it can disappear at any second, which is why it's like, I have to have them. Where are they going? Why are they leaving me? So your system becomes hyper attuned to threats of disconnection. A pause in texting, a change in tone, they didn't put a period, a delay in plans,

• 5:22Sabrina Zohar?

  maybe they said that they couldn't be there that night, anything that might signal rejection, your brain registers it as danger. So, if you guys want specific, kind of like, the neuroscience of it, so the neuroscience of anxious attachment. So you guys know, I talk all the time about, we have our prefrontal cortex, right? Decision-making, common sense, and when you get dysregulated, that goes offline. And so, an example, this morning I was with one of my clients, I'm not gonna share anything personal about her, it's just the fact that, like, we went through this. And she kept vacillating between her parts. First, it was, no, I'm not gonna be able to be out without this guy, and I'm scared, and what if he doesn't pick me, and I don't deserve someone like him? And then, when I was like, hey, could you explain? Like, what do you mean, someone like him? I was like, could you give me examples? And then she was like, you know, it's actually, he has a lot of red flags,

• 6:05Sabrina Zohar?

  and starts listing off all the red flags, and I could see she was vacillating between the parts. She was in her fear center, but then when she'd come more regulated and come back online, she started realizing, I don't really choose him. I don't really enjoy that, right? So you could start to see how that was going back and forth. And when we go back to our amygdala, that fear center, right? I'm scared they're gonna leave me, I'm scared. And when you start to really go, what am I so scared of? What is a part of me need to hear? That, no matter what, I'll be okay, because I'm proud of myself? Am I self-abandoning, or am I actually showing up for myself? That's a big thing, anxious attachers, we fucking self-abandon. And it shows up, in many ways. But when we get turned, you know, prefrontal cortex turns off, you go into your amygdala, right? Then what is that? So the amygdala, what it actually is, it's your brain's alarm system.

• 6:45Sabrina Zohar?

  So when it becomes hyperactive, it's scanning constantly for signs of abandonment. And so that's why you'll start to feel how, how many times have you noticed that you're like, I feel like a child, right? I don't feel like the adult. I don't feel like a fucking, for me, 35-year-old woman that's sitting in the fucking room. I feel like I'm a six-year-old. I feel like I'm talking to my parents right now because I'm upset that they're not acknowledging me, or I feel like I'm begging for them to see me, or I feel like I'm talking to my teachers, or the kids that bullied me in school. Where do you go? Because you go back into your fear center, and that's a different age. That's very rarely the age that you're at. You're not, and here's the thing, it doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel those feelings. And I think that's a common misconception, especially with the anxious attachers are like, why do I have to do all the work and the avoidant doesn't? Nobody's saying that. But what is your part? You can only take care of your part.

• 7:30Sabrina Zohar?

  And that is important to be able to regulate and come back online and be able to handle things like an adult. I don't care how the other person's acting, and you're not doing this for them, you're doing this for you. So, we have a new term. The orbitofrontal cortex. So that is a part of your brain that integrates emotional and relational cues, can't regulate fast enough. And that's something that the anxious attachment has. So your system stays lit up longer after a trigger. And then you get stuck in the limbic looping. So fear gets stopped, seeking closeness, then it goes to relief, then it goes to fear. It's not just emotional, this is literally biological. This is literally that your body is literally wired to seek reassurance as a form of fucking regulation, which is why, notice how when the avoidant partner, that's why the avoidant partner gets, feels really overwhelmed.

• 8:14Sabrina Zohar?

  That's why the avoidant partner is like, hey, I need a minute, I need a second, this is feeling like I don't know how to show up for you. Which is also why I say, it's not that you're too needy, it's that your body is hardwired to regulate with somebody else. And again, anxious attachment, low sense of self, high sense of others. So what are some ways that this comes out? Right? How does this manifest? You'll attach quickly. Sometimes even before you fucking know this person is truly safe or compatible, that's it, right? You're not connecting, you're attaching. You're over-functioning. You text first, you plan the dates, you follow up, you accommodate, because you're trying to secure the fucking bond. And bitch, don't tell me you don't fucking do that, because I fucking did that all day. I took on so much of the emotional, like, and just the labor of dating. I remember, like- When I would match with somebody, instead of just allowing it, right? Like, oh, they didn't answer me?

• 8:59Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, they didn't answer me. Like, I can't force it. Like, now I wouldn't even give a fuck. I would constantly try to poke the bear, get them to come back. If I didn't hear from somebody, my famous way of doing things is like I would send something of like, "Hey, I miss you," or "I'd love to see you." And then if they didn't answer in 20, 30 minutes, or like when I deemed it wasn't safe, I would respond, "Guess not. You can imagine." You can imagine how many guys were like, "Whoa, dude, what the fuck?" Because I was doing anything I could to secure the connection, instead of just allowing it to be what it was. And another aspect, you'll experience emotional whiplash. So you'll feel this euphoria, this connection, and then abandonment the moment things shift. And that's also why when people are like, "No, no, no, but when I'm with them, it's fucking amazing and everything's incredible, but when they're not, I'm a wreck." It's like those, because the only reason you're stoked on it

• 9:43Sabrina Zohar?

  and the reason that you feel so good with them is because you feel chosen in the moment. But it's like my client, when we spoke and I really started to get questioning with her, she even realized it. And she was like, "I don't actually even know if I like this guy anymore." And not because it was, well, I wasn't even saying anything. I was just asking her questions. And then by the time we got back to it, and then like I could see she would go back and slip in into being like, "But, you know, I just, I don't think I'm ever gonna find anybody as good." And it was like, "Okay, but now we're idealizing him. What makes him so good?" I would bring her back to the present moment.

• 10:08Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Football has a play for just about everything. You can go deep, keep it on the ground, or draw up something nobody sees coming. And whether you want to run a flea flicker or the tush push, you need a plan to fit your unique situation. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you, so they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Now that's a solid game plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

• 10:36Sabrina Zohar?

  Here's the one thing. Anxious attachers obsess over tone, texting gaps, IG stories, not because you want to. It's not. It's because your system is starved for certainty. We need to know it's gonna be okay. You're not gonna leave me, you're not gonna abandon me. I'm not gonna be blindsided, because what happened as a kid? You're blindsided a lot. Maybe that caregiver was in and out. They were super inconsistent, hot and cold. Like my dad, one minute he was there, one minute he wasn't. And that breed, that disconnection is incredibly anxiety inducing. And this is also another thing. A lot of people think, "Oh, I have anxiety, that means I have anxious attachment." They're not the same. Anxiety is very normal, because dating is the unknown. Anxious attachment is what do you do with that anxiety? What's the narrative that starts to be created? How does that manifest in your body? That's why when people ask the difference between your gut reaction and your anxiety

• 11:19Sabrina Zohar?

  and anxious attachment, your gut is a calming sensation. Usually like, if I see something, if somebody asks me, "Do you like this?" No. That's your gut, right? No, I don't like that color. You notice how you didn't like, "Ooh." Versus when it's anxiety, it comes with a body sensation and a narrative. So if it's anxiety, "Do you like this color?" "Oh, my God, wait, am I gonna say the wrong thing? Fuck, oh, my God, am I being an idiot? Oh, my God, wait." And you start to narrative, and then you're like, "I'm... I can't breathe." Okay, versus just being like, "No, I don't like that."

• 11:47Sabrina Zohar?

  And so because the anxious attacher needs that certainty, that's why. And then what happens? And they start dating people that are avoidant, that are more independent. And that's how they get their certainty, is by being alone. And you could see why this dynamic happens. Doesn't mean that you can't push past it. And so another common trigger that we see is silence or slow replies. Usually what that means is like, we'll go baseline to like, "Oh, I did something wrong." Someone needing space, they're leaving me, they're abandoning me. A partner's bad mood, it's my fault. Always, right? I did something, what did I do wrong? Conflict, they're gonna withdraw and never come back. Right? And I even had that with my client this morning. And she was like, "No, no, but if I say how I feel, like, he's gonna leave me, and he's not gonna want anything." And I was like, "Okay, great." So you saying something? It's that simple for them to walk away? What are you missing? As a kid, that was detrimental. Because think about it. I see parents, like, I see that all the time.

• 12:31Sabrina Zohar?

  Like, the kid will say something, the parents are like, "I'm leaving." And you see the kid lose their fucking marbles. And it's like, yeah, because they're terrified. They're terrified that if they say something, that the caregivers are gonna leave? Terrified that if they say something, that this person's gonna abandon them and never fucking come back? That is really fucking scary! And what happens is your system treats closeness as survival. And when it's disrupted, even briefly, even this person going to the fucking grocery store, you're in fight or flight. Fight or flight. But in relationships, that could look like protest behavior. That can look like overanalyzing. That can look like spiraling. And don't you worry, we're gonna talk about protest behavior, because this is the number one thing people ask about. Your body doesn't know the fucking difference between a breakup and a pause in communication. To an anxious system, to somebody with that high anxiety, they both feel like danger. This isn't about shame or pathology.

• 13:14Sabrina Zohar?

  It's about unmet needs that got encoded into your fucking nervous system. And no one ever taught you how to feel safe without the constant validation. Which is why when people ask of like, "I don't understand, why don't they know any better?" It's like, who the fuck told them otherwise? Who has ever taught us otherwise? If I've always been taught that I need to text to feel close? Right? Try to define the relationship too early. I spiral when they go quiet. Who's gonna teach me otherwise? Over apologizing to keep the peace? Eh? Confusing connection with activation?

• 13:46Sabrina Zohar?

  It's like, you don't just want love. And especially when you have anxiety, you need proof of it constantly. Because without that constant reassurance, your nervous system fills the blanks in with rejection. And that's also why I say, and I love you guys, and I say this all the fucking time, is because people will say like, well, how do I get over this? And it's like, you have to start to challenge it. You are not gonna get, and you're never gonna feel better until you start to feel. And if you wanna fucking get rid of anxiety, you genuinely wanna get rid of your anxious attachment cell, you need to learn how to fucking feel it. You need to learn to stop running away from it. You need to learn that not everybody else has the answers, that the answers lie within our fucking selves. And if you genuinely wanna move past this, you gotta do the work to be fucking in it. And that's why most people don't want to.

• 14:30Sabrina Zohar?

  That's why most people argue with me in my comments. And that's why they get irate, because they don't wanna actually have to do the work that makes them fucking uncomfortable. So let's talk about protest behavior, what it is and why you do it. So protest behavior by definition is the nervous system's attempt to reconnect by literally any means necessary. And if you're watching Love Island, this is gonna be, whenever you guys listen to this, might be well past it. But Huda is the exact, perfect example of protest behavior, right? You're not trying to manipulate, you're trying to survive disconnection. So you're not doing this on purpose to be like, I'm gonna do this and then they're gonna do that. No, oftentimes, those examples look like texting things just to get a reaction, like, fine, never mind then. Withdrawing to punish or test them, if they cared, they'd reach out. I'm not gonna do anything.

• 15:10Sabrina Zohar?

  Match that energy, over-communicating, just checking in again, just wanted to make sure, hey, are you mad at me? Are you okay? Over-analyzing social media for signs of them pulling away. I see this all the fucking time, but he watched the stories, but he didn't do it. It's like, you're looking for it. When you go looking for it, you will fucking find it. Saying you're done just to provoke reassurance, bitch. I used to do this all the time with my ex. I'd be like, fine, I'm done, I can't do this anymore. And one day, he was like, I think you're right. I was like, wait, what? What? Well? Huh? What do you mean I'm right? And I remember just like, it was catastrophic. It was bad. And I was terrified of what that meant, because I wasn't doing it authentically. I was doing it because I really just wanted this person to be like, no, I love you, I'm here for you. And again, it's like, it's not about you're being dramatic.

• 15:53Sabrina Zohar?

  It's you're trying to regain control in a moment when you feel powerless. And I get that, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's healthy. And one thing that we have to remember about the nervous system is it seeks closure or closeness. Right? And protest behavior is an attempt to force either. Because again, we don't like to feel uncomfortable. We don't like to not know what's going on. We don't like to sit in the discomfort. So I need to know. And I hear a lot of stuff like, oh, well, if I end it first. And I'm like, I used to have, my friends used to call me sabotage. Because I was the queen of like, no, I'm gonna hurt me first before you fucking hurt me. Ego. I wanted to protect myself. And I want you to start looking of like, I need you to start tracking your protest urges. Before you act, I want you to ask like, am I trying to connect or control? I want you to name the fucking story. My fear says they're pulling away, but fear isn't a fact.

• 16:38Sabrina Zohar?

  I don't have any facts to back this up. And maybe create a fucking pause plan. Go to rituals when you feel dysregulated. Go for a fucking walk. Voice note to self. Check up, like, checked object constancy list. And what an object constancy list is, what are things that are object permanence? What are things that you can trust? Like, Clem was my object constancy. That's why when he passed, it was so detrimental to me. He was the only consistency I'd had. He was that one thing. That's why it's so hard when I move a lot, when you're constantly going through a lot of changes. New, new, new, new, new, always. You don't have object constancy and permanency. And can you practice self-generated safety? What does that actually mean? Even if they don't reply right now, I'm still safe. I can hold myself, I'm here for me. Because here's what Dick Short says on the episode that's coming out.

• 17:21Sabrina Zohar?

  Are you meeting yourself with compassion or curiosity? If you're not meeting with either of those, start again. Compassion or curiosity? Because compassion is how you're gonna give yourself dopamine. And compassion is how you're gonna actually rewire. And compassion is how you're gonna change these fucking behaviors. Curiosity is how you're gonna get deeper. I want to go through a myth busting round. And honestly, too, I thought about it. I wanted to, I was like, ooh, do I go super personal in this episode? And I was like, okay, if you're listening to this and you haven't listened to the May 2nd birthday episode, go back, listen to that. And you'll hear, because I want you guys to also know, I'm not sitting on like, my high horse and my fucking tree branch being like peasants. As if I'm like, the most secure woman in the world. I was her. I was. The girl that would lose her fucking shit. I was the girl that self abandoned. I remember dating this guy.

• 18:06Sabrina Zohar?

  We met on Hinge. And I remember I used my body as a means to force connection with people. So I was sexting and we but like it wasn't I wasn't naked, but it was like sexy suggestive photos. We hadn't even met yet. We go on the first date. It's electric and we go back and we hook up and we have a great time. You know, I did that for like three months. And like the dates were like elaborate dates. Like we went to the museum of sex and we would go out to dinner and then we'd have like crazy sex all night. Like it was so I mean, it's such micro penis. Hindsight, sure, 2020. I didn't like this guy. I thought he was cool. He was OK. He was just on paper, everything I wanted, but I didn't actually genuinely like him. And I remember one day we were talking and I said something. I was like, you're being an asshole. And he was like, well, if you weren't such a slut. And I remember just being like, did you just call me a slut? And he was like, who the fucks in sexy photos? And I was like, you did.

• 18:50Sabrina Zohar?

  I was like, you started it. You sent those photos to me. And I was like, so now you're baiting me and then you're shaming me for doing what you also did? I was like, talk about a double standard. I still wanted to date this guy. Because at that point, I was like, I remember he was in my phone as S Kitty. His name started with an S and then I had the little kitty face. And I had that in there because I was like, I would just wait and wait and wait. And he never reached out. He never did on his own. I was always the one reaching out. Hey, can we hang out? Even to the point where like I went over to have like the breakup conversation of like, what are we doing? This is just casual. We're both crying. He's holding me in his arms. He's like, I'm sorry, I just can't do it. I care so much about you, but I just can't show up. I can't do it. I can't be that guy. I go downstairs and I remember I started crying hysterically and I showed back up and I was like, I can't leave.

• 19:35Sabrina Zohar?

  And he like grabs me and he kisses me. And next thing I know, we're on the couch and we're making out. We're having sex and then we're getting dinner and we're the next morning. Still was the same. I remember I in my head, I was like, no, this is like a movie and it's so romantic.

• 19:49Sabrina Zohar?

  No, he still felt the same. I had just completely self abandoned because I was terrified of being left. Terrified. I saw him six months later with his new girlfriend. I think honestly, they got married and have a kid now. I have no idea. I haven't seen him in, I think I was 24 when that happened. Yeah, 24, I was working at my old company. And I worked in the city. So I I get it. And that's one of so many fucking stories of how I just guys would talk about, don't just be inappropriate. Or I was doing anything to like make it happen. Dudes that were evasive. And again, speaking in heterosexual norms, fill in the blanks however you want. People that were being evasive that weren't making the plans, I wanted them even more. And that's what brings us into the first myth of like, you're just needy. No, you need connection to feel safe. That's human. The issue isn't the need, it's the urgency.

• 20:31Sabrina Zohar?

  The issue isn't the need, it's the fucking urgency. Myth two, anxious people are insecure and emotionally immature. Most are deeply empathetic and self-aware. You're right, they are insecure, but they're also dysregulated, underperceived disconnection. And so that's the reality is like, yeah, most of the time, any attachment style, that insecure attachment style, secure attachment style. So yeah, most of the people, we are insecure, but that doesn't mean that there's facts to back that up. That just means that that shit we can work through and we will learn to regulate our nervous system.

• 21:02Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Football has a play for just about everything. You can go deep, keep it on the ground, or draw up something nobody sees coming. And whether you want to run a flea flicker or the tush push, you need a plan to fit your unique situation. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you, so they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Now that's a solid game plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

• 21:30Sabrina Zohar?

  Here's another myth. If someone makes you anxious, it means they're your match. No, motherfucker, that's a trauma bond. That's not compatibility. Just because somebody makes you anxious, and I think a lot of people, because they see that as like, well, healthy equals boring. And it's like, no, that's just a regulated nervous system. Your nervous system doesn't understand that. Reassurance? A lot of people think reassurance is a fix. No, it soothes the symptoms, but not the cause. Lasting regulation, that comes from within. It's not from the other person. That's why I'm saying that that person can text you all fucking day, every day. It is never just one text. It is never just one text. It's bandwidth, it's back and forth. And not to mention, not everybody wants to connect via text. Not everybody sees the same way of connecting via text. And it's never just one text. And the reason I say that is because it's like a never-ending pit of needs, because this comes within you.

• 22:15Sabrina Zohar?

  It's not about them fucking texting you. Because then the next thing I hear is, I'm in a healthy, insecure relationship and I still feel anxious. Because it doesn't go away just because you're dating somebody. And for a lot, calm equals boring. Ah, it's foreign. It's foreign. You're used to chaos. And a lot of people say, you know, they pulled away because I was too much. No, bitch. They pulled away because closeness activated their shutdown pattern. You are not too much. Your needs might be too much for that person. You as a person are not too much, but maybe your behavior is too much for that person. We have got to stop self-identifying. And it's the same. My avoidant, or their fucking Tamagotchi. Would you want me to be like, well, my anxious, aren't you so much more than that? Aren't you so much more? And if we actually want to heal through this,

• 23:00Sabrina Zohar?

  I need you guys to learn something that's really important. The fucking sacral pause. The sacred pause, when you want to text or spiral, I need you to pause. Again, am I seeking connection or am I trying to soothe panic? Pausing is what allows you to respond versus react. You come back to the present moment. You're back in your brain. You're back in your prefrontal cortex. You are back in the decision making and you're back in the fucking position of control. So start getting to that space of pausing. And that's the thing is like, you feel like you're gonna die. You're not actually gonna die. Who here that's listening has ever died because they didn't get a text? And I know you're gonna be like, well, Sabrina, but we're here listening. Duh, that's the fucking point. You don't die because you don't hear from this person. But your perception of it, because your brain cannot tell the difference between physical pain and not. It doesn't get it.

• 23:44Sabrina Zohar?

  So then we have something called an interoception check-in. Label the body sensations. My stomach's tight, my chest is hot. Right, you can't regulate what you won't name. And name it to tame it is so fucking important. I feel irate right now. I feel like I'm gonna come out of my skin. Okay, let me get curious. Let me get curious. And then maybe we can start putting in space, right? Like 90 minutes before reacting to disconnection, give yourself 90 minutes to process and regulate. Often what you want to say changes once your fucking body calms down. My mama used to say that. She would always say, she's like, put it back, put it in your fucking notepad. And she would say, she was like, I know when you're ready to send it, you will. I have notes in there I've been sitting on for years because I never sent them. And I'm so glad. And I don't know about you, I've had that where people will email me and I'll respond immediately. And then I'll look later and I'm like, oh, fuck, I didn't want to say that.

• 24:29Sabrina Zohar?

  I was just activated in that moment and I just, meh. And then maybe you can contain the story. Can you write down what you think is happening versus what you know is happening? We have to separate the emotion from the evidence. That's why I always say, what facts do I have to back this up? My favorite DBT practice. And then reparent that part. Speak to your inner child. Hey, I know you're scared of being left, but we're safe now. We've survived this before. Get curious. What are you actually scared of happening? Start to understand even the narratives, the things that those parts of you start to say. Of like, I'm scared of being left. Left by whom? Who are you talking to? Do you know who I am? Do you know that I'm here to keep you safe and that you don't have to do that? You're not broken. There's nothing to fix. Again, you're just wired for connection and nobody ever taught you what to do when it's been threatened.

• 25:12Sabrina Zohar?

  And maybe that's the reframe that we needed to add in here is that there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with me. At least I hope not. I mean, there's plenty wrong with me, you know what I mean? All right, let's answer some audience questions. Because y'all know that these are the fun ones. And guys, don't forget to send in your questions. When I do the question box, please feel free to put in whatever questions you want. And usually what I do is I go through and I see how many common ones there are. And then I hit those pain points because I love you guys, but some of you guys ask wildly specific questions that I'm like, nah, I pay for a question and get a response back. It's not going to help because the whole point is to help the community and not just be of like, this is a very specific circumstance I'm going through. So someone asked, how do I stop spiraling when they don't text back? I don't know that you stop the spiral, you more so interrupt it. You gotta go into your body, not your brain. So you have to breathe, you have to move, you have to walk.

• 25:55Sabrina Zohar?

  Then you decide what you actually want to say when you're from a place of regulation and choice. Again, why Masha and I created the nervous system course. It is specifically to hit the main pain points of early dating. And so that's why we have that course. The foundation course is there to give you the tools and the foundation to building a healthy and solid foundation within yourself so that you can go back out there and date. We have the breakup course, it's very obvious of what it is. And then the self-love course. The self-love course brings you back home to yourself. Whether you're dating, single, in a relationship, doesn't matter. It's about how do you learn to love yourself? How do you validate yourself? So you start to spiral. I don't need you to stop the spiral. I need you to learn to interrupt it. Whoa, I'm not seeing things clearly right now. I'm super, I'm fucking spiraling right now. I've done that, I'll go to Ryan and I'm like, I'm in a spiral bitch. Someone asks, why do I feel calm with someone, secure, but then sabotage it? I don't know, because calm feels unfamiliar.

• 26:40Sabrina Zohar?

  And if you've only known intensity, then peace is going to feel unsafe. And it's not that you're bored, you're detoxing that chaos. And what we always look to look at is you're not sabotage would imply that you are doing something intentionally to hurt yourself. You're self-protecting, right? So it's sabotage, well, I, they do this and I go manic. It's like, okay, yeah, you're trying to protect yourself. What are you trying to protect yourself from? This feels really uncommon. This feels really uncomfortable. I've never had somebody that's so consistent and reciprocal. I've never had somebody that's shown up like this. Yeah, that's probably going to cause your nervous system to feel wildly dysregulated. Someone asks, can I ever feel secure if I'm anxious? Of course, and that starts with self-trust. That's why. We created the self-love course. You don't regulate through other people's behavior. You regulate through your fucking response. And here's the reality. Attachment styles are not fixed, which is why I say,

• 27:25Sabrina Zohar?

  stop asking people on first dates what their fucking attachment style is. You can grow, you can change, you can evolve, and you can become earned secure. What the fuck work are you gonna do with it, though? How are you showing up for you? How are you talking to yourself? How are you validating yourself? How are you treating you? Are you treating you like everyone else fucking did when you were a kid? Then yeah, you're gonna stay in your anxiety. What if I keep picking people who trigger my anxious side? Attraction is a pattern, baby. Until you heal the wound, you will be drawn to people who match the pain, not the peace. And the reason being is something called repetition compulsion. Thank you, Freud. Repetition compulsion means you're gonna date the parts of you that are unhealed because of your nervous system in your body think, like, if I date the narcissist like my father, and he doesn't tell me I'm too much, and he tells me I'm amazing, and he, then all of that's gonna go away. See, they were wrong. And what ends up happening?

• 28:10Sabrina Zohar?

  It reaffirms it. It just reaffirms it because that's familiar. You know how to go into the good girl. You know how to self-abandon. You know how to go back into those parts that knew how to keep you safe at that time, right? So it's like really important to get curious about, wait, what's happening? And how familiar does this feel? Which is also the book I'm writing! Y'all, the book is really special. It's gonna come out next year. Well, by the time you listen to this, wherever you are, it'll be out in, hopefully, end of 2026. But the book is all about identifying patterns and understanding. Because a lot of people ask, they're like, is the book on dating and relationships? I'm like, it's about coming home to yourself. In There is about dating and relationships.

• 28:44Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Football has a play for just about everything. You can go deep, keep it on the ground, or draw up something nobody sees coming. And whether you wanna run a flea flicker or the tush push, you need a plan to fit your unique situation. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you, so they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Now that's a solid game plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

• 29:13Sabrina Zohar?

  Someone said, "How do I know if I'm healing?" Well, you expand your window of tolerance. When you can tolerate space without spiraling. When you observe instead of react. When you feel the urge and instead you choose differently. That's how you know you're healing. Think about the you from a year ago. You're gonna tell me you haven't fucking changed? You haven't evolved, you haven't grown? Why do I panic when they don't text back? Because your brain equates silence with a threat. Your attachment system lost object constancy or object permanence as a kid. So out of sight feels like abandonment. And that's why, because look at the story you are creating. That's what I need you guys to get really fucking curious on. How do I stop chasing people who don't choose me? You stop trying to earn their love by proving you're worthy. You choose your peace over their activation. You build a nervous system that sees red flags and walks. You start to get really turned off by that inconsistency in behavior. Welcome to growing.

• 29:57Sabrina Zohar?

  Welcome to acknowledging and accepting that you deserve better. I get so turned off. And the minute I see it, I'm like, "I'm done, bye." I don't have the patience for it. So I think it's really important to get curious about what's actually coming up for you and not just being like, "Oh, well, this is me." Right? You know, it's like, are you fantasizing? Are you afraid of losing these people? Like, that's anxiety. That's anxiety, when you're obsessing over them. And then last, can anxious and avoidant work? Yeah, both people are doing the fucking work. But if you're the only one that's regulating and communicating, then no, it's not gonna fucking work. It's not a relationship. That's a project. You need both people. And no, it doesn't mean that you need to be fixed before you date. Like, there's no such thing. You're gonna hurt in relationships, you'll also heal in relationships. But what's important is that you'll stop confusing the activation for love.

• 30:41Sabrina Zohar?

  And it's easier to walk away from people who aren't safe because you have created that safety within your own body. You're no longer waiting for the external because the internal finally matches what it is that you're looking for other people. Now, anxious attachment doesn't mean you're fucking clingy or broken or too much. It means your body learned to fear disconnection. And now it's time to fucking unlearn that. You are not your spiral. You are not your panic. And no, you are not just the version of you that clings when scared. You're allowed to want the connection, but not at the cost of abandoning your fucking self. And that's the reality. Guys, next week, we're gonna break down disorganized attachment, and I'm excited about it. That internal push-pull and why some people fear closeness and distance at the same time. And no, that doesn't just mean because with one person, you're anxious and the other person's avoided. That's not what that means. Guys, please don't

• 31:25Sabrina Zohar?

  forget, follow the show, tag a friend who needs to see this, read it, whatever. And if you're ready to build a nervous system safety and real self-trust, you know the link will all be in the show notes, the link to the nervous system 101 course, the foundation course. Again, if you guys want to work with me, I am taking clients again for the time being. I am so excited. Guys, please, again, don't forget to rate, review the show and auto downloads. If you haven't listened to three episodes in a row, auto downloads turn off, and it's fucking us so hard. So please, please, leave a comment, like I said, even an emoji. I don't care. We need to let the algorithm know that people are learning and loving the show and growing. And I am so fucking grateful for every single person that did. Thank you. Thank you for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. And for anybody who doesn't, and anybody that trolls, and anybody that's gonna

• 32:08Sabrina Zohar?

  talk shit, you're the fuck out of here. Because we are a community of safety. We are a community of people that fucking come together. Because guess what? Growing up all my fucking life, wanna know why I have anxious attachment? Because I had people bully me. I had people putting me down. I had people trying to change who I was because of their discomfort. And now I say, fuck that. Now I say, we stand up for us. We stand up for this community. And we stand up to the fucking bullies that are gonna tell us how the fuck to be. And guess what? Those are the people in the dating world. So don't you fucking forget it. I love you, my babies. I am here for you always. And I am so fucking grateful for you. Until next week.

• 32:47Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Football has a play for just about everything. You can go deep, keep it on the ground, or draw up something nobody sees coming. And whether you want to run a flea flicker or the tush push, you need a plan to fit your unique situation. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you, so they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Now that's a solid game plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

• 33:15Speaker 03

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