Ep 264: The Rizzler, Dave Attell, Greg Fitzsimmons, Shaun Murphy - Happy New Year

No guest this week… just kidding. It’s the New Year’s chaos episode. Mark and Sam are joined by Greg Fitzsimmons, Dave Attell, Shaun Murphy, and a surprise appearance from the Rizzler. They cover comedy road stories, sobriety scares, porn rabbit holes, crowd work fatigue, New Year’s peeves, airline annoyances, mocktails, stand-up burnout, and why kids don’t drink anymore. Plus, an all-time wild prank story, tour talk, and a very unhinged holiday hang. Sponsored by: HIMS Get simple, discreet access to personalized care for ED, hair loss, weight loss, and more. https://www.hims.com/drunk Soul 30% off wellness gummies and alcohol-free drinks that help you relax and unwind. Use code WMBD https://getsoul.com Shopify Start selling today with Shopify. $1 per month trial. https://www.shopify.com/drunk Raycon 20% off Raycon Essential Open Earbuds. https://buyraycon.com/mightbedrunkopen The Perfect Jean15% off your first order with code DRUNK15. https://theperfectjean.nyc Mint Mobile Unlimited plans starting at $15/month. https://www.mintmobile.com/wmbd Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets ⸻ Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #GregFitzsimmons #DaveAttell #Rizzler #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #NewYearsEpisode #BodegaCatWhiskey00:00 Opening Banter & Guest Introduction 02:30 Funny Takes on Body Types & Seinfeld 05:50 Comedy Styles & Moving on Stage 10:00 Night Owl Comedians & Attel Stories 15:00 Comedy Road Stories & Alaska Prank 22:00 Skankfest & Comedy Scene Rumors 26:00 Unexpected Drop-In: The Rizzler Joins 29:00 Interviewing The Rizzler: Viral Kid Life 34:00 Marvel Legends, Candy & Lap Photo Hijinks 38:00 Rizzler Departs & Backstage Reactions 43:00 Oscars Moving to YouTube & Ellen Gossip 48:00 Comedy Specials & Platforms Discussed 53:00 Opening Acts & Crowd Work Ethics 58:00 Comedian Peeves & Road Life Gripes 01:04:00 Tour Dates & Club Stories 01:10:00 Mocktails, Merch & Closing Peeves 01:16:00 Favorite Comedy Cities & Prolific Comics 01:21:00 Final Plugs, Announcements & Credits Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:07Sam Morril?

  We're here.

• 0:07Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 0:08Sam Morril?

  Happy New Year. We got Greg Fitzsimmons here.

• 0:11Mark Normand?

  The King Fitzdog.

• 0:12Sam Morril?

  I don't remember what you were just saying. I tell him I vote-

• 0:14Speaker 02

  Is this gay to sit like this?

• 0:16Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 0:16Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it is gay.

• 0:17Mark Normand?

  What are you doing? What are you, Gavin Newsom?

• 0:20Speaker 02

  I think if you have thick legs, it's not too bad. But when you have skinny legs and one like really wraps around the other one.

• 0:25Mark Normand?

  What is with the Irish? They can't develop leg muscle.

• 0:28Speaker 02

  Or asses.

• 0:29Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 0:29Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you guys have no asses. What is that?

• 0:31Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's like Asian women.

• 0:34Sam Morril?

  Yeah?

• 0:35Speaker 02

  It's like you're looking at Asian women and the perfect lips and the smooth skin-

• 0:38Sam Morril?

  I fuck both and it's disappointing every which way, yeah.

• 0:41Speaker 02

  Really?

• 0:41Sam Morril?

  Oh yeah, Irish men, terrible.

• 0:43Mark Normand?

  Irish men and Asian women, same dick. No, but you're hung.

• 0:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 0:49Speaker 02

  I'm hung, we've established that.

• 0:50Sam Morril?

  And on the last episode, Mark made Scott Rogowski talk about his dick.

• 0:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 0:55Sam Morril?

  We were like, what is, what are we doing here?

• 0:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well, I thought he had a micro, but he didn't, so I learned.

• 1:00Speaker 02

  Maybe instead of headshots, you should have dick pics.

• 1:03Mark Normand?

  Milton Berle's the whole wall.

• 1:07Mark Normand?

  Uncle Milty.

• 1:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, how are you hung?

• 1:10Mark Normand?

  I'm in the middle. I'm like a stock Camry.

• 1:12Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 1:13Mark Normand?

  You know, nothing flashy, but not too disappointing.

• 1:16Speaker 02

  Good shape?

• 1:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah, solid shape, curves to the left.

• 1:19Sam Morril?

  As you get older, you have like good and bad dick days.

• 1:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah!

• 1:22Sam Morril?

  When you're young, it's always kind of more, and then you get older, you're like, "Today's a good day, I hope someone sees it."

• 1:27Mark Normand?

  Ah, yes.

• 1:28Sam Morril?

  If they don't ask, I'll show it to someone.

• 1:29Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:30Sam Morril?

  Go outside the schoolyard, I'll show them who's boss.

• 1:35Sam Morril?

  But, uh, no, it's good and bad days, it's interesting.

• 1:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:39Sam Morril?

  It's like a good hair day, you know?

• 1:40Mark Normand?

  Yeah, good point.

• 1:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, the worst is that whenever you do see people naked, you're skinny dipping, which is the least ideal-

• 1:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah, good point.

• 1:49Speaker 02

  Situation, like when we were teenagers, there was a town pool. I grew up in Tarrytown. And we had a town pool and we used to drink all night. You know, we were like fifteen years old.

• 1:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:59Speaker 02

  And then we would break into the pool, we jumped the fence.

• 2:02Sam Morril?

  Man.

• 2:02Speaker 02

  And then everybody would get naked. It was crazy, like all the, all the kids in town.

• 2:06Sam Morril?

  You had an idyllic childhood. You ice skated.

• 2:09Speaker 02

  We ice skated.

• 2:09Sam Morril?

  You drank, you did a mescaline, you swam in the water. And women, you're, you're not being compromised in that situation, but guys, it really, I mean, you think of the iconic Seinfeld episode.

• 2:19Speaker 02

  Right.

• 2:19Sam Morril?

  I was in the pool. Oh, yeah. I sure went to a date recently. She's from England and she's like, she's like, I didn't know what Seinfeld is. I was like, oh, you've never seen this? So we, I threw on the little dick episode. Yes. And she was like, this is great.

• 2:30Speaker 02

  You threw on the little dick that night? Oh, episode.

• 2:33Sam Morril?

  I threw that after the little dick episode. I was like, now that I have a disclaimer here, no. But, uh, that's a great fucking episode. Great, eh?

• 2:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, it is. I was in the pool. Yeah, yeah.

• 2:44Sam Morril?

  And then him trying to see her naked. Yes. The ju- the justice of it. She's got a great body, buddy.

• 2:51Speaker 02

  There was also like a shift that, that happened with Seinfeld where they went from being these broke, New York, like getting around on the subway. So suddenly they're in the Hamptons.

• 3:04Sam Morril?

  Mmm.

• 3:05Speaker 02

  You remember that? They got a lot of shit because they started, they started to not be about, you know, they started to be about like making money. And everyone's like, oh, they're rich now. Now they're doing episodes from the Hamptons.

• 3:14Sam Morril?

  Well, that was a whole, the Cadillac episode. Alan's like, I didn't know you make money like that. Oh, yeah.

• 3:18Speaker 03

  I also started dating tens for some reason. They were dating fives early on and then later on, they're all dating like the hottest women in New York.

• 3:25Speaker 02

  Right.

• 3:25Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:26Speaker 02

  And in real life.

• 3:28Sam Morril?

  Every actress on Seinfeld was a smoke show. George was pulling great ass.

• 3:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:33Sam Morril?

  George is doing well.

• 3:34Speaker 02

  Wasn't Courtney Cox a girlfriend of somebody on that? Or was that Friends?

• 3:37Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 3:38Speaker 02

  Was it?

• 3:38Sam Morril?

  She was on Seinfeld. I mean, those are young, young, supple camps.

• 3:43Speaker 02

  There's no surprises when you lower that dress.

• 3:46Sam Morril?

  No, god, no. No dick there.

• 3:50Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 3:52Mark Normand?

  We had him on last week.

• 3:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know. He was sitting right here in this seat.

• 3:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah, baby.

• 3:58Speaker 02

  Telling you how to do comedy.

• 3:59Mark Normand?

  You got that right. You gotta move more.

• 4:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, you gotta move around the stage more.

• 4:04Mark Normand?

  You don't move.

• 4:04Speaker 02

  I don't move.

• 4:05Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 4:06Speaker 02

  No, moving is a, that's, that's flailing to me. That's desperate. You plant your feet and you tell your jokes.

• 4:12Sam Morril?

  It depends on the act. Like, you know, it's weird to watch like Rock not move.

• 4:16Speaker 02

  Right.

• 4:17Sam Morril?

  Certain guys, like I get, like Jerry moves, you move. It's like, to each their own. Barghansi's not moving, is he?

• 4:23Mark Normand?

  Dave Attell moves only to slam the mic down and go, "Is this working? Hello?"

• 4:27Speaker 02

  Midgets. No, Dave's funny because like, you can always find out what the next thing in technology is by what he's ragging on.

• 4:36Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 4:36Speaker 02

  Like now, it's like TikTok. But before that, it was

• 4:40Mark Normand?

  Ripto.

• 4:41Speaker 02

  Podcasts.

• 4:43Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 4:44Speaker 02

  Pagers.

• 4:47Mark Normand?

  I'd love to see caveman Dave Attell. Fire. We get it.

• 4:51Speaker 02

  Upright walking.

• 4:56Sam Morril?

  I'm excited to see him.

• 4:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know.

• 4:58Sam Morril?

  He's tough to wrangle, man. That took like 14 confirmation texts.

• 5:02Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 5:02Sam Morril?

  He's like, "Confirm me tomorrow morning." I'm like, "Okay." Then I'm like, "Dave?" And he doesn't answer. I'm literally getting texts from Brennan at the strip house, the waiter going, "Attell's here." And I'm like, "Fuck." I'm like, "Come on, Dave, answer."

• 5:14Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 5:14Sam Morril?

  I'm like, "Attell's out?"

• 5:15Mark Normand?

  He's at Strip House?

• 5:16Sam Morril?

  Attell's like a cat. You're like, "How did he get out?"

• 5:20Mark Normand?

  You need a net with a stick on it to get him?

• 5:22Sam Morril?

  But, uh, no, it took, it took a lot of confirmations, but I think we wrangled him.

• 5:26Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah. We hadn't been on in years.

• 5:28Speaker 02

  My question is, like, uh, when does he sleep?

• 5:32Mark Normand?

  I think like

• 5:33Speaker 02

  What are his hours?

• 5:34Mark Normand?

  7:00 AM to 4:00.

• 5:35Sam Morril?

  I don't think he sleeps that late.

• 5:37Speaker 02

  No, I think it's like 7:00 AM to like 11:00.

• 5:40Sam Morril?

  But dude, the amount of times, I'm sure you've done this with him too, leaving a diner with him and he orders a large iced coffee. And I'm like, "God damn it, dude, it's 4:00 AM. Why are you drinking a large black iced coffee?"

• 5:51Speaker 02

  I know.

• 5:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 5:53Sam Morril?

  And the bodega guy just knowing Dave as he gets his, uh, American Spirits.

• 5:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 5:58Speaker 02

  But it's also, um, I like living in LA because a lot of times he'll call me after his shows. And if you're on the East Coast, it's like, "All right, you know, it's 2:00 AM. I'm not that guy anymore." But if I'm in LA, it's 11 o'clock, I'm driving home from the store, then I can talk.

• 6:14Mark Normand?

  Oh, right, right. And he's at a new porn opening. You know, he's always at a porn store.

• 6:19Sam Morril?

  Not anymore.

• 6:20Speaker 02

  Well.

• 6:21Sam Morril?

  Those are the old days.

• 6:21Mark Normand?

  I guess there's the internet now.

• 6:23Speaker 02

  I can remember walking into porn stores in Times Square and they'd be like, "Dave!"

• 6:27Mark Normand?

  He's like Norm, cheers.

• 6:28Speaker 02

  And they'd have a bag with like, stuff he'd ordered that hadn't come in yet.

• 6:33Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 6:35Speaker 02

  I don't know what his genre is.

• 6:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah. I think he's all over the road. We'll ask him.

• 6:40Speaker 02

  What's your genre?

• 6:41Sam Morril?

  He had a porn show. Mine is probably MILF.

• 6:43Speaker 02

  MILF?

• 6:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah, MILF's up there.

• 6:45Sam Morril?

  Yeah, wow, what do you think I was gonna say?

• 6:47Speaker 02

  I, I just don't know what, that feels like what-

• 6:50Sam Morril?

  Too broad?

• 6:50Speaker 02

  It feels like if all of them were closed, that's what you would go to.

• 6:54Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 6:55Mark Normand?

  What?

• 6:56Sam Morril?

  What's your go-to?

• 6:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah, MILF's up there, uh...

• 7:01Sam Morril?

  Big cans.

• 7:01Mark Normand?

  Latina, I like, I like a Latina.

• 7:03Speaker 02

  I like, uh, Czechoslovakian hidden camera massage porn.

• 7:07Mark Normand?

  Damn!

• 7:08Sam Morril?

  Damn!

• 7:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, with a little parentheses, naturals.

• 7:12Sam Morril?

  I like it.

• 7:13Mark Normand?

  Pull it up. I don't know this Czechoslovakian-

• 7:17Speaker 02

  There's a ton of them.

• 7:18Mark Normand?

  Massage, they start with a massage?

• 7:20Speaker 02

  They start with a massage and they are, the women are like, tens, cuz they're these Eastern European women.

• 7:25Sam Morril?

  That's the one Hitler went to first, right?

• 7:26Speaker 02

  That's right. He was, he used to do hidden camera, uh, massages.

• 7:31Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 7:31Sam Morril?

  Uh, Matty, this is Matty bartending, by the way, amazing out, oh, is that a Kiss shirt? I love it.

• 7:37Speaker 04

  I'm a New Year's Eve Kiss.

• 7:38Mark Normand?

  Oh!

• 7:38Sam Morril?

  By the way, RIP Ace Frehley, right?

• 7:41Mark Normand?

  He died?

• 7:42Sam Morril?

  He died.

• 7:43Mark Normand?

  Damn, in the New York groove.

• 7:45Sam Morril?

  Uh, can, can we do a cocktail, Mark, what are you thinking?

• 7:47Speaker 04

  What are we feeling?

• 7:48Mark Normand?

  Good question, it's New Year's.

• 7:50Sam Morril?

  And we can make you a mocktail.

• 7:51Speaker 02

  No, it's gotta be-

• 7:51Speaker 04

  I make a mean mocktail.

• 7:53Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  Put in Czech hidden camera massage.

• 7:56Mark Normand?

  Ah, this is distracting.

• 7:57Sam Morril?

  Did you know that Pornhub is now, there was an article saying it's, it can monitor your stuff and they can blackmail you.

• 8:03Mark Normand?

  Come on!

• 8:03Speaker 02

  Who does?

• 8:04Mark Normand?

  I've seen enough blackmails.

• 8:07Speaker 04

  I like London whore.

• 8:08Speaker 02

  What if you got blackmailed with a blackmail?

• 8:12Speaker 02

  Is that how that expression-

• 8:13Sam Morril?

  A bit on the nose. Yeah, I mean shit.

• 8:16Speaker 03

  Greg, I got a warning here. It says, "Your search could be illegal and abusive sexual material, including non-consensual intimate imagery."

• 8:23Speaker 02

  They consented to the massage, they just didn't consent to the-

• 8:28Sam Morril?

  Hidden camera?

• 8:28Speaker 02

  Well, to the blowjob they end up giving the guy. I mean-

• 8:34Mark Normand?

  There it is.

• 8:35Speaker 02

  No, that's not it.

• 8:37Mark Normand?

  Alright, what are we doing here?

• 8:38Speaker 02

  What are we doing?

• 8:39Mark Normand?

  This is creepy. We just started.

• 8:41Sam Morril?

  Is there a drink you have in mind? What are you thinking?

• 8:43Speaker 04

  Uh, I wanted to make you guys an Old Fashioned.

• 8:46Sam Morril?

  I'll do it.

• 8:46Mark Normand?

  Oh, please. I love it. It's a classic.

• 8:49Sam Morril?

  Can you make Greg a mocktail? Greg doesn't drink anymore.

• 8:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, I could totally make a mocktail.

• 8:52Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 8:53Speaker 04

  Ginger okay?

• 8:55Speaker 02

  Ginger sounds nice.

• 8:56Speaker 04

  Have you guys heard of Lemon Whore? That's my favorite porn.

• 8:59Mark Normand?

  Lemon Whore.

• 9:00Sam Morril?

  What's Lemon Whore?

• 9:02Mark Normand?

  Pull it up.

• 9:03Speaker 04

  Basically...

• 9:03Sam Morril?

  Is this like Lemon Party?

• 9:04Speaker 04

  No, it's, there's like a story, you know, I like a story to my porn.

• 9:08Mark Normand?

  Girl porn.

• 9:09Speaker 04

  And it's this couple hanging out on a couch, and then all of a, they're like looking at their tree, lemon trees, and they're like, "Wow, look at our beautiful lemon trees. I love our lemon trees. I want you to fuck me underneath our lemon trees." And then a woman scales the fence and starts stealing lemons.

• 9:26Mark Normand?

  Huh.

• 9:27Speaker 04

  And the woman's like, "That Lemon Whore, you need to have sex with her to punish her for stealing our lemons."

• 9:33Mark Normand?

  Anyone else find it? I, I don't know.

• 9:35Sam Morril?

  Scales a fence, it sounds like Mexican porn right there.

• 9:40Sam Morril?

  Is this a real thing, Lemon Whore?

• 9:41Speaker 02

  She's selling the lemons at a median in LA afterwards.

• 9:45Sam Morril?

  On the highway?

• 9:47Mark Normand?

  Lemon stealing whore.

• 9:49Speaker 04

  Lemon stealing whore.

• 9:50Mark Normand?

  Whoa, okay, I'll watch that later.

• 9:52Speaker 04

  Can't find Lemon Whore? It's pretty niche.

• 9:54Mark Normand?

  Okay, this is all new to me.

• 9:56Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 9:57Mark Normand?

  I'm learning a lot.

• 9:57Speaker 02

  I almost lost my sobriety last week. I went, this is a true, it sounds like a made up story, but this actually happened. I go, uh, to this Italian restaurant and I order, I say, "Can I get an Americano with rum?" And so the guy, is that a weird order, by the way?

• 10:12Sam Morril?

  It's a coffee, but, but it's also a cocktail, right?

• 10:14Speaker 02

  Americano with rum.

• 10:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah, but nobody gets milk in an Americano.

• 10:18Speaker 02

  That's what I've been told later, that you, you're not supposed to.

• 10:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 10:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 10:22Mark Normand?

  It's got a lot of water in it.

• 10:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I order that, and then the, uh, the guy, he's Italian.

• 10:27Sam Morril?

  But he gave you vermouth and campari.

• 10:28Speaker 02

  No, no, no, he comes back and he goes, "We now have a rum." I said, "No, rum."

• 10:32Mark Normand?

  Uh, so you got rum in it?

• 10:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 10:35Mark Normand?

  And you took a swig?

• 10:36Speaker 02

  I took a little swig.

• 10:37Mark Normand?

  Oh shit, you broke it!

• 10:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:39Sam Morril?

  Ah, nothing you're broken, you may as well have a drink.

• 10:42Speaker 02

  When I'm 65, I'm gonna do it.

• 10:45Mark Normand?

  Can you tell your story about that gig you did with a guy in the truck with the drugs?

• 10:51Speaker 02

  Guy in the truck with the drugs?

• 10:53Mark Normand?

  Oh, you know, a guy's like, "We gotta hang out. I got ATVs."

• 10:58Speaker 02

  Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 11:00Mark Normand?

  This is the best road story ever.

• 11:01Speaker 02

  Okay, so I was in Alaska.

• 11:04Mark Normand?

  Alaska!

• 11:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, last month I was in Alaska.

• 11:06Sam Morril?

  What part?

• 11:07Speaker 02

  Fairbanks.

• 11:08Sam Morril?

  I don't even know it.

• 11:09Speaker 02

  Fairbanks? I think it's the capital, isn't it?

• 11:11Sam Morril?

  No.

• 11:12Speaker 02

  Juneau. Juneau.

• 11:14Mark Normand?

  What'd you call him?

• 11:14Speaker 02

  The Juneau.

• 11:20Speaker 02

  So I fly up there and I go to the guy, you know, I wanna do something fun during the day. And he calls me back and he goes, "I got this guy, he's got an outdoor company, you know, an adventure company. They've got ATVs and snowmobiles. He's a fan of yours. He wants to take you out for an adventure."

• 11:37Mark Normand?

  This is what I like about you. Most people go, "What are you, a creep?" Most comics go, "This is insane. I'm not doing it." But you're up for it.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  But I was definitely inside, because, you know, I grew up in New York. I've been in LA 25 years. I know nothing about the outdoors.

• 11:48Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 11:49Speaker 02

  And so...

• 11:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah, we're worthless outdoors people.

• 11:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:52Sam Morril?

  You're okay, but you're not great.

• 11:54Mark Normand?

  I'm okay. I don't love it. I'd rather hang out at a bar.

• 11:56Sam Morril?

  No, we're like city people. We're not...

• 11:58Speaker 02

  Well, the indoors feels like a victory, like we won.

• 12:00Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 12:01Speaker 02

  We're inside. Temperature's always the same.

• 12:03Sam Morril?

  I like outdoors, but for me, it's like taking walks, like grabbing a coffee and just walking around. That's my outdoors.

• 12:09Mark Normand?

  Controlled.

• 12:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 12:11Speaker 02

  So the guy shows up and he's got a big truck with a trailer on the back with a muddy dune buggy. And I suddenly think like, "All right, I fucked up, you know? I'm gonna be in pain. I'm gonna be cold, probably wet." So I get in and I start talking to the guy, and he's like the nicest guy. He's about to retire. He's totally mellow. And he's like, "I'm gonna take you on an adventure." So we drive about 10 minutes and we get pulled over by the cops. And the guy goes, "This is bad." And I'm like, what do you mean? I go, you didn't do anything, it's fine. He goes, no, this is bad. I'm like, woo, who are you? And so, so the cop-

• 12:50Sam Morril?

  Fucking naked teenagers in the fucking trailer?

• 12:52Speaker 02

  You wish, it was just that. So the cop walks up and the guy hands me a baggie with white powder in it and he goes, hide this.

• 13:01Sam Morril?

  No!

• 13:02Speaker 02

  And he spills some of it on my pants. So I stick it under the seat, the cop walks up, he goes, license and registration. So the guy says to me, open the glove box and get the... So I, I open up the glove box and a baggie of pills and a hundred dollar bills pops out. Oh my god. And I, so I shove it back in with the back of my hand, I put some paper over it. And the cop goes, what are you hiding? Oh! And I go, I go, nothing. He goes, you're hiding something. And I don't even know why I did it. It was just like this, this reflex reaction from being a teenager, you know? Yeah, totally, yeah. So, so I hand the cop the drugs and then he goes, ah, speaking of drugs. Hey, Dave, you're right in the middle of this punchline here.

• 13:41Sam Morril?

  Sit there, sit there, dude.

• 13:44Speaker 02

  So, so the guy goes, uh- Hey, Dave. So I hand the cop the drugs and then the, uh, and then he goes, uh, put, both of you put your hands on the dashboard. Oh my god. So I got my hands on the dashboard and he walks back to his car to run the guy's license. He comes back and he goes, you realize you have two outstanding felony warrants?

• 14:01Sam Morril?

  Oh shit.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  And the guy goes, yeah. I'm like, yeah? Wow. And so he goes, are there any guns in the car? And I'm thinking, of course! There's gotta be. And so he goes, no, I don't have any guns. And so he, uh, he takes the guy out and he handcuffs him. Oh boy. I got a show in four hours. Oh. And he walks him back and I'm just sitting there and I take my hands off the dashboard-

• 14:21Sam Morril?

  Are there any guns in the car? No. Blows the cop's head off.

• 14:25Speaker 02

  And then kills himself. Yeah. And now I'm just sitting in a truck. And so he comes back and he goes, uh, he goes, where did you get the drugs? I said, the glove compartment. He goes- No, he said they're yours. Oh shit. So I go, no, they're not mine. I go, dude, I'm a comedian. I said, I've known this guy like 20 minutes. I just got picked out. I got a show tonight. He goes, well, I don't believe you because you said you're from California, which is a drug feeder state. Wow. And you said you're a comedian and you're not funny. Oh shit. And I'm like, when was I supposed to be funny?

• 14:58Speaker 05

  Now I'm listening.

• 15:01Speaker 02

  So the cop takes me out of the car. He walks me back to the other car. And he opens up the back door. The guy gets out. And they both look at me and they start laughing and they go, we're coming to your comedy show tonight. Oh. His best friend was a cop in town. They set the whole thing up. That is fucking insane. I felt, I was on all fours, tears rolling down my face. I was, it was like relief and laughter at the same time. What the fuck?

• 15:28Mark Normand?

  What a prank. What a prank.

• 15:30Speaker 02

  That is insane. Yeah.

• 15:32Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 15:33Speaker 02

  Then they took me to this ice bar. It was made out of ice. And they drank seven appetites each.

• 15:40Mark Normand?

  No Mexicans there.

• 15:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, so.

• 15:45Mark Normand?

  Damn, ice bar.

• 15:47Speaker 02

  Damn. Ice bar.

• 15:48Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 15:50Speaker 05

  Which, which just for last was this?

• 15:58Mark Normand?

  Thanks for getting up, Dave.

• 15:59Speaker 05

  Thanks for having me.

• 16:00Mark Normand?

  Pumped you here, dude.

• 16:01Speaker 02

  Happy holidays, guys.

• 16:02Speaker 05

  They moved the smallest Christmas tree.

• 16:05Speaker 05

  Somewhere in a children's hospital, there's a little empty space.

• 16:08Mark Normand?

  That's the Brad Williams right there.

• 16:13Speaker 05

  Well, it's good to see my buddy Greg. I think the last time we were all together was, uh...

• 16:17Speaker 02

  Skank Fest.

• 16:18Speaker 05

  Skank Fest.

• 16:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, what a treat. What a treat. Sorry, I was in the, I was fucking hammered when we were talking.

• 16:23Speaker 05

  Oh, you were great.

• 16:24Mark Normand?

  Thanks. Joe List pulled me aside. He's like, I'm trying to get a real interview. He won't stop zinging. And I was like, ah, I'm in a blackout.

• 16:30Speaker 05

  You're definitely gonna make Joe's, uh, what was that, a documentary or a love letter?

• 16:36Mark Normand?

  He's calling it a love letter.

• 16:37Speaker 05

  Just talking, I think. Just talking.

• 16:39Speaker 02

  The best was they had a, they had a beauty, the beauty pageant, the Skankfest beauty pageant. Miss Skankfest, which, which is great because they gave the winner.

• 16:47Speaker 05

  I was so close.

• 16:48Speaker 02

  They, for the winner, they, they paid for her rehab and they found her parents for her.

• 16:56Mark Normand?

  Woo, they got paid for that abortion.

• 17:00Speaker 05

  So, so what, oh, I knew it. This is how they got that kid at Conan's. You guys are wearing a black tie, right? Is that what this is right now?

• 17:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's New Year's.

• 17:10Speaker 05

  Oh, okay. Oh, there you go.

• 17:11Mark Normand?

  Oh, you're talking about Rob Reiner's kid?

• 17:13Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 17:15Speaker 05

  I thought that was, I thought that was, I thought they were punking him. Show up in a tracksuit, look crazy, and ask them if they're famous.

• 17:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he fought with Bill Hader at Conan O'Brien's party.

• 17:25Sam Morril?

  You know Bill Hader's like, why am I in these fucking pictures?

• 17:27Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 17:28Sam Morril?

  It's a tragedy.

• 17:29Mark Normand?

  It is. Rob Reiner was a legend.

• 17:31Sam Morril?

  Fucking legend, dude.

• 17:31Mark Normand?

  Sad. They got the wife too, which, that sucks.

• 17:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:36Speaker 05

  Sorry, I brought it down.

• 17:38Speaker 05

  You got any more stories?

• 17:40Mark Normand?

  You hear about Bondi?

• 17:41Speaker 05

  Bring it back up.

• 17:43Sam Morril?

  Oh, fuck.

• 17:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:44Speaker 05

  Well, guys, what year it's been. Let's take a look back.

• 17:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah, we had a Blue Origin. That was big with the ladies in space. We had a...

• 17:54Speaker 05

  These are all like your bits.

• 17:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah, we had Elon Heiling.

• 17:57Sam Morril?

  I think, I think Blue Origin was like two years ago.

• 17:59Mark Normand?

  Oh, sorry.

• 18:00Sam Morril?

  I think that's an old reference, right?

• 18:01Speaker 05

  All right.

• 18:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, well, I gotta stop doing a bit about it then.

• 18:05Mark Normand?

  What else happened?

• 18:05Sam Morril?

  Yeah, what's the big story? Yeah, Sig, the Sig Heil was January, I think.

• 18:09Mark Normand?

  Okay, okay.

• 18:09Sam Morril?

  I remember because I was like, let's give him a shot. And then I was like, that was a fucking Nazi salute right there.

• 18:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that was bad.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  We got an American Pope this year.

• 18:16Speaker 05

  Yeah?

• 18:17Mark Normand?

  Who?

• 18:17Speaker 02

  Villanova baby. That was exciting because, you know, I don't want an American Pope. I think I'd rather have an Italian one because like, because like they actually believe in God. Like Americans, like you believe in God? They're like, yeah. But the Italians are like, they drink this sacrificial wine. Like they, they literally believe it's Jesus's blood.

• 18:35Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 18:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 18:36Mark Normand?

  They're like, oh.

• 18:39Sam Morril?

  What's that movie with all, where they're deciding on the new Pope? What's it called again?

• 18:43Speaker 05

  Conclave.

• 18:43Sam Morril?

  Conclave. Oh, my God.

• 18:45Speaker 05

  That was awesome, dude.

• 18:46Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that was fun. Fun until the end. I was like, I don't know.

• 18:49Mark Normand?

  Wasn't he trans or something?

• 18:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 18:50Speaker 02

  Oh, giving it away.

• 18:52Mark Normand?

  Sorry, I don't want to get Dave a boner. Too late. Sorry. Unfortunately, DeRosa's coming. What is this picture here that we're looking at? By the way, DeRosa stayed in the hotel room next to me during Skank Fest. Yeah? Boy, was that loud. Really? It was just him crying.

• 19:11Mark Normand?

  What happened to me?

• 19:14Mark Normand?

  He's adopted, so he's upset. But yeah, a lot of knocking boots on that guy. Really? Very impressive. Wow. I saw a few of the ladies, though. Yeah. Yeah, they look like Zach Amico, but still. And they're hung like him.

• 19:27Mark Normand?

  Hello, everyone. Welcome to the show. We have a special guest. Long time in the making. Oh, no. Charlie Sheen? Come on in, sir.

• 19:35Mark Normand?

  No way. This is big. You son of a b... Himz. Sexual health, baby. A lot more guys deal with ED than people realize, and it's way more common than anyone talks about. The stress and pressure around it can make things worse, especially when you don't know where to start or don't want an awkward doctor visit. That's where Himz comes in. Himz makes getting access to ED treatment simple, discreet, and fully online. You can access personalized description... Oh, sorry, prescription treatment options for ED like Hard Mints and Sex, RX Plus, Climax Control, if prescribed, all without sitting in a waiting room. Himz offers treatment options ranging from trusted generics

• 20:20Mark Normand?

  that cost up to 95% less than brand-name alternatives to newer formats designed to fit your lifestyle. Real medical providers review your information and make your treatment plan as tailored for you. This is a one-size-fits-all care. It's health care that actually puts your goals first. I love Himz. Hair plugs, dick plugs, butt plugs, they got it all. Get simple online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, hair loss, weight loss, and more. Visit himz.com/drunk. That's himz.com/drunk for your free online visit. himz.com/drunk. Actual price will depend on product and subscription plan. Featured products include

• 21:01Mark Normand?

  compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Thank you. Himz. Hey, during the holidays, it feels like there's a party every weekend. Drinks add up, sleep gets weird, workouts disappear, and suddenly you feel way more rundown than relaxed. That's why Soul has become a go-to. Soul is a wellness brand that believes feeling good should actually be fun and easy. Their products are designed to help you unwind, boost your mood, and relax without downsides that come with alcohol. Their best-selling out-of-office gummies gives you a mild relaxing buzz that helps you slow down and enjoy the moment. They come in five different strengths.

• 21:44Mark Normand?

  So whether you want a light micro-dose or something more elevated, you can dial it in to match your vibe. They even have an out-of-office beverage if you want an alcohol-free option that still feels special. All of Soul's products are made from organically farmed, USA-grown hemp that are vegan, gluten-free, low in sugar, and federally legal. It's an easy swap that actually feels good to the next, even the next day. We love Soul. I'm a fan. I take it to go to sleep. I take it when I need to unwind. It takes the edge off. I'm a big fan. Bring it on the holiday cheer and treat yourself or someone you love to Soul this season. Right now, Soul is offering my audience 30% off our entire order. Your entire order. Go to soul, get soul.com.

• 22:29Mark Normand?

  That's get soul.com, one word, and use the code WMBD. That's get soul.com, promo code WMBD for 30% off. Shopify, we might be drunk. The New Year's always comes with that feeling that this is the final year, you do the thing you've been thinking about forever. Everyone has a business idea, a product they should sell, a store they've already designed in their head. The hard part isn't the idea, it's taking the real first step and actually launching. That's why Shopify exists. Shopify gives you everything you need to sell online and in person, whether you're starting from scratch or turning a side hustle into something real. Millions of entrepreneurs have already done it. From first-time sellers to massive brands,

• 23:11Mark Normand?

  you can choose from hundreds of places, hundreds of beautiful templates, customize them to fit your brand, and use Shopify's built-in AI tools to write product descriptions, headlines, and even help edit photos. Marketing tools are built in too, so you can reach customers wherever they're scrolling. And as your business grows, Shopify will grow with you. All from one simple dashboard. We love Shopify. We got Bodega Cat, we got shirts, we got glasses. You gotta get on there. They make it easy. In 2026, stop waiting and start selling with Shopify. Cha-ching. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com/Drunk. Go to Shopify.com/Drunk. At Shopify.com/Drunk.

• 23:54Mark Normand?

  Hear your first cha-ching this new year with Shopify by your side.

• 24:00Sam Morril?

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• 24:42Sam Morril?

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• 25:26Sam Morril?

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• 26:09Sam Morril?

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• 26:49Sam Morril?

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• 27:32Sam Morril?

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• 27:45Sam Morril?

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• 28:00Mark Normand?

  Come on!

• 28:01Speaker 05

  What's up, buddy? How are you?

• 28:03Sam Morril?

  The Wizler!

• 28:04Mark Normand?

  What's up, man? Sit down. Wait, I'm not allowed to be near children. What's up, man? How are you?

• 28:10Sam Morril?

  This is big, dude.

• 28:12Mark Normand?

  Happy New Year.

• 28:13Speaker 05

  I'm here. I was just about to light a cigarette.

• 28:15Mark Normand?

  Light it up. He's on two packs a day.

• 28:18Speaker 05

  What's up champ, how you doing?

• 28:19Sam Morril?

  Rizzler, how you doing? Big Knicks fan too, I love it.

• 28:21Mark Normand?

  You get this guy a mic?

• 28:22Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 28:23Mark Normand?

  Oh, he's got one, okay.

• 28:24Sam Morril?

  Where you been, Rizzler?

• 28:26Speaker 06

  Uh, in school.

• 28:28Mark Normand?

  In school?

• 28:28Sam Morril?

  Yeah. Nice.

• 28:29Mark Normand?

  Good for you.

• 28:30Speaker 05

  How many tickets? Sorry. We've comics, that's why we talk about seats.

• 28:35Mark Normand?

  What school you going to?

• 28:36Speaker 02

  Oh, he's got a mic.

• 28:37Mark Normand?

  He's going. Well, I guess you can't say the school, because then people will show up.

• 28:43Sam Morril?

  Are you the most popular kid in the class right now?

• 28:45Mark Normand?

  Oh, nice. You fighting off some, uh, girls?

• 28:48Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 28:49Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you gotta hit 'em.

• 28:52Speaker 02

  Fight him on.

• 28:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah, a little Chris Brown.

• 28:57Sam Morril?

  This is exciting. How was talking to Walt Frazier? I saw that, that was pretty cool.

• 29:01Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 29:01Sam Morril?

  You a fan?

• 29:02Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 29:03Sam Morril?

  Very cool, man. Can we get him like a treat or something? He can't have alcohol, but we can get him something?

• 29:07Mark Normand?

  Get him a dog biscuit.

• 29:08Speaker 05

  Bring up that energy.

• 29:11Speaker 02

  Get him some cigarettes.

• 29:15Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy, sorry, Rizzler.

• 29:17Sam Morril?

  I like that I'm like five drinks deep.

• 29:20Speaker 05

  Who's your favorite comic? Go ahead.

• 29:22Mark Normand?

  Matt Rife.

• 29:23Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 29:24Speaker 05

  I know it's a tough question.

• 29:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Who does he like?

• 29:28Sam Morril?

  Whoa, the Rizzler's iced tea.

• 29:30Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 29:31Speaker 05

  You have your own drink?

• 29:32Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 29:33Speaker 05

  Look how jealous Craig is.

• 29:35Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 29:37Sam Morril?

  Who's the coolest, who's the coolest celeb you've met so far?

• 29:40Speaker 06

  Um.

• 29:42Mark Normand?

  Jared Fogle.

• 29:48Speaker 06

  Oh, C.O. One.

• 29:49Mark Normand?

  Oh, C.O. One.

• 29:51Speaker 05

  You even have a handler that remembers for you. Wow, you're doing alright.

• 29:55Mark Normand?

  His name's Dad.

• 29:57Speaker 05

  What's the next mountain to climb, Rizzler?

• 30:01Speaker 05

  Is that, what's his name again?

• 30:02Mark Normand?

  Rizzler, come on.

• 30:03Speaker 05

  Oh, sorry.

• 30:03Mark Normand?

  He's a legend.

• 30:04Speaker 02

  Wait, I gotta, I gotta claim ignorance here.

• 30:06Mark Normand?

  What?

• 30:07Speaker 02

  Can you introduce a guest?

• 30:08Sam Morril?

  You don't know who the Rizzler is?

• 30:09Speaker 05

  No, he's a recurring guest. I don't know him either.

• 30:11Mark Normand?

  You kidding?

• 30:12Sam Morril?

  You guys don't know the Rizzler?

• 30:13Speaker 02

  You know who he is?

• 30:14Speaker 05

  I'm drawn to, like, when a young child comes in, I just mix it up with them.

• 30:18Mark Normand?

  Pete Davidson.

• 30:19Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 30:19Speaker 02

  Now, for future reference.

• 30:21Mark Normand?

  He's dating Morgan Qualley, dude.

• 30:22Speaker 02

  For future reference, if you see that outfit, walk the other way.

• 30:27Sam Morril?

  The Rizzler's big time, man.

• 30:28Mark Normand?

  There he is.

• 30:29Speaker 03

  1.5 million followers.

• 30:30Sam Morril?

  Whoa.

• 30:32Mark Normand?

  Mama.

• 30:32Sam Morril?

  How did it pop off for you? What was the big moment?

• 30:36Speaker 06

  Uh, oh. So, I came home one day, and then I told my dad I wanted to do a video, and I was like, this is the face of a Rizzler. And then, yeah, and I just became the Rizzler.

• 30:48Mark Normand?

  Hell yeah.

• 30:48Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 30:49Mark Normand?

  Quite an origin story.

• 30:50Speaker 05

  Look at us, Buck. There it is.

• 30:52Mark Normand?

  They call Dave the Diddler.

• 30:53Speaker 06

  God.

• 30:54Mark Normand?

  Just watch out.

• 30:54Speaker 05

  Who is that, your unpaid intern? Who is that, your... He does your stunts?

• 30:59Speaker 06

  That's Hezbollah.

• 31:00Mark Normand?

  That's the UFC guy, Hezbollah.

• 31:01Speaker 06

  Yeah, Hezbollah.

• 31:02Mark Normand?

  He's cool.

• 31:04Speaker 05

  Damn, he is tiny, man.

• 31:05Mark Normand?

  I know, geez.

• 31:06Speaker 05

  What is he, like, two foot one? Look at him.

• 31:09Mark Normand?

  How old are you now?

• 31:10Speaker 05

  I'm an old man. What does the Rizzler mean? Like, what's your...

• 31:13Mark Normand?

  He's got riz.

• 31:14Speaker 05

  Oh, okay. Oh, I get it. So you're like the Lebowski of this Gen HQ 9.

• 31:19Mark Normand?

  Yeah. He's Rob Lowe.

• 31:23Speaker 02

  Really low.

• 31:26Speaker 05

  You seem pretty comfortable, uh, in front of the camera. I think that's awesome, dude. Yeah. Yeah, what's like, yeah, what do you want to do next?

• 31:32Speaker 06

  Uh...

• 31:37Speaker 02

  Do any kids hate on you? Do any of the guys at school resent you and they're jealous of you?

• 31:40Speaker 06

  Nope.

• 31:41Mark Normand?

  No haters.

• 31:41Speaker 05

  That's awesome.

• 31:42Mark Normand?

  That's rare.

• 31:43Speaker 02

  All right.

• 31:43Speaker 05

  That's really great.

• 31:44Mark Normand?

  What about the DMs, the real weirdos?

• 31:46Speaker 06

  I don't know.

• 31:47Speaker 05

  Did, uh...

• 31:48Mark Normand?

  Don't look.

• 31:49Speaker 05

  So what are you hoping on from Santa this year? A union card?

• 31:55Speaker 05

  Make some real cash?

• 31:56Speaker 06

  So there's, uh, these action figures called Marvel Legends. They're like Marvel action figures.

• 32:02Speaker 05

  Sounds white. Let's hear it.

• 32:04Speaker 06

  Marvel Legends. Action figures. I have like forty of them.

• 32:09Speaker 05

  You do?

• 32:10Speaker 06

  In my collection.

• 32:11Speaker 05

  Holy tares. How much money are you saving and how much are you burning through?

• 32:14Speaker 06

  I have that one right there, that Spider-Man.

• 32:15Mark Normand?

  Oh, hell yeah.

• 32:16Speaker 06

  The Captain America, all of them.

• 32:17Speaker 05

  Look at them all, heroes. Not like those firemen and police.

• 32:22Mark Normand?

  How big are they?

• 32:23Speaker 06

  They're like this big.

• 32:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay.

• 32:25Speaker 06

  They're si- uh... One-sixth scale.

• 32:29Mark Normand?

  Hezbollah size.

• 32:30Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 32:32Speaker 02

  So will there be a Rizzler Marvel action?

• 32:34Speaker 06

  Probably.

• 32:34Speaker 05

  That's a great question.

• 32:36Mark Normand?

  We gotta hit the, uh, the weights.

• 32:37Speaker 05

  He seems, yes.

• 32:38Mark Normand?

  Bump up.

• 32:38Speaker 06

  And then there's these other things. They're called hot toys. It's the same thing, but just more expensive.

• 32:43Mark Normand?

  Hot toys.

• 32:44Speaker 06

  And they're like this big.

• 32:46Speaker 05

  So what do you think about the Oscars moving to YouTube? What is the Riz- what's the Riz's take on that?

• 32:52Mark Normand?

  Oh, those are cool.

• 32:53Speaker 06

  I don't know.

• 32:53Mark Normand?

  That is crazy, right?

• 32:54Speaker 05

  Yeah. Unfiltered and no time limit. That's what we need.

• 32:58Mark Normand?

  Oh, god.

• 33:00Speaker 05

  What's your favorite like candy? I see you ranking all the candies online.

• 33:04Speaker 06

  Kit Kat.

• 33:05Speaker 05

  Kit Kat's number one.

• 33:06Mark Normand?

  Good choice.

• 33:07Speaker 05

  That's classic.

• 33:08Mark Normand?

  Gimme a break.

• 33:10Speaker 05

  I love it. What's your favorite put-down?

• 33:14Mark Normand?

  Ooh, don't say the N-word.

• 33:21Mark Normand?

  Alright, good. He's a nice kid. He doesn't put people down.

• 33:23Speaker 05

  Riz, what's your favorite cocktail? We have a full bar here for you.

• 33:27Speaker 06

  Shirley Temples.

• 33:28Speaker 05

  Oh, can we get him one?

• 33:29Sam Morril?

  That was adorable.

• 33:30Speaker 05

  That's the gateway drink.

• 33:33Speaker 05

  Next stop rehab.

• 33:37Speaker 06

  Look, I'm even, there's a video of me unboxing Marvel Legends.

• 33:41Speaker 05

  Whoa, let's see it.

• 33:42Mark Normand?

  Which one is it?

• 33:43Speaker 06

  Um, I'm in the green shirt.

• 33:45Mark Normand?

  Green shirt. Oh, there's the Marvel Legends.

• 33:48Speaker 05

  Oh, what an awesome unboxing.

• 33:51Mark Normand?

  Oh my god.

• 33:54Mark Normand?

  Hell yeah.

• 33:56Speaker 05

  He's so excited.

• 33:57Mark Normand?

  Damn. I wish you were my dad.

• 34:03Speaker 05

  Do you play with them or do you keep them in the box?

• 34:05Speaker 06

  I just keep them, no, I take them out of the box and then I pose them, then I just keep them in the shelf.

• 34:09Speaker 05

  You know, in other countries, kids your age, when they, um, when they do something, it's food. They're like, "Look at this food, into my food hole."

• 34:20Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 34:20Mark Normand?

  We're very lucky here in America.

• 34:21Speaker 05

  Thank you, USAID.

• 34:26Speaker 05

  That was a great, how many takes did it take you to get to that?

• 34:28Speaker 06

  Once.

• 34:29Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 34:29Mark Normand?

  He's a pro.

• 34:30Speaker 05

  What are you hearing that guy's movie, people?

• 34:34Speaker 05

  Are you gonna be in their movie? Cause you know, they're doing a movie.

• 34:37Sam Morril?

  We might have to write him in, dude.

• 34:38Mark Normand?

  Oh, we gotta write you in.

• 34:39Speaker 05

  That would be a great idea.

• 34:40Speaker 06

  That would be cool.

• 34:41Sam Morril?

  What's the plan after this? You going to dinner or you?

• 34:44Speaker 06

  Um, I'm going to play Fortnite.

• 34:46Mark Normand?

  Fortnite.

• 34:48Speaker 05

  What's that again?

• 34:48Speaker 06

  It's a video game.

• 34:49Speaker 05

  I thought it was some kind of gender thing.

• 34:52Sam Morril?

  Oh yeah?

• 34:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you think about transitioning?

• 34:54Speaker 05

  Craig, you're a father, say something to him. Give him some advice or something.

• 34:57Sam Morril?

  Here's the advice, you gotta stand up to your parents.

• 35:05Speaker 05

  What?

• 35:05Mark Normand?

  We gotta talk to the dad there. Oh, wow. Alright, well, let me, uh...

• 35:11Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 35:12Mark Normand?

  Alright, my man. Oh geez. Alright buddy, let me get the hat on.

• 35:17Speaker 02

  He said, "Don't have a hat."

• 35:19Speaker 05

  The hat takes some of the creep out of it.

• 35:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, oh.

• 35:23Speaker 05

  Well, he did it a little too easily.

• 35:28Mark Normand?

  Oh, this is gonna make me put on a list.

• 35:32Mark Normand?

  Oh, there you go, warm ass.

• 35:34Speaker 05

  Now you can get off some.

• 35:35Sam Morril?

  What the, Mark, what the fuck?

• 35:36Speaker 05

  Dismount, dismount, son. He's rizzling, he's rizzling.

• 35:41Mark Normand?

  He's rizzling right now.

• 35:42Speaker 05

  He's doing his take.

• 35:43Mark Normand?

  It's melted now. Thank you, Riz.

• 35:46Speaker 05

  That was great.

• 35:47Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 35:49Speaker 05

  You really unboxed it.

• 35:50Speaker 02

  You guys lasted like six minutes, it was great.

• 35:53Sam Morril?

  By the way, the original's been unfailing more than us this year, I think.

• 35:56Mark Normand?

  No way.

• 35:57Sam Morril?

  He's killing it, dude, he's everywhere.

• 35:59Speaker 05

  Why are you slumming it? What happened?

• 36:02Speaker 05

  Give me any service. This is a, this, in, in, in Chivers, they call this a U-turn.

• 36:08Sam Morril?

  How was The Tonight Show?

• 36:10Speaker 06

  It was good.

• 36:11Speaker 02

  They give you a gift bag for it?

• 36:13Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:13Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 36:14Mark Normand?

  There he is.

• 36:14Speaker 02

  What'd you get?

• 36:15Speaker 06

  Oh, like a t-shirt, oh, like a mug that said, "Tonight Show."

• 36:20Mark Normand?

  Is that the family?

• 36:21Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 36:21Mark Normand?

  Boy, you got a handsome, look at that, your dad's got great arms.

• 36:24Speaker 05

  Wow, did you guys?

• 36:26Mark Normand?

  You're the dad.

• 36:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is Big Justice and Little Justice.

• 36:29Mark Normand?

  Oh geez, sorry.

• 36:30Speaker 05

  Hey, I watched your jersey, she wore it.

• 36:33Sam Morril?

  This is the extended universe.

• 36:35Speaker 05

  We're Tommy T.

• 36:37Sam Morril?

  So this all came from just this, right here.

• 36:39Speaker 02

  Wow. And now, do you know how long until you DJ?

• 36:45Speaker 03

  Uh, can you explain to Mr. Attell what the Riz face is? He hasn't seen it before.

• 36:50Speaker 05

  Why me?

• 36:50Speaker 06

  Okay, so the Riz face is just this.

• 36:54Speaker 05

  That's it? Yeah, but no one else could do it. I mean, you got it. Do you find like when you're out in places, they go, "Let's see that Riz face." Do they say that to you?

• 37:03Speaker 06

  Like, I take pictures like once in a while.

• 37:05Speaker 05

  Once in a while?

• 37:07Speaker 06

  But now it's like, a little bit, like...

• 37:09Speaker 05

  Do you ever go, "Hey, you know, I'm eating," or something like that?

• 37:13Speaker 06

  Like, I went to the carnival, like, I literally got chased by people.

• 37:16Speaker 05

  Wow, no way.

• 37:17Speaker 06

  I literally had to say, "No pictures," I had like two security guards.

• 37:20Sam Morril?

  Kevin Spacey was there?

• 37:21Mark Normand?

  They were trying to put him in a cage. Stay with us.

• 37:24Speaker 05

  Is that you?

• 37:25Sam Morril?

  Oh.

• 37:27Mark Normand?

  Wow. We're racking up, I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous, I'm sitting next to royalty here.

• 37:31Speaker 05

  Yeah, we're all a little shocked.

• 37:32Mark Normand?

  And my thigh is on fire.

• 37:33Sam Morril?

  Have you tried on the ladies, does it work?

• 37:35Speaker 06

  Uh, yeah.

• 37:36Speaker 05

  What do they like to do, pinch your cheeks, I bet? And what do you do?

• 37:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah, hell yeah.

• 37:45Speaker 05

  Save it.

• 37:46Sam Morril?

  Alright, well, thank you, Rizzler, for coming.

• 37:48Speaker 05

  Thank you, Rizzler.

• 37:49Mark Normand?

  Thank you, I know you're a Rizman.

• 37:50Speaker 05

  Enjoy playing Fortnite, thank you. Yeah, group photo.

• 37:53Mark Normand?

  Get Dad in here.

• 37:54Speaker 02

  Final question, favorite Christmas movie?

• 37:57Mark Normand?

  Uh... Two Girls, One Cup. Oh, good one.

• 38:01Speaker 05

  Two Girls, One Riz.

• 38:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 38:04Speaker 05

  Oh, thanks, man, appreciate it. You did a great job with it.

• 38:10Mark Normand?

  Get in here.

• 38:16Speaker 02

  Come on, lean in over here.

• 38:20Mark Normand?

  Okay, alright, thank you. Are you guys Long Island?

• 38:23Speaker 05

  Uh, Brooklyn, New Jersey, or just Staten Island?

• 38:26Mark Normand?

  Oh, no, real New Yorkers. Yeah.

• 38:30Speaker 05

  Thanks for coming by, guys.

• 38:31Mark Normand?

  There is age. Good luck getting out of here. I'm gonna take that risper.

• 38:36Speaker 05

  You take it.

• 38:36Mark Normand?

  Yeah, take it.

• 38:38Speaker 02

  You earned it.

• 38:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:39Mark Normand?

  You want a tit for the road?

• 38:43Sam Morril?

  Thank you, Rizzler, for dropping in. What a, what a New Year's surprise.

• 38:46Mark Normand?

  Oh, sorry.

• 38:47Sam Morril?

  We've been trying to book The Rizzler for years.

• 38:49Mark Normand?

  Jesus Christ.

• 38:50Sam Morril?

  As all the Die Hard fans know, there's been a lot of whiffs on The Rizzler so far.

• 38:53Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 38:54Sam Morril?

  We've been stood up about four times.

• 38:55Speaker 02

  Oh, this is the first time he's been on?

• 38:57Sam Morril?

  First time he showed up.

• 38:57Speaker 02

  You've never met him before?

• 38:58Speaker 05

  No.

• 38:59Sam Morril?

  No, we've tried many times. We've been blown off, school.

• 39:03Mark Normand?

  He's huge.

• 39:04Sam Morril?

  He's huge.

• 39:05Mark Normand?

  He's a tough get.

• 39:05Speaker 05

  I didn't know that.

• 39:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 39:07Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 39:07Mark Normand?

  You wouldn't know it from his, uh, electricity he was pumping out.

• 39:11Speaker 05

  No, I mean, I felt like he, you know, he said, "Go and do him a favor," so he gave you 50%, you know?

• 39:16Mark Normand?

  I guess so.

• 39:17Speaker 05

  Fallon, he's all over the place, you saw that clip.

• 39:19Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 39:21Mark Normand?

  It was cute, though, his feet didn't hit the floor.

• 39:24Sam Morril?

  He was, honestly, if you watched The Fallon, he's kind of phoned in in there, too.

• 39:27Speaker 05

  No.

• 39:28Sam Morril?

  He's just hot shit, he doesn't care.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:30Sam Morril?

  He's just...

• 39:31Speaker 05

  He's the Riz, man.

• 39:32Mark Normand?

  The Riz. I can't wait till he ODs.

• 39:34Sam Morril?

  What?

• 39:35Mark Normand?

  Uh, well, I think we got 10, we got 10 years.

• 39:37Sam Morril?

  Mark!

• 39:38Mark Normand?

  We got 10 good years.

• 39:39Sam Morril?

  He's a good kid, Mark.

• 39:40Mark Normand?

  Sweet kid. I'd hate to see him trick or treating, though.

• 39:42Speaker 05

  You know what we forgot to do is say, "Hey, say your prayers."

• 39:47Sam Morril?

  We gotta send him some Marvel Legends.

• 39:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's a good idea.

• 39:49Sam Morril?

  Thank you.

• 39:50Speaker 05

  You're heading home to a duplex somewhere. To a two-family home with a very old parrot, a sick parrot in the living room.

• 40:00Mark Normand?

  He has no idea what just happened.

• 40:01Speaker 05

  A heavy bag somewhere.

• 40:03Sam Morril?

  His dad clearly just likes comedy.

• 40:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 40:05Sam Morril?

  We got lucky.

• 40:06Mark Normand?

  I mean, we were saying crazy shit. His dad was just like,

• 40:09Speaker 05

  Well.

• 40:09Mark Normand?

  You told me you had a hot ass. It was hot. I mean, I wasn't joking. That was warm. It was hurting.

• 40:16Sam Morril?

  We were gonna get in trouble for that shit, dude.

• 40:18Mark Normand?

  Hey, he said on my lap.

• 40:19Sam Morril?

  You couldn't fucking do that.

• 40:20Mark Normand?

  I didn't ask for that.

• 40:22Speaker 05

  I think we found a new, um, judge for Kill Tony. Can you approach him, take him through it?

• 40:29Mark Normand?

  What'd you think of his set, Riz?

• 40:32Speaker 05

  Only three Rizes?

• 40:35Sam Morril?

  We're gonna take this into context. The Rizzler gave you a lap dance.

• 40:40Speaker 05

  Hey, good luck, my friend. AI will replace you in a second.

• 40:44Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 40:45Sam Morril?

  No, he's on, he's on fire right now.

• 40:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 40:47Sam Morril?

  Everyone wants a piece of the Riz.

• 40:49Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 40:50Speaker 05

  You saw that on boxing? Come on. If Netflix doesn't jump on that, who will? Unboxing with the Riz.

• 41:00Mark Normand?

  Oh my god. You've heard of him, huh?

• 41:03Speaker 02

  I've never heard of him.

• 41:04Sam Morril?

  I've only seen him on NCIS.

• 41:05Speaker 02

  I mean, where would I, where, where would I hear about him?

• 41:07Sam Morril?

  Yeah, really. We were on, we were on the same, actually, I have met him once. We were on the same team on the Knicks charity game.

• 41:12Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 41:13Sam Morril?

  He was a defensive liability, if I say so myself.

• 41:16Mark Normand?

  I can see that.

• 41:17Sam Morril?

  But, you know.

• 41:18Mark Normand?

  He was a heavy kid. I mean, that was a lot of weight.

• 41:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:21Mark Normand?

  Very, uh, you know, portly.

• 41:23Speaker 02

  Right.

• 41:24Sam Morril?

  Whoa.

• 41:24Mark Normand?

  Cute, but cute.

• 41:26Speaker 05

  So cute.

• 41:27Mark Normand?

  There he is. Hey, look at you two. Couple of studs.

• 41:30Sam Morril?

  Believe it or not, we didn't win the game. Can you believe it? With this backcourt, we weren't fucking crushing?

• 41:36Mark Normand?

  You'd be better off with Air Bud.

• 41:38Sam Morril?

  And that's, that's actually not a bad movie idea.

• 41:40Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 41:41Sam Morril?

  The Rizzler?

• 41:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he rides them in.

• 41:46Mark Normand?

  Oh, is that Vinnie from Jersey Shore behind you? Oh, there you go. Sorry, Greg.

• 41:50Speaker 02

  Didn't somebody stick their thumb up somebody's ass in a Nick team photo recently?

• 41:54Mark Normand?

  Pull it up.

• 41:55Sam Morril?

  It was, yeah, Josh Hart did it to Jalen Brunson.

• 41:59Mark Normand?

  What?

• 41:59Sam Morril?

  Yeah, he stuck his thumb up his ass.

• 42:01Mark Normand?

  That's awesome.

• 42:01Sam Morril?

  They're fucking, they're psychos. They're great. They're friends. Yeah, they're buddies. Did you see the video where they made fun of Karl-Anthony Towns, the cartoon? Did you see that?

• 42:11Mark Normand?

  No.

• 42:12Sam Morril?

  Cat's a little zesty on the team. That's the funny video. What is this? Oh, yeah. Right up his ass.

• 42:22Mark Normand?

  Wow, he jerked quick.

• 42:24Sam Morril?

  Like right here?

• 42:25Mark Normand?

  Look at that spin.

• 42:26Sam Morril?

  Oh, they're best friends. He's fucking with them.

• 42:28Mark Normand?

  That's great.

• 42:32Mark Normand?

  You know Jalen Rose?

• 42:33Sam Morril?

  Yeah, of course.

• 42:34Mark Normand?

  That's the first ever person named Jalen. And it just stuck.

• 42:38Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 42:39Mark Normand?

  Now there's millions of Jalens.

• 42:40Sam Morril?

  I didn't know that.

• 42:41Mark Normand?

  Fun fact. Jalen Hurts.

• 42:43Sam Morril?

  I wish the Riz would come back.

• 42:47Mark Normand?

  It's a fun fact that's thrown out there. I don't know. He's making me nervous, that kid.

• 42:52Sam Morril?

  I was nervous. When he sat in your lap, I was like, this is not good. Yeah, whose idea was that again? Or is that just a wish? That was your idea? What, are you trying to end the podcast?

• 43:00Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 43:00Sam Morril?

  That was really weird. It was like a Make-A-Wish thing.

• 43:02Mark Normand?

  How'd you read my mind?

• 43:04Sam Morril?

  Yeah, the second I was proposing, I'm like, this is fucking bad, dude.

• 43:07Mark Normand?

  Woo, boy, oh, boy. Oh, man. Yeah, the Oscars go on YouTube. That is fucking nuts. It's all changing.

• 43:15Sam Morril?

  Well, no, but it's good news for you guys.

• 43:17Mark Normand?

  Is it?

• 43:17Sam Morril?

  Yeah, they, on the news, they were saying, yeah, now we can have an unfiltered host, which is the one thing that they always hate. Anytime any guy gets edgy, you know, they're like, yeah, whatever. But they're like, yeah, now we can get anybody in there. It'll be great.

• 43:30Mark Normand?

  I guess so.

• 43:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you still get sponsors. Are you still get people paying for it? I don't know. They said 2029. So when does your film come out?

• 43:40Sam Morril?

  Probably by then.

• 43:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah, hopefully. Jesus Christ, these fuckers take forever.

• 43:44Sam Morril?

  Oh, my God.

• 43:45Mark Normand?

  You wrote on the Oscars before, huh?

• 43:47Speaker 02

  I wrote on the Emmys and I wrote on the Golden Globes, but I never wrote on the Oscars. Alan DeGeneres.

• 43:53Mark Normand?

  Oh, we're not getting back in that.

• 43:55Speaker 02

  My favorite.

• 43:56Sam Morril?

  This was on fucking Fox News last time you were on.

• 43:58Speaker 02

  Last time I was here, it all got, it got picked up on Fox News.

• 44:01Sam Morril?

  And they just ran, I was like, wow.

• 44:02Speaker 02

  It was on the New York Post, and then it ended up in London. What is that? What's this, the paper in London?

• 44:11Speaker 05

  I know, I know how they all pass the story. Greg, I'll see you later at the unboxing.

• 44:18Speaker 05

  Go ahead Greg, something, something you were doing?

• 44:21Speaker 02

  Unboxing sounds like when a woman breaks up with you.

• 44:26Speaker 02

  And, yeah, and then it got picked up in London in like the Mirror, one of those big tabloids. So I know, I know Ellen read it, cause... She's in London now. She's in London! And it got a million views on here. She's coming back, she's coming back. Oh great. To revenge. Can we get her on? We owe her that much.

• 44:43Speaker 05

  I think she might give us less energy than the Rizzler.

• 44:48Speaker 05

  That's crazy.

• 44:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:49Speaker 05

  That's crazy, she's coming back to America. You think she's going straight to LA or what?

• 44:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, I think she sold all her houses, so that was like a billion dollars. Right. And then she moved to England and I guess she had like a historic farmhouse and she put on an addition and a cutoff, like a river, an ancient river. Ooh. And like the whole town hated her. Oh. I think she might have been driven out. Damn! Yeah. She's driven out everywhere, that's two places, two countries now. I know. Yikes. She can be staying with the Rizzler when she gets back.

• 45:22Speaker 05

  You heard the Riz, they live in Staten Island, Queens, New Jersey. I like that guy.

• 45:29Speaker 02

  He's got a time shift.

• 45:29Speaker 05

  Yeah, we, uh, yeah, we live in a car, you know, we're everywhere.

• 45:36Speaker 05

  Like a jewel, you know what I'm saying? We live in a car.

• 45:39Speaker 02

  Yeah. We live in a Walmart, a Kentucky Fried Chicken. Matt, you know the Rizzler.

• 45:45Speaker 04

  I have no idea who that is.

• 45:47Speaker 05

  I feel like I'm in the room with people that just don't know talent. Did you just want to cuddle them and everything, or, no?

• 45:52Speaker 04

  I wanted him to drink a Shirley Temple.

• 45:55Speaker 02

  Oh, that's right.

• 45:56Speaker 04

  It was gonna make a wish when he walked in, I was like, who's this small child?

• 46:02Speaker 02

  Do you think that's a sexual fantasy, Shirley Temple?

• 46:04Speaker 05

  Everybody's ankle was blinking.

• 46:06Sam Morril?

  There must be a pedophile that the Rizzler's like, "That's my type." "I like, I like round."

• 46:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah, oh, definitely. He was smooth as an Asian man.

• 46:17Mark Normand?

  What is the, uh... What happened to Shirley Temple? She OD'd, right?

• 46:23Speaker 05

  She became like a s- uh...

• 46:24Speaker 02

  She was an ambassador.

• 46:27Mark Normand?

  I thought she took her own life.

• 46:28Speaker 05

  No.

• 46:29Mark Normand?

  Who am I thinking of? Judy Garland.

• 46:32Sam Morril?

  You're thinking of the Rizzler after he does his podcast.

• 46:36Speaker 05

  Sure, uh, what's her name? Shirley Temple had like the worst, like, you know, just like bad, like with men, like they totally stole her money and everything.

• 46:43Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 46:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:44Mark Normand?

  They made her smoke cigarettes to stunt her growth and all that shit.

• 46:47Speaker 05

  She's always dancing with the help.

• 46:49Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 46:50Speaker 05

  I saw those movies, oh yeah.

• 46:51Speaker 02

  She was in blackface in one of the movies.

• 46:53Mark Normand?

  Pull it up. Damn, Murdock!

• 46:56Speaker 05

  Hey, let the Rizzler be threw up!

• 46:59Speaker 05

  How long has this show been going on? Wow, you got on that Ozempic, didn't you, kid? Give us a Riz, give us a Riz for old times' sake. Can you still do that?

• 47:10Mark Normand?

  Did you see the Rizzler out there?

• 47:12Speaker 05

  Now that you're a substitute teacher.

• 47:14Sam Morril?

  Sean Murphy, everybody.

• 47:15Mark Normand?

  Sean Murphy.

• 47:16Sam Morril?

  Sean, you have a hard man to follow, this Rizzler. Do you know who the Rizzler is?

• 47:20Speaker 07

  I do, I just saw him in the bathroom.

• 47:21Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 47:21Mark Normand?

  Ohhh! You're sick.

• 47:25Speaker 02

  Which was embarrassing because you were at the shorty.

• 47:29Speaker 05

  Did you say, "Hey kid, I'm the Drizler"?

• 47:35Speaker 07

  Turn the lights off on the Ozempic.

• 47:38Sam Morril?

  Whoa!

• 47:39Mark Normand?

  I felt that in boxing.

• 47:41Speaker 02

  He's a walking glory hole.

• 47:43Speaker 05

  Oh my god.

• 47:44Mark Normand?

  But at that height, at that height?

• 47:48Sam Morril?

  What the fuck is happening?

• 47:50Mark Normand?

  Alright, well...

• 47:51Sam Morril?

  Well, I guess her resolution's not to be good people, guys.

• 47:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:55Sam Morril?

  But that was pretty epic to have the Rizzler.

• 47:56Mark Normand?

  That was awesome.

• 47:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:57Mark Normand?

  He sat on my lap.

• 47:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 47:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 48:00Speaker 05

  He just told her one day this will be inappropriate. She's like, "Never!" And he went out of the room.

• 48:05Sam Morril?

  What the fuck, wait, what is this?

• 48:07Speaker 05

  Shirley Temple in blackface.

• 48:08Sam Morril?

  What the fuck is happening?

• 48:09Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow. Good times. She's cute.

• 48:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 48:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:14Mark Normand?

  Little tar baby.

• 48:19Speaker 05

  Oh, brother.

• 48:20Sam Morril?

  Mark talking to the Rizzler later tonight?

• 48:25Mark Normand?

  I wouldn't hurt you one bit.

• 48:27Sam Morril?

  You're a pretty little boy.

• 48:29Mark Normand?

  I got him in full blackface.

• 48:32Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 48:32Speaker 05

  Are we gonna play it, or is that...

• 48:34Sam Morril?

  That was it?

• 48:35Mark Normand?

  I need to come.

• 48:36Speaker 05

  Are we supposed to build our own lines?

• 48:40Speaker 05

  What are you talking about, Willis?

• 48:44Mark Normand?

  Oh, no.

• 48:48Mark Normand?

  Is that Benson?

• 48:49Speaker 05

  Well, they even did the hands. That's commitment.

• 48:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 48:52Speaker 07

  Racism energy.

• 48:54Speaker 05

  This is before abortions.

• 48:57Speaker 05

  Come on, Sean, warm up. The Riz would have been all over that.

• 49:02Mark Normand?

  She's violent.

• 49:05Mark Normand?

  Oh, here comes the Confederate Army.

• 49:07Speaker 05

  It's ice.

• 49:10Speaker 05

  This reminds me of my best week ever, Gage. Holy shit.

• 49:17Mark Normand?

  Alright, good times.

• 49:18Speaker 05

  What a dog whistle, blah, blah, blah, blah trope.

• 49:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah, sorry. We just walked into a buzzsaw.

• 49:28Speaker 05

  Then you wonder why a CVS gets looted.

• 49:32Speaker 05

  See right here. Who are these two queens? Oh, sorry.

• 49:38Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy.

• 49:39Sam Morril?

  That is crazy. He just took his son here after school. I mean...

• 49:42Mark Normand?

  Oh, he went to school today. I didn't even think about that. That's crazy.

• 49:44Sam Morril?

  What the fuck is happening?

• 49:46Mark Normand?

  Damn, what a weird day for that kid.

• 49:48Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 49:48Speaker 05

  I thought he'd be homeschooled in the kitchen. You know what I'm saying? He's a big kid.

• 49:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I got it. He was chunky, for sure.

• 49:58Mark Normand?

  So, you going home to Buffalo?

• 50:01Speaker 05

  Jeez.

• 50:02Mark Normand?

  I'll try to include you.

• 50:03Speaker 07

  I appreciate it. Um, yeah, a couple of weeks in January.

• 50:07Mark Normand?

  Nice. Not Christmas?

• 50:09Speaker 07

  Not Christmas, going to Connecticut.

• 50:11Mark Normand?

  The lady?

• 50:12Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 50:12Sam Morril?

  You're married, right?

• 50:13Speaker 07

  Engaged.

• 50:14Sam Morril?

  Whoa.

• 50:15Speaker 07

  Yeah, the Rizzler's gonna...

• 50:19Sam Morril?

  Well, tell him I was... Me telling the Rizzler the last Bachelor stand-in on this podcast.

• 50:25Speaker 05

  The Rizzler's fighting him off.

• 50:27Mark Normand?

  He might beat you.

• 50:28Speaker 05

  What's the, uh, where are you getting married, bud?

• 50:30Speaker 07

  Uh, we don't know yet. Wherever's cheapest.

• 50:33Mark Normand?

  The Fat Black Lounge.

• 50:36Speaker 05

  Which club have you decided on?

• 50:37Sam Morril?

  Bobby Kelly will do a guest set and marry you too.

• 50:40Mark Normand?

  Greenwich Comedy Club.

• 50:43Mark Normand?

  Greenwich.

• 50:45Sam Morril?

  You'll bark people when you're away.

• 50:45Speaker 05

  I just did a show in Stanford, which is pretty good.

• 50:47Mark Normand?

  That's a good room.

• 50:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's a really good one.

• 50:49Mark Normand?

  Good room, yeah, they're doing alright.

• 50:50Speaker 02

  Rough part of town, though, huh?

• 50:52Speaker 05

  No, that's Bridgeport.

• 50:53Speaker 02

  Oh, I'm thinking of Bridgeport.

• 50:54Sam Morril?

  That's fucking rough. I got chased offstage in Bridgeport, that's fucking dicey.

• 50:57Speaker 05

  That's the guaranteed laugh, you know what I'm saying?

• 51:00Sam Morril?

  Bridgeport's scary.

• 51:01Mark Normand?

  New Haven's got some rough areas, too.

• 51:03Sam Morril?

  Oh my god, yeah. Remember that old, what was that, uh, the Hell's Angels?

• 51:06Mark Normand?

  Jokers.

• 51:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Jokers Wild.

• 51:07Mark Normand?

  Jokers Wild.

• 51:08Speaker 02

  Oh, that was a rock, that was a mob joint.

• 51:09Speaker 05

  Wow, how do you guys know that, really?

• 51:11Mark Normand?

  I did that room a few times.

• 51:12Speaker 05

  Just started, right?

• 51:12Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 51:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:14Mark Normand?

  They still have not paid me.

• 51:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, that's, that's true.

• 51:18Mark Normand?

  True story.

• 51:19Speaker 05

  New Haven, you remember from your days at Yale.

• 51:21Mark Normand?

  New Haven, guns waving.

• 51:22Speaker 02

  I'm an Eli. Uh, no, uh, I, I did, they told me this is gay to sit like this, but...

• 51:28Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 51:29Speaker 05

  We just had a boy on a man's lap. Express, express yourself.

• 51:36Speaker 05

  See what you feel.

• 51:37Speaker 02

  I did that Jokers Wild with Sarah Silverman, and back when we were Boston comics.

• 51:43Speaker 05

  Where?

• 51:43Speaker 02

  And, uh...

• 51:44Speaker 05

  It's that old?

• 51:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, goes way back. And, um, and the club owner, she came in and he goes, uh, "Hey, you look good, turn around."

• 51:53Mark Normand?

  To, to her or to you?

• 51:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, he said in the booth, "To her," he goes, "Turn around."

• 51:56Speaker 05

  In a pro.

• 51:56Speaker 02

  And she goes, "I'm not turning around." And then, uh, we did the sets and he, he didn't talk to her all weekend because she didn't turn around.

• 52:04Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 52:04Speaker 05

  Good for her, damn.

• 52:06Speaker 02

  Jokers Wild? I spun like three times. And I got paid.

• 52:11Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 52:12Speaker 05

  Damn.

• 52:13Mark Normand?

  Were there bikers there?

• 52:14Speaker 02

  I don't remember.

• 52:16Mark Normand?

  It was a biker bar.

• 52:17Speaker 05

  Yeah. Yeah, New Haven's got the pizza, the burger spot, and that's kind of it, it's, yeah.

• 52:22Mark Normand?

  And Yale.

• 52:23Speaker 05

  And Mammoons, the original Mammoons.

• 52:24Mark Normand?

  Is that New Haven?

• 52:26Speaker 05

  New Haven.

• 52:26Mark Normand?

  Weird.

• 52:27Speaker 02

  And Toads, the bar Toads.

• 52:28Speaker 05

  At Yale, it's not a choice, it's a, you have to.

• 52:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 52:32Speaker 05

  You have to go with the Mammoons.

• 52:33Mark Normand?

  Right, good.

• 52:34Speaker 02

  Toads is where the Stones kicked off one of their tours.

• 52:37Speaker 05

  No shit.

• 52:37Mark Normand?

  Weird.

• 52:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a little rock club.

• 52:38Mark Normand?

  Pull up Toads, I want to see this joint.

• 52:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah, Connecticut's a...

• 52:43Sam Morril?

  It's dicey, man.

• 52:44Mark Normand?

  I've done, what is that, Manchester, the Hartford Funny Bone?

• 52:48Sam Morril?

  That's fucking rough.

• 52:49Mark Normand?

  I've died there a few times.

• 52:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah, me too. I got buried by a fucking sound effects guy there all weekend. He was like, hit the fucking music. His whole thing was like, it would be like, In the Air Tonight, they would play it, and he would just act out being high in the grocery store to that song, and it made no sense.

• 53:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 53:07Sam Morril?

  But it fucking murdered.

• 53:08Mark Normand?

  Murderers.

• 53:09Sam Morril?

  Like, he would be going through, like, looking for stuff, and then he would just go, "Boo-doom, boo-doom, boo-doom, boo-doom," and it would fucking annihilate.

• 53:15Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 53:16Sam Morril?

  First night, I was like, alright, one more time for that guy, but by show five, I was like, "It doesn't make sense." What he's doing doesn't make fucking sense.

• 53:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 53:24Sam Morril?

  And the crowd's like, "We don't care."

• 53:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 53:26Speaker 02

  What's your policy on, like, if you go to a town and there's an opener, I mean, I know, Dave, you always bring your own openers.

• 53:31Speaker 05

  Not always.

• 53:32Speaker 02

  But if they do crowd work, do you say anything, or you just let them do it?

• 53:38Sam Morril?

  I mean, I don't give a shit.

• 53:39Speaker 05

  I let them do whatever they want to do, but...

• 53:41Sam Morril?

  I prefer they do jokes, obviously. But if they have a moment, I don't care.

• 53:45Speaker 02

  No, no, not a moment. I'm talking about somebody who, like, works the crowd.

• 53:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I don't like that.

• 53:49Mark Normand?

  No, that's no, that's no good.

• 53:50Speaker 02

  I just said something to somebody recently, they were doing a ton.

• 53:53Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 53:53Speaker 02

  I kind of felt bad, though, I was like, I shouldn't say anything, but I don't want to, like, I do some crowd work, and I don't want to be in the back watching every moment of the act to see who they talk to.

• 54:01Mark Normand?

  Oh, it's about watching? That's the part that bothers you? That's hilarious.

• 54:05Speaker 05

  You should hand the guy at the beginning of the week your rules, like a big, like, a playbook. Now, when I come up, fist bump me, and then, like, give me a tap on the ass, and I'll be like, "Whoa, what happened there?"

• 54:19Sam Morril?

  What's up with that guy?

• 54:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 54:20Speaker 02

  And then stand to the side and laugh at everything I say.

• 54:23Mark Normand?

  How did he take it, your rules?

• 54:25Speaker 02

  You keep assuming it's a he, how do you know it wasn't a she? She was fine, she was fine.

• 54:31Speaker 05

  Nice.

• 54:31Mark Normand?

  I wouldn't tell a lady what to do. That's, that feels...

• 54:35Sam Morril?

  Unless she's pregnant, then I would.

• 54:37Speaker 05

  How come, how come this crowd work thing, like, it doesn't seem to, I don't know, I wasn't even gonna say, but like...

• 54:42Sam Morril?

  People don't wanna be talked to so much like at the Cellar and all these other city clubs like

• 54:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:48Sam Morril?

  They get really like, you know, like, I didn't think this would happen. I'm like, don't you watch TikTok?

• 54:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:53Sam Morril?

  Don't you?

• 54:53Speaker 02

  This could be your moment.

• 54:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 54:55Mark Normand?

  I know. Well, there's some people who are like, don't talk to me. And some people are like, why aren't you talking to me? Those are the worst.

• 55:00Sam Morril?

  I don't see those people.

• 55:01Speaker 07

  But it almost doesn't make sense on the road because the rooms are so big. So you're talking about someone's hat and someone is like, what hat?

• 55:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 55:07Speaker 07

  You can't even see it.

• 55:08Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 55:08Sam Morril?

  Okay, arena man.

• 55:11Sam Morril?

  I can see everybody.

• 55:14Mark Normand?

  Well, Big Jay will pull a stool out and do the Jumbotron crowd work.

• 55:18Sam Morril?

  I love it.

• 55:18Mark Normand?

  It's pretty impressive. Pretty impressive.

• 55:20Sam Morril?

  It's ballsy as fuck.

• 55:21Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 55:22Mark Normand?

  But if you got the jumbo, they can all see the fat guy with the face tattoo or whatever he's talking about.

• 55:26Sam Morril?

  And nothing kills harder than that shit in a room that big. It's crazy.

• 55:29Speaker 02

  Crowd work in an arena?

• 55:30Sam Morril?

  If you can do it.

• 55:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:31Sam Morril?

  If you can pull it off.

• 55:32Speaker 02

  Right.

• 55:33Sam Morril?

  Because they're like, how the fuck does he have the balls to do this?

• 55:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:36Sam Morril?

  So.

• 55:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah. I think, I think the crowd work bubble is bursting.

• 55:42Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 55:42Mark Normand?

  I think it's coming to an end.

• 55:45Sam Morril?

  It's, it's, it blew up so big.

• 55:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 55:47Sam Morril?

  Has to come back down a little.

• 55:49Mark Normand?

  A little. And people stopped writing jokes. They were just like, oh, I'll just go up and go, what do you do? How long you been together? What porn is this? You know, whatever. Mom and daughter? That was a big one.

• 55:59Sam Morril?

  See if a black boyfriend.

• 56:01Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's a big one.

• 56:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then just a long pause.

• 56:06Sam Morril?

  You have nothing? You're just like, he's black.

• 56:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:08Sam Morril?

  That's all you have?

• 56:10Mark Normand?

  That's funny.

• 56:13Mark Normand?

  Ah, the Rizzler, I miss him.

• 56:16Sam Morril?

  That was one of those moments. I had, I had a feeling he was gonna come here.

• 56:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, come on.

• 56:21Sam Morril?

  Well, he said surprise and he wouldn't tell us who.

• 56:23Mark Normand?

  They call it a wet dream.

• 56:26Speaker 07

  Will the Rizzler get into stand-up, do you think, at some point?

• 56:28Sam Morril?

  Absolutely.

• 56:29Mark Normand?

  Oh, that could happen.

• 56:30Sam Morril?

  Once the public appearance money dries up.

• 56:32Speaker 05

  Right over at stand-up into serious drama.

• 56:35Mark Normand?

  Hopefully. Because if he opens up for me doing this shit. And he kills, I'm gonna quit.

• 56:40Sam Morril?

  By the way, you think he's opening for you?

• 56:42Mark Normand?

  Ah, yeah, good point.

• 56:43Sam Morril?

  You're opening for him.

• 56:45Mark Normand?

  Rizzler, please let me open.

• 56:46Sam Morril?

  The Rizzler hands you a list, don't talk about this.

• 56:49Mark Normand?

  Don't touch your chin.

• 56:53Speaker 02

  Now, that's one of those, you have a Sunday night show and they tell you, ticket sales are light, and as you're walking in, the Rizzler's four o'clock crowd is storming out. There's thousands of them.

• 57:02Sam Morril?

  They all look exactly like him.

• 57:04Speaker 05

  He's too inside, he just keeps talking about how he didn't get in the movie Warfare. You see, I couldn't do the flying thing, you know? I have an issue with that.

• 57:13Mark Normand?

  You guys unbox?

• 57:17Sam Morril?

  That's the whole show?

• 57:18Mark Normand?

  That's the whole show.

• 57:19Sam Morril?

  He just opens action figures, you're like, this is killer.

• 57:21Mark Normand?

  See, this is how you know we couldn't be pedophiles. That was a lot of work, talking to that kid. Oh, Marvel Legends, get out of here, you don't say.

• 57:29Sam Morril?

  It almost makes you respect him a little bit.

• 57:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah, pedo, they gotta put the... They gotta go for it.

• 57:34Sam Morril?

  No, it's awful. I mean, hanging out with kids is... My niece gives nothing.

• 57:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:39Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 57:40Sam Morril?

  Gives nothing.

• 57:41Speaker 05

  All judgment, right?

• 57:42Sam Morril?

  All judgment. She's 13, it's just a tough... Instead of bat mitzvah, she gives me nothing, then she opens my gift, and she's like, Uncle Sam, big hug. The next day, she pretends she doesn't know me again. I was like, come on!

• 57:52Speaker 02

  Try raising a couple. Good luck with that.

• 57:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 57:55Speaker 02

  Good luck, Mark. Alright, listen, I gotta bounce, I'm eating my son for dinner right now.

• 57:58Sam Morril?

  Where you going?

• 57:59Speaker 02

  We're going to some soup house up on Fifth Avenue.

• 58:03Speaker 05

  Soup house. What a fancy name for a shelter.

• 58:06Speaker 02

  And then we're gonna see O'Mary and take him to the...

• 58:08Mark Normand?

  Oh, people like O'Mary.

• 58:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. So, anyway.

• 58:11Sam Morril?

  The Rizzler's the new O'Mary.

• 58:12Speaker 05

  Great scene, man.

• 58:13Speaker 02

  Great scene, I'll see you guys.

• 58:15Speaker 05

  How long in town for?

• 58:15Speaker 02

  Uh, two weeks, I'll see you around.

• 58:17Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, come by.

• 58:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay.

• 58:18Mark Normand?

  You gonna do some sets?

• 58:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I'll be at the stand and the cell.

• 58:21Speaker 05

  Please check out Greg. Greg is one of my favorite comics.

• 58:24Mark Normand?

  Killer comic.

• 58:25Speaker 02

  Thank you very much, great to see you guys. Uh, Cleveland.

• 58:28Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, pull the band's dates up, will ya?

• 58:30Speaker 02

  Whatever, it doesn't matter.

• 58:31Speaker 05

  How about an invite for your podcast?

• 58:33Speaker 02

  Oh, FitzDog Radio and Sunday Papers. Thanks, Dave. There it is!

• 58:37Sam Morril?

  I love Gibbons he do it to.

• 58:39Mark Normand?

  Gibbons is the man.

• 58:39Speaker 05

  Hey!

• 58:40Mark Normand?

  He'll be in Jersey, Cleveland, Atlanta, Austin, Sacramento, Philly.

• 58:47Mark Normand?

  Oh, let's do a big gay photo.

• 58:48Sam Morril?

  Just get in, yeah. Get in, dude.

• 58:54Mark Normand?

  How's my ass?

• 58:55Speaker 07

  It's bony.

• 58:59Mark Normand?

  That's a bony Irish ass. Hey Sean, flop over here. One Irish for another.

• 59:02Sam Morril?

  Come on, it's hot. Sean, have a truly temple that was meant for the Rizzler.

• 59:08Speaker 07

  I'd love to.

• 59:09Sam Morril?

  The good old Rizzler.

• 59:11Speaker 07

  Craig's your future.

• 59:14Speaker 04

  Did you want a drink? I'm happy to make you something.

• 59:15Speaker 07

  Do you want a mocktail?

• 59:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 59:16Speaker 07

  Could you take a mocktail or something?

• 59:18Mark Normand?

  What do you like?

• 59:19Speaker 07

  Uh, what do you, what are you offering? What do we, what do we have?

• 59:22Speaker 04

  I got juice, I got ginger beer, I got eggnog. I've got a spirit-free whiskey, I think so.

• 59:28Sam Morril?

  Ooh, whoa. Spirit-free whiskey.

• 59:30Speaker 07

  Everyone seemed excited about that. I'll try that.

• 59:32Mark Normand?

  Alright. He likes the sweets, this guy.

• 59:35Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 59:35Mark Normand?

  We get ice cream on the road.

• 59:37Speaker 05

  I didn't know that you guys toured together?

• 59:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he opens for real a lot.

• 59:40Speaker 05

  But when you play Buffalo, you let him headline, don't you? Look who's home.

• 59:46Mark Normand?

  You guys ice cream guys.

• 59:47Speaker 05

  How are my, uh, Tim Hortons?

• 59:52Sam Morril?

  That's a great town, though.

• 59:53Speaker 05

  Who do you bring out, Dave? I pretty much have like four people now, but, uh, Nicole, Amy Schreiber, I do.

• 59:59Mark Normand?

  Oh, she's cool.

• 1:00:00Speaker 05

  Christina, Dave.

• 1:00:01Mark Normand?

  Funny.

• 1:00:01Speaker 05

  Uh, all, all, all my openers have gone on the headlining, so they're doing great, you know?

• 1:00:06Mark Normand?

  What about?

• 1:00:06Speaker 05

  Ian and, uh, what's his name? Uh, well, Alex Price, of course.

• 1:00:10Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, big guy.

• 1:00:11Speaker 05

  And, uh, well, that was one of the best theater shows I did this year was in Indianapolis.

• 1:00:16Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 1:00:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, I couldn't believe it.

• 1:00:17Sam Morril?

  Which one, which room was it?

• 1:00:18Speaker 05

  I don't know, probably the smallest theater in town.

• 1:00:22Speaker 05

  I think that's what they call it. The smallest theater in town.

• 1:00:25Mark Normand?

  You still using Mackie?

• 1:00:26Speaker 05

  Uh, who?

• 1:00:28Mark Normand?

  Joe Mackie?

• 1:00:29Speaker 05

  I haven't, no, I don't think he ever.

• 1:00:31Mark Normand?

  I thought you used Mackie, I don't know why.

• 1:00:33Speaker 05

  I think he did, I did like one or two gigs with him, but no, I haven't seen him, he's like so mysterious, I haven't seen him.

• 1:00:37Mark Normand?

  He is, he's very elusive.

• 1:00:38Speaker 05

  But he is definitely one of the best.

• 1:00:40Sam Morril?

  Great joker, dude.

• 1:00:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, he really is.

• 1:00:41Mark Normand?

  Really funny.

• 1:00:42Speaker 05

  Dave's the best guy to open for, I mean, I was like, he's so damn fucking encouraging, man. Well, I.

• 1:00:47Sam Morril?

  Opening for you is the best.

• 1:00:48Speaker 05

  My crowd, like, even though they're old, they, they really get it, like, they really don't have any kind of like filter on them, you know, like, but, uh, as long as it, you know, like, solid material, they're into it, but, uh, you know, some of the locals, you know, I always try and give them like a ton of guest spots, you know, all that stuff.

• 1:01:03Speaker 07

  Yeah, I opened up for you in Buffalo and Raleigh back in the day.

• 1:01:07Speaker 05

  Oh, really?

• 1:01:07Speaker 07

  Yeah, it was me, you and Matty Reener in Raleigh.

• 1:01:10Speaker 05

  Oh, that's, well, Matty, yeah.

• 1:01:12Mark Normand?

  Wow, she's on SNL, she's blown past both of you.

• 1:01:14Sam Morril?

  SNL writer.

• 1:01:15Speaker 07

  Yeah. And then we went out to get food and someone tried to get you to go do their improv show.

• 1:01:23Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 1:01:23Speaker 05

  I don't want to take stage time away from 12 others.

• 1:01:28Sam Morril?

  I remember doing the dates with you and Jeff, those were fun as hell, man, when you guys were doing bumpin' mikes and, I mean, I remember we ended up, remember that we did like an all-nighter in a casino that night?

• 1:01:37Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:38Sam Morril?

  We was gambling all night, it was like the most fun night ever.

• 1:01:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, that, uh, Jeff has been so busy, I don't know if you guys got to see his one-man show?

• 1:01:44Sam Morril?

  I haven't, we wanted to see it.

• 1:01:46Speaker 05

  Man, really good.

• 1:01:47Sam Morril?

  I heard it's really good.

• 1:01:48Mark Normand?

  He was in the Middle East doing the troops.

• 1:01:51Speaker 05

  He was doing USO, yep.

• 1:01:52Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:53Speaker 05

  He's, he's doing it.

• 1:01:54Mark Normand?

  He's everywhere.

• 1:01:55Speaker 05

  Not me, I don't want to go near an airport for the next month, if I can.

• 1:01:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah, do a lot of your gigs local coming up?

• 1:02:00Speaker 05

  I just have Providence and then I have Soul Joel's again.

• 1:02:03Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's a great room.

• 1:02:04Sam Morril?

  So, yeah, I'm looking forward to that one. I gotta do that one.

• 1:02:06Mark Normand?

  It's a good room, workout, uh, new stuff.

• 1:02:09Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:10Speaker 05

  I think it's indoors now.

• 1:02:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it is, that's what I'm saying, it's way better.

• 1:02:13Sam Morril?

  During COVID, though, that shit saved us.

• 1:02:15Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:02:15Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:02:16Sam Morril?

  Outdoor dome, holy shit.

• 1:02:17Mark Normand?

  That dome was amazing.

• 1:02:19Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:20Mark Normand?

  Those animals came out, it was like a January 6th crowd, it was incredible.

• 1:02:24Speaker 05

  They were great.

• 1:02:26Mark Normand?

  Uh-oh, here comes a mock.

• 1:02:27Speaker 07

  All right, what do we got in this?

• 1:02:29Speaker 04

  Uh, Bodega Cat NA Whiskey.

• 1:02:32Mark Normand?

  NA.

• 1:02:33Sam Morril?

  How close do you think you order another special, Dave?

• 1:02:35Speaker 05

  I don't think I'm ever doing another one.

• 1:02:37Mark Normand?

  Oh, get out of here.

• 1:02:38Speaker 05

  I, I feel like that's was the, the one thing I think you guys will get, which is just the disappointment of like, I thought I was doing the work, but I'm really not getting anything good.

• 1:02:47Sam Morril?

  You have great new shit.

• 1:02:48Speaker 05

  It feels like it's always being squeezed down back into the same 25 minutes, so.

• 1:02:51Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 1:02:52Speaker 05

  You know, I don't know what I'm doing, you know, like, and plus I'm just trying to do these other things now, so, so, I don't know. But what do you guys think, three years, four years, how many, cause, you know, let's face it, I'm pretty much, um, half in the grave at this point, so.

• 1:03:06Mark Normand?

  Why you just put it out, who cares, maybe, you don't like it, but we all love it.

• 1:03:09Sam Morril?

  We, and dude.

• 1:03:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, but what's the point of like, but then you have to tour again with what, like, you know, I hate that.

• 1:03:15Sam Morril?

  But you can't help but do new shit constantly, I mean, you're gonna do it any.

• 1:03:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, but how much of it is good?

• 1:03:19Sam Morril?

  It's fucking good, dude.

• 1:03:20Mark Normand?

  We've seen it, it's great.

• 1:03:21Speaker 07

  I saw you two nights ago, you were killing.

• 1:03:23Sam Morril?

  You're the dude I watch when I'm like, fuck, I suck, I gotta write new shit.

• 1:03:27Speaker 05

  No way, dude.

• 1:03:28Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:28Speaker 05

  I saw your after-party after karate.

• 1:03:32Speaker 05

  It was like a model convention. I couldn't believe the I couldn't believe the sevens and eights that you've drawn.

• 1:03:41Speaker 05

  I was the shortest guy in there.

• 1:03:43Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 1:03:45Speaker 05

  No, but every time, your new shit is so good, man. You're out of your mind. Oh, thanks, Sam.

• 1:03:49Mark Normand?

  And you got news, the topical stuff is impressive. You pump it out quick.

• 1:03:53Speaker 05

  I was on the phone with someone last night who was like, David Tell's on the pod, like, couldn't believe it.

• 1:03:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, that was the Rizzler.

• 1:03:57Speaker 05

  Topical stuff.

• 1:03:59Speaker 04

  You could do a whole hour on the Rizzler if you wanted.

• 1:04:01Speaker 05

  That's right.

• 1:04:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah. You guys have the same body.

• 1:04:04Speaker 05

  No, it would be really funny if you, uh... The Rizzler looks like he chanced smokes.

• 1:04:09Mark Normand?

  He does, yeah. How old is the Rizzler? Has this been covered already?

• 1:04:12Speaker 07

  I asked you, he's nine.

• 1:04:13Speaker 05

  You never ask a gnome his age?

• 1:04:17Speaker 05

  Nine years old, this poor kid works harder than any of us. His tour schedule's probably worse than ours.

• 1:04:23Mark Normand?

  Oh, I'm telling you, he's like a kid at the apple factory. Slave labor.

• 1:04:28Speaker 05

  I mean, is he really, is he like all like coast to coast, or is he regional?

• 1:04:32Mark Normand?

  He's pretty regional, but...

• 1:04:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think so.

• 1:04:35Mark Normand?

  He'll, he's in movies, he's...

• 1:04:36Speaker 05

  Oh, he is?

• 1:04:37Mark Normand?

  Oh, he's everywhere.

• 1:04:37Speaker 05

  He's blowing up.

• 1:04:38Mark Normand?

  I think he's in Happy Hour 2.

• 1:04:39Speaker 05

  What a great, as they say, get for you guys.

• 1:04:42Mark Normand?

  Very good get.

• 1:04:45Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he's a hit.

• 1:04:46Speaker 05

  You got him right before he went all religious.

• 1:04:48Mark Normand?

  You're not doing a special again, but Bobby Lee's finally doing one.

• 1:04:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's right.

• 1:04:51Mark Normand?

  You see that? After 50 years of stand-up.

• 1:04:54Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 1:04:56Mark Normand?

  He's doing a special. I don't know what he's gonna do.

• 1:04:59Speaker 05

  Is that really his first one?

• 1:05:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah, ever.

• 1:05:01Speaker 05

  Wow. He held out till the money was right.

• 1:05:05Mark Normand?

  I guess so. It's gonna be on Hulu, I think.

• 1:05:08Speaker 05

  You'll do another one for sure.

• 1:05:09Mark Normand?

  You got it, yeah.

• 1:05:11Speaker 05

  You will. No, you know what would be, would, uh... I mean, whatever, you guys do your own specials. I assume you're in the same boat, which is just like... At what point does the platform not matter at all? Probably soon.

• 1:05:23Mark Normand?

  That's a good spot to be in, like a Jim Gaffigan.

• 1:05:26Speaker 05

  Would you, would you livestream one? No.

• 1:05:28Mark Normand?

  Nah, I don't like the live.

• 1:05:30Speaker 05

  I don't like the pressure of it. What's the point of doing two shows if you're just gonna...

• 1:05:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:34Speaker 05

  Do three shows.

• 1:05:35Mark Normand?

  You got one on January 6th.

• 1:05:36Speaker 07

  January 6th, that's right.

• 1:05:37Speaker 05

  That's when it comes out?

• 1:05:38Speaker 07

  Memorable date, yeah. YouTube, on this guy's YouTube.

• 1:05:41Speaker 05

  Whoa. No way.

• 1:05:42Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah. That's your last one.

• 1:05:46Speaker 05

  What's the special called?

• 1:05:48Speaker 07

  Uh, long story...

• 1:05:48Speaker 05

  The Jews Will Not Replace Us?

• 1:05:52Speaker 07

  It's called fight, fight, fight.

• 1:05:53Mark Normand?

  Good marketing, you know?

• 1:05:54Speaker 07

  Uh, long story thin.

• 1:05:56Sam Morril?

  Alright. Oh.

• 1:05:57Mark Normand?

  It's a reference to a, uh, thin dick joke.

• 1:05:59Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:06:00Sam Morril?

  Nice.

• 1:06:01Speaker 07

  Got a big, thin dick closer.

• 1:06:03Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:04Sam Morril?

  Don't give it away, don't give it away. And does Mark introduce you, or what happens?

• 1:06:09Speaker 07

  Uh, no.

• 1:06:10Sam Morril?

  He phones it in?

• 1:06:11Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:06:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I just put it on the channel, I had him on here, and I'm done.

• 1:06:14Speaker 07

  Yeah, it's, it's big, I'll take it.

• 1:06:15Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 1:06:17Sam Morril?

  Well, Sean's killing at the cellar, man, he's, he's crushing. Everyone likes, Liz doesn't say nice stuff about a lot of comics there, and she says nice stuff about you.

• 1:06:23Speaker 07

  That's true.

• 1:06:24Sam Morril?

  The fact that she gave you a date there, that means something.

• 1:06:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he shot it at the cellar.

• 1:06:29Sam Morril?

  She doesn't, she doesn't say yes to a lot of people these days.

• 1:06:32Speaker 07

  Yeah, I'm very thankful. Yeah, she's great. The moment she started kind of being nice, nicer to me, I was like, oh, this feels good. Yeah. You know, like...

• 1:06:40Sam Morril?

  It won't last.

• 1:06:41Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:06:42Sam Morril?

  She turns to me constantly. I have friends who see her, just like, starts screaming at me, and they're like, "That was awesome." They think it's awesome just watching them scream at me. Spot around the corner, now!

• 1:06:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah. She's a tough cookie.

• 1:06:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:56Mark Normand?

  Whenever I get a "where are you?", I'm like, "Oh, I'm in trouble."

• 1:06:59Sam Morril?

  She holds that place together. She's the...

• 1:07:01Mark Normand?

  She does.

• 1:07:02Sam Morril?

  She's the glue. Without, without her would be, uh, let's face it, um, third world country.

• 1:07:13Sam Morril?

  Anyway, congrats, buddy, in advance. So what kind of merch are we talking about?

• 1:07:20Sam Morril?

  What are you gonna be selling out there?

• 1:07:21Speaker 07

  I do sell condoms on the road.

• 1:07:23Mark Normand?

  Clean up!

• 1:07:24Speaker 07

  That's my, that's my merch.

• 1:07:25Sam Morril?

  What, what's your crowd like? Are they also... Clearly white.

• 1:07:27Speaker 07

  Yeah. White, thin dicks, um...

• 1:07:31Sam Morril?

  I see, you might call it the ophthalmologist crowd.

• 1:07:37Speaker 03

  So, since this is our New Year's episode, and we didn't prepare for this, but do you guys have any New Year's resolutions?

• 1:07:43Mark Normand?

  Oh, I actually have some peeves.

• 1:07:45Sam Morril?

  I have a peeve. Yeah, what do you got, Dave?

• 1:07:48Speaker 05

  I was gonna say, um, not to be in a room where a guy has a boy sit on another man's lap. That was still inappropriate.

• 1:07:54Sam Morril?

  With a camera?

• 1:07:55Mark Normand?

  Ah, yeah, no cameras like that.

• 1:07:58Speaker 05

  Send in a, uh, trauma, trauma person.

• 1:08:00Speaker 07

  You missed that.

• 1:08:01Sam Morril?

  Yeah. I like that you fucking set him up for that, too. Yeah. You're like, "I have a good idea."

• 1:08:07Mark Normand?

  That pick is gonna haunt me.

• 1:08:10Sam Morril?

  And the fact that he agreed, I was like, what the, first off, he's nine, you can't get his consent.

• 1:08:14Speaker 05

  Ask his dad first. He was everything, that kid.

• 1:08:17Sam Morril?

  He was, you could have fucking done whatever you wanted, dude.

• 1:08:19Mark Normand?

  If I die in a car crash, they're gonna show that photo on the news. Me with a kid on my left.

• 1:08:24Speaker 05

  I think we found the new Cory, if you know what I'm talking about.

• 1:08:27Sam Morril?

  I gotta, I gotta pee. I had a stop and chat with someone the other day, and it was fifteen fucking degrees, and she was annoyed that I was like, alright, I gotta get out of here, and she's like, that's it? And I was like, it's freezing.

• 1:08:38Mark Normand?

  Freezing.

• 1:08:39Sam Morril?

  I was trying to get indoors.

• 1:08:40Mark Normand?

  I'm dying out here.

• 1:08:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:41Mark Normand?

  That's crazy.

• 1:08:42Sam Morril?

  Be annoyed by the, like, stop and chat, I gave her like, a minute and a half, two minutes?

• 1:08:46Mark Normand?

  Do you, how well do you know her?

• 1:08:47Sam Morril?

  Not well.

• 1:08:48Mark Normand?

  Okay, that's fair then.

• 1:08:50Sam Morril?

  She, I was leaving, she's like, okay, and I was like, it's cold.

• 1:08:53Mark Normand?

  Okay, you're lucky I gave you fifteen, a minute and a half.

• 1:08:56Speaker 05

  Okay, Seinfeld episodes. Okay, guys. Do you remember the okay episode?

• 1:09:04Mark Normand?

  Fifteen degrees, fifteen minutes.

• 1:09:10Speaker 04

  Do you want something to drink?

• 1:09:11Speaker 05

  Nah, I'm alright.

• 1:09:12Mark Normand?

  What do you got here, sister?

• 1:09:13Speaker 05

  I'll take a grilled cheese.

• 1:09:16Speaker 04

  Tomato soup could be a drink.

• 1:09:18Speaker 05

  Nah, I'm fine. Thank you, though.

• 1:09:19Mark Normand?

  What, what is this?

• 1:09:20Speaker 04

  Those are Manhattan's, cause I realized I accidentally made the old fashions with the M.A.

• 1:09:24Speaker 05

  Let me ask.

• 1:09:25Mark Normand?

  Oh, good call.

• 1:09:27Speaker 05

  Do you bartend, I'm sorry, do you bartend in other places lately?

• 1:09:30Mark Normand?

  Stumble in.

• 1:09:31Speaker 04

  Just this place, my main gig.

• 1:09:32Speaker 05

  Cause I heard that like, now it's all about fancy, non-alcoholic, like, fifty dollar drinks, you know, but it's really just juices and, you know, wedges and stuff.

• 1:09:41Mark Normand?

  Kids don't drink anymore.

• 1:09:42Speaker 05

  They don't.

• 1:09:42Sam Morril?

  I go out with, I'll go out with Todd Barry for a drink sometimes, and he'll order a mocktail, and it's like a sixteen dollar pear juice.

• 1:09:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah, wasting time. Kids don't drink, I've been trying to get the Rizzler to drink for years. He won't do it.

• 1:09:54Speaker 04

  Still hasn't touched a Shirley Temple.

• 1:09:56Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:09:57Sam Morril?

  We need his face in a Mike's Hard Lemonade.

• 1:10:00Speaker 05

  I'm gonna send him a bouquet of Twinkies.

• 1:10:04Speaker 05

  Riz, you've done a great job.

• 1:10:06Sam Morril?

  You've done it again, Rizzler.

• 1:10:08Speaker 04

  Kids don't drink, but they do want me to charge their vape, which is infuriating.

• 1:10:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, these queefs.

• 1:10:14Sam Morril?

  Charged your fucking vape?

• 1:10:16Speaker 04

  Charged their vape.

• 1:10:18Sam Morril?

  I can't take the vape people serious, man.

• 1:10:19Speaker 04

  They come up to me with their vape and they go, "You got a charger?" And then I give them this face and they go, "And can I get a club soda?"

• 1:10:28Mark Normand?

  Vape apologist.

• 1:10:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm a vapologist.

• 1:10:31Mark Normand?

  Yuck. Grow up, you ninnies.

• 1:10:34Speaker 04

  I operate the outlet.

• 1:10:35Mark Normand?

  Alright, here's my peeve. I'm on the flight the other day, guy's got a giant service dog, like a rottweiler or something. Big old dog, it's going up and down the aisle, whatever, and it's like poking its head in everyone's lap, you know? And this guy kept doing this, which drove me fucking crazy. Instead of going like, "Sorry about my dog, sorry," he would go, "You don't mind, do ya? You don't mind, do ya?" And I'm like, "No, no, no, you can't tell us how to feel." It's very aggressive. "You don't mind, do you?" Yeah. You know, you're basically saying like, "I'm telling you how you feel."

• 1:11:04Sam Morril?

  He bites off an infant's face.

• 1:11:06Mark Normand?

  "You don't mind, do you?" Yeah, exactly.

• 1:11:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:09Speaker 05

  What kind of dog was it, though?

• 1:11:10Mark Normand?

  I don't know dog breeds. I'm not Michael Vick.

• 1:11:13Sam Morril?

  But a big dog on a plane is annoying.

• 1:11:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:16Speaker 05

  I like any dog on a plane. It just breaks the tension.

• 1:11:19Sam Morril?

  But a little dog I like.

• 1:11:23Speaker 05

  It's so tense up there.

• 1:11:24Mark Normand?

  A little dog I'll take, but...

• 1:11:25Sam Morril?

  Because you know it's bullshit that like the service animal, it's like a fucking, you know?

• 1:11:28Mark Normand?

  I know, it's a work.

• 1:11:29Sam Morril?

  It's like a chihuahua, you're like, "It's not a fucking service animal."

• 1:11:32Speaker 05

  You guys know Jizzle next joke, right? About the support dog on the flight? That's a great joke.

• 1:11:36Sam Morril?

  It's a good joke.

• 1:11:37Mark Normand?

  Give it to me.

• 1:11:38Speaker 05

  I'll butcher it, but do you know Sam?

• 1:11:40Sam Morril?

  I don't know it verbatim, I know the joke you're talking. It was in the last special, I like that joke.

• 1:11:44Speaker 05

  It's definitely in the trailer, so it's so good.

• 1:11:46Mark Normand?

  Okay, I saw the special, I can't remember. Uh, hold on, I got a couple more, but I'm wearing this fucking monkey suit, hold on.

• 1:11:52Speaker 05

  What'd he got under there?

• 1:11:53Mark Normand?

  Just the Rizzler's pajamas.

• 1:11:56Sam Morril?

  The Rizzler really was the gift that kept on giving.

• 1:11:58Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:12:01Speaker 05

  I thought we were all very...

• 1:12:03Mark Normand?

  Hold on, I got it written down.

• 1:12:06Sam Morril?

  I like it right off the top of your head.

• 1:12:08Mark Normand?

  Alright, how about this guy? He go, uh, you're out drinking? And I go, I gotta go, I got a flight in the morning, it's like 2 a.m., I better go. And they go, what time's your flight? And I go, eh, it's like 10:30. And they go, that's not bad.

• 1:12:19Sam Morril?

  Is this about me?

• 1:12:20Mark Normand?

  No.

• 1:12:22Sam Morril?

  You're just doing peeves about me to my face?

• 1:12:24Mark Normand?

  10:30?

• 1:12:24Sam Morril?

  I did this to you last week.

• 1:12:26Mark Normand?

  Well, here's my point. 10:30 is bad. Because you gotta be there at 9:30. You gotta wake up at 8:30. 8:30 sucks when you're going to bed at 3.

• 1:12:35Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:35Mark Normand?

  So they go, oh, that's not bad. I'm like, you're acting like I have to be there at 10:30.

• 1:12:38Sam Morril?

  Nah, you're right.

• 1:12:39Mark Normand?

  That's all. I hate the, oh, that's not bad.

• 1:12:41Sam Morril?

  I just liked hanging out with you.

• 1:12:42Mark Normand?

  That wasn't about you.

• 1:12:43Sam Morril?

  I was having fun.

• 1:12:43Mark Normand?

  That wasn't about you. That flight was at 7 a.m.

• 1:12:45Sam Morril?

  We got sauce.

• 1:12:46Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Alright, I got another one.

• 1:12:48Speaker 05

  You don't stay up the whole night? I always get the first flight out and just stay up the whole night.

• 1:12:51Mark Normand?

  I can't do that.

• 1:12:52Sam Morril?

  What is your sleeping schedule? Everyone always asks me what your sleeping schedule is.

• 1:12:56Speaker 05

  Terrible.

• 1:12:57Sam Morril?

  What is it?

• 1:12:57Speaker 05

  But, no, like, on the road, like, stay up the whole night and then fly out and then like, um, uh, when I land, I'm like, am I too tired to drive? And it's like, yeah. But, uh, yeah, it kinda ruins the whole next day. But I'm always like, I'm afraid I'm gonna miss the flight.

• 1:13:12Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:13:12Speaker 05

  Or there's gonna be a problem at the airport. Which is really weird, it's like, get there early, like, there's a problem at the airport. Like, I don't know how to fly a plane, nor fix one. So why am I there? Like, why was I alerted?

• 1:13:23Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:13:24Speaker 05

  Bring your tools.

• 1:13:26Mark Normand?

  Now, can you sleep on the plane?

• 1:13:27Speaker 05

  Uh, I used to do that, I don't do it anymore.

• 1:13:30Mark Normand?

  Damn, that's a gift.

• 1:13:31Sam Morril?

  Dave would pull in all night on the Burt tour, you would just stay up all night in the bus.

• 1:13:35Speaker 05

  Yeah, well, you know. Well, that was the weird thing about that tour, which is that, it is a party bus, but like, I felt really uncomfortable smoking on the bus.

• 1:13:44Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 1:13:45Speaker 05

  And then, then the bus driver, who was a super fan, had a heart attack. Now, I'm not connecting the two, but, he was the one guy who said, you could smoke up here.

• 1:13:51Sam Morril?

  The driver was the Rizzler.

• 1:13:53Speaker 05

  He did have that kinda quality.

• 1:13:57Speaker 05

  But, uh, yeah, no, I always like, I'm afraid I'm gonna miss the flight. But that's good, you get some winks in before you get home.

• 1:14:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you try.

• 1:14:05Mark Normand?

  How about this, there's another peeve. I don't know if you've got any. Am I stepping on you? I might have some, I'll buy you a go. Okay, okay. Uh, this guy who, who won't answer any questions, but he tries to seem cool, you're like, holy shit, you got us free pizza, how'd you do that? And he goes,

• 1:14:18Speaker 05

  Oh, that guy.

• 1:14:20Mark Normand?

  Or he goes like, "I'll tell you, but I'd have to kill you." "Shut up! I'm just asking about the pizza." "Hey, how'd you get a free parking? This is awesome." "Hey, I work in mysterious ways," or whatever, some bullshit answer. You're like, "Well, just tell me the answer." "Stop trying to give me these limericks." "Hey, I'm a... I know a guy," or whatever.

• 1:14:39Speaker 05

  He's like undersharing, is how we call it.

• 1:14:40Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes, but he's trying to seem cool.

• 1:14:42Speaker 05

  No, I know what you mean. That's annoying as hell.

• 1:14:45Mark Normand?

  I used to know a guy who would wink. I hated the wink guy. He'd go, "Hey, where'd you get this Ferrari?"

• 1:14:53Mark Normand?

  That's not an answer.

• 1:14:54Speaker 05

  I used to know a guy who would let kids sit in his lap on podcasts.

• 1:14:56Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's appalling.

• 1:14:58Speaker 05

  It was awful.

• 1:14:59Mark Normand?

  That's appalling. Who would do that?

• 1:15:01Speaker 05

  What do you got, Sean?

• 1:15:02Speaker 07

  I think if you're out to eat and you get your food first, you should be able to eat. No shame.

• 1:15:08Mark Normand?

  What is it, Subway takes?

• 1:15:11Mark Normand?

  That's not a peeve.

• 1:15:12Speaker 07

  That's a peeve if you get shame for it.

• 1:15:14Mark Normand?

  I see.

• 1:15:15Speaker 07

  People give you shame for it. You should be allowed to eat.

• 1:15:17Speaker 05

  Hot food, no question.

• 1:15:18Speaker 07

  Hot food, no question. But even cold food. Like, what do I get if you're waiting on me, you know?

• 1:15:23Mark Normand?

  And if it was the reverse?

• 1:15:25Speaker 07

  It was worse, yeah.

• 1:15:25Mark Normand?

  You would be like, "Go for it."

• 1:15:26Speaker 07

  Yeah, because I'd get nothing for you waiting.

• 1:15:29Mark Normand?

  Interesting. Yeah, I guess you're right. There's a Curb episode about this.

• 1:15:33Speaker 07

  Oh, really?

• 1:15:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah. Larry gets his food first, and he's like, "Do you mind?" And he goes, "Yeah, of course. Oh, you gotta wait for me." He's like, "What's the difference?" And they fight.

• 1:15:40Speaker 05

  Was it cold food or hot food?

• 1:15:42Mark Normand?

  It was a sandwich. That was part of the argument. But yeah, I get that.

• 1:15:49Mark Normand?

  People get really weird about eating.

• 1:15:50Speaker 05

  Do you have any ones that really happened to you and things you've seen?

• 1:15:52Mark Normand?

  That's yesterday, I swear. What about, um...

• 1:15:56Speaker 05

  My other peeve is I tripped Shaq at a Laker game one time. Really, it was bad.

• 1:16:03Mark Normand?

  I let a black guy live with me. He was a Katrina victim.

• 1:16:07Speaker 07

  What about, we've talked about, I think you should be able to get into hotels earlier.

• 1:16:11Mark Normand?

  Oh, 100% agree.

• 1:16:12Speaker 05

  Oh, my god.

• 1:16:13Mark Normand?

  They hook it back to four now. It's at 4:00 PM.

• 1:16:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, so how many hours are you really in the hotel? That's the thing, like 11?

• 1:16:20Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 1:16:21Speaker 05

  Not to mention, for us, we check in, then we're just, we're out.

• 1:16:24Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:16:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah!

• 1:16:25Speaker 05

  You're just sleeping there, really.

• 1:16:26Mark Normand?

  Sleeping in a shower.

• 1:16:27Speaker 05

  Do you go right to sleep when you check in the hotel?

• 1:16:29Mark Normand?

  No.

• 1:16:30Speaker 05

  I have to like walk around for like two hours or something like that.

• 1:16:32Speaker 07

  I'm a walker as well.

• 1:16:33Speaker 05

  You sleep when you check in during the day? No, like right before the show, I try and get a couple of hours. But it's really like when you check in, it's like, "I gotta go buy cigarettes." "Where can I get a coffee around here?" You know?

• 1:16:44Mark Normand?

  What are you, what are you up to?

• 1:16:45Speaker 05

  "I'm looking for my dad." I'm like, I'm like, look at it. It's like, I just wanna, it's always in a place where it's like so unwalkable.

• 1:16:52Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:16:52Speaker 05

  Hey, is there a coffee place? Yeah. You see that highway? Then there's like, then there's like an alley.

• 1:16:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:58Speaker 05

  Through that, there's like a, like a really bad coffee place.

• 1:17:01Mark Normand?

  Cause you're in downtown Albany. It's always the saddest, weirdest place.

• 1:17:04Speaker 05

  You're gonna say Buffalo, but go ahead.

• 1:17:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I would uptake that.

• 1:17:08Sam Morril?

  If there's a trans barista, you're getting a good cup, though.

• 1:17:11Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:17:12Sam Morril?

  Every, every downtown's got a, a trans barista. You're like, this is a good place right here.

• 1:17:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah, trans, uh, somebody has a great bit. They're like, trans make the best coffee and racists make the best barbecue.

• 1:17:20Speaker 05

  Interesting.

• 1:17:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:22Sam Morril?

  I never heard that.

• 1:17:23Mark Normand?

  I don't know whose bit that was.

• 1:17:23Sam Morril?

  Damn. Larry David, probably. We're ripping off this episode.

• 1:17:27Speaker 05

  More peeves.

• 1:17:28Mark Normand?

  We gotta get him on here.

• 1:17:30Speaker 05

  What's your favorite city to go to, Dave? Well, I guess the best ones for me are DC and San Francisco. And, um, I don't know, there's like a couple of really, really good ones, but, uh, it's, it's like, I don't like going back unless I got at least like a new fifteen, twenty minutes, you know? I feel really, but, you know, the people booking the shows, like, yeah, no, you were, you know, I'm like, yeah, but I don't have anything really new. You're the most prolific comic, dude. Nah, I don't think, I definitely don't think that's true. I think you're the most. I put you two at the top. I would, I always say, you guys are the machines.

• 1:17:59Mark Normand?

  You enlist, I'd say, or pumping it out.

• 1:18:02Speaker 05

  You pump it out, dude.

• 1:18:03Mark Normand?

  I'm trying, but my jokes are so short. You got some stories in there?

• 1:18:07Sam Morril?

  I have to. I have to throw some, if I'm doing an hour, I have to throw in stories. I can't do fucking, I, I like the short jokes. I have to do a few of those, but like, in an hour, I need some longer bits.

• 1:18:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:16Speaker 05

  Well, when I was in Spokane, um, Stan Hope and Andy were there, you know, like they were doing the early show and I had the late show. It was one thing like that. And like, I hadn't seen Doug live in a long time. And it's amazing. He comes out, he does about twenty minutes. They were talking about going to the Ukraine. And then Andy, oh, does like twenty-five, thirty minutes. Then Doug comes back out for an hour and then at the end, they both do. So I was like, man, that's a lot of show.

• 1:18:39Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:18:39Speaker 05

  And his crowd's way younger than mine. So evidently, you know, people got to worry. But I was like, man, he really brought it. I was like, really impressed. Then I'm up there with a recorder. There was two guys who could juggle. I said, can you juggle past me as I'm playing the recorder? Like, it was just like all this, like, it was, it was Hack City. But, uh, I kept going to Doug, is this Hack?

• 1:19:00Speaker 05

  Dude, that was the most fun night when Stan Hope came to hang it.

• 1:19:03Mark Normand?

  Sorry, it's been a long day.

• 1:19:04Speaker 05

  Wait for the riz. Wouldn't that be great if he cried like, "No!" I just had to unbox that. When Stan Hope came to the cellar, we just hung till, that was like the best night ever, man.

• 1:19:16Mark Normand?

  Oh, that was awesome.

• 1:19:18Speaker 05

  That was like, what, it was like a year ago? That was so fun.

• 1:19:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that was a while ago.

• 1:19:21Speaker 05

  Doug is a fucking man.

• 1:19:22Mark Normand?

  It was during the California fires, I remember.

• 1:19:25Speaker 05

  That's right.

• 1:19:26Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:26Speaker 05

  Cause you had that fucking line.

• 1:19:28Mark Normand?

  I'm rizzing, oh, sorry. Trademark.

• 1:19:31Speaker 05

  You stole his essence.

• 1:19:32Mark Normand?

  I'm the jizzler.

• 1:19:33Speaker 05

  You stole his essence.

• 1:19:35Mark Normand?

  Sorry. Sorry there, uh...

• 1:19:36Speaker 04

  You want another cum teeny?

• 1:19:39Mark Normand?

  Hey, she's back.

• 1:19:41Speaker 05

  Now that the children are asleep, the party starts.

• 1:19:45Mark Normand?

  Hold on, I wanted to say something. You said something.

• 1:19:48Speaker 05

  About Stan Hope and the show in Ukraine and...

• 1:19:51Mark Normand?

  Spokane, it was right before Spokane.

• 1:19:54Speaker 05

  They being prolific?

• 1:19:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:56Speaker 05

  I don't really wanna talk about that.

• 1:19:58Mark Normand?

  It wasn't about Dave.

• 1:20:00Speaker 05

  No, I, I feel like every, every joke I have right now, it's like, it's only a matter of time till it either stops working or I, I hate saying it.

• 1:20:08Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:20:09Speaker 05

  So there's like, there's that like fucking window, whatever, is that five week window maybe, something like that?

• 1:20:15Mark Normand?

  That's what I'm saying, put it out. Put a clip.

• 1:20:17Speaker 05

  I just don't have enough, uh, material to tour on right now. So, once I have that, then it would be like, yeah, what, what are you gonna do?

• 1:20:24Mark Normand?

  But I'm saying if it's a joke that's about to go out of the ether, the zeitgeist, throw it up real quick.

• 1:20:29Speaker 05

  Alright, I'll call up my partner, Dick Van Dyke, before they get out there. Jeez.

• 1:20:34Mark Normand?

  How about Andy Dick?

• 1:20:35Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 1:20:36Mark Normand?

  Did you hear about him?

• 1:20:37Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:20:38Mark Normand?

  Oh, he got found on Hollywood Boulevard, like slumped over, he was on crack.

• 1:20:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:20:42Mark Normand?

  He's having a tough go.

• 1:20:44Speaker 05

  Fucking, yeah, dark.

• 1:20:48Speaker 03

  I typed Andy Dick and it came up Andy Dick N-word.

• 1:20:51Mark Normand?

  Oh geez, what is he doing Kramer's Act? Holy hell.

• 1:20:55Speaker 05

  I blame the Boulevard. That place is just filthy and disgusting. He's been on drugs a long time.

• 1:21:01Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:02Speaker 05

  Remember his son used to be on Comic Strip Late Night? It was like all the, it was all the like the nepo, uh, connection cutting in front of us on Late Night. It would be like Lucas Dick, Jordan Rock, like, everyone just cut in front of us. And I'm like, can we get on the fucking show?

• 1:21:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:18Speaker 05

  There he is.

• 1:21:20Sam Morril?

  He's just.

• 1:21:21Speaker 05

  You know, I. If you've ever seen him when he's at the top of a game, he's super funny. Very funny. Like him.

• 1:21:27Sam Morril?

  No question.

• 1:21:27Speaker 05

  I'm just gonna say that because people love to dump on him and everything, but. No, he was great on news radio. He is like, uh, he, he's electric. I mean, like when you see him on camera and everything, he steals, he steals the scene. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but like, yeah, that's sad. But that Hollywood Boulevard is disgusting and honestly. Where dreams go to die over there.

• 1:21:49Speaker 05

  I just did store again.

• 1:21:51Sam Morril?

  Yeah, how was it?

• 1:21:52Speaker 05

  Well, thank you, guys. Well, Dave, how does this keep going till New Year's?

• 1:21:56Sam Morril?

  No, no, no. Dave, plug some, let's pull up Dave's tour dates.

• 1:22:00Speaker 05

  No, you don't have to do that.

• 1:22:01Sam Morril?

  No, you want to.

• 1:22:02Speaker 05

  Soul Joel's coming up in, in January.

• 1:22:05Sam Morril?

  Me?

• 1:22:05Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 1:22:06Sam Morril?

  What is it? What is this? Oh, Sam's threesome tracker. Sam has three hundred and sixty five, yeah, because I, Mark had a threesome and I, I admitted I haven't, so.

• 1:22:16Speaker 05

  Well, let's hope it's not cold out, so you won't.

• 1:22:19Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:19Speaker 05

  Where I was listening.

• 1:22:20Sam Morril?

  The Rizzler and his dad, it's gonna happen. Let's make it happen, guys.

• 1:22:25Speaker 05

  You have a, a year left.

• 1:22:27Sam Morril?

  This is fucking hilarious.

• 1:22:28Speaker 05

  You're gonna get some DMs.

• 1:22:29Sam Morril?

  Who did this, who did this shit?

• 1:22:31Speaker 05

  Peters.

• 1:22:32Sam Morril?

  You made this? AI, alright. AI! Sam's threesome tracker, alright, I hope, yeah, go see Dave on the road, look at this. Soul Joel's, you can see in, in Pennsylvania, Pottstown, Pennsylvania, Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Great Club, that's in February.

• 1:22:49Speaker 05

  Uh, February's busy for me.

• 1:22:51Sam Morril?

  The Bray Improv, February seventeenth through, uh, nineteenth.

• 1:22:54Speaker 05

  You're at Cobb's every week.

• 1:22:56Sam Morril?

  Oh, oh, oh, no, just the seventeenth, you're at Bray, and then you're Cobb's the nineteenth through the twenty first, or twenty second, wow, you're there a lo- a long time.

• 1:23:03Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 1:23:04Sam Morril?

  That's a great club.

• 1:23:05Speaker 05

  That's where I shot my specials, so.

• 1:23:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:07Speaker 05

  That special's on Netflix, it's great. Is just magical for comedy, so.

• 1:23:10Sam Morril?

  Dude, that special rules.

• 1:23:11Speaker 05

  Hot cross buns, check it out.

• 1:23:13Sam Morril?

  Go check it out on Netflix.

• 1:23:14Speaker 05

  And Addison Improv in March, Zany's in June. Hell, yeah.

• 1:23:18Sam Morril?

  Zany's.

• 1:23:19Speaker 05

  Good clubs. And then, um, then I die.

• 1:23:23Sam Morril?

  Dave says this every hour that he's done, but he, and then he puts out the best hour.

• 1:23:26Speaker 05

  I'm not doing it. Come on. Well, you guys, you guys just set the bar too high now.

• 1:23:31Sam Morril?

  That's not true.

• 1:23:32Speaker 05

  Ah. You're, you're, you're ready for a new one, right?

• 1:23:35Sam Morril?

  Feb- I'm taping in late February in Tampa.

• 1:23:37Speaker 05

  I got one coming out in March.

• 1:23:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:38Speaker 05

  Wow, so how many is this now? Six. Watch out, Carlin.

• 1:23:44Sam Morril?

  You and Quinn are the reason we were like, fuck, we gotta write a lot.

• 1:23:48Speaker 05

  It's because of you and Colin.

• 1:23:49Mark Normand?

  And Louis.

• 1:23:50Speaker 05

  And Louis. And here we go.

• 1:23:52Mark Normand?

  Oh, man.

• 1:23:52Speaker 05

  Sean Murphy.

• 1:23:53Speaker 07

  These are sad dates, baby.

• 1:23:55Speaker 05

  Like a fun, GoFundMe or something. I'm an adult special needs, but I'm still a man. I'm getting married.

• 1:24:03Mark Normand?

  He's got ALS.

• 1:24:05Speaker 05

  Your tour dates look like a fucking ransom note.

• 1:24:07Mark Normand?

  I know, I know.

• 1:24:09Speaker 05

  It looks like.

• 1:24:10Mark Normand?

  This is like a chat GPT printout.

• 1:24:12Speaker 05

  I don't let my Crohn's hold me back.

• 1:24:17Speaker 05

  Go see, well, first off, watch.

• 1:24:19Speaker 07

  Yeah, the special's a big, yeah, special's a big one. Special, January 6th on Mark Norman's YouTube page, watch that.

• 1:24:25Mark Normand?

  Long story thin.

• 1:24:26Speaker 05

  And. He's in the Capitol after, but yeah.

• 1:24:29Speaker 07

  I'm out there, baby. I'm in the, I'm in the streets.

• 1:24:31Speaker 05

  Have you heard of a comma? What is it?

• 1:24:36Speaker 05

  You acted like they're clicking away. No, wait, wait. January 12th, I'll be in Goodbits.

• 1:24:43Speaker 05

  Buddy, believe in your font. Change your font, then your haircut.

• 1:24:47Speaker 07

  I gotta work out my website and.

• 1:24:49Speaker 05

  Sean's a very funny guy. Support the special. His shit's really tight, really funny. Support this. Brackets around, opening for Mark Norman.

• 1:24:57Mark Normand?

  I'll give you some more dates, just so we can.

• 1:24:58Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:24:59Mark Normand?

  End this up a bit.

• 1:25:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, well, all right. Well, yeah, go see the Murph Dog and I'll be at.

• 1:25:08Speaker 05

  See, look at that, professional.

• 1:25:10Mark Normand?

  That's nice, that's nice. I'm back in the clubs, baby. Des Moines.

• 1:25:14Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 1:25:15Mark Normand?

  Brea, right? Before Dave, thank God.

• 1:25:17Speaker 05

  How many days in Brea? Look at you on my birthday.

• 1:25:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, shit.

• 1:25:21Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:25:22Mark Normand?

  Big 78. I'm in, uh, Rob, Bend, Oregon, uh, Ron, Oregon, Grand Ron, some casino, New Brunswick, going to see the Stress Factory. San Antonio, Tulsa, and.

• 1:25:35Speaker 05

  Where are you playing at San Antonio?

• 1:25:36Mark Normand?

  Uh, LOL Comedy Club.

• 1:25:38Speaker 05

  It's good.

• 1:25:39Mark Normand?

  It's a big room.

• 1:25:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, I got, uh. I like it, but the ceiling isn't high enough.

• 1:25:46Sam Morril?

  It's a good Covid room.

• 1:25:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:25:48Sam Morril?

  But, uh, yeah, I gotta... Whoa! I'm work, I'm tightening the screws here for this, uh, Omaha Funny Bone. One of my favorites. January 8th through 10th. Love you, Colleen. I got the DC Improv. Never played it. January 16th through 18th. Never? Never played it.

• 1:26:01Speaker 05

  Whoa, I'm gonna love it.

• 1:26:02Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I got... Added night at, uh, Zany's there. Gonna tighten it there. And then we got, uh, we got Stanford, Connecticut, and the Providence Comedy Connection the following weekend. That'll be up.

• 1:26:12Speaker 05

  Whoa!

• 1:26:13Mark Normand?

  Hey! Happy New Year!

• 1:26:15Sam Morril?

  Tampa Theater, uh, February 27th. Gonna add the 26th as well, so that should be on sale now, I guess. So, uh, that's the special. Hope I see you in Tampa, guys. Love you, love you, Florida. Happy New Year.

• 1:26:26Mark Normand?

  Happy New Year!

• 1:26:27Sam Morril?

  We love you, guys. And, uh, buy some bodega cat.

• 1:26:30Mark Normand?

  Buy some bodega cat. Thank you, Matty.

• 1:26:32Sam Morril?

  Thank you, Matty. Matty!

• 1:26:34Mark Normand?

  Oh, it didn't work.

• 1:26:35Sam Morril?

  Oh, misfire.

• 1:26:36Mark Normand?

  Usually, you got one each. Ah, shit.

• 1:26:40Sam Morril?

  Oh!

• 1:26:40Mark Normand?

  Hey! That thing is loud.

• 1:26:42Sam Morril?

  Nice.

• 1:26:43Mark Normand?

  Ah, fuck my ass, I can't get anything.

• 1:26:46Sam Morril?

  Let me pull out my gun.

• 1:26:49Mark Normand?

  Damn, it was like me in the riz, I couldn't get it off.

• 1:26:52Sam Morril?

  Great app. Watch this guy's special. See Dave on the road. Yeah, check out his special, everybody. And, uh, uh, we love you, guys. Happy New Year.

• 1:26:59Mark Normand?

  Happy New Year!

• 1:27:46Speaker 08

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