“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”

Full Video Available on YouTube @JamieKernLimaOfficial. Are You Ready to believe in YOU?🙌 jamiekernlima.com 👈 Sign up for my FREE Inspirational Newsletter here and you’ll ALSO get special prompt questions to help you grow in your self-worth-building that pair with each episode!🩷 Make sure to click the “Follow” button for the show on your favorite podcast app, so you’ll be the first to get each episode! ____ Get ready to take your power back, and gain control over your emotions and your life. Mel Robbins says 2 simple words can help you do that, “Let Them!” Mel’s “Let Them” Theory is her POWERFUL tool you can use TODAY to stop losing so much time trying to control others, which then actually gives you so much more control of your own life back! Mel says we have no idea how much time we’re wasting trying to control people, things and situations and that if we simply “let them” it can truly change our lives. I can’t wait to hear your revelations from this episode and what you are able to release in your own life after listening. My friend Mel Robbins has one of the most popular podcasts in the world, called the Mel Robbins podcast, she is a New York Times best-selling author, she has seven #1 audiobooks on Audible, billions of views of her videos online, and is one of the most respected experts in the world on mindset, motivation, and behavior change thanks to her science-backed tools and relatable advice that has impacted the lives of the millions of people who follow her across 194 countries! Her brand new book The Let Them Theory is available now, make sure to pick up your copy! Episode Reflection Questions for YOU: Jamie writes prompt questions each episode to spark revelations in your self-worth journey and help you apply the tools and lessons from each episode into your real life right now. Please make sure you’re signed up for Jamie’s free inspirational newsletter jamiekernlima.com 👈 Get my new book WORTHY plus FREE Bonus gifts including a 95+ page Worthy Workbook and more at WorthyBook.com For more resources related to today’s episode, click here https://jamiekernlima.com/show/ for the podcast episode page. Chapters: 0:00 Welcome to The Jamie Kern Lima Show 8:30 - The “Let Them” Theory 17:31 - What Happens When You “Let Them” 19:45 - You Can’t Make People Like You 25:03 - You Can't Heal Another Person 27:34 - Supporting Someone In A Toxic Relationship 34:02 - Take Responsibility For Yourself 37:41 - Our Behavior Is The Truth Of Who We Are It’s such an honor to share this podcast together with you. And please note: I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. This episode of The Jamie Kern Lima Show was filmed & produced by Impact Theory Studios: https://impacttheory.com/ Click Here to Subscribe to the YouTube Channel Follow me here: Instagram TikTok Facebook Website — Sign up for my inspirational newsletter for YOU at: jamiekernlima.com — Looking for my books on Amazon? Here they are! WORTHY Believe IT

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jamie Kern Lima?

  These two words will change your life. Let them. You are not going to want to miss this brand new episode of The Jamie Kern Lima Show with Mel Robbins. Already, this is like new, cutting edge, and already Mel Robbins. The millions of people freaking out over this, spreading it everywhere. So...

• 0:24Speaker 01

  Let them. If your friends want to judge what you post on social media, let them. If your parents don't want to come visit for Thanksgiving, let them. If your neighbors get together and they don't include your family, let them. If the city that you live in decides to do a big construction project and it creates a tremendous amount of traffic for you at the dumbest month of the year, let them. You have no clue how much time and energy you are wasting trying to control other people or things that you have no control over.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  You will gain more control in your life the less you try to control other people. I started to develop this theory. Wow. The more that I just let them, I let adults be adults, I let other people live their lives, the more control I feel. Because when you're so busy controlling other people, you actually don't see who they are.

• 1:29Speaker 02

  Mel Robbins is the host of one of the top-ranked podcasts in the world. Her books on finding motivation and success have sold millions of copies.

• 1:37Speaker 03

  One of the most trusted experts in the world on confidence.

• 1:40Speaker 04

  She's written three bestselling books.

• 1:41Speaker 05

  New York Times bestselling author and host of the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 1:45Speaker 06

  Life coach and motivational speaker.

• 1:47Speaker 05

  A dear friend who we are so proud of, all you have built and done, Mel.

• 1:52Jamie Kern Lima?

  Welcome to the Jamie Kern. Lima Show. Are you crying? Yes. You're crying already. Yes. You're crying already. Because, um...

• 2:04Jamie Kern Lima?

  Before we jump into this episode, I'd love to invite you to join this community to hear more interviews and one-on-one conversations with me and you to help you truly believe in yourself, trust yourself, and know you are enough so that you can become unstoppable in living your best life. I love your support. It's incredible to see your comments and how many of you are, you know, sharing these episodes with everyone else. And I'm just so grateful to be here for you and I'm so excited to go on this journey with you. It means so much to me.

• 2:41Jamie Kern Lima?

  Who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious and so is self-belief. And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's also a love letter to you, delivered straight to your inbox each and every Tuesday morning from me. If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiekernlima.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your One-on-One With Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you. If you're tired of hearing

• 3:24Jamie Kern Lima?

  the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy, and love hitting your inbox, I'm your girl. Subscribe at jamiekernlima.com or in the link in the show notes. In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams. You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy: How to Believe You Are Enough and Transform Your Life for You. If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you.

• 4:07Jamie Kern Lima?

  In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love, unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt, and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness, overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome, achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them, and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable

• 4:49Jamie Kern Lima?

  self-worth. Get your copy of Worthy, plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy.

• 5:10Speaker 02

  Jamie Kern Lima is her name.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  Everybody needs Jamie Kern Lima in their life. Jamie Kern Lima.

• 5:19Jamie Kern Lima?

  Jamie, you're so inspiring. Jamie Kern Lima. Mel Robbins says you can change your life, and she will show you how. Mel has one of the most popular podcasts in the world called The Mel Robbins Podcast. She's a New York Times bestselling author. She has seven number one audiobooks on Audible, billions of views of her videos online, and is one of the most respected experts in the world of mindset, motivation, and behavior change, thanks to her science-backed tools and relatable advice that has impacted the lives of millions of people who follow her across 194 countries.

• 6:03Jamie Kern Lima?

  She lives in Vermont with her husband of 26 years, Chris, and their three kids. She's also my dear friend, a really great roommate on trips, one of my favorite people to have at slumber parties, and the best wedding singer I've ever had the privilege of hearing in person. Mel Robbins, welcome to the Jamie Kern Lima Show.

• 6:27Jamie Kern Lima?

  This is like new, cutting-edge, and already Mel Robbins, the millions of people freaking out over this, spreading it everywhere. So, and I want to talk about anxiety and tips to heal it for everyone listening and watching who maybe deals with anxiety, or fear, or control issues. Two words, two words, and a theory behind them is been life-changing for a lot of people. Will you share about the let-them theory?

• 7:06Speaker 01

  Yes. So, the let-them theory is something that I just came up with in the last couple of months. And it is, I think, the most powerful thing I've ever stumbled upon. And I've learned some pretty incredible things in my lifetime from other people, from the power of something like the five-second rule and prioritizing action. But the let-them theory is at an entirely different level. And the let-them theory on the surface is extremely simple. And here's how it works.

• 7:51Speaker 01

  Let them. If your friends want to judge what you post on social media, let them. If your parents don't want to come visit for Thanksgiving, let them. If your neighbors get together and they don't include your family, let them. If the city that you live in decides to do a big construction project and it creates a tremendous amount of traffic for you at the dumbest month of the year, let them.

• 8:25Speaker 01

  You have no clue how much time and energy you are wasting trying to control other people or things that you have no control over. And I was so guilty of this. And it is so easy to read something on Instagram, "I don't care what other people think", and then regurgitate it like it's some sort of philosophy that you have, when really, you actually do care a lot.

• 8:51Speaker 01

  Let them is a tool that encapsulates the truth about relationships and the truth about control.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  You will gain more control in your life the less you try to control other people.

• 9:16Speaker 01

  And this is a learned behavior. This is something you learned because your parents, like, "Parents, your job is to keep your kids safe. Your job is to, you know, teach your kids how to make decisions. Your job is to set boundaries for your children so that they can grow up and become independent human beings." But your frame of reference when you are a kid is all about the adults around you. And because, as a kid, you don't know why mommy's mad, so you think you're the reason why mommy's mad. So you then make it your job to make sure mommy's not mad. Or you sit there and say, "Something must be wrong with me when mommy's mad." And so that's why you get so obsessed

• 10:01Speaker 01

  with trying to control the states of emotion and what other people are doing or not doing. Because you think what everybody else is doing has something to do with you or means something about you, and it means nothing about you. And the reason why...

• 10:18Speaker 01

  And the story for how I discovered it, I would love to tell it because I think it'll kind of put you at the scene at just how dumb we are. And how prevalent this is in your life. And so it is, um, I'm setting the scene for where I discovered this. So it was our son's junior prom in high school. And having already gone through four high school proms with our two daughters, I thought, this is gonna be cakewalk, man. There are no spray tans, there's no blowouts, there's no like 55 dresses. I'm gonna save some money. Oh my god, this is gonna be amazing. It was the worst. He was way worse because he didn't communicate anything, Jamie. First of all, he's not going. Then he's going with a group of guys. Then we live in the middle of Vermont, where the hell are we gonna buy a tux?

• 10:59Speaker 01

  Then all of a sudden, he decides he wants Stan Smith Adidas Edition sneakers. I gotta track him down, we gotta have him overnighted. Uh, now he's asking a date, some chick he doesn't even know, so then there's that whole thing. This all happens, by the way, in the five days before the prom. So we're leaving to go to that pre-prom party that people tend to have where you show up at somebody's house and everybody's taking photos. And, um, we arrive and we walk in and I'm already on edge because our son has been like, imagine trying to wrestle a grizzly bear to the ground and get him into a tuxedo? And then get him into the car?

• 11:43Speaker 01

  When I realize in hindsight, he's just nervous, but now I'm annoyed and I'm stressed out. And so we get to this thing, he makes a beeline for all of his friends, does not introduce us to his date. Everybody's really awkward, uh, in terms of the kids, but they all look fantastic. About 20 minutes in, we're settling down, I'm starting to feel a little less on edge. And out of nowhere, I'm talking nowhere, this is like a freak mountain storm, it starts to rain sideways. There's not a single person that has an umbrella or a raincoat. Now it starts to hail. The umbrella on the deck goes tumbling off to the right. And all the parents are now circling, right? And murmuring, and what's gonna happen?

• 12:27Speaker 01

  And I, and I walk over to Oakley, and I tap him on the shoulder. And I'm like, Oak, what are you guys doing for dinner? Cause it's 4:30 in the afternoon. The prom starts at 7:00. Clearly, they have a dinner plan, right? He kinda shrugs his shoulders, like, I don't know. I'm like, what? You, you, you don't have a reservation for dinner? It's the prom, dude. But I don't know what we're doing. Wait, do you want me to call the inn? Do you want me to do this?

• 12:53Speaker 01

  He's like, Mom. It's, it's, and I, and I start ramping up.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  In my, you know, like, I'm gonna fix a situation for him.

• 13:02Speaker 01

  So, he's talking to his friends. I'm on my phone, trying to find a reservation. There isn't a reservation anywhere in our small town, because obviously, other people had thought about this. Doesn't seem like any of the other kids in this group have a reservation either. And all of a sudden, they start walking toward the door. No coats, no raincoats. Uh, like, it is raining sideways, Jamie. She is gonna ruin her dress, her hair, her makeup, his sneakers destroyed, the rented tux out. That, like, I'm just like, bah! All the other parents, where are you guys going? I think we're gonna go to the cilantro bowl.

• 13:37Speaker 01

  And that's when all the parents are now like, we're looking to repeat this, we're gonna do this. Everyone's controlling the situation. It's complete chaos. We've all been in this kind of moment. Our daughter, Kendall, who we've just been talking about, was home for the weekend.

• 13:53Speaker 01

  She gently reaches over, and she grabs my arm. And she shakes it. And she says, Mom, let them.

• 14:02Speaker 01

  I'm like, what? What do you mean, let them? I'm like, on the phone, on hold, trying to... Let them what? Let them go to the cilantro bowl. But, but it's raining, but it's small, but it's like a small... They're not even... Let them go to a small place that can't fit in. But, but he's gonna ruin his shoe... Let him ruin his shoes. But her dress? Let her ruin her dress. Mom, it's their prom, not yours. Let them.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  And it was something about that moment and her repeating those words and repeating those words and repeating those two words, let them, let them, let them, let them. And her hand on my bicep that made me just de-escalate internally. And as I started to de-escalate internally and kind of just let them and let them do and not need to control it, my thinking came back online and I thought, why do I care? Why am I not making a reservation for myself for dinner? Who cares?

• 15:10Speaker 01

  Why, why, why am I doing this to myself? And so I walk up to Oak and I tap him on the shoulder and he turns around and he's like, "What?" Like, "Here's 20 bucks, go have fun." And this huge smile like lit up his face and right out the door into the sideways rain they went, trashing his shoes and her dress. It was adorable. And over the course of the next couple of weeks, I couldn't believe how often I had the experience for myself where I was getting hooked by what other people are doing.

• 15:53Speaker 01

  Why is a celebrity promoting this thing? Why is this happening? Why can't we do it this way? Why is the government doing this? Why is the traffic doing this? Why are my friends having lunch and they didn't invite me? Why this? Why that? Like, all of this time and energy getting cooked up about my opinions about what other people are doing or not doing, or my expectations about how things should be done. "Oh, the schools should be..." "You got, you got a lot of let-thems that you need to bring into the school." "The teachers should be..." And so what happened is I started to develop this theory. Wow.

• 16:34Speaker 01

  The more that I just let them, I let adults be adults. I let other people live their lives. The more that I let them and I, and I just drop this obsession with controlling things around me or having an opinion about it, which is a way of controlling, the more control I feel. And so I put out a, a reel and just, it was like 60 seconds. It's like, if friends are going out to lunch without you, let them. If you're, uh, throw a birthday party and a bunch of people come and all the popular people leave early to go do their own thing, let them. Why?

• 17:18Speaker 01

  Because when you let them, you are allowing adults to be adults. And you are allowing people to reveal who they are.

• 17:31Speaker 01

  And that's really important. Because when you're so busy controlling other people, you actually don't see who they are. And when you can give up control and you can let adults be adults, Jamie, and there's a bunch of rules that I can now teach you about what we get wrong about relationships. But when you let adults be adults,

• 17:53Speaker 01

  because number one, you cannot make another adult do anything they don't want to do. Period. And you think you can. And it's not true.

• 18:05Speaker 01

  Adults only do what they feel like doing. The second thing, there is nothing you can do to make another adult change. Why? Rule number one. Adults only do what adults feel like doing. This is why you cannot make somebody get sober. This is why you cannot want somebody's dreams for them more than they want it for themselves. This is why you can't get somebody to be nicer or get somebody to work harder. Why? Because adults only do what adults feel like doing. And you can't do anything to change someone. Here's another thing you can't make adults do. You cannot make another adult like you.

• 18:46Speaker 01

  You cannot make another adult love you. And you are wasting too much time and energy presuming that people are gonna love you the same way that you love them. Or presuming that there is some different way that you can show up or do or text in a certain cated and twist yourself in knots so that somebody else likes you?

• 19:08Speaker 01

  Think about the time and energy that you're wasting there. Especially when you really grasp the truth. That adults only do what adults feel like doing. And this is the real power of the let them theory.

• 19:26Speaker 01

  When you let somebody else live their life, you have to look in the mirror. And you have to confront where you are in your life. And if your friends are not inviting you to lunch, it is not their responsibility to include you. Your life, your friendships, your happiness, your responsibility. And if it bothers you that much, instead of sending that passive aggressive text, "I saw you guys over lunch, would've been nice to have been included", or bitching about them to other people, how about you look in the mirror and you say to yourself, "Well, if I actually want friendships like that, maybe I should plan the lunch.

• 20:07Speaker 01

  Maybe these people aren't my friends after all. And if I want friendships that feel good, it's my job to create it. And what part of myself do I have to confront in order to take responsibility for creating what I want? See, nobody else is responsible for the life that you want. You have to create it. And the more time you waste going, "Oh, but my friends, oh, but my boss, oh, but my this",

• 20:33Speaker 01

  the less likely you're gonna do it. That's a let them theory.

• 20:38Jamie Kern Lima?

  Two big things.

• 20:41Jamie Kern Lima?

  The less you try to control other people, the more control you have in your own life.

• 20:47Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 20:48Jamie Kern Lima?

  Huge.

• 20:49Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 20:49Jamie Kern Lima?

  Huge. And you can't change another person. If you want them to change more than they want to change, it never works.

• 20:57Speaker 01

  I mean, everybody listening knows somebody that has been in that category of struggling and struggling and struggling and struggling, and you try everything you possibly can. And your life then becomes about rescuing that person.

• 21:13Jamie Kern Lima?

  There's so much more coming up in this episode. You are not going to want to miss it. But first, I wanted to share this with you. In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams. You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy: How to Believe You Are Enough and Transform Your Life for You. If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you. In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring

• 21:53Jamie Kern Lima?

  life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love, unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt, and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness, overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome, achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them, and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth. Get your copy of Worthy, plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you

• 22:37Jamie Kern Lima?

  at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy.

• 22:52Jamie Kern Lima?

  Who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious. And so is self-belief. And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration. Which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter. That's also a love letter to you, delivered straight to your inbox each and every Tuesday morning from me. If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiekernlima.com to make sure you're on the list. And you'll get your one-on-one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you.

• 23:32Jamie Kern Lima?

  If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy and love hitting your inbox. I'm your girl. Subscribe at jamiekernlima.com or in the link in the show notes. And now more of this incredible conversation together.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  And I'm not here to say that you just throw your hands in the air. I'm here to say there's a huge difference between offering support and taking responsibility for somebody else's healing. And at some point, the person who needs the healing, or the person who needs to stop feeling sorry for themselves, or the person who needs to confront their addiction and their patterns, they have to take responsibility for wanting to change. And you wanting it more for them, won't make it happen.

• 24:36Speaker 01

  It's true, but I'm just here to tell you the reality. The reality is adults only do what adults feel like doing.

• 24:44Jamie Kern Lima?

  Yeah.

• 24:45Speaker 01

  And you can't make somebody else change. You can help somebody by letting them know how you feel and how their behavior hurts you. You can let somebody know the support that you're going to give. You can let people know your boundaries. I'm not saying it's easy.

• 25:07Jamie Kern Lima?

  I think when it comes to these just difficult situations, right? So many of us have friends we know that are in unhealthy relationships. And

• 25:22Jamie Kern Lima?

  Even in my families, there are people that blame themselves. And they're adults blaming themselves, thinking, "It's my fault that she's in this relationship and won't leave it," or things like that. And so, I just want to go back to this because a lot of people, this might be really freeing for them right now.

• 25:41Speaker 01

  Or confronting, more likely.

• 25:43Jamie Kern Lima?

  Or confronting.

• 25:43Speaker 01

  Because we'd rather make Mel Robbins a bitch than actually look in the mirror and say, "Where can I own my own role in this? And where can I find my power?" It's easier to blame the messenger than to look in the mirror and say, "What can I take responsibility for?" Nowhere did I say, "You're at fault." Fault is a very different word than responsibility. Because when you get into the lane of, "I'm at fault, I'm this, ah," now you're beating yourself up. Now you're insecure. Now you're feeling sorry for yourself. I want you to do something different. I want you to get very clear about what you're sick and tired of

• 26:27Speaker 01

  and what you can take responsibility for.

• 26:30Jamie Kern Lima?

  For the person who says, "Mel, no matter what I do, my friend just stays in this unhealthy marriage," or this unhealthy, and she says she wants out. Or she's, you know, saying, "My friends keep mistreating me," whatever it might be. And she says she wants out. How do you, how do they let them? Without feeling like, "Oh, I'm not doing enough, or I'm looking the other way, or I'm turning a blind eye on abuse," or something like that.

• 27:02Speaker 01

  Excellent question. So, if somebody's in a terrible relationship, what do we know? There's nothing you can say that will make them leave that person if you confront it directly. And the more that you attack the relationship that they're in, the more defensive they're going to be in it, and the more they're going to stay in it. Because they're going to feel like you're attacking them. And so, when it comes to people in your life, and let's just talk about varying degrees, right?

• 27:38Speaker 01

  When there is somebody in your life that's dating somebody, this is just not good for them. You're gonna have to let them. You just have to.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  And the only thing that I have ever found that works in my life, when I have had someone that I deeply care about in clearly the wrong relationship, and I'm talking someone who did this for years, is the more that they feel judged, the more distance it creates between the two of you, the more they hide the reality of what's going on and how they really feel. And so you need to let an adult be an adult.

• 28:28Speaker 01

  You need to let them know the truth of how you feel, and there's a particular way to do it, which is not, "I think your partner sucks, and he's abusing you," and which is going to be very confronting. It's let them know the truth, which is, "I'm worried about you because you don't seem like yourself. How can I support you?" That's what you say. And then what do you need to do, and this is the hardest part, you need to let them.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  "I'm worried about you.

• 28:59Speaker 01

  You don't seem like yourself.

• 29:02Speaker 01

  How can I support you?" And what ends up happening is that over time, since you're holding out the truth, that stays with somebody. And when you get into the very scary situations, I was a trained crisis intervention counselor working a domestic hotline for four years. I am not immune to the realities of the psychological stranglehold that happens inside of an abuse cycle and the very well-documented neurological programming that happens due to the honeymoon abuse cycle

• 29:44Speaker 01

  of horrible abuse, then tremendous apology, then quiet. The intermittent nature of that actually creates more of a trap inside somebody's brain. I get that. And there is nothing...

• 30:02Speaker 01

  That another human being can do when you literally confront it directly to change that fact.

• 30:13Speaker 01

  What you can do is you can let them know, this is where I'm responsible. I'm not responsible for the relationships you're in. I am responsible for telling you the truth and I am responsible for offering support to the extent I want to.

• 30:32Speaker 01

  And that is the truth.

• 30:36Speaker 01

  And we also know, based on research, it's a minimum of seven attempts to leave a abusive relationship for somebody. That's why telling the truth, I'm worried about you. I am here for you. I am here to support you. The second that you are ready to leave, I am here. And I know there's nothing I can do to make you do it. But I want you to know, I love you, you are so strong and I'm here. That is how you handle that. And then you have to let them. Because the more you judge that person as weak, the more you have an opinion about it, the more that you get all wrapped up around it. They can pick up on your energy. They know that you're judging them and that you think that they're weak and you're pathetic

• 31:19Speaker 01

  and you're all this stuff, because that's what your energy is portraying.

• 31:24Speaker 01

  That's why this matters. Do you intervene if somebody is spiraling in a men? Of course you do. You offer the support. That might mean taking away the pills. That might mean driving somebody to rehab. That's the level of support. But that's based on your boundaries and your truth.

• 31:45Jamie Kern Lima?

  The let them theory, especially when it comes to a lot of the examples you gave that we consume our days with, you know? Why didn't he fold the laundry this way?

• 31:58Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 31:58Jamie Kern Lima?

  Why didn't, you know, X, Y, and Z?

• 32:01Speaker 01

  Can we start that one?

• 32:01Jamie Kern Lima?

  Yeah, yeah, let's do it.

• 32:03Speaker 01

  Why didn't he fold the laundry? Why didn't they load the dishwasher? Why didn't they, or in my husband's case? Why did Mel? Why does Mel always stack the cardboard boxes up like a Tetris sculpture? Instead of breaking them down? Like this drove him crazy, because, you know, everybody gets boxes to their house from Amazon. And I hate.

• 32:27Speaker 01

  Having to do that thing where you, you know, you flatten them, you know, for recycling. Okay, at least we have to in Vermont. And I always have this thing where I would like slight, I would like the boxes would come. I'd carry them to the garage and then I'd stack them up. And I have these big plans that I'm going to come back later. And I will do it when I feel like it, right? Because why? Adults only do what they feel like doing. So can Chris change my behavior?

• 32:52Speaker 01

  No. I will change my behavior when I want to change my behavior. Right.

• 32:58Speaker 01

  But here's what Chris can do. Using the let them theory, Chris understands he's got to let me be me.

• 33:06Speaker 01

  He can't make me change.

• 33:09Speaker 01

  What is Chris responsible for? His truth and his boundaries.

• 33:15Speaker 01

  So Chris comes to me and he says,

• 33:18Speaker 01

  "Can I share something with you?" And I'm like, "Sure." He said, "You know, every time I walk into the garage and I see the tower of cardboard boxes waiting for some recycling fairy to come flying in here and flatten them all out, I feel like you think I am your servant.

• 33:43Speaker 01

  And it makes me feel really kind of hurt

• 33:48Speaker 01

  that you think that that's all that I'm here for."

• 33:52Speaker 01

  Now, when Chris shares that,

• 33:56Speaker 01

  I immediately feel terrible. He's not shaming me. He's telling me the truth about how he feels. I don't want him to feel this way. So now, what happens? Because I don't want him to feel this way, I now will flatten the cardboard boxes. Why? Because I want to.

• 34:23Speaker 01

  Does that make sense? And because we don't take the time to recognize that I am not responsible for somebody else's change in behavior. I am responsible for communicating what I feel, what I value, how something impacts me, what I need, what my boundaries are. And then the hardest part is what happens next. Because once you have that communication, "That really hurt me. It would make me feel great if you were to do X. The next time this happens, could you do Y?" The hardest part of a relationship is what happens next. Because now it's back to the other person.

• 35:08Speaker 01

  And you're gonna let them. And here's what's gonna happen. They are revealing to you who they are. If I don't flatten those boxes, it reveals to Chris that I really don't care that he feels that way. And this brings me to another law about human behavior.

• 35:28Speaker 01

  People's behavior is the truest form of communication.

• 35:38Speaker 01

  I can come up with a million excuses, Jamie. "Oh, I'm so busy. I have ADHD. I'll get to it later. I didn't mean to." That's just noise.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  If you actually want to change or you actually care about what the other person just told you, prove it.

• 35:58Speaker 01

  And by not doing it, I am commuting, kiting loud and clear to Chris. I don't care.

• 36:06Speaker 01

  And the hardest thing for us, and this is where the let them theory starts to get really deep, is when you really unhook your emotions, Jamie, and you let adults be adults and you take responsibility for your side of the relationship, which is your truth, your needs, your boundaries, your wants, your... all that kind of stuff. And then somebody reveals their true nature.

• 36:30Speaker 01

  Most of us don't want to face it.

• 36:35Speaker 01

  And so if we go back to somebody who is in a relationship that is very unhealthy, there was somebody who has a narcissistic personality style, there was somebody who's abusive. If you embrace the let them theory and you embrace this rule that you can't change this person and that their behavior is the truth about who they are. Now it's on you

• 37:01Speaker 01

  to really try to separate how you feel and what the other person is saying from the reality of what this other human being

• 37:13Speaker 01

  is showing you through their communication, through their behavior.

• 37:19Speaker 01

  And again, we don't want to look at that. Because then we have to look in the mirror and go, what do I need to take responsibility for? If I take what Mel Robbins is saying and the let them theory is truth, and if I take as truth that

• 37:36Speaker 01

  adults only do what adults feel like doing.

• 37:40Speaker 01

  And if I take as truth, I can't make anybody change, I can't make anybody like me, I can't make anybody love me because adults only do what they feel like doing. And if this person's behavior is the truest communication of who they are and what they care about, now it's on me.

• 38:01Speaker 01

  And I have to make a decision, an incredibly hard decision, a decision that goes against all of the neurological programming that has happened in this relationship. A decision that will have to make me confront the things about myself that I don't want to confront because I'm responsible for what happens next, regardless of all the stuff that went down.

• 38:25Speaker 01

  And that's why I say you are always capable of changing for the better.

• 38:35Jamie Kern Lima?

  Mel Robbins, I love you. I am grateful for our friendship.

• 38:41Speaker 01

  I am so proud to call you my friend. I love you.

• 38:47Jamie Kern Lima?

  I love you. Thank you. I have one more thing to share with you, but before I do, if you got value out of this episode, my only ask is that you please share it. Share it with another person in your life who could benefit from it. Post it and share it with others online or in your community who just might need the words and tools and lessons in this episode today. You never know whose life you're meant to change today by sharing this episode. And thank you so much for joining me today. And before you go, I want to share some words with you that couldn't

• 39:24Jamie Kern Lima?

  be more true. You, right now, exactly as you are, are enough and fully worthy. You're worthy of your greatest hopes, your wildest dreams, and all the unconditional love in the world. And it is an honor to welcome you to each episode of the Jamie Kern Lima Show. Here, I hope you'll come as you are, heal where you need, blossom what you choose, journey toward your calling, and stay as long as you'd like, because you belong here. You are worthy, you are loved, you are love, and I love you. And I cannot wait to join you on the next episode. This is the Jamie Kern Lima Show.

• 40:09Jamie Kern Lima?

  In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams. You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy: How to Believe You Are Enough and Transform Your Life for You. If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you. In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love, unlearn

• 40:50Jamie Kern Lima?

  the lies that lead to self-doubt, and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness.

• 40:57Jamie Kern Lima?

  Overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome? Achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self doubt and unshakable self-worth. Get your copy of Worthy, plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy.

• 41:39Jamie Kern Lima?

  Do you struggle with negative self-talk? Living with a constant mental narrative that you're not good enough is exhausting. I know because I spent most of my life in that habit. The words you say to yourself about yourself are so powerful. And when you learn to take control over your self-talk, it's life-changing. And I wanted to give you a free resource that I created for you if this is something that could benefit your life. It's called Five Ways to Overcome Negative Self-Talk and Build Self-Love. And it's a free how-to guide to overcome that negative self-talk to build confidence

• 42:22Jamie Kern Lima?

  and develop unshakable self-love so that you can dream big and keep going in the pursuit of your goals. Don't let self-sabotaging thoughts hinder your progress any longer. It's time to rewrite the script of your life, one filled with self-love, resilience, and unwavering belief. If you're ready to take charge of your narrative, build unwavering confidence, and empower yourself to persevere on the path to your dreams, you can grab your free guide to Stop Overthinking and Learn to Trust Yourself at jamiekernlima.com/resources or click the link in the show notes below.

• 43:03Jamie Kern Lima?

  This show is presented solely for entertainment purposes only. It's not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, psychotherapist, professional coach, or other qualified professional. I hope you enjoyed this episode and conversation together, and I am so grateful to be on this journey with you. And did you know for every episode of the Jamie Kern Lima Show, there are a set of special prompt questions just for you to help you on your journey of aha moments and revelations in your own life from each episode. Make sure you join my free email newsletter at JamieKernLima.com to get them sent to you each week.

• 43:48Jamie Kern Lima?

  And each episode is meant to be evergreen and packed with timeless life lessons. So you can go back and listen to past episodes you perhaps haven't heard yet as we are going on this incredible journey of building self-worth and living our best lives together.