The #1 Method To Defuse Any Argument & Have Hard Conversations That Will Change Your Life w/ Trial Lawyer Jefferson Fisher

I'm going on tour! Come see The School of Greatness LIVE in person! Get my new book Make Money Easy here! In a world where heated arguments and misunderstandings ruin our relationships, trial lawyer and communication expert Jefferson Fisher returns to the School of Greatness to reveal the art of meaningful conversation. Sharing insights from his new book "The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More," Fisher unpacks his powerful three-part framework for transformative communication: control, confidence, and connection. Through vulnerable personal examples, including his own struggles with defensive reactions, he illustrates how mastering these elements can heal relationships and prevent unnecessary conflicts. This episode offers game-changing strategies for anyone looking to enhance their personal and professional relationships, particularly those who find themselves caught in recurring arguments or struggling to have difficult conversations. Jefferson’s new book The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk MoreIn this episode you will learn:Why winning an argument actually means losing connection, credibility, and trustThe three-step formula for delivering a genuine apology that truly heals relationshipsHow to use "frames" to transform difficult conversations into productive dialoguesThe power of saying "Tell me more" and why it's transformative in emotional conversationsWhy clear agreements, not assumptions, are the foundation of successful relationshipsFor more information go to https://www.lewishowes.com/1737For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Erwin McManus – greatness.lnk.to/1731SCVanessa Van Edwards – greatness.lnk.to/1231SCMel Robbins – greatness.lnk.to/1710SC Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back my friend. Today is a blessed day and I'm so grateful that you're here listening to this episode. And if you're looking for the keys to navigating challenging discussions, speaking with control, speaking with confidence, building connections so that you can really elevate your relationships to a whole nother level, then this is the episode for you because we've got Jefferson's Fisher back, who is about to dive deep into the art of effective communication during difficult conversations. We're going to reveal so many powerful key lessons in here. And I would love you to share this with one friend that you want to see continue to elevate in their life. So just copy and paste the link

• 0:41Lewis Howes?

  to this episode, text it to a friend, post it on social media. If you want to see your friends and family win and succeed in life, and also just have better conversations in life, so they can communicate what they want more effectively and be inspired in their lives to create more than this episode is for you and for them. Again, gonna be powerful. I'm excited. Before we dive in, big announcement, we have the Make Money Easy Book Tour and School of Greatness Podcast Tour happening at the same time. So it's a two for one. We're going to seven cities in 10 days. My new book is out, March 18th, it drops. It's called Make Money Easy, Create Financial Freedom and Live a Richer Life. And if you have not

• 1:26Lewis Howes?

  bought your ticket yet, go to the link in the description here on this podcast, or go to lewishouse.com/tour and you'll see a link to preorder the book, but also to check out one of the events. We're going to Austin, Texas, New York City, Boston, Nashville, Los Angeles, San Francisco, and San Diego. So if you live in those areas, make sure to get a ticket, bring some friends and family, and I'd love to see you at our event. It'll be a two for one, a book tour, talking about the book, and we're bringing surprise special guests to do an episode of the podcast on each stop as well. So again, go to lewishouse.com/tour for that. And I am just so grateful for you for being here today. We have a big, big

• 2:11Lewis Howes?

  episode. So let's go ahead and dive in right now. Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. Excited about our guest. He is back. Jefferson Fisher in the house with a new book called The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More. Very excited about this, man. Welcome back to the show.

• 2:28Jefferson Fisher?

  Thanks for having me back, Liz.

• 2:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, man. You are a, you're a leading voice as a, as a trial lawyer, but also speaker and authoritative figure on how to really effectively communicate better. And a lot of people struggle specifically in intimate relationships. And when I mean intimate, I'm not only talking romantic, but family and friends, I feel like are also intimate relationships. And I just feel like there's a lot of conflict where people have lost the ability and the art to open their heart, listen to someone with a different opinion or a different belief, not get triggered emotionally, and be able to respond calmly when they disagree with someone. And you have seemed to educate and

• 3:14Lewis Howes?

  teach people on how to do this so effectively in your, in your content and the way you share these messages online and in your book. And I guess my first question for you is, it just seems impossible for people to navigate these arguments. And it's almost like I either have to give in to keep the peace when someone has a different belief. I don't want to speak up to rock the boat, or I have to speak up and then have this conflict with someone I care about. How can we start to navigate with intimate relationships, loved ones, friends, family, our partner, when we have different beliefs without rocking the boat?

• 3:56Jefferson Fisher?

  Well, that's a great question. And thank you again for having me.

• 3:59Lewis Howes?

  Of course, man.

• 3:59Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, the blessing to be here in front of you again. It is a problem that is not uncommon. It's that default that you want to conflict with someone rather than connect to someone. And the way that you smooth out communication and the way you find connection is there's really three things. And it's the same formula that I want to share in my book and that I write about. It's you say it with control. You say with confidence and you say to connect. And when you can master these three elements, and it's almost a recipe, a formula that I give of how I communicate and how I teach is when you do these and master these, you find that you're going to be able to show up more in effective conversations, especially the difficult ones.

• 4:45Jefferson Fisher?

  Because it's not the last conversation. It's not the last communication. There's always the next one. So when you can master the next conversation, that's when you already have a leg up in the game.

• 4:56Lewis Howes?

  What would you say is the key to any conflict resolution then?

• 5:02Jefferson Fisher?

  Understanding that everybody wants to

• 5:09Jefferson Fisher?

  learn more about you than you think. So what I mean by that is in communication, there is a sense of, I want you to do what I say. And the other person goes, no, I want you to do it. I say, and that's when that fight for control comes. That's when it's a tug of war. That's when you have that, that breakdown. But the line that I have, and it's one of the first things in the book I want, I ask everybody to understand is the person that you see is not the person that you're talking to.

• 5:40Lewis Howes?

  Who are you talking to?

• 5:41Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah. And so it is, I'm talking, I see Lewis, but

• 5:45Lewis Howes?

  But you're talking to a hurt little boy.

• 5:47Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, I mean.

• 5:47Lewis Howes?

  Talking to a hurt little boy who's reactive or who's triggered.

• 5:49Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, and inside we're all kids. Inside we're all kids with, who've, things have been done to us and said to us that we would never tell other people, that we never want to remember and things that, that will always be a very hard road for us to, to find peace in. But that's the, the goal is that you have to understand. I see somebody, but that's not exactly who I'm talking to. Yes, you're, you're talking to your spouse at eight o'clock in the evening. The, the person you see. The person you're talking to is somebody who they got derailed at nine AM from a text from someone who put them in the pad and maybe the person who's bringing you your coffee

• 6:31Jefferson Fisher?

  kinda gave it to you late and seemed not to really care. It's the person you see. The person you're talking to is somebody who is worried about their kids, who is trying to pay a loan. I mean, there's all kinds of different ways of seeing the other person. And it's this concept that everybody knows that there's a surface and a depth to everyone, but it's injecting that into your communication. If you can only be curious enough to find that other person that you don't see, that's where the growth begins.

• 7:00Lewis Howes?

  That's so hard, though, when you're stressed out or you're overwhelmed and someone is like triggered and reactive or defensive or coming back at you. And you're just like, I'm just trying to communicate calmly, but this person's acting like a five-year-old child. When they're an adult, they're grown up, they're grown man, grown woman, they shouldn't be acting this way, especially a loved one. When you're thinking like, I'm pouring into you all the time, I'm sacrificing my life for you and all you gotta do is react to me?

• 7:25Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 7:25Lewis Howes?

  It's like, it's hard to be like, okay, settle down. I know this isn't who you are. It's hard when you're exhausted, right?

• 7:32Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, I find that it is hard. It's way hard. A key is to ask more questions than statements.

• 7:40Lewis Howes?

  What are the three most powerful questions you should ask when someone is overreactive, stressed out, or overwhelmed in an argument or conversation?

• 7:51Jefferson Fisher?

  There's one that I love and it's bar friend Chris Foss. And he says, "Sounds like you have a reason for saying that." I love that question so much. "Sounds like you have a reason for saying that." Because there's always a reason that they have for saying it. And they may not feel comfortable sharing it until you ask that question.

• 8:13Lewis Howes?

  Should you say, "What is that reason?" Or just let it sit?

• 8:16Jefferson Fisher?

  Usually if you let it sit.

• 8:18Lewis Howes?

  They'll say, "Yeah."

• 8:18Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, and they're gonna...

• 8:19Lewis Howes?

  "I'm feeling frustrated. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling stressed."

• 8:22Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 8:23Lewis Howes?

  Whatever it is.

• 8:23Jefferson Fisher?

  Exactly. And this one isn't a question, but it's very close to it. And it's, "Tell me more. What else?" If you had to put that in the question, it would be, "What else?" But "tell me more" is... One of my go-tos because there's always more.

• 8:37Lewis Howes?

  You've got to have such extreme patience to be able to use that because it could go for hours.

• 8:43Jefferson Fisher?

  It can, it can, but that's just, it's, it's that metaphor of you can't pour your glass into a pitcher. That's already full. You gotta let them pour it all out before they'll ever accept anything new and into, you know, their mind.

• 8:58Lewis Howes?

  And what's the third one?

• 9:00Jefferson Fisher?

  The third one would be, are you okay?

• 9:04Jefferson Fisher?

  And you can't do it from a sarcastic point. Yeah, yeah. Are you, you okay? It's, it's a genuine, it's an authentic. Are you okay? Because so many times I, I'm not okay, but if somebody would just ask me, that would make me feel a little bit better.

• 9:21Lewis Howes?

  A little bit better. You know what's interesting? If people could learn the art, because I think it's an art of tell me more. They will have some of the most powerful relationships in their life with the people they can use that with. When I'm in a, a good state and I'm not feeling defensive.

• 9:43Lewis Howes?

  And Martha's having some type of overwhelming moment or something's going on. When I'm able to be there for her and just say, what's going on? Tell me more. And continue, tell me more. Is there anything else? Is there anything else you'd like to say?

• 9:57Jefferson Fisher?

  Right.

• 9:58Lewis Howes?

  Tell me more about how that makes you feel.

• 9:59Jefferson Fisher?

  Yes.

• 10:00Lewis Howes?

  What about, what else? What about this? Tell me more. Until she's able to get it all out and if I can be present and patient, there is so much power in the connection afterwards. And for weeks of just like being able to be there for someone to listen, not trying to fix, not trying to coach, not trying to guide, but just listen and say, tell me more. What else is going on? Is there anything else you want to say? Are you sure? What else? It is so powerful. It will change your relationship for the better. And the hardest part for me is to get out of myself when I'm feeling defensive, to be able to do that for someone else. Cause I feel like, I'm not speaking about Martha, but just in general, I don't, I don't feel like they're doing that for me.

• 10:43Jefferson Fisher?

  It's most impactful, this tell me more. Mindset is especially when the other person is angry.

• 10:50Lewis Howes?

  Oh yeah.

• 10:51Jefferson Fisher?

  If I have a conversation with somebody and they're heated and they're mad at anything, maybe they're mad at me. And I say,

• 10:59Jefferson Fisher?

  Tell me more. They'll tell you more.

• 11:01Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yeah.

• 11:02Jefferson Fisher?

  And then you keep letting go and go. All right. Tell me more. I mean, it's just a, it's therapeutic in a way where you're just taking it in and you're just listening. Uh, the hard part is not grabbing a hook.

• 11:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, of course. We're not doing it where, you know, it's hard to do it when you're upset or you're exhausted or you're angry or you're feeling your emotions. If you're acting like a five-year-old, you know?

• 11:25Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah. We don't ever do that.

• 11:27Lewis Howes?

  Exactly, yeah.

• 11:29Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, of course.

• 11:29Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting, man. Then what do you think is the biggest mistake you see people making today when it comes to having challenging conversations?

• 11:37Jefferson Fisher?

  Not having enough assertiveness in that communication.

• 11:43Lewis Howes?

  Like control, confidence?

• 11:45Jefferson Fisher?

  Yes. You know, you, you have the area of control, controlling yourself. And by controlling yourself and, and understanding your own triggers, you're better to see those triggers in other people. Step two is saying it with confidence, meaning you learn to say things assertively. You say things that are going to make sure they know where you stand, that you say what you mean and mean what you say. That's a whole lot harder for a lot of people because they don't want to step on toes. They don't want to be very direct. They'd rather type it on that keyboard and put it in a YouTube comment than ever say it to your face.

• 12:25Jefferson Fisher?

  I see a lot of that. But I want to, I want to make sure that I give your folks the, what I find to be the number one tool for difficult conversations and how to make sure you have them most effectively is a frame. And so when you can put a frame around a difficult conversation, you take the difficult out of it because it's only difficult because we say it's difficult. I mean, other people could listen in on the conversation, go, well, that's not that bad. You just said X, Y, and Z. But to us internally, we just, we stew on it. And number one on how to have a frame for any difficult conversations is one, you tell them what you want to talk about. It can be as easy as, hey, Louis, I'd like to talk about what you said at dinner, um, on Monday night.

• 13:08Jefferson Fisher?

  Two, this is the big one. You tell them how you want to feel after the conversation.

• 13:14Lewis Howes?

  That's big.

• 13:15Jefferson Fisher?

  Um, and three, you get their buy-in. So it could look like.

• 13:21Jefferson Fisher?

  The first step being, hey, Lewis, I'd love to talk about what the comment you made at the meeting on Tuesday. And at the end of this conversation, I'd love for us to have a better understanding of our priorities, or maybe it's as simple as, and there's nothing I want to solve, or I'm not looking for an answer. I just need you to know this. Simple as that. Does that sound good? Does that work? I mean, that's the buy-in part. That's the three of that all right. They say, yeah. And it's kind of like what you just said. Once you can do that, and you get their buy-in, they go, all right, I can stick, stick with this. Now you have the frame. Now you don't have to talk about anything else. You don't have to say, oh, yeah. And by the way, while we're on this, I have this other complaint that I had, I didn't tell you about.

• 14:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, three months ago.

• 14:02Jefferson Fisher?

  Exactly. Oh, yeah. And hey, by the way, stop doing that. It's, you're very, you're very focused. It's that idea. If you have a million issues to talk about, you're not talking about any issue. You're just saying things to say you said them.

• 14:14Lewis Howes?

  What do you think for women is the most attractive thing in a man and their ability to communicate?

• 14:20Jefferson Fisher?

  Ooh, being generous with your ears, being, being able to listen a whole lot more than you're talking, being able to just find a way to, if they say that something is wrong, that does not automatically mean that they need you to make it right. There are things that has to have a hash out. I am someone that is an internal thinker. You could say something into me, and I'm going to think on it for a while. I'll chew on it. I'm not going to talk out loud.

• 14:49Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 14:50Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 14:50Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man, that's hard for me.

• 14:51Jefferson Fisher?

  And so I, I, I, I don't, I don't process my thoughts that way of just having to talk it out loud the whole time. To me, it, that it wears me down, wears me down. My personality is the more you talk about emotions, sometimes the more I, I start to feel them. I'm extremely sensitive to emotions of others. I have the tendency of like feeling things for them. I have a hard time watching a movie where an awkward moment happens. Like, it just makes me cringe. But it's a good lesson for me. And also understanding that when you can

• 15:32Jefferson Fisher?

  Find ways just to hear the out the emotion without trying to do anything with it. I think is a very valuable skill. I think it's also very attractive to have a lot of patience. And just all things. All things that I just have a whole lot of patience.

• 15:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, man.

• 15:48Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, and that's something that I continually pray for.

• 15:50Lewis Howes?

  You can pray for something, but you gotta act on it too. You gotta create, you could just like give it to me, you gotta create, you gotta learn the skill yourself.

• 15:57Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah. You were given the tools.

• 15:59Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you gotta act on it. A lot of people don't like losing. In life, they don't like losing games, they don't like losing.

• 16:08Jefferson Fisher?

  Anything.

• 16:09Lewis Howes?

  Anything, right? And they don't like losing an argument. But you say in chapter one, to never win an argument. Why is that?

• 16:18Jefferson Fisher?

  When you win an argument, you lose a lot more. Meaning if I say that thing that I know is going to smash, it's. And it feels great.

• 16:28Lewis Howes?

  Ego feels fricking like a zing.

• 16:29Jefferson Fisher?

  You feel like you just.

• 16:31Lewis Howes?

  Got you.

• 16:31Jefferson Fisher?

  Attaboy.

• 16:32Lewis Howes?

  Oh, you're the just home run.

• 16:34Jefferson Fisher?

  You're high fiving everybody down the hall. When you finally hit that zinger there, oh, this is so sweet. Like, and you text it and you want to show the friend like, oh, you see that? Yeah, that's so good. Yeah. And then that lasts. For a glimmer.

• 16:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 16:48Jefferson Fisher?

  I mean, and then you wake up the next day and you look and you go, what an idiot, what I think was gonna happen, what I think was gonna happen.

• 16:55Lewis Howes?

  Just they're gonna love me more?

• 16:56Jefferson Fisher?

  Exactly. This is all gonna be wonderful. So whenever you try to win in an argument, what you really win is their contempt. You know, you, you, you, you win another awkward conversation. Congrats. You know, it's, it's, you, you've won now awkward silence when you pass each other in the kitchen. Congratulations. That's, that's the prize, you know, so when you try to win a conversation, you lose the connection. You, you lose credibility and you lose their trust. And so that's, that's not the point of an argument. It's something to unravel.

• 17:28Lewis Howes?

  What's the best way to create a win-win from an argument?

• 17:31Jefferson Fisher?

  Often when I can immediately come out of the gate. And say. If you can either ask, is this an argument? They'll almost never say no. I mean, I mean, they'll almost always say no. They'll say, no, this is just a conversation.

• 17:45Lewis Howes?

  But if they're yelling or raising their voice, they're getting frustrated.

• 17:47Jefferson Fisher?

  They'll flip it. Almost always a flip it. If you say, is this an argument? They don't want to have, they never, nobody wants to admit they're having or stirring or stemming an argument. They'll say, no, no, I'm just, I'm trying to have a conversation with you. That's when you bring it down. All right. Can, can we have a conversation?

• 18:03Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 18:03Jefferson Fisher?

  With you? And now you're like slowly bringing them down in that moment. So when you want to win, win, it is, one, you need to slow down the time. You can add distance between what they said and how you respond. Like some conversations, we're, we're dealing with conversations that cost a hundred dollars. That's a big conversation, but yet we're giving it a penny of our time. That's, that's just not, you have an imbalance there. Or when I'm trying to have a conversation with you on my timeframe, not yours. Hey, you got five minutes? I have this, I have this huge thing that's been on my mind for the last 12 hours and you haven't thought it about it for a second. I want to talk about it right now. Ready, go. Like,

• 18:46Jefferson Fisher?

  you're not even at the same playing field when that happens. So the win-win is when you can balance out. Don't, don't try to have, you're at 80% and I'm at 20% feeling in my energy and yet I'm still expecting you to show up and carry the load. That's not fair.

• 19:06Lewis Howes?

  And how can someone communicate with someone else to get exactly what they want without being manipulative?

• 19:13Jefferson Fisher?

  Hmm. Getting exactly what they want?

• 19:18Jefferson Fisher?

  You know, one thing that you said in the first episode that I loved, which I love that this is my second time here. So much has happened since.

• 19:25Lewis Howes?

  That's crazy, man.

• 19:26Jefferson Fisher?

  What's the chance?

• 19:27Lewis Howes?

  Oh, that's so good.

• 19:28Jefferson Fisher?

  It is so good.

• 19:29Lewis Howes?

  So good.

• 19:30Jefferson Fisher?

  And I.

• 19:32Lewis Howes?

  Paul Evans taught me that like 15 years ago.

• 19:34Jefferson Fisher?

  It's such a good one. And it's one I definitely added to my list of just like, man, that's so, it's, it's just asking if there could ever be the possibility.

• 19:44Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 19:45Jefferson Fisher?

  Of this to happen. I'm not trying to manipulate you. I'm not trying to do anything. And the thing is people will find a way to do it. Another one that I love, again, this is Chris Foss. I just, once you find like a collection of people, they're like, I love what they're doing, is I need, I need, I need a miracle.

• 20:01Lewis Howes?

  I need a miracle right now.

• 20:02Jefferson Fisher?

  I need a miracle.

• 20:02Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 20:03Jefferson Fisher?

  And I did that.

• 20:06Jefferson Fisher?

  I used this, I was at Target and we were shop, uh, shopping and uh, I, I wanted ice cream so bad. So we got little bitty pints of ice cream, but there's no spoon. They didn't sell spoons and so, but we passed the Starbucks at Target. And she was like, no, no, no, you need to buy some, uh, it's my wife saying, you need to buy something before you need to like.

• 20:28Lewis Howes?

  Steal that spoon.

• 20:29Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, the spoons are back there. And so I, I went up and I was like, I need a miracle. She goes, well, I don't know what I can do for you. I said, uh, but I'll try. I said, I got ice cream, but no spoon. And she said, I got it right here. Answered a prayer, gave, and gave me, and gave me two spoons. And that was just playful, but.

• 20:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's cool, man.

• 20:48Jefferson Fisher?

  I, I need a miracle.

• 20:49Lewis Howes?

  That's great.

• 20:50Jefferson Fisher?

  People, people love to, um, give more than you expect.

• 20:54Lewis Howes?

  They want to be the hero.

• 20:55Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 20:55Lewis Howes?

  That's when I, you know, when I said that it was, I feel like these three words are the most powerful words to get anything you want besides, I love you. And that's what's the chance? Like we talked about, what's the chance? And the more you can come from a mindset of what's the chance? You can help me out with this. What's the chance I can get an upgrade in this hotel? What's the chance you can get me to first class? What's the chance I can get a discount on this right now? What's the chance you can give me half off? You may not get exactly what you want, but you're creating a playful, open connection with someone. Like you said, what's, what's the chance? Or I need a miracle. Can you help give me a spoon right now so I can eat this ice cream with my kid?

• 21:37Lewis Howes?

  You're creating an open heart and a playful way of being to allow for goodness to come to your life. It's not being manipulative, but it's creating an opening for miracles to occur. Even those little mini miracles that just make life enjoyable.

• 21:55Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, just a little bitty thing.

• 21:56Lewis Howes?

  And if you can say, what's the chance? Or I need a miracle. Can you help me out?

• 22:00Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 22:00Lewis Howes?

  Man, you're setting yourself up for success.

• 22:02Jefferson Fisher?

  Every time and you're allowing the other person to rise up to, you know.

• 22:06Lewis Howes?

  Be a hero.

• 22:07Jefferson Fisher?

  Well, to fulfill that, I mean, they, they, they'll make them feel, uh, it's just, it's a mutual. Sense of giving, it's the givers like you talked about. And the reason why what's the chance works too is that it is easy to say without feeling like you're being oppressive. Easy to say, cause it's like, uh, you know?

• 22:25Lewis Howes?

  It's not demanding something.

• 22:26Jefferson Fisher?

  And it's not super direct, it's just a little bit left to center that allows, allows it to feel okay.

• 22:31Lewis Howes?

  You know what Chris Voss told me after this?

• 22:33Jefferson Fisher?

  What's that?

• 22:34Lewis Howes?

  I said, say what's the chance? And I go, what else should I say? And Chris Voss said a really interesting one that's like, it could be a little manipulative, like it could be like, ah, you're like teetering with manipulation. But it is extremely effective as a next step. Is saying, what's the chance you can get me 10% off this right now? If you're at a store, Target, Starbucks, whatever. Can you give me 10% off? What's the chance? If they say no, this is what Chris Voss told me. He said, you can reply with a follow-up. So you're telling me you're powerless? So it's a little, I don't know if it's manipulative or what, but it's like, so you're telling me you're powerless right now and helping me?

• 23:14Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 23:15Lewis Howes?

  And it's kind of like, cause he said, no.

• 23:17Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 23:18Lewis Howes?

  No one wants to say, I am powerless.

• 23:21Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, yeah. Well, when you sound, when you have the voice of Chris Voss.

• 23:25Lewis Howes?

  So you're telling me you're powerless?

• 23:26Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, I'd probably go bury my head in the sand if he told me that.

• 23:29Lewis Howes?

  But it's almost like another level of, okay, we created playfulness. Now this is like, you're putting pressure on the playfulness.

• 23:35Jefferson Fisher?

  Right.

• 23:36Lewis Howes?

  From what's the chance, or I need a miracle, to, to really need something, you're putting that pressure on.

• 23:42Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 23:42Lewis Howes?

  You're saying, so you're telling me you're powerless right now? Then the person behind the counter is like, am I powerless or am I powerful?

• 23:49Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, sir, this is smoothie king.

• 23:52Lewis Howes?

  But it's like, uh, it's, it's interesting though, because if you try it, I don't know if you'd want to try this, but if you try it, so you tell me you're powerless right now? It's interesting, the responses you'll hear from people. Cause people do not want to be powerless. They want to feel powerful and empowered.

• 24:06Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, I could see that. And if you, if you said it from like a playful place.

• 24:09Lewis Howes?

  That's better. Yeah, yeah.

• 24:10Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. But shout out Chris Voss.

• 24:13Lewis Howes?

  Shout out Chris Voss, man, that was a good one. This is a, this is another question I want to ask you. I feel like I. I've probably been in more arguments than I wish in my life, where I needed to apologize afterwards, where it's like an hour or a day later, I was like, ah, man, I was a jerk. Or I reacted, or I overreacted, right? I let my childhood wounds get the best of me and I responded from a fire flight. So what's the best way to apologize to someone after you said something that you really didn't mean in the heat of the moment?

• 24:41Jefferson Fisher?

  Hmm.

• 24:44Jefferson Fisher?

  The formula that I teach is one, the apology. This is the, I'm sorry. This is the, I apologize. Two is acknowledging how they felt by it, or how they would feel by it. That's as simple as, I can understand why that's upsetting. I can see how that hurt you. I can see that that was thoughtless of me. So it's relating it, it's acknowledging the feeling. What you're seeing in that moment is how you feel is reasonable. How you reacted justified. That is extremely comforting to the other person. And lastly, in three, is the next step.

• 25:29Jefferson Fisher?

  The, I, next time, I'm going to get your permission before I do X, Y, and Z. Or I'm not going to bring this up again. I'm not going to bring that topic, that sensitive trigger, whatever it is, up again. Or now I know. It's showing that there's a future remedy that's been in place. If this isn't going to be continuing, because we've all been in those situations where somebody is, has apologized, but you know they're going to do it again. They've apologized, best intentions, it's still going to fall into the same trap. And so it's just the apology, plain, genuine, authentic, understanding their emotion, and finding acknowledgement in that, and then the, the future step. Those, those help you in many ways.

• 26:15Jefferson Fisher?

  Send the right apology. What you can't do is what we talk about in assertive statements in the book is adding the word but. Uh, if you say, I'm sorry, but you, you did this to me. Or I'm sorry, but you said, you just, anything that came before the word but, you just eliminated it. You deleted it.

• 26:34Lewis Howes?

  You know what I like to do instead? Might be, it might be a little workaround.

• 26:38Jefferson Fisher?

  Do you feel powerless? Does that what you do again?

• 26:42Lewis Howes?

  Because anytime you add but like you said, it kind of eliminates the apology or your acknowledgement of their feelings.

• 26:50Lewis Howes?

  And so I started to say, my workaround.

• 26:55Jefferson Fisher?

  I can't wait for this.

• 26:56Lewis Howes?

  Was, I'm sorry. And I also want to talk about.

• 27:02Jefferson Fisher?

  Just putting and.

• 27:03Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 27:03Jefferson Fisher?

  It actually is better.

• 27:04Lewis Howes?

  It's better.

• 27:05Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 27:05Lewis Howes?

  I'm sorry, I acknowledge it. And I also want to bring this up as well.

• 27:08Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 27:09Lewis Howes?

  You know, it's like, how can, it's kind of a workaround.

• 27:12Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah. I, no, I think it's great.

• 27:14Lewis Howes?

  It's not eliminating something, it's acknowledging and including something else.

• 27:18Jefferson Fisher?

  Well, what you might want to do is instead of including in the same sentence, you need to put a period, enter, enter, enter, tab, then begin that.

• 27:27Lewis Howes?

  Wait like thirty seconds?

• 27:28Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, then begin that next line.

• 27:30Lewis Howes?

  Exactly, not in the middle of it.

• 27:31Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, but the, the worst is the people who add the, the bad apology.

• 27:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:35Jefferson Fisher?

  That's the kind of stuff that can just water you down.

• 27:40Lewis Howes?

  And what should we do or say when someone gives us an insincere or inauthentic apology?

• 27:45Jefferson Fisher?

  I think you should call it out every single time. Don't let a single bad apology slide under your door. Uh, when somebody says, well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you feel that way. I'm sorry that you feel that way. It's, don't, don't apologize for my feelings. I apologize for what you said. Apologize for what you did. It's that, don't feel sorry for how I feel. I, I got those. Those are my feelings, not yours. I need you to apologize for what you said. So just take an ownership of that. When they say, well, I'm sorry if I upset you. It's the response of, the, the, it's not if, it's, it's that. I mean, you're having to correct them because it's, that's what it takes. Is a continued correction of people that,

• 28:29Jefferson Fisher?

  understand that they don't want to apologize or they're going to deflect. People who, a toxic apology that's kind of like, well, I'm sorry, I'm such a, I'm a bad friend. Sorry, I'm such a horrible mother. It's it's

• 28:41Lewis Howes?

  Doesn't feel good.

• 28:41Jefferson Fisher?

  No, because they know what they're wanting from you in that moment is, oh, you're not that, no, you're not that terrible. It's not what I said. Oh, yes, you did. You always do. And they're trying to take you down that.

• 28:50Lewis Howes?

  They're trying to blame you.

• 28:51Jefferson Fisher?

  They're trying to pull you down and all of a sudden now you, you need to apologize. Yeah. And instead, it's just the, the key is the understanding of what they're doing. Adding distance and saying, I'll accept an apology. Like just clean, simple, I'll accept an apology and understanding it. What they said isn't, is not one. So it's understanding that definition.

• 29:14Lewis Howes?

  Here's the challenge, I guess. I don't know if this is like a pushback to you or anything, but it's more of like.

• 29:19Lewis Howes?

  I feel there are some people in the world who have very thin skin.

• 29:22Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 29:23Lewis Howes?

  And everything triggers them, even when they're not trying to trigger them. And they almost become victims saying, you hurt me, you hurt me every single day or week, or something that was said or not said. And everything is an attack. Where it can become exhausting for a friend, a family member or a loved one. To feel like, gosh, this person has such thin skin. I'm always needing to apologize.

• 29:46Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 29:46Lewis Howes?

  And most people would never take this personally, and I'm not intending to hurt someone.

• 29:51Jefferson Fisher?

  Right.

• 29:52Lewis Howes?

  So what if you're dealing with someone who is a victim and always trying to get you to apologize for something when you didn't really do anything?

• 30:00Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, there's.

• 30:01Lewis Howes?

  I'm not talking about the intentional, these were really hurtful. You said something nasty to me, but just the weak. Vulnerable. Thin-skinned person who just likes the attention of making someone else need to apologize to them.

• 30:14Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, there are, there are definitely those that use apologies to manipulate. They use these, sometimes crying to manipulate. They know. I mean, it's that my seven-year-old daughter, she knew when she was two, she started crying like.

• 30:27Lewis Howes?

  Get your attention.

• 30:28Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah. And she probably got what she wants. Like, you know, so. Um, it's.

• 30:34Jefferson Fisher?

  It is a easy trap to fall into and somebody has thin skin, you go, God, look, I didn't, it really didn't do anything. Here are my thoughts. One, you can't be the judge of if what you did was truly nothing. So it's a hard, it's a hard road to hoe is what my grandfather would say. You gotta be careful with it. Two, if it becomes a continued habit where this person is always the victim, always, everybody's against her, everybody's against him, the world is never, those are the type of people you just need to get your hands stiff armed slowly away from your inner circle. Add distance

• 31:13Jefferson Fisher?

  between them because there are people that at that point it is a control tactic that is going to start to wear you down. So you gotta, oh, it's draining. People that are just emotional sand traps that they just, they, it's always the you never's, you always, and you go, we've already been through this. I apologize for that when it happened three years ago. So it's, it's a, it's a careful line to walk, but my advice is you need to start to distance yourself from those people. Now, if you really did something, of course, own up to that. And some people are just more sensitive to others in that way, but it's, it's case by case.

• 31:55Lewis Howes?

  Don't get it, what is it? The emotional sand trap? Is that what you call it?

• 31:57Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 31:57Lewis Howes?

  That's a tricky one. And you could get caught up with either childhood friends or intimate relationship you're in for a long time, being caught in this emotional sand trap.

• 32:08Jefferson Fisher?

  It's addictive.

• 32:09Lewis Howes?

  And it's just like, yeah, okay, we make up and we're better for a couple of weeks, but then if I'm not getting the attention, one, I'm going to make you wrong for something and apologize and come give me that attention again. And it's just this cycle.

• 32:18Jefferson Fisher?

  And I had friends that, you know, were with somebody who was like that. And they found that they kind of secretly got some fulfillment out of always being the fixer, always being the crutch. And it most likely, I'm not a therapist, but probably started from their childhood of how they did that with their parents or their, you know, somebody in their life that they were always having to be there as the crutch and the scapegoat for everything. But it is a position of.

• 32:52Jefferson Fisher?

  Truly to bring it full circle, powerlessness, you know, to feel like every time they're taking it away from me and I can't get any traction. I mean, my biggest pet peeve when I'm dealing with, I'm kind of breaking up arguments as an attorney and having to deal with conflict are people who are circular. They can't let it go. They want to bring out that same issue over and over, even in that same conversation or the next time you see them. And you can't, you can't be stuck in that. You're just, you're just on their merry go round is what happens. So you have to have the decision. One time I even advised a client, I had two sisters who were against each other. It was about as fun as it sounds. They were very against each other and I had her lead

• 33:37Jefferson Fisher?

  with, I'm getting off the merry go round. I said, that's what I want you to start with when it comes for your time. I mean, that was the, it was more of a personal thing of like, I need you to let this person know, I'm stepping off, you can step off with me, but we're going to put this issue aside.

• 33:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, or you can keep spinning around by yourself.

• 33:56Jefferson Fisher?

  Exactly.

• 33:56Lewis Howes?

  And I'm removing myself.

• 33:57Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, yeah, that's, now you got it.

• 33:59Lewis Howes?

  Where have you fallen short in the last couple of years with not using your own advice in having control, confidence, or the ability to connect with someone? Where have you gotten flustered and been like, oh, man, I really said the wrong thing. Or I really like, wasn't listening. Or I hurt this relationship by what I, how I reacted. Is there anywhere, or are you just kind of like the perfect communicator?

• 34:24Jefferson Fisher?

  How far from it? In the first basket of saying things with control, it talks, we talk about how the fight or flight affects in your body and how you say, I really want to, you want to say something hurtful. It's because you want to hurt the other person.

• 34:39Lewis Howes?

  You feel like they've hurt you.

• 34:40Jefferson Fisher?

  Exactly.

• 34:41Lewis Howes?

  And you want to get back at them.

• 34:42Jefferson Fisher?

  It's not just a cutting word. It is you are wanting to cut them. It is, that's the fight in it. And so it's truly you wanting to cause pain, to push the threat away. Where I fall short is where I don't do, what I outrun in the book, is you, I forget to take my breath. So when I don't lead with my breath, my first word being my breath, to make sure I'm keeping my analytical, my logical at the forefront of my brain and rather getting emotionally flooded. That's when I say things I regret. That's when I fall into getting defensive. And as soon as you get defensive, you're already starting to weaken your position. You're already starting to lose the more defensive you get.

• 35:24Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 35:24Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 35:25Lewis Howes?

  So how does that work in a, if you're a, you know, a lawyer in court, in trial? When one lawyer is getting defensive, what is that saying to the entire room?

• 35:35Jefferson Fisher?

  Well, there's a difference between advocating and also defending. So you can advocate a position and you can also defend a position. At the same time, you're, you're the converse, you're also advocating for another position. In the legal world, it's a little bit different because you have to follow the law. Can't decide what the law is going to be and you can't decide what your facts are going to be. You can only argue and advocate based upon the cards that you're dealt. And so often we use the terms defendant because maybe the state is pursuing prosecuting a criminal or maybe a plaintiff has sued something against a defendant company in some way. There, there's these terms of defending, but really each side is advocating their particular views.

• 36:18Jefferson Fisher?

  So often when I'm getting defensive, it's because I'm taking things personally. I'm choosing to hold on to something that I have all the ability to let go of at the same time.

• 36:30Lewis Howes?

  That's when, when you're, when you're defensive, you're taking something personally.

• 36:33Jefferson Fisher?

  Yes.

• 36:34Lewis Howes?

  And when you take something personally and you respond from that way of being, what typically happens in a conversation or an argument or a debate?

• 36:43Jefferson Fisher?

  When you decide to take things personally, you're picking up what nobody asked you to carry. And many times if you say, that hurt me, it's because one, you're allowing it to, to hurt you. And in many ways, you're allowing it to hurt you and affect you. And if you carry it for many years, because there's times when somebody said something to you many, many, many years ago, but you still remember it because it still hurts you and it's still stuck with you. The same power that you allow them to hurt you is the same power you have to let it go. You're just still holding on to it. And often it is that process of making sure that you take control of yourself. You have the breath. You're able to regulate your emotions in a way that's going to allow you to continue to

• 37:28Jefferson Fisher?

  in that conversation without getting that fight or flight mixed up and have you lost in the mix.

• 37:33Lewis Howes?

  That brought up a story for me of childhood. You know, people said hurtful things, but when you said that, I remember a different memory. Not what someone said, but what someone did that I held on to for almost like 20 years. And it was like, uh, it was like a, I don't know. It was like a movie playing in my head where I had a, I was playing a character role for 20 years of my life when I felt in fight or flight or when I felt like I needed to get defensive. It's almost like that energy from childhood was my go to until I was able to recognize and heal that energy. And that story is, I told, it's a story I told like maybe 10 years ago, but uh, I don't think I've told it in a long time.

• 38:18Lewis Howes?

  But when I was in, in elementary school, we, uh, was in third grade. The teacher had us go out for recess during, during recess, during lunch on the playground. But whatever reason this day, he said, okay, class, there's probably like 20 or excuse me, about 40 of us in the classroom. He said, okay, class, I'm going to have two captains. I'm going to play dodgeball. And he had two, uh, like boys in the class pick teams one on one. And I remember being really excited. I was like, okay, hopefully I get on this team, right? And they're picking one by one, all the boys in the class first, these two pickers, right? And it comes down to me and another kid who I didn't think was that athletic, right?

• 39:02Lewis Howes?

  But they picked him over me. So I was going to be the last boy picked, but then they skipped me and they started picking all the girls, all the way down to me and one girl. And they picked her and I was the last kid picked in the whole class. And I remember feeling so angry and so like attacked. They didn't say like, oh, you're stupid or you're dumb or whatever, but their actions said it. And for probably 20 years without thinking, I wasn't thinking this story every day, but I was like, People are trying to take advantage of me. People are trying to like pick on me. People are making fun of me. It was kind of like a script playing in my, in my nervous system. Right? I was living life trying to win and prove people wrong.

• 39:47Lewis Howes?

  And it got me incredible results, but it left me feeling very empty and sad and resentful and angry because I was carrying what someone did, not what someone said. And it wasn't until, I don't know, 12 years ago, when I finally let that go. And started living from a space of how do I, not in a perfect way, but how do I create a win-win experience in life, not a win-lose?

• 40:11Jefferson Fisher?

  Yes.

• 40:12Lewis Howes?

  And how do I come from a place of trying to lift others up rather than get back at people that like made fun of me or did something to hurt me?

• 40:21Jefferson Fisher?

  Right.

• 40:22Lewis Howes?

  And it was interesting how my entire life started to change when I let go of that harmful act. And I'd stopped taking it personally.

• 40:31Jefferson Fisher?

  Right.

• 40:32Lewis Howes?

  But most of us hold on to these things for a long time, whether it's something that was said to us or something that was not said to us or done to us. And we take it personally and then we are triggered in conversations where maybe it's not meant to hurt us. But we're triggered easily. So it sounds like we almost need to learn how to heal the stories we were told or the traumas we were received growing up that causes to be reactive in uncomfortable conversations as well.

• 41:01Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, I love, I mean, just letting it go, the easier said than done.

• 41:04Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yeah.

• 41:05Jefferson Fisher?

  But what it happens in conversation, same way, which is a great story and great lesson. I mean, the, what you've been able to go through is that when those things happen versus when it's somebody said it or they did it. You hold on to it and you kind of put it behind your back.

• 41:23Jefferson Fisher?

  You go around life talking to everybody and they don't know what you have back there. But you got something that's been hurting you. And so when somebody's communicating with you and they're saying something that is triggering what you have in your hand. You're reacting and they don't understand it. And so too often.

• 41:38Lewis Howes?

  Like what's going on?

• 41:39Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, yeah. And what you have to do is be able to show them what you got. That's much harder, be able to communicate with that. One of the skills that I teach is it's helpful when you can begin your sentence with, I can tell.

• 41:53Jefferson Fisher?

  I can tell I'm getting defensive. I can tell.

• 41:55Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 41:55Jefferson Fisher?

  I can tell I'm getting sensitive. In argument, in real time, it's incredibly helpful.

• 42:00Lewis Howes?

  What does that do when you speak that you're getting defensive in an argument?

• 42:05Jefferson Fisher?

  All right, what I say is when you claim it, you control it. Meaning when I say I'm getting defensive, I automatically become almost less defensive. At the same time, the other person is understanding in that moment. All right, I'm hitting an area that's going to be a trigger.

• 42:22Lewis Howes?

  What if they start to hold that against you? And they're like, oh, I've got them. Let me just dig in even farther.

• 42:28Jefferson Fisher?

  Well, that's when you have to, when you say it with control, you also act in control. Meaning if I tell you, I can tell I'm getting defensive and they keep pressing, that's when you say, I need to walk away from this conversation.

• 42:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:39Jefferson Fisher?

  I need a timeout.

• 42:40Lewis Howes?

  You remove yourself.

• 42:41Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, but that's much, much better, much smarter, much more powerful than continuing to dig and dig and dig while holding that, that problem, that issue you've always had.

• 42:50Lewis Howes?

  I have a theory and I want you to let me know if you think this is accurate or poke holes with this theory.

• 42:59Jefferson Fisher?

  Okay.

• 43:00Lewis Howes?

  The key to any successful relationship comes down to agreements. Because arguments and more stress is the, the lack of agreements equals the lack of agreements. That's all I think arguments are, are not having clear agreements in place and not sticking to them. And I think your grandparents

• 43:25Lewis Howes?

  speak true to this. How long have they been married for?

• 43:27Jefferson Fisher?

  A long time.

• 43:28Lewis Howes?

  Forty, fifty years or something?

• 43:30Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 43:30Lewis Howes?

  Fifty years and they seem pretty happy. Is that right?

• 43:32Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 43:34Lewis Howes?

  And what you said, I think, holds the theory true, unless there's more to this, that every year they come together at some point and say, are our agreements still working for us?

• 43:46Jefferson Fisher?

  Right.

• 43:47Lewis Howes?

  And here's what I'd like to add to my agreement of how I'm going to show up and what I want you to support with, and vice versa. Can we agree to this, sign it, whether it be physically or spiritually, and then live up to those agreements throughout the year? I feel like when, when agreements or a lack of roles and responsibilities aren't clearly communicated and held up to in any relationship intimately, friends, family, co-working, then that's when there's stress, resentment, frustration, or dis-ease in the relationship. But harmony happens, not perfection, but harmony happens when clear agreements are in place,

• 44:28Lewis Howes?

  which means having challenging conversations sometimes and learning to come together with your three Cs, confidence, control, and connection. But coming into a relationship with a lack of agreements or undefined agreements, just assuming someone else agrees with you based on societal norms or based on whatever it might be, cultural norms, these uncommunicated agreements, but then they're not met and they're not communicated, that's when I think there's a lack of harmony or more friction. It doesn't mean it can't work or can't be a good relationship, but I feel like there's more harmony and love and peace and abundance and joy in relationships

• 45:10Lewis Howes?

  when there are clear agreements and each party lives up to those agreements.

• 45:15Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, I love that. And I think that theory holds true. I really do. And it's, most of the time, you see that people have been together for a long time. Those agreements happen naturally. So you can have a contract that is implicit.

• 45:31Lewis Howes?

  Unspoken agreements.

• 45:32Jefferson Fisher?

  It's not written down.

• 45:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 45:33Jefferson Fisher?

  It's not written down. It's still a contract.

• 45:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 45:37Jefferson Fisher?

  Uh, if I go and mow your lawn, cause you tell me it's an oral contract, you tell me you're gonna pay me and then I mow the lawn, you go, sorry, it's not written down. It's still a contract.

• 45:45Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 45:46Jefferson Fisher?

  So often the people who have been together for a long time, those agreements form naturally. I become the person who takes out the trash. She becomes the person who does X or does Y and because they grow out of habit and routine. Same thing. I, I love the idea of it comes not on assumptions, but on agreements. I find that very powerful.

• 46:09Lewis Howes?

  Way more powerful.

• 46:10Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah. And the big assumption I think that has to be in there though, is you can't assume that it's not going to change. Cause the, um, let's take the grandparents, for example, this yearly thing. People change. So what you wanted in year one is most likely not going to be the thing you want in year 10. Certainly not in year 50.

• 46:34Lewis Howes?

  And seasons change, right? It's like you have kids, you don't have kids, you have money, you have challenges, you have whatever.

• 46:40Jefferson Fisher?

  Yes. And what happens and I mean, when you have kids, most of the time the agreement is kids. You don't agree on each other. And so it, um, now it's a, it's a third party into the, into the contract. You take a whole lot of your time and space and tension for all the better. I mean, it's, it's so, it's beautiful.

• 47:01Lewis Howes?

  If individuals getting into relationships could get out of assumptions and into agreements, they would have a lot less arguments.

• 47:10Jefferson Fisher?

  Oh, that's, yeah, sounds great. Let's just co, co author that both.

• 47:14Lewis Howes?

  But it's true though. I feel like, but why is it so hard to communicate the agreements we want and get out of, oh, I'm, you know, a guy and she's a girl. And so this is, we're just gonna assume that this is the way a relationship is supposed to be. We're assume that the guy is gonna do this, the girl's gonna do this, and we're just, we're gonna love each other this way. As opposed to just having an uncomfortable conversation, doesn't even have to be uncomfortable. It could just be a curious conversation about, hey, this is my intention on how I want to show up. This is who I am and I want to be accepted in my relationship and I want to accept you for who you are.

• 47:49Jefferson Fisher?

  Right.

• 47:50Lewis Howes?

  Can we come to an agreement on how we're going to show up for each other if we get into a relationship? As opposed to just assume that you're supposed to be a certain way, I'm supposed to be a way around everything, around money, kids, religion, career, travel, living, all these different things.

• 48:07Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 48:07Lewis Howes?

  The more clarity we can get around agreements in relationships, the more harmony and peace we will have.

• 48:12Jefferson Fisher?

  Absolutely.

• 48:13Lewis Howes?

  Let's go.

• 48:14Jefferson Fisher?

  Let's go.

• 48:14Lewis Howes?

  That's why people need to read your book.

• 48:16Jefferson Fisher?

  There you go. That's exactly right.

• 48:17Lewis Howes?

  The next conversation, argue less, talk more.

• 48:20Jefferson Fisher?

  And that's what you see on the back end too, by the way, the people that you're not who I thought you were. I thought you would do this. I thought they were that. Well, because you had a lot of assumptions.

• 48:29Lewis Howes?

  Assumptions. Yeah, it's the unspoken, what is it? The unspoken assumptions or expectations, right? It's just like you expect someone to be a certain way. Why do people expect someone to be a certain way? As opposed to just asking them what they're going to be like and say, you know?

• 48:45Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, it's much easier to assume they're going to be exactly who they were and what they are in your head. Same thing with like conversations. If you were not going to have a difficult conversation, I'm going to have that in my head long before I have the talk. And so it goes off the rails when all of a sudden you start to respond, not at all how I had it in my head. Wait, wait, wait. This isn't how it's supposed to go. This isn't how I had it rehearsed in my head. You're supposed to say, I'm sorry. You're supposed to say, I'm right. I mean, it's, and it does not end up that way. And so instead of coming out at the beginning, let's say, using a frame, getting an agreement of this is what I like to talk about and can I get your agreement on not looking to do X, Y, and Z? That's how you're going to have it.

• 49:31Lewis Howes?

  You have mastered a lot of these communication skills through being a lawyer, being a communication coach, a speaker, a content creator, an author, a facilitator. You have practiced these things. You've studied them for masters as well. But where is the area that you struggle with the most when it comes to having conversations?

• 49:54Jefferson Fisher?

  Not trying to control every single outcome. Control is something very comfortable for everybody. We want our kid to do what we think they should do. I want somebody to react how I want them to react. I want somebody to write the email how I would write the email. So it is just a reflection of ourselves. And so I fall into the trap that anybody does.

• 50:20Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 50:20Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, that you, you want, I mean, imagine you really love communication. Somebody sends you an email and you go, God, I wish you would, I wish you would delete that unnecessary apology. Get rid of the word just. You could have made this one sentence. So it's something that I, I see a lot because it's something I'm, I'm passionate about. But yeah, I, I fall into the trap sometimes of.

• 50:44Lewis Howes?

  Controlling an outcome or wanting to control it?

• 50:45Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, wanting, instead of letting it explore itself, it's the patience, it's the not getting defensive, it's the human elements and everything. Yeah.

• 50:55Lewis Howes?

  You struggle on that too, huh?

• 50:57Jefferson Fisher?

  Everybody.

• 50:57Lewis Howes?

  You seem very patient though, very calm, very cool, southern charm.

• 51:00Jefferson Fisher?

  For the most part, yeah.

• 51:01Lewis Howes?

  You know, I.

• 51:01Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 51:02Lewis Howes?

  Sit here all day and listen to you complain.

• 51:04Jefferson Fisher?

  That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 51:05Lewis Howes?

  Tell me more.

• 51:05Jefferson Fisher?

  I got, I got a lot of career stories.

• 51:07Lewis Howes?

  Just complain all day to me. I'm here.

• 51:08Jefferson Fisher?

  Got some sweet tea?

• 51:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, let's go. Yeah, Brandon, sit down. Tell me more.

• 51:12Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

• 51:14Lewis Howes?

  Speaking of, you know, sitting there all day and being in an argument or someone complaining. If you cry in an argument or someone else is crying or starts to cry at some point, what's the best way to respond?

• 51:28Jefferson Fisher?

  When somebody starts to cry, when.

• 51:29Lewis Howes?

  When you're, when you're having an argument or a difficult conversation and all of a sudden you start to cry? Or the person you're arguing with starts to cry?

• 51:37Jefferson Fisher?

  Oh, okay.

• 51:37Lewis Howes?

  What's the best way to respond if you cry or they cry?

• 51:41Jefferson Fisher?

  So if you're in an argument and you start to cry, number one, do not for one second apologize. There's absolutely nothing that you need to say. Let me say that differently. If you begin to cry in an argument, the only response you need to have is nothing. There's no apology you need to issue for crying. It is what your body does naturally. The higher the tension, the higher the release. If you are going to say anything, then you are going to label the tears. You're gonna say, these are tired tears. These are tears that care. These are tears that are frustrated. You label them. It is, it is your stress in liquid form. And that's all it is.

• 52:26Jefferson Fisher?

  And it's nothing to be ashamed of. Now, if somebody is, let's say, on the other side of it and you're talking to them and they start to cry. What you don't do is go, oh, Jesus again. Okay, oh, what, let me guess, you're gonna cry? Now you're gonna cry? Yeah, okay, they're crying now. Like, that is the worst because you're saying you're not a safe place. If, what I don't want somebody crying to do is say, I'm sorry. Don't, don't apologize and say, I'm so sorry, I'm crying. Take that, throw it away. Don't ever say that again. There's nothing to apologize for what your body does. If somebody else is crying, you're not going to apologize for them crying either. Understand that that is their body doing what their body needs to do because it is a stressful situation.

• 53:09Jefferson Fisher?

  If you need to, if you need to, you can get a tissue and put it down. Don't feel like you need to put it in their face and go, okay, fine. You, you, you good? Get it all out. Oh, great, okay, I guess we'll just wait. Anytime you do that is just eroding the trust. You need to just continue to talk to them as if they're not because it serves as a distraction otherwise. And it eliminates that idea of somebody using tears to manipulate too. So it's a good way of just continuing to talk to them.

• 53:37Lewis Howes?

  Keep talking.

• 53:38Jefferson Fisher?

  Keep talking, acting like they're not crying.

• 53:40Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 53:40Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 53:41Lewis Howes?

  What if they need a moment and they're really like having their, they're like,

• 53:43Jefferson Fisher?

  That's different.

• 53:44Lewis Howes?

  You can say, hey, we can, we can pause for a moment if you just wanna.

• 53:46Jefferson Fisher?

  Absolutely. There's nothing wrong to say, hey, you need, you wanna take a time out? Nothing wrong with that. But it's the, when you act exasperated, if you roll your eyes and take a big sigh, that's where you, that's where you eroding the trust. You need to be a safe space for that. If, if just saying it's not bothering you. So if you can just say, I'm still here, keep going. Like, you're good, keep going. Like, that, that's typically, if you can just say, keep going, it is saying, hey, don't worry about that.

• 54:12Lewis Howes?

  It's okay, keep going, yeah.

• 54:13Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah. And don't, don't ever act exasperated. Sure. That's a bad way to do it.

• 54:18Lewis Howes?

  Speaking of emotions, uh, uh, I recently had someone close to me lose someone who was close to them. And they're experiencing, you know, grief and sadness and loss and how can we? What's the best way to show for someone who is grieving? Anything, a loss of a friend, a family member, a pet, uh.

• 54:37Jefferson Fisher?

  Yes.

• 54:38Lewis Howes?

  A health condition, something, a home, everything, you know, if they're grieving, what's the best way to show for someone?

• 54:44Jefferson Fisher?

  And one is, the best way to show for somebody who's grieving, one, do not begin your sentence with, let me know if. Like, let me know if there's anything I can do.

• 54:56Lewis Howes?

  Don't start with that.

• 54:56Jefferson Fisher?

  Don't start with that. Let me know if. And you could, they can turn this a million different ways. Let me know if you need anything. Let me know if there's anything I can do. It is disingenuous often when you say, let me know if, because what it does is put all the responsibility on you. Hey, I checked my box. I just said, sorry. And I said, let me know if you need anything. I guess if they don't get back with me, they didn't need anything. And that's just not, that's not genuine. When somebody is grieving, the last thing they need is another burden put on them, another, oh, it's now on me to now ask out and reach out. Instead too, you just do it. Do the thing. If you wanted to bring groceries, go bring groceries. If you want to make their life better, go make their life better. Otherwise, don't act like you do. Don't say things that you, you don't mean.

• 55:42Jefferson Fisher?

  So it's much better to say, I'm so sorry for your loss than have this fictitious, let me know if you ever need anything. It's, it's generally, most of the time, and I could say not every time, most of this time, it is just to make the person who's offering it feel better.

• 55:59Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. Like they checked the box of checking in with someone to say, hey, I checked in with you and I offered support, but I did it. I wasn't specific about the support, so I'm going to make you think harder now. And I've probably done that many times in my past, you know, but the way you speak that, it makes me think differently as opposed to, um. And I, I actually think I saw you post about that, I don't know, like a month ago, because the fires were happening in LA and I saw you talk about that. And I remember, uh, this person who was going through the grieving process. Instead of saying, reaching out to them and saying, what can I do for you? Like, let me know if you need any support. I'm here for you. I think it's good intention to be like, hey, I'm here for you, whatever you need. It's like, whatever you need, I'm here for you.

• 56:42Lewis Howes?

  Instead, I just sent postmates with coffee because I knew their family was going to be like exhausted and not sleeping.

• 56:47Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:48Lewis Howes?

  Instead, I sent meals throughout the lunchtime because I knew they weren't thinking about cooking for themselves.

• 56:52Jefferson Fisher?

  Right.

• 56:53Lewis Howes?

  I just postmates food to them. And just for the week, just to be like, this probably isn't going to be everything you need. It's not going to help with everything, but it's one less thing you need to think about during this week of

• 57:04Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 57:04Lewis Howes?

  sadness, loss, grief, overwhelmed, and not taking care of yourself. How can I just add a little bit extra? And then keep adding more as I see where I can help.

• 57:16Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 57:16Lewis Howes?

  Because you don't want to overstep.

• 57:18Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, because you, yeah, you want to make sure you, you're not overreaching, you're not doing too much. And I say, I say it comes across as disingenuous. What I mean is, it can be all the right intent. Like, you, you are offering to say something because you, you truly feel for them. And often, people have a hard time knowing what to say.

• 57:37Lewis Howes?

  They do.

• 57:37Jefferson Fisher?

  I mean, it's just, they lock up. I do, if I say this, it's going to say this. It's, um, it can be kind of a stressful situation to, to reach out to somebody and they just don't know any better. So I'm not trying to say that they don't have the best intentions. I, I think anybody who says, I'm sorry for that hardship, their intentions are pure. It's just when you say, let me know if, you're really just giving them a, another chore, is what you're doing.

• 58:01Lewis Howes?

  So just say, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

• 58:03Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 58:03Lewis Howes?

  And leave it at that.

• 58:04Jefferson Fisher?

  I would, I would, I would leave it at that, or that I'm think, just thinking of you. Like, just that alone, but don't say, I'm here for you, when you're, when you're really not. And I'd say even three is

• 58:17Lewis Howes?

  Because also, before you go to three,

• 58:18Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 58:19Lewis Howes?

  When someone's grieving something, it's like you, you go through many stages of grief. There's shock, there's sadness, there's a ton of emotion, there's a lot of tears. The last thing you want to do is ask for help.

• 58:30Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 58:30Lewis Howes?

  You don't want to say, my house just burned down, can you give me some money?

• 58:33Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah, can you, yeah, hey, can you go?

• 58:34Lewis Howes?

  You're in shock.

• 58:35Jefferson Fisher?

  Exactly.

• 58:36Lewis Howes?

  You're in sadness, you're in breakdown, you're like,

• 58:37Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 58:38Lewis Howes?

  Hey, can you come over here and clean this up for me? Like, you don't want to ask for something because you already feel an overwhelming emotion of sadness.

• 58:45Jefferson Fisher?

  Yeah.

• 58:46Lewis Howes?

  And like, asking for help? Maybe it doesn't feel empowering.

• 58:49Jefferson Fisher?

  Right. Well, and especially when it has to do with loss. And because if you say, let me know if you need anything, it's like, well, the thing I need, you cannot give me.

• 58:56Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 58:57Jefferson Fisher?

  And it's so, it's a, it's just a, um, it's a dagger. Um, and, and people, grief isn't linear. I mean, people experience it in, in different ways and, uh, different depths in, in their own way.

• 59:11Jefferson Fisher?

  And I was going to add that three is, I want to agree with their pain. So don't try and minimize it. That's what we want to do. No, well, at least they're in a good place.

• 59:21Lewis Howes?

  A lesson.

• 59:21Jefferson Fisher?

  Or, yeah, well, I mean, it could have been, it could have been worse. Instead of it's, instead, what you want to say is, nobody should have to go through that. Man, that's terrible. I can't believe that happened. I mean, that is whatever thoughts they're needing to have, that you think that they're having, you are agreeing with their pain. Don't try and lessen it in some way. That is, let them feel it fully and you do that by agreeing with it.

• 59:45Lewis Howes?

  The next conversation, argue less, talk more by Jefferson Fisher. Make sure you guys get a copy if you want to learn. Why you should never win an argument, how to assert yourself and communicate with intention, how to set clear boundaries and frame conversations that will empower you. Why saying less is often more and how to overcome conflict with connection. Then this is the book for you. Make sure to get a few copies, give them to your friends. Give them to the person in your life who also, uh, constantly cries to guilt you in every conversation. I'm just teasing, not that person. They won't receive it. They'll be triggered if they get this.

• 1:00:21Jefferson Fisher?

  You'll be apologizing if you do.

• 1:00:22Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. I'm sorry. Here's this book. Get some copies, guys. Make sure to support Jefferson. He's got pretty much daily content as well on social media. You can follow him on social media, powerful stuff. We'll have it all linked up below. Get this book. It's going to be a big seller, um, this year, so make sure to check it out. And, uh, Jefferson, thanks so much for being here, man.

• 1:00:44Lewis Howes?

  Thank you so much for listening to this episode. If you enjoyed this and if you found value, make sure to share this with one friend. Just copy and paste the link and text a friend where you feel would be truly inspired by this episode as well. And also make sure to click the follow button on Apple or Spotify, wherever you're listening to this episode, because we have a massive episode coming up next that I do not want you to miss. So make sure to follow this and be on the lookout for the next episode coming with some massive content and guests. Also, I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. And if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life,

• 1:01:25Lewis Howes?

  you want abundance in your life and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneymeasibook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. We have some big guests and content coming up. Make sure you're following and stay tuned to the next episode on the School of Greatness. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description

• 1:02:06Lewis Howes?

  for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.