156: When Your Partner Shuts Down Emotionally, DO THIS!

In this episode, Sabrina dives deep into one of the toughest relationship struggles—emotional shutdowns. She breaks down how to recognize silent treament or stonewalling, why it happens, and how to reclaim your power when you're left emotionally abandoned. Learn how to set boundaries and communicate your needs without enabling unhealthy patterns. Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Enrollment for The Self Love Course, The Nervous System Course, and The Break Up Course is now closed. For your continued education and growth, please explore The Foundation Course, which is currently available. Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 0:31Speaker 01

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• 1:00Sabrina Zohar?

  Welcome back, my babes. You know I love my solos with you guys, and I hope you guys are liking them, too. I've been trying really, really hard to accommodate the best I can. And today, we're going to talk about something that is a silent relationship killer, but is really fucking brutal and so hard. What to do when your partner shuts down. How do you handle this? The stonewalling, or the dismissive, or... No, no, no, no, baby. We're going to talk about it all today, because I got you. And as always, guys, you know, we are here for you if you need anything. You want to work one-on-one, you want to join a course. So, we have some updates. We are changing courses around. We have the foundation course, it's never going away. And if you're a part of a course, don't worry, you're never going to lose it. But we're going to be taking some things away, adding some things in, hopefully creating a membership soon. Like, I am ready to expand, to grow, and to build a deeper community with you guys. So, please just know, everything is there.

• 1:45Sabrina Zohar?

  The foundation course, you can work one-on-one, ask a question, free guides, whatever you need, everything will be at sabrina zohar.com, or the link in bio. And I've got your back, babies. And if not, thank you for just listening to the show. It means the fucking world. So, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hello, babies! Good to see you guys, good to be here. I'm excited, I love solo time. It's my fave, I really do. I enjoy it because I get to really connect with you guys. And as always, if you're following along on the socials, thank you for submitting your questions. Sabrina Zohar, or the Sabrina Zohar Show on Insta. I do a question box for every, almost every episode, so you guys can ask, and that's how you'll hear me say, "Someone asked this." That's where it comes from. So as always, guys, thank you, thank you for rating and reviewing the show. Thank you for following along. Thank you for sending it to your friends. Please don't forget, even if you just leave a heart, a comment,

• 2:30Sabrina Zohar?

  any kind of comment, any kind of engagement, it means the world, and that's how we grow. Even if you just say, "Marcus finished on the episode," it literally is just the most beneficial thing I can do. And if you guys want more, don't forget, you can subscribe ad-free to get it for $4 hairs a month. But whatever you guys need, if not, I'm just grateful to have you here. So let's get into it. Let's talk about one of the cruelest things someone can do to you without laying a fucking finger on you. And that's the silent treatment that people often disguise as, "I need space." And you know exactly what the fuck I'm talking about, right? Mid-conversation, they just disappear. Not physically, like, they might be sitting there, but emotionally, left the building. And you're left talking to a fucking wall, wondering, "What did I do wrong?" And I think we have to be able to hold space, because I think a lot of this conversation is nuanced, and I want to just

• 3:13Sabrina Zohar?

  clarify that ahead of time. Because I got the data, right? I have the studies, I have all that fun shit. But I think what's really at the core of this is also trusting ourselves to be able to identify what's coming up. And so what I mean by that is, you know, somebody shutting down in the middle of a conversation, where you're sitting there. If it happens once in a blue moon, well, that's a human, right? I've had that, where Ryan and I might be mid, well, talking about something intense, and I'll just kind of sit there for a minute, and you can see I'm checked out. And it's like, obviously, my partner knows, typically speaking, I'm incredibly communicative. So when I shut down like that, there's something going on, right? I think my system's overwhelmed, like, I'm just overloaded at that time. But that's not my pattern. And I think that's really what I see a lot. And like, some of the questions I got were like, "The long silent treatment for five

• 3:57Sabrina Zohar?

  minutes? I waited patiently, and then they didn't respond. Why does my partner shutting down affect me so much? How do I take my power back?" And really, that, like, that last one, right, that's the real one. Because somewhere along the way, you handed your emotional well-being over to someone who uses silence as a weapon. And today, we're gonna go really deep on what shutdown is, and I'm gonna probably piss some people off by saying this. But it's not always about overwhelm. Sometimes it is about control, and you're letting So let's start to debunk a lot about this. And it's interesting because I asked Ryan right before, I said, can I spit something at you? How do you feel when I say this sentence? And at first he goes, no, I don't, I don't think that's accurate. And I was like, okay, can we talk about it? And so that sentence was, that's something that's gonna fucking piss the avoidant people off, is that sometimes, and a lot of the times, that I need space is bullshit. And when I asked Ryan, he was like, what? No, sometimes I do need space.

• 4:42Sabrina Zohar?

  And I said, okay, let me ask you a question. Have you ever told someone that you're dating, I need space? That's it, just that I need space. And he was like, no, I would never say that. I was like, okay, well, thank you for proving my point. Because again, that's what we were talking about. Like, the truth about shutdown is, yeah, there are genuinely people that get overwhelmed, present company included. You are a fucking human that's really real. But if your partner is consistently and constantly telling you that they need space, every time you try to address a fucking problem, every time you express a need, every time you want to talk about the relationship, then that's not overwhelm, that's avoidance. That's avoidance with a self-help vocabulary, to be honest. And here's something, let's get into the studies, right? Especially for you, I'll let you guys, if you know who the Gottmans are. And so Dr. Gottman can predict divorce with 94% accuracy. And do you want to know one of those, the biggest predictor is?

• 5:27Sabrina Zohar?

  Stonewalling. And not because people get overwhelmed, but because they use silence to control, to punish, and to avoid accountability. That was my ex. Oh, my God, that was my ex. I, like, it would just be, and that's, honestly, my dad, too. That's why I dated my ex. But like, my dad will just stonewall. He'll just, middle of the conversation, like, I'll never forget when he came to town a few months ago, and maybe I shared this and maybe I didn't, but if I did, sorry about that. And Ryan, we were at dinner, and Ryan and I were sitting across from each other, and my dad was next to me. And in the middle of it, Ryan, you know, my dad just kept saying, why you be happy? Just be happy, just be happy. And I was trying to explain to him, I was like, that's not how life works. I was like, I have emotions, I'm scared, I have fears, I have things. You're fine, you're fine. And it's just dismissing, dismissing. And I was like, okay, Dad, like, I'm trying to explain.

• 6:10Sabrina Zohar?

  And so Ryan grabbed my hand, and he said, babe, I want you to know that I get you're scared, and I know that, you know, this feels really scary, but I want you to know you're not alone. And before he could finish the sentence, my dad just looked at him and went, huh, and then just turned his body, full 90 degrees, like, sitting here, boop? In the middle, and Ryan just looked at me and he was like, uh. And I just looked at him, I just like, I laughed and I was like, welcome to my life. My father used silence as a means of punishing and control. And honestly, that's what we saw a lot in Love Island, but that's for another day because people are gonna yell at me for saying anything anymore. Cause you know, and I'll just be honest, this is a total fucking segue, but we have gotten into a goddamn time where you can't say anything these days. You can't say anything to anybody because you're gonna fucking piss somebody off. Someone's gonna get upset. I mean, even half the time, like I'll get reviews on stuff that you're just like, oh,

• 6:55Sabrina Zohar?

  okay, all right. And so it's like, I understand. I understand why some people are just like, I don't wanna deal with this, I don't wanna be bothered, especially when you have like, you know, we all know those people where like, no words you say, you can't like get an error word in edgewise because you're just like, everything is, they take it personally or they cry or, at those point, you're just like, okay, I don't know that we can have a conversation. But when we're talking about somebody shutting down, I think the person who shuts down holds most of the power in the relationship because they decide when conversations happen, they decide which topics are off limits and how much emotional intimacy you're allowed to have. And you, oh, well, if you're stuck in that dynamic, you're just fucking grateful when they decide to grace you with their goddamn presence. And that's, I think, my biggest issue with the silent treatment or, you know, especially with this like match their energy thing and you're like, why?

• 7:37Sabrina Zohar?

  Why am I matching your energy when you are shutting down mid-conversation? You are being dismissive, you're stonewalling, you're going cold because I said something you didn't like or asked a question or I brought up this and then all of a sudden you're just gonna ignore me for three days because I asked you something of depth? Like, no. And so you guys, I guess, don't forget, if you guys don't follow along, the Sabrina Soharsh on Insta, these are where these questions come from. Look out for a question box almost every other day when I record. So someone asked, how do I handle someone suddenly who gets overwhelmed and disappears in ghosts? Okay, so here's the reality, you gotta stop calling it overwhelmed because when someone disappears on you, like, that's not just overwhelmed. Overwhelmed people can communicate, hey, I'm struggling right now, I need a minute. Like, or I'm struggling right now, can you give me a few hours? But people who disappear are teaching you that your feelings, they don't matter enough

• 8:21Sabrina Zohar?

  for basic courtesy or they're, oh, they're too much for them to fucking handle because maybe they're emotionally unavailable. But that's the difference between explanation or excuse. And that's what I wanna be clear about. That's why nuance matters. This isn't a black and white statement that everybody acts the same, so thus everyone is the same. But we also have to be able to trust ourselves to say, what's the pattern here and what are you picking up on? You know what I mean? Like, just to be cognizant enough and aware. Because I've had that. Where I talk to somebody, like, maybe I don't know a few dates. And then when I'm like, you know, so I just want to see, like, what is it that you're looking for in a relationship? And then, this is in my, you know, back in the day, when I was like, still really in my shit. And they would just like not answer the text. And I would, you know, it's the same with the guy. I made that video, if you guys saw it on TikTok or Insta,

• 9:04Sabrina Zohar?

  that had ghosted me and texted me, like, I read it on the podcast last year, or like a few months ago, who had texted me and all that. And, ugh, I feel like such a dick. On the video, I was like, I just got this text. And it was like, no, I had had, I'd been sitting on that video for like three months. So I was like, whatever, you guys know what I mean. But anyways, long story medium, is I lift the veil behind content creation. But when he texts me and was like, you know, I got, like, I was, I didn't handle this maturely and blah, blah, it's like, okay, here's the difference. When that happened, I didn't take that personally. Why, how am I gonna take that you disappear and do all that personally? But versus when somebody starts to shut down, stonewall, and every time we give them the excuse, they're overwhelmed. But then what does that say to us? I'm overwhelming them. My needs are too much. Oh, my God, there's something wrong with me. And it's like, no. That's what I mean by is it a pattern?

• 9:48Sabrina Zohar?

  Is every single time you bring things up, they're shutting? Because then that's them trying to control the outcome here. They don't like where you're going, so they're just gonna divert it. And then if our self-esteem is low, we're like, oh, oh, okay, whatever you think. Or I'm too much, or there's something wrong with me. And it's like, well, then we get into this vicious cycle. And so that's why I'm saying I think there's a difference. So someone, and what I loved about it too, is I got a lot of questions from people who do have this. Like, maybe either they have avoidant tendencies, or they shut down. And it was really, really nice to see the other side of the coin to give you guys the perspective of both. Someone said, sometimes I shut down, but it means I just need some me time. Is that healthy? Okay, so this is the difference, right? This is where we have to look at the, not the black and white, but the nuance. If you need me time every fucking time your partner has a feeling or a need, then no, that's not healthy. That's why I'm saying, look at the pattern.

• 10:31Sabrina Zohar?

  Because, like, if every single time I went to Ryan being like, hey, can I share something with you? If he was like, I can't handle it. It's like, oh, oh, I mean, what are we doing here? But 100% you time is so fucking healthy. Sometimes Ryan and I will get very activated. We'll get really into, like, not an argument or a fight, but like really into like our feelings. And you're, you're really sad, or really feeling this. And I have no problem being like, I need a few minutes. And like, I'll be honest, the other day, I made a boo boo. I did. Ryan and I got into like a really heated, just discussion. It was just, I was feeling really unheard. And he was feeling, I think, just in his shit, and I was in mine. And I finally went, you know what? I don't fucking care. Do whatever you want. And I walked off. And I went into my room. And I just needed a minute, because I was like, I know I'm gonna say something I regret. And poor Ryan, like he came up a few minutes later and he was like, babe, can we talk?

• 11:16Sabrina Zohar?

  And then he came in and we had like a full hour conversation and we talked and we cried and we had the whole moment. And then after he said, I gotta tell you something, I felt really abandoned when you just said, fine, do what you want and walked out. And he was like, I totally get that you got overwhelmed and I have so much space for that. He was like, but I do need you to communicate that. And I was like, you're right. I said, I was like, you're right. I, I need to do better in that. And I said, I'm gonna work on that. That's something I'm really gonna try. Because when I shut down, I was like, I'm just used to my family that everyone just walks off. I mean, I just shared with you how my dad would just remove himself. So of course, that was something, that's what I mean by if it's a pattern, oh, well then what the fuck are we doing here? But if your partner's being a human, that's what I'm saying, like if every single time your partner says, I need space, I need space. It's you training your partner to never come to you with anything important. So that's where we have to say, because then what happens? Your partner's like, oh, I'm too much.

• 12:01Sabrina Zohar?

  And that's just us both being in our shit. Someone said, how do you communicate if your partner that is overwhelmed and shut down? Well, here's the thing, you gotta use your words before you hit that breaking point. If you're that partner, if you're the partner that shuts down and feels overwhelmed, then maybe say, I'm feeling activated, I need 20 minutes. It's very different than fucking vanishing into thin air, especially like I've had that. I remember I dated this guy and we had started as like a kind of hookup casual thing on a vacation. And then we both realized we really liked each other and then we were, the whole thing. And I remember when I was vulnerable with him, he said, I need some space, I need to think. And I was like, uh, okay, like do whatever, especially, mind you, he had just booked his ticket to come visit me and to stay with me. And we were booking a three day trip.

• 12:42Sabrina Zohar?

  So you can imagine I was jarred and I was so sad and I was so bummed. And I was just like, okay, but like I can't take ownership of this. And like five days went by and I didn't hear from him and I, every day was like, today's gonna be the day, today's gonna be the day, today's gonna be the day. And then I finally reached out to him and I was like, hey, so are we gonna talk or are we just gonna, you're just gonna pretend? And his response was, I don't know what you're talking about. He was like, I told you I didn't want to date you. And I was like, what the fu- I had to screenshot and send it to him. And he tried to gaslight me. He was like, I didn't say that. And I was like, I literally just screenshot this to you, to send it to you. And he was like, oh, I think you misunderstood me. And I was like, of course I did. And I just remember being like, no, I think we're good. I was like, I think we're good. I was bummed, I was sad, I was so fucking, I felt so shitty.

• 13:24Sabrina Zohar?

  And then I thought like, maybe finally, like this awesome, great looking guy, we had so much fun and banter and great sex and all those things was finally gonna be it. But I didn't appreciate him just completely stonewalling, he's shutting down, not having conversations. And then even that, like controlling the communication and the vulnerability that we have, didn't work for me.

• 13:41Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola for everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 14:11Sabrina Zohar?

  So let's talk about why you're addicted to the silence. Let's talk about why their fucking shutdown destroys you completely and why you keep coming back for more. So first off, we talk about trauma bonds. Now, I have an episode with Logan Cohen, who is a therapist from January of 2024. So if you guys want more on trauma bonds, please know that that's available to you. It's not on YouTube if you're watching, but it will be on Spotify or Apple or whatever. So just to give you more. But a trauma bond is formed because when someone gives you intense connection and then withdraws, your brain becomes addicted to getting that connection back. And it's the same neurochemical process as gambling. That's why I saw somebody the other day on TikTok, of course, or threads. There's always people trying to like go against the grain, but without actually doing any data and science. And he was like, you don't get addicted to dopamine, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is pop neuroscience. This is bullshit. Stop listening to people on the internet.

• 14:56Sabrina Zohar?

  And then you see the neuroscientist and he was like, you know, when you're asking me what my qualifications are, I went to school for psychology and I took neuroscience courses. But then you see the neuroscientist in the comments being like, hey, neuroscientist here, you're right. No one's saying that you're addicted to actual dopamine. You're not addicted to the actual drugs half the time or the gambling. You're not addicted to the, what it, you're addicted to what's happening in your brain. The unpredictability makes the reward more powerful. That's addiction. So it's not the physical dopamine. It's not just that neurotransmitter. It's not like your body's like jonesing and fixing just for that. But it's the unpredictability. It's what it means. It starts to fill in the blanks. It's delicious. It's delicious. That's why drugs, you can, you can get off drugs. Your body is not like, ooh, I need it. Your body needs water. But you get addicted to what it also helps you avoid.

• 15:41Sabrina Zohar?

  Like our body can get addicted to things. So please just know that's a trauma bond as well. It's that unpredictability. It's the high highs, the low lows. They're giving you just enough and then you become bonded to them. Now, again, trauma bond has like a bunch of different meanings and definitions. So please don't come at me if you're like, I Googled it and it means this. It's like, I'm giving you an example of a trauma bond. I have to, as you guys can see, I'm tired. I constantly have to deal with inundation. And so I'm trying to dot my i's and cross my t's. But I'm also a human and there's only so much I could do. So I'm trying here and I'm trying to give you guys the data and the science the best I can. But let's continue the education. And again, don't forget, we have the foundation course. If you want more, it is really fucking helpful and it really helps you to understand your patterns and where you're going and all of those things.

• 16:25Sabrina Zohar?

  And don't forget, all courses include free group coaching every month with Sheila. And we have some more stuff coming in the works. I promise you, it's gonna be really fucking, it's gonna be a good fall. So the other thing is too, is an abandonment wound. Every time they shut down on you, they're abandoning you emotionally. And that's why Ryan said, I feel like you're abandoning me. And if you have any abandonment wounds from childhood, which most of us fucking do, then this is gonna hit every single trigger you fucking have. You'll do anything to get them back to come back, including betraying yourself, because at some point in your life, you learned that that's the only way to keep you safe. And that's okay, we just have to figure out where did we learn this from? And then same when we talk about like your self-worth. When someone's repeatedly shutting down on you, you start believing that you're too much, you're too needy, you're too emotional, you'll begin editing yourself. You're gonna walk on eggshells, you're making yourself smaller and smaller to avoid triggering their fucking withdrawal. And then that point, again, you've self-abandoned.

• 17:10Sabrina Zohar?

  We're no longer in the moment, we're no longer present, we're no longer in our bodies. We're doing anything we can to hold on to this person. And so one of the questions was, why does my partner shutting down affect me so much? Let's be honest, they're withholding the one thing you need most, which is emotional connection and consistency. And then making it your fault for needing it. It's psychological warfare that looks like self-care, but it's not. It's not. And I think what we really need to do is get really curious about what's coming up and how this is actually impacting us. Because you're allowed to take up space to be like, hey, this doesn't fucking work. Right? Like that's how it started with me. I was like, this looks like my dad and that doesn't work for me anymore. This question someone had asked made me a little sad because I'll explain why. Someone said, "The long silent five-minute wait times for his response. I quietly and patiently waited." Okay, I have a question.

• 17:55Sabrina Zohar?

  Why the fuck are we having arguments, conversations, or any kind of serious discussion via fucking text? That I don't understand. You are sitting here waiting patiently, waiting patiently. And it's like, okay, but if you were in real time, if you were eye to eye, you don't, the person's actually gonna sit there staring at you for five minutes. And this is why it's like with texting, there's no tone, there is no, and like, it's okay if... If you say something that's serious, somebody doesn't have to respond within five fucking seconds. But then we have to start to look and say, well, what's the narrative that I'm creating about this? And then say, for me, it's like, if there is, especially again, is this a pattern? Every time you bring something up, they always put space in between it or try to deflect or try to change the subject. That's what I mean by like, then we're training them that this works. But I think there's also two conflicting thoughts. This is where I need to know the nuance. Does this happen every single fucking time? Or does this happen once?

• 18:40Sabrina Zohar?

  If it happened once, okay, well, they're a human. But this is also why I'm saying, stop having real conversations and heavy and hard conversations via text. These are meant for eye to eye in person with tonality. Because text has no tone. I have had this. Sometimes I'll be on live on TikTok and people will ask a question. I'll be like that. Or like, they'll say something. I'll be like, fuck you, that's really mean. And they'll be like, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it that way. Like, I meant to this. And I'm like, oh, it has no tone. I'm reading this how I'm reading it, especially when you're feeling like overwhelmed. You don't know how it's going to be received to the other person. So stop having these conversations via text. How do I take my power back? You want to know? You stop fucking waiting. You stop accommodating and you stop making their emotional regulation more important than your basic need for fucking respect. Because we have to be honest that their inability to handle adult conversations is not your problem to solve. And that's why I'm saying, what is the nuance?

• 19:25Sabrina Zohar?

  You want to take your power back? There is a way to show up. There's a way to be like, hey, I don't appreciate that. And we're going to get to that in a little bit of like, how do you actually handle this? But taking your power back means showing up for you. And it means, again, holding space. You're allowed to be like, hey, this is really hard for me to handle. Okay, cool. Then you have a conversation with this person. And if they're not willing or they're not in a space to be able to meet you in any other way, especially half. Okay, cool. But you regain your power when you stop allowing their bullshit. Again, the difference between, are they being inhuman and having an explanation? Or are we excusing bad behavior? And I think a lot of you guys had asked about kind of the fearful, disorganized, avoidant bait and switch. And, you know, trying to think, by the time this even comes out, we would have done the disorganized episode. So you guys can go back.

• 20:11Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk-takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola, for everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 20:42Sabrina Zohar?

  So we have some different ways that this shows up. Sometimes it'll be that they love-vomit you and vanish, and they leave you to fucking clean up the mess that they created. Sometimes there'll be a switch, and then suddenly they're a fucking ghost, and it's not just necessarily physically absent, but it might be emotionally vacant. And the person who was texting you all fucking day is now taking hours to respond. The person who couldn't get enough of you now needs space. And the mindfuck about that is a couple of things. One, why do you think I'm saying go slow? That's why I'm saying go slow. I don't necessarily think that these people are doing it intentionally to hurt you because they don't want you to be happy. Like, that's not what I believe. But the hardest part, I think, about it is that, like, this is the guy that I dated was, like, they act like you're crazy for being confused. I remember having the guy, and he was like, "I never said we were exclusive." And I was like, "Are you fucking... Like, is this a fucking joke?" Or, like, "I told you I needed space. You're being too fucking intense."

• 21:27Sabrina Zohar?

  So that way, you start to question your own reality. That is where I have to say, "That's not fucking appropriate." If you going to somebody with a need, with something that you're dealing with, and they try to deflect, they try to project, they try to gaslight you, they try to make it something that it's you. If you know your fucking truth, hold on to that. Someone says, "How do I handle the mindfuck of the fearful-of-avoid-and-bait-and-switch?" Like, kind of, they're all in, and then they pull back. It's really incredibly destabilizing, but I think I need you to stop trying to handle it. Because this pattern doesn't get any better. It's gonna get worse. They're showing you that they can only handle emotional intimacy in small doses, and they expect you to be okay with the emotional scraps. That's why I mean, like, you don't have to handle it. If this person's in therapy and really doing the work, and you're starting to see progress... Again, like any attachment style, anybody under the sun, then great. Like, let's see if this is enough.

• 22:12Sabrina Zohar?

  Let's see if the progress is gonna be enough, if it's happening in a cadence that's working for you. But you don't have to make excuses for people's behavior. It's the same with anxious. Right? Like, I have people that'll write in all the time, like, "What do I do with this person? They're not leaving me alone. They're not listening to my boundary. They won't stop. They're super hypervigilant. They're always projecting onto me. They always think I'm doing something." And it's like, you don't. If that person's not doing anything to work on themselves, you hoping that they're going to isn't gonna change anything. It's just gonna keep the vicious cycle going. So, another question, "Avoiding a spiral of matching it while afraid to seem like you're nagging if you address it." Here's the thing, if you're afraid that speaking up and saying how you feel is gonna make that person walk away, then you've already fucking lost yourself. Because if you're scared, "Oh, if I say something, I'm gonna be too much," my question to you is, where did you learn that from? Who taught

• 22:55Sabrina Zohar?

  you, growing up, that your needs were too much? Who taught you that taking up spacemen, that you're a bad person, or that you're selfish? And who taught you that you're too much simply because you have something to say? Because, again, if you're afraid of losing them, you've already lost yourself trying to stay in their fucking bullshit. You know I say that with love. Right? "How to find the balance between giving them space and having your needs met?" Okay, well, here's the thing. Your needs matter just as much as their need for space. So, we need to stop negotiating for the bare minimum of human decency. What that looks like? What that looks like is being like, "Hey, while I totally understand," right? What doesn't work? Because if you're really trying to see is, like, being super understanding, giving them space, waiting patiently, and just sitting there. All that does is that teaches them that shutting down gets them exactly what they want. What actually works is setting boundaries, having consequences, and self-fucking respect. And so, here's

• 23:39Sabrina Zohar?

  how you can balance it. Instead of, like, "Take all the time you need, whatever, no rush, you take your time. Try. I'm willing to work through this when you're ready to have an adult conversation, but I'm not willing to be ignored or dismissed." We have to stop rewarding the bad behavior. Every time you accommodate their shutdown, you're reinforcing it. So, we have to quit making their fucking emotional immaturity your emergency. And my point, again, what I'm saying is, have discernment in your own life. If you're looking at this, being like, "Oh, this person has only done this once or twice, and we've been dating for six or seven months," it's like, okay, they're a human, right? And that's where we can say, "Hey, I've noticed that you shut down when we get really intimate, or I noticed that you shut down when we have these types of conversations. Can I ask, like, what's coming up for you? I'd like to get curious to know. Is it me? Is it the conversation? Is there anything I can do?" Like, you can also get curious, but that's

• 24:22Sabrina Zohar?

  what I mean. Versus, somebody that always does this, they have a pattern, they show up, they leave, they go, they leave, da-da, da-da, da-da. That could be a core wound. And that could be, again, where did you learn that love means that you have to put your needs aside? When I ask when they say they need time to think and respond, how long do you give them? For actual fucking thinking? A few hours, maybe a day, a couple of days, right? But for avoiding accountability, they can take all the time they want while you live your fucking life without them. Because that's why I was explaining to the guy earlier. When he said, can I just have a few days? And I was like, sure. And then a few days turned into didn't hear from him. That's where I'm like, ooh, explanation or excuse. And at the end of the day, you also get to take that space to decide, does this work for me? You also can take that space of like, I don't know that I love that every single time I have an issue with someone, they shut down.

• 25:06Sabrina Zohar?

  Doesn't mean that you have to break up with them, but you also get to take space to be like, well, I'm also not happy with the way you're showing up either. And so like, let's talk about this. So how do I know when to back off? Well, you back off when they're showing genuine signs of emotional flooding, right? Like if they're having heavy breathing, their inability to think clear. Like for Ryan and me, I just sat there staring at the floor. Like I just literally, like you can see when someone's dysregulated. Like for my sister, she'll just, her eyes will get glossed over. You can see she wants to cry and then she'll just, that's it. She'll walk off. Or with Ryan, like I understand my partner because I can see what emotional flooding look like. I can see when they're like not online and they're really struggling to come back on. But you don't back off when they're just being fucking uncomfortable with being held accountable. That like, that's it. Is if you're starting to, again, the pattern.

• 25:49Sabrina Zohar?

  When you bring something to them of depth, of accountability, of hey, this really bothered me. I'm done. I'm not dealing with this shit. You need to, I'm done. That's stonewalling. All right, the last question. I need clarity from someone who has gone silent, but I don't want to chase them. Okay, well, here's the thing. Two options. One, you move on with your life. And again, get really turned off by the fact that this person has gone silent and isn't responding. Or if you want to send a text, you can. You can say, I need to know where we stand. If I don't hear from you by tomorrow, I'll assume you're not interested in resolving this. And then that's that. You're giving them the opportunity to be like, hey, okay, here's what I need from you and here's the buy when. It's been a fucking week. I haven't heard from you. Like that could be the thing. Hey, I know we agreed to take some space, but it's been over a week and I haven't heard from you. If I don't hear from you by tomorrow, then I'm just going to assume that you're not interested in resolving this

• 26:34Sabrina Zohar?

  and we're moving on with our lives. But I don't leave things without some kind of ending because I appreciate clarity. But then you have to stick with it.

• 26:42Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 27:14Sabrina Zohar?

  And so I have one more question. How do you keep the conversation from being derailed? Because oftentimes the topic will shift. And how do I not let them make their shutdown the main character? All right, talk to them. Hey, I understand you got overwhelmed, but we still need to address this issue. When are you available to do that? Right, like it's about still again, hey, totally get it. I understand that like that you got overwhelmed, but we still need to talk about the fact that like you didn't show up for me in the time that I needed. When are you available to do so? That's what I mean by it's okay to be blunt and honest. It's okay to be real with somebody. And now let's talk about if you're the one who recognizes the shutdown. First off, I'm really proud of you. But what I want to say is you're not protecting yourself when you do that. You're emotionally abandoning your partner. And I get it when things get hard, it feels like you're just like, whoop, can't do that.

• 27:58Sabrina Zohar?

  But oftentimes your need for space might feel like self-care to you, but to your partner, it feels like punishment. And every time you shut down, you're teaching them that they cannot come to you with their problems, needs or feelings. And again, I want to say this doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. And I'm not saying like, oh, you're to blame. No, because oftentimes if someone's coming at you with a lot of emotion and stuff, I can understand the shutdown. But we also have to say we have to stop making excuses. You know, I'm just overwhelmed. Okay, right? Why are you avoiding the discomfort? But if somebody says like, hey, I don't want to say something and regret, can you give me 20 minutes? I just, I like need to come back online. Of course, right? Of course, like that I totally feel is really valid, but we have to look explanation or excuse. You're like, I'm really tired. I can't deal with this right now. And you're like, okay, so what am I supposed to do? Just sit with my dick in my hands? Again, it can happen, right?

• 28:41Sabrina Zohar?

  If someone's like, babe, I literally just got home from work 10 minutes ago. Can you give me like a minute? Fine, of course, right? We could be human. There's a difference. And someone said you're shutting down and had to get out of that. Well, start by admitting that this is a choice. It's not something that just happens to you, but you can learn to communicate your needs without disappearing on people. And what I mean by that is, when I say a choice, when you regulate. What do we regulate our nervous system for? To come back to a place of choice. And I get it, you might be like, what? I'm not choosing this, not consciously. I think your nervous system and your body are trying to keep you safe, in their perception of safe. But they're also, you know what they're trying to protect you from? Going to the deeper wound, getting vulnerable, having that. They don't want you to be seen in that way. We gotta push through that. Someone said, some tips for the partner who is the one who shuts down. Best way to acknowledge it.

• 29:25Sabrina Zohar?

  Say, hey, I know my shutting down hurts you and I'm working on staying present even when I'm uncomfortable and I'm gonna practice communicating my needs instead of just disappearing. Like, that's a really mature way of handling it. Or have a conversation after it, right? Like, I think that's what's really important here, is we have to look at, cause like, taking space is beneficial. Taking space is fine when you're like communicating, but abandoning your partner emotionally every time you're uncomfortable is not. And that's the difference that we need to learn. And that's the difference of that. Some people are just not capable of emotional intimacy. That's the hard truth. And no amount of understanding, patience, or accommodation is gonna change that. And so that's what I'm saying, there's a difference between, does this person have the bandwidth? Like, when Ryan, he used to shut down, it wasn't like he would remove himself and I didn't talk to him for three days. I could just see he'd go offline. And then I'd be like, hey, you good? And he'd be like, sorry, can you like, give me a minute? Yeah, sure.

• 30:10Sabrina Zohar?

  And he would do what he needed to do, come back, cause he learned how to regulate. Same with me. When I wanna get really anxious, I'm like, sorry, I'm noticing my body is feeling really warm. I'm like, can you just give me a second? Or like, sometimes me and Ryan will be mid-conversation and he'll be silent and he's like, please no, I'm not avoiding the conversation. I'm trying to process this in real time right now, can you like, give me a minute? And I'm like, yeah. I was telling him, I'm like, I'll just sit here. And he's just like, yeah, that's all I need. Communicate with each other. And if you say, if you're like, hey, you know, to your partner, I've noticed you shut down a lot, I feel like, yeah, I'm so sorry. Okay, what do you need from me? How can we like, work through this together? If you have somebody that's willing and able and you're able to start seeing progress, it's like, okay, cool. The real question is, stop asking, how do I handle their shutdown? And start maybe asking, why am I accepting this level of emotional abandonment? Baby, you're not your therapist. It's not your job to manage their emotional capacity, walk on eggshells around their triggers, or accept scraps of fucking attention when they decide you're worthy of it.

• 30:54Sabrina Zohar?

  The pattern reveals everything. Cause if someone consistently shuts down when you need them most, when you try to address your problems, or when you express your needs, they're showing you who they are and I need you to believe them. That's the reality. Because using silence as a weapon is not gonna create a safety. And we have to stop accommodating the shutdown. Let's call it what it is. Let's demand better from people who claim to care about you. Because you deserve someone who stays present when things get hard, who fights for the relationship instead of fucking fleeing from it, and who sees your needs as valid instead of inconvenient. You cannot love someone into emotional availability, but you can stop accepting unavailable as love. That's the thing. What are your choices? And so again, that's why I'm saying, I trust that you guys will know what's here and what's not. That when someone shuts down because they're feeling overwhelmed and flooded,

• 31:39Sabrina Zohar?

  that could be a couple of minutes, maybe 20, maybe 30. Maybe they say, hey, can I call you back in 30 minutes? Like, I just, I kinda wanna journal for a second and understand this because I'm actually a little, like, I don't even know what I'm upset about anymore. I think there's a way that we can clearly articulate our needs. And the same with the anxious folks, right? If you're just like, hey, I really need a response right now. And if you're just like, I would really love one, I'm obviously not gonna push that, but could we maybe talk in 20 or 30? I'm feeling really anxious right now and it's feeling very unsettled. Give this more time. I don't do well in limbo. Again, just communicate. Just tell someone where you're at and see if they have the bandwidth. I think a lot of you guys don't realize how much power and control you have in your own life. And I totally get that as somebody who didn't know for a while. But let me be the reminder, please take up space. Please communicate. Please have these conversations with people because we need more authentic voices in this fucking world.

• 32:24Sabrina Zohar?

  I love you, babies. Ado. Don't accept some bullshit. Don't accept breadcrumbs. Don't accept this nonsense. It's one thing if somebody is getting overwhelmed or feeling really triggered or has a moment, especially when emotions are heightened. It's a different thing when they use this every single fucking time as a means of control. Like I said, every time you say something, fucking, hey, do you wanna hang out? It's 10 to 15, like, fucking hours in between everything. But yet if you're just like, hey, suh, or if you send like a sexy photo, they respond immediately. Every time you're like, hey, you know, can we, like, are you free to chat tomorrow? Like, I'd love to gain clarity about where you're at. And then three days go by and they're like, sorry, got super swamped. And you're like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. You're just avoiding this right now. There's a difference. So start to get curious, like I said. And if you're not sure, talk to them about it. Of like, hey, I noticed you shut down. Like, are you in a space where we can, I wanna get curious. Is this something we can work through? Or is this something that you're okay with? Because that doesn't work for me.

• 33:09Sabrina Zohar?

  You guys got this. And guys, as always, thank you, thank you. I'm so excited. I realized the other day on the episode in the trenches, a bunch of people were commenting like their city. And I was like, wait, when did I say that? And it was at the end. I had asked you guys to let me know where you want me to come for the tour. And it made my heart sing because I was like, wow, thanks for sticking around to the end. Thank you for hearing me and thank you for being here. So as always, I got the course. If you want anything, everything's at sabrina zara.com or a link in the show notes. And if you don't need anything, don't worry about it. But we're here. And please don't forget to rate and review the show, subscribe on all the channels, follow along so you never miss anything. And just know you're never fucking alone. And I'm here for you. Until next time, babies.

• 33:50Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 34:21Speaker 03

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces. So I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece, and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.