222: How Do You Actually Choose Yourself?

What does loving yourself actually look like when it isn't bubble baths, face masks, or affirmations you don't believe? Sabrina breaks down the real difference between self-love and self-esteem, what the self-compassion research says about anxiety and resilience, and why your inner critic isn't your enemy but a survival strategy you learned somewhere. She also tells the story of the guy who said he wasn't attracted to her two months in, why she walked away that night, and how she met her partner five days later. This one covers how to stop self-abandoning in dating, three questions to ask yourself on every first date, why proximity and timing matter more than love, how to find closure after being ghosted, how to rebuild self-worth after getting dumped, and how to set boundaries when someone disrespects your time. If you keep accepting low effort, treating rejection like proof you're not enough, or waiting to feel worthy before you act like it, this is your episode on how to actually choose yourself. Come see me on tour! https://sabrinazohar.com/tour Pre-order Sabrina's book coming out October 2026,⁠⁠ "Why Am I Like This?"⁠⁠ Get your free workbook and access to the companion course after pre-ordering 'Why Am I Like This?' by filling out the form at the bottom of the page at ⁠http://sabrinazohar.com/book⁠ Take the new and improved dating quiz! ⁠sabrinazohar.com/quiz⁠ If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Product of the week! https://amzn.to/4gzWSat Get Ad free ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Watch on Spotify. Spotify subscribers get fewer ads on my video. Want to work with Sabrina? ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Don't forget to follow ⁠⁠Sabrina⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠The Sabrina Zohar Show⁠⁠ on Instagram and ⁠⁠Sabrina ⁠⁠on TikTok! Video now available on ⁠⁠YOUTUBE!⁠⁠ Chapters: 00:00 What Self-Love Actually Means 03:47 3 Questions To Ask On A Date 05:55 Story Time: Before I Met Ryan 08:59 The Red Flags I Ignored 11:28 When He Said He Wasn't Attracted 13:56 Why Timing Matters More Than Love 16:06 How To Stop Judging Yourself 19:52 Self-Worth After Getting Dumped 23:02 The Client Who Wasted My Time 26:34 Loving Yourself After Being Ghosted Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:34Speaker 01

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• 0:59Sabrina Zohar?

  How do you even start to love yourself? What does that even mean? We have gotten hijacked by the internet as if loving yourself just means getting your nails done and just saying like self-care day. But we have to, I think, change what you think self-love is, right? Self-love isn't just bubble baths and face masks. Self-love isn't believing you're amazing every single day. Really what it is, it's refusing to abandon yourself when you mess up. The relationship you have with yourself is the same relationship you're going to have with other people. So I want you to take stock and look at the people that you've dated or have been in relationships with or have had situations with. If you look at the people that you've dated and you are embarrassed by it, you think that the reliability, that has a direct correlation with how much you love yourself. Because when you love yourself,

• 1:43Sabrina Zohar?

  you're not going to put up with bullshit and low effort and you're not going to take what you can get because you fucking know that you deserve better. So if you're looking around and saying, "I'm not impressed with what I see", then start to change how you fucking see yourself and then see the rest of your life and your world completely change. We have seen it as, "Oh, well, I have to do all of these big things. I have to constantly be on this healing journey and this and this." And sometimes, loving yourself can be as simple as saying no. Loving yourself can be as simple as saying, "Even on a hard day, I'm still going to choose myself because I know that no matter what, I'm going to get through this." So of course, I'm going to bring in a study because I actually found that this was really interesting. Kristin Neff's research on self-compassion. It found that people who practice self-compassion have lower anxiety, lower depression, lower rumination and more resilience

• 2:28Sabrina Zohar?

  than the people who simply chase high self-esteem. Because I think when we chase high self-esteem, it's that, "I'm perfect and I'm amazing and I'm all of these things and I'm so worthy and deserving." And it's like, "I know you are. I know you're worthy and deserving. I know you deserve the fucking world and nothing less than it." But if you don't believe it, you're not going to fucking see it. Because you're just going to keep perpetuating the same behaviors over and over again, chasing this high self-esteem, this image of perfection, instead of acknowledging, "You're an imperfect person. You're a fucking human. And if somebody can't love you for those parts, then they're not the right person for you." And that starts with you. That starts with you and how you see yourself. And what I love about that study is that it shows that it's about saying that even on hard days, "I have my back", not, "I have to be perfect to be loved."

• 3:13Sabrina Zohar?

  And what's funny is when I was getting ready to date, this is my date night outfit. This is what I used to wear on first dates almost every time, depending on like who the guy was and how often I was going out with the people. And the reason I wore this outfit wasn't for any reason besides, "I feel really good when I'm wearing it", even though when I sat down and told Ryan, "I look like a sausage in a casing." But, you know, it's been three and a half years since I wore it. But I felt really sexy and confident. And it's so funny. So if you guys haven't pre-ordered my book, it's called "Why Am I Like This?" And in it, I talk about the difference between when you enter into a situation feeling like less than and feeling shitty about yourself and constantly checking your hair and doing all these things versus when you feel fucking confident and you are showing yourself off, it's a different energy. It's so funny. I was in a workout class this morning

• 3:58Sabrina Zohar?

  and we're on the Stairmaster and she said, "Walk like you're on a catwalk." And I just looked around and you could just see some people and this is like no shade to anybody there. Like I was just noticing behavior, that's all. And you could just see some of the girls that were kind of like a little timid to do it. And me, I looked in that mirror and I fucking sashayed away. I was stepping like I owned the fucking room. And you might be like, "Are you kidding? You're on a Stairmaster." But that helped me to feel sexy and confident and I watched my body slink and I felt really good about myself because I was like, "I pushed myself." It was literally classes at 6:45 a.m. At 6:35, I said, "You're fucking going. You're not going to call out. You're not going to do things. You can do hard things."

• 4:41Sabrina Zohar?

  We have got to stop being so terrified of being inconvenienced and having a rejection and feeling shitty. Part of loving yourself is knowing that no matter what, I will fucking be okay because I love myself more than the need to be loved by other people. Because if I don't show up for myself, who the fuck is going to? And I was trying to feel myself in this class because I said, "Man, it starts and stops with that." Because if I don't feel really good and beautiful and I don't enter a first date saying, "And I don't care what you wear or how you look, but when you're entering in and you feel good about yourself, guess what happens? What's the domino effect? You stop putting up with bullshit. You start to get clear about, "Oh, no, no, no, this isn't, 'Do you like me? I'm trying to see if you are right for me. How do I feel when I'm with you? Are you the right match for me? I don't really care if you like me

• 5:26Sabrina Zohar?

  because if you don't, like you liking me or not doesn't change the fact that I need to like me and I need to also determine if you are right for me." Next time you go on a date, I want you to start to ask these three questions that will fucking change your life. One, how do I feel when I'm with this person? I don't care how you feel about them. I care how you feel when you're with them. Two, do they work for me? Not, "Do I work for them?" And then the third, "Do we have enough here for me to say that I would actually be willing to see this person based on facts and not feelings?" You've got to start to challenge your fucking thoughts. "I know they might be sexy and I know they might be amazing, but that doesn't mean that they're the fucking person for you." And that means loving yourself enough to say, "I know that this is going to be painful, but I need to walk away." Hello, hello, hello! Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show.

• 6:11Sabrina Zohar?

  My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hello, my babes! Oh, well, I told you we're starting things a little different here. As always, don't forget to rate and review the show. Please, please, please, share it with a friend. Leave a five-star review if you think it's worth it. If you don't, you don't have to leave a review. It just like helps us more than you'll know. And just thank you guys for being here. As always, thanks for pre-ordering the book. We're getting closer and closer. I'm so fucking excited. I can't wait to share the tour and all the things. We're still finalizing all of those variables. But I am just so grateful for you guys because you helped me keep up. You were there for me when I need you. And now I get to be here for you and I get to lead you along this journey because baby, I got your fucking back. So if you need anything, as always, join one of the courses. You can work one-on-one, ask a question. Everything's at sabrina zohar.com. So let's continue and fucking keep on into it. So, story time.

• 6:56Sabrina Zohar?

  Again, some of you guys might know bits and bobs of this story, but I've been realizing that over the last course of three and a half years, it's so funny. Okay, I'll give you an example. Yesterday, I was in therapy. New therapist. We're doing some brain spotting and all that. And she said, "Tell me, how did you get into this career?" And I for a second stopped and I was like, literally in my head, I said, "Sabrina, she probably already knows." And I was like, "How would she already know? This person doesn't know who I am." But I said, "Don't talk too much about yourself. It gets annoying." I'm in therapy, right? Like this is my place to talk about myself. And I acknowledged that and she talked and we talked about like the parts that came up in that moment. Because I am so cognizant that some of you guys have been my ride or die since day one. So you're like, "Baby, I know some of these stories." But then some people are new and they have no idea.

• 7:38Sabrina Zohar?

  So I'm going to take up space and share stories in a different way as I'm writing my second book and have to also be cognizant of stories I share with you guys. So, when I, right before I dated Ryan, the guy that I was dating before him, I've told you guys about the conventionally handsome guy, the Utah guy, right? Like those are the people, those are the ones I saw on TikTok. And after that, like every person I dated, I just, I started to get like, that doesn't mean I wasn't crying like three or four months before I met Ryan. Like, yeah, a dude that I'd been dating when we finally slept together, he called me right after to say, "I'm so sorry, I can't do this." And I was like, "Fuck dude, like I waited a month and a half to do this." We had gone on multiple dates. He told me that like he had taken me out to an event the night before and said like he wanted to be with me and all this. And I was gutted and devastated, but I had to.

• 8:21Sabrina Zohar?

  And like, again, this person, like he has contacted me since and he was like, "By the way, this was not you." He was like, "I genuinely wasn't ready." Like he's a lovely human. But I had to, like, I cried. I remember I cried on the bed. I called my mom and I said, "I'm so tired of this. What is going on?" And I held on to a rose quartz and I remember I wiped my tears and I said, "I'm not going to let him take more time from me." That right there was an act of self-love. I allowed myself to feel it. I allowed myself to process it. I allowed myself to go through the experience and cry and scream and say, "Fuck this and I'm so fucking tired." But you know what I didn't allow myself to do? I didn't allow myself to make my worth have to mean anything or to attack myself. Even sometimes now, if I don't get something, Ryan will be like, "Whoa, whoa, where's that voice coming from?" And I have to stop and go, "Oh my God, you're right. Oh, I'm doing it again." That's loving yourself.

• 9:06Sabrina Zohar?

  It doesn't mean that you're perfect. So anyhow, I meet this guy and we matched on Hinge and I remember like sharing content. This is when I first started creating. And sharing content of like, "And he's so secure and he's so healthy and he's that, that, that, that, that." And he had made the plan and he made the reservation and he did the date and it. And so we go out to dinner and we have a really lovely time. And so then he drops me. At my car, like, we had met somewhere and then we, like, had a drink and then we fucked off to dinner and so he dropped me off in my car. And he said, "Can I see you again?" And I was like, "Yeah, sure." And he was like, "What are you doing tomorrow?" Red flag, right? Red flag. And I said, "Um, I'm going to a workout club, I'm going to yoga or something." And he was like, "Can I, can I join you?" He was going out of town and he was like, "I'm doing like a celebration of death or a celebration of life for my father that passed." And I was like, "Oh, my God, of course, absolutely."

• 9:51Sabrina Zohar?

  And so he's like, "Can I see you before I go?" And I was like, "Yeah, that sounds great." And we went to class, we got lunch, we hung out, we came back to my house, we hooked up. Already, he, like, had, he was like a one-minute man. And again, I was like, "Okay, like, maybe he's nervous, he's anxious, right? Like, I'm holding space, whatever, I'm not judging." And so he leaves and he's texting me every day and we have the nicknames of each other and the phones and all of this. He comes back, we still, we start spending more time together and, and then we go to see, then like, maybe a month in, he's like, "I really want to meet your sister, like, do you want to go down to San Diego, do a trip?" And I was like, "Yeah, like, let's do it." So I bring him down, my sister meets him, this is the first time, guy my sister has met in like, a year and a half. So, it's a pretty big deal for me. And everyone's like, "He's nice," but like, no, I don't think anyone really understood it.

• 10:36Sabrina Zohar?

  I was like, "Whatever, you know, he's a nice guy, I'm giving it a try." And I remember, like, every time I wanted to sleep with him, he was resistant. And he would, like, push it off. And it was getting to the point where, like, I'm, I'm about to fuck a tree at this point. Like, I'm so sexually turned on from this person, we have these really intense makeouts, but then he, he either keep, he can't last for more than a second or he can't get it up. So I'm like, "I'll be patient, I'll be patient, I'll be patient." And like, I started to notice the bigger differences in us, just like, the fact that, like, he stopped eating, he, he, his last meal was a smoothie at 3 o'clock. And then he didn't want to eat anything. And I was like, "Oh, I can't live like that. Like, what if we travel and, like, I don't want to have a smoothie for dinner at 3 o'clock and then not eat and he had gastro issues." But again, like, I'm, I'm trying to be understanding and say, "Let me give him a try."

• 11:19Sabrina Zohar?

  He tells me, when I said, "What happened to all your past relationships?" And he said, "I get a bug at 2 months where I am really into the person, then all of a sudden I realize I don't like them." And so, of course, in my brain, I'm like, "Ooh, red flag," but also, "Challenge accepted." And I met his grandparent, grandfather with him and his grandfather grabbed his hand and said, "Don't fuck this one up, she's the real one." And I remember going, "Red flag, right? Like, your grandfather." And he was the sweetest man, he was so, so sweet, I really loved this guy. And we just had a great conversation and a really good time. I remember, it was, so we were supposed to go down to San Diego, I ordered, like, pies to go see my sister. At this point, we had, like, organized that he and I were gonna stay at my sister's house, my mom was gonna stay at this, but, everything was organized. And it's 3 nights before we're supposed to leave. And I go to his house, and at this point, I knew I needed to have a conversation with him.

• 12:04Sabrina Zohar?

  Like, I was like, "Something's going on." And so, we go out, we're supposed to go out to Korean barbecue, and I go over and we try to hook up. At this point, I'm like, "Hey, will you fuck me? Like, I, I'm so fucking horny, I'm like, "Please, like, please, we've been dating for 2 months now, like, can we do something?" Same thing happens. And when we were, before, we, like, when it was kind of over, I, I said, "Hey, can we talk about this? Like, if you want to go to the doctor, I'm there for you, whatever you need. I want to make sure both of our needs are satisfied and I don't want to avoid dealing with the issue at hand." Right? That was me loving myself to say, "I have needs, I matter." And if he went to the bathroom and he cleaned up and he comes out, and I'm, I'm getting ready, you know, so that we could get dressed and go to dinner, and he said, "You know,

• 12:46Sabrina Zohar?

  I think, I think the reason I'm having issues is because I don't think I'm attracted to you." And I was like, "Wait, what?" And I was like, and he's like, "Oh, don't get me wrong, you're, like, stunningly beautiful. You are the total package, fucking gorgeous, banging bod." And I, I said, "Well, how long have you been thinking this?" And he goes, "I don't know, I, I just thought about it in the bathroom, right? Like, if I can't get hard, that must mean I'm not into you." And I was like, "No, no, that, that's not typically what that means." I was like, "I don't think it's that you're sexually not attracted to me." And he goes, "You know what? You know what I think it could be? I don't know that I like your personality." And I was like, "Wait, what? I said, "Wait, why am I fucking here then?" And I just, I was like, "Oh, my God." And I just started grabbing my stuff and I was like, "I'm leaving."

• 13:30Sabrina Zohar?

  And he goes, "No, no, no, I didn't mean we're breaking up, I was just trying to share that, like, this just popped into my head." And I turned around, I said, "Learn to be discerning, motherfucker." I was like, "You don't have to share every thought that comes into your head immediately." And I said, "You might not think we're done, I'm telling you, I'm done." I was like, "I have no interest in fucking pursuing this, goodbye." And I remember leaving, I cried to my mom in the car and I said, "I'm fucking done with this shit, I'm not dealing with this anymore." And I was like, "Mom, you and I are going to San Diego." And I met Ryan, what, 5 days later? Now, I'm not saying that when you walk away from someone, you're gonna meet your partner 5 days later, but imagine if I had stayed and self-abandoned and tried to convince him. Baby, I looked at him and I said, "Uh-uh." And then, you know what? My partner now can't keep his hands off of me.

• 14:14Sabrina Zohar?

  He gets so fucking turned on for me, even just being, let alone if I'm, like, about to take a shower or something, like, hubba, hubba. Because one person who wanted to make excuses and couldn't take accountability, guess what? At the 2-month mark, all of a sudden, who couldn't take accountability and ownership, who couldn't say, "You're right, this maybe is something I should explore," I had to love myself more and walk away from that and say, "I know who the fuck I am. I tried, I gave you the benefit of the doubt, we dated for, like, 2 months, right? I didn't lose a lot of fucking time. Why do you think when I shared that one, Ryan and I met and we fucked on the first date? Because I was so, I wanted, I, I just wanted to hook up with someone, I wanted physical touch." Which, by the way, if you're single and you don't want to do that, you don't have to, go get a massage, go get a massage, trust me, baby.

• 14:57Sabrina Zohar?

  Just having someone love on you and, like, just touch you and, like, make you feel good for an hour, you leave and you're like, "Oh, okay, thank you, I didn't get my rocks off, but like, you know, at least I, at least I had physical touch with someone that, like, cared about me for an hour." I'm just saying, that's a, a single girl trick. The reason I share the story is because that is, to me, choosing yourself. I, again, I could've begged him, I could've pleaded, and I remember him being like, "But we were supposed to go away together." And I was like, "Fuck you, dude." I was like, "We're not fucking going away anywhere." And then it worked out perfectly. The Airbnb that my brother-in-law's, like, brother, whatever, family was supposed to have, they couldn't come because work got canceled, so me and my mom got to stay there. And then, me and Ryan, like, that's why me and Ryan matched, because I was in that proximity. Had I been further away, we probably would've matched. To me, proximity and timing matter so much more than love.

• 15:42Sabrina Zohar?

  Men marry the woman in front of them at the time when they are ready. That is because proximity and timing matter so much more than actual compatibility. You could meet someone, incredible, but if you're going through grief, or you're unemployed, or your mental state isn't there, you don't have capacity or bandwidth, you cannot suddenly change. It's why if he wanted to, he would, it's bullshit. You don't just one day magically wake up and you're like, "Now I have the bandwidth." It takes work and dedication. That's why proximity and timing matter more than love. You need to be at the right place at the right time to receive somebody. And if you're gonna hold on and say, "Right person, wrong time," you're fucking kidding yourself. What makes someone right is that they're in your life at the right time, baby. Oh, my God, you guys, I'm so sorry to interrupt because this podcast is so fucking good, but I had to let you know first, I'm going on tour!

• 16:26Sabrina Zohar?

  Oh, my God! So, I have 3 tour dates as of right now. I know, babies, I wanted to add more cities, but we gotta blow this shit up and then we can always add more. So, October 6th, I will be in London, I'll be with Tom Stroud and we are doing a Q&A and a book reading. October 16th is my one-woman show here in LA, that is a very special night where you actually get to have more of me. It's not just a book show, but every ticket includes a book. And then, October 27th, I will be in San Diego at Warwick's, the bookstore with Masha Kay, doing a book reading and Q&A. Everything is at sabrina zohar dot com backslash tour. I cannot wait to hug you guys and thank you so fucking much for being here. All right, now, back to the show.

• 17:06Speaker 00

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• 18:05Sabrina Zohar?

  So, let's get back to some questions that you guys asked. I'm trying hard to accept myself fully, but I keep judging myself. How do I stop? You know that saying, "Your ego is not your amigo," and kill the ego? Do you realize how trash advice that is? And do you know why? Because your inner critic didn't appear out of fucking nowhere. That is adaptive, right? You have to think about it. If you grew up believing that making mistakes meant rejection or criticism, then what happens is criticism became your brain's attempt at preventing abandonment. And so, your brain thinks it's actually protecting you right now. And so, what we have to do is we want to get curious about that critic. Okay, so if it's, "I'm an idiot and I'm a loser and all this," okay, where did I learn that from? Right?

• 18:50Sabrina Zohar?

  That's literally why I wrote this fucking book is for you to understand your patterns and to get to know that inner critic. You've got to become friends with it. The more we try to run away from it, I don't want to look at that. Right? That's why my therapist questioned my therapist, asked me, "What parts of yourself do you not think are lovable changed my life?" Because if I don't think those parts are lovable, that means I don't love those parts. Because now I go, "Yeah, I might have anxiety, but that doesn't, that means I'm just not for everybody." Because, yeah, I learned that from somewhere. I don't think it's gonna go away. But if someone can't love me for all of these parts, then it's not worth it. You know, I was at a dinner party last night and I just realized it was people that I like wasn't really that close to. And I realized how me coming out and saying things, right? I, look how it could have gone two ways.

• 19:36Sabrina Zohar?

  I was calling things out, right? Well, there's this one girl, don't really know her that well. She's talking about her relationship and I'm like, "This sounds terrible." And all the people there are gloating on her, are telling her, "Oh, it's you and you're being too much and you need to calm down and this." And I stopped and I went, "But you're, you're just, your partner was really rude to you and disrespectful? He snaps at you? He discredits you?" And I was like, "Why are we, why are you blaming yourself? I can take ownership and say, 'Hey, maybe I'm not talking about it the right way.'" But if I'm coming with like clarity and I statement and this person's still deflecting, when I said that, everybody started to go, "Well, no." And then I found out it's because the other girl is dating a guy the same way. And so, I said, "Oh, I'm threatening your homeostasis here." Because me saying something means both of you have to actually start to look at yourself.

• 20:21Sabrina Zohar?

  I came home and Ryan said, "How was dinner?" And I said, "Heh." And he was like, "Tell me, what happened?" And I said, "Man, for a minute, I want, I started to believe for a hot minute, I'm too much." And I stopped it immediately and I went, "No, bitch. That's just not your person. These aren't your people." And he hugged me and he goes, "For what it's worth, you're never too much for me." That's what I mean by finding someone who loves you flaws and all. Because I had to love myself like that. I have to be comfortable to go, "Yeah, right now I'm anxious and I'm scared and this podcast episode didn't do well, or this reel is tanking, or oh my God, we did this and we didn't sell enough. Fuck, how am I gonna pay?" Yeah, sometimes it's gonna happen. And if I have a partner that I have to be conditional around, then I am just replicating everything I learned in my childhood and loving myself and choosing myself means that I have to say,

• 21:06Sabrina Zohar?

  "I don't give a fuck what you think of me. I care about what I think of me." And there was some FMRI research done by called Paul Gilbert and colleagues that found self-criticism activates the brain's threat system, while self-assurance activates areas involved in emotional regulation. Your brain literally responds differently depending on how you speak to yourself. If you talk to your friend the way you speak to yourself, I highly doubt you'd have any fucking friends left. If you started telling your friend, "Yeah, you're a fucking idiot and you're stupid and no one likes you," I don't think anybody would want to be around you. So, I need you to start to look at yourself, the way that you're talking to yourself. Because baby, what you allow within yourself is what you're gonna allow externally. So, start to look around at all the behavior and the way that people are acting and then start to see how you fucking show up for you. How do I focus on the positives about myself after getting dumped? We don't force it.

• 21:51Sabrina Zohar?

  We don't force it. But what we want to do is we want to separate rejection from your identity. Someone ended the relationship, okay? The relationship is over. That doesn't have to mean that your worth is tied. You know, I did a reel once and people really didn't understand it because I didn't have enough nuance and that I understand. So, let me share it. You know, we dated for a month or two or three. I'm hell in a handbasket and I'm so, I'm crying and I'm all this. And they've moved on and you're like, "Okay, this was a small stint. You guys barely knew each other. It was not, I'm not saying you're not allowed to be sad, but six, seven, eight months later, you're still pining after them. Meanwhile, that person moved on." You know what the difference is? The story and the narrative that has been created. Because someone healthy and secure go, "Okay, yeah, I can hold two conflicting thoughts. I really liked that person. They were awesome and attractive and fun and sexy and fuck, I really wanted it to work.

• 22:36Sabrina Zohar?

  But just because it didn't work, doesn't mean there's something wrong with me." That helps you then go, "Okay, I closed the loop, right? I, that doesn't mean that it has to mean about me." When I start to attack myself, that's when I start to say, "Okay, how valid is this? Whose fucking voice is that? Whose voice is that?" For me, a lot of the times, it's my dad. I even had like a snafu with a person I hired. And I talked to my therapist about it and she, I said, "Man, maybe I'm just not a good business owner." And she asked me, "Do you believe that you're not a good business owner? Or is that somebody who's told you that?" And I said, "It's my dad." Because I'll never forget the first year, I'd never made so much money. And it wasn't like that much, not like I'm a fucking billionaire. But just for myself, like being myself and authentic with you guys and then having brands that want to work with you.

• 23:19Sabrina Zohar?

  And that's why sometimes I get a little gutted when people complain about the ads because you're like, "Yeah, but this, that means that people believe in me. That means that people believe in us, that they want you. They care about your ear balls. They know that you trust me, that I would never bring you something that I don't believe in." And that is a good thing because then I can keep the show free. Like when I see my friends get branded stuff, I'm fucking stoked for them because I'm like, "Fuck, yeah. I'm glad that they fucking saw you in the way that you deserve to be seen." I remember telling my dad and calling him and going, "Oh, my God. I just got my tax return back. I made X amount." And his response was, "Huh? I pay that in my taxes." And I cried because I was like, "Oh, right, you're right. I'm not good enough. I didn't do enough. I didn't, I, I'm an idiot." And it hurt.

• 24:03Sabrina Zohar?

  It hurt so bad that now, when something doesn't work, I had to ask and I said, "Do I genuinely believe I'm not good? Or do I then talk to all my friends who have businesses going to it? I don't know how you do it. You're so fucking good. You're so smart." Because I had to challenge that. And I had to say, "I don't actually think I'm not a good business owner. I might not be discerning immediately. I might be giving too much trust to the people I hire quickly. I can, I can hold space, but I could take accountability all day for that. But I'm not going to attack myself because it didn't work out. Because that person decided to be unethical and sign a contract that they didn't actually read. And then they come back at me and upset with me when you agreed to fucking terms. I don't understand the problem." And instead of attacking myself, it's the same with your dating, right?

• 24:48Sabrina Zohar?

  Or you're in a relationship that you're like, "I did everything right and it still didn't work." Oh, you want another story? I'm telling you, I'm full of fucking stories today. I had the biggest client of my life two weeks ago. He DM'd me and I, I froze when I saw his blue check and his name and I was like, "Oh, my God. Oh, my God." And I've had that before. Like I've, I've gone out with celebrities and stuff and they've dropped me like a bad habit. I give so much. I give all my time and my energy. And that's why now I'm like, "No, no, no, no. You book a session with me. You miss it, that's it. You are like everybody else."

• 25:22Speaker 00

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• 25:52Speaker 03

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces. So, I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 26:21Sabrina Zohar?

  This is exactly, this is an exact story on choosing yourself. And so, he messaged me and he said, "Here's my phone number and my email. Please send me the info. I want to work with you." So, I sent him a voice note and I said, "Oh, my God. So great to connect. I'm so happy to help. And I mentioned the book and he's like, "Oh, my God, can I help you with the book?" And I'm sitting there and I'm like, "This is a dream come true." But I remember looking at Ryan going, "But don't get too excited. It ain't, it doesn't happen until it fucking happens, right? That's the same as like you meet someone and they love bomb you and you're like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." As much as I want this to work out, I'll believe it when I see it. Don't take people's word." Goes ahead and books his appointment. Awesome. I clear my day. I knew, I was like, "I want to be present and ready." My, the team is so excited and I'm like, "Oh, my God. Like I can't wait to help him. I can't wait to work with him and really get into it because I love working one-on-one with people.

• 27:06Sabrina Zohar?

  It's so fun for me." 10 minutes before the appointment, he cancels. And they say, "I'm so sorry, you know, he, he got sick. Can he do something on Monday with you?" If I had the boundaries, I would have gone, "No, I'm so sorry. You missed it. You canceled 10 minutes before. Here's the link. You can book again." But I really wanted it to work. I did. So, I said, "Sure, I'll remove, I'll move it." And I had to jig things around. I had to do this and I had a recording right after. There was a big recording and I was like, "Oh, it's fine, it's fine. I'll just do it before and it's okay if I'm tired." Same thing happens. Monday morning comes around 10 minutes before. "So sorry, he's not gonna make it. Can we do it another day?" And I said, "No. No, we can." I said, "I'm so excited to work with you. Please, no." I said, "But you are now disrespecting my time." Because my time does matter as well. I get it. You have so many other things going on.

• 27:50Sabrina Zohar?

  But if you'd like to work with me, then moving forward, you're gonna have to book another appointment." And his team came back and went, "Oh, no, we'll absolutely pay you for your time." They never paid me for my time. They never booked again. I never heard from him. And look what happened. Because I didn't have those boundaries in that moment, because I'm a fucking human and I got excited because you are too. I went against what I believed in my core was, "I'm worthy of more, deserving of more." No, I was like, "Oh, my God, he's gonna help me and he's gonna do it and my life will be better." And look what happened. Had I set that boundary from the beginning, probably wouldn't have booked again, probably wouldn't have heard from him. I wouldn't have had to change my day. And because I didn't, what happened? I still didn't work with him. I still never heard from him again, and I still didn't get the end result. And when did I do? I lost more of myself. And that's the example of loving yourself and choosing yourself means having to say no

• 28:34Sabrina Zohar?

  and risk losing people because I lost myself instead. I put my self-worth on the line and who I was. And now I went, and even Ryan looked at me and he goes, babe, you need to remember, you are just as fucking important as any of these goddamn people. And I need you to remember that. And I said, you're right. I forgot who the fuck I was, that I matter. I still sometimes think I'm that 20-year-old girl that was pathetic and meek and begging anybody for attention. And I get to outgrow myself, which is why, first of all, stoked I fit into this outfit still after three and a half years, but why I wore it? Because I wanted to show myself, look how far I've come. Look how far I've come. The girl that used to wear this begging men for approval to pick her and please, please, please, is now the woman sitting in front of you saying, choose yourself, baby. Start saying no.

• 29:19Sabrina Zohar?

  Start showing up, right? Even when somebody's asked, you know, why do I love myself after being ghosted? I get it. Ghosting is uncertain and that your brain fucking hates uncertainty. That's why you keep replaying all of it. You're looking for the answer. You gotta give yourself that closure, baby. There was a study done, humans are surprisingly poor at predicting how long emotional pain will last. We overestimate how permanent rejection will feel. And so if you want to actually be able to moan on after someone ghosts you, then I need you to hold them accountable for their behavior and you hold yours. Hey, I feel less than, I feel like a loser. I feel pathetic right now. Okay, that's human. I learned that from somewhere. This was triggered by this person and it is the wound that is coming out. You're working with your therapist? Fuck, yeah. Bring it to them. I felt like I was six years old.

• 30:03Sabrina Zohar?

  Also, why I wrote this book, right? Wrote this book. Why am I like this? Please go preorder it, please. And please get the hardcover. The hardcover is how we make the New York Times Best Selling List. I've got about like 7,500 more copies I need to sell, so I need your help. We've sold so many audiobook and I'm so grateful. Of course, get whatever the fuck you want, but it's sabrina'sheart.com/book. You get your free course and workbook, because I thank you. Doesn't matter what version you get, ebook, audio, just please don't DM me the receipt. I can't help you. Just go to the website. If you want to accept that you are worthy and deserving and enough of love, you have to stop trying to convince yourself and you have to start showing up in ways that you actually believe in. Because worth isn't something you earn from another person. And there was even a research done, and this is like the manifestation aspect of it, that

• 30:46Sabrina Zohar?

  when you believe it, even if you're like, okay, I might not fully believe it, but there's a part of me that doesn't and a part of me that does. Then I want you to say, okay, well, then what's contrary? Because it's cognitive dissonance. I know this, but I show up differently. Head, feet and heart are not in the same place. So if I know, I'm, of course, I'm worthy and deserving of love, then what do I keep seeing? Because if the behavior I keep seeing, is that somebody who loves themselves? Would they do that? So then that's where I would say, where did I learn that this about myself? Maybe it was from something somebody didn't say. It's not always the obvious. Maybe it's how my father used to, and walk off and reject me. And I would feel small and then mixed with ADHD where I'm like, oh, rejection sensitivity and hypervigilance. And I can read every facial expression and I see what's going on and da, da, da.

• 31:30Sabrina Zohar?

  And it just created an amalgamation of a ball of anxiety. Now, like what happened after this person? I went, well, it's his loss. I know I'm a really good fucking coach and I know I'm really fucking good at what I do. And if you don't want to be part of it, that's okay. I wish you the best on your journey. I don't have to villainize him or what a fucking asshole piece of, not at all. I, I don't care, right? Whatever his reasons are, but I know who I am and it's a practice, right? When I wake up in the morning to go to the class, do I want to work out every single day? No, but I know it's good for me. Do I want to go to therapy and find this time for myself and do? Not always, right? Sometimes I want to ruminate on the couch and just fucking cry and spiral, but I know I'm cognizant enough and aware to say, I have to love myself.

• 32:13Sabrina Zohar?

  And loving myself means saying no, means canceling plans when I don't want to go, means not showing up at a place, means not overexerting myself, means setting a boundary with you guys and going, no, I don't answer DMs for free advice. You want to work with me, you pay. My time is valuable, right? That's a boundary. You know how many people fight it? Oh, my God. So you're just in this for the money? It's like, do you do your job for free? Like, just because you didn't get your fucking weight doesn't mean you need to villainize other people or attack other people because we didn't do what you want. And that's loving yourself is saying, oh, that's fine. I'll lose you. Then good luck. Go find someone like me who's going to give you everything without getting, without having any reciprocity because of that person's self-abandoning. So you want to fucking choose yourself? Start to ask yourself, what did I used to accept that I'm no longer willing to? Start to get curious about the ways that you show up that don't feel in alignment. No, I don't want to go to this dinner. Then stop saying yes.

• 32:58Sabrina Zohar?

  Start to understand what am I scared of happening? Oh, I'm going to look like a bad friend. Share that. I was with my girlfriends the other day and one of the girlfriends, she said, I'm going to be honest with you. How I show up as a friend is not from texting. She's like, I am so bad. I've got 150 messages I don't see. Not everybody wants to text. Like, that's the fucking crazy thing. Not everybody wants to text you. And then they looked at me and I was like, I respond immediately. And they were like, yeah, you know, doesn't that give you anxiety? I was like, no, what you guys do gives me anxiety. I was like, not answering for fucking days or months. I'm like, I couldn't do that, but no one's right or wrong. Now I know, okay, thank you for telling me. This is how you show up as a friend. You can show up in these ways and that I know and that works for me. And so here, and I show up like this, when I answer immediately, please know, answer whenever you want. Because of my ADHD, if I don't answer, I'm going to forget.

• 33:42Sabrina Zohar?

  And then 10 business days go by and I go, oh, my God, I didn't answer. You're allowed to make new relationships with people. You're allowed to have new ways of showing up. You don't have to be the same person. And I say that for you and me. I do. I have to accept and acknowledge, I'm not the girl that started this show three and a half years ago. I'm more confident now. I still have my insecurities because I'm a human, but I've been through a lot and I get to show up differently. And if that means I lose people, that's okay. I don't need to keep people who aren't there for me. I'd rather have a smaller pool of my besties, of you guys that are my fucking ride or dies, than have people that are conditional and only want me because I do something for them, because I talk about avoidance. No. And that's thing, it comes with grief. Choosing yourself comes with grief and I need you to be okay with that. Okay.

• 34:28Sabrina Zohar?

  Tool of the week, right? What are we going to implement? Tool of the week and product of the week this week are my two, it's like my favorite parts of this. So tool of the week, when you start to get down on yourself, I want you to ask, whose voice is this? Who is, whose thought is in my head? And I, because I know you'd be like, uh, mine? No. So you're telling me if you had a seven-year-old right there, when you feel like a child that doesn't feel good enough, so you look at that kid and go, yeah, you're right, they're not good enough. Look at them, they're a fucking idiot. Really? I want you to just start to notice, whose voice is that? And then see where you feel it. If you're like, whoa, that's in my chest. Sit with that. Put your clock for two minutes and just close your eyes of, that feels really heavy. That reminds me of my dad. I really hate that fucking feeling. And then start to ask, what would that look like in alignment? So if I say, I want to be somebody who doesn't accept somebody's bullshit, well, then that

• 35:12Sabrina Zohar?

  means I need to not accept their bullshit and set boundaries. So that's your tool this week. Whose voice is it? And just get curious. Maybe if it's your dad, fuck off. Leave me alone. I'm done with this. All right, friends, product of the week. Uh, I can't believe I'm admitting this. I can't believe I'm admitting this. When I met Ryan, I hated his outfits and I hated his shoes. They were barefoot shoes and I thought they were ugly. Well, barefoot shoes have changed my life. I have the Vivo Barefoot. I will link them in the show notes on Amazon. I know they're a hundred bucks. I get it. It's not the cheapest thing in the world, but bitch, you spend a hundred dollars on shitty things in the world. These have changed my walks. I throw them on, I am not getting ankle pain. My feet are getting stronger. I feel, no joke, I'm like, I'm a wild animal in the jungle. And I, as I walk, I. Change how your walks are. Enjoy your shit.

• 35:57Sabrina Zohar?

  It made me sad. Somebody said, yeah, but what's the point of going on a stupid walk when I'm just trying to distract myself? And I said, but that's the problem. You think that a walk is a distraction, but that's actually the tool. So make it intentional. Get your fucking Vivo Barefoot on, which I'd love if they want to sponsor me. I mean, if you guys are hearing this, please do. I love your fucking shoes. Put your fucking shoes on, go out for a walk, go for a workout, go lift some weights and make it intentional. Use that time. And today, when I was in class, I was wearing my Vivos, I was going up the stair stepper and I'm like, burn the anxiety, burn the energy. You got this. I make it intentional and I am present with it because that's the point of these tools. That's why I share products with you guys that legitimately work. Zero shoes are also another option. Zeros were a little wider for me.

• 36:41Sabrina Zohar?

  So personally, Ryan loves them. I couldn't wear them. The Vivos are thinner. So because I have a thinner foot and ankle, they work perfectly for me. Either of them will change your walk so that you can regulate in a different way and stop having probably back pain and any kind of leg pain. My babes, this was a really fun episode. I love you guys. Thank you for being here and thank you for allowing me to be my messy, authentic self with you guys, because it means the world. Don't forget to preorder my book, Why Am I Like This? On Amazon, you can go to any local bookstore. Please, guys, tell every friend you know. Go get your free course and workbook. We are checking receipts, so make sure you upload your receipt after. Please, please order the hardcover or you could order both, hardcover and audio, but please, I will be reading it to you. But I love you guys. I'm so grateful for you. Thank you for showing up and being here with me.

• 37:24Sabrina Zohar?

  I love you guys and until next time, my babes, we'll see you soon.

• 37:38Speaker 01

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• 38:05Speaker 03

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces, so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.