204: Stop Trying to Be Picked. Start Picking Yourself. (Live Coaching)

In the first ever live coaching session of The Sabrina Zohar Show, Sabrina sits down with brand ambassador and content creator Judit Moreno for an unfiltered conversation about anxious attachment, the father wound, and why so many of us keep dating emotionally unavailable men. They unpack how childhood shapes adult relationship patterns, what love bombing does to your nervous system, and why self-abandonment can feel like home when chaos was your blueprint for love. If you have ever wondered why you keep attracting the same partner in different bodies, spiraled in anxious attachment dating cycles, or felt like you are "too much" in relationships, this episode is for you. Sabrina walks Judit through real-time inner child work, reparenting, and the powerful mindset shift from wanting to be picked to actually choosing yourself. A must listen for anyone working on attachment theory, healing childhood trauma, and breaking toxic dating patterns for good. Pre-order Sabrina's book coming out October 2026,⁠ "Why Am I Like This?"⁠ If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step ⁠HERE!⁠ If you’re serious about changing your dating patterns instead of repeating them, the Art of Going Slow course helps you unlearn urgency, regulate your nervous system, and build real connection without rushing, chasing, or abandoning yourself ⁠HERE!⁠ Get Ad free ⁠HERE!⁠ Watch on Spotify. Spotify subscribers get fewer ads on my video. Want to work with Sabrina? ⁠HERE!⁠ Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show ⁠HERE!⁠ Don't forget to follow ⁠Sabrina⁠ and ⁠The Sabrina Zohar Show⁠ on Instagram and ⁠Sabrina ⁠on TikTok! Video now available on ⁠YOUTUBE!⁠ Please support our sponsors! Go to Quince.com/SABRINA for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. Machine Washable Rugs, Made Better. For a limited time only, our listeners get 10% off + free shipping at tumbleliving.com/SABRINA #Tumble #ad ============================= Chapters: 00:00 First Live Coaching Session 05:15 Anxious Attachment & Father Wound 10:36 When Anxiety Takes Over Your Body 14:47 Be Picked vs. Picking Yourself 19:30 Toxic Love, Gaslighting & Cheating 24:38 Normalizing Chaos in Childhood 29:39 Why Chaos Feels Like Love 35:27 Who Are You Without Struggle? 41:08 Loving the Parts You Hate 46:13 Shame, Guilt & Reparenting Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  LinkedIn is pretty amazing at helping you grow your small business. We cannot stop your new clients from emailing you at 3 a.m. We can help you sell, market, and hire in one place. We cannot help you be in three places at once. And while we can't help you organize your calendar, LinkedIn can help you land more clients so you have a calendar to organize. Grow your small business on LinkedIn. Learn more at LinkedIn.com/smallbusiness.

• 0:30Speaker 01

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• 0:36Speaker 02

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• 0:47Speaker 03

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• 1:24Speaker 01

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• 1:30Sabrina Zohar?

  Why doesn't this person want to be with me? What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Am I just doomed to fucking repeat the same issues over and over and over again, and never actually get through it? A question I think a lot of us ask, and something that I think most of us get stuck on is, where did I learn this from? How old do I feel? And man, will I ever be able to break this? And today, we're gonna do just that. Hello, hello, hello! And welcome to another episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Hello, friends! Welcome back to a very, very special episode. This is our first live coaching episode. I'm so excited. I have a really good friend of mine, Judith, is here, and we are gonna have a really, really beautiful conversation, where we get into the nits and crannies, and really start to under- It's not just one parent, but maybe it's a whole slew of an army as a kid that taught

• 2:15Sabrina Zohar?

  us all of these things that we just frankly speaking want to fucking let go of. And I'm so excited. Guys, thank you as always for being here. Please don't forget to rate and review the show. If you need anything, you can work one-on-one, ask a question, join one of the courses that we have, The Art of Going Slow or the Healthy Dating Foundation course. Everything is going to be at the link in show notes or sabrina zohar.com. Don't forget to follow along on the socials at the Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram, sabrina underscore zohar on TikTok. And guys, thank you for being here. I know that, you know, if you're new, I curse a lot. I speak really fast. I'm really sharp. You could slow the speed down. You could do ad-free. You can choose your own adventure. Or you could just be here. And I'm so grateful for that. And if it doesn't work for you, that's okay. If this is your last show, don't worry about it. But we are building a really strong community

• 2:58Sabrina Zohar?

  of feeling safe and feeling supported in the space that we're in. So I just ask for the same kindness that we give back. And please don't forget to show love, share it with a friend. And thank you for being here. Thank you so much for building the community with me. So without further ado, babes, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? Hi, Juden.

• 3:16Speaker 05

  Hi, love.

• 3:16Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm so excited. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I have all the things. But I am so excited and stoked to have you. Welcome to the Sabrina Zohar Show.

• 3:24Speaker 05

  Thank you so much. It's my pleasure to be here. I have followed you for so long. And the fact that I'm here, I'm like...

• 3:31Sabrina Zohar?

  I know. Well, when we became friends and then we were like, wait, because like the number one thing we've been requested is please do a live coaching session. And I know that's wild because I'm so used to being private with that. And so we're opening it up today, my friends. And today, you guys are gonna get the meat and potatoes. And so I have my iPad. I take notes when I do sessions. So if you guys just see me jotting down things, don't be surprised. But Ms. Juden, before we get started, could you maybe just share a little bit about who you are, what you do, just so that the audience can feel a little bit more welcomed with you?

• 4:01Speaker 05

  Sure. So I'm from Barcelona, Spain.

• 4:05Sabrina Zohar?

  Barcelona?

• 4:05Speaker 05

  Barcelona.

• 4:07Speaker 05

  My name is Jete Moreno and I am a brand ambassador and content creator. Basically, everything that I do is based in fitness and wellness. So yeah, I've been in the US now for 10 years. Moved here when I was 23 and I'm turning 34 in November. So it's been a ride, girl.

• 4:28Sabrina Zohar?

  What have you seen as the biggest difference between Barcelona and the States specifically? And especially in dating, I'm curious.

• 4:36Speaker 05

  Loaded question. I think Spanish culture in general tends to be a little more warm. We are more welcoming, in a sense. I'm not saying everybody, you know, like, of course, there's exceptions. But I feel like that was probably the shocking part for me. Yeah, like I had to like kinda keep myself more together when I moved here.

• 4:58Sabrina Zohar?

  I know it's when people will write in and they're like, I met someone who's Spanish and they keep saying love and baby and all this. And I'm like, I get it. And then people argue with me, they're like, but that's the culture. Like, yeah, but that doesn't mean that like we're used to that. I was like, you might be used to that, but it's okay to say I'm not. And I think that that's like a big jarring difference.

• 5:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, definitely. The amount of times I have been called intense, it's like quite insane.

• 5:23Sabrina Zohar?

  When you were in New York, no, was it more so here?

• 5:27Speaker 05

  Actually, it was more in LA, which I thought it was gonna be the opposite for some reason. But no, I feel like in New York, people understood me better and I kinda like, I like fit better there. Which at first I thought it was gonna be the complete opposite. Cause there's so many Spaniards here that, you know, I was like, I think I'm gonna fit more in LA.

• 5:47Sabrina Zohar?

  Nope. I found that, I was talking to my therapist yesterday about it, where I was like, man. She said, do you feel like you're too much and speak too fast? And I said, no, actually, thanks to the people that review that, that tell me I do. I said, that's when I started learning about it. I was like, it wasn't until I moved to LA where people kept talking about my speed of voice. And I was like, I've been in New York for 12 years, no one fucking said anything. Or when I started creating fucking content publicly with people, everybody telling me their fucking opinion of things, that I started to realize like, oh, okay, then I'm different, right? Different doesn't mean bad, but I just had to come to the realization, like, you don't fit in everywhere. And so that's for another day. But, okay. I usually start, anytime I even have a client, anytime I even have a session, usually what I start with is, why are we here? What brought us here today?

• 6:31Sabrina Zohar?

  Now, I know that you and I are a little different, but I wanted to just be able to kind of notate and jot down. What are you starting to notice in your dating life? What are something, whether it be a problem that you're facing? What are you starting to notice that maybe we could start to identify some patterns?

• 6:46Speaker 05

  Oh, attachment. That's definitely one. A lot of anxiety attachment, for sure. I would say it has to do with my dad, for 1,000%. Which is things, these kind of things I'm noticing now that I'm an adult, and after like, obviously going to therapy. But at first, it was very like, unknown and very confusing for me, because I was like, why am I so different? Like, why am I so weird? Like, why am I like this? And why always, like, men that I date are telling me that I'm like, too much, right?

• 7:23Speaker 05

  And I was kind of punishing myself for that. I was like, why am I so strange? Like, what's, what's wrong with me? But I see it so different now.

• 7:33Sabrina Zohar?

  Could you share a little bit more? I'm curious. One, because you said attachment and anxiety. What did that look like for you while you were dating? How did that manifest?

• 7:42Speaker 05

  When someone wouldn't text me in a period of time, my brain would spiral in a way where I would be like, oh my God, this person doesn't like me anymore. Oh my God, this person doesn't want to be with me anymore. Like, why did I do? Like, I always thought I was doing something wrong, even though nothing was happening. And maybe that person was totally fine with me. It was not, you know, but my brain would just go everywhere and create all these different scenarios, where I was like, wow, there's, I have to do something about this. Like, this is an issue for me.

• 8:19Speaker 05

  Yeah, and I would like, not be able to eat, not be able to sleep, not be able to go to work, not be able to do my regular things, because of my brain going 1,000 miles per hour.

• 8:32Sabrina Zohar?

  Disregulated.

• 8:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, and it's hard.

• 8:36Sabrina Zohar?

  Hard as an understatement. But I am curious because obviously, like, I think most of the people listening right now can relate of like, feeling like you're too much, feeling like you're not enough, feeling like there's something wrong with you, like fundamentally flawed, that was at least my narrative. But when you started to notice that and you started to see the behavior, what did that look like in dating for you? Like, okay, so you were spiraling, but then how were you showing up with the people that you were dating? And what were you starting, what were you dating? Were you dating emotionally unavailable? Were you dating the people that were playing games? Were you dating people that were honest that you weren't into? Like, what did that look like for you?

• 9:06Speaker 05

  Mostly unavailable, emotionally unavailable, for sure. One thousand percent. And people that would like probably say one thing, but do the exact opposite of what they were saying. Like, they love bombing. You know, at first, oh my god, they like you so much, they really wanna be with you, they give you all their time, and then all of a sudden, they start being busy or not having that much time for you. Or like, oh my god, I was busy, that's why I didn't text you in six hours. And I was like, okay, so, you know, is it me? Is it the person I'm seeing? Like, who, who is it, right? And again, I always have this, this thing where I blame myself all of the time.

• 9:49Speaker 05

  I don't wanna call it playing the victim, but in a sense, yes, I was kinda playing the victim because I was the only one that had the power to get out of that situation if I didn't like it.

• 9:59Sabrina Zohar?

  Right.

• 10:00Speaker 05

  You know?

• 10:00Sabrina Zohar?

  Those are the choices that we're making. But, okay, so you started therapy and you said, you mentioned it was your dad. Could you share a little bit more about, like, what did that look like? What was your childhood? What was your upbringing? What was your relationship to him?

• 10:11Speaker 05

  Yes. So my dad was abusive towards my mom since I was a kid, even before I was born. Um, so this was a very big thing for me because of course, the first people that you see, that you have contact with are your parents, right? And the way they love each other, um, the way they love you is the first thing that you see, right? My dad was always very distant, where like, he will give me a little bit of time, but I always felt like I had to be like, hello, I'm here, love me, why don't you pay attention to me? Why don't you play with me? Like, he was always like, don't bother me, I'm tired, don't bother me. I just got out of work, don't bother me, I'm watching TV.

• 10:54Speaker 05

  So to me, I was always trying to get his attention in any way, whatever it was. So I realized as a kid that he was not... There for me in that sense. And also like the arguments that he had with my mom constantly and all of that were carrying like this huge anxiety inside me. Um, and it was very hard as a kid because I saw other friends of mine having this great relationship with, you know, their dad and like going to play and all of these things. And I was like, why, why not me, right? So, yeah, from there, I feel like every time that I now think about the kind of man that I attracted,

• 11:38Speaker 05

  it was always men that kind of acted like my dad, where I always had to be like, I'm here, did you see me? And I didn't notice until of course started therapy where they were like, do you see like any similar, you know, stuff in between that? And I was like, oh my gosh, yes, totally, which is insane. And I remember also asking you stuff at a certain point, where I was like, I think I'm losing it, like.

• 12:07Sabrina Zohar?

  Yeah, when you were like obsessive over a half ugly medium guy that was just like so not, so out of your league, it was like palpable that this guy couldn't even hold a conversation, but yet you wanted him to pick you.

• 12:17Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 12:18Sabrina Zohar?

  Totally get that. I'm curious, when those moments happen and you start to feel like I really want them to choose me, I really want them to pick me, were you feeling that in your body or was it mostly conscious in your head?

• 12:28Speaker 05

  Oh, I was feeling it in my body as well.

• 12:30Sabrina Zohar?

  Where were you feeling it?

• 12:31Speaker 05

  Mostly like my anxiety and like my, it's like a nut that I felt in my, my stomach. Where like even eating or anything like that will become impossible. I wouldn't be hungry, I wouldn't be wanting to like go out with my friends or like even go to work or even drive to like go on a hike, which are things that I normally love doing. I was not able to do regular things.

• 12:59Sabrina Zohar?

  It robs you of your life at that point. This episode is sponsored by Quince. So for me, Quince is my go-to. I love that they have fabrics that feel elevated. The fits are flattering and everything just works without me having to really overthink it. But for Mother's Day, I got my mom one of their cashmere sweaters in red. She wears it every single day, I swear. She's like a six-year-old who just got a new pair of sneakers and wants to show them off. She is obsessed. I mean, first of all, the color is so flattering on her. The quality, the price, I can't even talk about it. For cashmere, it is another level. And I love it because it's really versatile. And they're effortless, they're breathable, it's easy to wear. God, they have their lightweight linen pants, dresses, and they start at $30. You really cannot beat that.

• 13:41Sabrina Zohar?

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• 14:15Speaker 00

  LinkedIn is pretty amazing at helping you grow your small business. We cannot make your email response time faster. We can help you sell, market, and hire in one place. We cannot help you find space for your three desk drinks. Why do you have three? And while we can't help you find the perfect volume for your presentation video, LinkedIn can help you find the perfect audience for your business. Grow your small business on LinkedIn. Learn more at LinkedIn.com slash small business.

• 14:45Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, so you've done so much work on yourself. Like, it's very clear that you've understood in everything. Obviously, prior to doing the work, you started to notice that the similarities were like, I keep dating the same type of person. This person's making me feel the same that I felt with my dad, that, that, that, that, that, right? I think it's a narrative a lot of us understand. But now, right, you know all of that. How has your dating life been going?

• 15:06Speaker 05

  Honestly, lately, I have been keeping it to myself.

• 15:10Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay.

• 15:10Speaker 05

  A lot.

• 15:11Sabrina Zohar?

  This is a perfect place for us to keep it to yourself.

• 15:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, right. I have been a little bit more like, you know, I'm just gonna focus on myself for a little bit. Um, I think that the way that I approach things now is very different cuz I look for different things.

• 15:28Sabrina Zohar?

  Yeah.

• 15:28Speaker 05

  Before, I wanted to be picked, and now I wanna pick.

• 15:32Sabrina Zohar?

  Hmm.

• 15:33Speaker 05

  Which I think it's a little different.

• 15:35Sabrina Zohar?

  A lot, that's very different.

• 15:36Speaker 05

  A little different. Yeah, now I'm more like, I want to be with someone that really teaches me something and that really wants to share things with me. I don't wanna be with someone that I have to literally chase all the time.

• 15:50Sabrina Zohar?

  Yeah.

• 15:51Speaker 05

  Or be like, oh my god, yeah, what are you doing today? Like, I felt like in the past, I always was like me, like making the plans. I was making the plans by myself, literally. And then the person will probably take like two days to even tell me if they actually wanted to hang out or if they were free or whatever. And now it's like, no, they're supposed to be the ones that ask really, you know, that text me and tell me, hey, do you wanna hang out? At least at first, right? Like, it's gotta be a little bit push and pull, pull and push?

• 16:18Sabrina Zohar?

  Push and pull, yeah, yeah. Well, it's reciprocal, right? It's like a tennis match. You serve the ball, they serve the ball. Like, I wanna hang out, you wanna hang out. It feels like you both are active.

• 16:26Speaker 05

  Exactly. And I just, I just feel like at this moment, I just wanna focus on me. And like the things that I wanna do, the things that I don't wanna do. I'm not like, I wouldn't say I'm actively looking for somebody. If it happens, it happens. But I'm fine by myself for now.

• 16:44Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay. And it's interesting because you and I, we have a mutual friend. And I've, friend is such a loose term. He's not my friend, he might be your friend. I've spoken about him on the show, obviously in private. Like, I would never, ever give away anybody's identity because, you know, you act like a dick, I don't need to fucking promote that out in the public. But I remember just every time, it's funny, I would see you, I would see him talking to you at the gym, and in my head, I would always be like, oh, does he like that more? And I remember just sitting there abandoning. And that's before I knew you, that was before you and I had ever even connected. I didn't even, I didn't even know your name. I just knew that you were the pretty girl at the gym. I mean, it was, it was a It's a gym that there was a lot of pretty people. But I just remember sitting there and instead of sitting going, wow, okay, this person's not showing up in the ways that I need.

• 17:26Sabrina Zohar?

  This doesn't work for me. I would try to understand, maybe he likes this more. Okay, maybe they want someone that's more active. Maybe they like somebody that's more this. Maybe they like this. Maybe they like that. And self abandoning to a point where that just felt like home, right? Everything was, let me figure out why they do this and why do they do that? Instead of sitting and saying, but does that work for me? And when I made that shift, holy fuck, everything started to change. But my next kind of question goes to you. Okay, so you're not dating right now. You're taking the time for you. I'm curious, did that come, and it could be a yes and. Did that come from a place of empowerment or did that come from a place of wounding of? I'm not meeting anybody that I like right now, so I'm just gonna be alone?

• 18:06Sabrina Zohar?

  Or was it, hey, I'm actually realizing that I don't know that I want a relationship in that capacity or whatever? Like what prompted you? What led you to say, I'm gonna take some time alone? It's a beautiful place to be, but I'm curious what brought you there?

• 18:19Speaker 05

  Honestly, my last relationship was so toxic that I will say it comes from a empowerment where I was like, you know what? I need to heal myself. I need to be alone for a little bit. And I honestly feel so at peace right now that I don't wanna change that unless it's for someone that really deserves to come in my life.

• 18:47Sabrina Zohar?

  Can we talk more about the toxic relationship that you had? Because obviously that led us to where we are, but I think a lot of people could probably learn where you were at one point. And Lord knows I've had my fair share of toxic relationships. It's funny, you know, you watch the shows and you see those, especially the toxic ones. We keep going back to each other and then they leave. We keep, I never had the keep going back to each other. I had the, you're not healthy for me and I'm self abandoning to try to keep you. But I think I was so anxious that they just like weren't interested in me or, you know, my early, early twenties, fine, they just wanted to fuck. But can you share a little bit more about your toxic relationship? Because I mean, even for me, like, I think it's interesting to learn patterns. And I'm now, even as we're talking, I'm like, this is becoming less of a coaching session

• 19:28Sabrina Zohar?

  and more of a learning session because you have done so much work that I'm still intrigued to see what's left. So could you share a little bit more about what that toxic looked like?

• 19:38Speaker 05

  Of course. Where should I start? Um, okay, so I met this person through mutual friends, which I thought, great, you know? My friends kind of know this guy, so he might be actually good. Like, you know, they were all like, oh, yeah, we've seen him before. He's such a sweet person. I was like, great, so, okay. So he asked me to hang out, and I was like, sure. We hang out, everything was fine. Like, he seemed complete normal person, right? Like, at first, I feel like everybody seems normal, but whatever. And then, little by little, I started to like, have this like anxious feeling in my stomach.

• 20:19Speaker 05

  And I didn't know exactly what I was getting that feeling for, or what it was coming from, right? And he was very affectionate and very sweet until he wasn't.

• 20:35Speaker 05

  So he started to like, lie about everything and anything that you can imagine. But at the same time, gaslighting and making me think that I was crazy and making things up.

• 20:54Speaker 05

  Literally, this story is crazy because he used to, um, he used to literally just make up arguments, just wake up in the morning and try to find something to argue about so he could leave the house and for me to after find out he was cheating.

• 21:11Sabrina Zohar?

  Yeah, so he set you up?

• 21:13Speaker 05

  Yeah. So we dated, it wasn't a long relationship. It was a year and a couple of months. He started cheating on me on month three.

• 21:25Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, and you had no idea?

• 21:27Speaker 05

  Nope.

• 21:28Sabrina Zohar?

  He's just good at hiding it.

• 21:29Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 21:30Sabrina Zohar?

  And also, well, and I would imagine because if you had the insecurities and you were feeling you're too much, then him gaslighting you, you're like, oh, maybe I am, and you start to question your own reality.

• 21:38Speaker 05

  Correct. I remember asking him one time, hey, are you cheating on me? Because if you are, I will much rather for you to tell me.

• 21:46Sabrina Zohar?

  Yeah.

• 21:46Speaker 05

  Like, no, are you crazy? I will never do that to you. How can you think that about me? That was like his answer. And I was like, you know, maybe it's me, because I have so many insecurities and I'm like such a, yeah, insecure person and all of that, that maybe it's me. It's gotta be me, right? No, it was not me.

• 22:08Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm curious, before we even go on with the story, that part of you, the one that was saying, maybe it's me, whose voice is that?

• 22:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, you touch over there.

• 22:17Sabrina Zohar?

  Of course. Whose voice was that? Like, how old was that voice?

• 22:21Speaker 05

  I think it probably was like a very young Judith in there.

• 22:27Sabrina Zohar?

  And what, what do you think, for her to say it was me, how do you think she was protecting you by doing that?

• 22:32Speaker 05

  I think probably it had to do with, again, my dad. Probably the times where like, you know, he was being mean to my mother and I was like, oh, maybe it's because of me. Maybe I am the one that has something to do with this, you know? So yeah, now that you say that, it could have actually come from there.

• 22:55Sabrina Zohar?

  And also too, we have to remember even, yeah, your dad impacted you in that way, but what did your mom do? Right? How did your mom console you? Did your mom tell you, hey, it's dad, it's not you, you didn't do anything? It's like, or, you know, because we so focus sometimes on one parent, but like, what was the other parent? What was your mom's role in this, in the whole thing? It's not that anything is her fault, but how did she show up for you?

• 23:16Speaker 05

  My mom was very overprotective of me, which led to probably her trying to make me feel like the situation was not there, in a sense. Like, she was trying to make it seem like, no, but you know, this is happening now, but it's, everything's fine. Like, after this, we'll be fine. Everything's okay. But it was not okay.

• 23:36Sabrina Zohar?

  No.

• 23:37Speaker 05

  It keep repeating for years and years, to the point where...

• 23:42Speaker 05

  I was like, well, you know, it's just another day at home. Like, if there was an argument and my dad was like literally throwing plates on the wall. It was just another day.

• 23:51Sabrina Zohar?

  It's a Tuesday.

• 23:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly. When it became normal for me to be seeing them yelling at each other, or for me seeing my dad pushing my mom. Like, for me, it was like, it's just another day at home.

• 24:06Sabrina Zohar?

  Well, you know, it's interesting because we focus so heavily on the one, right? Your dad taught you to be with people that dismiss you, and that, you know, they don't have space for you, but your mom taught you not to trust yourself. Because then when her voice comes in of like, maybe I'm making this up, right? That's the little who was taught that. Because your little was taught, you're not seeing this correctly. This is normal. This is love. Don't worry about it. Because why? As a kid, you couldn't comprehend anything differently. What were you gonna do? Pack your bags and leave? But I think it's interesting that that little voice is trying to protect you by saying, maybe it's you, and maybe you made something up, maybe it's all this. But I would still ask the same question. How do you think by giving you that voice, what do you think that role is protecting you? How? Because I have it in my head, but I'm curious to see if it connects.

• 24:50Speaker 05

  How do I think the voice was protecting me? Probably like, I think, maybe like, oh, this is okay. This is, this is fine. This is normal. Yeah.

• 24:59Sabrina Zohar?

  Yeah, normalizing. And I also think because if you can say it's you, then there's the perception of control, right? If it's me, and it's my fault, well, then if I just change, then this won't keep happening. And as a kid, especially when that's what you see, right? It's not that your mom did anything wrong to hurt you. She didn't do that to be like, oh, I hope that this ruins her life. But in her mind, it was, maybe if I just don't stress her out, and don't tell, and just, it's fine, everything's okay. Go back to your room. We're gonna be okay. You also won't worry about your mom. You wouldn't have to become the parentified child that has to worry about mom and dad and you, because who's taking care of you? Who's taking care of Judith if both of the parents are not able to take care of you? And so I also could totally see how then you would date somebody that would discredit

• 25:41Sabrina Zohar?

  you, that would put you down, that wouldn't be there. And then why did your little do that? Because she sees if I change, maybe I can get them to change. Because if it's always my fault, well, then I'm the one that's in control of that.

• 25:52Speaker 05

  That's so accurate, actually, because now you're saying it. And that's true. I was always trying to be, like, I was always trying to have control over everything. Because then it feels like it's more, like I feel secure.

• 26:06Sabrina Zohar?

  I was gonna say, what does control give you of safety?

• 26:08Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly. I feel safe. Like, okay, this is, I can control it. So I can change how I am. And maybe this person will accept me if I change and I'm like more, I don't know. Because I had no idea what he actually wanted. Or if he even wanted me, right? But it made me feel, is exactly what you said. It made me feel in control to a certain degree. So yeah, I totally agree with what you just said. That's insane. I've never thought about it that way, though.

• 26:32Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm curious, dude, did your dad cheat on you, mom?

• 26:35Speaker 05

  I don't know.

• 26:36Sabrina Zohar?

  Yeah, you do. It's not a hundred percent.

• 26:37Speaker 05

  My dad was also doing drugs and drinking. And let me just also say, like, he's never not taking care of me financially.

• 26:50Sabrina Zohar?

  But I think that's also, that's a very, like, my dad's the same. They look at it as, well, if I took care of you financially, then I took care of you. I'm the parent. And so sure, that gives an element, but then that's also still conditional. Because as a kid, you learn, okay, well, I have to do well, I have to behave in the way that you want for me to be taken care of. Thanks for paying for everything, but could that go away? What about the parent? What about the, because a child, your frittata brain, right? You're seven years old, doesn't understand, oh, don't worry, you have a roof over your head, you're fine. As an adult, we're like, oh, thank God, I could pay rent. But as a child, it wouldn't shock me then, that all of this, like, especially you were saying, I'm so anxious, I can't sit still. Because also, why? Like, did you ever find yourself fantasizing a lot?

• 27:29Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 27:29Sabrina Zohar?

  In relationships?

• 27:30Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 27:31Sabrina Zohar?

  Because look at the household you had. Fantasizing kept you safe. Fantasizing is how you could escape the reality of maybe one day, this is going to happen. And so then, of course, when we're dealing with, you're dealing with toxic, what does toxic mean? This is my dad. So then one day, it will get better. Because if I change, and I fix, and I make them happy, then I'll have the life that I want. Because that's what we believe. Now, I'm curious. That voice, do you think, does she still come out? We'll get back to the toxic story, but let's stay here for a second. Does that voice still come out?

• 28:00Speaker 05

  Sometimes.

• 28:01Sabrina Zohar?

  And what do you think if she were sitting here, right next to us, cute little Judith, and she was looking at you saying, "It's all my fault, and everything's my fault, and I fuck up, and everything I do right," whatever, whatever her narrative is, what do you think she would need to hear? There's no right or wrong answers.

• 28:16Speaker 05

  Oh, she will definitely need to hear, "No, that's not true. You little, you didn't do anything wrong."

• 28:21Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay.

• 28:21Speaker 05

  You just didn't have what you needed there for you.

• 28:26Sabrina Zohar?

  Valid. Now, let me ask you a question. If you walked in and I said, "How are you feeling?" And you said, "I feel like everything's my fault, and I don't know." And I said, "You're fine. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything." Would you feel supported in that way, or would you feel dismissed?

• 28:37Speaker 05

  I might feel hurt, but not really understood.

• 28:41Sabrina Zohar?

  Right, not heard. So then maybe what your little needs to hear is, "I am so sorry that I did to you what Dad did." Because every time you self-abandon to try to keep someone, every time you go out of, every time you externally leave to keep someone in your life, you are doing to that little what other people did. Because when they say, "I'm too much," what you're saying is, "You're right." And so maybe she needs to hear, "I'm so fucking sorry, and I never meant to hurt you intentionally, but that doesn't mean anything because you got hurt. And so what do you need from me?" And now, hearing that, right, even just saying that, like, how does that feel?

• 29:13Speaker 05

  It feels so good.

• 29:15Sabrina Zohar?

  Right?

• 29:15Speaker 05

  It feels like I'm supported and actually heard.

• 29:18Sabrina Zohar?

  So if I can ask her, what would she need for her to retire that narrative? And maybe bring a new one, right? What would she need from me, or you, or us to believe that she is actually worthy and deserving of more?

• 29:31Speaker 05

  Well, it's a very hard question.

• 29:33Sabrina Zohar?

  I got some ideas, but I'm curious what comes up for you.

• 29:35Speaker 05

  I think she will need to

• 29:40Speaker 05

  get strong in a way of like trusting herself and believing in herself, because she's stronger than she thinks, for sure.

• 29:49Speaker 05

  As well as maybe like be more secure.

• 29:54Sabrina Zohar?

  So I think those are all beautiful ideas, but they're too ethereal, right? What does it look like tangibly? Does that look tangibly like you stop speaking to yourself like an asshole? Does that look tangibly like you saying, given everything I've been through, it makes total sense that I'd feel this way? Does that look like you taking a breath before reacting and so that you could actually respond? Like, what is she craving? Does she crave being authentically herself without feeling judged? So then that means that we need to give her the space to do that. And so I'd be curious, what does it look like for her to show up more securely? Because if she's not secure in who she is, she isn't trusted, she believes that she's the problem, then what does she actually need from you as the adult now in the room? And maybe that just means space to be herself. But do you actually allow her to be authentically her? Or do you still judge and shame her for, at one point, causing issues?

• 30:38Speaker 05

  I do still kinda judge her at times. In a sense of like, oh, maybe I could have done something different there, or I should have done something different here. But of course, it's what you said, right? Like, at the end of the day, I was just a kid.

• 30:57Sabrina Zohar?

  Yeah. You were just a kid, and I'd be curious. When you say that, "I was just a kid, there's nothing I could have done," does she believe you?

• 31:06Speaker 05

  No.

• 31:07Sabrina Zohar?

  Right, because sometimes we gaslight ourselves, right? Especially when we're like, "No, I'm fine." Right, 99.9% of the people that I ask, what do you think they need to hear? "I'm fine, you're okay, you're gonna be okay." But if that were the case, then all of us would be fine right now. Because if we genuinely believed that. But your nervous system was wired around chaos is love. I have to earn it, and that's how I'm gonna be safe. And so I'm curious now, if she sees something healthy, would she be able to receive that in the way? Because does she actually believe she's deserving of it?

• 31:37Speaker 05

  Honestly, I think so. It might feel weird. It might make her question a lot of things, like, oh, is this how I'm supposed to feel? Oh, this is... You know what? Actually, I have had like, a little bit of that feeling, where like, I was like, oh. Is this like, I don't feel any anxiety? That's weird. Oh, I don't have to ask this person for this or that. They're actually giving it to me. Oh, that's so weird. Ooh. There's no like misunderstandings in a sense, like, you know, we're like regular things that before we're like, oh my god, this is crazy. Now it's like, oh, okay, maybe this is how it's supposed to feel.

• 32:16Sabrina Zohar?

  You know, I'm curious, I'm gonna bounce back, because you said something in the beginning, I've always felt like I'm too much. Which part feels too much? I wanna diffuse, because you are not, right? You as a whole person are not too much, because if that were the case, no one ever would be around you. But what's the part of you that feels like it's too much?

• 32:32Speaker 05

  Needy. That's the word that has always popped up. Oh my god, you're so needy. Needy to me means that I need more attention than maybe some other person. In a sense of like, oh, maybe I need for someone to text me more, or call me more times, or make plans with me more often, or spend more time with me. Which, I thought it was normal.

• 32:53Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, I'm gonna challenge that, not that you said anything wrong, but is it that you feel like you're too needy, or is it that you feel like you don't have the right to have needs?

• 33:02Speaker 05

  Hmm, oh wow, that's a good one.

• 33:04Sabrina Zohar?

  Because too needy, there's, I can think parts of you, right? There is definitely, especially if you're like, I need you to call me every 20 minutes. It's like, okay, that's an unrealistic need. And that's not even a need, that's a want, right? That's a desire for safety. But I think if it's constantly feeling like too much, like I had a narcissistic father. If you even so much as cried in front of him, he would hit you. He would walk out, he was incredibly abusive verbally and physically at times. And so I grew up going, you're, there's something wrong with you, because even a fundamental need of, can I have a hug? Was met with dismissal, or ugh, or something being an issue. And so I'll, I'll go back. Are you too needy, or are you just shaming yourself for having a need?

• 33:44Speaker 05

  I think I may be shaming myself for having a need, because now that you said that, my dad was exactly the same.

• 33:49Sabrina Zohar?

  Right?

• 33:50Speaker 05

  Every time I needed a hug, oh my god, now, I can't do that now, like, just go sit over there. And I was like, okay, well, whatever, so, yeah.

• 34:00Sabrina Zohar?

  Because now, how would anybody, because that's the difference, right? When we set a boundary, by saying, no, that doesn't work for me. That's a need, right? I need alone time. But if I feel guilty, and don't think I'm deserving and worthy, then me saying I need alone time is, huh! Because finish the sentence, you have a need. And you express it. What are you scared of happening by having that need?

• 34:20Speaker 05

  At the time, I feel like I was scared of the person leaving.

• 34:23Sabrina Zohar?

  Yeah, because needs equal, I'm too much and they're gonna leave me and I'm not enough. But then the irony is, what we're so afraid of happening ends up happening. Because by playing the cool girl or guy, which doesn't exist, by the way, in case you haven't figured that one out by now, which it took me 33 years to figure out, the cool girl or guy doesn't work out because we all fundamentally have needs. If you are somebody that doesn't speak up in a relationship, that doesn't tell somebody how you feel, that doesn't express a need, then you're self abandoning to either keep them in the relationship or keep yourself in the relationship by convincing yourself that you're happy. And so if we are feeling fundamentally broken or guilty for having a need, that's because somebody along the way taught you that that is not safe and that the boundary isn't safe to have. And now, that's the work that we get to do is teaching ourselves, that was never the

• 35:06Sabrina Zohar?

  accurate saying, it was just that one fucking person taught us that, and now I get to let them know that they're a goddamn liar.

• 35:12Speaker 05

  I love that.

• 35:13Sabrina Zohar?

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• 35:57Sabrina Zohar?

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• 36:27Speaker 00

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• 36:57Sabrina Zohar?

  Because anytime that voice comes in, like that's why I was curious which one it was. You know, and then you said your mom was overprotective. And I would imagine then, because overprotective, what that also, what I hear from that is that she didn't really let you have your own identity. Because if she was constantly trying to protect you and hover over you, then you weren't given the space to be freely yourself.

• 37:17Speaker 05

  Exactly. I feel like she was, she created this fantasy in a sense where I was in, so she could totally protect me from whatever was going on with my dad, or situations, or arguments, or whatever. To the point where I was like, okay, well, it's safe here, right? But I was not able to completely be myself.

• 37:36Sabrina Zohar?

  Because your nervous system, "safe" meant, "I'm not being abandoned." But "safe" didn't actually mean, "I could disarm." Because, I mean, at least now I know, feeling safe is really uncomfortable for me. I don't know what to do in that, when my partner is reciprocal, when the business is going well. Because who is Sabrina if she doesn't have to struggle?

• 37:54Speaker 05

  Oh, my gosh.

• 37:55Sabrina Zohar?

  So I'm curious, who is Judith if she doesn't have to struggle? If she doesn't have to worry that people are going to leave her? Who is she now?

• 38:00Speaker 05

  I honestly still struggle with that part.

• 38:03Sabrina Zohar?

  Well, let's talk, let's talk that part. Who does that part want to be?

• 38:06Speaker 05

  It's so crazy that you mention this, because I always, I feel like I'm always struggling with something. If it's not relationship-wise, it's work. Even if not, it's like, when am I going to leave? And if not, it's just always something. So, I don't know. Can you, I have no idea. I can't even put myself in that situation in a sense because I feel like I'm always struggling with something.

• 38:31Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, what does struggling give you? What is that, what's that, what does that give you? You said it earlier, way earlier, and I'm curious if it'll come back. But what is always struggling?

• 38:40Speaker 05

  Oh man, now you're making me think what I said before. What did I say? I feel like I said so many things.

• 38:45Sabrina Zohar?

  You said one word.

• 38:46Speaker 05

  Oh, did I?

• 38:48Sabrina Zohar?

  I can say it again if you want.

• 38:49Speaker 05

  Yes, please, because now I wanna know.

• 38:51Sabrina Zohar?

  Makes you the victim.

• 38:52Speaker 05

  Oh, gosh.

• 38:53Sabrina Zohar?

  Right, it's learned helplessness. Because if we're always struggling, then we can say, oh, I don't have the strength to pull myself out of this. Oh, I don't know what I'm doing. Because especially growing up, if you always wanted someone to come save you, then now we're always looking for the next person to save because it gives us a reason to keep going. As opposed to, oh, there's nothing wrong with me? There never has, has been. Oh, so I was just taught some bullshit. Because now who do I get to be? Right? Do I get to be the person that believes in themselves? Do I get to be the person that if someone says something mean, that doesn't impact me? Do I get to be the person that genuinely doesn't believe that there's anything wrong with them and that they are fundamentally beautiful as they are? Because if I do that, then what happens? There's your identity.

• 39:36Speaker 05

  Wow, that's crazy. I'd never even thought of that.

• 39:41Sabrina Zohar?

  Your identity has always been, I'm the one that struggles and I'm the one that's a problem. But if we strip that away, because even now, you said you're like, I'm gonna take time for myself and I'm gonna do my own thing. Well, but in that, then you are also inadvertently dropping that narrative. Because by you focusing on just yourself, there's no external that's gonna cause that.

• 40:00Speaker 05

  Exactly, that's probably why I'm focusing just on myself.

• 40:02Sabrina Zohar?

  I was, that's why I was curious if you were focusing on yourself because it was a protective mechanism or because it comes from an authentic place?

• 40:09Speaker 05

  I want to believe it's because it's coming from an authentic place. But of course, I knew that you were gonna like

• 40:17Sabrina Zohar?

  Of course.

• 40:18Speaker 05

  Break me.

• 40:19Sabrina Zohar?

  Let me ask you, if it's coming from an authentic place, then how would you feel like if you met somebody tomorrow? Would you feel comfortable going out with them or do you feel scared about it?

• 40:27Speaker 05

  I'll feel comfortable.

• 40:28Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay.

• 40:29Speaker 05

  I believe and I want to believe I will feel comfortable.

• 40:33Sabrina Zohar?

  Good.

• 40:34Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:34Sabrina Zohar?

  More so just challenging it, right? I think a lot, sometimes we need a little tune up of like, no, no, no, no, this is a choice. And it's like, that's cool, right? You're allowed to be single as long as you want. You don't have to be in a relationship. But I think what's important is getting curious about our why. Not the why is so that we can psychoanalyze ourselves, but so that we can make sure that this is coming from a choice. Because I think for a long time, you didn't have a lot of choices. Growing up, you weren't given choices. And now you're an adult and you can say, mom's not gonna tell me what to do, dad's not gonna tell me what to do. I'm gonna say that this is what I need right now. And I think that's really beautiful. And I want to ask you another question. What parts of yourself do you not think are lovable?

• 41:09Speaker 05

  Your questions.

• 41:10Sabrina Zohar?

  Yeah, well, I can answer for you if you need, but I want to hear your thoughts. I've got my own, don't worry.

• 41:16Speaker 05

  I'm gonna go back to the being too much.

• 41:18Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay. What do you think is unlovable about that?

• 41:21Speaker 05

  Because like, sometimes I talk too much? Or I express myself too much? When it comes to feelings or things that I think.

• 41:32Speaker 05

  I have even felt that way with friends. It's not like my friends have ever made me feel that way, but like, sometimes I'm like, am I talking too much? And maybe they think that I'm too intense? Am I like, expressing my thoughts too much to them? Like, or my feelings in that moment about whatever's going on in my life? So like, it makes me feel like the too much part is what kinda...

• 41:56Sabrina Zohar?

  And no one's ever gonna love that.

• 41:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:58Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay. Do you genuinely believe that you were too much? Or were you taught that you were too much?

• 42:02Speaker 05

  I think it's a little bit of both.

• 42:04Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, fair.

• 42:05Speaker 05

  I definitely was taught that I was too much. Because my dad always made me feel like I was asking for too much or needing too much from him for what he could give.

• 42:16Sabrina Zohar?

  What's the other side of that, though? Right? So if there, is there a way that we could also reframe, right? So sure, right? That's valid. I'll tell you my part. I think that anxiety part, no one's ever gonna love that part. Because if my own dad couldn't love me in all of my different scenarios, but then on the other side, what does that also give me? Is I have like, me talking fast, that's my brain works differently. I have superpowers that other people don't. I can be in a room and have seven different conversations coming at me and be able to teep all of them. Whereas Ryan, one track. If it's not one, he cannot. And he has different superpowers. So that one part that you think is not lovable, is there another way that we could view her? So she talks a lot, but what does that mean? She has a lot to say. She's a lot to offer. Because I get bored when people don't talk. I feel like I have to fill in this space.

• 43:01Speaker 05

  Me too.

• 43:03Sabrina Zohar?

  And so maybe it's also looking at that part. Because the parts of us that we hate, can't look at, don't want to love, those are usually the parts that need us the most. Because what they're saying is, oh, well, if you hate me too, well, then you're like everyone else. But instead, I'd be curious, because maybe we could look at that little girl and like, give her a big fucking hug, because she kept you safe. By filling in the blanks, by allowing you to have a lot to talk about, she kept you safe so that you could keep going. Because no one was talking to you either. No one was telling you that.

• 43:32Speaker 05

  That is so true. That is very true.

• 43:34Sabrina Zohar?

  Right?

• 43:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 43:36Sabrina Zohar?

  So I think it's valid, I think it's real, that you feel like no one's gonna love that part. Hundred percent, I understand that. But I also think that is there a world that we could hold both of those thoughts in confliction? Is that even a word? I don't know. But maybe we can have those two conflicting thoughts that, yes, while some people might think that's too much, I don't believe that.

• 43:56Speaker 05

  I love that you're saying that. That really is like getting in there.

• 44:02Sabrina Zohar?

  Because I don't think you're too much. I've never once thought you'd talk too much. Of me, please, that ship sailed a long time ago. But I think that's why I love this community so much, is because we can all let our freak flags fly, right? If I, I say it every day, if I'm too much, go find less. If I talk too much, find another fucking show. You don't like how much I curse, get bet. If you don't like how I show up authentically, then that's okay, you don't accept me as I am, but that doesn't mean I need to keep you in my life.

• 44:27Speaker 05

  But that's exactly why I love you.

• 44:29Sabrina Zohar?

  Oh, thanks, man.

• 44:30Speaker 05

  Because you are yourself. From the get-go since I met you, you've always been like.

• 44:37Sabrina Zohar?

  But I'll be honest, too, do I still cry at night and think I'm too much? Hundred percent. I'd be lying to you if I said that I just go into my room every night and I'm like, living on a fucking dream. No. I'll have times where some episodes don't do well, and I'm like, that's it, they're leaving me. That's not real, right? But that doesn't mean that those core moments don't come back. It's what we do with them. Which is why I was asking, and I think it's so beautiful that you are building that relationship with your little. Because the last thing she needs is you to get rid of her. That's the last thing she needs. What she needs is for you to hold on to her so tight. Tight so that everyone you date, you throw it on the fucking table. Your dick is out there like it's no, you're swinging it around town. Because when I met Ryan, I was, I was like, fuck it, what do I have to lose? This guy doesn't like me, no worries, there's plenty of people that don't. But then I found someone that really did like me.

• 45:22Sabrina Zohar?

  That kept showing up because if I'm not okay with me, how can other people be okay with me?

• 45:27Speaker 05

  That is so true.

• 45:28Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm curious, like, for you. What is the version of you that you want to step into? What does she look like? Not physically, obviously, but you were good with the physical. No, no, she's, she's more than enough. But what does she look like? Because you had toxic, you had your ex, he cheated on you. And one thing that we also didn't mention, I know the personal story. He didn't just cheat on you, he went with somebody who was transgender. And so at the end of the day, there was nothing you ever could have done to change that. Because he had desires that you physically cannot actually satisfy. The part of you, I'm sure that wondered if there was something wrong with you and what you could have done differently. Probably the same one with your dad. Does that part feel more hurt now or does that part still come out?

• 46:10Sabrina Zohar?

  Because consciously, we can know there was nothing you could have done, but that doesn't mean you feel that.

• 46:14Speaker 05

  I felt, honestly, I felt so broken in so many different ways. I felt like I was not pretty at all. I felt like I was not enough. I felt like, I felt like I was not a woman. Does that make any sense?

• 46:36Sabrina Zohar?

  I understand it. It's a blind side, especially, I mean, listen. When somebody, it's the same with like, if you're heterosexual and you're dating someone, then they go for the same sex. It's like, that is something that you're like, oh, oh, there's literally nothing I could have done to change that. And that's okay, I, I want everyone to have their preferences. I just wish he would have been honest with you to tell you, hey, I'm seeking this. So that you could have been like, got it, totally makes sense. But I think hindsight, is it actually that you're not enough of a woman? Or is it that everything is viewed through, it has to have been my fault?

• 47:06Speaker 05

  I think so. So I was like, oh, if he had to go find that, because maybe I was not enough.

• 47:11Sabrina Zohar?

  Which I understand where it can come from. But now if we put that thought on trial, are there any facts to back that up?

• 47:16Speaker 05

  Actually, like, I, I even remember having a conversation with him where I was like, hey, I respect whatever you like, I respect whatever, whoever likes whatever, I don't, I don't care. But it's what you just said, I wish you would have told me. Because.

• 47:32Speaker 05

  Like now I I don't know what to do with myself in a sense like I was completely like I was like wow.

• 47:41Sabrina Zohar?

  He didn't give you a choice.

• 47:42Speaker 05

  Exactly like I did I couldn't even do anything about it like I was like oh can I talk to him about it? No, because he kept on gaslighting me and telling me no, it's actually not trans, it's actually a girl. So my brain was like, is it? Is it me? Am I not seeing this like how it is like it was so messy.

• 48:05Sabrina Zohar?

  And that's conditioning because that's your childhood. Your dad doing something and your mom going, no, that's not it. No, no, no, everything's fine. So it wouldn't surprise me? No. But now, is there any residual of that or do you feel like?

• 48:17Speaker 05

  No, I feel I feel good because I had so much time to like process everything. Um, I it is still comes up sometimes in my head when I'm like, how was I so silly than not to not see certain things?

• 48:32Sabrina Zohar?

  Hmm, so you're starting to shame yourself.

• 48:34Speaker 05

  A little bit maybe, yeah.

• 48:36Sabrina Zohar?

  Let me ask you, how do you think that's helping?

• 48:38Speaker 05

  It's definitely not.

• 48:40Sabrina Zohar?

  But on paper, right? If we think if we shame back in the day, like I think shame does have a place in the society. I think we need to bring shame back. Not in a place of online, but I think that shaming is a way that we teach, right? Not ourselves, but for other people. You know, if somebody does something stupid, yeah, you deserve to be ashamed of yourself for what you did. And we should be putting that in the in the eye that you did something like you touched a little kid. Yeah, that is shameful. And you should write things like that where you're like, yeah, those do hold a place and a time. But I think if we guilt is I've done something wrong. Shame is I am I am wrong. There's something wrong with me. But I think it's interesting that that voice still comes up because we're so far from that, right? You're so far on the other side of it, but yet it's still there. And I think what you're describing is like that's part of being a human.

• 49:24Sabrina Zohar?

  That even those little moments, because why if you shame yourself, then you can change. But let me ask you, has that ever worked versus compassion of makes total sense that I would feel really confused and that this would have gotten me for a loop. But at the end of the day, I was taught not to trust myself and that's why I did what I did.

• 49:41Speaker 05

  Yeah, you I wish that this is why I love you. I wish my brain thought that way.

• 49:50Sabrina Zohar?

  How could it though? Nobody taught it.

• 49:53Speaker 05

  There we go again.

• 49:54Sabrina Zohar?

  Right?

• 49:54Speaker 05

  It's true.

• 49:55Sabrina Zohar?

  You're not gonna just like pull this out of your ass, right? It's like you have to be taught that to be like, oh, that's what a reframe is. Got it. I remember when I first went to therapy, I'll never forget. I kept saying it's all my fault. And then one day she said, you're right, it's all your fault. She was repeating back to me. And I said, but it couldn't have all been my fault. Cracked it wide open for me. Cause I was like, but how could it? And it just, that's when I was like, oh. And she started smiling and I remember my therapist being like, this is where I want us to go. Because it's not about the fact that you didn't know. It's about the fact of what are the choices you're gonna make? So I'll bring it back to the question my ADHD asked, forgot to finish. Who is the version that you want to become? Who is the Judith that you see yourself in two to three years?

• 50:30Speaker 05

  I definitely wanna be more compassionate to myself. 100%. And I want to also be... I wanna give myself the love that my dad never gave me.

• 50:43Sabrina Zohar?

  How's that look like? What does that look like in practice?

• 50:45Speaker 05

  Just be more patient with myself. And be more loving towards myself whenever I make a mistake and not like shame myself so much or punish myself for things that I don't... You know, I mean, the only way we can learn is by going through some things, right? So I want to have that compassion and that love that my dad never showed me.

• 51:09Sabrina Zohar?

  Allowing yourself to be a human. And so maybe that's now, even if we think about the partner that you want. It's like, I want someone that allows me to be a human. That allows me to fuck up. That allows me to be messy. That allows me to take up space because I never had that opportunity. And I deserve someone that allows me to be authentically myself, fuck ups and all. Because if I can't find somebody that lives that, then you're just gonna be walking on eggshells your entire fucking life, trying to rewrite the wrongs that happened to you 30 years ago, instead of living in the now, because you get to protect your little in ways no one ever did.

• 51:38Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 51:39Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm proud of you.

• 51:40Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 51:41Sabrina Zohar?

  How are you feeling?

• 51:42Speaker 05

  You've helped me so much.

• 51:43Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm always in your fucking corner. And I think that you are a prime example of doing the work doesn't stop. It doesn't end.

• 51:50Speaker 05

  It does not.

• 51:51Sabrina Zohar?

  Both of us, right? I'm on one part of my journey, you're in another. No one's better or worse. It's just a different part. You might've started two years after, so you started walking the track differently. But this is what healing is. Healing isn't that, I think a lot of people have that misconception that like after a session, you're gonna be like, oh, that's it. Oh my God, okay, that's it. I can release it all and I can go. But really what it is, is that it's just an awareness of going, hey, look over here. And you see a shadow you didn't see before. And so I hope that you could give little Judith a big fucking hug because she did a really incredible job keeping you safe. And she did a really beautiful job being there for you, but now she is gonna be fired and given a new job because she gets to go be a kid, which I think is all she ever wanted was to just be able to be herself. And now you get to be the adult to make sure that nobody's gonna come in and do what your parents did to her again.

• 52:36Speaker 05

  Oh, definitely. Thank you.

• 52:38Sabrina Zohar?

  Thanks for being here.

• 52:39Speaker 05

  Thank you so much for having me.

• 52:41Sabrina Zohar?

  This was so fun. Guys, thank you for being here for our first coaching session, which, you know, here we are, more of a fun conversation than anything. But I'm so grateful for you guys. Please let us know if you liked it, if you hate, well, if you hated it, you don't need to tell me, but please let me know if you liked it. And if you guys knew anything, as always, don't forget to rate and review the show. Please leave a comment. Let us know what hit. Let us know what resonated with you. If you've shared anything with Judith, we are fucking here. I love reading the comments and seeing how you guys are feeling. Don't forget, as always, the book is coming out soon, Why Am I Like This?, on sale on October 13th. Please preorder it now. And I will be obnoxiously reminding you guys about that until then. Alright babes, until next time.

• 53:23Speaker 00

  LinkedIn is pretty amazing at helping you grow your small business. We cannot stop your new clients from emailing you at 3 a.m.

• 53:32Speaker 00

  We can help you sell, market, and hire in one place. We cannot help you be in three places at once. And while we can't help you organize your calendar, LinkedIn can help you land more clients so you have a calendar to organize. Grow your small business on LinkedIn. Learn more at LinkedIn.com/smallbusiness.

• 53:53Speaker 06

  Streaming October 30th on Paramount Plus.

• 53:56Speaker 07

  I'm Dexter Morgan. I've been killing killers for half my life. It gets to you. You're having a midlife crisis. I'm not ready for this.

• 54:04Speaker 06

  He's back.

• 54:05Speaker 07

  I'm older. I'm wiser.

• 54:09Speaker 06

  And sharper than ever.

• 54:10Speaker 07

  Things are gonna get messy, but if I can't believe in myself, I can't believe in anything.

• 54:18Speaker 06

  Dexter Resurrection. New season October 30th on the Paramount Plus Premium Plan.