Ep 606 - Leadership

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want @ https://www.shawngardini.com/live Hello. YES. The Big Kahuna is back. Hip hip hooray!!! A Friday treat for us all. Yay! Homecoming cast ... literally lol. Meezy has been cumming in Shang's home. So happy to be reunited :)))))))))) Please enjoy. God Bless everyone. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! This video is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/MSSP Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Wow, wow, Wes.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  What happened to the squad?

• 0:09Matt McCusker?

  Bro, I've been excited all morning, man.

• 0:11Speaker 00

  The squad is.

• 0:12Matt McCusker?

  Fuck.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  I leave town, you guys.

• 0:15Matt McCusker?

  Disintegrated.

• 0:15Speaker 00

  Everyone's at each other's neck.

• 0:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man. It's a den of thieves.

• 0:19Speaker 00

  I, I mean, I don't want to point fingers, but.

• 0:21Matt McCusker?

  I know. And look, I, I'm telling you.

• 0:23Speaker 00

  Better leadership, Al. Have you been, have you taken care of them?

• 0:26Matt McCusker?

  I was, I was taking good care.

• 0:27Speaker 00

  Have you seen them?

• 0:28Matt McCusker?

  You know what happened?

• 0:28Speaker 00

  Did you go?

• 0:29Matt McCusker?

  I see them every week. I've been working them.

• 0:31Speaker 00

  Pub every week.

• 0:32Matt McCusker?

  I've been working them. I have been working them.

• 0:33Speaker 00

  Pub and they get, they get nasty.

• 0:36Matt McCusker?

  And this is my leadership. I apologize.

• 0:37Speaker 00

  I knew your leadership had failed us a little because the, when I got home and La Mer let me in, he was like, huh.

• 0:43Matt McCusker?

  Dude, this is an internal deal.

• 0:44Speaker 00

  Fuck.

• 0:45Matt McCusker?

  This is an internal deal.

• 0:46Speaker 00

  No, hey, thanks for letting me live here. I walk in, I was like, have you been smoking in my house? And he was like, no. Yeah, you have.

• 0:54Matt McCusker?

  La Mer King set up a high profile show. It's falling apart right now.

• 0:58Speaker 00

  La Mer set up a, yeah, a big show and then the rest of Optimum Noxious has stabbed him in the back.

• 1:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Yeah, it's optimum traitorous.

• 1:06Speaker 00

  You would never do that. So now you're turning on Nate. Did do that.

• 1:11Matt McCusker?

  Crazy.

• 1:15Speaker 00

  You're considering bailing on La Mer?

• 1:20Speaker 00

  La Mer?

• 1:22Speaker 00

  What the fuck, man?

• 1:23Matt McCusker?

  La Mer, do all three spots and just beast up.

• 1:29Matt McCusker?

  This is generally, dude.

• 1:32Speaker 00

  Get a cool $48.

• 1:36Matt McCusker?

  The vibe plummeted.

• 1:37Speaker 00

  Damn, La Mer, you got to fuck them up.

• 1:39Matt McCusker?

  Hold on. Timeout, timeout. Let's, let's not pin this on me. The leadership was good. The leadership was good.

• 1:46Speaker 00

  What have you left?

• 1:47Matt McCusker?

  They set up an auxiliary deal and they just had some crackhead deal going on. It all fell apart. Now everyone's mad.

• 1:55Speaker 00

  What are you guys doing?

• 1:58Matt McCusker?

  You guys are sweating fucking pennies, man. We're trying to fucking.

• 2:01Speaker 02

  I just, I, I felt a bad deal happening, so I, I chose to this morning to like decide I'm back.

• 2:06Speaker 00

  This morning you woke up and said, I'm not doing it.

• 2:07Speaker 02

  Well, I, I asked.

• 2:09Matt McCusker?

  Oh, get the mic, get the mic. Oh, get the mic. So just, just to provide context, there was a, there was a comedy festival. La Mer got reached out. La Mer signed these two up. These guys, these two fucking spoiled brats didn't like the bag.

• 2:22Speaker 00

  They said that's not enough of a bag.

• 2:23Matt McCusker?

  And now they're fucking up your reputation, La Mer. I'm on your side, bro.

• 2:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, that is a little fucked up. Why'd you agree to say to do it when he told you?

• 2:30Speaker 02

  It's not that it wasn't enough of a bag.

• 2:35Matt McCusker?

  La Mer misread the email.

• 2:37Speaker 00

  Dude, La Mer, La Mer runs like Ponzi schemes for stage time. It's fucking wild.

• 2:44Matt McCusker?

  So La Mer, bring us through, bring us through the initial thing. We gotta solve this, bro. We can't, I can't pot on these conditions.

• 2:49Speaker 03

  I was trying to get our show at the Riot. I was trying to get, I'll have them knock us at Riot in Houston, so we can do it there.

• 2:54Speaker 00

  And then Sean said.

• 2:54Speaker 03

  But then the guy was like, listen, you guys can headline our festival and we can do your show at the festival. I was like, that's cool.

• 2:59Matt McCusker?

  Sean said he wanted $10,000.

• 3:04Speaker 03

  And then I sent them the email and they're like, all right. And then I told them, I'm like, they're in. And then, yeah.

• 3:10Speaker 00

  And then the day before the, the big show, your, one of your closest friends bails on it.

• 3:15Speaker 02

  I, well, not the day before. And it sounds worse when you wear it.

• 3:18Speaker 00

  I thought it was tomorrow.

• 3:19Speaker 02

  It is tomorrow, but I, I was starting to talk to them about it.

• 3:22Speaker 00

  It's today right now.

• 3:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're right.

• 3:24Speaker 00

  And the show's tomorrow.

• 3:25Speaker 02

  Fair enough, fair enough.

• 3:26Speaker 00

  I just wasn't sure if I was saying something.

• 3:29Speaker 02

  But I, I started trying to like just figure out more, cause they, they haven't talked to me once and I'm supposed to headline the show. I, I don't, I, I don't wanna like shit on nothing, but they're just running.

• 3:40Speaker 00

  Oh, now you are.

• 3:43Speaker 02

  I asked them, but just.

• 3:43Matt McCusker?

  It's not for you.

• 3:44Speaker 02

  If they would've just responded when I asked.

• 3:46Speaker 00

  La Mer did tell me you were the king.

• 3:48Speaker 02

  Potential was, and my guarantee was, if they would've just, if they would've said 50 bucks, if they'd have wrote back, it would've been different. They didn't even respond. That's, I don't know.

• 3:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, so you're saying it's like leaving a comedy festival, just no, no show. Just not telling anyone leaving a comedy festival, something like that?

• 4:05Speaker 02

  What'd you say?

• 4:06Speaker 00

  You're trying to be thrown back to this.

• 4:09Speaker 02

  No, that was.

• 4:09Speaker 00

  The etiquette around here.

• 4:10Matt McCusker?

  I, I just, I just wanted to have a nice homecoming episode and you guys are squabbling.

• 4:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:16Matt McCusker?

  You would think the three of you are standing outside of 7-Eleven right now scratching your ass. You're squabbling, dude.

• 4:22Speaker 00

  I was just so happy to have us all under one roof together.

• 4:26Matt McCusker?

  I'm happy too.

• 4:27Speaker 00

  I was just so happy to see you guys and then to have you guys come in here just like women.

• 4:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 4:33Speaker 00

  Bickering at each other.

• 4:34Matt McCusker?

  And I get fucking blamed.

• 4:39Matt McCusker?

  God dang. You know what, though? That felt a lot faster than last year. Last year, it felt like that your absence went on forever. This year, it did zip by.

• 4:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:48Matt McCusker?

  So, that was nice.

• 4:49Speaker 00

  Yeah. I did feel, I felt like I was definitely gone for a while, but you know, nothing changed.

• 4:55Matt McCusker?

  Nah, it was like a time vortex around here. It just like fucking flew by. I think it's because I don't sleep ever, so. Kind of just bumble through my days, fucking in a haze all the time.

• 5:05Speaker 00

  But I am really sad to see La Mer sad. That's, it hurts me to see him sad. This episode is brought to you by Quince.

• 5:13Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 5:14Speaker 00

  What do you know about Quince?

• 5:15Matt McCusker?

  I love Quince. I'll be honest, they sent me the stuff and I, their boxers, they use like cotton, like regular materials, not a lot of polyesters. Natural fibers, I'm a big fan.

• 5:26Speaker 00

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• 5:51Matt McCusker?

  It's pretty crazy.

• 5:52Speaker 00

  That's a bargain.

• 5:53Matt McCusker?

  Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns, now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks you where you heard about them, let them know it was Matt and Shane's secret podcast. It's the best way to support the show.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  We have, we have a war to attend to. I got stung by a wasp last night.

• 6:22Matt McCusker?

  Where's the nest?

• 6:23Speaker 00

  It's in an outlet out there.

• 6:25Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 6:25Speaker 00

  I opened the outlet last night and stuck my hand into unplug something. I got fucking scared the fuck out of me.

• 6:31Matt McCusker?

  A little risky too spraying the aerosol too.

• 6:33Speaker 00

  I know, yeah. I don't know what to do now. We have a battle. It's a very small nest. I think I can squash it with my hand. If I have a nice glove.

• 6:41Matt McCusker?

  Squash the nest?

• 6:42Speaker 00

  I might just fucking.

• 6:43Matt McCusker?

  That's not a bad idea. Get a falconer's glove, hyper punch?

• 6:46Speaker 00

  Yes. And I, my bedroom's on the other side of it. I went to bed last night, hand elevated because it was swollen, just, just looking at the wall going, I'm gonna kill the whole nest.

• 6:55Matt McCusker?

  It's wasps one, you haven't even struck back yet.

• 6:57Speaker 00

  I haven't struck back yet.

• 6:58Matt McCusker?

  Dang.

• 6:59Speaker 00

  But they're gonna pay.

• 7:00Matt McCusker?

  Sacrifice the outlet. Get that, um, get like, uh, like that construction foam you spray and it gets like real big, real quick. You can just suffocate those guys to death. And then just have an electrician come out and swap the outlet. Sacrifice it. They, they set up shop in that outlet being like, he's not gonna enter.

• 7:15Speaker 00

  They don't know that that outlet was promised to me.

• 7:17Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 7:19Matt McCusker?

  That's an outdoor, you know, those things, you only get so many outdoor outlets too.

• 7:22Speaker 00

  That case of beer's been out there so long, there's a bird's nest inside of it.

• 7:27Matt McCusker?

  Nature's, nature's conspired against you having your beers and tunes.

• 7:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, he must've done nothing.

• 7:32Matt McCusker?

  What the hell, man?

• 7:33Speaker 00

  What have you done in this house? I can't, there's Christmas decorations still up?

• 7:36Matt McCusker?

  That's, that's unforgivable.

• 7:38Speaker 00

  The only thing he did was set back, he just took over his gooner cave again. One of these got multiple monitors and then it stinks like somebody's been smoking inside of it.

• 7:46Matt McCusker?

  You got dual screen?

• 7:47Speaker 00

  And he goes, no, I haven't jacked all, he lied again about jacking off.

• 7:50Speaker 03

  I, I would, I would not lie about jacking off.

• 7:51Matt McCusker?

  You can't jack off in that, man.

• 7:53Speaker 00

  I know he has.

• 7:53Speaker 03

  No, that's the only place to jack off.

• 7:55Matt McCusker?

  Wait, the gooner cave?

• 7:57Speaker 03

  Never jack off in this.

• 7:57Matt McCusker?

  Pool, that's what the pool's for, dude.

• 8:01Matt McCusker?

  Like a fountain in the backyard, it's a cherub.

• 8:03Speaker 00

  The gooner cave is just disintegrated. I walked into his room and it is La Mer.

• 8:08Speaker 03

  It's not that bad.

• 8:09Matt McCusker?

  Sigs? Has that been Sigs in the pool cave? Or pool house?

• 8:12Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 8:12Matt McCusker?

  Okay, no Sigs is good.

• 8:14Speaker 00

  You promise?

• 8:14Speaker 03

  No Sigs in the house. Yeah. Sigs is an outdoor activity.

• 8:17Speaker 00

  Not even after a couple of drinks?

• 8:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, not even after any drinks.

• 8:21Speaker 00

  Excellent, man.

• 8:22Matt McCusker?

  That's respectable.

• 8:23Speaker 00

  I appreciate that.

• 8:24Matt McCusker?

  No, Sigs is, inside Sigs is the ultimate disrespect.

• 8:28Speaker 03

  Yeah. It's diabolical.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  It smells like indoor blunts though.

• 8:33Speaker 00

  But that could've just been.

• 8:34Speaker 03

  There might've been like two. There might've been a couple.

• 8:37Matt McCusker?

  Two?

• 8:41Matt McCusker?

  Two is crazy.

• 8:43Speaker 00

  Is it some indoor blondes? And you're lying to me about jacking off? The ultimate setup dude.

• 8:47Speaker 03

  I'm not lying to you about jacking off.

• 8:48Speaker 00

  And you're using my fucking chair that I like.

• 8:50Speaker 03

  I'm not.

• 8:51Speaker 00

  Jacking off in my chair.

• 8:52Matt McCusker?

  Wait, you claim zero.

• 8:53Speaker 03

  I'm not jacking off in your chair.

• 8:54Matt McCusker?

  Timeout, timeout. You claim zero jacks in the pool shack?

• 8:57Speaker 00

  No, the pool shack's filled to the brim.

• 8:59Matt McCusker?

  Here.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  He's talking about.

• 9:00Matt McCusker?

  Bro, he's got a big screen jack. You don't think there's been a big screen jack? Come on, man.

• 9:03Speaker 03

  There's never been a big screen jack.

• 9:04Matt McCusker?

  Come on, bro. Soundbar?

• 9:06Speaker 00

  The Grand Slam?

• 9:09Matt McCusker?

  Just be honest, dude.

• 9:10Speaker 03

  No jacks on the inside.

• 9:11Matt McCusker?

  I've had like five big screen jacks here since he's been gone. I come over.

• 9:18Matt McCusker?

  I've been renting that couch out for the hour.

• 9:20Speaker 00

  Oh, this was the craziest thing. I come home, my door, my bedroom door is locked from the inside. And I go, what? I was like, you didn't have any parties? Why is this door locked? And he's like, no, I never had anyone here. I locked that so that I wouldn't go in there. He locked the door to keep himself out of my room. How strong was the desire to get in there and just stare at my bed?

• 9:44Speaker 00

  What the fuck are you doing in there?

• 9:45Speaker 03

  I just didn't want like, I just thought that would be the best way to like seal it and never like think about it again.

• 9:52Speaker 00

  What do you think about it? What do you think about it?

• 9:53Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 9:55Speaker 00

  You jacking off in my room?

• 9:56Speaker 03

  No.

• 9:57Speaker 00

  What are you up to?

• 9:59Matt McCusker?

  Hold on, I do want to, I mean, very thoughtful, but like, what was the, uh?

• 10:03Speaker 00

  And he like nerd rushed to unlock it? When I came out, he like nerd rushed to like a device he has over there to pop the lock. It was a chino. He knew exactly the chopstick to find.

• 10:12Matt McCusker?

  Just get, what, what was, you didn't, you didn't think you get like, you thought maybe you get drunk and like?

• 10:17Speaker 03

  No, I thought.

• 10:18Matt McCusker?

  Boss up.

• 10:19Speaker 00

  Boss up in the bed. Yeah, look at me, I'm doing all that.

• 10:24Speaker 03

  No.

• 10:27Matt McCusker?

  I gotta fly out, be out there.

• 10:30Speaker 00

  No, Netflix?

• 10:31Speaker 03

  No.

• 10:36Speaker 00

  What were you up to?

• 10:37Matt McCusker?

  Let me talk to my people.

• 10:40Speaker 00

  I was just in the office.

• 10:41Matt McCusker?

  Hold on, Ryan Fest, what are we talking about? I got two good up and comers.

• 10:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, you got some up and comers.

• 10:50Matt McCusker?

  I'll send my openers.

• 10:51Speaker 00

  Oh, man.

• 10:56Speaker 00

  I mean, that is thoughtful not to. No, to seal the door from yourself.

• 11:02Speaker 00

  Also, you can easily unlock it. And then he knows how to unlock it.

• 11:06Speaker 03

  I learned the unlock trick from another door.

• 11:09Speaker 00

  Did you give the key to the police? Don't let me in, no matter what I say. No matter what I say later, don't let me in that room. What, what, you got to explain to me your thought process, dude.

• 11:20Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 11:21Speaker 00

  You actually don't know your thought?

• 11:22Speaker 03

  No, I just did that as soon as I got here. I was like, nobody needs to go in here and I locked the door.

• 11:27Speaker 00

  But that's when I start saying, nobody, as far as you told me you didn't have people here.

• 11:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, I didn't really. I had Navy show on here a couple of times.

• 11:35Speaker 00

  Now, look at these two looking away. They can't even look, they can't even look me in the eyes.

• 11:46Speaker 00

  He's got friends coming over, hitting me up, saying, can I, La Mer said it was cool if I stayed for a week.

• 11:51Speaker 03

  That's not off.

• 11:52Speaker 00

  Fuck. Yeah, fucking Dorian coming for a week. Said the deeds, man. The deeds, deeds meister coming in. It'll be me, deeds, La Mer, the fucking weirdest crew.

• 12:05Speaker 00

  These two watching anime every night.

• 12:08Speaker 00

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• 12:52Speaker 00

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• 12:55Matt McCusker?

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• 13:52Speaker 00

  That's great stuff.

• 13:53Matt McCusker?

  Bro, that is so fucking funny.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, the squad is... What happened to you guys?

• 13:59Matt McCusker?

  It was all right. Everything was chilling and you know.

• 14:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think we were doing great. We just won. One riff just happened to be today.

• 14:05Speaker 00

  Have I missed any riffs? Cause they're...

• 14:07Speaker 02

  This was the biggest riff. This moment is the biggest riff. I think we, I was saying to Sean, actually the night we saw you, it was like the last time you came back, we were going through hell and you coming back was like, nice.

• 14:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:19Speaker 02

  And then this time it was like, it's still nice, but it was like, oh shit.

• 14:22Speaker 00

  We don't even need him anymore.

• 14:23Speaker 02

  Huh? What'd you say?

• 14:24Speaker 00

  Now you're like, we don't even fucking need him anymore.

• 14:26Speaker 02

  No, no, that's not what I'm saying. It just, it just wasn't, it was just a different, it was just, I don't know. I just remembered the hell.

• 14:34Speaker 00

  LaMaire, LaMaire told me you were the king of Austin.

• 14:36Speaker 02

  I don't know why he would say that though.

• 14:37Speaker 00

  He told it in, he told me in complete sincerity, cause we were driving together and I asked him, I was like, what's going on in Austin now? And he was like, Nate's the fucking king.

• 14:45Speaker 02

  I would be...

• 14:45Speaker 00

  We pulled up to a light yesterday and there was a sticker of a guy's face and he was like, is that Nate? He thought people were putting up murals of you.

• 14:56Matt McCusker?

  That's.

• 14:56Speaker 00

  And I was like, no, you fuck, why the fuck would somebody draw Nate?

• 15:00Matt McCusker?

  You can't be that, you gotta be making that up.

• 15:02Speaker 00

  I promise.

• 15:03Matt McCusker?

  You're still doing that bit from the other day.

• 15:04Speaker 00

  I'm not doing a bit, let me ask, please. No, it's true, that's on a wall.

• 15:09Matt McCusker?

  You said I was the king of all, there's a zero percent chance that anyone has said that.

• 15:14Speaker 00

  Huh? He said you were the king now, and that you're running it here.

• 15:18Matt McCusker?

  Well, that's just, just trying to make bad news for me, you don't mean that.

• 15:22Speaker 00

  I think he was being totally serious, unless he's as devious as.

• 15:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, well, Lo Mayor, what was, can you back, what's, on what basis?

• 15:28Speaker 00

  Ah dude, he's just moving right.

• 15:29Matt McCusker?

  He's king, he's moving, he's got motion.

• 15:31Speaker 00

  He's making moves, he's got some motion. Yes, dude, the bird's back.

• 15:33Matt McCusker?

  The bird's back in the Bud Light?

• 15:34Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 15:36Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 15:38Speaker 00

  Well, I'm glad they're back because Tommy reached his hand in there last night and flew out and scared the fuck out of him.

• 15:44Matt McCusker?

  He reached, he was like, here's a fucking bat in there.

• 15:48Matt McCusker?

  It's right there.

• 15:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's a good bird.

• 15:50Matt McCusker?

  That's awesome. Dude, I got locked out of the, uh, two days ago, I was running the bathtub, it was me and Chloe. And I'm like, alright, bathtub's running, I'm like going to get other shit, and all of a sudden, it had been running for a minute, and like, Chloe comes up to me, she's like, um, the door's locked. And I was like, what door? She's like, to the bathroom, and I was like, but the bathtub running? She was like, yeah. And I was like, how'd you, did you lock the door? She's like, no. I'm like, you lying? She goes, yes, I'm very sorry. Are you mad at me?

• 16:17Speaker 00

  That's how I live with Lo Mayor.

• 16:18Matt McCusker?

  Dude.

• 16:19Speaker 00

  I go, did you smoke a bun here? No. Are you lying? Yes, I'm lying, I might have had two buns, I'm really sorry.

• 16:24Matt McCusker?

  Are you mad at me?

• 16:27Matt McCusker?

  I was, I got there, I, I was gonna knock the door, like, through, I called Brittany, I'm like, whoa, where's the keys for this? She's like, remember, it's this little screwdriver, you're the one who figured it out. And I was like, oh, where is that? And I like ran downstairs, got the little, it's like a little eyeglass screwdriver, and it popped it open. And, uh, I got in, it was like, dude, literally that far from overflowing, just ruining the floor. Yeah, I was scared. I was, I was like shitting myself.

• 16:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, I would have been done. I would have started slamming my body against the door.

• 16:54Matt McCusker?

  I was this close. If I didn't call for the key, because I was like pushing down as hard as I could and it was starting to like spin.

• 17:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:00Matt McCusker?

  And the thing, I was like, I'm gonna have to shoulder the door down. She was like, what the fuck? No.

• 17:03Speaker 00

  Could have been sick.

• 17:04Matt McCusker?

  That would have been tight. I could have easily kicked that thing in. So yeah, it would have been cool. But yeah, that was, I was shitting myself. But yeah, that's what happens, man. Doors get locked. There's no explanation. I asked her, I'm like, why did you do that? And she was just like, she had a new like Barbie tool set. She was like, I used my tools to lock it. I'm like, no, you did. You just did your finger from the inside.

• 17:23Matt McCusker?

  So maybe he uses tools. Maybe LaMarr uses tools and locked the door.

• 17:29Matt McCusker?

  Ah, the dude, the squad's already back. I can feel it. The rift, the rift has been mended. I can feel it.

• 17:34Speaker 00

  Nate's going to the festival. It's settled.

• 17:37Speaker 00

  Come on, Nate.

• 17:38Matt McCusker?

  You gotta hit the fest.

• 17:39Speaker 00

  Nate, come on, man.

• 17:42Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 17:45Matt McCusker?

  That's great. Sean's gonna go.

• 17:47Speaker 00

  Sean's gonna go.

• 17:47Matt McCusker?

  I think Sean's gonna back out.

• 17:48Speaker 00

  Sean cares about his craft. Yeah.

• 17:52Speaker 00

  I'm sorry.

• 17:55Speaker 00

  No, I would never do that to LaMarr. LaMarr, who's, who's, who's your better friend out of Sean and Nate now?

• 18:03Speaker 03

  I don't know. Sam Tallon's gonna do the podcast on Saturday, so that'll be pretty cool.

• 18:07Speaker 00

  That's a good answer. Incredible answer.

• 18:09Matt McCusker?

  He's become a politician since you've been gone.

• 18:12Speaker 00

  It's interesting you ask that. I'm just saying, it's interesting. I haven't heard anyone talk about AIPAC. That's interesting. I don't even think about AIPAC.

• 18:21Matt McCusker?

  Well, gosh darn it, man.

• 18:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:23Matt McCusker?

  I'll tell you what. I don't know, dude, I have a, I've been getting a lot of pressure to get a different car. People get up my ass because I have a CRV.

• 18:31Speaker 00

  CRVs are sick.

• 18:32Matt McCusker?

  That's what I said. I'm like, this is a nice car. And they're like, dude, that's ridiculous. Yeah, like, what are you gonna get next? I'm like, I, I don't think.

• 18:37Speaker 00

  I can see a V.

• 18:37Matt McCusker?

  I have a fifty, it's fifty thousand miles. I'm gonna rock the thing for a while. The only thing now I'm thinking is I'm getting peer pressure to get something. I might trick it out completely.

• 18:45Speaker 00

  That'd be awesome.

• 18:45Matt McCusker?

  Like kinda low key, but just like a matte black paint job or a wrap. I think a wrap's cheaper.

• 18:49Speaker 00

  Dude, matte black on a CRV would be fucking awesome. Nobody's done that.

• 18:53Matt McCusker?

  I don't think anyone has. Matte black, like a mil, almost military vehicle. I would get matte black, insides completely torn out and everything sprayed with like a, an epoxy, basically. I want a car that's like completely waterproof surfaces that I can just take a leaf blower to and just blow everything out and just pick it up. So that might be, that might be the new whip.

• 19:12Speaker 00

  I would support that.

• 19:13Matt McCusker?

  Thank you.

• 19:13Speaker 00

  Tinted windows?

• 19:14Matt McCusker?

  For sure. It, I want it to look like literally a mirror. I'm gonna try to make it look like a very shitty Cybertruck. Slam it down a little bit. Just have, have them do whatever they can do to the engine to like speed it up.

• 19:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, get one of those bumper stickers that's like, I bought this before Elon Musk.

• 19:29Speaker 00

  This is a CRV. Who the fuck's this guy talking about?

• 19:32Matt McCusker?

  That's actually a really good idea. Throw that all day, I bought this before.

• 19:35Speaker 00

  Before Elon Musk was a fat ass.

• 19:37Matt McCusker?

  Just filling it up at a gas station. Dude, those, those I bought this before Elon bumper stickers are, I think, the pinnacle of like Facebook or whatever, like Instagram politics, where it's just completely meaningless. Where you're like, why, why, why are you doing this? Just get, if, if you, if you really hate the guy that much, sell the car. Put your fucking money where your mouth is. If you think he's truly like a despot ruining the country evil billionaire, it's like trade in the motherfucking, get something else.

• 20:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:05Matt McCusker?

  Get a Rivian, bro.

• 20:05Speaker 00

  A CRV, dude, it's time.

• 20:07Matt McCusker?

  Get a fucking CRV. Support Japan.

• 20:09Speaker 00

  It is time to support Japan.

• 20:11Matt McCusker?

  Japan's huge right now.

• 20:12Speaker 00

  We're gonna need them.

• 20:13Matt McCusker?

  Uh huh.

• 20:15Matt McCusker?

  Has anyone, has anyone even helped us?

• 20:17Speaker 00

  No.

• 20:17Matt McCusker?

  If I'd ever, no one's helped us.

• 20:18Speaker 00

  Actually, our closest ally is helping the hell out of us.

• 20:21Matt McCusker?

  Obviously.

• 20:23Speaker 00

  Obviously, our closest ally.

• 20:24Matt McCusker?

  Our only friend. America's only friend.

• 20:28Speaker 00

  La Mer.

• 20:29Matt McCusker?

  Nobody else likes us, dude.

• 20:30Speaker 00

  La Mer's politics right now must, you must be feeling good, dude. The view is confident right now. The view is going, hmm, we told you.

• 20:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:40Speaker 00

  You should have listened to us.

• 20:44Speaker 00

  How do you feel right now?

• 20:45Speaker 03

  I just feel bad he didn't do anything he was gonna say.

• 20:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:48Speaker 03

  He said.

• 20:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 20:49Speaker 03

  That's what I feel bad about. So many upset people.

• 20:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, people are mad.

• 20:53Speaker 03

  We didn't have to hurt people.

• 20:54Matt McCusker?

  People are mad. I want, I want him to take that straight of Hermuse.

• 20:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, I need that.

• 20:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what the hell, man?

• 20:59Speaker 00

  I, I said I was gonna open it, uh, on Monday.

• 21:02Matt McCusker?

  You said you were gonna open it?

• 21:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, I called it. I said, don't worry, guys, I'm gonna open it.

• 21:04Matt McCusker?

  You should open it.

• 21:05Speaker 00

  I can't. It's, they're too bad, Iran's too powerful.

• 21:08Matt McCusker?

  It's hard.

• 21:08Speaker 00

  Turns out Iran's nasty.

• 21:10Matt McCusker?

  I thought it was gonna be like Venezuela, Venezuela, Venezuela Park 2. It's like, bro, I thought we were big and bad, dude. Get that straight. Open it up.

• 21:17Speaker 00

  Open the straight. You'd think they would have responded nicely after we blew up their leader with a missile.

• 21:23Speaker 00

  You'd think they would have been like, alright, never mind, we don't wanna fuck with you guys. You blew up an 86-year-old with a tomahawk missile. It's so funny, we killed a fucking 90-year-old man with a missile, dude.

• 21:34Matt McCusker?

  I've been laughing how their leaders all look like evil wizards.

• 21:37Speaker 00

  They are all evil wizards.

• 21:38Matt McCusker?

  There's also like giant long beards, like a black hat. Just got, it just got exploded in this fucking house. I was reading about their like enriched uranium or whatever. You know, it's buried under like a deep mountain. It's like an evil, like Dr. Evil there.

• 21:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:53Matt McCusker?

  And apparently they can, I guess from like the radioactive signature or whatever, they can like monitor it, like almost like a thermal image where they're like, there it is. I don't know how true that is.

• 22:02Speaker 00

  I don't believe anything.

• 22:03Matt McCusker?

  Cause it's what I'm saying. It's like underneath a mountain.

• 22:06Speaker 00

  I think the people telling us that are the ones going, no, they're really enriching that uranium. That's why we can see it.

• 22:10Matt McCusker?

  Well, that's, that's the thing too. It's like.

• 22:12Speaker 00

  You guys are just trying to fucking blow them up.

• 22:13Matt McCusker?

  Well, they also, we did this, we did the WMDs. We're like, dude, trust us, guys.

• 22:16Speaker 00

  But this time we're like, we got sensors that are actually picking up the W M. They've been telling us they're gonna do this.

• 22:22Matt McCusker?

  Well, and apparently, so if they don't, if, if Iran doesn't just completely capitulate and be like, all right, here's all of our like nukes we've been building forever. We'd have to go to like a subterranean lair. Well, you'd have to go extract their stuff.

• 22:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:36Matt McCusker?

  You have to go to a subterranean lair under, in an active war zone and just somehow transport giant radioactive barrels.

• 22:43Speaker 00

  Be sick.

• 22:44Matt McCusker?

  It's gonna be the ultimate.

• 22:44Speaker 00

  It's like the last level of a video game. It's like a really hard level.

• 22:49Matt McCusker?

  They're gonna need the A B A B select start up, down, left, right for that. That's gonna be a tough one.

• 22:52Speaker 00

  We're gonna need that.

• 22:54Matt McCusker?

  So many thought, but I want straight or her muse open now.

• 22:56Speaker 00

  It needs to be open. I'm sick of it.

• 22:57Matt McCusker?

  Her muse, listen up, her muse.

• 22:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, open up, dude.

• 23:01Matt McCusker?

  You gotta open up on my goddamn.

• 23:01Speaker 00

  They're throwing fucking drones at us.

• 23:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's fucking annoying.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  Pussy shit, dude.

• 23:06Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 23:06Speaker 00

  They should do what we do. Drones.

• 23:11Speaker 00

  More expensive, cooler drones.

• 23:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I just wish they'd listen to us and let us be the boss.

• 23:17Speaker 00

  They should listen to us.

• 23:19Matt McCusker?

  I know. What the fuck's the problem?

• 23:20Speaker 00

  Don't they fucking know?

• 23:22Matt McCusker?

  Apparently not, man.

• 23:23Speaker 00

  Somebody should have told them.

• 23:24Matt McCusker?

  Apparently not. And then I've been watching the beef on Cuba. I always forget, we're still fucking blockading them as well.

• 23:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, they shouldn't have, uh, done whatever they fucking did.

• 23:33Matt McCusker?

  Babe.

• 23:35Speaker 00

  You know, I'm sick of them.

• 23:37Matt McCusker?

  Hey, man.

• 23:38Speaker 00

  Cuba had better stop doing whatever they did to make us mad.

• 23:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. We'll save them for them from fucking communism.

• 23:45Speaker 00

  We'll come back to them.

• 23:47Matt McCusker?

  Starve them out.

• 23:47Speaker 00

  Did you hear your boy Trump on Cuba?

• 23:49Matt McCusker?

  No, what'd he say?

• 23:50Speaker 00

  He was like, I could take Cuba. I could do whatever I want to Cuba. And the reporter was like, what do you mean? He's like, I mean, I'll fucking take it if I want, or maybe I'll turn it into a nice little vacation spot. Anyway. God damn, brother.

• 24:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude, he's wilding out. I'm telling you, he's. We gotta, we gotta learn, dude, and just get like a 50 year old. We need a 50 year old bro as president. That's, that's prime president age. White walls, just new fucking fresh.

• 24:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:15Matt McCusker?

  Gray sides.

• 24:15Speaker 00

  Tommy Pope.

• 24:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, we need Tommy Pope to be president. What?

• 24:21Matt McCusker?

  His press conference would be so nice.

• 24:23Speaker 00

  What?

• 24:29Matt McCusker?

  Guy's got fucking hot dog water in his brains. We're gonna blow him up.

• 24:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, Cuba, I'm sick of Cuba, dude.

• 24:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man, I better fucking get with the program.

• 24:38Speaker 00

  I'm tired of Cuba. I need Greenland still.

• 24:41Matt McCusker?

  Don't we have Greenland?

• 24:42Speaker 00

  It's time for Denmark to give us Greenland.

• 24:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, didn't know Denmark had Greenland. That's.

• 24:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:46Matt McCusker?

  Piece of news I didn't know.

• 24:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't think most people know that.

• 24:49Matt McCusker?

  Mm-mm.

• 24:50Speaker 00

  Greenland acts like it's independent. Well, they ain't.

• 24:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what the hell is that all about?

• 24:55Speaker 00

  They better fucking shape up.

• 24:57Matt McCusker?

  Dude, they better. All these people better take up before we turn. We better turn the world into our vacation spots, which pretty much.

• 25:02Speaker 00

  Vacation spots.

• 25:03Matt McCusker?

  Kind of already is the case.

• 25:06Speaker 00

  Now we just can't even go to them because we'll get beheaded.

• 25:08Matt McCusker?

  I know. I know. It's a shame.

• 25:10Speaker 00

  Go to any of the vacation spots.

• 25:11Matt McCusker?

  I'll tell you what, though. The ride at Comedy Fest bag next year is gonna be fat. Now it's Warzone plus negative comments.

• 25:21Speaker 00

  They're gonna get me. They're gonna get me next week.

• 25:24Speaker 00

  And I'm getting my head cut off right away.

• 25:29Matt McCusker?

  The bag, the bag for that's gonna be so nice.

• 25:32Speaker 00

  I'm getting punched right when I get there. Weird what you said about me.

• 25:40Matt McCusker?

  Their next flyer is gonna be your head in like a wooden box.

• 25:43Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 25:44Matt McCusker?

  Featuring the evil traitor Shane Gillis. The very sorry traitor Shane Gillis.

• 25:51Speaker 00

  The coward.

• 25:56Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, no, that's a, I'm excited to see, that'll be cool.

• 26:00Speaker 00

  The bag?

• 26:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, the bag on that's gonna be.

• 26:01Speaker 00

  The Saudi bag would be nutty.

• 26:03Matt McCusker?

  Dude, for next year in the war zone?

• 26:05Speaker 00

  Unless Iran keeps winning.

• 26:08Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck, dude, that might be Iran by next year.

• 26:11Matt McCusker?

  That Iran?

• 26:12Speaker 00

  Iran might expand at this rate, dude. They are fucking shit up. I think they killed like six guys.

• 26:17Matt McCusker?

  Did they?

• 26:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:18Matt McCusker?

  Oh, no.

• 26:21Speaker 00

  They're going nuts.

• 26:22Matt McCusker?

  Well, I've been trying to figure out, because I've been trying to like.

• 26:23Speaker 00

  He's fired 20,000 drones and hit like four guys. And we're like, we can't fuck with these guys. They're too strong.

• 26:32Matt McCusker?

  That's what I've been trying to figure out, because all the news is like, disaster, disaster, Trump's spinning out, it's over. And, you know, I'm trying to keep like a, a 360 view of like, I don't want to get caught up on either side of the propaganda. But it's like, bro, like, give me something, like, is it?

• 26:46Speaker 00

  I don't know anything that's happening.

• 26:47Matt McCusker?

  No, I can't, I literally can't get a read on it.

• 26:50Speaker 00

  I just know I need Cuba soon.

• 26:52Matt McCusker?

  I just talked to Grok all day. I just.

• 26:53Speaker 00

  What's Grok saying about it?

• 26:54Matt McCusker?

  He's.

• 26:55Speaker 00

  Grok's wrong about everything.

• 26:56Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, Grok's, Grok's been helping me with my, with my garden.

• 26:59Speaker 00

  Grok never even puts girls in bikinis when people ask him to.

• 27:02Matt McCusker?

  What is it? What's Grok do?

• 27:03Speaker 00

  Fucking never does it. I'm always checking. I go, did Grok do it? No. Someone always takes a hot picture of someone goes, Grok, put her in this outfit. It's like a thong. And Grok never does it. Grok's a bitch.

• 27:15Matt McCusker?

  It's like, no, thank you.

• 27:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, it just doesn't do anything. Yeah. Grok, I hope Grok gets fucking hit with a bazooka.

• 27:23Speaker 00

  I hope, I hope Iran gets Grok with a bazooka.

• 27:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that'd be terrible. Well, Musk is gonna pay for the TSA guys.

• 27:33Speaker 00

  That'd be sick.

• 27:33Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 27:34Speaker 00

  Also, I went, I flew this weekend, TSA, not one person was in line. It was great.

• 27:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, well, that, what they do is they take the, all the videos are at like 7 a.m., 6:30, when it's like prime time flying. So I went to Austin, the one, when they had like the news cameras there, because it was like a line all the way outside. Dude, it took me, I was TSA, first of all, they're like, TSA pre-check's not open. It's been open everywhere I've went.

• 27:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:57Matt McCusker?

  And I was outside, it took like 30 minutes. I got right through. But yeah, it was funny. There was a guy behind me. We were like outside. It's early in the morning. And like, you know, there's like, when it's real crowded, they hold it. There's like a lady with an orange flag and you gotta like find that person and stand there. That's like the line.

• 28:10Speaker 00

  This is on you for taking these early ass fucking flights.

• 28:13Matt McCusker?

  I like to get my nap. I like to get there. I fly day of and it's like, I'm gonna get there.

• 28:16Speaker 00

  Of course you fly, yeah.

• 28:18Matt McCusker?

  That, when they say you gotta get here the day before, I'm like, man, get the fuck out of here.

• 28:20Speaker 00

  That's ridiculous.

• 28:21Matt McCusker?

  It's crazy. But I, I fly early and it's, it's not even bad. I get there an hour, hour and a half early. Like I'm chilling. But there was, the lady's holding the flag. I find the flag lady and I'm like, alright, line's here. And I saw this guy, I think it was a Disney adult. He had the Disney backpack.

• 28:35Speaker 00

  Jesus Christ.

• 28:35Matt McCusker?

  He just stands, he goes in line and then he just stands like shoulder to shoulder with me and then inches forward. And it dude, there's, we're outside of the airport waiting to get in. I'm looking at him like, bro, uh, what are you doing?

• 28:45Speaker 00

  You get there before the airport's open?

• 28:46Matt McCusker?

  No, I'm saying like you're not, it, the line's out.

• 28:48Speaker 00

  The line went outside?

• 28:49Matt McCusker?

  It went outside.

• 28:50Speaker 00

  Jesus Christ.

• 28:50Matt McCusker?

  But it looks bad on the news, but it's.

• 28:52Speaker 00

  I'd be going home.

• 28:53Matt McCusker?

  It's not that, dude, it was 30 minutes, all said and done. And the guy's like shoulder to shoulder, creeps in front of me and I'm like, yo, bro, where you, where you going, man? He was like, oh, I'm just getting in line. I'm like, bro, I'm the back of the line. He was like, my flight's at seven o'clock. It's boarding now.

• 29:08Speaker 00

  Trying to butt in front of one person?

• 29:09Matt McCusker?

  Trying to butt in front of one person. And I was like, dude, like I was like, it makes you feel better since you're late. You can get in front of me, but you gotta go beg for mercy at the very front. Just go cry to them and tell them your flight's boarding. That's your only hope. Cause he was like, you think I'll make it? I was like, no, you're not gonna make it.

• 29:24Speaker 00

  No shot.

• 29:24Matt McCusker?

  You're not gonna make it. And he was just sitting there the whole time, like tapping and tapping. Finally, finally he took my advice and went to the TSA like, uh, whatever faceless ID. And he, they were like, go ahead, man. Let him through. And I was, he was just like stimming out. And I was like.

• 29:37Speaker 00

  Where the fuck do you think that guy had to go? You have a Disney bookbag on, you have nowhere to go.

• 29:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude.

• 29:42Speaker 00

  Nowhere. No, oh, you have an important business meeting?

• 29:46Matt McCusker?

  Dude, he was just, my flight's boarding.

• 29:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:49Matt McCusker?

  It's my flight's boarding right now. I was like, yeah, dickhead, you can't show up when your flight's boarding on a fucking Friday at seven, 6:30 AM. Move it.

• 29:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, I got in, a couple of the ICE agents said what up.

• 29:59Matt McCusker?

  You saw the ICE agents?

• 30:00Speaker 00

  No pictures, fellas.

• 30:04Speaker 00

  Please, no pictures, fellas.

• 30:05Matt McCusker?

  Brock, give me a picture.

• 30:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:08Matt McCusker?

  Of letting Shane hold the gun at the, at the airport.

• 30:12Speaker 00

  They would. The guy was like, yo, I went to your high school. I was like, sick, well.

• 30:17Speaker 00

  Please no picture. Please don't ask. Please don't ask.

• 30:20Matt McCusker?

  I'm kind of excited.

• 30:20Speaker 00

  Ice agent pictures.

• 30:22Matt McCusker?

  I know. I want to see him. I got, I, I get to fly next week. I want to, uh, I want to see, I wanted to see, like, I took two weeks off and I'm like, damn, I wanted to see those guys in the airport.

• 30:30Speaker 00

  Should have hassled them like the people on the internet are doing.

• 30:32Matt McCusker?

  True, true.

• 30:33Speaker 00

  Walk up and go, yeah, you fucking race trader bitch.

• 30:36Matt McCusker?

  Fucking kill me.

• 30:37Speaker 00

  So fucking crazy.

• 30:38Matt McCusker?

  I know, I know.

• 30:41Speaker 04

  There's a funny guy who's going to Mexico on vacation and he goes up to the ICE agents and he's like, you guys think you could get me there quicker? And the ICE agents crack up at his joke.

• 30:50Speaker 00

  That's a nice wholesome.

• 30:52Matt McCusker?

  That's wholesome. That is all. This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

• 30:56Speaker 00

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• 30:57Matt McCusker?

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• 31:04Speaker 00

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• 31:13Matt McCusker?

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• 31:33Speaker 00

  Incredible.

• 31:33Matt McCusker?

  Awesome. I, I said it before, man. My personal politics is whatever it takes to move the lines at the airport. I don't care.

• 31:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:40Matt McCusker?

  You can put anybody there. I'd be like, yo, go for it.

• 31:43Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 31:44Matt McCusker?

  You put Iran, got an airport and I'd be like, let's go, boys. You know what? You guys should have enriched uranium. I don't give a fuck. Let me through this fucking scanner right now. I'm a one-issue voter. I'm airport lines. That's it. It's all I care about. Speed it up by five minutes. You got my vote.

• 31:59Speaker 00

  I swear to God, I am. That's like true.

• 32:04Matt McCusker?

  So it's all I care about. That's the one thing. I'm like, no, for real, guys, we got to figure this out. It is bullshit. They don't stop arguing and just, just both parties should go, all right, let's like, take TSA out of our big, giant package of deals and just both say yes to funding TSA.

• 32:20Speaker 00

  How have you let nature just destroy our backyard? A squirrel was yelling at us when we walked in. Nature's on our house, dude.

• 32:28Matt McCusker?

  What the?

• 32:28Speaker 00

  He was in a tree and he wouldn't budge. He was just going.

• 32:32Speaker 00

  He's barking at La Mer.

• 32:33Matt McCusker?

  What the hell?

• 32:35Speaker 00

  It was, it was a very adorable squirrel.

• 32:38Matt McCusker?

  Was it really?

• 32:38Speaker 00

  I was scared of him. I thought he was gonna jump down on us, cuz I've never seen a squirrel do that. He stood his ground on us.

• 32:43Matt McCusker?

  What noise was he making?

• 32:44Speaker 00

  He like barked.

• 32:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was like a squirrel bark.

• 32:47Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 32:49Matt McCusker?

  Well, it's funny cuz they, they rarely are rabid, I think. I don't think, it was like, I don't think rodents get rabies like that.

• 32:54Speaker 00

  I think he was just defending his fucking tree.

• 32:56Matt McCusker?

  That's crazy.

• 32:57Speaker 03

  Might have been babies up there. Might have been squirrel.

• 33:00Speaker 00

  Saw you, he knew, he's like, this fucking, this bear is gonna try to eat my fucking, fuckers can climb too, he's gonna climb up here.

• 33:11Speaker 03

  I, I just, I just, I just made sure nothing was like touched. I tried to at least.

• 33:18Speaker 00

  You did a great job.

• 33:20Matt McCusker?

  He was guarding, he was guarding the portal, dude.

• 33:22Speaker 00

  He did, and I saw him guard it. I have the ring camera, I got to see, that's the only time I talked to him. He's like, what are you doing? Where are you going? Uh, in the creek. Playing, playing board games at the creek? Yeah, alright.

• 33:35Matt McCusker?

  Dude, they got La Mer hooping, they got La Mer hooping on the creeks.

• 33:38Speaker 00

  I did see La Mer hooping on there and I said, alright, maybe he would score a bucket. He had a nice layup, I was like, oh shit.

• 33:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man.

• 33:44Speaker 00

  Deceptive.

• 33:45Matt McCusker?

  I, I played pickup basketball two days ago, I still have a headache.

• 33:49Speaker 00

  But then I did go to the gym with La Mer yesterday and you're not getting more than two points. You're gonna be so gassed.

• 33:56Speaker 03

  I'll hustle, I'll keep playing.

• 33:57Matt McCusker?

  La Mer said he could beat me in a race. While you were gone, La Mer for real was like, no, seriously, I could beat you. I was like, La Mer, that's not even, that's, you're, you're just lying. That's crazy.

• 34:08Speaker 00

  Why'd you say that?

• 34:09Speaker 03

  I don't know, I was having fun.

• 34:11Speaker 00

  Alright.

• 34:11Matt McCusker?

  That's fair.

• 34:16Speaker 00

  You believed it. How drunk were you when you made the claim?

• 34:19Matt McCusker?

  I was, I was sober.

• 34:19Matt McCusker?

  It was the middle of the day, it was like 10:30 AM.

• 34:22Speaker 00

  There's no chance it was 10:30.

• 34:24Matt McCusker?

  Huh?

• 34:24Speaker 00

  What the fuck was he doing at 10:30?

• 34:26Matt McCusker?

  I might have been doing an early cast, might have been noon though, actually, it might have been noon. At noon, I think high noon, he looked me in the eyes, like I could beat you in a race. Why are you doing that, man?

• 34:34Speaker 00

  You think he could beat Nate in a race?

• 34:35Matt McCusker?

  That's a good question.

• 34:37Speaker 03

  I think he could beat Nate in a race, yeah.

• 34:39Matt McCusker?

  How about you guys race to Houston and do some shit?

• 34:44Speaker 00

  The winner gets forty-eight dollars and gets to bomb for an hour in front of twelve guys. Yeah, then I'm just gonna go, "Meese, please, the man."

• 34:56Matt McCusker?

  They go on Reddit, "Oh, I saw him, he fucking sucked."

• 35:00Speaker 00

  Fuck him, "I saw him, fucking sucks, piece of shit."

• 35:03Matt McCusker?

  Oh, boy, oh, boy. I'll tell you what, man.

• 35:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's good to be back.

• 35:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's good times. Right in time for summer, too.

• 35:11Speaker 00

  It's good to be back. I don't have a vehicle right now, so I'm at the mercy of the Meese. "Meese, please, give me a ride, bro, please."

• 35:20Matt McCusker?

  You're in the Meese Sadies.

• 35:21Speaker 00

  I am in the Meese Sadies.

• 35:26Matt McCusker?

  Dang, where's your vehicle getting transported down?

• 35:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:29Matt McCusker?

  That's what's up. Fucking nice.

• 35:31Speaker 00

  Until then, I'm at the mercy of the Meese.

• 35:33Matt McCusker?

  Go horseback.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  Mercy. Meese, what do you, what time do you leave for Houston tomorrow? Two? Yeah.

• 35:44Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 35:44Speaker 00

  I think my vehicle's coming tomorrow. I need someone here. Nate, you're not doing anything. You wanna chill? Yeah, I can be here.

• 35:54Matt McCusker?

  Nice. Hell, yeah.

• 35:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm trying to think. Didn't really do anything.

• 36:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 36:00Speaker 00

  Stung by the wasp was big.

• 36:02Matt McCusker?

  Stung by the wasp.

• 36:02Speaker 00

  That hasn't happened to me in years.

• 36:04Matt McCusker?

  Dude.

• 36:04Speaker 00

  I forgot how bad that fucking hurts, dude.

• 36:06Matt McCusker?

  You wanna cry.

• 36:07Speaker 00

  And I was mad at the wasp. I was like, "What the fuck? What's the point of it still hurting?"

• 36:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 36:12Speaker 00

  You know?

• 36:12Matt McCusker?

  And wasps?

• 36:13Speaker 00

  It's a defense mechanism, like it's to get you away.

• 36:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 36:15Speaker 00

  But then, then I thought about it more, and it does work. I was scared to walk over there.

• 36:19Matt McCusker?

  Oh, for sure.

• 36:20Speaker 00

  I don't wanna go back over to that side of my house.

• 36:23Matt McCusker?

  We got it. After this, let's go take care of that when we're done.

• 36:26Speaker 00

  I'd like that, but you'll see, the nest is that big. It's literally like one fucking...

• 36:32Matt McCusker?

  One cell.

• 36:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:33Matt McCusker?

  Is there, is it inside the outlet or in the cover?

• 36:36Speaker 00

  It's inside the cover.

• 36:38Matt McCusker?

  Oh, we got that. Oh, we gotta lift it.

• 36:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:40Matt McCusker?

  So we need one person with a broomstick to lift it up.

• 36:42Speaker 00

  That fucking thing was, I woke him up last night. I opened it and stuck my hand. I could hear it. I heard a noise.

• 36:51Matt McCusker?

  And I don't think they...

• 36:52Speaker 00

  I hope it was a wasp, I would imagine.

• 36:53Matt McCusker?

  Probably. They don't lose their stinger either, so that guy's still alive.

• 36:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:57Matt McCusker?

  They don't like sting you and die.

• 36:58Speaker 00

  I got hit with a bazooka. Bad fucking dickhead.

• 37:04Matt McCusker?

  I had an ankle, I had a bee land on my ankle. I was outside working out and it landed on my ankle. It was like a big fly and I was like, fuck off me. I got it off. It was on there for like five seconds.

• 37:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:13Matt McCusker?

  Came and landed on my other ankle for five more seconds. And I was like, I saw it was a bee. I was like, what the fuck? Just a bee chilled on me. No, didn't even sting me. It was crazy. Yeah, I was like, I was kinda scared though. I was kinda like, damn, the other thing could have got me.

• 37:25Speaker 00

  I was already afraid of these wasps.

• 37:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they're there.

• 37:28Speaker 00

  They dominate my pool.

• 37:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 37:29Speaker 00

  Drink out of it. They fucking, they're always there. Now I'm really scared of them. Now that I've felt their fucking rap. It's on the tip of my pinky. That thing would have killed anywhere else. You get that on like a fucking shoulder or your belly or something, that would fucking kill.

• 37:45Matt McCusker?

  Ah, it's like, it's like tattoo logic, wherever a tattoo would hurt.

• 37:48Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 37:49Matt McCusker?

  A belly sting, I think a belly sting would be better though.

• 37:53Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 37:53Matt McCusker?

  I feel like, like the bone elbow would hurt. Dude, I got stung in literally the same spot, right in the finger. It hurts so fucking bad.

• 38:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was trying to sleep and it kept hurting randomly. It would just feel like I got stung again.

• 38:07Matt McCusker?

  Like fucking, I'm gonna kill those motherfuckers. I told you, but last summer when I got stung, it was late summer when they get all like weird and like old. It just came down from a tree, landed on my finger, stung and flew away. And I was like, what the fuck? I wasn't even near the nest. Just stung me and I, I literally was like, I was like this, walking, holding my finger like.

• 38:28Matt McCusker?

  Ow, that's when I, there was a Mexican sweet boy at the restaurant I was at. I'd ordered stuff to go and I like, it was like, dude, just be cool. And as soon as he looked at me, I was like, I just got stung by a wasp.

• 38:38Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 38:39Matt McCusker?

  I had to tell somebody. I had to tell a trusted adult. I was like, I got hurt. I got hurt.

• 38:43Speaker 00

  You're never gonna believe what just happened. You know the scariest fucking bugs? It attacked me.

• 38:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man. He had, he had, he had very kind eyes and I was just kinda like, I gotta tell you.

• 38:55Speaker 00

  The sweet boy did?

• 38:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, very kind eyes. So I gotta tell you something. I gotta tell you something, brother.

• 39:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:02Matt McCusker?

  He put a, she would have got like a cold horchata on me. Cold horchata on my finger. It'd have been nice.

• 39:09Matt McCusker?

  He did his milk on me.

• 39:12Matt McCusker?

  This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Growing up.

• 39:17Speaker 00

  The help with the better.

• 39:18Matt McCusker?

  What'd you have to learn about money growing up? Any financial stress you experienced?

• 39:22Speaker 00

  Uh, personally, I, yeah, I just never had it. I didn't really, I wasn't stressed about it.

• 39:27Matt McCusker?

  True. You ain't worried about it?

• 39:28Speaker 00

  I ain't worried about it.

• 39:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I had, my problem growing up was no money, no problems. I had too many damn problems.

• 39:33Speaker 00

  No, I was pretty stressed about it. When I, when, once you get a little older.

• 39:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 39:36Speaker 00

  I was grown up when I started getting stressed about money.

• 39:38Matt McCusker?

  When you had money problems?

• 39:40Speaker 00

  When I was a young man, I, the only thing I was, I was stressed, I would steal quarters from my parents to get Choco Tacos when the ice cream truck came by.

• 39:47Matt McCusker?

  That's stress.

• 39:48Speaker 00

  And that was stressful because you go, I'm not, I'm not gonna fuck these guys over and give them nickels.

• 39:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I remember.

• 39:52Speaker 00

  Find all the quarters.

• 39:53Matt McCusker?

  I know. I remember just having a bunch of like tens and fives that smelled like weed and I'd have to take them to the bank. That's stress.

• 39:59Speaker 00

  That is stressful.

• 39:59Matt McCusker?

  Being like, please don't fucking smell these bills.

• 40:03Speaker 00

  Is BetterHelp talking about money now?

• 40:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude. I'm the money man. When we talk money, I'm always reminded of a moment when I felt stressed and overwhelmed. Time I was struggling to pay the rent when tax season rolls around. Yeah, I mean, money's stressful. Hey, guys, our relationship with money can be dot, dot, dot, weird. And not always good. You're feeling the stress. You're not alone. And guess what? There's something you can do. Try therapy with BetterHelp.

• 40:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:28Matt McCusker?

  They can't solve your financial woes, but they can help you better manage the anxiety that comes with it. BetterHelp's fully licensed therapists have served millions of people around the world, changing their relationship with money, other people, even themselves. Because everything is entirely online. It's easier to get the support you need when you need it.

• 40:46Speaker 00

  That's not good. That's not a good sign.

• 40:48Matt McCusker?

  It's a weird angle.

• 40:48Speaker 00

  For the economy.

• 40:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 40:50Speaker 00

  It's not a good sign.

• 40:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Are you sad and?

• 40:52Speaker 00

  Hey, have you, have you fucked right now?

• 40:55Matt McCusker?

  Strange. Yeah, that is a bad. Guys, when life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/mssp. That's better H E L P dot com slash MSSP.

• 41:07Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 41:10Speaker 00

  April 17th, I'll be in Nashville. The 18th, I'll be in Charlotte. Uh, Monday, May 4th, I'll be at the Hollywood Bowl in LA. It's a fucking Monday? It's crazy. Thursday, I'll be Thursday, Friday, Saturday, May 7th, date the 9th, I'll be in Boston. And July 17th at the Link and there's a few shows, there's a couple of tickets left for that. Get on it.

• 41:34Matt McCusker?

  Hell yeah. Guys, 4/10, April 10th, I'll be at the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul, Minnesota. The day after that, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa, and then like I was talking about, Celebrity Theater, Phoenix, Arizona. Then Tucson and I'll be in Toronto, 5/15. I think, but I have two shows, I think they're both sold out. Might add a third.

• 41:53Speaker 00

  Okay, Toronto rules.

• 41:54Matt McCusker?

  Toronto does seem sick. I might add a third, but I don't know, hopefully I just want to do two.

• 41:58Speaker 00

  Toronto doesn't have bums.

• 42:00Matt McCusker?

  It doesn't?

• 42:01Speaker 00

  No, they're in Waterloo.

• 42:04Matt McCusker?

  And then Chicago, 5/16, Riviera Theater. And also I'll be at the Mothership all of this weekend, Friday, Saturday, and I think, I think only Sunday and late Saturdays left, so please come.

• 42:16Speaker 00

  Thank you. Oh, and you can catch Nate at the Comedy Festival tomorrow. Goodbye.

• 42:23Matt McCusker?

  Damn, other, other than that, dude, I, you know, I've been all business, man. I've been down here just-

• 42:26Speaker 00

  You've been strictly biz.

• 42:27Matt McCusker?

  Strictly biz. Strictly business. Strictly business.

• 42:31Speaker 00

  You have been strictly biz.

• 42:32Matt McCusker?

  Strictly biz, man. I've just been fucking like working out and doing stuff and not sleeping, it's been tight.

• 42:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was just doing tires.

• 42:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 42:40Speaker 00

  That was it.

• 42:41Matt McCusker?

  Heard that. That was it? Just global, global, global conflict?

• 42:45Speaker 00

  Global conflict that I know nothing about. And then doing tires.

• 42:49Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I'm telling you though, B-ball, I think my toenail is gonna fall off. When you would stop real hard in shoes, I think I'm gonna lose my left toenail. Dude, I played five games and I, I for real, I felt like I've had a fever for two days. I felt, the next morning I woke up and I was telling Brittany, I was like, not even sore, man, I'm, I must be in shape, I'm working out. And like by noon, I was like, why is my fucking head hurt so bad? I laid down for like three hours, went to bed. I still feel fucked up today.

• 43:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was nice. I was going to bed last night, I was like, why the fuck am I so tired? And I was like, oh yeah, I worked out.

• 43:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 43:21Speaker 00

  For the first time in forever.

• 43:23Matt McCusker?

  What's the protocol?

• 43:24Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 43:24Matt McCusker?

  What was the workout protocol?

• 43:25Speaker 00

  It was nothing. I literally went there to sauna and cold plunge.

• 43:28Matt McCusker?

  That's nice.

• 43:29Speaker 00

  But I, then we, I lifted a little.

• 43:31Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 43:33Speaker 00

  It was nice. What, you smiling? And then got in and go, I'm not doing a fucking cold plunge, went to the sauna and left.

• 43:39Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 43:40Speaker 00

  Yeah. I stared at the cold plunge, put my hand in it. I was like, I just don't have it. I don't have it today, boys.

• 43:45Matt McCusker?

  That's true. That's true. I've, I've acclimated to it now where I can pop in.

• 43:49Speaker 00

  I, I used to be.

• 43:50Matt McCusker?

  You were, you were cold plunge king.

• 43:51Speaker 00

  Cold plunge.

• 43:52Matt McCusker?

  I was cold plunge baby. I couldn't do it. Now I can, I can sit in there for three minutes and just kinda like, I got into Barton Springs recently, felt like nothing.

• 43:59Speaker 00

  That's nice.

• 44:00Matt McCusker?

  It was, I was like, dude, I've, ah, I got, dude, I don't know what's up with the diving board there. I tried to do a backflip.

• 44:07Matt McCusker?

  Dude, the diving board's fucked up. It, it just, you know when you're on a trampoline with someone and they steal your bounce and you don't go up at all? I tried to do a backflip off it. My, I don't know what happened. The board stole my bounce. So I just like, didn't get any air and just went, whoo, my legs.

• 44:21Speaker 00

  A bunch of people there?

• 44:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude. My legs whipped as hard as they could go and this water shot up my nose. I landed on my face and water shot up my nose.

• 44:28Speaker 00

  Oh, that's not good.

• 44:29Matt McCusker?

  Dude, you know when you like, like you get in like almost like an accident and it takes a second to be like, what the fuck happened? I got out of the water like.

• 44:36Speaker 00

  And you were trying to show out for all the people?

• 44:38Matt McCusker?

  Trying to show out. Trying to show out.

• 44:40Speaker 00

  Have you ever seen titties there?

• 44:41Matt McCusker?

  No. Well, well, I did see asterisk. I, I saw titties that got the nipples removed. When I was there and actually to be, there wasn't a ton of people there. I went early. So I had, when you were like, uh, two days ago, I had Corey Hyder on, the guy from Instagram goes through all the houses or whatever. And, uh, so I took him down there. And so we saw that first of all, he saw my backflip. It was fucking trash. And then I go down and we see the, like, I was telling him, I'm like, yo, sometimes there's like titties here.

• 45:10Speaker 00

  There's titties here.

• 45:10Matt McCusker?

  Walk, there are titties, but there's no nipple. I don't know what was going on with them. I was just like, oh, fuck, you know? So then, you know, we're getting out and, uh, so we go to the locker room and I was like, before we walk in, I'm like.

• 45:23Speaker 00

  Locker room?

• 45:23Matt McCusker?

  Well, I had to get, I had warm clothes. I had to get changed out. But dude, so, and I, I thought there'd be like dressing stalls in there. So like, we're walking in, I'm like, bro.

• 45:30Speaker 00

  James?

• 45:31Matt McCusker?

  Ah, no, no, no.

• 45:32Speaker 00

  You got naked in front of a podcast guest?

• 45:35Matt McCusker?

  I didn't get naked. I didn't get naked, but when I brought him in, I was like, dude, this is another thing I love down here. When you go into these bathrooms, I was trying, about to say like, there's no ceiling a lot of the times where you're like, it's a sky, but you're in the bathroom. I'm like, bro, I fucking love the bathrooms. And we turn a corner, just a fucking glistening hog. And I, and like, I didn't finish my sentence.

• 45:55Speaker 00

  You know what I love about?

• 45:57Matt McCusker?

  I walk in and just a dude rinsing off and it's like, I think he was bricked, honestly. It was like a bricked up hog and then the guy just talking this close to him while he's showering. And the dude Cory was, we just both went silent, just staring straight ahead. As soon as he like went, I was like, almost just, dude, I almost just walked out, almost turned around. And then I got walked to an emergency exit and it was like in a dead end. We both just, do we both just stood there? I was like, dude, I didn't know that guy was gonna be there. I didn't know that guy was gonna be there. He's like, dude chill, I'll go to the stall, I'll get changed. I was like, what the fuck are we gonna do? We can't get naked with each other. And he's like, I'll go to the bathroom stall. And I was like, alright, alright, cool. He was like, dude, that guy's bricked up for real, that guy, that was crazy. We like giggle and walk back in.

• 46:43Matt McCusker?

  And he goes in the stall, gets changed. And I just, I turned and gave the guy bricked up guy butt. I just turned, I just, I pulled trout. Showed him my, I showed him my ass, cuz I was like, I can't, dude, it's, oh dude, I'm not gonna give him penis dude. Although that could have. Why are you guys getting naked in there? I was like, well, he was, he had hog out and I was gonna do like dressed, cuz I gave the stall, obviously, to the guests. I'm like, yeah, I don't, I'll handle the streets out here. So then I'm like, you go in. And then I was like, I felt kind of like a bitch getting dressed under my towel when the guy was presenting hog. So I just presented my strong suit, which is my cake. So I presented, cuz I was like fully shrimped out. So I was like, I'm gonna show him my cake, bro. A hog like that'll shrimp you out. Dude, I was shrimp from the water. See a monster hog like that? I couldn't present dude, I was fucked.

• 47:26Matt McCusker?

  He was having a conversation, glistening hog in the sun, like. Do you remember what he was talking about? I, dude, I could, it was like a flashback. It was just like.

• 47:35Matt McCusker?

  So he was, it was probably like a city employee, I think. That's, that's, he struck me as like a guy, when you go get like a construction permit, he's like, I don't know, man. I don't know, he like, he struck me as one of those guys. I thought he was. Total composure. Sounded like a homosexual man. I, very high probability, yeah, very high probability, actually. So, but then I did have a palate cleanser. So then I, you know, I got, I got my clothes on. You know, I, I abandoned the towel. I was partially a man in the locker room, but I did show ass. And then I turned around Cory, I'm like, I'm dressed. Cory comes out, he's dressed. And we turned around, there was an old man who had walked in and I was like, oh no dude, we got another incoming hog. Bro was inverted and that was like a palate cleanser for me. I was like, all right, here we go. We got like an old inverted penis. A fucking glistening Mexican hog. By then he had pulled on the briefs, thank God.

• 48:20Matt McCusker?

  Dude, the guy fucking like close talked him the whole time he was showering. It was so funny. It was crazy dude. I'd never been in the locker room before Barton Springs.

• 48:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:29Matt McCusker?

  So I was like-

• 48:30Speaker 00

  I would imagine that is definitely a hotspot.

• 48:32Matt McCusker?

  Bro, I, I kind of put that together. I got there, I went, oh, okay.

• 48:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:36Matt McCusker?

  Cause the bros were happy in there. The bros were in there, chipper as could be.

• 48:40Speaker 00

  Everyone in there has a Ukraine flag in their front.

• 48:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 48:44Speaker 00

  Every single one of them.

• 48:46Matt McCusker?

  I just, I felt so bad to be like, this is one of my favorite things. They're out down here, we turn a corner, I went, ah, god damn it, fuck. Dude, it was, I mean, you know, when you like, you know, when you just fall from being completely bricked up and you're like getting a shower and you check yourself in the mirror and you go, yeah, it pretty much is, pretty much is like this all the time. That's, he presented, it was like a flawless, flaccid presentation. I gotta give it to the guy. It was the best.

• 49:10Speaker 00

  Circed up?

• 49:11Matt McCusker?

  I believe so. I kind of inverted my eyes pretty quickly, but I, I'm pretty sure, I, I would have registered if it was on Circe, cause that would have been another factor that haunted my fucking dreams.

• 49:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I think it was just like a, yeah, that was, Cory was like, bro, that was like a health class.

• 49:28Matt McCusker?

  I thought I was in health class. It was just weird dongs all around. And the close talking while naked, I'll never understand it. And it was clothed male, nude male too. The one guy was fully clothed, just sitting there like, yeah dude, so anyway.

• 49:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can't do that.

• 49:43Matt McCusker?

  No, it was, that was, that was a shocker. And I got out at like 65 degree water. So I'm like, that was, that was the big question. We were like, how the fuck is that guy presenting like that? We just got out of the chilly water.

• 49:54Speaker 00

  They might've just got out of it, something else.

• 49:56Matt McCusker?

  True, could have been. That's what I was thinking about. Like, that'd be so sick to be gay and just be like, watching dudes swim for an hour. You get out, everyone's dicks are out. That must be so fucking sick. You know what I'm saying? That'd be like, if you swam, it was just babes, then you just go to get changed.

• 50:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, but them, if you go in the locker room and you glance, there's a, there's a chance you get beat to death. You know?

• 50:18Matt McCusker?

  What do you mean?

• 50:18Speaker 00

  By a homophotocan.

• 50:20Matt McCusker?

  Right, right.

• 50:20Speaker 00

  You know?

• 50:21Matt McCusker?

  Ah, they had, they had numbers, bro.

• 50:22Speaker 00

  Scoping dongs.

• 50:24Matt McCusker?

  They had numbers, dude.

• 50:25Speaker 00

  They are running a risk, is what I'm saying.

• 50:26Matt McCusker?

  Oh, for sure. For sure.

• 50:28Speaker 00

  Down Texas way?

• 50:29Matt McCusker?

  But in that locker room.

• 50:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're safe there.

• 50:31Matt McCusker?

  They had absolute numbers. If I had been like, what the fuck, I would have gotten probably slapped to death.

• 50:37Speaker 00

  Could've been slapped to death.

• 50:39Matt McCusker?

  Death by a thousand slaps.

• 50:42Speaker 00

  He died by sissy.

• 50:44Matt McCusker?

  But that was fun. That was, that was still though, that was a funny moment.

• 50:46Speaker 00

  Mexican sissy beat him to death.

• 50:50Matt McCusker?

  I would've came back, just fucking mushroom tatted up, just whipped me with his giant hog.

• 50:56Matt McCusker?

  Had Brittany nurse my mushroom tats.

• 51:00Speaker 00

  Couldn't show her, dude. The tip, the tip of the.

• 51:02Matt McCusker?

  The glons?

• 51:02Speaker 00

  It'd be too big.

• 51:03Matt McCusker?

  She'd be like, did you get slapped by a glons? I'd be like, dude, he was kind of bricked. It was actually hard.

• 51:06Speaker 00

  It was hard as hell. It was like, couldn't hit him with a tong.

• 51:09Matt McCusker?

  How did he whip you if he was bricked? He'd be like, it just settled. I swear to God. Just settled.

• 51:14Speaker 00

  He brought his hips with him. He's fucking.

• 51:17Matt McCusker?

  The dick gods just pulled the bone out of it. Fucking. There are, but there are some big fish down there though, in the, uh, Barn Creek. I had my goggles on. I was down.

• 51:27Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. I'm just so jealous of everyone with the goggles.

• 51:29Matt McCusker?

  Bro, I had the gogs and I was, dude, there was like four or five big fish down there. I was very pumped about it.

• 51:35Speaker 00

  You should start fishing down there and get beat up by the sissies.

• 51:37Matt McCusker?

  Oh, the sissies would fuck you up.

• 51:39Speaker 00

  The sissies in the, yeah.

• 51:41Matt McCusker?

  They, you, they would, they would scream at you. Also dudes, people just swim into you. If you're not like doing, like full laps and just kind of like chilling in the water, you got like, literally swam into by a guy. Just bulldozed right in. And he was like, and like, he didn't say anything. And then, uh, the dude, Corey, was like, god damn, what the hell? And he's like, oh, I'm sorry about that. And just kept, kept going. He's backstroking. Just.

• 52:03Matt McCusker?

  Right into him.

• 52:04Speaker 00

  I don't like that.

• 52:05Matt McCusker?

  I should have caught a ride. I should have jumped on him.

• 52:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:08Matt McCusker?

  I get barnacle.

• 52:12Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, Barton Springs is, I think, it's the best. Place fucking rules, all things considered. I'll just drive home in my wet bathing suit next time.

• 52:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, you have to.

• 52:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's, well, I didn't want, it was like chilly. I was like, you know, let me, let me be considerate. I don't want to sign a guy up to be chilly and wet. I didn't feel like that'd be a very hospitable thing to do. Being chilly and wet sucks.

• 52:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:33Matt McCusker?

  Cause I, I do it, I do the cold plunge at my gym and then I just drive home. I've been doing natural reheat, no sauna. You just get out.

• 52:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:40Matt McCusker?

  And just fucking head back and I drive. When I use, that's why I always bring a pair. Feels really good.

• 52:46Speaker 00

  I'm always cold for like the rest of the day.

• 52:49Matt McCusker?

  You're cold for a while.

• 52:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:50Matt McCusker?

  If you do it all the time, your body like I now I, I would get so cold that I'd be actually scared. I would drive and be like, dude, for real? I'm like, I'm getting lightheaded. This is fucked up. Your body adapts quick. Now I can just kind of drive home. No big deal, but it's like, that's why I was like, I don't want to sign someone up. Cause I did a lot of wet, cold drives home. So I'm like, I can't put that on somebody. Not a fucking civilian in terms of this cold water game.

• 53:13Speaker 00

  No. Can't do that. I'm back to civilian status.

• 53:16Matt McCusker?

  You got, you'll get it right back.

• 53:17Speaker 00

  I know, I gotta get in there.

• 53:18Matt McCusker?

  Get it right back.

• 53:18Speaker 00

  I couldn't even get in my pool yesterday. It's too chilly.

• 53:21Matt McCusker?

  Are you serious?

• 53:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, I'm, I've lost my.

• 53:23Matt McCusker?

  Nah, that'll put some lead in your pencil.

• 53:25Speaker 00

  I, I need it.

• 53:26Matt McCusker?

  That'll put some lead in your, you getting that cold water, bro? That'll put some lead, that'll put some number two graphite right back in the pencil.

• 53:32Speaker 00

  I'm back to drinking though. I'm excited about that.

• 53:34Matt McCusker?

  That's nice.

• 53:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. Soon as I got back to Austin.

• 53:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 53:38Speaker 00

  Directly back to a terrible schedule. No changes. I was so, I was like, this is great. Not drinking, it's so great.

• 53:45Matt McCusker?

  You feel great.

• 53:45Speaker 00

  Soon as I get back, yeah, I'll go out tonight. Fuck it. Austin's fun. It's nice out.

• 53:50Matt McCusker?

  It is fun. There's something about the sun in the summer here. It's very hard to not drink. I, I.

• 53:54Speaker 00

  Still gotta get a boat trip.

• 53:56Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 53:57Speaker 00

  Excited about that.

• 53:57Matt McCusker?

  Never been. I've still, I've been on, I've been on one, it was like shitty and cold. Christmas lights. It was a Christmas light.

• 54:03Speaker 00

  You're gonna love it.

• 54:04Matt McCusker?

  I bet. It'd be nice. I love, I'm a, yeah, you put me on the water, bro. Change.

• 54:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's very fun.

• 54:10Matt McCusker?

  My gills come out.

• 54:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, people lose their minds at sea.

• 54:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:14Speaker 00

  These guys, you guys went nuts last time we were at sea. Swimming, all of a sudden you thought you could swim, you got drunk and confident.

• 54:20Speaker 02

  I threw on the-

• 54:20Speaker 00

  He's gonna die.

• 54:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:23Speaker 00

  I kept me like for real, keep an eye on him, cause he cannot swim.

• 54:26Speaker 02

  The safety vest though.

• 54:27Matt McCusker?

  You had a life vest?

• 54:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:28Speaker 00

  Still.

• 54:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:29Speaker 00

  I didn't like it. I wanted you back on board.

• 54:32Matt McCusker?

  Your ass floats.

• 54:33Speaker 00

  His ass does float.

• 54:34Speaker 02

  I was trapped underwater.

• 54:35Speaker 00

  Straight, yeah.

• 54:36Speaker 02

  I was top and bottom buoyant. It was, I was, it was flawless.

• 54:39Speaker 00

  You were what?

• 54:40Speaker 02

  Top and bottom buoyant. I think I used that word, right?

• 54:43Matt McCusker?

  I think so, yeah. Something, sounds fine.

• 54:46Speaker 00

  I just heard top and bottom and buoy.

• 54:50Speaker 00

  Gonna call you gay again. You seem less zesty. Is that why he's become the king? Or is he still?

• 54:56Matt McCusker?

  He had to go to the zesty underworld, now he became a straight king.

• 54:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, straight king now.

• 55:00Speaker 03

  It doesn't bother us anymore. He's just super zesty. We just let him be.

• 55:04Speaker 02

  That's how you know Lamar is mad at me.

• 55:06Speaker 00

  Lamar is mad.

• 55:08Matt McCusker?

  I can't, and again, I get it. You guys have reservations about it. I think it's totally innocent, the project. I try to give them the black swim club as an idea. I think it'd be, you guys could be defying stereotypes. It's you two in the pool, you bring another black comic over, you just chop it up, talk about whatever, then all three of you-

• 55:23Speaker 00

  Honestly, that'd be a really-

• 55:24Matt McCusker?

  Swim on camera.

• 55:25Speaker 00

  Fucking funny ass podcast.

• 55:26Matt McCusker?

  I know, man, and they won't do it.

• 55:27Speaker 00

  None of you can swim.

• 55:28Matt McCusker?

  Million dollar idea.

• 55:29Speaker 00

  Just try to talk while you're doggy battling with your ass in the air.

• 55:35Matt McCusker?

  I think, what?

• 55:37Speaker 02

  Can't lose, we can't lose anybody though.

• 55:39Matt McCusker?

  We have white lifeguards.

• 55:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, we will have the whites.

• 55:42Speaker 02

  No, I don't trust y'all to not watch us drown.

• 55:45Speaker 00

  We're gonna let you drown a little.

• 55:46Speaker 02

  See, see?

• 55:47Speaker 00

  No, we take water very seriously.

• 55:49Matt McCusker?

  That's true.

• 55:50Speaker 00

  I was genuinely concerned for you.

• 55:53Speaker 02

  I, I had it. We had the, we had the big like floating, it wasn't, it wasn't a floating bed, but that floating thing. We were safe, we were safe.

• 56:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:02Speaker 02

  Tommy was teaching us how to swim.

• 56:03Speaker 00

  Tommy was blacked out.

• 56:04Speaker 02

  I know, that was my favorite part.

• 56:05Speaker 00

  I was blacked out like, oh, yeah, you gotta fucking swim.

• 56:08Speaker 02

  He's trying to give me to take the life vest off.

• 56:10Speaker 00

  Into the middle of the river. I was like, dude, he can't swim. He needs to be able to hold on to the boat.

• 56:16Speaker 02

  He's trying to get us to take the life vest off.

• 56:18Speaker 00

  He gets in like a little kid though. It's so funny to get him in, to try to get him in the water. He's like,

• 56:25Speaker 00

  he like holds on to the boat, like, give me up.

• 56:29Speaker 02

  It was scary until the bruise hit, did I, did it?

• 56:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. No, it's scary. You never know what's in there. How, how deep do you think that is out there?

• 56:39Speaker 00

  It's pretty fucking deep.

• 56:42Matt McCusker?

  Think.

• 56:42Speaker 00

  It's gotta be, no, it's gotta be more than ten.

• 56:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, bro. Okay.

• 56:48Speaker 00

  Oh, you, you do have a good, you got a good depth finding in your brain, yeah.

• 56:53Matt McCusker?

  What was telling you was about ten feet, what was, uh?

• 56:58Speaker 04

  Nothing, really, that's just my guess.

• 57:00Matt McCusker?

  Fisherman, just fisherman's intuition?

• 57:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, I couldn't feel the bottom, so I just guessed ten feet. We were kinda close to the shore, so.

• 57:07Matt McCusker?

  Okay. That makes sense.

• 57:09Speaker 04

  I get scared when I can't touch the bottom.

• 57:11Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I think there's.

• 57:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, not touching the bottom's spooky.

• 57:13Matt McCusker?

  Barton, there's parts in the Barton, I swear to God, it must be like twenty feet down, there it goes, that place goes like.

• 57:17Speaker 04

  Gets close to there, yeah.

• 57:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, super far. So who knows, dude, out in the middle of Lake Austin.

• 57:22Speaker 00

  Not touching the bottom's scary, touching the bottom's scary too.

• 57:24Speaker 04

  Yeah, true.

• 57:25Speaker 00

  Step in the fucking like mud and whatever the fuck that is.

• 57:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I got, I got, I got caught in that like sea grass stuff. Did you ever play that Ninja Turtles game? For Nintendo, the second level, when you're in the water and there's the fucking electric sea grass, that's all I could think of. I touched it, I was like, ah!

• 57:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, it is spooky.

• 57:40Matt McCusker?

  I felt it, I was like, ah shit.

• 57:42Speaker 00

  Moves, you go, there's something in there. That's a giant snake.

• 57:46Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I, I was, I was thinking of it, when the grass hit me, all I could think about was water snakes. I was like, bro, if I get a, the water moccasin, they'll get you. You get by, you hit a nest, man, they'll kill, they'll fucking kill you.

• 57:58Speaker 00

  Barton Springs is eighteen feet, the lake is seventy-five feet.

• 58:02Matt McCusker?

  Oh, okay.

• 58:02Speaker 00

  Lake Austin?

• 58:03Matt McCusker?

  I was close.

• 58:04Speaker 00

  Damn.

• 58:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:11Matt McCusker?

  Dang, that's deep as hell.

• 58:12Speaker 00

  Damn. I haven't been gone for a while and we still have no steam.

• 58:19Speaker 00

  I mean, you'd think we'd have a lot of stories.

• 58:22Matt McCusker?

  We got steam. Steam's out, we were just steaming.

• 58:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, steaming right along.

• 58:26Matt McCusker?

  We were steaming.

• 58:27Speaker 00

  As if we never left.

• 58:28Matt McCusker?

  No, we were steaming for like fucking thirty minutes. And I mean, again, apologies for the vibe, that really fucked us up.

• 58:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, it kinda scared me.

• 58:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man. For real, I, I was feeling the same thing.

• 58:39Speaker 00

  They don't act like that. I hate when they act up and turn on each other.

• 58:42Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 58:43Speaker 00

  It is like walking dogs. Occasionally they just start fucking biting each other, and you're like, guys? What the fuck are you doing that for? They get mad at somebody else, they're like, that comic's a piece of shit. And then, you know what, you're a fucking piece of shit. Fuck you!

• 58:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 59:00Speaker 00

  Nasty little fuckers.

• 59:01Matt McCusker?

  Did you see the guy who was stuffing balloons in his shirt, being a slut?

• 59:06Speaker 00

  Kristi Noem's husband?

• 59:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 59:07Speaker 00

  I can't tell, I kinda wanna give him the benefit of the doubt, was he being funny? Or does he like have a massive?

• 59:14Matt McCusker?

  No, I think there were so many pictures.

• 59:16Speaker 00

  How many pictures? I've only seen two. And both of them look like he's being funny.

• 59:20Matt McCusker?

  I don't know, I thought he was being super funny.

• 59:22Speaker 00

  I haven't looked into it.

• 59:23Speaker 02

  Wasn't he posting them on like a dude's site? My girl told me he was posting them on a site just for doing that.

• 59:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, this guy.

• 59:31Speaker 00

  This guy's the real deal, he's not just goofing.

• 59:32Matt McCusker?

  I mean, that's high level.

• 59:34Speaker 00

  He's not taking a funny boob picture.

• 59:35Matt McCusker?

  Oh, the question you're raising, was it goof or goon? I think it was goon.

• 59:39Speaker 00

  All signs are pointing to goon.

• 59:41Matt McCusker?

  Also, I will say though, the way he positioned the balloon knots for nipples, you gotta give him cred for that. That's a master at work.

• 59:48Speaker 02

  They're calling it bimbofication.

• 59:50Matt McCusker?

  Bimbofication it is. He was late, yeah lately the internet's been like awash in crazy like fetish stuff. I, I recently came across lifters, just muscle guys that get like real horny to lift up women. Just fucking lift them up and get real.

• 1:00:04Speaker 00

  Oh, this guy was not goofing.

• 1:00:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I don't think he was goofing at all. That's a nice benefit of the doubt though.

• 1:00:10Speaker 00

  You gotta, if somebody's taking jugs pictures, you go, there's, that's gotta be goofing.

• 1:00:14Matt McCusker?

  Cause it's the pink spandex.

• 1:00:15Speaker 00

  That's exactly what did it.

• 1:00:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:17Speaker 00

  I saw the full photo where he's wearing, uh, yoga pants.

• 1:00:22Speaker 02

  Oh no.

• 1:00:23Speaker 03

  Those look like those bouncy fake tits and not just like balloons.

• 1:00:26Matt McCusker?

  They are, yeah, that's what I'm saying, he was a, I mean, to get balloons to look like that was like, damn, that's kinda, you know how many times I try to make balloons look like big fat tits? I'm goofing.

• 1:00:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was gonna say when I was a kid, if I got my hands on balloons.

• 1:00:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. But that's the thing, if you were, you know, you were on the fucking.

• 1:00:42Speaker 00

  But think of that, making you horny.

• 1:00:45Matt McCusker?

  I mean, you, that's maximum.

• 1:00:47Speaker 00

  What is that that makes you horny? Putting massive jugs and yoga pants on and taking a very serious, almost mugshot-esque photo.

• 1:00:55Matt McCusker?

  To be fair though, here's the thing, and you know, let's play devil's advocate here. Imagine if you like, you know, you're like, ah, I don't feel like, all the porn videos are kinda tapped, I've seen most of them already. You put the balloons in, you put your wife's yoga pants on.

• 1:01:09Matt McCusker?

  And then you did duck face to yourself in the mirror and all of a sudden you're like, damn, is there a babe here? Now you're with, you're with a babe, you've never been closer to a babe. So, look, I look, not my cup of tea personally, but it's one of those things you can't knock until you try it. That's all I'm saying.

• 1:01:25Speaker 00

  I'm only seeing that one photo, though. Are we sure he's not goofing?

• 1:01:28Matt McCusker?

  He's, I don't think he's goofing.

• 1:01:30Speaker 00

  He's got the nipples offset. That's goofing.

• 1:01:32Matt McCusker?

  He's probably fucking fapping himself silly. You know how hard it is to keep those things straight?

• 1:01:35Speaker 00

  True, the nipples are definitely getting knocked around from the fat.

• 1:01:41Matt McCusker?

  That is, I mean, you got it, like you were saying, that's such a tough Jones to be like, fuck, this is so hot. I can't stop doing this.

• 1:01:48Speaker 00

  It's time to take pictures.

• 1:01:50Matt McCusker?

  I mean, that's the other thing, too. It's like, why are they, I would imagine, is the left reveling in this?

• 1:01:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:58Matt McCusker?

  Why don't they just accept him as, be like, yeah, that's his kink. He was fucking-

• 1:02:02Speaker 00

  I guess because they assume he's homophobic and stuff. So, whenever that happened, you go-

• 1:02:06Matt McCusker?

  What if that's also his kink?

• 1:02:09Speaker 00

  I agree.

• 1:02:10Matt McCusker?

  Be like, you'll never, no son of mine will do the-

• 1:02:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'll do it.

• 1:02:15Speaker 00

  They hear your son's the opposite of whatever you are. I want my son to be straight as hell. I'm gonna be fucking, I'm gonna be the gayest fucking guy you've ever seen in your life.

• 1:02:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Busted, bro. And it wasn't a, I don't know, I saw somewhere in the article, there was some sort of like intelligence involved. Some intelligence received that photo, so I didn't know if that was like a hack job or, you know, that was with like an escort or something. It's crazy.

• 1:02:39Speaker 00

  I mean, I'm sure, intelligence is monitoring her shit and like his, yeah.

• 1:02:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's, yeah, if you're in high level politics, I'm sorry, you just can't get escorts. You just gotta solo bimify and just lay low.

• 1:02:54Speaker 00

  That is true. He could have been doing what was best for his family and their political career. Like, instead of getting a hooker, it would be like, I'll be my own hooker.

• 1:03:02Speaker 00

  I'm not gonna try to sully this family's good name.

• 1:03:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:04Speaker 00

  I'm gonna take a picture.

• 1:03:05Matt McCusker?

  But then he probably got so horny, he sent the picture to a hooker. It was like, fuck.

• 1:03:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:10Matt McCusker?

  I'm sorry, I tried my best. Look, I get it, man. You come off the show, you're hot. He's probably at the political rally. He was hot, goes to a quiet hotel room. We've all been there.

• 1:03:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what the fuck am I gonna do now?

• 1:03:19Speaker 00

  Make this night better?

• 1:03:20Matt McCusker?

  Bimification.

• 1:03:21Speaker 00

  Fucking nothing on TV. I'm not watching a movie with commercials.

• 1:03:25Speaker 00

  I'm gonna put balloons in my shirt and fucking whack one off.

• 1:03:30Matt McCusker?

  He's just waiting outside the party city. It's nine forty-five. He's like, sale be open. They're blowing them up. He's like, a little bigger.

• 1:03:40Matt McCusker?

  How are these, sir? He's like, yeah, they're all right. Let me see those balloon knots. Yeah, they're nice.

• 1:03:46Speaker 00

  I need a triple XL T-shirt.

• 1:03:53Matt McCusker?

  I don't know. I'm not mad at the guy personally. He got caught up. He got caught up. He was gooning. Let him live, man. Let him live. I mean, it's, you know, what is his exact position anyway?

• 1:04:03Speaker 00

  Doggy.

• 1:04:07Matt McCusker?

  He's a husband of a politician.

• 1:04:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, he's just a house husband, I guess.

• 1:04:11Matt McCusker?

  Let him fuck it. Let him cook. He's a horny house husband. What the hell?

• 1:04:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's not. He's bored all day. He's waiting for her to come home.

• 1:04:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:04:18Speaker 00

  He's trying stuff out. He's taking pills.

• 1:04:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:21Speaker 00

  You only vacuum so much. Now it's time to jack off.

• 1:04:25Matt McCusker?

  I wonder though, if that's like a weird side effect of like TRT, you're just like-

• 1:04:28Speaker 00

  I've been a horny house husband.

• 1:04:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I've been as well.

• 1:04:32Speaker 00

  Played FIFA and jacked off for like three years. Fucking crazy. I'd go to the lizard lounge once a week. I'm gonna be something in comedy. Just watch.

• 1:04:43Speaker 00

  Just playing FIFA.

• 1:04:44Matt McCusker?

  Completely spent. Three, three a days are, what are you doing the three a days, man? You feel it just completely zaps you.

• 1:04:49Speaker 00

  Three days is crazy.

• 1:04:50Matt McCusker?

  Three a days is wild.

• 1:04:51Speaker 00

  You go to bed shameful.

• 1:04:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, three a days will definitely-

• 1:04:55Speaker 00

  Me's, how many, how many of the gooner cave catch, dude? I know you were hitting two a days.

• 1:05:01Matt McCusker?

  No, no.

• 1:05:01Speaker 00

  It was spring ball in here.

• 1:05:05Speaker 03

  I've been chilling.

• 1:05:06Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 1:05:07Speaker 03

  I've been trying not to beat off as much.

• 1:05:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:09Speaker 03

  I'm at, I'm at, yeah, once every couple of days now.

• 1:05:12Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 1:05:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:13Matt McCusker?

  Respectable.

• 1:05:14Speaker 03

  Yeah. You don't believe me?

• 1:05:16Speaker 00

  No one believes you.

• 1:05:17Speaker 03

  Why not? Tell the truth.

• 1:05:21Speaker 03

  There's no, the curtains don't come down.

• 1:05:23Speaker 00

  No one's been here, bro.

• 1:05:24Matt McCusker?

  It's even better. That's why nature's out here.

• 1:05:27Speaker 00

  They're gathering around. It's like an opposite of a zoo. Animals are watching you, dude. That's how fucking dirty that room is.

• 1:05:37Speaker 03

  There was a lizard did sneak in there. I had to get it out.

• 1:05:39Matt McCusker?

  Oh, lizard got in your trash room?

• 1:05:42Speaker 03

  When it was cold.

• 1:05:42Matt McCusker?

  You're just at nighttime, you started jerking a lizard? What the hell was that?

• 1:05:48Matt McCusker?

  Why don't I feel anything? Dude, I, dude, on the way over here, I totally forgot about this. I was passing like a McDonald's. I was up north and I saw a lady, you know, classic outdoor lady whacked out on drugs, pants fully down. She was bent over, just like fingers in her butt. I think it was an itch, but it was like, she was digging so hard that I saw her head tilt back. Then I was just like, ew, fucking. I gotta turn my head forward to the road. This is, and a guy walked, like, it was just like walking by her on the street. Didn't even, he just like tunnel vision.

• 1:06:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can't.

• 1:06:21Matt McCusker?

  Walked past. I was like, God.

• 1:06:23Speaker 00

  What else can you do? I mean, turn around and go the other way.

• 1:06:26Matt McCusker?

  Turn around, go the other way.

• 1:06:28Speaker 00

  I'm not supposed to be outside today.

• 1:06:31Matt McCusker?

  I knocked that off, but then it's like.

• 1:06:33Speaker 00

  Knock that off, you're gonna risk that.

• 1:06:36Matt McCusker?

  Butt hand could come back.

• 1:06:38Speaker 00

  You risk in a butt hand slap. Worst case scenario, a little mandible claw.

• 1:06:45Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, what'd you say to me?

• 1:06:46Matt McCusker?

  That was a meaty, it was a meaty gal. It was a meaty gal too.

• 1:06:49Speaker 00

  Is it?

• 1:06:49Matt McCusker?

  It was a big meaty butt. I saw it from like three stoplights back. I said, is that a fucking giant naked butt? And I pulled up and I was like, oh, she's digging in. She's digging in. It was wild, dude. Like full hand action, bare butt. What I saw, it was full, pull the cheeks apart, red eye. And then the hand just like went, it went to work. And I was like, yo, what the?

• 1:07:13Speaker 00

  You said it was in front of Mickey D's?

• 1:07:15Matt McCusker?

  Right in front of Mickey D's. She was having it her way.

• 1:07:20Matt McCusker?

  I was on the phone with Spud and we were just chatting. I was like, dude, timeout. I just watched a lady just absolutely like claw, claw her ass. It was, it was full fingers, all fingers, butt scratch. The cheek spread was crazy. I mean, bro, imagine, imagine that. We've all been walking down the street, man, like.

• 1:07:37Speaker 00

  I'd give anything to itch my butthole right now.

• 1:07:39Matt McCusker?

  Pants down.

• 1:07:40Speaker 00

  And you go, fuck it. I got nothing else.

• 1:07:42Matt McCusker?

  Five fingernails at once. Must've been bliss.

• 1:07:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:46Matt McCusker?

  Actually, I was pause for a second. I want to go to the bathroom.

• 1:07:50Matt McCusker?

  I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go treat myself.

• 1:07:55Speaker 00

  Tommy's fiancee came over to help me clean all my stuff out, my closet. Cause I'll never do that. It's very nice of her.

• 1:08:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:01Speaker 00

  And there's so many jerseys from all the shows. They always give you a jersey with your name on it.

• 1:08:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:05Speaker 00

  Which I'll never wear. Think about giving them to all the bums. Could have like fifty bums wearing like authentic Buffalo Sabres jerseys with Gillis on the back of it.

• 1:08:14Matt McCusker?

  That's really nice.

• 1:08:15Speaker 00

  Right? Wouldn't that be sick?

• 1:08:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that'd be awesome.

• 1:08:17Speaker 00

  Cause they're nice jerseys.

• 1:08:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:18Speaker 00

  Just big baggy fucking hockey jerseys on homeless guys.

• 1:08:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, and it's perfect time, one hundred and seven degrees.

• 1:08:24Speaker 00

  Hundred and seven, they love layering up. They love layering up.

• 1:08:29Matt McCusker?

  They would literally love nothing more than a very heavy hockey jersey for a hundred and seven degrees.

• 1:08:35Speaker 00

  I think that's the move.

• 1:08:35Matt McCusker?

  I think it is too.

• 1:08:36Speaker 00

  See some guy in a T Wolves Gillis jersey, jacking off. You go, fucking right, man. Digging his ass.

• 1:08:45Matt McCusker?

  I had a homeless guy break into my car recently.

• 1:08:47Speaker 00

  What are you doing there?

• 1:08:48Matt McCusker?

  That's the question, bro. Nothing's gone. I was for real worried he beat off in my car.

• 1:08:53Speaker 00

  Probably.

• 1:08:53Matt McCusker?

  That's over. That's probably what I'm thinking about ripping out the interior. That's why I want the waterproof interior in my car.

• 1:08:59Speaker 00

  A bum broke into your car?

• 1:09:00Matt McCusker?

  It was just like the door, he goes around, he pops the handles. So my, I guess I forgot to lock my car and he just fucking, I came in.

• 1:09:07Speaker 00

  How'd you know he was in there?

• 1:09:08Matt McCusker?

  Cause all, all the shit was spilled out of my glove box. And then the center console was popped out. I was like, I'm in, I'm like, I'm a fucking animal. What the hell was that? I was like, has a bum.

• 1:09:15Speaker 00

  A bum.

• 1:09:16Matt McCusker?

  Goddamn bum was in my car. And I could smell him too. Swear to God. But the funny thing was I had just, I like ran in the morning, so I kinda stunk. And I had a moment where I was like, that might just be me.

• 1:09:25Speaker 00

  You might smell like a bum.

• 1:09:26Matt McCusker?

  But then I, then I was like, no, that's bum. But then I was smelling me too, and I was getting both smells.

• 1:09:31Speaker 00

  The bum is strong. It reminds me of, like, you know how when it rains, worms come out on the sidewalk? I always thought worms smelled like that. And then I was just like, oh, it's the rain. It's just, that's what rain smells like. I'm an idiot. But that is the same thing though, when you walk down Sixth Street in the summer.

• 1:09:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:50Speaker 00

  I bet that's just what the street smells like. But then you're like, I think that's what bums smell.

• 1:09:53Matt McCusker?

  No, it's primal, man. This was primal, man. They, there actually, I think, is a smell called like the homeless, the homeless smell bum. It's like a problem when you're trying to like reintroduce a homeless guy into society. There's a thing called the homeless smell that you have to like somehow get rid of. Cause you, you start to fucking reek. Being out in the sun all day, every day. Dude, you would smell so bad. I smelled it. It was in my car. He stunk my car up. He was in there for maybe five minutes.

• 1:10:19Speaker 00

  Stunk my car up.

• 1:10:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but if he beats, it's over. If a homeless guy.

• 1:10:24Speaker 00

  He cracked one in the CRV?

• 1:10:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, cuz I was like, I'd have to call and get it detailed, but then I'd have to tell the, I'm not gonna do that to a detail guy. We're like, yeah, just clean it up, man.

• 1:10:31Speaker 00

  Could be some bum semen in there.

• 1:10:33Matt McCusker?

  So how's a pos load?

• 1:10:34Speaker 00

  That is a very pos load.

• 1:10:35Matt McCusker?

  You got a pos load in the whip, and then it gets dry and it turns to like.

• 1:10:38Speaker 00

  Dangerous load in there.

• 1:10:39Matt McCusker?

  Turns to dust?

• 1:10:40Speaker 00

  Turns into something else. You could inhale that.

• 1:10:42Matt McCusker?

  That's what I'm saying, like asbestos.

• 1:10:43Speaker 00

  The sun mixed with it.

• 1:10:45Matt McCusker?

  Ah, fuck. Yeah, I'm worried about, I'm, I still like, I like cautiously looked around for any kind of glisten. But no, I don't think, I think he just like chilled in my car. I don't know. I'm like trying to think like, what did he take? My phone charger's still there? You think that's prime bum? I had a skateboard. You think you would take my skate? He literally took nothing out of my car.

• 1:11:01Speaker 00

  Skateboard would be sick.

• 1:11:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:03Speaker 00

  You'd be a cool ass bum.

• 1:11:04Matt McCusker?

  I have one of those things where you can emergency break the glass. Dude, I don't know. I, I got bugged out on the, uh, thought of like my car submerged.

• 1:11:10Speaker 00

  I got one of those.

• 1:11:11Matt McCusker?

  You have one?

• 1:11:12Speaker 00

  I had one.

• 1:11:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:13Speaker 00

  I was very excited about it.

• 1:11:14Matt McCusker?

  I ordered it off Amazon.

• 1:11:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:15Matt McCusker?

  Do you, so do you know the protocol for if your car, if you get submerged in water, how to get out?

• 1:11:18Speaker 00

  Lower the windows a little to let some water in or some shit.

• 1:11:22Matt McCusker?

  Dead.

• 1:11:23Speaker 00

  No chance I'm dead, dude.

• 1:11:24Matt McCusker?

  You're dead.

• 1:11:25Speaker 00

  No chance.

• 1:11:26Matt McCusker?

  Lower the windows. You're, that's crazy.

• 1:11:28Speaker 00

  Crack the windows a little.

• 1:11:29Matt McCusker?

  No, no, no, no, no. It's SWAC protocol, bro. Seatbelts immediately off.

• 1:11:33Speaker 00

  Well, of course you take your seatbelt off.

• 1:11:34Matt McCusker?

  Rear window, cuz you know why? The motor brings the car down, so your nose is gonna start sinking first. And they're designed so that the back windows are gonna float, and you think you can kick it out. Guess again, you have to have your tool. You gotta punch it, and then you start getting the kids out, and then you get out, and that's, that's it. Then you have to like swim with your kids after getting the car accident in the water. And I think you die, honestly.

• 1:11:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, you die.

• 1:11:56Matt McCusker?

  Cuz there, well, there was a thing go, I, I get Cura emails all the time and I just read them. I read every single one.

• 1:12:00Speaker 00

  What's Cura?

• 1:12:01Matt McCusker?

  Cura is like a, um, I think it was like pre-Facebook. It's now, it's just boomers get spammed with like shit that kinda makes them kinda like clickbait. But here, you can ask questions. It's like Ask Jeeves, but you have people be like, was Jesus?

• 1:12:15Speaker 00

  I know Cura, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:12:15Matt McCusker?

  Was Jesus really Jewish? And then like boomers just fight each other for like nine million comments. Like, that was the one, the guy was like, if you ever get into, if you fall into water, this is what you do. And apparently, I looked it up and it was like, no, that's actually the worst possible thing you can do. So it's just, there's a thing that goes around that just get people to click it. So I looked up the real protocol. I got so bugged out on it that I ordered like three of those glass smashers.

• 1:12:39Speaker 00

  That's nice.

• 1:12:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, cuz they were like, you gotta find a window, kick it out. And I looked it up. Or they said, no, they said, take the headrest off your seats and then hit the rear window cuz that'll still be floating.

• 1:12:47Speaker 00

  Who's telling me to crack the windows a little? Has anyone else heard this rumor?

• 1:12:52Matt McCusker?

  A little bit though? Why would you, then the water's just gonna start rushing.

• 1:12:55Speaker 04

  I think it's easier to break if it's not. That's what I assumed is like, if it's not sealed, you could kinda crack it a little bit easier.

• 1:13:02Matt McCusker?

  But you have 30 seconds, bro. You've, your car has like, they say like a minute to 30 seconds.

• 1:13:06Speaker 00

  It's easier to open the door or something? Who knows?

• 1:13:09Matt McCusker?

  You're gonna get rushed, we're gonna flood, you're gonna sink, that your whole family's gonna die.

• 1:13:12Speaker 00

  I'm fucking hold my breath, dude, I don't have a family.

• 1:13:16Speaker 00

  Also, you go, hey.

• 1:13:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:19Speaker 00

  Fresh start.

• 1:13:22Matt McCusker?

  We're all together, guys.

• 1:13:25Speaker 00

  One of the producers, look up that crack the window thing, dude. I gotta find out why.

• 1:13:28Matt McCusker?

  Look up SWOC protocol, cuz I could be, I could get wrong.

• 1:13:32Speaker 00

  No, I believe, I believe the proto, your protocol sounds exactly right.

• 1:13:34Matt McCusker?

  SWOC protocol.

• 1:13:35Speaker 00

  I'm just wondering why I have this urban myth.

• 1:13:37Matt McCusker?

  I don't know, that's, I was, dude, I was like really bugging out on this. Let's look up how exactly, the thing that, that was kinda cool is that.

• 1:13:43Speaker 00

  Look at the dopers racing to the internet.

• 1:13:45Matt McCusker?

  True. SWOC, SWOC protocol. Can you look up cracking the window cuz I do wanna make sure.

• 1:13:51Speaker 00

  Who's lying to me?

• 1:13:53Matt McCusker?

  There's a lot of bad information going around.

• 1:13:54Speaker 03

  AI says if your car is sinking, you immediately try to open or roll down the windows before water fills the car. If the windows won't open, use a dedicated window breaker tool. So it's to get the windows.

• 1:14:04Matt McCusker?

  Okay, so maybe that is first line of defense. Roll them down. But doesn't, doesn't water rush into your car then?

• 1:14:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, but then you can open your door easier.

• 1:14:12Matt McCusker?

  Ah.

• 1:14:13Speaker 00

  I guess.

• 1:14:13Matt McCusker?

  No, but you can't open your door cuz the water pressure's so heavy, it's like.

• 1:14:17Speaker 00

  But there won't be water pressure if your window's down.

• 1:14:19Matt McCusker?

  To crack the winder.

• 1:14:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:21Matt McCusker?

  Interesting.

• 1:14:23Matt McCusker?

  I don't know.

• 1:14:24Speaker 00

  I'm just not gonna do it.

• 1:14:25Matt McCusker?

  Just don't die. Let's go down.

• 1:14:27Speaker 00

  I'm just not gonna die.

• 1:14:29Speaker 00

  I'll just.

• 1:14:30Matt McCusker?

  Hold your breath.

• 1:14:33Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, so, well, we'll see. We should test it. I think Mythbusters did an episode on this, by the way. So, if you're interested.

• 1:14:41Speaker 00

  Check that out.

• 1:14:41Matt McCusker?

  Check out MB. Check out MB.

• 1:14:45Speaker 00

  Damn, Patreon's gonna rip.

• 1:14:46Matt McCusker?

  Patreon's gonna fucking slash.

• 1:14:48Speaker 00

  Patreon's gonna go nuts.

• 1:14:49Matt McCusker?

  It's gonna slash. We're gonna conquer the wasp nest.

• 1:14:51Speaker 00

  We should do that in between.

• 1:14:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, let's go conquer that and come back.

• 1:14:54Speaker 00

  All right. Goodbye, everybody.

• 1:14:56Matt McCusker?

  Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.

• 1:15:00Speaker 00

  Do it.