189 Matthew Hussey on the Secret to Attracting Your Dream Relationship

"It's not enough to have confidence in life. You have to have competence." - Matthew Hussey If you enjoyed this episode, check out show notes, video, and more at lewishowes.com/189. Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 189 with New York Times bestselling author Matt Hussey.

• 0:07Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:33Lewis Howes?

  Welcome everyone to the episode today. Very excited about our guest. Matt Hussey has become a good friend. Over the last couple of months here, we've connected in Los Angeles. And the more and more I learn about this guy, the more I learn to love him and all of the stuff that he does. Now, Matt Hussey, this guy is a charmer and a charmer in a good sense of the word because he is a wealth of information. He is an incredible speaker, a New York Times bestselling author, columnist for Cosmo Magazine, and a dating expert on The Today Show. He's on The Today Show like every week. He also runs programs all across the world, helping thousands of men and women reach their true performance potential.

• 1:15Lewis Howes?

  He's worked with celebrities like Christina Aguilera, companies like Hugo Boss, Procter & Gamble, and over 50,000 women, I think it's probably like 100,000 now, but over 50,000 women have attended his live events. And he's reached over 10 million people online. He, you know, is a young guy, but has a wealth of information and a wealth of experience. So it's like I go and watch some of his videos and he's speaking to women about relationships. But it's like I learn about relationships with myself, with business partners, with my team. I learn about, you know, my business and just psychology and just everything.

• 1:55Lewis Howes?

  It's not just about helping women find the man of their dreams, although that's what he teaches. But he also teaches so much more. And I found this interview to be fascinating, a lot of fun, intimate.

• 2:10Lewis Howes?

  And really connected. So I hope you get a lot out of this interview and make sure to check out the show notes back at lewishouse.com/189 as you're going to get the full video interview that we did here in the studio in School of Greatness. Also some extra tips that Matt talks about that you're going to make sure you can only see on the the bonus page at lewishouse.com/189. So make sure to check that out after this. And yeah, let's go ahead and dive in right now with the one and only Matt Hussey. Welcome back to the School of Greatness, everyone. Thank you so much for tuning in today. We've got a new friend on, Matthew Hussey. What's up, brother?

• 2:50Matthew Hussey?

  Hello.

• 2:50Lewis Howes?

  Good to see you, man.

• 2:51Matthew Hussey?

  Hi, thanks for having me.

• 2:52Lewis Howes?

  I'm excited about this.

• 2:53Matthew Hussey?

  I am too, actually. Yeah, you've you've interviewed some big people, so I feel very honored to be here.

• 2:59Lewis Howes?

  Well, you're another one of the big people. So I first heard about you because we connected a few weeks ago and talked about this, but I first heard about you because you were on a show called Ready for Love. And I was being aggressively recruited to be one of the quote unquote bachelors on the show as well. And I remember having been so torn about this because the the producers and the casting directors were like, Eva Longoria wants you. This is going to be a huge show. It's going to be bigger than The Bachelor. And I was so torn because I was like, this could be great for my business, but I don't want to be that guy who was a bachelor type, because none of those guys have done anything in their career afterwards, except for maybe one or two have like, kind of done well. And I remember

• 3:43Lewis Howes?

  watching the show when it came out, because it was just promoted everywhere, buses, planes, you know, everywhere you could go, it was just promoted. And I was like, who is this guy? You were the only guy on the show who's coaching these women. There was two other like, relationship coaches, right?

• 3:59Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 4:00Lewis Howes?

  And I remember thinking to myself, and this could be big, but then after the third episode, it it went under and they stopped it.

• 4:07Matthew Hussey?

  Yep.

• 4:08Lewis Howes?

  And I was like, thank God I didn't have to make a decision to do like, the next the next season.

• 4:12Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 4:14Lewis Howes?

  Man, that was a, that was a heartbreak for you because he did so much time and energy in building this, you know?

• 4:19Matthew Hussey?

  It was, it was, it was a, it was a very grueling year doing that show and it was kind of a, it was an example of something that, you know, I feel like in life, there are things that you invest time in that you know will pay off tomorrow.

• 4:36Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 4:36Matthew Hussey?

  Or tonight, or whatever, you know, whatever that project is, sometimes it's writing an essay and you know, by writing it, you'll be able to hand it in tomorrow, or it's making a sales call and you know that you'll get commissioned by next week. This was like, uh, it was like buying a lottery ticket, but then investing a year into that lottery ticket and hoping that it was going to be a winner.

• 5:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 5:00Matthew Hussey?

  And it turned out to be a, it certainly wasn't wasted investment because a lot of interesting opportunities have come off the back of that, you know, there, there, a lot has happened for me as a result of the exposure that that show gave me. Interestingly, not necessarily to a mass audience because a mass audience never watched it, right?

• 5:18Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 5:19Matthew Hussey?

  But it gave me exposure to certain key decision makers who watched me perform in that environment and as a result saw that I was capable of handling a show like that.

• 5:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 5:32Matthew Hussey?

  So a lot has come to me, but at the same time.

• 5:35Lewis Howes?

  Today's show has come from that.

• 5:35Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, you know, I'm now.

• 5:37Lewis Howes?

  I heart radio.

• 5:38Matthew Hussey?

  Exactly. I'm a regular on the, I'm a resident expert on the Today Show. I have my own radio show now and you know, there's, there's lots of good things, but at the same time, still you, you know, every now and again, you think, God, that, that could have been huge, but.

• 5:52Lewis Howes?

  Yes, huge. Cause it was on ABC, right?

• 5:54Matthew Hussey?

  It was on NBC, but it was prime time. I mean, it was, it was a big, big show. They spent millions and tens of millions of dollars. I think the budget I was, I heard somewhere was 50 million for the show, there or there abouts. So it's, it is crazy, but you know, that's kind of life. I, I have a friend, a friend of mine is a director here in, in LA and he said, you really had the full Hollywood experience from start to finish. You auditioned, you got a show. You got chewed up like everything happened for you. So that, you know, that's kind of in a way that's kind of fun.

• 6:30Lewis Howes?

  Except for the huge success of it.

• 6:32Matthew Hussey?

  Exactly. But you know what? That's the part you can do. Well, if you're in a business like ours where you get to invest in yourself and you don't have to wait for people to give you opportunities, then you don't really need the show for that. The show just becomes that catalyst.

• 6:48Lewis Howes?

  And this is where I remember I do research on pretty much everyone because I'm always interested in seeing what people are doing, how they're doing it. And then I reverse engineer what they're doing and see if I can apply it to my business. It doesn't matter if you're in the dating space or the sports or the fitness space.

• 7:01Matthew Hussey?

  Right.

• 7:01Lewis Howes?

  How can I apply something to my business and to my vision? And I remember researching you and the other two women. I don't even remember who these other women are. But I remember Googling your name and seeing your website and saying, ah, this guy is smart. Because you had built the back end, getting ready for the amount of traffic that it was going to come to you. Unfortunately, it didn't probably come as much as you wanted, but you built an engine and a system.

• 7:27Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 7:27Lewis Howes?

  And this content with the foundation that the other two didn't have.

• 7:32Matthew Hussey?

  Yes, and we'd been building that for several years. So there's certain things that you can't just do overnight.

• 7:39Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 7:39Matthew Hussey?

  Right. And it took time. And luckily, because we'd already invested time in that, we were in a different position to benefit than than the others were. Now, you know, the interesting thing is someone, I remember once wanting to go on holiday and one of my mentors, I said to one of my mentors, I can't go. I don't have enough time, you know. And he said, then you're a slave because you is seven days. And he said, at the end of the day, those seven days that you have to build the systems in order to get will be worth it just to get you to build the systems.

• 8:17Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 8:18Matthew Hussey?

  And, you know, I kind of think of the show a bit like that, that the show forced me to be ready for something that never actually happened.

• 8:27Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 8:27Matthew Hussey?

  But by getting ready, my business is now stronger than it has ever been. So, you know, even that is self. Is kind of a blessing. Yeah.

• 8:35Lewis Howes?

  And I read online, correct me if I'm wrong, that you've over 50,000 women have attended your live events. Is that?

• 8:41Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, you know, that number's now out of date. It's now closer to 100,000. So, yeah.

• 8:46Lewis Howes?

  So you do live events all over the world or how is it?

• 8:49Matthew Hussey?

  We, we started in London and, and those grew and grew and we started doing them a couple of different places in Europe, but mostly the UK.

• 8:56Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 8:57Matthew Hussey?

  And then it was my dream to do a seminar in America. Truthfully, it was my dream to come to America. Uh, I, I, you know, I've, I had since, I think 13 years old, I really wanted to live here.

• 9:10Lewis Howes?

  Have you ever visited?

• 9:11Matthew Hussey?

  Um, I had visited, this, this is the funny, I'm embarrassed about this now, but when I was, when I was that age, 12, 13, my parents brought me to America for the first time and took me to Florida. And I remember. Yeah, exactly. The whole, the whole, the whole thing. And I remember it was the first time I'd ever been somewhere where someone said, you know, at the end of a phone call, like, have a great day, or someone actually spoke to you. And I, I just remember, and of course, at the ti- at the time, you know, I've didn't put two and two together that I'm in Disney World. Everyone's trying to get a tip. Everyone's being paid to be super nice and tell you to have a magical day, whatever. But, but it did so.

• 9:49Lewis Howes?

  That's kind of like that in a lot of places.

• 9:51Matthew Hussey?

  It is, it is. And it did something to me because I, it was so different from what I'd grown up with in London.

• 9:58Lewis Howes?

  England is not like that. It's the opposite.

• 10:00Matthew Hussey?

  The complete opposite. And, and I thought, this is more what I want. Okay. You know, I was, I, I knew enough to know that there was a slightly contrived element to it where I was, but at the same time, I thought, I prefer this. I, I, you know, people sometimes say that about LA, like it's so fake, the way everyone's so nice to each other and blah, blah. Well, I don't mind that. Like, even, you know, if their little bit of fakeness means that they're just a bit more polite when I first say hello to them or something, I'm sort of okay with that. And, uh, and so I, I kind of had this childish view of moving to America and everything being, you know, Disneyland. And then interestingly, the older I got, that never really changed.

• 10:43Matthew Hussey?

  Even when I traveled more of America and saw a real side of America and you know what America is in different states because there are so many different Americas, right?

• 10:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course.

• 10:52Matthew Hussey?

  But I I still somehow felt more at home here than I did back there. And I still love, I love England and I love where I'm from, but it's something about living here suits me better.

• 11:04Lewis Howes?

  I used to date a girl who was.

• 11:06Matthew Hussey?

  So to answer your question, sorry, I I started to bring seminars here just because I wanted to be here, not because I thought it was a terrifically good idea. I didn't, I didn't necessarily think I'm now going to make it in America. I just thought, let me just, if I come on a seminar for five people in New York or something, at least I can say I'm going to America for work. And you know, it's different. When, when you get to say I'm going for work, you somehow, somehow you feel important and special. And, and I, I, I lost money, I think. The weekend I did it, I lost money. I spent more on my plane ticket, I think, than I made in seminar, seminar tickets, but it just, it meant something special to me to do it.

• 11:44Lewis Howes?

  So now you've done a hundred thousand women who have come to your live events and they, they're all smaller events? Are they bigger events? So how do those work?

• 11:52Matthew Hussey?

  There, there are, there are different. So we have these one day dating events that I do for my organization, Get the Guy. So we, we coach women in their love lives.

• 12:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 12:03Matthew Hussey?

  How to find, attract and keep the guy they want. And the one day event that we do is kind of a, is kind of a show, like it's a big, it's a big event. We have anywhere from, the smallest one we do is probably 300, but that's where we go to like a small state that, you know, we're, we're a, a small city, I should say, where we're bringing people that are just getting to know us. But you know, when we do New York or LA or London, we're talking 1500 people in a room.

• 12:30Lewis Howes?

  It's amazing. It's a full day.

• 12:31Matthew Hussey?

  That's a full day. That's a long day. And then, but people are on their feet, they're moving around, they, they get used to the energy.

• 12:38Lewis Howes?

  Is it all women?

• 12:39Matthew Hussey?

  All women.

• 12:40Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 12:41Matthew Hussey?

  And then we do five day retreats where it's a bit smaller, it's more intimate, it's about 250 people. And there we do a more immersive program.

• 12:49Lewis Howes?

  Of course, yeah. And you know, it's interesting because there's not too many people. In the relationship online dating advice space that I want to hang out with because there's so many guys out there who just leave a bad taste in your mouth.

• 13:02Matthew Hussey?

  But don't you feel like that about self-help in general?

• 13:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, maybe. Yeah.

• 13:06Matthew Hussey?

  I sort of do. I've learnt to hate it.

• 13:08Lewis Howes?

  Maybe people say that about me too, right? Like, oh, who is this guy preaching something? But I, you know, but I just feel like I've got a bad taste in my mouth, especially being in LA. Cause I've met a bunch of guys who have sleazy courses and they do the online marketing thing, in my opinion, in a way that isn't of the highest integrity. Now, I'm not saying I'm always, you know, I'm the most perfect person in the world with everything I do because I know I make mistakes. But when you're intentionally doing something that's like, I don't know, it's just got a bad taste in my mouth. And then the dating space, for some reason, a lot of the marketers. And I remember, and I remember seeing your stuff the first time and thinking, oh, this guy's doing it right.

• 13:49Lewis Howes?

  But I don't know if I trust him yet. And someone introduced us via email and I was kind of like, yeah, I don't know if I want to meet this guy. Because honestly, the dating space, whatever. But then he was like, you know, he's actually a really good guy. You're going to love his stuff. And then when I met you, I was like, oh, I get it. Now I know why a hundred thousand women come to your stuff. Now I know where you're at today, all the time. Now I know why you're getting the results. And then I was like, let me watch some of these videos. And I'm going to link up a bunch of your videos here in the show notes for people, but I started watching your videos and I was like, wow, okay. It makes a lot of sense because you're doing it with integrity and you actually have a lot of sound advice and wisdom for women. And I see you're helping a lot of millions of people you're helping. And the cool thing about you is, you know,

• 14:33Lewis Howes?

  I was actually listening to a video last night for like an hour of you like, it was like the three dating advice tips or something of you speaking in a seminar, answering questions, right? And I remember just hearing your answers. All these women would say, well, what if, um, you know, with a guy and the flames out? Or what if I'm excited and he was excited and then he starts not responding and you were answering questions? And I was like, they're all so logical.

• 14:56Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 14:57Lewis Howes?

  And sound. It's not like this sleazy weird things. It's like, well, think about it. If you were in this position, how would you respond? And this and this and this. And it was like, man, you're giving great advice. And now I know why so many people are attracted to the information that you're putting out there.

• 15:11Matthew Hussey?

  Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate that. I, I, I think that too much advice either strays into the. Either the aphoristic side of things is very, very cliche. I mean, this is what I think one of the big problems I have with the self-help industry in general is it, it, it, it has, it's become so platitude-ness. It's just, it, to the extent that it becomes mind-numbing. And, and to some extent, I, the crowd that it begins to attract, I don't like or have anything in common with. Right. Uh, you know, when someone comes up to me at the end of a seminar and says, you

• 15:53Matthew Hussey?

  know, I love your stuff, you know, it's, it's, um, you know, I'm a big law of attraction fan, I know immediately we have nothing in common. Right. Um, I, I think, wow, I don't, I don't even know how you like my stuff. Right. Um, because I, I, I can't stand these concepts and, and this pseudoscience that is often put out there. For me, I'm all about the logical, I'm all about the, the practical and I like things that can be tested. I like, and I think that's why people like Tim Ferriss perhaps have done so well because they, in, in a market that is full of just vague, silly advice. Yes. Um, you know, I hear people in their, you know, say to women in their love lives, just open your heart. And you think, what do you mean by that?

• 16:38Matthew Hussey?

  Like, what does she do today that's different based on that piece of advice? Just like be yourself. Um, you know, be yourself is, is extraordinarily lazy advice. Right. It's the advice people give when they don't know an actual solution. Because what do you, you just be yourself? What does that even mean? You know, and by the way, be yourself is often just a euphemism for don't grow. Right. Right? How many people are the same person today they were five years ago? No one. No one. And who's going to be the same today, uh, uh, tomorrow as they are today? People change and they evolve. So be yourself is a very strange, uh, uh, and lazy piece of advice to give someone. But that's what we get all the time.

• 17:22Matthew Hussey?

  So advice either goes into the, to the kind of vague or it ends up going. Into um, sometimes the sleazier or more sarcastic elements. Uh, you know, I sometimes think at the other end of the spectrum, sometimes you have the comedian. You know, the, the guy who is just, everything's a joke, everything's sarcastic. This very cynical, oh, you can't change anything, blah, blah, blah, learn to deal with it. And, and that gets too much the other way. Then, then someone essentially just becomes a cynic. And for me, what I try and base my advice on is this um, nice balance of realism.

• 18:02Matthew Hussey?

  And, and um, I wouldn't even say optimism, just the, the being empowered to actually do something about real life. However, that stands.

• 18:12Lewis Howes?

  So what I'm curious about is how uh, why is it you have the credibility to give so many women advice? Uh, you're only twenty seven, right?

• 18:19Matthew Hussey?

  Hmm.

• 18:20Lewis Howes?

  And why should they listen to you when, you know, you're a man?

• 18:25Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 18:25Lewis Howes?

  Should they even trust you? Uh, you know, you're not married, right?

• 18:28Matthew Hussey?

  No, no.

• 18:29Lewis Howes?

  And you're currently single, I believe, right?

• 18:31Matthew Hussey?

  Single.

• 18:32Lewis Howes?

  So why should they believe what you're saying has?

• 18:35Matthew Hussey?

  Well.

• 18:36Lewis Howes?

  Validity.

• 18:36Matthew Hussey?

  Um, firstly, that you're, you're right in the sense that being a man gives me no extra credibility whatsoever. I, I, I always cringe when a journalist says to me, well, this is so great because you're a guy. So you can give them insight into guys. I think what a stupid argument that is. It's like saying you're a woman, so you know all women.

• 18:55Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 18:56Matthew Hussey?

  Why how many women are exactly the same?

• 18:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:58Matthew Hussey?

  You know, how many women do you get in a room and they agree on everything? The, the, the same is true of men. I'm not, I don't, I'm not here to speak on behalf of all men.

• 19:06Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 19:06Matthew Hussey?

  Um, I might be here to relay a message that I constantly get from men. Or something that I observe with an enormous number of men. I mean, I, I say to women, I only started working with women, A, because they asked me to. I, I didn't, uh, when, when I was a coaching guy, I coached nearly ten thousand guys. And women were saying, when are you going to do the same thing for us? And I, I said, I don't know because I don't really know you.

• 19:29Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 19:29Matthew Hussey?

  Uh, I know men, uh, cause I've, not because I'm a guy, but because I've just coached ten thousand of them over the last three years. I said, so I have something to say about men. I said, but I don't know you. And they said, don't worry, we don't want to know more about us. We know, we want to know about men.

• 19:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 19:43Matthew Hussey?

  So I said, well, that I can do. And I started, I sat down and I, I started talking about some things that were, that felt obvious to me based on what I'd learnt from men. But weren't obvious to them.

• 19:53Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 19:53Matthew Hussey?

  You know, a, a very simple thing would be. That there were so many women out there that were saying, well, I want a guy who has the balls to make a move on me, right? And if he's interested, he's already coming over to me. And there were certain, there were massive dating books out there for women that would say this, like, if he's not coming over to you, don't bother going up to him, because if he wanted to be there, he would be. This defied everything that I'd ever seen, not just from every man I'd ever coached, but from growing up around men and what, and even for myself, this is an area where my personal experience does relate to that lesson. I was terrified. Terrified.

• 20:34Matthew Hussey?

  Terrified. The idea of walking up to a woman and saying, I like you, or I think you're cute. I got brought up by my mom to be a gentleman, right? That, that was, I was brought up to, you know, buy flowers, buy the meal, don't, don't ever let her pay, don't ever let her carry her bag, open her door. So at school, as a teenager, I got mauled by women for, for being that way, you know, I got, I got walked all over. They liked me. They thought I was a nice guy, but I was the one holding their bag while they got with that guy. Right. So it, it didn't, it didn't translate. And I knew as a guy, as a teenager, something wasn't clicking. And something about what I'd been taught about attraction by my mom,

• 21:19Matthew Hussey?

  who taught me to treat every woman like a princess. Yeah. Something about that advice wasn't translating and wasn't working. Now, I, then when I started hearing from these books written for women, if he's, if he likes you, he's already talking to you. I, I looked at that and I thought, God, you know what? I'm not, I'm not a loser. I'm not someone who's got everything going wrong in their life and is like, you know, oh, that's why he hasn't got the confidence. No, I was like a guy who had some great things going for him. And yet still, I would look over there and go, no way. Yeah. I'm not doing anything. It's scary, man. Terrifying. So, so, you know, I, I started to say to women, listen, firstly, guys, even, even the guys you want are nervous about coming over to you.

• 22:04Matthew Hussey?

  So you might have to do a little more to make this a possibility.

• 22:08Lewis Howes?

  To make them feel good about themselves, comfortable to come over.

• 22:12Matthew Hussey?

  And women will say, well, no, that's not true, Matt, because, you know, there are, there are these guys who always hit on me when I go out. Yeah, but it's the same 5% every time.

• 22:19Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 22:20Matthew Hussey?

  All right, there's, there's five to 10% of guys who will hit on everybody who walks in the room.

• 22:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 22:23Matthew Hussey?

  Right, but that's not representative of.

• 22:25Lewis Howes?

  And they're not getting the girls.

• 22:27Matthew Hussey?

  Right, very often they're not, they're not. There's a, there's a percentage of those who are like players who are good at it.

• 22:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 22:33Matthew Hussey?

  Who know how to do it.

• 22:34Lewis Howes?

  Just play the game, yeah.

• 22:35Matthew Hussey?

  Actually, most guys aren't in that mode. Most guys aren't good at doing that. And, and actually don't wish to do that because they don't want to be sleazy and they don't want to seem like that guy. So I started saying, women, you might have to do a little bit more. And don't assume, because in a seminar, any woman who comes to my seminar will see this. I'll say, put your hand up if at some point or another, you've said or thought, well, if he doesn't have the balls to come and approach me, I don't think he's my type of guy anyway. And like 90% of the hands go up. So I say, here's the thing, as a guy, you, when you live in a city, you probably see 30 women a day that you're attracted to, right?

• 23:14Lewis Howes?

  You can't go up to every one of them.

• 23:16Matthew Hussey?

  You can't go up to every one of them, nor would you wish to, nor is it convenient to. And sometimes you just see a woman standing with her friend and you're like, oh, do I really want to go and approach her in front of her friend? And have the possibility that she's got a boyfriend and I'm gonna have to walk away with my.

• 23:30Lewis Howes?

  When you get rejected, you don't want to go do it again.

• 23:31Matthew Hussey?

  It's horrible.

• 23:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 23:32Matthew Hussey?

  So, so I would like, I would say to them, if out of those 30 women that a guy sees in a day, he's going to approach the one that makes it slightly easier for him to approach her than the other 29.

• 23:45Lewis Howes?

  The one that says, it's okay for you to talk to me.

• 23:48Matthew Hussey?

  Correct. However, she chooses to do that. And that doesn't mean you making some big grand move. It just means, I, I call it, you know, I call it dropping the handkerchief. When, when you, you know, women who say, I'm old fashioned, I don't make the first move. I always say, then you're not old fashioned. Because 100 years ago, a woman would walk past a guy, drop her handkerchief and keep walking. The guy would see it, he'd say, this is an extraordinary opportunity to be a man.

• 24:10Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 24:10Matthew Hussey?

  He'd pick up the handkerchief.

• 24:11Lewis Howes?

  Rescue the girl.

• 24:12Matthew Hussey?

  Walk it over to her and say, madam, you dropped this. And she'd say. Did I? And they now have a conversation. Now, he thought it was his idea.

• 24:19Lewis Howes?

  Yes, and she was clumsy.

• 24:20Matthew Hussey?

  She chose him. So I say to women, listen, this isn't about reversing roles here and you suddenly doing the guy's job. It's about you doing what women have always done and dropping the handkerchief. You just need to know how to do it in 2015.

• 24:34Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 24:35Matthew Hussey?

  Um, so, so that's.

• 24:36Lewis Howes?

  So what are some ways to do it? What are two, two or three ways that a woman could do this? To create an opportunity for a conversation to happen.

• 24:45Matthew Hussey?

  Right. So one, one of them is really, really simple. Um, there was a, there was actually a book written, um, by a guy called, I think, Richard Wiseman. It was called 59 Seconds. But one of the studies in the book, um, that wasn't done by him, it was done by, I think, Jeffer and Landy, was about, um, the psychology of favors. And what they found, uh, years ago, when they did this study, they were looking for the obvious, right? If I do you a favor, you'll like me more.

• 25:10Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 25:10Matthew Hussey?

  Uh, what they actually found was if I do you a favor, I'll like you more. Because we like people that were able to help in some small way. The only caveat was that the favor couldn't be something that was difficult to perform. If you ask me something that's difficult, I could get annoyed, right? And frustrated. If you ask me something that's easy for me to do and I get to help you in some way, I actually end up liking you more. So the, the psychology, when done in the direction of woman, uh, man to woman, is much more powerful because men have these two instincts, provide and protect. So now when a woman comes up and asks for a favor, he immediately gets to, gets to cater to those two male instincts that make him feel important.

• 25:55Matthew Hussey?

  So, uh, the, the advice goes like this. If you walk up to a guy and you say, uh, use this one first line and it will work time and time again. You say, um, I could really use your help with something. That one line is gonna have nine out of 10 guys immediately receptive to whatever you say next.

• 26:17Lewis Howes?

  Provide and protect.

• 26:18Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, anything. Tell me how I can feel important right now. So I could really use your help with something now.

• 26:23Lewis Howes?

  It could be answering a question, it could be.

• 26:25Matthew Hussey?

  Right, directions, but let's say you're in a bar and you say, could you hold my jacket for two seconds while I give these drinks to my friends? I'm running out of hands here.

• 26:34Lewis Howes?

  Smart.

• 26:35Matthew Hussey?

  You then take your drinks, you give them to your friends, you come back, you take your jacket and you say, thank you so much. You're a gentleman. How's your evening going anyway? Now, the beauty of this is rather than having to go up to him randomly and saying, how's your evening going? Which makes it feel like you've really chosen him. In this example, he's doing you the favor. You're just politely asking how his evening is going after he's already done the favor for you. So that's an easy way for women to drop the handkerchief in any environment and never have, they'd never have to risk rejection with that because there's nothing for him to reject. It's just a simple favor.

• 27:12Lewis Howes?

  Wow. Okay. So that's number one. So that's maybe one more way.

• 27:15Matthew Hussey?

  That's number one. Um, let's think of a, let's think of a good one here.

• 27:22Matthew Hussey?

  This, this kind of goes alongside it. I mean, uh, you could ask a guy's opinion, for example, you could say, you know, no, in fact, here's a good one. When you're with your friends and you see a group of guys, simply walk up to them and say, we're trying to guess what people's jobs are by what they're wearing.

• 27:40Lewis Howes?

  Oh, that's cool.

• 27:41Matthew Hussey?

  And then start guessing. Everyone loves this game because you, you have fun guess, you could, and again, you can, you can start in a funny way and say, you're a spy.

• 27:51Matthew Hussey?

  But whatever it is, play with it a little. But then the nice thing is they, they immediately know how to carry on that conversation because they're going to do it back.

• 27:58Lewis Howes?

  Now, for, for guys who are experiencing this and they see a woman who creates an opportunity to talk to them. And now it's their responsibility to kind of continue the conversation, right? And to show that, okay, now I am interested.

• 28:11Matthew Hussey?

  So this is a really important part. This is really important because there, there is a mistake people make here. And I realized this early on because I, I was giving women this way to go and be proactive with guys in a way that they hadn't been before. But they were making the mistake of staying in there too long.

• 28:30Lewis Howes?

  Oh, right. So don't stick around.

• 28:32Matthew Hussey?

  No, no, no. There, there's a, think of it this way. In order to give someone the opportunity to hit on you in the first place, you need to close the gap. So when a woman goes in and says, I mean, there's another one I'll give you. If you're, you know, this one's, always pay attention to what's going on around you. And if nothing else, say the obvious. So you could be in a bar, you know, lining up for a drink. And you say to the guy next to you, oh, my God, it's so busy in here. Right, that's it. By the way, you're not saying it's so busy in here. You're saying it's okay for you to talk to me. That's really what you're saying. So in that moment, again, if you wanted to make it more flirtatious, you'd say, oh, my God, it's so busy in here. It's you with your big shoulders, move. And then you'd push him.

• 29:15Matthew Hussey?

  And then you immediately are going to have some great tension. He's going to feel mad. But the, the key thing is don't then stay in there. I was in LA recently.

• 29:26Matthew Hussey?

  And there were, I was with two buddies and three women came over and started talking to us. Now, I can't fault that because that's why I help people to do that. I, I think it's important. I think they did the right thing. But what they, what they could have changed is when they came over to speak to us, they stood facing us with their feet pointed towards us in a circle. And then there was no sign of them leaving ever.

• 29:51Lewis Howes?

  They were just committed to be there.

• 29:52Matthew Hussey?

  Someone's body language says, I'm not going anywhere. And it immediately makes you nervous because you sort of think, oh, you're like, how am I going to get out of this situation?

• 30:02Lewis Howes?

  Interested in them, right? You don't want to be in it.

• 30:03Matthew Hussey?

  And a woman knows this feeling much better than a man. Because when a woman is approached by a guy, she can't even concentrate on whether she's attracted to him. If he's too much in her space to begin with. He needs to give her space to observe him and decide she's attracted to him before he keeps just going and going and going. So these women would have been better off to maybe a minute in, just turn and talk to each other again. They don't have to go to the other side of the room and make things difficult, but just turn and talk to each other. Or God forbid, there's another person there that they turn to and ask something of. What they've done is closed the gap, but then recreated space.

• 30:44Matthew Hussey?

  So the second step of recreating space is very, very important because when they recreate space. It gives us a chance to observe them, a chance to miss them. And a chance to think, oh, how do we get them back over here? So now, when we go over there and say, by the way, I was thinking about what you said just now. And keep talking. For them, it's like, ah, okay, that's like, now they've made a move. Now, now they've chosen to be in the situation. Instead of us just choosing to be there and never knowing if they were really attracted.

• 31:17Lewis Howes?

  And that's what needs to happen for women is they need to feel chosen as well.

• 31:21Matthew Hussey?

  Correct, correct. So it's kind of like you, you're choosing him to begin with so that you're not just randomly choosing from the pool of guys that are brave enough or obnoxious enough to run up to you. But at the same time, you're not, you're giving it space so that he can choose you and you can be confident in that process.

• 31:40Lewis Howes?

  And then from there, there's a whole nother workshop you do on teaching how to get the guy or how to get the girl after that.

• 31:47Lewis Howes?

  What is the, what's the biggest mistake people find today when trying to find their love? Or find someone that they, you know, their soulmate?

• 31:55Matthew Hussey?

  Oh, my God.

• 31:55Lewis Howes?

  What's the biggest mistake? Is it being yourself?

• 32:02Matthew Hussey?

  I, I, I think there's a something of a sense of entitlement that most of us have, or that most people have when they're going out to date, where they somehow feel like they're just owed the love of their life, that it shouldn't be difficult, that, that they don't have to do anything, that it's enough, that they are just them. You know, it's the, you know, that there's, I don't know if you've ever seen Bridget Jones, but there's a, there's a line in Bridget Jones where, uh, forget his name, Colin Firth, I think it is, he's, he's looking at Bridget and he's, I think, he says, I love exactly

• 32:43Matthew Hussey?

  how you are, I love you, like no changes, nothing, I love you exactly how you are. And it, sometimes we feel like we're owed that. And it kind of becomes an excuse again not

• 32:58Lewis Howes?

  Lazy.

• 32:58Matthew Hussey?

  To grow, not to, you know, I don't, frankly, it doesn't really matter what you think you're owed in love.

• 33:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 33:06Matthew Hussey?

  Uh, no one cares.

• 33:07Lewis Howes?

  I think it's the same thing with work and, you know, so many people are entitled and they think they should just get a job.

• 33:12Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah. And, and so the biggest criticism I get all the time, which I'm happy with as a criticism of my advice is, well, why do you need to do all of this stuff? Why can't you just, you know, go through life and, and, you know, it, when the time is right, you'll know. Why, why do you have to do all of these techniques? I'm happy with that criticism. If you, if you, if that's what you think, you're not my audience. Because my audience are the same people that go to a business seminar to make more money. They're the same people that say, you know what? Um, if I want to start a business, I might actually need to know what the hell I'm doing. It's not enough to have confidence in life. You have to have competence.

• 33:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 33:51Matthew Hussey?

  You have to actually know what you're doing. And, and that's what a lot of people don't know in their love lives. If you, for example, there's, there's something I come, I came to understand. I, I was, I remember once having a breakup. It was the most painful breakup I've ever had. I was really, really in a bad way over it. And a while later, I spoke to this, to this woman on the phone and I had said to her on the, in a brave moment on the phone, I said, why did, why did you want to break up? Cause by the way.

• 34:19Lewis Howes?

  You talked to the, the woman you were dating.

• 34:21Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, the, the one that had.

• 34:22Lewis Howes?

  Later on the phone.

• 34:23Matthew Hussey?

  Later, like a year or two later. It was less raw. I was feeling a little more.

• 34:27Lewis Howes?

  How long was the relationship for?

• 34:29Matthew Hussey?

  A couple of years.

• 34:30Lewis Howes?

  Okay, wow.

• 34:30Matthew Hussey?

  And, um, uh, and I was, I was pretty caught up about it. Now, the funny thing was, uh, to make a long story short, she had actually done something I didn't like. And that I thought was inappropriate and disrespectful. And I remember going to her the next day and saying, I think we need to break up.

• 34:48Lewis Howes?

  During the relationship, she did this, yeah?

• 34:50Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah. And, uh, she then said to me, okay. That was when I knew she was breaking up with me. Wasn't, it wasn't, you know, when you, you think you're breaking up with them?

• 35:01Lewis Howes?

  No, she was already doing it.

• 35:03Matthew Hussey?

  She was breaking up with me. And it was, what was so painful about it is that she was, she didn't mind. I was, I thought she might get upset. I thought, no, she didn't mind. And that was the most painful part about it. And I. You shouldn't even fake it. You know, most women would fake that they mind. I can't believe this, but they're really. I know, I know. No, she looked like she was, okay, this is a good decision. So I. So I, I remember a while later, we were on the phone and we were, we became, we're friends today. We're very good friends, in fact. And I had said to her on the phone, um, why did we break up? I said, what, what was it for you that I wasn't doing? And I braced myself for the answer. She said, do you really want to know? Honest feedback.

• 35:47Matthew Hussey?

  And I said, I literally thought to myself, wait, do I really want to know? And I said, I gritted my teeth and I went, yeah, I want to know. She said, um, you were boring. And. Wow. It was so much worse than I thought it would be. Do you know what I mean? Like not, not just like, oh, well, you know, it was just, I was young and I was, you know, wanted to be free. No, you were boring. It was really cutting. And I, I remember resisting the urge to bite back. And I said. I wasn't boring. Right, exactly. I said, no, you're, shut up idiot. You asked a question. So now, listen. So I said, why was I boring? She said, you, she said, when I first met you, you were the most ambitious person I'd ever met.

• 36:32Matthew Hussey?

  And she said, I'd never met someone with such an ability to decide they want something and then get it. And she said, it was so sexy. She said, but as we went into our relationship, the more time went on, the more that was all you were. You were super ambitious. You knew how to get what you want, but it, you were so one dimensional. You know, it was all you did. Even in our free time, you were just, you were on the phone, you were on your laptop, you would talk about your business. You were always talking shop. There was never anything else you had to talk about. We didn't do anything spontaneous. We never went and had adventures. It was just all one track. And she said, it, it got boring. Yeah. And said, wow, it's.

• 37:14Matthew Hussey?

  She was right. She was right. There was nothing I could argue with. And I realized something in that moment. The thing that makes that one quality can make you really attractive, right? But it won't keep someone. Can make you get the person. Right. It can make you sexy. It can make you intriguing. Mysterious. Right. But it can even for a time make someone worship or idolize you. One quality, but one quality will not hold someone because the reality was there was a flip side to ambition, which would have made it eminently more attractive. And there are a few, right? If you pair ambition, say, with

• 37:58Matthew Hussey?

  an ability to enjoy life. Now that person is Really sexy. Super sexy. You you you combine ambition with a sense of spontaneity, for example. Adventure. Very, very sexy. Yes. Ambition on its own is when you look at it from afar, very, very attractive. You go, women will say, I want an ambitious man. I like that. But when they get up close, if it's only one side to a coin, it quickly becomes unattractive. Someone I'm a big fan of, unfortunately has passed, but Christopher Hitchens, he he once said about love, that the challenges in not allowing your strengths to negate themselves.

• 38:40Matthew Hussey?

  And that's a very powerful statement because my ambition was my greatest strength that also had the ability to be the thing that crippled me. Because what happens is when you get good at something and you get validation from it. You want to keep doing it and get better at it. And it becomes, if you're not careful, a muscle that you that you train to the point of mutation. And then every other part of you is is is not working, is it has atrophied. Yeah. So now you have a complete imbalance. It's like, you know, I remember working out at the gym once and my trainer, I was I was doing pull ups and was trying to work out my back. My back was fine. I could keep going.

• 39:22Matthew Hussey?

  And then all of a sudden, my my forearms gave up while I was trying to pull myself up. And I said, this is so annoying. We're trying to work my back, but my fore and my back's fine, but my forearms have given up. Right. He said, you're only as strong as your weakest link. If your if your forearms aren't aren't there, you're not going to be able to train your back as well as you could. Yeah. So so. Here's the the the point about this, which I find very interesting about dating. To your point of what's the biggest mistake people make? Apart from, of course, the entitlement, it's over reliance on a key strength that they have come to rely on as their source of validation, success, confidence. Right.

• 40:04Matthew Hussey?

  Over reliance on that. I had come to over rely on essentially being ahead of the curve for my age. Yeah. That was like the thing that I was always based my confidence on was I am way ahead of the curve for people my age. My business is going great. Correct. The people I grew up with in my age group are not where I am. Just are still living at home. But guess what? That alone is boring. Yeah. It's boring and it doesn't make an interesting, rounded, sexy person. But when you combine it with something else, it becomes what I call unique pairing. It's a bit like if I if I wanted to really get a woman attracted tonight, not me, but like send a guy out to get a woman attracted.

• 40:47Matthew Hussey?

  I could literally, if if he went in and he was a little cocky and teasing, but in the right way, not arrogant, obnoxious, but just he knew how to he knew how to play with her. And then a couple of hours in later, you know, maybe it's getting late. He comes out of the restroom and after being teasing and playful and silly, he says, you know what? It's getting late. I called you a car. I don't want you walking outside. And he says, I have to go as well. I have to get up early. He takes her outside. He gives her a little kiss. He says, all jokes aside, I've had the best night with you tonight. I'll call you later this week. Puts her in the car, car drives away. That woman will be going, oh crap.

• 41:32Matthew Hussey?

  I like this guy. Now, the reason wasn't because he was a gentleman. And it wasn't because he was cocky and teasing. It was because he was both. Both of them, yeah. It's the and. If he does just one thing, it's not interesting enough. Cause you can replace the cocky guy like that. Women know that. Yes. They can go out tonight and meet a cocky guy in Hollywood any night of the week. They can go out the next, they don't even have to go out the next night. They can turn to their left and meet another one straight away. By the way, they, even though people complain about chivalry is dead, you can go out and meet a gentleman. You can go out and meet lots of nice guys. That's all they are.

• 42:08Matthew Hussey?

  Right. Incredibly boring. Women will never, they, they don't hold a woman, right? So, but now you find like what seems to be a good man, but with an edge. That's a unique pairing. Yes. And that's someone that becomes not an attraction, but an addiction. Oh. Uh, and there's a, and there's a, a big, big difference. So I, I believe that we will actually, I believe these pairings already exist within us, but we've overtrained certain muscles. We've overtrained certain qualities that we've gotten used to as habit. Uh, for some people, it's being funny. Uh, for other people, it's being intellectual and they always, they're the person that knows everything about everything. They've read every book. They can always quote so and so. Uh, for others, it's, uh, uh, being seductive.

• 42:52Matthew Hussey?

  That's the thing they got really good at. So they're really good at, you know, getting someone into bed or, or, or getting someone sexually attracted, but they're never the person you want to eat pizza with the next day. You know, so it's like, it, it, it's finding those combinations that make you go, oh my God, the person I was with last night, they were this and they were this. It's the and, the and is where it's at.

• 43:13Matthew Hussey?

  I wonder what else they could do. Exactly. And you're, and by the way, that's what makes it so hard. I, I say this to everybody. If you want to know why you found it so hard to get over a certain ex, look for the unique pairing. Cause they had multiple things. There was, there was some unique pairing that made you feel like they were difficult to replace. Oh. And, and that's what scares us. The more unique pairings you have, the more you become a rare bird in the dating marketplace. Right. Right? And, and when you become rare, people get really terrified of, of losing you. And that's always the case. Whenever you think of someone you've lost and you think like your heart aches for having lost them. Like months and months. Yeah. You, it's because you go.

• 43:57Matthew Hussey?

  It's not because you go, they were good in bed. It's because you go, they were good in bed and they made me laugh like, like I never find that.

• 44:04Lewis Howes?

  Nice to my parents.

• 44:05Matthew Hussey?

  And I took them home and she was a sweetheart to my, like this, there's those moments where you go, God, I can't find this person again. And that terrifies you. So again, to be more positive about it, be the person that has the unique pairings that other people are terrified of losing.

• 44:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. You know, I like this because I feel like, well, I don't feel like, but the statistics show that the divorce rate is up higher than ever right now. Right? Isn't it something like 50%?

• 44:31Matthew Hussey?

  I don't know. You hear, I hear these, no, I, I hear 50% bandied around. How accurate it is, I don't know.

• 44:37Lewis Howes?

  But it seems like people are getting married multiple times and they're easy to get out of relationships. They're, you know, and I'll speak for myself and I am a lot of fears about long-term commitment. You know, most of my relationships are a year, um, maybe longer, but usually about a year. And then I'm like either bored or I get scared because I have my own walls and I still get to grow and learn.

• 44:59Matthew Hussey?

  For sure.

• 45:00Lewis Howes?

  I'm curious, why do you think so many people bail in relationships? And why do you think so many people are getting divorced more than ever now?

• 45:09Matthew Hussey?

  Oh, man, that's a big question. I, um, well, there, I think there are a number of things. I can have a stab at this. I, I think firstly, there is less of a stigma now than there has ever been about divorce.

• 45:27Lewis Howes?

  It's okay now, right?

• 45:28Matthew Hussey?

  Right. Not, you know, and it is certainly there are parts of the world where it's not. And there are certain religions and cultures where it's not, but, but certainly less than ever.

• 45:37Lewis Howes?

  Sure. Let's speak in America at least.

• 45:38Matthew Hussey?

  Right. There's less of a stigma about divorce. We don't feel like complete failures in the same way that we might once have, or we wouldn't have, there would have been a time where we would have been outcast from society for it. So there's that.

• 45:54Matthew Hussey?

  I think there's also a greater sense of entitlement these days where people feel like they're owed and, you know, marriage is you've met the right person. So it's supposed to all feel great. And when it doesn't feel great, and when it's not all working, there must be something wrong with this person, not with me, not with the amount of effort I'm investing into this relationship. There must be something wrong with this person. Ah, it turns out they're not the one after all. I thought they were, but they're not. The search continues. So, so the entitlement has people believing that it shouldn't be effort. And that's a very dangerous way to think of relationships. It's very, if you really want to see who someone is in their relationship, talk to them about sex and

• 46:39Matthew Hussey?

  passion and desire in their long-term relationship. And you'll get some very heated answers because some people will, will, will say it's absolutely paramount. We, you know, you have to maintain that passion. You have to find new ways to excite each other. Where me and my partner were always searching. We're always exploring each other. We're always trying to figure out like, what's going to turn you on tomorrow? What's the like, how, how do I, how do I do something that's that you didn't predict? Or how do I get you to know me a little less? So that you get desire again, you know, whatever it is. Other people, and I've had hosts on TV, get very, very uptight and upset over this issue. And it's usually they're overplaying their hand. When they do, they'll say, well, Matt, it's different. When you're

• 47:24Matthew Hussey?

  in a marriage, when you're, when you have kids, when you're in those situations, it's different, right? You, you don't, you, you can't just think of it like that. You don't do, Matt, think other things become more important. And, and I always know who they are in their relationship when those things happen, because people I think don't go into relationships with a healthy view of what is required over the long term. And what is required? Well, there's a, there's a, there's a woman who is a great authority on this called Esther Perel. And she talks about the difference between love and desire. And I'm a big fan of her work and I think she articulates it very, very well. That in relationships, you have to have both love and desire.

• 48:06Matthew Hussey?

  Love isn't enough. Love is the thing that makes me want to get close to you when I, when I, when I feel things for you. I want to know your mind. I want to know everything there is to know about you. I want to know what you're thinking. I want to know what you're doing tonight. I want to know who your friends are. I want to become friends with them. I want to get close to your mom. I want like, it's all these things. That's love. The desire to almost become merged. But desire exists in the space between two people. So you feel desire when there's a void and when there's some mystery and when you're still getting to know someone. So desire ironically is the thing that ends up creating love.

• 48:46Matthew Hussey?

  Because desire is like, I want to get close to you because I don't have you. And then when I get close, we feel feelings of love, but not desire now.

• 48:52Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 48:52Matthew Hussey?

  So we.

• 48:53Lewis Howes?

  How do you keep that after years and years?

• 48:55Matthew Hussey?

  And that's a great question and it's, it's a, it's a big one. I think there are many answers and I think they change depending on the couple.

• 49:01Lewis Howes?

  So you've got to, so what you're saying at first before you answer is you've got to have both love and desire. Throughout the relationship in order for it to be a successful one.

• 49:11Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah. In order to maintain, in order to satisfy your needs along the way, because the, the, I think many people get divorced because, not because there's a lack of love. I mean, sometimes that's true, you know, sometimes it's true that two people don't, don't give each other enough love. They don't act as a team and, and there are problems with that.

• 49:31Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 49:32Matthew Hussey?

  But a lot of people, it's not because of lack of love. A lot of people, it's because of lack of desire.

• 49:36Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 49:38Matthew Hussey?

  That lead, that, that create, you know, these weird moments in relationships where sometimes people cheat. Or they, maybe it's not going as far as cheating, but they realize that they're having all of these thoughts that they're not proud of. Maybe they just have to leave because they think there's something wrong with them because they're bored. You know, I got a question on the Today Show recently. I mean, I mean, I was on the Today Show recently and me and Cathy Lee, you know, got heated over this issue because, you know, there was a guy on there who's questioned. Was my kids have just gone off to university. How do you know when we're now basically what he was saying is the kids have all left. So now it's just me and my wife. Now what? So how do me and my wife now keep, keep it fresh?

• 50:19Matthew Hussey?

  And there's a great quote by a Proust when he says, uh, I think it's the journey of discovery. Lies not in seeking new landscapes, but in seeing with new eyes. It's very interesting when applied to a relationship. Because you're not seeing the landscape, you're seeing the same landscape over and over and over every moment. So you better get good at seeing with new eyes. All right. Now the landscape, of course, can the landscape can change because that person, their job is to be, to make themselves less predictable. And you don't do that by like playing hard to get with your partner necessarily. But what you do is you, you grow, you develop new skills, you learn new things.

• 51:04Matthew Hussey?

  And you develop yourself in ways that keep your partner guessing about you because they're like, oh my God, I, I have to keep up. I have to keep up with this because they keep evolving. Yes. And that in itself, you can start to desire your partner more because you feel like you know them a little less. Not because they're now hiding things from you, but because they're developing. And when someone develops and grows, you're like, oh my, I, I don't know this side of you. I need to learn it and it sparks attraction again. So there's, there's that whole thing. But I said to this guy, uh, you know, I said, I know everyone's going to tell you now your kids have gone off to university. Now you have all this time to spend together. I said, but the problem is you're going to have nothing to talk about. Because you've said it all. You've said it all and you've been together this whole time. So. There's nothing you're talking about.

• 51:47Matthew Hussey?

  I said, I'm going to give you a kind of strange piece of advice. I think you should use this time, spend some time apart. Wow. Like go, like she go on holiday and you go on holiday and then come back and tell each other about it. You know, do have, have that some space so that when you come back together, there's a little mystery to it. You know that this won't, it will be scary. And this is, this is why people get very emotional about this and they get upset because they're like, what do you mean? Get to know my husband less. What do you mean? Like spend time apart? Part we we are supposed to be like this the whole time. But what they don't realize is A, you never know your partner as well as you think you do. So the idea that you're like this and you know, everything about them is a complete illusion. And secondly, you doing that is death to the relationship.

• 52:33Matthew Hussey?

  So if you really care and if you really are a team, you'll be able to trust each other. But you'll be able to give each other space to create that desire again.

• 52:42Lewis Howes?

  Otherwise you're suffocating each other.

• 52:44Matthew Hussey?

  You you're yeah, absolutely. So I again, I think that's another, another thing that people don't anticipate. When they're in the feelings of love and desire all mixed together early on and they decide to get married. They they don't anticipate that over the long term. And I think many of us are out there making promises that we cannot keep.

• 53:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 53:05Matthew Hussey?

  Now, of course, you you a whole different conversation is to what extent monogamy works and to what.

• 53:11Lewis Howes?

  A whole nother topic.

• 53:12Matthew Hussey?

  That's a whole other thing, you know, and I, and I think to, to if if we're not going to cover it, we should. It's fair to say that for some people it works and for others it doesn't.

• 53:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 53:24Matthew Hussey?

  But that is a whole other kind of work.

• 53:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, I've got a few questions left for you. I have lots of questions and maybe I can convince you to come back on. We could do some more of these sometimes.

• 53:33Matthew Hussey?

  Been great so far. I've loved this.

• 53:34Lewis Howes?

  Talk more about this because I think people are going to like this topic. And I haven't really dove into intimate relationships in this way for this extended amount of time. So I'd love to have you come back on if we can make it happen.

• 53:45Matthew Hussey?

  Love to.

• 53:46Lewis Howes?

  Because I want to cover monogamy next time. I also.

• 53:50Matthew Hussey?

  Cue the hype in the comments.

• 53:51Lewis Howes?

  I also want to cover a marriage in general because I'm still in the discovery stage of my life of. What is marriage? What was your, what was marriage originally intended for? The first time it was created, however many years ago.

• 54:05Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 54:06Lewis Howes?

  Thousands of years ago.

• 54:07Matthew Hussey?

  On an anthropological level, it's very interesting.

• 54:08Lewis Howes?

  And why are we still practicing the same things we did from its original intent? And if that's the case, should we keep doing marriage?

• 54:16Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 54:17Lewis Howes?

  And should we keep doing it when 50% of them fail? You know, I have all these questions that I'm still in discovery for myself.

• 54:22Matthew Hussey?

  As am I. Yeah.

• 54:23Lewis Howes?

  And, you know, I don't think anything's right or wrong. I just think it's coming up with your own solution that works for you and your partner.

• 54:31Matthew Hussey?

  A hundred percent, and I think it works for many, many people.

• 54:34Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 54:36Matthew Hussey?

  I will say I'm like you, I haven't quite figured out yet whether it will work for me or not. I don't, I don't know. It's, I, I, I know that I have a lot of issues personally with it, and I don't give those to other people. Because I, I think some people are very different to me.

• 54:56Matthew Hussey?

  And different from each other, but I, I know there, there are things that I struggle with and I haven't figured it out. That's why I'm always, I always cringe when I go on a, a TV show and they call me a relationship expert. Which they love, you know, they, these shows love to label you as something nice and simple. I always say I'm, really what I am is a guy who likes to talk about people. But, you know, the, the, it's not got the, quite the same ring to it. But I, I, you know, the idea of a dating expert or a relationship expert to me is a un- unbelievably narcissistic idea.

• 55:36Matthew Hussey?

  And I, and I cringe every time I hear it because it's who could say that they're an expert in all things relationships?

• 55:44Lewis Howes?

  It's crazy. It's all good though. Well, I was gonna ask you a few more questions, but I think I want to wrap it up on this one and, and bring you back another time.

• 55:51Matthew Hussey?

  Okay.

• 55:51Lewis Howes?

  So I want to ask you a couple of different related, uh, different questions, not related to that. One is, um, what are you most grateful for in your life recently? I like to finish with gratitude.

• 56:00Matthew Hussey?

  Wow.

• 56:03Matthew Hussey?

  God. I think one thing I'm, I'm very grateful for is I, I, well, I just recently applied for my green card. And I, I, it kind of brings a, a dream full circle. Fingers crossed, you know, it should be coming through in the next couple of months. Hopefully I don't get rejected. I, um, it's, it's come full circle, you know, something that I had dreamed about for a very long time. And, and really has been, uh, you know, nearly two decades of, of thinking about that idea. You know, has actually come to fruition and, and it's amazing to me that it started with me thinking,

• 56:48Matthew Hussey?

  why not come and do a seminar for five people and lose money? Just to, just to say that I'm doing something in America and. It um, it it I'm I'm there now. So that, you know, I say to everyone out there, always drive in the thin end of the wedge, whatever it is, whatever is the smallest possible thing that relates to your bigger dream. Do the smallest possible thing because you never know what domino effect that might have. I could never have guessed that by this age I would be living here and traveling the country, doing what I love. And um, and I am, and I feel immensely grateful for that.

• 57:28Lewis Howes?

  That's cool, man. Yeah, cool. I've been asking this question a lot lately for some of my guests. So I'm gonna ask you this one as well because I'm interested to hear the response. But the many, many years from now, it's the end of your life, the last day. And everything you've ever said online, written, you know, your New York Times bestselling author, you've got millions of views on all your videos, has been erased from time. You've got a piece of paper and a pen. All your friends and family are there, supporting you in your final moments, telling you how much they love you. You got a pen and a piece of paper, and they say you get to write down three truths about life, the three things you know to be true about life. And this is the only thing that people will get to see from your message moving forward, because everything else has been erased.

• 58:13Matthew Hussey?

  Wow.

• 58:14Lewis Howes?

  What would you write down as the three truths?

• 58:16Matthew Hussey?

  Let's see if I can think of three.

• 58:18Lewis Howes?

  They don't have to be perfect, but what comes to your mind?

• 58:21Matthew Hussey?

  Be kind. I think that one of my favorite shows is Derek. I don't know if you've ever seen it. It's a Ricky Gervais show. But it's about a guy who works in an old people's home. And he, his favorite line is a line his mom told him, which was kindness is magic. And I don't believe in magic. And I certainly don't, I don't know what happens later on, or whether anything bigger is there. But I do, I do believe that there is a magic to kindness that is really, really special. So even when you've, even when it feels like you shouldn't be kind, or that the whole world is horrible, be kind, because you just never know who is watching and who will decide that.

• 59:08Matthew Hussey?

  There is still some good in the world because you did something kind. Um, so, and I'm always grateful for anyone who restores faith, anyone's little faith in humanity in those little tiny moments. So be kind. Um, number two, always operate on the assumption that you don't know nearly enough. Um, coming up, one of, I remember my friend told me, uh, he, I remember him meeting up with me once, you know, when I was kind of starting out, but getting a bit big for my britches about what I was doing. And he said, you know, he said, what books have you read recently? And I said, I haven't. I said, cause to be honest, you know, I'm doing all these seminars. And I said, I don't want to put all of these other

• 59:49Matthew Hussey?

  ideas in my head. Like I want to, you know, I'm trying to develop these ideas and I don't want to have all of these different. And he looked at me and he was an older guy, he's about 40 years old. And he looked at me and he said, mate, he said, I can't tell you how disappointed I am with that answer. And it, I looked up to this guy. So I, I was mortified. But, but I, I've, I have in recent years understood exactly what he meant, that he's a learner and, and someone who always operates on the assumption that he doesn't know enough. So, so always operate under the assumption that you don't know enough and, and, and never trust anyone who tries, who, who claims to know everything about anything. Um, and then

• 1:00:32Matthew Hussey?

  the third one, God, the, the third one, I, I think there, there are many, many different lives that you could lead. I think one of the most depressing things about life is you won't have time to lead them. You won't have time to read the books you want to read. Even if you stack them all up and think about them all now, you'll already have to start eliminating enormous numbers. You won't be able to travel to every country that you want to go to. I mean, we always think we will. We have all these, this long list of countries we think we're going to go to. Um, if you want to depress yourself, put, draw, list all of them and look at how many you already have to eliminate. You'll realize you're only going to do a, a, a select few more, uh, even if you're young. Um,

• 1:01:17Matthew Hussey?

  The jobs you think you'd enjoy, the career paths you think you'd enjoy, the types of people you'd like to meet, there just isn't time. And that makes it that much more important that we enjoy the path that we take instead of obsessing over the 10,000 paths that we didn't take. Because that really is the most tremendous waste of life is when we obsess over the paths we didn't take instead of figuring out how to enjoy the one that we have taken, even if we look to improve it or adapt it or change it. Even then, you'll adapt one way and there will have been 10,000 other ways you could have adapted.

• 1:01:58Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 1:01:59Matthew Hussey?

  So it's not easy, but I think the challenge for us all is to figure out how to enjoy the path that we're actually on.

• 1:02:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's a good three truths, man.

• 1:02:07Matthew Hussey?

  I'm really happy because I got to number two, I thought, what is the last one to me? But no, I feel quite solid in those.

• 1:02:14Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's good. I want to ask one more question, but before I do, I want to take a moment to acknowledge you, Matt, for your ambition, because you are so ambitious, but your ability to continue learning. And when you teach, you teach with humility. And for me, that really comes across and I appreciate that. And it reminds me to myself to always come from a humble place when I'm educating or facilitating anything, because that really connects and lands with people in a deeper way. And I know you've been inspiring and impacting hundreds of thousands, if not millions of women around the world because you come from that place of love and humility when you educate.

• 1:02:56Lewis Howes?

  And so I want to acknowledge you for your ambition and your humility to continue learning what you don't know.

• 1:03:02Matthew Hussey?

  Thank you so much. It means the world to me.

• 1:03:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:05Matthew Hussey?

  Thank you.

• 1:03:06Lewis Howes?

  Final question before I ask, where should people go to connect with you and learn more?

• 1:03:10Matthew Hussey?

  Well, I guess I should give a couple of options, one for the men and one for the women. For women out there, I have something really fun, actually, for the women out there, it's free of charge, but I get an enormous number of questions about texting. And I think actually somehow the way you text is a kind of microcosm for how you are in communication in general. So there's a guide that I put together, which is the nine texts that get any man to chase you. And it's really cute and fun. And literally, you can take these nine texts, whether you're in a relationship, some of them are good for a relationship, some of them are good for when you have a guy that's gone cold, some of them are good for if you've

• 1:03:54Matthew Hussey?

  just met someone. But there's something in there for everybody. And it's literally, I mean, you can download it now and use, like, copy and paste them into your phone and use them right now and tweet me, let me know. Because I always get tweets about this guide from people who have used it and say, that was, that one text really made a difference. So if you want to go and download that, it's at nine texts dot com. And it works either with the number nine or the word nine. So nine texts dot com.

• 1:04:23Lewis Howes?

  And I'll be sure to link these up on the show notes, too.

• 1:04:25Matthew Hussey?

  Great. And for the guys, you know, I'll say this, I don't have any immediate programs for guys, but there are huge numbers of guys that watch my YouTube videos and really appear to get an enormous amount from them and are part of that community. And I think that's great. I'm a guy and I talk to women, but everything I say is useful to me as well. So I would encourage guys to go and subscribe to my YouTube channel and actually watch those videos.

• 1:04:56Lewis Howes?

  They're really good.

• 1:04:57Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, you know, they're fun and they're, you know, designed to be useful. So they're useful on a human level, not just a one gender. So my YouTube channel is called Get the Guy Team, but if you just type in Matthew Hussey into YouTube, you're gonna see it.

• 1:05:13Lewis Howes?

  Awesome. We'll have it all linked up on your website, gettheguy.co.uk as well. We'll have it linked up. Very excited, man. We're gonna have you back on here soon, hopefully. Last question is, what's your definition of greatness?

• 1:05:25Matthew Hussey?

  Oh, my God. I love your questions, man. I love them. They're just, they're challenging. My definition of greatness, I guess, to your point on humility, it's someone who continues to strive to be better and to know more.

• 1:05:55Matthew Hussey?

  And whilst they're doing it, instead of looking at those who they are better than in that area, they're always looking up at the people who seem to know more than them. So, you know, they look up, not down, when, when they're figuring out where they stand in the hierarchy.

• 1:06:13Lewis Howes?

  There you go. Matt, thanks for coming on, bro. Appreciate you, man.

• 1:06:15Matthew Hussey?

  I appreciate you. Thank you for having me.

• 1:06:20Lewis Howes?

  And there you have it, greats. I hope you enjoyed this episode with Matt. If you did enjoy this, make sure to head back to lewishouse.com/189. You're going to get all the links for Matt's information, his website, his YouTube channel, which I recommend checking out. Follow him online. Let him know that you listened to this episode. Let him know what you thought about this episode. And make sure that you connect with him. He's a great guy and he's got great content. I highly recommend it. If you enjoyed this, please share this with your friends. If you know a man or a woman who would be interested in this episode, who might find it helpful in their relationships, then send lewishouse.com/189. Send that link off to your friends. Either email them or post it on social media and let them know what you think.

• 1:07:04Lewis Howes?

  I think it's going to be really helpful for a lot of people. So, and again, thank you guys so much for being on here. It means the world to me that you continue to listen and to spread the word of greatness to your friends, to your family, to your coworkers, to your employees. And we're in this together, guys. So, as I learn, I want to share with you what I'm learning from some of the greatest minds in the world. And I hope you continue to share, learn it, and then apply it in your life and then share the wisdom as well. We're all in this together. Thank you guys so much for all that you do. You know what time it is. It's time to go out. ...there and do something great.

• 1:08:48Speaker 02

  Ah.