Moment 87 - Dr Aria On How To Get Over Heartbreak

How do you recover from one of the most life shattering experiences that can happen to a person? Not only that, how do you face it calmly and with grace? In this moment Dr Aria discusses how to find and cultivate stillness in the eye of the hurricane that life can sometimes be. While it’s impossible to escape the suffering that is a part of life, Dr Aria says that it is crucial to not ask why you are suffering, but have a self belief that all will be well and see it ass a temporary part of journey to a new and meaningful life Listen to the full episode here - https://g2ul0.app.link/nvORjUciBvb Dr Aria: https://www.dr-aria.com https://www.instagram.com/dr._aria/?hl=en Watch the Episodes On Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/c/TheDiaryOfACEO/videos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Steven Bartlett?

  Sometimes in life, you have these unbelievable, somewhat cruel coincidences that occur, that it's hard to make sense of. And last time you came on this podcast, I would define it as, for me anyway, a pretty cruel coincidence, because we had a conversation to do with life generally, and success, and the mindset and psychology, and all the things that you're an expert on. And for whatever reason, that day, I decided that I wanted to spend 30 minutes talking about marriage, cheating, love, and asking you these very personal questions about monogamy, which I've never done before with any guest ever, and which I really had no place

• 0:45Steven Bartlett?

  or reason to ask you more than anyone else. And it just feels to me, for what we're going to talk about in part today, that that was a bit of a cruel coincidence. And you know, one of the questions I asked you was, do you believe in monogamy? And then I asked you, can you love someone and cheat on them? And when I listened to that podcast back, I now noticed why you laughed. Because it wasn't, you laughed, yeah. And it wasn't a normal laugh. It was like a real belly laugh, right? Like a bit of a nervous belly laugh.

• 1:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19Steven Bartlett?

  After we came off air on that podcast, you told me something. And it even gives me goosebumps now, thinking about what you said. And it gave the whole team in the room, who overheard our conversation, goosebumps as well. So after our 30 minute conversation about marriage, monogamy, and cheating and love, what did you say to me?

• 1:44Speaker 01

  I told you a story. And that was about two weeks earlier, I'd been travelling back from London home. And I got out of the train station. And my wife picked me up, and we got into the car. And we had planned to go and have a brunch at my favourite little spot. They do amazing cumin ranch or sauce. I was very excited. And she said, let's go straight home, I've made sandwiches. And she doesn't make great sandwiches. So I said, no, no, I think the brunch is a better option. And she said, no, there's something that I need to tell you. And I said, is it bad? And she said, yes. And I said, is that about the marriage? And she said, yes. And then we began to drive back.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  And I had this sinking feeling in me.

• 2:34Speaker 01

  And we drove for about five minutes in silence and then I went to put my hand on her lap and she said, "Don't, don't touch me because you won't want you after I've told you what's happened."

• 2:47Speaker 01

  And that's whenever it drops. And I remember that 10 minute drive back home then felt like an eternity. I was just looking out the window. And we got home, we got into the house, into the kitchen and I was standing by the kitchen table, hands rested on it.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  And I said, "What's happened?" And she said, "I've been having an affair with a man from work."

• 3:15Speaker 01

  And I remember just tears began to stream. I didn't move completely, motionless, tears began to stream. And then she said, "And that's not all." And she said, "I'm pregnant with this child."

• 3:30Speaker 01

  And in that moment,

• 3:33Speaker 01

  I felt like I lost a lot. You know, I'd lost my wife, I'd lost the life we created, I'd lost

• 3:43Speaker 01

  the dog, our home, her, my parents and all, her family, everything that I'd really held dear. If someone said, "What makes a meaningful life?", I would have described these things. And it felt like they'd just been snatched away, just came crumbling down like a house of cards. And then fast forward two weeks and Steve decides to ask. And I remember because the first thing, no, no, it's fascinating because the first thing he asked was, "You're married, right?" And I did this high pitched laugh and I go,

• 4:17Speaker 01

  "Yes."

• 4:19Speaker 01

  And then, and then the conversation flowed on and it's themes I'd really thought about. Can you love someone and cheat on them? Does monogamy exist? Is it natural? Are we set up to live a life where we're in one relationship with one person only? And so with the past.

• 4:43Speaker 01

  Eighteen months, it's been a process and some of these themes have been very real to me.

• 4:49Steven Bartlett?

  I just, as I reflect on that conversation and when I played it back after you told me, so we come off air, we're stood next to the table and the microphones and you explained to me what's happened.

• 4:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:59Steven Bartlett?

  I'm, for the first time in my life, completely speechless. And the thing that blew me away even more so than what you'd said to me was your ability to be so calm and rational and objective in the answers you gave. And even when I listen back now, although there was that laugh, which was a bit of an indication.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:18Steven Bartlett?

  You were able to speak about someone betraying you or being deceitful with a level of calmness and apparent emotional sort of restraint that I just admired so much from someone that was right in the middle of the emotional hurricane and had just been victim of that act. And you said that, you know, about the topic of monogamy. How did that change your opinion and also the subsequent eighteen months of processing on the topic of monogamy?

• 5:54Speaker 01

  So as a quick aside, I like that analogy and we touched upon it briefly about the hurricane. And it's funny actually because a friend of mine showed me a book about a week ago and it was different personality profiles depending on the day that you'd been born on. And whenever we looked at mine up, there's a little meditation at the end, a summary. And it said, the stillest part of the hurricane is its centre.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  And that essentially has been a philosophy that's guided my life where sometimes it's a storm and it's horrendous and it's raging. But if you can cultivate that sense of stillness and calmness and clarity deep within you, no matter what life throws at you, you will be okay. Because the second part of. Whenever I was told that news and the tears were streaming and I felt that sense of loss and overwhelming sadness. It was a remarkable moment where in that instant, and I can only describe it as a whisper, I heard a whisper within me, as if it was resonating from a heart, that all will be

• 7:06Speaker 01

  well. Four words, all will be well. All will be well. And I knew even then, I knew whenever, you know, this tumultuous emotion, I knew everything's going to be okay. I will get through this. I'm gonna have to walk through the desert and I'm gonna have to endure horrific amount of emotional level, but it's all going to be fine.

• 7:27Steven Bartlett?

  How did you know that?

• 7:30Speaker 01

  I think it's something that I've cultivated over 10, 15 years and that's why I do what I do now, because I want to help other people to go to reach that stage. And it began on a journey of Buddhist exploration and understanding the nature of life. And I came to this realization that life involves suffering. There's no promise that it's going to be happy-go-lucky and really pleasant all the time. Really horrific things happen in life and on one level, there's no way that we can ever rationally explain it away. Sometimes bad things happen, but it doesn't end there. It's a bit like that line that someone sent to me, whenever you're suffering, don't ask

• 8:15Speaker 01

  God, why am I suffering? Ask God, where are you taking me?

• 8:20Speaker 01

  And so I've developed this ability to begin to view my life as though it's happening to someone else, as though the experience, the thoughts, the emotions are something that I can almost take it back on and have perspective and I can see it and I can feel it, but I know that my thoughts, that isn't just who I am, my emotions isn't just who I am, that's a temporary experience. And throughout my life, no matter what has happened, even whenever it's been brutal, it's often shifted me in a new trajectory and there's been a new meaningful life ahead of me. And I knew even then, she's going to be okay. She'll be okay.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  It's gonna be a tough road for her too, but she'll be okay. And it's gonna be a tough road for me too, but I will be okay.

• 9:12Steven Bartlett?

  Anger.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 9:15Steven Bartlett?

  So many people in that situation, whether rightly or wrongly, just because of the way that they are.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:20Steven Bartlett?

  Would have reacted with anger. And for some reason, you were both calm in telling me, you're calm now. And this remarkable thing, which I, I think I, I struggle to understand a little bit is one of your first concerns was her wellbeing. Versus your own.

• 9:41Steven Bartlett?

  Why?

• 9:44Speaker 01

  Because I loved her and I was in the practice of placing her emotional wellbeing and her happiness on the same level as mine, if not sometimes, first and foremostly, but at least on an equal playing field. And, and I was just so in that habit and that was the toughest thing to let go of. The thing that I still struggle with today, and I'm still, it's the one part that I realised the other day, that I still had a fear of upsetting her or of her not being okay. And so that's something which just, just really developed and was so ingrained.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  And it's interesting, on the point of anger, if you said, like, your wife, partner for 10 years, married for five, has an affair and is pregnant with another man's child, how will you react? I would have said anger. I'd be furious.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  But it wasn't there, at least not initially. It was this overwhelming sense of sadness. It was just that sense of loss of knowing that, again, that she's potentially done something that she might regret for a long time. And I don't want anyone to go through that experience where they feel like they fucked up hugely, even if the, the future is positive in that moment. My sense is there will be regret or at least shame.