181: How To Get The Relationship You Deserve

Why do people who “try the hardest” in relationships often end up feeling unseen, resentful, or stuck in situationships? In this episode, Sabrina breaks down how people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, and anxious attachment patterns quietly sabotage intimacy. Drawing from psychology, attachment theory, and trauma research, she explains why fawning is not love but a nervous-system survival response, and how suppressing your needs leads to emotional disconnection, resentment, and unhealthy power dynamics in dating and relationships. This episode dives deep into boundaries, self-abandonment, and why being willing to walk away is the most underrated relationship skill no one teaches you. Sabrina explores how fear of abandonment, low self-worth, and childhood conditioning keep people stuck accepting breadcrumbs, avoiding conflict, and performing for love. If you’re struggling with anxious attachment, people-pleasing, situationships, or feeling lonely inside a relationship, this conversation offers neuroscience-backed insight and practical tools to help you stop losing yourself and start building secure, authentic connection. If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step HERE! If you’re serious about changing your dating patterns instead of repeating them, the Art of Going Slow course helps you unlearn urgency, regulate your nervous system, and build real connection without rushing, chasing, or abandoning yourself HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! ============================= Chapters 0:00 Why Being “Too Loving” Is Blocking Real Connection 2:10 People-Pleasing Isn’t Love, It’s a Trauma Response 5:10 Fawning, Anxious Attachment, and Self-Abandonment 8:20 Why the “Cool Girl / Easy Partner” Always Loses 11:30 Conflict Avoidance Is Quietly Killing Your Relationships 15:10 The Psychology of Power: Why Being Willing to Leave Matters 18:40 How Fear of Abandonment Keeps You Accepting Breadcrumbs 22:10 What Secure Relationships Actually Look Like (Repair Over Perfection) 26:00 How to Stop Self-Abandoning and Start Speaking Up 30:10 Tool of the Week: The Self-Abandonment Check-In Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  When fall comes back around, there's a sense of a reset. And new pieces from Lululemon's fall drop are an inspiration to push your goals and elevate your routines. As your calendar fills, easy to layer styles meet the demands of your day. And as you challenge yourself to try even more, versatile sets transition with you. The Lululemon fall lineup brings new levels of comfort and confidence, whether you're starting something fresh or starting something over. Check out the latest arrivals in store and on lululemon.com now.

• 1:00Sabrina Zohar?

  Here's something that might sound a little bit backwards to you. The people who find the healthiest relationships, they're not the ones that are the most loving. That's a common misconception. They're the ones that are willing to leave. Your inability to walk away isn't loyalty. It's not love. It's the very thing that's blocking you from being truly chosen. Because when you can't leave, you can't be honest. When you can't be honest, you can't be seen. And when you can't be seen, you can't be loved for who the fuck you actually are. Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi friends, welcome back. All right, babes, don't forget, comment, rate and review, share it with a friend. Oh, guys, you know the drill. I am just asking for the support. And I want to get into it immediately. But before we do, again, I want to say thank you.

• 1:45Sabrina Zohar?

  Thank you for being here. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for allowing me to show up as me and letting you show up as you. So guys, as always, stick around for the tool of the week at the end, and it's something you can literally start doing today. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? All right, so today's episode is for everyone. I don't care if you're single, I don't care if you're dating, I don't care if you're in a situationship, I don't care if you're in a long-term relationship, because what we're talking about applies to everybody. We're talking about why people pleasing, right, and conflict avoidance is actually blocking you from the connection that you want. And why learning to walk away is the most important relationship skill that no one teaches you. And it's something I know incredibly well myself. Because for fucking years, I was the doormat. I was the one that, like you said, "Jump," I said, "How high?" You told me that you didn't want anything?

• 2:30Sabrina Zohar?

  No worries, I will make you want it with me, because that's the goal, right? And I've shared the story with you guys. Again, if you're new, welcome, I'm stoked to have you. And if you're not, that's cool, you'll hear my story again. But when I first met Ryan, and we went on our date, we slept together on the first date. Mm, kudos. And I knew, like, when I left, I was very honest with him. And I said, "Hey, I really had a good time tonight. I needed to get laid, and this was a lot of fun. But I'm gonna be really honest with you. If you call me, or you wanna see me again, it's because you're actually intentional about dating and building something, cuz I don't do casual, I don't do friends with benefits, and I'm not gonna be the girl that's gonna come over at 10 tonight, just to fuck you again. So, if you wanna pursue something, awesome, give me a call. And if not, this was a lot of fun." And the reason, right?

• 3:12Sabrina Zohar?

  People have asked Ryan, even on, like, interviews and stuff, the reason that that was so sexy was because he said, "I knew you were not afraid to lose me, you're more afraid of losing yourself." And so, really, what that did, and what that allowed him to realize, was, one, like, she shows up authentically, I'm not trying to be anything, I'm not trying to pretend to be anything, I'm not trying to be a black cat, a golden retriever, like, what if I'm a fucking pit bull? What if I'm a blend of all of these things? What if I'm not just one thing? And the more we try to become this, "I have to be like this, and like this, and like this, and like this," you're fucking losing yourself, because when you don't stand for something, you fall for everything. And so, this is your reminder, and this is your permission, to be authentically yourself. If I'm too much, then good, go find fucking less.

• 3:55Sabrina Zohar?

  If you don't like my personality, you don't like the way that I talk, you don't like how I show up, then I'm not for you. And the more we try to get other people around us to change because of our discomfort, the further away we're getting from who the fuck we are, and actually making choices for ourself. We are in a time where everything has to pertain to everybody. "What about me?"-ism, and "The sky is blue." No, it's not, you're privileged! No, it's just me making a fucking statement. And if that doesn't work for you, that's okay. It's the same in dating. If someone doesn't align, you don't have to try to change them in order for you to be chosen, you can make a fucking choice for yourself, and walk away with dignity. So, let's start by getting some things straight. And here's the thing, I don't want us to use terminology to like self-identify. I don't want when I say people pleaser, you'll be like, "I'm a people pleaser."

• 4:40Sabrina Zohar?

  It's like, "No, no, no, no, no, you might have tendencies." But I wanted to just talk about like the cool girl or guy, right? We hear about all the time. Do you want to know why the cool girl, the cool guy, the nice girl, the nice guy finish last? It's because they're one-dimensional. People find it really sexy when you say no, when you have an opinion, when you push back. People don't want someone that's just always accommodating, doesn't have any needs, because they're not nuanced, they're not complex, and there's no emotional depth. What you want, I want. That becomes really fucking old when the person that you're with is looking for a goddamn adult, not a fucking child that they have to take care of. And I'm not saying you need to be like argumentative. But what I am saying is it's really hot to go, "I don't want to do that. No, that doesn't work for me. I don't like that. This is what I need in a relationship."

• 5:24Sabrina Zohar?

  That just shows that you really know yourself. Because it's really hot when you're like, "I want you in my life, but I don't need you." And I'm getting to make choices about that. Because people pleasing isn't being a good partner. It's not about being kind, it's not about being loving. It's a trauma response. And until we understand that, you're gonna keep confusing self-abandonment with love and thinking, "But I'm doing it, but I'm giving them everything and, you know, I'm just, I'm not asking for a lot." And honestly, what it is, it's, there's a term in psychology, as some of you guys know, called fawning. And so it was coined by therapist Pete Walker, and he describes it as the fourth trauma response, along fight, flight, and freeze. Right? Fight, literally. Flight, leave. Freeze, ooh, and now fawn. So fawning is when you seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others. So you abandon your own needs, your preferences, your boundaries,

• 6:09Sabrina Zohar?

  because somewhere along the way, you learned that having needs was dangerous. So what does Walker say? Walker says that fawn types act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of their needs, rights, preferences, and boundaries. I want you to hear that again. The price of admission is giving up on yourself. And I know for me, I have a narcissistic father and a people pleasing mother. My mom learned, just play small. My mom fawns, that's like her whole baseline. That's why growing up, I learned, oh my god, maybe there is something wrong with me. Like, she's not saying anything, she's not fighting back, she's not bringing it up. Because when you have a narcissist in the home where everything is about them and the world revolves around them, then anything you do is too much.

• 6:52Sabrina Zohar?

  Any need you have is, up, see there I am. And that's where we come up with this, I'm too much and I'm not good enough and all those. Those are core beliefs. And typically, those are developed in childhood. Again, if you grew up with a parent who was emotionally volatile, perhaps narcissistic, unpredictable, you learned the way to keep you safe was to keep them happy. To anticipate their needs, to make yourself small and easy so you don't have any trouble. It worked then. It kept you safe when you were a kid with no other options. But you're not a fucking child anymore. You're an adult now. And that same strategy that was protecting you is actually destroying your relationships because you're hoping that people are gonna choose the version of you that you think they're gonna like. And that's what I mean by, do you know what makes it really sexy when you go out to date? You know what makes somebody call their friends going, fuck, that person was special?

• 7:37Sabrina Zohar?

  Was that they're unique. Right? Like, I have so many friends that they'll go on dates and they're like, I'm looking for just somebody that's really confident in who they are. I want someone quirky and fun. And it's like, that's somebody that's healthy, that wants someone else that's healthy, versus somebody that might be narcissistic. They love that you don't have boundaries. They love that they can manipulate and control you. They love that you're gonna blame yourself and completely shut down and do everything that they need. By the time this comes out, this might be a faux pas, this like last week, but like the Diddy documentary, if anybody's watched it or knows the story, like, poor Cassie, that was the epitome of a fawn response. That girl was fucking, she was groomed. That girl didn't stand a chance with the fucking guy that she was dealing with and the people. A poor thing, my heart goes out to her. But that's what happens.

• 8:21Sabrina Zohar?

  Is that the people, like, we have to remember, people ask all the time, how do narcissists get away with it? How do they get away with it is because we allow it. Somebody comes in grandiose and charming and everything. And we don't set boundaries, we don't say no, we, yep, yep, love it, love it. And then they start the devalue stage, where then they start to be passive aggressive. They start to make comments. And you're sitting there because your self-esteem is low. Oh my god, maybe they're right. But they love me, right? That's why they're doing this. And then comes the discard, when they have no more use for you, because they got what they needed and you're left a fucking shell. And how do we combat that? We come home to ourselves. We set boundaries. We say no. And we see, if that pisses them off, good. They get the fuck out of my face. Because I'm not gonna let you change my mind about how I view myself, just to make you feel better. That's the shit I deal with in my content.

• 9:06Sabrina Zohar?

  That's why I set really firm boundaries. Even in the center, I'm like, you want something? Gotta pay for it. Right? Like, I don't, I don't allow people to tell me who I'm gonna be. Then they're just out. So what does it look like in dating and relationships when you're fawning? You will say yes when you mean to say no. You're pretending to like things you could give a fuck about. Like, if you don't care about sports, stop pretending you care about it. You're suppressing your opinions to avoid conflict, right? You're going along with the plans you don't wanna do. You're not speaking up when something bothers you. You're changing yourself to fit into what they want and what they will like. And you're making yourself smaller to make them more comfortable. You're being the cool girl, the easy partner, the cool guy. You just never rock the boat. But the reality is, you've been lying to yourself this whole entire time. You think this makes you, like, lovable. Right?

• 9:50Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm being easy, I'm being flexible, go with the flow, right? That was the episode. I'm no trouble, that's what somebody wants. But what you're actually doing is, they're not choosing you, they're choosing the performance. They're choosing the version of you that doesn't exist, because you're trying to get them to like you. You're not actually showing up authentically. And when you inevitably cannot keep that up, you can't pretend forever. When you finally express a need, or set a boundary, they're confused. They fell for someone who doesn't complain, who doesn't need anything, who doesn't cause problems. And now, all of a sudden, you have feelings? Who the fuck are you? I'm not saying anyone's right or wrong, but you set yourself up for that. It's not because you're bad or wrong, but because you were never honest about who you are. Because taking up that space feels terrifying. Because someone along the way told you that it was wrong.

• 10:33Sabrina Zohar?

  And now, I get to tell you, it's not. You have permission to fucking be big, take up the space. Again, they don't like it? Good, go find less. So, the research. Studies show that people with anxious attachment are more likely to suppress their needs to maintain connection. They'll accept less than they want, because proximity feels safer than honesty. But here's what the research also shows. Need suppression predicts lower relationship satisfaction over time. So it builds resentment. It guarantees the relationship won't meet your fucking needs because you never told them what your needs were and you're not even being honest with yourself about what your needs are. And what's the cost of that? You're exhausted, constantly performing. You get resentful that they don't see you. You're lonely inside a relationship. And I know that because I used to be like, oh, they choose me, I'm in.

• 11:17Sabrina Zohar?

  And then I was more alone than I was just being alone. You're going to attract people who are comfortable with you not having needs, which is a red flag, by the way. And you never know if they actually love you or just what you do for them. And that's why fawning can be a dangerous place to be. I have people pleased my way through my twenties. You said jump, I said, oh, hi, I remember this one guy, this DJ. He texts me at 2:00 in the fucking morning, come over. Guess who did? Guess who walked 15 blocks or like 10 blocks in New York City alone at 2:00 in the morning and lied to my mother about where I was going? I told her that somebody was outside bringing me something. She was half asleep, she didn't even hear me. I went, slept with him, and then he said, okay, you can go now. And I walked home. Because I thought like, oh, how sexy. Look at this, that we're playing.

• 12:02Sabrina Zohar?

  No, this wasn't role playing. He didn't respect me and I didn't respect myself. And this is exactly what we work on in the Healthy Dating Foundation course. Because most of us don't even realize we're doing this. We think we're being good partners when we're actually just abandoning ourselves. And this course helps you identify your patterns, understand where they came from, and actually start doing something different. So if you're tired of losing yourself in relationships, this is for you. Link in the show notes or sabrina zohar.com. Join today, you get meditations, you get worksheets, you get guided, you get everything you possibly could need and lifetime access. So if you guys want to work with me, still taking clients, you can ask a question. I just need to set the record straight. I do not answer emails asking for free advice. I do not answer DMs. That's like me saying, oh, do you go to work for free? Yeah, you just, you help customers and do things all day. You don't need to get paid, right?

• 12:46Sabrina Zohar?

  And it's like, this is my time, this is my career. So that's the boundary I set. I have so much free content, it's ad nauseam. But if you want more, if you want the rubrics, if you really want everything that you need in order to start to make the changes, if you don't have them, check out the course. And check out all the resources and if not, thanks for being here. All I ask is you just rate and review the show. That's it. That's it. No one's asking. If you want ad free, there is the option for you. If you guys don't want to listen to the ads and if not, thanks for being here. It's a free show. This is a great example. In the past, I would never have done that. I would never have stepped up because I would be like, you're gonna lose people. You're gonna annoy people. You're gonna piss people off. You're gonna get people that don't like you. And it's like, good, because those people would benefit from the fact that I don't have boundaries, that I don't respect myself. And if I don't respect myself, who's going to?

• 13:30Sabrina Zohar?

  Who's gonna stand up for me? Nobody. So don't fucking forget that. So, let's talk about a word you're probably not gonna like.

• 13:39Sabrina Zohar?

  When you're fawning, you're also conflict avoidant and it's killing your relationships. Because a lot of people, I don't want to say anything. I don't want to be too much. I don't want to rock the boat. I don't want to push them away. Let me ask you this. If you telling somebody your needs pushes them away, then what the fuck are you losing besides somebody who doesn't respect you for what it is that you need? If you opening up and telling somebody how you feel sends them running? Good. Let me open the fucking door so that you don't waste any more of my goddamn time. Because me showing up authentically is how we create a safe relationship, not me performing for you to choose me. So, people pleasing and conflict avoidance go hand in hand. If you can't have needs, you definitely can't fight for them, baby. And if you can't fight for them, you can't actually be in a real relationship. Because I know that there's one coach, I don't like to name names, but she's full of shit.

• 14:23Sabrina Zohar?

  And she boasts in her profile, "Seven-year relationship, zero fights." And I said, "Mm-mm, bitch. That's not anything to be proud of." Because then that means no one's speaking up, no one has a need and no one's saying anything. I don't find that like, "Oh my god, you've never had a fight." I'm not saying you should argue, but disagreements, fights, like that's totally real and normal. Conflict, regulate, repair. That is the key here. It's not about perfection. And I think like, I actually had a client that wrote in saying this and it's really real. And she said, "I was dating this guy and when everything was good, was good. The minute we'd have a disagreement, he would say, 'Oh, well, this isn't the right relationship.'" And it's like, that's a fallacy that we've been sold. If you think relationships aren't gonna trigger you, piss you off, you're not gonna have conflict, you're not gonna have any kind of repair, then you're not in a relationship, you're in a performance.

• 15:06Sabrina Zohar?

  Because maybe that's what you were taught in childhood, that any kind of conflict, someone raising their voice meant, "Oh god, I'm gonna get in trouble." But you're not a kid anymore. You're an adult now. You get to use your voice. How are you going to use it?

• 15:18Sabrina Zohar?

  How are you gonna use it? So, conflict avoidance, what does it actually do? Well, it's not fucking helping you. And I know you think avoiding conflict keeps the peace. And you're gonna, "Oh, I'm gonna keep them happy, and I'm gonna protect the relationship." But, let's talk about what research shows, because it shows the exact fucking opposite.

• 15:35Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big. For the small. The short. And the tall. Peacemakers. Risk-takers. For the optimists. Pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts. And extroverts. The thinkers. And the doers. For old friends. And new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  When fall comes back around, there's a sense of a reset. And new pieces from Lululemon's Fall Drop are an inspiration to push your goals and elevate your routines. As your calendar fills, easy-to-layer styles meet the demands of your day. And as you challenge yourself to try even more, versatile sets transition with you. The Lululemon Fall Lineup brings new levels of comfort and confidence, whether you're starting something fresh or starting something over. Check out the latest arrivals in-store and on lululemon.com now.

• 16:34Sabrina Zohar?

  There was a study published in "Frontiers in Psychology", and it found that conflict avoidance, what they call withdrawal, actually triggers more aggression and demand from your partner. So when you withdraw, they escalate. Your avoidance creates the very conflict you were trying to prevent. And notice how I'm not saying it's avoidant attachment? No, because anxious people are also avoidant. And now we know that, right? And both partners end up less satisfied. That's just it. So another study found that couples who avoid conflict have lower relationship satisfaction than couples who engage in it directly. The avoiding isn't protecting anything. It's eroding the foundation. You're not actually helping yourself. And for a lot of people, they do this because it's the same reason we people please. Conflict feels dangerous. It activates your nervous system. Especially if you grew up in a home where conflict meant screaming, violence, abandonment,

• 17:19Sabrina Zohar?

  or the silent treatment. Your body learned that conflict is a threat. So you'll avoid it at all costs. You swallow your feelings. You let things slide. You tell yourself, "God, it's not a big deal." You're gaslighting yourself. "Oh, God, come on." Pick your battles, which is right. But you're not picking your battles. You're forfeiting all of them. Trust me. I have times where I'm like, "Do you wanna choose violence today and fucking rage him?" "No, no, it's not worth it." Versus other times where I'm like, "Bitch, staying silent is only gonna get you to fucking explode." It doesn't help. Because... How is my partner gonna know how to support me if I don't communicate? People constantly say that I want a healthy and secure relationship. Do you know what makes a relationship healthy and secure? That you have the hard conversations. That's what makes it healthy, is that you're not hiding things, you're not fawning, you're not people pleasing, and you're not going back into old patterns. What makes it healthy isn't the absence of conflict.

• 18:04Sabrina Zohar?

  What makes it healthy is the safety to fucking face it head-on together, and to regulate, and then repair, so that you can move on stronger and feeling more seen with this person. And I used to think the opposite. And I get it, even sometimes like, if I make a video where I'm really direct, people be like, "Why are you yelling at me?" And it's like, listen, I don't know if your parents had fucking botox and you didn't see facial expressions. I don't know if in your household, the minute someone raised their voice, you were in trouble, but this isn't anyone yelling at you. This is called being blunt and direct. And when we consistently internalize it of like, "Oh my god, you're being mean." It's like, no, you just didn't learn that people are allowed to have different intonations, it doesn't mean anyone's in trouble. That just means that they're expressing themselves in a different way. Unless I'm being rude and disrespectful, which I'm not, then it's a different story. So, when you avoid conflict, what does that communicate? My needs don't matter.

• 18:49Sabrina Zohar?

  Your comfort is more important than my truth, at all costs. I don't trust you to handle my real feelings, so I'll keep them down. I don't trust us to survive this disagreement, and I'm not fully here. That, I know you might be like, "No, that's not..." No, that's what psychologically it actually is. You avoid conflict to keep them, but avoidance pushes them away. Or, or, you'll get yourself into hot water in a relationship that's incredibly toxic and unhealthy for you because you're not standing up for yourself. Real intimacy requires honesty. Real honesty, it does, it creates friction. It can. If you can't tolerate quick friction, you can't have depth. Because the couples who last aren't the ones who never fight. They're the ones who know how to repair. Who, they can say the hard things and come back together. If you've never had a real fight, you probably never had real intimacy either,

• 19:33Sabrina Zohar?

  because how are you gonna have depth? It's okay for you to disagree. That's okay. You're allowed to go, "No." Right? What does that look like? What does healthy conflict actually look like? Hey, that thing that you said really bothered me. Or, I need to talk about something that's been on my mind. Do you have the space for that? Hey, can I share something with you? I feel hurt when you did that. Or, no, I disagree with you on this. Or, I need something different from you. Can I share that? I know it might feel terrifying if you're conflict avoidant, but they're the building blocks of a real connection. Because how else? Right? I remember when I first went to Ryan, I'll never forget this. I was laying by the pool, and I called my mom. I can't remember, honestly, I can't remember. It's been three years now. I don't remember exactly what the specificity of it was, but I remember there was something that he was doing that I just wasn't stoked on, and it didn't make me feel good.

• 20:18Sabrina Zohar?

  And I called my mama, and I said, "Mom, I'm scared." She said, "Sav, what are you scared of?" And I said, "I'm scared if I say something, he's gonna walk away." And she said, "Well, then, good. Then this wasn't your person." "You have every right..." She said, "He's not your father. You can tell him how you feel." I'll never forget, he FaceTimed me, and I was sitting there, and I was all nervous. And I remember saying it, and just bracing for impact. And he went, "Thank you so much for telling me that. I had no idea." And that really, you're right, that was absolutely inappropriate, and I need to take full accountability and ownership for that. "What is it that you need from me?" And I was like, "My panties drop." I was like, "What? You just validated my experience? You just told me that it's like, what?"

• 20:55Sabrina Zohar?

  And that brought us closer, because then I was like, "Oh, he's safe. I can go to him with things. I can be vulnerable." And then he was, and then that's how our relationship has been. So I'm saying, people all the time will be like, "You told Ryan that?" I'm like, "Yeah." Why wouldn't I? Even my therapist, she's like, "Wow, you're... I appreciate it." She's like, "We don't even have to pretend anything." I was like, "I will tell him everything directly." I will be the first to say, "I'm not gonna stay in a relationship if this doesn't make any sense, or if we realize we're at the end of the road." To me, part of being in a healthy and secure relationship is also knowing it can end. That's what makes it healthy, is that I don't need you in my life. I want you in my life. And if I'm making those choices, what makes it unhealthy is I'm not gonna be okay without them. Notice that. So, let's talk about the willing to leave, because to me, this was the hardest thing for me to accept.

• 21:40Sabrina Zohar?

  Because for me, if I acknowledged that the relationship wasn't working for me, then I also had to acknowledge that I now get to make choices of what it is that I want to do. And if I get to make choices about what it is that I want to do, that was really scary because I never got to do that.

• 21:52Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 22:23Speaker 01

  When fall comes back around, there's a sense of a reset. And new pieces from Lululemon's Fall Drop are an inspiration to push your goals and elevate your routines. As your calendar fills, easy-to-layer styles meet the demands of your day. And as you challenge yourself to try even more, versatile sets transition with you. The Lululemon Fall Lineup brings new levels of comfort and confidence, whether you're starting something fresh or starting something over. Check out the latest arrivals in-store and on lululemon.com now.

• 22:52Sabrina Zohar?

  So there's a concept in sociology called the principle of least interest. And it was developed by sociologist Willard Waller in 1938, and the research has supported it ever since. So, the principle states, in any relationship, the person who is least invested has the most power. This might sound cynical, but like, just bear with me for a second. Sprecher and colleagues did a longitudinal study on this. They found that the less emotionally invested partner perceived themselves as having more control over the relationship. And couples with unequal emotional investment had lower satisfaction and were more likely to break up. So, layman's turn, what the fuck does that mean for you? This is not about playing games. It's not about pretending you don't care. It's not about being emotionally available.

• 23:36Sabrina Zohar?

  It's about this: if you're incapable of leaving, you have no power. It's not power over them, power over yourself, power to protect yourself, power to hold boundaries. So why do you think you can't walk away? Let's talk about that. Be honest. Why can't you leave situations that aren't working? For me, it was really scary. I was terrified of being alone. I was terrified of not finding somebody else. I was terrified of the pain of loss and having to go through that, or being seen as a failure, or the fear of confrontation, or my low self-worth, right? Like, this is all I deserved. My attachment wounds, right? I'd rather be breadcrumb than get nothing. But what happens when you can't leave? Like, really, what does that mean? You'll accept treatment that doesn't match your fucking worth. You'll stay in situationships hoping that they change. You're like, "Maybe, maybe tomorrow."

• 24:20Sabrina Zohar?

  You'll tolerate disrespect, inconsistency, breadcrumbs. You become a hostage to the relationship instead of fucking participant. People sense that you won't leave, and they treat you accordingly. That's why when you guys ask, like, "But they're doing all this and the other, why?" It's like, because you're allowing it. You're allowing it. And we have to look at the energy. It's different than threatening to leave. It's different than being avoidant. It's different than having one foot out the other. It's a quiet knowing. I will leave if this doesn't meet my needs. Not because I don't love you, but because I love myself enough to require certain things. I love myself more than the need to be loved by other people. People feel that energy. They feel when you respect yourself. They feel when you're choosing them versus, "Oh, my God, am I trapped?" And what changes? What changes when you can walk away? You stop accepting breadcrumbs and bullshit.

• 25:04Sabrina Zohar?

  You speak up because you're not afraid of the consequence. You're more afraid of losing yourself. You're honest because you'd rather be alone than with someone who can't handle your fucking truth and your personality. You attract people who rise to meet you instead of people who sense you won't leave. And you're actually chosen instead of just tolerated. This applies to every relationship, whether it be friendship, doesn't matter. You don't stop needing this skill once you're in a committed relationship, because if you can't advocate for yourself in a relationship, you'll slowly disappear inside of one. Being willing to leave doesn't mean you want to leave. It means you're not willing to abandon yourself to stay, and there's a big difference. That's why I say, and I'm honest with you guys, that Ryan and I talk about it all the time. I'm like, "Hey, if this is the end of the road..." That's okay. I'm not gonna hide that from you guys because again, that's what makes this

• 25:49Sabrina Zohar?

  healthy and secure is that both of us are saying every day I make a choice. Every day I'm choosing you. I'm not here because I have to be. I'm not here because there's nothing else. I'm here because I genuinely want to see if we have something here. And that's why Ryan and I are in therapy. And we're trying to figure out, like, do we see emotions the same way? Do we connect in the same ways? Do we have things to connect with over besides work? And we've said, I'm giving it another few months. And like, if I realize, hey, I'm feeling alone in this relationship, I'm just not feeling like we're compatible in that way, that will be two adults that make that decision. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I'm willing to walk if this isn't right for me. Not because I don't love him, but because I love myself more than the need to be. It's like in Samantha, I love you, Richard, but I love me more. It's a really beautiful place to be. And this is the

• 26:33Sabrina Zohar?

  deeper work, right? Understanding why you can't walk away, what beliefs are underneath it, what you're really afraid of. We get into all of this in the Healthy Dating Foundation course. So if you know this is your pattern, but you don't know how to change it, that's what the course is for. So sabrina'sour.com, we're linked in show notes, baby. All right, let's start talking about how to actually start building this muscle. I told you, babies, if you stick around to the end of the episode, you get some tools. So, how do you actually change this? How do you go from someone who can't walk away to somebody who finally can? Well, I am going to give you somewhere to start. But I want to be honest, this is deep work. It's not, this isn't hacking. This is a rewiring of years of patterning. You're not gonna fix this from a podcast episode, but you can start becoming

• 27:13Sabrina Zohar?

  aware to fucking day. So, the first thing, notice when you're self abandoning. Like, most of us don't even realize we're doing it. It's so automatic. And so we have to start to pay attention to the little nuance, right? When do you say yes, but you actually mean no? I did that today. I was supposed to get dinner with someone and I was just like, no, no, I'm not gonna sit in traffic for an hour each way. I'm not gonna fucking do this. I have to be up at 6 a.m. for a thing. Like, I'm not doing it. And I have no problem saying no, even if it disappoints people. Like, what we've said, am I being hurtful or harmful? Am I hurting your feelings? I can afford to do that. Or am I harming myself or you? That's a different story. When do you swallow something that bothered you? You're fucking bubbling, but you're like, just put it, just stop. When do you change your opinion to match theirs? When do you make yourself smaller? Self-awareness is the first step, but

• 27:57Sabrina Zohar?

  you can't change what you can't see. So first, we have to just notice. Second step, now we need to look at the why. What's underneath the hood? It's not about judging yourself, it's about understanding yourself. I want you to ask yourself a couple of questions to start to get really The first one, what am I afraid will happen if I speak up? And it's okay, guys, there's transcripts at the bottom of wherever you listen, Apple's and Spotify and shit, if you want to scroll down. You can stop and journal while we're doing this. You don't have to fucking listen. If you're driving, of course, it's a different story, but feel free. Right? What am I afraid will happen if I speak up? What did I learn about having needs growing up? For me, wasn't safe to. What do I believe will happen if I'm too much? Are they gonna leave me? Right? And what am I trying to protect myself from? The answers are typically like unusually abandonment, rejection, conflict, being alone, dah dah dah dah dah.

• 28:42Sabrina Zohar?

  But once you see the fear, you can start to work with it. And then the third step, which is really important, we gotta start small. You don't have to blow up your relationship tomorrow, but we can start with small acts of honesty. So maybe you say, I'd prefer this, instead of whatever you want. Or you can be like, that bothered me, instead of pretending it didn't. Or, I need some time to think about this, instead of immediately agreeing, right? You're, you could say that. Or, I don't love that idea, instead of just going along with it. I know that these feel huge when you're not used to them, but they're your training wheels. They're just little things that we could start to do. And then, the most important part for me? You gotta start to tolerate the discomfort. When you start being honest, it's gonna feel really weird. Your nervous system is gonna freak out. You're gonna feel like you did something wrong. And you might lose people. That's the thing. But this is where most people stop. The discomfort feels like, proof, see, I shouldn't have spoken up.

• 29:27Sabrina Zohar?

  I knew it, see, they left. And it's like, but then again, what are you losing? The discomfort is not a sign you did something wrong. It's a sign that you did something new. And we don't grow unless we're uncomfortable. You have to tolerate the discomfort long enough to see that nothing bad happens. That's how you rewire. You don't become confident because you have proof that it's gonna work. You become confident because once you do it, you realize you didn't die. And you're like, oh, I got this, dude. So fine. And it's also really important to remember, you're gonna have to lose people that benefited from the versions of you that didn't have any boundaries. That's the important part. And I want you now to watch how they respond. This is important. Because when you start showing up differently, I want you to pay attention to how other people respond. The right person will meet you there. They might be surprised, but they might just need to adjust, but they'll respect it.

• 30:11Sabrina Zohar?

  And they're like, oh, okay, thank you for sharing. The wrong person? They're gonna punish you for having needs. They might withdraw, they might get angry, they're gonna make you feel like you're crazy for asking, they're gonna deflect, they're gonna gaslight, they're not gonna take accountability. And their response tells you everything you need to fucking know about whether this is a relationship that can hold the real you. And that was a reality. That was a reality. When I was trying to change the way I dated, I was rebuilding my self-trust. Evidence that I could advocate for myself, that I could survive their reaction. Evidence that I wouldn't abandon myself no matter what. That's how I got into my relationship. This is what makes you capable of real love. It's not the performance, it's the realness. That's how you can actually connect with people and they feel like they're connecting with you. So, tool of the week, right?

• 30:56Sabrina Zohar?

  I gave you some steps, but let's kind of recap everything. People pleasing and conflict avoidance isn't love. It's a trauma response that keeps you invisible and fawning. Conflict avoidance doesn't protect the relationship, it erodes them. I'm actually wondering if maybe I need to do a series on the different... Let me know if you guys want that. Put it in the comments if you want a series on the different nervous system like fight, flight, freeze, fawn. Your inability to walk away isn't loyalty, it's just keep you from fully being chosen, especially from your fucking self. And the work is learning to stay with yourself, even when it's uncomfortable, even when you're scared, even when you don't know what will happen. That's what makes you capable of the love that you actually want and deserve, is your ability to walk away if you don't get it. So, tool of the week, the self-abandonment check-in.

• 31:40Sabrina Zohar?

  At the end of every day this week, I want you to ask yourself these three questions. Don't skip over them. The first one, did I say yes when I meant to say no today? The second one, did I swallow something that bothered me? And the third, did I change myself to fit what I thought someone wanted? Do not judge the answers, just notice them, write them down. And then, at the end of the week, let's look at the patterns. What situations triggered that self-abandonment? What relationships? What are you afraid of? Awareness, baby, is the first step. You cannot change what you can't see, but we also don't need to use this as excuses and therapy talk to avoid the accountability. So, guys, I'm really proud of you. We did it. Don't forget, if you want to go deeper on this, if you want the actual tools to rewire your patterns, the Healthy Dating Foundation course is open.

• 32:25Sabrina Zohar?

  This is the work. Learning to stay with yourself while also being in connection with someone else. The link is in the show notes, as always, guys. And like I said, if you want to work one-on-one, join a course, ask a question, profile, audit, whatever you guys need, there's some free guides in the link in show notes or sabrinaohard.com. And as always, I'm just grateful for you guys. Don't forget to rate, review the show, share it with a friend. And just thank you for being here. Thank you for being part of the family and I'll see you next week, babes.

• 32:59Speaker 00

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