Most Played Moment: How To ALWAYS Have Great Sex: The Orgasm Queen, Susan Bratton

"Orgasm Queen" Susan Bratton reveals the key to better intimacy: start small, build connection, and bring back the fun. From sexy bucket lists to no-pressure cuddles, her advice will help you reignite desire and deepen your bond. Listen to the full episode here - Spotify - https://g2ul0.app.link/0QJE6LDXHRb Apple - https://g2ul0.app.link/aXHeFbyXHRb Watch the Episodes On YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/c/%20TheDiaryOfACEO/videos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Steven Bartlett?

  What is step one?

• 0:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, step one is often just holding each other. One of the techniques, there, I have these two techniques that come from one of my books. One of my most popular books is a book called Sexual Soulmates. Because sexual soulmates are not out there waiting for you. You co-create your connection with your partner. And even if you've lost that connection, you can have many renozance in your relationship throughout the years. You can come back together and it can be better than ever again. And there are two techniques out of that book that I think are kind of like a foundation. One of them is called the Sexual Soulmate Pact.

• 0:43Speaker 01

  And that pact is an agreement between partners where I can say anything I want to you and you're going to be happy I told you. And you're not going to take it as criticism or you did anything wrong. You're going to be hungry for me to tell you what I have an appetite for, what I want, how I'm feeling. Am I a kitty cat? Do you need to hold me in your arms? Do you need to pet me? Do you need to let me release and calm down and get some things off my chest? Do you just need to provide that holding? Or am I a lioness? Do I want you to ravish me? Do I want to be pounced on? Do you, I want you to carry me to the bedroom and throw me down on the bed

• 1:27Speaker 01

  and rip my clothes off and tell me how gorgeous I am and eat me up? We want those things in that range all the time. But what couples forget is to start with holding and being held. Because when we do that, we generate oxytocin. And the oxytocin is kind of like the antidote to all the cortisol we're pumping out constantly with the kids and the school and the stress and the job and the politics and the, you know, all this crazy stuff. We need to be held and to hold.

• 2:02Steven Bartlett?

  So step one then is have the conversation and step two is to...

• 2:08Steven Bartlett?

  Just hold, essentially, hold each other.

• 2:10Speaker 01

  You don't even need to have a conversation. You can just go crawl into your partner's arms and say, and this is something that I love to teach men. I love to teach men how to run a woman a menu of small offers. So the problem is that they're both feeling, Eliza and her husband are likely both, they're dissatisfied, they feel disconnected.

• 2:29Steven Bartlett?

  They're not speaking about it.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  They're not speaking about it, and she feels like we should be having sex, but we're not. Right? It's the should, I should be having sex, and what is sex? Intercourse. Well, she's not turned on, she hasn't had sex in god knows how long. She's not ready to be penetrated. She needs to get warmed up. You know, it's very, very slow, the female arousal system. And it takes 15, 20, 30 minutes when it's been a long time between lovemaking sessions to get out of your head, into your body, calmed down. Because arousal, it's not, I'm gonna push your buttons and I'm gonna spin your dials, which is what guys try to do.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  They're like, I've got a goal, I gotta give her an orgasm, let's go, I'm full speed ahead. Where in reality, it's, oh, I need to hold her, I need to grab her up in my big, muscly arms, and I need to just let her calm down and

• 3:29Speaker 01

  relax. Remember what she loved about you, and how much she loves you, and how good you smell, and how good you feel, and how safe she feels right in this moment.

• 3:41Steven Bartlett?

  You use the word should. Should is such a

• 3:44Speaker 01

  What did I say?

• 3:45Steven Bartlett?

  Gross. When you were saying, we should be having.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  Right.

• 3:49Steven Bartlett?

  How often, how much harm do you think should does? As in, when I say should, I really mean, it's a social comparison. It's like an external comparison. I've watched this movie, I spoke to my friend, they're doing it this often, they're doing it like this, so we should be doing it like them. How much harm do you think that does?

• 4:06Speaker 01

  Ton.

• 4:06Steven Bartlett?

  I've seen it in all my relationships, I've seen

• 4:08Speaker 01

  Guilt, guilt, guilt.

• 4:09Steven Bartlett?

  Yeah, like the comparison to other people who are just not you. It can do so much harm. And I think in my current relationship, we've basically banned comparison. So we've banned

• 4:19Speaker 01

  Good.

• 4:19Steven Bartlett?

  Each other speaking about our unmet needs through the lens of other people or our past relationships.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  Good.

• 4:25Steven Bartlett?

  And I think it really helps.

• 4:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:27Steven Bartlett?

  You know?

• 4:27Speaker 01

  I do too. I think that if Eliza stopped Feeling guilty and said, okay, I just, I'm just gonna start small. And if her husband, if she said to her husband, I just wanna start small again. I just wanna, let's crawl and then walk and then run back to lovemaking when we can. Let's acknowledge that we're in the time of our relationship when the kids make it really hard. Let's acknowledge that we want to have more intimacy together. And let's start with small offers. And then if he starts saying to her, how about Thursday night? I bring home some Chinese. We get the kids in the bath. We get them in bed. We divide and conquer. We put them down.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  I'll go in, take a quick shower. I'll set up the bedroom. I'll set up the nest. I'll light a candle. I'll lay out some fresh towels. I'll get your favorite lube. I'll put on the sexy playlist that you like. And all I want you to do is relax. There's no pressure to do anything. I won't be mad if we don't have intercourse. What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna hold you. I'm gonna get my hands on you. I'm gonna rub whatever hurts. I'm gonna tell you how much I love you. I'm gonna snuggle you. I might kiss you if you wanna kiss me. We'll see how it goes. No pressure.

• 5:47Steven Bartlett?

  Why? Why no pressure?

• 5:49Speaker 01

  Because if she has pressure, then she's going to feel stressed. And if she feels stressed, she can't get into arousal. As soon as you take the pressure off and let her just see what happens, then her body will go into arousal and connection and feel safe and relaxed. And she'll start to let down and get that turn on going.

• 6:18Steven Bartlett?

  I guess the starting point then, as you said, is the communication part, right? Because that, you can't even get to that point if you're in a situation. I've been in that situation once in my sexual history where it was so awkward that...

• 6:32Steven Bartlett?

  Like it just gets, the awkwardness just compounds. Where you're not even speaking about something.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:37Steven Bartlett?

  And so you're getting in bed.

• 6:38Speaker 01

  It's a hot potato.

• 6:39Steven Bartlett?

  Laying in silence and oh my god, he's thinking about it and I'm thinking about it.

• 6:43Speaker 01

  Right.

• 6:43Steven Bartlett?

  She's thinking about it and I hope he doesn't ask and I'll pretend to sleep and all of that stuff. I've been there.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:49Steven Bartlett?

  And really what broke it was the two things you said. The first thing was you've got to talk about it. And the second thing was removing the pressure.

• 6:56Speaker 01

  Right.

• 6:56Steven Bartlett?

  And the blame.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:57Steven Bartlett?

  And the judgment.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:59Steven Bartlett?

  And if you can get there, and I think much of the reason why people don't want to talk about it sometimes is because they might have a little bit of a risk that if they're honest about how they're feeling, then the other person might leave or they might be mad or they might not hang around long enough for you to fix it together. You know? And also you don't know how to fix it. So it's difficult sometimes in life to say, I've got a problem, but I have no idea what the solution is. You know?

• 7:24Speaker 01

  Yeah. This is one of the reasons that I like erotic playdates so much.

• 7:29Steven Bartlett?

  What's that?

• 7:30Speaker 01

  Erotic playdates are so, alright, I've written hundreds of sex techniques. I've written dozens of communication skills. And what people really want, they don't necessarily just want a technique or a skill. They just want to have fun. They want erotic adventure. I just want to have fun having sex with you. I don't want it to be like, I'm going to be finding your, you know, G-spot or whatever. Like, that's fun. That's fun. That could be one of the things you want to do. That could be one of your erotic playdates. It's like, let's find our G-spot. Let's try this sex toy. Let's do a lingerie photo shoot. Let's have sex on the dining room table when the kids are away. Let's do whatever.

• 8:14Speaker 01

  When you start to think about your sexuality not as, oh, we have to grab a boob and stick it in.

• 8:22Speaker 01

  We have to have intercourse. And when you move away from that and you take the pressure off, you have a lot more intercourse. Because you have, you start having fun. You start trying things. And when you try things, you have new relationship energy. Sex is an equation.

• 8:41Speaker 01

  It is two things. Good sex is, half of it is, safety and security. I trust this person, they're not gonna give me STIs. You know, they're gonna, they're gonna be fun. I like them, they smell good, they taste good. You know, they're, they're gonna be good to have sex with. But if you, you just have that. Boring, you know? It's like, that's the death knell for your sex life is, when it's just safe. Boring, it sounds so boring. So, variety, novelty, erotic adventures, erotic playdates, learning new things together.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  When you have this seat, this foundation of trust and safety and good communication, I can say anything I want to you and you're gonna love me and you're gonna appreciate that I'm telling you what I need all the time. When you have that, and then you add all the novelty. Ooh, did you hear about that heated sex toy? Or that one that blows up in your vagina, inflates? What's that like? Or, oh, let's find your P-spot. Or, let's try this penis ring. Or, whatever it might be. Once you start doing those things, then, not only that, but you have something to look forward to. You're like, okay. So, one of the things that I like to offer people is, is understanding what's on your sex life bucket list.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  So, what I did was, I took 48 of my best sexy ideas, and I made a sex life bucket list with all 48 of them. And then, it's basically this little printout. Here, I'll just give you one.

• 10:21Steven Bartlett?

  For me?

• 10:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:24Steven Bartlett?

  Or for Tim.

• 10:25Speaker 01

  Well, this is for you. So, what's interesting about the sex life bucket list is that, I give you a video and I give you a printout. And if you both do the printout, and you watch the video, and you go through, and I tell you what all 48 ideas are. And then, when you do that, you go, okay, well, these are my As. I definitely wanna do a lingerie photo shoot with you. My Bs are, I mean, I'd find your P-spot with you, and I'm happy to do it, but it wouldn't be like, on my A-list. And, your prostate, your P-spot.

• 10:56Steven Bartlett?

  Is that up your bum?

• 10:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, up your bum.

• 10:58Steven Bartlett?

  Okay.

• 10:58Speaker 01

  And, um, Caesar, it's not for me right now. Never say never, because as you mature, if you think about your sexual development like your personal development, it's just one more thing you're learning, you get better and better and you increment your skills. And so what you used to look at and go, "Why would anybody want to be spanked?" Now you're like, "Oh my God, I want to be spanked."