The Orphic Egg Of Tenga | FILE_05 | Mystery Boys

Duncan Trussell is touring all over! Check out his tour dates at http://duncantrussell.com/tour SPONSORS: If you're struggling with OCD or unrelenting intrusive thoughts, NOCD can help. Book a free 15 minute call to get started: https://nocd.com Don’t sleep on [@ultrapouches ]. New customers get 15% Off with code MYSTERY at http://takeultra.com! #UltraPouches #ad Welcome to Mystery Boys, the podcast from YMH Studios hosted by Kurt Metzger and Duncan Trussell. This week the investigation starts with the Liber Vaccae, an ancient homunculus text tied to forbidden experiments in reality manipulation, transformation, and perception control. From there, the thread connects Knights Templar symbolism to the Mickey Mouse logo, Disney-era control narratives, and the idea that cultural meaning is engineered rather than discovered. The conversation expands into White Lotus method acting as psychological conditioning, Duncan’s Irish right-wing doppelgänger, and Belfast as symbolic escalation in a larger narrative conflict. The boys also dive into Reddit reviews and online discourse around the Tenga Egg and other pocket toys, unpacking anonymous testimonials and consumer psychology. The discussion builds into one world government frameworks, missing-scientist anomalies, and the possibility that modern history is assembled rather than recorded. This is not a conspiracy podcast. This is a mystery appreciation podcast. Mystery Boys Ep. 05 https://www.instagram.com/duncantrussell https://www.instagram.com/kurtmetzgercomedy https://www.instagram.com/mysteryboyspodcast https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:02:27 - MAGAA 00:02:34 - The Mystery Boys Have Life Updates 00:04:03 - Holding In Your Jizz For Power 00:08:29 - New Slur Alert! 00:10:08 - Please Book The Mystery Boys For Riyadh Festival 00:13:46 - Can Someone Be Allergic To Eating Kids? 00:15:16 - Tick Bites Make You Gay 00:16:23 - The Truth About The Zimbabwe Aliens 00:21:34 - Is Kurt Metzgerstein Jewish? 00:24:27 - A Reading From The Liber Vaccae 00:41:58 - Computer Using Human Brain Tissue 00:42:48 - Corrupt Doctor Running Abortion Clinic 00:44:48 - Back To Learning About The Liber Vaccae 00:45:22 - Frank Sinatra's Creepy Side 00:47:34 - Danny Elfman Rabbit Hole 01:00:32 - Kurt's Land Acknowledgement 01:04:04 - The Mysteries Of The K-Pop People 01:05:55 - A Surprise From Miss Bum Bum 01:07:01 - Chun Li Appreciation 01:08:53 - Duncan Teaches Kurt About The Vajankle 01:12:33 - The Ultimate Sex Doll 01:17:36 - Fleshlight Shame 01:29:05 - Mithrus and The Tenga Eggs 01:35:39 - Misgendering The Tenga Egg Reviewer 01:40:51 - Having Sex With My Mom 01:42:58 - Gay Shame Month 01:43:49 - Bottom Fever On Postmates 01:47:06 - The Bottom Doctor, Evan Goldstein 01:50:32 - White Lotus Method Acting 01:54:33 - Mikey Mouse Castration Explanation 01:56:36 - Duncan's Irish Right Wing Doppelganger 01:59:50 - Belfast Is Burning 02:03:11 - We Want A One World Government Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:48Kurt Metzger?

  Oh hello, welcome to the Mystery Boys. I'm Judge Karp Tiberius Mebskarp, and with me as always is Dunkman Chussels.

• 1:00Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, we're back. You know, I've just been sort of enjoying the wealth and power and...

• 1:07Kurt Metzger?

  Buddy, first thing I did with my Mystery Boys money, I got on Timu. I got jewelry, I got the shoes, I got the lug.

• 1:16Duncan Trussell?

  Is that real? I mean, it looks like real gold. That's obviously real gold.

• 1:20Kurt Metzger?

  I don't know, and I don't want to know.

• 1:21Duncan Trussell?

  You don't need to know. It's beautiful though, man. Congratulations. Congratulations.

• 1:26Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, and, oh, shout out to our good friends at Palantir.

• 1:31Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, thank you guys so much for buying us mansions. I've always wanted to live in a mansion, and it's just, like, I honestly, you know, I've read like the hippie shit that living in a mansion won't make you happy. I am so hap- it made me happy.

• 1:45Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, they got you a mansion?

• 1:48Duncan Trussell?

  What'd they get you?

• 1:49Kurt Metzger?

  A nice merch box. With some, uh, there were some hats, uh, some shirts, you know.

• 1:55Duncan Trussell?

  I was doing a bit. They didn't give me, they didn't give me anything.

• 1:58Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, well.

• 1:59Duncan Trussell?

  It was a bit.

• 2:00Kurt Metzger?

  Cause that's not fair, by the way, if they gave you a mansion.

• 2:01Duncan Trussell?

  Nah, they didn't give me a man- a mansion.

• 2:04Kurt Metzger?

  Alright, where you been? You look like you've been having, uh, island hopping or something.

• 2:08Duncan Trussell?

  Not to seem like I'm changing the subject, but I did bring you something I thought you would like.

• 2:13Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 2:14Duncan Trussell?

  Uh, this comedian, very funny comedian, Mimi Benfield, gave me this, and I thought of you right away. Here you go.

• 2:21Kurt Metzger?

  What does it say? Maga. Oh, is she, uh, Muslims and gays are awesome. That, thank you.

• 2:30Duncan Trussell?

  Excuse me.

• 2:31Kurt Metzger?

  Thank you very much, Duncan.

• 2:32Duncan Trussell?

  You're welcome.

• 2:33Kurt Metzger?

  That's going right over the goat.

• 2:34Duncan Trussell?

  Put it on the thing. Yeah, it'll look good. I hope it fits. Let's take a look.

• 2:39Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, let's try her, try her on for a spin.

• 2:44Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 2:47Duncan Trussell?

  Ha ha, represent, represent.

• 2:50Kurt Metzger?

  Now I'm representing.

• 2:52Duncan Trussell?

  Yes. Wow, you know, what a beautiful hiatus. What did you do on your hiatus?

• 2:58Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, well, I worked on the old goon cave. Uh, that, that's an ongoing project.

• 3:03Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah. You mean like where you, uh, where you jerk off?

• 3:07Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, I, I, I consider it more of a tantra.

• 3:11Duncan Trussell?

  Of course, absolutely.

• 3:13Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, more building up your inner power, your real energy.

• 3:16Duncan Trussell?

  A hundred percent.

• 3:17Kurt Metzger?

  You've heard of real?

• 3:18Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 3:19Kurt Metzger?

  Tanner, do you know about real?

• 3:21Speaker 03

  Um, educate me, please. I'm new to this word.

• 3:24Kurt Metzger?

  It's, uh, I think it's your jizz, if I'm not mistaken.

• 3:26Duncan Trussell?

  Is that jizz? Real?

• 3:28Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 3:29Duncan Trussell?

  Or is it the energy within the jizz?

• 3:30Kurt Metzger?

  You know, one thing this show's about is, uh, if we can get everybody to understand that pretty much everything.

• 3:35Duncan Trussell?

  Is jizz.

• 3:36Kurt Metzger?

  Is jizz related, at least.

• 3:37Duncan Trussell?

  A hundred percent.

• 3:38Kurt Metzger?

  So Kevin Bacon is further away from most things than jizz is.

• 3:45Kurt Metzger?

  Um, okay. Did you mean real jizz? No, not.

• 3:50Duncan Trussell?

  Did you mean vril jizz?

• 3:52Kurt Metzger?

  It's chi or brana energy.

• 3:55Duncan Trussell?

  Did you mean vril jizz? I did.

• 3:58Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, vril.

• 4:00Duncan Trussell?

  Okay, you had a harnessing sexual energy in Viking mythos from Reddit. Someone made a video about this. Vril.

• 4:08Kurt Metzger?

  Oh.

• 4:10Duncan Trussell?

  The Vikings, more than almost any other people that actually lived in history. Blah blah.

• 4:17Kurt Metzger?

  Bleep bloop.

• 4:18Duncan Trussell?

  Blah blah. It's so long.

• 4:20Kurt Metzger?

  That's how you know it's gonna end in jizz because he gotta try to lull you to sleep first?

• 4:25Duncan Trussell?

  What do you think about the no fat movement? Like, it sounds like you're more into like the tantric.

• 4:30Kurt Metzger?

  What is a?

• 4:32Duncan Trussell?

  No fat?

• 4:32Kurt Metzger?

  Like a fat upper pussy area?

• 4:34Duncan Trussell?

  No fat. Not. No, yeah, no fat, semen retention. What do you think about that? Holding on to your jizz, not letting it out, building up chi energy by not coming.

• 4:44Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I mean, how you gonna, how you gonna chop a bunch of boards in half if you didn't hold all your jizz in?

• 4:49Duncan Trussell?

  That's what I think.

• 4:50Kurt Metzger?

  Look, that's what all the greats do, okay? And that's how we got rocketry. We've discussed this many times.

• 4:56Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 4:56Kurt Metzger?

  Rocket science, that's half of rocket science.

• 4:58Duncan Trussell?

  Not jerking off.

• 4:59Kurt Metzger?

  No jerking off, but not coming.

• 5:02Duncan Trussell?

  Is it true?

• 5:03Kurt Metzger?

  Jerking off and not, never, always gooning, but never releasing.

• 5:07Duncan Trussell?

  Edging.

• 5:07Kurt Metzger?

  Always edging.

• 5:09Duncan Trussell?

  Never releasing.

• 5:10Kurt Metzger?

  Yes.

• 5:10Duncan Trussell?

  Just edging and edging.

• 5:11Kurt Metzger?

  And it makes you come up with.

• 5:14Duncan Trussell?

  Incredible ideas.

• 5:16Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, now, me, as you know, I've told you, like, I, I always waste my come wishes. I'm never.

• 5:22Duncan Trussell?

  You don't, you don't do sigil magic?

• 5:23Kurt Metzger?

  I just wish for more wishes.

• 5:27Duncan Trussell?

  When you jerk off, you just wish for more wishes? You gotta wish sometimes.

• 5:31Kurt Metzger?

  I'm not harnessing the vril energy is what I'm saying.

• 5:33Duncan Trussell?

  You gotta wish, you gotta do it.

• 5:34Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, man, a single, single job jibbska is not a good, pretty sight.

• 5:38Duncan Trussell?

  Here's a serious question.

• 5:40Kurt Metzger?

  Desolate battlefield of jizz rags across the floor?

• 5:44Duncan Trussell?

  Desolate battlefield of jizz rags?

• 5:47Kurt Metzger?

  Like Antietam?

• 5:48Duncan Trussell?

  Fucking Cormac McCarthy over here.

• 5:51Kurt Metzger?

  That, I bet you that's how they found Cormac McCarthy.

• 5:56Duncan Trussell?

  That's his office.

• 5:57Kurt Metzger?

  His office was.

• 6:03Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, he's off.

• 6:04Duncan Trussell?

  A desolate battlefield stained rags lay like a withered leech upon my typewriter.

• 6:14Kurt Metzger?

  So that Wu-Tang record that just that guy bought.

• 6:19Duncan Trussell?

  What happened to that record?

• 6:21Kurt Metzger?

  Martin Shkreli owns it and he's like the coolest guy. If you look it up, he's one of the coolest people that ever lived.

• 6:26Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, sweet dude, but it is odd that like no, like it worked.

• 6:31Kurt Metzger?

  He thinks it's missing. I think he played it. I think he played it on like a YouTube.

• 6:38Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, I just want to hear what it sounds like. We're making one record and only one guy can have it.

• 6:43Duncan Trussell?

  It's genius. It's just all the tracks you don't want to release. You just sell to a dummy.

• 6:49Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, well, okay. You gotta put Martin Shkreli because I believe that he finally at one point during COVID, he got COVID madness.

• 6:58Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 6:58Kurt Metzger?

  I don't know. I just remember.

• 7:00Duncan Trussell?

  Did he go like?

• 7:00Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, look at it. Did he? No. Wait, why you put in, put in Martin Shkreli? Yeah. Is that the one?

• 7:09Duncan Trussell?

  Martin.

• 7:09Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, it is. Once in time. Okay.

• 7:10Duncan Trussell?

  Shkreli.

• 7:11Kurt Metzger?

  So let's see if we can hear some of it because um. Is this it?

• 7:18Duncan Trussell?

  I thought they didn't release it.

• 7:20Kurt Metzger?

  Well, that's before now it couldn't come. It's like Del Belphine's bathwater, you know?

• 7:25Duncan Trussell?

  Wow, it's like Disclosure.

• 7:28Kurt Metzger?

  This is Final Disclosure. It's been out.

• 7:30Duncan Trussell?

  This is it.

• 7:31Kurt Metzger?

  Can we play it or no? Yeah, we can.

• 7:32Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, there's no way we could play this. Think about just like being the loneliest dude ever. Martin Shkreli sitting in your.

• 7:39Kurt Metzger?

  He's not a lonely dude. He was dating that uh, who's that kinda hot Asian Wall Street influencer chick?

• 7:46Duncan Trussell?

  Let's pull him up. Who's he with?

• 7:47Kurt Metzger?

  The girl, the Asian girl that was talking to the FTX kid.

• 7:50Duncan Trussell?

  He just seems lonely to me.

• 7:52Kurt Metzger?

  No, the guy's doing fine.

• 7:54Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, happy for him.

• 7:55Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, there he is. That's right. Last I heard he was with that bro.

• 7:59Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, congratulations.

• 8:00Kurt Metzger?

  Well, lovely fish head. By the way, I've never said fish head to anyone.

• 8:06Duncan Trussell?

  What does a fish head mean? What do you mean?

• 8:07Kurt Metzger?

  It's a, it's a vile slur.

• 8:09Duncan Trussell?

  Is it a slur?

• 8:10Kurt Metzger?

  But no, so remember that, that, um, who was that chick that got, uh, sexual harassment from an Indian guy that worked there? And he faked her racisms?

• 8:19Duncan Trussell?

  Um.

• 8:20Kurt Metzger?

  You know what I'm talking about?

• 8:22Duncan Trussell?

  No, I don't know that is.

• 8:23Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, well, it turned out, this is, every girl that you know, knows this.

• 8:27Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 8:28Kurt Metzger?

  So she made, so this guy, he wanted to frame his boss for harassing him. And he had her go, "Your ugly fish head wife," because his wife's Asian.

• 8:37Duncan Trussell?

  Oh my god.

• 8:38Kurt Metzger?

  But he made a mistake. This is how they cracked the case, is that no one says that. No one says fish head.

• 8:43Duncan Trussell?

  I've never heard that as a slur.

• 8:45Kurt Metzger?

  Except other Asians about each other.

• 8:46Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, I didn't even know that was a slur. I have to add that to my.

• 8:50Kurt Metzger?

  It was a Chase Bank lady, that's right.

• 8:52Duncan Trussell?

  Slurs.

• 8:53Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah. Um, have you guys heard of fish head as a racial insult to anyone?

• 8:57Speaker 04

  No.

• 8:57Kurt Metzger?

  Never?

• 8:58Duncan Trussell?

  Never heard of it.

• 8:59Speaker 04

  Never heard of it.

• 8:59Duncan Trussell?

  Never heard of it.

• 9:00Kurt Metzger?

  You don't read Wall Street Journal? That's where this was, uh?

• 9:03Speaker 04

  More of a New York Times gal.

• 9:04Kurt Metzger?

  I was, the Times covered it. It's a big story.

• 9:07Duncan Trussell?

  I had no idea. Can we look up fish head as a slur?

• 9:10Kurt Metzger?

  Can we see what, uh, this chick looked like? And she goes, "Yeah, just, let's, can we see what he wrote?" Because I think that's, there you go.

• 9:17Duncan Trussell?

  It's a, it's a offensive and disparaging ethnic slur used to refer to people of Southeast Asian descent. Because of its derogatory nature, using.

• 9:25Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, there's a list of ethnic slurs?

• 9:27Duncan Trussell?

  Directing this term. Yeah, let's look up a list of slurs.

• 9:29Speaker 03

  Have you seen this, Kurt?

• 9:30Kurt Metzger?

  No, I've been meaning to look at it.

• 9:32Speaker 03

  Oh, welcome.

• 9:34Kurt Metzger?

  Let's see, uh.

• 9:35Duncan Trussell?

  Half?

• 9:36Kurt Metzger?

  Well, what is a Benny we, Ben A we?

• 9:40Duncan Trussell?

  Blue gum.

• 9:42Kurt Metzger?

  I've heard that.

• 9:43Duncan Trussell?

  I've never heard that. Boogie?

• 9:44Kurt Metzger?

  I think that's a, I've heard that.

• 9:46Duncan Trussell?

  Never heard it.

• 9:47Kurt Metzger?

  A buck? Yeah, wait, uh.

• 9:50Duncan Trussell?

  Burr head.

• 9:51Kurt Metzger?

  These are weak.

• 9:53Duncan Trussell?

  Never heard that either.

• 9:55Kurt Metzger?

  A ga, oh, a gamut? What? A fuzzy wuzzy?

• 10:00Duncan Trussell?

  How is that a slur?

• 10:02Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, this is, um.

• 10:03Duncan Trussell?

  Commonwealth.

• 10:04Kurt Metzger?

  They call them, you know, this guy at Mothership is a comic. His name's Fuzzy. He's, he's a Southeast, he's actually a fish head, I think.

• 10:10Duncan Trussell?

  It's a term of endearment.

• 10:12Speaker 03

  He's Pakistani.

• 10:13Kurt Metzger?

  That's a fish head.

• 10:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:15Kurt Metzger?

  Okay. We're, look, I'm not advocating this fish head thing. I'm just, I'm always amazed when I hear other people's.

• 10:24Duncan Trussell?

  You did a slur.

• 10:25Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, sure. Will I be, do you think my petition to be in the Real Comedy Festival, it will affect it?

• 10:31Duncan Trussell?

  Yes.

• 10:32Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, by the way, I'd like to fill this out there on the number one trending podcast on Spotify. Would love to go to Real Comedy. I would love to and be given the chance to apologize for America on foreign soil.

• 10:43Duncan Trussell?

  Hundred percent.

• 10:43Kurt Metzger?

  For being a bad friend.

• 10:45Duncan Trussell?

  Yep. Guys, book us.

• 10:47Kurt Metzger?

  I will bring up the other thing that Tim brought up.

• 10:50Duncan Trussell?

  What? What other thing?

• 10:51Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I can't even remember. I know we, they eat kids here, so I'm not gonna hold it against you if you want to hold a Filipino in your basement. Hey, you keep a couple of fish heads in your basement. It's not like you ate them, you know?

• 11:03Duncan Trussell?

  Here's a mystery nobody talks about, your own brain. Do you even have one? Have you ever gotten an MRI to check? One minute you're fine, and the next, your mind serves up a thought so dark, so out of nowhere, that you don't even know where it came from. What if I hurt someone I love? What if that sensation means something is seriously wrong with me? What if I'm not the person I think I am? These examples are amazing, but for me, it's more like, what if I throw hot coffee in this baby's face? For millions, that loop isn't just anxiety or overthinking, it can actually be OCD. Not the organizing stereotype. Real OCD is persistent, unwanted, intrusive thoughts that feel totally out of character.

• 11:44Duncan Trussell?

  But it doesn't have to be that way. OCD is highly treatable with the right kind of specialized therapy. OCD needs ERP or Exposure and Response Prevention, which has proven to be the most effective treatment. And that's where NOCD comes in. NOCD is the world's leading provider of OCD treatment. All their licensed therapists specialize in ERP therapy and will help you learn to take the power away from intrusive thoughts in live, face-to-face, virtual sessions. If any of this sounds familiar, visit nocd.com to book a free 15-minute call.

• 12:20Duncan Trussell?

  That's nocd.com. You know what sucks? Waking up in the morning and the first thing you do is reach for your fucking nicotine pouches. You're like some horrible lab rat. Pressing that nicotine lever, humiliated by your own addiction. Pathetic, terrible, a curse unto the earth and judged by God. If you're like that, you should look into Ultra pouches. These pouches are completely nicotine free and caffeine free. Ultra teamed up with neuroscientists to create pouches using nootropics and adaptogens for focus and energy. They included Infinity PX for a smooth boost, L-theanine for calm attentiveness,

• 13:04Duncan Trussell?

  Alpha GPC for mental processing, and vitamins B6 and B12 for balanced energy and mood. These plant-powered pouches sharpen your mind and lift your energy without any crash. It also, I mean, they probably don't want me to say this, but it gives you this cool buzz. It's, I don't, I actually didn't even look into what chemicals are in them. Theanine I like, it gives me crazy dreams where I keep going back to the shopping mall. But it makes you feel really good, so you should try them.

• 13:36Duncan Trussell?

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• 14:08Kurt Metzger?

  So, I mean, I feel bad pointing fingers at other people when it turns out they eat the kids.

• 14:12Duncan Trussell?

  You think there's somebody who's allergic to kids?

• 14:18Duncan Trussell?

  You think there's somebody who's like, finally, like I'm gonna eat a kid, live forever.

• 14:22Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, Bill Maher, I think Bill Maher is allergic to kids.

• 14:24Duncan Trussell?

  Allergic to kids, that's gotta suck.

• 14:26Kurt Metzger?

  Whatever you ever heard about Bill Maher, you didn't hear that about him. In fact, it's pretty universally known that he is really anti-kid. In all the worst and best ways.

• 14:36Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, my God, good news, you cannot develop an allergy to human meat. That's great. How is, why? Oh, because human tissue does not contain alpha gal, the specifics. You know, almost that would point to like.

• 14:51Kurt Metzger?

  When a tick bite causes red meat allergy. Oh, yeah. So you know, they made those dicks. I, I can't even believe it's even a debate.

• 14:57Duncan Trussell?

  Dude, I'm dying to hear.

• 14:58Kurt Metzger?

  They brag about it. We, we, it's on Jimmy Dore. You go watch it. They, they, watch these two scientists like, you know, you could have a tick.

• 15:04Duncan Trussell?

  No, break it down though, man. Cause I've, I, I've seen like pictures of like people finding boxes of ticks, but I haven't been following it at all.

• 15:12Kurt Metzger?

  I don't either. It's gross. Listen, I don't want to talk about gross shit like ticks that turn you into a, into a gay.

• 15:20Duncan Trussell?

  I don't think it turns you gay. I think it.

• 15:22Kurt Metzger?

  Turns you into Sam Bankman Freed at best.

• 15:26Kurt Metzger?

  Okay. That's, he's not gay.

• 15:27Duncan Trussell?

  Meat allergy. That make you gay?

• 15:29Kurt Metzger?

  No, he took a thing called M Sam. That was his whack, whackadoodle drug he was on while he's, I mean, his plan would have worked. Credit to him. And then, uh.

• 15:38Duncan Trussell?

  Look, while it's impossible for a tick bite to change your sexual orientation.

• 15:42Kurt Metzger?

  Maybe you haven't met the right tick.

• 15:48Kurt Metzger?

  Honey, you're.

• 15:49Duncan Trussell?

  Alpha galsidrop. And I know this is that didn't somebody at the, um, World Health Organization or what's that meeting of the Illuminati that they have that everyone freaks out about? He did say, one way that we can keep people from eating so much meat is by infecting them with alpha gal.

• 16:06Kurt Metzger?

  By the way, the eating of meat has not affected anything. It's literally no problem with it. The carbon, again, all the big, the, the soyans, the 97% of scientists thing by PCC. Had to walk back all that shit. Cause remember they predicted what was gonna happen and none of it fucking happened. So they're dumber than religious kooks who predict the end of the world.

• 16:26Duncan Trussell?

  It is a religion though. You could argue it's a religion.

• 16:29Kurt Metzger?

  Right. And that's why the mystery of why climatologists, which is not a real thing and meteorologists don't agree because one uses computer models.

• 16:37Duncan Trussell?

  Right.

• 16:37Kurt Metzger?

  And, and I don't know this idea of hallucinating the, the answers, but it's been a problem for a while. It turns out.

• 16:42Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, right.

• 16:43Kurt Metzger?

  And that's how you know which alien shit's fucking fake. Cause when they landed the Zimbabwe in the Rhodesian school. Zimbabwe school and then tell the kids not to pollute. I think that's a that should let you know they tested something out on some kids in Zimbabwe. Not that aliens chose Zimbabwe. The the they go, where can we go and test out our psychotronic bullshit? Oh, on Zimbabwe kids. If you if the aliens tell you environmentalism, that's how you know it wasn't no aliens.

• 17:12Duncan Trussell?

  Right, it does seem ridiculous that you would go to a school in Zimbabwe.

• 17:17Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, famed Satanist Jacques Vallée said to Joe. Children in Zimbabwe, well, not the whole thing, but let's just see a little bit of his French voice.

• 17:25Speaker 05

  There's no way that a mass landing with the sheer volume of eyewitness testimony at a school.

• 17:32Kurt Metzger?

  Get to the Frenchman.

• 17:34Speaker 05

  On just that case.

• 17:35Kurt Metzger?

  I don't need Mr. Respectable.

• 17:36Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, where's Vallée, is he on?

• 17:38Kurt Metzger?

  The vagina incident over here, respectability.

• 17:41Duncan Trussell?

  He's not even on this. Oh, there he is.

• 17:43Kurt Metzger?

  By the way, again, that guy, the vagina incident guy, that's the first guy. He's leaving out all the fucking occult shit in the area. And the fact that nobody said a ship came out of the sky, they said it came out of the ground.

• 17:55Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 17:55Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, and there was also, and this is when we get to Tanner's beautiful reading of the Lieberwecker.

• 18:01Duncan Trussell?

  I can't wait.

• 18:02Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, I bet it has something to do with what they saw. Okay, go ahead. Let's look at this old French Luciferian.

• 18:07Speaker 06

  There is more. This is not, should not be looked at specifically as a threat. I mean, with with the phenomena that we observe, I mean, if they wanted to blow up those F-18s, they could do it.

• 18:20Kurt Metzger?

  Well, you're right. I'm gonna stop the Frenchy right here. Um, if they wanted to, if the aliens wanted to, they could have destroyed us. Well, maybe they want to feed on your kids.

• 18:30Duncan Trussell?

  That's right.

• 18:31Kurt Metzger?

  At a beef jerky party.

• 18:32Duncan Trussell?

  I mean, that is.

• 18:32Kurt Metzger?

  Maybe they don't want to kill all of us.

• 18:33Duncan Trussell?

  That's such a good point.

• 18:34Kurt Metzger?

  Get something out of you.

• 18:35Duncan Trussell?

  The the the assumption that these advanced entities are so dumb that the way they're going to attack us is by blowing shit up. And not by leeching off our energy, or even worse, trapping us in some kind of prison.

• 18:50Kurt Metzger?

  Infiltrating all of your royalty that still rules over you, and that's why there are nobles and shit.

• 18:55Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 18:56Kurt Metzger?

  We still have those. Why? Because they think they have, I'm not making this up, they think they have dragon blood. If you take all their lineage back, it's always, I'm from Orpheus, pen dragon, that's the sort of dragon. They're all serpent. They're all serpent race. Yep. Uh, so, oh yeah, play the rest of Jacques. I interrupted.

• 19:15Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, yeah, Jacques, let's play him. They would blow up our shit. If they wanted to, they blow up our shit.

• 19:21Kurt Metzger?

  The servant of Apollo here.

• 19:22Speaker 06

  That's not what it's all about. And this idea of just labeling it all as a, as a threat because it's unknown, that's, that's a wrong idea. Ninety percent of information comes from the public, comes from children, comes, and very, very little of it is made up. You know, in France, I mean, the, the data would, we get-

• 19:44Duncan Trussell?

  Thanks for sticking up for the UFOs.

• 19:46Speaker 06

  Space agency comes through channels where if people reported something that's found to be untrue, they are going to be called by the police.

• 19:55Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, he's saying there's no such thing as stranger danger if I'm not-

• 19:59Duncan Trussell?

  That is what he's saying.

• 20:00Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, it's mostly children reporting it? You don't, you don't believe the words of children? Oh, dear God.

• 20:05Duncan Trussell?

  Why, why are you assuming? Like, I, I'm sick of it, dude. I'll be honest, man. I'm actually like completely done with the UFO thing. I've never been more, I think everyone's annoyed with getting edged out by the UFO people.

• 20:17Kurt Metzger?

  It's just a weird time to bring it up, you know? It's a weird time to bring it up.

• 20:22Duncan Trussell?

  And why don't we address this right away? Cause some people are claiming I'm your handler. Can we, can we talk about that? We already talked about that.

• 20:28Kurt Metzger?

  My Chelsea handler.

• 20:30Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, like fun handler.

• 20:33Kurt Metzger?

  Meaning a lot of laughs and a lot of learning.

• 20:36Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, a lot of learning. And that's what people look for in comedy.

• 20:38Kurt Metzger?

  A lot of no racism and-

• 20:41Duncan Trussell?

  Right.

• 20:41Kurt Metzger?

  What's it say again?

• 20:42Duncan Trussell?

  It says-

• 20:43Kurt Metzger?

  Make AIDS gay again, you assholes.

• 20:46Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 20:48Duncan Trussell?

  What does it really say? Why don't you just say it out loud?

• 20:50Kurt Metzger?

  I don't remember.

• 20:51Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 20:52Kurt Metzger?

  What is it? Muslims-

• 20:53Duncan Trussell?

  Muslims and gays are awesome.

• 20:57Kurt Metzger?

  Oh. I don't know if I agree with that. I, I told you I'm, I-

• 21:03Duncan Trussell?

  It's a sweeping statement.

• 21:05Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I, I'm a hardcore Zionist and I've made that known.

• 21:10Duncan Trussell?

  Everyone knows that about you.

• 21:11Kurt Metzger?

  No, I like the gay part. I do like that.

• 21:12Duncan Trussell?

  I do gotta ask you though, man, why are you such a Zionist? Like, you know, I, I've got nothing against the people of Israel, but sometimes I feel like Zionists-

• 21:20Kurt Metzger?

  Is that what that means?

• 21:22Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 21:23Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, I thought it was like The Matrix or something.

• 21:26Duncan Trussell?

  No, is that?

• 21:27Kurt Metzger?

  I've no, I, I, I mean Zionist isn't an under, underground Satanist raver in the future in Matrix Part Two.

• 21:35Duncan Trussell?

  No, no, no, you're, no, no, no, no, no.

• 21:38Kurt Metzger?

  I'm at a Borberite Festival going on inside the-

• 21:41Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, Borberite, but no, man, no. But you do love Israel. You talk about it all the time. I've been to your house.

• 21:48Kurt Metzger?

  Um, well, I know, because people try to like, uh, I don't come at me about that.

• 21:52Duncan Trussell?

  I have nothing against Israel. You just seem like really fixated on it and-

• 21:57Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, people call me a Jew a lot.

• 21:59Duncan Trussell?

  Are you?

• 22:00Kurt Metzger?

  Um, I, remember the guy from R E M and they go, are you gay? And he goes, I like to be ambiguous about if I'm gay or straight.

• 22:10Kurt Metzger?

  I'm like the guy from R E M with my Judaism.

• 22:15Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I don't know. Am I a Jew?

• 22:19Kurt Metzger?

  I am dressed like a, a kid that just had his mind blown at his bar mitzvah by a breakdancer.

• 22:23Duncan Trussell?

  You know.

• 22:27Kurt Metzger?

  No, I told you I was a Jehovah's Witness.

• 22:29Duncan Trussell?

  I think this will make you like me more, um, I never told you this. I don't think I did. You know, my grandfather was Jewish.

• 22:36Kurt Metzger?

  Which one?

• 22:38Duncan Trussell?

  What do you mean?

• 22:39Kurt Metzger?

  Which one? Don't lie to me.

• 22:42Duncan Trussell?

  On my, uh, on my mom's side.

• 22:46Kurt Metzger?

  Okay. Wait, so is your mom Jewish?

• 22:48Duncan Trussell?

  No, you don't get to, it's matriarchal. You don't get to be Jewish if it's your grandfather.

• 22:52Kurt Metzger?

  Right.

• 22:53Duncan Trussell?

  My grandmother would have been Jewish.

• 22:54Kurt Metzger?

  That's why Chelsea Handler, God rest her soul, is not.

• 22:57Duncan Trussell?

  God bless her.

• 22:59Kurt Metzger?

  She fought the good fight.

• 23:00Duncan Trussell?

  She really did, man.

• 23:01Kurt Metzger?

  It was actually, it was the COVID booster that got her. That's the thing I-

• 23:04Duncan Trussell?

  Is that what did it?

• 23:05Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah. She was getting ready. Do you remember when she was-

• 23:08Duncan Trussell?

  I just, I just want to say this. I think it's really rude that a lot of you guys are saying that she OD'd on a combination of MDMA and GHB when we all know it was the COVID vaccine.

• 23:19Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, I thought she ended up getting an enlarged co-

• 23:22Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, enlarged syndrome. It takes a lot of people out, E C S.

• 23:26Kurt Metzger?

  Gyno carditis.

• 23:28Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 23:30Kurt Metzger?

  It was like-

• 23:31Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 23:31Kurt Metzger?

  Myocarditis, but it's gyno.

• 23:35Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 23:36Kurt Metzger?

  She got gyno carditis from the booster.

• 23:40Kurt Metzger?

  It's not good for you.

• 23:41Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, my God.

• 23:42Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, the booster maybe, maybe not, but like an enlarged No, it was real bad for you.

• 23:46Duncan Trussell?

  It's terrible, too. That's a horrible thing when that happens. You get your Stuck in your zipper.

• 23:51Kurt Metzger?

  I, you know, I don't want to bring it up.

• 23:54Duncan Trussell?

  You know how horrible that is? How hard it is to get like a clitoris out of a zipper?

• 23:58Kurt Metzger?

  Mm hmm. Well, I read her book. I, uh, I lost my

• 24:04Kurt Metzger?

  Have you read any of her books?

• 24:07Duncan Trussell?

  Have I read her books? Are you fucking kidding? I read them every night to my kids. It's the only books I read.

• 24:13Kurt Metzger?

  I learned about sex the Zimbabwe by Chelsea Handler.

• 24:19Duncan Trussell?

  Rest in peace, man. That's so sad.

• 24:22Kurt Metzger?

  I read both of her books. Sudan my face.

• 24:25Duncan Trussell?

  Love that one.

• 24:25Kurt Metzger?

  Cameroon by tits and, uh,

• 24:27Duncan Trussell?

  So good.

• 24:29Kurt Metzger?

  Box one of my asshole, I believe it was.

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• 25:27Kurt Metzger?

  So Greg Garwood, when I did the Danny Jones program.

• 25:30Duncan Trussell?

  Yes.

• 25:31Kurt Metzger?

  We went to go eat and Greg Garwood had Higher Side Chats, which is a great

• 25:35Duncan Trussell?

  Great.

• 25:36Kurt Metzger?

  Great YouTube channel. And he sent me some excerpts from this thing called The Liber Vaccae, which is The Book of Cows.

• 25:45Duncan Trussell?

  Book of Cows, sounds great, like a farming book or something.

• 25:48Kurt Metzger?

  Well, you're Mr. Hands, uh,

• 25:52Kurt Metzger?

  You know, because it reminded me that Mr. Hands thing. You know, uh, Seattle, where's that Mr. Hands in Washington?

• 25:58Duncan Trussell?

  I don't know where it happened.

• 26:00Kurt Metzger?

  It was Washington, which is the number one capital bestiality in, uh, America.

• 26:03Duncan Trussell?

  Are you?

• 26:04Kurt Metzger?

  That's exactly right. Don't ask me how I know. Don't even ask how I know that. You don't even wanna know.

• 26:10Duncan Trussell?

  Who does the poll? Like, who's studying that?

• 26:13Kurt Metzger?

  Well, Mr. Hands came to him. Like, it's like number one, and it follows logically. It's number one in sex tourism. In animal sex tourism, such as Mr. Hands, because it has the most bestiality. So.

• 26:25Duncan Trussell?

  It seems like you can find animals anywhere, though. Like, why do you need to travel there to fuck an animal?

• 26:30Kurt Metzger?

  Well, my guess is there's an infrastructure of it for quite some time, but.

• 26:32Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, okay.

• 26:34Kurt Metzger?

  Anyway. Uh.

• 26:35Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, my god.

• 26:36Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, I don't know how you get, what do you get into town? You gotta like, you can't just like, uh, punch that into your.

• 26:42Duncan Trussell?

  Petting zoos.

• 26:43Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 26:44Duncan Trussell?

  Adult petting zoos.

• 26:44Kurt Metzger?

  A gentleman's zoo.

• 26:46Duncan Trussell?

  A gentleman's zoo?

• 26:48Kurt Metzger?

  Have you ever been to a gentleman, a gentleman zoo?

• 26:54Kurt Metzger?

  I'd like to try, uh, reverse Noah's Ark tonight, if you know what I'm saying.

• 26:58Duncan Trussell?

  Ah.

• 26:59Kurt Metzger?

  I wanna be inside two of every animal. Do I have to spell it out? I thought this was Washington. Don't make me come out and say it. Uh. Uh, this is a dumb joke, but is Noah Jewish?

• 27:14Duncan Trussell?

  I don't know.

• 27:15Kurt Metzger?

  Well, his last name is Zark, so probably.

• 27:19Kurt Metzger?

  Do you know the Zarks?

• 27:20Duncan Trussell?

  Noah's Ark? That's so fucking.

• 27:24Kurt Metzger?

  Just trying to lighten up the bestiality. So, uh, the Libra Vayne is a hideous. Okay, so Greg said to me, and I think I texted it to you immediately, you were buying a hat or something, right? Which, by the way, looks great. I don't know if I mentioned. Don't let anybody tell you you're not pulling it off, cuz you are.

• 27:43Duncan Trussell?

  No one's even said that. Like, I'm sure people are gonna love this. Yeah.

• 27:46Kurt Metzger?

  I love it. I, honest to God, like, I can't believe how much I'm into it.

• 27:49Duncan Trussell?

  This is my hair.

• 27:51Kurt Metzger?

  Well.

• 27:52Duncan Trussell?

  Do you know how long it took me to grow this?

• 27:54Kurt Metzger?

  I would've never thought I liked a braid like that.

• 27:55Duncan Trussell?

  So it's this new hair transplant stuff they're doing. They take your ass hair, and I had to grow my ass hair. How long?

• 28:03Kurt Metzger?

  You, what are you, a horse? How do you have a pony-like ass?

• 28:07Duncan Trussell?

  Isn't that amazing? It wa-

• 28:09Kurt Metzger?

  Are you from Seattle?

• 28:13Duncan Trussell?

  No, this is my ass hair.

• 28:15Kurt Metzger?

  Wow.

• 28:16Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 28:17Kurt Metzger?

  Um, well, you've been putting it in your mouth quite a lot.

• 28:19Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, why not?

• 28:20Kurt Metzger?

  Um, well, I guess it it ties into what we're talking.

• 28:25Duncan Trussell?

  It does, kinda.

• 28:28Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, so I so I go, so I didn't want to read this thing out loud. So I go, Tanner, I'm not reading this to you. You're too young. So I had him read it. Tanner, you just would you let's let's let Tanner read the uh.

• 28:40Duncan Trussell?

  God, it would be amazing, too, if like we can get some like nice, I don't know, saxophone music under this.

• 28:46Kurt Metzger?

  We'll we'll lay that track down later. Go ahead. Okay, Tanner, just read it how you read it to me before.

• 28:51Speaker 03

  All right. The deadly cow hybrid. A slightly different version of the cow ritual appears in Aibin Washeya's Kitab al-Sumum, The Book of Poisons. This text frames the act as a way to create an assassin-like monster. The act. The operator must first emotionally tame the cow by starving it, then hand-feeding and caressing it until wildness and aversion are removed. A dough is made from human blood, oil, and pure wheat flour. The operator anoints their penis with rose oil made bitter with cypress, which specifically prevents the cow's womb from ejecting the foreign material, and begins copulating.

• 29:36Speaker 03

  During intercourse.

• 29:37Kurt Metzger?

  Copulating.

• 29:38Duncan Trussell?

  Sorry, sorry. Let him say it the way he wants.

• 29:40Speaker 03

  I'm learning, I'm learning.

• 29:41Duncan Trussell?

  Fucking grammar police over here.

• 29:43Kurt Metzger?

  I'm copulating with this.

• 29:45Duncan Trussell?

  It's hard to copulate with this.

• 29:48Speaker 03

  And begins copulating.

• 29:51Duncan Trussell?

  Thank you.

• 29:52Speaker 03

  You're welcome. During intercourse, the operator repeatedly withdraws to push the blood-infused dough deep into the womb, eventually ejaculating fully. The incubation. The cow is kept in the dark and given water mixed with wine.

• 30:08Kurt Metzger?

  What?

• 30:08Duncan Trussell?

  That's sweet.

• 30:09Speaker 03

  The life form. Once the cow gives birth, a powder of zinc, red oil, silver, cadmium, and pulverized.

• 30:17Duncan Trussell?

  I'm sorry, it's actually in case someone watching wants to try this, it's red soil.

• 30:21Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 30:22Duncan Trussell?

  You said red oil.

• 30:23Speaker 03

  Oh, might be. Red soil, silver cadmium, and pulverized.

• 30:29Speaker 03

  Earth and where is fanned over the newborn. The resulting mother or monster has a tall, wild, human head and a delicate tail located directly on its face.

• 30:39Kurt Metzger?

  Wait a minute, what about a braid made of its own ass hair?

• 30:42Speaker 03

  This could be true.

• 30:43Duncan Trussell?

  Come on.

• 30:44Speaker 03

  It has four cow-like legs, but only two of them have hooves. The creature becomes violently agitated if it smells wine.

• 30:53Kurt Metzger?

  That's what sets it off?

• 30:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, according to. And seven days after its birth, its gaze becomes cursed, instantly killing anyone who looks at it.

• 31:02Kurt Metzger?

  I'm not gonna have a great day just hearing about it.

• 31:05Duncan Trussell?

  It's cra-.

• 31:07Kurt Metzger?

  But wait, this isn't the part, where's the part, oh, okay.

• 31:10Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 31:10Kurt Metzger?

  But where's the part where you, you picked up on this with the, uh, the stone? Oh, there we go, okay.

• 31:15Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 31:15Kurt Metzger?

  This is, we'll try a different recipe, that one sucks, I don't like it.

• 31:20Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, you don't like that?

• 31:20Kurt Metzger?

  Cause you're just making a ca- okay, so it's a mouth-formed, oh, cow-man assassin, but the way it kills is someone just sees it and they drop dead? From the horrible thing you did, I mean, it's like, there's gotta be a better way.

• 31:33Duncan Trussell?

  There's gotta be a better way.

• 31:35Speaker 03

  Okay, here we go.

• 31:36Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, I'm not gonna pick a cow assassin, it's just lame.

• 31:38Speaker 03

  There's a new one, you wanna try the new, we can, I can show you how to make a new one.

• 31:40Kurt Metzger?

  It sounds like you're a depression and, and degre- I mean, come on, it's not a assassin.

• 31:45Speaker 03

  This is to make the ape.

• 31:46Kurt Metzger?

  The ape homunculus.

• 31:47Speaker 03

  The ape homunculus, yes. This operation from the Libre Vacay requires the practitioner to copulate with a female ape exactly at the hour of the sun's descent.

• 31:58Duncan Trussell?

  The very top, right there.

• 31:59Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, I'm sorry, okay.

• 32:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:00Duncan Trussell?

  Copulate with a female ape exactly at the hour of the sun's descent, which is always the best time to fuck an ape.

• 32:05Kurt Metzger?

  A sunset, so you have at least a nice sunset to look at.

• 32:07Duncan Trussell?

  Well, they get horny when the sun goes down.

• 32:10Speaker 03

  Ape stew?

• 32:10Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 32:12Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 32:13Speaker 03

  The act.

• 32:13Kurt Metzger?

  What kind of ape, okay?

• 32:15Duncan Trussell?

  All kinds, it's crazy, they just love it when the sun's going down, they love to see that dick.

• 32:20Speaker 03

  The act. The practitioner must prepare their semen by mixing it with a glowing sunstone. And the gallbladder of a white hawk.

• 32:29Kurt Metzger?

  Now, after you read that, what did you say to me, Tanner?

• 32:32Speaker 03

  Um, in Pokemon, you have to...

• 32:35Duncan Trussell?

  No! We're not going back to Pokemon!

• 32:40Speaker 03

  If you want to evolve your Pokemon.

• 32:42Kurt Metzger?

  He was reading this awful thing and he goes, "Oh, this is like Pokemon." I go, "What?" Don't, don't, don't get...

• 32:49Speaker 03

  This also, it's also, uh, ties into Goat Simulator 3. If you want to make like a cow-goat hybrid, you have to find the sunstone.

• 32:57Duncan Trussell?

  Are you fucking kidding me?

• 32:59Speaker 03

  I swear.

• 33:00Duncan Trussell?

  Goat Simulator 3 somehow is inspired by this obscure bestiality grimoire?

• 33:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:07Kurt Metzger?

  Boy, these Japs and, uh, Swedes do their research, uh...

• 33:11Duncan Trussell?

  Ew! Let's keep going, though. I want to hear. Like, we gotta, what's, what does this do?

• 33:16Speaker 03

  So, you gotta mix your semen with the sunstone, with the powder of the sunstone.

• 33:20Kurt Metzger?

  I don't think I should've said Japs. You better cut that.

• 33:22Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, we'll take...

• 33:23Duncan Trussell?

  Did you say Japs?

• 33:24Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, I meant to say fish head, sorry.

• 33:26Speaker 03

  Okay, here we go. Um, so after mixing, you come with the glow stone, with the glowing sunstone and the gallbladder of a white hawk.

• 33:33Duncan Trussell?

  Fuck.

• 33:33Speaker 03

  And then after penetrating the ape,

• 33:35Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, gosh.

• 33:36Speaker 03

  The practitioner smears the ape's vagina with tortoise blood.

• 33:39Kurt Metzger?

  Please don't.

• 33:40Duncan Trussell?

  Well, that part makes sense.

• 33:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, so you gotta get tortoise blood, um, and then the incubation process.

• 33:45Duncan Trussell?

  Tortoise blood seems easier to get than the gallbladder of a white hawk.

• 33:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:49Kurt Metzger?

  What am I, J- what am I, Genghis Khan?

• 33:53Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, I've never seen a white hawk.

• 33:55Duncan Trussell?

  Can you pull up an image of a white hawk and see where to get them?

• 34:00Kurt Metzger?

  I've heard of a Blackhawk.

• 34:02Duncan Trussell?

  Sure, Blackhawk Down, great film. Oh, they're, they're out there. Where do you order them? Are they on Amazon?

• 34:11Kurt Metzger?

  Where to get? And find out where to get a sunstone.

• 34:14Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, just...

• 34:16Speaker 03

  In the wild, South Amer- in Texas.

• 34:19Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, perfect, great. Guys, all the links will be down below for these ingredients.

• 34:23Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, yeah, let's just say we might have solved where the screw worm epidemic is coming from. Uh, no, not those... I'm looking for the evolutionary item in Pokemon.

• 34:37Kurt Metzger?

  So, I guess this sunstone, though, depicted in this, uh, book...

• 34:44Kurt Metzger?

  is a fabled and not a real. I have no idea what it is. It's probably something with P. It is the grossest thing in the world.

• 34:50Duncan Trussell?

  What's the name of the book again?

• 34:52Speaker 03

  The Lieber Vacates.

• 34:53Duncan Trussell?

  Can we just pull that up to see if it's on Amazon?

• 34:55Speaker 03

  Um.

• 34:56Kurt Metzger?

  No, it's not.

• 34:57Speaker 03

  You're not gonna, you're not gonna find it unfortunately.

• 34:59Kurt Metzger?

  It's at Cambridge and only three of the rituals have ever been released.

• 35:02Duncan Trussell?

  Wow.

• 35:03Kurt Metzger?

  And the rest have been released through Pokemon. So when the Pokemon evolved.

• 35:06Duncan Trussell?

  It's so fucked up. Goat Simulator Pokemon somehow inspired by this obscure book. It's so weird.

• 35:13Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, wait, wait. And then.

• 35:14Duncan Trussell?

  Let's go on to the birth.

• 35:15Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, yeah, the incubation.

• 35:17Speaker 03

  Well, we gotta incubate it first. We gotta incubate it. The incubation. The ape is locked in a dark house and fed a diet of flesh infused with human blood. Along with a weekly ration of wine and a drachm of human blood.

• 35:32Kurt Metzger?

  Oh my god.

• 35:33Duncan Trussell?

  So much wine.

• 35:35Speaker 03

  Interesting. The life form. Upon birth.

• 35:37Duncan Trussell?

  Think of that thing's breath.

• 35:40Kurt Metzger?

  Jesus Christ.

• 35:41Speaker 03

  Upon birth, the newborn creature is smeared with a paste made from the leaves of the Abraham tree, Indian palm, tree of the sun, and the gall bladders of a tortoise and the mythical fireproof sandon bird.

• 35:55Duncan Trussell?

  See, that's where you get, that's where they get you. Cause like all of a sudden you need to find a mythical fucking bird.

• 36:00Kurt Metzger?

  You just made the whole thing perfect, except you don't have a mythical bird now.

• 36:03Duncan Trussell?

  You've been fucking an ape. You didn't get that far.

• 36:05Kurt Metzger?

  I did every step.

• 36:06Duncan Trussell?

  Every step. And they're like, what the fuck? A sandon bird? Where do you get a sandon bird?

• 36:12Speaker 03

  I think Malaysia.

• 36:13Duncan Trussell?

  Well, it's mythical.

• 36:16Duncan Trussell?

  You can't just say.

• 36:19Duncan Trussell?

  You, you put in shandon bird.

• 36:23Kurt Metzger?

  Wait.

• 36:24Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, wait, there are sandons. Why does he say it's mythical? Whoever wrote this is just a dipshit. I mean. There are sandon birds.

• 36:32Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, it's a bird watching site? I don't know. Look. You don't have to follow the recipe. The half the fun of cooking is throwing in your own.

• 36:40Duncan Trussell?

  Improvising.

• 36:41Kurt Metzger?

  Put your own twist, maybe a Latin twist.

• 36:43Duncan Trussell?

  Throwing a possum.

• 36:44Speaker 03

  So after you rub the paste of the tree palm oils and the bladders.

• 36:49Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 36:50Speaker 03

  Um, it is then sealed in a vase for forty days.

• 36:53Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, what is?

• 36:54Speaker 03

  Um, I believe the, the life form. Yes.

• 36:58Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, the ape, the pregnant ape is the one that's in a dark house.

• 37:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, so the pregnant ape gets put into a dark house.

• 37:03Duncan Trussell?

  How long does it take for an ape to give birth? Like, how, what's the, what's the gestation period for an ape? I'm just trying to see how long you gotta keep this thing in a dark house. I mean, no one, you, you gotta have a lot of money to make this homunculus.

• 37:16Speaker 03

  Depending on the ape, normally chimpanzees, two hundred forty-three days, bonobos, however, are two hundred forty. And then the orangutan is two hundred and fifty-nine.

• 37:25Duncan Trussell?

  It's a long time, every day you gotta feed it.

• 37:27Kurt Metzger?

  Two hundred fifty-nine, how, what is that?

• 37:30Duncan Trussell?

  What do you mean?

• 37:31Kurt Metzger?

  Like a, I, you know, I'm not good at math, what is that? It's like four years now.

• 37:38Duncan Trussell?

  So after you, so then the thing gives birth, you throw the baby into a vase?

• 37:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, so then you take the, then you take this baby thingy, after you rub it with the paste of the bladder and the stuff, and you shove it in a vase for forty days, where it develops into the form of a human that is missing one foot. The operator then gouges out the creature's eyes to create a magical eye salve that allows them to see spirits and demons.

• 38:05Kurt Metzger?

  And what is the purpose of this thing?

• 38:07Speaker 03

  To see the spirits and demons.

• 38:09Duncan Trussell?

  Well, then what?

• 38:10Speaker 03

  Uh.

• 38:10Kurt Metzger?

  Do they wanna see you?

• 38:12Duncan Trussell?

  What about diapers? Like, you gotta...

• 38:17Duncan Trussell?

  That's it?

• 38:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:18Kurt Metzger?

  Well, is there any other, w- well?

• 38:21Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, the resulting monster has a tall, well, no, wait, you went back to the cow. So you put the baby in a vase?

• 38:28Kurt Metzger?

  There's a cow hybrid, there's a cow before that, too.

• 38:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:32Kurt Metzger?

  What's, what's the pre, other one? There's three, the human-skinned creature. Whoa, we just, we were on it, it was, it was before, the, is it, no, no, before that.

• 38:42Speaker 03

  Oh, the human-skinned creature.

• 38:44Duncan Trussell?

  Can, can we pull up that, that, remember in India, like, the, the cow that looked like the, there was a sheep that looked like a person? It does happen, where it does seem like somebody fucked livestock and it actually took, and then they, like, look, I can't remember what, is it sheep or cow?

• 39:00Kurt Metzger?

  Do you know the first case of it in, in the New World here? And they, and they, uh, the parents of the guy, and they, I don't know how they figured out the guy had ran through the whole towns. But, uh, the parents in the court case. You find this dude, the history of like of bestiality crimes, they go, yeah, you should execute him. Cause I mean, that's for the best. Cause what's he gonna do? Get another job?

• 39:22Duncan Trussell?

  Right. I mean, you can find like, no, like there it.

• 39:26Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, what? That's not real.

• 39:29Duncan Trussell?

  No, man, it happens.

• 39:30Speaker 03

  Well, this.

• 39:30Kurt Metzger?

  What is that guy?

• 39:32Speaker 03

  This is a goat that was secluded enough on an island with no predators. So it was able to evolve with his eyes in the front.

• 39:40Kurt Metzger?

  But that's okay.

• 39:41Duncan Trussell?

  No, look up like goat.

• 39:42Kurt Metzger?

  What? Okay. That's what they say?

• 39:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:45Kurt Metzger?

  But I thought that takes like millions of years.

• 39:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is like a, this is like a old, old, uh, old goat. It's not around anymore.

• 39:52Kurt Metzger?

  So they all have a face like this?

• 39:54Duncan Trussell?

  It's like, it's like goat or cow. I can't remember. It happened. I, I, goat that looks like with a human head. It was really, Eric, is that it?

• 40:02Kurt Metzger?

  What the fuck is that?

• 40:04Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, sometimes it takes. Sometimes it takes. You go out there and bang a sheep and like, you didn't wear a condom.

• 40:13Kurt Metzger?

  How could that be?

• 40:14Duncan Trussell?

  The sheep tells you they're on birth control and they're not.

• 40:22Duncan Trussell?

  It, look, it happens, dude. It happens. Look, look at this one. That's the one. That's the one.

• 40:27Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, let's see. That looks like some kind of hideously deformed creature.

• 40:32Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, but come on. You know what happened there?

• 40:36Duncan Trussell?

  It's going viral.

• 40:40Duncan Trussell?

  Like zoom in on that poor thing.

• 40:42Kurt Metzger?

  That looks like it, but that's just, looks like a deformity in the front of his face.

• 40:46Duncan Trussell?

  I just wish they cut to the guy holding it. Cause you know, that guy looks exactly like the sheep.

• 40:50Kurt Metzger?

  That would see that I was gonna say, we need to see him next to the guy.

• 40:52Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, well, zoom out.

• 40:57Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, I don't know. This happens sometimes. This happens. I mean, people have been fucking animals forever.

• 41:06Kurt Metzger?

  Well, uh, where do you get a sunstone? That's my question.

• 41:11Duncan Trussell?

  Can we?

• 41:12Kurt Metzger?

  The pharmacy?

• 41:12Duncan Trussell?

  Where, what is a sunstone? And I didn't understand that.

• 41:15Kurt Metzger?

  Is it used for anything other than?

• 41:16Duncan Trussell?

  Fucking animals?

• 41:17Kurt Metzger?

  The worst thing I've ever heard.

• 41:19Duncan Trussell?

  You mean Pokemon? Let's pull up his sunstone.

• 41:24Duncan Trussell?

  In Goat Simulator 3, if you're looking for the sunstone, you're likely thinking of the Golden Globe at the goat tower in the biosphere area. And interacting with it allows you to manipulate light and melt the distant glacier to free the UFO.

• 41:39Kurt Metzger?

  What is happening?

• 41:39Duncan Trussell?

  What is this dude?

• 41:41Kurt Metzger?

  Sweden.

• 41:44Kurt Metzger?

  So in Sweden, it was... That game was like you're a goat and you hit people with your horns. I mean, look pretty funny, actually.

• 41:50Duncan Trussell?

  It looks fun.

• 41:54Kurt Metzger?

  No, Oregon has them?

• 41:58Duncan Trussell?

  But we're... It felt like they were saying like you grind it into a paste or something?

• 42:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, you have to grind the sunstone into a paste and then mix it with your blood and cum, and then you rub it on the vagina of the cow. And then, um, and then the magic, and then you can start your magic.

• 42:15Duncan Trussell?

  It's just so much work. That's why I could never get in-

• 42:18Kurt Metzger?

  Do they have like a Hot Pocket for me? You just toss the microwave?

• 42:26Kurt Metzger?

  I'm on the go. I don't have time to make a-

• 42:28Duncan Trussell?

  Who has time for this?

• 42:29Kurt Metzger?

  My cow fetus assassin.

• 42:36Duncan Trussell?

  It just seems easier to hire someone to kill an enemy.

• 42:43Kurt Metzger?

  What is that supposed to be?

• 42:45Duncan Trussell?

  I think these are just drawings of different like homunculuses.

• 42:50Kurt Metzger?

  The creation of little people with great powers.

• 42:54Kurt Metzger?

  Just... Oh my god.

• 42:57Duncan Trussell?

  Why do you gotta log in to look at that?

• 42:59Kurt Metzger?

  They want to-

• 43:00Duncan Trussell?

  What is this?

• 43:01Kurt Metzger?

  Your name's going on a list now, dude.

• 43:03Duncan Trussell?

  The fuck is this? What are we on?

• 43:04Kurt Metzger?

  I...

• 43:11Duncan Trussell?

  I mean, all of this seems weird until you see, like, pull up that computer that's using human brain tissue. Pull that up. All this seems crazy and then you see like what we're doing now. You've seen this, right, Matt Skerr?

• 43:26Kurt Metzger?

  What?

• 43:28Duncan Trussell?

  The, it's a computer that uses

• 43:30Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, yeah.

• 43:30Duncan Trussell?

  Human neurons.

• 43:32Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, what's the big deal? So what if you grow some human tissue on it? You get abortions, don't you?

• 43:37Duncan Trussell?

  Scientists grow-

• 43:38Kurt Metzger?

  It's just like an abortion. It's no big deal.

• 43:40Duncan Trussell?

  Many human brains to power computers.

• 43:42Kurt Metzger?

  So you take the brain of an abortion and you make it power a computer? What is the-

• 43:45Duncan Trussell?

  Dude, I will be honest. I looked this up.

• 43:47Kurt Metzger?

  You sound hysterical.

• 43:47Duncan Trussell?

  Though I don't doubt they're doing that. I looked it up. Apparently, it's not fetal stem cells for this, but-

• 43:54Kurt Metzger?

  Why wouldn't they try it with that, though?

• 43:56Duncan Trussell?

  By the way, have you seen this fucking shit that just came out?

• 43:58Kurt Metzger?

  No.

• 43:59Duncan Trussell?

  About, oh, my god. This, this dude running an abortion clinic got, it got raided. It got raided for some reason. And, oh, and everyone's like, it just smells like rotting flesh.

• 44:10Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, that's the Philly guy, the doctor-

• 44:11Duncan Trussell?

  That's the Philly guy. Pull that guy up.

• 44:13Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, the Philly, yeah, it was one of the worst things ever.

• 44:15Duncan Trussell?

  Most horrible shit you ever read. Cause he was doing, uh, he was, he was killing the babies after they were born. This is the worst human on earth. And the most chilling thing about this is, like, they, somebody who was like an expert for, I think, the prosecution on how to do like humane abortions.

• 44:40Kurt Metzger?

  He operated the Women's Medical Society Clinic, a non-compliant abortion clinic. Jesus Christ.

• 44:45Duncan Trussell?

  Dude, I, it's, it's so fucked up. But on trial, somebody from like, like, who was like, quote, a like ethical abortionist, said, was basically like, yeah, the way that, you know, killing the baby after they're born, that's fucked up. You have to give it compassionate care until it dies. And that, then you're doing it right. You know, you know that happens, right? The baby's born and then they just give it like opium and-

• 45:12Kurt Metzger?

  He was a young Philadelphian of the year because of his work directing the Mantua halfway house. Oh, so this guy's probably, uh, like John of God kind of motherfucker, I'll bet. If he's, he's got a pill mill, an abortion mill.

• 45:27Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, that's right.

• 45:28Kurt Metzger?

  If they're doing, if they're murdering, I mean, you know.

• 45:32Duncan Trussell?

  No, they were stabbing the babies.

• 45:34Kurt Metzger?

  People buy those, it's really gross, dude, but people buy those parts. They buy the bones. You know, you know what you do with baby bones? You know what fuckers do with that?

• 45:41Duncan Trussell?

  No.

• 45:42Kurt Metzger?

  There's some kind of poisons they make out of it.

• 45:44Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 45:45Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 45:46Duncan Trussell?

  Out of baby bones?

• 45:47Kurt Metzger?

  I have no idea, dude.

• 45:48Duncan Trussell?

  What the fuck?

• 45:49Kurt Metzger?

  Look, I just found out about the Librevake.

• 45:53Kurt Metzger?

  Here's how out of the loop I am, one of these, what a boomer I am. I never heard of this cow fucking Pokemon game.

• 45:58Duncan Trussell?

  I know, I've never felt more old.

• 46:02Duncan Trussell?

  Never felt more like an old man than not knowing about the labor vacay.

• 46:06Kurt Metzger?

  This is the Katab Al Noami, it's Arabic.

• 46:10Duncan Trussell?

  Is this the same one?

• 46:11Kurt Metzger?

  It's false, he says Plato wrote it. I like, I like the, do people think Plato maybe did write it?

• 46:16Duncan Trussell?

  He probably did. Why not?

• 46:19Kurt Metzger?

  Like, what do, yeah, how do we know it's false if Plato didn't write it?

• 46:24Duncan Trussell?

  I wouldn't surprise me.

• 46:27Kurt Metzger?

  The Book of Laws, the original title's The Book of Laws, but somebody changed it to The Book of Cows.

• 46:33Duncan Trussell?

  I just, you know, it's funny though, you read this stuff and you're like, these fucking primitive pieces of shit. And then you look at what's actually happening and it's the same shit. It's not that far apart.

• 46:43Kurt Metzger?

  That's right. Well, they never stopped doing it. They disguised it.

• 46:44Duncan Trussell?

  They never stopped.

• 46:45Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah. So if you're into that kind of creepy shit, which I am a hundred percent think Frank Sinatra was in, down with in his mom. Not just, not just Sammy Davis.

• 46:53Duncan Trussell?

  Frank Sinatra was into, you mean, what do you mean?

• 46:56Kurt Metzger?

  His mother, her name was The Pin or The Hat, Hat Pin something. What's his mom's name? Yeah, let's see a picture of this, but yeah. Uh, they called her, her name was Natalie? I thought they called her like Hat Pin Natalie or some shit like that. So she ran a speakeasy in Hoboken, okay? And they did abortions there. And this is, by the way, dedicated Catholics. That's weird, isn't it?

• 47:23Duncan Trussell?

  That's totally weird. They're so against it.

• 47:25Kurt Metzger?

  Borderline occultic, I would say. Uh, oh, Dolly, yeah, Hat Pin Dolly.

• 47:30Duncan Trussell?

  Worked as a local midwife who provided safe abortions.

• 47:32Kurt Metzger?

  See how they're cleaning this Kermit Gosnell shit up, but the picture of Skinny Frank as a, as a gigolo with the, uh, the arresting photo?

• 47:41Kurt Metzger?

  Oh boy, a lot of fucking dagos are gonna be upset with this. But I said Jap before that, I'm not, I can't say WAP. I'm part Japanese and part Italian. Uh, not, not like Ja, I'm sorry, I'm part Jap, Jewish American princess is what I was saying.

• 47:56Duncan Trussell?

  You really are.

• 48:02Kurt Metzger?

  I'm a real.

• 48:03Duncan Trussell?

  You really are. That is the vibe, dude.

• 48:07Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, you see that? And so what was he under arrest for? He was under arrest for, um, seduction. So that's the local cops cleaning that up for the local fucking saloon and rent boy who there ain't no. Let me give you a, tell you something about guys who hook, who are hookers. They fuck dudes.

• 48:25Duncan Trussell?

  That's a hundred percent the case. There's just, if it was the other way, we'd be in heaven.

• 48:32Duncan Trussell?

  Literally be utopia. If you could go sell your ass on the street, you know, happy everybody would be. It would prostitution.

• 48:42Kurt Metzger?

  I even know the outfit I would wear and walk up and down the street.

• 48:45Duncan Trussell?

  Don't be.

• 48:46Kurt Metzger?

  A lot of dick hanging out. Just like one nut hanging out. Really sexy stuff, you know?

• 48:50Duncan Trussell?

  You get to change it up.

• 48:53Kurt Metzger?

  I'll put really sexy stuff. Okay. I want to find this lady's name. So will you look up Danny Elfman? I went down the Danny Elfman hole this week.

• 49:00Duncan Trussell?

  Dude. Oh my God. When we were looking for a house in fucking LA, I went, like he was selling his house. I was in one of his old houses.

• 49:09Kurt Metzger?

  And what did it, what did it have?

• 49:10Duncan Trussell?

  What do you think it felt like in there? What do you think it felt like in that house?

• 49:13Kurt Metzger?

  Like a fucking ginger had lived there for too long?

• 49:18Kurt Metzger?

  Not right, like.

• 49:18Duncan Trussell?

  We got a bunch of kids, so it just seemed deadly. There's a lot of, it just seemed like a very dangerous place to have kids.

• 49:24Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 49:24Duncan Trussell?

  It had a lot of weird shit in there, man.

• 49:26Kurt Metzger?

  Like what?

• 49:27Duncan Trussell?

  Well, I don't mean weird like occultic shit.

• 49:28Kurt Metzger?

  No, I know, but like what?

• 49:30Duncan Trussell?

  Like ba, like sunken places, exactly what you would think somebody like him, his house would be.

• 49:36Kurt Metzger?

  What do you mean a sunken place? The place from Get Out?

• 49:39Duncan Trussell?

  Sunken place? No, it just, it was like, it felt like, um, it just felt like you couldn't have kids in the house, you know? Not for some weird shit, but just like weird. You know the Winchester mystery house?

• 49:51Kurt Metzger?

  Yes.

• 49:52Duncan Trussell?

  That kind of vibe.

• 49:53Kurt Metzger?

  Are you, are you serious?

• 49:55Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah. I mean, I'm, I'm just saying there was like, I don't know how to, it's been a while since I, I looked at the house. But I'm just saying it was like fucking.

• 50:03Kurt Metzger?

  Get a picture of Danny Elfman up though, so we can, uh.

• 50:06Duncan Trussell?

  People know who that is.

• 50:07Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, this is me. Sorry about that. Tell my folks. I'm trying to find the thing to give to Tanner.

• 50:12Duncan Trussell?

  That's Altman, Elfman.

• 50:14Kurt Metzger?

  No, not Danny Altman. Elfman, Danny Elfman.

• 50:19Duncan Trussell?

  Danny Elfman.

• 50:22Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 50:26Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, let's get some shirtless picture. There's a shirtless picture of him next to a skeleton.

• 50:30Duncan Trussell?

  There it is, there's.

• 50:31Kurt Metzger?

  But I want to see his tattoos clearly.

• 50:33Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, let's look at it. Do a, let's do a tattoo analysis real quick. Kurt Metzger tattoo analysis of Danny Elfman.

• 50:39Kurt Metzger?

  You don't have to put my name into the search.

• 50:42Duncan Trussell?

  No, that's what this is. You're gonna know what this shit is. Zoom in on that. What do we got?

• 50:45Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, let's see.

• 50:46Duncan Trussell?

  Zoom in, what do we got? You see anything here?

• 50:48Kurt Metzger?

  Well, that's not a good picture. I'm trying to get you a good one. Keep going, keep going. There's more. There's more where he's like.

• 50:54Duncan Trussell?

  There, that's it.

• 50:54Kurt Metzger?

  There, next to the skeleton. Go to that skeleton.

• 50:56Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, there you go.

• 50:59Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, open that up and then let's make that big so you can see what.

• 51:02Duncan Trussell?

  Do the analysis. Zoom in. What do we got here, Metzger? You got a dog?

• 51:10Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, well, I don't know the dog thing, but I'm trying to have someone identify those two sigils around the nipples.

• 51:18Duncan Trussell?

  That shouldn't be it. Chat GPT could do that probably. Zoom in on that. Let's zoom in on that nip.

• 51:24Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, get, enhance.

• 51:26Duncan Trussell?

  Enhance nipple, please. Enhance Elfman nipple?

• 51:30Kurt Metzger?

  Enhance. Okay, now you see that hand?

• 51:33Duncan Trussell?

  Okay, that's the hand of glory.

• 51:35Kurt Metzger?

  Um, I've never heard it was called the hand of glory.

• 51:38Duncan Trussell?

  That's the hand of glory, I'm pretty sure, right? Pull up hand of glory real quick, just so we can make sure that's what that is. I think that's the hand of glory.

• 51:45Kurt Metzger?

  The, the Benedicto Maria or some shit it's called?

• 51:49Duncan Trussell?

  The hand of glory, maybe not. The hand of glory was, yeah, there you go, look.

• 51:54Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, no, no. I thought it was the hand of glory and it wasn't.

• 51:56Duncan Trussell?

  It's not the hand of glory.

• 51:57Kurt Metzger?

  The hand of glory is a severed criminal's hand with a candle that paralyzes you like a cow fetus creature when you enter the room.

• 52:06Speaker 03

  This looks like the hand gesture that you would see on like a lot of Eastern Orthodox art.

• 52:10Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, okay.

• 52:10Kurt Metzger?

  It's the hand of the philosopher. I'm texting, uh, what's his name here? I just texted you.

• 52:14Duncan Trussell?

  So that's not sinister?

• 52:16Kurt Metzger?

  Well, no, it is. Hold on. I'm, I'm giving you the Tanner because I want to show you. So Nausicnial from my, uh, think tank, Turning Point Sam Tripoli.

• 52:24Duncan Trussell?

  Which I'm honored to be a member of, by the way.

• 52:26Kurt Metzger?

  Now, now including Duncan and Sam Tripoli.

• 52:29Duncan Trussell?

  You know, you really did, I think, underplay that thing. It really is a think tank. I don't know who's in there, but there's some really smart people in there.

• 52:35Kurt Metzger?

  It's Nausicnial. Uh, Dr. Heather Lynn and Matt Errett from Canada and Turbo Canada nerd Matt Errett. And um, I thought if I they and I was like gonna add more to it that of like scholars, but like they it's three's enough. They they go back.

• 52:52Duncan Trussell?

  No, they're so brilliant.

• 52:54Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, it's like if Grok didn't lie to you.

• 52:59Kurt Metzger?

  But I didn't tell you the weirdest part about him. Okay, first of all, he's straight.

• 53:04Duncan Trussell?

  That I hadn't that I did not know.

• 53:07Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, he's married to um, Bridget Fonda.

• 53:10Duncan Trussell?

  Huh.

• 53:11Kurt Metzger?

  Remember Bridget Fonda?

• 53:13Duncan Trussell?

  Well, the dog tattoo looks fucking great.

• 53:15Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, so you remember this chick, right?

• 53:18Duncan Trussell?

  No.

• 53:19Kurt Metzger?

  Yes, you do. From Single White Female.

• 53:22Duncan Trussell?

  Okay, sure.

• 53:23Kurt Metzger?

  From Jackie Brown?

• 53:24Duncan Trussell?

  Dude, it sucks. Like I like you're like my wife. I honestly, I never saw a single white female. And then I feel like I have to lie and say I know what it is.

• 53:33Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, so I've seen doubles where the guy gets jacked and the chick is ends up being fat. But there's something. Look at that one. That's brutal.

• 53:43Kurt Metzger?

  She's 60, but I mean, yo, why is he jacked?

• 53:48Duncan Trussell?

  He's ripped.

• 53:49Kurt Metzger?

  Well, never mind. Okay, so there's when they first got married.

• 53:54Kurt Metzger?

  And then she became a recluse.

• 53:57Kurt Metzger?

  And he's a Coachella with no shirt on.

• 54:01Kurt Metzger?

  Fucking Jack. Now, I here's a little rumor. Now, this is just juicy gossy, Duncan.

• 54:06Duncan Trussell?

  Okay.

• 54:06Kurt Metzger?

  You can't.

• 54:07Duncan Trussell?

  I like juicy gossy.

• 54:08Kurt Metzger?

  I had to put on my reading glasses to read this gossy. Okay, uh, supposedly from like 1995 to like 2000 something, his orchestra for making movie music.

• 54:20Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 54:21Kurt Metzger?

  He would, they had to like shower in front of him like a basketball team showers after a game.

• 54:28Kurt Metzger?

  And he would watch them. And then wait, wait, this is the allegations. I don't know that this is true. This is why I just got told. This is what I got from my re- this is from my Renaissance Fair contact. I want to make that clear, but that if you know anything about Rennies and Cornies, that's reliable info. Close up magicians in Berlin got good info and Rennies do. Anyway.

• 54:46Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, what?

• 54:47Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, because they travel and they know.

• 54:49Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, okay, okay.

• 54:50Kurt Metzger?

  It's like roadie. It's like stuff roadies know, you know?

• 54:53Duncan Trussell?

  Right. Got you.

• 54:55Kurt Metzger?

  Um, no, the what? Oh, well, Rennie's wouldn't be spelled like that. That's like Renee. And that's why I probably think it's a French soccer team thing. Anyway, I'm just telling you stuff that Google.

• 55:05Duncan Trussell?

  Just go, just go.

• 55:07Kurt Metzger?

  So, um, anyway, he said also the guy would try to fuck everyone in the band and their husbands or wives.

• 55:14Duncan Trussell?

  Elfman?

• 55:15Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, that's what they, there's people like, and it was a lot of money. Supposing the guy was like, I just, it's not worth it. But, okay, nineteen ninety-five, what movies was he making back then in nineteen ninety-five? Does anybody remember?

• 55:26Duncan Trussell?

  Edward Scissorhands?

• 55:27Kurt Metzger?

  Is that what it is?

• 55:27Duncan Trussell?

  I don't know.

• 55:30Kurt Metzger?

  Let's just, I, I just want to see what the timeline is.

• 55:31Duncan Trussell?

  I mean, he was doing music. He wasn't technically making movies, but he's made some of the most iconic soundtracks. So wait, you're saying, like, during the movies, he would make people?

• 55:44Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, now, for free, now, right now, on YouTube. Okay, so that video I text you that said Dead Man's Party, this is why I even looked into this. Okay, so

• 55:56Kurt Metzger?

  here's the opening. This from nineteen eighty.

• 56:00Kurt Metzger?

  It was called classic when I was in animation school.

• 56:02Duncan Trussell?

  You went to animation school?

• 56:04Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 56:04Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, pause. What?

• 56:10Duncan Trussell?

  I learned things that make me love you more and more every day.

• 56:13Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 56:13Duncan Trussell?

  You studied animation?

• 56:16Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 56:16Duncan Trussell?

  Are you fucking with me?

• 56:17Kurt Metzger?

  I dropped out. I dropped out to be a mystery solver.

• 56:22Duncan Trussell?

  You made the right choice.

• 56:24Kurt Metzger?

  I just, I was on to some spooky mysteries there and I

• 56:27Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, where, do you have any animations you could show us?

• 56:31Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, Patouche, but I've shown it many times already, Patouche.

• 56:35Duncan Trussell?

  Have you showed, you haven't shown it on the mystery boys?

• 56:37Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, that's true. All right.

• 56:38Duncan Trussell?

  Another day, another day.

• 56:40Kurt Metzger?

  Well, Patouche is a fun.

• 56:40Duncan Trussell?

  That's so fucking cool.

• 56:43Kurt Metzger?

  Did I not show Patouche on here?

• 56:44Duncan Trussell?

  No.

• 56:44Kurt Metzger?

  If you go on my channel, go on Kurt Metzger Comedy, you can put in Patouche.

• 56:49Duncan Trussell?

  Do you still animate stuff? Do you still mess with it?

• 56:51Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, with AI.

• 56:54Duncan Trussell?

  What, everyone loves AI?

• 56:55Kurt Metzger?

  No, no, no, no, that, my YouTube channel, Kurt Metzger Comedy YouTube.

• 56:58Duncan Trussell?

  Everybody loves AI animation.

• 57:00Kurt Metzger?

  Well, it's, you're saving a lot of money on animators, I'll tell you that. Keep going down, keep going down, uh, videos, let's see. Oh, that was a very excellent one. Keep going, there's, it'll come up. Oh, that was Jangle and Jingle. Did you ever see Jangle and Jingle?

• 57:13Duncan Trussell?

  No.

• 57:14Kurt Metzger?

  That was, uh, I made that from the Christmas party. It's a beautiful song. Uh, Shorts, maybe?

• 57:22Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, there it is, Patouche.

• 57:23Duncan Trussell?

  Patouche, you animated this, or is AI?

• 57:25Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I did it with AI prompts, but it's a good one. Pres- present, it's a good, it's really good.

• 57:29Speaker 05

  Patouche.

• 57:32Speaker 06

  They worship the map, right? In the ancient religions.

• 57:34Duncan Trussell?

  That's of course, it goes right to that. That's so his channel.

• 57:38Speaker 07

  In a room full of phones, pretending to be AI. With a click and a beep, he fools them for cheap. Pretending to be AI. In the Amazon store, he watches the floor. Fake AI cashier with his screens galore. Grab that snack, I'll charge your card. But it's Patouche typing, working real hard. For health claims in the USA. He says denied in a cold robotic way. Talking to AI fills the patients with hate.

• 58:20Speaker 07

  But it's really just Patouche who is stealing their faith. He's a fake AI girlfriend, sweet as can be. Texting "I love you" from across the sea. Or building your app in a magical flash. But it's Patouche coding, cuz he's desperate for cash. Pretending to drive cars that steer on their own. Or scraping metadata from your new smartphone. Oh, Patouche, what a clever little guy. In his phone-filled room under the sky. Fooling the world with his AI disguise. But it's really just Patouche.

• 59:04Kurt Metzger?

  Get ready for the twist, though.

• 59:05Speaker 07

  What a surprise.

• 59:09Kurt Metzger?

  Patouche!

• 59:12Kurt Metzger?

  It's actually a live-action show.

• 59:16Kurt Metzger?

  Initiating AI protocol, scanning all devices. Data received, processing now. Sorry to be interrupting this broadcast of Patouche, sir. So that we are pleased to be bringing you this emergency report, sir.

• 59:28Kurt Metzger?

  I abuse everyone.

• 59:31Duncan Trussell?

  That's fucking great.

• 59:32Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, and I like to think there's a little Patouche out there that animated that for me.

• 59:36Duncan Trussell?

  Wow. That, didn't that really happen, though? Like, they found out?

• 59:40Kurt Metzger?

  Amazon store. And then Waymo is, uh, it's, the Waymo will consult with a Filipino.

• 59:47Duncan Trussell?

  It's incredible. I, I, you know, I don't know why, but the algorithm started feeding me, like, hot lumberjack girls, like, girls, like,

• 59:56Kurt Metzger?

  What?

• 59:57Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, cleavage girls, but they're chopping wood.

• 59:59Kurt Metzger?

  I like that.

• 1:00:00Duncan Trussell?

  One of them is clearly AI.

• 1:00:02Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:02Duncan Trussell?

  And she's like saying like,

• 1:00:04Kurt Metzger?

  She splits that log good.

• 1:00:05Duncan Trussell?

  But it's, the comments are so sad, because it's, it's all, like, she's saying, like, I'm looking for a boyfriend, and it's all these dudes who aren't capable of identifying that's definitely AI, saying like, I would do you like,

• 1:00:19Kurt Metzger?

  You think there's an AI?

• 1:00:20Duncan Trussell?

  That one's not. I would have to, I'll send you the one that's AI. I don't know where my phone is. It's definitely AI. Like, it's unquestionably AI.

• 1:00:27Kurt Metzger?

  Cause I saw a thing, uh, with this chick who's like a physicist, and I'm like, there's no way that's gotta be an AI, cause it's a woman.

• 1:00:34Duncan Trussell?

  What do you mean?

• 1:00:35Kurt Metzger?

  You know, like,

• 1:00:36Duncan Trussell?

  A hot physicist?

• 1:00:38Kurt Metzger?

  No, she wasn't hot, but it's just, uh,

• 1:00:41Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, you mean, like, yeah, like, you mean, like, cause women can't do math?

• 1:00:44Kurt Metzger?

  Yes.

• 1:00:48Kurt Metzger?

  You know, and I, I, now, I'm not, not to be bigoted with it, the Asian ones can, but we don't know a lot of them.

• 1:00:58Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, it's a real, it's, it's, it, it's,

• 1:01:04Kurt Metzger?

  You know?

• 1:01:05Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, you don't seem bigoted.

• 1:01:07Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, I'm not, you know,

• 1:01:08Duncan Trussell?

  You don't have to get woke.

• 1:01:09Kurt Metzger?

  Not for nothing.

• 1:01:10Duncan Trussell?

  This isn't a woke show. Why do you always go woke? You do. You veer towards woke or post-woke.

• 1:01:16Kurt Metzger?

  Sorry to make you woke. Well, as, you know, I'm a big, uh, Muslims and gays are awesome.

• 1:01:22Duncan Trussell?

  I know, that's fine. I have nothing against that, but you do, do feel like, yeah, Kurt Metzger.

• 1:01:27Kurt Metzger?

  Hey, that's, that's not right. I'm not a vocal critic of woke culture. I've never even, I'm a, I'm a early, uh, enabler of it.

• 1:01:34Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:35Kurt Metzger?

  Early, early adopter. What's the right word?

• 1:01:39Duncan Trussell?

  Early adopter.

• 1:01:41Kurt Metzger?

  Playing a character is this really him sadly he's not who's a mother okay um so hold on so Danny Elf's man The one that says dead man's party put that

• 1:01:52Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, let's look at this

• 1:01:53Kurt Metzger?

  Let's look at that first before forbidden zone because I wouldn't even look at this unless it was

• 1:01:56Duncan Trussell?

  Do you need to do a land acknowledgement first?

• 1:01:58Kurt Metzger?

  Yes, we are on the unceded territory of the Comanche Possibly Chumash in not Yaki Indians certainly Uh, this is their land that we stole and they are never getting it back. Amen.

• 1:02:13Duncan Trussell?

  Amen.

• 1:02:16Kurt Metzger?

  Is this nice to to call it out, you know?

• 1:02:20Duncan Trussell?

  It's sweet.

• 1:02:20Kurt Metzger?

  Hey, if I took your house, I put you in the garage with your family.

• 1:02:24Duncan Trussell?

  You're brave, man.

• 1:02:25Kurt Metzger?

  And then I was wearing that hat and I'm like, listen, I acknowledge this is your house that you the unceded house of Duncan Trussell and uh, I'm gonna stop wearing this hat.

• 1:02:36Kurt Metzger?

  Look at him. Look at how he just like suck the life out of this fucking generational Satanist boy.

• 1:02:39Duncan Trussell?

  So beautiful.

• 1:02:41Kurt Metzger?

  You know the Fonda's how fucked they are, right?

• 1:02:43Duncan Trussell?

  No.

• 1:02:44Kurt Metzger?

  Well, the the elder Fonda who's always out of the Navy. The Navy's the most demon fucking infested thing there is. And so the Navy, uh, after the World War Two, when everything went, you know, when the the rest of the New World Order plans went ahead.

• 1:02:58Duncan Trussell?

  Yes.

• 1:02:59Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, Jane Fonda, Hanaway Jane, as you've heard her called. That's because her shitbag father put his kids into the culture war. As part of that operation they did in the sixties, you might have heard of or were to this day, people still believe in sixty shit. That these scumbags all foisted upon us. And uh, they dissipated all the and all the revolutionary energy of like, hey, maybe don't let's need our kids. They just dissipated it.

• 1:03:24Duncan Trussell?

  Can I say something real quick? I just had this paranoid thought. Maybe this shouldn't go on the show.

• 1:03:28Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 1:03:29Duncan Trussell?

  Because some of the I you wouldn't like try to restrain you.

• 1:03:36Duncan Trussell?

  I don't care if you interrupt me or like when you go like four white claws in, I actually kind of like it and I don't want you to feel like you have to. I don't, I'm not

• 1:03:43Kurt Metzger?

  Better not because I get violent when I get criticized about having four white claws. I'll tell you that.

• 1:03:46Duncan Trussell?

  I like it. I'm just saying like, I hope you don't hold back.

• 1:03:50Kurt Metzger?

  This explosive violent.

• 1:03:51Duncan Trussell?

  I like it.

• 1:03:52Kurt Metzger?

  I'll be talking to you nice like you'll think we're friends and explosive violence.

• 1:03:55Duncan Trussell?

  I like the explosive violence. I don't want you to hold.

• 1:03:59Kurt Metzger?

  Well, turn on to a lot of people.

• 1:04:01Duncan Trussell?

  It is hot.

• 1:04:04Kurt Metzger?

  It's no braid with a fucking sweet.

• 1:04:07Duncan Trussell?

  It's very, I don't know how to put it, man, but it definitely like it's steamy and hot.

• 1:04:12Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, I wish my steam vest worked right now.

• 1:04:14Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, why not? It's fucking vest. Stop!

• 1:04:21Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, hey, we're back with, uh, Judge Curb Mebsker, producer of the Chipmunk Rap album.

• 1:04:29Duncan Trussell?

  Great work on that last album too, man. It's fucking incredible.

• 1:04:31Kurt Metzger?

  You know, the boys didn't want to do it. They said, "We want to be normal chipmunk kids." And I pulled a gun on these little fuckers. I go, "You get in there and you fucking rap, you little shitbag chipmunks."

• 1:04:41Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, I read that.

• 1:04:43Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, we eat kids in this industry. You think chipmunks, we're not gonna do something unspeakable to you?

• 1:04:47Duncan Trussell?

  Look, anything for the art.

• 1:04:47Kurt Metzger?

  You better fucking rap!

• 1:04:49Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:49Kurt Metzger?

  And that's how you gotta talk to them.

• 1:04:50Duncan Trussell?

  Thank you. I just want to thank you for forcing them to continue.

• 1:04:54Kurt Metzger?

  And the kids, the gratitude in their eyes of little children who see the movie and saw that I forced those slave chipmunks to work at gunpoint, to create something that made their day brighter, that's why I'm doing this.

• 1:05:05Duncan Trussell?

  That's why you're doing it.

• 1:05:06Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, look at them. Don't get sucked in by how cute they are too.

• 1:05:09Duncan Trussell?

  They're so adorable.

• 1:05:11Kurt Metzger?

  That's how they get you. Like, "Oh, don't starve me and put a sunstone in my, uh, vagina."

• 1:05:16Duncan Trussell?

  But it is, you did, you do give them drugs. Is that true? That you like get them dove up?

• 1:05:20Kurt Metzger?

  Well, who else would have this lifestyle if they weren't on drugs 24/7?

• 1:05:24Duncan Trussell?

  Fair enough.

• 1:05:24Kurt Metzger?

  It's like K-pop.

• 1:05:25Duncan Trussell?

  Fair enough.

• 1:05:26Kurt Metzger?

  Who's giving them their drugs? You guys into K-pop? You guys like K-pop?

• 1:05:30Duncan Trussell?

  Are their voices really that high, though?

• 1:05:34Kurt Metzger?

  That's a good question. Let's look at some K-pop people and, um, let's see if we can tell them apart.

• 1:05:44Kurt Metzger?

  The answer's no, already. The answer's already no. Wait, look at, look.

• 1:05:51Duncan Trussell?

  It's black pink.

• 1:05:51Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 1:05:56Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, what is this? Oh, no, no. Okay, so the homolog-

• 1:05:58Duncan Trussell?

  We're all black pink.

• 1:06:00Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, black pink.

• 1:06:11Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, um, well, the dudes are better to use than the,

• 1:06:16Kurt Metzger?

  you know, you had it initially with those guys. The names of-

• 1:06:20Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up K74.

• 1:06:23Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up K7-

• 1:06:24Kurt Metzger?

  With those guys, see them? Look at, that's the fucking example.

• 1:06:31Kurt Metzger?

  Now which? Now look, altogether, but look, let's be fair about this.

• 1:06:37Duncan Trussell?

  What do you mean?

• 1:06:39Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, I know you think-

• 1:06:40Duncan Trussell?

  Are you really saying you can't tell the difference?

• 1:06:42Kurt Metzger?

  I absolutely can altogether, yes. But, okay, the guy in the end and this guy here-

• 1:06:48Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:49Kurt Metzger?

  They both have the Luke Skywalker butt cut from the original, actually, three of them do.

• 1:06:53Duncan Trussell?

  What the, what is that cut? That's so fucked, just notice that.

• 1:06:56Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, but it's called butt cut.

• 1:06:58Duncan Trussell?

  It's called a butt cut?

• 1:06:59Kurt Metzger?

  Well, it was when I was in school, but, so, each of those guys-

• 1:07:03Duncan Trussell?

  You look a butt cut?

• 1:07:04Kurt Metzger?

  You didn't know it was called a butt cut?

• 1:07:05Duncan Trussell?

  No.

• 1:07:06Kurt Metzger?

  Well, am I from another planet?

• 1:07:07Duncan Trussell?

  Dude, maybe. Pull up butt cut.

• 1:07:11Kurt Metzger?

  You want to use my, uh-

• 1:07:12Duncan Trussell?

  Image search for that.

• 1:07:13Kurt Metzger?

  Would you like some legal Delta 9?

• 1:07:14Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, please. Thank you so much.

• 1:07:16Kurt Metzger?

  Boy, Delta 9, you know, you don't need the real thing.

• 1:07:18Duncan Trussell?

  No, not at all.

• 1:07:20Kurt Metzger?

  It's that good, it's not a waste of your time.

• 1:07:22Duncan Trussell?

  I could taste the Delta 9 in this.

• 1:07:24Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, the old Georgia Delta. Whoa, who's that, Ms. Bum Bum?

• 1:07:28Duncan Trussell?

  Hello?

• 1:07:29Kurt Metzger?

  Whoa, hello? Let's go to-

• 1:07:31Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up Ms. Bum Bum, let's forget this-

• 1:07:33Kurt Metzger?

  Fuck all the other stories, Ms. Bum Bum, hello.

• 1:07:36Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up Ms. Bum Bum right away.

• 1:07:39Kurt Metzger?

  Chinese? They're Chinese? They thought you know they're doing genetic shit to their people?

• 1:07:45Duncan Trussell?

  Scroll down, scroll down.

• 1:07:47Kurt Metzger?

  Stop, we don't care about the top.

• 1:07:48Duncan Trussell?

  What are you doing?

• 1:07:50Kurt Metzger?

  What?

• 1:07:50Duncan Trussell?

  Wow.

• 1:07:51Kurt Metzger?

  This is like, Street Fighter fucking Chun-Li ass.

• 1:07:55Duncan Trussell?

  That's an-

• 1:07:59Kurt Metzger?

  Whoa, a lot of, a lot of overweight guys jerked off to Chun-Li's, uh-

• 1:08:04Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, you have to. If you haven't jerked off to Chun-Li. If you haven't, who are you?

• 1:08:10Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, my dad actually took me to an arcade to do it, he said, "Will you help my son? I don't want him to learn on the street."

• 1:08:19Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up Chun-Li.

• 1:08:22Kurt Metzger?

  They should call it the Chun-Li contest if I was there. We can go to China, do you want to do some white monkey work?

• 1:08:27Duncan Trussell?

  I would love to, I don't know what that is. What is it?

• 1:08:30Kurt Metzger?

  We're not blonde, but if we wear a wig, I bet they-

• 1:08:32Duncan Trussell?

  What's white monkey work?

• 1:08:33Kurt Metzger?

  You could just get a job standing around being white at things.

• 1:08:37Duncan Trussell?

  Is that fucking, that's not true.

• 1:08:40Kurt Metzger?

  Put in white monkey work if you-

• 1:08:41Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 1:08:43Kurt Metzger?

  Now, you see that nerd go, "Oh my god."

• 1:08:49Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, see, that's like aspirational-

• 1:08:51Duncan Trussell?

  Here's what I feel like you're about to do. I feel like you're about to ruin Chun-Li for me. Every single great thing, you're gonna be like, Chun-Li is actually a Luciferian-

• 1:08:59Kurt Metzger?

  What could possibly ruin Chun-Li?

• 1:09:01Duncan Trussell?

  You're gonna tell me something in a second. It's a setup. You're gonna be like, "Yo, did you know that Chun-Li actually..." Oh, look at that foot.

• 1:09:08Kurt Metzger?

  You got great feet as well. Oh, did you know Chun-Li also has amazing feet?

• 1:09:12Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, those feet are in-

• 1:09:14Kurt Metzger?

  And, you know, I'm not, look, I've spoken out against foot people a lot.

• 1:09:19Duncan Trussell?

  Spoken out.

• 1:09:20Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I've often said, "There's these perverts that think feet are the tits of the legs."

• 1:09:24Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, they are.

• 1:09:24Kurt Metzger?

  But, I gotta say, in that drawing, that is the tit on the end of that leg right there.

• 1:09:29Duncan Trussell?

  They're actually medically considered the tits of the leg.

• 1:09:32Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, you suckle on them.

• 1:09:35Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 1:09:36Kurt Metzger?

  For nourishment.

• 1:09:39Duncan Trussell?

  Basically.

• 1:09:42Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, I go, "Yo, take your shoes off, let me see them leg titties."

• 1:09:47Duncan Trussell?

  Um, can you pull up leg titties?

• 1:09:49Kurt Metzger?

  You know, that's a song, the Chipmunks wanted to do more mature shit, and I said-

• 1:09:52Duncan Trussell?

  I love that.

• 1:09:52Kurt Metzger?

  How about this? Let me see them leg titties.

• 1:09:54Duncan Trussell?

  I guess the real question here is, could you implant boob, why, like, you know, people always implant boobs in the chest, but is there something keeping us from implanting boobs in the feet?

• 1:10:03Kurt Metzger?

  No, the feet are the, are that.

• 1:10:04Duncan Trussell?

  I know, I'm saying, but what if we could implant boobs into the feet?

• 1:10:07Kurt Metzger?

  That's like a turducken?

• 1:10:09Duncan Trussell?

  Yes.

• 1:10:09Kurt Metzger?

  This is too decadent.

• 1:10:10Duncan Trussell?

  Hey, pull up Vajankal. Can you pull up Vajankal? Have you ever seen this?

• 1:10:15Kurt Metzger?

  No, but, um-

• 1:10:16Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up Vajankal. I'm sure this is old news for-

• 1:10:21Kurt Metzger?

  Now that-

• 1:10:24Kurt Metzger?

  You know, I don't know art, but I know what I like.

• 1:10:26Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah. There you go.

• 1:10:29Kurt Metzger?

  So, and it's like a, a sandal for my penis.

• 1:10:32Duncan Trussell?

  It's a

• 1:10:38Kurt Metzger?

  Finally.

• 1:10:42Kurt Metzger?

  I go, I'll just wear it out of the store. Thanks.

• 1:10:55Kurt Metzger?

  Listen, you know, there's people out there can tell you live in a sick society and I tell them, take a look at the Vajankal and maybe shut your fucking-

• 1:11:03Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, that's terrible though. No, no, no, no, no. The Vajankal is like sophisticated.

• 1:11:09Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, wait, wait, wait. Look, it says the Vajankal sex therapy and this is Dr. Jason Winters. What, what could he possibly be doing?

• 1:11:18Duncan Trussell?

  Let's pull up Dr. Jason Winters.

• 1:11:21Kurt Metzger?

  I'd like to know-

• 1:11:22Duncan Trussell?

  But zoom, zoom in on this. I can't see it, but I do want to read it.

• 1:11:25Kurt Metzger?

  Boy, this Delta 9 is not too bad, dude.

• 1:11:27Duncan Trussell?

  It's actually really good.

• 1:11:28Kurt Metzger?

  Do we have a Delta 9 sponsor? Can we retroactively?

• 1:11:30Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah. Wait, this is by Ralph Jones, so it's not-

• 1:11:35Kurt Metzger?

  What many don't know, wait, go back. What many don't know,

• 1:11:40Kurt Metzger?

  is Bronwyn, that's an Elvis name-

• 1:11:43Duncan Trussell?

  Bronwyn Kaye, yeah!

• 1:11:44Kurt Metzger?

  Of Synthetics-

• 1:11:45Duncan Trussell?

  With an S I N, guys.

• 1:11:47Kurt Metzger?

  Synthetics, the company that makes the Vajankal informs me, is that the Vajankal was in fact created in 2013, when a repeat caller contacted the company and asked if he could put, put a vagina on one of the feet they'd already manufactured.

• 1:12:00Duncan Trussell?

  Great idea.

• 1:12:01Kurt Metzger?

  He explained he wanted to be able to see and massage the foot while having sex with it. And so the Vajankal was born. Now, I feel, stack this up with the Lieber Vacay-

• 1:12:12Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:12Kurt Metzger?

  The Book of Cows. Which one disturbed you more, would you say?

• 1:12:16Duncan Trussell?

  The fucking Book of Cows.

• 1:12:18Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, I'm gonna say-

• 1:12:19Duncan Trussell?

  I was gifted a Vajankal. They're great.

• 1:12:21Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, really?

• 1:12:22Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:23Kurt Metzger?

  Do we have, um, you know, they asked anybody we don't want to advertise with?

• 1:12:26Duncan Trussell?

  Can we pull up the foot cut that you fuck? Cause that, that, I'm offended. Like you keep showing that. Pull up that, cause it's just so-

• 1:12:33Kurt Metzger?

  That looks like a bad case of plantar fasciitis.

• 1:12:36Duncan Trussell?

  The vagina on the ankle doesn't bother me, but the vagina on the sole of the foot seems depraved.

• 1:12:41Kurt Metzger?

  Um, this sounds like the famous Genghis Khan marauding horde thing of cutting new orifices into their victims.

• 1:12:48Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, yeah. She's not a natural place for vagina. The ankle makes more sense.

• 1:12:53Kurt Metzger?

  I wonder what your formative, hey.

• 1:12:56Duncan Trussell?

  That is horrible.

• 1:12:57Kurt Metzger?

  Is this a deal breaker if a guy has this?

• 1:13:01Duncan Trussell?

  It should be.

• 1:13:02Kurt Metzger?

  Is there any women in this room? Is that a deal breaker to find a vagina? What is this called?

• 1:13:06Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:13:08Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, oh, it is a vajankle.

• 1:13:09Speaker 03

  This is the vajankle.

• 1:13:11Duncan Trussell?

  That's not a vajankle.

• 1:13:12Kurt Metzger?

  No, that's a, a s-

• 1:13:14Duncan Trussell?

  That's a vajankle?

• 1:13:16Speaker 03

  Well, it's, it's a rendition. So you can either go bottom of the foot or, um, top of ankle.

• 1:13:22Kurt Metzger?

  How much money they make, it will know how much killing has to be done in this country.

• 1:13:27Speaker 03

  It's on sale right now.

• 1:13:29Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, it's on sale?

• 1:13:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, usually it's 430 bucks.

• 1:13:32Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I guess Armageddon has been averted another day.

• 1:13:35Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, God. That is so awful. It's like you stepped on glass.

• 1:13:41Speaker 03

  You can get it in brown, too.

• 1:13:44Duncan Trussell?

  Why do you feel like you have to show that?

• 1:13:46Kurt Metzger?

  I'm glad because I was, you know, I was turned off by the racism until you said that.

• 1:13:51Duncan Trussell?

  There you go. You guys are woke.

• 1:13:53Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, here we go.

• 1:13:54Duncan Trussell?

  You're being woke.

• 1:13:55Kurt Metzger?

  Can I tell you a little motto I live by?

• 1:13:57Duncan Trussell?

  Just because you put that on there, you're tokenizing. It's tokenizing.

• 1:14:00Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, wait, put in the mega fuck slut.

• 1:14:03Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 1:14:03Kurt Metzger?

  Mega fuck slut by PDX. I told this, I was explaining this to Sam Tripoli the other day. By PDX. Yeah. There you go. PDX Stream, that's what it was. Now.

• 1:14:14Duncan Trussell?

  Ah!

• 1:14:17Kurt Metzger?

  So I was in a, uh, I was in the-

• 1:14:20Duncan Trussell?

  That'd be a cool mouse.

• 1:14:23Kurt Metzger?

  A mega fuck slut. It, yeah.

• 1:14:25Duncan Trussell?

  Shrink it down. That's an amazing mouse.

• 1:14:27Kurt Metzger?

  But they also have one in, uh, African-American as well. Don't worry. But I mean, uh-

• 1:14:32Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, now go back. Could you-

• 1:14:34Kurt Metzger?

  If you don't have money for the full doll, right? And you're like, I don't need the all those useless parts.

• 1:14:37Duncan Trussell?

  Why do you need the extra parts?

• 1:14:38Kurt Metzger?

  Right. I just need- Yeah, no, you, please, keep this between us.

• 1:14:44Duncan Trussell?

  No, that's the-

• 1:14:45Kurt Metzger?

  No, she's right to shush you.

• 1:14:46Duncan Trussell?

  Quiet! Do you wanna buy a cadaver torso? Shh!

• 1:14:52Kurt Metzger?

  Me and my fifth wife were buying a Christian dildo at the Hustler store in San Diego.

• 1:14:55Duncan Trussell?

  There is a Christian dildo?

• 1:14:57Kurt Metzger?

  Well, just a basic rabbit, a normal- A normal sanctioned by his holiness, I think. And this fucking thing was in the store. There were stacks of them. And it's only two thou- it's only twenty-two hundred dollars. For a fuckable torso.

• 1:15:17Duncan Trussell?

  Easier to ship.

• 1:15:19Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, now I thought the commercial for it should be like a grizzled vice cop. Like, this torso is the closest thing to the torsos I would often find on my job that drove me to drinking and destroyed my three marriages.

• 1:15:33Duncan Trussell?

  I mean, you could, I mean, you could just like.

• 1:15:35Kurt Metzger?

  Hey, what do you call a girl with no head or arms or legs?

• 1:15:38Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 1:15:39Kurt Metzger?

  A mega fuck slut.

• 1:15:42Kurt Metzger?

  From PDX stream. No, it's not weird. No, America's not Satan. Come on. What a fucking hilarious, like, just, I want you to imagine the Vajankel and the mega fuck slut the next time you hear about like a bad country of bad dictators and shit.

• 1:15:59Duncan Trussell?

  You ever fuck a flashlight?

• 1:16:01Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, I, have I ever entered one is what you mean?

• 1:16:04Duncan Trussell?

  Sorry. God, it's gonna get old though, man. You can't be, alright.

• 1:16:08Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, the answer is yes, because Moon Tower, right here in Austin, Texas, the first Moon Tower, they give everybody a gift basket of fleshlights, both anuses and vaginas. Some, there's a lot of female comics, they got one too. I don't know what they were supposed to do with them. I don't know if they're like, hey, do you have like the other HDMI connect or the other, uh, UCB?

• 1:16:29Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:29Kurt Metzger?

  It's like Apple and Android problems.

• 1:16:31Duncan Trussell?

  Go down on it.

• 1:16:32Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, I was like, I tried it one time. Okay, I remember, and I put it in a, and it's the only time in my whole life that I felt like deeply ashamed that I tried on an outfit, well, tried on something, let's say.

• 1:16:46Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:16:47Kurt Metzger?

  It, you're supposed to like fucking boil it or something to warm it up. Dude, it's like.

• 1:16:52Duncan Trussell?

  No one's gonna do that.

• 1:16:53Kurt Metzger?

  Look, I'm just gonna say this to all the kids. I know there's a lot of impressionable people out there.

• 1:16:56Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:57Kurt Metzger?

  You need the feedback of hand. There's no.

• 1:16:59Duncan Trussell?

  The feedback of hand.

• 1:17:00Kurt Metzger?

  Plastic thing that one of these mad scientists is gonna make, that they're gonna carve into a plastic foot that is gonna duplicate your hand. See, this is the thing with.

• 1:17:09Duncan Trussell?

  Right.

• 1:17:10Kurt Metzger?

  You know, remember before you could find just, uh, the most, uh, disgusting.

• 1:17:16Kurt Metzger?

  Vajankal pornography online, you had to find it in the woods.

• 1:17:20Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:20Kurt Metzger?

  You know, when I was 12, we had a great jerk off imagination, you know? And kids don't have that no more.

• 1:17:26Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:17:27Kurt Metzger?

  Kids do not have a jerk off imagination.

• 1:17:29Duncan Trussell?

  Like 4K.

• 1:17:30Kurt Metzger?

  Now, if you join the military, go to prison, I guarantee you'll get it back. But, uh, you know, you got too much and, uh, and then you're on school shooter pills, a lot of these kids.

• 1:17:41Duncan Trussell?

  I feel, I feel like you're speaking out and to protect the youth, man. That's cool.

• 1:17:45Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, like hand, trust me on this.

• 1:17:48Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:48Kurt Metzger?

  You need the feedback of hand.

• 1:17:50Duncan Trussell?

  The feedback of hand.

• 1:17:51Kurt Metzger?

  This is perverse what they're doing with this. You, you, this is teaching you to objectify. See, a hand is filled with nerves and it's alive. So it's both you and your hand. Do you understand how human it is? Now, I, I understand it's not ideal.

• 1:18:03Duncan Trussell?

  Okay, look, I know.

• 1:18:05Kurt Metzger?

  That's how, oh, Colorado high school shooter was radicalized by the Vajankal? Oh, no. Wait, can we see this? What is this? Missing, it said missing, subject missing, Vajankal.

• 1:18:18Kurt Metzger?

  Well, all right, I'll look at the story anyway. Okay.

• 1:18:22Duncan Trussell?

  It would be fucked if his last name was Vajankal.

• 1:18:27Duncan Trussell?

  It sounds like a last name.

• 1:18:29Kurt Metzger?

  Desmond Holly. So what did he do? Okay, uh.

• 1:18:35Duncan Trussell?

  How, wait, I just want to know how you're weaving this into like telling kids they should jerk off more.

• 1:18:40Kurt Metzger?

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 1:18:42Duncan Trussell?

  I, I know you're not saying that.

• 1:18:43Kurt Metzger?

  Don't turn to the Vajankal.

• 1:18:46Duncan Trussell?

  You're just saying like.

• 1:18:47Kurt Metzger?

  If you think, if you think of fleshlight, you're gonna feel okay with that, you're not unless, and if you do feel okay with it, there's something wrong with you.

• 1:18:55Kurt Metzger?

  There's something really bad. Yeah. If you use a fleshlight successfully, and I don't even know what that would entail.

• 1:19:01Duncan Trussell?

  You have to, like, I remember when I got my.

• 1:19:03Kurt Metzger?

  You just throw it away? I would never use it again.

• 1:19:05Duncan Trussell?

  It's the idea that, do you know what I did with mine?

• 1:19:07Kurt Metzger?

  What?

• 1:19:08Duncan Trussell?

  I penetrated my fleshlight. And I uh.

• 1:19:12Kurt Metzger?

  Turned it into a half cow assassin.

• 1:19:15Duncan Trussell?

  Almost.

• 1:19:15Kurt Metzger?

  I didn't think of that.

• 1:19:16Duncan Trussell?

  No, I'm telling you, I stuck it. So like, just like you're saying, when you fuck a flashlight, the, the shame that courses through your body.

• 1:19:23Kurt Metzger?

  It's like it's a dead body or something.

• 1:19:25Duncan Trussell?

  It's like your ancestors are barfing. Like, it's like you, you.

• 1:19:28Kurt Metzger?

  Like, like Return of the Jedi Star Wars goes of my people, my meemaw. And my dad all looking at me like, oh.

• 1:19:36Duncan Trussell?

  It's like if they were in limbo, they're in hell. Like if you fuck a flashlight.

• 1:19:39Kurt Metzger?

  Seventeen intelligence agencies also watching through my toaster probably.

• 1:19:42Duncan Trussell?

  So I can remember, you know, you, you're so, you can't believe you just, you did that. And so I remember I was in the shower and I stuck it in the window above the shower.

• 1:19:52Kurt Metzger?

  He had to do an age verification for, bought my first.

• 1:19:56Duncan Trussell?

  And threw it away. That's, that's the impulse.

• 1:20:00Kurt Metzger?

  What is pterodactyloid? Now pterodactyloid, I assume their hands are deformed. Uh, that's.

• 1:20:06Duncan Trussell?

  That's so sad.

• 1:20:07Kurt Metzger?

  There's no reason to feel guilty. Now, you know what? Uh, look, a Christian vibrator, like a rabbit that you get from a normal.

• 1:20:15Duncan Trussell?

  Hey, click on pterodactyl.

• 1:20:17Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, arts and crafts store, wherever you buy that, that's fine.

• 1:20:20Duncan Trussell?

  You, you do sound a little old fashioned. Click on t- pterodactyl.

• 1:20:24Kurt Metzger?

  Call me a boomer.

• 1:20:25Duncan Trussell?

  I wanna look at his other posts.

• 1:20:29Kurt Metzger?

  This account.

• 1:20:29Duncan Trussell?

  Banned! This account has been banned! You fucking god only knows what he said.

• 1:20:36Kurt Metzger?

  In my case, it was also dangerous. Okay, I live at my parents. Okay, wait, wait, wait.

• 1:20:42Duncan Trussell?

  Well, I'll get on your boy banging a vajankal. It's a bad moment.

• 1:20:47Kurt Metzger?

  Dude, imagine your mom finding your fucking ankle that you keep.

• 1:20:51Duncan Trussell?

  Filled with chis. Chis to the brim. Like a coffee cup. Oh, God.

• 1:20:59Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, if you find, I mean, if you, look, if you find it, you're like, oh God, let it be unopened in the box.

• 1:21:06Kurt Metzger?

  And then like for like, who would reuse that? How do you clean that?

• 1:21:11Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 1:21:12Kurt Metzger?

  Of a

• 1:21:12Duncan Trussell?

  No one does. Do you fuck it again?

• 1:21:15Kurt Metzger?

  I'll tell you what you do. You wrap a shampoo wow around your dick.

• 1:21:20Duncan Trussell?

  No, man.

• 1:21:21Kurt Metzger?

  And you give it a good fucking like you're making orange juice.

• 1:21:24Duncan Trussell?

  Right now, there's 50 dudes fucking of a Jankel that has not been cleaned for like four months.

• 1:21:30Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, can we go back to the wait? Hold on.

• 1:21:34Kurt Metzger?

  Cause that was an amazing uh.

• 1:21:36Duncan Trussell?

  What's the best way to clean a pocket pussy?

• 1:21:39Kurt Metzger?

  Throw it away. Okay, wait, but what's no not pocket pussy. Stop it. Cause you look, it's like

• 1:21:45Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, go back.

• 1:21:46Kurt Metzger?

  You know what I realized when you say pocket pussy and fleshlight is really like Taco Bell where they really just have one item at the end of the day.

• 1:21:52Duncan Trussell?

  Yes.

• 1:21:53Kurt Metzger?

  Which is pink slime and a tortilla.

• 1:21:54Duncan Trussell?

  It's all the same thing.

• 1:21:55Kurt Metzger?

  What's his name's joke? Whose joke was that? He plays P. He's a funny dude in LA and he would say you feel like Rockefeller going to Taco Bell. I'm blanking on his fucking name.

• 1:22:05Duncan Trussell?

  But here's the other pocket, pocket pussy fleshlight.

• 1:22:10Duncan Trussell?

  White Claw and Zima. It's the same thing. These are Zimas.

• 1:22:13Kurt Metzger?

  Do you ever fuck this part of the?

• 1:22:17Kurt Metzger?

  I've tried and it hurts.

• 1:22:20Duncan Trussell?

  Dude, can you? I want to look.

• 1:22:21Kurt Metzger?

  I couldn't even get in there. I felt like uh

• 1:22:23Duncan Trussell?

  You've

• 1:22:23Kurt Metzger?

  Dale King and Katy Perry going to space. Like I got right to the tip.

• 1:22:27Duncan Trussell?

  Rip your dick up.

• 1:22:28Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, the tip was too fat of the rocket.

• 1:22:31Duncan Trussell?

  Um, I want to look at the other one.

• 1:22:33Kurt Metzger?

  Want a wait. Now this is the thing you bring to Donald Trump right now. You want a pocket pussy, but don't have the money for one. Okay, I know I can never own a home, but can I at least?

• 1:22:43Duncan Trussell?

  This is so sad. That's the saddest thing anyone wrote.

• 1:22:47Kurt Metzger?

  Can I? Can I at least have enough money to own what I call the ultimate tiny home?

• 1:22:55Duncan Trussell?

  But can you imagine going on credit?

• 1:22:57Kurt Metzger?

  Have you looked at the sponge slash cup slash glove model or the?

• 1:23:02Duncan Trussell?

  Costs under five bucks.

• 1:23:04Kurt Metzger?

  The Pringles condom edition? What if you?

• 1:23:08Duncan Trussell?

  Cantaloupes are cheap.

• 1:23:09Kurt Metzger?

  Wait.

• 1:23:10Duncan Trussell?

  This is the worst thread in all of human history. You know, this is what's gonna get us.

• 1:23:13Kurt Metzger?

  I feel like I'm reading the Babylonian Talmud.

• 1:23:17Duncan Trussell?

  Keep going. I want to read every comment. Go back a little bit.

• 1:23:20Kurt Metzger?

  Dude, bro is in poverty.

• 1:23:27Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, Tenga has a 30% student discount?

• 1:23:33Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 1:23:33Duncan Trussell?

  Save up buddy, you can do it.

• 1:23:36Kurt Metzger?

  Well, you might, this is really snobby. You might consider masturbating if you are unable to afford it.

• 1:23:44Duncan Trussell?

  Someone on his yacht for that.

• 1:23:45Kurt Metzger?

  That's like this pipe, the guy. Maybe if you can't afford to masturbate.

• 1:23:48Duncan Trussell?

  Perhaps you should consider masturbating.

• 1:23:52Kurt Metzger?

  I don't like the elitism of Vex 002.

• 1:23:56Duncan Trussell?

  Click on him. Click on Vex. Let's look at the other. Sometimes you can see all the other things they posted.

• 1:24:02Kurt Metzger?

  Please, can we, yeah. Anyone else unable to join?

• 1:24:05Duncan Trussell?

  Can't get into my friend's game. Old fucking billionaire Vex.

• 1:24:15Kurt Metzger?

  Failed to find raid after waiting for 46 minutes. I somehow knew in my soul that would be the post. Well, if you can't afford to masturbate.

• 1:24:24Duncan Trussell?

  Let's go back to this thread though. I think we, I think nothing is like made Karl Marx and what he said like mean as much as this thread.

• 1:24:34Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, this is the death of history as they said.

• 1:24:37Duncan Trussell?

  I want to look at it pleasant. I'd really suggest just waiting and saving up a little bit. That's, wait.

• 1:24:44Kurt Metzger?

  Spend that four bucks on some silicon lube to make masturbating exponentially better. You'll need, oh, I suggest waiting and say, do you understand how low America is at this point? So this is like, I can't afford a home, but I can't afford a pocket pussy for my cock as I slowly evolve into a Greta Thunberg alien. But, look at this.

• 1:25:06Duncan Trussell?

  Click on.

• 1:25:07Kurt Metzger?

  And they're telling them to save up. Yo, that's your future, Tanner. This is your future, dude. Do you understand this?

• 1:25:12Duncan Trussell?

  I just.

• 1:25:12Kurt Metzger?

  You're gonna be like, will there be any legislation on, you know, a loan to buy a pocket pussy? And they're like, no. Sorry. We've got a war in a fucking, some other, some country with too many continents. They're not in a vouch.

• 1:25:26Duncan Trussell?

  But, you know, in other countries like Europe, you don't, you.

• 1:25:31Kurt Metzger?

  Tenga has a 30% student discount.

• 1:25:35Duncan Trussell?

  Click on Homong- Homongobolus.

• 1:25:39Kurt Metzger?

  Homined Hobolus, that's an extra.

• 1:25:42Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, let's go back and read the comment first. Homined Hobolus says, "Spend that four bucks on some silicon lube to make masturbating exponentially better. You'll need it for the condom and lube approach anyhow."

• 1:25:55Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, you buy condoms and then jerk off in them instead of a woman.

• 1:25:59Duncan Trussell?

  Show his fucking avatar first. This is who wrote that.

• 1:26:03Kurt Metzger?

  And I'll bet you, it looks ver- like, I'll bet you that's idealized.

• 1:26:09Duncan Trussell?

  Oh yeah, for sure. Okay, let's look at other comments they've made.

• 1:26:15Kurt Metzger?

  They didn't look good. They looked like whatever.

• 1:26:20Duncan Trussell?

  Find an artist that does nice organic patterns.

• 1:26:24Duncan Trussell?

  Lots of dolphins jumping through pretty blue waves.

• 1:26:27Kurt Metzger?

  Or get a character. It's just, this is whatever. This is, this is a dead end. Let me go back. Some of these mysteries are, you know, a mystery work you find.

• 1:26:35Duncan Trussell?

  You just never know. You never know.

• 1:26:37Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, I'm a college student that literally has four pa- was that like, $7 in America? Probably, yeah. Wait and save up. Tenga eggs are around a tenner. What is a tenga egg?

• 1:26:49Duncan Trussell?

  What's a tenga egg?

• 1:26:50Kurt Metzger?

  See, that's the thread to pull.

• 1:26:51Duncan Trussell?

  That's the thread. What's a tenga egg?

• 1:26:54Kurt Metzger?

  It's up in my pipe.

• 1:26:56Duncan Trussell?

  Did it extend?

• 1:26:57Kurt Metzger?

  I don't know.

• 1:27:00Duncan Trussell?

  That's a tenga egg?

• 1:27:01Kurt Metzger?

  Okay.

• 1:27:02Duncan Trussell?

  This dude's fucking those things?

• 1:27:03Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, this-

• 1:27:05Duncan Trussell?

  Like, what the fuck, dude?

• 1:27:08Speaker 07

  Super stress.

• 1:27:11Duncan Trussell?

  God damn it, he is fucking a- Great for masturbating!

• 1:27:16Kurt Metzger?

  An easy beat egg. Oh, they're way ahead out there, dude.

• 1:27:24Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, because it has a hole in the bottom.

• 1:27:25Speaker 07

  Two, three-

• 1:27:28Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, it's a jerk off, that's for real.

• 1:27:30Kurt Metzger?

  Why, wait, why? Why are we not, uh, advertising this?

• 1:27:34Speaker 07

  Fits almost any size.

• 1:27:36Duncan Trussell?

  I think we are.

• 1:27:37Kurt Metzger?

  Fits almost any size, except, uh, western, human.

• 1:27:42Kurt Metzger?

  Choose your lifestyle. Well, I fuck eggs.

• 1:27:51Kurt Metzger?

  Live with wonder.

• 1:27:52Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, live with wonder. Great advice.

• 1:27:55Kurt Metzger?

  You know what? I gotta say, though, there's a lot less disturbing than an ankle with a vagina carved into it.

• 1:28:02Duncan Trussell?

  Ah, you just sound old.

• 1:28:04Kurt Metzger?

  Do I? Not to be a boomer, but...

• 1:28:06Duncan Trussell?

  You sound like a boomer.

• 1:28:07Kurt Metzger?

  I was a little put off by the, uh, the sole of a foot.

• 1:28:12Duncan Trussell?

  The sole of the foot's fucked up. The ankle makes sense. Let's go to the, uh, that account.

• 1:28:19Kurt Metzger?

  Imagine this. I imagine this is what alien pussy feels like from anonymous. That's what you call disclosure, and that's what Jeremy Corbell didn't show in his movie.

• 1:28:27Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 1:28:34Kurt Metzger?

  That's...

• 1:28:42Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, spoiler alert.

• 1:28:43Duncan Trussell?

  Spiral the pleasure. Read this review.

• 1:28:47Kurt Metzger?

  Wow, small package, crazy.

• 1:28:49Duncan Trussell?

  Crazy performance.

• 1:28:51Kurt Metzger?

  He used to say that about Kevin Hart.

• 1:28:52Duncan Trussell?

  How insane are you that you write a review for a egg you fucked? Do you know how crazy you are? Like, you fucked the egg. Like...

• 1:29:01Kurt Metzger?

  Do we, like, do we find, uh, Tango? You know what? This is another great thread, uh, because, by the way, this closely approximates the Mithras myth of bypassing women altogether and impregnating a stone from which Mithras grows. They're always dog walking you back to like, "Don't go near a pussy. Why don't you fuck..."

• 1:29:19Duncan Trussell?

  Always goes back to that.

• 1:29:20Kurt Metzger?

  Why just fuck petroleum?

• 1:29:24Kurt Metzger?

  I bought my, oh, you know, I'm glad...

• 1:29:27Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, is the Strait of Hormuz being closed making lube prices go up?

• 1:29:31Kurt Metzger?

  That's exactly what's happening. So, right now, so think about Max's future. You're gonna be fighting gangs of roving horny teenagers for eggs to fuck. That's the future.

• 1:29:41Duncan Trussell?

  How much lube comes out of the Strait of Hormuz?

• 1:29:46Kurt Metzger?

  Well, we could have plenty of lube here, but, as you know, the oil companies send the lube to other countries because we don't nationalize our lube.

• 1:29:59Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, what?

• 1:29:59Kurt Metzger?

  The fertilizer is the real bad part.

• 1:30:00Duncan Trussell?

  It is not directly linked to the prices of Tenga eggs.

• 1:30:03Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, I wouldn't trust AI on this one.

• 1:30:07Kurt Metzger?

  How do I invest in Tenga egg? Okay, wait, but I want to see reviews. The future is a fucking an egg. Tenga. Yo, that is the future of all of you.

• 1:30:20Duncan Trussell?

  Maybe that's what we're in right now.

• 1:30:22Kurt Metzger?

  Ladies?

• 1:30:23Duncan Trussell?

  Maybe we're in a fucking Tenga egg.

• 1:30:24Kurt Metzger?

  I don't know how to work-

• 1:30:25Duncan Trussell?

  Have you thought of that? God just fucked a fucking Tenga egg and that's what this is?

• 1:30:29Kurt Metzger?

  So Mithras is burrowing up into the next universe. So every time the age turns-

• 1:30:36Duncan Trussell?

  Yes.

• 1:30:36Kurt Metzger?

  Whatever the god is, is like, killed off and then some great Illuminati motherfucker burrows his way into the new reality through that cosmic egg.

• 1:30:45Duncan Trussell?

  It's a Tenga egg.

• 1:30:46Kurt Metzger?

  And it is a Tenga masturbation egg. It's like, uh, you know, probably significantly less good than the thing God did.

• 1:30:53Duncan Trussell?

  That's why they say that they can't tell us what's really happening. Cause they would be like, all of you are just like in a, in a hyperdimensional fuck egg.

• 1:31:02Kurt Metzger?

  From me to, oh me god, I don't, is that, uh, something from Taoism probably?

• 1:31:09Duncan Trussell?

  Oh wait, can you enlarge it?

• 1:31:10Kurt Metzger?

  Oh me god, is that in, uh...

• 1:31:15Duncan Trussell?

  As my title might suggest, variations- The variations between one egg and another can make for entirely different and fully enjoyable experiences from one to the next. I like to use them when I'm quote, edging, switching from an intense egg to-

• 1:31:37Kurt Metzger?

  Oh god, this is-

• 1:31:40Duncan Trussell?

  From a more intense egg to a more gentle one in backhand.

• 1:31:42Kurt Metzger?

  Take a break from moderating Reddit for five seconds to enjoy an egg.

• 1:31:45Duncan Trussell?

  Using the entire six pack that way, I can find just the right amount of stimulation. Either slow myself down a bit or intensify the sensations for epic, multiple orgasms.

• 1:31:58Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, I wish I could hang out with this guy.

• 1:32:00Duncan Trussell?

  I am a trained sex educator and I can highly recommend Tenga products for developing full body awareness. Sincerely, Anthony Fauci.

• 1:32:10Kurt Metzger?

  Helpful? Yes. Two people like, wow, that is a great review.

• 1:32:14Duncan Trussell?

  Thank you so much. I was on the fence about buying this egg.

• 1:32:17Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, I should probably quit my job at GameStop and review eggs. That's what he's.

• 1:32:24Duncan Trussell?

  That's such a long review.

• 1:32:27Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I wonder about his, you know what? When I read that guy's beautiful review of that Tenga egg, I'm dying to know his review of the new He-Man movie. I'll bet you he's got some insights into, well, they didn't take it seriously. That's the first thing.

• 1:32:42Kurt Metzger?

  That's the one thing about.

• 1:32:42Duncan Trussell?

  Skeletor wasn't scary enough.

• 1:32:44Kurt Metzger?

  No, Skeletor was Jared Leto. You're not doing better than that. So that's a false critique.

• 1:32:49Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, I got stalked by Jared Leto's stalker.

• 1:32:52Kurt Metzger?

  Huh? Your Eskimo stalker goes with Jared.

• 1:32:56Duncan Trussell?

  For real?

• 1:32:57Kurt Metzger?

  Who, can you say who it was or will they stalk me?

• 1:32:59Duncan Trussell?

  Dude, no, I, I, I, I am worried about even talking about it, honestly, but.

• 1:33:04Kurt Metzger?

  If my pipe's upside down, that means distress.

• 1:33:07Duncan Trussell?

  Dude.

• 1:33:09Kurt Metzger?

  That's how you know I'm being stalked.

• 1:33:10Duncan Trussell?

  That's a naval signal.

• 1:33:12Kurt Metzger?

  If you see.

• 1:33:13Duncan Trussell?

  His pop was upside down.

• 1:33:14Kurt Metzger?

  If you see.

• 1:33:15Duncan Trussell?

  Why didn't you do something?

• 1:33:17Kurt Metzger?

  The naval symbol, you'll know that I'm a big draw.

• 1:33:21Kurt Metzger?

  Got one.

• 1:33:22Duncan Trussell?

  Didn't you see it? The upside down pop is the signal.

• 1:33:26Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, no, everything's fine. We're having a great. All right, wait, wait. Let's look at these reviews though, because this Tenga egg thing. Oh, this is single-use sex toys.

• 1:33:37Duncan Trussell?

  Single-use sex toys, destroying the earth.

• 1:33:40Kurt Metzger?

  Well, the review is what I want. Oh, my God. Oh, the Keith Haring series.

• 1:33:46Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, if you're into art, this is what you fuck.

• 1:33:48Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, for, so that's like if it, you can make a little egg, uh, you know, there's like eggs with a prize in them. In this case, it would be AIDS.

• 1:33:55Duncan Trussell?

  Hey, Keith, good news.

• 1:33:58Kurt Metzger?

  Cool, wait, wait, wait, wait. Cool at first, but don't expect to use that long. Interesting.

• 1:34:07Kurt Metzger?

  Would still recommend. It is cool at first. That's what I like about it, how cool it is up front. Um, let's see what, with the say, wait, wait, wait, go back to that review. I, no, no, the other, the description of that thing said the, the feeling you deserve or something's crazy.

• 1:34:26Duncan Trussell?

  What's the number down there? Wait, scroll down real quick. Sorry. What's that number? It's just a date, T. Pull up Ts. It's a four-star review. 12/15/2024.

• 1:34:36Kurt Metzger?

  This might be a code.

• 1:34:37Duncan Trussell?

  Look, look up what happened on December 15th, 2024.

• 1:34:41Kurt Metzger?

  A guy came really hard is what it looks like.

• 1:34:47Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, what happened on that date? And when was that posted?

• 1:34:49Kurt Metzger?

  A guy ruined yet another egg. Boy, imagine that's the pollution is like all the-

• 1:34:54Duncan Trussell?

  Look!

• 1:34:56Duncan Trussell?

  A mysterious wave of unidentified drone sightings across the Northeast. Did you have-

• 1:35:00Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, this is when the fires in LA happened.

• 1:35:04Kurt Metzger?

  Remember? Because the west coast was all fire and the east coast was drones.

• 1:35:09Duncan Trussell?

  Go back to that review. When was it posted?

• 1:35:13Kurt Metzger?

  Helpful? Somebody said no, and I agree.

• 1:35:18Kurt Metzger?

  Go ahead and put me down for a no. Now, let's see more reviews, though, of this fuck egg.

• 1:35:23Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, go up. Wait, I want to read what they're saying. Look, you don't need to worry about applying lotion or leakage, because the smooth pad insertion mechanism creates an airtight, airtight seal and automatically, it has lotion in it.

• 1:35:37Kurt Metzger?

  It, it applies the internal lotion as you insert-

• 1:35:40Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, this is the Keith Haring vacuum cap?

• 1:35:41Kurt Metzger?

  Well, that's already better than women.

• 1:35:45Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, wait, now how do I use it up and down? Okay.

• 1:35:48Duncan Trussell?

  Thanks for explaining.

• 1:35:50Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, so first peel it off. It looks like one of those Japanese, like, fruit juice boxes. Oh.

• 1:36:01Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, like, they like a little chore with their fun fruit juice. Wait, so you can fuck that, too, just-

• 1:36:07Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, that's great.

• 1:36:08Kurt Metzger?

  Insert and use as desired.

• 1:36:11Kurt Metzger?

  You can control the suction by placing your finger.

• 1:36:13Duncan Trussell?

  Hey, can you pull up YouTube?

• 1:36:15Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, it has a fucking carb on it?

• 1:36:18Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up YouTube.

• 1:36:20Kurt Metzger?

  It has a hole that you-

• 1:36:21Duncan Trussell?

  No, it doesn't.

• 1:36:22Kurt Metzger?

  Look, you can control the suction by placing your finger over the air hole while stroking.

• 1:36:26Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, fuck, that's crazy.

• 1:36:28Kurt Metzger?

  My fucking jerk off egg has a carb in it.

• 1:36:30Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, god.

• 1:36:31Kurt Metzger?

  It's like a bowl. Anybody else?

• 1:36:34Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, wait, go back up. Why are there all these dates? Look, 12, 15, look up 5, 6, 23, 20, this is-

• 1:36:41Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, this might relate to cicada.

• 1:36:43Duncan Trussell?

  Look up 6, 23, 20, 25. Why are there dates showing up for fuckable eggs is the reviews?

• 1:36:50Kurt Metzger?

  I like that, um, well, because, first of all-

• 1:36:53Duncan Trussell?

  If this-

• 1:36:54Kurt Metzger?

  The fact that you'd review the egg, like, after you fuck the egg, right? The waves of shame that you're feeling, that's when you're gonna be like, oh, I gotta go review this. I, I don't wanna talk about.

• 1:37:04Duncan Trussell?

  It is weird, a string of dates or, what, what was the name of that conspiracy theory? The furniture store, they said that were selling kids.

• 1:37:11Kurt Metzger?

  Wayfair.

• 1:37:12Duncan Trussell?

  Wayfair. Is this some kind of way?

• 1:37:14Kurt Metzger?

  Whoa, look at this kid's, this has been out for seven years?

• 1:37:18Duncan Trussell?

  Can you play that?

• 1:37:18Kurt Metzger?

  We've already lost the war. Okay, let's see. Let's see this guy's review. Look at those things in the background. I'm here to chat about. Oh, sorry.

• 1:37:29Duncan Trussell?

  Unreal, dude. What you just did is so fucked up.

• 1:37:33Kurt Metzger?

  I, I was reviewing.

• 1:37:34Duncan Trussell?

  It's so wild what you just did.

• 1:37:37Kurt Metzger?

  Boy, did I say jap?

• 1:37:40Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, we can't even edit out all the mistakes I've made. My SNL will be as fucked, dude.

• 1:37:44Duncan Trussell?

  Now, this one was unforgivable. Go ahead and.

• 1:37:45Kurt Metzger?

  I'm maybe gonna get the opportunities of Shane Gillis to be fired. It's over for me now.

• 1:37:52Kurt Metzger?

  Mystery's over, I said, you know, now, again, I meant Jewish American princess, as I said.

• 1:37:58Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, go ahead and play what this, uh, this lady had to say.

• 1:38:01Kurt Metzger?

  The Tenga egg. Um, this is a product that we've carried for many years and we love this egg. The idea behind it is that it is a, the way it's marketed, is that it is a flexible masturbation sleeve designed for masturbating penises. Um, inside each little parcel. You have, um, a egg like this and then a little packet of lubricant. Um, the packaging is really nice and neutral. Uh, the masturbate that.

• 1:38:30Duncan Trussell?

  Uh, you died in a car accident and you're in hell? You're gonna see me for every day, every day, I'm gonna come in and I'm gonna talk about this egg.

• 1:38:39Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, and you have to somehow jerk off and just look right at me. And behind me, I'm gonna keep bringing up the thin brown penis dildo on the shelf as you try to do that.

• 1:38:48Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, go back and let's just survey the dildos on the shelf. I wouldn't pay any attention. I'm just curious what they got.

• 1:38:54Kurt Metzger?

  Now, we got, okay, we, uh, okay, what is that? That is some kind of torture device.

• 1:39:02Duncan Trussell?

  It looks like fucking coffee filter.

• 1:39:04Kurt Metzger?

  That looks like the thing they would put you on in medieval times to confess that you're a Jew.

• 1:39:09Duncan Trussell?

  It's the Illuminati Pyramid. Another signal.

• 1:39:12Kurt Metzger?

  It's a conical.

• 1:39:15Duncan Trussell?

  You got.

• 1:39:15Kurt Metzger?

  Oh.

• 1:39:17Duncan Trussell?

  Is it just going off and?

• 1:39:18Kurt Metzger?

  Hey, the heart wants what it wants. Okay. Uh, and then there's a couple of blue penises.

• 1:39:27Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, that looks just like when you remote viewed Sam Altman's penis. That's the exact shape of him.

• 1:39:31Duncan Trussell?

  I was just thinking that.

• 1:39:33Kurt Metzger?

  And then I'm talking about the one on the end. That's either Keel or Peel's penis from, uh, the comedy team.

• 1:39:39Duncan Trussell?

  It's both. It has an extension. You see, there's two. It's a double cock.

• 1:39:44Kurt Metzger?

  Do you guys know about the Keel and Peel?

• 1:39:46Duncan Trussell?

  Ke and Peel.

• 1:39:48Kurt Metzger?

  Excuse me. Keep and peeps.

• 1:39:51Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:52Kurt Metzger?

  Keel and Peel, do you know about, uh, who's the one that's not the horror director?

• 1:39:59Kurt Metzger?

  Keel. Okay. So supposedly Keel's got a real bitch wife. That's what the kids are saying.

• 1:40:06Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, yeah, I read about this. Yeah.

• 1:40:09Kurt Metzger?

  Because I was saying this, I said it to Rogan. I said it to you. I believe Get Out, the movie Get Out, which I love that, but that is a great movie.

• 1:40:17Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, it's good.

• 1:40:18Kurt Metzger?

  Um, I think that's based on when he met Chelsea Peretti's family.

• 1:40:25Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, my God, dude.

• 1:40:26Kurt Metzger?

  Because her brother's the guy that invented BuzzFeed.

• 1:40:29Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:40:30Kurt Metzger?

  Jonah, uh, Hardcore Acceleration. He wrote an essay in college about how we need to ruin everything to make. He really wrote that. That's her brother. I saw him at the Boston Comedy Club years ago, wearing a scarf indoors. First time I ever saw it, blew my fucking mind.

• 1:40:44Duncan Trussell?

  It melted my brain.

• 1:40:46Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, so what I didn't realize, though, is that, um, it's also about the other guy too. They had some bit, some like white. Now, it's not his wife they're talking about. She's, uh, hey, look, she had two kids. Chelsea was like the ultimate fucking like butterface back in the day.

• 1:41:06Duncan Trussell?

  Pretty.

• 1:41:09Kurt Metzger?

  She's okay.

• 1:41:10Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 1:41:12Duncan Trussell?

  I'm sorry, I'm still.

• 1:41:12Kurt Metzger?

  You said you go pretty, I go she's okay.

• 1:41:14Duncan Trussell?

  No, I'm still spinning out from what you're saying because it's like it, I, I think that's.

• 1:41:19Kurt Metzger?

  Remember get out?

• 1:41:20Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:41:21Kurt Metzger?

  So both these guys, I'm guessing, I, I don't think yes, I think they both have white moms. So, right? So, look. When you talk about people who they hook up with. It's not that.

• 1:41:31Duncan Trussell?

  Their moms.

• 1:41:32Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah. Right? The.

• 1:41:34Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:41:35Kurt Metzger?

  Probably not a blackjack.

• 1:41:36Duncan Trussell?

  It's like the Freudian thing. You want to bang your mom.

• 1:41:39Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I, I don't think it's that. I think it's you have a model of.

• 1:41:41Duncan Trussell?

  No, I, I think you want to bang your mom.

• 1:41:44Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, we're just friends, my, me and my mom, and we're fine with that. And I, I don't care about the rumors. There's nothing going on there. You know? Okay.

• 1:41:52Duncan Trussell?

  I never said so.

• 1:41:53Kurt Metzger?

  She'll tell me.

• 1:41:55Duncan Trussell?

  I think she. I think you shouldn't be so shy.

• 1:41:59Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, I, I'm, I'm sad because my dad never kissed me like Rob Reiner and his boy.

• 1:42:06Duncan Trussell?

  All right, let's show this real quick. This is, um, Metzger's Reddit post.

• 1:42:09Kurt Metzger?

  This is not, okay.

• 1:42:13Kurt Metzger?

  My mom, like, watch this, okay?

• 1:42:15Duncan Trussell?

  It's fine.

• 1:42:16Kurt Metzger?

  Don't say it's my mom.

• 1:42:17Duncan Trussell?

  Dude, everyone wants to have sex with your mom.

• 1:42:19Kurt Metzger?

  Well, she's really tan. I'll tell you, dude, I was fucking with Tony in the mother show. I was like, dude, you like my mom. She's tan as shit. I just kept coming around with tan. My mom is. I don't know why I was doing that. Because he's tan? I don't know. I thought like I could. It was nonsense.

• 1:42:35Duncan Trussell?

  My mom's real tan.

• 1:42:37Kurt Metzger?

  I just kept saying, you're like, dude, bro, lie people.

• 1:42:39Duncan Trussell?

  She's so tan.

• 1:42:40Kurt Metzger?

  Like, your mom's tan as fuck.

• 1:42:44Kurt Metzger?

  Uh. It's like if you met my mom, she'd look exactly like Tony.

• 1:42:49Kurt Metzger?

  That would be. Profound.

• 1:42:56Kurt Metzger?

  They had the same haircut for a while.

• 1:42:57Duncan Trussell?

  What is that?

• 1:42:59Kurt Metzger?

  What? Tony, he's a layoff of testosterone? Is that his problem really?

• 1:43:03Duncan Trussell?

  That's a problem with a camera, right? That's not, what is that?

• 1:43:05Kurt Metzger?

  I notice he's getting really bad roid face. I don't think that's true.

• 1:43:09Duncan Trussell?

  Come on.

• 1:43:11Kurt Metzger?

  That's, you think that's roid face?

• 1:43:13Duncan Trussell?

  It's not roid face.

• 1:43:14Kurt Metzger?

  I think Tony's probably never looked better his whole life than now. I would say fair.

• 1:43:18Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, ever, ever since he got on steroids, he's looked great.

• 1:43:22Kurt Metzger?

  Steroids are, they work, I gotta try them.

• 1:43:24Duncan Trussell?

  Dude, I would love to.

• 1:43:26Kurt Metzger?

  I'm just afraid of needles.

• 1:43:27Duncan Trussell?

  Why don't we get into that? That would be really funny.

• 1:43:30Kurt Metzger?

  If they make a suppository, I'll try it.

• 1:43:33Duncan Trussell?

  I think they do. Look up steroid suppository.

• 1:43:37Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, they do.

• 1:43:38Duncan Trussell?

  There you go, man.

• 1:43:39Kurt Metzger?

  That's hydrocortisone. That's just from my itchy anus.

• 1:43:41Duncan Trussell?

  No, my muscle.

• 1:43:44Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, I keep forgetting this. So, you know, it's gay pride month, as you know.

• 1:43:48Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:43:50Kurt Metzger?

  I cannot wait for shame month next month to shame people because.

• 1:43:53Duncan Trussell?

  I can't either.

• 1:43:54Kurt Metzger?

  When is shame, when is gay shame month?

• 1:43:58Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up.

• 1:43:59Kurt Metzger?

  So, wait, no, no, it's no game.

• 1:44:02Duncan Trussell?

  Every month.

• 1:44:04Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, wait, hold on. There's something called, I, every time I think that he's done a bad search, there is a thing called gay. This is a radical anti-assimilationist movement.

• 1:44:13Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 1:44:15Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, what? Okay, let's see.

• 1:44:17Duncan Trussell?

  What's assimilationist?

• 1:44:18Kurt Metzger?

  Wearing as a protest over the over-commercialization of mainstream pride event groups like the London-based collective Ducky.

• 1:44:25Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 1:44:26Kurt Metzger?

  They've, so you know what? This is like my stupid joke about monkeypox where there's a thing called the Door Alley Festival in San Francisco.

• 1:44:32Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:33Kurt Metzger?

  Which is like an old school ass fucking parade. You know, like the gay pride parade.

• 1:44:37Duncan Trussell?

  The classic ass fucking parades of yore.

• 1:44:40Kurt Metzger?

  And the gay pride parade used to be before they Disney'd that shit up.

• 1:44:44Duncan Trussell?

  Right. No, it was hard, it was hardcore.

• 1:44:46Kurt Metzger?

  Back in the day, you could fuck in the ass in, at a parade in the street.

• 1:44:49Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:49Kurt Metzger?

  Why else would you go to a parade?

• 1:44:51Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, this is before the collapse. This is before.

• 1:44:53Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, what are you going to the moon? I am at this parade.

• 1:44:55Duncan Trussell?

  Let them fuck at the parade.

• 1:44:57Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, we landed on the moon, all right, over and over again until Disney came in. All right, so. That's fucking crazy. Okay, wait. So, remember, okay, there was a bottom-friendly menu on Postmates famously a few years ago.

• 1:45:10Duncan Trussell?

  I never knew that.

• 1:45:11Kurt Metzger?

  You don't remember this? Okay, but there was recently somebody else, they put up a thing about. It's some kind of fever you get from ass fucking too hard? I, bottom fever, it's called. Okay, I don't remember.

• 1:45:27Kurt Metzger?

  Dude.

• 1:45:29Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, and it was like advertising.

• 1:45:31Duncan Trussell?

  Can you imagine your doctor telling you?

• 1:45:34Kurt Metzger?

  No, bottom fever advertisement. Gay, don't put sickness. Oh, okay. Well, maybe I'll work actually.

• 1:45:42Duncan Trussell?

  You're not gonna find bottom fever.

• 1:45:44Kurt Metzger?

  Shigella?

• 1:45:46Duncan Trussell?

  I don't think that's what they mean.

• 1:45:47Kurt Metzger?

  No, there was an ad, like, there was an ad about bottom fever.

• 1:45:51Duncan Trussell?

  Bottom fever.

• 1:45:51Kurt Metzger?

  There's a, yeah, bottom fever adverti-

• 1:45:55Duncan Trussell?

  It sounds like a Queen song.

• 1:45:58Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, advertisement. Hit that.

• 1:46:02Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, go back. You could just click away from it. Go back. Hold on, AI was saying it. No, no, no, no.

• 1:46:07Duncan Trussell?

  Bottoming fever, he found it. It's a physiological response to intense anal sex.

• 1:46:12Kurt Metzger?

  There's a thing about advertisement that was just up and now it's gone.

• 1:46:16Duncan Trussell?

  So there's a commercial for like a medicine?

• 1:46:18Kurt Metzger?

  Keep going, keep going.

• 1:46:25Kurt Metzger?

  No, you were on it. It says, it sounds like you're talking about a viral advertisement. What is bottom fever, June 9, 2026? What is that? Yeah.

• 1:46:33Speaker 07

  There's something called bottoming fever. You can have flu-like symptoms like chills or low-grade fever after intense anal sex. This is an inflammatory response to micro-trauma to your rectal lining. But it's nothing to be worried about.

• 1:46:43Duncan Trussell?

  God, don't worry!

• 1:46:44Speaker 07

  It should resolve on its own within 24 hours.

• 1:46:46Duncan Trussell?

  You're just got a fever.

• 1:46:47Speaker 07

  If it doesn't, and you have a fever that lasts beyond 24 hours, that can be a sign of proctitis. Inflammation of the rectal lining or an early infection that needs to be evaluated.

• 1:46:54Duncan Trussell?

  You're getting fucked sick. The guy said, oh, it's totally normal. And so, well, what are you talking about? Oh, the swelling and the inflammation from getting F-

• 1:47:01Kurt Metzger?

  Raise your hand if you've called that at work for bottom fever. Anyone? Who gets bottom fever here?

• 1:47:09Kurt Metzger?

  I got a fever.

• 1:47:10Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, man, I think I'm getting bottom fever. I don't know, I'm just like feeling weird.

• 1:47:15Kurt Metzger?

  Some advertises just came out, I swear to God, for like, it's not like, um... Okay, so put the bottom-friendly menu from Postmate. This is a few years ago. Every Pride month, because all holidays, understand, are to sell a product. None of them are anything except some reenactment of some dark occult thing combined with commercialism. Okay.

• 1:47:36Kurt Metzger?

  This is legendary.

• 1:47:39Duncan Trussell?

  I know about the Postmates thing.

• 1:47:41Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, do you remember it? And they would show you the.

• 1:47:42Duncan Trussell?

  Now that, didn't that just happen this year?

• 1:47:44Kurt Metzger?

  No, no, it's so long ago now, isn't it?

• 1:47:47Duncan Trussell?

  I thought it was this year.

• 1:47:48Speaker 07

  What are you eating this pride? Well, if you're a top, it seems like you can eat whatever you want.

• 1:47:55Kurt Metzger?

  That's true.

• 1:47:56Speaker 07

  But if you're a bottom.

• 1:47:57Kurt Metzger?

  Even filthy tacos.

• 1:48:00Speaker 07

  Not this pride. Introducing the bottom friendly menu from Postmates.

• 1:48:06Speaker 07

  We teamed up with Dr. Evan Goldstein from Bespoke Surgical to bring you a menu of bottom friendly foods backed by science. In soluble fiber won't help you feel cute.

• 1:48:16Kurt Metzger?

  Back by science. Dr. Evan Goldstein.

• 1:48:18Duncan Trussell?

  We have to put him up right now, Dr. Evan Goldstein.

• 1:48:21Kurt Metzger?

  Tanner, get on the line, Dr. Evan Goldstein. Tell him I need to see him immediately.

• 1:48:25Duncan Trussell?

  I mean.

• 1:48:26Kurt Metzger?

  My temperature's rising.

• 1:48:27Duncan Trussell?

  We don't know for sure this is the same Dr. Evan Golds. Wait, there it is. The second one down.

• 1:48:32Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, it's been searched before.

• 1:48:33Duncan Trussell?

  He's an anal surgeon.

• 1:48:35Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, I'd like you.

• 1:48:36Duncan Trussell?

  Our staff.

• 1:48:37Kurt Metzger?

  I'd like you to tail.

• 1:48:38Duncan Trussell?

  So weird staff pick.

• 1:48:42Kurt Metzger?

  Bespoke. Um, okay, so this is like, we're gonna fix your asshole and take a nice fat fucking black donk in it, right? Nice black hog in your, that's what that I took from that.

• 1:48:54Duncan Trussell?

  So they talked to him and they're like, hey, how do we?

• 1:48:57Kurt Metzger?

  He's a nationally, he's a nationally renowned anal surgeon, if you catch his drift.

• 1:49:02Kurt Metzger?

  Wellness, can you really call it wellness at this point?

• 1:49:05Duncan Trussell?

  Well, he's the co-founder of Future Method, an innovative sex care brand that is the result of.

• 1:49:13Duncan Trussell?

  So basically, like, people with ripped up assholes.

• 1:49:15Kurt Metzger?

  Porn, I bet a lot of porn stars, right?

• 1:49:17Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, yeah, and he fixes it.

• 1:49:19Kurt Metzger?

  This thing just went off on its own. Call Dr. Goldstein.

• 1:49:23Kurt Metzger?

  Dr. G. He's got it because there's some chick that used to be a porn star in the 70s. They had an HBO documentary about it. And when porn started getting more gonzo, where it was like, you'd watch it with your frat. You know, remember in the day, back in the day being college, you and the frat boys, and it'd be like a gangbang video? And you're all jerking each other off and having a good time?

• 1:49:42Duncan Trussell?

  No, I don't remember that.

• 1:49:44Kurt Metzger?

  Doing the consolamentum.

• 1:49:45Duncan Trussell?

  Back in.

• 1:49:46Kurt Metzger?

  Of the Templar on each other.

• 1:49:48Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, I know. I don't, I never did. I never did that.

• 1:49:50Kurt Metzger?

  That's where you blow in your asshole and.

• 1:49:52Duncan Trussell?

  Animation school.

• 1:49:53Kurt Metzger?

  Today, we call it a rusty trombone, but the Templars call it a consolamentum.

• 1:49:58Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, it's so weird. I would just do the same thing.

• 1:50:00Kurt Metzger?

  But anyway, the this chick that was in the seventies point, she goes, because in the seventies, these are a lot of act. So I think we all know this, right? Actors are all some of the dumbest whores that have ever

• 1:50:11Duncan Trussell?

  Hundred percent.

• 1:50:12Kurt Metzger?

  hoard their dumb ass way across this earth.

• 1:50:13Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:50:14Kurt Metzger?

  They literally will. You could put anything inside them. Words that are stupid.

• 1:50:18Duncan Trussell?

  Anything.

• 1:50:19Kurt Metzger?

  You're cock. They're absolutely the most blanked out, many of them victims of vicious satanic mind control from

• 1:50:27Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:28Kurt Metzger?

  such as Thomas Meppe the third, AKA Tom Cruise, from a generational Satanist.

• 1:50:32Duncan Trussell?

  Great actor.

• 1:50:33Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, you would talk about.

• 1:50:35Duncan Trussell?

  Mission Impossible.

• 1:50:36Kurt Metzger?

  When Sean Penn played Harvey Milk, you'd think he didn't fucking get the bottom friendly menu and go go method?

• 1:50:42Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, it's called.

• 1:50:42Kurt Metzger?

  Because I bet he did.

• 1:50:43Duncan Trussell?

  It's called method.

• 1:50:45Kurt Metzger?

  It's called the method and it works.

• 1:50:47Duncan Trussell?

  Hundred percent.

• 1:50:48Kurt Metzger?

  Um, anyway, uh, uh, in the seventies, they're like, oh, no, I'm an actor. I'm just having sex. It's if you really get into acting, right? To just really be in the role.

• 1:50:59Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:00Kurt Metzger?

  Why aren't you? Why aren't you going to get all the way in the role and just like?

• 1:51:03Duncan Trussell?

  You have to.

• 1:51:04Kurt Metzger?

  Hey, I'm gonna play a homeless guy. I'm gonna go sleep on a homeless grate, right?

• 1:51:07Duncan Trussell?

  I would do this for commercial auditions.

• 1:51:10Kurt Metzger?

  Dude, okay, uh, I got a Saturday Night Live. I my Saturday Night Live edition, they love it when two guys kiss on Saturday Night Live. I gotta fuck my best friend.

• 1:51:18Duncan Trussell?

  That's how you get the show.

• 1:51:20Kurt Metzger?

  And and and to this day, Jimmy Fallon has been a treasure, right? I don't know if his best friend is probably an old man he didn't want to deal with, but you see what I'm saying? You get the point.

• 1:51:30Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, you I I understand, like actors are serious about what they do.

• 1:51:34Kurt Metzger?

  They got bottom fever, you might say. So can I show you? Do you watch White Lotus? You're you're from a you you you've been around a lot of elitist kind of.

• 1:51:44Duncan Trussell?

  I like White Lotus.

• 1:51:46Kurt Metzger?

  Sam Rockwell put this. Did anybody watch this on actual White Lotus? Okay, you saw it when it came out?

• 1:51:54Duncan Trussell?

  Which which which is?

• 1:51:55Kurt Metzger?

  It's Sam Rockwell talking to his friend about, um, about, um, his.

• 1:52:02Duncan Trussell?

  Wait, don't. I just want to watch it.

• 1:52:04Kurt Metzger?

  But put the video up. Yeah, put the video up.

• 1:52:08Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, Sam Rockwell. So he improvised this. Okay, it's important to understand that he improvised this. And he's on interviews talking about, he's like, yeah, it just came out of me.

• 1:52:18Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:52:21Speaker 07

  Well, you know, I'm, I moved here because uh,

• 1:52:27Speaker 07

  uh, so I put out an ad looking for a white guy my age, come over and fuck me.

• 1:52:35Kurt Metzger?

  Look at Kurt!

• 1:52:38Kurt Metzger?

  You okay?

• 1:52:39Duncan Trussell?

  Can we cut?

• 1:52:45Kurt Metzger?

  You see what I'm saying?

• 1:52:46Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 1:52:46Kurt Metzger?

  So they thought in porn in the seventies, they were doing real acting.

• 1:52:50Duncan Trussell?

  I just, I don't know even you're talking, I just, I just witnessed one of the most incredible moments of acting I've ever seen in my life. So I don't even know what you're going on about.

• 1:52:59Kurt Metzger?

  Well, because Walt Goggins, I did not fucking, Walt Goggins held in his laugh the whole time. Yo, Sam Rockwood just fucking lay down some, one of the most bizarre improvs I've ever heard.

• 1:53:10Duncan Trussell?

  You know Kurt, not everything's horrible. You know that? Like some things are beautiful. Like sometimes I feel like your, your worldview can see from enjoying.

• 1:53:16Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I think Martin Fevers not.

• 1:53:20Duncan Trussell?

  That has to arguably be the best scene in cinema, right guys? Like I, I've never.

• 1:53:24Kurt Metzger?

  Well HBO show. I mean, it's not TV, but it's not, you know, it's HBO, but.

• 1:53:30Duncan Trussell?

  Can we pull up a Vajankle?

• 1:53:34Kurt Metzger?

  Dude, I got addicted to Vajankles. We should try to act that good, you know? And then like, yo, I, my podcast is trending on Spotify. I get, I can afford all these Vajankles off Timo.

• 1:53:44Duncan Trussell?

  I wonder if it was.

• 1:53:45Kurt Metzger?

  So I get them all, you know?

• 1:53:46Duncan Trussell?

  If it was a smuggled Vajankle in prison.

• 1:53:47Kurt Metzger?

  Then I'm like, am I a Vajankle? I'm like, yo, I want you to fuck my feet.

• 1:53:51Duncan Trussell?

  Why the scar? What the fuck? What is this? This is the shit that makes me feel like what you're saying is real. Like what is that?

• 1:54:00Speaker 03

  That's showing the inside, showing you what you're getting.

• 1:54:03Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, okay. Well, that's great.

• 1:54:04Kurt Metzger?

  It looked like some kind of foot parasite that you get in the jungle.

• 1:54:07Duncan Trussell?

  This is horrible.

• 1:54:08Kurt Metzger?

  Well, you know what I'm talking about? It's called the penis worm.

• 1:54:14Kurt Metzger?

  Where's gold? And put, dude, what if you just like?

• 1:54:17Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, my god.

• 1:54:18Kurt Metzger?

  Left in your bed, two feet with vaginas on the soles, just sticking out of the covers for your wife to see when she comes? No.

• 1:54:27Duncan Trussell?

  It's dick butt. Pull up the dick, pull up the dick butt tattoo.

• 1:54:31Kurt Metzger?

  That's supposed to be a vagina, not a butt.

• 1:54:32Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up dick butt. This is like the classic tattoo. Everyone knows about this. Clearly, this inspired that.

• 1:54:39Kurt Metzger?

  Dick butt.

• 1:54:41Kurt Metzger?

  I don't know about this.

• 1:54:42Duncan Trussell?

  You never knew about dick butt? It's like a dick with a.

• 1:54:45Kurt Metzger?

  I thought you told me that guy goes around.

• 1:54:46Duncan Trussell?

  With a dick in it.

• 1:54:47Kurt Metzger?

  He goes around and talks to kids at schools.

• 1:54:50Duncan Trussell?

  What if that's what the aliens look like?

• 1:54:53Kurt Metzger?

  Yo, that's a great point.

• 1:54:55Duncan Trussell?

  Would you believe him?

• 1:54:57Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I'll tell you something.

• 1:55:01Duncan Trussell?

  You know what? I've always wanted a dick with a pussy in it.

• 1:55:04Kurt Metzger?

  Dude, I sent you those, uh, those pictures from, uh, Joseph Von Hammer Perchstal's Templar books where they talked about.

• 1:55:14Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, it's not far off of this. They would, they would do a thing towards the end of their life, like, uh, Heaven's Gate. So you know how there's castration cults where they're like?

• 1:55:21Duncan Trussell?

  Yes.

• 1:55:22Kurt Metzger?

  So the, so the Templars on their graves, they have it where they're like standing with their legs crossed all funny? I know I texted you. And they're like, mm, and, um, it, and then they're standing on things that are supposed to be like animals or demons, but they're clearly a cock and balls.

• 1:55:38Kurt Metzger?

  So.

• 1:55:38Duncan Trussell?

  Stupid.

• 1:55:39Kurt Metzger?

  They got fully, they got the, uh, uh, consol. I don't know how you call this a consolamento, but where they got the baptism by fire and, uh, where they take everything off and it leaves an upside down Mickey Mouse fucking imprint.

• 1:55:52Duncan Trussell?

  I remember when you told me that. It's the worst thing ever in my life.

• 1:55:55Kurt Metzger?

  I know.

• 1:55:56Duncan Trussell?

  It's like if, if you're saying if someone was castrated, sat on a printer, it would look like that. It would look like Mickey Mouse. If someone, if someone who's dick, right? That's what you're saying. If like you get your, if you get castrated.

• 1:56:10Kurt Metzger?

  The penis. Yeah. This isn't, we're not talking about a Tenga egg here.

• 1:56:13Duncan Trussell?

  Can we pull up black and white picture of Mickey Mouse? Just so people understand what we're like, this terrible thing Metzger told me that I've.

• 1:56:19Kurt Metzger?

  And he's got a widow's peak like a Dracula.

• 1:56:22Duncan Trussell?

  So this, so this is basically like, if you.

• 1:56:25Kurt Metzger?

  Look, I just think Mickey Mouse was just a fun way to teach kids about blackface.

• 1:56:29Duncan Trussell?

  The silhouette's perfect.

• 1:56:33Duncan Trussell?

  So in this case, what are the ears, man? Are they the legs?

• 1:56:36Kurt Metzger?

  Mickey Mouse gas mask, I like the best. You see that?

• 1:56:39Duncan Trussell?

  No.

• 1:56:40Kurt Metzger?

  Put Mickey Mouse.

• 1:56:41Duncan Trussell?

  Oh, yeah, to make kids feel better in the bunkers.

• 1:56:47Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, Mickey Mouse gas mask.

• 1:56:53Duncan Trussell?

  Hey, kids, don't worry.

• 1:56:55Kurt Metzger?

  Dude, that is creepier.

• 1:56:57Duncan Trussell?

  Hey, what's wrong, kids? Everything's fine. We're just in a bunker right now. Everything's cool. Have you ever heard of Cyclone B? Hey, kids?

• 1:57:06Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I mean, holy shit. Well, some of these aren't the original. The original is like wacky as hell, dude.

• 1:57:13Duncan Trussell?

  That's it? The black and white one down there, isn't that it?

• 1:57:15Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 1:57:17Duncan Trussell?

  Hey, kids, you're not in hell.

• 1:57:20Duncan Trussell?

  Do you feel like you're in hell? You're not.

• 1:57:25Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, dude, I, I, I think that's one of the, uh, the funnest things I think I've ever seen besides a smoking vest when it works.

• 1:57:34Duncan Trussell?

  The smoking vest are the best.

• 1:57:36Kurt Metzger?

  So, wait.

• 1:57:38Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, nice. Get some. Oh, I wish I had a Mickey Mouse gas mask so I could inhale this gas.

• 1:57:47Kurt Metzger?

  Wait, so what was the last thing we're gonna do after the, um, that beautiful white lotus story? You had?

• 1:57:54Duncan Trussell?

  Irish doppelganger?

• 1:57:55Kurt Metzger?

  Okay. Now, this mystery, talk about.

• 1:57:58Duncan Trussell?

  This is a real mystery. So, one of my friends sent me this the other day saying that, I have an Irish right wing doppelganger.

• 1:58:08Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah.

• 1:58:08Duncan Trussell?

  And sent me this dude. And like, I just want to say this, like, I feel like that must be a real person, but some part of me, I don't know, it's paranoia, but I, I, I keep, is that AI? Is he AI? He's real, right? That's a real dude. Who just looks like me.

• 1:58:27Kurt Metzger?

  A lot of Irish look like they're fake, you know? Cause you're, look, I've said this on many, uh.

• 1:58:33Duncan Trussell?

  What do you mean?

• 1:58:36Kurt Metzger?

  I'm saying.

• 1:58:37Duncan Trussell?

  What do you mean the Irish look like they're fake?

• 1:58:39Kurt Metzger?

  Cause like.

• 1:58:40Duncan Trussell?

  And that means I look, I'm, I'm real.

• 1:58:42Kurt Metzger?

  There's only two outcomes.

• 1:58:45Kurt Metzger?

  Big Jay and, and, uh, boy, that, D L Hugley got destroyed by Jay and, uh, it looks like a lesbian couple destroyed this black.

• 1:58:55Kurt Metzger?

  Looks like they fucking rehab pit bulls together, don't it?

• 1:59:00Duncan Trussell?

  They got him. What happened to the?

• 1:59:03Kurt Metzger?

  Don't wait, that guy called Jay a Nazi? That is funny as shit. Dale Hughley, I don't know what, did he stop reading or something? Okay, so this guy, now, right wing Duncan, who I gotta say, I, I think he makes a lot of sense.

• 1:59:17Duncan Trussell?

  What, right, right wing me?

• 1:59:19Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, this might be the, the mix up of this Palantir sponsored Duncan versus this stuff.

• 1:59:26Duncan Trussell?

  Look, I know, and some people are accusing me of doing this.

• 1:59:30Speaker 07

  A foreign national tries to behead a white man on the streets of Belfast.

• 1:59:34Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, it's like a U2 song. A foreign national beheads an Irishman on the streets of Belfast.

• 1:59:43Duncan Trussell?

  They set Belfast on fire last night. Did you follow that?

• 1:59:47Kurt Metzger?

  What?

• 1:59:47Duncan Trussell?

  Them burning down Belfast?

• 1:59:49Kurt Metzger?

  On the streets of Belfast, they beheads an Irishman.

• 1:59:58Kurt Metzger?

  Okay, wait, uh, let's, um, look at right wing Duncan's views.

• 2:00:02Duncan Trussell?

  It's so weird.

• 2:00:03Kurt Metzger?

  Same eye, same pretty eye color.

• 2:00:05Duncan Trussell?

  Thank you. Same beard graying. That's the weirdest part. It's like we, our beards are graying the same.

• 2:00:11Kurt Metzger?

  I would say.

• 2:00:12Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, he has a lighter eyebrow.

• 2:00:14Kurt Metzger?

  Just lighten your eyebrows and go on the lam, you could be this guy.

• 2:00:18Speaker 07

  Who's of the issues that these YouTubers seem to miss out on is that the services aren't there to protect and help these people. If the Irish government or the British government allocated 20% of the budget that they use to bring in foreign nationals that like to behead people, just 20% of that budget. So maybe put on hold for maybe two or three months, giving brand new apartments and brand new houses to every foreign national that comes over on a dinghy, jumps off the back of a truck or just.

• 2:00:44Duncan Trussell?

  No.

• 2:00:45Kurt Metzger?

  Not in Ireland. The, the whole, this is what's so funny is Ireland gets the biggest bullshit, all the worst of the globo fucking, like globo homo, which doesn't mean gay, I mean homo, homogeny. They call globo homo, globalist fucking nonsense talk.

• 2:01:01Duncan Trussell?

  Right.

• 2:01:03Kurt Metzger?

  All the worst of Davos. Ireland, in fact, I would say every atrocity that you could think of, they tested out on the Irish.

• 2:01:09Duncan Trussell?

  Why?

• 2:01:10Kurt Metzger?

  Why? Cause the British are fucks, dude. What do you want?

• 2:01:15Kurt Metzger?

  Serpent race, you know?

• 2:01:16Duncan Trussell?

  Pull up Belfast on fire. This was just last night. After this beheading, they started-

• 2:01:21Kurt Metzger?

  Belfast is burning cause a Irishman was at his head so duff.

• 2:01:26Duncan Trussell?

  But you know, you know about that. I'm sure you know about this. You know about all this shit, but like, so basically what's happening here is landlords get money from the Irish government, I guess, to put up immigrants.

• 2:01:38Kurt Metzger?

  Hmm.

• 2:01:38Duncan Trussell?

  And so this was like a targeted thing where they just went and started burning down-

• 2:01:42Kurt Metzger?

  This is like Braveheart. In Braveheart, remember they were like, the problem with Scotland is too many Scot- No, that by the way fictitious, the prima nocta, that's not, that's made up, but they didn't do that. Cause who would stand for that?

• 2:01:52Duncan Trussell?

  First night.

• 2:01:53Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, that's bullshit. It's, I don't know what that's from, but it's not from there and the, they just stuck it in. It's, it's a big-

• 2:01:59Duncan Trussell?

  I didn't know that. That was real.

• 2:02:00Kurt Metzger?

  I mean, I'm sure shit like that happened, but it was-

• 2:02:02Duncan Trussell?

  But it wasn't like built into the code.

• 2:02:03Kurt Metzger?

  Institution.

• 2:02:04Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 2:02:04Kurt Metzger?

  How would you break that to the people? Like, you can't sell them on colonization as well, I would say. But they did do that anyway. They would fucking, you know.

• 2:02:14Duncan Trussell?

  What are you gonna do about it? Like if the king decides to bang your wife, what are you gonna do?

• 2:02:18Kurt Metzger?

  Well, they're doing that. So all those, all like the, and, and again, I'm not trying to take away from, cause they do great work. A lot of these, um, you know, great people in tech and the people that wanna have their own islands with underground-

• 2:02:31Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, of course.

• 2:02:32Kurt Metzger?

  Tunnels that are reasonable things. A lot of people wanna have.

• 2:02:34Duncan Trussell?

  Of course. He doesn't want an island.

• 2:02:35Kurt Metzger?

  You don't wanna have an island with tunnels? Name one person you know.

• 2:02:38Duncan Trussell?

  Everyone wants an island with tunnels. I mean, that, that's across the board.

• 2:02:42Kurt Metzger?

  If we're gonna get to the Venetian city-state system that we were hoping to have.

• 2:02:45Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 2:02:46Kurt Metzger?

  We need to break down, uh, alchemically every country. Number one, get the fucking Irish to fuck out of Ireland. Just cause they're from there. What the fuck is that?

• 2:02:58Kurt Metzger?

  What is that?

• 2:03:03Duncan Trussell?

  What is that? Oh, an island tunnel.

• 2:03:06Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, maps for kids.

• 2:03:09Speaker 03

  It's in the Faroe Islands. It's like the tunnels there.

• 2:03:12Kurt Metzger?

  I think I found, I found my snusis. Thank goodness. I found it. Okay. So wait. Um, so Davos, all that shit. Oh, I meant to ask Eric, we should get Eric Guarnice, you know, cause I wanna ask him, cause 20 years ago, he wrote a paper on how to flood.

• 2:03:28Kurt Metzger?

  To how to flood migrants without people getting mad?

• 2:03:30Duncan Trussell?

  What?

• 2:03:31Kurt Metzger?

  I'm paraphrasing it badly. I'm sure he'll explain it better than I am. But um, you know, he works for hedge fund people.

• 2:03:37Duncan Trussell?

  It has to do with physics.

• 2:03:38Kurt Metzger?

  Physics? No. It has to do with flooding migrants into Europe and also America. China, they want us to be China. Do you know that? That's the goal is China. Just for us to be like China.

• 2:03:51Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:03:51Kurt Metzger?

  That's why when you go, hey, I don't think all my water should go to this AI. Center to that's being used to spy on me and turn my car off and shit.

• 2:04:00Duncan Trussell?

  Right.

• 2:04:00Kurt Metzger?

  They go, do you want China to win?

• 2:04:02Duncan Trussell?

  Right.

• 2:04:03Kurt Metzger?

  Cause China's way ahead.

• 2:04:04Duncan Trussell?

  Way ahead.

• 2:04:05Kurt Metzger?

  It's not even as fucked up as we are actually. So, so they wanted to be like China and so China never needed to be a mass migration to break them down. Right? The Chinese Communist Party is famous. They're famous for putting them all somewhere over some, you know, Taiwan has all the preserved old China shit.

• 2:04:26Duncan Trussell?

  I got you.

• 2:04:27Kurt Metzger?

  And the goal is that mall world kind of fucking thing.

• 2:04:29Duncan Trussell?

  It's like, it's like a successful generational brainwashing. It's like, it's what it looks like when it works.

• 2:04:36Kurt Metzger?

  Everybody's, the goals are one world government. We just want to get to Star Trek. I don't know why you guys act.

• 2:04:40Duncan Trussell?

  Mass surveillance?

• 2:04:41Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah. Do you think Star Trek doesn't have mass surveillance? You think that they are not constantly being spied on in the utopian world of Star Trek?

• 2:04:47Duncan Trussell?

  There's not a private mode in the holodeck. Everybody knows.

• 2:04:50Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, they probably don't even think to jerk off.

• 2:04:52Duncan Trussell?

  Right.

• 2:04:53Kurt Metzger?

  You know, they don't need an egg anymore.

• 2:04:54Duncan Trussell?

  Right.

• 2:04:55Kurt Metzger?

  Or I don't know what they do. They go to the holodeck and do.

• 2:04:57Duncan Trussell?

  You go fuck on the holodeck. A hundred percent.

• 2:04:59Kurt Metzger?

  I wonder in Star Trek, like would they observe your holodeck records?

• 2:05:02Duncan Trussell?

  Yes. It's like you have to go to somewhere on the ship and act like you're not going in there to fuck.

• 2:05:08Kurt Metzger?

  They have like a space rabbi that owns, uh,

• 2:05:13Kurt Metzger?

  that owns, uh,

• 2:05:13Duncan Trussell?

  Owns the holodeck?

• 2:05:14Kurt Metzger?

  Hol- only, that only deck. It's like, you could have a hologram of some.

• 2:05:21Duncan Trussell?

  The floors are sticky on the holodeck. Like no one ever goes in there and doesn't jerk off.

• 2:05:25Kurt Metzger?

  A foot with a vagina in the sole of it. And I don't want you to ask questions, holodeck. Just make what I asked. And I don't put it on the rec- ah, whatever.

• 2:05:34Duncan Trussell?

  But you're saying like, the whole thing is pushing the world to be like this sort of completely, you just forget history.

• 2:05:42Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, right. So that, then you don't need time travel. You know, if I just like hide, if you just don't know any history, it's like I reset time.

• 2:05:54Kurt Metzger?

  I don't need a tag.

• 2:05:54Duncan Trussell?

  That is so fucked up.

• 2:05:56Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah. So, and then I could throw a bunch of bullshit out, you know, like fucking Tartarian mud floods and that horseshit. And, um, and a half the people get off on that exit and it's cool, dude, you know?

• 2:06:09Duncan Trussell?

  That's so crazy.

• 2:06:10Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, uh, that, it's a real, uh.

• 2:06:14Duncan Trussell?

  It's really, I mean, and it wouldn't, I mean, if you were willing to be like completely Machiavellian, you could do that. It wouldn't be that hard to do.

• 2:06:22Kurt Metzger?

  Well, I'm just glad good people are in charge and, uh, I want to thank our friends at Tenga.

• 2:06:26Duncan Trussell?

  Thank you, Tenga.

• 2:06:28Kurt Metzger?

  Uh, that boy, it's the stretchable egg that.

• 2:06:31Duncan Trussell?

  Check out the new mystery voice.

• 2:06:32Kurt Metzger?

  What is their slogan again? They had a wonderful slogan.

• 2:06:34Duncan Trussell?

  Masturbate better. Simple. Beautiful.

• 2:06:37Kurt Metzger?

  Different strokes for different yolks. Now that's good.

• 2:06:40Duncan Trussell?

  Love, freedom and tanga.

• 2:06:42Kurt Metzger?

  Open, use, close and dispose.

• 2:06:46Kurt Metzger?

  Now come on dude, what more could you ask for? And then your discarded eggs, I think you should recycle them into Pokemon. Myself, but that's just my opinion. What do you say in the comments?

• 2:07:08Kurt Metzger?

  Guys, like.

• 2:07:13Duncan Trussell?

  We want to know what you think in the comments down below.

• 2:07:17Kurt Metzger?

  What do you think about the book of cows?

• 2:07:19Duncan Trussell?

  What do you think about rubbing tortoise blood on an ape's vagina? Like and subscribe, leave a comment below.

• 2:07:25Kurt Metzger?

  Oh, is this really some kind of deep occult knowledge? Yes, that's all it is.

• 2:07:30Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 2:07:30Kurt Metzger?

  Imagine the grossest things you ever heard in your life. Well, you know, you just heard them on our show.

• 2:07:38Kurt Metzger?

  That's what magic is. That's why they gotta build a whole Disney amusement park around it. Cause it's that gross.

• 2:07:45Duncan Trussell?

  You mean the, America is the amusement park?

• 2:07:49Kurt Metzger?

  No, America is a big Petri dish for the great work, which will be the world government, but, but Disney, uh, that guy Moon has a great video on it now. Cause you know Ford had a 15 minute city for rubber in Brazil that it's like he's, he pays you better than any other job, right? But he's in your life. Are you smoking? Yeah, and that's, so they've all these fucking dipshit kinda oligarch dudes out of that fucking Bioshock game. All these people have the same idea, which is like a town of freedom.

• 2:08:22Duncan Trussell?

  Didn't RFK say everyone should have a wearable? Did you see that? Like he was saying like, people, everyone should be putting wearable.

• 2:08:29Kurt Metzger?

  And he said, I should save raccoon penises I find, and I have been.

• 2:08:34Kurt Metzger?

  Look, I'm not against it. RFK has a new animal adventure every other day.

• 2:08:39Duncan Trussell?

  But how many raccoon penises has he collected?

• 2:08:42Kurt Metzger?

  I don't know, but I, I, look, the guy knows his stuff on science until, Trump got in and he has to not say the things he knows anymore.

• 2:08:51Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 2:08:51Kurt Metzger?

  It's like, hey, do you wanna get it? Look, we're thinking about sometime phasing out phosph- uh, that shit that makes the frogs gay eventually, phosphine. Whatever the fuck that is. Monsanto juice.

• 2:09:03Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 2:09:04Kurt Metzger?

  We can't take it out of the shit now, like right away, even though it's killing you.

• 2:09:08Duncan Trussell?

  Takes time.

• 2:09:08Kurt Metzger?

  It'll destroy the economy. You want the economy ruined?

• 2:09:11Duncan Trussell?

  You love your country?

• 2:09:12Kurt Metzger?

  Cause your kids got no taints and their balls and their assholes touchdown.

• 2:09:15Duncan Trussell?

  It's a big deal.

• 2:09:15Kurt Metzger?

  They don't know what the fuck gay is.

• 2:09:18Duncan Trussell?

  No big deal.

• 2:09:18Kurt Metzger?

  They think all these things are just like not gay, they're gay and nobody knows what the fuck anything is.

• 2:09:23Duncan Trussell?

  So it's just like, it's.

• 2:09:24Kurt Metzger?

  It's like a goddamn cow feed if somebody jammed bloody dough in with their cock. That's what this country is. And you look at it and you die from being cursed. And that's the sad esoteric truth.

• 2:09:37Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah.

• 2:09:38Kurt Metzger?

  Brought to you by Tenga Egg.

• 2:09:39Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah, masturbate better. Thank you, Tenga Egg. Use offer code MYSTERY to get.

• 2:09:50Duncan Trussell?

  To get

• 2:09:50Kurt Metzger?

  Off a good mystery.

• 2:09:51Duncan Trussell?

  I don't know what the deal is.

• 2:09:52Kurt Metzger?

  To get 5% off.

• 2:09:53Duncan Trussell?

  Your sunstone.

• 2:09:54Kurt Metzger?

  Your next Tenga sleeve. Your next Tenga carrying case.

• 2:09:59Duncan Trussell?

  It's an ape's vagina smeared with tortoise blood.

• 2:10:03Kurt Metzger?

  There's a lot of poetry in that.

• 2:10:05Duncan Trussell?

  Yeah. This is a good show, man. I think this was good.

• 2:10:08Kurt Metzger?

  Maybe that was just an allegory.

• 2:10:11Duncan Trussell?

  What? The tortoise blood or the Tenga?

• 2:10:13Kurt Metzger?

  Yeah, like maybe one of them represents something.

• 2:10:15Duncan Trussell?

  It doesn't represent shit.

• 2:10:17Kurt Metzger?

  Something with the Balkans.

• 2:10:18Duncan Trussell?

  That's like a... No. That was what they were doing back then.

• 2:10:21Kurt Metzger?

  It represents our adventures in Eastern Europe.

• 2:10:23Duncan Trussell?

  100%. I don't think that's any kind of code. I think that's real. I think they were rubbing...

• 2:10:28Kurt Metzger?

  You gotta know what you're getting with it. That's pretty clear. Alright.

• 2:10:33Duncan Trussell?

  Again, don't forget to go to tenga.com to get one of our special mystery boy eggs.

• 2:10:42Kurt Metzger?

  Well, act another mystery, boys.

• 2:10:44Duncan Trussell?

  I was not real about this nigga was nigger fun he shot over again.

• 2:11:20Speaker 00

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