157: Why You Obsess Over Your Ex & How to Stop

Why does heartbreak feel like the end of the world while your ex seems fine? In this episode, Sabrina Zohar breaks down the neuroscience of heartbreak, explaining why your brain gets stuck on your ex, why nothing feels enjoyable anymore, and why closure is a myth. You’ll learn the three brain systems that keep you looping, along with practical tools to rewire your mind, stop obsessing, and finally move forward. Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Enrollment for The Self Love Course, The Nervous System Course, and The Break Up Course is now closed. For your continued education and growth, please explore The Foundation Course, which is currently available. Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Born from the intensity of a night in the eternal city. Introducing Born in Roma Fragrances by Valentino. Feminine perfume Donna Born in Roma features juicy black currant, central jasmine, soft cashmerin and warm vanilla. Masculine leaning but unisex Womo has notes of fresh violet leaf, aromatic sage, green vetiver and mineral salt. Shop holiday gifts at Macy's.com.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Football has a play for just about everything. You can go deep, keep it on the ground, or draw up something nobody sees coming. And whether you want to run a flea flicker or the tush push, you need a plan to fit your unique situation. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you so they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Now that's a solid game plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

• 0:59Sabrina Zohar?

  Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, my babes. We have another week. And this week, we're going to hit on something that you guys have written in a lot. And if you don't follow on social at the Sabrina Zohar Show on Insta, this is where I get the questions from you guys of, "They moved on and I haven't. I don't know how to get over this person. I need the closure. I am freaking out. They broke it off with me. How would they..." All of this stuff. I got you, babes. And today, we're going to debunk it all. And I'm going to give you guys some tools. I'm going to give you some help. But as always, if you guys need more, this is a pretty major announcement. We are taking down, we are stopping the breakup, the nervous system and the self-love course. Now, what that means for you guys means that you could buy it right now

• 1:41Sabrina Zohar?

  and then no one will be able to buy it after September 1st. That's it. And it's only because new things are coming. And we wanted to just keep things fresh and have a finality to some aspects. So if you guys need anything, go join those courses right now. They are going to be yours for life. You still get the unlimited group coaching every single month, but it's just not going to be available for purchase after September 1st or August 34th, or whatever the fuck the last day of the month is. So just wanted to give you guys that note. If you need anything, everything's on the link in bio or the show notes. I'm here if you want to work one-on-one, ask a question, or just being here means the fucking world. Don't forget, rate and review the show. Leave a comment anywhere you're listening. It means the world, even if it's just a heart on the episode. I cannot tell you how much that helps me and I'm so fucking grateful. Thank you, guys, all for being here and supporting.

• 2:24Sabrina Zohar?

  And just allowing me to be me so that you can also show up as you. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hey babes, I know, we all think that we need closure. We all think that we need to have the answer. We all thi- I get it, I know, I hear you ma babies and I know the fucking pain points. But let's talk about some other stuff. And here are some questions you guys asked. He's already with someone new after three months and I'm still devastated. Why do I feel like I'm literally dying inside while my ex is posting happy photos on Instagram? But maybe we should turn this on its head. What if everything you've been told about moving on is wrong? What if the problem isn't that you're weak, which it's not? It's that your brain is stuck in three specific neural pathways that can be rewired. And so that's, you know me guys, I love the fucking brain and I love the neuroscience. And I wanted to evolve.

• 3:08Sabrina Zohar?

  And as you guys know, for anybody who has been an OG and you've been along the ride, let's fucking go. We're going to continue to evolve the content. And we are going to, like the friendship episode had to have been one of the best received episodes I have ever had. Like, we're gonna do more and I'm here for you guys. If you're not here for things outside of relationships, that's okay, right? That's cool, like you can come for what works. But if you are, we're going to evolve the conversation because we need to go into, it's not just about like, my nervous system's dysregulated, give me three tools. Like, let's go beyond that. And that's why I'm actually excited because those courses are being taken away and we're gonna now just have the foundation course that'll be available. I'm going to be creating new stuff for you guys. I'm going to be creating new courses. So feel free to leave it in the comments as well. If you're like, oh my God, I would love a course on this or I really need support with this, that I can do to offer you guys. Because at the end of the day, like, listen, podcasts are great and all of these things,

• 3:53Sabrina Zohar?

  but not everything can just be a free resource or a free guide. Like, we do need to invest. And when you invest in yourself, you're telling yourself, I matter. And bitch, I'll tell you, you all know I've been doing my mold detox. I don't miss a fucking appointment, I don't miss anything, because I paid for that shit. I love Dr. Tori, she is saving my goddamn brain and my body and my life. But it really means the world to me because I'm investing in myself, telling myself I matter. Something that, growing up, nobody did. So just now, all the shit's here for you guys and I'm excited. So, let's go into kind of the three system breakdown. So the first one, the first system is your prediction engine. Is broken, right? And that's what we think. So we have something called the default mode network. And we've talked about the default, the DMN, right? We've had Nicole and we're gonna have Chris Lee on. And I'm so excited and his episode is gonna be so great.

• 4:37Sabrina Zohar?

  But the default mode network is your brain's autopilot and it creates internal stories and predictions. That is why our brain goes to that first. And so your brain, remember, when I say your brain is not trying to help you grow, it's trying to keep you safe. What I mean by that is after your developmental stage, after 28, your brain, and even before that, but like your brain is developing, but it's not helping you grow. Your brain doesn't know that right now you're an adult with credit cards and an ATM and, you know, a safety and a home. Your brain and your nervous system are like, nope, they're still a six-year-old. They're still not safe. They still don't feel good. We need to keep this person safe. And it's like, okay, but is that actually working? And after a breakup or after something ends, the system gets stuck in repetitive loops and it's constantly predicting they will return. And that's why you'll start to feel like, I feel like I'm going fucking insane.

• 5:22Sabrina Zohar?

  And it's like, you're not. Your default mode network is on a loop. It's just hoping like, and honestly, like I was talking about this live today and it kind of hit me this morning was we were talking about, do they always come back? And I was like, for anybody that wants stuff, we've got a short on that on YouTube. So go check it out. But we were talking about that and I said, you know what? My father always came back and look where I'm at. My dad did. He always came back at some point. At some point he would return, but that did not mean it was a positive thing. And so that's where I'm like, as a child, we're always hoping, are they gonna come back for me? Are they gonna come back for me? And hoping that they're gonna change, but that doesn't mean that they will. And those repetitive loops, they're predicting they're gonna return because your body and your brain are like, I'm only safe if I have them. So I need to figure out how to stay safe and how to get them back. And so there was a study done in Barcelona that the default mode network

• 6:06Sabrina Zohar?

  becomes 40% less flexible after relationship loss. So that's why it feels like you're just stuck on these loops. Because when it feels a loss, your brain is going into overdrive to try to keep you safe. It doesn't know what's going on. And if along the lines, losing someone meant I'm not safe or I'm gonna be in danger, well, then that could be why you're completely hyper fixated and focused on this person. And so one of you guys had asked, I keep replaying the same memories. Why can't I think about anything else? Okay, well, you wanna know why this matters? Because your brain literally cannot imagine a future without them because your prediction system is locked on one story. And again, that's what your brain is doing because think about it as a kid, if you stuck on one thing of like, no, no, no, I'm gonna be saved by this, it's not gonna be by that. Your brain's like, okay, I gotta hold on to it.

• 6:51Sabrina Zohar?

  I gotta hold on to it because it's predictive. It's trying to lock in on one story so it can keep you safe. Your brain's not designed to be like, ooh, let me project 17 different things and maybe I could choose the safe one. No, I wish. And so what you could do, so you can force new predictions by doing things you've never fucking done before, and that is called novel input protocol. And so maybe it's if I always default to when I think of them, I'm gonna start spiraling it, maybe what I do is I'm like, I'm gonna go grab an ice cube. And you know, Britt was saying like, that you could do, like, if you really wanna trick your brain, hop backwards on one foot and try to tap your head. And like, do something that feels so weird because when you do that, you loop, you pattern interrupt. And then we can go into story interruption.

• 7:34Sabrina Zohar?

  When you catch yourself in the what if they come back loop, I want you to ask yourself, and what if they don't and that's actually better? We can reframe, what if they don't come back? And what if they don't and that's actually fucking better? We can start to reframe, and what if, here's a crazy thought, what if I meet somebody and my needs are actually met and this is the right person for me and allowing this person to leave my life made space for the right fucking person for me? What if we reframe our negative and core beliefs into something that actually fucking serves us? Because we have no problem being cheerleaders to our friends, but yet when it comes to us, we wanna just attack ourselves and talk shit. And the timeline here, and like, here's a really, this is like a harsh reality because I think a lot of people want this like immediacy of like, I don't wanna deal with this anymore. It can take eight to 10 weeks of consistent novel experiences to regain default mode network flexibility.

• 8:19Sabrina Zohar?

  It could take you, and that's why when people ask how long is it gonna take? I don't know. It also depends on the work that's being done. What are you do, are we comparing ourselves to them? Are we starting to create a story and a narrative of like, they moved on because, I see, I knew I was the problem. I knew it must have been me. Okay, so your default mode network is in one space and it's looking for things to reaffirm that. And that's why we're gonna start to overplay everything. That's why we're gonna start to go back onto those loops, because your brain is gonna do anything to prove that right, because that is like, ooh, okay, I proved it right, now I can keep them safe. So the second system, right, we talked about the first one, is your disappointment center is being hijacked. And I know, terrible word. So there's something called the lateral habenula. I'm probably fucked that up. I'm not a neuroscientist.

• 9:01Sabrina Zohar?

  So the lateral habenula is your brain's disappointment center, quote unquote, and so it normally signals when reality is worse than expected. And that's also why, like, after a breakup, you become hyperfixated and hyperactive, you're firing, because you're firing constantly and making everything feel disappointing. And so that part of your brain is just constantly firing off of like, this is the end of the world, this is the end of the world, you're super disappointed, everything is bad, and it feels like, I had that the other day even. I had a little bit, not like a falling out with friends, but like, we had just like a thing, and I could not see clearly. Everything in the day was revolving around that, was revolving around the like, oh my god, it's the end, oh my god, this isn't gonna work, oh my god, everything is bad. And then when I really started, once I processed and a few days later I came back, everything

• 9:45Sabrina Zohar?

  was felt disappointing, like, the whole day, every, every, I didn't fucking mess, the fact that when one friend didn't message me, felt disappointing. And then three days later, I had to challenge that, and I was like, no, no, you were just in your shit. Because then I messaged her and she was like, dude, I haven't heard from you in so long. And I was like, because it just masked it. And then we have something called the cruel loop. So it's a hyperactive habenula, and then it suppresses dopamine, which is why the world feels gray and hopeless, because when that is hyperactive, you're suppressing the dopamine, which is that reward drug, which is the feel-good. And so when your brain is already, it's not like working against you, but when your brain is already kind of not really helping you in that way, that's why things are gonna just feel like it's the end of the world and I don't want anything. And I totally fucking get that. And I totally get that, but we have to really start to challenge that.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  Born from the intensity of a night in the eternal city. Introducing Born in Roma Fragrances by Valentino. Feminine perfume Donna Born in Roma features juicy black currant, central jasmine, soft cashmerin, and warm vanilla. Masculine leaning but unisex Womo has notes of fresh violet leaf, aromatic sage, green vetiver, and mineral salt. Shop holiday gifts at Macy's.com.

• 10:57Sabrina Zohar?

  And one of you guys had asked, "Nothing makes me feel happy anymore. Even things I used to do and love feel fucking pointless." This isn't depression, right? And I mean, I'm not gonna diagnose, but please, if your doctor's diagnosing you with depression, of course, follow that. But if you're describing that specifically after a breakup, right? It's not like, "I feel hopeless in life," which is totally normal and real. This isn't depression. It's a specific brain circuit stuck in the disappointment mode. Your reward system is offline. And so, again, when you're not getting the neurotransmitters that you need, that's why you're gonna feel even fucking lower. And so, something that you could do is something that's called the micro reward reset. So, start with tiny wins, your habanula. Can I do this? Habanula. I can do this, y'all. The tiny wins that your habanula can actually register, right? So, maybe it's like a five-minute task. Maybe it's drinking water.

• 11:41Sabrina Zohar?

  Maybe it's going for a walk. Do something that your reward system can actually be like, "Oh, oh, I did do something well today." Then we need to kind of look at like expectation lowering. I need you to deliberately set the bar so low that you can't be disappointed. So, the goal might be, get dressed, get out of bed, brush your teeth, use the bathroom. Not, "I need to feel better." Because when you're like, "I need to feel better," your brain's like, "Great. How are we gonna do that? You gonna give me the drugs, right? Are you gonna give me something?" And so, if you're feeling like, "Oh, I'm just so down and I can't get up," it's like, "That's okay. Maybe it's just sitting up straight." Maybe even in a journal, we can say, "Like, I remember when my ex left me and I was a fucking shell of a human. I would celebrate the days where I was like, 'Oh, my God, I ate something today. Holy shit.'" Or, "Oh, my God, I went through a day where I didn't attack myself. Holy shit."

• 12:25Sabrina Zohar?

  Something that I was like, "That was big for me." But I want you to do it so low that you're not gonna disappoint yourself. "I took three steps today." Okay? Unless you literally didn't leave bed and you're a fucking Papa Joe from Willy Wonka. It's like, unless you're not leaving, do small things. Those are small wins. Because those are small wins that your brain's like, "Oh, okay, I'm not a total fucking worthless piece of shit. I am doing this well." Because you're not. And let me remind you of that. Something that's really important is social oxytocin. Time with friends releases good oxytocin that dampens the habanera activity. You know what? We're going with habanera, like habanera. Habanula. And so go out, that's why I'm saying like, go out and be with your friends. Go out and do things. Cause it's kind of the timeline here is like, it could take six to eight weeks to recalibrate your disappointment threshold. And that's why I'm saying like, a lot of these things, everything feels like the end of the world of like, oh my God, and then this.

• 13:10Sabrina Zohar?

  And it's like, and I've had that. I have had that where like, I get bad news for one of the day, like something in the day, that everything in the day is like, nope, that's it, black cloud. Until I start and I'm like, actually, wow, that was a win. Like I ate three meals today. And for me, it's actually pretty major. I'm not gonna lie. I don't really eat. That's why I like, I fucking love like Green Chef and all the different sponsors that we have that have meal deliveries because like, that's huge for me. And if I don't eat, then I don't get my nutrients, then my blood sugar's off. And it's like, ugh, look at us. So let's go into the third system because I want to make sure that we're actually hitting on things that, I don't think the average person really talks about this of like, why I need all this. And we all know, like, the whole closure thing is a fucking fallacy and a myth. But your bonding chemistry is in crisis mode. And that's something really real. And so it's called the oxytocin paradox.

• 13:52Sabrina Zohar?

  So instead of dropping after a breakup, oxytocin spikes as your brain desperately tries to repair the broken bond. And so then think about it, if you're getting all this oxytocin, which is the attachment, the, the go to them, and then your dopamine is being completely depleted, which is that reward drug, that's why you're like, I need them even more, but you're not feeling satisfied by anything because you're not getting anything out of it. And so then we have the result is more obsessive thoughts. You're compulsively checking and like, kind of a tribal, like us versus them thinking about their new life. Like they must've moved on, they must be so happy, they must be doing all this. And one of you guys had asked, I keep checking their social media even though it hurts, why can't I stop? Well, here's the reality. Can't, not the word I would say. I would say this is a more of, it's still a choice, right? But it's, you're not weak willed.

• 14:36Sabrina Zohar?

  It's not like, oh, I literally can't. It's that your bonding chemistry is literally in emergency repair mode and is trying to rebuild a connection that no longer exists. And that's why it's constantly going in. Because again, as a child, if that felt familiar, that you were always trying to reconnect things that were broken, you're going to do that in your adult life. And so something that you could do is redirect the oxytocin. I want you to channel that bonding energy towards people and new activities instead of trying to fix the old relationship. And so maybe that means like, I'm gonna go out, like for me, when I moved to Venice, I could have just sat and cried over all the things that didn't work. But I was like, no, I found a new studio and I went to that. I found new hype club and I went to that. I interjected myself into the community so that I can, instead of focusing on wasn't working, I could focus on what was to come. And maybe we go cold turkey, like I did when I went

• 15:20Sabrina Zohar?

  through my whole entire like fucking redo. I went cold turkey. So maybe we do a no social media contact for 30 fucking days to let your oxytocin levels normalize. And same with your neurotrans, all the other neurotransmitters. Your dopamine is gonna be depleted. You're going through a withdrawal like drugs. And that's why, if you haven't joined, right, if you need it, get it now, baby, is the breakup course before it's gone. But that's what we say, 30 days of a withdrawal. And don't worry, guys, I'm gonna create new courses. I just wanna be able to hit pain points that you're actually going through, and I think that we could do different things. So like I said, feel free to comment here of like, oh my god, I'd love a course with this. Like, holy shit, that would be so helpful. Helps me to know where you guys are at. I just wanna be able to meet you where you are. Like I said, as always, join the foundation course. The foundation course is really where we lay the groundwork of like, what's to come. So if you're

• 16:03Sabrina Zohar?

  dealing with a breakup and you're like, I'm fucking ready, that is the perfect place to start, I'm telling you. So, we also have something like, called healthy bonding. I want you to do maybe volunteer work, maybe go to some team activities, group fitness that satisfies those bonding needs. Like, when I lived in Brooklyn, I remember like, it was so rewarding. I went and packed meals for Holocaust survivors and like, was around all these people and we were putting all the meals together. I was donating my time and doing work for like, kids in Uganda, for helping with schools, like, anything, right? What was in my community? I just wanted to be going to, I was doing stuff, I would volunteer in Brooklyn to help dogs. Like, I would help and do the rescue on the weekends. Whatever you could do, do something that, you know, even like, as I said, group fitness, do something that makes you feel like you're part of a group and not completely away. Because it can take about four to six weeks for your oxytocin systems to stop the

• 16:47Sabrina Zohar?

  crisis signaling. And that's what I mean by like, we have got to see about, it's going to take you time for these systems to acclimate, so please don't think that you're behind. Now, let's look, why they moved on faster. I know a lot of you guys are asking this and like, the why doesn't really fucking matter, but we're gonna go into it, because here's the why. Here's what I'll show you. I'm gonna tell you the why, and then you tell me after, what questions are still left. Because they're going to be, because you're human. Because it's not about that. So we wanna look at the different attachment styles, I think. So when we have an avoidant attachment, like, it's probably the likely style of the person that moved on quickly. So the advantage for them is that the default mode network doesn't get stuck in loops. The habanera doesn't become hyperactive and then oxytocin doesn't spike. So that's what the avoidant is going through. Now, the hidden cost of that is like, they're not processing the loss, they're just postponing it.

• 17:30Sabrina Zohar?

  And that might hit six to 12 months later, which is why we're like, oh, they always come back. It's like, no, it just takes them time to process. But that doesn't mean that that's necessarily somebody I would want back. Because if it takes you six to 12 months to process the ending of the relationship and then you decide to come back, well, first of all, what the fuck you been doing for six to 12 months? Second of all, why would I want to date somebody if that's how they process things? So I'm caught like, what, again, are you my caregiver? Are you my parents that you're just gonna take all this space and come back when it works for you? No, baby. So then we look at anxious attachment. And so the kind of the disadvantage is that all three systems go haywire simultaneously. And so here again, the advantage, if you will, is that you're actually processing the loss in real time, if you're actually processing the loss. And that's the biggest thing. Like, if you're actually allowing yourself and your body to say, yes, I miss them.

• 18:13Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, it's all right, not shaming and blaming, then when you come out the other side, you're gonna genuinely have healed through the breakup. As opposed to, they just moved on so quickly and I am sitting here stuck. And it's like, well, maybe one, maybe they didn't move on, maybe they just avoided and they went to the next one. Maybe they didn't learn anything. But two, what are you doing to actually move on? Instead of holding on to, they didn't move on. And it's like, well, what's the story I'm telling myself about why? And someone had asked, does this mean I'm broken and that they're normal? No. What this means is that you're doing the hard work of a neural reorganization and they're kicking the can down the motherfucking road. They're not actually processing, they're avoiding. And their quick rebound can often be a default mode network avoidance strategy because new relationships prevent their brain from reorganizing.

• 18:55Sabrina Zohar?

  And that's what I mean by like, when we say the avoidant just moved on and I meant nothing. And it's like, maybe they did move on. And maybe that's because they might have been thinking even prior to breaking up that they wanted to break up. But that doesn't mean, but I'm talking like, if they just making a decision and then all of a sudden, a week later, they have a new girlfriend, it's like boyfriend or they, that just means they're not processing, they're just going right into the next one. Meanwhile, if you're taking your time, your three major brain systems are simultaneously rewiring and that takes fucking time and energy. And that's really, really important to start to look at. Because again, are you comparing yourself to them or are you on your own goddamn journey? I don't really care what they're doing. Right? My ex, he moved on quicker. Good luck, Godspeed. He's had like 18 girlfriends since. Yeah, cuz he just gotta go next, next, next. And it's like, and meanwhile, I've been happy with my partner for two and a half years.

• 19:39Speaker 00

  Born from the intensity of a night in the eternal city. Introducing Born in Roma Fragrances by Valentino. Feminine perfume Donna Born in Roma features juicy black currant, central jasmine, soft cashmerin, and warm vanilla. Masculine leaning but unisex Womo has notes of fresh violet leaf, aromatic sage, green vetiver, and mineral salt. Shop holiday gifts at Macy's.com.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Football has a play for just about everything. You can go deep, keep it on the ground, or draw up something nobody sees coming. And whether you want to run a flea flicker or the tush push, you need a plan to fit your unique situation. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you, so they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Now that's a solid game plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

• 20:33Sabrina Zohar?

  So I want to talk about a controversial sleep discovery that they made. So, there is the Imperial College of London discovers that the brain cleaning is 30% less active during sleep. And so what this means is that your heartbroken insomnia might actually help clear emotional toxins. And so this contradicts like 15 years of fucking research, which I think is really interesting. And so, when you're heartbroken and you're not able to sleep, that's okay, right? Maybe, that's what I mean, like, maybe we can reframe this, that like, ooh, it's not that I can't sleep, I am getting rid of the toxins. Because I haven't slept properly in weeks as my brain damaged, and it's like, nooo, maybe we can use an act of recovery, maybe gentle movement, walking, light exercise, might be better than trying to sleep it off. Because oftentimes when we try to sleep it off, we're trying to just avoid dealing with

• 21:18Sabrina Zohar?

  the feelings. And, you know, short naps, take them. But don't force eight hours of sleep if your brain is super active and processing. And we need to find a balance, because I think some sleep is obviously needed for memory consolidation, but wakefulness may help emotional clearing. And so my point being is like, if you're up and you can't fucking sleep, grab your journal. Grab your journal and just start writing, what am I really hung up on? And I get that, again, you're a human. I had so many sleepless nights, and what I did was I was like, ooh, it's time for me to start to look at- How can I use this to my advantage? What are my choices and how can I actually use this to help me? I'm not just gonna sit up and racing and hyper fixating. It's like, no, what can I do with the fact that I'm up? If it's 3 a.m., maybe it's my blood sugar and maybe I just need to have a quick snack and go back to bed. Maybe it's that I'm hyper fixated. I've done that.

• 22:02Sabrina Zohar?

  When if I can't sleep, I'll pull out my journal and I'm like, alright, let's get down to it. Because then after, when I couldn't go back to sleep, then I'm like, alright, let me start to process through this a little bit more. And so it's okay. So I want to give you guys a couple of things. So maybe for the first one to four weeks, we use something called system stabilization. So I want you to stop the three systems from spiraling further. So the default mode network, complete social media detox. Complete. And like, from them. Obviously, you don't have to stop your social media, but like, block them, mute them, whatever you need to do. And start some new, like, novel activities. So maybe that's new routines, maybe that's new food, maybe that's new places, maybe that's going out and meeting new types of people. Do something different. The habanera! Micro goals only and celebrate those tiny wins. We don't have to pressure you to fucking be happy and be like, everything's great and stars, no!

• 22:45Sabrina Zohar?

  You're allowed to say, I'm struggling and that's okay. For today, I put my shoes on and that's more than a fuck enough. And for oxytocin, I want zero contact with your ex. And we need to redirect the bonding towards friends, towards families, towards activities, towards things that feel like they're just something that fill you up. And one of you guys had asked, this sounds overwhelming, but when I, this sounds overwhelming when I can barely get out of bed. Then pick one system to focus on. Maybe we start with the habanera and maybe that's that micro goals because it builds energy for the other two. And I think that's what I mean by like, we're looking at this as like, again, if you're New Year's Eve and you're saying, I'm gonna lose 100 pounds in the next month, well then you're overloading your system and your system's like, I can't handle all of this, this is too much. So we start with something small, that's why we say micro yeses. Put your shoes by the door for a day, then the next day, maybe you put your socks by

• 23:29Sabrina Zohar?

  the door, then the next day, maybe you just put your socks on, then the next day. You do it that it's so small that your brain's like, oh, okay, duh, I could do this.

• 23:38Speaker 00

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• 24:06Sabrina Zohar?

  Then we go into week five through eight, which is my kind of that system recalibration. And we're trying to train the systems to work in healthier patterns. So for the default mode network, maybe that structured reflection. Again, that's why I'm journaling what I learned, not what went wrong or what I'm doing wrong. Can you future plan? And you start to do things of like, what do I want my life to look like? Where am I going without this person? And I'm excited about that. For the habanera, we need to gradually increase goal difficulty. So that's what I'm saying. So maybe it was get out of bed and maybe now it's get out of bed and go brush my teeth. Then it's get out of bed, go brush my teeth, put my workout clothes on. Then it, right? So we can celebrate the progress and we can notice those small pleasures returning of like, oh yeah, I do really like going for a walk. I do really love going to get matcha in the morning. And then for oxytocin, we need that healthy bonding activities,

• 24:50Sabrina Zohar?

  social connections, maybe helping other people. Like what can you do that's outside of you so that you can connect? Now, if we're going to go into the nine to 12 weeks, that integration, now all three systems are working together in new patterns. So for the default mode network, we're creating new life stories that don't center on the ex and we're imagining exciting futures. So for me, it might be like when I was with my ex, I was like, wow, I don't need my ex in order to achieve this. I'm going to build my business and I'm going to be able to travel and I'm going to meet new friends and family and I'm going to do things and I can't wait to meet a partner that does actually satisfy my needs. We want to get excited about what's to come so that we can create new stories that exist without this person. And that's where I think a lot of us get stuck of like, I can't be without them and what am I going to do without them? And it's like you're putting this person on the pedestal that your life is only okay with them in it. It's not.

• 25:33Sabrina Zohar?

  Then if we go into the habanera, normal reward response is returning and you're able to feel genuine happiness of like, man, I'm so happy I worked out. Man, I'm so happy I went to go see my friends. And same with oxytocin, you're ready for healthy bonding. Maybe friendships first, but eventually you'll go into the relationships. And you guys add, what if I'm not better in three weeks? Well, these are just averages, right? We have to look at complex trauma. Are you dealing with some underlying mental health issues that extend the timeline? But this three system framework still applies. It might just take you longer. And we have to remember too, I don't know what the story and the narrative is that you're holding on to as to why you can't move on. Are you saying I can't move on because they're better than me? And because they chose somebody else and there's something wrong with me and I always fuck up every relationship and I'm never going to meet in somebody? It's like, okay, again, what are you holding on to? You're not broken, baby.

• 26:19Sabrina Zohar?

  You're not. You have three specific brain systems that might be, that might need some help. Right? We have the default mode network that's locked into old prediction patterns. The Habanella is stuck in the disappointment mode, and then your oxytocin is desperately trying to repair a severed bond. But their quick recovery doesn't mean they're stronger. It means they're avoiding the neural work that you are doing. So stop looking at other people that are just, they moved on quicker. And it's like, good, let them be. That'd be their journey, baby. I remember my momma used to say that about my dad. She'd be like, oh, man, I wish I could be like him that could just move on immediately. And I was like, ooh, I don't. I said, because he doesn't move on immediately. He has to live with the fact that he can't fucking feel feelings, that he can't tap into that shit. I get to move on, knowing that I can love really deeply. I can really feel the full spectrum of emotions, including the ones that we don't love. Because recovery isn't about getting over it.

• 27:04Sabrina Zohar?

  It's not. It's about systematically rewiring three brain systems to work in your healthier patterns and favor. And someone asked, will I ever love again? Oh, baby, you'll love better, because you'll understand the neuroscience of attachment and how to keep these three systems healthy. You're not only learning to love again, baby. You're learning to love wisely. You're learning to choose yourself. You're coming home to yourself so you can make decisions from a place of empowerment. And it's okay. If you're not over them, and if you haven't moved on, that's okay. But let's start to get curious about where do I feel this in my body? How old do I feel? What is the narrative and story that I'm holding on to? What have I created about this person? Let's start to get curious about what's underneath the hood, so that you actually have choices and you come up from a place of empowerment. You're allowed to be sad. You're allowed to miss this person.

• 27:47Sabrina Zohar?

  And for me, what really changed the game was when I stopped fighting that. When I started to allow my, okay, I'm allowed to be sad. Okay, right? I miss this person. And what I was able to do was I wasn't fighting it. I wasn't resisting what was coming up for me. I was saying, I'm valid, I'm human. This is all really real, especially given everything I've been through. It makes total sense I'd be sad. Right? It's taken me a year, to talk about breakup. It's taken me a year to be able to be okay about the name change of the show. So have you noticed, I haven't really brought it up in the last few episodes, because I am trying to say, baby, we get to move on now. You're right, you're sad, we lost a lot. There was a fuck ton of changes and adjustments, but look, look, baby. You did it. I'm still here. I'm still alive. I'm thriving, I'm doing. Things might have changed, but that doesn't mean for the bad. That just means that I'm getting ready for what's to fucking come, because I'm planning my future. I'm not stuck on what I lost.

• 28:32Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm focusing on what I gain. And that's my invitation to you. Allow yourself to be sad, allow yourself to cry, but don't allow yourself to lament and to sit and to stew because baby, you're just self abandoning. As always, guys, if you need more, I'm here. If you want to work with me, if you want to join one of the courses, again, they are going to be gone at the end of this month. That's it. So if you're listening in the future and you're like, oh dang it, I missed it. That's okay. We'll have new courses by the time this is out because we are going to keep evolving and growing and helping you. And maybe even a membership, we'll see. A membership that includes some group coaching with me every month. We will see babies. I'm planning a lot, but that's what I mean by I could sit here and focus on what I lost, but instead I'm focusing on where I want to go and I'm ready and planning. Guys, as always, please don't forget rate, review the show, leave a comment, even if it's just a heart. If you want to engage with other people on Spotify, if you guys are listening or YouTube, like we're here. I really want to build a community.

• 29:17Sabrina Zohar?

  I want you guys to feel safe and that you're not alone. And I'm here to facilitate that the best I can. And if it's not me, that's okay. I understand if I'm not your girl, but please use kindness when we're speaking. And please know that I'm here for you no matter what, even if this doesn't align. I don't think anybody's a good or a bad person. I just am proud of you for making choices for you. So until next time, my babies, I'll see you next week.

• 29:42Speaker 01

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• 30:10Speaker 03

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