Ep 600 - Hedonic Treadmill (feat. Joe List & Steve Rannazzisi)

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Joe @ https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays Go See Joe Live @ https://www.comedianjoelist.com/ Go See Steve Live @ https://www.steverannazzisi.com/ Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want @ https://www.shawngardini.com/live Yo0o0o. We got Steve and Joe at the Podes this week. Hot cast for you guys not gonne lie. Ep 600 but just another day in the office. Hope you're all having a good week. Please enjoy. God Bless. Valid on restaurant orders only. Learn more at bit.ly/GHEatTheFees Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Now with the Spurs, Austin's team, I saw a billboard, oh, sorry, I didn't mean to start.

• 0:05Matt McCusker?

  No, it's fine.

• 0:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, Austin's, I think, trying to take the Spurs from San Antonio, which is, that'd be pretty sad.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  What, is they lease up on a stadium or something?

• 0:16Matt McCusker?

  No, I think it's just, I don't know, I think, I think they're gonna try to merge Austin and San Antonio like Dallas-Fort Worth.

• 0:23Speaker 00

  How far away? I'm not too familiar.

• 0:25Matt McCusker?

  Hour, hour and 10 minutes away, it's not far.

• 0:28Speaker 00

  I mean, they didn't, yeah, Anaheim and LA have split.

• 0:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 0:31Speaker 00

  They're not, they're different, it's gotta.

• 0:33Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, same with Seattle and Tacoma.

• 0:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 0:35Matt McCusker?

  So.

• 0:36Speaker 00

  San Antonio, they have cities.

• 0:39Speaker 02

  We were just ripping before this.

• 0:41Speaker 00

  Minneapolis-St. Paul.

• 0:42Speaker 02

  He gives the thumbs up and we're like, yeah, there's a lot of cities that are close to each other.

• 0:45Speaker 00

  Oh, now we're recording for real? I do not know.

• 0:48Matt McCusker?

  We were fired up.

• 0:49Speaker 00

  Start again, dude.

• 0:50Speaker 02

  Even Baltimore and DC are pretty close.

• 0:52Speaker 00

  Minneapolis-St. Paul.

• 0:54Matt McCusker?

  Baltimore-Tomonia.

• 0:55Speaker 00

  Yeah. Baltimore-Tomonia.

• 0:57Matt McCusker?

  Now, before we started, you mentioned the guy with Tourette's at the BAFTA. Why would you go to the BAFTAs with Tourette's?

• 1:03Speaker 00

  He was nominated.

• 1:04Matt McCusker?

  He was nominated?

• 1:05Speaker 00

  I think he was a nominee or a former nominee or something like that.

• 1:08Speaker 02

  So, it wasn't the guy presenting, it was the guy in the crowd?

• 1:10Speaker 00

  In the crowd.

• 1:11Speaker 02

  Just yelling.

• 1:12Speaker 00

  No, if the guy, yes, the two people presenting were.

• 1:15Matt McCusker?

  I mean, if I had Tourette's, I would double up on my meds at the BAFTAs.

• 1:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, you have to hit it hard.

• 1:20Matt McCusker?

  That's what they do, they just spaz and yell the worst thing.

• 1:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:23Speaker 02

  But is it always the N-word with the Tourette's?

• 1:26Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 1:26Speaker 00

  I feel like it's whatever you're hearing, or like whatever is commonly spoken around you.

• 1:31Speaker 02

  Like a parrot?

• 1:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. There's a guy behind him like, N-word.

• 1:35Matt McCusker?

  It's usually like, fucking shit bitch, and then like, you know.

• 1:39Speaker 00

  Yeah. That was great, dude, that was great.

• 1:43Speaker 02

  I experienced it once at like a hotel lobby breakfast, or not lobby, I don't know why I said lobby, but a hotel breakfast there, and there was a lady, and they warned us, like, oh, that she has, and that she was doing that, but it wasn't the N-word.

• 1:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:53Speaker 00

  No, I've never had anyone on a show that has Tourette's, I don't think, that's ever yelled anything out or nothing like that.

• 2:00Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 2:00Speaker 00

  So, I don't, yeah.

• 2:01Matt McCusker?

  That's probably late-stage Tourette's, it'd probably start with like damn, and then it goes to like shit.

• 2:06Speaker 00

  And then all the way to.

• 2:07Matt McCusker?

  Pussy, and then like stage, when you're like stage four.

• 2:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:11Speaker 02

  He's on his way out.

• 2:13Matt McCusker?

  It's aggressive Tourette's.

• 2:16Speaker 02

  I do have that, I think this is like an OCD thing, like when I'm at a funeral or something, where you just wanna be like, "Jizz on her face!", you know?

• 2:23Speaker 00

  You wanna yell something, yeah.

• 2:25Speaker 02

  I think it's different, yeah, yeah.

• 2:26Speaker 00

  But that's the barrier, dude, imagine.

• 2:28Speaker 02

  Or if I'm in a room full of black people, which I try to keep to a minimum, but like, it does come into your mind, like, what if somehow I just yelled out the end word, like, it's in there?

• 2:36Speaker 00

  I've heard of people having that same concern, where it's like, if you stand too close to the edge of a cliff, you're like, "I could just jump off right now."

• 2:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think that's OCD. I also have it with people, I have like, not a urge, but the thought of like blasting someone in the face as they're walking by.

• 2:52Speaker 00

  Oh, really? Just physical violence towards strangers?

• 2:55Speaker 02

  But it's a second, it's a second of thought.

• 2:58Speaker 00

  That could be living in New York too long. I think that's just a byproduct of that. I do the same thing with my, like, I'm driving in the left lane, driving, families in the back, and I just, like, did you ever have a moment where you're just like, I could just rip it into the thing and flip everyone and do the whole thing, kill everybody?

• 3:13Matt McCusker?

  But how, does it feel like an urge is the question?

• 3:15Speaker 00

  Uh, not, yeah, but you're like, ooh.

• 3:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, it is.

• 3:19Speaker 00

  Depending on how the vacation went, or whatever, you know?

• 3:23Speaker 00

  Just like, I'm done with this, dude. Don't press me, do you understand? I have everything right here. It's all right there.

• 3:29Matt McCusker?

  If you're fighting your wife or the kids in the car, just driving real fast, I'm like, "Fuck it."

• 3:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:34Speaker 02

  Scare the fuck out of you. And you can reach her seatbelt, just unclick it and then just like jerk the wheel?

• 3:40Matt McCusker?

  Dang, well dude, thank you guys for coming.

• 3:42Speaker 00

  Dude, thanks for having me.

• 3:43Speaker 02

  No seeds.

• 3:44Speaker 00

  This is egregious, I mean, this is just.

• 3:46Matt McCusker?

  Standing up is good, I'm telling you.

• 3:47Speaker 02

  I'm just starting to spread out.

• 3:48Matt McCusker?

  I'm telling you, it's just, it's all in your head. I think people think they're getting spoofed, but it's just, it's not a spoof, it's just.

• 3:52Speaker 02

  It really.

• 3:53Matt McCusker?

  It's the future of podcasting.

• 3:55Speaker 02

  No.

• 3:57Matt McCusker?

  What are we talking about? How are we not in the future right now?

• 3:59Speaker 00

  It does look Tron-like. It looks like we're doing, yeah.

• 4:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, we're gonna take turns like running as fast as we can.

• 4:07Matt McCusker?

  Did you guys, uh, is Prince Andrew, he's out of jail, right?

• 4:10Speaker 00

  He got out. Um, they picked him up for like five hours.

• 4:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I was excited.

• 4:15Speaker 00

  Well, I don't even think they picked him up for what they, what everyone thought they should pick him up for.

• 4:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 4:20Speaker 00

  They got him for like

• 4:21Matt McCusker?

  Political misconduct.

• 4:22Speaker 00

  Secrets or something like that.

• 4:23Matt McCusker?

  I thought he was going to jail. That would have been crazy.

• 4:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean.

• 4:27Matt McCusker?

  Dude, he'd been the first, he'd been the first prince arrested in like 400 years. And if he went to actual jail, that means people would be able to

• 4:35Speaker 00

  Fuck him.

• 4:36Matt McCusker?

  Fuck a prince. That's crazy, dude.

• 4:39Speaker 00

  Do you think he would be in with Gen, uh, did they have like Gen Pop over there?

• 4:42Matt McCusker?

  I think they would get to him. I think they would get into him. He'd probably be in protective custody, but they would get into him.

• 4:46Speaker 00

  Oh, well, yeah, they'd let them probably. They, it would be like a fun day for the

• 4:50Matt McCusker?

  That's a fairy tale.

• 4:50Speaker 00

  We're good. Guys, if you guys are good, we're gonna let the prince around tomorrow so you guys can fuck him.

• 4:54Speaker 02

  The Prince and the Prisoner by, I couldn't think of a name of a fake author.

• 4:58Matt McCusker?

  That's perfect.

• 4:59Speaker 02

  Thank you. If I could have said F G Tenenbaum, it would have been cooler.

• 5:05Matt McCusker?

  I just, I feel like princes, you get like their hands chopped off instead of going to jail.

• 5:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:09Matt McCusker?

  It's something unfitting about a prince in like common jail.

• 5:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:13Speaker 02

  Cut their dicks off.

• 5:14Matt McCusker?

  Dicks would be nice.

• 5:14Speaker 00

  Dicks off, eunuch, make him a eunuch.

• 5:16Speaker 02

  So I didn't follow too close. He fucked tits, right?

• 5:20Speaker 00

  Oh, he's like one of the

• 5:22Matt McCusker?

  Top suspect. I think he's like top suspect.

• 5:24Speaker 00

  He, there's pictures, emails. There's like not a thing that they found that didn't have his fingerprints all over it.

• 5:30Matt McCusker?

  And the royal family stripped him of his titles, which leads me to believe that they can probably see the unredacted stuff.

• 5:36Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 5:36Matt McCusker?

  So, yeah, they did it before that. They stripped him of all of his like princely duke status or whatever.

• 5:42Speaker 00

  Is there still a way he could become king? Like lineage, like, you know what I'm saying? Like if his brother dies, like

• 5:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  Then is he the king or the, or the, is the younger, is the oldest son the king?

• 5:55Matt McCusker?

  I don't know. That's a great question.

• 5:56Speaker 00

  Because like now you gotta start looking for, he's gonna kill his brother. Cause you'd be like, I'm gonna go to jail for pedophilia. Or I kill my brother and I'm the king and this whole fucking thing goes away?

• 6:06Matt McCusker?

  That's not a bad idea, actually. That's his only play right now.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  That's his movie.

• 6:09Matt McCusker?

  That's

• 6:10Speaker 00

  That's a movie for him.

• 6:11Matt McCusker?

  That's his move though. He has to kill his brother.

• 6:12Speaker 00

  Unless he knows it goes, otherwise he's gotta kill his brother and then his, his nephew and then, you know.

• 6:18Matt McCusker?

  And then fire cannon at the citizens. That'd be the last thing when they stormed the castle. He'd have to fire upon them to calm them down.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  Why not?

• 6:24Speaker 02

  Draw little dicks on him. Do you fuck boys or girls?

• 6:27Speaker 00

  Girls, I think.

• 6:28Speaker 02

  Oh, okay.

• 6:29Speaker 00

  I think.

• 6:29Speaker 02

  That's not so bad.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  At least he's not fucking queer.

• 6:33Speaker 02

  Queer king.

• 6:35Speaker 00

  Geez.

• 6:35Speaker 02

  We don't need no queer king.

• 6:37Speaker 00

  That's the big whoop.

• 6:38Speaker 02

  I guess, yeah.

• 6:39Matt McCusker?

  I don't, I think those guys too, like when you're that wealthy, like prostitutes are just porn for you.

• 6:45Speaker 00

  Right.

• 6:45Matt McCusker?

  So it's like, you don't watch like Pornhub probably, you probably just get hookers and then you get sick of those kind of hookers. They, they do like porn genres in real life.

• 6:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, although I think OnlyFans probably would have been his favorite thing if he had not, because you can get very specific on that.

• 6:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 6:59Speaker 00

  And so therefore he'd be like, all right, I can kind of scratch this itch really well with what I'm finding here. Maybe I don't need to go out into the real world and fucking do horrible things to, you know, real people.

• 7:09Speaker 02

  But I think it's the hedonic treadmill, if I may.

• 7:12Speaker 00

  It's just you.

• 7:13Speaker 02

  Whoa, what's it at?

• 7:14Speaker 00

  I don't even know what that means, honestly.

• 7:15Matt McCusker?

  The hoodie is working, bro.

• 7:17Speaker 00

  Joe, enlighten us.

• 7:19Speaker 02

  Well, you know, you get used to stuff.

• 7:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:21Speaker 02

  So like, like you buy a big house and you're like, I finally got this big, you have a huge house, a beautiful house. Probably every once in a while you're like, but I could use a fucking screening room.

• 7:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, I need a golf simulator room.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  You gotta keep getting all the stuff. And so that's the same with sex, I think.

• 7:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you get a butler and you go, butler's nice, but I wish I kinda could have this guy forever.

• 7:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, wish I had a boy.

• 7:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I want a whole fucking.

• 7:42Matt McCusker?

  Butlers are nice, nice, but what about a, you know, a guy I could have?

• 7:45Speaker 02

  There's no satisfying, I mean, even in my marriage, every time we have sex, now I'm like, pretend I'm my uncle Doug.

• 7:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cranking it up a little bit, yeah, taking it up a little.

• 7:55Matt McCusker?

  That's probably due to like EEG habituation, actually.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  What is that?

• 7:59Matt McCusker?

  Well.

• 7:59Speaker 00

  I'm learning, so dude, this is great for me. I'm like learning about treadmills and EEGs.

• 8:04Matt McCusker?

  Or your brainwaves just like, they get, they get used to like, if you see like, say the first time you see a naked lady, you're like, like it's like that your brainwaves go crazy. Yeah, over time they just kind of come down to like, whatever.

• 8:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:16Matt McCusker?

  So you gotta constantly.

• 8:17Speaker 00

  I'm not me, I still see a naked lady, I'm like fired up, dude.

• 8:20Matt McCusker?

  It's right there.

• 8:21Speaker 02

  Oh, hey now.

• 8:22Speaker 00

  I, look at that.

• 8:25Speaker 00

  I love it. I love it, dude.

• 8:26Matt McCusker?

  True, but like ass fired up as like a 14 year old boy.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  No, I got two sons that are like, if they saw a naked lady, it's like.

• 8:32Matt McCusker?

  It's over.

• 8:33Speaker 00

  I gotta go to my room. I gotta take a shower.

• 8:36Speaker 02

  Well, it's crazy when you're like 14, you can just get a hard on sitting, thinking.

• 8:40Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 8:41Speaker 02

  You don't even look at anything. I could just be like.

• 8:43Speaker 00

  But it's crazy to me, this generation, my, my son's 17 and 13, they wear, they never wear jeans anymore. They always wear sweatpants. So I mean, like boners and sweatpants are the most embarrassing things for me growing up. Like, you'd have to tuck it under the, the band. Like jeans, you wear a little more thickness, you can hide it, but like now it's like.

• 9:02Matt McCusker?

  No, yeah, I went to Catholic school. We had like one day out of the week, we had to wear our gym uniforms.

• 9:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:07Matt McCusker?

  Me too, yeah. It was just, you would get hard in class and it was just.

• 9:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're like, fuck dude, this is just, these sweatpants are not, not doing it.

• 9:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, and I would get hard, like clockwork before recess. Recession was like 10:23. At like 10:18, I would get a rager. Every time.

• 9:21Speaker 02

  We started recording it right around 10:23. I don't.

• 9:26Matt McCusker?

  I turned 40, so I like, my boner, I gotta like really budget my boners now.

• 9:30Speaker 00

  Oh, really?

• 9:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I can't be wasting them on like jerking off anymore. I gotta save them up.

• 9:34Speaker 02

  I feel similarly.

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Similar, yeah. I'm still a little bit of an animal. I don't know why.

• 9:38Matt McCusker?

  Dude, it just came for me, man. I was, I was.

• 9:40Speaker 00

  Maybe it'll happen.

• 9:41Matt McCusker?

  So confident. I could get bricked up, no problem. Now like I don't get bricked up, but I can't be out here fapping. You know, I gotta save it all up every weekend.

• 9:49Speaker 02

  I save up, because my wife and I, we have sex pretty frequently. So when I go on the road now, I don't jerk off. Yeah. Really, I've done that a couple of weekends too. It feels good when you come home.

• 9:57Matt McCusker?

  Dude.

• 9:58Speaker 02

  You're like, wow.

• 9:59Matt McCusker?

  It feels amazing. And there's something about leaving a hotel room and not having this like disgusting crystallized towel for the staff to deal with.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  I know.

• 10:05Matt McCusker?

  When you leave a room clean, you're like, dude, I'm, you know.

• 10:08Speaker 00

  Unfortunately, this is not one of those weekends for me. This is a.

• 10:12Speaker 02

  You're not even in a hotel.

• 10:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm in a condo, dude. I'm in a condo that someone else, Andrew Dice Clay is gonna stay in next weekend, you know? Dude, who knows? But yeah, I, I, I try. You feel good when you come home and you don't.

• 10:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 10:24Speaker 00

  When you like, you feel like. Like a real, like I provided, I went out, I made money, I kept clean. I kept all, everything inside of me and I'm getting to give it all to you right now.

• 10:35Matt McCusker?

  That's what it's all about.

• 10:35Speaker 02

  And supposedly semen retention is healthy. That's what I've heard. It's one of these alternative.

• 10:40Matt McCusker?

  I see. Yeah, I always hear it is.

• 10:42Speaker 00

  But then you always hear you have to come like 30 times a month for prostate.

• 10:45Matt McCusker?

  I know. That's the fucking, that's the problem.

• 10:47Speaker 00

  Jesus. Yeah.

• 10:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. They say you gotta do it like a, say, they say like, if you don't do it enough, well, if you don't, if you don't retain, they say you just like drain all of your, like, you know, minerals out of your body. Cause apparently semen is like very nutrient dense.

• 11:00Speaker 00

  And you have to keep that in.

• 11:01Matt McCusker?

  That's what they say, but then they're like.

• 11:02Speaker 02

  Or drink it.

• 11:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 11:05Matt McCusker?

  Or yeah, just recycle it. But they, uh, they said that if you, then if you don't come enough, you get prostate cancer, they're saying. So I don't know, man.

• 11:12Speaker 00

  I, I haven't.

• 11:13Matt McCusker?

  I don't know what to do.

• 11:14Speaker 00

  Yeah. I haven't got any of that stuff checked yet. I'm, and I should. I'm going to, supposed to get a colonoscopy on Thursday.

• 11:19Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 11:19Speaker 00

  Yes. My first one, but I'm.

• 11:22Matt McCusker?

  How old are you?

• 11:23Speaker 00

  Forty nine. I'll be forty nine in July.

• 11:24Matt McCusker?

  Whoa. I thought you were supposed to get them earlier.

• 11:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know.

• 11:27Matt McCusker?

  You've been holding it off?

• 11:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. And now everybody's dying. Eric Dane died and the other guy, James Vanderbeek died. So I'm like, this has got to get done.

• 11:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. And that's an easy one to treat, apparently.

• 11:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, you gotta go early. Pour a little out for old JVB.

• 11:44Matt McCusker?

  This episode is brought to you by Grubhub. Let's just riff for a second about the joy of ordering takeout and the heartbreak of realizing at checkout, how expensive delivery and service fees have gotten. And honestly, I, you know, this is a personal issue for me. I'm pretty passionate about this. The average fee on an order over $50 across delivery apps is about $13. You order $50 worth of grub. It's you and your boys. You go, I'll spring, I'll spring a grant on the food. I'll spring 50 bucks. No big deal. You order, you go, huh? $63? What the? Well, guys, guess what? Grubhub is changing the game by eating the delivery and service fees on restaurant orders over $50. And no, this isn't a short-term promotion.

• 12:26Matt McCusker?

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• 12:57Speaker 02

  No, I should go. My grandmother had it and I eat nothing but like french fries and burgers and shit.

• 13:02Speaker 00

  I used to get colonic's. That's used to stay stick a tube up your ass. It's like the same thing as a, and they shoot water up there and it cleans out. You see the other stuff come out like french fries and shit like that.

• 13:13Speaker 02

  How does that work though? Is that like the same way when you clean a fish tank that you create like a vacuum?

• 13:16Speaker 00

  Yep, exactly. So what they do is like you literally, it's like two tubes going in and then one pushes the water and the, and it just like, it's like, uh, and the other one shoots it out.

• 13:26Speaker 02

  I don't know that this is healthy.

• 13:27Speaker 00

  It was happening all the time in the like the early two thousands. Everybody was getting colonic's to lose weight.

• 13:32Speaker 02

  Right. Yeah. Apparently there's a bunch of just like shit inside.

• 13:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, there was like full, I used to like full, like half eaten french fries, which would come down the, I swear to God, like, stuff that you could see what it was, the food that you ate. It was disgusting.

• 13:48Speaker 02

  Don't they turn into like probiotics though?

• 13:50Speaker 00

  Yes, and then you gotta eat probiotics. You take pills because there's good pro, you know, bacteria and bad, but like.

• 13:55Speaker 02

  Do you feel, is it like, I, I know people did. I always assumed it was kink.

• 13:59Speaker 00

  No. No, no, I don't think so. Like people were telling me I was gonna die if I didn't get it.

• 14:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know.

• 14:06Speaker 00

  You eat terribly. You should definitely get the, like, I was, I was like hanging out with a lot of actors then. So they were like, oh, you're getting colonic's.

• 14:12Speaker 02

  Right.

• 14:13Speaker 00

  No comedian friends of mine got colonic's.

• 14:14Speaker 02

  But now it's like, uh, fasting is like the new colonic.

• 14:19Speaker 00

  Oh, like, uh, yeah.

• 14:20Speaker 02

  Forty eight hours.

• 14:21Speaker 00

  Forty eight hours.

• 14:22Speaker 02

  Crap, yeah.

• 14:23Speaker 00

  Have you ever done anything like that?

• 14:24Speaker 02

  I've done twenty four hours for fun, like as a gag, like twenty, like ten years ago. But now Luis Gomez is a guy that's like, sorry. He's like.

• 14:33Speaker 00

  Easy.

• 14:34Speaker 02

  He's like eating every other day and stuff, which to me is like an eating disorder.

• 14:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:39Speaker 02

  Like I eat three times a week. I'm like, yeah, you have an eating disorder.

• 14:42Speaker 00

  Yes. I mean, you know.

• 14:44Matt McCusker?

  You feel good though. I did a four day fast one time.

• 14:46Speaker 00

  God, four days.

• 14:47Matt McCusker?

  Four day, yeah.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  For what purposes?

• 14:49Matt McCusker?

  Just it was like me and my brothers and cousins at a group tech. So we just all see you go the furthest. So my brother didn't drink water for, I think 72 hours. And he said his vision just got blurry. He's like, I thought I was gonna die. I thought I was gonna die.

• 15:02Speaker 00

  Wait, you're, but you're supposed to drink water, right? During a fast.

• 15:05Matt McCusker?

  There's a whole other thing called dry fasting where they're saying if you like, if you don't put any water in your system for, you can do it for like two days and your body just like, I don't know, flushes shit out. I don't know how it works.

• 15:16Speaker 00

  Really? I thought you just become like dehydrated and.

• 15:20Matt McCusker?

  I did one day. It was no problem. I did four days. I would say two is the sweet spot. Four, by the fourth day, you just feel like decrepit. But I was like working out and stuff, fasted and like, you really don't need as much food as I think people say.

• 15:33Speaker 00

  I could drink lemonade for three days in a row, just lemonade.

• 15:36Matt McCusker?

  That, that would count.

• 15:36Speaker 00

  I've done that. I think I've done that before with no water in between, just straight lemonade for.

• 15:40Matt McCusker?

  That would count.

• 15:41Speaker 02

  Did you see the Seinfeld Epstein email?

• 15:44Speaker 00

  No way.

• 15:45Speaker 02

  It was like, uh, I believe, I don't know. I mean, if you can look it up, but it was like Jerry, Jerry and Jessica coming over. They want lemonade. And I believe lemonade was in quotes. I could be wrong about that, but it definitely said they need lemonade.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  Really?

• 15:57Speaker 02

  Yeah. I didn't know he was in it too. Yeah. Well, he must get pissed on, I think. Lemonade.

• 16:03Speaker 00

  Oh my God.

• 16:04Speaker 02

  I don't know. That's one thing it is. I don't know. I don't, I'm not even one of these guys.

• 16:07Matt McCusker?

  Jerry. No, that's.

• 16:08Speaker 02

  But I mean.

• 16:10Speaker 00

  Wouldn't that, that would be amazing if Jerry Seinfeld.

• 16:12Matt McCusker?

  Why would you air quote the secret term though?

• 16:14Speaker 00

  Cause he doesn't, I mean, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

• 16:16Matt McCusker?

  Who wants.

• 16:17Speaker 02

  But I don't think he was sending it. Did you find it?

• 16:19Speaker 03

  Yes, it says Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld are gonna be sailing. Can I organize for them to come to the island for lemonade?

• 16:28Speaker 00

  It is in quotes?

• 16:30Speaker 02

  All right. I made up the quotes.

• 16:31Speaker 00

  Okay. Maybe Jerry just doesn't drink and he's like, all right, he'll have lemonade.

• 16:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's fair.

• 16:36Speaker 00

  That's totally fair.

• 16:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Want some lemonade? Hanging out with pedophile, you know, thirsty.

• 16:43Matt McCusker?

  It's hot out there.

• 16:44Speaker 00

  I know.

• 16:44Matt McCusker?

  When was this?

• 16:45Speaker 00

  This guy must have had the greatest shit, though, like boats and like planes.

• 16:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 16:49Speaker 00

  That's what you have to go with now if you were at that, if that's your only connection, be like.

• 16:52Matt McCusker?

  It kids, too?

• 16:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, yes, you gotta steer away from anything that's cool about kids. You just gotta be like, he had a great plane, he had the best boats.

• 17:01Matt McCusker?

  Well, the question is, is like, when was the email sent? Cause there's the pre conviction and then there's post conviction.

• 17:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are people like the guy on. Oh, that's a sister.

• 17:11Matt McCusker?

  That's years.

• 17:12Speaker 00

  Two thousand nine was the conviction, I think, or eight or nine.

• 17:15Matt McCusker?

  It might have been earlier, yeah.

• 17:16Speaker 00

  Eight?

• 17:16Matt McCusker?

  Two thousand eight, yeah.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, and there's plenty of guys that are going back and forth after that.

• 17:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 17:22Speaker 00

  Plenty.

• 17:23Matt McCusker?

  Cause I think the, the conviction was sealed. They, they did like a sealed thing, so like everyone named in the case, it was like buried. And he just got like, you know, uh, soliciting underage prostitutes.

• 17:34Speaker 00

  Did he do time? Did he go to jail? I thought I saw a mug shot.

• 17:36Matt McCusker?

  I think he just did house arrest. That's why he was stuck in New York City.

• 17:39Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 17:40Matt McCusker?

  And that's when people started like, would still come and have, Bill Gates went and got, you know, fundraised from Jeffrey Epstein. That was the weird one, when it was like, I was just looking for money. So dude, you're a billionaire. Why would you need to talk to a pedophile about money? Like, why, why?

• 17:53Speaker 00

  I know.

• 17:54Matt McCusker?

  But who knows? That's the other thing too, though. The, the, the flip side of this is people just being like, yeah, guy's clearly a pedophile now. He's in the email, pedophile.

• 18:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, it must be.

• 18:03Matt McCusker?

  There's something kind of fucked up about that, honestly.

• 18:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, it's not good. I mean, I'm friends with a lot of people that do a lot of things. I'm not really those things.

• 18:10Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 18:11Speaker 00

  You could be friends.

• 18:12Matt McCusker?

  I'm not gonna name names.

• 18:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, we all have friends that have done horrible things.

• 18:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 18:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:17Matt McCusker?

  But, I don't know, man, would you, would you, if someone was a convicted pedophile, would you still?

• 18:22Speaker 00

  Well, I mean, I know in a very, I don't wanna, I mean.

• 18:25Matt McCusker?

  Oh, boy.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  Just mark the timestamp now, just in case.

• 18:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 18:29Speaker 00

  We're not live, right?

• 18:30Matt McCusker?

  Text later.

• 18:30Speaker 00

  But like, Reap is in trouble. John Reap's in big trouble, dude.

• 18:34Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 18:35Speaker 00

  Oh, yes, dude. He's going, like, he's on house arrest now, I think, but like, he was a good friend and like, we hung out and you never knew, but like, yeah.

• 18:44Matt McCusker?

  But that's fair, that's before.

• 18:45Speaker 00

  And so, but, yes, yes, of course.

• 18:48Matt McCusker?

  The question is now.

• 18:48Speaker 00

  No, I did not Facebook message him after the.

• 18:51Matt McCusker?

  Not gonna visit for lemonade?

• 18:52Speaker 00

  No, no, dude, I wanna go, bro, let me come over for a glass of that cold, cold lemonade. You know, you make it the best.

• 18:58Matt McCusker?

  No, because I've been paranoid about because I don't think I've sent any horny emails to anybody. But now I'm like, bro, if I sent one to a pedophile.

• 19:04Speaker 00

  Well, yeah.

• 19:05Matt McCusker?

  Fucked.

• 19:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:06Matt McCusker?

  I'm done. Kiss it goodbye.

• 19:07Speaker 00

  And you know, they're gonna flip on you, dude.

• 19:12Speaker 00

  Kiss all this decadence goodbye. Yeah. They'll flip on you too, dude. You know, if they get in trouble, they'd be like, yeah, the pedo is gonna be like, well, I talked to McCusker a lot.

• 19:20Matt McCusker?

  Dude, that fucking shit he did where he send himself, he would send himself emails.

• 19:25Speaker 00

  Yes, covering their own tracks.

• 19:26Matt McCusker?

  Really incriminating shit about other people.

• 19:27Speaker 02

  Epstein did?

• 19:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 19:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:29Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 19:29Speaker 00

  Smart about it.

• 19:30Matt McCusker?

  I mean, but it's also like, why? What is it?

• 19:34Speaker 00

  Whoa, dude. No, dude, maybe we should change the topic. I think he's cool, dude. I think it's fine. I think those are just allegations. Not necessarily true.

• 19:45Speaker 02

  All right, that's a wrap. We got.

• 19:46Speaker 00

  We gotta be careful about who we.

• 19:48Matt McCusker?

  Crazy.

• 19:48Speaker 00

  Who we blaspheme on this podcast.

• 19:50Matt McCusker?

  I know, man. It was, yeah, it's, it's got, it's, it's got everyone, you know, it's a craze right now. It's like McCarthyism, but just pedophiles. Everyone's trying to figure out who's a pedophile right now.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  Well, that was Metzger came in last night.

• 20:01Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 20:02Matt McCusker?

  Gave you the day.

• 20:03Speaker 00

  I asked him a question of the night, one question. I said, is, was Nick Fuentes the head of the Proud Boys? And he was like, no. Then he broke it all. It was like I sent him down some sort of spiral that he was like, what are you, an idiot? Like I, and he had to explain everything. I don't understand a thing he's talking about.

• 20:20Matt McCusker?

  He can do a good 45 minute talk.

• 20:22Speaker 00

  Yes, and not, and, and like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu you verbally, like you're like, you're like, I gotta try to.

• 20:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 20:28Speaker 00

  Or the worst.

• 20:29Matt McCusker?

  Squeeze out. You know about like the medieval papal conspiracies, right? And I'm like, no.

• 20:32Speaker 00

  No, he's like, yeah, right away. He's like, well, here's 30 seconds on that before I get into the next thing you don't understand. You're like, what are you talking about? I love him, but it's like.

• 20:41Matt McCusker?

  The scolding is the worst when he, I feel like I disappoint him. He's like, you fucking, you don't know about that.

• 20:45Speaker 00

  But now I feel like, dude, he's right. He's been talking about, like, he's been trying to get someone to listen to this. And now he's, you know, a lot of the shit's right.

• 20:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 20:54Speaker 02

  I don't know about the eating children.

• 20:55Speaker 00

  No, that's where I draw the line. Yes, that's, yeah.

• 20:58Speaker 02

  I'm not sure.

• 20:59Speaker 00

  He tried to get me into that and I was like, I can't do the eating shit. I can't.

• 21:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. What's the proof?

• 21:05Speaker 00

  What's the proof that they did?

• 21:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 21:07Speaker 00

  Really? Do children, do you think they would taste good?

• 21:09Matt McCusker?

  Well, if you look at it, veal tastes good. Every baby animal is the best tasting version of that animal.

• 21:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, I wish you didn't make the best point I've ever heard.

• 21:18Matt McCusker?

  I know, no.

• 21:19Speaker 00

  That was the worst. I was like, I'm trying to go down the road of like, if you're gonna eat, eat another big person, like another cannibalism.

• 21:26Matt McCusker?

  This thought disturbed me very badly the other night. I was laying awake and I was thinking about lamb. I like eating lamb.

• 21:31Speaker 00

  I do love lamb.

• 21:32Matt McCusker?

  I'm like, why is it so, it's a baby, but it's so delicious.

• 21:34Speaker 00

  Parmesan.

• 21:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, babies are the most delicious animals you can eat.

• 21:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:39Matt McCusker?

  Just by design.

• 21:40Speaker 00

  Isn't that fish eggs?

• 21:41Matt McCusker?

  It's an egg, yeah. The baby, the tiniest baby.

• 21:43Speaker 00

  The tiniest of all the babies.

• 21:44Matt McCusker?

  And they're the most expensive.

• 21:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, dude, and they're the best.

• 21:47Speaker 02

  I have a two-year-old at my rental house right now.

• 21:50Speaker 00

  Fire up the grill, let's see how this thing tastes. Ooh, list babies, delicious.

• 21:55Matt McCusker?

  You could eat the meat of like a warrior's thigh for like religious purposes.

• 21:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, that, you know.

• 21:59Matt McCusker?

  You know.

• 22:00Speaker 00

  That feels like.

• 22:01Matt McCusker?

  After you rip his heart down and throw it down the steps, you could eat a small sliver of his thigh.

• 22:05Speaker 00

  But, but you know what, though? The eating of the babies makes so much more sense now, cause like progressives are like, supposed to be like poshy people and it seems, I could just see them all slicing up a little piece and just tasting it and being like, mm, delicious, you know?

• 22:21Matt McCusker?

  Lock you into my fitness, pal.

• 22:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, like.

• 22:25Matt McCusker?

  That's how they probably got caught. They're probably trying to upload the macros from baby.

• 22:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, like how many calories are in a baby's thumb?

• 22:32Speaker 00

  You know, like whatever you're eating.

• 22:34Matt McCusker?

  You think they suck the baby's thumb for a little bit too?

• 22:35Speaker 00

  Oh, god, man. I mean, it's terrible, but I never, until you said the thing about how great little things taste.

• 22:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, well, there's also that whole adrenochrome thing and like stem cell, babies have a lot of stem cells and it could be like health.

• 22:49Speaker 00

  I can't get on board with it. I cannot believe it.

• 22:51Matt McCusker?

  I'm not, I'm not like.

• 22:51Speaker 00

  It seems like you're trying to convince me.

• 22:53Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 22:54Speaker 00

  Well, that makes more sense. If you're killing a baby for the stem cells to refurbish yourself or whatever. Yeah, keep yourself. Then you're like, we might as well eat it. Yeah, why waste it? If the motivation is the stem cell and then eating it is sort of like its own.

• 23:05Matt McCusker?

  Well, the, go ahead, let me.

• 23:07Speaker 04

  I saw a video and they said they like, they would impregnate ladies and have them like get abortions and they would eat the fetus's for all the stem cells so they can stay young.

• 23:16Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 23:20Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 23:21Speaker 04

  So.

• 23:21Speaker 03

  Picture of a baby like.

• 23:22Speaker 00

  Unredacted?

• 23:24Speaker 03

  I mean, the senders and recipients are redacted, but there's like.

• 23:27Speaker 00

  Why are those people redacted?

• 23:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's insane.

• 23:30Speaker 00

  Those are the people.

• 23:33Speaker 03

  The reason it's the

• 23:34Matt McCusker?

  Baby

• 23:34Speaker 00

  The people that ate the baby.

• 23:36Speaker 03

  A lot of laws in doing that apparently according to Nick Bryan.

• 23:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I can see that. Well, the million dollar question is if they get busted doing like hard, you know, satanic, you know, symbology, then that leads to maybe they were eating babies for ritual stuff. But if you look at the, there was a weird temple on the island. So it's like, why would you put that on there?

• 23:58Speaker 00

  Yeah. Does this end? Is it over now? Or you think it's like under ground, the ground now? Like they have to go really underground?

• 24:05Matt McCusker?

  I mean, it's billionaires, man. Billionaires have so much money. It's like, that's, you know, it's one place. They can probably be like, all right, let's switch it up. But I don't, again, I don't, I'm with you. I don't know if they're eating babies. I don't want people, I don't know. I think like to assume like, yeah, I knew they were eating babies.

• 24:18Speaker 00

  It's the problem is is that like they were right about some of the stuff that we were like, no way, dude. And now it's like, we got it. They're trying to get us over that baby eating bridge. And I don't know.

• 24:28Matt McCusker?

  I mean, they practice cannibalism still in different parts of the world. So if you're like a global citizen like these guys were, that's why the age consent is not a real thing to them.

• 24:38Speaker 00

  It's not shocking to them.

• 24:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Cause they're going, dude, I can just fly to Thailand and do this. So like, if I have my own island and I'm going back and forth to Thailand, I might as well just

• 24:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:45Matt McCusker?

  Be a petarast on my island.

• 24:46Speaker 02

  I gotta figure out how to make more money.

• 24:48Speaker 00

  I know. I gotta get my punch up live.

• 24:53Speaker 02

  We get that thing.

• 24:55Matt McCusker?

  More crowd work. You gotta.

• 24:56Speaker 00

  I gotta crowd work it up, dude. Get some vids out there.

• 24:58Matt McCusker?

  Dying on a baby.

• 24:59Speaker 02

  I think that's dying though. I think the crowd works dying.

• 25:01Matt McCusker?

  I think so.

• 25:02Speaker 02

  Feels like it.

• 25:02Speaker 00

  Really?

• 25:03Matt McCusker?

  I think so. Yeah. What's the new, what's the new wave though? That's the question.

• 25:07Speaker 00

  Props.

• 25:07Matt McCusker?

  Props.

• 25:10Matt McCusker?

  Prop comedy, prop comedy clips will be nice.

• 25:12Speaker 00

  I've been doing the Sora, you know, that the three D, the, I mean, the AI, like it just, you could make yourself do anything. I've been using that as promo. That's like people and people hate it because they're like using AI, AI or whatever, but they're easy, they're fun, they're stupid and they're, you can literally put yourself in any situation in the world.

• 25:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 25:31Speaker 00

  It's, it's sick.

• 25:32Speaker 02

  You can eat a baby.

• 25:33Speaker 00

  You could, I mean, maybe not. No, sometimes one time I was like, I was gonna do a joke about my son wants abs or whatever. And I was like, maybe I'll animate, see if the joke works. And they were like, no, no, no, no, nothing, no kids shirtless, nothing like that. So there are parameters.

• 25:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 25:48Speaker 00

  I've been, I've, every video I make, I do, I go, make me a ripped 50 year old man. And it's, it's seamless, dude.

• 25:54Matt McCusker?

  I get fooled by them all the time. Did you do one recently where you're skiing?

• 25:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:58Matt McCusker?

  You're jacked. Yeah, I got, I was like, damn, Ren Azizi is jacked.

• 26:00Speaker 00

  I get fooled, dude.

• 26:01Matt McCusker?

  I get fooled every time I see those things. I'm like.

• 26:03Speaker 00

  I know. I get like, family members being like, what are you, are you on TRT? Like, what are you doing? People think it's real. It's so fucking, it's amazing.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  I've seen the one where you can make two people kiss.

• 26:13Speaker 00

  That's.

• 26:13Speaker 02

  I did that at Skankfest and I thought that was real.

• 26:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:15Speaker 02

  It was like Aaron Berg and, uh,

• 26:17Speaker 00

  Yup.

• 26:17Speaker 02

  Lev Fer.

• 26:18Speaker 00

  You can make them kiss.

• 26:19Speaker 02

  Yeah. And they were just making out and I was like, what are you guys doing?

• 26:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:22Speaker 02

  They're like, ah, we're at Skankfest. And I was like, Jesus, that's crazy.

• 26:28Speaker 02

  And then you realize the real you comes out. I'm like, I'm not into this.

• 26:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's not me.

• 26:33Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Dude, me and, uh, me and Lemare were in, uh, where was it? Salt Lake City in Boise, Idaho this weekend and we, you know, I think we're in Boise. We're walking and we passed this bank called Zion Bank. We're just joking with each other, be like, I wonder who owns, you know, that establishment. Just having a good laugh, innocent laugh with each other. And as we turned the corner, they were surrounded by Palestinian protesters. And I was like, damn, that must've sucked. If you were a Jewish banker, because it was literally Friday, like 6:00 PM, week's finally over TGIF.

• 27:07Matt McCusker?

  And you come out to your mortal enemies.

• 27:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, right there.

• 27:09Matt McCusker?

  That would fucking, that would, that would fucking, that would suck.

• 27:11Speaker 00

  I know.

• 27:12Matt McCusker?

  I was just thinking about that. We're like, damn, that would stink, man.

• 27:15Speaker 00

  On a Friday, yeah.

• 27:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you're just a Jewish banker.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, like, damn it.

• 27:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they're just holding up fucking big billboards and.

• 27:22Speaker 00

  What were they there for? Just because they hate?

• 27:23Matt McCusker?

  Protest.

• 27:24Speaker 00

  Protesting?

• 27:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 27:25Speaker 02

  Just the country?

• 27:26Speaker 00

  Or is it real?

• 27:29Matt McCusker?

  I didn't ask. I was like, this is none of my business.

• 27:30Speaker 00

  What are you guys into? What's your, what's your real beef?

• 27:32Matt McCusker?

  Show to do.

• 27:33Speaker 00

  Break it down for me.

• 27:34Matt McCusker?

  I had a show to do, man. I was, you know, it's none of my business, but I walked past and I was like, damn, this just does not seem, it doesn't seem like a pleasant thing to walk out to.

• 27:41Speaker 02

  No, that would be a bummer.

• 27:42Speaker 00

  You'd, yeah, it also, it's, yeah, a banker. I walked around when the whole, uh, thing was going on originally with October 7th with Ari. We were on a tour. We went to some colleges and they were protesting there.

• 27:54Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 27:55Speaker 00

  And he would just walk around and fuck with people. Just like, he was very, he didn't take it obviously seriously, but like, I felt bad. I was like, dude, we shouldn't be here right now. Like, you're like, you're like. They're they're swastikas around like they're like they were getting hardcore.

• 28:09Matt McCusker?

  Damn.

• 28:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, and he was, you know, he, you know, Ari, but like, I was, I was like, oof, this is, this feels horrific.

• 28:15Matt McCusker?

  There were swastikas on the college?

• 28:16Speaker 00

  I mean, they were like, yeah, I mean, they went all the way, dude. Yeah.

• 28:20Matt McCusker?

  Were they the college kids or are they just like?

• 28:21Speaker 00

  College kids and then like, you know, sort of like whatever the people that come to protest with them or whatever, you know? But yeah, it was like.

• 28:28Matt McCusker?

  Dang, I didn't know they were robbing, I didn't know that it was that bad.

• 28:30Speaker 00

  Oh, it was horrible, dude.

• 28:32Speaker 02

  I went, uh, one time, remember, um, Michael Sam, the football player, Missouri?

• 28:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:39Speaker 02

  I was in, what is, where is Mizzou, Columbia or Columbus? I always forget.

• 28:44Speaker 00

  Oh, the college?

• 28:45Speaker 02

  Columbia, Columbia, Missouri. So I was doing the club in Columbia and this was like right at his time. And the, uh, Westboro Baptist Church people, which I had never heard of the Westboro Baptist. That's the, I'm saying that right?

• 28:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:57Speaker 02

  Those, yeah. I thought these were just like community people, but they were all protesting and it was like, go home, homo and all this stuff.

• 29:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:03Speaker 02

  And, you know, I was a good progressive guy. I was like, fucking, I was with Tommy John again. I was like, drive by there. I'm gonna give them a what's for. And so I was like leaning out the window and I was like, fuck you, you fucking bigot. And I just yelled.

• 29:14Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 29:16Speaker 02

  You fucking.

• 29:16Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 29:17Speaker 02

  Copsuckers. Because I couldn't think, that was like the most fucking. But I realized as we buy, I'm like, they probably think I'm on there.

• 29:23Speaker 00

  It's sad.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:25Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 29:26Speaker 02

  Fuck.

• 29:26Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 29:27Speaker 02

  Like, I couldn't.

• 29:28Speaker 00

  Damn.

• 29:28Speaker 02

  I was trying to hurt them.

• 29:30Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 29:31Speaker 02

  But I'm like.

• 29:31Speaker 00

  You're the. Hello.

• 29:32Speaker 02

  One of us.

• 29:34Speaker 02

  I don't know if I could say that on this.

• 29:35Matt McCusker?

  That's, no, that's, I still, that's like my level 10 angry. If I get very angry, it just flies out of me.

• 29:41Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 29:41Matt McCusker?

  I'm like arguing with strangers, usually from my car. That's unfortunately.

• 29:46Speaker 00

  It's much better than the N word.

• 29:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 29:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 29:48Matt McCusker?

  I would like to think so.

• 29:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:49Matt McCusker?

  So.

• 29:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:52Speaker 02

  We're the good guys.

• 29:53Matt McCusker?

  I like to think so.

• 29:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:54Matt McCusker?

  The dad will, you can rattle one of those out of me if you get me angry enough.

• 29:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, but it was, it was definitely, I remember sitting back in the car being like, oh, that wasn't great. That my finest moment right there.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  But also, I think like the West Bar, are they still around those guys?

• 30:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think they still are.

• 30:08Matt McCusker?

  When we lived in Philly, we would see them all the time near where we were living and we would go down and just kind of watch them do their thing. Those dudes just rip.

• 30:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're fun.

• 30:17Matt McCusker?

  They'll start roasting you. If they, if you're standing, they get like the sense that you're kind of like laughing at them. They'll just zero in on you and be like, fuck you. Nice hat, you piece of shit. They'll like come at you.

• 30:25Speaker 00

  Really?

• 30:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 30:26Speaker 00

  It gets like specific on?

• 30:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he got shit. Me and Shane were standing there years ago and he was like, Notre Dame fucking sucks. And we just kept talking. It was literally, it was very funny.

• 30:34Speaker 00

  Ironically, they're similar to black people.

• 30:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 30:36Speaker 00

  They like to roast, they like to rip on people.

• 30:38Matt McCusker?

  Look at these pants.

• 30:40Speaker 00

  Come on. Why don't you just roast each other?

• 30:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 30:44Speaker 00

  That's not bad. We should have them on. We got the podium. We got the podium right here.

• 30:48Matt McCusker?

  Westboro would be nice. I'd like to have Westboro and, or Westboro, whatever it's called, and Black Israelite. They'd be

• 30:53Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 30:54Matt McCusker?

  Good guys.

• 30:55Speaker 00

  I feel like I'm shaking this thing.

• 30:56Matt McCusker?

  It's okay.

• 30:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:57Matt McCusker?

  I feel like they'd be a nice match because they are essentially the same beings, like same thing.

• 31:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, they're passionate.

• 31:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 31:06Speaker 00

  They're both passionate.

• 31:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I would say that.

• 31:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:09Matt McCusker?

  They're also like, it's like, it's like, yeah, like religious edul. It's like, they're like, that's like to the max.

• 31:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:16Matt McCusker?

  Just being like, yeah, I don't like accept homosexuality and you just scream people.

• 31:20Speaker 00

  Do they fly like, do they fly like together to the, like?

• 31:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they got a jet.

• 31:25Speaker 00

  That's what I wondered. Like, do they like have like, they, what, do they all go, like if something happens in Cleveland? Do they all fly to Cleveland to protest?

• 31:33Matt McCusker?

  There's like local.

• 31:34Speaker 00

  There's local chapters.

• 31:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 31:36Speaker 00

  I've never seen a Westboro chap anywhere I've been, but I mean.

• 31:40Matt McCusker?

  I've never seen a Black Israelite on a plane.

• 31:43Matt McCusker?

  I think they're foot travel primarily.

• 31:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. Foot or?

• 31:51Speaker 00

  Or train. They could take a train.

• 31:53Matt McCusker?

  I've never seen them on a train.

• 31:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true.

• 31:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I think, I don't know. That's just the air thing.

• 31:59Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 31:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, we're fine.

• 32:00Speaker 00

  We're gonna air raid. Changing topic again. Yeah, enough with that. They can travel however they like.

• 32:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. No, I never, yeah, those scream, scream political guys are nice. I like them. There's something about them that is kind of fun. It's just so ridiculous. But it feels like, like, what's that word? Theater? Like, uh, uh, what's that thing called that people like they do shit out in the street?

• 32:25Speaker 00

  Performance.

• 32:25Matt McCusker?

  Performance. It feels like performance art, or they actually just psych.

• 32:29Speaker 00

  Like how, that's what I was saying, how into that? Like, if it's, if it's not something that really hits them, like, I guess all these issues hit them hard of like, these gays are getting married or whatever, but like, do they give it their all every time they go? Or is it just sort of they, you know, you phone it in after a while? Like, this is what we do.

• 32:43Matt McCusker?

  It seemed like he was kind of phoning it in a little bit. Like, he was doing the thing, but it didn't, it didn't seem like he was, you've seen the guys before in Vegas are like, you're going to hell.

• 32:50Speaker 00

  Yup.

• 32:51Matt McCusker?

  He seemed like he was just kind of like.

• 32:52Speaker 00

  Dialing it in.

• 32:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 32:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:54Matt McCusker?

  Torturing people. You're probably going to hell, but if you don't, that's fine.

• 32:56Speaker 00

  It's cool.

• 32:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 32:58Speaker 00

  This guy's an idiot.

• 32:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 32:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:00Matt McCusker?

  No, he was, he was definitely, he was ripping. But yeah, dude, I, um, we were in Salt Lake this weekend. I didn't know, there was a theater that's no alcohol.

• 33:07Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 33:08Matt McCusker?

  Completely dry theater. It was fun, but I was like, I've never seen that before.

• 33:12Speaker 00

  Could you drink?

• 33:13Matt McCusker?

  I don't really drink, but I just stand up, so.

• 33:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it was like an option if you wanted to or whatever?

• 33:17Matt McCusker?

  No, you couldn't. Nobody.

• 33:19Speaker 00

  No, not saying the audience, but like backstage or whatever.

• 33:21Matt McCusker?

  I could if I wanted to, but the whole audience, no bar service, nothing.

• 33:24Speaker 00

  Weird.

• 33:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. And you didn't know that before? I, the day I got there.

• 33:28Speaker 00

  How did they make money?

• 33:30Matt McCusker?

  The door.

• 33:31Speaker 00

  The door, but I mean, you gotta get some of that, but I mean, like, where's, where's their concessions?

• 33:35Matt McCusker?

  They hurt me.

• 33:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:37Matt McCusker?

  They hurt me bad, but no, it was, uh, you know, I don't know. I, that's what I was trying to figure out. I'm like, what the fuck?

• 33:41Speaker 00

  Popcorn? You know?

• 33:43Matt McCusker?

  I think they did have, did spell like popcorn.

• 33:47Matt McCusker?

  Keep it going. Keep the, the mill run.

• 33:50Speaker 00

  That's crazy. No alcohol.

• 33:52Matt McCusker?

  I don't know. I, I almost, I've been thinking too, like, I think they, I think we should do something now where it's like, you know, we have rehab, but we should have like a, almost like an all inclusive thing for alcoholics to relapse within. You know what I'm saying? Like if you're like, I'm getting the itch and I can't stop it. It's like, all right, you gotta go to it's like the opposite of rehab where you just fucking rage for like a month.

• 34:13Speaker 00

  Hey, that's not bad.

• 34:14Matt McCusker?

  It's not a bad idea.

• 34:15Speaker 00

  But they're not out. They're like contained.

• 34:16Matt McCusker?

  You're contained.

• 34:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:18Matt McCusker?

  Completely contained. Everyone they got, you got people that can like pull you, pull you to sleep, but you get to just move for like.

• 34:23Speaker 00

  Get it out of your system?

• 34:24Speaker 02

  Pretty interesting because there's no, no phone. You can't text the X. You can't go cheat.

• 34:28Speaker 00

  So it's like, uh, yeah.

• 34:29Matt McCusker?

  Totally clinical, but you would still put like Margaritaville.

• 34:32Speaker 00

  Okay, but.

• 34:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 34:35Speaker 00

  You're gonna feel the old feelings. You're gonna get that old thrill, that joy back.

• 34:39Matt McCusker?

  Your family could come visit you.

• 34:40Speaker 00

  What is that?

• 34:41Matt McCusker?

  Fucking smack them.

• 34:42Speaker 00

  What's that last week when you gotta wean them back off and get them back into like, send them back home into rehab? That's gonna be, that's the tough part.

• 34:48Matt McCusker?

  You could stage like a, like a, you know, like a vehicular manslaughter.

• 34:55Speaker 00

  Like you're outside of fucking Cabo Wabo and all of a sudden three hookers just slit your throat and you're like, wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold on, hold on. My ticket back. I'm good. I'm gonna dial it down, start to bring it down. No more lines.

• 35:09Speaker 02

  This could be something. This could be your ticket to billionaire.

• 35:11Matt McCusker?

  I mean, yeah.

• 35:12Speaker 00

  And this is, you're like an expert. So.

• 35:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, something of that. I could be a, what do you call it?

• 35:18Speaker 00

  A test case.

• 35:19Speaker 02

  A consultant.

• 35:23Speaker 02

  Did I just say a crazy word that I didn't know? Everyone stopped.

• 35:28Matt McCusker?

  And everyone was like, oh shit.

• 35:29Speaker 00

  I was waiting for the word you were gonna say.

• 35:30Speaker 02

  I was like, Jesus.

• 35:31Matt McCusker?

  Well, you could keep them right next to rehab. So it's just like, hey, man.

• 35:35Speaker 00

  A or B.

• 35:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. A or B. Just have it out and you get tired, come over here. And then eventually I think people might be like, I'm just gonna stay over here.

• 35:41Speaker 00

  But I think that only works for people who have been sober for a while and then just wanna, are feeling it again. I don't think to get sober, you just send them back to like, this is the last stand, like this is gonna be your last sort of, yeah, the last ride.

• 35:55Matt McCusker?

  Beginning guys, you couldn't give them like an all inclusive.

• 35:57Speaker 00

  No, because they're, they're gonna be like, this is the, we're never leaving. We're taking it over.

• 36:02Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 36:02Speaker 00

  You know, we'll, we'll.

• 36:04Matt McCusker?

  You'd have to limit people. Their insurance will run out and you'd be like, all right, you're done.

• 36:06Speaker 00

  True, yeah.

• 36:07Matt McCusker?

  Insurance is running out.

• 36:08Speaker 00

  Sorry dude, your HMO sucks. You gotta go.

• 36:10Matt McCusker?

  You go drink wine in the street.

• 36:12Speaker 02

  I just like anytime someone's thinking outside the box, coming up with new things. So. I appreciate the idea.

• 36:17Matt McCusker?

  I think it'd be cool.

• 36:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's a good idea.

• 36:19Speaker 02

  I think there should be gyms at the airport. You got delays.

• 36:23Matt McCusker?

  I think RFK is trying to do that.

• 36:25Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 36:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he's trying to make the airports healthier. He's trying to like change the shitty food.

• 36:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, but.

• 36:32Speaker 00

  We lost already when they put massage places in before they put gyms. Like, if you're gonna choose between just laying down and getting a nice massage or taking a nap or going to the gym, I think most people are gonna go take that nap.

• 36:44Matt McCusker?

  I don't see people hit massages at all in the air. I've seen the tables. I've seen maybe like two people actually get.

• 36:49Speaker 00

  Really?

• 36:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 36:50Speaker 00

  I see people in there all the time in those little chairs. Yeah, I mean, in the afternoon and stuff, not early mornings, but like in the afternoon.

• 36:56Speaker 02

  Sometimes it's a long travel day and you're like, I'd like to get some pushups in, but you look like a fucking psychopath. Even if there was just a real, San Francisco airport has a yoga room, which is something.

• 37:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:05Speaker 02

  That's just a little bizarre to be doing yoga to me.

• 37:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 37:08Speaker 02

  But let me like, let me knock out a few pushups.

• 37:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, if you're gonna do that, I could walk the airport, get the legs going, get a little blood flow. But yeah, if you're gonna start, you're gonna look like a psycho if you start doing pull ups and pushups or something like that. But I see people stretch, do full body, like, you know, yoga poses and stuff in the middle of like the areas and stuff.

• 37:26Matt McCusker?

  I can't do it. I can maybe, I can hit like a hamstring, like touch my toes, stretch. I can't do like the downward. I couldn't do like downward dog or like.

• 37:33Speaker 00

  No, but I can loosen up my hips. I would like that.

• 37:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 37:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:36Speaker 02

  Well, my, this is one of the things I'm most jealous of people, the people that just aren't completely embarrassed to do things publicly.

• 37:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 37:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, like I see people like doing yoga just in a public space, like in a park. And I'm like, I feel like such a fucking self conscious.

• 37:52Speaker 00

  Everyone's looking at you right now. How could you not know that and be fucking self conscious about that?

• 37:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:57Speaker 00

  But it's a freedom they have.

• 37:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't have it.

• 37:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 38:00Speaker 02

  I think it's from, I think it's growing up in New England and then being a comedian.

• 38:04Speaker 00

  Well, it's also having a family.

• 38:05Speaker 02

  Am I standing okay?

• 38:06Speaker 00

  You've had a family, like, what are you doing in here? What the fuck? Why are you trying to be different and comfortable?

• 38:10Speaker 02

  No, I have to pretend I don't like movies that I like in my family.

• 38:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 38:15Speaker 02

  I'm like, that's fucking foreign film.

• 38:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:19Speaker 02

  I loved it.

• 38:20Speaker 00

  My wife's family doesn't like, she's they're part Jewish. They don't like Matt Damon from that. What was that movie where he um with Brendan Fraser?

• 38:28Speaker 02

  Oh, School Ties.

• 38:29Speaker 00

  School Ties. They're like, because he was so real in that as an anti semi that they were like, this guy's got it in him. This guy has like real hatred of Jews in him. Like they have a real, like that total disconnect from reality that they believe that Matt Damon is an anti semi. Yeah, for real. And so we all have to pretend that like Matt Damon is not cool.

• 38:47Speaker 02

  They must really hate Ralph Fiennes. I don't think, yeah. I won an Oscar.

• 38:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's true.

• 38:52Speaker 02

  Well, he didn't win an Oscar. He lost the Oscar to Tommy Lee Jones. I can feel people at home. Oh, he didn't. He pissed the shit.

• 38:57Speaker 00

  No, that's comment farming. That's good for engagement.

• 38:59Speaker 02

  Oh, good.

• 39:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, there you go.

• 39:01Speaker 02

  Shit.

• 39:01Speaker 00

  Did he? No, that's I that's great. I didn't know he had a movie where he was an anti semi.

• 39:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, School Ties. Yeah, that was the early one.

• 39:08Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 39:09Speaker 02

  Damn. Possibly pre Good Will Hunting.

• 39:11Speaker 00

  I think it was.

• 39:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:13Speaker 00

  I don't think you do Good Will Hunting and get nominated for Academy Award and then go, I'll play, I'll go play an anti semi for uh.

• 39:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, true. That's wild. It's wild. I wonder who produced that movie?

• 39:22Speaker 02

  Uh, School Ties? I don't remember. It'd be crazy if you just pulled out the producer of School Ties.

• 39:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, Yon.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  Good.

• 39:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's uh, cause you never really see people, he didn't win in any awards for that role.

• 39:34Speaker 02

  No, it was like a small role.

• 39:35Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 39:36Speaker 02

  It was like, he was like Jew hater number five, whatever. Yeah, that's like, yeah, he didn't even have a name, I don't think. He's also in Carge Under Fire. He's real skinny in that one.

• 39:45Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 39:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, also early. By the way, someone just sent me a great Good Will Hunting plot hole. And it was just a guy, it wasn't a guy with like, it was in social media. He had like 40 followers.

• 39:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:57Speaker 02

  But it's a great, the one about.

• 39:58Speaker 00

  You say you posted about it, right?

• 40:00Speaker 02

  No, not, not mine. I had my own.

• 40:02Speaker 00

  Okay, yeah, yeah, the car, yeah, yeah.

• 40:04Speaker 02

  That one, the people poking holes in. But the scene, you know the movie, right?

• 40:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:08Speaker 02

  The famous scene of like, uh, how you like me now? And he, you know, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon's, yeah, Ben Affleck's talking to the guy and then he's like, is, he makes Ben Affleck look stupid and then Matt Damon comes and makes him look stupid. And then the guy's like, uh, yeah, well, your kids will be, you'll be serving my kids french fries. Why does he assume Matt Damon doesn't go to Harvard also? He knows nothing about him. They're at a Harvard bar. Matt Damon just like dunked on him.

• 40:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:35Speaker 02

  He proves he's like an absolute genius and the guy's like, well, you'll be working at fucking Burger King.

• 40:39Speaker 00

  Yeah. Why doesn't he assume like?

• 40:41Speaker 02

  He doesn't know what we know.

• 40:42Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yes.

• 40:44Speaker 02

  Is it just the accent?

• 40:46Speaker 00

  I get, well, yeah, the horrible Southie accent. I mean.

• 40:50Speaker 02

  I guess. Yeah. But like the Kennedys have accents. They're smart.

• 40:55Speaker 00

  Okay. All right. All right.

• 40:57Speaker 02

  So this, you know what I mean?

• 40:58Speaker 00

  I mean, this is what we're here for with these podiums. Okay. All right.

• 41:01Speaker 02

  Ladies and gentlemen, this is a piece of bad writing.

• 41:04Matt McCusker?

  So that was, that was the plot hole that they all of a sudden knew that he wasn't.

• 41:08Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, I mean, it's like, they're in a Harvard bar in Cambridge and this guy walks over and is like fucking just rifling off all these.

• 41:15Speaker 00

  Hold on. Didn't before that he asked him, who did you have for, like, didn't he mention a teacher? Did they, they talk about like, didn't you have this guy for, or was it a book?

• 41:24Speaker 02

  I think it was like a book.

• 41:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:25Speaker 02

  Cause he's quoting a book to Ben Affleck.

• 41:27Speaker 00

  Oh, you read this and that. Okay.

• 41:29Matt McCusker?

  So that, what is that movie? I've seen that movie, but it was a long time ago. It's essentially about a guy who's white trash, but is smart.

• 41:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah. He's a janitor.

• 41:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I remember that. He's a janitor.

• 41:39Speaker 02

  He's a genius and.

• 41:41Speaker 00

  He works at MIT, I think it was.

• 41:42Speaker 02

  Yeah. He cleans floors at MIT. He's a genius and he needs to be challenged. I mean, the whole movie's wonderful, but silly.

• 41:48Speaker 00

  Yeah. I mean, like their original, you know, the original script was like, they were like, they solved the problem because aliens were coming down and stuff like that. Oh, yeah.

• 41:57Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 41:57Speaker 00

  Horrific. Yeah. It was like really bad.

• 42:00Matt McCusker?

  Well, there's rumors that people, someone else kind of.

• 42:02Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, I think because there were, they were like, he, they went so far, like he had, he was the only person that could figure out the algorithm to set the thing off. That was going to kill the rocket that was coming down to shoot up Earth or whatever.

• 42:14Matt McCusker?

  It's like Armageddon.

• 42:14Speaker 00

  Yeah. So I think they were going in that direction.

• 42:16Matt McCusker?

  That's also a weird, that's a weird fantasy that I've like, it's a personality type. That's like, there was this guy and he was really smart and only he knew the solution to the big problem and he saved everyone. It's, I've like heard people do that before.

• 42:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:29Matt McCusker?

  Well, that's, I've never, that's never anything I've ever fantasized about.

• 42:31Speaker 00

  It was way better the way it went, the way they chose to go.

• 42:34Speaker 02

  Well, I think Louis had a bit about it too. It's like. Matt Damon wrote the movie, he stars in the movie and like, it's like, he's like a badass who can fight and beat the shit out of anybody, but he's also super smart. But he's also cool.

• 42:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:49Speaker 02

  And it's like, there's no, the guy has no flaw whatsoever in the movie.

• 42:53Speaker 00

  But he's a piece of shit.

• 42:54Speaker 02

  He like overcame everything and he can fight and he's cool and he's smart.

• 42:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, but we gotta feel bad for him.

• 42:58Speaker 02

  And yeah.

• 42:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Cause he can't get it together with the hot chick.

• 43:02Speaker 02

  Whatever, I like talking about.

• 43:03Matt McCusker?

  That's the, that's the big thing.

• 43:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, you know, cause he was abused and all this stuff. And then that's how Robin Williams gets involved, he's the therapist.

• 43:09Matt McCusker?

  Got you.

• 43:10Speaker 00

  Just, yeah.

• 43:11Matt McCusker?

  Is Ben Affleck in this movie though?

• 43:12Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 43:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 43:13Speaker 00

  What is it? So he's his best friend. I think that's the only way he might know that he's not from Harvard is because you wouldn't have a gorilla friend like Ben, like fucking Ben Affleck coming over here like, like nobody else was like, hey, I, you know, from Harvard was like going to interject. He's like, I'll take the shit out of you.

• 43:27Speaker 02

  Even if he doesn't go to Harvard, he's still clearly like a brilliant guy.

• 43:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 43:31Speaker 02

  He's like, yeah, you work at Burger King.

• 43:32Speaker 00

  No, you're right.

• 43:32Speaker 02

  He should have been like, why would I work at Burger King? I'm fucking.

• 43:35Speaker 00

  You're absolutely right, Joe.

• 43:36Speaker 02

  I mean, this is not my original point.

• 43:37Matt McCusker?

  What was your plot hole that everyone?

• 43:39Speaker 00

  I liked yours.

• 43:40Speaker 02

  My plot hole is they give him a car for his birthday, his 21st birthday, buy him a car. And then they're like, um, all right, and we're not driving you around anymore. And then like two scenes later, they pick him up, which someone pointed out, it could have been Saturday and they're going out to Drake. But they weren't like, oh, his car's not here. Like they're like, oh, he must be like, he's knocking on his door being like, where could he be?

• 44:01Speaker 00

  He could like, how could he possibly not be home?

• 44:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:04Speaker 00

  But a bit, it just indicated would be that his car is not here and the one you just bought.

• 44:08Matt McCusker?

  That seems like a bigger plot hole.

• 44:10Speaker 00

  Thank you, I appreciate it.

• 44:11Speaker 02

  Fuck that other guy.

• 44:12Matt McCusker?

  That guy's a fucking dumbass, bro.

• 44:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, he sucks.

• 44:14Matt McCusker?

  I'll never be like Good Will Hunting.

• 44:15Speaker 00

  Sorry, I brought it up.

• 44:20Speaker 00

  My heart's racing.

• 44:21Matt McCusker?

  I had, um, my whole family does like demolition. I remember when I started stand up, you know, I did stand up for a couple of years. I met a bunch of comedians in Philly and then I quit stand up to work in demolition. And I was walking home from work cause I, I was like working in Philly and I had to take the subway back to like where I lived. And I had like this, these like work overalls and I was all dirty. And I came off and saw all my comedian friends and they're like, oh man, where you been? I, I remember feeling so.

• 44:45Speaker 00

  Whoa.

• 44:46Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'm just working out, guys. I just like, I, it was such a good feeling.

• 44:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, you feel like a fucking productive member of society, dude.

• 44:54Matt McCusker?

  No, I felt more like Good Will Hunting. I felt like a misunderstood creative.

• 44:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:57Matt McCusker?

  I remember just being like, I'm a genius, obviously, I gotta go work. Tragedy, it's a tragedy, I gotta work for my dad right now. I can't do comedy open mics with you guys right now. So it's pretty cool.

• 45:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, I remember telling people my uncles are plumbers and I would go work with them and then I would tell people like, yeah, I do plumbing and they're like, oh shit, but which is cool where I come from.

• 45:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 45:18Speaker 02

  But I just was like wrench. I'm like, there you go. Like I didn't know how to plum.

• 45:25Speaker 02

  I was a helper guy.

• 45:26Speaker 00

  Tool to get yelled at.

• 45:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 45:27Speaker 00

  Just standing around like.

• 45:28Matt McCusker?

  I was a helper guy big time.

• 45:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:30Matt McCusker?

  I was never, anytime they were like, cut me a two by four. I needed 37 three quarters. I'd always be like, it's going to take me 20 minutes. I got it. There's so many lines. I'd have to be like, all right, the quarter or like the eighths and sixteenths on a tape measure. You're like.

• 45:43Speaker 00

  I tried to rent out my own bathroom once. I bought a condo. I was like, I'm going to do it myself because the demo part, that's fun.

• 45:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 45:49Speaker 00

  Ripping shit out and throwing it away and stuff. But then like the plumbing part, it was like, I got it. I couldn't get it right. I had to actually call a real plumber.

• 45:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 45:57Speaker 00

  To come over and finish the whole thing. It cost me a ton of money and it sucked. And I was like, this is not fun. Like I'm not have.

• 46:04Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 46:04Speaker 00

  This sucks dude. Like I'm never going to get good at this. I don't want to get good at this. It's just, I'm going to hire people. That's how it goes for the rest of my life.

• 46:10Speaker 02

  Plumbers are going to be fear. It'd be like if someone was like, yeah, I had a big corporate party and I wanted to do the stand up.

• 46:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know.

• 46:17Speaker 02

  I thought I was.

• 46:17Speaker 00

  I tried to do an hour, but it's way out of my life. I did four minutes.

• 46:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:21Speaker 00

  Killed for four minutes.

• 46:22Matt McCusker?

  Plumbing is hard. Plumbing is the only trade I never like got to like help out with or try to do.

• 46:27Speaker 00

  I don't even know how water goes upstairs in my house. Like, how do you make that water go up? Yeah, I know. Like the pressure and stuff.

• 46:33Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, but there is weird thing with water though. Like that. Yeah. How to get it to, I don't know.

• 46:39Speaker 00

  My brother in law is an HVAC guy and he just knows every, like he went to school.

• 46:42Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 46:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, like he.

• 46:43Matt McCusker?

  Whoa.

• 46:44Speaker 00

  Everything, bro. It's amazing.

• 46:46Speaker 02

  Hold on.

• 46:46Speaker 00

  It's amazing.

• 46:47Speaker 02

  Hold on.

• 46:48Speaker 00

  Whoa.

• 46:49Speaker 02

  This is friendship vibes right now.

• 46:50Speaker 00

  We got our clip.

• 46:51Speaker 02

  Purple friendship vibes.

• 46:54Speaker 00

  Straight to the top, baby.

• 46:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, no, I uh, I used to do house painting and like eighty percent of the customers are pregnant ladies that are about to have kids, you know, husband, everything, because they get that nesting instinct. They want to just change the house around. So a huge percentage of the jobs, the husband had tried to do it, failed. And then we would come in to like fix it and it was just, it was really demoralizing. You see the guy in there and he'd be like, yeah, it's up there and you walk in and he'd be like,

• 47:26Speaker 00

  All half on the ceiling.

• 47:27Matt McCusker?

  Fucked up and it would be like better.

• 47:29Speaker 00

  Tape is still on there. Swastika is everywhere.

• 47:33Matt McCusker?

  Using tape is kind of, the guy, my friend I worked for, he would call them tape users. It was like, it's kind of shameful.

• 47:39Speaker 00

  It was, I would frog tape the floor. I tried to do all the shit by myself.

• 47:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 47:43Speaker 00

  And then you, I hired an eighty year old Greek man that came in with like one arm, did the whole fucking thing. He's, my wife wanted uh, um, wallpaper on the ceiling. We have wallpaper on our ceiling.

• 47:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 47:54Speaker 00

  Nobody would do it. This fuck, this eighty year old Greek man did it in like an hour and a half. And perfect and beautiful. I'm like, I couldn't, if you gave me a hundred years.

• 48:03Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 48:03Speaker 00

  It would, it would look horrible.

• 48:05Matt McCusker?

  I feel like if you're using tape to paint, you should call someone else to paint for you.

• 48:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:09Matt McCusker?

  Tape is like, it takes so long and the chances of you not bleeding through and just fucking it up anyway, it's.

• 48:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, I, I hire everything.

• 48:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, so do I.

• 48:18Speaker 00

  That's what real men do. I guess. I mean, I feel like I, you know, you see your friends cutting their own lawns and shit and they look really nice. Like my guy cuts my lawn on Thursday. Some Sunday, Sundays, it's like sometimes it doesn't look great. And I want to cut again, but I can't because I don't have the skills.

• 48:34Matt McCusker?

  You can cut a lawn, you can do a lawn.

• 48:37Speaker 00

  I don't have the lawnmower, this is a little. I don't have a lawnmower or the skills to do it, but yeah.

• 48:42Matt McCusker?

  I mean, it's, yeah, I wouldn't. If you don't have to do it, I wouldn't do any of that stuff.

• 48:46Speaker 00

  One time I got, when I first bought my house, I got a ride on lawnmower and it was, ah, it was awesome. The guy left it and I was driving around. I didn't know how it worked. I remember I, like, I would cut the whole grass and then I realized at the end, I never put the mower part down.

• 48:58Matt McCusker?

  Ah.

• 48:59Speaker 00

  I never put the blade down. I was just like a Zamboni going up and down my fucking driveway. Up and down my lawn, like smoking a pot, like feeling like a man, dude. Like this is pretty thick still, you know?

• 49:12Matt McCusker?

  Just drove over.

• 49:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, just rode around with a fucking. But a lawnmower lawnmower is just like a shopping cart.

• 49:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 49:19Speaker 00

  You just hold it and yeah, push it.

• 49:21Matt McCusker?

  The, the, it depends on how, if you can get your lines neat, that's.

• 49:24Speaker 00

  But then the edging, you know, the edging, all that stuff. You gotta buy the trimmer and then the blower and stuff. Yeah, the weed whacking, they do it so well.

• 49:32Matt McCusker?

  Weed whacking is sick. I, I used to do lawn care and I, being just the weed whacker guy, you hop out, someone mows and you just get to walk and just go. Shit was fucking awesome.

• 49:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, a lot, a lot of hands.

• 49:42Matt McCusker?

  I did, I've had, I've had many, I've had almost every type of job you can possibly have.

• 49:46Speaker 00

  You're like the Village People.

• 49:50Matt McCusker?

  No, yeah, I had a dog walking, dog walking was cool.

• 49:53Speaker 00

  Dog walk, I used to.

• 49:54Matt McCusker?

  That was my favorite one.

• 49:55Speaker 00

  I used to drive an old lady to dialysis three times a week when I first moved to Los Angeles. She was, uh, probably 90 years old. And she, I take her, she was, she was funny, nice, you know, older lady from Brooklyn. And, but she would, you know, dialysis is pretty crazy.

• 50:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's intense.

• 50:13Speaker 00

  So she would get, she would get like, uh, she would get into my car and then all of a sudden like she would rush and she would, and it'd start to bleed again. I'd have to drive her back and she was like, I'm embarrassed and that, I would take her to the store.

• 50:24Matt McCusker?

  She just wanted.

• 50:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was like, no, no, I'm like, I'm like, I felt responsible for this lady.

• 50:33Speaker 00

  Come here, come here.

• 50:36Speaker 00

  We, I would take her shopping, dude, it was like, we, it was like Tuesdays with fucking Maury, her and I. Like we, we would spend all day together, grocery shopping. She like buying like hair products and stuff, but she was like my grandmother, I would drive her around for like.

• 50:49Matt McCusker?

  That's kinda nice. You do like home care, pretty much, home care.

• 50:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. I was like, and I was not equipped to do this at all. I was, you know, I was terrified of blood.

• 50:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 50:59Speaker 00

  And I.

• 50:59Matt McCusker?

  Death.

• 50:59Speaker 00

  And death. And I was like, this lady, it was her, her son was a manager, like a big time manager in Hollywood.

• 51:05Matt McCusker?

  I would say that makes you good.

• 51:06Speaker 00

  I'm responsible. This lady dies on my thing. I'm, my career is over.

• 51:10Matt McCusker?

  I feel like that's a good candidate though. If you walk in for that job and like, I don't fear death nor blood, I'd be like, yeah.

• 51:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, thanks for your resume, dude. Yeah, yeah. I want a little nervous Nelly in there, dude.

• 51:21Matt McCusker?

  I fear neither death nor blood.

• 51:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:24Matt McCusker?

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• 52:08Matt McCusker?

  Oh, that'd be so fun. I mean, there's NBA, March Madness, UFC 326 Holloway versus Oliveira on March 7th. Wow. My favorite, my favorite PrizePix feature right now? Hmm. Let me think about this. I like how they put their users first. So all withdrawals are fast and secure. PrizePix accepts most major payment methods, making deposits into your account quick and easy this sports season. Download the PrizePix app today and use code DRENCHED to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code DRENCHED to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. PrizePix, it's good to be right.

• 52:47Speaker 05

  What's up, guys? What's going on? I gotta handle some business right now. In terms of the live performances, I got my ticket counts right here. And honestly, we're not looking bad, but I do have to bring some of these shows to people's attention. Also, look at my little boy here. Yeah, he's back in the cone. I hate to see it, but yeah, I mean, I took him to the vet and they, they said my ticket sales were so low in Indianapolis that they were thinking of cutting my dog's head off. And I was like, if I sell some more, would you, would you not cut him up? Would you not cut his head off? And they're like, well, if you can get that thing up to 97% sold, we'll think about it. Otherwise, this cone, it's gonna have blades

• 53:29Speaker 05

  come out of the side and well, cut his fucking head off. So hopefully we can avoid that. But yeah, sorry, I'm like filming at a weird angle. Um, because I took all my clothes off and then remembered I had to film a video. So try my best not to show everybody my penis as I lay here. Poor fucking guy, they're gonna cut his damn head off. Guys, you can catch me in Cleveland, Ohio, uh, the sixth of March. I'll be at the Cleve- I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio, then I'll be in Pittsburgh, PA. Both those sales are looking pretty strong, so we're pretty good there, but yeah, come on out. Uh, what else do we have? St. Louis, Missouri after that, that's, that's in March as well.

• 54:13Speaker 05

  I think the twenty-sixth, I can't re- I'm, I'm looking at my computer sideways. It's kinda tough to really read it. Um, yeah, Indianapolis, that's the big one. That's the one they're gonna, gonna cut this guy's head off of. I don't sell enough tickets, which I sure hope that doesn't happen, but you know, if it does, yeah, I tried my best making this sweet promo. In the arms of the angels. And that'll be, so you like that, don't you?

• 54:50Speaker 05

  Yeah, so after that, we have, this is just late night vibes, guys. If you don't like them, go to bed. After that, we have, what do we have? St. Paul, Missouri, what are the sales looking like? Oh, not bad, alright, that's, that's a wow. Guys, Phoenix, Arizona, I'm doing the Celebrity Theater. Ticket sales are abysmal and the fucking place is huge, guys, come on. I mean, it's not till April twenty-sixth, so I have time, but come on, man. Let's fucking get that up, otherwise they're gonna, uh, I don't really wanna say it around this little poor guy, you see the condition, he's already on the chopping block for, uh, Indianapolis, but man, if I don't sell out the Celebrity Theater, um...

• 55:31Speaker 05

  No, I don't even wanna say what they're gonna do, but

• 55:35Speaker 05

  they're gonna turn them into sausages.

• 55:38Speaker 05

  They're gonna feed them to kids who don't have any food, so. Yeah, we don't want that. Um. They're gonna make dog sausages and give them to poor kids in the third world. Poor little guy. Alright, what else do we have? Yeah, that's pretty much it. Go to mattmccusker.com, please. This, by the way, this isn't supposed to be funny. This is a serious business announcement.

• 56:02Speaker 05

  So, just do it for him. If not for me, do it for this little guy. He's blind.

• 56:10Speaker 05

  And repalled it. Alright, nevermind. Um.

• 56:15Speaker 05

  He's repalled, dude.

• 56:18Matt McCusker?

  Did you see that? Is Netflix has a show now where it's just last words from people, or is that just like a one-off thing? Oh, cuz of Eric Dane? Yeah, did you see that? I saw it last night. I almost watched it, but I was like, I can't go to bed. Dude, I was crying. But my thing is, is that a show now where they're gonna die? I don't know. People give, I think it's a cool show. What do they do? They talk into the camera?

• 56:35Speaker 00

  Dude, he did a whole thing. I thought he just did it.

• 56:38Matt McCusker?

  Oh, wow. Yeah, that's cuz they just said-

• 56:39Speaker 00

  Maybe he just did it and then they like won last deal. They licensed it to Netflix to give a little money to the family or whatever.

• 56:45Matt McCusker?

  That's cool. I didn't know if it was a new show. I was like, that's kind of a sick show idea. Let people who are like about to die, just be like, here's my thoughts on everything.

• 56:52Speaker 00

  Or people that aren't. You're just like, I don't know where I could go, but if I, let me just tell you something right now.

• 56:57Matt McCusker?

  Kinda nice, a little monologue. Yeah, your best monologue. It's, it's a tearjerker. It's like a message to his daughters.

• 57:02Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, it's hard. It's to his daughters.

• 57:03Matt McCusker?

  He's dying. It's very, very sweet. I watched it in the hotel room. I started crying.

• 57:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:07Matt McCusker?

  It was very nice.

• 57:09Speaker 00

  I, it's, I don't know. I mean, we're probably all around the same age. It's pretty, I'm like, damn, dude.

• 57:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 57:15Speaker 00

  These are, this is us.

• 57:17Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 57:18Speaker 00

  You know, it's like, this is, these people are us, dude.

• 57:20Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 57:21Speaker 00

  Should you start recording last words?

• 57:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, jeez.

• 57:24Speaker 00

  Alright, change the, change the color.

• 57:26Matt McCusker?

  I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

• 57:28Speaker 00

  Change the, let's, uh, yeah, yeah, there we go. Alright.

• 57:30Matt McCusker?

  Jesus Christ. No, I said the same thing.

• 57:33Speaker 00

  Talking about Epstein again.

• 57:34Matt McCusker?

  I looked and I was just like, first of all, I'm insecure of the fact that I think I'm gonna start looking just like Epstein pretty soon.

• 57:39Speaker 00

  You can see that?

• 57:40Matt McCusker?

  I've been seeing some pictures of him. I'm like, dude, I'm gonna start looking like him.

• 57:43Speaker 00

  If your hair gets a little wild, dude, and that tan, you gotta get that tan a little more.

• 57:46Matt McCusker?

  I know, man.

• 57:47Speaker 00

  A little more rosacea.

• 57:48Matt McCusker?

  I might get some work done too to bring my chin out like his, but I think I'm gonna work. I'm, that's been, some guy was like, dude, you look just like Jeffrey. And I was like, bro, you hit my most raw nerve right now. I'm really worried I look like Epstein. So.

• 58:00Speaker 00

  I think you're all right. Yeah, you're better looking than him. Yes.

• 58:03Matt McCusker?

  Appreciate that.

• 58:03Speaker 00

  Kinder eyes.

• 58:04Matt McCusker?

  Thank you. He does, he does have scary eyes.

• 58:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I heard he had an egg shaped penis.

• 58:09Speaker 00

  Oh, I heard, yeah.

• 58:10Matt McCusker?

  The deposition, he had an egg shaped penis.

• 58:12Speaker 00

  I feel like every deposition has the person's penis described in it. Like, everyone you hear about, it's like, you're just gonna, well, you know, you heard, what was it?

• 58:21Matt McCusker?

  Trump had, Trump had.

• 58:22Speaker 00

  Trump had his penis described in a deposition. Anyone with like a sexual something has a deposition about their penis.

• 58:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's what, I mean, that's like part of the proof to be like, what kind of dicks he have?

• 58:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, you have to know.

• 58:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 58:33Speaker 00

  And they take it out and they're like, that's it?

• 58:34Matt McCusker?

  You fucked this lady. You definitely fucked this lady.

• 58:37Speaker 00

  Is this the dick in question?

• 58:39Matt McCusker?

  They put a bunch of boners in the police lineup.

• 58:41Speaker 00

  She'd have to blindly feel each one. I'm gonna have to shove this one in my ass to see if it's the real deal, how it really feels. I'm gonna have to really get involved with this one.

• 58:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, Trump had, he apparently had that mushroom tip, like a master, master.

• 58:55Speaker 00

  But that's the other thing. It's like, these guys all have schmeckels. They never have like dongs, dude. They never have units. It's never like, and on top of him being an unbelievable sexual predator.

• 59:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 59:06Speaker 00

  He had a fucking unit.

• 59:08Matt McCusker?

  He had a unit.

• 59:08Speaker 00

  Like a, like a big old unit, dude. He was probably pleasing a lot of these people. You know? Well, I think he can hurt the kids if you have a big one. I guess, yeah. So it was perfect size. That's right. You're gonna do damage. You need a nice. In my defense, your honor, my shit's tiny. So.

• 59:25Matt McCusker?

  He's looking for a one, he's looking for a one car garage.

• 59:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 59:32Speaker 02

  Hearing this makes me grateful about my dick though. I feel like my dick is just a nice, it's not huge, but it's like, it's straight and a nice big-

• 59:40Speaker 00

  Standard issue, pretty.

• 59:41Speaker 02

  That's it.

• 59:41Speaker 00

  Same way.

• 59:43Speaker 02

  It would be, it would be hard to be like, oh, there's a, this wacky thing. Although I do have a bit of a thumbprint because I used to jerk off like this when I was a kid. So there's like a purple-

• 59:53Speaker 00

  Wait, not grip?

• 59:54Speaker 02

  No, when I was, for many years, I jerked off like this.

• 59:57Speaker 00

  Oh, like, don't touch the sides?

• 59:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay. Yeah. So I have, and I went to the sex clinic one time-

• 1:00:03Speaker 00

  Why'd you do that though?

• 1:00:04Speaker 02

  I don't know. That's just like how I started. I just kept going. It's like a batting stance.

• 1:00:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, true.

• 1:00:08Speaker 02

  You're just like, yeah, I don't know. I just felt comfortable.

• 1:00:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, he goes over it. He does the old school windup.

• 1:00:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

• 1:00:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, you gotta learn by yourself.

• 1:00:16Speaker 02

  And I went to a sex clinic because I had herpes, it's a whole thing. But the lady was like, what is, she was like Eastern European. She's like, what is this? Contusion from masturbation? And I had to be like, yes.

• 1:00:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, god damn, you've seen a lot of dicks, lady.

• 1:00:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:31Speaker 00

  Holy cow.

• 1:00:32Matt McCusker?

  How did it, like, why would this make it contusion?

• 1:00:35Speaker 02

  I think because it's a lot of pressure and yeah.

• 1:00:37Speaker 00

  As you're going, as you lose control, you probably lose control of your grip strength. You're like, you're gonna fucking feel this.

• 1:00:43Speaker 02

  It could also be cause causation. Like, it might have been, I started jerking off because it was already there, like a birthmark.

• 1:00:49Speaker 00

  Oh, maybe it felt good. It was like a sensitive spot for you.

• 1:00:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I think it was a contusion from masturbation. I believe.

• 1:00:57Matt McCusker?

  Oh, you thought that was like where, you're like, oh, this is where I jerk off? This is my starting point?

• 1:01:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's my handle. It's the grip.

• 1:01:04Matt McCusker?

  I remember hearing that it curves you if you do one hand over the other. So I like switched up to my left.

• 1:01:09Speaker 00

  Oh, I started doing a Western grip where I would go down, you know? Like, yeah, like down and away, down and away.

• 1:01:16Matt McCusker?

  You still do?

• 1:01:17Speaker 00

  Yeah. No, not anymore. Not anymore. But yeah, when I was trying to switch it up once in a while.

• 1:01:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Western grip's crazy.

• 1:01:25Speaker 02

  I also never had lube. I just, nobody, nobody fucking helped me.

• 1:01:29Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:01:31Speaker 02

  I know. I had no guidance.

• 1:01:33Speaker 00

  I honestly, I think about that with my sons. I'm like, I know that they're, they're definitely doing it, but like, are they doing it right? Maybe they could be contusioning themselves and I, you know, I feel responsible as a parent.

• 1:01:43Matt McCusker?

  Send them to sex clinic. Go get them checked out.

• 1:01:44Speaker 00

  I'm gonna send them the clip of this, we'll clip the, of him and then just go, hey, just so you know, yeah, check this shit out.

• 1:01:50Speaker 02

  We got this and the brother-in-law thing, I think.

• 1:01:54Speaker 02

  Straight to the top.

• 1:01:55Matt McCusker?

  I used to use blueberry hand soap as lubricant and it completely dried my ball sack out to where like the skin was falling off and peeling.

• 1:02:03Speaker 02

  Didn't it burn when it got inside the tip?

• 1:02:05Matt McCusker?

  I don't really recall. I don't think it ever burned me on the tip. I remember this first, my first folly was that the blueberry soap when I was younger, before I started using it to masturbate, I could have sworn the blueberry, well, I thought it tasted good. So there was a part where I was-

• 1:02:19Speaker 02

  You were blowing yourself?

• 1:02:19Matt McCusker?

  No, no, no, no. Yeah, I was, I was actually, I was pretty big when I was eight, but the, no, I remember eating blueberry soap being like, if it smells good, it has to taste good. I pumped blueberry soap in my mouth. I was like, ah, fuck. And then I started using it to jerk off.

• 1:02:34Speaker 02

  Oof.

• 1:02:35Matt McCusker?

  So it, hand soap, no way.

• 1:02:38Speaker 02

  When I first started jerking off, I didn't even jerk off. I just fucked the pillow. Like I would be on the pillow.

• 1:02:44Speaker 00

  And fucked the pillow.

• 1:02:45Speaker 02

  Humping, yeah.

• 1:02:45Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 1:02:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:46Speaker 00

  Fuck the mattress.

• 1:02:47Matt McCusker?

  I, I started masturbating before I could even ejaculate. So I would stand up off the toilet and pee into the bathtub at the end and be like, I'm done.

• 1:02:55Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:02:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:56Speaker 02

  You're a squirter.

• 1:02:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, my mom would be out there.

• 1:03:05Speaker 02

  Oh my God.

• 1:03:07Matt McCusker?

  And then I'd go, oh yeah, baby, come on, yeah.

• 1:03:10Speaker 00

  Gotta work out the legs over here.

• 1:03:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. No, dude, look, look, see how we're, we're fucking flying.

• 1:03:14Speaker 02

  I know, I got sciatica, so I'm switching from side to side, give it a little stretch.

• 1:03:17Matt McCusker?

  If I sit, my sciatica acts up.

• 1:03:19Speaker 02

  Oh, really? I cross my legs like a girl, so it loosens it up, like, you know?

• 1:03:23Speaker 00

  Like this, so it kinda gets it.

• 1:03:24Speaker 02

  Oh, interesting.

• 1:03:25Speaker 00

  You gotta do this shit.

• 1:03:27Speaker 02

  Hip openers.

• 1:03:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, so I loosen up my hips.

• 1:03:29Matt McCusker?

  What do you do on an airplane? How do you get comfortable on an airplane?

• 1:03:32Speaker 00

  They've they moved me up to a middle seat. They upgraded me to a uh I'm I'm the aisle dude. I gotta be in an aisle. I have to be in an aisle. I used to be a a you know.

• 1:03:42Speaker 02

  Window.

• 1:03:42Speaker 00

  Window guy.

• 1:03:43Speaker 02

  Scumbag.

• 1:03:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, but then I now I have to get up. I have to move around. I gotta stretch.

• 1:03:49Speaker 02

  Um, um, yeah, cuz you know.

• 1:03:50Speaker 00

  I'll stretch in the galley.

• 1:03:52Speaker 02

  I'll yeah, I'll go to the bathroom and chat it up.

• 1:03:54Speaker 00

  A little bit.

• 1:03:54Speaker 02

  Walk around.

• 1:03:55Speaker 00

  You did something on a plane. I remember. I never brought this up. I don't think I brought it up with you, but on the way back from Skankfest.

• 1:04:02Speaker 02

  Masturbated.

• 1:04:02Speaker 00

  No, he was in you were I was in Comfort Plus. You were in first class and you went to the bathroom with your shoes off. And I honestly was like that. Yeah, I was like disgusted by that. I was.

• 1:04:14Speaker 02

  Well, I had socks on.

• 1:04:15Speaker 00

  You did have your socks on, but still I was like, what? And I remember I'm like, I gotta bring this up to Joe next time. And I'm glad we're in this forum right now. That I can finally debate you on whether or not it is the most gross thing to go to the bathroom. This is like.

• 1:04:28Speaker 02

  Put a full Westboro on it.

• 1:04:29Speaker 00

  This is three hours. Yeah, let's do something right now.

• 1:04:32Speaker 02

  Well, I've had other people bring this up and sometimes we all.

• 1:04:35Speaker 00

  Believe it, Joe.

• 1:04:36Speaker 02

  We all do things that are gross that we don't think of as being gross.

• 1:04:40Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:04:40Speaker 02

  Every once in a while, I mean, this.

• 1:04:42Speaker 00

  But I'm here to tell you.

• 1:04:43Speaker 02

  This this backhand grip jerk off.

• 1:04:45Speaker 00

  Western grip is not gross.

• 1:04:47Speaker 02

  Saying things I've never heard.

• 1:04:48Speaker 00

  Beautiful. It's beautiful. Okay.

• 1:04:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, I like to take my shoe. First of all, it's like a cross country flight. It was like a six hour flight.

• 1:04:55Speaker 00

  Shoes off.

• 1:04:55Speaker 02

  So I gotta go shoes off.

• 1:04:57Speaker 00

  Great. Don't mind me.

• 1:04:58Speaker 02

  Feet, clean socks.

• 1:04:58Matt McCusker?

  Is that for circulation? Like, what is it? Just just coffee?

• 1:05:01Speaker 02

  Comfort.

• 1:05:02Speaker 00

  Comfort.

• 1:05:02Speaker 02

  Shoes and then you kind of swell on a plane a little bit.

• 1:05:05Speaker 00

  Like these, I would easily take off and leave them.

• 1:05:07Speaker 02

  Slip them off. And then it's like you gotta put bend up putting your shoes on. Of course, I was in first class, as you heard, but it's it's hard to get in the room and you gotta put them all the way back. And what so what's the worst case scenario? I get some piss in my sock?

• 1:05:19Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:05:21Speaker 02

  I've had piss all over my socks.

• 1:05:22Speaker 00

  But then you gotta go put them back in your shoe and then you go home. You take your shoes off. You're walking around your house in your socks and you got piss foot all over the house now.

• 1:05:30Speaker 02

  This is the thing. People I look like I'm like presenting as. I have the look of like a germ guy, but I don't I don't care about germs.

• 1:05:39Speaker 00

  That's what shocked me about the situation, Joe.

• 1:05:42Matt McCusker?

  I don't care about germs.

• 1:05:43Speaker 00

  I would have thought if they said like Joe's gonna get up and go to the bathroom. Is he gonna put his shoes on or is he gonna go, I would have bet my entire house that you would have put your shoes on and gone to the bathroom.

• 1:05:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:53Matt McCusker?

  On the floor.

• 1:05:53Speaker 02

  See, I have, I have OCD that makes me wanna punch people while I'm walking by them. I don't wash my hands.

• 1:05:58Speaker 00

  I guess.

• 1:05:59Speaker 02

  I mean, I wash my hands for shit.

• 1:06:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:00Speaker 02

  But like, I'll get off the subway and go eat a cheeseburger and not really think much of it.

• 1:06:04Speaker 00

  Play basketball and then go out and eat pizza.

• 1:06:06Speaker 02

  Yeah. Cause I'm not a fucking nerd. Piss on the socks is like, hey.

• 1:06:11Speaker 00

  I know, I just was really, what's your?

• 1:06:14Matt McCusker?

  Without reusing it, I got shit for reusing a tissue where I like blew my nose and put it in my pocket for later. If I could use it again.

• 1:06:19Speaker 00

  Oh, that's not gross.

• 1:06:21Matt McCusker?

  I had someone like, what the fuck are you doing? So.

• 1:06:24Speaker 02

  How do you feel about the socks in the bathroom?

• 1:06:25Speaker 00

  If you pissed on your own.

• 1:06:26Matt McCusker?

  Totally unaffected.

• 1:06:27Speaker 00

  You would.

• 1:06:27Matt McCusker?

  I, in the middle of the night.

• 1:06:28Speaker 00

  You would do that?

• 1:06:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it wouldn't bother me. But the, yeah, that wouldn't, pee, pee, I have zero fear of pee, by the way.

• 1:06:34Speaker 00

  I'm also thinking of snot, cum, whatever else people are doing. I know people that jerk off on planes. You're not getting in that little toilet.

• 1:06:40Matt McCusker?

  I'm, both of us are guilty of it.

• 1:06:42Speaker 00

  You've never jerked off on a plane?

• 1:06:43Speaker 02

  I have.

• 1:06:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:45Speaker 00

  I wanted to be the last one to say it, though.

• 1:06:47Speaker 02

  Well, do you wanna hear the story?

• 1:06:49Matt McCusker?

  I don't know, in a good faith that people jerk off on those things.

• 1:06:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've heard under, yeah.

• 1:06:53Speaker 02

  I have a, I have a story about jerking off on a plane. I've told this on podcasts, but I was, I went in and jerked off. I just, you know, it was whatever. I was horny and young and ambitious.

• 1:07:03Matt McCusker?

  You were swollen, you were up in the air.

• 1:07:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I had, I went and jerked off and I swear to God, this is true. I came out of the bathroom. I just finished jerking off and you gotta jerk off fast enough that it could be a shit.

• 1:07:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:13Speaker 02

  So I come out and the flight attendant, I swear to God, she goes, hey, what were you doing in there?

• 1:07:17Speaker 00

  No way.

• 1:07:18Speaker 02

  And I was like, what?

• 1:07:19Speaker 00

  What?

• 1:07:20Speaker 02

  And she's like, you didn't see the sign? And it was like an out of order and somehow I missed it.

• 1:07:24Speaker 00

  Oh my.

• 1:07:25Speaker 02

  So I went in there and I was in there for like a length of time.

• 1:07:27Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 1:07:29Speaker 02

  God, she went and looked at the toilet.

• 1:07:31Speaker 00

  Cause it's not working.

• 1:07:32Speaker 02

  Cause it's not working.

• 1:07:33Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:07:33Speaker 02

  And there was nothing in there, but I had been in there for like four minutes.

• 1:07:36Speaker 00

  The cum in the?

• 1:07:37Speaker 02

  In the trash. Like I did a tissue and then put it in the trash. But it was like the most my heart has ever raced.

• 1:07:43Speaker 00

  You gotta be like plucking my eyebrows.

• 1:07:46Speaker 02

  It's like, what are you doing?

• 1:07:48Speaker 00

  Bleaching my asshole. Like, oh my God.

• 1:07:51Matt McCusker?

  She's like, I tried. Trying to get proof it wouldn't come out.

• 1:07:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, and it was like early on the flight. Yeah.

• 1:07:56Speaker 00

  At least you didn't answer right away. Like I was using the restroom, going to the bathroom number two. And she's like, how could you? It's out of, oh my.

• 1:08:02Speaker 02

  Or I could have been like, I jerked off.

• 1:08:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:05Matt McCusker?

  I was looking at you. It's not illegal, by the way.

• 1:08:06Speaker 02

  No, it was horrible. And another time after Last Comic Standing, 2010, I jerked off and that came out and Mike Vecchione was the guy waiting. So I was uncomfortable. I was like, oh, hey. So that was, it was like all of us on a flight.

• 1:08:19Matt McCusker?

  He sat down on an ice cold.

• 1:08:21Speaker 00

  And he knew, dude.

• 1:08:22Speaker 02

  He know, he knew.

• 1:08:24Matt McCusker?

  He's probably gonna next.

• 1:08:25Speaker 00

  So.

• 1:08:25Speaker 02

  Damn, dude. That's cold. But in your twenties, early thirties, I mean, I just have to jerk off.

• 1:08:30Speaker 00

  Well, then, great. You're proving my point, going back to my original argument, that you should not be walking into the bathroom with socks on.

• 1:08:36Speaker 02

  But I don't come on the floor.

• 1:08:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:39Matt McCusker?

  I do. I do.

• 1:08:41Speaker 00

  I go Western grip. I'm going down there, splattering everywhere, man. You know?

• 1:08:46Speaker 02

  Fucking Hawaii.

• 1:08:46Speaker 00

  Turbulence, you're gonna be out of control. We're in a chaotic environment.

• 1:08:51Matt McCusker?

  I need the turbulence to come. I can't.

• 1:08:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, give me a little bounce, a little shake to get my prostate.

• 1:08:55Speaker 02

  That's a little nerve.

• 1:08:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, give me a full, full jerk.

• 1:08:59Matt McCusker?

  Well, I also just learned on the plane that like they can't stop you from going to the bathroom at any time. So like.

• 1:09:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, what do you mean they can't? They tell, like, when you're landing and taking off.

• 1:09:06Matt McCusker?

  You can, you can get up. They can't stop you from, they can just suggest that you don't get up. But if you gotta pee, you can pee no matter what.

• 1:09:12Speaker 00

  Oh, really? I've had people be like, we're gonna turn the plane around if you, I'm not turning the plane around. No, no, no.

• 1:09:18Matt McCusker?

  I mean, like pilots.

• 1:09:21Matt McCusker?

  Pilots are gonna reach back and hit you.

• 1:09:22Speaker 00

  I'll tell you what, I'll fucking turn this thing around. Everybody sit down. I told you to hold it. Listen. No, when you get up and when they're taxiing out, right? When they're going like, we're going to the runway. If you get up and go to the bathroom, they'll be like, well, they'll, we're gonna pull off to the side.

• 1:09:37Matt McCusker?

  They just passive aggressively like, please, as a reminder to sit down.

• 1:09:40Speaker 00

  Oh, really?

• 1:09:41Matt McCusker?

  Maybe if you're taxi, before takeoff.

• 1:09:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think like before they're gonna take off, they will pull off to the side of the road.

• 1:09:46Matt McCusker?

  True. Once you take off, though.

• 1:09:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:48Matt McCusker?

  Literally whatever you want.

• 1:09:49Speaker 02

  But it would be hard to prove it. Like, I'm sure the, the pilots have orders to like, hey, don't. But no one's like fucking looking in.

• 1:09:58Speaker 00

  I hope you're just looking forward. You're not like, you know, all looking in the rearview mirror. But yeah, they, I guess they're supposed to not take off if everyone's not seeing.

• 1:10:06Matt McCusker?

  True. Yeah. But once they're up, my boy, I thought you had to wait for the thing to go ding. And then you can get up and go to the bathroom. You can just, as soon as you're in the air, you can just get up and go to the bathroom. And the flight attendants will be like, kind of look at you and you're like, I have to go.

• 1:10:15Speaker 02

  I've seen, oh, go ahead. No, I've seen an old man like run as soon as it took, like we were totally ascending and he like went running up. And I'd felt like everyone was like, this is, this guy's going to shit his pants. He's old. But I saw the flight attendant who was still buckled in be like, oh, sir. And then they just let it go. Yeah. They can't fucking.

• 1:10:34Speaker 00

  I thought about it. I threw up. I was, I felt sick one time. I was like, oh, we're gonna, and it was, you know, still seatbelts buckled. And I threw up into the bag into my own little like, you know, personal bag rather than getting up and going to the bathroom. Cause I was like, I don't want to get in trouble.

• 1:10:48Matt McCusker?

  It's also a small bag.

• 1:10:49Speaker 00

  If they stop me, I'm gonna barf on them.

• 1:10:50Matt McCusker?

  Was it like the paper bag?

• 1:10:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was, it was the vomit bag.

• 1:10:53Matt McCusker?

  It's pretty small for vomiting.

• 1:10:54Speaker 00

  It really, I knew I wasn't giving like a huge, I knew, I had eaten like a fucking lemonade. It was like a 6 a.m. in the morning flight. It was like gurgling around my stomach. I drank a lemonade.

• 1:11:05Speaker 00

  Quote unquote.

• 1:11:06Speaker 02

  You had a little kipiss for breakfast.

• 1:11:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little croissant and lemonade. And I barfed it up on the fucking, on the, I don't know, it just didn't sit right.

• 1:11:15Matt McCusker?

  Damn.

• 1:11:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it was like on the takeoff on the way up. And I'm like, I want to run to the bathroom and just do it there.

• 1:11:20Matt McCusker?

  But you can't. Now you know.

• 1:11:21Speaker 00

  I, now I know. Yeah. I didn't do it. Cause I was like, I thought they were going to arrest me.

• 1:11:24Matt McCusker?

  Especially with little kids. I have little kids and they're like, I gotta pee now. I'm like, fuck. Cause they have like a two minute time window.

• 1:11:29Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 1:11:30Matt McCusker?

  So I'll just take them there. And they're like, sir. And it's like, hey.

• 1:11:32Speaker 00

  Hey.

• 1:11:33Matt McCusker?

  Come on.

• 1:11:33Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 1:11:34Speaker 02

  Were you traveling a lot when you potty trained? Cause it feels like that's going to be hard.

• 1:11:37Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:11:38Speaker 02

  You gotta potty train and then you're like.

• 1:11:40Matt McCusker?

  Huge, huge setback too. Cause we, uh, my, my oldest kid was potty trained pretty much. And then we went to the airport and that automatic flusher was just like. And then it just, it like reverted her all the way back.

• 1:11:51Speaker 00

  We potty trained in like a, like a week or two at my house. Like we had a week or two off. It was like, I remember we just did it like, you walked around and just, he just would wear no diapers or whatever.

• 1:12:01Matt McCusker?

  That's what they say. Yeah.

• 1:12:02Speaker 00

  And then just like, when you gotta go, sometimes there were accidents like a dog, but you know, like most times they make it to the toilet and then that was it. But.

• 1:12:08Speaker 02

  Cause my son's nine and we just cannot figure it out.

• 1:12:11Speaker 00

  You're like, I can't get it together. We can't find the time.

• 1:12:14Speaker 02

  He's a mess. It's.

• 1:12:16Speaker 00

  Daddy's on the road. I don't have time to teach you this.

• 1:12:17Matt McCusker?

  We, I remember hearing about that. Like, oh, my wife would always be like, we can just spend the whole weekend. We'll stay here.

• 1:12:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:22Matt McCusker?

  Take their.

• 1:12:22Speaker 00

  That's what my wife did.

• 1:12:24Matt McCusker?

  I'm never gonna do, we're not doing that.

• 1:12:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, we did that. It was great. It worked out. My second son, not so much. He would just.

• 1:12:29Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 1:12:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was like a month and a half of him being like, I shit in my pants. And you're like, you, you did it on purpose.

• 1:12:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, boys are harder to potty train from what I heard.

• 1:12:37Speaker 00

  Cause they're lazy, dude.

• 1:12:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:38Speaker 00

  My son was like, why am I gonna get up?

• 1:12:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, why do I care?

• 1:12:41Speaker 00

  I'll just shit in this diaper that you gave me.

• 1:12:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then you'll wipe my ass.

• 1:12:45Speaker 00

  And then you're gonna wipe my ass. And like, really, I'm gonna keep that going till like.

• 1:12:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:49Speaker 00

  It gets, becomes a huge problem.

• 1:12:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, letting, letting your kid wipe their own ass is like, I'm still, I'm my, I have like three and a five year old. I'm still like, are you sure you did that right? Like he's.

• 1:12:58Speaker 00

  I never went, it was like, here's how you do it, or any of that stuff. I was just assuming like, no rash is coming back my way, no problems being sent up the chain. You know, like that way I just know.

• 1:13:08Matt McCusker?

  That's what happened to me. But my ass was a disaster until I was like thirty.

• 1:13:11Speaker 00

  They'll come to me.

• 1:13:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I had no idea. No one ever taught me. So I like, actually have been teaching my kids, like you just wipe. And then when you don't see any more paper, you don't see anything else on the paper, just do it one more time to see. No one taught me how to wipe my ass.

• 1:13:21Speaker 00

  No, no one ever does.

• 1:13:22Matt McCusker?

  My wife taught me how to clean my ass in the shower with a rag. Cause I used to, I used to just lean forward and kinda like.

• 1:13:29Speaker 02

  Still doing that.

• 1:13:30Speaker 00

  Wait, that's how I do it. Yeah.

• 1:13:31Speaker 02

  I spread the cheeks and I let it get in there. If I don't have a removable shower head, my asshole is never properly cleaned.

• 1:13:36Matt McCusker?

  I, I, I was just completely, it was disgusting. And then one day she's like, you gotta actually like wipe. So I got a rag and I wiped in the shower and I was, it was just disgusting. She's like, let me see it. I was like, dude.

• 1:13:48Speaker 00

  Let me see it.

• 1:13:49Matt McCusker?

  She wanted to make sure I did a good job.

• 1:13:51Speaker 00

  Wow, God almighty.

• 1:13:53Matt McCusker?

  She still will get me with that every now and again. I'll be in the shower and I'll wipe my ass with a rag and she'll just like peer over. We have like a little half ball. She'll peer over. I'm like, bro, relax, man.

• 1:14:00Speaker 00

  Damn.

• 1:14:00Matt McCusker?

  You don't wanna see this.

• 1:14:01Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:14:02Matt McCusker?

  It's kind of fucked up. Yeah.

• 1:14:03Speaker 02

  That's so sweet. You guys are showering together.

• 1:14:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:06Matt McCusker?

  Well, she'll see me. She brushes her teeth right next to where I shower. So.

• 1:14:09Speaker 00

  I die, well, I go in the bathroom with my wife in the morning when she's showering every day.

• 1:14:13Matt McCusker?

  Do you?

• 1:14:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's like my favorite, it's the best part of the day.

• 1:14:16Matt McCusker?

  What do you do? Just go up there and fire up?

• 1:14:18Speaker 00

  I creep. I fucking, I, I toilet nomer. I just sit there on the toilet. I just sit there.

• 1:14:23Matt McCusker?

  I had a joke about this years ago where like when my wife showers, I love to be like, but never once has she been like, let me get some of that.

• 1:14:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, no, there's no reciprocation at all. No, I come out of like, I'm like a naked person. I'll walk around naked. She's like, puts a robe on right away. But like, I'll shower, I'll walk, she'll be in the bedroom. I'll walk past her like naked, like fucking, she just won't even get off, she won't even look off the phone. And I'm like, this is, I'm presenting right now. I'm cocking. You know who would be excited by that? A kid. A kid. Pedonic treadmill. You gotta, you gotta keep upping it.

• 1:15:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, the.

• 1:15:02Speaker 00

  I don't feel that way.

• 1:15:06Matt McCusker?

  Have you ever confronted your wife for her phone usage? Been like, you use it too much?

• 1:15:10Speaker 00

  Passive aggressively, yeah.

• 1:15:11Matt McCusker?

  I do it all the time. Yeah. Doesn't get a good reaction. Yeah. I go, please put that thing down and just hang out with us. Oh, they don't like that.

• 1:15:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, because you're like, because she's mostly in charge of everything that goes on in the house. So it's almost like, you're like, you're gonna take, you're like, you're taking a break? What are you, you don't have time, time to lean, no time to clean? Like, what are you doing right now? Get off that phone. Even if it's just hanging out with us. That's like, yep, laborious to her. You know, like, she's like, God almighty. You know what that word means, Joe? No, but I was, I could, you clocked that. I was like, huh. I don't appreciate being called out.

• 1:15:49Matt McCusker?

  You know laborious?

• 1:15:51Speaker 00

  Laborious.

• 1:15:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, break it down.

• 1:15:52Speaker 00

  Boring. No.

• 1:15:53Matt McCusker?

  Labor.

• 1:15:54Speaker 00

  Labor. Labor. It's like work. If I saw the spelling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like work for her to hang out with us. I see. It's not, it's not fun for her to hang out with us. Of course. It's like, yeah.

• 1:16:04Matt McCusker?

  It's boys, it's boy time.

• 1:16:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, but like, she, yeah.

• 1:16:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:07Speaker 00

  She might ever be on the phone. But they don't like it.

• 1:16:10Matt McCusker?

  No, I, at least I have to, I'll fake shit. I'll go, I'll take a shit and just like a job. And I'll go on my phone.

• 1:16:15Speaker 00

  Yeah. Sarah's phone? Yeah. But she has to. She, like, she could be like, I'm working or doing something. I mean, she could say that, but yeah, it's a lot of, I mean, we have the same job.

• 1:16:28Speaker 00

  That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, she's on her phone a lot, but you know, I get it. It's especially now with the two year old. It's like when you, sometimes you, if they go nap or they go, you just want like some kind of like, Yep. Whatever.

• 1:16:39Matt McCusker?

  Have you ever gotten a communication via an Instagram reel from your wife where it's like, here's something I'd like you to kind of focus on or work on?

• 1:16:46Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yes. Those, that's the most passive aggressive way you can tell someone that you're not as good as they want you to be, you know? They're just like, here's a reel about like, like I'll get reels about like, like what you're supposed to say after a game.

• 1:17:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:02Speaker 00

  You know, like, cause sometimes I'm just a little bit like, hey dude, like where, where were you today? You know, what was going on today?

• 1:17:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:08Speaker 00

  She's just like, you know, I'll, then I'll get a video. It's like, it'll be like the music from Moneyball.

• 1:17:15Speaker 00

  The dad's just like, listen, son, you're the greatest it's ever been. And I'm like, I understand the point, but like, you can't, you know, I'm not perfect.

• 1:17:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. No, I know. I, I'll get them every now and again where it's like, it'll be like a lady like, my anxiety spikes when I see coffee cups on the counter, blah, blah, blah, and like a deep explanation of it. I'm like, God, I'll fucking put my cup in the sink. You could have.

• 1:17:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, I would rather you just communicate that.

• 1:17:37Matt McCusker?

  Nah, she, she says it to me. I'm like, oh my God, shut up, dude.

• 1:17:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's a good point.

• 1:17:41Speaker 00

  I've been, I had karma backfire. I, we would, we've been sending videos of people falling all winter long because New York, we've had like the worst winter. So it's like just video after video of people falling and laughing and like the great, and then the other day I'm at the gas station, just pulled in with her car to fill it up, like a nice husband, get out of the ga, and like not even thinking, dude. It's not snowing. It's barely cold. I put my feet down on the ground and it just, my feet go out from underneath me and I'm like, and I'm just, I'm every, while I'm like sideways, every video that I've watched and laughed at is going through my fucking head and the, and people, I hit the ground so hard.

• 1:18:23Speaker 00

  I was like, oh, and the fucking guy comes out. He's like, are you all right? Are you all right? And the lady over here, she's still pumping her gas. She goes, he's all right. He didn't hit his head or anything like that. She's answering for me. I'm on the ground, dude. I'm like, and I'm thinking to myself, I'm like, dude, I haven't fallen. Like I went to the doctor in January. My doctor's like, he's going over all stuff. He goes, hey, have you fallen recently? And I was like, what? No, dude. Like, I'm not a fucking loser. What are you talking about? Who falls? Like, I'm not 11. And then I thought about it. I'm like, I, this is what he's like, I'm the age of falling now. Like, just random falling. And it fucking killed.

• 1:18:59Matt McCusker?

  I feel like if you're, if you're an adult and you fall, you should have to go to jail for like two hours.

• 1:19:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:19:04Matt McCusker?

  Just for two hours. Just like, cool down. I don't know what it is, but like, I fell the other night. I was naked, coming from the bathroom back to my bed. It was dark and I tripped over a suitcase and just flat onto my belly.

• 1:19:16Speaker 00

  All the way to the ground, naked?

• 1:19:18Matt McCusker?

  All the way to the ground and laid there. And I was like, I shouldn't be in society right now.

• 1:19:21Speaker 00

  Oh, my God. Naked?

• 1:19:23Matt McCusker?

  I should be taken from society for like, a day.

• 1:19:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:19:25Matt McCusker?

  It was humiliating.

• 1:19:26Speaker 00

  That is humiliating.

• 1:19:27Matt McCusker?

  Hit my toe. It was like, fuuuck!

• 1:19:30Speaker 00

  Stubbing your toe, but then losing all of it and going all the way, like, your dick hit the ground.

• 1:19:34Matt McCusker?

  In the dark.

• 1:19:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, you could squish your dick on the ground.

• 1:19:37Matt McCusker?

  Mine was alright. Mine was, it was hanging. It was like, it was like Mission Impossible.

• 1:19:42Speaker 00

  Wow. That's crazy, dude.

• 1:19:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, but you have so many thoughts as you're going to the ground. Like, I'm one of these, and I know this is on video. We're at a gas station.

• 1:19:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:53Speaker 00

  We're at a gas station.

• 1:19:54Matt McCusker?

  La Mer has a nasty spill. It's on camera.

• 1:19:56Speaker 00

  Oh, really?

• 1:19:57Matt McCusker?

  It might be.

• 1:19:58Speaker 00

  Was it a slip and fall, La Mer?

• 1:20:00Matt McCusker?

  It was a drunk, it was more of a brusque tumble.

• 1:20:03Speaker 00

  Damn.

• 1:20:03Matt McCusker?

  It was a drunk fall.

• 1:20:05Speaker 00

  Damn, dude.

• 1:20:06Matt McCusker?

  It was.

• 1:20:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, it's painful for the ego. It's painful. Like, my hip is killing me.

• 1:20:10Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:11Speaker 00

  I landed on my hip.

• 1:20:11Matt McCusker?

  My men sucks. That, that hurts.

• 1:20:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, hard.

• 1:20:14Matt McCusker?

  Did you, no, did you go home and tell your wife about it?

• 1:20:17Speaker 00

  Oh, right away.

• 1:20:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:18Speaker 00

  Cause I'm like, I gotta tell her before. Like, this could be America's Funniest Home Videos on Sunday, for all I know. You know, like, I gotta go to her, no, I can't be the last person to let her know that this could, this happened. And plus, I love to complain. I'm like, you're never gonna, cause right away, I turned to that guy. I'm like, you gotta ice this, man. I mean, you gotta salt this area, dude. Are you crazy?

• 1:20:36Matt McCusker?

  Of course.

• 1:20:37Speaker 00

  What if I was an old lady?

• 1:20:38Matt McCusker?

  I could have fucked it up.

• 1:20:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm like... You broke my streak today, dude. I haven't fallen in 11 years. Now I'm in my head about falling.

• 1:20:45Matt McCusker?

  Oh, it's coming for you. We got, we got it. Yeah.

• 1:20:47Speaker 00

  I'm telling you, Joe, I don't know. I mean. Walking around the streets in New York, how do you not like slip and fall all the time?

• 1:20:52Speaker 02

  Well, I had a horrible incident years ago. The movie Gone Girl came out. I don't know what year that was. Maybe it was 10 years ago or something like that. And my wife and I went and started like, it was like the first night. We both had read the book and loved it. So we were like, all right, here we go. And it was sold out. It was like when movies would sell out. And I went to piss or whatever. And we were sitting in the middle and I was coming back in. And somehow I just tripped on someone's foot or leg and I couldn't recover. And I touched every single part. I was like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Like I was full Kramer. Like I spun and then tripped over the next person. And I just, and everyone was like, oh, oh, go. And I finally like rolled into my seat. Like you couldn't have blocked it out better for a movie.

• 1:21:31Speaker 00

  It's like impromptu parkour. You're like, all of a sudden you're like finding the, I'll find the next step when I have to.

• 1:21:36Speaker 02

  It was horrible. And like you could hear the buzz like down the road being like, this motherfucker. And my wife was like dying laughing. She's still, it's like the funniest thing ever to her, but it was humiliating. I stepped on every foot, touched every fucking dick. It was crazy.

• 1:21:52Speaker 00

  My aunt was on riding the city bus one time. She's a big lady and she's not, she's not like, uh, she's not confrontational at all, but she was standing up, the bus driver, she goes, the bus driver took off way before. And she fell on this black lady and just sat there and she goes, and she stayed. She was so embarrassed. She just laid there. She didn't try to get up. She just laid to the next stop. And the lady's like, you gotta get off of me. What is wrong with you? And she's trying to push my aunt. And my aunt's like this, I can't yet. I have to wait till the bus stops, dude. She just continued to lay on this woman. Personal space, not an issue.

• 1:22:24Matt McCusker?

  That's so fucking funny.

• 1:22:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:22:26Matt McCusker?

  Of all the people to land on, dude, this is just.

• 1:22:27Speaker 00

  Just this woman is like, she was like, you gotta get up. And she's like, I can't. I have to wait till the bus stops. Like a weebowobble. She's just laying on the fucking lady's lap. Dude.

• 1:22:38Matt McCusker?

  It's just that black lady going into work and be like, you won't believe this. White lady was laying.

• 1:22:43Speaker 00

  I know.

• 1:22:43Matt McCusker?

  Goddamn, white lady thought you could sit on me?

• 1:22:48Matt McCusker?

  Oh dude, here's La Mer. Good job, guys. Here we go. Oh, there's Gardini coming in. Oh no, someone had a little edit. Oh, this is you, Gardini.

• 1:23:03Speaker 00

  Yo. Oh. Whoa.

• 1:23:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, he owned it. Nice job, Lemare. Way to own that. That's a 10.0 for the dismount right there.

• 1:23:22Speaker 02

  Great edits.

• 1:23:23Matt McCusker?

  What an edit.

• 1:23:23Speaker 00

  Way to stick the landing on that one. Beautiful.

• 1:23:25Matt McCusker?

  God damn it, Gardini.

• 1:23:27Speaker 02

  That was good stuff.

• 1:23:27Speaker 00

  Yep. Nice job, dude. No ice, just tripped over your own fucking feet. Nothing to blame.

• 1:23:32Matt McCusker?

  I was there for like a week.

• 1:23:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, dude, I'm telling you.

• 1:23:36Matt McCusker?

  There was also like a little, you did like a little hop up the curb, which is the best part. He did a little like, and then just completely.

• 1:23:42Speaker 00

  Like, I got this shimmy shake and then boom, straight to the ground.

• 1:23:46Speaker 02

  Well, that's the problem with the future. There's no falling anonymously.

• 1:23:49Speaker 00

  No, that's what I'm saying.

• 1:23:50Speaker 02

  Anything that happens is.

• 1:23:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. True. Everything, we're, we're living in a panopticon. That's the term for that.

• 1:23:57Speaker 00

  What is it called?

• 1:23:57Matt McCusker?

  Panopticon.

• 1:23:58Speaker 02

  I find it laborious.

• 1:24:01Speaker 00

  It's not easy.

• 1:24:04Speaker 02

  It's work.

• 1:24:05Matt McCusker?

  Well, goddamn, dude. I think, I think we did it, man. You guys, thank you so much for doing it.

• 1:24:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, no worries. This is great, dude. Had a blast.

• 1:24:12Speaker 02

  I mean, my legs hurt.

• 1:24:13Speaker 00

  I know. I can't wait to sit down.

• 1:24:15Matt McCusker?

  Hey, man.

• 1:24:16Speaker 00

  Go take a nap.

• 1:24:17Matt McCusker?

  We do it different down here.

• 1:24:18Speaker 00

  This is beautiful, though. Do you give this away? Like?

• 1:24:21Matt McCusker?

  You can have it. Yeah, if you want to.

• 1:24:25Matt McCusker?

  I'll get another reprint.

• 1:24:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, why not?

• 1:24:27Speaker 02

  Is this a famous painting?

• 1:24:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's, yeah, it's one of them.

• 1:24:32Matt McCusker?

  I don't know anything about art. I just wanted like the weirdest.

• 1:24:35Speaker 00

  Classy?

• 1:24:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, like that's.

• 1:24:36Speaker 00

  That's Jesus, I think.

• 1:24:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's a, that's a, yeah, a dark rainbow. That one, I like that kind of stuff. So.

• 1:24:43Speaker 00

  What's the Sisyphee Chapel?

• 1:24:44Matt McCusker?

  You know, I don't know shit about art. I don't know. Something.

• 1:24:48Speaker 00

  There's a lot of naked kids in this fucking one back here.

• 1:24:53Speaker 00

  Saying dude.

• 1:24:54Matt McCusker?

  They're all the rage right now.

• 1:24:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, why not?

• 1:24:56Matt McCusker?

  I'm trying to keep up with, you know, the biz.

• 1:25:00Speaker 00

  I think we solved a lot of issues.

• 1:25:01Speaker 02

  Oh, are we still on?

• 1:25:02Matt McCusker?

  No, yeah.

• 1:25:03Speaker 02

  I'm not looking at my phone.

• 1:25:04Matt McCusker?

  What do you guys have anything you want to promote?

• 1:25:06Speaker 00

  Oh, uh, yeah, steveranizeasy.com, stand up dates. I'll be in, uh, I'm going to, um, Key West Comedy Club in April. I'll be in, uh, Backroom Comedy Club in Toronto next month. Yeah, check it out. Yeah.

• 1:25:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm doing a big, uh, UK, Ireland thing. Belfast, Dublin, London, adding a show, uh, Glasgow and Bristol.

• 1:25:27Speaker 00

  Hell yeah.

• 1:25:27Speaker 02

  Bristol?

• 1:25:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. Connecticut?

• 1:25:29Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:25:30Matt McCusker?

  Pennsylvania.

• 1:25:32Speaker 00

  Dublin, Ireland and Bristol, Connecticut.

• 1:25:34Speaker 02

  Glasgow, Bristol, Connecticut. Weird routing, but yeah, and, uh, I don't know. Yeah. Punchuplive.com. You talked about, I got a movie on there, all that stuff. Specials on YouTube.

• 1:25:43Speaker 00

  Fourth of July is great. You should see that.

• 1:25:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, thank you.

• 1:25:45Matt McCusker?

  Keep it up.

• 1:25:46Speaker 02

  All right.

• 1:25:47Matt McCusker?

  Thank you, guys.

• 1:25:48Speaker 00

  Awesome.

• 1:25:49Matt McCusker?

  Great.

• 1:25:51Matt McCusker?

  Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.

• 1:25:55Speaker 00

  Do it.