163: ⁠The Psychology Behind Black-and-White Thinking

Do you ever think, "If they don't text back, they're not interested"? Or assume one awkward moment means you have no chemistry? Your brain might be sabotaging your love life with faulty logic. In Part 3 of our 5-part series, we're diving into the meat and potatoes of self-sabotage: the thinking errors that turn normal dating situations into full-blown crises. Today, we're breaking down the three main culprits—Black & White Thinking, Catastrophizing, and Mental Filtering—and why your brain uses these outdated shortcuts. I’ll even share a wild personal story (my "Prison Bae" saga) that perfectly illustrates how we create fantasies to escape our pain.$300 off your first Prenuvo scan at https://prenuvo.com/?discount=SABRINAStuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Enrollment for The Self Love Course, The Nervous System Course, and The Break Up Course is now closed. For your continued education and growth, please explore The Foundation Course, which is currently available. Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces. So I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 1:00Sabrina Zohar?

  Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi friends, welcome back. Happy Friday. I'm so excited. We're back for part three of the five part series. Remember it was going to be four parts, then we made it five. Whoop whoop. And so today, I'm really excited because we talked about last week, the stories you create, right? We had the core beliefs, then we went to the stories you create. And today we're going into what causes you to create that, right? What's happening in your brain? What's going on? Catastrophizing, black and white thinking. Oh, I'm so excited. It's the meat and potatoes of a lot of the work that we talk about, you guys. So these are really building blocks. And so if you haven't listened to all the episodes, feel free, you can go out of order, but they do kind of build on. So feel free to chuck it back a couple more and start to catch up.

• 1:44Sabrina Zohar?

  Guys, as always, thank you so much for everything, for always showing up authentically and allowing me to show up in my way as well. Please don't forget to rate and review the show, leave a comment. It doesn't matter, even if you just leave a heart on an episode. Let me know where you're fucking tuning in from. Give me some feedback. I am always here, always available and just grateful. Thank you guys as always. And if you need anything, everything is linked in bio. You have a work with me one on one, join a course, you can ask a question, whatever you guys need, everything is there. And if not, thank you for just being here and listening along. All right, babies. Without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Oh, hi, friends. It's good to see you guys. Ah, we have another Friday together, and I'm really loving the series, and I would love to know if you guys do too. And if you're like, get fucked, I don't care about them, that's cool, too.

• 2:26Sabrina Zohar?

  But it's so funny, right before I came on, someone said, could you please do more things on being single? I don't even have a partner yet, so why would I listen? And I was like, oh, that's a bummer. I was like, because I was hoping that a lot of these episodes were going to get you ready for what's to come. And if you're in a relationship and you're like, man, I kind of want to date myself, I was hoping that maybe we'd go back to that, too. But I'm hearing you. I'm listening. I hear you. But I am trying to evolve, right? And so I get it. If some of the episodes just aren't for you, that's okay. But I do hope that you guys will love them regardless, even if it doesn't directly impact you in that moment, that there's always so many nuggets and things that you can take away and that you can come back to it when you're ready. So I'm stoked. And yeah, man, I actually just got my Pranuvo scans back. I had told you guys about that on the bonus episode. And I'm so incredibly relieved. My brain scan showed nothing.

• 3:09Sabrina Zohar?

  And I could take a huge sigh of relief because my mama and my dad both have aneurysms, and I was fucking freaking out. And they found like a small little fibroid and a cyst, and they had found, they found my scoliosis, which I've known about since I was a kid. And so I'm just so grateful, and it was such an amazing experience, guys. I cannot recommend this enough. I will link everything in the show notes, just if you guys want to check them out. This isn't sponsored. I am just sharing some really, really great information and some life-saving shit, you know? Because it's true with my mama, like, I'm so grateful we found out, but it would have been too late if one of them had ruptured. And it really put that whole experience, god, talk about putting things into perspective. I think back on that time, I'm going off on tangents, but welcome to the show. I go back on that time and, oh, my god, did I ever, wait a minute, before we get started with this episode, did I ever tell you about prison bay?

• 3:53Sabrina Zohar?

  Oh, my god, did I ever tell you guys about prison bay? So, so this just bleeds into all the stuff we're going to talk about in the episode. What, when I, when my mama got sick and I kind of lost my shit. I was in a very unhealthy place. I was really volatile. I was yelling a lot. I was screaming. I was getting angry. Like, I remember once I, like, forgot something at home, and I was screaming at my mom, and like, she did not deserve that. I was a fucking asshole to her. And I was down in Florida, and because when my mama got sick, she couldn't be alone. And so we had to, she lived with my aunt who lives in Florida, and she was in Miami at the hospital. So we were able to, like, have that there. And so I was coming down and spending it, like, staying with her for like a month at a time. My friends were staying with Clem. Like, I didn't know it was going to happen, and I was the only one. I was single. I didn't have anything, so I could come down. And

• 4:37Sabrina Zohar?

  I was on Instagram and I was, I was really escaping. I was trying to find escapism in this time. And I was on Instagram and I saw this really hot guy. It was like, he had another, like, he was a model and like a brand had tagged him. And I went to his profile and I was like, holy fuck, this guy's so hot. He was like exactly my type, like 6'4", tattoos like bulging. I mean, the body of a fucking male Adonis, fully tattooed, like neck down. That's such a kryptonite for me. And big blue eyes, dark brown hair. Like this guy was chiseled, like even to the, my friends saw him and they were like, holy shit. Like he was smoking. And so I shot my shot. I messaged him and I DM'd him and he messaged back and we started chatting. And all of a sudden I was like, oh my God, we're texting morning and at night and we're doing all that. And like, I finally was just like, so where do you live? And he was like, I live in California.

• 5:20Sabrina Zohar?

  And I was like, oh, like I, the time I was in New York. And I was like, what do you do? And he was like, uh, blue collar. And I was like, okay, you're firefighter, cop or something? I don't know. And then one night, and then finally he was like, oh, do you not know? And I was like, what are you talking about? And he was like, oh, did you not see the photo? And I totally missed the photo of him in full orange, like a prison outfit. Missed it and didn't even see it. At this point, we had been talking for days. I was just needed the attention. I needed the escape. Like I was just so unhealthy in this time where I was like, I just need any attention. I need somebody like something to look forward to, a fantasy to look forward to. And needless to say, that went on for like a couple more weeks and we'd talk, we'd talk, we would talk all this, like during the summer, like while my mom was going through everything.

• 6:00Sabrina Zohar?

  And you know, he was like in the prison camp and eventually got out and we never met. No worry. But I remember, I mean, talk about black and white thinking. Talk about these ridiculous fucking idealizations and fantasies that I'd built about this person. And really what it was about was like, he was just satisfying a fantasy for me. He was helping me escape from the pain and the sadness that I was in. And I hope that that story can exemplify what I think a lot of us do. And we don't even maybe realize it is because when we're sometimes struggling or in a low time or a bad time, we'll seek the external and we try to escape. And today we're going to bring it back. I'm sorry, I just had to give the prison based story and I hope you guys enjoyed it.

• 6:40Sabrina Zohar?

  I will die. You know me, if you guys ever want tangent stories, I could, I'm actually, so talk about a tangent. I'm thinking of doing a one woman show. If you guys would be down, especially in LA, let me know. I kinda wanted to do a like, I used to be a hot mess or hot mess express with Sabrina and share some stories. So anyways, okay, let's get to the episode because I just babbled about my past life for a long time. So I'm curious, how many of you guys have dating rules that say something like if they cancel once they're not interested in me? Or my favorite, if they don't text me first or they don't text me today, they don't really like me. It's something I hear almost every single day. And so last week we talked about the stories that you create. So today we're going to talk about the faulty bullshit logic your brain uses to create those stories. And this is my favorite part because your brain has thinking errors that turn normal dating situations into relationship verdicts.

• 7:25Sabrina Zohar?

  And we are going to go over all of those. And as always, you guys know, all of this stuff comes from personal experience. Like I am not trying to throw shade at anybody with the black and white thinking or the catastrophizing or any of this stuff. And you guys know how I feel about black and white thinking, especially if you listen to the content on social and TikTok and Facebook. It's true, TikTok, Facebook or Instagram, which don't forget, follow along at the Sabrina Zohar Show, wherever that shit is found. And I think a lot of us, we want to villainize the fact that we do this, but it's actually really human because this is how our brain works. But now that's where the work lies because I was her, I would think if it's not this, it's this, right? If they don't text me every day, they don't like me. It's good or it's bad because if I'm bad, they are good.

• 8:07Sabrina Zohar?

  But if I'm good, they're bad, right? I had to have a hierarchy in my brain. And so why, why does the brain do this? It's because your brain fucking love shortcuts. So we have something called the cognitive load management. So your brain processes 11 million bits of information per motherfucking second, but can only consciously handle about 40. Imagine the ADHD brain, right? We're just like, oh shit, what about us? Can I handle like three? So to manage the overload, your brain creates thinking shortcuts, which are heuristics. So these shortcuts help you make fast decisions, but they're often wrong. The problem there is that dating requires nuanced thinking, but your brain wants simple answers. So that's why I always say we take the black and the white and we make gray. And sometimes we have to look at the research. So there was research done by Tversky and Kanem in 1974 that says humans systematically

• 8:52Sabrina Zohar?

  make predictable errors in thinking. We're not broken, we're using outdated mental software for modern problems because your brain evolved to make quick survival decisions, not navigate complex relationships. That shit kept you safe fucking 10,000 years ago, but it's making you fucking crazy right now. And Masha and I have talked about that. We have talked about that on our episodes of like, you're on old wiring. You're doing something that back in the day would have kept you safe, right? Tiger means danger. Danger is tiger, right? Or tribe, abandonment. If somebody left you, if your tribe left you, if your people left you, like if your childhood, your parents left you, you would be in danger. But we're now adults and it's maladaptive and our phones and our technology and all these things, but we're in faulty wiring. So I want you to even start there. So, let's talk about

• 9:36Sabrina Zohar?

  black and white thinking, which is also called all or nothing logic. So what does it actually mean? Realistically speaking, your brain can only process two categories, good or bad, interested or not, relationship material or waste of fucking time. So it's like having a computer that can only see one second and zero seconds when you need to see the full spectrum. And so what's happening is you're seeing it from a very myopic little lens because your brain's like, nope, no, thank you. Especially when we talked about earlier, your brain loves shortcuts. So if your brain loves shortcuts, you think your brain wants to do more work? She or they or he are doing so much work just to keep you alive. The last thing that your brain wants to do is now figure out more. I've said this on every fucking episode and I'll say it again. Your brain doesn't understand where you are right now. It still thinks that you are in places that are trying to keep you safe.

• 10:26Speaker 00

  Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 10:49Sabrina Zohar?

  And so there's something called the logic error. So real life exists in great areas, but your brain insists on sorting everything into binary categories because it's easier to fucking process. That's why we like to have this or that. And the science behind it, something called category processing research. So our brains naturally categorize to save mental energy. Then we have the binary thinking studies. So when stressed, people default to either or thinking instead of nuanced analysis. So the more anxious you are, the more your brain demands simple categories. That is why when you're really stressed, when you're really tired, when you're ruminating all those things, your brain is going to default to that. Because a lot of you guys asked, you're like, is it, you know, if they don't text me every day, that's not cool, right? And it's like, that's black and white thinking. If they don't, this, then they mean this. But we're not really looking at what's the bigger picture.

• 11:34Sabrina Zohar?

  And so somebody had asked, is it black and white thinking to cut someone off who didn't follow through on plans two times with no communication? That's not black and white thinking, baby. That's having fucking standards. Because what I'm looking at is patterns. And I'm not going to say that now, moving forward, it means anybody who cancels twice is a bad person. That's black and white thinking. That would be putting them into a bucket. What this means is that what you're saying is, well, they didn't communicate. That doesn't work for me. So you're not having black and white thinking. You're thinking logically of it. You're having, even if your thoughts are, I don't know what's going on with them. It's not that I'm, black and white thinking would be, they're bad, I'm good. Right? I didn't do anything. They're the problem. They're the bad one. Instead of saying, listen, I don't know what's going on. I have no idea what's happening in their life. I don't know why this person has now twice done this, but I'm not going to let them do it a third time. Right? First time, shame on you. Second time, shame on me.

• 12:19Sabrina Zohar?

  Now let's go into some common logic errors. So, an example would be like if they cancel once, they always will. It's one data point that you're making a permanent pattern. If they don't text first, they're not interested. You're ignoring all the other ways people show fucking interest. How many goddamn motherfucking times do I have to say this? People show interest in different ways. Texting is not the only way someone can show you that they're interested in you. People can call, they can FaceTime, they can make plans with you. And here's a fucking crazy reality. Just because your anxious ass likes to be on your goddamn phone all the time because you want to maybe distract, or you like the validation, or you like the dopamine, bitch, I'm talking to me too, doesn't mean other people like that or enjoy that either. There are people, crazy concept, there are people that don't like to be on their phone,

• 13:01Sabrina Zohar?

  that don't resonate by words on a screen versus connecting with tonality and body language and eye contact, and that is fucking okay. But if we're gonna go with, if they don't do this every day, that means this, then you're just giving into the clickbait and the bullshit that we fucking see on TikTok all the time that's keeping you single longer than you need to be. Another thing, right? If we have one awkward moment, we have no chemistry. No, motherfucker, one moment doesn't mean an entire relationship potential is out. And guys, you also know when I say things like bitch, or motherfucker, and things like that. I love you. It's just my natural cadence of, what are you doing? No, baby, it's not that. And the reality is that just because somebody, in that moment, you have a disconnect, right? And that's kind of the other thing of like, if we fight, that means that we're not gonna be okay. No, that's black and white thinking.

• 13:46Sabrina Zohar?

  That's actually really normal, that's part of it. Part of relationships are that you're going to have moments sometimes. And that was really big for me, I'll be honest. That was a big one I had to work through. A big thing for me to work through personally was not looking at, if this happens, that means everything is over. Because that was going back into core beliefs. If my dad lives, then that means I'm abandoned. If this doesn't work out, if this person leaves me, I'm alone. But the reality is now, I'm an adult. I get to make choices. And now if I have conflict with my partner, we also have repair. And that also means that I get to be the adult that I didn't have, and I get to handle things differently. And so if we have one moment in our relationship, that doesn't mean the entire thing is over. And if it means it's over, simply because you have a fight with your partner, or you guys have an argument, or you say something that the person doesn't like, and they cut you off, then I hate to break it to you,

• 14:31Sabrina Zohar?

  this person was never there for you, they were there for how it made them feel. And a last one, either they're perfect or they're terrible. There's no middle ground for human complexity, which is why I say it's the same thing of like, "A guy knows within five minutes if he wants to be with you." It's like, no, not everybody is chalked up to a fucking bumper sticker. Not everybody knows within the first five minutes. Not everybody is, "If they don't text me, they don't like me." Because here's the reality, baby, I could go the same way. Just because they text you doesn't mean they want anything with you. And I could hold that as my truth and say, "Well, it's good or bad." But I'm not, I'm saying that's a possibility. Now, why do we do this? Your brain prefers certainty over accuracy. A wrong answer feels better than no answer, which is why we're saying that your brain is trying to keep you safe. So when you catch yourself in always or never thinking, I want you to start to ask yourself, "What would be true sometimes, but not always?"

• 15:16Sabrina Zohar?

  What is something that I could hold on to? Okay, maybe that if they don't text me every day doesn't mean that they don't like me. Maybe that just means that like, they don't love texting. Doesn't mean that it's always true, but maybe in this situation it might be. That's okay. So now let's go into catastrophizing, and that's that worst-case default logic. So what is catastrophizing? Actually, it's that your brain has a malfunction. It's fun. Where it treats the worst possible outcome as the most likely outcome. It's like having a weather app that only fucking predicts hurricanes. And the reason that you're doing that, first off, is the logic error. You're assigning high probability to low probability events because dramatic outcomes feel more real than boring ones. Let me say that again. You're holding on to dramatic because they feel more real. And the science behind it is the availability heuristic.

• 15:58Sabrina Zohar?

  So we judge likelihood by how easily we can imagine something. Then we go into the negativity bias and probability. Bad outcomes feel more real because our brain pays more attention to threats. And then anxiety amplification. When your anxious brain is on, you literally cannot accurately access probability. Oh, baby. That's why we'll go from, "They didn't call me," to all of a sudden, it's like, "They don't like me, they don't want to be with me." It's like, your brain is going, "One small thing happened, worst-case scenario." Because again, at one point in your life, that was survival. And maybe you didn't know, you weren't prepped, you weren't ready, and your brain's like, "No, no, no, I'm gonna keep you ready. We're gonna come up with the worst fucking-case scenario that could ever happen." So let's get into some audience questions. "Why are we catastrophizing by default very often in our brain, and how do we stop it?" Well, let's talk about it.

• 16:42Sabrina Zohar?

  Your brain is designed to overestimate threats because it's better to be wrong about danger than dead by not seeing what's coming. Problem is, you're applying this threat detection to dating where the dangers aren't actually life-threatening. And that's been my biggest issue. When we catastrophize, they're gonna leave me, I'm gonna be alone forever, they're gonna ghost me, I'm never... It's like, and what's the worst thing about that? What is the worst thing? It's not that you're... That you're not... Your life isn't in danger, you're not threatened. This person is just maybe exiting stage left. Or they... They found somebody else, they did all that. Okay, what's the worst thing about that? Sure, it sucks that that happens, but the worst thing about that is the narrative and the story that we're creating about it more than anything else, and the fear that we're holding on to. Those are not life-threatening, but your body doesn't know the difference. Someone asked, "How did reality check myself when catastrophizing?"

• 17:24Sabrina Zohar?

  I want you to ask yourself, "What percentage of chance does this worst-case scenario actually have?" So usually, your catastrophic thoughts involve a 1% to 5% probability, events that your brain treats as a 90% certainty. Yeah, so 90% certainty, but it's actually a 1% to 5% chance. So they seem tired, 90% chance they're losing interest, but the reality is it's like fucking 5%. You have an awkward conversation, you're like, "80% chance we're incompatible." And it's like, "No, 100% chance that humans have awkward moments." They take longer to text, 70% chance they're ghosting me. The reality is, it might be like 10%. Plans change, "Oh, 85% chance they're making excuses." It's like, "Yeah, more so like a 15% chance." Your brain treats possible as probable, and probable as definite. And then we wonder why it is that we're fucking stuck and... "Oh, it's the worst, it's the worst, it's the worst." It's like, I hate to say it, but if you catastrophize consistently,

• 18:09Sabrina Zohar?

  I also would struggle to ask, "Do you trust yourself? Do you trust yourself that no matter what, you're gonna be okay?" Because if you're catastrophizing and you're going over every worst-case scenario, it's because a part of you doesn't believe that you'll be able to protect yourself. And so you have to know everything that's to come, so that you can keep yourself safe.

• 18:24Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk-takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Take out some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 18:55Speaker 01

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop, because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces, so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece, and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 19:24Sabrina Zohar?

  Alright, so here's a tool. I want you to start to say, "My brain is confusing possible with probable. What is the actual likelihood here?" And last, let's go into some filtering. This is a biggie, selective evidence logic, and I do that too. So what does it mean? Your brain has a faulty search function that only finds evidence for what you already believe. It's like having Google, but it only shows you results that confirm your fears. And I know it all too well, welcome to me reading reviews. So the logical error is that you're not gathering all available information, you're cherry picking data that supports predetermined conclusions. Like me, when I see the negative comments, the negative trolls, the negative this, I can see that so much quicker than I can see positive, because my brain's like, "Hey, you've always known that people don't like you. You hated yourself for a while, so most people probably hate you." So let's go into that. And the science behind it, as we talked about many a time, confirmation bias research.

• 20:06Sabrina Zohar?

  So people seek information that confirms existing beliefs and ignore contradictory evidence, which is why we talked about core beliefs in the first episode, so that we could loop it all together. Then we have the attention bias study. So when anxious, we literally don't see positive information, even when it's right in front of us. And then we go into selective memory. We remember negative events more vividly and positive events fade faster, which is where I go back of like, when I say, "Challenge your thoughts." You're like, "No, they're gonna leave me, they don't care about me, they don't like me." And you're like, "Dude, damn, were you with them last night? Like, weren't you literally just with them? Or didn't they just fucking say they were gonna see you tomorrow?" And it's like, I get it, but at the same time, we have to understand that your brain is trying to keep you safe and is filtering. Doesn't mean it's always accurate. And so somebody had asked in the audience queues, as always, guys, on the Instagram, if you guys want to ask.

• 20:50Sabrina Zohar?

  So every small thing becomes evidence that they're going to leave. What do I do? No, your brain is operating like a goddamn detective who's already decided everyone's guilty. You notice every neutral thing as negative evidence while ignoring all the positive signs, because you're not really being observant, you're being more selective. And if you really want to, it's like, then we have to bring ourselves back to the present moment. We have to understand what's coming up for us. What is this narrative that I'm creating? And now we'll go into, someone said, "How do I break the cycle of rereading the last text over and over, looking for clues?" I'm gonna say something that's probably gonna be a little harsh. You're not actually looking for clues. You're looking for confirmation of what you already fucking fear. You're looking to reaffirm your core beliefs. Every time you reread, you're finding new evidence because you're filtering the same information through anxiety instead of curiosity. And so you're not actually looking for clues, you're finding it. That's why I always say when people are like, should I go through my boyfriend's phone?

• 21:35Sabrina Zohar?

  It's like, you'll find something. Don't you worry about that because you are hell bent on finding it. Now, there's a difference between I have a shit ton of data like Janae and Kenny on fucking Love Island or, yeah. Like, that whole situation, if you know, you know. That felt very, like, from the beginning, I was like, this guy's not interested in her. Like, it's very, this guy's not interested. It's like, when she went through his phone, it's like, shocker, the guy that didn't want to commit to you, that didn't want to move in, that didn't want to do all these things, shocker, he was talking shit about you? It's like, but you knew that based on the behavior, you just didn't want to see it. And now, okay. Versus, am I creating a situation here that doesn't fucking exist and I'm looking for a problem? And I get that. I used to do that. I would find an issue with everything because I was like, ah, I need to be, keep myself safe. And some common ways that this shows up is they'll say, like, you'll notice that they said "cool" instead of like, "cool sounds good."

• 22:19Sabrina Zohar?

  But you're ignoring the fact that they made weekend plans with you. So you'll focus on the shorter text responses, but you completely miss the fact that they brought you fucking coffee in the morning. Or you're gonna obsess over seeming distracted, them having one fucking day, but you're gonna forget that they said that they miss you yesterday. You're gonna collect all of these uncertain moments, but all of the moments you're missing of connection. And that's why I always say, why do you think I fucking drill this in? I drill this into the fucking moon and back. If you are going, if this person doesn't do this, then that means they don't like me. Then you are looking at low effort bullshit and you are not looking at the full picture. Now, that can only hold true when you say, if they don't respect me, if they don't satisfy my needs, if they're not communicative, sure, then you can say, I don't think this is right for me.

• 23:03Sabrina Zohar?

  But if you're looking and saying, well, they didn't text me today, that means they don't like me. They didn't do, they didn't bring me flowers on the first date, that means they're cheap. It's like, you're taking one thing and making it mean this entire fucking thing, and then you wonder why you are not able to find somebody. Okay, so now what I want you to do, here's a tool. For every piece of evidence, I want your brain to then go, what's one piece it ignored? So every piece of evidence, right? They didn't text me today. Okay, and what's one thing that it's ignored? Oh, they told me that they were gonna be busy today. Or, they said that they can't wait to see me tomorrow.

• 23:31Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 23:31Sabrina Zohar?

  And the way that they all kind of work together, all these different things, is like kind of a perfect storm. And let's set it up. So you have black and white thinking that sets up the categories. Either they like me or they don't. Then catastrophizing fills in the worst option. They definitely don't like me and they're 100% gonna leave me and I'm gonna be alone forever. And then filtering provides the proof. Oh, see, here's the evidence. That confirms all of it. And then we go right on into a lovely thing called the fucking feedback loop. Faulty logic creates anxiety. Anxiety makes logic worse. Worse logic creates more anxiety. So you go, right? You'll apply a super rigid rule. You'll catastrophize the outcome. And then you're gonna filter for confirming evidence. And then you're gonna say, see, proven right. And then you're gonna apply more rigid rules. And it's the same thing, right? I see this all the time with like intimacy. Well, I don't sleep with someone for 10 dates.

• 24:15Sabrina Zohar?

  And then 10 dates come by, you sleep with them, they ghost you after, or they don't answer you, they break it off. Then you're like, I'm doubly, see, I knew it. And I'm doubling down even more. I knew it, that proves right. But at the end of the day, it's like, but it was never about that. It was never about the intimacy. It was never about this rigid rule. It was never about the like, I don't do this and I only do this. What it's about is what also is the energy and how are we showing up with the other person? Remember, your brain is not trying to fucking hurt you. It's using Stone Age logic for space age goddamn problems. It's like trying to fucking run Photoshop on a calculator. The system can't handle what you're asking for it to do. And then we go into like, what is this gonna cost you? Cause you're gonna have decision paralysis. I mean, let's be real, lord knows that's what the dating apps are. Your logic system is broken, you can't make normal decisions. Every choice is gonna feel super extreme. Every outcome feels catastrophic.

• 24:59Sabrina Zohar?

  Every piece of information gets fucking misinterpreted. And then you're gonna send fucking 20 minutes crafting a text because your brain thinks the wrong words are gonna end everything. And that is a distortion of reality. Because you're not actually in the present moment. You're not living in reality. You're living in your brain's distorted version of reality. And that's why it keeps getting reaffirmed. And the reality is other people can sense when you're operating from faulty logic. It creates the problems that you're trying to avoid. That's a self fulfilling prophecy. That is what I mean by when I used to get really anxious and then I would push the person away. I would start to be really indramatic. I would start to do the protest behavior, which we're gonna do next week. We're gonna go over that. And when I would start to engage all this, and then when it wouldn't work out, I'd be like, see, told you, all men are this and they keep. Why do you think I fight so much on the black and white thinking on the internet?

• 25:45Sabrina Zohar?

  Why do you think I'm always trying to push different perspectives? That's why, is because you're ingesting content that's keeping you where you are.

• 25:52Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 26:22Sabrina Zohar?

  A woman's only high value if she does this. It's like, no, you know what makes somebody fucking valuable? You know what makes somebody valuable isn't the money that they spend. It's not the car they drive. And it's not the fucking amount of money that they drop on you on a date. What makes them valuable and high value is their morals, their ethos, their ethics. How the fuck do they treat a waiter? How do they treat you when you say no? What do they do when you ask for help or you need them? That makes somebody valuable. How I value my fucking time, my energy, my resources. That is high value. Not this bullshit that you see on the internet of, "I value women. Don't go on a walking date." Bitch, I value my time. I'm gonna go on a walking date because I'm gonna assess if you work for me, not if I just work for you. So, let's give you some tools. I want you to have notice when you have a strong emotional reaction. I want you to pause and say, "What logic error am I making?"

• 27:06Sabrina Zohar?

  And I mean, doing black and white thinking, like, am I forcing this into two categories? Am I catastrophizing? Am I treating a small possibility like a big probability? Or am I filtering? Like, what evidence am I ignoring? And something I did that, right? When I would freak out about the business and this stuff, I would go, "Oh, I'm gonna lose everything tomorrow." And it's like, okay, let's sit down. Will I actually lose everything tomorrow? No, unless I made the worst investments, and I didn't. Am I actually gonna be homeless? No, I've got two years of runway until that happens, right? Like, you can start to go, "Okay, it's not really probable. Am I gonna be alone forever, never meet anyone?" Probably not, because I've met 25 people in the last six months, so I'm probably gonna keep meeting people. And this is where you can do the probability reality check. If a hundred fucking people were in this exact same situation, how many would experience my worst-case scenario?

• 27:49Sabrina Zohar?

  What that does is it forces you to think in realistic percentages instead of using anxiety math, which I do all the time. And it usually reveals that your certain disaster is actually pretty fucking unlikely, like me being left and abandoned. And then another thing I want you to do is take an evidence audit. What evidence supports my fear? What evidence contradicts my fear? And what evidence am I probably missing? If I was helping a friend with the situation, what would I tell them to look for? Because that's going to be really important. And then another practice, it's called the gray area practice. I want you to notice when you catch yourself thinking the black and white, what would be partially true here? When you catch yourself in that catastrophizing and what's a medium case scenario? Right? Maybe they didn't ghost me, maybe they're just going to talk to me later. And when you catch filtering, what's one positive thing I haven't paid attention to? And this is what I'm saying is like, we're building every week.

• 28:34Sabrina Zohar?

  We are building and giving you guys more and more tools. I'm giving you the education, I'm giving you tools. And at this point now, it's about you doing the work. As you know, we have the courses, you can work one-on-one, you can join the foundation course that gives all of this information, all this meat and potatoes in one place. You had, it also includes free group coaching, as long as we're doing it for the remainder of life at this point, every single month. And all of this now is about what are you going to do to implement it? How are you going to catch yourself in the black and white thinking? I used to do that, I'd be like, okay, Sabrina, challenge that, right? Oh, you think this guy's never going to call you again? Like when I left Ryan, I was like, nah, probably not going to hear from him again. But I wasn't like, I'm never going to hear from him again. I'm catastrophized, it's the end of the world. I was like, I don't know, probability wise, it's low. And I was like, but I guess we'll see. What are you doing to help yourself get out of this like, I'm, I fucked up and I supped with them, which means that they're not going to like me. And it's like, mm-mm.

• 29:19Sabrina Zohar?

  And now, guys, we went through episodes one through three. So we had the internal stuff, the beliefs, the stories, to the faulty logic. And now the next episode, what do you do when the internal stuff takes over? All right, you've learned your brain creates dating drama. And next week, we're going to talk about what actions you can take when that drama feels real. And like I said, guys, if you need anything, it's always there. Please don't forget, rate, review the show, leave a comment, whatever you guys need. I got you in the courses, or if you just want to ask a question, or you just want to listen, I just want you guys to know that it is all here for you. And at the end of the day, recognizing faulty logic is the first step. But now, training your brain to think differently requires consistent practice with the right goddamn tools. And here's my last ask. I want to know, leave it in the comments, what faulty logic error is your brain's favorite? Do you like black and white thinking?

• 30:04Sabrina Zohar?

  Do you like catastrophizing or filtering? I want you to drop a comment because I guarantee you, you are not the only one whose brain has trust issues with reality. I'll go first. I go from black and white thinking, I did that for a while, not anymore. Catastrophizing is still my issue. I'm still working on that and probably looking for the proof. That's why I don't engage in a lot of the comments sometimes. That's why I will read them quickly and pop off. It's like, because my, my mental health can't handle it. That's me protecting myself. I used to, it's so funny. Before I created content, I used to look and say, I don't understand. How can these creators not control their audience? Until I became one and I was like, that's how. You're wrangling a bunch of fucking cats. It's really difficult to maintain your audience. And for my mental health, I don't need to see a bunch of people's projections and misery. It's the fucking internet. It's a wide open forum.

• 30:49Sabrina Zohar?

  So I protect myself, but I'm still working on it. Captistrifying and all of the looking for proof and, and trying to find, look, see, that's what my dad used to tell me. There it is. And instead, I'm giving myself new choices and I'm allowing myself and saying, this is okay. It's okay if I default there, right? Like my brain's trying to protect me and keep me safe. I've got a lot of things going on, but what's important is once I get there, I can address it, I can assess it, and I do what I need to do in order to handle it. So guys, I'm so proud of you. As always, thank you for sitting with me. If you need anything, don't forget, rate, review the show, share it with your friends, pop it into a Facebook group. If your friend shared this, might be because you need it. And that's a really beautiful act of love is being able to help your friend of like, hey, I think you do this and I'd love to bring this to your attention. So I love you guys and as always, thank you, thank you. And until next week, my babies, we'll go to part four.

• 31:35Sabrina Zohar?

  I'll see you soon.

• 31:40Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 32:10Speaker 03

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