Pod Insights The Psychology of your 20s 267. Starting over in your 20s About this episode Sometimes our 20s feels more like a checklist than a decade: graduate, find dream job, meet life partner, secure friends, buy house. What happens when your perfect life plan suddenly crumbles underneath you and you are forced to start over? Today we discuss this common 20-something experience, including:
The 5 biggest ways we find ourselves starting over Why our fear of failure keeps us stuck The psychology behind timeline comparison The mindset shift you need for fresh starts How to rebuild after a sudden change in course + so much more Listen now if you find yourself in the same boat and thank you to our lovely listener at the beginning of the episode for sharing her story.
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2:45 Jemma Sbeg? Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here. Back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our twenties. So I don't know about you, but it often feels like my twenties, they aren't just about like growing and experiencing life. There's almost this implicit feeling that they're actually about ticking off a checklist. You know, some people call it like the thirty before thirty, right? Moving out of home, graduating university, tick, get a good job, tick, find a life partner, solidify
3:28 Jemma Sbeg? like your lifetime friendship group, buy a house, travel, invest, et cetera, et cetera. There is this very almost omnipresent blueprint given to us by society, by our peers, by our parents, by the media about how this decade is meant to look. And it's quite linear and consecutive. It's constantly moving forwards and upwards. But what if you are one of those people, one of many of us who find themselves completely starting over in their twenties, starting from scratch? The carefully laid plans, you know, kind of may have crumbled, the future that we'd imagined and had been so sure of suddenly doesn't seem that fun and enjoyable anymore.
4:13 Jemma Sbeg? Maybe we've realised that we've made a mistake. We need to leave the relationship, leave the job, leave the city. And leave the friendship, leave the life that we've kind of created so far. That is a reality for a lot of us. It is very hard to admit to ourselves when and that we do need to start over. So hard, in fact, I think that few of us ever really do. Instead, we endure a life and we endure a reality. That doesn't fit us because the prospect of the unknown and of starting over. Feels not only shameful but very scary. However, when we do admit it to ourselves that we are ready to start over or when that decision is kind of thrust on us.
4:58 Jemma Sbeg? I think it can be quite liberating if we take a different perspective on it. Now, I don't want to discount that there is going to be fear there, there is going to be confusion. Especially since we feel like we've fallen off the blueprint. We maybe don't have plans anymore. We don't have. Seemingly in our mind, an ideal sense of the future. But I really want to talk about why that is okay. And why this is actually a very common experience. And if you're feeling isolated. Overwhelmed, maybe shameful as we, you know, ashamed as we mentioned before. That is exactly what I would expect you to be feeling in this moment.
5:43 Jemma Sbeg? But it shouldn't discourage you or shouldn't make you feel like you haven't made the right choice or that this is actually. Going to turn out completely entirely okay. We are going to discuss some of the common ways that we are forced to start over in our twenties. The biggest reasons why we have so much fear towards this experience. Whether that's because of timeline comparison or the fear of the unknown, loss of identity, our attachment to comfort. We're going to discuss. All of those factors. Plus, and this is the most important part of this episode. How to shift from that really fear-based mindset to an opportunity-based mindset. When you encounter the opportunity to start over in your twenties.
6:30 Jemma Sbeg? I also really wanna share some listener stories. I've been doing that more and more because I just feel like there is so much wisdom from the community. And sometimes I think just hearing that other people are going through what you are going through is the assurance that we all need. And I wanna remind you, just because something about your life isn't working out right now, doesn't mean that the rest of your life is doomed. That is the main philosophy and theme that we will be promoting in this episode. So I hope that if you are in this position, this brings you comfort, knowledge, information, maybe just a sense of calm. And without further ado, let's get into the episode. What does it feel like to start over in your twenties?
7:20 Jemma Sbeg? I wanna share a story from a listener, actually, to start us off. And I think this story just really captures the, I don't know, the essence of what it feels like to start over. Hey Gemma, I wanna share my story of starting over in hopes that it will help someone else feel less like a failure because they didn't get it right the first time. When I was twenty seven, I had my dream job. I was making commercials, working my way up to potentially being a film director. I had all of these friends, a nice flat. I was living in London with my boyfriend who I'd met at twenty two. We lived together and we had a cat and I thought for sure he was going to propose in the next year. Everything basically just seemed laid out perfectly in front of me.
8:05 Jemma Sbeg? Within the span of two months, I lost my job when COVID started. My boyfriend broke up with me because he caught feelings for one of his coworkers. And my dad had a stroke, so I moved back home to take care of him. Enter my dark days. For the next year, it felt like my trajectory was permanently changed and I was going to be a failure and miserable. This was the beginning of the end. I hadn't felt this uncertain since I was seventeen because in the last ten years, the next step had always been obvious for me. And I guess I took that for granted. Slowly but surely, I started to really think, what do I want the next ten years of my life to look like? What is going to make me happy?
8:47 Jemma Sbeg? I started to put things into action and now I can confidently say that I am happier than ever. My dad got better and now I live in Italy and I teach yoga. I got certified two years ago. I run my own business as well. I live in my own apartment with my two cats now. And I have a beautiful community around me. It honestly scares me to think that this life almost didn't happen. And that I thought what I had before was the peak of happiness, not even close. So this email, I got this email before I even announced that I was going to do this episode. This person must have just known that maybe someone else out there needed to hear it. And it honestly left me really emotional.
9:29 Jemma Sbeg? And I just wanna repeat my favorite part once more because it's incredible. This is the part that I love. It honestly scares me to think that this life almost didn't happen. Now, is that not the most beautiful and wise reminder? From someone who has lived through and experienced this thing that we kind of fear. Everything falling apart. That is what happened to her and she's fine now. You know, I just couldn't not include this story because sometimes, like I said, just hearing how someone else's circumstances have turned out. Is enough to soothe our own doubt in a way. I think this story is also incredible because it touches on three very unique ways that we may be forced to start over in our twenties.
10:14 Jemma Sbeg? Relationships, career and location, but also family and priorities. So actually almost five. And each of them feels so uniquely significant. It just blows my mind that this person experienced so many different, you know, so many different ways of life becoming chaotic all at once. And she survived. So let's talk about the ways in which we might be forced to start over. And I'm gonna focus on career first because I think when our career intentions and dreams change or our path becomes unclear. We can feel very unmoored, usually because our identity is somewhat, if not seriously tied to our vocation and what we do for a living, what we're pursuing.
10:59 Jemma Sbeg? Especially in our twenties, right? It just feels like work is at the centre. We are meant to be climbing the corporate ladder, working really hard, figuring out what we wanna do. So when we don't feel like we know, or we feel like we do know and it's not working out, it can be very distressing. There are many ways that this kind of happens to us. You may have been unexpectedly fired or made redundant in the last couple of years. You may even get to a stage where you realise that you're just faking it. You know, this isn't what you want anymore, or the industry is changing and you just can't get the job. You've pushed yourself so hard, you're not getting any traction. Sometimes we we reach a tipping point in these circumstances where we realise,
11:44 Jemma Sbeg? okay, I gave it a go, it might be time to abandon ship. I'm not happy here anymore, it's not working out. And yes, the future feels unclear, but so does this current timeline that I'm on. When you really actually consider it and sit with this reality for a lot of people, you kind of realise that a lot of us are basically forced to put ourselves on a career or a professional trajectory very early on, at like seventeen or eighteen years old. And I don't know about you, but seventeen year old Gemma, she had no idea what she wanted. She thought she knew. She thought she was a genius. She thought she had it all figured out. Absolutely.
12:26 Jemma Sbeg? No way. She was so naive. That was a big wake up call when, you know, I started to think, huh, maybe what I dreamt about at seventeen or eighteen isn't what twenty four year old me actually cares about anymore. And if you're going through that right now, I really feel for you. But I also think it's important to actually periodically reflect on what you actually want from your professional life and make changes where you deem necessary, kind of before it's too late. The second biggest dimension area where we feel like we could be starting over is our relationships. Now, I mean both platonic and romantic, but let's really zoom in on romantic
13:10 Jemma Sbeg? for a second. So I was talking to my friend Steph the other day about something that's happening in our in our friendship circle, which is there has been a series of long term relationship breakups that have occurred amongst our friends. And I am talking like five, seven, ten year relationships, all coming to an end. It's like.
13:33 Jemma Sbeg? Everyone turns twenty seven, realizes they're closer to thirty than ever before. Their Saturn returns and they break up. So that period between around twenty seven to twenty nine is when a lot of us experience our first major breakup with a long-term partner. Maybe that's someone that you've fallen in love with in your early twenties and now, you know, you are faced with the idea of entering thirty with them. You realize that you wanna enter it with someone else. But it's very common for people to reach their late twenties and see a real flip in their relationship priorities. And it's not a coincidence. It's been suggested by some social psychologist that twenty seven to thirty, twenty seven
14:17 Jemma Sbeg? to twenty nine is a very serious and key stage in relationships. Where you're kind of at this age where you either get serious or you get out. I think that's how a lot of us feel. Uh, this is also known by another name. It's called the seven-year itch. I don't know if you've heard that name before, but it basically refers to this idea that at around seven years, a relationship either needs to change or needs to be left behind. And either you evolve together or you go your separate ways. This is actually one of the main like timeline hurdles for a relationship. It's typically six months, two years and seven years.
14:59 Jemma Sbeg? Those are the times in which people are most likely to break up. It follows a very similar pattern for a lot of us. Even as I'm telling you this, though, you might be comforted by the science. You might be able to say, oh, okay, so this is normal. Um, I don't think that reduces the fact that it's a very serious, deep, profoundly moving loss. No one enters a relationship thinking this has an expiry date and at twenty seven, I'll break up and find someone new. Like typically, we are in it for the long haul. We're committed to this person. So I also think that even if you know, deep down, this is what is right, you will find
15:39 Jemma Sbeg? someone else, or you will be okay alone, it doesn't lessen the sting, at least in the first three to six months. It's definitely, I think, not made any easier by this societal stigma around being single and the sense that if you're not partnered up, you are not whole. You're either in a couple or you're half a person. You must be either looking for love or in love. You know, how could you possibly be in that middle space of just being happy by yourself? Another way that um we typically start over in our twenties is financially. Maybe you've made a big purchase, maybe you've lost money, maybe you've gone all in on on travelling, you've come back with nothing.
16:22 Jemma Sbeg? Um I see this a lot. I actually don't think it's a bad thing. I think that what is money if it's not something that unlocks a better life for you? And for some people, money unlocks the security and comfort of a home or of long-term financial stability. For others, it unlocks things like travel and it unlocks things like giving yourself the experiences you maybe always wanted as a child or giving yourself kind of that texture to life. So financially, I think, obviously I'm not going to give you financial advice and you do what is best for you and what feels most aligned with your life priorities.
17:01 Jemma Sbeg? But I think starting over financially in our twenties is not always this big, dark, looming cloud that is promising you failure for for the rest of your years, right? I don't think that it's a mistake to spend your money, even if it means not having as much as people your own age or feeling like you don't have as much saved as, you know, Tom down the road or Beth up the street. Also, um kind of on a similar note, not really, but moving, this is a time, our twenties are a time when a lot of us want to live in and see new places. The amount of friends that I have who have moved to London in the last year,
17:42 Jemma Sbeg? shocking, shocking. I have this joke that like every Australian turns twenty five and moves to London and every person in the UK turns twenty five and moves to Australia. Like, it honestly feels that way, but really it is a time when. We're looking for a refresh. We're looking for a new environment. We're looking for new friends. Adjusting to that, though, isn't always gonna be a fairy tale. We like comfort, we like what we know. And there will be probably a period of disconnect where you don't have the same community or knowledge of of a city or a space that you did when you lived back at home. I have a rule for situations like this, though. If you are lucky enough to move to a new city or a new country, I need you to give it at least six months.
18:28 Jemma Sbeg? Six months where you cannot decide whether to stay or to go. Because that period of time is typically how long it does take to learn a new place, to solidify some new friendships, to feel comfortable in a new job and to get a sense of home. So if part of your fresh start in your twenties has been a significant move and you're struggling, you're thinking, oh, my god, like, fuck, I made a terrible decision, please keep the six month rule in mind. One final way that we typically see people restarting during this decade is almost like a complete overhaul. It's not to do with finances, it's not to do with relationships, career, it's everything.
19:12 Jemma Sbeg? It is a refresh and a rebirth of most of our entire personality where we decide we need new hobbies, we need new beliefs, we need new clothes, new habits. It's part of our personal evolution. And I think normally when we get to that point where we do feel like we need to transform ourselves as people, we've definitely reached an internal or emotional tipping point where at some stage you realise that you are no longer happy and you will never be happy in this current version of yourself. So that is definitely another way that we are promised a fresh start in our twenties. So these are the most common core examples. I'll also say that at the time of recording this, you know, there are huge fires in L A.
19:55 Jemma Sbeg? And many people have had to start over because of something completely drastic, dramatic, out of their control, like a natural disaster. And those experiences for other people sometimes really put into perspective our own problems, but it really does go to show that you can do everything right and there can still be factors outside of your control that can get to you and that can force a fresh start. So when we are either involuntarily or voluntarily pushed to restart and start over in our twenties, we are likely to encounter some pretty emotional, psychological, hard
20:36 Jemma Sbeg? barriers or things that make it difficult and that bring about doubt and confusion. And I want to talk about all of those after this short break.
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23:39 Jemma Sbeg? Admitting to yourself and I guess to others that you have had to start over in your twenties in some capacity. It can bring about a lot of shame and fear. And we associate it with feeling like we failed or feeling like we're disappointing people or like you've wasted those early years. Why does it feel so weird to admit to ourselves and to others that we're starting over? I think the first reason that this is so hard, and I would say the primary reason in this generation is timeline comparison. As humans, part of our DNA, I guess, part of our blueprint, our social blueprint
24:22 Jemma Sbeg? has evolved to compare, to look at our peers or our friends as a way to see whether we are doing this whole life thing correctly. And if the majority of people are where we are, we largely assume we're doing okay if they're at a similar point in. You know, their life as us, we kind of think, okay, no problems, we're fine, we're not gonna fall behind, no disaster. But if our perception of other people's progress and success is that they are much more advanced than us, and that is the norm. We are engaging in something called upward social comparison.
25:03 Jemma Sbeg? And that can really bring about a sense of pressure or shame, doubt, confusion that we are falling behind. Milestone or life trajectory is probably one of the main things that we compare ourselves on in our twenties. Most likely because there is no guidebook for how well we should be going. There is no unique, special way that we should be doing things. So we tend to use examples in our environment, like our friends, our similarly aged colleagues, people we see online. As a way to tell us, we don't realise though, when we do that, either consciously or unconsciously. We don't realise that we have a real blind spot.
25:47 Jemma Sbeg? We do not have an accurate sample, we are not seeing the whole picture. We are not seeing the areas of these people's lives where they themselves feel behind. In fact, recent research would tell you that when we compare, we are actually most likely to choose the most accomplished person we know and treat them as the average, when really they're not. It's a cognitive bias that we have. The truth is, there is no one correct path, but we also tend to forget that because social comparison is not rational, it's emotional. It is going to make you feel more insecure as a way to motivate you in this very human way to be like everyone else.
26:30 Jemma Sbeg? Compounding this, I think, is this cultural narrative that we all encounter that our twenties are a make or break time. One where we are supposed to have it all figured out, or at least be on our way. And this pressure really feeds into imposter syndrome, making us feel like we are constantly falling short, that we don't deserve to be where we are, or that even when we are somewhere that we're happy to be, we could be further along. The thing is, is that this kind of timeline comparison, and I'm certainly not blaming you for indulging in it, I definitely do it as well. Sometimes it's just instinctual,
27:08 Jemma Sbeg? but it's actually not making it any easier for us to change our lives or to move in the direction that we want. So there was a two thousand and twenty two study from the University of Florida that found that the more frequently we compare ourselves on things like timelines, the fewer positive feelings we have about ourselves and the less we feel that we can act to change our life or be better, do better. So it becomes a bit of a trap. You feel shit in comparison to someone else. That's gonna make you feel like you have no capability or agency to make your life better. So you stay stuck.
27:49 Jemma Sbeg? I think, again, what exacerbates this and makes it harder is when nobody is talking about it. When nobody is willing to say, yeah, I made a mistake and I'm starting over, or this didn't work out and I'm starting over. So just simply telling your story and being open about how your life is turning out and how it might not be turning out as planned, we feel like we are the only one who is experiencing this and we feel like we are admitting to some failure. That brings a lot of shame about not just what we are doing, but our inherent qualities, right? This is why it can be so painful because
28:31 Jemma Sbeg? we think that admitting to our life plan not working out shows that we are someone who wasn't good enough, wasn't capable enough, wasn't resilient enough, didn't deserve some success, when really that is not the case. Your brain logic in this instance is not working in your favor. It's actually sabotaging our ego and sense of self further, almost because it would prefer that we be the ones to tell ourselves that we're a failure than have someone else tell us. So if we go into this and we have no examples of anyone else experiencing what we're experiencing or normalizing it.
29:12 Jemma Sbeg? And then we feel like we have to tell people and admit to it. Our brain's gonna convince us that we are much more horrible, terrible, much more of a failure than we actually are, almost as a way to protect our ego by injuring it in the first place. So comparison, a fear of failure, that's definitely what makes starting over externally scary. But let's talk about some of the internal, more personal reasons that we do tend to struggle in these situations. The first big one is a fear of the unknown. Truly, any fear that you have comes down to this greater fear of the unknown. Because if you knew what was going to happen, if you knew that the snake wouldn't bite you, the plane wouldn't crash,
29:55 Jemma Sbeg? that everything would turn out okay, you wouldn't be scared, you wouldn't be scared. So it's the uncertainty that matters. How many of us have wished someone would just be able to concretely say that for certain, everything will be all right? Oh, and you know, by the way, in three months, that's when you're gonna find the new job. And you're gonna meet your soulmate in approximately seventeen months and nine days. And in two weeks, you'll have one of those days where everything about this new life makes sense. We all hunger and crave that kind of validation that we are on the right path. Thing is, no one can tell us that. No one is going to be able to give you the answer and tell you when it's all gonna fall into place.
30:36 Jemma Sbeg? Therefore, we have to manage this very natural anxiety around the unknown by ourselves the best we can. The alternative is staying attached to what is comfortable. The stagnant career, the unhappy relationship, the unfulfilling friendships, the city, the place that doesn't give you any joy. You could always stay there. You could always remain in this nice, comfortable, safe bubble because you are too scared of what might happen. I just don't think that is a good alternative. And what are you going to be more glad that you did in a year? In five years, in ten years, are you gonna be glad that you stayed safe and you stayed locked away?
31:18 Jemma Sbeg? Or are you going to be glad that you looked at your life, you said, I'm not happy here, and you changed things? I do also wanna offer you a different way of framing this, which is that life would be utterly and completely boring if you knew how it was all going to turn out. It would honestly be such a drag to know how everything was going to unfold, down to the minute details, how everything was gonna turn out. Honestly, it would seem very pointless to be living this life with no anticipation and no surprises. So even if there is not a lot of joy in not knowing and not a lot of joy in the chaos,
32:03 Jemma Sbeg? I do think that the alternative would be even more horrendous. So let's talk about the final reason why I think starting over in our twenties is so hard, and that is because of the loss of identity that we experience when we transition away from our career choices or our relationship or the places of comfort. A lot of people think that identity formation takes place in our childhood, and in many ways that is true, but it also really gets tested and solidified in our twenties. Our identity, I like to think about it as being made up of many buckets, from values to culture to relationships, career, hobbies, appearance, beliefs.
32:47 Jemma Sbeg? We tend to piece our identity together from things that surround us and attach significance to positions and roles, like our job title, like who we're dating, like where we live, our environment. Now, when those things naturally fall away, when we are forced to start over, when some spanner is thrown into the wheel, we feel very unmoored from the pillars of who we are.
33:16 Jemma Sbeg? You're kind of just left with a few remnants of your identity when material or I guess outs- outside things fall away. So let me use the example of a long term relationship. When a long term relationship ends, often people will struggle rebuilding a full and complete sense of self. Because they really tied themselves up in this other person. So they may have neglected the things that really do make them unique. Like their interests or their beliefs or their values. And so you really have to work your way back to that place of deep self knowledge, because you can no longer rely on this relationship or this other person
33:56 Jemma Sbeg? to define you. And that is going to be emotionally painful and stressful and scary if you didn't think you were gonna be here. I've seen this happen in in so many friends' relationships. And to be completely honest with you, I'm sure that if me and my boyfriend or my partner broke up right now, it would be likely that I would fall into this same spiral. Because naturally, when you care about someone, when you're imagining a future with them, you sort of neglect the parts of you that would allow you to be fully independent. And that would allow your identity to be fully formed on your own. I don't think that's a bad thing at all. I think that's a sign of healthy reliance and dependency. It is just an adjustment.
34:39 Jemma Sbeg? Okay, so far, we have really zoned in on explaining the hard parts of starting over and why our feelings about it do emerge. I think it is time that we shift to a more future oriented, positive approach and really examine how we can use psychology and what we know about ourselves as humans to use these unfortunate fresh starts to our advantage. So when we come back, I'm gonna talk advice, I'm gonna talk leveraging transitional periods. And why the best time to start over is actually right now. We'll be back right after this short break.
35:23 Jemma Sbeg? There's this moment in your twenties where you realise, oh, no one is double checking my finances for me anymore. It's just me, my bank account and a growing list of, wait, I forgot I subscribe to that. And honestly, that can feel overwhelming. So you could look into Bank of America Advantage Safe Balance Banking. It's perfect for this stage of life where you're figuring things out as you go. There are no overdraft item fees and if you are under 25, there's no monthly maintenance fee, which just makes it easier to stay on track. What stands out is that it doesn't try to over complicate things. It's not about being perfect with money, it's about having a system that helps you feel a little more in control. What's more, with Safe Balance Banking, you could enroll
36:08 Jemma Sbeg? in B of A Rewards and enjoy cash back deals plus fraud and identity monitoring. If you are in that phase of, I'm trying to get my life together financially, Bank of America Advantage Safe Balance Banking is a really solid place to start. Learn more at BofA.com/simplebanking, member FDIC. I've been approaching my health really differently this year. I used to be really focused on maximizing and doing more. And now I'm just realising that if I listen to what my body needs, I perform way better. And that's why I am obsessed with my Whoop. Truly, you guys, you know I'm such a data and information driven person and I love opening my Whoop app and seeing
36:52 Jemma Sbeg? how my sleep, my stress, my strain is correlating with my mood, with my running performance, with how I'm just feeling day to day. I'm not an elite athlete by any means, but I do really benefit and I also just really enjoy knowing more about my body. And Whoop also gives me these actionable personalised insights that have made me more intentional and meant that I make smarter decisions day to day about what I need, rather than just putting my foot on the gas and just going, going, going, going. New members can try Whoop with a 30 day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop. This episode is sponsored by Gymshark.
37:36 Jemma Sbeg? Gymshark has spent over fourteen years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know, they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is. Lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favourite gym clothing at gymshark.com.
38:11 Jemma Sbeg? So I want to tell you why the best time for you to start over is right now, as promised. If you are going to choose a moment to reinvent yourself and to leave environments, people in places that don't serve you in your twenties, it would be right now. You will never be as young with as much future time in front of you as you have in this moment. You can spend hours, weeks, months ruminating on what could have happened. You can reflect and think, if I'd just done this, if I'd just done that. But these hypotheticals are not in the realm of your control. So unfortunate as it is, I think it is a lost cause to reflect on the past with longing.
38:55 Jemma Sbeg? Because it can't change anything, but luckily you have been given the gift of a new beginning. And your twenties are a great time to start over again and again and again because of just how flexible and adaptable we are and our lives are and our brains are. It is such a unique time for reinvention. Although, you know, our brains continue to change and develop over our lifetime. Our twenties are actually the second most formative period for brain development in our life. And that works in your favour. It's easier for you to rewire certain, your certain pathways, to form new attachments, to learn new skills, to be resilient.
39:35 Jemma Sbeg? Because we are so adaptable and you can create a whole new neurological system based on this new life you're creating. I think we all know the saying, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. And in some ways, that's true, the older you get, the harder it is to give yourself the gift of a fresh start. I also want to remind you, you are still incredibly young.
39:59 Jemma Sbeg? Even if you are listening to this and you're not in your twenties, you're in your early thirties or your early forties, my gosh, there are people in their sixties, seventies, eighties, who would look at your life and say, to have the time you have, if only I had changed at your age, if only I had let myself. Um, I think I've said this quote before actually, but it's one that really sticks with me. It's not necessarily a quote, but it's a video of Reese Witherspoon, you know, from Legally Blonde. And she is being interviewed by someone who was twenty nine. And the girl tells her how old she is and she says, how do you go about getting into film when you're a bit older?
40:40 Jemma Sbeg? And Reese asks her, how old are you? She goes, I'm, I'm twenty nine. She goes, oh my goodness. You're just a baby. If you could see yourself from my perspective, you are so young and you have so much time. And that gave me so much reassurance that really all these experienced wonderful people, who a lot of us admire and respect, would look at where we're at right now and say, this is just the beginning. If I was gonna start over, I'd be doing it right now. It's also worth noting that I definitely believe that life comes in cycles. So you just have to be prepared and open minded. You may be starting over now and then you may be starting over again at forty, at sixty five.
41:23 Jemma Sbeg? But at least you'll have some experience on how to navigate this transition. And you have practice because change is really the only thing that is promised. And if you hide away from it, eventually it will grab you and it would be better to know how to handle that. So that is some of my more philosophical advice ramblings around why this isn't the disaster that maybe you think it is. Although you're allowed to feel that way, if you're still in the mourning grieving period for what once was, that's okay. But I wanna teach you how you can try and reframe this chapter of your life, as hard and confusing as it may have been, and move forward. And I have some tips for you on that as well. Start small.
42:08 Jemma Sbeg? If you have experienced a setback or a failure and you're trying to rebuild, start small. Start small by talking to people in industries that you think you may enjoy. Start small by going on a really low-key date, by journaling what you could possibly, what kind of life you could possibly fall in love with. If you're trying to restart after a big friendship breakup or a loss, give yourself time to grieve and then slowly get back out there. Take baby steps so that every single step of the way you are being intentional. I think, let's use the metaphor of starting with a blank canvas when you're painting, right?
42:54 Jemma Sbeg? I don't know many of us who would rush to fill every single square inch of that canvas in minutes. Because inherent in that is that we see an opportunity to create something big and bright and vibrant, you know, we've been given this huge canvas, this huge place to put all our feelings. So we wanna be intentional with what we're putting on there and the same goes for rebuilding the area of your life where you may have felt like you had to start over. I would say focus on one area that you really wanna find either stability, abundance, growth, whatever it is, and make a bit of a master plan. I have really fallen in love with the idea of a master plan recently and basically it's like
43:36 Jemma Sbeg? a map of the next six months to a year that holds multiple desires or dreams or goals for you. And it feels less specific than a strict singular goal that you're working towards. It lets you focus on how you wanna make progress in everything in your life, how you wanna feel. My master plan, I really like to have, you know, how am I gonna be feeling in two weeks? In a month, in three months, in six months? What do I have to change now to get me there? If it is that you wanna feel more secure in your purpose and what you actually wanna do in your life, maybe the first three months are going to be an explorative chapter for you,
44:20 Jemma Sbeg? where you're just trying out different hats, where you are networking, where you are investigating what could really light your fire. That is great. That is still part of the master plan. That is still progress forward. I really want to wipe away, get rid of this idea that when you start over, you have to know exactly what you need and what you want from the get go. This is a time where you can really shake things up. You can change your priorities, you can reinvent yourself. So when you're putting together a master plan, maybe it's like um a vision, a visual timeline of
45:01 Jemma Sbeg? where you wanna be in six months with pictures, with words, with different themes. Make sure that you leave some space also just to explore. Also embrace a growth versus fixed mindset in this moment. A growth mindset, um this was first described by the psychologist Carol Dweck. And it's this real belief that our abilities, our intelligence, our talent can be developed over time through effort, through learning, through perseverance. And this perspective really fosters resilience and it makes you curious. It makes empty space promising rather than restrictive because you know that you can fill it with things that you love
45:42 Jemma Sbeg? and that you are capable of creating the life that you want because you are in control, you have agency. In contrast, a fixed mindset really is this belief that the parts about you that you wanna change, they're unchangeable. You can't grow, you can't change, you're not capable. And that leads to a real fear of failure and avoidance of risk. And a tendency to just give up and revert to what is comfortable when we are faced with the unknown. Psychologically, a growth mindset is what we are after because it makes you better at responding to fear, it means that you're better at problem solving. It means that you are willing to learn.
46:27 Jemma Sbeg? So when you are starting over in your twenties, what I want you to do and the kind of growth mindset that I want you to adopt is that you're going to view setbacks as opportunities for growth. You are going to approach new challenges with curiosity, you're gonna think not what do I have to be fearful of here, but what can I learn even within the fear? And I want you to understand that this is a process and that you are actually writing a very interesting story. You are not writing a story just with a beginning, a middle and an end. You are writing a story with a plot. And I think that that is a much better way to think about it and a much better attitude to bring to things. Like, I'm not looking for
47:09 Jemma Sbeg? the easiest route. I'm looking for the route with the most experience and abundance and fucking fun, you know, and just cool stories and cool things that I get to show and tell people about when I'm older. Um, another thing I would really say to do if you've just gone through a breakup, if you've just quit a job that was toxic, if you're moving somewhere new soon, do something that represents this new era physically, um, something that feels psychologically symbolic. So a new tattoo, a new haircut, a wardrobe purge, something or other that is going to make you feel like every single part of you is in this new version of you and is in this new beginning with you, that old version of you, we respect them,
47:54 Jemma Sbeg? we love them, they've taught us so much. It's their time to, to rest. Like, it's their time, it's time to say goodbye to them. This new chapter is coming with a fresh new look. It's coming with a new attitude and we're going to represent that physically. If comparison is also the thing that you are struggling with the most in this moment, and I totally understand that it would be, right? As I said, it's something that's built into our DNA as humans. I want you to make sure that any comparison statements you're making are not full sentences. So let me explain this a little bit further. When we have a tendency to compare, we might look at someone's life and go, oh my gosh, she has everything, her
48:35 Jemma Sbeg? life is so perfect. I don't have that. But I want you to then take that sentence and expand it. I don't have that, but that doesn't mean I never will. Her, her career looks so successful and one day mine will look like that as well. I am so jealous of her, whatever it is, her relationship because mine failed. But that doesn't mean that every future relationship of mine is going to fail. Their success does not inherently mean my failure. Not everything has to be a competition.
49:16 Jemma Sbeg? Sometimes the lives of people that we admire most shows up through jealousy. And instead of treating them as this person who we need to be threatened by, we can be inspired by them and say, huh, like, doesn't this just show me that this is capable, that I could do this? I'm sure they've experienced setbacks as well and yet here they are. Finally, surround yourself or reflect on examples of people who have started over and been successful in their twenties. And let me say, there's not many of them because most people actually end up starting over later in their forties, in their fifties, like your twenties is still your genesis, it's still your origin story. This is still the first timeline you were living.
50:01 Jemma Sbeg? Um, I love to give the example actually of my mom. My mom is one of those people who, I love hearing the story of how when she was in her twenties, she was kicked out of her university faculty for such poor grades. She did absolutely terribly and you know, it looks like she wasn't gonna get a degree. But she went and she did other things. She quote unquote, found herself and she came back when she was older and wiser. And she gave it another go and a lot of people were like, why are you doing that? You know, you already failed once, why are you trying this economics thing, this psychology thing for a second time? She ended up being the like valedictorian ducks of her class at university. And she went on to get this incredible grad job.
50:46 Jemma Sbeg? Now she is literally a CEO. And I love to look at that story and say, you know, she was an immigrant and she, I don't know, so I'm getting so inspired by my mom's story, but. I love to look at that story and go, wow, this is someone who I admire, who has made my life possible, and she did not have the easiest ride of things. And there were so many times where I'm sure she was looking at other people thinking, I'm never going to be at their level, and yet she still found great success. Martha Stewart, oh my God, you have to watch the Martha Stewart documentary if you haven't, but she didn't write her first cookbook until she was forty one. And that's what she's known for now. Steve Carell, we love Steve Carell.
51:28 Jemma Sbeg? Michael in the office, you know, he didn't have his big break until he was in his forties. Same with Harrison Ford. Most people do not find their greatest successes until later in life, and they sure don't find themselves until later as well. So you have time, I promise you, you have so much time. You are so young and the power of your twenties is that all of the possibility lays ahead of you. There is so much room for reinvention and to be able to start over. Also, there's less consequences, you know, you don't have kids yet. You may not have a mortgage. You don't have other huge things to take care of that become more pressing. The older you get, you have more time in front of you than you have behind you.
52:12 Jemma Sbeg? So I really want you to remember that when you are stressed or anxious about feeling like you failed the first time or you didn't get it right. Because that again is part of the interesting story you are writing. And I think that is much more important than being able to say, yeah, I got it all right and did everything perfectly the first time and I never made mistakes. Also means you never learnt anything. So I hope this episode has provided you with some clarity, maybe just some peace, just a sense of like, okay, it's all gonna be okay. That is really all I hope for with any of these podcast episodes is just that you can. You know, hear the words and the voice of someone else in their twenties and go, okay, woof, not, it's not just me, because it definitely isn't.
52:57 Jemma Sbeg? Make sure that if you enjoyed this episode, you share it with a friend. You share it on your Instagram story, anywhere. And if you do actually tag me, I love seeing the different parts of the world where people are listening. It's honestly one of my favorite parts of the day is being like, oh my gosh, someone in Kenya, someone in Brussels, someone in Bristol. Um, so please feel free to share it over there. Make sure you are following along on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and that you have left a five star review if you enjoyed this episode. Also drop a comment below if you have further thoughts about reinvention and starting over in your twenties. I love to keep the conversation going there. Um, and I just love to hear from you guys. So until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself, especially if you are
53:42 Jemma Sbeg? in these circumstances and we will talk very, very soon.
53:51 Jemma Sbeg? Your twenties are full of firsts. First job, first rent payment, first time checking your balance. Wow, that's a lot. Having the right setup helps. Bank of America Advantage Safe Balance Banking has no monthly maintenance fee if you are under twenty five. It's simple, which is honestly exactly what most people need right now. Plus, when you open a new safe balance banking account, you can explore what B of A Rewards has to offer, like cash back deals plus fraud and identity monitoring. Learn more at B of A dot com slash simple banking. Member FDIC. I've been approaching my health really differently this year. I used to be really focused on maximizing and doing more.
54:35 Jemma Sbeg? And now I'm just realizing that if I listen to what my body needs, I perform way better. And that's why I am obsessed with my Whoop. Truly, you guys, you know, I'm such a data and information driven person and I love opening my Whoop app and seeing how my sleep, my stress, my strain is correlating with my mood, with my running performance, with how I'm just feeling. Day to day, I'm not an elite athlete by any means, but I do really benefit. And I also just really enjoy knowing more about my body. And Whoop also gives me these actionable, personalized insights that have made me more intentional and meant that I make smarter decisions day to day about what I need, rather than just putting
55:19 Jemma Sbeg? my foot on the gas and just going, going, going, going. New members can try Whoop with a 30 day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join dot whoop dot com slash psychology for your free month of Whoop. This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is, lifting cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands.
56:03 Jemma Sbeg? Discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at gymshark.com.
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