Ep 266: Chelsea Handler

Tickets for Chelsea Handler’s The High and Mighty Tour are on sale now at chelseahandler.com Chelsea Handler joins Mark and Sam for a wide-ranging, unfiltered hang. She talks hosting the Critics Choice Awards, bombing early in her career, gambling wins, dating comedians, Antarctica on molly, writing seven New York Times bestsellers, and why freedom matters more than anything. The guys swap Conan stories, debate talk shows dying, complain about lamps and overhead lighting, picky eaters, gambling chaos, tour life, and wild relationship history. One of the loosest, funniest episodes in a while. Sponsored by: Build your business with Shopify Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/drunk Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBDMerch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Tickets for Chelsea Handler’s The High and Mighty Tour:https://chelseahandler.com Sam Morril tickets:https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand tickets:https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets ⸻ Produced by Gotham Production Studios:https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #ChelseaHandler #MarkNormand #SamMorril #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #Shopify #BodegaCatWhiskey Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  Hi boys.

• 0:07Mark Normand?

  Hey.

• 0:08Speaker 00

  Welcome. Hello, hello sir.

• 0:10Mark Normand?

  Howdy, hey.

• 0:11Speaker 00

  How you doing?

• 0:12Mark Normand?

  Hi, good.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Hi, Mark Chelsea, how are you? Where do you guys want me?

• 0:15Sam Morril?

  Right here, yeah.

• 0:16Speaker 00

  Okay, I love it.

• 0:16Mark Normand?

  That's your mic.

• 0:17Speaker 00

  Look at that, look at that.

• 0:18Sam Morril?

  Can we get you something to drink?

• 0:19Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah, I wanna drink.

• 0:22Mark Normand?

  No pressure, no pressure.

• 0:23Speaker 00

  Oh, I wanna drink, I love drinking.

• 0:25Sam Morril?

  We'll drink whatever you drink.

• 0:27Speaker 00

  I'll have a Tanqueray with a splash of soda. Who's making the drink?

• 0:30Mark Normand?

  The big man.

• 0:30Speaker 00

  Oh god, I don't know if you're gonna make it, right? Do you guys have short glasses or only these tall glasses?

• 0:36Sam Morril?

  We got everything you need.

• 0:37Mark Normand?

  Whatever you want.

• 0:38Speaker 00

  Do you have a dreidel? Oh my god!

• 0:39Mark Normand?

  I got a dreidel sippy cup.

• 0:41Speaker 00

  I like a short glass. I gotta go to Fallon after this, so I gotta get to Buzz.

• 0:47Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, well, he'll be buzzed.

• 0:48Speaker 00

  I need some one of those. So what's, so are you a comedian?

• 0:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 0:51Speaker 00

  Oh, sorry.

• 0:52Mark Normand?

  No, we met years ago with Amy Schumer.

• 0:54Sam Morril?

  This is all good.

• 0:55Speaker 00

  Oh, we did?

• 0:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well, you did some interview with her at an outdoor amphitheater in, I think, Santa Barbara?

• 1:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, in San Diego.

• 1:01Mark Normand?

  San Diego.

• 1:02Speaker 00

  Were you opening for her there?

• 1:03Mark Normand?

  I was, yeah.

• 1:04Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:04Mark Normand?

  That was a wild ride.

• 1:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, I remember that. You guys helicoptered in, right?

• 1:07Mark Normand?

  That's right.

• 1:08Speaker 00

  Mm.

• 1:09Mark Normand?

  Pre-Kobe.

• 1:09Speaker 00

  I don't, you can be generous with the ice, I love ice. I just came from Antarctica, so I was trying to get some more.

• 1:15Mark Normand?

  Not the Border Patrol.

• 1:16Sam Morril?

  Um, no, not Border Patrol.

• 1:18Speaker 00

  But don't be shy, fill it up with ice, please. I don't mean to be bossing you around, but I absolutely mean to be.

• 1:24Sam Morril?

  Now, we like it, we like having a bossy lady.

• 1:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know, you guys need some female energy in here, there's too many men, right?

• 1:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:30Speaker 00

  Oh, well, I'm so excited. Who DM'd me? You did?

• 1:33Mark Normand?

  I've DM'd you before, but not for this.

• 1:35Sam Morril?

  I, was it you?

• 1:36Speaker 00

  Somebody DM'd me. Look at that, working itself out. I love that.

• 1:39Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:40Speaker 00

  I love when shit works out like that.

• 1:41Sam Morril?

  By the way, congrats on the People's Choice Awards.

• 1:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah, four in a row.

• 1:43Speaker 00

  The Critics' Choice Awards.

• 1:44Sam Morril?

  Sorry.

• 1:45Speaker 00

  It's alright.

• 1:45Mark Normand?

  Nickelodeon Awards.

• 1:46Sam Morril?

  We both watched, though.

• 1:47Speaker 00

  You did?

• 1:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:48Mark Normand?

  The monologue.

• 1:49Sam Morril?

  Why?

• 1:49Speaker 00

  Oh, the monologue.

• 1:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:50Mark Normand?

  Oh, you were coming on.

• 1:51Speaker 00

  I just figure straight guys don't really watch shows like that.

• 1:53Sam Morril?

  No, we watched because you were coming on.

• 1:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:55Speaker 00

  Oh, thanks.

• 1:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:56Mark Normand?

  No, it was fun.

• 1:56Sam Morril?

  But I'm glad I watched, it was funny.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, thank you.

• 1:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:58Mark Normand?

  And we like jokes.

• 1:59Sam Morril?

  I love the Cialis line, the Sean Penn joke.

• 2:00Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 2:01Sam Morril?

  The opener's the most important joke.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  Uh huh, yeah.

• 2:04Sam Morril?

  And you, and you, and you nailed it.

• 2:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, thank you, thank you. I like those kinds of events. I like to go out and, and, and do that stuff. It's fun.

• 2:12Mark Normand?

  It's a tough gig.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  I look forward to looking these people in the eye and saying fucking shit, you know?

• 2:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:17Speaker 00

  It's, it's fun.

• 2:18Sam Morril?

  Has there ever been one that you regretted where you're like, eh, I'm gonna send that one?

• 2:22Speaker 00

  I don't really care.

• 2:22Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  You know what I mean?

• 2:24Sam Morril?

  Do you have a couple of drinks in you when you do it?

• 2:26Speaker 00

  I, I had, uh, no, I had probably a sip of a drink.

• 2:29Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 2:29Speaker 00

  Cause I had a bad cough and so I was trying to suppress it and, uh, thank you.

• 2:34Mark Normand?

  No cranberry?

• 2:34Speaker 00

  Appreciated that. No, just soda, right? You put a little soda in there? Yep. Great, love it.

• 2:38Mark Normand?

  I'll have what she's having.

• 2:39Sam Morril?

  I'll do one too, yeah. I would love one, yeah.

• 2:40Mark Normand?

  Yes, ma'am.

• 2:41Speaker 00

  Oh, I love those guys.

• 2:42Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 2:43Sam Morril?

  Cheers, cheers.

• 2:44Mark Normand?

  Lazel top.

• 2:45Sam Morril?

  Cheers. Nice to see you.

• 2:48Sam Morril?

  Ooh, that's good.

• 2:49Mark Normand?

  Woo!

• 2:50Sam Morril?

  I like that.

• 2:51Mark Normand?

  Tastes like summer.

• 2:54Speaker 00

  It is summer, actually. In Antarctica, it's summer right now.

• 2:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 2:58Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:59Mark Normand?

  There's no comedy over there, right?

• 3:00Speaker 00

  There, there, there is some comedy there, yeah.

• 3:02Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 3:03Speaker 00

  I don't know if it's worth going for the comedy, but there is comedy.

• 3:05Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  You can find comedy almost anywhere if you look hard enough.

• 3:08Mark Normand?

  I guess that's true. Syracuse, Rochester.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm, Buffalo.

• 3:12Mark Normand?

  Buffalo.

• 3:12Sam Morril?

  The three. Syracuse is the saddest.

• 3:15Mark Normand?

  That's the least favorite.

• 3:16Speaker 00

  Is it sadder than Buffalo?

• 3:17Sam Morril?

  Definitely, I think.

• 3:18Speaker 00

  You think so?

• 3:19Mark Normand?

  Way worse.

• 3:20Sam Morril?

  Way higher suicide rate, right?

• 3:22Speaker 00

  Buffalo is pretty bad.

• 3:24Sam Morril?

  Look at the jacket he's wearing, you're killing him right here.

• 3:26Speaker 00

  And Rochester. What about Rochester?

• 3:28Sam Morril?

  I like Rochester over Syracuse.

• 3:30Speaker 00

  Over Syracuse.

• 3:31Sam Morril?

  Definitely.

• 3:31Speaker 00

  Interesting.

• 3:32Sam Morril?

  I think Syracuse is where, everyone kills himself there, right? All the writers are there, there's like a brooding energy.

• 3:38Speaker 00

  What about Cleveland?

• 3:40Sam Morril?

  I like Cleveland.

• 3:41Mark Normand?

  Cleveland's got, uh, moments.

• 3:42Speaker 00

  I don't.

• 3:42Sam Morril?

  I think if you have sports teams, you have at least enough of enthusiasm or morale.

• 3:46Mark Normand?

  Some hope.

• 3:47Sam Morril?

  Sometimes.

• 3:48Speaker 00

  I've started betting on sports to, to gauge, to, to become, pique my interest.

• 3:52Mark Normand?

  Uh huh.

• 3:53Speaker 00

  I'm dating a guy who's really into gambling, or football, basketball gambling, and the only way for me to pay attention is to

• 4:00Sam Morril?

  Put money on it.

• 4:01Speaker 00

  Bet money on it.

• 4:02Sam Morril?

  They should be aiming these ads at women. That's a great point.

• 4:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, so like now I'm fucking in. I'm like, let's go. I'm like, let's put fucking five grand on this game.

• 4:08Sam Morril?

  Five grand?

• 4:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, we're up like fourteen grand right now.

• 4:11Sam Morril?

  Holy shit.

• 4:12Speaker 00

  We're gonna go to the Knicks game tonight. I'm gonna bet on that too.

• 4:15Sam Morril?

  They're playing the Clippers tonight.

• 4:16Speaker 00

  Ah, yeah. Yeah. So I'm gonna take the Knicks.

• 4:19Sam Morril?

  This is a must win. Good for you.

• 4:20Speaker 00

  I'm learning about spreads. I'm fucking into it. I mean, as soon as this relationship is over, I won't remember a thing. You know what I mean? But I do love to gamble.

• 4:27Sam Morril?

  No, you might take the gambling with you. It's fun.

• 4:29Speaker 00

  I love gambling. I love gambling. I love blackjack. When I go to Vegas, I have a residency in Vegas. Whenever I go there, I, I take everyone who comes to my shows. We all go out after. I give everyone money because I don't want to force people to gamble with their own money.

• 4:42Sam Morril?

  Sure.

• 4:42Speaker 00

  I give them money. We always win. If they lose, I go back and win my own money.

• 4:47Sam Morril?

  Damn, really?

• 4:48Speaker 00

  But I never leave without what I started with, ever. Not once has that happened.

• 4:52Sam Morril?

  Wow, I've never won once. I don't win. Well, I can't do math. I'm horrible at math. I get drunk and then I just put it all in one hand and then I just lose.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  No, I'm very calibrated. I'm quick. I like, I, I know what's, I'll, I'll split twos against a king if I'm feeling lucky and fucking win.

• 5:08Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 5:08Speaker 00

  I'm lucky. So when people gamble with me, they usually do win.

• 5:11Sam Morril?

  What about craps?

• 5:12Speaker 00

  Uh, I don't really know craps.

• 5:14Sam Morril?

  Too much.

• 5:15Speaker 00

  Roulette and craps, like, I just have to be, I have to have an advisor with me, someone else, another gambler.

• 5:20Sam Morril?

  Right, right. You bring Yamanika out, right?

• 5:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, I bring Yamanika out.

• 5:24Sam Morril?

  That's fun. She's fucking, yeah, well, she's fucking crazy. She's crazy.

• 5:27Speaker 00

  Bipolar.

• 5:28Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah, all that.

• 5:30Speaker 00

  You don't know what you're gonna get. She was a writer on the Critics Choice Awards for me. She was one of my writers.

• 5:34Sam Morril?

  Shit.

• 5:34Speaker 00

  So throughout the day, we're rehearsing, we're changing the jokes, we're crafting the monologue. And every time she comes into my trailer, it's like, you know, you don't know who the fuck is coming into your trailer. You don't know if she smoked a cigarette, a joint.

• 5:45Sam Morril?

  Right.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  She's in a good mood, if she's crying, you know, and she's a mess.

• 5:49Sam Morril?

  Yes.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  And she's, I mean, she's never-

• 5:51Sam Morril?

  She's not gonna get a lot of more writing work when you're talking about it like this. She's a disaster. She's on drugs.

• 5:58Speaker 00

  She's a drug addict. She's a prostitute.

• 6:03Sam Morril?

  Nazi pedophile. Keep going.

• 6:05Speaker 00

  She's not a Nazi. That is one thing she is not, is a Nazi.

• 6:09Sam Morril?

  They're not good writers, I don't think.

• 6:11Speaker 00

  No, they never have been.

• 6:12Sam Morril?

  No.

• 6:13Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 6:13Sam Morril?

  Hmm. Not good stuff. Hitler was, it was all performance.

• 6:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:16Sam Morril?

  The substance wasn't great.

• 6:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, there wasn't a lot of substance, but it seemed that the idea definitely took-

• 6:21Sam Morril?

  It took off, for sure.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  It definitely was-

• 6:24Sam Morril?

  It had Jewish producers, it felt like.

• 6:27Sam Morril?

  Very persuasive. No, that's a, that was awesome. I loved the Rob Reiner tribute at the end. That was

• 6:32Mark Normand?

  That was nice.

• 6:33Sam Morril?

  That was awesome.

• 6:33Speaker 00

  Oh, thanks. Yeah, I had spent some time with Rob Reiner and his wife, Michelle Reiner, in the last few months. Like, we had dinner a couple times, more than I would normally see them. I mean, I've known them for a long time, but, so it was particularly, we had dinner in Obama at a friend's house, and Obama showed up a few months ago last year. And so we kind of had this, like, really funny, crazy night that happened to all of us together. And then I had dinner with them again a few months ago, and with Maria Shriver also. And Rob was just kind of like the best guy that there is. He's like Adam Sandler, you know, the nicest guy to everybody. And also really like a good listener and a lover of like family and, you know, just the kind of guy you wanted to be your dad.

• 7:18Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 7:19Speaker 00

  Like, I wished he was my dad. My dad was a mess. You know, I would have liked a little of Rob Reiner in my life.

• 7:25Mark Normand?

  Of course.

• 7:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:26Mark Normand?

  And what a run.

• 7:27Sam Morril?

  And, yes, so talented, too.

• 7:28Mark Normand?

  So talented.

• 7:29Sam Morril?

  Like, that range is insane. To make, like, Misery and Princess Bride.

• 7:34Mark Normand?

  And Final Tap.

• 7:34Sam Morril?

  That's insane.

• 7:35Speaker 00

  Princess Bride was just amazing. Did he write that?

• 7:38Mark Normand?

  No, he directed.

• 7:39Sam Morril?

  Who wrote it?

• 7:40Mark Normand?

  That's a hell of a question. We got the Google bitch right here.

• 7:43Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 7:44Speaker 00

  What are we Googling, guys?

• 7:45Mark Normand?

  Who wrote it?

• 7:46Speaker 00

  Oh, I see. Is this how you operate your podcast? You just Google shit all day?

• 7:50Mark Normand?

  Is that right? Didn't he write Lord of the Flies?

• 7:53Speaker 00

  Oh, did he? He's cute, that guy.

• 7:55Mark Normand?

  That can't be right.

• 7:56Speaker 03

  He's a marathon man.

• 7:57Sam Morril?

  Oh, that's a good one.

• 7:59Mark Normand?

  Is it safe?

• 7:59Sam Morril?

  Dustin Hoffman, baby.

• 8:01Speaker 03

  Princess Bride, Avengers in Screen Trade, I guess.

• 8:04Mark Normand?

  How about that?

• 8:05Sam Morril?

  So, were you pretty close with Rob?

• 8:07Speaker 00

  No, I wouldn't say we were really close, but we, like, he's political, I'm political. We communicate a lot about that. We were in a lot of the same chats and group chats. And whenever we hung out, yeah, I had, I've been to their house and had dinners there. And, yeah, I mean, he's a, he's, yeah, I loved him. And I, I can't even imagine, it's just so... Horrifying to even think about what happened.

• 8:29Mark Normand?

  That's crazy.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  It's just so disturbing.

• 8:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 8:31Speaker 00

  That that's how he goes out, he and his wife.

• 8:33Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 8:34Speaker 00

  You know, that's how you go.

• 8:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 8:36Speaker 00

  That's your last, like, those kids that are his other two kids, like, how do you, how do you even

• 8:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 8:41Speaker 00

  get shit together?

• 8:42Mark Normand?

  And he brought them to parties.

• 8:43Speaker 00

  I know.

• 8:44Mark Normand?

  I want to go to Conan's party.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  No.

• 8:45Mark Normand?

  Yeah? What the hell?

• 8:47Speaker 00

  Why are you trying to get an invite to that? Do you know Conan?

• 8:49Mark Normand?

  I've done the show, but it's over.

• 8:51Speaker 00

  Well, you obviously didn't make that much of an impression.

• 8:53Mark Normand?

  I did it eight times, too.

• 8:54Sam Morril?

  Mark, Mark did one of the greatest things.

• 8:56Speaker 00

  Eight times, that's a lot.

• 8:57Sam Morril?

  The first time Mark did Conan.

• 8:59Mark Normand?

  Trying to get in with him.

• 8:59Sam Morril?

  He, this was a ballsy ass move. You were super young comedy. Mark killed, and then Conan came over to shake his hand, and Mark grabbed Conan's tie and dapped his forehead with it.

• 9:08Speaker 00

  I'm not gonna go over.

• 9:10Sam Morril?

  It did not go over.

• 9:11Mark Normand?

  No, he didn't like it.

• 9:11Sam Morril?

  We loved it at home.

• 9:12Mark Normand?

  Thank you.

• 9:13Sam Morril?

  It was big at home, but...

• 9:14Mark Normand?

  But, yeah, maybe that's why I didn't get the invite.

• 9:16Speaker 00

  That's funny. Yeah.

• 9:17Mark Normand?

  But, sweet man. Big fan, big fan of the Cone Zone.

• 9:20Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. And you want to, yeah, put it out there that you want to get invited. He said, actually, I bet you he's not having another Christmas party after that.

• 9:26Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 9:28Mark Normand?

  That's a good point.

• 9:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:29Sam Morril?

  Damn. Yeah, that was...

• 9:32Mark Normand?

  I'd kill my dad to go.

• 9:34Sam Morril?

  It's so, it's...

• 9:35Mark Normand?

  Sorry.

• 9:36Speaker 00

  Too soon.

• 9:37Mark Normand?

  All right. Well, this'll come out in a week.

• 9:40Sam Morril?

  So, uh, what's the process? I mean, how, how much do you run that set when you're doing that?

• 9:45Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:45Speaker 00

  For the Critics' Choice?

• 9:46Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 9:46Speaker 00

  Like, two times.

• 9:47Sam Morril?

  Really? At what, a comedy club or what?

• 9:49Speaker 00

  No, at rehearsal.

• 9:51Sam Morril?

  Oh, okay.

• 9:51Mark Normand?

  Wow, you see Nikki Glaser all over the place.

• 9:53Speaker 00

  I'm not one of those people that practices things a lot. I'm not interested. I mean, when I'm on tour, I do my show every night. But when I'm doing, uh, the Critics' Choice Awards, no, I'm not running around town running that set. I just, we write it, and I run it, like, twice or three times, maybe, in rehearsal, and then where you, and then, you know, it changes all the time, up until the last minute.

• 10:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 10:09Speaker 00

  Like, Leo was, was, was not gonna be in the audience, he was on his way. Timothy Chalamet was sick, so we had all these, like, opening bits. You kind of have to be really flexible, and you're like, well, that's not gonna work if Timothy's not in the audience. He was sick, so we, we didn't know when he was...

• 10:21Sam Morril?

  Tim, I know you have COVID, but I got a really good opener about, uh...

• 10:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, could you get in here? And then Leo was, you know, on his way, and he was gonna be in the audience, so then we're, I was like, let's just focus on Leo, let's do that bit.

• 10:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 10:32Speaker 00

  So we did that. But, uh, yeah, no, those things are just fun, and, uh, I like setting the tone for things. Like, I like walking out on a stage, kind of like, you know, when you're doing a show, stand-up.

• 10:41Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 10:41Speaker 00

  I like coming out on stage and being like, this is the vibe, this is what we're doing, let's bring it up.

• 10:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 10:47Speaker 00

  And everybody, like, set the tone for everybody to follow the tone.

• 10:50Mark Normand?

  You gotta tell Joe Coy how to do this.

• 10:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Joe Coy's got a different tone.

• 10:55Mark Normand?

  That's true, that's true, but yeah, it was a great set. You just look so poised, you have no fear in your face, no nerves or anything.

• 11:02Speaker 00

  Oh, well, thank you.

• 11:03Mark Normand?

  I don't know how you do it. I would have to run it over and over and...

• 11:06Speaker 00

  Really?

• 11:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 11:07Sam Morril?

  Yeah, we did a thing for Netflix where we just roasted the year and we ran it to death.

• 11:11Speaker 00

  Oh, really?

• 11:12Sam Morril?

  We did like a few a night, because we did it together and we just were playing off each other and we did a few a night.

• 11:16Mark Normand?

  It was tweaking and always rewriting and changing it, so...

• 11:19Speaker 00

  You know, I think it's probably from years of doing my talk shows and writing monologues every day that you just kind of get in the zone of monologue writing. So it's not like a feat. It's like, oh, I can write a mon... That's the easiest thing for me to write.

• 11:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 11:30Speaker 00

  Like a comp... Like a comprehensive look at all the movies and what's nominated.

• 11:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 11:35Speaker 00

  To me, I... I like... I can take in information and regurgitate it pretty well. So that's... That's a strength, like, that I do have that I am good at. So, yeah, I don't overthink shit.

• 11:45Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 11:45Sam Morril?

  Do you think about doing a talk show again?

• 11:48Speaker 00

  No.

• 11:49Sam Morril?

  No?

• 11:49Speaker 00

  No, my life is a fucking dream. I mean, there have been moments where the opportunities, like, seem to present themselves or, you know, possible opportunities. And I just can't be tied to a studio for five days a week in the si... in the same city. I would be, you know, I always say I'm open to talking about it, but I... I don't know. I'm a wa... I like to... I'm a wanderlust. I like to bounce around the world. We talked about this when you were on my podcast, because you said you don't really like to travel.

• 12:17Sam Morril?

  No, I like to travel, but I'm so burned out from touring that I'm usually like, I just want to stay in New York for a while.

• 12:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to just... I don't like to sit still for long. Like, I go to Whistler. I'm going to Whistler tomorrow. I have a ski place there. I spend my winters there. I have a nice little, like, you know, ski vibe going up there. And then, um, why am I talking about this?

• 12:39Mark Normand?

  Because you can't do a show and you're tied down.

• 12:42Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, I just...

• 12:43Sam Morril?

  We're good listeners, by the way.

• 12:43Speaker 00

  I have so much... Yeah, good. Good job, guys. Good job.

• 12:46Mark Normand?

  Married.

• 12:47Speaker 00

  I have so much freedom. My life is so free. And I feel so very... And I feel like it is the most valuable thing that no one tells you about when you're growing up, like, how to remain free.

• 12:57Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 12:57Speaker 00

  And my freedom is really important to me. I like the idea of not having to check in with one single fucking person about anything I do.

• 13:04Mark Normand?

  I gotta get a divorce. No, I'm just kidding.

• 13:07Speaker 00

  Get a divorce, Amy's getting one.

• 13:10Sam Morril?

  We gotta run it back.

• 13:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah, let's do it. But alright, I like that, cuz you know, people always say, would you ever do SNL? I'm like, that's a job. I'm a comic, I get to fuck around, write jokes, go on the road, it's great. I'm in a hotel room all day.

• 13:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, I like, as a woman also, like, there's a, I have a sense of, uh, of real, like, fierce independence. Like, I'm very serious about not relying on another person for anything. And so I like the way that I've kind of created my life. And I take it pretty seri- like, I take having a good time pretty seriously. I work my ass off, but when I'm not working, I'm having a really good time.

• 13:44Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 13:45Speaker 00

  And I, and I think that that is really, like, a really valuable, um, something I like to impart to, A, women, because, you know, we are, we try so hard sometimes.

• 13:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 13:56Speaker 00

  And you don't have to take things so seriously.

• 13:58Mark Normand?

  Hear, hear.

• 13:59Sam Morril?

  Yeah, we, I mean, we, we have a drinking podcast, we try not to take anything seriously. I mean, we complain about coming, we complain about coming to work, and they're like, what are you doing for work? We're like, getting drunk with my friend in the afternoon.

• 14:08Mark Normand?

  Comedians talking.

• 14:09Sam Morril?

  It's not that hard, yeah.

• 14:10Mark Normand?

  Telling jokes, it's a good time.

• 14:12Sam Morril?

  I, I heard you talking in one of the other monologues about how, you know, you hosted, you were one of the first female talk show hosts, and now there's no female talk show hosts?

• 14:22Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 14:22Sam Morril?

  Is there anyone you look at, like, if you don't wanna do it, you're like, she should have a talk show?

• 14:26Mark Normand?

  Ooh.

• 14:26Speaker 00

  I don't know, talk shows don't seem to be...

• 14:28Mark Normand?

  They're dying out.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  It's still not the thing right now.

• 14:30Sam Morril?

  I think they need to revamp it, though.

• 14:32Speaker 00

  They need to re, yeah, like, the Chelsea Lately style format would be great for somebody to do.

• 14:37Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 14:37Speaker 00

  I'm not interested in that, but I would love for somebody to do it. That's at least exciting, and you have, like, voices and comedians with different perspectives coming together, and it's entertaining. So that's a nice, that's a nice, like, kind of, um, format.

• 14:50Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 14:51Speaker 00

  But the talk show as it exists now, I mean, I think we're all kind of wrapped up, you know what I mean?

• 14:55Mark Normand?

  It's over.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  No one's blowing us, like, away.

• 14:57Mark Normand?

  That's why we're on a podcast.

• 14:58Speaker 00

  I mean, yeah, we're, uh, yeah, we're, I mean, Netflix just bought my podcast.

• 15:02Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 15:03Speaker 00

  To put on Netflix. Like, our podcasts are turning into the talk shows that weren't supposed to be on camera.

• 15:09Mark Normand?

  Hear, hear.

• 15:09Speaker 00

  I mean, it's just like a, like a circular drain.

• 15:12Mark Normand?

  Completely, yes.

• 15:13Sam Morril?

  Well, you know what's weird is, like, when they had silent movies, the logic... Logical next step was talking movies.

• 15:17Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 15:18Sam Morril?

  This is not a logical next step. It's like we went backwards.

• 15:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. It's like when the phones skip. They start out small and then they get bigger and bigger. And then you're talking on the phone on a fucking iPad. I thought we were having a flip phone. What happened? Everything is very cyclical. It just goes around and around and around. It's like, you know, like ABC, NBC, CBS.

• 15:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 15:38Speaker 00

  Then all this Netflix. And now they're all amalgamating and it's gonna be three networks again.

• 15:43Mark Normand?

  Right, right. Boy, that's crazy.

• 15:45Speaker 00

  It kind of all just kind of comes back to the basic. It stills back down to what it started as.

• 15:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah, like I listen to podcasts all day. It's just radio. I'm just back on radio. So that's true. But that show of yours, people don't give it due. It broke a ton of people. I was a young comic. I got to open for Sarah Colonna and all these comics, Natasha Leggero, because of your show.

• 16:06Speaker 00

  Oh, nice.

• 16:06Mark Normand?

  They all got a pop from that.

• 16:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:08Mark Normand?

  I don't know where the half of them are now, but they had a hell of a run.

• 16:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, they did. They did.

• 16:14Sam Morril?

  That started so nice and now you just insulted a bunch of them.

• 16:17Mark Normand?

  Well, no, Fortune Feimster's doing great. Bobby Lee's doing great.

• 16:20Speaker 00

  Bobby Lee's doing great. Who else was on that show? Lots of people. Kevin, yeah, Kevin Hart, Joe Boy, Whitney Spears.

• 16:28Mark Normand?

  Cummings. Whitney Spears.

• 16:31Speaker 00

  Whitney, what's Whitney's? Cummings. Whitney Cummings. Yeah, Whitney.

• 16:35Sam Morril?

  Whitney Spears, both danced with knives.

• 16:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:39Speaker 00

  Has either one of you ever had sex with Whitney Cummings?

• 16:41Sam Morril?

  No.

• 16:42Mark Normand?

  No, no, no.

• 16:43Sam Morril?

  We both tried, but no.

• 16:44Mark Normand?

  We're not crazy enough.

• 16:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, she's crazy. She's crazy. That would end badly.

• 16:47Mark Normand?

  I tried. She gave me so many pills, I passed out. Couldn't get through it. But, no, we've had her on here. She's fun.

• 16:54Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Whitney's a good time.

• 16:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah, but yeah, for all those people, that show was a launching pad. It was always a launching pad show and that was one of them.

• 17:01Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 17:02Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you made a lot of careers, a lot of comics careers. I think Josh Wolfe said he didn't really even do stand-up, right? Before, I mean, or maybe he didn't do it hard. I mean, a bunch of people we talked to, like, they were like, oh shit, I gotta get good at stand-up because I'm on Chelsea Show.

• 17:15Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 17:16Sam Morril?

  You know?

• 17:16Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, because it was a nice little like feeder for, yeah, you could go and get a, yeah, it was a great show. It was a great time. It was seven years and then I was like, fuck this. I can't really commit to things for like longer than seven years. Seven years is pretty much the, there's a reason why they say like the seven year itch.

• 17:32Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 17:33Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 17:33Speaker 00

  For work, for relationships, like seven years is pretty much is like pushing the limit of something.

• 17:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 17:38Speaker 00

  Everyone needs a break.

• 17:40Mark Normand?

  Yeah, no, I agree. You got something there.

• 17:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't want to commit to anything for more than a couple of years at most.

• 17:46Mark Normand?

  And the show is-

• 17:47Speaker 00

  I don't like that kind of long term.

• 17:49Mark Normand?

  The show is a hit, so why bring it, you know, it's like asking Seinfeld do another sitcom, you know, it's, you did it.

• 17:54Speaker 00

  Right.

• 17:54Mark Normand?

  It's over.

• 17:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's over. It's over. A lot, yeah, a lot of nostalgia. So that's nice, though.

• 17:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah. Would you do a talk show if you got offered?

• 18:02Sam Morril?

  I mean, we're kind of, we kind of do one. I, I, I, as she said, I guess it's true. It's not like if you want a NBC type show. I don't know. I, I mean, like, yeah, I, I like jokes, so I like, like the Weekend Update type thing. I like that type of thing.

• 18:16Speaker 00

  I like Bill Maher, even though I don't like Bill Maher. I like the show.

• 18:20Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 18:20Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 18:22Speaker 00

  I like watching that. I like that format. I like that.

• 18:25Sam Morril?

  It's a great format.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  Because that's a great, you're getting a great interview at the top, you're getting a great debate at the table, and then he does his new rules, and that's good, and-

• 18:32Sam Morril?

  And his writers are very good.

• 18:34Speaker 00

  And the writers are great, and he's really smart, and he can go back and forth and argue, and he's not a pussy about it.

• 18:39Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 18:39Speaker 00

  You know, so I appreciate that show a lot.

• 18:42Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 18:42Speaker 00

  I like that format.

• 18:43Sam Morril?

  Cable, but you know, that in a sense is like a structured podcast more than a talk show, you know, it's, it's uncensored. There's no breaks. I mean, it's, it doesn't feel like, I mean, even this has ad breaks.

• 18:55Mark Normand?

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• 19:35Mark Normand?

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• 19:45Mark Normand?

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• 20:17Sam Morril?

  Quince. Getting dressed for the fall should be easy. A good sweater, pants that fit, a jacket that keeps you warm. Somehow, buying those three things can cost you more than your vacation. Quince makes high-quality staples using premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere. That's a good cashmere, I guess.

• 20:34Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 20:35Sam Morril?

  Organic cotton, merino wool. You know I love merino wool.

• 20:39Mark Normand?

  That's the best wool.

• 20:39Sam Morril?

  That's that wool keeps your feet nice and warm in the winter.

• 20:42Mark Normand?

  Very nice.

• 20:43Sam Morril?

  Love merino wool. Their cashmere sweaters start at $60.00. That's wild. They also have premium down jackets, classic wool outerwear for when the temperature drops. Everything at Quince is priced 50% to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for quality instead of the brand markup. That's right, no kid labor, I would, I think. Sounds like no kid labor. Is it ethical, right? Uh, no animal testing, probably ethical.

• 21:10Mark Normand?

  Very good.

• 21:11Sam Morril?

  I, I wear their shit all the time.

• 21:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, I love Quince.

• 21:13Sam Morril?

  I love it, dude. I, it's quality, it fits right, and it's not expensive. I, I love it. And I like what, like, it's not the logo everywhere on it.

• 21:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah, true, true.

• 21:21Sam Morril?

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• 21:42Mark Normand?

  Thank you.

• 21:44Speaker 04

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• 22:09Mark Normand?

  That's true, but we don't have those annoying applause breaks. He gets an applause break every sentence. I'm like, alright, audience. He's okay.

• 22:15Speaker 00

  I also don't love when comics stand on stage and laugh at their own jokes. He does a lot of that.

• 22:21Sam Morril?

  Well, he didn't write half of them, probably. So he's like, this is the first time I'm hearing this. This is killer.

• 22:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, maybe. That's funny. But I don't love that. I don't love when people are like, huh huh huh, at their own shit. It's like, really? What are you laughing at?

• 22:31Mark Normand?

  So you don't like a Chappelle?

• 22:32Speaker 00

  Is he laughing? I haven't seen that.

• 22:33Mark Normand?

  Well, there's a lot of mic hitting.

• 22:35Sam Morril?

  The mic hitting.

• 22:36Speaker 00

  Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you mean, yeah.

• 22:40Sam Morril?

  I think it's a nervous, it's a nervous thing.

• 22:42Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 22:42Speaker 00

  You think Chappelle's nervous?

• 22:44Sam Morril?

  No, but I think, but I think it's a, yeah, maybe performance.

• 22:47Speaker 00

  Like a tic.

• 22:48Sam Morril?

  It's a tic, yeah. No, I don't think he's nervous, but I think it's like...

• 22:51Speaker 00

  I wonder what my tic is when I'm on stage to perform.

• 22:53Mark Normand?

  You touch your lip. I've seen that a lot.

• 22:56Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. You saw that once.

• 22:57Mark Normand?

  Once.

• 22:58Speaker 00

  When something was on my lip.

• 23:02Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's interesting. So you wrote like a bunch of books. I read, I read the horizontal life one. It's hilarious.

• 23:07Speaker 00

  Oh, you did?

• 23:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's very funny.

• 23:09Speaker 00

  That was about all my one-night stand.

• 23:10Sam Morril?

  It's a funny book.

• 23:11Mark Normand?

  My wife is a stack of those books.

• 23:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 23:13Mark Normand?

  Big fan.

• 23:14Speaker 00

  I love that.

• 23:15Sam Morril?

  How hard is that to just sit down and do? How long does that take you?

• 23:18Speaker 00

  Uh, you know, it depends on where you are in your life. I mean, I've written a lot of books. It's kind of crazy. I mean, I'm the only person in my family who's never gone to college, and I have seven New York Times bestsellers. So I'd like to fucking rub that in their faces.

• 23:29Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 23:30Speaker 00

  My brothers and sisters, there's six of us, and I'm the youngest. So that was nice. I mean, it's kind of crazy when I hear it, you know? And it's like, oh, you've written seven books and, um, uh... But it's, it's a good, uh, it's a good, uh, way to work your brain out. I mean, I'm all about like, there's a lot of crossover with stand-up in my books.

• 23:51Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 23:52Speaker 00

  There's a lot of like...

• 23:53Mark Normand?

  You put some act in there.

• 23:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, I put a lot in my stand-up or I'll take stuff from my books and be like, I've never done this on stage. I'll tell this story on stage. But yeah, I'm impressed with myself when I'm looking at the screen. I'm like, whoa, that is cool.

• 24:05Mark Normand?

  I don't know how you do it.

• 24:06Speaker 00

  Good for you. The first book deal I ever got, I got 35. Everyone said no. Everyone said no. They're like, this is too crazy.

• 24:12Sam Morril?

  And you pitch it as my one night stand.

• 24:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, Horizontal Life, A Collection of One Night Stands. It was like ten chapters about ten different one night stands.

• 24:17Sam Morril?

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:18Speaker 00

  And then everyone said no, they all passed, and then I got an offer from Bloomsbury, this UK publisher. They paid me thirty-five thousand dollars for my first book. That's what I got paid, thirty-five thousand dollars. Then they sold it in like two hundred and eleven countries or something crazy.

• 24:31Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 24:32Speaker 00

  And so I got all this money coming in from like these Frankfurt Book Fairs and da-da-da. And I was like, this is amazing. Maybe I'll just be an author.

• 24:37Sam Morril?

  Right.

• 24:38Speaker 00

  And every author's like, don't be an author. It's fucking a nightmare. But that was what I got for my first book, was thirty-five thousand dollars. And then my second book, I got two million dollars.

• 24:46Sam Morril?

  Oh, shit.

• 24:47Speaker 00

  And I was like, whoa.

• 24:48Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 24:49Speaker 00

  Holy shit.

• 24:50Sam Morril?

  That's a nice jump.

• 24:51Speaker 00

  I know.

• 24:52Sam Morril?

  Holy shit.

• 24:53Speaker 00

  I know. So that was really cool.

• 24:54Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 24:55Speaker 00

  Yeah. And then sometimes, you know, when you have a huge book hit, you just, you get these residuals every year, and you're like, you get checks for like amounts of money you can't even imagine seeing.

• 25:04Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 25:05Speaker 00

  And that just show up and you have no idea. So it's a great way to make a living. Whoever told me not to do that was an idiot.

• 25:12Mark Normand?

  That's incredible.

• 25:13Sam Morril?

  But it must be so rare, like writing a hit book.

• 25:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't know.

• 25:17Sam Morril?

  I feel like people don't read like they used to.

• 25:19Mark Normand?

  Hitler wrote a book.

• 25:20Sam Morril?

  He wrote a big one.

• 25:21Mark Normand?

  He's got a big one.

• 25:22Speaker 00

  That was a beautiful book.

• 25:23Mark Normand?

  Still selling.

• 25:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, it is.

• 25:25Mark Normand?

  Quite well, actually.

• 25:26Speaker 00

  It's funny that they haven't banned that book.

• 25:27Sam Morril?

  You're right, they're banning Mouse, but not that. What the fuck?

• 25:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah, things are off.

• 25:32Sam Morril?

  No.

• 25:33Mark Normand?

  We have Nick Fuentes on next time. But, yeah, no.

• 25:37Sam Morril?

  Um, to joke with you.

• 25:39Mark Normand?

  I have a, I have a baby now, and I'm reading all these kids books.

• 25:41Speaker 00

  How did you get a baby?

• 25:42Mark Normand?

  I had a jizz in a lady.

• 25:44Speaker 00

  Oh, my God. How many babies do you have?

• 25:46Mark Normand?

  Just one.

• 25:47Speaker 00

  Oh, that's too many.

• 25:48Mark Normand?

  He's at a Somali daycare right now. No. But, uh, he, we have all these kids books, and they're so stupid. It's like the cat went-

• 25:55Sam Morril?

  I think I got you a couple of them, too.

• 25:56Mark Normand?

  Thank you.

• 25:57Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 25:58Mark Normand?

  But it's like the cat went meow. That's one page. Second page, like, the clock goes tick, and you're like, boy, this is a-

• 26:03Speaker 00

  It's a short book.

• 26:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah. You're like, this guy's probably a zillionaire.

• 26:06Speaker 00

  Mm.

• 26:07Mark Normand?

  Good Night Moon? That book's in every house in America.

• 26:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's a good book.

• 26:10Mark Normand?

  It's good.

• 26:11Speaker 00

  Good Night Moon. I mean, I'm still confused about where the moon and the sun are, but I, I mean, it didn't really lay anything out for me quite honestly.

• 26:16Mark Normand?

  There's holes in it, I think.

• 26:17Speaker 00

  But the moon is always a good subject matter.

• 26:19Sam Morril?

  It's the rhythm, really. It's like-

• 26:20Speaker 00

  It's a constant in our lives.

• 26:21Sam Morril?

  It's like a lullaby, almost.

• 26:22Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes. We do it before he falls asleep. He loves the book, but I don't get it. A cow jumps over the moon. That's a whole page. Crazy. It's insane.

• 26:31Sam Morril?

  It sounds like a sort of a Seinfeld bit.

• 26:34Mark Normand?

  Well, see, that's a real book, though.

• 26:35Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 26:36Mark Normand?

  I'll have what she's having.

• 26:37Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm, that's right.

• 26:39Mark Normand?

  You did it.

• 26:39Sam Morril?

  Were there any authors here like, this is who I want to like David Sedaris?

• 26:43Speaker 00

  David Sedaris.

• 26:43Sam Morril?

  I figured you'd say, yeah, he's so funny.

• 26:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, I read his books. I didn't realize, like, that you could write books that didn't connect to anything, that you could just write disparate chapters about whatever and have like... So when I read David, like, I read Barrel Fever, you know, Naked, or one of those at first. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is, I could do this. This is what I want to do, is like, write just ten short stories and put them together like a book of essays. And as soon as I realized that you could do that and there's a formula for that, then I was like, oh, okay. So that's how my first book, I mean, I've told David this when I've seen him. I'm like, you're responsible for my writing career. He's like, I don't want that responsibility. But, uh, yeah, he's, that's gotta be, that was like the first book. Barrel Fever was like the first book that I had read where I just was fucking laughing out loud.

• 27:28Speaker 00

  Like, you know, when you laugh out loud reading a book, like, that's not very common.

• 27:31Mark Normand?

  No, no.

• 27:32Speaker 00

  So that was fun. And I loved that feeling that it invoked and evoked. I was like, this is cool. If I can make people like howl like this with my storytelling, I, then I would, that's exactly what I'm after.

• 27:45Mark Normand?

  Totally, totally.

• 27:47Speaker 00

  And in, and in, and in the beginning of my career, it was very much about the funny, funny, funny, funny. As I got older, it became more, you know, like colorful and more evolved and like there was more depth. But in the beginning, it was just jokes, you know? I wanted people to laugh and make people laugh. So that was a great, um, it was great for me to be able to like, use his template and, and make something.

• 28:07Mark Normand?

  Totally. And I don't think there was a ton of books by women about, here's all the guys I fucked. That's why my wife was like, this is so cool. This is, I've never read this shit before.

• 28:14Speaker 00

  I know.

• 28:15Sam Morril?

  That's why I read it. I was like, I've never heard a woman talk like this. I was kind of like, this is cool.

• 28:19Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, yeah, because that's what we're all doing in our twenties. I mean, not all of us, but most of us. We're fucking guys, you know what I mean? Just like guys are fucking women. And for some reason, we're not supposed to be talking about it. Like, why not?

• 28:31Mark Normand?

  I know, I agree.

• 28:32Speaker 00

  I want to talk about that stuff.

• 28:33Mark Normand?

  Bring it on. We want to hear it. Cause women are in the dark usually about that. So I'm like, let's, let's get it out.

• 28:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 28:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I felt like I was reading the other team's playbook. I was like, this is fucking cool.

• 28:41Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 28:42Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 28:42Mark Normand?

  Cause we don't know what the hell's going on. So we want to, we want to hear your thoughts. Get some insight.

• 28:46Speaker 00

  No, you definitely don't know what's going on. I feel bad for guys. You guys don't know what's going on.

• 28:50Mark Normand?

  Clueless.

• 28:51Speaker 00

  What do you think is going on?

• 28:54Sam Morril?

  I just know it's bad.

• 28:55Mark Normand?

  It's a big question.

• 28:56Sam Morril?

  That's all I know.

• 28:58Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I don't know what's going on in that head, but we wanna know. But then women get mad if you don't know. It's tough.

• 29:04Speaker 00

  It is hard. It must be hard for men because it's confusing. It's confusing. You're being told a lot of things and you don't know which what's right, what's wrong. You don't wanna fuck up, but you can't help yourselves.

• 29:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 29:15Speaker 00

  And it's hard being a straight white guy if you're sensitive and you feel like you're constantly being attacked by the female race.

• 29:23Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 29:23Speaker 00

  Or sex.

• 29:24Mark Normand?

  I'm okay with that. I'm used to that, yeah.

• 29:27Speaker 00

  Oh, well, that's good. That's a good attitude.

• 29:28Mark Normand?

  But it's just tough because, you know, I think we go, women do this, or women are like that. But if women are nuanced and different and complex, you know, like half.

• 29:36Speaker 00

  I feel like more like a dude than I feel like a woman, even though I'm a woman.

• 29:39Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 29:40Speaker 00

  I'm a woman, but I, I, my, my tendency is male. I want, I'm more like a guy. I'm not interested in the things that most girls are interested in.

• 29:48Mark Normand?

  Yes, exactly.

• 29:49Speaker 00

  I'm not looking for, you know, jewelry and boyfriends and that. I'm looking for like good times.

• 29:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 29:56Speaker 00

  Casual sex, randoms.

• 29:58Mark Normand?

  Jesus.

• 29:59Speaker 00

  Travel, adventure. I'm like, you know, I'm like a thrill seeker, so.

• 30:03Mark Normand?

  It's too bad you're taken. I feel there's a real, there's something here.

• 30:06Speaker 00

  Between Sam and me?

• 30:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 30:07Speaker 00

  Oh, you feel chemistry between us?

• 30:08Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, well, he likes, uh, blonde, he likes.

• 30:11Speaker 00

  Do you like blondes?

• 30:11Sam Morril?

  I do, I, I guess I date a lot of blondes.

• 30:14Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:14Speaker 00

  Who else did you date? I only know about Taylor Tomlinson that you dated.

• 30:17Sam Morril?

  I don't wanna say the names of the others.

• 30:18Speaker 00

  Why not?

• 30:19Sam Morril?

  I don't wanna.

• 30:19Speaker 00

  Why? Nikki, Glazer?

• 30:21Sam Morril?

  No, I didn't, no.

• 30:22Speaker 00

  Who else is blonde? Amy Schumer?

• 30:23Sam Morril?

  No other comics, no, no, no.

• 30:25Speaker 00

  Oh, okay. Any other comics you dated?

• 30:27Mark Normand?

  Judy Gold for a minute.

• 30:28Sam Morril?

  I fucked Judy Gold a bunch.

• 30:29Speaker 00

  You fucked Judy Gold?

• 30:30Sam Morril?

  Many times, yeah.

• 30:31Speaker 00

  Really?

• 30:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:32Speaker 00

  Well, when was this?

• 30:33Mark Normand?

  Eighty-eight?

• 30:34Sam Morril?

  Yeah, eighty-eight.

• 30:35Speaker 00

  Eighty-eight?

• 30:36Sam Morril?

  I was, I was two years old, it was, I used a strap on to fuck her, my dick wouldn't work yet, but, uh.

• 30:41Mark Normand?

  You turned her.

• 30:42Sam Morril?

  I turned her, yeah.

• 30:43Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 30:43Sam Morril?

  She was like, this isn't working for me.

• 30:44Speaker 00

  You turned her into a comic. That's what you turned her into. She was like, oh, she didn't do comedy before that.

• 30:50Mark Normand?

  Right, thanks a lot, Sam.

• 30:52Sam Morril?

  No, but I feel like you spend your money on like memories and stuff, which is cool, like experiences and not super like you're not, doesn't seem like material.

• 30:59Speaker 00

  I mean, I like nice things, but I'm also, yeah, no, I like a nice, comfortable lifestyle, but I'm also not serious about, you know, marriage, children and all that stuff. That's never been in my, in my purview. I'm not interested.

• 31:12Mark Normand?

  To me, that's just logical.

• 31:13Speaker 00

  I want to be untethered.

• 31:14Mark Normand?

  I love this. This is great.

• 31:15Speaker 00

  You know, I don't want to check in with anyone about what I'm up to.

• 31:17Mark Normand?

  Here, here. You're speaking my language, sister.

• 31:20Sam Morril?

  No, I get, do you feel smothered easily in a relationship? I totally sense that, yeah.

• 31:24Speaker 00

  Do you? Do you feel that way?

• 31:25Sam Morril?

  Of course, yeah.

• 31:26Mark Normand?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 31:27Speaker 00

  No, no, I mean, do you feel smothered when you're in a relationship?

• 31:29Sam Morril?

  Yes, of course. I also, yeah, i- if they start doing stuff in my apartment, I start to be like, ooh, this is making me crazy.

• 31:37Mark Normand?

  I'm with you.

• 31:37Sam Morril?

  Like, I had a girl over and she just put one of my sweatshirts in the dirty laundry bin and it wasn't dirty and I was like, ooh, just a little thing.

• 31:46Mark Normand?

  Colonizing.

• 31:47Sam Morril?

  Another thing that, I'll give you another peeve, was I had a girl over and we, we had dinner pretty late and she's like, let's get in the bed. And I was like, no, what is this, my 600 pound life? I don't want to get in the fucking bed. We just ate. I want to, I want to like sit up for a while.

• 32:01Mark Normand?

  Yes, to digest.

• 32:02Sam Morril?

  It annoyed me. I don't want to.

• 32:03Speaker 00

  That's really funny. That is not a thing on my radar, but I've heard like three people say similar things to what you just said in the last couple of months, going, I can't fuck you when I'm this full. And I'm like, full fucking.

• 32:15Sam Morril?

  No, she meant get in the bed to go to sleep. She didn't even mean to fuck.

• 32:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, oh, oh, oh.

• 32:19Sam Morril?

  I could have figured out sex that bloated. It would have been awful, but I would have done it.

• 32:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, right, right. You can't go to sleep full.

• 32:25Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 32:25Speaker 00

  Sometimes I need like a half a bagel to go to sleep. Like if I wake up at four in the morning and I'm like, I'm like, I have to have a bite of something so I can go back to sleep.

• 32:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 32:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, I eat in the middle of the night a lot. I eat a lot. I have to eat very frequently. I don't eat a lot, but I eat often.

• 32:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah, but you've had some fun relationships. How was, uh, Fiddy is having a hell of a moment.

• 32:44Speaker 00

  I love what he's doing in Diddy, Fiddy. I love what Fiddy's doing in Diddy.

• 32:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah, there he is.

• 32:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's relentless. Fiddy's great. He's great. I should probably revisit that.

• 32:54Mark Normand?

  Hell yeah.

• 32:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, people like that a lot.

• 32:56Sam Morril?

  I bet a lot of his exes are like, we should run it back.

• 32:58Speaker 00

  I know, but you know, he would, I'm the only one he doesn't ever talk shit about.

• 33:02Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 33:03Speaker 00

  Apparently the whole like, yeah, cause I did, I heard somebody was saying that he talks shit about all of his exes. And I'm one of the only ones he talks about respectfully. And I was like, he's not gonna have anything bad to say about me. I'm a dream. For him, I was a dream.

• 33:17Sam Morril?

  You didn't ask for anything out of him.

• 33:18Speaker 00

  No, no, not at all.

• 33:20Sam Morril?

  Maybe the first person that felt smothered by 50 Cent.

• 33:23Speaker 00

  You know what I didn't like about 50 Cent is he doesn't do drugs and I do drugs. And so it was very shocking to find out that, what's this from?

• 33:32Mark Normand?

  He's in the new Street Fighter movie.

• 33:33Speaker 00

  Oh, is he?

• 33:34Mark Normand?

  He's playing this character here.

• 33:35Speaker 00

  It's funny, yeah, look, yeah, look at him. He's, yeah, he's gotten bigger.

• 33:40Mark Normand?

  Tough look.

• 33:40Speaker 00

  But he, he would come over to my house with like different cars. When we were dating, I had this house on Mandeville Canyon and he would get like a Ferrari or get like a Rolls Royce for the day. It's like a borrow from these dealerships and he would show up at my house in a different fucking souped up car all the time. And I didn't understand how that was working. And then I found out that he just goes and he's like 50 Cent and he's like, hey, I'm gonna borrow this Rolls Royce for the week or whatever. Or for the day, give it to me for a test drive. So then one day I went and I was like, all right, I'm gonna fuck with him. And I went and got a chocolate Bentley and I was like, all right, but I bought it. I didn't know you could borrow it.

• 34:14Mark Normand?

  Oh, no.

• 34:14Speaker 00

  So I bought a fucking Bentley.

• 34:15Mark Normand?

  What's a half a mil?

• 34:17Speaker 00

  And then we broke up. So I'm driving around in a chocolate Bentley with like cream leather seats for like four years, like a dick.

• 34:24Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 34:25Speaker 00

  You know, like this blonde bitch, I'm gonna be driving back and forth to the studio in my Bentley.

• 34:29Sam Morril?

  That's a story though.

• 34:30Speaker 00

  The car is, but the car was so gorgeous, but it's like a $350,000 car. It's absolutely unnecessary.

• 34:37Mark Normand?

  Wow, chocolate too.

• 34:38Speaker 00

  So that was fun. I got, yeah, and chocolate. So I got it as a joke and then I was like, well, I guess I, I guess I'm stuck with this car.

• 34:45Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 34:46Sam Morril?

  That is hilarious. So he just pulls up and is like, can I have this car for two weeks? And they just give him a car?

• 34:50Speaker 00

  Or a loaner, like for a day or two. He's like, oh, I wanna try this yellow Ferrari.

• 34:55Mark Normand?

  Wow, that's how we do like with jackets. He's just doing that with cars, like I wanna mix it up. That's pretty badass.

• 35:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, I have a fun dating history. I dated a lot of fun people.

• 35:04Sam Morril?

  50 Cent?

• 35:05Speaker 00

  50 Cent.

• 35:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah, who else you got?

• 35:07Speaker 00

  I got a guy now that's coming in, he's flying in right now to meet me. We're gonna go to the Knicks game tonight. I have Fallon after this.

• 35:12Mark Normand?

  Hell yeah.

• 35:13Speaker 00

  I'm gonna go do Fallon, he's gonna show up at Fallon, we're gonna go to the Knicks game, we're gonna bet money on that game. We're gonna sit probably courtside, I'm assuming.

• 35:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, baby.

• 35:20Speaker 00

  And my sister's gonna join us. And then I'm gonna go have sex with him in my hotel room and then I'm gonna fly to Whistler tomorrow. So, I mean, things are going-

• 35:27Sam Morril?

  That's a good life.

• 35:27Mark Normand?

  This is your life, Knicks game.

• 35:29Sam Morril?

  I do, I go to a lot of Knicks games.

• 35:30Mark Normand?

  No commitment.

• 35:31Speaker 00

  Do you go to a lot of Knicks games? Are you going tonight to the Knicks game?

• 35:33Sam Morril?

  No, I went on Christmas, uh, that was an awesome one.

• 35:36Speaker 00

  Oh, that's-

• 35:37Sam Morril?

  No, they're on a four-game losing skid right now.

• 35:39Speaker 00

  But they're gonna change it tonight.

• 35:40Sam Morril?

  They're gonna win tonight.

• 35:40Speaker 00

  Watch, watch.

• 35:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah, this is the game. Uh, they need it.

• 35:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're playing, they're playing the Clippers, right?

• 35:45Mark Normand?

  Clippers, yeah.

• 35:46Speaker 00

  Is it-

• 35:47Sam Morril?

  He's a Clippers fan back there, fuck the Clippers.

• 35:48Speaker 00

  Are they good?

• 35:49Sam Morril?

  No, they have good players, but they do-

• 35:50Speaker 00

  Who's favorite to win? Oh, look at this guy I dated, Ted Harbor. Oh my god, that's embarrassing.

• 35:54Mark Normand?

  I don't know Harbor.

• 35:55Speaker 00

  He, it's Har- he used to run the E Network when I was there and then we broke up-

• 35:59Mark Normand?

  Awkward.

• 35:59Speaker 00

  While I was, you know, he was my boss. That was really awkward.

• 36:02Mark Normand?

  Ooh.

• 36:03Sam Morril?

  How does that, what do you do in that situation?

• 36:05Speaker 00

  I just had to move out. That was the animal trainer I dated, Dave Salmoni. He was, he was-

• 36:10Mark Normand?

  What a man.

• 36:11Speaker 00

  Canadian.

• 36:12Mark Normand?

  Put me in a cage.

• 36:13Sam Morril?

  Good-looking dude.

• 36:13Mark Normand?

  Wait, Canadian?

• 36:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was Canadian.

• 36:16Mark Normand?

  That's no good.

• 36:16Speaker 00

  Wow, it's like I don't have a type, you guys.

• 36:19Sam Morril?

  You're all over the map, this is cool.

• 36:21Speaker 00

  This is, oh yeah, there's Andre Balas, he looks real fucked up in that picture.

• 36:24Sam Morril?

  Other than fifty, you kinda have a type, though.

• 36:25Speaker 00

  What's the type?

• 36:26Mark Normand?

  This is a hunk.

• 36:27Sam Morril?

  Kinda like handsome, uh, older dude, I don't know.

• 36:29Mark Normand?

  Dapper?

• 36:30Speaker 00

  Well, now I'm going younger. The guy I'm dating now is thirty-six. I had to flip it and reverse it, cause now I'm fifty, so I have to like, you know, go in the opposite direction.

• 36:37Sam Morril?

  Okay, you don't have a type, I take it back.

• 36:38Mark Normand?

  Take it all back.

• 36:39Sam Morril?

  You definitely don't have a type.

• 36:40Mark Normand?

  Jeez.

• 36:41Sam Morril?

  That was a curveball right there.

• 36:42Mark Normand?

  No one saw that coming.

• 36:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, Joe Coy is a curveball. Are you guys friends with Joe Coy?

• 36:46Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, sweetest man on the planet.

• 36:47Sam Morril?

  I don't think I've ever met him.

• 36:48Speaker 00

  Really?

• 36:49Mark Normand?

  Great guy, great guy.

• 36:50Speaker 00

  Shut up!

• 36:50Sam Morril?

  I know, I know he is, obviously.

• 36:51Speaker 00

  How's that possible, Sam?

• 36:52Sam Morril?

  I don't know, we've never crossed paths.

• 36:54Mark Normand?

  He's a two-hand show. Hello, how are you? He's one of those guys. He's all heart.

• 36:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, he is a sweetheart, he's a sweetheart.

• 37:00Mark Normand?

  And I think one of the top, uh, grossing comedians last year. He's in the top ten. He does very well.

• 37:06Sam Morril?

  Nice.

• 37:07Mark Normand?

  He's got a plaque at the Irvine Improv. Most shows sold, I think it was thirty-one sold out in a row.

• 37:11Sam Morril?

  Who would wanna be in Irvine for thirty-one shows?

• 37:13Speaker 00

  Joe Coy.

• 37:13Sam Morril?

  That's crazy. It's a great club. I love that club.

• 37:16Speaker 00

  I do like that. I like to warm up my shows. When I'm doing a new hour, I like to go to the Irvine Improv. That's a fun club.

• 37:20Mark Normand?

  Great room.

• 37:21Speaker 00

  Or Brea Improv, too, is fun.

• 37:22Mark Normand?

  I'm there in a week.

• 37:23Speaker 00

  And you know what else I like? Zany's in Nashville. That's a fun club to warm up.

• 37:26Sam Morril?

  I like all the Zany's, they're just classic, yeah.

• 37:29Speaker 00

  I always had, you know-

• 37:30Mark Normand?

  Number eight.

• 37:30Speaker 00

  Uh, Joe, wow, twenty million dollars. Look at that.

• 37:34Mark Normand?

  Might have to give him a call.

• 37:34Speaker 00

  Sebastian Maniscalco, forty-two million dollars. Is this for the last year?

• 37:40Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 37:41Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 37:41Mark Normand?

  It's only a few shows. It's like, it'll do like sixty shows in a year and make that much money.

• 37:45Speaker 00

  Oh, there's Nikki on there, nineteen point five million dollars.

• 37:47Mark Normand?

  Keeping the ladies alive. I just sent her jokes for the, uh, Gold- Golden Globes, yeah.

• 37:53Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, she's got that this weekend.

• 37:55Mark Normand?

  Second time. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

• 37:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah, no, she killed it, I thought. I thought that was great.

• 38:01Mark Normand?

  Wow, look at that. Nate Bargatze, man, clean comedy, that's the way to go. I think it's too late for us, dude. Yeah, you're right. Then we missed that boat. Twenty minutes on pedos.

• 38:11Speaker 00

  Ah, that's funny.

• 38:13Mark Normand?

  Damn. Alright, sorry.

• 38:15Sam Morril?

  I remember seeing you at Caroline's way back in the day, open for a tell, and I was like, she's funny. It was you and Big Jay Okerson. It was a good show. I was like, this is pretty cool.

• 38:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, Jay Davis, I mean, that was like the first, uh, once, uh, one of the first gigs I ever did was the San Francisco Punch Line.

• 38:29Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 38:29Speaker 00

  And I was the opener. Zach Alfenakis was the middle, and David Tell was the headliner.

• 38:34Sam Morril?

  Holy shit.

• 38:34Speaker 00

  I talk about a week of, it was so, and I was very green and new, and I had no idea what I was doing, and I was doing terribly. And they were so good to me, and so nice to me, and I had so, I was so broke that Zach Alfenakis, did I tell you this story when you did my podcast? Zach Alfenakis, I, he was staying at the Commodore Hotel, because that's where they would put us up, or the, the real acts, you know, when you're opener, you don't get bidding put up anywhere. You're making like fucking fifty dollars a night or something. I went to the improv the other day, in LA, and they gave me a check for a thousand dollars, or the Comedy Store, they gave me a check for a thousand dollars for my set. I'm like, what, what is this? And they're like, that's how much you get paid now. I'm like, a thousand dollars? I'm like, I got paid ten dollars.

• 39:13Sam Morril?

  This isn't happening in New York right now.

• 39:14Speaker 00

  It's not.

• 39:15Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 39:16Speaker 00

  I went to the improv, I made five hundred, and at the Comedy Store, they gave me a check for a thousand dollars.

• 39:20Mark Normand?

  That's insane.

• 39:21Speaker 00

  Cash, they handed me.

• 39:22Mark Normand?

  Cash?

• 39:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think I turned around and just gave it straight to the waitress, because I was like, this is unexpected.

• 39:26Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 39:27Speaker 00

  Anyway, uh, I was, oh, so we were at the Commodore Hotel, and I couldn't really afford, you know, I was broke, and, and Zach's like, you know, you can sleep, I was sleeping at, crashing at someone's house, and he goes, you can sleep in my hotel room if you want, I won't, I won't do anything, and I was like, you know, Zach's very not threatening, and I was like, okay, so I'd sleep, and then, and then every night, we, I'd get in bed, and he'd sleep, and I'd be like, okay, you know, and he would go, and he'd come and whisper in my ear, and he'd go, For rape.

• 39:55Sam Morril?

  That's really funny.

• 39:56Mark Normand?

  That's comedy.

• 39:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:58Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 39:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, Zach was a sweetheart. He was real sweet.

• 40:02Sam Morril?

  That line's all about the delivery, too. You really got it.

• 40:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, Zach is just, Zach is one of the funniest people of all time. I remember when I was at the Montreal Comedy Festival for the first time and I bombed so badly, I ate shit. And I was like the it girl and everyone was there to see me and it was like huge stakes for me. And I was like in my, I was 28 or something, so nervous. And I get up and I ate it, you know, just green, like started doing it really fast and didn't get the response I wanted and just started panicking. And Zach, I got off stage and everyone in the industry, it was like standing room only. That was my shot. And they were like, mm, you know, geez, this is that girl, this is way too premature. She's not ready.

• 40:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 40:48Speaker 00

  And I get off stage and Zach walks me back to my hotel room and he's like, you're gonna want to be alone now.

• 40:54Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 40:54Speaker 00

  There's nothing I can do to help you. You're just gonna have to sit here and deal with this.

• 40:58Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 40:58Speaker 00

  And, uh, yeah. And I was like, okay, thank you for that great advice. And then I ended up, uh, going back to LA and there was one executive that didn't see me perform. Her name was Grace Wu from NBC. She still works at Peacock. And she wanted to see my set and I did it at Luna Park on a Tuesday night in LA and crushed it. And I got my first development deal for NBC for my own show. But it was literally 72 hours after like the worst failure of my professional life. Like, and, and I thought it was over and I'm like, I obviously can't be a comic. Everyone thinks I suck now.

• 41:34Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 41:35Speaker 00

  And there was one fucking person. And, uh, I like to tell that story because it's good for people to know, you know, you never know when something's coming right around the corner. Even your biggest failures.

• 41:44Mark Normand?

  Yes, that's rare.

• 41:46Speaker 00

  Things can happen that you're not expecting.

• 41:48Mark Normand?

  How about that? Happy ending.

• 41:49Speaker 00

  Yeah. Did you have any big failures?

• 41:52Mark Normand?

  Uh, many.

• 41:53Sam Morril?

  Relationship. Many, yeah.

• 41:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 41:57Sam Morril?

  Yeah, horrible shows. I remember Broadway Comedy Club, this one sticks in my mind. A guy spat on me while I was on stage. That felt pretty rough.

• 42:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, that is rough.

• 42:05Sam Morril?

  I, it sucks when you hear the, and you're like, that's gonna end badly for me.

• 42:08Mark Normand?

  I was drinking a lot at the time. Yeah, we've all had though. I've bombed on the the Conans or the late nights before.

• 42:15Sam Morril?

  Yeah, there's so many. Oh, yeah, that my first Conan, I I like the jokes. I don't like the set. Some of those.

• 42:21Speaker 00

  How do you like the jokes and not like the set?

• 42:24Sam Morril?

  Cause I'd run the jokes and I liked them. I just thought they were just so tight. Sometimes the crowd just tight.

• 42:29Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 42:29Sam Morril?

  You know, it's five o'clock in Burbank. It's not like.

• 42:32Speaker 00

  Right. I just remember, you know what I remember about like the first time I would ever do like Jay Leno? I was a correspondent for Jay for a few times and then they had me do stand up. And that level of nervousness from the beginning of our careers. I almost miss that level of scared.

• 42:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 42:51Speaker 00

  Like I, that is a, an electrifying feeling. It's not welcome necessarily. You don't love it. But it's, it really means you're in it. Like, sometimes I wish I could feel that scare.

• 43:04Sam Morril?

  It means you're in it, but it also means that you might be not equipped yet to handle this moment. Cause I remember, I remember I did a roast at the Friars Club when I was like 21. And I bombed so fucking hard. It was for Omarosa from The Apprentice. And oh my God, did I bomb and Paul Mooney's the roast master and he bombed too. And he gave me the worst intro ever. I ate it. The intro was like, I had no credit. So I think my intro was like, this comedian likes, uh, Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks, uh, and Richard Pryor. I knew all of them. They're all dead. Sam Morril. I was like, alright. It panned to me being like, eh, like panicking, bombed. And I remember Rich Voss going on after me. And he bombed his first line. He goes.

• 43:46Speaker 00

  Rich Voss still alive?

• 43:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah, he is. He is. Barely. But, uh, he, his first line was, uh, he bombed whatever he said. And then he goes, if you guys don't laugh, I'm bringing Sam back up. And that crushed. And I was like, ooh. That was that moment. I was like, ooh, I was like, should I not do this? This is fucking, that was one of those for sure.

• 44:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's a good line.

• 44:05Sam Morril?

  It was, I, I had to give it to him. It was a funny line. Yeah.

• 44:09Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 44:09Sam Morril?

  I don't know.

• 44:09Speaker 00

  I've never done a roast. I feel like that's just, cause it's like a hat on a hat. I mean, all I do is roast people. I'm not even intentionally trying to roast people, but they feel roasted by me.

• 44:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:19Speaker 00

  For me to formally roast people, it would be like another level of roasting.

• 44:22Sam Morril?

  Right, yeah.

• 44:23Speaker 00

  It would be like, it's almost like Hitler-esque. Does anyone really need that?

• 44:27Sam Morril?

  He did roast people.

• 44:28Speaker 00

  Does anyone really?

• 44:31Speaker 00

  Whoopsie doodle.

• 44:32Mark Normand?

  I gotta ask, when you were at the SF Punch, was Dave still drinking then?

• 44:35Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 44:36Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy.

• 44:37Speaker 00

  He was crazy. Yeah, he, he, yeah, he, yeah, he was on the tail end of his drinking and it was clear that he was not going to be able to continue that. But Jeff Wills, you know Jeff Wills?

• 44:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah, sure, a lot of shirt club.

• 44:48Speaker 00

  Those were the days where Jeff Wills ran like San Francisco and Cobb's and then they bought Cobb's. So that was like, San Francisco's a really fun town for me. Like, I love that. And my sister lives there.

• 44:59Mark Normand?

  Great town.

• 44:59Speaker 00

  I'm always, I like that for comedy. I like doing shows there. And Jeff Wills and I, like, I remember, like, he was there that week with Zach. And, um, and now he runs Live Nation. So, you know, he's, it's a different situation. But, um, I've known him for so long and we were just all so, we just, we'd just get shithoused.

• 45:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 45:19Speaker 00

  Every single night.

• 45:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 45:20Speaker 00

  That's the first time I slept with a comedian was in, oh, yeah, this is who I slept with.

• 45:24Mark Normand?

  All right.

• 45:25Speaker 00

  I, I, I opened for Tom Rhodes.

• 45:27Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 45:28Sam Morril?

  Whoa.

• 45:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:29Mark Normand?

  He's a sexy guy.

• 45:30Speaker 00

  Yes. And he had this great joke about a penguin and penguins recognizing each other. You know, they're monogamous penguins?

• 45:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 45:38Speaker 00

  And so they go away.

• 45:39Sam Morril?

  That's why I love comedians, they're not like, normal women.

• 45:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 45:42Sam Morril?

  She's like, you know what? Did it for me, the penguin joke. That's when I got wet.

• 45:44Speaker 00

  And I was like, he had this joke going.

• 45:46Sam Morril?

  That was pretty good.

• 45:46Speaker 00

  He goes, imagine they separate, the males and the females separate for like months, I guess, to, because they're, they, yeah, they get pregnant and they have to go and give birth to their babies and separate from the husbands, I guess. And then they come back and they all see each other from across, you know, the iceberg or wherever they are.

• 46:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 46:03Speaker 00

  And, and then he goes, can you imagine seeing another penguin and being like, that's my baby?

• 46:08Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 46:09Speaker 00

  Like, recognizing her out of a lineup.

• 46:10Mark Normand?

  That's a great bit.

• 46:11Speaker 00

  And I remember thinking, oh, God, this guy's funny. And then I had sex with him. And that was the first time I ever had sex with a comedian.

• 46:16Mark Normand?

  He said it was amazing.

• 46:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, he would say that, I'm sure.

• 46:18Mark Normand?

  I asked him about it.

• 46:19Speaker 00

  I'm sure.

• 46:20Mark Normand?

  Because he mentioned it on, uh, Meron's pod.

• 46:22Speaker 00

  Did he?

• 46:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah. And he said it was so hot. And then he did it again.

• 46:25Speaker 00

  And it wasn't.

• 46:25Mark Normand?

  And it wasn't hot.

• 46:26Speaker 00

  No. Then I got my period. It was awful.

• 46:28Mark Normand?

  Oh, well, that's not anybody's fault.

• 46:30Speaker 00

  No, well, it was his fault.

• 46:33Speaker 00

  And I will always blame him. It's kind of like, don't go to a good restaurant twice in a row.

• 46:37Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 46:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 46:38Speaker 00

  You know, if you have a great meal, leave it alone. We met up again. It was not hot.

• 46:43Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 46:44Speaker 00

  Yeah. So I did, he did come up to me, actually, at an airport a few months ago. I was at LAX. And I was with my cousin and I just thought it was like a fan.

• 46:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 46:55Speaker 00

  And he said Chelsea Handler and you know da da and I was like, oh hi. And he goes, it's Tom Rhodes. And I was like, oh hi.

• 47:00Mark Normand?

  Oh shit.

• 47:00Speaker 00

  And he walked away and my cousin goes, did you sleep with that guy? Totally.

• 47:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah, period sex.

• 47:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I haven't slept with a lot of comics. Just Tom Rhodes, Joe Coy. And I'm wondering if I'm forgetting someone, but I don't think I am.

• 47:12Mark Normand?

  Matt Rife?

• 47:13Speaker 00

  No.

• 47:14Mark Normand?

  Oh, alright.

• 47:14Speaker 00

  Matt Rife.

• 47:15Mark Normand?

  Well, you like young guys. He's rich.

• 47:17Speaker 00

  No, no, no, I'm not, no. I'm rich. I think I need rich.

• 47:21Mark Normand?

  Rich boss?

• 47:25Speaker 00

  You don't need KY with Rich, I'll let spit. Wait, go back. I want to see the present day pictures of Tom Rhodes.

• 47:30Mark Normand?

  Tom Rhodes.

• 47:32Speaker 00

  If, if Marc Maron wasn't sober, I would have had sex with him at some point.

• 47:36Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah.

• 47:37Speaker 00

  What is about Maron, do you think? I like Maron because he's really sensitive and he's really smart. And he's on the right side of things, you know, kind of like social justice. Yeah, this is an older man now.

• 47:48Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 47:49Speaker 00

  But I mean, I'm an older woman now. I'm 50. He looks good. He still looks good. Yeah, he's cute. He's cute.

• 47:53Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 47:54Speaker 00

  He's a sweetie. Is he still, he's still doing stand up?

• 47:57Mark Normand?

  I see him with the seller all the time.

• 47:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, I saw him a few months ago. Oh, you do? That's cute.

• 48:00Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah, great guy.

• 48:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:02Mark Normand?

  Good dude. Period sex, I had no idea.

• 48:04Speaker 00

  Hmm, yeah, that always kind of is a buzzkill. You put down a towel, it's fine. You don't know the person. You have an old ratty towel for the... It's fine if you're in a relationship, but if you don't know the person, it's always a little bit.

• 48:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 48:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, periods are a buzzkill on many levels. It's fine.

• 48:21Mark Normand?

  But then women get hornier on their period, don't they?

• 48:23Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 48:23Mark Normand?

  That's what I've heard.

• 48:25Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 48:26Mark Normand?

  Give that a goog.

• 48:27Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 48:27Mark Normand?

  How do I? How do you google that?

• 48:29Speaker 03

  I'll google it. Anyway, do you guys have any peeves? Did you come with any things that are bothering you lately?

• 48:34Speaker 00

  Sure, I can think of plenty.

• 48:35Mark Normand?

  We usually do peeves on the show. I do have one, if you don't have one.

• 48:38Speaker 00

  Why don't you start and then I'll...

• 48:39Mark Normand?

  Alright, I'll buy everybody some time. I have this one. A guy is late. You're meeting someone, they're late, and they show up with coffee and a snack. I'm like, you were already late and you have coffee that you obviously stopped for and a snack?

• 48:53Sam Morril?

  It's like the Elaine Seinfeld where she gets the juju bees.

• 48:56Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 48:57Sam Morril?

  The guy's in a hospital.

• 48:58Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 48:58Sam Morril?

  I'm with you.

• 48:59Speaker 00

  I don't like when people call you when you're meeting them, when you're about to meet someone and they call you on the phone. It's either just show up.

• 49:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 49:08Speaker 00

  Text me. Don't call me on the phone when I'm about to see you.

• 49:11Mark Normand?

  We're about to meet.

• 49:12Speaker 00

  I don't like that. I don't like unnecessary phone calls or people who can't walk into a place unless you're with them. Like, are you here yet?

• 49:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, I love, that's a good one.

• 49:20Speaker 00

  I fucking hate that shit. It's like, just go inside and ask for the fucking table.

• 49:24Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 49:24Speaker 00

  You don't need me to get in.

• 49:26Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 49:26Speaker 00

  You know?

• 49:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 49:28Speaker 00

  I don't like that. I don't like unnecessary phone calls. I don't like FaceTimes.

• 49:32Mark Normand?

  Ugh, I hate FaceTime.

• 49:33Speaker 00

  I hate when people FaceTime me. I find that troubling.

• 49:37Mark Normand?

  I agree. And what about the people on the plane FaceTiming before the flight takes off?

• 49:40Speaker 00

  Oh, no, no, no, no.

• 49:40Sam Morril?

  The no headphones thing, I'm gonna, I had a guy, no headphones doing it.

• 49:44Speaker 00

  Every time someone does that without a headphone, you have got to say something. Because I always do. I say, I'm so sorry. Do you have a set of headphones? Cause I'm wearing, like, you think that? No, no, you have to.

• 49:54Mark Normand?

  Well, the white guilt kicks in. I don't know what to do.

• 49:56Speaker 00

  Well, I mean, don't say it to a black person, man. Say it to another white person.

• 49:59Sam Morril?

  So if it's a black person, you can't say anything?

• 50:01Speaker 00

  No, well, I mean, I try not to tell black people. But I definitely tell white guys what to do.

• 50:06Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 50:06Speaker 00

  And white women, I will too. If they're older than me, if it's an elderly woman, I won't. Then I give them a pass.

• 50:11Mark Normand?

  That's true, that's true.

• 50:12Speaker 00

  But a regular person, you should know better.

• 50:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I agree.

• 50:15Sam Morril?

  What if you hit him with one of these, "I'm so sorry, I know you're black. Would you mind just keeping it down?"

• 50:22Sam Morril?

  What if, yeah, maybe you...

• 50:23Mark Normand?

  That's how she met Fiddy.

• 50:27Sam Morril?

  No, I think, uh, that's, those are both good peeves. I wrote down a few peeves. One of them was the eating in bed.

• 50:33Mark Normand?

  Eating in bed is crazy.

• 50:34Speaker 00

  I eat in bed.

• 50:35Sam Morril?

  No, no, I mean, I meant eating before you get into bed.

• 50:37Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 50:38Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 50:39Sam Morril?

  Let's see what else. Ooh. These are mostly just women. This is mostly a woman who's been staying with me. Every light is dimmed. I turn on a light, she dims every light. So I, you know, I go to the bathroom and I press turn the light on and it's just dimmed and I'm like, I don't need to take a shit in the dark.

• 50:56Mark Normand?

  Are they overhead?

• 50:57Speaker 00

  But maybe you do, maybe you do.

• 50:58Sam Morril?

  No.

• 50:59Mark Normand?

  Women don't like, my wife hates overhead lighting.

• 51:01Speaker 00

  Overhead lighting is, listen, we do not get along with overhead lighting. It is not a good look. Side lighting is the best.

• 51:07Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 51:08Speaker 00

  I dated a hotelier. He taught me all about lighting. You want it coming from the side, not above.

• 51:12Sam Morril?

  Oh, really?

• 51:13Speaker 00

  It shows every blemish. It shows cellulite. It shows everything you don't want to see is overhead lighting. So you want to appreciate people dimming that.

• 51:22Mark Normand?

  Uh huh, okay.

• 51:22Speaker 00

  If you don't have sensible lighting at your place, then you're gonna have to have the lights dimmed. I don't like bright lights, ever.

• 51:29Mark Normand?

  I don't either.

• 51:30Speaker 00

  It's annoying, you know?

• 51:31Sam Morril?

  Are the lights in here bright?

• 51:33Mark Normand?

  Well, it's a shoot.

• 51:34Speaker 00

  It's okay. There's darkness in the room, so that's better. If it were all bright, it would be a little bit too much.

• 51:38Mark Normand?

  Add it all bright.

• 51:39Sam Morril?

  Alright.

• 51:40Mark Normand?

  Good to know. But I'm with you on that. My, my parents were all about lamps and I fucking hate lamps. Like, give me a light in the room.

• 51:48Speaker 00

  I kinda like lamps.

• 51:49Mark Normand?

  I, I, I can't see anything.

• 51:51Speaker 00

  I know what you mean, but I kinda...

• 51:52Sam Morril?

  It's too much. It's too many things.

• 51:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of things with lamps, for sure. And then they have all different switches.

• 51:59Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 51:59Speaker 00

  How about when you're in a hotel room and there's like a fucking master switch that turns on all the other lights and you're like, wait, wait, wait. I just want this light on.

• 52:05Sam Morril?

  I kinda like that one though because that one I can just turn it all off.

• 52:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I need a little light at night to like get my shit together before I go to bed, you know?

• 52:13Mark Normand?

  Well, how about those hotels with the key thing to turn all the lights on?

• 52:16Sam Morril?

  Like energy saver? Very European.

• 52:18Mark Normand?

  Turn the light on.

• 52:19Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 52:19Mark Normand?

  I gotta have an extra key now? It's crazy.

• 52:21Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it does annoy me.

• 52:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I hate that.

• 52:24Sam Morril?

  You go to like Italy or something, they all do that. There's energy savers.

• 52:27Speaker 00

  Well, I think we also need to get on the same page with voltage internationally.

• 52:31Mark Normand?

  Agreed.

• 52:31Speaker 00

  You know, this is, this is ridiculous. Every time I go anywhere, I blow up a hairdryer and I, I just want us all to be on the same voltage.

• 52:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 52:38Speaker 00

  Why? It's only America that did this. We, we're the ones that are the problem.

• 52:42Sam Morril?

  No, there's a few others, right?

• 52:43Speaker 00

  No, we, Americans, Europeans are all on the same page. Even South America's on the same page with Europe. It's America, North America specifically. We're the assholes that decided we needed bigger voltage and more voltage.

• 52:55Sam Morril?

  Why do we do that?

• 52:56Speaker 00

  Because we're greedy and we need more.

• 52:58Mark Normand?

  Yeah, big appliances, more electronics.

• 53:00Speaker 00

  That's why we're gonna invade Greenland, because we're greedy and we need more.

• 53:05Mark Normand?

  Are we?

• 53:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, it looks like it.

• 53:07Mark Normand?

  Oh geez, I didn't know that.

• 53:08Speaker 00

  Lots of things going around.

• 53:10Mark Normand?

  Yikes.

• 53:10Sam Morril?

  Exciting.

• 53:11Mark Normand?

  I'm still on Maduro, I didn't know we were moving to Greenland.

• 53:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, Venezuela, then Cuba, then Greenland, that's the order of things.

• 53:16Mark Normand?

  Holy moly, look at that sweatsuit.

• 53:18Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm, look at that guy, he's like, fuck, my life is over.

• 53:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 53:22Sam Morril?

  It's funny that it's a blindfold, because it looks like a sleeping mask.

• 53:24Speaker 00

  It looks like a virtual reality mask.

• 53:26Speaker 03

  Yes, Oculus.

• 53:28Speaker 00

  Yes, yes.

• 53:29Mark Normand?

  Do you think he gets sleep on that flight, like, over here, is he like, I'll get some Z's in here?

• 53:33Speaker 00

  He's like, where?

• 53:33Sam Morril?

  I think he's pissed.

• 53:34Mark Normand?

  Some me time. I bet he didn't, because they brought the wife too. So he's like, oh, come on, you couldn't give me a moment?

• 53:41Sam Morril?

  I got another peeve is going to dinner with a picky eater. The many substitutions, it makes me crazy, just order the fucking thing.

• 53:52Mark Normand?

  I'm with you, I'm so, picky eaters are annoying.

• 53:54Sam Morril?

  Because now they're looking at you, and I'm like, I'm sorry.

• 53:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 53:56Speaker 00

  I'm pretty specific about when I order a cocktail, I need the right ratio of ice to drink and libation. I'm very specific about my drinks.

• 54:05Mark Normand?

  That's not bad.

• 54:06Speaker 00

  But food, I agree with you, just eat what they have, or just don't order it.

• 54:10Mark Normand?

  Exactly, exactly.

• 54:11Sam Morril?

  Makes me crazy.

• 54:12Mark Normand?

  We hang out with comics, they're all eight-year-olds, in an adult body.

• 54:15Speaker 00

  Right, eating cheeseburgers and french fries.

• 54:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I can have chicken fingers, french fries, and a hot dog, that's all I can eat.

• 54:19Speaker 00

  Where do you guys spend most of your time at The Cellar?

• 54:22Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you should come to The Cellar.

• 54:23Speaker 00

  Where else?

• 54:24Sam Morril?

  In New York.

• 54:25Mark Normand?

  There's New York Comedy Club, there's all kinds of clubs.

• 54:28Speaker 00

  Where's that, the New York Comedy Club?

• 54:29Sam Morril?

  There's three of them now, Upper West Side, 24th Street and 4th Street, that's good, Gotham, I like Gotham still.

• 54:34Mark Normand?

  Gotham's solid, yeah, yeah.

• 54:36Sam Morril?

  But mostly The Cellar, and The Road.

• 54:38Mark Normand?

  Come on by.

• 54:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:41Mark Normand?

  You ever get jonesed, you ever jones for an asset?

• 54:43Speaker 00

  No, I don't.

• 54:44Sam Morril?

  But it's a good hang, too, the Olive Tree's fun.

• 54:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've been around there before, but I don't, yeah, I don't usually do sets when I'm in New York. When I'm in New York, I like to party. You know?

• 54:55Sam Morril?

  What are some bars you hit up when you're in New York?

• 54:57Speaker 00

  Went to the People's Lounge last night, the People's Lounge, it's a little lounge place, this private club, it was so fun.

• 55:03Sam Morril?

  It's like a members' club?

• 55:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, maybe, I don't know if it was a members' club, but I went to, uh... Where did I go last night?

• 55:10Mark Normand?

  Well, you gotta go to different places than the common man.

• 55:13Speaker 00

  No, no, I don't. I could go out.

• 55:15Mark Normand?

  You're gonna get bombarded.

• 55:16Speaker 00

  I like what you're pulling up here, pictures of restaurants. Is that people's?

• 55:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, this is People's Lounge?

• 55:20Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, that is People's. Okay, great. It's really fun.

• 55:22Sam Morril?

  Where else do you head up?

• 55:23Speaker 00

  Last night I went to San Vicente Bungalows, but that's only because my friends told me to meet them there. I don't like private clubs like that. I don't like giving people money for me to come there. That's so stupid. I find that offensive.

• 55:33Sam Morril?

  Especially in New York when there's so much cool shit already.

• 55:36Speaker 00

  I went to Schmores, this Israeli restaurant. Have you ever eaten there, Sam?

• 55:40Sam Morril?

  I haven't. I've never heard of it.

• 55:41Speaker 00

  It's really good. I went there with my friend Juliana Margulies, another super gem.

• 55:44Mark Normand?

  Oh, I love Margulies.

• 55:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, we went to dinner and then I met other friends.

• 55:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 55:49Speaker 00

  And then I was out and then, yeah, when I'm in New York, I like to go out.

• 55:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 55:54Sam Morril?

  It's fun.

• 55:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's like, it's so much more fun here than LA. LA is sleepy. Yeah, LA is a little boring.

• 55:59Sam Morril?

  What's a good cool bar for us to go to when we're in LA next time?

• 56:02Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 56:03Mark Normand?

  They roll it up so early in LA. Everything shuts down at nine.

• 56:06Speaker 00

  You can't get a drink after 10 o'clock at night in LA. It's like it's never recovered from COVID.

• 56:10Sam Morril?

  You know what's a cool place to drink, actually, is just a bar area that plays Formosa?

• 56:14Speaker 00

  Mm, yeah.

• 56:15Sam Morril?

  That's a cool looking bar.

• 56:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's cool.

• 56:16Sam Morril?

  Yeah. But yeah, I'm with you. I don't really know LA bars.

• 56:19Mark Normand?

  No, not really.

• 56:21Sam Morril?

  And we're rarely there together, but it'd be fun to go. Like when we did podcasts out there, that was fun.

• 56:25Mark Normand?

  That was fun, yeah. And I don't really want to go to a Sunset Strip Bar. That feels weird.

• 56:30Speaker 00

  No, no.

• 56:30Mark Normand?

  You want to find like a real interesting.

• 56:32Speaker 00

  You gotta find a cool place. There are cool places. Mostly in Los Feliz is a little bit cooler. Brentwood and the West Side is just too, nothing's happening over there. It's all family. It's very suburban.

• 56:42Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 56:43Speaker 00

  I live in Brentwood. I don't know why I live there. I don't know what I'm doing there. I need to leave.

• 56:47Sam Morril?

  Would you ever move out of LA?

• 56:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, I would like to live there.

• 56:50Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 56:51Sam Morril?

  New York's cool.

• 56:52Mark Normand?

  Welcome back.

• 56:53Speaker 00

  I want to buy an apartment in New York and I was going to, but then my house, I bought my house from RFK Junior.

• 56:58Mark Normand?

  Whoa, damn.

• 56:59Speaker 00

  Fucking feels like it. It's been about four years of renovation. I'm not joking.

• 57:03Mark Normand?

  The dead bears everywhere.

• 57:05Speaker 00

  It's a disaster, this house. It's cursed. It has been a nightmare in my life and I still do not live there. It's four years of renovating a house in LA.

• 57:13Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 57:14Speaker 00

  So that's why I don't spend a lot of time in LA, because I have a bad taste in my mouth from being robbed by a contractor.

• 57:21Mark Normand?

  Oh, shit.

• 57:22Speaker 00

  So, it's done now, so I'll go back there at the end of ski season and live there, but I'm looking to get a place in New York. I was about to buy this apartment downtown before all of this happened and then all of a sudden.

• 57:32Sam Morril?

  What neighborhood?

• 57:33Speaker 00

  Chelsea. I'm gonna live inside myself, Sam.

• 57:36Mark Normand?

  I heard it's roomy. No.

• 57:43Mark Normand?

  I had to get it in. It was just sitting there.

• 57:47Sam Morril?

  What are your favorite cities to hit on the road?

• 57:49Speaker 00

  I like DC.

• 57:50Mark Normand?

  Love DC.

• 57:51Speaker 00

  I love Boston. Boston, the Wayne Theater, I love that venue. I love DAR, the Daughters of American Revolution Building. I like that building in DC. I love Chicago Theater.

• 58:01Mark Normand?

  Yep, the best.

• 58:01Speaker 00

  Um, Seattle is one of my hotspots.

• 58:05Mark Normand?

  That's a great one.

• 58:05Speaker 00

  I just started doing Louisville, Kentucky, only because I went with Joe Coy once and he was playing the Palace Theater and I was like Louisville. And then I did a show and I, you know, I usually stay away from cities like that because I'm like, what's going on in Kentucky? But there's always a liberal component of, you know, a group of people in these cities, even if they're real red states, that are so grateful for you when you do come through that I was like, oh, this is actually really fun because there's like a huge, you know, gay and the community there. So I'm doing, so I'll do places like that because I like that. I like to, you know, kind of, I won't go to really like Florida. Not, I'm not interested in Florida.

• 58:43Sam Morril?

  I'm taping my next special in Tampa.

• 58:44Speaker 00

  Are you?

• 58:45Sam Morril?

  Tampa Theater, beautiful theater.

• 58:46Speaker 00

  Is it?

• 58:47Mark Normand?

  Good crowds.

• 58:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah, they, you know what? It's, it's a really good comedy city, I think Tampa.

• 58:52Speaker 00

  Really?

• 58:53Mark Normand?

  Great comedy town.

• 58:53Sam Morril?

  I think so. Yeah, I think very underrated and the theater's just gorgeous.

• 58:57Speaker 00

  What about Orlando?

• 58:58Sam Morril?

  I like Orlando.

• 59:00Speaker 00

  Jacksonville? Miami?

• 59:02Sam Morril?

  Miami's tough. Miami's tough.

• 59:04Speaker 00

  Is it?

• 59:04Sam Morril?

  They just, I don't think they care about comedy. I think they all have like, you want people with real jobs. You don't want people who are like all influencers in your crowd. They show up 30 minutes late and they're, they're not interested, but, but I think Tampa crowds are, they really are.

• 59:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah, oh yeah.

• 59:19Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 59:19Mark Normand?

  Coked up, fake tits. It's all about how I look and why aren't you talking to me? You know, why am I listening to you? I'm hot.

• 59:25Sam Morril?

  So I don't love, I, yeah, I like Fort Lauderdale. Like I actually think Florida's got some good pockets.

• 59:29Speaker 00

  It does have some good pockets. You're funny you're saying that because like, yeah, yeah, Fort Lauderdale is good. Like I, I remember last time I was like, I'll just go to one place, but I think you're right about Miami. Miami's not the best.

• 59:38Sam Morril?

  Sucks, sucks. Naples sucks, Fort Myers sucks, but then, but then you have like, you know, I, I think Tampa's great and I've actually, the last few times I've been to Orlando, I, I liked them. I thought they were pretty good, but it was, uh, but it's like you're saying, they're, they're pumped you're there, you know?

• 59:52Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 59:52Sam Morril?

  And that makes you pumped to be there that they're, you know, so, uh... Yeah, Tampa Theater. I'm actually adding a third show tomorrow for the taping. So I hope you guys come out February 26th and 27th. I hope you come out there. So, what's the name of your tour that you're doing right now?

• 1:00:07Speaker 00

  High and Mighty Tour.

• 1:00:08Sam Morril?

  The High and Mighty Tour.

• 1:00:09Speaker 00

  I start February 13th. I jump off in DC and then I am doing about 30 shows.

• 1:00:16Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 1:00:16Speaker 00

  Throughout the world. And I'm gonna add another 30, because I haven't even added LA and New York yet.

• 1:00:21Sam Morril?

  Holy moly.

• 1:00:21Speaker 00

  So, yeah, I'm gonna go do that and be on tour.

• 1:00:25Sam Morril?

  Shout out some of these dates real quick, so people can know?

• 1:00:27Speaker 00

  Sure. February 13th is DC, February 15th Norfolk, Virginia, Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Detroit, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati. I'm coming everywhere. Denver, Portland, Providence, Rhode Island. That's enough.

• 1:00:44Sam Morril?

  Alright. I did a thing in Norfolk once where I was doing a theater there and they said they can't get it so that they have, what do you call it? You're basically allowed to bring a gun into the theater.

• 1:00:55Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:00:55Sam Morril?

  And I was like, and I was like, no, no, I don't, I don't agree to that. And they're like, well, they have to. And they're like, well, they'll provide security for you. So it felt like we were in like a fucking insane thing, where like people were following us around and I was like, well, I don't know who these guys are either. Right. They have guns. This is fucking, and then one guy came in with a gun and they're like, the comedian really would appreciate if you left the gun in the car. And the guy went, fine. And he went back and put the gun in the car. I'm like, I just don't want guns in the crowd.

• 1:01:19Speaker 00

  I don't like being in open carry states. I'm not into it. I'm not interested in that. And also, they have to not allow guns to come into the theater.

• 1:01:28Sam Morril?

  I don't want to shoot out in the show. Of course.

• 1:01:30Speaker 00

  No kidding.

• 1:01:30Sam Morril?

  I don't want to, I talk about the wrong subject. He's like, fuck this motherfucker, you know? You're right. Also, shout out Little Dog Diner in Norfolk. Amazing. They have their homemade hot sauce. Amazing. I remember a good diner. I love a good, a good spot. It's a bitch to get there, though. How was that, two flights to Norfolk? We were on a tour bus for that run. Thank God for that.

• 1:01:48Speaker 00

  Only men will take tour buses. Women don't do things like that.

• 1:01:50Sam Morril?

  Schumer did. Schumer did it.

• 1:01:51Speaker 00

  Did she?

• 1:01:52Sam Morril?

  And Nikki asked me about it, but I was like, you're not gonna like it.

• 1:01:54Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 1:01:55Sam Morril?

  But Amy, Amy did it. That was fun.

• 1:01:58Mark Normand?

  We got real fucked up on that thing.

• 1:02:00Speaker 00

  Did you?

• 1:02:00Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:02:01Speaker 00

  That's fun.

• 1:02:02Mark Normand?

  A lot of years. You missed the bus.

• 1:02:03Sam Morril?

  I missed the, I know, I did a few of the buses with her.

• 1:02:05Mark Normand?

  But you missed it, literally. Remember you?

• 1:02:07Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah. Amy was so mad at me. I missed, I was drinking with her brother's band used to open, and I was drinking with the band and one of the bandmates and, uh, I was, I kept looking at my watch, like, isn't the bus leaving now? Isn't the bus leaving now? And he's like, no, no, we're cool. And we fucking chased the bus. And she had security details, like a huge thing, and she was-

• 1:02:27Speaker 00

  How many people were on the bus?

• 1:02:29Sam Morril?

  A bunch. She was, she was not pleased with me, but I got lucky because she got so mad at me. Then I think she felt kind of bad how mad she got, and then she was, she was cool again.

• 1:02:36Speaker 00

  I see.

• 1:02:37Sam Morril?

  Uh, yeah, it's not a good feeling to chase a tour bus.

• 1:02:39Mark Normand?

  No, with a police escort.

• 1:02:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah, fucking bad.

• 1:02:43Mark Normand?

  Good times.

• 1:02:43Sam Morril?

  But I remember, we were with Amy together in Orlando back in the day, and I remember puking in the Orlando airport bathroom because we got hammered.

• 1:02:50Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:02:51Sam Morril?

  And I remember Mark just handing a ginger ale over the stall, and I was like, that's a fucking friend. It's a good friend.

• 1:02:56Mark Normand?

  We've all been there.

• 1:02:56Speaker 00

  That's nice. There's nothing better when you're throwing up than ginger ale.

• 1:02:59Mark Normand?

  That's the best.

• 1:03:00Sam Morril?

  Yeah, look at Amy. Look at this.

• 1:03:01Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 1:03:02Speaker 00

  Wow, wow, look at this!

• 1:03:04Sam Morril?

  Thirst trapping a little, huh?

• 1:03:06Speaker 00

  Who's Amy gonna fuck now?

• 1:03:07Mark Normand?

  Ooh, come on, 50.

• 1:03:09Speaker 00

  Who's gonna fuck, I mean, who's she gonna fuck? What's gonna happen, guys?

• 1:03:13Mark Normand?

  I don't know.

• 1:03:14Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:03:15Mark Normand?

  We should do a poll or a pool or something. Call in if you want to fuck Amy.

• 1:03:18Speaker 00

  This is exciting.

• 1:03:19Sam Morril?

  Tom Rhodes.

• 1:03:22Mark Normand?

  Just do it once, though.

• 1:03:24Speaker 00

  She looks good.

• 1:03:25Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:03:26Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 1:03:27Mark Normand?

  All right, Amy.

• 1:03:28Sam Morril?

  Yeah, what else are you excited to go to on the road?

• 1:03:30Speaker 00

  I mean, I, I, uh, you know, I, I don't know. I, I don't really get a, I just kind of try and have a really, A, I have to work out every day, you know, like, I'm really serious about working out.

• 1:03:43Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:03:43Speaker 00

  Because I need to be like, strong and fit and like, clear-headed. And, uh, and then if I'm in a fun city, I like to have friends come. And if I'm in a city where I have a lot of people coming, you know, sometimes you go to shows and you have like 15, 20 friends that are in that city. That's always fun.

• 1:03:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:58Speaker 00

  And so those cities fun, you know, are the bigger cities. But I like the smaller cities too, because I like to lie low. I like to spend a day in bed watching fucking TV television all day long and have nothing but to do but go to dinner and go to your show.

• 1:04:09Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:04:09Speaker 00

  I love that feeling.

• 1:04:10Mark Normand?

  That's nice.

• 1:04:11Speaker 00

  I like to do that.

• 1:04:12Mark Normand?

  What, what do you still drink? What's the hangover cure? Because I'm 40 now, and I, the hangovers are hitting me hard.

• 1:04:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't know. I'm just, my body's accustomed. I'm a professional.

• 1:04:21Sam Morril?

  Do you hydrate a lot?

• 1:04:22Speaker 00

  Hmm, I mean, I drink some, you know, I have some water in the morning with some electrolytes, but I'm not a big water person.

• 1:04:29Sam Morril?

  Are you an IV person?

• 1:04:30Speaker 00

  Uh, not really. I mean, sometimes, but not really, no. I'm just a, I've got a strong constitution.

• 1:04:35Sam Morril?

  You don't meet a lot of Jews who can handle their booze.

• 1:04:37Speaker 00

  I was just gonna say that. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Well, I'm part German, so my mom is German, so that's what it is, yeah.

• 1:04:45Speaker 03

  Can I ask what you were doing in Antarctica?

• 1:04:46Speaker 00

  Hmm, I was on a psychedelic conference in Antarctica. Jesus. So this guy, so I met this guy, the one I'm talking about, in Vegas after one of my shows. He sat down, I was at a table, I was going to win back the money that my friends had lost. Yeah. I asked this guy, he was wearing a cowboy hat and he was sitting at the table and I was like, "Hey, I don't have any chips left. Can I borrow a couple thousand dollars? I'm gonna start winning. I'll pay you back right away." And he was like, "All right," and gave me chips and I won his money back. I paid him back. I won my money. The table was popping. We're all winning. It was fun. And then the next day, I won my money. I go home to my room and then I start getting texts from this guy and I'm like, "Who's this guy texting me?" I said to my friend. She's like, "That was the cowboy from last night that you were sitting next to." And I said, "How did he get my number?" She's like, "You gave him your number."

• 1:05:30Speaker 00

  And I'm like, "No, I didn't." And she's like, "We gave him your number because you guys were really cute together." And I said, "Oh." And he's like, "Listen, hey, you're fucking fun." He goes, "Where do we see each other again?" I name the time, name the place. "I'll come to you. Let's make this happen. I want to run it back." And I was like-

• 1:05:47Sam Morril?

  And you said Antarctica?

• 1:05:49Speaker 00

  I said, "Hey."

• 1:05:50Sam Morril?

  You made it hard.

• 1:05:51Speaker 00

  I didn't even respond for the first three words because I didn't know who this guy was. I'd already forgotten about that night, you know? Yeah. And I, and then he said, he said something like, "You see," he goes, "I'm looking for some adventure in my life and you seem pretty adventurous." And I sent him a link to the Antarctica trip and said, "This is my next adventure and I'm headed here. I was leaving in like four days." And he wrote back, "I'll see you in Antarctica," and bought himself a ticket, which is like a $50,000 ticket. What? Yeah, so that was a hot move because then I was like, "Hmm, that's a strong move and I like that." Then he got my attention. I was like- Okay. So he came to Antarctica and I-

• 1:06:30Sam Morril?

  I'll buy a bus ticket to Baltimore to fucking check. I'm not gonna-

• 1:06:33Speaker 00

  And I was with my girlfriend. I already had a roommate and he got his own room and he was on this boat with us for like seven days or eight days or 10 days. Yeah, and so that's, yeah, and I've been dating him ever since. Man, it's hard to get laid these days.

• 1:06:48Mark Normand?

  Flowers, chocolate. This is crazy.

• 1:06:51Speaker 00

  So fun. How was Antarctica? It was fucking awesome. It was a psychedelic conference. So half of the people there were researching psychedelics and the other half were doing them and I was part of that group. And it was pretty intense, like majestic. Like you see Antarctica from like a day away before you get there. It's like a fucking sheet of ice.

• 1:07:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:16Speaker 00

  And you pass like 60 degrees longitude and they tell you to like look out the window and we're all on MDMA and we're fucking partying already. And so to see that, and it's not dark out because it's summertime and you're in the southern hemisphere, so it's light out the whole time. And you see this sheet of ice and it looked like the North Wall from Game of Thrones, like national kind of shit. And I just remember being like, this is epic. And then you get there and the penguins are running around. There's penguins everywhere and they have these little penguin highways and they go.

• 1:07:46Mark Normand?

  And you saw Tom Rhodes, didn't you?

• 1:07:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. I was like, there's Tom Rhodes. I gotta fuck Tom Rhodes. Yeah. They have these penguins running up and down these single file lines. And then we went kayaking and there's fucking humpback whales jumping. It was insanity.

• 1:08:02Mark Normand?

  And you're on Molly with all this. That's incredible.

• 1:08:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, and you're on Molly. It was just a great trip. I had a great time. I really, the food was terrible. What do you eat there?

• 1:08:10Mark Normand?

  Fish?

• 1:08:11Speaker 00

  It was like gross. It was just terrible food. It was like, I don't know what the cuisine would even be.

• 1:08:15Mark Normand?

  Penguin Eskimo.

• 1:08:16Speaker 00

  No, but just like frozen gross food. I lost six pounds on that trip. I've never lost weight on a trip before.

• 1:08:21Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 1:08:23Speaker 00

  But yeah, I had a great time and it was really cool. I wish that we could have stayed there for a couple more days because you cross Drake's Passage, which is pretty volatile part of the ocean. Like it's a very, and so the boat is literally like this for three days. So when you sleep, you get the best night's sleep of your life because you're like in your mother's womb. Like I've never, it was like someone just rocking you. But when you're walking around, you know, tricky.

• 1:08:45Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:46Mark Normand?

  Well, was it weird to get to know this guy on a boat in Antarctica? You didn't really know much about him.

• 1:08:52Sam Morril?

  But you vibe the first night.

• 1:08:54Speaker 00

  Well, no, I just figured there's enough people on this boat. If he's gonna be fun, I don't have to like sleep with him if I'm not into him.

• 1:09:01Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 1:09:02Speaker 00

  There's gonna be 180 people on this boat. I'll find someone else to have sex with if I need to, and he can too. So it was just more like, I wasn't sure, and then once we hung out, I was like, okay, yeah, I'm down.

• 1:09:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:09:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:14Mark Normand?

  Man, if he flew out there and you didn't bang him, though.

• 1:09:16Sam Morril?

  That's tough.

• 1:09:17Mark Normand?

  Whoa, you gotta jump off that boat.

• 1:09:20Speaker 00

  He probably would have found somebody else. There were a lot of, there was a lot of good looking people on that boat.

• 1:09:24Mark Normand?

  Got it.

• 1:09:24Speaker 00

  I think they only allowed good looking people on that boat. One of those trips.

• 1:09:29Mark Normand?

  Right, so is it some hot Molly sex?

• 1:09:34Speaker 00

  What is this movie?

• 1:09:37Mark Normand?

  It's pretty, you said it was majestic, so now you got a new guy with Molly.

• 1:09:41Speaker 00

  I don't know that we had sex on Molly when we were there. I can't remember. But yeah.

• 1:09:45Sam Morril?

  I don't know anything about Molly. Does that enhance sex?

• 1:09:47Mark Normand?

  Everything's enhanced.

• 1:09:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. M D M A sex is fun. Fun, fun, fun. Yeah. You should try it. You guys should do it together.

• 1:09:56Speaker 00

  Oh shit, it's 2:30 you guys, I have to go.

• 1:09:58Mark Normand?

  Oh geez, sorry. Okay, okay. Well, tell Jimmy we said hello.

• 1:10:01Sam Morril?

  Well, yeah.

• 1:10:01Mark Normand?

  And check out her podcast.

• 1:10:03Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Dear Chelsea was super fun to do. Loved chatting with you. I'm happy you came on our podcast.

• 1:10:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm happy too, guys. Nice to see you in action.

• 1:10:11Sam Morril?

  And go see Chelsea on tour.

• 1:10:13Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:10:14Speaker 00

  I'll be there, you guys. If you bring your girlfriend or wife on tour to see me, you'll get laid.

• 1:10:19Sam Morril?

  Is it just chelseahandler.com for tour? Okay, chelseahandler.com for tour. Go see Chelsea.

• 1:10:24Mark Normand?

  And check out her pod.

• 1:10:25Sam Morril?

  And check out her pod.

• 1:10:26Speaker 00

  Thanks, guys.

• 1:10:27Mark Normand?

  Thank you, Chelsea.

• 1:10:28Speaker 00

  Thanks for my drink, you guys.

• 1:10:30Mark Normand?

  You can have one for the road if you want.

• 1:10:34Mark Normand?

  Oh, sure.

• 1:10:34Sam Morril?

  Yeah, let's do, you wanna do that before?

• 1:10:36Mark Normand?

  Yeah, let's do it before.

• 1:10:37Sam Morril?

  Yeah, let's open some.

• 1:10:38Mark Normand?

  Happy Hanukkah, Happy New Year. These are Christmas gifts that we're...

• 1:10:41Sam Morril?

  We should open the card.

• 1:10:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:45Sam Morril?

  It's from you?

• 1:10:46Mark Normand?

  Oh, this is gonna make me uncomfortable.

• 1:10:47Sam Morril?

  Oh my god, eight bright candles in a row. Eight bright candles, all a glow. For each candle burning bright, fun-filled wishes for each night. Happy Hanukkah, and we got a little double down card.

• 1:11:00Mark Normand?

  What's that? Oh, like a scratch off.

• 1:11:02Sam Morril?

  A scratch off, yeah.

• 1:11:03Mark Normand?

  A little weird to put a coin in a Jewish card there. Thank you.

• 1:11:08Sam Morril?

  Well, let's do this after the episode, or should we do it on?

• 1:11:10Mark Normand?

  Oh, I got a coin.

• 1:11:12Speaker 03

  Do you really want the person to win?

• 1:11:14Mark Normand?

  Huh?

• 1:11:14Speaker 03

  When you give them one of those, do you really want them to win?

• 1:11:16Mark Normand?

  I think so.

• 1:11:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, I want you to win.

• 1:11:18Sam Morril?

  It's like the movie Sour Grapes, remember that one?

• 1:11:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Okay, what am I looking for here? Uh, winning number, oh, I see the winning number. He scratched that first, thirty-six.

• 1:11:31Sam Morril?

  My winning numbers are nine and eleven?

• 1:11:33Mark Normand?

  Oh, geez.

• 1:11:34Sam Morril?

  What the hell, Peters?

• 1:11:36Mark Normand?

  You already won.

• 1:11:40Mark Normand?

  Five. Oh, I'm a winner!

• 1:11:45Sam Morril?

  I got, uh...

• 1:11:47Mark Normand?

  What does that mean, oh, I get a dollar? No. What do you get if you win?

• 1:11:53Speaker 03

  You got a scratch off prize, maybe? Thing that says prize, it tells you what you won?

• 1:11:56Mark Normand?

  Uh...

• 1:11:57Sam Morril?

  I don't think I won here. But you know what? It's fun just to play. Thank you, Peters, appreciate it.

• 1:12:03Mark Normand?

  Oh, my god.

• 1:12:04Sam Morril?

  What?

• 1:12:05Mark Normand?

  I think I won five grand. I think I did.

• 1:12:08Sam Morril?

  No way.

• 1:12:09Speaker 03

  Show us, show us.

• 1:12:11Mark Normand?

  Wait a minute, how many are you supposed to scratch?

• 1:12:13Sam Morril?

  I don't know.

• 1:12:13Speaker 03

  I think you should scratch them all.

• 1:12:14Mark Normand?

  Okay. I think we got a winner.

• 1:12:16Speaker 03

  You got three of a kind?

• 1:12:18Mark Normand?

  No.

• 1:12:18Speaker 03

  And what's the thing?

• 1:12:24Sam Morril?

  No, I think you have to still have to scratch off this other one, dude.

• 1:12:27Mark Normand?

  Oh. Well, one of them's a winner. Cause it says winning number, thirty-six.

• 1:12:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:12:32Mark Normand?

  I scratched a thirty-six.

• 1:12:34Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I know, but I think you...

• 1:12:34Mark Normand?

  Hey! Wait a minute, somebody has to inspect, cause if we just won five grand, we could buy a whole new, uh...

• 1:12:40Sam Morril?

  Yeah, look at mine, too.

• 1:12:41Mark Normand?

  ...box of bodega.

• 1:12:43Speaker 03

  Peters is investigating.

• 1:12:44Mark Normand?

  Okay, alright, take a look.

• 1:12:46Sam Morril?

  And we got a gift, and it is a shirt that says The Rizler.

• 1:12:49Mark Normand?

  Oh! That's a great shirt.

• 1:12:52Sam Morril?

  Which will be really fun after being on FBI's Most Wanted after last episode.

• 1:12:56Mark Normand?

  We're definitely on a list. I'm not registered.

• 1:12:59Sam Morril?

  Yeah, we always wanted to be on a comedy list, but on a different list. Ended up on Epstein's list. Why don't you get open some of these, Mark?

• 1:13:04Mark Normand?

  He liked one of our last videos, by the way.

• 1:13:07Sam Morril?

  Did? It's not him. Dad.

• 1:13:09Mark Normand?

  I bought it. I was.

• 1:13:10Sam Morril?

  Had to cope with a massive penis. Oh, this is great to read on the subway. Thank you.

• 1:13:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:14Sam Morril?

  Like, oh, God, this is so hard.

• 1:13:16Mark Normand?

  That's genius.

• 1:13:19Mark Normand?

  This is hard. Hold on. Ooh, what do we got here? Malort?

• 1:13:25Sam Morril?

  Ooh, that's nasty. Who gave us that?

• 1:13:27Speaker 05

  Uh, his name's right there.

• 1:13:29Sam Morril?

  Malort is.

• 1:13:29Mark Normand?

  Carl Jepson Company.

• 1:13:30Sam Morril?

  David Skinner gave us some. You know what that's good for? That's like a good punishment shot for the, because they're nasty.

• 1:13:36Mark Normand?

  I'm gonna have one kiss of it.

• 1:13:37Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 1:13:38Mark Normand?

  A little.

• 1:13:38Sam Morril?

  All right, give me a kiss. Fuck it. Give me a tiny one. It's nasty.

• 1:13:43Mark Normand?

  Ooh, this shit's bad. It's like kerosene.

• 1:13:45Sam Morril?

  Oh, so bad. Cheers. Hey, thanks, Chicago.

• 1:13:49Mark Normand?

  Hey, the second city.

• 1:13:52Sam Morril?

  So they know it's bad? They know it and they're just like? But it's a point of pride. It's pretty fucking, it's nasty. It's just, there's nothing, you didn't take it all. Take it all.

• 1:13:59Mark Normand?

  I couldn't get all of it. Oh.

• 1:14:00Sam Morril?

  You gotta get all of it. Come on.

• 1:14:02Mark Normand?

  This is brutal. It's like getting a girl to swallow.

• 1:14:05Sam Morril?

  My cum tastes better than that shit. That's true. That is fucking nasty. Let's see what else we got. Smelling salts. What is this, the mothership?

• 1:14:17Mark Normand?

  They're good if you're bombing with a guest. You're like. Smell that?

• 1:14:21Sam Morril?

  I made a mistake of doing it too close and I just remember Rogan like grabbing me like, are you okay?

• 1:14:26Mark Normand?

  Ah, it hurts.

• 1:14:27Sam Morril?

  The most pathetic way to.

• 1:14:28Mark Normand?

  It'll wake you. I had a hangover once really bad. I took that and I was like, I was cured. Oh, what do we got here?

• 1:14:34Speaker 05

  Mark and this is the sand.

• 1:14:35Mark Normand?

  Ooh.

• 1:14:36Sam Morril?

  What's that?

• 1:14:37Mark Normand?

  Happy Every Day. Looks like some kind of love box. That's what I call my wife's, uh, okay, hold on.

• 1:14:44Sam Morril?

  Wet farts?

• 1:14:45Mark Normand?

  Hey.

• 1:14:46Sam Morril?

  Really says a lot what people think of us with these gifts.

• 1:14:51Sam Morril?

  A mug?

• 1:14:52Mark Normand?

  A black mug!

• 1:14:53Speaker 05

  How much is the instructions?

• 1:14:55Mark Normand?

  Uh oh. Instructions? Put coffee in. To Mark.

• 1:15:00Sam Morril?

  And to Sam. Happy holidays, see what we got?

• 1:15:03Speaker 03

  The Santa wrapping paper is from Mike Criscolo.

• 1:15:06Mark Normand?

  Oh, from your mom's house!

• 1:15:08Sam Morril?

  Mike Criscolo? I thought he's UTA.

• 1:15:11Speaker 05

  That's not, I don't think he's related to anybody.

• 1:15:12Sam Morril?

  Oh.

• 1:15:15Sam Morril?

  Oh, this is from your mom's house.

• 1:15:17Mark Normand?

  Uh huh.

• 1:15:18Sam Morril?

  This one's from your mom's house, okay.

• 1:15:20Speaker 05

  It's still a black mug.

• 1:15:21Mark Normand?

  Okay, great.

• 1:15:26Sam Morril?

  Oh, these are really good, these things. Texas Chewy.

• 1:15:28Mark Normand?

  Oh, these are great.

• 1:15:30Sam Morril?

  This is a problem.

• 1:15:30Mark Normand?

  Thank you, your mom.

• 1:15:32Sam Morril?

  I'm trying to get fucking fit. I am still drinking, so it's not gonna happen, but...

• 1:15:35Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 1:15:36Sam Morril?

  These are good, dude.

• 1:15:37Mark Normand?

  Wow, these are good.

• 1:15:38Sam Morril?

  I'm taking these home.

• 1:15:38Mark Normand?

  Since 1885, still kicking.

• 1:15:41Sam Morril?

  Still kicking. Well, let's plug some tour dates. What we got, Mark?

• 1:15:44Speaker 03

  This is Mark here, Brea.

• 1:15:45Mark Normand?

  Brea! We got a couple of shows sold out, and like, two left, so let's sell that puppy out to Big Room. Eight, 600 seats.

• 1:15:52Sam Morril?

  It's a great one.

• 1:15:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I love that club.

• 1:15:54Sam Morril?

  You stay in LA when you do that?

• 1:15:56Mark Normand?

  I'm gonna run and do podcasts. Maybe I'll stay in LA.

• 1:15:58Sam Morril?

  Makes more sense, probably.

• 1:16:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you just gotta drive home after.

• 1:16:01Sam Morril?

  It's annoying.

• 1:16:02Mark Normand?

  That sucks, could have had a few drinks, yeah.

• 1:16:05Sam Morril?

  Get a guy to open.

• 1:16:06Mark Normand?

  That's not bad.

• 1:16:07Sam Morril?

  Drive you.

• 1:16:07Mark Normand?

  That's not bad.

• 1:16:08Sam Morril?

  Get a sober opener.

• 1:16:08Mark Normand?

  Sober opener! But I wanna hang with him. What's this?

• 1:16:12Speaker 03

  Then we got Bend, Oregon, on January 23rd.

• 1:16:15Speaker 05

  It's supposed to change color, and the picture underneath is the guy, the big black, good dick guy.

• 1:16:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's fun.

• 1:16:22Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but why underneath? Who drinks a coffee like this?

• 1:16:25Speaker 05

  It should be the side.

• 1:16:25Mark Normand?

  It's, uh, oh.

• 1:16:26Speaker 05

  It's supposed to change.

• 1:16:27Mark Normand?

  I think, yeah, I see something coming in. You see him?

• 1:16:30Sam Morril?

  Oh.

• 1:16:30Speaker 03

  Is it on the bottom, Mark, where you tip it up?

• 1:16:32Sam Morril?

  Oh, I see it. I see him. I see his dick now.

• 1:16:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah!

• 1:16:36Sam Morril?

  Alright.

• 1:16:37Mark Normand?

  Alright, hey, Brea. Then I'm in Bend, Oregon, New Brunswick, in New Jersey, Stress Factory, San Antonio at LOL, Tulsa at the Bricktown Comedy Club, Indianapolis, Helium, Sarawak, Hreta, Arizona, Buffalo, New York, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Kentucky, Lexington, Kentucky, Fort Lauderdale.

• 1:17:00Mark Normand?

  And Raleigh, come on out.

• 1:17:02Sam Morril?

  Love it.

• 1:17:03Mark Normand?

  North Carolina, back in the clubs.

• 1:17:05Sam Morril?

  Love it. Well, we got, uh, Washington DC, it's all sold out, but, uh, excited to go to DC Improv. Never done it, excited.

• 1:17:11Mark Normand?

  Oh, great.

• 1:17:11Sam Morril?

  I believe Chicago's all sold out too, and, uh, it, these are small rooms I'm doing. So, yeah, Stanford, Connecticut, Providence, Rhode Island, I think they're all sold out. So I'm excited to come.

• 1:17:20Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:17:21Sam Morril?

  We're adding, uh, tomorrow morning, tomorrow morning, we're adding, uh, February 26th for Tampa.

• 1:17:26Mark Normand?

  Hey.

• 1:17:26Sam Morril?

  Wow. So, uh, we'll do a third show at the Tampa Theater. I'm very excited for this special. And, uh, if that one sells out, maybe a fourth, you know? Very excited, taping a special there, so, uh, love you guys for coming out of Tampa, you're the best.

• 1:17:38Speaker 03

  I wanted to ask you something before we left. Are you wrapping up, wrapping up?

• 1:17:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah, why?

• 1:17:42Speaker 03

  Oh, I just wanted to ask about, you mentioned Texas a second ago, your mom's house. Have you heard about this controversy between, uh, Texas and New York comics?

• 1:17:49Mark Normand?

  Oh, it's getting pretty heated.

• 1:17:51Speaker 03

  It's getting weird.

• 1:17:53Mark Normand?

  It's crazy.

• 1:17:53Sam Morril?

  You know what I say?

• 1:17:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:17:54Sam Morril?

  Eyes on your own paper, write some fucking jokes.

• 1:17:56Speaker 03

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:17:57Mark Normand?

  Well, tell that to Texas.

• 1:18:00Sam Morril?

  All right. We'll see you later.

• 1:18:02Speaker 03

  Yee-haw.

• 1:18:02Sam Morril?

  Hey, buy some Bodega Cat.

• 1:18:04Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:18:05Sam Morril?

  Enjoy some Bodega Cat, have a good time, we love you. And, uh, to all the restaurants and bars carrying it, we love you.

• 1:18:11Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:18:12Sam Morril?

  Hit us up, Bodega Cat Whiskey Instagram.

• 1:18:14Mark Normand?

  Whatever you need.

• 1:18:15Sam Morril?

  Yeah, whatever you need, just DM, yeah, we're, we're on it, man, we got a guy on it. It's, it's happening, it's moving, we're cooking, the merch is gonna get even cooler.

• 1:18:23Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:18:24Sam Morril?

  We love you for listening, thanks Chelsea for coming by and, uh...

• 1:18:26Mark Normand?

  And it's been a great year, I mean, Rizler, Seinfeld, uh, the list goes on.

• 1:18:30Sam Morril?

  You gave Rizler first billing?

• 1:18:31Mark Normand?

  Ah, well, he was a tough get, we got Seinfeld before Rizler.

• 1:18:35Sam Morril?

  That's a good point. Jerry never bailed on us, the Rizler stood us up four times.

• 1:18:40Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:40Sam Morril?

  He is a child.

• 1:18:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah, all right, he's nine.

• 1:18:42Sam Morril?

  He's nine.

• 1:18:43Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:18:44Sam Morril?

  All right, well, we love you guys, thanks for listening, guys, and, uh, if you're having a dry January, you know, stay strong, and if you're not, get some fucking bodega.

• 1:18:53Mark Normand?

  Here, here, comedy, thank you, good night, good luck, we'll see you in hell.

• 1:19:43Speaker 06

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