Nish Kumar

We’ve got political comedy superstar Nish Kumar joining us for lunch this week! Nish is a political satirist, podcaster, comedian & TV host and he is fresh in from the USA where he has been on testing out his brand new tour, ‘Angry Humour From A Really Nice Guy’. Over lunch, we covered everything from creating the podcast 'Pod Save The UK', the delicious Keralan food his grandma made him when he was younger, where he will be eating around the UK on his tour, hosting a travel show with friend of the podcast Joel Dommett, where to find the best Indian food in London, and we find out what happened when Nish chased Boris Johnson down the street swearing at him…! Thank you for popping over Nish, you are a really nice guy. Don’t miss his upcoming tour ‘Angry Humour From A Really Nice Guy’ which starts in September. Listen & watch Table Manners here - https://tablemanners.komi.io/ Follow Table Manners on: Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/tablemannerspodcast/ TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@tablemannerspodcast Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/tablemannerspodcast YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@TableMannersPodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  I've got big news. I switched to Verizon and got the new iPhone 18 Pro. Shh. I can keep my old phone and I also get the latest iPhone every year. Shh, anything else? Verizon let me choose Apple Watch Series 12 or iPad on them. Everybody, listen up. Shh. Switch to Verizon and get the new iPhone 18 Pro now. No trade in needed and the latest iPhone every year with Simplicity Plan. Plus, choose Apple Watch Series 12 or iPad on us. Simplicity Plan with Simplicity Pro required. Plan and device payment purchase are separate agreements with separate terms. Service plan for watch or iPad required. Additional terms apply for all offers.

• 0:35Jessie Ware?

  Hello and welcome to Table Manners. I'm Jessie Ware and I'm here in my kitchen with my mother. Hi Mum. Hi darling. That's a different lip that you've got on. It's my hourglass red. Oh, I like it. Do you? How are you Mum? I'm okay darling. I'm pretty tired. I bet you are. Because we have been going around the UK promoting my album. And selling thousands and thousands of copies. How many thousands of copies did you sell? We did over 18,000, which I'm really proud of. So thank you to everyone who bought it. Wow, is that the most you've ever sold in one week? Yes, it is. Wow darling. It's an amazing achievement. I'm very, very proud. But I'm also a bit tired. Are you platinuming yet? No, I think it takes a while to be platinum.

• 1:20Jessie Ware?

  Okay darling. But I am a bit tired, so I have to explain. I was at a record store yesterday till about 10 o'clock at night. So I have called in help today and I, please forgive me. I did exec the choices. Yeah. But my sweet Rosie has helped me today. Because I'll never lie to you, Table Manners. I'll never lie. But we've done, we, she has, a mob kitchen recipe from their cookbook, Comfort Mob. And it's a baked sea bass. Lovely. That's got like lemongrass in there. It's beautiful. You put crispy onions on the top.

• 2:02Jessie Ware?

  Limes, ginger and like a chili sauce on the side and then we're gonna do it with coconut rice and then a lovely Easter belfry, which I've done before, this kind of maple lime sesame seed salad.

• 2:15Speaker 02

  Fabulous.

• 2:15Jessie Ware?

  So it's all quite fresh because it's gorgeous week, it's been really nice weather. And you've made pudding.

• 2:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, I remembered this week.

• 2:21Jessie Ware?

  Great.

• 2:22Speaker 02

  I've made a chocolate coconut cake.

• 2:24Jessie Ware?

  Oh, wow.

• 2:25Speaker 02

  And I.

• 2:26Jessie Ware?

  That goes well with this.

• 2:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think so. I love coconut. I thought I had two big packs of desiccated coconut. I hadn't, so I had to buy more, but I bought shredded coconut, which I've toasted and put on the top of it. I hope it's nice.

• 2:41Jessie Ware?

  Whose recipe is it?

• 2:42Speaker 02

  It was a Sainsbury's recipe and it's, they said it's like eating a cake and a bounty bar all in one.

• 2:49Jessie Ware?

  I hope he likes bounty. Bounties are very divisive.

• 2:51Speaker 02

  I think if he comes from Kerala, coconut will be something he likes.

• 2:55Jessie Ware?

  I think he's from Croydon.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  I know, but his parents are from Kerala.

• 2:59Jessie Ware?

  Right, we have Nish Kumar coming on, who is a kind of brilliant comedian, satirist.

• 3:07Speaker 02

  Political commentator.

• 3:09Jessie Ware?

  You know, you may know him from the Daily Mash or Pod Save the UK.

• 3:14Speaker 02

  I've been desperate to meet him.

• 3:16Jessie Ware?

  You've really wanted Nish for a long time.

• 3:18Speaker 02

  Yeah. He also presented the news quiz a bit.

• 3:21Jessie Ware?

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:22Speaker 02

  On the news quiz, which I have great affection for.

• 3:24Jessie Ware?

  I feel like my brain cells are just not gonna be able to keep up with you two today.

• 3:28Speaker 02

  I think he's going to be very stimulating and he'll stimulate other bits of your brain that aren't to do with music.

• 3:34Jessie Ware?

  He's also got very beautiful eyes.

• 3:36Speaker 02

  Has got good hair.

• 3:37Jessie Ware?

  Gorgeous, gorgeous hazel eyes.

• 3:39Speaker 02

  And good hair.

• 3:40Jessie Ware?

  And he's coming on to talk about his new tour that's happening in September, angry humour from a really nice guy.

• 3:47Speaker 02

  I wonder what he's angry about?

• 3:49Jessie Ware?

  Oh, I don't know, there's, there's much.

• 3:51Speaker 02

  Well, there's a lot to be angry about, yeah.

• 3:53Jessie Ware?

  I feel like you two are just gonna get into it.

• 3:55Speaker 02

  I hope so.

• 3:56Jessie Ware?

  Nish Kumar coming up on Table manners.

• 4:07Jessie Ware?

  Nish, nice to meet you.

• 4:08Speaker 03

  Lovely to meet you.

• 4:09Jessie Ware?

  You've come from North London today?

• 4:11Speaker 03

  I have come from the offices of my PR today because I'm sort of on like a press blitz for the tour. Because I've been out of the country. I just, we put the tour on sale and I just thought, I'm gonna go to America, just.

• 4:26Speaker 02

  Why did you do that?

• 4:27Speaker 03

  I was doing gigs in America.

• 4:28Jessie Ware?

  Oh, so you were on tour in America?

• 4:30Speaker 03

  So I've been doing some gigs, yeah, and but because of this. The gigs are really fun. The gigs were really fun.

• 4:38Speaker 02

  Is this stand-up?

• 4:39Jessie Ware?

  Is this the tour that you're doing in the UK?

• 4:41Speaker 03

  So this is the show that I'm now gonna go on tour with in the UK.

• 4:43Jessie Ware?

  Tell everyone what it's called.

• 4:44Speaker 03

  It's called Angry Humour From A Really Nice Guy.

• 4:47Speaker 02

  Why are you angry, Nish?

• 4:49Speaker 03

  I've got, I'm, I mean well, Lenny. I'm a nice lad.

• 4:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:54Speaker 03

  But I'm very angry about things in the news.

• 4:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, we all are.

• 4:57Speaker 03

  So my comedy comes generally has, particularly for the last kind of 15 years, has expressed a lot of that anger. And I think it's quite funny that as a person, I'm a sort of obsequious people pleaser. Like, it really matters to me what people think about me. But then, for some reason, I've done comedy about the most divisive subjects possible. And so that's really partly what the show is about.

• 5:20Speaker 02

  How thick is your skin 15 years in?

• 5:23Speaker 03

  I genuinely thought you were gonna say to me, how thick are you?

• 5:26Speaker 02

  Oh, I thought you were gonna say something else. My god. Jesus Christ.

• 5:34Speaker 03

  I thought you were gonna say, how thick are you? I didn't think you were gonna say, how thick is your dick? That was the first draft of How Deep Is Your Love?

• 5:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, I was wondering, because anything could come out today.

• 5:43Speaker 03

  The Gibb brothers originally started with How Thick Is Your Dick and they moved on to How Deep Is Your Love?

• 5:48Speaker 02

  That's what I thought you were gonna say.

• 5:49Jessie Ware?

  So I don't wanna know how thick your dick is.

• 5:52Speaker 02

  Well, it would be interesting.

• 5:56Jessie Ware?

  Sideways. I'm checking the fish, sorry.

• 5:59Speaker 03

  This is how you're gonna get the job hosting the next great, you're gonna be the next Graham Norton by opening with, how thick is your, how thick is your dick?

• 6:09Speaker 02

  Would you like to host the next round?

• 6:12Speaker 03

  I'd li- I- only if I could ask people how thick their dicks are.

• 6:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 6:16Jessie Ware?

  No, back to your skin.

• 6:17Speaker 03

  How thick are your dips? How thick are your dicks? How wide are your flaps? That's how we'll start every, every interview.

• 6:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think it's a good way to start.

• 6:25Jessie Ware?

  No, but, okay, back to your skin.

• 6:26Speaker 03

  My mum's gonna kill me when this comes out.

• 6:28Jessie Ware?

  My mum's here and she's encouraging me, so there we go. You see how we were differently raised?

• 6:37Speaker 02

  Dear.

• 6:38Jessie Ware?

  I can't, I can't today, I'm so sorry.

• 6:41Speaker 02

  No, don't.

• 6:41Speaker 03

  This is, we're on-

• 6:42Jessie Ware?

  So unprofessional.

• 6:43Speaker 03

  All I've had to eat today is a biscuit.

• 6:45Speaker 02

  I'm starving.

• 6:46Speaker 03

  And I've had four coffees.

• 6:47Jessie Ware?

  Wow, how'd you take your coffee?

• 6:49Speaker 03

  I had, I had some strong flat whites from a cafe in town and they were, they were very nice. Uh, but I've had, I've had quite a lot of coffee, I'm feeling a bit giddy. Also, the food smells really good, which has also made me feel a bit giddy. And I think you and I have, have started on an unprofessional note.

• 7:07Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, did you start off in Brixton this morning?

• 7:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, I started, I started in South London this morning.

• 7:14Speaker 02

  He's a neighbour, darling.

• 7:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:16Jessie Ware?

  Are you living in Brixton?

• 7:18Speaker 03

  Listen, I'm South London through and through.

• 7:19Speaker 02

  Are you?

• 7:20Speaker 03

  I, I grew up in Croydon.

• 7:22Speaker 02

  I know.

• 7:23Jessie Ware?

  Oh, like all the greats.

• 7:24Speaker 03

  Said with so much sympathy. Me, Stormzy, Kate Moss.

• 7:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:29Speaker 03

  Sue Perkins.

• 7:30Speaker 02

  What's happened to the Whitgift?

• 7:33Speaker 03

  This is a fantastic question.

• 7:35Speaker 02

  This is a really, really sad moment.

• 7:37Speaker 03

  No, you, you're deeply ensconced in the music business, Jessie. Is that true? Did, did she really film that music video in the Whitgift Centre? Yes. So Taylor Swift used the abandoned Whitgift Centre to film a music video.

• 7:49Speaker 02

  That was my first shopping mall, really.

• 7:51Speaker 03

  Where did you, where are you from?

• 7:53Speaker 02

  Well, I, I've lived in London for the last 50 years, so I used to go to the Whitgift.

• 7:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:59Speaker 02

  There weren't shopping malls.

• 8:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:01Speaker 02

  Until things like the Whitgift.

• 8:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:03Speaker 02

  And it was on a small scale and you could park and go upstairs and it was great.

• 8:08Speaker 03

  The Whitgift Centre is where, basically where I used to go every weekend when I was a kid.

• 8:12Speaker 02

  I think they've abandoned Croydon.

• 8:14Speaker 03

  Listen, I have not abandoned Croydon.

• 8:16Speaker 02

  You've not.

• 8:16Speaker 03

  I mean, I've literally, I've, I've moved out, but I, I, yeah, you're right. It is very sad that the Whitgift Centre is a kind of shell of itself.

• 8:24Speaker 02

  A shell of its-

• 8:25Speaker 03

  I, I love the Whitgift Centre.

• 8:26Speaker 02

  How wonderful it was, yeah. Can I just ask you, because you did Pod Save the UK.

• 8:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:31Speaker 02

  Have you met Jon Favreau?

• 8:33Speaker 03

  I have met Jon Favreau.

• 8:35Speaker 02

  You see, here's one of my ultimate heroes. I follow him on Instagram.

• 8:41Speaker 03

  He's, I think he's technically my boss.

• 8:43Speaker 02

  Is he?

• 8:44Speaker 03

  Well, I guess so. I mean, Crooked Media, which is the company that he sort of co-founded, commissioned Pod Save the UK. But they don't seem to be able to work out if they're my, who my boss is, because I was there last week. Because, because I was in America.

• 8:57Speaker 02

  And you saw him last week?

• 8:58Speaker 03

  I didn't see him. I saw Tommy Vitor, who's one of the other co-founders, and Tommy was on Pod Save the UK. And we were recording it from the office in LA. And at one point, he said something like, the bosses are not going to be happy with this. And I sort of said, well, hang on, aren't you my boss?

• 9:11Speaker 02

  And he said?

• 9:11Speaker 03

  Nobody can work out who my boss is.

• 9:13Speaker 02

  So you don't know?

• 9:14Speaker 03

  It's still unclear.

• 9:15Speaker 02

  You're your own boss, Nish.

• 9:18Speaker 03

  Well, that does not bode well for anyone.

• 9:21Speaker 02

  Is Nish an abbreviation of a much longer name?

• 9:23Speaker 03

  No, Nish is an abbreviation of a slightly longer name. Nish is an abbreviation of Nishanth. So my full name is N I S H A N T. And it's a Sanskrit word that means daybreak, like dawn.

• 9:37Speaker 02

  Wow, that's lovely.

• 9:38Speaker 03

  But I, the only reason it's abbreviated is because when I was growing up, everybody called me Nish, apart from...

• 9:44Speaker 02

  Your mum and dad?

• 9:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, but they used to call me Nish. If I got called by my full name, it's because I'm about to be told off by my grandma, basically. Basically, if I hear my full name, weirdly, the only people that call me by my full name are my mother and my grandmother when they're annoyed with me. And Tim Key, for some reason. The comedian and actor Tim Key calls me Nishanth all the time. I don't know. I think he likes it for some reason. Yeah, he likes to give my full title. But yeah, I, I have always been referred to as Nish. And apart from when my mum and grandma are in a bad mood with me.

• 10:20Speaker 02

  When you were writing your essays or your exam papers, did you put Nish or Nishanth?

• 10:26Speaker 03

  Full name.

• 10:26Speaker 02

  Full name?

• 10:27Speaker 03

  Full name on the public exams.

• 10:28Speaker 02

  Have you only got one name?

• 10:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, only one name.

• 10:30Speaker 02

  Only one name?

• 10:31Speaker 03

  No middle name.

• 10:32Speaker 02

  No middle name?

• 10:33Speaker 03

  Just straight up.

• 10:34Speaker 02

  Straight up Nishanth?

• 10:36Speaker 03

  Just on the rocks, not on the rocks.

• 10:39Speaker 02

  Is that, is that a Kerala name? So your family are from Kerala?

• 10:44Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 10:44Speaker 02

  My brother used to live there.

• 10:46Speaker 03

  Whereabouts?

• 10:47Speaker 02

  Um, in, between Changanur and Trivandrum.

• 10:51Speaker 03

  Really?

• 10:52Speaker 02

  It was called Malakari. He lived on an ashram for 27 years. Yeah.

• 10:56Speaker 03

  Really?

• 10:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:57Speaker 03

  Wow, that's cool.

• 10:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was kind of cool, kind of strange, yeah. Jewish boy living on an ashram for twenty seven years with a guru, yeah.

• 11:07Speaker 03

  I think there were a lot of people, when did he go out?

• 11:09Speaker 02

  He, it was probably in the mi- the early seventies.

• 11:15Speaker 03

  Early seventies, yeah.

• 11:16Speaker 02

  He got enchanted by a guru who used to give talks in America, and he was living in America. And he just went there and lived there.

• 11:23Speaker 03

  My family's from Kerala, but.

• 11:25Speaker 02

  Which bit?

• 11:26Speaker 03

  Well, they're from Pargat and Kannanor, so two, two different places my mum and dad are from. And they, but the name is quite a North Indian name.

• 11:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, oh, yeah, it is.

• 11:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, Sanskrit, so. Malayalam, Kerala has, the sort of dominant language in Kerala is Malayalam.

• 11:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:44Speaker 03

  And that language actually derives from Tamil, so India has two root languages, Sanskrit and Tamil. And so Sanskrit really has not much to do with Tamil. I think they just, they heard the name and liked it. My, my brother's name's Nathan, so my brother has a Jewish name, yeah.

• 12:01Speaker 02

  Oh, why?

• 12:02Speaker 03

  My dad just really liked a writer whose name was Nathan.

• 12:05Speaker 02

  Which writer?

• 12:06Speaker 03

  I think his name's, I think it's, I think it's supposed to be pronounced Natan, but I think it's Natan Sharoff, maybe. I, he was just a writer my dad really liked, and so my brother has this like.

• 12:18Speaker 03

  One of my friends once said to me, why do you have an Indian name and why does your brother have a normal name? Normal, obviously not ideal.

• 12:25Speaker 02

  Not, yeah, not ideal.

• 12:26Speaker 03

  But, yeah, my dad just liked, just liked that name.

• 12:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:29Speaker 03

  So we've all got, we've all got names that don't directly relate to.

• 12:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:34Speaker 03

  And also, my surname shouldn't be, Kumar is a very, very traditional North Indian name.

• 12:39Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 12:39Speaker 03

  Shouldn't be that at all.

• 12:40Speaker 02

  No.

• 12:41Speaker 03

  My, my dad just sort of freewheeled it on an immigration form.

• 12:44Speaker 02

  Oh, shame.

• 12:45Speaker 03

  I don't, I think he's been in the country too long for there to be a problem. It's, it's just mild name fraud.

• 12:51Speaker 02

  But you were born here.

• 12:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:53Speaker 02

  But food is essentially, was your grandmother, did she come over when they moved?

• 12:59Speaker 03

  So my dad came here when he was thirty, but my mum, they met here, so my, thank you.

• 13:03Jessie Ware?

  I'm just gonna serve you, is that okay?

• 13:05Speaker 03

  That's fantastic, thank you. Um, my mum and dad met here, even though they're both from Kerala. My mum moved here in nineteen seventy three. She'd been in Kenya, and my grandparents and my mum and aunt and uncle came here in the early seventies and. My granddad was an accountant who then left his job in the early eighties and opened Indian restaurants. So that my family business is Indian restaurants.

• 13:34Speaker 02

  Oh my goodness.

• 13:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  So who's the best cook in your family?

• 13:38Speaker 03

  The best cook in my family sadly this year passed away. So my grandmother died. Uh, listen, she.

• 13:44Speaker 02

  How old was she?

• 13:45Speaker 03

  She was ninety three. It it is very sad because she and I were very close, but. She had an like, she had incredible life.

• 13:54Speaker 02

  What was her best dish?

• 13:56Speaker 03

  She she used to make a mullabah fish curry, like a car of a fish curry that was absolutely bananas. But to be honest, she was so gifted that kind of anything she made.

• 14:04Speaker 02

  Was delicious.

• 14:05Speaker 03

  Was delicious. She used to make an omelette with cashew nuts and red onion. It was so delicious and. She she just had a kind of, she, I think she had a very.

• 14:16Speaker 02

  Talented.

• 14:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, very natural aptitude for cooking and languages. She picked up languages really quickly.

• 14:23Speaker 02

  What did she speak?

• 14:24Speaker 03

  So she spoke, thank you very much. She spoke, uh. Malayalam was her, that's her first language. She also learnt to read and write Hindi in school and English. Then she learnt Tamil and then when she moved to Kenya, she learnt Swahili. And then she also learnt Gujarati because all the Indians in, a lot of the Indians were not South Indian. And she sort of, her and my grandfather kind of just picked up Gujarati by by being sort of immersed in it.

• 14:52Speaker 02

  Can you speak any languages?

• 14:53Speaker 03

  I I can speak English, fine.

• 14:56Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 14:58Speaker 03

  But I can also, I can understand Malayalam because she refused, even though she could, she refused to speak to me in English when I was growing up.

• 15:05Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 15:06Speaker 03

  To make sure that I had some understanding of it. But like, when I speak it, it's very bad because it's, my accent is very poor.

• 15:13Speaker 02

  It's a Croydon.

• 15:16Speaker 03

  Thank you. It's a Croydon accent.

• 15:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:18Speaker 03

  But I can understand it and, but yeah, she had a real aptitude for languages and her cooking was unreal. And even, even when she was like. Much older and unwell, she would sort of make fish cutlets for me, like Indian fish cutlets. And she also used to fry sardines. So she'd get sardines and fry them in chili powder and turmeric. Like in, like quite shallow oil, just unbelievably delicious. So good. And yeah, it just felt like anything she gave for any sort of, because if you ask her recipes for anything.

• 15:57Speaker 03

  If you ask her amounts of stuff, she'd just say, well, you put enough in. Then everything was done by taste and instinct. And she also, I think, had this kind of understanding of.

• 16:10Speaker 03

  Oh, if you put, it's too sweet, so you need to bring something in that you need to put solid. She had that understanding of the chemical balances that needed to happen. And she could tell you. Why something didn't taste right, or when you put too much or too little of a particular thing. No.

• 16:25Jessie Ware?

  Oh.

• 16:26Speaker 03

  My brother is. My brother's a really good cook. My brother has, yeah, Nathan has some of that like instinct, I think.

• 16:33Jessie Ware?

  Yeah.

• 16:33Speaker 03

  I'm a fantastic consumer of food.

• 16:36Jessie Ware?

  I absolutely.

• 16:37Jessie Ware?

  I'm sorry, this is quite bony.

• 16:39Speaker 03

  No, that's perfect. What am I, what are we eating?

• 16:42Jessie Ware?

  Eating baked sea bass with like ginger, lime, crispy onions and chili, um. Chili garlic.

• 16:51Speaker 03

  Oh my god, that is delicious. Oh my god, that is really good.

• 16:54Jessie Ware?

  I didn't get a bony bit.

• 16:57Speaker 03

  This is much better than off menu.

• 17:00Speaker 03

  Off menu can suck it. This is way better. They didn't give me any food.

• 17:05Jessie Ware?

  Listen, we love the off menu, boys. We yet to have both of them on, but we did have Ed and we had a lovely time together. Anyway, so Ash and Bee told me, who I love, who says that you.

• 17:18Speaker 03

  I saw her on Wednesday.

• 17:19Jessie Ware?

  Well, you, you kind of a, like conjoined twins, aren't you? You, you love each other so much. You're with each other kind of every week, right? She said, my baby Nishi. Oh, my baby Nishi.

• 17:30Speaker 03

  That is what her and her, um.

• 17:34Jessie Ware?

  Jack.

• 17:35Speaker 03

  Two-year-old daughter called me Nishi, and Jack, her partner Jack, all three of them call me Nishi. And that actually is my like family name, really. Like my two-year-old nephew calls me Uncle Nishi. And so, and Ash does call me that. Yeah, I saw her, I went to see her tour show on Wednesday.

• 17:50Jessie Ware?

  I'm so annoyed I missed it. She's so, wow, she's amazing.

• 17:53Speaker 03

  It was such a great show. Also, her opening act was Amy Annett, who is my common-law wife.

• 17:59Jessie Ware?

  Oh.

• 18:00Speaker 03

  We're very, Ashling and I are very enmeshed in each other's lives.

• 18:05Jessie Ware?

  How did you two meet?

• 18:07Speaker 03

  We met doing stand-up. So we met at an open-mic gig about, I think probably in about 2010. And then Amy actually briefly worked for an agent, a comedy agent, before she did comedy. And the comedy agent represented Ashling. So A, the three of us have known each other for, I mean, like, you know, well over a decade.

• 18:30Jessie Ware?

  Amy's your girlfriend?

• 18:31Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 18:31Jessie Ware?

  Right. The Canadian?

• 18:33Speaker 03

  Mum's Canadian, dad's American.

• 18:34Jessie Ware?

  Got it.

• 18:35Speaker 03

  She sounds like Mary Poppins.

• 18:36Speaker 02

  Who's funnier, Amy or you?

• 18:38Speaker 03

  She's definitely funnier than me.

• 18:39Speaker 02

  Is she?

• 18:39Speaker 03

  She's definitely.

• 18:40Speaker 02

  Do you make each other laugh all the time?

• 18:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:42Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 18:43Speaker 03

  I think that's, I think that's quite an important part of a functioning, functioning relationship, whether or not you're in comedy. Mum, this is really good.

• 18:52Speaker 02

  Delicious, really delicious.

• 18:54Speaker 03

  Off Menu can suck it.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  I love it.

• 18:58Jessie Ware?

  Now, are we gonna, you know, we, we do do the same question where it's the Last Supper, so

• 19:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:03Jessie Ware?

  we're just gonna see how different it is from Off Menu.

• 19:07Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 19:08Jessie Ware?

  No judgment if it hasn't changed.

• 19:09Speaker 03

  This is so good.

• 19:10Jessie Ware?

  Good, there's loads. So, so I, I missed all the stuff that you, it sounds like you, you ate well when you were younger.

• 19:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, we ate really well. I mean, my mum is a fantastic cook as well. And it shouldn't, it shouldn't go unremarked upon that she is also a brilliant cook. It's just everyone in my family was so enthralled to my grandmother's cooking.

• 19:32Jessie Ware?

  What was that name?

• 19:33Speaker 03

  My grandmother, Padma Kuti.

• 19:35Speaker 02

  Padma Kuti.

• 19:36Speaker 03

  Yeah. Everyone was so fat, like obsessed with her food. And, but yeah, my mum is also a really brilliant cook.

• 19:44Speaker 02

  What is your, if it was birthdays or celebrations or feast days, what would be your celebration meal?

• 19:53Speaker 03

  We love to eat a big biryani.

• 19:57Speaker 03

  It's like the Indian rice dish.

• 19:58Jessie Ware?

  Yeah.

• 19:58Speaker 03

  It sort of has variations across India and Indian communities. And actually, Indian and Arab communities get very territorial about whose biryani is the best biryani. And so they would definitely make like a big biryani. My, when I was a kid, my grandmother would marinate tandoori chicken and then we'd cook that on the barbecue. And she would do, she'd make a kind of homemade tandoori chicken recipe, you know, that kind of really like vivid red. And she would marinate that overnight and then stick it on the barbecue. And so that was a big thing. We, we, we get a lot of kebabs and stuff. Like, there was a guy, there was a pub in Leicester where my grandparents lived,

• 20:42Speaker 03

  where the guy would be barbecuing kebabs in like a sort of brick shack out the back of the pub.

• 20:47Jessie Ware?

  Amazing.

• 20:48Speaker 03

  That I assume was some sort of licensing dodge.

• 20:53Jessie Ware?

  What was it, like a shami kebab or like a chic kebab?

• 20:55Speaker 03

  Chic kebab, really great.

• 20:57Jessie Ware?

  Right.

• 20:57Speaker 03

  So that was like our big. But when I was a kid, my treat food was Pizza Hut. Like Pizza Hut is the thing that I associate with being a kid.

• 21:06Jessie Ware?

  Oh, for birthdays.

• 21:06Speaker 03

  And it's like, if it's treat night, if it's, if it's treat night, the biggest treat you can have is a stuffed crust Pizza Hut.

• 21:14Jessie Ware?

  And also like the ice cream with the, all the toppings.

• 21:16Speaker 03

  Ice cream factory.

• 21:17Jessie Ware?

  Yeah.

• 21:17Speaker 03

  Oh my god, the ice cream factory. God, I signed myself up for type two diabetes. I fear it's coming for me and I fear the Pizza Hut ice cream factory is at least partially responsible.

• 21:29Jessie Ware?

  But I feel like even like the salad bar, it felt so exciting. It was like the Harvester.

• 21:33Speaker 03

  Oh god.

• 21:34Jessie Ware?

  And Pizza Hut had a salad bar. Because they have those little croutons and corn. And the corn. And I just remember it feeling so exciting.

• 21:41Speaker 03

  Oh, it was so good. And then whatever that dressing is, whatever that pink Willy Wonka nonsense was, that we were pouring all over our salad, that I'm pretty sure immediately killed any nutritional.

• 21:53Jessie Ware?

  Yeah, totally. So where were the spots that you were going in Croydon then?

• 21:58Speaker 03

  Well, we used to eat Pizza Hut in Croydon all the time. We absolutely.

• 22:02Jessie Ware?

  We were Stretton High Road, so.

• 22:03Speaker 02

  Oh, we're really from there.

• 22:05Jessie Ware?

  We were like Clapham South, Stretton, like, so, yeah, we are close to each other.

• 22:09Speaker 03

  Can I tell you, some of the greatest Indian food I've ever, some of the greatest, actually, South Asian food I've ever had, happened in Norbury.

• 22:16Jessie Ware?

  Oh, really?

• 22:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, there used to be a Pakistani, sort of Pakistani karahi food place called Mish Masala.

• 22:23Jessie Ware?

  Oh, yeah, been there?

• 22:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's still there.

• 22:25Jessie Ware?

  Is it not the same?

• 22:26Speaker 03

  It's not the same as it once was. I don't mean to disparage the good people of Mish Masala, but when it first opened, it, the whole restaurant was probably about the size of this room that we're in now, and the kitchen was open. So you'd have to wear clothes that you knew you were gonna wash the next day. And it was insanely delicious, like insanely.

• 22:45Speaker 02

  Have you not eaten at the one in Tooting, the Mish Masala there?

• 22:49Speaker 03

  No, I don't think I've been there. I, we used to eat at Norbury, the Norbury Mish Masala all the time. We, we loved it.

• 22:57Jessie Ware?

  I, um, I love the Lahul Karahi.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, the Lahul Karahi.

• 23:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:02Speaker 02

  So good.

• 23:02Speaker 03

  So good.

• 23:03Speaker 02

  But I like the one, is it called Dabs or in East London?

• 23:08Jessie Ware?

  Um, Tyabs.

• 23:09Speaker 03

  Oh, Tyabs, yeah, yeah. Tyabs, the lamb chops at Tyabs are.

• 23:12Speaker 02

  Oh, the best.

• 23:13Speaker 03

  Crazy, yeah. Really, really amazing.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  So what is making you angry this week?

• 23:21Jessie Ware?

  Very good, Mum.

• 23:22Speaker 03

  I'll tell you what's making me angry this week. I actually saw Peter Mandelson in the street.

• 23:27Speaker 02

  You didn't?

• 23:27Speaker 03

  I was on, I was on the phone. Yeah, yeah, actually yesterday, I was walking through Soho, and I was, I was on like a work call. So I was, I was doing a like briefing for a TV show I'm doing. And I sort of turned a corner, and I guess what they heard was just me going, ah! And the guy said, are you okay? And I said, yeah, sorry, just, I just, Peter Mandelson's just walked.

• 23:49Speaker 02

  Ah!

• 23:54Jessie Ware?

  So you couldn't, would you, would you have said something to him? Yeah, you've caused so much bloody trouble. If you weren't on the call, would you have said something?

• 24:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, I have an unfortunate history of not being able to shut my mouth in instances like that. I, there's a story at the end of my last stand up show, which is available online now on YouTube. It's called Nish, Don't Kill My Vibe. And there is a story about that at the end of the show about me

• 24:22Speaker 03

  encountering Boris Johnson. I don't think I would say, I wouldn't say I met him.

• 24:26Jessie Ware?

  Where were you?

• 24:26Speaker 03

  But me and Josh Whittaker were making a TV show where we worked as local newspaper journalists and we were in Blackpool. And they said to us, oh, Boris Johnson's doing an event. Do you want to go? And I ended up chasing his car screaming the C word.

• 24:43Jessie Ware?

  Oh.

• 24:43Speaker 03

  And they were filming it and that footage exists and I kind of tell the full story in the show, but I-

• 24:51Jessie Ware?

  Did he hear you?

• 24:53Speaker 03

  Well, he didn't hear me that time, but there's later footage of him walking around where I'm screaming it and being removed by-

• 25:01Jessie Ware?

  And you weren't doing it for the telly?

• 25:02Speaker 03

  No, I'd forgotten, Amy, my partner, when she watched it, she's, the first thing she said was, you've forgotten that you're on TV. I was so angry because, you know, the, the stuff that guy did to the country was so like egregious and so awful. And it was right in the middle of all of the revelations coming out about the parties they had during Covid. And I think what frustrated me at the time was at one point, they just, they were sort of saying things like, well, no one followed the rules really. And like, I think that's a gross underestimation. Everybody followed the rules. So many of us followed the rules to the letter and because we were trying to protect vulnerable people in our society.

• 25:45Speaker 03

  And so the fact that he couldn't do that, I was so mad with him. And I, I'm, I, it's probably a good thing that I was on the phone when I saw Mandelson.

• 25:54Jessie Ware?

  Right.

• 25:54Speaker 03

  And that he kind of walked past me quite quickly.

• 25:56Jessie Ware?

  How did he look?

• 25:58Speaker 03

  He, I'll say this, he looked very relaxed.

• 26:03Speaker 03

  For a man, for a man who's like, like, he looked very relaxed, but I guess if you maintain a friendship with a convicted paedophile after they're convicted of child sex offences.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  You've got a lot of brass neck.

• 26:16Speaker 03

  You've got the brassiest neck in human history. And yeah, it was, so yes, I'm very angry about the handling of that news.

• 26:33Jessie Ware?

  I'm gonna let you finish your food, but you're gonna have to, whilst you masturbate, you can.

• 26:38Speaker 02

  Jessica.

• 26:39Jessie Ware?

  That is an absolutely acceptable piece of word.

• 26:42Speaker 02

  I know, but you did use that word.

• 26:44Jessie Ware?

  You went there, Lenny, you went there.

• 26:47Speaker 02

  But I knew, yeah, as soon as you said that.

• 26:50Jessie Ware?

  Do you remember when they did that TV, that advert that was all about masturbation? And what was it for? It wasn't for Fanta, it was for something. Does anyone remember? And they used the word masturbation.

• 26:59Speaker 03

  But they knew what they were doing.

• 27:00Speaker 02

  Of course they knew what they were doing, like you just did, darling.

• 27:03Jessie Ware?

  Well, it made me remember it, but I can't actually remember what they, it was like for a crisp or something. Does anyone remember? Anyway, think about your last supper and make it different from off menu, will you?

• 27:12Speaker 03

  It's easy for me because I never actually did my normal menu on off menu. So I did a Christmas episode.

• 27:16Jessie Ware?

  Oh, thank God. Thank you, Ed. Thank you, James.

• 27:19Speaker 03

  My last meal.

• 27:21Jessie Ware?

  For a starter.

• 27:22Speaker 03

  It would be so long as a meal.

• 27:24Jessie Ware?

  Come on, let's go.

• 27:25Speaker 03

  I guess this is the only bit that would be overlapping loosely with off menu, but it would probably be some.

• 27:29Jessie Ware?

  You're fine as well, we love our friends.

• 27:31Speaker 03

  Some kind of kebab combo.

• 27:35Jessie Ware?

  Okay.

• 27:35Speaker 03

  That's like, that's always quite a nice starter.

• 27:37Jessie Ware?

  Is that the starter?

• 27:38Speaker 02

  I love the starter with the lovely minty yoghurt.

• 27:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:42Speaker 03

  You get, you get some of that in there, yeah, you get just.

• 27:44Speaker 02

  A nice little chami.

• 27:45Speaker 03

  Chami kebabs, sheet kebabs, you get them all out, it's very delicious.

• 27:50Speaker 02

  Which meat would you have, lamb?

• 27:51Speaker 03

  Lamb.

• 27:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, lamb kebabs.

• 27:53Jessie Ware?

  You don't eat beef, do you?

• 27:54Speaker 03

  I don't eat beef, correct.

• 27:55Jessie Ware?

  Are you Hindu?

• 27:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:57Jessie Ware?

  Okay, that's why.

• 27:57Speaker 03

  That's why.

• 27:58Jessie Ware?

  Got it. Penny drop.

• 27:59Speaker 03

  I did. Last year, I said to Amy, I'm gonna start eating beef because I'm so sick of this Hindu nationalist movement and as a protest I'm gonna eat beef. And Amy said, that's the most pointless thing I've ever heard in my entire life. You think that's gonna really affect Narendra Modi? Like this guy who's like, dominated Indian politics for over a decade.

• 28:19Jessie Ware?

  Yeah, fuck you, I'm eating beef now, no one knows.

• 28:21Speaker 03

  A man from England has increased his risk of colon cancer, so that's really stuck it to Modi.

• 28:28Jessie Ware?

  Um, so we're going, we're going lamb, chamois, sheep.

• 28:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:32Jessie Ware?

  What are we doing? Drink of choice?

• 28:35Jessie Ware?

  Few different?

• 28:35Speaker 03

  Few different. I guess. I'm never not in the mood, regardless of the weather, for a pint of Guinness. I'm never not in the mood for a pint of Guinness.

• 28:45Jessie Ware?

  You know, there's a great Guinness up the road.

• 28:49Jessie Ware?

  Yeah, babe. One of the best in London.

• 28:51Speaker 02

  Is it draft?

• 28:52Jessie Ware?

  Yeah.

• 28:53Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:54Speaker 03

  I gotta go there. I mean, the.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  Also, the Devonshire.

• 28:57Speaker 03

  I've had Devonshire Guinness, it's fantastic.

• 28:59Jessie Ware?

  Did you, was it fantastic?

• 29:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:00Jessie Ware?

  Or do you think it's just like everyone saying this is great?

• 29:04Speaker 03

  The Tuken is the other one in Soho that everybody's obsessed with for Guinness, and it is good.

• 29:09Speaker 02

  How, where do you stand on Zero?

• 29:11Speaker 03

  Guinness Zero is really good. It's really good.

• 29:13Speaker 02

  You don't know, you don't know.

• 29:15Speaker 03

  I did the other day, I went to my friend's party and I was. I was, I, I was sort of like, I'm quite hungover. I don't think it's a good idea for me to continue drinking. I spent the whole time on the Guinness Zero.

• 29:25Speaker 02

  And you were fine.

• 29:26Speaker 03

  Great. Loved it, loved it.

• 29:27Jessie Ware?

  Okay, so we're having a little Guinness.

• 29:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, little Guinness and some kebabs.

• 29:30Jessie Ware?

  Okay, and then Maine?

• 29:32Speaker 03

  My instinct is. Like to really satisfy my childhood self.

• 29:36Speaker 02

  The Malabar curry.

• 29:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, the fish curry.

• 29:39Jessie Ware?

  From your grandma.

• 29:40Speaker 03

  The fish curry for my grandma.

• 29:42Speaker 02

  But the biryani from your mum.

• 29:44Speaker 03

  Also, there could be, there could be biryani.

• 29:50Speaker 03

  The biryani at Jim Carner is crazy.

• 29:53Speaker 02

  I've never been to Jim Carner. Never been.

• 29:55Speaker 03

  Jim Carner, when we were kids.

• 29:56Speaker 02

  Where is it, Jess?

• 29:57Jessie Ware?

  It's in So, um, Mayfair.

• 29:58Speaker 03

  Mayfair. When we were kids. We, my dad used to go to like fancy Indian restaurant, because the real Indian food we'd get at places, you know. Places in Croydon, like in, or in Tooting or Wembley, and they'd look like. Like canteens at a university. You'd walk in and you'd think, this place isn't passing its health inspection. And then the food would be unbelievable. You'd roll your dice on a one out of five health rating. But that, that you've got, that was the only place to get authentic Indian food. And if you went to a fancy Indian restaurant, it would be really sanitized bland food. And I think the thing that Jim Carner has done that is amazing is they've managed to make fancy Indian food taste good. And actually, they do a monk jack biryani, which is, I think, deer meat.

• 30:42Speaker 02

  Monk Jack, so that's vegetarian.

• 30:44Speaker 03

  No, no, it's deer. They're like a type of deer.

• 30:46Speaker 02

  Why are people eating poor little deers?

• 30:48Speaker 03

  I know.

• 30:49Jessie Ware?

  Mum, shut up. Just don't go to Jim Carner.

• 30:52Speaker 02

  I don't think you can, I, I, I think you have to shoot them, darling.

• 30:57Jessie Ware?

  My word.

• 30:58Speaker 03

  You've gotta shoot a mung jack.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  It's their little baby mung.

• 31:02Jessie Ware?

  Oh, stop. Do you, your favourite food is lamb. What are you talking about?

• 31:06Speaker 02

  They're not lambs though, they're little bambis.

• 31:09Jessie Ware?

  What are, what are lambs mum? Little sheep.

• 31:13Speaker 02

  I haven't eaten a lot of lamb recently.

• 31:15Jessie Ware?

  Oh, oh, you're making a protest to go for the little lambs. Okay, anyway. So we've got the biryani.

• 31:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, but then I also would feel bad if my last meal wasn't a big pizza.

• 31:26Jessie Ware?

  Which pizza are you going for?

• 31:28Speaker 03

  I, I, I.

• 31:29Speaker 02

  Where do you stand on pineapple?

• 31:32Speaker 03

  I, I'm not angered by it. It's not my preferred, it's not my choice.

• 31:35Jessie Ware?

  I love a Hawaiian sometimes.

• 31:37Speaker 03

  I don't mind, I'm not angry about it.

• 31:39Jessie Ware?

  What, what are you going for and which place?

• 31:42Speaker 03

  I mean, there's some really good South London pizza chains.

• 31:48Jessie Ware?

  Come on.

• 31:48Speaker 03

  Four Hundred Rabbits, Mama Dough, these are really good.

• 31:51Jessie Ware?

  No, I see your Mama Dough and your Four Hundred Rabbits, respect. Eating at both of them.

• 31:55Speaker 02

  Dinner for one hundred.

• 31:56Jessie Ware?

  Come and have a pizza with me up the hill.

• 31:58Speaker 03

  Where?

• 31:59Jessie Ware?

  Dinner for one hundred.

• 32:00Speaker 03

  Okay, fine.

• 32:00Speaker 02

  I think they do.

• 32:01Jessie Ware?

  Or they're on Everly Road in London.

• 32:03Speaker 03

  Racking up the reinvites.

• 32:03Speaker 02

  Jesse, they're also serving a Hootenanny dinner for one hundred.

• 32:07Jessie Ware?

  Hootenanny? Really? Okay, now that's fine, that's in Brixton.

• 32:10Speaker 02

  I went to the.

• 32:11Jessie Ware?

  You went to a drum and bass rave at Hootenanny?

• 32:14Speaker 02

  I went to the Afro Social Club for a quiz night on Monday.

• 32:17Speaker 03

  Really?

• 32:18Speaker 02

  For home start, yeah.

• 32:20Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 32:21Jessie Ware?

  Please try the dinner for one hundred.

• 32:23Speaker 03

  But, okay, I definitely will. But then also here's the other thing.

• 32:26Jessie Ware?

  Come on, what?

• 32:27Speaker 03

  What am I doing? I've got to have some tacos. If it's my last meal.

• 32:31Jessie Ware?

  Where are you getting your tacos from?

• 32:32Speaker 03

  I, I went on holiday to Mexico City.

• 32:34Jessie Ware?

  It's the best place.

• 32:35Speaker 03

  It's the best place. It's the best place. And we had a taco from a taco stand.

• 32:40Jessie Ware?

  Yeah.

• 32:40Speaker 03

  And it was a longaniza.

• 32:42Jessie Ware?

  You rolled that, you rolled that dice as well?

• 32:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:44Jessie Ware?

  Okay. Was it recommended?

• 32:46Speaker 03

  I was with my, uh.

• 32:47Jessie Ware?

  You were there to gamble?

• 32:48Speaker 03

  Amy's brother.

• 32:49Jessie Ware?

  Okay, why? What does Amy's brother do? Okay, fine, okay.

• 32:52Speaker 03

  And so he had been there, so he, he, he took us to this place. And it was, it's like a kind of Mexican chorizo, like it's a spicy sausage. And they just cook it as whole sausages and then he just chopped up a bit of it on this kind of wooden cutting board. And then he kind of, he basically turned it into mince. He diced it in front of us. Put it in the taco. Unreal hot sauce.

• 33:11Jessie Ware?

  Do you remember what it was called?

• 33:12Speaker 03

  It's called longaniza.

• 33:13Jessie Ware?

  I'm adding it to my Mexico City Google map.

• 33:15Speaker 03

  I'll tell you where the, um, I, I'll, I'll find out the name of the exact stand because that, uh.

• 33:19Jessie Ware?

  We're now going to swap numbers. This is really going well, guys.

• 33:22Speaker 02

  Well, I, I get on to pinch another podcast, but how hot can you go?

• 33:26Jessie Ware?

  It's not a podcast. What is it darling? It's your finest YouTube series.

• 33:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:29Jessie Ware?

  How hot can you go?

• 33:31Speaker 03

  Hot, like really hot.

• 33:33Jessie Ware?

  Were you trained?

• 33:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, I eat, I, I've eaten hot food a lot and, and I also, I, I love like hot sauce. Like I, I really am a huge fan of it.

• 33:45Jessie Ware?

  Which hot sauce are you getting?

• 33:46Speaker 03

  You know, there, there's your sort of classics, the, um, you know, Tabasco, Encona, the West Indian pepper sauce, that is crazy. Um, there's a company, there's a South London hot sauce company and they do, they're called Firefire. It's like Firefire sauce and it's really very good.

• 34:08Jessie Ware?

  So, okay, we've got like a really very, what are your toppings on your pizza?

• 34:13Speaker 03

  I get the, um, I had goat's cheese, caramelised red onion and I added anchovies.

• 34:19Jessie Ware?

  Oh.

• 34:20Speaker 03

  Delicious.

• 34:21Jessie Ware?

  Oh wow, that's a bit of.

• 34:22Speaker 03

  Goat's cheese, caramelised red onion, anchovies, fantastic.

• 34:26Jessie Ware?

  See, I've never put that combination together.

• 34:28Speaker 03

  Really good. It was really good.

• 34:30Jessie Ware?

  What was that? Where was that? Marmado?

• 34:32Speaker 03

  That's from Marmado, yeah.

• 34:33Jessie Ware?

  Okay. Um, pudding? You into sweets?

• 34:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, I have talked about this at length, not just on a live off menu, but like a couple of different podcasts. But actually some of them weren't even about food, but, um, there's a cafe in Manchester called Idle Hands and the pies they make are unreal, sweet pies.

• 34:53Jessie Ware?

  Ooh.

• 34:53Speaker 03

  And they used to make a banana cream pie.

• 34:55Jessie Ware?

  Oh no.

• 34:56Speaker 03

  And I talked about it so much and I've eaten it so much that when they changed the recipe, they changed it to a slightly different recipe.

• 35:01Jessie Ware?

  You knew, you knew.

• 35:03Speaker 03

  No, they told me, they warned me.

• 35:05Jessie Ware?

  Oh my god. Did you?

• 35:06Speaker 03

  I got a message from Dave who runs it saying, just so you know, we've decided to change the recipe. Lucy, who makes the pies, is an artist and she is, and she was like, she's deciding to change the recipe. I said, I would never interrupt the work of an artist. She must change the recipe if that's what she desires. But I have talked about that pie so much that when they retired the recipe, they presented me with the artwork that a local artist had done for them to decorate the shop of the banana cream pie. So I now have that, I have that painting.

• 35:39Jessie Ware?

  But can you, can you tell me whether the new recipe is as good?

• 35:44Speaker 03

  The new one is as good, yeah.

• 35:46Jessie Ware?

  Okay, fine.

• 35:46Speaker 03

  To be honest.

• 35:47Jessie Ware?

  Thank god.

• 35:47Speaker 03

  You can't, you can't go wrong with any of their pies. They're all absolutely incredible. I mean, other desserts, obviously. All I ever want to eat is Ben and Jerry's fish food. If I was left to my own devices, that's all I would eat.

• 36:01Speaker 02

  I like Chunky Monkey.

• 36:02Speaker 03

  I love Chunky Monk. I love Chunky Monkey.

• 36:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:05Speaker 03

  You know, a lot of people don't like the banana ice cream.

• 36:06Speaker 02

  No, I love it.

• 36:07Speaker 03

  You know where you can get it?

• 36:07Speaker 02

  Where?

• 36:08Speaker 03

  Cinema.

• 36:09Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 36:09Speaker 03

  At the Ben and Jerry's stands at the cinema, you can get Chunky Monkey. You used to be able to get Satisfy My Bowl, which is a bit like Chunky Monkey, but it had, I think, like, I think it had walnuts in it.

• 36:20Speaker 02

  Mmm.

• 36:21Speaker 03

  But Chunky Monkey, that's banana ice cream with the chocolate cheese.

• 36:24Speaker 02

  So what if you had your, we had Brandy Carlisle on here and she said, I know I would have my own ice cream and it was called Candy Barle. I mean, it's beautiful. That's beautiful. They did it for her. Did they really? So tell us what you'd like, Nish.

• 36:41Speaker 03

  Nish food?

• 36:42Speaker 02

  Nish food! Yes! Well done, darling.

• 36:47Speaker 03

  I, I, I, but the problem with Nish food is I think it would, A.

• 36:50Speaker 02

  What would be in it, though?

• 36:51Speaker 03

  I mean, the problem is I'd probably be describing Chunky Monkey because I love banana ice cream and, but I, I also really, really like, um, any kind of, like, any ice cream that's either Snickers ice cream or imitation Snickers ice cream, like the, um.

• 37:09Speaker 02

  The peanut?

• 37:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, the peanuts.

• 37:11Speaker 02

  Ben and Jerry's peanut one was really good, too.

• 37:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's very good as well, yeah. The, the Bull and Last in, um, Kenish Town used, used to have a Snickers ice cream and it was absolutely delicious. But if I could design, I, I think this is probably, what I'm talking about is hazelnut, but I would like Nish food and it would have to be a cross promo with Kinder Bueno. Because I would ultimately.

• 37:33Speaker 02

  You want the hazelnut?

• 37:35Speaker 03

  I want the, I want Kinder Bueno's turned into an ice cream. Nish food.

• 37:39Speaker 02

  That sounds amazing. It's kind of wafers and Nutella, really.

• 37:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's wafers and Nutella. It's, it's wafers and Nutella.

• 37:44Speaker 02

  Have you got any ice cream?

• 37:46Jessie Ware?

  Yeah, I do.

• 37:46Speaker 02

  To go with the cake.

• 37:47Jessie Ware?

  Yeah, I do, but it's not like, you know what, I just finished. Okay, so my favourite Hargan does is Pralines and Cream.

• 37:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, very nice.

• 37:55Jessie Ware?

  They did a limited edition pistachio, like, and cream, and it was.

• 37:59Speaker 03

  Was it great? We, when I was a kid, one of our other big treat foods was we'd go to Chinatown.

• 38:04Jessie Ware?

  Yeah.

• 38:04Speaker 03

  Have a massive Chinese meal, and then, oh man, the duck and pancakes.

• 38:09Jessie Ware?

  Okay.

• 38:09Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 38:09Jessie Ware?

  Get it in there with the chow mein.

• 38:11Speaker 02

  I think you've got to have that at the beginning.

• 38:12Speaker 03

  When I was in, I, I, I made a TV show with Joel Domit many years ago.

• 38:17Jessie Ware?

  This travelling one.

• 38:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, where we, where he's like, likes doing CrossFit, which is sort of prison workouts for people who don't belong to a socio-economic bracket that means they're ever gonna go to jail. But it's, he, it's like real world fitness, so it's, and so we, we went to places where people just do that because that's the way they lived, like tribal people.

• 38:34Jessie Ware?

  Had you ever done it before?

• 38:35Speaker 03

  I didn't do anything. My job was, they realised Joel couldn't present the show and run an ultra marathon or lift up a tree trunk. So my job was basically to host the show and, you know, just chat to people. And so I had the best job in TV.

• 38:48Jessie Ware?

  And he got really fair.

• 38:49Speaker 03

  And he was running around doing all sorts of stuff, and I'd be there sort of just chatting with everyone.

• 38:53Speaker 02

  You were like the Phil Rosenthal of this.

• 38:55Speaker 03

  Basically, yeah, yeah, essentially. And I would just walk around, meet people, and then, and then we just ate food from all over the place. And I mean, the, the, the thing that I think about all the time was I had, the hotel we were staying at in China, I had tea braised pork belly.

• 39:10Jessie Ware?

  Ooh.

• 39:11Speaker 03

  So it's like the pork belly is marinated with tea leaves, and then the side dish was a fried aubergine with Szechuan peppers. And the Szechuan peppers that make your tongue, tongue slightly numb. Love that.

• 39:23Jessie Ware?

  Go to Jacconi for that, because she does one, Revinda does it.

• 39:26Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 39:27Jessie Ware?

  And they do the tingly, it's like, you're like, am I going numb, or am I having an anaphylactic shock, or am I loving this? It's amazing. We love Revinda.

• 39:36Speaker 03

  Okay, I'm in for that.

• 39:37Jessie Ware?

  It's tingly and delicious.

• 39:38Speaker 03

  What's this?

• 39:39Speaker 02

  It's a chocolate coconut cake.

• 39:41Speaker 03

  Great.

• 39:42Speaker 02

  I don't know whether it's great or not great.

• 39:44Speaker 03

  Fantastic.

• 39:44Speaker 02

  Because I've never made it before, but it does have good ingredients. Jessie, I'll give a small, don't overdo it, give a small cue. Only, well, maybe, I should bring it here, darling.

• 39:58Speaker 02

  Because we're gonna start with a small cube and then move on to a bigger cube. So I need a knife and we need spoons.

• 40:05Jessie Ware?

  Yes, got it.

• 40:06Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 40:07Jessie Ware?

  Nish, tell me where you're going on your tour in September it starts?

• 40:11Speaker 03

  We start in September, yeah.

• 40:12Jessie Ware?

  Where are you going in it? Are there any spots that you're gonna eat in?

• 40:15Speaker 03

  We start in Ireland, actually, this time. So I'm doing Cork and Dublin and then I'll hop over to do Belfast. And then we kind of go all over.

• 40:24Jessie Ware?

  You can have more.

• 40:25Speaker 03

  Thank you very much. And then we kind of go all over the, the UK. And there's a lot of, it's hard for me to eat like massive dinners when I'm on, when I've got to do a stand-up show because nobody needs to hear me burping my way through.

• 40:40Speaker 02

  Masturbating or burping, yeah.

• 40:42Jessie Ware?

  You said it, Benny. I can't give you this bad ice cream because I know you're a good ice cream person.

• 40:48Speaker 03

  Why? I have bad ice cream.

• 40:49Jessie Ware?

  No, but I do need you to try it and it's not because we're just sponsored by them. These are delicious. Just try one. Have you tried the bonbons?

• 40:56Speaker 03

  No.

• 40:57Jessie Ware?

  Babe.

• 40:57Speaker 03

  The mac and bonbon.

• 40:58Jessie Ware?

  Babe, they're so good. I don't know, you're getting a gold caramel billionaire. Try it. They just like pop in your mouth.

• 41:05Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 41:06Jessie Ware?

  That's like, it's good, innit?

• 41:09Speaker 03

  I can't have this in my house. I can't have that immediately. As soon as I ate it, all I could think was, I cannot have this in my house. That cannot be in my house.

• 41:18Jessie Ware?

  Because they just go boop and they're gone. Moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

• 41:22Speaker 03

  That cannot be in my house. And that's the best recommendation I could ever say.

• 41:26Jessie Ware?

  It's good, innit?

• 41:27Speaker 03

  The biting of the ice cream, yeah.

• 41:28Speaker 02

  You might need something to get this.

• 41:29Jessie Ware?

  I'm gonna, okay, what? Because it's dry, is it dry? I can't give you the Swedish glace. You're not, you're not dairy free.

• 41:38Jessie Ware?

  Bit dry.

• 41:39Speaker 02

  It is, but there's masses of coconut in there that was sitting in coconut milk. And I don't think it tastes very coconutty.

• 41:47Speaker 03

  Mmm, that's real good.

• 41:49Speaker 02

  Do you like it?

• 41:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, I love it. That's really nice.

• 41:53Speaker 02

  There was 250 grams of desiccated coconut that I soaked in coconut milk.

• 41:59Speaker 03

  It's really good.

• 42:00Speaker 02

  It doesn't taste coconutty, does it?

• 42:04Speaker 03

  The chocolate is really delicious.

• 42:07Jessie Ware?

  So tell me, where are you eating?

• 42:10Speaker 03

  So I'm very excited about the network of coffee shops that I frequent while I'm on tour.

• 42:17Jessie Ware?

  Are you a coffee pre-

• 42:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, and also they often come along with some sort of treat, pastry-based treat. So I love Full Court Press in Bristol, I think it's amazing. Idle Hands, obviously, in Manchester is incredible. I absolutely love Coffra in Norwich. Coffra Coffee, and I always buy beans from there. I'm gonna be in Edinburgh in August for the Fringe, and there's a place called Cult there. Cult Coffee is amazing. Also, there's a Thai place called Ting Thai in Edinburgh. Delicious. Absolutely delicious. They started like as a kind of food van, I think, and then had a temporary shop. And now they've got, I think, two or three in Edinburgh now.

• 42:59Jessie Ware?

  Will you join Phil Wang for like, you know, rating noodles?

• 43:03Speaker 03

  Phil Wang's noodle ratings are a really important part of how I find good noodles.

• 43:10Speaker 03

  Like, I'm a huge reader of the Slurpees when he awards the various noodle places. And he is the person that went to Noodles and Dumplings in Edinburgh, which is so good. And that's why now we all go there and it's borderline impossible to get a table.

• 43:26Speaker 02

  Before we let you go, can you give us a nostalgic toast that can transport you back somewhere?

• 43:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, loads. I mean, you know what I had yesterday that I haven't had in ages?

• 43:36Speaker 02

  What?

• 43:36Speaker 03

  Someone should give me a chocolate digestive.

• 43:39Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 43:39Speaker 03

  I've had a chocolate digestive.

• 43:41Speaker 02

  They're freely available, you know, in the UK.

• 43:44Speaker 03

  You know what it is? In the same way that I can't allow those bonbons in my house-

• 43:48Speaker 02

  You can't buy them, because you eat the whole pack.

• 43:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's it. It's gone. I just post the entire thing, packaging and all.

• 43:53Speaker 02

  I'm obsessed with Borders chocolate ginger biscuits. Have you had them?

• 43:58Jessie Ware?

  Well, they're quite thin.

• 43:59Speaker 02

  They're very thin, ginger biscuits with a bit of chocolate, and they're dark, dark chocolate with a ginger. Just have to-

• 44:07Speaker 03

  I'm popping lint balls.

• 44:09Speaker 02

  Lint balls? What, the Lindor?

• 44:12Speaker 03

  Yeah. I don't think you're really supposed to buy those for yourself. I think you're supposed to buy them as gifts.

• 44:16Speaker 02

  You're right.

• 44:17Speaker 03

  But I buy them and I'm just popping them.

• 44:19Speaker 02

  Of course you are. This is helping your creativity, darling.

• 44:24Speaker 02

  Don't even think of it as something negative. There's too much negativity out there.

• 44:29Speaker 03

  That lint balls are to me what Harriman was to Keith Richards.

• 44:34Speaker 03

  It fuels our creativity.

• 44:37Speaker 02

  Fueling creativity, those lint balls.

• 44:39Jessie Ware?

  Back to the chocolate digestive, where did it take you back to?

• 44:42Speaker 03

  It it truly immediately took me back to primary school.

• 44:48Speaker 02

  Could you get them at primary school?

• 44:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, I remember choc- chocolate digestive.

• 44:51Jessie Ware?

  Would you have them after school?

• 44:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'd have them after school.

• 44:54Jessie Ware?

  Was it a happy memory?

• 44:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's a hap- definitely a happy memory.

• 44:57Speaker 02

  Dark or milk chocolate?

• 44:59Speaker 03

  Uh, milk chocolate. But dark chocolate, I would like dark chocolate now. But that's not a, when when you're a child and somebody gives you dark chocolate, you're like, oh, great, what are we pooping in candy floss now? Why have you ruined the most delicious thing in the world? Like, handing a child dark chocolate is, it's it's so frustrating.

• 45:16Speaker 02

  And then, yeah. As you get older, you, actually, I never thought I'd like dark.

• 45:20Speaker 03

  No.

• 45:20Speaker 02

  But I do start to.

• 45:21Speaker 03

  Your palate changes, it's delicious. But to a kid, dark chocolate is the most great.

• 45:26Jessie Ware?

  It's like medicine.

• 45:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, why don't you just, why don't you just punch me in the mouth?

• 45:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly.

• 45:30Speaker 03

  It's, but, um, it, yeah, it really immediately transported me back. I think because I've, I tried to restrict my biscuit intake. So now when I actually do have a biscuit, it reminds me of, um, someone, I I had a bourbon biscuit, like chocolate bourbon.

• 45:47Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 45:48Speaker 03

  I had one of those and that is a real, that im- immediately, bourbon's custard creams.

• 45:54Speaker 02

  And the strawberry wafer.

• 45:55Speaker 03

  And the strawberry wafer. And immediately, it's the mid nineties.

• 45:59Speaker 02

  Mm.

• 46:00Speaker 03

  The charts are dominated by.

• 46:02Speaker 02

  Britpop.

• 46:02Speaker 03

  Eternal and Britpop.

• 46:04Speaker 02

  And Britney? No, she was later.

• 46:06Speaker 03

  This is pre-Britney.

• 46:07Speaker 02

  Pre-Britney.

• 46:08Speaker 03

  This is pre-Britney. This is real like mid nineties in Croydon. The Whitfield Centre is thriving.

• 46:13Speaker 02

  Okay, then that, the the golden age of Croydon.

• 46:17Speaker 03

  The the Tory government is mired in sleaze. David Mellows banging in a Chelsea top.

• 46:23Speaker 02

  I remember that. You're right.

• 46:27Speaker 03

  John Major's banging Edwina Curry. We didn't even know about that.

• 46:29Speaker 02

  I know.

• 46:30Jessie Ware?

  What?

• 46:30Speaker 02

  Didn't you know?

• 46:32Jessie Ware?

  No.

• 46:32Speaker 03

  Major Curry?

• 46:33Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 46:34Jessie Ware?

  What?

• 46:34Speaker 02

  Major wasn't, she wasn't very political.

• 46:36Speaker 03

  Major, no, but we didn't know this at the time. It was like, it came out a few years later. That while John Major was Prime Minister, he was having an affair with Edwina Curry.

• 46:44Speaker 02

  About eggs.

• 46:46Jessie Ware?

  What?

• 46:47Speaker 02

  She was the person who said you shouldn't eat eggs.

• 46:49Speaker 03

  We, we, we don't know if the eggs were in any way part of their sexual interactions.

• 46:55Speaker 02

  And poor Norma was long suffering.

• 46:58Jessie Ware?

  Nish, you've been amazing.

• 47:00Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 47:01Speaker 03

  Listen, I will, I would do this podcast literally every week.

• 47:04Speaker 02

  Could you?

• 47:04Speaker 03

  Yeah. Are you kidding me?

• 47:05Jessie Ware?

  Maybe like Nish fills in when Lenny goes on a fucking long holiday.

• 47:09Speaker 03

  I don't think I'd quite have, I don't think I'd have quite have.

• 47:12Speaker 02

  You won't have the gall to ask people terrible questions.

• 47:15Speaker 03

  And also I don't think it would, me calling you Jessica wouldn't quite have the same level of authority.

• 47:20Jessie Ware?

  Listen, we can see how it goes. Um, thank you. Um, tell everyone when your, um, tour starts.

• 47:26Speaker 03

  Uh, my tour starts, uh, in September. Actually, my tour starts with a work in progress run at the Edinburgh Fringe and then goes on from September to the end of December. All of the information is available at nishkumar.co.uk.

• 47:39Jessie Ware?

  Isn't that a bit stressful doing your work in progress at the Edinburgh Festival?

• 47:42Speaker 03

  Well, I, I.

• 47:44Jessie Ware?

  That's BDE there, right there. Isn't it? Must be a bloody good tour.

• 47:50Speaker 03

  It's TDE, it's thick dick energy.

• 47:57Jessie Ware?

  Very good.

• 48:12Jessie Ware?

  Nish Kumar, love him so much.

• 48:16Speaker 02

  I did have to stop myself looking into his eyes.

• 48:19Jessie Ware?

  Oh my god, his eyes.

• 48:20Speaker 02

  The most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen. I don't like to objectify anyone, but you've got great eyes, Nish.

• 48:25Jessie Ware?

  He is fab and funny and makes you feel like you're quite funny too.

• 48:30Speaker 02

  Funny. He laughs at everything, darling.

• 48:33Jessie Ware?

  And he was very nice about the food. I thought the food was nice.

• 48:35Speaker 02

  I thought it was. I thought my, my cake.

• 48:38Jessie Ware?

  Yeah.

• 48:39Speaker 02

  Was a bit dry, but I don't understand why. It was actually, it was almonds and coconut.

• 48:46Jessie Ware?

  It went down really well. The whole team have had it.

• 48:49Speaker 02

  Okay, and everyone liked it, I think, didn't they? Yeah.

• 48:51Jessie Ware?

  Yes.

• 48:51Speaker 02

  Good.

• 48:52Jessie Ware?

  And it meant that I could get the.

• 48:53Speaker 02

  And the children will have some.

• 48:54Jessie Ware?

  Squirty cream out, so I'm happy.

• 48:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, I love a squirty cream.

• 48:57Jessie Ware?

  Thank you to Nish for coming on. His new show Angry Humour from a Really Nice Guy is touring all over the UK. Or you can catch him at Edinburgh Fringe if you're lucky, but otherwise go and check him out or you'll find him in a coffee shop when he's touring.

• 49:10Speaker 02

  And in London, he's playing two big empires.

• 49:13Jessie Ware?

  Yeah, he's amazing.

• 49:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, I love him.

• 49:16Jessie Ware?

  I would love to go.

• 49:17Speaker 02

  Me too. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching and we'll see you next week for more Telenews.