#308 Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn - TikTok's #1 Sex Educator on Why Relationships Are Failing

Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn is a tenured professor of Human Communication Studies at California State University, Fullerton, where she specializes in sexual and relational communication, online communication, and interpersonal relationships. Her work focuses on how people talk about intimacy, dating, culture, and long-term partnership and how communication shapes everything from attraction and compatibility to emotional connection and relationship longevity. Dr. Tara earned her Ph. D. in Interpersonal Communication from Arizona State University after completing her graduate studies in human communication in California. Her academic research explores the science behind how people form, maintain, and sometimes lose meaningful relationships in a rapidly changing social and technological world. Beyond the classroom, Dr. Tara has become a widely recognized relationship and sex expert, frequently appearing in major media outlets including Forbes, Cosmopolitan, Insider, and Men’s Health, and serving as a dating expert on the television series Celebs Go Dating. She is also the host of the Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast, a columnist for Women’s Health Magazine, and a co-host of the iconic relationship advice radio show Loveline. Through her research, media work, and public education, Dr. Tara bridges academic science with real-world conversations about love, intimacy, communication, sexuality, and human connection, helping people better understand how relationships work and how healthier communication can transform the way we love. Shawn Ryan Show Sponsors: Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get 20% off with promo code SRS at https://shopmando.com! #mandopod Upgrade your wallet today! Get up to 40% off at Ridge during their Father's Day Sale when you go to https://www. Ridge.com/SRS #Ridgepod Head to https://superpower.com and use code SRS at checkout for $20 off your membership. Unlock your new health intelligence with 100+ biomarkers tested every year. Go to https://shopbeam.com/SRS and use code SRS to get up to 50% off Beam Dream, the sleep formula designed to help you recover and wake up refreshed. Search onX Offroad in the App Store or Google Play to access an off-road navigation app with trail maps, land boundaries, camping info, and offline capability. https://www.onxmaps.com/offroad/app Live better longer with BUBS Naturals. Get 20% OFF on collagen, MCT creamers, and more with code SHAWN at https://bubsnaturals.com/srs Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn Links: IG - https://www.instagram.com/luvbites.co TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@luvbites.co YT - https://www.youtube.com/@Luvbitesco WEB - https://www.luvbites.co/about Women's Health Column - https://www.womenshealthmag.com/uk/sexplore-dr-tara LOVELINE - https://www.audacy.com/kroq/latest/loveline-is-back-on-kroq-listen-to-the-first-episode-now Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:35Shawn Ryan?

  Dr. Tara, welcome to the show.

• 0:38Speaker 02

  Hi, Sean. Thanks for having me.

• 0:39Shawn Ryan?

  It's my pleasure, my pleasure. So we're going to talk all about sex today. The forbidden topic that nobody wants to talk about, but everybody wants to hear about. And some of the stuff about your new book, the new TV show that you're doing. And I have a lot of questions about men. About men, what they're doing wrong, what the communication skills, like all that stuff. I know you're comms expert. So let me start you off with an introduction here. Actually, I have no idea how to pronounce your last name.

• 1:14Speaker 02

  I love that. Do you want me to teach you?

• 1:17Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah, let's hear it.

• 1:18Speaker 02

  So I usually go by Dr. Tara. It's a branding decision. But it's Suwin Yachy Chai Porn. And this is how I teach my students. You sue someone, then you win. You go on a yacht, you drink some tea, which is a chai, and you may or may not watch some porn.

• 1:41Shawn Ryan?

  Suwin Yachy Porn.

• 1:43Speaker 02

  Suwin Yachy Chai Porn.

• 1:45Shawn Ryan?

  Suwin Yachy, Suwin Yachy Chai Porn.

• 1:48Speaker 02

  Perfect.

• 1:49Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 1:50Speaker 02

  Beautiful.

• 1:51Shawn Ryan?

  I'm just going to call you Dr. Tara.

• 1:53Speaker 02

  Perfect. My students call me that. They just go, "Yeah, we're going to call Dr. Tara."

• 2:01Shawn Ryan?

  So let me give you a brief introduction here. Dr. Tara, born in Bangkok, Thailand, you immigrated to the United States for graduate school and earned your PhD in human communication entirely in your second language. You were a tenured professor of sexual and relational communication at Cal State Fullerton, where you earned tenure at just 33 years old, one of the youngest in your department to do it. Your landmark study of 5,000 Americans found that more than one-third of people in relationships are sexually unsatisfied, and that communication, not technique or frequency, is the struggle

• 2:42Shawn Ryan?

  is the, excuse me, is the single most powerful predictor of a great sex life. With over 2.3 million followers, you are TikTok's number one sex educator and Paper Magazine dubbed you as the internet's resident sexpert. On top of all of that, you are the sex and dating expert on the UK reality show Celebs Go Dating, a columnist at Women's Health Magazine, and sex expert on the new season of 90 Day, the last resort TLC HBO show coming out June 1st. Congratulations. Your most recent book is How Do You Like It?, A Guide For Getting What You Want In Bed,

• 3:23Shawn Ryan?

  and your mission has always been the same: Less shame, more pleasure. Again, welcome to the show.

• 3:31Speaker 02

  Thank you. Are you having an orgasmic day?

• 3:33Shawn Ryan?

  I hope I'm about to. So, but, um, yeah, so I've had one other show, kinda about this, and it was a nice change-up. We have a lot of heavy topics. Not that this isn't a heavy topic, but it's a little bit lighter than some of the stuff that I cover, and, uh, and it was wildly successful, so.

• 3:58Speaker 02

  I think you were right when you said, you know, people don't want to talk about it, but they want to hear about it.

• 4:02Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah, nobody wants to talk about sex, but they all want to hear about it, right?

• 4:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:06Shawn Ryan?

  And the privacy of their...

• 4:07Speaker 02

  And it's so important. It's the most universal human behavior. What else do we do? We eat, we go to the bathroom, and we have sex.

• 4:15Shawn Ryan?

  That's right. That's right. Sometimes we sleep.

• 4:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:19Shawn Ryan?

  But that depends on how much sex we're having, right?

• 4:21Speaker 02

  You can sleep and have sex.

• 4:25Shawn Ryan?

  So I want to kind of start off with, how did you get into this?

• 4:30Speaker 02

  Um, it's a long story, but I'm, I got into this because I went to graduate school for human communication, studying relationships. So I focused on relationships, romantic relationships. And the reason why I wanted to study that, because I saw a longitudinal study from Harvard that showed that social relationships are what makes life worthwhile. Social relationships are the strongest predictor of life satisfaction and what makes people the happiest. So I thought, okay, why not study the thing that makes people the happiest? Relationships. And as I investigated further into romantic relationships, I learned that there are a

• 5:13Speaker 02

  few issues that are universal, global issues. Regardless of what your gender is, your sexual orientation, where you're from, what your religion is, like, everybody has these issues. And one of them is sex. So I thought, why not study and talk about and teach something that is a solution to such a big, universal problem?

• 5:36Shawn Ryan?

  Interesting. Were you always, were you always this open? I know you grew up, you grew up a Catholic.

• 5:42Speaker 02

  I grew up in Thailand as a Buddhist, and I went to an all-girls Catholic school.

• 5:48Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 5:48Speaker 02

  So like a double whammy of messages based on organized religion.

• 5:54Shawn Ryan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 5:54Speaker 02

  Because... I grew up with very sexually repressive parents. They did their best and they have been and they are very loving. But at the same time, they have their own limitations. I think, you know, as you get older, you learn that your parents try their best. And they have their own limitations. And one of those limitations is they tend to shame people based on sexuality. So since I was young, if I wore a miniskirt or if I talk about certain things that are related to sexuality or someone being sexy on TV, for example, they would immediately shush me or say like, "Oh, like, good girls don't say things like that." Or, you know, "Good girls don't wear things like that."

• 6:39Speaker 02

  So I think from young age, I had an idea of what it's like to be a good woman. Same with messages I get from school. I went to an all-girls Catholic school. I mean, granted, when you go to an all-girls school, a lot of girls thought they're lesbians, by the way, because that's all you're exposed to, just girls.

• 7:03Speaker 02

  But within the teachings of Catholicism as well, there's a lot of shame-based messages when it comes to sexual exploration. Things that scientifically we know are normal and healthy. So I battled through a lot of those preconceived notions and messages, insecurities, low sexual self-esteem, for a long time. I'd say I've never had a real orgasm until I was almost thirty.

• 7:35Shawn Ryan?

  Are you serious?

• 7:36Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:36Shawn Ryan?

  Wow, wow.

• 7:38Speaker 02

  I know. When did you have your first orgasm, Sean?

• 7:42Shawn Ryan?

  Probably at like ten or eleven.

• 7:44Speaker 02

  Lucky you.

• 7:47Speaker 02

  From just masturbating.

• 7:48Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah, pretty much.

• 7:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, and you're like, oh, this is like the best feeling ever.

• 7:52Shawn Ryan?

  Still is.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know. Someone told me that orgasming and take like going to the bathroom, taking a shit. It's like amazing, two amazing feelings that you never, you can never take away from humans. And I'm like, maybe that's right.

• 8:08Shawn Ryan?

  Wow. Wow.

• 8:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, so that's a bit of my background. So no, when people are like, oh, it's easy because it's easy to talk about sex. Because this is who you are. You're an extrovert. You love talking to people. You've probably always been like this. I'm like, mm mm, not at all. I grew up the other way around, the opposite way. And then I had to climb up that shame and insecurity ladder to get to where I am, where I feel sexual empowerment is my calling and helping people feel less shame about their own sexuality or whatever, what they're into and experience just more pleasure in their relationship and in daily life. What's the point of life if there isn't any pleasure?

• 8:54Shawn Ryan?

  Mm hmm. I mean, it's interesting that you came from that, I don't know, sheltered, strict of a background. I mean, I've been, I was watching some of the stuff right before I came down here. And obviously I've been seeing your stuff pop up for several months now. That's why I asked you to come on the show. And you're just very open. You talk about what you like, what you don't like, what your fetishes or kinks are. And I mean, so coming from that strict of a background to that open. And then, you know, I haven't read your book, but I've done a lot of studying about you. And it seems like communication is a thing. And with my previous episode with Vanessa, communication is a thing.

• 9:38Shawn Ryan?

  And so how do you go from that locked up, that strict, that, that shamed or shame? Is it the shame to just here it all is? This is everything, everything about me. And it sounds like that's the big, that's the biggest problem within relationships with sex is communication. Ask him what you want, tell him what you like, things like that. So how did you, I'm just curious, how did you personally overcome it?

• 10:12Speaker 02

  It's been a long journey.

• 10:13Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 10:14Speaker 02

  I was married before in my twenties.

• 10:19Speaker 02

  And at that time, I was already, I just graduated with my PhD in human communication, studying relationships. So I should know what I'm talking about. But back then, I was talking the talk and not walking the walk. And now, as a professional in this field, I have little respect for people that only talk the talk. I only trust the people that walk the walk because I know I was that person. I can teach about sexual satisfaction, sexual communication, mindfulness, relational communication, all of these things in college. Teach the theory and research, but I wasn't living that life.

• 11:04Speaker 02

  I wasn't doing those communication strategies in my real life in order to maintain and improve my relationship. I wasn't in a relationship that I was happy about. I got married young because where I'm from in Thai culture, people get married in their twenties. And if you wait until you're in your thirties, you're sort of like named as like a spinster or like you're not desirable.

• 11:36Shawn Ryan?

  Hmm.

• 11:36Speaker 02

  And that in itself is a very shame-based message.

• 11:40Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 11:40Speaker 02

  That imagine if, you know, anyone listening and watching, imagine if your daughter was like, oh my God, I gotta get married in my twenties or else I'd be so undesirable in my thirties.

• 11:51Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 11:52Speaker 02

  But that's my belief because it's how I was raised and the what people in my culture were talking about, what they did. So I met this person online, um, on a dating app. And not too long later, we got married.

• 12:11Speaker 02

  And that was, I wouldn't say it was a mistake.

• 12:16Speaker 02

  But it was an ill-informed misguided decision.

• 12:22Speaker 02

  With that marriage, I learned a lot about sexual incompatibility. Because we have never had sexual compatibility. And I know this from studying, right, research and theory. But then when I finally had it in real life, I was like, oh shit. Um, this is what it feels like. Because not only that we didn't have chemistry. Do you know the difference between chemistry and compatibility?

• 12:53Shawn Ryan?

  Well, actually, that's what I was just gonna ask you. What is, what is sexual compatibility and incom- incompatibility? Because, I mean, I think if you would ask most people, it's,

• 13:04Shawn Ryan?

  am I attracted to this person? Yes. Do I wanna have sex with this person? Yes. I mean, I mean, I've, I've read somewhere that, that people decide, basically, people decide if they're gonna have, if they would have sex with the person sitting across from them, if they're, the person they're looking at within the first ten seconds.

• 13:23Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:23Shawn Ryan?

  Is that true?

• 13:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:25Shawn Ryan?

  Is that sexual compatibility?

• 13:27Speaker 02

  No.

• 13:28Shawn Ryan?

  What is sexual compatibility?

• 13:30Speaker 02

  So when we think of people that have good sex together, they need two components. They need chemistry and compatibility. Chemistry is what you just talked about. You meet someone and you can immediately tell like, oh, I'm attracted to this person. I can see going to bed with them. I can, I can tell like, we're gonna vibe.

• 13:49Shawn Ryan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:50Speaker 02

  That's chemistry. And it's either you have it or you don't. You know, you've met a ton of people. You can probably, like, imagine, like, just imagine if you were single, right?

• 14:00Shawn Ryan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  And all these people you meet, like, let's say all, you're heterosexual, so all the women you meet, like, you can probably see, meet someone and go, okay, like, that person I would date or have sex with. That person I wouldn't, that person I would, right? Like, it's pretty easy. So that's chemistry. You meet someone and you just know. And when you don't have chemistry, like, a lot of people around the world, they get married to people they actually don't have chemistry with.

• 14:26Speaker 02

  You could grow some sort of compatibility with them, which I'm gonna explain in a bit what it is. But you cannot have the chemistry. Because chemistry is whether you have it or you don't.

• 14:36Shawn Ryan?

  So you're saying that people are getting married to each other that aren't even attracted to each other?

• 14:40Speaker 02

  A lot of people do.

• 14:41Shawn Ryan?

  Seems like a problem.

• 14:42Speaker 02

  Mm, mm-hmm. A lot of people do. And one of the biggest problems, actually, in long-term sexual dissatisfaction is people don't find their partner attractive. So we're gonna, we can, we can talk about that in a little bit. But you either have chemistry or you don't. Then let's say you have chemistry. Great, that's like fifty percent done. What's the other part? Compatibility. Do you like similar things? Uh, do you want to explore similar things? Do you enjoy each other's, uh, touch? Expression, things they say in bed? Uh, do you enjoy similar positions? Trying new toys? Do you, are you someone that, uh, tends to be a bit more unconventional and kinky? And your partner is too? Or is your partner super vanilla and is very turned off by all the things that you're into?

• 15:28Speaker 02

  That's compatibility. So when you're similar, not the same, you don't have to be exactly the same. You don't have to, let, let's say if your partner has a foot fetish, you don't have to have one in order to be similar. But if you're compatible, you're similar in a lot of these sexual profiles, what I call. That's compatibility. And then with chemistry and compatibility, boom, you have an amazing sex life. Now, with the caveat of you still have to have communication, right? Like you can't just have these and never talk about sex in your entire life. Like, you know, based on my study, we know now that sexual communication is the strongest predictor of long-term sexual satisfaction. But again, you have such a good base.

• 16:12Speaker 02

  Like, would you say that you have chemistry and compatibility?

• 16:15Shawn Ryan?

  Yes.

• 16:16Speaker 02

  Yeah. So now that you know the difference, you can probably tell. You know, people that are watching, listening, they can probably take an audit of their own relationship, maybe the current relationship and past relationships, and think, okay, did I have chemistry and compatibility? Because these two are, they're needed in a healthy, fulfilling, passionate sex life. So I didn't have those things in my first marriage. And now I have both things in my current marriage.

• 16:49Shawn Ryan?

  Good for you.

• 16:49Speaker 02

  So I know for a fact what it feels like and how different they are. There are a lot of sex experts or guru online that will say like, you know, you don't need chemistry, it grows over time. I disagree. I think that's my controversial opinion is chemistry part, it's either you have it or you don't.

• 17:08Shawn Ryan?

  I would think compatibility could grow over time faster than chemistry.

• 17:12Speaker 02

  Compatibility can grow over time.

• 17:14Shawn Ryan?

  Because chemistry is basically just attractiveness.

• 17:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's you have it or you don't. Like if I don't find you, if I don't find someone attractive or feel drawn to them,

• 17:29Speaker 02

  that won't change unless they have like a huge makeover. But then that again, it's still very, physical attractiveness is very shallow. I mean, I love physical attractiveness, not gonna lie. But it's very shallow. I think chemistry is a lot more, but even science can't really explain. Chemistry is like the energy and the vibrations you have with someone.

• 17:50Shawn Ryan?

  It's the first impression?

• 17:51Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 17:52Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 17:56Shawn Ryan?

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• 19:24Shawn Ryan?

  How long does it take to grow compatibility? How long does it take to? What does it take the average couple? Or, yeah, the average couple to figure out if they're sexually compatible?

• 19:38Speaker 02

  I think it can be anywhere from six months to, I would say, 10 years.

• 19:44Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah.

• 19:45Speaker 02

  Because I've worked with couples that have never talked about their sexual preferences before. Actually, I've worked with couples that didn't know what their sexual preferences are. To then first that figure out what they are, then have the language to talk about what these preferences are and whether or not we're compatible. I've worked with people that have been together for a year and are still figuring it out and they were figuring things out and that's great. But then I've also had couples that have been together 15 years and, oh my God, we haven't had sex for two years. What's going on?

• 20:21Shawn Ryan?

  What?

• 20:22Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. That's not uncommon at all. That's not uncommon at all. Oh, there's longer. I've, I've talked to a couple that haven't had sex for five years.

• 20:33Shawn Ryan?

  How old are they?

• 20:35Speaker 02

  They were in their 50s.

• 20:36Shawn Ryan?

  In their 50s? That's right around the corner for me.

• 20:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I mean, there's a lot of changes, right? Men can experience a lot, like a drop in testosterone. Women can experience perimenopause, menopause, which all of those things affect your sexual desire. But...

• 20:58Speaker 02

  Like let alone, you know, even if we don't talk about those things, that what's going on in the body, even if we remove that part, there's still these other parts of like, do you still find your partner attractive?

• 21:12Shawn Ryan?

  I think that's a huge problem in society.

• 21:15Speaker 02

  It is, it is, and it's something that people are so afraid to admit. Because they don't want to first like come off shallow. Like, oh, so you only like someone because of their physical attractiveness? They don't want to come off shallow and also I think they don't want to admit that it's a problem. Because then now there's a problem to solve. I think they'd rather just sweep it under the rug. Every time I have a couple come into my practice, the first thing they'll say is, we're fine and we love each other, we just haven't had sex. Can you give us some tips?

• 21:50Shawn Ryan?

  Can you give us some tips? Wow.

• 21:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:55Shawn Ryan?

  Okay, hold on, I wanna, I wanna talk about the, a lot of people aren't attracted to their partner and the other one. You had mentioned, so you have couples that come in and they don't, they don't know what their sexual preferences are, they don't know what they're into. How do, I mean, either one of them, neither one of them know?

• 22:18Speaker 02

  It's very common.

• 22:20Shawn Ryan?

  So how do you coach somebody that comes in that's not having sex? And how do you get them to explore and figure out what they're into? That's gotta be challenging.

• 22:34Speaker 02

  It is challenging, but it's a fun challenge that I like. Because it's so rewarding once people have their lightbulb moment. Because they go, oh my god, I didn't realize I was really into this. And now it brings so much pleasure to their sex life and connection between the two people. And how bonding is it that now you can have the sex that you actually want?

• 22:58Speaker 02

  But you wouldn't be able to get there.

• 23:00Shawn Ryan?

  How do you get them going though?

• 23:01Speaker 02

  You know, so that's why I named my book, How Do You Like It?, A Guide to Getting What You Want in Bed. Because the problem with sexual communication is, it's not that people don't want to communicate. A lot of people I know want to communicate. They just don't know how to get there. They don't know how to get there because they don't know the language. They don't know what they actually want, how they like it. That's why I titled my book, How Do You Like It? First question prerequisite. A prerequisite to sexual communication is knowing what you like. So, how do you like it? When I ask my students, and I teach a class of a hundred and twenty

• 23:44Speaker 02

  college kids every semester, this class, I ask them, so how do you like it? Describe what you like in bed in five terms. And then describe who you are in bed in five terms. They go, uh...

• 24:02Speaker 02

  Missionary?

• 24:08Speaker 02

  Blowjobs? You know, they, they don't know how to describe how they like it. Not just the action, not the position. How, how, during a sexual session, what needs to happen in order for the alchemy to happen? In order for it to feel so exciting, interesting, fulfilling, and satisfying? They don't know. And then they also don't know how to describe themselves sexually. So, wanna do this exercise?

• 24:38Shawn Ryan?

  I don't know. I don't know how to describe myself either.

• 24:42Speaker 02

  In three words. How would you describe yourself as a sexual being?

• 24:48Speaker 02

  Who you are in bed?

• 24:53Shawn Ryan?

  Shit, this is, can you give me an example?

• 24:56Speaker 02

  I can describe mine.

• 24:57Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 24:58Speaker 02

  Uh, I'm kinky, I'm fun, and I'm open to try. I'm, I open, I'm open to try anything once.

• 25:10Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 25:11Speaker 02

  So that's who I am as a sexual person. Everyone is a sexual person, except for the asexual people. But let's say ninety-nine percent of people are sexual people. So how, who are you?

• 25:21Shawn Ryan?

  Alright, can they be sentences?

• 25:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:24Shawn Ryan?

  Alright, I want my partner to climax before I do.

• 25:27Speaker 02

  Love, that's why you're a generous lover.

• 25:29Shawn Ryan?

  Um, open to trying new stuff.

• 25:33Speaker 02

  Love that.

• 25:34Shawn Ryan?

  All the time.

• 25:35Speaker 02

  What's all the time?

• 25:38Shawn Ryan?

  Every day.

• 25:39Speaker 02

  Oh, you, you, high sex drive?

• 25:41Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah.

• 25:41Speaker 02

  Okay, so you're a sexually energetic person. You are a very open-minded, uh, sexual person. And you, um, what was the first one?

• 25:54Shawn Ryan?

  I want my partner to climax before I do.

• 25:55Speaker 02

  You're a generous lover. So these are great things to talk about with your partner.

• 26:02Shawn Ryan?

  Great.

• 26:02Speaker 02

  For those that are, uh, listening, they can think of like, okay, so first, like, who am I in bed? Then go from there, because it's easier to describe yourself and the things that you bring to the table in the bedroom. Then try to get them to first share something, because sex is such a vulnerable topic. Volunteer yourself, like, who are you? What are you into? Well, what is it, what is it like to have sex with you? Then, then, from then on, that's a good conversation starter.

• 26:36Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 26:36Speaker 02

  So that's usually an exercise that I do with my clients. They're usually not as fast as you in answering those things. Because I think in a couple session, they're afraid of either offending their partner or saying something new for their partner to question, who are you?

• 26:58Shawn Ryan?

  How long does it take for them to... I mean, when you're talking about somebody that doesn't even know what they're into, how, I mean, how do you, how do you, where do they start?

• 27:10Speaker 02

  I mean, I just helped a woman in her 40s discover that she had a fingering kink.

• 27:19Shawn Ryan?

  In her 40s?

• 27:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, very common, very common, especially for people that perhaps don't have a lot of sexual experiences, um, either with, either a lot of sexual experiences with one partner or sexual explorations with multiple partners, like they don't have experience. If you don't have experience, you probably don't really know. And if you watch porn, it's, porn's like a sport. You know, porn stars are athletes in sex. So when you watch them and you think like, oh, I can do that too, like, no, you can't. Because you are not LeBron of sex.

• 27:58Shawn Ryan?

  Don't try this at home, ladies and gentlemen.

• 28:00Speaker 02

  Exactly. I think what porn needs to do, like what these videos, what they need to do is have those like disclaimer, like you will not be able to do this at home. But, uh, but yeah, people don't know who they are in bed and what they truly want in bed. And that's why I wrote this book. And the first chapter is actually what is your sexual profile? Because sexual self-knowledge is so empowering. Once you know, you have a language to engage in sexual communication. When you don't know, there's so much uncertainty. Uncertainty gives people anxiety. That's why talking about sex is so anxiety-inducing. Cause you just don't know much. But when you have a lot of information, talking is easier.

• 28:46Shawn Ryan?

  So what, I mean, when you're talking to a couple that is not having sex, what...

• 28:52Shawn Ryan?

  Well, I mean, what do you tell them to do? Do you just literally tell them, like, you guys need to go have sex like right now?

• 28:58Speaker 02

  Doesn't work like that.

• 29:00Shawn Ryan?

  How does it work?

• 29:01Speaker 02

  If a couple hasn't had sex, let's say, not even the harder case, like if a couple hasn't had sex for a year. Extremely common, by the way.

• 29:10Shawn Ryan?

  That's common?

• 29:11Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 29:11Shawn Ryan?

  How common? Like, more common than not?

• 29:14Speaker 02

  In long, long-term relationship, I'd say like fifty percent. My educated guess. Because there isn't a census, you know?

• 29:24Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 29:25Speaker 02

  Statistic on that, but from my professional experience, I would say, yeah, half the people that have been married for over fifteen years that I've talked to may haven't had sex in a long time. Maybe if you, let's say, if you don't count, like, hand things or blowjobs, probably a year, but if you count those things and maybe six months is very, very, very, very common, by the way.

• 29:49Shawn Ryan?

  Holy shit.

• 29:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, very common. So like, let's say a couple comes in. We love each other, everything's great, you know, we love our kids, like, life's great, we just haven't had sex for a year. What's going on? And how do we get there?

• 30:09Speaker 02

  There's a lot of things to first investigate. Because if I just say, well, you guys gotta go have sex tonight.

• 30:17Speaker 02

  Okay, um, there could be issues of, I don't find my partner's attractive. There could be issues of, well, my penis hasn't had regular erection for a long time. And therefore I struggle with getting it up or keeping it up. And that gives me a lot of anxiety. There could be an issue of, well, I'm now perimenopause, uh, perimenopausal, and my vagina doesn't get wet, and that gives me so much insecurity because he will not find that attractive and he might think I'm not into him. There could be an issue of,

• 30:55Speaker 02

  God, I've just been watching so much porn and I've really wanted to try anal, but my wife will never go for it and he will think I'm a freak. That could be an issue of, ah, I've been fantasizing about this guy on TV for a long time and my husband doesn't look anything like this guy. There's so many things.

• 31:13Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 31:15Speaker 02

  That's in here? That you can't just tell people to go have sex. So a lot of steps.

• 31:23Shawn Ryan?

  Uh, so there is a lot to work through. Wow.

• 31:25Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 31:26Shawn Ryan?

  Well, I want to talk about um people that don't find their partner attractive.

• 31:33Shawn Ryan?

  How does that happen? I mean, I know how it happens one way. I mean, it's it's almost like a

• 31:41Shawn Ryan?

  it's a joke, you know, it's it's it's a joke in society, you know.

• 31:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:46Shawn Ryan?

  People get married and then they let themselves go. And even though it's a joke, I mean, I see it all the all the time, all the time. Is that is that where it stems from? Or is it? The other thing I see is people that were never really a hundred percent in before marriage. And they don't have the courage to say that they don't want to kind of move forward because they don't want to offend their partner.

• 32:11Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 32:12Shawn Ryan?

  I see that.

• 32:13Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 32:13Shawn Ryan?

  Is that?

• 32:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, both of those both of those things do happen.

• 32:18Shawn Ryan?

  So how do you fix that?

• 32:20Speaker 02

  Have you heard of like the pillars of attraction?

• 32:25Shawn Ryan?

  Maybe.

• 32:26Speaker 02

  So like attractiveness, how do we categorize different types of attractiveness? What you mentioned of like when people get married, they let themselves go. That's physical attraction, right? Physical attractiveness. So there's three different types of attractiveness. And when you have all, you're like this gold star. What's like the number one thing in military? Like, you know, someone that has done such amazing things that you get the is it a gold star?

• 32:56Shawn Ryan?

  Uh, no, that's, I mean, it's just a, I mean, we're just on a scale of one to 10, a 10.

• 33:05Speaker 02

  Okay, fair, a 10. So someone's a 10, like you have all these three things. Some people can have the two things, so get away with it. Some people can have the one thing, maybe get away with it for a bit, but not too long. Some people might not have any. Now,

• 33:24Speaker 02

  the disclaimer to this, before I talk about the three different types of attractiveness, is that it's, it's very subjective and it depends on who's looking at you and who's evaluating you. Right? Everyone has their own, you know, biases and preferences and life experiences that affect the way they see attractiveness.

• 33:47Shawn Ryan?

  Their own type.

• 33:47Speaker 02

  Yeah. So the three types of attractiveness are, or the three pillars of attractiveness are, physical attractiveness, social attractiveness, and task attractiveness.

• 33:58Shawn Ryan?

  Task attractiveness.

• 33:59Speaker 02

  Mm hmm. So, physical attractiveness is easy, like what we talk about, right? Someone that looks attractive, you know, there is a conventional attractiveness, but then there's also like unconventional physical attractiveness that is based on preference. Some people love a bald head. They're like, oh, I love bald guys, like whenever I see a bald guy, I'm like, oh my god, that guy's so hot. Right? Some people love long hair. Some people love blue eyes. Some people love brown eyes. Some people love, you know, ripped bodies. Some people love dad bombs. Some people, so it just all depends. But physical attractiveness is one pillar. That one's easy to decipher. Social attractiveness is personality and communication style.

• 34:45Speaker 02

  When you date someone, you have to like their personality. Right? That's a huge part of who they are, unless you date someone shallow and, you know, you just think, I just want a hot girlfriend, like, I don't care. I don't care what she talks about.

• 34:58Shawn Ryan?

  I see that a lot, too.

• 35:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, and that doesn't.

• 35:03Shawn Ryan?

  It never works out.

• 35:03Speaker 02

  No, no, it doesn't. Because like I said, you need at least two of the three, not just one. So, the personality, right, like, let's say, um, one of the most common things that people talk about is introversion and extroversion. Do you tend to be attracted to someone who's very extroverted? Or lean towards more introverted and need their space and time and like quiet time?

• 35:30Shawn Ryan?

  Probably introverted.

• 35:31Speaker 02

  Mm hmm. So that's your, like, that's what you find attractive?

• 35:37Speaker 02

  Some people like they wanna date someone that's live at the party, always in the middle of the crowd telling jokes, right? Some people like that. So, social attractiveness is those things. What do you like? What are your bullet points, right? Communication style, do you like someone that's very upfront and say everything, you know, in your face, just like that, confrontational? Or do you like people that are more suave and indirect in their communication? Just depends. So that's social attractiveness. So now, physical and social attractiveness. The last one is task attractiveness. And women are very drawn to task attractiveness.

• 36:18Speaker 02

  Task attractiveness is capabilities, um, intelligence, success, financial stability. These things are task attractiveness. So, someone who is capable is capable of doing whatever the thing that they're really good at, right? You're really good at this. You're really good at um, being a part of the military, the Navy SEAL. You're really good at deciphering situation and keeping people safe. You're really good at interviewing and getting to the truth. One of the best things I love about your podcast is you're illuminating truths about different topics, and I love that. So, you're good at that, you have the capabilities.

• 37:02Speaker 02

  And that's attractive to a lot of people. Women will say capabilities is the most attractive thing, sometimes even before personality, like social attractiveness and physical attractiveness.

• 37:13Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 37:14Speaker 02

  Another part of task attractiveness is intelligence. How intelligent, because capability is knowing how to do something, but intelligence is having the um, internal information to decipher and make good decisions. And then, um... We also have financial stability. Because sometimes people can have intelligence and capabilities, but they don't know how to apply themselves. Therefore, they don't have financial stability. Right? Because financial stability comes from be able to apply these information and intelligence and capabilities. Then you get resources in return, right? So financial stability is another thing that women are looking for. So if you have task attractiveness and personality,

• 37:57Speaker 02

  you could potentially let yourself go a bit physically. You know, not to say that everyone should, you know, do whatever you want, eat whatever you want, because you shouldn't. But at the same time, there is a bit of room because you have these other two.

• 38:10Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 38:11Speaker 02

  If you don't have the personality part, let's say you're not just, you're not the most interesting charming person in the world, but you're physically attractive and you have the financial stability and capabilities. That could go, right? That could work. If you have all three, you have a great solid foundation to have whatever fulfilling sex life that you desire and deserve. But that's not the truth for a lot of people.

• 38:37Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 38:38Speaker 02

  In relationships.

• 38:40Shawn Ryan?

  Would you say that women are, the majority of women would rank task as their number one?

• 38:52Speaker 02

  I would say, due to social desirability, women will say, personality first.

• 39:00Speaker 02

  But if I have to be really honest, and also based on talking to so many women, whether that's in my life, in the college classroom, or my followers, task attractiveness is the most important thing.

• 39:15Shawn Ryan?

  What about for men?

• 39:18Shawn Ryan?

  Attractiveness?

• 39:19Speaker 02

  I would have to say for a lot of men, physical attractiveness is the most important thing. And this derives from studies, professional observation, and also...

• 39:31Speaker 02

  What people think of when they watch porn? Like, a lot of

• 39:38Speaker 02

  men may derive the definition of what's attractive

• 39:44Shawn Ryan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:44Speaker 02

  based on physical attractiveness due to exposure to porn since young age. Right? Like, in porn, are women portrayed as capable, intelligent, and has a good personality?

• 39:56Shawn Ryan?

  No.

• 39:57Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 39:58Shawn Ryan?

  No.

• 39:58Speaker 02

  So, you may derive to a destination of like, I want a woman like this from just being exposed to porn since young age, especially this generation.

• 40:08Shawn Ryan?

  Okay, okay, that makes. Do you feel like that's a mistake?

• 40:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:14Shawn Ryan?

  I do too.

• 40:14Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, definitely.

• 40:20Speaker 02

  I think that a good relationship needs inspiration.

• 40:27Speaker 02

  One of the reasons why I find my partner very attractive is that he pursues passion in his life. And he's unapologetic about going for something that's against the convention. You know, he used to be a dentist, and then he quit that completely to become an artist. That's, that's like big balls energy.

• 40:51Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah.

• 40:51Speaker 02

  You know what I mean? For me, I'm like, wow, like even that alone got me intrigued. Like, what kind of a person leaves stable job behind to pursue something so uncertain, just for the sake of passion and inspiration? That gives me immense inspiration. But I'm not saying every couple needs to have someone leave their job in order to find inspiration. Sometimes, you know, I have a friend who has a very beautiful, stable relationship. They still have sex, you know, two, three times a week. They love each other, show a lot of affection. They've been together over ten years and both of them have like, you know, just regular nine-to-five jobs.

• 41:35Speaker 02

  But they still find inspiration.

• 41:39Speaker 02

  In each other, you know, one of them is super into like just taking care of himself, biohacking, weightlifting. So she finds inspiration of him staying healthy for himself, for his wife, for his kids. Like him staying healthy is so hot. Like figuring out things to be healthier, so hot, so attractive, so inspirational. That's what she found in him as an inspiration. So what I'm saying is like finding something inspiration in your partner is going to be the catalyst to high relationship satisfaction and high sexual satisfaction.

• 42:16Shawn Ryan?

  Okay, okay. I want to move into the study, the 5,000 person study that you did. Before I do though, like everybody gets a gift. I'm supposed to do this at the beginning.

• 42:29Shawn Ryan?

  Big John's Lee Gummy Bears, made in the USA.

• 42:33Speaker 02

  Love that. Can I try one right now?

• 42:35Shawn Ryan?

  Of course.

• 42:38Speaker 02

  A bit hungry.

• 42:41Speaker 02

  We have a gift for you too.

• 42:42Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, I love gifts.

• 42:43Speaker 02

  Well, gifts, we have gifts. So I have to tell you, I first thought of bringing you a prostate vibrator.

• 42:55Speaker 02

  But then, but then Bren said, I think he likes guns.

• 43:02Shawn Ryan?

  That could be in the form of a gun.

• 43:04Speaker 02

  And teddy bears. So, well, first off, I got you my book. And I want you to read the note.

• 43:13Shawn Ryan?

  Out loud, "Dear Sean, thank you for illuminating the world with more truths. Wishing you the most orgasmic life. Dr. Tara." Thank you.

• 43:25Speaker 02

  Then, this is really good, by the way.

• 43:29Shawn Ryan?

  You like those?

• 43:29Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 43:32Speaker 02

  Two teddy bears?

• 43:35Speaker 02

  These are from my partner.

• 43:37Shawn Ryan?

  I've seen your husband's stuff.

• 43:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's from my husband and they're upside down because the motto for these, so these are called smiles and the motto for him is different is good.

• 43:48Shawn Ryan?

  Different is good.

• 43:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:49Shawn Ryan?

  Love it. Thank you.

• 43:51Speaker 02

  And, of course, we can't come here without gun-related stuff.

• 44:03Speaker 02

  He said that was better than a prostate massager.

• 44:07Speaker 02

  But I'm gonna, I, I, I think I will need to still ship you.

• 44:12Shawn Ryan?

  Holy shit, this is, he made this, didn't he? Holy shit, this is awesome.

• 44:23Shawn Ryan?

  I don't wanna scratch this thing.

• 44:24Speaker 02

  No, and it's not super, super dry.

• 44:26Shawn Ryan?

  It's not? Oh, I'm gonna leave it in here then. That is awesome.

• 44:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:37Shawn Ryan?

  Very cool. Thank you.

• 44:39Speaker 02

  You're welcome.

• 44:40Shawn Ryan?

  What's going here in the studio?

• 44:41Speaker 02

  Yay!

• 44:42Shawn Ryan?

  Man, that is cool.

• 44:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, I figured you would love it.

• 44:44Shawn Ryan?

  I love 1911s too.

• 44:46Speaker 02

  Sorry?

• 44:46Shawn Ryan?

  I love 1911s.

• 44:49Speaker 02

  He, he knew.

• 44:51Shawn Ryan?

  Man, that's cool. I mean, I don't know if I like it better than a prostate massager, but I've never tried a prostate massager.

• 44:57Speaker 02

  I need to send you one.

• 44:59Shawn Ryan?

  Well, alright, what is a prostate massager?

• 45:03Speaker 02

  It's a vibrator for your prostate.

• 45:05Shawn Ryan?

  Men use this?

• 45:06Speaker 02

  Mm, mhm.

• 45:07Shawn Ryan?

  For what?

• 45:09Speaker 02

  Prostate orgasm.

• 45:10Shawn Ryan?

  A prostate orgasm, what is that?

• 45:13Speaker 02

  It's just so good.

• 45:16Shawn Ryan?

  The pro- the prostate massage or the gummy bears?

• 45:19Speaker 02

  Both, man, both. Um, while you have your gummy bear, put it in the prostate massage.

• 45:26Shawn Ryan?

  Oh my gosh.

• 45:28Speaker 02

  Uh, so, it's two different types. You can do one that you, is, is small and vibrates, or it moves around like this, that you can insert into your anus and experience prostate pleasure that way. There's also one where it's just a, a ball of massage, like a massager, vibrator, and you put it in the area between your anus and your balls, the perineum.

• 45:56Shawn Ryan?

  The chode.

• 45:57Speaker 02

  Yeah. What did you call it?

• 45:59Shawn Ryan?

  The chode.

• 46:01Speaker 02

  Is that what it's called?

• 46:02Shawn Ryan?

  You've not heard it called the chode?

• 46:03Speaker 02

  The taint?

• 46:04Shawn Ryan?

  The taint, I've heard it called that.

• 46:07Speaker 02

  I feel like boys have so many nicknames for that area. Like, they just have so many nicknames for that area. But yeah, so, um, massaging your prostate is supposed to be extremely pleasurable for men?

• 46:22Speaker 02

  To the point where some can have that type of orgasm without ejaculation. So when people ask, can men have multiple orgasms like women do? The answer is yes.

• 46:33Shawn Ryan?

  Interesting. I didn't know that.

• 46:35Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 46:36Shawn Ryan?

  Right on.

• 46:37Speaker 02

  Yeah. Tell me the P O. Box later. I'll a couple of really good.

• 46:41Shawn Ryan?

  I'll send it to you. Perfect.

• 46:48Shawn Ryan?

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• 47:26Shawn Ryan?

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• 48:10Shawn Ryan?

  Again, that's 10% off your order when you go to ridge.com and use code SRS.

• 48:20Shawn Ryan?

  So let's talk about, let's talk about this study.

• 48:22Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 48:23Shawn Ryan?

  So it's sample size of 5,000 Americans in relationships. One of the largest quantitative studies on sexual satisfaction conducted by university researcher at this scale. Looks like you found a number of findings. Do you want me to go through some of them?

• 48:39Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 48:40Shawn Ryan?

  All right. Finding number one, the gap. More than one third of Americans in relationships are sexually unsatisfied. This undercuts the cultural assumption that having a partner means your sex life is handled. Finding two.

• 48:56Shawn Ryan?

  The predictor. Sexual communication is the single most powerful predictor of sexual satisfaction, above physical technique, frequency, or attraction. Finding three. Secondary predictors. Sexual mindfulness, the ability to be mentally present during sex, sexual confidence and sexual, or excuse me, and self-esteem. Finding four. Downstream consequences.

• 49:25Shawn Ryan?

  Sexual dissatisfaction predicts physical health problems, mental health issues, relationship deterioration, divorce, and breakups. And this, this turned into a wildly successful TED Talk, published into textbooks. What else did you? Let's start with number one, the gap.

• 49:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, let's talk about that one. So.

• 49:50Speaker 02

  I think when people think of sex, they think, oh, just find a partner, especially Gen Z's. Because I teach Gen Z's in college, right? The most pressing issue for Gen Z guys is just finding a partner. It's not, you know, sexual communication. So whenever I teach these things, they're like, oh, just get me a girl first. Like, I can't even find a girl. I don't have riz, Dr. Tara. Have you heard of riz?

• 50:21Shawn Ryan?

  No.

• 50:22Speaker 02

  Oh, um, it's Gen Z for charisma.

• 50:24Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, okay.

• 50:25Speaker 02

  Or like being able to like, get a girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I don't have riz, Dr. Tara. Get me a girl first before you even teach me sexual communication. Who do I talk to? So not their most pressing issue. The most pressing issue for them is not finding a partner. But then the... Misguided belief that a lot of people have is having a partner solves all issues.

• 50:48Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 50:48Speaker 02

  When it comes to relationships, when in fact, you know this by now, you know, being in a relationship for so long, that communication is the most important thing in a relationship. Whatever issues you have, communication is going to be the tool that solves those issues, those problems. So, you know, when I find that a lot of people are unhappy with their sex. And by the way, like, you know, one third is conservative. I think it's more, but due to when people take surveys, you know, they have biases and desirability purposes, right? Like, they don't answer the truth, truth.

• 51:30Speaker 02

  I think it's more. I think it's more than one third.

• 51:33Shawn Ryan?

  I mean, it doesn't surprise me. You just mentioned that you thought that fifty percent of people are not having sex.

• 51:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think it's more.

• 51:40Shawn Ryan?

  In relationships.

• 51:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, in long-term relationships. I think it's more than one third, but yeah, one third of Americans that were a part of my study were not happy with the current sex life that they have. And to me, as a professional in this field, it's not mind-blowing to hear. It's actually quite common. It's affirming, if anything, of my professional observation.

• 52:09Shawn Ryan?

  Man.

• 52:09Speaker 02

  Whenever I tell people that don't work in this field, they go, oh, my God. How do, how do these people live? Like, what is their life like? What is their relationship like? So then you just get through it. You get through it, like you get through anything. You just, you wake up, you eat your breakfast, you go to work, you come back, you have dinner, watch some TV, and you go to bed.

• 52:28Shawn Ryan?

  What, what? But that, that has to be unhealthy. You're talking, I mean, we're talking about people, you, you, at first you had mentioned people that hadn't had sex in over two years, adults.

• 52:38Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 52:39Shawn Ryan?

  I mean, what are they doing? Are they, are they, are they having affairs? Are they, they have porn addictions? Would, would, would?

• 52:51Shawn Ryan?

  How do they release?

• 52:54Speaker 02

  When I say they haven't had sex, it doesn't mean they haven't had masturbation. So people self-pleasure all the time. They just don't have sex with each other.

• 53:04Shawn Ryan?

  Would they rather self-pleasure than have sex with each other?

• 53:07Speaker 02

  Hmm, a lot of people would say that, yeah, yeah. If I have to guess, a lot of people listening and watching have this experience where, yeah, I just don't want to bother anymore. I have initiated so many times, got rejected so many times. I don't bother anymore. I just go jerk off.

• 53:29Speaker 02

  I think that's a lot more common than anyone would think. And people might feel ashamed that that's happening to them and their marriage. What they don't know is other people do it too. That is really common.

• 53:43Speaker 02

  And

• 53:47Speaker 02

  when you think about people who say, you know,

• 53:53Speaker 02

  I just don't bother anymore. I'll just do it myself, you know, same result, right? I just want to orgasm. I just want to come, like same result. But it's not the same.

• 54:02Shawn Ryan?

  Not the same.

• 54:03Speaker 02

  Not the same. Because what's missing is human connection. That sexual connection with your partner is the distinguishing difference between a friendship, roommate friendship, and a romantic relationship. Apart from asexual people, in which, you know, a lot of times they get left out of this conversation, but it's only about 1% of the population.

• 54:28Speaker 02

  Most people want to feel sexually satisfied, fulfilled, and connected with their partner. They want to be able to, you know, hug each other, kiss each other, and feel like there is this strong bond and connection. When they don't have it, and they think it's fine, whatever, we can coexist and do life together. What happens to them is not only it affects their relational health, right? The relationship is dry, right? It affects their emotional health, their mental health, their physical health.

• 55:08Speaker 02

  Because what we know is sex is healthy for you. Sex is healthy for your, for your physical health, right? For your heart health, for your pelvic health, for your prostate, hormones, all those things. It's good for your mental health because it's a connection with a human being. And you need that, especially in the world where we're so distant from each other through social media, the internet and spending a lot of time at home watching TV. And then your emotional health, what a lot of people don't think about. Emotional health is extremely important. Being able to express different emotions and talk about different emotions, very important.

• 55:49Speaker 02

  Feeling safe that you can express these emotions in a relationship is very important in a relationship. It's very important for your sex life as well. A lot of women that I talk to will say, I'm too afraid to bring it up. And men as well, they'll say, I'm too afraid to bring it up. The fact that you're afraid to bring it up shows me that there is a gap in that relationship. That you don't fully trust that your partner has your well-being at the top of their priority. You don't trust that you can be who you truly are and express how you truly feel.

• 56:31Speaker 02

  If you can't do that with the single most important person in your life, you're gonna struggle.

• 56:40Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah, no kidding.

• 56:43Speaker 02

  You should be able to express pretty much anything, especially when it's a concern. You should be able to express anything to your partner. If you can't, and I know a lot of people will have a lightbulb moment right now. If you can't, there is something deeper. So sex, not having sex, sexless marriage is a symptom of something deeper. It's not just about sex. Sex is never just about sex. Sex is about everything else.

• 57:15Shawn Ryan?

  What could those deeper things be?

• 57:18Speaker 02

  It could be...

• 57:21Speaker 02

  One of the hardest things to accept, lack of attraction. I have zero desire for this person. Like, how do you say that to your husband or wife?

• 57:31Speaker 02

  Uh, that's one of them. Another one is lose of respect. A lot of people don't even respect their partner anymore. You know, whether they let themselves go physically, whether they, you know, lost their job and never tried to get another job, or whether they, they used to have ambition and no longer have ambition. Maybe they used to have a lot of friends that they can cultivate relationships with, and now they're just alone in their, you know, dungeon, watching porn. Respect is a huge thing. And if you don't respect your partner, you don't want to fuck them. You know what I mean? Respect is a huge thing. Uh, attractiveness is a huge thing. Um, trust is a hu- is a huge thing. When someone say they will do something and they don't do it, you lose trust slowly.

• 58:18Speaker 02

  When someone, you know, nags at you or give you a negative comment about who you are, you get these paper cuts.

• 58:28Speaker 02

  And the more of these you have, the less likely you're gonna want to have sex with that person. So yeah, there's a lot of deeper issues than just like, oh, they haven't had sex, go have sex. Here's a sex toy, here's lingerie.

• 58:44Speaker 02

  It's way more.

• 58:45Shawn Ryan?

  How do you get people to communicate? Uh, let's just bring up law. What do you think the most common is, is a loss of attraction?

• 58:52Speaker 02

  I think loss of attraction.

• 58:54Shawn Ryan?

  How do you communicate to somebody? How do you teach somebody to communicate to somebody that, you know, that, that they're no longer attracted to their partner? And I, I s- I see this a lot. When somebody, maybe both people in the relationship just completely let themselves go, whether that's like what you had mentioned, whether that's, you know, that's their internal drive, you know, their occupation. Uh, what I see a lot is physical appearance, you know? Get married, we have a kid, we're comfortable.

• 59:27Shawn Ryan?

  Both people get fat.

• 59:28Speaker 02

  Mm hmm. Comfortable, that's, that's a killer word right there. You should never be too comfortable.

• 59:37Shawn Ryan?

  Mm hmm.

• 59:38Speaker 02

  And that's controversial to say, but that's my belief and a lot of professionals believes. And um, one of the relationship experts, thought leaders, Esther Perel. Have you heard of her?

• 59:51Shawn Ryan?

  Hmm hmm.

• 59:52Speaker 02

  Uh, she talks about that a lot, how like, people get way too comfortable in their relationships. Like, comfort isn't necessarily a good thing for your relationship. Not to say you should feel uncomfortable, obviously, you have to feel safe. Being with a person, you have to feel safe, you have to feel you can lean in and trust and rely on each other. But at the same time, when people get comfortable, they get all of these things that you just described, right? They let themselves go in many ways, not just physically, many ways. Um.

• 1:00:25Speaker 02

  In order to bring up something like this, you don't want to ever make your partner feel inferior.

• 1:00:35Shawn Ryan?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:00:36Speaker 02

  So you don't want to bring up with, oh, here's the things you should change. You wanna bring up the positives first. Have you heard of the shit sandwich?

• 1:00:45Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:00:48Shawn Ryan?

  I'm a business owner, Dr. Tara. I know about the shit sandwich.

• 1:00:51Speaker 02

  Exactly. Here are the things you do really well, here's the thing you can improve, but you also do really well in these things.

• 1:00:57Shawn Ryan?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:00:58Speaker 02

  It's the same philosophy with your partner. Is you want to bring up all the amazing things that they're doing. Uh, and why they are so attractive in those manners. All the great things that they're doing, and it could sound like anything from, you know, uh, like, I know that I haven't said this a lot recently, but I just want you to know that you're such a great mother, like, I love watching you with the kids, like, you have this demeanor of you that you can just like dissolve any situation when they have an argument or anything, like, you're such an amazing mother and I'm just real, I, I feel very lucky to. Be with you and have a partner who is such an incredible mother.

• 1:01:43Speaker 02

  I've noticed that recently, we both haven't been

• 1:01:48Speaker 02

  working out or eating right, and I feel like it has been affecting, you know, our energy. Like, we don't have that much energy throughout the day. It has been affecting maybe how we feel about our bodies or how we feel about how we look and our movements throughout the day. So I'm thinking then go into a solution. So I'm thinking like, what if we both get, like, this is just a total example. What if we both get like class pass and we start going to these gym classes together twice a week? You know, we'll have my mom watch the kids. We'll hop over to, you know, the next street to this place and then we'll go to these classes together.

• 1:02:30Speaker 02

  You have to have a solution to bringing back attractiveness, rather than just saying, you're unattractive, do something. Right? Like, what are the solutions and how can you be a part of it?

• 1:02:41Shawn Ryan?

  And you put it on yourself, too.

• 1:02:43Speaker 02

  Participating with the solution is extremely important because a relationship is a team. You wanna be a team. You don't wanna be like, here's your problem, go fix it. Finger pointing is the worst thing you can do in a relationship. Blame someone, right? That's the worst thing you can do. So find a solution, communicate the solution. We'll first start with the good things, communicate the situation. I don't even say, I don't, I don't even like to say a problem. I just say situation, because it's a situation, it's temporary. Communicate the situation, communicate the solution, how you can participate in this solution, then end with another good thing. So, and with, what I really love about us is like, you know, whatever that we experience, we can talk about.

• 1:03:25Speaker 02

  Like, a lot of people can't do that. Like, you know Emily and George, they never talk. Like, talking about other people together can also bring them together. Do you know the function of gossiping? It can be, it can be really bonding for couples sometimes, especially when it's like harmless. Like, oh, you know Emily and George, like, they can never bring these things up. Like, I so appreciate that we can talk about these things and bring things up. Like, you're just, you're fucking amazing. Thank you so much.

• 1:03:53Shawn Ryan?

  Right on.

• 1:03:53Speaker 02

  Like, you know, just so grateful that we have this open communication.

• 1:03:57Shawn Ryan?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:03:58Speaker 02

  Done. So yeah, sounds easy because I'm giving an example. It will be hard, but it it is something you can do.

• 1:04:04Shawn Ryan?

  I know that's not easy. There there's no way.

• 1:04:07Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:04:07Shawn Ryan?

  And so I what I want to ask too is how many people refuse to take the steps to to, what do I say, become attractive to their partner? You know, if you if if if

• 1:04:22Shawn Ryan?

  if my partner, uh,

• 1:04:26Shawn Ryan?

  my wife, my girlfriend, whoever, you know, let's say they they got, or I, let's say they got, you know, just they quit taking care of themselves. They turned into a slob and not cleaning up after themselves, severely overweight. They don't want to go to the gym. They don't want to, they don't want to adjust their diet. They don't want to look at any weight loss supplements. They don't want to any of that kind of stuff. I mean, I think a lot of people.

• 1:04:54Shawn Ryan?

  I would think that a lot of people refuse to improve themselves out of their own ego. Am I, am I on on that?

• 1:05:04Speaker 02

  Mm hmm. Yeah, right on the dot.

• 1:05:07Shawn Ryan?

  Is there a next step?

• 1:05:09Speaker 02

  There is this narrative about you should love me for who I am and not try to change me.

• 1:05:16Speaker 02

  Is that bullshit?

• 1:05:17Shawn Ryan?

  I pull that all the time. No, I'm just kidding.

• 1:05:19Speaker 02

  Bullshit is that? Like, you know, you you knew me this way. Why do you want to change me? Like, you know, you should love me for who I am. True love is unconditional.

• 1:05:32Speaker 02

  Come on.

• 1:05:33Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah, it's both selfish.

• 1:05:34Speaker 02

  Be realistic.

• 1:05:37Speaker 02

  Be logical.

• 1:05:39Speaker 02

  When people say things like that, it's just a protection mechanism. It's a protective mechanism. They don't like themselves. They have a problem with their own.

• 1:05:52Speaker 02

  Self-concept.

• 1:05:53Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 1:05:54Speaker 02

  They have low self-esteem. They have low self-worth. And low self-trust. They don't believe they're capable of changing. They don't believe they're capable of changing. And they also don't think they're worthy of those positive, good outcomes. So that's a personal problem.

• 1:06:14Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:06:14Speaker 02

  Once you communicate these things, right? And it's a, there's reciprocity, right? You maybe also ask them questions. Is there something that you'd like me to improve or change? Right? Make sure it's recip, it's reciprocal. After this conversation, if they still go on with life, doing nothing at all, and refuse to embark on any sort of plan to change. That's a personal problem.

• 1:06:39Speaker 02

  At that point, you sort of have to make a decision. This is the hard truth.

• 1:06:44Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 1:06:46Speaker 02

  Whether or not you want to stay and help this person change and improve.

• 1:06:52Speaker 02

  Or you have hit the ceiling

• 1:06:56Speaker 02

  of

• 1:06:58Speaker 02

  the growth mindset that they're not willing to have.

• 1:07:01Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:07:02Speaker 02

  And what decision would you make? Stay together? Help them more, try and try?

• 1:07:11Speaker 02

  Or split up? And a lot of people choose the second.

• 1:07:15Shawn Ryan?

  I would imagine.

• 1:07:16Speaker 02

  That's why we have such high divorce rate.

• 1:07:18Shawn Ryan?

  I would imagine. I would imagine.

• 1:07:20Speaker 02

  I mean, I can't talk, I'm divorced. Right? Divorced with my first husband. Now, um, with my current husband, I try to do all the things that I didn't do in my first relationship. Making sure that I'm being proactive of everything. Including taking care of myself. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, being a hundred percent with him. Offering all the things that I can, bringing everything to the table. Because I know that a good relationship is high stake. And you should treat it that way. Because if it's low stake, it means you just stop trying.

• 1:07:59Shawn Ryan?

  Good point, good point. What else did you find in the study?

• 1:08:02Speaker 02

  I found that uh three very important predictors of sexual satisfaction are sexual communication, sexual mindfulness, you would like this, um and sexual confidence slash sexual self-esteem.

• 1:08:18Shawn Ryan?

  What is, what is sexual mindfulness?

• 1:08:20Speaker 02

  Sexual mindfulness is the ability to stay present, completely present, and non-judgmental, and feel all the sensations during sex.

• 1:08:33Speaker 02

  A lot of people have very low, they score very low in sexual mindfulness. Therefore, sex isn't very pleasurable. Cause you can't stay present, you think about the dishes, you think about the kids, you think about plans tomorrow and checklist. You're not there. You can't feel the sensations that's going on, and the pleasure that's happening in your body, but you have to receive it. You can't feel it. That's mindlessness. So mindfulness is being able to stay present, and non-judgmental is very important as well. A judgmental lover can be judgmental to themselves and their partner.

• 1:09:17Speaker 02

  So they can go like, oh, I don't know, I don't like the way I look naked. I wonder if he's looking at me and thinking like, oh, this is weird, my boobs are weird. Like, what do I smell like down there? Or you might judge your partner like, ugh, like, oh, I just, his penis is terrible.

• 1:09:34Speaker 02

  Or like, I just wish he shaved, or, or like, he's terrible at dirty talk. Like, you can't stay focused because you're judging.

• 1:09:44Speaker 02

  And all of those things you need in order to be there, to connect, and to feel. So that's why sexual mindfulness is extremely important in a good sex life.

• 1:09:58Shawn Ryan?

  How many people struggle with that?

• 1:10:00Speaker 02

  A lot.

• 1:10:01Shawn Ryan?

  That's a lot too.

• 1:10:03Speaker 02

  Because if you, if you can imagine in real life, how many people struggle with concentration? Like, being able to focus.

• 1:10:11Shawn Ryan?

  I mean, shit, I think everybody struggles with concentration, but I mean,

• 1:10:17Shawn Ryan?

  during sex?

• 1:10:19Speaker 02

  Even harder, right?

• 1:10:24Speaker 02

  Do you, you meditate?

• 1:10:26Shawn Ryan?

  Sometimes.

• 1:10:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, so people that meditate, research found that they have a better sex life. People that do yoga, research found that they have a better sex life. What do they have in common? It's the ability to focus, stay present with your breath. Breathing is extremely important. I have not, I haven't been able to squirt until I was able to connect my breathing with my genital. Then I was able to experience the glory of squirting orgasm. My favorite feeling in the entire world. So sexual mindfulness enables you to experience these, all these good things.

• 1:11:10Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:11:11Speaker 02

  And.

• 1:11:12Shawn Ryan?

  Who struggles with that the most, male or female?

• 1:11:15Speaker 02

  I think women.

• 1:11:16Shawn Ryan?

  Women?

• 1:11:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, we just were, we're over thinkers. Women are over thinkers, we think a lot of things. We, we also tend to do what is called like spectering, like a spectating, like go, go out of our body, like watch what's happening. So like, you know, we'd be like, oh, what do we look like? Like, how, how do I feel about this? Like, hmm, like, oh, do I, like, should we, should we change position? Like, you know, all these things, like, we have to get out of that and feel our body more and just focus on the present, focus on the partner, like breathing together, the sensation, maybe the thrust, maybe the hands, maybe, whatever it is, whatever the act is, is, is focusing on what's happening and breathing deeply.

• 1:12:03Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:12:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:12:04Shawn Ryan?

  Okay, what else did we find?

• 1:12:06Speaker 02

  Sexual self-esteem and sexual confidence are very important and people don't understand the difference between the two. So when you see a, a confident person in the room, do you usually say, oh, that person is so confident? Or do you say, that person has really high self-esteem?

• 1:12:26Shawn Ryan?

  Confident.

• 1:12:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, so you say, oh, that person's confident. Um, because confidence is what you can see. Confidence is external. Self-esteem is internal. So people can fake it. When you hear people say fake it till you make it. It's fake your confidence until people believe that you are. Not necessarily truly feeling you're worthy on the inside. Self-esteem is internal. Self-esteem is what you should work on. Because when you have high self-esteem, you most likely, it's correlated. It's significantly correlated. So when you have high self-esteem, you will come off as confident. You express yourself confidently. So work on your self-esteem.

• 1:13:09Speaker 02

  Work on your sexual self-esteem, which is believing that you are capable of good sex and worthy of good sex and orgasms and pleasure and connecting with your partner.

• 1:13:22Shawn Ryan?

  Okay, so how would somebody work on their sexual self-esteem?

• 1:13:25Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm. I have three different things that I teach my students. The first one is positive affirmations. Are you a big fan of positive self-talk?

• 1:13:37Shawn Ryan?

  No.

• 1:13:37Speaker 02

  Okay, positive self-talk, there's a lot of positive psychology research out there, a lot. Um, saying that it's one of the most important predictors of high performance. Uh, and that, that is in all sort of psychology research, like sports psychology particularly. Um, people like, you know, LeBron or Tiger Woods or people that are really good at sports. People that are the best at what they do in sports, because this was based on sports psychology, tend to do this positive self-talk and positive visualization, thinking they already won.

• 1:14:14Shawn Ryan?

  Hmm.

• 1:14:15Speaker 02

  Visualizing specific scenario of winning.

• 1:14:17Shawn Ryan?

  Okay, I do do that. I visualize, I don't, I don't talk to myself and pump myself up.

• 1:14:23Speaker 02

  So visualizing is non-verbal, so you are talking to yourself non-verbally.

• 1:14:27Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:14:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, because to- to- positive self-talk isn't necessarily always verbal. It can be verbal or non-verbal. If you imagine positive things happening to you, you are non-verbally self-talking.

• 1:14:39Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:14:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, so you do that already. Um, most high-performing people already do. And a lot of personal development people talk about it. It's important because our brains are supercomputers and what you tell it.

• 1:14:55Speaker 02

  It will believe.

• 1:14:56Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 1:14:56Speaker 02

  So if you continue to tell yourself, oh, I'm so stupid, I'm so ugly, I hate my body, I hate my penis. You know, I, I'm not worthy, no one wants me, like, that's what you are going to believe and that's who you become. But if you believe, you bring things to the table, you believe you are attractive, you are interesting. Uh, people wanna talk to me, like, you know, then that's what you are going to believe about yourself. Same thing with sex, so sexual self-esteem, how do you build it? So first is positive sexual affirmations. So saying things like, or writing down or thinking about it, um, that you are worthy of pleasure and connection. Um, your body is sexual and amazing.

• 1:15:40Speaker 02

  You love your penis, that you have an amazing penis and it works, it works whenever you want it to work. Um, you have firm and great erections.

• 1:15:53Speaker 02

  Things like that, so telling yourself that either verbally or just think it or visualize it, all of those things are great things.

• 1:15:59Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:15:59Speaker 02

  So that's one of them and all of that, there's a lot of research to prove that it works. Uh, secondly is sexual meditation. And sexual meditation is similar to regular meditation, but it focuses on sexual thoughts, sexual feelings and sensations in the body. So when you sexually meditate, you sit down and you can be naked in order to have body parts be accessible. You can be naked, sit down, and you can do this with your partner as well, it's uh, one of the great, like, non-penetrative sexual activities that you can do. You can think sexual thoughts together and that can be the last time you had hot sex together. It can be uh, an imaginary scene of what you want to happen.

• 1:16:43Speaker 02

  It can even be, it can, it can be something that doesn't even involve your partner, like, it can be something that is just about you. Maybe you're masturbating and for the first time you have regular erection. Because a lot of people just struggle with going soft after like a minute or so. So like, let's say you imagine that while you meditate and take deep breaths.

• 1:17:06Speaker 02

  There's a lot of research, actually based out of University of British Columbia. There's this sex research lab ran by Dr. Laurie Brodeur that talks a lot about these sexual mindfulness practices and how amazing they are in improving sexual functioning, sexual arousal, so people feel more aroused, and sexual satisfaction.

• 1:17:33Speaker 02

  So sexual meditation is one of them. I have like guided sexual meditation clips on YouTube if people like to like listen to someone and just follow the guide. Because it can be thinking sexual thoughts, it can also be feeling your body. So I'll guide people, you know, to take deep breaths and sing their breath with like playing with their nipples. And then now go down to your pubic area, massage your pubic area clockwise, take a deep breath again, now massage it counterclockwise. Like, doing these things allow you to zone in, right? You zone in, you sing your breath, you practice it regularly, do the same thing during sex, it translates.

• 1:18:12Shawn Ryan?

  And couples do this together as well?

• 1:18:14Speaker 02

  You can do it together, yeah. So there are, where there are like, for example, my meditation tracks. Like, there are some for couples and some for solo.

• 1:18:22Shawn Ryan?

  What would a couple's meditation be like? What would you do as a couple?

• 1:18:29Speaker 02

  Take deep breaths, sing your breath. Singing the breath is very erotic, very hot. Singing the breath, hold hands, follow the guide. Part of it will be like, you can now touch each other's like chest, you know.

• 1:18:44Speaker 02

  Take another deep breath, and you can now touch each other's pubic area and inner thighs. Do this while saying things like, and I'll give an example. I love your body, I adore your body, I desire you.

• 1:18:59Speaker 02

  People have never done that in their life, so when they do it, it's a huge turn on.

• 1:19:05Shawn Ryan?

  Interesting.

• 1:19:05Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 1:19:06Shawn Ryan?

  Interesting.

• 1:19:07Speaker 02

  Definitely try. You're gonna try tonight?

• 1:19:09Shawn Ryan?

  I probably will try tonight.

• 1:19:10Speaker 02

  Great.

• 1:19:11Shawn Ryan?

  So.

• 1:19:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:19:12Shawn Ryan?

  My wife can't wait till I get home and talk about this conversation. Usually she's not like that. Someone here on the dark shit that we're uncovering. You keep bringing up men that are not comfortable with the way their penis looks. So what is it that a woman is looking for in a man's penis that makes it attractive?

• 1:19:32Speaker 02

  That makes them attractive?

• 1:19:33Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:34Speaker 02

  I would say, based on research, people will say at least an average size. Um, there's firmness to it and hygiene.

• 1:19:45Speaker 02

  You will not believe how many men don't take care of their hygiene down there. Like, they just let things grow and they just, they don't wash it properly.

• 1:19:58Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, man.

• 1:19:58Speaker 02

  Maybe they wash the shafts, but they don't wash the balls. But then, you know, when she goes down on you, like, the whole thing, they smell together. Like, it's together.

• 1:20:06Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:20:07Speaker 02

  You don't wanna have cheesy dick.

• 1:20:10Shawn Ryan?

  Gotcha.

• 1:20:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, you gotta wash, you gotta wash the whole thing, wash. If you're uncircumcised, you gotta pull it down, wash the under. Wash the balls, wash the taint, wash your butthole, like, all of that combined, like, wash them thoroughly.

• 1:20:25Shawn Ryan?

  Holy shit.

• 1:20:26Speaker 02

  Cause when it's nice and clean and well trimmed, some, some women may like it shaved. Cause like, you know, when she gives you a blow, she doesn't want like stuff in her face, gives her pimples. You want it to be desirable for her to go down on you. That's the thing. That's the, that's my tip. It's like, if shaving is the last thing you can, like, if the first thing you can do, you should do it because

• 1:20:47Speaker 02

  if, if there's a lot of hair, she might feel like it's irritating. And if she cares about her skin, right, a lot, a lot of women have, you know, their like five step skincare. She might not wanna go down on you just for that sole reason. Every time I do it, it gives me pimples. I don't wanna do it. Yeah, so trimming, shaving, whatever, keep that area nice and neat, like your lawn. Um, and wash it thoroughly. That's the very first step. Take care of your whole body, right? Smell good. But also, I think. The main thing that men are insecure about, the main two things that men are insecure about are size and holding an erection.

• 1:21:31Speaker 02

  Cause a lot of men, and you can probably guess this, especially if they're not very healthy physically, they can't keep an erection that long. Either they can't even get an erection, or they can't keep it that long. And that's like, it's hard. I feel, I feel for them. It's hard to feel that way because you like have sex with a girl and then all of a sudden, you know, my dick's soft. It's very threatening. It's like, what do I do now? It hurts their self-esteem, self-concept, who they are, and confidence for the next time. Cause then now they might not wanna try because it might not work again. And what does that do? It hurts your, your face, right? Like it's face threatening.

• 1:22:15Shawn Ryan?

  It's something to be ashamed of, basically.

• 1:22:18Speaker 02

  But they shouldn't be. Cause it's a, like I always say, it's a situation, not a problem.

• 1:22:23Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:22:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:22:25Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:22:25Speaker 02

  Yeah. And you can work with the situation.

• 1:22:27Shawn Ryan?

  Right on.

• 1:22:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:22:29Shawn Ryan?

  All right, let's take a quick break. And then when we come back, we'll be talking about the science of great sex.

• 1:22:36Speaker 02

  Let's do it.

• 1:22:37Shawn Ryan?

  Perfect.

• 1:22:41Shawn Ryan?

  I've been thinking a lot about this lately. We track everything in our lives, our workouts, our sleep, our business metrics. When it comes to our actual health, most of us are just guessing. And that never really made sense to me. And I think we've all had that experience where you go in, get checked out, and leave without any real clarity. No real breakdown of what's going on, or what to actually do next. That's why I'm really interested in what Superpower is doing. It's one simple set of lab tests, but you're getting data on over a hundred biomarkers. So now you can actually understand what's going on with your body, from hormones to metabolism,

• 1:23:26Shawn Ryan?

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• 1:24:04Shawn Ryan?

  Head over to superpower.com and use code SRS for $20 off your membership. That's code SRS. And after you sign up, they'll ask how you heard about Superpower. Do me a favor, if you could, and tell them The Sean Ryan Show sent you to support the show. When you're trying to perform at a high level, you start optimizing everything like your training, your nutrition, your mindset. For a long time, I wasn't really dialing in my sleep. If your sleep is off, everything feels harder the next day. That's what got my attention when I tried Beam's Dream Powder. I didn't want something to just knock me out.

• 1:24:48Shawn Ryan?

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• 1:25:29Shawn Ryan?

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• 1:26:03Shawn Ryan?

  All right, Dr. Tara. We were going into the science of great sex, but then right before we walked in here, you had, what did you do in orgasmic?

• 1:26:13Speaker 02

  Orgasmic hypnosis.

• 1:26:14Shawn Ryan?

  Hypnosis?

• 1:26:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:26:16Shawn Ryan?

  In Ibiza?

• 1:26:17Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:26:18Shawn Ryan?

  All right, what is this?

• 1:26:19Speaker 02

  So it was a retreat. Uh, it was a weekend retreat with this hypnotist expert who is an expert in helping people experience bodily orgasm through hypnosis without touch. So the training was on both sides. You train to receive, but also train to give. And it was incredible. It was my, I'd say it was the second time in my life that I had an orgasm without anyone touching me.

• 1:26:58Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 1:27:00Speaker 02

  Yeah. Orgasmic hypnosis.

• 1:27:03Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 1:27:03Speaker 02

  It's a real thing. And if you watch videos of his retreat, you will see how many people, women and men, have these orgasmic experiences. I mean, mine was very, mine was subtle because I think I was halfway conscious of there's so many people in the room. So when I was orgasming, I wasn't so, you know, loud and uninhibited like I would in a bedroom. But some of these people, they are able to let go completely and they like had the biggest, loudest, most amazing body contorting orgasm.

• 1:27:41Shawn Ryan?

  Holy shit.

• 1:27:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, you should try.

• 1:27:44Shawn Ryan?

  Right on.

• 1:27:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've tried many things, Sean. I've, I love, what I really love to do is exploring. I've tried these, like all the retreats, like I just love going on them and just see what it's like for myself. Because I can't tell people as a social scientist, I can't tell people what to do unless I've done them.

• 1:28:03Shawn Ryan?

  What are some of the other wild experience, experiments you've done?

• 1:28:08Speaker 02

  I've done so many.

• 1:28:09Shawn Ryan?

  Anything?

• 1:28:10Speaker 02

  What can I talk about what I can't talk about on the show? Are there things I can't talk about on this show?

• 1:28:15Shawn Ryan?

  No, you can talk about whatever you want.

• 1:28:17Speaker 02

  Um, I mean, I love the orgasmic hypnosis experience. I've had an anal retreat.

• 1:28:24Shawn Ryan?

  An anal retreat.

• 1:28:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:28:28Shawn Ryan?

  What is that?

• 1:28:29Speaker 02

  Um.

• 1:28:30Shawn Ryan?

  I mean, I got a good idea, but you know. What exactly?

• 1:28:34Speaker 02

  You've heard about it?

• 1:28:35Shawn Ryan?

  An anal retreat.

• 1:28:36Speaker 02

  So I have never had an anal orgasm up until that point. Uh, I've never felt pleasure anally. But I know that anal sex is a part of exploring with a partner and it can be very pleasurable for the other person as well and yourself. I just felt like I'm missing out for the fact that I've never had like anal pleasure. So I reached out to this person who is a sexological body worker. Have you heard of that?

• 1:29:10Shawn Ryan?

  No, definitely not. A sexological body worker.

• 1:29:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, so in there's. Do you know like the four types of sex therapy?

• 1:29:21Shawn Ryan?

  No.

• 1:29:22Speaker 02

  You want to talk about it?

• 1:29:23Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:24Speaker 02

  So there's four types of sex therapy. There is a talk therapy. So sex therapist like Vanessa, talk therapist. So talk therapy. There is um somatic sex therapy, which is body movement. Cause a lot of times when people have, let's say, energy stuck in their pelvic area and a woman has never had an orgasm in her entire life, it could be that. So talking about it won't help. Movement will. So somatic sex therapy is the second one. Third is sexological body work where it's one way touch. So the therapist will touch you and work on your body for whatever issue or situation you may have.

• 1:30:06Speaker 02

  And then the last one is a surrogate, a sex, sex surrogate therapist. So this is a two way touch. So just like a surrogate that carries babies, you, it's a sex surrogate. So they either have sex with you or.

• 1:30:26Speaker 02

  Other types of sexual activities, whatever your situation or issues are, or trauma that you have to get over, they work with your body, together with you. But in that, you can't just go to a sex surrogate to have sex. You have to work with a talk therapist, like a sex therapist. And it's like a triangle model where it's like you, talk therapist, surrogate therapist. And then you get to go have sex with the surrogate to like solve whatever issue you may have. I've talked to a surrogate therapist that has had mainly disabled clients in her practice, and she said how life-changing it was for them.

• 1:31:08Speaker 02

  There was a younger guy in his 30s in a wheelchair that has never participated in mainstream dating culture because he's disabled, but not only that, he was also like mentally disabled and just haven't been able to participate in the mainstream dating culture or sex culture. And through his therapist was referred to the surrogate, and he, for the first time, you know, went to see the surrogate and through, and they talked first and then they went through an exercise where they both get naked and he's on the bed, she's on the bed, and she puts her naked body next to him, cuddle him and put her head on his chest, and he just started crying.

• 1:31:54Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 1:31:56Speaker 02

  Because he just never thought he would ever be able to experience something like that in his whole life. So, could be a very, very powerful. So those are the types of therapy. Sexological body worker was the person that I worked with for my anal retreat. So she taught me how to have anal pleasure.

• 1:32:16Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:32:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, through like touching me in different areas and working with me to understand my body and what types of touch, what types of penetration, what types of toys I can use, what types of music should be playing, like things like that. So that was very helpful.

• 1:32:33Shawn Ryan?

  I bet.

• 1:32:33Speaker 02

  I had an orgasmic time with her and that was really eye-opening for me to learn to like anal sex. And that's just one of them.

• 1:32:47Speaker 02

  What else? This summer, I'm going on a sex cruise.

• 1:32:52Shawn Ryan?

  A sex cruise. Interesting.

• 1:32:56Speaker 02

  Uh, luxury cruise through Europe, so it's out of Barcelona and we'll go to like beautiful places in the Mediterranean. Um, where every day there are sex workshops.

• 1:33:09Shawn Ryan?

  What kind of sex workshops?

• 1:33:11Speaker 02

  How to give a better blowjob, how to do BDSM, how to do shibari bondage.

• 1:33:17Shawn Ryan?

  Hold on, what is BDSM?

• 1:33:20Speaker 02

  Have you heard of BDSM?

• 1:33:21Shawn Ryan?

  Probably, but what is it?

• 1:33:23Speaker 02

  Um, it's bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism, masochism. It's, it's like a whole lifestyle slash sexual practice and philosophy. Um, so there can be like light BDSM, so if anyone has like spanked their partner, like you know, slap that ass, span the partner, or maybe like light choking at home, a little bit hair pulling at home, like all of those are BDSM, but it's light.

• 1:33:51Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:33:52Speaker 02

  Like at home BDSM.

• 1:33:55Speaker 02

  You know, DIY BDSM.

• 1:33:59Speaker 02

  Cause there are also people that go to see like dominatrix in a dungeon, like professional BDSM. So there's that, but then there's also like DIY at home BDSM, like where you do like um handcuffs, right? Like light things. Um, so there's classes for that, there's gonna be classes for bondage where they teach people how to use ropes. Um, yeah, there will be lots of classes, so I'm on their teaching. So I'm gonna be teaching sexual communication for couples, talking about like different topics they should talk about in their sex life, how to explore like different kings and fetishes through communication. So that's gonna be the class I'll be teaching, but I'm gonna be also going to these classes and exploring new things.

• 1:34:41Speaker 02

  Uh, there will be like uh sex positive shows every night, so like cabaret, burlesque.

• 1:34:50Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:34:50Speaker 02

  You know. Naked people dancing.

• 1:34:53Shawn Ryan?

  Right on.

• 1:34:55Speaker 02

  Things like that. And then there's also like a private room where consensual adults can swing if they want to, but it's not necessarily the key. Like, the key is that there are sex workshops every day and that it goes to these beautiful European destinations.

• 1:35:12Shawn Ryan?

  Got you. Got you.

• 1:35:13Speaker 02

  So when we're doing that this.

• 1:35:15Shawn Ryan?

  So you'll come back with a whole new sloth of skills.

• 1:35:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, I will. Like, if you want me back next year, I'll talk about all these other things. I've also trained with a professional dominatrix as well.

• 1:35:26Shawn Ryan?

  Really?

• 1:35:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, I have a certificate. I should have brought it. I have a certificate. I'm a certified dom.

• 1:35:33Shawn Ryan?

  Right on.

• 1:35:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was. So I'm making this TV show called Six Floor. And it's all about me exploring different sex subcultures. And in a non-judgmental way, in a like, almost like investigative journalism way, just showing people what's there. Not a propaganda, not like, you should do it, but like, here's the menu.

• 1:35:58Shawn Ryan?

  Very cool.

• 1:35:58Speaker 02

  And one of them was me training to become a professional dom.

• 1:36:02Shawn Ryan?

  Right on.

• 1:36:03Speaker 02

  And it was.

• 1:36:06Shawn Ryan?

  When is this coming out?

• 1:36:07Speaker 02

  Do you? Haven't sold it yet.

• 1:36:10Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, you're.

• 1:36:11Speaker 02

  We're just making it.

• 1:36:12Shawn Ryan?

  You're just making it?

• 1:36:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, I made like three episodes.

• 1:36:15Shawn Ryan?

  Nice.

• 1:36:15Speaker 02

  Yeah. But, yeah, but it was a very, very interesting experience because I've never, I've never really been into BDSM or that lifestyle that much. But I've always been intrigued because a lot of people that practice it religiously will say that it's transformative for their life and their trauma. Like, a lot of people will say that it's healing for them. So I'm just curious. I wanted to go in with Blank Slate and just see what it looks like. And I was trained by a dominatrix called Mistress Damiana Chi, who also has a PhD in psychology. And she has been a dominatrix, professional dominatrix for over 25 years.

• 1:37:00Speaker 02

  So I went there to train with her in LA and her dungeon was very.

• 1:37:08Speaker 02

  Interesting.

• 1:37:09Shawn Ryan?

  I bet it was.

• 1:37:10Speaker 02

  It had everything. Things I've never seen in my life. I mean, if you've ever seen like Fifty Shades of Grey, it's like more stuff than that.

• 1:37:18Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 1:37:19Speaker 02

  Uh, everything's in there, every scene. So like there's, you know, stuff that's for like bondage stuff, there's stuff for pain. There's also stuff for like medical stuff. Uh, everything. I'm not an expert in BDSM by any mean, but practicing those things with the subs that were there for as volunteers have been a very empowering experience for me because as a DOM, you have to take control of the situation and your subs do what they're told. And the subs were men. And I mean, these men were very high-powered men.

• 1:37:59Speaker 02

  And I can't share, obviously, it's uh, their confidentiality, there's confidentiality with their identity, but uh, they are men that make a lot of high-power decisions in their daily life and they just wanna not do any of that in sex. So, when I was training, it was with uh, volunteer subs like that. They were her subs, but they were there to volunteer for me to learn from them.

• 1:38:25Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 1:38:26Speaker 02

  That was another wild experience.

• 1:38:29Shawn Ryan?

  That sounds wild. I mean, did you, how, what do you think now? Are you into it?

• 1:38:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:38:38Shawn Ryan?

  Really?

• 1:38:39Speaker 02

  I would say there, I would say it's a spectrum. So to say I'm into it, I'm not into it here. I'm into it like here. Like if it's one to 10, I'm probably like a level four.

• 1:38:50Shawn Ryan?

  Every once in a while?

• 1:38:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, every once in a while and also with a participant that might enjoy it, right? Like that, that would, that want to do it, that gives them pleasure. It's not fun when you inflict pain or discipline someone when they don't like it. It's only, it's only fun when they find it pleasurable. Like, I want to give people pleasure. I'm a very generous lover. My husband would attest to that. Uh, but.

• 1:39:19Speaker 02

  With BDSM, it's all about consent. It's all about negotiating and consent and putting things in writing and signing it off.

• 1:39:29Shawn Ryan?

  Putting things in writing?

• 1:39:30Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. BDSM contracts are very clear, very, very clear. If anything, I think people that are not practicing BDSM should take note on that. Like, signing a contract on sexual preferences, really thinking through like, you know, the things that you really like, their their pleasure map. Um, you talked about pleasure mapping before.

• 1:39:54Shawn Ryan?

  Did I? I can't remember.

• 1:39:57Speaker 02

  Have you tried pleasure mapping?

• 1:39:58Shawn Ryan?

  No.

• 1:39:59Speaker 02

  So have your wife touched, oh, well, touched, massaged or licked different parts of your body? And take note of which parts feel the best?

• 1:40:07Shawn Ryan?

  I already know that.

• 1:40:10Speaker 02

  You can't just say penis. There has to be other parts of the body too. Come on, Sean.

• 1:40:15Shawn Ryan?

  Alright.

• 1:40:15Speaker 02

  You're not a basic man. Like, auraginous zones, which are zones on the body that are most arousing.

• 1:40:23Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:40:23Speaker 02

  So, yeah, pleasure mapping is what everyone should try is uh, massaging, touching, pulling or licking different parts of the body from like, back of the ears, back of the neck, lips, you know, face, chest, like down the tummy, pelvic area. But fingers, toes, like everything, and then just take note of what, what are, what parts are the most arousing. So that's pleasure mapping.

• 1:40:48Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:40:49Speaker 02

  You also like get to talk about things like that in BDSM, like what feels the most pleasurable. So if anything, it's like a lot of sexual communication. And it was interesting, like, I wouldn't say I'm an expert of that, but I would say that it's an interesting practice that I would practice more lightly in my life, rather than professionally.

• 1:41:12Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:41:12Speaker 02

  I can do it professionally. It was, it was tiring. After two days, I was like, I'm really tired. Like, it's hard to be that tough all the time. It's not in my personality. I think you have to have a personality.

• 1:41:25Shawn Ryan?

  So what is?

• 1:41:25Speaker 02

  You might be able to be a good dom. Are you a dom in bed? You probably are.

• 1:41:30Shawn Ryan?

  I've never done it.

• 1:41:31Speaker 02

  Well, are you like dominant?

• 1:41:34Shawn Ryan?

  Probably.

• 1:41:34Speaker 02

  In general, yeah. Yeah.

• 1:41:37Shawn Ryan?

  So what, what, what, um. What is the point? What, what, what do people get out of it?

• 1:41:44Speaker 02

  Pleasure.

• 1:41:44Shawn Ryan?

  I mean, you were, I get that, but I mean, you were saying a lot of these men.

• 1:41:48Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 1:41:49Shawn Ryan?

  Make a lot of decisions, important decisions, they don't want to be doing that in the bedroom. What, what do they, what, so what do they want? What is the, what is the premise of it?

• 1:41:59Speaker 02

  Pleasure.

• 1:42:00Shawn Ryan?

  Pleasure.

• 1:42:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, pleasure in exploring the taboo.

• 1:42:06Shawn Ryan?

  Is it the lack of control?

• 1:42:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:42:08Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:42:08Speaker 02

  Releasing of control. Surrender.

• 1:42:12Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:42:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, in a way, you know, when people do psychedelics, like you have to surrender.

• 1:42:17Shawn Ryan?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:42:18Speaker 02

  Mentally. So this is surrendering, surrendering mentally and physically. Um, and pain isn't necessarily always the point because pain comes with discipline. Like if you, you've done something wrong in the scenario, like role play.

• 1:42:33Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:42:33Speaker 02

  Wrong, you then get discipline, but pain isn't always the point. Like sometimes it's just serving your mistress or goddess or serving your dominatrix.

• 1:42:46Shawn Ryan?

  Gotcha.

• 1:42:46Speaker 02

  Like in that scene, cause that was just practice, right? In that scene, like they were on their knees the whole time. The whole day.

• 1:42:55Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 1:42:55Speaker 02

  At some point I was like, are you okay? Do your knees hurt? And then the dominatrix like did the, she's like, don't ask him that.

• 1:43:05Shawn Ryan?

  Damn.

• 1:43:06Speaker 02

  I was like, oh no, I'm so sorry. She's like, don't apologize.

• 1:43:11Speaker 02

  I guess I don't have the personality for it, but um, but I was like, my God, you've been on your knees all day.

• 1:43:17Shawn Ryan?

  Damn.

• 1:43:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:43:18Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 1:43:19Speaker 02

  Was an interesting experience.

• 1:43:20Shawn Ryan?

  That sounds like it.

• 1:43:21Speaker 02

  So that's what I love to do is exploring.

• 1:43:23Shawn Ryan?

  New stuff.

• 1:43:24Speaker 02

  What it's like, what it's like in that arena, I don't have to always do it in my real, real daily life, but it's fun exploring.

• 1:43:31Shawn Ryan?

  Makes sense, makes sense. All right, so let's, let's move to the science of great sex. What, where do we start here?

• 1:43:40Speaker 02

  I mean, I would say, understanding great sex, you have to understand it from three different perspectives. Personal, relational and societal. So, personal, what are some of the things to consider?

• 1:44:00Speaker 02

  Are you a healthy person? Do you take care of your body bodily functioning? You know, do you have uh your genitals work regularly? Do you have to go see a doctor? Is there pain? Some women experience a lot of vaginal pain. You gotta go see a doctor for that. Some men can't have reliable erection. They should go see a doctor for that. So personal is like a lot of yourself. Like, what about you brings the best sexual partner to the table? Right? Not just physical stuff too. Also, mental, emotional, psychological. Maybe you have sexual trauma. Maybe you have bad relational experiences in the past and you have a blockage.

• 1:44:46Speaker 02

  Maybe emotionally, you're not emotionally open and therefore can't express enough of your emotions to make your partner feel safe and held.

• 1:44:57Speaker 02

  A lot of things about yourself. So that's your personal situation. You gotta figure out that everything's aligned personally and that's one aspect of the science of good sex.

• 1:45:08Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:45:09Speaker 02

  Second aspect is relational. So first one is you, yourself. Second is you and me. So our preferences, our sexual profiles, our communication, our sexual communication, our relationship in general. If the relationship isn't in a good state, sex is not gonna be good. So relational is you and me. And then societal is what are some societal messages or societal norms that affect your sex life negatively?

• 1:45:45Speaker 02

  If you are in a certain society or subculture where sex, like let's say anal sex, is extremely prohibited and taboo and, you know, you're, you will get, like, you'll go to hell for that, for example. Then you'll have a lot of shame trying to tell your wife that that's something you wanna try. Right, uh, or if you're in a society like a lot of places in the Middle East, women can't really have any sexual desire, can they?

• 1:46:21Shawn Ryan?

  Hmm hmm.

• 1:46:21Speaker 02

  Exactly, like, you know, they have to cover their whole body and only show their eyes, like, in, if you're in a society like that, that's gonna affect your sex life regardless of, you could work on yourself, which I doubt you can because you wouldn't have the knowledge, but you could work on yourself, you could work on your relationship, but societally, like, it doesn't allow you to have good sex. So, the science of good sex is personal, relational, and societal, and these things have to go right in order for you to foster a great sex life.

• 1:46:52Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:46:56Shawn Ryan?

  If you spend any time off-road like I do, you already know how easy it is to end up second guessing where you're at, whether you're still on a legal trail, or if the route ahead is even worth taking. That's why I've been using OnX Offroad. It's an off-road navigation app that shows trails, public and private land boundaries, places to camp, and detailed trail info all in one place. And what makes it really useful is the amount of actual trail data. You can check difficulty ratings, terrain details, trail photos, even recent reports from other riders before you head out there. The other big thing is you can download maps ahead of time, because once you lose service out there, your phone is pretty much useless.

• 1:47:39Shawn Ryan?

  But with OnX Offroad, everything still works offline. And if you're riding with a group, their location sharing feature lets everybody stay on the same map so nobody gets lost or separated. What I like most about it is it gives me a lot more confidence when I'm exploring somewhere new. I'm not wasting time backtracking, accidentally ending up on private land, or trying to figure things out once I'm already deep into the trail system. I can plan ahead, know what I'm getting into, and spend more time actually enjoying the ride instead of worrying about navigation the whole time. Search OnX Offroad in the App Store or Google Play. Again, that's OnX Offroad in the App Store or Google Play.

• 1:48:25Shawn Ryan?

  Four sexual personality spectrums. Consistent versus dynamic, traditional versus kinky, monogamous versus flexible, and gentle versus animal. Can we go through some of these? What is consistent versus dynamic?

• 1:48:40Speaker 02

  Okay, so this comes from the first chapter of my book, The What Is Your Sexual Profile? When you take the quiz, it will give you the results of who you are based on these different dynamics, so different dimensions. Then you have the language to talk about it. So the first one, whether you're leaning consistent or leaning dynamic. Again, it's not like binary. It's not like, "I'm dynamic always," or "I'm consistent always." But you're leaning one person. Like, you're either leaning this or this. If you're leaning dynamic, it means you love change. You love variety, you love changes, you love trying new things, you love, like, in a sex session, you might want to try two, three different positions. You might want to try a new sex toy.

• 1:49:25Speaker 02

  You might want to try have sex in the living room sometimes, bedroom sometimes, kitchen sometimes, car sometimes. That's a dynamic lover. If you are a consistent lover, you love consistency and one thing that consistently gives you pleasure. So you may be a missionary lover. And there's no shame in any of these things. You can be anything and be a great lover. But you might love missionary. You might go, "I need missionary every time to come." Like, if I try these things, it gets me out of the mood or out of my mojo, I can't focus, and orgasm. You might have one vibrator that you love, that you try all the time. You might only like having sex in your bedroom in a specific way, clean, candles lit,

• 1:50:09Speaker 02

  with a certain music consistently every time. Not like changing here, changing there, gets me out of the mood. So some people are consistent lovers, some people are dynamic lovers.

• 1:50:21Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:50:22Speaker 02

  Which one are you?

• 1:50:23Shawn Ryan?

  Dynamic.

• 1:50:24Speaker 02

  Okay, so you love variety.

• 1:50:26Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 1:50:27Speaker 02

  Okay, so that's the first dimension. The second dimension is whether you lean towards kinky or more conventional.

• 1:50:38Speaker 02

  If you're traditional, if you're a traditional lover, you like sexual activities that are conventional within your society. So, we're in America. The conventionality is a bit larger than like, let's say, you know, Iran or, you know. So, let's say, you can agree with me or, or correct me if I'm wrong. Conventionality here might be sex between two people, missionary, maybe doki, hand-jaw, oral,

• 1:51:15Speaker 02

  maybe a cowgirl, like woman on top. So, that's like the top five conventional sexual activity. So, if someone is traditional, they enjoy sex within the conventionality, so only those things. If someone leans towards kinky, there's a spectrum within that as well, right? Because there's people that may enjoy anal from time to time and can be kinky versus someone that like lives a BDSM lifestyle 24/7. There's a difference between that as well. So, even kinky has a, it's a continuum. But if you lean kinky, it just means that you like things that are outside the convention.

• 1:51:57Speaker 02

  So, you are into something that perhaps might be seen a little bit unconventional.

• 1:52:03Speaker 02

  I think anal sex is still considered taboo and unconventional. And then other things, maybe it's toes, maybe you like sucking toes. And that's the only way you orgasm. Certain fetishes, BDSM, threesomes, things that are unconventional or leaning towards kinky. So, you're either traditional or you're leaning kinky, but with the caveat that within kinky, there's like level 1 to 10.

• 1:52:32Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 1:52:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, what are you?

• 1:52:35Shawn Ryan?

  Probably lean towards kinky.

• 1:52:38Speaker 02

  Do you know, if you self-assess, do you know which level from 1 to 10?

• 1:52:45Shawn Ryan?

  Probably on the lower end.

• 1:52:47Speaker 02

  Like a three?

• 1:52:48Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah, maybe. Five or lower.

• 1:52:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think a lot of people.

• 1:52:54Speaker 02

  A lot of people surprise themselves when they take the quiz. Cause they think, nah, like we're vanilla, we just like these things. But then after they take the quiz, they're like, oh, I guess I'm leaning more kinky. Just I've never explored.

• 1:53:09Shawn Ryan?

  Monogamous versus flexible, is that open relationship versus?

• 1:53:13Speaker 02

  Not completely. So monogamous means sex is only pleasurable for you if it's only between you and your committed partner. Flexible means it doesn't have to be a committed partner. So it could be open relationship, but that's like at the end of the spectrum. But it could just be that it doesn't have to be a committed, committed partner. Like it can be casual sex, like some people enjoy casual sex. People that travel a lot, they might, you know, enjoy that type of lifestyle. Some people might, you know, get into some shenanigans. Let's say, you know, they go on a bachelor trip to Vegas and had a threesome. That's flexible.

• 1:53:54Speaker 02

  Cause they don't believe sex must be between two people in a committed relationship together. So flexibility just means flexible. And then monogamy means sex with one committed partner.

• 1:54:07Shawn Ryan?

  Okay. Gotcha.

• 1:54:09Speaker 02

  I'm not gonna ask you on that one.

• 1:54:13Speaker 02

  You wanna answer?

• 1:54:14Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah, I would say.

• 1:54:17Shawn Ryan?

  Uh, now that I'm married, monogamous.

• 1:54:23Speaker 02

  You would be surprised how many men take this quiz and they actually lean flexible, but they wouldn't tell that to their wife.

• 1:54:28Shawn Ryan?

  Really?

• 1:54:29Speaker 02

  They're like, I'm monogamous, honey.

• 1:54:35Shawn Ryan?

  Gentle versus animal.

• 1:54:37Speaker 02

  Animalistic. Yeah, so this is how you express in bed. So other things are preferences. This is expression. So if you lean gentle, you prefer soft touches, caressing, whispering, soft kisses throughout the body, kind of like um, let's get it on Marvin Gaye, lovemaking type. If you lean animalistic, you love hard grabbing, hair pulling, not always hair pulling, but just like a lot of pressure and tension. So hard grabbing, scratching, screaming, loud moaning, things like that. So some people express themselves that way and some people express themselves in a more gentle way. Which one?

• 1:55:21Shawn Ryan?

  Animalistic.

• 1:55:22Speaker 02

  Yeah. So there you go. You are dynamic and kinky, monogamous and animalistic.

• 1:55:35Shawn Ryan?

  What happens when people are mismatched?

• 1:55:37Speaker 02

  A lot of people ask me that. So your relationship is not doomed. When there's a mismatch, it just means that there's more conversations to be had. You have to talk about how to explore a certain level of the other person's dimension. Let's say if one person is kinky, the other person is traditional. How can we have traditional sex sometimes, kinky sex sometimes? Right. Talk about that. But kinky, what what level are we talking? Right. Traditional, um, how many times can we spice it up with just a tiny bit of this? So it's more conversations. It doesn't mean you're completely incompatible.

• 1:56:21Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:56:22Speaker 02

  However, it is harder for couples where all four dimensions are different

• 1:56:31Speaker 02

  to

• 1:56:33Speaker 02

  foster compatibility.

• 1:56:35Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 1:56:36Speaker 02

  Just more more work.

• 1:56:38Shawn Ryan?

  Okay. And

• 1:56:40Speaker 02

  Now you can have your wife do the quiz as well and then you guys can talk about it.

• 1:56:44Shawn Ryan?

  I will. What's the biggest misconception men have about creating great sex?

• 1:56:52Speaker 02

  That it's all about their penis.

• 1:56:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Women can have incredible, mind-blowing orgasms without your dick.

• 1:57:09Speaker 02

  And that can be either hard to believe

• 1:57:15Speaker 02

  or hard to take. Some people don't want to take it because there's ego attached to their penis. Like, what do you mean? She doesn't want this, right? Like, yes, she does, but it's not necessary. There are so many different ways for women to orgasm. And if you think of orgasms as a reward, because it's what it is, right? And you talked about this with Vanessa as well, and I love that episode. When you orgasm,

• 1:57:46Speaker 02

  there is reward hormone, right? Dopamine. But there's also oxytocin and serotonin, so it feels great and connecting. It's a really euphoric feeling.

• 1:57:57Speaker 02

  So

• 1:58:00Speaker 02

  if the goal is for sex between you and her to be pleasurable,

• 1:58:07Speaker 02

  and if like, let's say, you are on some medication, your penis, you can't get an erection, it's not necessary. Like, you can give her an orgasm without your penis. You can, she can have, easily have clitoral orgasm, much easier than vaginal orgasm. Clitoral orgasm, nipplegasm, by massaging her breasts and licking and playing with her nipples for an extended period of time.

• 1:58:38Speaker 02

  Some people can have orgasm with a penetrative toy. So if you use like a dildo and you participate, like you're the person giving her pleasure, but you use a toy, that works as well. So many different ways you can go about without involving your penis at all. If your goal was to give her an orgasm and a pleasurable time. So.

• 1:59:03Speaker 02

  Men tend to be very insecure about whether their penis is big enough or if it's working right. So I always ask, what's the goal? And if their goal, and if they tell me, my goal is for my wife to always have an orgasm and like love sex with me. And sex just means like all kinds of things. Then I said, yeah, and you don't, don't need to involve your penis. I mean, your penis is great, but you don't need to involve your penis. So it's okay. Like you can be the person that gives her all the pleasure, the sole provider of pleasure, without your penis.

• 1:59:39Shawn Ryan?

  What would the biggest misconception be about for women?

• 1:59:42Speaker 02

  I would say that women believe about men.

• 1:59:48Speaker 02

  You mean like a misconception that women believe about themselves?

• 1:59:51Shawn Ryan?

  About great sex.

• 1:59:52Speaker 02

  About great sex. Um, that-

• 1:59:55Shawn Ryan?

  What creates great sex?

• 2:00:00Speaker 02

  That they have to have sex all the time. That frequency creates great sex.

• 2:00:05Shawn Ryan?

  Hmm.

• 2:00:06Speaker 02

  Cause I've always had women that come to me and go, oh my God, like my husband wants to have sex like every day. I don't have that kind of energy. Very common.

• 2:00:18Speaker 02

  Then I go on and ask a bunch of questions that lead to the fact that she believes in order for her husband to be happy with their sex life, she must have sex with him every day, regardless of quality. It's quantity over quality. I think that's what they, a misconception, they think what is great sex based on their husbands or their male partners. Um, that's not true, because it's always quality over quantity.

• 2:00:47Shawn Ryan?

  Hmm.

• 2:00:47Speaker 02

  Research found that the happiest couples, most sexually satisfied couples have sex at least once a week. So if people love numbers and want a specific number to adhere to, it's at least once a week. And with the caveat of high quality.

• 2:01:05Speaker 02

  Because it's always quality over quantity. Um Vanessa said like if food is good, you wanna eat it all the time. If food is not delicious, why would you wanna eat it again? It's like as simple as that in terms of logic. But when it comes to what women think what great sex is, I think they think great sex has to involve vaginal orgasm every time. Women that are not very sexually educated might think that orgasm means vaginal orgasm. But orgasm just means pleasure. So you can have clitoral orgasm. And that's, that's your thing. That's your thing, girl. You know, you can have that every day, all the time. And that's amazing. And it releases the same happy connecting hormones as other types of orgasms.

• 2:01:50Shawn Ryan?

  Okay. Interesting. So we've talked a lot about couples that aren't having sex more than a year, two years. I think you even brought up 10 years. It's fucking crazy to me. But what about the couples that have a lot of sex? And they wanna spice it up? And so, I mean, the next section I have is kinky sex fetishes and what's actually normal, but does that, so if somebody is, uh, you know, if there is a couple and they're, and they're just, they're just like, man, it's just, we've done it. We do it all the time, but we're not doing anything new, you know, would, does that mean they have to go down the kinky road? What is that, what does that mean?

• 2:02:36Shawn Ryan?

  What do you tell them?

• 2:02:38Speaker 02

  Sexual exploration is the spice of life. And if you have been together a long time and you do have good connection, good sex, but it's within the realm uh of a container, like, you know, here, here are the, like, let's say you have five items on a menu. And sex is a restaurant and you have five items on the menu. And after ten years, you're like, oh, you know, I've only had these five items like, what's sushi like? What's tacos like? I don't know, we've never tried, we've never tried, we've never had it. You might have like an itch of trying sushi or tacos if those are not on your menu already.

• 2:03:21Speaker 02

  So I would say for those couples is to tread lightly, but try different activities for sexual exploration. And that can be, it's so vast, right? Obviously, the things I've tried, you can try. Like, this summer, you can take your wife to orgasmic hypnosis retreat.

• 2:03:46Shawn Ryan?

  In Ibiza.

• 2:03:46Speaker 02

  In Ibiza.

• 2:03:49Speaker 02

  And go to a class together, try orgasmic hypnosis to see if you guys can hypnotize each other into having an orgasm. Like, that's, you know, that's one way, but of course, like, that's a lot of resources and time off and, right? Not viable for a lot of people. But I'm just saying that exploration can be anything from like that to, like, let's say, have you guys ever tried a sex toy together?

• 2:04:15Shawn Ryan?

  What do you mean together?

• 2:04:17Speaker 02

  Uh, like a couples vibrator or a cock ring that vibrates for her clitoris? So there are sex toys for couples to try. Uh, there are sex toys for men, like I said at the beginning, uh, like a prostate vibrator or massager for, maybe your wife can give you pleasure through that and try it. Um, while, you know, massaging your body, maybe your chest, um, or maybe playing with your shaft while using the prostate vibrator. So that's one of them. Um, there's a practice that I call like penis worshipping.

• 2:04:55Speaker 02

  And it's just like dedicating the whole session in like to the penis. Without expecting anything in return. And of course, there's the opposite of that, which is pussy worshiping. And doing that as well. And why would anyone do it? It is a practice of devotion. Sometimes when you do life together for so long and you have kids and you have bills and you have responsibilities. You forget to devote to each other as husband and wife. So these practices where it's just solely about you. I'm here to give you pleasure and I'm excited to be here. I'm not being forced to be here. I'm not like, oh, whatever, I'll give you a blowjob. I'm excited to be here, giving you pleasure. It's all about you.

• 2:05:41Speaker 02

  That's devotion. And I think relationships, long-term relationships particularly, need moments of devotion. In order to remind ourselves of our romantic connection outside of all these things. Bills, taxes and children. So those things are great. Um, there can even be smaller things like, you know, when you go out on a date night. Pick each other's outfits.

• 2:06:10Speaker 02

  You can surprise her with new lingerie. You can cook delicious aphrodisiac foods for dinner together. You can try anal. You know, aphrodisiacs, aphrodisiac foods, anal, lingerie, prostate massager, orgasm hypnosis. Sexual meditation for couples. Um, showering together, right? Like that can be quite sexual. You don't have to have penetrative sex, but you can shower together. You can maybe even try using a clitoral massager on her while taking a shower together. See if you can make her come in the bathroom.

• 2:06:49Shawn Ryan?

  Hmm.

• 2:06:49Speaker 02

  A new challenge. Um, you can, if you haven't done a food play, you can try involving food. Uh, one, two foods that are great for food play that doesn't disrupt. Um, the body are honey and coconut oil. Because they're both antibacterial. So if you put like chocolate like up the vagina or something like that, it will mess with her pH and she might get a UTI or yeast infection. Uh, but honey and coconut oil tend to be safe ones for like if like, let's say you wanna spice up your oral.

• 2:07:29Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:07:30Speaker 02

  Usually you just go down on her, maybe put coconut oil all over her vulva, lick it off. That could be a play.

• 2:07:37Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:07:37Speaker 02

  For men, like women can put honey on their nipples and try to lick it off that way. That could be fun. There's so many like, if you call me and you were like, we wanna try something. I have like thousands of things that I think I can go on forever, just suggesting different things. It's just depends on your capacity.

• 2:07:56Shawn Ryan?

  How do they strike up these conversations? Especially, I mean, we went through kind of the compatibility thing. So what if, you know, what if there is a couple that's got healthy sex and they're, you know, they're, maybe they're incompatible. Maybe they aren't. One of them is more kinky than the other. How do they bring up?

• 2:08:17Shawn Ryan?

  How do they communicate that comfortably?

• 2:08:18Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm. My favorite thing to say, the shit sandwich.

• 2:08:23Shawn Ryan?

  The shit sandwich.

• 2:08:26Speaker 02

  It, that works for every topic that's hard to bring up. You know, if you're gonna fire someone or um, do other things that in business that's hard to do, you would do the shit sandwich. It's kind of similar because sex is so vulnerable and it's hard to talk about. You wanna always first start with how great it is already, right? Especially if the relationship is good already, you know, not to say you should lie, but like, you should remind each other how amazing our connection is. Like, I'm just so grateful that, you know, we've had this great sex life for ten years. Like, you know, just heard statistics from Sean Ryan's show and like, most people don't even have great sex. You know, a third of people don't even have sex at all.

• 2:09:11Speaker 02

  So the fact that we have sex this regularly is just like, you know, hallelujah and

• 2:09:16Shawn Ryan?

  Uh-huh.

• 2:09:17Speaker 02

  like, thank you for being like such an amazing partner to me and so grateful for that. We've been trying, uh, we've been having really great sex. What I heard from the Sean Ryan podcast or the Sean Ryan show was, uh, this lady, Dr. Tara was talking about, like, I don't know, it sounds pretty crazy, but she was talking about how she, uh, tried, uh, let's say.

• 2:09:44Speaker 02

  Coconut oil while going down on her husband and you know. We have coconut oil in the kitchen. Seems like maybe that's something we could try, like a baby step into trying something new together. Like I could put it on you and go down on you and you know, you can do that to me. And maybe that's like the first step step in trying something new as well. And then of course, end with another good thing of like, you know, I always, I I love like you have amazing BJ skills. Like I love that and you know, definitely not gonna change that. But you know, adding adding other things to the menu might be fun and interesting for us. Now that we've been together for ten years and we've tried a lot of the things, existing things already. What do you think?

• 2:10:27Shawn Ryan?

  I think that would work.

• 2:10:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, so that's that's like a conversation that you can have.

• 2:10:33Shawn Ryan?

  I mean, the the reason I'm asking is because, I mean, at the beginning of this, we had talked about how we talked about communication. And how it's it's taboo to kind of talk about this. And so I think, you know, a lot of people. They they're just uncomfortable talking about the subject in general. And so then when you get to something like that, it's.

• 2:10:53Speaker 02

  It's uncomfortable.

• 2:10:54Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah.

• 2:10:54Speaker 02

  And. I'm realistic enough to say it is uncomfortable and it will be uncomfortable for you for a while. Even even for me, if it's something that I know is very, very brand new. And. My husband might have like a um, an idea against it.

• 2:11:20Speaker 02

  It is uncomfortable and it's hard to bring out, but I will always try to bring it up. With that method.

• 2:11:27Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:11:28Speaker 02

  Something amazing already. Here's a new little thing for the menu. But you are amazing.

• 2:11:34Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:11:37Shawn Ryan?

  Kink practitioners report higher satisfaction, better communication, stronger trust. Misconception. Kink equals violence, degradation, reality equals consensual exploration of powerful sensational fantasies.

• 2:11:57Shawn Ryan?

  Fetishes are more common than people think. That's true, huh?

• 2:12:01Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm, yeah. Yeah, I think kink has a bad name. People think kinky, they think, oh, these weirdos doing these weird shits. When in fact, yes, there are, you know, weird people perhaps doing bad things. But then there's also people that are not weird doing bad things. You know what I mean? There's especially with all the news that came out, like there's, it's a sensitive topic to talk about kinky sex because then people equate to like, oh, like the ditty sex, right? Like immediately equate to um, non-consensual sexual activity. When in fact, when you're in a relationship, you're allowed to be kinky.

• 2:12:45Speaker 02

  Uh, or even if you're single, like as a human, you are allowed to be kinky as long as you communicate it upfront and the kinky sex that you have with your partner is consensual and pleasurable for both.

• 2:12:59Speaker 02

  Who am I to judge? Who are we to judge? If it's within a beautiful relationship, they both want to explore, they communicate about it and they accept each other. Acceptance is a huge thing. I won't judge, it's consensual and pleasurable, go for it.

• 2:13:16Shawn Ryan?

  What are some of the, what are some of the most common fetishes people tell you about in private? I'm just, I'm asking because

• 2:13:25Shawn Ryan?

  it kinda, you know, it takes the taboo out of it. You know, it's, it's, oh shit, other people are into this. I'm not alone, you know?

• 2:13:32Speaker 02

  The most common fetish is foot fetish.

• 2:13:36Shawn Ryan?

  Really?

• 2:13:37Speaker 02

  The most common fetish in the world and in the United States is foot fetish. If you go to a very famous website um where people like sell foot pics and connect with other people that are like minded. There's millions and millions of users, like a lot of users and people are really into feet. But they're too ashamed about it. But also this this fetish, it has like different variations because some people might be into feet in terms of, oh, it turns me on, gives me an erection. Gives me a hard on, turns me on. Others might be like, I need to involve sex, oh, I need to involve feet in sex every time in order for me to orgasm.

• 2:14:22Speaker 02

  Like can't come without feet. So that's like a necessity. While others are just like, yeah, I love feet, like gets me really turned on. But then they just have, you know, missionary sex or whatever while massaging her feet or whatever. But some people need to like use feet with the penis.

• 2:14:42Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 2:14:42Speaker 02

  In order to come. So just variations, some people love watching women in heels, placking their heels.

• 2:14:54Speaker 02

  Gives them an erection. Some people love bare feet, some people love dirty feet, some people love feet in socks and stockings. Some people love feet in sand. Some people will pay so much money for women to step on cake while they like masturbate.

• 2:15:13Shawn Ryan?

  Really?

• 2:15:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:15:14Shawn Ryan?

  I've never heard of that.

• 2:15:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:15:16Shawn Ryan?

  Interesting.

• 2:15:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, so there's variations of different foot fetish, not they're they're not all the same and people are into different things, but

• 2:15:26Speaker 02

  sadly, a lot of times people are very ashamed of having it.

• 2:15:32Shawn Ryan?

  What are some other ones?

• 2:15:34Speaker 02

  Um, so there are, there's, I mean, people that are into pain. Like, it could be a fetish where they're into pain. People that are into, there's so many different fetishes. Fingering, like fingering, fingering fetish. Where they have to be fingered every time. Women, usually. Um, they can have anal fetish, they can have balloon fetish.

• 2:15:58Shawn Ryan?

  Balloon fetish? What is that one?

• 2:16:00Speaker 02

  Where, uh, they love balloons, either like being next to balloons, the to- like the touch of latex, like the balloon. Or like popping balloons.

• 2:16:10Shawn Ryan?

  Interesting.

• 2:16:11Speaker 02

  Armpit fetish?

• 2:16:13Shawn Ryan?

  An armpit fetish?

• 2:16:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, they love like smelling, licking, touching, putting their face next to it. Putting their penis next to it.

• 2:16:21Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 2:16:22Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, there's so many fetishes in the world. There are, obviously, fetishes that should not be acted upon. Because it's illegal. Right?

• 2:16:34Shawn Ryan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:16:35Speaker 02

  Involves children.

• 2:16:36Shawn Ryan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:16:37Speaker 02

  Like, those are unacceptable. And you need to work with a professional. Psychiatric professional for things like that.

• 2:16:46Shawn Ryan?

  Hmm.

• 2:16:46Speaker 02

  Um, but, you know, there will be fetishes that involve children, involve hurting other people, like, for real, not consensually. Cutting.

• 2:16:57Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, jeez.

• 2:16:58Speaker 02

  Um, there could be, uh, necrophilia. Where they like having sex with a dead body.

• 2:17:04Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:17:04Speaker 02

  Like corpse.

• 2:17:06Shawn Ryan?

  Let's keep it light. I don't wanna go down.

• 2:17:10Speaker 02

  Viscality, having sex with animals.

• 2:17:12Shawn Ryan?

  Oof.

• 2:17:13Speaker 02

  Illegal, but not in some states. I don't know why.

• 2:17:17Shawn Ryan?

  Oof, alright, alright.

• 2:17:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:17:20Shawn Ryan?

  Let's, let's move on to, yeah. Let's move on to. So, we have a huge military first responder audience. A lot of these guys are silent professionals, and so.

• 2:17:32Speaker 02

  Thank you for your service.

• 2:17:34Shawn Ryan?

  Thank you. Why, why do men perform? How do I say this? High-performance men, the silent professionals, the military types, the stoicism, the stoic types. Why is it that they are good at performing everywhere else except the bedroom?

• 2:17:56Speaker 02

  Hmm, love this question. I thought about this and I also thought about some of my clients that I worked with that are veterans. And I looked into the literature as well. There is a huge emotional and behavioral discrepancy between being in high-pressure, uh, military-esque situations where you have to be regimented, follow strict rules, and you cannot be emotionally vulnerable. You have to be mentally tough and stay on course with these strict rules

• 2:18:39Speaker 02

  and actions within your attitude and behavior. Sex is the opposite. It's freeing, it's, um, it's vulnerable, emotional. Some people orgasm and they cry, right? Like, it's almost the opposite of being regimented. It is being fluid in a scenario with someone you love, being completely open to them, vulnerable, uh, allowing them to see a part of you through everything else, through the flesh. They're two very different scenarios. So of course, that makes sense.

• 2:19:20Speaker 02

  That if you're really, really good at this scenario, you might not be able to translate a couple of different skills that you can do in that into this other scenario that's so different. So that's the main explanation of the fact that in sex, you have to be so open and vulnerable. And in these high-pressure, military-esque, uh, scenarios, you have to be, uh, more like closed, tough, and stay on course. So that's the main situational difference.

• 2:19:55Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:19:59Speaker 02

  I think that with a couple of my clients, there's also this deep rooted belief about masculinity.

• 2:20:09Speaker 02

  You wanna talk about that?

• 2:20:10Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah, let's talk about it.

• 2:20:11Speaker 02

  I think in military,

• 2:20:16Speaker 02

  sometimes, men are taught toxic masculinity.

• 2:20:23Speaker 02

  Can you tell me what you think is the difference between healthy masculinity and toxic masculinity?

• 2:20:28Shawn Ryan?

  Hmm. I think,

• 2:20:33Shawn Ryan?

  be personal, I think toxic masculinity is a facade. I think it is fake masculinity. It is, uh, how do I say this? It's somebody, to me, toxic masculinity means somebody that is not comfortable enough

• 2:20:56Shawn Ryan?

  in their own skin to be a man.

• 2:20:58Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:20:58Shawn Ryan?

  And so they over embellish what they think masculinity is, which they think it's, uh, I don't know, I mean, I don't, I think.

• 2:21:08Speaker 02

  Dominant.

• 2:21:09Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah, dominant, just over, just over embellishing everything, you know? Over embellishment of how much they like violence, how much they like, um, how long their fucking beard is.

• 2:21:20Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:21:21Shawn Ryan?

  Um, they constantly wanna throw their weight around everywhere.

• 2:21:24Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:21:25Shawn Ryan?

  I, I, um, bossing people, I, I think that's all bossing people around. I mean, I, I think that's, it's just a, it's, it's a, it's a fake man.

• 2:21:36Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:21:36Shawn Ryan?

  It's kind of, you know, the way I would describe it. And then real masculinity, I think, is, um, you are comfortable with your masculinity, so you don't need to over embellish it. And it's there when you need to pull it out. It doesn't, you don't have to display it 24 hours a day, let everybody know how fucking tough you are.

• 2:21:56Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:21:57Shawn Ryan?

  People will figure that out on their own.

• 2:21:59Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:22:00Shawn Ryan?

  That's, that's, that's kinda how I would put it.

• 2:22:03Speaker 02

  I love it, and I think it's very accurate. I would agree with you that toxic masculinity is just a facade.

• 2:22:09Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 2:22:10Speaker 02

  And people bring up things like being domineering, uh, you know, run over everyone. Like, I make the decision, I'm the man of the house, right? Not listening to people, not have any empathy, not being loving, because that can be seen weak or feminine. So, all those things are very toxic. And perhaps, within that culture, you tell me, I, I want to hear from you. Perhaps within that culture, there's a lot of characters like that.

• 2:22:37Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 2:22:38Speaker 02

  There are a lot of healthy men as well, but I think there are a lot of characters like that, where that sort of, um,

• 2:22:48Speaker 02

  toughness, regardless of anything else, is rewarded.

• 2:22:53Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 2:22:54Speaker 02

  Versus healthy masculinity, yes, you can be the protector, the provider, um, you know, someone that leads the family, makes a lot of important decisions and communication with your partner. Uh, but you also know how to communicate, know how to express certain emotions that are necessary within a relationship, learn how to communicate your boundaries and ask for the other person's boundaries, um, and help guide your partner and the family to a place where there's, where it's fulfilling and healthy. And healthy masculinity has all these things combined. But I think with

• 2:23:39Speaker 02

  veterans that I've worked with, perhaps there is a lingering effect of, no, no, no, no, like, I gotta be tough, this has to be a certain way. And so after I worked with them, I realized like, oh, okay, they don't think showing a lot of affection is masculine. Being very loving is seen might be soft.

• 2:24:03Speaker 02

  Um, when in fact, they want to be, but they think they shouldn't be. Or else it's not like masculine.

• 2:24:09Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 2:24:09Speaker 02

  So being very loving, expressive, things like those things that are not considered masculine for them. So I had to like reprogram them, that like, listen, you can be masculine. Masculinity is hot, healthy, and attractive. But it needs to be healthy. It needs to be good for you and your partner. Not these other things. Uh, I'm the man of the house. I make all the decisions. Like, she's not, she's inferior to me. Can't have a king without a queen. Uh, so when you, when, when I reprogram them to like, you know, you can be loving and masculine. You can be empathetic, try to understand your wife and be masculine.

• 2:24:54Speaker 02

  You can be touchy, like touchy and um affectionate with your children, give them kisses and be masculine. Um, you can talk about how certain things make you feel bad. And how do we improve it is masculine, because that, that is having the courage to talk about hard things. That to me is super masculine. So perhaps masculinity isn't what you thought it was. And after reprogramming and talking about all these characteristics that can help them flourish in a relationship, they tend to have more capacity to then talk about sex with their wife and be more emotionally open to the things they're into that perhaps they didn't never wanted to talk about before.

• 2:25:40Speaker 02

  And yeah, so I always highly recommend men that have been in high pressure, high power situation like that to audit their beliefs. And rethink about how do I be myself? How can I be myself but 2.0?

• 2:26:05Shawn Ryan?

  Is it true that the stoic silent type is the highest risk pattern for relationship breakdown?

• 2:26:13Speaker 02

  Highest what?

• 2:26:14Shawn Ryan?

  Highest risk pattern for relationship breakdown.

• 2:26:18Speaker 02

  Yes, because when you say, oh, I'm just stoic. I'm not the kind of guy that tell people how I feel. You're already losing the battle.

• 2:26:34Speaker 02

  A human experience is just a bunch of emotions. You go through every day feeling different things. If you're not feeling all of them and communicating them with your partner,

• 2:26:48Speaker 02

  you've already lost the battle. If you pride yourself in only being stoic and closed off in order to maintain order within your life,

• 2:27:02Speaker 02

  that's not gonna be a way to have a happy and fulfilling long-term relationship. Because order, maintaining order in your life, isn't necessarily the most fulfilling, interesting, exciting life, is it?

• 2:27:22Shawn Ryan?

  No. I have that a lot of women who are in a relationship with somebody like this wind up just going through the motions if they don't leave.

• 2:27:33Speaker 02

  Or they cheat, but they don't get caught.

• 2:27:37Shawn Ryan?

  And so,

• 2:27:40Shawn Ryan?

  how, how do I say? For somebody that's in, for the male that's in that relationship, for the high performer that's in that relationship and his wife or his significant other, or her wife, or her, like her husband, or whatever, the partner, how can you tell if your significant other is just going through the motions?

• 2:28:00Speaker 02

  Hmm, oh, that's a really good question.

• 2:28:10Speaker 02

  If they no longer communicate what they want.

• 2:28:18Speaker 02

  When people already give up, which we call it quiet quitting, people usually quiet quit their relationship six to 12 months before they ask for divorce. So, already quit. And I can relate to that, because I was already quiet quitting eight months before asking for divorce.

• 2:28:38Speaker 02

  When people are quiet quitting, they're no longer asking for anything. They're no longer telling you what they want, what their preferences are. There's no point. I've already quiet quitted this relationship. And either I quiet quit and just stay in it in the meantime, until I have enough courage or a good timing to mention I wanna get a divorce, or I'm getting it somewhere else and this is fine. This is my life situation. I can have affection, excitement, and sexual satisfaction somewhere else.

• 2:29:09Shawn Ryan?

  Interesting.

• 2:29:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:29:10Shawn Ryan?

  I mean, also, though, just to kinda counter that a little bit. Earlier, you know, we were talking about the fear of asking what you want and how, just how high of a bar that is alone to get over. And so, if you're with somebody that's going through the motions, that is also scared to ask what they want, or they never have before, are there any other signals?

• 2:29:33Speaker 02

  Oh, so when I said they no longer talk about what they want, I don't just mean sex.

• 2:29:37Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, okay.

• 2:29:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, like, for example, if your wife used to say things like, "Oh, I wanna go on a date night," or like, "Can we make sure we do a date night next week?" Or if she goes like, "Oh, I wanna go shopping, uh, like, can you get me a new dress?" Or if they go, "We haven't been on a walk on a beach in a long time. Like, should we both leave our phones and go walk on the beach?" If she was to tell you the wants, and she no longer does, that's a good sign that she's checked out.

• 2:30:06Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:30:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, so the wants in the relationship, not necessarily sex. Sex is one of them, but sex is really hard to decipher.

• 2:30:12Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:30:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:30:14Shawn Ryan?

  And how should that person approach to fix the problem?

• 2:30:18Speaker 02

  Have a tough conversation.

• 2:30:20Shawn Ryan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:30:22Speaker 02

  Might be easier with a counselor, like a relationship counselor or couples therapist, because these conversations, they're high stakes, very emotional conversations. Sometimes when two people have them, they end up just fighting, and they end with a conflict.

• 2:30:41Speaker 02

  So if resources is available, I would try to find a couples therapist to help navigate this discussion.

• 2:30:49Shawn Ryan?

  Do you find that most couples are open to sex therapy?

• 2:30:55Speaker 02

  No.

• 2:30:55Shawn Ryan?

  No?

• 2:30:56Speaker 02

  No. Cause that means that first step, you have to accept there's a problem. A lot of people don't accept they have a problem or a situation to resolve.

• 2:31:05Shawn Ryan?

  How many people stick with it?

• 2:31:09Speaker 02

  Fifty percent.

• 2:31:11Speaker 02

  Many people start. I've had lots of like one session people.

• 2:31:16Shawn Ryan?

  Really?

• 2:31:16Speaker 02

  Mm hmm. They come in, they just wanna say their piece. Wanna get it out of their chest. That's fine. And that solves whatever five percent of their problem. And then I will give them, you know, a solution like here's a plan. You need to come back for this, this, this, you and her need to come back for this, this, this. They don't. So I have a lot of those. I'd say fifty percent of the people that I've had sessions with have never had another session.

• 2:31:44Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 2:31:44Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 2:31:45Shawn Ryan?

  Wow. Okay.

• 2:31:47Speaker 02

  I always wonder like, are they still together? Are they divorced? Like, what's the situation? My guess would be that they're not together or very unhappily together.

• 2:31:56Shawn Ryan?

  Going through the motions.

• 2:31:59Shawn Ryan?

  All right. Well, let's take another quick break. When we come back, we'll hit some Gen Z stuff.

• 2:32:07Shawn Ryan?

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• 2:32:51Shawn Ryan?

  So it's clean, tested, and exactly what they say it is. And there's a bigger mission here. BUBS was founded in honor of Navy SEAL Glenn "Bub" Daugherty. And ten percent of all profits go towards helping veterans transition back to civilian life. So you're not just supporting your joints and recovery. You're supporting people who served this country. If you're ready to upgrade your daily routine with BUBS Naturals Collagen, head to bubsnaturals.com/srs and use code Shawn for twenty percent off your order. Again, that's bubsnaturals.com/srs and use code Shawn for twenty percent off your order. Take care of your body. It's the only one you've got.

• 2:33:38Shawn Ryan?

  Want to stay up to date on all things SRS? You bet your ass you do. Our newsletter brings you the latest SRS news and critical updates. Get instant alerts on the newest episodes. Never miss a beat. Exclusive intel briefs from counterterrorism expert Sarah Adams. You've seen her many times on the show. She's going to give unfiltered insights on global terrorist activity. For Patreon exclusives, you're going to get epic range days with me and damn near every guest that's come in the studio. You're also going to get behind the scenes content and guest updates. You're going to get first dibs on new merch drops and limited edition items that will never be sold again.

• 2:34:20Shawn Ryan?

  Plus exclusive offers from our partners you won't find anywhere else. So subscribe to the Vigilance Elite newsletter right now.

• 2:34:34Shawn Ryan?

  All right, Doctor, we're back from the break. Starting to wrap it up here, but next section before we get to Gen Z modern dating stuff is what do men actually need to hear from their spouse? Tactical frameworks. Irregular, or excuse me. I have number one, regular intimacy check-ins. Two, express desires and boundaries clearly. Three, nonverbal communication strong throughout the day.

• 2:35:02Speaker 02

  Hmm, love all those notes. Those are great notes from my book. What do men need to hear from their partner? I think I need to understand this question a bit more. Do you mean what should their partner tell them on a daily basis or weekly basis? Or what should?

• 2:35:19Shawn Ryan?

  Not just from their partner, just what do they need to hear? You know, to be a successful partner, successful in the bedroom, all of that stuff. What are things that they need to hear? So what are regular intimacy check-ins? What does that mean?

• 2:35:37Speaker 02

  I think what they need to hear is that you are accepted the way you are. And then whatever you're into, it's valid.

• 2:35:51Speaker 02

  A lot of guys out there have certain desires and fantasies.

• 2:36:01Speaker 02

  And they live with it in so much shame. So.

• 2:36:08Speaker 02

  I think whatever the men out there are going through sexually, whether it's something that they're into that they feel a bit unconventional, or maybe just struggling with frequency in the relationship, or struggling with sexual initiation, getting rejected. Whatever it is that they are desiring, know that they are valid and that they are accepted.

• 2:36:31Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:36:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think they need to hear that.

• 2:36:34Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:36:35Speaker 02

  Regular check-ins, I think it's extremely important for couples to have regular sexy check-ins. And I say you should have it monthly, one monthly and then one annually. A monthly one can easily be things like, you know, how would you rate our sex life last month from one to 10 and why? What's something I can do to improve that by one point? We're looking for gradual improvement here, not unrealistic goals. And then what can we do together to improve that by one point? These are objective questions that are really, really good for every relationship. Is it hard to bring up? Yeah, if in your relationship, you don't have that sort of repertoire.

• 2:37:17Speaker 02

  If you've never talked about sex in your whole life, bring up like, how would you rate our sex life from one to 10 last month?

• 2:37:26Speaker 02

  It's a bit tough. So yeah, there's prerequisites to, you know, you should talk about sex. Other things like preferences, like what do you like, da, da, da, da? Other easier things before you get to let's do this weekly or monthly or annually.

• 2:37:42Speaker 02

  But it is important because people change, they change and grow and their preferences do too. Whether they grow that through self-exploration, like feeling their bodies and they learn something new. Or they watch, you know, erotic movies, porn, and they learn like, oh, like I really like that or I want to try that, right? So people change and grow, their life situations also change. You now have young kids.

• 2:38:06Shawn Ryan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:38:07Speaker 02

  That change a lot.

• 2:38:08Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:38:08Speaker 02

  For people that go through and they have. Uh, old age parents, dying parents that I have to take care of. That changes their life situation. All of that affects your sex life. So checking in with each other once a month is necessary.

• 2:38:25Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:38:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I highly recommend that. Uh, it's a part of the study that I did where I found that sexual communication, like checking in and having that sort of conversation regularly, helps predict long-term sexual satisfaction.

• 2:38:43Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:38:44Speaker 02

  So I, I'm gonna give you a challenge.

• 2:38:46Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, boy.

• 2:38:47Speaker 02

  Tonight with your wife, when you get back, you're gonna ask her, "How would you rate our sex life? Let's say in the last couple of months, how would you rate our sex life from one to 10? And why?

• 2:38:59Shawn Ryan?

  We actually talk about this all the time.

• 2:39:01Speaker 02

  Great. So what ratings have you been giving each other?

• 2:39:04Shawn Ryan?

  A 10.

• 2:39:05Speaker 02

  Oh, I love that. So you guys prioritize your intimacy a lot, I see.

• 2:39:10Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:39:10Speaker 02

  Yeah. Why do you think that is?

• 2:39:14Shawn Ryan?

  Um, I mean, it wasn't always like that, you know, but, um,

• 2:39:21Shawn Ryan?

  we put a lot of effort in. You know, we put a lot of effort into maintaining, you know, and.

• 2:39:29Speaker 02

  Maintaining yourselves?

• 2:39:30Shawn Ryan?

  Maintaining ourselves, you know, and so, um, that translates to confidence and comfortability, being comfortable in the bedroom and, and, uh, yeah, so it's.

• 2:39:46Speaker 02

  Do you talk about preferences?

• 2:39:53Shawn Ryan?

  Kinda.

• 2:39:54Speaker 02

  Okay, you typically talk about, like, do you feel good about our sex life, right?

• 2:39:58Shawn Ryan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:39:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, so you talk about quality.

• 2:40:00Shawn Ryan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:40:00Speaker 02

  You don't talk about preferences as much.

• 2:40:03Shawn Ryan?

  Hmm.

• 2:40:04Speaker 02

  Or expansion.

• 2:40:06Shawn Ryan?

  Hmm.

• 2:40:07Speaker 02

  Expanding the menu.

• 2:40:08Shawn Ryan?

  We have not talked about expanding the menu, I don't think.

• 2:40:12Speaker 02

  Okay, so that's a new challenge.

• 2:40:14Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:40:15Speaker 02

  Might be easier for you because you already talk about the quality of the sex life that you guys have together.

• 2:40:20Shawn Ryan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:40:21Speaker 02

  Talking about, like, preferences, like, making sure if these parts still feel good. Any other parts that you discover that you want me to try? Preferences, that's good. Um, and then perhaps expanding the menu, especially after the conversation today.

• 2:40:36Shawn Ryan?

  We have done that. I thi- I think maybe.

• 2:40:40Shawn Ryan?

  I wanted to ask this later on, but

• 2:40:45Shawn Ryan?

  you don't know what you don't know.

• 2:40:47Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 2:40:47Shawn Ryan?

  You know what I mean? And so I guess this would kind of go along the lines of like, you know, when we were talking about exploring new territory and fetishes and all that kind of stuff. And and you know, Vanessa has this game.

• 2:41:02Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 2:41:03Shawn Ryan?

  And I was gonna ask you if you have something like that where it kind of uses the

• 2:41:10Shawn Ryan?

  what do you like? You know, what do you want to try? What do you? And because I think even if you ask the other person is, you know, there's still a hesitancy.

• 2:41:18Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 2:41:18Shawn Ryan?

  But Vanessa had this this game that like, kind of, it makes suggestions for you.

• 2:41:24Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 2:41:25Shawn Ryan?

  Do you know what I'm talking about?

• 2:41:26Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 2:41:26Shawn Ryan?

  Do you have any suggestions like that?

• 2:41:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, so a game, uh, my game's super simple. You don't need to spend any money. It's free. Anyone can try and do. It's fun. It's called squeeze, lick, suck. SLS. Different from SRS.

• 2:41:47Speaker 02

  So squeeze, squeeze, lick, suck. Um, it's almost the the setup of it is almost like playing charades at home. Like you need just a bowl and small pieces of paper. Uh, you write down different parts of your body that you think feels good or might feel good to explore through these actions. You fold it and put it in a bowl. And then you guys take turns picking up uh, an item. And then you say the action, if you want to try that part, squeeze, licked, or sucked.

• 2:42:22Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:42:23Speaker 02

  And then you explore through that game.

• 2:42:25Shawn Ryan?

  Right on.

• 2:42:26Speaker 02

  It's very non-threatening because it's like, leave it to chance.

• 2:42:28Shawn Ryan?

  Yep.

• 2:42:29Speaker 02

  And yeah, like you pick whether you want it squeezed, licked, or sucked. So you have some sort of say to it. And that's good exploration and it's fun.

• 2:42:38Shawn Ryan?

  Interesting.

• 2:42:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:42:39Shawn Ryan?

  Well, try that one.

• 2:42:41Speaker 02

  Let me know how it goes.

• 2:42:42Shawn Ryan?

  I will. Perfect.

• 2:42:46Shawn Ryan?

  And then express desires, boundaries, clearly. I think we talked about this non-verbal communication throughout the day. What do you, what is that? What are you talking about?

• 2:42:56Speaker 02

  Physical touch.

• 2:43:00Speaker 02

  I think our society is touch-starved.

• 2:43:07Speaker 02

  We want more touch. Humans deserve touch. Touch allows us to feel the warmth and affection of another person. And it doesn't have to be sexual touch. In fact, non-sexual touch is better for your sex life. Non-sexual touch regularly is better for your sex life. Let me explain. When you're in a long-term relationship and sex becomes sort of formulaic,

• 2:43:37Speaker 02

  every time you touch them, it might communicate, oh, like, we're gonna go have sex. If she is not into it, every time you come over and do the boob honk or kiss on the neck, she thinks, oh, it must turn into sex, then psychologically, that touch is now something that's unwanted.

• 2:43:57Shawn Ryan?

  It's an ask.

• 2:43:58Speaker 02

  Like, she tenses up. It's an ask. Like, yo, you want something from me. So I only get affection when you want something from me.

• 2:44:07Speaker 02

  Not a good, um, psychological state to be in a relationship. You wanna feel like you get touched and you get affection all the time from your partner with nothing wanted from you in return, not an ask. So that's why non-sexual touch is so important. You can hold their hand at any time, rub their arms like this at any time, that, like, hold, put your hand on their thigh at a restaurant, um, kiss them on the cheeks, on the lips, on the face, on the hair, on the neck, on the chest, on the arm, anytime. Give them a little foot massage as you guys watch TV, maybe a little peck, anytime. No sex, like, no sexual favors in return.

• 2:44:52Speaker 02

  All of these things will accumulate into your love bank, and the love bank translates into more desire, sexual desire that she'll have for you.

• 2:45:02Shawn Ryan?

  Interesting.

• 2:45:02Speaker 02

  I can guarantee it, because a non-sexual touch is one of the things that women complain to me the most. It's like, whenever he touches me, he just wants something.

• 2:45:14Speaker 02

  Not a good feeling.

• 2:45:15Shawn Ryan?

  No.

• 2:45:16Speaker 02

  Like, oh, if he comes over and kiss my neck, I have to give him a blowjob.

• 2:45:23Shawn Ryan?

  Right on.

• 2:45:23Speaker 02

  No, not a good feeling for women. Like, we don't wanna feel used, right? We wanna feel like an active participant in this. And therefore, if you make us feel loved and cared for, that love bank is more full, and I think there's just more capacity for us to have the stronger desire.

• 2:45:40Shawn Ryan?

  Okay. And before we move on, anything else that men need to know about, need to say, need to do?

• 2:45:48Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 2:45:49Shawn Ryan?

  Before we move to Gen Z?

• 2:45:51Speaker 02

  So many things.

• 2:45:54Speaker 02

  Men need to know about many things. Um, so I'm gonna run through a few different things that I wanna talk about. So first, sex toys are your friends. They are your friends. In any, like, activity we do in the world, we have tools to make it better or easier. Uh, why not sex as well, right? Doesn't mean that just you and her is not enough. It's completely enough, but it's expanding the menu. So sex toys of any kind. Sex toys for her, sex toys for him, sex toys for them, sex toy for us, like, whatever it is.

• 2:46:28Speaker 02

  Try to shift your perspective from it's a competition, it's it's not natural, to like, oh, in anything in life we do, we have aid. Why not this? So that's the first thing that I want you to, like, expand the definition and the menu. The second is-

• 2:46:44Shawn Ryan?

  What's a toy somebody should start with?

• 2:46:48Speaker 02

  To help her have an orgasm every single time, clitoral massager.

• 2:46:53Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:46:54Speaker 02

  Like a clitoral vibrator, but there's so many different kinds. So I would say a high-quality one would be high-quality, um, silicone, like, high-quality material. They will say medical-grade silicone. Um, one that's quiet and discreet, cuz nobody wants like, uh, like a machine down there.

• 2:47:14Speaker 02

  Like those big ass like ones I don't like. Uh, I think small, discreet, quiet, really good, doesn't kill the mood. Um, one that's perhaps waterproof is good, so you can use it in the shower if you ever take a shower together. These are just a few criteria. There, there are ones that I really love that are like pleasure jewelry, meaning like you can wear it as a necklace, but it's a vibrator.

• 2:47:39Shawn Ryan?

  Hmm.

• 2:47:40Speaker 02

  So you can like whip it out and like tease it and use it like in a naughty way, like in a car. For example, if you were driving back from date night, like, you know, like, why don't you turn that on and, and put it on to like get the engine started?

• 2:47:56Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah, I don't think the guy's ever gonna go, you know, if she does the signal, oh, she just wants something.

• 2:48:01Speaker 02

  Maybe, maybe I do that all the time. I have a necklace that's also a vibrator, that if I, if I get it, my husband knows what's gonna happen.

• 2:48:11Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah.

• 2:48:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:48:12Shawn Ryan?

  I'll bet he's not going, oh, she just wants something.

• 2:48:14Speaker 02

  Oh, she, maybe, maybe he feels used, I don't know, I should ask him, do you feel, do you feel used every time I grab this? So that's one of them. Um, another thing is, I would love for people to, from, I would love for men to consider non-penetrative sex as sex. Uh, people think having sex is only vaginal penetration. Like, they usually say, oh, we haven't had sex forever. I'm like, oh, but did she, like, did she give you a blowjob or a handjob? He's like, yeah, he cheated. That's sex, like you had sex.

• 2:48:52Speaker 02

  So expand the definition a little bit so that it gives, it's almost like training your brain to accept more reward.

• 2:49:00Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:49:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, which is healthy, like, it's gonna be good for you because then you'll get reward more often. Uh, so expand the definition, not just vaginal penetration counts as sex, everything counts as sex. Even if you guys do mutual masturbation, lay next to each other and masturbate. Both can be in each other's presence, there's moaning, there's naked bodies, still hot, let's work.

• 2:49:25Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:49:25Speaker 02

  On busy days.

• 2:49:32Speaker 02

  Men that have a lot of

• 2:49:40Speaker 02

  like bad pictures on dating apps and they say they don't get any matches is because of your pictures.

• 2:49:49Speaker 02

  This is, this is a bit random, but I've read a lot of studies on this topic because I love talking about dating apps. And men that in real life are a catch, don't get a lot of matches unless they structure their dating app, their dating profile in a strategic way. So if you're like, a lot of manly men don't have any photos of themselves. Cause they're like, when, when do I ever take a photo of myself or like a selfie? Right? They go, I don't have good photos. Well, invest like that might mean asking a friend to take some photos of you. That might mean hire a cheap photographer in your area to take some good pictures of you wearing different clothes like

• 2:50:31Speaker 02

  you need good photos because on those apps it's predicated on three seconds, you know swipe. So if the first photo is you wearing sunglasses and like a hat and like on a fishing boat. You're not gonna get any matches. I'm sorry. Like there's nothing wrong with fishing, but you're not gonna get any matches. They need to see your full face, your body, like your personality, your smile. So you need good photos and good profile. Like spend some time to think about how to answer some of the prompts. Some men that come to me like, I don't get any matches. They didn't answer any of the prompts. They're like, well, but I'm not that kind of person. Well, it's all about impression management on dating apps to become more successful.

• 2:51:14Speaker 02

  So do you want to be yourself or you want to be successful?

• 2:51:22Speaker 02

  Take some tips and apply them. I can guarantee it will it will change the likelihood of more more you'll get more matches.

• 2:51:30Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 2:51:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:51:32Shawn Ryan?

  All right. Well, that brings us to modern dating Gen Z in the loneliness crisis. But before that, I have a polymarket thing.

• 2:51:41Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 2:51:41Shawn Ryan?

  You ready? Do you know what polymarket is?

• 2:51:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, you bet. It's a bet.

• 2:51:46Shawn Ryan?

  The US fertility rate up in Q1 2026. Basically, they're want to know, they're asking, do you think that the fertility rate is going to rise or fall in 2026? And only 35% of people say that the fertility rate is going to rise. 65% say no. So

• 2:52:09Shawn Ryan?

  CDC's Q1 2026 general fertility rate exceeds 53.3 births per 1,000 women aged 15 to 44. The Q4 2025 baseline,

• 2:52:24Shawn Ryan?

  excuse me, the crowd is pricing in a 65% chance that it falls again. The US hit a record low of 53.1% in 2025, down from 53.8 in 2024. That's two decades of decline.

• 2:52:43Shawn Ryan?

  Gen Z is having less sex left off, less often and later, or not at all. Dr. Tara's research sits at the center of this loneliness app. Loneliness, app fatigue, shame, and sexual communication breakdown are all contributing factors to be to a generation that is more connected digitally and less connected physically. Is the birth rate collapse a policy problem, an economic problem, or a relationship and intimacy problem?

• 2:53:15Speaker 02

  Oh, that's a big question.

• 2:53:18Speaker 02

  I think it's all of the above.

• 2:53:20Shawn Ryan?

  You think it's all of the above?

• 2:53:21Speaker 02

  Uh, I've never shared this anywhere before, but I've gone through fertility struggles for a long time. And we've tried everything that science has to offer. Um, you know, obviously naturally tried for years and then tried everything else that what science has to offer. All the procedures and vitamins and injections and didn't happen. So I would say it's all of the above. But there is a difference between fertility amongst millennials and older millennials. I would say that's my generation and versus Gen Z's.

• 2:54:05Speaker 02

  I think different worries with us millennials.

• 2:54:13Speaker 02

  There have been a lot of us that pursued our careers and perhaps waited to have children later. Cause I'm in my late 30s and we started trying like mid 30s. And that obviously just statistically in general is harder than if you were to try earlier. But it wasn't something that I wanted to, or neither was my, what my husband wanted to. Cause we were really passionate about what we do. We still do, we still are passionate, but it just wasn't the right time. And once it was the right time, it was really hard. Um, so that's one situation.

• 2:54:58Speaker 02

  Another situation, I would say in my, amongst my peers, people around my age in their 30s that are having difficulties, don't have enough financial resources to pursue it rigorously scientifically. Because those are very expensive.

• 2:55:20Speaker 02

  I mean, you know, just transparency. Each round was like at least 15,000 each round and you have to do multiple usually. So.

• 2:55:34Speaker 02

  For us, it's, there's all these things to consider. You know, why it's not happening.

• 2:55:40Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 2:55:41Speaker 02

  For Gen Z's, we are seeing statistics. Quite a few times now, for, from different sources, that a lot of Gen Z's are not having sex. And also have very bleak view of the future.

• 2:56:00Speaker 02

  And that's one of the reasons why they don't wanna have children. Is because like, maybe the earth is not gonna be here, maybe there will be World War III, maybe there will be like a, an outbreak, a biological warfare at some point. What's the point? There's microplastics everywhere. You know, or even vaccines, like, for my situation, like, who knows why? Cause I'm so healthy, right? Like, I don't drink alcohol, caffeine, I exercise, you know? You can see my size, I'm a regular sized person, like, it's, there is no reason why I would struggle with that. But, could be anything. Could be anything, could be vaccines, could be microplastics, could be, you know, anything. So, I don't know.

• 2:56:45Speaker 02

  But for Gen Z's, all of these worries combined, plus social media telling them every day, like, oh, you know, the world's going to shit. What's the point of looking forward into the future when there might not be a future?

• 2:56:58Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah.

• 2:56:58Speaker 02

  So, a lot of my students say that. I mean, I, I can poll my students anytime. I have hundreds of students every single semester. And time and time again, they're just like, yeah, I want to, but like, I don't know. It just doesn't seem very promising, the future.

• 2:57:13Shawn Ryan?

  Man, that's scary. Gen Z is the loneliest generation in recorded history, and also having the least sex. Your research says communication is the number one predictor of sexual satisfaction. Is the birth rate crisis really a communication crisis in disguise?

• 2:57:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think so. Uh, you know, an interesting statistic that I read about Gen Z's. Uh, well, adults age from eighteen to twenty-nine. Was that in the past, their weekly social time, like in person, hang out with friends in person, used to be twelve hours, and now it's five.

• 2:57:53Shawn Ryan?

  Are you serious?

• 2:57:54Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm, yeah. So, if you're not seeing people in real life, you probably are not dating or participating in, you know, mainstream dating culture, or having sex, or talking about sex. So, yeah, like, let alone sexual communication, you're not even spending time with anybody. If social time goes from twelve hours to five hours a week.

• 2:58:17Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah.

• 2:58:17Speaker 02

  Then there isn't really a lot of opportunity.

• 2:58:21Shawn Ryan?

  What is, what is the modern dating scene these days?

• 2:58:24Speaker 02

  Dating apps.

• 2:58:25Shawn Ryan?

  Is it really?

• 2:58:26Speaker 02

  Although.

• 2:58:26Shawn Ryan?

  The majority of it?

• 2:58:27Speaker 02

  There are a couple of studies now identifying that Gen Z's are also sick of dating apps.

• 2:58:33Shawn Ryan?

  Are sick of dating apps?

• 2:58:34Speaker 02

  Right, yeah, just because they grew up with it. Um, but dating apps still one of the most prominent ways of meeting a partner and for people that are getting married. Like, they have met, at least, like, half the people have met their partners online.

• 2:58:51Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 2:58:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, very prominent way of meeting a partner.

• 2:58:55Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 2:58:56Speaker 02

  Um, but for Gen Z's, you know, they can be on dating apps, but they're, they're not socializing that much. Um, they're also not having sex that much, I mean statistically, and there's a couple of different surveys you can cite. Uh, but I think all would agree that about, um, one in four Gen Z's are not having sex. So, one in four people are, that's what, twenty-five percent?

• 2:59:23Shawn Ryan?

  One in four? I've heard eighty percent of Gen Z feels lonely versus forty-five percent of boomers. Seventy-five percent of Gen Z is burnt out on dating apps. Tinder lost five hundred and ninety, basically six thousand, six hundred thousand users. Bumble lost three hundred and seventy thousand users. Hinge lost a hundred and thirty thousand users in the twenty twenty-three, twenty twenty-four time period.

• 2:59:51Speaker 02

  Oh, that makes sense to me. It's.

• 2:59:58Speaker 02

  It's an unusual way to meet people, isn't it? You have to go through hundreds of faces.

• 3:00:07Shawn Ryan?

  Dating apps?

• 3:00:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:00:09Shawn Ryan?

  Have you done it?

• 3:00:10Speaker 02

  Have, yeah. Have you ever been on a dating app?

• 3:00:12Shawn Ryan?

  I've been on a dating app.

• 3:00:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, was it exhausting?

• 3:00:16Shawn Ryan?

  What's that?

• 3:00:16Speaker 02

  Was it exhausting?

• 3:00:18Shawn Ryan?

  I didn't put much effort into it.

• 3:00:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, if you do, it's exhausting. Like, you know, it is a good way to meet people if you're so busy. If you work, you know, from morning till evening and then have dinner and then you don't have time to go out and like meet new people in real life. It's a good way to meet people because then you meet them online, you can kind of tell if you like each other physically and then you message to meet them in person. But the problem is a lot of people don't even meet anyone in person.

• 3:00:50Shawn Ryan?

  I didn't, I barely met anybody. The, it was, that's a lot of pressure.

• 3:00:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:00:55Shawn Ryan?

  And then the ones that I did meet, it was like, that was seventy-five pounds ago. That photo was seventy-five pounds ago. This, this isn't.

• 3:01:04Speaker 02

  So there's research that shows um that women lie the most about their weight and men lie the most about their height.

• 3:01:11Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, really?

• 3:01:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:01:12Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 3:01:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, so, yeah, that exists. Catfishing exists. You show up, you're like, oh,

• 3:01:22Speaker 02

  you don't look anything like your photos.

• 3:01:26Speaker 02

  It's a disappointment. Like, it's such a bad thing to do because

• 3:01:32Speaker 02

  do you think when they see you in person, they will go, oh, I like you regardless?

• 3:01:37Shawn Ryan?

  I can attest, no.

• 3:01:39Speaker 02

  You can't, they, they can't trust you.

• 3:01:41Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah.

• 3:01:42Speaker 02

  If you start off a relationship with, oh, I can't trust this person because they lied about what they look like, that you started at like a negative, not even at a zero.

• 3:01:53Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah.

• 3:01:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, so that's terrible. But I, I get it when people say they're exhausted about dating apps because humans, we were historically, when, when was a time where we were exposed to thousands and thousands of people every week?

• 3:02:09Speaker 02

  Back in the days, our ancestors, never.

• 3:02:12Shawn Ryan?

  Never.

• 3:02:13Speaker 02

  We were in little tribes, right? Just even evolutionarily. We, our way back ancestors, we were in tribes. We only knew like one hundred people max. And we don't even know all of them. But we live in a little tribe and we all take care of each other. And that's like all the people we know. And now you swipe from people in Australia, in Germany, in Japan, and I think it's really hard on a person's mental load to go through dating apps and still be engaged and feel positive about it. I think that's why a lot of drop offs, like a lot of Gen Z's are not participating. But then where do they meet? Because they also don't hang out, socialize in person.

• 3:02:58Speaker 02

  If you only socialize five hours a week. Uh, so that is a big puzzle that a lot of people are talking about, but there isn't necessarily

• 3:03:11Speaker 02

  one big cure. Like, obviously, it's getting off your phones. Right? Spending more time with people. Teaching Gen Z's um relational maintenance strategies. Uh, friendship initiation strategies. How do you like talk to people, ask them out? Not even romantically, just spending time with other people. Teaching social skills, uh, communication skills, and how to foster friendships.

• 3:03:44Speaker 02

  There are so many things we can talk about with this issue.

• 3:03:46Shawn Ryan?

  Man, if they're not learning that, then the, then the generation after them is gonna be even worse.

• 3:03:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, your kids are Gen Alpha. It's completely different. These are iPad kids. Cause the Gen Z's are not iPad kids, they're the Zoom schools. So the Gen Z's, they went to Zoom school. During the most important years of social development.

• 3:04:10Shawn Ryan?

  Mm hmm.

• 3:04:11Speaker 02

  Because of covid.

• 3:04:12Shawn Ryan?

  Covid.

• 3:04:14Speaker 02

  So these kids went to school alone. Just watch other people on a screen. Stay at home alone and do their homework alone. They didn't have socialization for quite a few years of their major developmental years. And then now they're in college. And a lot of colleges now offer just zoom, just online classes because that's how they that's the modality that they're used to. And how they like to go to school. Like, I know this because I teach some online classes and those are always full. Because my students want to take online classes. They don't want to go to campus. So you have zoom school generation.

• 3:04:59Speaker 02

  Not hanging out in person that much. Not participating in dating and sex that much.

• 3:05:07Speaker 02

  What's gonna happen?

• 3:05:08Shawn Ryan?

  What do you tell these kids? I mean, if if eighty percent of the generation is lonely.

• 3:05:15Shawn Ryan?

  I mean, how do you tell them? You gotta get out there. Go to go to a bar. Go like, go to a club.

• 3:05:22Speaker 02

  They only have too much social anxiety to go to a bar.

• 3:05:24Shawn Ryan?

  Holy shit.

• 3:05:25Speaker 02

  Mm hmm. There's a lot of social anxiety. It's also a heavily medicated generation.

• 3:05:32Speaker 02

  Very common for people to say like, you know, like, oh, I'm on this, this and this.

• 3:05:39Speaker 02

  And that has.

• 3:05:42Speaker 02

  People have different thoughts about that.

• 3:05:44Shawn Ryan?

  Mm hmm.

• 3:05:45Speaker 02

  What are your thoughts on western medicine and medicating?

• 3:05:50Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, I think it's unraveling at a record pace right now.

• 3:05:54Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 3:05:55Shawn Ryan?

  I think we're we are over medicated.

• 3:05:57Speaker 02

  Mm hmm. I think we are too. I'm trying to walk the line of not shaming people that actually need it. Versus talking about how some people don't need it. But they think they do.

• 3:06:09Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 3:06:10Speaker 02

  Because pharmaceuticals tell you.

• 3:06:11Shawn Ryan?

  Uh huh.

• 3:06:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, because there are people that actually have these internal problems and they need medication in order to function in a society. But then there are people that are just like, oh, I'm just, I'm so anxious. Like, I need this.

• 3:06:31Speaker 02

  Or I don't think I can focus, like I can't study, I need to take this, right? Like taking Adderall to study is like very common.

• 3:06:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, I grew up differently because I grew up in Asia. We didn't believe in medication, you know, we were like boiling leaves and drinking things and my mom giving me like goji berries to see better or things like that. And meditation instead of medication for ADHD, right? When I was young, I was all over the place, lots of energy. I was sent to meditation camp almost every summer. Meditation camp gave me concentration. Yeah, junior meditation camp. Where you meditate hours in a day, like different sessions, different teachers. And they force you to meditate.

• 3:07:23Shawn Ryan?

  Do you still meditate?

• 3:07:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, I meditate every day and pray every day as well.

• 3:07:27Shawn Ryan?

  How long?

• 3:07:29Speaker 02

  Meditating, five minutes, pray for five minutes.

• 3:07:33Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 3:07:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:07:35Speaker 02

  But you know, the way I grew up is you, if you have ADHD, you meditate. Until you learn how to concentrate and be in your own flow. And then now I can concentrate. But I think here, you like slap a Band-Aid on a problem, right? No one has time to teach their kids to meditate or stay still or be okay with being bored and stay still. They just say, oh, okay, like take this, take Adderall so that you can focus.

• 3:08:08Shawn Ryan?

  You're not wrong.

• 3:08:09Speaker 02

  Or take a Xanax so you can chill. You're too anxious, take this. Can't sleep, take this.

• 3:08:16Speaker 02

  You're nervous to go on a date, take this. You can't get it up, take this. Your vagina doesn't get wet, take this.

• 3:08:26Speaker 02

  We have a pharmaceutical society.

• 3:08:29Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah.

• 3:08:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, some things I think we do need, but a lot of things we don't. And so that's a part of the problem of Gen Z as well is it's heavily medicated and it's almost celebrated, like it's fun to talk about.

• 3:08:43Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, man.

• 3:08:43Speaker 02

  And I've seen that in my students.

• 3:08:47Speaker 02

  I still personally, I'm gonna be honest, haven't found a way to talk about it in a way that doesn't help make them feel ashamed. Cause I also don't wanna say like, you don't need that, like, you know.

• 3:08:59Speaker 02

  Because it's tough between the line of whether they need it or not. You know, I'm not their medical doctor. I haven't read their tests.

• 3:09:08Speaker 02

  But my guess is a lot of them don't need it.

• 3:09:10Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah, I'll bet you're right.

• 3:09:12Speaker 02

  And all of those things combined also affect the way they can date and have sex. Because when you're on SSRI, you don't have sexual desire.

• 3:09:23Speaker 02

  Have you heard of that correlation?

• 3:09:24Shawn Ryan?

  I did not know that.

• 3:09:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, and a lot of adults that are not Gen Zs, like millennials, Gen X, baby boomers, are on SSRI and they're wondering why they have low sex drive. Uh, there is a correlation between low sex drive and taking SSRI. So you have to go through that as well as Gen Zs. Like, you know, you would think, you're 21, man, like, go out, talk to people, like, talk to girls, date, have sex, jerk off, right? You would think these things because that's how we grew up as, you know, older millennials or Gen X. But no, like, can't do that if you're on a bunch of medication. You don't even get an erection or you don't even have like the desire to. They don't masturbate, they don't like, you know.

• 3:10:09Speaker 02

  And if they do masturbate, then they rely heavily on porn. I mean, we're talking at least 50% of Gen Zs watch Porn Weekly. So, you know, if a lot of stimulation comes from that, then dating and trying to initiate sex with a normal girl in a bar might feel too boring. Not as stimulating.

• 3:10:31Shawn Ryan?

  Wow.

• 3:10:34Shawn Ryan?

  That's sad.

• 3:10:36Speaker 02

  I know, but but you have kids in Gen Alpha and that's gonna have a lot of the whole, a whole different set of issues that come with that as well, the iPad kids.

• 3:10:47Shawn Ryan?

  Yep, I already see it.

• 3:10:51Speaker 02

  Do you have iPads?

• 3:10:52Shawn Ryan?

  Do my kids have iPads? No.

• 3:10:54Speaker 02

  No?

• 3:10:55Shawn Ryan?

  On, they get an iPad if we're on a flight.

• 3:10:59Speaker 02

  Oh, the flight, yeah.

• 3:11:00Shawn Ryan?

  That's it.

• 3:11:00Speaker 02

  So they don't cry?

• 3:11:02Shawn Ryan?

  Uh, yeah.

• 3:11:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:11:04Shawn Ryan?

  So they don't annoy the entire plane.

• 3:11:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 3:11:08Shawn Ryan?

  But, um, but that's it. They don't get iPads at home or anywhere else. No restaurant iPads, no nothing.

• 3:11:14Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 3:11:15Shawn Ryan?

  So.

• 3:11:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, we have, we have a whole different generation that will grow up with AI, um, with medicated parents. Um,

• 3:11:33Speaker 02

  just a whole lot of issues.

• 3:11:35Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah.

• 3:11:35Speaker 02

  You know how outside we were talking about, like, do we see the future as like things going in a positive way? Or are things going to a negative, or in a negative way?

• 3:11:48Shawn Ryan?

  Are you asking me now?

• 3:11:49Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 3:11:50Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, boy.

• 3:11:53Shawn Ryan?

  In the short term future, I don't see much positive happening.

• 3:11:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:12:03Shawn Ryan?

  Long term, probably, but a lot has to change.

• 3:12:08Speaker 02

  A lot has to change. Um, I love the idea of community leaders. Like you are a community leader. Because we can't rely on political leaders.

• 3:12:23Shawn Ryan?

  That's no shit.

• 3:12:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, yes. The truth, the truest of all truths is you can't rely on political leaders or business leaders. I think relying on or finding inspiration in community leaders, different community leaders, is really helpful. People want something to rely on. Like the way they rely on religion. Um, the good parts at least, because like if we're critically talking and critically thinking about religion, every religion has good and bad parts.

• 3:12:55Shawn Ryan?

  Mm hmm.

• 3:12:56Speaker 02

  Um, but I think if you can, the way that our ancestors relied on religion and

• 3:13:05Speaker 02

  You know, tribe leaders, there are community leaders now. Uh, like you and uh, many people that are talking about the truth of many different topics, helping people arm, arm them with skills, uh, communication skills and help shift perspectives on reality. Then I think we are looking at a positive future. If more people find inspiration in their community leaders.

• 3:13:34Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah, I hope so. I hope so.

• 3:13:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm I'm trying to be optimistic. Also, because I'm a sex expert, I have to be optimistic. I'm gonna help more Gen Zs have sex and have pleasurable sex and find each other. Like, I I have to find a way because it's not, it's not entirely their fault. They grew up in this environment, you know what I mean? Like, you are your environment, like, they grew up in this environment. So I have to help them, like, open their eyes, the third eye.

• 3:14:05Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah. Good luck with that.

• 3:14:08Speaker 02

  Thanks. But that's why being a college professor, like, is rewarding, like, because that's my job. I don't just teach the subject, I help them have a better life.

• 3:14:18Shawn Ryan?

  Yeah. Let's talk about this uh, this new TV show that you're, that you're doing, the celebrity one.

• 3:14:25Speaker 02

  Yes, uh, I just finished filming a fourth season of a show in the UK called Celebs Go Dating, where I'm the sex expert on the show. And we train celebrities, or we coach celebrities, and then send them on dates. So it helps them find love. And then the show that I just finished filming here in America for an American show that's on TLC and HBO is called 90 Day Last Resort. It's where couples come into a resort, couples that are Working on their relationship or going through a rough patch in their marriage or on a brink of a divorce. Come into the retreat or the resort and rehab their relationship.

• 3:15:09Speaker 02

  So I'm also a sex expert on that show.

• 3:15:12Shawn Ryan?

  Right on.

• 3:15:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:15:14Shawn Ryan?

  After, when's that coming out?

• 3:15:16Speaker 02

  Uh, so the ninety day last resort is coming out June first. So you can either stream it on Hulu or you can watch like um the day after on HBO.

• 3:15:26Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 3:15:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, so that one is rehabbing marriages.

• 3:15:30Shawn Ryan?

  Right on.

• 3:15:31Speaker 02

  So I'm working in both uh both stages of love.

• 3:15:37Shawn Ryan?

  The very beginning.

• 3:15:38Speaker 02

  The very beginning and the sort of not the end, hopefully.

• 3:15:42Shawn Ryan?

  Do you have a preference?

• 3:15:45Speaker 02

  No, because it's so fun to see people date. And like, how much people struggle dating? Not fun like ha ha ha, you know, poor you, you're terrible at dating. But fun as in like, people become so vulnerable when they go on dates. You see these successful, like beautiful, confident celebrities. But when they go on a date, they're just a person trying to date and find love and connect with another human. And some of them were really bad at dating. But it's so endearing, it's like an endearing bad at dating. Uh, and it gives you a lot of perspective that like, oh, if I'm not great at dating, like, look at these people. They're, you know, beautiful, successful, terrible dating.

• 3:16:28Speaker 02

  Uh, so that's fun as in like, it's haha, it's a good time. The rehabbing a marriage one, it's heavier. Because these couples have a lot of issues. And they

• 3:16:45Speaker 02

  they are intercultural or they are interracial or intercultural couples.

• 3:16:51Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, okay.

• 3:16:52Speaker 02

  So all of them, the premise is one of them is American, the other one is not.

• 3:16:56Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 3:16:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, so there's cultural issues to begin with.

• 3:17:00Shawn Ryan?

  That's very challenging.

• 3:17:01Speaker 02

  Oh, very challenging, even before personal issues or relational issues, there's cultural issues. Like I bring to the table a whole host of cultural beliefs of what my partner should be like.

• 3:17:13Shawn Ryan?

  Mm hmm.

• 3:17:13Speaker 02

  Right, so you know, there's.

• 3:17:15Shawn Ryan?

  That's tricky to navigate.

• 3:17:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, there's um like, right, like Latin American women, like a Latina and a white American man in the Midwest.

• 3:17:26Speaker 02

  You know.

• 3:17:27Shawn Ryan?

  I've had this happen.

• 3:17:29Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 3:17:29Shawn Ryan?

  It didn't work out well.

• 3:17:32Speaker 02

  You mean you dated a Latina?

• 3:17:33Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:17:35Speaker 02

  How did that end?

• 3:17:37Shawn Ryan?

  Not well.

• 3:17:40Speaker 02

  Well, it's a lot of, it's a lot of intercultural and cross-cultural communication and understanding each other's like cultural customs.

• 3:17:48Shawn Ryan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 3:17:49Speaker 02

  I'm from Thailand and, you know, my husband's from Washington. So, we're intercultural and interracial. We have a lot of differences, but at the same time, we're so good at communicating with each other that if some things happen to me that are like, "Oh, I don't want you to do that because like in my culture, like that's a bad thing," I just communicate it. But I think some people don't have those communication skills, therefore they just harbor it and it becomes such a big problem and they blow up. So, this show is very realistic in terms of what marriages can go through and I think the viewers will really love watching it because it's real. Like, "Oh, gosh, these people like are fighting on these things like we did too," or like,

• 3:18:33Speaker 02

  "Oh, wow, like we're better than them, so we should feel better." Or how they overcome their issues. It's very, it's endearing, like they overcome their issues. Um, but it's a long process.

• 3:18:47Shawn Ryan?

  All right, hon, I can't wait to see it.

• 3:18:48Speaker 02

  And me as a sex expert, I had to, you know, take them through what I just took you through today with sexual profiles, help them figure out, are they sexually compatible? If they're not, like what can they do? I give them homework, like sex homework, um, for them to do.

• 3:19:04Shawn Ryan?

  What kind of homework?

• 3:19:07Speaker 02

  You have to watch to find out.

• 3:19:08Shawn Ryan?

  All right.

• 3:19:09Speaker 02

  It's like, you know, you have, you gotta go back and do X, Y, Z, like it's things I've never done before. So, and they like film it, not entirely, just part of it.

• 3:19:19Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 3:19:20Speaker 02

  So, it's, it's interesting. So, you can watch and see how people try these different sexual activities and how, how those activities help those relationships and how it can help you.

• 3:19:31Shawn Ryan?

  Sounds interesting. I can't wait to see it.

• 3:19:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's interesting.

• 3:19:36Shawn Ryan?

  All right, last thing. You ready?

• 3:19:38Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 3:19:38Shawn Ryan?

  This is the hot question.

• 3:19:40Speaker 02

  Oh, wow. Can I have a gummy bear first?

• 3:19:42Shawn Ryan?

  You can have a gummy bear first.

• 3:19:47Shawn Ryan?

  So are you familiar with Claude?

• 3:19:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:19:49Shawn Ryan?

  Antropic, cool. So we had Claude do a scrape of the internet to come up with the most viral question.

• 3:19:56Speaker 02

  Hmm. Is this a rapid round?

• 3:19:59Shawn Ryan?

  No, just a couple of questions here. Dr. Tara, you're a tenured professor of sexual and relational communication. You teach Zen Z, Gen Z about this every day. There's a real crisis happening right now. Young men are not dating, aren't having sex, the loneliness epidemic is real, marriage rates are at historic lows. From your research and what you're seeing in your classroom, what is actually going wrong between men and women in 2026? And is there a way back?

• 3:20:33Speaker 02

  I'm gonna start with the positive. There is a way back. And it's attitudinal and behavioral change.

• 3:20:42Speaker 02

  It will take time.

• 3:20:45Speaker 02

  But that is what's going on. A lot of it is from the internet. A lot of it is from the internet and social media. There's a lot of fake information and really negatively controversial information on social media. The kind of information that divide people and not unite people, particularly young men and women.

• 3:21:08Speaker 02

  If boys and girls can't come to terms with understanding each other and show compassion and empathy for each other, then they can't be together or come together.

• 3:21:18Speaker 02

  Pun intended.

• 3:21:19Shawn Ryan?

  See what you did there.

• 3:21:20Speaker 02

  Can't come together. So I think teaching Gen Z's critical thinking and digital literacy, these are two things that are very, very important. Because they need to be able to distinguish like real information from fake information and then good information from information that was created to cause trouble.

• 3:21:46Speaker 02

  So those two skills, I think, are extremely important. And then interpersonal communication skill is extremely important. And these are the things we teach in college. I mean, I have a colleague that teaches a class called digital literacy. And that class helps kids a lot, understanding like fake news, real news, like how to like this is AI photo. This is real photo. They teach about how like, you know, all influencers post like edited photos, like no, girls don't look like this. Their skin does not look like this, right? Like, because all of these things affect self-esteem and all of that affects everything. So, yeah, I think with these skills, hopefully, um, young people can find their way to each other.

• 3:22:31Speaker 02

  And of course, you know, the big P word, porn.

• 3:22:35Shawn Ryan?

  There's a follow up, and that's what it has to do with.

• 3:22:37Speaker 02

  The big P word?

• 3:22:38Shawn Ryan?

  Yep. OnlyFans is now a multi-billion dollar industry. Pornhub gets more traffic than Netflix and Amazon combined. As a sex pos- as a sex positive expert who actually studies this for a living, what is OnlyFans and porn doing to an entire generation right now? And is this going to be looked at? Is this going to be looked back on as one of the most damaging cultural shifts in history?

• 3:23:07Speaker 02

  Oh, that's a big question.

• 3:23:12Speaker 02

  The answer is not as simple. The answer is, is it mindful or mindless consumption?

• 3:23:20Speaker 02

  If it's mindless consumption, it is extremely damaging and detrimental. And it will have a negative impact for a long time. If it's mindful consumption, which, let's talk about what that looks like. If you use porn, like, let's see, once a month to um, find new inspiration, new positions, new acts to try with a partner, or maybe you watch it together. There are studies that show that couples that watch porn together mindfully to inspire them into like arousal or exploration. It's great for the relationship. So mindful consumption is fine.

• 3:24:03Speaker 02

  You can watch ethical porn. Have you heard of ethical porn?

• 3:24:06Shawn Ryan?

  No.

• 3:24:07Speaker 02

  So there's mainstream porn, which historically speaking, there's like a gatekeeper, like these producers, directors, they abuse their performers. The performers get paid very minimal. They have to fake it. Sometimes they hate the person that they have to have sex with. A lot of things are fake in this scene. It's made unethically. Ethical porn is a movement. There are companies that are women-owned, people that are, that really care about sex education, that make erotic films. That involve real life, that involve what the enactment of real-life interactions, right?

• 3:24:51Speaker 02

  Some awkwardness, some laughs, you know, two people that have good chemistry really enjoy having sex with each other. They all get paid fairly. They all get treated respectfully on set. And there's transparency of how they're made. There's a discussion before and after, how they take care of themselves. They talk about how they get tested, all of those things. So that's ethical porn. So let's say you consume that once every two weeks to find arousal or inspiration to try new things, or you consume it with your partner as a new thing to spice it up. I don't see there's any problem with that. I think it's just a tool, is how you use it. So that's mindful consumption.

• 3:25:35Speaker 02

  Mindless consumption is what most people are doing right now. Is they go on every single day or every single time they masturbate. They click and click and click and click and they stay on it forever and get these dopamine hits every time they click to see a new woman on the screen.

• 3:25:53Speaker 02

  And these dopamine hits, they're so addictive. Just like social media. That's why people love scrolling, because it's new thing, new thing, new thing, new thing. Dopamine, dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. Ah, I feel great, rewarded all the time.

• 3:26:06Speaker 02

  Porn is the same. So new video, new video, new girl, new girl, doing crazy things sexually. Wow. Then you become so addicted to it. You become reliant on it. You cannot live a sexually fulfilling life without it. That's mindless consumption and that's a problem and that's detrimental.

• 3:26:29Speaker 02

  So there is a difference.

• 3:26:31Shawn Ryan?

  Makes a lot of sense.

• 3:26:32Speaker 02

  Between people who use the two.

• 3:26:33Shawn Ryan?

  Makes a lot of sense.

• 3:26:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, I would say like if my husband and I wanna like pop on porn on our big screen TV sometimes to spice it up to like add that atmosphere. It does nothing to my sexual self-esteem or how much I initiate sex with my partner or how much he enjoys sex with me.

• 3:26:53Speaker 02

  Doesn't affect us at all. But yeah, I would say realistically, most people are mindlessly consuming and that's the problem.

• 3:27:00Shawn Ryan?

  Okay.

• 3:27:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:27:01Shawn Ryan?

  Thank you.

• 3:27:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:27:03Shawn Ryan?

  Well, Doc, I appreciate you coming.

• 3:27:06Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 3:27:07Shawn Ryan?

  And I hope to see you again.

• 3:27:09Speaker 02

  Was that an orgasmic time?

• 3:27:12Shawn Ryan?

  It was an orgasmic time. Thank you so much.

• 3:27:14Speaker 02

  Thank you, Sean.

• 3:27:16Shawn Ryan?

  Oh, my pleasure. Best of luck to you.

• 3:27:18Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 3:27:32Shawn Ryan?

  No matter where you're watching The Sean Ryan Show from, if you get anything out of this at all, anything, please like, comment, and subscribe. And most importantly, share this everywhere you possibly can. And if you're feeling extra generous, head to Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review.