Parenting Your Parents

This week, Alex unpacks what it means to start parenting your own parents. From taking on travel plans, technology, and doctor’s appointments to navigating role reversal and anticipatory grief, she explores the emotional reality of watching your parents age. She opens up about the guilt, frustration, and growing responsibility that can come with this shift, and what it feels like to still need your parents as you become an adult. Finally, Alex dives into romanticizing your love life, and why it might actually be okay to write a letter to your ex-situationship. Enjoy!

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Southern New Hampshire University. Daddy gang, let's get real, okay? We like to make our own rules. Southern New Hampshire University gets it. They let you learn what you want with over 200 career-focused programs, where you want with 100% online courses, and how you want with no set class times. Basically, you get to call the shots from day one. Visit SNHU.edu/callherdaddy to learn more. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches,

• 0:45Alex Cooper?

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• 1:30Alex Cooper?

  or the Scrub and Wipe for a scrubbing side and a sud-sing side. All three look good, scrub great, and they come with handy drain and dry sands that are super compact and cute. Hook yourself up, boost it with Bright. Shop now. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Uber. Uber just introduced a new feature called Women Preferences, which lets women riders request a woman driver directly in the app. It's honestly an amazing feature that gives women more control over their rides. Sometimes we all just want a ride that feels a little more comfortable and chill. So if you haven't used it yet, Uber's new Women Preferences feature is available now in the Uber app. Learn more on the Uber app. Daddy gang, welcome back to another Sunday session.

• 2:14Alex Cooper?

  I feel like it's kind of been a while since we've been here and just chatted together. And so I'm really excited to Have this space today because there is something that my friends and I have been talking about a lot lately that I wanted to just kind of like open up and share with you guys because I'm assuming it is applicable to all of your lives as well. So I had a few girlfriends over last week for a little wine night and one of my close friends had just gotten back from a week-long vacation with her family. So we were excited to hear her stories and have her just tell us all about it. But instead of, you know, coming back relaxed, beautiful,

• 2:57Alex Cooper?

  well-rested, excited to share the details, she was so absolutely exhausted. And as she started telling us about what happened and why she was emotionally drained from the trip, all of us just began like aggressively nodding along to her story, being like, absolutely, yep, we understand, we have been there, we understand, we've all gone through this. So basically, my friend on this vacation had gone through her first experience of having to be the parent to her own parents. And listen, back when you were a kid traveling with your parents, obviously, your brain could probably just go onto autopilot, right?

• 3:42Alex Cooper?

  Like, maybe your dad had the boarding passes, your mom had all the snacks planned, it was just you and your Harry Potter book against the world, and you didn't have to worry about a goddamn thing. You could literally go through the airport blindfolded and like, you wouldn't, you would get there, you would get there, you don't even know how you got there, but you got there because your parents led you there. But now, maybe you get to the airport and your dad can't understand how the self-service baggage tagging ticket situation works, right? So then you end up taking over, it's all right, Dad, I got this one. And then your mom can't figure out how to download the airplane app on her phone, so you're like, no, no, I got it, don't worry, Mom, like, we got it. And then maybe you land, right? You're in a new

• 4:24Alex Cooper?

  city and the process of finding the Uber pickup location is basically impossible for them. So then you're like, don't worry, guys, I will lead you to the promised land, I got this. And then from there, figuring out the hotel logistics, or the car rental, or the dinner reservations, or the trip itinerary, like, it basically just starts to fall all on you because you're just quicker and more capable than your parents. So now, you're on this vacation, looking around of like, what is going on? And maybe you're starting to think to yourself, how the fuck did my parents ever do all of this on their own? Like, not only that, how did they do this all when they also had young children to navigate? Like, how am I alive? How am I breathing to this day?

• 5:09Alex Cooper?

  And I don't want to sound dramatic, but like, I get like, technology at the airport and on trips. I understand it has changed a lot and it can be super confusing and overwhelming for anyone. But my friends and I came to the conclusion that it's not really about that. Because like, at some point, there was a different form of technology at the airport that they also had to figure out, right? Like, it's about the fact that now, in certain settings, our parents, they just fully rely on us and it's not the other way around anymore.

• 6:00Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. Okay, I am well into my third trimester now, so I haven't really been able to travel because I need to stay close to my doctor. But spending all this time at home has made me start thinking about all the places that I want to go once the baby is here. I have literally been sitting on my couch with the TV on, scrolling through Airbnb and planning trips. I am nowhere ready to take yet, but suddenly my vacation priorities, I will say, are completely different. Like, does the house have enough bedrooms? Is there a big kitchen? Does the furniture look baby safe? Or is every table covered in, you know, sharp corners? And obviously, we need an extra room for my mom,

• 6:43Alex Cooper?

  who has already made it very clear that she will not be leaving my side. She's like, I got you, I'm the babysitter, okay? And now that it is October. I'm picturing cooler weather, cozy sweaters. Oh my God, maybe a little cottage where we can escape for a little weekend. That's what I love about booking a home on Airbnb. Whether you're traveling with family, friends, or your partner, everyone has space to relax while still being together. Even if you're traveling for a concert or a game, you have one place where everyone can get together and convene after. Before the holiday season gets busy, treat yourself to one more fall getaway and check out Airbnb while you're planning it. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by My Mochi.

• 7:26Alex Cooper?

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• 8:11Alex Cooper?

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• 8:55Alex Cooper?

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• 9:39Alex Cooper?

  Look, when we're kids, our parents exist in this larger-than-life role in our lives, right? They're the people who just like know how to fix everything. They know where we're supposed to be and when we're supposed to be there. And they calm us down when we're upset and they make our big wins and our big moments feel really special. And they're they're just like essentially the ones holding up the entire structure of our lives, right? They keep everything together. And because of that, and because that dynamic is so like just natural and almost unspoken, I guess, growing up, I don't think

• 10:21Alex Cooper?

  we ever stop to consider the fact that our parents are not actually these static ever-solid figures. Like, it's a crazy concept, I know, guys, but like, our parents are human beings. They are changing, evolving, aging, learning new things, or struggling through other things, right? Like, all while we are focusing on our own growth. And I think like, this concept,

• 10:53Alex Cooper?

  when I say that, it can be slightly uncomfortable, at least for me, to think about my parents as being these like deeply complex people and like constantly moving forward in their own lives. Because in my head, like, I'm like, no, no, no, they're just mom and dad. Like, they've just been mom and dad. And it's like, no. Like, they are, they were, they were babies at one point. They were children at one point. They got fucked up from their parents at some point, too. They went to, whether it was high school or college, and fell in love multiple times. Like, they've lived the same similar lives or different lives than us, but they've done all the feelings and things that we've done. And I think it's hard to engage with the thoughts of like, oh, my God, my parents inevitably...

• 11:35Alex Cooper?

  Are not just my parents, they're also individuals who aren't going to be here forever. They may not be here one day. And so as my friend was talking,

• 11:47Alex Cooper?

  I actually could just totally to relate to like what she was going through with her parents, because I had actually really struggled through a very similar situation with my own. This happened a couple of years back, and I think I kind of podcasted about this a little bit at one point, but over Christmas, I was like really looking forward to the time off with my family and getting a break from life. And I was also just very used to the holidays, just being handled by my parents, which was something I appreciated more and more as my adult life got busier, right? I would, whether it was I come, come home from college or whether I came back from the city, like I would just go home and they'd have the tree decorated. They'd have all of my childhood things in the room. I'm like, oh, my God, they kept everything. The meals are prepared. They have the gifts wrapped.

• 12:31Alex Cooper?

  Like, it was all just ready. And so my siblings and I could just pop in and enjoy the holidays. And it was like a prerequisite, like you're like, of course, my parents will have all of this ready. But that year, we decided we weren't going to go home to Pennsylvania for Christmas. And somehow that turned into all of the holiday planning, like kind of falling on me. And now also in hindsight, again, like, did it fall on me? Or did I put it on myself because I felt like they weren't like in the same headspace anymore to put it together? I don't know. But I was the one finding us a house, finding our flights, booking our cars, planning the meals, doing the grocery shopping, making a schedule. And while I was capable, of course, of handling it, I was also extremely overwhelmed.

• 13:13Alex Cooper?

  And I felt like not once during that holiday was I ever able to fully relax or enjoy the time with my parents, the way that I used to. And it really ended up getting to me. And I started thinking back to how when I was a kid, I maybe took for granted the way that my parents had just had everything handled. And yeah, I guess that's what parents are supposed to do. But like, whether it was from soccer practice to homework, to school lunches, to scheduling, I always had this.

• 13:42Alex Cooper?

  Layer of stability beneath me where I didn't have to think about everything all at once because there was someone who loved me that was just taking care of it. And that is, I would just also want to acknowledge, like, of course, that is not the case for everyone. So I do want to just super quick disclaimer here that I can only speak, obviously, from my relationship with my parents and what I was able to experience growing up. I'm so fortunate that I had the experience I did. If you grew up with an unstable family dynamic or abuse or trauma, a lot of what I'm unpacking today may not relate to you in the same way, which I completely understand.

• 14:24Alex Cooper?

  But I do want to use today to talk about how foundationally destabilizing it can be to realize that your parents now need you more than you need them is basically what I'm trying to say, like, what the fuck? For me, confronting that over, I remember that Christmas holiday specifically, it felt like I was going through this massive identity shift because I, I wanted my parents to still be my parents. And I also knew I was probably the more capable one and I didn't know how I felt about it and I didn't feel like I could talk to them about it. So then I just started handling things and then I was like kind of resentful, but then I was also like, they've done this my whole life, like I should step up, right? And I just remember on that trip, I became really hyper fixated on the way everything was changing, like change was so uncomfortable, right?

• 15:09Alex Cooper?

  Like, you're just like, what is happening? Your reality, all of a sudden, it just feels like it completely shifts and all these little moments were making me extremely emotional, which is why I then like booked a therapy appointment immediately upon returning home because I was like, I need to tell my therapist, like, something is changing and I need help. But it was one of the most existential therapy sessions I think I've had for like a really long time because for better or for worse, my therapist told me that I was not catastrophizing any of this. She was like, from birth to death, our lives as humans revolve around dependence, independence, and interdependence. When we're born, we're completely dependent on our parents for regulation, safety, and structure.

• 15:51Alex Cooper?

  Job is essentially to just help us grow into independence while still maintaining our familial connection, right? So if we have a secure attachment to our parents, then we naturally internalize the feeling that something solid exists above us. And that solidity becomes just like a part of your nervous system. You don't even question it. It's just been there since a very young age, right? And so then when aging begins to slowly chip away at this stability, it's actually an indication that a foundational shift is happening. The relationship is now interdependent on a much deeper level. I was like, okay, therapist, let me write this

• 16:34Alex Cooper?

  down because hold on, say that one more time. I'm gonna really need to, I'm gonna also need to tell this to the daddying. Um, so I pulled my notes back up for this episode and I was like, what did she say to me again? Um, but for me, that meant that I was now becoming the top layer of reliability in our family structure. And I was like, wait, I don't know if I want this yet. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Like, how did this happen? And so if you think about it, that shift might be, it may, it may be great in some ways, right? Like, I think there is something great about stepping into a larger role in your family. It means that you are now fully capable of taking care of things. It means that my parents successfully did their

• 17:18Alex Cooper?

  job, right? I am now able to provide and protect and do all the things, but it also means a lot more responsibility was coming my way that I don't think anyone really warns you about. There's not this like literal pass of the torch. It's like, all right, sweet. Like, that doesn't happen. It's just like this unsaid thing that just slowly shifts. And so

• 17:43Alex Cooper?

  You think about it and you're like, okay, you now need to be the one to make sure that they're going to their doctor appointments. And maybe it's not today, but like it's coming where like you're going to be the one that has to be on top of their healthcare. You need to be the one to fully set up the wifi or their phones or their TVs or their iPads or like whatever devices it is that they're overwhelmed by, right? You need to call them to check in on them because all of their friends, you know, maybe they moved to Florida and so then they haven't had any human interaction in like three days. And you're like, you guys good? Like I know some people watching, maybe you only have one parent, right? And that person you're like constantly worried about, worried about, worried about. And you, and you probably sit with yourself and you're like, when did I start to be so worried about this person?

• 18:27Alex Cooper?

  Because when did the roles shift? They always were just worried about me and I was frolicking along and I was like, you know, drinking at some club and waking up in a random man's fucking basement in Brooklyn being like, hey! And my mom was probably so worried and I wasn't even thinking about my mom at that point, right? I was just hoping I had an orgasm. Like you're not even thinking about your parents. And then all of a sudden, one day you're more stressed about their safety, their wellbeing, their health. And you're like, when did I know even that my parents went to the doctor? Like, I didn't know my parents went to the, like, ah, I hate this. To realize that there are like no longer built in structures for your life. There are only the structures that you choose to invest in moving forward, that so much

• 19:10Alex Cooper?

  of that stability when you were younger and that comfort and that like, it also just can exist. Your, your parents can't protect you in that way anymore, right? Like they can't walk you into your job every day and make sure that everyone's being nice to you. Like when you were young and in kindergarten, they're like, let's have a after school conference with the parents and come together because your kid was bullying mine. They don't do that anymore. It's on you now. And again, that is the whole point of life that they got you to the point where you can then advocate for yourself, but it fucking sucks because I still want my mom to make my doctor's appointments. I know that I want to be independent and I don't want to want my mommy or my daddy, but also I want them. You know, it's just, it's a little fucking mindfuck.

• 19:52Alex Cooper?

  And I remember, according to my therapist, this is very common for people in their early 30s to mid 40s to be facing. As we just like reach a state of full independence, our parents begin to exit their state of full independence. It's like, it's basically like two escalators moving in completely opposite directions. You're like, bye mom and dad. And they're like, bye sweetie. And you're like, okay, we're basically swapping positions. And so as aging begins to impact our parents'

• 20:23Alex Cooper?

  physical health and their energy and their cognition, like they step onto the escalator moving downward. Oh my God, that like is making me almost sad and want to cry. And then, because like, it's so fucking sad that like, that's the whole thing of life. And now they're getting older. And I think this often happens right when you are in one of the busiest, most generative phases of your own life, right? You're building a career, you're managing relationships, maybe you're raising kids, which obviously makes, I think, the emotional collision just so much harder when you're like on this high and then your parents are shifting so much. And you're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, stop. What are you doing? Why? Wait, no, I don't, I don't like this.

• 21:07Alex Cooper?

  And I think sometimes this change can be incredibly pronounced, right? Like maybe a sudden accident or a life shift happens and it alters your family's circumstances. But I think more often, like, there really is no clear moment when the dynamic formally changes from what I was talking about with my friends. Like, none of us had that big, like, this happened, so then this happened. It was just kind of like, when did this happen? Like, I can't really pinpoint it. Like, you're just slowly realizing that you're existing in a different place in your family than you used to be. And your nervous system is trying to reconcile what the actual F is happening. So for me, when I was navigating this, and

• 21:50Alex Cooper?

  I'm kind of embarrassed to admit it, but I think my nervous system processed these just changes with like, feelings of...

• 22:01Alex Cooper?

  Intense frustration. I found myself more frustrated and annoyed than ever with my parents as I saw them aging. And I know this was coming from my inner child, just wanting to be that little kid again and wanting things to go back to the way that they used to be. But instead of sitting with that sadness ultimately and allowing it to just cycle through, I just got irrationally irritated. And I know that probably sounds terrible because it's like not their fault, but I think it was like when I was having a super hard day at work and I'm like juggling my job and my relationship and my friendships and all the stress in my life,

• 22:43Alex Cooper?

  it would piss me off if my dad was calling me like asking me for help on something that like he used to be able to like maybe figure out on his own. And it just felt unnatural. And meanwhile, now I look back and I'm like, oh, my God, like, no, that's actually so beautiful that my dad has helped me get to every place I have gotten in life. And the fact that he's I he's never had to ask me for anything. Like my dad, when I'm growing up, like, he never asked me, like, can you help me? Like, I don't like never. And so the fact that he is now able to ask me for help because I am a capable human being, that should be something that I can look at as a positive, but it was just too scary to me. So I was like, this is annoying. And it's like,

• 23:27Alex Cooper?

  it's not annoying. It's like a beautiful progression of me being an independent individual that now can actually support my father. And I used to not be able to do that. And how great that I can now. But at the time, I was like, Dad, can't you just Google it? And it's like, no, be there for him. And I think it's also just because like, I felt like there was already so much on my plate. And I just wanted to be their kid. That's where I was still in my head. Like, I just want to be your kid again. And I, that's what I want. But that's just not the case, right? And so I remember this was like, two years ago, I would be like snippy and I would take it out on my dad or my mom, because all the things in my life stressed me out. And what I really wasn't getting underneath is like,

• 24:08Alex Cooper?

  It's not that he's calling me and asking me for help. It was freaking me out that he was calling me and asking me for help because that had never happened before. And I also, by the way, would then like immediately like this is this guilt then started to like really get underneath me. And that was like a huge therapy session I had with my therapist where I was like, I don't like this. I'm feeling guilty. Why am I speaking to my parents this way? Like they gave up their whole lives for me, dedicated 31 years of raising me. And I can't take five minutes to explain something like what the fuck is wrong with me? And it's this whiplash from guilt to frustration to sadness. And where it led for me was just then I remember going into like pure avoidance. I didn't want to deal with it.

• 24:53Alex Cooper?

  I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted my parents to stay constant and I wanted them to stay the same. And again, that is not reality. And that is why I went to therapy and my therapist is like, let's talk this through.

• 25:21Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Southern New Hampshire University. Daddy gang, let's get real. Okay. We like to make our own rules. Southern New Hampshire University gets it. They let you learn what you want with over 200 career focused programs, where you want with a hundred percent online courses and how you want with no set class times. Basically you get to call the shots from day one. Visit s n h u dot edu slash call her daddy to learn more. This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. So anytime that I am finding myself having a habit that I just cannot kick, I'm like, okay, I need to talk about this in therapy. Listen guys, everyone has habits, mindsets, or patterns that don't serve them.

• 26:03Alex Cooper?

  But recognizing what they are and learning how to let them go can be so important. It's literally the first step towards creating meaningful change. And therapy with BetterHelp, one of the leading online therapy platforms, can be a space to explore where those patterns come from and develop healthier habits and mindsets for a more fulfilling life. With over 30,000 therapists worldwide, BetterHelp has served millions of people globally. BetterHelp makes it easier to fit therapy into your routine with flexible ways to connect that work for different schedules and lifestyles. Plus, BetterHelp therapists have at least three years and 1,000 hours on hand experience and hold all required education, training, and certifications.

• 26:45Alex Cooper?

  You can meet with a range of professionals from marriage and family therapists to social workers and counselors. So Daddy Gang, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/daddy. That's betterh-e-l-p.com/daddy. I remember my therapist was like, "All of this whiplash and frustration stems from something." That she, I remember she called it anticipatory grief, which I was like, "I don't like that. I don't like that. What's that? I don't like that at all." It's basically grieving someone before they're even gone, simply because there is so much

• 27:27Alex Cooper?

  internal stress and anxiety around losing them that is just taking up your mental load.

• 27:34Alex Cooper?

  Which I was like, "Okay, that's enough for this session." I was like, "And time." And she's like, "We're only 15 minutes in." I was like, "Okay, I'm fucked." Like, I think that anxiety, that's really what was coming up for me constantly. And I can't speak for any of you going through this, but when I reflect like on this big kind of inflection point I went through two years ago, we would be sitting around at a normal dinner and I would suddenly get this deep, guttural...

• 28:02Alex Cooper?

  Sadness realizing that this version of my parents was finite and one day they wouldn't be here at dinner with me and it's these small moments that your brain can take and then just spiral into like what's gonna happen when they're gone like is this the last time that we're ever gonna you know have these type of holidays together or how much longer do we have like will I ever you know like I hope my mom and my father around for like all of my kids when I have kids one day right like I would just get so overwhelmed and my mind would then start racing ahead to these scenarios that hadn't happened and probably wouldn't happen for a really long time but this anxiety is just like my

• 28:46Alex Cooper?

  brains attempt to control what it can't actually control and there is nothing more out of our control than our parents inevitable aging and so luckily my therapist didn't just let me end the therapy session there I remember I was like bye she's like sit down I'm like this is why I pay the big bucks um my therapist shared that there was a way to gain some agency over this spiral and I think you all know what I'm gonna say maybe not um it's kind of like a therapist's answer to every single problem you ever had um and it's really fucking hard to do but the answer always is you need to have a conversation with your parents where

• 29:30Alex Cooper?

  you all acknowledge what is happening and talk about moving forward and daddy gang as much as it sucks to sit down with your parents and talk about the ways that they are aging and so awkward and also like uncomfortable because you're like wait a second although I do kind of feel like the parent in this dynamic to acknowledge it to my parents face how is that gonna work because like even though it feels this way I don't want to acknowledge it's so it's so awkward but it is so important to do it before I think life forces you and trust me it actually does help to have these conversations because so much of what you're feeling

• 30:14Alex Cooper?

  You're then able to kind of like get a handle on the situation when you open it up to all of you. So you can be like, this is what's going on, guys. It doesn't also, it doesn't need to be some dramatic sit down of like, we need to talk about how you're getting old. Like, sit down, dad. And you're like, what the fuck? Like, okay, thanks. Like, no, it shouldn't be so, so intense. Because if you come in hot about how your parents aren't as young and as capable and as with it, like, they're just gonna feel like shit or get defensive and be like, what are you talking about? These are grown adults who raised you and have been nothing but capable of taking care of you their entire lives. It is going to be uncomfortable for you all to address the shift, but it's needed.

• 30:55Alex Cooper?

  And so instead, my approach was to just start the conversation from my own viewpoint of like, hey, I have been thinking a lot about my future, your guys' future, and I just want to like, talk about how you guys factor into it. Have you guys thought about retirement? And what's that gonna look like long term? Like, do you guys have, whether it's a will? Or do you, what do you have planned for the next X amount of years? And what do you need help with in this next phase of life? I think it's just helpful to really keep in, like, keep it focused on how you can be there to best support them as they look ahead at their own futures. And just emphasize that you're here to make this time feel easier and more comfortable for them.

• 31:40Alex Cooper?

  And obviously, if they're in denial about the fact that things are starting to change, that's when you can start to mention some just like tangible examples of like, well, you know, like, I did notice, like, you forgot that appointment last week, dad. Or like, you know, I see the lawn hasn't been wowed in a while. Like, could we find someone to help come and handle that? Like, basically gentle reminders of changes that don't feel too daunting. Like, that's a good place to start, I would say, the conversation. It also may help if you have siblings to call them, um, or your partner or friends, search for just reinforcement. But like, when you get to, I just remember sitting down with my parents, being like, guys, we all feel this shift in, like, the matriarch and the patriarch of the family, and it's all changing.

• 32:23Alex Cooper?

  And siblings are now becoming the ones and the parents are not as like, let's just fucking talk about it. And it took many conversations. Like, it wasn't just one and done. It was a lot. Like, so much of this conversation is, is just like, first of all, the way you approach it. Like, again, not having it be too heavy. Remember, you're not stepping in and taking over their lives. Like, We've got to put you on a conservatorship now. You're like, what? Like, that's really not happening. They still have authority and autonomy over their lives, but you're just showing them that you want to support them and they don't need to hide their struggles. But you also want to put it out in the open that the dynamic is shifting, that maybe you would never talk about their finances or their living situation or their future plans in the past when you're in college or high school.

• 33:08Alex Cooper?

  But now you probably need to know these things because God forbid something happens to one of the other parents and you, whatever it is, you need to be there to support them to some capacity. Again, everyone's situation is different, but I think that emotional support of like, I'm here, you can talk to me is important. Because honestly, of course, our parents want to protect us. They want to shield us from all the shitty things in life, including their own problems. They haven't stopped being parents. It may feel that way to some of us, but they haven't. But it's now on us to open the door and say, hey, we don't need to avoid this. Let's move forward in a way that we all feel good about. And so I guess the point of this is like, at the end of the day,

• 33:51Alex Cooper?

  parenting your parents is actually a sign of really amazing reciprocity in one of the most important relationships that you will have in your lifetime. The role reversal is painful to confront in the beginning, I think. But once you do acknowledge it, it really does make it helpful to mitigate some of the frustration that's probably been felt on both sides, right? Like, being open about this, I personally think can help you give back some of those moments where you do just want to be a kid again, which on my end has been really nice. I would say, once I was able to have this conversation about my parents of just like,

• 34:34Alex Cooper?

  I'm stressing out, you guys are getting older, the dynamic is shifting. I feel like I need to take on more responsibility, blah, blah, blah. Once we got through that, it's almost like we needed to just put it out in the open that the dynamic had changed. And then since then, what's so ironic is I now have kind of felt like I'm able to be a kid again with my parents because I now am so.

• 35:00Alex Cooper?

  Excited to lean into the emotional aspect of our relationship. I feel like so much of growing up is logistics and your environment and protecting. How did I end up going to soccer all the time or whatever? And it's just like these things that I talked about at the beginning of this, like that were these unsaid, obvious things that my parents just provided. Now, I think in this later half of their life, what I'm now tapping into is the complete opposite of what my childhood really was. Now I'm able to way more have the ability to front load on just the emotional dynamic with my parents. I go over to my parents' house and I just talk to them about how I'm feeling and what I'm going through.

• 35:44Alex Cooper?

  And that's all, that's it, right? Now that I'm kind of more in the supportive role on logistics and we've all put that out there and acknowledged that, it's been so beautiful to realign and being like, now I just want to have my mom and dad there for that emotional side, which has been really, really beautiful. I don't know, it's a weird turning point. And I think in terms of how you're gonna show up for your parents going forward, like the range of things they're going to need help with is so wide. Every single person listening to this, your situation's gonna be different. Maybe it's handling their taxes for them or finding a way to financially figure out,

• 36:26Alex Cooper?

  you know, whether it's a house cleaner for them, maybe it's helping them get doctor's appointments, or maybe it's just fully organizing an assisted living situation, or you going over a couple times a month and helping organize their house for them or clean it, like whatever it is, like it's gonna fluctuate as time goes on. It's gonna fluctuate, given, you know, your financial situation, your proximity to your parents. Like, there's so many dynamics. So the last thing that my therapist reminded me of is that you still need to protect your own mental health first. Navigating the final chapters of someone's life alongside them is extremely mentally taxing, and it's even more painful when it's someone you're so close to.

• 37:11Alex Cooper?

  When it's our parents, we can feel selfish or... I don't know, even shameful to not give them a hundred percent of every part of our time and energy because we feel like they did that for us growing up. And we might feel guilty that we're not able to be there for them around the clock. But in reality, this transitional time is only going to be healthy and good for everyone. If you're also protecting your emotional bandwidth. So maybe that means dividing the labor more equally between you and your siblings. Maybe that means looking into a caregiver. Maybe it's small and simple as like only talking on the phone when you're able to call them. Not the other way around that they call you all the time. Like whatever it is, you're entering the role of being more of a parent to your parents.

• 37:56Alex Cooper?

  But they're not the sole focus of your life and that's okay. You're allowed to put parameters in place to make sure that you don't become a full time caregiver. When you genuinely just don't have the time to. And I also want to acknowledge that the expectations on how to show up for your parents in this time of their lives. It can be really also rooted in culture or your family's background. Right? You might not be in a situation where it's okay to be bringing outside help in. But that doesn't mean you can't still find ways to protect your own mental health. Right? Whether it's with your family or with work or with your friends. You need to try to find some section of your life to set boundaries in, and that goes for everything, not just with your parents.

• 38:40Alex Cooper?

  Right? Cause you can't just, you can't be crashing out being like, I'm giving everything to everyone. And like, I have nothing left. No. In my opinion, setting boundaries really just means you're allowing yourself to be more present during the time that you have with your parents or with your partner, whoever, right? Because yes, there will be a day when you don't get their calls anymore. There will be a last holiday where you orchestrated everything. There will be a last plane ride together. And I don't say that to be dark. I say that because when we allow ourselves to just fully accept it, I think it's really helpful when it comes to actually enjoying the current moment. I don't know what tomorrow or next week or next year with my parents is going to hold.

• 39:22Alex Cooper?

  But I do know now that whatever happens, we're going to communicate through it. And in the meantime, I can continue to show up as their daughter in the day to day. This stage of independence is actually. It's a really sweet spot in your relationship with your parents. You're both giving and you're receiving in different ways. And if you're able to be open about that, then this stage can really just deepen that foundation instead of destabilizing it. But the first step is just acknowledging it. And I know that isn't easy. There are days I still get overwhelmed and I'm scared about what the future holds. But I also know that my parents have equipped me with the tools that I need to handle those changes head on.

• 40:04Alex Cooper?

  So we're all just like sitting being like, okay, there's a lot. There's a lot going on right now. Even if you're 30, 40, 50, 60, 100 years old, you never stop being someone's child. Okay. And I also love it like Daddy Gang, we're all talking about this right now. I don't know if anyone is thinking of having kids. I know I want to have kids like then one day I'm going to be the fucking woman, hopefully knock on wood, I last that long. That's like, can you come help me with my taxes? And my kids are showing up like, that's just the cycle of life. Right? The relationship that you share with your parents, it's so sacred and it's so complicated. And there's so, there's just so much to these dynamics.

• 40:49Alex Cooper?

  And even after they're gone, even after you lose your parents or a parent, whatever it be like, they pass on to us, but when we will pass on to our children one day and so forth, and how we treat our friendships and all of it. So there's so much that's intertwined and it's at the core of who we are is really what our relationship with our parents is and was and is going to continue to be. It's so formative to who we are as individuals. And so to not acknowledge your relationship with your parents and it's changing, like we do this with friendships, we do this with relationships. So we have to do this with our parents too. Your relationship with your parents is not going to be stagnant for the rest of your life as much as we may want it to, as much as we may want them to do our laundry and

• 41:34Alex Cooper?

  to cook us the chicken noodle soup and to cradle us and tell us everything's going to be okay. I mean, they can still do some of that, but like I said, they can't walk you into work every day. And if they are, girl, then you need to, you need to get into therapy. Okay. Cause we need to adjust. Okay. I feel like we should like answer a couple of questions to like really wrap this up and maybe end on a little bit of a brighter, happier note. You ready? Let's do it.

• 42:15Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Southern New Hampshire University. Daddy gang, let's get real, okay? We like to make our own rules. Southern New Hampshire University gets it. They let you learn what you want with over 200 career-focused programs, where you want with 100% online courses, and how you want with no set class times. Basically, you get to call the shots from day one. Visit SNHU.edu/callherdaddy to learn more. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home drawn to timeless neutrals

• 42:59Alex Cooper?

  or bold seasonal touches, Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life. Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20% to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. Okay. Question one. Alex, please help. My ex and I were close friends before we ever dated, and we share a huge mutual friend group at home. Our relationship ended last year mostly because of timing. We were at different colleges and long distance just didn't end up working. It wasn't some explosive breakup. He now plays hockey and is planning to go overseas in the fall. This summer, back in our hometown,

• 43:43Alex Cooper?

  might be the last time I could ever see him. I've accepted that the relationship is over, but there are still things I wish were just different about the whole situation. Here's my question. I want to write him a letter and give it to him this summer before he leaves. We have no contact right now anyway, so part of me thinks, why not? I know it might be dumb, but I don't want to regret never telling him all my true feelings before he goes away. This is some Dear John-type shit, okay? And this also sounds like Alex in college. Oh, my God, I loved a letter. Oh, I loved a letter. I loved a letter, because you know what is more manipulative? It was more for me to know that I was just gonna like ruin him like, oh, he's gonna be so in

• 44:27Alex Cooper?

  love. Like, I needed him, I needed him to just like, just chew on that, like, ooh, chew on that, like linger on that buddy, like, giving a man a letter, it just, and even if he did, like, if he threw it out, in your head, you think like, damn, that's notebook type shit, like, ooh, that has weight. Let me tell you something. First of all, this man isn't dead, and he's not like going away to the army, like, he's going to play hockey overseas. So, when you're worried you're never gonna see this man again, he's probably gonna get cut, right? He's probably gonna get cut, he's gonna get homesick, he's gonna come home. Also, there's Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, DMs, what, you, like, FaceTime, you just FaceTime him. Like, you don't act like this is like, we're done, we're done, we're done. If, like, you could contact him immediately, you

• 45:11Alex Cooper?

  could call him right now, but I get it, you're like, you're almost convincing yourself like, this is it. Like, him leaving the country is like the sign that like, it's over. So, let it be over, right? Instead of like, then writing this letter, because what is the point of the letter? You telling him your feelings, you're no contact right now. It didn't work when you were long distance in the same country. It's definitely not gonna work now that he's out of the country. My fear is that you are romanticizing this thing, and him leaving, you're convincing yourself that, what? If you write this letter, just write it to yourself, and then don't give it to him. If you give it to him, what do you want out of it? Will it hurt more if you give him this letter, and then he doesn't contact you after? You're like, Dear John,

• 45:58Alex Cooper?

  every time I see a rose, I think of you. Every time I walk through the streets at night with the twinkling stars, I think of you. Every time I have a brisk brew in the morning, I think of you. Every time I smell peppermint, it reminds me of that Christmas we sent unto the stars. Like, you're gonna, you're, and then he doesn't respond, you're gonna be like, huh, huh? Like, what are you, you know? So, I think, a lot of this, like, a lot of times, I think, us as girlies, we want to, we wanna get in there, we wanna get underneath it, we wanna, we wanna get validated that he did love us, that he did care. He's gone. You know, and if he cared, he would be, he would be letting you know that he cared. And so my fear for you is you're just gonna get more hurt by writing this really, really,

• 46:42Alex Cooper?

  really intense letter that is just gonna leave you brokenhearted. Now, am I being a hypocrite because I was someone who would write letters? Yes, yes, yes. So let's talk about the letter, because you're gonna write the letter even if I tell you not to write the letter, because even if I was back in college and I was listening to Call Her Daddy, I would have written the letter. Do you know what I mean? So I think what the letter needs to say, now that we've gone all the way backwards on what I just told you to not do, now let's just write the letter, right? I think what you need to do is recognize, what do you want out of this, right? Do you want him? How about this? He's in a different country. He thinks, oh, I'm gonna get so much pussy, but it's not gonna feel the same as home. I mean, it doesn't feel like that homegrown pussy.

• 47:26Alex Cooper?

  So you gotta remind him, like, I'm here, and, and, and I don't even really think that we're meant to be, but before you go, this is more for me. And you almost need to make it like, go, go, go, go, John. Like, of course, we're not together, but like, this is closure for myself. So almost he gets on that Delta flight, and he's like, oh, fuck. And then you almost make him stick to his stomach that he's on that flight and that he's leaving. So every time he does, like, hook up with the new girl, he's like, ooh, but he keeps it in his bedside drawer, because he's like, ooh, it makes me feel cozy. It makes, she's, she's, I'm homesick for her. You need to make him kind of pine over you, but you need to let him know that you're not pining over him. So make sure that the letter is not like, if only we could have worked out.

• 48:10Alex Cooper?

  It's more like, hit him with all the fucking good ass times and boom, boom, bam, bam, maybe throw in a nude there and be like, oops, didn't mean to put that in there. But then you're kind of like, I'm moving forward. And I think in a great way, like you going to another country, like, this is such a good restart for both of us, and I just had to say this so I could fully move forward and like, start dating with like, no, you know, weight on my chest, like, bye, John, like, hope you score a few goals. And then he's gonna be like, but... But Cassidy, I wanna be deep in that puss. And you're like, oh, well, you better come back if you want this. And then it will just reignite. You know what I mean? Oh, it was so fun to be toxic, but like I have no energy for it anymore. Like, I'm just like too old now. I'm like, oh, God, my back hurts thinking about all the texting I was doing.

• 48:55Alex Cooper?

  Like carpal tunnel, you know what I mean? But the letters I would write to a guy. I don't know if I ever told the story of the time where me and my like super, super, super, super, super toxic ex-boyfriend that I was like madly in love with. Um, I was like forbidden to see him for like so many different reasons. And I wrote him 365 letters and I left it on his doorstep before I left for college. Yeah. Um, hi, Ally from The Notebook. Yeah, me and Rachel McAdams, I could have played the part because I, and let me tell you something, I was in love with that man, but I more did it for myself. Cause I thought this is so romantic. This is so epic.

• 49:40Alex Cooper?

  This is so epic. I bought a box. I put the 365 letters in there. Every day I wrote him a letter. I would actually murder myself if I wrote those letters now. What was I saying? I think I was honestly on Tumblr, like looking up quotes and then there'd be such good Tumblr quotes of like the heartache and the pain of not being able to be with the person you love. Oh, my God, honestly, they probably were slay. Okay, I was like, I was good at writing, but when I think back to that time, I'm like, why was I doing that? I didn't even think he would read any of the letters. I think it was for myself. It was like cathartic. It was so, it was like artsy girl, just like brooding in the corner, like wanting my man back. And you know, I guess I wouldn't take it back. At least, you know what? They always say like, don't put something in writing. I could deny it.

• 50:25Alex Cooper?

  Like, that's not my handwriting. You know what I mean? A text is forever. A letter, huh? You could always, you could always play it off like it was someone else. Oh my, that totally wasn't me. That was someone else. He faked it. So write the letter. Yeah, I guess we're going all the way back to this. The moral of the story is write the letter because it is so, it's so good. It's romantic. It's pathetic. It's everything. And we're alive once and you're gonna look back one day and be like, oh my God, remember when he went overseas? And I wrote him that fucking fuck ass letter? The only thing I would say, actually, last note, and then we actually can move on is you have to take a picture of the letter because when I tell you.

• 51:05Alex Cooper?

  Though this has to be our last question. This is just too good. When I tell you, when I look back, I think to myself of all the letters that I've written men, cuz 365 boy, he wasn't the only one that received a letter from a coop. Okay, actually stabbed me in the face. So cringe. Um, I would say that it is so fun to go back and read your fuck ass letters. When you get older and your frontal lobe just like continues to develop and you just keep getting better. You look back at yourself and you're like, oh my God, sweetie, you were so pathetic. I'm obsessed with you. Or you're like, you were so good. I could never, like, there are parts of myself when I read certain

• 51:45Alex Cooper?

  letters that I wrote. Oh, ah, I was like, that is grade A type shit. I need to give this to someone to put into a movie. I found a box recently of letters that my exes wrote me even fucking better. Oh my God, give him a return address. Put your address on there so he could maybe, what if you guys, oh my God, if he starts writing you letters, you are, oh my God, you're going to have a goldmine. Like I'm telling you as a 31 year old woman who had so many different relationships and a lot of them were just not the healthiest. Lot of them were letter, you know, letter driven. It's so good because now as a stable person, I read them and it's better than reality TV.

• 52:26Alex Cooper?

  I'm like, I can't believe this is real. Like a man sat down, a professional athlete sat down when he was in like Wisconsin for his game that night. And before the game, he sat down pen to paper. It says like the Weston or like whatever fucking like the Marriott and he's like writing down like, Alex, Alex, I got your, I got your letter. I know things have been tense. Being on the road. I wish you were in my bed. Oh my God, you have to write this letter. Even if nothing comes of it, DM me and let's make a TV show out of this.

• 53:08Alex Cooper?

  We know hockey sells, right? Hockey boy leaves the country. You're rendezvousing it up. You're writing letters back and forth. There's like a little tryst and a little, you fly across and you meet him and he's with another woman and then you try to leave, but he pulls out the letter and says, remember when you told me I was the love of your life? And you're like, but you're lying. And then this whole thing, oh my God. And then you say, and you fuck his fucking coach and it's the whole, oh my God, you're still writing the letter. Ah, you're writing the letter. That is such a good way to end this episode. Oh my God, I need to go get my letters and we should read them on this fucking show. I get like five cease and desist. They're like, no. Um, oh,

• 53:49Alex Cooper?

  it's good. Um, all right. Well, that's it for this week's episode. That took a turn. I ca- I almost forgot the fact that this whole episode started on us being like, oh my God, like our parents are dying. This is like really depressing. Like they're on their way out. What are we gonna do? And now I'm like, let's go write a rom com. Dear John, things can change in an instant on Call Her Daddy. You know what I mean? Wow. I'm feeling inspired. Um, I'm gonna go write a screenplay. Okay. Daddy gang, thank you so much for tuning in and prepare yourselves because we have a very, very, very, uh, interesting episode coming out this week. Some drama, some tea. Also, the Hannah Montana 20th anniversary

• 54:30Alex Cooper?

  special is dropping on this Tuesday. So get ready, get set. Please don't go. Okay. Love you guys. I will see you on Wednesday. Bye.

• 54:56Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches, Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life. Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20 to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Klavio. So Klavio says it's your brand's best friend. Both claim, but here's the thing.

• 55:37Alex Cooper?

  Klaviyo knows your brand, your tone, your customers, all your data in one place. Klaviyo's AI agents answer them 24/7 in your voice and build your campaigns from one prompt, emails, texts, and WhatsApp. Plus Klaviyo finds your next sale before you do. It's time to meet your new CRM BFF. Go to K L A V I Y O dot com slash best friends. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Pandora Jewelry. Make their holiday unforgettable with a gift that says it all from Pandora Jewelry. I feel like the best gifts are always the ones that feel really personal, right?

• 56:19Alex Cooper?

  Like, anyone can buy you something nice, but when someone gives you a gift that is actually meaningful, you appreciate it so much more. And that's what I do love about Pandora. They have so many pieces that you can really just make your own, from festive charms to personalized engravings and jewelry that can represent the people and the moments that mean the most to you. So whether you're shopping for your partner or your mom, your best friend, you can find something that really is specific to them. Maybe it's a charm that makes you think of the trip that you guys took together once, or maybe it's an engraving for your anniversary, or just a piece that feels like them the second you see it. Pandora makes it so easy to give a gift that feels thoughtful and personal and makes

• 57:04Alex Cooper?

  every holiday moment even more meaningful and special. Because at the end of the day, the best gifts aren't just about the piece itself, but it's the intention and the story behind them. Say more this holiday season with Pandora. Shop now at pandora.net or visit your closest Pandora store.