Bill Burr Live From The Fonda Theater In Hollywood

Bill Burr joins Conan live at the Fonda Theater in Los Angles to discuss the Riyadh Comedy Festival and performing on Broadway in the revival of David Mamet’s Glengarry Glen Ross. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, thank you to Hyundai for sponsoring this event. The all-new Hyundai Palisade Hybrid is more than just another SUV. It's still the Palisade, but with so much more. Learn more about the Hyundai Palisade at HyundaiUSA.com.

• 0:41Conan O'Brien?

  Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Conan O'Brien.

• 0:46Conan O'Brien?

  Hey!

• 0:49Conan O'Brien?

  How are you?

• 0:53Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you very much. Thank you.

• 0:58Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you very much. What lovely-looking people. Please, have a seat. Everybody have a seat. Come on, you just wasted a standing ovation. Thanks for being here. We're very excited to be doing Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend here at the beautiful Fonda Theater. Yeah.

• 1:21Conan O'Brien?

  I had never played this theater before. This is my first-- who's been here before? Have you been here at Fonda? Is it mostly music here, or is there comedy as well? Mostly music. Okay, so this is terrible what we're doing. Okay. No, I asked a friend of mine who knows all the theaters. I said, "Where is the Fonda Theater?" And he said, "It's kind of at the end of Hollywood Boulevard, where all the stars from the Hollywood Walk of Fame kind of peter out." And I thought, "That is perfect for us." There's hardly any stars left when you come down here, but the ones there are, like, for associate producers. Bill Mechenik. Stas Bulloni. Four years ago, I wrapped up the late-night show.

• 2:05Conan O'Brien?

  I did 28 years, and I loved it. I loved every second of it. But I thought, "I've done this. I've done everything I think I can do with this." It's a great format, but I'm tired of it. It's time to go before someone asks me to go. I turned out to be very wise. And--

• 2:24Conan O'Brien?

  I'll just go now. Leave the party before you're tossed out. And so, I did that. And I started saying, "I love this podcast thing. It's so informal. I'm just in a little room. I'm with Matt, I'm with Sona. We're goofing around. There's no makeup. There's no falderol and pageantry. I love this. This is great." And then we start doing the podcast and it grows and it grows. And people like you are listening to it. It's very exciting. It's growing. And people say, "You know..." Sheriff Ross is like, "You know, we should do it. We should get some bigger and bigger advertisers. People really want to buy in." We buy in, okay? Then they say, "You know what we should do? We should get it on camera."

• 3:03Conan O'Brien?

  I say, "Okay, let's get it on camera." And then a little more time goes by and people are like, "You know what you should do? You should get multiple cameras on it." "Okay, you know what you should do? You should do it live in front of a theater. Get a lot of people here." "You know what you should do?

• 3:19Conan O'Brien?

  You know what you should do? You know what you should do? If you're gonna have cameras and you'd be in front of a theater, you need makeup. You know what you should do? If you're gonna be in front of people and you're wearing makeup and you got a whole bunch of people in a theater and you got cameras, you should get a band."

• 3:35Conan O'Brien?

  I am right back where I started.

• 3:39Conan O'Brien?

  Welcome to Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

• 3:47Conan O'Brien?

  This was not the plan.

• 3:50Conan O'Brien?

  This is not what I wanted. You did this!

• 3:56Conan O'Brien?

  You're all to blame.

• 3:59Conan O'Brien?

  We have a wonderful show tonight. I do want to... I just mentioned the band and I want to give them a shout out because my good friend of 32 years, this man auditioned for the original band. He put it all together. He's a genius. Jimmy Vavino!

• 4:14Conan O'Brien?

  My good man who was also there on that first show, September 13th, 1993, Seth Healy!

• 4:23Conan O'Brien?

  Then we get to the scum that came late to the party.

• 4:27Conan O'Brien?

  They waited till they saw it was this. This guy right here, Andy Sancesi, said, "I'm gonna wait 32 years to make sure it really works out." Andy Sancesi on drums, terrific.

• 4:39Conan O'Brien?

  And Jennifer, J. Joe Oberly on bass.

• 4:45Conan O'Brien?

  My first major crush, bass player with that color hair, just knocked me out.

• 4:52Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you so much for being here. I love this place already. You're an incredible crowd. Very excited. And I want to start the show by bringing out two people who are essential to the goings-on. I love them. I also slash loathe them. No, we're family. We get along like family, and I adore them, and I wouldn't have a podcast without them. Let's bring them out right now. Sona Movsesian and Matt Gourley.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Love us and loathe us.

• 5:33Conan O'Brien?

  So, first of all...

• 5:35Speaker 01

  What's up, HH? No one ever calls it HH.

• 5:41Conan O'Brien?

  He gave a shout-out for Hacienda Heights.

• 5:43Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 5:43Conan O'Brien?

  Is that... Tell us about Hacienda Heights.

• 5:46Speaker 01

  Hacienda Heights is a town in LA County.

• 5:49Conan O'Brien?

  We are listened to all across the world, and people need to be informed.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Yes. It's a kind of place where you would never go unless you had to go there. The fanciest restaurant, I think, was The Claim Jumper when I was growing up there. And their mall... Here's what it is.

• 6:06Conan O'Brien?

  I'm sorry, can I say one thing? This guy shouted out with great enthusiasm, "Hacienda Heights!" And you proceeded to say, "It's the kind of place you go that you don't really want to go to and will never go to again."

• 6:18Speaker 01

  Well, here's the two things about Hacienda Heights you guys need to know. One, Fergie went to my high school.

• 6:24Conan O'Brien?

  The Duchess Fergie?

• 6:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, that Fergie.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  And then the second one is the Pointe Hills Mall is where they shot the, where the Back to the Future, where the DeLorean goes back and forth from the past.

• 6:38Speaker 02

  The third thing you need to know is I grew up in Whittier, which is next door to Hacienda Heights, and we never went there.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Yay!

• 6:44Conan O'Brien?

  You live next door to Hacienda Heights and you never went there.

• 6:46Speaker 02

  We never went.

• 6:48Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I love about this conversation? It's pleasing next to no one.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  That guy's pleased.

• 6:54Conan O'Brien?

  This guy's over the moon. He's gonna go back to Hacienda Heights tonight and go, "They talked about us!" And they picked it up and talked for 40 minutes about Hacienda Heights.

• 7:06Conan O'Brien?

  How are you guys? Everything good?

• 7:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:10Conan O'Brien?

  That's terrific.

• 7:11Speaker 02

  I mean, we're...

• 7:12Conan O'Brien?

  I just talked about how you bring so much to the podcast. And I got 'em going, I had some good stuff, and then I threw to you guys and I get, "Yeah, it's good."

• 7:21Speaker 01

  Did you? You know, I'm not gonna lie, I think I listened to like, nothing you said when we were back there. Cause Matt and I were just chatting.

• 7:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 7:28Speaker 01

  And then at one point, everybody started clapping, and I was like, "Oh shit, were we supposed to go out there?" And luckily, there's people paying attention.

• 7:35Conan O'Brien?

  Incredible. Incredible story.

• 7:39Conan O'Brien?

  Dying here where the stars just ebb out on Hollywood Boulevard.

• 7:44Conan O'Brien?

  Are there even stars on the ground outside the theater here?

• 7:47Speaker 01

  I saw some...

• 7:48Conan O'Brien?

  Couple.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  I saw a star and someone had written on it, so we could just go right here.

• 7:51Conan O'Brien?

  This is the part of Hollywood Boulevard where you can write in your own name.

• 7:54Speaker 02

  Yeah. This is also not the Henry Fonda Theater, it's the Bruce Fonda Theater.

• 8:00Speaker 02

  Or Peter.

• 8:01Conan O'Brien?

  He was a sound editor.

• 8:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:03Conan O'Brien?

  You guys are probably curious about my life lately.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  Actually, no.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  No, we didn't ask.

• 8:08Speaker 02

  It's such a simple thing.

• 8:08Conan O'Brien?

  Backstage, I told them, "Why don't you ask me about what I'm up to?" And they can't even do that.

• 8:14Speaker 01

  No.

• 8:15Speaker 02

  Well, I was just noticing how this audience is bathed in this beautiful blue light. You guys look amazing, look at this.

• 8:21Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I noticed? There's a bar.

• 8:25Conan O'Brien?

  And this is, and I don't know if this is a sign that things are going well in my career, or poorly, but there's a bar in the theater that we are performing in right now.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:37Conan O'Brien?

  I say that is, I say that is, that's a positive.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  I think so too. I think we should take advantage of it, to be honest with you.

• 8:43Conan O'Brien?

  Can we?

• 8:44Speaker 01

  Can we?

• 8:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there's a, there's a bar right back there. Are we able to get any, I know the audience is, the audience is not getting drinks because we're told you're all terrible alcoholics. Would you guys like anything? Would you like anything, Sona? Would you like anything, Matt?

• 8:57Speaker 02

  The answer is always yes.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, me too, same.

• 9:00Conan O'Brien?

  I'm on the wagon, because I'm driving this bus tonight, but what do you guys want?

• 9:03Speaker 01

  I, uh, okay, well, my, my, my, uh...

• 9:09Conan O'Brien?

  What distracted you?

• 9:11Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 9:11Conan O'Brien?

  There's nothing happening. Have you already had a drink? You went, "I..."

• 9:17Speaker 01

  I short circuited.

• 9:18Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, I mean, at least a cat or a puppy is looking at a fly.

• 9:21Speaker 02

  You glitched.

• 9:22Conan O'Brien?

  You had nothing.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Um, listen, my usual drink is a dirty martini. Extra olives, and if they have the cheese olives, those are my favorite olives. If not, I'll take the garlic olives. If not those olives, then I'll just take regular olives. But that, and then, I, but I figure if I only get one drink, I should like really, maybe go for it? So should I, I mean, I haven't had one of these in a long time, but should I just do like a Long Island iced tea?

• 9:55Conan O'Brien?

  I meant like, do you want a beer or not?

• 10:00Conan O'Brien?

  What about you?

• 10:01Speaker 02

  I want something special.

• 10:03Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 10:04Speaker 02

  Can you do a paper plane?

• 10:05Speaker 01

  Oh, of course.

• 10:06Conan O'Brien?

  There's not even stairs in this theater.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  Don't hurt yourself. Don't hurt yourself.

• 10:09Conan O'Brien?

  I'll get these. You guys settle down. Hi, I'll high five you.

• 10:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:13Conan O'Brien?

  I'll high five you.

• 10:14Speaker 01

  I didn't know you were gonna go get these drinks.

• 10:16Conan O'Brien?

  I'll high five you. I'll high five you. I didn't, I'm sorry, sir, I missed the high five. This guy held his hand up for a high five and dropped it before I got to him.

• 10:26Conan O'Brien?

  That is the most humiliating, even you didn't have the energy for a whole, full high five. Yes. Oh, the bar is back this way. Okay, hello, where do I do, where do I go? Okay, this is great. You're actually making these drinks. You are very good, what is your name? This is Chris. Chris, it's so nice to meet you, how are you?

• 10:43Speaker 01

  Nice to have you.

• 10:44Conan O'Brien?

  I think it's wise to drink because I am the host and then I'm taking all of these drinks back up. This guy is good. Okay.

• 10:53Speaker 01

  Oh, I want a vodka martini.

• 10:55Conan O'Brien?

  Hi, how are you? I can't high five you now.

• 10:59Speaker 01

  Is it a vodka martini?

• 11:00Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna try to high five her, hold on. Can you hold my mic, please? Yes! We did it. Impressive.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  Don't spill the drinks.

• 11:09Conan O'Brien?

  You're an asshole, man. The last thing I'll see before I go to sleep is that guy's hand dropping as I approach him. Here are your drinks, guys. Okay, now I have to gracefully get back on stage. It's a good thing I work out so much, but you knew that because of the shape of my body.

• 11:30Speaker 02

  Cheers.

• 11:31Conan O'Brien?

  What's that?

• 11:31Speaker 01

  Cheers, friend.

• 11:32Conan O'Brien?

  Nice? Thank you, cheers.

• 11:36Speaker 01

  Thanks, everybody.

• 11:38Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, well now we're Bill Maher's podcast. In all the best ways.

• 11:44Speaker 01

  Now it's gonna get interesting.

• 11:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, no it won't, you'll just get kinda sloppy as always. It doesn't get more interesting. You were distracted before by nothing and now you're drinking. This is the arc we are on at the moment. I just got back from New York.

• 12:03Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 12:03Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 12:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and you're not asking me, so I'm just gonna plow ahead.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Hey, what have you been up to?

• 12:10Conan O'Brien?

  Thanks a lot for doing that one thing.

• 12:12Speaker 02

  Did you just get back from anywhere?

• 12:14Speaker 01

  Did you do, did you fly?

• 12:15Conan O'Brien?

  You guys suck.

• 12:17Speaker 02

  Cheers.

• 12:18Conan O'Brien?

  I say that with love. I just brought you drinks and you won't even do the one thing you're supposed to do. Uh, yeah, I was in New York, thanks for asking, and people in the crowd are shouting it out because you won't do your job. I was in New York because I'm in a movie. I'm in a movie and I was doing something I've never done before, which is promote a movie, and it's weird because I realize that it's a completely different animal than anything I've done in my entire career.

• 12:47Speaker 02

  Carpet interviews and things like that.

• 12:48Conan O'Brien?

  I did some red carpet interviews where people actually asked me, "What are you wearing?" Yeah, I proudly said, "Pants."

• 12:57Conan O'Brien?

  No, they say, "Who are you wearing?" And I honestly don't know. I just say Sears every time. But they, um, but the one thing I had to do, which was so strange, is there's a screening. You go to these, like, Link, there was New York Film Festival, and there's a big screening. And you go and you get ready and you, there's a whole crowd there at Lincoln Center. And everyone's excited and you say, "Okay, and here's the movie." And then everybody walks out. At a bunch of these screenings, they do this. The cast walks out and they go and they sit down and have dinner while people watch the movie. That is the opposite of everything I've been trained to do.

• 13:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:32Conan O'Brien?

  So my heart was getting, you know, racing more and more as I got close. I was stretching, I got ready, because I, and the same mentality of, "I'm gonna go out there and do a show for close to two hours." Then I remember, we shot this two years ago.

• 13:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:46Conan O'Brien?

  And I don't do anything now. And so I just walk out and people are just eating their chicken going, "Mmm, good chicken." And I'm just, I'm obsessed with, "What's happening with the crowd? Do I need to run out there and go, 'Come on, what do we think?'" You know, and give them a boost again? Do I need to rush out there? I mean, I have all the wrong instincts. I should never be in film. It's a terrible mistake.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  No, but you know, I saw your movie, and we should say the name of it. It's "If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You," and it's, uh...

• 14:14Conan O'Brien?

  With Rose Byrne.

• 14:15Speaker 01

  Are you complaining about having dinner with Rose Byrne?

• 14:18Conan O'Brien?

  She wouldn't sit with me.

• 14:19Speaker 01

  Oh, no!

• 14:20Conan O'Brien?

  That's in Rose Byrne's contract.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  Do they...

• 14:22Conan O'Brien?

  She's lovely and she loves everyone. She's kind to everyone, but she will not sit with me.

• 14:26Speaker 01

  Do they put you at a table?

• 14:27Conan O'Brien?

  And I thought, "Well, she's probably sitting with someone really important." And then I saw she was sitting next to a CPR dummy.

• 14:33Speaker 02

  She thought it was you.

• 14:34Conan O'Brien?

  She thought it was me, yeah.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  I, I love everybody having dinner and then you're at a table by yourself.

• 14:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 14:40Speaker 02

  Aww.

• 14:41Conan O'Brien?

  That's kinda what happened, yeah.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  Well, that's sad.

• 14:42Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, it's funny.

• 14:42Speaker 02

  Are you okay watching yourself in a movie and acting? How does it feel?

• 14:46Conan O'Brien?

  I shouted out, "He's hot."

• 14:49Speaker 02

  Did you disguise your voice?

• 14:50Conan O'Brien?

  I didn't. I forgot to. And then I shouted out, "Not Conan speaking." That fooled nobody.

• 14:59Speaker 02

  Oh, man.

• 15:00Conan O'Brien?

  I was OK with it. I just, it's so clear that this is not something that's in my, so much in my world, but...

• 15:06Speaker 01

  Don't say that. I saw it, and I thought you were great. The movie is amazing.

• 15:09Conan O'Brien?

  The movie's amazing. I'm very, I'm very proud to be in the movie. I think the movie's amazing. Mary Bronstein did this incredible job. She wrote it, she directed it. She's a badass. Rose Byrne, I think, is one of the best actors working anywhere in the world today.

• 15:23Speaker 01

  Yes, she is.

• 15:23Conan O'Brien?

  I thought she gave the performance of a lifetime, and I'm OK with what I did. I think it was fine, and I'm very excited for the movie.

• 15:30Speaker 01

  It was very good.

• 15:30Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you for saying that. It was very, very good what I did.

• 15:32Speaker 01

  You were fishing!

• 15:33Conan O'Brien?

  And I just caught one. OK.

• 15:40Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, Sona, I heard you got a new car.

• 15:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:42Conan O'Brien?

  You know, David usually gives me a ride to work, but I'd love it if you...

• 15:46Speaker 01

  No, no, no, you're not. I'm sorry, you're not allowed in my new car. My Palisade is my oasis. It's my happy place. So, you're not allowed in because you're not...

• 15:56Conan O'Brien?

  Wait a minute, what are you talking about? I made you. You, when I found you, you were wandering the streets with a bucket on your head.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  What?

• 16:03Conan O'Brien?

  And now you're Sona M'Fesheen, and you're driving around the Palisade. You won't give me a ride?

• 16:06Speaker 01

  This is why I don't let you in my happy place, because you talk about me walking around with a bucket on my head. Why would I let you into my personal oasis if this is the way you're gonna talk? You have to earn your spot.

• 16:17Conan O'Brien?

  Well, earn it now.

• 16:17Speaker 01

  In my Hyundai Palisade.

• 16:19Conan O'Brien?

  The all-new Hyundai Palisade Hybrid is more than just another SUV. It's still the Palisade, but with so much more, like up to 600-plus miles of range. That's incredible.

• 16:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is.

• 16:27Conan O'Brien?

  And class-leading interior space. So much space. Now, have you enjoyed that extra space?

• 16:32Speaker 01

  I'm being very serious right now. If you recline the seat all the way back, a little ottoman pops up so you can sleep comfortably in the front seat.

• 16:40Conan O'Brien?

  That's insane.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:42Conan O'Brien?

  There are seating configurations for seven to eight passengers with available third-row power seats that recline, plus available front and second-row relaxation seats. Learn more about the Hyundai Palisade at HyundaiUSA.com. Call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 17:03Conan O'Brien?

  I think we should move on.

• 17:04Speaker 02

  The big event, yeah.

• 17:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, we have a special surprise guest here. We're gonna dim the lights and have a little bit of an introduction, and here we go.

• 17:12Speaker 02

  Let's do it.

• 17:17Speaker 02

  Do I do it now? Hi, I'm Bill Burr, and, uh, I feel wonderful.

• 17:23Speaker 03

  About being Conan O'Brien's friend.

• 17:34Conan O'Brien?

  Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen.

• 17:36Speaker 03

  Hey, how are ya? How's it going?

• 17:39Conan O'Brien?

  It's going okay for me. How's it going with you?

• 17:41Speaker 03

  Oh, it's been a great week. Been fucking fantastic.

• 17:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 17:47Speaker 03

  Jesus Christ.

• 17:49Conan O'Brien?

  You've been in the news?

• 17:50Speaker 03

  Yeah. I think the general consensus is, is, is, "How dare you go to that place and make those oppressed people laugh, you fucking piece of shit." "I can't believe you went to that place I can't find on a map." "And, and this bot said I was upset about it, so now I am."

• 18:08Conan O'Brien?

  Now, let's paint a picture here.

• 18:10Speaker 03

  It's one thing to wear clothes made in, by sweatshop labor. It's quite another to go to the factory and make 'em laugh.

• 18:22Speaker 03

  I can't believe how much anger I had about this issue after it went viral.

• 18:28Conan O'Brien?

  So you're here to apologize?

• 18:31Speaker 03

  No. Not at all. It was one of the most amazing experiences I've had as a comedian. It was incredible. And what was the best part is my whole life is I've been paranoid about the news. Like, I watch the news and I always go like, "This doesn't feel, feels like they're, you know, they're moving stuff around, they're shifting it." So to actually kind of be in the middle of one of those stories and actually confirm it, and watching 'em lying their ass off, saying there was no women there, which was a lie. It was just great to be at home. Like, I'm like, "I fucking knew it. I knew they were lying."

• 19:02Conan O'Brien?

  All right.

• 19:03Speaker 03

  It's not all right. It's really fucked up that they do that.

• 19:06Conan O'Brien?

  You sound like anyone's uncle yelling at the TV. But in the best way. Let me lay this out. Let's lay it out for anyone who isn't initiated-

• 19:14Speaker 03

  Lay it out, man.

• 19:15Conan O'Brien?

  Let's lay it out, man.

• 19:16Speaker 03

  We got fucking 8-track tape here.

• 19:19Speaker 03

  Why did you turn into some A and R guy from the 1970s?

• 19:22Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I just wanna lay it out. I never like to assume everybody's on the same page, you know?

• 19:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, we'll do a bump on the console.

• 19:28Conan O'Brien?

  You went to Riyadh. It was a comedy festival they had in Riyadh and you went with a bunch of other people. Yes, a bunch of comedians.

• 19:33Speaker 03

  Yes, we went there and I was scared shitless.

• 19:37Conan O'Brien?

  Were you scared before you went?

• 19:38Speaker 03

  100% cuz I had the same idea that part of the world is everybody else. I thought I was gonna go there. There was gonna be a bunch of people dressed like Yasser Arafat, shooting machine guns in the air going, "There's America! There's one! Cut his fucking head off!"

• 19:56Speaker 03

  So I land in Bahrain and I'm going through customs and the dude's standing there. He goes, "What are you doing over here?" I go, "I'm a comedian." We went to Bahrain first and I go, "Yeah, uh, I'm a comedian from America." He goes, "Oh yeah?" He goes, "You think we're all over here waiting to cut your head off." He literally said that and I had to be like, "Uh, no. No, no, no, I didn't." If I was more comfortable, I would have been. And you thought I would be 600 pounds with camouflage crocs coming in here, waiting to eat a, I don't know what. So we're going into Saudi Arabia. Now we're flying over there and all I'm seeing is sand and like the highways. It literally looks like the footage whenever they show up right before a military strike. Yeah, I'm fucking nervous, right? So we go there and everybody's like, "Cool," right? "Hey, how you doing?" Talking into just fucking normal, sort of, right?

• 20:39Speaker 03

  And, uh, we were standing, we was in the round. First of all, the great thing about the, uh, the festival was the people that put it together, when they first said that they wanted a comedy festival over there, they said, "Okay, what is your, your restrictions with speech?" And they had this whole long list and the promoters were just like, "All right, well, we can't, you guys aren't ready for stand-up comedy yet." And to their credit, they said, "All right, what are we gonna do?" And they basically whittled it all the way down to you couldn't talk about any religion. There's yours, anybody else's, and you couldn't make fun of the Royals. That was it. And I know a lot of people that, "Well, that's fucked up, man." It's like, well, they just progressed the ball like 10 yards and it was amazing. And we, we get there, it's like in the round and I'm waiting to go on

• 21:24Speaker 03

  and everybody in the crowd is dressed like fucking Yasser Arafat, right? Going like, "Am I gonna..." And they go, "Just to let you know, the front row is diplomats." And I'm like, "Well, what the fuck are they doing?" Already have dry mouth going, "Why did I say yes to this?" And then the Royals were like up in the box, but everybody else was like regular. So I'm waiting to go on. It was in the round. It was like 8,000 people. And I was like nervous and shit. And right before I went on, this guy yells out, dressed in that whole dish dash thing. He goes, "Hey, Bill Burr, I love you. Kick ass, man." And I was just like, "What? I can't believe this guy knows who I am." And I went on stage and like, I just, I don't know, I just started doing my shit. And they were laughing and I was doing stuff about relationships and they were laughing.

• 22:06Speaker 03

  I said, "You know, I kinda noticed the chicks over here, the hot ones, they wear the veil a little bit lower." And that got a huge laugh.

• 22:13Conan O'Brien?

  They're laughing at me.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  They are laughing. And then I said, "Fuck it, I'm gonna do the joining a gay gym joke with the dudes sucking each other's dicks in the steam room." So I get halfway through it and the monitor goes out and I'm like, "Oh, fuck." "Am I gonna get arrested?" And it ended up coming back on, but like, I really have to tell you-

• 22:31Conan O'Brien?

  Were they trying to edit you in that moment, or do you think it was just an accident?

• 22:34Speaker 03

  No, it was just, you know, it just, it just-

• 22:36Conan O'Brien?

  I love how you say the gay gym joke like, "You all know."

• 22:41Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. No, what was so great about it was the, it was the people there. You could feel it, like they needed it, they wanted it, and they wanted you to push. And that's what the comics did. And you're like, your job was to just, okay, we've gotten them to here, now you can move them to there. And it's like, as much as people don't like what's going on over there, it's like, they're not gonna progress with isolation. So if you go over there and you just sort of like move them a little bit towards us, you know, I don't know, I feel like we're moving towards them in a lot of ways over here, you know? Yeah, I mean, Jesus Christ, we're fucking putting, grabbing moms and dads and sticking them in a van for making illegally made fucking tacos to go to Alligator Alcatraz?

• 23:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's fucking insane. It's insane and, and, you know, someday they're gonna be out of brown people to put in those vans. They're still gonna have the vans, so you shouldn't be feeling comfortable about it, thinking that you're not gonna be in it. Yeah, it's fucked up. It's really fucked up, so, and I will say this. I do have to say this because one of the people that got the most amount of shit, and I'm not gonna say any comedians' names because of all of these sanctimonious cunts out there, that are just, who don't really sincerely give a shit. I don't know what it is. Their parents didn't hug them, it's bots, I have no idea. Like, they go after your wife. It's like, she didn't open for me. Like, I don't understand.

• 24:00Conan O'Brien?

  You're talking about online hate?

• 24:01Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 24:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you read that stuff?

• 24:04Speaker 03

  Dude, I haven't been online for like a month. I, I finally viewed the internet the way I viewed drinking towards the end, where I was just like, I don't wanna be doing this, but I'm doing it every day. And this doesn't feel good.

• 24:15Conan O'Brien?

  Right, right.

• 24:16Speaker 03

  So, but what sucks is you can't be off the internet, cuz people just keep texting you, "Hey, just checking in to see how you're doing." And I'm like, "Kinda doing fine, man. I'm sitting here eating a sandwich." So, um, no, but one of the comics over there, openly gay, went over there and just did her fucking act, and she was in the middle of her act and two of the diplomats got up, and she said to them, "What are you guys going to go get on Grindr?"

• 24:42Speaker 03

  Dude, 33 years of comedy, that's the biggest balls of anything I've ever seen.

• 24:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 24:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, dude, and her own fucking people were like, not all of them, but like hardcore psycho gays were take, going after her. Fucking lunatics, man. It was, it was, listen, what went on going on over there was, was a super positive thing. If you actually give a fuck about those people and how they're living over there, there's gonna have to be these types of things to kind of pull them in. And I, I will tell you, the Cheesecake Factory in Riyadh, man, it's incredible. It's right next to the Pizza Hut and the KFC, and if you want a pair of Timberlands, it's across the street, next to the Marriott Caddy Corner to the fucking Hilton. But that's all fine. That's all fine. I love how there was no outrage too, the week before. The Canelo Alvarez fight. The fucking head dude is sitting right there.

• 25:33Speaker 03

  But everybody wet their beak on that one, so nobody was upset. And that's the thing about being a comedian, is you're an independent contractor. There's no ad money tied to you, so everybody can just, you know, they release the bots, so they can just keep it going.

• 25:46Conan O'Brien?

  Did you know?

• 25:47Speaker 03

  I am happy that I-

• 25:49Conan O'Brien?

  Did you have an inkling before you went to Riyadh? Did you or the other comedians have any sense that there'd be this kind of response when you got back?

• 25:57Speaker 03

  No, I had no fucking idea. Because I, you know, it was funny, one time I did Abu Dhabi, and somebody, it's one person texts me, "Oh, you're going over there to get that blood money." Right? And I go, "Hey, you know, just for the record, I'm also doing London, England on that tour." You know? Which is arguably the bloodiest fucking money out there. So there's like that element of racism to it, where if brown people are doing it, it's fucked up. If white people are doing it, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you talking about?" You know, almost like sports, so. Um, yeah. My team doesn't cheat, your fucking team cheats. So, I mean, if we're gonna do the blood money game, I think the only places, countries I've ever played in that is clean money was New Zealand and, I think, Iceland. But then Iceland is weird, where over there, they have an app, a dating app, that doesn't

• 26:40Speaker 03

  say, you know, if you're related, it's how. Because they're all part of the same thing over there. I'm so-

• 26:46Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, that's not a joke.

• 26:47Speaker 03

  That's not a joke, it's fucking true.

• 26:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 26:50Speaker 03

  Look at you guys, "Oh, now he's going after Iceland."

• 26:55Speaker 03

  Now, I'm really upset with that place, I don't really quite know where it is. That's to England. Is that it? No, that's Ireland. That's Isle of Man, that's fucking Iceland. So, um, no, I'm part of the, I don't give a fuck what all these phony fucking people are saying. My thing is, is I go out to perform in front of fucking people, and like, I, as I've been traveling the world, I wanna see more of it. And, um, the thing that I loved about going to these Arab countries is that their sense of humor, they're silly, they're really silly, and I'm a silly person, and like Anchorman type of shit, and, but like- Yeah, they don't fucking show that over here.

• 27:38Speaker 03

  So it's kind of fun to get a worldview by going, like, a little more of an informed worldview than, you know, if you sit on your couch and let some talking head, you know, then you just think it's machine guns and people saying all of that stuff. And it's like, I don't know, I, I, it was a really like, I was like buzzing after the show. That's, that's what a good time it was. And all of these fucking assholes that didn't go and never will go, all they're ever gonna see is, you know, the machine guns and, and, you know, if that's how you want to live, that's how you want to live. I, I, I really, I don't give a fuck, Conan. And, and if it affects my career, I, I, you know, I've been to LAX enough in my life. You know, I'll fucking sit home for a little bit.

• 28:21Speaker 03

  I will actually tell you, LAX is slightly sadder than Saudi Arabia.

• 28:27Conan O'Brien?

  Now, there's something everyone can agree on. You just brought us all together.

• 28:32Speaker 02

  That's what comedians do. They bring a crowd together. You're supposed to, yeah.

• 28:36Conan O'Brien?

  I will say this. I'll say, I have devoted a chunk of my life to trying to go to countries all around the world. Um, I don't always love what's happening in that country, but I go and my goal is always-

• 28:49Speaker 02

  Why didn't you change it? When you were there for eight days, you should have walked in and-

• 28:55Conan O'Brien?

  But the thing that I've always wanted to do is try and find real people and make them laugh. And it gives me a kind of joy that is very hard to describe.

• 29:04Speaker 03

  It's unbelievable. You know, when I, I did a gig in India one time and I didn't realize, like, they're like ridiculous, like, ball breakers, which I just didn't expect that from them. And I was doing this podcast before I went over there to, like, promote my show. And they were going like, "Hey, man, when you come over here, what are you gonna talk about?" And I sort of said some of the things. They go, "Oh, yeah," they go, "you should talk about this." You know, this subject. I go, "Why don't you talk about this?" They kept throwing out subjects. And then I finally just go, "Wait a minute, do you guys talk about these subjects in your country?" And they just laughed at me. Like, they were trying to get me in trouble.

• 29:36Conan O'Brien?

  They were trying to set you up.

• 29:37Speaker 03

  Yeah. So then I was like, "All right, I like these guys."

• 29:39Conan O'Brien?

  It's that same Boston mentality.

• 29:41Speaker 03

  I, I got there and this is, this was, you know, it was, it was a wild place. And, and the sense of humor was great, but then, you know, you did see fucked up stuff when you were there. You know, I saw a T-shirt said, "Real men don't rape." And I was like, "Wow." Like, where am I?

• 29:56Conan O'Brien?

  That's a real T-shirt.

• 29:57Speaker 03

  That is a real T-shirt. Like, you know, John 316, it's-

• 30:03Conan O'Brien?

  Their version, yeah.

• 30:07Conan O'Brien?

  Someone holds that up at a football game. Right by the goalpost.

• 30:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, during a soccer game. They put that up.

• 30:15Conan O'Brien?

  Have you talked to the other comics that you went over there with and compared notes on the reactions since you got back?

• 30:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, we all had like a great time over there and then everybody else is just going like, dude, what the, what the fuck?

• 30:27Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I love? That a bunch of people went over, but because of your success, you're one of the main names that gets mentioned over and over again. So congratulations.

• 30:36Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, well, I mean, you know, I haven't literally watched any of it. I don't care about all of that performative shit. And it's like, if someone actually wanted to have a real conversation and stuff like that, you know? I mean, I could get all the way into like, as far, you know, as like a performer, you know? You know, one of my favorite things is this scumbag, uh, club owner texted my tour manager because he heard I was over there and he goes, uh, yeah, he goes, "Bring back a burka and a sweatshirt in size oppression." Like, that was his joke. So I wrote back to him. I go, "Why don't you start, but I go, 'Why don't you concentrate on not ripping off comedians, you fucking piece of shit.'" And he never wrote back.

• 31:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, because he's a fucking-

• 31:22Conan O'Brien?

  Was he gonna give it a thumbs up?

• 31:24Speaker 03

  No, but that's like-

• 31:25Conan O'Brien?

  Ha ha!

• 31:26Speaker 03

  No, but that's like, no, he didn't even defend his position.

• 31:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, right, right. He knows.

• 31:31Speaker 03

  Yeah!

• 31:31Conan O'Brien?

  He's like-

• 31:31Speaker 03

  That fucking guy, oh my god!

• 31:33Conan O'Brien?

  Guy on the shithead!

• 31:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, no. And you know what's funny? He's just a typical club owner. So that's like, I'm saying with people where they, you know? I, listen, I could say so much fucking more about, about some of the stuff, but I don't wanna, um... Everything that you say, they twist it around. It's just another log to throw in the fire and all of these, it just, none of them really give a fuck. Like, things like this have to happen in order to gradually, like, progress and then, you know? It's just, it was necessary. It felt, it didn't, it felt right afterward. Like, I really, and it really was like the people. And I vibe with them and they were funny fuck, you know, they were funny fucking people. So I don't know what to tell you. I had a good time.

• 32:14Conan O'Brien?

  Alright.

• 32:20Conan O'Brien?

  My more personal note.

• 32:21Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 32:22Conan O'Brien?

  Um, you've come on this podcast, uh, many, many times. I think you have the record for being on this podcast the most because you and I are friends.

• 32:30Speaker 03

  Do I get the jacket?

• 32:33Conan O'Brien?

  I spent that money on the drinks for those two idiots.

• 32:35Speaker 03

  I love it, alright.

• 32:36Conan O'Brien?

  I just want you to know that in all the times you've done it, you started out saying you felt, uh, honored to be on the podcast. Then you said, "Great." Then the next time you're on, you said, "Oh," uh, you said, "Good." And then the last time you said, "Alright."

• 32:51Conan O'Brien?

  I was losing you. You had an iron deficiency or something.

• 32:56Speaker 03

  But why can't, why can't you ask me what's going on in my life? Then I'm slowly slipping into the abyss. Why does it have to be about you?

• 33:06Speaker 03

  Maybe I'm slipping into a, a depression and you could fucking check in on me. Instead of being like, "The compliments I'm graphing that my friends have." Like, how insecure are you about your friendships with people?

• 33:18Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just saying.

• 33:18Speaker 03

  That you have a record, uh, on, on April of 2021, you were honored.

• 33:24Conan O'Brien?

  I'd like to point out, I let you talk for quite a while.

• 33:30Conan O'Brien?

  About issues in your life. I wasn't listening. Cause I was busy monitoring the different responses you've had to, "I feel blank about being Conan O'Brien's friend." And I made that tally.

• 33:42Speaker 03

  I get it. No, I get it. And I noticed that when we hang out.

• 33:46Conan O'Brien?

  You know?

• 33:47Speaker 03

  We both check out every once in a while and think of our own bullshit. But somehow we sort of spend, "Oh yeah, that's right, I'm, I'm hanging out with Conan. How you doing, man? How you been for the last seven minutes? I've been thinking about myself."

• 33:57Conan O'Brien?

  I, um, I went and saw you in New York and I watched you do, uh, Glengarry Glen Ross on Broadway. And you were spectacular. I don't know if anybody here saw it.

• 34:06Speaker 03

  financed by Saudi money.

• 34:08Conan O'Brien?

  Alright.

• 34:10Speaker 03

  No, I wasn't.

• 34:12Conan O'Brien?

  Possibly, I don't know.

• 34:14Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 34:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 34:15Speaker 03

  I know, I just learned my lines.

• 34:17Conan O'Brien?

  You did more than learn your lines, you were spectacular.

• 34:20Speaker 03

  Oh, thank you.

• 34:20Conan O'Brien?

  You were great. I talked about it at the top of the show, but I've dabbled a little bit with this acting thing and I have a lot of respect for, because I know you've been working at it for a while.

• 34:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:31Conan O'Brien?

  You've done a lot of different acting gigs and you've been terrific.

• 34:34Speaker 03

  Oh, thank you.

• 34:35Conan O'Brien?

  And when I was watching this, I kind of thought, I think, I felt like David Mamet wrote this part for you. That's how it felt. Cause it's so fit your rhythm. Did it feel right the first time you got into it?

• 34:47Speaker 03

  It, I played this guy David Moss. He talked like how everybody talked when we, growing up. He talked super fast, he interrupted people, he didn't listen. I'm like, I know this guy. But, um, what was fun was that first scene I would do with Michael McKean and when you finally get it going and when it kind of like locks in with his, cause we talk over each other and everything. And, um, yeah, Michael was like, um, like probably the greatest listener I had ever worked, like, cause I swear to God, you know, you do it every night and like, you know, sometimes you're doing the line and it just, it would come out just a little bit different to the left and he just would always just catch it.

• 35:30Speaker 03

  No matter, no matter what, and he would give me something different, like 128 shows, he surprised me every time. And, um, it was, it was very, very easy to do that scene with him. He's an incredible, everybody knows that, but like to actually get to do it. There was, there was so many nights when I would be doing it and I would actually be out of this scene being like, I'm on Broadway and doing a scene with Michael McKean, this is fucking crazy. Then it's like, oh, he stopped talking. What do I say now?

• 35:59Speaker 03

  But it took, it took a while to kind of get over.

• 36:01Conan O'Brien?

  Was it terrifying the first night you went out and you're, you know, the curtain's coming up Broadway and you've got a, you know, seven page monologue you gotta do? I would run away. I would get on an E-bike and take off.

• 36:13Speaker 03

  It was, it was, it was weird. It was like waiting to go on was, was nervous, but like the live crowd actually made me feel comfortable because this is what I've been doing my whole career. So it just, I had to do like a, this new thing where it's just like, rather than doing this, I'm kind of doing this to get to that. But, um, the thing, the thing I was most nervous about is like, what if I forget? My lines, like, like, I can't, like, if I forget a joke, I can just say, "To hell with it, go to another joke when I'm doing stand-up." So, to do that, they call it going into the white room. And I was so afraid that that was gonna happen, and that's what happened, because the way Mamet wrote it, he kind of, like, the monologue repeats itself twice.

• 36:55Speaker 03

  So I would joke, it was like, "You did two donuts in the parking lot, and then you drove out." So two times, they say, "You know, he killed the goose," or "He fucking killed the goose," and I would get lost, like, "Where the hell am I?" So one night, I, I was doing it early, and I, and I went into the white room, and I couldn't fucking remember anything. There was a line that, that it had was, like, you know, wow, what the hell was it? It was something like, "Oh, that's the God's truth, and it gets me depressed. I swear it does, at my age, to see a goddamn..." That was like, the line. So I went into the white room, like, a page before that, and me and Michael just start improv-ing, and like, I gotta set him up for the next thing, so, but he knew where I was, so he just, out of nowhere, just looks at me and improvs the line, he just goes, "Does it make you depressed?" And I'm like, "As a matter of fact, it does."

• 37:40Conan O'Brien?

  All I wanted-

• 37:41Speaker 03

  At my age, oh my god.

• 37:42Conan O'Brien?

  All I wanted these idiots to do earlier was say, "So, what did you do in New York?" And they wouldn't do that.

• 37:49Speaker 03

  And "Does that make you depressed?"

• 37:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, so, he did that, and then we got through it, and there was like, an elevator ride down, and we laughed the whole way down, like, so many nights, we would laugh about something, and then, he saved, he saved me so many times, and then, only once, I had to save him, but I was so psyched, you know what I mean? That I, that I would, that I knew where we were, and that, 'cause he, you know, he helped me out so much, so like, the fact that one night, in all of those times, um, and it was just also, you know, to work with a legend like him, and then, of course, all the other guys, but like, oh my god, Bob Odenkirk and, uh-

• 38:25Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 38:25Speaker 03

  Kieran Culkin, what they were doing, you know, once they really, you know, got comfortable with it, like, I just wish I was in the second scene longer. Um, and I gotta say, uh, Donald Webber Jr., uh, John Pieracello, and, uh, Howard O'Neal, like, we just, you know, we vibed, there was no egos, we all knew that Michael was the guy, um, we all had respect for him, and we just, we just, we had a great time.

• 38:47Conan O'Brien?

  I did have one, I noticed one thing, which is I went back and I said, I've known Bob Odenkirk. We wrote on Saturday Night Live together when we got started back in the day. So I was visiting friends backstage, saying hi to everybody. And I got to you, I could tell you really missed, because you're in New York, but you missed your family. A lot. And you, it just felt like you were hurting a little bit, like you missed, you missed Neo, you missed your family.

• 39:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's the thing that we didn't take into consideration, like Neo was, and I was just going like, alright, well, you know, it's like a, you know, four month gig. You know, we'll come out, you know, 10 days a month and blah blah. But we didn't realize we were instantly gonna be in like this long distance relationship. So it was one of the hardest times of our marriage because it was like, I was lonely and she was swamped with the kids. So we both needed help. You know, usually in a relationship, one person's starting to go down, the other person pulls them up. We were both kinda going, we were both sort of sinking there for a minute, but uh, we always turn it around because um, you know, we're meant to be together. So it worked out, but it was definitely, it was definitely hard.

• 39:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I have my agency look after the kids.

• 39:56Conan O'Brien?

  True story. Yeah. William Morris Endeavor, they're fantastic.

• 40:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, yes they are.

• 40:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I'm gonna see them for the first time in three years. Looking forward to that. They have a script pitch for me.

• 40:10Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, and I've been going through this bullshit the whole week. My agent never even called me. He's been, he's been under his fucking desk.

• 40:15Conan O'Brien?

  Is that true? During this whole controversy, you haven't heard from your people?

• 40:20Speaker 03

  No, you know what it was, was he heard me on the podcast, you know, saying what I said here, that I had a good time and it was, you know, a positive thing or whatever. So he thought that that was the mindset that I was into the week. And as the week went on and more things happened and then like, uh, you know, I don't wanna get into it, but like, some of, you know, some of the people that spoke up. Uh, that was, was, you know, alright, you know, I, you know, I don't know how to say to somebody, hey man, can you check in with me? I don't know how to do that. So, you know, it wasn't until the weekend, I was like, dude, are you gonna fucking like call me? And then he was just, I, I didn't know, you know, but you know, my, we're cool, we're cool, so.

• 40:57Conan O'Brien?

  I think the important thing is, when all the people that are angry with you hear what you had to say tonight, they're just gonna calm down.

• 41:04Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 41:06Speaker 03

  Well, I'm not really-

• 41:06Conan O'Brien?

  I heard you out and I stand corrected.

• 41:08Speaker 03

  No-

• 41:08Conan O'Brien?

  You're gonna get, you're gonna see a lot of that online. A lot of "I stand corrected."

• 41:12Speaker 03

  Well, I gotta be honest, what I was trying to do here tonight was, was not connect with the people. I'm trying to connect with the bots. Because they're the ones that really seem to control the narrative.

• 41:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 41:23Speaker 03

  So if I can just get the bots to stop telling the mouth breathers what to be, what to look at.

• 41:33Speaker 03

  Look at that speaker, "It's gonna take over there."

• 41:40Speaker 03

  Fucking-

• 41:41Conan O'Brien?

  Alright. It's time for your medic- You're time for your medication.

• 41:44Speaker 03

  Morons.

• 41:47Conan O'Brien?

  Bill? You and I have been in it together for a long-

• 41:50Speaker 03

  Are you breaking up with me? That was like the most fucking-

• 41:52Conan O'Brien?

  I never want to see you again. I never want to see you again.

• 41:55Speaker 03

  You've presented your argument and I don't buy it?

• 41:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yep. Um... You've been a good friend. I love it when you come on the podcast and I always will.

• 42:03Speaker 03

  I love doing the podcast, man, and I appreciate you having me on, especially during all of this bullshit. You're a real friend, dude.

• 42:09Conan O'Brien?

  Alright, well, listen. Bill Burr, you're a man among men, and I don't know what that means.

• 42:15Speaker 03

  I don't know what it means either.

• 42:16Conan O'Brien?

  You know what, Letterman, David Letterman said to me once, I did something that, I said something he liked or something. He went, "Well, Conan, you're a man among men." And for the rest of the weekend, I realized that means absolutely nothing.

• 42:27Speaker 03

  Nothing.

• 42:28Conan O'Brien?

  I love the guy, he's a hero of mine, but that means nothing.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  I didn't notice it the first time, the second time you said it, I was just, "Oh, fuck, that didn't mean anything."

• 42:36Conan O'Brien?

  Among other men, you are in fact a man.

• 42:38Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 42:39Conan O'Brien?

  Bill Burr, thank you so much.

• 42:41Speaker 03

  No worries, thank you guys.

• 42:42Conan O'Brien?

  Alright.

• 42:58Conan O'Brien?

  Alright, we're back. Matt, I have no idea what's going on anymore. So, how much of the drink do you have?

• 43:04Speaker 01

  I'm almost done with her, actually.

• 43:06Conan O'Brien?

  Is that one, are you having both or are you just having the one?

• 43:08Speaker 01

  I just, I'm finishing her up and then she's on deck. Oh, okay, alright.

• 43:12Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 43:13Speaker 01

  Do you want an olive?

• 43:14Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't like olives, I hate olives. I love olive oil. Love it. Don't like an olive.

• 43:19Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 43:20Conan O'Brien?

  Little fun fact about me and that's gonna light up the internet.

• 43:22Speaker 01

  Wow. Don't ever say I never set you up for anything.

• 43:28Speaker 03

  You like an olive?

• 43:31Conan O'Brien?

  Drives home, "Oh, I earned my money tonight."

• 43:36Speaker 01

  Comedy goldmine.

• 43:37Conan O'Brien?

  Back to hacienda heights.

• 43:39Speaker 01

  Ew. H squared, baby.

• 43:42Conan O'Brien?

  H squared, baby, all the way.

• 43:44Speaker 01

  H squared.

• 43:45Conan O'Brien?

  Where do you live now?

• 43:46Speaker 01

  Pasadena.

• 43:47Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, give an address.

• 43:49Speaker 01

  Pasadena, what?

• 43:50Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just saying.

• 43:51Speaker 01

  My address?

• 43:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, people like to visit you.

• 43:53Speaker 01

  I'm not gonna give you my address.

• 43:54Conan O'Brien?

  Very cold. Oh, you've gone, become one of those, huh? All right.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  People who like their privacy? Yeah. Yeah.

• 44:04Speaker 01

  That's all I got.

• 44:05Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 44:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:06Conan O'Brien?

  Little wasted. Yeah, Matt, what you got?

• 44:08Speaker 02

  Well, we have some questions from the audience that have been pre-selected. Do you wanna go to those?

• 44:14Conan O'Brien?

  Sure, I'll take any questions.

• 44:15Speaker 02

  Okay, we're gonna bring those people up right now, here to the front mic.

• 44:18Conan O'Brien?

  Usually on the show, sometimes we take questions off of a voicemail, but since we have a live audience, we thought, let's cut through the middleman.

• 44:25Speaker 02

  That's right, this is Catherine, correct? Hi Catherine.

• 44:27Conan O'Brien?

  What is your name?

• 44:28Speaker 01

  Catherine.

• 44:29Conan O'Brien?

  Catherine, and where are you from, Catherine?

• 44:30Speaker 01

  I'm from Canada.

• 44:32Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, well, that's a pretty big place. Which part of Canada?

• 44:34Speaker 01

  A small town called Maple Ridge, near Vancouver.

• 44:37Conan O'Brien?

  Let's just say Canada.

• 44:39Speaker 01

  Oh, Canada.

• 44:42Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, drinky, drinky winky, that's great, Sona.

• 44:45Speaker 02

  My home on native land. Stand beside it and guide it. How's it go?

• 44:52Conan O'Brien?

  You saying they ripped him off? I'm so sorry. I tried to let you have the floor and then they took over. How can I help you?

• 44:59Speaker 01

  That's okay, it's a very serious question. If you could switch legs with any animal, what would it be and why?

• 45:05Conan O'Brien?

  I'm sorry, switch legs with any animal?

• 45:08Speaker 02

  That's my best question we've ever gotten.

• 45:10Conan O'Brien?

  This, that is a spectacular question.

• 45:12Speaker 02

  That is great.

• 45:13Conan O'Brien?

  Did you ask that because of my leg to torso ratio? Which is famously way off.

• 45:21Speaker 01

  No.

• 45:21Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 45:23Speaker 02

  What animals on your shirt? Because I feel like you're trying to direct us in it.

• 45:27Speaker 01

  I'm not, but I think it's a snake or a dragon.

• 45:29Speaker 02

  Oh, snake, okay, again, helpful.

• 45:34Speaker 01

  You already have animal legs, kind of.

• 45:36Conan O'Brien?

  I know, I feel like I already do. I feel like I have, like ostrich legs.

• 45:41Speaker 02

  That's what I was thinking.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  Flamingo.

• 45:43Conan O'Brien?

  I have very long legs. I think if I could switch, I would go for even longer legs. You know what I mean?

• 45:49Speaker 02

  Like, what would that be?

• 45:50Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. Um, what's got the longest legs in nature? Giraffe? Giraffe has long legs. I might just go for even longer, to make my human body even more of a parody. Uh, so I might go for that. I might go for really long. Did you have any thoughts in this area? Feel free to jump in.

• 46:07Speaker 01

  I did think you might say flamingo, because it's kind of similar to the, you know...

• 46:10Conan O'Brien?

  They have very thin legs.

• 46:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:12Conan O'Brien?

  I think they would snap very quickly. Do you know what I mean? I'm very athletic, I run around a lot. I perform a lot of athletic maneuvers, and I think, uh...

• 46:22Speaker 02

  No one who does any sport ever says athletic maneuvers.

• 46:25Conan O'Brien?

  I am quite...

• 46:26Speaker 01

  I do a lot of athletic maneuvers.

• 46:27Conan O'Brien?

  Quite the jockster. And I think it would be dangerous for me to have flamingo legs. I need... A giraffe has stronger legs, worthy of me. And also spotted, and I am spotted, so... My body is... No one wants to hear about this, but my nude body is covered in freckles.

• 46:44Speaker 01

  Oh, come on!

• 46:45Conan O'Brien?

  Even parts that never see the sun, riddled with freckles. Which I've been told by my dermatologist, who has since retired at 35, because didn't want to see me naked anymore, that my nude body was a horror show. So, I'm going to say, uh, yes, it will match the rest of me. Entire body naked, freckled.

• 47:04Speaker 01

  Perfect, thank you.

• 47:05Speaker 02

  Thank you, Catherine.

• 47:06Conan O'Brien?

  Well, she cannot wait to get out of here. Look at her! She's hailing a cab right now. Next up is Nora. Hi Nora.

• 47:13Speaker 04

  Hello. Hi. Uh, my question for you is, when it comes to friendships, what is a green flag and what is a red flag?

• 47:21Conan O'Brien?

  Very nice. Okay, uh, a green flag is they've seen my work.

• 47:27Speaker 01

  Oh, man!

• 47:28Conan O'Brien?

  They're familiar with it, they know the whole oeuvre. So, yes, of course, they know the late night show, they're familiar with the, uh, Simpsons episodes, they even know some of my sketches on Saturday Night Live, but they also followed me through the Turner years, and they're a fan of the podcast.

• 47:40Speaker 02

  Ugh.

• 47:41Conan O'Brien?

  A red flag would be not really knowing the whole oeuvre.

• 47:47Conan O'Brien?

  Maybe just being a fan of late night but then losing touch. Or just knowing the HBO Max show but not really knowing the stuff before that.

• 47:54Speaker 02

  How do you have any friends?

• 47:56Conan O'Brien?

  I don't have any friends.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  He doesn't have any friends.

• 47:58Conan O'Brien?

  The name of this podcast is Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

• 48:02Speaker 02

  And it's real. I have since learned that it's real.

• 48:03Conan O'Brien?

  I have driven people away.

• 48:04Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 48:05Conan O'Brien?

  Would you like to add anything? Because I always like to find out more. Did you have any thoughts on this issue? What are your red flags? What are your green flags?

• 48:13Speaker 04

  Red... Well, green flags, I would say, you know, if a friend... Because I know this is a debate, especially in Los Angles. If a friend picks you up at LAX, that is a green flag.

• 48:23Conan O'Brien?

  You know, as we learned tonight from Bill Burr, it's way too depressing at LAX.

• 48:27Speaker 01

  We would not be friends.

• 48:28Speaker 02

  But don't you also think if you ask a friend to pick you up at LAX, that's a red flag?

• 48:32Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 48:33Speaker 04

  I mean, it depends on the friend, I guess.

• 48:36Conan O'Brien?

  I think picking someone up at LAX...

• 48:37Speaker 04

  It depends on how long you've been friends.

• 48:38Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 48:38Speaker 04

  It depends on how long you've been friends, I think. If it's someone you just met and we're like, "Oh, hey."

• 48:43Conan O'Brien?

  In an era of Uber, and there's just so many ways, there's so many ways to get from the airport. Putting that on someone, saying, "Can you..." It's up there with, "I have a wet couch that I want removed from my ninth-floor apartment." I don't even know why... Did you say wet? Yeah, it's wet. It's soaking wet. And I need you to help me move it.

• 49:03Speaker 02

  That's so specific, I'm worried that that's happened to you.

• 49:06Conan O'Brien?

  It happened two weeks ago, and we still don't know why it was wet. No, it just sounds very unpleasant.

• 49:12Speaker 01

  No, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't even pick tack up from the airport.

• 49:15Conan O'Brien?

  And what's your...

• 49:16Speaker 01

  It's my husband. I love him.

• 49:18Conan O'Brien?

  So that's a green flag. What's a red flag? And don't say "not be willing to take you to the..." Get to your person.

• 49:26Speaker 04

  Maybe like leaving you on red for texts, like never hearing back from them.

• 49:31Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, ghosting you.

• 49:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 49:33Conan O'Brien?

  See, I knew the term, ghosting.

• 49:34Speaker 01

  That's impressive. I'm proud of you. You're doing it.

• 49:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, well, ever since Benny Blanco slid into my DMs.

• 49:39Speaker 01

  Don't do that. Don't do that.

• 49:42Conan O'Brien?

  I learned that phrase so I could sound cool. Benny Blanco has never slid into my DMs, and I don't know how he would.

• 49:47Speaker 01

  He's never going to either.

• 49:48Conan O'Brien?

  No, he's never going to, but I'm going to keep saying it until people think that I know what's going on in the world. Yeah, I, uh... I don't know about that. Yeah, ghosting people was... But the other thing, too, is when someone sends you a text, there's this immediate expectation that you're going to respond right away, and I don't like that. I don't like that. I like the olden days. Olden times when a letter would arrive and I would open it with my letter opener. And I would read it to my wife who's suffering with cholera. And fog is rolling in. And there's a little peep fire and I read the letter and then I think I shall respond but first a trip, a trip down to the waters. And then maybe a couple of weeks later I write back.

• 50:33Conan O'Brien?

  That's, I'm from another time. I'm from a time when people responded and this thing now where someone just texts you at four in the morning like

• 50:42Conan O'Brien?

  and then you're supposed to text right back, yeah. And you don't? Criminal, criminal. I won't participate in this new world we're in. I object, I object. I object, I object. I object. And you're with me, aren't you?

• 51:00Speaker 04

  Well, I didn't say timeframe, as long as you respond at some point, it's just when you don't hear anything.

• 51:04Speaker 01

  I lost track of what you were talking about. Like, were you saying?

• 51:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you just had two cocktails.

• 51:10Speaker 01

  No, no, were you saying that ghosting is wrong or people don't respond quickly enough?

• 51:15Conan O'Brien?

  I think you should have a seven month period to respond to a text.

• 51:17Speaker 01

  What?

• 51:18Conan O'Brien?

  And until that seven months has elapsed, you have not ghosted them. Not at all.

• 51:22Speaker 04

  I don't know if it's a time sensitive text, though.

• 51:25Conan O'Brien?

  Like, um, your eggs are ready?

• 51:27Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 51:32Conan O'Brien?

  Your poached eggs are ready.

• 51:34Speaker 04

  Wonderful example, yes, yes.

• 51:35Conan O'Brien?

  My wife, this is true, she does it all the time, she'll text me in the house. Like dinners, I don't keep my phone on me. I wander the house like a nomad. A man free of his phone. And she'll say, I sent you a text that dinner was ready. What is this? You must shout up the stairs the way my mother did in our house.

• 51:56Speaker 01

  I was gonna say, I feel like you guys are different because you're probably like, oh, I was always shouting in the house. And she was like a lot more sophisticated.

• 52:04Conan O'Brien?

  When she shouts in the house, I also complain. I complain no matter what she does.

• 52:08Speaker 01

  Oh, good, okay, that's good.

• 52:09Conan O'Brien?

  It's a no win situation for any wife of mine.

• 52:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:12Conan O'Brien?

  Well, glad I got that off my chest.

• 52:15Speaker 02

  Thank you for your question.

• 52:15Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you Nora.

• 52:16Speaker 01

  Red flag and green flag.

• 52:18Speaker 02

  Red flag.

• 52:20Conan O'Brien?

  Welcome John. Hello.

• 52:22Speaker 05

  Thank you, I was gonna say welcome back, that's not right. It's like when you're at the drive-through line, I shouldn't do that. Hello Conan.

• 52:29Conan O'Brien?

  You've got a tight 10 minutes you're gonna do right now.

• 52:31Speaker 05

  I know, I'm so sorry.

• 52:32Speaker 02

  Who are these people?

• 52:34Speaker 05

  It's a long walk. I was getting worried.

• 52:38Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, how are you, what is your name?

• 52:39Speaker 05

  Good, I'm John.

• 52:40Conan O'Brien?

  Good, okay.

• 52:41Speaker 05

  Nice to see you all.

• 52:42Conan O'Brien?

  It's good to see you too.

• 52:43Speaker 02

  Nice to see you.

• 52:44Conan O'Brien?

  You're very performative, I like that. You have a, almost a Shakespearean vibe about you, I love it.

• 52:49Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 52:50Conan O'Brien?

  You just entered, this is the scene where...

• 52:51Speaker 05

  I'm always envisioning a skull in my hand while I speak.

• 52:54Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, now I'm scared.

• 52:57Speaker 05

  Yeah, but probably smart. So yeah, I have a question.

• 53:01Conan O'Brien?

  You're waving at us as if you're angry. As if this question wasn't even one you wrote.

• 53:06Speaker 05

  I did write it, thankfully, I think. So...

• 53:10Speaker 02

  Johnny, you okay?

• 53:12Speaker 05

  I'm okay. I was totally fine, and then something about the past few steps, I was like, oh god. I'm walking up to speak with Conan and Sona and Matt and Jimmy Valino and the band.

• 53:23Conan O'Brien?

  But you know what, you shouldn't feel that way. They're just people.

• 53:29Speaker 02

  And he's a monster.

• 53:31Conan O'Brien?

  But an elevated monster, on an ivory throne. Please, fire away.

• 53:36Speaker 05

  So Conan, you've become a magnet for cameo appearances in movies.

• 53:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 53:42Speaker 05

  Thinking throughout history, if you could slot yourself into any movie, which would you choose and why?

• 53:48Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 53:48Conan O'Brien?

  Wow, that's very good, that's an excellent question.

• 53:51Speaker 05

  Thank you so much.

• 53:52Speaker 01

  Deep throat.

• 53:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 53:53Speaker 02

  What?

• 53:58Speaker 02

  Wow. Soda.

• 54:03Speaker 01

  Not me.

• 54:03Speaker 02

  It's paying off, the drinks are paying off.

• 54:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you're answering for me, me and Deep Throat.

• 54:08Speaker 01

  I would say, you, cause you would be so...

• 54:10Conan O'Brien?

  You know, I'm gonna go with that.

• 54:10Speaker 01

  Cause you would be so uncomfortable, and it would be really funny.

• 54:13Conan O'Brien?

  Or I'd get into it.

• 54:13Speaker 01

  No, you don't think you'd get into it, I think you'd be really uncomfortable. You'd be like, ugh guys.

• 54:18Conan O'Brien?

  What do you mean, what would I be doing?

• 54:20Speaker 01

  You'd be like, ugh guys, do you know her name? Are you okay, ma'am, are you okay? Can I help, can I get you any water? That's what you would be doing.

• 54:28Conan O'Brien?

  I'd be offering her wa- Wait, but is he not playing Deep Throat?

• 54:33Speaker 01

  What?

• 54:34Conan O'Brien?

  You think I'm the one who's...

• 54:36Speaker 02

  Well, you said Deep Throat.

• 54:38Conan O'Brien?

  No, she meant the movie, not the character.

• 54:40Speaker 01

  No, John's saying what cameo.

• 54:41Conan O'Brien?

  But you immediately put me as the one who's on the receiving end.

• 54:44Speaker 02

  Yes, I did.

• 54:46Conan O'Brien?

  Good lord!

• 54:47Speaker 02

  But I meant Deep Throat.

• 54:48Conan O'Brien?

  But yes to that, too. I'll do whatever it takes to make it in this business. I gotta get to the top, and I don't care what I do. I gotta put money on the... in the bank, uh, food on the table.

• 55:01Speaker 01

  Uh, no, sorry. I didn't mean to...

• 55:03Conan O'Brien?

  No, I can't think of anything else now.

• 55:05Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm sorry.

• 55:06Conan O'Brien?

  I'm obsessed.

• 55:07Speaker 01

  I'm sorry. You meant like a cameo, like what movie would you wanna be in?

• 55:13Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, man. Wow, that's a really good question.

• 55:15Speaker 02

  You could play Deep Throat in All the President's Men, where you're in the, you know, the Hal Holbrook in the parking garage.

• 55:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, Hal Holbrook in the parking lot, yeah. No, that's terrible. You just lost the crowd.

• 55:28Conan O'Brien?

  You can't see this at home, and maybe you can, they're filing out.

• 55:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:31Conan O'Brien?

  Wow, that's a really good question. Um, I would love to be... You know what? One of my favorite scenes of all time is, uh, one of the Pink Panther movies with Peter Sellers, and I just watched it again the other night where, and I can't remember, there are so many Pink Panther movies, but he, uh, is getting ready to, uh, interrogate the staff of an English manor, and he's upstairs, and he jumps on the parallel bars, and then he dismounts and falls down a flight of stairs, completely humiliates himself, but shoots up and then starts interrogating the entire staff, and, um, there's like a police... there's a butler who's just there watching it all, realizing what a fool Clouseau is, and I would just love to be that guy. I would love to have been in a scene with

• 56:14Conan O'Brien?

  Peter Sellers as Clouseau. That would be my dream, and just be the straight man watching Clouseau completely humiliate himself. Uh, it's one of my favorite scenes in any comedy of all time. So I'll say that. And then, Deep Throat.

• 56:28Speaker 01

  Yeah!

• 56:29Conan O'Brien?

  And I'll do whatever it takes. I just wanna work in the business.

• 56:32Speaker 02

  Thank you so much.

• 56:33Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you so much. Uh, we have time for one last question. Jasmine. Hi, Jasmine.

• 56:38Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 56:39Conan O'Brien?

  How are you?

• 56:39Speaker 01

  I'm good. That's my husband, that's John. Oh!

• 56:43Conan O'Brien?

  Really?

• 56:43Speaker 01

  The crazy one.

• 56:44Conan O'Brien?

  Wait a minute, did you know that he was gonna go up first?

• 56:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:47Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. Did you ever say like, "Let me go first," or something like that?

• 56:51Speaker 01

  I tried, he wouldn't let me.

• 56:53Conan O'Brien?

  Interesting, interesting, wow, okay, I don't like that.

• 56:59Conan O'Brien?

  Have a little couples counseling with me sometime, okay?

• 57:01Speaker 01

  So, I'm a middle school, 6th to 8th grade, history teacher.

• 57:05Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, good for you, I love teachers. I love it.

• 57:09Speaker 01

  And I'm always looking for ways to make history fun and engaging for the kids, and I know that you're a big history buff as well. So, my question is, if you were to take over my job for a day, what fun and exciting things would you do with the kids to get them also excited about history?

• 57:26Conan O'Brien?

  Well, knowing me, I would probably dress as a historical figure.

• 57:30Speaker 01

  Yes, I've done that.

• 57:31Conan O'Brien?

  Just for my own amusement, and I'd come in and I'd want to be that character, and inhabit that character, and answer questions. I would need to turn it into an over-the-top performance, and maybe I'd have several costume changes where I'm different characters. They might hate it, they probably would, but I would just do that. I would do that, and there's no stopping me from doing that. And I would make it, I would be asking afterwards, "How many laughs did I get?" And you'd be saying, "That's not important, they really needed to learn about, you know, what happened at the Battle of Trafalgar." And I'd say, "But how many laughs did I get?"

• 58:03Speaker 01

  Oh my god!

• 58:05Conan O'Brien?

  And, so it would probably be detrimental to the class. I would recommend to them what I think is the best podcast in the world, which is The Rest Is History. It's a podcast that's made in London, and it's with these two amazing hosts, Tom Holland and Dominic Senbrough, and they talk about history, and they're really funny, and they tell you these stories, and I, there's like 800 episodes, and I may have listened to half of them. It's everything a podcast should be, or else included. It is informative, but also really funny, and it's stories, and that's all history is. And so, I'm very passionate about it, and I think, some people tune out when you say,

• 58:48Conan O'Brien?

  "Oh, let's talk about history," or "You should study history." They're stories, they're the best stories.

• 58:53Speaker 01

  I'm sorry, I just felt like the right time, I'm sorry.

• 58:57Conan O'Brien?

  I hate it here.

• 59:00Conan O'Brien?

  I really hate it here. I blame the Fonda. Those pathetic stars out on the sidewalk. They're like Post-its. They peel them up at night. That's what I would do. But anyway, yeah, I mean, I'll give it a shot with your students someday. Maybe we could try it. What, how old are they? Uh, sixth, eighth grade. So they're like- Oh, they're gonna hate me. Ten to thirteen.

• 59:17Speaker 01

  That's tough. Yeah, that's a tough age.

• 59:19Conan O'Brien?

  That's a tough age. They're probably gonna- I'm gonna do my bit and then, as I'm dressed as Napoleon, they're gonna beat the shit out of me in the parking lot.

• 59:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:26Conan O'Brien?

  They're just gonna whale on me. You're just gonna see a guy in a paper hat getting wailed on. His long, giraffe-like legs fluttering in the breeze.

• 59:36Speaker 01

  You're gonna get cyberbullied.

• 59:38Conan O'Brien?

  I'll be cyberbullied?

• 59:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:39Conan O'Brien?

  I don't even know, yeah. I'll have to, my wife will help me get online so I can be cyberbullied. I'm one of those guys that needs help getting cyberbullied. Can someone assist?

• 59:49Conan O'Brien?

  My manhood is going to be questioned, but I can't get online! Well, it was very nice to meet you. Thank you. I like you, you're a nice person, and you're doing great work. Thank you for doing that. Thank you.

• 59:59Speaker 02

  Thank you, Jasmine.

• 1:00:01Speaker 01

  Sorry, I didn't mean to. History is important.

• 1:00:04Conan O'Brien?

  You stink. You're just a- You're a terrible person. You know I really don't love you. Um, no, no. Son of, what we have is, should be bottled and sold as some sort of-

• 1:00:16Speaker 02

  Poison.

• 1:00:17Conan O'Brien?

  Exactly.

• 1:00:19Conan O'Brien?

  That was really nice. I've had a really good time tonight.

• 1:00:21Speaker 01

  I did too.

• 1:00:22Conan O'Brien?

  Have you guys had a good time? Are you okay?

• 1:00:25Speaker 02

  Quite a ride. Quite a ride. Isn't that quite a ride?

• 1:00:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, quite a ride.

• 1:00:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:30Conan O'Brien?

  What do you mean?

• 1:00:31Speaker 02

  It's a roller coaster.

• 1:00:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 1:00:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:33Conan O'Brien?

  Lots of different emotions.

• 1:00:35Speaker 01

  Um, how was New York?

• 1:00:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:39Conan O'Brien?

  Good night, everybody. Sonam of Sessian, Matt Gourley. I love him. You know it, I know it, no matter what I say.

• 1:00:49Speaker 02

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 1:01:09Speaker 02

  Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.