#114 - Kate Berlant

Kate Berlant joins the pod for another special episode in Los Angeles to discuss horrible auditions, hilarious typecasts, bad trips, chimney sweep grudges, chill parents, and more. Kate and Stav help callers including a woman who is getting Super Liked on every dating platform by her ex's best friend, and a salesman whose retail client is a child agent hounding him to get his baby in commercials. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code STAVVY to score $200 IN BONUS BETS INSTANTLY when you bet just $5. For more info, visit https://www.draftkings.com/ Visit https://mintmobile.com/stavvy to get a 3-month premium wireless plan for just $15/month. Get a refreshing Twisted Tea today. Keep It Twisted!! Visit https://www.twistedtea.com/locations to find Twisted Tea near you. See Kate Berlant live and follow her on social media: https://kateberlant.com/ https://www.instagram.com/kateberlant/ https://x.com/kateberlant Check out Kate Berlant's podcast Berlant & Novak with Jacqueline Novak: https://berlantnovak.supercast.com/ Watch Kate Berlant's standup special Cinnamon in the Wind on Hulu: https://www.hulu.com/series/kate-berlant-cinnamon-in-the-wind-c09647b5-fa7a-4116-b4b0-a2489e47cfc8 Watch Would It Kill You to Laugh, Kate Berlant's sketch comedy special with John Early: https://www.peacocktv.com/watch-online/movies/would-it-kill-you-to-laugh-starring-kate-berlant-and-john-early 🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets 🎥 Rent or buy LET'S START A CULT at https://stavvy.biz/movie ‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld ☎️ Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This podcast is supported by Nurtec ODT, Remedy Pant. We know you didn't ask for an interruption, but migraine doesn't wait for the right moment to interrupt either. It just barges in, takes your time, and throws everything off. So when migraine takes your time, take Nurtec. It's for the acute treatment of migraine with or without aura in adults. Nurtec can provide pain relief in two hours, which can last up to two days. Ask your healthcare provider if Nurtec is right for you, because your time is for you, not migraine. Don't take if allergic to Nurtec ODT. Allergic reactions can occur even days after use. Get help right away for trouble breathing, rash, swelling of face, mouth, tongue, or throat. High blood pressure and Raynaud's syndrome can occur. Get help for high blood pressure, numbness, coolness, pain,

• 0:45Speaker 00

  or color changes in fingers and toes. Common side effect is nausea. For full prescribing information, call 1-833-4-NURTEC or visit Nurtec.com. All right, back to your podcast, playlist, or whatever's keeping you going today.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  At Lowe's, this Veterans Day and every day, military members, veterans, and their spouses get automatic MyLowe's Rewards Silver Status Benefits. Plus, 10% off eligible purchases with no annual limit. It's one way we honor and give back to those who have served and still do. Learn more and verify now at Lowe's.com/military. 10% discount can't be combined with another offer. Exclusions, terms, and conditions apply. Loyalty program subject to terms and conditions. Details at Lowe's.com/TERMS. Subject to change.

• 1:31Stavros Halkias?

  Hello, everybody. Huge news. Let's start a cult. The movie that I made with my buddies Wes and Ben is out on Hulu. It's been acquired by Hulu. It comes out February 4th on Hulu. If you haven't seen it yet, go watch it. If you already have seen it yet and you have Hulu, just stream it. Let's run these numbers up, baby. If this thing does well there, maybe they'll let us make another fucking movie. We're counting on you, so please watch it. And please enjoy this episode of Stabby's World with the great Kate Berlant.

• 2:02Stavros Halkias?

  Welcome, everybody, to Stav's World. 904-800-Stav. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We're back in our LA, the LA edition. Just a little something at our home here in, what, Bad Ladder Studios? Shout out to Mo, the elusive Mo, you'll never see his face. He lets us in, he leaves. We got LD making the trip. Oh, yeah. And we're very happy to have Kate Berlant. Kate, thanks for coming.

• 2:29Speaker 03

  Thanks for having me. Suddenly, I'm like, where do the girls put their purses? Do I just have it here?

• 2:34Stavros Halkias?

  You're the first woman we've ever had on the show.

• 2:36Speaker 03

  I know. Hey, we're gonna get into that, by the way.

• 2:41Stavros Halkias?

  Thanks for coming, bud.

• 2:43Speaker 03

  So happy to be here.

• 2:44Stavros Halkias?

  Thrilled to have you. Yes. Yeah, we were taking a little jaunt here. Beautiful weather here in Los Angeles.

• 2:51Speaker 03

  Today's particularly beautiful, I should say.

• 2:53Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, and we're spending it podcasting. That's what's nice.

• 2:56Speaker 03

  You want to be inside in the artificial glow.

• 2:59Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, in beautiful Greece.

• 3:01Speaker 03

  I know, I've never been.

• 3:03Stavros Halkias?

  Never been to Greece.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  Top three list for me of where I want to go.

• 3:07Stavros Halkias?

  What, you're half-Spanish?

• 3:09Speaker 03

  I pass for, people think I'm from Greece sometimes.

• 3:11Stavros Halkias?

  100% you could be Greek.

• 3:12Speaker 03

  I pass Italian.

• 3:13Stavros Halkias?

  No, no.

• 3:14Speaker 03

  Lord knows, I pass Jew. I am, because I am. So, we used to have people that go, "You're Jewish, yeah?" And I go, "Okay, let's relax." Yes, I am.

• 3:23Stavros Halkias?

  It's like, come on, have that thought in your head.

• 3:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, but Mediterranean.

• 3:28Stavros Halkias?

  No, for sure, you could definitely go Mediterranean.

• 3:29Speaker 03

  My mom is Spanish, so, Spanish, and then also just Jew.

• 3:33Stavros Halkias?

  Sure, sure. And in that mix, you get Greek. Honestly, you mix Spanish and Jew, you do get, you do get Greek.

• 3:38Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 3:39Stavros Halkias?

  It's like the color, remember they would teach you colors as a little kid? Like, green and yellow make blue.

• 3:45Speaker 03

  I get fed that on my Instagram feed, and it's like, where it's just like paints being mixed?

• 3:49Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 3:50Speaker 03

  Like, it's just like, you put this, I think, is it?

• 3:52Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. It is calming. I like it.

• 3:55Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 3:56Stavros Halkias?

  Mine is pathetic. My, I don't even want to tell people. It's exactly, I mean, the amount that I go to search for something on Instagram, and it's just some woman who doesn't even have, like, real proportions.

• 4:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:07Stavros Halkias?

  Like, looks like an anime person, but it's real life, and it's just like, I'm just like... They're just like doing a chore but their tits are bouncing. I'm like, who, what friend was I gonna DM? And I literally, it's so sad.

• 4:20Speaker 03

  I get some of those.

• 4:21Stavros Halkias?

  And I'm like, it has happened to me legitimately like forty times in a row. And I, I'm like, what the, and I'll just, it just, it's so pathetic where you're like, oh, I'm a fucking caveman. I can't help it. I'm one of the dumbest guys alive. And the, the algorithm is getting me.

• 4:36Speaker 03

  And those, I know when it hits you, your exact interest. I get like, like I, I opened it up yesterday. It was like a couple, both no legs, like in first class. And I was like, that is kind of what I want to see. Yeah. I get like, you know, people with like crazy, like, you know, like stuff.

• 4:53Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah. And they're just dancing.

• 4:54Speaker 03

  And they're doing makeup. Yeah.

• 4:57Stavros Halkias?

  You know what? Yeah.

• 4:57Speaker 03

  Look at her.

• 4:58Stavros Halkias?

  Good for you. You know, the internet's like, go ahead. Say something about it.

• 5:03Speaker 03

  Or fights. I get a lot of like fighting.

• 5:05Stavros Halkias?

  Fights is classic.

• 5:05Speaker 03

  There aren't as many, fighting, I get a lot on Twitter. A lot of fight videos on Instagram.

• 5:10Stavros Halkias?

  They don't like violence. They'll throw titties out there. They'll throw.

• 5:13Speaker 03

  But no, yeah.

• 5:14Stavros Halkias?

  No violence. Yeah. What's going on there? Let's get fights back in.

• 5:17Speaker 03

  Interesting.

• 5:18Stavros Halkias?

  The internet was built on bum fights.

• 5:21Speaker 03

  Drive-through fights.

• 5:22Stavros Halkias?

  Drive-through fights. Waffle house. Waffle house fights. Classic stuff.

• 5:26Speaker 03

  Have you seen, I, I get the same video over and over and then I watch it every time. So that's why they keep feeding it to me. Where it's like, you know, it's like a guy in court goes after his mother's murder and it's him like, and the whole family's like, and every time my adrenaline, I go, I go, guys, I've already seen this. I watch it again. And I get a little hit.

• 5:43Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, that's fucking awesome. Good for you, man. Fuck that guy.

• 5:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:48Stavros Halkias?

  I know. I love, I know, I love seeing revenge happen.

• 5:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:52Stavros Halkias?

  It's nice.

• 5:53Speaker 03

  But the fake ones, the act outs where it's like, there's a lot of those on the plane now where it's like, hey, it's like a guy like, and then you, it's clearly completely a fabrication.

• 6:01Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 6:02Speaker 03

  And then people are in the comments going like, this is not okay.

• 6:04Stavros Halkias?

  Fake.

• 6:05Speaker 03

  No, no, people are responding.

• 6:06Stavros Halkias?

  They buy it.

• 6:07Speaker 03

  A lot of them, they buy.

• 6:08Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. It's funny when you see people who clearly have rented a fake private plane or like a, a plane set.

• 6:14Speaker 03

  They're all empty. Exactly. I just saw one of those.

• 6:16Stavros Halkias?

  They'll make a fight.

• 6:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:18Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I was that, were you an early internet user? Did you get it? Cause we didn't have the internet in my family. We were a dial up family.

• 6:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:24Stavros Halkias?

  And I didn't get it till late. And I'm like, you know, my first, it was all AOL.

• 6:29Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 6:30Stavros Halkias?

  But we didn't get it till late.

• 6:31Speaker 03

  Same, dial up for sure.

• 6:33Stavros Halkias?

  Mm hmm.

• 6:33Speaker 03

  And yeah, I mean, I didn't, I guess I signed up for Facebook when I was 18.

• 6:38Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, wow. Fresh, right? As soon as you get to college, you get that. I remember thinking Facebook, I was like, nah, I'm gonna put my face. I'm making fun of my, making fun of my cousin who was like in college. I was like, you fucking idiot, you dumb bitch. You put your name and your face on there. They're gonna steal your identity.

• 6:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:57Stavros Halkias?

  You know what I mean? And that was like.

• 6:58Speaker 03

  I still harbor like deep superstition. Like my relationships technology is so superstitious and it's like very, like I don't, for example, we'll get into it. Maybe if I want to.

• 7:08Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 7:08Speaker 03

  I did my first Kate Berlant public one star Google review.

• 7:13Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, you did your own?

• 7:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:15Stavros Halkias?

  You got your own?

• 7:16Speaker 03

  No, I reviewed a business.

• 7:17Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, with your name?

• 7:21Stavros Halkias?

  You don't even have a burner? You use your fucking name? That's awesome.

• 7:26Speaker 03

  By the way, it's completely earnest.

• 7:27Stavros Halkias?

  Honestly, huge respect.

• 7:29Speaker 03

  I want everyone to know my, if my laughing seems strange, I'm having my very first adult TMJ flare up. So.

• 7:35Stavros Halkias?

  Sorry to hear it.

• 7:36Speaker 03

  Laughter and smiling, it's like actually kind of hurting.

• 7:38Stavros Halkias?

  Wow, you're playing to the pain.

• 7:40Speaker 03

  Well, here's what I'll fucking say.

• 7:41Stavros Halkias?

  Please.

• 7:43Speaker 03

  The cause of my jaw pain is the stress that was induced by a faulty business interaction.

• 7:48Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, that's what the one star gets, yes.

• 7:50Speaker 03

  Beyond.

• 7:51Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 7:51Speaker 03

  Oh, my God.

• 7:52Stavros Halkias?

  Will you say the business or you don't want?

• 7:54Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 7:54Stavros Halkias?

  Let's put them on blast.

• 7:55Speaker 03

  A couple of days ago, I went, cause I'll just say this, I'm gonna get, I'm deciding in real time, I'm gonna tell you everything.

• 8:00Stavros Halkias?

  I love it, I love it.

• 8:01Speaker 03

  I don't get too excited.

• 8:02Stavros Halkias?

  Your own pace, at your own pace.

• 8:04Speaker 03

  But a few days ago, cause it was about two days of me really being obsessed about this.

• 8:08Stavros Halkias?

  Mm hmm.

• 8:08Speaker 03

  And then I go, I'm releasing it. I go, it's not good. And karmically, you know, I go, and I was talking to my friend, cause it was business I'd called nine times and they called me back and then they blocked me. But the point is, my friend goes, she was like, it's bad. You're texting them, one of the guys that works there looks down at his phone, he's driving, he dies, right? It's kind of like, okay. And I was like. Right, like, let it go.

• 8:29Stavros Halkias?

  And there's also the old, like, the only person you're hurting with a grudge is yourself.

• 8:33Speaker 03

  I know, I know.

• 8:34Stavros Halkias?

  You know, that, which I fully don't buy. I love, I, I still love revenge. Like I said, this is how we started. We like seeing that guy kill, punch his mom's murderer. I would have liked to shoot him, if you shoot him in the head. Good, no problem.

• 8:48Speaker 03

  I mean, hello, now, what's his head?

• 8:50Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that was pretty cool.

• 8:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:52Stavros Halkias?

  That was honestly pretty cool.

• 8:54Speaker 03

  The hot guy, taking him out.

• 8:55Stavros Halkias?

  Sexy, sexy assassin.

• 8:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:57Stavros Halkias?

  Um, yeah, hopefully, well, the official Stavvy's World stance is it's bad to kill CEOs.

• 9:06Stavros Halkias?

  Want that on the record. Don't kill any healthcare CEOs.

• 9:10Speaker 03

  And I, and I, and I, yeah.

• 9:13Stavros Halkias?

  Leaves the whole world blind.

• 9:14Speaker 03

  I know, but I'll just say.

• 9:16Stavros Halkias?

  So, this business wronged you?

• 9:19Speaker 03

  I have been wronged by a chimney sweep.

• 9:21Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, chimney sweep?

• 9:24Speaker 03

  I have been, so, hang on, some context.

• 9:26Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 9:27Speaker 03

  I had, a couple of years ago.

• 9:30Stavros Halkias?

  Did you fucking travel back in time? You traveled to Victorian England?

• 9:34Speaker 03

  So, a couple of years ago, I should want to say a couple of years ago, I had a transcendent chimney sweeping career.

• 9:41Speaker 03

  This guy.

• 9:42Stavros Halkias?

  So, this guy, this, whoever wronged you was also following an impossible standard, it sounds like.

• 9:47Speaker 03

  Well, I go, if this were my first sweep, maybe I'd go.

• 9:50Stavros Halkias?

  I guess this is what getting a chimney sweep is like, yeah.

• 9:53Speaker 03

  So, I'll just say, and, okay, this is what's interesting to me.

• 9:56Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 9:56Speaker 03

  The guy called me on the phone, I made the appointment with Mr. Chimney. Hey, guys. Which, by the way, if you look it up, their office is like a residence, like, it's scary.

• 10:03Stavros Halkias?

  Bad, bad sign.

• 10:04Speaker 03

  And I take ownership for this, someone recommended to me, the chimney guy. I got it mixed and went, Mr. Chimney. Which is, I mean, that's, it's like, all these things, it's like.

• 10:13Stavros Halkias?

  They knew what they were doing. The chi, first of all, that should be illegal.

• 10:16Speaker 03

  They're getting run off from the chimney guy.

• 10:18Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, the chimney guy's up here, Mr. Chimney, yeah. Like, I knew, there was a comedian, a really shitty, well, whatever you want to say about him. There was a comedian who bought a, a website, russelpeters.com, but one of the L's was an uppercase I.

• 10:34Stavros Halkias?

  Or some shit like that. And he would.

• 10:36Speaker 03

  Traffic.

• 10:37Stavros Halkias?

  And he would get tra- and he would pretend to be Russell Peters.

• 10:40Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 10:41Stavros Halkias?

  And say, hey, I'm booked, but you should check out my boy, who's awesome.

• 10:45Speaker 03

  Honestly genius.

• 10:46Stavros Halkias?

  And he just didn't know Russell Peters at all.

• 10:48Speaker 03

  That's amazing.

• 10:48Stavros Halkias?

  So anyway, that's what I think the chimney, or.

• 10:51Speaker 03

  Mr. Chimney.

• 10:52Stavros Halkias?

  See, even I don't, I can't even keep him straight.

• 10:54Speaker 03

  Mr. Chimney, and I'll say, this, I should, so my first time I scheduled with him, like, the day after, they're like, my technician's been in a car accident, he can't come. And I, and I texted back, oh my god, oh no, I'm so sorry, obviously, like, get back to me whenever. Didn't hear back the next day, I go, it's a little interesting, didn't hear back the next day, I go, I guess I'll call back.

• 11:09Stavros Halkias?

  Must be a bad accident.

• 11:10Speaker 03

  That was my mistake, I, I got back in.

• 11:12Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 11:12Speaker 03

  So, they, uh, this, they, well, here's what I was gonna say. The guy called me because he was early, he's like, hi, I'm here, early, I was like, okay, I'll be there with, you know, like, five minutes away. Full body, I don't like him, I don't like it.

• 11:25Stavros Halkias?

  The second he gives me.

• 11:26Speaker 03

  And I am a bit clairvoyant, I had his full body, I go, I don't trust him, something's off, it's bad, it's bad. It's hard to describe it. And, and I, I came there, it wasn't anything he said, it wasn't anything.

• 11:35Stavros Halkias?

  Just a general vibe issue.

• 11:37Speaker 03

  I will say, interesting note, is that, okay, anyway, he, he asked if my partner was Jewish, which I didn't really love. And they're not.

• 11:44Stavros Halkias?

  Well, listen, my father's a contractor, anytime a blue collar worker asks the religion of someone, not a good sign. I, I grew up around these guys, they, it wasn't because he's like, because I love that kind of person.

• 11:57Speaker 03

  I love it.

• 11:58Stavros Halkias?

  It's never that. He doesn't, he doesn't want to trade fucking, uh, dreidel stories, doesn't want to give you gelt.

• 12:05Speaker 03

  There is no gelt.

• 12:06Stavros Halkias?

  No.

• 12:06Speaker 03

  Disgust.

• 12:07Stavros Halkias?

  No.

• 12:08Speaker 03

  And so I'll just say this, this motherfucker, cleans my chimney, by the way, he's going, you're gonna need this sealant to protect against the rain, I go, ring me up, I don't want to talk about it, I'm, you think I know?

• 12:19Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 12:19Speaker 03

  I go, fire, I go, I'm scared, it's a chimney.

• 12:21Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 12:22Speaker 03

  I'm gonna cut to it.

• 12:23Stavros Halkias?

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:24Speaker 03

  Come back in, pay this guy, there is fucking soot.

• 12:28Stavros Halkias?

  Ah.

• 12:30Speaker 03

  On every surface.

• 12:31Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, no.

• 12:33Speaker 03

  Oh, really quick, when he came in, he starts, and I go, oh, do you have, like, additional drop cloths? I have a white fucking couch.

• 12:40Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, no.

• 12:41Speaker 03

  White curtains, I go, do you have, uh, he goes, oh, uh, no, no, it's fine, he's, and I go, alright, what am I gonna do?

• 12:47Stavros Halkias?

  You're the pro.

• 12:47Speaker 03

  I'm gonna.

• 12:48Stavros Halkias?

  You're the chimney guy.

• 12:49Speaker 03

  I go in the other room, I take a shower.

• 12:50Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 12:51Speaker 03

  Okay, I'm relaxing, my chimney's being swept, I come out.

• 12:57Speaker 03

  Something's amiss.

• 12:58Stavros Halkias?

  Everything's slate gray.

• 12:59Speaker 03

  I go like this to soot.

• 13:01Stavros Halkias?

  Tough.

• 13:02Speaker 03

  And I'm talking about in the hallway, in the other room.

• 13:04Stavros Halkias?

  Oh no.

• 13:05Speaker 03

  Soot, everywhere. So I start going, whoa, whoa, there's soot on everything. And then he's going, it's a dirty job. He goes, look at me. He goes, look at me. Well, yeah.

• 13:17Stavros Halkias?

  Lady, come on.

• 13:18Speaker 03

  He has soot on his nose, like a Dickens character. Anyway, I'm not a fighter.

• 13:23Stavros Halkias?

  He's got a top hat with the, there's no top.

• 13:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, he has one of them.

• 13:26Stavros Halkias?

  It's popped out, yeah.

• 13:27Speaker 03

  He did not have the right gear.

• 13:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:28Speaker 03

  And again, I'm not a fighter, I don't want to get, it makes me uncomfortable.

• 13:31Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 13:32Speaker 03

  But then I go, don't fuck me in my own home.

• 13:34Stavros Halkias?

  Of course, this is my house.

• 13:35Speaker 03

  You come in here, you spray soot around here?

• 13:36Stavros Halkias?

  You can't do that.

• 13:37Speaker 03

  And then, and so, he's, oh, well, this is the real great moment. I walk into the other hall, I walk into the hall, I come back, look at the bottom of my foot, it's black. Okay? I go, look, I go, he goes, maybe your house is dirty. I go, excuse me sweetheart? Oh sweetheart.

• 13:54Stavros Halkias?

  Oh no.

• 13:55Speaker 03

  So then, yeah. And, and, and I, the point is, I, I was up in the night.

• 14:02Stavros Halkias?

  So one stars are coming out.

• 14:03Speaker 03

  It's beyond, but I was up in the night going, why did I pay? Why did I, why did I let him leave? And then I go, well, this is when you really need a husband.

• 14:09Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 14:09Speaker 03

  Because I go, if my fucking husband were home.

• 14:12Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 14:13Speaker 03

  Would she be doing this to me? Hey bitch, you unmarried cunt.

• 14:16Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 14:17Speaker 03

  Now your house is dirty.

• 14:18Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need to, here's, here's, how about this? A service, rent a husband.

• 14:24Speaker 03

  I know.

• 14:25Stavros Halkias?

  You get a chimney sweep coming around.

• 14:26Speaker 03

  So that you don't get.

• 14:27Stavros Halkias?

  You get some big burly guy. Who knows what football players are.

• 14:30Speaker 03

  Honey, are you happy with the chimney sweep?

• 14:31Stavros Halkias?

  Hey pal, what the hell's going on out here?

• 14:32Speaker 03

  If I had been able to be like, Jeff? Would it have panned out differently?

• 14:38Stavros Halkias?

  Absolutely.

• 14:40Speaker 03

  So I'll just say I panicked, the guy goes, we'll knock off $200. And I let him leave.

• 14:45Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 14:45Speaker 03

  Full refund required. He leaves and then I, then I look around and I go, there's soot everywhere.

• 14:49Stavros Halkias?

  It's gonna cost more to get it. I believe you.

• 14:52Speaker 03

  I'll submit photo, the walls, the curtains, the soot, soot.

• 14:55Stavros Halkias?

  That's fucking brutal.

• 14:56Speaker 03

  I call a couch cleaner company, they go. This guy was great. Greg at something business.

• 15:00Stavros Halkias?

  Shout out to Greg.

• 15:01Speaker 03

  He was great. I go, and what is your name now? This is customer service. He goes to me, I'm not gonna lie to you.

• 15:06Stavros Halkias?

  I love the moment where you're trying, like, when you're trying to like, connect with a different business to just remind yourself, this isn't me.

• 15:14Speaker 03

  I love businesses.

• 15:16Stavros Halkias?

  I wanna talk, I wanna ask Greg, how is days going?

• 15:18Speaker 03

  I'm a chatter.

• 15:19Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 15:19Speaker 03

  I'm going, hey, I'm like, who needs water? Who needs cookies? Okay, I'm having fun with that, okay?

• 15:24Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 15:25Speaker 03

  So the, yeah.

• 15:25Stavros Halkias?

  You're bringing out the lemonade.

• 15:26Speaker 03

  The couch guy, I go, God, you've, can I just say, you have been so helpful? And he said to me, he goes, I'm not gonna lie to you, so it is maybe the most difficult thing.

• 15:33Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, no.

• 15:35Speaker 03

  So I start calling this business. So I call Mr. Chimney, ProStar Services, who Mr. Chimney like contracted to come to my house, whatever. The point is.

• 15:44Stavros Halkias?

  Well, we've got subcontract, it's a whole shell company.

• 15:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, I call Mr. Chimney. And then I get ProStar. ProStar, you look them up, their headquarters is a residence in Woodland Hills, just the house.

• 15:52Stavros Halkias?

  Just the guy's house.

• 15:53Speaker 03

  So, and I.

• 15:54Stavros Halkias?

  ProStar also means nothing.

• 15:56Speaker 03

  Well, by the way, I can't leave them, I can't leave Mr. Chimney or ProStar bad reviews on Yelp because they, I'm worried I'm gonna hit the wrong business. It's like, ProStar, there's like 18 different shells. I'm calling them going, do you clean chimneys? They go, no. So, so I'll just say, the night of the chimney sweep that it happened, I wake up the next morning. I must have been clenching my jaw.

• 16:17Stavros Halkias?

  All the stress is in the jaw. All the anger.

• 16:21Speaker 03

  I can't chew. My doctor sent to me two weeks off foods. I go, someone's gonna be a rail at the end of two weeks. No, but, but, only, yeah, no.

• 16:29Stavros Halkias?

  That's brutal. I'm so sorry.

• 16:31Speaker 03

  And so, yeah, I can't fully do my usual.

• 16:33Stavros Halkias?

  You're doing a great job, by the way.

• 16:34Speaker 03

  But I think, yeah, I think it's.

• 16:34Stavros Halkias?

  Playing through the pain.

• 16:35Speaker 03

  It's kinda good for me to be, actually on the way here, I go, I'm gonna get rolls, I'm gonna book from this. Because I always go too big, so instead I'm gonna go like this. It's gonna, like, if I, I bet my career would go through the fucking roof if I was like this.

• 16:46Stavros Halkias?

  Just a little more.

• 16:47Speaker 03

  Mr. Chimney, so.

• 16:48Stavros Halkias?

  A little more reserved.

• 16:48Speaker 03

  So, yeah, I, um, so the soot.

• 16:51Stavros Halkias?

  I'm really sorry to hear that, and fuck, I could say it, fuck Mr. Chimney. Take that. And you know how we said, don't murder CEOs? I'm not gonna, I'm not coming out and saying what to do to Mr. Chimney.

• 17:04Speaker 03

  And by the way, I actually, I actually played this game with myself. I go, do I want their business to crumble? Do I want them to go out of business? No. Do I want their children to go hungry? No.

• 17:13Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 17:13Speaker 03

  I want my money back and I want someone to say I'm sorry. Because, because I'll say this.

• 17:19Stavros Halkias?

  The moral, the wanting a fucking apology is so funny.

• 17:22Speaker 03

  Me wanting to be witnessed in my pay. That's why I go, that's why I said, Kate, let it go. Because I don't, I actually, it made me realize, I don't go through life like a victim. Like, I don't feel that feeling. The soot everywhere. I go, I am a victim.

• 17:34Stavros Halkias?

  Absolutely. You've been victimized by Mr. Chimney.

• 17:37Speaker 03

  Spoke to Jordan, hey bitch, if you're watching, a manager I happened to get on the phone after I called nine times and was blocked.

• 17:43Stavros Halkias?

  Right, right, right.

• 17:44Speaker 03

  And she didn't say sorry. And I said to her, by the way, I go-

• 17:46Stavros Halkias?

  No, sorry.

• 17:46Speaker 03

  Dread quote, I said, "You have no idea who you're dealing with."

• 17:49Stavros Halkias?

  Oh no. When you start doing this stuff that you're embarrassed about, when you start getting in the, do you know who my father is zone?

• 17:55Speaker 03

  I said, "I will bury you online." Then I couldn't find them.

• 18:01Speaker 03

  I go, "I'll take you to small claims." She goes, "Take us." I go-

• 18:05Stavros Halkias?

  Oh no. She's getting into it with you.

• 18:07Speaker 03

  I said, "Okay, this will be fun." And I hung up.

• 18:11Speaker 03

  And then I thought I was gonna put it to bed, but then here I have to talk about it.

• 18:13Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, of course.

• 18:14Speaker 03

  Because also the TMJ, so, really?

• 18:16Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 18:16Speaker 03

  Take them to court.

• 18:17Stavros Halkias?

  Now you can sue for damages.

• 18:19Speaker 03

  Damages?

• 18:19Stavros Halkias?

  TMJ damages, yeah. I'm gonna sue them. You're gonna be eighty, eighty-five percent. I thought I was booking full face range, Kate Berlin. I gotta deal with eighty percent soot Berlin.

• 18:30Speaker 03

  I can't go-

• 18:31Stavros Halkias?

  I'm suing Mr. Chimney.

• 18:32Speaker 03

  I can go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

• 18:36Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 18:37Speaker 03

  Anyway, I'm glad I got that.

• 18:38Stavros Halkias?

  Get it off your chest. And you know what? Hold on to a little resentment.

• 18:41Speaker 03

  So, what?

• 18:42Stavros Halkias?

  Just hold on to just a little resentment. Something, something little, a little bad. You said you're sort of clairvoyant. Do you have any other powers? Could you give them a flat tire even?

• 18:51Speaker 03

  See, here, here's why I'm a light worker. I don't, I wouldn't do that. I actually don't want injury.

• 18:56Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 18:56Speaker 03

  I don't want injury. I just want my, my money back and I want an apology. I want someone to acknowledge that I suffered.

• 19:02Stavros Halkias?

  Well, okay, and we, and we will get that for, you know what? Eldis, go find Mr. Fucking Chimney.

• 19:06Speaker 03

  By the way, I love, yeah, I left, so again, I was like, I'm dropping it. And then yesterday I got a huge email, or I got, I sent a huge email out. And I go, if I don't respond to this, then I'll let it go.

• 19:17Stavros Halkias?

  It's over.

• 19:17Speaker 03

  But I'm on the podcast talking about it now, so. Really no.

• 19:20Stavros Halkias?

  Next that you find the house, that address and you put a fucking billboard.

• 19:25Speaker 03

  I know.

• 19:25Stavros Halkias?

  Mr. Chimney's a fucking liar.

• 19:27Speaker 03

  Fraud.

• 19:27Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, Mr. Chimney is a fraud.

• 19:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:29Stavros Halkias?

  Look at how much that'd cost. You know, we could go half on that. That'd be fun.

• 19:32Speaker 03

  I know, that would be really fun.

• 19:33Stavros Halkias?

  Write that off as an expense.

• 19:35Speaker 03

  By the way, Woodland Hills billboard?

• 19:38Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 19:38Speaker 03

  Seven hundred dollars? I mean, I just don't even know.

• 19:40Stavros Halkias?

  We can figure that out.

• 19:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:41Stavros Halkias?

  I think we can do that. You know, maybe this could be your whole... Didn't... Who had a... Who had a fuck... Didn't somebody have a one man show about the police fucking him over? Was that Birbiglia? It just feels like a Birbiglia thing.

• 19:52Speaker 03

  The police fucking him?

• 19:53Stavros Halkias?

  I don't know.

• 19:54Speaker 03

  I don't know. No. Well, trust me, of course, yesterday, because I was texting a friend of mine and he said, "I love you, you have to let this go." He's like, "Oh, Mr. Chimney blocked me," right? He goes, "Let it go." And then yesterday, I sent him...

• 20:04Stavros Halkias?

  You're covering the wrong guy for letting it go. I'm like, "Let's fucking destroy this guy." "I'll fucking hate him."

• 20:09Speaker 03

  So I sent my friend the email that I sent. I sent it to my mother. My mother goes, "Really proud of the letter you wrote." Okay, so I write this letter.

• 20:16Stavros Halkias?

  So your mom is supporting this kind of behavior?

• 20:19Speaker 03

  And my friend did go, "There's a movie here," I go, you know? It crossed my mind. Yeah. The people versus Mr. Chimney.

• 20:27Stavros Halkias?

  The people versus Mr. Chimney. There is, you know, there is a movie about like you taking it too far and like accidentally killing Mr. Chimney and then having to like cover the body.

• 20:37Speaker 03

  Well, yesterday, when I wrote my one star review, I go, "What if I'm opening up a can?" You know what I mean? I go, "What if I'm... What if it's me begging, 'Please, please, please.'"

• 20:43Stavros Halkias?

  You're pulling at the threads.

• 20:44Speaker 03

  I just don't want to die screaming, "No." Like, I don't want to... Like, I don't want to be running. I don't want like...

• 20:50Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I gotta say, I wouldn't... Of all the businesses to fuck with, when you get someone on the phone, they're like, "Fucking take us to court."

• 20:57Speaker 03

  I know.

• 20:57Stavros Halkias?

  Bad sign.

• 20:58Speaker 03

  It's a little scary.

• 20:59Stavros Halkias?

  Bad sign.

• 21:00Speaker 03

  Because, yeah, someone else goes, "We are so sorry. How can we make this right?"

• 21:03Stavros Halkias?

  Even if they know they're not gonna do shit, even if they're like, "Oh, that sounds like such a bad situation." Then they hang up on you and they're like, "Fucking dumb bitch." But to just on the phone be like, "Try us, whore. We don't fucking care."

• 21:15Speaker 03

  You don't have a lesbian!

• 21:16Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah. I know what's going on in there. You got a couple of Jews I'm not scared of with a fucking dirty ass living room.

• 21:24Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 21:24Stavros Halkias?

  With a dirty floor, by the way.

• 21:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:26Stavros Halkias?

  "Yeah, you sure it's not your floor?" Love that. Yeah, unfortunately, I have now grown to respect Mr. Chimney.

• 21:33Speaker 03

  I know. It is pretty punk what they're doing.

• 21:36Stavros Halkias?

  Just being horrible and not giving a fuck. And you realize it's, you can just be a piece of shit and you don't really ever face that many consequences.

• 21:44Speaker 03

  Well, that's what actually made me, I mean, this is minor, right? This is a soot.

• 21:47Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 21:47Speaker 03

  Catastrophe.

• 21:48Stavros Halkias?

  It's annoying, but you know.

• 21:49Speaker 03

  But ultimately it's a minor annoyance. I go, you actually gave me more human empathy. Cause I go, people are dealing with this on the, I go, imagine. I don't do well with this. It's making me like, I don't do well with.

• 22:01Stavros Halkias?

  Sure.

• 22:02Speaker 03

  Is it confrontational? Like I just.

• 22:03Stavros Halkias?

  Conflict.

• 22:04Speaker 03

  I threw my jaw out.

• 22:05Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 22:05Speaker 03

  Hello?

• 22:06Stavros Halkias?

  The jaws, yeah, you'd be fucked.

• 22:07Speaker 03

  Physical, I'm hurting myself.

• 22:09Stavros Halkias?

  When was the first TMJ flare up? Has this been your whole life?

• 22:12Speaker 03

  I've always had jaw stuff, but I'm like, doesn't everyone kind of, I mean, like, look at my face. Clearly I carry shit in my jaw.

• 22:16Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:18Speaker 03

  And so I'm like, beast out.

• 22:20Stavros Halkias?

  You've been a clencher your whole life?

• 22:21Speaker 03

  Clencher my whole life. I got a night guard years ago. I go, I'm not wearing that. I'm trying to have sex.

• 22:27Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I gotta be sexy.

• 22:28Speaker 03

  I just was like, no.

• 22:29Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 22:29Speaker 03

  And so then basically, and I asked my dentist, I go, you're telling me one night of really bad clenching can do this? He was like, yep, in your state, yeah. He goes, your, direct quote, serious risk of lockjaw. Only my greatest fear.

• 22:41Stavros Halkias?

  Wow. For, how long was lockjaw?

• 22:44Speaker 03

  I don't know. What do they do?

• 22:45Stavros Halkias?

  You just have to fucking be like this and not say shit?

• 22:47Speaker 03

  No, it's open.

• 22:48Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, it's open?

• 22:49Speaker 03

  I always thought it was open, that you're like, here, you take a sub and you're like.

• 22:52Stavros Halkias?

  And then it's just like, oh, I can't chew. I would be so pissed if it, I would be really pissed if I had the beginning of the sub. I need to get a little sub. Imagine being hungry as shit and lockjaw kicks in, not even a bite?

• 23:05Speaker 03

  No, rye, gorgeous rye crisped.

• 23:07Stavros Halkias?

  You can, yeah, you're.

• 23:08Speaker 03

  Rye pastrami.

• 23:09Stavros Halkias?

  You can feel a little of it on your tongue, but you can't swallow.

• 23:12Speaker 03

  Cheddar hits it and you're fucked. Well, also imagine the humiliation, just the, I mean, frozen open, crying. Cause I'd be crying, frozen open, help, help.

• 23:19Stavros Halkias?

  I thought it was closed. Wow.

• 23:21Speaker 03

  By the way, it might be closed.

• 23:24Stavros Halkias?

  Just a couple of scientists trying to get to the bottom of it.

• 23:26Speaker 03

  He goes, let's put some arnica on it.

• 23:29Stavros Halkias?

  What's that?

• 23:30Speaker 03

  You know, just topical stuff. It's not helping.

• 23:33Stavros Halkias?

  Not helping, damn. Well, maybe the power of riffing through the podcast will help.

• 23:36Speaker 03

  This is good. The joy is taking my mind out. I have a question for you, actually. I have an etiquette question for you.

• 23:41Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, great.

• 23:42Speaker 03

  Cause I got into it. Dear friend and I got into a fight this morning.

• 23:44Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, beautiful.

• 23:45Speaker 03

  A little bit of yelling on the phone about this.

• 23:46Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 23:48Speaker 03

  Where, where do you stand with?

• 23:51Speaker 03

  Okay, I'm of the mind. You can't say to someone, "Hey, are you going to the party on Friday? Are you going to Jeff's party on Friday?" The person goes, "Not invited." Their heart's broken.

• 24:04Speaker 03

  Don't ask people if they're going to parties, right?

• 24:08Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 24:08Speaker 03

  Where do you stand?

• 24:09Stavros Halkias?

  Here's where I stand. How close a friend is this?

• 24:12Speaker 03

  Like the two, okay, okay. So obviously, okay, okay.

• 24:15Stavros Halkias?

  If it's the coolest event of the fucking year, right? And your friend's a fucking loser.

• 24:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:20Stavros Halkias?

  And you're just like, kinda hoping there's a chance. You need a ride and you're like, "He's probably not invited, but let me ask if he's going to fish for my own." But if you're just like, is this a super close friend? How close?

• 24:31Speaker 03

  So, so it's like-

• 24:32Stavros Halkias?

  The person you're asking and the person who's having the party.

• 24:34Speaker 03

  Okay, so it's like, a friend, not my event.

• 24:37Stavros Halkias?

  Not your event.

• 24:38Speaker 03

  Not on my event, but a friend, they're close, we're all close.

• 24:42Stavros Halkias?

  You're all close.

• 24:43Speaker 03

  But they had kind of a, like, it's not crazy that the other person wouldn't have been invited, like, because there's history.

• 24:48Stavros Halkias?

  If there's history-

• 24:48Speaker 03

  Between, between the party thrower and this person, there's history.

• 24:51Stavros Halkias?

  Why, can you ask the party thrower or no?

• 24:53Speaker 03

  You ask the party, "Hey, is Susanna invited?" And then the party thrower goes, "Oh my God, actually, they're not." You don't go, "Susanna, going to Jeff's?"

• 25:02Stavros Halkias?

  Yes. You gotta go to the party. If there's history, I think you gotta do your due diligence and say, "Hey, I don't want to make it fucking weird. I want to just have some fucking carpaccio and hang out. I don't want to make it fucking strange. Is she coming or not?" And then, and then, if you really want to be a good guy, you've done, you know, you have the information, you know they have invited them, and then you ask them about it in a welcoming way to make it feel like, "You're just one of the guys."

• 25:29Speaker 03

  Hundred percent.

• 25:31Stavros Halkias?

  The history's over. But you can't gamble on whether they've resolved it or not.

• 25:33Speaker 03

  You can't go, "You going?"

• 25:34Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 25:35Speaker 03

  Anyway, so I, I raised my, I raised my voice and I said, "How about this? Going forward, know this. Never say to anyone, 'Are you going to the party.'"

• 25:42Stavros Halkias?

  Now, generally, I think you can ask about going to parties, I have to say.

• 25:46Speaker 03

  God, I guess you're kind of right. Okay, if there's no history.

• 25:48Stavros Halkias?

  If there's no history, you can be like, "What's up with the party? You going to that thing?" And then if they're like, "I'm not invited," be like, "Yikes."

• 25:55Speaker 03

  Maybe I'm too sensitive. That, like, for me is like, ugh.

• 25:58Stavros Halkias?

  Well, that would, like, if it's, again, I always come back to, if it's a good enough friend that you can offend them and laugh it off, ask about the party.

• 26:06Speaker 03

  Then you're safe, yeah.

• 26:07Stavros Halkias?

  And then, why do you want this person there? What are your intentions?

• 26:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:10Stavros Halkias?

  Are they pure? Do you really just want to have a good time? And do you have enough clout to be like, "Just come with me." If you do, you can always ask.

• 26:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:19Stavros Halkias?

  But if you're like, if it's on the fence and it's a cool thing and you're not sure.

• 26:23Speaker 03

  Be careful.

• 26:23Stavros Halkias?

  Be careful. Tread lightly.

• 26:25Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 26:25Stavros Halkias?

  Tread lightly. But if it's a very good friend and you also want to, it could be fun to rub it in that they're not going.

• 26:29Speaker 03

  Yeah. Ooh, you didn't make the cut. Yeah.

• 26:31Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, fucking loser. You're not going.

• 26:35Speaker 04

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• 27:01Speaker 00

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• 27:43Speaker 00

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• 28:01Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I don't know. I also don't have that many, like, all my friends I've known truly my whole life.

• 28:07Speaker 03

  That's like me, most of my, like, I'm, yeah.

• 28:09Stavros Halkias?

  And you grew up here, not, not, but you, did you go to school in New York or you lived in New York?

• 28:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, I lived, I lived in New York for like nine years.

• 28:16Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 28:16Speaker 03

  And I went there for school and then I stayed.

• 28:18Stavros Halkias?

  Nice.

• 28:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:19Stavros Halkias?

  Hell, yeah.

• 28:21Speaker 03

  Just doing sets, you know?

• 28:22Stavros Halkias?

  Doing sets.

• 28:23Speaker 03

  Doing fucking sets. That's one thing I notice. If I have like one cocktail, I start talking about doing sets. I go, I was there, I was taking the train, I was along on the track. I was like, these kids don't do sets. They don't fucking do sets. I was pounding the pavement, I mean, I mean, one martini.

• 28:38Stavros Halkias?

  Aging, it's like, you get in your 30s and you become everything you thought was lame, and it feels good.

• 28:44Speaker 03

  It feels good.

• 28:44Stavros Halkias?

  And you get it, you're like, yeah, these fucking kids don't get it.

• 28:47Speaker 03

  I go, comics.

• 28:48Stavros Halkias?

  They get on the internet now? They didn't have to go to fucking Mikes.

• 28:51Speaker 03

  No, they weren't, they weren't fighting.

• 28:53Stavros Halkias?

  They weren't out there scrapping.

• 28:55Speaker 03

  They weren't getting business cards.

• 28:56Stavros Halkias?

  No, oh, I had business cards.

• 28:58Speaker 03

  I go, APA? No, I had business cards.

• 29:02Stavros Halkias?

  Handing out fucking business cards, remember my business cards, Aldous?

• 29:05Speaker 03

  I was remembering, I was just saying.

• 29:07Stavros Halkias?

  My headshot on there, I'm like.

• 29:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, oh my god, I have a headshot I should truly send in.

• 29:11Stavros Halkias?

  Please.

• 29:12Speaker 03

  Where I look 10 years older than I look now.

• 29:14Stavros Halkias?

  That's awesome.

• 29:15Speaker 03

  And my hair is to here and I'm over one shoulder like this, and I look Latin.

• 29:19Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 29:20Speaker 03

  It's absolutely wild.

• 29:23Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 29:23Speaker 03

  But, um, I was remembering, I did, I did a show and an agent's gonna come to scout you. The mic went out, I had to do it no mic, just to a room.

• 29:31Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 29:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, they signed me.

• 29:33Stavros Halkias?

  Wow, yeah.

• 29:34Speaker 03

  But, uh, yeah, comics. You remember the comics, the comedy club?

• 29:37Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 29:38Speaker 03

  They closed owing me $150, that's how old I am, folks.

• 29:40Stavros Halkias?

  Wow, yeah, yeah.

• 29:42Speaker 03

  Actually, very young, I don't even like to joke about that, so, yeah.

• 29:44Stavros Halkias?

  Did you, did you move, like, wanting to do purely comedy, was it more artsy? Were you a theater kid?

• 29:51Speaker 03

  Rejected from theater school, never set foot.

• 29:52Stavros Halkias?

  Rejected from theater, okay, well, that explains everything.

• 29:56Speaker 03

  My first, my first standup I did here, like, the Laugh Factory when I was 17.

• 30:00Stavros Halkias?

  17?

• 30:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, I had a fake ID.

• 30:02Stavros Halkias?

  That's awesome.

• 30:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is where I get into it, I go, ah. But I did, yeah, I started standup when I was 17 and then I moved to New York.

• 30:10Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting, were you like a theater kid, though, were you like doing plays in high school?

• 30:13Speaker 03

  I did plays in high school, not musical theater, I don't know why I feel the need to distance myself from that culture, but, um.

• 30:19Stavros Halkias?

  Because everyone would have assumed.

• 30:20Speaker 03

  I did play, I did plays, you know, I had a line on Lizzie McGuire as a kid.

• 30:25Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, big, that's huge. Wow, how that, were you trying to be a child, because I remember I auditioned for Bruce Willis movie called The Kid.

• 30:34Speaker 03

  Mm, yeah, I bet you'd be a big booker.

• 30:37Stavros Halkias?

  I was cute as hell. I peaked at like truly nine years old. Like I was the cutest baby. I peaked it as a baby. I'm like so cute. I should have been, but my parents and I wanted to be. I'm so glad my parents were like, no, because I would have been, I wanted to be a show business like terror. When I was like a kid, I was like, I need to be a fucking star. And I remember going to a just pure open call. Just not even really audition for it. They just like looked at a bunch of fat kids. Basically, it's like Bruce Willis Goes Back in Time. It's maybe a very early.

• 31:06Speaker 03

  I don't know it. Yeah.

• 31:07Stavros Halkias?

  It's a really shitty movie and they ended up casting, by the way, um, it's a family. It's like a fucking. The Fannings, apparently they had a fat little brother and he got a bite at the apple.

• 31:17Speaker 03

  What's going on with those parents?

• 31:18Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, truly.

• 31:20Speaker 03

  I like, I talked about this with my friend that, um, like children should not be actors. You should have adults play children.

• 31:28Stavros Halkias?

  And then, yeah, yeah, that's funny. Make it all Stewart.

• 31:30Speaker 03

  It's not like they can't be involved.

• 31:33Stavros Halkias?

  No, it's so fucked up. It's so fucked up to see kids. And like when I've done stuff and they've been kids, it's like. The parents are like, yes, $300. And they're just like, take my infant.

• 31:44Speaker 03

  Well, when the infants are crying, go, the baby doesn't know it's not real. They go, he's crying. Perfect. Oh, my God.

• 31:51Stavros Halkias?

  This will sell the murder. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 31:54Speaker 03

  They, yeah, I don't like it.

• 31:56Stavros Halkias?

  Mom, can you pretend you're hurt? So he starts crying.

• 31:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:59Stavros Halkias?

  Because we're having a real hard time cuing him.

• 32:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 32:02Stavros Halkias?

  So I'm sorry. How did that? Were you like, I gotta be a star? Like, how did the Lizzie McGuire thing happen?

• 32:07Speaker 03

  I will, you know, again, Los Angeles, even though my parents are not in the industry.

• 32:12Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. So why'd they live here? They just liked it?

• 32:15Speaker 03

  Just arty. Yeah. Just love the scene.

• 32:18Stavros Halkias?

  Was this a really, I guess I never think of LA as like arty. I mean, I guess it is, but I think of it as more like. Just purely industry.

• 32:26Speaker 03

  Thriving art scene in the seventies, I want to say. Yeah. Um, no, but, um.

• 32:30Stavros Halkias?

  So they were cool artist types?

• 32:31Speaker 03

  Um, yeah.

• 32:32Stavros Halkias?

  Nah, oh, okay. Sick. They have people fucking coming in and out? You didn't like, it weren't the artsy type where it's like they're having like orgies in the poolhouse?

• 32:41Speaker 03

  No orgies. Just like, just like, like, there were no orgies, but you know, dinner parties and weed. You know, my dad, wake and bake stoner my whole life, something like that. Yeah.

• 32:50Stavros Halkias?

  Fucking awesome.

• 32:51Speaker 03

  But they explained it to me. They were like, some daddies have beer. Like really, they were like, some dads have beer because my dad has never been into alcohol.

• 32:58Stavros Halkias?

  Different kind of problem.

• 33:01Stavros Halkias?

  It's like not really an explanation. I'm addicted to a thing you can't buy at stores.

• 33:07Speaker 03

  So funny. I've never really seen it that way. I was like, isn't that so humane and just open and modern?

• 33:14Stavros Halkias?

  I mean, if he had like a joint twice a week, that would be the discussion, but like now some daddy's crack a schlitz at 9 a.m. I smoke weed at 9 a.m. It's normal.

• 33:24Speaker 03

  Oh my god. This is you're seeing me in a way I've never been seen.

• 33:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 33:29Speaker 03

  And never had the courage to see myself.

• 33:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:34Stavros Halkias?

  That's awesome. But like a good, like an artsy, weedy dinner party.

• 33:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, love. Yeah, yeah.

• 33:40Stavros Halkias?

  That's fun.

• 33:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:41Stavros Halkias?

  That's a cool, that's the, that's the appropriate amount of cool parent to have.

• 33:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:46Stavros Halkias?

  Any more than that.

• 33:47Speaker 03

  And we get into trouble. Yeah, yeah, of course.

• 33:49Stavros Halkias?

  Starts getting tough.

• 33:50Speaker 03

  Cause I go, listen, I'm already like, you know, you go, oh, you're, oh, your dad's an artist. You know, I didn't, I wasn't like, I'm not gonna be in marketing. You know what I mean? Like, like it was like, it is all rigged.

• 34:01Stavros Halkias?

  Totally, totally.

• 34:01Speaker 03

  Like, like so much of it. So, you know, but, uh, but yeah, but no, I mean, it wasn't like, I didn't have a producer in the family or a director or casting director.

• 34:10Stavros Halkias?

  No one's accusing you of nepo, of nepo baby.

• 34:13Speaker 03

  I was, I was called an nepo baby.

• 34:14Stavros Halkias?

  For, cause your dad got high and what did he do?

• 34:17Speaker 03

  Because, because, yeah, yeah, it's like, I, because, um.

• 34:20Stavros Halkias?

  Were your parents both like, like artists?

• 34:22Speaker 03

  My mom worked in like set design, made props.

• 34:25Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 34:26Speaker 03

  And yeah, they were, they were like, daughter of a sculptor and a prop. I was like, guys.

• 34:31Stavros Halkias?

  You know those sculpt, you know who has a lot of power in society? Sculptors. You know, the art form that peaked in ancient Greece?

• 34:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:40Stavros Halkias?

  Those are the people that are respected in the fucking 90s.

• 34:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:44Stavros Halkias?

  That's so funny.

• 34:45Speaker 03

  But I, oh, but yeah, a friend's mother got me an audition for Lizzie McGuire.

• 34:50Stavros Halkias?

  And you crushed it.

• 34:50Speaker 03

  And I booked it, have never booked a role since, since from an audition essentially. And, um, yeah, so I was like, I was like, here we fucking go.

• 34:58Stavros Halkias?

  Was it like a really offensive, like was your, your mom, your friend's mom like, oh, they need annoying girl too?

• 35:05Speaker 03

  They needed a Jew. Yeah, yeah.

• 35:05Stavros Halkias?

  Annoying Jew too?

• 35:06Speaker 03

  Student number two actually was the name.

• 35:08Stavros Halkias?

  I got it. Was it? Oh, student number two?

• 35:10Speaker 03

  Who's that shrill little girl? Yeah.

• 35:12Stavros Halkias?

  Shrill dumb little bitch?

• 35:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. I, uh, yeah.

• 35:19Stavros Halkias?

  I get that. I love when you get something and it's like, I, I literally am like doing something where it's like, we need a fat piece of shit.

• 35:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, totally.

• 35:28Stavros Halkias?

  And I'm like, hey, if the money's right, I'm there, baby.

• 35:31Speaker 03

  Absolutely. They're like Bustalina. Yeah, and I do it. I, I actually, I have it somewhere. I saved like 10 years ago. I got an audition for something and it was like, truly said, what did it say? Like, it was like, woman, uh, different looking, maybe odd, possibly even deformed. Possibly even deformed. And I go, I'll take a swing. Didn't get it.

• 35:54Stavros Halkias?

  Didn't get it, huh?

• 35:55Speaker 03

  I auditioned once for, remember Girl Code?

• 35:58Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, of course.

• 35:58Speaker 03

  Not to be one of the talking heads, to be one of the reenactors.

• 36:01Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 36:03Speaker 03

  Imagine being degraded. A line of me and other, and, and they go, okay, girls, just dance like you're at a party. Now, now, now you're drunk. To not get that. They go, I like everyone but her. Cause I'm sure my eyes were crossed and I was like, yeah, something.

• 36:23Stavros Halkias?

  That's fucking hilarious. I didn't even think they auditioned those. I, I figured they like went into the office and were like, hey, anybody wanna fucking dance around why Chris DiStefano calls Chris Brown gay?

• 36:35Speaker 03

  No, they, they did not want me.

• 36:39Stavros Halkias?

  That's so fucking funny. Uh, that's hilarious. Did you, were you an only child? Do you have siblings?

• 36:44Speaker 03

  Yes. Wait, I'm just, cause I'm remembering another story. I have to tell that audition story. Cause I, I never get to do this. I once in New York went to an audition. I don't know even how the fuck I got there, but someone told me, it was like, wasn't fully off the internet. Someone was like, oh, I know him or something.

• 36:59Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 36:59Speaker 03

  Director guy. I go into, it's an apartment. I go up the stairs. There's a bench, whatever. He's there with his camera. He goes, okay, um, we're just gonna go through a series of emotions. So there's no text. So just sit on the couch and, and, okay.

• 37:12Stavros Halkias?

  Just in a guy's house.

• 37:13Speaker 03

  And then, and then, I'm not kidding. He goes, okay, let's just go through some stages of arousal.

• 37:20Speaker 03

  I'm on a bench like this. There's a camera like this. He goes, so, and he said, close your eyes. I was like, okay. He's like, okay, so just kind of stages. So you're kind of just starting to get turned on. Like, no, no, no, no. All the way up to barking orgasm.

• 37:35Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, my god.

• 37:36Speaker 03

  And I'm there. I was maybe 21.

• 37:38Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, you're like.

• 37:39Speaker 03

  Fully coming on a stool. And then he, and then he's bringing me down. Okay, now.

• 37:46Stavros Halkias?

  He's recording this.

• 37:47Speaker 03

  Yes. Recording, recording it. Total audition.

• 37:51Stavros Halkias?

  Fully, this guy has a pyramid scheme to jerk off to.

• 37:55Speaker 03

  And he's like, he's like, okay, and now you're coming down off of it, relaxed. And then, okay, that was great. Thank you. Thank you so much.

• 38:05Stavros Halkias?

  It's like for a Imes dog food commercial.

• 38:08Speaker 03

  Yeah. I mean, I, it's unbelievable.

• 38:12Stavros Halkias?

  That's fucking incredible.

• 38:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, I want my footage.

• 38:14Stavros Halkias?

  The footage, that's big. Now, that's a, that's a hit reel.

• 38:18Speaker 03

  I know.

• 38:19Stavros Halkias?

  That's a hit reel right there. Put your dates at the bottom, you know what I mean? We're selling tickets, baby.

• 38:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:25Stavros Halkias?

  That is so fucking insane.

• 38:27Speaker 03

  It's insane.

• 38:28Stavros Halkias?

  That, that was just allowed?

• 38:30Speaker 03

  And I didn't tell, like, I didn't even, no, but I wasn't like, I don't know about that. I left like, hey, you want to get dinner? Like, I just left. Like, it was like, truly a couple of years ago, I like uncovered it. I was like, wait.

• 38:43Speaker 03

  I didn't think, I was just like, acting is acting. And if I'm an actress, then you have to be able to do it. Whatever they want, yeah.

• 38:51Stavros Halkias?

  You've been to enough therapy where like, that thawed out, like, you know how they say like, uh, if we melt the ice caps, ancient diseases will come out? Like, I feel like you finally got through enough of your stuff that it's like,

• 39:03Speaker 03

  That could come, yeah, yeah.

• 39:04Stavros Halkias?

  I got like, the lightest, the lightest form of casting couch assault that there is happened to me, when I was just trying to make it in the city.

• 39:12Speaker 03

  Art house, casting couch.

• 39:13Stavros Halkias?

  And I wonder what it was. It was probably for some, I mean, it was for nothing. There was no project.

• 39:18Speaker 03

  For nothing, yeah.

• 39:18Stavros Halkias?

  There was obviously no project, but I wonder what the, what the lie was. Obviously, it must have been like, his short film. Damn, that is fucking hilarious. Yeah, I fucking, I don't like auditioning because I don't want to fucking, just put me in the fucking thing.

• 39:32Speaker 03

  We're getting off going, folks. You know what you're gonna get.

• 39:34Stavros Halkias?

  You need a fucking horny idiot, you need a fucking dickhead that kinda rude. Actually, that's pretty much it.

• 39:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:44Stavros Halkias?

  But with a heart of gold.

• 39:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 39:45Stavros Halkias?

  With a little, with a little heart of gold. I'm here for that.

• 39:51Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting. Yeah, that's, that, so, okay, sorry, because I asked you about your childhood before.

• 39:57Speaker 03

  So, New York, yeah, and then I was in New York and then I moved back to LA. I don't know, like 10 years ago or something.

• 40:02Stavros Halkias?

  You were like, I gotta be back?

• 40:03Speaker 03

  Not even. I just kinda was like, meh, like, I don't know. I was coming back here a lot. No, there was kind of a pressure, like, hey, if you want to book, you gotta be in LA, which is like completely not real.

• 40:14Stavros Halkias?

  Not true at all.

• 40:14Speaker 03

  But also I started seeing, like, my boyfriend at the time was living here, so I was just like, I was coming back and forth a lot, and I was like, and I'm from here. Like, it wasn't a dramatic move.

• 40:22Stavros Halkias?

  Sure, sure, sure. No, I get, I just always assumed you were from, because I guess when I...

• 40:28Speaker 03

  New York.

• 40:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I just assumed you were from New York.

• 40:29Speaker 03

  People think I'm from New York, and I love it, yeah.

• 40:32Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I wonder what that's about.

• 40:34Speaker 03

  Because I'm not a dumb whore. Because I have curly hair.

• 40:39Stavros Halkias?

  Just being artsy and a brunette, you're like, yeah, well, she's not from LA.

• 40:43Speaker 03

  Completely.

• 40:44Stavros Halkias?

  There's no way.

• 40:45Speaker 03

  The queens. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just immediately.

• 40:47Stavros Halkias?

  You should brought over from fucking Staten Island. That's so fucking hilarious. Yeah, I just assumed that. I guess I also, because I just, I mean, because it was, like, I feel like a lot of the comedy you're doing was kind of very shitting on over the top theatrical, like, that kind. You also do have the best version of what an agent is like in the other two that I've ever seen in my life. That's, I mean, you've done a lot of great stuff, but that was, go check that out, folks, we want to see what...

• 41:15Speaker 03

  People scream, "I'm gagging for you, faggot," at me on the street. Like, I'm like, okay, yeah, that's me, like...

• 41:22Stavros Halkias?

  That really is probably your most quotable thing, too.

• 41:25Speaker 03

  I know, no, completely, completely.

• 41:26Stavros Halkias?

  Because it's like, a lot of your shit's awesome, but it's like, there's not like, it's like a thing to latch, like a phrase to latch on to, and that is like, you got, you could be having, that could be t-shirts.

• 41:36Speaker 03

  Grapestone.

• 41:37Stavros Halkias?

  That could be koozies. You could sell a lot of merch.

• 41:40Speaker 03

  I know, if I had, if I were a little different, I would maybe have really gone hard.

• 41:43Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, my God, that'd be your whole thing.

• 41:44Speaker 03

  With that, yeah.

• 41:46Stavros Halkias?

  And, but yeah, that's fucking, that is fucking, but yeah, I just always assumed that, but I would have never thought, like... Artists in LA, you know, that also makes a lot of sense. Cause you're probably like, my art is acting. I'm also an artist.

• 42:02Speaker 03

  I'm also, yeah.

• 42:03Stavros Halkias?

  Did you, I guess you liked your parents, they're good, they're still together?

• 42:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm, yeah, I never like rebelled.

• 42:10Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, oh, interesting.

• 42:11Speaker 03

  Like I realized that, like, I was always like, I love my mom. Like, I just never, like, I mean, that was cool. I smoked weed in high school. I'm like, you know.

• 42:18Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, but I got it from my dad.

• 42:21Speaker 03

  Well, literally.

• 42:24Speaker 03

  Completely. And he was just like, surely he was like, never smoke weed and drive. I was like, you got it. And he was like, my dad, like so scared of like the cops, like Jewish, like, he was like, never smoke weed by an open window. Cause someone could smell it and they'll call. And I go, okay, you got it. So I've internalized so much of that paranoia.

• 42:39Stavros Halkias?

  You got a hot box. I love your dad being like, I'm not like, I'm a daddy who smokes weed in the mornings and you got a hot box.

• 42:49Stavros Halkias?

  Don't smoke weed near a window. It's so fucking funny.

• 42:53Speaker 03

  They'll smell, they'll waft onto the street.

• 42:56Stavros Halkias?

  Was your dad ever arrested or something?

• 42:58Speaker 03

  Actually, he had like a lot of like interactions with the cops because of protests and stuff.

• 43:02Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, hell yeah.

• 43:02Speaker 03

  So, um, yeah.

• 43:03Stavros Halkias?

  So he was like one of those guys, fuck the, fuck the pigs type of guy.

• 43:07Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 43:08Stavros Halkias?

  That's pretty fun. I mean, I guess there is, that is something to, if you're just kinda chill.

• 43:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:14Stavros Halkias?

  Your kids don't really need to rebel. In fact.

• 43:16Speaker 03

  That's the thing. Like it wasn't, and yeah, I didn't.

• 43:20Stavros Halkias?

  It seems like they hit the sweet spot because the way for those kids to rebel is to true, is like become a banker.

• 43:26Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 43:26Stavros Halkias?

  Like I have friends who are hysterical, like artists that are so like, like, you know, used to live in warehouses and like filth and like make the weirdest shit. And I'm like, and they've had kids and it's like, those kids are going to be on Wall Street.

• 43:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 43:42Stavros Halkias?

  Like that, those kids are going to be Republicans by the time they're like 11. They're gonna be like homophobic somehow.

• 43:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, they're day traders when they're four, like completely.

• 43:51Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, for sure. But it's nice. Your, your parents kinda hit the nice, a nice stride in the middle.

• 43:56Speaker 03

  Turned out perfect. I don't know. Yeah.

• 43:58Stavros Halkias?

  Just a, one of those regular people I've ever met in my life.

• 44:04Stavros Halkias?

  Did you go, but did you, so was your mom from Spain? Like, did you get to go a bunch?

• 44:08Speaker 03

  No, so my mom was born here.

• 44:10Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, born here.

• 44:10Speaker 03

  But.

• 44:11Stavros Halkias?

  I was born here, but my family came in the eighties.

• 44:13Speaker 03

  But like her, I mean, yeah, her first language is Spanish.

• 44:15Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, so it's the same thing. That's kind of first generation.

• 44:18Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm, exactly.

• 44:19Stavros Halkias?

  But you have family over there? Did you get to go? Did you go a bunch or no?

• 44:22Speaker 03

  The last relatives I had that were living in Spain moved, so they're not there anymore. So I haven't, I haven't spent time there. Like, I've been a couple of times, but not for real.

• 44:30Stavros Halkias?

  Damn. That's a fun, Spain is an interesting place to be from too. Cause it's like.

• 44:35Speaker 03

  Andalusia, Malaga, the rough side.

• 44:37Stavros Halkias?

  Do you speak Spanish?

• 44:38Speaker 03

  Solamente un poco.

• 44:39Stavros Halkias?

  Is that a little bit?

• 44:40Speaker 03

  I'm kind of doing Italian. I really got, like, I really was good, like, in high school. And there's videos of myself when I'm much younger, speaking Spanish. And I'm like, ha, ha, ha. And I just lost, and now I'm shy with it. And I, you know, it's like, so it's part of my 10-year plan to really get back.

• 44:54Stavros Halkias?

  Gotta get back in there.

• 44:55Speaker 03

  I mean, trust me, I'm in Mexico for a week, honey.

• 44:57Stavros Halkias?

  Gotta get back.

• 44:57Speaker 03

  It's pretty good, but I can't just, yeah.

• 45:00Stavros Halkias?

  You live, I mean, you live here.

• 45:03Speaker 03

  I know, it's criminal to not speak, every fucking day.

• 45:06Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm always jealous of people who do speak Spanish, cause I'm like, cause my Greek really is not so good. And it's like, I just feel, it's, it's also frustrating when you like, talk for a living? And your whole thing is being quick?

• 45:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:20Stavros Halkias?

  And like, having a thing to say? And I'm just locked in these conversations and I'm like, I got a good one, but I can't. My brain doesn't know it in Greek as much, but I want to get there. I'm with you too, with like, the whole 10-year plan shit of like, well, my brother's having a kid soon? And so part of me is like, damn, I gotta pretty much be the relative who speaks Greek. There's no one else who's gonna speak Greek to these kids.

• 45:42Speaker 03

  It fucking evaporates. It's, I think about like, my grandparents.

• 45:45Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 45:46Speaker 03

  A hundred years changes fucking everything.

• 45:49Stavros Halkias?

  It's so fucked up.

• 45:50Speaker 03

  It is insane.

• 45:51Stavros Halkias?

  It's so weird.

• 45:51Speaker 03

  Like, if my grandmother met me, like, like, like, it's crazy.

• 45:56Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 45:57Speaker 03

  And I'm like, Mr. Chimney!

• 46:01Speaker 03

  Like childless, throwing my jaw out from a chimney mishap.

• 46:06Stavros Halkias?

  Because the chimney guy was fucking bad at his job. It caused you physical pain.

• 46:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:12Stavros Halkias?

  It manifested in physical pain. Yeah, oh yeah. And how much, how just truly horrible their lives were. Just my grandparents, the whole family lived on a one-floor shitty house. And it was like, you know, you're just sharing a room with everyone. I mean, Eldis still, I guess that is how you grew up too. You refugee ass motherfucker.

• 46:32Speaker 05

  Oh yeah, grandma's in the living room on a mattress in the corner.

• 46:35Stavros Halkias?

  But we still got, but you, you, you could be, in a generation, you could have the whitest kids of all time if you wanted to.

• 46:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:41Stavros Halkias?

  You're really close.

• 46:42Speaker 05

  I'm assimilating hardcore here.

• 46:44Stavros Halkias?

  You really are dude, you're gonna move to fucking Ohio, I can feel it. My brother makes fun of him, but he's gonna call, he's gonna name his son Dylan. He's like, his name is Eldis. I was like, Dylan, nice job. Just Eldis at the football game being like, good job Dylan. Um, I'm scared of losing the fucking, I'm scared of losing Greek shit. And it just happens, you just fucking, it just goes like that.

• 47:07Speaker 03

  You got it, you got it down.

• 47:08Stavros Halkias?

  I'm trying so hard.

• 47:10Speaker 03

  You're holding on, yeah.

• 47:10Stavros Halkias?

  I'm trying so hard.

• 47:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:12Stavros Halkias?

  I think my grandparents would at least be like, that's a weird Greek guy if they met me.

• 47:16Speaker 03

  Right, totally.

• 47:17Stavros Halkias?

  But I think, but my brothers, not so, they were, they're a little more, even just being two years younger than me. Because I was the oldest and my parents didn't speak any English when I was born. Or like, never in the house.

• 47:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:28Stavros Halkias?

  I lived in a house that was essentially a Greek, a Greek house.

• 47:31Speaker 03

  Immersion center.

• 47:32Stavros Halkias?

  Exactly, yeah, for real, for real. And like, my grandparents would send us like tapes, and so I would, all the, all the Disney movies I watched were like, dubbed over Little Mermaid in Greek and shit.

• 47:43Speaker 03

  Cute.

• 47:43Stavros Halkias?

  But then I went to school, I guess they just had more, for whatever reason, by the time my brothers came around, it was like, in two years, people are just speaking more English, but. I don't know, I guess I'm against assimilation.

• 47:55Speaker 03

  You gotta hold on.

• 47:56Stavros Halkias?

  Tell Uncle Sam to suck your dick.

• 47:57Speaker 03

  No, I know my mom tells me that my grandmother was like, my grandmother basically never learned English. It was very like, she was like, we're Spanish.

• 48:05Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:05Speaker 03

  It was like, these people, this country.

• 48:07Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:08Speaker 03

  And then I'm here like, na na na na. It's a graduation song. I was trying to sing the anthem and I did na na na na na.

• 48:14Stavros Halkias?

  Wait, where'd your mom grow up?

• 48:15Speaker 03

  Um, Mill Valley, which now is like a very bougie, like.

• 48:19Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, interesting.

• 48:20Speaker 03

  My mom's 80.

• 48:21Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 48:21Speaker 03

  Like when she was there, it was a train town. It's like, oh, yeah, my dreams. And now it's like this like gorgeous, it's like a, it's like a fucking tech adjacent. It's like an hour from San Francisco or something. So it's like, yeah.

• 48:32Stavros Halkias?

  Damn.

• 48:33Speaker 03

  Beautiful though.

• 48:33Stavros Halkias?

  They didn't hang on to any property? That would have been nice.

• 48:36Speaker 03

  Honey, I don't wanna get into it.

• 48:37Stavros Halkias?

  That would have been nice.

• 48:38Speaker 03

  No.

• 48:40Stavros Halkias?

  Damn. But I'm sure you got some sculptures when they die.

• 48:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. There's some stuff, yeah.

• 48:45Stavros Halkias?

  You got some stuff. You got like some, uh, I don't know, the bar from Cocktail that she designed.

• 48:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, there's some, there's some, exactly. They got me my whole career.

• 48:54Stavros Halkias?

  Did she work on anything cool?

• 48:55Speaker 03

  She actually has one, I have to say, really fucking cool cred.

• 48:58Stavros Halkias?

  Hit us with it.

• 48:59Speaker 03

  Why they call me a nepo baby. She made the Stonehenge prop that's in this spinal tap.

• 49:04Stavros Halkias?

  Whoa, that is fucking cool.

• 49:07Speaker 03

  No, it's cool. And she was like insanely hot.

• 49:10Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 49:11Speaker 03

  So it's like, it's cool.

• 49:11Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, that is awesome. How many like, how many fucking loser actors tried to fuck your mom on set?

• 49:16Speaker 03

  Well, Kevin Costner I know.

• 49:18Stavros Halkias?

  Wow, fuck.

• 49:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:20Stavros Halkias?

  Mr. Yellowstone himself.

• 49:22Speaker 03

  I know.

• 49:22Stavros Halkias?

  I just watched Robin, on Robin Hood. I just watched it, it was pretty good.

• 49:26Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 49:26Stavros Halkias?

  Did she do that?

• 49:27Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no, no, no. She did then like, just a lot of like advertisements. She had like some Devo music videos. She kind of was like all, and she was like a set painter too.

• 49:35Stavros Halkias?

  That's cool.

• 49:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:36Stavros Halkias?

  I know, it is cool where you, like, I, I was never really trying to be an actor. I randomly got into doing some shit. And you realize how cool the people that work on this shit are.

• 49:45Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 49:45Stavros Halkias?

  They're like, it's fun to, cause stand up and like. It's like just you by yourself and you're just you and fucking club owners and it just sucks.

• 49:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:53Stavros Halkias?

  And then you shoot something and it's like, hey, the props guy's fucking cool.

• 49:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know.

• 49:58Stavros Halkias?

  You know what I mean? Like, we're just hanging out. Like, this is a real human being. I don't have to deal with actors if I don't want to. If this person sucks, so yeah, anyway.

• 50:05Speaker 03

  It's all, by the way, shout out to the crew.

• 50:06Stavros Halkias?

  Shout out to the crew.

• 50:07Speaker 03

  Shout out to the crews, yeah.

• 50:08Stavros Halkias?

  Kevin Costner, nice try.

• 50:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know.

• 50:11Stavros Halkias?

  You didn't get to fuck Kate's mom.

• 50:12Speaker 03

  Damn, I know, I know.

• 50:14Stavros Halkias?

  Well, I wonder what period Costner this was. Was he, did he really have his fastball still?

• 50:19Speaker 03

  I think it was him, like, really hot, young, like, peak, kinda peaking.

• 50:23Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 50:24Speaker 03

  Maybe a little before.

• 50:25Stavros Halkias?

  Your dad's just like, "Have fun at work, babe."

• 50:29Speaker 03

  They weren't even together yet.

• 50:30Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, wow. Oh, wow. So she fucked Kevin Costner and lied to it to you?

• 50:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, probably. She was like, "Nothing ever happened, yeah, yeah, yeah." He asked me out a couple times. Yeah.

• 50:41Stavros Halkias?

  "I wasn't with your father, but it didn't, if he asks, definitely don't bring it up." You're like, "Why have we never seen Dances with Wolves?"

• 50:51Speaker 03

  Excluded from the archive.

• 50:52Stavros Halkias?

  You're watching Bull Durham, your dad's like, you just hear him fucking break a sculpture in the back. "Shut it off!"

• 51:01Stavros Halkias?

  "I have to go do dabs. I have to go do dabs to chill out."

• 51:05Speaker 03

  Oh, my God. I got, like, a dab thing sent to me. I mean, I can't, like...

• 51:09Stavros Halkias?

  It'll fuck your brain up.

• 51:10Speaker 03

  Well, it got sent to me and then I just gave it to, like, a much younger cousin and then years later was like, "I shouldn't have done that."

• 51:18Speaker 03

  That was crazy.

• 51:19Stavros Halkias?

  I fucked up their development.

• 51:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, completely. I was like, "Hey, I'm not gonna use this thing. You can handle it." Yeah, yeah, you're a teenage boy.

• 51:27Speaker 04

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• 51:54Speaker 00

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• 52:39Speaker 00

  and toes. Common side effect is nausea. For full prescribing information, call 1-833-4-NUR-TAC or visit Nurtac.com. All right, back to your podcast, playlist or whatever's keeping you going today.

• 52:54Stavros Halkias?

  I had to go on a little sobriety break, which is coming. We're close, we're like a month away.

• 52:59Speaker 03

  From what, all of it?

• 53:00Stavros Halkias?

  I did a, yeah, a year. I turned 35 February 11th. And I was, and I had a crazy year before and I was like, I need to fucking,

• 53:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 53:09Stavros Halkias?

  I need to chill, baby.

• 53:10Speaker 03

  It's good to pull back.

• 53:11Stavros Halkias?

  Good to pull back, but we're getting close and let's just say I'm not sticking with sobriety. Yeah, lessons learned. Didn't learn anything.

• 53:20Speaker 03

  What kind of, what kind of, you drink like, what's your cocktail?

• 53:24Stavros Halkias?

  I'm not a huge drinker. I really, it's more social drinking for me.

• 53:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, totally.

• 53:27Stavros Halkias?

  And it's more like, nice ass day, barbecue.

• 53:30Speaker 03

  You're fine. I'm not, you don't have to take a year off.

• 53:33Stavros Halkias?

  No, no, but it's weed and

• 53:34Speaker 03

  Weed, yeah, yeah.

• 53:34Stavros Halkias?

  It's weed and it's fucking, I was taking pills, just whatever you got.

• 53:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 53:39Stavros Halkias?

  I was taking them, those are awesome.

• 53:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 53:40Stavros Halkias?

  And that's probably bad. That's the, that's the worst one for you. I was just like, is any kind of, any kind of thing that people get addicted to, I was just fucking slamming.

• 53:49Speaker 03

  I have so much paranoia around specifically pill addiction. That it's like,

• 53:54Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. You won't do any of them?

• 53:56Speaker 03

  I'll do like, truly, I have, but also like, I have Klonopin in my bag right now, in case. Like, it's a very, like, I have a fucking pharmacy on me at all times that I've never touched.

• 54:05Stavros Halkias?

  Really?

• 54:06Speaker 03

  I'm not getting, I have Klonopin in there from, this is no exaggeration, it's easily seven years old.

• 54:10Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, wow.

• 54:11Speaker 03

  But, but it still works, because I have it, every now and then if I do, you know, you're going to fucking Australia, London, you gotta sleep. Snap one in half, I've never taken a full, I wouldn't dare.

• 54:18Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:19Speaker 03

  But when I take my half Klonopin, I'm like, oh no, I hope I don't get addicted, like, I just really, but I just, yeah, it's, it's just like a thing in my head with pills.

• 54:27Stavros Halkias?

  I get, I mean, you're fully right.

• 54:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:30Stavros Halkias?

  100%, like, a generation ago, like, people just constantly, who had backaches, just got addicted to heroin essentially. Just pill heroin, you're completely right about that one.

• 54:41Speaker 03

  Even something like this, like the jaw thing, I'm like, oh, I could see just something to just melt away the pain.

• 54:44Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, wouldn't be bad.

• 54:46Speaker 03

  It's a slippery slope.

• 54:47Stavros Halkias?

  Have a little fucking wine.

• 54:49Speaker 03

  I had some sake last night.

• 54:50Stavros Halkias?

  There we go.

• 54:51Speaker 03

  Didn't help.

• 54:51Stavros Halkias?

  Now we're talking, yeah, no, you're not gonna medicate with that, but, yeah, I don't know, I was just kinda getting.

• 54:57Speaker 03

  Getting addicted to sake would be really funny.

• 54:58Stavros Halkias?

  That would be really funny, just the weirdest person.

• 55:01Speaker 03

  That's it, yeah.

• 55:02Stavros Halkias?

  Just some fucking like guy who likes anime too much, he's doing it just to like, be like, I'm so Japanese, I'm even addicted to Japanese shit.

• 55:08Speaker 03

  Bottles of sake everywhere in his apartment, yeah.

• 55:12Stavros Halkias?

  It's like, how expensive, do heroin, it would be cheaper than fucking importing sake all the time. Do you have any, have you ever had like, felt like a vice, have you ever had, what's the closest thing?

• 55:24Speaker 03

  It's just so boring, but like, my phone, but like, truly, like, that's the thing I abuse.

• 55:31Stavros Halkias?

  You gotta get a brick.

• 55:32Speaker 03

  Like, I have a brick.

• 55:33Stavros Halkias?

  Do you like it?

• 55:34Speaker 03

  So, oh my god, so changed my life for a week, and then I was like, I don't know about that. Yeah, like, truly, like, got the brick, I was like, like, I felt like I was seeing colors for the first time, and I was like, I'm so present, and then I just, of course, right back in. That's like, I mean, I'm tied off, like, with my phone, I mean, I know that we all are, and he wants to hear about it, but like, that's the most destructive thing in my life, is my phone.

• 55:55Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, without question, we're so fucked.

• 55:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:58Stavros Halkias?

  That's one thing that I'm like, I have to tackle this as well at some point, I have started, I used to put it in a different room when I went to bed, but. I'm back. I guess that's probably what I've done. I've just replaced drugs with my phone.

• 56:10Speaker 03

  No, it's an amazing little ejection machine. It's like so powerful.

• 56:14Stavros Halkias?

  They gotta stop putting like ladies working out with huge tits.

• 56:18Speaker 03

  I know with AI.

• 56:19Stavros Halkias?

  They gotta get that out of here. I'm gonna, I'm not gonna be able to help myself.

• 56:23Speaker 03

  You're gonna endlessly scroll on that. Yeah.

• 56:26Stavros Halkias?

  We should do that. We should fucking go to Washington, a march on Washington. Make shit a little, make the ladies on there less hot. Make the guys getting hit in the nuts less funny. You should make it shittier. That's how we do it. Apparently they're gonna sell TikTok. I guess we should keep it not topical.

• 56:43Speaker 03

  January 20th, what is it? 19th?

• 56:45Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 56:45Speaker 03

  That's the big day?

• 56:46Stavros Halkias?

  It's probably today.

• 56:47Speaker 03

  They're not gonna.

• 56:48Stavros Halkias?

  They've sold TikTok. Yeah, yeah.

• 56:49Speaker 03

  Did it happen?

• 56:50Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. TikTok has either been sold or it hasn't.

• 56:53Speaker 03

  There's no way.

• 56:54Stavros Halkias?

  They're not.

• 56:55Speaker 03

  There's no way.

• 56:55Stavros Halkias?

  Someone's gonna buy it. They're not gonna shut down fucking TikTok. And then this comes out the day they fucking shut it down. But I mean Instagram. Instagram reels are boy fucking Zuckerberg, our sexy Mark.

• 57:08Speaker 03

  I know.

• 57:08Stavros Halkias?

  Have you seen him?

• 57:09Speaker 03

  I'm like, this, no, he got, he got a new face.

• 57:11Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 57:12Speaker 03

  He got filler. I go, well, correct. If you're that rich, of course.

• 57:16Stavros Halkias?

  He's got fucking, he's got weird hair.

• 57:18Speaker 03

  His whole face is different now, right?

• 57:19Stavros Halkias?

  He's got like chains. But even, yes, he's definitely gotten something. He started doing jujitsu. Which I guess if you would be rich, I just don't understand why he's still doing a job. I guess those guys just like the thrill of it.

• 57:31Speaker 03

  You like take calls, right?

• 57:33Stavros Halkias?

  And so many people have to listen to you.

• 57:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:36Stavros Halkias?

  I guess those guys don't, you never get that rich by being good at chilling. Like in my head, I'm like, cash out.

• 57:41Speaker 03

  Vacation, yeah, of course, of course. It's so crazy that I don't cash out.

• 57:45Stavros Halkias?

  That's insane. That's why I say the only one I respect is MySpace Tom.

• 57:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, cause he got out.

• 57:50Stavros Halkias?

  He got out, sold to Rupert Murdoch, by the way. He lost a bunch of money. Sold MySpace for $500 million. It fucking, nothing. Cost Rupert Murdoch money. And now he's like a fucking photographer. And he's just going to cool places, taking pictures.

• 58:04Speaker 03

  How old was he then? Like, how old was he? It's like, was he like 19? Like, what, like, what was that? He must have been really young.

• 58:10Stavros Halkias?

  Pretty young, yeah. And then he sold it. And now he's out there. I think he's got a sexy wife.

• 58:15Speaker 03

  I should fucking hope so.

• 58:17Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Shout out to MySpace Tom. Tom, come on the podcast, man. We'd love to have you, brother. We'd love.

• 58:23Speaker 03

  Very zen life.

• 58:24Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Well, what's the, what's the place you, okay, you cash out. What are you doing? What's the setup? Where are you moving?

• 58:32Speaker 03

  Oh my god, I want a home. Okay, well, obviously, get a great, get an amazing New York City apartment.

• 58:37Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 58:38Speaker 03

  I want a great apartment in Mexico City.

• 58:40Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 58:41Speaker 03

  I want apartment in London, obviously. And then I want like a fun like beach spot.

• 58:45Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 58:46Speaker 03

  Maybe somewhere in the Yucatan.

• 58:48Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, right.

• 58:48Speaker 03

  And then we're really getting into this. And then I guess maybe like a mountain house, Colorado or something.

• 58:53Stavros Halkias?

  And how much time are you spending in each place?

• 58:55Speaker 03

  Every other Christmas in Colorado.

• 58:57Stavros Halkias?

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 58:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:58Stavros Halkias?

  So we're not renting it, we're buying a place, but you've got.

• 59:00Speaker 03

  Buying, and then for friends, relatives, hey.

• 59:04Stavros Halkias?

  That's a cool move. If you're rich as hell and you let your boys use the fucking.

• 59:08Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 59:08Stavros Halkias?

  Use the chalet.

• 59:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 59:10Stavros Halkias?

  Yep, eldest, anytime you want to go to the shitty house in Greertown that my brother's about to move out of, you can, you can stay there whenever you want, man. Yeah, I'll go, I'll go crash.

• 59:19Speaker 03

  Definitely the Mediterranean.

• 59:21Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 59:21Speaker 03

  Italy, I want to be on the coast.

• 59:23Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, I have to, I had to do this to you, one place, you gotta stick, what's the one place out of all those? It is LA.

• 59:30Speaker 03

  Like if I only could live in one place?

• 59:31Stavros Halkias?

  Only can live in one spot.

• 59:32Speaker 03

  LA, I'm just very like home. I mean, what, you'd be in like truly one place forever? I guess maybe New York, but I'd have to be an orphan. My parents would have to no longer be living, which will never happen, of course. So, yeah. So in a crazy universe where.

• 59:45Stavros Halkias?

  It'll never, you said your mom was eighty?

• 59:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. So it looks like I'll be living here forever.

• 59:53Stavros Halkias?

  See, that's the, that's where, growing up in a loving family, that's the flip side.

• 59:57Speaker 03

  Oh, I remember talking once to a therapist years ago, I go, maybe I should start separating now. I go, maybe I should start, be like, I don't know about you, actually.

• 1:00:06Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:06Speaker 03

  Try to love someone less.

• 1:00:08Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, no, that's over. No, I mean, I've, I mean, well, my mom, oh, that's gonna be brutal. My dad, I will be pretty sad. You know, I'll keep it at that.

• 1:00:15Speaker 03

  No, no, no. Dad, Dad, you hate to see it happen. It fucking sucks. Moms, they have to figure out a pill so that moms don't die. I mean, it is like.

• 1:00:25Stavros Halkias?

  It's, it's fucked up. That's when you need pills.

• 1:00:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:29Stavros Halkias?

  Keep those Clonies.

• 1:00:30Speaker 03

  For sure.

• 1:00:31Stavros Halkias?

  Keep those Clonies around.

• 1:00:32Speaker 03

  Pills.

• 1:00:32Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah. Damn, yeah. Yeah, so anyway, everybody, everybody at home thinking about your parents dying, it's okay.

• 1:00:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:40Stavros Halkias?

  It'll happen sometime.

• 1:00:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, just keep going.

• 1:00:42Stavros Halkias?

  Keep, keep it moving. But yeah, and then everyone has a shitty family. Look at that.

• 1:00:46Speaker 03

  Enjoy.

• 1:00:46Stavros Halkias?

  You're gonna be a lot less sad than Kate is when your parents die.

• 1:00:50Speaker 03

  For sure. I know, I know.

• 1:00:52Stavros Halkias?

  You're kind of paying for it.

• 1:00:54Speaker 03

  Enjoy it.

• 1:00:54Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, it's kind of, all the love accumulates into sadness interest when a tragedy happens. So silver lining to all our fucked up listeners.

• 1:01:03Speaker 03

  If there really is a silver lining for y'all.

• 1:01:05Stavros Halkias?

  Silver lining, silver lining. If your dad, if your dad tried to pay his rent in camel cash, silver lining. When he dies, you probably will be like, oh dang.

• 1:01:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:01:17Stavros Halkias?

  And then move on and just be kind of sad when you have Chipotle that day.

• 1:01:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:01:21Stavros Halkias?

  It's like, the steak isn't hitting, my dad died. That'll be, that'll be the biggest thing. Yeah, that's what, so, um, yeah, so I just, um, I guess I, I don't, I were, how about, have you had, was the, okay, I guess we don't have to talk about death, but, um, I guess asking somebody what the first funeral they went to is not a fun question, but here we are.

• 1:01:45Speaker 03

  First funeral.

• 1:01:46Stavros Halkias?

  It's the first funeral. What did we go to? I, I think mine was just some Greek guy I did not care about at all. And then I was kind of like, this is kind of fun.

• 1:01:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, totally.

• 1:01:56Stavros Halkias?

  I was little as fuck.

• 1:01:57Speaker 03

  I think my first funeral was open casket, actually.

• 1:02:01Stavros Halkias?

  That's tough. That's tough.

• 1:02:03Speaker 03

  Yeah. No one I was close to.

• 1:02:06Stavros Halkias?

  No one you were close to?

• 1:02:07Speaker 03

  No one I was particularly close to.

• 1:02:08Stavros Halkias?

  Well, that's.

• 1:02:09Speaker 03

  Ooh, yeah.

• 1:02:09Stavros Halkias?

  That's, that's even, that's kind of weird. That's like a kid going to the science center.

• 1:02:13Speaker 03

  It is like a, I feel like I have six memories and that's one of them.

• 1:02:15Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:17Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:02:17Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, why are they all fucking weird looking like that?

• 1:02:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:02:21Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, damn.

• 1:02:22Speaker 03

  I did not approach the casket.

• 1:02:24Stavros Halkias?

  Where do you want to go? What do you want to do?

• 1:02:25Speaker 03

  Hip from a coconut.

• 1:02:28Speaker 03

  I want to be on vacation, coconut hits me on the head and knocks me out.

• 1:02:32Stavros Halkias?

  And then, do you want to be one of those tree pod people?

• 1:02:34Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, it's putting the earth in the tree.

• 1:02:36Stavros Halkias?

  Seems kind of fun.

• 1:02:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, being incinerated, mm.

• 1:02:40Stavros Halkias?

  I don't want that. I'm too beautiful.

• 1:02:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, think a tree.

• 1:02:43Stavros Halkias?

  Plus, if you incinerate me, that's like, you know, when you fucking try and grill pork belly and there's flare ups?

• 1:02:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:48Stavros Halkias?

  Be a little.

• 1:02:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, you take a second.

• 1:02:50Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to get smoky in there.

• 1:02:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:02:53Stavros Halkias?

  That has to happen, right? Fat guys get incinerated, they get smokier.

• 1:02:56Speaker 03

  And they.

• 1:02:58Stavros Halkias?

  Do they cut your fat out before?

• 1:02:59Speaker 03

  They might have to reposition you a few times.

• 1:03:01Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. They flip you over to get an even sear.

• 1:03:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:05Stavros Halkias?

  You start a grease fire at the fucking burning place.

• 1:03:11Stavros Halkias?

  That's fucking hilarious. Yeah, that is so fu- do they chop you up when they incinerate you?

• 1:03:18Speaker 03

  You know what's crazy? No.

• 1:03:19Stavros Halkias?

  They don't?

• 1:03:19Speaker 03

  No, they just put you in.

• 1:03:21Stavros Halkias?

  Just one big ass thing?

• 1:03:22Speaker 03

  They don't chop.

• 1:03:22Stavros Halkias?

  I guess that's-

• 1:03:23Speaker 03

  They chop, I guess so funny. They mutilate you, they chop you up. They chop you on up and they put you in.

• 1:03:29Stavros Halkias?

  Like a butcher? They're like, "Look, we don't got a big oven."

• 1:03:33Speaker 03

  I think it's that they put you in and it's all about getting the hearth, the abdomen. It's not called the hearth, but that's where all the like-

• 1:03:39Stavros Halkias?

  The hearth is an oven, I believe.

• 1:03:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, so they put you in the hearth.

• 1:03:43Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting.

• 1:03:43Speaker 03

  And then, yeah, I think it's all about, you just kind of go up in flames, I've heard.

• 1:03:47Stavros Halkias?

  You know a lot about this, I didn't realize.

• 1:03:49Speaker 03

  I watch Six Feet Under a lot, yeah.

• 1:03:50Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, right. That's true, I guess that's true, they put those guys in.

• 1:03:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, they're heavily featured.

• 1:03:55Stavros Halkias?

  But that's Hollywood, you never know.

• 1:03:56Speaker 03

  You never-

• 1:03:57Stavros Halkias?

  I'm thinking of a guy with a fucking chainsaw.

• 1:04:00Speaker 03

  Chop me up first.

• 1:04:01Stavros Halkias?

  Putting a leg up.

• 1:04:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:04:02Stavros Halkias?

  You could, you should be asked to be chopped up, that could be fun.

• 1:04:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, if you want to be chopped.

• 1:04:07Stavros Halkias?

  I want to be chopped up.

• 1:04:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:04:08Stavros Halkias?

  I want to know that somebody had to fucking cut through the gristle with a chainsaw. Could be fun. Maybe not for them, but for me. I'm watching from heaven. It's where they're like-

• 1:04:19Speaker 03

  Heaven, yeah, they-

• 1:04:20Stavros Halkias?

  You know?

• 1:04:22Speaker 03

  It's really, it's like, it's like, you're buried or you're burned alive. Oh no, you're not alive, you're dead.

• 1:04:27Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:28Speaker 03

  But it's kind of like-

• 1:04:29Stavros Halkias?

  There's no middle ground?

• 1:04:30Speaker 03

  That's it?

• 1:04:30Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:31Speaker 03

  Buried or burned. I guess, right, what else?

• 1:04:33Stavros Halkias?

  And if you burn them, it was cool-

• 1:04:35Speaker 03

  Cast?

• 1:04:35Stavros Halkias?

  It was cool when they put you out in the sea and they hit you with an arrow.

• 1:04:38Speaker 03

  That's cool.

• 1:04:39Stavros Halkias?

  That's fucking cool. But in a big oven? Like what, like your fucking trash?

• 1:04:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, exactly.

• 1:04:45Stavros Halkias?

  No thanks. Yeah, I guess I gotta go in the, I gotta be a tree guy. I want to be a tree.

• 1:04:50Speaker 03

  Tree's cool.

• 1:04:50Stavros Halkias?

  And I want to be a fun tree. Is, are pineapples trees?

• 1:04:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:04:55Stavros Halkias?

  I'm a big pineapple fan.

• 1:04:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, they're, they're... Wait, yeah, and the ground? How are those ground?

• 1:05:01Stavros Halkias?

  They must be, right? Yeah. Or do they just come out like potatoes? I'll just do a little fucking producing. I'll just do some fucking producing.

• 1:05:10Speaker 03

  It's gotta be a tree, it's gotta be a vine, a plant?

• 1:05:11Speaker 05

  Not a tree, but a flowering plant in the-

• 1:05:14Speaker 03

  Number one, relax. I hear tree. I hear flowering plant, yeah.

• 1:05:19Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, so I guess I have to go somewhere tropical. Destination Funeral, why don't they do those?

• 1:05:24Speaker 03

  God, that's good.

• 1:05:25Stavros Halkias?

  That could be fun.

• 1:05:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:26Stavros Halkias?

  If you're rich as hell, pay for everybody to have a vacation.

• 1:05:30Speaker 03

  I mean, this is what people don't know how to use their money.

• 1:05:33Stavros Halkias?

  They put you in a fucking coconut or a fucking pineapple flower.

• 1:05:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:36Stavros Halkias?

  Just a big ass.

• 1:05:38Speaker 03

  That would be a real gift to give the living.

• 1:05:39Stavros Halkias?

  And then I want you, but then you have to eat my, my pineapples afterwards.

• 1:05:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:43Stavros Halkias?

  That's the trade off. I want you to.

• 1:05:45Speaker 03

  You have to ingest the dead.

• 1:05:46Stavros Halkias?

  Feast on me, to enjoy me one last time by eating like pineapples from your dead uncle. That would be fucking. I wonder how I'd feel if I would eat fruit from my, say my uncle Dimitri died. Would I eat his fruit that came from him? You wouldn't, elders?

• 1:06:03Speaker 05

  I don't know. I don't want to eat fruit from like one of my relatives. Maybe my mom or dad, but.

• 1:06:08Speaker 03

  But not someone.

• 1:06:10Speaker 05

  The uncles, I don't know.

• 1:06:13Stavros Halkias?

  Your Albanian uncle, you don't want to eat his fucking figs?

• 1:06:16Speaker 03

  They're gonna do something with mushrooms, right? And like burials, like isn't that mushrooms are like the.

• 1:06:20Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:21Speaker 03

  You know, everything, the new economy across every area of life.

• 1:06:25Stavros Halkias?

  You're psychedelics guy? You do mushrooms?

• 1:06:28Speaker 03

  You have to ask? No, um, I mean, yeah, not like a term.

• 1:06:33Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that'd be fun. Make mushrooms out of you and then your fucking friends have to trip on you.

• 1:06:39Speaker 03

  That would be hell, by the way.

• 1:06:40Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:41Speaker 03

  Imagine the grief process with that.

• 1:06:43Stavros Halkias?

  That's kind of fun.

• 1:06:44Speaker 03

  Actually, maybe that's good.

• 1:06:45Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, they're like, wow. Imagine if you could come back as a ghost, but only like that and you could fuck with your friends? If you ate my mushrooms, elders, I would 100% fuck with you.

• 1:06:53Speaker 05

  You wouldn't fuck with me. My mind is too strong.

• 1:06:56Stavros Halkias?

  No, no, no.

• 1:06:57Speaker 05

  I'm not putting up with this shit.

• 1:06:59Stavros Halkias?

  You're weak.

• 1:07:00Speaker 05

  I'm not putting this shit up in the terrestrial realm or from beyond.

• 1:07:06Stavros Halkias?

  Nah, dude, you're fucking eating my death mushrooms. You're eating my death pineapple.

• 1:07:09Speaker 03

  Do you do ghosts?

• 1:07:11Stavros Halkias?

  Um, yeah, I'll, I'll get back in there. I feel like my brain is feeble right now.

• 1:07:16Speaker 03

  Like you're open to it?

• 1:07:17Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, I just feel like I would get fucked up by, like the last time I did mushrooms, I had a horrible time because I was like, oh.

• 1:07:24Speaker 03

  I had a bad time too, actually.

• 1:07:26Stavros Halkias?

  I'm fucking sad.

• 1:07:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:27Stavros Halkias?

  And they really tell you.

• 1:07:28Speaker 03

  My last, I, because I did like a big thing in the mountains, whatever, a few months ago.

• 1:07:33Stavros Halkias?

  When you're like planning it and it doesn't go.

• 1:07:35Speaker 03

  Well, when I tell you.

• 1:07:38Speaker 03

  I was literally seeing like texts. It was my phone.

• 1:07:42Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, no.

• 1:07:43Speaker 03

  It was like, so what I saw was, it was a dragon breathing fire for hours. And I felt like the weight of like the world's grief. I was just sobbing for hours, which is good. At the very least, you get to cry out of it. No, it was good. It was a good.

• 1:07:56Stavros Halkias?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:07:57Speaker 03

  And then just like, my phone. I was seeing texts from people that I had forgotten to respond to. I saw, no, not kidding. A text from this, this woman I kind of know being like, hey, would you want to drop in and do a set? I was like, I never got back.

• 1:08:08Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, no.

• 1:08:09Speaker 03

  It was all like these small, social, like missteps. And it was just texts. It was just texts.

• 1:08:16Stavros Halkias?

  That's nuts. Yeah, you gotta get off your phone.

• 1:08:18Speaker 03

  Well, by the way, I like, I came back, as you can imagine, and I was like, brick me. Brick me about the brick.

• 1:08:23Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:24Speaker 03

  I was doing, because I used to go like a month off, not look at all.

• 1:08:26Stavros Halkias?

  Sure.

• 1:08:26Speaker 03

  But then you're back, you relapsed, you're amazing.

• 1:08:28Stavros Halkias?

  Wow, seeing your phone during a mushroom trip in the mountains, too. It wasn't like a impromptu, take some mushrooms at home. It was like-

• 1:08:35Speaker 03

  No, I drove for hours. Yeah, I was spending the night. I was, I mean, I did a full ceremony and I was just like, my phone. I didn't respond.

• 1:08:47Stavros Halkias?

  I left a mid-level booker on red.

• 1:08:50Speaker 03

  I mean, yeah. And then me just weeping. It was like, my life has to change.

• 1:08:58Stavros Halkias?

  Well, that's beautiful. I think we have, I think we, we've gotten an idea of the kind of people we're dealing with here between Kate and myself, folks. We're ready to really guide. The way those mushrooms guided you towards the brick.

• 1:09:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:09:11Stavros Halkias?

  Momentarily, I think we're ready to guide.

• 1:09:13Speaker 03

  And I'm putting on my jacket.

• 1:09:15Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you're getting serious.

• 1:09:16Speaker 03

  Cold yet sweating, yeah.

• 1:09:17Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, interesting. I'm fucking, I'm fucking burning up over here. I hope I had, I hope I'm okay.

• 1:09:26Stavros Halkias?

  I've had a lot of coffees.

• 1:09:27Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, I know. I have my Celsius here.

• 1:09:29Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, Celsius is a, that's tough. Go ahead, little LD, play us something.

• 1:09:35Speaker 06

  Hey, so, hey, Eldon.

• 1:09:37Stavros Halkias?

  We don't see the thing.

• 1:09:37Speaker 06

  So, I've kind of-

• 1:09:44Stavros Halkias?

  What are you doing?

• 1:09:46Stavros Halkias?

  What the fuck are you doing? Sorry. We were in a real bullshit operation here. That's what you get. Do you know any Albanians, Kate? We like to cover that with our guests. This is Albanian. Nope.

• 1:10:04Stavros Halkias?

  Lucky you.

• 1:10:07Stavros Halkias?

  Come on, what the fuck are you doing? You're just typing the word "display"?

• 1:10:13Stavros Halkias?

  What did you even do, dumbass? Dude, you're fucking embarrassing me. How fucking dare you? I bring you to fucking sunny Los Angeles. I take you from your family after I promised you a week off. And I was like, "Actually, dude, we have to go to LA last minute." And this is how you fucking repay me? Oh, you got it, buddy.

• 1:10:37Stavros Halkias?

  But you gotta put it up front. And you gotta get away with the fuck the stage manager is out of there. All right, great, we did it.

• 1:10:44Speaker 04

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• 1:11:11Speaker 00

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• 1:11:54Speaker 00

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• 1:12:11Speaker 06

  Uh, hey, Eldis. So, I have kind of a two-part question.

• 1:12:16Stavros Halkias?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:12:17Speaker 06

  Um, my ex-boyfriend and I, we remained friends after we broke up.

• 1:12:22Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting.

• 1:12:22Speaker 06

  And after we broke up, I downloaded, you know, all the regular dating apps. And I would get the fucking, what's it called, like a super like sent to me each time on every single app by one of my ex-boyfriend's best friends.

• 1:12:42Stavros Halkias?

  Ooh.

• 1:12:43Speaker 06

  And so I guess...

• 1:12:44Stavros Halkias?

  Damn, super like across platforms? Not even one? Not even the like, "Look, I'll match her if she matches me, great." But the super like on Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, he's probably paying for those, too. I don't think those are free. Interesting. Well, okay, that's... what a scumbag. Keep going, Eldis.

• 1:13:05Speaker 06

  The question is two-part because I want to know, should I view that as kind of like shitty behavior? This best friend, he knew him since like third grade.

• 1:13:17Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, my God. This is crazy. No, no. Should I view it as shitty behavior? Yeah, yeah. That's part one? Part two is, I'm, he's gotten me pregnant. Yeah, and... And I want to trick the other guy into thinking it's his kid. Uh, okay, what else? This is awesome.

• 1:13:38Speaker 06

  And we're in our late twenties. Um, so should I view that as shitty behavior? Because I do. And then, the second part of the question is, should I tell my ex-boyfriend? My friend, that his friend has essentially tried to date me for like fucking three years?

• 1:13:58Stavros Halkias?

  Well, I don't know about dates.

• 1:13:58Speaker 06

  Like as soon as we broke up.

• 1:14:00Stavros Halkias?

  That's like, get crazy.

• 1:14:02Speaker 06

  Like, I don't know, I haven't told him because I feel like that would ruin his friendship with one of his oldest friends, you know?

• 1:14:08Stavros Halkias?

  But, man.

• 1:14:09Speaker 06

  So, is that shitty to do?

• 1:14:12Stavros Halkias?

  Yes.

• 1:14:13Speaker 06

  Send a fucking super like to the ex-girlfriend of one of your best friends?

• 1:14:16Stavros Halkias?

  Sweetie.

• 1:14:17Speaker 06

  And like repeatedly try to date her.

• 1:14:19Stavros Halkias?

  Saying it out loud is so funny.

• 1:14:21Speaker 06

  I don't know. The internet. It's fucking weird. So...

• 1:14:25Stavros Halkias?

  The internet's weird? I mean, this is nuts.

• 1:14:28Speaker 03

  You do know. You keep saying, "I don't know." There's a Libra issue here, doll. You do know.

• 1:14:32Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, that is true. Like, I mean, they've stayed friends. Now, the question, the fact that she's even like, "Is this shitty?" Ridiculous. Of course, it's shitty. But "do you tell?" is a little more interesting. Because, I mean, my, if this is me...

• 1:14:47Speaker 03

  You don't tell. You just leave it alone.

• 1:14:49Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Well, they stayed friends, though, she said. Now, what, now, did you actually stay friends? Or is this like an amicable breakup?

• 1:14:57Speaker 03

  I forgot about that detail.

• 1:14:58Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, no, if you're, if you're broken up, broken up, and you have no contact, you don't fucking, you don't reopen, you don't text your friend like, "Hey, by the way, your friend tried to fuck," or your ex. "Hey, by the way, your friend tried to fuck me," because that can seem kind of like gloating, kind of shitty behavior.

• 1:15:13Speaker 03

  Stayed friends.

• 1:15:15Stavros Halkias?

  I guess the answer lies in how true of a friendship they have. You know what I mean? Like, if, but how true could they have?

• 1:15:22Speaker 03

  If they're like, you're friendly with your ex, there's no bad blood, I think you'd maybe still leave it alone. If you're really close...

• 1:15:30Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Or even if, if you see him and it comes up. But now, would I...

• 1:15:34Speaker 03

  I need more information.

• 1:15:36Stavros Halkias?

  Would I like to, I mean, yeah, I mean...

• 1:15:38Speaker 03

  Call her.

• 1:15:38Stavros Halkias?

  The more information, the information we need is about her and her ex. My hunch is, probably when she says they stayed friends, it's just they don't hate each other.

• 1:15:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:15:47Stavros Halkias?

  People just, people like confuse being, like, just being adults and not

• 1:15:52Speaker 03

  Right, right, right.

• 1:15:53Stavros Halkias?

  like trying to ruin each other's lives and being friends. Because it's like, if what you mean by be friends is, if you see him on the street, you'll be like, "Hey, what's up?" And you're like, chat for two minutes?

• 1:16:02Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:16:03Stavros Halkias?

  That's not enough to tell him.

• 1:16:04Speaker 03

  No, that's not a friendship.

• 1:16:05Stavros Halkias?

  Even if you have any kind of relationship and you act, now, this is where we have to trust you. And that's hard, because she started this call with, "Is this shitty behavior?" So, so her, so her judgments aren't the clearest.

• 1:16:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:19Stavros Halkias?

  But if you think you're of an actual friendship with this guy, I think you could tell. Would I like to know this?

• 1:16:25Speaker 03

  Right, right, right.

• 1:16:26Stavros Halkias?

  Now, let's flip it there. Would I like to know this?

• 1:16:30Speaker 03

  Fuck.

• 1:16:31Stavros Halkias?

  How long were they together, did she say, Aldous?

• 1:16:33Speaker 05

  Uh...

• 1:16:35Stavros Halkias?

  She didn't.

• 1:16:36Speaker 05

  Not really, but...

• 1:16:38Stavros Halkias?

  And it's been years, this guy's been trying to fuck her for years.

• 1:16:40Speaker 03

  For years, wait, so he's continuing to do this for years?

• 1:16:42Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, every time, every time she comes up on his like, dating profile, he super likes her. The super like is a nuts maneuver.

• 1:16:50Speaker 03

  I've, wait, so I've like, never been on those apps, so I don't even know. So what's the super like?

• 1:16:55Stavros Halkias?

  So it's like, uh, because, yeah, so there's the regular swipe, which, the way these things work, women will never see, right? Cause it's like, every guy's like, I'd fuck her.

• 1:17:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, right, right, right.

• 1:17:06Stavros Halkias?

  So they had to institute a, she at least has to look at your face to reject you, think. That's what the super like is. So you can send like-

• 1:17:13Speaker 05

  Like, if you, if you both like each other, it'll show up in your inbox, but the super like makes it so that she doesn't have to like you back and it'll still show up in, in her inbox.

• 1:17:23Stavros Halkias?

  She'll at least see that you like- Front of the line, hey, decide whether you like this guy or not.

• 1:17:28Speaker 03

  Well, I, I'm gonna go somewhere that, there might be something subtextual here, I don't wonder if she's interested.

• 1:17:33Stavros Halkias?

  Ooh.

• 1:17:33Speaker 03

  Because I go, you, is this shitty behavior, is this shitty behavior?

• 1:17:37Stavros Halkias?

  Hmm.

• 1:17:38Speaker 03

  I think she's questioning maybe her own motives, maybe.

• 1:17:41Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting, interesting.

• 1:17:42Speaker 03

  Is this wrong, is this wrong?

• 1:17:44Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, cause like, why would you-

• 1:17:45Speaker 03

  Almost wanting someone to say, eh, there's only so many people out there. He likes you, what are you gonna do? I think there's a little something going on here.

• 1:17:54Stavros Halkias?

  That, that is interesting, cause I did sort of think that other shoe was gonna drop at some point in this call. But, it's also like, if that isn't the case, why do you still care? Cause didn't you say he's been doing this for years?

• 1:18:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:18:07Stavros Halkias?

  It's like, at this point, who gives a fuck? Why are you even paying attention to it?

• 1:18:11Speaker 03

  Where are these people living? I'm like, are you all in different cities? Like, I'm ex, I am a-

• 1:18:15Stavros Halkias?

  They're probably in a small, smaller town.

• 1:18:17Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:18:17Stavros Halkias?

  What's the area code, scroll up?

• 1:18:21Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, I don't know what that is, but whatever, who gives a fuck?

• 1:18:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:18:24Stavros Halkias?

  We won't, we won't dox them, but let's see.

• 1:18:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:18:26Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, yeah, some, some shitty, it looks like kind of, yeah, this place, that would make sense. The dating pool's shallower, but yeah, I mean-

• 1:18:36Speaker 03

  As you said, what kind of friendship are we talking about?

• 1:18:39Stavros Halkias?

  If you have an actual friendship, maybe. But even then, it's like-

• 1:18:44Speaker 03

  These motherfuckers are not friends, these two guys are not close friends, right?

• 1:18:47Stavros Halkias?

  Well, they are unfortunately, but that's the level of friendship we're dealing with here. That's the thing, like, that's the thing, is like, this is not, this isn't a good guy. I can't imagine, like, look, if a friend's ex-

• 1:19:01Stavros Halkias?

  To like swipe right on her and be like, if she likes me back.

• 1:19:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:06Stavros Halkias?

  It's like, it's like, I'm not making any decisions. This is just a fact finding swipe.

• 1:19:10Speaker 03

  Right, right.

• 1:19:11Stavros Halkias?

  You know what I mean? I am not necessarily gonna try and fuck her. Now, if she wants to fuck me. Then I have to do my due diligence and really run the numbers. But the super like is like, fuck my friend. And to do it over and over again.

• 1:19:25Speaker 05

  On every platform.

• 1:19:25Speaker 03

  Aggressive.

• 1:19:26Stavros Halkias?

  So he's definitely a scumbag. That's true. And then the answer is like, how much do you really want to get in there? Who fucking cares? It's your ex.

• 1:19:33Speaker 03

  Just let it go.

• 1:19:34Stavros Halkias?

  You're in your, she said she's in her late twenties. So you broke up in your mid twenties.

• 1:19:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:19:39Stavros Halkias?

  Fuck, just move on with your life. And even maybe block this guy. Um, or even be like, match with him and be like, if you keep doing this, I'm telling Dan.

• 1:19:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:19:49Stavros Halkias?

  And that, and then, and that's it. That's, that's the solution.

• 1:19:52Speaker 03

  Tell him you're gonna tell Dan.

• 1:19:53Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:56Stavros Halkias?

  He's like, oh, so you're messaging back.

• 1:19:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:00Stavros Halkias?

  He's still trying to fuck her. It's the, it's like the guy playing the violin is the Titanic.

• 1:20:04Speaker 05

  Let me try to talk you out of it. Go to dinner with me one night.

• 1:20:07Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a real serious issue. She's so, she might even fall for that, honestly, unfortunately. Cause she doesn't even know if this is shitty or not. I don't know, it's betray, trying to betray your friend. Pathetically trying and failing.

• 1:20:23Speaker 03

  Got to keep doing it. It's really bold.

• 1:20:27Stavros Halkias?

  And also like so weird and sad.

• 1:20:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:20:30Stavros Halkias?

  Like, I bet you if she, if she hit him up, he wouldn't even really know what to do.

• 1:20:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, totally. Um, he's a coward.

• 1:20:37Stavros Halkias?

  Fuck this guy. I actually hate him. He can't be fucking a friend's ex, trying to fuck a friend's ex. Go ahead, Eldis.

• 1:20:44Speaker 07

  Hey, Stubb, hey, Eldis, hey, guest. Uh, I'm calling because I need a little bit of advice on a situation. Um, first thing, I'm married and I have a 14 month old son. Do not worry, I do not want to cheat. I'm incredibly happy. Life is great. I work in, um, niche, sort of high end retail sales. Um, customer facing. And I have a client that is a. Child agent, an agent for babies and children in film and media.

• 1:21:17Stavros Halkias?

  That's what we're talking about.

• 1:21:19Speaker 07

  And like, not to brag, but I have an exceptionally cute son.

• 1:21:23Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 1:21:23Speaker 03

  Protect him with everything you have.

• 1:21:25Speaker 07

  And this client does happen to be a very good client and spends a fair amount of money with us.

• 1:21:29Speaker 03

  Ooh.

• 1:21:30Speaker 07

  She saw a picture of my son on my phone and has since been kind of hounding me.

• 1:21:35Stavros Halkias?

  I don't know about this already. Oh, a baby talent agent desperately wants access to your child?

• 1:21:44Speaker 03

  A baby talent agent is the most bottom feeder shit. By the way, and she's rich.

• 1:21:51Stavros Halkias?

  She's rich.

• 1:21:51Speaker 03

  She's, she's like, yeah, I got cash.

• 1:21:53Stavros Halkias?

  Looks to the baby who's like ugly next.

• 1:21:56Speaker 03

  Imagine you see, oh, it's your kid. Can I see, can I see your baby again? Like, like, imagine that moment where like, we sit there.

• 1:22:01Stavros Halkias?

  You have any other pictures?

• 1:22:02Speaker 03

  How tall, how long, how many inches? Like.

• 1:22:04Stavros Halkias?

  What percentile of weight? Insanity. You're right. This is like such a crazy person to be. Keep going, Eldis.

• 1:22:12Speaker 07

  Been kind of hounding me to get the kid involved in some of these photo shoots. And from the little she's told me, there is potentially a fair amount of money to be gained, which would be great for like his college fund and things like that.

• 1:22:28Speaker 03

  It's always about the fucking college fund with these people. Yeah, he's going to be molested beyond comprehension, but we got the college fund.

• 1:22:38Stavros Halkias?

  Come on, he's going to fucking U Penn.

• 1:22:40Speaker 03

  College is gonna be done in like two more years.

• 1:22:42Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah. College doesn't even exist, dude. You're so right.

• 1:22:46Speaker 07

  Or just generally his life later on when he would have access to it.

• 1:22:51Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:22:51Speaker 07

  But I kind of find it morally reprehensible to do that. Like, I'd be fine if he was like older and maybe like could say like, I like this, or I don't, or like even talk, but like for now, it's like 14 months, he's still learning like how to walk and stuff like that.

• 1:23:10Speaker 03

  You want to be a crafty when you're 14 and then?

• 1:23:15Stavros Halkias?

  Where are the unquestionables? He's just a tyrant. I want swing cheese. Throws fucking hot juice in a fucking lady's face.

• 1:23:27Speaker 07

  This client's relatively nice, but like they've started kind of like they've crossed the border into sort of hounding me about it. And I do not know how to tell them no.

• 1:23:42Speaker 03

  I need you to brick up.

• 1:23:45Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, dude, be a man. He's like, so what I'm thinking to do is kind of slash my son's face. Ruin his beauty so I can keep selling leather to some dumb bitch. Who fucking who books Gerber commercials? What the fuck? This lady buys a lot of jackets with us. So I'm thinking about now, should I be a man and tell her no?

• 1:24:08Speaker 03

  Get away from my baby.

• 1:24:09Stavros Halkias?

  Or should I put my adorable baby in one of the

• 1:24:12Speaker 03

  In harm's way.

• 1:24:13Stavros Halkias?

  In the most fraught fucking line of work a child possibly could get into. This is fucking awesome. We got it all. Couple more seconds.

• 1:24:24Speaker 07

  Potentially messing up the money in the situation. Like I said, this person comes in a lot and spends a good amount of money.

• 1:24:33Speaker 03

  They're not gonna stop.

• 1:24:34Speaker 07

  Laura, yeah, man, I hope you can give me some advice. Love the pod. Bye.

• 1:24:38Speaker 03

  She's not gonna stop coming to you and buying jackets. And you can say to her, so flattered by your interests. I'm gonna tell you exactly, write this down.

• 1:24:47Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:24:49Speaker 03

  Listen, so flattered by your interests. My wife and I have discussed this and it's just not something we're comfortable with.

• 1:24:53Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:54Speaker 03

  Hello?

• 1:24:55Stavros Halkias?

  Yep, done and done.

• 1:24:57Speaker 03

  You must have left a door open a crack if she's going, come in, come in. Ooh, 11 K's on the line. I mean, like, what is this?

• 1:25:05Stavros Halkias?

  What does it pay? What does a fucking Pampers commercial really pay?

• 1:25:09Speaker 03

  Pin it on your fucking wife.

• 1:25:11Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:11Speaker 03

  Say, I'm curious, but we've talked about it. She just isn't comfortable.

• 1:25:15Stavros Halkias?

  Me? I'd fucking throw him to the wool. I'd let him, I'd let fucking Harvey Weinstein babysit him if it was up to me. I'd say, let's get him tutored by Dan Schneider if it was up to me. But lady, sorry, you know.

• 1:25:28Speaker 03

  You just, yeah, you say, yeah, you just go over and over again. I'm so flattered in the eye. The kid's gorgeous.

• 1:25:35Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Can't do it.

• 1:25:37Speaker 03

  Do not do it.

• 1:25:38Stavros Halkias?

  Don't do it. Now, I, so the, here's the, the one way I could see it. Let's say this woman, him saying no, this woman.

• 1:25:47Speaker 03

  Pisses her off?

• 1:25:48Stavros Halkias?

  Pisses her off. She's like, what does that mean?

• 1:25:49Speaker 03

  You think I'm a prostitute?

• 1:25:51Stavros Halkias?

  What I do is unsavory?

• 1:25:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, you think I'm a pimp?

• 1:25:52Stavros Halkias?

  You think I'm Ghislaine Maxwell for babies?

• 1:25:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:25:55Stavros Halkias?

  I'm not, you know, like, it could, I could see that happening. At the, but at the same time, it's like, well, this is what having principles is. It's like, it's like, let's think the worst happens.

• 1:26:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:26:07Stavros Halkias?

  Is this lady buying fucking whatever bullshit luxury item, perfume from you?

• 1:26:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:26:13Stavros Halkias?

  More important than the like 11K your son makes at a, at a Gerber's commercial?

• 1:26:18Speaker 03

  Also.

• 1:26:19Stavros Halkias?

  Is that, would you pay that to have him get molested?

• 1:26:23Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 1:26:23Stavros Halkias?

  Think of it in those simple terms.

• 1:26:25Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 1:26:26Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, like.

• 1:26:26Speaker 03

  Childhood versus 11K.

• 1:26:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:29Speaker 03

  Also, if this woman is running a legitimate business, ostensibly, she's offering you cash, right? So if you, hey, you want this job? You say no. She should back off.

• 1:26:38Stavros Halkias?

  Right. I'm, I'm gonna say the biggest red flag here is that she won't fucking shut the fuck up. If she was like, look, hey, we do this. I'd love to, love to have your kid. I think you'd be perfect at it. And she just kinda brings it up every once in a while, but if she's getting pushy, I would just be like, no. I'm good. We're good. Thank you. We, we, we're not interested in it.

• 1:26:56Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 1:26:57Stavros Halkias?

  Very, now.

• 1:26:58Speaker 03

  If she takes away her business, she takes away her business.

• 1:27:00Stavros Halkias?

  To play devil's advocate here, I think.

• 1:27:03Speaker 03

  11K is 11K.

• 1:27:04Stavros Halkias?

  11K, 11K. It's like, if this is, if, if he honest, and this is not a, I don't think this, right? But I think it's incredibly fucked up to have kids, like we were saying, actors, whatever, if they're cognizant at all. But if he's some fucking little blob.

• 1:27:20Speaker 03

  He's a worm.

• 1:27:21Stavros Halkias?

  That's gonna fucking eat, you know, baby food and you get $20,000 for it and he'll have no memory? May, and you're there and your wife's there and, you know what I mean? Like.

• 1:27:31Speaker 03

  Totally, totally.

• 1:27:32Stavros Halkias?

  Maybe? But the second, he said, 14 months, this motherfucker's already probably said his first word.

• 1:27:36Speaker 03

  I'm actually, I'm overriding it. You can't even do that because these kids, they're sponges. They're sponges in the womb.

• 1:27:40Stavros Halkias?

  You're right, you're right.

• 1:27:41Speaker 03

  Prenatal. They're in there going, my father's yelling at my mother. Actually, they feel it. They're there, they're surrounded by strangers, there's hot lights on them.

• 1:27:50Stavros Halkias?

  You're right.

• 1:27:50Speaker 03

  People are bullshitting them.

• 1:27:52Stavros Halkias?

  You're right.

• 1:27:52Speaker 03

  They can feel it.

• 1:27:53Stavros Halkias?

  You're so, you know what, you're right.

• 1:27:54Speaker 03

  They go, "Where's my mom? Where am I?"

• 1:27:57Stavros Halkias?

  My friend told me, he was talking about how his daughter started talking, and when she started talking, she started telling him stuff, she started telling him memories she had from two months ago when she couldn't talk.

• 1:28:09Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no.

• 1:28:10Stavros Halkias?

  And they were like, and they were watching like some-

• 1:28:11Speaker 03

  Get me in touch with her, she's a genius.

• 1:28:12Stavros Halkias?

  Some movie, they were watching some like movie, and she was like, "Oh yeah, I remember that." And it's like, you're right, these fucking babies know shit, like, you know what I mean?

• 1:28:18Speaker 03

  They absorb everything.

• 1:28:20Stavros Halkias?

  Devil's Advocate has been completely rebuffed, uh, stop being a fucking coward because some pushy type. I mean, imagine what a dumb bitch this lady is, though. A baby agent? Can you imagine the-

• 1:28:31Speaker 03

  She's salivating over-

• 1:28:33Stavros Halkias?

  Like, imagine how like, won't take no for an answer this woman is.

• 1:28:37Speaker 03

  9.4 out of 10 babies are acceptable for commercials.

• 1:28:40Stavros Halkias?

  Totally true.

• 1:28:40Speaker 03

  This is not a real, you're not, I got an eye for babies, so it's like, no. They're anywhere, they're everywhere.

• 1:28:47Stavros Halkias?

  You're so fucking right.

• 1:28:48Speaker 03

  Oh my god, what is this?

• 1:28:49Stavros Halkias?

  That's not even a fucking skill at all. It's like, most babies are cute.

• 1:28:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, like, the babies, like, "I need a baby tomorrow," it's like, yeah, just get a baby then.

• 1:28:59Stavros Halkias?

  Go literally anywhere.

• 1:29:00Speaker 03

  They're gonna work.

• 1:29:01Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, that's so true. Alright, man, so be, stop being a fucking bitch and just like-

• 1:29:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, protect your child.

• 1:29:06Stavros Halkias?

  Protect your fucking baby at all costs.

• 1:29:11Stavros Halkias?

  Well, I still, I mean, my fucking scarf business is gonna take a hit.

• 1:29:14Speaker 03

  Our Maz is not gonna like this.

• 1:29:18Speaker 08

  Hey, Stavi, Aldous, or Eldus, you are an honored guest. Always listening, love the show. Just rented, um, let's start a cult on my roommate's ex-girlfriend's Amazon Prime account.

• 1:29:35Stavros Halkias?

  Very nice.

• 1:29:36Speaker 08

  So, uh, that's a plus, get me on a free episode, uh, maybe, who knows, doesn't matter. Um, given you a ring, uh, my girlfriend of like a year or so, really like her a lot. She kinda makes me feel bad for doing things that I like.

• 1:29:55Speaker 08

  Like golfing or skiing. Or like if I talk about how I'm like trying to get back into shape and like running and jogging. She gets like very sad.

• 1:30:08Speaker 03

  Sad?

• 1:30:09Speaker 08

  As if I'm like attacking her for not doing anything. And I don't care that she doesn't do anything.

• 1:30:17Speaker 03

  I care that she doesn't do anything.

• 1:30:19Speaker 08

  Make me feel guilty for doing things. If that makes sense.

• 1:30:25Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:30:26Speaker 08

  Um, I like her a lot. Cool girl. Um, that's about it.

• 1:30:32Speaker 03

  End it.

• 1:30:34Stavros Halkias?

  Thanks, Bobby. Kick it to the curb.

• 1:30:37Speaker 03

  I'm gonna wrap this up real quick for you. This ain't good.

• 1:30:41Speaker 03

  I wanna go on a run. I'm sad. I mean, what? This is, no!

• 1:30:50Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you're, yeah.

• 1:30:51Speaker 03

  You can, you can be empathetic and go, okay, this is triggering something in her. Let's talk about it. I love you. Why are you getting sad when I talk about wanting to do anything? I don't care that you don't. What does this mean? Don't, you don't care she doesn't do anything?

• 1:31:01Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. I mean, I guess she's a couch potato.

• 1:31:04Speaker 03

  Is this about fitness? Is this about just life? Is this about, what is this?

• 1:31:07Stavros Halkias?

  Could be fitness.

• 1:31:08Speaker 03

  No, running? What is it? Golfing?

• 1:31:09Speaker 05

  It sounds like fitness.

• 1:31:10Stavros Halkias?

  It sounds like he, maybe he doesn't get that it's about fitness.

• 1:31:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:31:14Stavros Halkias?

  Cause everything he's described is, even like golfing and skiing. Everything is physical activity. So it could be some kind of like, you know, body dysmorphia.

• 1:31:22Speaker 03

  If this is bringing up stuff with her, that's all in well. We all have things brought up. We all have shit. So you guys just say to her, I'm noticing this behavior. They're not talking, he doesn't say that they've talked about it, right?

• 1:31:33Stavros Halkias?

  Well, he's, he sounds pretty young. He didn't say his age, right, Elders?

• 1:31:35Speaker 05

  Yeah. He's talking about his roommate's ex-girlfriend and shit.

• 1:31:38Stavros Halkias?

  He's on his roommate's ex-girlfriend's Prime account.

• 1:31:41Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:31:42Stavros Halkias?

  Sounds like a young kid.

• 1:31:43Speaker 03

  So we're early here. Early development.

• 1:31:44Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:45Speaker 03

  I think just, you just say, hey, I'm noticing this behavior. I really, I, I like you. I love you. Hello? You like her?

• 1:31:51Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:51Speaker 03

  Get out! But if you know, I love you, I care about you, I'm noticing this, I want to talk about it. If she can talk about it, that's a whole different story. If she can't talk about it and she's still, then you have a deeper issue.

• 1:32:03Stavros Halkias?

  Absolutely. And yeah, you might, right? She might not be ready to talk about it, you don't know. But you won't know until you actually try. And that's most of this show is like telling our listeners to have the one conversation they should.

• 1:32:17Speaker 03

  Nothing can be off limits. If you're in a relationship or talking about anything is off limits, you're fucked.

• 1:32:21Stavros Halkias?

  That's exactly. You gotta be able to fucking talk about it. And also, by the way, maybe she thinks you're judging her. Or that's what you've picked up on.

• 1:32:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:32:30Stavros Halkias?

  Have you ever said, have you even said, "I don't care if you don't do shit." "This isn't about, I just like doing this." And then maybe organically it'll get into her, whatever her hangups are.

• 1:32:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, she'll feel better after talking about it probably.

• 1:32:42Stavros Halkias?

  So you gotta try, you gotta try and have the convo. And yes, look, at the end of the day, if there's no resolution, or she's weird about it, or...

• 1:32:51Speaker 03

  And if it's a year in and you like her, get out.

• 1:32:56Speaker 03

  What'd he say, it's been a year?

• 1:32:57Stavros Halkias?

  Said about a year, right? Yeah. And you know, a year when you're this young, who knows?

• 1:33:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, good point, I'm getting harsh.

• 1:33:03Stavros Halkias?

  He's seen her 11 times, you know what I mean?

• 1:33:05Speaker 03

  Exactly, exactly.

• 1:33:07Stavros Halkias?

  Sometimes these relationships, but you know, maybe not, who knows? But yeah, dude, you just gotta fucking, you gotta have that convo.

• 1:33:14Speaker 03

  You gotta protect yourself.

• 1:33:15Stavros Halkias?

  I would have my antennas up about like, you gotta go into it, but Kate might not be that wrong about, sometimes people just aren't compatible. And you learn that shit, you know what I mean? But yeah, good luck, little buddy. Get out there, fucking do a little golfing. Nothing wrong with that. Trying to think if I ever had anybody try and keep me down in a relationship, I don't think so.

• 1:33:37Speaker 03

  You can't be adjusting your behavior. Or you know what I mean, you can't be not doing what you want to do.

• 1:33:41Stavros Halkias?

  I also like, will only be with somebody that like really treats me too nicely. You know what I mean?

• 1:33:46Speaker 03

  It's a good way to be.

• 1:33:47Stavros Halkias?

  I just like to be like a little Sultan. That's, well, that's the problem, that's what my mom did to me. My being, I was her little fat prince.

• 1:33:55Speaker 03

  I have Sultan stuff.

• 1:33:58Stavros Halkias?

  It's nice being treated like that. It fucking feels good. But, you know, we all have our, we all have our things.

• 1:34:05Speaker 03

  I don't get off on being treated poorly.

• 1:34:06Stavros Halkias?

  No, I don't get that at all.

• 1:34:08Speaker 03

  I go, oh, you are.

• 1:34:10Stavros Halkias?

  No.

• 1:34:11Speaker 03

  That, okay.

• 1:34:12Stavros Halkias?

  That sucks.

• 1:34:12Speaker 03

  Let's get out of here then.

• 1:34:13Stavros Halkias?

  No, stop being mean to me.

• 1:34:14Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:34:15Stavros Halkias?

  Be overly nice to me.

• 1:34:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:34:17Stavros Halkias?

  I don't get it all when people, even like on a, the, on like a BDSM level when it's like, all right, I guess I can let her fucking whip me, but she's gonna suck me off afterwards, right?

• 1:34:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:34:28Stavros Halkias?

  And they're like, no, it's just about the whipping. I'm like, what? It's not just a chore you have to do to get the fuck a hot girl that wears leather.

• 1:34:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:34:36Stavros Halkias?

  Don't get that at all. Don't, don't understand it. What else we got, Elvis?

• 1:34:41Speaker 09

  Hey, I was just calling because basically, I need your advice. I've been, uh, living a lie.

• 1:34:51Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, living a lie.

• 1:34:53Speaker 09

  Three years, going on the floor.

• 1:34:56Stavros Halkias?

  Jesus Christ.

• 1:34:57Speaker 09

  Basically, um, I've been telling my family that I have a very good job, like an office job.

• 1:35:07Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 1:35:09Speaker 09

  Corporate style.

• 1:35:10Stavros Halkias?

  Are they in the room right now?

• 1:35:11Speaker 09

  When in reality, I work retail at a, at a Home Depot.

• 1:35:16Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 1:35:17Speaker 03

  Nothing to be ashamed of.

• 1:35:18Speaker 09

  I did at one point have a corporate job. But me being young and dumb, I've been working at home. I really slacked off and just didn't do shit. So I got fired. I was confronted by my boss at that time. Where I straight up lied to her and be like, oh, my internet was down and whatnot.

• 1:35:43Stavros Halkias?

  Fucking cow.

• 1:35:44Speaker 09

  And they showed me video proof of my screen being recorded of me.

• 1:35:50Speaker 09

  Answering calls and immediately hanging up on people.

• 1:35:53Stavros Halkias?

  Pause this.

• 1:35:53Speaker 03

  Wait, wait, wait, wait.

• 1:35:54Stavros Halkias?

  That's awesome.

• 1:35:55Speaker 03

  Wait, wait, what? But his voice is so, it's so soft and quiet. I like, what's, what's happening? Is this recording? Wait, what?

• 1:36:02Stavros Halkias?

  He was lying. He was like, my internet's down. But he didn't realize his company's software tracked him. And so they would show him videos of him answering calls and immediately hanging up on people. I guess he was working like customer service. This happened to me. I got fired from a paralegal place. And they would track like how, how often you like, you had to check off your steps, they called it. And they pulled up the fucking stats. When they were firing me, it was so funny. They were like, someone in your division usually averages about 2,000 steps a month.

• 1:36:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:36:35Stavros Halkias?

  It looks like you've done about 92.

• 1:36:39Stavros Halkias?

  They would be like, we tried to track your activity, but your computer wasn't on long enough. They actually said that to me. They had like, I, my boss walked by and I would hit the mouse and it was just the login screen. Like I had not touched, I was playing, this was back in the, I was really into Clash of Clans, the iPhone game at the time. This is probably 2000, 2010? No. 2012 maybe, 11? Yeah, like right after college. Right after college, yep. And, uh, and yeah, I was just fully on my phone. I was on Facebook Messenger.

• 1:37:15Speaker 03

  I was working for a woman that, and it's like, I would have to talk to her accountant. And I was like, oh. Cause I mean, I can't, she made me do files.

• 1:37:23Stavros Halkias?

  Yo.

• 1:37:23Speaker 03

  I mean, like file, I'm like, I, and I was on her, the computer all the time on Twitter. This was heyday Twitter. I'll never forget, Rob Delaney retweeted me. I go.

• 1:37:32Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, that must have felt incredible. Rob Delaney Twitter 1.0? With an RT?

• 1:37:37Speaker 03

  I got a Rob Delaney RT.

• 1:37:39Stavros Halkias?

  Oh.

• 1:37:40Speaker 03

  And, and so I go, I'm not talking to your accountant today, honey. We've got, I've got bigger fish.

• 1:37:46Stavros Halkias?

  I'm racking up the fuck.

• 1:37:47Speaker 03

  My life's just changed.

• 1:37:48Stavros Halkias?

  This, yeah.

• 1:37:48Speaker 03

  The money's coming.

• 1:37:49Stavros Halkias?

  The money's coming. And back then a viral tree was like 300 retweets. It was like, there were like 4,000 people on Twitter, but.

• 1:37:56Speaker 03

  It was huge.

• 1:37:57Stavros Halkias?

  Delaney was the king. Delaney was the pure king. Wow.

• 1:38:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:38:01Stavros Halkias?

  Were you like an assistant?

• 1:38:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:38:03Stavros Halkias?

  Um, I mean, there's no way you were good at that job, right?

• 1:38:06Speaker 03

  She once, she kind of slapped me as a joke once.

• 1:38:12Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, we're kinda getting back to that casting couch situation.

• 1:38:16Speaker 03

  But she was just like, "You're..." Because I just, I just like really like earnestly couldn't do it.

• 1:38:20Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 1:38:21Speaker 03

  And just like admin, like I, I struggle so, I mean, can't.

• 1:38:24Stavros Halkias?

  Insanity.

• 1:38:24Speaker 03

  And stuff with like the accountant, I mean, just, oh my god, the taxes, like, I don't understand this.

• 1:38:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you don't strike me as somebody who's organized.

• 1:38:31Speaker 03

  What the fuck is the, um, QuickBooks?

• 1:38:34Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, dude. Oh my god, I still don't get how to use QuickBooks.

• 1:38:38Speaker 03

  I can't do that.

• 1:38:39Stavros Halkias?

  Absolutely not. Yeah, that's so funny. And you just applied on Craigslist, or was this a friend of a friend?

• 1:38:43Speaker 03

  This was a woman, friend of a friend.

• 1:38:44Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:38:46Speaker 03

  She was lovely and she'd be like, you know, oh my god, I, next, I can't, I'm getting flashbacks of the...

• 1:38:51Stavros Halkias?

  Anyway, so.

• 1:38:52Speaker 03

  Okay, so, so he's getting...

• 1:38:53Stavros Halkias?

  We know what it's like being horrible employees, basically, but yes. So he, so, so again, his, he was lying to his family. When confronted with not working, he's lying to his boss. We're sensing a pattern here. Let's keep going, Elvis.

• 1:39:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, keep going.

• 1:39:08Speaker 09

  Instead of assisting them with whatever.

• 1:39:11Speaker 03

  Maybe four years then?

• 1:39:12Speaker 09

  Yeah, I was calling to see, what do you think I should do? Like, should I just keep on living the lie?

• 1:39:21Speaker 03

  Sweetie?

• 1:39:22Speaker 09

  Or, um, should I be upfront with my family and just tell them?

• 1:39:30Speaker 09

  The reason why I don't feel like it's necessary to tell them is because, I mean, first of all, I live with my mom.

• 1:39:37Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 1:39:38Speaker 09

  And my brother, I pay for the bills.

• 1:39:43Speaker 09

  Basically, everything, like I can still afford everything with my retail job. And I'm pretty comfortable. Uh, it just kinda weighs on me sometimes, thinking about all that. So, yeah, let me know what you think I should do.

• 1:40:09Speaker 03

  I mean, like, I mean...

• 1:40:12Stavros Halkias?

  This is fucking awesome.

• 1:40:14Speaker 03

  By the way, just keep lying. Next, yeah, you got it.

• 1:40:16Stavros Halkias?

  This kid is fucking awesome.

• 1:40:18Speaker 03

  Did he say he lived with his wife and his child?

• 1:40:19Stavros Halkias?

  No, his mom. He lives with his mom and his brother. He's young as shit, clearly.

• 1:40:23Speaker 03

  I have reading comprehension issues. I heard "wife and child."

• 1:40:26Stavros Halkias?

  So, okay.

• 1:40:28Speaker 03

  Come clean, unburden yourself.

• 1:40:31Stavros Halkias?

  And this is, he's lying for no reason. That's the craziest part about this fucking call is like, no one fucking cares. He's pay, he's just like, he is so worried about, here's how scared of confrontation this guy is. The theoretical argument he'll have with his mom when he tells her he doesn't have an office job anymore, even though he has for three years paid the bills.

• 1:40:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:40:57Stavros Halkias?

  The whole thing is like, you freely are, look, you're a fucking coward. You're spineless and that's okay, we've all been, we, you know, we're, I'm a reformed coward. I try and be better every day. I used to hide when shit was bad, but this is a big moment for you, buddy.

• 1:41:14Speaker 03

  Three? Let's all take a minute with this, three years.

• 1:41:20Speaker 03

  Maybe four, I heard?

• 1:41:21Stavros Halkias?

  Going on four. Going on four, you're right.

• 1:41:24Speaker 03

  Listen sweetheart, it's okay.

• 1:41:25Stavros Halkias?

  He clearly, he got fired in the middle of the pandemic and he's been lying.

• 1:41:28Speaker 03

  Unburden yourself, this is not good for your health. I'm actually worried about you. This is not good.

• 1:41:32Stavros Halkias?

  And you can't be lying anytime something bad happens, bro. You can't be like, this is huge for you. You have to start living the reality.

• 1:41:39Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:41:40Stavros Halkias?

  Right? You're living in a fucking fantasy world. You have to, you know, maybe be less of a lazy piece of shit. That's one thing, that's okay. That's part of growing up, we all have done shit like that. But you're confronted, you lie to your boss. You're pre lying, like, there's no reason to keep this charade up. It's not like your mom's like, huh, my dream has been for my son to have a shitty customer service corporate job. It doesn't sound like a good job. They're tracking you, bro.

• 1:42:07Speaker 03

  And it's your mother and you're paying the bills, like what? Unburden yourself, this is, I mean, this is high, high risk.

• 1:42:14Speaker 05

  I feel like, I have a theory, I feel like this guy is probably like a foreigner, if I had to guess.

• 1:42:19Stavros Halkias?

  Definitely, definitely.

• 1:42:20Speaker 05

  I don't know, I'm guessing Asian, but.

• 1:42:23Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 1:42:24Speaker 05

  I mean, my dad also did this for a year.

• 1:42:26Stavros Halkias?

  Your dad literally used to pretend he had a job he didn't have. And he would go sit in the minivan and drink coffee.

• 1:42:32Speaker 03

  This is clearly, yeah, this is fear, this is self-worth stuff around all of this.

• 1:42:36Stavros Halkias?

  It is immigrant, it does feel immigrant-y.

• 1:42:37Speaker 03

  No, no, it's tragic.

• 1:42:39Speaker 05

  An immigrant parent would like really, you know, really press like, oh, you gotta get a good office job and, you know, they wouldn't like you, like doing Home Depot or something, so.

• 1:42:48Stavros Halkias?

  But, but, and you're not, I'm not saying you're wrong at all. But for this guy's life, he needs to start understanding he's in control of his own life. And then other people, what other people want from him doesn't matter. And that he has to, this, there's probably some comfort in living the lie. You never have to advocate for yourself. You never have to argue about anything. You're just going with the flow, but you have to start taking charge of your life. You have, and listen, the one that, what that means is when you fuck up, like get fired, you have to fucking own up to it. When you, you know what I mean? You have to tell your mom, but you're still doing everything you need to do. And here's the other thing I'll say, you gotta aim higher, brother. You're saying, hey, I mean, look, what do I gotta tell her for? I'm living the dream. I'm living with my mom and brother as an adult and I'm paying the bills.

• 1:43:33Stavros Halkias?

  I'm pretty comfortable. This is how you wanna live forever?

• 1:43:37Speaker 03

  Comfortable as death.

• 1:43:37Stavros Halkias?

  You don't want your own place? You don't wanna fucking, what if you fucking find a girlfriend? I know, I'm gonna guess that's not a big problem right now, but at some point it should be.

• 1:43:47Speaker 03

  Yes, three more years of this.

• 1:43:49Stavros Halkias?

  Dude, what the fuck are you doing? And, and me and Elders both came from this kinda background. So I know, I fully told my parents, I'm doing whatever the fuck I want. That was a big problem for me. Getting over the guilt was very hard. That was the reason I started going to therapy was immigrant guilt. So I know it's hard, but you're gonna be a fucking loser forever if you don't fucking just...

• 1:44:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is a major moment.

• 1:44:11Stavros Halkias?

  This is a big moment. And you gotta say, and get, and, and you know, and just start telling the truth in the rest of your life and stop hiding when something fucking bad happens.

• 1:44:19Speaker 03

  You are safe. It's not, your mother's not gonna take away her love.

• 1:44:22Stavros Halkias?

  No.

• 1:44:22Speaker 03

  Maybe angry, whatever. You will get through it. You have to. It's actually non-negotiable. You just have to do it.

• 1:44:27Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you have to do it.

• 1:44:27Speaker 03

  Just circle a day on the calendar, go, oh, there it is.

• 1:44:30Stavros Halkias?

  It's coming.

• 1:44:30Speaker 03

  I gotta talk to you.

• 1:44:31Stavros Halkias?

  I gotta talk to you about something?

• 1:44:32Speaker 03

  Are you free tonight? I'll be home from work.

• 1:44:35Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah. Hey mom, are you free? Can we meet in our shared living room?

• 1:44:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly. It's a family meeting.

• 1:44:41Stavros Halkias?

  The logistics of, of telling her about it's gonna be pretty easy, seeing as how you live. You share a wall with her probably.

• 1:44:47Speaker 03

  You're gonna feel so much better. Maybe not immediately, but you will feel much better.

• 1:44:51Stavros Halkias?

  And you gotta stop, you gotta stop hiding from bad shit, dude.

• 1:44:55Speaker 05

  This guy's like changing into his Home Depot shirt in the car in the parking lot before he goes in.

• 1:45:00Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, he's got a shitty fucking H and M blazer that he fucking takes, puts on. Alright mom, going to work. And he puts on a fucking orange, he puts a smock on afterwards.

• 1:45:13Stavros Halkias?

  Alright dude, you know, we feel for you though.

• 1:45:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, sending you love.

• 1:45:18Stavros Halkias?

  The expectations of your family can be crushing, but you really sound like a fucking... I mean dude, you can't be behaving like this.

• 1:45:26Speaker 03

  No, no, no. Not good.

• 1:45:28Stavros Halkias?

  Not good at all.

• 1:45:30Speaker 10

  Hey, Bobby, so hopefully this gets passed with, uh, maybe a guest that has like some kids or a family or something, whatever.

• 1:45:39Speaker 03

  Oh, Jesus.

• 1:45:40Stavros Halkias?

  Nope.

• 1:45:40Speaker 10

  Just asking for advice.

• 1:45:41Speaker 03

  Mr. Chimney over here.

• 1:45:43Stavros Halkias?

  Is this a soot question?

• 1:45:46Speaker 03

  Soot removal?

• 1:45:47Stavros Halkias?

  Have you been wronged by a small business?

• 1:45:52Stavros Halkias?

  Go ahead, Eldis.

• 1:45:53Speaker 10

  Uh, maybe a guest that has like some kids or a family or something, whatever. So, uh, just asking for advice. I got a six-month-old baby now. And, um, I'm just, I just want to know if I'm, if I'm ruining the kid because like, you know, they say like Beethoven and Mozart and all that mumbo jumbo is like supposed to make the kid smarter. Like, um, you know, I've been in a car with him and driving and, and doing tasks around the house and background noise. It's been a lot of, uh, it's been a lot of, well, your podcasts.

• 1:46:28Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 1:46:29Speaker 10

  Uh, some Rogan, Theo, you know, Tim Dillon, a little bit of sports talk radio, and then the music, some Zep Lin, Skynyrd, 90s, just alternative rock, grunge, some 90s hip-hop, early 2000s hip-hop. I don't know if I'm ruining it.

• 1:46:49Stavros Halkias?

  You got range, man.

• 1:46:50Speaker 03

  I've got this crazy vinyl collection and the kids just absorbing it all.

• 1:46:56Speaker 10

  Yeah, maybe I should, should I put on some, some Beethoven or some Mozart?

• 1:47:01Speaker 03

  Honey, you're not gonna start listening to Beethoven.

• 1:47:03Speaker 10

  His little brain or just maybe just, maybe I'm just raising a fucking fat-ass human to know. I don't know, let me know what you think.

• 1:47:10Stavros Halkias?

  You're raising a fucking badass dude.

• 1:47:12Speaker 03

  First of all, all I hear is that you're around your child.

• 1:47:16Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that's good.

• 1:47:17Speaker 03

  Which is all that matters.

• 1:47:18Stavros Halkias?

  That's a huge.

• 1:47:19Speaker 03

  All I'm hearing is, "I'm in the car with him. I'm doing chores around the house with him."

• 1:47:23Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:23Speaker 03

  It doesn't fucking matter the ambient noises in the background. People are, by the way, I would argue it's actually probably very good for developmental, early developmental stuff to hear talking, conversation, words.

• 1:47:33Stavros Halkias?

  He's hearing about how aliens made the pyramids.

• 1:47:35Speaker 03

  It does not matter.

• 1:47:37Stavros Halkias?

  This kid's gonna know what the fuck is going on with the Younger Dryas theory.

• 1:47:43Stavros Halkias?

  So, yeah, that's a great point. You're spending time with him, and here's the other thing.

• 1:47:47Speaker 03

  It's done. You're good.

• 1:47:47Stavros Halkias?

  Here's the other thing I'll tell you. Your kid's not gonna be into the shit you're into. That's just not how it works.

• 1:47:52Speaker 03

  Totally.

• 1:47:52Stavros Halkias?

  So it's like, who knows, you know, like, maybe developmentally fucking, like, but even that, you haven't really done any research on that. That's the thing, that's the thing we've all heard.

• 1:48:04Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:48:04Stavros Halkias?

  That you're supposed to put a baby in the womb, listen to Mozart.

• 1:48:07Speaker 03

  That's like a weird message of like the 80s. I'm like, I just don't think, it's like babiescanread.com or whatever that thing is. It's like, no, and also like, don't be so invested in your child being a genius or else you're gonna fuck them. Like, it's, you're hanging, you're parenting your child, that's actually the only thing they actually need.

• 1:48:23Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:48:23Speaker 03

  So you're fine.

• 1:48:24Stavros Halkias?

  And you're his dad, he's gonna fucking listen to some of the shit you listen to and, you know, whatever. And, believe me, soon, he will pick one movie, and that's, he will want to watch Cars every moment of the day. Like, this, listening to your music.

• 1:48:40Speaker 03

  Enjoy it.

• 1:48:40Stavros Halkias?

  Is, is gonna end in like, my friend has a kid and this motherfucker doesn't, he tried to put, the first time I saw him like, be disappointed in his father, as his dad was trying to watch a Packers game, and he goes, "Finding Nemo," and his dad's like, "Not happening, kid."

• 1:48:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:48:56Stavros Halkias?

  The first time he realized there's a hierarchy. But this little motherfucker has come into my home, room full of adults, just fucking puts on Finding Nemo. That's what's gonna happen to you, man. So, yeah, he's fine.

• 1:49:08Speaker 03

  Enjoy the Zeppelin.

• 1:49:09Stavros Halkias?

  Enjoy, yeah. He's fucking, he's rocking out. He's listening to Tim. You're gonna be good, man. That's very fucking cute, though. That's cute, though, to have that question even.

• 1:49:19Speaker 03

  That is sweet. No, I liked you.

• 1:49:21Stavros Halkias?

  And it's even funny to be like, "But is he gonna be fucking awesome?"

• 1:49:26Stavros Halkias?

  No, not from that. I mean, maybe for other reasons, because you're a good dad who's around. And I was thinking about starting him on like, maybe light, like on menthols, not having him do full cigarettes. But he can't be a fucking lightweight. What do you got for us, Oz? You got a couple of nice ones to go out on here?

• 1:49:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:49:42Stavros Halkias?

  We've already, you know, we've taken a lot of Kate's time up.

• 1:49:45Speaker 03

  I'm having fun.

• 1:49:45Stavros Halkias?

  You're crushing the, you're crushing this, this advice here.

• 1:49:49Speaker 05

  We got a nice one, then a nice little update to wrap it up.

• 1:49:51Stavros Halkias?

  Perfect, perfect.

• 1:49:53Speaker 11

  Hi, Sabros. I'm calling as a representative of the engineer community of your fanbase, maybe a minority of your demographic.

• 1:50:05Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, engineer.

• 1:50:06Speaker 11

  And this is just to piggyback off of a caller previously mentioning how his girlfriend forbid pornography. And it's something that we have an agreement upon in my marriage.

• 1:50:19Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting.

• 1:50:20Speaker 11

  Now, I'm just trying to understand, am I being a like lame wife by thinking it's cheating if you watch pornography?

• 1:50:29Speaker 03

  Cheating?

• 1:50:30Stavros Halkias?

  Yes.

• 1:50:30Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:50:31Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, you are.

• 1:50:32Speaker 03

  You've got bigger problems than you can see.

• 1:50:35Stavros Halkias?

  Am I being a lame wife? Yes.

• 1:50:37Speaker 03

  No, it's fucking cheating. I'm sorry. That's cheating. Guys, how is that not considered cheating?

• 1:50:44Stavros Halkias?

  Watching porn is cheating? Come on. What are we talking about here?

• 1:50:48Speaker 03

  Oh my god, guys.

• 1:50:49Stavros Halkias?

  This is insane. Let's, let's, let's hear her out, but this is crazy.

• 1:50:52Speaker 11

  Being a like lame wife by thinking it's cheating if you watch pornography?

• 1:50:59Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, next question.

• 1:51:00Speaker 11

  I try not to be like a prudish, traditional lame wife. I, you know, with fervor give sloppy topi on a daily basis.

• 1:51:12Stavros Halkias?

  Now the plot thickens.

• 1:51:13Speaker 03

  By the way, actually, I'm almost like jealous of her.

• 1:51:16Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:16Speaker 03

  Like, she's so horny.

• 1:51:19Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:19Speaker 03

  Or like, you're like, that's my, like, like, your husband watching porn is making you be like, fuck that whore. It's like, oh my god, like, you're that on top of it?

• 1:51:30Stavros Halkias?

  You're right. And sloppy topi on a daily basis.

• 1:51:33Speaker 03

  Jesus Christ.

• 1:51:34Stavros Halkias?

  Now it's getting interesting, because I think, are you weird? Yes. Do you have a hell of a bargaining chip?

• 1:51:42Stavros Halkias?

  If you want to make your husband change any of his behavior?

• 1:51:45Speaker 03

  You're that obsessed with your husband?

• 1:51:46Stavros Halkias?

  Also, yes. Like, look, if so, anyway, let's finish this up. But my, but this is interesting.

• 1:51:53Speaker 11

  I try to keep myself looking good for my husband. So I just, I'm trying to understand if you could explain to me from your perspective, like, what, why do men go to pornography? And why is it not considered cheating? Um, you know, because I just think that looking at naked people and like going to strip clubs is cheating. I always think it's cringey, like if I watch The Sopranos and Tony Soprano's up the bottom.

• 1:52:24Speaker 03

  Don't bring Tony into it.

• 1:52:26Stavros Halkias?

  I also love watching Sopranos and being like, the most morally reprehensible thing they're doing is looking at kids.

• 1:52:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:52:36Stavros Halkias?

  So bad, irredeemable evil human beings.

• 1:52:40Speaker 03

  Chopping people's heads off on the regular.

• 1:52:43Stavros Halkias?

  But she's trying, she's appealing to us. She's, she's trying to put it in terms we understand. Let's fit, let's figure this all out, Alice. Let's keep going here.

• 1:52:52Speaker 11

  And he's like looking at young naked girls. It just, it doesn't make sense to me. I always, I'm pro sex worker, 100%. But it's like a single man's game, in my opinion. I don't know.

• 1:53:03Speaker 03

  But it's like a what?

• 1:53:04Speaker 11

  Sorry for being long-winded, but looking for your, you know, explanation here. Certainly not asking you to defend this, but just trying to be a cool wife and maybe learning something from this. So, thank you, love your show, love you. Bye.

• 1:53:20Speaker 03

  You gotta stop trying to be a cool wife doll.

• 1:53:22Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, just be yourself. That's number one.

• 1:53:24Speaker 03

  Be your sloppy self.

• 1:53:25Stavros Halkias?

  You're giving top, listen, here's the thing. The point I was trying to make earlier is like.

• 1:53:29Speaker 03

  Your role, honey.

• 1:53:31Stavros Halkias?

  Is this ridiculous? Yes. If you're blowing your husband every day, you can ask like five ridiculous favors. You could be like, I don't like it when you eat green Skittles. And you'd be like, great, I'll never have a green Skittle again in my life. You know what I mean? Like, you do have a hell of a, like I said, it's a hell of a bargaining chip. But why don't I consider porn cheating is like, I don't even, it's hard for me to like, how is it cheating? He has no relationship with these people.

• 1:53:59Speaker 03

  You cannot, you cannot.

• 1:54:00Stavros Halkias?

  Can he jack off? Is he allowed to jack off? Is thinking about another lady's tits cheating to you? Like, that's what we're talking about here?

• 1:54:08Speaker 03

  This is pointing to a very delicate ego, girl. You got, you gotta, this is very.

• 1:54:13Stavros Halkias?

  I think you may be right.

• 1:54:14Speaker 03

  You cannot, what? This is your husband? In what world is him looking at porn a violation of your marriage or his feelings for you? This is, and also, you, you, I mean, exactly, the fat police? I mean, this is, we're going, right? I mean, it's, it's like, it's something you're just going to have to get over, right? Or if he's, I mean, what's his reaction? We don't know.

• 1:54:38Stavros Halkias?

  So, this is hard to, this is such a fundamental question, where she's like, why isn't porn cheating?

• 1:54:44Speaker 03

  Because it's not.

• 1:54:45Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I'm trying.

• 1:54:46Speaker 03

  It's actually quite simple.

• 1:54:47Stavros Halkias?

  I'm trying so hard to give her.

• 1:54:49Speaker 03

  It's ancient, looking at it. Once you start trying to regulate the fantasy life of someone else, you're fucking done. You cannot do that. It's, it's, it's actually an abomination. I actually think, I think it's, I think it's actually violence, sweetie, what you're doing. And I'm actually not even really kidding.

• 1:55:04Stavros Halkias?

  You're being violent.

• 1:55:04Speaker 03

  You cannot regulate other people's imaginations and sexualities.

• 1:55:08Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:55:09Speaker 03

  And you're allowed to go, I wish that you didn't need them, or whatever, about pornography, but it has nothing to do with you.

• 1:55:16Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I guess that's where, I guess we have to draw a line somewhere. And it's like imagination.

• 1:55:21Speaker 03

  Wait till he starts cheating on you.

• 1:55:22Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, exactly. Imagination and fantasy, you gotta be allowed to do that.

• 1:55:27Speaker 03

  This is the most basic human, this is the most, is he gonna wake up and go, sweetie, sweetie, I had a dream, I got a blowjob from the woman from Jamba Juice, or whatever, like, and then you're gonna be like, it's, like, this is very, what's going on here? I mean, there's gotta be something historical here that's, that's pulling on this that we're not hearing about.

• 1:55:46Stavros Halkias?

  Right. It's like, look, he's just, it's a beating off aide. It's, you know what I mean? Like, it's not, if you let this guy beat off, which is crazy to think that you wouldn't allow someone to beat off.

• 1:55:57Speaker 03

  In the shower on Easter is the only time, yeah.

• 1:56:02Stavros Halkias?

  He has to bleach the tub down right afterwards. Yeah, it's like, I guess I'm just real, yeah, it's just a fucking, it's not real. He's not trying to fuck those people, he's just trying to get a nut off.

• 1:56:13Speaker 03

  It's not real, it's a, it's a fantasy, it's a cave painting, it's a drawing and a fucking book from, it's the, it's just, it's not about you.

• 1:56:20Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, and even, and then, then, then if the reason you're blowing him every day is because you're trying to compete with

• 1:56:26Speaker 03

  Well, that's what I'm worried about.

• 1:56:28Stavros Halkias?

  If you want to do it, great, but if you're like, if you're like, well, if I, if I hold up my end of the bargain, which sounds a little

• 1:56:34Speaker 03

  What's it giving you? I start going, what's, what's so good about this guy?

• 1:56:38Stavros Halkias?

  I know. What is, what is the setup here? And also, is this an issue like, how mu, if you're sucking his neck every day, how much pornography is this guy watching?

• 1:56:47Speaker 03

  I know, what's going on with him?

• 1:56:48Stavros Halkias?

  How old is he? Is he good for, you know, is he, is he a, is he a multiple nuts a day guy? I mean, I don't know.

• 1:56:53Speaker 03

  By the way, how long, I, I, I'm really stuck on BJ every day. Really having trouble with this. And like, what, and then also BJ every day, because you want to be a cool wife. Cool wives come up a few times. I want to be a lame wife. I don't want to be a prude. I'm on all, I'm on all fours every day.

• 1:57:08Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:57:10Speaker 03

  Like, what's going on?

• 1:57:11Stavros Halkias?

  I'm trading pussy. It's like, you don't have to like, you just have to behave the way you want. It is, you're right, the cool wife thing is a little, like, are you doing all these things because you feel it's good, or are you doing them because you feel you have to?

• 1:57:24Speaker 03

  Oh, honey.

• 1:57:25Stavros Halkias?

  I'm a little scared of that.

• 1:57:26Speaker 03

  I'm really worried.

• 1:57:27Stavros Halkias?

  And here's the thing, like, with the porn stuff, it's like, do you not want to blow him, but you're like, but if I don't, he'll start watching porn?

• 1:57:36Speaker 03

  Exactly. No, this is, this is getting, this is getting tricky.

• 1:57:39Stavros Halkias?

  There's a little, I'm just a little, I just want you to interrogate what your feelings are and what you think the role of a wife is, and if you're truly happy to do that. Look, you might, you might look, you might search your feelings, and you might think, this is everything I want to do, but it's feeling a little, like, especially the porno thing, it's feeling a little old fashioned. And even the like, I try to keep myself looking good. I try and give him a head every day.

• 1:58:06Speaker 03

  For him, for him.

• 1:58:06Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, it's like, what about

• 1:58:07Speaker 03

  Make your ass tight for you, girl.

• 1:58:09Stavros Halkias?

  For you, and then he gets to also fuck you. That's a, that's nice.

• 1:58:11Speaker 03

  Also, buckle fucking up. If you're actually, you're married, you're, he's going to, by the way, just straight down the bro, I guarantee you, he's going to be in love, he's going to have a fantasy about a real person.

• 1:58:22Stavros Halkias?

  Sure.

• 1:58:22Speaker 03

  He's going to want, so you're going, I'm scared he's going to want to fuck someone else. Guarantee you, he will. That's fine. That's natural. You're going to want Wanna fuck someone else?

• 1:58:31Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, wants, not actually.

• 1:58:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:58:33Stavros Halkias?

  As long as he doesn't do it.

• 1:58:34Speaker 03

  But it's like, if you're policing and getting really upset about pornography, what's gonna happen? You're in the real world.

• 1:58:40Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:58:40Speaker 03

  So then you're going to completely collapse when the actual, I mean, like, you, if you can't be in a marriage if you can't acknowledge that there's like, you're both gonna have desires for other people.

• 1:58:49Stavros Halkias?

  Totally.

• 1:58:49Speaker 03

  And pornography's ultimate is arguably a safe place for a fucking escape valve to do that.

• 1:58:54Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:58:55Speaker 03

  You should be fucking praying he's watching porn.

• 1:58:57Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You should be praying he's like typing a Indian girl that works at your job on Xvideos, you know, instead of texting her, you know what I mean? Like, that's, that's, like, that's a great point. It's like, you're, I think you're being a little unrealistic about what humans are like and how they just will have some desires and that like,

• 1:59:16Speaker 03

  And it's okay.

• 1:59:17Stavros Halkias?

  Porn is kind of a safe way to like, not do it and you don't have to feel repressed either. I just, I, I just do wor, there are some alarm bells are ringing about like, are you truly happy? Like, maybe she is.

• 1:59:29Speaker 03

  The cool wife thing's gotta go.

• 1:59:30Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:59:31Speaker 03

  The cool wife stuff gotta go.

• 1:59:32Stavros Halkias?

  Unless he's really going above and beyond for you as well, maybe. But even that is like, you got, yeah, just do stuff you act, behave the way you actually want. It does sound like you have this idea of what an ideal wife is that's a little, a little restricting.

• 1:59:48Speaker 03

  Mamacita.

• 1:59:50Stavros Halkias?

  But yeah, you know, keep at it. I hate to be given advice that might lead to a guy getting blown less. That does, that philosophically is very difficult for me, but I will even tell you to interrogate that aspect of your life.

• 2:00:02Speaker 03

  But you can't be withholding BJ's because he's watching porn.

• 2:00:05Stavros Halkias?

  If you saw, if you can't, you can't be checking his fucking search history. Like, he's your 11-year-old son. Like, and even him, you should let jack off, by the way.

• 2:00:13Speaker 03

  If you're feeling concerned about the content of the porn.

• 2:00:15Stavros Halkias?

  Sure.

• 2:00:16Speaker 03

  Like, then, and you wanna be like, hey, what's this about for you? I'm trying to understand this part of you. But guess what? Your fucking partner is entitled to have a, whatever that, what? This is crazy.

• 2:00:27Stavros Halkias?

  Also, he probably is watching porn. You know? When he needs to beat off when you're at the store or something. He's probably beating his dick and pulling up porn out of his phone.

• 2:00:37Speaker 03

  He's watching more porn than you could imagine, sweetie, is what I'm hearing. This guy, something wild's going on in this home. Where she's, yeah.

• 2:00:45Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. She's like, I try and be a cool wife. I, you know, I'm, I'm on my collar whenever he asks me to be.

• 2:00:50Speaker 03

  Exactly, exactly.

• 2:00:51Stavros Halkias?

  I never drink from, I only drink from my bowl.

• 2:00:53Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 2:00:55Stavros Halkias?

  But anyway, hope that kind of got, hope you see our side of it, I suppose, but

• 2:01:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:01:01Stavros Halkias?

  Very interesting. I would, I kind of

• 2:01:03Speaker 05

  I will, I will say for this girl, like, some couples do just like lean into the roles like this too. So maybe it is just like

• 2:01:10Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, no, so we again are not, are two of the weirdest people in the world.

• 2:01:16Stavros Halkias?

  This is most, most of the world. Like, they're a little less intense than her, but this is how most people behave, probably.

• 2:01:22Speaker 03

  Right, right, right.

• 2:01:23Stavros Halkias?

  You know, like, yes.

• 2:01:24Speaker 03

  By the way, that sounds like, wow, being the cool wife.

• 2:01:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:28Speaker 03

  Whoa.

• 2:01:29Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Wild, right? Thinking about that, thinking about how that's your life.

• 2:01:33Speaker 03

  But there is something, I actually want to watch a porn about a girl who's like, like, the idea of getting like possessive. I'm like, maybe she's, like, are you really sexually obsessed with your husband? Like, that's awesome.

• 2:01:44Stavros Halkias?

  That's cool.

• 2:01:45Speaker 03

  If you're so fucking obsessed with him that you're like, you better not trick it for anyone but me, bitch. Like, I'm like, whoa, okay, you're maddening love.

• 2:01:51Stavros Halkias?

  That is almost like, then we're getting into, are you actually a cuck?

• 2:01:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:01:56Stavros Halkias?

  Cause anybody who's that possessive, it's probably like they're scared on some level of them cheating. And then it's like, but that's actually their greatest turn on in a weird

• 2:02:04Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 2:02:04Stavros Halkias?

  In a way that like how Republican senators are closeted.

• 2:02:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:02:08Stavros Halkias?

  This woman might be a closeted cuck, cause she's like, you can't even jack off without me, you know what I mean?

• 2:02:12Speaker 03

  I know, I know.

• 2:02:14Stavros Halkias?

  We're just, we're just dreaming up, you called into asking if porn is cheating and we're trying to use your life story. We're using your life story kind of the way SVU does, ripped from the headlines. We're ripping your life from the story and making porn about it.

• 2:02:25Speaker 05

  You're reverse engineering like a porn scenario out of it.

• 2:02:33Stavros Halkias?

  But yeah, I would, but I know you're saying all this, you're right. This is how

• 2:02:36Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's like some couples probably are just like that. And it's like, you know, if you are getting sucked off every single day, you probably don't even feel a need to like look at porn.

• 2:02:46Stavros Halkias?

  So it is like, well, that's what I'm saying.

• 2:02:47Speaker 05

  It's like a self-regulating system that might just be like natural in a way that's not

• 2:02:52Stavros Halkias?

  It's a beautiful engine, yeah.

• 2:02:53Speaker 05

  It's not too much, it's not like about people's like, uh

• 2:02:56Stavros Halkias?

  It's a terrarium that you can put a cork into and it'll just work perfectly.

• 2:03:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:03:02Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, perhaps.

• 2:03:03Speaker 03

  Fascinating.

• 2:03:04Stavros Halkias?

  But even that, it's a lot of upkeep, you know what I mean? You, you miss one blowjob and now we're backed up.

• 2:03:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:03:09Stavros Halkias?

  It's a lot, it's a lot to deal with, man.

• 2:03:11Speaker 03

  I want to see pictures of these people. Like, really bad.

• 2:03:16Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, so I would be interested to talk to her about it. Who knows, maybe someday we can get her on a live calls app, but that's our take.

• 2:03:25Speaker 05

  Suck your husband, doll sister.

• 2:03:27Speaker 03

  I hope I'm not being too angry.

• 2:03:29Stavros Halkias?

  I don't think so.

• 2:03:29Speaker 03

  At her, sweetie, I'm not mad at you. I'm just worried about you.

• 2:03:32Stavros Halkias?

  I think we're her friend and she gets, she's looking for our perspective and we gave that to her.

• 2:03:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:03:38Stavros Halkias?

  But hey, yeah, maybe it's working for you. I just, who cares? Let the guy beat off to some fucking porno. Who gives a fuck? Who fucking cares?

• 2:03:46Speaker 05

  Let him beat off and suck him off, then you're like, really awesome wife.

• 2:03:49Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, then you're fucking cool. Let him fuck one of your friends! If we're talking about being cool.

• 2:03:56Speaker 03

  Be a cool wife. Yeah, yeah.

• 2:03:58Stavros Halkias?

  I got a couple ideas of what a cool.

• 2:04:00Speaker 03

  The coolest wife of all.

• 2:04:04Stavros Halkias?

  But where does it end is a good question.

• 2:04:06Speaker 03

  I know.

• 2:04:07Stavros Halkias?

  The pursuit of cool being a cool wife.

• 2:04:11Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you want, okay, this is crazy that we're talking about this this deeply. You don't want him to love the cool wife. You want him to love whoever you happen to be. Not the ideal of the cool wife, because if you're just pretending to be doing, which you might not be, you might be liking all this stuff, but yeah, don't get crazy with it.

• 2:04:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:04:28Stavros Halkias?

  It's a great philosophical question. All right, I'll just, we got a little update here, you said?

• 2:04:34Speaker 05

  Uh, not, just like a comment on another call that we've had, but sorta.

• 2:04:38Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 2:04:40Speaker 12

  Uh, this isn't a question. Hello, Stavros. Hello, Eldit. Not a question, a response to advice you gave to a previous caller. The one about I send my husband memes and he doesn't respond as much as I'd like.

• 2:04:53Stavros Halkias?

  Pause this? Yes, Kate, just to catch you up, we had a woman call in who says that her husband, she sends him a bunch of memes and he doesn't respond. He doesn't like give her LOLs, he doesn't.

• 2:05:05Speaker 05

  Not even a heart reacts.

• 2:05:06Stavros Halkias?

  Not even a heart. I guess he's just kind of fed up with it.

• 2:05:09Speaker 03

  He's over it, okay.

• 2:05:10Stavros Halkias?

  He's over it, but, so, and we basically said like, that's rude, but you might also be overdoing it. You know, we don't know the full breadth of it, but it can be, we basically tried to take a middleman position.

• 2:05:22Speaker 05

  And just because it comes up in here, we also said like, sending good memes does not make you funny.

• 2:05:28Stavros Halkias?

  We did say that, because she said she was funny, and she might be funny, but meme curation does not make you funny.

• 2:05:34Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 2:05:34Stavros Halkias?

  And that might be, you know, maybe now we're being defensive, but whatever, fuck you.

• 2:05:38Speaker 03

  It's not an art.

• 2:05:39Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 2:05:40Speaker 03

  You're doing sex? You're doing meme sex? I don't think so.

• 2:05:44Stavros Halkias?

  You at the meme open mics?

• 2:05:45Speaker 03

  Pound the pavement.

• 2:05:46Stavros Halkias?

  Are you fucking, yeah.

• 2:05:47Speaker 03

  He's got an 8pm, he's got a 9pm, he's got a 9:30, he's got a 10:45.

• 2:05:51Stavros Halkias?

  I'm workshopping different types of fat kids. Before we got the RZA, there was the fat Mexican kid.

• 2:05:58Speaker 03

  I was a comic to watch. I was at Caroline's. JFL, when it meant something.

• 2:06:09Speaker 12

  And he doesn't respond as much as I'd like. During the, during the response there, you had a comment, which was, I think it's probably the exact quote, you said, "I got news for you, finding memes doesn't make you funny."

• 2:06:25Speaker 03

  Here we go.

• 2:06:26Speaker 12

  I disagree. I strongly disagree. Finding, finding memes, well, you didn't make the meme, you didn't make the joke, of course, but choosing which memes to send in, that absolutely does make you funny. And I'll die on that hill.

• 2:06:40Speaker 03

  You know, it doesn't sound funny, this guy.

• 2:06:43Speaker 12

  Bye.

• 2:06:45Speaker 03

  Okay, by the way.

• 2:06:46Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 2:06:46Speaker 03

  Good as hell.

• 2:06:47Stavros Halkias?

  Well, guess what? I hate to do this, man, but, okay, you think that, you, a guy calling into this show thinks that, and me, the guy whose show it is, has a different opinion. Let the people decide who knows what funny is. You, some fucking dickhead, who's all kind of nervous even on this call.

• 2:07:08Speaker 03

  By the way, you can hear his voice is angry.

• 2:07:10Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:07:11Speaker 03

  I heard real angry, and I just want to say that it is, you are funny.

• 2:07:13Stavros Halkias?

  I'm sorry, man. Do a couple, look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry they didn't pull your name on the bucket at Kill Tony. I don't know what you want from me. I'm sure you're crushing the memes, but it doesn't make you funny, buddy. I don't know what to tell you.

• 2:07:26Speaker 03

  And this is why our culture is suffering so much.

• 2:07:28Stavros Halkias?

  It is true. In a weird way, it actually is. People have, people have, like, look, curation is a skill, right?

• 2:07:35Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 2:07:36Stavros Halkias?

  Curating things is a skill, and I will even say that some people, some people with good senses of humor have very successful meme pages, and I will say, some people that are funny do pick good memes, right?

• 2:07:49Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 2:07:49Stavros Halkias?

  Like, it can be a Venn diagram. I feel like, you know, there are, there's probably very funny people that run successful meme pages, and I'm not saying, it's not a skill, find, having a good sense of humor, but it is a different thing than generating things from nothing. That's all I'm saying.

• 2:08:05Speaker 03

  We're not even talking about making memes. You're talking about reposting memes.

• 2:08:10Speaker 03

  This is a non-argument.

• 2:08:12Stavros Halkias?

  I hate that you're ma-

• 2:08:13Speaker 03

  This is not-

• 2:08:14Stavros Halkias?

  He's drug me into the mud. Do you understand?

• 2:08:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:08:17Stavros Halkias?

  Can you understand how stupid this feels? I literally, I don't, I hate that you're making me talk about this sincerely, that I have literally dedicated my life to comedy, and I'm a fucking thirty, you know, I'm thirty-five, and, you know, my career's good, but the rest of my life's dogshit. If there's one thing I know, it's being fucking- All I have in this world-

• 2:08:38Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 2:08:38Stavros Halkias?

  Is being funny and knowing what being funny is. And I'm sorry that you also wanna be funny, but you probably have a wife. You probably, well, I don't know about this guy, but you know what I'm saying? Actually, that's probably what's going on here. His life is as bad and he's not funny. But at the same time, I'm, I'm sorry that we're even having this discussion. It's just a different thing. You're, we're not, exactly, we're not even talking about making news.

• 2:09:00Speaker 03

  Quoting a funny movie?

• 2:09:01Stavros Halkias?

  Yes.

• 2:09:02Speaker 03

  Is it you being funny?

• 2:09:03Stavros Halkias?

  You're the guy who, in college, said, uh, "Milk was a bad choice", and everybody laughed.

• 2:09:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 2:09:10Stavros Halkias?

  And listen, I said it too.

• 2:09:12Speaker 03

  By the way, you're having fun.

• 2:09:13Stavros Halkias?

  You're, I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying you're not fucking funny by doing it.

• 2:09:16Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 2:09:17Stavros Halkias?

  And I'm not saying you, some people who, you know what? Fuck this guy. I don't know why I even allowed this. Fuck him. I didn't like his voice from the beginning. There was something off with his tone. And, okay, you're dying on the hill. Congratulations. Fuck you. Wow, you really made me fucking end this on a sour note, Eldis.

• 2:09:34Speaker 03

  No, I feel, I feel empowered, like this is, yeah.

• 2:09:37Stavros Halkias?

  But see, I do hate that too, because there's nothing worse than like, stand-ups, and again, I'm not trying to be one of those guys that pretend stand-up is an important thing.

• 2:09:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, of course.

• 2:09:47Stavros Halkias?

  It's not.

• 2:09:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, of course.

• 2:09:48Stavros Halkias?

  I'm not over here telling you, you, you don't get what it's like. I'm just saying, picking a funny thing is not be- That's, certain things are. We're just talking about the definition of words. And it's like-

• 2:10:02Speaker 03

  Don't degrade what we do.

• 2:10:03Stavros Halkias?

  Don't degrade, yeah.

• 2:10:04Speaker 03

  To the point.

• 2:10:05Stavros Halkias?

  You repost my joke about having a little dick. You didn't think about the joke.

• 2:10:09Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 2:10:10Stavros Halkias?

  You didn't make it. Well, I guess that does it. You know, usually Aldous, the idea is for a fun, lighthearted last call. When I say, "Hey Aldous, you got something fun for us to do?" Sorry, I didn't know that would get that out of him, man, sorry.

• 2:10:23Speaker 03

  We went cultural. We talked about the overculture here.

• 2:10:25Stavros Halkias?

  I know. I didn't know I would have licked the dragon with that one. Well, I thought it was gonna be a fun... You said it was an update. I thought it was probably some fat kid that we told to go on walks and buy 3XL shirts and believe in himself. And he's like, "Guess what? A girl kissed me." And we're like, "Yeah, good for you." Those are always fun, those updates. But this is some fucking... Anyway, who cares? I don't care. Repost your memes, brother. This was a great episode, Kate. You were so great.

• 2:10:51Speaker 03

  I had a blast.

• 2:10:52Stavros Halkias?

  Please come back. We'd love to have you.

• 2:10:53Speaker 03

  Would love to.

• 2:10:54Stavros Halkias?

  If you're ever in New York, if you're ever back in your old stomping grounds.

• 2:10:56Speaker 03

  Oh, honey, I'm there all the time.

• 2:10:57Stavros Halkias?

  You gotta check out the original studio, as of course, we are in Los Angeles right now. But this was great. Anything you wanna plug? Anything people wanna...

• 2:11:07Speaker 03

  Hey, sure. I have a podcast, actually. We're doing video now, too.

• 2:11:10Stavros Halkias?

  Love it.

• 2:11:10Speaker 03

  Berlant and Novak. I do it with Jaclyn Novak.

• 2:11:13Stavros Halkias?

  Hell, yeah.

• 2:11:14Speaker 03

  Comedian. Used to be called... Well, we had a podcast, Pug.

• 2:11:16Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 2:11:17Speaker 03

  I'm not gonna get into it, but we've got Berlant, Novak.

• 2:11:18Stavros Halkias?

  Did you get sued by Goop?

• 2:11:20Speaker 03

  Um, no, actually.

• 2:11:21Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 2:11:21Speaker 03

  Goop's been very friendly to us.

• 2:11:26Speaker 03

  But, uh, yeah, don't be a stranger out there.

• 2:11:28Stavros Halkias?

  Check out Kate. So, so funny. Um, do you have a spe... You taped a special. Is it coming out or anything?

• 2:11:34Speaker 03

  I have...

• 2:11:34Stavros Halkias?

  Do you not know?

• 2:11:35Speaker 03

  I have an old special.

• 2:11:36Stavros Halkias?

  Right. Cinnamon in the Wind, that's out there.

• 2:11:38Speaker 03

  Cinnamon in the Wind. You can find it on Hulu.

• 2:11:39Stavros Halkias?

  You got something with...

• 2:11:40Speaker 03

  I've got...

• 2:11:41Stavros Halkias?

  You and John Early did a very funny...

• 2:11:42Speaker 03

  We did a thing on Peacock. It was called Would It Kill You to Laugh. I'll be touring, actually, in the new year.

• 2:11:47Stavros Halkias?

  There we go. Check out the dates.

• 2:11:48Speaker 03

  So, please, @KateBurlant.

• 2:11:50Stavros Halkias?

  Mm-hmm. Send us the dates. We'll put them up there.

• 2:11:53Speaker 03

  Right.

• 2:11:53Stavros Halkias?

  Because this... I mean, it is... It's not... It won't come out in January. It's currently January.

• 2:11:57Speaker 03

  But 2025, I'm gonna be on the road.

• 2:11:58Stavros Halkias?

  Right. Great. Well, go see Kate live.

• 2:12:00Speaker 03

  Please do.

• 2:12:01Stavros Halkias?

  Listen to her podcast. And we will talk to you guys next time. Bye-bye.

• 2:12:17Speaker 13

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• 2:12:29Speaker 04

  Price and participation may vary. Promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing.

• 2:12:32Stavros Halkias?

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