Four pieces of advice from women in 'thriving' marriages

In today's episode: Over 12,000 women shared advice or words of wisdom they would give to other women in our recent survey. Today, we dive into relationship advice from women who said they were “thriving” in their marriage. Big thanks to Baby Bee and Mixa for making this episode possible. Baby Bee is the award-winning Australian pram brand making parent life easier, one clever idea at a time. You can find out more about Baby Bee here. Mixa creates ingredient-led skincare that’s dermatologically tested and specifically designed for sensitive skin! You can find it here. The Room is produced by Dimity Kirkwood and Lucy Hunt. We're a new show, and the best way to support us is by clicking ‘follow’ on Apple and Spotify, and we're super grateful to anyone who leaves a five-star review while they're at it. Also! An old-fashioned 'Tell a Friend In Real Life' is equally appreciated. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Georgia Allison?

  Welcome to The Room, where mothers meet to share their inner world. We're your hosts, I'm Georgia Allison.

• 0:07Rafa Husain?

  I'm Rafa Husain.

• 0:08Freya Bleathman?

  And I'm Freya Leithman.

• 0:09Georgia Allison?

  Today, happy Thursday everyone, by the way. This is a Thursday episode. Today, we're going to unpack people's advice about marriages and their relationships that they shared during the census. There was an opportunity at the right at the end of the census to share some advice that you would give other women. We're going to dissect four people's advice, mainly to do with marriages, relationships and so on. But, I don't know, this is our second episode. How do we feel, guys?

• 0:35Rafa Husain?

  So good. So excited to be here. And I'm really excited to dig into this advice because I personally froth this kind of stuff. I'm a self-help lover and I reckon I'll take on this advice as well if it's relevant.

• 0:48Georgia Allison?

  There'll be tips here for sure.

• 0:49Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 0:50Georgia Allison?

  First of all, Freya, you look amazing.

• 0:53Freya Bleathman?

  Oh, thank you.

• 0:55Georgia Allison?

  Must admit, seeing a good pair of...

• 0:58Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 0:59Freya Bleathman?

  Do you know what? Do you know what? This was a little treat for the listeners because I don't think they'll be around for very long. I just weaned my daughter, so I'm making the most of my breastfeeding.

• 1:10Rafa Husain?

  Is that when they're like, because they fill up so much, right? And then like while you're trying to fluctuate, yeah. They look amazing.

• 1:16Freya Bleathman?

  I just, I think I convinced myself that they were always that big.

• 1:20Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 1:20Freya Bleathman?

  And now they're getting smaller. I'm like, wait, stop.

• 1:23Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, I know. It's such an awesome time when you like have...

• 1:26Freya Bleathman?

  It's like the one thing I'm loving sick about myself.

• 1:29Georgia Allison?

  As you should. I'm so sorry. Like, I feel like off air, we were just commenting and I just like had to bring it in there because you truly look awesome.

• 1:35Rafa Husain?

  They do look good. I have to ask though, I had the biggest crash of hormones when I weaned breastfeeding. Got really sad. Do you have that yet?

• 1:45Freya Bleathman?

  I was worried about it. Like, how long? I think it's been about three weeks.

• 1:49Rafa Husain?

  Oh, you're done. Yeah, no, the mine, I think, was like a week after.

• 1:52Freya Bleathman?

  I think I'm pretty lucky. I don't seem to be someone that like feels hormone fluctuations as much. Like, I never got the day three blues after the baby. Yeah, like, so I don't know, I think I kind of have skated through that sort of stuff.

• 2:06Rafa Husain?

  Well, hopefully, because you had a very, very hectic and terrible pregnancy. So maybe this is God's gift. For HG, you don't get the crash of hormones, which is great. Do we want to kick off with any parenting wins or losses, like our own?

• 2:22Freya Bleathman?

  Are you doing a win or a loss?

• 2:23Rafa Husain?

  I'm going to do a win.

• 2:25Freya Bleathman?

  Okay, so I'll do a loss. Just to balance things.

• 2:28Rafa Husain?

  Keep it real.

• 2:29Freya Bleathman?

  So I am, I mean, I'm actually the youngest out of the three of us. But I think the listeners will learn quite quickly that I am sort of spiritually an old lady. And I do a walking group once a week. And on my walking group, we were talking about screen time. And I, we all checked our screen time. I'm not even going to say what mine was because it's fucked, but I...

• 2:54Rafa Husain?

  Can you attribute it to research for podcasts?

• 2:57Georgia Allison?

  Well, surely.

• 2:58Freya Bleathman?

  Yeah, well, I mean, some of it's the monitor and Huckleberry and all those sorts of things. But a lot of it's Instagram.

• 3:05Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:05Freya Bleathman?

  And I just really want to, it's always been the thought on my side. I just get really addicted and I'm a real like, pick up my phone for something and then 20 minutes later, I'm doing something else. Like, I can't even have, I have my, husband teases me because I've got my enormous iPad that I bought online and I don't really know inches. So it ended up being way bigger than I thought it was going to be. And I can't have Instagram and things on my phone. So I have it on my iPad. So I'm sitting there scrolling reels. This is me being like a nana. I'm there scrolling reels.

• 3:39Freya Bleathman?

  My enormous iPad.

• 3:41Georgia Allison?

  Next thing, you'll be with the iPad at like family functions, taking the photos. Does anyone have an auntie?

• 3:46Freya Bleathman?

  But my screen time's cooked. So if anyone's got any suggestions, please. Because I don't want to be on my phone around Golds as well.

• 3:52Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 3:52Freya Bleathman?

  Like, I try not to, but yeah.

• 3:54Georgia Allison?

  Yeah, that's a whole other episode, guys.

• 3:56Rafa Husain?

  Oh, yeah, definitely. Look, to make you feel better, I don't have great screen time either.

• 4:00Georgia Allison?

  No, I'm joining you.

• 4:01Rafa Husain?

  I'm right with you and I'm sure everyone else is as well. One thing that Will and I have sort of been grappling with is with the return to work full time for myself. Going from part-time, it felt like there was a little bit more time in the week to do dinner prep and all that sort of stuff. And we've really noticed the difference of that less time during the week with me going back to work full-time and then now doing this. So one of my wins is that on Sundays, Will and I now are planning what we're going to eat on my office days. And we're calling them, we need to find a better word, fridge dump bags. Which is essentially, he is marinating meat with veggies for a Tuesday and a Wednesday and chucks it in the slow cooker. So last week, it was chicken teriyaki and like, I think a tandoori chicken.

• 4:46Rafa Husain?

  The week before, it was a Greek lamb. And we've had this now in practice this week and it changed my Tuesday, Wednesday. To have that kind of locked away, get home 4.30, pick up the kids from childcare and dinner's done. So I can't believe we didn't start this early, but...

• 5:04Freya Bleathman?

  And presumably, you could put the stuff in a bag and freeze it.

• 5:07Rafa Husain?

  You could, yeah. Yeah, we haven't frozen them, but I assume it works the exact same way.

• 5:12Georgia Allison?

  I absolutely need to do that.

• 5:13Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, it's just game changer for our week.

• 5:16Georgia Allison?

  Before we get into it, from our advice that we're receiving across Australia, should we hear from today's girls?

• 5:22Rafa Husain?

  Yes, absolutely. This episode is brought to you by Baby B, the award-winning Australian pram brand, making parent life easier, one clever idea at a time. I have a Baby B pram, fully paid for before I had my second and we absolutely love it. It's just a game changer.

• 5:38Freya Bleathman?

  We do too. And also bought it with my own money. Before Baby B became a sponsor, love it. Love my pram. My, actually, my Baby B was the second pram I bought because I bought a different brand and didn't like it.

• 5:50Rafa Husain?

  Oh, there you go.

• 5:51Freya Bleathman?

  Love my Baby B.

• 5:52Georgia Allison?

  So as we said at the top, today's episode is around women's advice that they would give to other women, mainly about marriages and relationships. That's going to be our theme of the week. 20,000 of you were polled and our producers have taken four pieces of advice that we are going to discuss today.

• 6:11Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, excited to get into it.

• 6:13Georgia Allison?

  Let's hear for the first one.

• 6:15Freya Bleathman?

  Piece of advice, number one. A listener wrote in, be cautious with how much of your relationship you let others in on. Bar your absolute closest, challenges in your relationship are absolutely not for others to hear about.

• 6:28Georgia Allison?

  Thoughts?

• 6:29Freya Bleathman?

  What do you reckon, Georgia? I've got thoughts.

• 6:31Georgia Allison?

  I've got thoughts too. I, I don't want to, I, I, sorry. I don't know why I'm struggling to get this out. My initial thoughts are, I completely disagree. I think sharing your parts of your relationship is a way to connect with other people, to converse about like challenges. It's, it's super normal. I would be a bit more cautious of someone who doesn't say anything or is it private?

• 6:58Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 6:58Georgia Allison?

  To it, not to a fault, but I mean, also, like, I'm a bit of an open book, really.

• 7:03Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 7:04Freya Bleathman?

  And I think that's why we're here.

• 7:06Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, I know. I was like, I'll find that...

• 7:08Freya Bleathman?

  None of us can relate.

• 7:09Rafa Husain?

  Particularly difficult because we're all pretty open and honest about our lives. I assume we're focusing on people that have submitted that they're thriving or in happy marriages. So I'm like, kudos to this person who's able to maintain that level of satisfaction by being so private.

• 7:25Freya Bleathman?

  And just to clarify, this was, I think, a follow-up question. One of the other questions that we asked listeners was how happy they were in their marriages. And it was from kind of bottom was struggling a lot and then top was thriving.

• 7:40Georgia Allison?

  Yeah.

• 7:40Freya Bleathman?

  And we took these pieces of advice from those that were thriving.

• 7:44Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:45Freya Bleathman?

  So like, this girl knows what she's talking about.

• 7:47Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 7:48Freya Bleathman?

  I mean, I don't know, I'm the same, Georgia. I think I get stuck a little bit on, like, I think we need a definition of absolute closest.

• 7:54Georgia Allison?

  Because for everyone who's listening, you've now just become our nearest and closest. Because I feel like...

• 7:59Rafa Husain?

  Airing our dirty laundry on the air publicly.

• 8:02Georgia Allison?

  And I do think that you've got to be a bit cautious of who you're sharing your, you know, um, like, say for instance, I'm going to be talking about Matt, my husband, in not the best light. I think I would be just naturally cautious of who I'm saying that to.

• 8:18Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 8:18Georgia Allison?

  But to say that you, that it's, um, you know, it's not for other people to hear about, I think that's just like stopping you from connecting with a lot of people and being able to share your thoughts and understand like the nuances of relationships. I think the more that I've been in a relationship and I've been around other relationships, like I've been with my husband, Matt, almost six years of marriage, but, you know, together 15. And I think that it goes part and parcel of relationships, that you have your ups and downs. And so, you know, it might not all be rosy. But to be able to have conversations about how you're going in your relationship is helpful to you.

• 9:01Rafa Husain?

  Oh, definitely. I personally really need to talk things out. And I'll walk myself off the ledge if it's something that's, you know, me instigated or like my stuff that I need to work through. And sometimes I do need to be called out on that by talking through it with a friend. Or would they be like, oh, you're being a bit harsh on your partner at the moment? Or like, oh, I wouldn't have thought X, Y, Z. So I personally find so much of my friendships discuss, you know, the ups and downs and all of that sort of nuance. But, you know, for them, I do, I can see where they're coming from. I think in this like world of like social media and feedback on every little thing that you do,

• 9:43Rafa Husain?

  that perhaps they might feel that if they shared something very specific, that their friends would call them out and like, partner's cancelled, you know, even though she might not feel that way. Because we do live in a world where people feel, for whatever reason, they have a right to comment on it or say that, oh, that guy's such a loser. And perhaps that's not helpful in the biggest game of things as you go through these ups and downs to have every little detail dissected and debriefed. So I can see where that benefit, I don't personally operate that way, but...

• 10:15Georgia Allison?

  I also wanted to say, sometimes it can be a bit scary to be super honest and transparent about your relationship. And you worry that your friends might not take it the way you're intended and then potentially have this like chip on your shoulder about whatever you've shared intimately about your partner. And the worry is that they won't be able to see the nuance going forward or they'll, I don't know, hate your partner moving forward or suggest break up with him or whatever the case may be.

• 10:42Rafa Husain?

  Totally. Well, I'm, I'm sure we all have a friend that has experienced some type of challenge in their relationship or marriage. Whether it's, you know, financial issues, infidelity, blah, blah, blah. And we've probably said too much and that person either commits to that partner or works through it and things like that. So there's definitely that part of it to the equation where I understand as you've gone through friendships over the time. But yeah, to your point, you're like, you're up for judgment sometimes when you share too much, right? And you don't want that to be the case with your closest friends.

• 11:13Georgia Allison?

  Yeah. And I think going back to what we discussed before...

• 11:18Georgia Allison?

  Maybe you'd be a bit cautious about what you share, but I hope that I have the friendship. And I mean, maybe we're getting lost here because when we are talking about something that isn't so rosy about your partner, you might be doing it to your nearest and dearest and your closest people. And therefore you've made that assumption that they'll be able to see through whatever situation or challenge the two of you are facing. I certainly hope that I'm that friend.

• 11:45Rafa Husain?

  Exactly. Like the big picture side of things is so, so important.

• 11:49Freya Bleathman?

  Yeah. What we've been alluding to as well with our personality types. For me personally, I think if I was in a situation where my husband did something I didn't like or wasn't comfortable with, and I felt, oh, I don't want to tell anyone that. I think for me, that would be a red flag, that what he's done is actually really bad. Do you know what I mean? Like, I feel like if I don't share something, that's almost worse.

• 12:13Georgia Allison?

  Yeah. I, I just worry for the people who don't have, who don't share anything about their, their relationship. I mean, maybe protecting their peace, they're, they're super private and there, it's enough between the two people in that relationship to keep their sort of, whatever grievances that they're going through, just between the two of them. But I just know that when I do share, especially with my closest, you know, my friends especially, it's, it's liberating. I'm worried about it. I get a different perspective. I, they might disagree with me, they might wholeheartedly agree with me and it's, it's a vent.

• 12:50Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 12:51Georgia Allison?

  It's, it's healthy, I think.

• 12:53Freya Bleathman?

  Well, I think you guys then might like this second piece of advice.

• 12:57Georgia Allison?

  Yes.

• 12:58Freya Bleathman?

  Which is almost on the flip side. This listener wrote, female friendships are one of, if not the most important relationships to nurture and hold close in your life. Men come and go, but the right women will be there to see you through it all.

• 13:12Georgia Allison?

  I love that piece of advice. Whoever wrote that in.

• 13:14Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 13:15Georgia Allison?

  Well done.

• 13:15Rafa Husain?

  It's an exact, it's almost the opposite of advice number one, isn't it? Like the, the sharing and then the role of female friendships. And I think we're all kind of saying like, that's how we've seen those roles in our lives and how important they are.

• 13:28Georgia Allison?

  I couldn't agree more that like female friendships or my friendships with women have like literally shaped how I love. I fully believe that. And I think it's especially lovely when you do have young children as well, to be able to have your female friendships.

• 13:46Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 13:46Georgia Allison?

  Who might have children the same age and you're going through something that is like transformative. And be able to, to, to do that together.

• 13:56Rafa Husain?

  I would say Will's like one of my best mates. Like I love him and I love the adventures that we go on. But time with your girlfriends and the fun that you have, just talking shit. And like, you know, go, whether it's on a walk or out for drinks, like there's really nothing that can be replicated.

• 14:12Freya Bleathman?

  I'm so interested, Hasted Will is one of your best mates. Cause I just, I have a bit of a Roman Empire about people that call, like when people call their partners their best friends.

• 14:23Rafa Husain?

  Quite interesting, as in it's like not a cool thing.

• 14:26Freya Bleathman?

  I just, I think more of a, like intrigued thing. Cause I, I don't think of my husband as my best friend. And I always, I'm always like, oh, really? Like really? I, like, I find it hard to believe, I think, more than anything else, because I feel like what I get from my friends is so different to what I get from my husband.

• 14:49Rafa Husain?

  I think.

• 14:49Freya Bleathman?

  And I need.

• 14:50Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 14:51Freya Bleathman?

  I, I don't think I could get all of that from one person.

• 14:53Rafa Husain?

  One thing we didn't talk about in the last episode was how, um, and it was interesting because, um, we talked about thriving, going well, struggling a little bit. And there was a question that we didn't get to unpack around, could you go from struggling to going well and thriving? And are there any tools or tips that we've done in our own partnerships? I always come back to the fact, and it is helpful that Will and I have known each other for 14 years. So we have known each other for over a third of our lives. The basis of our initial friendship is why we are closer to personally going really well slash thriving.

• 15:32Rafa Husain?

  Because he is very helpful. I grew up in a very serious household, um, in my parents and their style of parenting. He's very playful. And so when I'm, you know, at my like most pressured, stressful, he has a really good offset to me to go for playful silliness and friendship. And it really brings us back quite nicely. And that was something when we, um, I talked about going to a marriage counselor. We had our second in the last episode. That was something that she said is a super strength of ours. That our, our marriage is based on a very close friendship. So she's like, when you go through those moments where you're really annoyed at each other or hating on each other, or really don't like something that they've done, and you're on the same team, just remind yourself that you really like this guy

• 16:17Rafa Husain?

  and he's your friend. So that's probably what I mean by like one of my best mates.

• 16:22Freya Bleathman?

  Yeah, you did say one of.

• 16:23Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, camaraderie. Like I don't think he's like my only best friend, but we have a very strong sense of friendship.

• 16:29Freya Bleathman?

  Yeah.

• 16:29Rafa Husain?

  We love music. We, we try and find, okay, what are those things that can bring us back together? When like the going gets tough on the day to day.

• 16:36Georgia Allison?

  I reckon I feel I'm sitting sort of in between you guys here because I would also, and this comes from the fact that I've known my husband Matt for 20 years and been together for 15. And we started off as friends, but my female friendships unlock a different part of me. Like they, it's, it's, it's what I can get out of them, I can't get out of Matt.

• 16:58Freya Bleathman?

  Yeah. I think that's what I maybe is describing better how I feel.

• 17:02Georgia Allison?

  Yeah. Yeah. And I think, um.

• 17:05Rafa Husain?

  They play like completely different.

• 17:07Georgia Allison?

  Yeah. And you, and you're unlocking a different version of yourself.

• 17:10Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 17:10Georgia Allison?

  Like, I sort of think that when I leave my female friendships and I think catch-ups and yeah, couldn't speak more highly of them. I think we're all on the same page.

• 17:20Rafa Husain?

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• 18:02Rafa Husain?

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• 18:33Freya Bleathman?

  Okay. Are we ready for piece of advice number three?

• 18:36Georgia Allison?

  Let's hear it.

• 18:38Freya Bleathman?

  This listener wrote, whatever you do, whether you marry or not, keep your own money and a separate bank account to your relationship. A joint account is great for bills and managing your home, but remember your money equals your freedom. Keep your freedom. Also buy those shoes. If you want them, buy them. That is your right.

• 18:55Rafa Husain?

  Absolutely.

• 18:57Freya Bleathman?

  So you guys agree?

• 18:58Georgia Allison?

  I completely agree.

• 18:59Freya Bleathman?

  Yeah, I agree too. What, what's your financial setup with bank accounts with your husbands?

• 19:04Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, absolutely agree on this. We probably took a while to get to this recommendation after having fights around money and things like that.

• 19:11Georgia Allison?

  Yeah, really?

• 19:12Rafa Husain?

  Um, yeah. I think we, uh, had separate accounts, then obviously bought the house. We've got a, um, we have a mortgage together. Then the kids came along and we kind of had this like moment where we were like, oh my God, money's disappearing here and hadn't done the budgeting and all that sort of stuff. We decided to see a financial planner after my dad passed and work out, because the Will's in estate side of that was really complex for us. And it kind of kicked into gear, like the importance of talking about money with your family, which my family kind of never did. We always had a real, like a generous spirit, but just like financial practicalities of insurance and things like that were not sorted. So when we had that conversation with the financial planner, we decided to set up our separate bank accounts for our own spending.

• 19:57Rafa Husain?

  So our money goes into the offset, then we have a personal spending account each. What we do with that is a proportion to our own salaries. So if I spend more because I might earn more, that's up to me, vice versa with Will. So, um, that's worked really well.

• 20:15Freya Bleathman?

  Like each of you will get 30% of your salary into your own spending account.

• 20:18Rafa Husain?

  Exactly. So it's like 20%, then you know, 60% for bills, utilities and all that sort of stuff. And then we've got a nice sort of automatic debit that goes towards savings for kids, holidays and all that sort of stuff. So that also sits separate to our own personal spending money. I. Gift myself shopping and things like that. It makes me feel good. I've always been into fashion and style, so that's very important for me. I could not handle him commenting on all the things that I buy and vice versa. I'm sure Will also loves, that's my husband, loves me not commenting on all the things. Although I do notice a lot more Amazon boxes come around his house. I'm like, what is this other little gadget that we need?

• 20:59Rafa Husain?

  So yeah, I totally agree with this advice because I think it's so important. Especially if you've got different like money stories and the way you spend and things like that is different. We were very, very different. So joining that up post kids has been incredibly helpful.

• 21:15Georgia Allison?

  Did you do this, Rafa, post kids, all of this?

• 21:18Rafa Husain?

  We had the initial setup pre kids and then have really put it into action post kids. Cause obviously then childcare and all that sort of stuff comes into it. Where our personal spending has definitely decreased. I think it was like 30% at some stage now down to five.

• 21:33Rafa Husain?

  The disposable income per month is not as high, but you know, that's okay. It's a part of the chapter that we're in.

• 21:38Georgia Allison?

  Yeah. And I think we're pretty much exactly the same, to be honest. We have a, had a mortgage. I'm trying to buy a house. So I don't have one at the moment, but we did the same. So put our, both of our salaries go into an offset and we get a personal spending out of that. It's not reflective of our salaries. I think probably good for me.

• 22:02Freya Bleathman?

  I might suggest that.

• 22:03Rafa Husain?

  You're like, Matt, don't listen.

• 22:06Freya Bleathman?

  Pretty much. That's so funny you say that because we have our own, I mean, we're not as organised as you guys. I need, I don't know if there's any financial planners listening. We, so we get paid into our own accounts and then we do have a joint account for bills and things like that. That a portion of our money goes into. But I was always very kind of passionate about having my own money and I fully agree with this listener. But it was so funny because now I'm on Matt leave and I'm on sentry. And the other day I was like, maybe we should just both put our income into the same. Should we just like fully have a joint account? And Ruth's like, Freya.

• 22:44Rafa Husain?

  I see you wanting $20 for me.

• 22:47Freya Bleathman?

  So he's like, I'm like, I just don't think this is working. And he's like, it was working great when you were earning more. And your proportion was like so much higher. Now we have to share everything. You're suddenly like, oh.

• 22:57Georgia Allison?

  That's actually a good point you've raised there Freya, because I think when you are on parental leave and you potentially are down on one income, like now working four days a week has really helped with this sort of like spending. Like I'm spending probably more than I've ever spent because I'm earning and I have always loved earning my own money. But when you're studying, like when I was at law school, I fully relied, and I was with Matt at that time. I fully relied on him to support me. And sort of, I remember actually having a conversation with him being like, this won't always be like this, but like, help me out here.

• 23:31Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, there's the seasons of your life.

• 23:34Georgia Allison?

  And same with having little children. And I mean, like, we had three kids in, you know, in the same day.

• 23:40Rafa Husain?

  Quick succession.

• 23:41Georgia Allison?

  I was gonna say quick succession. Yeah, it was actually seconds. On their birth certificate, it's a minute apart, but all right, they came out quick. So yeah, we, having three kids is no joke. And being on, I only had one set of parental leave. We do get a multiple birth payment, but it's rubbish.

• 24:01Rafa Husain?

  Could be more.

• 24:01Georgia Allison?

  It's, no, it's not even, it doesn't even like.

• 24:05Freya Bleathman?

  And I've heard it doesn't, so having two babies doesn't double the cost. It's more than that, I'm pretty sure.

• 24:12Georgia Allison?

  Yeah, it's five times, it costs you five times more if you have twins than if you had a singleton. This is research that's come out of the Multiple Birth Association. If you have triplets, it doesn't cost you triple. It costs you 13 times more financially than if you had a singleton. It's outrageous.

• 24:32Rafa Husain?

  13 times sounds right and I cannot even imagine.

• 24:35Georgia Allison?

  Yeah. And I mean, for the listeners, it's hard to sort of like understand in your brain. It's not just 13 times the nappies. It's, oh, sorry. It's not just three times the nappies, three cots. I mean, talking about baby B, I don't know if they do a triple prem, but I have gone through that many prems. But it's also considering of like new car. It's the additional appointments, medical.

• 24:58Freya Bleathman?

  We have to move house.

• 24:59Georgia Allison?

  Yeah, did you? Well, thankfully. Thankfully we did not have to move house or have a new car. But that 13 times what it would cost you to have a singleton includes so much more than just what you're thinking. It's also formula. Like, I mean, if you're not going to breastfeed, which is bloody hard enough and to try and for triplets. Yeah. So it includes a lot more.

• 25:21Rafa Husain?

  Yeah. So I think like bringing it back to this advice piece, like money is so important to, I guess, navigate in the way that works. And I do personally believe financial independence is so important. So wholeheartedly agree with the, the advice that we've been shared.

• 25:40Freya Bleathman?

  And I guess the subtext of that is also potentially, you know, hopefully we all stay with our partners. We have long, happy marriages and blah, blah, blah. But that doesn't happen and that's not always in your control. Anything can happen and having that little bit of kind of safety buffer and independence is so important.

• 25:57Georgia Allison?

  And I just love the idea of this advice being like, buy the shoes, buy the handbag, you deserve it, you're right. Couldn't agree more with that, but it also comes with a sense of like, you know, considering of your situation.

• 26:09Rafa Husain?

  Yeah. It's not going to be always a season where you can have those splurges, is there? Yeah.

• 26:14Freya Bleathman?

  Before we move on to our final, fourth and final piece of advice, let's hear from today's sponsor.

• 26:19Rafa Husain?

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• 27:00Rafa Husain?

  I don't know if you can see my lovely hands here, but I moisturised my babies this morning with the seeker and myself, which is great. I love those formulas that you can do for your baby and adult. So, so easy to like have around the house. I'm always like, oh, can this be used for the kids? And it's, I usually have eczema and it is unbelievable. So moisturising.

• 27:22Georgia Allison?

  I've literally been putting it all on my face at night.

• 27:24Freya Bleathman?

  I started doing that after Rafa said it.

• 27:27Georgia Allison?

  Yeah, maybe you gave me that advice.

• 27:29Rafa Husain?

  I did. I love it. It's so, so good.

• 27:32Freya Bleathman?

  And it's a good little size. Like we just have one in the swimming bag. It's small, chuck it in. Yeah. Love it.

• 27:38Rafa Husain?

  So good.

• 27:38Freya Bleathman?

  All right. Fourth and final piece of advice from our listeners. So this listener said, in relationships, always taking some accountability takes the steam out of arguments. I really think that no matter the situation, there's always some accountability that can be taken. Sometimes it means having to look inwards and it sucks. And acknowledging that you're part of the problem or that you are extra vulnerable and need to grow stronger and more secure in yourself. The more you respect yourself, the more other people will. The more you are kind to yourself, the more other people will be kind to you.

• 28:12Georgia Allison?

  Again, I love this piece of advice. Our listeners are so intelligent and I really need to take some advice.

• 28:17Rafa Husain?

  I was like, can she be my son?

• 28:19Georgia Allison?

  This particular advice like really like struck a chord with me because I think I could take a lot from it.

• 28:25Freya Bleathman?

  I was gonna say, this feels, sorry, this feels aspirational rather than what I actually do.

• 28:30Georgia Allison?

  I just tend to like be the person who, in a relationship between Matt and I, being like, like I'm sort of always right.

• 28:39Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, I think Will's gonna be listening to that piece of advice and go, Rafa, take note.

• 28:44Georgia Allison?

  I read this to my husband Matt this morning on the way here and I'm like, this, like, what do you think of this? He's like, that's really good. Cause he's often the one who's like bringing me and be like, Georgia, this is something that you could work on as well, which feels annoying when he says it, even though he's right. So when I read him this morning, this piece of advice, it's like, yeah, bang on.

• 29:05Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, no doubt.

• 29:07Freya Bleathman?

  Yeah, Rue's so much better at this than me. And he's really good at if we're having an argument or something. Like his line is always, remember we're on the same team. And it just diffuses and we have to shake hands.

• 29:19Rafa Husain?

  What a smart man. The shaking of the hands is amazing.

• 29:23Freya Bleathman?

  We were walking down the street once and these two siblings were having like fighting with each other. And the mum was, the mum turned around, she's like, you two, hold hands. And then they like had to hold hands and ever since then, whenever we're having a fight, like hold hands.

• 29:34Rafa Husain?

  Oh my gosh, that is really cute. I love hearing that. He's also the nicest man. So I'm no doubt the shaking of the hands is a very cute thing to do.

• 29:46Freya Bleathman?

  I mean, I think it's sort of beyond the scope of this piece of advice, but when we were talking before about advice and kind of how to diffuse arguments and things, I think Rafa, you alluded to it, but just having humour. Kind of childishness. Like, and I think poking fun at yourself. Like Rue will often be like, I'm like, oh, just like you're being, you know, ridiculous or don't chuck a tantrum. He's like, yeah, I am gonna chuck a tantrum. I'm gonna storm off into my bedroom and have a little soak. And it's just like, you know, you kind of can't say mad.

• 30:11Rafa Husain?

  So, so funny. Will's favourite thing to do is like when we've had like a really tense argument. And I'm like stomping around the kitchen and like flying around the dishwasher. He'll like try and give me a hug mid moment at the sink. And I'm like, you've got to be joking. This is the worst possible time to try and touch me. And he will just, it's his thing now. So he'll like pinch my arse or like give me a little bum tap to try and diffuse the situation. And I hate it, but I also love it. And he now knows that. It's so funny. Like how to, yeah, finding those right moments to diffuse an argument.

• 30:43Freya Bleathman?

  I think it's kind of, sorry, this is so much of a tangent, but I remember listening to this episode of The Imperfects once. And do you know, who's the guy, who's the husband of Kath in Kath and Kim? Kel Robbins or something?

• 30:56Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, I can't remember the name.

• 30:58Georgia Allison?

  Kel Knight's, Kel Knight's the character. Oh my gosh.

• 31:02Rafa Husain?

  I forget what his name is in real life.

• 31:03Georgia Allison?

  Something Robbins.

• 31:04Freya Bleathman?

  Yeah, I feel like it's something Robbins.

• 31:05Georgia Allison?

  It's gonna come to me.

• 31:06Freya Bleathman?

  And apparently when he has a fight with his partner, he pulls his pants down.

• 31:12Rafa Husain?

  Oh my god.

• 31:13Freya Bleathman?

  And it just fired out.

• 31:14Georgia Allison?

  It just uses the situation.

• 31:16Rafa Husain?

  That is hilarious.

• 31:17Freya Bleathman?

  And it's just like, and it's also, I think, just saying like, we're being silly.

• 31:20Georgia Allison?

  Yeah.

• 31:20Freya Bleathman?

  We're on the same team.

• 31:21Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 31:22Freya Bleathman?

  This is.

• 31:22Georgia Allison?

  We, Matt and I also do, it's Glenn Robbins.

• 31:25Rafa Husain?

  Glenn Robbins. Well done. Yeah, I do think, yeah, sorry, you were gonna say.

• 31:31Georgia Allison?

  I was just gonna say, I think, um, I, Matt and I tend to also use same team as well. It needs to be used at the right context, but it is such a way to de-escalate the situation. And they're just like, coming out of it, see the perspective and see each other's point of view, which is exactly what this listener is trying to do.

• 31:49Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 31:49Georgia Allison?

  It's just trying to say, take the steam out of something, see the humour, do the playfulness.

• 31:54Rafa Husain?

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:54Georgia Allison?

  Um, pull your pants down.

• 31:56Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, pull the pants down. I think it's hard. When I first saw it, I was like, it's such a valid take. But I always, to your point, George, I always feel like I'm usually right.

• 32:05Georgia Allison?

  Yeah.

• 32:05Rafa Husain?

  And I am probably always right as well.

• 32:09Georgia Allison?

  Exactly. I feel like this is really good advice, but I'm also like.

• 32:12Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 32:12Georgia Allison?

  Yeah, it's hard to relate.

• 32:13Rafa Husain?

  So like, that self-reflection and awareness. So I'm like, well, if you didn't do that fricking annoying thing in the first place, we probably wouldn't be having this fight. Um, but yeah, I think the challenge when we had, I mentioned in the last episode, we ended up seeing a marriage counselor when we had our second, um, because it put so much pressure on like our relationship at the time. And we did not have the language to talk to each other in a nice way. Certainly I didn't. Um, so my, my view was to see a marriage counselor. I've seen a psychologist for years. I'm very, very pro sort of expert help when you need it.

• 32:45Georgia Allison?

  Mm.

• 32:45Rafa Husain?

  Um, but the marriage counselor heard what we were like grappling with and fighting about. And she's like, okay, Raf, we're gonna start with you. And I was like, no, no, no.

• 32:53Georgia Allison?

  Yeah.

• 32:54Rafa Husain?

  I don't feature in this because I've initiated this.

• 32:56Freya Bleathman?

  We're, we're helping him.

• 32:58Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 32:59Freya Bleathman?

  We're fixing you.

• 33:00Georgia Allison?

  We're in the same team.

• 33:01Rafa Husain?

  And it was such an important lesson in the partnership and being able to self-reflect on my role in, um, you know, some of the challenges that we were having and all of that sort of stuff. So I think it's a really valid and very mature way to, um, yeah, look at your relationship and seeing your role in it, their role in it, how you can come together. So, yeah, I loved it.

• 33:25Georgia Allison?

  Hmm. It also actually maybe just think about that piece of advice that you, you know, people don't necessarily remember what you said to them, but they also, but they will remember how you made them feel.

• 33:36Rafa Husain?

  Hundred percent.

• 33:37Freya Bleathman?

  Maya Angelou, is it?

• 33:38Georgia Allison?

  Is it?

• 33:39Freya Bleathman?

  I think so.

• 33:40Rafa Husain?

  It's a very important quote.

• 33:41Georgia Allison?

  Well, it's, it's so important in any relationship, but especially in like an intimate or partnership relationship, is just to sort of see, despite, you know, what we're going through, we still continue to choose each other and be able to see where you can grow.

• 33:57Rafa Husain?

  Yeah.

• 33:57Georgia Allison?

  Even if you are always right.

• 33:59Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, hundred percent.

• 34:00Georgia Allison?

  Thank you so much to our listeners. I think that's probably us done today.

• 34:03Rafa Husain?

  That's our first mailbag.

• 34:05Georgia Allison?

  I know. We love this.

• 34:07Rafa Husain?

  Yeah, yeah, um, written in with some expert advice. So please keep it coming.

• 34:12Georgia Allison?

  Yeah, please send in your thoughts and questions. We will be sharing some of these on the Thursday episodes. And you can do that by emailing us at [email protected].

• 34:22Freya Bleathman?

  We'll see you Tuesday.

• 34:23Georgia Allison?

  Woohoo.

• 34:23Rafa Husain?

  Woohoo, bye.

• 34:32Speaker 03

  Shameless Media. This podcast was recorded on Wurundjeri land, always was, always will be Aboriginal land.

• 34:41Speaker 04

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