176: Mixed Signals, Friendzones, and Breadcrumbs | In The Trenches

In this In The Trenches episode, we dig into the psychology of mixed signals, friendzones, breadcrumbing, and almost-relationships. From slow-burn connections that feel safe but confusing to flirty “friends” who keep you close for validation, we break down how to tell the difference between a secure slow build and self-friend-zoning. You’ll learn why some people want your emotional support without offering real intimacy, how to stop filling in the blanks with fantasy, and what mixed messages actually reveal about someone’s intentions. We also get into situationships with no clarity, avoidant communication, and the ego-hit that keeps you hoping things will change. You’ll learn the markers of genuine interest vs passive connection, how to initiate the conversations that create clarity, and how to stop outsourcing your worth to inconsistency. If you’re stuck in limbo, questioning the dynamic, or tired of reading between the lines, this episode gives you the tools to see the pattern and choose what actually serves you. Struggling in dating? Change the way you approach every potential match in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Healthy Dating Foundation Course HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Ugh, I hate Mondays.

• 0:01Speaker 01

  King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl Bite?

• 0:03Speaker 00

  Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.

• 0:09Speaker 02

  Hey, let's get back to work, please.

• 0:10Speaker 00

  But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites.

• 0:15Speaker 02

  Taylor Hansen? Nice.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Try one.

• 0:18Speaker 02

  Mmm.

• 0:22Speaker 03

  King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. There's nothing like it.

• 0:30Sabrina Zohar?

  Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, babes. We're in the trenches today. And we are gonna be talking about all things about going slow, early stages of dating. This is the pain points you guys are having. We got a profile. We're going to audit if we have time. And I really wanna meet you guys where you're at. So don't forget to email [email protected] if you wanna send in screenshots, your questions, whatever you guys need. That's why we have the bonus episode to help you guys. So, without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? Hey, babes. Um, you might notice something a little different about the studio today if you're watching. The pink chairs have officially been retired. And it's bittersweet, my babes. If you've been with me since the beginning, you know that those chairs have met.

• 1:14Sabrina Zohar?

  And they're in the house. They're not gone. But I am ready. I'm ready to shed. I am ready for new. I'm ready for the next year. I'm ready to let it go. I realized how much I was holding on to and this narrative that I was creating about things. And I'm going to do, for next week's episode, I'm going to explain a little bit more on the December 19th episode about my journey, but I'm really fucking excited for what's to come. And I am so beyond grateful that you guys are here with me. I don't think "thank you" says enough of how lovely and incredible this community is and how grateful I am that you're part of it. And so if you're new, welcome. And if you've been here, welcome back. We got some questions. You guys wrote in about going slow and navigating those early stages of dating, which can be really fucking tough, and I'm going to help in the best ways I can.

• 1:57Sabrina Zohar?

  But like I said, I can only do this if you guys send them in, so please don't forget. And don't forget, as always, rate and review the show, share it with a friend. Please even just leave a heart or a comment on any episode you listen to. That's the only way I grow. And I'm so grateful. Guys, if you need ad free, that's available in the link in show notes. Or if you want to join the Healthy Dating and Relationship Foundation course, that's available right now where we give you the tools, the step by step, things that you need in order to go slow and get into a relationship faster and build a healthy foundation for you and anything moving forward. So check that out in the link in show notes or at sabrina zohar.com. Okay, let's get to it. And guys, as always, you can work one on one or ask a question. Like those things are there, but I really wanted to focus on the Healthy Relationship Foundation course because it's so special and it really gives you the tools that you guys

• 2:42Sabrina Zohar?

  need instead of just trying to figure it out along the way. All right, let's see. Hey Sabrina. Hi babes. And mind you, let me preface, first time I'm reading these, I have no idea. Ryan gave me a quick understanding of like here are the overarching themes. You're getting 100% real right now. First of all, thank you truly. You've become the girlfriend in my pocket who calls me out with love, reminds me to breathe and keeps my anxious brain from hosting its own horror movie at 2 a.m. I couldn't fucking be prouder than you. So I need to talk to you, I need you to talk to me straight on something. Let's go baby. All right, I'm a gay man in my mid 30s who's used to sprint, who's used to sprint into relationships like I was training for the Olympics. Fast, intense fireworks, venomously burnt to a crisp and jaded afterwards. I've been doing the work, therapy, accountability, catching my spirals before they become novels, all of it, and I'm proud of how far I've come. So am I.

• 3:27Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, now here's the situation. I've been seeing this guy for the past four months and for the first time in my life, it's been slow, healthy slow, intentional slow. We text every day. Okay, I'm looking at you about that. That's slow texting every day, but I love you. Okay, hang out multiple times a week and both admitted that in the past relationships, we never built a real foundation, we respectively paid for it. Okay, fine, I'm here. So now we're actually doing it. Friendship, trust, presence, authenticity. It feels safe, it feels different and honestly, it feels good. But here's where my healing meets my humanness. Girl, did I friend zone myself? With the only physical affection he's, has been hugs goodbye and this one cute moment of lingering finger holding ages ago while drunk. This is huge since most of my relationships in the past have always started with sex. And while the healed version of me is like, yes babe, look at us doing something,

• 4:11Sabrina Zohar?

  how they, the old panic goblin in my brain occasionally pops up. Hi, just checking, are we dating or are we his emotional support gay friend now? Let that goblin know to fuck off. No, the panic goblin, he's right, but he's not right about this. It reminds me of Big Mouth. If you guys have watched it, all the characters, I love it. So Sabrina, girl, I need your no BS perspective. Okay. I don't want to rush him, I don't want to rush me, I don't want to sabotage something that actually has potential because of old wounds, but I genuinely don't know how to tell the difference between a secure, slow-building connection and me silently hoping he'll make a move while he's silently categorizing me as buddy in the buddy folder. How do I know if I'm building something healthy to secure pace or if I've unintentionally tucked myself neatly into the friend zone because I was too scared to speak up? Give it to me straight, I can take it. Thank you for being the voice I didn't know I need, much appreciated. Dylan from Hawaii. Oh Dylan, I'm so fucking proud of you.

• 4:55Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm proud of every single person because look at the awareness. I know for me, I didn't ever have these fucking awarenesses when I was, before I was doing the work, so you have a lot to be proud of for yourself, first of all. All right, let's talk. I think you said it, you said everything that I needed to see. Did I friendzone myself because I was too afraid to speak up? And so now we have to look and say, are we going slow? Does this feel safe? And I played devil's advocate, does this feel safe or are we going to a fond response? And what I mean by that isn't that the other person has done anything, please no, this person sounds lovely, but what I mean by that is, if it's really safe, then part of safety is feeling safe to express yourself to that partner. When Chris Lee, you guys have his episode coming out soon? Or already happened?

• 5:39Sabrina Zohar?

  I can't remember because my brain is a pea brain, but I think it's coming out next, in like a couple of days. And we were talking about part of safety is feeling like you can actually have these conversations with your partner. Your partner that you're with creates the safe space, that the safety isn't because you are just amazing and everything's great, no matter what this other person says, I feel good. It's knowing, like, when Ryan and I, I don't know if you guys watched the end, the interview that we had, which I am so obsessed with it, it was so beautiful. And really, the reason we both feel so safe is because we have the tough conversations and the other person doesn't judge us, doesn't shut down, doesn't belittle us. Even when Ryan would go into his avoidance stuff, that didn't mean that he was completely offline. And when he was, I would say something. Part of a healthy and secure relationship is that you're having the tough conversations,

• 6:24Sabrina Zohar?

  even when you are scared of the answer. Here's something I wish I learned along the way about a healthy and secure relationship. You don't feel healthy and secure just because voila, this person is so amazing and everything is perfect. If you're scared of pushing somebody away because I'm gonna be too much, they're gonna leave, then baby, you didn't have them to begin with. Because if you simply having a need, if you getting curious, if you saying something sends them running, then good, let me open the fucking door so that you don't waste any more of my time on your way out. So we have to be aware and cognizant of what's coming up for you. What has stopped you from being like, hey, I'm confused. Are we friends or are we more than that? I had that. I was seeing, like, I had met this guy at like a beach party. And he was super cute. And I remember, like, we exchanged, we talked, like, you know, for like two or three hours there.

• 7:08Sabrina Zohar?

  And then the, a bunch of the people were like, hey, we're all gonna go get dinner. And I was like, shit, I have to go walk Clem. And he was like, well, I would love for you to join after, I'd love to continue our conversation. I was like, okay, cool. Went home, walked Clem, and then I text the group and I was like, hey, are we all out? And the guy was, he texted me back being like, yeah, come, so and so. I get there, there's a seat next to him waiting for me. And then I kind of quickly realized, like, he was super enthralled in the business owner side of me. But he wasn't really, like, getting to know me in any other ways, besides being so impressed with what I've done with software. WearSoftware.com. Shameless plug. But then I started to realize after, like, we'd hung out like three times. And I'll never forget, he was sick with the flu. And I said, I'm gonna go get you soup. And he said, no, no, please let me pay you back, you don't need to do it.

• 7:51Sabrina Zohar?

  And I remember being like, hey, I gotta ask, are we friends or is this romantic? I was like, I don't really know how to read it, we've hung out a bunch of times. And I'm trying to understand what we are. And he said, I'm getting more of a friend vibe. And I went, okay, yeah, you can go pick up your own fucking soup, I'll talk to you later. I was like, cause, and like, we joked about it. And like, at that point, he was like, thank you. It's okay to ask. Now, in the time, yeah, I was a little nervous. I was like, oh, but the fantasy wasn't protecting me from anything. Now, it's very clear this person likes you. They wouldn't be spending time with you. And maybe he's thinking the same thing. Maybe he's thinking, oh, he might not want to go be intimate. Or, you know, like, it's okay to ask, hey, can I kiss you? I'd really love to. Or, hey, I'm really struggling to read, like, get a read on us. Are you interested in this romantically? Or are you getting more of a friend vibe? Because I really like you, but I want to go at a pace that feels comfortable for us both,

• 8:36Sabrina Zohar?

  including the intimacy and the physicality of it. That's the point of having the conversations. Being regulated enough to be able to go to this person, and then whatever they say, you handle it. Right? Because like, at this point, your brain is trying to fill in the gaps of like, okay, well, they're showing up, which means they're like, we're creating the narratives and the stories, but that doesn't necessarily mean that that's what's happening. I, based on what you're telling me, this person very clearly likes you as a human. In what capacity? I'm not going to try to read their mind to figure it out. But what I will say is, the beautiful thing about communication in a relationship, or in the dating field, is that you'll get what you want, which is them, or what you need, which is clarity. And that truly is a win-win. So if you're scared to speak up, we have to look and say, what am I scared of hearing? All right, next question, babes. Hi Sabrina, I'm a big fan of the show, so I'm even more excited to have a story for your input

• 9:21Sabrina Zohar?

  and in the trenches. Me too, babes! Okay. A little background. I moved to a smallish town about two years ago, and when I did, I decided to take dating seriously. I did the inner work, felt like I was being my most authentic self, and truly felt ready. I dove headfirst into the dating scene, and wow, it's brutal out there. Nothing serious ever came out of the many first, second, or third, or even fourth dates I went on. Fast forward to this past spring. I went on two dates with a guy I actually felt real chemistry and shared values with. He's a big texter, I'm not. Aha! Can we just hold a finger for this? It's not all women that are big texters. Sometimes, men are, and women aren't. It's not gendered. We gotta stop with that shit. There are plenty of people that just don't connect via text. Okay, sorry, that's my soapbox. Okay. I have a busy life and prefer saving deeper conversations for in person.

• 10:04Sabrina Zohar?

  After what felt like ages of texting, I finally told some, something along the lines of, hey, I would love to go on another date, but I'm not much of a texter. Let me know when you're free, and we can talk, uh, more than, and we can talk more than. Then, crickets. Never heard from him again. Motherfucker. I was upset, but since it had only been two dates, I shrugged it off and moved on. I'm proud of you, baby! All right, this summer hits, and we match again on the apps. I gave him a hard time about ghosting me, and we started talking again, but the caveat that we'd just be front... Oh, babe.

• 10:31Sabrina Zohar?

  Alright, let's keep it going, but don't love it. This is the self-abandonment piece of like, what do you want to be friends with somebody that you set a boundary, saying, "Hey, I'd like to hang out again," and they ghost you? Like, I haven't even read the rest of this, but I gotta be honest. What are you hoping is gonna happen? Somebody can text you every single day and have zero intentions of a relationship, and this is the prime example. You guys text every single day, and the minute you say, "Hey, I'd love to spend time with you," they fucking ghost. And if this person has decided to exit stage left, why the fuck are we allowing them back in our life? We cannot be surprised after, when it doesn't work out. They showed you their true colors. Now I need you to believe them. Alright, let's get back to it. Sorry, I went on my soapbox. I love you guys, thanks for letting me. I liked his energy and he's fun to be around, so I figured being friends won't hurt. Well, now we've hung out on somewhat irregularly and texting weekly.

• 11:16Sabrina Zohar?

  Like mature adults, we had an honest in-person talk and about feelings in the classic, "What are we?" conversation. We landed on just being really flirty, sexually tense friends. Okay. We're both very attracted to each other, so being fully platonic isn't realistic for us. We flirt constantly, we're middle-school-level affectionate, cuddling, holding hands, but we're not having sex. This is a hard boundary I've made, and he is respectful about it. Cool. We also acknowledge that we both have avoidant attachment styles, so talking about feelings isn't our strong suit, and when things feel serious, we tend to fold back. Baby, I gotta ask, what are you hoping is gonna happen here? What are you hoping? Like, this is where I have to say, "I'm proud of you for being aware," but now what are we gonna do with the awareness? Like, you guys are both, there's the elephant in the room, and you're pussy-footing around it, being like, "It's okay, if we just don't hit the elephant, maybe it won't hurt us," right? That's okay, I haven't gotten to the rest. That lasted a few weeks, and now I fear I might be manipulated into a relationship.

• 12:01Sabrina Zohar?

  Here's my evidence. I'm very ambitious, and when I asked him about his goals for next year, he said getting married and started a family. I asked if he's currently dating, he said no. Okay, but that's not him manipulating you, he's telling you what he wants. I can say, "Next year, I wanna be a millionaire." Okay, well, what are you gonna do for that? I don't know, but I want to, right? Like, okay. He will not let me pay for anything when we're together. Okay. He is always the first to reach out. He remembers details about my life and asks follow-up questions. He always initiates the hangouts. He often asks me what I'm looking for in an apartment, my deal breakers, my family, planning, thoughts, etc. Basically, he's trying to figure out what I want. Recently, we were talking about having sex with friends, and he said he's never slept with a platonic female friend. I called bullshit and point-blank asked, "If I asked you to have sex, would you really say no?" And he said, and I quote, "We'd have a disagreement." ...about what changed then. I'll spare you vulgar details, but for the sake of the podcast,

• 12:44Sabrina Zohar?

  he was very much implying, yes, we'd have sex. I was so stunned that I didn't even ask follow-up questions. Honestly, I'm not sure what we're doing here. I don't know, he like, I don't think he likes me romantically. He says, he has other close female friends, but our dynamic feels different. I did boldly ask why he goes to me before, and he admitted that he was dating someone else at the time. That girl slept with him, and he was really busy with work, whereas with me, we had an emotional connection that required more time to build, and he didn't have the bandwidth then. The other girl was just easier to access physically. Thank you for the honesty. Welcome to Avoidance Are Bad People. He didn't have the capacity for the emotionality. What do you think is going to change? And I'm not saying you, anybody. We're still very flirtatious and affectionate, so part of me feels like he just wants the attention. I'm trying to trust that if he did have feelings, he'd tell me. We do emotional check-ins about once a month, but I fear he's not being fully

• 13:29Sabrina Zohar?

  honest. At this point, I don't have romantic feelings for him because I can't get past the ghosting, but I'm afraid if we keep doing this, my feelings will develop and I'll end up heartbroken. I'm anxious and really need to an objective opinion on this. What is going on here? Thank you for your thoughts. You're the best. Sophia. All right, here's the thing. I haven't the slightest why he's doing this, but I do say, why are you allowing it? Because you're also playing into this dynamic. You're asking questions, and then you're allowing it. You're still hanging out with him. You're still cuddling. You're still holding hands. You're still texting him. He likes the attention. This is a great example of like, somebody can enjoy the dynamic and do absolutely nothing to try to change it. And I think what's happening is, your brain is trying to fill in the gaps. By the evidence you gave me, to me, I just hear that it's like, he sounds like he does like you, as a person. Him saying, "I want to get married?" Cool. That's just

• 14:14Sabrina Zohar?

  him telling you what he wants. He won't let you pay for anything when you're together? All right. I mean, that might be an old-school way of doing things, and even me, I'd be like, "Hey, if we're friends, I'm gonna be paying for this." He always was the first to reach out. Okay, that's actually interesting, especially for someone I'm more avoidant, but I will say this. You know what I'm getting? The theme here? There's no vulnerability. There's no real depth. And I'm not saying you don't have it, but the relationship you guys have built, that's why he keeps coming back, because he's not getting dysregulated. He doesn't have to commit to you. He doesn't owe you anything, but he gets to have the access to you when it feels good. The minute he's triggered, that's it, he's out. And that's, again, that's the avoidant. That's a person that, like, at this point, my question is, why do you keep allowing it? What are you doing about it? Are you telling him, "Hey,

• 14:57Sabrina Zohar?

  we need boundaries here. If we're just friends, no, you don't need to pay for me. No, we're not gonna be romantic anymore. We're just gonna be platonic." And then I would say, "Are you being honest with yourself? You're saying, 'I'm scared I'm gonna fall for him and get heartbroken.'" But based on what? The fact that you can't have him? You don't know what's coming up? You, and I'm being honest, based on what? You have a good time, but where's the depth? Where's the heart? Where's the soul? Where's the vulnerability and the transparency? That's what we're building, not just, "Does he want me or not? Does he want me or not? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, so I'll keep going, keep going." Because you're getting dopamine hits. Every time you show up, maybe today something's gonna change. And then it doesn't, and then you're back in the cognitive dissonance of like, "I say I want this, but this is what I have." I don't think anyone's right or wrong here, let me just preface that.

• 15:41Sabrina Zohar?

  But what I am saying is that I don't think this is benefiting or in serving you, being in this land. You have to decide what you want, not all about him. So if he's saying, listen, he said to you before, "There was a girl that was easier physically, and that's what I have." He doesn't want the depth. That's why the minute you said something, I don't think it has to do with just the ghosting, and hear me out. Yeah, that's fucked. But I also think that your nervous system is picking up on, "But what am I gonna build with this person? This person doesn't have that emotional depth." Because the second you added that emotional depth, he bopped out. And now he's telling you, "Yeah, I want all of these things." But it's like, okay, my question to somebody, if they said, "I want all of those things," I go, "Okay, what are you doing to get them? What are you doing to get this girlfriend? What are you doing to get this partner? What are you doing to have this person in your life?

• 16:26Sabrina Zohar?

  What are you doing about it?" I've worked with thousands of people in my day as a dating coach, and the one thing I hear is that people don't actually know what they want. And that's why if he wanted to, he would, is bullshit advice. Somebody could say, "I want a relationship, I want marriage, I want kids." But they don't have the bandwidth? If they don't have the emotional depth, they can want it a fucking day. That doesn't mean they're going to be able to achieve it. And that's where we have to stop and say, "It doesn't matter what they say they want. I need to look at what they are actually doing to fucking get it, and see if that works for me." These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. I don't know why he's doing this. Because it sounds to me you both are confused. I would ask you, why are you doing this? Do you actually want a relationship with him? Maybe you are both scared of that. Maybe you both actually do want a relationship with the other person,

• 17:09Sabrina Zohar?

  but there's a trust and a safety component, then talk about it. I would ask yourself, you said you were both avoidant. Then I would start to, and thank you for being honest. Avoidant people are also anxious. She's having a lot of anxiety about this, but she just goes inward. Whereas the anxious person goes outwards. No one is right or wrong. It's two human experiences. So now I would say, what are we gonna do about it? Are you gonna have a conversation with him? Are you gonna get curious? Are you gonna challenge this? Are you going to demand for what you want? Hey, I actually do have feelings for you. I like you. And I wanna be able to move on from the ghosting thing, but I don't know if I can trust you. And now that we've been hanging out, this is why I don't trust you. I don't know what you want. I, I, I don't know what I want. Like, that's what I'm saying is, I think, because imagine if he wrote into me, I think I would say, ooh, she's scared to open up to you, but I don't really care if she's scared or not. What is she doing about those fears?

• 17:54Sabrina Zohar?

  And I say that with love. You know, I am here to fucking support you guys, but I don't want you to waste more of your time. And I would say, have a conversation with him in person, eye to eye. If he shuts down and can't handle it, then you know at this point, hey, is a friendship realistic? Because what type of friendship are you gonna have with someone where you're constantly wondering if you're gonna be intimate and romantic? And then I ask you this honestly. Are you gonna be cool with him being friends if he starts telling you about the women he's fucking? Are you gonna be okay with that? Or are you gonna start to compare yourself and judge yourself? It's okay. I get this question every single fucking day. Is it okay to be friends with your ex? Of course it's okay to be friends with your ex if that's what you want. But if you're asking me if you should, I don't get the point. You weren't friends. You were romantic. You weren't friends. Now, if you started off as friends, tried the romantic thing and realized, yikes, that didn't work for us. Great, both people agreeing on that.

• 18:38Sabrina Zohar?

  But unless you have property, children, or something other than that, then you need to be really honest about the friendship. Are you friends with this person because you're hoping more is going to happen? Or can you both actually be friends with each other authentically, saying, I care about this person and I love this person as a person, but not romantically? And then just remember, you get into a relationship with someone, doesn't mean they're gonna be cool with that. Big non-negotiable for me is you gotta be done with your ex, because I am fucking tired of hearing all this bullshit. My ex contacted me, my ex this, my ex that. It's like, no, move the fuck on, so that if I welcome you in my life, you have the capacity and the bandwidth to give me what I deserve and what you deserve. It's really important. Be honest about your capacity and what it is that you want. And be honest as to why you want it from this person. Is it genuinely because of the connection?

• 19:23Sabrina Zohar?

  Or is it because you're unsure about the connection and you know what's going on? That's okay. Whatever it is, I meet you there. But I think this is about having a tough conversation with the person, and if they still don't give you clarity, you have your answer. Then I would say, what do you, what do you want? What are you doing? It's not just about the other people. You also matter. I hope you know that.

• 19:41Sabrina Zohar?

  Alright babes, let's go. Hi Sabrina, I wanted to quickly start off by saying I have religiously been listening to you on YouTube since discovering you seven-ish months ago. Yay! Don't forget babes, if you're watching on YouTube, subscribe for more. But I do shorts, I do 10-minute shorts every week on YouTube about different topics. Like, we got you babes, go watch. Okay, this comes all the way from Perth, Western Australia. "I stumbled across you as I re-entered the dating scene seven months ago after an almost three-year conscious break, when dating someone I dated three years prior, who left me really questioning how he actually felt about me. Turns out, you're right. We dated for three months when he told me, 'It's not you, it's me, I don't think I can give you what you want.'" Of course, I lingered on what I felt was him being scared, but as I know, it was in fact him and not me. Proud of you baby. "I then decided I would in fact give online dating another crack.

• 20:24Sabrina Zohar?

  After vowing I would never gouge my own eyes out with a spoon, then I met Niall, an expat 42-year-old Irishman, been here in Oz for 12 years with no kids. From the get-go, the man has never made me question how he feels and has kept communication open and reassuring me. He works FIFO, fly-in, fly-out, two weeks on, one week off. I told him from the get-go that I'm not a big texter, he's always initiated one or two calls a week while away at work." Can I just say how fucking proud I am of you guys? I love this not-a-big-texter thing. That's right baby, and I hope everyone listening can see the other side of the coin, just because you're not a big texter doesn't mean that you're not interested in this person. Like, it's just not a correlation anymore and we gotta move on from it, so I'm fucking proud of you guys. "In the four months of us dating, he did go back to Ireland for a planned trip. Bless him, he kept the consistent communication. I've never had to question his intentions. The thing is, he came back homesick, I 100% respect this.

• 21:09Sabrina Zohar?

  He mentioned recently, after a month back in Australia, that he needed to tell me that to, and be honest that after seeing his parents and how much they've aged..." Oh god, I get that. "...and he wants to return in two years, when his current contract is up. He really likes me and doesn't want me to think I'm not good enough and that decision is, to see each other is up to me. But after a week together on those week home, asked me to be his girl. Is it a mistake to continue knowing how wonderful he has been to me, but hoping the homesickness will subside? I would of course be open if I'm in love and a committed relationship to move, but I have a 12-year-old son that I am the sole parent of, but he starts high school next year and certainly wouldn't want to uproot that, him in his very important years. I feel like if I didn't continue, I could miss something that for the first time in my life feels like a mature, healthy, respectful relationship. But am I really hoping he would stay because we've built a loving relationship?" Am I desperate for some logical advice? Give it to me. Feel free to share.

• 21:54Sabrina Zohar?

  All my love, Taryn. Oh, baby. Thank you for sharing that. I love the vulnerability. I'll be honest. None of us know what the fuck is gonna happen or where we're gonna go. I've told Ryan, when I moved to California four years ago, I was like, I'm never leaving. Fuck New York. Fuck every other state. And now me and Ryan, when I, when we first met, he said, I'll never move to LA. Here we are in LA. He said, I'll never move out of California. We're probably gonna move out of California in a couple of years. I'm not paying fucking taxes for the state anymore. I'm fucking done with it. Right? Like, there are realities of being a business owner. I would say this. I think you would be doing yourself a disservice to cut it off when he's saying, in two years, I wanna move back home. Now, I think what's important here is consistently communicating about it. Because here's the thing. You guys might. You might have a beautiful relationship and really grow. And he might say, wow, I really love this. I really love our life that we built.

• 22:39Sabrina Zohar?

  I actually don't wanna leave it. Maybe his parents move there. Or, maybe in a couple of years, he says, babe, I, I told you, I wanna leave. Then that's you being honest with yourself of like, okay, and maybe talking to your kid. Because if you have a 12-year-old, that means in a couple of years, they'll be 14. I know it's not ideal, but like, you could still move for high school. Like, they could still start over for high school, especially old enough at that age. Or, they could say, I don't wanna do that. But I think it's also being realistic about like, we don't know what's gonna happen. It would be one thing if he told you in six months, he's moving. Then I'd be like, oh, okay. Well, that's coming right around the corner. So, here we are. But he's saying two years. You guys could date and maybe not be together for two years. You guys could date and get married in two years and make a decision as a family. We don't know. And so, I think it's a really beautiful question.

• 23:24Sabrina Zohar?

  And I think that's so real for us to be really cognizant and aware of where we wanna go. But I also think, like, Ryan and I had that conversation, maybe a few months ago. Hmm, maybe a good beginning of the year. You know, the months blend into one. And I told him, I said, I wanna, I wanna move out of California. And he gave me this, I refuse, I refuse. I said, okay, well, then maybe we should have the conversation about the future that we wanna have if we're gonna be together. And that's when he was like, okay, you're right. That's fair. And then now, like LA, at first I wanted to move. He was adamant against it. And then he was the one convincing me. He was like, we need to go. We can't be in San Diego anymore. You're miserable. You don't fucking like this place. Your career is getting kind of halted. He convinced me to move and I had wanted to do that the whole time. So I completely understand, but we gotta leave space for life to happen.

• 24:08Sabrina Zohar?

  We have to leave space for the unknown to take its place. And again, I would say if it were two months, different story, but two years, baby. This episode, two years ago, if you asked me where I'd be, I don't think I would have told you where I'm at right now. Two years ago, I thought I was gonna be the next Call Her Daddy. I thought my podcast was gonna get a million plays an episode. I thought I was gonna be making millions of dollars and living in this mansion. Didn't happen. Nine months after that, I got a cease and desist and my world crumbled and I had to change the name. And then I had to deal with the repercussions of that. And now here I am going, I have to rebuild. That doesn't mean that anything's wrong or right with that. But I'm just saying that had I planned two years ago for this entire life, it wouldn't have been here. Wouldn't have happened. And so that's okay. What the point is, is that like, if you guys have a really beautiful connection, then you'll be honest about it. And if he's saying the whole time, I'm moving,

• 24:54Sabrina Zohar?

  then you can be honest with him about like, and maybe sharing with him, I don't know if I want to move. How would you feel if we got there and I said no, because you know I have a kid? Talk about it. I don't think he seems like an unreasonable person. It sounds like you guys really care about each other. And here's the one thing, there's a fallacy in dating that this person that you meet has to be in your life forever. But maybe we can reframe and say, for now. For now, I like this person. That doesn't mean it has to be forever. We're so beholden and contingent of like, it has to be. If I need to know 100% certainty, are you gonna be my partner? Are you gonna want me? Are you gonna be there before we even have the first or second date? But we have to be able to live in the uncertainty and say, for now, this feels really good. That doesn't mean it has to be forever, but for now, I'm enjoying it. And when we can reframe and shift that, we release control to the outcome and we surrender.

• 25:38Sabrina Zohar?

  That way we detach. That's a real detachment. Not the bullshit and the fake that you see online. But you're saying, I can only control myself and I can live in the present moment. I can't be back here in the past or in the future, but I can be here right now and make choices that serve my highest good and communicate. That's all you have. Control over and I'm proud of you. Let's go to a profile. Hey Sabrina, I appreciate you so stinkin' much. Applying your lessons to all my relationships, including myself. Please just give me a new name if you end up using on the pod. You got it, baby. Background, been on the apps for about six months. Gets matches, but rarely connect with someone who shares my sense of humor and values. Trying to be more specific, any advice would be appreciated. Also, thoughts on FaceTime dates prior to actual? Think it's helpful to conserve energy. Oh, baby, I am huge on FaceTime dates. I love a vibe check.

• 26:23Sabrina Zohar?

  I saved myself so much fucking time when I dated by doing that. A thousand percent. And honestly, I've had that and sometimes it's worked really well and others it hasn't. Like sometimes some people are just a little boring, but you'll be able to get a sense. Okay, first photo. It's cute, can't really see your face. You're a babe and a half and you guys will see the profile is gonna pop up. You're stunningly beautiful. I don't know if that's my favorite first photo of you getting your hair braided. And is that a beer? It's like, okay, I just, you know, I want to set you up. Instead of grab, and here's the irony. You got a beer in your hand, it seems, but then you write, instead of grabbing drinks. So you can see where I'm like. Which one do you want? Go for a beach jog with the doggos, cold plunge to aggressively break the ice. Hit Dave and Buster's. I love all of that, but here's the thing. They're putting the onus back on to you.

• 27:06Sabrina Zohar?

  Like if they choose that, cold plunge to aggressively break the ice. Okay. And then that leaves it to you to go, okay, when do you want to do that? Have you cold plunged before? Unless they do that and go, let's do it this weekend. Then I would go and say, do you want to cold plunge with a stranger and put yourself in a swimsuit? Without them knowing who you are, even though you're absolutely stunning and beautiful? Just you to get curious. I'm convinced that my lack of wisdom teeth means I'm evolution's latest product.

• 27:31Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay.

• 27:34Sabrina Zohar?

  Psych and P student, University of Florida, long-term relationship. Okey doke. All right, photo of you by the water, it's beautiful, can't see you. Elf photo, glasses and a drink that looks like an alcoholic beverage. Can't see you, so I'm confused. You say, instead of grabbing drinks, let's do this, but then you have drinks in every one of your photos. Do you agree or disagree that the dress was gold and white? Bitch, that's from like 2014. Really, are we really still using that? That's what I mean, baby, I love you, but come on. Um, then the other photo of you with your friends, still, again, can't really see you. I see that you have a dope life. Green flags I look for, banter, roasting, cape of But more specifically anti-Trump, not big on religion and want kids. Again, I understand, but it's myopic. You're saying you have to do this. What if this person says, "I might not be big on to Trump, but I do think that this person has valid concerns."

• 28:18Sabrina Zohar?

  Right? Like, I get it, but we have to say that like, then you're cutting out a lot of people. It's the same with if you're like anti-anything. It's like, it's the same with people that are like, "I only want a Trump supporter." And you're like, "Whoa, myopic." I'm not saying you don't want to align on similarities, but save that conversation for in-person. Because when people see that, they might just be like, "Too rigid, next." And I'm just saying that. Again, unless that is the non-negotiable of the fucking millennium for you. Fine, I will never argue with that. If that is like, you refuse, but then I will say, you're not really leaving space for someone to explain to you their why or what they feel or how they feel. Because then what you're saying is, "Well, my opinion's the only one that matters." You're wrong. If you don't agree with me and how I see it, then you're wrong. That's all I'm saying. Uh, not big on religion and wants kids.

• 29:01Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, then not big on religion, same thing, right? I don't share my race or my religion or my ethnicity, but it is important to me. But I don't practice it, but it's important to me. So I would definitely, if I saw that, I'd go, "Oh, maybe then, maybe I wouldn't be the right match." Whereas, Ryan doesn't give a flying fuck about what I believe and what I do. Then, that's what I'm saying is like, I think the wants kids, that I understand. That I get, right? That's valid. Then we go into the other photo of you with your girlfriends. Cute, I mean, you're stunning, you're beautiful. But I can't really, to be honest, I don't really know what you look like. And then the photo of you paddle boarding. Again, you have an epic life. You know what I see here? And I'll be honest, that as a person, I'd go, "How do I fit in?" She travels a ton. Is she ever home? Is this gonna be somebody that's always on the go? It's, you know, look at the first photo. I know you're traveling there

• 29:46Sabrina Zohar?

  because you have someone braiding your hair. As a girl that used to go to the Bahamas, I know it. And so I'd say this, I think the reason, like, you want the depth and all of these things, but I'm not getting any from your profile. I'm getting, you know, like, that the dress is gold and white. Okay, same thing, like, I'm getting shallow. All of it is shallow. My wisdom teeth, shallow. The dress is gold and white, shallow. What should we do instead of drinks? Eh, and then green flags I look for. The only one you've given me is banter. That's it. Like, and wants kids, that's it. Even the anti-Trump, not big on religions. Like, again, sure, if those are your green flags, by all means. But it doesn't matter what I see. And when I see the rigidity of like, "Must do this." For me, then I'm saying, but are you holding space for other people's lived experience?

• 30:28Sabrina Zohar?

  Again, then maybe we change instead of green flags I look for, my non-negotiables are. And maybe you can explain it hasn't doesn't put like doesn't agree with Trump because of X, Y, and Z, because maybe someone goes, I don't agree with him. I don't agree with that part, but then and then you can have a conversation about it and be like, oh, okay. You might not be a supporter, but you can hold two conflicting thoughts. I think politicians are all fucking bullshit, no matter who they are. But there are politicians, so I do have to be able to hold those two conflicting thoughts, even if I think they're fucking morons and that they're stupid and that their laws are dumb. Right? Like, that doesn't matter. So all I'm saying is I find it rigidity and a lot of photos that kind of show you, show your body being banging, that's kind of it and that you're active. But that what I see here is I don't see how a person can look at this and go,

• 31:12Sabrina Zohar?

  I can fit into this person's life. I don't because you're with your girlfriends or you're traveling a ton and that's beautiful. But maybe you can say what I'm looking for is a travel buddy, somebody that we can explore the world, somebody that does X, Y, and Z. Like, talk to me about what it is that you genuinely are looking for in a partner, not just that they have banter. Because there's a lot of people that have banter that could be emotionally unavailable. A lot of the times banter and sarcasm and all of that could be beautiful, but that doesn't mean that they're ready for a relationship. Same with like that they're not into religion and kids. It's like, okay. But I don't see that being intentional. And so that's why might you might not be getting the matches that you want is because how are you portraying yourself? And I get it. Like, I know that you're saying I rarely connect with someone who shares my sense of you humor and values, but what are they?

• 31:57Sabrina Zohar?

  What are your values that you're anti-Trump and that you want kids? But what? Go deeper. Why are you anti-Trump? Why do you want somebody that doesn't like him? I don't give a fuck what your answer is. If somebody came to me and said anti-Biden, anti-Democrat, anti-Republican, I don't give a shit. Tell me more. And then I want you to ask, is that my personality? Is my entire personality that I'm against a fucking politician? Or is there more to me than that? Show me who you fucking are and then come and tell me the matches that you're getting. And I get it. I think for me, there's nothing on this profile that would give me anything of like, wow, she's so funny and has a lot of I don't get that. I don't pick up on that from the profile. And so that's my point is like, have more flattering photos that show me your face.

• 32:41Sabrina Zohar?

  Not sunglasses, not you looking away, not you in a hat. The only one I see is that your eyes are stunningly beautiful. You are absolutely gorgeous and that's not what matters anymore. It's your insides as well. But your outside, you're stunning babe. That's not what this is about. But if you want someone that's going to match your freak with intellect, then give me some intellect. Give me something that they can respond to that has the depth. Then let's see how that turns out. It's okay baby, we're learning, right? We are learning, we're evolving, we're growing. That's why I'm saying, it doesn't really matter where you fall on the spectrum and what your beliefs are. I respect every single person's as long as you respect other people's for having them. That's what I have a problem with right now. Everything is what about me-ism. And it's like, okay, but not everything is about us, not everything pertains to us. And if we can't hold space for somebody else's experience, then we're rigid.

• 33:26Sabrina Zohar?

  And we're saying, but it's my way or the highway. Alright, well, good luck with that. Alright, you're gonna probably, especially being in Florida, you're gonna get your fair share of people that might not agree with you. That's okay. I'm not saying you have to change that. Please know, I'm never saying that. But then it's just knowing that like your pool might be smaller. Come out to California, you'll meet a lot more people that align with you or New York. Versus in, you know, in Florida where it's just a little bit more conservative. That's okay. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm just saying like, maybe we can talk about other stuff. Maybe we can align on other things and then have those conversations. Or via FaceTime, right? Of like, hey, so can we talk about like, who did you vote for? If that is a non-negotiable, I'm talking like, that has to be the end all be all, 100% talk about it. I don't think that's a wrong. But I want you to just hold space instead of cutting people off before they've even gotten on your profile.

• 34:10Sabrina Zohar?

  Unless that's a non-negotiable, then please, change it. Instead of green flags, make it a non-negotiable so that they know. But that's also part of it is like, we have to look at how we're showing up to see then what we're receiving. And that's okay baby, we're learning, we're growing, we're evolving. And I got your fucking back. So I'm really proud of you guys. Guys, thank you for sitting with me. This is so much fun. I love in the trenches. God, we blow through time together. As always, if you need anything, check out the Healthy Dating and Relationship Foundation course. It teaches you all the tools. It gives you step-by-step protocols. I give you meditations. I give you worksheets. I give you journal prompts. I give you help to figure out your non-negotiables, figure out your patterns and figure out what the fuck. You actually want in a relationship. And guys, thank you as always for everything. Don't forget to rate and review the show. And just thank you for being here with me. I'm so grateful every day to have this community and to be able to grow with you guys.

• 34:55Sabrina Zohar?

  It doesn't matter the size or the shape of it. I just know that we're in this together. So as always, I will see you guys soon and have a great afternoon, babies.

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