Matthew Hussey: "Love is not enough in intimate relationships!"

Today we’re back for ROUND 2 of all things relationships with none other than the insightful relationship coach, Matthew Hussey. Whether you’re healing a broken heart or exploring a new relationship, today’s episode is a must-listen. We’ll explore why breakups can hurt even when you know it’s for the best, what it truly means to change for someone you love, and how to identify if you’re dating a high-value person. Plus, we’re tackling the hard-hitting questions you need to ask early in a relationship to set the stage for lasting love. It's time to get real about what love is, what it isn’t, and how to know if you’re on the right path with someone. Buy his new book for yourself and a friend – Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily (No Matter What)In this episode you will learnHow to understand and process the emotional pain of a breakup, even when you acknowledge the relationship was not right. The implications of changing yourself for someone else in a relationship and whether this aligns with true love. Three key signs to identify a high-value person during the initial dates. How to manage and understand the dynamics when you feel your partner is out of your league. The essential early conversations in a relationship that, although potentially painful, can prevent major issues and align future paths. For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1605For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes on love, relationships and dating we think you’ll love:Sadia Khan – https://link.chtbl.com/1491-podMichael Todd – https://link.chtbl.com/1508-podEsther Perel – https://link.chtbl.com/1546-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Matthew Hussey?

  Leaving is like throwing a grenade in your own life. And we may have had this fear gnawing away at us that someone was wrong a long time ago. But it's hard to be the one that lights the fuse that blows up your own life.

• 0:16Matthew Hussey?

  Hello, everyone. This is Matthew Hussey from Love Life.

• 0:19Speaker 01

  International dating and confidence coach Matthew Hussey is here.

• 0:26Matthew Hussey?

  On some level, it can feel like I'm having to blow up my own life for the hope of a better life. So it's terrifying because it's like jumping off a cliff without a parachute. I don't know if a better life is coming. I don't know if I'm going to be alone forever and never find anyone again.

• 0:44Lewis Howes?

  Is love enough?

• 0:44Matthew Hussey?

  It's definitely not. Wow. And I have something I want to say on that as well because there's something very, very important that's in the book that will change the way people think about that love for yourself forever.

• 0:54Lewis Howes?

  Go ahead and share it now.

• 0:58Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back, everyone, to the School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest. It's my good friend, Matthew Hussey. He was in the house. Good to see you, brother. Good to see you. Man, I'm excited about the book that you have coming out right now called Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily No Matter What. And the thing I want to ask you first is about breakups. Because I've been through a number of breakups in my life, and they're always painful. And they're painful even though I know the person wasn't the right person for me. And I feel like there's a lot of women who stay in relationships too long, knowing, and you hear this all the time, "I was walking down the aisle knowing that this wasn't the right man for me."

• 1:44Lewis Howes?

  Or on my honeymoon, "I knew it was wrong." Or when they asked me to marry him, and I said yes, something was off inside of me, and I just knew it wasn't the right thing, but I went through with it anyways because he was a good guy, or I liked his family, or whatever it might be. And then they stay in a relationship too long and eventually get into a breakup for whatever reason. And the breakup is painful.

• 2:06Lewis Howes?

  Why is it painful when we go through a breakup, even when we know the person wasn't the right person for us?

• 2:14Matthew Hussey?

  Wow. Well, I think there's, in a sense, there's two types of breakups where someone is wrong for us. There's the kind where we don't know that they're wrong for us and we've told ourselves they are the one. And then they break up with us. Because normally, if we haven't told ourselves someone is wrong, then we're just hanging on for dear life, wanting to keep them. But if they break up with us, it's like, in a sense, there's an extra pain of we have to even get to the realization that they were wrong for us, which takes some time, because when someone breaks up with us, our ego kicks in and tells us it's because you're not good enough, it's because you're not worthy, it's because, and if you were just more, if you just did better, if you just didn't make that mistake,

• 2:57Matthew Hussey?

  if you just weren't so high maintenance in this way, you would have been able to hold on to this person. And because you're not sexy enough, cool enough, successful enough, interesting enough, whatever, we, thin enough, young enough, whatever, you couldn't hold on to this person. And it often takes us time to realize this wasn't the right person for me. Some people, by the way, who are watching this still haven't gotten it. It was years since that person broke up with them and they're still telling themselves a story that that person was the right person.

• 3:32Lewis Howes?

  That's agonizing.

• 3:34Matthew Hussey?

  Yes, because it's, you don't, you don't get to ever kind of reach the other side of the grief when you tell yourself that. You, you're in chronic grief instead of the acute grief of breakup, grieving the end of the relationship, grieving the future you thought you'd have, feeling the disappointment of it all and then moving on to create a new and better story. Instead, you're in the chronic grief of continuing to tell yourself a story that your right person is, is, they, they're still out there, they just don't want to be with you anymore.

• 4:09Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 4:09Matthew Hussey?

  Then there's what you're talking about.

• 4:10Lewis Howes?

  And they might be with someone else.

• 4:12Matthew Hussey?

  And they're with someone else. And, and so we, we experience that grief a thousand times. You experience it at the moment you realize they're with someone else. You experience it the moment they propose to that person. You realize that the, you experience it again the moment they have a child. You know, you're like, you're experiencing the grief over and over and over again.

• 4:32Matthew Hussey?

  The kind you're talking about where you know while you're in it that it's the wrong relationship. I think that the heartbreak there is the, so much of it relates to the fear and the disappointment of

• 4:48Matthew Hussey?

  oh my god, I'm, I'm back on my own again. And that fear of uprooting our life again, of changing our, well firstly, if someone has gone as far as marrying a person or you've just been

• 5:02Matthew Hussey?

  enmeshed with someone for many years, you don't even have to be married, you could, your lives could be so intertwined at this point that leaving is like throwing a grenade in your own life.

• 5:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, friends, family, maybe you live together, maybe there's, you know, all these other things that you've been intertwining.

• 5:18Matthew Hussey?

  And the, and the identity. You know, that was my identity, that relationship, that was my life, that was my life as I knew it, it was my life as my community, the people around me knew it. So I now have to sort of recreate my life and build from the ground up again, it can feel like for so many people, of course, you add marriage into it and often there's financial implications and there's, you know, sometimes there's children and it, the, the, there are so many layers of complication and the we may have, we may have had this fear gnawing away at us that someone was wrong a long time ago. But it's hard to be the one that lights the fuse that blows up your own life.

• 6:02Matthew Hussey?

  And, and it's easier when someone breaks up with us in many ways. Because at least we feel like we're on the receiving end. I didn't have a choice. But when you're having to.

• 6:16Lewis Howes?

  But I'm not good enough. If they broke up with me, then.

• 6:19Matthew Hussey?

  Then I have that to deal with, like, I don't feel good enough, but at least, at least they pulled the trigger. But to be the one, you know, it's funny, in boxing, a lot of the time, and you know this, when you spar with someone. Once you get hit and you get hit hard, it's almost easier to then retaliate. But it's hard to be the one to throw the first big punch.

• 6:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 6:44Matthew Hussey?

  It's like, you know, and when you're the one breaking up with someone, because you know they're wrong. It's hard to be like, if I just kept going with this, it would just continue for another five years. And my life.

• 6:56Lewis Howes?

  They're not gonna break up with me.

• 6:57Matthew Hussey?

  They're not gonna break up with me, so it would stay comfortable or it would stay. But if I'm breaking up with them, I'm the one who has to detonate. I'm the one who has to throw the punch. And that's the, that's the hard part is we have to, on some level, it can feel like I'm having to blow up my own life. For the hope of a better life.

• 7:17Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 7:18Matthew Hussey?

  Which hasn't materialized yet. So it's terrifying because it's like jumping off a cliff without a parachute. I don't know if a better life is coming. I don't know if I'm gonna be alone forever and never find anyone again. Is life gonna punish me for letting go of this? In the form of never serving me up another great relationship or another relationship period? You know, am I, some people is, am I too old now to find another person? Am I gonna go out there and find that I'm invisible? Has my window passed? Then you throw into it biology, you know? Am I gonna meet someone in time to have children? Because I know I really wanna have children and is that gonna, am I taking that possibility off the table for me by leaving this relationship?

• 8:00Matthew Hussey?

  There's so many layers of complication that the heartbreak is, is so complex. It's, it's fear, it's grief, it's disappointment, it's the anxiety of your dreams never coming true now as a result of leaving this relationship. It's all really, really hard.

• 8:18Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man. The quote in your book that you mentioned, you have to be willing to light the fuse that blows up your own life.

• 8:28Lewis Howes?

  And you say, if you stay where you are, you will never be happy and you will never be at peace. And I'm assuming you're speaking around if you're staying in a relationship that is not working or is not the right fit for you. If you stay where you are, you'll never be happy and you'll never be at peace.

• 8:41Matthew Hussey?

  And certainly one that's, you know, that's abusive or one that's narcissistic, one where you have believed it's going to change for so long. And there's been no evidence for the fact that the relationship is going to change.

• 8:56Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 8:57Matthew Hussey?

  You've tried everything. You've, you've brought, you know, vulnerability to it. You've brought standards to it. You've, you know, changed what you give that person. You've done so much to try to make this relationship into a great one or a peaceful one, or just one that doesn't harm you. And it never works and there's never change. There is a certain point where you have to say to yourself, how many times, I think it's a question's worth us all asking in life is, how many times does something not have to work for me to decide it's not going to work? And your answer to that question will dictate how much of your life you will,

• 9:41Matthew Hussey?

  you know, throw into a situation.

• 9:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, because you can justify, well, it wasn't that bad, or my, you know, friend's partner is worse than my partner. You compare yourself to other relationships, right? You'll do these things to justify. And you're like, well, I don't want to be so strict where they have to be perfect because I'm not perfect. But I don't want to be too flexible that I get walked on all the time. So it's like a dance of figuring out. And it's almost like if you have to say, how many more times am I going to put up with this until I get out? It's almost like when you say that, that's the time to get out. Because you're not going to change the person in front of you. They're not going to change overnight. Unless they choose to change, from my understanding. You can't force them to change.

• 10:24Matthew Hussey?

  Well, someone has to be a lot, for change to happen, a lot has to happen. You know, like, change is very, very hard. We both operate in a space that's predicated on the idea that people can change. So if we didn't start by believing that we're in trouble, you and I shouldn't have a job.

• 10:43Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 10:43Matthew Hussey?

  So we start from that foundation that you and I must both believe that people can change. Otherwise, why make a podcast?

• 10:51Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 10:53Matthew Hussey?

  But we also then have to get very sober about how hard change is. And what needs to happen in order for someone to want to change. Well, look at what has to happen for us to change, even when we want to. Every year, on January 1st, most of the world, whether they articulate it or not, make some kind of promise to themselves about something they want to do differently. They will call it a resolution, or I'm going to engrain this new habit, or I'm going to make a change this year, or someone, whether spelling it out or just on some level feels this, I want to do something different. And if only the wanting it to be different made it different, it doesn't.

• 11:35Matthew Hussey?

  There's still so much, all our work is ahead of us after that. And anyone who's ever been to therapy knows that you set foot in the door because you want something to change, right? You show up because you want something to be different. And then you get there and you realize there's an awful lot of self-awareness around what needs to change for it to be different that you need to gain. And then past that, you need the discipline to go out there and actually do the uncomfortable thing over and over and over again, until it starts to become something that starts to become more natural to you,

• 12:20Matthew Hussey?

  or at the very least, just something that you're a little bit less uncomfortable with. That's like, that's how hard it is. If I've got a habit or something that's hurting me on my life, I might be aware of it, but now I have to actually do the uncomfortable thing and do something different to what I normally do. And that takes time and effort and energy. And even then, I might only change it by five or 10%. But that five or 10%, luckily, is often enough to set us on a a different enough trajectory in our life that we can get new results. Absolutely. And that's a wonderful thing. We don't go to therapy and get a personality transplant. Right. We might get put on a 5%, 10% different trajectory, and over time, that creates a very different life.

• 13:05Matthew Hussey?

  Absolutely. So let's look at that in the context of a relationship with someone who's behaving in a way you're not happy with.

• 13:15Matthew Hussey?

  Even if they want to change, which is a big leap in the first place, do they want to change? Or are they just annoyed that you're annoyed? Are they just frustrated that you're frustrated? Because that's not the same as them wanting to change. That's just them wanting you to stop being so frustrated or on their case all the time. Right? So that's not them wanting to change. Them wanting to change is them recognizing that there's something about this in themselves that they don't like, that they want to address, or that they care about you so much that they don't, they want to bring you something different. And that's motivation enough for them to make a change. A big leap.

• 13:57Matthew Hussey?

  Then after that, they've got to learn how to change. And then they've got to have the discipline to go forward and make those changes. And even if they did all of that, which if someone's having this conversation with me, if someone's having this conversation with me, it normally means that that person's not doing any of those things. Right? Because we're still, we're still struggling so much because our partner isn't saying any of those things. But even if they were, the changes might be five to 10%. They're not going to be a personality transplant. And a lot of people who come to me in really unhappy or very toxic, painful, abusive, or narcissistic relationships are in a place where their partner would need

• 14:42Matthew Hussey?

  a personality transplant for them to be happy.

• 14:47Lewis Howes?

  And then they still may not be happy. This, I saw this video last week. I can't remember the exact name of this Instagram account. I think it's called Stories From Strangers. And this guy made a video where he had people write in stories about their life regrets. And he read an anonymous note from like this little bull. And the note said, "I regret getting a nose job for my husband or partner, who kept telling me he wanted me to change my nose."

• 15:22Matthew Hussey?

  Wow.

• 15:22Lewis Howes?

  "Getting a nose job and then two weeks later him breaking up with me."

• 15:26Matthew Hussey?

  Oh my god.

• 15:27Lewis Howes?

  "And regretting changing myself to try to make someone else happy, who was never going to be happy with me, no matter what changes I made." And I thought to myself, that is, and now having to look at myself in the mirror and be unhappy with who the person I am for those changes.

• 15:42Lewis Howes?

  So my question for you is,

• 15:45Lewis Howes?

  If someone is asking you to change in a relationship, in a committed relationship, and you change for them, is that real love?

• 15:58Lewis Howes?

  Doing it for someone else so that they can be happy?

• 16:03Lewis Howes?

  Or is it a lack of self-love in saying, "Actually, that's not something I want to do right now. And I want to accept who I am in this moment, my personality, or my habits, or my mannerisms, or whatever it is that they want to change. And I'm willing to walk away if that doesn't work for you."

• 16:22Matthew Hussey?

  That's a really difficult question.

• 16:24Lewis Howes?

  And I get context and what it is and what the requests are, I get it.

• 16:28Matthew Hussey?

  I suppose for a question-

• 16:28Lewis Howes?

  But if someone's never happy with you and they want you to change something about you. I mean, maybe it's for the good, like, maybe you're overweight a lot, and you getting in shape would actually be healthier and would make things better and you'd have more energy, or whatever it might be, I get it. But it should be your partner wanting you to make the change? Or should the person be saying, "You know what? I want to keep evolving and growing as a part of my value system in life and in our relationship, and that's why I'm going to keep growing."

• 16:58Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 16:58Lewis Howes?

  You know, is it love if you change for someone else?

• 17:02Matthew Hussey?

  It's a big question.

• 17:06Matthew Hussey?

  Look, I think firstly,

• 17:09Matthew Hussey?

  people alert us to things that we want, that we discover we want to change about ourselves all the time, right? How many of the things that we realize about ourself, we realize because of how that habit, that behavior is experienced in relation to other people? So enough people in your family tell you that there is something, a way that you are that is affecting them. And that mirror, you know, assuming they come to you in healthy ways,

• 17:52Matthew Hussey?

  or that they point things out in a loving or compassionate way, but that mirror is a wake-up call for you about a way that you are affecting people, how your behavior is-

• 18:05Matthew Hussey?

  Hurting people that, you know, we come, we, we learn about ourselves in those ways all the time in life. So to that extent, it's a, in some ways, it's a loving thing for someone around you to trust you enough or to trust the relationship enough to feel like they can

• 18:30Matthew Hussey?

  be honest with you. Give you some feedback or? Yeah, because I, when I think of the most brittle relationships or what defines a brittle relationship or one where there is, that doesn't have that foundation of safety and trust and love, I think of a relationship where people aren't honest with each other about the things they're unhappy about. Because they're too afraid that the relationship can't sustain it. I've been in relationships where I was, I was so busy trying to hold on to someone and worried that I wasn't going to be able to hold on to them. Really? That I wasn't honest about what I was unhappy with about that person. Because you didn't want to rock the boat or make yourself sad. Yeah, I was afraid that I was going to be seen as difficult or high maintenance or that it, you know, it was, it was going to be one too many things for me to ask that

• 19:14Matthew Hussey?

  person. And, you know, I didn't value myself enough in the relationship to be honest with someone about how something was affecting me. And, and so I think that it's a, it's an act of love for someone to even feel safe enough in a relationship to be able to tell us something like that, that, that they may wish to be different or that may, maybe is hurting them. I think that how we receive that and what we do about that is also

• 19:45Matthew Hussey?

  an act of love. Now, the question is, how fundamental is the thing they're asking us to change? And is it possible for us to change it? Does it, you know, does it force us to just? Shift away from who we actually are. And that gets into all sorts of interesting territory, right? Because if, let's say you're a narcissist. You're gonna have something to change constantly. And someone comes to you and says like, this pathological lying that you're doing is really affecting me. Yeah. Or the fact that you never, you gaslight me, or the fact that you never involve me in any major decisions and that you make every decision unilaterally for our lives.

• 20:27Matthew Hussey?

  Or, you know, uh, uh, the fact that you never consider me, or I really, these things need to change. You know, could that person argue, I wouldn't be loving myself if I made all these changes? You know, you could take it to that extreme and you'd say, well, that's a fine argument for the narcissist to make. Is that you're not accepting me for me. This is who I am. And I wouldn't be loving myself if I changed these things for you. That's fine, but then you don't, you no longer deserve this person's company.

• 21:02Matthew Hussey?

  You know, this person's not, this, you're not entitled to this person constantly being abused by you. Or constantly accepting that their reality is distorted by being with you. Or, you know, it's not, they don't have to put up with it. Them loving them, if your definition of loving yourself is that you get to stay all of these abusive ways. Well, their definition of loving themselves might be to get out of the way of you. So, you know, I do think that we have to, partly, we have to say, what kind of person do I need to be? In order to attract the kind of person I want to be with?

• 21:45Matthew Hussey?

  If I want to be with a very kind and generous person, well, what's the level of kindness or generosity on my part? That is necessary for me to be able to keep that company? And in some ways, it could be, I'm only thinking about this in real time, but it could be the wrong question to say, is it loving myself to be this for somebody else? It might be that.

• 22:11Matthew Hussey?

  I have to go, what kind of love do I want to attract in my life? Because me loving myself is me giving myself the gift of that kind of love.

• 22:24Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 22:25Matthew Hussey?

  But what do I need to be or represent? What behavior do I need to to model in order to attract that kind of love? That is the kind of love that if I received it would be an act of love for me to receive. Do you know what I mean? Yes. I hope I'm not getting too abstract with that, but it's like.

• 22:41Lewis Howes?

  No, it makes sense. Yeah, and I guess it transitions into another thing that we're talking about right now, which is kind of setting a standard for what you want in a relationship. And you becoming that standard as well. And you hear a lot of women talk about, you know, they've got a list of all the qualities they want in a potential partner, right? If they're a single woman. I've got this list and I know exactly what I want and I want, which essentially sounds like a high value man. They've got to be funny, they've got to be kind, they've got to have money, they've got to be healthy, all these different things. And you and I hear this a lot from women creating a list and wanting high value men. He can provide and he's generous and he's kind and he loves dogs or whatever it is.

• 23:23Lewis Howes?

  It's like this this standard of a type of a relationship they want from a man.

• 23:29Lewis Howes?

  My question for you around this set of standards and high value in a relationship. This is a two part question. What would you say are three positive signs that you're on a date with a potential high value person? And part two of this.

• 23:51Lewis Howes?

  If you feel like they are out of your league or they are more high value than you, what happens if you get in a relationship with someone that you feel like is out of your league?

• 24:04Matthew Hussey?

  Let me start with the first part.

• 24:08Lewis Howes?

  Making it easy for you, just throwing the layups.

• 24:10Matthew Hussey?

  I love doing interviews with you, man. You always have these really interesting like

• 24:18Matthew Hussey?

  questions.

• 24:18Lewis Howes?

  I feel like this is what women specifically need to hear right now, is what you're gonna say, so no pressure. But

• 24:27Matthew Hussey?

  Why is that? I'm just curious.

• 24:28Lewis Howes?

  Because I feel like

• 24:32Lewis Howes?

  what I hear, a lot of women who are single have this standard. They have a list. They have in their mentally, or they have written down in their journal or their diary, or whatever it is, they have a list and they share it with girlfriends, right? I've seen these lists. They've told me, or whatever it might be. And I'm like, well, you're not 100% of all these things, yet. Maybe you can be, maybe you're developing into that. Great, but I see you have a standard of what you want. Awesome. And I've heard you talk about this before, like make a list of everything you want, then become that list and you'll be able to be a mirror of that standard in a relationship and working on each other with each other as you grow in the relationship. No one's gonna be perfect, but you're gonna be developing yourselves over time as part of your standards.

• 25:17Lewis Howes?

  So what is what are three positive signs that you are sitting in front of a high value person?

• 25:27Lewis Howes?

  And

• 25:29Lewis Howes?

  if you are not ready for that person and you don't feel like you're qualified and you don't have the same level of values that they do, what will happen if you get into a relationship together and you're not ready for it?

• 25:41Matthew Hussey?

  So I I would say it's not for me to decide for anyone else, what is their version of a let's say a high value person. I think what everyone has to do is is get really in touch with what is actually going to make them happy. In the same way that we live, you know, in a very memetic world career wise, where Instagram will serve you up all this imagery, all these ideas around what a successful person is.

• 26:28Matthew Hussey?

  And if you're someone building a business, you have to be really clear with yourself on what a successful business is to you because it, there's going to be someone who's, you know, you follow, who's trying to build an empire. And everything they do is about empire building, but, but maybe that's wrong for you. Like, maybe what you want is enough to live the kind of life that you want to live, to be able to do work that you really enjoy and then to maintain that. And that for you, knowing when to stop is going to be crucial to your happiness. Whereas for this person, they're on a whole other

• 27:13Matthew Hussey?

  mission with what they're doing and the scale they're trying to build. You could say, who's to say the high value business is the one that's building the empire versus the one that's figured out a really great life for this Yeah. couple over here or this person and their family. I think the value part is completely and utterly subjective. How many people do you and I know who have giant businesses and miserable? And they're, you know, like, I'm in a stage right now where, not to say we have a giant business, but where we're at, it's like, oh, there's, there's something I need to figure out here because Complexities. Yeah, yeah. Too much complexity and I, I feel there's a, you know, we're on the wrong side of the,

• 27:58Matthew Hussey?

  the burnout balance equation and I need to figure that out. So like, right now, I might, someone might be looking at me going, that's a really high value operation, but I'm looking at it going, hmm, this is something off here in terms of what I define as value in this point in my life, which is peace, sustainability, the ability to keep doing it for a long time. Right. The ability to do it enjoyably every day. I don't want to be as big as possible. I, I want to, I want to do it in a way that I really enjoy. Yes. Um, and so. Dating and finding love is the same. It's we have a world that is telling us what to value and what a high value man or a high value woman looks like. And we need to get back in touch with what high value is to us.

• 28:43Matthew Hussey?

  What's what's the kind of love that is in line with my what I value? With what I care about? Because so many people, the the lists that people do have, whether they're literal lists or they're just in their mind, is that so much of what's on that list is about ego. It's not about what makes us happy. You know, ego is, does this person fit the bill for what I'm looking for?

• 29:10Lewis Howes?

  Are they gonna make me look good with my friends or family or?

• 29:13Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, there's a great, I wanna, I wanna read this because there's a great, there's a great moment in the book about this that is really, really powerful in terms of the ways that people, I think, get the lists wrong in life. Um, yeah, so have you ever seen the movie Up in the Air? Like George Clooney?

• 29:34Lewis Howes?

  Yes, yeah, the flying one, the flying one. He's constantly flying.

• 29:36Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

• 29:38Lewis Howes?

  He's on a plane like every day.

• 29:40Matthew Hussey?

  Anna Kendrick, I think it's Anna Kendrick. But there's a conversation between Anna Kendrick and a and a woman who's, I don't know, ten, fifteen years older than her, maybe even a bit more, where she's, Anna Kendrick is is basically giving off her list of what she wants.

• 30:02Lewis Howes?

  And a man.

• 30:03Matthew Hussey?

  In a man, yeah. And she's heartbroken at the time that she says this, like truly heartbroken because this guy has broken up with her and he was everything that she wanted. And she says, he really fit the bill, you know? White collar, six foot one, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy. I always imagined he'd have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a forerunner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab and a nice smile. There's nothing, there's nothing in that description about how this person makes her feel.

• 30:49Matthew Hussey?

  About actual like great values that this person has. It's a, it's like a casting call.

• 30:58Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 30:58Matthew Hussey?

  List. And it's extraordinary to me how many times people, when they're describing, when someone says to me, I'm really struggling to get over this person. I say, well, what was it about them? You would be shocked when people say what it was, how little it often has to do with how this person treated them.

• 31:20Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 31:21Matthew Hussey?

  How, no.

• 31:22Lewis Howes?

  What do they, what do they say usually? It's about more like.

• 31:24Matthew Hussey?

  He, oh, it was.

• 31:25Lewis Howes?

  How they showed up on paper?

• 31:26Matthew Hussey?

  How they, yeah, like they were this, they were like, basically they described their eligibility and this, and also it's like.

• 31:32Lewis Howes?

  Good job.

• 31:33Matthew Hussey?

  But it could also be they're funny and they're just so like, you know, I don't know, I just, you know, they could say we had such a great time together when we were together, or we had this amazing connection or, but they'll often describe how impressive the person is. And what they don't say is they were so good to me. Or they showed up so consistently in my life. Or they really saw me. Or I really felt like I could be everything, like I could be exactly myself with this person.

• 32:08Lewis Howes?

  That's big.

• 32:09Matthew Hussey?

  You know, it, it's so rarely those things that get described.

• 32:14Lewis Howes?

  About missing someone.

• 32:15Matthew Hussey?

  It's about, yeah, it's more about idolizing that person, or it's about like worshipping how great that person was. But it's not about how great that person was for them.

• 32:26Lewis Howes?

  How they made them feel.

• 32:27Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 32:28Lewis Howes?

  What I heard you say was consistently, because some people might say, well, we had an amazing times and he made me feel so good. But was it consistent? Maybe it was good every other week.

• 32:36Matthew Hussey?

  I had someone ask me recently, I had, Matt, what do you do when you have an epic connection with someone on a date? And then they ghost you afterwards? And I'm like, what do you mean? And like, you know, I get it. We can go on a date and have this incredible moment with someone. We can have an incredible time with someone, but what is that?

• 32:59Matthew Hussey?

  What value is that if it doesn't continue?

• 33:02Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 33:02Matthew Hussey?

  It's literally worthless if it doesn't continue. If what you want is a relationship and a connection doesn't turn into a relationship, then by your standards of what you value, which is a relationship, it's worthless. It means nothing. It doesn't, a relationship by definition continues.

• 33:24Lewis Howes?

  What if someone listening or watching is saying, well, that, that sounds great, but I don't wanna, that was an amazing day or weekend that I had with this person, and I don't wanna go to some boring relationship where we don't have this connection.

• 33:36Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 33:37Lewis Howes?

  So I don't wanna lose that opportunity of like finding someone who can recreate that feeling for me consistently. Is that even a vision we should be thinking about? These like explosive weekends or one night that was like magical moments? Is that real life consistently?

• 33:53Matthew Hussey?

  Well, I think you can't, firstly, you can't, you've run a marathon. I haven't.

• 34:02Lewis Howes?

  It's hard, man. It is hard.

• 34:04Matthew Hussey?

  But.

• 34:04Lewis Howes?

  Almost broke me.

• 34:05Matthew Hussey?

  When you run a marathon, did you get upset about your pace compared to when you've run a hundred meter sprint?

• 34:13Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 34:13Matthew Hussey?

  No, because they're different races.

• 34:15Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 34:16Matthew Hussey?

  Like they're completely different things. You can't compare the endurance, energy and the muscles that are necessary to run, how many, how many miles is a marathon? Twenty?

• 34:27Lewis Howes?

  Twenty six point two.

• 34:28Matthew Hussey?

  Twenty six point two? To run twenty six point two miles compared to the fast twitch muscle required to run a hundred meter sprint?

• 34:36Lewis Howes?

  That's true.

• 34:36Matthew Hussey?

  They're very different things. And a lot of the time, we compare someone that we have a healthy situation with to the peak of what you might have felt on what is the equivalent of a vacation romance.

• 34:52Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 34:53Matthew Hussey?

  Where you, the most exciting thing, the excitement was in part generated by the fact that you were leaving.

• 35:00Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 35:01Matthew Hussey?

  So how does someone replicate that situation? It's the same way when someone's awesome for three months and then they disappear and, and it, the, the, the.

• 35:13Matthew Hussey?

  Idea of the relationship is like this insect frozen in in ember. That doesn't, it always is frozen in time as the peak of that experience. Yes. Instead of what it might have been in year three or year thirty, which would have been a very different thing. So we have to be very careful about how we, I always say, don't comparison shop for chemistry. Like, you can't, you can't draw these unfair comparisons, even like, there are relationships, people, where people say to me, I just want the kind of chemistry I had in my last relationship. And then when they talk about their last relationship, what's very evident is that they never really feel like they had the person.

• 35:58Matthew Hussey?

  So they're always like, even, even in the relationship, they're always like, almost like chasing. Always feeling like I'm just trying to secure the person. They're technically, they're with them, but they're always feeling like they haven't quite made the sale. And if you feel like that, then in a way that you're, the chemistry of early dating never dies, because it's more anxious energy than it is chemistry.

• 36:20Matthew Hussey?

  It's unknown. Are we gonna be together? What's, they like me, they're not like me. Your, your brain is being hijacked by this chase all the time. And anytime you have sex with them, of course, it feels amazing because you're like, ah, just a feeling of, I have them for, for a moment and they're mine and they're, you know, I feel good right now. But then you feel anxious again because the next day they don't call you all day or they don't call you for three days or whatever. It's like, you're constantly in that tension. So try, when someone comes along and they're loving you in a healthy way, and they make you feel accepted and at home for who you are, and you could be vulnerable and they're still there the next day and they are very clear that they would like to see you this weekend.

• 37:02Matthew Hussey?

  And when you experience that and you go, ah, I just, how do I experience the chemistry that I had with that really unsafe person?

• 37:13Matthew Hussey?

  With a safe person, like it doesn't, you're asking for two, for a feeling to be reproduced.

• 37:18Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 37:19Matthew Hussey?

  In this situation where it doesn't get reproduced in that way. So this is what I mean by us. I'm not saying you can't have chemistry in, in a long-term, healthy relationship. You could have amazing chemistry. You can have amazing attraction. I don't think people should sacrifice that. But what we call chemistry, we have to be really careful of.

• 37:37Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 37:37Matthew Hussey?

  Measuring the chemistry of something that is more peaceful against something that was all about the spikes is a very dangerous thing to do.

• 37:47Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, I agree with that.

• 37:49Matthew Hussey?

  And this, yeah.

• 37:51Lewis Howes?

  To add into that, I think this is an interesting one. I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine a couple of days ago. Who was talking about how he, he struggled in relationships in the past. And he was talking about, he's trying to do things differently this time in the relationship he's in. And he said he had a State of the Union conversation night with his, with his partner. And he was like, I started asking all these painful questions that were very scary for me to ask. Because we just moved in together. It's been over a year, a year and a half now. And trying to get clear on where we're going in the future and values and vision and, you know, all these different things. And he goes, it was really painful, but it brought us closer together.

• 38:35Lewis Howes?

  And it created more intimacy and it's making me even more excited about the future.

• 38:38Matthew Hussey?

  That's great.

• 38:39Lewis Howes?

  So I'm curious for you, because I feel like a lot of people are unwilling to ask painful questions early in the relationship. Out of fear of it not working out. So I'm curious, what are the painful questions or conversations we should be having with someone early in the relationship? That may cause pain and discomfort now, but will not cause bigger problems in the future and will allow you to see if you're on the right path or not.

• 39:10Matthew Hussey?

  I, well, I think, uh, firstly, when things come up that are.

• 39:23Matthew Hussey?

  Where alarm bells go off for you or where it just, it doesn't have to mean they're doing something that's explicitly wrong, but they might be doing, there might be something that makes you go, oh, I, this is not aligned with me. And you can't skip over those moments. Don't dismiss those moments. No, be willing to open up a conversation about those things and see what happens when you open up a conversation about that thing. You know, I literally wrote an entire chapter in this book called Have Hard Conversations. Because having hard conversations is, your, your life will get better in direct proportion to the number of hard conversations you are willing to have.

• 40:04Matthew Hussey?

  And so when you see something you don't like, do you, do you talk about it? There's elegant ways to talk about it. There's compassionate ways to talk about it. There's ways to talk about it kind of with open palms where you get someone to just talk about why they did that or where that came from or what that, you know, what that is, you use it to gain an understanding of them. But what you're really doing the whole time is you're trying to assess it, that thing I didn't like just then, is it indicative of a completely different value system than me? Or actually, when I learn more about it, do I realize, oh, we have the same value system?

• 40:45Matthew Hussey?

  It just, it just comes out in a different way for you, in which case that might be a positive thing. How does having the conversation go in general? Do you learn in those, because in those moments, you learn whether you can have a hard conversation with someone? Yes. Or a challenging conversation, or an awkward conversation, or a vulnerable conversation. You learn if you can even have them. And any great relationship is capable of, is, is robust enough to be able to have difficult conversations and come out stronger. So I think even just the ability to use certain situations as a chance to have an open conversation. If someone shames you, judges you, puts you down for having the conversation, tries to

• 41:27Matthew Hussey?

  kind of makes you feel like you're treading on eggshells the next time you want to have a hard conversation. That's not fun. Then you're learning already that this relationship doesn't create space for these conversations to happen. And that's a relationship where you're going to be incredibly unhappy over time. So I think those are important moments to do it. So that's kind of a reactive version, right? But the other time to do it is in almost uh being more proactive about knowing the things that you want for yourself down the line, knowing the values that are really important to you in a relationship. And bringing those things up, like how, what's your entry point for bringing something up?

• 42:10Matthew Hussey?

  Like I, a friend of mine I wrote uh uh about in the book, her name is Tanya, she um. She had had a very, very busy career for a long time and was at a point in her life where she wanted a relationship. And she also knew she wanted a family, she wanted marriage, she wanted kids. And she got to the point where she just would be very, not upfront with people about asking, like, do you want that with me? It would, that, she would never do that, but. Do you want to have kids? Do you want to be married? Yeah. She would literally bring those things up proactively and say, you know, but she would almost start with herself. So she'd say, I'm really excited, you know, whenever they asked her a question about her love life, she'd say, I'm really, I'm in a place in my life

• 42:55Matthew Hussey?

  where I've worked hard for a long time, I've put a lot of focus into my career. I feel like I'm ready now, like I get really excited about the idea of um being married. I get excited about the idea of being a mom, that's something I really want for myself at some point. And by saying that, she wasn't saying, I want it tomorrow. But by saying that, she was very clearly putting her cards on the table about what was important to her. She wasn't trying to play cool and indifferent. And like, yeah, you know, just see what life throws at me, I don't care. Just have fun. Yeah, she's like, very clearly like, this is something I'm excited about in my life. How about you? And then you're inviting someone to the conversation.

• 43:38Matthew Hussey?

  You're doing it in a way where you're making it, it's a very positive thing. This is, you know, often we think of the things we want as our baggage. How do I bring up the fact that I want kids or that I want to get married or like, I don't want to scare them, I don't want to. We, we come at it from this place of like, it's, I'm fearful of putting my intentions on the table. But if you, what she did very well is she didn't make them her intentions for someone else, she made them her intentions for herself. She was just letting the person in on those intentions. And then she was asking what their intentions were for themselves. So in doing that, you're not making it about like, we're on, you know, date four and having this

• 44:20Matthew Hussey?

  conversation that's way ahead of where we are right now for ourselves, for each other, I mean. It was more, I'm the same way that I might on a date, talk about how I'm excited to start this business in the next few years.

• 44:36Matthew Hussey?

  Well, what's the difference between that and I'm excited to be married in the next few years, or I'm excited to have a family in the next few years? Like, what's the difference? They're all just things, they're all goals of yours, they're all things you're excited about for your life. So why attach all this baggage to the one that, you know, might one day involve someone else? It's because we, our fear of getting rejected is getting involved and saying, they're gonna make, they're gonna think that I'm putting pressure on them or whatever. But actually, if we own it as our intentions and, and we own the fact that they haven't even, they're not even at the point where we could know that we, like, you're not at the point where I know I could want that with you right now.

• 45:18Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right.

• 45:18Matthew Hussey?

  There's a hundred more little experiences we need to go through before I would ever know that you're the person that I want for that. So how could it be about you right now? This is about me. But I'm curious to know whether, you know, what it is you want in your life. Because if for you, you told me today, oh, I categorically never want to have kids.

• 45:40Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 45:40Matthew Hussey?

  And that's important to me, then, hey, that's cool, I get it, let's have a great dinner.

• 45:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and then see you later.

• 45:46Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 45:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, have a good one.

• 45:47Matthew Hussey?

  Exactly.

• 45:48Lewis Howes?

  It's so interesting you say this because Martha did a really good job of being curious with her questions with me early on and not reacting or being like, I can't believe that's what you want right now.

• 46:00Matthew Hussey?

  Being neutral about it.

• 46:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, just kind of being like curious about, oh, tell me about this and tell me about this and tell me about your past and all these things where she wasn't reactive and making me wrong or shameful for my life, right? And she wasn't like, oh, that's really scary or something like that. She was more curious and just paying attention and noticing. And there was about maybe a month and a half in of us dating, or maybe it was two months, I can't remember. We weren't officially committed yet, but we were dating and seeing, you know, having a hundred of those little moments. She said, hey, I want to ask you a question. With a pause and I was like, okay, what is this? I've already told you this before. She was like, what are your pri- She said, what are your priorities in life? I think every woman says this at some point to some guy they're dating.

• 46:46Lewis Howes?

  What are your priorities? And, um, and I got sad in that moment. I got sad because for the first time, I was like, man, I really like her. And I feel like this, we're in harmony in a lot of areas. We're in alignment in a lot of areas. But every time I've shared my priorities in previous relationships, there's always a negative reaction. There's always a pain, an anger, an upset, something. So I was like, I'm really sad because, and I said this to her. I said, I'm going to tell you the truth of my priorities, but I think this is the last conversation we might have. And I was really, I was really sad because I was like, dang it, I'm really enjoying my time with her.

• 47:30Lewis Howes?

  And I just don't know if she's willing to accept the priorities in my life right now.

• 47:37Lewis Howes?

  And she kind of got a little, she was like, what is it? She thought it was like going to be some horrible thing or something, right? So I'm like, like, listen, I'm, I'm wanting, this whole time I've known you, I've been a hundred percent honest with you about everything, even stuff that's uncomfortable for me, from my past or shameful things. And so my priority is to continue to be honest with you, but I just don't think you can handle what I'm about to tell you. And I don't think you're going to accept it.

• 48:03Lewis Howes?

  And then she eventually was like, listen, trust me, I'll be able to handle it. And I said, okay, I just, no woman has ever handled my response to this question before, but it's nice knowing you. It's been nice knowing you. And I was really sad. I was really sad before I shared it. And I said, listen, uh, my first priority in life, and this may change in the future, but this is where I'm at right now in this season of my life. My first priority is my health because I want to be healthy. I want to make sure I'm taking care of my mental health, physical, spiritual health. So I need time every day to take care of that. And that's a number one priority. If I don't take care of health, I'm not going to have good energy. I'm not going to be as happy.

• 48:47Lewis Howes?

  I'm going to be, you know, cranky and that's not the life I want to live. So that's the first priority for me. And I've told that to previous relationships and every girl I was dating got mad at me for saying health as number one as opposed to them as number one, the relationship. And she didn't react right away. So I was like, okay, priority number two, you're not gonna like this. Hold on, it gets worse. Yes. Priority number two, you're not gonna like this. It's still not gonna be you if we're in a relationship. Priority number two is my vision, is my purpose in life. What I feel, you know, I don't know the, the, the magic and the miracle of life and why we're here.

• 49:31Lewis Howes?

  I don't know the answer to, but I do know that there's some type of calling inside of me, some type of voice, some type of pull. Telling me that I need to continue to grow, continue to develop and to serve humanity in a specific way. As my purpose for this season of life. And that requires a lot of time, a lot of energy and a lot of attention. And I know if I'm not taking care of my energy with that priority. I will be frustrated, cranky, grumpy. I'll feel like something's off inside of me because I'm pulling myself away from my purpose of this season of life. And that's priority number two. It's still not you. Or if we get together, it won't be you, right?

• 50:14Lewis Howes?

  And if she didn't react right away, she's just kind of like, okay, and what else? And I said, priority number three in my, in my life right now is my, my intimate relationship. You know, if that's with you or whatever it might be, it'll be creating a healthy, loving environment. A peaceful environment in a relationship so we can thrive together in a relationship. And those are my top three priorities. And I'm just kind of waiting for her to say, okay, see you later. But she goes, I love that. You know, that's really beautiful. And I've, and I've always wanted to meet a man who valued their health, valued their purpose and valued their relationship. And I said, really? You're not like, you're not gonna run away? You're not afraid of that?

• 50:57Lewis Howes?

  She said, no. She goes, that makes sense to me. And it was in alignment with her as well. And I said, listen, the reason I'm saying this, because if I'm extremely healthy and taking care of mentally, physically, spiritually.

• 51:13Lewis Howes?

  If I'm on purpose, on a daily, consistent basis, I'm gonna be more alive, I'm gonna have more energy, and you're gonna feel like the number one priority. You will feel my love, my appreciation, my attention, my care, my thoughtfulness, my generosity, a thousandfold than if I made you the number one priority and I neglected health and I neglected purpose. That would only last so long where I could pour into you as my only priority, top priority, and then everything else is secondary. And so you will feel like number one priority if you're in alignment with me with these other two. And it was a beautiful experience because I thought the relationship was gonna be over, but instead, that's when it started.

• 51:56Lewis Howes?

  When it was like, okay, I'm able to have a challenging conversation and share these things vulnerably. The fear that you may not like what I'm about to say. And if I'm accepted with that, then it felt like it was just starting to begin with that challenging conversation. And I think a lot of us get afraid of opening up. We get afraid of talking about these things, or even like you said, like, you know, my intention is to have a family one day. It doesn't have to be with you, starting next month, which that would scare me away if someone was like, I need this by next month. We need to make this happen.

• 52:33Matthew Hussey?

  Sure.

• 52:33Lewis Howes?

  That doesn't work for me. We don't know each other.

• 52:37Lewis Howes?

  But I think having these uncomfortable conversations earlier on will create more freedom later in the future.

• 52:45Matthew Hussey?

  Do you think that with you, the more you have felt safe in your relationship, the more you felt like she really has your back? And you feel like, you know, she's sort of anticipating your needs or the things, you know, like she's really just an unbelievable teammate. Do you feel you would?

• 53:09Matthew Hussey?

  Do you feel you would give that same answer today that you gave back then? Or do you feel like back then there was almost a instinctive sort of protecting yourself from times where you didn't feel like the person you were with truly had your back? And therefore, because they didn't necessarily care about your health or your wellbeing or the things that were important to you, you had to do all of the caring about the things that were important to you? And it was almost like-

• 53:43Lewis Howes?

  Kind of like projecting it out there.

• 53:44Matthew Hussey?

  I can't trust you to have my back on these things. Because I've been through so much where it felt like I didn't, you know, if I didn't, if I didn't have my whole back on these things, I would get steamrolled.

• 53:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 53:58Matthew Hussey?

  But I'm curious if you feel like now, almost-

• 54:01Lewis Howes?

  Would I still say that?

• 54:02Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, like whether it feels as clear cut as that, or you feel-

• 54:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and again, I mean, if I'm thinking like 20 years in the future, right? Or three years in the future, two years, five, 10 years in the future. And I'm thinking about, we have kids now, you know, it's a different season of life, all these different things.

• 54:22Lewis Howes?

  I still think my top three priorities would be my health, spiritual, physical, mental, you know, my connection to my health. And that's a spiritual connection to God and all these different things. Because a lot of people say they put, you know, God is their first priority. I consider that as part of my first priority, like my connection, my spiritual connection. Because if I don't have that physical, mental, emotional connection with self, I want to be disconnected from others and I'm not going to have the energy to be present to others at the best level. So I feel like that's got to be priority number one. And I still think we all are here for a purpose. And if we are neglecting our purpose in the season of life that we have with that purpose, as purpose may change.

• 55:06Lewis Howes?

  Then we're neglecting the reason of our existence. And if we neglect that, we feel out of alignment. We don't feel like something's off inside of me. I'm not doing or using my talents and the best abilities with where I'm at. So I feel like if I wasn't putting that as a high priority, I'd be feel off inside and therefore I wouldn't be as good to other people. I wouldn't be as valuable, present, caring, or generous because I'd be frustrated with self. So that's why I think those two things would still be just as important, you know, two years, 10, 10 years from now. And then my intimate relationship would be, and again, it's not like it's less than. It doesn't get any energy or any attention. It's just like making sure this is at the forefront and then that's on the forefront and the relationship.

• 55:48Lewis Howes?

  But because one and two are at a high level, again, it feels like number three is number one. It feels like the relationship is the top priority.

• 55:58Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 55:58Lewis Howes?

  Because I'm taking care of self and that relationship with my purpose at a high level. And it doesn't mean I'm perfect every day or I'm, you know, not frustrated at times or not, or I'm impatient or whatever it might be. And that means, oh, something was off in one or two. I gotta get back in alignment with those things. So, and the fact that she loves that and she encourages me, yeah, go work out. And she, and she reminds me almost weekly. And she, she's really smart, the way she communicates with me. Cause she, she's just like, man, it's so attractive of like how you care so deeply about your purpose. She's really smart in how she communicates. She's, I love the way you just care about people so much in your mission.

• 56:41Lewis Howes?

  And, and you know, what you're creating with your team, like, because she'll see people come up to me and talk about the transformation or the experiences or like the impact that the, that we as a team have made on them. She's like, God, that's so inspiring that you have this purpose.

• 56:57Matthew Hussey?

  And you feel seen.

• 56:58Lewis Howes?

  I just feel like, yeah, I can keep going and not feel bad for working hard. And again, it, it doesn't mean I get to neglect the relationship or like give it no time. I'm still showing up fully in the relationship.

• 57:14Matthew Hussey?

  Well, that's the thing, right? The, in a sense, you, you had a hard conversation from your side. And the, the flip side of that is her looking at that and saying,

• 57:33Matthew Hussey?

  I love this man. I respect this man. I want to support him. I want to support his dreams and the things that he wants to achieve in his life. But am I getting my needs met in this situation?

• 57:49Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 57:50Matthew Hussey?

  And the hard conversation from her side, which is the part that often people fall down on. And I think what someone hearing that, what they might be afraid of in hearing all of that is they might hear a situation where they're, you know, they may have even been in a situation before with someone who just monopolized their energy, their intimacy, their love, their validation on their terms all the time in a way that worked for them. But that person felt like they lost themselves and they never got any of their needs met or their needs were always secondary.

• 58:29Lewis Howes?

  So Hundred percent.

• 58:30Matthew Hussey?

  That other side of that is her being capable, which I know Martha and I know she is.

• 58:35Lewis Howes?

  She takes care of her own needs also. But I mean, you could ask her and probably weekly or every other week at least, but almost weekly, if not daily, I say, you know, what else can I do to support you today? You know, are you, is there anything I can do to support you lately? What do you need from me? Like, I'm constantly checking in with her and asking her moments throughout days or weeks and saying, am I doing a good job for you? Like, what can I be doing better to make sure you feel more loved, seen and appreciated? I'll ask her these questions. And she'll tell me and she's, and I don't think she's ever been like, I need more of this from you. She doesn't say that. She goes, no, I feel, I feel seen, I feel loved, I feel appreciated.

• 59:18Lewis Howes?

  So it's not like I'm just neglecting her needs and never showing up for her or never creating intimate moments and times and never going on trips. I'm like always trying to create for her in the relationship as well. And I'm asking her, is there anything you, you need from me? What can I do to support you today? How can I make you feel more loved and more seen? And I ask that constantly because I want to make sure she feels like she's a top priority. So I get it if women are listening or watching thinking, okay, if I have to accept a man that he's going to be working 60 to 80 hours a week and then he's going to work out late at night with his friends. And then he's going to go do marathons on the weekends. When's he gonna have time for me? I get that. And so I think you've got to understand like,

• 1:00:01Lewis Howes?

  are they going to put you at a similar level of time, attention and value? In their priorities as well with the relationship. Not only when they're courting you, but once they're with you long term and committed.

• 1:00:14Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, and you, the same way, look, people can agree or disagree with what you've said. What you've demonstrated and what you've said is an ability to be very honest with yourself and with another person about what you need.

• 1:00:29Lewis Howes?

  And she may not want that.

• 1:00:31Matthew Hussey?

  Exactly. And this is really important for people to hear because it's not, no one needs to hear that and go,

• 1:00:40Matthew Hussey?

  that's, you know, that's what I would have to accept or that that's my dream person. Anyone, what we have to do is get really honest with ourselves. The hard, the real hard conversation is the one we have to have with ourselves. Where we say, what is it that I actually need? In order for me to be happy?

• 1:01:02Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:01:03Matthew Hussey?

  And, and I don't mean what do I need to, that's everything on my list. But what do I need at my core? What are the core needs that need to be met for me to be happy? And at a certain point, you may be dating someone who runs a business and is never around. And you may say to yourself, I love this person. But regardless of whether you love this person, you may be miserable

• 1:01:32Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:01:32Matthew Hussey?

  with this person. And you, there's a certain point in life where you have, like, I, there's a, there's a. Like if me and Audrey were on completely different schedules all the time and we never saw each other.

• 1:01:47Lewis Howes?

  Be tough.

• 1:01:47Matthew Hussey?

  I would be unhappy.

• 1:01:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:49Matthew Hussey?

  And people have to get really honest. This is why in the book I talk about four levels of importance in a relationship.

• 1:01:55Lewis Howes?

  What are those levels?

• 1:01:56Matthew Hussey?

  The first one is admiration, which is just thinking someone's great.

• 1:02:00Lewis Howes?

  You have to respect them or admire them or.

• 1:02:02Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, but by the way, you could even just have admiration for like the person who works in the same building as you because you think they're hot. Like it could be literally just like I'm admiring you from afar.

• 1:02:11Lewis Howes?

  Basic instincts. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:12Matthew Hussey?

  But it's not like, oh, you might like the qualities they have, but they don't necessarily recognize you. Or they don't necessarily like you. They may not even know you exist.

• 1:02:20Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:02:21Matthew Hussey?

  So this first level admiration is not very important. The second level is mutual attraction and that's where you and this person like each other. There's chemistry, there's connection, you know, you have a great time together. Now, this is the most dangerous phase because it's the phase where people end up like spending years and years pining over someone who they find out doesn't want a relationship at the end of it. So just having mutual attraction with someone doesn't count for a lot if someone wants different things than you.

• 1:02:54Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:02:55Matthew Hussey?

  Which is why the third level is really important. That's commitment. Commitment is, are we saying yes to each other? It's no good saying I have the most epic connection with someone and they don't even want to be with me.

• 1:03:06Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:03:06Matthew Hussey?

  What is then the epic connection is worthless in the context of a relationship. So commitment, level three. And level four is compatibility. Commitment isn't enough. You need compatibility. Do we work together?

• 1:03:20Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:03:21Matthew Hussey?

  Do we form a team that is a happy team? Do we want the same things? Do we have shared values? Do we want to live our lives in the same way? Do we look at our future and say that like, are our visions for the future compatible? They may not be exactly the same, but can they work together? Like, you know, can we navigate our differences in a positive and healthy way? Because you will have differences. You won't be compatible in every single department, but you can have compatibility in. How much grace you give to each other? Or how much compassion you give to your differences? Or how much you can laugh at your differences? You know, Audrey's constantly laughing at me for like my quirks and my eccentricities. And she's not like that, but she finds them hilarious. And she's like, that's just you.

• 1:04:06Matthew Hussey?

  It's can you can you do that with each other? That's that's that's compatibility too. You're different, but you manages the you manage the differences well. They can even be a source of pleasure and joy and and fun. Yes. And and so that's compatibility. And a lot of people get really tripped up. In order to have a meaningful, lasting relationship, you need all four of those. Right? You can't stop at mutual connection or mutual attraction, rather. Because you need a commitment, but you can't stop a commitment because you need compatibility. How many people watching this episode or listening to this episode have been in a relationship before? Where they had a commitment, but they were not compatible with this person? And they were miserable. Yeah. So so it's not enough to say I love someone. Is? Is love enough? Can you?

• 1:04:51Matthew Hussey?

  It's definitely not. It's definitely not. It's you can love you can love someone who treats you horribly. You know, it's not a. So love's not all you need. Love is absolutely not all you need. You're British, come on. No, no, the Beatles. Well, look, it might be true in life. World, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's not true in in intimate relationships. Why is love not all you need in intimate relationships? Because you can be with someone who has a completely different value system than you. And and be miserable. If this person lies to you every day. What does it matter that you keep saying you love them?

• 1:05:36Matthew Hussey?

  This person's going to make you utterly miserable. Right. Right? If someone gaslights you every day, or if someone's idea of like the way they want to spend their life is constantly traveling around the world and you really want to be. You wanna create a community where you live and be close to your family. And they just wanna live a nomadic life for the rest of their life. Then the the love isn't gonna, you're not gonna magically be happy because you love someone.

• 1:06:05Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:06:06Matthew Hussey?

  You're gonna love them and be miserable. So what's the goal here? Is the goal your peace? Is the goal your happiness? If so, you have to start taking that as seriously as you take your love for the person.

• 1:06:19Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:06:21Matthew Hussey?

  You can love a friend like that, but you can't.

• 1:06:24Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:06:25Matthew Hussey?

  You can't do it with an intimate partner because we expect too much.

• 1:06:28Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:06:29Matthew Hussey?

  From an intimate partner to be wildly incompatible with them. And to still, to to give our lives to a person that we're wildly incompatible with. Cause it's, if if it's, if loving you is at odds with me be living a life of peace and happiness.

• 1:06:44Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:06:45Matthew Hussey?

  Then, then I can't choose love.

• 1:06:49Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:06:49Matthew Hussey?

  In in this case.

• 1:06:50Lewis Howes?

  In which I've got a couple of final questions with you to follow up with that. Um, before I do, I want people to get the book Love Life. How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person and Live Happily No Matter What. Make sure you guys get this, a lot of great stories, lessons, frameworks for creating a love that you want, um, not only with someone else, but ultimately with yourself, which is the most important thing, is having that standard with yourself.

• 1:07:16Matthew Hussey?

  And I have something I wanna say on that as well.

• 1:07:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:18Matthew Hussey?

  Before we wrap up, cause there's something very, very important for, that's in the book that will change the way people think about that love for yourself forever.

• 1:07:27Lewis Howes?

  Go ahead and share now.

• 1:07:28Matthew Hussey?

  Well, the, the, we were just talking about this idea that you shouldn't be in a relationship that makes you unhappy, right? Or that you shouldn't be with someone that doesn't meet your needs, that fundamentally robs you of your peace or constantly makes you feel anxious, constantly makes you feel like you're not good enough. And there's a very big reason why you shouldn't be in a situation like that. And there's a recipe for self-love that will make sure you never are in a situation like that again. And it's not the recipe for self-love that's being prescribed out there in so many different places that I see. There's a, I, the self-love concept makes me run away. Okay.

• 1:08:13Matthew Hussey?

  Because it's so, it feels so muddied by sort of generic self-help advice. And it gets constantly conflated with self-care. And it, and it also just always feels a bit woo-woo, like I don't know how to connect to it. Yes. I'm a very rational, logical person. I need a bulletproof way to connect to a concept or I'm not going to use it. And whenever I heard anyone talking about self-love, something about it felt somehow indulgent to me. It felt egotistical. It didn't, and like egos the problem, right? Egos the problem in the first place. When I would ask audiences, why should you love yourself? Cause if I said, should you love yourself? Is it important?

• 1:08:58Matthew Hussey?

  Everyone would, yeah, of course. Everyone agreed that was like important. But when I said, well, why should you love yourself? People were really struggled with the answer to that question. And I would then, I would wait for an answer. I'd just sit there in silence with the audience. I did this at my retreat every year for years. I would just sit in silence while the audience came up with an answer to why to love yourself. And eventually someone would say, well, because we deserve it. And I'd say, okay, but why do you deserve it? Like, let's explore that. Why do you deserve self-love? Or why do you deserve love? Well, because I, uh, I'm generous.

• 1:09:41Matthew Hussey?

  Because I'm ambitious. Because I take care of my family. Because I work really hard. Because I, they would start reeling off these qualities. And I'd be like, this is a problem. Because you're not those things every minute of the day. So are you saying you don't deserve love when you're not those things? And people would suddenly realise why they hated themselves so much of the time. Because they were never living up to this thing that they thought, if I'm these things, then I'm lovable. So anytime they said a mean thing, anytime they were selfish, anytime they didn't show up for their family, anytime they didn't work hard, they would suddenly go straight to, I'm detestable, I deserve contempt. So that didn't work.

• 1:10:26Matthew Hussey?

  Not to mention, even on your days where you are those things, there's always someone who's more of them. So if someone can walk into the room and they're more hardworking, or they're more ambitious, or they're kinder, or they're more generous, do they deserve more self-love than you deserve? Right. That's a problem. So all of that model is equivalent to giving yourself love on the days where you get an A in life, but not on the days where you don't. And to me, I knew that was a way that I have beat myself up in a masochistic way my whole life. Because by my standards, I'm never living up to what I think I need to live up to in order to be deserving of love. I've never worked hard enough. As long as there's something on my to-do list still, I go to bed thinking, oh, I didn't get that done. Oh, see, couldn't get that done.

• 1:11:09Matthew Hussey?

  Like, I would wake up every morning in deficit, going, I need to earn my love today. Today, you know, like, no matter how hard I worked, it only counted up until midnight last night. And then I'd go to bed for six hours, wake up, and I'd go, right, you're in deficit again. Now you've got to earn that love again. That was how I lived my whole life. So for me, when I heard all these reasons why you should love yourself, I was like, this is, this is exactly why I've found it hard to love myself. And I believe that's the same for everyone else too. So we have to get away from that model. And I almost think of that model almost like the romantic model, the way we fall in love with other people. I love someone else because they have all these great qualities and I want to get close to them.

• 1:11:54Matthew Hussey?

  And, and the truth is, the closer we get to someone, the more their mystery evaporates, and the more familiar we get with them. And even in relationships with other people, what's the saying, familiarity breeds contempt? So the closer we get to someone, the more we start to see their flaws. And we forget about or take for granted all of the things they do really well. The more we start to feel like, ah, this person's not as great as I thought. Or we get bored of them. And over time, a lot of long term relationships end because there's contempt. Right familiarity breeds contempt. Well, if familiarity breeds contempt, who would we have more contempt for than ourselves? We have spent every second with ourselves since the day we were born.

• 1:12:39Matthew Hussey?

  If familiarity breeds contempt when it comes to ourselves, there's almost no room for anything else. So. What I realize is, oh, thi- this model, the romantic model for loving ourselves is broken. We're not going to ever fall in love with ourselves. The way that we easily fall in love with other people. We're gonna need a more robust model. And I started looking around for other places that that model existed. So one of them was the parent child relationship. Where with a parent and a child, if you ask a parent, why do you love your child? A parent doesn't say. Well, because they got an A in maths yesterday and because, you know, have you have you seen how hard they work at school? And you know, they're and they look so cute in that dress this morning and they just, you ask, why, why do you love your child?

• 1:13:24Matthew Hussey?

  A parent will go, they're my child. They're mine. Well. What if you took that model? And you use that as your model for self love? How do you use that as your model? Well. Imagine that on day one. First day of your life. You were given a human.

• 1:13:45Matthew Hussey?

  Whether by God or nature or whatever you believe, it doesn't matter. This works for all belief systems. On day one. You have a human. You're lucky enough to get a human in the first place. Right? Most of the sperm that have ever existed. Never turned into a human. So you got a human.

• 1:14:04Matthew Hussey?

  Your job, your only job in your life is to take care of that human. Yes. You don't have any other job. Like, you may take on lots of other jobs. Friendships, marriage, a career. But the one job you always have, no matter what, is you have to take care of this human. Look after them, nurture them, support them, encourage them, stand up for them. Try to give this human the best life you can.

• 1:14:35Matthew Hussey?

  When you look at life through that lens, and by the way, when you were growing up, someone else's job was to keep you alive. But what no one told you at eighteen years old, or whenever you decided to go out into the world, is, hey, from now on, you have full custody of this human. So, your job from now till the day you die is to give this human the best experience of it possible.

• 1:14:59Matthew Hussey?

  Comparison with other people through that lens makes no sense.

• 1:15:04Matthew Hussey?

  You can't exchange yourself for a different human. It's not like you get to twenty-five and someone goes, do you want to swap this human out for a different one? You don't get to do that. You just have this human. So, it's no point worrying about what you don't have.

• 1:15:19Matthew Hussey?

  Or what you feel insecure about, or the way your body is, or your face is, or how good of a brain you have compared to other people. It's all irrelevant. Your only job in this whole thing is to make the best of this human and to try to give them the best experience you can. When you think like that, anytime I'm burning myself out, I'm being horrible to myself, I'm speaking badly to myself, I'm not taking care of myself, I'm not taking care of my health, I'm not, I'm working myself to the bone. I'll have moments where I catch myself and I'm like, Matthew, you had one job. Where have you been? Imagine someone saying to you, why do you love yourself?

• 1:16:05Matthew Hussey?

  And you saying, like a parent says about their child, what are you talking about? Because I'm mine. I'm my human. I don't need to come up with qualities that make me lovable. I love myself because it's my job. It's an approach. Love isn't a, self-love isn't a feeling. We have to get out of this mindset that loving myself is a feeling I have to feel. You don't have to love yourself as a feeling. You don't even have to like yourself to love yourself. Liking yourself can come later. Loving yourself starts today with the approach you take to taking care of your human. And when you think like that, it changes everything. Cause all of a sudden, that person we're talking about that makes you miserable.

• 1:16:51Matthew Hussey?

  You stop going, but I love them. And you start saying, it's, this is a complete abdication of my responsibility to, to my human. To continue to put my human around this person. What, what am I doing? I'm sleeping on the job. If someone is treating me poorly, or if someone doesn't value me, or if someone's constantly making me second guess my worth, or if someone keeps telling me they're not ready, they're not ready, they're not ready.

• 1:17:21Matthew Hussey?

  Or they're not sure about me. Then believe them. Why am I putting my human around that person? That's not me taking care of my human. That's not me giving my human the best life I can give them. Why am I doing this to my human? So that idea that it's my job to take care of my human. It's not, I don't have to wake up this morning, morning and go, I feel so in love with me. You don't have to feel that. You have to wake up and go, what does it look like for me today? What would I do today? What decisions would I make today? If I was trying to give my human the best life I could give them? That'll change everything you do.

• 1:18:05Lewis Howes?

  It's powerful, man. Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily No Matter What. Make sure you guys get a copy right now. The book is out right now. If you're watching this or listening, then go to your website, MatthewHusky.com.

• 1:18:21Matthew Hussey?

  Actually, it's Lovelifebook.com. And the reason I'd say Love Life, people can go to Lovelifebook.com to get the book. And for anyone who, what I said just resonated with you and it got you to think about your worth and the way you treat yourself, your relationship with yourself differently, I elaborate on that in a big way in the book. This book is designed to help you with the three relationships that dictate your quality of life. The relationship you have with other people, the relationship you have with yourself, and your relationship with life itself. And it's, it's all in there. And I always say, epiphanies are great, but repetition is what actually makes the difference. And everything that I'm talking about and a lot more is in

• 1:19:05Matthew Hussey?

  that book for you to repeat over and over again. And if you go to Lovelifebook.com, you can not only get a copy of the book, but you'll get an exclusive ticket to an event that I'm doing on May the 4th called Find Your Person, which is really designed to take all of the ideas from the book and bring them to life in your year, this year, in a practical way. So I hope this can be both a co-pilot for anyone who's looking for love, but also help people to find more peace and more confidence and more happiness today. Because life is too short to defer those things to a time when you have that person in front of you.

• 1:19:49Lewis Howes?

  I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review. You over on Apple Podcasts and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for

• 1:20:31Lewis Howes?

  the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com/newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.