7 Transformative Insights on Parenting Successful, Happy, and Financially Smart Children

Today, we're diving deep into the world of parenting with an incredible lineup of experts. We've got Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and parenting whisperer, Scott Donnell, an entrepreneur passionate about teaching kids financial literacy, and Dr. Traci Baxley, an expert on conscious parenting. Get ready for a power-packed episode full of actionable strategies to raise amazing kids in today's complex world. Whether you're a parent or not, the wisdom shared here will transform how you think about child development, emotional intelligence, and creating a lasting family legacy. In this episode, you will learn:Why understanding your child's behavior is the foundation for effectively changing itHow to build resilience in kids by allowing them to experience and process difficult emotionsThe importance of separating a child's identity from their behavior when addressing challengesWhy traditional allowance systems may be hindering your child's financial growth, and what to do insteadThe concept of "heritage over inheritance" and how it shapes generational wealth transferFive core principles of conscious parenting for raising emotionally intelligent childrenStrategies for creating a "home economy" that teaches kids real-world financial skillsFor more information go to https://www.lewishowes.com/1673For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Dr. Becky Kennedy – https://link.chtbl.com/1586-podScott Donnell – https://link.chtbl.com/1626-podDr. Traci Baxley – https://link.chtbl.com/1179-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to this special masterclass. We've brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in.

• 0:18Lewis Howes?

  I don't have kids, but I feel like I had a struggling childhood. And I love my parents, but I also know that they could have done some things differently. And I think there's probably a lot of us in the world who are thinking, I love and appreciate a lot about my parents, but they might have also done some messed up things. However, how do we learn to make sure we raise good human beings without messing them up when we haven't been taught how to be good parents?

• 0:46Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  What you started with just resonates with me so strongly. And I think it really is the reason I like get out of bed every morning, right? Parenting is the most important job in the world and it is the hardest job. And it's probably the job we'll have for the longest number of years. Cause everyone knows it's more than 18 years, right? So, and someone said to me, I'll never forget, it's the only job you care about on your deathbed. Which I was like, okay, that's heavy, but I think that's, I mean, I wouldn't know yet hopefully, but I think that's true. And it's also like the only job that falls under like very difficult, very impactful, very ongoing, that we literally get no training for, right? And like if my friend was a surgeon and called me and said, I'm not doing surgery, right?

• 1:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I'm messing everything up and kind of messed up this person forever and I'm so bad. And then I started poking around and it turned out she never went to med school or never went to residency. I'm pretty sure I would say to her, hey, like this is not that you're a bad surgeon. Like that's not what this is. You weren't adequately prepared and it's probably time to invest in resources. And I just want to say too, because I think it's important that if she said, don't worry, I got my, I got, I got all my tips on Instagram. I'd say, okay, I mean, like you might, I want to do a little more in depth than that. You know, like I think you deserve a little better, you know, than that. And yet this is what parents are set up for.

• 2:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  When I've asked parents, the number one reason why they don't get the support they even think they need, the number one reason I get, the number one reason I hear, is I should be able to do this on my own.

• 2:27Lewis Howes?

  It's like a shame underneath.

• 2:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah, and there's a shame, and I think there's a really strong societal message. As a woman, I can say the maternal instinct is like a real thing that people think we should have, which really is a way of saying parenting has kind of traditionally been a woman's job. I think they're shifting around that, it's great. And it should just be something women have an instinct to do, which is a really great setup for any parent when they're struggling to say, I guess it's me. And I think when we're struggling with anything, we have two paths. And this is where I think we'll be talking about parenting, but you don't have kids. I'm sure some of your listeners don't have kids. This is in some ways about kids, in some ways 0% about kids and parenting. Like when we're struggling, we can either say, what is wrong with me and it's my fault?

• 3:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Or when we're struggling, we can say, what resources and support do I need? And they're two completely different paths. One is activating and has hope and has a likelihood of change. And one is actually spiraling into an abyss and a freeze state, right, of shame, which makes it impossible to change.

• 3:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 3:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I think parents have typically said to themselves, what's wrong with me?

• 3:34Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 3:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  This should be easier. You kind of also see on Instagram, it looks like everyone else got their kid to smile for a holiday card, and you're like, that's not what happened to my kids, you know? And you feel like it's your fault, and then you don't talk about it, and then you fake good, and then the next person's like, well, that person seems to be having a hard time. And then honestly, we feel small, you know? We don't get those resources, we don't feel empowered, and it kind of happens generation after generation, until, until, this is not supposed to be depressing, this is so hopeful. You know, what we see at Good Inside, and we hear all the time from our members, is, I came here for my kid, like, that is not why I'm here now. Like, I know... Ask for a raise. I now can stand up to my partner when they're mad at me.

• 4:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I now know that it's okay for me to go away for a weekend with my college friends, even when my partner and my kids are upset, like, have their feelings. Like, I can have empathy. And I can still do the things I need to do for myself. And that way, I feel like what we're talking about, is a lot of stuff you talk about, is actually just, I call it sturdy leadership. And what's interesting to me is, I feel like we have a lot of models for sturdy leadership in the workplace. Like, there's a lot of thoughts now. Like, you can't really just yell at people and expect them to get better at work. And I even think that's like, been modernized on the sports field. Like, the best coaches, like, kind of know you gotta connect before you correct. And what's kind of amazing and sad, and yet we're there, I think hopefully now, is,

• 4:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  like, parenting young kids is kind of the last place to modernize, where sturdy leadership kind of gets applied, and what it really looks like, and how it benefits everyone. But that's really what good insight is.

• 5:09Lewis Howes?

  You know, it's interesting, because I don't think I've ever heard that, "connect before you correct." And I just had a flashback to all the coaches that used to scream at me when I would drop a football, or miss a basketball shot, or just mess something up, or I wasn't paying attention, or whatever happened, and just screaming at me, belittling me, you know, making me feel less than in front of my peers, my teammates, and shaming me to try to get better. And I remember just feeling like, resentful and angry all the time, right? And afraid. Now, I would still work hard, but I didn't come from an emotionally good place. So I didn't want that to happen again, out of fear of shame. As opposed to someone actually sitting down and connecting with me,

• 5:53Lewis Howes?

  where I did have great coaches also, who took the time to connect with me and asked me questions, and, "Why are you so angry? Why are you reacting like this? What's going on? Why are you so frustrated? Why did you foul that person that way? Like, you know, what is going on?"

• 6:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I use sports analogies all the time. And "connect before you correct," I, there's a lot of phrases I'll take credit for. That one's not mine. I actually can find, I don't know who said it first, but it's beautiful. And it gives you an order of operations, right? Where I think about this all the time, like, my kid is hitting their brother, or my kid lied to my face about something that, you know, was important. Like, I don't know whether they studied for a test, whatever the behavior is, right? And I find out and I see them hitting and I just kind of send them to their room or I like take away their iPad or something, which I always say is like the worst thing. Because when you're a parent, it really is like, now I have to deal with taking away their iPad. I don't even want to do that. I like when they have iPad time.

• 6:41Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right.

• 6:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Nobody wins. Like, why did I do that, you know? But I think about a basketball coach and you think about a kid who is missing layups all the time. And I think about watching my kid's basketball coach, if that's my kid.

• 6:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 6:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And the coach is like, "You go to your room and you come back here when you can make a layup." And I feel like all the parents would be like, "Why would that even..." What's the theory of why that would be effective? Forget like, what is my... You think my kid is now going to their room and Googling how to make a better shot? Like, yes, you might have to pull the kid out of the game, but you probably want to say, "Hey, like, this is not your game right now. I believe in you." And like, "We're gonna get in the gym tomorrow and get to the bottom of this and figure this out." And if that was my kid's coach, I just don't know if the parents would say, "That coach is really condoning bad behavior. They're really encouraging." "That coach is making it seem like it's okay to miss layups."

• 7:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It doesn't make any sense, but we actually have a system of doing that to our kids over and over. And then we wonder why so many teens and adults feel so awful about themselves? Well, when you reflect back to a kid, that they're a bad kid during the stage they're forming their identity, that will stick with them for a while.

• 7:58Lewis Howes?

  And it's hard for them to kind of unwire that, I guess, right? And believe that they're actually good.

• 8:04Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And totally possible. Like, to me, if like, there's one thing I ever want someone to take from anything I say is, "It's never too late." It is never too late. Repair is amazing. It is never too late. The parent who's listening now is like, "Oh no, I guess I messed up my kid forever. You did not." By the way, I sometimes say bad things to my kids too. We're human. But to me, it's the starting point of, right, like, my kid is good inside. That's why, like, everything we do is called that. And to me, that idea isn't just like a phrase that sounds nice. To me, it's actually a core principle. That is very different from a punishment or fear-based approach, which is if I believe my kid is good inside, and I always find visuals helpful, so I look at one hand, I'm like, this is my kid, this is who they are, that's their identity, and they are good inside. And then I look at my other hand, very far away,

• 8:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  and say like, this is their behavior, this is what they did. And I would agree with a lot of parents telling me like, oh, they lied to your face, I would agree, like, not great behavior. They hit their sister, definitely not great behavior. But those things are different, and it's really important with your hands to keep them separate, because you could then look at one hand and say, I have a good kid who hit their sister. And the only reason we want to punish and come down so harshly on our kids is because those hands collapse. It's because I see the bad behavior, and I don't even realize it so fast in my brain, but immediately I assume I have a bad kid.

• 9:21Lewis Howes?

  That is my kid.

• 9:23Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That is my kid, it's collapsed. And to me, I mean, good inside is more things, but everything else flows from the foundation of like actually separating behavior from identity, which I think you get this, but not everyone does, so it's important to name, that doesn't mean condoning the behavior. Like, trying to understand behavior, we think means approving of behavior, but trying to understand why my kid is missing a layup, I don't think anyone thinks means that I think it's cool that my kid can't make a layup. They're different, but that separation is the foundation for everything.

• 9:59Lewis Howes?

  What would you say are the three biggest mistakes of modern parenting today?

• 10:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Is it okay, I don't, for some reason, the reason mistakes that when I think about feels very like shame-inducing, so and it feels like final, so like what are the three things that I want, like myths or things I'd shift?

• 10:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, what are the three things that you think parents could do differently today to have a better connection with their children?

• 10:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I think that would be number one. Number one is that trying to understand your kid's bad behavior is the foundation. For effectively changing their behavior.

• 10:31Lewis Howes?

  So, understanding it first.

• 10:33Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You can only change what you understand.

• 10:37Lewis Howes?

  What if you don't understand it?

• 10:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's a great thing to acknowledge.

• 10:39Lewis Howes?

  I don't understand why you're doing this.

• 10:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's exactly right.

• 10:41Lewis Howes?

  Stop doing it, right?

• 10:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And if a parent said to me, I've been like, really, I'd be like, Louis, that is so beautiful. We know exactly where to start. And this goes back to not having the skills. Like, why would you understand a kid's behavior? It's very complicated. And so, it would be like a surgeon saying, I don't understand how to do this surgery. Like, and I'd be like, yeah, of course. Well, you don't go to medical school. Like, let's get you into medical school. Like, there are places where you can do that. Like, really. So, we have to understand before we intervene.

• 11:07Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 11:08Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right? I think that's like a Prince Wolf everything.

• 11:09Lewis Howes?

  So, we might have to learn, research, ask questions, get, you know, feedback from other people. Whatever it might be, right?

• 11:15Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Hundred percent. There might be experts, it might be the right community. There's courses we can take. There's so many resources right now.

• 11:20Lewis Howes?

  Good inside, you know?

• 11:20Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  There's the book. We do a million workshops, right? Like, the reason I do workshops is because I was like, I have this private practice where I see a very limited group of people. And I was like, honestly, at the end of the day, I kind of have some version of the same, like, 10 to 15 sessions all day long. They're always about the same topics, right? Slightly different story, but same core things. I was like, I would like to democratize access to that. So, that's what my workshops are. They're just the things that would come up in private practice, but to more people. So, there's so many resources. That's number one.

• 11:48Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 11:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Number two is that our job is not to make our kid happy. That is so important and so countercultural.

• 11:57Lewis Howes?

  Why is our job not to make our kids happy?

• 12:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Because when we focus on making our kids happy, we actually start to make them fearful and less tolerant of all of the other emotions that will inevitably be part of their life into adulthood. And so, when our kid says, I'm gonna make this up, like, um...

• 12:23Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  The only one in my class who can't read. It's like the most painful moment as a parent. Oh, I feel my kid's pain, right? And maybe, let's just say it's true. They really might be. We have the urge to say, "Everyone reads at their own pace." Or, "But you're amazing at soccer. But you're so good at math." I want to make them happy.

• 12:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  All that does for my kid is, because during childhood, kids are not just learning about a situation with a parent. They're taking interactions and they're making generalizations. Not for one moment, but patterns about, what emotions are safe? What emotions can I deal with? What can I tolerate? And what emotions, as soon as I feel them, do I need to like turn off right away? And so, when a kid says, "I'm the only one who can't read." That's true, this, when our kid is adult, they probably won't say that. But they'll probably say, "I'm the only one who..." Whatever it is, "Didn't get a job yet." "I'm the only one of my friends who..." "Didn't buy their own house." Right? Whatever it is, like, we're always gonna feel that way. And so, when we make our kid happy, what we actually say to them

• 13:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  is, "I am just as scared of this emotion you're feeling as you are."

• 13:36Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 13:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And so then, what they do-

• 13:38Lewis Howes?

  I don't want to deal with this emotion.

• 13:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'm terrified. I want to run away from it. I want to do anything but this. And so, what a kid's circuit is, I feel, let's say it's this, "I feel less than." Or it could be, "I feel jealous. I feel sad. I feel disappointed." And what gets layered next to that in the circuit is my parents' fear. My parents' avoidance. Those things get put together. The irony is, when you make happiness a goal of childhood, you actually set a kid up for an adulthood of anxiety because they have a range of emotions that they've encoded as wrong and fearful. And to me, anxiety actually isn't a feeling. It's the experience of wanting to run away from a feeling. And if you-

• 14:18Lewis Howes?

  Avoiding it, yeah.

• 14:19Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It is. And you can't really run away from a feeling inside your body. That's what anxiety is. You're like, "Wait, this is not gonna win." And so, to me, the idea of, we want to help kids become resilient. Resilience over happiness. And resilience comes from being able to tolerate and sit with the widest range of emotions, not constrict ourselves to-

• 14:38Lewis Howes?

  I interviewed a brain surgeon on here who's also a neuroscientist. A PhD in neuroscience, but also had done a thousand brain surgeries. And I said, "What's the number one skill you wish every human being could learn to be better humans?" And he said, "Emotional regulation." Like, from doing a thousand brain surgeries and studying neuroscience, the mind, he was like, "Emotional regulation will support us in being healthier, happier human beings." And it goes back to what you're saying, which is learning how to navigate all of the emotions and be with them and feel uncomfortable and sad and know how to manage them, not avoid, run away, be distracted by them, right?

• 15:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's right. Because like, when I, you know, I always joke, when I was in private practice, I saw a lot of, you know, 20-year-olds, 30-year-olds, 40-year-olds, and not one of them came to my practice saying, "Dr. Becky, like, I had the best parents and, you know, those emotions other people feel, like jealous and sad and like those hard things, I got rid of them. My parents got rid of them. I've never felt them again." Like, that's never, that obviously has never happened. But what happened over and over, even though no one said it, but their stories and behavior really exemplified it, was I am now 23, I'm now 45, and I'm literally no better able to regulate frustration and disappointment and sadness than I was when I was a toddler.

• 15:58Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 15:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And, but the stakes are higher.

• 16:00Lewis Howes?

  Way higher as an adult?

• 16:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Way higher. So emotion regulation, that is the goal of childhood. I mean, that's the goal of adulthood too, by the way. It's still the goal. We're all working on it.

• 16:10Lewis Howes?

  You've been called like the millennial parenting whisperer, is that right?

• 16:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I think Time Magazine wrote that one.

• 16:16Lewis Howes?

  Time Magazine called you the millennial parenting whisperer. I've had Cesar Millan, who's the dog whisperer on, and, you know, people come in to say, "Hey, how do you fix my dog?" And he fixes humans, essentially. He teaches humans how to lead themselves better. And it sounds like parents come to you and say, "How do I fix my kid?" And you're coming to them and saying, "Well, you need to learn how to be a better leader and heal and reprogram yourself and learn how to regulate your emotions so you can manage these situations." Would that be accurate?

• 16:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That is completely accurate. And I think, you know, I'd double down on that and say, "I think when we have kids, we have this unconscious..." Wish that they're going to heal us.

• 16:54Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 16:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And they trigger us.

• 16:56Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 16:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's what happens when you have kids.

• 16:58Lewis Howes?

  So I say it again?

• 16:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  We have an unconscious wish that our kids will heal us. And in reality, our kids trigger us.

• 17:03Lewis Howes?

  Why do we think our kids will heal us?

• 17:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Because I think in general, we all have the wish that something in the external world, something we can gaze out at, will finally give us the comfort and the sense of safety and security that we've always been yearning for. And part of adulthood, I think, involves learning to gaze in, not from a place of it's my fault, but from a place of actually, like, I have the power, and it's hard, but I have the power to do that myself.

• 17:31Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 17:33Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my gosh. Okay, so.

• 17:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Want to get to the third thing?

• 17:35Lewis Howes?

  Yes, because let's get to the third thing.

• 17:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  The third thing I want parents to know, and like, to me, this is, I should have said it's the first thing. I messed up my order.

• 17:42Lewis Howes?

  It's all good.

• 17:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So I saved the best for last. Start over.

• 17:46Lewis Howes?

  But the second thing was.

• 17:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Resilience over happiness. Yes.

• 17:50Lewis Howes?

  And I want to ask you, before you get to the third thing, how do we raise resilient children?

• 17:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay, then this is, I'm excited. I'm excited. We can put the third thing out there. We'll leave everyone with a cliffhanger. What's the third thing? This one's important. That one's even more important. Okay, so I think first of all, again, and we have to understand before we intervene. So how do we build resilience? Well, what is resilience, right? And we have to really understand that. And I think that resilience really is our ability to tolerate hard things. And the word tolerate is important because we all think it's the ability to like, get through it. The getting through happens when it happens. And the truth is, the longer you can tolerate something, not something toxic, that is so not what I'm talking about, or abusive, but the longer you can tolerate something hard, the success is going to find itself and it's going to be more likely because you were able to stay in the hard place.

• 18:41Lewis Howes?

  Can you give an example of what this would be like for a parent and a child?

• 18:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Sure, I can give you two different examples, very concretely. Right, so this is something I teach to a lot of parents in one of my favorite, my frustration tolerance workshop, which is relevant for school, for everything. So let's say, and I'll say my three-year-old is doing a puzzle. Like, I can't do it. You do it for me. You do it for me. This is a good example, right? And as a parent, I get it. You got, you're like, this is like the last thing I want to do.

• 19:07Lewis Howes?

  Tired, I want to relax.

• 19:08Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I was gonna have a nice night with like, you know, my kid, I get it. But I'm really driven by impact. And so like, I actually get this like, sick joy when my kid is on the verge of a meltdown.

• 19:21Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 19:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes, especially when I've been working a lot. Because I'm like, if I'm gonna spend 20 minutes with my kid, like, I'm gonna make it count. And like, it's nice if I'm there for a pleasant 20 minutes, of course, but if I want to have impact, I like, literally can picture my impact on him.

• 19:37Lewis Howes?

  So you're like, hoping when you come home, that you're having a breakdown, a temper tantrum. Because that's when it's gonna be a big breakthrough, right?

• 19:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But in a way, I think that's a really important reframe. It's like, especially if you're a parent who travels a lot, or you're not around a lot, to be like, wait, like, I can have impact. It's not easy, it's certainly not convenient, that's the one word parents need to know. Having kids is not fun or convenient in most situations. It's not at all. And, this is like your, it's like your Super Bowl right now. I guess this is your opportunity. You know, because my kid, and how I respond to the puzzle, is not gonna remember anything about the puzzle. Their body, not from that one time, but from patterns.

• 20:15Lewis Howes?

  Their nervous system.

• 20:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Is going to be developing expectations around, what can I do when things get hard?

• 20:22Lewis Howes?

  What can I get away with, right?

• 20:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Or, yeah, and what should I expect? What is my self-talk? A parent's words become a child's self-talk.

• 20:34Lewis Howes?

  A parent's words become a child's self-talk, wow. So what your parents say to you over and over again is what you say to yourself?

• 20:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Especially when paired with an emotional situation. So when I'm frustrated, did I have someone come? And I always say, like, frustration is now like, super bright. Do I expect someone to come and turn off the light? No frustration. Or do I expect someone to come and like, by the way they're present with me, they dim, they dim the light? So it's just not so... Blinding.

• 21:03Lewis Howes?

  Not so intense.

• 21:04Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's emotion regulation.

• 21:05Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 21:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Like, that's the best it gets. There are drugs that will do that better for you, but they have, you know, that's not what we recommend for people long-term. Like, when we're talking about true emotion regulation, we're talking about a dimmer. Because it's impossible to deal with something when it's a 10 out of 10. Even 9 out of 10 is really hard. Once you have to an 8 or a 7, it's not pleasant, it's not convenient, but you, you start to be able to tolerate it. And from there, you can, you know, get maybe to a 6 or a 5. That's the goal for our kids. So I'll model this. My kid is freaking out about the puzzle. Now, to be clear, are there some times that I'd be like, I'm giving myself permission to do the puzzle because I can't deal with this? Of course, I'm a normal human. Everybody has to give that permission to themselves.

• 21:45Lewis Howes?

  So Dr. Becky, you're not a perfect parent?

• 21:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Like, zero. No, no, no. Everyone listening to what I'm saying, don't think like, I actually do this all the time.

• 21:51Lewis Howes?

  You know, every day you come home at night after a long day, and you're just like, okay, what do you need right now? And you're stressed out. Okay, I'm gonna do this puzzle with you.

• 21:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And that will eventually get to point 3. And I wouldn't wish Dr. Becky as the real parent on any kid. It's just like, you learn the most, I'm sure you too in life, you learn the most from people who struggle and repair.

• 22:07Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 22:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right? So, but here's this like moment, and there's, and I can go through an older kid example too, because it's not as obvious. But like, my kid is frustrated. My kid's gonna be frustrated for the rest of their life in higher-stakes situations. They're gonna be given something from a boss, be like, I don't know how to do this. And like, I actually don't, first of all, I definitely don't want my kid, when they're 25, to call me and be like, can you do my project for me? I definitely don't want that. I don't want them to be indignant, how could this person have? I want them to have some type of weight. I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I have a feeling I can just think this through or get a little further. So that's what I want there. That is not unrelated to the pattern of how I interact now. So I could say, here's the piece. Once in a while, I do that. Not great for long-term resilience.

• 22:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So here's what I might do, okay? And I'm gonna, my kid is starting to have a tantrum. And even he's saying, do the piece, I can't do it. I'm gonna say, sweetie, sweetie. Oh, this is, this is so hard. This is so hard. And I know, I have real kids, they, it's not like they are gonna say to me, oh, that's so helpful to hear. No, it's not gonna happen. They're gonna still freaking out. But their reaction is different than the power of my intervention. Also, two separate things. I might say this. I might say, oh, so many pieces, I don't know where it goes. Does it go here? Does it go here? Does it go here? And if my kid is like, do it for me. I really, and I've said this to my kid, I said, listen, sweetie, I'm not gonna do it for you. Here's why. I know you're capable of figuring this out.

• 23:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And the best feeling in the world is the feeling you get when you think you can't do something. And then you wait a little bit and you see that you can do a little bit more. And I'm not going to take that feeling away from you. And so I'll take a deep breath with you. We can take a break, but like, I know you can do this. Okay, and when I hear people be like, does that work? Yes, I mean, doesn't that work for adults? Imagine you having a hard time at your job and you saying to your manager, like, you do this one. If they're like, listen, I'm not because I know you're capable. And like, it's okay if it takes some time. It's okay if you take a break. I can be here to like, kind of think about where could that piece go? Ooh, is that an edge? Ooh, edge is in the middle, probably not in the puzzle. Where do, oh, you're right, edges go on the outside.

• 24:19Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Look at you, my kid experiences the win. And what their body learns is when I get frustrated, I don't look for the answer for someone to take that away from me and give me an immediate success. By the way, if we really want to get into it, if you want to know what entitlement is, entitlement is the accumulated experience of feeling frustrated and then having someone else give you immediate success.

• 24:42Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 24:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's what it is.

• 24:44Lewis Howes?

  Without you having to do it.

• 24:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I'll never forget seeing the family of 16 year olds who was like horrified. Their kid had a full on tantrum at 16 because they weren't flying first class. And they were like, every parent's nightmare. And they're like, how do we get entitled? Look at the most well meaning parents, but this was a kid, every time something didn't go his way. And I think money makes this more complicated because you can buy kind of your way out of kids frustration. You can, so it's almost hard to resist that if that's an option. But every time it was like frustration, success, frustration, a new option, frustration, I figured it out because someone else did something for me. Well, when you finally get to the point at 16, if that's your circuit and then you're frustrated because something's surprising, it's not really about first class. Your body actually is like.

• 25:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  WTF, like I literally was not built to tolerate this. And then it ends up looking awful, but really, it's really vulnerable, right?

• 25:34Lewis Howes?

  Super vulnerable.

• 25:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Super vulnerable. So I want to give you one more example of resilience. There's three lines I think every parent needs to know. And I honestly have, can almost reframe that thing. I think every person in a relationship needs to know. Whether you're in a romantic relationship, a work relationship, it's the same stuff. Because another resilience building moment, I can imagine, is kind of like what I said to you earlier. Let's say your kid's older. I'm the only, I'm the only kid who doesn't know how to read chapter books. Or I'm the only one of my friends who didn't get into honors math.

• 26:00Lewis Howes?

  So teenagers.

• 26:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah, I'll say that. I'm the only kid who didn't get into honors math. I tried out for the lacrosse team. All my kids, my friends made it.

• 26:05Lewis Howes?

  And I didn't make it, yeah.

• 26:08Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Everyone, me included, okay, my first instinct is to quote, "Make my kid feel better." "Oh, you're gonna make it next year." Or, "You made, you made varsity soccer and none of them made soccer," right? Whatever, whatever the thing is. Or we say, "You're gonna see it's not a big deal." Okay, so here's the image, a big on images.

• 26:26Lewis Howes?

  No, this is gonna matter in 20 years, or whatever your, yeah.

• 26:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  We say, right? The truth is, we kind of say it because we're uncomfortable. And we're just kind of making a kid a pawn in our game. But like, if you picture your kid on a bench, and if you picture like them kind of in a garden. That's what I like to see. That's like the parable for life, the garden. And there's a bench. And essentially, when your kid says, "I'm the only one who didn't make the lacrosse team." Let's say they're sitting on the bench of, what is it? Disappointment, or maybe it's embarrassment, or both, or feeling surprised and let down. I don't know, it's something like that. That's the bench. And as parents, we tend to have two instincts when our kid is on the bench, kind of of some type of distress. We either want to tell them that their bench isn't their bench. That's not a big deal. You know, they're like, but I'm...

• 27:10Lewis Howes?

  But that's how I feel.

• 27:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But I'm on it. Like I'm... Or we kind of see a sunnier bench, and we're like, "Just come with me." Right? But like, you're the best at, you know, at soccer. And so we're like, right?

• 27:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And both of those reduce resilience. Because resilience is kind of like your ability in that garden of life to like, whatever bench you find yourself on, you're able to sit in it. Not drown in it, but sit in it. Like, because when you're there, you inevitably will be. Like, you're not terrified of it. You're not spending all your energy like running away from a bench. Like, if you saw that, you'd be like, dude, like, what? Just a bench, you know? And so, how do we help our kid feel like essentially like it's okay to be them, no matter what bench they're on? Or it's really, it's okay to be you even when you don't make the lacrosse team? Because that's really the essence. That's the core thing that resilience is about.

• 28:00Lewis Howes?

  So how long should they sit on that bench of emotion?

• 28:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Great. So to me, these three lines will play that out. So to me, as soon as your kid says something distressing to you, because we have those two urges. We have to recognize them. We're not bad people. Just, I always say, say hi to them. Hello, urge to make it better. And here's to me is the first line every parent needs in their toolbox. I'm so glad you're talking to me about this.

• 28:21Lewis Howes?

  To the child. Say that to the child right away. When they're stressed out, when they're angry, upset, shameful, any unsettling emotion that you don't enjoy yourself, say back to them, I'm so glad you're telling me this right now.

• 28:32Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's right. I'm so glad we're talking about this. Because, and again, if we think about it in an adult context, if I was like, I'm so mad at my husband. He never, whatever, whatever it is. He never is home for bedtime. And he, he forgot the one thing I said. And if I was like, hey, like, you're never, you're never doing anything around the house. And I, I'm really frustrated if he said to me, you know what, Becky, well, you're upset, but like, I'm so glad you're telling me about this. Like, you know, relationships, I'd be like, I think we're good now. Like, I don't, I don't even know what was I upset about. Because what someone's really saying to you when they say that is this feeling in you that you're feeling is real. And I still want to be in a relationship with you when you're feeling that way.

• 29:14Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I still love and accept you.

• 29:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's right. And so, our kids need to absorb from us, from a resilience perspective. My parent can tolerate this part of me before I learn.

• 29:25Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 29:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  To tolerate this part of me.

• 29:27Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 29:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So that's line one. Line two. I believe you. I always say like if there's one line that would be probably the most healing in people's childhoods.

• 29:40Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 29:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And the most confidence building from childhood, it's that and it's so simple. Like, because when you say to someone.

• 29:47Lewis Howes?

  What if you really don't believe them though?

• 29:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Well, there's always something you should believe. So, right, because like they're like, I didn't make the lacrosse team and um, oh, and like I'm, I'm never going to be able to go to school again. Or something like, it's so embarrassing, right? I'm not saying, I guess you can never go to school again. That's not what I'm believing.

• 30:04Lewis Howes?

  I believe that's how you feel.

• 30:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's right. And you don't have to say that because underneath our kids' extreme verbalizations, we get very caught up in their words.

• 30:12Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 30:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  They represent a world. We believe the world. And so even though like, I'm never going to school again, I would say like, I believe it feels that bad. And because I do, it does. I mean, and it's like, it just, it is like, he's on that bench, like, right?

• 30:28Lewis Howes?

  Especially if someone at that age who doesn't have the skills of emotional resilience, so they're building it still and they haven't figured out how to manage those emotions. It seems horrifying.

• 30:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's right.

• 30:39Lewis Howes?

  It seems terrifying.

• 30:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's right. And if my kid says I'm the only one who didn't get a chapter book, you know, I got this picture book and everyone else is reading chapter books. It's so easy to say, oh, you can't be the only one. We actually say to our kids all the time, which terrifies me, I don't believe you. And if we wonder why people don't trust their emotions, it's because when they felt emotions that were strong, they received not one time, over and over, a message of, I know your feelings better than you know your feelings.

• 31:09Lewis Howes?

  Or just suck it up, or it's not that big a deal, or just kind of undermining their emotions.

• 31:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's right. And so when I think about, I believe you, I do like, I have a daughter, I have three kids, I have a daughter and like, I don't know why, I always picture like she's at some like college party and some like, kind of uncomfortable situation, let's just say.

• 31:26Lewis Howes?

  How old is she now?

• 31:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  How old is she now? She's nine, but let's just say she's now, she's 20 and someone's like. I don't know, come back with me unless she wants to, great. But let's say she doesn't.

• 31:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 31:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know, in those situations, be like, it's not a big deal, you know? Do I want her self-talk to be, I do have a history of other people knowing what I'm feeling better than I know what I'm feeling? Or do I want her to be like, like, I know I don't want to go home, I like, I want to cry. I believe myself. And I, this person is telling me I want something else, but like, how could this person know? Because I know what I'm feeling. And those things are completely related. And so that's the second line.

• 32:08Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 32:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And then the third line is equally simple, is just tell me more. Tell me more. Oh, and then, oh, so they posted the list on the pin, but wait, so everyone was, oh my goodness, everyone was there. And let's say I knew my son had a crush and someone, oh, that person, oh, that person was there too, and you were like so excited, you were gonna like be on the lacrosse team and that person saw.

• 32:29Lewis Howes?

  Saw that you failed and.

• 32:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Exactly, so I'm just like fleshing out the story. And now at all these moments that my kid was in pain, which by the way, part of the pain is probably that they were alone, kind of infusing myself in every moment, I'm adding connection, I'm adding believing. And here's the thing about the bench, in my experience, when you kind of go through this, your kid gets off the bench before you do, every time.

• 32:49Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 32:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And then you're like, oh, I guess where are they going next? And when they need you.

• 32:53Lewis Howes?

  But come back.

• 32:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah, or you find them on that next bench.

• 32:56Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 33:02Speaker 02

  If you want to have an incredible legacy, you should spend half as much money on your children and twice as much time. See, there's, there is no, their, kids do not know the difference between quality time and quantity time. There's no difference. It's not up to you to decide. That doing Legos with your five-year-old could be a core memory for the rest of their life, and you had no idea.

• 33:27Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 33:28Speaker 02

  With children, it's just time clocked.

• 33:30Lewis Howes?

  But how do you, Scott, you know, managing all these businesses and have all this, you're traveling constantly, you've got coaching tons of people, you're, you know? You're always on the go, how do you find the time, quality or quantity, to invest in your family and your kids?

• 33:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, so it starts with our structure, okay? So I've put people around me in my life who agree first. It starts with inner circle. So we have a structure in our world where the five closest families around us and our children have the same values. Of investing in our families together.

• 34:03Lewis Howes?

  Your friend families.

• 34:04Speaker 02

  Our closest families. We are on the same mission and all of the values I just walked you through.

• 34:10Lewis Howes?

  And that could be together as all the families, or it could be like on the weekends, we do this as anyone's welcome to come over.

• 34:16Speaker 02

  We're together on weekends.

• 34:17Lewis Howes?

  Spending family time.

• 34:18Speaker 02

  Travel, like we, this is our inner circle because this is done in community. If you're on an island, it's very difficult. So parenting, I believe, should be done in community. This is why we do coaching with families all the time at dinner table. So you have to unpack this with other families. You have to have families that align with your values. See, here's the teenager hack. You ready? You need coaches and trusted other adults in your teenager's life that can reinforce the things you care about most. You have to have that.

• 34:50Lewis Howes?

  They may not always listen to you.

• 34:51Speaker 02

  They won't after a while. Like there's a chunk of time.

• 34:54Lewis Howes?

  But if there's five other, you know, coaches or teachers or mentors that say the same thing.

• 34:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:01Lewis Howes?

  They might resonate with them and say, okay, maybe dad was right all along.

• 35:03Speaker 02

  You probably have a hundred thousand teenagers that have listened to you that go to their parents and go, you guys, I just learned this awesome thing from Lewis.

• 35:12Lewis Howes?

  They're like, I've been saying this my whole life.

• 35:13Speaker 02

  That's right. But you want to say that to your kids.

• 35:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:16Speaker 02

  You want your kids coming to you with like revealed knowledge that you've been trying to teach them for 10 years. It doesn't matter who gave them the light bulb.

• 35:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 35:23Speaker 02

  You celebrate it.

• 35:24Lewis Howes?

  It's a thankless job, I guess, right?

• 35:26Speaker 02

  That's it.

• 35:27Lewis Howes?

  You teach it, but someone else gets the credit.

• 35:29Speaker 02

  So it starts with your inner circle. Like we are clear on that piece. And then it goes into structure. And so with structure, my wife and I, every year, we block out stuff first for our family.

• 35:41Lewis Howes?

  Like the whole calendar year?

• 35:42Speaker 02

  The whole year. Trips, dates, family stuff, like what we're doing with our kids, big event, like that goes first. Then we can fill in work and other things after. You have to do that. Every Sunday night, we're like going over the week. We're just blocking out date night. We're blocking out when the kids' events are.

• 36:02Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:02Speaker 02

  Work fills in that gap, right? Like that is the best way to focus your time and effort.

• 36:08Lewis Howes?

  So schedule family stuff first, then fill in the gaps with work or other things.

• 36:12Speaker 02

  That's exactly right.

• 36:13Lewis Howes?

  Structure, inner circle. Is there another element to this?

• 36:17Speaker 02

  I mean, going through our six strategies.

• 36:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah. Pay to a point was five.

• 36:21Speaker 02

  That's right. Yep. And then, but the last part of pay to point is like, how do you do first phone? What do you pay for, like, how do I do car? How do I do college? Are we doing college? Do we care about college? Is it indoctrination station or is it good? Like, what about the 25, 35-year-old, "I love you" versus coasting? What do we want to die with? What is our number that we're okay with? How much do we want to give? Like, these are questions that nobody asks their children or themselves. And what our thing is, like, we need to be open about these conversations. We have to have a roadmap. Because if you don't have a roadmap for this, you're reactive. See, there's all these other parenting, and you've had other amazing parent people here.

• 37:04Speaker 02

  But there's about 1,000 different parenting strategies out there. Free-range, gentle, like, whatever, helicopter, laissez-faire. There's a million of them. I look at it with one lens. You're either parenting proactively or you're parenting reactively. Most parents are just trying to get through it. Get them fed, keep them safe, get them to bed, get them to school. They're being reactive when all these things come up. And that's what causes a lot of these problems. If you can just be a little bit proactive, these are little nudges. Nothing I've told you today is hard, crazy. These are little nudges in the right direction and then just unpack them with someone and take your first step. See, that's proactive parenting. That's all that matters.

• 37:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and you don't have to have it all figured out in a weekend or something. This is going to take time to develop.

• 37:50Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 37:51Lewis Howes?

  Navigate and adjust over time.

• 37:53Speaker 02

  Long-term communities.

• 37:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. So the sixth step for, sixth strategy for legacy, what's the sixth one?

• 37:59Speaker 02

  Inner circle.

• 38:00Lewis Howes?

  That's inner circle.

• 38:01Speaker 02

  And dinner views.

• 38:02Lewis Howes?

  Dinner views.

• 38:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, interview dinners. We, it's part of that hack. What we love to do is, our entire upstairs in our home is wide open for guests and friends and family and board members and investors and those people we love. That thing is full, two thirds of the year. Our kids have a constant cycle of like, great people in our lives that come to dinner. And our kids research them and find questions and ask them questions. Interesting. Tell me about this. Okay, you married at this, how'd you guys get married? How'd you do that business? Tell us about your biggest mistake. What's your biggest fear? How old are your kids? Like, our little kids ask good questions. So it's kind of like, you know, lunch and learn of a business, but for your family. But for your family. For dinner.

• 38:46Speaker 02

  And they learn, they learn from other fam, other people so much more. I'm sure, yeah. A lot of families take for granted the kids and the parents, but when you bring other people that are reinforcing things, it just sticks. You could probably do this, if you took one minute to think, what were the five most pivotal moments or conversations of my life? I know my five. Those are with mentors and trusted people and events that happened that completely took my life in a different direction. Yes. That had that not happened, I would not be anywhere close to who I am today. Right, right. That's the power of doing this with your kids. How many, how many, I guess, dinner views do you have? Three a month. Three a month. That's a good, that's a good starting point. Yeah, yeah. But just like, be intentional about this stuff, man.

• 39:32Speaker 02

  So here's another thing about inner circles. There's a study that came out, and I'm going to butcher the sources, but I think it was Stanford a few years back, they did a study on obesity and network. Oh, tell me. Okay, they found, huge study. If you have close friends in your inner circle that are obese, you're 45% more likely to gain weight in the next year. Oh, man. See, and I'm looking at this from a different lens, right? Like, this relates to families and children, so if that's 45%, but then they took it a rung out. If you don't directly know the person, but it's a friend of an inner circle friend, you're 20% more likely to gain weight in the next year. And if it's a third rung, friend to friend to friend, you're 10% more likely. Wow.

• 40:15Speaker 02

  And I go, that's the best analogy of inner circle and network that I've ever seen. It's probably the same thing around money. How is your inner circle related to how much money you make or can make? Your view of money, your generosity, your investing mindset, your delayed gratification thinking, your up-leveling. I've up-leveled, I'm not like, just like, throwing away friends, but I'm saying I've up-leveled my networks 20 times in my life already. Wow. And because I want to be around the people that have like stepped in my shoes. And they're like in one domain of their life where I want to head as the North Star.

• 40:56Speaker 02

  And I think that the trick here that a lot of people don't realize is mentors become friends. As you grow in what they teach you.

• 41:03Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, as you learn and get to a level.

• 41:05Speaker 02

  They're your, they're your peers.

• 41:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 41:08Speaker 02

  And what a lot of people don't realize is that. And so some of my best friends in the world were mentors to start.

• 41:12Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 41:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, we have a lot of older friends that I just, we love them and their families. And now I mentor their children.

• 41:18Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 41:19Speaker 02

  It's like a slingshot, right? I have a bunch of young guys in their twenties come over to our house every month around the campfire till midnight. And we just train, coach. They're asking, and all their parents are like dear friends of ours. That's the best way to do it.

• 41:35Lewis Howes?

  Oh, that's cool.

• 41:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:36Lewis Howes?

  Campfire, how many times do you do a campfire?

• 41:38Speaker 02

  Once a month.

• 41:39Lewis Howes?

  That's pretty cool.

• 41:39Speaker 02

  Bring them over. We do campfires and smores all the time.

• 41:41Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 41:42Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, we're always playing in the backyard and the pool and doing campfires. We have like the gas fires.

• 41:46Lewis Howes?

  That's amazing.

• 41:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, man.

• 41:48Lewis Howes?

  Wow, okay, so the six strategies for legacy, value creation setup. Home economy, the three Es. Heritage over inheritance, building your family DNA, relationship breakthroughs.

• 42:02Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 42:04Lewis Howes?

  Paid to a point strategy.

• 42:05Speaker 02

  Can I say one more thing on those relationships?

• 42:06Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 42:08Speaker 02

  We teach the 10 love, the love languages in the 10 states, but we also talk about forgiveness. Cause now, cause I know the thread of this talk is trauma and money trauma and how we think about this, right? Money trauma is a massive issue. It's the only trauma that we wake up and work for, for the rest of our life.

• 42:26Lewis Howes?

  What do you mean?

• 42:28Speaker 02

  So when you're a silver spoon kid where things are paid for, okay? You, you know that you didn't earn things growing up. You're not fully prepared and then you get there and you're like, I can't do this to my kids. Hard knocks, tough love, make it work on your own. Because you usually screw up somewhere and then it's like, you know, hard, good men, strong times, strong men, weak times, weak times, like bad, weak men, bad times, and then that goes the cycle. This is what happens in families, every generation. You come from like, everything was provided for, I never had to struggle and grow, to like, you're like, oh no, and then your kids struggle. You either screw it up and your kids go back to nothing, or the other way, where you start from nothing, and then you grow up and you're like, I can't do this to my kids.

• 43:12Speaker 02

  I gotta pay for everything and give them everything. So we teeter totter. Every generation just teeter totters back and forth and it causes immense money traumas. And then the problem there is you're waking up every day and working for that trauma. With all the other types of trauma, you're like, how do I not think about this? How do I heal from this? How do I let this go? Right? You're trying to like, get therapy and help at best and like, move through to forgiveness and like, this one, you gotta then wake up the next day and figure out, how am I paying the bills?

• 43:43Lewis Howes?

  Wow. So how does someone start to heal from these money wounds or money traumas then?

• 43:48Speaker 02

  Well, I think that the main thing we gotta understand is, we're told to forgive. Like, the Bible tells us to forgive. The Bible does, I don't think the Bible teaches us how to forgive.

• 43:59Lewis Howes?

  It just says, do it.

• 44:00Speaker 02

  It just says, do it, and do it a lot. Because like, to the degree, the degree you forgive others, you're gonna be forgiven. I believe in that, but I don't think it teaches us actually how to let things go.

• 44:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:11Speaker 02

  So, we, we got a lot of really good training when we went through some really tough stuff. And it was through some of the top, I won't say all the names, there's like six of them. But they are trauma, forgiveness, let go therapists. And what you do is you basically go through a system, where you can call forth in your mind what happened. Call the person forward that it was, or the situation, and declare what happened. Okay, and you're in a safe setting in your mind. Then you can actually move and feel that. And then there's a moment in every trauma or painful thing in our life where you can find what I call, the gift.

• 44:48Speaker 02

  Doesn't justify what happened.

• 44:49Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 44:50Speaker 02

  It doesn't make it okay. What you do is you say, because of that difficult thing, I am now this kind of a person. And I'm so thankful for how I love my kids better. I love my new partner better. I'm better in business from this. I care about my health better. That's the gift. And now you can sit in that gift and feel that and swell that overwhelmingly.

• 45:11Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 45:11Speaker 02

  And when you sit there long enough, it starts to spill over to forgiveness. Where you can actually say, I forgive you in love.

• 45:20Lewis Howes?

  What are the strategies that these 100 high net worth families have? The three things they all have in common.

• 45:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:27Lewis Howes?

  That keep them in peace with the money they're making.

• 45:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:31Lewis Howes?

  And have good relationships with their family and their kids.

• 45:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:36Lewis Howes?

  To make sure that money doesn't ruin their lives.

• 45:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, that's the first thing. They have a correct view of what money actually is.

• 45:44Lewis Howes?

  What is money?

• 45:45Speaker 02

  But let me back up for two seconds because I'm not just studying the richest families in the world. Half of our families were the richest or were on track to become, well, extremely wealthy, who gave, who were generous, who stewarded it well. For their family's investment. So, one of the main things I want everyone to hear is like, one of the biggest things I learned with the best families in the world is that they believed in heritage over inheritance.

• 46:14Lewis Howes?

  What's the difference?

• 46:16Speaker 02

  Well, inheritance is just leaving them stuff. Leaving them money. This is what the whole financial world is trying to get you to think.

• 46:22Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 46:23Speaker 02

  Your job is to die with assets to take care of them. That's what you should define as love. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. 90% of generational wealth transfer, gone by the grandkids.

• 46:35Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 46:36Speaker 02

  Gone. What people don't study, because I'm a 7 million families, this is my world. I wanted to know what was underneath that. Okay, what happens if you just pass on a bunch of money and assets and homes and stuff? Because you love your kids and you want to take care of your grandkids.

• 46:50Lewis Howes?

  What happens if you pass on money to kids or grandkids that don't understand money?

• 46:55Speaker 02

  That's right. If they don't understand it, you get a whole host of nightmares. Mental health? Imposter syndrome. I didn't earn this. I know I didn't earn this. Lottery ticket. Why does everyone that wins lotteries go crazy? And go broke? They end up giving it all or in bad investments. They don't know how to manage it. They don't know how to create value in the world. They don't have the right relationship to it. And then there's mental health, violence, addiction, estrangement of kids. So many breaks in relationships, divorce, destruction, rampant. Because of money. Because of the money and the stuff. Or at worst, they're just waiting for their parents to go.

• 47:38Speaker 02

  Like, how many people, like, it's very hard for people to admit this, but even if you're doing well, and then you're dealing with assets of an older family member, you're just for the last 10 to 15 years of their life, you're thinking about it a lot. You're consumed by it. What, like, when they're gonna go so you can get their stuff? Yeah, so then they stop risking. Because they know eventually they're gonna get this. You stop creating value. You don't take that chance. You don't build that new thing. You don't start that company. Like, I'm gonna wait for the pay. I got a big, I'm in this boat in a way right now. I've got a big payout coming at the end of the year. Really? From an exit of a company three years ago, like, the last 5% is hidden at the end of the year, and it's a guaranteed, you know? Big check. And I'm looking at it like, and I'm teaching this and learning this from these families,

• 48:23Speaker 02

  and I'm unpacking and realizing that every, at least once a week, I'm like, yeah, but that's coming. Right, so I may not have to work as hard, or I don't have to add value here. I don't have to take that chance. I don't have to create that value. I don't have to dive into learning this thing. I'll do that after this. That'll give me all the freedom and peace to do it. Give me cushion. The same entitlement mentality. Wow. So inheritance has a lot of inherent problems. But if you focus on heritage, which to me is a last name that means something, the values of the family. It's the mindsets, the skillsets, what we care about as a family. Right? When somebody hears the house name Yes. in the world, what is, what's the smell? What does it remind them of? It's the feeling.

• 49:08Speaker 02

  That's it. What's the essence? Yeah, the Danish have a term called hygge. It's the feeling you get when you walk in someone's house. That's the smell of their family, the scent. Hugey, to me, is heritage. So I believe families need to work on heritage instead of inheritance. If you get heritage right and you're training them up the right way, then really the inheritance is less of an issue. You can still leave some.

• 49:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 49:33Speaker 02

  I'm not like, tough love, let them scrape. Like, I'm not that guy.

• 49:36Lewis Howes?

  Give them zero.

• 49:37Speaker 02

  I'm not that guy, but there's a process for this, right? There's a difference between an "I love you" gift and a coasting gift.

• 49:45Lewis Howes?

  What's the difference?

• 49:47Speaker 02

  The moment it kills their desire to create more value in the world, you've moved from "I love you" to coasting. And the bigger problem is that when you have multiple children, one of them might be a high earner. Like, if my parents died and left me tons and tons of cash, at this point, I am financially competent of six businesses, millions of customers, thousands of employees. I know what to do to steward it well, and it's not gonna ruin my identity.

• 50:13Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 50:14Speaker 02

  My, I'm not gonna say who, but other family members, cousins, other people, if they got the same amount of money, would crush them.

• 50:23Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 50:25Speaker 02

  They, they, yeah. They all want it.

• 50:27Lewis Howes?

  What happens to someone psychologically?

• 50:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:30Lewis Howes?

  When they are given a large sum of money that they have not earned?

• 50:34Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:34Lewis Howes?

  And it's too large for them to really steward in a healthy way? What happens psychologically to a human being when you win a lottery that's too big for you to understand and comprehend?

• 50:46Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 50:46Lewis Howes?

  Too much money, or you're passed down an inheritance that is too big?

• 50:50Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, it's, it's like a, it's like a participation trophy on steroids.

• 50:55Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 50:56Speaker 02

  So, this is why, if you're not prepared for the blessing, for the reward.

• 51:01Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 51:02Speaker 02

  You know, there's this verse in the Bible, okay? I don't wanna get too Jesus on you. But there's a verse in the Bible that says, "God's not gonna give you more than you can handle."

• 51:12Speaker 02

  I actually believe that that's not pain and trials. I think that that has to do with blessing and reward. See, what I think is God actually helps us through the hard stuff. Like, the hard and the trials of life, I call them healthy struggles. Okay, our book, Value Creation Kid, The Healthy Struggles Your Children Need to Succeed. That's the point. When you go through healthy struggles, right? Things that grow you, you're refined. You learn how to create value. You learn humility and empathy and strength and inner confidence. Yes. Not, "Hey Louis, you're pretty, you're smart, you're nice." No, no. Inner confidence. What does our friend Alex say?

• 51:56Speaker 02

  He's like, "You don't get confident by chanting incantations in the mirror, but by having like an undeniable stack of like accomplishments to get there." Evidence and proof. Things you've overcome. So I actually think that that has to do with, like, God's not gonna give you more blessing than you can handle. More stuff, more opportunity. Because I think if people get there without the journey, without the value creation journey, ruins them. Like, this is how you actually lose faith. This is how you think you can do it all your own. This is where you get imposter syndrome. This is where you get like fear, anxiety, or greed misplaced, right? This is, this, all the bad stuff happens here.

• 52:41Speaker 02

  Entitlement, all that stuff. But if you've gone through that journey, you're refined, you're prepared. So how do we prepare for the blessings of more money then? I think it starts with training up our children. This is my world, man. Like, true value creation for our kids is the game. So we have this thing called the home economy system. We could unpack how I got here if you want me to, but I think allowance is socialism. Okay. I know that comment right there is gonna get you thousands of pissed off people. But, can I unpack that for a minute? Please, what's the... And even chores. Like, if you just do allowance for chores, it doesn't work. And let me, let me explain.

• 53:21Speaker 02

  Why is allowance for chores, or automatic allowance every week, a bad thing for kids? If you, because allowance is codependency, and it's tied, in our studies, to a lack of motivation and an aversion to work. If you teach children that they get the same amount of money every week just for existing, or for doing the bare minimum. Or putting in the time and effort, you got a problem. Interesting. You're gonna raise entitled. It's not creating value. That's right. What is money? Let's get into this. What is money? Money is not good. It's not bad. That's what, that's what people think. Money is amazing. You should focus on it. Well, that's a keeping up with the Joneses identity trauma waiting to happen. If they say it's bad, that's a poverty mindset. The Bible does not say that money is bad.

• 54:06Speaker 02

  It says the love of money. The idol of money. Money is neither good or bad. Money is a tool that makes you more of what you already are. It is a store of value. A store of value. What does that mean? It's a, it's a store of value that's created. So when we teach kids and families at our dinner table program, we literally say, create value first. So you're one of the number one strategy of the top 100 families in the world. Yes. Okay. It's teach your kids to create value first, not money. Because money is a store of value. You have to go back to first principles. If you focus on value creation, material value, what you create and produce in the world, solving problems, financial reward is the reward of that. Emotional value?

• 54:52Speaker 02

  Good friendships. How you think, how you feel. Spiritual value? How you love? How you live? Mindset lifting, me lifting you up above your issues to a higher calling, to God, getting out of your ego and like, that's spiritual value. Yes. So if we can teach our children, hey, we're gonna be value hunters in this home. That is the number one greatest asset you could ever give them. It's an unfair advantage for the rest of their life. Wow. And what you don't do is you focus on the money side. So you don't talk about the money. The money comes as a result of value creation. So back to the allowance. Allowance teaches them nothing about creating value for money. And then what parents do is they say, well, my kids do a list of chores and I give them an allowance. Okay, so now there's. And that's value because they're helping out around the house.

• 55:38Speaker 02

  So they're contributing, right? But the problem there is that half those chores you should never tie to money. Those are, those should, you should never pay your kids to make their bed and clean their room. Do the dishes and trash, homework.

• 55:49Lewis Howes?

  That should be just a way of living.

• 55:51Speaker 02

  That's the role in the family.

• 55:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, this is what we do.

• 55:53Speaker 02

  It's, we call those expectations.

• 55:55Lewis Howes?

  Yes, standards.

• 55:56Speaker 02

  Yep. So that's why chores doesn't work at the first part. The other half of those chores should be a menu of ways to earn. And it should be unlimited.

• 56:05Lewis Howes?

  Ah.

• 56:06Speaker 02

  Okay, and then, so we call those gigs.

• 56:08Lewis Howes?

  So this could be a list on the fridge or wherever that's like, here's a hundred gigs.

• 56:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, or make it up.

• 56:13Lewis Howes?

  Or make up the gig.

• 56:14Speaker 02

  Go find ways to create value around our.

• 56:16Lewis Howes?

  I'll tell you how much that's worth for me.

• 56:17Speaker 02

  And that is the winner for every single family. The moment your kid starts hunting for ways to create value at home or in the neighborhood, we call those community gigs. Now they're going out and having a lens to see the world, not what I can get, but how I can create value for others. That is the true hack for all financial competency.

• 56:34Lewis Howes?

  What are the three most valuable gigs that you have at your home? That your kid, that you ever gave your kids or they gave to you and you said, "Yeah, I'm willing to pay more for that."

• 56:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, we're at a point now, they have about a dozen gigs that are on the list. And we, our, our system, the dinner table program. You literally get a printout for the fridge. It's auto repeating. You can pay your kids every week. It's a payday. But remember, we have expectations, we have gigs, but we have.

• 57:01Lewis Howes?

  Expectations are separate.

• 57:02Speaker 02

  That's free.

• 57:02Lewis Howes?

  You don't get, you don't get paid.

• 57:03Speaker 02

  That's table stakes.

• 57:04Lewis Howes?

  You don't get paid for showing up and living a standard of excellence.

• 57:08Speaker 02

  That's right. But the gigs, we, we break them up. So there's action gigs and there's brain gigs.

• 57:14Lewis Howes?

  What's the action gig?

• 57:15Speaker 02

  Action gigs are kind of what you might think of some chores, like sweep the garage, wash a window, something in the yard, clean a bathroom, make a meal. Brain gigs are my favorite part.

• 57:26Lewis Howes?

  Read a book and give them your report on it.

• 57:27Speaker 02

  Yep. Podcasts, TED Talks. This one right here, kids, parents should be like offering up $4 if their kids tell you, tell their parents three things they learned from this and one thing they're going to apply to their life.

• 57:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 57:40Speaker 02

  We call those brain gigs. No sugar for a week. I am statements every single day for a month.

• 57:46Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 57:46Speaker 02

  These shouldn't be tied to value because it's creating value with your brain. You and I, our whole life is creating value with our brain. Way more than our hands and feet.

• 57:54Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 57:55Speaker 02

  Why are we not teaching that to children?

• 57:56Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 57:57Speaker 02

  Homework is an expectation. But there should be a ton of brain gigs. So my three favorite, I'll give you my three favorite and we automate these in our app, okay? Subscription hunt. What if you had your kids- Save me money. What if your kids go cancel all the subscriptions that you forgot you were paying for? And they hunt and find them and you're giving them a cut. Yeah. What a brilliant brain gig. Uh huh. Couponing. The average family in our system, the kids and the teenagers, starting as young as six years old, are saving them 26% on groceries. Wow. By learning to find the four ways we teach them to get coupons. And they get a cut of their savings. They get a savings cut. Um, it's all automated. And then plan the next family trip.

• 58:39Speaker 02

  What if your kids, what if your 10-year-old planned the entire, my seven-year-old's doing it right now. What if they got three flights? Three hotels. Uh huh. Or VRBO, or Turo, Uber, rental car, and got the best deal? Where are we gonna eat? What are we gonna do? They will save you a grand.

• 58:57Speaker 02

  I guarantee you they will save you a grand and they will love that trip. They will own that trip and remember it for the rest of their life. And then free you up so much time. Interesting. Yeah, see, our whole system, our job was, how do we teach financial competencies and money? Without the trauma and with a deeper relationship as an end result with the family. Right. Because what I just explained to you has no more conflict over chores.

• 59:24Speaker 02

  Kids never ask for money and stuff again. Cause they know, if I want money, I gotta do one of these things. I know where to go. I have power. It's unlimited. It's unlimited. See, and now here's the trick. The third E, we have expectations, extra pay, and then expenses. This is where every parent goes wrong. They think that the way to buy love, no, they don't even realize it's buying love, but it is. Buying gifts and giving them stuff. They pay for everything. Yeah. They think it's their way to love their kids. So they buy everything that we have a list, or like, if you start passing off expenses, now you give your kids a motive, an intrinsic motivation to earn and create value for gigs. No more conflict. So these are like toys, starts with toys and games and trinkets.

• 1:00:09Speaker 02

  And if they, any sport they do, have them pay for something like the basketball or the cleats. Have them be in charge of- They have skin in the game. Skin in the game. Social outings with friends. Uh huh. My favorite one, birthday presents for your kids' parties that they go to. My seven-year-old Reagan, a couple of weeks ago, she was the only kid that went to the ninja gym party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's the only kid at the party that bought the present. Cause we told her, it's on her list on the fridge. She knew ahead of time. We didn't have to tell her. She knew. She had to make the 12 bucks after save and invest and share. She knew she had to get this present, so she planned ahead. She grabs the present, she puts it in the little bin with tissue and signs, Reagan. She's seven, dude. We go to the party, every other kid just chucks it on the table.

• 1:00:53Speaker 02

  Their parents buy them. Anyone listening with kids, we've done this, everyone does this. The kids do not learn generosity with any of that. They didn't even open the presents at the party. Wow. But halfway through the party, Reagan walks up to me, unprovoked, with the birthday boy, our friend Dawson. And she's like, can we open my, can he open my present now? I wanna see his face. Like, sure. So they sit down in the ninja gym and he opens her present and is on cloud nine. Big hug. Wow. She's beaming, ear to ear. All the other parents, they're like, what just happened? I'm like, Reagan's learning generosity. She's gonna be that 25-year-old that's like taking care of her friends, hospitable, service-oriented, and they carry.

• 1:01:37Speaker 02

  That's generosity. You gotta earn it first. Here's the whole point. Unless you earn as a kid. Okay, this is why schools fail this. You can't, homework money, we were talking about this before. Unless you earn it by creating value first. You'll never be able to learn how to save or invest or spend or share. Hmm. But parents give their kids 10 bucks to go put it to the giving thing, church or whatever. Yeah. They don't learn it that way. Kids give them an allowance and say, here, here's your debit card, whatever. Chase for kids are great. Like, that doesn't work. They're just spending your money.

• 1:02:10Lewis Howes?

  It's not their money.

• 1:02:11Speaker 02

  They won't learn delayed gratification to save and invest if you're just giving them stuff. So this is why we start with value creation first. And then the home economy system, like, once you implement this. And a lot of people try this, they know what I'm saying, they all agree. But they have to do whiteboards and checklists and Google spreadsheets and stuff that they erase and go grab a bunch of roll of quarters and ones from the, and they do it for a month and then they quit.

• 1:02:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's too much, it's too tired.

• 1:02:37Speaker 02

  Right, so our system, like Dinner Table and our app, trains the parents on how to have this automated, auto-repeating gigs, print out every week for the fridge, one-click payments, like, it's all set to teach the kids. So that's why we built it, is like, how do we make this super, super easy for families to do?

• 1:02:55Lewis Howes?

  That's great, man.

• 1:03:01Lewis Howes?

  And how do we raise healthy, conscious, happy, thriving humans without over-parenting?

• 1:03:08Speaker 03

  I think modeling what that looks like as an adult is really important. I think allowing them space for mistakes and grace for mistakes is important. I also think one of the most important things that we can do for our kids is to listen. And not always feel like because we have more years, because we have maybe more knowledge, that it's always right. And I think we don't give children enough

• 1:03:39Speaker 03

  credit for what they know and how they see the world. I mean, they really have natural curiosities that they really should explore. When we shut those things down, you know, we shut off opportunities, experiences,

• 1:03:52Speaker 03

  and ways of showing up for others. And so I think being very active in listening to our kids, who are very different, right? So you need more, if you have more than one kid, there's different ways that you have to show up and being willing to do that.

• 1:04:06Lewis Howes?

  What would you say are then like the five core rules of parenting today in our society? If you're like, here are the five principles you should learn as a parent, right now?

• 1:04:19Speaker 03

  I would say self-reflection.

• 1:04:20Lewis Howes?

  Self-reflection.

• 1:04:21Speaker 03

  Is number one.

• 1:04:22Lewis Howes?

  What does that look like?

• 1:04:24Speaker 03

  It means to think about how you're showing up.

• 1:04:29Speaker 03

  Think about your fears, right, your own anxieties, how they're showing up in your parenting. How I can do things differently. Where do I start? What's the one thing that I can do today?

• 1:04:42Speaker 03

  How do I begin to separate my own childhood from my parenting? So I think, and it's a constant, right? The way I showed up yesterday for my kids is not the way I want to show up tomorrow, right? So what do I need to tweak? What do I need to do? I know when I was writing the book, when my kids, my kids were home, right? Everybody was home during the pandemic. And they would come to me asking questions and I would be in the middle of a thought and I would.

• 1:05:08Lewis Howes?

  We focused.

• 1:05:09Speaker 03

  Stop it, stop it. And so with that, I'm like, okay, this is not the way I want to show up for my kids every day. And so we devise a system, right? I'm gonna put a whiteboard here. You write your question down and the minute I take a break, I'm coming to you with that question so we can answer it. So you don't forget, so you don't think you're not, what you're saying is not important. So finding ways to reflect on the way you show up.

• 1:05:31Lewis Howes?

  Creating boundaries for yourself also.

• 1:05:32Speaker 03

  Yes, absolutely.

• 1:05:33Lewis Howes?

  Not being available for your kids 24/7 to interrupt you whenever you're doing something important for you.

• 1:05:39Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 1:05:40Lewis Howes?

  But also setting ground rules and boundaries is what it sounds like.

• 1:05:43Speaker 03

  And kids need that and they want it and they thrive in it.

• 1:05:45Lewis Howes?

  Structure.

• 1:05:46Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 1:05:47Lewis Howes?

  And, okay, so self-reflection.

• 1:05:48Speaker 03

  Okay, self-reflection. The other thing I would say is modeling the, modeling what you want your kids to do and who you want them to be.

• 1:05:58Lewis Howes?

  By you being it.

• 1:05:59Speaker 03

  By you being it, yes, right? We can say all kinds of things, but it's in one ear, out the other if you're doing something different. So our actions, you know, how you show up, how are you showing compassion, how are you showing kindness? How are you problem solving? You know, how are you leaning into your own curiosities, you know, and what that looks like for your kids?

• 1:06:18Lewis Howes?

  Right, so being a leader.

• 1:06:20Speaker 03

  Yes, yes, exactly, yes. And admitting when things are not going well, letting your kids see you do that too.

• 1:06:28Speaker 03

  So the third thing I would say is showing compassion and kindness to yourself, right? That's the hardest thing for me.

• 1:06:37Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:06:37Speaker 03

  I have a hard time, I have a lot of negative self-talk when things don't go well for myself and I have to. I call it the mean girl inside, right? I have to shut her down. And sometimes, especially with my daughter, I want my, I wanted my daughter to hear how I shut that mean voice down.

• 1:06:56Lewis Howes?

  How do you, what are the, what are the things your mean girl says and how do you shut her down?

• 1:07:00Speaker 03

  You're stupid, that's not good enough. You're a terrible mom if I make a mistake, right? Or you shouldn't wear that, nobody wants to see you in that if you're on stage. You know, different things like that, I have to, you know, you weren't kind to your kids, what kind of mom are you? A lot of that, or if I, I'm an empath, so I like take on all the work that I do. So when I need to take a break, she will say, how do you get to take a break when people are hurting?

• 1:07:26Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 1:07:27Speaker 03

  So, yeah, so I would talk that.

• 1:07:33Speaker 03

  So I have to talk that out loud. So if my kids are having that mean thing going on too, they get to hear how I do that in my head, but out loud, so that they can start doing it.

• 1:07:43Lewis Howes?

  What do you say to?

• 1:07:44Speaker 03

  So I'll say, okay, self, I hear you saying that I'm not a good mom, right? I know that's not true, right? I didn't make a good choice, but I know I'm a good mom. So I am going to do something or say something that's going to remind you self that that's just one, one, one time, one mistake.

• 1:08:03Lewis Howes?

  One moment, it doesn't define you.

• 1:08:05Speaker 03

  Exactly, yes. And so having those conversations out loud, or having my kids hear me think through a problem, is really important. And then also allowing them to problem solve, because it's faster, it's easier. You love your kids, you want to do these things for them. But I do,

• 1:08:25Speaker 03

  I, I try to show up in a way that I'm not doing it for them. Like allowing them to suffer through and work through, like we were talking about early, the messy stuff, in order for them to learn how to do it when there's bigger, higher stakes.

• 1:08:37Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:08:38Speaker 03

  Involved.

• 1:08:38Lewis Howes?

  That's cool, okay.

• 1:08:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:08:40Lewis Howes?

  So show compassion to self and others, and then number four?

• 1:08:44Speaker 03

  Number four would be, be open to getting help.

• 1:08:47Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yes.

• 1:08:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, so we can't do it all by ourselves. We're not experts in everything. Surround yourself around a village of people who can help advocate for you and can help you fill in the gaps where you need it.

• 1:09:02Speaker 03

  It's very hard, I think, as parents, because we don't like to say we can't, we don't know as a parent. Right? That's, that's hard. Um, but I think surrounding yourself around people who can support you is really important. And again, it teaches your kids to do the same, that you need, we, we need each other, right? We need to ask for help.

• 1:09:20Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 1:09:21Speaker 03

  There's some things we need to do on our own, but there's some things that we need help with. And it's okay to find the right people and to get the help you need.

• 1:09:29Lewis Howes?

  And I think we pressure ourselves too much or others to be experts at everything in life or to know everything in life, when we don't have the time or the energy to be experts at everything. And one of the things that I feel fortunate to have created for myself is, I wanted to learn all these things for myself, so I interview people. I have people like yourself on my show. But I don't have the time to make this my life. Every topic that I interview someone on. I don't have the time to dive into neuroscience and the time to dive into nutrition and dive into, uh, money and investing and, you know, I don't have the time to do everything, make it my life's mission. So I try to learn what I can and be like, okay, I'm educating enough

• 1:10:13Lewis Howes?

  and then have access to people that I could call upon if I need some support.

• 1:10:17Speaker 03

  I love that. That's a great example.

• 1:10:18Lewis Howes?

  Coaching, support, help me in my money, help me in my, my relationships, my nutrition, my fitness, my spirituality, I call upon people for support.

• 1:10:28Speaker 03

  I love that.

• 1:10:29Lewis Howes?

  I don't try to be the, the king of every topic, you know?

• 1:10:32Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:10:33Lewis Howes?

  And I think that's, um, it makes me feel at peace knowing that I have a, a community of support that I can call upon when I'm struggling.

• 1:10:41Speaker 03

  I love that. I love that.

• 1:10:43Lewis Howes?

  As opposed to like, I need to know it all or I'm not gonna call on someone because it's gonna make me look weak.

• 1:10:47Speaker 03

  Yes, yes. And that is that fear coming in, right? Of worrying about what other people think about you. I love that you.

• 1:10:57Speaker 03

  That you put that in the sense of your podcast, but really that's life too, right? Yes, yeah, we need a good team, we need a good village.

• 1:11:06Lewis Howes?

  You played, what sports did you play?

• 1:11:07Speaker 03

  I played softball, soccer, and ranch rat.

• 1:11:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and for me, I make this analogy as well. I did track and football and basketball. For me,

• 1:11:18Lewis Howes?

  I, after sports was done for me, I played arena football for about a year and a half after college. I played with the USA handball team for the last 10 years. But really, after I was done playing professionally and transitioned into business, I was like, why would I stop having a coach in my life? When this is what coaches helped me learn the most, gave me discipline and structure, gave me feedback in my sport for that three-month season. They made me better in that sport. Why wouldn't I get coaches in my life? So I have a coach for my relationship. I have a therapist coach for my emotions and my thoughts. I have a coach for my investing and my business. I have a coach, I have trainers for my fitness. I have a nutritionist because I want to optimize these things.

• 1:12:03Lewis Howes?

  I didn't, I didn't have all that when I was broke, sleeping on my sister's couch. But I had mentors, I had family support, I had people in my community who were experts. And then as I was able to invest in coaches, I invested in coaches. But I think we should be seeking personal advisors in our life who are more experts at that thing than us.

• 1:12:22Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:12:23Lewis Howes?

  And there's someone you know who's, works out consistently, or someone who eats better, or someone that's got a good relationship that you could find that support with, that I think in your life.

• 1:12:32Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 1:12:32Lewis Howes?

  So I'm always,

• 1:12:36Lewis Howes?

  I'm very passionate about coaches in my life and I'm always telling people, please find support. Find coaches, mentors, family, friends, whatever it is. You know, whether you're investing in it or not, find someone to help you.

• 1:12:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I think too, we're seeing, I mean, I was watching something on, I don't know if I heard it on NPR or something, but about, you know, the, the rise in mental health issues, you know, post pandemic, right? And,

• 1:13:06Speaker 03

  The importance of having somebody to have those conversations to talk about, right? It's so important.

• 1:13:12Lewis Howes?

  So important.

• 1:13:13Speaker 03

  Like you're saying, we know our limits. But if we could surround ourselves around people who can, who know us well enough to know, let me get this out of him, let me support him with that. And I love the analogy of coaches, because that's basically what it is, right?

• 1:13:28Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:13:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:13:29Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. I mean, you know LeBron James, after he wins the first championship, doesn't say to himself, you know what? I got this basketball thing figured out. I don't need a coach for next season. Like, I'm gonna do this on my own, because I'm the greatest. I'm gonna go do it on my own. Now, he's like, no, how can I surround myself with a better team? How can I find the coach to push me more?

• 1:13:50Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:13:50Lewis Howes?

  So I can stay great.

• 1:13:52Speaker 03

  And he's got meditation coaches.

• 1:13:54Lewis Howes?

  Everything. Everything, right? So it's like, why don't we have coaches in our life? I think sometimes we have been conditioned to think it's, if we can't figure it out on our own, then something's wrong with us.

• 1:14:07Speaker 03

  Yes, and I think that's part of our society, right? We create that monster in our society about being stronger, not asking for help, being able to do things on your own, and we need to just kind of bust that myth.

• 1:14:22Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:14:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:14:23Lewis Howes?

  And I'm so glad that therapy is becoming more mainstream and is talked about more.

• 1:14:30Lewis Howes?

  Because, you know, I've been going to therapy every two weeks for this whole year, and it's been so helpful for me. Just even if I don't have a problem, or I don't have any challenges in my mind or my emotions, it's just like, what can I keep improving on? How can I get feedback and be a better person? How can I make sure to set myself up for if something happens in the future and just be prepared? It's just powerful to be able to talk and have someone to listen to you. And I'm not saying everyone needs to do therapy, you know, but it's like, we should have a space where you talk to someone consistently, your friend, your partner, in a safe space, so.

• 1:15:03Speaker 03

  I love therapy.

• 1:15:05Lewis Howes?

  It's powerful.

• 1:15:07Speaker 03

  We don't have it enough in the black community, for sure.

• 1:15:09Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:15:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:15:10Lewis Howes?

  Is it accept, it's not acceptable, it's looked down upon?

• 1:15:13Speaker 03

  A few things. One, it's um, b- black generations, right? The medical fields and black people have not been the best of friends, right? There's been a lot of science experiments tried on blacks, you know, sharecroppers and the Tuskegee um, syphilis test, those kinds of things. And a lot of older black people have that in their minds, that I'm not letting anybody in my mind, right? So that's one. The other thing is the religious factor. So, uh, black community and Jesus, right? That's a partnership that if you go to a therapy, it means I'm not having faith or trust in Jesus to fix it, right? So that's another kind of myth that, that we're struggling with. And the other thing is, is financial, right? It's, therapy is expensive.

• 1:15:57Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:15:57Speaker 03

  Um, my therapy, my kid's therapy, it's not always covered in insurance, it's out of the pocket, right? And then the last thing, I think it is, um, a lot of therapists are not trained in culturally um, relevant or responsive therapy. And so, uh, there is a, uh, anxiety tax, right? That comes along with being black. And if you go to a therapist who is not acknowledging that or not understanding that level of

• 1:16:26Lewis Howes?

  Cause they didn't experience that stress.

• 1:16:27Speaker 03

  Right, right, yeah. So those are kind of the big.

• 1:16:30Lewis Howes?

  You think, you think, um, the black community should, should only, uh, work with black therapists?

• 1:16:36Speaker 03

  I doubt. I, I, my therapist was not black. My daughter's therapist is not black. But you need somebody to know the black experience in terms of being open to recognize that there's an extra stress or something that comes along with being black. Or being open to learn that race is a big part of why we need therapy.

• 1:16:57Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, right.

• 1:16:58Speaker 03

  So, yeah, no, I don't think you have to be black, um, but I do know there's not enough. I think there's one percent or two percent of the psychologists, um, are black women. So it's

• 1:17:10Lewis Howes?

  One percent or two percent?

• 1:17:11Speaker 03

  One percent. I think it's two, two percent, I think it, the statistics were. So I think there needs to be more because a lot of people feel more comfortable with people like them. I mean, just like whether you would go to a woman or a man, like, you know, um, like. When I get a massage, I I like, um, I prefer a woman, you know? But it's just my preference. So some people do have preferences. But um, I think there needs to be more educated therapists that are of color.

• 1:17:40Lewis Howes?

  Yes, yes. I I I'm hopeful that within the last couple of years with all the the challenges that the world has seen that people wouldn't want to go and serve in the mental health space and the emotional health space more now and see like this is an opportunity where I can serve people and be of value and go into that field. So I hope that I hope that happens for people.

• 1:17:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, because there's not enough. We have more patients than we have therapists right now.

• 1:18:03Lewis Howes?

  I know. Okay, that was the, I think you said the fourth thing. Let's be open to getting help. What would you say is the fifth rule of conscious parenting and and being a great parent today?

• 1:18:11Speaker 03

  I would say to have fun with your kids, right? The the pandemic has shown us that we need to slow down, right? And I reconnect with your children for no reason at all, but just to reconnect. And I think we're so overscheduled that we don't get a chance to really know our children, to really have fun with them in ways that they find enjoyable. Then I think we should just make sure we're taking time, spending just quality time without electronics.

• 1:18:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, just a couple hours a day where it's like we we're not scheduling anything. You're not going to a practice or class or homework. We're just being. If you want to play, play. You want to hang out in the backyard, hang out in the backyard. You want to do nothing?

• 1:18:52Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:18:52Lewis Howes?

  Cool. To be open to just think and do that.

• 1:18:55Speaker 03

  Exactly, yeah.

• 1:18:56Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think we overschedule so much as parents?

• 1:18:59Speaker 03

  I think we we think we know what's best for our kids, right? Again, we're we're trying to close the gaps between our own childhoods, right? We want to live our lives through them. I see that a lot and you know that in sports.

• 1:19:13Lewis Howes?

  Of course, yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:16Lewis Howes?

  Screaming at the refs.

• 1:19:17Speaker 03

  It's so bad.

• 1:19:19Lewis Howes?

  The eighteen year old ref is just like, I'm making ten bucks an hour, just showing up and screaming at by all these parents.

• 1:19:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, and I think we are living through our kids too much in ways that it's causing harm. Yeah, and I think, you know, part of it is we're trying to find out what they're good at, but then some of it is just really the extra stress on on our children is way more enormous than we ever, ever thought.

• 1:19:47Lewis Howes?

  If a parent today was only able to teach three things to their children, hypothetical scenario, what would you say are the three most important things they could teach their kids?

• 1:19:59Speaker 03

  Kindness, compassion,

• 1:20:05Speaker 03

  and I would say what I call radical love. And that's like this all encompassing love that really thinks about others, sees perspectives, and that you're willing to do stuff for other people without anything in return.

• 1:20:25Lewis Howes?

  Is radical love include loving someone when they do wrong by you?

• 1:20:29Speaker 03

  When they're unlovable, right?

• 1:20:31Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:20:31Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:20:31Lewis Howes?

  When they hurt you, when they do wrong by you?

• 1:20:33Speaker 03

  Doesn't mean you have to be friends with them, but it's showing them human love, right? It's showing them that, you know, in spite of your lack, right? I can love you from afar, but I'm not going to allow that to cloud the way that I can spread joy in the world, right?

• 1:20:50Lewis Howes?

  Interesting, yes.

• 1:20:51Speaker 03

  And I think too, it's loving even when it's hard, right? Finding a way to love even when it's hard.

• 1:20:57Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:20:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:20:59Lewis Howes?

  What's been the thing for you as a parent that's been the hardest for you to forgive?

• 1:21:03Speaker 03

  I think for me, it's not, and we talked about this earlier, it's not a cry, not seeing when my kids didn't feel like they belonged, right? Not recognizing that early.

• 1:21:14Lewis Howes?

  In the family or in life?

• 1:21:16Speaker 03

  In life, that they didn't find us, couldn't find a space, that there was something that I could have done differently and shown up differently to help them to navigate that. And I feel still hurt by that, you know, that I didn't get that right.

• 1:21:33Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:21:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:21:34Lewis Howes?

  What do you mean you didn't get it right, though?

• 1:21:36Speaker 03

  I just feel like if this is my life's work, you're gonna make me cry, those. If this is my life's work, how did I not recognize that in my own home? Like, how did I not see, particularly my daughter, where she was struggling with all the opportunities, right, that we were giving her? Why didn't I see that it was too much? How did I miss that in my efforts to broaden her horizons? And I feel badly that I missed that for her.

• 1:22:12Lewis Howes?

  What is it that she needed and what is it that you needed in those moments?

• 1:22:18Speaker 03

  She needed me to tell her, this stuff is not who you are. This is extra, but it does not define you.

• 1:22:28Lewis Howes?

  You mean the activities, the sports, the music?

• 1:22:30Speaker 03

  The activities, the opportunities, the music, the soccer, the, you have to do this, you have to take that class, you know? That is not why I love you and that does not define my love for you in any way, right? You could do nothing and my radical love would be my radical love, right? And I don't think I gave her that message enough for her to feel like she had to perform all these things at high level. So if I could go back, I would tell myself to plug in more with her and to make sure she recognized that what she does and who she is is different or separated, yeah.

• 1:23:08Lewis Howes?

  What do you say to yourself now though about it? Since you can't, since you can't go back?

• 1:23:13Speaker 03

  Yes, I have forgiven myself for that, but it is always conscious in my mind of how I show up now. So it's taught me to check in with my kids more. It's taught me to say, okay, you're gonna finish this season because we started this season. After this season, if you decide when it's time to sign up next season and you're done with this, you can be done with this, right? You know, you know, we finish what we start, but we can renegotiate. So I do more renegotiating with my children. You know, like you say, there's still structure. There's still things that I expect from my kids in terms of their, um, where they show up in the home. But I am very much more mindful of

• 1:23:55Speaker 03

  letting my kids know that they're not defined by the things that, the opportunities that they get.

• 1:24:00Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

• 1:24:44Lewis Howes?

  And now it's time to go out there and do something great.