Why Willpower Never Actually Changes You | Peter Crone

Peter Crone, a human potential expert and performance coach who has worked with PGA Tour golfers, Major League Baseball athletes, and top executives, joins Lewis Howes to break down the difference between willpower and identity, the mechanics of subconscious conditioning, and why healing requires exiting the level of consciousness that created the problem. Crone also discusses his upcoming 2.0 World membership platform and his three month coaching mastermind.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Lewis Howes?

  Everywhere I go, airports, events, walking down the street, people stop me and say, Louis, this show got me through one of the hardest seasons of my life. And it's one of the coolest things when people come up to me. So if you see me, please come up and say hi and let me know how this show, The School of Greatness, has impacted you. It lights me up because our mission at Greatness Media is to impact 100 million lives every single week. So if today's conversation hits home for you, do me a favor and push the follow button right now. It means that the next conversation will be delivered to you and will find you exactly when you need it. Again, thank you so much for being here and listening to The School of Greatness. Make sure to follow right now to stay up to date on the latest and greatest.

• 0:46Speaker 01

  I don't know many humans who don't suffer. They're just trying to avoid a bad future that hasn't happened yet. It's one of the craziest paradoxes of being human is that whilst it's a great survival instrument, it's a horrific way of living a thriving creative life. It wasn't love, it was more attachment, possession, codependency. That's how most relationships get formed.

• 1:03Lewis Howes?

  Insecurity too, right?

• 1:04Speaker 01

  All of it.

• 1:05Lewis Howes?

  Leading expert in human potential and performance who has spent decades coaching elite athletes, top executives and high performers. Please welcome Peter Crone. How hard is it to create amazing love in a relationship with someone else?

• 1:19Speaker 01

  True love is learning to embrace all parts of you, including the part of you that feels unlovable. If I'm fully okay with me, then I can extend that to others. If I'm not, then I'm only going to find fault with those that I meet. You pick up a pen that's got red ink in it, it's going to write in red. Like it doesn't matter how hard you try, the conditioning of our subconscious will eventually manifest.

• 1:37Lewis Howes?

  People like most people are suffering in the world today.

• 1:39Speaker 01

  Oh gosh.

• 1:43Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to The School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest. We have the inspiring Peter Crone in the house. Good to see you, sir.

• 1:50Speaker 01

  I mean it, it's generally great to be here. This is such a pleasure and yeah, I just admire who you are and even more so after our little telltale.

• 1:59Lewis Howes?

  We had a whole podcast before this, so now we're going to start recording for real.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:03Lewis Howes?

  Everything that you teach people is around how to create less suffering and more freedom.

• 2:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:09Lewis Howes?

  And I'm curious, what do you think is the number one thing then that blocks people from reaching their full potential with freedom in mind?

• 2:20Speaker 01

  Oh gosh, I mean, I feel borderline concerned that I might speak for an hour to that just alone. I think it's part of the joy and the challenge of being human, which is we become misidentified with this sort of identity of ourselves. Like there's this personality that typically gets forged in our childhood. We think that we're this, we're not that. Kids are often told, don't do this, you're bad, you're wrong, you're right. And so we start to forge this facade and that becomes a very constraint against which we tend to spend the rest of our life trying to overcome or disproving, fixing or improving. And so that to me is the greatest obstacle. Like I literally over the retreat, I was telling a little about, I said, the greatest adversary

• 3:04Speaker 01

  any human being is ever going to sort of face during the course of their life is their own identity. To me, it's the ultimate addiction is the idea of ourselves that becomes the obstacle to the very essence of who we are beneath that. So that's why one of my catchphrases is I don't solve problems, I dissolve them.

• 3:21Lewis Howes?

  Is the subconscious mind something that develops our identity?

• 3:27Speaker 01

  I would say it's the foundation for it. So these underlying, very similar to like, we're obviously in a huge building here and the size of the building has to be commensurate with the size of the foundation or vice versa. Right? Like we couldn't build the foundations that were set for a 1,200 square foot home and build this beautiful building that you've got your studio in, it wouldn't, they're incompatible. Right? So I think the subconscious creates the foundation for them, the personality, which is born from that. So the genesis of who we think that we are is really built upon these, you know, Carl Jung would call it more unconscious ideas of ourselves that inform the way that we think, feel, act, and then the commensurate results that come from that.

• 4:11Lewis Howes?

  Right. I mean, you talk about this where you were seven when you lost your mom and then 17, you lost your dad.

• 4:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:19Lewis Howes?

  So you were alone essentially without parents, without biological parents by 17.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:26Lewis Howes?

  How did that experience and environment and subconscious programming?

• 4:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:33Lewis Howes?

  Develop your identity at 17?

• 4:37Speaker 01

  I mean, unfortunately I wasn't aware of it until many years later, which is always the case, right? But what I discovered in my first kind of what I thought was a loving relationship, as best as I could know at the ripe old age of 28, the first person I thought was, oh my God, she's the one.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  Was the like a profound sense of fear of loss. So what that looked like in the relationship was the compensation patterns, the strategies was do everything I could to a, as is always the case, like I use quotes, as you know, I say, past hurt informs future fear. So my past heart, past hurt of parents dying, no one would begrudge me. You know, that was obviously a very challenging situation to go through. And so the way that I would try to compensate, which is how the brain works, right? It's designed to predict and protect. So it's one of the craziest like paradoxes of being human is that whilst it's a great survival instrument, it's a horrific like way of living a thriving creative life where we can be free. It's more we're looking out for these worst case scenarios, or as I tell people that,

• 5:39Speaker 01

  you know, they're just trying to avoid a bad future that hasn't happened yet. Right? So I was trying to avoid a bad future of loss. What that looked like in the relationship was I became the perfect boyfriend. So it was not just Peter, who she adored and loved, she had no issue with me. It was my way of trying to mitigate the hurt that I was still carrying. So the perfect boyfriend became Peter plus, right? And so.

• 6:01Lewis Howes?

  Over and above everything, was it like?

• 6:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was already loving, kind, generous. I consider myself to be a good dude, you know, like I've never shouted, I've never hit anyone, I've never cheated. Like, you know, on paper, like I check all the boxes, but it was, that was insufficient for my identity, which was like, I love this person, which of course now I see wasn't love, it was more attachment, possession, codependency, that's how most relationships get formed.

• 6:24Lewis Howes?

  Insecurity too, right?

• 6:25Speaker 01

  All of it, right? Fear. And so that then created the, what I consider to be the best strategy, which is all unconscious, right? It's all survival, the primordial imperative of every mammal is to survive. So I'm trying to survive, not realizing what I'm trying to survive is my own feelings of inadequacy that she might leave me.

• 6:41Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, wow.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Which then becomes self fulfilling, right? So when people talk about sabotage, it's not inaccurate, but I want people to consider it's not sabotage so much as self fulfillment, right? Like you're not sabotaging anything, you're actually fulfilling on your code and your wiring.

• 6:55Lewis Howes?

  A projection of your program.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  Yeah. So it's like you pick up a pen that's got red ink in it, you know, like it's going to, it's going to write in red. Like it doesn't matter how hard you try. So likewise with our wiring, the conditioning of our subconscious will eventually manifest. Like people talk about manifestation all day and I'm like, I just feel they have no full understanding. So yeah, so that led to her leaving, which was at the time, the most painful thing that subsequently became the most powerful thing. Cause about two months after my own demise of, you know, my suffering and my sadness and my desperation, I, for whatever bizarre reasons and the way that my karma apparently is scheduled to unfold, I had this sun epiphany and I was asking these questions incessantly, like where is she? Will I see her again? Is she dating someone else? Will I have love like that again, you know?

• 7:41Speaker 01

  And it was keeping me up at night, quite literally, because I'm trying to find the answers to the question, which is the way that the ego tries to resolve its own fear with certainty, which itself is a complete misnomer because life is uncertain. So when I realized there was no answer to the questions, I guess I got the epiphany of the answer to all the questions in the same time. Where is she? Is she dating someone else? Will I see her again? Will I find love? It was all the same answer, I don't know. I don't know where she is, I don't know if she's dating, it was just emphatically the truth. And for the first time in my life, I realized not only is the nature of life uncertainty, which is such a conflict for the ego that wants to know, but I was completely at peace with it. I felt a freedom through my body cascade in every cell that I'd never, ever experienced.

• 8:25Speaker 01

  And that started my whole next chapter of my career.

• 8:28Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 8:29Speaker 01

  I met, yeah, I met some people for dinner. The craziest part, without getting too deep down the rabbit hole of quantum physics, within 15 minutes, back then, without showing my age, you know, I think I had a cell phone, but everything was predominantly landline. I was sitting at my shitty Ikea desk in a rent controlled apartment with next to nothing for my name. And the phone rang within 15 minutes of the epiphany, right? And now she calls me, I haven't spoken to her for six weeks, now she's crying.

• 8:53Lewis Howes?

  This is like Swingers. Have you seen the movie Swingers?

• 8:56Speaker 01

  No.

• 8:56Lewis Howes?

  Oh man, okay.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  I think I have a different interpretation.

• 9:00Lewis Howes?

  He finally in the movie, he finally like lets go of the girl he's obsessed about, that they're not together for a year.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 9:06Lewis Howes?

  And then she calls him and he's like, this is the test.

• 9:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:10Lewis Howes?

  It's like, okay, do I go back to the old person or old place?

• 9:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:15Lewis Howes?

  Or do I, now that she's given me everything I want, am I ready to move on to everything? But when she called you, what happened?

• 9:22Speaker 01

  A myriad of things went through my mind so quickly, just by virtue of the fact that I had stepped into a new dimension, right? Without sounding too poetic.

• 9:29Lewis Howes?

  Energetically.

• 9:30Speaker 01

  Energetically, I was a new human being. Completely. And it really spoke to, in quantum realms, entanglement theory, right? So what I realized simultaneously, like within split seconds, all of these different like bubbles just popped. Whereas like, holy shit, life is uncertainty. I'm totally at peace with that. And even if I'm not, it doesn't matter how much I try to work it out and I'm pretty high IQ. I'm still not going to know because life is uncertainty, right? That's the paradox, like we're designed as humans to try and perpetuate our existence, survival based operating system that I talk about. And yet we live in a paradigm that by virtue of its design, you don't know. Yeah, but I want to know. Yeah, but you don't know. Yeah, but I want, right? And this is why people are exhausted, right? That's fear, anxiety and all the things that people struggle with. So freedom cascaded through every cell in my body.

• 10:14Speaker 01

  I felt like I could almost levitate and I actually went to dinner that evening and I didn't feel like I touched the sidewalk, it was a very unique feeling. But to come back to your question, within 15 minutes, she calls me, now she's crying, saying she misses me so much, which is all I was desperately craving two months previous, right? Because that little part of me, the younger part that wanted her recognition of me and her reassurance of me and, you know, the little boy. And so she did come back for a minute. I mean, because it was, I loved her, I still do. We were out of touch for probably a decade and then she reached out, she's married, lives in Florida. It's beautiful to be back in touch and reminisce on the things that we both learned. But I was a different human being. I think she was with me maybe for a month after that, but I literally, I talk about it in my work, I jumped timelines, I was in a different frequency.

• 10:59Speaker 01

  And so what was a predictable future on the same timeline now had become redundant. Like, you know, in the yoga sutras, there's a beautiful quote, it says, you know, when there's this sort of moment of enlightenment, all future suffering dissolves. So I jumped timelines and a new future that I could never have predicted from the previous one became available and it didn't include her, not at least in a romantic sense.

• 11:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, interesting. So you tried it for like a month, but you realized, oh, we're not in alignment anymore.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Not in a bad way, like it was before, where I was dead because.

• 11:27Lewis Howes?

  I guess you were never in alignment, you were in attachment, right? It's like you're an insecure attachment or something.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  And that's where it's hard for people to hear, but I, in the retreat that I just did, I was telling people, most of you are in a relationship, but you're not in relationship. Subtle, right? Like you're in the form of it, my girlfriend, my boyfriend, my husband, my wife, but you're not actually relating and therefore you don't have a relationship. Most people are solely in the relationship with their own conditioning, which is a way that they survive and they use the other person as a means to way they manipulate that to try and get love and acceptance, which is really the dialogue of a child who's fundamentally wanting to feel safe.

• 11:58Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 11:59Speaker 01

  You know, so I got over all of that. So I'd say ironically, we were more in a relationship when she came back because I was available and that was the entanglement moment. I wasn't available before because I was living in fear, trying to avoid her leaving me, even though she loved me. So I was fundamentally in a relationship with my own conditioning, which is how most people live, which is why relationships are typically the bane of people's existence because they don't have sufficient self-acceptance, love and peace to truly be with another human, you know, so a lot happened very quickly.

• 12:29Lewis Howes?

  Man, it's so funny because we were talking about relationships for like an hour beforehand.

• 12:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:32Lewis Howes?

  And it, it opens up something for me where early on when I was dating Martha, I remember thinking, this is the best woman I've ever met, the most spiritually evolved, the healthiest, the most conscious, the most responsible, you know, emotionally regulated, like all the things. Not, not perfect, but willing to continue to work on herself and evolve and willing to take responsibility and, and also driven and creative and beautiful and all these things. And I was like, this is the greatest woman I've ever met. And if we're not meant to be.

• 13:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:06Lewis Howes?

  I'm at peace with that.

• 13:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:07Lewis Howes?

  I don't need to prove, over prove, over extend to try to make something work because that never worked in the past.

• 13:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:15Lewis Howes?

  And I said, if we're not meant to be, we're not in alignment, it's not gonna, it's okay. Like there's gonna be something else available for me and for her because

• 13:26Lewis Howes?

  we just weren't meant to be together. And that's fine. And I think that level of like, my, my therapist would say like, high engagement, low attachment.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, beautiful.

• 13:36Lewis Howes?

  Gave me a sense of peace. Like I wasn't like, oh, whatever. I don't really care about this relationship if it doesn't work out. I was like, no, I'm fully in and fully engaged.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:44Lewis Howes?

  But if you have different values than I do and we're gonna be fighting and be in conflict, then that's not the best thing, you know, and, and I'm gonna be okay and safe if it doesn't work out.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  No matter what.

• 13:55Lewis Howes?

  But I never felt okay or safe if someone didn't love me before. Or if I could pour into someone and I loved them, but they didn't love me or something.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:04Lewis Howes?

  I always lived in insecurity and fear and tried to like make it always work.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:08Lewis Howes?

  I think a lot of people do that in relationships.

• 14:10Speaker 01

  I think the majority, and that's no slight on anyone, it's just the human predisposition, right? And that's why I just was acknowledging you for a man and the things that you shared and the, the choices you made as a lead up and the therapy and all the things that you were committed to, to me speaks volumes about the man you became. So I would assert, it wasn't that she was the greatest woman she ever met, you ever met. It was really an extension of you were in the greatest relationship you'd ever been in with which the self.

• 14:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, but most of us, what did you say? We are in relationships, but we're not in relationship?

• 14:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're in a relationship, the form, but not in relationship, the frequency.

• 14:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. What does someone need to, if someone wants to create the most beautiful love life that they've ever had, what type of relationship do they need to have with themselves first before they can create that in a relationship with someone else?

• 15:03Speaker 01

  Ooh, what a beautiful question. I mean, in the simplest terms, it's the most profound capital A acceptance of self. Right? Love is an all embracing experience. There's no agenda with love. Now, there's different forms. I talk about masculine and feminine. I think feminine is much more unconditional, like the child, which congrats again on becoming a dad. Like, you know, as the babies grow and they start to stumble and fall or even fail at school or have their first heartbreak. Typically, mom's the first one that they will go to because that represents unconditional love, right? There's an all pervasive acceptance of whoever you are, whatever you're expressing. I think that's why women are incredible, like friends, right? Cause a girlfriend can just lose it and her friend gets it. You know,

• 15:45Speaker 01

  I think this is where men tend to be horrific listeners, right? Cause they wanna fix it. And so after the fact, then, you know, you come to the dad maybe as a child and then that's like, okay, well now you feel held, seen and heard with the three qualities I say every human being wants. And then the dad can bring in the discipline and the understanding and the analysis of like, well, you know, your girl was riding her bike for the first time, she's five and she fell off and, you know, it's got a boo boo and she's bleeding a little bit, a little scarf on her knee and mom takes care of it and cleans it up. And then she comes to you and you can go back out there and give her the courage and help her understand what this speed and da, da, da, you know, and all the analytics, right? So I think in order to get to that place, we, we kind of have to embody both

• 16:26Speaker 01

  masculine and feminine, right? Which is to have the part of us that allows all of us. And I always say like, what better backdrop against what to learn, what to feel love and learn love than the imperfection of our own humanity? Right? Like which human doesn't like or love the parts of themselves that they get compliments on or that they know they've got great skin, great hair, great, you know, boobs, great butt, great, whatever it is, right? It's like, yes, but then they see the cellulite or the crooked nose or the whatever rugby ears with guys I used to grow up with at school. And, you know, it's like that, that's the real, that's the treasure of where I developed love, you know? And I say true love is learning to embrace all parts of you, including the part of you that feels unlovable.

• 17:10Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. That's it right there.

• 17:12Speaker 01

  And that's the precursor to a great relationship. Because if I'm fully okay with me, then I can extend that to others. If I'm not, then I'm only gonna find fault with those that I meet.

• 17:21Lewis Howes?

  So if we live in a state of shame, guilt, or not enoughness, how hard is it to create amazing love and a relationship with someone else?

• 17:31Speaker 01

  I don't know if it's how hard, I just say it's impossible.

• 17:34Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 17:35Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah. I would say it's impossible. Cause it wouldn't be real love, it would be compensatory love. It would be.

• 17:41Lewis Howes?

  Formative also in a sense, right?

• 17:43Speaker 01

  It's strategic, right? Meaning so if I'm.

• 17:46Lewis Howes?

  Survival love.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  Yes, which therefore is in love.

• 17:48Lewis Howes?

  Don't leave me, stay with me. What do I need to do so that you love me or whatever, right?

• 17:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, which is dependency, which is human. And I have all the compassion, like again, one of my quotes, so you can't be hard accountable for that which you're oblivious to, which breeds compassion, right? Like so everyone, we could walk outside right now and probably see someone who's smoking a cigarette, right? And we could easily, as a human being with today's technology, the warning packs from the government that's been on cigarettes for three, four decades. Everyone knows that smoking is not great. You know, it's not a wise choice. But if we went over to that person, you know, smoking's bad, you, you think they don't know that? But the shame and guilt that that conversation and that comment would elicit is the precursor to the smoking that they're already doing. And that's why I think I've helped so many people with addictions of whatever kind where they're like, oh, I have a drinking problem or I have a cocaine problem. I'm like, no,

• 18:37Speaker 01

  no, you don't. And they're like, well, what do you mean? I say, you're actually quite masterful at drinking. It's not a problem at all. It's a solution. You're really good at it, right?

• 18:44Lewis Howes?

  It's a strategy, right? Yeah.

• 18:45Speaker 01

  For the deeper problem, which is the relationship you have with yourself, which is founded in self-hatred, or I'm a bad person, which creates suffering from which every mammal is trying to escape.

• 18:54Lewis Howes?

  Create relief. And this is your relief from the suffering.

• 18:57Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 18:58Lewis Howes?

  Interesting. Do you feel like most people are suffering in the world today? Like internal suffering, not from their environment or war or like abuse, but like internal suffering?

• 19:09Speaker 01

  I would assert it is the prerogative of every human being who's incarnated into this dimension to suffer. That is the access point to why we're here, to liberate ourselves from the constraints with which I assert we arrive. That's a much headier conversation. But yeah, I don't know many humans who don't suffer. I don't know.

• 19:29Lewis Howes?

  On a scale of one, on a scale of one to 10, 10 being the most extreme, one being the least amount, how much suffering do you experience on a day to day?

• 19:37Speaker 01

  Day to day? I'd say less than one.

• 19:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  Less than one.

• 19:40Lewis Howes?

  So you have a little bit of suffering.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  Periodically. And the funny thing is, I just shot a documentary the other day and someone was talking about my work and how it brings freedom, love and possibility being the main pillars of my work, right? Which is really, without sounding too high falutin, it's sort of awakening enlightenment, right? Where there's this experience of heaven on earth. And she said, you know, your work has touched me and I get stopped, as I'm sure you do by so many people nowadays. And like, you changed my life, you saved my life and it's really meaningful and it's very humbling for me as a kid orphan from a small village in England. And she said, like, your work really has the potential to create this utopian experience for humanity. And she said, what do you think that would be like for the world? You know, if we really lived in heaven on earth? And I've never had this answer before, because I don't think I've had the question posed quite like that. But I laughed and I said, it almost sounds kind of boring.

• 20:28Lewis Howes?

  There's no challenge, no conflict.

• 20:30Speaker 01

  I'm like, damn it, I'm fucking up the whole system. I'm giving everyone complete freedom. So no, I, I, I kind of enjoy it to a certain degree now that of course it's not my sort of main, main event of my life. Whereas before, loss, fear, inadequacies, not enough, they were all present.

• 20:50Speaker 01

  And now it's become, I often say, you know, these bigger questions of life, what's the meaning of life, I think is a relatively easy question. It's like whatever your brain is wired to make it mean, right? We all live in our own universe to some degree. I'm not saying that we don't share the same objective world, but we're always going to see through the lens of what we see. Like, we don't look through our eyes, we look through our perspective. And so we see the cognitive bias of how we're wired. Then I say the purpose of life really is to break free from our constraints, right? It's the ultimate sort of cosmic Houdini. You know, we're trapped in our own straitjackets of our insecurities, inadequacies and scarcities, and we get the opportunity to break through. That's such the accomplishment, like conquering our own hell to step into heaven. Or as I say, heaven is a place on earth, you just have to go through hell to get there.

• 21:34Speaker 01

  Then the purpose of life, or no, that was the purpose. The opportunity of life is then to help bring the same to others. So I feel like I'm very much in the season of my opportunity, which

• 21:42Lewis Howes?

  There's kind of three stages. What was the first one?

• 21:44Speaker 01

  Is the meaning.

• 21:45Lewis Howes?

  The meaning?

• 21:46Speaker 01

  Is that we grapple with that, right? Like, this is wrong or right, the beliefs, dogma, you know, the religious wars that have plagued and killed millions over this, you know, asinine, oh, I believe in this god, you believe in the other god, so we'll kill you, you know, it's like

• 21:59Lewis Howes?

  And then the purpose?

• 21:59Speaker 01

  Is to break free from the constraints with which we arrive.

• 22:02Lewis Howes?

  To create, to create freedom, essentially, right?

• 22:05Speaker 01

  To discover our own true nature. Namaste, the divine in me recognizes the divine in you. Awakening, enlightenment, whatever you call it, to realize that I am the kingdom of the Lord. The Buddha is who I am at my core. As I talk about this 2.0 world is what I'm bringing, right? The 2.0 essence of who you are as a soul, experiencing yourself through the lens of a human.

• 22:22Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 22:22Speaker 01

  So that's where I become misidentified with the human as suffering, re-identification with the essence of who I am is liberation. And then the opportunity is to extend that to others, and I feel that

• 22:33Lewis Howes?

  And that's the season, I think that's kind of where we're both at right now as well.

• 22:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, totally, and that's why there's so much simpatico.

• 22:38Lewis Howes?

  Both went through a lot of hell, man, a lot of suffering.

• 22:41Speaker 01

  Boy, we enjoy fucking heaven right now.

• 22:43Lewis Howes?

  That's so nice, man.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  Dip my toe back in hell every now and then, just so I can relate to people.

• 22:47Lewis Howes?

  Okay, but I don't want to go there too much.

• 22:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't want to stay, but

• 22:49Lewis Howes?

  But a lot of people will try to change their life through willpower, it sounds like.

• 22:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:54Lewis Howes?

  It's like, okay, I'm going to will myself to changing habits or changing like a positive mindset. But if you are stuck with a wiring or a subconscious mind or nervous system that is still stuck in a past trauma or past belief or past identity.

• 23:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:14Lewis Howes?

  Why will willpower not work?

• 23:16Speaker 01

  Beautiful question. I hope I can sum it up quite quickly and succinctly for people. So willpower is an aspect of the ego based in survival. So I make a distinction. I love to just sort of use language to help people unpack things. So willpower is based in the energy of force. Even if you look at it anatomically, force physiologically is eventually going to create lactic acid. It's not an efficient energy system, right?

• 23:37Lewis Howes?

  It's unsustainable.

• 23:39Speaker 01

  Totally.

• 23:39Lewis Howes?

  It's not renewable, it's not reusable.

• 23:41Speaker 01

  No, you're going to collapse, right? Which is what happens when we're coming from ego. You hit your head up against the wall, you go to work in a job you don't love, you're in a relationship, and fuck it, right? And then the second one is power. Like, I always say, like with my athletes, I always, which I know you've got a lot of background, and I'll ask them to say, I'm forceful. And I want them to feel that. How does that come across? If you are competing at whatever your chosen sport is and you're coming from a forceful place, describe that. They're like, I feel tense, I'm pushing hard, I'm not in flow, dah dah dah. I'm trying to make things happen. And then I say, you're powerful. And they're like, wow, I just feel so at peace, right? So there are the distinctions. But to answer the question directly, why it doesn't work, is I say you can use force to temporarily override habits, right? That's all that force is doing.

• 24:26Speaker 01

  Willpower, you're inspired by someone, you know, you go to a coach, you talk to a therapist, you watch something on TV, listen, hopefully, to many of your shows that are inspiring. And they're like, you know, well, fuck it, this is my month, I'm going to get in shape. Even the beginning of the year, right? The misnomer, that January is the time that I should get in shape. I mean, it's all just made up, it's ridiculous. But most people cancel their membership in February, like the stats speak for themselves. So you can use force to temporarily override habit, but you can never violate identity.

• 24:55Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:56Speaker 01

  And when people get that, like, that's the self-fulfilling prophecy of your own programming.

• 25:00Lewis Howes?

  So how do we shift from the old self, the old identity that has strategically helped us get to where we are?

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:10Lewis Howes?

  Helped us survive, these strategies have served us in certain ways to survive,

• 25:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:15Lewis Howes?

  to get to a certain level.

• 25:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:17Lewis Howes?

  Then eventually, we all figure out that, okay, that level has limits. And so how do we shift an old identity into a new identity if it's not willpower?

• 25:27Speaker 01

  One word, death.

• 25:30Lewis Howes?

  Kill the ego?

• 25:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's death. I mean, it's really the ultimate metamorphosis.

• 25:35Lewis Howes?

  Without physically dying?

• 25:36Speaker 01

  No.

• 25:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 25:37Speaker 01

  Well, no, in a way, right? Like, and this is a powerful distinction for people to understand. Death, I love talking about death. Like, I studied much of the eastern philosophies. There's a book called, or books called the Upanishads, which is sort of this spoken distillation over generations, the orators, the gurus that would pass on through spoken word, these different powerful distinctions, right? So there's a group of books called the Upanishads. And there's one called the Katha, K-A-T-H-A, if anyone wants to read it. And where this little boy goes to talk to the death god, or the god of death, to discover what is this thing. And he talks about the only way to be free of death is to die to the idea of death itself. And so again, we get poetic, and it's really the eternal nature, I would assert, is who we are.

• 26:22Speaker 01

  Form comes and goes. We've been talking for, well, an hour and a half before, which is beautiful, and 20 minutes maybe on air. But in that period, we're not the same physical person. Because millions, millions of cells have died. And to the degree that our cells are able to replicate without any kind of compensations or compromise, we stay young. This is the whole world of longevity, right? Like in telomeres and, you know, real cell replication, if you really understand it, is without the context of we have an arc of existence. If, if that wasn't there with telomeres or whatever is really sort of the trigger switch for us to eventually leave this paradigm, then cell replication means you sort of live forever, right? Which is what longevity experts are trying to tap into.

• 27:05Speaker 01

  Funnily enough, that's really what happens to a cancerous cell, right? It sort of replicates perfectly, and then it overtakes. And we can get into that. But I think cells that are in that state are living in a hostile environment. So that's physiologically, for me, the quintessential expression of survival. Is a cell that's like, I'm out of here, I've got to do my own thing, which is no different than a kid that runs away from home in a hostile environment. So if you look at it physiologically. But to come back to death, really what I'm talking about is the death of identity, which is based in linguistics. It's the death of the idea of yourself. Or as I say, the only way to stay really alive is to constantly die to previous situations of yourself. So to overcome identity is

• 27:41Lewis Howes?

  How do we do that?

• 27:43Speaker 01

  Step one, awareness. Carl Jung, great quote. Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will drive your life and you'll call it fate. So when it's like, oh, I knew that would happen, too good to be true. I knew it wouldn't last. Right? As though it happened to us, not realizing our programming is the precursor to the unfolding of the manifest world. So without fault, and I said, can't be held accountable for that which you're oblivious to, that breeds compassion. It's like, oh, by virtue of my conditioning, I think, feel, act, and then create the life that is now what I see on the screen, that I'm trying to adjust, without realizing the projection room is behind me and the 35 millimeter screen, which is my, or the film is my subconscious, which is informing the way I see things, so

• 28:26Lewis Howes?

  Based on the programming you've had for my whole life.

• 28:29Speaker 01

  And even prior, you know, I believe we arrived with these constraints. So it's through awareness. Two main buckets in my work, awareness. Bring the unconscious conscious. Oh my God, 30 years, I thought I wasn't enough because my brother was a better athlete, my sister was a greater academic, and I always noticed that they got the attention. I felt like I was less than. And my less than has informed my compensation patterns, all my resignation. And it's fascinating in the ego, I realized, started my work as these 10 primal prisons, where we're not something, I'm not enough, I'm not loved, I'm not safe, I'm not worthy, right? When we're not something positive, the compensation is do more of that. If I'm not loved, what am I going to do? Try and become lovable. But there's a shadow side that came into my work maybe a decade ago. Like, it was, like, I was like, how come I'm talking to thousands of people

• 29:14Speaker 01

  and some of their conditions seem so much more macabre and dark and destructive? And I realized that there is a statement where I am something negative. So the antithesis of I'm not good enough, which would lead to the compensation of the perfectionism, the people-pleasing, the hard-working, the guy who's got the corner office and he's a C-suite executive but still dabbles with porn or drugs or is on his second marriage and unhappy and has anxiety. The darker side is I am bad. And when we are something negative, it's self-fulfilling. So we have to bring, first of all, these codes, unconscious conscious. Then the second step is to investigate the validity of that. Is it a truth? And this is, I'd say, proprietary part of my work.

• 29:57Speaker 01

  If I cut Lewis open, I say, is it true that you're not going to, born in Ohio? Am I going to find a manufacturing label that says, Lewis, born in Ohio? I'm not good enough. No, you kind of scoff. Of course you're not going to find that, okay? But it, it's a reality.

• 30:08Lewis Howes?

  But it's a belief that we, you know, I might have believed that for a long time, that I'm not lovable, I'm a bad kid, or whatever, I've

• 30:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, and that would have informed the choices. Now, you've obviously taken, I would assert, the strategic compensation route, all the success, the joy, the work, the beautiful wife, the kids, that, you know, what you've created here, which is phenomenal, right? So, but nonetheless, I mean, I now know, having spoken to you for 90 minutes before, you've done so much work that you may equally, like me, be sort of on the zero to one level of suffering, right? And get occasional glip of

• 30:38Lewis Howes?

  But for years, it was coming from a place of proving

• 30:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:43Lewis Howes?

  that I'm enough. So let me go accomplish, achieve, succeed, build, based on a lack of not feeling good enough.

• 30:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:51Lewis Howes?

  But when I did that for, I don't know, seven, eight, 10 years, and it was still never enough, I was like, and then it came to an awareness moment. Of like, okay, it doesn't matter how much money or success or whatever I have, I still don't feel good enough.

• 31:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:04Lewis Howes?

  And I still have anger, resentment, rage inside of me.

• 31:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, beautiful.

• 31:08Lewis Howes?

  Why?

• 31:09Speaker 01

  Beautiful.

• 31:09Lewis Howes?

  You know, so

• 31:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:10Lewis Howes?

  The strategy worked to accomplish something, but it didn't help me feel peace.

• 31:16Speaker 01

  No.

• 31:16Lewis Howes?

  And I think all we want at the end of the day is to feel like we're enough and feel we're lovable and we have peace inside of us.

• 31:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:23Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't mean we're not going to have challenges and things to like overcome, but At our emotional and psychological and identity level, are we enough?

• 31:32Speaker 01

  No.

• 31:33Lewis Howes?

  And I never felt that for a long time until I was about thirty.

• 31:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, which is a transitional period we all go through, sat and return without getting into astrology. So I love that you saw that. So that's bringing the unconscious conscious, investigating the validity of it all through your own wherewithal meditation, realizing, wait a minute, I'm trying this. It's sort of like the definition of addiction I use. You can never get enough of something that almost works. It's the hungry ghost, right? If you're being informed by, I'm not enough. And then you develop your patterns of proving harder work, whatever it is. You're actually being informed by something that can't be satiated. That's an addiction. Ultimate addiction is the idea of ourself, as I tell people. So that's why it's never, I can work with, I think, over twenty billionaires. You know, and you might think that's successful, but they're not. To me, true success, the new form of success is what you just said, peace. To be okay with whatever, not to be at the effect of life.

• 32:22Speaker 01

  And it's reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, Krishnamurti is one of my first teachers, dead, but like from his writings.

• 32:29Speaker 01

  He was often asked, how come you're just so at peace? You seem totally unaffected by life. You know, he would do shat songs and have his ashram and people would come and sit and he would say, or his expression was, this is my secret. I don't mind what happens.

• 32:43Lewis Howes?

  Whatever happens is going to be.

• 32:46Speaker 01

  And that's peace.

• 32:47Lewis Howes?

  And I don't need to be attached to an expectation that I wanted to happen, that did or didn't happen, or resentful that I didn't get something and someone else did.

• 32:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:56Lewis Howes?

  Why are we so conditioned to react to everything?

• 33:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:03Lewis Howes?

  Everything in life.

• 33:04Speaker 01

  Everything, yeah.

• 33:05Lewis Howes?

  Instead of be okay with whatever happens, even if it's through the lens of a horrendous thing.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:15Lewis Howes?

  Or your interpretation of this is a horrendous or bad thing.

• 33:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:20Lewis Howes?

  Why do so many people react from that space versus have peace with what is?

• 33:27Speaker 01

  Cause that's the opportunity of the game is that, you know, it's one of my favorite quotes that gets shared the most is that life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you're not free. That's why we're here.

• 33:40Lewis Howes?

  So true.

• 33:41Speaker 01

  And that's why, isn't that powerful?

• 33:44Lewis Howes?

  So true.

• 33:44Speaker 01

  I mean.

• 33:45Lewis Howes?

  Is there, where in your life right now has life revealed where you're not free?

• 33:50Speaker 01

  It's been a minute. I mean, even on the back of the retreat, it's kind of funny, like we were talking about this before and I'm always happy to share anything. I'm an open book. I have nothing to hide. And during the course of the retreat, day two, a guy stands up and he shared, he said, I just want to point out who this guy is on stage. I don't think many of you realize, like they're all here. They've flown across the world. They spent money that they probably have, you know, grappled to put together in ways that they're really committed to the work and it means a lot to me. I'm, I'm, I think you probably experienced this as much as my star has ridden, risen, I would say commensurate with that is my humility. Right? Like I, I've gone the other way. I was probably more cocky when I was insecure.

• 34:32Speaker 01

  Now I'm like, I'm just so flattered when anyone stops me and says, thank you. So I stood on the stage, never spoken to this guy. He's been in my mastermind. And he said, I don't know if you understand. He said, I'm in finance. I've done the math. I want you all to realize how much this guy cares because he's pouring his heart and soul out, helping you transform lives on stage, live, holding space for people who've been abused, hit sexually assaulted with all the care in the world, and he's losing money on this event. I just started crying. And so I would say there's a component, and I'm sure you can relate to this as a leader, that you know, I don't, I'm not particularly religious. I think that's part of your background and I love pulling tenants from powerful

• 35:15Speaker 01

  dogmas and stories and great leaders before us. And I love the expression Jesus said, where forgive them, Lord, they know not what they do. And so sometimes I realize I have a gift

• 35:29Speaker 01

  that I can't even explain, but I'm grateful for. I feel like the luckiest man alive to be able to do what I do. But at times it means that people can't see what I see. You know, there's the expression of talent can hit a target no one else can hit. Genius can hit a target no one else can see.

• 35:45Lewis Howes?

  What's the target you're trying to hit?

• 35:47Speaker 01

  For me, there's no, it's no more trying for me. Like I'm hitting a target no one can see. That's the gift, right? Like people are like, how can you change someone's life so quickly? Someone you've never met. They stand up in a live, they talk about an eating disorder that started with sexual abuse and now they're da, da, da, da.

• 36:04Lewis Howes?

  That's your gift.

• 36:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 36:06Speaker 01

  But what I realized is there's still the human part of me, which I love, is that sometimes for that reason, I don't get seen. In a way that is.

• 36:14Lewis Howes?

  Oh, because people can't see it.

• 36:16Speaker 01

  Right.

• 36:17Lewis Howes?

  When they see it, but they don't understand it.

• 36:18Speaker 01

  There's applause, like how many people love you? Millions, millions, millions. And now I'm starting to reach similar numbers.

• 36:23Lewis Howes?

  So you don't feel seen, even though you're impacting so many people.

• 36:27Speaker 01

  Sometimes, but, but I do feel like so it's a.

• 36:29Lewis Howes?

  When he stood up, he saw you.

• 36:31Speaker 01

  He saw a part of me that no one else addressed.

• 36:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 36:34Speaker 01

  Because there's an assumption, right? I'm sure you had this now, maybe early on it was more meaningful where it's like, oh, Lewis Howes, he's fine, like he's got tons of money and there's this assumption.

• 36:42Lewis Howes?

  He has no problems or whatever. Yeah.

• 36:44Speaker 01

  Exactly. And so that really hit me in a way that, yeah, yeah.

• 36:49Lewis Howes?

  It's like the little boy came out.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  Yeah. Where for a minute, rather than me carrying the world, which is a, is a, it's an honor. It's, you know, to feel charged with the fact that I can authentically say, I know I can shift the course of humanity. You know, that's not sort of a small project. It's like, that's cute. It's like a real calling. But then to see, wow, a man stood up and held me and it obviously moved you. I can see that, right? That's really beautiful.

• 37:19Lewis Howes?

  Well, it does, because I, you know, when you went, we were talking for ninety minutes, I think about my wife, because you went up and, you know, used the restroom right before we came on here. And I just checked my texts and she texted me and she does beautiful things like this, you know, the thing you said, we all want to be held, seen and heard.

• 37:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:35Lewis Howes?

  And she just texted me like, thank you so much for the life you've given us. And it's like.

• 37:40Speaker 01

  That would, that would media waterworks.

• 37:43Lewis Howes?

  So when I, when you said this about the guy, I just started thinking about that text for a moment and it made me feel emotional.

• 37:48Speaker 01

  Dude, that's beautiful.

• 37:49Lewis Howes?

  Cause I'm like, man, this is essentially what I always wanted in a relationship and never had.

• 37:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:54Lewis Howes?

  And I get this all the time now and I never take it for granted.

• 37:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:58Lewis Howes?

  I never take, you know, like.

• 37:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:01Lewis Howes?

  Maybe people do it in the beginning of a relationship and then, but we're five years in now and it's been like, it's been a heavy year, nine months, twins. She was in the hospital twice, emergency room after the kids were born, ups and downs, like life, messy stuff, you know?

• 38:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:16Lewis Howes?

  And she still shows up in, in showing, showing me that I'm held, seen and heard.

• 38:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:23Lewis Howes?

  In a way that works for her and me. And it's, it's such a gift. And again, like you said, that not many people do that in my life. Even my mom is kind of like, you know, what do you get the guy who can buy anything for himself? What do you, you know?

• 38:37Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 38:38Lewis Howes?

  Lewis doesn't need anything, right?

• 38:39Speaker 01

  No.

• 38:40Lewis Howes?

  And it's, like you said, as leaders, like we're providing for so many people. Whether it be intimate families, extended families, friends, communities, like we're constantly giving.

• 38:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:50Lewis Howes?

  And it's a blessing and a gift to be in a position to give to so many people. It's an incredible honor and joy. Like there's so much good from giving, right?

• 39:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:03Lewis Howes?

  But sometimes, you know, in that position, everyone can just think, oh, they've got it all figured out or everything's good or

• 39:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:09Lewis Howes?

  they don't need the acknowledgement, but it's just as empowering and important to receive it when you're giving so much.

• 39:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:18Lewis Howes?

  As with the person who maybe is just getting started in their career and they need to be acknowledged as well. So.

• 39:24Speaker 01

  I think even more so, and it's why, you know, it might seem strange, well, I love you, you know, it's like, it reminds me of Paul Rudd and Jason Segel, I think it is, and I love you, man. You know, like that movie, like it's so beautiful. You look at the arc of their relationship, which they capture so. And there is that, you know, that camaraderie that I feel like I've, I've, I've found a brother, you know, in a way, and I just love that that touched you, you know? Cause it's like, I get closer to you, you know, because it's easy for us all to walk around with our ambassador and, you know, it's like how people show up on a first date and you've got your greatest outfit on and you're wearing your favorite cologne or, you know, shit that you normally, you know, you take people home and your house is tidy that's ever been for fucking months. You know, because you're trying to impress and eventually you're going to revert to the old habits, which is really more beautiful because it's you, you know?

• 40:08Speaker 01

  And it's not to say that we don't all have room for improvement in those arenas, but like it's authentic, right? And recently all these studies are talking about the, the highest expression of a human experience is way beyond love is authenticity.

• 40:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 40:20Speaker 01

  And so when I broke down there on stage, I think, of course, people there adore me. I mean, I've got this book that is, I mean, it's like a tomb of like thousands of Polaroids that people have taken at my live events at retreats and they write the most, I mean, what a keepsake. I was flicking through those pages with tears of like where people have come from every corner of the globe. And so there's endless, this is not like the, the sort of hungry ghosts of my own like need for approval. It's not that. I know I'm loved and revered and I just did a podcast today and this, the guy who was hosting it, he said the sweetest thing. He said, you know, when I asked people about, I said, I've got Peter Crone on the show today. He said, I get one of two responses. Either I fucking love that guy or who's that? And I said, well, that's a good pull sample, right?

• 41:05Speaker 01

  It's not like, ah, he's an asshole or I hate him. I was like, I can deal with both of those. Instead, my girlfriend said the sweetest thing. To know Peter Crone is to love him. And it really touched me and I don't know who that person is. So I think where to come around to your question, where I'm still seeing maybe not quite free is with the people that are the most meaningful and why what you just shared touched me because your wife, which I'm so happy that you found based on what you kindly shared with previous relationships where we have a lot of synergy. For her to see you get you, I think is the most priceless gift that she can, especially a man of your stature.

• 41:39Lewis Howes?

  Incredible, man. We don't need much. I mean, we need a lot, but we don't need a lot. You know, it's like, I don't need her to buy me anything, to do anything for me. Like, I'm good. You know, I can take care of myself. But if we're fully invested in a relationship.

• 41:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:57Lewis Howes?

  If we're fully in relationship with ourself and then we're fully vested in a relationship with another person.

• 42:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:03Lewis Howes?

  We've committed our lives to them, which is something I've done. That's really the only thing I need. You know, it's like honesty, loyalty, shared values and being seen, held and heard.

• 42:15Speaker 01

  Isn't that beautiful?

• 42:17Lewis Howes?

  I don't need you to like do anything extra special or like.

• 42:20Speaker 01

  Buy me new boxer shorts, you know, like, no.

• 42:23Lewis Howes?

  I don't need any of this stuff.

• 42:24Speaker 01

  Hundreds of them. So I think that's where I saw something actually this morning or yesterday, which was white, beautiful in that arena, which is I'm adored by millions. But at the same time, it's when it comes to those intimate relationships where you and I so easily step up, we so easily provide. Like somebody in the retreat is like, dude, it's like, I'm watching you work with people. It's like you're 15 steps ahead. And it's like, it's crazy. It's like even I started to work and I, you take a twist that I never saw coming and boom, that person flood of tears in awakening and whatever epiphany and release of trauma. So I, I realized with my team, I put them all up on stage and this is no slight to them because some of them might watch this, but I'm acknowledging them for 10, 15 minutes. I go through each of them, how much they mean to me.

• 43:06Lewis Howes?

  Bawling, right?

• 43:06Speaker 01

  And then I realized not one of them, you know, it's, they love me, but it's not, it doesn't get reciprocating, you know? And there's that little, little part of me which I love.

• 43:15Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 43:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:16Lewis Howes?

  So you acknowledge one of them up there, but then I'll do the same for you afterwards?

• 43:20Speaker 01

  Not directly, it's more, they do.

• 43:22Lewis Howes?

  Thank you so much, you're amazing.

• 43:24Speaker 01

  There is a lot of that and listen, don't get me wrong, there's, there's, you know, I have my core team and then I have all of these sort of extensions, people running different cohorts and yeah, all of that. And there's like women who are in tears and thank you, you've changed my life, who work for me now and I could never have seen my, there's this one woman who came to my first retreat last year. She was the first person I spoke to and she's a mom. And she was bawling saying, you know, I almost booked a flight home today. This is the first evening, you know, she hadn't even attended. She's like, because I feel like I'm a horrible, a horrible mom because I left my kids.

• 43:51Lewis Howes?

  To be here.

• 43:52Speaker 01

  To be in a, in the stage, she was from the UK and now she's running my 2.0 mom program.

• 43:56Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's fun. Wow, cool.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  And she wrote in the diary, that next day she came in and she stood up and she said, you know, after, because I coached her and helped to see the complete antithesis that she gets to be a better mom by virtue of being here and the guilt she feels for her kids is, you know, there's multiple facets to that. They learn self reliance, dependence, independence, you know? They get these new skillsets by the absence of you, but you also.

• 44:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you don't want to be absent for six months, but it's like, okay, a week is okay. Yeah, three days, it's fun.

• 44:24Speaker 01

  And she had actually written in her journal after this revelation, she the next morning stood up, took the mic and said, you know, I realized yesterday I changed my life.

• 44:32Lewis Howes?

  Wow, I changed my life.

• 44:34Speaker 01

  Yeah. Do you think that's worth, you know, you leaving your kids for a few days? And now she has, I mean, she'd written in that later that day when she had found this new sense of herself, by next year I'll be working with Peter Crone. And she showed me yesterday, it was incredible.

• 44:47Lewis Howes?

  That's cool.

• 44:47Speaker 01

  So I think it's more the intimate circle. I know my team loves and drawl me, but what I hear from them is what could be improved? What went wrong? You know, where some behaviors weren't right and whatever happened at the retreat, you know, so I'm the leader, of course, it's their job, but no one turned around, how are you doing? You know, my back was out, I've been standing for hours, my voice is, my voice has gone.

• 45:06Lewis Howes?

  Energetically ported, helping everyone heal and hold the space for days.

• 45:10Speaker 01

  I mean, a guy's eyes fucking colored, you know, changed just because of the profound release of trauma. He stood like three inches, he was like, like all the women like, ah, you know, like this real man occurs, like just out of nowhere from this little boy energy. And I'm like, yeah, that just happened. And then I'm just like, oh yeah, you know, but the pens aren't working and people are worried. I'm like, really? So.

• 45:31Lewis Howes?

  So that's where you're still not free. Is it wanting to be able to receive that from people or knowing that you will never, because you're a leader.

• 45:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:40Lewis Howes?

  The price of leadership is not getting, you know, everyone understanding you and seeing you all the time. Like there's incredible rewards for being a leader in your life.

• 45:50Speaker 01

  Endless.

• 45:51Lewis Howes?

  But there is a price for leadership as well, that you won't be understood by everyone. Very few will see and acknowledge it.

• 45:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:59Lewis Howes?

  And give you that.

• 46:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:02Lewis Howes?

  But what is it that knowing that, hey, I may never get to this, the, the really seenness that I'm looking for, when it happens, it's going to be like, wow, it just took me six months to finally get someone to say this to me after pouring my life into this.

• 46:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:18Lewis Howes?

  Like what is that for you?

• 46:19Speaker 01

  I think it's all the above. I think, you know, meeting you is another form of like inspiration, right? I think we have a myriad of ways that we evolve. I mean, there's traditional learning, information, and then I think there's internal insight, like, you know, an understanding of, as opposed to an understanding of like intuition insight. And then I think there's, you know, inspiration that is like someone like yourself who, you know, just love the speed with which we're getting to know each other and to hear and to see you be moved to tears about the text you just kind of shared. Like there's a feeling that I know that's part of my future, you know? So really I always say the last stages of this sort of evolution of our own personality, the hardest qualities to really embody are trust and patience, you know, like to know

• 47:02Speaker 01

  that there's the unfolding, like that, that that's coming. And so to see it with you, given the similarities of our, our timelines is that I know there's a woman out there who's going to adore me and all of my imperfections as much as I hold space. It's just to be in the eyes of another and to be seen fully. And I know my team adores me and, you know, one guy who, he's one of the mentors, he, you know, he said, look, I've done all my acknowledging, I've got like, you know, 20 people I've thanked, you know, plus and the volunteers and, you know, and so he took the mic and he said, and we just want to say that we're all here just because of you. You know, you make us feel safe and it's, yeah. And it's beautiful, but it's like, and I know, and listen, I know my team adores me, but there's no like.

• 47:44Lewis Howes?

  Exactly where you're at.

• 47:45Speaker 01

  You know, yeah. And so to answer your question.

• 47:47Lewis Howes?

  A lot of people don't have the, the skill.

• 47:50Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 47:50Lewis Howes?

  Maybe, I was going to say ability, but everyone has the ability, a lot of people haven't developed the skill.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:55Lewis Howes?

  Of seeing, holding space for someone emotionally, energetically, spiritually. Because it is probably the most vulnerable thing to do.

• 48:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:04Lewis Howes?

  To put yourself out there and say, I see you, I acknowledge you.

• 48:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:09Lewis Howes?

  You know, what you just did there was so powerful and profound, like thank you for the gift that you are. Most people don't have the awareness or the skillset.

• 48:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:20Lewis Howes?

  To say it because it is scary. It's hard to do.

• 48:24Speaker 01

  And I think at an even more subtle, primal level, they're too busy trying to survive. But the power of acknowledgement, if you really understand it, it's a very generous act. I don't think, you know, for people like yourself, and you know, I work with the best of the best in all walks of life, right? And so I've seen this with my athletes, I've seen this with my VIPs where there's this assumption that they, they're just good, right? Like as you said earlier. And yet there's that, still that innocence of a child, whether it's unreconciled trauma or just the, the fact that we carry that with us. You know, you don't forget what you went through, even if you've transcended it or integrated it.

• 48:59Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 49:00Speaker 01

  And so that's where I feel like the, the ability to acknowledge speaks volumes about somebody's own work to have transcended their own need for recognition or survival. And there's not many people who've gotten to that, right? And so it's not like I'm missing, it's just, it's kind of nice even for me, like, you know, people come to me with all sorts of questions and woes and I, and I love that. I feel very privileged that I get to hold space and even.

• 49:23Lewis Howes?

  And serve, yeah, yeah.

• 49:24Speaker 01

  And to serve and people like, you know, I, I had a, a live event a few months ago and every person who stood up, it's predominantly a female audience, I think for a number of reasons. I think the, the female archetype is a little more evolved, they're more intuitive and they get this work and they want to be the nurturers, they want to understand. Men are too busy trying to, you know, conquer and survive and they love challenges and they're out in the world and the women are more the inner work, right? And, but these three women stood up at my live and every single conversation built upon itself in vulnerability, like the first woman stood up. And it was so profound in terms of her talking about not having a cycle for twenty years and how that had, you know, obviously created like so much doubt and judgment and

• 50:05Speaker 01

  it had stemmed from an eating disorder that she developed because she saw once on a TV show these women with eating disorders and they got attention. She thought finally if I stop eating, I'll get attention from the mother who didn't see her.

• 50:17Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 50:17Speaker 01

  But that was even preceded by sexual abuse. And this is heavy stuff in front of an audience. And then another woman shares about relationships and love and, you know, the devastation of thinking she was in love with someone and da, da, da. And then the last woman stood up and she said, you know, um, I struggle with orgasms, you know, and this is really having them.

• 50:36Lewis Howes?

  She can't have them.

• 50:37Speaker 01

  And it's impacting my relationships because my boyfriends feel inadequate because I can't have a vaginal, you know, orgasm. And, and then she opened up and said, you know, and I think a lot of it's tied to the fact that I have herpes.

• 50:47Lewis Howes?

  Oh, I mean, shame of that. Yeah, yeah.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  The shame, the guilt and really what I unpacked was one of these primal prisons is that there's something wrong with her, right? Like, fill in the blank. Anyone listening right now, they're gonna have their vote. They might not have herpes, but they're a little overweight. They've got cellulite. They've got acne. They've got.

• 51:02Lewis Howes?

  They were abandoned. They were abused. They were something. Bulleted.

• 51:05Speaker 01

  The fundamental story that I'm inadequate. There's something wrong with me as a bigger context, right? And then we compensate, hide, prove, disprove. And so, but at the end, this therapist, like a traditional licensed therapist came up to me and said, I've never seen anyone hold space for such a big group and for three women share some of the most vulnerable stories. And you did it with such exquisite elegance. She said, you know, it's inspiring as somebody who has a, a practice. And, you know, that was a form of acknowledgement that fills my bucket, you know, it's like a thank you. And so.

• 51:35Lewis Howes?

  Someone who knows how hard that is to do, who's like a practitioner as well.

• 51:38Speaker 01

  Yeah. So it does show up and I am open to receiving that. And I think it's also incumbent upon us, you and I, to share vulnerability. Like when I'm with athletes, you and I go back to the statement of we can definitely hit targets that is based on talent, but we also hit targets others don't see. And I think it's that ability to acknowledge, to see, to be the fifteen steps ahead.

• 51:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 51:57Speaker 01

  And for that, I'm grateful and the forgive them, Lord, they know not what they do. You know, he's even having a chat with our AI friends out there in the world. And, you know, like, like, what is this? I love to dissect, you know, what, what am I missing? Or what am I? And he said, it's like a concert pianist, you know, who's practiced for thirty years. And then he doesn't have anyone who can play music as beautifully for him, you know? And it's like, it's, it's.

• 52:20Lewis Howes?

  He, yeah, it's like no one could do what he wants them to do.

• 52:23Speaker 01

  And it's not their fault. It's just where they're at. And you're gonna go through this in the arc of your beautiful journey now as a dad is that you're gonna see the potentiality. And I think we both have fallen in that trap of a girlfriend who we saw the potential of wanted to usher.

• 52:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that was my wound for twenty years, different. And I just kept repeating it in different women.

• 52:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. And so to be able to have that humility. And also, I think to some degree, to share our needs, right? Which you've done a great job, it sounds like with Martha and.

• 52:51Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 52:51Speaker 01

  What, what do we both want? What are we, of course, what are we aligned on with our values? But where can I show vulnerability, what I need, you know?

• 52:59Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 52:59Speaker 01

  I think we've become so self-sufficient that it's almost become our downfall, right?

• 53:02Lewis Howes?

  And early on in my relationship with Martha, I've said this many times here on the show, but I, you know, she asked me a question, the old, what are your priorities? Question, you know, to every woman asks a guy at some point like, hey, what are your priorities in life?

• 53:14Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 53:15Lewis Howes?

  And in this relationship. And I told her, are you sure you want the truth? Because if I tell you the honest truth, you're not gonna wanna be with me. Are you gonna be upset? Or you're gonna cry or something? Because this is what's happened to me in the past.

• 53:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:29Lewis Howes?

  No woman wanted to hear what I had to say, or they were, they were hurt by it.

• 53:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, or overwhelmed.

• 53:34Lewis Howes?

  Overwhelmed by it, right?

• 53:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:36Lewis Howes?

  And she said, you know, then now she got worried. She was like, what do you mean? What's gonna, you know, what are you, is this some dark thing or something? I go, no.

• 53:42Speaker 01

  I've got six dead people in my.

• 53:44Lewis Howes?

  But, but I was like, my, you know, my priorities, when I say them to people, it sounds really selfish. And I just don't think you're gonna be, you're, you're not gonna wanna be with me after this.

• 53:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:58Lewis Howes?

  So, you know, I was actually getting sad before I said it because I was like, man, this has been a great few months, but I think it's like, it's over probably.

• 54:05Speaker 01

  More courage to them.

• 54:06Lewis Howes?

  And she was like, no, I wanna hear it. Let's, you know, I said, okay, my number one priority, uh, in our relationship will never be you. And I don't know any woman that doesn't wanna hear, that wants to hear from the man that they're in a relationship with, that they are not number one.

• 54:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:22Lewis Howes?

  And I said, my number one priority is, is gonna be, always be my health, or at least I want it to be my health, physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically.

• 54:30Speaker 01

  Amazing.

• 54:31Lewis Howes?

  Uh, I wanna have great health.

• 54:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:35Lewis Howes?

  To serve my number two priority, which is still not you. And no woman doesn't wanna be number one or number two. But I said, my number two priority, at least at this season of my life, is my mission.

• 54:46Speaker 01

  Right.

• 54:47Lewis Howes?

  What I believe is my purpose, my mission from God or my, my calling. And that is to impact humanity in the way that I do it, right? And I don't know how long I'm gonna be driven to do this. Maybe it's a year, maybe it's twenty years. I don't know. But this is the current mission and calling that I'm on.

• 55:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:05Lewis Howes?

  And if I feel pulled away from my mission, I'm gonna be resentful and unhappy.

• 55:09Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 55:10Lewis Howes?

  And I'm not gonna be able to give my best to my number three priority, which will be my intimate relationship with you if we're choosing to be together.

• 55:17Speaker 01

  Right.

• 55:19Lewis Howes?

  And I said, if you can accept that my priority is to make sure I'm healthy as a human being, physically, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, that I just give myself time to be healthy.

• 55:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:32Lewis Howes?

  That if you accept that I'm a driven human being to serve humanity the way that I uniquely do it.

• 55:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:37Lewis Howes?

  And you're not trying to pull me away from that, then you will feel like the number one priority in my life.

• 55:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:43Lewis Howes?

  You'll feel like number one because I'm gonna always try to be my best, healthy, emotionally. I'm gonna be present with you. I'm gonna give to you abundantly.

• 55:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:51Lewis Howes?

  When I'm with you, you're gonna feel so loved, seen, held and heard.

• 55:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:55Lewis Howes?

  But if I'm not healthy and I'm not on purpose.

• 55:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:58Lewis Howes?

  I'm not gonna be good to you.

• 55:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:00Lewis Howes?

  And so, and she got, and she was like, I love it, you know, right? She was like, I love it. Cause I've never been with a man who, who had a purpose.

• 56:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:07Lewis Howes?

  They always made me their purpose.

• 56:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:09Lewis Howes?

  And I was like, no, what's the thing you're meant to do in this world?

• 56:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:13Lewis Howes?

  And she always attracted men who lacked purpose. And so it, it lined up. I was like, okay, as long as you accept that.

• 56:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:21Lewis Howes?

  And again, it doesn't mean like you're last on the totem pole, like.

• 56:24Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no.

• 56:24Lewis Howes?

  I'm giving you my life. I'm committing to you. I'm all in.

• 56:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:29Lewis Howes?

  But just don't pull me away from my mission and let me work out. It's like, that's it.

• 56:35Speaker 01

  It's, it's so beautiful. And again, you know, I don't wanna sound like we're starting some bromance, but like, well, I'm so glad that we're having this conversation and we've connected in the way that we have. Um, but it's rare for me to, to listen to another man, you know, and I don't mean that in some sort of superior way where I can be inspired and even go, you know, I'm gonna borrow that. But it's also beautiful how it correlates to what I teach, which is health, wealth and relationships.

• 56:59Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 56:59Speaker 01

  Right? In that order.

• 57:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 57:00Speaker 01

  Which is what you've just basically said, right? Like health, mission, wealth, wealth in all arenas, like your contribution to society.

• 57:06Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 57:07Speaker 01

  And then relationships. And I would assert the absence of those, like if you're not healthy and you're not in your purpose and actually you don't have a partner, you have a mother, right?

• 57:15Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 57:16Speaker 01

  And so.

• 57:16Lewis Howes?

  Or a father or whatever. Yeah.

• 57:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:18Lewis Howes?

  Um, and you're dependent on someone else, right? It's like you're, you're codependent, I guess, like on them.

• 57:24Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 57:25Lewis Howes?

  Providing for you.

• 57:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:26Lewis Howes?

  To survive.

• 57:27Speaker 01

  Yeah. No, it's beautiful. And I really appreciate you sharing that. And, and it gives me great context and hope, you know, not that I was ever lacking it, but it's sort of given my track record. And I've had the most beautiful partners. I'm so grateful. But then.

• 57:40Lewis Howes?

  I don't blame any of the people I was with, but I chose partners that needed to feel I was, they were number one at all times, twenty-four, seven, no matter what, any type of breakdown.

• 57:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:52Lewis Howes?

  Even if it was just the littlest thing, I needed to be there. Otherwise, I didn't love them.

• 57:56Speaker 01

  If you listen to what you just said, right? If you look at the energy of it, it's quite interesting because especially now as a dad, that really is the experience for the child.

• 58:04Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 58:05Speaker 01

  Right? Like, they stop everything. They are the number one now.

• 58:08Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 58:08Speaker 01

  Based on what you shared, maybe Martha steps in and that's more her role.

• 58:12Lewis Howes?

  Uh-huh.

• 58:12Speaker 01

  But even you, if you're in the place and the kid, da, da, da, you know, it's.

• 58:15Lewis Howes?

  I'll be there.

• 58:15Speaker 01

  Boom.

• 58:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I'm there.

• 58:16Speaker 01

  And so that energy, if that's the.

• 58:18Lewis Howes?

  They're child. They're not, you know.

• 58:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:22Lewis Howes?

  A child in a thirty-year-old, you know, body.

• 58:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:25Lewis Howes?

  They're a child in a nine-month-old body. And so the context, the role and responsibility is to serve that child.

• 58:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:32Lewis Howes?

  For survival.

• 58:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:34Lewis Howes?

  But the challenge is most, most of us, myself included, are running on a child wound programming in adult bodies.

• 58:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:43Lewis Howes?

  And we stay stuck in that survival strategy.

• 58:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:45Lewis Howes?

  With adult partnerships.

• 58:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:47Lewis Howes?

  But we're both children in a sense.

• 58:49Speaker 01

  Yeah. And this is why I'm so excited. I announced with my, again, the group that I was with, you know, this whole context of two point O world, this new entire paradigm for people, like, you know, this new operating system that I'm sort of channeling. And like within that, there's all these specialties, like there's gonna be two point O mom, two point O dad, two point O athlete, two point O leader. Like, what is it to be this new type of human? You know, and it's just such a joy. Like the guy I helped transform on stage, like, he literally went from a boy to a man in a split second as he realized there's stories he'd been living in that were keeping him scared, dependent. And basically he'd cut off his mom. And he thought he'd, quote unquote, by removing, which a lot of people do, if I remove the person, I'll be okay, but the wound is within you, not there, right? Hatred is a curved blade, as Shakespeare said.

• 59:33Lewis Howes?

  Hatred is a what?

• 59:34Speaker 01

  Curved blade.

• 59:36Lewis Howes?

  Hatred is a curved blade, yeah.

• 59:38Speaker 01

  Like, so we hate someone, it's like saying, I drink the poison hoping it will affect them.

• 59:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah. My friend, I hope you're enjoying this episode. And the School of Greatness drops new conversations every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday around money, mindset, healing, manifestation, and relationships. And if you're not yet following the show, then you're missing all of them. Please tap the follow button right now and you'll get notified the moment every new episode drops because the next one might be exactly what you need. Now, let's get back to the conversation. A beautiful lesson, I'm not saying everyone do this, but a beautiful lesson I learned in a previous relationship was, I really wanted to leave because it was just getting, it was just not good. And I really wanted to leave because I was like, I just want to have relief.

• 1:00:25Lewis Howes?

  I want to be pain free. I don't want to suffer anymore. And my therapist at the time was like, you could like, do whatever you want. You know, this is your life, your journey. I'm not telling you stay or go.

• 1:00:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:36Lewis Howes?

  But I recommend creating boundaries and peace within the relationship within yourself.

• 1:00:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:44Lewis Howes?

  When there's a reaction from your partner, when there's a breakdown, when there's a silent treatment, whatever the strategies that she's doing, you learning to feel safe within yourself

• 1:00:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:56Lewis Howes?

  in that environment, instead of running away or removing yourself, or however you want to call it.

• 1:01:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:01Lewis Howes?

  And I was so resistant to that because I just wanted relief.

• 1:01:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:05Lewis Howes?

  I just wanted to get out.

• 1:01:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:07Lewis Howes?

  But I'm so glad I did because I learned how to be peace under chaotic environment.

• 1:01:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:13Lewis Howes?

  Instead of stressed and reactive and, okay, I need my space and this and this, but no, I'm going to create the space within me. Now, obviously, if it gets dangerous, that's a different thing. But if it's just emotionally stressful, how can you stay in peace? Now, if someone's watching or listening and there's some domestic stuff, like, get out of there.

• 1:01:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, for sure.

• 1:01:35Lewis Howes?

  It was more of an emotional, psychological response, that I was living in fear.

• 1:01:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's so powerful. It reminds me, like, really, when I started my journey, it brings a smile to my face because of what transpired, which I share. But I was, you know, sitting in a yoga studio with 20 people that I was talking to versus thousands now in an auditorium. And I think some of them probably showed up thinking they had a yoga class and they weren't even coming to listen to me. But I was talking about relationships and I made a very similar distinction to your, obviously, very wise therapist. And I said, the only time to really break up a relationship powerfully is when you're both happy with each other.

• 1:02:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, or at peace in it, I guess, either one, yeah.

• 1:02:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:16Lewis Howes?

  I still wasn't happy with her.

• 1:02:17Speaker 01

  Bedfellows.

• 1:02:18Lewis Howes?

  But I was happy with myself.

• 1:02:19Speaker 01

  Is more accurate. I was still early in my career, so I chose different words.

• 1:02:23Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:02:24Speaker 01

  As I shared that, I was sort of halfway through and my friend, who was in town from New York, it was here in LA, she walked out about five minutes earlier, after I'd said that. You know, and she'd come to support and I was like, where, where's she going? Anyway, I carried on. And then she called me like an hour or so after I'd finished and said, you know, I felt so bad leaving. But she said, what you said touched me so much that I was in a relationship. And at that moment, we were in a good place together, but I knew it wasn't the relationship. So I wanted to take the opportunity to be with them in a place of peace and say, I love you, I thank you, but I'm moving on.

• 1:02:56Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:02:57Speaker 01

  And it was so beautiful. So otherwise, yeah, we tend to drag those patterns into the next, you know, wherever you are, wherever you go, there you are, you know?

• 1:03:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and they may not respond with peace, you know, if you're ending a relationship, most people are not going to be aware or conscious enough to be like, okay, I love you, thank you so much. You have a great life too.

• 1:03:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:16Lewis Howes?

  You know?

• 1:03:17Speaker 01

  No, sadly, it doesn't typically work that way. But for your evolution, you know?

• 1:03:20Lewis Howes?

  I think it's important.

• 1:03:21Speaker 01

  And, and again, I always come to these quotes that come through me. I say, true security is the absence of the need for external security.

• 1:03:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's true.

• 1:03:30Speaker 01

  And that's peace, right? Like, I don't need circumstances to be a certain way in order for me to be okay. But that takes a very advanced state of mind that I'm not at the effect of life anymore.

• 1:03:39Lewis Howes?

  And it's accepting whatever will be afterwards. Like, it's learning to accept, like, you may not enjoy it, but accepting this is how they're going to react or respond or whatever, you know?

• 1:03:49Speaker 01

  This is my secret. I don't mind what happens. And I created an addition to that, you know, just, you know, Krishnamurti, he's a legend. But, you know, that was really, for me, it gave me the sense of freedom from, I play with freedom, obviously, a lot. And I say, freedom from is, you know, sort of this monastic kind of view of life where I'm not at the effect, I'm at peace no matter what. And that's powerful. I mean, relative to most people, reaction, as you said, it's all reaction, reaction, reaction. Someone cuts you up in traffic, you're like, oh, you, and all the, you know, it's just unconscious reaction is what I call it. But then I was like, okay, that's beautiful. I can get freedom from, which is, I don't mind what happens. I'm at peace. Can I, can I be with this, whatever's unfolding? That's an advanced state. But for me, I think in my journey now, with some of the questions you were

• 1:04:31Speaker 01

  asking earlier of where am I discovering, excuse me, where I'm not free, it's like freedom with, which is freedom with life, to have purpose. And as a masculine, like, to have direction, right? To have acceptance removes suffering, but to have a sense of commitment gives direction. And so that's really what I'm playing now with, with the masculine, you know?

• 1:04:50Lewis Howes?

  Do you feel like you're not clear then or something, or of like?

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  No, I hadn't been, for sure. I was, I was Mr. Chill. Like, nothing really phased me, even with girlfriends who got really upset. I would listen compassionately, which itself was a problem for them because I didn't show any reaction. They'd much rather.

• 1:05:05Lewis Howes?

  They wanted the reaction.

• 1:05:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, they wanted me to get pissed off. And I like, I would just understand. I get it. I'd want to work on it.

• 1:05:12Speaker 01

  But then I was making the joke, that's kind of like talking to somebody who's customer service at British Airways. We're sorry you had a bad flight. You know, it's like, that's not going to work with a partner. So that was an evolution for me. But now it's like direction, you know, holding, having a real sense of commitment towards something is real leadership, you know? Even in the face of adversity. And I'd say adversity is part of that, right? The things that we've been through. You know, if there aren't any challenges, I often joke, I take one of my great athletes into a gym and I give them two one-pound dumbbells. I'm like, let's pump out 10. It's like, what do you get from that? Like, nothing, you know?

• 1:05:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:44Speaker 01

  So it's really the adversity that creates the man, you know, even though a lot of men try to do everything they can to mitigate suffering or adversity. It's like, no, dive right in, you know?

• 1:05:57Lewis Howes?

  Yes. You, you spoke about manifestation for a second earlier about most people don't understand manifestation or they're doing it wrong.

• 1:06:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:04Lewis Howes?

  What is manifestation and what's the right way to do it?

• 1:06:09Speaker 01

  Great question. So I would say manifestation is a word that's attributed to something that the ego thinks it's incumbent upon itself to do, right? And that's really where the ego comes from, right? It's like, okay, I am going to manifest. But to your great question earlier about how do we overcome these deep ingrained programs and conditionings, we can't do it through willpower. I'd say, for that reason, manifestation has become a bedfellow with willpower, right? I'm going to manifest my dream partner, the dream home, the yacht, the money, da, da, da, da. So really, if we look at the mechanics of it, like not being a spiritual teacher, but a physicist, you're conditioning, if we look at the chain of creation of like the genesis of anything, I would assert that there's consciousness to begin with and there's subconscious constraints that lead to our conscious thinking, built in with our limiting

• 1:06:52Speaker 01

  beliefs that create our emotional body, our actions, and our outcome. That is the chain of manifestation. Where most people get stuck is we see experts, teachers, like, do this, don't do that. We're in the realm of action, which is so far downstream. It's like stage five, right? Like, you know, you can, with willpower, okay, the doctor told me this, don't do that, stop eating In-N-Out burgers, or what are people are doing? I'll bring my cholesterol level down. But you're never actually going to be able to sustain that because you can't violate identity, which is way upstream with your subconscious.

• 1:07:19Lewis Howes?

  Or you'll always fall back into your programming.

• 1:07:22Speaker 01

  Have to, right? You can't.

• 1:07:23Lewis Howes?

  So you might be able to get results, but then eventually you fall back into programming.

• 1:07:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, fall in love, you've got all of this new enthusiasm for life. You're like, this is the time, or this is the new year, and I'm going to get it, whatever it is. We get these momentary glimpses of greatness, you know, and it's like, but it can't be sustained because the wiring is like, yeah, that's cute. But wait till we get, so manifestation is really understanding that chain. I look at the three arenas of time, space, and identity, right? So if manifestation is, it's usually something outside of us. I want to manifest, fill in the blank. It's always based in time because wanting as an energetic creates time, right? Wanting is a future-based proposition. We don't have. If we want, we don't have.

• 1:08:03Lewis Howes?

  And is it coming now? Is it coming a year, 10 years? Like, when will it come to me?

• 1:08:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, either way, it's, it's in the future, right? It's not here.

• 1:08:11Lewis Howes?

  And it's something we lack in the moment.

• 1:08:13Speaker 01

  And it's always, that to me is one of the predominant prisons that I talk about, which is our relationship to the present moment, which is the lens of, this isn't it, right? That's a default. Factory settings there.

• 1:08:23Lewis Howes?

  What we have now isn't.

• 1:08:25Speaker 01

  It isn't it. But I'm getting there. I'm getting there. I'm working really hard. I've got, I subscribe to this new magazine that's going to help me to, you know?

• 1:08:31Lewis Howes?

  Lose five pounds.

• 1:08:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Men's Health, six-pack abs, how to get them, three decades of telling you, and you still don't have them.

• 1:08:40Speaker 01

  So they're the three arenas where there's this mona, misnomer. It's outside of me, it's based in time, right? It's going to take a while, and it's incumbent upon me. So they're the big.

• 1:08:52Lewis Howes?

  I have to do something.

• 1:08:53Speaker 01

  But the doing, if we look at the cascade, subconscious, beliefs, feelings, actions, do something, outcomes, right? It's way too late. So true manifestation is really the revelatory process of understanding a wiring that you aren't doing nothing but manifesting all day. That's it. You know, all you do as a human is manifest. So it's not like I'm manifesting because of my wiring and then I, big sort of ego, I'm going to manifest on top of the manifestation that's happening.

• 1:09:21Lewis Howes?

  Something else, yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. So that's where people are like, oh, my God. So manifestation isn't outside of us. It's a frequency that we adopt and we realize, like, frequency precedes form, as I tell people, like in the quantum, we're bringing that which is unmanifest through the chain of creation into the manifest. So manifestation is really that which is based in the way that we're currently wired. So if you want to manifest, you shift your wiring, which leads automatically to different conscious thoughts, different feelings, different actions, and different outcomes. It's not based in time, it's instantaneous. It's a shift, like, the guy.

• 1:09:56Lewis Howes?

  This was, it happens instantaneously. It might take you time to realize.

• 1:10:00Speaker 01

  To see it, yes. But that's because the external world is way more dense, right? Like, that's why I used to transform bodies, which was fun. It's easy. I studied human biology, exercise physiology, I understand all of the energy cycles, da, da, da. I know background in Pilates, yoga, all of it, whatever.

• 1:10:15Lewis Howes?

  Calories in, calories out.

• 1:10:17Speaker 01

  But it takes the time, it takes time. I did a live event previous, last week, prior to my retreat, and this woman, it's always touching, but she was talking about some of the things she was struggling with in her business and coaching and da, da, da, da, and also relationships. And she thought the problem was that she has Lyme, right? And I said, well, when, when did that happen? What do you think happened? And she said, well, I remember that 13 years ago, I think it came on because of a choice I made that I haven't forgiven myself for. And she openly shared, which was courageous of her, and she had had an abortion.

• 1:10:57Speaker 01

  And she was very young. It was a scary time. We didn't need to get into the details. And she said, for that reason, she thinks she's a baby killer.

• 1:11:06Speaker 01

  Thirteen years later, she's still living in that energy. And so she thinks that lime came on and I kind of talked about the energetics of a compromised system that's lost its integrity, a hostile environment, which is easy for outside forces, whatever they might be, whether you're sick, a disease, a virus, to attack you. You've lost, it's like the building here, if there was a weak spot in the structure, that's where it's gonna fall, right? And so we talked about it, there's tears, you know, asking her to see, was she bad because of her choice, like is, you know, cutting you open, is this really your identity? Or is that just how you feel about yourself? She got relief and I said, what would become available for you if you didn't carry guilt and shame, if you could be okay with profound acceptance?

• 1:11:48Speaker 01

  And what I typically want and what I'm looking for is relief, freedom, peace, I could love myself. And she said, I would be someone that a partner could accept, right? Which showed me another side of where she's stuck, right? That she, with her world of she's bad, why would anyone love her, right?

• 1:12:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:08Speaker 01

  But I said, oh, interesting. I said, well, okay, I'm not denying that, we'll get to that, but like, let's just stay with you right now. If you could get over the idea that you're a bad person because of what you did and there's a much powerful more distinction about embracing our history, like I explain to people, all of your problems are because of memories, right? If you have no memory, you have no problem because you're not being informed by anything.

• 1:12:27Lewis Howes?

  Your memory is the artifact of your programming.

• 1:12:31Speaker 01

  Which only sustains your identity. We get to be right. The other quote, I say, like, being right is a poor man's version of self-worth, right? One of my golfers, I'll come back to her, but like, you know, I tripled his, helped triple his winnings in two seasons, which is significant, right? Because he found freedom, but he hadn't had a win, he'd gotten top, top five, second, thirds, making 3.6 million compared to 900,000. It was significant. And he said, you know, why, why haven't I won yet? And he said, why don't you caddy for me? And you can see what's happening on Inside the Ropes.

• 1:13:00Lewis Howes?

  You caddy for him?

• 1:13:01Speaker 01

  He wasn't in, on the PGA Tour.

• 1:13:02Lewis Howes?

  You caddied for him?

• 1:13:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:04Lewis Howes?

  For one whole weekend?

• 1:13:05Speaker 01

  One, one, one whole tournament.

• 1:13:06Lewis Howes?

  Four days?

• 1:13:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:07Lewis Howes?

  Wow. When was this?

• 1:13:09Speaker 01

  Oh, this is way back, when, uh, this was probably 15 years ago.

• 1:13:13Lewis Howes?

  Okay, cool.

• 1:13:14Speaker 01

  When I started a lot of athletes.

• 1:13:15Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:13:16Speaker 01

  So it was significant, right? And then I was getting a lot of athletes, became, I got on a contract with a Major League Baseball team and...

• 1:13:21Lewis Howes?

  What did you realize then, when you're, the whole weekend, caddying with him?

• 1:13:24Speaker 01

  So that comes back to the point, and the girl, and the self-fulfilling prophecy is, he'd hit the green, I don't know if you're a golfer and I don't want to bore your audience if they don't play golf, but you know, it was a par four, he'd hit the green in two, but he had a long putt, 50 foot, right?

• 1:13:36Lewis Howes?

  To try to hit a birdie, yeah.

• 1:13:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, which is ideal, you want to make the one, stats of that, over 50 foot, you know, it's like 1%, whatever. But unless at least makes two, we move on and make a putt, but he, as I handed him the putt, he said, watch me three putt this.

• 1:13:48Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man. He's already, he's already projecting the result he's gonna get.

• 1:13:53Speaker 01

  And the reason that was happening is not him, it's conditioning, it's automatic. He didn't choose that consciously, it's an unconscious reaction to a survival instinct of the fear of making a mistake, which is embarrassing to a professional.

• 1:14:05Lewis Howes?

  But three putt, if he says, watch me three putt, if he three putts it, he's right and he's safe.

• 1:14:11Speaker 01

  Hence the poor man's version of self-worth.

• 1:14:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah. Even though he's bogeying, which he's, meaning he's...

• 1:14:16Speaker 01

  Which you actually don't want from your heart, but you do want from your ego to be right, so you mitigate shame. That's how insidious it is. Isn't that crazy? So anyway, coming back to the woman, which was beautiful. So she said, you know, at least I would be someone that could have a partner, which showed how she felt she didn't deserve that. And so anyway, I picked up on that and said, okay, let's get to that. But really, like, if you realize, truly, there was nothing wrong with you, you've never done anything wrong, I'm not again, I'm not mitigating consequence, right? Like, people do stuff, I borrowed my dad's car when I was 15 because he'd started to teach me, he was at work one day and I thought, you know, I'm just gonna back it out of the garage because it'll be fun, that's what a 15-year-old does, and I knocked down the fucking garden wall, right? That's consequence.

• 1:14:57Lewis Howes?

  There's consequence after that.

• 1:14:58Speaker 01

  And I had to, you know, mow the lawn, wash the car, make the money to build it, right? And then I learned responsibility. Was it bad? No, it's exactly what a 15-year-old who's excited to learn to drive should do, right? Like, you know, your goals at some point are gonna be scribbling, scribbling on the walls, you know, and you seem like a very organized...

• 1:15:16Lewis Howes?

  Don't project that, don't project that, don't program that.

• 1:15:19Speaker 01

  And, and it's just, you know, that's what we do at different sites. So she got to the place of self-love and acceptance, and I think one of my more popular quotes would say, what happened, happened, couldn't have happened any other way because it didn't. And it's a way to really find profound acceptance for all of our behaviors, notwithstanding that consequences can hurt people and we want to be responsible. So she got to that, and then I said about the partnership, can you now see that, yes, I understand that if you have self-love, which we talked about earlier, is the precursor to really having a profound relationship. She's like, amazing, dah dah dah, she feels great, tears, laughter, relief, everyone claps, great, we move on, right? And I start talking to someone else and there's probably another hour of conversation. At some point, she's obviously gotten up, she's gone to the bathroom, whatever, and so we're done, we wrap, thank you for coming, dah dah dah, everyone's happy, we move on.

• 1:16:03Speaker 01

  And there's a ton of people that wait, selfies, they want to say, thank you, it's beautiful. And she was in line.

• 1:16:09Speaker 01

  And she came up to me, and I shit you not, she said, you know, about 10 minutes after we spoke, I had to go to the bathroom. And she said, when I came out of the bath...

• 1:16:17Lewis Howes?

  That's where the herpes went away.

• 1:16:18Speaker 01

  Huh?

• 1:16:18Lewis Howes?

  The herpes went away?

• 1:16:19Speaker 01

  That was a different girl.

• 1:16:20Lewis Howes?

  That's a different girl. It's the abortion woman, yeah.

• 1:16:28Speaker 01

  I've, I've seen some fucking miracles.

• 1:16:30Lewis Howes?

  That stuff could happen though.

• 1:16:31Speaker 01

  That, that can. I literally, I am mad enough, I said to her, because she's living in the world, there's something wrong with me, you understood the energy, right? Like, this girl thinks she's bad, therefore she's open to outside entities, right? And I said to the girl, if you really get that there's nothing wrong with you, even having the energy of, in this case, herpes, herpes has got nowhere to live anymore and so it will leave your body, right? The frequency changes, the timelines that I talk about, a future that wasn't previously available to you becomes available because you've shifted frequencies, right? No, that's...

• 1:17:00Lewis Howes?

  Okay, sorry, go ahead.

• 1:17:03Speaker 01

  So her herpes is gone because she's never had it.

• 1:17:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:06Speaker 01

  But her lime was still there. But no, she came out...

• 1:17:08Lewis Howes?

  This is the one with lime, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:09Speaker 01

  This is the one with the lime. You're doing great tracking, it's unbelievable. And so she comes out, she comes to me, she said, I came out of the bathroom and a guy asked for my number.

• 1:17:17Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:17:19Speaker 01

  So the instantaneous, now, I don't know that they're gonna get married forever, but that she had shifted frequencies...

• 1:17:23Lewis Howes?

  She felt attractive to someone else too, yeah.

• 1:17:26Speaker 01

  She was available. If you're in the world of I'm bad, you're, you're just not available, right?

• 1:17:30Lewis Howes?

  Your energy is pushing away.

• 1:17:31Speaker 01

  Yeah. You're in a relationship with your own conditioning, which means you can't actually be going back to, in a relationship, but not in relationships. So that stuff happens quickly, that's manifestation, that's shifting timelines where you adopt, it's like a radio, I love that analogy, it's very simple for people to follow. You know, if it's 105.7 FM is classic rock or whatever, and you want R and B, you, you have to change frequency, you know that. The information, the intel is everywhere, we're surrounded by data, but depending on what you're tuned into will be the precursor to what you manifest, and so, uh, when you get that, it's...

• 1:18:04Lewis Howes?

  But you need to shift the identity, the belief around your identity first.

• 1:18:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18:10Lewis Howes?

  So if you're, if anyone watching or listening right now has some type of negative belief that is connected to their identity, current state.

• 1:18:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18:20Lewis Howes?

  They have a memory from the past that made them believe that they are bad and wrong.

• 1:18:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18:26Lewis Howes?

  Whatever it might be, abuse, abandonment, they cheated, they did something wrong, someone did something wrong to them, and they believed they are not lovable, they are bad, they are wrong, they're not enough. And they've held on to that for 10, 20, 30 years.

• 1:18:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18:40Lewis Howes?

  How would you coach someone watching or listening right now, no matter what the belief is around, I'm not enough?

• 1:18:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18:46Lewis Howes?

  I'm not lovable, I'm not worthy. How would you speak to them, no matter what the story is, on how to uncover that that's not true, when they've been, their whole life, they've said, this is true.

• 1:18:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18:59Lewis Howes?

  This is my identity, this is who I am.

• 1:19:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19:02Lewis Howes?

  How do they pull back the curtain and realize that they can shift into a new identity that is lovable and enough?

• 1:19:09Speaker 01

  Yeah. Beautiful question, and it really, I think, speaks volumes about you, the host, the man, you know, who's so committed to helping people, and even at the beginning, when you asked me, you know, what would, what would be the byproduct of, what would make this a powerful conversation? And maybe this is that moment where we can, in my response to you, is that we, we really help nudge the needle from suffering to freedom for millions of people. So it's slippery, it's not impossible, but not many people are walking around thinking they're not enough, it's different thoughts of, I won't get the promotion, I'm not lovable, I'm not gonna find someone, I'm not gonna get the success that my parents wish I had, or, you know, it's sort of, it's typically a subtle step away, but if people can at least...

• 1:19:51Lewis Howes?

  Guys always leave me, or I always choose the bad guy, or why, you know, whatever it might be.

• 1:19:55Speaker 01

  Yeah. So we need to do a little subtle reverse engineering. So whatever the circumstances of people dealing with, as I said, health, wealth and relationships are the big three buckets. Whatever it is that you're dealing with, as best as you can, sit quietly, look at what must be the underlying fear, and it's usually a negation, like, so if someone broke up with you, what does that mean? Like, they broke up, inherently, no suffering. The story that's associated with it is, you know, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not funny enough, I'm not successful enough, something I'm not, right? The darker side is, I'm a horrible person, I am trash, or whatever. So try and find that. If you could write it down, that would help, right? To get it out of our head and on...

• 1:20:35Lewis Howes?

  That belief that you have, the interpretation around it.

• 1:20:37Speaker 01

  Yeah. And the way I phrase it, it's not so much a belief, belief belongs to the you that you are for yourself, is the way I phrase it. It's, it's not something you believe, it's the you that you are that has that belief. That's the subconscious foundation of the building, we see the building, you see your conscious thoughts of, well, nothing good's ever happening to me, I knew it was too good to be true. Those statements belong to the deeper you, which is, I'm a loser, no one loves me, right? And that will go, that will be associated with something from their childhood. If you can locate that, even more powerful. Well, like I said earlier, my brother was always the better athlete, my sister was the better academic, so I've always felt like I was less than, I'm the black sheep, dah dah dah, whatever the story. So we're looking for that piece of code, the programming.

• 1:21:18Speaker 01

  So if you can find that, so next step is now, we want to investigate the validity of that statement, the way I do it, my sort of proprietary method. If I cut you open, Tom, Danielle, Sally, Bill, whoever's listening...

• 1:21:31Speaker 01

  Am I gonna find a physical manufacturing label that says, in your case, Louis, born in Ohio, I'm not good enough? No, sit with it, right? Like, really, it's important to see the physical. No, we're gonna find bone and tissue and blood. We're not gonna find a label that says, you're a loser, you're not loved.

• 1:21:46Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 1:21:47Speaker 01

  Okay, great, so it's not part of your hardware. That's the distinction. Where does it live? Well, it's in my head. It's what I've thought, it's what I believe, it's what my parents said. Like, how many kids, it so breaks my heart. Oh, you were a mistake, or your father wanted a boy and it was a girl. You know, that's a lot of the trans stuff, where somebody's trying to become somebody different, and you know, like, stuff like that. Or, or not even that, where people are cutting themselves. They abuse themselves because they think that who they are is wrong, a mistake. Like, very heavy stuff, right? Fundamentally trying to get out of their own skin.

• 1:22:17Lewis Howes?

  So it's in their mind, or is it more in their nervous system?

• 1:22:19Speaker 01

  Both. So, not mind, nervous system, one and the same thing, right? Brain being the biggest extension of that. Now, this is a powerful distinction, I don't wanna overwhelm people. This is the brain. When I say, where's your mind? Most people go, here. No, that's the brain. The mind is something around us, it's a world we live in. So, just like we're in this building, it's obviously a beautiful building, but if it had mold in the drywall, we're at the effect of that mold because we live inside of it, right? And to depend on your constitution, if you're built like an ox, you'll get away with it. If you're very sensitive and you have a respiratory, like, compromise in your genes, it's gonna impact you more. But if you walk around 24/7, which everyone does, in the state of mind, and your state of mind at the deepest level is, which it is, because you're human,

• 1:23:00Speaker 01

  I'm not something, then you are, to whatever degree, acquiescing to that, disrupting yourself.

• 1:23:05Lewis Howes?

  Manifesting in, from that state of mind.

• 1:23:07Speaker 01

  Hence, you see, that's the manifestation chain. So, we wanna discover that, it's not part of your hardware, it's not a label, but it is the mind and the world that you live in, which is this fundamental, what I call 1.0 operating system.

• 1:23:20Lewis Howes?

  And it's not a belief?

• 1:23:21Speaker 01

  No, it's before the belief.

• 1:23:23Lewis Howes?

  It's an identity.

• 1:23:23Speaker 01

  It's an identity.

• 1:23:24Lewis Howes?

  So, identity is first.

• 1:23:25Speaker 01

  Identity has beliefs. You, the you that you are.

• 1:23:28Lewis Howes?

  Tied to the identity.

• 1:23:29Speaker 01

  Correct, they're synonymous, they're extensions downstream. Then the beliefs become the thoughts that create the emotions that create the actions that create the outcomes, that's the cascade. So...

• 1:23:40Lewis Howes?

  But the first thing is identity. Is there anything before that?

• 1:23:43Speaker 01

  Consciousness.

• 1:23:44Lewis Howes?

  Consciousness, then your individual identity.

• 1:23:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:23:47Lewis Howes?

  Then your beliefs.

• 1:23:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:23:49Lewis Howes?

  Then your thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions, or behaviors, and then...

• 1:23:53Speaker 01

  People just get that, change their life. So, when we see an expert, a specialist, you know, again, there's amazing people out there wanna help. Typically, they find, they, they, they traffic in the domain of action and behavior. Do this, don't do that. Oh, okay, you know, you've got high cholesterol, so you have to do this. Like, but high cholesterol will have all sorts of energetic connotations to the way that people are holding on to something because they've got trauma that they haven't accepted or released, and so there's a emotional component, right? Like, you know, the, the whole sickness psychosomatics, it's a big thing. The autoimmune that people throw in the allopathic world as a label on top of, really, it's you attacking yourself. Like I said, the hostile environment that most people live in, which is the world of self-betrayal and self-abandonment, and I'm a bad person, right?

• 1:24:37Speaker 01

  Inadequacy, insecurity, insecurity. That's informing physiology more than anything, right? We live in a toxic world, we're all gonna get bombarded with all the shit in the sky and the soil and the water and blah blah.

• 1:24:46Lewis Howes?

  But you can shift that by how you interpret and how you defend yourself, I guess.

• 1:24:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, and just being in a state of harmony with life. Like, I always say, I have an intimate relationship with reality. I'm not fighting reality, which puts me in sympathetic mode, I can't digest food, you don't sleep, all of that, inflammation, right? Resistance. So, anyway, so now, if they could, if they can isolate that, if you can find the not, or even heavier, the I am something negative. I'm bad, I'm a loser, I'm worthless. But typically, it's, I'm not this, I'm not, you know, attractive enough, I'm not young enough, I'm not successful enough, I'm not, I'm not loved, I'm not wanted. The big one is, really, I'm not gonna be okay. That's the fear of a future that hasn't transpired yet, right? So then we look at that, and then we wanna ask the question, is it a truth, an absolute truth, undeniable, that you're not good enough? Regardless of evidence, you have, well, this and this, and my dad said this, and my dad...

• 1:25:35Speaker 01

  I don't care about the reasons or justification, is it an actual truth? Appeal to your own intuition and your intellect. Is it that who you are as a being is not good enough? Or is that something you've adopted? With all the justifications from childhood?

• 1:25:49Lewis Howes?

  Or just something you believe, right?

• 1:25:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, and the belief is really thoughts over time, right? It's the accumulation that has become now an identity.

• 1:25:56Lewis Howes?

  The evidence that you've compiled and said, see, look at those evidences of why.

• 1:26:02Speaker 01

  And why it's so insidious is because, once we start to accumulate, you know, when I worked with teams, especially when I was working with the major league guys, and still work with a couple of players here and there, managers, owners, you know, CEOs, would always like, what is, what's going on when we have winning streaks and losing streaks? And I say, winning streaks, the absence in winning streaks is accumulation. In Iveda, which is a healing science of, you know, yoga, like Chinese medicine, there's six stages of disease, and stage one is accumulation, where we start to build up an imbalance. So, if someone committed to your health, you might find that fascinating, where you're more a fire type, fire and earth. So, if you have too much heat, alcohol, stress, spicy foods, that you start to feel the symptoms, which is aggravation, is the second stage. Little acid reflux, or belching, you know, can't sleep at night,

• 1:26:48Speaker 01

  and a little bit of loose stools, or maybe your skin starts to break out, and as it starts to spread through the system, right? But then emotionally, if you recognize the accumulation over time of evidence is what eventually creates the personality, right? So, I, but it's self-fulfilling, because the lack, the insecurity, the inadequacy creates the thoughts, feelings, emotions, dah dah dah, which then you get the outcome that's like, see, I told you I was a loser. Right? So now it builds upon itself.

• 1:27:14Lewis Howes?

  And as Dr. Jody Spencer says, your personality is your personal reality.

• 1:27:18Speaker 01

  Exactly, and then your personal reality reinforces your personality. So, to break that cycle takes a, you know, discernment. It takes like a, a serious amount of commitment to like wanting to break free, which is why I said again, there's no greater adversity or challenge you'll ever face than your own identity, it's the ultimate addiction. So, now that, hopefully, somebody has written down, I have believed that I'm not enough for years, or that I felt that I wasn't wanted because I was adopted, or my parents said I was a mistake, or that I feel like I'm not worthy because, you know, I was mocked, or I was in a school of different ethnicity and I was bullied, or, you know, so I don't fit in, I don't belong, like, it can be the do not, like, I do not belong, right? If we can find that, now we wanna investigate the validity, which is a fancy way of saying, is it like really true that you don't belong?

• 1:28:02Speaker 01

  And here's the answer, the catchphrase, it's never true, right? It's always no. It's the way that you've identified, right? So now, the next question is, okay, double negation. I'm not not good enough. Who could I be in the absence of the constraint is the next step? So if that's gone, you're not a loser, you're not not loved, you're not not wanted. The dissolution process, who could you be? That's when the breathing patterns change, tension comes down. If we were measuring metrics, which hopefully one day I will in a show or something, you'll see the heart rate drop, the blood pressure drop instantaneously, not because you're on a beta blocker, but because you shifted from an energy of hostility to one of love and acceptance.

• 1:28:44Speaker 01

  Then it's like, wow, oh my God, I could, what becomes available? I could be every, I don't have anything to prove, I could be anyone. And that then takes practice. So, awareness, unconscious, conscious, we negate the constraint that we've been living in somewhat obliviously for decades. We see it's not true, we now tap into the, what I call the 2.0 operating system, which is the inherent qualities of the soul that you are. You start to live from love, not trying to get it. You start to live from worth, as opposed to trying to justify it. You start to live from power versus trying to force your way in life. And so that's, that's the shift. And that's a different world.

• 1:29:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it is a different world, and it can come in an instant once you unlock the realization. But it could also go, fall back in an instant to an old identity that you've held on to for 30, 40, 50 years.

• 1:29:34Speaker 01

  For sure.

• 1:29:35Lewis Howes?

  So how does someone stay in a new identity? Is there an integration phase? How long does it usually take to stay in a true new identity versus going to the old self?

• 1:29:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, for sure. And this is why, you know, I, I don't know how many people see The Matrix, I'm sure you have, but there's a great line in there where he said, we don't free a mind after a certain age. Because the degree to which somebody has lived in this evidence with the self-feedback loops of, like, I told you so.

• 1:30:01Lewis Howes?

  So hard, so hard.

• 1:30:03Speaker 01

  It becomes actually, sort of like this, you know, what do they call it? Like, during the whole COVID, like, this cognitive dissonance, right? Like, it just doesn't even make sense. I can't believe that there's nothing wrong with me because that's all I've known. It's like in Shawshem Redemption, the old guy Brooks, you know, when he's left out, he's been imprisoned for 60 years or something, and he goes to work in the grocery store and he's like, please sir, can I use a bathroom? So conditioned that he doesn't even have any sovereignty or independence, so... But, it depends on a couple of things. The severity of the suffering that's precursor to it, right? Like, if someone had, like, when I held this man on stage, who was, I think, 36, and so he'd been estranged from his mom through his own choice, according to him, it was really a reaction to the fear that he's trying to avoid, for seven years not talking to her.

• 1:30:47Speaker 01

  When he really got that he's been living in the world of it's all my fault for two plus decades. The tears like I got up to hold him because he was sobbing and literally everyone could see his body convulse like a baby who's just weeping. And so in that moment, the shift was sufficient that his whole physiology changed. As I said, I know it sounds a little

• 1:31:08Lewis Howes?

  He released it all. Yeah, he released it.

• 1:31:11Speaker 01

  I would say there probably still some, you know, like it can be really profound, like, you know, it's like it's a classic example, but like if you're driving on the road on a road trip and you haven't used the restroom for a while and the next rest stop isn't for fifteen miles. You know, it's like the relief from the degree of suffering previous has commensurate relief. So that's one part.

• 1:31:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:29Speaker 01

  If the if the awakening or the unconscious conscious process is so profound because of the previous form of suffering, then the ability to integrate is way more powerful.

• 1:31:41Lewis Howes?

  You may never go back because now you see.

• 1:31:43Speaker 01

  It's like you can't unsee. Now you can never unsee, you'll have that moment, but if it's a little bit more benign or it doesn't have the same degree of trauma and it always has to be some sort of somatic release, like because it is part of the body, it's not enough to just intellectualize these things. Whenever I'm working with someone, I see respiratory patterns change. I see again, I can feel their bodies soften, their facial features even like especially when guys have furrows and like anger.

• 1:32:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you look younger.

• 1:32:06Speaker 01

  Totally. I mean, this guy was taller, like, you know, the absence of the weight that he was carrying of guilt and shame manifested in a physiology that was a bit stooped and suddenly this man shows up, you know, and even some of the women like, whoa, I didn't even find him attractive. And this is unconscious, you know?

• 1:32:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:32:22Speaker 01

  So that's part of it. But then, yeah, it's the older someone gets, the more established those neural networks have become, the more evidence they have. It's like a child, you know, when I work with younger people, like when they see it, it's like boom, that they're on a different timeline immediately because they don't have sufficient evidence to justify the old identity. So yeah, it's profound stuff.

• 1:32:42Lewis Howes?

  How do our mental stories and emotional fears manifest in the physical body?

• 1:32:49Speaker 01

  Oh, that's a whole podcast. I mean, dis-ease like, okay, so I'll break down the current operating system, what I call the one point of mindset, which it's predominant imperative of survival. So it's based in limitation, which we've covered ad nauseam today, which is limiting code. I'm not something like a limitation in the language that we use to identify ourselves creates the predominant emotion of fear, right? That's that's the cascade. Limiting language. It's a survival instinct and therefore we are to some degree, it's a cascade, you know, terror and panic at one extreme and mild concern and worry at another. But overall, it's a fear based relationship to life. Looking out for don't want to get in trouble with the misses, don't want to upset the boss, don't want to lose my job.

• 1:33:31Lewis Howes?

  It's language.

• 1:33:32Speaker 01

  Language is the limitation. How that shows up in our emotional body is predominantly fear. And people are walking around, so I'm not scared, but I probably booed them or you know, they got some news about they're about to be fired, they would go into fear, right? It's there beneath the surface. As I say, other people's words don't upset you, they just relieve what you already they reveal what you already believed about yourself, right?

• 1:33:55Speaker 01

  Fear then gives the overarching experience, which we've discussed again, certainly now and then prior, suffering. Suffering, first noble truth of Buddhism, I think, you know, to be human is to suffer inextricably connected. It's like saying, I'm going to jump in the ocean, but I don't want to get wet. You can't, right? To be human is to suffer. So limiting code, subconscious, one point O construct. Fear is the predominant emotion, suffering is the overarching experience, which then leads to dis-ease, the absence of ease. That's how it cascades into the physiology. So it's unavoidable and sickness. And again, I talked about cancer, which I know is a sort of sensitive subject for people, but that's the way I look at it. But whatever anybody creates, not consciously, so there's no guilt or shame, because a lot of people go into this woe is me and they start berating themselves.

• 1:34:39Speaker 01

  Oh, it's my own fault because of the way it's not.

• 1:34:41Lewis Howes?

  That doesn't help you create more ease.

• 1:34:43Speaker 01

  Doesn't. You can't, again, can't be held accountable for that which you're oblivious to. There's a distinction between fault and responsibility. Fault is all about shame and guilt. It's up to you. It's incumbent upon you. Responsibility is in ways that I don't even comprehend, I'm nonetheless curating the events of my life and everything that's happened. That's power. I I might not know why this thing, but if I can take responsibility, I just want to T bone by a car that went through a red light and I was on a Vespa. Don't have to be a rocket scientist to know who won that fight, right? I spread across P C H. Fortunately, I was okay. I was wearing a leather jacket, which was an anomaly. I was in a I was going to the premiere of the documentary Heal that I was in many, many moons ago. So thankfully I was wearing a leather jacket. I still had tons of road rash.

• 1:35:25Speaker 01

  Clearly, on the human level, the guy, sweet guy, he's like, we exchanged details, insurance, his insurance, paid for a new bike and it's so funny, I love this about myself, like the insurance company kept sending me emails and letters. We need to get your medical bills and I'd already submitted them. It was like twenty five hundred bucks from my Chinese medicine acupuncture and that you know, because people play the game and like they were expecting two hundred grand and MRIs and I'm like, no, I'm good. I, you know, I take care of myself. And they're like, no, there's got to be something wrong. But I took responsibility for the fact that my soul, for whatever reasons, was in that moment. And therefore there's something from that experience that I'm looking to learn from. That I'm not a victim of what happened. Yes, on the human level,

• 1:36:05Speaker 01

  he takes responsibility and liability. He went through the red light, fortunately wasn't going so fast, I might not even be here to have a conversation. But I still, at the deepest level, own the fact that I'm in that moment of life. That's power. That's true responsibility. Otherwise, as I tell people, it's an on off switch. You're either a victim or you're responsible. Choosing a hundred percent responsibility is not easy, but it's powerful. So then to come back to this sort of understanding of like, we're doing the best we can with the limits of our current awareness, right? But then we want to see who could I be in the absence of those concerns? And that's where we bring these unconscious. So the beliefs that we have are an extension of the identity that we are.

• 1:36:45Speaker 01

  And so the events that we curate are nonetheless for our own emancipation fundamentally. They're here to help us break free from these constraints.

• 1:36:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:55Speaker 01

  So that's the manifestation, the self fulfilling prophecy. And yeah, it's not for the light of heart, but it's it's powerful.

• 1:37:04Lewis Howes?

  Do you think a lot of suffering, uh, physical suffering comes from mental disease?

• 1:37:12Speaker 01

  Um, I would say the majority, like the question about

• 1:37:15Lewis Howes?

  Besides being like hit by a car or something like that, but I mean.

• 1:37:18Speaker 01

  Yeah. And the way I distinguish it, to keep it simple, I think words are helpful if you really look at them from their uh, ontology and where they maybe come from, like I I associate pain with physical suffering from emotional and psychological. So I can't get rid of pain. I'm going to have my own pain. I was standing up for like, you know, eight plus hours a day doing this retreat. My back was sore, right? There's pain. But then if I had had a conversation on top of the pain, which is like, this is bullshit, this is unfair. I don't want to be up here, da, da, da.

• 1:37:44Lewis Howes?

  You'd suffer.

• 1:37:45Speaker 01

  On top of the pain. Now it's amplified. So that's why I can't in any stretch of the imagination proclaim to be able to get rid of pain on that. No one's ever going to do that. But I do feel confident that I can end suffering because suffering is the relationship to life, pain being one of those. So disease, dis-ease, the absence of ease and how it shows in the manifest world of our bodies and health. Is really to understand that cascade. So people can at least be empowered. Like, of course, there's a myriad of different other contributing factors, like we have compromised DNA, people have M T H F Rs, their metabolism, their methylation pathways. Things I know for myself that like, you know, that I don't have strong immunity in my gut or my lungs, my

• 1:38:24Speaker 01

  serotonin is slightly dysfunctional, my mitochondria don't clear very like, I've done my deep dive on my DNA. But I haven't taken medication ever, you know, like, I mean, apart from like something acute, right? You know, but I'm I don't take drugs. I mean, it's not medication. That's another distinction. If anyone's doing a refill, it's not a medication anymore. It's a drug, right? Medication is curative or preventative. So that's no slight on people, but maybe if you want to be well, let's look at what are the underlying causative factors, the dis-ease, where are you in a state of the absence of ease, which is a byproduct of suffering, fear and limitation, which is why I've seen the most ridiculous. I mean, one of my favorite stories, a woman in my mastermind, she had stage four endometriosis, twenty nine.

• 1:39:05Speaker 01

  The world, the mind that she lived in that was creating limitation was that her needs don't matter. Like that's how she felt in her family. She was dismissed and da, da, da. Horrible for a little girl. But what better way to manifest physically down the chain of creation than her needs not mattering as a woman than the inability to procreate, perhaps the greatest gift for a woman? Two months after the mastermind went back for tests, zero endometriosis.

• 1:39:28Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:39:29Speaker 01

  Yeah. And I mean, you've heard these stories, I'm sure, you know, Joe's a friend of mine as well. And you know, he does a lot of that in his retreats, but that to me is not a miracle. That's it's a miracle to the cognitive dissonance of somebody who believes things aren't possible. But as I tell people, what we believe is possible is not what's possible, right? And so I have learned over the years to become more friendly, familiar and accepting of the word miracle, because to me it's less a miracle, it's more just physics. If you shift frequencies, your body's going to shift.

• 1:39:57Lewis Howes?

  It's alignment. When you get back into alignment, your body aligns to a state of healing, a state of wholeness rather than a state of disease.

• 1:40:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:40:08Lewis Howes?

  Or some type of cancerous result, whether it be skin rashes or

• 1:40:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:40:12Lewis Howes?

  cancers or anything else that's hurting you.

• 1:40:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:40:16Lewis Howes?

  Outside of, you know, a car crash or something like that, you know?

• 1:40:19Speaker 01

  It's like that quote, I think from Einstein, it says you can't um, solve a problem from within the same level of consciousness that created it. And so I would assert with healing with all the best intentions in the world, and I have so much compassion for people who've been on journeys with what they call chronic conditions, which is another misnomer. There's nothing chronic. Chronic is just the illusion that helps the ego to hold on to the evidence over time.

• 1:40:41Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:41Speaker 01

  And if you really get that, then that adds the the the the strength of the attachment of the ego that I have a chronic injury. No, you have pain, like somebody in my my group has often said they had chronic pain until they realized they didn't have pain when they have it and they don't have it when they don't have it. Chronic just creates the significance to it, right? But when we realize that likewise, that we can't create, we can't solve a problem from the same level of consciousness that created it, you can't heal from the same, within the same level of limiting code and emotions that created it. So this is both beautiful and maybe confronting for people is that people right now out there listening to this who are trying to heal, don't take this the wrong way. But the you that is struggling can't heal.

• 1:41:23Speaker 01

  Healing is on the other side of the you that is the precursor to the current sickness and disease that you're experiencing. That's both the bad and the good news because I'm trying to heal, but the I that is the identity founded in limitation, fear and suffering and disease is the obstacle to the healing that is wanting to happen in the absence of the constraints that you've become identified with.

• 1:41:45Lewis Howes?

  So how does someone heal themselves then?

• 1:41:47Speaker 01

  They don't. The body knows how to do that. They have to get out of the frequency, which is the precursor to the sickness in the first place. That goes back to the exercise I took everyone through. So, you know, the idea of

• 1:41:58Lewis Howes?

  Consciousness to identity, to beliefs through that process.

• 1:42:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, to get to the eventually the I'm not something. So even in that case, people who have been struggling with something for a long time, one of the biggest obstacles to their healing is the belief that they're never going to be okay. If you live in a world where I'm never going to be okay, that is complete and utter devastation, right? How disempowering, disheartening. Like, if I'm never going to be okay, I'm just going to do the best I can. One of my most powerful distinctions I say to people is, in that case, you can only become the best version of your limited self, and that's what humans are doing.

• 1:42:28Lewis Howes?

  And you're always a victim.

• 1:42:30Speaker 01

  Always. But you're a victim again, not of circumstance, not of the condition, but of your own perspective, which is enforcing, reinforcing the very thing that you proclaim with all the best intentions in the world that you wanted to get away from.

• 1:42:41Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you don't want.

• 1:42:41Speaker 01

  You don't want. But again, this is a hard thing for people to hear. Most people don't have problems, they protect problems.

• 1:42:48Lewis Howes?

  Wow, why is that?

• 1:42:51Speaker 01

  Because the number one, like, way of being right, right, the self-value, being right is a poor man's version of self-worth.

• 1:42:58Lewis Howes?

  Wow, man, they protect their problems.

• 1:43:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, that should be like an ouch and a wow for many people.

• 1:43:04Lewis Howes?

  Most people don't have problems, they protect their problems.

• 1:43:07Speaker 01

  Because the identity, which is illusory, the very idea of ourself is built on the foundation of lies, and therefore, in order to sustain it, you have to keep finding evidence, otherwise it falls apart. I took people through an exercise in my mastermind where they have to tell their story over and over. Typically, it only takes two or three times until they become sick of their own self.

• 1:43:23Lewis Howes?

  They're like, oh, yeah.

• 1:43:23Speaker 01

  In the presence of someone loving. One person at the retreat, she even forgot her story on the second go around. She's like, oh my God, I just realized, I can't even remember what it was. Because

• 1:43:32Lewis Howes?

  We're holding on to these stories for so long, right?

• 1:43:34Speaker 01

  It's exhausting. Exhaustion is the number one word I hear from people when they look back and realize that they've been living in a lie. How do you feel? I'm just so exhausted. Because you're finding the invisible ghost. I say it's like getting into a ring, a UFC ring, or whatever, a boxing ring, and you're being told that the world's greatest fighter is opposite you, but they're invisible.

• 1:43:54Speaker 01

  You're in a perpetual state of anticipation of threat.

• 1:43:57Lewis Howes?

  Wow, and you never, you ever, never actually fight them?

• 1:44:01Speaker 01

  Because there's no one there, other than your own illusion.

• 1:44:03Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:44:03Speaker 01

  Can't help but laugh, I tell people, until you realize the only thing you're fighting is your own imagination.

• 1:44:09Lewis Howes?

  Crazy. Your own perception of what may or may never happen, right?

• 1:44:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Women, I feel for women, you know, because we as men, and I know you're a stand for this as much as I am, to get my, my brothers and fellow men to like, get out, at least get out of the world of abuse, even if you can't step into the love of provider protector and lover, you know, to at least stop beating up on women. But for that reason, women, the number one constraint I see in women is that they're not safe. And they have all the evidence for it, right?

• 1:44:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:35Speaker 01

  And so how that manifests, particularly with women who struggle, you know, in the arenas of like, cancers, you know, that show up, and particularly in these sensitive areas of female body, is that they're in a constant state of flight, right? But if you're in this world of I'm not safe, then you have no choice but to constantly be on guard. And typically, you know, that's going to lead to where women, I tell people, they shift from resilience, which is the inherent capacity of a woman, like, women are insane. Like, you've just seen this with your wife, like, the delivery and, God forbid, now for the next eighteen years, who she has to be, how she has to show up, right? And beyond. But then resilience, when it's coupled with one of these subconscious constraints of inadequacy, or lack of self-worth, or not good enough, becomes tolerance. And for women, when they see that, it's like, woof, I've become way too tolerant, you know?

• 1:45:20Speaker 01

  And so for me, for the men to be able to step up and to hold space and realize, wow, in my own partnerships, my own wives, my girlfriends, my mothers, my sisters, where am I a threat to their safety? And, and that's not an easy thing for a man to look at, but it is the access to the evolution of who they get to be as a real man.

• 1:45:38Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, I've got a couple of final questions for you.

• 1:45:40Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:45:41Lewis Howes?

  It's been very powerful.

• 1:45:42Speaker 01

  I thought we could go on for hours, but.

• 1:45:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I know. I want to keep going on for hours. I want to have you back on in the future, but you've, you've worked with a lot of elite athletes, you know, billionaires, CEOs, and people who have accomplished incredible external success. What is the number one thing that has allowed all of them to reach it? And of all these top billionaires, CEOs, and famous individuals, what is the thing that most of them are suffering with the most?

• 1:46:11Speaker 01

  Wow, two sides of the same coin. Right? Meaning, so I would say, it seems antithetical, but one of the things that has created their success is fear.

• 1:46:23Speaker 01

  You know, there's a great line in Batman, uh, Something Rising, or Batman Rises, whatever it is. And I, I forget, but they're in this like, big hellhole, right? Like, they're all thrown into like, a deep, deep well, and this is men, right? And, and Batman, uh, I've forgotten the characters. Christopher Lee, is that the actor, or whoever it was, whatever?

• 1:46:42Lewis Howes?

  Not Christopher Nolan, that's the director.

• 1:46:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:46:44Lewis Howes?

  Christopher.

• 1:46:45Speaker 01

  Is it Christopher something? Anyway, good-looking dude, he's a star. And he's trying to

• 1:46:49Lewis Howes?

  British guy.

• 1:46:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:46:51Lewis Howes?

  Christopher.

• 1:46:51Speaker 01

  Makes sense.

• 1:46:52Lewis Howes?

  Something, sorry, sorry.

• 1:46:54Speaker 01

  So he's trying to get out, right? But he's got the rope around. And so then he speaks to the guy, the sage who represents, you know, that wise old man, who's like, you know, do it like the kid did it. And he's like, that, how's that without the rope?

• 1:47:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:06Speaker 01

  And so fear, whilst it can be our greatest, sort of, um, self-destruction, and our compromise, and our unbecoming, is nonetheless, for athletes with talent, can be the motivating force for, often, as sad as it is to say, to disprove those who we felt didn't have our loyalty, or didn't have our backs. You know, the dad, or the high school teacher that mocked the child, I'm going to prove them wrong, right? So, so often, I've worked with, again, like in the world of material success, billionaires, who nonetheless have sicknesses, disease, third marriages, kids with addiction, and a lot of anxiety, or medications that they're on, drugs that they're taking, but have amassed external success, but in the absence of internal security.

• 1:47:51Speaker 01

  And so that was the way that the hungry ghost, the addiction, where you can never get enough of something that almost works, in this case, material success, has nonetheless never fulfilled on the hole that can never be filled. And so that also, as I said, two sides of the same coin. So that is the motivating factor for a lot of accomplishment, but then can lead to the lack of fulfillment, because it's never actually something that can be overcome. So I've seen that. And what's so beautiful is that when I get to work with people who have an immense amount of skill, or immense amount of success, or immense amount of talent, or whatever it is, that then when they tap into this, living from love, living from expansion, whoo.

• 1:48:29Lewis Howes?

  The impact, the freedom, right?

• 1:48:31Speaker 01

  The absolute freedom that then ironically becomes the precursor to even greater success. I'll never forget the story. When I first started with an MLB team, and I grew up in England with a soccer ball at my feet, I didn't know, you know, baseball from a hole in the road, like, and my friend was joking a lot, he's like, what, what exactly are you going to tell people? It's like, he was hysterical. He's like, you're going to just tell them to keep their eye on the ball?

• 1:48:52Speaker 01

  Like, no, these are guys who get, command $200 million between them in a team. But there was one guy who called me soon after I'd done my spring training talks, and he was struggling, and he's actually a couple of months into the season, because for three months in the previous season, he hadn't had a homerun, and for two months into the next. So it was almost a whole season of six months across two.

• 1:49:10Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:49:11Speaker 01

  And he was a middle-of-the-pack kind of homerun guy. He wasn't a first baseman who does the thirty hits of homers, and he wasn't small, like, shortstop, and a guy who gets six or seven. He was a good, solid fifteen to eighteen per season. He hadn't had any. And so, you know, the nature of a locker room with men who are like, you know, jeering and competing and messing around with each other, and he was getting a lot of stick from the guy. Don't worry, you're not a power player, and you know, they're messing with him, and it was starting to grind. And so he called me one day, he was sitting in the parking lot of the, of the stadium. And I tend to bring a lot of tough love, especially to my guys. So he's telling me the situation. I said, so what if I told you for the rest of your career, and you probably had another five, six seasons in him, that you never, ever hit another homerun? Will you be okay? Or do I need to call your mom?

• 1:49:54Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right, right.

• 1:49:56Speaker 01

  And of course, you know, the immediate resistance, which is there, the reactions that we've talked about, is like, dude, no, that's terrible. Like, I'm getting paid millions of dollars to perform. How could I? Just even in the course of this almost season, it's horrific. I'm embarrassed, I'm ashamed, I feel terrible, I'm not sleeping, all the ramifications. And I said, no, no, no, you've got to listen to the question. If, for the rest of your career, six, seven seasons, five, six, seven, you, you never hit a homerun, are you going to be okay? And eventually he got to the right answer. Yeah, I, I know it's not what you want, I know it's not what I want, I know it's definitely not what the team wants, who are paying you millions of dollars to perform, but are you going to be okay? And so the exercise was to take him to the peace, and the relief, and the profound acceptance that even in the absence of what we desire, that we realize that we're going to be okay.

• 1:50:39Lewis Howes?

  Even if I fail, I'm going to be okay.

• 1:50:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:50:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:43Speaker 01

  And that profound, capital A, acceptance of, I don't mind what happens. Let, I mean, I could hear him exhale on the phone, right? We were, it was with the Diamondbacks at the time and we were playing the Cardinals. His second at bat.

• 1:50:58Lewis Howes?

  Boom.

• 1:50:59Speaker 01

  Biggest homerun.

• 1:50:59Lewis Howes?

  The next game.

• 1:51:01Speaker 01

  No, that game, that night.

• 1:51:02Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's crazy.

• 1:51:05Speaker 01

  Cause he made peace.

• 1:51:06Lewis Howes?

  He had freedom.

• 1:51:07Speaker 01

  He had complete freedom, which is why my whole work is about freedom. He had found peace with a future that he was otherwise trying to avoid. There's three stages of like the way that we relate to time, as I tell people. Past, we're holding on to things we haven't reconciled. Present, we're resisting what is, and then future, we're trying to avoid the pain that we haven't yet reconciled. This is the way that people live through life. So he was in a state of holding past trauma, resisting the way things are and concerned and fearful of a future that hasn't happened yet. In that one conversation, we reconciled all of it, mitigated any of the resistance. He's an athlete who has hit millions of home runs over the course of his life, you know, from being a kid. You know, and certainly in his dreams and his visions and his practice.

• 1:51:48Speaker 01

  His body knows what to do when a ball's coming at him at seventy-nine curveball, eighty-nine fastball, whatever. Like he knows how to respond, not react. And so he said it was the easiest homerun he's ever hit in his entire career.

• 1:52:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, let it go.

• 1:52:01Speaker 01

  Cause he was not attached to any outcome.

• 1:52:03Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:52:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:52:05Lewis Howes?

  But it's so hard to not be attached to an outcome when you want it so badly, right?

• 1:52:10Speaker 01

  And that's that balance. That is the eternal dance to your question of like, what do I see as a quality in those who attain success? And what do I see as their downfall? It's one and the same thing is how do you find that balance between commitment, which gives direction and a sense of unstoppable ability, but then also profound humility for when things don't go your way?

• 1:52:32Lewis Howes?

  High engagement, low attachment. Yeah.

• 1:52:34Speaker 01

  And so the quote, which I don't readily give out, but like, you know, for my athletes, they say fully committed, totally unattached.

• 1:52:41Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:52:42Speaker 01

  And that's a tough balance.

• 1:52:43Lewis Howes?

  It's tough, man.

• 1:52:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:52:45Lewis Howes?

  It's tough.

• 1:52:46Speaker 01

  That is freedom. Yeah, it's like the quote, just to finish that, cause he's the greatest golfer of all time, which was Jack Nicklaus, right? Better than Tiger. Tiger obviously changed the sport, but Jack has got the biggest accolades. One of his quotes is one of my favorites to this point. He said, um, one of the greatest, um, parts of winning is being okay losing.

• 1:53:06Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 1:53:07Speaker 01

  He said, he didn't say, I wanna lose. He didn't say I'm focused on losing. It's like, you know, the old adage of like winners focus on winning, losers focus on winners. And I, when I saw that, it's so profound. He didn't say, I'm okay with it. And he didn't say, I'm focused on it. He said, I'm okay if it happens. When you're okay with any outcome, you have nothing that's holding you back.

• 1:53:25Lewis Howes?

  You play free, you play more free. Yeah.

• 1:53:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:53:29Lewis Howes?

  What do you wish everyone knew about fame, success and money?

• 1:53:38Speaker 01

  They're not what you think they are, and they're never the ultimate destination. You're not looking for some external exogenous form of accomplishment. You're looking for the experience you think that's going to bring you. And that experience is available to you right now, cause it's the essence of who you are.

• 1:53:55Lewis Howes?

  We got a lot more questions. We'll have to have you back on another time to go over them. But, um, this has been really powerful, Peter, and I want to acknowledge you for you're bringing so much wisdom from all the years you've been doing this work to this, this conversation, this interview. And for breaking down things that seem extremely challenging for people to understand with great stories, lessons and ideas that I hope that people can connect to and simplify things that seem so challenging for them to understand. So I want to acknowledge you for bringing that today.

• 1:54:29Speaker 01

  Thank you, I appreciate that.

• 1:54:30Lewis Howes?

  And for all that you're doing for so many people in the world through your programs, your coaching, your events. And you've got a three month mastermind coming up, uh, pretty soon.

• 1:54:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:54:41Lewis Howes?

  And you'll have these ongoing.

• 1:54:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:54:44Lewis Howes?

  And a new membership platform called two point O world.

• 1:54:47Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:54:48Lewis Howes?

  Where can people go to be a part of this or learn more about your, your content?

• 1:54:52Speaker 01

  Um, firstly, thank you for the words, means a lot coming from you. And especially in the vein of what we were sharing earlier of like, you know, that little sort of Achilles heel where it's nice to be seen. So thank you.

• 1:55:04Speaker 01

  No, I really care deeply. And I, I remember when I was younger, not that long ago, maybe a decade or so. I, I really thought my caring was a, a shortcoming, you know? And I realized, no, actually it's a superpower. So, um, uh, people can find, you know, through all the usual channels, Instagram, Facebook. My website is all my name, Peter Crone, at Peter Crone, peterkrone.com. And, uh, the mastermind, you know, for those who want to go deep and do the three month journey. I do theory, coaching, profound, you know, the deep philosophy about how we are as humans and what holds us back and how to break free. And then the two point O world is my new membership platform that will probably be out in October or so. And then next year I'll be taking through people through the entire upgrade of the new operating system of freedom, love and possibility. Yeah.

• 1:55:48Lewis Howes?

  Do you have a book also?

• 1:55:49Speaker 01

  Um, writing it, I've been writing it for those who've followed me for a while, for way too long in their mind, but it's the greatest marketing campaign.

• 1:55:55Lewis Howes?

  This is your, this, this might be one of your blocks.

• 1:55:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:55:58Lewis Howes?

  Cause I was thinking before, I was like, I don't think you have a book.

• 1:56:00Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:56:00Lewis Howes?

  And I know you've probably thought of it for a decade plus.

• 1:56:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've got a series of books and I think the issue is that I keep doing all the templates simultaneously versus just locking in on the one.

• 1:56:09Lewis Howes?

  Do one.

• 1:56:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:56:10Lewis Howes?

  So I'm doing that now. Give yourself a deadline.

• 1:56:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:56:12Lewis Howes?

  And just, it's gotta come out next year.

• 1:56:14Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:56:15Lewis Howes?

  No matter what.

• 1:56:16Speaker 01

  We're way closer, cause now at the point of the proposal, the deal versus me just being in my own little silo writing. So now I'm engaged with publishers and so it's actually on the track.

• 1:56:24Lewis Howes?

  All right, cool.

• 1:56:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:56:26Lewis Howes?

  I'm gonna hold you to that.

• 1:56:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:56:27Lewis Howes?

  It's gotta come out, you know?

• 1:56:28Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 1:56:29Lewis Howes?

  Uh, Peter Crone everywhere, make sure you guys follow him, check it out. I love your content. You got a lot of great stuff and people can see you coaching people live on your content as well, which is really cool.

• 1:56:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's the same, that seems to be the stuff that goes really viral, cause people can relate. That's the beauty of even the mastermind is I, you know, thousands of people from around the world, but I only coach a few, but everyone can relate to the story. The resonance of what it is to be human and the fundamental fears everyone can relate to.

• 1:56:52Lewis Howes?

  Beautiful. Uh, two final questions. This one's called the three truths.

• 1:56:56Speaker 01

  Uh-oh.

• 1:56:56Lewis Howes?

  Hypothetical scenario, you get to live as long as you want to live.

• 1:57:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:57:00Lewis Howes?

  In this earth, you get to create and be, do have everything you want to create. But it's the last day, many years away.

• 1:57:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:57:09Lewis Howes?

  And for whatever reason, you've got to take all of your content with you.

• 1:57:12Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:57:13Lewis Howes?

  So we don't have access to this conversation, all the books that you end up writing, all the content you have on your social media, it's gone.

• 1:57:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:57:18Lewis Howes?

  Hypothetical. But on the final day, you get to leave behind three main lessons that you would want to leave behind.

• 1:57:24Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:57:25Lewis Howes?

  I call it three truths.

• 1:57:26Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:57:26Lewis Howes?

  And that's all we would have to remember you by with your content.

• 1:57:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:57:30Lewis Howes?

  What would those three truths be for you?

• 1:57:33Speaker 01

  That's a great question. I never, I never even heard. Number one, I love you. I, I really want people to know that, like, and not in any way to dismiss who somebody is, but my nature, and I would assert our nature as beings is to love.

• 1:57:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:57:50Speaker 01

  And I would, in the most poetic, say, you know, way that I say, it's like, we all love, well, I, the, again, I'm paraphrasing myself and I forgot. Everybody loves everybody. It's just most people don't know that yet. So I love you, number one. Number two, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Despite how much you try to defend that and prove it.

• 1:58:13Lewis Howes?

  What if you've done a lot of bad things though?

• 1:58:16Speaker 01

  That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. It just means that there's consequences of your behavior to take responsibility for.

• 1:58:22Lewis Howes?

  For your actions, yeah.

• 1:58:23Speaker 01

  Yeah. And even the things that you've done that are bad, I would assert are an extension of the conditioning that wasn't necessarily yours, but things you've inherited based on the lessons that you're here to learn. So either way, you're a beneficiary of your own behaviors. If, if you choose to look back on them and grow.

• 1:58:42Lewis Howes?

  And the third thing?

• 1:58:44Speaker 01

  It all works out.

• 1:58:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, in your favor.

• 1:58:50Speaker 01

  The old expression, it all works out in the end.

• 1:58:52Lewis Howes?

  That's true. And if, and if it's not the end.

• 1:58:55Speaker 01

  If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end, exactly.

• 1:58:57Lewis Howes?

  Final question, Peter, what is your definition of greatness?

• 1:59:02Speaker 01

  Oh my gosh.

• 1:59:08Speaker 01

  God, love words so much that I, I really want to articulate this in a way that honors the platform that I'm, and the man that I'm with. My definition of greatness, I would say

• 1:59:22Speaker 01

  it is when

• 1:59:26Speaker 01

  a soul has discovered its own existence. It has transcended the constraints with which we arrived to realize that the very essence of who we are is always what we've been looking for. To live from that space of true freedom, love and possibility and to impart that onto others so that they might discover the same within themselves.

• 1:59:47Lewis Howes?

  Peter Crone, my man. Thank you, brother. Appreciate it.

• 1:59:50Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:59:50Lewis Howes?

  It's powerful, man.

• 1:59:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, much love to you and to everyone.

• 1:59:53Lewis Howes?

  Thank you. My friend, I hope you're enjoying this episode right now because we are on a mission to impact a hundred million lives every single week. And every follow here on this podcast helps us reach more people. Make sure to hit the follow at the top of this show's page right now. It's the single biggest thing that you can do to support the show and the impact of us reaching you every single time we have new episodes. I appreciate you and I can't wait to see you in the next episode. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links.

• 2:00:34Lewis Howes?

  And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.