The Conan and Jordan Show – Painting The Barn

On this episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show”, a spirited discussion about walking posture turns into an unexpected debate about water connoisseurship, with a dash of Austrian travel memories thrown in.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

  The holidays are supposed to be about making memories, not managing the mess that comes with them. Between winter weather, road trips, shopping and family gatherings, your vehicle can take a beating. Mine sure does.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  Same.

• 0:14Conan O'Brien?

  Especially when I'm back in the Northeast, driving around. I mean, I grew up with that.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:18Conan O'Brien?

  Cars were red, the salt on the road, people throwing rocks at me.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  Whaaat?

• 0:23Conan O'Brien?

  That's not a weather thing. That's more of a me being, making people angry.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:27Conan O'Brien?

  WeatherTech helps protect your vehicle from snow, slush, salt and seasonal messes. They also make the best gifts for automobile protection, from floor liners and cargo liner to side window deflectors, even gift cards. Great for today and to prevent future messes. Everything is built to last, easy to clean and designed for harsh winter conditions, okay? I grew up with this.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:49Conan O'Brien?

  And the salt would eat away the car. We actually did have a Chevy. My dad had a Chevy Impala and the floor rusted out and you could see the road going by.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Ohhh.

• 0:57Conan O'Brien?

  Boy, we were praying for WeatherTech and we didn't even know it. That was before it existed.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  That's cool.

• 1:03Conan O'Brien?

  So get a gift today at weathertech.com.

• 1:09Conan O'Brien?

  Now Sona, clearly I'm a very important person to you.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:15Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 1:20Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 1:22Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 1:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, that jacket. Nice jacket.

• 1:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it. Cause you said you would.

• 1:30Speaker 01

  Aw man, I didn't know you were doing that. I didn't know you were trapping me.

• 1:33Conan O'Brien?

  I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:44Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more all in one place. You can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 2:19Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, uh, if you've heard that annoying song, uh, it means that you're listening to the Conan and Jordan Show. I'm Conan O'Brien, joined by Jordan Schlansky. We chose that song, Jordan, because it's your favorite group, and maybe your favorite song by that group?

• 2:37Speaker 02

  Not necessarily, but it is an excellent song. Maybe their archetypal song.

• 2:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 2:42Speaker 02

  Why did you have to glance at the logo that said the Conan O. Jordan Show when you said the name of the show? Do you forget the name?

• 2:48Conan O'Brien?

  You didn't know it either. If you play that back, you just said Conan O. Jordan Show. So you don't know it either. Maybe you should, maybe you should look at the screen next time.

• 2:57Speaker 02

  All right, all right.

• 2:58Conan O'Brien?

  If you're gonna call me on the title of the show,

• 3:00Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 3:01Conan O'Brien?

  you better have it right.

• 3:02Speaker 02

  Right.

• 3:03Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, I looked at it because sometimes I need confirmation that I agreed to do this.

• 3:08Speaker 02

  I see.

• 3:09Conan O'Brien?

  And there it is.

• 3:09Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 3:10Conan O'Brien?

  And it's got a lot of your favorite things, a Vespa.

• 3:12Speaker 02

  I can't even identify some of them.

• 3:14Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, I understand the pizza, the wine, the grapes, the Vespa.

• 3:18Speaker 02

  Is that a lemon behind the meatballs? What's the yellow thing?

• 3:23Conan O'Brien?

  I didn't know what those were. That looks like, that looks like, that looks like General Chow's Chicken.

• 3:27Speaker 02

  That's what I thought it was.

• 3:28Conan O'Brien?

  And I thought, I didn't know you loved General Chow's Chicken.

• 3:30Speaker 02

  I think Frank told me it was meatballs. But I still don't know, is that a lemon coming from behind the meatball?

• 3:34Conan O'Brien?

  I honestly don't know what that is. Okay. And I never had the graphics person correct. Um, Jordan?

• 3:41Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 3:42Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, people, I don't wanna say they enjoy our chemistry.

• 3:47Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 3:47Conan O'Brien?

  There's no proof that that's the case.

• 3:49Speaker 02

  Right.

• 3:49Conan O'Brien?

  But we do have a chemical reaction between us, which is quite unusual. I have never had a relationship with anyone in my entire life. I've met kings, queens, courtesans. I've never met anybody quite like you.

• 4:01Speaker 02

  No.

• 4:01Conan O'Brien?

  You're an unusual fellow. Uh, we fight, we bicker, but I think beneath it all, we really do hate each other. Um, and there's no other show like this.

• 4:12Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 4:13Conan O'Brien?

  People love our interactions. Whenever I walk around in the world, people say, hey, where's Jordan? How's he doing? Is he for real? That's one I get a lot. Is he for real? And I'm not sure. You might be a hallucination. This could be like the end of Fight Club where I realized you never existed. Or maybe I don't exist and you're imagining me. Uh, it's one of those things. It's a real mind blower. One of us is imagining the other. Or maybe neither of us is imagining no one. Anyway, that was a lot of, a lot of what we call filler in the business. He has a clip. Uh, Jordan, Jordan brought a clip with him today. Okay, you brought a clip?

• 4:53Speaker 02

  I did.

• 4:53Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 4:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, I spotted a paparazzo video of you. Uh, you are in fact, an A-list celebrity and from time to time. Yeah, from time to time, you're confronted by paparazzi out in the world. And I saw this one, um, a while ago and you're look, you're in New York City, walking by what I assume might be Central Park South, somewhere in the vicinity of Central Park.

• 5:14Conan O'Brien?

  That is Central Park South.

• 5:15Speaker 02

  Central Park South, 59th Street, for those that are unfamiliar. You see this paparazzo standing there.

• 5:20Conan O'Brien?

  Paparazzi.

• 5:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, and, um, and you know, in that moment, uh, that you're not, he does not even asking you a question. The question becomes in your mind, what do you do? How do, how do you handle? How do you react? And, and the way I interpret it is you make a conscious decision. Okay. I see this paparazzo there. Nothing new. It must happen frequently. I'm just going to continue walking, going about my day. Right. Uh, but your brain is very conscious of the fact that now you're deliberately walking, uh, with, with purpose. Now, listen, you're a man with good posture. Uh, I myself am not, and I've always appreciated that about you. You stand very erect. Okay. Now, a lot of taller people have a problem with good posture because they feel insecure about their height and they're even subconsciously trying to shrink down a bit. But you, you own it. I've always appreciated that.

• 6:06Speaker 02

  Now, in this particular moment, and I've seen you walk many times over many years. In this particular moment, I'm convinced that your mind is so. deliberate about I'm going to walk confidently. You pass the camera, you start, you're coming at him and you pass and then there's a shot of your ass. Walking away and your ass cheeks are gyrating from side to side because you're you're walking with such purpose. Now, listen, you have a high rider, you always have your ass. If one were to categorize different asses, they do fall into general. Everyone has a unique ass. I'm not trying to diminish anybody's uniqueness. But what I'm saying is there are general categories and yours is you'll call your ass flat. But to me, the flatness is not the most significant characteristic.

• 6:49Speaker 02

  You have a high rider, it rides high up on your legs and and that has a very specific look. And when you're walking away from this man's camera with such confidence, such deliberate confidence. Your ass cheeks are gyrating from side to side. It's a saunter. It is the perfect representation of a saunter. And in that moment, I don't know if you were feeling a sexuality in you in your confidence. But I'm telling you, your ass and and your pants are very form fitting as well. I remember the days when as a tall man, you found it hard to buy jeans that were long enough. And and then you found a guy to start custom making your jeans and your pants are so well fitted now. They're really hugging those ass cheeks and and I just think it's remarkable.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  I think we should acknowledge your ass, the behavior of your ass as you're walking away from camera in this paparazzo video.

• 7:38Conan O'Brien?

  Would you like that to go on any longer before I interrupt you or are you done?

• 7:42Speaker 02

  I I said what I needed to say.

• 7:43Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, um, I uh, I don't recall this. In general, it looks like it's a springtime, maybe fall, who can say?

• 7:54Speaker 02

  Maybe about forty nine weeks ago.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  Somewhere around May seventeenth, two thousand twenty four.

• 8:01Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I'm guessing there's a date on this.

• 8:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:05Conan O'Brien?

  And we live in an era now where people have cameras out all the time. They have, there's paparazzo cameras, but there's also just people with iPhones, whatever. So you get less self-conscious about it over time. I think, I don't think I'm that much affected by this person.

• 8:26Speaker 02

  You're saying you would be walking like that. Again, you haven't seen this footage.

• 8:30Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, but I know how I walk. I walk. Here's what I'll tell you. You've walked with me. I walk very quickly. I walk with purpose. I do have very good posture. None other than Steve Martin once in a note to me, talked to me about my posture.

• 8:46Speaker 02

  Fascinating.

• 8:46Conan O'Brien?

  And said, pointed out that my posture was so good that it distracted him from whatever I was saying. Meaning that he thought my posture was much more impressive than my comedy.

• 9:00Conan O'Brien?

  And I do think it's possible that I'm trying to, this is my way of coming on to whoever's photographing me, that maybe I'm putting a little English on the ass.

• 9:12Speaker 02

  I think you were. I've never seen your ass move like this, and I've seen your ass move many times.

• 9:16Conan O'Brien?

  And you're, you're, you keep an eye on my ass?

• 9:19Speaker 02

  It presents itself to me. I'm not looking for it and I'm not looking away from it.

• 9:23Conan O'Brien?

  My ass presents itself.

• 9:24Speaker 02

  Yes, it presents itself to me in certain situations. I never expected to, but sometimes there it is. Like I say, I don't turn toward or away. If it falls into my field of vision, if I'm looking this way and your ass moves there, I'm not gonna look away from it.

• 9:38Conan O'Brien?

  You're saying much like a baboon. I use my ass to attract you.

• 9:43Speaker 02

  You know what? A baboon is a perfect analogy. Yes.

• 9:46Conan O'Brien?

  And a baboon.

• 9:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:48Conan O'Brien?

  When a baboon's ass becomes quite red, they present it.

• 9:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:51Conan O'Brien?

  And presenting the ass is maybe the most primordial

• 9:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:56Conan O'Brien?

  form

• 9:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:57Conan O'Brien?

  of a sexual come on.

• 9:58Speaker 02

  Yeah. I honestly don't think you meant to be sexual, but I've never seen your ass move like this, and I know you were working, you were walking with a determined sense of confidence, and it manifested in your ass cheeks gyrating from left to right.

• 10:13Conan O'Brien?

  Should we look at it?

• 10:14Speaker 02

  Roll the tape.

• 10:15Conan O'Brien?

  Sure. How's it going? Good to see you. Yeah, good to see you too.

• 10:20Conan O'Brien?

  I don't see a lot of gyrating going on there.

• 10:24Speaker 02

  Do you see how like there is a, see there are two diagonal creases? Primary diagonal creases in the pants.

• 10:31Conan O'Brien?

  Eduardo, do you want to jump in? Do you see a lot of undulation of ass?

• 10:34Speaker 02

  I don't know what to say.

• 10:36Conan O'Brien?

  You can say whatever.

• 10:37Speaker 02

  No, I just see a normal person walking.

• 10:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I don't see, I don't see what you see.

• 10:42Speaker 02

  Okay, so there are two diagonal creases, primary diagonal creases in the pants, and as you walk.

• 10:46Conan O'Brien?

  You know what this is? This is, this is the Zapruder film.

• 10:49Speaker 02

  I would have to see the opposite of that to be able to compare. You can't identify the variable without the control.

• 10:54Conan O'Brien?

  This is the Zapruder film, meaning, uh, a lone assassin theorist, like myself, looks at it and goes, "Yeah, that's Oswald getting off, three shots and two of them hit."

• 11:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:09Conan O'Brien?

  But you show the exact same footage to a conspiracy theorist and they see 15 gunshots and people with arrows and parachutists and all kinds of stuff. I, uh, I don't know how not to walk like that. You know, I don't know how to...

• 11:28Conan O'Brien?

  For that not to happen.

• 11:29Speaker 02

  Right.

• 11:30Conan O'Brien?

  For one buttock not to be moving independently of the other, you would have to sew my buttocks shut and I would have to be on some kind of electric scooter where my legs are immobile.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:41Conan O'Brien?

  That's the only way you could achieve the non-undulation.

• 11:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:47Conan O'Brien?

  That's the only way that could happen.

• 11:48Speaker 02

  Well, look, I have confidence in my observational skills and I'm familiar with your ass.

• 11:52Conan O'Brien?

  I don't. And you say you're familiar with my ass.

• 11:55Speaker 02

  Obviously, something jumped out at me about this particular way your ass was moving. I immediately sent it to Frank.

• 11:59Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I'm gonna, uh, stand.

• 12:01Speaker 02

  Okay. You can take the headphones off.

• 12:04Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I want to keep them on just so I can hear.

• 12:06Speaker 02

  All right.

• 12:07Conan O'Brien?

  It's me wearing...

• 12:07Speaker 02

  So, yeah. All right.

• 12:09Conan O'Brien?

  And so I'm walking.

• 12:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:11Conan O'Brien?

  Now, you have me...

• 12:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, like, that's what I'm talking about.

• 12:13Conan O'Brien?

  You have this happening.

• 12:14Speaker 02

  I didn't see the, you see these two diagonal creases right here? I, and they have a, I didn't see that until you started sticking your ass out right now. When you first started doing it, I, I just saw a big blob of fabric.

• 12:26Conan O'Brien?

  Was this an excuse to touch me? You didn't need to touch me, you just touched my-

• 12:30Speaker 02

  The back of my hands, that's how they do it at the TSA. That's not, that doesn't count. The front of the hands counts, the back of the hands doesn't count.

• 12:38Conan O'Brien?

  Look at his maniacal puss.

• 12:39Speaker 02

  No, that's how they do it at the TSA.

• 12:40Conan O'Brien?

  Look at his maniacal puss. Whenever you start to lose it, you get crazy eyes.

• 12:44Speaker 02

  No.

• 12:44Conan O'Brien?

  You get crazy eyes.

• 12:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:46Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, so you go on a subway and you take the backs of your hands-

• 12:49Speaker 02

  I don't, I'm not interested.

• 12:50Conan O'Brien?

  And you touch women's asses and then say, "Hey TSA, TSA, TSA in the USA." That's what you do?

• 12:55Speaker 02

  I am telling you, it is very asexual to touch anything with the back of your hands.

• 13:00Conan O'Brien?

  That's not true. I think some of the most-

• 13:02Speaker 02

  No, there's no-

• 13:03Conan O'Brien?

  Some of the most erotic moments of my life have been with the back of my hands.

• 13:07Speaker 02

  What are you talking about? How would you ever, how would you ever in a sexual situation use the back of your hand?

• 13:12Conan O'Brien?

  What are you talking about? I use the back of my hands all the time in a sexual way.

• 13:15Speaker 02

  No, it's counterintuitive, it's completely a-

• 13:16Conan O'Brien?

  You haven't done that?

• 13:17Speaker 02

  No, there's nothing you can do to anything.

• 13:20Conan O'Brien?

  It's called painting the house. What you do is you brush the woman, or, I'm gonna say, listen, we live in a culture where it could be a woman and a guy on guy, whatever, it doesn't matter to me, woman on woman, you know. What I'm saying is, I have often used that motion, I've often used the back of my hands.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  The difference between the front of the hand and the back of the hand is immense.

• 13:39Conan O'Brien?

  Not true.

• 13:40Speaker 02

  It's not subtle, it is not subtle.

• 13:42Conan O'Brien?

  Old wives' tale, there's more nerve endings on the back of your hand.

• 13:45Speaker 02

  No, that's ridiculous.

• 13:46Conan O'Brien?

  And guess what?

• 13:46Speaker 02

  Just a psychological?

• 13:47Conan O'Brien?

  The most erogenous zone, and this is a true fact, it was in Men's Health, three months ago, look it up.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:53Conan O'Brien?

  Um, Ryan Reynolds is on the cover, is the back of the hand and the knuckles are the most erogenous zone on the body, more so than any other part of the body. True story.

• 14:02Speaker 02

  Can you imagine if you were gifted a sexual experience with someone you, you were incredibly attracted to?

• 14:08Conan O'Brien?

  Bridgette Bardot, Bridgette Bardot, 1958.

• 14:10Speaker 02

  1958, but the rule was you could only use the back-

• 14:13Conan O'Brien?

  That would be my request.

• 14:14Speaker 02

  You could only use the back-

• 14:15Conan O'Brien?

  That would be the back, that would be my request.

• 14:17Speaker 02

  You cannot do anything you want with the back of your hands.

• 14:20Conan O'Brien?

  My request.

• 14:20Speaker 02

  What a horrible, frustrating way to leave somebody hanging.

• 14:23Conan O'Brien?

  My, that's not true.

• 14:25Speaker 02

  What are you talking about?

• 14:25Conan O'Brien?

  You've never even tried it.

• 14:26Speaker 02

  No, what are you talking-

• 14:27Conan O'Brien?

  You haven't tried it.

• 14:28Speaker 02

  Of course I haven't tried it.

• 14:29Conan O'Brien?

  Well, if you haven't tried it, how do you know what you're talking about? You're missing out on the-

• 14:32Speaker 02

  Because some things you just know.

• 14:33Conan O'Brien?

  The greatest sexual high is using the erogenous zone. The primary erogenous zones of the body are the left and right back of hands. And do you know that the knuckles, the knuckles were thought of by the Greeks as the center of eroticism?

• 14:47Speaker 02

  Do you know what ruined orgasms are? Do you know this sexual genre?

• 14:51Conan O'Brien?

  What's it called? Ruined?

• 14:53Speaker 02

  Ruined orgasms.

• 14:54Conan O'Brien?

  Do you mean ruined?

• 14:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, ruined.

• 14:56Conan O'Brien?

  You just said ruined.

• 14:58Speaker 02

  That's the same thing.

• 14:59Conan O'Brien?

  Are you losing your mind? Look at your eyebrows.

• 15:01Speaker 02

  Forget about ruined.

• 15:02Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, Riddler, your eyebrows are going off the charts.

• 15:04Speaker 02

  Listen to me. Do you know about ruined orgasms? It's a sexual fetish. Do you understand? It's when you, it's when, uh, I want to say this in a tasteful way. When, uh, someone is going to have an orgasm.

• 15:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, when someone's about to.

• 15:19Speaker 02

  But at the critical moment, the sexual stimulation stops.

• 15:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 15:23Speaker 02

  Now, it's too late to stop the orgasm, but you're not enjoying the orgasm. But people love that. To me.

• 15:29Conan O'Brien?

  What do you mean, love it? Who loves it?

• 15:30Speaker 02

  I'm saying people are into it. You know, deviant, deviant.

• 15:33Conan O'Brien?

  Can I say it the correct way? Ruined?

• 15:35Speaker 02

  Ruined orgasm.

• 15:35Conan O'Brien?

  Is that a New York thing when you say ruined?

• 15:38Speaker 02

  I don't know. That's the way I say it. Ruined.

• 15:40Conan O'Brien?

  I've never said ruined. I'm from New York.

• 15:44Speaker 02

  I have a problem. But what I'm saying is, what I'm saying is, that to me is another untapped sexual genre of you can be with anyone you want. You can do anything you want. Like a woman says, "Take me. Do whatever you want, but only use the back of your hands."

• 15:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 15:58Speaker 02

  That's incredibly frustrating. That's like you ruined the experience.

• 16:01Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'd say, I more think you ruined it. But I, I disagree with you. And I think you're, you're berating something you haven't tried. And I suggest that you go home tonight, talk about it with your wife, and say that you want to paint the barn. And that's called, that's using the back of the hands. And, uh, just try it. But I don't see, you've read into this Conan paparazzi footage of me walking, and it's, it's nonsense. It's nonsensical. Um, and I think, I'm glad that Eduardo spoke up. There's no, there's no there there. You're seeing, you're lost in a mystical world of my ass.

• 16:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:35Conan O'Brien?

  And you've, and you can't find your way out. You're seeing things that aren't there.

• 16:38Speaker 02

  Like any great piece of media or art, we're all allowed our own interpretations. Eduardo, I appreciate the way he sees it. I appreciate the way I see it.

• 16:46Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. If you ever touch me again, the front or back of hands, I'll pound you.

• 16:51Speaker 02

  Okay, yes.

• 16:52Conan O'Brien?

  I'll pound your face to clay.

• 16:53Speaker 02

  Understood.

• 16:54Conan O'Brien?

  Okay?

• 16:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:55Conan O'Brien?

  You just, never do that. Or you ask first. With the TSA, it's understood that this is gonna happen.

• 16:59Speaker 02

  How would I have asked?

• 17:00Conan O'Brien?

  You would have said, "May I now touch you?"

• 17:02Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 17:03Conan O'Brien?

  And I've said, "No."

• 17:04Speaker 02

  I should have said that.

• 17:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  I, I don't disagree.

• 17:12Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 17:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 17:15Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 17:30Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 17:38Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 17:43Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5 N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 18:02Speaker 01

  Hello!

• 18:03Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I had this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality innovation technology and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 18:37Conan O'Brien?

  Did you know that one in four Americans targeted by scams end up falling for them? You fell for one.

• 18:42Speaker 01

  I fell for a scam.

• 18:44Conan O'Brien?

  Now, you didn't lose too much money, but you did lose.

• 18:46Speaker 01

  I did lose and it was very inconvenient and now they put protections on my account like I'm, uh, dumb.

• 18:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I don't know where they got that impression.

• 18:56Conan O'Brien?

  Criminals are now using AI to make scams look more realistic than ever. In 2025, AI fraud spiked 1,210% and cost Americans $893 million. That's incredible. Well, with AI, it can get so smart now.

• 19:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:13Conan O'Brien?

  Do you know what I mean?

• 19:13Speaker 01

  Maybe I should start scamming.

• 19:15Conan O'Brien?

  No, that's not the point.

• 19:16Speaker 01

  Oh, no, that's not the point of this.

• 19:17Conan O'Brien?

  That's not the point.

• 19:18Speaker 01

  It's so much money.

• 19:19Conan O'Brien?

  So quick, Sona can expose your information, putting you at risk of identity theft. Luckily, this is the point. Not that you should start scamming, but that everyone should get LifeLock.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  Right, right, right, right.

• 19:29Conan O'Brien?

  LifeLock has live US-based restoration specialists who will be with you every step of the way to fix your identity theft from first alert to full restoration. This is fantastic. How do you not have this?

• 19:40Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 19:41Conan O'Brien?

  If you have expenses or money stolen due to identity theft, you're backed by the million-dollar protection package with up to $3 million coverage in some plans.

• 19:48Speaker 01

  Mm.

• 19:49Conan O'Brien?

  Join now and save up to 30% off your first year. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 20:01Conan O'Brien?

  We all have those pieces in our closet we can count on. Sona, I imagine for you it's that leather jacket I got you.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  Are you gonna do a bit?

• 20:07Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, it's a really nice leather jacket I got you once.

• 20:09Speaker 01

  I had that and then I replaced it and yes, I use it all the time.

• 20:12Conan O'Brien?

  We all have that versatile jacket, the perfect t-shirt, and those are the pieces that make getting dressed easy. And you know what I was thinking about this morning?

• 20:21Speaker 01

  What?

• 20:22Conan O'Brien?

  Quince. They do it best. They really do. I was really thinking about this.

• 20:25Speaker 01

  What a coincidence that we're doing an ad for them.

• 20:27Conan O'Brien?

  No, a co-coincidence.

• 20:29Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 20:32Conan O'Brien?

  That's why I get the big money.

• 20:33Speaker 01

  I gotta go.

• 20:34Conan O'Brien?

  Cut to very small amount of money. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials and designs that are timeless, thoughtful, crafted, and made to be worn again and again. And when the temperature starts to drop, Quince makes it easy to build on those everyday staples with versatile layers. Layer up. That's the key. Now, Blay, you're using some Quince. That's right. I'm spending a lot of time back east in Michigan. It's getting a little colder, so I got a featherless quilted jacket in Atlas Navy, and I just feel like a different guy. I feel classy. You look like a different guy, because you're well-dressed. That's right. No, I'm serious. He looks like a hobo half the time. That's true. He's right. That's true. No, they really do great stuff. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go

• 21:16Conan O'Brien?

  to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK as well.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  All right.

• 21:24Conan O'Brien?

  And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Please do that. Say, by the way, I heard about this on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Oh, I didn't really ask. I just want you to know. It's the best way to support the show.

• 21:43Conan O'Brien?

  Ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first, but didn't live up to the hype?

• 21:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, like all the time.

• 21:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I did that with an all potato restaurant.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 21:54Conan O'Brien?

  Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for the numbers that look great, like impressions, but then they don't see revenue. You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Simon?

• 22:03Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, all the time.

• 22:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, LinkedIn has a word for that: bull spend.

• 22:07Speaker 01

  Bull spend.

• 22:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, instead, you can get the highest ROAS of major ad networks with LinkedIn ads.

• 22:12Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 22:13Conan O'Brien?

  Cut the bull spend.

• 22:16Conan O'Brien?

  Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend $250 and get a $250 credit. Go to LinkedIn.com/Conan. Terms apply.

• 22:31Conan O'Brien?

  As you know, the new season, Max Travel Series, Conan O'Brien Must Go, it's coming out, season number two.

• 22:39Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 22:40Conan O'Brien?

  And we are, it'll be three episodes. And you are a part of that journey. Um, I, I, people love, the fans love it when you come along and make an appearance. Uh, we went to Austria together.

• 22:55Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 22:55Conan O'Brien?

  This is gonna be seen by people. I don't know exactly when this drops, but I'm assuming it's, it's out, because it's coming out very soon. Uh, and people can watch it. It was a lot of fun. Did you enjoy Austria?

• 23:05Speaker 02

  I, yes, I love, uh...

• 23:06Conan O'Brien?

  Do you call it Austria, do you call it, do you call it Austerlitz?

• 23:09Speaker 02

  Uh, Oesterreich.

• 23:10Conan O'Brien?

  Pardon me?

• 23:11Speaker 02

  Oesterreich.

• 23:11Conan O'Brien?

  You okay?

• 23:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:12Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, Gesundheit.

• 23:14Speaker 02

  Thank you. Uh, I did, I, I had a great time. Uh, you and I had many moments, even off camera. Uh, I do believe that these experiences, uh, bring two human souls closer together. They give us, they, they, they put us in a situation where we flourish long after the trip has ended.

• 23:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Um, it's funny how you always need to point out that we are human beings.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 23:38Conan O'Brien?

  It's completely, it's, that's just wasted verbiage. That's packing peanuts.

• 23:41Speaker 02

  Well, it's perspective. I like to give perspective. And I speak the way I speak. Uh, you may not understand all my motivations, but they are very deliberate. I like to paint a picture.

• 23:49Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 23:50Speaker 02

  You know, we, we are looking down on ourselves in that moment. We are human beings.

• 23:54Conan O'Brien?

  Trust me, I am looking down on you right now.

• 23:55Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 23:57Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, Jordan, um, we went to Vienna.

• 24:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:01Conan O'Brien?

  I had not been to Vienna before. What a beautiful city.

• 24:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:04Conan O'Brien?

  Incredible, and you're a man of many tastes. Uh, you appreciate different cultures. And Vienna, I saw you really come alive in Vienna.

• 24:12Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 24:13Conan O'Brien?

  Um, and I wish I hadn't, but I did. You were, uh, you love your Wiener Schnitzel.

• 24:19Speaker 02

  Yes, I do.

• 24:20Conan O'Brien?

  And you had Wiener Schnitzel every night.

• 24:22Speaker 02

  I did, yeah.

• 24:22Conan O'Brien?

  And you wanted to try the Wiener Schnitzel in every restaurant.

• 24:25Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 24:26Conan O'Brien?

  Um, it is a, uh, I don't know how else to say it. It's a chicken McNugget. It's a chicken McNugget that's been pounded a little flatter.

• 24:34Speaker 02

  It's neither chicken nor a nugget.

• 24:37Conan O'Brien?

  It is basically a breaded, um, piece of white meat. Um, whether, whether it's veal or chicken, they make both.

• 24:48Speaker 02

  I'll allow it.

• 24:49Conan O'Brien?

  But, uh, thank you, Your Honor.

• 24:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:51Conan O'Brien?

  Appreciate it. Um, but it was quite good. But I found that by like night three, I was yearning for anything else.

• 25:00Speaker 02

  This is no exaggeration.

• 25:01Conan O'Brien?

  And you kept saying, the, the waiter would come and you would say, I'll have your Wiener Schnitzel, sir. And they would say, oh, they'd click their heels. And I was just like, give me anything else at this point.

• 25:17Speaker 02

  You, you are a hundred percent correct. And I would have thought that fried meat is right up your alley.

• 25:21Conan O'Brien?

  It is.

• 25:21Speaker 02

  It was for a day or two.

• 25:23Conan O'Brien?

  For, no, for three days in a row. And like by the fourth day.

• 25:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:27Conan O'Brien?

  I wanted someone to use that device that's in No Country For Old Men.

• 25:32Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:33Conan O'Brien?

  That Javier Bardem has that puts a bolt in your brain.

• 25:35Speaker 02

  Right.

• 25:36Conan O'Brien?

  I was done.

• 25:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:37Conan O'Brien?

  I was done with it. They also, um, not a lot of vegetables.

• 25:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's correct, yeah.

• 25:44Conan O'Brien?

  What happened with the vegetables? Did they, did the vegetables flee Germany at some point?

• 25:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, they, well, they, what they consider to be vegetables are potatoes, which of course is a starchy vegetable. Doesn't give me the fiber I'm looking for. I'm deliberately looking for fiber.

• 25:57Conan O'Brien?

  You talk about this a lot. Fiber is important to you.

• 25:59Speaker 02

  It's incredibly important. There's a, uh, food to me, the secret to eating healthy is combining foods. It's not what you eat, it's what you eat to. Together.

• 26:07Conan O'Brien?

  Ah.

• 26:07Speaker 02

  Okay, so for me, there are three components of every meal and every snack.

• 26:10Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna pretend to find this interesting. Yes, go ahead, please.

• 26:12Speaker 02

  Protein, carbohydrates, and fiber.

• 26:14Conan O'Brien?

  Wow, this is some new theory you've come up with.

• 26:16Speaker 02

  This is the way I live my life.

• 26:17Conan O'Brien?

  Protein, carbohydrates, and fiber.

• 26:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's the way I live my life. No, that's absolutely not everything. That means you're gonna have a meat, you're gonna have a starch, a meat or a fish, a starch, and then a vegetable. And the vegetable is where I found it challenged in, uh,

• 26:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 26:31Speaker 02

  Osterreich.

• 26:31Conan O'Brien?

  Um, I think we get a little spoiled here in Los Angeles. In Los Angeles, we have an abundanza, if you will. Uh, fruits, uh, oranges, um, I mean, anything you want.

• 26:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:42Conan O'Brien?

  It's at your nearest Whole Foods.

• 26:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:44Conan O'Brien?

  There, uh, am I correct?

• 26:47Speaker 02

  Well, I've traveled the world. And you have to understand, too, that,

• 26:49Conan O'Brien?

  That doesn't sound pompous at all, by the way.

• 26:51Speaker 02

  No, no, I have traveled the world and, and I'm not only coming from a frame of reference of Los Angeles. I realize that there are many cultures, they all eat differently. But you have to remember, Austria, while Vienna is not in the mountains per se, Austria is a mountainous culture, and food of the mountains is typically meat and potatoes. That doesn't surprise me.

• 27:07Conan O'Brien?

  Um, so you get your fiber, so things are regular, things move along, the trains move on time with you.

• 27:12Speaker 02

  One of many reasons to include fiber, not the only reason.

• 27:15Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. You said something interesting to me.

• 27:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:17Conan O'Brien?

  You watched me when we were getting on the plane, I think maybe coming back from Austria. And you said to me, this is true, everybody, you walked up to me and you said, I watch you.

• 27:26Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 27:27Conan O'Brien?

  Do you remember this?

• 27:28Speaker 02

  I, I'm surprised you remember it, but I, I,

• 27:30Conan O'Brien?

  You said, I watch you. I, I just, I put my stuff in the overhead compartment.

• 27:34Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 27:34Conan O'Brien?

  Click it shut. I, I take my book out and my laptop and my journal and put it down. And then sit down and you came up to me and you said, I, you said, I watch you. I watch your, you said, your motions and your movements.

• 27:50Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 27:51Conan O'Brien?

  And then you had a point. What was the point?

• 27:53Speaker 02

  Um, the point was, uh, well, there's even a larger point, which I've never expressed to you, but, um,

• 28:00Conan O'Brien?

  You said that I move with great,

• 28:02Speaker 02

  With great, you move with grace and dignity, um,

• 28:04Conan O'Brien?

  He said this to me. He walked up to me and literally people around me are opening little bags of peanuts or asking for the, and they're, everyone, people were listening to see this guy come up to me. Um, and, you know, obviously, I was, I hate to say obviously, but kindly, HBO,

• 28:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:23Conan O'Brien?

  Max had flown me first class. I believe you were down where the wheel well of the plane was, and you climbed up through a hatch. They wouldn't even let you in economy.

• 28:33Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 28:34Conan O'Brien?

  But you've been just clinging to the wheel, well, because when they retract the wheel, sometimes you fall out.

• 28:38Speaker 02

  I.

• 28:39Conan O'Brien?

  Into the ocean, but you've been rescued. But anyway, you came up to me and you said, I watch you. So you had been watching me and you thought that my movements.

• 28:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:48Conan O'Brien?

  Were beautiful.

• 28:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, I admire you. I go through phases in my life where I get really into something. And then it kind of passes and then maybe a few years later, Rush is like that. Sometimes like I'm listening to Rush all the time and I'm obsessed and I start watching a little bit. And then a few years go by and I don't listen. Same thing with my feelings about you. Sometimes I'm indifferent and and there'll be a year or two where I'm completely indifferent. And then there are some times where I really feel a deep, intense admiration for you. And I don't know if it's saying more about you in that moment or me in that moment, but this is one of those moments and I'm in the midst of it right now where I just admire you.

• 29:27Speaker 02

  For so many reasons, you've had many career-based successes, even in the past year especially. But through it all, you've maintained this grace and dignity and approachability. That is just astounding to see. And I watch you, when we get separated a bit. I watch you interact with other people and it's just stunning to me and I'm proud to know you. I'm.

• 29:54Conan O'Brien?

  This is very sweet.

• 29:54Speaker 02

  I find myself inspired and I feel like I can learn a lot, not from necessarily what you say, but just how you conduct yourself. It's great to have someone like that in your life.

• 30:02Conan O'Brien?

  That's, first of all, I do appreciate you saying that, but I remembered you specifically.

• 30:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:08Conan O'Brien?

  Honing in on.

• 30:09Speaker 02

  Is this boring you? You want to get, you want to get to something? You're honing into something?

• 30:12Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, first of all.

• 30:13Speaker 02

  I just exposed myself and you're like, okay, that's great. But what, tell me what I want to know.

• 30:18Conan O'Brien?

  What, I took in what you said and I appreciate it. But what I want to hone in on is it almost felt like you had watched me just. You said humility.

• 30:31Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 30:31Conan O'Brien?

  And that you had just watched me put my stuff in the overhead compartment and I thought.

• 30:34Speaker 02

  That's it.

• 30:35Conan O'Brien?

  I just put some stuff in an overhead compartment.

• 30:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:39Conan O'Brien?

  And you were talking like you had seen Gandhi, you know, bathe the feet of a leper. And I thought, eh, I, I, I appreciate all of this. I really do, Jordan.

• 30:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:49Conan O'Brien?

  And we've been together a long time and I appreciate you saying that and I do take it in. But I thought it was, I'm, I'm, I'm sitting down in this nice airplane seat and I just put my stuff in the overhead compartment. And you talked to me as if Christ had just raised Lazarus.

• 31:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:04Conan O'Brien?

  And that, that felt, I have to say, a little out of place.

• 31:07Speaker 02

  Okay. I understand you think like that, but what I'm saying is yes, you put your, your bag in the overhead compartment. You sat, you had a window seat, you had your glasses on and your hair was all messy and frazzled. And you leaned your head against the window. I think someone said something to you and you responded very politely. And I, and I remember just thinking like, and I have thoughts, I have deep thoughts in my head.

• 31:27Conan O'Brien?

  Well, anyone who says I have deep thoughts doesn't have deep thoughts.

• 31:30Speaker 02

  So what I'm saying is-

• 31:30Conan O'Brien?

  Einstein didn't go around saying, "I have deep thoughts."

• 31:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:33Conan O'Brien?

  He, people, real thinkers don't tell people, "I'm thinking."

• 31:38Speaker 02

  Well, guess what? I'm a thinker and I'm telling you that I'm a thinker. Okay? So there, I broke the mold. But listen, what I'm saying is-

• 31:43Conan O'Brien?

  Look at the eyebrows, look at the eyes.

• 31:44Speaker 02

  What I'm saying is-

• 31:45Conan O'Brien?

  If you're watching this, if you can see the video, when you lose it, your eyebrows become those of a madman.

• 31:50Speaker 02

  I found it, I found it. Okay? Maybe you have it backwards. When I find it, my eyebrows react accordingly. So I witnessed you and I admired you in that moment and I felt that I needed to tell you, even though I understand that to a normal human being.

• 32:02Conan O'Brien?

  Don't judge, like, don't say "normal human being" and gesture to me.

• 32:04Speaker 02

  These kinds of sentiments seem foreign.

• 32:06Conan O'Brien?

  Eduardo, am I a normal human being in any way?

• 32:09Speaker 02

  No.

• 32:09Conan O'Brien?

  No! There's never been anybody like me!

• 32:13Speaker 02

  No, you're a guy-

• 32:14Conan O'Brien?

  Where's your grace and humility now?

• 32:15Speaker 02

  You're a guy that would, you know how I know you're a normal human being? Cause you would do well in, do you know what the Jennifer Hudson Spirit Tunnel is?

• 32:21Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know what's happening.

• 32:22Speaker 02

  Do you know that Jennifer Hudson, she has a show? And, and when the guests go to the show, the entire staff is like cheering and dancing as they walk through the hallway and they dance too. And it shows what kind of person, what kind of brain you're dealing with. Cause some people flourish in those environments. They're dancing and they're moving and they're so natural. And then some people walk through completely awkwardly and that would be, I would be the second, but you would be the first. You would like embrace it and you-

• 32:45Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know that I'm ready for the Jennifer Hudson Spirit Tunnel.

• 32:48Speaker 02

  No, I'm saying you would, you would do well. And, and some people, it's, it's a little cringe-worthy to watch. And look-

• 32:54Conan O'Brien?

  So this is the, the guests have to walk through this?

• 32:56Speaker 02

  The guests to get to the studio and they put it on social media. It's a whole thing.

• 33:00Conan O'Brien?

  I've not been asked to be on Jennifer Hudson's show and I like Jennifer Hudson, I admire her. But I don't think I could ever walk through a tunnel of people cheering me on.

• 33:08Speaker 02

  It's a barometer for what kind of brains does this person have? How comfortable are they in their own skin? You are very comfortable in your own skin.

• 33:14Conan O'Brien?

  But I think I'd be comfortable in the Jennifer Hudson Spirit Tunnel. Yeah, show me the, Eduardo, thank you.

• 33:19Speaker 02

  Here's Kevin Hart, dude.

• 33:20Conan O'Brien?

  Here's Kevin Hart.

• 33:21Speaker 02

  Okay, he'll be a good one.

• 33:22Conan O'Brien?

  Well, if anyone was built for the Jennifer Hudson Spirit Tunnel, it's Kevin Hart.

• 33:36Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, oh, I see.

• 33:42Speaker 02

  Now, you can handle it however you want. People do different things.

• 33:50Speaker 02

  So you would do well. You were probably already envisioning how you'd handle it, and I would do horribly.

• 33:56Conan O'Brien?

  This is the staff?

• 33:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, this is the staff, and they write a song that I think has significance to that particular person.

• 34:05Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, you know what's interesting? Is there, how does she have any time to interview people? This is incredible. This is, this is 45 minutes, and it's still going. Wow, that is, that is incredible. I saw Kevin Hart age during that. He had a beard when it was over, that he did not have at the beginning. Um, yeah, I could handle that.

• 34:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:27Conan O'Brien?

  I could handle that. Let's see what it looks like. Conan O'Brien.

• 34:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, see, that's it, that's it. That's it.

• 34:33Conan O'Brien?

  Conan O'Brien.

• 34:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I'd do that for a while, yeah, yeah, and I'd do some, I'd do some push-ups and...

• 34:41Speaker 02

  That's how I guess.

• 34:42Conan O'Brien?

  I would, uh...

• 34:43Speaker 02

  You take it to the next level.

• 34:44Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I would do? I would not leave the Spirit Tunnel.

• 34:47Speaker 02

  Right.

• 34:48Conan O'Brien?

  You see how long Kevin Hart did? I would stay in for at least 20 minutes.

• 34:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:54Conan O'Brien?

  And they'd be out there. If you don't leave, the staff has to keep going. So they would go to a commercial break, come back. And I'm still going, and then they'd go to another commercial break. Other guests would be on the runway. They never, you know, there'd be people there to talk about real things. They'd have like the Secretary of the Interior, they'd have... No, nobody gets on because, and they would keep coming back and trying to get my attention, say, Conan, you've gotta just stop now because, you know, Tina Fey is gonna come. Nope, I'm just keep, I just keep going.

• 35:21Speaker 02

  Right.

• 35:21Conan O'Brien?

  I just keep movin' and groovin'.

• 35:23Speaker 02

  Right.

• 35:24Conan O'Brien?

  I would use the Spirit Tunnel and turn it into an eternal hell for the viewer. An eternal hell. Well, Jordan, I do take what you say seriously. And I take it to heart, and you're a nice guy to say those nice things about me. And, you know, I think there's room for us to grow in our relationship. And I hope you'll allow that growth to happen.

• 35:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:48Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you. What a warm response.

• 35:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, I would like to grow with you as well.

• 35:52Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 35:53Speaker 03

  Can I bring up something about Austria?

• 35:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:56Speaker 03

  I understand that you were a huge fan of the water.

• 36:00Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, true story.

• 36:01Speaker 02

  Oh, yes.

• 36:02Conan O'Brien?

  You requested certain waters.

• 36:04Speaker 02

  Oh, yes, Vosslauer, Vosslauer. So, you know, I'm a... Some people drink water and they think all water is the same. Okay, fools. I, when I, when I, when I encounter water, yeah.

• 36:18Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 36:18Speaker 02

  Okay, when I encounter water, every type of water is different. Obviously, the biggest difference would be sparkling versus flat. But even within that, what are the size of the bubbles?

• 36:28Conan O'Brien?

  You can taste differences in...

• 36:30Speaker 02

  A hundred percent, mouthfeel, taste. And I argue you can taste them too, if I gave them to you side by side. In a vacuum, maybe you can't tell the difference.

• 36:36Conan O'Brien?

  I have, I have to say, I, I might be a little bit of a dummy when it comes to water. I know, I know bad water, meaning, oh, this is water out of a tap and they put too much chlorine or the pipes are rusty, you know. I know that, but I don't think I know one water from another water. You know your waters?

• 36:57Speaker 02

  Well, I, I know what waters I like. So, the, one of the most defining characteristics about water is how many total dissolved solids are in them, expressed in parts per million, also known as TDS. So, you've got your average, like, average, maybe Avion has 150 parts per million TDS. And that's a very comfortable, it doesn't leach your minerals, nor does it really enhance your body. But, and then you have very, like, waters like Voss, the Norwegian water, which has great packaging and everything like that, but it's got like a very low TDS. And then you've got like a Gerolsteiner from Germany with a very high TDS. You drink a liter of this and you have like a quarter of your day's requirement of calcium. So there's a water in Austria called Wollslauer. And unfortunately, it's not imported into the United States.

• 37:39Speaker 02

  But whenever I go to Austria, to me, that's a huge draw to be able to order a Wollslauer. And you had Wollslauer too, because that's what people drink there.

• 37:45Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know, I had some water.

• 37:46Speaker 02

  That's what I'm saying.

• 37:47Conan O'Brien?

  That's what it tastes like to me. I had water and I, I don't, I, I did not drop the glass and go, um. Aggatn himu.

• 37:55Speaker 02

  Yes, that's right.

• 37:55Conan O'Brien?

  What is this? I didn't do that.

• 37:56Speaker 02

  You know, I watch you drinking it and I, I think to myself.

• 37:59Conan O'Brien?

  Why are you always watching me? All of your stories are you in a corner with your hands in your pants, watching me.

• 38:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's right.

• 38:04Conan O'Brien?

  What the hell are you doing? You're watching me on a paparazzi.

• 38:06Speaker 02

  But the rest is correct. Well, yeah, I, I watch you drinking that Wollslauer and I'm thinking, that jackass. He doesn't even realize what he's drinking. He's just shoveling it down.

• 38:13Conan O'Brien?

  You just saw a donkey at the trough, didn't you?

• 38:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's, that's exactly what I saw.

• 38:17Conan O'Brien?

  All right, well, let's, uh, let's do it. Let's get this going.

• 38:19Speaker 03

  We're gonna do a little blind taste test.

• 38:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I've got, I've got things to do and places to go.

• 38:22Speaker 02

  Oh, I'm sorry if I was keeping you.

• 38:23Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, not at all, not at all.

• 38:25Speaker 02

  All right.

• 38:25Conan O'Brien?

  Why don't you put this blindfold on and let's see if you can tell your Wollslauer from your shooting.

• 38:31Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my God, what a cuckoo.

• 38:34Conan O'Brien?

  You cackling chimp, what are you doing to him? Just put his.

• 38:38Speaker 02

  I probably don't need the headphones, because again, we're in very close proximity.

• 38:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, why do we need the headphones? Oh, it doesn't matter. Keep them on. You're sure you, you can't see through that and, and it's, it's a, do the honor system. Keep your eyes closed anyway. And why don't you give that a little sip,aroo? Each of us has a glass there.

• 38:54Speaker 02

  Oh, there it is. Okay.

• 38:55Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. And why don't you give that a little sip?

• 39:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, perfectly fine. I put it at a TDS of around, uh.

• 39:05Conan O'Brien?

  You realize we don't know what TDS is. You explained it.

• 39:08Speaker 02

  I just explained it. Yeah, total dissolved sol, expressing parts per million, calcium, magnesium, phosphoric acid.

• 39:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, um, yeah.

• 39:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, I put that at like a, uh, 234 TDS parts per million, uh, fine, perfectly fine water. I'd be happy to drink that.

• 39:21Conan O'Brien?

  Wapner, can you identify the water?

• 39:23Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 39:23Conan O'Brien?

  Try and identify it.

• 39:27Speaker 02

  Um, I can't identify it.

• 39:30Conan O'Brien?

  It just tastes like water to you, right?

• 39:31Speaker 02

  It's somewhere, it's, I'd express what it tastes like. I can't.

• 39:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's fine. You said it's fine.

• 39:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's fine.

• 39:37Speaker 03

  Well, that was, uh, your favorite water.

• 39:39Conan O'Brien?

  That was your favorite water. That was, no, no, take off your blindfold.

• 39:41Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 39:42Conan O'Brien?

  That was the much vaunted Vosslauer.

• 39:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, but that's the Ona. I wanted the Prickland. That's, I wanted the Prickland. You got the Ona variety.

• 39:50Conan O'Brien?

  I don't, I don't understand what you're talking about. What's the difference?

• 39:52Speaker 02

  You fools, you bungled the operation. I like the Prickland. I like the Prickland. You thought you were so clever.

• 39:59Conan O'Brien?

  Of course you like the Prickland.

• 40:00Speaker 02

  You thought you were so clever, you had half information and you didn't, and you didn't get the right one. The Prickland.

• 40:05Conan O'Brien?

  So this is the Prickland?

• 40:06Speaker 02

  No, that's the Ona.

• 40:08Conan O'Brien?

  What's the difference between the Ona and the Prickland?

• 40:10Speaker 02

  The Prickland is the sparkling and the Ona is the flat.

• 40:13Conan O'Brien?

  And so you wanted?

• 40:14Speaker 02

  I wanted the sparkling. I wanted the Prickland.

• 40:16Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? You're an asshole.

• 40:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:18Conan O'Brien?

  You're just a terrible person.

• 40:20Speaker 02

  Right.

• 40:20Conan O'Brien?

  This.

• 40:20Speaker 02

  I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for this, but if you're gonna do it, do it right.

• 40:24Conan O'Brien?

  I didn't do any of this. I didn't set any of this up.

• 40:27Speaker 02

  It's Frank who set this up.

• 40:28Conan O'Brien?

  But for you to say, "You fools, you fools."

• 40:31Speaker 02

  You're part of the operation. You're the, you're the figurehead of this operation. Everything goes through you.

• 40:36Speaker 03

  We got this from Austria. It was shipped in.

• 40:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, but you're trying to ridicule me for not detecting that this is my favorite water. Whereas you shouldn't have got the Prickland.

• 40:43Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, down, down, down Rex, down. What's fascinating to me is that the term, "You fools, you fools."

• 40:50Speaker 02

  Right.

• 40:51Conan O'Brien?

  "You fools, you've bungled it." That is reserved for the D-Day invasion.

• 40:55Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 40:55Conan O'Brien?

  That is reserved for Operation Desert Storm going wrong. That is reserved for a major operation, that, for, for the 1066 invasion of England by the Normans. That's what that's reserved for. "You fools, you fools, you've bungled it." Not getting you the incorrect type of Vosslauer water. That's not where you say, "You fools, you fools." Do you understand?

• 41:18Speaker 02

  This is my 1066 invasion of England, okay?

• 41:23Conan O'Brien?

  You went on and on about Vosslauer.

• 41:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:25Conan O'Brien?

  We gave you a blind taste test. You shrugged and said it's fine.

• 41:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:29Conan O'Brien?

  So, um, and then you, and this is after you had described it as the water that Christ walked upon. So you understand that now I'm a little, yes, it may not be the exact subset of the types of water that you like, but I'm a little suspicious that water means that much to you and that you can tell the difference.

• 41:44Speaker 02

  Okay. So I guess I'm the fool now.

• 41:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 41:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. You're the chimp.

• 41:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:48Conan O'Brien?

  You're the chump.

• 41:48Speaker 02

  Yeah. I have.

• 41:49Conan O'Brien?

  You're the orang.

• 41:50Speaker 02

  I, you see things superficially to you while water's the same, but I'm the fool because I understand the chemical composition of water and how it affects the overall experience.

• 41:58Conan O'Brien?

  You just had Vosslauer and shrugged.

• 42:00Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:00Conan O'Brien?

  Okay? Acted like you just drank it out of a Chicago YMCA.

• 42:04Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 42:04Conan O'Brien?

  Okay?

• 42:05Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 42:06Conan O'Brien?

  And so I don't understand why you're supposed to be the superior one here.

• 42:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, I, I.

• 42:10Conan O'Brien?

  Apologize.

• 42:11Speaker 02

  Yeah. If you're trying to make me look like a fool, I think you failed.

• 42:13Conan O'Brien?

  I, I don't think I made you look like anything.

• 42:15Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 42:15Conan O'Brien?

  I showed you as who you really are.

• 42:17Speaker 02

  Right. Okay.

• 42:17Conan O'Brien?

  I showed you who you be and what you be.

• 42:19Speaker 02

  I'm impressed that you found the Vosslauer though. I, I have never seen it in the United States. Yeah. I mean, I'm impressed at the mechanics of the operation. If, if, if the center of the operation failed, at least the mechanics were there. It was well executed. Poorly conceived, well executed.

• 42:34Conan O'Brien?

  Look at his eyes.

• 42:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:35Conan O'Brien?

  Look at his eyes. You have the eyes of a madman. You know that, don't you? The eyes of a predator.

• 42:40Speaker 02

  These are my eyes. These are the eyes. Why is it okay to poke fun at somebody's physical appearance? These are my eyes. It's true that the eyes are not often lumped in with the common slights that people are sensitive about physically. Usually it's things like weight.

• 42:53Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not saying they're not.

• 42:54Speaker 02

  Height, height in some cases.

• 42:55Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not saying you're unattractive or anything like that.

• 42:57Speaker 02

  But eyes is usually, you think that's safe territory? You think it's okay to poke fun at someone?

• 43:02Conan O'Brien?

  Your eyebrows get naturally high and your eyes.

• 43:05Speaker 02

  Why is that?

• 43:06Conan O'Brien?

  Do you guys see it?

• 43:07Speaker 02

  Why is this not inappropriate? To be fair, you talked about his ass earlier. Yeah. But I, I, I enjoyed your ass. I wasn't criticizing your ass. I didn't say, I didn't say your ass was aesthetically displeasing.

• 43:18Conan O'Brien?

  You zeroed out on my ass and I'm not allowed to talk about your eyes?

• 43:21Speaker 02

  You could talk about my eyes complimentary. You're insulting my eyes.

• 43:24Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not insulting them. I said it.

• 43:26Speaker 02

  Eyes exempt from the normal rules of physical courtesy.

• 43:29Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. I need a, this, I'm so upset now. I need a glass of this Vosslauer to calm down.

• 43:37Conan O'Brien?

  Hmm. Voslar. Um, I don't know that this is valuable to anybody. I don't know if anyone's still listening at this point.

• 43:45Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 43:45Conan O'Brien?

  If people are listening in a rental car, they probably veered it sharply to the right and hit an oak tree. Um, they've gone to a better place. Uh, I just want to say that once again, this was the Conan and Jordan Show, and we did our best to bring you my relationship with Jordan Schlansky. It's a strange one. I can't quantify it. I can't qualify it. Those are two Qs.

• 44:07Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 44:08Conan O'Brien?

  Um, and shout out to Questlove. But, uh, we're taking off now and Jordan, happy journeys to you.

• 44:17Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 44:18Conan O'Brien?

  In all you do here.

• 44:19Speaker 02

  And to you.

• 44:20Conan O'Brien?

  Have a drink.

• 44:20Speaker 02

  Out of LA from Italy, naturally carbonated.

• 44:23Conan O'Brien?

  Go ahead.

• 44:23Speaker 02

  Sure, it doesn't have the bubble size of a Gerald Steiner, but.

• 44:25Conan O'Brien?

  A sip.

• 44:26Speaker 02

  Excellent.

• 44:26Conan O'Brien?

  Have a sip.

• 44:27Speaker 02

  Delicate, elegant.

• 44:28Conan O'Brien?

  If you could sip, you can't talk.

• 44:43Speaker 03

  Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez. Our supervising producer is Andrew Gruce. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan? Call the Team Coco hotline, 669-587-2847, and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine

• 45:28Speaker 03

  podcasts are downloaded. And be sure to subscribe and tune into Conan O'Brien Radio, channel 104 on Sirius XM.

• 45:46Speaker 04

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• 46:12Speaker 05

  Call 800-333-4KIA for details. Drive safely. See retailer for warranty details.

• 46:17Speaker 06

  Monday on NBC. The wait is over for St. Dennis Medical. Strap in. The comedy about doctors.

• 46:24Speaker 07

  Woo, let's get it!

• 46:25Speaker 06

  Without boundaries.

• 46:27Speaker 07

  Healthcare is a fun, fulfilling, exciting career.

• 46:30Speaker 08

  Is it because you're getting sued and puked on all the time?

• 46:32Speaker 06

  And they're back for another dose.

• 46:34Speaker 08

  I want to show you the secret sauce of St. Dennis: the staff! This place is hell. Literal hell. Well, that's enough secret sauce.

• 46:42Speaker 06

  All-new St. Dennis Medical, Monday on NBC.