Zach Galifianakis Returns Again

Actor and comedian Zach Galifianakis feels Zach Galifianakis about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Zach sits down with Conan once more to discuss his early days as a busboy at a strip joint, why it’s so important for comics to take on the powerful, and pouring his passion for gardening into his new show This Is a Gardening Show. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Conan O'Brien?

  One in four Americans targeted by scams ended up falling for them.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  I did.

• 0:07Conan O'Brien?

  For me, it would be four out of four. Did you fall for a scam?

• 0:09Speaker 01

  I fell for a scam once.

• 0:10Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God. Incredible.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  They didn't steal much.

• 0:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, still, you got taken for a ride.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  I did.

• 0:15Conan O'Brien?

  And you just put it out there that you're easy to scam.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  I am.

• 0:18Conan O'Brien?

  One accident, a little click, can expose your information, putting you at risk of identity theft.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  Mmm.

• 0:22Conan O'Brien?

  Thankfully, there's LifeLock. LifeLock has live, US-based restoration specialists who will be with you every step of the way to fix your identity theft from first alert to full restoration. Join now and save up to 30% off your first year. This is a good thing to have in your back pocket, don't you think?

• 0:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I need this.

• 0:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you do need it. You need it fast. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 0:51Conan O'Brien?

  Now, Sona, clearly, I'm a very important person to you.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:54Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:57Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 1:02Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 1:04Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 1:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that jacket. Nice jacket.

• 1:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it, because you said you would.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Aw, man, I didn't know you were doing that.

• 1:14Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 1:26Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:26Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more, all in one place, so you can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 1:51Conan O'Brien?

  Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis and I feel

• 1:58Conan O'Brien?

  Zach Galifianakis about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

• 2:02Speaker 02

  I have to say-

• 2:03Conan O'Brien?

  I feel up, Zach Galifianakis.

• 2:04Speaker 02

  You don't-

• 2:06Speaker 02

  You don't seem up.

• 2:29Conan O'Brien?

  Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined by Sonum Obsession.

• 2:33Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 2:34Conan O'Brien?

  And, um, wow, let's pop it up a little bit.

• 2:39Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 2:39Conan O'Brien?

  I wish you were- I wish you were a voice on Siri. And you're just like, "Hey, uh, bleh."

• 2:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:45Conan O'Brien?

  No one would do- There'd be no follow-ups for Siri. "What else can I help you with?" Forget it, Siri. And, uh, David Hopping, you're a cheery chap. Hello. Good to see you. You too. Uh, Sonu, you asked me to do a lot of favors and I wanna talk about this.

• 2:59Speaker 01

  What?

• 2:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you do. You asked me to do a lot of favors. It's, "Can you do this for me? Can you do that for me?" You know, "It's Armenian this week and it's Armenian that week. Can you do a thing for me?" And it's- and sometimes I want you to know that it's a little much. You take advantage.

• 3:13Speaker 01

  Can you do a blurb for my book? Can you also write an intro then an outro?

• 3:17Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, what's going on? Do you see me and just see a doormat? Is that what you see?

• 3:20Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 3:21Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, what if I get you a doormat and instead of saying "welcome," it's just my face 'cause you walk all over it all the time anyway?

• 3:31Speaker 01

  That's so unfair. I'm so mad. I hate asking you for favors.

• 3:35Conan O'Brien?

  I know.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  Cause this is what you do.

• 3:36Conan O'Brien?

  Well, you don't hate it that much. I'm sorry. I'm s- you- how could you hate it that much?

• 3:42Speaker 01

  Why are you cackling so hard about it?

• 3:43Conan O'Brien?

  You're like a bird saying, "I hate building a nest."

• 3:45Speaker 01

  How many times do I tell you Conan agreed to do something for me? Like, never.

• 3:49Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, guess what? I'm an owl saying, "I hate hooting." Huu huu, huu huu, huu huu. I sure hate it. Huu huu, huu huu. 23 hours later, "Huu huu, I sure hate it." Huu huu.

• 4:04Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 4:05Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, that's my impression. If you were an owl and asking a favor was hooting, you'd be hooting a lot.

• 4:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's good- it's good for you to explain it. I hate asking you for favors. There are so many things people ask me to ask you that I specifically say.

• 4:19Speaker 03

  You filter stuff out?

• 4:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:22Speaker 03

  How could there be more?

• 4:23Speaker 01

  What are you talking about? Do you know how much stuff? First of all, it's your fault. Cause you made me, you put me on this podcast. People know who I am now. I'm attached to you for the rest of your life until you die. And so.

• 4:36Speaker 03

  Please, that's not for months.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  Come on. But it's, it comes with, I'm sorry, you did it. It's, it's your, it's you. It's your fault.

• 4:46Speaker 03

  You're a speech champion?

• 4:48Speaker 01

  Oh, come on.

• 4:49Speaker 03

  Uh, listen.

• 4:50Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 4:51Speaker 03

  I, listen, I don't begrudge you anything.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  Yes, you do.

• 4:55Speaker 03

  I do, of course I do. I just made it the whole front of the show.

• 4:59Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 4:59Speaker 03

  It's a lot. And David, do I do a lot of favors for people?

• 5:02Speaker 04

  You do a lot of favors for everybody, not just Sona.

• 5:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:05Speaker 01

  What the fuck, David?

• 5:07Speaker 04

  I'm just supporting.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  I don't ask for that many favors.

• 5:09Speaker 04

  You do favors for every, you do favors. Raise your hand if Sona's ever done a favor for you.

• 5:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:14Speaker 03

  Uh, the only, I actually never asked for favors.

• 5:18Conan O'Brien?

  When your Aquaman figurine got stolen from your apartment, you asked me to put up posters and I did.

• 5:22Speaker 03

  I never.

• 5:22Conan O'Brien?

  Then when your Iron Man got stolen, I put up posters for that.

• 5:25Speaker 03

  That's right. He, he offered.

• 5:26Conan O'Brien?

  Then when your, several hundred of your other figurines were stolen, you asked me to call the police for you and I did.

• 5:31Speaker 03

  That's right. It was very nice. I was just saying, I never asked for favors, but I know that you would help me out. The only favor I've ever asked you for is when you were in my short film and you did it and it was great.

• 5:39Conan O'Brien?

  So don't say I, you never asked me for a favor.

• 5:41Speaker 03

  But that was, but in 25 years, I've asked you for one thing.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  Can I ask you a question?

• 5:45Conan O'Brien?

  To be in a movie you made. That's a big favor.

• 5:47Speaker 01

  When you.

• 5:47Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just saying, you can't start by saying I never ask for favors, except for that one time when you did me a huge favor.

• 5:52Speaker 03

  I'm trying to help you in your argument with Sona. Why are you attacking me?

• 5:56Conan O'Brien?

  Because when I see you, I just see red.

• 5:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:58Conan O'Brien?

  You're like a, I'm a, I'm a bull and you're a giant red blankie. That's flopping around in the wind.

• 6:05Speaker 03

  You do a lot of favors for everybody and there, I don't know that you've ever asked any of us for a favor.

• 6:10Conan O'Brien?

  You know, Baskin Robbins famously, I think, had 38 flavors. I think I do more than 38 favors a day.

• 6:16Speaker 01

  That's our whole job. Our whole job was doing stuff for you. That's our whole job.

• 6:20Speaker 03

  You get paid for that.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  I know.

• 6:21Speaker 04

  I got you your lunch today. I ordered you a leave. Can we talk about that?

• 6:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:26Speaker 03

  Hey, if people know out there that I occasionally take a leave.

• 6:31Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know what you like to keep secret. No, that's a secret.

• 6:34Speaker 01

  I think we've all.

• 6:35Conan O'Brien?

  No one must know of my Aleve. You know, I, that's why I always, when I throw out my Aleve bottles, I always, I always try to throw them out in someone else's trash can, because no one can know that I occasionally have some muscle stiffness.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  I don't have time for this bit. I'm angry right now. I'm so mad right now.

• 6:51Conan O'Brien?

  You're, are you really mad?

• 6:52Speaker 01

  Are you done with the Aleve thing right now? Because I want to address this accusation you've hurled.

• 6:57Conan O'Brien?

  I'll leave it for now. Home run. Okay, wait a minute. There's too much to unpack here, as the kids say these days.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:04Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, I hate that saying, but my wife uses it all the time. We, uh, and sometimes she says it while we're unpacking on the trip. And then I think, okay, whatever. Anyway, uh, let's revisit this, uh, later on in the show and, um, get to our next guest.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 7:19Conan O'Brien?

  My guest today is a very funny actor and comedian who starred in the Hangover movies. Now you can see him in the new AMC series, The Audacity, and he has a new gardening show called This Is a Gardening Show. How does he come up with these names? He's truly one of the funniest people I know.

• 7:38Conan O'Brien?

  Zach Galifianakis, welcome.

• 7:44Conan O'Brien?

  When I walk into a room, I'm used to people, I mean, even pretty big stars are like, whoa, it's him, you know? And then I walked in today and you, your heartbeat's like one beat every two hours. You were just sitting there totally unimpressed that Conan O'Brien had walked into the room.

• 8:00Speaker 02

  What would you like one to do when you enter a room?

• 8:02Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 8:03Speaker 02

  And go like, whoa.

• 8:04Conan O'Brien?

  It seems insincere. Whoa, look at that guy.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  What up, brah? So good to see you. Hey, brah!

• 8:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's, that's the real me.

• 8:13Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I mean, um, we go way back.

• 8:17Speaker 02

  I've known you for many years.

• 8:18Conan O'Brien?

  In a showbiz way. Early, early days. You used to come on my show and you were always hilarious and, don't look at your watch.

• 8:27Conan O'Brien?

  What the fuck was that?

• 8:29Speaker 02

  It, it, time is moving slow.

• 8:32Conan O'Brien?

  It's so rude.

• 8:33Speaker 02

  We can cut this short.

• 8:34Conan O'Brien?

  I was trying to compliment him about how funny he was. And this is before America had Zach Galifianakis fever. This is back when they had Conan fever. And I lent some of my fever to Zach Galifianakis. And then America had the very contagious Zach Galifianakis fever.

• 8:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, I like to call it sizzle. I still have a sizzle.

• 8:52Conan O'Brien?

  You sizzled and sazzled all the way.

• 8:54Speaker 02

  A lot of sizzle.

• 8:55Conan O'Brien?

  To the late 90s, 2000s.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  Did you guys get my sizzle reel? I sent it over.

• 8:58Conan O'Brien?

  We got your sazzle reel. And it's past tense. The past tense of sizzle. You sazzled back in the day.

• 9:05Speaker 02

  I used to sazzle.

• 9:06Conan O'Brien?

  In the early 2000s, no one sazzled like you.

• 9:12Conan O'Brien?

  You're not gonna like this, but I adore you. I think you're a wonderful fellow. One of my favorite comedy pieces of work is your work on Between Two Ferns. I think it's absolutely hysterical.

• 9:24Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 9:25Conan O'Brien?

  And endures. And I resent you for that.

• 9:30Speaker 02

  Why are you resentful? It does seem, I know you joke about it, but I do think there's a tinge.

• 9:35Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, it's all real.

• 9:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, I do think there is a.

• 9:37Conan O'Brien?

  I resent you terribly because you are very funny and you are, but also.

• 9:41Speaker 02

  Is it my height? Is that what you, is that what you wish you were more like me about?

• 9:46Conan O'Brien?

  I do. I wish I was closer to the.

• 9:48Speaker 02

  Is my size of my head? Is that what you wish you had parking meter head? Parking meter body? Whatever this is? Is that what you're upset about?

• 9:56Conan O'Brien?

  Do people try and put time in your head so that they can keep their car there a little longer? Is that what happens?

• 10:01Speaker 02

  Do you wish you had a seven syllable last name?

• 10:05Conan O'Brien?

  I do. No, you are very funny. You're one of the funniest people I know. And yet, you seem grounded. And I don't know how to do that. I mean, this guy, he is of the earth. Yeah. He seems like he's got it all together. Uh, he seems like he emotionally wants for nothing. That doesn't seem fair. I mean, yeah, I get some chops, but. But I'm constantly racked with these roiling seeds inside me.

• 10:32Speaker 02

  Does every podcast turn into like a one man show?

• 10:34Conan O'Brien?

  I know.

• 10:35Speaker 02

  Like, the light should shift.

• 10:37Conan O'Brien?

  We don't need you to talk during this part. In fact, you don't have to be here for this. You're just here to get it started and then I do the rest. Have you listened to the podcast? It's pretty much me, Yimran and Yamran.

• 10:49Speaker 02

  I mean, really, it is, you're really taking the floor here.

• 10:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I am.

• 10:54Speaker 02

  But I appreciate all that stuff. I, I don't know if it's true or not, but I, I. I grounded is a good, is an interesting word.

• 11:01Conan O'Brien?

  I'll be serious for a second and then we'll go back to my one man show. You are hilariously funny and then very, I'm, I'm hard pressed to think of anybody who's been less altered by success. You just seem like if all of it went away tomorrow, you'd be very happy and contained doing whatever you're doing. And I love that about you.

• 11:21Speaker 02

  I think that second part is correct. I think, I feel, I, I am one of these people that feels very fortunate to be working. And, uh, but the first part about like having success or whatever, being known, that threw me for, that really messed me up. Not in a woe is me, but I just, no one ever asked me any questions until I was in a movie with a monkey.

• 11:47Speaker 02

  So I just, I found that to be odd, that switch.

• 11:50Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 11:51Speaker 02

  And I was older and I think I just, the BS of this, this business or whatever is, it's always been laughable too. I'm from a small town. I have, I, I think I have a chip on my shoulder when I moved here and I don't know. I think that's kind of healthy, but I, it affected me for a while and I feel kind of embarrassed by it actually, but yeah.

• 12:10Conan O'Brien?

  But I remember at the height of hangover mania, um, I was, went to some event, someplace and there were a bunch of, it might've been like on Hollywood Boulevard or I had to go into some event and there were all these people outside the venue. There was like a Spider-Man and there was a Superman, whatever, a Batman. And there was a guy who I, I thought it was you for a second and I thought, oh, there's Zach. I'll say hi. And then I realized it's not you. It's a Zach Galifianakis impersonator with a fake baby and a baby Bjorn.

• 12:45Speaker 02

  Dreams do come true, don't they?

• 12:46Conan O'Brien?

  From the, yeah, from the movie and it's so.

• 12:49Speaker 02

  I like the idea that you thought maybe that was me in the outfit that from the movie.

• 12:55Conan O'Brien?

  I hadn't.

• 12:56Speaker 02

  But can I tell you something?

• 12:57Conan O'Brien?

  I didn't clock the outfit right away. I just saw out of the corner of my, and by the way, you were known to promote that movie very hard, but. And all the sequels. But no, I just had a moment of thinking, because I know you, I know that that would have bummed you out to your core.

• 13:14Speaker 02

  That would have, yeah. But what, you know, what's interesting is as a, I wanted to do this experiment once and I had the wardrobe. This was many years after we did the Hangover movies. I had the wardrobe sent to me because I was in Vegas. And I wanted it to look like how pathetic it was that the actor got into his outfit and was trying to get recognized. And I did it. But no one came up. It was so embarrassing. No one did it. The experiment failed. But, uh, yeah, the, uh, the Hangover was big. That was a big, uh, change.

• 13:46Conan O'Brien?

  Right. And, but I do think it's good for people to hear from you that, because, and we talk about this a lot on the pod, but.

• 13:54Speaker 02

  Are you too busy to say podcast?

• 13:55Conan O'Brien?

  I am.

• 13:57Speaker 02

  You should do a doc about that.

• 14:01Conan O'Brien?

  I don't have the tie to do it. I, I, I'm fascinated by this idea that there's a lot of envy about, surrounding this crazy weird business. And people thinking, oh my God, is that would, all your dreams would come true. And what I've found is that it's a magnifying lens. It just magnifies things. So if you're insecure, you will become more insecure. If you tend to be angry, you'll become a rageaholic. If you are, uh, someone who's capable of feeling gratitude and appreciate the people around you, those things can be enhanced. But, but I, I do think there's a, you know.

• 14:37Speaker 02

  Maybe so. That's a good way of looking at it. Yeah. But I, I was angry about it, to be honest.

• 14:44Speaker 02

  I was intimidated by it because I thought as a comedian to not be able to observe because you had too many distractions of trying to hide or whatever. It intimidated me and I, I got weirded out by it. But now that I'm old, I like, none of it matters and it, you know, who cares? But it's, uh, it was a change. It was a change.

• 15:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I've always tried to picture you because I know that your success didn't happen right away. And I knew you for a bunch of years where you'd come on our show, uh, and be really funny. But the whole thing hadn't quite gelled or clicked yet. And then.

• 15:23Speaker 02

  And I was this busboy at a strip joint till I was 28.

• 15:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I was gonna get to that. Yeah, you were, you were, I was, and I try to picture you in these real jobs. I hope so.

• 15:35Speaker 02

  With my briefcase.

• 15:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I do think that's a real job.

• 15:39Speaker 02

  My canteen. Going to work, honey. No, but I had to wear like a cummerbund. It was like a fancy.

• 15:45Conan O'Brien?

  And it was a strip joint.

• 15:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, on Park. You were in New York probably at this time. It was called Stringfellows.

• 15:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 15:51Speaker 02

  So I worked.

• 15:52Conan O'Brien?

  I had a table there.

• 15:53Speaker 02

  Yeah. I never saw you come in, thank goodness.

• 15:56Conan O'Brien?

  No, I.

• 15:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was, it was, and, and the guy that I moved to New York, New York with, who we went to college together, he was the cashier at the strip joint and he ended up being Jimmy Fallon's head writer. Right. 80 Miles, if you know 80 Miles.

• 16:10Conan O'Brien?

  That's where all the best head writers come from.

• 16:14Speaker 02

  Cool. And then we're.

• 16:15Conan O'Brien?

  And well, I'm curious because I'm trying to picture you in a situation where you have the comedy mind that you have, but you're doing a job like that. You're, you know, you're working at a strip club. We say you were a busboy, bow boy.

• 16:33Speaker 02

  Busboy.

• 16:34Conan O'Brien?

  So you ring a cummerbund and.

• 16:35Speaker 02

  And it had a crumber. Do you know what a crumber is?

• 16:37Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 16:38Speaker 02

  It's a little metal stick that you take out of your pocket and you get the crumbs off the table for Wilt Chamberlain.

• 16:46Conan O'Brien?

  If Wilt Chamberlain had gone.

• 16:48Speaker 02

  I think it, I think he came, came in a lot.

• 16:51Conan O'Brien?

  Maybe it was another seven foot two legend.

• 16:56Speaker 02

  His name was Wilt Chamberlain. He was seven feet, two inches tall, but it wasn't that Wilt Chamberlain. Yeah, this guy was an accountant.

• 17:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. And a very good one. So were you funny at that job? And I bring it up because I know that when I did jobs that weren't comedy related early on, I was deadly serious to the point where when they found out later on, oh, I just got a job writing, I'm leaving. They said, how you, there's no way you're a comedy writer. Cause I was just dead serious, never made a joke, just did my work.

• 17:32Speaker 02

  That makes sense.

• 17:33Conan O'Brien?

  I think it comes with maybe being depressed. I don't know. What was your situation?

• 17:37Speaker 02

  I, uh, the strippers, uh, were not nice to me at all. I was really intimidated. The men that went in there were not the men that I would want to hang out with anyway. So it was a weird situation. I don't remember trying to be funny. I'm sure with the others, with Miles that was working there. Miles, I'll tell the story. I think I've told this story, hopefully not here before, but. It's a fractured media. No one's heard it. Go ahead. And no one will. But.

• 18:05Speaker 02

  Miles and I, Miles and I were getting ready for work. There was a snowstorm in New York. It was a blizzard. I'll never forget. And it was in the mid 90s. And I'm putting my cummerbund on. Miles had just lost a thousand dollars from the register. It's mafia owned, or it was, I think. And so he was so worried. He's had to go in and face the music. He'd lost this, lost it. He wouldn't have taken it. He lost it. So I'm putting my cummerbund on and as I'm looking over, I lived in his closet. And I look up and Miles is tying his shoe and he says to himself, didn't want me to hear it. Knowing he had to go face the music. This is worse than Bosnia.

• 18:46Speaker 02

  Bosnia was going on at the time. Yeah. And that's what he compared.

• 18:52Speaker 02

  And I'll never forget. He's not wrong. How dramatic.

• 18:56Speaker 05

  Not wrong?

• 18:57Speaker 02

  He's not wrong that owing Stringfellows a thousand dollars is worse than anything that happened in Bosnia. Well, if you know that the mafia might have. And then what happened, I think what happened, we go to work and the feds came in. They closed it down that day and that was it. A mysterious tipped call came in. Yes, from a busboy.

• 19:19Speaker 05

  That's friendship.

• 19:20Speaker 02

  Yep. But no, I was, I was very serious at that job, I think. Yeah. We shot a bit once in Houston at like two in the morning at a strip club. We'll be right back with the world's worst bragger. Yeah. We were there to shoot some peace and so I'm there. I think we were just trying to figure out, because my show in Houston at the time, this is like 1995, 96, aired at like three in the morning. So I went to places at three in the morning to figure out if I could see anybody watching our show and, and who's up and watching TV at three in the morning. And that, it ended up being very funny. I went to a bus station. I went to an emergency room and I went to a strip club.

• 19:59Conan O'Brien?

  And you walk in and you see these beautiful naked women and you know, just my, my head turned into a jukebox cartoon where all the cherries come up. It's like ding ding ding ding ding ding ding and coins came out my mouth. I was like, all the cartoon stuff, like steam coming in and out of ears. I can't believe it. Within 15 minutes, we had a problem with the camera and I were trying to figure it out. And this completely naked, beautiful woman who would have been my fantasy of every way of 16, completely naked, not wearing a stitch of clothing, comes up and starts to talk to me. And I'm like, I'm sorry, can you just give us some room? Uh, I got it. We, we got an issue with this camera. By us, you mean who? Me and the cameraman. No, no, me and

• 20:45Conan O'Brien?

  I am not that polite to my balls, to my balls.

• 20:49Conan O'Brien?

  I imagine you were there by yourself and you said, can you give us some room? Yeah, pardon me, testicles? No, I have a very, uh, different relationship with my testicles. But I, no, I was, remember being kind of irritated, like, can't she step back? We're trying to fix this lens. And I was realizing that, oh my God, you get inured, you get used to this right away. Like you're in there for 10 minutes and suddenly it's like, come on, naked gorgeous woman. Can you give me a break? We need to get this shot.

• 21:17Speaker 02

  And behind the scenes, there, there's nothing, like the women are talking about how much they hate the men, that they have to, like they, they, you know, so it's not, it's not thrilling backstage. It's a whole different scene. So

• 21:29Conan O'Brien?

  That's where, cause strippers love me. They just love me.

• 21:31Speaker 01

  Oh, huh.

• 21:33Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 21:33Speaker 01

  What?

• 21:34Conan O'Brien?

  I just, I think I'm the one guy that when I go into strip club, they're just like, wow. I love him. Conan, when is the last time you've been in a strip club? 1969. Right. I was six years old. Right. I was conceived at one.

• 21:53Conan O'Brien?

  We won't go further into that story. You know what I didn't know? I, why did I not know that you were, you were at Saturday Night Live? You worked at Saturday Night Live for a very That two week, don't they do a two week trial thing sometimes? They do. Yeah. Or I, I hear, I, I don't know. That's not how I came But I remember thinking that we were on a two week trial. My writing partner Greg Daniels and I thinking that was a two week trial. But then later on, someone said, no, you weren't a two week trial. But you were a two week trial.

• 22:20Speaker 02

  I honestly, when I got there, I thought I was, I thought I got hired as a cast member. Honestly, because I'd auditioned twice.

• 22:26Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 22:26Speaker 02

  And I was told you're gonna go and be a feature person. And I said, great. And I got there and they said, no, you're, you're actually gonna write. Which either way, it didn't matter to me. I was just so thrilled that I had that opportunity. It was, um, it was a tough two weeks.

• 22:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 22:42Speaker 02

  Because the table reads, um, I think even if you're, you know, know people there, the table reads can be kind of brutal.

• 22:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 22:49Speaker 02

  I just remember I wrote a sketch and it was, you could only hear the air conditioner in the room.

• 22:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 22:55Speaker 02

  I mean, I've been like that on stage, you know? So I'm kind of used to it, but there it was just, and I remember for some reason I was sitting next to Tina Fey. And I just remember her patting my shoulder in a very calm, not even in, not in a sarcastic way. It was really calming and I'll never forget that. It was actually meant a lot to me, but it was rough, but I was thrilled to be there.

• 23:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  But you don't know what you're doing when you get there, right?

• 23:18Conan O'Brien?

  Like it takes a second to figure it out and, um, it's not, so many shows I've worked on since. And I, you know, obviously loved my time at SNL and was so formative for me. But I've very much liked working in late night all those years because it felt like we were all working together a little more. You know, there's so much show to fill. There's for years, it was, you know, five hours a week you've got to fill. There's no elbowing for room or real estate. Do you know what I mean? There's just, if someone has a good idea, everyone's like, oh my God, that's great. Let's do it. No one's, well, that's a really funny idea, but I'm not gonna laugh because, and, and that's, so SNL definitely much more competitive.

• 24:03Speaker 02

  I don't know if it's like that as much anymore.

• 24:05Conan O'Brien?

  Might not be.

• 24:06Speaker 02

  Cause when I went back to host, I, I noticed, oh, it seemed much more, um, loose and friendlier. Not that it wasn't friendly in the beginning, when I was there for writing, but, uh, but yeah, it was an honor to, to do it. I, I didn't have any bad feelings about it, except for, you know, the tumbleweeds going across the, the writer's room.

• 24:25Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. And that feeling of when you put a sketch in, if it's not working, it read through. You can see everybody flipping to see how many pages this is.

• 24:36Conan O'Brien?

  So you'll have that moment.

• 24:37Speaker 02

  Are you not supposed to do that? I do that all the time at table.

• 24:43Speaker 02

  I'm always like, do I have any more parts in this?

• 24:47Speaker 02

  Scanning for my name.

• 24:55Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 24:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:57Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen. You know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 25:12Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 25:12Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 25:21Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 25:25Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 25:45Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 25:45Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 26:19Conan O'Brien?

  With the US Bank Smartly Visa Signature Card, you earn an unlimited 2% cash back on every purchase. Huh, it's a good deal.

• 26:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:27Conan O'Brien?

  No quarterly activations, no categories to track, just unlimited 2% cash back on every purchase. Sona, just the other day, I bought you this antique wig stand.

• 26:38Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 26:38Conan O'Brien?

  And I didn't get cash back and I regret it now.

• 26:42Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. Well, that's a very thoughtful gift.

• 26:44Conan O'Brien?

  Do you wear a wig or is that your hair?

• 26:46Speaker 01

  Absolutely not. It's definitely my hair. And so it's kind of, it's kind of insulting you would buy that gift for me.

• 26:51Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'll just return it anyway, but I do wish I got cash back.

• 26:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:55Conan O'Brien?

  Visit usbank.com/smartlycard to learn more. The creditor and issuer of this card is US Bank National Association pursuant to a license from Visa USA, Inc. Some restrictions may apply.

• 27:11Conan O'Brien?

  This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. Mental health awareness is on the rise, which is a good thing. And a lot of people, thanks to days like World Mental Health Day, which I think is October 10th, have people thinking about how to take care of themselves. And I think for some people, therapy can be a great way to support their mental well-being. Remember, therapy isn't just for big life choices. It can be a place to talk about relationship problems, work issues, or simply the sense that something feels a little off. With over 30,000 therapists worldwide, BetterHelp is one of the leading online therapy platforms. They serve millions of people globally.

• 27:53Conan O'Brien?

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• 28:29Speaker 02

  You're bringing in something that popped in my head, and I don't know if you and I have ever talked about this connection, and maybe he doesn't want us to, but Tommy Blatche wrote on Conan, right?

• 28:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 28:39Speaker 02

  Tommy to me-

• 28:39Conan O'Brien?

  One of my favorite writers of all time, yeah.

• 28:41Speaker 02

  I think he happens to be the funniest person I think I've ever met. Like, he's that funny. And I knew that he left your show to go write for professional wrestling, right?

• 28:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yes. He worked with us back in the 90s, and I knew him through Andy Richter.

• 28:58Speaker 02

  From Chicago, probably.

• 28:59Conan O'Brien?

  From Chicago, and he brought, and for a while Tommy didn't say anything, and he was super quiet. And I just thought, well, I wonder if this guy's gonna work out. I don't know. And then, um, he revealed himself in the writers' room and on paper to be the funniest guy. I gave him a shout out on Stern once, cause I was on Stern and Stern was kinda talking to me about, "So you must just hire like Harvard Lampoon guys?" And I said, "No."

• 29:24Speaker 02

  He was like a army guy.

• 29:25Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I said, "One of the funniest guys I've ever, one of the funniest writers I've ever known, I don't think went to college."

• 29:32Speaker 02

  Are you talking about Tommy?

• 29:33Conan O'Brien?

  And I was talking about Tommy and he said, "Who is that?" And I said, "Tommy Botcha."

• 29:37Conan O'Brien?

  So, he, uh, really brilliantly funny guy.

• 29:42Speaker 02

  He, he, his, he's on a level that I, I mean, the same level I would put you on, which is this, we used to do this bit back and forth to each other where it was just really this, just the dumbest person, right? And, cause Tommy's really good at dumb and, and it would be like, uh, what about drinking coffee or something? Like, it was always the most obvious, and it always filled up, follow with, "Or something."

• 30:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 30:04Speaker 02

  Or something. So, one night, Tommy's had to sit in the night at my house and we were both working together. We had to get up early the next morning for work and he's in the next room over. And at seven in the morning, I'm up and I'm just kinda ba- basically waking up. And I hear Tommy say, under his breath, as he's waking up, "What am I, awake or something?"

• 30:24Speaker 02

  And I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him.

• 30:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:28Speaker 02

  And I used to beg, like, he would make me laugh so hard, like, I didn't wanna leave him. It was-

• 30:32Conan O'Brien?

  So, he, he, this is one of my proudest happy moments. He, for, I would do all these riffs in the writers' room that outrageous, over the top, where I would almost play this over the top host who's incredibly abusive. And I would come into a room and someone would start to talk and I would say, "Play, yeah." But I, I remember at a time I was on this jag of saying like, "Why don't you go have a big tall glass of shut up juice?" And, um, it was just a really stupid childish put down that I was doing. And I would do it whenever someone was taking a swig of something. I'd be like, "A little more." Just after they had pitched something, I'd be like, "Oh, a little more shut up juice, huh?" Wet the whistle with some, and, um, they, Tommy left, cause he was gonna go write for professional wrestling.

• 31:15Conan O'Brien?

  And he told me, "Hey, you gotta tune in. I wrote this for The Rock. He's taunting one of his opponents and he tells him, 'Why don't you go have-" A tall glass of shut up juice. And I was so thrilled and I watched it and sure enough, The Rock was like, hey, I'll tell you something. And he's got like, and he's like, maybe you should just go have a long, tall glass of shut up juice. And then they cut to people in the arena and they're like, holding their heads like, The Rock got him. And then I think the following week, someone had a sign that said, shut up juice.

• 31:46Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 31:47Conan O'Brien?

  And I was in heaven.

• 31:48Speaker 02

  Oh, that's a payoff.

• 31:49Conan O'Brien?

  No one knew, I didn't care if anyone knew that was me or not. And then those are the kind of things that make me, uh, super happy. And sure, so, so Tommy, um.

• 31:59Speaker 02

  One of the funniest.

• 32:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 32:00Speaker 02

  Such a funny guy.

• 32:01Conan O'Brien?

  I'm curious, like you and these other jobs, it's interesting to me that, which I totally understand. You're not being the Zach Galifianakis that people would know. You're just grimly doing your job and trying to do it well, which would describe probably you and, I mean, I know that you were a nanny for a while, doing.

• 32:18Speaker 02

  I was a house cleaner.

• 32:19Conan O'Brien?

  House cleaner.

• 32:19Speaker 02

  Cleaning apartments in New York for a couple of years. Uh, yeah, I was pretty, you know, I'm a, I'm pretty quiet, I think. And then the comedy scene kind of maybe broke me out of my shyness, I think, uh, somewhat. As I performed more, I got a little bit more comfortable with that stuff. But, uh, yeah, those jobs will humble you. I mean, I, I moved to New York wanting not my, I didn't want my parents to have to like, send me anything, right? And they never did, and I was pretty independent. But my father, uh, he would send me things in the mail. I'm like, oh, go run to the mailbox. Oh God, I hope this is food. I hope this is food. And I'd open it and it was always irregular underwear. And just open it in the post office.

• 33:04Speaker 02

  Like, it was light. I mean, maybe it was sitting there to be potato chips. But it was always irregular underwear.

• 33:10Conan O'Brien?

  Was wrapped in it, you know? I don't know.

• 33:14Speaker 01

  Irregular underwear.

• 33:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's, it's cheap. My dad was cheap.

• 33:19Conan O'Brien?

  Cheap. I also think there's something to, I used to think about this a lot. When people get to know me and know my rhythm, this will be a little easier. And I think that would be very true of you. I mean, I always thought you would come on our show back in the day and people didn't know you and you'd sit at a piano and you would tell these great jokes, but you never winked, you never, you know, shot them a look like, you never ingratiated yourself with the crowd. You just completely went in and they had to accept you as you were. And I think you have to do that for a while in order to have people meet you halfway.

• 33:58Speaker 02

  I think that's a, I think you're right. I also think, comedically, I should say only, I've always thought it's more interesting if you're just doing a stand-up bit like that, to have kind of a disdain for the audience. You know, I, I, I never was like, hi, I'm gonna tell something like that, friendly. All right, let's tell something. See, stand-ups come out like, what's up Miami? God, that's a lot of energy.

• 34:20Conan O'Brien?

  You don't want to know how Miami's doing.

• 34:24Conan O'Brien?

  Miami has no concern or interest in you.

• 34:27Speaker 02

  I respect the, I respect the audience, but I, I, the, the relation, now performers have a, performers have a real relationship with the audience via social media that, that too, I've never participated in. I don't, that's a weird, I don't know how to do that.

• 34:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. You have something that I'm not too familiar with called dignity.

• 34:46Speaker 02

  And so, and a high self-regard.

• 34:48Conan O'Brien?

  I could tell you a lot of stories that would go against that.

• 34:52Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I mean, we've talked about it. I won't go into it, but I do think that was particularly helpful to you when you did your famous, uh, uh, Between Two Ferns, uh, interview with Obama because you're the only person that, that gave him, I mean, you know, I know that this in any way was just you doing your comedy, but you were so rude as that person. And it's hilarious because I don't think anyone's talked to, certainly a sitting president or even in this time, no one's talked.

• 35:29Speaker 02

  Well, all the podcasters that have had the president on now, they don't do their court gesture. They don't do it. They just, they suck up to him.

• 35:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 35:36Speaker 02

  So, the comedians

• 35:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 35:38Speaker 02

  that have had, that are podcasters that have had Trump on, that's, they're not doing their job.

• 35:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:44Speaker 02

  They're, that's not the job of a comedian. You are to challenge.

• 35:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 35:48Speaker 02

  You are to make uncomfortable, you're not to sit there and fake laugh.

• 35:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 35:52Speaker 02

  That is not the job of the court jester.

• 35:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 35:55Speaker 02

  Period. So, there is a difference. People were, actually somebody yesterday was talking to me about that, about, you know, political influence through comedy and all that stuff. I'm more interested in the comedy first.

• 36:06Conan O'Brien?

  Me too.

• 36:07Speaker 02

  You know?

• 36:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 36:08Speaker 02

  And whatever their, whatever their motive is, fine, but you, but, but the comedy has to come first. I remember when I interviewed Hillary Clinton, and I could tell she didn't want to be there, and I totally get that. I, I get it. But before we had set that whole thing up, they, they wrote back, "Well, you can't bring up those emails." And I go, "Well, we don't have to do the interview." I totally, that's fine, we won't do it. When you tell powerful people no, it's crazy. They were like, "Okay, we'll do it. Well, you can ask." Because it's not that important to me

• 36:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 36:39Speaker 02

  to do it the way they want to do it. You have to, if you're going to come on the comedy, you got to do it the way we want to do it.

• 36:45Conan O'Brien?

  Also, I, I, I see this all the time, and I've seen it for years and years and years and years, people not understanding that if they go to the supposedly vulnerable place and have a sense of humor about it, it is magical for them. People see they have a sense of humor, they see that they can take a joke. I mean, no one walked away from your interview with Obama and thought, "Wow, you really showed him." He got to be hilarious. He sat there and entered your world of, you know, being intentionally ignorant about who he is, what he does, cutting him off, being insanely rude, and gave it back to you in equal measure, and you looked at it and you thought, "This is a great piece of comedy."

• 37:27Conan O'Brien?

  And I know it reflects well back on the president, and our current president would do well to understand that, to understand that, you know, if he let himself be the butt of the joke.

• 37:38Speaker 02

  It's impossible.

• 37:39Conan O'Brien?

  And I say, I know it isn't possible.

• 37:40Speaker 02

  You wouldn't do it with him.

• 37:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it wouldn't work.

• 37:42Speaker 02

  It wouldn't work. I, I, I had.

• 37:44Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just saying in an alternate universe, if we're talking about a different human being, they would see that there's this misconception that, oh, the media just wants to go after conservatives. Um, and they don't understand that everyone benefits when they laugh at themselves.

• 38:01Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 38:01Conan O'Brien?

  Period.

• 38:02Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 38:03Conan O'Brien?

  Everyone wins.

• 38:04Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 38:04Conan O'Brien?

  If you laugh at yourself, it humanizes you and like pheromones are released and humans think that's a good human. Who, and, and, and when you refuse to let that happen, that's not projecting strength, it's projecting weakness.

• 38:18Speaker 02

  I agree a hundred percent. There's also the math of comedy to me sometimes where the punching down that the right seems to do something, and I don't want to get political here, but the, that's not as funny to me as taking on the powerful. Like, the math of it doesn't work.

• 38:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 38:36Speaker 02

  For me, like to take on some people, it's marginalized people, make fun of that. Listen, I'm all for humor, I can defend it, but that mathematically, so that's why you don't see a lot of comedy that comes out of the, like, the right, I mean, the right. You just, it's hard to do. I don't, I'm not saying, suggesting you cannot. It's just difficult to do.

• 38:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 38:57Speaker 02

  Because of the dynamics.

• 38:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:59Speaker 02

  Greg Gutfeld.

• 39:03Speaker 02

  What a hilarious cop.

• 39:07Speaker 02

  You got him.

• 39:09Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know, they'll show up to work again. Um,

• 39:13Conan O'Brien?

  I always love imagining these people being completely unhinged by a comment on a podcast or, you know,

• 39:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:19Conan O'Brien?

  Someone did a sketch about them on SNL and they're just completely unhinged.

• 39:23Speaker 02

  I'm sure.

• 39:23Conan O'Brien?

  And they can no longer go longer.

• 39:25Speaker 02

  But that's all for, that's all for clicks, though.

• 39:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 39:29Speaker 02

  You know what I mean? It's, it's fake.

• 39:30Conan O'Brien?

  Well, that's boring, the whole, the whole, everyone.

• 39:34Speaker 02

  Commenting on everything.

• 39:35Conan O'Brien?

  Out, yeah, and everyone has to, um, wait, did Sabrina Carpenter just slightly misspeak at a performance, uh, at Coachella? Or does, can we make that into something? Yes, we can. And then she'll apologize and I think, she's a fantastic performer, she makes a lot of people happy. I actually don't think she did anything wrong. She couldn't hear what the person in the audience was saying. There was no harm, no foul here, but people got a 24-hour news cycle out of it. And it's just, I mean, it's stupid.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  It's strange. You know, the other thought of that too is, it's interesting. People from the right, or whatever you want to say, they're always like, shut up entertainers, you're just entertainers. And I kind of get that because I'm from the South and, you know. But I always think, yeah, but you guys say that to us entertainers, but you elect the entertainers.

• 40:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 40:31Speaker 02

  Clint Eastwood, Donald Trump, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Fred Thompson, gopher from the love boat. I mean, I could go on.

• 40:38Conan O'Brien?

  His name is Fred Grandy.

• 40:40Speaker 02

  I could go on and on.

• 40:41Speaker 01

  You would know.

• 40:42Speaker 02

  Sonny Bono. I mean, it goes on and on.

• 40:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 40:45Speaker 02

  So it's always interesting to me that they point that out, but then they, they fall, then they, they're the ones that hire or elect the entertainers.

• 40:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 40:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:56Speaker 02

  I think even more so than the other side. So I don't know. It's very, uh, very odd, all of it, but it was a good run.

• 41:03Speaker 01

  Oh, no. Oh.

• 41:06Conan O'Brien?

  We're wrapping it up.

• 41:06Speaker 01

  Are we calling it?

• 41:07Conan O'Brien?

  We're calling it. Well, 250 is a good time to call it, you know?

• 41:10Speaker 01

  Oh, man.

• 41:11Speaker 02

  Um, yes, 250, 200. I don't feel any, is anybody celebrating?

• 41:16Conan O'Brien?

  I think they're going, they're gonna, well, there's plans to build giant monuments. Uh, I think the triumphal arch was gonna be, uh, for the 250th, I think.

• 41:24Speaker 01

  Okay, good.

• 41:25Conan O'Brien?

  We just gotta get that thing built.

• 41:26Speaker 02

  This is gonna sound controversial, and I don't want to, when Trump did that Jesus thing, I, I was the turning point for me. I was like, I kind of like him.

• 41:35Speaker 01

  Oh, like him?

• 41:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:37Speaker 01

  Oh, you, you, okay.

• 41:39Speaker 02

  What do you think? Am I off?

• 41:41Speaker 01

  But he wasn't, he wasn't Jesus. He was a doctor.

• 41:44Conan O'Brien?

  Well, he, yeah, his excuse was, um, those, um, I was a doctor who wears a robe and a red sash. And has like a halo.

• 41:56Speaker 01

  He was a red cross worker.

• 41:57Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, man. Uh, he's a very good nightclub comic.

• 42:03Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I, I was watching your gardening show and I want to mention this because it's called This is a Gardening Show and one of the Yeah, he was up all night thinking of that title and

• 42:15Speaker 02

  Actually, we spent about 400 titles back and forth.

• 42:19Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, really?

• 42:20Speaker 02

  Between two farms. I mean, it was like, you know, all these play on words. It was so, Ben, then the producer emails me and goes, the first thing you say is this is a gardening show.

• 42:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 42:33Speaker 02

  Why don't we just call it, and I say, okay. But yeah, that's how we got to the title.

• 42:36Conan O'Brien?

  Well, you know what I love because I've known for years that you hang out on Vancouver Island. And then to get to see you in your habitat is very cool. I mean, first of all, it's beautiful. But getting to see you, I, I knew that you were a very, sort of an outdoorsy guy. I didn't know specifically how important gardening was to you. The show is really funny and you get to be you, obviously, because you are you and there's no fixing that now. But the, um, but just getting to see you in that world, I totally get it. I, I, you like to get up in the morning and tend to plants.

• 43:17Speaker 02

  I love it. I, I, it's strange how much, I mean, I've been, always been a hobby. It's been my hobby, I guess, for 20 plus years. But now that I have some, some space, I've been building a garden. And I just do, I mean, I have a hundred little pumpkin seedlings in my greenhouse right now. But when I get back to Canada, I'll put in the ground and that'll probably produce 200 pumpkins for the year. I, that kind of stuff, it's, I, I can't tell you how much I love it. It's, it's a feeling that I feel like as humans, it's part of us, but we got away from it.

• 43:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 43:53Speaker 02

  We, we, we just, because, because technology and convenience has overtaken everything. We're pushing buttons is soulless.

• 44:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 44:01Speaker 02

  There's nothing there.

• 44:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 44:03Speaker 02

  For me. And I, I wanted to do this show for several reasons. One, you know, when you watch documentaries about where we are climate wise, you hear there's 64 harvests left?

• 44:17Speaker 02

  Okay, maybe that's not true, but what if it is?

• 44:20Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 44:21Speaker 02

  What, you know, this is, these are, there's a, there's, these are scientists that are saying this. Sixty-four harvests left. So, peop-, I see some people acting like, oh my god, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? And then I see some, people don't care. So I don't know, I'm just gonna go with what my gut feeling is, which is, maybe kids need to know this stuff.

• 44:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:42Speaker 02

  Wait till the Russians shoot down the satellites, motherfucker.

• 44:46Conan O'Brien?

  It's just a quote from the south I heard recently.

• 44:49Speaker 02

  Then I was like, yeah, I believe you. I actually believe that. That one I believe. And think about that.

• 44:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 44:56Speaker 02

  Right? So, all of these, I feel like the safety might not be there for the next generation, so I'm, and this is not an altruistic thing I'm trying to say, it's just a practical thing. Our food, even if nothing happens, even let's say everything stays normal, well, our food and where we get it and, and how, what we know about it is, um, we don't have a relationship with food, a lot of us don't.

• 45:18Conan O'Brien?

  Right, right. You think about it, birth, death, food, and where it's coming from, we're primal parts of our existence for so long, I mean, they're just, you know, printed into our DNA as we evolve. And then, within the last few generations, we've completely removed ourselves from it. And I'm gonna be completely honest with you, like, I know nothing about gardening, I know nothing about where my food comes from. I say to David, "I wanna get that," and you were like, "All right," and you get it, and it comes, and I shove it in my face really quickly, and with great hate. And, um, but it's the same thing about death, like, we're not, we're not, people used to live and die in their home, and people used to be there for it, and now everything's kind of farmed out.

• 46:03Conan O'Brien?

  So yeah, it's-

• 46:04Speaker 02

  But it's a medicine too, it's not just, it's just not-

• 46:07Conan O'Brien?

  It's not altruistic, you do it for yourself.

• 46:09Speaker 02

  Yes, absolutely. I mean, I, look, I'm a little chubby guy, but I love eating fresh vegetables and fruits out of the gar- It's like, it's, it's a high for me, it just is. So there's, there's many elements to it, but I'm saying, it's a medicine to be in the garden.

• 46:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 46:25Speaker 02

  It's healthy to be-

• 46:26Conan O'Brien?

  It's also, when you talk about, you've spoken- About this for a while and you mentioned it today. The kind of allergic reaction you have to the bullshittery of show business.

• 46:38Speaker 02

  Well.

• 46:39Conan O'Brien?

  And, and in some of it, um, there's obviously great parts of it. And then there's parts of it which can actually feel like a toxin.

• 46:45Speaker 02

  It's poison and honey.

• 46:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I, I felt this, I got a chance, um, Danny Harrison, George's son invited me to come see George's home, Friar Park, and I went and so much of it are George Harrison's, were his gardens, where he grew things. And I've seen footage of him in various documentaries, just tending to his gardens and tending to his sunflowers and tending to the things he was growing. And I thought, oh, and you know, he, Danny said, yeah, he told him once, you know, Danny said, oh, let's go into town, let's leave Friar Park and go into town. And his father said, why would we do that? Why would we go out there? It's insane out there. If you look at all the footage of his life in the sixties and seventies, it was screaming and madness. This was the antidote.

• 47:32Speaker 02

  Interesting.

• 47:32Conan O'Brien?

  And I think you've experienced being in the nose cone of the rocket. And there are people who are making a living pretending to be you, hanging outside of Planet Hollywood. That, you know, that's and like, we gotta get us a Zach Galifianakis for the party. I got one, I got one too. Well, bring them both, you know? So you're the, it's such a nice antidote to find those places where you can grow apples.

• 48:03Speaker 02

  Well, I, I also think it's possible in the cities. I mean, when you guys all leave today, I want you to pay attention to how much concrete is around you versus greenery. Just, just, just think about it.

• 48:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 48:16Speaker 02

  It's ass, it's crazy, it's really crazy. I mean, I think humans biggest mistake was fighting nature instead of working. We're gonna conquer it. No, no, you're not, no, you're not. It's gonna win. And it looks like it's definitely gonna win. So you have to respect it and honor it. If there's a God that made all this stuff, why would, why not respect it? And the other, the, the things that this God has made? That's coming from someone that has no idea if there's a God or not. But if there is, why is it the simplest thing to respect the earth and the humans and the animals on it? Other than that, what is there?

• 48:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 48:52Speaker 02

  I mean, this, where humans are going with AI. I mean, I guess, I don't know if I'm old fashioned, or I'm, I, I, maybe it's because I'm 56 now, but I think this whole AI thing, and I don't mean for medicine, I don't, it's got a lot of great things. Otherwise, though, I think it's another, like, biblical, in the biblical term, of biting the apple again. I just am very afraid of it. Yeah. The dudes that are designing it. Yeah. There's a real problem. Because these dudes, how do I say it? They have math minds.

• 49:25Speaker 05

  Suck.

• 49:26Speaker 02

  They have math minds. You know what I mean? They have math minds, and that's good. But there's very little wisdom coming out of that pocket of the world. Almost none. Yeah. And we're just running, all of us are running in that direction. The media, the, the media loves AI. The media loves social media because it causes more of this. Yeah. I love when CNN, they'll have a reporter on going, they'll do a report on social media and how bad it is for someone, and then after the report, Jake Tapper gets on and go, "Follow me on Twitter." It's asinine. Have you no self-reflection? Well, even how we communicate through text, uh, there's not a sarcastic font. Right? Right. And people are not good enough writers to, to do it, to text.

• 50:11Speaker 02

  As a comedian, to get back LOL is really diminishing returns. Yeah. I, so I think the way we have let robots do this for us has also made us a little bit off. Yeah. I just do. Um, I worry about the lack of human connection with that stuff. And maybe I'm, maybe it just is not as needed as we think it is. I, I don't know. I, I mean, I really don't know. But this world, this tech stuff, um, has always, I've always thought about, I've always worried about it. Especially when social media came about, and MySpace and all this, when it was done, you could do it anonymously. That's a weird start for anything.

• 50:54Speaker 02

  So the weirdos running this thing and good weirdos, I don't mean they're all bad weirdos. We need to something, something, there needs to be a guardrail and I think politically, nothing changes in the States. Until they regulate the internet.

• 51:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I do think.

• 51:09Speaker 02

  Not so we can sit here and talk, good luck. It could work for both sides.

• 51:14Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 51:14Speaker 02

  It just depends on who's going to control it, the messaging, but you're, I see how people scroll on planes. I'm like, that's how people get their news. We're screwed.

• 51:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I do think that if you look at the history of huge technological advances, including like the printing press, you know, uh, and how that revolutionized things in the early days, it's rough going. Uh, when people are handed a brand new superpower and we are at the beginning of this. And I do think if we survive it, there will be guardrails. There will be people that say, oh no, you can't have a kid can't have a tablet. We've figured it out. They can't have it till they're 14. Um, and that's a law, you know, or you can't.

• 51:59Speaker 02

  It's like how a city, like a city can be built and there's like crap in the streets, the sewage is all wrong. And then as it ages, they fix the problems.

• 52:07Conan O'Brien?

  We're at the OK Corral phase where drunks are punching each other through the swinging doors of the bar and landing in the mud. People are shooting their guns in the air going nihah. That's where we are.

• 52:17Speaker 02

  But do you think it's going to need a regulation to get to there? Do you, do you think the government?

• 52:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, I think it's, and I think it's.

• 52:24Speaker 02

  They're not gonna do it.

• 52:25Conan O'Brien?

  But you know what it does? It comes through just this hard experience and, and humans do, if they put their hand on the stove enough times, they learn not, we need a rule about putting our hands on the stove.

• 52:36Speaker 02

  I hope you're right. There's an, there's an addiction, there's an addiction thing here too, that we have it. That's the other thing is the addiction part.

• 52:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 52:45Speaker 02

  And that addiction is designed. Uh, listen, you read the, read the, have you read the Facebook whistleblower book?

• 52:52Conan O'Brien?

  No, did not.

• 52:53Speaker 02

  You need her, it's unreal. I read it twice. It's fascinating. So they know that they're making it addictive. So that's the problem.

• 53:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 53:02Speaker 02

  I think maybe with the comparing it to the old technology. Sure, you're right. I think the printing press, of course, it, it changed the world. Technology is what changes humans the most. Political correctness, for example, has always been in comedy for the last 30 years. It just has. The difference is the technology. The audience talks back now.

• 53:22Conan O'Brien?

  Mm hmm.

• 53:23Speaker 02

  And comedians, you gotta be okay with it. That's the only thing that's changed. Not, not political correct. That did not, for sure, it happened many, many years ago. But what really changed is if someone comes and sees you live and they don't like it, and you've said something, they're gonna either videotape it or get it. So it's weird. It's, it's all very strange.

• 53:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 53:47Speaker 02

  But then I see people on their computers all the time and like they never do anything else. My mind goes, well, when the end of the world comes, they're the veal.

• 53:57Conan O'Brien?

  Well, you know what?

• 53:58Speaker 02

  Soft.

• 53:59Conan O'Brien?

  It's soft.

• 53:59Speaker 02

  Soft meat.

• 54:00Conan O'Brien?

  It's a soft meat.

• 54:01Speaker 02

  So we might need them.

• 54:03Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 54:04Speaker 02

  All the veals up in Silicon Valley.

• 54:08Speaker 02

  We're coming to eat you, boys.

• 54:10Conan O'Brien?

  The way you describe it, we're gonna eat very well.

• 54:14Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, I, I want this to happen sooner rather than later. Just you and I.

• 54:18Speaker 02

  But also, we're humans, we're animals, right? Like, we need to move and think and talk and blah, blah, blah. This is, it's too mu- it's too much.

• 54:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 54:28Speaker 02

  I, it's making people nuts. It just is.

• 54:31Conan O'Brien?

  Well.

• 54:32Speaker 02

  I think it's making people mentally, I do. I think it's making people mental. Oh, a hundred percent.

• 54:36Conan O'Brien?

  I do, I mean, I do things now where I like brick my phone. Well, there actually is a device called the brick where you can turn off a bunch of apps. So that in order to go turn them back on, it's called the brick, but you, and I use that all the time now.

• 54:49Speaker 02

  Do you have email on your phone?

• 54:50Conan O'Brien?

  I do.

• 54:51Speaker 02

  And take it off.

• 54:51Conan O'Brien?

  It's too late.

• 54:52Speaker 02

  Oh, well, no, you can take it off.

• 54:54Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 54:55Speaker 02

  I never, I can't imagine having email on my phone. It's so, like, that's asinine to me.

• 55:00Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, what about, and you're including texts, too. No text, no.

• 55:03Speaker 02

  If I knew how to get rid of texts, I would. I don't know how to get rid of it. Um, we're in a time of over-communication, right? So my brother.

• 55:10Conan O'Brien?

  He says on a podcast.

• 55:11Speaker 02

  My brother, well, exactly. But my brother's like texting me over Christmas, got those paper towels you asked for? I don't need you to text me that you got them.

• 55:22Speaker 02

  I don't need that update. It's insanity.

• 55:25Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I've noticed too is that someone will text you like, how's it going? And if you don't text them, it's the person who maybe 20 minutes went by and they're like, what the fuck? You alive? You're like, I was, it was 3:00 in the morning. What's going on? Because they're so used to getting an immediate dopamine hit.

• 55:43Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 55:43Conan O'Brien?

  That they forget they're talking to someone who isn't walking around looking at their phone all the time.

• 55:49Speaker 02

  I see.

• 55:49Conan O'Brien?

  So I get, a lot of my texts are, did you die or something? And it's like, well, no.

• 55:53Speaker 02

  I mean, I see teenagers on planes and the mental illness that they're doing with their faces. Like changing it. And for 3 hours staring at a phone.

• 56:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 56:04Speaker 02

  Uh, you know, you're supposed to be bored. You're supposed to be. It's good for the brain.

• 56:08Conan O'Brien?

  Well, it's actually, and really good, I remember saying this when my kids were little, we gotta keep the boring parts. Because I remember when I was, I would get so bored when I was a kid and that's when my, you know, we weren't allowed to watch TV if there was school the next day. Um, which meant most of the week, we had none of this technology. And that's when my mind started to do weird things. Um, and that's how I make my living now. So you got. God, I thought this was gonna turn into a masturbation story.

• 56:39Speaker 05

  I think we all did.

• 56:42Conan O'Brien?

  That's what. I just get the air out of the room. That's. The story's not done. That's what I was, you cut me off. You're right. I wish somebody had.

• 56:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 56:52Conan O'Brien?

  That is what I was getting to. My mind started doing weird. Yeah. And my hand. Yeah.

• 56:59Speaker 05

  Come on.

• 57:00Conan O'Brien?

  And then I said, and that's how I make my living. And then I became a writer. I became a professional masturbator at the circus. Um. Yeah. Yeah.

• 57:11Speaker 02

  What'd you say to me?

• 57:12Conan O'Brien?

  No, nothing. Did you just accuse me of murder? No. No. I was gonna say, is there a comp, is there? I don't, no, nevermind. I don't want it to be in there.

• 57:19Speaker 05

  Is there a masturbator at the circus?

• 57:21Conan O'Brien?

  Like, no, is there, is there masturbation competitions?

• 57:25Speaker 01

  I bet there is.

• 57:26Conan O'Brien?

  I hope so.

• 57:26Speaker 02

  Eduardo?

• 57:27Speaker 01

  I bet there is.

• 57:28Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not looking this one up. No, he just meant Eduardo.

• 57:33Speaker 02

  He didn't even know you had a computer. What's going on this weekend? Weekend in the valley.

• 57:38Conan O'Brien?

  Let's just say Eduardo is very skilled.

• 57:43Conan O'Brien?

  It is so lovely to talk to you and you, you really are a remarkable individual. I wish we could all be more like you. And I really mean that.

• 57:54Speaker 02

  So you got my text?

• 57:55Conan O'Brien?

  I just read exactly what you wrote.

• 57:57Speaker 02

  Thank you very much.

• 57:58Conan O'Brien?

  I read exactly what you texted me.

• 58:00Speaker 02

  Thank you for putting that in there.

• 58:02Conan O'Brien?

  And you're a great lover? What the fuck is this?

• 58:06Conan O'Brien?

  You misspelled lover.

• 58:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, two Vs always.

• 58:10Conan O'Brien?

  I love, I've been, I checked out, this is a gardening show. I really like it. I especially love when you incorporate kids in it and you're talking to them.

• 58:17Speaker 02

  It's the easiest thing, isn't it?

• 58:19Conan O'Brien?

  I know, but you're so funny doing it.

• 58:20Speaker 02

  So fun to do.

• 58:21Conan O'Brien?

  And also you're in a series, The Audacity, which is getting raves. So congrats to you, that's on AMC. And you, I mean, anytime you're in town, you want to come by and-

• 58:33Speaker 02

  I'm here tomorrow.

• 58:34Conan O'Brien?

  -talk to us about anything. Tomorrow's not good for me.

• 58:36Speaker 02

  Okay, the next day.

• 58:37Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 58:38Speaker 02

  I'm here Saturday.

• 58:39Conan O'Brien?

  Starting in six years from now.

• 58:40Speaker 02

  Oh, okay.

• 58:41Conan O'Brien?

  Is what I meant.

• 58:41Speaker 02

  Did you end up going to Greece for your-

• 58:44Conan O'Brien?

  No, we haven't gone to Greece yet for the travel show, but I do want to go there.

• 58:47Speaker 02

  It's the best.

• 58:48Conan O'Brien?

  Would you go with me if I went?

• 58:49Speaker 02

  I would love-

• 58:50Conan O'Brien?

  I'd pay for half of it.

• 58:51Speaker 02

  Love to go. But I might take my gardening show there.

• 58:56Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 58:57Speaker 02

  Next time. But if you do go, please call me because that can point you in, like I have first cousins that are still there, so I can point, they can help you.

• 59:04Conan O'Brien?

  You should check out the Parthenon.

• 59:07Conan O'Brien?

  Thanks a lot.

• 59:08Speaker 02

  No, they were gonna take you to Hard Rock in Athens.

• 59:12Conan O'Brien?

  And I just-

• 59:13Speaker 02

  I hope there's not a Hard Rock Cafe in Athens.

• 59:15Conan O'Brien?

  You know there is.

• 59:16Speaker 02

  There better, I don't think, no, the Greeks-

• 59:17Conan O'Brien?

  There has to be.

• 59:18Speaker 02

  The Greeks are not, they're not, they're not capitalists that way.

• 59:21Conan O'Brien?

  Good.

• 59:21Speaker 02

  They're not.

• 59:22Conan O'Brien?

  Good.

• 59:22Speaker 02

  They actually, during the European Union, they got really, real, they got really hurt.

• 59:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 59:28Speaker 02

  Yeah. By Northern Europe.

• 59:30Conan O'Brien?

  I've never been to Greece in my life and I would love to go there.

• 59:32Speaker 02

  It's the best, they know how to live, they know how to live.

• 59:35Conan O'Brien?

  And so do you.

• 59:35Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 59:36Conan O'Brien?

  And so do you. Zach Galifianakis, thank you for being here. I treasure you, I really do. Those aren't cheap, could you put it back?

• 59:44Speaker 02

  No, I'll put, there's a-

• 59:45Conan O'Brien?

  So he just grabbed one of our-

• 59:46Speaker 02

  By the way, I was asking the-

• 59:47Conan O'Brien?

  Kleenexes.

• 59:48Speaker 02

  There's a comment box here, right?

• 59:51Conan O'Brien?

  We took it down just for you. Okay, well. We'll put it back the minute you're gone. I'll take it to Twitter.

• 1:00:04Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 1:00:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 1:00:07Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 1:00:21Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 1:00:21Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 1:00:30Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 1:00:34Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 1:00:54Speaker 01

  Hello!

• 1:00:54Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 1:01:29Conan O'Brien?

  Owning a car or home comes with responsibilities. Sure, it's fun, but sometimes it makes you wonder why you ever longed for adulthood in the first place. I do that all the time. I'm like, oh, these bills, these bills. What am I gonna do?

• 1:01:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:41Conan O'Brien?

  You know, when you own a house, you gotta fix it yourself. Sona, you see this to be true, right?

• 1:01:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, your garage door breaks and you're like, well, I have to fix it.

• 1:01:49Conan O'Brien?

  Probably at first you said, hey, I'll get the super to fix it. It's your house, dude.

• 1:01:52Speaker 01

  It's mine, dude!

• 1:01:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance to save you money. In fact, they work overtime to tailor your insurance policy around what you actually need. The only thing they can't do is get that Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty jingle out of your head.

• 1:02:05Speaker 01

  Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.

• 1:02:07Conan O'Brien?

  It's in my head all the time.

• 1:02:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, me too.

• 1:02:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Start your quote at libertymutual.com.

• 1:02:15Conan O'Brien?

  So, what are some of the things in life that really get you down?

• 1:02:17Speaker 01

  Uh, driving?

• 1:02:19Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:19Speaker 01

  That's the first thing that popped in my head.

• 1:02:21Conan O'Brien?

  No, but I've seen you drive, and it's true. I'm always picking mailboxes out of your grill.

• 1:02:27Conan O'Brien?

  You're a creative driver. Uh, look, let's face it. Just living on Earth can be a lot, right?

• 1:02:32Speaker 01

  It can.

• 1:02:33Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, oy vey, it's a lot.

• 1:02:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:35Conan O'Brien?

  There's gravity, there's mosquitoes, there's this... You know that they say the sun is going to, at some point, go supernova and incinerate the Earth, probably in 5 billion years?

• 1:02:43Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:02:44Conan O'Brien?

  But watch your diet, we might be sticking around for that.

• 1:02:46Speaker 01

  Oh, man.

• 1:02:47Conan O'Brien?

  So, cosmically speaking, you've earned a break.

• 1:02:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:49Conan O'Brien?

  And you know where this is going? I think you do.

• 1:02:51Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:02:51Conan O'Brien?

  Pluto TV.

• 1:02:52Speaker 01

  Oh, right, of course.

• 1:02:53Conan O'Brien?

  To escape all of these hassles in life, you gotta get Pluto TV. Turn off all your earthly problems and turn on the movies and shows you already love. You've seen them, but you wanna see them again. They're old friends.

• 1:03:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:04Conan O'Brien?

  Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Dirty Dancing, Alias, X-Files. Pluto TV is completely free.

• 1:03:10Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 1:03:11Conan O'Brien?

  These streamers, all these things cost so much money these days. And I won't mention that when I do an ad for them, but... No subscription, no fees, $0. And as any mathematician will tell you, 0 is one of the most profound numbers ever conceived. I was thinking about that this morning.

• 1:03:26Speaker 01

  Wow, that's profound.

• 1:03:27Conan O'Brien?

  I really wasn't. The best thing on TV are free. Escape to Pluto TV, stream now, pay never.

• 1:03:38Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, look, there's some bad blood out here. We have to take care of this.

• 1:03:41Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:03:42Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, I brought up, Sona, that, um, I do a lot of favors for you. I mean, I do a lot of favors for everybody, but, um, you, you get more than your share.

• 1:03:50Speaker 01

  Oh, my God!

• 1:03:52Conan O'Brien?

  Let's revisit, uh, this topic, okay?

• 1:03:55Speaker 01

  Ugh, okay.

• 1:03:56Conan O'Brien?

  Sona, you know I love you, I adore you, you're the best. But you're... You're just this bloodsucker.

• 1:04:02Speaker 01

  Oh, my God!

• 1:04:03Conan O'Brien?

  That's draining me dry.

• 1:04:04Speaker 01

  You are awful! You're awful! You're awful!

• 1:04:08Conan O'Brien?

  Are we getting content or not?

• 1:04:10Speaker 01

  We are, but you know what? Every clueless gamer, do you take that game home with you?

• 1:04:15Conan O'Brien?

  Oh. Uh, I would say no, actually. Maybe only like half the time. Yeah, eighty-five percent.

• 1:04:21Speaker 01

  Eighty-five percent of the time when you do a clueless gamer for a cool game, you get the game.

• 1:04:26Conan O'Brien?

  How's he a favor?

• 1:04:27Speaker 01

  Because you get some benefit out of it that's not direct. That's what I'm saying. We all get a lot of fun stuff from this job.

• 1:04:34Conan O'Brien?

  All I'm gonna say is, he does a lot of favors for you, but you do the greatest, but you, but you, but you, but you do the greatest favor for him. You make him cool.

• 1:04:42Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:04:43Conan O'Brien?

  That's the greatest favor you're doing for him.

• 1:04:45Speaker 01

  I don't know. Am I doing that?

• 1:04:47Conan O'Brien?

  You do. You do. Yeah. I think, no, people do get excited. You're a cool person. Um, and you, you know, me, yes. Uh, I guess I'm cool and then I pop a leave every now and then. Uh, I always drink a lot of water with it. You gotta make sure you flush out the system.

• 1:05:04Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 1:05:04Conan O'Brien?

  And that's a recommendation that's on the bottle, but, um...

• 1:05:08Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 1:05:09Conan O'Brien?

  No, but I mean, between my leave use and your coolness factor, I think we make a good duo.

• 1:05:14Speaker 01

  I don't think they're favors. I think you are paying me back.

• 1:05:19Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 1:05:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, for all the things I've done for you.

• 1:05:22Conan O'Brien?

  So that means I don't have to pay you financially?

• 1:05:24Speaker 01

  No, you should still do that. But I also, I don't know, for something.

• 1:05:28Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? I don't resent these favors for you. I like doing it. And I will say, look, I needed a segment, so I came out swinging.

• 1:05:35Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:05:35Conan O'Brien?

  And it worked because you got really mad. And also, is there some truth in it? Probably. Because in most of my bits, there's a little bit of truth.

• 1:05:43Speaker 01

  This is my nightmare.

• 1:05:44Conan O'Brien?

  And I do a lot of favors for people. You do.

• 1:05:47Speaker 03

  We have to do a favor for Sona today, for instance, at the end of this bit.

• 1:05:50Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, is that true?

• 1:05:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:51Conan O'Brien?

  What's happening today?

• 1:05:52Speaker 03

  Uh, we have to, I don't wanna rattle it out.

• 1:05:54Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, we get to.

• 1:05:54Speaker 03

  That's right. We get to do a favor for Sona today.

• 1:05:56Conan O'Brien?

  You know that I like doing things for the Armenian community. You know I like doing that.

• 1:06:00Speaker 01

  They're the ones, you took me to Armenia in 2015, and since then...

• 1:06:04Conan O'Brien?

  You know, that was the plan. The plan was to leave you there, and then I was like, "Shut the door, shut the door." And the pilot...

• 1:06:10Speaker 01

  The door.

• 1:06:10Conan O'Brien?

  Didn't shut the door fast enough, and you squirted into the plane, "Bloop", and you were like, "We're headed back." But the plan was to leave you there.

• 1:06:18Speaker 01

  Well, thank you for doing that, but you've shone a light on my beautiful homeland. And since then, you've been kind of an honorary Armenian. They're very excited.

• 1:06:27Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? I will say Armenian people are always very happy to see me.

• 1:06:31Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:06:31Conan O'Brien?

  And they say, "Barev," and I say, "Inch passek."

• 1:06:34Speaker 01

  Yay.

• 1:06:34Conan O'Brien?

  And then they say, "Lavem," and we have like a nice thing going.

• 1:06:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:37Conan O'Brien?

  So that's always nice.

• 1:06:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:39Conan O'Brien?

  I meet a lot of them in steam rooms. I don't know what that's all about. Several times I've been in a sauna or a steam room and the naked men in there have been Armenian and we have a nice chat about Armenia.

• 1:06:48Speaker 01

  Okay. Oh, that's nice.

• 1:06:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:49Speaker 01

  That's a nice... See, that's the thing. If you hadn't taken me to Armenia, I don't think you would have been getting as many asks. And I filter a lot. But there are some that I...

• 1:06:59Conan O'Brien?

  And we're doing one today, which is important.

• 1:07:00Speaker 01

  We're doing one today.

• 1:07:01Conan O'Brien?

  It's because it's for an important event. What is it?

• 1:07:04Speaker 01

  It's the Armenian Heritage Walk Gala in Philadelphia and I'm emceeing it and...

• 1:07:08Conan O'Brien?

  How do you emcee a gala? Oh, you're going to...

• 1:07:12Speaker 01

  I'm going to Philadelphia.

• 1:07:13Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I see. There's a benefit and you're gonna be up there saying, "All right, our next auction item," that kind of thing?

• 1:07:17Speaker 01

  No, no. It's gonna be like honoring people who helped them do it. It's this, it's this permanent installation by the Philadelphia Museum of Art.

• 1:07:24Conan O'Brien?

  Do you have jokes written?

• 1:07:25Speaker 01

  I'm not you. I don't, I don't...

• 1:07:27Conan O'Brien?

  Well, we know that, but I mean, what about...

• 1:07:29Speaker 01

  The bar is really low for me.

• 1:07:31Conan O'Brien?

  No, but you gotta have some material. You can't, you can't emcee a gala and not have material.

• 1:07:36Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 1:07:36Conan O'Brien?

  What kind of jokes do they like?

• 1:07:37Speaker 01

  I haven't, I haven't written anything yet.

• 1:07:40Conan O'Brien?

  When is it? Soon, right?

• 1:07:41Speaker 01

  It's like really soon.

• 1:07:42Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, you have to write material. Maybe I would help you, another favor, but let's...

• 1:07:47Speaker 01

  You can't offer to do something and then say you're doing me a favor.

• 1:07:50Conan O'Brien?

  I can say yes to things and then resent them because that is my true hobby. That you are good at. I say yes to stuff and then I resent it. Um, you know, we gotta think of some jokes, you know, about...

• 1:08:00Speaker 01

  I have some.

• 1:08:01Conan O'Brien?

  Like what? About pomegranates and what is it about?

• 1:08:04Speaker 01

  I don't want to tell you. I'm nervous.

• 1:08:05Conan O'Brien?

  Let's hear it.

• 1:08:06Speaker 01

  I think, well, um, one of the honorees... No, this is stupid. I can't do it.

• 1:08:11Conan O'Brien?

  Come on, yes. No, we know. We have to now. This is the judgment-free zone. We have to.

• 1:08:15Speaker 01

  So one of, one of the honorees is an Armenian man who's an astronaut. He's, and so I'm gonna say, you know, within the last six months, we've had one of the greatest moments in space when Katy Perry went up. For 10 minutes.

• 1:08:27Conan O'Brien?

  That's a good joke.

• 1:08:28Speaker 01

  It's a misdirect.

• 1:08:29Conan O'Brien?

  That's a good joke.

• 1:08:30Speaker 01

  It's a misdirect.

• 1:08:31Conan O'Brien?

  That's a good joke.

• 1:08:32Speaker 01

  Cause everyone's gonna think I'm talking about Artemis too.

• 1:08:34Conan O'Brien?

  Are you explaining to me how a misdirect works?

• 1:08:35Speaker 01

  Yes, this is what comedy is, Conan O'Brien.

• 1:08:38Conan O'Brien?

  No, but you know what? I think that's a funny joke.

• 1:08:40Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:08:40Conan O'Brien?

  You know what's another good joke? I A N is added to every Armenian name, right?

• 1:08:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:44Conan O'Brien?

  So you could say, uh, there's some other great, uh, celebrities who are Armenian. Um, Katy Perry-ian. You know, uh, Tom Cruise-ian. John Travolta-ian.

• 1:08:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:08:58Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, this is a good, uh, Sabrina Carpenter-ian.

• 1:09:04Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, you know, you could go into that whole thing.

• 1:09:06Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:09:07Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, and you could list a whole bunch of celebrities' real names before they shortened them. You know what I'm saying?

• 1:09:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay. I like that.

• 1:09:13Conan O'Brien?

  Conan O'Brien-ian. Not so good?

• 1:09:16Speaker 01

  It didn't roll off the tongue. And also, there's already a lot going on with your last name.

• 1:09:20Conan O'Brien?

  And you do jokes about some of the other, the true famous, like Dr. Kevorkian?

• 1:09:24Speaker 01

  Well, there's six on a race, so I'm coming up with bits for each one.

• 1:09:27Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, I'm gonna kill it at this Armenian gala even more than your previous, uh, host, Dr. Kevorkian.

• 1:09:35Speaker 01

  God.

• 1:09:36Conan O'Brien?

  Right?

• 1:09:37Speaker 01

  God.

• 1:09:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:39Speaker 01

  Conan.

• 1:09:39Conan O'Brien?

  That's a good joke. He killed people.

• 1:09:41Speaker 01

  I know. Okay, I know.

• 1:09:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, he's the pride of the Armenian people.

• 1:09:45Speaker 01

  Don't say that.

• 1:09:46Conan O'Brien?

  Did he drive around in a van and do it? I forget how he did it.

• 1:09:48Speaker 01

  You know what? Nowadays, euthanasia is not looked at as poorly as it was before. He was a pioneer.

• 1:09:56Conan O'Brien?

  Well, his name was Dr. Death, and he drove around in a van. But yeah, you're right.

• 1:09:59Speaker 01

  He was a pioneer.

• 1:10:00Conan O'Brien?

  No, ending people's lives is all cool now. Um.

• 1:10:02Speaker 01

  They wanted to end them. They were all, weren't they all terminally ill?

• 1:10:06Conan O'Brien?

  All right, you're taking us down a dark road.

• 1:10:07Speaker 01

  I'm a Kevorkian apologist.

• 1:10:09Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna kill it up here. I'm gonna be Armenian host who kills it the fastest since Dr. Kevorkian. That's funny. That's a good joke.

• 1:10:17Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 1:10:17Conan O'Brien?

  And then you say, by the way, other, uh, you know, famous, and then it's Dr. Perry. You know what I mean? You know? The singer Sia, Sia, Sian. There's a good one. I mean, we're coming up with good material right here. You're gonna kill it, this thing.

• 1:10:30Speaker 01

  I know.

• 1:10:31Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I could come out as a character.

• 1:10:33Speaker 01

  What?

• 1:10:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I could be a character. I could come out like as an old Armenian lady and then, you know, and I'd do a character.

• 1:10:39Speaker 01

  Ah, that won't be offensive at all.

• 1:10:41Conan O'Brien?

  No, it's not at all.

• 1:10:42Speaker 01

  Can I hear your old Armenian lady?

• 1:10:44Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, hello. It's nice to be here. I dried the apricots and flattened them and now we're eating them.

• 1:10:51Speaker 01

  I knew it was gonna be a dry fruit thing.

• 1:10:52Conan O'Brien?

  Whatever, it would kill.

• 1:10:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:10:54Conan O'Brien?

  And guess what? I'm gonna fly out, I'm gonna write this material, and I'm gonna do this on the gala, and then I'm really gonna resent you.

• 1:11:00Speaker 01

  I know you are.

• 1:11:01Conan O'Brien?

  Those who are given much are expected to give much.

• 1:11:04Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 1:11:06Conan O'Brien?

  And it's clear that I've been gifted with some divine powers. And so I must spend my time on this earth doing favors for Sonum of Sesian. I think that's the rule here. But, you know, I love you. You know, I care about you.

• 1:11:20Speaker 01

  Do you? Do you?

• 1:11:21Conan O'Brien?

  Is a bit I do.

• 1:11:22Speaker 01

  Oh, that's nice. Well, thank you. I love you too, as a bit.

• 1:11:26Conan O'Brien?

  Love yous a bit. Bye.

• 1:11:30Speaker 06

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonum of Sesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 1:11:50Speaker 06

  Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

• 1:12:38Speaker 07

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