A Divorce Lawyer on the Small Things That End Marriages | James Sexton

James Sexton is a divorce lawyer and the author of If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late: A Divorce Lawyer's Guide to Staying Together. He tells Lewis Howes that marriage is a technology with tradeoffs, and that it erodes through small unaddressed disconnections around sex and money. They discuss Hit Send Now emails, Go Without or Go Elsewhere, prenups, joint and individual accounts, infidelity, and Mating in Captivity.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Lewis Howes?

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• 2:10Lewis Howes?

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• 2:52Lewis Howes?

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• 2:58Lewis Howes?

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• 3:43Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness Podcast. We have Jim Sexton in the house. Good to see you, man.

• 3:48James Sexton?

  Good to see you, Louis.

• 3:48Lewis Howes?

  Excited about this. You've got a book called, If You're in My Office Is Already Too Late: A Divorce Lawyer's Guide to Staying Together. You've been doing divorce law work for two decades, right?

• 4:01James Sexton?

  Yeah, about that, a little less than that.

• 4:02Lewis Howes?

  Almost two decades, working with couples who have gone through every challenge under the sun, right? Who have been through it all, from sleeping with the nanny to financial issues, to what you said, carpooling. Who's doing what carpooling and what day is to little stuff to big stuff and everything in between. You've seen it. And you're not a trained therapist, but you've probably had years of work in your experience being a therapist for a lot of people, assuming, right?

• 4:33James Sexton?

  Yeah, you know, I see people at their worst. And I think I see them in a way that people still lie to their therapist, you know, but they don't necessarily lie to their divorce lawyer. Because there's a tremendous incentive not to lie to me. You know, lying to your doctor and lying to your lawyer are like the two people you shouldn't lie to. Our only job is to protect you. Our only job is to make sure that whether your goals are legitimate or illegitimate, our job's to protect you. So I think I get to see a very, very candid, I know more about their finances than their accountant. I know more about their personal life than their therapist. I know where all the skeletons are.

• 5:10Lewis Howes?

  Why do they tell more to you than their therapist?

• 5:13James Sexton?

  Because they have to. I mean, for me to protect them properly. I mean, the first time I meet them.

• 5:17Lewis Howes?

  Once the law is under their jurisdiction, they're like, okay, I have to tell you, I can lie a little bit, little small lies here and there.

• 5:24James Sexton?

  Yeah, I mean, I think other professionals, you just don't feel the automatic sense of you're here to protect me. I mean, I am there to protect them in the rawest, realist way. I really am like a shield to them, you know? And I say that's my job. I'm a shield and a weapon. And I'm a shield in the sense that my job is to protect my clients' interests. And I'm a weapon in the sense that I'm there to advocate what it is that they need me to fight for, what it is that they need me to advance. I represent people who've been cheated on, and I represent people who cheat. And I represent people who their spouse has a drug or alcohol problem, and I represent people who have drug and alcohol problems.

• 6:00James Sexton?

  So I've spent so much time with every variety of the person in a couple, that that's how the book happened. It really turned into, you know, look, I'm not a therapist, I'm not a philosopher who's just opining on what I think people do. I'm just telling you what people do. I'm just telling you what I see actually happened in actual marriages. This isn't theoretical marriages, this is actual marriages.

• 6:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, the real mess.

• 6:29James Sexton?

  Yeah, yeah, the real train wreck.

• 6:31Lewis Howes?

  Now, you've worked with over a thousand clients?

• 6:34James Sexton?

  Yeah, easily.

• 6:35Lewis Howes?

  And have there been any clients that you've worked with that were going to get a divorce and then they decided not to after working with you? And then they came back together for whatever reason? And if so, what was that reason?

• 6:46James Sexton?

  It happens pretty rarely. And that's why I actually called the book. If you're in my office, it's already too late.

• 6:52Lewis Howes?

  Maybe 1% of people?

• 6:53James Sexton?

  I would say even less. I would say even less. I would say in a 20-year career, it's happened maybe three times. Where someone, by the time they were in my office, it's so far along, and the wound has so festered that it's hard to turn it around. I mean, look, that's the truth. When you look at people, it's a whole lot easier to maintain your weight than to get real fat and try to lose it all, right? So it's the same thing with marriages. There's this, no single raindrop's responsible for the flood, you know? There's these little arguments, these little issues that people have, and they just build and build and build and build to the point where, once that dam breaks, by the time you're

• 7:35James Sexton?

  in my office, it's done. And it's rare that people can come back from that.

• 7:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. You were talking about before we started that marriage is a technology.

• 7:42James Sexton?

  Yeah.

• 7:43Lewis Howes?

  Now, what does that mean? What is the technology of marriage?

• 7:45James Sexton?

  I think anything that's designed to solve a problem is a technology, right? So I mean, this mug is a technology. And what is the problem to which this technology is a solution? Well, it's the problem of I can't hold hot tea in my hand. It's a problem of I don't want to use, and kudos to you for using non-disposable ones, that zero waste, you listen to. And the truth is, is that it's designed to solve a problem. So the next question is, who has that problem? Anyone who wants to drink a beverage has that problem. And the next question, and I think the most important question is, what problems does it unintentionally create? Okay? So every technology is a Faustian bargain in the sense that it solves a problem and it creates a problem.

• 8:28Lewis Howes?

  Now you gotta clean it, you gotta use water to wash it, you gotta store it.

• 8:32James Sexton?

  Find stylish ones. I mean, you went, you know, classic plain, but you gotta find ones with witty sayings on them. And it can break, and now my favorite mug was broken, and how am I gonna replace it? I mean, again, some of these problems are silly little problems in exchange for really great benefits. But most people never ask themselves the question, the technology of marriage, which is a man-made technology, a human-made technology, we got together and said, hey, let's create this legal contract.

• 8:58Lewis Howes?

  Governed by a state.

• 8:59James Sexton?

  Right, governed by the state. Let's come up with something that, let's turn a lover into a relative. You know, let's find a way to turn this into a legally binding contract. And people just go and sign up for this technology. And they spend more time thinking about what cake they should serve at the ceremony than thinking about, what did I just sign on for? And why did I sign on for it? And what are some problems it might create for me in exchange for the things that it solves for me? And by the way, will it even solve the problem that I'm trying to have it solve? And one of the things I talk about in the book is, you got married to solve the problem of being alone. You might be alone still in your marriage. Like, if you got married because you want to have sex, you want to have more sex, being

• 9:43James Sexton?

  married is no more a guarantee of getting sex than living near a restaurant is a guarantee of getting fed. You know, it doesn't mean just because you're in it, you're going to receive the benefit that you think you're going to receive of it. And how many couples, before they get married, really sit down and say, hey, we're going to sign up for this technology. What do you want to get from it? What should I be wanting to get from it? How will it change over the years? That just doesn't happen. So if that doesn't happen, how are we then surprised that it doesn't work 53% of the time?

• 10:14Lewis Howes?

  53% is now the statistic.

• 10:16James Sexton?

  Is the divorce rate.

• 10:17Lewis Howes?

  The divorce rate, then more probably still don't work, but they're in it.

• 10:20James Sexton?

  Exactly. That's the part, and it's funny that you go there, because that's where I go with it. So 53% is already terrifying, right? If I said to you, there's a 53% chance when you walk out of this room, you get hit in the head with a bowling ball.

• 10:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you're probably not gonna go out.

• 10:33James Sexton?

  Or you're gonna wear a helmet, at a minimum, right? At a minimum, you're gonna wear a helmet, but you probably wouldn't go out. Now, let's look at that number, though. 53% end in divorce.

• 10:40Lewis Howes?

  That's US or global?

• 10:42James Sexton?

  US.

• 10:42Lewis Howes?

  US.

• 10:43James Sexton?

  US only, okay? Now, think about, what percent stay together for the kids?

• 10:49Lewis Howes?

  That should get divorced but stay together.

• 10:50James Sexton?

  Can't stand each other.

• 10:52Lewis Howes?

  But they stay together.

• 10:52James Sexton?

  That they stay together because they don't want to upset the kids or they don't want to give away their stuff.

• 10:56Lewis Howes?

  I would say another 75% stay together even though they want to get divorced.

• 11:00James Sexton?

  Okay, so let's say 20, so another 25% of married people, let's say. I mean, so, so now we've got a technology with a failure rate over 75%.

• 11:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:10James Sexton?

  So now, what percentage stay together for religious reasons? Probably a declining percentage over the years, but let's say.

• 11:16Lewis Howes?

  More.

• 11:17James Sexton?

  You know, 5%.

• 11:18Lewis Howes?

  That might be the same as kids and, you know.

• 11:20James Sexton?

  Might be.

• 11:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 11:21James Sexton?

  So, if I say there's a technology with a failure rate of 80%. Toyota had a 0.0001% brake failure on one of their vehicles and they recalled all of the vehicles.

• 11:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 11:34James Sexton?

  So if I said to you 80, 80% of technology.

• 11:37Lewis Howes?

  And we still use it, yeah, yeah.

• 11:38James Sexton?

  Not only we use it, we celebrate its use.

• 11:41Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's part of our culture and we're shamed if we're not married almost.

• 11:44James Sexton?

  Absolutely. Well, because it's considered a sign that you're not mature and forward thinking.

• 11:50Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, and we're shamed we're divorced.

• 11:52James Sexton?

  Right.

• 11:53Lewis Howes?

  But now we're being celebrated to get out of marriages if it's not what we want or if we're not getting what we want.

• 11:57James Sexton?

  That's, that's a trend that's definitely starting to change. So, so I think.

• 12:01Lewis Howes?

  Leave him, divorce him or whatever, you know.

• 12:03James Sexton?

  Right. Well, I think as self-actualization, you know, became more of a thing. And, and, and after the 1970s, you know, people started thinking about like, you know, themselves and their happiness. It wasn't just about the unit anymore. It was about finding yourself. Then, yeah, it became more acceptable to be self-interested. I'm not going to say selfish because not all self-interested behavior is selfish. But it became more acceptable to say, I'm not happy. I married this person when I was 20.

• 12:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 12:31James Sexton?

  And now I'm 40 and shockingly, I'm not the same person at 40 that I was when I was 20. And now I'm a different person and it's no longer a good fit, you know? I mean, the analogy I tell people is if I said to you right now, you can have any car you want, what car would you have?

• 12:50Lewis Howes?

  Well, I just got a Tesla.

• 12:51James Sexton?

  I have a Tesla too.

• 12:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. I actually don't care about cars at all.

• 12:55James Sexton?

  I'm not a big car guy either.

• 12:56Lewis Howes?

  But I got one for tax reasons, actually.

• 12:58James Sexton?

  Cool.

• 12:58Lewis Howes?

  I had a 1991, I still have a 1991 Cadillac El Dorado.

• 13:02James Sexton?

  Okay.

• 13:03Lewis Howes?

  That had like 60,000 miles on it.

• 13:04James Sexton?

  Okay.

• 13:04Lewis Howes?

  I just, I Uber everywhere. I don't really use it.

• 13:07James Sexton?

  It's a great car, yeah. If you have any car you want, if you ask most people.

• 13:09Lewis Howes?

  But I like the Tesla. I like the Tesla.

• 13:10James Sexton?

  Okay.

• 13:10Lewis Howes?

  Because it's fuel efficient. It's, you know, I just wish I had a bigger battery.

• 13:13James Sexton?

  You're a pragmatic guy. You ask most people.

• 13:16Lewis Howes?

  It's nice too, though. It's clean.

• 13:16James Sexton?

  You ask most people that question.

• 13:18Lewis Howes?

  They're gonna go Ferrari, Lamborghini.

• 13:21James Sexton?

  I want a Maserati, okay. Now, if I then said to them, okay, you get one car though. Whatever car you pick, that's the car you're going to have for the rest of your life. Suddenly, a Lamborghini is a terrible idea because you can't put a car seat in it for a kid. And you can't, you know, when you're 80 years old, get into that car, right? So if you are only allowed to have one car, you got to find a car that not only makes sense when you're 20 and 30 and 40, but when you're 70.

• 13:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 13:47James Sexton?

  And when you have kids and when the kids have gone away. So again, like a minivan that might make sense when you got three kids. When the kids go off to college, that minivan no longer makes sense. Well, marriage is a technology where you're signing on with one person and saying for the rest of my life, I'm going to be with this person. And that's a very challenging thing. But here's the thing, I actually think people give more thought to the car they're buying than they do really to the technology of marriage and what about it specifically they like or don't like.

• 14:18Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. What training or information do you think, do you wish every couple would go through before signing up for the technology of marriage?

• 14:27James Sexton?

  That's a great question. I think, you know, if you buy a house, you get a lead paint disclosure, you get a HUD disclosure that talks about the loan. You get all kinds of disclosures, right? You sign a will, there's all these pages that explain to you in great detail, you know, what's happening when you sign that will. You get married, you don't even get a pamphlet. You don't even get like a one-page brochure that says, by the way, this is the most legally significant thing other than dying that you will ever do legally. And you don't get any information about what just happened. So the first thing I would say is I think everybody who's going to get married should have an hour consultation with a divorce lawyer. Absolutely.

• 15:06Lewis Howes?

  So they should go into your office before.

• 15:08James Sexton?

  Yes, but for a different reason.

• 15:10Lewis Howes?

  For a different reason.

• 15:10James Sexton?

  Prophetically, yes. They should come in proactively and learn about what's about to happen legally. What's about to happen to my rights? You know, what's about to change in terms of how I own property? The financial obligations I'll have to this person. I would also say one of the best things they could do is talk to someone candidly who's been married for an extended period of time. We're not encouraged to be honest about our relationships. We're not. I mean, one of the things you talk about mask of masculinity that I loved is about, particularly for men, but I think it's true for women too. We don't share candidly what's really going on in our lives. We're in a very curated society where you put up on social media

• 15:51James Sexton?

  the best picture and the best vacation photos and the best of everything we're doing. And we don't share with each other the challenges. We don't share with each other even, even really relevant information. Like when I meet a couple who's been together for 20 years. I mean, I love the story, oh, how did you meet? And you know, how many times a week do you have sex? Who initiates it? Do you ask the shit? Do you always do the same stuff? Because you've been together for 20 years and you know what each other like? Or like, do you try like, do you like calling audible every once in a while? I'll just do some wacky thing. Like, what is it really like? The day-to-day of your relationship? And so many people, I mean, you've been in relationships, I've been in relationships. So many people just don't talk honestly, even when I'm with my guy friends. You know, do we really talk honestly about the day-to-day of our relationships?

• 16:36James Sexton?

  The way we talk to the women in our lives? Like the nickname they have for us or the nickname we have for them? Again, it's private to some degree information. But if we could share that stuff a little more, we'd have a lot more accurate of a perception of where our relationship stands in the scheme of things and how we're doing. I really think there's this perception that people have of, you know, oh, we're only having sex this many times a week. And it's like, well, okay, is that a lot? Is that too little? Like you have nothing to compare it to.

• 17:05Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 17:06James Sexton?

  You know, so in marriage, there's no way to know if you're doing well at it.

• 17:10Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 17:10James Sexton?

  Because you can't say, well, you know, we have fights every now and then. Well, okay, people have fights every now and then. But if you have a fight every week, that might be a lot. But how would you know? What would you compare it to?

• 17:20Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 17:20James Sexton?

  So I would say one of the best things you could do to people who are considering getting married is put them in a room with people who've been good at that technology, who've managed to not only endure marriage, but endure it and still like it.

• 17:33Lewis Howes?

  Thrive.

• 17:33James Sexton?

  Right.

• 17:34Lewis Howes?

  Thrive.

• 17:34James Sexton?

  Right. And still say, you know what, I'd sign on for this again.

• 17:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 17:37James Sexton?

  Like in a room full of people, I'd still pick this person.

• 17:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's cool.

• 17:40James Sexton?

  You know, and, and how many of those opportunities do we really get? To talk to people that way about their relationship?

• 17:45Lewis Howes?

  Not many, yeah. And maybe also talk to someone who's been through divorce and ask them, what didn't work and why didn't it work? And what were the things to look out for?

• 17:53James Sexton?

  Exactly. See, one of the principles that inspired me to write the book was the idea that, you know, again, I hate using car metaphors because I'm not a car guy. But it's the best analogy I can think of in the sense that if when you bought a car, you did every bit of preventative maintenance that a mechanic told you to do.

• 18:11Lewis Howes?

  You changed the oil every two months or whatever.

• 18:13James Sexton?

  Yeah. My sister's a dentist, you know, and, and she always says to me, by the time your tooth hurts, you're screwed.

• 18:20Lewis Howes?

  Prevent it, yeah. Floss every day, not after.

• 18:22James Sexton?

  If you do all the stuff she tells you to do when you go see her, your teeth are going to do well. So it's for me, who knows more about how a car breaks down than a mechanic, right? So I know people are in my office and I get a very candid view of them and I get to talk to them. And I have been very blessed that people trust me with tremendously personal information. And so what I wanted to do with that information is just find a way to leverage that into some kind of wisdom that people could use and say, you know what, just don't do what they did. When we were talking about titles for the book was a hilarious escapade because one of the first ideas was, well, we'll call it everyone screwing everyone. Because it was about how people just abuse each other in the process of divorce

• 19:07James Sexton?

  and how they're really taking advantage of each other. And then we said, well, no, that's too pessimistic. And we said, well, you know, maybe we can, you know, just call it vows and talk about like the promises that people make. But it's not really the promises that are interesting. It's the way that people go in with good intentions with those promises and they just can't keep it together.

• 19:25Lewis Howes?

  Can't keep it, yeah.

• 19:26James Sexton?

  So I really think that for me, the best thing we can do with anybody is, is to, yeah, show them a model of success, right? And show them a model of failure. And look, you've said it a million times on this show that you learn just as much from your successes as your failures. You might learn more from your failures even to some degree. So we don't have those role models. We don't have relationship role models, you know? And, you know, one of the things, you talked about masculine masculinity when you're talking about Neil Strauss and his marriage and how he says, look, it was my stuff. It wasn't, like I said, oh, I don't like marriage because I don't like this about it. And I don't like that it would force me to do this and force me to do that. And really what it was is he just didn't want to look at his own stuff.

• 20:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 20:08James Sexton?

  And then he felt like to have a good marriage, he'd have to look at his own stuff, which is absolutely true, you know?

• 20:15Lewis Howes?

  And terrifying.

• 20:16James Sexton?

  And most of what my book is about is about, yeah, you got to look at your stuff. If you want to, if you want to be successful in this technology, you got to look at it, own it and share it with this person.

• 20:26Lewis Howes?

  And be aware and be honest with the person about who you are and what you, what you want, what you don't want.

• 20:35Lewis Howes?

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• 21:19Lewis Howes?

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• 21:25Lewis Howes?

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• 22:28Lewis Howes?

  Now, you were, you were married for how long?

• 22:31James Sexton?

  I was married for 12 years.

• 22:32Lewis Howes?

  12 years, got divorced.

• 22:34James Sexton?

  Yep, got divorced.

• 22:35Lewis Howes?

  While you were divorced.

• 22:37James Sexton?

  Yes, while I was a divorced attorney.

• 22:38Lewis Howes?

  So, you're hearing these stories every day.

• 22:40James Sexton?

  And going through it.

• 22:41Lewis Howes?

  Going through your marriage.

• 22:42James Sexton?

  But you know, my, yeah, I mean, my marriage, I think benefited from my experience as a divorced lawyer.

• 22:48Lewis Howes?

  You knew the cues of what not to do or what was gonna work.

• 22:51James Sexton?

  But it was hurt by the fact that I love what I do for a living and was so consumed with it that I worked constantly. My ex-wife, who is one of my dearest friends to this day, she's remarried to an amazing guy who's a great stepdad to my sons who are now older, they're both in college. But I'm very blessed. I mean, I've had an experience of divorce where I'm still close friends with her, I'm friends with her husband, I'm very lucky for that. Because I look at it like, there's a lot of people I love that I wouldn't want to be married to.

• 23:24Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 23:25James Sexton?

  And she's one of them. She's someone I love, she's someone I appreciate, who I think is just an amazing person. But we don't have the exact ingredients that you need to be successful in marriage.

• 23:36Lewis Howes?

  Long-term.

• 23:36James Sexton?

  Because we met when we were 17. And what we wanted when we were 17, 18, 19, 22, when we got married, 24, when we had kids, when we turned around and were in our 30s, we went, you know, we don't actually have that much in common. And so, either I'm gonna have to stop being who I actually am. Like, I love to travel, you don't love to travel. From silly things, you love shabby chic furniture and I like very zen aesthetics, you know, like, you love this kind of movie and I love this kind of movie. And you reach a point where you kind of go, well, do we white knuckle it now because we don't want to quit something that isn't working? Or do we say, you know what, let's call this, let's call this, and let's find someone

• 24:18James Sexton?

  who feeds us in the right way and see if, or just be alone for the right reasons. And I'm very blessed that the person who I was married to was mature enough to see it the same way and to have that painful, but really wonderful conversation that so few people can have. And that is to say, look, this thing was successful. We both are leaving this better people than we were when we came into it. And we're leaving it with two kids that are the exact chemistry of the two of us and they're made up of the two of us. But we're gonna kind of take our different paths now and let's still love each other. Let's still respect each other.

• 24:59Lewis Howes?

  Conscious uncoupling, let's call it, right?

• 25:01James Sexton?

  Absolutely. I mean, that's the term that's been handed to it. But you know, the truth is, is I think people have been doing it for years, you just don't hear about it. It's not that interesting. My divorce is the least interesting thing about me. It really is. Like, if I said to you, like, tell me 10 things about yourself, the fact I'm divorced wouldn't make a list because the fact that I tried to marry someone and stay with them forever and it didn't work out, isn't that interesting? It's not that unique. You know, what you hear about, the people who talk about their divorces incessantly are people who were wounded by them.

• 25:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 25:34James Sexton?

  And now, they've been victimized by their divorce. And so, it becomes a tremendous part of their identity.

• 25:39Lewis Howes?

  And they hold on to it for a while and they talk about it and here's what happened.

• 25:44James Sexton?

  They're the silent, you know, there's a huge number of people that had divorces like mine, where the marriage just ended, it ended in a friendly fashion, they continued to co-parent successfully together and they both lived their lives.

• 25:54Lewis Howes?

  There's not this pain and resentment for years and...

• 25:58James Sexton?

  No, and I have to tell you, as a divorced lawyer, as a practicing divorced lawyer, a huge, I would say more than 50% of the people that I represent, it's that kind of transaction. It really is, that it's just two people, that their time is done, and now we just have to figure out how to divide up the things they have and work out the schedules with the kids. That's the majority. Yeah, I would say at least 50%.

• 26:17Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 26:17James Sexton?

  But the thing is, the other 50%

• 26:20Lewis Howes?

  Are louder.

• 26:21James Sexton?

  Are so much more interesting. I mean, so much, it's like, because really, who wants to hear about, like, oh, I talked to my ex-wife yesterday and she's lovely, you know, she's, she's moving to Rochester soon, like, we're just, you know, that's her life.

• 26:33Lewis Howes?

  It's the drama and the train wreck.

• 26:34James Sexton?

  She threw a bat at me, she set my car on fire, like, it's way more interesting, you know?

• 26:40Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man. Do you feel like marriage, I hear this all the time, it's something that's not gonna be easy, right? There's gonna be challenges, there's gonna be fights or arguments, and there's gonna be some things that you're not gonna agree on. If you agree on everything, awesome, but it doesn't sound like, there's many marriages that are always perfect and always smooth. After 10, 20, 30 years, there's gonna be some conflict. So, does that mean, in your opinion, that we should just be like, you know what, let's just throw in the towel when it gets too challenging? Or, you know what, it's getting challenging, that's when we gotta dive in deeper and like, come together as a marriage, because we signed up for this?

• 27:16James Sexton?

  That's, it's a great question. I would say the following. I think one of the most common things people will say to you about marriage is, you know, marriage is hard, marriage is hard. I don't know that that's true. I think if you consider paying attention hard, then marriage is hard.

• 27:37Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 27:38James Sexton?

  If you don't consider paying attention hard, then I don't think marriage has to be hard. I think that it's, again, not to use the metaphor again, but losing weight is harder than maintaining your weight. And I really think, look, you're gonna have challenges. You're not necessarily gonna have fights, you're gonna have challenges. Life is gonna throw challenges in your way, illness, adversity, career issues, you know, day-to-day miscommunications with each other. If you're not paying attention, those things get huge. And then, the big, big things happen. So, people come in and they go, I'm getting divorced because he's sleeping with his secretary. You are.

• 28:22James Sexton?

  That's a great reason to get divorced and that's a legit thing. He's not, he's sleeping with his secretary because there's something wrong in the marriage.

• 28:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 28:28James Sexton?

  That, you know, and if you don't want to look at that, because you have some culpability in that, and it's easier to just go, oh, this harlot came and took him away, and it's a lot easier to say that. But the truth is, you know, you stopped paying attention, you know? And this is the question I find myself when I have a minute with a client who I've been some miles with. And we're sitting outside of the, you know, the courtroom, waiting for the case to be called, and I have enough of a rapport with them, and we've been enough of a distance together that I feel like I can be candid with them. I'll say to them, was there a moment where you realized your marriage was over? What was that moment? And you would be amazed at the insight if people think about that question that they give to you.

• 29:11James Sexton?

  I had a woman who said to me, and it was, to me, a very powerful example, I discussed a little bit in the book. She said, um, there was a kind of granola that she liked, and you could only get it at like, a certain store, like a Whole Foods or something like that. And, um, her husband used to always buy it, he used to always buy, whenever she was running low, she would just open the cabinet and there'd be another bag of it there. And she loved that. Because he didn't say like, oh, and look, honey, I bought your granola, like, I get credit for that, you know, like, he just would do it. He just saw that this was something that, he was paying attention. He just saw that there was this little thing, and it was this little kindness that he showed her, that let her know she was important to him. He was still kind of trying to woo her without being obvious about it, and he was still paying attention. And she said then one day...

• 29:57James Sexton?

  She just ran out of the granola and it wasn't there. So she thought, oh, well, maybe he's like busy and he just didn't notice. So she kind of left the bag out. And sure enough, he still didn't replace the granola. And she said she had a tangible memory. It was about a year before the actual divorce. But she said she had a tangible memory. She thought, okay, this is over. You know, this thing is over now. And I think that that's the thing. That's kind of, if you boiled my book down, one of the things I say to people is, there's this thing in every relationship, some little thing that you had to, that you did for your partner, or some little thing that you just had to tell them, that at some point, you just stop telling them.

• 30:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 30:36James Sexton?

  You know, I don't know if it's just in the morning saying like, God, you're so pretty. When she walks by, or if it's her saying to you like, you know, I love your strong arms, or whatever it might be. Like, there's just those little things. Like, we just want someone cheering for us. We just want, why do we, why do we get together? We want connection. We just want connection. Like, there's no other reason to get married, other than wanting connection. So those little disconnections, that's the ad, you know? And that's, it's death by a thousand paper cuts, you know? That's the challenge for me, is that's what people need to sort of find their way to connect to.

• 31:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah. What do you think are the most important things to find out about your spouse before getting married?

• 31:15James Sexton?

  See, I'm super pragmatic about that. I think you're gonna be living with somebody. So I think you should, you should know some bare bones things. Like, I wanna know, can you go to bed with a dish in the sink still? Or are you somebody that like, needs to have the dishes cleaned? What time do you go to bed? What time do you like to wake up in the morning? Are you a loud morning person or a quiet morning person? Do you, you know, how do you feel like, what, how do you feel about credit card debt? How do you feel about, very pragmatic question. How many times a week do you think you should have sex when you're married? For you to be satisfied, you know? These are the kinds of questions. Like, if I'm signing up to live with another human being, to share my finances with them, and to only have sex with them for the rest of my life. These are important questions.

• 31:59James Sexton?

  For real, like, why, would you buy a car and, oh, I don't know how many miles it is, or I don't know how many doors it has? Like, these are basic questions.

• 32:06Lewis Howes?

  Or if it's gonna turn on when I turn it, trying to turn it on.

• 32:08James Sexton?

  Right, like, just ask some fundamental, honest questions. And look, there's nothing wrong with asking those questions. There's nothing, but we've convinced people that this idea of like a soulmate, that you should just meet someone, instant chemistry, and if you don't have instant chemistry and perfection, you're doing it wrong. And so you're discouraged from asking pragmatic, practical questions like, listen, how many times a week do you think you should have sex? Or how many times a week? Because if you had those conversations, not only are you gonna go into the relationship with your eyes open, but it's gonna allow you to actually serve the needs of your spouse a little bit better. Like, if I know what you want.

• 32:47Lewis Howes?

  See what she wants, or he wants.

• 32:47James Sexton?

  Right, like, now I know, you know, it's as advertised. You know, this is what you said you wanted, and I know, am I meeting that standard? Or am I not meeting that standard? And if I'm not, we can have a conversation about, hey, listen, just so you know, this is why I'm not that way anymore. Because very often, if you talk to women about, you know, why did they stop sleeping with their husband? Or husbands, like, why did you stop being interested in your wife? They'll tell you the reason. You know, they'll say like, oh, yeah, he just, well, he stops being complimentary to me. And now he just wants, like, he only hugs me when he wants to have sex. Like, if he hugged me more often, I would probably feel more romantic towards him. If you'd had that conversation, you wouldn't get to this war that no one wins. Well, you're not hugging me anymore, so now I'm not gonna sleep with you. Well, now I don't feel affectionate towards you, because you're not sleeping with me.

• 33:28Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 33:28James Sexton?

  Oh, well, now I feel even more upset with you, because you're not sleeping with me. Well, now I'm gonna start sleeping with somebody else. And now we're just off to the races. And meanwhile, we had two people that signed on for the same task, that now have completely lost the plot. And one of the things I love about divorce law is in this culture, where we're so full of it, you know, we're so, we don't wanna admit when we screwed up. We don't wanna admit when we're lost. We're terrified to admit when we're lost. To have, no one meant to get divorced. You can't pretend. You're in this beautifully raw situation. Anyone who is in my office, they did not mean to be there. And there's something to me really beautiful about that.

• 34:11James Sexton?

  Because it's this opportunity to just say, you know what? Like, yeah, we tried to do this thing, and it fell apart. And so to me, that's, that can be beautiful. That's an opportunity for growth. You know, the barn's burned down, now I can see the moon. I really feel like that's the thing, that if people could have that level of honesty and candor and realness in marriage, they wouldn't end up in marriage.

• 34:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. When a couple is starting to lose connection, what do you think they can do to get reconnected?

• 34:40James Sexton?

  I think the, I mean, the core is communication. Just start talking. Just start, I talk about ways to have that conversation, very pragmatic, practical. Like, I didn't wanna write a book that was filled with conclusions of lofty, so you need to reconnect with your partner. What the hell does that mean? You know, like, when your partner says, I wanna feel more fulfilled. What does that mean? Do you mean you wanna have a date night once a week? Or do you mean you wanna surf more often? Because I don't know if I should take you out to dinner or drive you to the beach. Like, what, what does that mean?

• 35:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:09James Sexton?

  Specifically. And so I think people need to know how to talk to each other. And in fact, why not have a conversation about how you have conversations? Like, why not talk about, listen, when there's a problem in the marriage, how are we gonna talk to each other about it? And one of the things, there's a chapter in there called Hit Send Now. And it's about just this very simple idea. And that is, send an email to your partner. The reason I call it Hit Send Now is that, I always thought it's kind of funny, when you hit send on an email, you can't hit like, Unsent. Like, it's just, you hit it, and you're like, oh, wow, okay, it's out there now, you know? And I've had emails where I'm like, you know, I write my email, and I'm like, whew, okay, there it is. Like, I can't take it back now, you know? And it's kind of exciting, but it's also kind of terrifying.

• 35:52James Sexton?

  And I think the idea of Hit Send Now is to, is to say like, listen, when some little thing's going on in the marriage, you know that this could be an issue someday, but you don't wanna, you know, write an email. Write an email to the person and say like, hey, listen, when we were sitting around last night, and we were having dinner, and you kind of made that little comment about my sister. Like, I don't know if you meant it or not, but like, it kind of hurt, you know? It made me feel really weird, because I always thought you liked my sister. And so, I don't know, I just wanted to let you know, you know? And see, unlike a conversation, if we have that in a conversation, you immediately are gonna be defensive. Well, wait a minute, no, no, I bet. And by the way, you may not be ready to have that conversation. You might have other things going on in your brain. So an email's great, because it gives a person a chance to digest it. It gives them a chance to sort of think it through, not be immediately.

• 36:36Lewis Howes?

  Read through it, yeah.

• 36:37James Sexton?

  Right, not be immediately defensive. And what I even say to people is, make the subject heading Hit Send Now. Because that way, the person goes, oh, it's gonna be one of these emails. Okay, like, brace myself for it. Like, be ready that this is what this is. And you can time when you send it. Send it when you know you're not gonna see them. You're gonna be out of the blast radius. And you're gonna give them a chance to digest it. Send it to them in the morning, when you know they're sharp. Or at night, when you know they're calm, whatever. You know, hopefully, you know your partner well enough to know, like, what's the time to talk to them? Before they go to the gym, or after they get back from the gym? You know, if you wanna ask me something, ask after I get back from Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class. Because I'm like, calm as a Hindu cow.

• 37:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 37:11James Sexton?

  You know, but if you see me on a Friday morning, when I've got court, like, this is not the time to talk to me about relationship issues. So I would say, the best thing people can do is communicate in a very clear way with each other. That's gonna be, that's gonna solve 90% of the problems that you have. And most of this book is just about ways to communicate with each other, and ways to, to, you know, own your stuff, and help your partner own their stuff. Because I still believe that relationships, maybe not marriage, but marriage at its best, is about having someone who sees your blind spots.

• 37:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 37:49James Sexton?

  You know, we're better together as human beings. We're better in connection. We're better when we have the benefit of each other's perspective. And when we help each other see the things that we just can't see about ourselves.

• 38:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's true. What would you say are the top three reasons people get divorced? Is it infidelity? Or is it financial? Is it something else?

• 38:08James Sexton?

  Yeah, I mean, the top three big reasons. Again, you know, with the idea that the little things add up and cause these things. But yeah, absolutely, infidelity would be number one. Finances would be number two. And number three would be, I would just call it attrition. It would just be, you know, that relationships just, they just burn up. Like, people just don't care anymore. You know, the opposite of love is in hate.

• 38:31Lewis Howes?

  It's contempt, right?

• 38:32James Sexton?

  It's indifference.

• 38:33Lewis Howes?

  Indifference.

• 38:34James Sexton?

  I mean, hate is a passionate emotion. Like, if you hate me, you feel strongly about it.

• 38:38Lewis Howes?

  If you just don't care anymore.

• 38:39James Sexton?

  Right, like, you know, there's a line in Casablanca, the movie, where, you know, the, one of the characters says to Humphrey Bogart's character, he says, boy, you really hate me. And he says to him, you know, I suppose if I gave you any thought, I probably would. And I found, in my, when I saw that film, I thought, oh, that's the most cutting insult. Because when you really just don't care, like, that's the opposite of love. Because love is about, I'm paying attention. I wanna please you. Your pleasure gives me pleasure. Your joy gives me joy. Your sadness becomes my burden, you know? And it becomes something I wanna alleviate. So indifference, that sense of, I don't care what you're doing. I don't care if you're happy. I don't care if you're sad. I don't care. That's the thing. And that's where people land sometimes.

• 39:22James Sexton?

  Where they just land in that place, where they used to care, and then in this escalating war of, well, I shouldn't have to do that. Well, I shouldn't have to do this. Well, I shouldn't have to do that. Well, then I shouldn't have to do that. And now you got two people that are just, great, you guys won. Good job. Neither of you has to do anything for each other anymore. Great job. Great job. You're living with a person who owes you nothing, and you owe them nothing, except what the state tells you that you owe each other.

• 39:46Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 39:46James Sexton?

  And you're never meant to be there. You're never meant to be there.

• 39:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, wow. What's the best way to handle financial stress, in your opinion?

• 39:54James Sexton?

  Financial stress?

• 39:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 39:55James Sexton?

  Don't get into it.

• 39:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 39:57James Sexton?

  No, the best way to handle financial stress, again, I think candor. You know, just candor, honesty.

• 40:01Lewis Howes?

  Probably communicating before you get married about these things, so you don't get into it.

• 40:05James Sexton?

  Absolutely. Again, what's the best way to lose weight? Don't get fat.

• 40:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 40:08James Sexton?

  You know, I mean, the truth is, is try to find a way to prevent getting in that place. But look, once you've got financial stress, so, there are financial stresses you can't prevent. You know, you lose your job. Your company lays off 500 people, and you're one of them.

• 40:20Lewis Howes?

  If you got a medical challenge, it happens, yeah, sometimes.

• 40:22James Sexton?

  Okay, so how do you deal with it? Well, you, with candor, with courage, you know, with honesty, with fearlessness, you know, with bluntness. I mean, one of the things, like I said, I love about your book, and that's why I said I think the two books together would actually be a great combination. If you know a guy who's getting married, you buy him your book and buy him my book. And I think you just drop the statistics down on these guys. Because the truth is, is knowing your stuff, and being fearless enough to say, this is what it is, that's where the magic is.

• 40:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. My friend, I hope you're enjoying this episode. And the School of Greatness drops new conversations every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, around money, mindset, healing, manifestation, and relationships. And if you're not yet following the show, then you're missing all of them. Please tap the follow button right now, and you'll get notified the moment every new episode drops, because the next one might be exactly what you need. Now, let's get back to the conversation. This podcast is sponsored by Lutron. We're taking a quick break to remind you to discover the Lutron difference. Lutron's premium lighting, shades and controls empower designers with limitless possibilities.

• 41:34Lewis Howes?

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• 42:24Lewis Howes?

  I saw one of the chapters says yours, mine and ours, the financial system that works best. Yeah. So I think a lot of people have their own way of how they want to run their money.

• 42:33James Sexton?

  Right.

• 42:34Lewis Howes?

  Right? They like managing it their way, spending it on things they want to spend it on. Some like getting in debt, others don't like getting in debt. So how do you find our way?

• 42:42James Sexton?

  Well, I mean, you got to keep in mind, marriage was created as a technology.

• 42:46Lewis Howes?

  When was it?

• 42:46James Sexton?

  When women were property, essentially. I mean, it was created medieval context. I mean, it was created essentially to preserve wealth. It was created to preserve lands, right? Royal families would marry each other and rich families would marry each other to preserve land and to bring clans together. You know, the Game of Thrones mentality of, all right, I'm marrying this person, not because I love them, but because this makes sense. This family makes sense. This, this union of the clans.

• 43:11Lewis Howes?

  It's our vision.

• 43:12James Sexton?

  Right? Okay. So that's the origin of marriage. Now, at some point, 1920s, 1930s, it started turning into some romantic notion, right? Some notion of, well, I should have some.

• 43:24Lewis Howes?

  The movies, the movies brought that in.

• 43:25James Sexton?

  Yeah. You know, it's entirely possible. I mean, entertainment media is very much how people perceive. Advertising is the dream life of a culture. We started to convince people that, you know, marriage should be more about love. It should be more about romance. And then people became consumed by that model. Why? It's a compelling model. It's a wonderful model. I mean, there's nothing more exciting than the initial days of a relationship. Somebody once said that there's nothing more exciting than getting married and nothing harder than being married. And so getting married, super fun, courtship, those early days of a relationship, they're fantastic. They're fantastic. There's so many people you could have a really wonderful early relationship with.

• 44:04Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 44:04James Sexton?

  But how many people could you have 10, 20, 30, 40 years with? So, you know, when you think about the fact that marriage was put together when women couldn't own property, when women were essentially sold. I mean, you'd buy, you'd, you'd trade a cow for the guy's daughter. I mean, that was what it was. There's, there's still cultures where trade five livestock for my daughter. And that's the trade, you know? So now we're in a society where we've kept the same technology that was rooted in that. But we're in a place where men and women are both in the workforce. Men and women both have obviously independent autonomous value and they're, and they're equals, at least in a theoretical sense, right? Even though there's still some inequality and patriarchy and things people have to figure out and deal with. The truth is, is that men and women have equality of opportunity ideally.

• 44:49James Sexton?

  So now, well, what makes sense? You're no longer bringing together this overreaching man who's in charge and goes to work and this woman who's going to stay home and tend to the hearth, you know, and the children. We have two intelligent autonomous man and woman, and I didn't get into it in the book, but men and men and women and women. I mean, we have marriage equality now. We fought really hard for it so that, you know, gay couples and lesbian couples could have the privilege of this failing technology.

• 45:14Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 45:15James Sexton?

  You know? And so we said, why should, why should we have all the misery? Everybody sign up. And I've secretly believed that there were probably gay and lesbian individuals who'd been with their partners for long periods of time and secretly voted against marriage equality so they wouldn't have to have the conversation. You know, because if you think about it, when they were, when they weren't able to, they could be like, oh, I'd love to marry you, but oh, the government won't let me. I wish, oh. And then all of a sudden it's like, great, the government's letting us. Like, oh, okay. Well, I guess we have to have that conversation now. So I really do think that from a financial place, yours, mine and ours, the basic idea of it is just to say, look, have some joint finances, have some sense of, we'll have this

• 45:57James Sexton?

  account that joint money goes into, we'll pay for joint expenses from it. But then have some autonomy, have your own individual accounts, have, have something that you can use to, when you want to buy the other person a birthday present. I mean, if you have a joint account and I buy you a birthday present from that account, I bought myself a birthday present. So, you know, let a person have a little autonomy financially, but, but have a joint account so there's still some sense of shared purpose financially.

• 46:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. I like that. What do you think is the real reason people cheat on each other? Is it these little things that have added up over time that people aren't paying attention to?

• 46:31James Sexton?

  I mean, I think at its core, it's the human need for connection. I mean, I think Esther Perel and, you know, there's a lot of people, she's incredible, incredible. I, I, I love her work and I love the way she thinks about things. I don't, and I, I've secretly said to everyone, to do a panel with her would be the coolest thing in the world, the future of marriage. You know, we really, because she has such incredible perspective and she comes at it from this mental health perspective and she comes at it from a really, like a hacker mentality. I don't think she realizes it, but she is like, she wants to Uber marriage. Like she's thinking about like, well, why don't we do it different? Like what, instead of, you know, she's got that Silicon Valley approach, which is, don't look at how we did it, look at it and go, well, wait, what if we just ripped the technology apart and started from nothing? What could we do with it? You know? And, and I love that about her.

• 47:15James Sexton?

  And I love Mating Captivity, I think was like, it was just a genius piece of work.

• 47:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 47:19James Sexton?

  And again, I think if people understood those concepts before they got married or even thought about them, you'd already be a step ahead of the game because identifying the problem is a huge piece of, of the problem is that people never identify it.

• 47:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 47:32James Sexton?

  But I would say that, that, you know, I think cheating is a function of losing that connection.

• 47:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 47:41James Sexton?

  And I also think it's about a human need for physical intimacy, physical attention, physical attraction. I think John Gray, for example, did great work, is super intelligent with his ideas of, you know, men are from Mars, women are from Venus and that, you know, men are like a microwave and women are like a slow cooker, you know, and that it takes this different sexually times to heat up and stuff. I think some of that was tied to some sexual mores. Yeah, there's some biochemistry there, but I think the truth is, is that women are now really becoming permitted to own their sexuality. We've become a more sex positive culture. A lot of that misogyny that, that was motivating women to not be sexual beings started to fall apart. I don't know if it was Kim Cattrall and Sex in the City and Samantha.

• 48:20Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 48:21James Sexton?

  It was, it was just this long-term thing, but I think men and women are very sexual. I see men who cheat, I see women who cheat. I see men who've been cheated on, I see women who've been cheated on, and I can tell you men don't cheat more than women, women don't cheat more than men.

• 48:33Lewis Howes?

  Stairs up there too. I mean, women cheat just as much.

• 48:35James Sexton?

  Women cheat just as much. They, they, in my experience, do it more intelligently usually than men. But yeah, they, they're not as impulsive or impetuous about it. Infidelity happens because people have a need, a sexual need, you know? And they have a need and sex is, they attribute it to Oscar Wilde, but I don't think it's a fair, I don't think it actually came from him. I don't think they know who said it, but they said that everything in life is about sex, except for sex, which is about power. And I think the truth of sex is that sex is a way we share our affection for each other. It's a way that we share our attraction to another person. And when that starts to fall away in a relationship, then people cheat. The question is, is how do you maintain that connection? Cause that's why people cheat.

• 49:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 49:17James Sexton?

  People, people who have happy, functional, active sex lives with their partner and they're really truly fulfilled by it and they maintain intimacy. You know, intimacy is defined as the ability to be yourself with another person. So it's not about sex. Sex is ideally tied to intimacy, but you can have great intimacies and not have a sexual relationship with someone. You and I as friends can have tremendous intimacy. I can be myself with you, you can be yourself with me. But sex is a tremendous way for people to build intimacy and sustain intimacy. You know, there are people say, you know, sex is the glue. You know, it's the glue that holds it together. Cause what is it? It's the thing that separates a lover from a roommate.

• 49:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:58James Sexton?

  It prevents it from just being, because if you just want to have a roommate, have a roommate. You know, it's the sex that's the pillar of marriage, you know? And so how do we maintain sexual connection with someone? Satisfying sexual connection? Again, it's not about, how do I stay married? Easy, don't get divorced.

• 50:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 50:13James Sexton?

  You know, how do I stay happily married? That's a much harder question. How do I keep having sex with the same person? Not a hard question to answer, just keep having sex with them. How do I have satisfying sex with that person that's going to fill my needs and is going to prevent me from wanting to go have sex with other people? That's a more interesting question.

• 50:32Lewis Howes?

  Well, how do you do that? After ten?

• 50:34James Sexton?

  I can tell you how you don't do it. How you don't do it is by not sharing with the person what you really want. There's a chapter in the book called "Go Without or Go Elsewhere", where I basically say that if you don't share every sexual desire you have with the one person you're allowed to have sex with, you're an idiot. Because you're either gonna go without it then, or you're gonna go elsewhere to get it.

• 50:58Lewis Howes?

  And resent it.

• 50:58James Sexton?

  Yeah, yeah, and resent it. Or you're gonna have to go elsewhere. And then potentially ruin the relationship. You know, I talk about a client I had who was into feet, you know, in a sexual way. And again, it's not my thing. I'm not a foot guy. I mean, like, to me, feet and sex, it's like, I use my feet to get to bed to have sex. Other than that, the feet don't get into it. But this was this guy's thing. He loved feet. And in a really, like, intense way. Like, this was sexually, it was a fetish for him. And, you know, you and I laugh at it, but the truth is, it's actually a pretty generic thing, apparently. Like, Google it, it's a pretty generic thing.

• 51:30Lewis Howes?

  People like it, yeah.

• 51:30James Sexton?

  People like it. And you know what? Attraction is so hard to understand. Desire is so hard to understand. Why do any of us like what we like? It's the reason why I've just never been homophobic. Because until I can articulate to you why I like what I like, how could I possibly judge you for the things that you like? You know, so the truth is that, you know, sexual desire is so complex and so hard to understand, you know, that we don't realize that there's a tremendous value in just identifying what you want and sharing it with your partner. And I say in the book, don't, just in the middle of sex, like, if you, you know, if you want your partner to talk dirty, you know, that's a very common thing. It's people like to talk dirty or to have someone talk dirty to them, alright?

• 52:15James Sexton?

  Maybe we watch too much porn and that's why we feel that way. Or maybe in the romantic films that people, you know, speak sexually to each other and that's why. Whatever, maybe there's just something in us that likes the sound of our partner's voice. But we're like afraid to say something. You know, we're afraid to...

• 52:27Lewis Howes?

  Embarrassed or whatever, yeah.

• 52:27James Sexton?

  Right, you're embarrassed. You don't want the person to be like, "Wait, what? What the hell's wrong with you?" You know, you don't want that to happen. So you hold it in. You don't say anything about it. Who are you serving there?

• 52:36Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 52:36James Sexton?

  Maybe this is their fantasy too. You know, you have to be, again, what I say in the book is that people have great intentions and cause tremendous problems in their sexual relationships. So the following example is the best one I can think of. So you're with this sexual partner for, you know, initially, and initially you're having tons of sex and it's great sex. It's all new and it's exciting. And what starts to happen? You start to learn what the other one likes, right? You start to figure out, okay, she likes this and he likes this. And I do this first and then that warms up for this and this is great. And that's part of the fun of early days, is figuring out, you know, what the other person likes. Well, then what starts to happen? Then you go, "Hey, listen, let's play the greatest hits, right? I know that this they love and this they kinda could care less, so I'm just gonna do the greatest hits. I'm just gonna..."

• 53:21James Sexton?

  And you have good intentions. I mean, you're really, you're trying to do the right thing. You're, they're gonna do your greatest hits, you're gonna do their greatest hits, and everybody's gonna be so excited in a much shorter period of time and we'll be done before John Oliver comes on. You know, whatever it is, you know? So then what happens? Six months, a year, two years of just doing the greatest hits.

• 53:40Lewis Howes?

  They get boring.

• 53:41James Sexton?

  Starts getting, right? I mean, I get an album I like and I love this song, I love that song.

• 53:44Lewis Howes?

  I play it so much.

• 53:45James Sexton?

  Play it a hundred times. I mean, when, you know, Zero to a Hundred by Drake came out, I probably listened to it a thousand times, right? Okay, so many times that then when I played it again, I'm like, "Oh, my God, I can't hear the song again." So the truth is, people with really good intentions create a sex life that creates discontent in their sex life. So then what happens, though? That's the key moment. What do you do? Well, if you're smart, you say, "Hey, you know what? Like, we're kinda always doing the same things. Let's, let's change it up. Let's do something different." You hit send now. You send that email. You say, "Hey, you know, maybe I'd like to..." Again, don't just call an audible in the middle of sex because the person's gonna start to go like, "Well, where did that come from? Like, we've been doing the greatest hits and all of a sudden you did this random thing, you know?"

• 54:24Lewis Howes?

  Let them think about it, let them, yeah, yeah.

• 54:25James Sexton?

  Well, I mean, the example of talking dirty, which I think is a pretty ubiquitous, simple kind of an example. Don't just start like straight up porn dialogue in your partner's ear if you've been silent all these years.

• 54:35Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 54:36James Sexton?

  Maybe say one or two little things and see what the reaction is. Gauge the reaction. You know, touch them in some body part you haven't before. See what the reaction is. And then have a conversation after about, "Oh, did you like that when we did that? Or, oh, did you, you know, I kinda threw that in there? What'd you think of that?", you know? That's the kind of communication that I think prevents people from losing the plot, being stagnant, even with good intentions, and losing their sexual desire and attraction to the person that they're with.

• 55:03Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 55:03James Sexton?

  Because that is at the core, I have to tell you, of so many people who come in my office. They talk about, "We stopped sleeping together six months. We stopped sleeping together three years ago. We haven't had sex in five years."

• 55:11Lewis Howes?

  No way, five years?

• 55:13James Sexton?

  I had somebody come into my office, no joke, last month, said they hadn't had sex with their partner in eight years.

• 55:18Lewis Howes?

  What?

• 55:19James Sexton?

  Eight years.

• 55:19Lewis Howes?

  You're a roommate.

• 55:21James Sexton?

  You're, yeah, you're a roommate. You're a miserable roommate at that. But no, because even a roommate, there's no expectation of sex.

• 55:28Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 55:29James Sexton?

  Like, you don't, well, see your roommate and go like, "Wow, we haven't had sex in a while." You're not supposed to have sex with your roommate. You're supposed to have sex with, with your sexual partner. You're supposed to have sex with your spouse. And by the way, if we haven't had sex in eight years, can you get mad when I have sex with someone else? That seems wildly unfair, you know? So that's the trick. But you know what the answer to that is? Yes, you do have a right to be upset at that if we've never had a conversation about why we're not having sex. You know, and not figured that out. Because a lot of times, it's the, again, those little things. Look, anyone who's been in a relationship knows that you sit with your partner and you're having a conversation about the best way to get onto this highway from this particular place. And it turns into a slight disagreement.

• 56:14James Sexton?

  And ten minutes later, it's, you know, "I never liked your mother."

• 56:17Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 56:17James Sexton?

  And it's like, "Wait, what? How did we just get there?" But anyone who's in a relationship knows, the fight was about one thing and then it turned into some other, much bigger, deeper thing. So it's the same thing when it comes to infidelity.

• 56:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 56:30James Sexton?

  It, you know, there was one conversation happening in the relationship about sex and then all of a sudden you turn around and you're completely in a different place and you lost the plot.

• 56:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. I was at a Cirque du Soleil show over the weekend in Vegas. And it was Zumanity, which is like the sexual, like, lovey, you know, sensual one.

• 56:49James Sexton?

  Sure.

• 56:49Lewis Howes?

  And the host of the show, the drag queen, was asking questions to people who were, looked like couples. They're like, "How long you been married? How long you been married? Are you married? Are you together?" And the drag queen asked one of the couples and was like, "How long have you guys been married?" And he said, "We're, we're not married, but we're life partners." And she goes, "Well, what does that mean?" And then, and then the guy took the mic and he said, "We're not allowing the government or the state to dictate our relationship."

• 57:19James Sexton?

  Sure.

• 57:20Lewis Howes?

  I thought that was an interesting perspective. You know, what are all the things that the government or the state actually dictates when you sign a contract or marriage?

• 57:28James Sexton?

  Yeah, and you know, the funny thing is, isn't it amazing that you live in a culture where marriage is everywhere and you don't know the answer to that? And I'm not saying you specifically. Nobody knows the answer to that. Like, I know probably twenty engaged people who don't know the answer to that. You know, whoever discovered water, it wasn't a fish. And what happens in these situations is people are so surrounded by marriage as a technology that they don't ever stop and ask the question, like, "Wait a minute, what legally happens when I get married?" So, I mean, what legally happens when you get married is, A, you opt out of the title system. So I have a car, it's in my name. It's titled in my name. I have a bank account, it's titled in my name. So title is the legal term for when someone's name is on something.

• 58:14James Sexton?

  So if you and I are friends and you own a car and it's in your name and I own a car and it's in my name, I'm taking your car now, Louis. Because your car's in your name, so you have proof of ownership of it, okay? If I say, "You know, Louis, I've bought a car. I have a Tesla, you have a Tesla. It's silly that we both have Teslas. Let's share a Tesla." So I'll put your name on my Tesla. And now we both are titled owners of that Tesla. Well, now if you and I have a parting of ways, we have to divide that Tesla somehow. And the law says, "Okay, we'll divide that based on how much you put into it and how much, who repaired it or who fixed it up." So there's all kinds of ways to determine how the ownership interest, just like a business. If we start a business together, it's in your name, it's in my name, how are we gonna divide it up? When you marry, you immediately opt out of the title system. So if it's in my name, it's ours.

• 58:59James Sexton?

  If it's in your name, it's ours.

• 59:01Lewis Howes?

  Whatever one person owns, there's no one...

• 59:03James Sexton?

  If I buy my wife a Rolex watch, I bought myself one half of a Rolex watch. If I get $10,000 in credit card debt, my spouse just got $5,000 in credit card debt. So you're opting out of this, so no one knows that. You're now opting in to certain systems regarding a lifestyle. So you're opting into systems about, you know, maintaining spousal support or alimony. Okay, what used to be called alimony is now called spousal maintenance, okay, or spousal support. And that is a system whereby if one person is an earner and the other person's less of an earner, that if there is a split between those people, that one person has to now make payments to the other person to maintain them in a certain level of lifestyle or rehabilitate their earning capacity.

• 59:47Lewis Howes?

  For life?

• 59:48James Sexton?

  No, not necessarily for life. Every state has different formulas as to how they do things. And every state has different, you know, numbers and percentages and how many years you have to be married before the right to alimony kicks in. But again, people don't know those things when they sign up. Like, you know, people, when they get married in New York State, don't know, "Oh, 17% of my gross income less FICA is my child support exposure if I have a child, one child. 25% if I have two." You know, people don't learn that. You don't get a piece of paper when you get married that explains that to you. You're signing up for a contract you don't know the terms of. And again, I think you're just sort of assuming that it's a fair contract. You haven't read it, but you just assume it's a fair contract. Getting married is like when you just agree to the terms of service on the app that you just bought.

• 1:00:29Lewis Howes?

  You have no clue what it's...

• 1:00:30James Sexton?

  Right, no clue. But if that app could take half your 401K and your house and leave with your kids, you might read the terms of service before you just kept hitting accept, you know? And that's, that's the reality. You know, that's why I think if you put engaged people in the office of a divorce lawyer and just say, "Hey, listen..."

• 1:00:49Lewis Howes?

  The pamphlet, yeah.

• 1:00:51James Sexton?

  Look, I do more prenups now than I ever did before. And, and more and more people are getting prenups.

• 1:00:56Lewis Howes?

  Do you think it's smart to have one or is it...

• 1:00:58James Sexton?

  Absolutely, absolutely.

• 1:00:59Lewis Howes?

  No matter what?

• 1:00:59James Sexton?

  It's not only smart to have one, it's incredibly foolish not to have one.

• 1:01:03Lewis Howes?

  No matter who you are, no matter where you're at in your relationship, no matter how romantic you are and how you're like, "We're gonna be together forever" and...

• 1:01:10James Sexton?

  Look, I don't plan on dying, but I have a will. I know I'm gonna die.

• 1:01:14Lewis Howes?

  You have life insurance.

• 1:01:15James Sexton?

  Every marriage is gonna end. It's either gonna end in death or divorce. But it's definitely gonna end. There's no such thing as a marriage that lasts forever. It's either gonna end in death or divorce. Do you have a will? Okay, your marriage is gonna end in death, so you have a will, right? Your marriage might end in divorce, so why not have a prenup? By the way, why not have a prenup for the reason I'm talking about, which is just to have some discussions about what do you expect from this marriage? Why are we afraid of that discussion? Why can't you sit down with a, with a person who you've been dating for that period of time and who you apparently like that much that you've decided you wanna have this person be the one you hold hands with as you walk into all of the challenges of the world? You can't have a conversation with them and say to them...

• 1:01:59James Sexton?

  If this ends.

• 1:02:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:01James Sexton?

  Maybe it's your fault, maybe it's my fault, maybe it's our fault, maybe it's some third party's fault, whatever. If this ends, and I'm not saying it will, I love you, knock wood, you know, but if this ends, what do you think it would look like? What would it look like? Like, would you set my shit on fire? Would we like sit and say, okay, wait a minute, here's what I need, here's what you need? Would you want half my things? Would I want half your things? What would be important to you? What would we do with the dog? You know, what would we do with? And having that conversation, by the way, I believe very much so, and I've heard it said many times on your podcast by a variety of professionals. We're the most alive in the presence of death. You know, we're the most alive in the presence of loss and sadness.

• 1:02:44James Sexton?

  And so I think we're the most acutely aware of the value of love when we think about losing it. You know, when we think about, what if this person was taken from me? What if this person who I love wasn't with me anymore? Like, what would I lose? What would I not have anymore? Because really, it's a conversation about value. It's a conversation about what is this person bringing to my life and to my heart? And so why not have that conversation? That's a, that's a great conversation. We're storytellers, human beings, and my job is to tell stories. My job is to go into a courtroom and tell the story of a marriage to a judge in a way that flatters my client, right? Puts a halo on my client and horns on the other side. And I want to persuade them to see things my client's way, that my parent, my client's the great parent,

• 1:03:29James Sexton?

  the other side's not the great parent, you know, if it's a custody case, whatever it might be. So I'm a storyteller by nature, and I have to learn how to, how to spin some of the same facts into, into different outcomes. And what I'll say is, I understand the power of stories, you know, and the stories we tell ourselves about our marriage and the stories we tell each other about our marriage. We've all been out to dinner with someone who we're dating or married to, and somebody says, so how'd you guys meet? And so you tell the sweet little story of how you met. And everybody like kind of lights up a little bit, like nobody, everybody pays attention to that story. That's a fun story. Like, I like to hear that story. I like to hear, how did you meet your girlfriend? Oh, tell me about that. And by the way, your demeanor changes when you tell that story.

• 1:04:10Lewis Howes?

  You light up.

• 1:04:11James Sexton?

  Yeah, you light up a little bit. Right. And so I think people kind of, in that moment, there's a lot of like reconnection to the love again, right? There's a lot of reconnection to each other in that moment. Because why? Because you're talking about when this person wasn't with you, and then they came to you and they added something to your life. Well, why not have that conversation when you're getting married? Why not have a conversation about, what did I have before you? And if there was to be an after you, what would it look like for me? Because I think it's a very romantic conversation. I think it's a very romantic thing to speak so honestly to someone about, here's what you bring to my life, here's what I hope I bring to yours. If this ends in a way other than us dying, what would it look like?

• 1:04:55James Sexton?

  How would I express my love for you? You know, I'm very proud as a divorced man that my love for my ex-wife is still evident in my behavior. It's still evident in the fact that I've treated her with love and respect, and I'm still someone who supports her as a person and who's still emotionally there for her. I've embraced the man she married because he's now part of my family, because he's part of my son's family. So that's an act of love, to talk about how marriages end in a very fearless way. And I think it'd be, it'd be a great thing if people did it more often. Prenups are on the rise. People don't talk about the fact that they're getting prenups because it's just not something, you don't on Facebook go, we just did our prenup. You don't. You post, oh, we just tasted cakes.

• 1:05:38James Sexton?

  We just tasted cakes, or, oh, we just found the venue. You don't say like, just finished negotiating the prenup, or just finished, you know, talking about the prenup. But it's something people are doing because they're pragmatic and they're realistic.

• 1:05:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:50James Sexton?

  You know?

• 1:05:50Lewis Howes?

  And I know the stats too, 53%, so it's like, let's be realistic. Like, if something happens, hopefully it doesn't.

• 1:05:59Lewis Howes?

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• 1:06:41Lewis Howes?

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• 1:07:03Lewis Howes?

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• 1:07:48Lewis Howes?

  Your mental health doesn't need a special occasion or anyone else's permission to matter. BetterHelp can connect you with a therapist who gets you so you can make space for what matters to you. Visit betterhelp.com/greatness to explore your payment options. That's better H-E-L-P.com/greatness. Now, you've been married, you've been divorced. Would you ever get married again? And do you believe in the technology and the way that it is right now still?

• 1:08:16James Sexton?

  Yeah, I believe very much in marriage. I think marriage is like the lottery. You're probably not gonna win.

• 1:08:24James Sexton?

  But, but if you win, what you win is so good that it's worth buying a ticket. It's worth giving it a try. My parents were married for over 50 years. My mom passed away two years ago after a long battle with cancer. But they had a tremendous partnership, and their lives were better for having loved each other. And they had ups, and they had downs, and they had challenges. But their lives were really enriched by the fact that they married each other. I think the upside of marriage is so good. And the downside doesn't have to be as bad as we make it. So I think that's where Esther Perel's got it right, is we have to reinvent how we view marriage. And we have to, as a culture, start talking about what's really going on in marriages

• 1:09:09James Sexton?

  and what, what, what's really happening with them, and what's really important to us in marriage and why we're getting married. We have to start looking at marriage as a technology, not as some romantic sentiment. And I think if we do that, we're gonna find ourselves in a better place as a culture, and that's a technology that might be worth signing on for, you know? But definitely a prenup. I mean, a prenup would be in order.

• 1:09:30Lewis Howes?

  Got you. Now, so you would get married again. Let's say you got married and it worked and it was amazing, and all the things happened that you wanted to happen and enriched both of your lives. But for whatever reason, you realize 10, 20, 8 years later, like, it's not working for us anymore. And you decide this part ways again. Would you get married again?

• 1:09:49James Sexton?

  Great question. So here's what I'll-

• 1:09:51Lewis Howes?

  Would you continue to do? Would you say, you know what? All right, I've done it a couple of times.

• 1:09:53James Sexton?

  So I give-

• 1:09:55Lewis Howes?

  It's not working.

• 1:09:56James Sexton?

  I had a client, I had a client who I did his fourth divorce. And a prenup for his fifth marriage.

• 1:10:03Lewis Howes?

  No way.

• 1:10:04James Sexton?

  Okay, and I had the same reaction as you.

• 1:10:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:06James Sexton?

  But let me tell you what he said to me, and it was, it was really, it stuck with me. This is 15 years ago. I said to him, because he's an older fellow at that point, and I said to him, like, you know, look, you realize you don't like have to marry them, right? Like, you can, you can sleep with them, you can date them. Even people live together now, like, people don't have, because I thought maybe he's old school. Like, maybe no one told him, you know, that it's okay. Like, you can, you know, not from like the Vatican perspective, but like, it's okay. Like, you can do this. Nobody's gonna look at you culturally anymore and say, you know, shame on you, you're living in sin. So he said to me, look, he said, um, let's say you buy a car and you drive it for 20 years and it's super reliable and it gets you where you need to be.

• 1:10:51James Sexton?

  But eventually it just breaks down. So you go out and you buy a sports car. You buy a flashy, amazing sports car and within six months you realize this was a terrible idea. This was impractical. This is not the right car for you. So you get rid of that car. And then you get another car that's closer to the first car and you really think, okay, this is gonna be the car. But for whatever reason, it just doesn't kind of mesh the right way. And you know, maybe it's that your driving habits after all these years or whatever it is, but it breaks down and you get rid of it. Are you gonna just walk everywhere for the rest of your life?

• 1:11:25Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:11:26James Sexton?

  And I remember thinking, okay, that's not bad. Like, the truth is, is that we wanna maintain connection. Marriage is not a decision that one person makes. It's a decision two people make. I mean, arguably more than two people. Cause people get married, not just for each other, they get married because their parents expect them to get married, their culture expects them to get married, their friends expect them to get married. So it's not even just about a personal decision between two people. But no one ever gets married just because they felt like getting married. There has to be another person in the equation. So I think realistically, people just keep trying. I think it's foolish to say, well, if I had a failed marriage, I wouldn't get married. Listen, there are very few things in life that I was good at the first time I did it. Very few things. A lot of times, I gotta screw something up several times before I get it right.

• 1:12:10Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:12:11James Sexton?

  You know, I, I was bad at jujitsu for a good five years before I got even vaguely good at it.

• 1:12:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:16James Sexton?

  You know, the first time somebody handed you a baseball bat or threw a spiral, you know, you, you didn't catch a football and go, oh yeah, I know how to do this now. It's something that you really have to fail, you have to suck at before you get good at it. So marriage might be that kind of thing. You might have to suck at marriage a little bit. Now, maybe you can suck at it and improve at it during the marriage.

• 1:12:34Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:12:35James Sexton?

  Or maybe you suck at it, you have to end the marriage and you go, okay, let's try this again. You know? It's a very personal thing, I think. And it has to really do with, I'm always afraid that anything I say about marriage is gonna come off as an endorsement of or a condemnation of marriage. And it's, it's not that. Again, it's a technology. I'm not for or against mugs. I just know what purpose they're supposed to serve and I know what problems they potentially create. And then the question is, is do you have that problem? Not do I have that problem. You know, if you say, is marriage good? For who? For me or for you? Or, or for your cousin? Or for your mom? Who? You know, those answers are gonna be different. Is that shirt good? Yeah, that shirt's good for you. It wouldn't fit me.

• 1:13:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:16James Sexton?

  So the question really is about, does this technology make sense for you? And if you live in the tundra, your Tesla doesn't make sense. So could I then say, well, Teslas are stupid? No, Teslas just don't make sense for you. So I think marriage, why can't we look at marriage the same way? Why does marriage have to be one size fits all? And again, that's the kind of stuff that Esther Perle, I think, says so eloquently. She said it on the show, is that, you know, it, it doesn't have to be, it's about the two people that are in that marriage and the larger context of the, of the group they're in and figuring out what, if then that makes sense.

• 1:13:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:47James Sexton?

  You know, not just, is marriage good or bad?

• 1:13:49Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. What are you, you have two kids, you said?

• 1:13:52James Sexton?

  Two kids, yeah.

• 1:13:53Lewis Howes?

  Two kids. What, what advice do you give to them on marriage?

• 1:13:55James Sexton?

  I've always told them to take it seriously. Just take marriage seriously. I mean, my, one son is 19, the other one's soon to be 21. My older son is at the age where I, I married his mother. Um, and we remind him of that constantly and he's completely freaked out by it. And my younger son is at the age where I moved in with his mother. He's also equally freaked out by that thought. But I'm very blessed in the sense that my sons grew up with a sense of marriage as a technology because of what their father does for a living. And also because we had to explain to them at the ages of, you know,

• 1:14:29Lewis Howes?

  Divorced.

• 1:14:30James Sexton?

  10 or eight and 10. We had to explain to them in a way that kid could understand. And the way we chose to do it was to say to them a very specific thing. We said to them, you know, mom and dad don't love each other in the very specific way married people are supposed to. But we both love you and you're only gonna have one mom and one dad and we're always gonna be a family. And we repeated that over and over and over and over again. You know? Because think about, like, break that down a little bit. It's not, mom and dad don't love each other. No, mom and dad love each other. There's a lot of people I love I wouldn't wanna be married to.

• 1:15:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:06James Sexton?

  We don't love each other in the very specific way married people are supposed to love each other. And kids can understand that. Because kids know, the way I love grandma, the way I love mom, the way I love my teddy bear are three different ways. So it's okay to say, you know, I love this person, but I don't love them in the very specific way a married person is supposed to love their spouse. You know? And that to me is what I've always tried to say to them. It's just when you marry, if you're thinking about getting married, take it seriously. Ask yourself, what problem am I trying to solve by marrying this person? Look at honestly what they want, what you want and what will likely happen in your life, just like that car example. Yeah, you don't know what's gonna happen in life, but there are certain predictable things that you can think about.

• 1:15:48James Sexton?

  You know, I'm gonna get older, I'm gonna, my health will fail eventually at some point. I may wanna have kids. I mean, I'm going backwards, but you know, there, we will have misfortunes sometimes, we'll have challenges. So knowing what you're likely to come up against, does this person make sense? And if the answer is yes, then, you know, give it a shot. Have a prenup and give it a shot.

• 1:16:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Is there a marriage that you admire a lot, that you've seen?

• 1:16:12James Sexton?

  I have, yeah. I mean, I have, I don't have a famous person marriage I could point to, although I think Ted Danson and Mary, I forget what her last name is, they have a pretty, uh, they seem to be each other's fans in a huge way. I mean, I, I love when you see couples that have been together for an extended period of time and they're just still cheering for each other. They're just still like, so like, in this person's corner. And they just look at them like, like, I'm so proud of them, I'm so excited about them, you know? And that to me is, those are relationships worth having. I have a real relationship role model. I have two very dear friends who have been married for a little over 20 years. I knew them when they were in college. We all went to college together. They have two sons who are roughly the same age as my sons.

• 1:16:56James Sexton?

  And they still, she still refers to him as her boyfriend and he still refers to her as his girlfriend.

• 1:17:02Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:17:03James Sexton?

  And she'll write on her Facebook, like, oh, my boyfriend's coming home today, cause he travels a lot for work. And she'll say, oh, my boyfriend's coming home today. You know, Jimmy Iovine, the, the record, you know, executive and, and genius, said, cause he's been, he's had an incredibly successful marriage and incredibly happy marriage, long-term marriage.

• 1:17:19Lewis Howes?

  The second one or the, cause he was married for a while and then he got divorced, right?

• 1:17:23James Sexton?

  This is his, this current marriage.

• 1:17:24Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:25James Sexton?

  Yeah, his current marriage. But he's been married for an extended period of time.

• 1:17:27Lewis Howes?

  Got it.

• 1:17:28James Sexton?

  And his secret to it, that he's pretty open about, is never stop closing your wife.

• 1:17:34Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:17:35James Sexton?

  He just never, he's like, I'm always just trying to close. I'm always just trying to like, impress her, woo her.

• 1:17:40Lewis Howes?

  It's never finished.

• 1:17:41James Sexton?

  And so, never finished, right. It's always this, and that's why I said that, you know, marriage is hard if you think paying attention is hard. If you don't think paying attention's hard, marriage isn't that hard. So it really is about, like, I, I see in this, my relationship role models, I see in them this constant, like, they wouldn't forget to get the granola. They wouldn't stop doing that little thing. That little thing that lets the other person know, man, I like you, I'm cheering for you. Like, I want it to be good.

• 1:18:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Make sure you guys get this book. I think it's really cool. If you're in my office, it's already too late. A Divorce Lawyer's Guide to Staying Together. Make sure you check this out. I think it's gonna be really powerful. You can get it right now. Couple final questions for you. Uh, this is called the three truths. And if this was your last day many years from now and all the stuff you've written and talked about and everything you've experienced and all your dreams you had come true, but you wouldn't be able to leave them behind, you'd have to take them with you. So no one would have access to all your information, your message, your content, the things you've done. You'd have to bring it with you when you, when you pass on. But you got to leave behind a piece of paper that said your three truths.

• 1:18:52Lewis Howes?

  Three things you need to be true about all your experiences in life, whether it be from your career, work, love, relationships, parenting, whatever it may be. These will only be three lessons you can leave behind. What would you say are your three truths?

• 1:19:05James Sexton?

  So I would say the first one would be that the hard thing to do and the right thing to do are almost always the same thing.

• 1:19:16James Sexton?

  Because I think that that's something I've learned in every aspect of my life, that the hard thing and the right thing are almost always the same thing.

• 1:19:24James Sexton?

  The second thing would be it's all about connection. I would probably just write, it's all about connection. And I would hope that the person would understand what I meant, that there really was nothing else at the end of the day. That's that everything we do in our lives, whether it's our desire for sex, our desire for money, our desire for art, to create art, to create beauty, it's all about connection. We're just trying to connect to each other. And, and, and that's the beauty of it, and that's the tragedy of it. Because in my office, I see the beauty of it, and then I see the tragedy of it when we lose that connection, or when we miss that connection, or when we let that connection fall apart. So I would say it's all about connection. And the third thing, I, I, you know, and it's probably a shallow thing to say, but I would say, don't take it so seriously.

• 1:20:08James Sexton?

  I think when I look back on my life as a 45 year old man, you know, solidly midlife, I look back on it, and I think to myself that there really are only five or six moments that when I think about my life, I go, wow, that was such a great moment. And none of them, when it was happening, did I realize how great it was. You know, I think back now, I just had this thought the other day, because both my sons are in college now. And my youngest, I became an empty nester in September, when my youngest went off to college. And I was thinking the other day about if I had to think of a moment in my life that was like the, just the greatest moment. And it wouldn't be like when I graduated law school, or when I, you know, uh, uh, you know, won some trial, or when my book was published, you know?

• 1:20:53James Sexton?

  It would be like some night when I was divorced for a year or two, and I, you know, went to the store and got just what the kids liked to eat, because they were coming for the weekend. And I like made them dinner, and they sat at the table doing their homework. And we were just together, and I felt like a really engaged, wonderful, loving father, you know? It wasn't the kind of father I had. My father was like a, of his generation, kind of a father. You know, he drank, and he kind of, you know, didn't talk, talk too much about feelings or anything like that. He wasn't the kind of man that would read the mask of masculinity. But to me, those little moments, those unexpected little moments, it's everything. And so just don't take all of the other stuff so seriously. Because when you look back, even in a marriage, like the, the, there were moments in that marriage that you,

• 1:21:37James Sexton?

  while it's happening, you had no idea that that was the best it was gonna get, you know? So just cultivate space and leave opportunity for those ridiculous little moments, that, that, and don't take the rest of it so seriously.

• 1:21:48Lewis Howes?

  I like those. Yeah, that's cool, man. I want to acknowledge you for a moment, Jim, for, there's a lot of pain that couples go through. There's a lot of heartache, a lot of misery. There's a lot of stress, anxiety through the divorce process. So for you to give some great information from your almost two decades of, of insights, to be able to hopefully prevent a lot of the pain that people don't need to go through, I want to acknowledge you for using your gifts, for using your information and presenting in a way that is fun and interesting and inspiring, but also informational, so we can hopefully not make a lot of mistakes that 53% of people do make. Not even mistakes, but just being aware going into what we're doing, and having all the information laid out.

• 1:22:34James Sexton?

  Yeah, I'd love to put myself out of business. I say it all the time. I'd love to put myself out of business. I don't think it'll happen. I don't think that any, I think the truth's out there in a lot of things, and, but can people apply the truth? And are people interested in hearing it? I don't know. I hope so.

• 1:22:48Lewis Howes?

  It's the same thing with nutrition. You know, there's a lot of nutritionists that would love to put themselves out of business when all the information's available for us. For some reason, we keep making the same mistakes, or getting obese, or hurting ourselves in that way too. But you've got a powerful gift, and I'm glad that you're able to present this information in a fun and interesting storytelling type of way. So I acknowledge you for all that you're doing, man. And I'm glad you came on. I think this will be fascinating for a lot of people. Final question before I ask it. Make sure you guys get the book. We'll have it linked up with everything else talked about on this page, on the resources, in the show notes. Final question is, what's your definition of greatness?

• 1:23:23James Sexton?

  I would say greatness is diving deeply into what you do. Everything that you do, just diving deeply into it. And, and the tragedy of our time is people spending five days a week looking forward to two. You know, 50 weeks a year, looking forward to the two weeks vacation they get. You know, to me, greatness is about identifying and diving deeply into the things that make you feel alive, and that make you feel connected. You know, again, it's all about connection. I mean, it's ridiculous that a divorce lawyer who disconnects people for a living is preaching the gospel of connection. But, but that's the truth. It's about connection. It's about connecting to yourself, connecting to other people. So I would say the definition of greatness for me is about just diving deeply into connection.

• 1:24:08Lewis Howes?

  Jim.

• 1:24:09James Sexton?

  Great to see you, Lewis. Thanks so much for having me. Appreciate it.

• 1:24:12Lewis Howes?

  My friend, I hope you're enjoying this episode right now, because we are on a mission to impact 100 million lives every single week. And every follow here on this podcast helps us reach more people. Make sure to hit the follow at the top of this show's page right now. It's the single biggest thing that you can do to support the show and the impact of us reaching you every single time we have new episodes. I appreciate you, and I can't wait to see you in the next episode. I hope you enjoyed today's episode, and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally,

• 1:24:57Lewis Howes?

  as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media, and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you, and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

• 1:25:37Lewis Howes?

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