12 Powerful Listening Hacks to Instantly Build Deeper Connections

👇 SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL - so this show can reach more people 👇 https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIprGZAdzn3ZqgLmDuibYcw?sub_confirmation=1 Click the Link Below to Subscribe to my email list to MAXOUT your life (all value, no fluff) https://konect.to/edmylett The Power of Listening: How to Build Deeper Connections That Last In this mashup episode, I’m bringing you transformative insights from five powerhouse guests—Brad Lea, Chris Voss, Chuck Wisner, Jason Wilson, and John Maxwell—on the skill that too many people overlook: listening. If you’ve ever struggled to connect with others, influence at a higher level, or strengthen your most important relationships, this episode will show you why listening isn’t just a soft skill—it’s a superpower. Brad Lea opens up about how active listening changed the way he leads and sells, while Chris Voss, one of the world’s top negotiators, reveals the exact listening strategies FBI agents use to build trust and influence in high-stakes situations. Chuck Wisner dives into the deeper role conversations play in shaping our lives and why most of us miss the opportunities hidden in everyday dialogue. Jason Wilson brings raw honesty about listening as a pathway to emotional strength, healing, and breaking generational cycles. And John Maxwell, one of the greatest leadership voices of our time, shares how leaders who listen lead movements that last. What ties all of these conversations together is simple but profound: people don’t just want to be heard—they want to be understood. When you learn to listen with intention, you unlock influence, intimacy, and impact in every area of your life. Whether you’re negotiating a deal, leading a team, raising a family, or building a brand, listening is the multiplier that will elevate you to the next level. I want you to walk away from this episode not just inspired but equipped—with practical tools you can use today to listen better, connect deeper, and lead stronger. Because when you master listening, you master life. Key Takeaways: - Brad Lea on why listening is the ultimate sales and leadership edge - Chris Voss’s FBI-tested listening techniques to build trust and influence - Chuck Wisner on how conversations shape our lives and relationships - Jason Wilson on listening as a tool for emotional healing and strength - John Maxwell on why great leaders are always great listeners - The difference between hearing and truly listening with intention - How to create deeper connections in business, family, and everyday life - Practical listening hacks you can use immediately to strengthen influence and impact This episode will challenge the way you communicate and transform the way you connect—with yourself, with others, and with your calling. Thank you for watching this video—Please Share it and get the word out! 👇 SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL👇 https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIprGZAdzn3ZqgLmDuibYcw?sub_confirmation=1 ▶︎ Visit My WEBSITE | https://www. EdMylett.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Ed Mylett?

  I hear so many small business owners say the exact same thing. They just never have enough time in the day. Well, I measure time differently. I've compressed, condensed, heck, I've bent time. My first day is 6:00 a.m. to noon. My second day starts at noon and goes till 6:00 p.m. And my third day, 6:00 p.m. to midnight. I now get 21 days a week. Stack that up over a month, over a year, over five years, and my life's completely different than it would have been otherwise. And if you want to win as an entrepreneur, you have to compress your time too. And you definitely can't afford to waste it waiting weeks on a big bank for capital. Your best bet's to work with my friends at Cardiff. They know how to compress time for entrepreneurs. They get your business approved in minutes and funded the very same day. They're America's favorite small business lender, and for good reason.

• 0:45Ed Mylett?

  Over 20 years in business, over $12 billion deployed to small business across America. Stop letting bank delays slow down your momentum. Head to cardiff.co/ed. That's cardiff.co/ed. Cardiff.co. Real growth, fast funding. Cardiff. Borrow better.

• 1:06Brad Lea?

  This is The Ed Mylett Show.

• 1:10Ed Mylett?

  Hey, everyone. Welcome to my weekend special. I hope you enjoy the show. Be sure to follow The Ed Mylett Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. And one of the things we've not covered that is such a critical part of communication, and maybe more important even what you say, is your ability to listen to people. It's a huge part of communication. You know, I've taught you before that people don't respond to what they hear or see. They respond to how they feel when they interact with you. And one of the best ways to make somebody feel good is that they feel listened to and that they feel heard. And it's one of the skills that I struggle with the most, which is why I'm so excited to cover this with you today, because quite frankly, it's something that I've struggled with myself, is my ability to just be present and to listen to people.

• 1:54Ed Mylett?

  And so, like many of the shows, I'm excited to teach these things to you for your own benefit, but it also helps me in owning this material. And frankly, anything you teach to people, you end up owning more yourself. And so, very, very excited to cover this with you here today. And like I said, it's not something I've been very good at my entire life as being a great listener. So I want to get right into it. And what caused me to do the show today is really two things. I had someone join me on my jet a few weeks ago on a pretty long flight. And there was a group of people, but one particular guy who's an entrepreneur. And I won't say who he is. But he spent a three-hour flight with me on my jet. So he spent about three hours with me about a foot and a half from me. And for three straight hours, he did not ask me one question about myself. He did not listen to one thing I had to say, didn't ask me for any advice.

• 2:38Ed Mylett?

  And he talked about himself for three hours. And this is somebody prior to that flight that I really liked. I was struck, and so were other people in the flight than when they landed. And I don't mean that I'm a big deal or anything like that. But they were shocked why a rising entrepreneur wouldn't take advantage of the time of being with me to ask me questions. I think most of you, if we spent three hours together, you'd probably want to ask me a question or two. And he did not ask me one single question. And he talked about himself and his life and his background and what he had achieved and what he was going to achieve and what he was good at and all those things. And it was probably true. But I found myself when the flight was over, quite honestly, not liking him quite as much as I did before the flight. Because people don't like to hear about you all the time. People want to feel heard.

• 3:22Ed Mylett?

  They want to feel listened to. And he didn't do any of that the entire flight. Plus the fact, he didn't learn anything that flight. So remember this, I know there's the old adage that you have two eyes and two ears and one mouth for a reason. And you ought to use them in that ratio. But really, you should even use the, you should use your mouth even less. And so the, two things happened on that flight. One, he didn't get anything out of it. He didn't learn anything. And two, it made the people around him, quite frankly, not care for him to the extent they could have, because he's a really good guy. But he just talked the entire time. And I don't think he did it out of ego. I think he did it because he was nervous. And so that's one thing I want you to check in the very beginning. When you get nervous, I do, when you get nervous, do you begin to talk more? One of the great things about my show is that I've had to learn to listen more. And people say all the time, one of the reasons they like my show is I seem so excited

• 4:07Ed Mylett?

  and so interested in what people are saying. Because I sincerely am. I've learned that being a great listener is easier than being a great talker. Because being a great listener, the pressure's off you to come up with the perfect thing to say, right? The perfect response, the perfect phrase that sounds smarter or better than somebody. You don't have to do that. When you're a great listener. And people's favorite topic, number one, remember this, people's favorite topic is themselves. They love to talk about themselves. One of the things I've found over and over in my life, and my friends get a kick out of this, but when I play golf, you know, you'll spend four or five hours with somebody when you're on a golf course. And oftentimes, my friends will tell me, "Man, Dave really liked you, Ed." Like, "He really enjoyed the time with you, Eddie, so much." But he doesn't know anything about you. And one of the reasons they like me so much is I don't talk about myself.

• 4:52Ed Mylett?

  I love to talk about them. I love to ask questions about them. And so it's interesting, when we're done, they really, really like me, and they know nothing about me. And they wonder why they like me. But the reason they like me is I allowed them to talk about themselves. Plus the fact, the way I look at life, I already know about me. I'm not gonna learn anything else by talking about myself. I'm gonna learn by asking them questions about them. And so I think being a great listener has lots of benefits. One, people will like you more. Two, you're going to learn more. Three, it takes the pressure off you. And so listening skills are so critical. And even as we cover this, you may say, "I'm a great listener." Well, let's go through some things and see how good we all are. Because even on my show, I'll be honest with you, I watch replays back of my show, and I interrupt too much. I jump in too much. I finish people's sentences for them too often.

• 5:37Ed Mylett?

  And that's an ego thing, almost like, "I think I can say it better than them." In fact, I'm so bad at it, I'll be honest with you. Before every show, I tell them, "Hey, this isn't like any other interview you've been on before. I'm gonna interrupt you, you can interrupt me. We'll make it like a real conversation." And all of my guests always politely say, "Wonderful, that's great. I want you to cut me off." But the truth is, that's not how a great conversation goes. It's not two people interrupting each other all the time. It's one person talking, another person listening until they're finished speaking, and then responding. So this is something I'm not very good at. And so I teach this to you today, not being critical of you, but knowing that it's something I'm gonna have to get better at myself. So here we go. Let's talk about some critical steps of being a great listener. You know, there's this thing that's out there too that says, "Hey, when you're speaking to a woman, she doesn't want you to solve her problems. She just wants you to listen to her."

• 6:22Ed Mylett?

  You've all heard this before, right? Men, that's different. Let me tell you. None of this stuff is gender-specific. It's not true at all. Nobody wants you to solve their problem, necessarily. Not right away. Everybody wants to be heard. Everybody wants to be listened to. Everybody likes to talk about themselves. And so just please remember that. This is not gender specific. Men and women aren't different on this. Men like to be heard as well. Men like to be important. Men like to be funny. Men like to be interesting. Men want to share their ideas and thoughts and worries and fears with other people, just like women do. So remember this. You don't always want to just go solve their problem right away. Next thing is this. Always be asking people for understanding. So that when they say something, when they're finished speaking, ask them,

• 7:05Ed Mylett?

  "So what I think you're saying is," or "What I'm hearing is," or "Clarify this for me." Because this shows how deeply you were listening when you ask for clarification. And "What I'm hearing is," by the way, when you say the sentence to somebody, "So what I'm hearing is," that lets them know you were hearing them, that you were listening to them. So as I was listening to you, this is what I understood. Help me understand. Clarify for me. Because this gives a deeper sense you were listening to somebody. The next thing is what I'm doing right now with you. Make eye contact. Look right at them when you're talking to them. Don't be distracted. Don't look around. Don't look at your phone. The way you tell me I'm important is by looking at me. I have a significant person in my life. And one of the things that drives me crazy is I'm always saying, "Are you listening to me?" And she's always like, "Yes, of course I'm listening to you."

• 7:49Ed Mylett?

  And I'm like, "Well, could you look at me and let me know you're listening to me?" I'm not going to say who that is either. But we all have that person in our life who they're listening, but they don't know to let us know they're listening. One of the best ways you can do that is by just looking right at somebody, nodding with them when they say something you agree with, right? Smiling when it's funny, like giving a normal response. And you'd say, "Well, this is basic stuff." You'd be surprised how often you look away, how often you're not focused. The next thing is, check your body language. Are you leaning in? Are you welcoming? Are you warm? Or are your arms crossed when you're talking to somebody? See, I have this tendency, when I'm really listening, I get really drawn in. One of the things I do is I get very serious.

• 8:32Ed Mylett?

  And I almost begin to grimace and make a face because I'm so interested. I'm in deep thought. But what happens is, my visual on my face doesn't indicate to them that I'm enjoying what they're saying or that I'm listening very deeply. So make sure that your facial expression, this may seem basic, but your facial expression... Matches the moment, matches the emotion. Some other people do something different. They're always smiling when something very serious is being said. That's not an appropriate facial expression. And it looks like you're not listening, or it disconnects the connection, if you will. No pun intended, between you and that person. So check your facial expressions. Make sure you're looking at them. Check your physiology and your body language. The next thing is that when someone's talking, the highest form of listening

• 9:16Ed Mylett?

  is to let them finish their sentence. Do not interrupt them. Do not interrupt them. I do this all the time when I get excited. Oh, really? Almost like I want to jump in and get my point in before they're finished. Or I want to sound smarter. Or if I don't say it now, I'm going to forget to say it. Probably the number one weakness in my ability in listening to people is my desire and tendency to jump in before they finish their thought. And what that says is, my thoughts more important than yours. My needs are more important than you. I'm done listening to what you're saying. Be careful to say things like this when they're talking. Uh huh, right, got it. Yeah, wow, mm. Because what that does is, it's called a nudge. You're nudging them along verbally to finish. It's like, hurry up, I got something to say.

• 10:01Ed Mylett?

  Uh huh, right. And that nudges them verbally. I used to think that those were things I was saying that confirmed what they were saying. But it was really what was really happening is I would nudge. Better is that when they're done, you say, wow, or that's interesting. Or you at least respond when they're finished. All responses are wonderful once they're finished speaking. But don't do the verbal nudges that get them to speed up and finish. Don't finish sentences for people next. It's another thing I do. They'll be saying something and they'll be struggling for a word, and I give them the word. Let them find the word. It's their word, not yours. And you're stealing control of the conversation from them and making them feel like you're not listening to them. Don't finish their sentences. Don't give them better words. Don't talk over them. Don't interrupt them.

• 10:42Ed Mylett?

  These are all things that we all kind of do from time to time when we get excited. I'm not suggesting if someone does make an incredible point, that you don't begin to laugh or jump in. When it's your pattern with somebody, you're not being a good listener. Also, use acknowledgement statements when they're done. "I agree. That's wonderful. That's amazing. Congratulations." Like, do things like that that acknowledge what they said, because when you acknowledge what they've said, they feel open. That's an invitation to say more. But when you don't acknowledge what they've said, you don't give a statement to it when they're done, then they don't feel comfortable continuing to speak. And so, ask probative questions. So, when you ask somebody, for example, if they're new to you, "Do you have kids?" They say, "Yes, I do." A follow-up question is, "What are their names? What are their ages?"

• 11:26Ed Mylett?

  Begin to learn the volley of follow-up questions. The more specific questions you ask, the more, what I call, follow-up questions, the more and more interested you appear to somebody. Let me give you one more huge thing in being a great listener. Where appropriate, you touch somebody. So, when they're talking, if they're leaning in, it's an emotion, and you grab their hand, or you touch their knee. Or when they're finished speaking, you shake their hand, or hug them, or pat them on the shoulder. And by the way, this has to be appropriate, right? Especially when you're talking about different genders. Be very careful of this. But one of the ways you anchor in, "I'm listening to you," is with a touch. It anchors in the emotion. And so, I'll often be careful when I shake their hand of touching them, or touching their shoulder, or hugging them when we're done, or patting them on the shoulder or knee,

• 12:09Ed Mylett?

  or something like that, that just acknowledges, "I'm hearing you." If it's a guy, maybe it's a fist pump or a high five, right? But it acknowledges the listening, and it encourages them to continue. So, that is a little bit gender-specific, but I just want to reinforce to you that that just shows you're listening. Then, there's a series of questions I think you should ask yourself, just sort of a checklist of whether or not you're a great listener. So, ask yourself this, in conversations you have, "Do you intend to do more or less talking than the other person?" This is a huge one for me, especially in business, or even in social as well. Do I talk more than them in the conversation? If I've come out of a good conversation, I've talked less than the other person has talked. Man, is this a difficult one for me, particularly when you're in a position of authority with somebody, when they're asking you a lot of questions, and you're just answering.

• 12:54Ed Mylett?

  Make sure you're feeding questions back to them. A great conversation... Is at least a 50/50 split, but I think the best of them, they've talked more than me. That way, I think I've given them more of my emotion and caring and concern than they've given to me. So ask yourself, what are your ratios in your average conversations? This is true, by the way, in everything. In your business meetings, in your sales meetings, with your children, with your spouse, with your friends, with someone you're comfortable with for 30 years and someone you've met for 30 seconds. Who talks more in your exchanges? Number two, when you don't understand what they're saying, do you ask them questions? This is such a huge form of connection with people. Oftentimes, if we don't understand something somebody said,

• 13:35Ed Mylett?

  we don't ask them a question about it because it may make us look not so smart or not very prepared. But the way that you really indicate I'm listening to you is, hey, can you help me understand this? And you ask for understanding, "I didn't understand what that word meant," or "I'm not sure who Bill is that you're referring to." "Bill who?" Right? When you begin to ask questions of understanding, the connection deepens with that person. Another question to ask yourself is, when you're in a conversation with somebody, do you often try to figure out what they're going to say before they finish saying it? This is an indication that you're not present with them when you're listening and you're trying to get them to finish speaking so that you can jump in and say your very important thing. So don't be trying to project forward what they're about to say because that means you're not listening in the present and there's a disconnect when you do that.

• 14:20Ed Mylett?

  So ask yourself this, do I often or ever try to project forward what they're going to say before they've said it? Next, do you find yourself just not paying attention when somebody's speaking to you? I mean, maybe you are looking around, or do you find yourself just thinking about other things when people speak to you? This is a value issue. It really means that these other things are more important to you than what this person is saying. And when you begin to build a habit and a pattern of truly not paying attention, one of the reasons I enjoy my interviews so much, and quite frankly, my connection with my guests are so long-lasting after the program. It's because I am so interested in what they're saying. And I'm interested in what all people are saying. If you were my Uber driver, I think my Uber drivers would tell you, "Man, this guy is overly interested in what I'm saying." And my cameraman, Mike, is nodding right now because he's been in enough Ubers with me to know.

• 15:05Ed Mylett?

  I talk to everybody. I think people are gifts. And I believe the way you open them up is by asking them questions. And so I don't care if you're a server in a restaurant, my Uber driver, a guest on my show who's worth a billion dollars, or the top athletes in the world. My pattern of conversations with people is very similar. I'm interested in what they're saying sincerely. And I think you should just begin to ask yourself that question. Are you sincerely interested in what they're saying? Because they can feel this intuitively. Another thing to ask yourself is, in a conversation, can you intuitively sort of tell the difference between what somebody is saying and what they really feel? Why is this so important? Because oftentimes, people wear social masks with us, don't they? And they'll tell us things, frankly, that just aren't true or don't completely confirm the way they're feeling about something.

• 15:50Ed Mylett?

  And so a deep, deep level of listening is you can almost feel what they really sense about something or what they're really feeling, not just listening to the words. This is a way of connecting with someone. They don't even know you're connecting with them. But their words don't match their feelings. And when you can connect with their real feeling, man, have you not only got influence over them, but most importantly, you've got a connection with them. Next one. In conversations with people, do you find yourself finishing their sentences or supplying them with better words? Don't do that. I have this mistake sometimes where I finish their sentence for them, right? And I think, "Oh, we're connecting. I'm with you." That's not what it does. It disconnects you from somebody when you use a better word or a different one. They say, "You know what? I really was just, um, just really sad." "Oh, you were just really bummed out then, huh?"

• 16:35Ed Mylett?

  You've rephrased something for them. Another way of listening the wrong way, I think, is do you sometimes only hear the facts and details they're giving and not listening for the emotion behind it? Just listening for the emotion from somebody gives you a much deeper level of connection with them than just listening to the facts and figures. This is important, especially in sales, when someone's giving you facts and figures back. If you can connect with the emotion of it, big, big difference. Lastly, do you struggle with seeing things from that person's perspective? Like really connecting with them, really empathizing with them, really believing in them? This is so important when you're listening to somebody is to really try to connect with their point of view. Because the way you help influence me is if I can meet you where you are, I can take you where we need to go.

• 17:19Ed Mylett?

  But if I can't meet you where you are by letting you use your words, your emotions, listening for the emotion behind it, really listening for your point of view. Maybe you sell cars, for example, this person's had a really traumatic time buying cars in the past. They're very skeptical about it. You've got to be able to see it from their point of view. This is true with getting your children to behave differently, or interacting with your spouse. It's critical that you meet with them where they are and take them where you're going. So why are all these skills so important, especially from a business perspective? Because this has been very detailed, very granular. The reason it's so important is because to really influence somebody, they have to trust you. And the way you do that is by building rapport with them. So one of the things I used to do incorrectly is I brought all this massive energy. Ever people say, "You gotta bring the most energy."

• 18:02Ed Mylett?

  The highest energy person does win. But the way that you really influence somebody is by connecting with them and listening, and then matching them physically and their tonality as well. So when I talk back with somebody, I listen for their tonality. I listen to the volume of their voice, the pace of their voice, how they speak. I begin to try to match by listening to them, the words they use, the tonality they use, and the volume they use. If they use a certain set of words from time to time, if you were listening closely, if you then use some of those same words back to them, you connect. So this is a form of influence. If this person sort of repeatedly use the words, literally, literally, literally, you've heard that word three or four times?

• 18:45Ed Mylett?

  When I'm then gonna be saying my stuff back to them to influence them, I'm gonna use the word literally. This is a connection word. It's part of the words they love. When I use words they love, I can influence them. This is a huge thing in influence, in closing, in moving people to make decisions that are best for themselves. If they talk at a pace like this, just like I'm talking at this pace right now, and I'm talking like this very fast, I break connection and we can't have rapport. So I want to listen. for the pace that they speak at, the cadence, also the tonality. You know, they talk kind of hunched over and quiet. I want to talk like that and a little bit better. If they talk at a certain volume, if they talk like this, I don't want to talk like this. The same time, if they talk like this, I don't want to talk like this.

• 19:27Ed Mylett?

  I wasn't listening for their volume level. We want to match their volume level. And so when you begin to match and mirror like this, use the words they use, just a few of them, don't overcook it. But when they've got three or four words they use and use one or two of those words, I can promise you, you connect. When you speak at a similar pace to them in tonality, you connect. When you speak at a similar volume to them, you connect. If there are hand gestures, as I'm listening and observing them, they use, if they're constantly folding their hands like this. If you're on audio, I'm folding my hands right now. They pray, or they have their hands down, or they do some sort of a gesture with their hands or shoulders. I will oftentimes, I'm watching, this isn't manipulation, this is connecting with people. I'm listening so closely, I can see their physical moves as well.

• 20:12Ed Mylett?

  If there's emotions I hear them go to often, which is regret, or sadness, let's just say. They keep telling me stories about things they regret or they're sad of. I will share with them one of the things I regret and bring them with me. If they talk about, you know, past achievements, or they talk about, you know, some material things, then I'll talk about some material things or past achievements. I'm listening for them to give me the language, the words, the tonality that I can move them with. And this is also true in every area, but particularly in influence when we're trying to persuade people. So the reason this is so important is people have go-to words. And so if you're really listening closely, not only are you connecting better with me, but they will tell you the three or four words they use a lot. Every human being does this, by the way, you do it too. You have a few words you use more than most.

• 20:58Ed Mylett?

  And if someone's really listening closely, they can hear what those words are. And if I use one or two of those words back with you, I've connected with you on a deeper level. The next thing that's huge, by the way, in listening, is to repeat back to them what you believe they've just said. Repeat back to them what you've heard. This is what I've heard, this is what I'm hearing, this is what I'm listening to. This is true when I'm interacting with my children. Before I just tell them I want to do something, I listen to- To them and I say, here's what daddy's hearing. Is this true? And that's really been bothering you regularly? Is this something? So when I'm listening to them, they know I'm listening. Use acknowledgement statements. It's not done enough. People love to be complimented. I love to be complimented. You do. So after I've listened to you, after you've told me what you need to tell me, I want you to learn this sentence, everybody, right now. I just want to acknowledge you. I think you're amazing. I think you're incredible.

• 21:43Ed Mylett?

  Thank you for sharing this with me. That's awesome. And it might be with guys, you don't say, hey, bro, that was cool. Thanks, man. Man, I always love connecting with you, brother. You're my brother, right? Always do a connection statement. Always do an acknowledgement. That's why I love you, man. Whatever it is, you know, people talk differently depending on who they're around. Someone you've known 30 years is different than someone you've known 30 minutes. But the fact of the matter is, I always do connection. Man, I love you, brother. Thank you so much. That's why we're so close, man. That's why I love being around you. Whatever it is, you begin to say acknowledgement statements to somebody because it connects the conversation. It's what I call a post-frame. After someone said something, the last thing I want you to focus on, children, spouse, business, brand-new person in a social environment, or someone you've known 30 years, acknowledge them. Thank you, that was awesome. Great meeting you, if they're new, right?

• 22:27Ed Mylett?

  I get out of the room, I go, man, I enjoyed our time so much. Thank you. That's post-framing what we just talked about. If it's someone I've been with a long time, say, brother, man, that's why I love you, bro. That's why I love you. And then other people, it's like, you always just inspire me. You fire me up. Thank you. I love how vulnerable you are. Whatever it is, I just want to acknowledge you. I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you. I just want to thank you. I just want to tell you you're awesome. I just want to tell you I believe in you. Do an acknowledgement statement that post-frames what you've covered. And I promise you, you've now put a bow around being one of the great listeners that anyone will ever be around. It's going to make you one of the most well-liked and most influential people that you know. And by the way, isn't that where after in life? Being well-liked and being influential. And that usually comes down not to being an incredible orator, but being an incredible listener.

• 23:12Ed Mylett?

  And these are the skills. And these skills matter in every area. In building a church, in building a Boy Scout troop, in building a softball team, in building a business, in building any family, anything in life is that we want to be able to be liked and have influence. And that always comes down to what we make people feel. And more than anything, people feel Great when they've been able to talk about themselves, but most importantly, they feel listened to, connected with, and acknowledged. Listened to, connected with, and acknowledged. This is how we have influence over people. This is also how we make a difference in people's lives. The final piece of the puzzle is this, is that because of social media, we have such an advantage, and I just want to tell you something that doesn't happen enough. But when it has happened for you, man, does it feel like the connection's even deeper.

• 23:57Ed Mylett?

  It doesn't matter what it is, is that when your separation from that person takes place and they leave you, especially if they don't live with you, whether that be a client, a best friend, a new friend, or someone you just met. Following up a little while later with a text that just says, "I enjoyed our time so much. I enjoyed listening to you. Thanks for sharing this with me." And maybe repeating back to them what you heard a little bit of. And when you do that, it cements them. Not only did he listen to me, or she listened to me in my presence, but they continued to listen to me after I was gone. They continued to connect with me. And this extends the connection and deepens the connection. When after you physically separated, and even by the way, if this communication happened by phone and you weren't physically with them,

• 24:39Ed Mylett?

  for you to follow up after a phone call with a text a few hours later that just says, "Man, I enjoyed the talk so much. Thanks for sharing that with me," or "Always love when we connect," or "You always make me laugh," or "I'm so glad we're new friends now. I feel like I've made a new friend." Whatever it is, you strengthen and deepen the connection with people by letting them know later, "Hey, I heard you. Hey, I listened to you." So not only doing great in their presence, but later confirming for them, "I was with you. I heard you. I enjoyed it. I want to acknowledge you." Man, have you deepened the fact that you've listened to them. So today was about tactical stuff. I know it wasn't the most motivational thing in the world, but I feel like this is another thing in your toolbag that'll help you live blissfully, to achieve your dreams, to be more fulfilled. And it's something that we overestimate when we think we're good at it.

• 25:24Ed Mylett?

  When you hear it sort of laid out like this, you think, "Man, I could be a better listener. There are tactical things I could do better." Hope today helped you out. This episode is sponsored by Ro. A lot of people assume GLP-1's cost a fortune, and that assumption keeps them from even looking into treatment. Ro helps people find a more affordable path to FDA-approved GLP-1 treatment. Ro wants to help people lose weight. That's why they have more affordable GLP-1 options, whether you're paying with insurance or cash. Ro's free insurance checker makes it easy to see if you're covered for GLP-1 injections. Just submit your insurance card and Ro handles the rest. No paperwork, no waiting on hold, no confusing phone calls. And if insurance doesn't cover treatment, there are still options. Ro offers the lowest-cost, cash-pay FDA-approved GLP-1s,

• 26:09Ed Mylett?

  such as daily pills and multi-dose pens. I use products by Ro, and you should too. Go to ro.co/mylet to see if you qualify. That's R-O dot C-O slash my let to get started on Ro. For side effects of GLP-1 medications, including boxed warning, go to ro.co forward slash safety. R-O dot C-O slash safety. So when I end, when I ended up buying the island, we had to do all of our outdoor decorating, and I spent a fortune in the first half of the place. And I'm like, I don't want to do this anymore, but I want the best stuff. And that's where Wayfair came in. My wife wanted to get this new garden bed, and Wayfair was the place that offered the perfect solution. Wayfair also helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value, and trusted reviews. Wayfair verified products are hand-vetted by product specialists.

• 26:54Ed Mylett?

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• 27:35Ed Mylett?

  Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Be sure to follow The Ed Mylett Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. Chris Voss. So Chris, welcome to the show finally.

• 27:49Speaker 02

  Thanks, Ed. Thanks for having me on. Appreciate it.

• 27:51Ed Mylett?

  And this is where I want to pull apart. So everybody, forget negotiation. This is just life skills right here. And I think I have been by and large terrible at this most of my life, what I'm about to ask you about. And I think I'm an assertive number one, probably. And although I don't have a lot of abilities, I really don't. One of them is the ability to speak and to communicate. And I think oftentimes I rely on that. As opposed to what I've really worked on the last decade is my listening skills. And I have found like I'll do a retreat with a bunch of people that'll come in, for example, for business, right? And I'll talk for three days, give them the best information, engage them, train them up, motivate them, inspire them. And they leave and I think they think it's good. This is back in the day.

• 28:36Ed Mylett?

  And then another buddy of mine would come in, he's not even really that prepared. They sit around and BS for three days and they ask them a bunch of questions. They all talk. And they leave and it gets back to me that was the greatest retreat they've ever been to in their lives. And it felt to me like it's probably because they were listened to more. So it's just a concept. As a negotiator, as a communicator, as a man, as a human, how important is active listening and listening in general? To persuasion and connection with people. Cause I think it's a lost art.

• 29:05Speaker 02

  It's an advanced skill. And in many cases, like isn't assertive, and you sound very much like an assertive, your description for a variety of reasons. Assertives are time is money people. And so if you're given instructions like I'm gonna jam, you know, time is money, every moment, no moment can be wasted. I'm gonna download as much value as I possibly can. And I'm not gonna waste a moment not giving these people value for each and every minute they're here. And so that becomes a bit of a deluge to start with. And it's hard to keep up with. It's, it's, everybody on my team, we got that problem in our instruction. We're so wanna give you nothing but valuable content.

• 29:49Speaker 02

  And so then listening, like the tiniest little things. How much time do you have for somebody's not listening to you? Like zero.

• 30:00Speaker 02

  And you're gonna notice it right away. And so in these tiny moments, being listened to actually increases analysis on both sides. It gives people an opportunity to do a little bit more processing. And so there's a, there's a whole variety of subtle nuances, invisible nuances. That affect the proactive, not just active proactive listening starts to kick into gear. And so I'll get, it seems less efficient. And then suddenly you're in a, you've accelerated 15 steps. You don't even know how it happened.

• 30:38Speaker 02

  And that's the, you know, and to me, and it's one of the, I, I possess that's the magic. I know the magic's coming. But just these subtle little tweaks. So.

• 30:49Ed Mylett?

  What are a couple of tweaks you use? What do you, there's some active listening skills you'll use to let someone know you are, right? So it's one thing to be listening. It's another thing for them to get the message and feeling that you're listening as well. Right?

• 31:02Speaker 02

  Well, the, the, the secret easiest one, simplest is the mirror. Repeating the last one to three words of what somebody has just said.

• 31:12Speaker 02

  And this is the best one to open up your teenager. Like there have been so many moms who suddenly opened up their daughters. Because, you know, a kid comes home from school. How was your day? Fine. What'd you do? I don't remember.

• 31:29Speaker 02

  You didn't indicate to them that you even listened to the answer to the first question. So you say, how was your day? They go, fine. The parent's response should be, fine?

• 31:41Speaker 02

  Which is, I, even though you only gave me one word, I just proved that I listened to. Now that tiny moment tends to open people up very quickly. Because normally you got a list of questions. And you're checking them off the list. Mom, dad, I'm gonna say, how was your day? What did you do? Boom, boom. I, you know, you feel like your intention to do a job as a parent to display interest is there. Yes, it is. But your method was poor. Because by following up immediately with your next question. You made them think you weren't listening to the first answer.

• 32:23Speaker 02

  And so the the mirror is like the first way to get your foot in the door to open a communication up.

• 32:30Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, this is why you should be following Chris's work, why you should bring him in to speak, why you should get never split the difference. That alone is simple and I don't do it. I don't do it. Here's what I do do. That's I just learned from you recently. Um, I was in, I am in the middle of a rather intense negotiation on something right now. And I allowed it to escalate to where it got heated. And the advantage to that, though, is I got to use one of your techniques and I I want everyone to have you elaborate on this because I think the foundation of what I've learned is just allowing someone to feel heard or be heard is so critical. We'll talk about that in the negotiations hostage wise next, but I want to ask you this.

• 33:11Ed Mylett?

  So anyway, it got elevated. This was just like a week ago, even though I learned this from you a little while ago. And the guy said something to me about what he wouldn't do and then sort of a statement about me. That wasn't flattering.

• 33:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:26Ed Mylett?

  And the normal me would have been just to annihilate him, right verbally, which would have made me feel good in the moment and gotten us further away. And I not kidding you, I was sitting about thirty feet from where I am right now. And I knew I was having you on the show in a few weeks. And so I was even more familiar through work and I actually said to him, I said, I I won't say his name. I said to him, I said, listen, you must have a great reason for feeling that way and saying that. What is it? And he just opened up. And it allowed him to talk and basically what it did is it bought me time to think about other things, but it also I got so much more information in the next seven minutes from him than I'd gotten in three two hour full sessions previously.

• 34:11Ed Mylett?

  And we connected pretty deeply during that moment. So can you talk about the question to ask when someone says that to you? I probably phrased it wrong and why it matters so much?

• 34:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, that is like the universal magic label. Like no matter, somebody's arguing with you, somebody's agreeing with you. Like there's never going to be an instance when you can't say, you know, you said you must have a great reason for saying that, you know, a version of that is it it seems like you have a reason for saying that. Seems like you have a reason for doing it. Like somebody just calls you the worst name they could possibly call you. Seems like you got a great reason for saying, and they open up. Somebody completely agrees with what you just said. Seems like you got a reason, a great reason for saying, and they open up like that is like if I, if I could, if I could teach people just that one label and say, here's what I want you to do for the rest of today. Nothing,

• 35:05Speaker 02

  nothing else comes out of your mouth. Just today, just today. It seems like you got reason, a great reason for saying that. You start that tomorrow morning for saying, at the end of the day, you gotta say it 15 times. Post on my Instagram, what happened?

• 35:23Speaker 02

  At the FBI negotiate. Tell me what kind of day you had. I guarantee you, you're gonna have a cooler day than you ever could have imagined. And what, first of all, well done. And that's a great example. Like, and it, and it bought you time. Yep. You know, and it stopped you from, uh, you know, counter launching your nuclear missiles, mutually assured destruction, right?

• 35:46Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, you're right.

• 35:47Speaker 02

  Americans.

• 35:48Ed Mylett?

  Can I tell you the other thing it did? It not only connected us, I'm working on some content I'm creating right now, that I just stumbled into in my life, the last five years, where I talk about changing the lens in your life, when you're engaging with people, of switching it, because you, we all see them and our relationship with them through our lens, our filter, our lens. And so I'm creating work right now that talks about creating an ability just to be a better human about, switch the lens and have your mom, see you through how your mom sees you. You know, how does she react to the last, and change the lens is the bottom line. And what it actually did in that moment for me, so so angry, is it changed the lens, and I actually saw me from him. And when I started to see what he sees in me, it helped

• 36:32Ed Mylett?

  me better understand his position, but also how to respond and react and connect with him. The topic of today's podcast, we're gonna call Flip the Lens. And I've been waiting a while to put this on the podcast, because I've been writing about it. It'll be in my next book. But now I feel like I'm able to articulate the concept. And so I wanted to put it out to all of you, in an effort to maybe help you with your personal and your business relationships. I think it's sort of, at least for me, it's been groundbreaking, understanding and work. And so first, let me tell you how I stumbled upon this level of understanding and this work, the concept. First, I think it'll make sense for you. And then we'll break it out and sort of extrapolate it into our personal and business relationships. So maybe about a year ago, I was at my mom's house, I was visiting.

• 37:15Ed Mylett?

  And just for a quick second, I was gonna make an Instagram post. So I went to take a selfie picture and I held the camera out. And I went to take the picture, except when I held it up, I don't know if you had this happen, the lens was the other lens, the lens had flipped. And the picture wasn't facing me, it was my mom. And I caught this glimpse just of my mom in the other end of my phone, just for a second. I was expecting to see me, but I didn't. I saw her. And I saw my mom. And it just struck me looking at my mom through this lens. When I was expecting to see it through the lens that would see me, I just had this flash of seeing my mom differently. And ironically,

• 37:58Ed Mylett?

  seeing my mom see me, if that makes sense, because she was watching me take this picture. And it flipped the lens, it switched the lens for me. Instantly, to where, let me explain, I saw my mom seeing me. Not me seeing my mom. And in a minute, I was just flooded with all these thoughts, what does my mom see of me? Now, obviously, I'm her only son, she loves me, I'm not referring to those kind of things. What's the lens through which my mom has experienced me?

• 38:31Ed Mylett?

  And I thought, does she, you know, obviously, she sees me at holidays or whatever, you know, and, and we talk on the phone. But her lens of life looking at me, and it dawned on me, in life, we see every relationship we're in through our lens. Through how we see them and how we see them seeing us. I don't want to get too deep here, but that's completely different than seeing them as they see us. And I thought, what's my mom's experience with her only son? Does she get the time with them that she wants? Is the depth of our conversations to the extent that she would like them to be? Am I in a hurry too often when I see her? Do I take it for granted too often?

• 39:11Ed Mylett?

  And then that day, as I was driving away, I started to picture all the relationships in my life that meant something to me through their lens of looking at me. The last time my daughter saw me walk in a room, the last hundred times. How did I respond? What did she see? What was my mood? What were our interactions? What were the topics? How much was laughter? How much was intense? How much was just looking at our phones? And I started to see my daughter and the lens through which she sees me. Her conversations, her experiences, does she see me stressed, worried? Does she worry about me? What are her thoughts about me? Am I too brief? Do I stay on the phone too long? Am I helping her? Do I listen to her like I need to? And it flashed to several of my friends. And a lot of those friendships, I thought, well, they're they're just in maintenance mode.

• 39:56Ed Mylett?

  I see them and when I see them, I see how much I love them and believe in them and think they're awesome and funny. But when they look through their lens at me, do they see a man who loves them, who believes in them? Who thinks they're funny? Who listens deeply? Who cares about them deeply? Do they see that through their lens? It's a trip. When you begin to see other people in your life and just you consciously, when you're with them or you think about them, switch that lens around and look through their eyes at you. You learn a lot real quickly. It's actually very humbling. And it's interesting that you could go your entire life, if you didn't hear this or think about it, only seeing life through the lens of your own eyes outward

• 40:39Ed Mylett?

  and never flipping it to their eyes outward. And I just thought about so many different relationships in my life, so many of them that I think are going very well, or I'm going to get around to it, or I feel a sense of emotion with this person or depth of friendship. And then I flashed to one buddy of mine and like, wow, the last three times he's replied to me, he called me, I replied with a text. He hasn't even seen me in many months. And when he does see me, what did he see in those conversations? What did he hear about? What did he feel? What did he experience? And you know, as I've said many times, you're always making people feel something. So you should be intentional about what it is they're feeling. But they're also seeing and hearing things all the time as well.

• 41:23Ed Mylett?

  It's a very interesting way that we go through this life, almost in this projection, almost in this dimension that we live inside ourselves and we see everything from our perspective.

• 41:34Ed Mylett?

  But we almost never stop and see it from theirs. And this isn't the old adage of put yourself in their shoes. I'm saying, put yourself in their lens. What do they see, feel, hear, and experience from you? It'll shock you. How much you overestimate some relationships. The depth of them. And the extent to which they feel the things you assume they feel from you or about you. And then I switched it from that to my business relationships. Some of the people I'm in business with. That I have in maintenance mode, you know exactly what I mean. But the last 20 times my assistant saw me walk into the office. What did she see? Did I stop and talk? What was her lens? Did I ask about her children?

• 42:17Ed Mylett?

  Was there a depth of exchange there? Was I in a hurry? Did she see me stressed? Did she see me worried?

• 42:23Ed Mylett?

  Was I caring and kind? Or was I rude and flippant or short? And then I thought, now take that last one and the one before that and the one before that. And what about the last 30? What's the lens that she sees me through? People that I'm in negotiations with now, I stop and think, what's their lens? What are they seeing? What are they feeling? What are they experiencing? Before this conversation and after. And it's absolutely changed the way that I interact with people. It's made me connect more deeply. It's made me care more deeply. It's made me more conscious and intentional about my interactions with people. And can't frankly, in many senses, somewhat ashamed of how maintenance mode so many relationships have been in.

• 43:08Ed Mylett?

  How passive I've been, the lack of depth, the surface level conversations. How I'm brief with certain people, how certain people have seen me in stress the last four times they've seen me.

• 43:21Ed Mylett?

  And it changes you deeply. It certainly has changed the way that I look at my relationship with my mom, probably most. You know, I'm her son, so she loves me, but you know, do we have conversations as friends? Do I know her as an individual outside the family? Or do I just know her as mom? How would I caught my mom saying to me the last three or four times we talked, thank you for calling me. And I thought, my mom shouldn't have to thank me for calling her. I didn't feel right about that. Take your family, the people that are most important to you. Just for a second, even close your eyes and switch it. What's their lens seeing? What are they feeling? Not just the last conversation, the last 10,

• 44:07Ed Mylett?

  the last 30, the last 50. How about your friends? What's the lens that they see you through? How do they see you? Right? How do they see you? Not how you see them, not how you would like them to see you or feel about you, or you assume they do. Stop and look at the camera through which they've been observing you for however how long.

• 44:31Ed Mylett?

  Then go to business just for a second. The people that you work with or you're negotiating with, clients of yours. This is huge for those of you that are in sales, which almost every business in the world is sales of some type. What's the lens? I'll give you an example. There's, I'm sitting in this barn that I'm restoring here on my property. And right outside the door here every day, there's a group of men that are doing masonry work. They're great guys. And they've been here for quite a while. They had to do a wall back here. They're doing different walls. It's hand laid stone there. If you're looking at this video, if you have video, they did this fireplace right here, which is just, it's huge. That doesn't even show most of it. But anyway, they're, they're craftsmen.

• 45:12Ed Mylett?

  And every time I come down here, hey, guys, how you doing? What's going on? We'll talk about the Red Sox or whatever. And then I thought about their lens just for a second the other day, because I'm working on this. And as I was driving down here, I'm like, you know, I assume they know I think they do great work, but then I thought about their lens. I've walked by their work like 10 times in a row and not complimented them once, not thanked them one time. You know, I've said hello, we've engaged, we've talked about sports. They've asked me about my show and how I became, you know, whatever, a speaker and well-known, how to get, you know, whatever I've got. But I've walked by their work at least 10 times. So they've watched this man who they're doing work for walk right by their work 10 times in a row or more,

• 45:54Ed Mylett?

  and never acknowledge it, never thank them for it, never tell them it was good work, never give them feedback on how to fix it. I just walked by, this is their craft. This is what they do with their lives. This is obviously one of the most important things they have. I've been seeing it through my lens. I like the work. I like them. Hello, blah, blah, blah. But when I switched it and saw it through their lens, I was embarrassed. But they've watched someone walk right by their work, whom obviously they take pride in and would probably like to impress and probably would love to be told some feedback about it. And so it changes everything when you use this concept and I want you to begin to use it. And then flip it all the way over to how strangers see you. Or when you meet someone new, hi, I'm Ed Mylader. Hi, I'm Sarah.

• 46:40Ed Mylett?

  Whatever the interactions when you meet people, what are they seeing? Not what do you see? What are they saying? Here's the other cool thing about it. It calms you down. There's not a lot of pressure on you to say or do all the right things. You're actually an observer of your life now. You're observing not just from your perspective, though. The other thing I've found is my depth of connection with people that I otherwise may not connect with, that may disagree with me about economics or politics or whatever. I see them differently because I'm seeing me through them, not just how I look at them individually. So I hope you can take this concept and really extrapolate it. You'll be you'll be much more conscious of how you're making people feel. You'll also be much more conscious of other people's feelings.

• 47:24Ed Mylett?

  You're going to be a far better persuader. You're going to be far better at marketing. Take marketing for a minute. What if you just flip the switch right now, all of you in marketing, whether it's internet marketing or in-person marketing or print marketing? And right now you switch the lens and ask yourself, what are they seeing from me? What's their lens of my email of my funnel or whatever it might be? Ask yourself that. If you make content online and you're doing any type of branding, switch the lens, not from like looking at your video, like what do you see? Do you like your video? But what do they see? What do they feel? What are they experiencing? What are their opinions about you? Your trustworthiness level, your credibility level, your knowledge level, right? Your entertainment level, your connection to them.

• 48:09Ed Mylett?

  And not enough people, most people just push content out through their own lens, through their own camera, through what they see, not ever really thinking about what the person is experiencing from their perspective when they interact with you. So I know this is. Really kind of a new thing for most people. And you gotta be careful because it's so fascinating that if you're not careful, everybody you see, you're actually doing this with. But I'm telling you, you're gonna begin to sense that you're much more connected to people instantly. You're gonna evaluate some relationships immediately and you go, my gosh, that's not the lens I want them to see. I I notice just with my kids, I'm like, I think they just see me stressed out too much. You know, I I assume they know I'm strong and that I'm fighting and that I'm focused, right? I'm a focused, intense dude.

• 48:52Ed Mylett?

  But their lens, it may be dad stressed, dad's worried, should I be worried about dad? Right? I don't see it through their lens. I see it through mine. They're seeing an intense, focused, driven dad. But maybe they've seen too much of that through their lens, the last five, 10, 20, 30 times they're with me. And maybe they worry about their dad. Maybe they'd like their dad to relax a little bit. They obviously know I've had some health challenges. I'm not even posting on social media. My travel schedule is down to 20% of what it used to be. So I I can't do what I was doing pace wise right now until I get a little healthier. So what's their lens? What do I want them to see and feel and experience? It will change everything. The biggest thing you're gonna notice is you have a dramatic misperception, overestimation

• 49:36Ed Mylett?

  of what they're seeing and feeling because you only see it through your lens. And by the way, your lens is affected every day by what you're going through. Your stress level, your worries, your concerns, your thoughts, your energy, your diet, your nutrition, your sleep. Right? Your hydration. All of it affects the lens you see things through. There could be the same exact situation that you see very differently, two different days. One day you're in a peak state, focused, things are going good, you've got momentum in your flow, you're in the zone. You see something through that lens. Six weeks later, the exact same event could happen and you're tired, frustrated, angry, worried, dealing with a mountain of problems. And that impacts your lens. And the biggest thing overall that you're gonna figure out when you begin to do this

• 50:20Ed Mylett?

  is that perception is reality. And whatever lens it is they're seeing things through is true to them. And the one you see it through for you probably isn't true for them. It's just true for you. Based on the filter of your life that day. And so all of this stuff with these lenses is filtered through current experience. It's also filtered through repetition. If the last time I saw you, you walked right by me and were dismissive of me. I'm less apt to connect with you the next time you try. If the last time you were there to persuade and sell me, I felt pushed and pressured. The next time you walk in for the come, the follow-up visit.

• 51:02Ed Mylett?

  I'm much more on guard and skeptical and you have a much bigger hurdle to get through to earn my trust back. Than you did after the first time or before the first time. So this is a really healthy tool for you. It's going to change almost everything in your life. I've been really excited. I've been writing about it. And it's altered every relationship I've got. And it's even altered like. How I interact with a flight attendant on an airplane or a server in a restaurant. I've always really thought I was good at this. I'm, I'm serious. And maybe I have been better than most at it. I'm not really good at that many things, but I do think I make a pretty good connection when I meet people. I don't have lots of talents or skills, but one of them's been that. But even at that, I think I overestimated it. Until I started this.

• 51:46Ed Mylett?

  And then I thought, wow. This isn't exactly the way I thought it was. If I were them, I would see X, Y, or Z. And so really spend some time in contemplation about this. You don't have to be with that person to do it. Just evaluate these relationships, your children, your parents, your siblings. What type of a brother or sister are you? The main things with family. Is we really take them for granted. We really just assume, well, they're my family. I see them at Christmas. I see them at holidays, you know. We're good. We'll get around to really being good. The truth is that's not fair. Just because there's the same blood running through your veins doesn't mean that they don't deserve the same level of effort. Communication, repetition. Caring that you give other people. Oftentimes, these are the people that get cheated the most because we.

• 52:31Ed Mylett?

  Feel like we've got extra deposits in the bank simply because we're family and we don't even give them the same level of attention, concern, caring, grace. That we might extend to a stranger. Or someone we're trying to do business with. And so it'll affect you. You know, one thing I want to add about this too, is that you need to use this with the right intention. You know, the wrong person grabs a hold of work like this and they begin to use it to manipulate or to do harm. Because now they're wearing a mask. This is, this needs to come from a place of true sincerity, like any work. It can be used for good or for ill. And, you know, a lot of people that frankly, take advantage of people are excellent at this already. They know exactly how to see it, but what they're doing is they're wearing a mask.

• 53:15Ed Mylett?

  They're wearing a mask that is persuasive and manipulative towards people. Now, I happen to believe that you can't transfer to somebody sincerely that which you're not really experiencing. And so usually intuition will tell you when someone's doing this. But I want to be really clear, you have to have great intent. If there's one thing I've talked the most about over the last two or three years that I learned from Wayne Dyer, it's the power of intention. And I think more than anything, you have to have an intention to serve, an intention to give, an intention to heal, an intention to be kind towards others. And if you don't, I think at some point, even you using this methodology and this technology that I'm talking about here.

• 53:56Ed Mylett?

  If you're using it to do harm, if you're doing it to persuade somebody to buy something they don't need or can't afford, or you're doing it to manipulate, I just want you to know that eventually that lens will come back to hurt you. And so please use this with the right intention. What I'm really doing right now, I feel like is sharing with so many good people. The things that they should have known most of their lives, that sometimes the most manipulative people understand. I'm talking about coming from a very sincere place of really, I believe it's true love, true kindness, true humility.

• 54:35Ed Mylett?

  Is to see less of yourself and more of them. You know, there's two types of people in life that would use what I'm talking about. There's a type of person that walks in a room and says, here I am.

• 54:46Ed Mylett?

  And then there's the type of person who walks in and says, there you are, there you are. I want to be a there you are person. And so if you're a here I am, now you're beginning to use that lens to get people to notice you and see you and acknowledge you and do things for you that you want them to do. But the right person takes this and says, there you are. And that that person from their lens feels seen, feels heard, feels loved, cared about, valued. That's the most powerful thing about this. That's the most important thing. So many people through their lens feel invisible, feel like nobody sees them, feels like they're just a pawn

• 55:30Ed Mylett?

  in the game, that they're not valued, that they're not worth something, that they don't count. And the most important thing you can do when someone's looking at you through their lens is they feel sincerely, I'm cared about, I matter, I'm important, I'm valuable. That matters to people. I have value. I have value. I'm not invisible. I'm not worthless. I'm not small. And when you begin to do this the right way, man, are you spreading something powerful in the world for good? You become a tremendous force for good. I have to tell you,

• 56:11Ed Mylett?

  in all of the work I do, the one thing I sense more than ever in this culture of wherever we are now, celebrity idolization at its highest, is that so many people don't feel seen, valued, important, never mind loved, just acknowledged. I see you. There you are, not here I am. Probably the most important thing I could tell you about using this work here. In almost all of our relationships in our lives, we see everything through our own lens and not the lens of the other person. And when you begin to switch that perspective and just think just for a second about what it is they are seeing in their lives, it will awaken you. And in some cases,

• 56:52Ed Mylett?

  it's a rude awakening. Because let me tell you something, most people feel invisible. They don't feel worthy. They don't feel important. They don't feel valued, never mind loved in many cases. And when you're interacting with clients, the most important thing you can do is see that interaction, that coaching call, that sales call through their lens. It will be the most incredible awakening. It also is the best way for you to be able to spread kindness, love, value, worth to other people. And I have to tell you that if you begin this week to see every conversation through the lens of the other person, your whole world would change. It'll also help you spread more of the things in life that you would like to spread. I promise you, it will change things for you. So this week, you got a call today?

• 57:37Ed Mylett?

  Before you get on that call, see that call through their lens. If you've had one with them already, what did they actually see and feel last time? Do they feel seen, valued, believed in? If you're supposed to be giving them growth items, are they growing? Do they feel growth? Do they feel cared for? Do they feel like they're getting overwhelmed with value compared to what you charged them? Do they feel like they're winning this with you? If you don't have that going this week, if you've got a sales call, when you're communicating with them throughout that call, switch the lens and see what they're feeling, hearing, and seeing from you. It'll cause you to make the right adjustments on the fly. If you've got calls on the phone, Zoom calls, begin to feel and see things through their lens. You are hyper addicted, I promise you, to your own lens.

• 58:22Ed Mylett?

  Hyper addicted to your own lens. Completely addicted to seeing things through your lens, your view, your filter, your emotions, your worries, and your thoughts. And that guides everything you do, which is why your influence is limited. But if you begin to see things the way I'm referring to them, your influence will expand dramatically. The way you communicate with people, what they feel. And by the way, if you're in sales, do they trust you? Right? Do they think you're competent and do they trust you? They're asking themselves all the time, can I trust this person? Do they care about me and can they help me? That's what they're asking themselves all the time. And if you're just talking from your lens, typically what you're doing is just trying to show them that you can help them.

• 59:04Ed Mylett?

  And there's not enough coming from you that sees them, that feels them, that listens to them through their lens where they say, I can trust this person. They can help me. They care about me. These are the three questions they're asking themselves all the time. I promise you that if you see it through their lens, and by the way, you can do this with your children this week. What lens have they seen you through this morning, the last week, the last 10 times they've seen you? Your siblings. I had to evaluate a lot of this. And in my own case, my own siblings, I'm in too much maintenance mode with them. They're not getting a depth of relationship with me that they deserve because they're my siblings. I just take it for granted. They take it for granted. Well, they're my sisters. I'm their brother. Like, we're good for life, right? We don't have to work on this stuff. Yes, you do.

• 59:47Ed Mylett?

  And so I've taken that for granted because they're my family. Somehow family in our lives, like, wow, they, they're family. Like, I don't have to really work hard at that relationship. You don't have to. Yes, you do. And if you don't wake up, you know, you'll end up much older and just have a maintenance mode with your siblings. Which sucks. It's not what you want. You want a depth of relationship. I want them to feel loved, believed in, valued, cared for, important, smart, somebody that I need in my life. And so I would challenge you to do that with your clients, with your family. You'll have a much better week, a much more productive week, and you'll be 10 times, 100 times

• 1:00:29Ed Mylett?

  more influential as a result. I can tell you that your sales, persuasion, marketing, connection with the marketplace, branding, social media, any of that stuff will be infinitely better if you begin to see the world through their lens, not yours. It's gonna be really powerful for you. So I hope that helped you today. It certainly has helped me. And I just challenge you, I'm doing it right now with you. I'm doing it right now with you with the content I'm creating. I begin to think even more deeply through what you see, feel, and experience. Because I know how I feel about you. I know how I feel about the work I want to do. I know how much I want to give. I know my heart to serve. I also know that you need to feel that

• 1:01:12Ed Mylett?

  and experience that if I'm gonna have the impact on you that I want to. And oftentimes, I think I take for granted that people just know that. What if you're brand new to my video? What if this is the first one you've seen? And so it's altered a little bit the way I communicate my message, and I think it will with you, with others as well. So you know those pieces in your closet that you find yourself wearing like on repeat all the time? That sweater that kind of just goes with everything? Or these perfect pair of pants? Those are the pieces that make getting dressed easy. And that's what Quince does best. Quince focuses on high quality wardrobe staples with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton. The styles are timeless, versatile, and designed to become the dependable pieces you reach for every day. It's what I'm wearing right now. They give you the softness and quality you'd expect from a luxury brand without the price tag.

• 1:01:57Ed Mylett?

  Quince also makes premium pants, fitted tees and polos, and breathable activewear. Quality basics designed to work with your wardrobe and hold up to everyday wear. I love their cotton tees. I'm wearing one now and I get a ton of compliments when I wear them on the podcast and when I speak. So find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com/ed for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q U I N C E dot com slash ed. So you know, I've been trying to take my health and my morning routine to the next level. And I used to do a whole bunch of different stuff, tons of different supplements. And then I found all in one in a drink with IM8.

• 1:02:39Ed Mylett?

  IM8 is the way to simplify your supplement routine, finally, once and for all. 16 supplements replaced 90 ingredients across nine major organ systems in one drink. You can have all these supplements for $2.61 a day. I've changed my mornings. The whole IM8 routine has changed my mornings. I feel great and I bring energy to the entire day. Go to im8health.com/ed10 right now or click the link in the description and use code ED10 for a free welcome kit, five free travel sachets, plus 10% off your order. That's code ED10 at im8health.com/ed10. Code ED10 at im8health.com/ed10.

• 1:03:23Ed Mylett?

  These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

• 1:03:30Speaker 02

  Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Be sure to follow The Ed Mylett Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest.

• 1:03:41Ed Mylett?

  Chuck Weisner, Chuck, welcome to the show.

• 1:03:43Chuck Wisner?

  Thanks for having me. It's a pleasure to be here.

• 1:03:46Ed Mylett?

  So talk a little bit about in ourselves evaluating our triggers when we're listening to somebody.

• 1:03:50Chuck Wisner?

  The storytelling conversation is the first one for a very good reason. Because unless we begin to understand the stories we tell ourselves, right?

• 1:04:02Chuck Wisner?

  Some help us, some harm us, right? But until we understand our storytelling patterns, and I use patterns in a very particular way because it's less, it takes sting out of judgment. The patterns we have around stories and patterns we have around how we get triggered, the patterns we have around reacting to people. We didn't even choose them. They're unconscious patterns by our family, by our culture, by our teachers, by our friends, or just our social stuff. So we have patterns, right? So we can start looking at the story I'm telling as a pattern. I can then look at myself with less judgment.

• 1:04:42Chuck Wisner?

  And in a way, what your friend did was he was able to reveal his story

• 1:04:50Chuck Wisner?

  about his childhood, right? And, and that, there's a couple of things happening. He's revealing, he's opening his hand. I'm concerned because I know what it's like to be on the other side. I have, my standards say that, you know, we can afford to help take care of some of these people because they do need it. And, you know, so, so he revealing his hand, and also it begins to show some vulnerability. And so if I show some vulnerability, the other person, or in your case with that conversation, as your friend shared his story, that vulnerability changes the other person, that reduces that tension.

• 1:05:30Ed Mylett?

  All conversations where there's tension, there's somehow involved in that is a judgment of the other person. What does one do? Cause it's hard. You're like, this guy's crazy. He's out of his mind. What a bozo. You know, like it's, it's very difficult to do. He really believes this crap? You catch yourself. Mid-sentence, already raising your hand going, this dude is, I gotta, let me fix this guy. Right? Let me fix this. So, what do you do when you're starting to feel this judgment? Or a, because, you know, maybe the guy is crazy, right? Like, I, it, but what I've found out in my life is like, you're not going to change that person by attacking them. You're not going to change that person by somehow being more authoritative than them, which we'll talk about in a minute in business about the power dynamic.

• 1:06:14Chuck Wisner?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:15Ed Mylett?

  But what, what is a practice that I can do when I'm in mid-judgment almost of somebody going, what in the world are you talking about? Is there something you do? What's, what's a technique or a thought?

• 1:06:26Chuck Wisner?

  One technique I like, and it's a sort of a metaphor of if, if something's coming at you and you really dislike what's going on, your automatic pattern, right? Is to react.

• 1:06:37Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 1:06:37Chuck Wisner?

  Right? Because, because it goes into your system, goes through your, your brain and it, and the pattern pops out. Very little effort on your part.

• 1:06:48Ed Mylett?

  That's right. That's right. It's triggered.

• 1:06:49Chuck Wisner?

  So, the idea is to begin to name your pattern.

• 1:06:55Chuck Wisner?

  So, if you have a pattern of where a certain person, kind of person, or a certain kind of conversation, whether it's politics or sex or abortion, that is a trigger for you. Just be totally aware of that pattern and name it. In fact, there's, there's a thing called voice dialogue where you can actually name that voice in your head. Like, there's, um, there's snobby Chuck, or there's intellectual Chuck, or there's hurt little boy Chuck. You know, you can sort of name it, and if you can name the patterns and become familiar with it.

• 1:07:29Ed Mylett?

  Very good.

• 1:07:29Chuck Wisner?

  Then you might be able to catch it before it enters your body.

• 1:07:33Ed Mylett?

  It loses its power over you when you become aware of it and name it. Yeah.

• 1:07:36Chuck Wisner?

  Yeah. And then you can catch it. And then, if you catch it, then literally in the book, the four questions that I, that peppers through the book.

• 1:07:46Ed Mylett?

  Yep.

• 1:07:47Chuck Wisner?

  Just ask yourself, is there a power issue here? If I have a strong judgment, what standard is based, am I basing that on?

• 1:07:56Chuck Wisner?

  I mean, standards are in every judgment we have.

• 1:07:59Ed Mylett?

  Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Be sure to follow The Ed Mylett Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. John Maxwell, welcome back to the show, brother. You do something you talk about in the book. We might as well just start there. You have the ability to take really complicated things and make them seem simple.

• 1:08:20John Maxwell?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:21Ed Mylett?

  And you talk about that as actually one of the laws in the book of being able to be a great communicator. Is that something that you do? I'm sure you do it intentionally, but do you do it naturally?

• 1:08:31John Maxwell?

  Well, I do it intentionally. Let me say this. I was a good student, but I wasn't a great student. And so a lot of times when I was in college or in a classroom, I would want the professor to break it down and make it much more simple. I would look around the room. I said, "Am I the only one that's having a hard time here? And not maybe grasping and learning like I need to?" And so really, as a student, I worked on helping. When I would hear a talk, I would say, "How could that be reduced so I can apply it to my life?"

• 1:09:04Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:04John Maxwell?

  And so it almost started as a student. And I learned to reduce things and bring them down. And I tell people all the time, "I'm a communicator, not an educator." You know, an educator takes something simple and makes it complicated. I mean, that's just who they are. I mean, honestly, if you're in the education world, if you're not confused, they're not pleased. You know what I'm saying? And then, but then a communicator takes something complicated, makes it simple. And so my whole goal is to make things very palatable for people. One of the things I teach in the book is the fact that if you have to keep explaining what you just said, you haven't said it right the first time. I mean, and how many times we have a person explain and explain?

• 1:09:46John Maxwell?

  I just sit there and think, "Why didn't you take some time on the front end to simplify this so that everybody can apply it to their life?" And there are three, real quickly, there are three kind of, I take the simplistic. I start with simplistic. And simplistic is not good. It's fast and it's easy, but it's not really...

• 1:10:12John Maxwell?

  Deep and helpful. And, and, and it's a, it's a half-truth, it's never a whole truth. You know, so if I say things like, um, experience is the best teacher, that's a simplistic statement. But it's not true. If it were true, then as people got older, everybody get better. And I know a whole bunch of people, they're getting, they're getting older, but they're not getting better. The experience isn't helping them at all. Although experience is not the best teacher. Reflection and learning from that experience is the best teacher.

• 1:10:39Ed Mylett?

  Wow.

• 1:10:40John Maxwell?

  So, so how do I get from experience is the best, best teacher? To reflection and learning from experience is the best teacher? Well, you've got to go from simplistic to complicated. Or complex. In other words, you've got to wrestle with the statements. And, and you've got, and you've got to contextually take them from every angle. Until you can come to something that is really solid and something that is really true and, and something that really works. And so, just as simplistic is easy and fast, you know, complex, complicated is, is slow and deep.

• 1:11:14Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 1:11:15John Maxwell?

  But, but once you come through that comp, and it takes a while to do that. Once you come through it, on the, on the simple side now, it, it, it's fast. But it's deep. In other words, people can grab it real quick, but then they go home and they think about it and and they just, they just can't, they can't, can't get away from it. Like when you wrote the book, when you book, when you wrote the book, The Power of One More. That is so simple.

• 1:11:43Ed Mylett?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:11:44John Maxwell?

  That you can grasp it immediately. But you can't, you have to spend a lot of time on it to work it out in your life.

• 1:11:52Ed Mylett?

  What a great point. Yeah, what a great point.

• 1:11:54John Maxwell?

  And, and so there, so here's the, here's the issue. I think in communication, uh, when I was young, when I was a young communicator, I, I saw that I had charisma. And I saw that I could probably get by onstage with the, with having fun with people and enjoying them and making them laugh. And I, I came to this decision, am I going to, am I going to wing it or am I going to work for it?

• 1:12:21Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 1:12:22John Maxwell?

  And I was tempted to wing it. Because I could wing it and I could get by with it. See, here's the challenge. When you're gifted in a certain area. You can wing it and still be successful.

• 1:12:32Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 1:12:33John Maxwell?

  You could be in that top 20%.

• 1:12:35Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 1:12:36John Maxwell?

  But it, but to work for it. That that's a whole different game. And and and in the law of simplicity, you have to work for this. You you have to work for work. Simple is hard work. But if you work for it, you can get in the top 2%.

• 1:12:53Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:53John Maxwell?

  And so what I tell people all the time is. The tendency and the temptation is in giftedness. Is you don't give it all because you just don't have to give it all. I mean, it's just it comes. But because you don't give it all. You you do well, but you don't do very, very well. But if you would just work on that. Area of giftedness. You'd get that top 2% and you know as well as I do. If you're in the top 2% whatever it is, you own whatever you want to own. It's it. The world is yours. And so simple. I decided at a very young age in my twenties, I was going to work for it. I'm just going to work for it. And I spent a lot of time I this morning I was I write every day. This morning I was writing. And I was wanting to make a a statement. And and I I worked on a statement probably for 40 minutes.

• 1:13:39John Maxwell?

  And it I I would write it and I said, that's not quite right. Got to work. No, no, it's not. Still fit. And then finally about 20 minutes, I thought, OK, I got it. That there it is, there it is. So I get up and I make the statement and people say, oh, my gosh, the guy just. That just flows out of him. No, no, it didn't flow out of me. It it didn't either. It had to cook and. Work it inside of me a long time and and but I get it to the place where it flows out of me. But it doesn't flow. Good stuff doesn't happen automatically.

• 1:14:09Ed Mylett?

  No. You know, when I when I tell people that I do that too, that are other speakers, I kind of watch oftentimes their face kind of glaze over like you really do that. I say I do because I do want to. I want to be as effective as I can. By the way, I should have started out by saying to everybody that you can go to 16lawsofcommunication.com. And that's with the one six in it 16lawsofcommunication.com. Get the book and I guess there's favorable pricing in there too. You can actually get it for less. So 16lawsofcommunication.com and you'll get it. Listen. I can just say this with all conviction in the world. The best books I've read collectively in my life are John's books. And the best speaker that I admire that I look up to is John. So when he writes a book on this topic. It is something that you need to have.

• 1:14:52Ed Mylett?

  And for the record, everybody, some of you are listening to going. I'm afraid to speak. I don't know that I should be one. And one of the brilliant things in the book. Is, and I'll have you talk about this, John, is that a great speaker, and I have found this, I think when I was young, when I would speak, if I'm being honest, part of it was about me. Probably a significant part, meaning I wanted to impress them, I wanted to wow them, you know, I wanted them to think I was great. And that did a few things, one, I made less of a connection. But two, it put tremendous pressure on me because it was about me. And a lot of you that are afraid of speaking, that would probably be great at it, it's because you're approaching it already from it being about you. And if you would just shift the impact to the service of others,

• 1:15:37Ed Mylett?

  your peace about even trying to do it would change. And you'd be a ten times better speaker. So that's one of the laws in the book too. So we might as well start there, because I think some people need to come into this tent of speaking, John. To the tent of communication, that thinks they don't belong in our tent. And they do belong in the tent. Their flawed thinking is they think it's about them, and that creates anxiety and fear, which is sort of ego driven, so talk about that for a second.

• 1:16:02John Maxwell?

  One hundred percent, my friend, one hundred percent. It's, it's the law of connecting. And the law of connecting just simply says, communicators know that it's all about others. It's, it's all about others. And I, I can identify exactly, when I started speaking, it was all about me. I mean, I, I hope they like me, I hope I say it right, did I say it right? Oh my gosh. And, and, and it became like a, I was a nervous bundle.

• 1:16:27Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 1:16:27John Maxwell?

  Because I was, I was, man, I, I hope I did okay. So when people say, John, what's the one thing? I mean, I know there are sixteen laws, but what's the one thing? To be a great communicator? Well, the, the one thing, Ed, is you have to get over yourself. You just have to get over yourself. It is not about me, it's about the audience. It's not about me, it's about the small group I'm dealing with. It's not about me, it's about the one person I'm talking, having a one-on-one conversation. It's all about them. And until I can get over myself, because if I can't, if it's about me, I can't, I can't really add value to you if I'm thinking about me. I'm not that good, I don't have the ability to think about me and think about you and be good on both ends.

• 1:17:10John Maxwell?

  I'm a little limited, maybe some, maybe some people can, but I can't. So if it's gonna be about you, I've gotta be thinking about you and it's, and I've gotta be focused on you. And very quickly, you'll realize, John. Really wants to help me and add value to me. I mean, it's contagious and it's that connection. So I tell people to get over themselves. And, and, and so what we did it when, when this book released, we did a video. And I told the people that were producing, I said, I want to start the video in the audience. I said, I want to, I want, I, I don't want the, you to shoot me on, on stage. And I was in the audience all by myself, sitting in a, in a, in a chair.

• 1:17:52John Maxwell?

  And, and, and they zoomed in on me and I said, this is where great speaking begins, right here. I have to constantly be thinking about the people. And, and, and how can I connect with them? What can I say? How can I help them? Where are they? You know, you have to find them before you can lead them. You, you just don't start leading people. You just don't start speaking. You have to find them. And soon as you find them, now all of a sudden you have the. So I, I, this whole get over myself, let me tell you a fun story. There's a, a, a company in Nashville that this, this guy has a very successful writing company. And he's read my books. He's, in fact, he came to me, I didn't know him. He said, I built my business off your stuff. And he said, you ought to write songs based on your books.

• 1:18:38John Maxwell?

  Well, I looked at him and said, man, I've never done that before, but you know me, I, I'm seventy six. But I, I keep growing, I keep learning, I keep, I mean, why not try this? So I went to Nashville and he put me in the studio with like the guys that wrote number one hits. I mean, big hits. They were, you know, I'm like, I, I always say, if you're at the head of the class, you're in the wrong class. Well, I shouldn't even have been in the class on this one. I mean, these, these guys were pros and, and I'm in there throwing it out. And, and so we took the book on, on the laws of communication. And I said, I would like to use the get over myself theme. And so we wrote a song called get over myself. And, and so if you're a listener, all I gotta do is go wherever you, you know, I don't know where you get your, your music. But wherever you get it, just, you know, get, get over myself.

• 1:19:23John Maxwell?

  And the chorus says, and the chorus says it all, is that I gotta find myself to know myself. I gotta know myself to be myself. I gotta be myself to improve myself. I gotta improve myself so I can get over myself. So I can give myself to you.

• 1:19:40Ed Mylett?

  Oh, wow. That's very good.

• 1:19:43John Maxwell?

  The song is going crazy. The song's going crazy. I got it. I got another one from my book, Make Today Count, called Day by Day. And I got my Sometimes Win, Sometimes You Learn book, or songs will come out next month. But I'm having a blast writing these songs. And of course, again, I'm the least of the least. And they're so kind to even let me in the studio with them, but I'm throwing this stuff up and we're just have, we're having a blast. But I, I, I tell you, the moment that you think about the audience, and, and I can hardly wait to speak. I'm not nervous at all. I can hardly wait to speak because I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna give them something that is gonna help their life. And that is so fulfilling and so enriching to me

• 1:20:26John Maxwell?

  that it gets me over anything that is about me.

• 1:20:30Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:31John Maxwell?

  It's all about.

• 1:20:32Ed Mylett?

  Are you getting ready to win a Grammy? This will be, you're gonna win a dang Grammy for your music now.

• 1:20:37John Maxwell?

  I totally think so. I have no idea, but I know I'm having fun. You know, again.

• 1:20:44Ed Mylett?

  I don't know if you all understand this. John's 76 years old. And I think you all go, hey, man, you, Ed, you work hard. They see my social media and my pace. And I am telling you, this is not, this is not, I'm not being nice. John is everywhere, all the time, crushing it. Crushing it. Yet, like, before we went on, he's telling me about golf that he just played. There's a way to have, I think one of the keys to longevity is that you do live a full, rich life, but you do bust your tail the entire time. John is, I've been with Johns, but I just got out from Europe. I'm going here. Now I'm in Tennessee. Oh, I gotta fly to California. My gosh, am I getting outworked by John? And by the way, you can tell his enthusiasm level is through the roof as well.

• 1:21:25Ed Mylett?

  I want to ask you this, though. Did you just say you're not nervous when you speak? Do you not get nerves at all anymore? No, no. Have you had, I think you tell a story, though, a time you did. I think you were going to Boston. I think it's going to Boston, maybe? Yeah, I, I, I study you. So you're going to Boston, as I think the story goes, you were replacing a speaker or something. But there's a great lesson in this story. Do you know the one I'm talking about?

• 1:21:49John Maxwell?

  Oh, yeah. You're talking about Peter Lowe when he had his seminars and, and, and he called me one day. And I, I was home and he said that, oh, gosh, I'm, the guy that was Superman in the movies.

• 1:22:05John Maxwell?

  Uh, yeah, uh, what's his name?

• 1:22:07Ed Mylett?

  Reeves.

• 1:22:08John Maxwell?

  Christopher Reeves.

• 1:22:09Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, Christopher Reeves.

• 1:22:10John Maxwell?

  Christopher Reeves. Okay. He was sick and he was the last speaker on the day and he said, "I, I, I can't speak today." And so Peter says, he called me in the morning and said, "John, can you get up to Boston and, and, and, fill in?" I said, "Well, yeah." So I jumped on a plane and I went up to Boston. And I got there just maybe 30 minutes before I was supposed to speak and so I'm kinda backstage there getting me all hooked up.

• 1:22:34Ed Mylett?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:22:35John Maxwell?

  And then I find out they haven't told the crowd. Hello? They haven't told the crowd and that Christopher Reeves is sick and isn't gonna be here. The crowd, they've been staying all day waiting for Superman to come and show. And, and, and, and I'm sat, and I'm backstage saying, "You haven't told them yet? What do you mean? What are you doing to me? They're looking for Superman. They're, they're not gonna get Superman. They're gonna get the Pillsbury Doughboy out there.

• 1:23:09John Maxwell?

  They're not getting, they're not getting Superman. They're getting Fat Man. What, I mean, what are you... I kid you not. They went out right before, I, I, now they're all, "Christopher Reeves, here, here he comes. Superman's about to come. Superman." And they're, "We're so sorry, you know, Christopher Reeves couldn't come today.

• 1:23:28John Maxwell?

  We have John Maxwell." Well...

• 1:23:33John Maxwell?

  300 people get up and walk out as I'm coming out on stage and they're already leaving. I mean, they're already leaving and then when they see me, another 200 people get up and they leave.

• 1:23:46John Maxwell?

  It's like, it's like horrible. And I, I, I looked at them and of course, all you could do is you just start laughing and say, you know, "I'm, I'm, I'm so sorry. You know what I'm saying?" Now, the good news is, once I started speaking, no one else laughed. But it's, it, yeah, I mean, hello. I mean, who's gonna, who's gonna replace Superman?

• 1:24:07Ed Mylett?

  Did you say something when you came out to grab their attention or to get them or to connect with them? Did you say something that saved them?

• 1:24:14John Maxwell?

  I said, "Guess what? I'm not Superman. I'm in trouble and you're gonna have to help me. But if you'll stay with me, I'm gonna, I'm gonna help you." And, and you know what I did? I got him on my side. Really what I did is I, what you, what you do in cases like, it's like the international audience, when I speak internationally, I ask them questions all the time. I'll say, "Now, I, I want to tell you a story, but d, d, does this happen in your, in your culture?" And, and sometimes they'll say, "Yes." And I'll say, "Okay, let me tell you." What happens is if you do that, you engage them and very quickly they become an ally and they, they get on your side and, and so they help. When they realized that I wasn't Superman, they said, "Well, Fat Man needs my help. I'm gonna hang out with him." And, and, and they did and, and, and so it came out okay.

• 1:24:59John Maxwell?

  But obviously, I was set up, I mean, I was set up for, there's, there's no good anything about, I mean, when I saw that all back, never in my life have I been more tempted to turn around. Oh, my gosh. I can't even imagine.

• 1:25:12Ed Mylett?

  Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Be sure to follow The Ed Mylett Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. Jason Wilson, thank you for being here.

• 1:25:25Jason Wilson?

  It's a pleasure. Thanks, I appreciate it.

• 1:25:27Ed Mylett?

  A lot of men are listening, it's going, I, they're getting emotional. Like you get this, the, the suicide thing was a tremendous stat you gave because like you, I get reached out and men, and I don't have any value to my family. You know, I don't, I, I'm amazed by how many men, not, just the number that take their lives, but actually contemplate it like you've shared. Like, I get, I get lots, I, I don't know the quantify the number, but lots of messages from men, particularly when they're failing financially. When men feel like they're failing financially, if you're with a man right now, if you're a woman and he's failing financially, I'm telling you so often, so much of his identity is worth is tied to earning and providing and winning. You be, you be very vigilant with that man. He is, and he is, he is not playing his cards on the table.

• 1:26:11Ed Mylett?

  He is probably not showing you, based on what Jason's talking about here, how he really feels. What would you say to the man, though, who says, "I do want to," because this is how we think. If I do that, I'm gonna lose something. So this is how men think. "Okay, this sounds good. I do want to be more present with my daughter. I, I, I probably would feel really good to cry when I need to. I'd like to laugh a little bit more and let my guard down and be who I really am." But then I'm gonna lose this other part of me. I'm gonna lose, see you have this great analogy of the lion and the lamb. I definitely need to have more lamb, but I'm afraid if I do that, I'm gonna lose all the lion. And men do think this, you know that. What would you, what would you say to a man who's saying, I'm afraid I'm gonna lose

• 1:26:55Ed Mylett?

  parts of me I do like if I become this new, this new version of me?

• 1:26:59Jason Wilson?

  I don't think it's parts of them that they're afraid of losing. It's the people, the success and you know, everything that comes with just being the man or being a certain type of man. Uh, what I had to come to grips with was that I, I, I wanna live from my heart, man. So a definition for a comprehensive man is a man who's courageous, but also compassionate, strong, but sensitive. A man who can boldly live from his heart instead of his fears. What do we do typically? We, when we meet someone, let me guard, cause I don't know if they're, they're really a good person and all these other things. So that hinders me from expressing the love I have, not just, not for them, but just in general in life, I care about people.

• 1:27:41Jason Wilson?

  So as men, we stay guarded and now we've shut off our hearts really, from really expressing the full essence of who we are. So if a person hurts you or take advantage of you, that was a blessing. Because now you don't have to waste time in that relationship anymore. You didn't lose anything, it was all gain. And when men, I talked to men, even the, those who are wealthy seem to struggle with it a lot more.

• 1:28:06Ed Mylett?

  Of course. You're reinforced, your identity's reinforced over and over again.

• 1:28:10Jason Wilson?

  And so I, I never forgot the time I was at a track, man, and a doctor recognized me and he says, man, uh, I think it was a doctor or lawyer, but anyway, he was professional, very successful. He wanted to take his life. And I said, why? He has a beautiful family. He said, I don't feel like I'm, I'm, I'm valuable. Yeah. I said, wow, and here's this guy's very successful. But what he's saying is that he's really not living from his longing. Yeah. He's living from what he's been programmed to believe a man is. But we're so much bigger, we're so much more than masculine. So when we're confined to just providing, getting the watches, the clothes, the cars, the houses.

• 1:28:52Jason Wilson?

  We know that's nothing after a while. Once you buy it, it's done in a few days. Yes. So who you really are is what matters the most. And so we were walking. He says his counselor told him or therapist, you know, what about, asked him, what about your family? What about, you know, your mom and your kids? And he was like, well, what about me? And that's what I tell men. You are worth living. Don't allow your entire life to be, you know, it's great to be a family guy, I am. But I don't allow my life to be completely centered around them. First is God, then it's my family, and then it's my service. And then another thing that misleads us is men, we fight to live this balanced life. Yeah.

• 1:29:33Jason Wilson?

  Like, I don't, I don't believe in that concept because if everything is balanced, that means everything gets the same amount of attention. Yeah. So my family and the things that matter the most are in this part of the scale. And this is everything else, the success, books, everything else. This must always tip the scale. Yes. As soon as I start feeling it do this, I'm like, oh, it's too much here. Yeah. Let me get some of this off, because this is really not important. This is not how I get my affirmation. This is not who I am as a man. But hearing my wife say, I'm so proud of you, Jay, and my daughter, Daddy, I love you, my son, leaning into me. My, uh, when my mother was living, how proud she was, how that I was able to serve her with dementia and fight through so much. I want to stay in balance.

• 1:30:15Jason Wilson?

  And as men, we're trying to do everything, but we need to fight to do what's important. So good. And then we'll find the peace that we long for, man. So good.

• 1:30:23Ed Mylett?

  Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Be sure to follow The Ed Mylett Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. I'm honored to have the great Brad Lea here today. Brad, thanks for being here, brother.

• 1:30:38Brad Lea?

  Man, I'm honored. I'm honored.

• 1:30:39Ed Mylett?

  You treated selling, this is important, by the way, because I did too young. I started out just in the selling business too. So, but you treated selling like it was your own business.

• 1:30:48Brad Lea?

  Well, it is.

• 1:30:49Ed Mylett?

  Elaborate. What do you mean?

• 1:30:50Brad Lea?

  When you're on commission, you know, you don't have a limit. So, if you're gonna give me cars, let's use cars or art, because I've sold art, cars, RVs, ridiculous vacuums.

• 1:31:03Ed Mylett?

  Really?

• 1:31:04Brad Lea?

  Candy bars. Yeah, I've sold everything. Matter of fact, at six years old, there's a story about selling candy bars that is pretty funny, but...

• 1:31:12Ed Mylett?

  Give me it. I want to hear it.

• 1:31:13Brad Lea?

  Well, I was six years old and they, and they gave out the boxes of candy, world's finest chocolates.

• 1:31:19Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:19Brad Lea?

  You remember those?

• 1:31:20Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 1:31:20Brad Lea?

  They were delicious. They were.

• 1:31:23Ed Mylett?

  Yep.

• 1:31:23Brad Lea?

  I mean, still to this day, I think they're probably the best actual chocolate with almonds you can find. So, I went out and I started selling candy bars and all the other kids that couldn't sell their candy bars, normally they would ship them back to the company and that was it. Well, they just gave me all of the candy bars everyone else couldn't sell and I literally sold every candy bar that the school received.

• 1:31:45Ed Mylett?

  Like how? Knocking doors or...?

• 1:31:46Brad Lea?

  Yeah, I went and knocked on doors. They'd open the door and I'd have it behind my back. And when they answered the door, I would say, "Do you have the phone number to a good roof repairman?" And they'd always be like, "No."

• 1:31:56Ed Mylett?

  At six years old, you're saying that?

• 1:31:57Brad Lea?

  Six years, and I developed it all by myself. I don't know how, but I said, "Do you have the phone number to a good roof repairman?" They said, "No. Why?" And I say, "'Cause when you taste one of these, you're gonna go through the roof." And people were just buying...

• 1:32:12Ed Mylett?

  Little six-year-old little face saying that. I don't get to say no.

• 1:32:14Brad Lea?

  And people were just buying boxes at a time. You know, I'll take 20 of them. So, I learned selling then.

• 1:32:20Ed Mylett?

  Okay, I'm gonna tell, point this out, what you just did. I told Brad before we went on the camera, because you just did it again. That he has an interesting way of communicating. Do you remember when I told you this earlier?

• 1:32:29Brad Lea?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:30Ed Mylett?

  And you just did it again. You started it at six years old. And this is why I want you to follow him. Because a lot of people speak the same way. They'll say, here's what I'm gonna tell you, then they tell you. Brad's communication style is it ends up a punchline. So you don't know where you're going and then boom, you land somewhere. Whether that's a joke, or a sales pitch, or a close, or a statement. You watch when you watch him. And you, just so you know, you did it at six years old. You start with the candy bar behind your back, right?

• 1:32:52Brad Lea?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:52Ed Mylett?

  Do you need a roof, you know, and boom, then you come back at him. So you always take them down an interesting road when you communicate. It's very unique to this dude with the way that you talk. It is, and it's why I think your social media stuff's interesting. Because it's not like, let me tell you what you need to think, and then you say it. You start out somewhere, and I don't know where we're going, then boom, there's a punchline and we land somewhere. And when I say punchline, it may not mean something funny. It just may mean you take me where you were gonna take me. It's almost like going around the corner and I find the prize.

• 1:33:18Brad Lea?

  Yeah.

• 1:33:18Ed Mylett?

  And that's what you were doing when you closed then, too. So that's awesome, by the way. You started that at six.

• 1:33:24Brad Lea?

  Started at six, you know.

• 1:33:25Ed Mylett?

  So let me ask you a question. You're this good closer at six. You become a great car salesman, young. You've gone on to sell other things and been successful. Then you built this huge training thing that we're gonna talk about in a minute. But I'm a, I'm a salesperson.

• 1:33:37Brad Lea?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:33:37Ed Mylett?

  Which, by the way, the first thing is, the first step of that is admitting it.

• 1:33:40Brad Lea?

  Yeah.

• 1:33:40Ed Mylett?

  Right, that I actually close, I actually sell, right? Give me a couple things that someone out here just got into sales, or is in it and struggling, right? Like, what's a couple real keys of being great at closing? One, you've said you own it like your own business, because not everybody does think that way. But give me a couple things. What makes a good closer, a good salesperson, a good persuader?

• 1:34:01Brad Lea?

  The ability to listen, first of all. Because a lot of salespeople really don't listen. And they're not even prepared to ask good questions in order to get good answers. So I'll give you an example. When I used to train people, I would carry around a quarter, a dime, and a nickel. So they, they can put this on the screen if, if you're editing this. But pretend this is a quarter, okay? And this is a dime, and this is a nickel. Now, I'm gonna ask you a question. I want you to listen, okay? Bob's mom has three kids. The first one is Nicholas, the second one is Demetrius. What's the third one's name?

• 1:34:43Ed Mylett?

  I don't know. What is it?

• 1:34:44Brad Lea?

  Okay, well, I'm gonna have you listen again.

• 1:34:46Ed Mylett?

  Okay, do it again.

• 1:34:46Brad Lea?

  Bob's mom has three kids. The first one is Nicholas, second one is Demetrius. What's the third one's name?

• 1:34:57Ed Mylett?

  I don't know.

• 1:34:57Brad Lea?

  See, that's because you're not really actively listening.

• 1:34:59Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 1:35:00Brad Lea?

  Now actively listen to me.

• 1:35:02Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 1:35:02Brad Lea?

  Bob's mom has three kids. The first one is Nicholas. The second one is Demetrius. What's the third one's name?

• 1:35:10Ed Mylett?

  You got me, I don't know.

• 1:35:10Brad Lea?

  Listen closely.

• 1:35:11Ed Mylett?

  Stop it, give me the answer.

• 1:35:13Brad Lea?

  Bob's mom.

• 1:35:14Ed Mylett?

  Bob's mom. It's Bob.

• 1:35:16Brad Lea?

  There you go.

• 1:35:17Ed Mylett?

  It takes me a while.

• 1:35:17Brad Lea?

  See, no, it doesn't take you a while, you're not listening actively.

• 1:35:20Ed Mylett?

  I'm struggling with my IQ issues. But I got it eventually.

• 1:35:24Brad Lea?

  I guarantee it's not that, and people do it all the time. They're not listening actively because we're having a conversation and you're not trying to sell me anything.

• 1:35:35Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 1:35:35Brad Lea?

  But when someone says, "What makes the best salesperson?"

• 1:35:38Ed Mylett?

  Was everybody, were all of you just watching, going, "What the hell is wrong with me?" Or were any of you with me on that? Like, is at least 5% of you with me that you did not know Bob's damn name?

• 1:35:48Brad Lea?

  I'd say 90%.

• 1:35:49Ed Mylett?

  Because what it is, the trick is, there's a damn N, a D, and a Q. So you're throwing me off with the Q.

• 1:35:53Brad Lea?

  Yeah, well, that's why I'd have a dime, a quarter, and a nickel. So people are trying to, because they're not listening. So if you're, if you're, if you want to be great in sales, first of all, you need to learn to listen closely and actively. And then secondly, learn to ask the right questions.

• 1:36:08Ed Mylett?

  Wow, that is, that is such an awesome illustration right there. My whole audience now just unfollowed me because they know how low my IQ is.

• 1:36:15Brad Lea?

  Well, watch this, well, you can edit it, but trust me.

• 1:36:18Ed Mylett?

  No, I'm gonna leave it, it was awesome.

• 1:36:19Brad Lea?

  95% of the people I do that with never get Bob. Sometimes they'll get it on the third one, occasionally on the second one. Hardly ever, they're listening.

• 1:36:28Ed Mylett?

  No, I'm leaving that in there, that's too damn good.

• 1:36:30Brad Lea?

  However, knowing the right questions to ask, you know, when people start selling things, like if I say, you know, "Go ahead and sell me that." You know, people will start saying, "Oh, it's quality leather and it's gonna last a long time." And that's not really selling, that's telling. Selling, I have to know what it is about you that values that. And I do that through questions. So if I were gonna sell you that, I wouldn't just start selling it like most people. That's what they'll do. Like, next time you talk to a salesperson that says they're top salesmen, say, "Okay, well, sell me that chair." And they'll say, "Oh, this chair's constructed this way." It's the greatest fabric and it's gonna last the best. And they're not asking you, you know, who's the chair for?

• 1:37:11Ed Mylett?

  Yep.

• 1:37:12Brad Lea?

  You know, are you replacing a chair? You know, what do you like about the chair you're replacing? What didn't you like about the chair you're replacing? So by the time I explain that chair, I can provide value and explain to you why it's valuable. Now, let's say for example, you tell me that chair is so quality and it's gonna last forever and I find out you're getting a divorce and you have to provide your ex-wife

• 1:37:34Brad Lea?

  a replacement chair.

• 1:37:35Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:35Brad Lea?

  I just unsold you the chair, not even knowing it. Why? Cause I didn't ask you some questions and listen to the answer.

• 1:37:41Ed Mylett?

  Well, that's the big thing. Cardone said this to me. Grant Cardone and I were talking about this very topic off-camera also and he said, cause it's what you just did with me. It's not just asking the question, it's getting the answer. So a lot of people ask questions, but they never get the answer. You forced me to finally to get me to get the answer, right? And that's what a good closer gets also. They don't just ask the question, they actually get the answer. I think some people think, all I gotta do is ask a bunch of questions. Well, no, you have to get the answer and get them actively listening. That's why that is really powerful and why I wanna absolutely leave that in there. So, very, very good.

• 1:38:10Brad Lea?

  You wanna be good in sales, listen and ask good questions.