I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)

🇺🇸 Watch United States of Anxiety Exclusively on the Free Ramsey Network App! On today’s episode, we hear about: · A young man deciding if he should stop smoking weed and drinking for good · A woman struggling after her sister revealed she had an abortion · A couple uncomfortable with seeing an abusive family member during the holidays Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🥤 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY. · 🏔️ Head to Poncho Outdoors to check out all their styles! Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  Last day of 8th grade and I was hanging around some people and they were like, "We're all going to the park. We're gonna go green and smoke off some weed vapes." Well, they didn't mention the weed vapes at first and I mean, they busted one out and I hit it a lot. I hit it like 80 times.

• 0:19Dr. John Delony?

  How many?

• 0:19Speaker 00

  80. I was, I was gone.

• 0:22Dr. John Delony?

  Are you still high? Yeah, I was gonna say.

• 0:28Dr. John Delony?

  What in the world's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delony Show, talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships. What's up? I hope you are doing alright. Hope you're doing alright. If you want to be on this show, I sit with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Let's, what?

• 0:56Speaker 02

  We have started the last few shows talking about how we won't know, we won't know. And I think we at least have to acknowledge that we know.

• 1:07Dr. John Delony?

  Kelly's quitting.

• 1:09Speaker 02

  No, she's not.

• 1:12Speaker 02

  But we've spent the last few shows, so now these are coming out in December, but we've said we're recording these. Like we recorded yesterday on Election Day and today's the day after Election Day. And we've spent a lot of time talking about how we don't think we'll know, we won't know till January or February. So we probably don't know. I just want to say for future people, we know.

• 1:29Dr. John Delony?

  We know, we know.

• 1:32Speaker 02

  And there's feelings.

• 1:34Dr. John Delony?

  There's lots of feelings.

• 1:35Speaker 02

  Lots of feelings, some good feelings, some not so great feelings.

• 1:37Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 1:38Speaker 02

  There's feelings.

• 1:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, so it's the day after the election and I was up late and I got up this morning. You know, it's probably important that we talk about this for a second. So either, you're probably in one of two camps. That's probably not fair. You're probably in multiple camps, but the vast majority are either today is a great day, right? Today was the day. For years, it's been like, "Oh, man, if I could, if I could..." Okay, well, here you go. You got the presidency, you got the Supreme Court, you got the House, you got the Senate. You said you could fix the world, go fix it, right? So there's that and then it's like, "Yeah." And then there's the other side that thinks that like the apocalypse is on us. And so these are seasons when I am super intentional about being pretty quiet and trying to be as...

• 2:23Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know how to say this like in a not weird way, but like... Make my footsteps as light as possible and be really humble with people because I don't know where people are and so make sure people are doing well and doing okay. And I had this thing this morning where I got up and I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, but you're not talking about it. I made sure I made my bed and I know it's like, like that sounds like I want to make sure I start the day with that.

• 2:48Speaker 02

  I make my bed every morning, no questions asked. So I get that.

• 2:51Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I mean, it's usually me or my wife.

• 2:53Speaker 02

  Right, one of us. I mean, it's made.

• 2:55Dr. John Delony?

  Running out the door.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  Right.

• 2:57Dr. John Delony?

  It was a, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna start the day with this one and I went and made coffee and I went straight and did leg workout.

• 3:02Speaker 02

  Which I'm impressed because I, you know, I too get up at five to work out and this morning didn't, I was like, this is my day off, which means I have to work out on Sunday and I normally don't. Um, so I have to.

• 3:11Dr. John Delony?

  I want to start today with this one premise. If you think that the world is now sudden, like the, the, the sun came out, right? Um, your marriage is still the same as it was yesterday and your relationship with your kids is exactly as it was yesterday. And if you think that like this is the end of time, the beginning of the end of time, the only thing you can do anything about is the next right thing. And I tried to not just run my mouth on the show, I tried to live it. And so I woke up today and no one's going to know where I fall on any of this stuff. Um, in fact, my daughter was like, dad, but who are you voting for? And I was like, I don't tell anybody. And Hank, my son was like, he's not gonna tell you. And she was sweating me. Um, so I tried to keep it as tight as I can to the vest and argue everybody on both sides all the time.

• 3:55Dr. John Delony?

  But it was waking up and like, all right, the only thing I can do anything about today is I can do the next right thing. And I, I like, I just, I know it's a good reminder for me. It's a good reminder. And then we, we spent some time, I think this show will come out after the interview with Carlos Whitaker. Um, and I don't know when this is coming out, but we spent some time with.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, this comes out before.

• 4:17Dr. John Delony?

  Um, interviewed Carlos Whitaker and, um, it may have been the most timely message I needed in a long, long time. Um, and so, anyway.

• 4:27Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know, we're here.

• 4:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, and like we were talking about before the show started, regardless of which side you fall on, if you're in a great mood or in, you know, I don't necessarily have to say which mood I'm in, but I woke up this morning, literally my life hasn't changed. Last night to tonight.

• 4:44Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 4:45Speaker 02

  Um, it won't, for the most part. It doesn't affect very much in my house. I, my husband and I, you know, prices may go up or down, but we-

• 4:54Dr. John Delony?

  You uncovered your American flag tattoo.

• 4:58Speaker 02

  I would never cover my American flag. If I had one, I would never cover it.

• 5:01Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it's smaller than your Dallas Cowboys tattoo.

• 5:03Speaker 02

  Which, that's a tattoo of shame right now, but we won't talk about that. Um, I don't have that either, but wow. But also, you know,

• 5:13Speaker 02

  because I'm a believer, I work either, I have a bigger belief than who's in the White House. So, and I'm okay, so however it turns out, I'm okay.

• 5:21Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 5:22Speaker 02

  I may, I voted, I made my voice heard.

• 5:25Dr. John Delony?

  You, there's one thing that we can always count on is that Kelly's voice will be heard.

• 5:29Speaker 02

  I'm not a wallflower, we'll put it that way.

• 5:30Dr. John Delony?

  Let's go out to Texas, my old stomping ground and talk to Harold. What's up Harold?

• 5:36Speaker 00

  What's up John?

• 5:37Dr. John Delony?

  How we doing, brother?

• 5:39Speaker 00

  I'm doing good, I'm doing good, you know, day number two of it.

• 5:42Dr. John Delony?

  Day number two, uh oh, day number two of what?

• 5:46Speaker 00

  Uh, well, sobriety for marijuana and alcohol.

• 5:49Dr. John Delony?

  Well, congratulations. Did you choose this life or did this life choose you?

• 5:54Speaker 00

  It has chosen me.

• 5:55Dr. John Delony?

  Oh no, what happened?

• 5:58Dr. John Delony?

  What happened?

• 5:59Speaker 00

  So, um, a couple of months back, I had got pulled over with a weed pen, like one of those like weed vapes, and they're considered felonies in Texas, but they have to test it.

• 6:08Dr. John Delony?

  Texas is like, "Hey, you can't tell us what to do!", except you can't smoke weed.

• 6:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, except that. Um, and so they took it and they had it for a couple of months, and then just like, uh, Thursday, they showed up with a warrant and arrested me, and so, I'm out on bond now and I have to report for drug testing randomly.

• 6:28Dr. John Delony?

  So.

• 6:35Dr. John Delony?

  In the old days, we called that busted.

• 6:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:40Dr. John Delony?

  So, are you high right now?

• 6:43Speaker 00

  No, no, man. I'm just tired. I was watching the election last night.

• 6:47Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, that's fair. Alright, so how old are you?

• 6:49Speaker 00

  I'm nineteen.

• 6:50Dr. John Delony?

  Nineteen. Alright, so how can I help, brother?

• 6:54Speaker 00

  Well, honestly, my question is, um, in Texas, we have what's called the compassionate use program.

• 6:59Dr. John Delony?

  Don't do it. Don't. Don't, don't, don't, don't do that. I know, I've been in Texas my whole life. No. I mean, okay, what does weed give you?

• 7:10Speaker 00

  Um, mostly just a de-stressor, something to do when I'm bored.

• 7:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 7:16Dr. John Delony?

  How long have you been smoking?

• 7:18Speaker 00

  Um, since I was fourteen.

• 7:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Why'd you start smoking at fourteen?

• 7:25Speaker 00

  I don't even know. I just kinda did. Someone offered me and I didn't even think about it.

• 7:30Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about dad.

• 7:32Speaker 00

  So, um, it was, uh, the last day of eighth grade and I was hanging around some people and they were like, "We're all going to the park. We're gonna go, we're gonna smoke off some weed vapes. Do you wanna come?" Well, they didn't mention the weed vapes at first, but then they were like, "Do you wanna come out there with us?" And I mean, last day of eighth grade? Sure, why not? And, I mean, they busted one out and I hit it a lot. I hit it like eighty times.

• 7:54Dr. John Delony?

  How many?

• 7:56Speaker 00

  Sorry?

• 7:56Dr. John Delony?

  Eight or eighty?

• 7:58Speaker 00

  Eighty.

• 8:01Speaker 00

  I was, I was gone.

• 8:01Dr. John Delony?

  Are you still high? Yeah, I was gonna say. Eighty, huh? Dang. Okay. And you liked it? It felt good?

• 8:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, definitely.

• 8:11Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, so tell me about your dad.

• 8:14Speaker 00

  Um, what specifically? I don't remember.

• 8:18Dr. John Delony?

  Just tell me about him.

• 8:20Speaker 00

  Um, he's a good guy, so he's not technically, my dad isn't my biological father, that's his brother, but, um, he took a hold of my life real, when I was really young. He, um, doesn't smoke really. He used to, drinks a little bit here and there. Um, he's just a real compassionate guy, though. Help you, answer any time of the day, anytime you need him.

• 8:40Dr. John Delony?

  Where's your bio, dad?

• 8:42Speaker 00

  Um, he's dead.

• 8:43Dr. John Delony?

  What happened?

• 8:45Speaker 00

  He overdosed on heroin when I was really young. He was out in, uh, Baltimore, Maryland, so...

• 8:49Dr. John Delony?

  God, dude, I'm so sorry, man.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  Hey, I didn't know the guy.

• 8:54Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, do you have any memories of him, or no?

• 8:56Speaker 00

  No, that's, I didn't even find out about it, about him being my real father until I was like fifteen, sixteen.

• 9:02Dr. John Delony?

  No kidding, so you, you didn't know that your current dad was not your biological dad?

• 9:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, I found that out, like, that definitely also accelerated the weed smoking a little bit.

• 9:12Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I'm gonna say, yeah, so, wha- wha- tell me about your mom?

• 9:16Speaker 00

  Um, I don't, she's real big into the pot, she's a hippie character, um, been running around forever. Just, I don't really talk to her too much, because they split up when I was really young, and I moved back down, I lived in Arkansas with her for a couple of years, and then moved back down to Texas with my dad, about thirteen.

• 9:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 9:37Dr. John Delony?

  Exhale for me.

• 9:44Dr. John Delony?

  Can I just, can I speak straight to you?

• 9:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:49Dr. John Delony?

  Boys aren't supposed to grow up without their mom.

• 9:53Speaker 00

  Ooh.

• 9:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 9:58Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:59Dr. John Delony?

  It's not supposed to be like that.

• 10:03Dr. John Delony?

  And your mom's got her own story, so I'm not gonna throw shade at her, I'm telling you right now, just, just, grown up Texan to grown up Texan, boys aren't supposed to grow up without their moms.

• 10:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:17Dr. John Delony?

  And listen, dads aren't supposed to OD on heroin either.

• 10:22Speaker 00

  Definitely not.

• 10:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 10:27Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what, here, here's, here's what you got in front of you. You have the deep, internalized understanding that you are half your mom and half your dad.

• 10:38Dr. John Delony?

  And you see the path laid out before you.

• 10:47Dr. John Delony?

  So you can go, you can go get a compassionate use authorization. And you see the path before you.

• 10:57Speaker 00

  I think I do. I think I do.

• 10:58Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, no.

• 10:59Speaker 00

  I think I see what you're saying.

• 11:01Dr. John Delony?

  You don't think, you know. I want you to put your hand on your chest right now. Feel it.

• 11:05Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:06Dr. John Delony?

  You haven't felt anything since you were 14 years old.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  Not much.

• 11:11Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to feel this, because this sucks. You are half mom and you are half dad, and you have the path laid out in front of you. Or you can do the hardest damn thing you've ever experienced in your life, and you can get a machete, you can go carve yourself a new path, so that your, not your kids, but your grandkids will have peace that you may never fully grasp. Because their granddad Harold decided, this stops with me.

• 11:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, I feel, I feel that. I really, I think I feel what you're saying.

• 11:53Dr. John Delony?

  I would look back and say that maybe the greatest glimpse of grace from God was this moment when you got pulled over. Because Harold, without that, you have a kid that you let go. That never knows their dad, because either you die, or you decide to stay in the woods and smoke, and let somebody else raise you.

• 12:21Speaker 00

  I think that's what I really want to do. Like, at the end of the day, I don't want to fall down the same path as my biological parents.

• 12:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but you have to make a choice, and the choice is not going to be to not do drugs. That's the easy thing. The choice is to stop going around the insane amount of pain you have inside your chest, and you gotta get with a professional and walk right the hell through it.

• 12:42Speaker 00

  Ahhhhh. I know that's what I needed to hear, but I don't think I wanted to hear it.

• 12:49Dr. John Delony?

  I know. I wouldn't wish, I wouldn't wish the next two years that you're gonna experience on anybody.

• 12:58Dr. John Delony?

  Because there's gonna come a moment when you're sobbing so hard that there's snot coming out of your face, out of your eyes, out of your nose, because your mom chose weed over her son. And there's gonna come moments when you're crying so hard you can't breathe and your chest won't work right because your dad died.

• 13:17Dr. John Delony?

  And you haven't faced that demon yet.

• 13:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:23Dr. John Delony?

  And it's just, dude-

• 13:24Speaker 00

  I fucked up when I was 14.

• 13:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 13:28Dr. John Delony?

  You've been doing it before 14. 14 is when somebody offered you something that made it go away.

• 13:34Dr. John Delony?

  80 hits the first time out is not normal.

• 13:38Dr. John Delony?

  I've been around weed my entire life. 80 hits is not normal. That's a dude who felt it and it felt good and it went, "Oh, this makes it all stop."

• 13:49Speaker 00

  That's actually, wow, that's basically what I said at the time, is it just made it stop.

• 13:54Dr. John Delony?

  It makes it stop. And then for the last seven years, you have not pursued girls, you haven't pursued grades, you haven't pursued work, you've pursued not hurting.

• 14:03Speaker 00

  Yeah. Even when I have pursued some of those things, it was like in the vein of not hurting.

• 14:08Dr. John Delony?

  That's exactly right. That's exactly right.

• 14:13Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, dude, I pursued not hurting too. I just didn't use drugs. I never did drugs. I pursued it by trying to say, "Look at my shiny certificate, y'all see me?"

• 14:25Dr. John Delony?

  And I've got other friends who pursued it with their career. "Look how much money I'm making." I've got other friends who pursued it with, "Look how many girls I've slept with."

• 14:34Dr. John Delony?

  And what you're gonna find is everybody in your sphere is running from something. And I tell you what, I sure as hell didn't run from anywhere near the pain you've got sitting inside your chest.

• 14:45Dr. John Delony?

  Not even close.

• 14:50Dr. John Delony?

  But here's where I've got a lot of hope for you, dude.

• 14:54Dr. John Delony?

  At 19 years old, after 48 hours, you ask the question, "Is this what I want to keep doing?"

• 15:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:04Dr. John Delony?

  You tell me.

• 15:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think it's what I want to keep doing. Yeah, I know. I know it's what I want to keep doing. And thank you, thank you, seriously. That's why I called, because I've watched a little bit of your show and I just... Sometimes I feel like you just need to hear it.

• 15:20Dr. John Delony?

  You do, but listen, brother, I can't do it for you. It's probably gonna cost you your friends.

• 15:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:28Dr. John Delony?

  And it's gonna cost you the places you go on Friday and Saturdays. You know what that means? It's gonna cost you even the more terrifying feeling of, not only did mom leave, not only did dad leave, now I got nobody.

• 15:41Dr. John Delony?

  And that means your work is not gonna be not smoking weed as much as it's gonna be finding a new gang.

• 15:48Dr. John Delony?

  And then you're gonna feel hollow and you're gonna have to do really hard work to find a purpose. Why am I here? What am I doing? And by the way, your purpose can be making sure people's front-end alignments are perfect, because there's scared moms who drive cars with three kids in them, and they're gonna come into your shop because you're an awesome mechanic, and you're gonna be the best front-end alignment, you're gonna treat people with dignity. Or you can go to grad school and become a doctor. I don't care what job you do, but you have to find and extract purpose from whatever it is you're doing. And your purpose has to be in service of others, not in service of trying to not hurt. You get the difference?

• 16:21Speaker 00

  Yeah. And that's the thing, I like helping people, so...

• 16:26Dr. John Delony?

  And so, what do you do right now? What's your work?

• 16:29Speaker 00

  I just recently, about a month ago, I started at a roofing... I do door-to-door sales for a roofing company.

• 16:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So you can be a door-to-door salesman selling roofs to people, especially in Texas where it hails every week and they have to replace their roofs every month. And you can be one of those scammers, a fly-by-nighter who sells people crap they don't need? And you're gonna bounce around from roofing job to roofing job and move for 50 cents on an hour or another point on commission, or

• 16:58Dr. John Delony?

  you can be the kind of roofer that says, "Hey, you're fine. I'm not gonna take your money, you're good." There are people who can try to sell you stuff, your house is good. Or, "Ma'am, I can sell you this top line roof, or I know you're struggling right now financially, I can get you in for this one."

• 17:15Dr. John Delony?

  And you can provide a literal roof over people's heads. I can think of very few things that are that noble.

• 17:25Dr. John Delony?

  Do you get what I'm saying?

• 17:26Speaker 00

  Wow. Yeah, yeah, I do, I do, I really do.

• 17:29Dr. John Delony?

  You can go today, when we get off this phone call, you can go today, go down to a local clinic, tell them 30 seconds of what you've just told me about your childhood, and they will write you an exemption card right now.

• 17:47Dr. John Delony?

  Or you can go to an AAA meeting tonight in your local community, and say, "I'm done."

• 17:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think, yeah, I'm gonna go. They hold meetings in my town on Tuesdays, and I'm gonna go.

• 17:58Dr. John Delony?

  Will you go?

• 17:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm gonna go, like, the next one that they host.

• 18:03Dr. John Delony?

  They find that, if you look around, there's more than just one.

• 18:09Speaker 00

  I'll look around, I'll look around, the soonest one that I can find.

• 18:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. If I hook you up with, um, with some, three months with BetterHelp, the therapist, would you call them today?

• 18:21Speaker 00

  Okay, yes, I would.

• 18:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and they'll set you up in the next 24, 48 hours, and you can have a conversation with a licensed therapist on FaceTime, on Zoom.

• 18:33Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 18:34Dr. John Delony?

  Would that be cool?

• 18:35Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 18:36Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 18:37Speaker 00

  I need it.

• 18:38Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know. So here's my promise to you. As you walk through this, I've got friends in the nutrition space, and in the exercise space, and in the finance space. Anything I've got that you need, you can have for free if you'll keep calling me, and you'll stay on the path.

• 19:00Speaker 00

  All right.

• 19:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 19:02Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 19:02Dr. John Delony?

  You in?

• 19:04Speaker 00

  I'm in.

• 19:07Dr. John Delony?

  I think you getting pulled over may have been the greatest moment of your life, other than when your dad's brother came in and said, "I'm gonna raise you as like your my son."

• 19:18Speaker 00

  You're right.

• 19:20Dr. John Delony?

  When's the last time you looked at that man and, um,

• 19:25Dr. John Delony?

  like truly put your, like, looked at him in his eyes and said, "Thank you"?

• 19:31Speaker 00

  Um,

• 19:34Speaker 00

  it's probably been a year or two.

• 19:36Dr. John Delony?

  Will you do something crazy for me?

• 19:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:40Dr. John Delony?

  Almost all of AA starts in these same little, in these same paths. One of the cornerstones is gratitude, being grateful.

• 19:50Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to, uh, make a call to BetterHelp and I'm gonna hook you up today. I want you to write a letter to your dad tonight.

• 19:59Dr. John Delony?

  And not just a perfunctory, like, "Oh, thanks."

• 20:04Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to write your dad, like,

• 20:07Dr. John Delony?

  yeah, a thank-you letter.

• 20:09Dr. John Delony?

  Cause your dad was sick for a long time, right?

• 20:12Speaker 00

  Yes, he was.

• 20:13Dr. John Delony?

  He had some demons?

• 20:15Speaker 00

  Um, mostly physical stuff.

• 20:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay.

• 20:20Dr. John Delony?

  So, your dad's brother has watched his, his brother hurt for a long time, right?

• 20:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:27Dr. John Delony?

  And then lost him.

• 20:30Dr. John Delony?

  And then he got you.

• 20:30Speaker 00

  He had to pull the plug on him.

• 20:31Dr. John Delony?

  Did he really? Yeah. Gee.

• 20:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was in a coma.

• 20:34Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So I want you to write him a heartfelt letter, and if you're a gangster, I want you to read it to him.

• 20:43Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 20:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 20:44Speaker 00

  Okay, I'm gonna do that. That's what I'm gonna do.

• 20:46Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to tell him that his raising you for 18 years was not in vain. It was, you're gonna bring peace to your dad's, um,

• 20:57Dr. John Delony?

  to your dad's hurt, and you're gonna do it generally, gener- generationally.

• 21:03Dr. John Delony?

  Cool?

• 21:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, cause I think that's all he's ever wanted, was to build the, build something different than what he had going on in Baltimore.

• 21:11Dr. John Delony?

  That's right. So you're gonna take the baton, you're gonna dust it off, you're gonna pick it up off the ground, and you're gonna carry it. For everybody listening, the path isn't perfection. Harold's gonna have good days and bad days. He's gonna mess up, he's gonna fall off. And he's gonna have surrounded himself with people who care about him, and a, and a team of professionals. And they're gonna be able to lift him up and help him out.

• 21:34Dr. John Delony?

  Let's go to Bakersfield, California and talk to Abby. What's up Abby?

• 21:39Speaker 03

  Okay, so with Christmas approaching, I'm not quite sure how to approach my mom with setting specific boundaries regarding family members coming to certain Christmas events.

• 21:52Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it.

• 21:54Speaker 03

  There are these specific family members that I, my husband and I are both in agreement. We do not want to be around them. They make us uncomfortable. They have physically abused one of my younger cousins. It's disgusting. It's heartbreaking.

• 22:12Dr. John Delony?

  Sexual abuse?

• 22:13Speaker 03

  Yes. Yeah, when she was six, seven years old and what complicates it a little bit more is that my cousins who, these my other cousin, they were children at the time as well. They were older children. They were thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. There was four of them.

• 22:34Speaker 03

  And, yeah.

• 22:37Dr. John Delony?

  I'm so sorry. How old are they now?

• 22:40Speaker 03

  Oh, same age as me, like twenty-two, twenty-three, early twenties.

• 22:45Dr. John Delony?

  Were they prosecuted?

• 22:50Speaker 03

  I, I, I don't know, which makes it even harder. I don't know any of the details. I just found out last year, right before Christmas actually, and I've been dreading it all year, thinking about it because last year, I conveniently was out of town and didn't have to see them or see any of my other family. And my mom actually found out maybe two years before that. I, I wouldn't even know what the legal proceedings would be or look like. I mean, I don't know.

• 23:22Dr. John Delony?

  So do you have kids?

• 23:24Speaker 03

  Um, I, I, no, not right now.

• 23:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. It doesn't, it doesn't, it's, it's an accelerant or it's an extra layer. It's not, it's not the foundation.

• 23:38Dr. John Delony?

  So do me a favor.

• 23:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:40Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to, uh, are you, wha- what are you doing right now?

• 23:46Speaker 03

  I'm standing in a kitchen.

• 23:47Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, perfect. Alright, so I want you to not lean over anything. I want you to stand as straight as you can.

• 23:56Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 23:57Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, and your shoulders, I want you to drop them, pull them down.

• 24:02Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:02Dr. John Delony?

  And then I want you to pull them back, just about an inch.

• 24:06Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 24:08Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to pull your, your head up a little bit, almost like you're trying to like, almost like making fun of like a high school footballer, how they take pictures.

• 24:16Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:16Dr. John Delony?

  They gotta throw their head up a little bit.

• 24:19Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:19Dr. John Delony?

  That's your new posture right now.

• 24:21Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 24:23Dr. John Delony?

  We're not putting our head down, we're not going, "I don't know how..." We're standing as tall as possible, with our shoulders thrown back and our head up. And we're gonna look at any adult in front of us and say, "I'm not going to be around

• 24:38Dr. John Delony?

  former child molesters. I'm not." So y'all have a great time.

• 24:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:45Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to adopt that posture, because right now you're tiptoeing around and I don't know how to do this and it's gonna be uncomfortable. I want you to, I want you to accept a posture of strength in this moment, not one of, "I'm afraid I'm gonna say and do the wrong thing."

• 25:02Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 25:03Dr. John Delony?

  When everyone around you is acting crazy, it's easy, if you're a person of character, to think you're crazy too.

• 25:13Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 25:14Dr. John Delony?

  Or to feel like you're the only, you're the crazy one. And so I want you to hear me say, "You are not the crazy one here."

• 25:21Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 25:22Dr. John Delony?

  That was just, I mean, I mean, you're talking four, five, or six years ago.

• 25:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:26Dr. John Delony?

  This isn't that long ago. And if there wasn't a big...

• 25:32Dr. John Delony?

  I don't say public, I don't mean public, but I mean, a disgust reckoning inside this family unit, inside this home? Yeah, not only do I not want to be around them, and I've got a lot of grace for kids.

• 25:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:47Dr. John Delony?

  14 and 15 year olds can do some disturbing things and they're 14 and 15. And if you haven't worked with young people, they're still, they're still young people, right?

• 25:58Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:00Dr. John Delony?

  I've got way more concern with the lack of accountability and integrity of the adults in this situation.

• 26:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, and...

• 26:08Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not gonna build my Christmas legacy with those folks.

• 26:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, and it was hidden from everybody except the parents of the people that were involved and I think the grandparents and it's, the parents, it's hard because I do work with children and both of my parents are teachers and the parents of everybody that was involved are also teachers. So I know they're mandated reporters and I know that those guidelines weren't followed. And I don't know, like, I don't know why anybody's not doing anything. And I feel like it's all fallen into my lap. And like, it's also four or five years old and like, what are the statutes? I don't know.

• 26:53Dr. John Delony?

  You, you...

• 26:54Speaker 03

  If that all makes sense.

• 26:55Dr. John Delony?

  You know, oh, it totally does. And anytime I get lost in these moments, what do I do? And how long's it been? What time is it? There was a six and now a 10 or 11 year old little girl.

• 27:11Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 27:15Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna act for her.

• 27:17Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 27:19Dr. John Delony?

  Because here's the thing, if they kept that quiet, who knows what else they've kept quiet?

• 27:23Speaker 03

  Exactly, yeah.

• 27:24Dr. John Delony?

  And, and I'm not gonna sleep like that. And so if I'm in your situation, I would probably send an email out to everybody or to your parents and say, Mom, Dad,

• 27:36Dr. John Delony?

  I've thought this through and I can't be quiet about this. I'm gonna give everybody seven days. And if there's in a public, if there's not a report made of this, I work with kids, I'm a mandatory reporter. I'm gonna do what I'm supposed to do.

• 27:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 27:51Dr. John Delony?

  And period. And it might cost you the next 10 Christmases, fine. It won't be, it won't be you that did the wrong thing.

• 28:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:02Dr. John Delony?

  You see what I'm saying? You'll have to live with some of the consequences because you've got a picture of this great family, that all the things, all the memories and yada yada. They will have made choices that led up to this moment.

• 28:15Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. Yep.

• 28:18Dr. John Delony?

  And here's the, here's the sucky thing. A day of reckoning will come. It's still out there.

• 28:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:25Dr. John Delony?

  Because that six-year-old at some point goes, why didn't anybody protect me?

• 28:32Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:32Dr. John Delony?

  Why didn't anybody do or say anything? Why am I still a 10 or 11 or 12-year-old little girl at this Christmas party with those same guys?

• 28:43Speaker 03

  Well, she does live in a different state, so thank God she does not have to see them or be around them, but I, yeah.

• 28:50Dr. John Delony?

  But you get what I'm saying?

• 28:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, I do, I do. Yeah. Uh, all right.

• 28:56Dr. John Delony?

  I, I hate that this fell on you. How old are you?

• 29:01Speaker 03

  I'm 24.

• 29:02Dr. John Delony?

  How long have you been married?

• 29:04Speaker 03

  Three years.

• 29:05Dr. John Delony?

  Three years.

• 29:07Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 29:09Dr. John Delony?

  And husband's fully got your back?

• 29:12Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. No, he was livid. I, I, I, my husband is not an angry man. I've never seen him angry. I've never seen him yell. Um, I have never seen him this mad before. Like, I was, I was shocked. You know, it was, I mean, I married a good man, though, so.

• 29:28Dr. John Delony?

  Good, good.

• 29:29Speaker 03

  You know?

• 29:29Dr. John Delony?

  And he married a good woman.

• 29:31Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 29:32Dr. John Delony?

  And, and, I mean, you got, you, it's, it's, it's hard.

• 29:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:36Dr. John Delony?

  And, um, here's my visceral response. I got an eight-year-old little girl.

• 29:44Dr. John Delony?

  And the thought of her having to carry the weight of a family's secret because none of the adults had the courage to say anything makes it like I'm having trouble catching my breath right now.

• 29:58Dr. John Delony?

  So, forget the adults, forget the perpetrators, whatever. They were 14 and 15, they were still kids, right? And I have some compassion for children who perpetrate on children.

• 30:17Dr. John Delony?

  But we're gonna think about that little girl right now who is still very, very young, right?

• 30:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:24Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 30:27Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe mom and dad tell you some more of the story, but I think it's important for you to say, "Hey, I'm not sitting on this anymore."

• 30:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:36Dr. John Delony?

  And hopefully, here's the thing, here's what I hope, I hope that maybe your parents gain a new level of respect for you.

• 30:46Dr. John Delony?

  And it's indicting to them in a good way. It might be indicting to them in a tough way. "We should never have told you, we can't keep secrets, family secrets with you." "You're right, I don't keep those kind of secrets. And how dare you put that on me? And I've sat on it and sat on it and sat on it, and I'm not doing it anymore." And it might be that you and your husband go on a trip for Christmas this year. Y'all start making your own Christmas plans, you invite some of your students' families over, I don't know. Y'all have a rando Christmas, just like the Delony have a rando Easter. Y'all do something, but it's gonna look different for you this year, and I'm sorry.

• 31:26Dr. John Delony?

  But I would give everybody a warning, in seven days I'm making a report. Hopefully y'all do the right thing.

• 31:33Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Hawaii and talk to Paige. What's up Paige?

• 31:38Speaker 04

  With my sister about politics now. You know, I live here in Hawaii and she lives on the east coast. I know it's so it was dumb. It was really.

• 31:46Dr. John Delony?

  It's all good. It's all good.

• 31:48Speaker 04

  Bad move.

• 31:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:49Speaker 04

  But um, so our relationship has been over the phone primarily for the past fifteen years.

• 31:54Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, wow. Okay.

• 31:55Speaker 04

  And.

• 31:55Dr. John Delony?

  Are you all close?

• 31:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, so we don't see each other in person. We talked, we were talking about every two, two or three times a week.

• 32:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 32:03Speaker 04

  Um, so calling each other all the time. Um, so of course we start talking about politics and the topic of abortion came up. And I am very pro-life.

• 32:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 32:13Speaker 04

  And she is not.

• 32:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 32:15Speaker 04

  Um, uh, so I made, I made kind of the remark that I, I think abortion is murder.

• 32:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 32:23Speaker 04

  And she said, well, I guess I'm a murderer then. And that was the end of the conversation. We haven't spoken in almost three weeks now. And so I don't, I don't know how to call, like she hasn't called me. I haven't called her. I don't know how to even call her. I don't even know what I would say. Like I, I, I don't know where, do I ignore it? Do I address it? I had no idea about this. I probably wouldn't have.

• 32:54Dr. John Delony?

  So you're assuming from her comment that she has had an abortion?

• 32:59Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 33:00Dr. John Delony?

  What makes you, what makes you think from that comment?

• 33:04Speaker 04

  Well, if I think abortion is murder and then she said that she would be a murderer, then I, I.

• 33:11Dr. John Delony?

  I think that's a lead.

• 33:12Speaker 04

  I guess I just, yeah.

• 33:14Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Um, it, it could be. It could be. And it also could very much be like, well, then you're, I guess, like intellectually, right?

• 33:24Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 33:25Dr. John Delony?

  Um.

• 33:28Speaker 04

  I guess I hadn't thought about it that way.

• 33:30Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And I, I.

• 33:34Dr. John Delony?

  All I have to say is, either way, that, hold on one second, am I missing something? Do you all think I'm crazy?

• 33:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, we all think that, we all, we all believe the same thing that Paige did, that that's what she meant.

• 33:45Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, okay.

• 33:47Speaker 02

  So.

• 33:47Dr. John Delony?

  So, I, I, like, working at a university for 20 years, I'm, this is my, every day of my life, was these big philosophical debates, and, "Well, I guess I'm just evil that..." And so, I just took it as, that's just, that's the world I lived in, was, everything was ideas and trafficking ideas, and, um, everything was, all my friends, we're always sparring, all the time, 24/7, 365. Um, so, I took that very much intellectually, "Well, I guess I'm a murderer then." Like, if, if you, if you believe that abortion's murder, and I believe it's not, I guess I'm a murderer then. Uh, everyone in the booth, like, looking at me, you can't see them, they all are on your side. They're like, "No, she just, she just, she just admitted to you that she's, um, she had abortion, and she feels completely isolated all by herself."

• 34:32Dr. John Delony?

  So, here's what's really important, it doesn't matter what I think, or anyone in the, in the boardroom thinks, that's your sister and you love her, and your sister is hurting, and I would reach out and call my sister.

• 34:44Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm. Yeah, I mean, I feel like she weaponized it, though, like, she just, she just threw it out there and shut down.

• 34:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but hold on, she feels like you just weaponized one of the most painful experiences of her life.

• 35:00Speaker 04

  True, yeah, I am, yeah.

• 35:03Dr. John Delony?

  And, um, maybe one of the scariest, aloneest times of her life, and she's always wondered if her sister would be by her side during this time, during the season, during these memories, or however long, or however, whatever, how old, it might be 20 years old, it might be two weeks old, who knows? Um, and, but she hasn't talked to you about it, and that's allowed her to keep her fantasy going, that y'all are on the same team? That you would never leave her side?

• 35:38Dr. John Delony?

  And now you called her a murderer.

• 35:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 35:41Dr. John Delony?

  So she feels the exact same way.

• 35:43Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 35:45Dr. John Delony?

  And that's why people are always asking me my takes on issues and sides and outside of very few things, I don't give them because I'm way more interested in sitting with hurting people.

• 35:57Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 35:58Dr. John Delony?

  And that's why, and by the way, I have done what you have done more times in my life than I can count, which is to, to, to be very vocal to a person about an issue,

• 36:14Dr. John Delony?

  not thinking through that the issue has a very personal end sometimes.

• 36:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:21Dr. John Delony?

  And I can think really, um, really passionately about an issue

• 36:30Dr. John Delony?

  and still love you. Right? And that's why I flipped the conversation. Now I only talk about issues after I've connected with the person.

• 36:40Speaker 04

  Mm hmm.

• 36:41Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 36:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:43Dr. John Delony?

  And you have to ask yourself, can I be friends or sisters? Can I be in communication with someone who's had an abortion? If you feel strongly that you cannot, then so be it. If you feel like, I don't care what my sister's done, she's my sister and I will go to the ends of the earth to make sure she feels safe and loved, then I'm getting on the phone right after you and I get on the phone.

• 37:05Dr. John Delony?

  And you can tell her, hey, I haven't slept, I haven't been, whatever. I was talking politics and talking issues and my sister's hurting and I'm sorry.

• 37:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:15Dr. John Delony?

  And I'd start there.

• 37:17Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 37:19Dr. John Delony?

  You get, you get what I'm saying?

• 37:21Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, she doesn't have to tell me any of the details. I don't need to know, but I just want her to know that I'm on, you know, I'm still her sister. Like she's still my sister.

• 37:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah. What I'm telling you is there may be intellectual differences, there may be vehement, passionate disagreements.

• 37:45Dr. John Delony?

  But if you believe that, I think your sister needs to hear, there's not a thing you can do and a place you can go that I won't love you and you're not gonna be my sister.

• 37:55Dr. John Delony?

  And if you ever want to share your story, I've made it not a place where it's a very hospitable place for you to tell your story. If you ever want to hear it, I'll hear it. I'll listen. And you might get another side of that issue, right? You might get another side of the conversation. It might not change your mind, but it might bring compassion into it.

• 38:11Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 38:12Dr. John Delony?

  That make sense?

• 38:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 38:15Dr. John Delony?

  What are you scared of? Like, knowing that somebody you talk to all the time, it surprises me you haven't called her.

• 38:22Speaker 04

  I know, I know. So, my position kinda comes from, I had a friend growing up and she, her parents made her have an abortion. And she said, you know, we were crying together and she said, "My parents made me kill my baby." And so that's, I have a lot of, I was like 14, she was 16. And I have, so it brings up that story for me.

• 38:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 38:58Speaker 04

  And that emotion. And, and so I just, I don't, I didn't want to go there. Like, I don't, I don't want to revisit that feeling.

• 39:09Dr. John Delony?

  Gotcha. And I think your sister may have wished once that you would sit with her, like you sat with your friend.

• 39:19Speaker 04

  Yeah. I didn't even know.

• 39:21Dr. John Delony?

  Right. That's exactly right.

• 39:23Speaker 04

  It's so frustrating, too. Like, it's also frustrating to be like, "Why didn't you tell me? Like, I talk to you all the time, why didn't you tell me?"

• 39:29Dr. John Delony?

  But I think it's, I think it could be one of two things. It could be that she was, didn't, it wasn't, it was her story to tell and she didn't feel it was the right time. And also, you have to look in the mirror and say, "Have I been a hospitable place?"

• 39:45Dr. John Delony?

  That she always knows that no matter what, she can come talk to me.

• 39:49Dr. John Delony?

  And that's on me. Is that, is that 100% guaranteed the truth? Maybe not. Maybe not. Maybe she's like, "No, I'm just a jerk. I like to keep that private." And I just threw a grenade at you. And you might talk to her and she's like, "No, I made the total right decision. I don't have any problem with it." Maybe that's it. Maybe she's just trying to rub it in your face.

• 40:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 40:10Dr. John Delony?

  But let that story emerge. Don't make that story up about her and then hold her accountable for it.

• 40:15Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:18Dr. John Delony?

  And to everybody out there, this isn't just you, it's everybody out there. There may be an issue or a thing that's like, I'm cutting you off.

• 40:28Dr. John Delony?

  But I cannot tell you, I can't even, I can't count the number of conversations, particularly with parents I've had over the years, who because of a particular issue, or a thought, or a this, or whatever, have come to me when their kids are graduating college, or at the end of their college term, and said the words, "I would do anything to have that conversation back."

• 40:52Speaker 04

  Mm.

• 40:53Dr. John Delony?

  "I would do anything to have those three years of silence back."

• 41:00Dr. John Delony?

  I was too, as the great Dr. Phil said, "You want to be right, or you want to have a relationship?" Is that fair?

• 41:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 41:08Dr. John Delony?

  Will you do me a huge favor?

• 41:10Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 41:11Dr. John Delony?

  Will you let me know how the call goes?

• 41:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, I will.

• 41:14Dr. John Delony?

  And do me one other favor. If she doesn't answer, which she probably won't,

• 41:20Dr. John Delony?

  don't shoot a text message, send a voice message.

• 41:24Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 41:25Dr. John Delony?

  And actually, send this text message. "Listen when you're ready."

• 41:30Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 41:31Dr. John Delony?

  And let her hear your voice.

• 41:35Dr. John Delony?

  And say what you need to say.

• 41:38Speaker 04

  That's a good one.

• 41:39Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 41:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 41:41Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Hey, by the way, she's lucky to have you as a sister.

• 41:46Speaker 04

  Oh, thanks.

• 41:47Dr. John Delony?

  I wish you hadn't have said that. I wish you hadn't have said it like that, but...

• 41:51Dr. John Delony?

  Actually, I don't...

• 41:53Speaker 04

  I'm lucky to have her as a sister.

• 41:55Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. And I don't think you saying what you think politically is a bad thing, and you taking a stand on a principled issue for you is a bad thing. It's not. Um... I think the only error here is when she hung up on you, you didn't pick the phone back up and call her right back and go, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm not losing my sister over an issue, I'm sorry."

• 42:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 42:16Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "I turned a deep pain in your life into a political issue, I'm not doing that."

• 42:22Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. Hey, listen, I'm excited to share the episodes of the Dr. John Deloney Show. The show that we spent months trying to figure out the right name. We just call it the John Deloney Show, is now available a week early in the Ramsey Network app. If you're tired of waiting that extra week, you can watch and listen, you can watch full episodes and you can listen in the Ramsey Network app. You can download it anywhere you get apps, um, Google Play Store thing, the Apple app, um, if you go out in the woods and like put both hands on a tree and just like call the spirits, I don't know, how you get the Ramsey, you can just get it anywhere you get apps, you can get it. And, um, you can, uh, let's see here, oh, you can hear what calls I'm taking next

• 43:06Dr. John Delony?

  early and free by clicking the link in the show notes. Go check it out. And the 50 days of Christmas deals go right now. Uh, they go to ramseysolutions.com/store, S-T-O-R-E. You can get Building a Non-Anxious Life on atomic discount, and you can get Questions for Humans Couples, it's gonna be on super sale, and all the other ones, Questions for Humans Intimacy, you can get all of the books, the cards, everything for Christmas, buy people stuff for Christmas that is actually gonna help them have a better life, not that's

• 43:41Dr. John Delony?

  just gonna end up in the trash. RamseySolutions.com/store, and go be kind today, extra kind. All things are going sideways. As the great Frank Turner says, "Try to be more kind." See you soon. Love you guys. Bye.