267. Rethinks: Why Authenticity Leads to Better Communication

Why being true to yourself enables you to show up better for others. From the way you communicate, to the way you build your life and career, Graham Weaver https://www.fastersmarter.io/guests/graham-weaver/, MBA ’99, says it’s about “giving yourself permission to fully be yourself. You can never go wrong when you’re saying your truth.” Weaver is a lecturer in management, a GSB alum, and the founder and a partner of Alpine Investors. He stresses the importance of direct communication, highlighting how avoiding it can lead to wasted time, energy, and even financial losses. Reflecting on his own experiences in private equity, Weaver admits to struggling with being conflict-averse and not speaking his truth directly, which resulted in getting into bad deals and big losses for his company. “People think that by being indirect, they’re being kind, but all they're doing is creating confusion,” he says. “Clarity is compassionate. Even if it's not what they want to hear, the more direct and clear you can be, the more compassionate that is for the other person.” In this Rethinks episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart https://www.fastersmarter.io/, Weaver and host Matt Abrahams explore how being true to oneself not only fosters personal fulfillment but also enables us to show up better for others. Authenticity and self-belief lay the foundation for effective communication, leadership, and ultimately, success. Episode Reference Links: Graham Weaver https://www.fastersmarter.io/guests/graham-weaver/ Connect: Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart Premium https://www.fastersmarter.io/premium/Email Questions & Feedback >>> [email protected] Transcripts >>>Think Fast Talk Smart Website https://www.fastersmarter.io/267-rethinks-why-authenticity-leads-to-better-communication/Newsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>>FasterSmarter.io http://fastersmarter.io/Think Fast Talk Smart >>>LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/company/think-fast-talk-smart/,Instagram https://www.instagram.com/thinkfasttalksmart/, YouTube https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6caGRBUYZCmgDGM2RK6mxKB9jG_ccmm3Matt Abrahams >>>LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/maabrahams/ Chapters: (00:00) - Introduction (02:29) - Direct Communication & Limiting Beliefs (05:39) - The Internal Game (06:44) - An Asymmetrical Life (11:56) - Taylor Swift & Grit (14:50) - Pursuing Enlightenment (17:54) - The Final Three Questions (24:51) - Conclusion ******** Thank you to our sponsors. These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost. Learn more about how Notion https://www.notion.com/?utm_source=podcasts&utm_medium=thinkfast can support your business at notion.com/thinkfast. https://www.notion.com/?utm_source=podcasts&utm_medium=thinkfast Join our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community and become the communicator you want to be. https://learning.fastersmarter.io/?redirect_from=podpage

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Matt Abrahams?

  In the moment, conflict is difficult for everyone. In our October newsletter, out now, you will learn ways to help yourself handle these challenges better. Not only do you get specific advice, we're also providing an infographic to help you remember. Find our newsletter on the Think Fast, Talk Smart LinkedIn page or at fastersmarter.io under Resources. Authenticity is a key ingredient in successful communication. But what is authenticity and how do we find it? My name is Matt Abrahams and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to this rethinks episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.

• 0:42Matt Abrahams?

  We're opening up our vault and resharing a really insightful conversation I had with fellow GSB lecturer Graham Weaver. Graham suggests that effective leadership and communication excellence are impossible without first mastering self-awareness and overcoming personal barriers. Take a listen to more of his ideas in this enlightening discussion. Today, I look forward to speaking with Graham Weaver. Graham is a lecturer in management at the GSB as well as a GSB alum. He teaches managing growing enterprises and managerial skills. Graham is a very popular teacher and has been invited multiple times to present in the graduation last lecture series. Graham, thanks for being here.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  Thanks so much for having me, Matt.

• 1:23Matt Abrahams?

  I look forward to the conversation. Are you ready to get started?

• 1:26Speaker 01

  Let's do this.

• 1:26Matt Abrahams?

  All right. You teach managing growing enterprises. What are two takeaways from your class that would help our listeners and their companies as they seek to grow and scale?

• 1:36Speaker 01

  So number one would be the power of really direct communication. So this sounds so cliche that I even hate to say it, but people just waste time and energy and money by being indirect. They think that by being indirect or being kind, but all they're doing is creating confusion. So I'll give you an example for us at Alpine. You know, I really struggled with this. I'm very conflict averse. I don't like, you know, saying something that's going to upset someone. So for a lot of times I would dance around things and it led us to do some bad deals because I just was kind of like, what do you think? Are you sure you think this is a good deal? You know, kind of like that. When what I was really saying is I hate this deal. I just couldn't be that direct and

• 2:21Speaker 01

  literally I am that direct now. And that cost us, you know, millions of dollars in the early years where I, I just wasn't comfortable saying my truth. And so in this class, we just do this over and over again, where we get students in the habit of saying your truth. You can never go wrong when you're saying what is true. And then we talk about how to do that in a way where people can feel safe and valued, but you still got to lead with that truth. So that's probably the biggest. The second one is going to be completely different. And so what I started teaching this class for a number of years, I would teach this class on entrepreneurship. And then I realized that people learn all these tools about entrepreneurship, but no one would actually go become an entrepreneur, even though that's their vision. That's what they wrote on their essay. That's what they

• 3:04Speaker 01

  wanted to do. So I realized there's another part of this class, which is, hey, what is going to stand in the way of you actually going and pursuing your dream? And so I added this entire component to the class, which is two things. First is let's spend time and energy with students on really getting them to understand what their dream is. What would they do if they knew they wouldn't fail? What are their superpowers? What is the thing that is easy for them? That's hard for other people or that feels like play for them? That's work for others? Or, you know, like, we spend a lot of time helping them really understand it. And a lot of times, it's, it's not the, it's not the standard, you know, thing that is pitched here. Like, it's not the consulting job. It's something

• 3:46Speaker 01

  very, very different. So getting them really clear on that. And then, this is really critical, is, is they get flooded then with all these limiting beliefs. Not me, not I don't have an experience. I might fail. How do I raise money? How do I pay off my loans? I can't do this. You know, my roommate's brother tried this and failed. All these things flood in almost immediately. And we actually take, we have a whole class where we take those limiting beliefs. We put them down. We look at them in the cold light of day and we start dealing with them. Because if you, we gotta name them because limiting beliefs is really fear and it, and it has more power when it's just in the recesses of your subconscious mind. So we get it down, we look at it and we try to overcome it.

• 4:28Speaker 01

  So those are two things that very different, direct communication and then, you know, figuring out your limiting beliefs and overcoming those that, that might help people.

• 4:36Matt Abrahams?

  I find it really interesting that in a class about enterprises, what you're really talking about are interpersonal skills and interpersonal information. I think that for everybody to think for a moment, what would you do if failure wasn't limiting you? I, I think that's a wonderful way to get people to reframe what they're doing. And I love that you are taking time to have people call up those limiting beliefs because you can't address things you're not consciously aware of.

• 4:59Speaker 01

  So I'm 51 now and I've been in private equity 29 years. I've gone, you know, I went to Stanford and I teach here. And the longer that life goes on for me, the more I realize that most of this game we're playing is really an internal game first and foremost. And it presents itself as this external game where, you know, we have to do all these things and pay off debt and all this. But it really starts with being an internal game. And, and the more you can master that first, you know, the, the more success you're gonna have. And almost no matter what you do externally, at some point, you're gonna have to master that internal game.

• 5:41Matt Abrahams?

  Absolutely. And I think I see that in the work I do. You know, we, a lot of what we do is focus on how you message things externally, but it really starts with what's going on in your own head, in your own mind. You recently delivered a GSP last lecture on living an asymmetrical life. And congrats, by the way, it's quite an honor to speak at a last lecture. What do you mean by an asymmetrical life? And how can we achieve that?

• 6:04Speaker 01

  Well, I use the analogy of investing. After being a professional investor for 29 years, you end up with these wildly asymmetric outcomes. So you don't end up with like a whole bunch of, you know, two or three X deals. You end up with some okay ones and then some just gargantuan home runs. If you look at Warren Buffett, for example, I think through 1988, he had half of his public market gains that in his whole history were from two stocks, GEICO and Washington Post. So you end up with these wildly asymmetric outcomes, which you can explain when you say, okay, you got this criteria right. You had the right market, the right management team, a big enough TAM, high returns on invested capital. You figured out a way to buy companies. You have a playbook, you know, and each time you stack another one of those, you're creating like log rhythmic type outcomes, not linear.

• 6:48Speaker 01

  And the more you stack on, the more log rhythmic it becomes. So then I started looking at my own life and, and kind of looking at it through that lens of what could create asymmetric outcomes in life. And I came up with four things. So the first one is do hard things. And the reason that's on there is that the thing that is keeping you where you are from your next plateau is something that you either don't want to do or you fear. So that's why you're stuck where you are right now. It's one of those two things, maybe both, probably both. And if you go after that thing, generally speaking, your life is going to get worse first. So if your thing, for example, is that you need to end a relationship that's not going well.

• 7:32Speaker 01

  You know, if you just woke up tomorrow and stayed in the relationship, everything's fine, but if, but five years from now, it's going to be worse. But if you wake up tomorrow instead and do the hard thing, have the hard conversation, have the breakup, you're going to be lonely, you're going to have to, you know, have that difficulty. But then you're going to emerge and get to that next plateau. So that applies to everything. And I had this quote that I like to say, which is everything you want in this life is on the other side of worse first. And the second one is, so number one is do hard things. Number two is do your thing. And so you're not gonna be amazing at this life, trying to live someone else's life. And when you find that thing that you are really excited about, you just show up differently. I worked at a, at a job, you know, I took the safe job when I graduated from school. And I just felt a part of me die.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  And if you'd asked me at the time when I was in that job, what percent of your potential are you unleashing right now, Graham? I probably would've said like, oh, 60, 70%. Now that I'm actually doing the thing I want to be doing, I look back and I'd say, no, it was more like 4%. And so when you're doing something you're excited about, that's your thing, you're just gonna show up differently. And importantly, you're gonna stay with it for a lot longer, which is really the key, which is point three, which is do it for decades. Do your thing for a long time. Like the, if you are getting a little, even a little bit better, we have CEOs who have been running their company for 15 years and they're better in year 15 than they were in 14, better in 14 than they were in 13. And, you know, 15 years in, when you're improving, you could be the best in the world at something. But you have, but it goes with doing hard things, doing your thing, and then you will be more likely to do it for, for decades.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  And the fourth one, which kind of sits on top of everything is, write your story. So what most people do, if you ask them to write a book about their life, they would look back and they would kind of start talking about these events, almost like the events happened to them. And then this happened, and then this happened, and this happened. We have managers, by the way, who do this. Oh yeah, how'd your quarter go? Well, this happened, and then this happened, and this happened. It's like, well, what if you just did it the other way around? What if you write the story first that you want to have happen? Why don't you just do that? Like, just starting today from wherever you are, write your story about what you want the story to be for the next 5, 10, 15, 20, or your life. You know, write that story and then make that story happen.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  And the magical thing happens is, the more clear you can get on that story, the more likely it's gonna be to happen. So those are the four things that I, I feel like if you stack those on top of each other, you can have, you know, basically anything that you want in this life.

• 9:59Matt Abrahams?

  I love that it's a playbook and I love that it's all about initiative and willing to go through the hard stuff to get to the good stuff and plotting a course in advance of actually doing it to sort of focus you, but also set expectations. And in what you said, I heard a lot of just get to it. Don't, don't waste time. And I, I love this idea of an asymmetrical life and I hope everybody listening thinks about those four steps and considers, you know, addressing them, maybe not in that order, maybe, maybe not right away, but put yourself on a path to do that.

• 10:35Speaker 01

  Any one of those steps will improve your life dramatically. Any of those four. If you just do hard things, if you just do your thing, if you just write your story, any one of those will make a dramatic difference in your life. But if you run the table on all four, that's what I'm saying, you can unlock just about anything you want.

• 10:53Matt Abrahams?

  I, I love your passion. I love your ideas and, and I see that in your blogs. I enjoy reading your blogs. It's a lot of fun. You're a very engaging writer and I, I learn a lot from them as I'm learning from our conversation. I have to say, I was struck by one of your blogs that was all about you attending a Taylor Swift concert. And I'm really curious to have you share with our audience, the lessons you learned while you were grooving and shaking it off with Taylor Swift.

• 11:20Speaker 01

  That's my favorite song, actually. Shake It Off by, by Taylor Swift. So in 2018, Taylor Swift was snubbed for the Grammys. You know, she wasn't nominated and there's this, this video of her where she is on the phone with her agent and she is just crestfallen and like you just watch all the energy drain from her face. And then right after that, she goes through this really tough public disaster with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian about, you know, can she use lyric or can they use her lyrics on the song and does she approve it? And, and they're, and the number one trending hashtag on Twitter, number one was Taylor Swift is over. Can you imagine being her at that point? You're, you're like in your twenties and the number one trending hashtag in the world is your demise.

• 12:05Speaker 01

  That's how much people have this venom. And so what does she do? Okay. She, you know, what would most people do? They'd probably. Go, you know, they probably have this thing, I'm a victim, I have, you know, I'm gonna blame, you know, Kanye West and that, you know, this woe is me. And, and she probably had moments where she felt some of that. I'm sure she did. But instead, she, she said, you know what? I just need to make a better record. That's what she said. She says that on film. I, I guess I need to make a better record. And so between 2018 and 2022, um, she, she put out more songs than she ever did in her whole life, on the back of that. And I'm, I guarantee you, there were days when she just had the covers over her, didn't want to get out of bed, but she put her helmet

• 12:47Speaker 01

  on, goes to work and just put one foot in front of the other and did it again and again and again. And then she won more awards for the work she did in that time period than any other time she's had in her life. And I think, you know, people don't see that. They just see her in her concert, and it's a billion dollar concert, and here's all these lights, and wow, what a great dancer, and she's got so much music. But my, my, my all time favorite quote, I, I, I write quotes on my board every day in class. I'm a huge collector of quotes. I post them almost every day on social media. My all time favorite quote, Michelangelo, you know, sculpted the David, paints the Sistine Chapel, and he says, "If people knew how hard I worked to gain my mastery, it wouldn't seem so

• 13:27Speaker 01

  wonderful." And I think people see Taylor Swift's mastery, but they don't see all the stuff that went into it. So I just, anyway, I'm inspired by everything she does, but I just thought that one story of her is really just a story of grit. It's not about talent or, you know, her music or anything. It's just about like her just and her resolve. Anyway, she's one of my heroes.

• 13:48Matt Abrahams?

  I think that notion, uh, well, one, I think it's great that, that you, you take a lesson beyond just the fun and enjoyment of her music. But the, the tenacity and the belief in yourself and just hunkering down and doing it, I think there's a lesson for all of us. And the point about mastery is really fascinating. We've, we had a whole episode about mastery and, and really what goes into it. And, and it's a lot of work, and it's a lot of things that people don't see. You write a lot about your desire to continue growing and improving. What's one thing that you're working on right now?

• 14:19Speaker 01

  So yeah, great question. So I had this really interesting conversation with my friend of mine a couple of years ago, and we were just kind of having banter. And she asked me, she said, you know, if you, if you could have one superpower, what would that be? And so I was kind of like, oh, that'd be kind of cool to read someone's mind or, you know, whatever. And I was playing and then and all of a sudden it got a little bit deeper. And I said, well, what is actually a superpower I could really develop? And what I came up with, the word I came up with was, you know, enlightenment, you know, what if, what if I were just more enlightened, you know, because what I started to realize, and I think this is true for everybody is, you know, your whole life is unfolding as externally and there's events and there's situations. And

• 15:02Speaker 01

  then that life goes through a filter, which is your mind. And then, and then what you're processing is your interpretation of those events. So this, this thing happened. Is this good? Is this bad? Is this consistent with what I thought was going to happen? Am I upset about this? You know, do I feel good about this? You know, what, what's the story I have about how my life is supposed to go? What's the story I have about what's, you know, what's, what's going to make me happy or successful? What's the story I have about other people think about me? And like, I just started to realize like, all of that story I'm creating myself. And that filter is like, pretty much 100% in my control. And so a lot more of my life is in my control than I realized. So I started going on this journey, which has been amazing. So I've been

• 15:44Speaker 01

  studying a lot of Buddhism. I've been going on meditation retreats, doing journaling and coaching. I've been meditating a lot more than I ever did. And it's, it is, it is the best journey, I think, probably maybe the most important journey that anyone could go on. So I'm not, I'm not there. I'm not a enlightened individual. I don't know if I ever will be, but I definitely am at least getting closer than maybe I was before I started this journey.

• 16:07Matt Abrahams?

  I appreciate you sharing that because that, for many people, that's a very personal quest. And, and the tools that you're using are tools that, that I personally do a lot of meditating and reflecting. And I find there is a lot of value. And I think in a world that we live in, in a place that we live in, we can get very distracted by lots of shiny objects and ideas, and to really ground ourselves. I like that.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  You know, it's kind of like, for me at least, it's kind of like brushing your teeth. You know, you can't just brush your teeth for eight hours on January 1st. And then say, I'm good for the year, you know? So it's like, it's like, almost like I start over every single morning. And have to kind of reprogram and re meditate, take a cold shower, you know, write in the journal, do it again. But it, but it does, it has made a huge difference.

• 16:51Matt Abrahams?

  We'll be right back to finish our conversation. But first, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsors. Their support covers the cost of production, so we can bring you this show for free. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. The best communicators don't just get their message across. They make it easy for people to know what to do next. Your website can do the same thing. With Squarespace, you can build a polished online presence that clearly shows people who you are, what you offer, and how they can work with you. If you offer coaching, consulting, classes, or other services, Squarespace lets you showcase those offerings, take payments, and use Acuity Scheduling so people can book time with you directly. And with built-in analytics, you can see how people are finding and engaging with your site,

• 17:36Matt Abrahams?

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• 18:18Matt Abrahams?

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• 18:55Matt Abrahams?

  Before we end, Graham, I'd like to ask you some questions. The first question I'm going to make up specifically for you, and then the others are common questions I ask everybody. You up for that?

• 19:03Speaker 01

  Let's do it.

• 19:04Matt Abrahams?

  So number one, you're a leader. You teach new leaders and work with many. What differentiates an exceptional leader from just an average leader?

• 19:13Speaker 01

  I would say ultimately, when you get past all the tactical things, the very, very exceptional leaders give themselves permission to fully be themselves. So I'll give you a very simple example in my own life. So I started, I was asked to teach at Stanford Business School. And so my first couple of years, I went and watched all the amazing professors here and learned and wrote notes and everything. And for the first few years, I really tried to mimic them. And you know, Irv Grossbeck was a mentor of mine. And so I tried to do everything that he did. And I didn't do very well at all. And at some point, I had this conversation with my executive coach, who said, you know, Graham, you're going to be a C plus version of Irv Grossbeck,

• 19:57Speaker 01

  but you can be an A plus version of Graham Weaver, and that's enough. And I think it was the that's enough part that I didn't believe, which is why I was trying to mimic someone else. And so I think, you know, if you're in a leadership role, you're there for a reason. You know, you are an incredibly special person, and you're different than anyone else. And those differences are what make you amazing. And giving yourself permission to fully be yourself is going to be where you're this incredible light, and you're going to do something different than someone someone has never done before. And so I think it is that permission, and it is realizing like, that's enough.

• 20:40Matt Abrahams?

  That's really powerful, that we just need to be ourselves. And through being ourselves, we can succeed in teaching, in leadership, in lots of other areas, but we get in our own way. Question number two. Who is a communicator that you admire and why?

• 20:57Speaker 01

  I'll go with Irv Grossbeck, who teaches here. So Irv, I think he's been teaching here for 35, 40 years. And he was a very successful businessman before that, probably best known for owning the Celtics or being one of the owners of the Boston Celtics. Anyway, he was my professor here. I was a case guest in his class for 12 years and he was also the one who got me into teaching. In terms of his communication, he just models exactly what I would want to teach others and what I want to do for myself, which is he's super direct. He's clear, he's authentic, he's himself. And then, and then like when you're in his presence, you just feel like you're the most important person in the world and that you're the only person in the world for that period of time when you're with him. He just makes you feel that way.

• 21:41Speaker 01

  And he's always been the voice of you can, you can do this and I believe in you. And that, that might sound cliche, but when there's someone like that, that you admire in your early twenties and trying to start a business and it's not going that well, you know, having someone like that just kind of keep you grounded and reminding you that you got this, you know, he's, he's just been unbelievable. So he would be the person I'd pick.

• 22:05Matt Abrahams?

  Yeah. So Irv has got quite the reputation around here. And many people say and share exactly what you did is when you're speaking with him, you are in that spotlight and feel that it is just you and him in that conversation. And, and that's a, that's a very powerful thing to, to feel like you have somebody's full attention and that they're really there for you. Final question. What are the first three ingredients that go into a successful communication recipe?

• 22:33Speaker 01

  So the, the first one would be understanding what is your truth? What is, what is your, what is your truth? What do you want to say about this situation? Getting clear on that. Giving yourself a little bit of space where you're not reacting, but you're, you're kind of realizing what is your highest value and what is the thing you want to say? And then speak that truth is number one. Two would be create safety. You know, people are going to hear that feedback when they're safe. And you know, the opposite of that would be they're not going to hear anything if they feel attacked or they feel belittled or something. So focus on, you know, Matt, the reason I want to address this with you is I really care about our relationship and I want to see you at this company for a long period of time. You know, that that's what I mean by safety.

• 23:16Speaker 01

  And then third is be clear on what you're asking. So like, we're having a conversation. So what, you know? What is the specific thing that I'm asking of you? Or, or, or what are the next action items? People forget that and they leave thinking they had this whole conversation. The other person's like, oh yeah, that was lovely, but they missed the whole point. So I think those are, those would be the three. And I think, I think clarity is compassionate. So the more clear, even if it's not what they want to hear, the more direct and clear you can be, the more compassionate that is for the other person.

• 23:52Matt Abrahams?

  I love that idea of clarity leads to compassion. It's, it's operationalized compassion in some way. As you have alluded to in many of your responses, it's really about introspection first. What's your truth? What needs to be done? And, and that is striking. And I want to make sure everybody hears that, that you are better with others when you are first true to yourself and know what that is. And then being clear and creating safe space for you to have those conversations. Graham, this has been fantastic. I really appreciate the opportunity to chat with you. The idea that we have to look within before we, we manage people externally really makes sense. I love your energy. I love that you both meditate and love Taylor Swift and that you can learn from both.

• 24:36Matt Abrahams?

  So thank you for your time and thank you for your insight.

• 24:38Speaker 01

  Thanks for having me, Matt. It was a lot of fun.

• 24:42Matt Abrahams?

  Thank you for joining us for a special Rethinks episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. This episode was produced by Catherine Reed, Ryan Campos and me, Matt Abrahams. Our music is from Floyd Wonder with special thanks to Podium Podcast Company. Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe and rate. Also follow us on LinkedIn and Instagram and check out fastersmarter.io for deep dive videos, English language learning content, and our newsletter. Please also consider joining our Think Fast, Talk Smart learning community at fastersmarter.io/learning. You'll find video lessons, learning quests, discussion boards, our AI coaches, and book club.

• 25:26Matt Abrahams?

  Before we wrap up, I just want to say thank you for listening. It really means a lot to hear how people all over the world are using these ideas in their own lives. It inspires me and the whole team that brings you this show. If you want more episodes and resources, feel free to follow, subscribe, and explore past conversations. We're grateful for your support of Think Fast, Talk Smart.