Kevin Nealon Returns Again

Actor and comedian Kevin Nealon feels absolutely duped about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Kevin sits down with Conan once more to discuss producing the documentary Come See Me in the Good Light, planning their road trip together, taking risks in life, and learning new words. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

  The holidays are supposed to be about making memories, not managing the mess that comes with them. Between winter weather, road trips, shopping and family gatherings, your vehicle can take a beating. Mine sure does.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  Same.

• 0:14Conan O'Brien?

  Especially when I'm back in the Northeast, driving around. I mean, I grew up with that.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:18Conan O'Brien?

  Cars were red, the salt on the road, people throwing rocks at me.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  Whaaat?

• 0:23Conan O'Brien?

  That's not a weather thing. That's more of a me being, making people angry. Problem. WeatherTech helps protect your vehicle from snow, slush, salt and seasonal messes. They also make the best gifts for automobile protection, from floor liners and cargo liner to side window deflectors, even gift cards. Great for today and to prevent future messes. Everything is built to last, easy to clean and designed for harsh winter conditions, okay? I grew up with this.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:49Conan O'Brien?

  And the salt would eat away the car. We actually did have a Chevy. My dad had a Chevy Impala and the floor rusted out and you could see the road going by.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Oh, what?

• 0:58Conan O'Brien?

  We were praying for WeatherTech and we didn't even know it. That was before it existed.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  That's cool.

• 1:03Conan O'Brien?

  So get a gift today at weathertech.com.

• 1:09Conan O'Brien?

  Now Sona, clearly I'm a very important person to you.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:14Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 1:20Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 1:22Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 1:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, that jacket, nice jacket.

• 1:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it. Cause you said you would.

• 1:30Speaker 01

  Aw man, I didn't know you were doing that. I didn't know you were trapping me.

• 1:33Conan O'Brien?

  I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:44Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more all in one place. You can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 2:09Speaker 02

  Hi, my name is Kevin Nealon.

• 2:13Speaker 02

  And I feel absolutely duped about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

• 2:18Conan O'Brien?

  Terrible thing to say.

• 2:41Conan O'Brien?

  Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. It's me, Conan O'Brien, joined by Sona Mobsession. And of course, Matt Gourley. How are you?

• 2:51Speaker 03

  I'm...

• 2:52Conan O'Brien?

  Both. Sona? I'm ju-

• 2:53Speaker 03

  We're, we're good.

• 2:54Conan O'Brien?

  Good. Good. Wow. We can't even do that part. If we can't do that part, what does that say for the rest of the show?

• 3:00Speaker 03

  Uh, well, this show in particular is, uh, gonna be falling right in line with that.

• 3:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, probably.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:06Conan O'Brien?

  Given who's on, yes.

• 3:07Speaker 03

  What have you been up to lately? Where have you been? You just came back and you look snow kissed.

• 3:12Conan O'Brien?

  Right. That's right. I was molested

• 3:17Conan O'Brien?

  by a snowman. Uh, I, um, I just did a quick, very quick 24-hour trip to Utah because I participated in the Sundance Film Festival. Never did that before.

• 3:31Speaker 03

  That's cool.

• 3:31Conan O'Brien?

  Because you're in a movie. I'm in a movie. Uh, I think it was maybe two years ago, I was approached by this, uh, very talented, uh, writer-director named Mary Bronstein, and she had a script called, "If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You." And, uh, it's a very different movie, and I read the script and I thought, "Wow, this is very powerful, very cool," and, uh, my part is not necessarily comedic, per se.

• 3:58Speaker 03

  So you're acting, you're not doing a cameo as Conan O'Brien?

• 4:01Conan O'Brien?

  No, I'm not Conan O'Brien. No, I'm, I'm-

• 4:03Speaker 03

  This is incredible.

• 4:03Conan O'Brien?

  And so I was, uh, I, I honestly, uh, I think I tried to talk her out of it. It's an A-24 film.

• 4:10Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 4:11Conan O'Brien?

  It's, uh, uh, very prestigious, I, I think. It's coming from this great company. And, uh, Rose Byrne, who I absolutely adore, is, uh, is the star. She carries "the picture," as they would say back in the day. And, um, it was a fascinating process to do it. Mary did an incredible job. I had not seen the movie, so I flew in, uh, with David Hopping. And was walking through Park City, Utah. It's this whole thing. There, I mean, the streets are just clogged with people and film fans. And I guess people knew I was coming. So I've never seen so many people with parkas that had Simpsons stills of me with Bart.

• 4:55Speaker 03

  Oh, those guys.

• 4:56Conan O'Brien?

  To sign, those guys, but and little knickknacks and things to sign and a pimp bot T-shirt. I mean, I just pictured them coming over mountain passes with, with Conan paraphernalia. But they were all very nice. So that was strange. And then to, to go in and do a red carpet and then go into the theater and sit down and watch the movie start.

• 5:22Speaker 03

  I have two questions that are the same question.

• 5:24Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 5:25Speaker 03

  Were you nervous to do serious acting? And then were you nervous to watch yourself do serious acting?

• 5:30Conan O'Brien?

  I was certainly nervous to do it. And then I had a weird detachment. It's very different from anything I've done before. So, you know, everything I do is comedy, just everything. So you know, because if you're watching it with an audience, or if I'm performing it in front of an audience, the laughter is what tells you how it's going. This is not one of those experiences.

• 5:56Speaker 03

  People weren't sobbing audibly.

• 5:59Conan O'Brien?

  I was, just because of my eye vein was so giant.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  Oh, jeez.

• 6:04Conan O'Brien?

  No, I, I think I was nervous and I took it really seriously and I didn't wanna, I mean, I'm working with Rose Byrne and she absolutely kills it in this movie. She's spectacular and the reviews that she's had are amazing.

• 6:18Speaker 03

  What do you play? What's your character?

• 6:19Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a therapist.

• 6:20Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 6:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I don't wanna say, I don't wanna say too much, but I'm a therapist for her character who's going through a lot of distress. And I was very detached from seeing myself. I just thought, oh, there's, I don't know, that guy.

• 6:34Speaker 01

  Are you method?

• 6:35Conan O'Brien?

  No, I have not method. But I mean, I just, I wasn't, I don't know. I don't, I felt a little detached from seeing myself. I wasn't as interested in seeing myself as I was in what Rose Byrne is so riveting in this role. And I know I'm biased because I'm in the movie, but then all these reviews came out that really shone a light on her performance, which made me very happy.

• 7:02Speaker 03

  Well, when can we, the general public, see this movie?

• 7:04Conan O'Brien?

  That's a really good question. I think probably sometime, maybe this spring. I don't know. And the thing is, this is also alien to me. So I don't know anything about the movie business. I've never aspired to be an actor. That was never a dream of mine.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, why did she think of you?

• 7:23Speaker 01

  Why did she, why did, why did she think of you?

• 7:25Conan O'Brien?

  It's a, she, I mean, Mary Bronstein, maybe when the movie comes out, she could come and talk about it.

• 7:31Speaker 01

  Okay. I don't want to be insulting to you. It's just, you don't.

• 7:34Conan O'Brien?

  You just were. But you're also right. It's the exact right question. And I think I was glad that the consensus is that I don't get in the way, you know, the consensus is that.

• 7:48Speaker 03

  I'm sure it's better than that.

• 7:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. But, but I was, I'm really proud of what Mary Bronstein pulled off and just blown away by, by Rose Byrne, who could not be more humble. At one point, she excused herself and like climbed over some furniture because there was a, you know, everyone was having drinks afterwards, all these A24 people and film people. She was like, oh, sorry, sorry, excuse me. Oh, pardon me, you know, and she, and I was watching her and she's so humble and just, hope I'm not bothering anyone.

• 8:19Speaker 01

  I love her so much.

• 8:19Conan O'Brien?

  And, you know, she's very beautiful and then just, I think, top, top tier actor, just incredible ability. And she walked away and I said to Mary, the thing I love about her the most is that she doesn't know she's Rose Byrne. Like, no, no sense of entitlement. No, I mean, no sense that, and when I, I mean, when you try and compliment her, ah, come on, mate, you know.

• 8:48Speaker 01

  Is that your Australian accent?

• 8:49Conan O'Brien?

  That was it.

• 8:50Speaker 03

  That was pretty good.

• 8:51Conan O'Brien?

  But anyway, uh, she, uh, I, I looking forward to people seeing the film and, and, uh, watch Shemiel, I'll be in there a little bit.

• 9:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:01Speaker 03

  I'm excited.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  That's so cool.

• 9:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:02Speaker 01

  It's cool you went to Sundance.

• 9:04Conan O'Brien?

  You know, I have to say, I've done two things in the space of about six months that were both unusual experiences. And this is the part of my career that I'm really enjoying, which is just trying things. And, um, there was this movie that I shot, uh, that's just coming out now. But after, but about six months ago or seven months ago, uh, I did, um, the Newport Folk Festival and played music and headlined it with a bunch of musicians and had one of the great experiences of my life. And so just getting to do a few of these things that are completely outside my comfort zone are really fun.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:44Conan O'Brien?

  And, uh, my tryouts for the NBA.

• 9:46Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 9:47Speaker 03

  Inspiration.

• 9:48Conan O'Brien?

  Really?

• 9:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:49Conan O'Brien?

  Wow. The Spurs are looking.

• 9:51Speaker 03

  It's never too late.

• 9:52Conan O'Brien?

  The Spurs are looking for a six foot, four inch.

• 9:55Speaker 01

  Water boy.

• 10:01Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I think I could do it. I'd be a real good water boy.

• 10:07Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, this will be interesting. My guest today, uh, he and I have, I don't know what you'd call our chemistry.

• 10:12Speaker 03

  Well, I like that this intro was kind of like measured and, and straightforward because what you're about to hear.

• 10:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 10:18Speaker 03

  Doesn't just go off the deep end. It presumes there's even a bottom to the end.

• 10:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yes. This, uh, uh, this gentleman and I, when we get together, uh, I don't know what you'd call it. Uh, it might be lethal. I don't know. Uh, but he's a hilarious comedian. He's a very good friend of mine. Uh, I adore him. Uh, he, uh, I met him when he was a cast member on Saturday Night Live. He started the Showtime series Weeds. He has a, uh, a show called, uh, Hiking with Kevin, which I've done, uh, which is really fun. And, um, I think that's coming to Fox Nation. Uh, and our conversations are unique.

• 11:01Conan O'Brien?

  So I'm excited he's here. Kevin Nealon, welcome.

• 11:07Conan O'Brien?

  I respect you, I revere you. You're easily one of the funniest people I've ever known. I met you back in 1988.

• 11:14Speaker 02

  First of all, do you like to be referred to as Conan, or Team Coco, or Coco? I mean, how many names? Do you have licenses for all those?

• 11:21Conan O'Brien?

  I do, they're all licensed. Conan, the name Conan, I licensed in 1967.

• 11:26Speaker 02

  What about COB?

• 11:27Conan O'Brien?

  COB, I've got that too.

• 11:28Speaker 02

  Capital letters?

• 11:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 11:29Speaker 02

  I'm sorry, you were saying about me?

• 11:31Conan O'Brien?

  I said that you were a time waster.

• 11:34Speaker 02

  In 88, 1988?

• 11:35Conan O'Brien?

  1988, I met you at Saturday Night Live. You were my favorite of the performers then.

• 11:40Speaker 02

  Still?

• 11:41Conan O'Brien?

  Then. Subsequent work has proven to be a bit of a disappointment. But I, I love you. I'm gonna look you in the eye and tell you that I love you. As a friend, as a tormentor, I love you. And I love having you on the podcast, because you bring out a different side of me, an angry side, a petty side.

• 12:01Speaker 02

  You are looking at me, because I see for once your eyes are blue, and I've never known that before.

• 12:04Conan O'Brien?

  Because we don't look at each other.

• 12:06Speaker 02

  I'm looking at you right now.

• 12:07Conan O'Brien?

  Well, you're, you're blinking a lot.

• 12:10Speaker 02

  I'm sending SOS to Sona.

• 12:12Conan O'Brien?

  You're sending a signal.

• 12:17Conan O'Brien?

  Really, you're very blinky today. I don't know what's going on.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  I do tend to blink a lot.

• 12:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 12:21Speaker 02

  I watch myself sometimes in TV shows.

• 12:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 12:24Speaker 02

  And I find myself blinking a lot.

• 12:26Conan O'Brien?

  So you watch your appearances on TV shows a lot?

• 12:28Speaker 02

  I can't help it.

• 12:32Conan O'Brien?

  They're that good. They're that good.

• 12:34Speaker 02

  I am good, actually, except for the blinking. So, listen to me.

• 12:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 12:38Speaker 02

  Let's get down to it.

• 12:40Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? I've been hoping we would get down to it, and this is the time to do it.

• 12:43Speaker 02

  Let me just tell you something about how you've kind of come into my life a lot unexpectedly, and not... So whenever I am about to see you, I always second guess what I'm wearing. Because you commented once when I wore... Do you know what I'm talking about?

• 13:02Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 13:03Speaker 02

  I was at your house, or I met you for lunch or something, and I had a sweater on, a V-neck sweater, with no t-shirt under it.

• 13:10Conan O'Brien?

  Which was a mistake.

• 13:11Speaker 02

  And you were so annoyed.

• 13:12Conan O'Brien?

  I was annoyed because I saw, like, a big V part of your chest.

• 13:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's called a body.

• 13:20Conan O'Brien?

  Well, then we got a problem. Houston, we got a problem. Is that funny? Remember that movie?

• 13:28Conan O'Brien?

  We, uh...

• 13:28Speaker 02

  You watch a lot of space movies?

• 13:30Conan O'Brien?

  I do. Let's not get up on that cul-de-sac. Let's stick to your chest. It bothered me.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  You didn't even see my chest.

• 13:37Conan O'Brien?

  Everyone knows you wear a T-shirt and then you put a light sweater over it.

• 13:42Speaker 02

  No.

• 13:42Conan O'Brien?

  Especially when we're a certain...

• 13:44Speaker 01

  I actually, I think it can go either way.

• 13:46Conan O'Brien?

  But what about when you're a certain vintage? I looked you up online. You were born March 3rd, 1931.

• 13:52Speaker 02

  Now you're way out.

• 13:53Conan O'Brien?

  And you were a very important part of the Truman administration. No one wants to see...

• 13:59Speaker 02

  Here's what I don't like about the way you dress, may I?

• 14:01Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah.

• 14:02Speaker 02

  You wear those thin T-shirts.

• 14:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 14:03Speaker 02

  So your nipples are popping out.

• 14:06Conan O'Brien?

  That's right.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  And nobody wants to see deep cocoa nipples.

• 14:09Conan O'Brien?

  I need people...

• 14:11Speaker 02

  You know what I'm saying?

• 14:12Conan O'Brien?

  I want people to know that I'm a sexual being.

• 14:16Speaker 02

  How are they gonna know that?

• 14:18Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna see my nipples. If they see my nipples, they'll know.

• 14:21Speaker 02

  Let me ask you this.

• 14:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 14:21Speaker 02

  Do you have a favorite when it comes to your nipples?

• 14:26Speaker 02

  Do you like one over the other?

• 14:31Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna say I like the left one maybe a little more.

• 14:34Speaker 02

  Now, listen to me. My chest.

• 14:36Conan O'Brien?

  Why do you keep...

• 14:36Speaker 02

  You don't even see my chest.

• 14:38Conan O'Brien?

  You have the microphone and you keep saying, "Now, listen to me."

• 14:42Speaker 02

  Because you interrupt me every time I try to talk.

• 14:44Conan O'Brien?

  Go ahead. Go ahead. So the floor is yours, Senator.

• 14:48Speaker 02

  Go ahead. When you're finished, I'll continue what I was saying.

• 14:50Conan O'Brien?

  I'm done.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  Okay. Let's go back to the V-neck. Someone has a V-neck on and...

• 14:56Conan O'Brien?

  She has a strap underneath.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  I don't.

• 14:57Speaker 02

  I don't even have any cleavage. And I'm not hiding anything.

• 15:00Speaker 01

  What's not...

• 15:00Speaker 02

  I mean, if you take care of your body, maybe you know this. If you take care of your body, you're not afraid to show some, you know, masculinity.

• 15:07Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I don't...

• 15:09Speaker 02

  What if I wore a V-neck T-shirt under the V-neck sweater? Does that count?

• 15:13Conan O'Brien?

  No, it doesn't, actually. It doesn't.

• 15:15Speaker 02

  That's called layering.

• 15:16Conan O'Brien?

  I don't wanna see... I didn't, I just, I wasn't prepared and we were eating food and I, I was looking down at my chicken that had the skin on it and then looking at that part of your chest and I kept looking from the skin of the chicken to your chest and it was freaking me out a little bit.

• 15:32Speaker 02

  Do you require a chicken to wear a v-neck sweater?

• 15:35Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 15:36Speaker 02

  T-shirt under those feathers?

• 15:37Conan O'Brien?

  I think even you know that you've gone too far.

• 15:39Speaker 02

  Can I wrap this up, man? I gotta wrap it up.

• 15:41Conan O'Brien?

  We're not gonna wrap it up. We're not gonna wrap it up. Oh, time for a little sip-a-ru. I love when you take a sip because it means you're not talking.

• 15:47Speaker 02

  You love a straw, do you?

• 15:48Conan O'Brien?

  No, not for you. We did that last time and you-

• 15:50Speaker 02

  Oh, we did?

• 15:51Conan O'Brien?

  I, I think you, oh my god.

• 15:53Speaker 02

  Alright, man.

• 15:54Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, how are you?

• 15:55Speaker 02

  Ask me, thank you.

• 15:56Conan O'Brien?

  How are you? I, um, I haven't seen you in a little while and I really do enjoy my time. We trade texts fairly often, uh, but I really treasure when I see you because as I say, it's an old friendship and I think we have a certain something. We have a certain spark that excites America.

• 16:15Speaker 02

  That's it?

• 16:16Conan O'Brien?

  That's all I got.

• 16:16Speaker 02

  Oh, I thought the remark, but okay. Uh, yeah, we do. I agree with you. We have a close bond, um, and we tease each other a lot, but I think we have a, um, a really close, uh, friendship.

• 16:28Conan O'Brien?

  Why'd you cover your mouth when you said that?

• 16:29Speaker 02

  I scratched my upper lip.

• 16:31Conan O'Brien?

  Hell, no one does that.

• 16:32Speaker 02

  You're so defensive and so insecure about everything and I don't think anybody will argue that point with me.

• 16:40Conan O'Brien?

  I am now about the nipple thing. I'm never wearing those shirts again.

• 16:43Speaker 02

  Did you ever know anybody had a third nipple?

• 16:45Conan O'Brien?

  No, I saw it once in a movie. It said James Bond was a man with a golden gun.

• 16:49Speaker 02

  Yeah. The golden nipple, did you say?

• 16:52Speaker 02

  The extra golden nipple.

• 16:53Conan O'Brien?

  What's the name of the guy? Scaramanga? Scaramanga. As played by- Christopher Lee. Christopher Lee, yeah.

• 16:58Speaker 02

  I worked with someone once who had a tail, believe it or not.

• 17:01Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 17:01Speaker 02

  I'm not kidding around, a tail.

• 17:02Conan O'Brien?

  That's not true.

• 17:03Speaker 02

  I swear to you. I mean-

• 17:04Conan O'Brien?

  When you say a tail, what do you mean? You mean they had-

• 17:06Speaker 02

  It's like, um-

• 17:07Conan O'Brien?

  The coccyx, the bone, the tailbone was extended?

• 17:09Speaker 02

  It was like a Doberman Pinscher tail.

• 17:11Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 17:12Speaker 02

  You know, a little like, uh-

• 17:13Conan O'Brien?

  It's like cut off. I don't believe that's true. It's like a long knob in.

• 17:15Speaker 02

  It kinda looked like that.

• 17:17Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, great. Well, that'll help on a podcast. Wait.

• 17:21Speaker 02

  And this is, this is, uh, so you don't get it wrong. That's the butt. It's more like that.

• 17:27Conan O'Brien?

  What are you doing? What are you talking about? You did not. You did not.

• 17:29Speaker 02

  It's a tale.

• 17:31Conan O'Brien?

  First of all, terrible drawing from actually a very talented artist. That's the worst thing you've ever drawn.

• 17:36Speaker 02

  My book is out now called I Exaggerate: My Brushes With Fame.

• 17:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 17:40Speaker 02

  A lot of caricature paintings that I do. None of you in there?

• 17:43Conan O'Brien?

  I know.

• 17:43Speaker 02

  You're a friend. You're a friend.

• 17:44Conan O'Brien?

  I guess what? All of them of, and I think I'm readily caricatured with my hair, my jawline. There's so many things to have fun with, and you didn't do one of me.

• 17:53Speaker 02

  I am so done with this topic right now.

• 17:55Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 17:58Speaker 02

  No, come on, let's just talk. Can we talk as two adults for a change?

• 18:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, let's do that.

• 18:02Speaker 01

  Can you?

• 18:02Conan O'Brien?

  Let's do that.

• 18:04Speaker 02

  Sona, you stay out of this.

• 18:06Conan O'Brien?

  I don't even know why she's in here.

• 18:07Speaker 02

  I don't know why you need a backup like Sona. I come in here with nobody, and you've got all these people like you're posse.

• 18:13Conan O'Brien?

  This is my whack pack right here. This is my whack pack.

• 18:16Speaker 02

  So I almost saw you at Sundance the other day.

• 18:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I was at Sundance, uh, helping to promote a film that I appear in. It's called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You. Uh, it's written and directed.

• 18:26Speaker 02

  What's the movie called?

• 18:28Conan O'Brien?

  Incredible. Incredible.

• 18:32Conan O'Brien?

  It stars the beautiful and very talented Rose Byrne, and it was a very fun experience. And then you texted me that you were there.

• 18:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:40Conan O'Brien?

  But I was leaving town. I went after I got your text.

• 18:45Speaker 02

  You were there for only like a couple hours, right?

• 18:47Conan O'Brien?

  Seriously, yeah, I was, yeah.

• 18:48Speaker 02

  Jeez, you had the car running.

• 18:50Conan O'Brien?

  I had to get, I, I, I went, I'm very busy right now. I've got a lot of, a lot of irons in the fire. A lot of pots of stew cooking at the same time.

• 19:00Speaker 02

  Do you have other projects going besides this, uh, podcast?

• 19:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I'm hosting the Oscars.

• 19:06Speaker 02

  Oh, by the way, congratulations. I think I already texted you about that.

• 19:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you said either, it will, you said, this is a quote. "It will either go well or it will go badly. Both are distinct possibilities." That's a, that's a quote. That's a quote.

• 19:21Speaker 02

  That is true.

• 19:22Conan O'Brien?

  That is, it's true. It is absolutely true. And I read that aloud. I was laughing so hard because when someone, you're very talented at this, you, you get on the knife's edge of absolute truth. So I'm talking to you and you were saying, how's it going? I'm, hey, you know, I'm working on this Oscars thing, but the mood in this town keeps changing. There's a lot happening. I'm worried about how it's gonna go. And you wrote back, most people would say, oh, you'll be fine. You're a funny guy. You'll figure it out. You wrote back, it will go well, or it will go badly. Period. Both are distinct possibilities.

• 19:56Speaker 02

  And true.

• 19:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. And true. It was very true.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  Because I know what you think, how you think it's gonna go. Because I know you so well.

• 20:03Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah? And how's that?

• 20:04Speaker 02

  You tell me.

• 20:05Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 20:07Speaker 02

  It's gonna go, you think it's gonna go horrible.

• 20:09Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't think it's gonna go, I think it's gonna go horribly.

• 20:12Speaker 02

  Horrible.

• 20:13Conan O'Brien?

  Because I actually finished school. Kevin, I love you. I really do. But I wish you were educated. I wish you were.

• 20:22Conan O'Brien?

  No, I'm horribly.

• 20:23Speaker 02

  You're horribly. So, yeah, thanks for asking me. The movie I'm executive producing at Sundance.

• 20:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. Tell me about that. What's it called?

• 20:32Speaker 02

  It's called Come See Me in the Good Light. It's a story, Conan, about these two lovers, poets.

• 20:39Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, and you, your executive producer.

• 20:41Speaker 02

  Go ahead, say what you're saying, then I'll continue.

• 20:43Conan O'Brien?

  I just love that you're executive producing something about real emotions and trash. It's just funny. It's like.

• 20:49Speaker 02

  How do you know it's real emotions?

• 20:50Conan O'Brien?

  It's like if it's a laser printer wrote a love poem.

• 20:56Conan O'Brien?

  I'm sorry. You don't have a sincere phone in your pocket. You're executive producing a love story. I can't wait to see it. Blip, blip, blop, blop.

• 21:06Speaker 02

  What's the name of your film, by the way?

• 21:07Conan O'Brien?

  If I had legs, I'd kick you.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, that's right up your alley. That is so you right there. Yeah.

• 21:13Conan O'Brien?

  Anyway, tell us about, go, go, go, go. I'll be good.

• 21:15Speaker 02

  What's the name of the movie, the doc?

• 21:17Conan O'Brien?

  It's called There Was A Time And She Was There.

• 21:20Speaker 02

  Okay, I'm gonna tell it to you again. Try to listen this time. Pay attention.

• 21:23Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 21:25Conan O'Brien?

  What is the name of your movie?

• 21:26Speaker 02

  It's called Come See Me In The Good Light.

• 21:28Conan O'Brien?

  Come See Me In The Good Light, beautiful.

• 21:29Speaker 02

  It's, are you writing this down?

• 21:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yep. Come See Me In The Good Light.

• 21:32Speaker 02

  It's a love story about these two poets, and one of them is diagnosed with an incurable illness.

• 21:39Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 21:40Speaker 02

  And it's pretty much the exploration of their life, their love, their mortality and life's moments. And once you see it, it'll kind of change your life.

• 21:51Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 21:51Speaker 02

  Maybe not your life, because you don't have one bone of love or...

• 21:57Conan O'Brien?

  That's not true.

• 21:58Speaker 02

  Mortality.

• 21:59Conan O'Brien?

  That's not true.

• 21:59Speaker 02

  Our life moments.

• 22:00Conan O'Brien?

  That's not true. I'm excited for this project, and I'm gonna repeat the title. Come See Me In The Good Light.

• 22:07Speaker 02

  That's right. It's about Andrea Gibson, the poet.

• 22:09Conan O'Brien?

  I figured.

• 22:10Speaker 02

  And her lover, Megan Foley.

• 22:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, of course.

• 22:12Speaker 02

  Directed by Ryan White.

• 22:14Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 22:14Speaker 02

  Produced by Jessica Hargreaves and Tig Notaro.

• 22:17Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I love Tig Notaro.

• 22:18Speaker 02

  See, I knew that one. You've finally paid attention.

• 22:20Conan O'Brien?

  Someone I, I really love Tig. Let me ask you a question.

• 22:24Speaker 02

  That's why I'm here. I'm here to let you ask me questions.

• 22:26Conan O'Brien?

  As executive producer, what did you do with this powerful, and it sounds like a very powerful tragic love story? What did you do?

• 22:33Speaker 02

  It's not tragic. It's uplifting.

• 22:35Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, okay. You're right. They probably gave you a note. Don't say tragic.

• 22:38Speaker 02

  It's, no, no, no notes. No notes. I'm the one giving out the notes.

• 22:41Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, so, but what do you do as executive producer?

• 22:44Speaker 02

  Well, I invest in it. I support it. I come on podcasts.

• 22:47Conan O'Brien?

  This is your money. You put your money into it.

• 22:49Speaker 02

  That is open-minded and listens. Yeah, I did put my money into it, along with my wife, Susan Yegley.

• 22:56Conan O'Brien?

  Susan's great. You know what I'm saying? I'm looking at two pages.

• 23:00Speaker 02

  Is that anything to do with a podcast, or is that your shopping list?

• 23:02Conan O'Brien?

  It says Kevin Nealon, 2025 Podcast Research. There is not one mention in here of your movie. And yet, you're here now promoting something that is not mentioned in your research. I find that either a huge failing on our part, or negligence on your part. Who's the guilty party?

• 23:18Speaker 02

  B. It's B.

• 23:20Conan O'Brien?

  So you didn't bring it up?

• 23:20Speaker 02

  I have nothing to do with it.

• 23:24Speaker 02

  I know, I don't.

• 23:25Conan O'Brien?

  Does this movie even exist?

• 23:26Speaker 02

  No, I'm just, I needed something to talk about when I came here, so I, I saw some of the films that were playing at Sundance. No, I'm all over that thing. I invested in it.

• 23:36Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  And then, and without that, it wouldn't have gotten made, unless you invested in it. But no, you went with the kicking with the legs thing.

• 23:44Conan O'Brien?

  If I had legs, I'd kick you. I didn't put a dime into it.

• 23:47Speaker 02

  What's the name of your character in this so-called movie?

• 23:50Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, Chip Chutley.

• 23:51Speaker 02

  Chip Chutley?

• 23:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 23:53Speaker 02

  I never thought there'd be a name worse than Conan O'Brien, and now you just told it to me.

• 23:59Conan O'Brien?

  What you said reminded me of a story, I don't think I've told this story, but, once I'm interviewing John Lovitz. John Lovitz, your compatriot on the, uh, on Saturday Night Live, and he was promoting a comedy club, remember when John Lovitz had a comedy club here in, uh? Oh, on CityWalk? On CityWalk. Yeah. And, uh-

• 24:16Speaker 02

  It used to be BB Kings.

• 24:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and then he turned it into a comedy club, and it had like a tropical theme.

• 24:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:21Conan O'Brien?

  But John Lovitz had this comedy club, and he, in the first, he had two segments, and the first segment, he was like, "It's a great comedy club, Conan, and everyone's gotta check it out." "It's, it's, you gotta see it, it's gangbusters," and he was going on and on about the comedy club, and then, we went to commercial, and the band's playing, "Pum, pum, pum, pum," and he leaned over and he went, "No one's coming to the club, you gotta help, you gotta invest." He said that during the commercial break, and I'm like, "What?" And he went, "No, would you wanna come in on it? I mean, we're, we're starting to tread in water right now, but we're going down." And I'm like, "What? Really?" And he was like, "Come on," you know, and I said, "Well, I have to talk to my accountant," and then he was like, "Well, I told your accountant, you, you gotta come in fast, 'cause I don't know how long we can hang on for," and then just then I get the signal, and I went, "Hey, we're back." And he went, "Oh, I gotta tell you, it's going gangbusters."

• 25:06Speaker 02

  Was this back in the 40s?

• 25:08Conan O'Brien?

  I swear to God, that really happened, and every now and then, something happens, it's a Larry Sanders moment.

• 25:20Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 25:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:23Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 25:37Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 25:38Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 25:46Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 25:51Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5 N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 26:10Speaker 01

  Hello!

• 26:11Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 26:44Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for Tac?

• 26:49Speaker 01

  My kids.

• 26:49Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. You gotta get them your stuff.

• 26:51Speaker 01

  Or my dog.

• 26:52Conan O'Brien?

  And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that?

• 27:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:02Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. A little early to buy a turkey. Doesn't matter. Holidays, I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want, even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season, shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.

• 27:39Conan O'Brien?

  This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp therapists can help you figure out what rules or traditions aren't serving you and how to rewrite them. And with insurance, many members pay $15 or less. Some pay $0. BetterHelp, they do a great job. You're in good hands. BetterHelp therapists are fully licensed in the United States with at least three years and 1,000 hours of hands-on experience. When it comes to matching with a therapist, BetterHelp does the initial work for you. Just take a short questionnaire to help identify your needs. And if you're not happy with your match, this is the best part. A lot of people think, oh, my God, this is the person I've signed up with. I need to make this work. That's not the case. If it's not a good match, you switch to a different therapist at any time from BetterHelp's

• 28:23Conan O'Brien?

  tailored recommendations. BetterHelp is now in network with more than 125 health plans with many copays as low as $15 for eligible members. And if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the US, you can still get 20% off your first month. Sign up and get 20% off at betterhelp.com/conan. That's better H-E-L-P.com/conan.

• 28:51Speaker 02

  Tell me about yourself.

• 28:52Conan O'Brien?

  I will if you stop your drawing.

• 28:54Speaker 02

  You're hoping it's a picture of you.

• 28:56Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 28:56Speaker 02

  But it's none.

• 28:57Conan O'Brien?

  I didn't think it was a picture of me.

• 28:58Speaker 02

  This is a picture of you.

• 28:59Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, no.

• 29:00Speaker 02

  No, go ahead. Just keep talking.

• 29:02Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. Anyway, I enjoy talking to you. I never quite know what's going to happen. I'm always handed research, but it doesn't seem to line up with anything we talk about. Who would have research for Kevin Nealon? You're promoting a movie that, I don't know if it exists or not, please step into the light.

• 29:20Speaker 02

  By the way, I want to thank you for doing my hiking show, what, two or three times?

• 29:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  Hiking with Kevin, now streaming on Fox Nation.

• 29:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's another thing that's not mentioned in the research. I don't know what's going on. I don't know why there's research on you that, that uh.

• 29:36Speaker 02

  You know what, I'm not all about boasting what I do. You like to have everything in print. You like to have, direct everybody to what you're doing. Yeah, you do a podcast.

• 29:45Conan O'Brien?

  What did you draw? You said you were drawing me.

• 29:47Speaker 02

  I just started.

• 29:48Speaker 01

  Oh, are those testicles?

• 29:51Conan O'Brien?

  Is, are those, what is that?

• 29:52Speaker 02

  I think you're burying the lead. You got a dirty mind.

• 29:54Speaker 01

  Oh, that's a dick.

• 29:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:55Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 29:55Speaker 02

  That's a dirty mind right there.

• 29:56Conan O'Brien?

  Why, why, how is this me? How is this me in any way?

• 30:00Speaker 02

  Can I finish it?

• 30:01Conan O'Brien?

  I'd rather you not finish it.

• 30:02Speaker 02

  No, I'll make it bigger. Just give it to me.

• 30:04Speaker 01

  I'd like him to finish it, actually.

• 30:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 30:07Speaker 02

  Through.

• 30:07Conan O'Brien?

  I think that's a portrait of old prick face Johnson. But anyway, keep going. Uh, you're, I don't know why we have you back. It's always.

• 30:15Speaker 02

  I don't know why I come here.

• 30:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Well, you gotta go somewhere.

• 30:18Speaker 02

  So, um, what were you gonna say?

• 30:24Speaker 02

  No, seriously, don't you love comedy? Isn't it great? There's so many different facets to it and styles.

• 30:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 30:30Speaker 02

  And somebody last week, once they'll say, or a lot of times they'll say, do you think so and so is funny?

• 30:35Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 30:35Speaker 02

  You know what I'm talking about? And I'll say, well, it's subjective. You know, you can't say somebody's not funny if they're bringing in people and people are laughing and.

• 30:43Conan O'Brien?

  I disagree. I think you can say someone's not funny.

• 30:46Speaker 02

  To you, they're not funny.

• 30:47Conan O'Brien?

  I, I, I just, I'm very, uh, I, I'm very, if I think someone's really not funny, I think they're unfunny the way.

• 30:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, you could say that.

• 30:55Conan O'Brien?

  The way, uh, you know, uh, water is a liquid and a solid is something you can put your hand on.

• 31:01Speaker 02

  So you're speaking for everybody?

• 31:02Conan O'Brien?

  I think it's immutable when someone's really unfunny. And then I think there's a whole gray area, but there are some people that just know they're not funny and there's just nothing that can be done.

• 31:10Speaker 02

  So, wouldn't it be nice if you would stand out in front of like a venue and people are coming in to see that person you don't think is funny? And just warn them and say, you don't need to see this person.

• 31:20Conan O'Brien?

  I wouldn't go in if I were you. It's a mistake. It's a waste of time. I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't go see this person.

• 31:25Speaker 02

  But don't you see, it, it's like objective? Don't you think that? Because what Sona thinks is funny, which is apparently everything you say.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:34Conan O'Brien?

  She's giving you a lot of good chuckles too, so I, I wouldn't.

• 31:36Speaker 02

  No, she, she makes me laugh a lot.

• 31:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 31:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:39Conan O'Brien?

  Um. We call her a low bar obsessive.

• 31:43Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 31:44Speaker 02

  Sonja, do you disagree with Conan about that statement?

• 31:47Speaker 01

  That I'm a li- no, I agree with him.

• 31:49Conan O'Brien?

  That there are some people that just aren't funny.

• 31:52Speaker 01

  I know, I just, I, it's, I'm an easy laugher. But then I also, when I don't laugh, I think it stings even more, probably.

• 31:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 31:59Speaker 01

  Right?

• 32:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 32:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:00Conan O'Brien?

  When you're not laughing, you know you've really, uh,

• 32:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:03Conan O'Brien?

  shit the bed.

• 32:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:04Speaker 02

  Well, first of all, you're both wrong.

• 32:06Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 32:06Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 32:06Speaker 02

  It's, um, it's subjective.

• 32:09Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 32:09Speaker 02

  It is subjective, because I'll say something, you know, if you're going by this guideline, like, no, this is not funny because, you know, this and that.

• 32:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 32:15Speaker 02

  Um, but someone's laughing, you're pretty much telling them that they're, they're idiots for laughing at that.

• 32:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I, I would say that to people if they were laughing at the wrong thing. I'd say, you're a bunch of fools.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  What about drama?

• 32:26Conan O'Brien?

  What is, what are you doing? What are you, what? This is valuable time. Do you know how the, the-

• 32:31Speaker 02

  No, I know. A lot of people would die to be on this show.

• 32:33Conan O'Brien?

  A lot of people would give their left nut, which apparently you're drawing, uh, to be on this podcast. And you come here and you diddle away the hour. Uh, why? Why do you do it? Is it a-

• 32:44Speaker 02

  First of all, diddling is not a bad thing. Diddling is like meditating.

• 32:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 32:49Speaker 02

  Have you ever meditated?

• 32:50Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not good at it. I've tried, but I'm-

• 32:52Speaker 02

  How can you not be bad at it? Do you fall out of the chair or what happens?

• 32:54Conan O'Brien?

  No, I just, my mind wanders. It's constantly wandering.

• 32:57Speaker 02

  That's what you're supposed to do.

• 32:58Conan O'Brien?

  I, I, I get too restless. I gotta keep moving. I gotta-

• 33:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:01Conan O'Brien?

  And, and then there's, you're sitting there by yourself, you're not hearing any laughs, and then you start to wonder, am I even alive? And then you gotta get out there and just hear the chuckles.

• 33:09Speaker 02

  It's in the security thing.

• 33:09Conan O'Brien?

  Probably, yeah. If I don't hear the laughter, I don't know what to do.

• 33:12Speaker 02

  Oh, I get that.

• 33:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Do you, uh, do you do a lot of meditating? Cause you seem-

• 33:17Speaker 02

  No, I diddle. I'm a diddler.

• 33:20Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, well, that's-

• 33:21Speaker 02

  Uh, which also requires a chair. When you diddle.

• 33:24Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, uh-

• 33:25Speaker 02

  Can we please just talk about something that has some meaning?

• 33:28Conan O'Brien?

  I'm doing the best I can.

• 33:30Speaker 02

  I'm sitting here, I came all the way down here, because apparently you couldn't get a guest.

• 33:36Conan O'Brien?

  We prize you as a guest. You know that you're beloved on this show, I think. And, and someone step in here, but I believe one or two of your appearances are some of the most loved on the entire podcast.

• 33:47Speaker 02

  That last one. Should we watch a clip?

• 33:49Conan O'Brien?

  Jesus.

• 33:50Speaker 01

  I don't know what to do, I'm scared.

• 33:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, um, when you, when I'm saying, go ahead, go ahead.

• 33:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I, uh, the, your episodes always do great when you're here. And then the clips on YouTube and the clips on social media are some of our most popular, for sure. I'll have to start watching the show.

• 34:06Speaker 02

  No, I'd love to see it. Hey, you ever think that, hey, I'm at the top of my game right now?

• 34:12Conan O'Brien?

  I have moments where I think I'm in a flow state, you know what I'm saying?

• 34:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:16Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, where it, it, one moment's leading to the next.

• 34:20Speaker 02

  Right.

• 34:20Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, today's not my day. Uh, I think you're having a rough time, too. But you know what's gonna happen? Never tell an audience they're getting a bad show. Never.

• 34:29Speaker 02

  No, no.

• 34:29Conan O'Brien?

  Rule number one.

• 34:30Speaker 02

  I say I'm the top of my game, you guys are really lucky tonight, and, uh...

• 34:34Conan O'Brien?

  What an asshole.

• 34:35Speaker 02

  Tomorrow, I will not be... Of course I do. Because people don't know what's funny, apparently, according to you.

• 34:41Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, some people, some people don't know, many people do.

• 34:44Speaker 02

  But here's the other end of that.

• 34:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 34:46Speaker 02

  Do you ever think this is, if I died now, I'd have some great people coming to my funeral? And making some great eulogies?

• 34:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I do think about that.

• 34:55Speaker 02

  Because if you live too long...

• 34:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 34:57Speaker 02

  There won't, there'll be less people.

• 34:58Conan O'Brien?

  I've thought about this, too. And I'm not kidding. I've thought about, if I went now, and I hope I don't, I hope it's like another week or two, but...

• 35:06Speaker 02

  You'd have...

• 35:07Conan O'Brien?

  There'd be a lot of funny people coming, and there'd be some people being very funny. Um, but if I stick around too long...

• 35:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:14Conan O'Brien?

  That's an empty room.

• 35:15Speaker 02

  No one's coming.

• 35:16Conan O'Brien?

  No one's coming.

• 35:17Speaker 02

  Even if they're not dead, they're not coming.

• 35:19Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and if Sona lives like, if Sona, if Sona lives like a block away, she's not coming.

• 35:23Speaker 01

  No.

• 35:24Conan O'Brien?

  You know?

• 35:24Speaker 02

  Uh, Sona will probably be the director of your funeral, I would say.

• 35:28Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, you'd be involved in it.

• 35:29Speaker 02

  You should start working.

• 35:30Conan O'Brien?

  You and David Hopping will probably have a lot to do.

• 35:32Speaker 01

  Sure, okay. I do, as a joke, want you to be buried in the cemetery you don't want to be buried in.

• 35:38Conan O'Brien?

  We've talked about this.

• 35:39Speaker 01

  I know, so that's what I'm...

• 35:40Conan O'Brien?

  I do not want to be buried, what's it called? Uh, forest lawn?

• 35:43Speaker 01

  At the forest lawn off the 134 freeway.

• 35:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there's a freeway, there's one that...

• 35:47Speaker 02

  That's what they call it now, by the way, off the 134 freeway.

• 35:51Conan O'Brien?

  No, I, I, I know that people that pass away here are buried there and they look down and they, they're baking in the sun and they're looking down on the freeway. Hmm. I don't want that. I want to be, uh, just left in a field, you know?

• 36:08Speaker 02

  Above ground?

• 36:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, above ground.

• 36:10Speaker 02

  Will you be buried with your headphones on?

• 36:12Conan O'Brien?

  No, not with headphones on. I don't, I don't think podcasting has been my major contribution. I don't think, that would mean that I, I saw myself as a podcaster. No, I see myself as a, as an artist. So I would want to-

• 36:25Speaker 02

  Would you wear a V-neck sweater at all?

• 36:27Conan O'Brien?

  I would not, I would not wear it. Cause when I start to decompose, you would. You're gonna be in your casket in a V-neck sweater with no t-shirt.

• 36:34Speaker 02

  Why do people even wear clothes in a casket? Where are they going? Do you know what I mean?

• 36:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 36:40Speaker 02

  Once that lid is closed, strip them down, send them on their way.

• 36:44Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, when the open, when it's an open casket, yes, it's under, but you're saying, once the casket's about to be closed, they should get everyone, everyone out of the room and then get the suit and all the stuff off of them.

• 36:53Speaker 02

  Get the stuff off and donate it.

• 36:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 36:55Speaker 02

  Or keep it for yourself.

• 36:56Conan O'Brien?

  That's a good, you know what, of all the celebrity movements, um, that, I think that would be a very unusual one for you to lead the charge on. Nude burials and donate the clothes and the watch and the ring.

• 37:06Speaker 02

  You've decided to be buried? That's your-

• 37:08Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, no, no, no.

• 37:10Speaker 02

  Still up in the air?

• 37:11Conan O'Brien?

  No. I have a friend, uh, Rodman Flender, who wants to be used, he wants to be used as a dummy in like a horror movie. A throw dummy. And so when he dies, he wants to be in a scene where he's like thrown out of a seven story building and fall, and I think that's just genius. Cause he's a director, he's a really funny guy and he wants that. He really wants that.

• 37:32Speaker 02

  And we get, would he get his SAG insurance for that?

• 37:33Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, and we get a payment. I'm sure there's some kind of, but he wants to be a throw, a throw dummy in a movie that gets tossed off a building. And I think that's a great idea.

• 37:43Speaker 02

  Would it be like a Mission Impossible or a horror movie?

• 37:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, something like that where someone's like, the actor's pushed and then you cut away to the body falling. And that's my friend Rodman falling through space and then hits the ground and then cut to a close up of the actor lying there.

• 37:57Speaker 02

  You get, do you watch, do you go on Instagram? Cause this vodka is water.

• 38:04Conan O'Brien?

  Clearly it's vodka. You're not making a lot of sense.

• 38:08Conan O'Brien?

  No one follows the conversational thread like you.

• 38:10Speaker 02

  No.

• 38:11Conan O'Brien?

  Do you think it's a cyst in your mind? What do you think it is?

• 38:14Speaker 02

  I do actually have a sebaceous, no, it's not a sebaceous cyst. It's a, oh, what's it called? It's called a, um.

• 38:23Speaker 02

  Can I come back tomorrow?

• 38:27Speaker 02

  It's called a, anyway, it's kind of a tumor.

• 38:30Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, that's terrible. I'm sorry.

• 38:31Speaker 02

  No, it's not, it's not, um. It's not a tumor. It's not a tumor. It's, uh, for some reason I can't think of the name of it.

• 38:39Conan O'Brien?

  Anyway, well, probably blocking that part of your brain. Which is why you can't think of it.

• 38:44Speaker 02

  What's the name of that flower with the thorns on it? The rose? That's right. Hey, Rose, what was the name of the tumor?

• 38:50Conan O'Brien?

  All right. You're such an idiot.

• 38:52Speaker 02

  That's an old joke.

• 38:53Conan O'Brien?

  You're such an idiot.

• 38:53Speaker 02

  No, that's an old joke.

• 38:54Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 38:55Speaker 02

  But listen, are you, so what I was gonna say, if I may have a moment. May I have a moment?

• 38:59Conan O'Brien?

  You're such an idiot. My eye is resting on the microphone.

• 39:04Speaker 02

  Looks like you're a scientist looking at the tele, uh, microscope.

• 39:07Conan O'Brien?

  I'm looking for intelligent life in this podcast and I, I see nothing, uh.

• 39:12Speaker 02

  Oh, that, the name was right on the tip of my tongue. Now it's up on the roof of my mouth.

• 39:16Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 39:17Speaker 02

  And that's moving back to the molar.

• 39:20Conan O'Brien?

  So, do you have a child's joke book with you? Is it hidden?

• 39:25Speaker 02

  Do you ever start flipping through?

• 39:28Conan O'Brien?

  Casper the friendly pickle, um, I have a question for you.

• 39:31Speaker 02

  All right, sure, I'll finish what I was saying later.

• 39:33Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, finish up, finish up, finish up, finish up.

• 39:36Speaker 02

  Have you ever been scrolling, uh, on Instagram and you come across these, um, posts that are people dying? No. I haven't seen those at all. What are you talking about?

• 39:45Speaker 01

  What's up with your algorithm?

• 39:47Speaker 02

  No, yeah. What are you talking about? Is there, oh, is that why I keep getting this?

• 39:50Conan O'Brien?

  You must have chosen something similar to that to get that fed to you.

• 39:53Speaker 02

  That's embarrassing.

• 39:54Conan O'Brien?

  I am not on Instagram. I'm not on Instagram.

• 39:57Speaker 02

  Go through. Um, you're not on Instagram?

• 39:59Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not on Instagram.

• 40:00Speaker 02

  Snuff films on Instagram.

• 40:01Conan O'Brien?

  So, so this is, um, what is it? People dying, do people take videotape of people in their last moments?

• 40:07Speaker 02

  Some sick, like. You know, person who happens to have those cameras on the freeway or whatever and a guy hitting the truck and

• 40:14Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, that. Oh, that's called faces of death, I think.

• 40:17Speaker 02

  Well, it's like that.

• 40:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's so it's someone who's trying to get across the train tracks just in time, but the train hits them and there's a camera.

• 40:24Speaker 02

  Or they're pushed, you know. And then there was this one I just saw yesterday. I watched it like 10 times. It is a guy with one of those suits that jumps off the cliff.

• 40:34Conan O'Brien?

  A squirrel suit?

• 40:35Speaker 02

  A squirrel suit. And he's going far. He's going far.

• 40:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 40:39Speaker 02

  And he's fast. He goes right by the camera and then down in the canyon and smack right into a wall.

• 40:44Conan O'Brien?

  And this is a real person?

• 40:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:47Conan O'Brien?

  So, and you know, you watch these and now the algorithm knows this is what you want. So you're gonna keep getting these. You're gonna keep getting people dying.

• 40:57Speaker 02

  Yeah. And you know what? I got rid of my squirrel suit right after seeing you.

• 41:00Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 41:01Speaker 02

  I did. I seriously, man. And I wasn't going off high cliffs. I was like going off the couch and stuff.

• 41:06Conan O'Brien?

  All right. Well, this is

• 41:07Speaker 02

  But that guy, you know.

• 41:08Conan O'Brien?

  Unbelievable.

• 41:09Speaker 02

  Take a break. We'll be right back.

• 41:11Conan O'Brien?

  Unbelievable. No, no.

• 41:12Speaker 01

  You watched it 10 times?

• 41:14Speaker 02

  I don't know how many times it was because I couldn't believe it. Another one was these people up on, I hate the cliffs. Anything high up on a cliff.

• 41:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 41:23Speaker 02

  Somehow it lands in front of me. At this guy and this woman, the woman jumps off like she's free falling and she's gonna pull her chute, but she kept falling and falling. And then the two guys look at each other on top, shake their head, and they look over the cliff and she's gone. No squirrel suit, nothing.

• 41:43Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, so she jumped off? Why did she jump off with nothing?

• 41:46Speaker 02

  I don't know. It was like, you know, maybe she thought there was a bungee cord or something attached to her. Some of these might be fake, too. Oh, really? Yeah.

• 41:57Conan O'Brien?

  Also, I'm sorry to bring the bad news. Also, can I point out, the thing that sticks to me in that story is you say, woman jumps off a cliff, two friends are watching her fall, and then they just look at each other and shake their head. That's the reaction you give when you want almond butter, you open the refrigerator. Ah, there's peanut butter, but no almond butter. Shake your head and shut the door. That is not an accurate reaction. I think you're one of the two guys because that's the reaction you would have. Like, no, no, didn't happen. I don't like any of this. I don't want to watch someone die. If I want to see someone die, I'll check out your set at the Laugh Factory. We'll take a break. We'll be right back.

• 42:34Conan O'Brien?

  Zim zam zoom, zim zam tang, zim zam zoom.

• 42:37Speaker 02

  Let's back up, let's back up to something when you're finished with your silly childish.

• 42:43Conan O'Brien?

  I'm sorry.

• 42:43Speaker 02

  Look at me, uh, bits you're doing.

• 42:46Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:48Speaker 02

  I know.

• 42:48Conan O'Brien?

  I guess I'm the only guy that says, look at me.

• 42:50Speaker 02

  I know your style.

• 42:50Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, what's that?

• 42:51Speaker 02

  I know exactly what you do.

• 42:52Conan O'Brien?

  Let's hear a little bit about my style.

• 42:53Speaker 02

  I've been, I've been listening to you lately.

• 42:54Conan O'Brien?

  Hmm, lately?

• 42:55Speaker 02

  Since I stopped listening to the news.

• 42:57Conan O'Brien?

  We've been friends since 1988.

• 42:58Speaker 02

  No, but I think there's something to you now. I, um, I know you're, I know how you work. I know you're just waiting for somebody to say something so you could just run with some like venting bit and just go and Sonya is just encouraging you to keep going.

• 43:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 43:16Speaker 02

  And then it dies down.

• 43:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 43:18Speaker 02

  And then there's a last minute thought, you go back into it again.

• 43:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 43:20Speaker 02

  And the guest is just sitting there and the whole whack pack is laughing at you. The whole whack pack. You believe it, you believe it.

• 43:27Conan O'Brien?

  You're saying, I know how you work, I know how you work. I, I see what you're up to there.

• 43:31Speaker 02

  You're doing the bit now.

• 43:32Conan O'Brien?

  I see what you're up to.

• 43:33Speaker 02

  You're doing the exact same bit.

• 43:34Conan O'Brien?

  Picasso, I see what you're doing, you're doing your sketches and it's really beautiful and amazing. And then you keep going and then you finish it and everyone's like, wow. And then you sell it for a lot of money. I get what you're up to. And then you have a mistress.

• 43:47Speaker 02

  This is exactly what I'm talking about.

• 43:48Conan O'Brien?

  Exactly. You're watching an artist at work.

• 43:51Speaker 02

  Can I go back to something?

• 43:52Conan O'Brien?

  You can't reduce it to.

• 43:52Speaker 02

  Can I go back to something that really struck me for, for a second that really surprised me?

• 43:57Conan O'Brien?

  Boo.

• 43:58Speaker 02

  Almond butter.

• 44:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 44:01Speaker 02

  Do you use almond butter?

• 44:02Conan O'Brien?

  I do use almond butter, yeah.

• 44:04Speaker 02

  Instead of peanut butter? I know it's healthier.

• 44:06Conan O'Brien?

  I like it better. I like to taste better.

• 44:08Speaker 02

  Peanut butter, it would jam.

• 44:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 44:10Speaker 02

  Strawberry.

• 44:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 44:11Speaker 02

  On a, my wife always complains that I, I leave jam everywhere. It's on the handle to the refrigerator, it's on the steering wheel of the car.

• 44:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 44:19Speaker 02

  Cause it's tough to get off the strawberry jam.

• 44:21Conan O'Brien?

  You know, some people have accused you in the past of taking, when the conversation's really on fire and, uh.

• 44:27Speaker 02

  On fire?

• 44:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and I'm like really killing it, that you stop it and then take us into a less productive world just to punish me, which would be, uh, sometimes I get a little bit of jam and sometimes I'll leave it on the handle.

• 44:38Speaker 02

  Here comes the bit.

• 44:39Conan O'Brien?

  And, uh.

• 44:39Speaker 02

  Three within two minutes, three bits, running with it.

• 44:42Conan O'Brien?

  My wife, my wife doesn't like it so much because there's a little bit of jam around. Is, uh, is the energy sufficiently lowered in the room now? Is Conan, have we cooled his jets enough now? I think we have, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, Conan, what else you got? And then I gotta start from scratch. That's what you just did.

• 44:57Speaker 02

  Are you done with the third bit you did in the last two minutes? I expected you to jump on that and help me with it and make it a little more dynamic and funny.

• 45:05Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 45:05Speaker 02

  But you just cut me apart.

• 45:07Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, have a little slice of fuck you pie is what I say. You're not getting anything from me.

• 45:11Speaker 02

  So, um, what would we be good on a road trip?

• 45:15Conan O'Brien?

  You and I?

• 45:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:15Conan O'Brien?

  I think we'd do pretty well.

• 45:17Speaker 02

  Who would drive first?

• 45:18Conan O'Brien?

  I think I would drive.

• 45:20Speaker 02

  Would it be that silly truck?

• 45:21Conan O'Brien?

  Cause you blink a lot. I don't trust you.

• 45:24Speaker 02

  Sometimes I leave the blinking on.

• 45:25Conan O'Brien?

  Um, nice.

• 45:27Speaker 02

  Hey, um, where would we, how many hours would we drive a day?

• 45:31Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, I like to, I get, I like to get a lot of road under me, so to speak. So I'm one of those guys that I like to, I like to log a lot of miles and I get a little OCD about it. Like I wanna just, if someone says, hey, let's, let's stop for a while and maybe this is enough for today. I wanna always, I'm that guy that always wants to go another two hours.

• 45:49Speaker 02

  Well, finally we're connecting on something. I like to go, um, little bits, you know? You try to get to wherever you're going in one day, even if it's cross-country?

• 45:57Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm. I wouldn't do that.

• 45:58Speaker 02

  You wouldn't? Would you stay in an expensive hotel or would you stay like in a motel six?

• 46:03Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I think I'd split the difference.

• 46:05Speaker 02

  Let's say you only had $500 to get where you're going.

• 46:08Conan O'Brien?

  Then I think I wouldn't be staying in a very expensive hotel.

• 46:11Speaker 02

  See, you're not helping me.

• 46:14Speaker 02

  I'm giving you an opening.

• 46:16Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, these are your openings?

• 46:17Speaker 02

  To be funny.

• 46:17Conan O'Brien?

  This is, oh, these are the, these are the gems?

• 46:19Speaker 02

  Well, everybody would say that the gems, but you apparently are thinking about your last bit that you did.

• 46:26Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, you can't just say, hey, hey Conan, uh, you like coconuts?

• 46:29Speaker 02

  Would you ask me?

• 46:30Conan O'Brien?

  I think coconuts are okay. Yeah, how do you like to open them?

• 46:31Speaker 02

  Here we go again.

• 46:33Conan O'Brien?

  Like to open them with a, how do you like to open? How do you like to open a coconut?

• 46:36Speaker 02

  And just go and run with it?

• 46:38Conan O'Brien?

  I'd like to open a coconut. I, I, I don't really know, Kevin.

• 46:40Speaker 02

  I swear to God.

• 46:40Conan O'Brien?

  Sometimes I haven't really done it a lot, but I guess I'd use like some kind of a, a blade or something.

• 46:44Speaker 02

  What music will we listen to?

• 46:45Conan O'Brien?

  I'm giving you gems here. What are you doing?

• 46:47Speaker 02

  Can we? What music will we listen to in the car? Or your truck, whatever we're taking?

• 46:52Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, we'd take my truck, my Toyota truck.

• 46:55Speaker 02

  Couple of bikes in the back?

• 46:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, we would have a couple of bikes in the back.

• 46:57Speaker 02

  Coolers?

• 46:58Conan O'Brien?

  And I know that you're a guy that likes James Taylor. You like stuff.

• 47:01Speaker 02

  Well, I like everything now.

• 47:02Conan O'Brien?

  Not so much. You are pretty much locked in the.

• 47:05Speaker 02

  Brandi Carlile, she's also in an EP on this movie I just did called Consume in the Good Light.

• 47:10Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 47:10Speaker 02

  Will be out soon.

• 47:12Conan O'Brien?

  Late 60s, 70s, I think that's your. I don't think you listen to a lot of modern music. I honestly don't.

• 47:18Speaker 02

  You're right. My brother, no.

• 47:21Conan O'Brien?

  I don't.

• 47:21Speaker 02

  I'm honest with you now. I'm being honest.

• 47:22Conan O'Brien?

  Alright.

• 47:23Speaker 02

  My brother listens to 60s.

• 47:25Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 47:26Speaker 02

  And I'm thinking, I'm not gonna listen to that, man. That's just too, that's giving up, you know? And I start listening to it, I go, yeah, I like this. I like this. Sweet Cherry Wine by Tommy James and the Shondells.

• 47:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 47:35Speaker 02

  You know, maybe that's 70s. But, um, but just, let's, can you just, um, ask me something, um, serious? Like, you know, that's, you really wanna know about me, and I swear to God, I will tell you exactly. And let's see if you can handle it.

• 47:50Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. Um, as you know, I'm, I know you, and I know your family. I know your lovely wife. Uh, your very handsome, cool son, uh, and, uh...

• 48:01Speaker 02

  That you don't even know his name?

• 48:02Conan O'Brien?

  Gable.

• 48:03Speaker 02

  Okay. You don't need to, like, spread it around.

• 48:09Speaker 02

  Jeez. Why don't you just give him my PIN number?

• 48:14Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, and I see you, I've known different incarnations of you, but I see you as a guy that now gets a lot of satisfaction out of your wonderful family.

• 48:22Speaker 02

  Oh, I do.

• 48:23Conan O'Brien?

  And I think that that is, uh, I'm happy for you in that regard.

• 48:30Speaker 02

  Done. Done. I don't really hear a question, though.

• 48:39Speaker 02

  Why is it so difficult to break through to you? Where you don't even wanna, cuz you don't wanna know, cuz it's too...

• 48:44Conan O'Brien?

  I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know.

• 48:47Speaker 02

  It's too difficult for you to...

• 48:49Conan O'Brien?

  You do, um...

• 48:50Speaker 02

  You'd be the worst interrogator. You won't even ask the question to the, to the, uh...

• 48:55Conan O'Brien?

  I am famously a good interviewer. I'm a very good interviewer. I'm one of, uh, I'm, I, I think that's a skill I have. You're the only person I've ever known that's accused me of, of being a terrible interviewer.

• 49:05Speaker 02

  Alright, let's say I'm a, uh, a suspect.

• 49:07Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 49:08Speaker 02

  I'm in the interrogation room.

• 49:09Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 49:09Speaker 02

  Uh, I ju, uh, somebody just, um, robbed a Brink's, uh, truck.

• 49:14Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm. Yeah.

• 49:14Speaker 02

  Um, it wasn't me.

• 49:16Conan O'Brien?

  Well...

• 49:17Speaker 02

  What do you say to that?

• 49:17Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. Uh, it sounds like you're innocent to me. Uh, you're free to go. Um, no, wait, you're, I, I'd say, I'd ask you a couple of questions. Were you, uh, near the bank, the, the Brink's truck, when it was robbed?

• 49:29Speaker 02

  No.

• 49:30Conan O'Brien?

  You weren't in the neighborhood?

• 49:31Speaker 02

  No, no.

• 49:31Conan O'Brien?

  And where were you?

• 49:32Speaker 02

  Hmm. Good question.

• 49:37Speaker 02

  You think a suspect ever says that to a target? That's a good question.

• 49:43Speaker 02

  All right, let me go back to that question, that statement that you mentioned about my family.

• 49:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 49:47Speaker 02

  Very lucky. I do, um, I do love them and I'm so fortunate, um, to have them. And I think you feel the same way about your family. Do you? I think you do.

• 49:58Conan O'Brien?

  Sure, yeah. Uh, they're great. Um, I prefer your family. That's an amazing family.

• 50:04Speaker 02

  I don't believe you.

• 50:06Conan O'Brien?

  You are an enigma a little bit to me. I don't quite understand you. I admire you, but I don't quite understand you.

• 50:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:13Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, and I know that you don't really understand me.

• 50:15Speaker 02

  I think we're both hiding, um, our true feelings, not just from each other, but from a lot of people. I think we want to be like-

• 50:21Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I have a question for you. Have you cried?

• 50:24Speaker 02

  All the time.

• 50:25Conan O'Brien?

  Do you cry?

• 50:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:26Conan O'Brien?

  Cause I don't cry.

• 50:27Speaker 02

  I credit this movie. Come see me in the good light.

• 50:29Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, stop doing that.

• 50:30Speaker 02

  What? Doing what? You asked me if I cried.

• 50:32Conan O'Brien?

  That is so low.

• 50:33Speaker 02

  And you know what's great about it? It's laughter and crying.

• 50:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 50:36Speaker 02

  It's like unexpected humor.

• 50:37Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. Um, it's just humor.

• 50:39Speaker 02

  But I do, I do cry.

• 50:42Conan O'Brien?

  Do you cry? Seriously, I'm being honest now.

• 50:44Speaker 02

  Who doesn't cry?

• 50:45Conan O'Brien?

  I don't cry a lot. I don't think I cry a lot.

• 50:47Speaker 02

  So you hold it in.

• 50:48Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think I'm even holding it in. It just doesn't happen.

• 50:51Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't think, I, I, I think I've only seen you cry like a couple of times.

• 50:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 50:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:56Speaker 02

  When you heard the news about the Oscars, hosting that, did you cry?

• 51:00Conan O'Brien?

  I did. I'm still crying.

• 51:02Speaker 02

  You know what's interesting? When Eric Idle, our friend Eric Idle-

• 51:05Conan O'Brien?

  The brilliant Eric Idle?

• 51:06Speaker 02

  Yeah. Um, can we talk about this? He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

• 51:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, he was.

• 51:12Speaker 02

  And he said he had, couldn't even think about it or had no reaction emotionally. But then when he heard that it wasn't pancreatic and he was fine, he cried.

• 51:23Speaker 01

  What?

• 51:24Conan O'Brien?

  I could see that, the relief.

• 51:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:26Conan O'Brien?

  The relief.

• 51:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're holding it in and you have all that stuff.

• 51:30Conan O'Brien?

  He got a death sentence and then he got a reprieve and, and he, and he's famously, you know, of course, uh, he's famously grew up-

• 51:40Speaker 02

  He's funny.

• 51:40Conan O'Brien?

  World War Two, World War Two, uh, in that generation, uh, after that was, you know, rationing and, uh, repression and all kinds of stuff. So yeah, I could see him having that reaction.

• 51:51Speaker 02

  Did he tell you about his father? What happened to his dad?

• 51:53Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 51:53Speaker 02

  He came back from the war. He'd been gone from the war, got into their neighborhood, crossed the street, got hit by a truck.

• 52:01Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my god.

• 52:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, a lorry as they call them.

• 52:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 52:04Speaker 02

  That's the name of a truck in England.

• 52:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, an elevator is a lift. That's a terrible story. I didn't know that.

• 52:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:13Conan O'Brien?

  And maybe I heard it, but I didn't process it.

• 52:15Speaker 02

  You didn't care about it?

• 52:16Conan O'Brien?

  No, it's not that I didn't care about it, but I, I don't think I knew that. No, I, I may have known that because I know that I read, I've read a lot about him. I just don't remember that part.

• 52:24Speaker 02

  You should have some video games in here that the guests can play.

• 52:29Conan O'Brien?

  You know, can I just say, you just brought it back to someone being killed suddenly? Yeah. I bet you're just bitter there's no video of it.

• 52:36Speaker 02

  You know, I went to school for marketing. I have a degree, a BS degree in marketing. And of course, you know, doctor, honorary doctor at, uh, you main letters. But, um, uh, what was I gonna say?

• 52:47Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. It was a crackerjack opening. You know, I have a doctor.

• 52:53Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, wow. Okay. The giggles are boiling. The giggles are on the boil. The, the churroles are on the fire.

• 53:02Conan O'Brien?

  Can I help you in any way?

• 53:03Speaker 02

  Do you have a size seven?

• 53:05Conan O'Brien?

  Do you, you don't, I think at your core, you have no respect for me. I really do. I think at your core, you have no respect for me.

• 53:13Speaker 02

  Just amazed.

• 53:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, we've talked about this. You can't believe.

• 53:16Speaker 02

  Will you listen to me? I'm not even going in that direction.

• 53:18Conan O'Brien?

  And just, it's, can you stop at the shirt?

• 53:20Speaker 02

  You just took the.

• 53:21Conan O'Brien?

  You took the, you took the switch.

• 53:23Speaker 02

  You don't want to see anymore of my skin?

• 53:24Conan O'Brien?

  I don't want to see anymore.

• 53:25Speaker 02

  I should have worn a V-neck.

• 53:26Conan O'Brien?

  I've been there. Okay. Just leave it alone. You're amazed, what's that? You're amazed at what?

• 53:31Speaker 02

  No, I'm just amazed at how happy you are. And now you're telling me that you don't cry and, um, so maybe inside you're not. But you know, it's such a relief. I think all of us will agree that it's a relief.

• 53:41Conan O'Brien?

  You just buried that?

• 53:42Speaker 02

  Connecting with your, with your team for a minute.

• 53:44Conan O'Brien?

  Maybe inside you're not.

• 53:45Speaker 02

  Isn't it great to cry?

• 53:46Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 53:47Speaker 02

  And it's such a release and it makes you less stressed and opens you up to, I think, to a happier life. And it shows that you're human.

• 53:54Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 53:54Speaker 02

  And you have emotions.

• 53:55Conan O'Brien?

  It's just human with an H. It's not human with a Y.

• 53:57Speaker 02

  Do you know what Take told me once, Tignataro?

• 53:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 54:00Speaker 02

  She said, you don't pronounce, pronounce your H's when you say words. You know, it's like, you know, um, humor. It's humor.

• 54:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 54:07Speaker 02

  And then I thought, that's pretty right because when I laugh, I don't pronounce my H's either. It's just.

• 54:14Speaker 02

  It is. It is. It is.

• 54:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 54:18Speaker 02

  But you're right. I don't. But how would you say herb? I'd say it's an herb. Uh huh, no H. I wouldn't pronounce the H. I wouldn't say herb. Herb is a, is a, herb is a guy, so. Herb is a guy. Do you think there's any herbs that grow herbs?

• 54:37Conan O'Brien?

  Do you want, do you want to succeed? Do you want to succeed? Do you want to succeed on the podcast? Do you want, do you want, do you want to have a successful? Do you want to have a successful podcast? Are there any herbs that grow herbs?

• 54:54Conan O'Brien?

  Have you, sir, at long last, no shame?

• 54:56Speaker 02

  Are there any herbs that have been eaten by a guy named Herb?

• 55:01Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do, and I think.

• 55:04Speaker 02

  You know, I was gonna come in here today thinking, maybe now we could have a sensible discussion.

• 55:07Conan O'Brien?

  We haven't said, I defy anyone, and again, I've probably said this before, I defy anyone out there to dissect what's been said in this marathon bibble babble session and find anything that connects to anything else.

• 55:22Speaker 02

  Did you say bibble babble?

• 55:23Conan O'Brien?

  I said bibble babble.

• 55:24Speaker 02

  I like the dibble and I like the bibble babble. I do both of those.

• 55:28Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 55:29Speaker 02

  You know me so well.

• 55:30Conan O'Brien?

  Sure.

• 55:31Speaker 02

  What do you want? You're not paying attention?

• 55:36Conan O'Brien?

  I feel like, I'm trying to have a conversation and I liken, having a conversation with you, I liken it to, I'm jogging and you're in a flatbed truck just ahead of me, throwing orange cones at my feet, trying to trip me and make me stumble.

• 55:48Speaker 02

  Have you done this before?

• 55:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I've done this before. I have. I have.

• 55:52Speaker 02

  Why am I so confused that you can't carry out a conversation without going into a bit about bibble bibble or whatever it is?

• 56:00Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I ask, I ask my friends, the whack pack, and you don't have to agree with me, but you analyze what's happening.

• 56:07Speaker 02

  No way.

• 56:07Conan O'Brien?

  Well, Eduardo, what do you think's happening here?

• 56:10Speaker 02

  Is he slipping or what? Is Conan slipping?

• 56:12Conan O'Brien?

  What am I, am I the, someone, I'm asking anyone to intervene.

• 56:16Speaker 02

  Who would you believe, more a guy who cries and feels his emotions or a guy that keeps it in and just gets angry at everybody?

• 56:21Speaker 05

  It's consistent.

• 56:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, there you go. Thank you. I appreciate it.

• 56:24Conan O'Brien?

  So, so.

• 56:25Speaker 02

  See coming?

• 56:26Conan O'Brien?

  But what, but Eduardo, when you, it's very unique when I talk to Kevin, and I don't understand what's happening. And I would love someone to explain it to me.

• 56:34Speaker 02

  Okay, first of all, he's on your team.

• 56:35Conan O'Brien?

  Nope.

• 56:36Speaker 02

  I'm gonna make a call to somebody on my team.

• 56:38Conan O'Brien?

  Eduardo is not a fan.

• 56:39Speaker 02

  He's not a fan, okay.

• 56:40Conan O'Brien?

  And.

• 56:40Speaker 05

  Nobody in this room.

• 56:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 56:41Speaker 05

  I was asked this question last time.

• 56:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, and I'm asking you again.

• 56:45Speaker 05

  And I described it then.

• 56:46Speaker 02

  It happens often, doesn't it?

• 56:47Speaker 05

  I think as a beautiful train wreck. This feels like the person jumping off the bridge without the.

• 56:56Speaker 02

  Why does it have to be an analogy about everything? Why can't you say what it is?

• 57:01Conan O'Brien?

  I think Eduardo just said.

• 57:03Speaker 02

  I don't need an analogy. I understand English.

• 57:07Speaker 02

  Your humor is just.

• 57:09Conan O'Brien?

  This is free fall. And it's madness. And, uh, and yet, there will be advertisers. It will be connected to this.

• 57:17Speaker 03

  You guys are a hall of mirrors. You're folding, you're folding in on each other.

• 57:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yes.

• 57:21Speaker 03

  Sorry for the analogy, but that's what it is.

• 57:23Conan O'Brien?

  Eating its tail. It's the snake eating its tail.

• 57:25Speaker 02

  Can we go with, uh, one analogy?

• 57:28Speaker 03

  It's the snake throwing up its own tail.

• 57:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's a snake throwing up in a hall of mirrors.

• 57:32Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 57:33Conan O'Brien?

  That's what this is. And I tell you, sir, I tell you, sir, I, I'm the control in this experiment. I talk to many people and it goes very well. You come in and it always, uh, the washing machine explodes and suds go flying everywhere. So you are the problem.

• 57:49Speaker 03

  Okay, okay, that can't be proven until he talks to a bunch of other people.

• 57:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 57:52Speaker 03

  But who's gonna wanna do that?

• 57:54Speaker 02

  This is subjective. It's subjective.

• 57:57Speaker 03

  I can't reach. I can't reach.

• 57:59Speaker 02

  First of all, congratulations on the Mark Twain Prize.

• 58:02Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, thank you very much.

• 58:03Speaker 02

  But it is a prize. It's not an award.

• 58:06Speaker 02

  Seriously, a prize is like a Cracker Jack toy.

• 58:12Speaker 02

  Am I right?

• 58:14Speaker 02

  It's a prize. Don't get all excited.

• 58:16Conan O'Brien?

  No, I'm not. I'm not.

• 58:17Speaker 02

  Is it come in a box? Is it in a box?

• 58:21Conan O'Brien?

  I feel, I'm like a prize pig with a little ribbon. Yeah. I, yeah, I, I appreciate that.

• 58:27Speaker 02

  At first you think it's a Mark Twain Award. You go, you, you're going to receive a Mark Twain Prize.

• 58:32Conan O'Brien?

  Oh. Just dig through this. Dig through this Cracker Jack box.

• 58:38Speaker 02

  I was the honorary mayor.

• 58:39Conan O'Brien?

  Where?

• 58:40Speaker 02

  Pacific Palisades.

• 58:41Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, God. Okay, well, that's.

• 58:43Speaker 02

  Way to bring it down, man. You asked me where.

• 58:48Conan O'Brien?

  What, that's my fault? That's my fault? You said I was the mayor?

• 58:52Speaker 02

  Honorary, I said.

• 58:53Conan O'Brien?

  That's ridiculous.

• 58:54Speaker 02

  Honorary mayor, honorary.

• 58:56Conan O'Brien?

  That's ridiculous. That's like, oh, I was in Dallas. Oh, yeah, when? When Kennedy was shot. Why would you bring that up?

• 59:03Speaker 02

  Don't yell. I listen to you in the car, and you yell a lot. And I have to lower it.

• 59:07Conan O'Brien?

  He does.

• 59:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:08Conan O'Brien?

  You do.

• 59:09Speaker 02

  If you're gonna yell.

• 59:09Conan O'Brien?

  But did you see what he did? He said I was the mayor. Yeah. And I said, oh, cool, where? And then he brings up a place where there was a terrible tragedy.

• 59:16Speaker 02

  I said I was the honorary mayor. Why would you even wanna follow that up with anything?

• 59:23Conan O'Brien?

  Such an asshole.

• 59:24Speaker 02

  Look at me.

• 59:24Conan O'Brien?

  I'm looking at you. You're the worst.

• 59:27Speaker 02

  Seriously, why would you, why would you open that can of worms?

• 59:31Conan O'Brien?

  I guess it's my fault. I guess it's my fault.

• 59:35Speaker 02

  Well, yeah. Do you think, when you asked me that, you knew where I used to live? You know where I live now.

• 59:40Conan O'Brien?

  No, I didn't know that that's where you were the honorary mayor. I'm sorry, I didn't know that.

• 59:45Speaker 02

  Well, another opportunity for you to expose my life and my personal life, uh, and where I lived.

• 59:51Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, well, uh.

• 59:52Speaker 02

  But seriously.

• 59:53Conan O'Brien?

  Are you okay? Is everyone all right? Did your place, uh, did you?

• 59:57Speaker 02

  I was okay until I got here today.

• 59:59Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, all right.

• 1:00:00Speaker 02

  But, uh, but you know, you just undermine me so much.

• 1:00:02Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think I do.

• 1:00:03Speaker 02

  Okay, let's not, let's just, let's say, let's say this was our last life, our last, um, moment in our life.

• 1:00:08Conan O'Brien?

  I think this might be, yeah.

• 1:00:10Speaker 02

  We had a good run, man.

• 1:00:11Conan O'Brien?

  Well.

• 1:00:12Speaker 02

  I worked hard, you got lucky.

• 1:00:17Conan O'Brien?

  I think you believe that, too. And I think you're right. I think you're right.

• 1:00:19Speaker 02

  I think we both had a lot of luck.

• 1:00:21Conan O'Brien?

  But you think I had a crazy amount of luck. And I think you're right.

• 1:00:24Speaker 02

  You opened yourself up to luck, and boy, did you get it.

• 1:00:29Speaker 02

  No, I, don't you think that's right, though? I think we both are unseemingly people that would be, uh, make to be a living.

• 1:00:37Conan O'Brien?

  This is proof. This is proof.

• 1:00:38Speaker 02

  You know?

• 1:00:38Conan O'Brien?

  This podcast, I think, is proof that we are both incredibly lucky people, that we've managed to scratch out livings in this business. And then, uh, this conversation is the height, is the height of our.

• 1:00:49Speaker 02

  You know what's crazy?

• 1:00:49Conan O'Brien?

  What's up, pal?

• 1:00:52Conan O'Brien?

  What is it? Uh, give me something I can work with.

• 1:00:54Speaker 02

  You call people pal more or bud, buddy?

• 1:00:57Conan O'Brien?

  I'm more of a pal guy. Hey, pal.

• 1:00:58Speaker 02

  You're a pal. Hey, pal. It's an East Coast thing.

• 1:01:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Just keep.

• 1:01:03Speaker 02

  I'm just trying to remember the name of that tumor that I have.

• 1:01:08Conan O'Brien?

  Do you really have something in your, because I know you have a lot of medical maladies.

• 1:01:11Speaker 02

  No, I don't have nothing.

• 1:01:12Conan O'Brien?

  What the, I saw you once and you said my shoulder like fell off. You were walking along and your shoulder fell off and you're, and then you had a.

• 1:01:19Speaker 02

  I said I fell off the shoulder of the road.

• 1:01:21Conan O'Brien?

  That's not true.

• 1:01:22Speaker 02

  It is true. Play it back.

• 1:01:25Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I'm.

• 1:01:26Speaker 02

  No, um, let's go back to the question. This was our last day on the planet. We would open up to each other, right?

• 1:01:32Conan O'Brien?

  No, I doubt it.

• 1:01:33Speaker 02

  Would you cry then?

• 1:01:34Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't think so. I don't think so.

• 1:01:35Speaker 02

  What would make you cry?

• 1:01:36Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. I'm still thinking about it.

• 1:01:38Speaker 02

  You staying here another minute?

• 1:01:40Conan O'Brien?

  I think thirty seconds would do it.

• 1:01:42Speaker 02

  You've never seen a movie that made you cry?

• 1:01:43Conan O'Brien?

  I, I have, yeah.

• 1:01:45Speaker 02

  So you lied to us all?

• 1:01:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. No, no, no, no. I didn't say I never cried. I just don't cry often. That's all. You're not a big crier. I wish I cried more. I think I'd be a help, but I don't think I said I've never cried in my life. That would be a sociopath. Yeah.

• 1:01:58Speaker 02

  Did you cry when you were younger a lot?

• 1:02:01Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, no, I remember. This is a true story. Uh, I was in the gym. I was wrestling a kid. We both fell backwards. I put my arm out to stop it and my elbow went bent the wrong way. And I couldn't move it and I was in incredible amount of pain. And the nurse at the Driscoll School called my mother and said, uh.

• 1:02:39Speaker 02

  No, yeah, it's a good story. Finish it up. I'm gonna go get a glass of water.

• 1:02:46Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna cry now. Oh my god.

• 1:02:50Speaker 02

  Well, you said Mrs. Driscoll, the nurse, I thought this is going nowhere.

• 1:02:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and then my nurse comes in and she says, oh, looks like you bent it backwards. See, that's what you do. And I go, no, I didn't bend it backwards. You're the nurse.

• 1:03:11Conan O'Brien?

  Why am I supposed to be that way? You tricked me into telling a real story about my childhood and my mom. And, and then you totally torpedoed me.

• 1:03:23Speaker 02

  It wasn't intentional.

• 1:03:27Speaker 02

  Seriously.

• 1:03:27Conan O'Brien?

  Said the son of Sam killer.

• 1:03:30Speaker 01

  Are we not gonna hear the end of that story?

• 1:03:32Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, it's very quick. The nurse called and said, yeah, your son's here.

• 1:03:36Speaker 02

  Losing interest.

• 1:03:39Conan O'Brien?

  We've already heard that part.

• 1:03:41Speaker 02

  We don't need to recap it, please. No recapping.

• 1:03:45Conan O'Brien?

  The nurse said, I think he's fine. And my mom said, well, how does he seem? And she said, oh, he's crying a little bit. And she said, he never cries. Let's take him to the hospital. And I had a shattered elbow. So the fact that I was, any moisture in my eye at all indicated to my mother that there was a real problem. That is proof that I'm not the old boo hoo boy. You know what I'm saying?

• 1:04:07Speaker 02

  Are you okay with me telling that story to other people? It's such a good story. Can I share that?

• 1:04:15Speaker 02

  What are you drinking? Is that coffee?

• 1:04:17Conan O'Brien?

  This is tea. I'm having a little tea, a little iced tea.

• 1:04:19Speaker 02

  Do you have a cold?

• 1:04:19Conan O'Brien?

  Nope, I do not have a cold. These are good questions, though.

• 1:04:22Speaker 02

  Let me, you sound stuffy.

• 1:04:24Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not stuffy at all. In fact, I think I have no congestion. So.

• 1:04:28Speaker 02

  Remember when we had lunch and we were just both being serious with each other?

• 1:04:32Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't. I don't think I've ever had lunch with you.

• 1:04:35Speaker 02

  You've never had lunch, pretty?

• 1:04:36Conan O'Brien?

  I never had a moment with you.

• 1:04:38Speaker 02

  Did you ever worry about your weight?

• 1:04:41Conan O'Brien?

  Should I? Should I worry about my weight?

• 1:04:43Speaker 02

  I don't worry about my weight. I worry about my height.

• 1:04:45Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:04:48Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean?

• 1:04:51Speaker 02

  Baron is tall, isn't he?

• 1:04:53Conan O'Brien?

  Baron Trump. I'm sure he's very tall.

• 1:04:55Speaker 02

  He's tall.

• 1:04:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. You know, when people say you don't prepare, I always say, yes, he does. It all, it's all thought out beforehand. And it says, do you have congestion? I think Baron Trump is tall.

• 1:05:09Conan O'Brien?

  One flows into the other seamlessly.

• 1:05:12Speaker 02

  What, what's on your mind right now? What's your biggest worry right now, besides hosting the Oscars?

• 1:05:16Conan O'Brien?

  I guess ending this. Like, how do I end it in a way that feels? Yeah, feels like we're still friends afterwards. But it's still, but it's still a professional ending to the.

• 1:05:28Speaker 02

  I get it. I get what you're saying. I understand that.

• 1:05:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, the dismount is the hardest part with a Kevin Nealon podcast.

• 1:05:33Speaker 02

  Did you ever do gymnastics? Can you do a somersault? Let's start with that.

• 1:05:37Conan O'Brien?

  I cannot. No, I cannot. Never could. Never could do a somersault.

• 1:05:39Speaker 02

  Really?

• 1:05:40Conan O'Brien?

  Could you do a somersault?

• 1:05:41Speaker 02

  Well, yeah.

• 1:05:41Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, no. Oh, a somersault. I thought you meant like a cartwheel. Yeah. No, yeah, a somersault. Yeah, I could do a somersault, yeah.

• 1:05:47Speaker 02

  I see people backflipping off of a dock.

• 1:05:49Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:05:50Speaker 02

  I think I could try that, because what's the worst that can happen?

• 1:05:53Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, well.

• 1:05:53Speaker 02

  And on the dock. No, you would just, you land in the water somehow.

• 1:05:57Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:05:58Speaker 02

  You ever think about that?

• 1:05:59Conan O'Brien?

  Nope, never.

• 1:06:00Speaker 02

  Maybe they'll leave something to think about in the future.

• 1:06:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I don't think so. I think we're done with that one. I think there's no more meat left on that bone.

• 1:06:07Speaker 02

  Give me a, give me a bone with a lot of meat on it. Let's talk.

• 1:06:09Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 1:06:09Speaker 02

  And then you can edit all the other stuff out.

• 1:06:11Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no. We're keeping it all, because I'm gonna use this. Let me go see your neurologist.

• 1:06:16Speaker 02

  Neurologist?

• 1:06:17Conan O'Brien?

  No, neurologist.

• 1:06:19Speaker 02

  That's not where the tumor is.

• 1:06:23Conan O'Brien?

  Uh...

• 1:06:24Speaker 02

  God, I'm gonna, I'm gonna be driving home and I'm gonna think of a name that, it's a benign on, you know, it's not threatening at all.

• 1:06:30Conan O'Brien?

  It's a cyst.

• 1:06:31Speaker 02

  No, I said it's a tumor. A cyst is, um, like a hard nodule that's...

• 1:06:35Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, okay, alright.

• 1:06:36Speaker 02

  I'm not a doctor, but...

• 1:06:37Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, no.

• 1:06:38Speaker 02

  It's a, um, God, you know what? If you had a good crew, they would have looked it up already. You know?

• 1:06:44Speaker 01

  It's a benign tumor?

• 1:06:45Speaker 02

  There's just sitting there with their mouth, a gap, a gape, a gap, a gape.

• 1:06:49Conan O'Brien?

  It's a gape.

• 1:06:50Speaker 02

  What's the last new word that you learned?

• 1:06:57Speaker 02

  Seriously.

• 1:06:57Conan O'Brien?

  Sona, do something. I don't know.

• 1:06:59Speaker 02

  Coda, did you ever wake up and say, here's the word I'm gonna use today? I'm gonna try and use it like five times.

• 1:07:04Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. I do something. Meningeoma?

• 1:07:08Speaker 02

  Menageoma.

• 1:07:09Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 1:07:09Speaker 02

  Menageoma.

• 1:07:10Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:07:11Speaker 02

  Uh, they call it a tumor, but it's really just a, it's about the size of...

• 1:07:14Conan O'Brien?

  The town in Italy. They have a great...

• 1:07:17Speaker 02

  I feel like I've lost you.

• 1:07:18Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, you lost me a while ago.

• 1:07:19Speaker 02

  I feel like you're just depleted. This, you're not at the top of your game anymore.

• 1:07:22Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, no, you've...

• 1:07:24Speaker 02

  Who's the guest here? Is it you or me?

• 1:07:26Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. You've asked most of the questions. Um...

• 1:07:28Speaker 02

  Because I can't get anything out of you.

• 1:07:30Conan O'Brien?

  How can I, anyone? Does anyone have an idea? Just please end this. Okay.

• 1:07:37Conan O'Brien?

  Kevin, you know I love you.

• 1:07:38Speaker 02

  So this could be our last thing on the planet.

• 1:07:41Conan O'Brien?

  What? No.

• 1:07:42Speaker 02

  You never know.

• 1:07:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I do know. There's gonna be a tomorrow. There's always tomorrow.

• 1:07:45Speaker 02

  Let's wrap it up with something that really is, you know, thoughtful.

• 1:07:48Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:07:49Speaker 02

  And, um, meaningful.

• 1:07:51Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:07:52Speaker 02

  I'm excited for you. I really am excited for you. And there's nothing, uh, there's no, um, underlying, uh, you know, thought here or.

• 1:08:01Conan O'Brien?

  No, I can assure you. I can assure you there is not. I can assure you through hard experience, there is nothing.

• 1:08:06Speaker 02

  You've lost trust in me as a person.

• 1:08:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 1:08:09Speaker 02

  That can connect.

• 1:08:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. I'm not sure I had it ever, but I do.

• 1:08:14Speaker 02

  Well.

• 1:08:14Conan O'Brien?

  I don't, your mind fascinates me. Always has.

• 1:08:17Speaker 02

  It's moving. It moves.

• 1:08:19Conan O'Brien?

  It, sure. Uh, you're.

• 1:08:21Speaker 02

  You're done fighting. You're not even fighting anymore.

• 1:08:24Conan O'Brien?

  You don't think like, you don't think like anyone else. Uh, and I've always admired your integrity as a comedian. And I think you have a unique style. You've stuck to your guns and, uh.

• 1:08:36Speaker 02

  And that's the problem.

• 1:08:37Conan O'Brien?

  That's all.

• 1:08:37Speaker 02

  I need to change guns.

• 1:08:38Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no.

• 1:08:39Speaker 02

  But let me, I was talking about you for a minute. I think that you are, um.

• 1:08:43Conan O'Brien?

  I tried to end it right there. You saw.

• 1:08:45Speaker 02

  You want to go out on a laugh, first of all.

• 1:08:47Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't. I'm secure enough to not go out on a laugh and we can just add one later. I can take a laugh from the old Lucy show and add it.

• 1:08:55Speaker 02

  You know, um, I, I really, I really do. I do appreciate you and I think.

• 1:08:59Conan O'Brien?

  That's funny that you backed away from the mic when you started to say something nice. So far, our mics can't even.

• 1:09:09Speaker 02

  Is that you always, people love you. Do you know the most watched, uh, hike I do, hiking with Kevin on YouTube? It's Conan O'Brien.

• 1:09:17Conan O'Brien?

  Oh.

• 1:09:17Speaker 02

  My son told me that.

• 1:09:18Conan O'Brien?

  That's cool. That's good to know. And you have, uh, Tom Hanks on that? You have all the stars.

• 1:09:22Speaker 02

  Jack Black, Paul Rudd.

• 1:09:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:25Speaker 02

  You.

• 1:09:25Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:26Speaker 02

  I mean, um, Molly Shannon.

• 1:09:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:29Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, but you, you have like, you are so famous. And I think about this a lot. When I go places, I don't get recognized. I think Conan would get recognized here. But you can go to Finland. You can go to China probably and they know who you are.

• 1:09:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, maybe.

• 1:09:45Speaker 02

  Is that hard to, to be that popular for no reason?

• 1:09:52Speaker 01

  It was so close.

• 1:09:54Conan O'Brien?

  No, let's not. We're done. We're done here. We're done. Hey, Kevin, best of luck with your movie.

• 1:10:00Speaker 01

  So close.

• 1:10:01Conan O'Brien?

  Come see me in the good light, starring Stroo to Aben and Lieben Haben. Hiking with Kevin on Fox Nation. And also Kevin on Fox Nation. Hiking with Kevin on Fox Nation. I don't know why I keep having you back, but people do. I don't either. People do love it. Why do I keep coming back? People do love it. This, this, we'll see. We'll see. We'll look at the numbers after this one. But God love you, Kevin. I love you. And just cover up next time we go out, okay? All right? I'll wear a turtleneck. All right, peace out.

• 1:10:37Conan O'Brien?

  We all have those pieces in our closet we can count on. Sona, I imagine for you it's that leather jacket I got you.

• 1:10:43Speaker 01

  Are you gonna do a bit?

• 1:10:44Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, it's a really nice leather jacket I got you once.

• 1:10:46Speaker 01

  I had that and then I replaced it and yes, I use it all the time.

• 1:10:49Conan O'Brien?

  We all have that versatile jacket, the perfect T-shirt, and those are the pieces that make getting dressed easy. And you know what I was thinking about this morning?

• 1:10:58Speaker 01

  What?

• 1:10:59Conan O'Brien?

  Quince. They do it best. They really do. I was really thinking about this.

• 1:11:02Speaker 01

  What a coincidence that we're doing an ad for them.

• 1:11:04Conan O'Brien?

  No, a co- coincidence.

• 1:11:06Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 1:11:09Conan O'Brien?

  That's why I get the big money.

• 1:11:10Speaker 01

  I gotta go.

• 1:11:11Conan O'Brien?

  Cut to a very small amount of money. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials and designs that are timeless, thoughtful, crafted, and made to be worn again and again. And when the temperature starts to drop, Quince makes it easy to build on those everyday staples with versatile layers. Layer up.

• 1:11:27Speaker 01

  Lou.

• 1:11:28Conan O'Brien?

  Now, Blay, you're, you're using some Quince. That's right. I'm spending a lot of time back east in Michigan. It's getting a little colder, so I got a featherless quilted jacket, an Atlas Navy, and I just feel like a different guy. I feel classy. You look like a different guy, because you're well dressed. That's right, exactly. No, I'm serious. He looks like a hobo half the time. That's true. He's right. That's true. No, they, they really do great stuff. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK as well.

• 1:12:00Speaker 01

  All right.

• 1:12:01Conan O'Brien?

  And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Please do that. Say, by the way, I heard about this on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Oh, I didn't really ask. I just want you to know. It's the best way to support the show.

• 1:12:21Conan O'Brien?

  Earth can be a lot. There's gravity, there's mosquitoes.

• 1:12:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:24Conan O'Brien?

  And a sun that will gulf us in about 5 billion years, give or take.

• 1:12:28Speaker 01

  Oh, good.

• 1:12:28Conan O'Brien?

  It is going to eventually incinerate us, the sun, but we've got 5 billion years.

• 1:12:32Speaker 01

  Okay, that's time.

• 1:12:32Conan O'Brien?

  Cosmically speaking, you're under break, so escape to Pluto TV.

• 1:12:36Speaker 01

  That's where this was going.

• 1:12:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yep, I knew the second I saw, the minute I saw the sun exploding and incinerating us, I knew this was going to Pluto TV. Turn off your earthly problems and turn on the movies and shows you already love. From Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy to Dirty Dancing, from Alias to The X-Files, no subscription, no fees, zero dollars. When that sun's pulsating and burning you up, you've got the best thing on TV. And the best things on TV are free. Escape to Pluto TV, stream now, pay never.

• 1:13:08Conan O'Brien?

  So, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.

• 1:13:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:14Conan O'Brien?

  And getting to be yourself. Not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.

• 1:13:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself on a walk with a cousin. With a cousin, why are they getting all specific about?

• 1:13:34Speaker 01

  Because it's family.

• 1:13:35Conan O'Brien?

  But what about a niece or a nephew?

• 1:13:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:39Conan O'Brien?

  Like a walk with an ex-wife. I don't know, I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.

• 1:13:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:46Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse. Crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 1:14:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high-fiving.

• 1:14:16Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. 'Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 1:14:38Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know that we're even gonna use this, but I do, we just ended somehow, the interview with Kevin Nealon, and I want an explanation.

• 1:14:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:47Conan O'Brien?

  I want an honest explanation, and I want people in the room to say, because people put, I don't think it's me, I think it's all him.

• 1:14:55Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:14:55Conan O'Brien?

  And then here it's me too.

• 1:14:57Speaker 01

  It's both of you.

• 1:14:57Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, so what is it?

• 1:14:59Speaker 01

  It's both of you.

• 1:15:00Conan O'Brien?

  What is it? I wanna know.

• 1:15:01Speaker 02

  You can't let it be. I say something, and then you immediately...

• 1:15:04Speaker 03

  Neither can you, neither of you can, so it's just spirals.

• 1:15:07Speaker 02

  Because he gets it wrong, and I have to correct him.

• 1:15:09Speaker 03

  The bigger concern here is that you were able to finally end that podcast, and now you started it up again.

• 1:15:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, but I can't let it, I wanna know, I wanna know what happens.

• 1:15:19Speaker 01

  Do you really, really think you're completely, just not to blame at all about this?

• 1:15:24Conan O'Brien?

  I don't wanna say blame, because that's negative, but I wanna know who the guilty party is.

• 1:15:29Speaker 02

  What happened with the dismount? You talked about a dismount, and you did this much.

• 1:15:32Conan O'Brien?

  I try with you, and it's him, I can do it.

• 1:15:34Speaker 02

  But you get right back on.

• 1:15:35Speaker 01

  You don't try with him.

• 1:15:36Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, so what is it, Eduardo? Everyone's agreeing that I'm half the problem? Am I half the...

• 1:15:41Speaker 05

  Yeah, this, when you two get together, it's like Lakers-Celtics. It's like the Super Bowl. It's a competition.

• 1:15:47Speaker 03

  I think it's like murder and accessory, you know?

• 1:15:50Speaker 02

  Why do you feel like you have to win every time?

• 1:15:53Conan O'Brien?

  It's not that I wanna win, it's just that, I don't know what happens. I honestly don't know what happens.

• 1:15:59Speaker 02

  You want me to leave, and you'll say, "Got him, got him this time."

• 1:16:03Speaker 01

  It's not, do you really think you're trying to have a serious interview, and that Kevin is derailing it? You don't really think that.

• 1:16:09Speaker 02

  No, you can't think that.

• 1:16:10Conan O'Brien?

  Do you think that if I said to him, which I did at one point, like, when I do try to say something serious, he's not gonna have it? You know that, right? If I said to him, "Hey, so the hiking with Kevin, you seem to really enjoy those", he'd say, "I gotta tell you, submersibles." What's really...

• 1:16:25Speaker 03

  But there's also part of me that thinks you're baiting him, you're trolling him a little bit.

• 1:16:29Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:16:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're trolling. You're being a troll.

• 1:16:32Speaker 03

  You're trading straight men.

• 1:16:34Conan O'Brien?

  It's two straight men in a room and no comedian. That's the problem.

• 1:16:37Speaker 03

  It's like you're trading straight men just instantaneously.

• 1:16:40Speaker 02

  Did you see, he listened to you for like, three seconds, and that's a record I've ever seen him listen to somebody? You were actually listening and looking at him.

• 1:16:47Conan O'Brien?

  And when you broke down who I am as a comic, just this, "Hey, yeah, really, really, really, yeah." I mean, what an insulting slam.

• 1:16:58Speaker 02

  That's, no, that's talent, to be able to do that and get away with it. Seriously.

• 1:17:03Conan O'Brien?

  All right, all right. I just wanted a quick. I am, I am happy to accept. I wanted a quick therapy session. I am happy to accept half the fault.

• 1:17:13Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:17:14Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, if we can say fault. Um, but I honestly will tell you, I don't know what's happening when I'm talking to Kevin. I don't know what's happening and I don't think you know what's happening. Oh, I know what's happening. Oh yeah, what's that there buddy boy? You're not crying enough.

• 1:17:31Conan O'Brien?

  Maybe if you cried a little bit, you wouldn't be so, so down. Okay, peace out, Tupac. Thank you Kevin, goodbye. Good dismount.

• 1:17:40Speaker 03

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away Jimmy.

• 1:18:00Speaker 03

  Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of Sirius XM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

• 1:18:51Conan O'Brien?

  When you hear Alka Seltzer, you probably think heartburn, right?

• 1:18:53Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 1:18:54Conan O'Brien?

  Well, did you know Alka Seltzer has a line of cold and flu medications known as Alka Seltzer Cold? Did you know that David?

• 1:19:01Speaker 05

  No, but I feel like we need it.

• 1:19:02Conan O'Brien?

  Why didn't you know that David?

• 1:19:04Speaker 05

  I know, you expect me to know everything.

• 1:19:06Conan O'Brien?

  I knew this because I, yeah, I've tried it, it's really good. And I like that fizzy, fizzy, fizzy when you drop the. Alka-Seltzer Cold. You do, yeah. Alka-Seltzer Cold Fast Dissolves Tablets are designed to deliver cold and flu relief fast. Just drop the two tablets in water and hear those bubbles bursting into action, ready to work faster than pills. Bubbles faster than pills. Pills take time to dissolve, not bubbles. Next time a cold or flu strikes, quick! Alka-Seltzer Cold, nothing works faster for cold and flu symptom relief. Among oral products, use as directed.

• 1:19:40Speaker 06

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