How Do I Learn to Love Myself, Really? | The Mel Robbins Podcast

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — Whatever you're doing right now, stop and make time for this conversation. Every single day, I get questions from listeners about self-love, self-hatred, and what it actually means to like yourself. I understand why it’s confusing. The topic of #selflove is so broad, and there is very little actionable advice on how exactly you learn to like yourself, especially if you’ve spent your whole life being hard on yourself. So don’t worry, I’ve decided to attack this topic of self-love in a completely unique, surprising, and tactical manner. This is also one of the most personal episodes I’ve released because I’m inviting you to join a conversation I’m having with our 17-year-old son, Oakley. This is not a “podcast interview.” This is an intimate conversation between a mother and a son about the most important topic you could discuss: self-love. When Oakley was in middle school, he hated himself, and as his mom, it was awful to see him so lonely and sad. In today’s conversation, he shares things with me about this time in his life that I never knew. And more importantly, we unpack the moment he had an epiphany that changed everything. You will absolutely relate to everything he shares and his reflections about it. I’m so proud to share this conversation with you. You will be blown away because you’ll not only feel like you’re part of our family, but we’re also welcoming you into our hearts. You will laugh out loud, even though your heart might break a little. And by the end of it, you’ll have not only wisdom, but also a couple of simple tools to help you learn how to like yourself a little more. This conversation is a must-listen for EVERYONE in your life. And especially for young adults because when they hear these insights from someone their age, it’s way more compelling than getting #advice from an adult. I do want to be up front about one thing: Oakley is 17 and like most 17-year-olds, whether they do it in front of you or not, he has a case of the F’s, meaning he drops the F-word a fair number of times, and I made a decision to record it as is and allow him to speak freely. And, I just can’t emphasize enough how much insight this is going to give you into your own relationship with yourself. I hope you will make the time to spend a half hour with the two of us, because I know you will leave feeling seen, understood, and liking yourself a little better. I cannot wait to hear what you learn. Xo Mel In this episode, you’ll learn: - Science-backed research around the habit of liking yourself - Why we beat ourselves up in the first place - Two powerful epiphanies my son had around his own self-esteem - The life-changing mantra that you can start repeating to yourself today - What it looks like to like yourself - What happens when you start to like yourself - Two new habits that will train your brain to like who you are, right now In this episode: 00:00 Intro 02:49 It is never too early or late to start working on self-acceptance… 03:39 Research - being kinder yourself is the biggest indicator of your happiness 09:42 Oakley’s road to self-acceptance, the struggle to love himself 13:46 How small moments of judgment impact self acceptance 16:29 Why Oakley stopped hating how he looked in the mirror 22:24 Oakley’s epiphany: you only go through life with yourself 23:47 The 5 words that will change your life 30:17 Step 1 to loving yourself: Find something small you love about yourself 33:12 Step 2: Name a win each day 35:17 Step 3: Use the High 5 Habit 39:08 Compliment each other, it feels good 40:36 You can only control how you show up for yourself and others — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to an absolutely freaking amazing episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 0:14Mel Robbins?

  Whew, I gotta take a deep breath because I have some serious goosebumps about what's gonna go down today with you and me. You're about to hear a conversation that I just had with our 17-year-old son Oakley. Here's what we're talking about. We're talking about self-hatred and self-acceptance and learning how to be kinder to yourself and self-love. And you're gonna hear that our son used to struggle deeply with hating himself. And this was happening during elementary school, during middle school, and it was absolutely terrifying for Chris and I to watch one of our kids struggle so profoundly.

• 0:57Mel Robbins?

  He was always picked on, he didn't have a lot of friends, he spent a lot of time alone, he always felt like the odd guy out. And we tried absolutely everything to reach this kid, to help him. And so Oak and I had this long conversation about it because now he's 17 and he is so happy. In fact, he's one of the most self-accepting and self-dessured and self-loving people I know. And you're gonna hear that 17-year-old happier version of him. And the reason why I wanted to share this really personal conversation with you is

• 1:36Mel Robbins?

  because this is proof that you can learn how to accept yourself and be kinder to yourself and even how to love yourself and who you're becoming at any age. I mean, I think it's incredible that he figured this out so young. For me, I've been working on this literally daily and I'm 54. And so if you struggle with self-acceptance, if you struggle with being kind to yourself... It is never too early or too late to have an enormous breakthrough in your relationship to yourself. And this is really important. It's really important because, based on the research, there was this massive study

• 2:16Mel Robbins?

  done in the UK where they took a look at absolutely every single behavior or attitude change you could make or you could practice in terms of improving your life. And they looked at everything. They looked at changing your diet, practicing gratitude, having a meditation practice, exercising regularly, seeing your friends more, all the things that we know we should be doing, right? But do you know that the single behavior change that has the biggest and most profound impact on your quality of your day-to-day life is simply being kinder to yourself? Yeah, that's right. According to the research, being kinder to yourself, learning how to accept and love

• 2:56Mel Robbins?

  yourself, it is the biggest mover in terms of your happiness, meaning, confidence, all of it. And the sad thing about this study is that habit of being kinder to yourself, of accepting yourself, of loving yourself, it's the one we practice the least. And so today's episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast is a deeply personal, encouraging, optimistic, at times funny because it's so relatable and sad, conversation that could change your life. And I'm going to invite you to listen because I'm sure there are aspects of yourself that you hate or that you trash.

• 3:36Mel Robbins?

  I'm sure, like me, you're still working on being kinder to yourself and loving yourself. And so there's something here for you. And there's definitely something here for you to share with the high schoolers and college kids and middle schoolers in your life. When you hear a kid like Oakley describe in detail

• 3:57Mel Robbins?

  The things he hated about himself when he was in sixth grade and seventh grade and eighth grade, these are things I didn't even know that he hated about himself. This is so relatable to other kids and to other young adults that you're gonna want to share this with everybody. The way that this is gonna go is I'm gonna bring you into this really personal conversation that Oakley and I had. There'll be times where I stop and I give you more tools that you can use so that you can learn how to love yourself and practice this habit of being kinder to yourself. Because this is exactly what my last book, The High Five Habit, was all about. The science and the research and the habits of learning how to be kind to and cheer for and love yourself.

• 4:39Mel Robbins?

  And one final thing that I want to say before we jump into this is I know that many of you are gonna write to me about my relationship with Oakley. Because that's what happened when you heard the episode where my daughter Kendall and I were talking. The fact is, I do have a really unique relationship with Oak. And it's probably a byproduct of a number of things. First of all, he is our third kid. And you know that you're kinda different with all your kids, so he's the third. He's also got two older sisters who are major oversharers, okay? And so they have not only micromanaged their little brother, they have also dumped all of their own feelings and struggles and everything with him, and they have yanked his stories

• 5:24Mel Robbins?

  out of him. On top of that, my husband, Christopher, Oak's dad, is a yoga instructor. He leads a men's retreat called Soul Degree. He's studying to be a death doula. He is a very deep, introspective guy, and that has definitely impacted Oakley. And one final thing. You know, there have been several pretty bad bullying incidents that Oakley has survived. And in each one, I was the one that went barreling in to protect the kid. When he was bullied at this camp, Mama Bear Mel Robbins, I put the pedal to the metal

• 6:05Mel Robbins?

  and I floored it 120 miles an hour to that camp and squealed in there and marched into that camp director's office and gave that camp director a new one, and then I ripped my kid out of there. And I think, having seen me just go...

• 6:23Mel Robbins?

  Explosive on his behalf. I think it makes him way more open with me about what's going on. So with all of that as a background and one final disclaimer. He is 17. He is in that stage in high school. Every kid goes through it, whether they do it in front of you or not. It's the F's stage where they drop the F-bomb all the time and they're all the cool kid. And I made a decision. That as he was talking, I didn't want to become the corrective mom. I wanted to just let the conversation flow. And so you will hear this 17 year old drop the F-bomb occasionally. So please do not have the littles around, protect their little ears.

• 7:07Mel Robbins?

  And just know that we edited some of them out, but we left a bunch in. Because I just wanted you to hear. A very honest conversation about self hatred and self love. Between a 17 year old boy and his mom. All right.

• 7:26Mel Robbins?

  Let's jump into it. This is really like your debut on the podcast.

• 7:32Speaker 01

  Feels great. Glad to be here.

• 7:34Mel Robbins?

  Okay. I'm glad you're here too.

• 7:38Speaker 01

  Thanks for having me.

• 7:39Mel Robbins?

  You're welcome. So I want to talk to you about the topic of self love. Because the majority of people struggle with accepting, liking and loving themselves.

• 7:51Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:52Mel Robbins?

  And you are 17 years old and you seem to have had a profound breakthrough.

• 7:59Mel Robbins?

  In truly authentically liking and loving yourself. And I was not like that at 17. At 17, I fricking hated myself. And I have not truly started learning all about self acceptance and self kindness and self love. Until the last couple of years. And so I want to know.

• 8:22Mel Robbins?

  Was there a moment that you had an epiphany? Or like, what fricking happened?

• 8:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'd love to tell you.

• 8:33Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 8:34Speaker 01

  So.

• 8:34Mel Robbins?

  Maybe you should give everybody a little background of Oakley before he loved himself. Okay.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  So to give context, uh, 13, I feel like you start to become very self-conscious. Like 11 to 13 is when it starts.

• 8:48Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 8:48Speaker 01

  I think that's when it begins. So I'd say that I started to be a little self-conscious when I was 13. I had very short hair, like so short to the point where it wasn't even curly like it is now. It was blue and red and bleach and pink. And it was every color. It was every color.

• 9:14Mel Robbins?

  Why was it every color?

• 9:16Speaker 01

  Cause I really wanted to just do that. I woke up one day and I was like, I want that, I want that. And then like a few months later, I was like, oh my God, I don't want this. And I couldn't do anything about it because my whole head was literally a different color.

• 9:30Speaker 01

  So I think that's when I started to be like, oh, like, I don't know. Like, I'm not liking myself right now. And also like, I feel like I was definitely struggling with weight issue. I don't know. I'd look at myself and look at, I was 13. I was 13. It was, it was, it was weird.

• 9:43Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, but what would you look in the mirror and see?

• 9:45Speaker 01

  Chubby cheeks, double chin, man boobs, moobs.

• 9:51Speaker 01

  Get out of the shower and be like, ugh, no. And I was 13, like I was so young.

• 9:56Mel Robbins?

  You told me a story once about.

• 9:58Speaker 01

  The jeans.

• 9:58Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 9:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, so 7th grade Oakley, bleached hair, no eyebrows. I didn't have eyebrows.

• 10:06Mel Robbins?

  Well, they hadn't, they were there.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  They hadn't like.

• 10:08Mel Robbins?

  But they were really, really blonde.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  Very blonde. So it looked like I had no eyebrows. I had blonde hair. And one day I wore skinny jeans and I just like, liked how they felt. Like I liked the look of skinny jeans on me.

• 10:21Speaker 01

  So I continued to wear them every single day, every single day, like

• 10:24Mel Robbins?

  I remember this.

• 10:25Speaker 01

  October to like, um, April and like, you know, that first day in April where it like, is just warm enough where you can like, not have to wear a sweatshirt, like, wear shorts for the first time and you're like, fuck, yeah, like, winter's over.

• 10:37Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 10:38Speaker 01

  And so I'm like, winter's over, like, let me throw on a pair of shorts and I go to school, I'm so excited and the first, like, no one even says good morning. The first thing everybody says is, your legs look so weird. And I was like, like, what? Like, this is the first time I'm ever not wearing like jeans and everybody's making fun of my legs. And I'm like, oh my God. So for the rest of the year, I wore jeans, even in like 70 and 80 degree weather, because I was so worried about people being like, your legs look weird.

• 11:07Mel Robbins?

  That's so sad.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  I know, because I was just like, oh my God, they think my legs look weird. Like, I don't want to stand out. I don't want them to look at my legs.

• 11:14Mel Robbins?

  What was it like that day at school with shorts on, having had somebody say publicly?

• 11:22Speaker 01

  It was more than one person, more than multiple people said my legs look weird. It was like, I just wanted to find a pair of jeans. I wanted to find a pair of pants anywhere. I would have fucking taken anything. I would have worn, I would have worn leggings. Like, I don't care. Give me literally anything other than shorts and I will be fine. But I just like, I didn't even want, it's not that I wanted to leave. I just like, wanted to get the attention away from myself and I had no idea what to do or how to do it. So I just kind of like sat there and thought about it all day. And I was like, my legs do look weird.

• 11:54Mel Robbins?

  Hmm.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  What happens is when someone's self-conscious, they want to draw as little attention that was possible. So they just are like, let me throw all this attention on somebody else. So when they're super self-conscious, they're like, oh, look at your shoes. Like, who wears those? To like, get everybody to look at their, your shoes instead of like, look at their hair. I don't think they ever like commented about my weight. That was never a comment, but it was always like my hair or like, the way I acted or stuff like that, where people would comment about it. Um, and I think it just like spiraled into other things, like me like, being like, oh, if they don't like this, then I'm guessing they don't like this. And it was like a spiral and it was negative and it was not good. So, very self-conscious, very like, ooh, continued into eighth grade and then

• 12:36Mel Robbins?

  What happened? Cause this sounds terrible.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  What changed?

• 12:38Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, what changed? Because I think we can all relate to this. Where you look in the mirror and you focus on what you don't like. Right. You have an experience of just wanting the attention to be off of you and wanting people to accept you or wanting to fit in. Every single one of us can relate to that Jean story, Oakley. Yeah. And I think we discount how these tiny moments where somebody picks on you or criticizes something about your appearance or your voice or your height or your skin color, how it affects us. It stays with you forever. As you're talking, Oak, I can remember an incident that happened in my life. I'll tell you about it when we come back.

• 13:30Mel Robbins?

  Okay, so your Jean story reminded me of this thing that happened in my life. It was ninth grade. And this movie Flashdance was super popular. Jennifer Beals was the star of it. And I was so in love with that movie that I marched right to my mom's hairdresser and asked them to give me a Jennifer Beals perm. Now, to get curly hair like Jennifer Beals, you had to get layers first. And then I got a perm. I walked out of there. Tight curls, wavy, big, mopy perm head. I thought it was fantastic. And so the next day, I go to school, Oak, and I'm wearing a sweatshirt, of course, with my shoulder exposed because that was the Flashdance dance look.

• 14:14Mel Robbins?

  I didn't even take dance classes. I had my bouncy, full, new Jennifer Beals poodle perm. And I walked in, and I'll never forget walking down that hall, just like you with the jeans. It wasn't one person that pointed out the perm. It wasn't one person that laughed. It was like everybody in that hallway.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Right.

• 14:37Mel Robbins?

  And I went home that night, just like you went home and you never wore shorts again. I went home that night and washed my hair about 25 times to try to wash the perm out, which you actually can't do. It just makes it frizzier. What happens in those moments is that none of us, when we're kids, have the ability to turn to the people criticizing us and be like, "You friggin idiots." My legs are fine. What we do in those moments where we feel separate is we turn against ourselves.

• 15:13Speaker 01

  Right.

• 15:14Mel Robbins?

  And it's those tiny moments that happen over and over and over again where we turn against ourselves and we become obsessed with making other people not pick on us or like us or fitting in. That's where we lose that connection to self. Like, because when you turn against yourself, it's literally an act of self-hatred.

• 15:35Mel Robbins?

  So what happened next for you?

• 15:39Speaker 01

  All right. So what happens is eighth grade comes around.

• 15:41Mel Robbins?

  Now, would you say at this point you like, didn't like yourself? Or like, where were you about your relationship with them?

• 15:48Speaker 01

  It was very like, I'd say it was like 70/30. Liked myself 30%, didn't like myself 70%.

• 15:54Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 15:55Speaker 01

  But eighth grade, you know, I'm older, I look a little bit older. It was a good year. I'd say it was a good year. I kind of got over that. I wore shorts. I kept wearing sweatshirts though. My, the top half of my body was a big like, no thank you. Because I, I like, my boobs, my man boobs, they were not it. It was like, ugh, my god.

• 16:13Mel Robbins?

  Okay, this is fascinating.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  We're getting to the point.

• 16:17Mel Robbins?

  Because I never thought you had man boobs.

• 16:20Speaker 01

  I did. I'd get out of the shower and I'd like, take a step and I'd like, see him like, go up.

• 16:24Mel Robbins?

  They jiggle?

• 16:25Speaker 01

  I'd be like, "No, dude!"

• 16:29Speaker 01

  Then I'd like, put my towel on around my like, upper half, like a girl does, like, put the bun on. I'd just like do the top, walk to my room, put my clothes on, throw, I'd always wear a sweatshirt on. I don't think there was ever a time where I didn't have a sweatshirt on.

• 16:39Mel Robbins?

  You know, Sawyer did the same thing when she was going through puberty, because she hated the way her body looked. I knew what was going on with Sawyer, but you never shared this with me. I had no idea that you hated your body.

• 16:53Speaker 01

  Yeah. And so, what happened is, 2020, big like, lockdown, everybody's screaming and scared and-

• 17:02Mel Robbins?

  Shut up, they weren't helping you stop.

• 17:03Speaker 01

  We are all in the shit show, except for me. It was a time of recreational activities, no one making fun of me, and nothing to do ever. Now, I'm not gonna like, be like, oh, like, people had it so easy, like, no, it was fucking horrible for so many people. But for me, as a 14-year-old boy, it was the time of my goddamn life.

• 17:25Mel Robbins?

  Oh my god.

• 17:27Speaker 01

  I'd wake up, I'd play games all day, I'd jump on the trampoline, I'd hang out with my dogs, I would eat whatever the hell I wanted, it was fantastic.

• 17:35Mel Robbins?

  Oh my-

• 17:36Speaker 01

  And I noticed that I'd stop looking in the mirror and being like, I don't look a certain way. Or, I, I'm worried that this way that I look right now is gonna upset people, or, all that, because I didn't have anybody to show, I didn't have anybody to see.

• 17:52Mel Robbins?

  That's right, you weren't going to school.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  I wasn't going anywhere, I wasn't seeing anybody, I didn't care.

• 17:57Mel Robbins?

  I have to stop you, because I want to point out two really critical things. Number one, you stopped caring about what other people thought.

• 18:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:09Mel Robbins?

  Now, look, you had it easy, because you were locked in your house, so you didn't have to see people.

• 18:14Speaker 01

  Right.

• 18:14Mel Robbins?

  But when you can figure out how to care more about how you feel today about yourself, rather than focusing on caring whether or not people are gonna pick on you for the skinny jeans, or your poodle perm, in my case, when you can actually stop caring, and you can care more about your own happiness, that, right there, changes everything. And so, what you're describing, is you had this epiphany that we all need to have, which is, the only thing that matters is whether or not you're waking up today, and you are gonna do things that make you happy. That's the only thing that you should care about. And there's a second thing that I want to point out.

• 18:58Mel Robbins?

  Instead of being surrounded by people who were critical of you, which is what was happening in school, you were now stuck at home with four people who love you.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  Exactly. I knew they loved me and I knew that they respected me. And I'd wake up every day and I wouldn't like look in the mirror and be like, "Well, there are my man boobs. There's like my ugly ass double chin." I wouldn't, I wouldn't see that. I'd look in the mirror and be like, "Today's, today's the day. Time to go fucking play Xbox for 30 hours." Like, you know, it was awesome because we were all together and it was awesome. But it was just like, I was walking every day and I was enjoying my time and I wasn't ever like getting down on myself. And what I came to realize is that when I worry about what other people think of me, it like drags me the hell down. And when I didn't think about other people or I didn't think about what they were thinking about me, I wasn't like, "Yeah, like I bet they look so stupid right now." Or "I bet their hair looks ugly."

• 19:53Speaker 01

  Because like, I didn't know, nor did I give a shit. So I wasn't trying to impress anybody and no one was trying to impress me. So what I really realized was that when social scenarios get in the way and you are worried about what other people think of you, that's when you get down on yourself.

• 20:13Mel Robbins?

  Well, one of the things that I've noticed about you, Oakley, is that you're not on social media a lot. And based on the research, there's a lot of kids that came out of that two-year weird period in our lives way worse in terms of mental health because they were mainlining social media. So even though they weren't in school, they were online doing that comparison thing in isolation on their own. It is so freaking damaging when you mainline social media and say to yourself, "Well, I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I wish I looked like that." And so I think that's an important thing to point out, Oak, that you weren't sitting there doing that

• 20:58Mel Robbins?

  probably because you were on Xbox playing video games for 30 hours a day. But that's a big deal.

• 21:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:04Mel Robbins?

  So there was a very poignant moment you described to me, Oak, that I keep thinking about and I want you to share it with us when we come back.

• 21:21Mel Robbins?

  Okay, so there was this very poignant moment, Oak, you described to me, where you had this amazing breakthrough. Can you share what your realization was?

• 21:31Speaker 01

  Yeah. You only go through life with yourself. You are the only person that you wake up with and you go to sleep with every single night and every single day. And you are the only person that you need to please. You are not going to live your whole life with the ability to please everyone else, because that's not going to make you happy. Because at the end of the day, if you're not happy, other people's happiness won't boost you. It won't make you feel better.

• 21:56Mel Robbins?

  It's a crazy, simple way to explain how profound it is when you learn how to accept, be kind to, and eventually love yourself. And you said something to me when we were talking about this that I thought was really like so simple, but also gut-wrenching in its truth, which is when you were removed from the situation of walking into school, where you were worried people are going to pick on you, worried about whether you fit in, trying to get the attention off you, and you were just quarantining with me and dad and your two older sisters, you had this epiphany where you're like, well...

• 22:41Speaker 01

  There's nothing wrong with me.

• 22:43Mel Robbins?

  There's nothing wrong with me.

• 22:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:49Mel Robbins?

  Those five words, "There's nothing wrong with me", that will change your entire life. I mean, just imagine how big of a breakthrough it is if you could wake up every single day and believe there's nothing wrong with me. Because the fact is, there is nothing wrong with you.

• 23:10Speaker 01

  Right.

• 23:11Mel Robbins?

  You know, I spent, God, Oak, 40-plus years of my life waking up every day believing there was something wrong with me. And one of the first things that everybody has to do if they're gonna have a breakthrough in self-acceptance and self-kindness, you must start to tell yourself, "There's nothing wrong with me." That right there, if you could just do that, would completely change your relationship with yourself. Because we can't stop what other people might say, but you can absolutely alter and reprogram the way you talk to yourself. And so, I just wanna point out that that bar right there, "There's nothing wrong with

• 23:56Mel Robbins?

  me," if you just flip from constantly looking for what's wrong, and now you start reminding yourself, "There's nothing wrong with me." Yeah, there are things that I could improve, of course, but there's nothing wrong with me. That is acceptance, right there.

• 24:08Speaker 01

  Right. It is.

• 24:10Mel Robbins?

  And then, you had this second epiphany, which is, you thought, "Well, if nothing's wrong with me, why don't I just like myself?" What a radical idea.

• 24:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:23Mel Robbins?

  Imagine how much your life changes when you say to yourself, "Why don't I just like myself?" I mean, other people can have opinions, but why don't I just like myself? Exactly as I am. I mean, I'm a good person. I'm trying hard. What's stopping me from liking myself?

• 24:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:42Mel Robbins?

  Well, if you're like most of us, you're basically holding some goal out as the thing that you gotta do. Like, "Oh, I'd like myself if I lost 30 pounds. I'd like myself if I didn't have man boobs. I'd like myself if I didn't have bills piled up to the ceiling. I'd like myself if I didn't make all those mistakes." See, that's where we get it all wrong. Liking yourself is not gonna happen just because you lose the weight. You could make a decision to like yourself, exactly where you are, because you deserve that.

• 25:18Mel Robbins?

  And you need it.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:20Mel Robbins?

  When you like yourself, what happens, and I noticed this with you, Oakley, is that you start to act like you like yourself. You start to be kinder to yourself. The more you treat yourself as if you like yourself, the more other people can have their opinions, but your opinion is that you think you're a pretty good person, and you treat yourself kindly, and then it starts to snowball from there.

• 25:47Speaker 01

  Right.

• 25:48Mel Robbins?

  So imagine if you realize that the only thing that's stopping you from liking yourself is your own judgment.

• 25:57Mel Robbins?

  That means you have the power to remove the judgment and add in kindness. And that changes everything. And that's not only something that makes a lot of sense, Oak. Like, when you look in the mirror and you're like, "Oh, I hate my boobs." Do you feel motivated to do something? No, of course not. That's why I can't make a difference with you, because the lack of motivation comes from your self-criticism.

• 26:25Mel Robbins?

  And so this whole thing hinges on acceptance first, and then kindness towards self. That's exactly how everything changes.

• 26:38Mel Robbins?

  And I watched that happen with you, Oak.

• 26:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, why not just like yourself?

• 26:42Mel Robbins?

  Well, that brings me to something. So I want to read to you a question from somebody that listens to the podcast.

• 26:49Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 26:51Mel Robbins?

  Corinne Schillinger. Everyone says, "Love yourself, accept yourself, validate yourself." These are general terms. No one actually knows what that means. What does loving yourself actually look like? What does that mean in our everyday lives? Please do an episode about what loving, accepting, and validating yourself looks like, feels like, specific examples. So many people are frustrated and confused by the advice, "Love yourself." So what does that mean? And give specific examples of what you do.

• 27:29Speaker 01

  It is an incredibly broad term.

• 27:32Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 27:32Speaker 01

  Just "love yourself." So easy to say. The way I like myself is...

• 27:39Speaker 01

  I feel like there's always little things. There's always little things about yourself that you can find that you like.

• 27:43Mel Robbins?

  So number one, find something little.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  You know, it doesn't have to be big.

• 27:47Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 27:48Speaker 01

  It doesn't have to be big.

• 27:48Mel Robbins?

  So give us, give us three examples of little things you, you like or love about yourself.

• 27:53Speaker 01

  Right now?

• 27:53Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 27:55Speaker 01

  I haven't looked at a mirror recently, but I think I like my hair right now. Pretty sure I like my hair right now. I'm liking my smile right now. I really like my smile. Um, and I'm also liking,

• 28:10Speaker 01

  I'm also liking like who I am in my friend group right now.

• 28:12Mel Robbins?

  What does that mean? So what do you like about who you are? Give me a specific example.

• 28:17Speaker 01

  It's kind of like how I'm acting with my friends and how I'm treating them and how I'm like respecting them and being there for them. I'm, I'm, I'm enjoying that. I'm liking that about myself.

• 28:23Mel Robbins?

  You're proud of yourself?

• 28:24Speaker 01

  I am proud of myself.

• 28:25Mel Robbins?

  Can you give another example that is not about something physical?

• 28:31Speaker 01

  About something physical? I'm proud of how I'm doing in school. I'm doing pretty well in school.

• 28:34Mel Robbins?

  And do you know why you're doing well?

• 28:38Speaker 01

  Cause I'm trying.

• 28:39Mel Robbins?

  Yes. So you're proud of yourself for trying?

• 28:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, I am. See, it's like those little things like, oh, I don't like the way my stomach looks or I don't like the way I look.

• 28:49Mel Robbins?

  Or I don't like my grades or I don't like this. And then you don't feel motivated.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 28:52Mel Robbins?

  Cause you're beating yourself down.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 28:54Mel Robbins?

  And so you find number one, little teeny things.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  They can literally be like, I like the color of my eye right now. It doesn't have to be like, I look like a god. No, just has to be like very little.

• 29:06Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, start with, I love my, the, the shape or the color of my eyes.

• 29:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:11Mel Robbins?

  I love the sound of my laugh. Find something small. And I'm focusing on simple and small habits. Because this is not something that happens overnight. Self-acceptance, self-kindness, self-love is a habit. You have to practice it every single day. Find one small thing that you like about yourself. It could be that you're a great friend, that you have an amazing laugh, that you're a wonderful cook, that you're a terrific son, that you try really hard at work, that you are proud of the way you're working on your boundaries. And if you can't think of something, look in that mirror and look at your iris and just compliment

• 29:54Mel Robbins?

  the incredible miracle that is that unique pattern and color that is unique to you of eight billion people on this planet.

• 30:05Mel Robbins?

  You're the only one with an eyeball that is designed and looks like that. And that is freaking cool.

• 30:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:12Mel Robbins?

  But I just wanted to take a minute and say, it's hard. You know, Oak sounds really upbeat and so do I. And we're joking around because we have a great relationship and Oakley doesn't hate himself anymore. And I'm actively working on self-kindness and self-love. But it's hard, right, Oak?

• 30:32Speaker 01

  It's definitely hard. It's not going to be easy to love yourself and it takes time. It's like a muscle. I'd say it's definitely like a muscle. When you work at it and you start off small, like start off with small weight and then you get bigger, it becomes easier. When you start to try and work at it and you work more, it's going to become more unconscious that you are nice about yourself.

• 30:53Mel Robbins?

  Oh, my gosh, Oak. That's the high five habit. The most important habit that helps with self-love and self-acceptance. I'm going to explain it. Cool?

• 31:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:02Mel Robbins?

  Okay, cool. So, the high five habit, super simple. Don't overthink this. I will do an entire episode about the high five habit, probably in January, because there's so much science to cover and so many stories to tell you. Here it is. Tomorrow morning, after you finish brushing your teeth, put the toothbrush down and now I want you to do the high five habit. First, you look in the mirror. For many of you, that's going to be the hardest part. Fifty percent of men and women, based on our research, cannot or will not look themselves in the mirror because they do not like the person they see. And so, I don't want you to be surprised if simply looking at yourself in the mirror is really difficult. Step two.

• 31:44Mel Robbins?

  You are then going to raise your hand and high five your reflection. It's just unbelievable what happens when you simply high five yourself in the mirror. When you go to raise your hand, I don't want you to say anything. Nothing. It's just about the action and watching yourself high five yourself. The action alone of high fiving yourself does all the work neurologically, physiologically, chemically, and psychologically. We've had 164,000 people in 91 countries go through a five-day challenge with me called the High Five Challenge and the results are just irrefutable. It will take less than five days for you to have a breakthrough in self-love if you simply look in the mirror every morning and send yourself into your day

• 32:29Mel Robbins?

  by high fiving yourself in the mirror. You may laugh. The reason why you laugh is because your brain releases dopamine. This is really normal. You might burst into tears. That's also very normal because you may not have looked at yourself for real or been kind to yourself for real in years. This is the fastest way, based on science, to start rewiring your brain and to have a breakthrough in being kind and loving to yourself. And it works at a reprogramming level in your nervous system and in your brain. All right, Oakley, thank you for letting me do that.

• 33:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:07Mel Robbins?

  Um, let's bring it home.

• 33:09Speaker 01

  Actually, I have another thing I want to say.

• 33:11Mel Robbins?

  Tell me.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  Guys, compliment each other.

• 33:13Mel Robbins?

  Oh, great idea.

• 33:14Speaker 01

  Bring up positive things about your friends. Like, if you don't want to draw attention to yourself and you want to draw attention to each other, be like, I love the way your hair looks right now. Or that was a really good point you brought up in that meeting or in class. Or just like, that feels good. You can make other people feel good.

• 33:29Mel Robbins?

  Yes, you can, and it makes you feel good. And one of the things that I learned later as a parent that I now do a great job at is I don't just compliment how you look. I compliment.

• 33:41Speaker 01

  A specific part of how I look.

• 33:43Mel Robbins?

  That's not what I was gonna say.

• 33:44Speaker 01

  What the fuck were you gonna say?

• 33:45Mel Robbins?

  I was gonna say your character. Your great friend.

• 33:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:50Mel Robbins?

  You try really hard.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:51Mel Robbins?

  I love that you, I love, you know what I love most about you? Other than your like amazing.

• 33:57Speaker 01

  Aura.

• 33:58Mel Robbins?

  Yep, your aura is great. I love your aura. I would say it's purple.

• 34:03Speaker 01

  It's like purply green.

• 34:05Mel Robbins?

  Yes, there's a little green fuzz there.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 34:07Mel Robbins?

  No, what I would say about you that I love most is I really admire how in tune you are with your own values and how you live by them. I admire that in you.

• 34:22Speaker 01

  Thank you, Mo.

• 34:23Mel Robbins?

  You're welcome.

• 34:24Speaker 01

  It is important to compliment personality. I think personality is like even bigger than looks. I feel like when I get compliments on like how I act, I feel like so much better when I get like a compliment on how I look.

• 34:33Mel Robbins?

  Of course, because you can control how you show up. You can't control what you look like.

• 34:40Mel Robbins?

  Well, I love you.

• 34:42Speaker 01

  I love you too.

• 34:43Mel Robbins?

  And I believe in you.

• 34:44Speaker 01

  And I believe in you guys.

• 34:45Mel Robbins?

  And I believe in your ability to learn how to love yourself, to be kinder to yourself, to cheer yourself forward.

• 34:53Speaker 01

  And we're rooting for you all the way.

• 34:55Mel Robbins?

  That's why we're here, and we'll see you in a few days.

• 34:58Speaker 01

  Yes, we will.