Shitting Gold w/ David Cross | Your Mom's House Ep. 856

The End is Ari's new storytelling show! And it's finally here! Only at https://theend.ymhstudios.com/ . Get 7 full, hour long episodes of completely unfiltered stories for $29.99. Get it now! Check out David Cross' newest special The End Of The Beginning Of The End at https://officialdavidcross.com/ SPONSORS: - Head to https://Wayfair.com April 25th through the 27th to shop Way Day. - Find LUCY near you at lucy.co/stores, or save 20% on your first online order at https://lucy.co/YMH with promo code YMH. - For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/YMH. Mommy! On this episode of Your Mom's House, Tom and Christina talk about Tina's recent performances and how she's actively working to the make the Comedy Mothership gayer. They then open the show with another clip courtesy of Kinky Unc, before moving on to cool gmail guy, some cool chiropractors, and that knucklehead cornhole pro with no limbs. The mommies are then joined by actor and comedian David Cross. David promotes his new comedy special THE END OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END, produced by Tom and YMH Studios and gets a hard lesson in TikTok slop before the trio discuss everything from college education to gold dipped steak. They also talk furries, British fetishes, Roosevelt Island, the Perfect Smile, Machu Picchu, and a clip so wild, David Cross had to get out of his seat to get a closer look! Enjoy! Your Mom’s House Ep. 856 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:07:32 - Opening Clip: Stop Teasing Me 00:19:02 - Can't Trust Internet Girls 00:23:26 - Really Cool Chiropractors 00:30:40 - Quadriplegic Cornhole Pro 00:38:26 - Clip: Strong Ass Fish 00:40:31 - David Cross & College Education 00:49:18 - The End of the Beginning of the End 00:59:44 - Golden Shit 01:06:28 - Roosevelt Island & Silver Lake 01:15:22 - TikToks 01:22:40 - Fake Plastic Teeth 01:26:01 - Furries & Fetishes 01:31:36 - More TikToks 01:39:50 - Closing Song - "TikTok All Stars" by Captain Marc Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your mother is doing stand-up. And I've just added Brea, California, June 5th and 6th. Get your tickets at ChristinaP.com.

• 0:22Tom Segura?

  Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. We're gonna talk about some hard-hitting, real stuff this week. Get ready, there's a crisis happening in the world and we're the place to figure out how to resolve it.

• 0:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right, Tim.

• 0:34Tom Segura?

  That's right. So, a lot of serious issues that we're gonna get into on this show. Couple of things to just let you know. The End, Ari Shaffir's storytelling show, is out. It's at YMHstudios.com right now. We produced it. It's an epic, I believe, is it six, seven part? How many parts is it?

• 0:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Seven.

• 0:56Tom Segura?

  Seven episodes. Crazy lineup. Shane Gillis, Nate Bargatze, Tony Hinchcliffe, Ms. Pat, Krista Stefano, Ali Siddique, Jordan Jensen, and so on and so on. I'm in one of the episodes. It's a lot of fun and we put a lot into it and it came out amazing. So, please check it out if you have not. It's at YMHstudios.com. Also, Gene over here is on the road.

• 1:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm road dogging. I just did mothership this weekend and thank you to everybody who came out. The shows were extraordinary and it was so much fun. And I'm gonna keep it going.

• 1:32Tom Segura?

  My first tour, doing an hour in a while. It's a pretty exciting thing.

• 1:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it's so good. I haven't done stand-up in like two years. Cause of that whole like-

• 1:41Tom Segura?

  Invisalign, I remember. But now, you're talking about-

• 1:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Talking about Invisalign and how hard it was for you to go through that. April 24th and 25th, Irving, Texas, at The Punch Line. And then Comedy Works, yes it does.

• 1:58Tom Segura?

  Comedy and Prayer, May 14th and 16th in Denver.

• 2:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  September 18th and 19th at the Den Theater in Chicago, Illinois, also.

• 2:06Tom Segura?

  Illinois, not Illinois.

• 2:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's Illinois, plural. Also, buy your mother some lip shits for Mother's Day. It's coming upon us. Order it now, right meow, in time for the holidays. Get, get all of it as a bundle. Get the liquid lipstick, get the perfect red, all at ChristinaP.com.

• 2:24Tom Segura?

  Exciting stuff.

• 2:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I tell you what I've been doing?

• 2:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  When I'm getting ready for YMH, I go live on the TikToks. So if you want to find me on, I'm the Christina P, right? I don't know what the fuck I am on TikTok. And you can watch me put my makeup on and I listen to really cool tunes and I talk to you and I tell you stuff.

• 2:43Tom Segura?

  It's just Christina P.

• 2:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, it's Christina P. It's the Christina P on Instagram.

• 2:48Tom Segura?

  Right. My favorite thing is that we share an agent who is kind of a musical savant.

• 2:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 2:54Tom Segura?

  The guy, he can play piano. He can just hear something and play it. He has this crazy, like, almost like encyclopedic knowledge of music and, and history and stories. And anytime your, your preferences come up, he's like, I don't know what's going on there, man.

• 3:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  He hates it. He hates my, he hates my music. He hates Bauhaus.

• 3:17Tom Segura?

  What is this? It's so funny.

• 3:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  He hates goth music. Well, I could tell you the most fun I had this weekend was at Comedy Mothership.

• 3:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which, as we all know, is, is owned by the great Joe Rogan.

• 3:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it's usually, the energy is very Joe Rogan, kettlebells.

• 3:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, male driven.

• 3:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Male driven. God bless him, love him. Uh, well, this guy took over last weekend.

• 3:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you did.

• 3:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I don't think Joe would have liked what I did because I played the gayest, gothiest music.

• 3:48Tom Segura?

  You played your music.

• 3:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, not the, like, yours.

• 3:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:53Tom Segura?

  Things that I've been hearing through a shut closet door for years now. I'm like, what is this? Who's dead in there?

• 4:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 4:00Tom Segura?

  And, yeah, that was your load in music, right?

• 4:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was so much fun. And, yeah, and then we were talking about feelings in the green room, which I don't think has ever happened.

• 4:10Tom Segura?

  Probably not as much. How are you feeling?

• 4:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dudes were crying in the green room. We're just talking about life.

• 4:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Listening to the Smiths.

• 4:18Tom Segura?

  Look at you.

• 4:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look at you.

• 4:19Tom Segura?

  Look at you.

• 4:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're a baby gorilla.

• 4:21Tom Segura?

  You're a goth lady.

• 4:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm a gothic. Can I tell you something? Dice, um, hung out with, with me at the club a few months ago and he goes, I like what you're wearing. I like that skirt you gotta keep wearing. What is that? What is that? Tool? Like, yeah.

• 4:38Tom Segura?

  He's the man.

• 4:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I figure if Dice tells you it's a good outfit.

• 4:40Tom Segura?

  No, it's cool.

• 4:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he's an iconic outfit guy.

• 4:43Tom Segura?

  The most iconic, yeah.

• 4:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  I had so much fun. The crowds were great. I made a trans friend in the front row.

• 4:49Tom Segura?

  That's unique.

• 4:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm hmm. We're gonna have coffee and she's gonna tell me about how she became from a man to a lady.

• 4:55Tom Segura?

  That's interesting.

• 4:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, I'm so curious, because she's like a hot one. She's not like a...

• 5:00Tom Segura?

  Not the one where you're like, you need a consultant?

• 5:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, not like last week. That's his name.

• 5:05Tom Segura?

  That's one of the things on the talk sometimes where you just see like a guy, a guy in just heels and a dress and he's just like, "I feel strong. I feel good today." And you're like, oof.

• 5:17Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. And then people are like, "You look beautiful. Thank you."

• 5:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's, yeah, it's like a dude, dude, like you in heels and a tight pencil skirt. There's that guy.

• 5:28Tom Segura?

  I mean, I'm, I'm just shaking my head at the fact that I don't know how somebody who has not worn heels can wear heels.

• 5:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so hard.

• 5:36Tom Segura?

  I don't understand.

• 5:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can barely. And I, I, I'm 50 and I can't, I still can't walk in them. It's so hard.

• 5:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's crazy.

• 5:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you try?

• 5:45Tom Segura?

  I've stood in them before. It really was awful.

• 5:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 5:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, like, you know, that kind of thing where you go, "Let me try this on." And you're like, "Holy shit, how does anyone take two steps in this? I don't get it." Yeah.

• 5:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you know that in like the 1700s, 1800s in France that men wore heels?

• 6:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but that was like a, not like the heels that a woman wears today. Those were like thicker, right? Like wider.

• 6:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  The kitten heels. They're kitten heels.

• 6:09Tom Segura?

  Not these stiletto things.

• 6:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not the horror stripper heels, no.

• 6:13Tom Segura?

  The, a podiatrist in LA told me, he was like, "Oh, yeah, like, a huge part of my business are women who refuse to stop wearing these." And they just keep damaging their nerves and their feet are just completely destroyed.

• 6:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  But they do look so good.

• 6:27Tom Segura?

  They look good, of course.

• 6:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Amazing.

• 6:29Tom Segura?

  They look good. And they elongate the leg and everything, yeah.

• 6:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now, my mother wore heels everywhere.

• 6:34Tom Segura?

  Everywhere.

• 6:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's because she was only five foot five, maybe, and she felt short. So a lot of times, short broads will wear the heels.

• 6:42Tom Segura?

  All kinds of broads wear heels, so. It's not just short broads. Short broads, wide broads, tall broads. They just wanna feel like a broad, cuz I guess it does make you feel like a lady.

• 6:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  You feel like a broad.

• 6:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  And my mother would wear those heels to grocery store, to everywhere. She never, never not heels.

• 6:59Tom Segura?

  That's a-

• 6:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  And lipstick, red lipsticks like me.

• 7:01Tom Segura?

  That's a real commitment.

• 7:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, I should get into it. I gotta, but you know what happened? I got that plantar's fat shititis in my right foot. Heels not good for that.

• 7:10Tom Segura?

  Nope, I don't think your doc would say, "Put some heels on, it'll go right over-"

• 7:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 7:15Tom Segura?

  No, of course not.

• 7:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's terrible.

• 7:16Tom Segura?

  You gotta wear like, ortho shoes.

• 7:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's why, it looks terrible. Now I wear the ugliest fucking shoes.

• 7:21Tom Segura?

  They do look awful.

• 7:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Awful.

• 7:23Tom Segura?

  But, it's like, what are you gonna prioritize? Looking a certain way, or like, healing yourself?

• 7:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Pain, yeah, plantar's fat shititis.

• 7:30Tom Segura?

  Yep, yep, alright. Um, you ready to start the show?

• 7:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hee.

• 7:33Tom Segura?

  I got a cool clip.

• 7:36Speaker 02

  Stop teasing me with those eyes.

• 7:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ha!

• 7:39Speaker 02

  I eat pussy like I'm starved. I pull her, slap ass, and I will fuck you like I own you.

• 7:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  What, what's going on today?

• 7:46Speaker 02

  Don't make me show you why good girls bite pillows and can't walk straight.

• 7:52Speaker 02

  This shit is big time!

• 7:54Speaker 03

  Who is Randy?

• 7:55Speaker 02

  Don't bring anyone motherfucking-

• 7:56Tom Segura?

  He's oily too.

• 7:57Speaker 02

  Your mama in the mother's stand!

• 8:02Tom Segura?

  And the sponsors, the smile doesn't match. No. The message.

• 8:10Speaker 02

  Welcome to your mom's house.

• 8:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ugh. I hate them so much. Don't you hate them?

• 8:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate-

• 8:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Feel it in your butt, oh. Let it resonate you into space.

• 8:45Tom Segura?

  Can you go to his page to remind people that he also does uplifting messages?

• 8:51Tom Segura?

  Because that's really how he built his following, was this.

• 8:54Speaker 02

  One day you'll look back and realize, I wasn't the one who got away. I was the one who tried, the one who stayed, the one who cared when you didn't. And that's the part that hurts the most. You didn't lose me. You lost a version of me you will never get again.

• 9:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 9:13Speaker 02

  If you're following.

• 9:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's sweet.

• 9:14Tom Segura?

  That's a sweet message, but he also does, like, if you go to his page, he also just does things about, like, um, scroll down, scroll, scroll some more. I like when he's, like, well-dressed.

• 9:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's so, look, his legs are oily, too. The whole body's oily.

• 9:28Tom Segura?

  Like, God, before God elevates there, like, you scroll up, like, you know.

• 9:32Speaker 02

  Before God elevates you, he will do three things in your life. One, he will reveal those around you, showing you who is truly for you and who is not.

• 9:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's reading it.

• 9:45Tom Segura?

  He reads all of them. He always reads.

• 9:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Even the horny ones?

• 9:48Tom Segura?

  I think some of them he reads, but the point is that, like, that is how people were like, oh, this is a nice, this is a nice message, you know? And then, he's like, watching that, you're watching that and you're like this, I go to this guy's page, and he's like, here's some words of wisdom. And then just one day, you're scrolling and it's like...

• 10:06Speaker 02

  I had her trembling, breath moaning between every sound, she couldn't hold back. I leaned close and whispered.

• 10:13Tom Segura?

  He's reading, like, erotic passages there.

• 10:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah. I don't like his shit nailed to his walls.

• 10:18Tom Segura?

  But it's also...

• 10:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  All of those nipple pinchers and stuff.

• 10:20Tom Segura?

  It's also such,

• 10:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stupid. I hate it.

• 10:23Tom Segura?

  A crazy pivot.

• 10:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 10:26Tom Segura?

  To be like, "God will provide the things that you need in this life." And then he's like, "I will beat the pussy up and make you bite the pillow."

• 10:33Speaker 02

  All right, now I'll tell you that story.

• 10:36Speaker 02

  I got a phone call one day.

• 10:39Speaker 04

  I wanted to make this thing. It's a way for other comics to show themselves.

• 10:43Speaker 03

  Oh, that's right. You, uh, you're not hosting your own show. They did him dirty. I already figured a way to put it up somewhere else.

• 10:48Speaker 04

  You thought about bringing it back? All the time. I need your and Tom's help.

• 10:54Speaker 04

  You guys ready for this? Okay. It's a fucking crazy night we're gonna have here.

• 10:59Tom Segura?

  Shit's about to go down. Look.

• 11:01Speaker 04

  And we're here to talk ball. Storytelling show. Tell them true, true stories.

• 11:05Speaker 03

  Word for word what happened.

• 11:06Speaker 02

  My favorite.

• 11:07Speaker 03

  We tell them the story. My story is a love story. It's about my first threesome.

• 11:12Speaker 04

  Bad first date. About ball. Football.

• 11:15Speaker 05

  Got arrested.

• 11:15Speaker 03

  Um, shit in your pants.

• 11:17Tom Segura?

  What the fuck?

• 11:18Speaker 03

  What the fuck? What the fuck is going on? That's my story. Don't think about it. Just laugh. It's funny.

• 11:24Tom Segura?

  Ah, shucks.

• 11:25Speaker 03

  Please get it up. Mr. Tony Hitchley, we've got this. Pass down to the girls. Jonathan, Mark, Reed, Jethro, you want them up here? The girls are going to be going to Jethro's show. Call on the show, man, everybody. I'll give you everything I have in my wallet.

• 11:37Speaker 04

  Ooh, yeah.

• 11:38Speaker 03

  Give me all of that.

• 11:40Tom Segura?

  That would have been the all-time best story to tell on this show.

• 11:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Listen up, monies, because Way Day is happening at Wayfair from April 25th through the 27th. This is not a regular sale. I'm talking up to 80% off with free shipping on everything. From furniture and decor to home improvement and outdoor essentials, it's all on sale and it ships for free. What I love about Wayfair is how easy it is to filter by style, color, and material, which saves me from spending hours sifting through beige farmhouse or cottage core shit. And they even have assembly services, so instead of building furniture on a Saturday, I can do what I love most. Hang with my kids and feed squirrels by hand. That's right.

• 12:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wayfair makes everything so easy. You can find anything you want, anything at all in your house. I'm talking benches, vases, furniture, all of that stuff. I get that. Way Day is the sale to shop the best deals in home. We're talking up to 80% off with fast and free shipping on everything. You know what I've gotten on Wayfair? I bought, not one, two outdoor wooden benches for my front yard. I sit on them every day, every night. I go out there, my kids jump on a trampoline. And I sit on my Wayfair wooden bench. It is extraordinary. Head to wayfair.com, April 25th through 27th to shop Way Day. That's W A Y F A I R dot com.

• 13:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wayfair, every style, every home. What is, is this like the minister that's, that's anti-gay?

• 13:18Tom Segura?

  Any minister?

• 13:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then, yeah, like in real life?

• 13:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 13:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're gay. Like, is he, is he trying to offset his horniness by doing that?

• 13:26Tom Segura?

  I think it's, my thing is like, every dude's got an angle, right? And I think he was building a following with this like uplifting messages to inspire your soul, like he has written there. And then he was like, yeah, but that's not really what I'm, I really am this guy. And I want to see who will interact with me if I put this guy out there. So not only am I gonna say wild shit, I'm gonna get butt naked and oil myself. The oil is a real choice.

• 13:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  And the legs are oiled.

• 13:57Tom Segura?

  I mean, he's oiled everywhere. And then to be like, at the end, the craziest part.

• 14:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  The weirdest part.

• 14:03Tom Segura?

  The craziest part is that in this video, he's like.

• 14:06Speaker 02

  Stop teasing me with those eyes. I eat pussy.

• 14:09Tom Segura?

  I eat pussy until whatever. And you're like, yeah, got it. That's cool. And then I don't see the, um, the scrolling part here, but at the very end, he's just like.

• 14:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I know. The little rascal smile.

• 14:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's his name? Alfalfa? Yeah. Yeah. He's like, I didn't do anything.

• 14:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 14:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ugh.

• 14:28Speaker 02

  Stop teasing me with those eyes. I eat pussy like I'm starving. I pull her slap ass.

• 14:35Tom Segura?

  There's somebody, by the way, who's only seen uplifting messages from him. And this is the first time they're seeing something else. And they're like, wait, is this the same account?

• 14:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so jerk.

• 14:45Speaker 02

  And I will fuck you like I own you.

• 14:46Tom Segura?

  What?

• 14:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Got it.

• 14:47Speaker 02

  Don't make me show you why good girls bite pillows and can't walk straight.

• 14:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  The smile, it really seals it.

• 14:56Tom Segura?

  This smile's incredible.

• 14:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  I gotta, and I know that there are women that are like, that's my jam.

• 15:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 15:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, what kind of woman is like, that's my jam? Cause to me, it's repulsive. I can't even. My vag can't get dry enough when I.

• 15:10Tom Segura?

  Hear someone talk like that?

• 15:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's just not for me.

• 15:13Tom Segura?

  When you say, are you saying the gentleman in particular, the messaging, or what? What's the part?

• 15:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like the, I like there to be some pretense of gentlemanliness.

• 15:22Tom Segura?

  Ah, right.

• 15:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then if I like the gentleman, maybe.

• 15:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is like, I'm gonna eat you pussy. It's like dudes, gay dudes talk to each other that way.

• 15:32Tom Segura?

  Yes. Well, that's the thing is that some, I don't know, it's like, maybe the guy has never had success with the other route. So maybe that's the thing where he's like.

• 15:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, he's blatant? Any, any. This guy, that's like, stop teasing me with those eyes. I wanna lick your pussy and smash your butthole and spread it open and da, da, da.

• 15:55Tom Segura?

  Oh, okay.

• 15:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who, who is this working for? What type of gal?

• 15:59Speaker 06

  Uh, nasty bitches. What you mean?

• 16:03Speaker 06

  I mean, you think he don't get some? There's some bitch that likes this, for sure.

• 16:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, he's right.

• 16:09Speaker 06

  He's confident. I, I believe his ass. You know what I'm saying?

• 16:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 16:13Speaker 06

  I believe him.

• 16:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  So just nasty bitch?

• 16:15Speaker 06

  Yeah, just, just a nasty bitch. He gets those nasty, nasty bitches.

• 16:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's, it's, you're right, because what girl's gonna be like, what's up? I love that message.

• 16:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe I'm not.

• 16:27Tom Segura?

  Cause I think most, I can't speak for women, but I think most want some version of what you're talking about. Where they're like, I like this person, therefore, when they talk to me like that, it's a thing. But like, for some random to be like, I fucking eat pussy like I'm starving. It's like, I don't think most women would be like, that's exactly what I fucking want.

• 16:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I mean, because women can get laid.

• 16:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Anytime, all times are times I can get laid.

• 16:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't need to have it advertised like that.

• 16:56Tom Segura?

  Do you know what I mean? Yeah, of course.

• 16:57Speaker 06

  You know, you know what I personally think? What, what actually happened? I bet he was really, you know, he was on the path of God. Right? He was, he was trying to tell you, uh, the, the good word. And he was trying to give you the psychological, you know, information or whatever. And then it got to a girl and she liked it. And she just happened to be a really nasty bitch. And she gave him the craziest sloppy top Batman's ever fucking received. And then all the things she told him to do, he's like, oh, so that's what girls like?

• 17:26Tom Segura?

  Hmm.

• 17:27Speaker 06

  And then he lost her. And then he's thinking, I'm gonna get one like that by just doing this shit again.

• 17:31Tom Segura?

  That's possible.

• 17:32Speaker 06

  So it was really that bitch's fault.

• 17:33Tom Segura?

  It's totally possible.

• 17:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, and he knows the minds of the creep. He knows exactly.

• 17:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  He knows.

• 17:43Speaker 06

  That's messed up, man.

• 17:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's because you grew up around creeps. It's not that you're the creep. But if you, if you grew up with creep, you know creep.

• 17:51Tom Segura?

  I do think there's something to that. When, when you go, this is my public persona. It's one thing if you're like, this is how I am in private. When you go, this is my public persona. He's trying to find the thing that, that he once had.

• 18:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 18:06Tom Segura?

  I think that makes sense. You know, he once had that. Or it could be that like, he was super godly and then didn't find the, like the type he's, you know, she's like, I'm not like that. I'm not nasty. He's like, well, that's what I want. I want a nasty ass bitch. So I'll put out some nasty ass messages, you know, like, yeah.

• 18:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  So he is a dichotomy. He's a God fearing man that wants a nasty bitch.

• 18:31Tom Segura?

  And he literally goes back and forth between the Lord will provide for you. And then he's like, when the asshole is spread open, I will dig in there. Yeah.

• 18:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking A man. Yeah.

• 18:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's both, he's both.

• 18:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's both, he wants.

• 18:44Tom Segura?

  We are complex individuals, you know?

• 18:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I get it. Like you do want somebody that's got moral Christian values, but then, you know?

• 18:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not someone that's a square too.

• 18:55Tom Segura?

  And maybe that's, he goes, I don't do a gray area. You know? He's like, it's very black and white for me. So he goes to both. Now, enough of that. Let's just get something a little more sensible going.

• 19:09Speaker 07

  Yet another one. I went against what I said I was gonna stand by. Accepted a new friggin crazy bitch.

• 19:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 19:20Speaker 07

  And she wanted to go to a, uh, wanted to go to Play Store and get some other Google chat. I said, we're doing fine right here. And she said, well, are you married? Do you have kids? I said, look, I have a daughter and two sons I've never met. I was in jail when they were born.

• 19:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 19:38Speaker 07

  And she messaged back about three minutes and responded, oh, that's nice. I said, you skis, that's why I fucking, I don't trust you bitches on the internet. God damn, man. She was, she's gonna try and beg, borrow, or steal money out of me. And that shit ain't gonna fucking fly. I told her, you know what? I've been around the block more than once. Hell, I own the damn block.

• 19:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:00Speaker 07

  Don't trust anyone on the friggin internet, my god.

• 20:04Tom Segura?

  I got it. Well, there's a thing that he, he doesn't realize he wasn't talking to a woman. Based on his story.

• 20:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Definitely.

• 20:11Tom Segura?

  He was talking to a foreign man or a bot. And that's why the response was, that's nice. It's not an actual woman that he was talking to, but he's not aware of that. That's pretty cool. He goes, I was in jail. That's nice. And he's like, fuck, you trying to, trying to pull one over on me, bitch? Yeah, that's not what actually happened. Anyway, he's, um, that's the guitar guy.

• 20:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I remember, but I remember he moved the amp last week.

• 20:42Tom Segura?

  That was a big deal. Yeah, he was like, uh, where am I gonna put this thing?

• 20:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, and then he found a new place for the amp. I, I was hoping to get an update on that, on the equipment.

• 20:52Tom Segura?

  Is it still behind the couch? Did you put it somewhere else?

• 20:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's going on with the house? I'm tired like a bum. Now I'm gonna live like a hobo.

• 21:01Tom Segura?

  That's kinda funny.

• 21:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I like that.

• 21:02Tom Segura?

  There's that amp. It's on the table.

• 21:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, he moved it.

• 21:05Tom Segura?

  It's the saga that never ends. And then on the next post, I believe that's a receipt. Is that a receipt on the next post there? Yeah.

• 21:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, those are the phone numbers of his friends.

• 21:16Speaker 07

  Haven't quite written yet. An old stuff from different bands and different places and different times.

• 21:23Tom Segura?

  Nice.

• 21:24Speaker 07

  One of my old singers, Trent.

• 21:26Tom Segura?

  That's his number.

• 21:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's his phone number. No area code, though.

• 21:30Speaker 07

  Song lists from different bands I've been in.

• 21:32Tom Segura?

  That's cool.

• 21:33Speaker 07

  Things I need to revisit. I went and.

• 21:37Tom Segura?

  That's cool.

• 21:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is he using as a curtain? Go back one more. The amps. Let's look at, I'm wondering like. What is he using as a curtain?

• 21:48Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 21:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that a burlap sack?

• 21:52Tom Segura?

  I don't know what that is.

• 21:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  What could that be?

• 21:56Tom Segura?

  It's, there's some of the light is out. Right? About a quarter of the light that would enter is out of the room. Can you zoom in on that? Can you see what that is?

• 22:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  What in the world is he doing in there?

• 22:07Tom Segura?

  Good eye, Christine.

• 22:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thanks.

• 22:11Tom Segura?

  Hmm.

• 22:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe it's a blanket? Oh, it's a, it's a blanket with tassels.

• 22:16Speaker 03

  I think it might just be like window insulation type of stuff. Like all this stuff here is insulation and that might just be more like.

• 22:23Tom Segura?

  I wonder if that's okay to breathe in. That's interesting. That is interesting.

• 22:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course it is. Well, the fan looks clean, too.

• 22:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  He doesn't need to switch out the air vent.

• 22:38Tom Segura?

  Oh, the poor guy.

• 22:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  To filter on that.

• 22:40Tom Segura?

  You know, [email protected] underscore K U F U underscore F V R.

• 22:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Underscore F V R.

• 22:48Tom Segura?

  I'm interested to see where this amp ends up and um. It's good to see you again. And don't trust those internet hoes, man.

• 22:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 22:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah, don't trust them for sure.

• 22:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm surprised that he's disappointed in that online love.

• 23:03Tom Segura?

  There's kind of something for this show on the far right.

• 23:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's that?

• 23:06Tom Segura?

  Well, look at that, look at that text over there. Hit that. Can you read that?

• 23:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was just informed, my new achievement, another achievement on one of my reels, looking for the retarded zombie. Huh. Who's the retarded zombie?

• 23:21Tom Segura?

  I don't know. It's all good stuff. All right, so something to cleanse the palate.

• 23:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's the sound of healing.

• 24:00Tom Segura?

  That can't be good for you. It can't be. Like, I don't, I'm not a doctor, but that cannot be to your benefit. To hammer something into your-

• 24:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, but babes-

• 24:11Tom Segura?

  To your neck or your tailbone.

• 24:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  This guy's getting new clients, so people are like, "You know what you need to do? Go get, go see this guy, he's going to hammer you." Yeah, must be.

• 24:20Tom Segura?

  Your back hurts? Go see-

• 24:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 24:24Tom Segura?

  Guys.

• 24:29Tom Segura?

  He's like, "Chill, chill, chill, bro."

• 24:35Tom Segura?

  That's just trauma. It's just trauma. That's trauma on your tailbone.

• 24:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, but you're not thinking about the positives.

• 24:47Tom Segura?

  Right up the vertebrae there of the lower back. And your lumbar's are all fucked up now. You feel good? Holy shit.

• 24:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe he's breaking apart the fascia?

• 24:59Tom Segura?

  Uh huh.

• 25:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's breaking things apart and then they have to re- maybe growing collagen? I don't fuck-

• 25:03Tom Segura?

  I don't think that's what's happening.

• 25:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is terrible.

• 25:06Tom Segura?

  I don't think that's what's happening. Um...

• 25:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

• 25:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, fucking don't. Don't!

• 25:16Tom Segura?

  Let's see, I'm gonna readjust your-

• 25:32Tom Segura?

  He's not moving.

• 25:33Speaker 08

  I still have this nervous.

• 25:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tom do his.

• 25:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Relief, sweet relief.

• 25:56Tom Segura?

  That is total relief, yeah.

• 26:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's healing sounds.

• 26:06Tom Segura?

  Y'all better know. You good? I mean, that guy's, first of all, I don't know if he's okay.

• 26:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 26:14Tom Segura?

  After that, he's staring at, he's like,

• 26:18Tom Segura?

  he does not know what just happened to him. Good lord.

• 26:24Tom Segura?

  He's so scared. He's so scared.

• 26:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just saw a post on Instagram about this poor man that had the neck adjustment done by a chiropractor and was paralyzed, of course, and he won how many millions of dollars?

• 26:39Tom Segura?

  Cool.

• 26:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it's like, god damn it.

• 26:41Tom Segura?

  Thanks for the check. Totally worth it.

• 26:46Tom Segura?

  I don't know who signs up for the neck shit, man. You must be in some type of way, but if you're gonna sign up for that.

• 26:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've done it. Remember that crazy chiropractor in LA?

• 26:55Tom Segura?

  Do I remember? Yeah.

• 26:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he would do it.

• 26:58Tom Segura?

  Fucking mind.

• 26:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. Now, looking back, we shouldn't have let him do that.

• 27:01Tom Segura?

  Look how fast my hands are. That's what he would do. He'd go, "Look how fast I am. Look at that shit." I'm like, "Okay." "You see how, see how fucking fast I move?" I go, "Yeah, I can see that. It's crazy how fast you are." He's so crazy.

• 27:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why are we going to him? I think, did I have back pain after having babies or something?

• 27:19Tom Segura?

  You went first, and then you, and I went after you. And then I remember one time, he was, you know, he sat me down and he was like telling me all about his training and his, and he was, he was like, "Yeah, you know, a lot of people talk shit about chiropractors, like we're, we're fucking nothing." And I'm like, "Okay." And he told me about, you know, what he does. And then I remember one time he was gonna do a back adjustment. And to do the back adjustment, I don't know the terminology, but they put some type of cream and they kind of, you know,

• 27:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 27:51Tom Segura?

  prep the area. And so he's doing like thumb and scraping and I go, I'm just face down. I just go, this feels amazing. Like where you're massaging. And he goes, I'm not massaging you. And I was like, okay, whatever you're doing feels great. And then he told me like the term, like the proper term for what he's doing to prep the area for the adjustment. I was like, got it. He was like, I'm not a fucking massage therapist. Like a fucking fast I am. Okay.

• 28:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he had a dog that was like really old and smelly, remember? And it would breathe next to you and you're like, dude.

• 28:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah, dude was, but he was really good.

• 28:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 28:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 28:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Better than this guy.

• 28:29Tom Segura?

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• 29:11Tom Segura?

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• 29:27Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 29:40Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 30:23Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 30:40Tom Segura?

  You see that quadriplegic who's been charged with murder?

• 30:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, let's see.

• 30:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so they charged this guy with murder and everyone's like, he doesn't have hands, right? And then there's a video out of him doing a headstand, doing a line of coke upside down, and then grabs a gun and shoots it out the window. And there's all kinds of footage of him using guns. It's really crazy.

• 31:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 31:05Tom Segura?

  This is the guy here. He's a cornhole player, like a championship cornhole player.

• 31:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate that word.

• 31:11Tom Segura?

  But here's...

• 31:12Speaker 03

  Against your neck? Hurry up, I'm losing energy.

• 31:16Tom Segura?

  He's doing coke?

• 31:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Good for him.

• 31:19Tom Segura?

  Right?

• 31:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dang.

• 31:24Speaker 03

  Hey, that was perfect. You just... It's still... I don't give a ****. ****, bud.

• 31:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  What the fuck, dude?

• 31:40Tom Segura?

  Some people are like, how can this guy shoot somebody? You're like, well, here you go.

• 31:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I mean...

• 31:47Tom Segura?

  I also think we should honestly maybe put him in a special category of like, that's an amazing crime.

• 31:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I agree.

• 31:54Tom Segura?

  You know? Like, maybe not, hey, how can we punish this guy? But how can we learn from this guy?

• 32:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  How can we learn from him? How can we showcase these talents? Why is he just shooting out the window all the time?

• 32:04Tom Segura?

  His attitude because he's on coke and he's like, fuck everybody out there?

• 32:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Think he lives in a city or I hope he lives somewhere in rural North Carolina, right?

• 32:10Tom Segura?

  There's a bong there, too. That's pretty cool.

• 32:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, but don't you think it's stupid to assume that like handicap people can't? That's a workaround. That's what they do. You learn to work with what you got left.

• 32:22Tom Segura?

  You're 100% right.

• 32:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, that's so, uh, gosh, I wonder what else he can do.

• 32:26Tom Segura?

  But that's what I'm saying. This guy's attitude is what I'm impressed with. I mean, yeah, he killed somebody. Okay, that's bad. But aren't we going to talk about how great of an attitude he has?

• 32:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  How did he kill them? So who did he kill and why?

• 32:37Tom Segura?

  It's like when people go like, BTK was a terrible serial killer. It's like, he was also an incredible city controller. Like, he knew how to run things in that city, you know?

• 32:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 32:48Tom Segura?

  What happened? In March 2026, he was involved in a shooting inside a car. Police say he shot and killed his friend Bradrick Wells during an argument while driving.

• 32:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  He can drive, too?

• 32:58Tom Segura?

  Fucking wouldn't be surprised.

• 32:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jesus.

• 33:00Tom Segura?

  Authorities allege after the shooting, he drove away with the victim still in the vehicle and the body was later found nearby. The grand jury indicted him on first degree murder charges and additional charges, including firearm use in a violent vehicle, reckless endangerment, gun possession. He could be held without bail. He's being held without bail, could face life in prison if convicted. His lawyers are saying it was self-defense.

• 33:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, pretty wild. He, um, yeah, there's footage of him hunting, like going up in a tree stand.

• 33:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  So cool. Can we see that? Like, I'd like to see how he moves.

• 33:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now I'm more curious about what he can do.

• 33:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's pretty, it's pretty amazing, man.

• 33:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  He sounds like he's got a little bit of a temper.

• 33:41Tom Segura?

  I would say, yeah.

• 33:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Something tells me.

• 33:44Tom Segura?

  Bit of a short fuse.

• 33:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  What could you be fighting about?

• 33:47Tom Segura?

  Shooting, because it's just, it's really nuts to see him handle a firearm. And you're like, yeah, this guy...

• 33:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  They were having an argument while driving and he shot his friend during an argument.

• 33:57Tom Segura?

  I don't know. Like, here he is.

• 33:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 34:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Let's see, everyone's like, how could this guy do it?

• 34:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  And that's so weird that he's into cornhole.

• 34:08Tom Segura?

  Look, look at him.

• 34:08Speaker 09

  What does that mean? Well, look at some of the videos on your screen right now. These are videos that he posted to his personal YouTube channel, which obviously show him loading and firing several shots from a handgun, as you see there. Weber was charged with first and second degree murder. As for next steps in this case, he is waiting to be extradited back.

• 34:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Definitely, and it's such a funny dichotomy. He's like, I'm into killing people and cornhole.

• 34:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know.

• 34:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  What a wholesome.

• 34:35Tom Segura?

  It's sort of like David, who's like, the Lord will bless you, and I want to eat your ass.

• 34:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, what a weird, what a weird set of hobbies.

• 34:42Tom Segura?

  Or complex individuals, you know?

• 34:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jesus Christ. And by the way, cornhole is the most boring fucking thing on the planet, too.

• 34:49Tom Segura?

  But the skill for a handless person to do that?

• 34:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's amazing.

• 34:53Tom Segura?

  I mean, it's all about like, you know, little movements that you do. That's, I don't know, I'm...

• 34:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Talented guy.

• 35:00Tom Segura?

  He's a talented guy, yeah.

• 35:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he's in jail now, right? Like, he's in prison?

• 35:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, look at this guy. He goes hunting. Isn't that photo? I saw footage of him going up in a tree stand.

• 35:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a wild kid, though.

• 35:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's cool to put a video of yourself up shooting out a window, though. Doing coke and then...

• 35:22Tom Segura?

  Fuck, yeah. I mean, so do that and be like, hey, record.

• 35:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, maybe not record it.

• 35:27Tom Segura?

  Record the shit, dude. Yeah.

• 35:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  The fuck am I watching, bro?

• 35:35Tom Segura?

  Tooth extraction. But hold on, this is impressive.

• 35:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't.

• 35:40Tom Segura?

  You got it, you got it.

• 35:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, was he to get pliers, at least?

• 35:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck, dude. Phew. Oh, I heard it snap.

• 35:57Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh! Oh, god!

• 36:05Tom Segura?

  Toothache gone. Toothache gone. Yeah, the toothache goes away when you rip it out with a pair of pliers. A lot of people don't know that.

• 36:13Tom Segura?

  This man is a savage.

• 36:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, I just got the chills. And he's not high on meth. We saw Fed Smoker doing that.

• 36:20Tom Segura?

  His face is tattooed.

• 36:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure.

• 36:22Tom Segura?

  So I would say that he has a tolerance for pain that not everybody can deal with. But what a fucking animal, dude. So impressive.

• 36:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hope he's drunk at least.

• 36:33Tom Segura?

  Doesn't look like it. Doesn't look like it.

• 36:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck, dude.

• 36:37Tom Segura?

  He just looks like a guy who's like, yeah, I don't give a fuck. And, and look, he didn't even wince afterwards.

• 36:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 36:43Tom Segura?

  And go like, eh, he was like, toothache gone.

• 36:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  So calm. Wow.

• 36:48Tom Segura?

  I wouldn't wanna, I don't know. I feel like you meet someone like this, you're like, no, you're right. You know, like whatever they say, you go, you're right. Yeah. A hundred percent.

• 36:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is gnarly, bro.

• 37:01Tom Segura?

  Jordan, salute, my man. That was impressive, dude.

• 37:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look how big his tooth is, too. Look at those roots. That's a hard pull. Those things are embedded. Those are bones in your jaw, bro.

• 37:11Tom Segura?

  I mean, I would quit so far before.

• 37:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, dude.

• 37:14Tom Segura?

  Like, as you, if the first, I got, I got, I got, I got, I got, yeah. Yeah. And also, take me to a place where I'm unconscious for this.

• 37:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, of course. Of course. I don't think I've had a tooth extracted when I was.

• 37:27Tom Segura?

  Good lord.

• 37:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you have to be put under for that. Yeah.

• 37:29Tom Segura?

  For an extraction? Or you could just grab a rag and pliers. Pull it out of your fucking mouth. Yeah, again, I think, I think the, uh, the face tat reveals a lot.

• 37:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  But, but hold on. How much pain is he in? Sometimes the pain.

• 37:45Tom Segura?

  Toothache is unbearable? Yeah.

• 37:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now, hold on though, too, that the bacteria is still in the mouth. So the reason they, don't they clean that out and stuff?

• 37:52Tom Segura?

  In a professional environment, they would. Yeah. Yeah.

• 37:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hope he swishes some Listerine in his mouth.

• 37:58Tom Segura?

  I assume he rinsed after this.

• 37:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Some salt water at least.

• 38:00Tom Segura?

  Well, that's not a fun video to watch. I'll show you the cool part. What is the tattoo of?

• 38:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a Maori tribal, maybe. I would say, right? Like New Zealand or something?

• 38:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're a hundred percent right. But I'm saying, do you see the, what's the imagery that we're seeing on the side?

• 38:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a gallbladder. Or a liver.

• 38:19Tom Segura?

  Huh.

• 38:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know what it is. It looks terrible, though.

• 38:22Tom Segura?

  Is it a fish? I don't know. I almost see like a, like a goldfish. It can't be that. Is it this fish?

• 38:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh shit.

• 38:39Tom Segura?

  Look at his face.

• 38:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is not that heavy.

• 38:47Tom Segura?

  It's crazy how strong they are.

• 38:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is a tuna, right?

• 38:51Tom Segura?

  It's an amberjack.

• 38:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, amberjack.

• 38:55Tom Segura?

  You know how good he's gonna feel killing that thing? He's gonna be like, fuck this guy. I reeled in a 26-pound amberjack, like, 25 years ago in Florida, like, off the coast. And the struggle was so intense and so long, and you go, that's it? It's 26 pounds? And then you see people that reel in 150-pound fish, and you're like, I don't understand. That thing right there, that weighs, um, what is that? That thing weighs 20 pounds.

• 39:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, so it's like a one, like a baby.

• 39:28Tom Segura?

  But I'm saying it's, the, the strength, like the-

• 39:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, their muscle.

• 39:31Tom Segura?

  Oh my god, look, his face, ha! He looks like he's in so much pain.

• 39:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, sometimes, too, they got, you know, those spikes on, around the back?

• 39:40Tom Segura?

  Uh huh.

• 39:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what I'm saying? Like, the scales can puncture your hand, too.

• 39:45Tom Segura?

  I thought we were gonna, cause he looked like he was struggling, I thought we were just gonna watch him turn and like drop it into like a- like a grinder type of thing and just be like, fuck you!

• 39:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 39:54Tom Segura?

  To the fish.

• 39:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I would, I would throw the fish on the floor and try to crack its fucking skull. Wouldn't you do that? Like, just smack it on the ground or something? Throw it?

• 40:05Tom Segura?

  Um-

• 40:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can't you just throw it?

• 40:06Tom Segura?

  I'm surprised it ends here. You would think that it's gonna be, you know, I thought he was gonna lay it on a table or something.

• 40:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then smash its head with a hammer.

• 40:14Tom Segura?

  Smash its head, maybe, yeah.

• 40:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause you don't have to eat the head of the amberjack, right?

• 40:18Tom Segura?

  You certainly don't have to.

• 40:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's not the part you want.

• 40:20Tom Segura?

  That's not the part that most people are going for, yeah. They want that, that meaty fatty body, yeah.

• 40:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Damn. It's a good fish, bro.

• 40:28Tom Segura?

  All right, why don't we take a quick break?

• 40:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 40:30Tom Segura?

  And we'll be right back.

• 40:33Tom Segura?

  We are back with one of our all time favorites. You can watch his new special, The End of the Beginning of the End, which is out now on YouTube. It's David Cross, everybody.

• 40:44Speaker 05

  Hey, thank you for having me.

• 40:47Speaker 05

  Now, I'm curious, this was a co-production with somebody, do you know? Does it, is that information up there?

• 40:53Tom Segura?

  It doesn't say that there. It's here, so David Cross is partnering with 800 Pound Gorilla Media and YMH. What? YMH Studios.

• 41:05Speaker 05

  Is that? Cool?

• 41:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:08Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 41:09Tom Segura?

  So, this special is produced by YMH.

• 41:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, and YMH stands for?

• 41:16Tom Segura?

  Your Mama's Place.

• 41:18Speaker 05

  They got the H and the P.

• 41:19Tom Segura?

  They got the H and the P wrong.

• 41:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah. We did, we produced this. We produced the special with you and 800 Pound Gorilla.

• 41:27Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:28Tom Segura?

  And he shot in Athens, Georgia.

• 41:31Tom Segura?

  Home of, what, you grew up near there or in Athens?

• 41:34Speaker 05

  No, I grew up in Atlanta, a little outside of Atlanta, but um, yeah, I went to Athens a bunch. All my friends from high school, all of them, went to UGA. And then I, I applied and I got denied.

• 41:52Tom Segura?

  I had that happen at Denver University.

• 41:54Speaker 05

  Really?

• 41:55Tom Segura?

  That was the only place I wanted to go, because I visited Denver at some point in high school and I was like, I love the city.

• 42:00Speaker 05

  And where'd you grow up? Wait, you grew up?

• 42:01Tom Segura?

  I moved around a lot, but by the time I was in, I was in high school in Florida, and I was like, I just want to go to Denver. And I applied, and this is so humiliating. I applied and I told my high school best friend that I was applying, so he's like, I'll apply. And this fucking box of rocks gets in, right? So, this is that, that's not the humiliating part, you know, big head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That one got in. He got in. And he had a lower SAT but a higher GPA. And then, I did not know this, my dad wrote them a letter.

• 42:36Speaker 05

  Oh, that's humiliating.

• 42:37Tom Segura?

  That's to reconsider, and they were like, fuck, they wrote it back, like, no, he's dumb.

• 42:44Tom Segura?

  And then, and I got to see that letter, I was like, what is this? He's like, oh, I tried to get you in. That's so sweet. It is sweet.

• 42:50Speaker 05

  It's very nice, but he also wanted you out of the house, but also, and far away.

• 42:56Tom Segura?

  So far.

• 42:56Speaker 05

  Yeah, and, and what was it, Denver?

• 42:59Tom Segura?

  University.

• 43:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, DU.

• 43:02Speaker 05

  I've never even heard of Denver University.

• 43:04Tom Segura?

  I know. Well, I only knew about it because a guy that was a year above me was going. So I found out that he was, I was like, I didn't know there was even a school there.

• 43:11Speaker 05

  And what were you gonna major in?

• 43:13Tom Segura?

  Just something dumb, uh, communications, you know, the, the easy.

• 43:18Speaker 05

  Communication, what does that even mean?

• 43:20Tom Segura?

  I have a major in it. I don't know.

• 43:22Speaker 05

  So you did?

• 43:22Tom Segura?

  I have a degree.

• 43:23Speaker 05

  So where'd you go to school?

• 43:24Tom Segura?

  It's one of the most elite universities in the country. Lenore Ryan College.

• 43:30Speaker 05

  Lenore Ryan?

• 43:31Tom Segura?

  Uh huh, you know, Harvard, Lenore Ryan, Princeton, Yale.

• 43:34Speaker 05

  Lenore Ryan, uh, yeah, she lives on, um, I know where she is. She's off of like, Mount Olympus or something like that.

• 43:41Tom Segura?

  She's solid.

• 43:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 43:42Tom Segura?

  And she started a school and I went there.

• 43:44Speaker 05

  In communications.

• 43:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  What, did you, what was your SAT score?

• 43:48Speaker 05

  Uh, I remember it. It was, uh, 1070.

• 43:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 43:53Speaker 05

  Well, but, uh, all, almost all of it was like verbal and zero.

• 43:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:59Speaker 05

  Nothing. I mean, my math dragged me down, but I, uh, I also, and my GPA was, was kind of average. You know, not necessarily, and again, I got, I actually got a F in algebra, algebra, because I pleaded with my teacher to not give me an incomplete. Like, I can't go to school and, uh, little did I know that I wasn't, I would end up not attending school really, but, um, I was like, please just change it to an F, you know, just so I can.

• 44:32Tom Segura?

  Please fail me.

• 44:34Speaker 05

  And, uh, uh, yeah, and, and all things, uh, you know, math just dragged me down, but, uh.

• 44:42Tom Segura?

  Same dude, same path.

• 44:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  We're both retards in math.

• 44:45Speaker 05

  And, and I, I had the, kind of the, the, not foresight, but the, I, it, it, by the time I was in, I don't know, uh, 11th grade or so, I was like, everyone's using calculators. And why do I need, if I'm clearly, uh, showing an aptitude in this other, completely different world, uh, which is also important.

• 45:16Speaker 05

  And I'm never gonna need to know fucking cosines, ever, ever, never.

• 45:22Tom Segura?

  Never.

• 45:23Speaker 05

  So why, why are you putting this onus on this thing that is preventing me from going to uh, school, you know?

• 45:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:33Speaker 05

  For this other thing that I, and, and, and by the time you're, we were like in 10th grade, your people are using calculators and like, I know how to push buttons, you know?

• 45:44Tom Segura?

  Did you have the mind, I had the mind fuck of freshman year, I failed algebra and the guy was like, this is crazy. Like you're, I can't believe how bad you are at this.

• 45:52Speaker 05

  You had, wait, you had uh, fresh, uh, algebra in freshman year?

• 45:55Tom Segura?

  Freshman year, we had algebra one.

• 45:56Speaker 05

  Oh, that's early.

• 45:57Tom Segura?

  And then I failed.

• 45:58Speaker 05

  You're talking about high school?

• 45:59Tom Segura?

  High school, yeah.

• 46:00Speaker 05

  Oh, that's really early.

• 46:01Tom Segura?

  He was like, wow, like you're just like, you're, you're special needs. And I was like, cool. And then sophomore year, you go into, we have geometry. And I was like, oh fuck, here's another math thing. And I get a B plus and they're like, hey, good.

• 46:14Speaker 05

  Well, those are two different things.

• 46:16Tom Segura?

  They are, but that's what, those are the math requirements I'm saying. So in my head, I'm like, I'm bad at math. And then I'm like, I guess I'm okay at math. And then even though I failed algebra one freshman year, junior year, they're like, now you're in algebra two. I failed it again.

• 46:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, of course.

• 46:31Tom Segura?

  And then senior year, they were like, you just have to go into like the class with the seventh graders and just see if you can, you know?

• 46:38Speaker 05

  Did you nail it?

• 46:38Tom Segura?

  I, I, I think I got a D.

• 46:40Speaker 05

  Was it like a, a Happy Gilmore situation?

• 46:42Tom Segura?

  It kinda was.

• 46:43Speaker 05

  Or Billy Madison, I should say?

• 46:44Tom Segura?

  They were just like, just sit in this class so we can pass you.

• 46:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, I was so stupid in algebra. I took algebra one A and as a whole year and then one B as a second year.

• 46:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  So but like when I graduated, yeah, as a senior, I finally got to algebra two. Oh, so fucking stupid.

• 47:02Tom Segura?

  I think what kinda fucked me that year is that freshman year, I moved. So when I moved to the new school, that's where I'm coming in the middle of the year. And they're like, we're in this part of algebra. And I'm like, I don't, I don't know any of this.

• 47:14Speaker 05

  Were you public school?

• 47:15Tom Segura?

  I wa, I transferred from a public school to a private school.

• 47:17Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 47:18Tom Segura?

  And that was.

• 47:19Speaker 05

  That was all public school and Georgia public schools.

• 47:23Tom Segura?

  Rock.

• 47:23Speaker 05

  Were not.

• 47:26Speaker 05

  We're not the best. Yeah, I, uh, it, it, it still bothers me and it's something as, as I, you know, my, my daughter goes to public school and she's very, she's only in third grade, but I'm keeping an eye out for, you know, going, listen, when to, to figure out when she'll be old enough to understand what this means and how to apply it and say, I don't give a shit about math, okay? I just want you, I want, you know, right now she needs to know the, the basics, you know, adding, subtracting, division, percentages, stuff like that, but there's going to be a point in the near future where I'm like, just get a D. Get a D and you'll be fine. I'm serious. I don't want you to worry about this shit.

• 48:12Speaker 05

  I want you to concentrate on this stuff and I will say that to her, you know, when it's, uh, when it's time.

• 48:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure, but that's why college is great because I, I-

• 48:22Speaker 05

  She's not gonna go to college.

• 48:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, let's be real.

• 48:24Speaker 05

  Fuck that.

• 48:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  But then you can just do what you, what you're good at and then they make you take like one statistics class, which I barely got through. I paid my friend in beer to do my homework for me and that's it. You just suffer.

• 48:37Tom Segura?

  All the way to senior year in college without taking a math, a math course because I was like, I should stay away from those and they're like, you need to take this minimal.

• 48:46Tom Segura?

  And I started taking it and I was like, I'm gonna fail this. And then I, I learned that the professor, who's a real like folksy guy. I heard him one time talking about boats and then I was just like, I would go up to him and be like, I like boats and then I bought him a boating magazine and then he, he passed me. Yeah.

• 49:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Clever.

• 49:06Speaker 05

  It's that easy.

• 49:07Tom Segura?

  It was that easy.

• 49:07Speaker 05

  A fucking boating magazine.

• 49:08Tom Segura?

  He was like, I love this stuff, man.

• 49:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  But what a great life lesson. That's how you actually operate in real life.

• 49:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah. I just, I lubed him up a little bit.

• 49:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Greased his behind.

• 49:19Tom Segura?

  You know, I was gonna say in, because I saw an, I saw the special before it went public. You are able, do you enjoy a standing crowd?

• 49:30Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah. Oh, I did that. That's a conscious effort. Yeah.

• 49:34Tom Segura?

  What, what was the thought? Like, did, what was like the first time? Was there a first time you're like, I want to try this?

• 49:40Speaker 05

  Well, when I- It's a very rock club feel, right? Yeah, when I first, uh, when I did my first tour that went, that was beyond like, you know, clubs, right? You know, I headlined clubs at that, but then I did a tour, uh, that was just a band, friends of mine, we had a, we had a van and- Just like, shut up, you fucking baby? Yeah, it resulted in that, yeah, but the first tour was kinda up and down the east coast. Um, it was a band opening up for me in a music venue, in a music venue, and then there'd be, they do thirty, forty-five minutes, and then there'd be no intermission. Yeah.

• 50:21Speaker 05

  They, they'd bring me on and I'd just go and, and it was great and it, it, I did that tour and then Sub Pop reached out and said, "Hey, you wanna do a bigger, more, you know, extensive US tour and we'll, uh, record it and we'll put out an album?" I was like, "Yeah, great." That was, "Shut up, you fucking baby," but, um, all the same thing, it was, uh, uh, it just is a different energy and you can, your relationship with the audience is completely different. I shouldn't say completely different, but you're- Do you feel like they're more engaged? Oh, yeah. They are? Yeah, yeah, for sure. And it's not, it's not that they're, you know, nothing against theater shows, I've done plenty of them, I've done specials in the theater and it's not a bad thing, it's just

• 51:06Speaker 05

  different. And the last, uh, two or three tours, two tours ago, I, I, I said, "I'm gonna go back to this thing that I used to do" and I, and my, uh, I used a booking agent that was, just did music, didn't do comics, um, and I went with Arrival and they were great and, and, you know, did some theaters, but I'd say half of the shows were in a music venue where it's standing and they know what I want and they tell them upfront and, and, you know, you do those theater shows and you see, depending on what you ask for, you

• 51:47Speaker 05

  see the first three, four rows maybe before the light drops out. Uh huh. And sometimes the lights are so glaring, that's why I wear a hat sometimes, just to cut the glare of those lights so I can see people and-

• 52:02Speaker 05

  And, you know, they're paying attention and it's, it's, it's good, it's fun, but it's a different type of show. Do you make them stand even if they have like MS or they're like in a chair? Yeah, yeah. What I do is I have a minder, what I call a minder, and the minder will come over and not allow them to sit. If they, if the minder feels like they're Lazy. Lazy, then yes, they will, they'll, actually, they have a really mild, super mild taser. Get them up. Get them up. Yeah, kinda like cattle prod thing, cause it gives them some room, you know, to distance themselves and I love that. Yeah, taze it up.

• 52:42Speaker 05

  And, and then I, I will give out, part of my merch is tasers with my face on them, you know? That's awesome. Yeah, yeah. Feels like you, it feels on brand. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm, I mean, that was, that was my high school nickname. Taser Dave. Here comes taser down the hall. Yeah, comes taser Dave. Yeah, it's great. And I, I, I urge you to try it. I'm definitely going to. No, not the taser, the, the music venue. Oh, the music venue. Standing, I'm telling you, you, you won't want to go back. Really? It's, it's just a fun, that's not true, you will want to do theaters because they're more lucrative.

• 53:27Speaker 05

  But the rock scene, the feel. Do, do a couple of them and it's just a I feel like the Goth Queen here would be into this.

• 53:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've done the, the Bell House in Brooklyn, that's standing room.

• 53:38Speaker 05

  Well, they put chairs out though.

• 53:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I think when I did it, they were, people were standing and I just felt bad for them the whole time. Cause I, I, I'm like, oh my God, cause I know that I, there's a band I want to see here and I'm like, oh, but do I have to stand? But I'm also 50.

• 53:54Speaker 05

  You know what? I get, I get that. But also, all, I, I can't speak for y'all, but my, a lot of my audience is, you know, roughly my age and they are into music and they know what they're getting.

• 54:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're cool.

• 54:14Speaker 05

  It's like, you know, it's not a big deal to stand for 90 minutes, especially when you got beers and they've gone to plenty of music shows and stuff, so.

• 54:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause your demos like the cool, yeah, like the band.

• 54:29Speaker 05

  I got the cool kids.

• 54:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like music. Yeah, I get it. Mine's like, let's lay down. We're tired. If I could, I would let them fully lie down.

• 54:38Speaker 05

  You should do more yoga shows.

• 54:39Tom Segura?

  I know when I'm walking through an airport or a mall and I see like a generally unhealthy looking middle aged guy, he's gonna be like, what's up, man? I can always tell. I'm like, you look like you need to go to the doctor. Things are kind of off. And then he's like, Tom. I'm like, there it is. I knew it was gonna happen. I could see it walking towards it.

• 55:01Speaker 05

  When you look at your audience, what do you, what do you see?

• 55:04Tom Segura?

  The funny thing is.

• 55:05Speaker 05

  When you walk out?

• 55:06Tom Segura?

  You, you, you actually, I've, I've told her this for you. It's always surprise. It's not always a hundred percent. You know, like, so once I say like, still to this day. I see people, gauges, you know, the door knocker, tatted up. And I'm like, I didn't expect you here.

• 55:23Tom Segura?

  Then you see, yeah, people like of my age range. Then you'll be surprised. I'll get surprised and I'll see people like in their twenties, you know, sometimes couples or dudes together.

• 55:36Tom Segura?

  And then, yeah, and then like a bulk of it, like, just feels like they look like kinda like you. Like, they look like they're kinda like you.

• 55:42Speaker 05

  Yeah, I get that. I get a lot of Brian Posehn.

• 55:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:45Speaker 05

  Looking.

• 55:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:46Speaker 05

  Guys. A lot of them. And, uh, um, and a lot of, uh.

• 55:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Posehn looking.

• 55:53Speaker 05

  I get, yeah, I get a lot of those guys. I get a lot of me.

• 55:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 55:59Speaker 05

  And sometimes like the gay version of me.

• 56:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 56:02Speaker 05

  And then a lot of like, um, tatted up kind of feminist, younger feminists.

• 56:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 56:10Speaker 05

  And then what's surprising, I guess, but shouldn't be, uh, starting a couple tours ago.

• 56:19Speaker 05

  Kids that were brought and are there with their parents.

• 56:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 56:23Speaker 05

  Teenagers or, you know, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two. And then like, oh, yeah, I brought my kids and, you know. And that's happened more.

• 56:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 56:33Tom Segura?

  I told you this on the la- like when you were here, but like for you and I, that your, that album was like as we were baby comics. So it was super influential for us.

• 56:44Speaker 05

  Oh, good.

• 56:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 56:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 56:45Tom Segura?

  Happy to hear that. I mean, we were just like obsessed with that dude. And then.

• 56:49Speaker 05

  Well, I think, but you can hear, sorry to interrupt, but you can hear the aspect that I'm talking about. That was all music venues.

• 56:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, of course.

• 57:01Speaker 05

  And so, um, and I think the, the, the bulk of it was from Portland, a show in Portland and a show in Atlanta. And then the Portland show was at the Crystal Ballroom. That was all standing.

• 57:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 57:16Speaker 05

  You know, that girl was like, let me feel it or whatever that thing, that part, she was right there at the stage. And you know, when you, if you're at the front of the stage, you got there.

• 57:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 57:28Speaker 05

  You know, two hours ago.

• 57:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 57:29Speaker 05

  And, uh, and I know that I've been that person, you know, and, uh, uh, you just, again, it's just a different energy and it's, you know.

• 57:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's, it's uniquely David Cross for sure.

• 57:42Tom Segura?

  It does.

• 57:42Speaker 05

  Well, like more and more people are gonna do it.

• 57:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hope so.

• 57:46Speaker 05

  Oh, God.

• 57:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 57:48Tom Segura?

  Don't talk about it so much.

• 57:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't want them.

• 57:50Tom Segura?

  Don't.

• 57:50Speaker 05

  Do you, you know, also there's that part in the, the show in the special where I'm talking about, uh, climbing, uh, Machu Picchu with Bob. And there's that interaction with a guy, uh, who's right there. I mean, he's too deep. He's right. You know, I could touch him and, uh, and that wouldn't have happened in the theater.

• 58:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true.

• 58:16Speaker 05

  I mean, if, if it did, I'd be talking in the dark and you wouldn't hear the person really. And it would, it would end up probably being cut because it would be fun in the show, but you wouldn't hear it and you wouldn't see it.

• 58:28Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 58:28Speaker 05

  And this guy's right there.

• 58:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what, David Cross, I'm gonna do standing room only from now on.

• 58:33Speaker 05

  You don't have to do it from now on. Try it once.

• 58:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm gonna have mothership remove the seating. And then.

• 58:39Tom Segura?

  No, you should book a venue. You should book a venue like that.

• 58:42Speaker 05

  I'm telling you.

• 58:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I will, I will.

• 58:43Speaker 05

  And, and if when you do it, get in touch and let me know how it.

• 58:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 58:49Speaker 05

  Went and how it felt.

• 58:50Tom Segura?

  I bet also.

• 58:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  And if they hated it, it's your fault.

• 58:51Tom Segura?

  You know, when you, when you have like a real asshole at a show.

• 58:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 58:55Tom Segura?

  And they're seated, there's something about like, depending on the venue and the situation, everything of, of happening in that moment. Person still has like their space of their seat, but I bet when they're standing and people are around them, they get it more from the people around them too.

• 59:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, probably, yeah.

• 59:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I would think that people would just be like, the fuck are you doing, man?

• 59:14Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 59:15Tom Segura?

  They feel more comfortable with that.

• 59:16Speaker 05

  And, and they would feel it.

• 59:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:18Speaker 05

  You know, intensely, yeah.

• 59:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:20Speaker 05

  Yeah, for sure.

• 59:20Tom Segura?

  It's interesting, it's interesting part of it.

• 59:24Tom Segura?

  Okay, so make sure you guys check out the special, the end of the beginning of the end. You always do this thing too, where like, cause the, when the special starts, you go on this bit that, um, you always like, I love that, that I've always felt like you will take people on a long ride of before the.

• 59:44Speaker 05

  A long, meandering, boring ride.

• 59:46Tom Segura?

  No.

• 59:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's so good though.

• 59:48Tom Segura?

  Of like, where like, as you're watching and you're listening, you just keep leaning forward because you're like, where, where, because you're, all you always want is surprise, like you want surprise.

• 59:56Speaker 05

  I mean, I, I, that's, I think, you know, there's some things I'm good at, some things I'm not good at, and as far as stand up, and I think that's one of the things I'm pretty good at.

• 1:00:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're great.

• 1:00:07Speaker 05

  Like you don't know the, what's like, still to this day, like, is he serious?

• 1:00:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:13Speaker 05

  This is gonna be heavy. Oh, I get it.

• 1:00:15Tom Segura?

  Your deadpan is like, unlike anybody's, like where you're like, I, wait, this, maybe he really feels this way?

• 1:00:21Speaker 05

  I think the, the, um, I think the joke that ends up with the punchline, uh, the entire time there was a rock in my shoe, uh, is what made my wife marry me.

• 1:00:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:00:34Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:00:34Speaker 05

  That was, yeah, she, that pulled her in.

• 1:00:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh. Um, I loved it. They're mining gold to get the medicine for Susu, the medicine for Susu, and then the gold fleck ends up on your dessert and then shit it out. And that's that, and you're like, that's, I always think, and since that joke, every time I see a gold fleck on a dessert, I think about your bit and how exorbitant and retarded that is.

• 1:01:03Speaker 05

  It's crazy.

• 1:01:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so stupid.

• 1:01:04Speaker 05

  There are places. You know, New York has them, certainly Las Vegas, where it's like, no shit. It's like the thousand dollar burger.

• 1:01:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my god.

• 1:01:13Speaker 05

  And it's, you know, it's a hundred dollars of it is the quality of the meat, right? Or the food, or like the, and then nine hundred dollars of it is, and we dip it in gold. And then there's some fucking asshole who's like, thinks that makes them cool. Or like, and they're just eating.

• 1:01:33Tom Segura?

  What are you gonna get?

• 1:01:34Speaker 05

  Golden dipped.

• 1:01:34Tom Segura?

  I'm getting the thousand dollar burger.

• 1:01:36Speaker 05

  I'm getting a hundred dollar burger.

• 1:01:38Tom Segura?

  You fucking loser.

• 1:01:38Speaker 05

  Tastes the same, but, yeah, look at this.

• 1:01:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, it's real.

• 1:01:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:42Speaker 05

  It's a real thing. They have them all over the place. Yeah. What is this? What does that say?

• 1:01:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  The glam burger.

• 1:01:48Speaker 05

  One thousand seven hundred and seventy dollars.

• 1:01:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, cuz I'm a fucking, I'm not a piece of shit.

• 1:01:53Speaker 05

  Look, it's the, I mean.

• 1:01:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Worth it.

• 1:01:59Speaker 05

  Fucking.

• 1:01:59Tom Segura?

  You think the person that orders that goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm not gonna tip you twenty percent on that.

• 1:02:06Tom Segura?

  I'm gonna tip you on the meat. The meat was like a hundred bucks.

• 1:02:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:02:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's just the bun.

• 1:02:10Speaker 05

  What if you just gave them the bun? You're like, this is your tip.

• 1:02:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think there's caviar on that too, though.

• 1:02:16Tom Segura?

  Fuck, yeah, dude. Put it on everything.

• 1:02:17Speaker 05

  Caviar, bacon, I mean, who doesn't like caviar and bacon and gold?

• 1:02:21Tom Segura?

  I don't know how anyone can, I wonder what it's like to look at this and not know if you're gonna have diarrhea. Cuz I know that it's gonna be the immediate.

• 1:02:29Speaker 05

  Also, you have to now look at your shit.

• 1:02:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:34Speaker 05

  You eat that golden burger.

• 1:02:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 1:02:36Speaker 05

  And now, there's no way you're like, not taking a peek, wiping your ass, looking at it going, I don't see, it's panning for gold, kinda.

• 1:02:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:46Speaker 05

  In a way.

• 1:02:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so true. That might be the only reason to consume a golden burger.

• 1:02:51Speaker 05

  Yeah. Or you eat it, don't tell anybody.

• 1:02:56Tom Segura?

  And then.

• 1:02:57Speaker 05

  Then you take a shit and you're like, wow, I'm made of magic.

• 1:03:02Speaker 05

  I'm shitting gold. Um, can you, I don't know who the person is who's doing, operating that thing. Can you look for other golden foods and see what they've got?

• 1:03:13Tom Segura?

  Golden flaked foods, maybe, you know?

• 1:03:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Golden, the flecks on the dessert always get me.

• 1:03:19Speaker 05

  Fancy golden.

• 1:03:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:21Speaker 05

  Yeah, what's that there? Gold sushi.

• 1:03:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  You need it. You need gold sushi.

• 1:03:26Tom Segura?

  What happens when you eat gold?

• 1:03:28Speaker 05

  Bunch of assholes. I just fuck these people.

• 1:03:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Isn't it a metal in your body? Can't be good.

• 1:03:35Speaker 05

  Wait, I have to go look at this. Sorry. Hang on one second.

• 1:03:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:38Speaker 05

  All right, golden donuts, golden ice cream.

• 1:03:41Tom Segura?

  Golden ice cream.

• 1:03:42Speaker 05

  Golden lamb shank.

• 1:03:43Tom Segura?

  Golden lamb shank is nice. Very nice.

• 1:03:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That looks disgusting.

• 1:03:48Speaker 05

  Look at this, they didn't even have enough gold to cover.

• 1:03:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah. They skimped on the gold. A gold cake? Oh, my birthday's Thursday.

• 1:03:58Speaker 05

  Is it really?

• 1:03:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:58Speaker 05

  I just had my birthday.

• 1:03:59Tom Segura?

  Happy birthday.

• 1:04:00Speaker 05

  Happy birthday.

• 1:04:01Tom Segura?

  Man, did you eat gold?

• 1:04:03Speaker 05

  Um, yeah, I had gold, uh, well, no, actually, to be honest, I ate a diamond.

• 1:04:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:04:09Speaker 05

  I just swallowed a diamond, all of, uh, marathon man.

• 1:04:13Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:04:13Speaker 05

  Had a couple diamonds.

• 1:04:14Tom Segura?

  What a way to celebrate.

• 1:04:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:15Tom Segura?

  That's really cool. Cause you're not a fucking loser.

• 1:04:18Speaker 05

  No, no, no, no, no. It's what smart, fancy, worthwhile people do.

• 1:04:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:24Speaker 05

  And I still haven't shitted out.

• 1:04:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:04:27Speaker 05

  Uh, and I've been, my birthday was on the fourth and I've been, um, like having, you know, sifted, cause it's a small diamond. It's not huge.

• 1:04:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:36Speaker 05

  Uh, but, uh, your ring.

• 1:04:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:38Speaker 05

  Fancy. I love that.

• 1:04:41Tom Segura?

  Imagine eating that.

• 1:04:42Speaker 05

  How much, uh, I, no, not in one, not one serving.

• 1:04:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  What if we broke it up and I smash it with a hammer?

• 1:04:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, I could do it that way. I would sprinkle it on a, like a power smoothie.

• 1:04:51Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's such a good idea. That's such a good idea.

• 1:04:53Speaker 05

  Or a sea berry.

• 1:04:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  But then imagine sifting through your brown to find.

• 1:04:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, no, I mean, I'm still looking and, uh, you know, and I, I've gotten to the point where I can't, I don't shit in water anymore. I just shit in a sieve. You know?

• 1:05:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:11Speaker 05

  Smush it down.

• 1:05:12Tom Segura?

  Do you call in the wife and daughter every time you shit? Like, let's see if it's here, you know?

• 1:05:16Speaker 05

  I have them help. Yeah.

• 1:05:17Tom Segura?

  That's cute.

• 1:05:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then wash up, obviously.

• 1:05:20Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 1:05:20Speaker 05

  You know?

• 1:05:21Tom Segura?

  Um, of course.

• 1:05:23Speaker 05

  How much, how much did that set you back?

• 1:05:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a hundred dollars. This is for Matt's.

• 1:05:27Tom Segura?

  Sixty-three, I think.

• 1:05:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tattoo.

• 1:05:29Speaker 05

  It's beautiful.

• 1:05:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you.

• 1:05:31Speaker 05

  I mean, that is a, that is a, I'd never notice, uh, wedding rings or anything. Gumball, it's a gumball.

• 1:05:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  See what, see what it feels like, David.

• 1:05:39Speaker 05

  It's a gumball machine.

• 1:05:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Put that eyes on it.

• 1:05:40Speaker 05

  Oh, that's heavy. Eat it.

• 1:05:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:05:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 1:05:46Speaker 05

  You have some dainty fingers. I can't even get this on my pinky.

• 1:05:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm such a lady. You like that?

• 1:05:51Speaker 05

  Kinda like it.

• 1:05:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, it's fun. I, you know.

• 1:05:54Speaker 05

  It's got some weight to it.

• 1:05:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's fun and the older I get, I like wearing this stuff. And the, the secret is just to wear it. Cause my mother had a lovely collection of jewelry and when she died, I found it in a bag hidden in the back of her closet. And I was like, oh, that's so messed up.

• 1:06:10Speaker 05

  Was there any shit, uh, around it?

• 1:06:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  She, she scraped it off. Yeah.

• 1:06:13Speaker 05

  Oh, okay.

• 1:06:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  She shit into them and yeah, I had to mine through it all, but, um, I thought, what a waste. Like if you're gonna have fancy shit, just wear it. Cause there, there is no special occasion. Every day is a special occasion. So I wear ridiculous things a lot.

• 1:06:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, I hear you, but maybe she was, uh, afraid of getting mugged?

• 1:06:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that too, but she, she lived in Marina Del Rey. Like she wasn't, she wasn't.

• 1:06:33Speaker 05

  That's not going to happen.

• 1:06:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not gonna happen. We were destitute. Yeah. Yeah. She was just paranoid Eastern European.

• 1:06:40Speaker 05

  That, uh, Marina Del Rey is such an interesting, weird.

• 1:06:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  So boring.

• 1:06:45Speaker 05

  It, to me, like when I hear about people growing up there, it's kind of like Roosevelt Island. Like I know a guy who born and raised Roosevelt Island, which is that little island, uh, in between Manhattan and, uh, Queens, Brooklyn, Queens. And, um, you know, they have a little tram there. You've seen it, you know?

• 1:07:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that where the Statue of Liberty lives?

• 1:07:06Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:07:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  One of that tiny island.

• 1:07:10Speaker 05

  Wow. Yeah. Not just math. Yeah. Boy.

• 1:07:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've never heard of this. I've never heard of this place.

• 1:07:18Speaker 05

  It's, um.

• 1:07:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  All right. So you told us it's between.

• 1:07:21Speaker 05

  It's, it's like that. So yeah, you see that it's a 59th Street Bridge.

• 1:07:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gotcha.

• 1:07:26Speaker 05

  And, uh, so they have their own school system, hospital, all that stuff. And it's always, it's just one of those. But you have to take a tram to get there. It's just a weird, like, wow, you grew up there. You were a kid, you were a preteen, you were a teenager.

• 1:07:43Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:07:44Speaker 05

  What is that like?

• 1:07:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:07:45Speaker 05

  And I, and that's Marina Del Rey is such a strange.

• 1:07:48Tom Segura?

  What was, do you know, you said you know a guy from there?

• 1:07:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:07:50Tom Segura?

  Is it, did you, like, what's your assessment of him as someone who grew up there though?

• 1:07:54Speaker 05

  Oh, he's awesome. He's, uh, one of the founders of Kickstarter.

• 1:07:58Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:07:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:07:59Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:07:59Speaker 05

  And he's, he's great. He's a super cool guy, uh, really good morals and ethics and, uh, um, he's just a good, decent person.

• 1:08:09Tom Segura?

  Nice.

• 1:08:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, Marina Del Rey is alarmingly boring, I would say, like, it's so boring.

• 1:08:15Speaker 05

  Unto itself. It's got that weird, cause it's a little bit touristy.

• 1:08:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 1:08:21Speaker 05

  For weird tourists.

• 1:08:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 1:08:23Speaker 05

  Like, you know, I shouldn't say weird, but to go there as, you know, if you're in LA for whatever, you know, five, six, seven days and you make Marina Del Rey a stop, it's very strange to me.

• 1:08:35Tom Segura?

  That's a strange choice.

• 1:08:36Speaker 05

  And, and just living there.

• 1:08:38Tom Segura?

  Hollywood and Highlands is where it's at, man. You wanna go to LA and have a good fucking time, you gotta go to Hollywood and Highlands.

• 1:08:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Planet Hollywood.

• 1:08:44Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:08:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, also, there's a Cheesecake Factory there that people really love in Marina Del Rey.

• 1:08:50Speaker 05

  Makes total sense.

• 1:08:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's it.

• 1:08:51Speaker 05

  It feels like a place where, uh, tier three rich people go.

• 1:08:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 1:08:58Tom Segura?

  That's a really good.

• 1:08:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's totally it.

• 1:09:00Speaker 05

  They have a boat. They don't have a massive boat, but they have a boat.

• 1:09:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:03Speaker 05

  And there's nothing wrong with that. And then they hang out there and they go to the Cheesecake Factory and they go back to their boat.

• 1:09:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you can live on your boat.

• 1:09:10Speaker 05

  And you can live on your boat.

• 1:09:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think people want to live on the boat and that's why they dock it in Marina Del Rey and then go to the Cheesecake Factory.

• 1:09:15Speaker 05

  Trippy place, cause I've shot there a bunch on Arrested. We shot.

• 1:09:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, really?

• 1:09:19Speaker 05

  Yeah, we shot there all the time. And, and, you know, I, I lived near there, like Venice, Santa Monica, when I was working on the show and I'd, um, or my wife's, you know, who was then girlfriend's place in, um, in, uh, Venice and, uh, and, you know, you're always passing it. It's just never a place you would ever turn your car towards.

• 1:09:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:42Speaker 05

  Go in and go and you just walk around and go, why am, and there are tourists there.

• 1:09:46Tom Segura?

  I feel like the only time I was really there was, there was always like a meeting, like offices. Places had their headquarters or their offices there from.

• 1:09:52Speaker 05

  Really?

• 1:09:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, like there would always be like these, um, yeah, there's a couple like, you know, not like studio, like Paramount Studios, but like we have the, our, the, the VR place, the, the, the place that does the VFX for this. They all have like places in Marina Del Rey. Yeah.

• 1:10:08Speaker 05

  I don't know.

• 1:10:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I remember when you lived in Los Feliz, a million years ago, and before I was a comedian, and I was just a super fan and I would see you at the coffee place.

• 1:10:20Speaker 05

  At the coffee place?

• 1:10:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Next door to the Electric Lotus.

• 1:10:23Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, the Onyx.

• 1:10:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that what it's called?

• 1:10:26Speaker 05

  Right?

• 1:10:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's just a coffee place. I, I don't remember, but I remember being like, oh my God, David Cross.

• 1:10:31Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, I lived, uh, I, I only, uh, until I, you know, moved away and then had to come back for work. I only lived in Los Feliz and Silverlake.

• 1:10:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  We were too. We were hardcore East Siders.

• 1:10:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:10:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then we had kids.

• 1:10:44Speaker 05

  Where'd you all live?

• 1:10:45Tom Segura?

  We lived on, I lived on Silverlake Boulevard once and then I lived on, uh, Hyperion.

• 1:10:50Speaker 05

  Oh, right on. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a, it was one of the few, was that it? Onyx Lounge?

• 1:10:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it was next to the Electric Lotus Indian Restaurant. It was a coffee, it wasn't that. It's just some shit coffee place.

• 1:11:02Speaker 05

  I thought that was the only.

• 1:11:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no, mommy. It was some really independent, it was just a hole in the wall, literally like a long, narrow building. And I would walk through it and I'd be like, oh, there's David Cross, like writing jokes. You were just quietly to yourself.

• 1:11:16Speaker 05

  Oh, I thought it was a show.

• 1:11:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Weird. No, I think you were just writing or reading or doing your thing and I would never bother you, of course.

• 1:11:25Speaker 05

  Well, thanks for not bothering me.

• 1:11:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  No worries. Do you remember Tam Tam? When we lived in Silverlake, we lived on Hyperion and you had to walk past the hardcore gay bar to go to Trader Joe's.

• 1:11:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, Rim Drop Tuesdays. Yeah.

• 1:11:36Speaker 05

  Wait, which, which, there are a couple hardcore.

• 1:11:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but MJ's had Rim Job Tuesdays on their sign.

• 1:11:42Speaker 05

  Are you serious?

• 1:11:43Tom Segura?

  Wait, where is this on Hyperion? So on the, on the, so on the right side, if you're walking.

• 1:11:48Speaker 05

  Trying to go towards like Rowena.

• 1:11:50Tom Segura?

  Gelsa's is on the right. Okay. So Atwater Village is behind me. So you're walking down, Gelsa's is on your right. On your left hand side, there's something, there's a cheese shop.

• 1:11:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cheese shop.

• 1:12:00Tom Segura?

  And then there's, there's MJ's.

• 1:12:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Trader Joe's.

• 1:12:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah, on the same side of the street is Trader Joe's.

• 1:12:04Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:12:04Tom Segura?

  But before you would get to Trader Joe's.

• 1:12:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  There it is, Rim Job. Every fucking Tuesday.

• 1:12:10Tom Segura?

  Every fucking Tuesday. And then they had a picture of a guy's asshole behind the bar.

• 1:12:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:14Speaker 05

  Oh my gosh, that is hardcore.

• 1:12:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. And then one time I met a, a friend for coffee there and there are signs in the, in the restaurant like, hey, guys, don't fuck in here. Could you please not have sex in here?

• 1:12:26Tom Segura?

  This is the place.

• 1:12:26Speaker 05

  Specifically Todd. Todd.

• 1:12:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  We know who did this.

• 1:12:30Tom Segura?

  Todd and Bruce.

• 1:12:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking Bruce. Bruce is the gayest name.

• 1:12:35Tom Segura?

  I just told this story yesterday that how, when they closed, when MJ's closed, that's when Brendan Walsh put up the sign that Silver Lake Gun Club is coming. And he put it up over there, like, uh, like on the property and then built a website. And so then locals would be like, we don't, and he had a phone number. So people would be like, we don't want a gun club here. And so he'd be like, too fucking bad men. Like just to, just to upset people.

• 1:13:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, God, that's great. Yeah. Rim, that's great.

• 1:13:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, Rim Job every fucking Tuesday. And it was so fun. There was always a line of dudes outside having the best time.

• 1:13:12Speaker 05

  I love, I love a good straight friendly gay bar.

• 1:13:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:16Tom Segura?

  Did you ever go to the gym that was on that street, right down the street, Bodybuilder's Gym? It was old school gym.

• 1:13:22Speaker 05

  Different kind of experience with gay men that I would, am looking for.

• 1:13:27Tom Segura?

  Well, it's, it was, there were straights and gays there and, but the smell was gay. And, and by that I mean intense BO everywhere. And everyone would be like, that's fucking right, my smell. You like that? You're like, dude, come on, man. Like.

• 1:13:44Speaker 05

  I wouldn't say that.

• 1:13:45Tom Segura?

  You had to.

• 1:13:47Speaker 05

  The last thing I would say.

• 1:13:48Tom Segura?

  It was intense, bro.

• 1:13:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause there were bears.

• 1:13:50Tom Segura?

  They were building their musk.

• 1:13:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Building their musk.

• 1:13:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, that's not my.

• 1:13:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you mean that's not your?

• 1:13:56Speaker 05

  That's just not, you know, not anymore.

• 1:13:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:59Speaker 05

  You know, I got a kid now, I got a.

• 1:14:04Tom Segura?

  Getting a massage today? You're like, huh? Mike's here. Fucking amazing. Are you done with the machine?

• 1:14:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  They loved you at that place, though. You had a lot of fans.

• 1:14:15Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, I bet. Yeah, you got bear, you got a bear look.

• 1:14:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  You too.

• 1:14:18Speaker 05

  Because I get the same thing, oh, for sure.

• 1:14:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:20Speaker 05

  And I, I have, I still get the occasional person who's disappointed that I'm not gay. I still do, like, somebody like, oh, you're not, I thought for sure. No? For sure. I thought we were gonna get to, eh, all right. All right. You know? Yeah, you must get that, I would.

• 1:14:42Tom Segura?

  I've had it a few times. I've also never, ever received a message from a woman ever that was aggressive in a sexual sense like I have from men.

• 1:14:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:14:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Like, I've opened my-

• 1:14:54Speaker 05

  It's because men are more honest.

• 1:14:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah, men are just like, bro, you have to fucking put my face in your asshole. And you're like, okay.

• 1:15:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  You never got messages like that?

• 1:15:03Speaker 05

  No, but I don't, I'm not, I'm not talking like DM, stuff like that. I'm talking about like, personal interactions.

• 1:15:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, face to face.

• 1:15:10Speaker 05

  I'm never on, I'm never on social media.

• 1:15:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:12Speaker 05

  I got rid of it back in, I can't remember, but it was good.

• 1:15:17Tom Segura?

  Is it freeing? Feels good?

• 1:15:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:15:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't even like TikTok? Hold on.

• 1:15:20Speaker 05

  Nope. I don't, I'm not saying I don't like it, I just don't-

• 1:15:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe you haven't seen the right kind.

• 1:15:25Speaker 05

  I'm sure I would, and occasionally my wife will send me some stuff on Instagram, right?

• 1:15:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:31Speaker 05

  And I'll, I'll go, god damn it, because I know that the rest of my free time is, I'm gonna look at the thing-

• 1:15:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:15:39Speaker 05

  And I'm gonna go, oh, I love those dogs. Look at those dogs, and then scroll, and then-

• 1:15:43Tom Segura?

  This is a perfect time. Would you throw those on for a moment, so that like, we can give you a taste of what you're missing?

• 1:15:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, just so you know, David, I like to collect, I curate TikToks, but I like-

• 1:15:54Speaker 05

  Oh, that's what you sound like. That's what I sa- okay. All right, yeah. Oh, this is new.

• 1:15:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I curate TikToks, TikToks, but I, I like to highlight the marginalized communities, people that don't normally get represented. So, I don't get your traditional dance videos and things of that nature, so there you go.

• 1:16:10Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:16:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, being as like, you're the king of alternative, I just, I thought this would be pretty cool for you.

• 1:16:16Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:16:17Speaker 05

  Am I gonna listen or look?

• 1:16:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you gotta watch.

• 1:16:19Speaker 10

  Guys, I love anal sex as much as the next guy, but I just fucking crush and butthole like I give a fuck. Forty-seven years old, I'm five foot three.

• 1:16:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:30Speaker 10

  A hundred and sixty-five pounds.

• 1:16:32Speaker 05

  Patton and Tom Segura had a baby.

• 1:16:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Totally.

• 1:16:36Speaker 05

  Holy shit.

• 1:16:36Tom Segura?

  It's very similar.

• 1:16:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my god.

• 1:16:38Speaker 05

  So what is he? Is he, is he, uh, looking for?

• 1:16:43Tom Segura?

  I think he's just informing the audience.

• 1:16:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's letting you know

• 1:16:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  that even though he's five foot three and forty-seven, he can butt fuck hard.

• 1:16:50Speaker 10

  Grow it down.

• 1:16:51Tom Segura?

  He feels the-

• 1:16:51Speaker 10

  Powerful hip thrusts. So when I'm having anal sex, I'm just fucking getting up in that, like up deep, up in the butt knuckle. And sometimes I'd be waking up and shit's stuck to my dick. Dried up, petrified shit.

• 1:17:04Speaker 05

  Oh, this is a joke.

• 1:17:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:17:06Speaker 05

  Come on.

• 1:17:07Speaker 10

  Back of the room tease, I engineered that motherfucker to be a certified hole polisher. So here's what you do. You go to the link tree in my bio.

• 1:17:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is a plug.

• 1:17:17Tom Segura?

  Alright.

• 1:17:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he does love butt pounding and he-

• 1:17:20Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:17:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  His whole account is dedicated to that, telling you.

• 1:17:22Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 1:17:23Tom Segura?

  That's pretty cool.

• 1:17:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:24Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:17:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he does sell t-shirts about butt, butt sexing and stuff too.

• 1:17:28Speaker 05

  Oh, I wanna see one of those t-shirts. I'll get one of those.

• 1:17:31Tom Segura?

  That's a great idea.

• 1:17:32Speaker 05

  Right?

• 1:17:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we'll, actually, you know what? You guys just take care of it. Don't even, just take care of it. Order it for us, please.

• 1:17:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here's your merch, David.

• 1:17:39Speaker 05

  Oh, no! No! Oh, no! What is that?

• 1:17:45Tom Segura?

  You, you got tattoos.

• 1:17:48Tom Segura?

  You don't like tats?

• 1:17:49Speaker 10

  What is he doing?

• 1:17:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's art. It's just, he's filling it in, man. I don't know if it's real, though. I feel like that's not real, right?

• 1:17:56Tom Segura?

  Really? That's real?

• 1:17:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  It doesn't look real.

• 1:17:58Speaker 05

  Wait a minute.

• 1:17:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't think that's real.

• 1:18:00Speaker 05

  No, what the?

• 1:18:01Speaker 10

  Hang on.

• 1:18:03Speaker 10

  Oh, come on. No, but it's, it's, um-

• 1:18:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  You think it's real?

• 1:18:08Speaker 10

  But, look, it's not ink. I mean, it's not tattoo ink.

• 1:18:12Tom Segura?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:18:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is it? Is this paint?

• 1:18:14Tom Segura?

  So he's pulling our leg.

• 1:18:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's pulling your leg. Okay.

• 1:18:17Speaker 05

  Oh, god, that is-

• 1:18:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I like the effect. I mean, it freaked you out, which is nice.

• 1:18:20Speaker 05

  Yeah, I didn't like that at all.

• 1:18:21Tom Segura?

  That was kinda crazy.

• 1:18:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's cool.

• 1:18:25Tom Segura?

  That's a crazy flip. Oh, Jesus.

• 1:18:29Speaker 05

  Oh, I, this is why I'll fly to Austin and come on this show. Get up on all this.

• 1:18:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  There you see? Uh-uh, what's gonna happen?

• 1:18:39Speaker 05

  Ouch.

• 1:18:39Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:18:40Speaker 05

  Oh!

• 1:18:41Tom Segura?

  Jesus.

• 1:18:42Speaker 05

  I love it!

• 1:18:45Speaker 05

  Christine, this is your collection?

• 1:18:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I curate these, yeah.

• 1:18:49Speaker 05

  And where do you get them from?

• 1:18:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just my algorithm is so, so finely tuned.

• 1:18:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't even get normal talks.

• 1:18:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  They won't even give it to me. Oh, this guy.

• 1:19:01Speaker 11

  So I don't worry about walking around at lunch. Teenager. I'm thirty-seven. I don't think so.

• 1:19:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  So this guy was making all these talks. He's like seventeen-year-old model. I'm actually a thirty-seven, but I look seventeen. And I think he just got into some legal trouble. Can you look it up?

• 1:19:19Tom Segura?

  Oh, boy.

• 1:19:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  But his whole thing, I mean, for like a year. He's like, I look seventeen.

• 1:19:24Tom Segura?

  I know I look young. Yeah.

• 1:19:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you think?

• 1:19:27Speaker 05

  Look at those choppers. Those are not real.

• 1:19:32Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, he's older.

• 1:19:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:36Tom Segura?

  He's a model, it says. A thirty-six-year-old model.

• 1:19:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:19:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:40Speaker 05

  He's, he's the kind of guy, and I, I'm just going off of looks.

• 1:19:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure.

• 1:19:47Speaker 05

  Okay, I don't know, no personality. I don't know, don't know who this person is. But he looks like the kind of guy that you would see wandering around like Tompkins Square or whatever the equivalent is here in Austin. But who would be emaciated and completely fucked up, all in black and like, in like open sores and be going, I'm fucking fabulous.

• 1:20:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:15Speaker 05

  I'm fa- fabulous.

• 1:20:17Tom Segura?

  You'd be surprised to know I'm not seventeen. You're like, I'm not actually very surprised. I actually believe you.

• 1:20:22Speaker 05

  I don't think you're fabulous.

• 1:20:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is such a specific.

• 1:20:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that you're, that's so specific, that type.

• 1:20:28Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:20:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, you really nailed that.

• 1:20:30Speaker 05

  And they're, and they walk around, they tell you how fabulous they are in their life. And they're, it's, I don't think so.

• 1:20:36Tom Segura?

  Oh, no.

• 1:20:37Speaker 05

  You don't look, but see the picture on the right?

• 1:20:40Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:20:41Speaker 05

  Now, do people watch this podcast? Or they, so they don't know what we're talking about?

• 1:20:45Tom Segura?

  No, they know what we're seeing.

• 1:20:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  They know.

• 1:20:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thirty-six.

• 1:20:48Tom Segura?

  Like, they'll see that on the top left there.

• 1:20:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't think he's thirty.

• 1:20:51Speaker 05

  But if, but if you're, but you would have to be listening. I mean, you'd have to be watching.

• 1:20:55Tom Segura?

  Correct, yeah, but people will, yeah.

• 1:20:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  The theater of the mind.

• 1:20:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:01Tom Segura?

  Oh, nice.

• 1:21:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe your wife, maybe Amber would be interested in this product.

• 1:21:06Tom Segura?

  Why don't you come home with a present?

• 1:21:09Tom Segura?

  For her.

• 1:21:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Eyebrows are hard to draw in.

• 1:21:18Speaker 05

  I'm just waiting for the emperor to remove it.

• 1:21:20Tom Segura?

  It's gonna look good, dude.

• 1:21:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're gonna like it.

• 1:21:22Tom Segura?

  It's gonna look really good.

• 1:21:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're gonna like the way this looks.

• 1:21:25Tom Segura?

  It looks, well, the thing is that it looks natural, which is what you want.

• 1:21:28Speaker 05

  Oh, dear.

• 1:21:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's beautiful.

• 1:21:31Speaker 05

  She just made herself less feminine.

• 1:21:34Tom Segura?

  Pretty cool.

• 1:21:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:21:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I like straight across for the eyebrows.

• 1:21:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't want...

• 1:21:40Tom Segura?

  You don't want like a curve to it.

• 1:21:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Curve, straight across.

• 1:21:43Speaker 05

  She's going over her natural eyebrow, which you can still see, so not a good idea.

• 1:21:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true. You should shave your reels first.

• 1:21:50Tom Segura?

  Isn't that how cartoon characters are sometimes drawn? Just like the straight brow? Yeah.

• 1:21:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:59Tom Segura?

  What's going on here?

• 1:22:00Speaker 05

  I don't know. We're in...

• 1:22:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, this one looks like horrible or hilarious.

• 1:22:04Speaker 05

  Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, that's terrible!

• 1:22:07Tom Segura?

  Well, that's bad, but...

• 1:22:08Speaker 05

  Yeah, I don't like those.

• 1:22:09Tom Segura?

  I know, but we just checked.

• 1:22:10Speaker 05

  I don't like those. I don't like to see that.

• 1:22:13Tom Segura?

  We checked. We checked. He's okay. He is okay.

• 1:22:16Speaker 05

  I don't like, I mean, I really don't like to see...

• 1:22:19Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 1:22:19Speaker 05

  If a guy, like the guy who gets hit, who goes into the car, that's on him.

• 1:22:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:26Speaker 05

  This I don't like.

• 1:22:30Tom Segura?

  Doing, oh, the wheel is gonna end bad.

• 1:22:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:22:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's gonna end real bad.

• 1:22:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck, I don't like it already.

• 1:22:37Tom Segura?

  He's got the bobbly's.

• 1:22:40Tom Segura?

  But he's okay. He's all right.

• 1:22:44Speaker 05

  That hap, I, these two teeth are part plastic because when I was third grade, I had a chipper, which was like the chopper bike, but for little kids.

• 1:22:55Tom Segura?

  Uh huh.

• 1:22:55Speaker 05

  And I was in, I was going down a very steep hill with my friends, and that happened to my, the, the wheel, front wheel went, and then just locked, and I sprung, and I landed on my face. Yeah, and then a neighbor had to... Carry me up to back to to my house and my mom was on the phone. And I remember this, you know, like old, old phone from the wall with a little court like, you know, and then screaming.

• 1:23:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:26Speaker 05

  And then, uh, yeah, I had these.

• 1:23:29Tom Segura?

  Did it go straight to the hospital? Is that where you go for that?

• 1:23:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I go dentist.

• 1:23:31Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 1:23:32Speaker 05

  Uh, I don't know.

• 1:23:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  You got them, you said made out of plastic.

• 1:23:36Speaker 05

  They were, uh, they're like bonded. They're like, um, it's stuff that goes on every once in a while, maybe seven, eight years, eight, nine years.

• 1:23:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:44Speaker 05

  They just.

• 1:23:46Tom Segura?

  Have you ever thought about getting a perfect smile?

• 1:23:48Speaker 05

  Uh, I have. I, I have fucked up teeth.

• 1:23:51Tom Segura?

  We have a, we have the perfect smile. We could probably, we could order it for you.

• 1:23:55Speaker 05

  Is that a cue? Is that a cue?

• 1:23:57Tom Segura?

  No, it's, it's just that they'll, I, I know that we've.

• 1:23:59Speaker 05

  Is that a sponsor?

• 1:24:00Tom Segura?

  Not a sponsor. Not, we're just, we're fans.

• 1:24:02Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:24:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:03Speaker 05

  What is a perfect smile?

• 1:24:04Tom Segura?

  Well, they'll pull it up. Um, the perfect smile is something that can like really change the way you feel. Um, and the way you look, you just, you just snap it in.

• 1:24:14Speaker 05

  You should be a spokesman. It's very, oh no. Oh, those go over your teeth.

• 1:24:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's fourteen dollars.

• 1:24:21Speaker 05

  Oh, well, maybe.

• 1:24:22Tom Segura?

  I mean, wouldn't you like to wear that?

• 1:24:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta see them in action though.

• 1:24:25Speaker 05

  Do I have to hold my fucking cheeks out like that?

• 1:24:28Tom Segura?

  The only thing that you, that you can't do is talk or eat with them in, but you can do everything else.

• 1:24:33Speaker 05

  But I can still scroll TikTok. Definitely, I'm getting them.

• 1:24:36Tom Segura?

  Scroll. I mean, look at that. That was so natural.

• 1:24:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  So natural, so white. Yeah.

• 1:24:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:24:41Tom Segura?

  If you can find that perfect smile commercial, it's really great, but.

• 1:24:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  And what's really cool about that product is they tell you to put them in hot water and then act, glue them to your actual teeth.

• 1:24:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which sounds like good advice. Like just glue them on there.

• 1:24:56Speaker 05

  Yeah. Fourteen dollars is what.

• 1:24:57Tom Segura?

  It's a good deal.

• 1:24:59Speaker 05

  It's a really good deal, but I would rather pay eighty dollars. Just, it would make me feel better if it was the exact same product.

• 1:25:08Tom Segura?

  And it's like, it's more.

• 1:25:09Speaker 05

  It's more, I know.

• 1:25:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, here you go.

• 1:25:12Tom Segura?

  You're like fourteen for my teeth?

• 1:25:17Speaker 12

  Just about your broken, crooked and missing teeth? Do you hide your smile because you're ashamed of unsightly gaps and cracks?

• 1:25:25Speaker 05

  Wait, are they just now finding out what they look like?

• 1:25:28Speaker 05

  Those are, sorry, but those are real.

• 1:25:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:30Speaker 05

  Than what they just showed.

• 1:25:45Speaker 05

  Oh my goodness, this is like late night infomercial vibes.

• 1:25:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  And the problem too with the perfect smile is that the gums are are bright red. So like you look infected and inflamed.

• 1:25:57Speaker 05

  Oh my god, that's a bad idea.

• 1:25:59Tom Segura?

  You have nice teeth and you have gum disease.

• 1:26:00Speaker 05

  That is the most redneck shit I've ever seen.

• 1:26:03Tom Segura?

  It's the perfect smile.

• 1:26:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's the perfect smile. Yeah.

• 1:26:05Speaker 05

  I because.

• 1:26:06Speaker 03

  Just a reminder, whatever happens this week will not destroy your life. Seriously.

• 1:26:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not true.

• 1:26:12Speaker 03

  Whatever the bad thing is that you're worried about, you are strong enough to get through it. You are gonna get through it.

• 1:26:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:26:17Speaker 03

  And you can move on with your life.

• 1:26:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  This person hasn't lived.

• 1:26:20Speaker 03

  You'll be okay. You got this. You'll have a good week.

• 1:26:22Tom Segura?

  Thanks.

• 1:26:23Speaker 03

  Now go have a wonderful day and I look forward to hearing about it.

• 1:26:26Speaker 05

  Thanks furry.

• 1:26:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's pretty neat.

• 1:26:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  How do you feel about furries?

• 1:26:30Speaker 05

  I'm very much a, uh, I, as long as it doesn't affect me, you can do whatever you want. You can be, say, feel whatever you want, as long as it doesn't, and, and nothing would, but, uh, I, I still think, man, that's kind of fucked up. You know what I mean? Like it, it's, I have the same reaction that most people would.

• 1:26:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:55Speaker 05

  But I'm also very much like, hey, man.

• 1:26:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:59Speaker 05

  Do like.

• 1:26:59Tom Segura?

  It's sort of like when someone's into shit play and they're like, I like someone to shit on me. And you're like, that's fine, but what's going on for real? Why?

• 1:27:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I feel like that opinion has been lost. It's a very nuanced way of being where you go, hey, man, it's, you're still fucking mentally ill, but I'm not gonna stop you from being nutty.

• 1:27:17Speaker 05

  I just, it's, it's, it's so, um, unappealing. It becomes very curious, right? Like, uh, I actually have started this, I don't want to say it because it's, I'm working on it, but a bit, a bit about bestiality.

• 1:27:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 1:27:34Speaker 05

  And the, you know, sure, on paper, it's, it's not, it feels like that's not cool, but, you know. Has anybody really checked with the animals?

• 1:27:50Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:27:50Speaker 05

  Right?

• 1:27:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:53Speaker 05

  There's, there's so much of that, uh, like the other thing, uh, rule 34, you know, rule 34. It's that, uh, I'm paraphrasing it, but like, anything is, uh, acceptable in porn. Like, uh, like, I think it, uh, applies to cartoon, like when you see, uh, Marge Simpson, or the Family Guy lady and she's, you know, fucking.

• 1:28:23Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:28:24Speaker 05

  Can I say that?

• 1:28:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can say that, yeah.

• 1:28:26Speaker 05

  Um, that's rule 34.

• 1:28:29Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:28:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, okay.

• 1:28:31Speaker 05

  Pull it up!

• 1:28:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Pull, pull.

• 1:28:34Speaker 05

  Come on, guys, you got the...

• 1:28:35Tom Segura?

  You got the machine thing?

• 1:28:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:28:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, rule 34, you're right.

• 1:28:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, and, and it's all the, that stuff to me is like, wow, that's not appealing, but... And that's like, kind of the furry thing, right? Or the, the...

• 1:28:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you know what, you know what is bothersome to me is to take things that you liked as a child.

• 1:28:56Speaker 05

  Oh, there it is, there, there is a porn of it, no exceptions.

• 1:28:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's rule 34.

• 1:29:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, there's a porn version that's appealing to somebody.

• 1:29:07Tom Segura?

  That is a thing, yeah.

• 1:29:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:29:11Tom Segura?

  There's always a, a cool porn out there, whatever you want, it exists.

• 1:29:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true.

• 1:29:15Speaker 05

  There, there was a magazine that I, um, there's a place on 7th Street, uh, that used to have all these, um, international crazy, not, you know, just, uh, catering to every fetish and whatever. Um, also like political magazines and all this stuff, and I got, uh, my mom had, uh, uh, I can't remember what it was, but some, something that she had to go, uh, like an elective surgery or whatever, she had to go to the hospital and she was in the, um, a hospital room for, a private room for like two or three days, and I got all these magazines and put them out of her reach.

• 1:29:58Speaker 05

  I got a, there's a magazine called Sploosh or Splotch or something like that. It was British.

• 1:30:05Speaker 05

  You know, women who, uh oh, I dropped a thing of oatmeal on me. And that was the whole thing. It's like, uh.

• 1:30:13Tom Segura?

  You got that for your mom?

• 1:30:14Speaker 05

  So I put it, but I put it on this dresser that was like across from her bed. She was kind of, you know, had to stay in the bed. And like these lesbian magazines and a communist worker magazine.

• 1:30:27Speaker 05

  And she was so, she was so unhappy with me. David, take those, take this away. All right, mom, I gotta go. I gotta go back to New York. Bye.

• 1:30:37Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:30:38Tom Segura?

  It's nothing more fun than torturing a mother.

• 1:30:40Speaker 05

  But also to go and to see like, wow, and the poorest quality, just.

• 1:30:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 1:30:46Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:30:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why didn't they, no production value?

• 1:30:48Speaker 05

  No production value.

• 1:30:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why do the Brits love that? The Brits are really into, like spanking and splotching. It's so funny.

• 1:30:57Speaker 05

  The, uh, there, yeah, the Brit, it was a British magazine, Sploosh or Splotch.

• 1:31:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, they love that shit.

• 1:31:04Speaker 05

  But they also did dogging.

• 1:31:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's that?

• 1:31:07Speaker 05

  That's where you go, where somebody goes, uh, in, in a car, like you go to like a field, right? You bring, and you drive there and then you fuck somebody and then you go, uh, you go around, like strangers will go around and jerk off while they're watching you.

• 1:31:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that is nice.

• 1:31:28Speaker 05

  It's sweet. It's communal. Yeah. Dogging. Uh, yeah, British, English, British slang term for a gage is, and watching others doing so. There you go. Yeah.

• 1:31:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  That seems harmless.

• 1:31:42Speaker 05

  No, it's fun. And again, again, nobody, what?

• 1:31:46Tom Segura?

  There's a panther in the house.

• 1:31:48Speaker 05

  Holy shit.

• 1:31:49Tom Segura?

  The Ruski's and the, and some of the Middle Easterns will do this.

• 1:31:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. There you go.

• 1:31:54Tom Segura?

  They'll have like a bobcat.

• 1:31:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  And those are nice lace curtains, by the way. My nana had those in her apartment in Hungary too.

• 1:32:01Speaker 05

  No, my, uh, my great grandfather had a black panther.

• 1:32:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:32:06Speaker 05

  No, he didn't.

• 1:32:09Speaker 05

  He did not. In Leeds, England?

• 1:32:11Tom Segura?

  Oh my god.

• 1:32:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. How come the English don't do this? This is specifically Eastern blogger. This is. Very cultural.

• 1:32:18Speaker 05

  Well, they're more sophisticated.

• 1:32:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Europeans.

• 1:32:21Tom Segura?

  And I think that's why they want the BDSM stuff. There's so, there's such a polite.

• 1:32:25Speaker 05

  I didn't know, I didn't know that was, I thought that was more like German.

• 1:32:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:32:29Speaker 05

  I, I, I.

• 1:32:30Tom Segura?

  I don't know. Maybe you're right.

• 1:32:31Speaker 05

  I don't think it's Brit, I know, I know dogging and, uh, and splooshing, or splash, whatever it is. Sploosh, I think it's sploosh. And, uh.

• 1:32:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  But there are all these flyers in the 90s when I lived in England for dominatrixes and get spanking.

• 1:32:48Speaker 05

  Like in the, in the, in the, uh, phone box, phone booth.

• 1:32:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes. And I was like, is this really? It wasn't just straight up hookers. It was very specific. It was always get spanked, madam, so and so will punish you. I'm like, alright dude.

• 1:33:01Speaker 05

  We know who's way, way into BDSM is the Hasidic community.

• 1:33:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:33:08Speaker 05

  Yes, absolutely.

• 1:33:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  How do you know that?

• 1:33:11Speaker 05

  Because I know a dominat, you know Dino Stamato-opolis?

• 1:33:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:33:14Speaker 05

  No? Um, so, uh, I knew, he, he was married to a dominatrix, uh, for quite a while. And she, who's British, interestingly, she used to work in the, uh, East Village, Lower East Side. And the bulk of her, and I met her friends and, you know, uh, and that was her job. That was her work. And it was not a, um, you know, it wasn't a, a taboo or anything. She would just talk about it like, yeah, this is, you know, I had, this client today. And a lot of their clients were Hasidim.

• 1:33:53Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:33:53Speaker 05

  For real. Yeah. And I had heard that before or after at some point, but.

• 1:33:57Tom Segura?

  Doesn't that make sense when somebody lives like more strictly by a, yeah, so they want to release?

• 1:34:03Speaker 05

  Well, that's the same thing as like the, the latent homosexuals in the Christian community.

• 1:34:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  We were just talking about that, like the priest, I mean, not the priest, or, or the, um,

• 1:34:13Tom Segura?

  Like the pastors.

• 1:34:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  The politician or the pastor who's anti-gay and then he gets busted for that.

• 1:34:17Speaker 05

  Yep, all the time.

• 1:34:18Tom Segura?

  All the time. Yeah, they're like.

• 1:34:20Speaker 05

  And so, yeah, if you live in that kind of, uh, you know, restrictive.

• 1:34:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:25Speaker 05

  Uh, all, all the more reason to be like, hey, man, you do what you want to do. Just don't affect me or my family.

• 1:34:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, for sure. Go do that weird shit sometimes.

• 1:34:34Tom Segura?

  Do y'all gay stuff if you want. If you want to be friends with Satan.

• 1:34:39Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's pretty cool, Christine.

• 1:34:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I think this is awesome.

• 1:34:45Tom Segura?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:34:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, you've never seen that before, though, right?

• 1:34:48Speaker 05

  Nope.

• 1:34:49Tom Segura?

  And you sure you don't want TikTok?

• 1:34:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can, I can send these to you if you want.

• 1:34:53Speaker 05

  Oh, and the eyes. He did, he did his eyes, too.

• 1:34:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:56Tom Segura?

  Interesting.

• 1:34:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 1:35:00Speaker 05

  God, man, the, the amount of, I can't imagine the regret. If you do regret it later, of like, God.

• 1:35:09Tom Segura?

  Where, where do you see it? Where's the potential regret?

• 1:35:12Speaker 05

  Um, just the eyes. I think everything else, yeah.

• 1:35:15Tom Segura?

  Pretty solid.

• 1:35:16Speaker 05

  I mean, the mustard ketchup thing is pretty cool.

• 1:35:19Tom Segura?

  So convenient.

• 1:35:20Speaker 05

  It is convenient.

• 1:35:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:21Speaker 05

  I mean, are you tired of having to constantly dip your fry?

• 1:35:27Tom Segura?

  In front of you.

• 1:35:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  So awful.

• 1:35:32Tom Segura?

  Fucking amazing.

• 1:35:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then he split his tongue on top of it.

• 1:35:36Speaker 05

  What do you think came first?

• 1:35:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, you're really...

• 1:35:40Speaker 05

  Tongue split.

• 1:35:40Tom Segura?

  Tongue first, yeah.

• 1:35:41Speaker 05

  Tongue first.

• 1:35:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, the, the ears first, okay?

• 1:35:43Tom Segura?

  Oh, right.

• 1:35:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  The plugs and that horseshit. He's got to stretch out his lung. And then he's like, you know what?

• 1:35:48Tom Segura?

  The nose is bold, though.

• 1:35:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  I got into the tongue, and then he was like...

• 1:35:53Speaker 05

  Eyes?

• 1:35:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think eyes and then nose and then, but how did he connect that he could find containers?

• 1:35:59Tom Segura?

  All this, though, is just, is just him being like, fuck you, dad.

• 1:36:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, without question.

• 1:36:05Speaker 05

  Or just trying to get his dad's approval.

• 1:36:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. At least now, yeah.

• 1:36:10Speaker 05

  Well, his dad is, is, you know, was a carny.

• 1:36:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that'd be great. Oh, look, and he's got a horn in his forehead, too, so he's had that, that...

• 1:36:19Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 1:36:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, so much.

• 1:36:22Tom Segura?

  Body mod. Fucking awesome, man. This guy's rad. Got one more here, I think. What else? What's your big closer?

• 1:36:29Speaker 13

  Oh, my gosh, forgot herb on it.

• 1:36:31Speaker 05

  Oh, no.

• 1:36:33Speaker 13

  This is why I wear bonnet. The first reason is that I like them.

• 1:36:38Tom Segura?

  That is a good reason.

• 1:36:39Speaker 13

  But they also serve quite a few functions for me that might not be obvious. I live with a severe sound sensitivity called hyperacusus. I rarely leave the house, but when I do, I need to wear things that protect my sensitive ears.

• 1:36:51Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:36:51Speaker 13

  Earplugs are easily hidden with bonnets, so when I wear a bonnet, you can't tell that I have hearing protection underneath.

• 1:36:57Tom Segura?

  Lena Dunham has really.

• 1:36:59Speaker 13

  When I'm wearing a normal hat.

• 1:37:00Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:37:01Speaker 13

  And that's okay. It's just not my preference for that to be seen. If I'm not wearing earplugs, I'm wearing noise cancelling headphones, which slip really nicely over my bonnet. But with hats, they aren't quite as effective and they leave little gaps in your ear.

• 1:37:14Tom Segura?

  This is a long explanation for fuck's sake.

• 1:37:17Speaker 05

  Also, don't, um, don't chickens make noise?

• 1:37:24Tom Segura?

  I was gonna say.

• 1:37:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  All day.

• 1:37:26Tom Segura?

  All day.

• 1:37:26Speaker 05

  I would think rabbits don't make noise.

• 1:37:30Tom Segura?

  That's right.

• 1:37:32Speaker 05

  I mean, there are other things to get.

• 1:37:34Tom Segura?

  What if in the second half of this video, she goes, and that's why I ripped the vocal cords out of all my chickens? With my bare hands. Fucking A.

• 1:37:44Speaker 05

  And do you think she really has hypercaucusus?

• 1:37:48Tom Segura?

  No, I don't think so. I think that's just one of those. I have a condition.

• 1:37:52Speaker 05

  Is that, look behind her.

• 1:37:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:54Speaker 05

  That's a fucking blender, isn't it?

• 1:37:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:58Speaker 05

  Wait, hang on, I'm gonna.

• 1:38:01Speaker 05

  That's a fucking blender.

• 1:38:03Tom Segura?

  She's making cakes and shit.

• 1:38:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a loud life.

• 1:38:06Speaker 05

  She's making loud cakes.

• 1:38:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah, loud ass cakes.

• 1:38:09Speaker 05

  Loud cakes with chickens running around.

• 1:38:12Tom Segura?

  No one's buying your story, ma'am, a hypercaucusus. Get the fuck out of here.

• 1:38:17Speaker 03

  Back on the bed just so I can stroke your head. If you want me to stop, I can't understand. I will be gentle.

• 1:38:28Tom Segura?

  This is in her feet. You understand that, right?

• 1:38:30Speaker 05

  Uh, yeah, why? What is, what's happening?

• 1:38:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you feel, look, he's trying to romance you, dude. Let it, let him romance you.

• 1:38:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't you feel seduced?

• 1:38:43Speaker 05

  Lay you back on the, he's, okay, he's telling us what he'd do with both of his hands. Or no, he has more than two, but what he's gonna do with two of them.

• 1:38:52Tom Segura?

  With two of them?

• 1:38:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:38:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Lay you back on the

• 1:38:57Tom Segura?

  You ever see this guy at a show?

• 1:39:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  If you want me to stop, I can understand. I will be gentle with my two hands.

• 1:39:07Speaker 05

  My two hands on my two hands.

• 1:39:16Tom Segura?

  Okay. Wow, what a nice way to fucking wrap things up. The two hand song. That was so cool.

• 1:39:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I want him to stroke my head. You know I like having head scratches.

• 1:39:25Tom Segura?

  He doesn't like head scratches.

• 1:39:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's my favorite.

• 1:39:27Tom Segura?

  Absolutely.

• 1:39:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'd let him scratch my head.

• 1:39:30Tom Segura?

  David Cross has a new special. It's the end of the beginning of the end. It is out now on YouTube. We here at YMH Studios produced it along with some other friends, but let's talk about us. And you can watch right now. You're hilarious as always. Thank you for coming by. Thank you for letting us work with you. Absolutely. My, my pleasure. It was a pleasure and yeah, I can't wait for you to come back. I hope you come back soon, man. Yeah. See you guys next week.

• 1:39:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  My mommies.

• 1:39:57Speaker 03

  This is Captain Marcel, Marcel, Marcel.

• 1:40:03Speaker 03

  My sister went down, down to the mountain. You might be a tech dog.

• 1:40:12Speaker 03

  I gotta save my sister.

• 1:40:17Speaker 03

  Tell everybody I'll be back. I need backup.

• 1:40:26Speaker 03

  I'll see you later, back.

• 1:40:29Speaker 03

  I'll see you later, back.

• 1:40:30Speaker 08

  Just waiting for my lunch, just waiting for my lunch, just waiting for my lunch. I ordered a buffalo burger.

• 1:40:40Speaker 08

  My dinner, my dinner, my dinner.

• 1:40:46Speaker 08

  I ordered a buffalo burger.

• 1:40:52Speaker 08

  My dinner, my dinner, my dinner.

• 1:40:58Speaker 08

  I ordered a buffalo burger.

• 1:41:04Speaker 03

  Cause I got the movies.

• 1:41:11Speaker 03

  Okay, guys, we're gonna do a guy acting like a cow.

• 1:41:29Speaker 03

  Okay guys, we're gonna do a guy acting like a cow!

• 1:41:57Speaker 03

  Thanks for watching, I'm Frightened Dog!