143: How to have AUTHENTIC self love and Date Yourself

How do you know if you're loving your self? Today, we're diving deep into what self love actually means - when to know when you're choosing your partner, a parent or someone else over your own emotions. The Self Love Course is available for presale now! Get the lowest price we'll offer this course for, $100 off regular pricing! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Do you feel like your emotions run the show and react in ways you can’t control? Join the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknowns In Early Dating from Sabrina and Masha Kay HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Sabrina Zohar?

  Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hello, friends, welcome back to another episode. I love my solo time with you guys and truthfully, I'm doing more solos moving forward. Love my guests, don't get me wrong, but I really enjoy my time with you guys and I think that's just what resonates. So I'm so excited for another episode. And as some of you guys know, I released a new course with Britt Frank, my bestie neuropsychotherapist, brilliant fucking friend who has gotten me out of more dark times than I can count, and all about self-love. And so I wanted to do an episode that accompanies that. If this episode resonates with you, great, you're gonna love the course. It's four weeks, it's fucking amazing, you have all the tools you need, and all of our courses include monthly free group coaching. So it's included in the price, you don't have to do anything more.

• 0:43Sabrina Zohar?

  And honestly, as somebody who has done a fuck-ton of courses, I know that that's not what's offered, so I really wanted to do something different for you guys, because I get it, you need the support or you need the support, and not everybody can work with me one-on-one. So I'm trying to show up for you guys in the ways that I can, and I'm grateful for you. So we're gonna talk about self-love and how to choose yourself and date yourself, whether you're in a relationship or single, it doesn't really matter, you can still show up for yourself even if you have a partner in different ways. So, guys, as always, if you need anything, link in show notes for all the courses, if you want to work with me, buy merch, whatever you guys need, it is all there. And as always, thank you, thank you for rating and reviewing the show, thank you for sharing with your friends, please comment on Spotify, Apple, YouTube, wherever you guys are listening to, let me know what you guys think, let me know what you liked from the episode, what you want more of, I am here to support you guys. And as always, follow along on the socia ls, subscribe on YouTube if you want to watch,

• 1:28Sabrina Zohar?

  or just follow along on the Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram, or TikTok, sabrina.zohar if you want more short-form content. All right, babies, without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? Hi, friends, hello, hello. Guys, we're getting down to it, this is the second-to-last episode in this room, which is so fucking insane to me. I mean, when I started the podcast, it was with phallic-looking Mike in the living room of my old apartment in my kitchen, and I really was just like, I have something to say and I'm gonna say it. And it's evolved and grown into this beautiful space, but so much has happened in this room that I am personally ready to let it the fuck go. We have had a nightmare with our landlord, like, it has been, I mean, every time something bad happens, you're like, just add that to it, and it's been... So frustrating and such a struggle,

• 2:12Sabrina Zohar?

  but also a space for me to grow and to learn and to evolve. And I'm grateful. I'm grateful. You know, don't worry, next week you guys will hear me probably get all sappy in this room, but I'm grateful for you guys. I'm grateful for the community that we've built. And I've really started to come back home to myself. And it's interesting, I've been in therapy for a long time. I have a new therapist. And the question everybody asks me is, well, what was different? The version of you last year to the version of you this year? Or the version when you started to who you are now? And I was like, what's different is I had something to say then that I hadn't. I've spoken my truth. I've spoken out and I've gotten love and hate, right? Like the pendulum swings. Now it's coming back home to me, right? Like I'm creating different content. If you follow along on my personal Instagram, like I'm doing get readies with me. I'm doing date night outfits. I'm doing hair and makeup tutorials because I want to support and I want to have fun.

• 2:57Sabrina Zohar?

  If I'm really trying to support you guys, it's not just me chastising or giving you all this advice. How else can I show up for you guys? And for me, that's fun. I worked in fashion. I have a clothing line, software. Like this is my bread and butter. It's what I love to do, so I'm really fucking excited. And when we move, we have a nicer new studio and we're really going to elevate. And it's going to be a lot more solos and more me. And I'm just really fucking excited. I'm excited to connect with everyone that's here. And I am, you know what? I owe you guys an apology. I'm sorry if I abandoned you when the name change happened and I was so focused on how can I keep everybody? I lost myself and everything along the way. And so this is the moment. These are the moments where I'm starting to say goodbye. I'm starting to mourn. I'm starting to feel, but I'm also getting ready for the growth and what's coming. And that to me is really all that. That's why I wanted to talk about self-love today.

• 3:43Sabrina Zohar?

  Part of self-love isn't just doing a bunch of face masks and bubble baths. Those are beautiful. I love me a bubble bath. But that's not how you love yourself. How you love yourself is a multitude of different ways. Again, that's why Britt and I created the course. It doesn't matter whether you're single or in a relationship. We want to support you guys. And I hear you. The amount of people that are commenting saying they want relationship advice. All these episodes are now going to combine those. So you don't have to just be single to be here. And if you're in a relationship, fuck yeah, congratulations. So let's maybe for a second redefine self-love beyond the aesthetics and the affirmations. Like, again, it's not just a spa day, it's a psychological reorientation. Because what is self-love? It's really the ability to be on your own team, right? Especially when you're dating or you're in a relationship and that challenges your worth. Because if you say like, "You love yourself, but you keep chasing people who don't choose

• 4:28Sabrina Zohar?

  you. You tolerate fucking crumbs in the name of like, potential and maybe they're gonna show up. Or you lose yourself in the chase of the connection and/or fuck, talk about chase for the connection, more about you lose yourself when you're in a connection, then this is the episode for you. Because today, we're gonna get in it. And I'm gonna share with you guys too, like, ways that I show up for myself. It's so funny, I have one of my clients and I love her, and every time we talk, she'll be like, "Okay, I don't like this feeling, but I'm sitting with it. Okay, now what? Now what? Now what? Now what?" And I always have to remind her, I'm like, "Do you think that's loving yourself? Do you think rushing yourself? Do you think being like, 'Okay, what's next? Okay, how can I be done with this? Do you think that's how you love yourself? Let me ask you this: if your partner treated you like that, would that be how you needed to be loved?" Probably not. That's not how I needed to be loved.

• 5:12Sabrina Zohar?

  But for years, I did the like, "Okay, can we just be done with this? Like, why do I keep feeling this?" And it's so interesting, because I'm writing the book now, I'm almost done, which is fucking insane, but I, and like, let me just tell you, this thing's amazing. Like, I've shown it to a few people that are like, "Holy fuck, like, holy fuck." And with it, as you guys know, like, I've been struggling just with my own mental health. Like, hi, I mean, I have some anxiety, that goes, "Welcome to the fucking show." And I couldn't really understand, like, what is happening? And it wasn't until I asked my mom about a memory for the book, and she shared what happened after. And it was a key that unlocked, holy fuck, it made so much sense, and you guys will read it in the book, but it made so much sense as to where the panic and fear comes. And then I was going through my session, and I'm sitting there, and Masha keeps saying, "Oh, you love yourself, really?

• 5:57Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, you love yourself, you're being there for yourself." And she's like, "But yet, how are you showing up for you? How? Genuinely, how?" And I was like, "Well, I'm here, and I'm doing this, and I'm doing this." And then it hit me, and I was like, "Oh my God." Growing up, what was my point of contention? Nobody sees me, nobody hears me, nobody is worth, I'm not worth investing in. And guess what I was doing to myself? I was nickel and diming myself. I was saying, "Well, no, no, no, I can't spend money on that, I can't do that, I can't do this." Telling my little, "You're not worth it." You're not worth it. And obviously, there's difference between like not having the finances. Like, we're not fucking living under a rock versus making excuses out of fear. Yeah, no, I have the finances for therapy. Like, if I need to see somebody or, you know, that's my priority. If I don't have that, then what's the point of having money? What's the point of having a career if you're not gonna be able to take care of yourself?

• 6:41Sabrina Zohar?

  And it all just kind of hit me of, wait a minute, if I wanna show myself love, doesn't mean I have to go and spend a shit ton of money. I'm not saying, but I need to invest in myself. That means I need to show up for myself in different ways and not be frustrated and not be annoyed and not be, God, if I keep feeling this, you're gonna just keep perpetuating the same shit if we don't stop that loop. So I wanna start with what real self-love is not. Before we go into how do you show up? So self-love isn't just a feeling, it's literally a system. So the psychological concept here is that self-love equals the combination of self-respect, self-trust, and self-protection. Why do you think I always say, when you guys are like, oh, overthinking is a protective mechanism? It's like, yeah, because you don't trust yourself. If you trust yourself, then when you make a decision

• 7:25Sabrina Zohar?

  or you think something, you're not going to second guess and sit there and ruminate and spiral and do all that. You go back into that default mode network that's just, okay, let's just do the same thing. And then, of course, you activate the salience network. And the salience network is like, ooh, let's find more of this because I'm being rewarded for these thoughts. When I have it, spike goes up, I get the dopamine release. Oh, yay, this is what they want. And so what we wanna look at is like, we wanna have a system of internal checks and balances that show up when you're choosing who to date or who to be in a relationship with. You're deciding how much to give. You're determining when to walk away. Because it's really important. When we look at the neuroscience of it, your prefrontal cortex, as you guys know, it's the rational thinking, boundaries, and gets all that shit. That gets overridden by your limbic system, the emotional, the attachment, when you don't have internal safety.

• 8:09Sabrina Zohar?

  So think about like lizard brain, when we go into the limbic part of the system. The amount of times, I can't tell you how many emails, because, you know, if you guys wanna ask advice or a question, you can purchase one, and I send you back a video, and it's really tailored, private. That way, nobody ever finds out about what's going on. I can't tell you how many emails I get of, well, DMs too, I just don't answer them, but how many emails I get of, you know, I met this person and it's been Three weeks and like they came on really strong and then and and and and now they they wanna text me more and I don't feel comfortable and I'm feeling really like eh and oh is it just because I can't receive love it's like no that's not feeling safe. How can you feel safe with somebody you just fucking met? How are you just all of a sudden gonna be like wow I can disarm, I can share my triggers, I could be vulnerable, I could I don't fucking know who these people are. I don't know how these people are.

• 8:51Sabrina Zohar?

  And that's why I wanna go over this because when you don't have the internal safety, that's why you know you should walk away, but you don't. That cognitive dissonance. And I mean, you wanna talk about a time where I fucking knew that this person wasn't right for me? And I completely overrode my guttersing about this morning. I was dating this guy, I'm not gonna say his name, I feel inappropriate doing that, but it was this guy in Brooklyn. And I'll be honest, he just had a big dick. He was just really hot. Not even, he wasn't even that hot, he was just really good in bed, like really fun. And truth be told, like, I never enjoyed my time with him. Like, I remember, I'll never forget. I had, like, in New York, I had Airbnb'd my place and I was like, hey, do you wanna go away? Like, you wanna do something? I have to get out of the house anyways. And so we went upstate. And we had like a decent time, I wouldn't say it was the best. And like, I remember he dropped me off home and he posted on Instagram saying,

• 9:36Sabrina Zohar?

  "The view was amazing, the company was above average." And like, not tagging me or anything, but just being like that he had a great weekend, no mention of me. And at this point, we had been dating for like three months. And I remember sitting there being like, "I feel dismissed, I feel small, I don't feel like he had met my family, we had like gone out, we were seeing friends." And instead of me stopping and being like, "Hey, this doesn't feel right," like, I just kinda was like, "Oh, but he's here and he likes you and he's showing up." And it's like, it wasn't working for me. I wasn't actually showing up for myself. I saw this as, "Oh, you're dismissing me, you're putting me down similarly like my dad, right? Like, we have a nice time and then the next day I piss you off or I do something?" That's familiar. I didn't listen to my gut the entire time, but my gut kept saying, "This is not your person, you don't really like this person."

• 10:19Sabrina Zohar?

  But because if I listened to that, I'd have to acknowledge, "You're right, that doesn't align with me, ooh, I have to take up space, that means I'm choosing myself, that's fucking terrifying, you choose me." You come and tell me you like me. Or, I've been in relationships like that too, you're so focused on, "Okay, I'm in a relationship now." And then I get those emails every day of like, "I'm super fucking anxious now, I'm questioning if they're gonna leave me," it's like, cuz this shit doesn't go away. This shit doesn't just disappear one day because you're like, okay, now I'm in the relationship. No, no, no. Loving yourself and choosing yourself, dating yourself, being with yourself is how you're really going to understand. And it's like my client that I was saying earlier, that every time, she's always so focused on like, how do I make this go away? And it's like, but you're not actually understanding what it's trying to tell you, what is it trying to warn you of, and what is it trying to alert you of

• 11:01Sabrina Zohar?

  that it needs more of you? So we had an audience question. Someone said, I say I love myself, but I still go back to people who hurt me. Why? The reality is, I don't know your traumas, your triggers, your history. I don't normally answer why questions, but I would say, reframe that to I don't like, as Britt Frank always says, but like, on paper, that's because your nervous system hasn't caught up with your values yet. Real love isn't just cognitive, it's truly in bodies. So you have to build the habit of choosing yourself under stress. That's why it's like, oh yeah, I'm really good when I'm regulated. And then when I'm not, I'm a fucking nightmare. Or I keep doing this. It's like, well, yeah, that's like saying when things are good, they're good. But when they're bad, watch out. And it's like, well, that's going to cause peaks and valleys. And self-love isn't just standards, right? It's what you do when they're tested.

• 11:45Sabrina Zohar?

  So if you consistently tell me I want consistency, I want safety, I want depth, like, that's easy. The test of self-love is what do you do when someone gives you the opposite? When someone doesn't choose you? When someone says you're being too much, you're too fucking sensitive. I just want to go with the flow. Do we go back into the fawn, into the limbic, into a past pattern? That's okay. If you do, you're a fucking human. None of this is ever to berate or belittle anyone that's listening. It's really just to be like, oh, fuck. Okay, maybe I do do that. Well, okay. And so a tool you can use is standard verse pattern. So I want you to write down your top three dating or relationship standards. So whatever those could be. Then I want you to write down the last three patterns you tolerated. So if your standards are like, I'm only going to be with someone who speaks to me with respect. Okay, then either if you're dating or if you're in a relationship,

• 12:29Sabrina Zohar?

  I want you to write like, and have I, what's the last, has my partner also done that? So which one is running your love life? Is it the vision? Or is it your nervous system defaults? Because this is where cognitive dissonance lives. And I know we say two conflicting thoughts, but the cognitive dissonance lies between what we say we want and what we settle for when we're dysregulated, lonely, or hooked. I have been in relationships because I am so scared of walking away. Because again, if you walk away, even my ex, the biggie, the biggie one of like, I'm never going to accept this. I don't want to date my father anymore. And then I was with him for a year and a half. There was a cognitive dissonance. I knew I deserved better in my gut and in my soul, but my nervous system and the patterns I had were like, nah, this is, that's way too

• 13:12Sabrina Zohar?

  much work, babe. Because it takes a lot of consistency. It takes a lot of repetition and it takes not just momentum, but what are you doing with that momentum? Are you showing up every day in some capacity? Because realistically, like, how much you love yourself or not is going to change the way you date. I actually watched this reel. I'm trying to get this guy on the podcast. I really like him. And he's like this, I can't remember his name. I've just like seen his stuff. And he's this very straight, fast talking. And he was at a conference and this woman says, why does this guy keep coming back to me after he ghosts me? And, and after I tell him my standards and what I'm willing to accept. And the guy just looks at her and he goes, because baby, you keep fucking answering. He was like, do you think that we don't see, which is what I've been fucking trying to tell you guys. You don't think that people can pick this up? When you say, well, that's my boundary and then you fucking do it anyways? That people are like, this person doesn't actually validate them. They don't take themselves seriously. Because

• 13:57Sabrina Zohar?

  if they did, then they wouldn't be holding themselves like this. Imagine if I kept saying, guys, like, this is who I am and I'm showing up like this, but then every time someone came and said I talk too fast or I curse too much, that I was like, oh my God, okay, I need to change. Oh my God. And started freaking out. You'd be like, oh, so she doesn't mean what she says. She just doesn't say what she means. She's not really, those aren't aligning. And that's going to change the way that you date or have relationships. Because when you don't love yourself, when you don't stand for something, you fall for fucking everything. So, self-love makes you selective without needing to perform. Because the reality is when you're grounded in self-worth, you choose you. You're not fucking auditioning. Without self-love, dating or your relationship will become performative. You're going to people please. You will over-function. You're going to curate your texts, your tones,

• 14:37Sabrina Zohar?

  your outfit, your timing, just to be chosen, which is why I fucking hate the black cat, golden retriever nonsense. You want to listen to it? Good luck, Godspeed. Let me know how your dating life is, that you're trying to be this version of yourself that you're not. It's not old McDonald. Like, we're not just talking about, these are humans and complex emotions and nuances. They're not a Tamagotchi. It's not my avoidant this. These are people. And when you're showing up trying to be something, I used to do that. I wanted to be the cool girl. I wanted to be the girl with no needs. I didn't want to be too much. I didn't want to pressure them. And what did I do? I did what they wanted. Oh, my God, I can't tell you how many times like a dude would send a sexual photo and I'd be at work. This was when I was like 22. And they'd be like, go to the bathroom and send me something. And I, instead of being like, fuck you, I'm doing, I was scared. I was scared that they weren't going to choose me.

• 15:22Sabrina Zohar?

  And so I would do it and then I'd feel like shit. And it would be this five minute thing. And then you'd be like, so do you want to hang out or hang? And then all of a sudden they wouldn't answer and I'd be left there hating myself and being like, oh, but mad at them, right? Like they made me do this and you made me do this. It's like, no, they didn't. No, they didn't. They were made a request. I made a choice. You get choices. If you want to be seen, why don't you start seeing yourself? I'm working on that, starting to validate. Yeah, this is who I am and I'm fucking stoked on it. I'm not going to try to change it. I'm not going to try to be something I'm not. Because if I try to be something I'm not, then I'm just falling with the crowd. And part of being a thought leader and part of being something different and unique, whether that be by yourself or with a group, is that you're not scared to lose people because you're more scared of losing yourself.

• 16:04Sabrina Zohar?

  And when you're not scared to lose people because you're more scared to lose yourself, the game will fucking change. The game of life, not literally the games that you play with people. But my life has changed. When I started choosing myself and not being waiting for other people to validate me, I still have those people reach out. I had somebody the other day, I haven't spoken to this person in three, since 2022, when I invited him to my party and he didn't even answer. All of a sudden messaging me like, hey, how you been? And I knew it. I looked at Ryan and I was like, what does he fucking want? I'm like, it's opportunist from LA. Oh, good, good. Oh, you know, I just left my mom's book launch. You know, you guys should connect. She'd be a great podcast guest. And I was like, there it is. I haven't spoken to you for three motherfucking years. But instead, what if in the past, when I really wanted to be chosen, I'd be like, oh, my God, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, connect us. I looked her up and I was like, this doesn't work with our audience. I'm like, there's nothing that aligns here.

• 16:48Sabrina Zohar?

  Like I just, I get to be selective and say, no, thank you. And if you don't invite me to stuff, you know, that's cool. Then you weren't here for me. You were here for what I could do for you. And it's the same even with everything I'm doing now, with the podcast, with my Insta, with my socials, with everything. If you're not here for me, that's okay. You have every right to be like, this doesn't work for me. But that doesn't mean I need to conform and contort and bend and become something for other people to like me. Because for everyone that's here now, for all of you guys that have fucking been here with me, whether it be from the beginning or from today, welcome. That would be me going against you. Imagine, let's put that into reverse. Imagine you're my inner child and you're telling me, but I love who you are. I'm here for you. And I'm going, God, shut the fuck up. These people aren't. We need to get them. I'd be turning my back on you and that would be such a grave disservice. Someone said, how do I stop trying to prove I'm worthy on dates?

• 17:33Sabrina Zohar?

  It's totally normal, but you stop proving when you believe you're already enough because believing that, like truly believing that comes from showing yourself you'll choose you even when someone else doesn't. So again, we have a part of the brain called the ventral vagal state of the nervous system. So that's the calm, connected zone where curiosity lives, right? That's when you're regulated and you can start to challenge things and get curious of like, what's coming up for me? If you're in fight or flight, freeze or fawn, you're trying to control the outcome instead of actually exploring the connection. So when you're so caught up on, are they choosing me? And you're not even stopping to say, wait a minute, do I choose them? Do I like them? Do I take up space? Like, it's okay to be alone. I, again, one of my clients messaged the other day and she's like, I'm just feeling really lonely. How can I make this go away? And I was like, maybe you stop.

• 18:18Sabrina Zohar?

  Maybe you invite those parts of you to say, what are you trying to tell me? What are you trying to protect me from? What do you need from me? How can I show up for you? Oh, you think you need to run the show? I'm sorry, baby, you don't. You're only a child. That's what I'm here for. So I want you to do, there's a tool I love to call, it's called the, am I performing or participating? It's an inventory. So after a date or with your partner, I want you to ask, did I show up as me or did I show up as a version of me designed to be liked? Was I observing them or was I just trying to impress them? I have done this. I have changed who I was. I have changed how I've dated. I have changed, I've become the chameleon. Even with my ex, the biggie, when we were together for a year and a half, I wanted to be a different person because I looked and I was like, okay, well, the way that I was in all these pastings didn't work, so let me try something different.

• 19:03Sabrina Zohar?

  And it's the same as the like, sleeping with someone, do this, do this, don't do this. It's like, I don't give a fuck, do whatever the fuck you want to do. Stop, you're not a child. You don't need other people's fucking permission to live your life. You need yours. And every time I tried that, I tried to do the, okay, I'm going to wait five dates with this guy, I'm going to wait 10 dates with this guy. And it all ended up being the same because I wasn't being authentically myself. I was doing it to control the outcome, not because we were genuinely connecting or not. I know, again, I'm not saying you have to do, you don't have to sleep with anybody. But when you stop and say, oh wow, I'm doing that to control, I'm doing that to have an understanding of what's going on, I'm doing that because I want to get validated from other people that, look, I'm not doing it wrong. It's like, all I was doing is just re-mimicking, trying to be what my dad wanted me to be and never succeeding because who he wanted me to be doesn't exist. I'm not her and that's okay.

• 19:48Sabrina Zohar?

  But when you try so hard to be something and get the approval, you end up being fucking shattered at the end because you're like, wow, wait, I'd rather be rejected for who I actually am than who I pretend to be. Because self-love is going to end your addiction to potential. And I know, I know, you guys are all about the potential. I hear this every day of like, he has the potential, she has the potential. And it's like, but are they that right now? You've been dating this person for like six to eight months, but you're not seeing that. So what are we doing? It's the difference between growth-minded. Like when Ryan and I dated, when we would have an issue, I'd bring it to him and I'd be like, oh, wow. Like, he handled that really well. We would grow and then we would grow and then we would grow. That's not dating potential. That was dating who was in front of me. Oh, he's growth-minded. Awesome. Not, oh, but I know that if he goes to therapy, he could be great. And it's like, what?

• 20:32Sabrina Zohar?

  Without self-trust, you're not dating people. You're dating their fucking fantasies. You're drawn to emotionally unavailable people because it gives you a project to solve, which equals control. And I hate to say it, but you're also emotionally unavailable then. If you're consistently dating people that it's just the episode that we had a couple of weeks ago, or no, at this point, a couple of months ago, of when you're emotionally unavailable, the reason you're going to date emotionally unavailable people is because that feels safer, right? If you're like, oh, well, they're emotionally unavailable. They don't share their feelings and emotions and stuff. It's like, what are you doing? Are you taking up space then and saying, no, thank you? When you love yourself deeply, you no longer chase the potential. You only invest in reciprocity because you know you actually fucking deserve that. That's why I made the pullovers for the merch that say, don't believe everything you think and your anxiety is lying to you.

• 21:15Sabrina Zohar?

  Because those are two aspects that I don't need to forget. Those are two aspects of life that I want to hold on because I can't believe everything I think. Feeling and facts are two different things. So someone said, why do I feel attracted to emotionally unavailable people? Well, because a part of you is emotionally unavailable. It's safer. Emotionally unavailable, it feels like home if you grew up with the unpredictable. It's familiarity, it's not chemistry. And that's just a reality because there's a part of your brain called the hippocampus, and it stores emotional memory. So if inconsistency equals love growing up, your brain is seeking it as a signal for connection, even when that's harmful because it's familiar. I hear this all the time of like, oh, well, they can change. And it's like, okay, right now, right now. Tomorrow morning, when you wake up, don't do your routine. You would forget within five seconds. You would wake up and probably forget because you're on autopilot.

• 21:59Sabrina Zohar?

  Your brain's like, hey, they're exhausted. They don't have a lot of bandwidth. Okay, just shut down, just do what they do. Do what they always do, go back into the familiar, we'll be safe. But that's not actually keeping you safe. It's just a pattern. And that's literally what the whole book I'm writing on right now. So it's really fun to be able to come back to it. But I want you to do something called the fantasy detox. I want you to list the qualities that you're drawn to in unavailable people. Then I want you to ask, do I actually want these traits? Or do I associate them with love? Because that's what I had to earn growing up. So for me, like, I dated the potential all the time. I would date, meet these guys, and it was whitewashing. Because there was one thing that I liked about them. That was it. They were all of a sudden great. And if they didn't choose me, it's because there's something wrong with me. It could never have been because maybe there's an issue with this person, or maybe they're not actually available, or maybe they haven't done any work on themselves. No, no, no.

• 22:44Sabrina Zohar?

  Automatically, because they were nice one night, that was it. That's why I kept dating potential. Because I wasn't sitting with myself saying, how do I actually feel? Wow, I'm feeling really lonely. Or being honest with myself. I'm feeling really lonely. I'm feeling really sad. I'm feeling, right? And that's, again, the self-love course that Britt and I have goes way into depth, way more into this. You have tools, you have concepts, you have things that you can actually revert back to. So that way, you can show up for yourself more than just like, you listen to the podcast, you're like, okay, next? I don't want that. I want you guys to start implementing this material. Whether it be with me or your fucking therapist, I don't care. And self-love is the ultimate act of self-protection. You leave sooner because you no longer gaslight yourself. Most people, they don't lack the intuition. They lack the self-trust to listen to it. That's why I keep fucking saying, you don't overthink because you're trying to just protect yourself.

• 23:28Sabrina Zohar?

  You overthink because you don't trust yourself. When you love yourself, you don't wait for the 15th red flag to realize. You don't rationalize misalignment. You don't stay because you don't want to start over, or sunk cost bias. You leave because staying would mean betraying your fucking self. You leave because you know that this is not the best that you can fucking get, and this is not all you deserve. You deserve more than breadcrumbs. You deserve more than bullshit, but you need to fucking believe that you deserve more. It can't be me telling you that. Because you will continue to allow what you think you deserve. You let people love you in the ways you think you deserve it. Look at the relationships you have, your friendships in your family. Come back to me and tell me that they're treating you like this. Why? Because you're not setting boundaries? Because you're not standing up for yourself? I don't care, again, whether you're in a relationship or not.

• 24:12Sabrina Zohar?

  There are people that are going to be invested in the unhealed version of you.

• 24:16Sabrina Zohar?

  So someone asked, "How do I know if I'm walking away too fast or actually protecting myself?" Which is a really valid question and something that I think is really great. The thing is, is self-love doesn't react, it responds. So if your decision is bringing relief, even through grief, that's rooted in love, right? That's being like, "Wow, okay, I made this decision. It might hurt, but I do feel better because I just don't think that person was for me." If it brings panic, then it might be rooted in fear or avoidance. So if you're like freaking the fuck out, or everything is, "But I missed my shot. And what if they were this? What if they're that?" That's like, that's you avoiding being like, "What do I actually need for myself?" Focusing on them. Because when you focus on them, that's why I'm saying, my anxious folk, all of my anxious attachers being like, "Well, I'm emotionally available. I really want a relationship." It's like, no, no, you're not. When you focus on them, "Why didn't they choose me? What do they want? Why don't they like me? Why

• 25:01Sabrina Zohar?

  aren't they doing this? What's wrong with me? How can I get their attention?" You are self-abandoning focusing on them. That's avoidance. You're avoiding looking up what's coming up with yourself. Same with avoiding people who have anxiety. They just shut down and go inward because they don't know how to process or speak about it. My anxious folk, neither do you. I'm sorry, neither do you. A lot of the times, you guys don't know how to deal with this or handle it, and that's okay. I'm not chastising anybody. But when something doesn't seem like it adds up, why are you focused so much on them but not about yourself? And then I want you to do, there's a tool I love, would I want my future self to thank me for this? I want you to imagine, three months from now, would your future self be proud that you left when you did? Or would that future self be exhausted because you stayed to avoid discomfort? Because you didn't want to actually leave. I've made so many hard decisions. In hindsight, they were the clearest expressions of self-love.

• 25:45Sabrina Zohar?

  Like, every time I've broken up with a partner that I've stayed way too long, that's me saying, "I love you." Like in Sex and the City, "I love you, Richard, but I love me more." Because you're saying, "I'm not gonna stay in this just because I'm scared to hurt you, or I don't want to be alone." It's like, I'd rather be alone than in bad company. And you know that you really love yourself when you're no longer afraid to be alone. I'm not. I love Ryan to the moon and back. And I say this all the time, like, if we ended tomorrow, I'd be sad, but I'd be like, "I'm really grateful for that." I'm not scared of losing somebody. I'm scared of losing myself. I'm scared of living a life. That I'm not actually showing up for me because I lived that for so long. Living for my dad, living for my mom, living for my sister and brother's approval, living for the audience's approval. I'm fucking tired of it. I'm tired of it. Because when your nervous system is regulated, solitude isn't a threat, it's safety.

• 26:30Sabrina Zohar?

  I love being alone because I know, like, Saturday, Ryan was out with his friend all day. Oh my God, it was the best. I mean, I love my partner, but like, I got to listen to my music on blast. I was dancing around, I did a microdose of mushrooms. I had the best fucking afternoon. And we came home, I was like, ah, good to see you. But I loved being with me. Because without self-love, being alone means it feels like you're being abandoned. Well, self-love, being alone means you're being anchored. So maybe we could try a nervous system anchoring practice. I want you to pick one solo ritual a week that brings you pleasure, not just peace. So maybe that's going on a date. Maybe that's just getting ready for just you, right? In the morning, like, maybe that's celebrating a small win without sharing it to other people. What that does is it teaches your brain that you are a source of joy, not just a placeholder between relationships. What that shows is that you are choosing yourself. Like, I make my bed every morning.

• 27:14Sabrina Zohar?

  Britt Frank has always said, what you're doing is you're signaling to your brain, I matter. I'm worthy of being chosen. That's why I'm saying, go to therapy, join a course, whatever, I don't care. It doesn't have to be my course, it could be anybody's. But spending money on yourself is when you say, I'm invested. Like, I'm doing this small detox, a lot of you guys know about it. I've spent fucking $5,000 plus on it in the last year. It's like a whole process with all the supplements and everything. You think I miss a day? Not a fucking day, because I told myself, you matter. You matter. All of my life, no one would spend money on me, I'd have to beg. So that's my way. Could be time, maybe no one spent time on you, and that's what you're doing. Again, doesn't have to be fiscal, but show yourself that you matter. Show up for yourself in some fucking way. Listening right now to this podcast, showing yourself that you love yourself. I'm doing this for me. I'm not doing this to hope that I can get them, or that they're gonna like me, or that

• 27:59Sabrina Zohar?

  maybe I'll convince them. I'm doing this for me. Self-love isn't loud, it's in the small, quiet choices you make over and over again. When you choose peace over panic, when you walk away and when it's misaligned, whether you're in something right now or not, when you refuse to beg for the bare minimum. You become the love of your life, not by saying it, but fucking living it. And then, when someone comes along and they don't complete you, they complement the life that you've already built, that's when you know. You fucking succeeded. That's when you know. It's because you're not looking for someone to come and solve everything. You say, I love my life. And it's like, you're allowed to be lonely. You're a human. You're allowed to be like, this is kind of shitty. But I want you, if you're in a relationship right now, I want you to look at your partner and I want you to ask, do I feel fulfilled?

• 28:43Sabrina Zohar?

  Am I hoping that they're going to change? Because then that means I'm not loving myself because I'm not being honest with them. Loving myself would mean showing up for myself. Loving myself means validating myself. Loving myself means not discrediting myself, means taking myself out on a date, going for a walk by myself with just maybe my music, maybe a meditation, maybe nothing. Loving myself means not berating myself or putting myself down or saying, I'm so fucking stupid. Loving myself means making different choices. And so if you guys want to go deeper, highly suggest checking out the Self Love Course with Britt Frank. It is linked in the show notes. And if you guys need help from dating from a grounded place, that's why you got the Foundation Course. It teaches you how to regulate your nervous system and stop spiraling in dating. And then of course, you have the Nervous System Course. If you are dating somebody and you're struggling with the texting, the unknowns, the early stages, we got you. Guys, I'm so fucking grateful for you.

• 29:28Sabrina Zohar?

  Thank you for sitting with me. Thank you for allowing me to share some wisdom, some love, some tough love. And thank you as always for being in my corner. And if you're not, that's okay too. I respect and value and love every single person here. And I'm here for you guys. And so as always, until next time, my babies, don't forget, choose your fucking self and you will start to see your goddamn life change. Love you guys.