Becoming a Dad Exposed My Greatest Fear

On today’s episode, we hear about: A man grappling with his own mortality A woman wondering when she should start budgeting with her fiancé An expectant mother struggling with putting her baby up for adoption Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I obsess over my mortality a bit, especially since I've had my kids. And like since I've been thinking about it, I'm sure it has something to do with having lost both my parents over the years. I cannot leave the house without giving them and my wife a kiss and a hug.

• 0:20Dr. John Delony?

  So why, why do you think there's something wrong with you? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls from all over the planet. Right here in Nashville, Tennessee is where I recorded this show with Kelly and the gang. We're taking your calls on mental and emotional health and your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. JohnDeloney.com/ask, A-S-K. Reach out and we will holler back or let you and see if we can get you on the show. All right. Seal Beach, California. Let's talk to Nicholas. What up Nicholas?

• 0:58Speaker 00

  Hey, how's it going Deloney?

• 1:00Dr. John Delony?

  Doing all right, brother?

• 1:01Speaker 00

  I can't believe this is actually happening right now. I'm like, kind of freaking out a little bit. I'm a little nervous.

• 1:06Dr. John Delony?

  For me too dude, I'm glad you, I'm glad you called, man. What's up?

• 1:09Speaker 00

  Um, so I'll just get right to it. When I wrote in, my question was kind of like, uh, I obsess over my mortality a bit, especially since I've had my kids. And like since I've been thinking about it, I'm sure it has something to do with like grief with my, uh, having lost both my parents over the years. And, um, yeah, so that was like, yeah, I don't really know where to go from there. I can just keep going. You can, I'm probably, I'm a rambler a little bit, so.

• 1:37Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, I don't know anything about rambling at all, ever. So that's good. Um, tell me what, when you say obsess over your mortality, tell me what that means. Like, paint me a real life picture of what that looks like, day by day.

• 1:50Speaker 00

  Well, it's just, it's something that's like, like simple example, every time, I have three little kids, I have twins that are seven, almost seven, a little girl who's almost three. And I cannot leave the house without giving them and my wife a kiss and a hug. Obviously because I love them and everything, but the back thought is like, what if I get into a car accident when I'm out of the house and the last thing they see is me leaving without a hug and a kiss?

• 2:16Dr. John Delony?

  Are you in the military?

• 2:17Speaker 00

  Like, I am not in the military now.

• 2:19Dr. John Delony?

  Are you a responder anyway?

• 2:22Speaker 00

  Uh, no, I'm a, I'm a personal trainer for work.

• 2:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 2:25Speaker 00

  Um, I've actually had to, I had to do CPR like six months ago on a member in the gym. That was kinda wild, but no, I'm not a, my wife is a nurse, um, but, uh, yeah.

• 2:35Dr. John Delony?

  Um, so tell me about your life experiences that have brought you to this sense of panic. By the way, I did the exact same thing. Exactly as you. And I have OCD, so there's that, right? I'm not saying it's healthy, but I have the exact same thing.

• 2:54Speaker 00

  Alright.

• 2:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, um, tell me about what's happened in the past that brought you here.

• 3:00Speaker 00

  Um, well, so both my parents have passed. Um, they like, you know, kinda differently. So my mom got sick, uh, she had breast cancer and she was, she got sick when I was like nine-ish. And then she ended up passing away when I was nineteen. And there was a lot of years in the middle where she was in remission, so like, everything was okay. And then, um, you know, things took a turn and then she ended up going when I was nineteen. And then, um, about five years ago, uh, my dad, like two weeks into COVID lockdown, my dad had a random heart attack and passed.

• 3:37Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man.

• 3:37Speaker 00

  And my sister ended up like finding him with her boyfriend. They were all, we were all like locked down and I got the phone call and, and it was just like out of nowhere. Um, like the day he died, he had gone on like a twenty mile bike ride with my sister and her boyfriend and he laid down to take a nap and that was it. And, um, and so I've kinda like seen, I've kinda seen like how it goes from both directions as far as like a low, like a, like a slow thing like with my mom. And then just all of a sudden one day with my dad. And, uh, and yeah, so it just.

• 4:15Dr. John Delony?

  So why, why do you think there's something wrong with you?

• 4:20Speaker 00

  I don't, I, you know, I've been kind of thinking about it since I got like the phone call. I don't know, I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I think the underlying issue is just I've never, like my grief, you know? And it's just, that's probably how it's manifesting maybe.

• 4:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 4:33Speaker 00

  I don't think there's anything wrong with me really. Um, I just, it's like sometimes I can't sleep. It's like I get anxiety from thinking about just, like sometimes I, I'm almost sure, even though there's no way of being sure. Like my dad, my mom died when she was 45 and my dad died when he was 55, like a week before he turned 55. So like in my head, like I'm just trying to make it to 55. You know, and it's just like, it's like, it's kind of rough to think like that, I guess.

• 5:04Dr. John Delony?

  So I guess the question I'm going to ask you is, are you, and this is going to sound like I'm kind of making fun of you. I'm not in any way. This is a serious question. This can be, okay? Are you interested in releasing that? Or is that a frame by which you are comfortable living? And here's what I mean by that. Like here's what I mean.

• 5:25Speaker 00

  Okay, yeah.

• 5:26Dr. John Delony?

  I, my son slept through his alarm this morning. He's 15, he's headed out to high school. My wife is taking him. He ran down the steps this morning while I was, passed me in the, in the garage gym. I was working out. Said goodbye, said I love you, have a great day. He said, love you dad, have a great day, but I didn't go hug him.

• 5:47Dr. John Delony?

  That will for me be like an unscratched itch all day.

• 5:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? Um, at nighttime, I just take a couple of laps around the house and check the locks a few times. I used to try to fight that. I don't. It's just dumb. It doesn't bother me. I don't even get annoyed by it anymore.

• 6:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:06Dr. John Delony?

  And so some of those things I've just made peace with, they're just my life. That's okay. Other things like rumination, I worked really hard to free myself from that and it sucked, but I don't have that anymore. Like I literally didn't bother me. I don't have those, those looping thoughts all the time. So my question for you is, is seriously, is that something you want to be free from? Cause there's some tangible things you can do, but it sucks.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, for sure. I mean, the, I do like the fact that how like, you know, I'm, you know, I'm there with my kids as much as I can and I like how close we are and like, you know, I don't want to stop, you know.

• 6:41Dr. John Delony?

  But here's the problem with that. Here's the problem. Your kids know that you're, that you need them for oxygen and they can't carry that weight.

• 6:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:54Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 6:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:56Dr. John Delony?

  They are learning in real time. We are responsible for dad's well-being and that's a really heavy burden and responsibility to put on a child.

• 7:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:09Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 7:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, I do. Um, I feel like, I try not to, I mean, I'm sure they can feel it. I'm sure I don't do, you know, we all screw up all the time, but I, I do my best. I talk to my wife, like my wife's awesome. You know, we're like nine years into our marriage. We just hit nine years and like, she's rad and I love her and more and more, like, you know, so like I have people to talk to and I can talk to, I can talk to like my sister who,

• 7:36Dr. John Delony?

  And I got that. Tell me this, tell me this. What do you want to be different?

• 7:42Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 7:43Dr. John Delony?

  What do you want to, like, the purpose of this call, what, what do you want to be different?

• 7:49Speaker 00

  The, uh, I guess managing my, like, my grief when it comes in the ways that it does. Cause sometimes I'll be fine and then there's like a couple of seasons a year where it kind of comes in like a heavy wave and I like to put it out of my mind for like the, the rest of the year, then it comes and it's kind of like debilitating a little bit.

• 8:09Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. It'll drown you if you don't, if you don't stare it down.

• 8:13Speaker 00

  Yeah. And it's that, that season is like, it's like birthday season in my house. My whole family is within a month from each other. And so, and it's like tough to be away from my parents are gone. And then like my dad passed away on my mom's birthday and their birthdays are like four days apart. And then I have another buddy who passed away and they have, him and my dad have the same birthday.

• 8:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Let's, let's do this. Let's do this. Um.

• 8:39Dr. John Delony?

  Before the week is up, I want you to go to a local stationery store or a local store where you can get some nice cardstock paper, okay?

• 8:51Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to get a nice pen. I want you to actually spend the money to do this.

• 8:56Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to sit down and I want you to write your mom a letter.

• 9:04Dr. John Delony?

  And that letter's gonna have three parts to it.

• 9:07Dr. John Delony?

  How much you miss her?

• 9:10Dr. John Delony?

  How pissed off you are that she left you at 15 or 16 years old?

• 9:18Dr. John Delony?

  How upset you were when you were 10, feeling like you had to take care of your mom? And that's gonna feel gross to do, but that voice is in there.

• 9:28Dr. John Delony?

  In the third part of that letter, I want you to let her know what kind of incredible dad and husband you have become.

• 9:35Dr. John Delony?

  Tell her about your boys. And tell her who you're becoming.

• 9:43Dr. John Delony?

  And tell her you can't wait to see her on the other side.

• 9:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:49Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to write that same letter, this time next week, to your old man.

• 9:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, the old, uh, the dad stuff's a little bit.

• 9:59Dr. John Delony?

  It will be. It'll be really tough.

• 10:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, cuz it's a lot more fresh.

• 10:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 10:03Speaker 00

  And he, he knew my kids and stuff.

• 10:05Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 10:07Dr. John Delony?

  Tell him that kid number one really misses you. I hate explaining to kid number two where you are.

• 10:18Dr. John Delony?

  And I feel like I'm too old to miss my dad, but I wish my dad would call.

• 10:25Dr. John Delony?

  And then tell him what kind of man you're gonna become.

• 10:30Dr. John Delony?

  Tell him what kind of the ways you're gonna take care of, what you've learned from him, the way you've taken care of. He took care and loved you, loved your sister, even welcomed some other knuckle-headed man into the family. You're gonna be just like that. Maybe we'll even raise the bar. And then also tell him you're gonna go get your Calc score, you're gonna get some cardiovascular testing done, and you're gonna make sure that you hang on till 85.

• 10:55Speaker 00

  I've done all that. Like I said, I'm a personal trainer, so I try to do my best to stay on top of all that, and my blood work and stuff.

• 11:02Dr. John Delony?

  Good. But I want you to get this stuff out of your body and put it on a piece of paper. That's number, that's step one, is writing those two letters, okay? And if you have to write one to your buddy, write that one also. Okay?

• 11:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:16Dr. John Delony?

  That's a way of shaking the salt shaker of grief and certain, passing it through. Um, here's the second thing. I want you to close your eyes real deep, and imagine yourself at 85. And I want you to write you a letter now at 30.

• 11:40Speaker 00

  Alright.

• 11:42Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to thank yourself for all of the things you've done to become the man you became at 85 years old. And start, start the letter with, "Dear Nicholas, tomorrow I'm gonna die." And at 30, or at 28, however old you are right now, you made some choices to live differently. And that's made all the difference. You chose to take care of your health, you chose to be the best husband you could ever be, you started taking classes on how to be a good dad, you, fill in the blank.

• 12:22Speaker 00

  Dude, you, man, I take some of the stuff I listen to you, I go apply it in real time, and I see how much it works.

• 12:27Dr. John Delony?

  It's crazy how little it takes, doesn't it?

• 12:31Speaker 00

  Dude, the, "What does your vision look for the day?"

• 12:34Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, how can I love you today? Yeah, it's wild, huh?

• 12:37Speaker 00

  Is the greatest, like, marital advice I've ever heard, and I do it all the time, whether my wife realizes it or not, now she will, but...

• 12:43Dr. John Delony?

  It's awesome.

• 12:44Speaker 00

  I do it all the time, yeah.

• 12:46Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, one last thing for you, okay? There's some kind of alchemy.

• 12:53Dr. John Delony?

  To how OCD and anxiety kind of map together. And that's for a whole other nerd podcast.

• 13:01Dr. John Delony?

  Not on this show.

• 13:04Dr. John Delony?

  But you have a responsibility to yourself and to your kids and to your wife to live non-anxiously. Okay. And so I'm gonna send you, I'm gonna send you my book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. But under this, these conditions, I want you and your wife to read it together. In fact, I'm gonna send you two copies, y'all can read it together. And I want you to use it as a roadmap to reverse engineer and build your life.

• 13:31Dr. John Delony?

  Cause an anxious body finds things to try to solve in order, in order to stay present, in order to stay safe in the present. And your mind is spinning and spinning and spinning. Sure, it's unresolved grief, but there's also a reality to it. Is your job safe? Is your finances safe? You say you wife, you love, love, love her. Would she say the same things about you? Do you have kids with health issues?

• 13:54Dr. John Delony?

  Are you worried, you say you think you're gonna be dead at 55, right? Like, building a non-anxious life is, is reverse engineering, giving your body a chance to exhale so it can actually deal with real threats in the present. So hang on the line, I'm gonna send you that book. That's your three homework assignments, dude. And they're not tough, but they're awful. Writing letters

• 14:15Dr. John Delony?

  to your mom and dad individually.

• 14:19Dr. John Delony?

  Writing a letter to yourself from your 85-year-old self the day before he passes away.

• 14:24Dr. John Delony?

  And then starting a hard, real, true, honest conversation with your wife about, let's change our entire home so that our bodies have a chance to exhale.

• 14:35Dr. John Delony?

  And that'll give us permission just to be sad during birthday month. By the way, you're gonna always be sad during birthday month? Don't fight that. That's right and holy and good. You're supposed to be sad when people you love pass away, all within a couple of days of each other. That's good. Question will be, what are you gonna do with that sadness? You gonna go serve somebody? Are you gonna go just by away, go on a camping trip by yourself? It's when you don't, if you don't honor it and you just sit at home and you're grumpy and you're mean and you snap at people and you buy stupid stuff or you drink too much, that's when that sadness and grief isn't healthy or good. But choosing to honor that grief and be like, alright, I leave every week, every year on that weekend, or I go serve the homeless people on that weekend, or whatever, I'm gonna, I'm

• 15:15Dr. John Delony?

  gonna take that time and honor it, is right and good. Thanks for the call, brother. Appreciate your honesty and thanks for being in our gang and thanks for being a good dad. Sorry about your mom and your old man, dude. They sound amazing. They've left you a pretty remarkable legacy.

• 15:34Dr. John Delony?

  Now it's time for you to grow and pass it on.

• 15:38Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, we talk a lot on this show about boundaries. Emotional boundaries, relational, financial, but there's one boundary that almost nobody talks about, and I don't talk about it enough. Your digital life. Right now, your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school, is sitting on countless websites that you've never even heard of. You didn't give them permission to have that information, but it's out there. And let's be honest, this isn't just annoying, it's a violation. That constant exposure creates this anxiety that's always just humming in the background of your life. Something always feels off when other people may know stuff about you, especially private things. And that's why I use Delete Me.

• 16:22Dr. John Delony?

  Delete Me goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information. They track down your info and they remove it, and every few months, they send you a report showing you exactly what they've done. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries, and boundaries help you have peace. So go to joindelete.me/deloney and use code DELONY to get 20% off. That's joindelete.me/deloney to save 20%.

• 16:53Dr. John Delony?

  Got to St. Louis, Missouri and talked to Rebecca. Hey Rebecca, what's up?

• 16:57Speaker 02

  Hi, Dr. John. How are you today?

• 16:59Dr. John Delony?

  Great. How are you?

• 17:00Speaker 02

  I'm actually pretty nervous, but I'm pretty good at the same time.

• 17:03Dr. John Delony?

  Very cool. I'm nervous too, so we can be nervous together.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  That works for me.

• 17:08Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 17:08Speaker 02

  My question is, when is a good time to start budgeting? I guess with your partner and or fiance. I have been dating a guy for a little over a year and a half. He has asked my parents for permission for my hand in marriage. All of that jazz, I'm expecting it any, any week now, I guess. And I just don't know when a good time is to start planning for like saving up for a wedding together and all of that. While also being respectful of his boundaries.

• 17:38Dr. John Delony?

  So, I guess, I don't want to over dramatize this question. Is this a mechanical question or is there deeper? Like, I don't really know that I fully know where this guy is. Where he thinks about money, how much he actually makes, how much he owes. I don't know this guy when it comes to finances.

• 17:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's fair. I guess there's a deeper question on it. Cause I do trust him. We've talked about finances and debt before. But I am worried like when is, if there's another shoe that's gonna drop. Like, he hasn't done anything that has made me scared about like our relationship. I think it's more my past of just trying to over prepare and protect myself if I can see something coming down the line. And the budget is really the last hurdle, I guess, for us in that regard before marriage. Like, I think I've listened to a lot of other callers where there's a lot of financial infidelity. And like, it's a little scary maybe to take that next step.

• 18:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it's terrifying. Yeah, you're joining everything in your life. So, I...

• 18:45Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what a budget will do for you. It will force you and him to put your values on a shared piece of paper.

• 18:56Dr. John Delony?

  And it will force you to operationalize plans to make these values come true.

• 19:03Speaker 02

  Right.

• 19:03Dr. John Delony?

  And that's scary.

• 19:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:07Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I love you, you're handsome, I like making out with you, like let's, let's build a life. All that's finding well and good, but a budget forces you, it, it's a mirror. Who are you actually? Not who do you say you are, who do you wanna believe? Who are you?

• 19:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:24Dr. John Delony?

  What do you value? Do you value lattes? Do you value giving money away? Do you value safety? Like what do you value?

• 19:32Speaker 02

  That's a good point.

• 19:34Dr. John Delony?

  And that's scary. And so when's the right time to do it? Today, like right now?

• 19:39Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 19:40Dr. John Delony?

  And, and, but, but hold on, hold on, hold on. It, it's the right time to talk about that sort of who are we going to be?

• 19:47Speaker 02

  Hmm, like into our future together. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

• 19:51Dr. John Delony?

  And who knows? Like whatever y'all put on paper, I wanna have a thousand acre ranch. I wanna have a house downtown. None of those things will be where y'all end up, more than likely.

• 20:01Speaker 02

  Right, exactly. Right.

• 20:03Dr. John Delony?

  But here's, here's the important thing. When those things change, do we have a roadmap for putting new things on the table? I know I've always said I wanted this. I think I'm starting to change my mind. And will you be curious about that and not judge me about it?

• 20:19Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 20:19Dr. John Delony?

  Or I don't think people, like I kinda roll my eyes at people who buy six dollar coffees. I roll my eyes at people who make their own coffee at their house. Let's have those conversations.

• 20:29Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 20:30Dr. John Delony?

  And that's what, that's what this idea of a budget will help you do. When, when, don't combine money yet, though.

• 20:36Speaker 02

  Okay, no, we're not combining money yet. Um, he does, he does live with me, but it's separate. That's house right now.

• 20:43Dr. John Delony?

  Keep everything separate. And because like it just becomes a nightmare untangling everything.

• 20:48Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 20:49Dr. John Delony?

  And I know that everyone who gets engaged, it's always gonna work out perfectly. But I just wouldn't have a job if everybody's plans worked out perfectly. Um, and so like when y'all, when y'all, when y'all sign on the dotted line and become legally together, um, and here's why. The, the, this sounds crass. The government has a dissolution process when you're married.

• 21:11Dr. John Delony?

  There is a, there is a, there is a series of steps that take, that is happens legally to divide up assets and to allow two people to move on their merry way. When you are just roommates and you'll buy stuff together, that whole thing gets messy, messy, messy, messy.

• 21:26Speaker 02

  That makes sense.

• 21:28Dr. John Delony?

  You paid off my debts, but I put gas in your car, I mean, it can be a nightmare. Whereas when you're married, we're going down the middle, or here's how we're gonna divide up childcare, all that kinda stuff. There's a process for it.

• 21:40Speaker 02

  Okay. Yeah, I think that makes sense. And for me, I've worked very hard to be independent. It's probably ironic if I'm letting a man like live with me, but the finances, like what I have done, it's, it's my like last protection barrier, I guess we could say, where I'm keeping as much of that, like I've, I've always had to keep that safe. So it's, it's a very scary thing to share that with somebody, um, and potentially legally share it with somebody. Um, I think that's partially why I'm like, I wanna see your credit score to see if you're telling the truth about how much debt you have.

• 22:16Dr. John Delony?

  And is there anything in your nervous system that suggests he might not be telling you the truth?

• 22:22Speaker 02

  Not from him, no.

• 22:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so here's a beautiful moment for you. For you to practice vulnerability. And my guess is you being, somewhere along the line, you being vulnerable got you hit, or got you excluded, or got you some sort of repercussion. And if you carry that, the thing that kept you safe as a kid, if you carry that into this new marriage, it will destroy this marriage.

• 22:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:50Dr. John Delony?

  And it's not a character flaw, it's just something to practice, it's a skill. And so, you saying, "I need to be vulnerable with you." Nothing, I've, I'm assuming y'all have slept together, like I've shared all of me with you, except for one thing, and that is, I'm terrified about sharing money. It scares me. And I also know the data that says having two separate checking accounts is not as healthy for our marriage, that, that, that's, that's just, it's data. If you share marriage accounts, if you share, have a joint checking account, which by the way, it blows my mind, couples don't have that, but whatever. Um, like you'll, I'll, I'll, I'll let you into my body, but I won't let you into my checking account.

• 23:35Dr. John Delony?

  It's a strange al- algorithm for me, but whatever. So, I, that scares me, and so I want to talk through this because I'm scared to death about it. And I want to practice being safe with you.

• 23:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:50Dr. John Delony?

  And then hopefully he'll say, well, how can I help you feel safe? And be like, can we both pull our credit reports? You don't trust me? No, no, no, I don't trust me yet.

• 23:59Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 24:00Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Oh, can we practice make a budget? That's ridiculous, and I know it's silly, but I would just make me feel safe.

• 24:07Speaker 02

  Okay. Yeah, he'd be game for that. He already wants to do, um, Financial Peace University with me.

• 24:13Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, yeah, I want to do the Dave Ramsey thing. There you go, dude. Look at you guys.

• 24:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've been practicing that for a while, so I have to train him. Uh, I have to train him to.

• 24:24Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna have to train him probably for a lot of things, like how to do everything exactly as you want to. But anyway, um, these are all great questions, but at the root of it, money and relationships, here, this, and I'll tell you, this makes me upset. It frustrates me. Um, I went through two PhD programs and a graduate program. I didn't, not only did I not have a course on the psychology of money, I didn't have a single class. I never took a class. Um, my great friend, Dr. Angie Bryant, she just graduated. She did her dissertation on the psychological impact of student debt. It's devastating. Y'all live that. Y'all know, we all know. I've lived that.

• 25:08Dr. John Delony?

  Um, but also sharing money, putting, money is just a reflection of what I, what I value. What am I going to exchange my time for at work in exchange for money? And what can I get for my time? What can I get from my services? And how am I gonna spend that time on coffee, guitars, food, daycare, colleges, cars, bikes? Like, it's a value statement. And when you share deep values with somebody, man, it's revealing, and it's scary and it's hard. So have those conversations. And again, I'll say this till the cows come home, don't share money. The number of people I've met with over the years, they got, they were dating a long

• 25:53Dr. John Delony?

  time, they got engaged, one, they started paying off debts together, one person paid off somebody's car, or one person paid off somebody's student loans, and then they break up. There's no recourse, you're just out. And it's a mess. And so when you become married, you become one. One plus one equals one. And then y'all, all of your debts are y'all's debts. All of your purchases are y'all's purchases. Y'all's money. Y'all's future together. And that's just a new psychological way. And our individualist society has just destroyed that sort of camaraderie and togetherness. So, um, great, great question, Rebecca. I wish you guys the best. Hopefully, he gets off his butt and actually asks you to marry him soon. Jeez, what's that guy waiting for? Just kidding. Take it slow.

• 26:38Dr. John Delony?

  It's all good. We come back, a woman struggling to move forward after choosing to put her baby up for adoption. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I have great friends, a strong faith, I've got an amazing wife and family, and I've got two PhDs worth of information about how to be well. And yet, it's been the critically important times, and there have been several over the years, incredibly important times, that I've spent with a great therapist that have actually made all the difference for me. The right therapist can change everything for you and your mental and emotional and relational health. And this month, my friends at BetterHelp are shining the spotlight on therapists.

• 27:21Dr. John Delony?

  These are people who truly make the world a better place. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the largest online therapy provider in the world, and they've served over 5 million people globally. And over 1.7 million client reviews and an average rating of 4.9 out of 5. This is evidence that BetterHelp works. And BetterHelp is totally online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they're going to connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. If it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. This month, we celebrate the therapists who've helped millions of people take a step forward towards being well.

• 28:05Dr. John Delony?

  If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start on that journey. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney. Tampa, Florida, let's talk to Anna. Hey Anna, what's up?

• 28:25Speaker 03

  Hi, how are you?

• 28:26Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing alright, how are you?

• 28:28Speaker 03

  Doing pretty good, all things considered.

• 28:31Dr. John Delony?

  All things considered. Man, it's great to talk to you. What's up?

• 28:35Speaker 03

  You too, yeah, thank you for taking my call today. I guess I'm just kind of looking for some insight and advice on how to move forward in life after choosing to place my baby for adoption.

• 28:47Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm, tell me about that.

• 28:50Speaker 03

  Um, well, my questions are kind of just surrounding the fact that I haven't had support from the birth father. I'm not super close with my own family and just kind of like picking up the pieces after this, um, in terms of like finances.

• 29:05Dr. John Delony?

  Have you already, is the adoption over?

• 29:08Speaker 03

  Um, she is due any day at this point.

• 29:12Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, so tell me about, tell me about the decision to give her up for adoption?

• 29:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's a decision I came to really early on in the pregnancy, um, just due to me wanting the best for her. I want her to have a two-parent, stable, loving home, um, and I just was not able to provide that for her, so.

• 29:35Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm, can I ask you a hard question?

• 29:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:43Dr. John Delony?

  I'm getting a sense that you don't feel worthy to be her mom.

• 29:51Speaker 03

  Um, I'm not sure. I just did not want her to grow up in a in unstable, unsafe environment. Um.

• 30:02Dr. John Delony?

  Are you unstable and unsafe?

• 30:06Speaker 03

  Um, financially, for sure. Definitely not stable.

• 30:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I mean, for, for right now.

• 30:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:16Speaker 03

  It's just not like what I would ever want for my child, um, you know, to grow up in. So.

• 30:24Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 30:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:29Dr. John Delony?

  Are you pretty fixed on the decision?

• 30:32Speaker 03

  Um, yeah. So I have a family that I've met and chose and I absolutely love them. They've been just like such a huge light at the end of this tunnel for me.

• 30:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 30:42Speaker 03

  Um, they've been together for years and they have two kids already and they just have like such a great, uh, family dynamic and they can provide for her everything that I would want. Um, so I'm pretty, pretty set on it. Yeah.

• 30:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. But I want you to hear me. They can't provide you.

• 31:01Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 31:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:08Dr. John Delony?

  And I will honor your wishes and I try to talk you out of it.

• 31:12Dr. John Delony?

  But you're more important than

• 31:16Dr. John Delony?

  cool hip clothes and whatever else.

• 31:21Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:22Dr. John Delony?

  Whatever else you think you aren't worthy of providing her. Okay?

• 31:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:29Dr. John Delony?

  And what a nightmare trying to come up with the finances to be a single mom, giving birth, raising a kid right now. Ab- real, very real, very real.

• 31:41Dr. John Delony?

  And there's some gymnastics and some hoops and some resources out there.

• 31:49Dr. John Delony?

  But I want to honor your request, okay? So, talk to me about your question.

• 31:57Speaker 03

  I guess emotionally, um, you know, placing her, it kind of just feels like a train approaching and I know that it's gonna hit and I just, like, I know it's going to be very painful and I, I just want to be well-prepared, um, because like four to six weeks after the placement, I'm gonna be left to, uh, pick up all the pieces, like financially and everything, so returning to work, I do have two jobs lined up, but it just feels like, I think I'm putting pressure on myself to recover and kind of jump back into life and it's just kind of like scary what that is gonna feel like.

• 32:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I- is this an open or a closed adoption?

• 32:42Speaker 03

  It's an open adoption.

• 32:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, yeah, I think you're right. Um, I would say this twofold. One, everybody handles this differently, okay? And so it would be wrong and not good of me to project and tell you, no, it's a train, or no, actually, it's just a Prius, or actually, it's just gonna be a warm breeze. Like, everybody experiences this differently, okay? Statistically speaking, yes, it's a devastating transition. It's a very big deal.

• 33:18Dr. John Delony?

  And trying to pretend it's not coming, or trying to pretend it's not as bad as it actually is, or trying to pretend, all those, because there's, there's just hard questions, right? There's identity questions, am I a mom, am I not? Like, like, answering those kind of hard, guttural, identity questions are tough, right?

• 33:34Speaker 03

  Um, yeah.

• 33:35Dr. John Delony?

  And if you already struggle with, do I think I'm worth X, Y, or Z?

• 33:42Dr. John Delony?

  And then you go through this experience and it can compound, it can be a multiplier, let me say it that way, okay?

• 33:50Dr. John Delony?

  For insecurities, for anxieties, it can be a multiplier.

• 33:55Dr. John Delony?

  But, does that make sense?

• 33:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:58Dr. John Delony?

  So the greatest gift you could give yourself is to be surrounded by people that care about you?

• 34:04Speaker 03

  Right.

• 34:05Dr. John Delony?

  Having some sort of network.

• 34:10Dr. John Delony?

  And getting it from you don't have any family support or anything like that?

• 34:15Speaker 03

  Um, so I have two counselors that I'm seeing, which is awesome. And then I am getting plugged in my church as well, um, and kinda seeking support through them.

• 34:26Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent. Um, I think being, having places where you can go and be honest and that people will invite you over for a meal and you having the courage to say, I just wanna go have meals with people.

• 34:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:39Dr. John Delony?

  Which will be tough because you don't wanna be a burden anymore than you already think you are, which by the way, you're not. But being able to say, I'm gonna need some support and any support would be great. And then being specific about what you need would be really, really helpful.

• 34:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think that's a big problem for me is always kinda feeling like a burden.

• 34:55Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 34:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And a few things break my heart anymore.

• 35:05Dr. John Delony?

  Like somebody, when I'm talking to them and you could probably hear my voice, I get all choked up, but I'm sorry. Um, but I'm not sorry. When somebody thinks they're, they're a burden at this scale.

• 35:18Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I think you're pretty awesome.

• 35:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, me too.

• 35:25Dr. John Delony?

  Good. Good. So, yeah, I think, um, dealing with having a plan for grief and having a plan for, um, just that low season and then not only the low season psychologically, but obviously there's hormones, there's the whole pregnancy, right? There's that part of it. And you're gonna continue working with your therapist through this time?

• 35:50Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 35:51Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Very good. Very good. Now, tell me about, um, these jobs.

• 35:58Dr. John Delony?

  How are you supporting yourself right now?

• 36:00Speaker 03

  Um, I'm super, super thankful. The adoptive family through the agency helped, um, with like my medical bills and transportation and groceries. So all my basic needs have been met through that, which is just been amazing. Um, and I'm currently not working, so I don't really have much of my own income or anything. So I have a entry level, like behavioral health job lined up and then a job at like a store lined up as well.

• 36:31Dr. John Delony?

  Very cool. Good.

• 36:35Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have a place to live?

• 36:37Speaker 03

  Yes, yeah, I'm in, I'm in an apartment that, um, after the adoption, it'll be back on me to pay for. I initially had gotten this apartment with the birth father, but that didn't work out. So then that, that financial aspect was on me.

• 36:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 36:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:54Dr. John Delony?

  I want to speak to you directly because I love you, but I would normally not say it this direct this soon after meeting you. Is that okay?

• 37:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, go for it.

• 37:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. After the birth this baby, you're going to be dancing on a razor's edge. Okay?

• 37:11Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 37:13Dr. John Delony?

  Six months to a year of absolutely hitting the gas

• 37:23Dr. John Delony?

  will, will, will change the trajectory of your life.

• 37:29Dr. John Delony?

  Six months to a year of taking your foot off the gas could change your, the trajectory of your life in the other direction.

• 37:38Dr. John Delony?

  And the fact that we live in a society that puts brand new mothers in this situation, it's, I'll never understand it as long as I live. Um, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a shameful blight on our culture, but here we are. Okay?

• 37:56Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna have some choices, like, I'm gonna live really frugal.

• 38:02Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna hit the grindstone. I'm gonna continue seeing my counselor. I'm gonna start going for walks. I might even get a dumb little dog. And I say that dumb, just kidding, my dog's dumb.

• 38:13Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 38:14Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna get somebody, a companion of some sort. I'm gonna lay off of dating. And I'm gonna work, and I'm gonna work, I'm gonna work, and I'm gonna get myself this magical elusive thing called margin.

• 38:30Dr. John Delony?

  A tiny little bit of margin, a tiny little bit of peace.

• 38:32Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 38:35Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean? That means you're gonna have a lot of meals at home on the very, very, very cheap.

• 38:43Dr. John Delony?

  And you'll buy meat and vegetables on the sale aisle.

• 38:51Dr. John Delony?

  And you'll forego expensive things for a year.

• 38:55Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 38:55Dr. John Delony?

  And at the end of this year, hopefully you have a car that that will get you from A to B. It doesn't have to be nice and you'll have been able to make your rent. And you're gonna have some cash in the bank for the first time in your whole, whole life.

• 39:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, this isn't, this isn't, uh, I mean, it is a spiritual exercise. It's a psychological exercise, but it's a math problem that is a solvable math problem. It just comes at a high cost.

• 39:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 39:27Speaker 03

  I, I definitely wanna look into getting some sort of like financial accountability person or something like that.

• 39:34Dr. John Delony?

  I'll hook you up with that. I'll, I'll get you, I'm gonna send you Financial Peace University. I'm gonna send you the EveryDollar app, the premium version. I'll give that to you for a year, okay?

• 39:43Speaker 03

  Oh my goodness.

• 39:44Dr. John Delony?

  I'll hook you up with that stuff. That's the easy stuff. Those are tools. The challenge will be, can I use them when I'm feeling really, really low?

• 39:56Dr. John Delony?

  Can I use these things and stay on the path when ex-boyfriend circles back in the picture and I'm very, very lonely?

• 40:07Dr. John Delony?

  Will I be able to use these things when one of my family members calls and says, "You owe me", fill in the blank?

• 40:16Speaker 03

  That's kinda where I'm at, is I'm totally like done with repeating a lot of negative um, patterns in life, negative coping that end me up in the same places, so...

• 40:28Dr. John Delony?

  It's awesome. But I want you to treat it like AA.

• 40:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:32Dr. John Delony?

  Which means you're not trying to crush the year. I'm trying to get through today.

• 40:41Dr. John Delony?

  And if I can get through today, making more money than I spent, if I can get through today, I've got this goal of having $2,000 in a savings account at the end of the year, or $5,000 in a savings account at the end of this year. And every day, I can look at my two jobs and say, "I contributed this much more to that $5,000 bucks." And then I get up the next day and I do it again. I get up the next day and I do it again. It's a very boring, boring year.

• 41:08Dr. John Delony?

  Instagram doesn't tell you how boring success is, especially at the beginning. It's repetitive, it's over and over. It's choosing to not eat the donut to lose the weight. It's choosing to go to the gym even when you don't feel like it. It's choosing to just go to that second job even though you are so tired you can hardly, you can hardly open your eyelids.

• 41:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:29Dr. John Delony?

  And then you're gonna wake up in 365 days, and you're gonna have $5,000 in a checking account.

• 41:39Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna exhale for the first time, and it's gonna be a choice then. I'm not gonna upgrade apartments, I'm not gonna go buy a car that I can't afford. I'm gonna keep plugging.

• 41:49Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying? And this thing will breed this magic thing that's eluded you your whole life, which is confidence.

• 41:56Speaker 03

  So I should accept and kind of think about that it's not gonna be fun necessarily?

• 42:02Dr. John Delony?

  There's nothing fun about what you're entering into.

• 42:04Speaker 03

  Okay, okay.

• 42:05Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 42:07Dr. John Delony?

  But you can look at that two ways. You can look at it as it's gonna be miserable and awful and I hate my life. Or, this morning I had a leg workout.

• 42:16Dr. John Delony?

  It was, nothing about it was fun.

• 42:19Dr. John Delony?

  And I've been having some troubles with one of my feet. Like, it hurt, it wasn't fun at all. It was painful. And yet, it was the next right thing.

• 42:29Speaker 03

  Right, right.

• 42:34Dr. John Delony?

  So people in community, continue seeing your counselor, and make a plan for the next 12 months.

• 42:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's something I've, I've never done in life, so that's, this is a huge next step, for sure.

• 42:50Dr. John Delony?

  I'm really, really proud of you. I'm gonna send you Building a Non-Anxious Life 2. I want you to use that book as a roadmap, okay?

• 42:57Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 42:59Dr. John Delony?

  I'll also send you my buddy Dave Ramsey's book, Total Money Makeover. I'm also gonna send you my buddy Ken Coleman's book,

• 43:08Dr. John Delony?

  Paycheck to Purpose.

• 43:11Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to begin thinking about life after minimum wage.

• 43:15Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm, yeah, okay.

• 43:18Dr. John Delony?

  If you scratch and claw for a year and get 5,000 bucks in, then you can afford to drop one of those jobs and go to night school and get trained up. Or your entry-level behavior, behavioral health job will maybe pay for you to go to school.

• 43:35Dr. John Delony?

  And we're gonna start thinking bigger and slowly bigger and slowly bigger, okay?

• 43:40Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 43:41Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 43:43Speaker 03

  Definitely.

• 43:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Today's day one.

• 43:51Dr. John Delony?

  And you've got a tough, tough road ahead of you, and I'm glad that you've already made steps to get people in your life, okay? You call me anytime, anytime along this journey and I'll answer the phone for you, okay? We'll have you back on, and I want you to hear me say this one last time. You are not a burden.

• 44:11Dr. John Delony?

  You're not.

• 44:15Dr. John Delony?

  I don't care what that old boyfriend said to you, I don't care what your parents said to you, I don't care what the world has said to you, you are not a burden.

• 44:23Dr. John Delony?

  And it was a high honor that I got to talk to you today.

• 44:27Dr. John Delony?

  Blessings to you. We'll be right back.

• 44:32Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's talk about my favorite mattresses on the planet, Helix mattresses. Summer is gone, the days are getting shorter, fall is here, school is back in full swing, football games are on, everybody's running around crazy, and I'm finding myself, and I know you are too, wanting to numb out more and more. We have to be intentional when things get bananas about protecting our sleep, because here's the truth, sleep is an incredibly large part of how well we feel. When we're not resting, our minds can't reset. Sleep is one of the most important things we can do to stay mentally sharp, emotionally

• 45:13Dr. John Delony?

  steady, and able to show up for our families, our workplaces, and our communities. And this is why I love talking about Helix. Helix builds mattresses for you, not the generic, average sleeper. So whether you're a hot sleeper, a side sleeper, a back sleeper, or somewhere in between, Helix designs mattresses around your needs, yours. So, I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz, just like I did, it takes like two minutes, and they're gonna match you- With exactly the right mattress. Right now, my audience can get 20% off their entire order. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney for 20% off everything site wide.

• 45:56Dr. John Delony?

  That's helixsleep.com/deloney. And tell them you heard about Helix mattresses right here on this show. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.

• 46:08Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. Kelly, my skin kind of burns right now.

• 46:14Speaker 04

  I know how you feel. I'm, I'm wearing the logo of a, of a cheater right now.

• 46:20Dr. John Delony?

  I am wearing a logo of.

• 46:23Speaker 04

  A recent World Series winner? Yes, you are.

• 46:26Dr. John Delony?

  I'm wearing a logo of just a second-rate Texas team.

• 46:34Dr. John Delony?

  Texas, all of Texas is not doing great right now.

• 46:36Speaker 04

  No, but we don't need, this is a hap, a, a good thing we're talking about. So we don't need to get into that.

• 46:41Dr. John Delony?

  Like, they're all kind of embarrassing. Like, they're just not doing great. And these two teams, I don't think they're doing great either.

• 46:48Speaker 04

  No, but they're coming together for a good purpose.

• 46:50Dr. John Delony?

  They are. Tell us about this purpose, Kelly. Kelly, got me this shirt with the Houston Astros logo on it and.

• 46:56Speaker 04

  And a Texas Rangers logo.

• 46:57Dr. John Delony?

  Texas Rangers logo on it.

• 46:58Speaker 04

  Um, so as I'm sure everyone knows, um, back in July, there was the horrific floods that happened in the hill country in Texas and, um, a lot of lives were lost. And so the Houston Astros and the Texas Rangers came together, which by the way, does not happen.

• 47:17Dr. John Delony?

  Nope.

• 47:18Speaker 04

  Never happens. And, um, when they played, they had jerseys that were both teams' logos on them. And so then they've also both been wearing the, these shirts for batting practices. Um, and then they sold the shirts and all money has gone to organizations that are supporting the cleanup and the families of those that were lost and, uh, those that were injured. So we thought that, I, I saw it and I was like, we, John and I could come together on this as well, and here we are.

• 47:49Dr. John Delony?

  And Texas can't come together for about anything right now.

• 47:54Dr. John Delony?

  Except for this.

• 47:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 47:56Dr. John Delony?

  So, good job.

• 47:56Speaker 04

  We come together when it counts. When it's really important. May not come together for politics, or...

• 48:02Dr. John Delony?

  God almighty, they can't come together for politics?

• 48:04Speaker 04

  No.

• 48:05Dr. John Delony?

  My gosh, what are they doing?

• 48:06Speaker 04

  But when it matters, it's about the best there is.

• 48:11Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. So, I have sworn off my Astros this year, but... And I was... I mean, just being born in Houston, we were raised to despise the Texas Rangers. But alas, for a good cause, well done, Kelly. Together for Texas. If you want to check out these shirts, we'll link to them in the show notes. Every little bit helps those families, man. There's just been some nasty devastation. And they're still cleaning up. Long way to go. Thank you, guys, for loving each other and for loving your neighborhoods, man. And where you can come together, find common ground, do your best to find it. Bye.