Pod Insights The Dr. John Delony Show Am I Doomed to Repeat My Family’s Tragic Past About this episode On today’s episode, we hear about:
A woman struggling with her family’s history of mental illness
A mom wondering who her daughter’s father is
A young man battling unhealthy coping mechanisms
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:05 Speaker 00 My father was abusive in every way and then when I was 12 years old, he actually publicly killed himself in a place that we were at with our friends and family.
0:16 Dr. John Delony? Oh man, to get to the root of a couple of things, I'm gonna have to make everybody uncomfortable.
0:28 Dr. John Delony? What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your kids, your spouse, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm so honored to sit with you and figure out what's the next right move, no matter what you're going through. Let's go out to Charleston, South Carolina and talk to Jane. Hey Jane, what's going on?
0:53 Speaker 00 Hi, nice to talk to you, John.
0:56 Dr. John Delony? It's nice to talk to you. What's up?
0:58 Speaker 00 Um, so I have a lot of backstory, but I'll start with the question. Um, long story short, I'm pretty scared of my DNA. Um, I'm the youngest of six kids and we were abused growing up. Um, and my father suffered from mental illness. Um, and as we grew up, I kind of thought it just made us stronger. But now I'm watching all of my siblings' marriages fall apart. And at this point, I'm the last one married. And, um, so I just wanna know if there's a way to avoid pretty much giving into our DNA.
1:32 Dr. John Delony? Wow. That's, it feels scary when you feel like you're not in control of your own body. What happens next, huh?
1:43 Speaker 00 Yeah, and I just feel a big sense of impending doom.
1:47 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
1:49 Speaker 00 And my husband, I mean, he's just beautifully patient. And I've got a young son and they're so pure. And I just know that if something were to happen to our marriage, it would be a result of me.
2:07 Dr. John Delony? It's not true, but I also know that that feeling and belief is very real inside your chest, and so I want to honor that, okay? Take me back, as much as you feel safe doing so. Tell me about the abuse.
2:22 Speaker 00 Okay, so, growing up, again, I was the youngest, so I feel like I was, I saw the least, probably. I can't remember most of my childhood as a trauma response. My father was abusive in every way, physically, financially, emotionally, sexually. And, like, we were never stable. We almost got evicted so many times growing up. We had cars repossessed. And then, when I was 12 years old, it came to light that he had sexually abused my sisters. He introduced my brothers to porn at a very young age.
3:02 Speaker 00 And my mom kicked him out of the house, and in return, he actually publicly killed himself. And in a place that we were at with our friends and family and stuff. So it was very just out of spite, if that makes sense. And he was bipolar, and me and my siblings, we just, it felt almost like we made it out of that trauma, like, we grew together. It felt like we were almost like battle buddies, and I look up to them more than anything. I still do. And I'm just, these are the people that I ask for life advice for everything.
3:46 Speaker 00 And then, I got married five years ago, and five of us were married at the time. And as of right now, it looks like by the end of this year, I will be the only one of us married.
3:59 Speaker 00 And when I speak to them about it, it's all either them struggling with traits that my dad had, or struggling with just PTSD, trauma, and acting out from that side of things.
4:18 Dr. John Delony? Oh, man. This is tricky in this setting, okay? So, before I start, and there's a couple of reasons why, because to get to the root of a couple of things, I'm gonna have to make everybody uncomfortable, okay? And normally, I would never do that if I'm sitting with you in a first time I've, the first time I've met you, okay? So mostly, what I'm gonna say is gonna be something that I want you to promise me you'll go meet with a professional, okay? And this will take place over a series of weeks, if not months, okay?
4:59 Speaker 00 Okay.
5:06 Dr. John Delony? I'm gonna say it this way, okay? And I'm gonna oversimplify it, but what I hear in front of me is a woman who needs some peace because she's scared of herself.
5:17 Speaker 00 Right.
5:17 Dr. John Delony? And I want you to know that fear is very real, and it's right. You have seen and experienced things that no child should ever see or experience, okay?
5:28 Speaker 00 Okay.
5:28 Dr. John Delony? Also, and this is gonna sound crazy, what I'm saying right now, okay? There will be time for anger and deep, deep rage, but I want to, I want to flip something around for you so that you can do the most important thing for you and your family right now, which is you begin to heal. And so I want you to think of dad's suicide less about a last hurrah, screw you, middle finger to the family, and more of, um, how old is your little one?
6:04 Speaker 00 He's two.
6:05 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Imagine if he crawled out of his tiny little race car bed, and he was sick, and he didn't feel good, and he ran into your room and said mommy, and then he barfed everywhere.
6:21 Dr. John Delony? Okay. We wouldn't get mad at him for that. It would be awful. We'd have a big mess to clean up and everyone would be frustrated. But we're not going to get mad at somebody who's sick and just explodes everywhere. Okay? So if you reframe, "I'm not letting your dad off the hook. I'm not minimizing how awful it is, but what I want you to do is, is take that fear and that anger and exhale it and begin to say, 'Okay, I have to look in the mirror and I have to ask myself, what am I going to do next?'" And constantly looping back to dad means he still has his hooks in you.
7:05 Speaker 00 Right.
7:06 Dr. John Delony? And so if I say, "Dude was sick. He wasn't well. He did some evil, awful things when he was sick." Now, when you, as you begin to heal and you begin to stand up tall, God almighty, yes, the rage will be right, the anger will be right, and you'll be with a professional to process that stuff. But I want, if as early as possible, to unhook him from this sense of destiny that you feel like you have, that you've been cast into, okay?
7:34 Speaker 00 Okay.
7:35 Dr. John Delony? Here's the second thing, and this is really scary. You and your siblings survive together, right?
7:45 Dr. John Delony? Your healing journey sounds like it's going to be on your own, apart from them.
7:52 Speaker 00 Yeah.
7:53 Dr. John Delony? And that's terrifying because you guys all banded together while you all were floating out at sea when the ship that was supposed to carry you from childhood to adulthood sank right in front of you.
8:06 Dr. John Delony? And they, they're, they're on a different trajectory than you are right now.
8:13 Dr. John Delony? And your healing, in many ways, will feel like abandonment.
8:19 Dr. John Delony? Or your great marriage will feel like a slap in their face, right?
8:25 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, I get that part already.
8:27 Dr. John Delony? Okay, and so, and by the way, I spoke wrong. Your healing will not be alone, but it may not be with them.
8:37 Dr. John Delony? And that means you have to go do something that is terrifying for your nervous system. And that is go find new people to trust.
8:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:48 Dr. John Delony? And talk to me about how scary that feels.
8:52 Speaker 00 It is scary.
8:55 Speaker 00 I
9:00 Speaker 00 It's really scary and it's hard because they're all my role models. And so it's like to me.
9:06 Dr. John Delony? I don't think they are, Jane. I don't think they are.
9:10 Speaker 00 I just feel like they're the strongest people I've ever met. So if they can't get past this, then I don't have a lot of hope for me.
9:20 Dr. John Delony? I would suggest that they they're making choices on a day by day basis.
9:26 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:26 Dr. John Delony? And that actually feels scarier.
9:29 Dr. John Delony? Because the next question is, you mean they're choosing this life?
9:34 Speaker 00 Right.
9:34 Dr. John Delony? And so the hard truth that I would give them if they called in is I'll never, ever kick somebody out of the table, sitting at a table with me when they're making, when they're constantly going back to the well with things like addiction, things like anger, things like rage, things like feeling like intimacy is terrifying because all those things are true. And I would not do this show, I wouldn't sit with hurting people if I did not believe in the power and the resilience of people and their communities to heal.
10:10 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:11 Dr. John Delony? And so what I think a reframe is they y'all survive together. And in many ways, they kept you afloat when you were a little girl. You didn't drown because they kept reaching out and holding you, right?
10:25 Dr. John Delony? That doesn't mean they're going to be the architects that help you build your new home on shore.
10:31 Speaker 00 Right.
10:32 Dr. John Delony? And there's a strange way this might flip over time. You, in fact, might become the beacon of light for them.
10:42 Speaker 00 Wow.
10:44 Dr. John Delony? And that's how people survive together. Sometimes somebody jumps on their grenade for everybody, and then the rest of the survivors pick up that person and carries them to the medic.
10:56 Speaker 00 Yeah, I see that.
10:58 Dr. John Delony? And so you're choosing to go sit with a trauma therapist? And what we're trying to do is teach our body that family is the thing that will... Like connectivity, deep, powerful, trusting, safe relationships, that's oxygen. We all have to have that. And for your sweet little 12-year-old body, that is a nightmare.
11:23 Speaker 00 Yeah.
11:24 Dr. John Delony? Right? And so that's what quote-unquote "healing" is. Healing does not mean what happened didn't happen. It doesn't mean we're just gonna forgive and forget and go skipping down the road. What it means is, as for you and your house and that sweet little two-year-old that you see every morning,
11:41 Dr. John Delony? I'm going to live my life in a way, and it's gonna come with scars. It's gonna come with late nights. It's gonna come with pain. And I am going to... The family tree changes with me.
11:53 Speaker 00 Right.
11:56 Speaker 00 That's what I want. I want to change the family tree. And my mom, she always taught us, growing up, she would say, "This is a terrible thing that happened to you guys. This is awful. But you do not get to take this with you out in the world and treat people like it's their fault. This does not become your spouse's problem when you grow up."
12:19 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, but hold on, hold on, hold on. That is... That's somebody hitting you with a 2x4 and then telling you you're not allowed to cry in public.
12:31 Dr. John Delony? And your mom may be a sweet woman, but deep down, there's also a part of you as a 12-year-old girl saying, "Will some adult in this house please protect us?"
12:40 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:41 Dr. John Delony? Right?
12:44 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:44 Dr. John Delony? And so part of your healing journey is gonna come with a ton of rage for her, too.
12:51 Speaker 00 That's hard because to me, she's a superhero.
12:53 Dr. John Delony? I know, I know, I know.
12:57 Dr. John Delony? But do you hear how, this is how trauma works. It disconnects you from yourself, from your memories, from your identity. And then it, which tells your body, you are not enough. You are not lovable. You must attach yourself to other people immediately, or you're gonna drown. And when you're 12, that's true. When you're 25 or 35, it's no longer true. And those same attachments will sink you.
13:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
13:26 Dr. John Delony? And I'm not saying hate your mom. I, I, I had a mental health professional tell me like, if you don't say F you to your family. And I just walked out of the office. I was like, you're an idiot. Okay. But there, until you allow that 12 year old girl that's still trying to protect you, still looking around with her head on a swivel, saying, oh my gosh, what kind of electric home do I live in? Till you free that little girl, your body would be failing you in the present if it wasn't still looking for threats everywhere.
13:56 Speaker 00 Yeah, and I feel like I'm looking for threats everywhere.
14:00 Dr. John Delony? And the demon for you is you think you're the threat.
14:04 Speaker 00 I, I feel like I am, I do. I see, um, I think it's just so scary because, um, I see traits of my dad and myself.
14:13 Dr. John Delony? Tell me about it. Tell me about them.
14:16 Speaker 00 Um, well, I loved, I loved him.
14:20 Dr. John Delony? Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Tell me the traits, because you're, you're already looping back to protect, which is what kids do when they've been abused. You can't, you can't defend him on this show. I want to talk to you. Okay.
14:32 Speaker 00 The trait specifically is rage.
14:35 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
14:36 Speaker 00 I, I tried to go to therapy and I went to two sessions. Um, and she wanted me to get actually diagnosed and I have not done that. But she said she believes I have a panic disorder that gives me rage episodes. And, um, before I had my son, I kind of coped with it by working out or, um, and I know this isn't a good thing, or taking like a THC gummy and it would just chill me out. But you know, when I feel rage, I'm, I'm with a toddler all day and I just kind of shut down. And I'm like, why do I, why do I feel this way? And it's like, If, if the slightest little thing in a plan changes specifically on my husband's
15:16 Speaker 00 part, I just get so mad inside and I, I see that it's not reasonable and I still feel that way.
15:23 Dr. John Delony? Jane, your body is working perfectly.
15:27 Dr. John Delony? Perfectly. It has run this script before.
15:32 Dr. John Delony? And by the way, never beat yourself up for a THC gummy. They may have saved your life. It's not a good long-term strategy, but you, you did what you needed to do to survive. But I want you to look for trauma-informed counselor in your area.
15:48 Speaker 00 Okay.
15:48 Dr. John Delony? Okay. And on the first session, I want you to tell them, I've got gaps in my memory. I come from a very abusive household. And my father died by suicide right in front of all of us in a public spectacle. And my mom said, we weren't allowed to tell anybody or show anything because it was going to be unfair to other people.
16:11 Dr. John Delony? And then the next thing I want you to say is, I'm here because I want to learn to be comfortable and at peace in my own skin. Cause this stops with me.
16:23 Speaker 00 Exactly.
16:24 Dr. John Delony? And if a therapist is like, well, let's go through, you're feel free to say, hey, this isn't a good fit for me.
16:31 Speaker 00 Okay.
16:32 Dr. John Delony? Can I tell you this? I did not go through nearly the chaos that you've been through. I wouldn't even, I wouldn't even imagine to know what that was like. But I'll tell you, I've done a lot of trauma healing.
16:46 Dr. John Delony? And I don't have a diagnosis. My therapist didn't start there.
16:51 Speaker 00 I love that. I don't want to be put under a microscope in that way.
16:55 Dr. John Delony? Okay. And feel free to say that out loud. And if you're using insurance, they may say, we gotta put something down here so that they can get paid, which is fair. That's the, that's the world they're stuck in. And if you're able to pay with cash, then you can say, I'm going to pay with cash and I don't want a diagnostic written down. And they'll go, great.
17:15 Speaker 00 Okay, I will look into it.
17:18 Dr. John Delony? But that's gonna be the place you start. There will be time when you're gonna go back through some of this nonsense. But more importantly, you're gonna get some real-life tools for when I get angry. I'm gonna exhale.
17:35 Dr. John Delony? My anger's not wrong, my husband's still great, even though he keeps leaving those little stupid hairs in the sink when he shaves. And my baby's two, they're supposed to cry all night, they're supposed to have diarrhea on my dress as we're walking out the door. Like, they're two, and I'm gonna feel that anger, and then you're gonna learn some really important skills. And here's my promise to you, okay? My promise is, if you'll plug into the skillset, the practice of learning new things,
18:06 Dr. John Delony? over time, you will change your body's default setting. Where it will go from rage and lashing out
18:14 Dr. John Delony? to grace
18:18 Dr. John Delony? to annoyance. Okay?
18:22 Speaker 00 I hope, I hope I can get there.
18:24 Dr. John Delony? Look at, listen to me. I was gonna say, "Look at me," but you can't, because we're on the phone. Listen to me.
18:30 Dr. John Delony? I want you to change your language, starting today. I will get there. I'm going to get there. And it's gonna be like a roller coaster, it's gonna be ups and downs, and if you're keeping a scorecard on yourself, you're always gonna see the negative things. Why? Because your whole life, the people who are supposed to love you only looked at the negative things.
18:52 Speaker 00 Yeah.
18:53 Dr. John Delony? You are gonna have to outsource some of that to your husband, to a counselor, to a couple of girlfriends in your local area that are just good friends that will have coffee with you. You're gonna have to practice safe relationships. Listen, the gates of hell are in front of you, this is not gonna be easy. But I'm telling you, on the other side of this, it will be worth it.
19:12 Speaker 00 I believe you, and I, I can barely see what it's gonna look like on the other side, but I'm excited.
19:17 Dr. John Delony? Awesome. Here's the last thing I'll tell you. When I put my head down on my pillow last night,
19:24 Dr. John Delony? guess how long it took me to fall asleep?
19:28 Speaker 00 Um, I
19:29 Dr. John Delony? Less than a minute.
19:31 Speaker 00 Really?
19:32 Dr. John Delony? And that's what I'm telling you. I promise your healing is on the other side of this.
19:36 Speaker 00 Wow. Yeah, it takes me like an hour and a half.
19:39 Dr. John Delony? I know, I know.
19:41 Dr. John Delony? Because closing your eyes isn't safe. The people who love you aren't safe. And that's your body working exactly as it was raised to act.
19:50 Speaker 00 Wow.
19:52 Speaker 00 Thank you.
19:54 Dr. John Delony? Cool.
19:55 Speaker 00 Cool.
19:56 Dr. John Delony? You absolutely lifted my spirits today. I love, love, love talking to brave, powerful people who are standing at the threshold of what's going to be a really tough journey, whether it's dealing with trauma, whether it's losing weight, whether it's dealing with whatever's in front of you and saying, "I am worth being well. I'm worth the hell it's gonna, gonna cost for peace for me and for everybody who comes after me."
20:27 Dr. John Delony? Jane, you call me anytime. It's been a high honor to get to talk to you and I'm super, super grateful for your vulnerability. You're awesome. When we come back, a woman asks how to tell her daughter that she doesn't know who her father is.
20:43 Dr. John Delony? If you're looking around at the culture and you're having a hard time knowing who to look up to, I get it. There's so much noise coming from so many different directions and it can be hard to know who to trust. It can be hard to know who to follow. But there are examples of people who can teach us and these folks have been inspiring us with their wisdom and their faith for centuries. These aren't influencers. These are real people from history. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about one of Hallow's biggest prayer challenges and it's back this month. It's called Saints in Seven Days. The saints we honor aren't just stained glass paintings on church windows. They were real, living people devoted to God no matter the cost. During this challenge, you're gonna learn how we can apply their faithfulness to our
21:28 Dr. John Delony? lives today. Saints in Seven Days also features Gwen Stefani teaching about Queen Esther, Michael Iskander from Amazon's hit series, House of Talking about King David and so many more. The saints aren't just stories from the past. They're real life examples for living with purpose, humility and genuine faith, especially during this time when it feels like the world has lost its mind. Join the Saints in Seven Days Prayer Challenge on Hallow today and you're going to get three months of Hallow for free at hallow.com/diloney. That's Hallow, H A L L O W dot com slash diloney.
22:07 Dr. John Delony? All right, we are back. Take two seconds and hit the subscribe button. Hit that subscribe button. It makes such a difference whether you're listening to us on podcast, watching us on the Youtubes, wherever you happen to be, or if you're just watching this clip on Instagram or wherever, hit the like and subscribe button. It just lifts everything in the show, doesn't cost any money and you're going to help out so many people around you. Let's go out to Taylor in Springfield, Massachusetts. Massachusetts, Taylor Springfield up north, up there ish by Boston. All right, what's up Taylor?
22:39 Speaker 02 Well, my question is, how do I have the conversation with my teen daughter? She's 15 about the fact that I have no idea who her father is.
22:54 Dr. John Delony? Oh, boy. Tell me about it.
23:00 Speaker 02 Long story short, I am a child of trauma. Both my parents were drug addicts, majority of my beginning life until about age 30.
23:12 Speaker 02 As such, I, you know, found validation and comfort in intimacy with lots of people. And I wasn't necessarily caring so much about safety or anything like that. And yeah, so I, so that's kind of how I was living my life. And I found out I was pregnant very traumatically as well. I was sick for a long time and couldn't figure out what I was sick from. And went to my doctor and he sent me to get a CT scan. And guess what they found on the CT?
23:53 Speaker 02 And it was very traumatic. The doctor comes rushing in like, hey, you don't have cancer, but you are well past your first trimester. And I started freaking out and everything and then went to an actual doctor to get everything checked out. And it turns out she was already six months pregnant. I mean, I was six months pregnant. She was already six months along.
24:15 Dr. John Delony? You, you got a CT scan before they gave you a pregnancy test?
24:20 Speaker 02 They, you know, my primary, I, I was continuing to have my periods. Um, it just really wasn't even something that was even on my radar. And my doctor just never, I did. And so, you know, I went back to him first and thought, he thought it was food poisoning. And then he thought it was a gas acid reflux and
24:42 Dr. John Delony? I think they've given me pregnancy tests at the ER before. I thought they just gave you every person who walks in a pregnancy test, but maybe just not in your world. Um, all right. So do you have, does your 15 year old know quote unquote, a dad? Is there a man in her life that she calls dad? Or have you been raising her as a single mom?
25:01 Speaker 02 I've been raising her as a single mom. She does have a male role model. I do have a son who now is 28. So she has had a positive male figure in her life, but not a dad. And they do not have any type of dad relationship at all.
25:18 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Um, tell me about your fear or what you're nervous about, or tell me why you're calling.
25:25 Speaker 02 I'm calling because I just don't even know what to say. I mean, first of all, I have so much shame.
25:35 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
25:36 Speaker 02 So much shame.
25:37 Dr. John Delony? Can I, can I interrupt you right here?
25:38 Speaker 02 Sure.
25:41 Dr. John Delony? That ends today.
25:44 Dr. John Delony? And let me tell you why. I'm hearing a girl, not a woman right now, I'm hearing a girl who survived.
25:52 Dr. John Delony? And if you could go back and talk to 12, 13, 14, 17, 19 year old you, you would grab that girl and hug her so tight.
26:03 Dr. John Delony? And say, I got you.
26:06 Dr. John Delony? And there was nobody there for you.
26:10 Dr. John Delony? So I'm going to say this politely, but not very politely. How dare you judge teenage you? That girl survived.
26:20 Dr. John Delony? And she survived in unhealthy ways, fair.
26:25 Dr. John Delony? But that shame, man, you made it.
26:31 Dr. John Delony? If I've got, if I've got shame on anybody, it's mom and dad. Who, by the way, had their own demons, right?
26:37 Speaker 02 Right.
26:39 Speaker 02 I mean, I've forgiven them. I've done the whole therapy thing.
26:46 Speaker 02 That's really hard because I was an adult and, and I knew what I was doing and I just, you know, it was about-
26:55 Dr. John Delony? And you survived.
26:55 Speaker 02 Self-medicating, basically, you know?
26:58 Dr. John Delony? Yes, yes. And what, what, what, what picture did you have in front of you?
27:06 Dr. John Delony? Drugs, alcohol, abuse. That's the roadmap you were handed for what to do when life feels really heavy and you feel disconnected from the people who are supposed to love you and give you connection the most.
27:20 Dr. John Delony? So, yes, you're an adult. Yes, you gotta be responsible for your actions. And by the way, you have been. You raised an amazing 15-year-old girl, right?
27:27 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:27 Dr. John Delony? You've been responsible.
27:31 Dr. John Delony? But I'm not gonna beat up a 24-year-old or a 22-year-old for listening to her screaming body saying, "I need somebody to connect with." And doing it in unhealthy ways because I didn't have unhealthy patterns. I didn't have any healthy patterns in front of me.
27:50 Dr. John Delony? Because, listen, if I'm you, I'm gonna sit down with my 15-year-old daughter and say, "I've gotta tell you about my life."
27:59 Dr. John Delony? And this is gonna be hard to hear, but it brings me to this moment. And your daughter's 15. She knows a lot and she feels a lot, right? I have a 15-year-old. They're way smarter than I was at 15.
28:18 Speaker 02 I just, I, I hear what you're saying, but it's hard to feel it because
28:24 Dr. John Delony? I know.
28:24 Speaker 02 she's just so, she's just so young. Like she's not even, like, I feel when I was 15, you know, I was so much further ahead in life than she was.
28:34 Dr. John Delony? You had to be. You had no adults.
28:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:39 Dr. John Delony? You had to be. You didn't know where your food was gonna come from. You didn't know what other strange guy was gonna come walking through your house.
28:47 Dr. John Delony? You grew up way too fast.
28:53 Dr. John Delony? And that's not something to be ashamed of.
28:56 Dr. John Delony? I'm, I'm, I'm telling you right now, I, I don't lie on this show. I'll be the first to say I screwed up. I'll be the first to say I don't know. I am hearing an incredibly brave and strong woman who had a whole bunch of other options other than, I'm gonna raise this young girl as my own. And you've scratched and clawed, and now you have what sounds like an amazing 15-year-old kid. Is that fair?
29:20 Speaker 02 That's fair. She is pretty amazing.
29:23 Dr. John Delony? Are you worried about her being sexually active?
29:26 Speaker 02 No, definitely not.
29:29 Dr. John Delony? You're worried the opposite? You're like, you need to hold hands with somebody? Yeah.
29:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, kind of the opposite. You know, she's, she's 15 and she's into anime and Yu-Gi-Oh! And, you know, that type of stuff, but, um...
29:43 Dr. John Delony? Has she asked you about her dad?
29:44 Speaker 02 I wanna say twice in her lifetime she's asked kinda a question. One time she asked, "Do I have a dad?" And I, basically, anytime she's asked a question, I'm just side, sidestepped it.
29:58 Dr. John Delony? Alright, and here's what she gets from that. She gets that mom doesn't think I can handle it.
30:05 Dr. John Delony? Mom's keeping secrets from me, so there must be something wrong with me.
30:11 Dr. John Delony? And by the way, when she's seven, that's two, that's a lot to handle. 15, you better believe it. It's, it's, it's past time.
30:23 Speaker 02 I've been kicking the can down the road.
30:24 Dr. John Delony? That's right.
30:25 Speaker 02 Because I just don't have, I don't have any answers to give her.
30:30 Dr. John Delony? Yes, you do. Yes, you do. You have the most important answer, which is, "I don't know." The truth. You have the truth.
30:40 Dr. John Delony? I don't know who he is.
30:44 Dr. John Delony? I made some choices that I'm not proud of in an effort to survive.
30:50 Dr. John Delony? And I have scratched and clawed to give you a life that I didn't have. And I think I'm doing a pretty good job. But here's the truth, I don't know who your dad is. I was with multiple people during that time. I'm not proud of it. If I could go back and change it, I would, but I wouldn't have you and I wouldn't change that.
31:12 Dr. John Delony? And I'll answer any question you got.
31:18 Dr. John Delony? But there's an opportunity that y'all walk away from this where your daughter's both curious about who her dad is. And by the way, she's gonna go, she's gonna get 23andMe, she's gonna go down every avenue, try to figure out who he is. And she's gonna have a sense that my mom is a thousand times stronger than I knew her to be. Which makes you way safer of a parent for her.
31:44 Speaker 02 I just don't want her to look at me differently, you know?
31:47 Dr. John Delony? I know.
31:50 Dr. John Delony? But honestly, that's you judging you, not her.
31:57 Dr. John Delony? And I would ask you, don't put your judgment of yourself onto your 15-year-old little girl.
32:07 Dr. John Delony? Because right now, she's judging herself, wondering what is so bad about me that mom won't even tell me who dad is?
32:15 Dr. John Delony? You get what I'm saying?
32:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:17 Dr. John Delony? This is how, it just repeats itself and it repeats itself.
32:26 Speaker 02 Oh God. The conversation's gonna be so hard.
32:30 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, and here's how I would recommend, I'd recommend you even write it out.
32:36 Dr. John Delony? Write it down and tell your daughter, you wanna read her a story?
32:43 Dr. John Delony? And be honest and say, "I have tried to shield you and protect you from this story because I'm scared about how you're gonna judge me. I don't want you to think evil and bad about grandma, about granddad. But I also think, in an effort to protect you and shield you from all of this, I've also made you feel a little bit crazy. Because 15-year-olds are real, real, real perceptive. They have to be. That's how they survive.
33:13 Dr. John Delony? And maybe you say, "I'm gonna read this out loud, and then I want us to go for a walk. And while we're going for a walk, I want you to think of all the questions you have. And then we're gonna circle back and we're gonna talk about it. By the way, this won't be a one-and-done thing. This will be you cracking open the door. Or blowing the door wide open, one of the two. And then letting her know, "I will answer any question you ever come to me with. I won't, not graphically, right? I'm not gonna go into graphic detail. But I'll answer any question you got."
33:51 Dr. John Delony? And here's how she's gonna look at you. Sure, she may be... She's 15, for God's sakes, right? There's a reason we don't let 15-year-olds buy beer. Who knows how they're gonna react? But ultimately, the meta lesson here, over time, will be, "My mom has seen everything, so there's nothing I'm gonna run into in the world that she hasn't been through herself. My mother always tells me the truth. And so when you say, 'I'm worried about how she's gonna look at me,' I want you to consider she might look at you as the single safest person she's ever known."
34:29 Speaker 02 God, that sounds so hard to live up to.
34:32 Dr. John Delony? I know, I know. I know. But the shame ends with this call. Not beaten up, surviving me anymore.
34:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, I have to forgive myself, but it's really hard to do that.
34:52 Dr. John Delony? None of this will be easy. All of this will happen in time. You have a choice as to whether you participate in what happens next or not. But I've dealt with a lot of 18-year-olds who walked out of mom and dad's house and never went back because it wasn't a safe place to go, wasn't a trustworthy place to go, and I don't want that to be your story too. Thank you so much for the call, sister. Go do the next right thing, and it's gonna be tough. Go do it anyway. When we come back, there's a man struggling with the stresses of medical school. We'll be right back. I love, love, love Poncho shirts. I'm wearing one right now.
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36:49 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's go out to welcome to Miami and talk to Matt. What's up, Matt?
36:54 Speaker 03 Hey, Dr. John. How you doing? It's so cool to talk to you.
36:58 Dr. John Delony? I'm good, man. How are you?
37:00 Speaker 03 I'm good. A little nervous, but I really appreciate you having me. Thank you.
37:04 Dr. John Delony? Absolutely, man. What's up?
37:06 Speaker 03 Um, so, uh, I'm in my second year of medical school. And it's, it's probably not, it's not the most stressful time of my life ever, but it's getting up there.
37:17 Dr. John Delony? It's pretty close, man.
37:19 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's, it's, it's really, it's brutal. I mean, I, I love it, but it's just very stressful and, um,
37:26 Speaker 03 uh, I don't, it, it's more of a consistent stress and like more consistent in my life than I've ever had before. Like, like, I mean, over like a long period of time, like it's been going on for over a year now. And, um, I'm finding myself just falling into like these horrible habits that I've had for a long time, but they're, they're really manifesting now because of such the, because it's been so chronic. And, um, I'm just wondering how I can, uh, break this cycle of, uh, of this, of these habits and develop better coping strategies, I guess, for dealing with the stress.
38:00 Dr. John Delony? That's a great question, dude. Tell me about the stresses you're feeling. Where are they coming from and what are they?
38:08 Speaker 03 Um, well, of course, classes. I mean, you know, you gotta do hundreds of lectures for like, you know, one exam. And it's just, uh, I'm worried I'm not going to get it done in time or do well or pass or.
38:21 Dr. John Delony? Have you ever not got it done?
38:24 Speaker 03 Um.
38:25 Dr. John Delony? Ever?
38:26 Speaker 03 I mean, yeah, I've, I've failed before, but, but I've made it here, you know?
38:31 Dr. John Delony? You're still in med school. So whose voice is that?
38:35 Speaker 03 Um, yeah, I don't know. It's just, it's just me.
38:39 Dr. John Delony? Is it dad's voice?
38:41 Speaker 03 Hmm. No, I mean, I don't think so. I, I've been asked that question many times in, in my interviews and stuff. Cause, cause he's in the medical field as well. And, you know, people think that I just went into this field because of him. And I mean, of course he was an influence, but really I do really want to do this. Um, but it's, uh, I, I, yeah, I, I'm not really sure that it is. I guess it's, it's myself hating myself.
39:08 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
39:10 Speaker 03 I guess because of the habits, because of what I'm doing, you know, they're...
39:15 Dr. John Delony? What are these habits that are worth hating yourself over?
39:21 Speaker 03 Well, the one that bothers me the most is pornography use.
39:24 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
39:27 Speaker 03 It makes me feel disgusted with myself and I just can't get over that. Another major one is I rip my hair out when I'm... Like, sometimes I don't even know that I'm doing it while I'm studying.
39:43 Dr. John Delony? And what's the clinical name for that?
39:45 Speaker 03 Trico... Trico-something mania. Trico mania, I forget.
39:51 Dr. John Delony? I'm not even gonna give it to you. I want you to go look it up.
39:53 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'll do my research.
39:56 Dr. John Delony? So you've got two coping behaviors that you don't like. One is considered some form of self-harm.
40:05 Dr. John Delony? The other is a fake sense of connection. Or a fake sense of aliveness, if you will.
40:16 Dr. John Delony? And so my deeper question is, why does my friend Matt, a second-year med student,
40:24 Dr. John Delony? why does he not like being in his own skin?
40:31 Dr. John Delony? Why are you trying to escape from Matt?
40:36 Speaker 03 I don't know. It's...
40:39 Speaker 03 I've always been a procrastinator. I mean, I always just...
40:43 Speaker 03 I just see anything that stresses me. It's not just med school. I mean, any stress.
40:47 Dr. John Delony? I know. That's actually what I'm getting at. I know. I know this is not... Medical school is the gas that's getting poured on an already-existing fire.
40:55 Speaker 03 Yeah.
40:56 Dr. John Delony? And so I'm trying to get to the root of the fire. Who lit that fire?
41:02 Speaker 03 I don't know. I'm not sure.
41:05 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
41:06 Speaker 03 It's been, I guess it's been like that for a long time.
41:11 Dr. John Delony? Have you sat down and talked to your dad about it?
41:14 Speaker 03 About my stresses?
41:16 Dr. John Delony? About your pulling out your hair when you get stressed without even realizing it? With about your pornography use, about your feeling like you don't want to be in your own skin?
41:26 Speaker 03 I haven't talked to really anybody about it.
41:29 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
41:31 Speaker 03 And yeah, that's probably part of the problem.
41:33 Dr. John Delony? I would say that's the chief problem because here's why. Secrets will kill you, literally.
41:42 Speaker 03 Yeah.
41:42 Dr. John Delony? Think of, think of all of these extrinsic behaviors, these actions that you're doing. Think of those as teeny tiny release valves on a steam, on a steam engine.
41:55 Dr. John Delony? The pressure builds up so much.
42:00 Dr. John Delony? And if there's not a place for where it is regularly released, it will explode.
42:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
42:11 Speaker 03 Yeah, I should probably talk to somebody about it, I guess. Yeah, I don't even talk to my friends about it or anything.
42:18 Dr. John Delony? And can I tell you, I spent my whole career sitting with guys just like you. And it's rare that I am as concerned about somebody as I am of you. Because you're getting close to the edge, aren't you?
42:32 Speaker 03 I mean, I'm hanging in there. There's been worse times.
42:35 Dr. John Delony? That's not what I asked. You're getting close, aren't you?
42:39 Speaker 03 Uh, I mean.
42:43 Speaker 03 No, I don't know. I don't know.
42:47 Speaker 03 I get, I'm okay right now, but I just, I'm just worried that the, I know it's gonna, this is only the second year, you know, it's gonna get more stressful than this and.
42:58 Speaker 03 You know, I don't want it, like, it's hard to see how it could be tougher than this and I can't imagine, and I just want to fix this now before things get worse.
43:08 Dr. John Delony? So let me reframe your statement, okay? I don't think you're broken.
43:15 Speaker 03 Yes.
43:17 Dr. John Delony? I think you're not well, but I don't think you're broken.
43:24 Speaker 03 I don't think so either, but.
43:26 Dr. John Delony? Okay. You have some strange cocktail of shame and silence and performance and duty
43:37 Dr. John Delony? wound so deeply inside your chest that it is desperately trying to get out.
43:44 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's for sure.
43:49 Dr. John Delony? And I'm gonna tell you right now, it will make its way out. And always the best way is sitting down and you controlling the release.
43:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:00 Dr. John Delony? There's a, in here in Nashville, there's a big lake called Percy Priest. It's a manmade lake. And at regular intervals, they sound these huge alarms. And then they raise the dam and they release a whole bunch of water.
44:18 Dr. John Delony? They do it under control at regular intervals and they let everybody know it's coming. If they didn't do that, there would come a point when the dam breaks.
44:30 Dr. John Delony? And it blows up the dam, blows up the lake, and everybody downstream suffers the consequences.
44:39 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's definitely true, cuz you know, when I, if I start ripping my hair out or watching pornography again, then I start getting mad at myself and it makes me mad at everyone around me, anybody I'm around, then I don't even know why I'm mad at them.
44:54 Dr. John Delony? But then they, then they withdraw and then you white knuckle it and then it comes back stronger and you do it again.
45:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:02 Dr. John Delony? Right?
45:03 Speaker 03 Yeah, especially when it's about to be an exam or something and you know, I have to be alone to study and it's just, it's just like a never ending cycle.
45:13 Dr. John Delony? That's right. So here's an amazing situation you find yourself in.
45:20 Dr. John Delony? At your medical school, I promise you, and I know this because I've sat with these folks. There are professionals who are trained for just this moment, and I promise you, there are other students sitting by you in class that you don't even know, who are going through the exact same thing. Sure, yeah. And so, and with your insane tuition that you pay, you also pay for counseling and medical resources. Yeah. You also have a dad who's in the medical profession. What's your dad do? What's his specialty? He's an obstetrician. Okay. Is he a safe, trustworthy guy?
46:06 Dr. John Delony? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's great. How does he handle his emotions? Is he open about them? No. Okay. Never, doesn't talk about them. Okay. So I don't know. So you don't know. So what I want you to hear, what you just said, is you've created an image that my dad is great, and that he handles all this stuff with grace, and that he's just the perfect picture, but it's kind of like he's a living Instagram reel
46:33 Dr. John Delony? of one of those fitness influencers that just takes their shirt off and they got all these abs, and they're like, "Follow my seven-step plan for abs." Yeah. You actually don't know how he's doing at all.
46:45 Dr. John Delony? I know. I guess I really don't. And so if he's a safe person,
46:51 Dr. John Delony? it'd be a pretty awesome thing if you could say, "Dad, I want to take you out to breakfast. I'm not doing okay."
46:58 Dr. John Delony? But if you lead with, "I'm in my second year and it's just getting really hard," he's going to give you the same speech that all physicians give, which is, "Yep, that's a tough one, man. You just gotta buckle down." They're gonna, that's what he's gonna tell you, right? That's literally what they all say. Of course. If you say, "Dad, obviously I'm struggling in second-year medical school, I know,
47:20 Dr. John Delony? but I've found that I hate myself.
47:24 Dr. John Delony? And I'm pulling out clumps of hair, I'm struggling with pornography, I'm not okay, and you're the safest guy I know to talk to."
47:36 Dr. John Delony? If you do that level of vulnerability with him,
47:40 Dr. John Delony? there's two things that can happen. He can have a tear come out of his eye and reach across that table and grab your hand and say, "Brother, I've been there."
47:50 Dr. John Delony? Or he can say, "Well, you're gonna have to suck it up." And if he does that,
47:57 Dr. John Delony? that means he's not ready, not you. Yeah, I don't think he would do that. He would do the first one.
48:06 Dr. John Delony? So give him the chance.
48:10 Dr. John Delony? Okay. "I've got a whole bunch of graduate school and tons and tons of experience."
48:17 Dr. John Delony? Man, if for nothing else, I can help my wife and my kids and my close friends and family have a little bit better lives. It's way more important to me than strangers.
48:29 Dr. John Delony? Okay?
48:33 Dr. John Delony? Do I have your promise you'll do that before this week is over?
48:37 Dr. John Delony? Yes, talk to him? Yep. Are you all in the same community?
48:42 Dr. John Delony? I can, I was gonna see him this weekend, so yeah. Okay, give him a heads up and say, "Dad, I need to talk to you privately for a couple of hours this weekend. Can I take you to coffee or to breakfast?"
48:57 Dr. John Delony? Okay, yeah. Okay? Yeah. And here's the second thing. Before today is over, I want you to have made an appointment with your counseling center at your university, okay?
49:11 Dr. John Delony? Make me two promises. Will you make me two promises?
49:15 Dr. John Delony? I can do that. I'll tell the entire truth?
49:19 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, well, always. To a therapist? And number two?
49:27 Dr. John Delony? I will continue to understand I'm not broken. There's not something wrong with me. I'm just struggling right now.
49:35 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:36 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
49:39 Speaker 03 I can do that.
49:40 Dr. John Delony? I feel like you're going back to solve it, Matt, on me.
49:44 Speaker 03 Say that again?
49:45 Dr. John Delony? I feel like you're going back to, alright, I'm just gonna solve it. I'm gonna put it in my list and I'm gonna put it in my day planner and I'm just gonna crush it and drag it and go... I don't want you to do that one. I want you to actually feel this one.
49:57 Speaker 03 No, I definitely feel it. I just...
50:03 Dr. John Delony? This is you, Matt. This is you surrendering.
50:08 Dr. John Delony? What I'm doing's not working and I wanna be a physician. I'm not doing this just because my dad did. I wanna do this and I've gotta learn some new skills. That's cool.
50:17 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's another thing too. I can't, I just, how can I be a physician if I'm feeling this way? You know, I can't help other people if I'm like this.
50:24 Dr. John Delony? Well, number one, I promise you...
50:26 Speaker 03 I'm gonna try to get help myself.
50:27 Dr. John Delony? I wouldn't have a job if physicians and attorneys and other folks didn't get all the way through without dealing with their own stuff. That's how I got started in this world, okay? And, and, I don't want that life for you.
50:42 Dr. John Delony? The practice of medicine is crazy enough with all the regulations and boards and insurance. It's hard enough just to love and care for a patient.
50:52 Dr. John Delony? But that starts with you saying, "I'm worth being loved myself." Okay? So hear me say, brother, I'm worried about you.
51:01 Dr. John Delony? And I want you to make that call today to your counseling center, get on the books. Hopefully they'll get you in by next week. It's early enough in the semester that maybe they can get you in this week before the weekend's over.
51:13 Dr. John Delony? And then I want you to let your dad know, "Hey, I wanna talk for a couple hours in a private conversation that we've never had before and it's probably gonna be good for you because it's gonna feel nervous and embarrassing and big. Write it all down and tell your dad I gotta read this to you because that's the best way I could just be completely honest with you."
51:33 Dr. John Delony? And make sure you tell him, "I don't need a year or two lecture on just suck it up. I'm not okay. I'm starting to hate myself. And I got into this to help other people have better lives and feel good. And I decided I'm worth that too. Can you help me, Dad?" And remember this, if he doesn't respond in a helpful or healing way, that's because he's got stuff. It's not because there's something wrong with you. You'll walk away knowing, "Okay, he's not gonna be my person. I'm gonna double down on my school resources and I'm gonna go from there." I'm really honored that you called me, Matt.
52:14 Dr. John Delony? And I can't tell you, I can't count the number of young med students and law students and nursing students and theology students, folks whose whole lives are dedicated to helping other people who have been in the exact same boat you're in. You're not alone, my brother. You've got work to do. You've got to learn some new strategies. Pornography, it's a terrible mistress. Pulling your hair out is not a healthy coping strategy. But I promise you can get there. It's gonna take some work, but you can get there. In a couple of years, I want you to send me your graduation announcement, because I think you're gonna do a great, great job. Few physicians will be as compassionate as you are when somebody who's hurting walks in their front door.
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54:23 Dr. John Delony? Thorne.com/theletteru/daloni to get the supplements that your body was meant to have. All right, Kelly, something great happened. What happened?
54:37 Speaker 04 So this caller asked to remain anonymous, so we are going to call her Sarah. And she writes, "I started listening to Dr. Deloni's podcast in late 2022. I binged the podcast until I was completely caught up and still listened to every episode as soon as it drops. When I started listening, I started to understand how scary and dangerous my relationship was. The part of the ups and downs of a relationship should not include cheating, abuse, and loneliness. I started to really see my 19-year marriage for what it was, not what it could be. I started taking the next right step. I almost did not make it out, but I did. I'm a year post-divorce and living a life I never knew I could have.
55:18 Speaker 04 I know divorce is not something to typically celebrate, however, in my case, it might have saved my life. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for helping me understand that the next right step might be hard, but worth it."
55:31 Dr. John Delony? Amen, amen, amen. I'm proud of you, Sarah. And for everybody out there, this was a difficult show for everybody out there who's looking in the mirror saying, "I can't keep doing life like I'm doing right now, and the pain of change is going to be tremendous." Remember Sarah's words. You can't even imagine the peace on the other side. And it is hard, hard. And it's worth every step. Love you, guys. It's an honor to walk with you. See you soon.
Previous My Husband Is Taking Creepy Photos of Me Next I Regret Divorcing My Wife Page updated November 1, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated