Pod Insights The Psychology of your 20s 283. The psychology of 'only child' syndrome About this episode We've all heard the stereotypes about only children - they're selfish, they're dominating, they're arrogant, they are spoiled. Well, it turns out that might not be accurate. In today's episode we break down the intricate psychology of the only child and do a quick review of birth order theory, including:
Where did our stereotypes about only children come from Are only children smarter? What makes them such perfectionist? Who do only children date? What should only children do for work? The complex child-parent relationship + the struggles of being an only child This was such a fascinating episode, I hope you enjoy and happy listening!
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1:48 Jemma Sbeg? These days, there are more people than ever telling you how to manage your health. Your social media feed is packed with wellness trends telling you to cold plunge, protein max and so much more. But what's actually real? What's exaggerated? What's just wrong? Health versus hype from the American Medical Association breaks it all down.
2:10 Jemma Sbeg? Host Trace Dominguez talks to health influencers, real people, and most importantly, doctors to separate fact from fiction. Because when it comes to your health, who you listen to really matters. Listen to Health vs. Hype wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of our twenties. Today, we have finally arrived at the lucky last in our birth order series. If you've been tuned in for a while, over the
2:52 Jemma Sbeg? last six months, I would say we've done like a dedicated episode for every sibling in the family. So eldest, middle, youngest. And in my last birth order episode, I said the youngest child would be the last episode we would do. And boy, oh, boy, did I hear your outrage. I heard and got so many DMs from you all and emails demanding that I do an episode on the youngest child. And my friends, I'm so sorry that I forgot about you, but I have listened and I got my research into gear to deliver you the episode you all wanted so much. So for all of you who messaged me asking for this, I promise I did not forget, the only
3:37 Jemma Sbeg? child is just so special that they needed their own dedicated week and dedicated episode. And here it is. This is it. With the amount of families, I think, choosing to have only one child in this day and age, honestly, we need to talk about it more, right? Because the research is getting more and more interesting by the day, and more subjects are becoming available, and only children are becoming so much more common. We've also had an entire country where they basically did an experiment on only children, as in like, you think about China's one child policy, they were like this perfect experimental condition where so many people obviously only had one child. And it's this rare opportunity to really see how this experience of growing up.
4:23 Jemma Sbeg? You know, as the only child, as the only child in the family normally with the full attention of your two parents does impact your personality. I also wanna discuss some of the stereotypes about only children, the longstanding stereotypes, and how they are actually deeply incorrect and why they have come to be. We're also going to discuss only child and parent dynamics, the pressure of needing to take care of your parents as you get older, parentification, also the different kinds of situations that may also impact the only child experience. So being the only child in a single person household, being the only child but having
5:08 Jemma Sbeg? step siblings, having lots of cousins, there's so many ways this can go. We're going to hopefully tackle every single one of them. You know, I don't like to ramble too much at the beginning of these birth order episodes because I always end up spoiling some of the best parts in like the first five minutes. So I'm not going to do that here. I'm going to let the psychology and the research speak for itself. So without further ado, let's break down the unique and fascinating psychology of only children.
5:42 Jemma Sbeg? So let's do a quick recap of birth order theory, the argument for it, but also against it. If you are a loyal listener and you have kept up to date with the whole series, firstly, thank you so much. But secondly, this might sound just a wee bit repetitive because we have spoken about it a little bit. Feel free to jump ahead like five to seven minutes to where we get into the juicy stuff. But for those of you who don't know what birth order theory is, basically, it is a major theory on human personality. Now, personality, we typically think of it as being shaped by two things, nature and nurture.
6:21 Jemma Sbeg? So we are obviously a product of genetics, but we are also a product of parenting style and food and country of birth and so many things. But essentially, all the things that scientists and researchers believe impact our personality can either be from our environment or from our nature. So our genetic blueprint, who we were born to be. Now, the position we are born into in a family and whether we have siblings or not, that is part of our environment and it falls into the nurture category. It influences our personality because of how it impacts how we are raised and experience the world as children, which leaves an impression and impact that carries on into adulthood.
7:07 Jemma Sbeg? The thing that really defines the only child experience is that they don't obviously have siblings. It's their, I guess, solitude, isolation, um, their singularity. That is the thing that is the kind of point of fascination for a lot of researchers. It is just them. And so our examination of what might influence the personality of an only child comes down to the absence of siblings rather than the presence of siblings as it does for eldest, middle and youngest children. So back to this theory, the man who developed birth order theory was a man named Alfred Adler.
7:47 Jemma Sbeg? And he was known for a lot of things in his time. You may have heard of him because of the inferiority complex. That's one of the other famous ones. He was very busy during the mid nineteen hundreds, but birth order theory is probably what he's most well known for. And again, it basically says that being the oldest, youngest, middle or only child will affect what characteristics and traits you develop over time, both when you are a child, when you're a teenager and as an adult. Let's be very, very clear. Birth order theory is not a medical prescription. It is not going to offer you any kind of psychological diagnosis.
8:28 Jemma Sbeg? It is a theory and a theory with gaps at that, with exceptions, with flaws, like any other theory. And, you know, large scientific studies on this theory are really difficult to conduct. One did take place in two thousand and fifteen and it did find that it's very hard to get a diverse enough amount of people or to get enough people who want to participate to really sometimes draw conclusions. And so we do need to be careful about pigeonholing people purely based on the position in the family they were born in and whether or not they have siblings. I think that's worth noting at the top of the episode, you're going to hear a lot of ideas today.
9:13 Jemma Sbeg? They are not strict ideas. They do not determine exactly the person you are. In my mind, discussing birth order theory really fills the same role as talking about personality tests. They're really fun, they're useful, and they do provide a structure or guide for better understanding where we sit in relation to others. And they do help us better understand the traits within ourselves and the things that we may not have considered about the way we are. But taking a personality test and then saying, well, that's everything I'm ever going to be is not the healthiest thing. Neither is listening to an episode like this and saying, okay, well, I'm an only child, so this is my destiny.
9:54 Jemma Sbeg? I always want to be somewhat cautious when discussing birth order theory because it does exist in a much larger ecosystem of factors, ideas, events, situations that impact why we are the way we are. In my personal experience, though, I am the eldest child, I'm the eldest daughter. And I have found that a lot of what people say about me as an oldest child does really apply. And a lot of what people say about my middle sister and my younger sister also really apply. So anecdotally, I do tend to believe some of the theory's propositions. But let's now turn to the star of the show, the only child.
10:36 Jemma Sbeg? Let's start by talking about the stereotypes of what pop culture would have to say about only children and how they're routinely depicted. The portrayed or expected traits of an only child that you might commonly hear about are typically based on the fact that they are the only child in the house. Because of their family dynamic or structure, only children typically spend, A, more time alone. And second to that, B, more time in the company of adults compared to someone with siblings. Because they are their parents' only child, we also expect that they get more attention.
11:16 Jemma Sbeg? You know, someone with two or three or four siblings will rarely have the undivided attention. Of both parents for very long, but for an only child, that might be quite typical. It has a lot of upsides. It also has some downsides, which we'll talk about later. It's not just the time commitment. It's also money, care, resources, presents. All of those things kind of lead people to think of only children as quite spoilt. They're quite spoilt. They're a little bit diva-ish. Um, that's kind of the profile that we typically think of.
11:58 Jemma Sbeg? I honestly think that's kind of funny, like, you know, having more love from your parents is somehow a bad thing and like makes you spoilt. Like, I don't see how exactly that like makes sense. Like, oh, you have more love, like, fuck you, like, what's your problem? You know what I mean? But that's sometimes what people tend to think. And, you know, in comparison to someone with siblings, people might call that overindulged. People have really suggested that this is particularly evident, this overindulged spoilt nature, when these children are around other kids, because they haven't learned how to share, they haven't learned how to compromise. They're used to getting what they want. That's the general profile of the only child.
12:42 Jemma Sbeg? Let's myth bust this assumption for a second, because it turns out this actually has no scientific basis. This has no basis. Only children are not more spoiled. They're not more stuck up. This stereotype in theory or myth actually dates back to propaganda used during an era in the U S and in Europe, where birth rates were declining after World War Two. Population growth was stagnant or had fallen. And these governments needed to convince people to have as many babies as possible. Now, they did this in a few ways, and one way that they did do it was by essentially
13:25 Jemma Sbeg? creating this idea or promoting this research that if you only have one child, your child is going to end up jealous, selfish. Dominating other people, very jealous, they're going to end up as someone who doesn't know how to behave. And, you know, back then manners were literally everything. And so that did kind of scare people into thinking, well, am I really giving my child a good life if I'm not giving them a sibling? Where did they even get this idea from? Well, according to the American Psychological Association, it came from a paper from the end of the eighteen hundreds, I think eighteen ninety eight, titled A Study of Peculiar and Exceptional Children.
14:11 Jemma Sbeg? And this study was based on the observations of a psychiatrist at the time, who saw a bunch of kids and reported that more and more he only saw only children. The majority of his clients were only children. And he concluded that, you know, given so many of these only children needed to see him, they must be particularly at risk of what we would nowadays, what was then called neuroticism, what we would now call poor mental health or mental illness. So that's what he kind of drew from his shallow observations of the fifty to seventy clients that he saw. Now, for my psychology students, you are probably seeing some huge problems with this study,
14:55 Jemma Sbeg? because this is a great example of what happens when you don't control for your extraneous and confounding variables, and you don't have a proper randomized sample. This man was basing all of his conclusions only on what he saw at his very small practice. And it turns out there was a much more plausible explanation for why this trend had emerged, why he was seeing so many only children. It wasn't because kids without siblings were more troubled or maladjusted. It was simply because their parents were highly vigilant. All of their focus was on this kid.
15:35 Jemma Sbeg? And if they saw something they couldn't understand or had trouble dealing with, they sought help to try and comprehend it. You know, if you have four, five, seven children, that's so much harder to do. It's so much harder to just notice small moments of unhappiness or small quirks that you think need addressing. A lot of that gets lost in the noise and the busyness. Actually, this is the truth. Only children tend to have more advanced lingual and reasoning skills and do better on IQ tests early in life because of the gift of their parents' full attention. This can also sometimes be actually overwhelming for them because there's a lot of pressure to succeed and to do well,
16:19 Jemma Sbeg? which we will obviously get to a little bit later on. But essentially, there is no correlation between being an only child and our level of entitlement or anything like that. In fact, to give you further evidence of this, a study was conducted at the University of Alabama a little while ago. And this, the researchers got almost nine thousand college students and administered what we call a measure of narcissism or a measure, sorry, or a narcissism test. So basically, they had all these students and they said, we're going to give you a couple of quizzes, I guess, one of which was a narcissism test. And there was no difference in performance on that test
17:01 Jemma Sbeg? who was labelled a narcissist between people who grew up as an only child versus people who grew up with siblings. Similarly, a nineteen eighty-seven qualitative review of a hundred and forty-one studies on sixteen different personality traits also failed to support the opinion that only children are more maladjusted, spoiled, entitled, and need more pampering. There was no evidence, no evidence of that at all. So what do we know about the personalities of only children now that we've gotten over those myths? Well, first off, we know that only children are typically more emotionally and socially sensitive and mature.
17:45 Jemma Sbeg? If you spend most of your time with adults growing up, you mimic their behaviour and learn social cues from them the way that you otherwise would have mimicked the behaviour of siblings or other children. So only children learn very early on how to get along with adults. They have more advanced social skills. And that is a huge advantage as they grow up and they become teenagers and twenty somethings and adults. Because their social sensitivity for getting along in the adult world is typically more well developed. Sometimes that can actually make it harder for them to make friends with people their own age. Or to date people their own age.
18:28 Jemma Sbeg? Or to just feel like a kid and really sink deeply into the age and phase they are at. You know, you might be eighteen, nineteen, twenty one, and everyone's going out and getting drunk. And you might not feel like you're made for that. Because you've had this advanced sense of maturity for so long. Only children are also typically perfectionists, very similar to eldest children. Actually, eldest and only children share a lot of similar traits and experiences. Which is why I think I get only children so deeply. Because, you know, an eldest child has at some stage been the only child before their siblings came along and made them the eldest.
19:11 Jemma Sbeg? So our early experiences are probably very similar. And the only child and eldest child typically do both find that they they face extreme pressure from their parents to be successful. Uh, because a lot of their hopes and dreams ride on them. They might face a greater academic pressure, greater um, physical pressure, all these kinds of things. Your parents, I guess the reason why this happens is because your parents and I hate to use this phrase, but it does come easiest. If you're an only child, they don't have a backup. And so all their ambitions are concentrated in you.
19:51 Jemma Sbeg? It's only natural, you know, even parents who don't say it out loud, still secretly want their child to succeed. Not just for their child's sake, but also so they can kind of say, hey, look at that. Here's proof that I was a good parent, that I did a good job because my child has succeeded. Normally, that is diffused over a couple of children. And if you don't have any other siblings, it means that it's all going to be concentrated on you. And that is a whole lot of pressure that translates to very high personal expectations, which I'm sure I don't have to tell you twice. In fact, the same study from nineteen eighty seven that disproved the spoilt brat myth about only children
20:36 Jemma Sbeg? did find that they do possess higher achievement-related motivation and higher levels of perfectionism. That can be very difficult to manage, and it's not just that our parents are putting pressure on us, but that eventually we do begin to put pressure on ourselves and feel like output and whatever we produce, achievements, is all we are worth. Here's some slightly better news, though. Only children are actually more content with their own company, so that's great. In a day and age when, you know, a lot of people are saying we're experiencing a loneliness epidemic, being able to enjoy your own company and space is one hundred percent an asset.
21:19 Jemma Sbeg? There was a really fascinating study I actually discovered in researching this episode that only children are actually more likely to have imaginary friends when they're younger to entertain themselves. And as we grow up, the parts of us that can imagine things to keep us busy and entertained and happy, they don't go away, so we can become quite creative. Actually, if you are an only child, please let me know. Tell me if you had. Any imaginary friends growing up and like what their names were so you can help me confirm some of these findings, you know, I love hearing about this from people because kids are seriously, they have the craziest imaginations.
22:02 Jemma Sbeg? When I was a kid before my sisters were born and I was an only child for five years, I did have an imaginary friend called Ozlan, who was a lion and he lived in this land I had created and he would come from that land and like sleep in my closet when I was going to sleep and take care of me. I have such vivid memories, memories of him like, and I say memories, right? Like, it's not like we made these memories. Such vivid visions of this character, sometimes it feels like a movie. So if you can relate and you had an imaginary friend growing up, drop their name in the comment below. Tell us about this imaginary friend. Let their like legend live on in our minds as well.
22:44 Jemma Sbeg? Only children, if you hadn't already guessed it as well, are quite creative because of this and quite independent. In fact, most only children will say they prefer to complete tasks alone. One downside of this is that sometimes they can struggle with joint decision making, not because they are bossy or arrogant, no, but because they just haven't had to do it so much growing up. They can find it hard to compromise and by finding it hard to compromise, I mean they can either give way too much or give in too little. A struggle with shared decision making or joint decision making
23:27 Jemma Sbeg? could impact some people's long-term relationships. Now I'm going to talk about this next study for a second. Please take it with a grain of salt. Remember what we said at the top of the episode. This is not destiny. But a study using data from more than fifty seven thousand people collected by the University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center between, I think it was like forty years or like the seventies and the two thousand and tens. They did find that only children were slightly more likely to get divorced than people with siblings. And they attributed it to difficulty with shared decision making.
24:07 Jemma Sbeg? So what they found in this study or their research was that each additional sibling is associated with a three percent drop in the chance of divorce. Sounds very significant, but people with lots of siblings are also less likely to get married. I'll also say this is from fifty seven thousand people. That does sound like a lot of people, but that is over forty thousand years and it's aggregated. And it's not a prescription to you and you only, because within that group, there were also a lot of only children whose marriages were absolutely incredible. So it is limited and it's just data. It tells a story, but not necessarily your story.
24:52 Jemma Sbeg? So with all of this in mind, if we put all these findings together and then dig even deeper, what does being an only child predict? Or maybe tell us about ourselves from dating to careers to parent child relationships? And what do we struggle with? We're going to go on a tiny little break here, but when we return, we have so much more to uncover and discuss. So please stay with us.
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29:28 Jemma Sbeg? So a big part of birth order theory's appeal is that some people claim it can predict aspects of your life, like what kind of person you should date, who you'd be happiest with, what job you'd be happiest in. I'm not 100% convinced because there are always exceptions, but some of the predictions made by birth order theory are actually scarily accurate. So let's talk about what it says about only children. When it comes to dating as an only child, and we've mentioned this a few times in this episode, eldest children and only children typically are after similar things. And often what they are after is what is opposite to them.
30:12 Jemma Sbeg? So there's very much a strong opposites attract model going on in birth order theory. So the theory goes that only children gravitate towards lastborns, specifically if you're a woman who likes men, youngest sons, or if you're a man who likes women, you kind of get the picture, youngest children. Where eldest and only children can be quite mature, responsible. We're perfectionists, we're productive, we seek out balance. And we're very level headed and mature. That is sometimes complemented by someone who is easygoing, who is lively, who is less neurotic, who is lighthearted, like a lastborn.
30:57 Jemma Sbeg? According to this really fabulous article by Dr. Jennifer Hartstein. She's a specialist in psychotherapy for children, adolescents and families. Only children are very sensible and conscientious. So they typically like to take charge in the relationship. But the adventurous nature of the lastborn and the spontaneity means that they do balance each other out. Who do only children clash with in dating? Well, are the firstborns or only children are the eldest children. Because you're kind of putting these two opinionated, self-directed people together. And sometimes they forget that it's important to work together because
31:39 Jemma Sbeg? they are so used to being independent and wanting to do things themselves or take charge. It's difficult to have two people like that in a relationship. Please keep in mind, any two people can be compatible. And if you are currently dating someone who is not a youngest child and you are an only child, do not go and break up with them. If you found love, you found love. It doesn't really matter where someone is in the family. If it works for you, it works for you because personality and relationships and intimacy and love in general are influenced by so many things. But it is really interesting to see if this applies to you, who it applies to. And how we are continuously seeing these repeated relationship patterns
32:23 Jemma Sbeg? between only children and certain other members or birth order types. Okay, let's shift gears. Let's talk about Korea. You know, if we care about love the most, we definitely care about Korea almost equally, if not second. If you are an only child, let's talk about the profile we have of you so far. You are probably very intellectual and intelligent. You are a high achiever. You're very logical, you take control, you're motivated, maybe you're a little bit of a lone wolf. With that in mind, the potentially well-suited careers for only children as given by birth order theory include professions that require intellectual stimulation, strong analytical skills,
33:08 Jemma Sbeg? or a path to success. So law, medicine or healthcare, science, engineering, technology, or business management, finance, all of these involve strategic thinking, all of them involve a lot of analytical work and focus, and there is a path to, of course, success. Thinking about the only children I know in my own life, personally, almost all of them work in finance and law. Like, of course, that is anecdotal, but in terms of this career stereotype, this is totally making sense for me and what I'm seeing in my own life.
33:50 Jemma Sbeg? And all these skills make them such an asset in a team. You know, they make them such an asset as friends as well, like the person who's gonna come in with a game plan, the person who was level-headed in emotional situations, the person who is innovative, who is responsible, who is a problem solver. You know, as an eldest daughter, sometimes it's nice to have a little bit of a teammate, and normally that teammate is one of my only child friends. One thing that also impacts career choices and impacts life paths, the life path, I should say, of the only child is their parents and the fact that they feel a greater responsibility to their parents.
34:33 Jemma Sbeg? So only children may actually find it harder to move away for work. They may find it harder to travel and be spontaneous because there's greater guilt associated with leaving your parents alone. Considering you might sometimes feel like, oh, I'm all they have. I found this really interesting Reddit story, actually discussing the burden of feeling like the sole caregiver for your parents as they get older. And you know, how hard it is to, I guess, embrace and acknowledge the fact that they are aging. You know, when you have siblings, it is something that you can face together.
35:16 Jemma Sbeg? And it's something whereby there is a sense of camaraderie around. Okay, so what are we gonna do with mum and dad? Or what if they're not okay? What if they need our help? You, you can manage it together, but for only children, it's just you. It's just you, and that can put a lot of pressure on your future plans and how your parents factor in. So with that in mind, what else do only children struggle with as part of this unique birth order experience? If we're going all the way back to childhood, a lot of only children do report a sense of loneliness as children and really wanting to have siblings, sometimes feeling quite
35:58 Jemma Sbeg? envious of large families, feeling envious of people who always had others around. They also are more likely to have had to entertain themselves. That factors into the imaginary friends thing, but yeah, they spend a lot more time alone. There's goods and bads in, in that experience. We've spoken about both of them, depending on your level of loneliness or isolation. It's really up to you whether you think that was an asset or a downside. You, as an only child, were also more likely to have very over-involved parents. Now, when we get to teenagehood, when we become adolescents, this can be a challenge.
36:42 Jemma Sbeg? During this time, during between the ages of like thirteen and eighteen, we go through a period of development in which we really want to mark our own territory, create our own identity, be an individual, despite who our parents are. And so we can kind of push back against the authority or involvement of our parents. And that can be very, very tricky when you are the only child because your parents are just in everything. They know everything about you. They're in all your business. There is no distractions. And so sometimes people do find that the pushback that is natural for anyone in teenagehood, the pushback against the parents feels like more of a point of tension and
37:28 Jemma Sbeg? stress within your family because there's no one else to mitigate that. There's no one else to ease the tension. Another thing that only children struggle with is that they are more likely to be parentified. So parentification and psychology refers to the experience whereby the role of the child and the parent almost flips. So, you know, we would expect that the parent is the one who takes care of the child, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. So the parent is the one who hears the concerns, who hears the troubles, and they then have their own support network to support them.
38:10 Jemma Sbeg? Parentification occurs when a parent turns to their child and says, alright, you can be my problem solver. You can be the parent in this situation. Here are my problems. Here's what I'm worried about. Here's our financial concerns. Here's me and your dad or me and your mum's relationship problems. Fix them or hear about them and feel like you need to fix them, even if maybe that's not explicitly what I'm asking. Hopefully you kind of get my gist. The child becomes the parent and takes on the responsibilities of this role for the person who's meant to be doing it for them. Now, if you are the only child, you are probably extra, extra, extra close to your parents. And so this parentification is more likely to occur.
38:55 Jemma Sbeg? Those are some of the consequences of being an only child. Loneliness, pressure, the burden of your parents aging, the burden of over-involved parents and parentification.
39:08 Jemma Sbeg? There are some other factors, though, that influence the only child experience, such that you can be an only child, but experience very, experience it very differently to the next person because of the age of your parents. Maybe you are the only child in one family, but your parents separated and you have step siblings. Maybe you have a lot of cousins. And so I'm telling you all these things and facts about who you're meant to be and you're thinking, none of this relates to me because actually you didn't have an only child experience. You had a very unique experience where, yes, you were the only technical child in, in your family, but you had a lot of other children around you.
39:50 Jemma Sbeg? So if I were to compare you to an only child who lived in the rural countryside and only ever saw adults, compared to an only child who lives in the city and goes to like a big school and their cousins live next door, you are going to turn out differently and it may explain why some of the only child traits that we typically expect aren't very common in large communities where children are raised by everyone. It gives the impression, it gives the experience of growing up with a bunch of other people and having to factor in their personalities and their desires in a way that a singular only child in a more isolated environment wouldn't have to do.
40:35 Jemma Sbeg? There's one final unique experience that is quite sad and it's when you are an only child because your sibling has passed. That can give you some extreme survivor's guilt and all that pressure, all that expectation, the over-involved, maybe helicopter nature of your parents can be exacerbated. The survivor's guilt in particular could be particularly strong if, you know, the passing of your sibling has made you an only child. Because now you really do feel like you have to make all of your experiences worth it. You have to live a life for both of you and you have to be two children for your parents almost.
41:19 Jemma Sbeg? You have to make sure that you meet all their expectations. It's a very complex emotional and psychological experience and we truly need to do a whole episode on it. So if that's something you would like, please reach out to me. So yeah, I can get a sense of it. Again, we should avoid overgeneralizing about an only child and who they will become. But something I do want us to all come away with is that being an only child, you know, this was once a unique and somewhat stigmatized experience. Now it's becoming not only so much more common, but it's an asset. Without a doubt, only children are such an asset.
42:03 Jemma Sbeg? I say this all the time, but no one's personality has no value. Each of us fills a space society needs to be filled. We need different ways of thinking and seeing the world. We need different ways of problem solving, a lot of which is brought on by our different childhood environments and personalities and experiences. There's a great book actually by an environmental scientist slash activist called Bill McKibben. And he basically argues that more people should be considering only having one child. And that we should ignore this idea that they are lonely or difficult or selfish because
42:48 Jemma Sbeg? the research proves time and time again that in general, they're not more, any more of these things compared to the average child. And even if these are experiences you sometimes have where you are lonely or you do struggle with working with other people, actually in the large part of this debate, the debate of is it worth only having one child? Most people will say the benefits totally outweigh any downsides. And being an only child is actually quite a favorable childhood environment because here you are with all the love and attention and resources of two parents or even one
43:31 Jemma Sbeg? parent who is incredibly devoted to you and thinks you are incredible. Okay, guys, we've talked about a lot so far, but we always have time for more and we always have time for our listener questions to touch on the more niche parts of this topic we can't always get to. So go have a little tea break, have a little pause and we will be right back.
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48:04 Jemma Sbeg? When I posted on my Instagram story that I was doing an episode on only children, I already said you guys went nuts for it. And I got so many questions, so many brilliant questions. Thank you so much. It was very, very hard to choose, but we're just gonna do four or five today. And yeah, really sink our teeth into them. I really loved this first question because I didn't really hear anyone else ask about this, but I feel like it's something that might be a common difficulty. So this is the question. How do you learn how to deal with fights and drama between siblings when you're an only child? Because my boyfriend and his sister fight constantly and it bothers me so much.
48:49 Jemma Sbeg? I had never thought about this. If you are an only child, you have never had to deal with having savage fights with your siblings. Now, I'm guessing you can tell by the way I said that it's actually totally normal, to a degree, obviously. If it is toxic and unsustainable and tearing a relationship apart, and if it's continuing way into adulthood and unnecessarily lengths and frequency and intensity, probably not good. But the average sibling fight is pretty short-lived and it can seem really intense, but it's not because we have had so much, we've had so much practice.
49:33 Jemma Sbeg? We've had so much practice fighting with each other and getting on each other's nerves. Sometimes it's just a way of releasing tension. Sometimes even like having a little fight or bicker with your sibling is kind of a sign of love. My biggest advice to you as an only child, looking at the situation, being like, this is so abnormal and weird, is to disengage. Don't get involved. Don't give advice. Don't try and mediate. Trust me, it's like getting between two dogs that are fighting, like you're just gonna get hurt. It's just gonna be projected on you. This is a sibling thing.
50:11 Jemma Sbeg? Unless your boyfriend asks for advice, unless he is seriously emotionally or mentally distressed by arguments he's having with his sister, just let them sort it out. Um, and I promise you, this is the other factor in this. It gets better with age. And it gets better with time because they will start seeing more eye to eye. And as we get older, we just get less snappy and irritable. Especially, I'm thinking about my relationship with my siblings. Oh gosh, we fought so much when we were kids. And like, it was violent and it was aggressive and it was intense. But nowadays, we are a lot better because we've matured. So it will get better with time. You're doing a great job. I'm sure it's scary. Just disengage and let them sort their own shit out.
50:54 Jemma Sbeg? The second question I got from a listener, do only children's brains develop any differently to people with siblings? No, no, there we go. That's the answer. Um, being an only sibling comes down to nurture. It's part of your environment. Um, not part of your nature and nature, genetic blueprint, cellular blueprint is normally what influences. Well, not normally, it is what influences and determines how your brain will develop. Um, only children and eldest children, middle children, youngest children. If I put their brains in front of a scientist, they would not be able to distinguish between them.
51:38 Jemma Sbeg? Our third question, are there differences between only children raised by both parents compared to a single parent? I think I mentioned, slightly mentioned this before, but I'm very glad that we got a specific question on it. Because it's a, it's an excellent question. I think being a single parent is tough. Because sometimes you feel like you have to do the job of two parents, not really realizing that the love you're giving is totally enough. If you are an only child with a single parent, you may find that you have a much more. Extremely close bond compared to some of your friends or some examples that you see.
52:21 Jemma Sbeg? You know, one of my sister's best friends is an only child to a single parent and wow, like her relationship with her mom is so beautiful and wonderful. And you know what? Me and my mom are most certainly not that close and I'm happy to admit that. There is also an increased chance of that parentification dynamic taking place because obviously, if it's a, if you have a single parent, especially if your mom or your dad is not dating anyone or doesn't have that large of a support network or hasn't remarried, you kind of become their emotional support system. You become something that they can rely on. I don't think it's their fault, right?
53:04 Jemma Sbeg? It's just because they're so close to you and they love you and they trust you and they don't have anyone else to lean on. You can become the adult sometimes in that situation. So it's something definitely to watch out for. I think also the financial constraints of having an only, sorry, having a single parent as an only child may be more intense, potentially leading to more stress and earlier independence. We already know that only children are quite independent. Having a single parent may increase that as well. The parent may be more protective, there may be more pressure, um, more pressure to succeed. You may feel greater responsibility to be everything for the parent.
53:47 Jemma Sbeg? And sometimes you may be more lonely because, you know, if your single parent has to work, you may have to hang out at home more, you may have the house to yourself more. Instead of having, you know, both your parents there taking it in turns or being more present for you. I will say, I don't think that there is like any difference in long-term outcomes. Single parent, two parents, doesn't really matter as long as they really, as long as they love you and care about you. You can have one parent and they're gonna do the job of seven parents. They could do the job of ten parents. Um, if they are a great parent. So yeah, I love this question. Those are the differences I could immediately think of. This next question is funny.
54:28 Jemma Sbeg? Why is it that every only child I've met has fit the stereotype of being a little bit spoiled? This is so funny because obviously we've broken this down. Um, I think it's confirmation bias. I think it's confirmation bias. I think that you have been told that this is what to expect from these types of individuals. And so now you only pay attention to their behavior or to the behavior that meets your expectation, not the behaviors that don't. So for example, the times when your only child friend or your only children friends are not selfish or are not jealous or are not dominating, which is probably the majority of the time.
55:10 Jemma Sbeg? You know, that you don't really pay attention to that as much as the times when they are. And those times that they are, which we all have, feel more significant to you. So they become the whole reality. Uh, it may also just be that that that's just who they are. It doesn't have anything to do with being an only child. They just are kind of, your friends just happen to be a bit selfish. Maybe it's the impact of culture or context. It may simply be that the only children you are meeting are just better at advocating for themselves. And sometimes we confuse that with being spoiled or selfish. So a couple of options there for answers. So the final question I got is, do only children wish they had siblings?
55:56 Jemma Sbeg? Now, I'm not an only child, so I can't answer this. I wanna hear from you guys. I wanna pose this question to the listeners because I wanna answer it as much as the person who posed it. As an only child, do you wish you had siblings? Are you envious of people who have siblings? Do you feel like you've missed out? Also, remember to drop your imaginary friend name so that we can get a little gang going in the, in the comment section, have a little community of imaginaries going on. And honestly, I think with that question in mind that I'm posing to you all.
56:33 Jemma Sbeg? I have nothing else to say. I think that's all my facts, figures and research for the day on only children, but I actually loved, loved, loved putting this episode together. The research is so fascinating. I loved diving into the history of our stereotypes. I love diving into the dating and the career advice and information that I got from far and wide. So if you enjoyed this episode, share it with another only child friend you may have. Share it to your story, even better. Leave a five star review. The best and make sure you're following along for when new episodes come out. We've got so much cool stuff leading up to the book being in your hands. So I can't wait for you all to tune in and until next time, stay safe, be kind
57:17 Jemma Sbeg? and be gentle with yourself above all else. We will talk very, very soon.
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