I Hate the Guy I See in the Mirror

On today’s episode, we hear about: A man struggling with lifelong body dysmorphia A dad navigating ADHD and parenthood A woman wondering why she hasn’t heard those three little words Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  So kind of struggled with weight off and on. I ballooned out then lost weight and then gained it all back, plus a whole bunch and had weight loss surgery. I just at times feel like I just have no control over this.

• 0:17Dr. John Delony?

  I guess I want to start this conversation with this. I'm gonna get choked up.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What in the world is going on? What's going on? This is John, The Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad you're here. Pull up a seat, grab some nachos, and we're gonna figure out what's the next right move. Whatever you got going on in your life, whether it's your marriage, your dating relationships, your mental and emotional health, your physical, whatever you got going on for the last two decades plus, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what do I do now. And I'm so glad you're here. If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com/ask, A-S-K, and we'll holler back girl at you and see if we can get you on the show. Let's go out to St. Louis, Missouri and talk to Team Edward. What's up Edward?

• 1:09Speaker 00

  Hello, how are you?

• 1:10Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, brother. How are you?

• 1:12Speaker 00

  Doing good.

• 1:13Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. What's up, man?

• 1:14Speaker 00

  Well, funny that you said grab some nachos at the beginning because I am calling about issues with like emotional eating and things like that.

• 1:24Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, I'll, I'll, I'll put extra cheese on them because I'm an emotional eater also. Fantastic. Man, so tell me about it, man. What's going on?

• 1:32Speaker 00

  Um, so kind of struggled with weight off and on. Um, even as a kid, but then like, you know, into adulthood, I kind of ballooned out then lost weight and then gained it all back, plus a whole bunch. And, um, kind of to keep it brief, like had, um, weight loss surgery a little over a year ago and dropped, you know, a good amount of weight. Still got a little bit more to lose, but I am finding like all of those emotional pulls to food and, and all of that has just crept back in, maybe even more so than, than before. And I mean, I'm terrified obviously to gain the weight back and, and things like that. And,

• 2:13Speaker 00

  you know, just trying to change my habits to, to be healthier, but it's like, I just at times feel like I just have no control over this too. And it's kind of bleeding into other areas of my life as well, I think too.

• 2:26Dr. John Delony?

  So take me back. When's the first time you realized I don't like being in my own skin?

• 2:33Speaker 00

  Hmm, I remember as a kid, just feeling, you know, super insecure and, and things like that. Weight was kinda commented on a lot and I wasn't like, by any means like, you know, morbidly obese as a kid, but I, you know, I was-

• 2:48Dr. John Delony?

  A kid in husky jeans, right? Just a pudgy kid.

• 2:50Speaker 00

  Exactly. Um, I, I wore the husky jeans and I really, you know, that was, oh, that was kind of a big joke and, and things like that. And I do know that I turned to food to kinda, you know, cope with, you know, some of the stresses of, you know, of the home life and things like that, too.

• 3:04Dr. John Delony?

  How did your parents cope with stress?

• 3:07Speaker 00

  Um, when I was a little kid, like, you know, I had a partier for a dad who was, you know, just kind of out and doing his own thing. And then, um, I did have a mom who was, um, ate a lot and stuff like that, too.

• 3:20Dr. John Delony?

  Don't you. So you had one dad who dealt with not feeling comfortable in his own skin, his own life, by going out and partying.

• 3:27Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 3:28Dr. John Delony?

  And you had a mom that, for lack of better terms, just to be crass, ate her feelings.

• 3:33Speaker 00

  Right.

• 3:34Dr. John Delony?

  And as a little kid, you don't have access to partying. Most kids don't, right?

• 3:39Speaker 00

  Right.

• 3:39Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and mom could make everybody feel better with a pie or with a casserole or with some spaghetti or with some Oreos or whatever, right?

• 3:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So I guess I want to start this conversation with this. You're not a cosmic failure. And you're not a loser. Your body is simply doing what it was trained to do from a really young age, which is to hide from itself in the most socially acceptable form possible, in the most connecting with mom way possible, which was to eat something.

• 4:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:12Dr. John Delony?

  So you're not a bad guy. In fact, your body's working exactly as it was programmed to do.

• 4:17Speaker 00

  Right.

• 4:20Dr. John Delony?

  And then, how old are you now?

• 4:23Speaker 00

  Forty-two.

• 4:24Dr. John Delony?

  Forty-two. And now you've still got these demons hanging around, huh?

• 4:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:28Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about your life now. Married, kids, not married, in a relationship, working? Tell me about your life.

• 4:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, married for almost twenty-five years.

• 4:37Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, wow.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, four kids. They're all kinda older. Things like that, very active kids and sports and things like that. Very busy.

• 4:49Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 4:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:51Dr. John Delony?

  So what made you decide to go get the surgery?

• 4:55Speaker 00

  I had told myself, kind of the prior year, like, if I'm still struggling with this, I kinda need to do something almost drastic to force myself into, you know, something different that, you know, wasn't working for me, you know, now, so let's try something different. And I think part of me too, if I had to be totally honest with myself, thought it might be a little bit more of an easier way out. You know, there would be some sort of help in that. That wasn't like my entire reason, but I think, you know, in my mind, that's part of, you know, what you're thinking too, like, hey, this is gonna make it a little bit easier. And kind of what I found out is it may have made it easier

• 5:36Speaker 00

  to drop some pounds pretty quickly, but there's still a lot of, a lot of work you gotta do mentally to keep it off and to keep going and to be overall, you know, a healthier person.

• 5:49Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's the challenge with dealing with emotional eating habits by surgically reducing the amount you can eat, is you don't deal with the emotional part.

• 5:58Speaker 00

  Right.

• 5:59Dr. John Delony?

  Right. So what kind of emotions do you, bubble up for you? Anger, frustration, rage, anxiety, depression? Like, what does your body feel when you start to, when you find yourself grabbing yet another Oreo or swinging through a drive-thru?

• 6:16Speaker 00

  Um, I mean, usually it's just like, once I'm done, it's just like this depression, like just so upset with myself, feels like a failure.

• 6:24Dr. John Delony?

  No, on the front end.

• 6:26Speaker 00

  On the front end?

• 6:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, what's going on? It might even be joy, like, what is it that, that you find yourself, is it mindlessness? Like, you're just pulling into a drive-through? Is it this perception of hunger? Is it depression? Is it just running low? Like, what is it?

• 6:40Speaker 00

  It's all, it's all of it, honestly. Um, I mean, there's times where it's like, ah, it's been a great day. You know, what would make this better? Mike?

• 6:46Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 6:47Speaker 00

  And then, you know, you find yourself crossing four lanes of traffic into Taco Bell, you know? And you're like, or, you know, just, I mean, it could have just been like a rough day. And I find myself at night, just like, alright, tomorrow is gonna be a better day. And then I wake up in the morning and the first thing on my mind is like, why don't we just go through the drive-through? And then, you know, just call today, today, and then tomorrow will be better. It's just like continuously just talk myself into it, you know? And just non-stop.

• 7:18Dr. John Delony?

  That, that voice inside your head's exhausting, huh?

• 7:22Speaker 00

  It's, yeah, it's wearing me down.

• 7:25Dr. John Delony?

  Um, a few months ago, I was jogging with my son. He's a cross-country guy, and I can run like, one mile with him on his eight-mile run or whatever. I could barely keep up with him anymore. He's, he's too fast.

• 7:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:35Dr. John Delony?

  But, he asked me while we were running, I could barely breathe, he could talk fine, cuz, uh, he's faster. Um, he said, "Dad, what are you thinking about right now?"

• 7:47Dr. John Delony?

  And I said, "I've got a pretty mean internal dialogue going right now. What's in your head right now?"

• 7:54Dr. John Delony?

  And he told me, and it was actually a compassionate, kind, like, "Keep going, just one more step", just like, it was, it was, it was kind of like a cool coach.

• 8:04Dr. John Delony?

  And I said, "I don't wanna tell you what's in my head, son, cuz it's pretty dark."

• 8:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:09Dr. John Delony?

  And we're jogging down the road, and he finally said, "Well, what is it, Dad?" And I said, "I'm gonna tell you." And the things that I said out loud were shocking to me, even as they came out of my own mouth.

• 8:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:19Dr. John Delony?

  That voice inside my head. Would you share with some of us, some of the things you say to yourself, pulling into a drive-through, pulling out of a drive-through, or when you wake up, I mean, when you're about to go to bed, and you feel like, "I've had another failure day"? What's that internal dialogue sound like?

• 8:36Speaker 00

  I've been working on it. I mean, it's always been for the, for the most part, like you have zero discipline, man. Like you should, you should be able to do this. Like, why are you continuing to struggle with this? You have all these tools. You have a good life. Like, there's just no reason. And I just basically tell myself, like, you're a screw up. Like, you have, you know, you're just not even trying. And you're just, it's just a lot of that, I guess. Um, and then after I, I leave, you know, I go through the drive thru or I, you know, down a two liters or something, and I'm just like, yep, there it is again. Like, you know, you just made more excuses and, you

• 9:20Speaker 00

  know, you're just an undisciplined person, you know, just trying to make yourself happy for right now instead of, you know, wanting something better later, kind of thing.

• 9:29Dr. John Delony?

  You just gave me the very Disneyfied version of the actual voice, didn't you?

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Kind of.

• 9:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I mean, that's okay. That's, that's totally okay. Um, whose voice was that originally?

• 9:45Speaker 00

  Hmm. I think that there's a little bit of childhood stuff, obviously, in there. Um,

• 9:54Dr. John Delony?

  But be specific. Is that your dad's voice? Is that some of the neighborhood kid's voice? Was that your mom's voice always saying, I need to lose weight and I need to be on a diet? And you, you saw her and kind of looked at yourself in the mirror and thought, oh, I guess she doesn't like me either. She didn't like herself. Like, where does that voice come from? Because almost always the voice in our head started out as somebody else's voice until it became our own.

• 10:17Speaker 00

  I can think of three different voices it could be right now.

• 10:20Dr. John Delony?

  Do you mind sharing them?

• 10:21Speaker 00

  One would be my dad.

• 10:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 10:23Speaker 00

  You're not doing good enough.

• 10:25Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 10:27Speaker 00

  Even as like a kid, like, uh, just, I would just be like, and so like, we did a lot of work around the house and I wasn't like more of a manual labor kid at the time and, uh, just be like, you know, you should have a desk job because this isn't gonna, life isn't gonna work out for you like this. Like, you're just lazy and this and that. And, um, like even the mom, like, just constantly, you know, dieting and, and things like that. Um, and to kind of even make it a little bit weirder, church.

• 11:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Keep going. I'm with you on that one, too. Keep going.

• 11:04Speaker 00

  Growing up in a very legalistic, um, environment of you're not good enough. Um, you always had to strive for perfection. You were responsible for the salvation of everybody around you. Um, you know, everything was pressure. You had to do everything and you were never doing good enough.

• 11:26Dr. John Delony?

  Man. If you were sitting right here, I would ask you if it's cool and I'd stand up and I'd give you a hug, man.

• 11:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:36Dr. John Delony?

  Cause opening your eyes every morning for 40 years and recognizing you're on a stage and the result of that performance is whether God, whether your mom, I'm gonna get choked up, crap, whether your dad is gonna think you're worthy of being loved.

• 11:58Dr. John Delony?

  That's so exhausting, man.

• 12:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:05Dr. John Delony?

  So here's where-

• 12:05Speaker 00

  I can believe the theory.

• 12:07Dr. John Delony?

  Go ahead, man.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  I can believe the theory, like, yeah, God loves me and he's pleased with me.

• 12:11Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it does. It's in your nervous system, man.

• 12:13Speaker 00

  But it doesn't ever feel like that.

• 12:14Dr. John Delony?

  No, the rest of it's just words.

• 12:16Speaker 00

  Right.

• 12:18Dr. John Delony?

  So do me a favor, okay? Are you in a place where you can close your eyes? You're not like in an office with a glass wall or anything?

• 12:23Speaker 00

  No, I'm, I'm, I'm in my home office.

• 12:26Dr. John Delony?

  All right, close your eyes.

• 12:27Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:28Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to picture yourself

• 12:32Dr. John Delony?

  at nine years old in those husky jeans.

• 12:36Dr. John Delony?

  Just standing there with your arms straight down, about six feet from you.

• 12:43Dr. John Delony?

  Your hair parted, or your hair in a flat top, however your parents cut your hair when you were a kid.

• 12:49Dr. John Delony?

  And that button up plaid shirt that's probably a little bit too big, because you're trying to hide a little bit already.

• 12:57Dr. John Delony?

  I want you just to see that kid standing there, looking at you.

• 13:06Dr. John Delony?

  And then I want you to visualize yourself reaching out and putting your hands on that kid's face.

• 13:13Dr. John Delony?

  On either side of his cheeks.

• 13:18Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to visualize yourself standing up and going over that little boy. And putting your head on his forehead, y'all connect foreheads.

• 13:31Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to look that little boy dead in the eyes and say, "I love you, and we made it."

• 13:38Dr. John Delony?

  Say it for me.

• 13:40Speaker 00

  "I love you, and we made it."

• 13:46Dr. John Delony?

  When we get off this call, I want you to write that little boy a letter.

• 13:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 13:54Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:55Dr. John Delony?

  And we're gonna say, "Dear Edward,

• 13:59Dr. John Delony?

  I'm so sorry that Dad talked to you that way." And I want you to be really specific about the things Dad said.

• 14:08Dr. John Delony?

  No dad should say this, and this, and this to his son.

• 14:16Dr. John Delony?

  And then I want you to say, "And now we gotta talk about Mom. Mom was hurting because Dad was running around on the town all the time, coming home drunk, and

• 14:26Dr. John Delony?

  Mom both told me that my value was in sitting with her and eating these big meals, and also that I wasn't worth looking at because I was pudgy little kid."

• 14:39Dr. John Delony?

  And the more specific you are about things that you actually remember, and the things you were told, the more cathartic and healing this exercise will be, okay?

• 14:49Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 14:49Dr. John Delony?

  That's step one.

• 14:53Dr. John Delony?

  And in that letter, I also want you to tell that little boy, "When you grow up to be 18, here's a thing that's gonna happen, so people are gonna make fun of you." I want you to remember a couple of specific memories.

• 15:07Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to bring that little boy all the way through the surgery and say, "Hey, I have an amazing wife." "I bet you didn't think we were gonna get married. I bet you didn't think we were gonna have sex. "We had at least four times. We got four kids."

• 15:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:21Dr. John Delony?

  "We got four amazing kids. You have four amazing kids." And then I want you to write in this letter, "I refuse to pass along to my kids what mom and dad passed on to you. "I got a surgery. I've dealt with some of this stuff, and yet the emotions are heavy. "And today is day one when I begin to say the words, 'I'm worth not performing anymore.'" And then at the end of that letter, I want you to tell that little boy, "It is time for you to take off these big baggy clothes,

• 16:06Dr. John Delony?

  "put on some shorts and a t-shirt, and go play. "You don't have to defend me anymore." Okay? And here's what this looks like in the real world. You're... What? Say it again. Forty-one, forty-five?

• 16:23Speaker 00

  Forty-two.

• 16:23Dr. John Delony?

  Forty-two. Here's what it looks like now. Every morning when you wake up, I want you to have a small journal by your bed, and I want you to write the words, "I'm grateful for today, "and I get to..." Not "I have to." "I get to take care of myself so I can love my wife recklessly. "I get to take care of myself today. I get to feel good today "so I can show up for these crazy act of kids. "I get to..." You're gonna write four things down.

• 17:01Dr. John Delony?

  "I get to take care of myself today, to love myself well today because I'm worth being loved."

• 17:09Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 17:10Dr. John Delony?

  And if you want to add the faith component, "I get to take care of myself today because the God of the universe sees value in me, "on and off the stage."

• 17:24Dr. John Delony?

  And then you're gonna have to put some real life roadblocks for a season. You're gonna have to go see a counselor and talk about the emotional part.

• 17:31Speaker 00

  I am doing that, yeah.

• 17:32Dr. John Delony?

  Good, good. I don't want you to go to a counselor and just regurgitate stuff. I want you to sit with a counselor and talk through, when I have this memory, when I talk about this memory, my chest does this. And I want to feel what's happening, the sadness, the anger, the rage, the heartbreak, the lonely. And I want to extend the gap. This is mindful, I want to extend the gap between that feeling and what I do next. Cause that is the magic from feeling like you had a great day. And dude, I'm gonna go crush some Taco Bell and exhaling and not swinging through four lanes of traffic.

• 18:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:14Dr. John Delony?

  And being really graceful with yourself when you do.

• 18:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:18Dr. John Delony?

  And what we're looking for is more peace, more wins than losses. And over time, the thought of crushing a whole cheesecake, it doesn't even feel good anymore because you believe you're worth feeling good and you've got enough wins that you realize how good you feel when you wake up and you haven't nailed a whole pizza at night.

• 18:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:41Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying? It's a practicing process. You're practicing something completely new. It's not a matter of, I'm a loser, I'm a fat idiot. Whatever things you want to say about yourself and your narrative.

• 18:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:53Dr. John Delony?

  It is, man, my whole life, this is how I was trained to deal with stress. I'm gonna start practicing something new that actually honors the fact that I'm worth being loved.

• 19:05Dr. John Delony?

  Brother, I'm with you. This has haunted me my whole life and I'm working through it myself. You call me anytime and I'll walk with you. Get that letter done to that little boy. And if you want to be a gangster, you got older kids, sit down and read that letter to your children.

• 19:20Dr. John Delony?

  Read it to your wife, read it out loud, share it. And say, I'm gonna finally deal with the emotional part of the emotional eating. And I love you guys. Call me out, catch me, we'll make some jokes, we'll have some fun, we'll shed some tears together. And your dad's gonna finally begin to live into the fact that he's worth being loved by God, by everybody. Really grateful for the call, brother. Thank you so much for your trust. Call me anytime and I'll walk with you. When we come back, a man asks how to manage his ADHD without hurting his daughter.

• 19:53Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, here's the truth. I have great friends, I've got a strong faith, and I have an amazing wife and a family. I'm also kind of a nerd, and I've got two PhDs worth of information about how to be well and whole, right? And yet, there have been critically important times in my life, several of these times over the years, that I've had to go spend time with a great therapist, and that time with a therapist has made all the difference for me and my emotional health, my mental health, and my relationships. The right therapist can change everything. And this month, my friends at BetterHelp are shining the spotlight on the therapists. These are the people who truly make the world a better place.

• 20:35Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:18Dr. John Delony?

  Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, Baltimore, Maryland, home of the Wire. Let's talk to Ben. What's up, Ben? How we doing?

• 21:34Speaker 02

  I'm doing pretty good. Appreciate you taking my call.

• 21:36Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent. You got it, brother. What's up, man?

• 21:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I have like two kind of intertwined things going on here. I'd love to get your perspective on this. It's something I've just been struggling with. I've got a nine-year-old daughter and a five-year-old son. And, you know, one of the things that I'm struggling with is with my own anxiety and ADHD throughout my life, I can now start to see those traits really emerging in my nine-year-old daughter. And one of the things that I struggle with is how do I, how do I enable her to see those as a, as a thing like more of like a superpower? Like that's how I always describe it with her is like, cause my brain can process so much bigger and faster and stronger than others around me because I've learned how to kind of like, you know, figure that out. And, you know, I've done well in my career because

• 22:20Speaker 02

  of it and things like that. But what I find is that when she, when my brain is going crazy and she's having that same moment, I do one of two things. And I've heard you talk about this in the past. Like I either retreat and go mow the lawn and get away and abandon my wife in that moment while she's going nuts like my daughter, or I react and I become angry and like, I just find myself feeling so guilty after that moment of like the outburst. And I know that I can identify it is like, yeah, my brain's going crazy at the same time her brain is and we just clash.

• 22:55Dr. John Delony?

  You're not gonna like my answer.

• 22:58Speaker 02

  Go for it.

• 22:58Dr. John Delony?

  Is that cool? Are we same team here, man? Good gosh, you sound exactly like me. Same team?

• 23:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:04Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Have you heard me tell a story about my daughter?

• 23:08Dr. John Delony?

  And the hugging?

• 23:10Speaker 02

  Um, yeah. So like, we actually started to do some of that stuff of the whole like, I'm gonna make this super uncomfortable for you and hug you. But then she's like, oh, it's weird. So I'm like, and I'm doing the whole like, I don't know, like, you know, the, the stuffed animal thing I heard on the show a couple of weeks ago. I'm like, let's try that. And she's like, that's cringe, man. Well, that's okay.

• 23:28Dr. John Delony?

  Um, all right. So here's the backstory to that. I think I've told it a few times, but, um, I, the big, my big dark, dirty secret here was this show took off out from under me and it became a top 10, top five show. I think it was number three one week. Like it was just, it was going bananas. And at home, my daughter wouldn't hug me.

• 23:50Dr. John Delony?

  And it made me nutty. It broke my heart. I didn't know what to do and I knew it wasn't right. And I didn't know how to fix it. And I tried everything. Tried everything. And it, my wife, one day, she's very wise and she's, and she's like a walking Xanax. And so I'm super grateful for her beyond measure. But she said, has it ever occurred to you that?

• 24:16Dr. John Delony?

  My daughter's nine, too, but at the time, I think she was six. That tiny little body of hers wants desperately to be connected with her dad, but it feels you as unsafe. And that broke my heart. And I actually got kind of mad. I was like, dude, I'm not unsafe. I don't swear in this house. I never yell. I don't hit my kids. And my wife said, no, no, no, you're an amazing dad, but we all can feel the nuclear reactor in your chest.

• 24:48Dr. John Delony?

  And I called a local therapist in kind of a temper tantrum. And I walked in and said, evidently, my family can feel the fact that I'm not safe to be around, even though my actions suggest otherwise.

• 25:01Dr. John Delony?

  And that started a six-month unpacking of some nightmarish stuff that happened to me when I was a kid. Some stuff I experienced, some stuff I saw.

• 25:12Dr. John Delony?

  And it wasn't until about six to nine months later that I was doing something. And I remember the words popped out of my mouth. Josephine, which is my daughter's name, get off of me. And then I started laughing. And then I got choked up. And I said, no, no, no, don't.

• 25:28Dr. John Delony?

  And then here I am, three years later. Last night, my daughter finished dinner, and she got up, climbed over, out of her seat, climbed up over my chair and draped herself over my back just to absorb peace. And so my answer to you is, which is hard, is when you have a kid that's reactive and you see them doing the ADHD things, you see them wanting to retreat, or you see them kind of exploding, is children absorb tension in the house.

• 25:59Dr. John Delony?

  And that means, as a parent, it's my responsibility to go find peace from the inside out. So I would ask you, what are the things as a kid, what are the things in your middle school, high school years, when you felt so trapped that rage was the only way out? Rage is trapped anger.

• 26:20Dr. John Delony?

  Take me back to moments when you felt completely powerless as a little one.

• 26:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, I grew up, I was the, I'm a middle child.

• 26:29Dr. John Delony?

  Me too.

• 26:31Speaker 02

  And like middle child and I was the, um, I played the sports. Oh, they all played the sports. Everybody played the sports. Everybody was great at sports and I was okay. And I was like the academic guy who's like, that's why like now it's like I've got the better career than all of them, but like, nobody cared about that because it was that like, sports is the thing we do and we're really good at it. And I'm like, yeah, I'm here too, guys. Um, so I'd be the one that kind of tags along. So I think there's a little bit of that of like, that performance mentality of like, I'm, I just had to prove myself another way. And like, look, I made it. And then like, again, it's that, the seeking that validation, right? Of just like, hey, just like, no one has ever said like, hey, man, like you're doing great. You know what I mean? So it's, you know, there's a lot of that that I've been working through. Um.

• 27:14Dr. John Delony?

  How are you working through that? I, I, I had a, I had a, one of my, one of my practicum advisors, he was a savant psychologist. He's brilliant. But he, I remember him saying, hey, John, straight A's can be a trauma response too.

• 27:30Dr. John Delony?

  And I, I remember that just echoing through me as I was working on my second PhD.

• 27:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. So part of it is one, like, uh, just like physical health for me has helped because one, I was, you know, I was overweight because I was doing the typical, like, I'm sitting at my desk all day, like cranking out and like, look, I made this career move. And like, look, I'm all the way at the top now. And, and it's like, you get here and I've, you know, I've heard you talk about this some too in the past of like, I got here and I'm like, wow, this doesn't feel like what I thought it was gonna feel like.

• 27:57Dr. John Delony?

  Now what?

• 27:57Speaker 02

  I didn't, I didn't make anything.

• 27:59Dr. John Delony?

  Dad didn't call.

• 27:59Speaker 02

  Now I have no, yeah, like I have nothing to like, there's nothing else to climb toward. Like I'm at the top now. And it's just like, okay, like now what do I do? And I, you know, started to think like, well, it's really impacting my physical health. And so I've now like lost, I've lost about 65 pounds, like just being, you know, better with my, what I eat and doing exercise. And that's really helped a lot of, of a couple of different things, but also like, I can now, you know, get involved in my kids' activities and sports better. Like I feel better, you know, being involved with them a lot more and I can, you know, play more with them. So there's a lot of that.

• 28:32Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, hold on, hold on, brother.

• 28:34Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 28:34Dr. John Delony?

  Will you sit with me for a second?

• 28:36Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 28:38Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to, to rewind what you just told me.

• 28:43Dr. John Delony?

  As a middle child, I was raising my hand saying, "Does anybody see me too?" And the answer was no. So you worked really hard in school. "Does anybody see me now?" "Look at your brother playing whatever. Look at your sister on the soccer field." So then, an internal engine said, "I'll show you." And you did.

• 29:08Dr. John Delony?

  And here's my guess, I'm gonna shoot my shot here, tell me if I'm wrong. You married over your head. Is that fair?

• 29:15Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 29:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. "I'll show you guys." And you marry somebody who people will be like, "I can't believe she's with you." She's probably brilliant, probably hilarious, probably beautiful, probably all three. Fair?

• 29:29Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 29:30Dr. John Delony?

  And still, when you looked you in the mirror, there you were. And so then you went and got this career, and there you were. And then you got to the top, and there you were. And then you gave yourself yet another finish line. "I'm gonna lose a bunch of weight." And you did.

• 29:47Speaker 02

  Yep, and now I struggle with body dysmorphia, and it's just like, I'm at that point where it's like,

• 29:51Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but the next-

• 29:52Speaker 02

  "Man, I've lost all this weight and there's nothing here."

• 29:54Dr. John Delony?

  Because you keep showing up, because you won't deal with the nightmare that's inside your chest. And I'm telling you, you gotta trust me on this, brother. Your next finish line, I just heard it, is, "I'm gonna be the super present dad at all these things." And you're freaking doing it, and it's awesome. And every morning you wake up and go brush your teeth, there you are in the mirror again. And you don't like that guy.

• 30:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, and it's just more tired, because I've added three things now, I'm trying to juggle, you know, as-

• 30:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but that fatigue comes from the inside out.

• 30:30Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 30:32Dr. John Delony?

  You're tired of giving yourself yet another marathon that you white knuckle your way through, because you're really strong. Your internal engine is powerful and strong, because it had to be. Because you got the message at a very young age, "Nobody wants to see you. Move, please. Your brother's on the soccer field."

• 30:55Dr. John Delony?

  And until you address that kid,

• 31:00Dr. John Delony?

  you're gonna find another one and another one and then they're gonna see your heart attack from space. Or you're gonna get really tired, and this is me being stone honest with you, somebody at your office,

• 31:12Dr. John Delony?

  she's gonna text you and say, "That joke you had in the meeting today, nobody caught it, I heard it, it was hilarious." And that's gonna feel so good. Somebody sees me. And then you're gonna think about putting another joke in the next meeting to see if she catches it, and she's gonna catch that one, and then you're all gonna go grab coffee, and then you're gonna do something that you never thought you would do. That's the trajectory.

• 31:36Dr. John Delony?

  This constant move of another finish line and another finish line and another finish line always ends in ash.

• 31:43Dr. John Delony?

  Always does.

• 31:46Dr. John Delony?

  And that's I need you to hear me say, "Man, you're worth just stopping the race."

• 31:54Dr. John Delony?

  You're worth loving you, my man.

• 32:01Dr. John Delony?

  Do you hear what I'm saying? Does that resonate?

• 32:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, for sure. I mean, this is, you know, it's the constant, like, searching for the thing, and, you know, honestly, that's how I ended up finding your podcast to begin with, is like, you know, how do I, how do I, you know, you have that weird millennial man, like, I just power through this, I'll listen to a few podcasts and like, you know, work on it intentionally, be better, and it's like, you know, at what point does my, you know, ADHD addiction tendency of like, being amazing at that thing become myself, right? Like, I think that's ultimately where I'm starting to land, it's scary, right? Because it's like, now I have to be really vulnerable with someone else.

• 32:38Dr. John Delony?

  That's it. ADHD is a context, not an excuse.

• 32:42Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 32:43Dr. John Delony?

  ADHD inside of a well person who knows in their being that they're loved, A, dramatically decreases. That's just science. Number two, becomes an unfathomable superpower.

• 33:02Dr. John Delony?

  Because you can do things, you can feel things, you can show up for people in ways, you can get projects done on a dime, and you, as a salesperson, can see somebody and feel them in a powerful, profound way. But if you're feeling them and trying to solve their problems because somewhere inside there's a nine-year-old saying, "Maybe they'll see me now," they're gonna move the line and move the line and move the line until your heart explodes. But a well person, my anxiousness didn't just go away, but the alarm shut off. My ADHD and OCD stuff, man, the symptomology of it is way reduced, but it's still there. And

• 33:45Dr. John Delony?

  now it's a force for good. It's not a force for avoidance and powering through. You get the difference?

• 33:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, for sure.

• 33:53Dr. John Delony?

  It's amazing. And that comes from you, sitting down with somebody and sharing stuff from the inside out. Because here's the truth, I'll be willing to bet, being completely honest about stuff that happened to you when you were young is nightmarish. And there may even be stuff that your wife doesn't know of 20 years, doesn't know.

• 34:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, I'd agree with that, for sure. You bury it all the way down there and say, "I'm gonna act like this didn't happen because this is the perception that I've wanted to create."

• 34:27Dr. John Delony?

  And let me say this as clear as I possibly can, secrets will kill you. And worse, I'm gonna throw some gasoline on it. Our kids can't reach inside of our chest to get to know that secret. They think that electricity is because of them, and they will do every damn thing they can to try to fix it. And that's not their job.

• 34:57Dr. John Delony?

  If you think of it, you may have heard me say that if you think of it like bricks in a backpack, it's either I'm gonna do the work with my counselor and my vulnerability and be open and honest with my wife about things that happened to me when I was a kid that she didn't even know. I'm gonna deal with that. About the dishonesty that's been even maybe been in our marriage that I've never been open and honest about and deal with the consequences. I'm gonna live a life where I've got no more bricks in there, or it's like taking off a backpack full of bricks and handing it to our kids and saying, you know what, y'all carry that. I made a whole bunch of money, I set you up good, you deal with that. I guess, brother, I just need you to tell me, hear me say I love you enough to tell you, you're worth walking through life without anything in your backpack, man.

• 35:42Dr. John Delony?

  Cause life's gonna put crap in there. Your mom's gonna get sick, one of your kids is gonna have a problem, like life is gonna put enough stuff in there, dude. Carrying your own secrets about worth and value and things that happened to you and things you've done, it's just too, it's too exhausting of a way to live, man.

• 35:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's, I think that's the hope that I'm, that I'm looking at right now is like, just like feeling free, right? It's like, I want my, I want my chest to match like what my brain aspires.

• 36:10Dr. John Delony?

  My man, there you go, there you go.

• 36:12Speaker 02

  Like, it would be, like, I just keep, I keep visualizing that, that's what I keep striving for right now as I'm listening through this and like-

• 36:19Dr. John Delony?

  Stop striving.

• 36:20Speaker 02

  The stuff I'm working on is like-

• 36:21Dr. John Delony?

  Stop striving, stop. I want you to do what I told the previous caller to do. I want you to imagine 12-year-old you who just got a 97 and dad goes, whoa, would a hundred would've killed you? And dad just walks on. I want you to picture that kid, or the kid who's always kinda running behind because we're always going to brother or sister's games or whatever. And I want you to write that kid a letter.

• 36:52Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to tell a kid you're sorry that he was unseen, he was unknown, he was uncelebrated. Because every kid needs to be seen and known and celebrated.

• 37:06Dr. John Delony?

  And then I want you to write down, get it out of your body onto a piece of paper. And if you're like me, kind of paranoid, most ADHD people I know, most anxious people I know are, write it out.

• 37:19Dr. John Delony?

  Here's some of the things that happened to me. Here's all the things. And then, if you're like me, I started with a counselor before I sat down with my wife. But that's gonna be for you. Whoever you want to talk to, grief demands a witness. You're gonna have to grieve these things, you're gonna have to share these things, you have to learn some tools about breathing, you're gonna have to learn some tools about letting your first response, as Jefferson says, be your breath, not yelling. Your first response be leaning forward towards your wife or towards your daughter, not running to the yard.

• 37:50Dr. John Delony?

  It's gonna be getting a couple of male friends, some dudes that you hang out with once a week.

• 37:56Dr. John Delony?

  Those are the things that will heal your body from the inside out. So that a faith practice that you can surrender to and say, dear God, thank you for loving me in these moments when I don't feel lovable. And you anchor in.

• 38:13Dr. John Delony?

  Just hear me say it, brother. You're worth being loved, my man. Hang on the line, I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. And I want you to use that as a roadmap, but I also want you to write that letter today. Buy yourself, door shut, spiral notebook. And then I want you to make a call to a counselor and say, I'm ready to heal some of this dark, dark stuff. I'm ready to open the box. No more secrets. I'm not carrying that crap anymore. And I can almost guarantee you, five months, six months, you're gonna find yourself doing something and that six-year-old daughter of yours is gonna be six or seven, and she's gonna be jumping on you. And you're gonna smile and be like, ah, this is what well feels like.

• 38:50Dr. John Delony?

  Grateful for you, brother. Man, that call was too close to home. We come back, a woman asks, what should she do if her boyfriend never says the words? I love you. Be right back.

• 39:04Dr. John Delony?

  All right, I want to talk about Helix mattresses. Summer is gone. We're in the middle of the fall. We got football games going on. We got school stuff all over the place. All of us are wanting to numb out more and more. Listen, we have to be intentional about protecting our sleep. Because here's the truth, how we sleep is an incredibly important part of how we feel. One of the most important things I do to stay mentally sharp, emotionally steady, and able to show up for my wife and my kids and my team is getting a good night's sleep. And that's why I love talking to you about Helix mattresses. Helix builds mattresses for you specifically. Not the generic, average sleeper, but for you.

• 39:49Dr. John Delony?

  Whether you're a hot sleeper, a side sleeper, a back sleeper, or somewhere in between, Helix designs mattresses around your needs. Get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. I did it. It takes like two minutes or less, and they're going to match you with exactly the right mattress for you. Right now, my audience can get an exclusive 20% off of their entire order at helixsleep.com. So go check them out right now. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X. Helixsleep.com/Daloni for 20% off your entire order. And tell them you heard about Helix mattresses right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.

• 40:31Dr. John Delony?

  Laxington, Kentucky, just north of me, talking to Nicole. What up, Nicole?

• 40:38Speaker 03

  Hello?

• 40:39Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 40:41Speaker 03

  Um, I'm talking to you.

• 40:43Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm talking to you. I'm glad you called. Pull up a seat. What's going on?

• 40:47Speaker 03

  Thank you. Um...

• 40:49Dr. John Delony?

  I know it can be kind of weird when I first answer the phone. That's got to feel kind of strange, right?

• 40:54Speaker 03

  Yeah. Well, I've been dating someone, it's about 15 months now, and it's a big deal for me because I haven't been in relationships for like many years.

• 41:08Speaker 03

  And he, he just doesn't say the words "I love you", and when I think about it, it drives me nuts because I want to hear those words. We spend a lot of time together and...

• 41:21Speaker 03

  He, like, you can't force someone to feel some, something, but I want him to say, "I love you." But he hasn't said it.

• 41:28Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 41:29Speaker 03

  So sometimes I think I'm wasting my time and I should just go home and not talk to him anymore. Cause I don't wanna waste my time.

• 41:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. What does he say when you say, "I love you"? Thanks?

• 41:39Speaker 03

  Well, see, I don't say that either, but I wrote it down and...

• 41:43Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, no!

• 41:47Speaker 03

  No, if I said it and he didn't say it back, I would just die, but, um, I wrote it, like it...

• 41:53Dr. John Delony?

  You're dying right now.

• 41:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:56Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 41:58Speaker 03

  Well, forty-four.

• 41:59Dr. John Delony?

  Forty-four.

• 42:01Speaker 03

  And I wrote it to him, like, I wrote in birthday cards, Christmas cards, Valentine's Day cards, birthday cards, and we celebrated our first month anniversary, and I got a cute card. It says, "Two puzzle pieces," and it just says, "Love you, the pieces," and then I write sweet notes, and I'm better at writing than talking, so I'll write, like, a note and write, "I love you." And, like, I thought, in my mind, he should play something back, like, "I love you too."

• 42:29Dr. John Delony?

  You've never said it.

• 42:30Speaker 03

  No, but I wrote it.

• 42:32Dr. John Delony?

  The Hallmark card has it written for you.

• 42:34Speaker 03

  No, but I wrote it, I, I write it myself.

• 42:38Dr. John Delony?

  Doesn't matter, Nicole, today, today. Because here's why, you're making yourself crazy by projecting future calamity, probably based on, you, you've been hurt bad in the past, haven't you?

• 42:53Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, everyone has, I have.

• 42:55Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's how you've, that's how you have minimized your own feelings and your own wants and your, the only, the things that you really want in the world, you squashed them because, well, it just happens to everybody.

• 43:08Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 43:08Dr. John Delony?

  And that's a, that, that sentiment, walking through the world that way assures you of being seventy-five or eighty years old, laying in a hospital bed.

• 43:17Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 43:18Dr. John Delony?

  Having never risked anything and therefore having never gained anything.

• 43:25Speaker 03

  Well, I almost started to ask him before, like, so, do you love me? But I think he should say it on his own. Or he could respond to my notes and letters.

• 43:37Dr. John Delony?

  Notes, I'm gonna tell you right now, notes don't count. Notes don't count. Have you met men?

• 43:41Speaker 03

  Even if it's a nice, sweet letter.

• 43:43Dr. John Delony?

  Have you met men? All right, here's the thing. If behavior was a language, how does he say he loves you through his actions?

• 43:55Speaker 03

  Well, that's the other thing. It's like, there's two people arguing in me. And one of them says he should have said it by now, it's been well over a year. And the other one says, well, actions speak louder than words. And I think he loves me, he just...

• 44:11Dr. John Delony?

  Give me a couple of examples. If y'all were both unable to speak, neither of y'all had the capacity to talk, and someone said, "Does he love you?", and you had to nod yes or no.

• 44:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:25Dr. John Delony?

  What are some actions he does on a regular basis that you would go, "That guy's invested in me"? Does he fix your car? Does he change your oil? Does he pay for dinner? What does he do?

• 44:34Speaker 03

  Well, he has washed my car before without me asking. We just hug, and it feels good. And then he'll just smile. And he'll just say... I help him with his mom. His mom had to live with him recently. And it's been stressful. And he'll say, "Thank you for all your help. And you're the best thing that's happened to me in seven years."

• 45:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so I'm gonna pause you right there. Most people, especially men, do their best to love their partner in ways that it occurs to them that they would like to be loved.

• 45:21Dr. John Delony?

  Men really struggle, especially modern men, of having any sort of purpose.

• 45:28Dr. John Delony?

  So if a guy who doesn't, he doesn't use a lot of words anyway, does he? Is he a big talker or is he kind of a quiet guy?

• 45:35Speaker 03

  No, he's usually more quiet. He says he's stoic.

• 45:38Dr. John Delony?

  There you go.

• 45:38Speaker 03

  He likes to be mainly man.

• 45:40Dr. John Delony?

  So if he looks at you and says, "You have a really important purpose in my life."

• 45:48Dr. John Delony?

  That is a dream sentence he would love to hear from somebody. And so maybe his way of saying, "I love you," more than life itself right now, is looking at you saying, "You have a purpose in my life."

• 46:01Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe he's constantly embarrassed about his car being dirty.

• 46:05Dr. John Delony?

  And he goes out of his way to see somebody that he really cares about. "I'm gonna wash your car for you." The problem is, you could care less about your dumb, dirty car.

• 46:15Speaker 03

  No, I don't really care.

• 46:17Dr. John Delony?

  And for him, if you showed up and just had his car detailed, if you saved up money for a couple of months and had his car detailed, he might start sobbing.

• 46:28Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So here's the thing. When you love somebody, and this is how Hollywood has ruined us.

• 46:37Dr. John Delony?

  It's my job to give my wife a roadmap to my heart, to my spirit.

• 46:45Dr. John Delony?

  And that's a risk because she may not take that road.

• 46:51Dr. John Delony?

  But Hollywood has told us that love is mind-reading, and it's not.

• 46:58Dr. John Delony?

  Love is road-walking.

• 47:05Dr. John Delony?

  Daily practices that say, "I love you," in the way that you said, "I could best love you." The way you want to be loved. And for you, you want to hear the words, "I love you."

• 47:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, he went on a trip recently with his friends, like, four-wheeling in the Rocky Mountains, and I stayed with his mom because,

• 47:27Speaker 03

  so we could go, otherwise it couldn't go. And so we called every night and we talked and then I gave her the phone to talk to him. And before they got off the phone, he said, "Love you, Mom." And then when he got off the phone with me, he just said, "Goodnight, my name." And, and then that just really deflated me. And I was like, really sad for three days. I'm like, "Why can't you just say, 'I love you,' to me?"

• 47:47Dr. John Delony?

  I do not want my wife to say "I love you" in the same way she would tell her dad that. Right? You want to hear that word really bad?

• 48:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, once it got to like a year, I'm like, "Yeah, really?" Like,

• 48:04Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know, I know.

• 48:05Speaker 03

  "Why can't you tell me?"

• 48:06Dr. John Delony?

  I'm putting the burden on you

• 48:10Dr. John Delony?

  to tell this man that you love, A, "I love you." You do the same thing that you're so desperate for him to do for you. And here's why. Because it's not you to not say "I love you." That's who you are. And so, in this attempt to try to stay connected to him, you are squashing yourself. Don't do that. That's not what love does. Love is fully me on the table.

• 48:36Dr. John Delony?

  And then A, give him a chance to say it back. And/or B, say, "I see these nice things you do for me, and I know you care about me." Hearing the words "I love you" is really a straight arrow shot into my heart.

• 48:56Dr. John Delony?

  And that's not Hollywood, but that's real life.

• 49:02Dr. John Delony?

  And I guess my question for you, B, would you rather break up with a person that you love, that you, that you know cares for you, that you care for? Would you rather just end the relationship, never knowing?

• 49:16Dr. John Delony?

  But you didn't say, "I like to be loved in this way." Or would you rather hear the words from this man? "Oh, baby, I love you too."

• 49:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'd like to hear it.

• 49:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Then put it on the table.

• 49:30Speaker 03

  I just thought for sure he would respond to my note in the card saying, "I love you."

• 49:35Dr. John Delony?

  Nicole, notes don't count. They're just old-fashioned text messages. They don't count. They're not real.

• 49:41Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, they are real. Don't get me wrong. I love a good letter and a good note. And actually, it's easier to say "I love you" in a letter because you don't have to look at somebody's eyes and whatever. You don't have to wait for their response, right? So, yes. If he was on the phone and he said, "My girlfriend wrote me 'I love you' in a letter." And I didn't know what to... I would say, "Knucklehead, write 'I love you' back. Call her." I would tell him that, but he's not on the phone.

• 50:04Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:05Dr. John Delony?

  The bigger issue here is this. The bigger issue is you have a thing in this meaningful relationship to you that is really important to you. A want that you really love, that you really have, and you won't share it with him. I would say that's not cool. In fact, that's kind of cruel. You have cast him in a movie that he doesn't even know he's in, and you're mad at him because he doesn't know the lines.

• 50:33Dr. John Delony?

  Give him the lines that you want to hear.

• 50:36Dr. John Delony?

  Because he might tell you, "Baby, I called you every night on a four-wheeling trip out in the desert. I had to drive six miles to find a satellite phone to call you. You think I don't love you? I told you about how scared I am about mom's illness. I don't tell my guy friends that. I washed your car when I was exhausted, had any money or any time." In his head, he might be there. But give him a roadmap. Give him a roadmap. Is it sexy? I think it is, but is it...

• 51:08Dr. John Delony?

  Romeo and Juliet? No. And Romeo and Juliet was never real. It's one of the great myths of human history. Give him a roadmap. And then you've got to risk it because he might say, "I don't say those words." And then you're going to have a choice to make. But you're about to make a life-altering choice without all the information. And I would suggest putting it out there.

• 51:31Dr. John Delony?

  Imagine yourself at a table saying, "I love you. We've been together a year. It's really important to me that I hear those words back from you. I love you." And have him get up and walk around the table and pick you up and hug you so tight and say, "Oh baby, I love you."

• 51:48Dr. John Delony?

  Imagine that.

• 51:51Dr. John Delony?

  And they give yourself an opportunity for that to come true. Thanks for the call, sister. Your move. Write us back and let us know if he says it. And if he doesn't, give me his cell number. I'll call him. We'll be right back.

• 52:03Dr. John Delony?

  We talk a lot on this show about boundaries, things like emotional boundaries, relational boundaries, financial boundaries, but there's one boundary that nobody talks about, and I should talk about it more, and I don't, so I'm doing it right now. Boundaries around your digital life. Right now, your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school, is sitting on countless websites that you've never heard of. You didn't give them permission to have this information. They took it, and it's out there. And let's be honest, this is not just an annoyance. It's a violation. It creates this constant hum of anxiety in the background of our lives, knowing that every decision we make is being tracked by somebody that we don't even know about. That's why I use DeleteMe.

• 52:48Dr. John Delony?

  DeleteMe goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information without your permission. DeleteMe tracks down your information, and they remove it, and every few months, they send you a report showing you exactly what they've done. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries, and boundaries are about peace. So go to joindelete.me/deloney and use code DELONY to get 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, joindelete.me/deloney to save 20% off.

• 53:23Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Kelly 2.0. Kelly 1.0 is getting some more tattoos today. She's getting this Motley Crue tattoo down her arm. It's kind of a cover-up tattoo because she had like a Backstreet Boys thing that she tattooed in Old English back from, she was a middle schooler, she was super into them. And she was dating a tattoo artist, there's a whole thing. But she's getting it covered up with a Motley Crue tattoo. This is a big one. So Kelly 2.0 is here. What's up?

• 53:47Speaker 04

  She just sent me a photo of the tattoo and it's looking awesome.

• 53:49Dr. John Delony?

  It's looking awesome.

• 53:50Speaker 04

  So I can't wait for y'all to see it.

• 53:51Dr. John Delony?

  It's like shoulder to pinky, huh?

• 53:53Speaker 04

  It's crazy.

• 53:53Dr. John Delony?

  That's awesome.

• 53:54Speaker 04

  Okay, so we've got, "Am I the Problem?" This comes from Chrissy in Maine. She says, "Am I the problem? I've never seen legit porn on my husband's phone. However, the reels that just automatically show up on his social media are always of seductive, barely-dressed women. He says he can't help if these show up, and I've asked him to stop viewing reels, and either he has stopped watching them, or he just hides the history. I don't know which. Whenever there's a new seductive thing in the world to see, like a recent American Eagle ad, I always go to his phone and look through it to see if he's watched it. Am I self-destructing our marriage by this? Am I the problem?"

• 54:38Dr. John Delony?

  It's a both and here. Here's what that... I think there's a thing beneath the thing here. Number one, your algorithm reflects what you look at, right? And by the way, I have tons of hunting guys that I follow, and I also, I don't know, I have Poncho ads, and I follow stand-up comedians, and I follow some of my friends. And when you look at, and I love, like, obsessed with car restoration videos, when they take an old car out of the woods and they like start from scratch and rebuild it, make it awesome. And so if you take old trucks and hunting and like, you will occasionally spin one up, right? Where there's somebody, you're scrolling through this thing, and it's some scantily-clad

• 55:20Dr. John Delony?

  person, and I get the algorithm fishing, right? But if you, if you open it up and it's all scantily-clad people, it's just reflecting what you look at. So you're right. And having that conversation, the thing beneath the thing is, is having the honest conversation about, hey, here's how this makes me feel. Here's what I experience in my chest as the wife of you when I open this up and see this entire... Buffet of other scantily clad people. I feel less than. I feel not beautiful. I feel, be honest about those things. And then the other side of it is, if you constantly are telling yourself that story, if you look and see it's not there anymore, and then something about Sydney

• 56:01Dr. John Delony?

  Sweeney pops up, right? The jeans ad. Even if you're not into scantily clad people, you gotta know, like, what are you, what's all this hubbub about? We were talking about it here in the office. And so if any and all things related to any, anything involving sensuality, sexuality, news, anything, sets off your alarms, and you immediately run to justify the fact that you don't think you, you've got internal, some sort of internal struggle, and you go to find proof of it, that your picture of yourself is right via your husband, that's gonna be a recipe for disaster. It's an exhausting way to live. And so it's both and. If your husband says, hey, you're right,

• 56:45Dr. John Delony?

  I kept clicking on these scantily clad things that popped up. You're right, it's not pornography, but it's not who I want to be, and especially makes you uncomfortable, I'm out on that. I think that's a noble thing. Good for him. Good for you for having that conversation, and good for him. And on the other side, if something crazy pops up in the news, I want to know what, like, what's the hubbub about? Like, what's going on? I gotta, I got two kids. Like, I want to know what those things are. And if those things make you feel less than, I'm gonna challenge you to go sit with somebody and say, why, when American Eagle put out an ad of somebody being obviously throwback suggestive, why did I instantly, hmm, become a shell of

• 57:29Dr. John Delony?

  myself, and go looking for reasons into the world? So it's both and. Does that make sense? Is that, is that, how's that? You're newly married.

• 57:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 57:37Dr. John Delony?

  And you tell me all the time, your husband's always looking at stuff. I'm just kidding, you don't tell me that. So tell me about, like, does that make sense?

• 57:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, absolutely. And I've even, this conversation has come up for us, and for us, it's like, we have reset algorithms, or we have done the thing to communicate, like, where our priorities are. And if you do feel uncomfortable, like, we'd rather, like, you speak that out, just to free it, versus to fester into it.

• 58:05Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, yes.

• 58:06Speaker 04

  But it takes both of the bravery of saying something, but also trusting when your person... Validates and also says, here's a change I'm going to make. Whatever it is, it's a two-way street in marriage.

• 58:19Dr. John Delony?

  Here's, here's the solution, or not the solution, but the entry point. When you sit down to have these conversations, always use I-words. Not, "You've been looking at this and I see your algorithm. I saw your phone and I felt like this." And that's a good barometer for, "Am I being honest about what I'm experiencing here? Or am I looking to bomb somebody so that I can have some sense of feeling okay?" Um, use I-words. But so, I, I'm not gonna say you're the problem. I think that's, that's a harsh way to say that. I think you have some really powerful, deep insecurity feelings. And I want you to address those because you're worth walking through life trusting your partner.

• 59:01Dr. John Delony?

  Especially when you've had a hard conversation and he cleared the deck and said, "You're right. I'm gonna be somebody else. I'm gonna be a new version." If you keep hanging on to the old one, man, it's a recipe for making yourself exhausted and miserable. Thanks for the call. Love you guys. Bye.