What's Up With Your Face? w/ Ari Shaffir and Adrienne Iapalucci | YMH Ep. 785

Get tickets for Tom’s Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour SPONSORS: Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/momshouse Visit https://bluechew.com with promo code YMH to receive your first month FREE. Go to https://HelixSleep.com/YMH to get 25% off Sitewide + 2 FREE Dream Pillows with any mattress purchase and FREE Bedding Bundle with any Luxe or Elite mattress order. Head to http://acorns.com/YMH or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today! This week on Your Mom's House Podcast, Tom is joined by Ari Shaffir and comedian, Adrienne Iapalucci! The three of them discuss Adrienne's new special, which is produced by Ari and directed by Louis C. K. They then segue to Andrew Dice Clay's Instagram, before Tom opens the show with a clip of the double soul shaman doing some business on the toilet. Ari also explains what's been going on with his face and Tom formally introduces the two guests to the shaman through some of his much more popular clips. The trio also talk about New York City crowds, enjoying life, the bugs out in Texas, scammers, Ari's naked body, and all kinds of cute stuff. Plus Tom plays an extended game of Horrible or Hilarious as well. Go check it out! Your Mom’s House Ep. 785 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinaponline.com/tour-dates https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:11Tom Segura?

  Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. I am being joined by two great guests. First, I have to say the return of the big J, Ari Shaffir, and with him, celebrating the release of her new special, The Dark Queen, which is out now on Netflix. Check out Adrienne Iapalucci, everybody. Give her a hand and of course,

• 0:35Tom Segura?

  you can check out Ari's pod, You Be Tripping, every Monday.

• 0:40Tom Segura?

  So anyway, fuck your stuff. Adrienne, congratulations.

• 0:43Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, thank you.

• 0:44Tom Segura?

  On your special. You shot it at The Cellar in New York, directed by the one and only Louis CK.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  Yes, and produced by this guy.

• 0:51Speaker 02

  Produced by me. We cannot wait for this, for the anger to come.

• 0:56Tom Segura?

  Is a lot of anger coming?

• 0:57Speaker 02

  Off the jokes, off Louis. Hopefully, I'll get some, but I think I.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  I think so, you will.

• 1:03Speaker 02

  Get someone even more divisive, like, shield me.

• 1:06Tom Segura?

  That's awesome. This is exciting.

• 1:08Speaker 01

  Well, they, they asked me to cut the first six minutes because they want them to get mad right away.

• 1:13Tom Segura?

  They asked you to cut it?

• 1:14Speaker 01

  The first six minutes, because they were like, we just, we want you to get right to it.

• 1:18Tom Segura?

  Right to it.

• 1:18Speaker 02

  The first six minutes was kind of like, hi, and some jokes about her family. They're like, just go right to it.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  There was not jokes about my family at all.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Like, no jokes about my family.

• 1:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:30Tom Segura?

  But just they got, they wanted it straight to fucking, like, punching people in the mouth.

• 1:34Speaker 01

  I think so, yeah, because they were like.

• 1:35Speaker 02

  It's nice that they're not now, like, hiding away from stuff.

• 1:39Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:40Tom Segura?

  No, that's awesome. I mean, every, you know, I've known who you are, and it's from jokes that people are like.

• 1:46Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:48Speaker 01

  Oh, that's nice.

• 1:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, your, your stuff definitely makes its way around.

• 1:53Speaker 01

  Interesting. I never think anyone knows who I am.

• 1:55Tom Segura?

  Oh, absolutely. And, um, yeah, it's, it's exciting when, when somebody like you gets, gets a shot like this because, you know, that platform is still the craziest thing. I mean, Netflix is still the fucking granddaddy of them all. So that's, that's, that's awesome that you're going to be there.

• 2:11Speaker 01

  I'm excited. I hope, I hope people are upset. I hope some people like it, but I hope, you know.

• 2:16Tom Segura?

  Let me tell you something. They are gonna do it.

• 2:18Speaker 01

  I know they're gonna do it.

• 2:19Tom Segura?

  And I've experienced

• 2:21Speaker 01

  I know you have.

• 2:22Tom Segura?

  Rage and and an outrage and it is coming.

• 2:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:27Tom Segura?

  You're gonna get it. But here's the thing. I think there's something about the fact that like, this is not, you're not some fucking 22 year old damsel in distress who's like, la la la, everything's fine. You know what you do.

• 2:42Speaker 01

  Nothing's fine.

• 2:42Tom Segura?

  You know, but like, you know. So I think when it, when it comes, you're gonna be like, oh, that, look, it's here.

• 2:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, that was the point.

• 2:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're gonna see it.

• 2:49Speaker 02

  It's funny watching people like walk out sometimes at the cellar and and they'll be like, you're terrible. And she just, she just goes, you're not wrong.

• 2:57Speaker 01

  Remember the one?

• 2:58Speaker 02

  It's fine.

• 2:59Speaker 01

  The one taping that Louis wanted to do, he was like, we should do a show where nobody knows you're before, like, doing a special.

• 3:05Tom Segura?

  Uh huh.

• 3:06Speaker 01

  And it was the worst show.

• 3:08Speaker 02

  Like a regular cellar crowd, you'll just do it out.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  They had no idea I'm headlining and taping a special. So it's just regular people and it was so bad.

• 3:17Speaker 02

  They wouldn't leave.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:19Tom Segura?

  And this was taped or no? This was like?

• 3:21Speaker 01

  We taped four of them and one of them.

• 3:22Tom Segura?

  But that was one of them.

• 3:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. And that was the worst one.

• 3:24Tom Segura?

  You're not, are you using that?

• 3:25Speaker 02

  Not at all.

• 3:26Speaker 01

  No, but it would be funny to put like the special next to that.

• 3:30Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 3:31Speaker 01

  Cause there's one, remember Louis was like, there was one joke he did and someone was like, this is terrible. And then on the

• 3:37Speaker 02

  You can hear it.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  Right. And on the other show, someone was like, here we go. It's just two different vibes.

• 3:42Tom Segura?

  I mean, it just shows you too, because it's like, you know, when people uh celebrate or or like uh announce who they don't like.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 3:52Tom Segura?

  And you kind of just go like, yeah, dude, this really is all subjective though. This is taste. Because there are people who's their favorite, favorite, and they'll, they're adamant and they're passionate about it. Comic is like, you know, like a really clean comic and you go, yeah, that's, that's who you like. Or, you know, they, or they like somebody really, really dark. It just

• 4:09Speaker 01

  It's just not for you or it is for you.

• 4:11Tom Segura?

  Exactly. It's like going, I always thought it was like going to the movies. Like when you go to the movies, you see 12 titles up or whatever, right? And it's like, well, the, you know, the, the PG thing that you're like, I don't want to see that bullshit. It's like, yeah, that's not for you, but

• 4:24Speaker 01

  Right. It's for someone else.

• 4:26Tom Segura?

  Wants to see it. And that's the same thing with stand up.

• 4:28Speaker 02

  These British Indian people were outside after that show and she was changing, getting ready for the next day. And I just hear, I don't know why they stayed the whole show, but at the end, and they were just still out there talking. He goes, she deserves to be canceled.

• 4:43Tom Segura?

  That's pretty awesome.

• 4:44Speaker 02

  I was like, agent, hold up upstairs one second.

• 4:45Speaker 01

  But remember Louis was like, we should do all of them like that at first. And I was like, I'm not for like, that's not smart.

• 4:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  Not for like, I don't think that's.

• 4:54Tom Segura?

  I also think that actually like as a one off, that's kind of a fun experiment.

• 4:59Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 4:59Tom Segura?

  But for the joy, part of the joy of performing is not, you know, you want people that there that are having a good time.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 5:07Tom Segura?

  For the most part, right? I mean, like, if I was like, here's the cool thing. You're gonna bomb, but like over and over. You want to do it?

• 5:14Speaker 01

  And we're gonna, but we're gonna tape it also.

• 5:17Tom Segura?

  And that's how the world will know you.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:20Tom Segura?

  It's like, I don't know. I'd like to have a good time.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  Sure. Or at least little moments that aren't as.

• 5:27Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  And but overall, yeah, but that show was like, I felt like I was tap dancing for retards. That's what I wanted to call the special because you're up there and you're like trying these like number, they just weren't into me.

• 5:39Tom Segura?

  Cause I think like, so there's, there's a couple of types of shows that are the most fun. I think obviously like a super hot crowd where you just murder. That's fun. Everyone like has, you know, no, no one like turns that down.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 5:52Tom Segura?

  But the other type of show that's kind of fun is when you go out there and you, you get some resistance. But they don't like, they don't go, I'm out. They just, and you get to like lean in to what you're doing more. And by you leaning in, they kind of break like they just, and you kind of like win them over. Those are also very fun types of shows to do.

• 6:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, I like that show better.

• 6:17Tom Segura?

  I think it's a.

• 6:18Speaker 02

  I like that better. You're trying, you're getting them to laugh at shit. They clearly don't want to laugh.

• 6:20Tom Segura?

  Because here's the thing, you have to be a little, you have to be a little more in the moment for that. You are.

• 6:25Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 6:25Tom Segura?

  You're more aware.

• 6:27Speaker 01

  The last show I did was so killer like that where I go, this is boring.

• 6:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:32Speaker 01

  But the night before I was like, man, I'm really struggling. So it's like.

• 6:35Tom Segura?

  That's fun.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:36Speaker 02

  We saw when Louis came back and there was all this like hatred and like ideas around him, you know, like, well, I want my money back. If he's out there, I don't feel safe. Like he's gonna run off the stage and just fucking nosedive a dick in the air. But like, but like, so there's this lady we see on security camera like this, like so mad. Her husband boyfriend's into it. And then like five minutes in, you remember this? And five minutes in, she goes.

• 7:00Speaker 02

  And then like six minutes in, she's like, trying to be mad. And by the end, she's just like, oh, this guy's actually, this guy rules. She's just dying laughing.

• 7:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah, people want to be outraged. It'll be fun, I was just thinking, for promo, to get like, like, individual people in like a montage, talking about how much they want you canceled or hate you.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  That would be fun.

• 7:24Tom Segura?

  That'd be a very fun promo.

• 7:25Speaker 01

  I like that.

• 7:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, maybe you do like some type of screening, do like, hey, we're doing a screening.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, like in an old age home.

• 7:33Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 7:35Speaker 01

  I feel like an old age home wouldn't even be that bad.

• 7:37Tom Segura?

  Wouldn't be that bad. You, the cool thing would be if you screen it somewhere, but you offer, don't just say free screening, like you also, you get like, the food and drink and like some type of, people love free shit. You get this, some type of gift, and then people are like, okay, and they watch, and then you just get to go like, what'd you think, what'd you think, and people say that shit like, she deserves to be canceled. That would be fun.

• 7:59Speaker 02

  So funny.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  That was really funny, and that lady did stay the whole show.

• 8:02Speaker 02

  She stayed the whole show and then hung out afterwards, for like thirty minutes she was out there.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  I think someone said they were like, they really didn't like her, or they really hated her.

• 8:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I had a fun one, I did my Australia tour on the last tour, and on each, we toured most of the country. There's a opening bit that I did that like, sometimes you would just hear, like, what's going on? And then yelling, and they're yelling about, and walking out, you know, yelling as they walk out. Because of how offended they were, and it made its way back to friends who were, I mean, I was sure they're texting me, like, dude, what's going on?

• 8:41Speaker 01

  But don't people know, like, your comedy, like, I'm not really known, so like, I understand people coming and be like, oh, this is, they think they're coming to support a woman.

• 8:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 8:50Speaker 01

  And then they're like upset.

• 8:51Tom Segura?

  I thought this was gonna be a woman.

• 8:53Speaker 01

  This is not the text.

• 8:54Speaker 02

  What's your period jokes?

• 8:56Speaker 01

  Like, this is not what we thought, but I would think your fans, like, your fans know you.

• 9:00Tom Segura?

  I think what happens is like, when you get into certain sized rooms too, like when the room is big, you get a bunch. A people who are like you say, and then you just get people going, especially if you're overseas, they go, oh, there's like a touring.

• 9:14Speaker 02

  An American.

• 9:14Tom Segura?

  Comedy. I've heard this is good and they just good. They take a chance.

• 9:19Speaker 02

  Dice said he still gets people walking out of them.

• 9:21Tom Segura?

  Which is.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  That's.

• 9:22Speaker 02

  And it's like they haven't done the research.

• 9:24Tom Segura?

  And I've said this by like a million times, his Instagram is the funniest thing that I enjoy that so much. That he's just like, people are just sitting there. He's like, big shot with your shirt off.

• 9:39Tom Segura?

  And they just look and they're like, what? And he's like, you take, you get into tan? And they're like, what? He's like, your shirt's off, you get into tan? And they're like, I don't know, man.

• 9:49Speaker 02

  I guess, what?

• 9:50Tom Segura?

  It's so fucking great.

• 9:52Speaker 02

  You want, you're the one who wants the picture?

• 9:54Speaker 03

  Chad, old school getting the tan. Right?

• 9:58Speaker 02

  Right?

• 9:59Speaker 03

  Old school like Brooklyn getting the tan.

• 10:04Speaker 03

  The tan, you getting a tan, the sun.

• 10:09Speaker 03

  The hand? Who, what?

• 10:14Speaker 03

  Sun tan.

• 10:17Speaker 03

  Old school, like, you know, like we used to do in Brooklyn. You know what I mean?

• 10:23Speaker 02

  Did Smash Mouth comment on this?

• 10:25Speaker 03

  I'll be here.

• 10:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I'll be here. This shit dude, I can watch him do this shit.

• 10:31Speaker 02

  He's just fucking with people's day and they don't get it at the point because there is none.

• 10:35Tom Segura?

  There's nothing funnier to me than like somebody going like, you want an autograph?

• 10:41Speaker 01

  I don't even know who you are.

• 10:42Tom Segura?

  And like an autograph.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  Were you the one?

• 10:44Tom Segura?

  You wouldn't pitch, you want the picture with me? And he's like, they're like, I don't know.

• 10:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're just talking to somebody.

• 10:50Tom Segura?

  So funny dude.

• 10:53Speaker 03

  You want to weigh in with the James addiction thing, the, uh, the video? Was it real?

• 11:02Speaker 03

  You don't know. Did, did you see it with the?

• 11:06Speaker 02

  Ignoring him.

• 11:07Speaker 03

  Cause the whole and oats thing is all, but they don't even talk about them.

• 11:14Tom Segura?

  There's also something so fucking amazing about how New Yorkers

• 11:19Speaker 02

  New York.

• 11:19Tom Segura?

  Handle like a crazy person.

• 11:22Speaker 02

  Ignore.

• 11:22Speaker 01

  Ignore.

• 11:23Tom Segura?

  Ignore is like, it's built into you guys.

• 11:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:26Tom Segura?

  You know, because you've just, your whole, you don't even realize how many people have done this to you because you're just so used to it. Whereas when you do it, like if you did it like here, someone would be like, they would live with this story. This fucking person came up to me today, you know, and like.

• 11:40Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, you ignore everyone.

• 11:41Tom Segura?

  But you guys have just it all the time.

• 11:44Speaker 02

  I had somebody at the store, I was going back after living in New York for like five years, at the patio and some guy goes, some black guy goes, uh, he asked me for a dime. I was like, no, man, no.

• 11:53Speaker 01

  A dime?

• 11:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's like, you got a dime, meaning like you have any money?

• 11:56Speaker 01

  No.

• 11:56Speaker 02

  And I was like, no. And he's like, really? And I'm like, come on, man. And he goes, you can't just give me the time? And I was like, oh, I thought you wanted money. And he was just like, yeah, I'm not that, what? I'm not that kind of black guy.

• 12:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 12:08Speaker 02

  I'm just some dude who wants to know what time it is.

• 12:10Tom Segura?

  I just don't know if I'm late right now. You fucking Jew? Jesus.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  It's weird to ask for a dime, though. No one says that.

• 12:17Speaker 02

  Well, he said, do you have the time?

• 12:19Speaker 01

  I know if most person asked me for fifty dollars.

• 12:21Speaker 02

  Fifty dollars?

• 12:22Speaker 01

  And I was like, that's crazy.

• 12:24Tom Segura?

  That's a big ass.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  And he's like, how about five? And I was like, still no.

• 12:27Tom Segura?

  No.

• 12:28Speaker 02

  I love their plans. They're like, I'm gonna change the game.

• 12:31Tom Segura?

  Starting hot, though.

• 12:31Speaker 01

  It got my attention, though.

• 12:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 12:33Speaker 01

  Fifty.

• 12:33Tom Segura?

  Hey, man, you got fifty bucks?

• 12:36Speaker 01

  It's a wild ask.

• 12:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah?

• 12:37Speaker 02

  What do you need?

• 12:38Tom Segura?

  I mean, I do. I do.

• 12:40Speaker 02

  I have a fifty. It'd be perfect.

• 12:42Tom Segura?

  It's exactly what you need.

• 12:44Speaker 02

  Yeah. What's this for?

• 12:46Tom Segura?

  It's crazy. Oh, wait, I should play our opening clip. Sorry. Let me see if, um, you want.

• 12:50Speaker 04

  Yes, I want to put your headphones on for these.

• 12:51Tom Segura?

  You put cans on? Do you mind?

• 12:53Speaker 02

  Cans, whoa.

• 12:54Tom Segura?

  Right? It's a big industry term.

• 12:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:56Tom Segura?

  You're in show business. You get it.

• 12:59Speaker 05

  I ended up having a little too much kefir. Sometimes I get addicted to it, so.

• 13:06Speaker 05

  Oh, let's see, let's have a look.

• 13:12Speaker 02

  What?

• 13:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's actually not too bad.

• 13:15Tom Segura?

  I got more for him. Just one second. I'm gonna give you some more.

• 13:18Speaker 02

  What's the patch? What?

• 13:21Speaker 06

  Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura.

• 13:30Speaker 06

  And Christina Piszczk.

• 13:34Speaker 06

  Welcome to your mom's house.

• 13:39Tom Segura?

  Do you recognize him?

• 13:40Speaker 02

  No, why does he have a patch that he's not using? Is that for later?

• 13:44Tom Segura?

  That eye looks a little infected.

• 13:48Tom Segura?

  So.

• 13:51Speaker 02

  How long does this theme song go on for?

• 13:53Tom Segura?

  Like two minutes.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  Oh, okay. It's just a guitar solo?

• 13:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah. I can't believe how many people don't know this. It's fucking upsetting.

• 14:00Speaker 02

  This is incredibly long. This shouldn't be this long.

• 14:03Tom Segura?

  Exactly.

• 14:03Speaker 02

  Why are you doing it this long? It's over so long ago. There's nothing even added. You're just doing new of the same.

• 14:10Tom Segura?

  It's a repeat of it, yeah.

• 14:11Speaker 02

  It's infuriating.

• 14:12Tom Segura?

  That's exactly why we did it.

• 14:13Speaker 02

  It's done. It was done right away.

• 14:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know.

• 14:16Speaker 02

  And I mean, this is like a mislead to begin with. You think you're in a sketch and it's just part of the opening.

• 14:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Pretty cool.

• 14:23Speaker 02

  No, that's awful. Why was that allowed? Head should roll.

• 14:27Tom Segura?

  There's a.

• 14:27Speaker 02

  Oh. It's unsettling. No, Isaac, okay.

• 14:31Tom Segura?

  This is acapella version.

• 14:47Speaker 02

  Too long!

• 14:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's long.

• 14:57Tom Segura?

  We haven't even talked about your face, first of all, which is the craziest thing in the world. What's going on? Why are you two-faced? What is this?

• 15:03Speaker 02

  It was for the elections. I want totogetherness.

• 15:05Tom Segura?

  For the election?

• 15:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, I want people being separated. So I think half the country was just put at the Mississippi.

• 15:13Tom Segura?

  Who are you voting for?

• 15:14Speaker 02

  What?

• 15:15Tom Segura?

  Who are you voting for?

• 15:16Speaker 02

  Overthrow 2024.

• 15:17Tom Segura?

  Fuck, yeah. Anarchy.

• 15:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:19Tom Segura?

  It's totally Ari style.

• 15:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, I went to keep it for the election.

• 15:23Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 15:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, me and Bobby Kelly.

• 15:25Tom Segura?

  Have you been to Havana?

• 15:26Speaker 02

  No, have you?

• 15:27Tom Segura?

  I've been to Gitmo.

• 15:29Speaker 02

  Oh, so like.

• 15:31Tom Segura?

  Fuck it.

• 15:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, got info.

• 15:33Tom Segura?

  Give this Haji the business.

• 15:34Speaker 02

  Yeah. He's gonna torture Chambers.

• 15:37Tom Segura?

  I probably could have. They were so stoked when I was there. They were like.

• 15:40Speaker 02

  Did you really go there? USO?

• 15:41Tom Segura?

  I went to do shows, yeah. But they were just, I'm sure if I would have been like, can I hit one? They'd be like, yeah.

• 15:46Speaker 02

  Of course, that's the thing to do here. It's like, it's like.

• 15:50Tom Segura?

  So cool that you're here.

• 15:51Speaker 02

  The Australian shoeies.

• 15:52Tom Segura?

  You wanna kick somebody?

• 15:53Speaker 01

  I mean, that's the reason to go.

• 15:55Speaker 02

  At minimum, they've been associated with someone, a terrorist. Yeah.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  I would like to talk to them.

• 16:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah?

• 16:00Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm. I don't know where Cuba is either.

• 16:04Speaker 01

  I just got on a plane, right? It's not like I have to drive.

• 16:06Tom Segura?

  Wait, do you have a zero reference for where it is?

• 16:08Speaker 01

  I assume it's south.

• 16:10Tom Segura?

  Take it. How far do you think it is? Cause this is interesting.

• 16:13Speaker 01

  From where? From here?

• 16:15Tom Segura?

  Just, well.

• 16:15Speaker 02

  Describe where it is.

• 16:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, just describe.

• 16:18Speaker 01

  I think Florida's here and then it's like around there.

• 16:21Speaker 02

  Alright.

• 16:22Tom Segura?

  That's pretty good.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 16:23Tom Segura?

  That's pretty good. You did it. Actually, you're right. Yeah, it's about ninety miles.

• 16:26Speaker 01

  Oh, I didn't know it was that close.

• 16:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:28Speaker 02

  You could swim it.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  You could swim it.

• 16:31Tom Segura?

  And where's Chile?

• 16:33Speaker 02

  We already went over this.

• 16:34Speaker 01

  South America.

• 16:35Tom Segura?

  Hey! Where did you think before we discussed where it was?

• 16:38Speaker 01

  Eh, somewhere brown.

• 16:40Tom Segura?

  Somewhere brown. It is?

• 16:42Speaker 01

  In the south.

• 16:43Tom Segura?

  But here's the thing. They have a pretty, they have a lot of whites, the Chileans.

• 16:47Speaker 01

  Disgusting.

• 16:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:49Speaker 01

  I'd be upset if I went there and there was white people.

• 16:51Tom Segura?

  Oh, really?

• 16:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:52Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah. There's like, the more prideful arrogant nations in South America are Chile and Argentina. And it's because they have so many whites.

• 17:03Speaker 02

  They think they're better.

• 17:04Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  I thought Argentina, but I wouldn't think Chile. I thought Chile was like Mexico.

• 17:09Tom Segura?

  No, Chile, well, see, Chile had a really, a big economic boom, like twenty, twenty-five years ago. And so they have like, their downtown is like, it looks like a very cosmopolitan Santiago. Santiago, yeah.

• 17:23Speaker 01

  Do they have like a podcast boom there?

• 17:24Tom Segura?

  They have a, I don't know if they have a podcast boom, but they, they have money, they have money. And they had a real money swing, even though it's not as good now.

• 17:32Speaker 02

  Where'd they get money from?

• 17:33Speaker 01

  Maybe I will go there.

• 17:34Tom Segura?

  From that huge.

• 17:35Speaker 02

  Oil?

• 17:37Tom Segura?

  I forget what the.

• 17:37Speaker 02

  Damn, it looks nice.

• 17:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's very nice.

• 17:39Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 17:40Speaker 02

  You've been?

• 17:40Tom Segura?

  I've been, yeah.

• 17:41Speaker 02

  Did you?

• 17:41Speaker 01

  Would like to go there.

• 17:42Speaker 02

  Latin American tour yet?

• 17:43Tom Segura?

  I did, I did a show there.

• 17:44Speaker 02

  In Spanish?

• 17:46Tom Segura?

  I did, the way that I did it, I did the hour and then I would close on like twenty to thirty minutes of Spanish. I didn't want to advertise it as such. You get more people, they said, doing. Wait, what? They're like, if they know you, they know you as an English speaking.

• 18:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:02Tom Segura?

  So.

• 18:03Speaker 02

  Oh, right. Yeah.

• 18:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah. So they'd be like, wait, what? Why is he coming to do that? Anyway, it was great. Now, this guy I wanted to show you.

• 18:09Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 18:10Tom Segura?

  That reminds me a lot of you.

• 18:12Speaker 05

  In this episode of What Does the Wild Naked Man Drink? I'm gonna fill this beautiful.

• 18:17Speaker 02

  Great. I love it.

• 18:18Speaker 05

  jar with my.

• 18:19Speaker 02

  See, I knew. Smart, big opening. That's something that'll get a lot of people. Small opening.

• 18:25Speaker 05

  Especially after some amazing working out or going for a run or pumping some iron.

• 18:31Speaker 02

  The mic technique is great.

• 18:32Speaker 05

  It's a form of biofeedback and it's a form of self-love. When I drink my own piss.

• 18:36Speaker 02

  Oh, come on, dude. Come on.

• 18:38Speaker 05

  I get this enhanced benefit of self-approval and self-acceptance.

• 18:40Speaker 02

  Come on.

• 18:41Tom Segura?

  Come on, what?

• 18:42Speaker 02

  Come on, don't drink it.

• 18:43Speaker 05

  That's all.

• 18:44Tom Segura?

  You don't want to feel that?

• 18:45Speaker 02

  You gotta run it through a Brita first or something.

• 18:48Tom Segura?

  I don't know, man. It's like.

• 18:49Speaker 01

  No, it's organic.

• 18:50Speaker 02

  He drinks this all the time.

• 18:51Speaker 05

  So no wonder the yogis have been doing it for over 5,000 years.

• 18:54Speaker 01

  That's a lot of piss.

• 18:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:57Speaker 05

  Everything that's bad for us, like injecting heavy metals and aborted fetal cells right into your body. Is made to seem good. And everything that's good for us, like drinking your piss, is made to seem bad. We live in an inverted clam world.

• 19:10Speaker 02

  Pause for a second.

• 19:11Speaker 01

  I don't believe it's piss. He didn't show us.

• 19:13Tom Segura?

  He didn't show us.

• 19:14Speaker 02

  He didn't show us.

• 19:14Speaker 01

  And there's a lot coming out.

• 19:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:16Speaker 02

  I, I, there's no, he didn't seem like it's too hot or warm, but also like, anything that's bad for us. And he said, what? Like, like shooting us up with aborted baby fetus?

• 19:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:27Speaker 02

  As if that's just a casual thing everyone does?

• 19:29Tom Segura?

  Everyone does that. Yeah. He does.

• 19:32Speaker 05

  In my live workshops, we do a beautiful cock exercise. And this is actually inspired by a guy named Darius Bishar.

• 19:39Speaker 02

  I hope they run trades.

• 19:42Speaker 05

  Basically.

• 19:43Speaker 02

  What, what? Three different dicks?

• 19:46Tom Segura?

  They are different.

• 19:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:47Speaker 01

  They all look the same to me.

• 19:49Speaker 02

  God, I hope an alligator runs out of there and just eats one off.

• 19:51Speaker 05

  You love your penis, your self-esteem builds up.

• 19:53Tom Segura?

  See that? You love your penis.

• 19:55Speaker 02

  I do. You have pretty high self-esteem.

• 19:58Tom Segura?

  You have a good self-esteem.

• 19:59Speaker 05

  And then, how about we go first? So we're gonna.

• 20:02Speaker 02

  Please don't touch dicks.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  I hope they do.

• 20:05Tom Segura?

  Adrienne's gonna get her wish pretty soon.

• 20:12Speaker 02

  Oh, I mean.

• 20:18Speaker 02

  Oh, come on.

• 20:21Speaker 01

  Wait, how come the other guy's not in there?

• 20:22Speaker 02

  He's rubbing it back and forth in their leg.

• 20:25Tom Segura?

  I think the most upsetting part of this would be like if we were doing this, just know

• 20:29Speaker 02

  We're never gonna do this.

• 20:30Tom Segura?

  That the head of your dick was on my thigh, I'd be like, god damn it, I know it's there.

• 20:34Speaker 01

  You wouldn't do that.

• 20:36Speaker 02

  No way.

• 20:37Tom Segura?

  No way, says the guy that took a shit on stage.

• 20:40Speaker 02

  Okay, let's do it. You're right.

• 20:43Speaker 02

  Let's go, Tom.

• 20:43Tom Segura?

  No, no, no, no, stop, stop, stop.

• 20:44Speaker 02

  Let's go.

• 20:45Tom Segura?

  Why did you shit on stage?

• 20:47Speaker 02

  What?

• 20:47Tom Segura?

  I feel like it's just such a-

• 20:48Speaker 01

  Because what else can he do?

• 20:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:50Speaker 01

  There's like, next year, you're gonna have to-

• 20:52Tom Segura?

  You had to shit?

• 20:52Speaker 02

  I was had to take a shit, I was on antibiotics.

• 20:54Tom Segura?

  And how many people are in the room while you shit?

• 20:56Speaker 02

  A hundred, hundred twenty, hundred fifty?

• 20:58Tom Segura?

  Was it a healthy shit?

• 21:00Speaker 01

  It looked like elephant round, like it was huge.

• 21:03Tom Segura?

  It was huge?

• 21:04Speaker 02

  A lot of people were saying it was extremely bloody, but I say less bloody than normal.

• 21:08Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  I say a moderate level of blood.

• 21:10Tom Segura?

  Oh, wiping? No wiping?

• 21:12Speaker 02

  What?

• 21:12Tom Segura?

  No wiping?

• 21:13Speaker 02

  I wiped and threw it in the audience.

• 21:17Speaker 02

  That wasn't the plan, but once I had wiped and I had a wipe, I was like, oh now, it's like when there's a gun in a scene, you know? You can't take the gun out. You always notice there's a gun.

• 21:25Tom Segura?

  What is wrong with him?

• 21:27Speaker 01

  His shits are really, he showed me a picture once that looks like strawberry chocolate cake or something.

• 21:34Speaker 02

  I've eaten a lot of gummy bears, spicy gummy bears.

• 21:37Tom Segura?

  You've seen, you've seen the, the hemorrhoid?

• 21:41Speaker 01

  I don't think I've seen your hemorrhoid.

• 21:43Speaker 02

  It's not out right now.

• 21:45Speaker 01

  Thank god.

• 21:46Tom Segura?

  You've never seen a video of it?

• 21:47Speaker 01

  I don't think so.

• 21:49Speaker 02

  Can you find it?

• 21:50Tom Segura?

  Of course they could find it.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  I mean, he's, he showed me like his ass tampons, and I'd have to be like, don't, don't put that on me.

• 21:57Tom Segura?

  Don't put that on me. A normal thing to say to a friend.

• 22:00Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 22:00Tom Segura?

  Don't put your ass tampon on.

• 22:02Speaker 02

  I would have eventually. We're friends enough where it's like, you would have, you would have got it.

• 22:06Tom Segura?

  Would you go to a, one of his clinics?

• 22:10Speaker 02

  This part would be hard.

• 22:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:13Speaker 02

  Would you?

• 22:14Tom Segura?

  That'd be tough.

• 22:15Speaker 01

  But their dicks aren't even-

• 22:16Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 22:17Speaker 01

  Oh, is he-

• 22:17Speaker 02

  No, how is this part of self-love? This is just gay. This whole thing-

• 22:20Tom Segura?

  No.

• 22:28Speaker 01

  There's a movie like, oh no, there's a movie where the guy is like sucking his own dick.

• 22:35Speaker 01

  That's not that good.

• 22:36Speaker 02

  Just jizz in a cup and drink it.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  What is this guy's deal?

• 22:43Tom Segura?

  Well, here, listen.

• 22:46Tom Segura?

  He says something important here.

• 22:47Speaker 02

  Oh, he's been like, my dog, that's a treat.

• 22:54Speaker 04

  Enjoying the taste of it. I'm shameless, I'm fearless, I'm doubtless.

• 22:58Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 23:00Speaker 02

  Is this Lena Dunham?

• 23:03Speaker 04

  Want to get all of it out, you don't want to waste any of it.

• 23:05Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 23:06Speaker 02

  I mean, he's a Jew too.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  If he really loved himself, he would suck his own dick though.

• 23:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:14Speaker 02

  He's trying.

• 23:15Tom Segura?

  He's definitely trying.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  He's doing everything he can do.

• 23:17Speaker 01

  But he's not.

• 23:18Speaker 02

  He's not. If he really loved himself.

• 23:20Speaker 01

  If I met him, that's what I would tell him.

• 23:21Speaker 02

  That you, what?

• 23:23Speaker 01

  If you really loved yourself, you'd suck your own dick. Get some of your ribs taken out.

• 23:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:31Speaker 02

  These guys come to you? No.

• 23:32Tom Segura?

  He came here, he came in the studio.

• 23:34Speaker 01

  Was he naked?

• 23:35Tom Segura?

  He tried to, and we were like, no. So he did it in his underwear.

• 23:39Speaker 02

  What do you mean? Jizz in his underwear?

• 23:41Tom Segura?

  No, he didn't jizz, he just did the show.

• 23:42Speaker 02

  He did the show in his underwear.

• 23:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but he was like, can I be naked? And we were like, I don't think so.

• 23:46Speaker 02

  I'd rather not.

• 23:48Tom Segura?

  There's nice ladies that work here.

• 23:53Speaker 02

  I'm surprised your staff hasn't seen something. I, I'm surprised I haven't stepped over a line yet here.

• 23:58Tom Segura?

  You?

• 23:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:59Tom Segura?

  Let's keep it like that.

• 24:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm trying, but, no, no, you don't get to shake your head no. It's just for the girls.

• 24:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:06Speaker 01

  So what is this guy's thing when he comes on your podcast? What is he talking about?

• 24:09Tom Segura?

  Because he's.

• 24:11Speaker 02

  The fact that you don't have a jar of his cum is a shortcoming on your part.

• 24:14Tom Segura?

  He, you know, the first thing we saw before even, I don't know if we saw piss first, it was like, he would do this kind of stuff, you know, like.

• 24:23Speaker 05

  So I just went for a run, did some workouts, some pushups. I'm just pulling back my foreskin and I'm just waving my hummus cannon around, that shroom, I'm sniffing.

• 24:34Speaker 05

  And there's a very subtle pheromonal primal secretion of apocrine pheromones underneath the foreskin and from the sides of the glands and. The, uh, what's it called? The scrotal sack? And it's really interesting because in ancient Sparta, the men were constantly working out with their foreskins forward.

• 24:52Tom Segura?

  I find it.

• 24:53Speaker 01

  I think he's making this stuff up.

• 24:55Speaker 02

  He, he sounds scientific, though.

• 24:57Tom Segura?

  He does. And like in this one right here, like he was citing such specifics. We would, we would play it till and kind of enjoy it. And then when we were in here with him, I was like, this thing like.

• 25:08Speaker 05

  So cute and funny and kind of annoying that so many modern menswear leaders base their branding off of like Spartan culture. And they call it the modern warrior journal or, you know, we're the, we're the Samurai Brotherhood, you know? Uh, yeah, they never get naked. They never do ball cupping rituals. They never see each other's cocks.

• 25:34Speaker 02

  That is crazy.

• 25:35Tom Segura?

  That's crazy. So this was like the how we discovered them. These videos, we were like, this is hilarious.

• 25:41Speaker 02

  Is he still, does he go home for Thanksgiving?

• 25:43Tom Segura?

  He does. So when he was, he's, he's very sincere. He's a very sincere guy. Like when, when he's, when he's out here, he's, you could tell that like, he really means this stuff. And, and I was like, you know, I think he's used to the reaction that we all have to it. And he just goes on. I mean, he, he.

• 26:00Speaker 05

  When really they could be leeching good, high vibrational brotherhood vibrations into each other's ball sacks through cupping, which is exactly what the Spartans did. You know, if you claim to be like a Spartan Samurai Brotherhood, it's like the Samurai were sniffing each other's balls.

• 26:19Speaker 02

  What?

• 26:20Speaker 01

  I've never heard of that. You never, yeah, but you'd never hear this stuff.

• 26:23Speaker 05

  Animal skins.

• 26:25Speaker 02

  I saw the entire run of the show, Shogun, and that never came up.

• 26:30Tom Segura?

  No, you missed it. You didn't. It was episode three.

• 26:32Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 26:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there's a lot of that.

• 26:34Speaker 01

  Does this guy have like a job?

• 26:35Tom Segura?

  Uh, I think he has an OnlyFans.

• 26:38Speaker 01

  I'd love for this guy to be in the workplace.

• 26:40Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 26:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, I gotta go to the bathroom before I can make a video.

• 26:44Tom Segura?

  And I think because he's in Canada, you know, when like the person goes, I don't feel comfortable with this as my coworker. In Canada, they'd be like, you know what? You're fired for complaining about him. So they're, they're never gonna.

• 26:55Speaker 02

  We need to normalize jizzing in our own faces.

• 26:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Why are we making it such, why are you being such a fucking?

• 27:00Speaker 02

  So backwards.

• 27:01Tom Segura?

  So sensitive about it, man.

• 27:03Speaker 01

  I'd never want that guy to drink out of any of my cups.

• 27:07Speaker 01

  You're like, please don't touch any of my stuff.

• 27:09Speaker 02

  What did you have your mouth on?

• 27:11Speaker 01

  Don't use my spoon.

• 27:13Tom Segura?

  Wait, are you're you're New Yorker through and through, right? Where did you grow up in the in New York?

• 27:17Speaker 01

  In the Bronx.

• 27:18Tom Segura?

  In the Bronx? And did you start just like going to mics like people do in the city? How did you start?

• 27:25Speaker 01

  My mom was doing stand up.

• 27:28Tom Segura?

  What?

• 27:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:30Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 27:31Speaker 01

  She did stand up on and off throughout like my life and then she took me to a open mic.

• 27:38Tom Segura?

  No shit. How old were you?

• 27:40Speaker 01

  Twenty six.

• 27:41Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 27:42Speaker 02

  Oh, I pictured you as like when Homer took his kid to the bar.

• 27:45Tom Segura?

  Does your mom still do stand up?

• 27:46Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 27:48Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 27:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, she was on Fallon.

• 27:51Speaker 02

  What?

• 27:52Speaker 01

  They had like Nana Week or something, so she got in as like a grandmom. Did she stand up?

• 27:57Speaker 02

  What?

• 27:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:59Speaker 02

  I've never been on Fallon.

• 28:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:02Tom Segura?

  Recently?

• 28:04Speaker 01

  During the pandemic.

• 28:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's not that long ago.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  Couple of years ago.

• 28:07Speaker 02

  What what's your mom go by?

• 28:10Speaker 01

  What do you mean, what does she go by?

• 28:11Speaker 02

  What's her name?

• 28:12Tom Segura?

  Name.

• 28:14Speaker 02

  Mama.

• 28:16Speaker 01

  Debbie Bazza.

• 28:18Speaker 02

  Do you not want to say it? Do you not want to talk about it?

• 28:19Speaker 01

  No, I mean, we already just did. I don't care.

• 28:22Tom Segura?

  What? But that's so like, do you? Do you get to have? You know, the best part of this shit is like comic conversations, right?

• 28:31Speaker 01

  But my my mom will be jealous like a comic. I remember I got something one time. She was like, how did you get that?

• 28:39Tom Segura?

  Your own mom?

• 28:39Speaker 01

  My own mom, yeah.

• 28:41Tom Segura?

  Hilarious. So what'd you think of your special coming up?

• 28:44Speaker 01

  Um.

• 28:45Tom Segura?

  Good for you.

• 28:46Speaker 01

  No, she was she was happy for me.

• 28:48Tom Segura?

  That's good.

• 28:48Speaker 01

  She was happy for me.

• 28:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  But.

• 28:51Speaker 02

  Did she ever give you advice on how to write a joke?

• 28:54Speaker 01

  No.

• 28:55Tom Segura?

  I'm assuming you have very different styles.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  We do, but you know what's funny? My mom is actually pretty dirty. I'm not really dirty. I'm more dark, but my mom is like kind of dirty. She'll do a lot of like the urban rooms. And she's like a dirtier comic than me.

• 29:07Tom Segura?

  No shit?

• 29:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:08Tom Segura?

  That's unbelievable.

• 29:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:10Tom Segura?

  And so she's been at it for a long time.

• 29:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, but she takes breaks.

• 29:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:14Speaker 01

  You know?

• 29:15Speaker 02

  Like year long breaks?

• 29:16Tom Segura?

  And how long have you been at it now?

• 29:18Speaker 01

  Twenty years.

• 29:19Tom Segura?

  Twenty years. Fucking eight.

• 29:22Speaker 01

  Long time, yeah.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  She's like a, like a East Coast Holtzman.

• 29:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:29Speaker 02

  Then without the anger, but they're like, you go great or terrible. If the crowd decides no, it's just gonna be no.

• 29:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I mean, I'm not saying like.

• 29:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, but when they're into it though, it's, it's like.

• 29:40Speaker 01

  Sure. I seen him at Skank Fest.

• 29:42Tom Segura?

  Holtzman?

• 29:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. And he was saying something to me about Josh Adam Myers. And he was like, I didn't know he sings. And I was like, stop your bullshit. Now you're fucking with me.

• 29:53Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 29:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:56Tom Segura?

  And he was?

• 29:57Speaker 01

  Yes. He was, he was like, oh, I never knew he did that. Did you know that he does the singing thing?

• 30:02Tom Segura?

  That was like, he was doing a bit on you?

• 30:04Speaker 01

  Kind of. I think I was like, Brian, stop. He started laughing. He's like, I didn't know he did that.

• 30:12Tom Segura?

  That guy's voice is fucking unbelievable though. If you're like.

• 30:15Speaker 02

  Josh?

• 30:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah, the first time I was in a room and he was like, they're like, he's gonna sing. I was like, he's gonna sing?

• 30:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:20Tom Segura?

  And then he started singing. I was like, holy shit.

• 30:22Speaker 02

  Goes on it so hard.

• 30:23Speaker 01

  He does have a good voice.

• 30:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:24Speaker 02

  He commits to.

• 30:25Tom Segura?

  Did you always do dark?

• 30:28Speaker 01

  Kind of.

• 30:28Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 30:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:29Tom Segura?

  Early on?

• 30:31Speaker 01

  Kind of.

• 30:32Tom Segura?

  Did you, how, cause I mean, 20, the thing is 20, you can't fake or pretend 20 years have gone by. Like it just has to.

• 30:39Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 30:40Tom Segura?

  So like, when you know an audience, for instance, is not on board now, it's something you're familiar with, right? Like you, you go like, oh, this feels familiar. But like, when you're coming up and you're not yet like, you know, know what you're dealing with. Was it like shell shock?

• 30:58Speaker 01

  No, I knew pretty early on, it was not for everyone. I, I mean, I keep getting booked at charity shows and I'm like, hey, I don't think I'm gonna be right for this. And I keep getting taken off stage at the charity show.

• 31:10Tom Segura?

  You get removed a lot?

• 31:12Speaker 01

  Two charity shows that I've done and I'm like, hey, I don't think I'm right for this. Like I tell them ahead of time.

• 31:17Tom Segura?

  And then they're like, no.

• 31:18Speaker 01

  And then I get stopped in the middle of my set and taken off stage.

• 31:22Tom Segura?

  How does, how does?

• 31:22Speaker 02

  They're just having a good time, raising money.

• 31:24Speaker 01

  The first time I was upset by it.

• 31:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:26Speaker 01

  And then the second time I was just like, this is not the first time I've gotten kicked off stage.

• 31:30Tom Segura?

  That's very funny.

• 31:31Speaker 02

  What was the one for the benefit for the rich people?

• 31:33Speaker 01

  Oh my God. So I did this charity in Row 8 in Connecticut, which is just like rich people.

• 31:39Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:40Speaker 01

  And it was a charity for helping poor kids or something.

• 31:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:44Speaker 01

  You know, they love to do that.

• 31:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:46Speaker 02

  Towels available online right now.

• 31:48Speaker 01

  But they were, um, they were like a very fun crowd. The girl before me did a joke. I go on stage, I'm like killing. And then I did a joke about like rich people having sex with kids on boats. And I lost half the crowd. And then, and then I got taken offstage.

• 32:06Tom Segura?

  Did somebody actually walk up?

• 32:08Speaker 01

  So somebody's, the guy that like introduced us all came on stage. He was like, all right, you gotta get offstage. I was like, all right. So I got offstage.

• 32:14Speaker 02

  You're not gonna fight for this.

• 32:15Speaker 01

  I'm not gonna fight. I'll never fight. I'm like, I don't care. So I get taken offstage and I'm like, I don't know what happened because I was like killing. You know, and I understand if I'm bombing the whole time, like, yeah. So I was like, I don't know what happened. So this lady comes up to me and she was like, you probably don't know this, but there's a pretty famous file in the community who's like abusing kids. And I was like, why would I know that?

• 32:36Speaker 02

  On boats?

• 32:37Speaker 01

  Yes. And so I Googled him. It was like someone that worked at CNN or something. And there's a picture of him in front of his yacht.

• 32:43Speaker 02

  So they're like, you must be talking about Bob.

• 32:45Speaker 01

  So his wife was there.

• 32:47Tom Segura?

  Oh, there you go.

• 32:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. And she like gave the look to this guy and then they took me offstage.

• 32:51Tom Segura?

  I had a show once that was, that actually did, it wasn't like, they did do a charity donation in it, but I made a joke about, um,

• 33:04Tom Segura?

  I'm trying to phrase it the right way.

• 33:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, you gotta rethink how to say it.

• 33:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I'm trying.

• 33:08Speaker 02

  To a different audience.

• 33:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah. About how, um, when it's, some sexual things can happen to you that you'll get over. That was the, the premise of it, like, like it's bad, but essentially what I said, I was like, it's not that bad. Like you, you'll get over it. Um, and this woman stood up and she goes, no. And I was like, what? And she goes, leave.

• 33:32Speaker 02

  Leave?

• 33:33Tom Segura?

  Leave. And I go, no.

• 33:35Speaker 02

  Can I, can I make a guess?

• 33:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:37Speaker 02

  White lady?

• 33:38Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 33:38Speaker 02

  Okay, go ahead.

• 33:39Tom Segura?

  See, she walks towards the stage and I was like, no. And then she just makes a, uh, she's walking forward and then she makes a right. And she kicks open the exit door, which is over here, kicks it, double, double doors, boom. And I was like, all right. And I went back. Everybody's uneasy. This is like a 300 person room.

• 34:02Tom Segura?

  So I get off stage and I was like, and I walked backstage and someone grabs me and they're like, "Look man, that was really funny, but um, she's backstage right now."

• 34:14Speaker 02

  I knew, she knew she'd be waiting.

• 34:15Tom Segura?

  And I was like, "She's backstage."

• 34:17Speaker 02

  Why would you let her backstage?

• 34:18Tom Segura?

  She is the friend of one of the other comic's wives, his wife, and they're just trying to consult her, trying to tell her how this stuff work, like how comedy. I'm like, "What?"

• 34:33Speaker 02

  If you go back there, it's gonna be a fight.

• 34:34Tom Segura?

  He's like, "If you go back there, this is gonna be..." I go, "I go, that's, it's fine. I'll, I'm fine." I just go, "I'm leaving." So I just went out the other door and I just went to the store and I ran the exact same set that I just on there.

• 34:52Speaker 02

  Fine.

• 34:52Tom Segura?

  Great. It was great. Yeah, it was great.

• 34:54Speaker 02

  It's crazy how one person can turn a queer room.

• 34:56Tom Segura?

  And then people like emailed me, like, "Hey."

• 35:00Speaker 01

  Well, it's funny at that show, it was like, the young people were like, "We liked you. We didn't think you should be taken offstage." They were mad. So the next comic goes on, it's like, the whole show is stopped now.

• 35:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:09Speaker 01

  There's like a 20 minute stop.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  How about, "Don't have your husband fuck kids."

• 35:13Speaker 01

  I know, that seems like the bigger issue.

• 35:14Tom Segura?

  They should be more mad at him, but only a little bit.

• 35:17Speaker 02

  Should be.

• 35:17Tom Segura?

  Yes. That's fucking crazy.

• 35:21Speaker 01

  It was.

• 35:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:22Speaker 01

  And then my friend goes on after, he's like, "I want to address what happened." And I'm like, "Oh." And then half the people are clapping for me, cause they're, he's like, "She's still in the room." It was so weird.

• 35:32Speaker 02

  Never stops.

• 35:34Speaker 01

  No.

• 35:34Speaker 02

  Never stops.

• 35:35Tom Segura?

  Did you ever have like a traumatic one? Like where you were shell shocked by it?

• 35:40Speaker 01

  Not really shell shocked.

• 35:43Tom Segura?

  Sometimes, I mean, like, I remember just early on not, like, you know, if you do like a few shows and they go like fairly well, then you're like, "I think this is like as bad as it can go."

• 35:56Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 35:56Tom Segura?

  Right? Like you're just like, and then, oh man, doing, I did one of those like cat club shows, like on Sunset, you know, it was like 50 people in this room. I don't remember the joke, but just people going like, "Wah, wah." Like, you're like, "Oh." And you're like, oh, good one, like those things where you're like, damn. And it's like, like, I feel, you know, you get, you, I can remember just feeling stunned, just being like, I didn't know people do that, you know, it's like the first time that happens. I mean, this is like year one, year two.

• 36:32Speaker 01

  Sure, yeah.

• 36:33Tom Segura?

  But you're still like, I don't know, people actually do, like, I would never do that.

• 36:37Speaker 02

  Isn't that more of a New York thing? Are there people who come to fuck up shows at clubs?

• 36:42Speaker 01

  I remember going up to like, uh, somewhere in Harlem. They had like an urban show and they let new comics go up. And then if they don't like you, I think there was like a gong or something and it was like, there was all picnic. It was so weird. They had all inside furniture, like outside furniture inside, like plastic chairs and picnic table tops. I remember I was dating a guy at the time and he, him and the other guy came and both, they were like, you gotta get off stage. And I did it and I, I didn't, I did okay. I didn't like get that, but I was like, that's weird. It's weird to just be in that situation where they're like, nope, next.

• 37:17Tom Segura?

  Nope. Yeah.

• 37:19Speaker 02

  Urban rooms are for black comics and super bad white comics.

• 37:25Tom Segura?

  That's very funny, because like.

• 37:27Speaker 01

  I can see that.

• 37:28Tom Segura?

  If you develop your act there.

• 37:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:30Tom Segura?

  As a white guy, you're just developing all these like weird instincts that like are not going to apply to most of the rooms you're gonna end up doing, basically.

• 37:40Speaker 02

  Yeah. There's almost no club where you're like, DJ, play that.

• 37:45Speaker 02

  The sound guy, you mean?

• 37:46Tom Segura?

  Or the.

• 37:46Speaker 02

  I'm not a DJ.

• 37:48Tom Segura?

  The, like the black club move of like, hey, man, when I get up, play this bullshit, all right? And then they get up and they're like, hey, man, what kind of shit was that? You're like, you asked him to play that. That's, that's your joke? Cut that shit off, man. Ain't nobody trying to listen to fucking Justin Bieber. You're like, okay.

• 38:06Speaker 01

  One time I did a show and a guy was pretending he was in a coffin on stage. And then they played the music and he was like, this is what be like, you know, when you get to heaven and then plays the music, he gets out of the coffin, he's dancing. And then I think I went up right after him.

• 38:19Tom Segura?

  Killer set.

• 38:20Speaker 01

  No, no, I ate it hard. I went up last. I'm kind of like dry deadpan a bit. It's a black room. There's every TV on.

• 38:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  It was someone's birthday. They had a cake everyone's eating and I just bought and I waited for like three hours.

• 38:34Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 38:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:36Tom Segura?

  We used to do these LA shows that were like ambush shows. Like you didn't realize they're like, hey, you want to get up tonight? Go to like fucking, you know, uh, Manelli's whatever. And you're like, okay. And you're, it's an Italian restaurant. And then you realize, oh, people are just there having dinner.

• 38:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, they don't know the show's happening.

• 38:51Tom Segura?

  They didn't go to a show. And then they're like, it's stand up time. And you're like, dude, you can't do this to people.

• 38:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're right. It's the only thing the audience is right.

• 38:59Tom Segura?

  A hundred percent.

• 39:00Speaker 02

  Like, hey, man, I'm on a date.

• 39:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:03Speaker 01

  Right.

• 39:03Speaker 02

  And also it's not just like some setup punchlines. It's like really horrible things.

• 39:07Tom Segura?

  Really horrible. Yeah.

• 39:09Speaker 02

  If you're not in the mood for it.

• 39:10Tom Segura?

  And they're like, you know what? I'm gonna have the tortellini to go. This has been enough for me. Thank you.

• 39:15Speaker 02

  One of the first times I got on stage naked was at the UCB.

• 39:18Tom Segura?

  Only you can say that.

• 39:20Speaker 02

  Brody was on stage and Brody was like a deathly, I think even so he was like, hey, don't do that shit around me, which is just like, listen, I'm, I've grown, but at the time it was like, I'm definitely doing it to you.

• 39:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:29Speaker 02

  And, um, so I took my, I took tearaway pants and then I just went up on stage with Brody. But Brody's also addicted to the spotlight.

• 39:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:39Speaker 02

  So he wanted to be out of there from homophobia, but also he needed to be on stage. So we're like kind of wrestling for space for a while.

• 39:45Tom Segura?

  This is where you like walk, you walked and like turned and like, is that, you know what I mean? Like, I feel like you, I saw this thing where you walked out and then just turned and then walked back. I don't know. I don't know if that's the one.

• 39:57Speaker 02

  I do that sometimes.

• 39:58Tom Segura?

  You've done it so many times. What are we talking about? Sorry.

• 40:01Speaker 02

  But this is up there and then, and then afterwards, uh, Kindler goes up and I mean, they don't get dicks out at the UC, at the all shows.

• 40:09Speaker 01

  No.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  And Killer just goes, cancer, my order of portobello mushrooms.

• 40:20Tom Segura?

  That's great. That's fucking great. What is this? Hold on, I have to.

• 40:29Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 40:30Tom Segura?

  That's cool.

• 40:33Speaker 02

  Whoa, somebody rammed him?

• 40:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he got up. That guy did. His leg.

• 40:39Speaker 02

  He's like, let's go, forget the bike.

• 40:43Speaker 02

  Is this the first time you've been run over at a bike during getaway? Act like you've been there before. Take your helmet off. There it is.

• 40:50Tom Segura?

  You did a good job. Huh, lose the helmet.

• 40:52Speaker 02

  Do they run like not athletic people?

• 40:55Tom Segura?

  That was rad. I think this might be in Chile.

• 40:57Speaker 02

  What was, what was?

• 40:58Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 40:59Speaker 02

  Do we know the context on that?

• 41:00Tom Segura?

  Do we know where that is? Is that in Latin America?

• 41:04Tom Segura?

  Sure felt like a Latin America move.

• 41:05Speaker 02

  He didn't want to get rid of that helmet. He knew he was gonna have to buy another one.

• 41:08Speaker 03

  Maryland.

• 41:09Speaker 02

  Yo, Maryland!

• 41:10Speaker 01

  I thought that was the Middle East.

• 41:12Speaker 02

  That wasn't Maryland shirt.

• 41:13Tom Segura?

  Middle, I don't know, Maryland can be pretty rough.

• 41:15Speaker 02

  It can, depending on where. It depends where. Parts of Baltimore.

• 41:19Tom Segura?

  Fuck.

• 41:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, where Sickler's from is like, I was never allowed to go there.

• 41:25Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 41:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're like, no, if there was like a party there, no.

• 41:28Tom Segura?

  No.

• 41:29Speaker 02

  And that was his up, his like upbringing.

• 41:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah. In the city or the county?

• 41:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, his little area where he was. It was just, it was for trash.

• 41:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:39Speaker 02

  There's no reason. We have a 7-Eleven here.

• 41:43Speaker 02

  There's literally no reason to go there.

• 41:44Tom Segura?

  I think there's another, what is, here's another one. I got all that already, baby. Leave me alone. I didn't do nothing, yo.

• 41:50Speaker 02

  I didn't hit your car. You hit my car. No, I did not. Don't play with me.

• 41:53Tom Segura?

  That's Maryland. Yep. She's taking her plate.

• 41:58Speaker 01

  That's smart, actually.

• 42:00Speaker 02

  She was already taking it off.

• 42:01Tom Segura?

  And look at the, the smoke coming off of the. She definitely hit something.

• 42:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, the airbags came.

• 42:10Speaker 02

  Are you hitting nothing?

• 42:10Speaker 01

  That's amazing.

• 42:15Tom Segura?

  I feel like it's such a chick move to.

• 42:17Speaker 01

  To take your license plate off?

• 42:18Tom Segura?

  No, to react the way like.

• 42:20Speaker 02

  I didn't do nothing.

• 42:21Tom Segura?

  I didn't do any fucking thing and like all frantic and like.

• 42:23Speaker 02

  And it's like, it's not even like a borderline lie. Your, your car is caved in.

• 42:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you hit something very hard.

• 42:31Speaker 02

  That accent, it's that specific accent. Let me hear it again. It's like a certain kind of white trash.

• 42:35Speaker 06

  I got all that already, baby. Leave me alone. I didn't do nothing, yo. I didn't hit your car. You hit my car. No, I did not, yo.

• 42:43Tom Segura?

  Her mouth's crooked.

• 42:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:44Speaker 01

  She has hard nips, too.

• 42:46Speaker 02

  Oh, she's, she's worked up over this guy.

• 42:48Speaker 01

  I know. She should just offer to fuck him.

• 42:51Tom Segura?

  It's a stimulating experience for sure.

• 42:53Speaker 01

  Maybe that's how she gets off. She has to hit someone's car.

• 42:57Tom Segura?

  Do you like, uh, you like that mid-Atlantic accent? Oh.

• 43:00Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 43:01Tom Segura?

  It's on, that shit.

• 43:03Speaker 02

  I liked for a second, but then if I'm talking to them, like, oh, I don't want to be in this conversation. It's a sign of like, you shouldn't be this close to someone.

• 43:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Uh, uh, oh, say, can you see?

• 43:14Speaker 02

  It was during Orioles games.

• 43:15Tom Segura?

  By the dawns, early white.

• 43:18Speaker 02

  That's not it.

• 43:20Speaker 01

  It sounds like it is.

• 43:21Speaker 02

  He's like a baby.

• 43:22Tom Segura?

  That's, that's a fucking mid-Atlantic dude.

• 43:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's Delmarva. Oh, shore, going on the shore. No effects is like, you can hear it.

• 43:33Tom Segura?

  Ooh.

• 43:33Speaker 02

  Ah.

• 43:37Speaker 02

  She's getting up.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  I thought she might be dead. She's not.

• 43:40Speaker 02

  She might still be though.

• 43:41Tom Segura?

  That's a big fall, man.

• 43:43Speaker 02

  What, where does she come from?

• 43:44Tom Segura?

  From a balcony. Like, that's under a building.

• 43:47Speaker 01

  Man, she must be rich.

• 43:49Speaker 02

  I mean, who goes, she didn't even try, is she laughing?

• 43:52Tom Segura?

  I don't think so. I think she's like, what the fuck?

• 43:57Speaker 02

  Wait.

• 43:58Tom Segura?

  Look how hard she falls, dude.

• 44:00Speaker 02

  She falls hard, the bounce. Oh!

• 44:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's a big fall.

• 44:04Speaker 02

  Wow, she bounced.

• 44:05Tom Segura?

  She dented the ground pretty hard, man.

• 44:08Speaker 02

  Fix your divot, that's what I said.

• 44:10Tom Segura?

  It's rude not to.

• 44:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, hopefully she has a divot repair tool. No, not a train. Oh!

• 44:19Speaker 02

  It's not the electrician that kills you.

• 44:21Tom Segura?

  It's the head fall.

• 44:23Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 44:23Speaker 01

  Was he fixing something or trying to kill himself?

• 44:25Tom Segura?

  I don't, that's a very good question.

• 44:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a good question.

• 44:28Tom Segura?

  And that might be the name of this segment from now on.

• 44:30Speaker 02

  Fixing or killing yourself.

• 44:31Speaker 01

  Are you fixing something or trying to kill yourself?

• 44:33Tom Segura?

  You're trying to fix this? Or you wanna die?

• 44:36Speaker 01

  I don't know what you're fixing.

• 44:39Speaker 02

  Look at all the people on the train too, just like, none the wiser.

• 44:42Tom Segura?

  What is this asshole doing? He climbed onto the train station at the, what is this?

• 44:49Tom Segura?

  Liberty one station? I don't know where that is, and grabbed a current collector through a rag. Oh, it's in Russia.

• 44:57Speaker 02

  Oh, he thought he was holding up the rag that'll stop the currency.

• 44:59Tom Segura?

  He survived. Uh, he went two days, uh, unconscious in intensive care. The current went through his heart. Uh, he eventually came to broken neck, burns and bruises, yeah.

• 45:09Speaker 02

  Broken neck from the fall?

• 45:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:11Speaker 02

  Ooh, what was he doing?

• 45:14Tom Segura?

  I mean, he was, I think, trying to fix something.

• 45:16Speaker 01

  He was trying to fix something or kill himself?

• 45:18Tom Segura?

  I mean, he had the rag, so it's like if you're fucking...

• 45:21Speaker 02

  You wouldn't have the rag if you were trying to kill yourself.

• 45:22Tom Segura?

  That's what I think.

• 45:23Speaker 02

  You would lick your hands and do it.

• 45:23Tom Segura?

  He's like, I got it. You know, they were like, hey, the train's not moving. He's like, please.

• 45:28Speaker 01

  Wait, but did he work there?

• 45:29Speaker 02

  He's probably just late for work.

• 45:30Tom Segura?

  He's just a fucking arrogant guy who's like, the train's not working?

• 45:33Speaker 01

  I'll fix this.

• 45:34Speaker 02

  Putin's grandson.

• 45:36Tom Segura?

  Everyone knows how to fix trains.

• 45:38Speaker 01

  Putin's grandson's not working.

• 45:38Speaker 02

  He's not working, but he's like, oh. I've seen her, I've seen her. I've seen her.

• 45:44Speaker 01

  What, what is happening?

• 45:46Speaker 02

  She's mad, she's on film?

• 45:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:48Speaker 02

  Oh, you don't wanna let her get a hold of you. This is like when Bert's coming at you, you gotta gas him.

• 45:52Tom Segura?

  You gotta gas him, and then this...

• 45:56Speaker 01

  Ooh, damn.

• 45:59Tom Segura?

  Homeless guy is just fucking...

• 46:00Speaker 01

  That guy just, that guy just saved that other person.

• 46:03Tom Segura?

  He did. And he did it like, in a, in a moment, it was like an angel.

• 46:06Speaker 01

  He saw her coming, and he goes, not today.

• 46:08Speaker 02

  This is like when orcas defend seals against killer whales.

• 46:11Tom Segura?

  Dude.

• 46:11Speaker 02

  Or whatever, or against sharks.

• 46:12Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 46:13Tom Segura?

  That is so true.

• 46:14Speaker 02

  Yeah. He just was like, nah, you don't need to be around her.

• 46:18Tom Segura?

  Those tits were something, huh?

• 46:20Speaker 01

  I do wonder where she lost the bra. Like, at some point, she probably had a bra.

• 46:25Tom Segura?

  But, do you, I mean, she probably stopped wearing it a long time ago.

• 46:30Speaker 02

  What, she didn't have back pain like everybody?

• 46:31Tom Segura?

  No, it's just like, she just...

• 46:33Speaker 01

  She's just homeless for a long time.

• 46:35Speaker 02

  It's this turn of like...

• 46:36Tom Segura?

  I mean, look at those tits.

• 46:37Speaker 01

  Well, she also lost the sleeves of that shirt.

• 46:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah. The bra has not been in her vocabulary in a long, long time.

• 46:46Speaker 02

  I'm with them.

• 46:47Tom Segura?

  It's like, I'll fuck you up.

• 46:48Speaker 02

  Look at this guy. He's so happy. He's so happy to do this. He's like, she turned, she didn't see me. And he's running just in case she didn't fall. He's so stoked.

• 47:01Speaker 02

  He's been waiting for that moment. This bitch eats all my food.

• 47:04Tom Segura?

  It's so amazing.

• 47:05Speaker 01

  Not today.

• 47:09Speaker 02

  No, no, you're clearly going too fast.

• 47:12Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 47:12Speaker 02

  No, why turn into the... Oh, that's death.

• 47:16Speaker 01

  That person is gone, baby, gone.

• 47:18Tom Segura?

  How concerned is the driver, though? Does he look... Hey.

• 47:22Speaker 02

  Why's your camera...

• 47:23Speaker 01

  Why wouldn't he try and reverse?

• 47:25Speaker 02

  Back up.

• 47:26Tom Segura?

  He's like, what do I do? Back it up.

• 47:28Speaker 02

  Back it up.

• 47:29Tom Segura?

  Here's the thing, he backs up and this guy just springs right up.

• 47:32Speaker 01

  No.

• 47:33Tom Segura?

  It's fucking crazy. Watch. He does, no. Watch, he jumps right up.

• 47:37Speaker 02

  Oh, no, dude, there's a full death. You can't show full death on your podcast.

• 47:42Speaker 01

  Yes, you can. Honor their life.

• 47:44Speaker 02

  What?

• 47:45Speaker 01

  Honor their life.

• 47:46Speaker 02

  Fail blocks are all they... You can't show full death.

• 47:49Speaker 01

  Honor his life.

• 47:50Speaker 02

  Wow. And they also were like, damn, he's gonna hit that pole. And then a slight turn and just crunch.

• 47:55Speaker 01

  They also didn't move.

• 47:57Tom Segura?

  They didn't.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  It's kinda his fault.

• 47:58Tom Segura?

  And they see it coming.

• 47:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's kinda his fault.

• 48:00Tom Segura?

  They definitely hear it coming. Big ass truck like that.

• 48:02Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 48:03Speaker 01

  The other guy got away.

• 48:04Speaker 02

  Shut up. You're like, he'll pop up. Fuck off. Fuck you, dude.

• 48:08Speaker 01

  I didn't think he was gonna pop up. I was like, I think this one's gone.

• 48:18Tom Segura?

  That was good.

• 48:19Speaker 01

  I didn't know the legs were gonna do that.

• 48:22Speaker 02

  He didn't either.

• 48:23Speaker 01

  Does that happen when you break your back?

• 48:30Tom Segura?

  That's a good noise, right?

• 48:31Speaker 02

  Yeah. Put that, put that on loop in the bucket opening tomorrow.

• 48:34Speaker 01

  That is pretty good.

• 48:35Tom Segura?

  That's pretty fun. I've got another one for you.

• 48:42Tom Segura?

  That truck on the lift.

• 48:43Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, dude, no, no, no, no, no, no, get out of there.

• 48:49Tom Segura?

  He pops that though.

• 48:55Speaker 02

  I mean, what are you gonna do? Pick it up?

• 48:59Speaker 02

  No.

• 49:01Speaker 02

  Oh, he's out.

• 49:02Tom Segura?

  He's okay.

• 49:03Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 49:04Tom Segura?

  Told you.

• 49:04Speaker 01

  He got lucky.

• 49:05Tom Segura?

  It's alright, Annie.

• 49:07Speaker 02

  What is your life, bro?

• 49:08Tom Segura?

  Annie, it's okay.

• 49:09Speaker 02

  So you just live in this?

• 49:10Speaker 01

  This is pretty great.

• 49:11Speaker 02

  It reminds me.

• 49:12Tom Segura?

  Thank you, Adrian.

• 49:13Speaker 01

  Who cares about?

• 49:13Speaker 02

  There was a Google job where you had to check what should go on the dark web, what should go on the real web.

• 49:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 49:18Speaker 02

  And these guys always do about a month and then seek therapy for the rest of their lives.

• 49:22Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 49:22Speaker 02

  That's you.

• 49:23Speaker 01

  This isn't that bad, though. This isn't that bad.

• 49:26Speaker 02

  No, the other one, though. Oh, I guess it's you guys, too. You guys have to show what's funny enough as death. Go, yeah, this was horrific, but I don't see an arc.

• 49:36Speaker 01

  You didn't see that guy's face, though.

• 49:38Tom Segura?

  No.

• 49:45Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 49:49Speaker 02

  Good camera work.

• 49:50Tom Segura?

  Isn't that cool?

• 49:51Speaker 02

  Flying with.

• 49:52Tom Segura?

  And look, he's okay. He's alright. Everybody's okay on this show.

• 49:58Tom Segura?

  Everybody's okay.

• 50:00Speaker 02

  Jesus.

• 50:01Tom Segura?

  Alright, one more.

• 50:02Speaker 02

  Okay. Alright, this guy's. This guy rules.

• 50:05Tom Segura?

  You hear him?

• 50:06Speaker 02

  Oh, motherfucker.

• 50:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's like, he knows.

• 50:09Speaker 06

  Ah, you motherfucker.

• 50:13Tom Segura?

  I think he knows he's coming in hot.

• 50:18Speaker 02

  He's gotta hit water.

• 50:34Speaker 02

  You okay? What a great question.

• 50:42Speaker 02

  He's asking me, get in, help him, get wet.

• 50:46Speaker 01

  Why should he get wet?

• 50:47Tom Segura?

  I think he crashed that fucking hard. Yeah, I think he probably broke limbs and maybe collapsed a lot.

• 50:55Speaker 02

  It just wasn't opening and he was like.

• 50:56Tom Segura?

  He was coming.

• 50:57Speaker 01

  But that's clearly this guy's fault. The other guy was just standing there and got killed.

• 51:00Tom Segura?

  Totally.

• 51:01Speaker 01

  This guy really deserves this.

• 51:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:03Speaker 02

  But also, the other guy just keeps saying, are you okay?

• 51:06Tom Segura?

  Like, get him, get him out.

• 51:08Speaker 02

  No!

• 51:08Tom Segura?

  You alright?

• 51:08Speaker 02

  He fell.

• 51:10Speaker 01

  What are you, what?

• 51:11Speaker 02

  What other noise do I gotta make to let you know I'm not okay?

• 51:15Speaker 01

  Maybe moving him will make it worse.

• 51:17Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, maybe let him drown there.

• 51:18Tom Segura?

  That is true.

• 51:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like, I don't want to get wet.

• 51:20Speaker 02

  Maybe the other guys like that scene in Breaking Bad where he just lets that chick drown, like drown in her vomit. Maybe the other guy's like, I'll be number one if I just let you in there.

• 51:27Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 51:29Tom Segura?

  Um, let me ask you about the, uh, uh, oh, sorry, we got something for you. Uh, cause Adrian asked.

• 51:35Speaker 01

  What did I ask for?

• 51:36Tom Segura?

  That's Ari.

• 51:37Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 51:39Tom Segura?

  Just watch.

• 51:46Speaker 02

  So I just finished taking what I thought was a dump.

• 51:51Speaker 01

  What the fuck is that?

• 51:52Speaker 02

  It's hemorrhoids.

• 51:55Speaker 01

  It looks like the mushrooms that sprout after you leave dog shit in the ground.

• 52:04Speaker 01

  That's what you're living with?

• 52:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:07Speaker 02

  Not all the time.

• 52:08Tom Segura?

  Do you have, you ever have them drained or operated on?

• 52:10Speaker 02

  The rubber bands around them that kill them off, nug loaf, but it didn't take.

• 52:22Tom Segura?

  That's your friend.

• 52:23Speaker 01

  That's your friend.

• 52:25Speaker 02

  Redman used to go to, um, Apple stores and load that up on all the computers and then walk away.

• 52:31Speaker 01

  That's funny.

• 52:32Tom Segura?

  Did he really?

• 52:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:33Tom Segura?

  Holy shit.

• 52:35Speaker 02

  Look at less fat Joe DeRosa.

• 52:37Speaker 01

  How does your shit even make it out? Has it passed that?

• 52:41Speaker 02

  What?

• 52:41Tom Segura?

  Is Joe fat?

• 52:42Speaker 02

  No, he's just worn down.

• 52:43Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 52:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, I guess he's not much fatter than that. Um, I don't know how it makes it out, kind of like a maze, you kind of got to go through and, and out. It's kind of like a Play-Doh factory. It runs out in certain shapes, so it's shaped like that.

• 52:57Speaker 01

  But you could stop getting them if you didn't, if you stopped eating all the spicy food. Right?

• 53:03Speaker 02

  Maybe.

• 53:04Speaker 01

  Right.

• 53:05Speaker 02

  You used to get leakage too. You ever get leakage?

• 53:06Tom Segura?

  I've, I mean, I've had leaky days.

• 53:09Speaker 02

  It's just like oil.

• 53:11Speaker 01

  Do you make your own tampons?

• 53:12Tom Segura?

  No.

• 53:13Speaker 02

  Oh buddy, it's so, it's so crafty.

• 53:16Tom Segura?

  I'm, I'm okay.

• 53:17Speaker 02

  You gotta get into crafts. Make your own tampons. I bet that dude who drinks his own come. That's a guy who's gonna make his own tampons.

• 53:24Tom Segura?

  He probably would, yeah. How do kids react when they see your face?

• 53:28Speaker 02

  They love it.

• 53:29Tom Segura?

  They love it.

• 53:29Speaker 02

  Your son would love it.

• 53:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I'm sure.

• 53:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's up the age.

• 53:34Tom Segura?

  He'd be like, that guy's face. Yeah.

• 53:36Speaker 02

  I saw a lot of this, like staring and then getting their mom without looking at them and just like, you know, just pulling the shirt like.

• 53:44Tom Segura?

  And how do homeless black guys react?

• 53:46Speaker 02

  Yo, that's fresh, son.

• 53:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:48Speaker 02

  That's, that's it. Yeah, they, they're so into it.

• 53:51Tom Segura?

  They like it.

• 53:52Speaker 01

  They probably think you're gonna be homeless soon. This is like the start of it.

• 53:57Speaker 02

  Word's still out.

• 53:58Tom Segura?

  Word is still out.

• 54:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, of all the comics, if someone was like, oh, they're homeless now.

• 54:05Speaker 02

  Where would you, who would you be least surprised by?

• 54:08Speaker 02

  Would you be like, no way, but I mean, I couldn't not see it.

• 54:12Tom Segura?

  No, like if no way. Howie Mandel.

• 54:16Speaker 02

  If he was homeless.

• 54:17Tom Segura?

  You're like, what the fuck are you talking about?

• 54:19Speaker 02

  You're a germaphobe.

• 54:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:21Speaker 02

  So many germs there.

• 54:23Tom Segura?

  But if somebody said, oh, he's homeless, I'd be like, where, what country?

• 54:27Speaker 02

  Right, yeah. He just got, he lost all his money on drugs.

• 54:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's living in, in Vietnam. I'm like, yeah, that checks out.

• 54:33Speaker 01

  I think you would enjoy that.

• 54:35Speaker 02

  I might.

• 54:36Tom Segura?

  Do you have any big world travel plans?

• 54:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, I gotta go to Chile.

• 54:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, I gotta go travel around there.

• 54:45Speaker 01

  Are you going to Peru?

• 54:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, Peru too.

• 54:47Tom Segura?

  You're going?

• 54:47Speaker 02

  Go all through South America.

• 54:49Tom Segura?

  Soon?

• 54:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:50Tom Segura?

  How long are you gonna be, you always go for like, oh, I mean, I'm not long, just three months.

• 54:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, something like that, six, eight.

• 54:55Speaker 01

  No, it's like a year.

• 54:57Tom Segura?

  Six or eight months you're gonna do?

• 54:59Speaker 01

  He's putting out a special and then he's going away for a year.

• 55:02Tom Segura?

  I think it's so insane.

• 55:04Speaker 01

  I know.

• 55:04Tom Segura?

  Crazy person.

• 55:05Speaker 02

  It's coming out in January. Yeah, but it's like.

• 55:07Tom Segura?

  The one that we were just talking about?

• 55:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:09Tom Segura?

  That'll come out in January?

• 55:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I'll probably leave in June.

• 55:13Tom Segura?

  Leave, so you'll stay six months?

• 55:14Speaker 02

  Stay, stay for a while, then like just chase the sun down south for a while.

• 55:20Tom Segura?

  Okay. I got, I got some for you when you're ready to.

• 55:24Speaker 02

  Jesus, bro, that kind of behavior and language will not be tolerated below the border.

• 55:28Tom Segura?

  I'll connect you to a few fucking cholo's and you'll uh.

• 55:32Speaker 02

  Can I meet your like real mom in Chile?

• 55:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sure.

• 55:35Speaker 02

  Peru, whatever.

• 55:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. Now I got some connects for you.

• 55:38Speaker 02

  Really?

• 55:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sure.

• 55:39Speaker 02

  Oh, hell yeah.

• 55:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:40Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, I've been accruing like uh just.

• 55:42Tom Segura?

  I'll tell you this, don't show up with that face.

• 55:45Speaker 01

  What would they do?

• 55:46Tom Segura?

  It, they, it would just, everyone would be like.

• 55:49Speaker 01

  Not trust him, right?

• 55:50Tom Segura?

  They would be like, yeah, I'm not helping your friend.

• 55:54Speaker 02

  You gotta beat him down. You made me a target.

• 55:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:57Tom Segura?

  For sure. Who's this?

• 55:59Speaker 02

  Oh, my God, it's so hot.

• 56:03Speaker 02

  So. Uh, summer already, I guess. Enjoy life. Life is a celebration.

• 56:08Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 56:12Speaker 02

  Why does that need to be said? Who the fuck is that?

• 56:14Speaker 01

  I don't know. Is that a toupee?

• 56:16Speaker 02

  It's so, it looks like a toupee. It's so hot.

• 56:18Speaker 01

  I think he also has colored contacts in, right?

• 56:21Tom Segura?

  He's doing a lot of things.

• 56:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:22Speaker 02

  This is the problem with influencers. There's like no content, just talking into a camera.

• 56:27Tom Segura?

  Some filler.

• 56:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 56:29Speaker 01

  That's a lot.

• 56:30Speaker 02

  That's Bert in four years.

• 56:31Tom Segura?

  You think so?

• 56:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's gonna fully get the surgeries.

• 56:34Tom Segura?

  He's so red. Have you seen how red he is? He's just so rosy fucking red.

• 56:39Speaker 02

  Dude, we're in Vegas at Skank Fest and it was me, him, DeRosa, Egot and uh Leanne, we're all talking about how we never get to hang. We'll go through like a shitty casino. Everyone recognizes them and uh like Binions or something. He's like, oh, hey, and he's complaining. He's like, uh, you know, just for like a tiny bit of money, you have to give up your frame. Like, what tiny bit? What are you talking about?

• 56:58Tom Segura?

  Who's saying this?

• 56:59Speaker 02

  Bert. And then Leanne's like, it's not a tiny bit. We're doing quite well. And then uh.

• 57:03Tom Segura?

  You have to give up your anonymity, you're saying? Oh, like he's got a problem with that?

• 57:06Speaker 02

  Bothered. Is it even worth it? And was like, yeah, because you do it. So then we cut, we, we lose all our money on craps right away. We're all sitting in this section, just like talking. All just five of us really hanging out. It's great. And then he goes, oh, here's four guys who don't recognize me. I see them though, playing craps over there. I'm gonna go make their day. And he just goes and spends time with them for 30 minutes.

• 57:25Tom Segura?

  He loves it. He loves it. He also is like, nothing's better than being famous.

• 57:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:30Tom Segura?

  It's the best. Says it all the time. So I don't buy that shit at all.

• 57:36Speaker 02

  What do we got?

• 57:36Tom Segura?

  India?

• 57:38Speaker 02

  Who's on the ground? Oh!

• 57:43Tom Segura?

  Oh my god, that's a propane tank dude. You alright? We did the bit. You good?

• 57:50Speaker 02

  I mean, is this a punish? It's a crime punishment?

• 57:52Speaker 01

  Is that how they get you to talk?

• 57:54Speaker 02

  Dude, that's metal.

• 57:55Speaker 01

  It's just like you're not gonna tell us where they are.

• 57:57Speaker 02

  Look at the little kids watching this.

• 57:59Tom Segura?

  It's a show though.

• 58:00Speaker 01

  Oh, it's a show.

• 58:01Tom Segura?

  It's a show.

• 58:01Speaker 02

  But he's not alright.

• 58:03Tom Segura?

  And... You're not gonna feel anything, bro. Let us do it.

• 58:11Tom Segura?

  Holy...

• 58:12Speaker 02

  Look how the guys are through it. He's just like nailed that. Perfect shot.

• 58:16Tom Segura?

  Oh my god, dude.

• 58:18Speaker 02

  These guys are thin too.

• 58:19Speaker 07

  Um, when I leave, are you gonna say a bad word? One bad word? Yeah. Into here, but when I leave, you can say it.

• 58:27Speaker 02

  It's a trash mom.

• 58:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:30Speaker 02

  What's it gonna say?

• 58:32Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 58:37Speaker 07

  Did you say it, mom? Yeah.

• 58:39Tom Segura?

  Ah, sweet kid.

• 58:40Speaker 02

  I should just teach him how to do it?

• 58:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah. He's talking about his mom. It's adorable.

• 58:46Speaker 01

  That's really cute.

• 58:47Tom Segura?

  That's super cute.

• 58:50Speaker 02

  He was so happy.

• 58:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:51Speaker 02

  What a trash mom. Whenever you see those with that kind of British accent, you're like...

• 58:56Speaker 01

  I didn't even know what accent that was. I hate accents.

• 58:59Tom Segura?

  You hate accents?

• 59:00Speaker 01

  It's disgusting.

• 59:01Tom Segura?

  You like... How do you...

• 59:03Speaker 02

  Have any accent is disgusting?

• 59:05Speaker 01

  Any accent. I only like America.

• 59:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:10Speaker 01

  America has disgusting accents too. I only like New York. That's it.

• 59:14Speaker 02

  You are the real New Yorker.

• 59:16Speaker 01

  New York accents.

• 59:17Tom Segura?

  Will you ever leave New York?

• 59:20Speaker 01

  Probably not. I hate it so much.

• 59:22Tom Segura?

  You hate?

• 59:23Speaker 01

  It's the worst place I've ever been.

• 59:24Tom Segura?

  New York?

• 59:25Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 59:25Tom Segura?

  And that's why you won't leave?

• 59:27Speaker 01

  Where else am I gonna go?

• 59:28Tom Segura?

  Cause is it, is it kind of like, I feel like I deserve this?

• 59:31Speaker 01

  No, I just feel like I've lived there my whole life. Where am I gonna go?

• 59:34Speaker 02

  You gotta move. You gotta go somewhere.

• 59:36Speaker 01

  I know, but, I don't know, I...

• 59:38Tom Segura?

  Why don't you use the, um, I don't know, the special to just be like your, you know...

• 59:46Speaker 02

  Of Dawson.

• 59:46Tom Segura?

  Catalyst for doing something different.

• 59:49Speaker 01

  Maybe. He's trying to get me to move here.

• 59:51Tom Segura?

  Why wouldn't you?

• 59:52Speaker 01

  It's too fu... I don't like flying roaches that you guys have.

• 59:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:55Speaker 01

  Me and him stayed in the Airbnb.

• 59:58Speaker 02

  A while ago. Yeah, there was like one bug.

• 1:00:05Speaker 01

  Not true. We come and it's a really nice place. We come home, there's a bug on the in the bathroom this fucking big. So I go and get him. I'm like, I'll I'm not gonna stay here. He kills it. We come back the next day. There's just more of them.

• 1:00:18Speaker 02

  I'm not gonna stay here because there was a bug.

• 1:00:21Speaker 01

  Okay, one bug is oh, fine.

• 1:00:23Speaker 02

  Beautiful place.

• 1:00:24Speaker 01

  It was a beautiful place. The bug was this fucking big. The next day we come back, there's more of them. They're in the kitchen. He also leaves a bunch of food open, so they just have a.

• 1:00:33Tom Segura?

  Wow, I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

• 1:00:36Speaker 01

  And then the other people we were with, they were like, yeah, I woke up at one in my bed. I go, oh, I'm gonna actually just leave. And they're like, sure, you're gonna leave. And I went and got my stuff and went to a hotel.

• 1:00:44Speaker 02

  It was 1 a.m. She just left.

• 1:00:45Speaker 01

  I don't care.

• 1:00:46Tom Segura?

  I like it.

• 1:00:47Speaker 02

  She just takes off like, no, no, where are you going?

• 1:00:48Speaker 01

  I'd rather get and deal with bugs. Over a lifetime of bugs I would deal with.

• 1:00:55Speaker 01

  I can't deal with bugs.

• 1:00:58Speaker 01

  That's how much I hate it. I'm not saying it's good.

• 1:01:00Tom Segura?

  No, it's not good.

• 1:01:01Speaker 01

  It's bad, but that's how much I hate bugs.

• 1:01:03Tom Segura?

  Bugs are worse.

• 1:01:04Speaker 02

  There's no therapy for bugs.

• 1:01:08Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:01:09Speaker 02

  There's plenty of already experts on how to.

• 1:01:13Speaker 02

  So you've got the support system in place.

• 1:01:15Tom Segura?

  So if somebody threatened you with bugs, you'd be like, just take me.

• 1:01:18Speaker 01

  But now at this point, I've I've I've already had to deal with so many bugs. It feels like wouldn't be fair.

• 1:01:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:25Speaker 02

  To add that to the bugs.

• 1:01:26Speaker 01

  Right. Unless I would never see any for the rest of my life.

• 1:01:30Tom Segura?

  Then you'd be okay.

• 1:01:31Speaker 01

  I wouldn't be okay. I would just deal with it. I would get through it.

• 1:01:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:35Speaker 02

  You let we're like, I'm joking. We're just like, we didn't see a bug in our bed.

• 1:01:39Speaker 01

  But I seen them in the kitchen.

• 1:01:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, no.

• 1:01:42Tom Segura?

  Horrible.

• 1:01:42Speaker 01

  I wouldn't sleep. I would stay up all night.

• 1:01:44Tom Segura?

  He's gotta be the worst house guest. I would be horrified to have you stay.

• 1:01:48Speaker 02

  You ever seen me naked?

• 1:01:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've seen you naked. Yeah. It's not even like sexual.

• 1:01:54Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:01:55Tom Segura?

  How does it register? It's just like, it's like seeing a psych patient?

• 1:01:58Speaker 01

  It's like seeing your kid get naked. You're like, put your clothes on.

• 1:02:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:02Speaker 02

  Stop it.

• 1:02:02Tom Segura?

  You have kids?

• 1:02:03Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:02:04Speaker 02

  You ever had an abortion?

• 1:02:05Speaker 01

  No. I thought I was gonna have one, but I didn't. I got my period.

• 1:02:10Tom Segura?

  Oh, you're like, oh, thank God.

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  God came through.

• 1:02:12Tom Segura?

  God.

• 1:02:13Speaker 02

  In the end, God handled it.

• 1:02:14Speaker 01

  A law came through.

• 1:02:15Tom Segura?

  How many have you paid for?

• 1:02:16Speaker 02

  I paid for one. Another one was just done without me. Didn't want any like refund or anything.

• 1:02:23Speaker 01

  She didn't want a refund?

• 1:02:24Speaker 02

  She just told me like, hey, three years ago I had an abortion. I was like.

• 1:02:27Speaker 01

  Insurance is pay, they cover it.

• 1:02:30Speaker 02

  For the woman, not for the man. I had to pay for one. I was trying to get insurance. Like you're not the patient.

• 1:02:35Tom Segura?

  How much was it?

• 1:02:36Speaker 02

  Four hundred.

• 1:02:37Tom Segura?

  That's not bad.

• 1:02:37Speaker 01

  That's the going rate.

• 1:02:38Speaker 02

  Worth it.

• 1:02:39Tom Segura?

  That's the rate?

• 1:02:40Speaker 01

  I used to work at a place that did them, so.

• 1:02:43Speaker 02

  Like a, just like a private business?

• 1:02:45Speaker 01

  Well, it was an OBGYN office and then they also did abortions.

• 1:02:49Tom Segura?

  Nice.

• 1:02:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:51Speaker 02

  That's gotta be like the funnest part of the job.

• 1:02:53Tom Segura?

  What was it like working with Ari on the special?

• 1:02:56Speaker 01

  Ari's actually very autistic and great.

• 1:02:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:59Speaker 01

  Like in the special, he's like very focused. He cares about everything nobody else cares about. Like he wanted to get as many seats in there. Like he is very autistic.

• 1:03:09Tom Segura?

  That's good.

• 1:03:09Speaker 01

  Yeah. He thinks about stuff no one else is thinking about.

• 1:03:12Tom Segura?

  And what about from, because sometimes, um, I think it's easy with specials to kind of go like, I don't care who's directing, but yours was directed by Louis. Like was there, I don't know. What was that experience like for you?

• 1:03:27Speaker 01

  Um, I mean, I've worked with Louis for years.

• 1:03:29Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 1:03:32Speaker 01

  Yeah. And I also went to Europe with him. We went to the UK and stuff. I just trusted him. Like I do think he's like amazing at what he does. So I did trust him and my one concern was like, I didn't really want to see the seller sign. Um, so he, we extended the stage by six inches and shut the sign off. And like, I don't really move a lot on stage, so I stood pretty close to the front. So it does feel different than some of the other specials and the lighting is, was really beautiful.

• 1:04:00Speaker 02

  Looks so cool.

• 1:04:01Speaker 01

  It does look really cool. And everyone's like, can we get that lighting in here? So like, I do trust him. He knows what he's doing.

• 1:04:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:07Speaker 01

  Um, I'm really glad that like the both, I mean, this would have never happened when I were at Ari though. So, yeah. He's been like my biggest supporter. So that's why I have, you know, I just, one day I'm gonna have to just defend something atrocious that he does. And I know that.

• 1:04:22Tom Segura?

  It's coming up. It's coming up.

• 1:04:24Speaker 01

  The shooting on the stage is not it either. Like that's, I don't know what it is.

• 1:04:28Speaker 02

  It'll be something. I'll need you to let me open for you. I'll at some point be like, hey, remember when I helped you?

• 1:04:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:34Speaker 02

  I'm fucked.

• 1:04:35Speaker 01

  I know.

• 1:04:36Tom Segura?

  I don't know if you've heard that I'm homeless.

• 1:04:39Tom Segura?

  I just got back to the States.

• 1:04:40Speaker 01

  I'm gonna just be like, sure.

• 1:04:41Speaker 02

  Long way home from Cambodia.

• 1:04:42Speaker 01

  Sure, you did something terrible, but sure.

• 1:04:45Tom Segura?

  You can do it.

• 1:04:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, Louis was cool to work with too, because it's like, where should we do it? Where should we do it? We thought about the mothership, like, be easy there. And then, and then he was like, I don't want to go there for that long. But also, like, are you really comfortable there? He goes, why don't we do it at the cellar where you're comfortable?

• 1:04:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, that is like my home club. And that's where I'm the most comfortable.

• 1:05:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:02Speaker 01

  A lot of people do it in the V U, which is much larger, but like, I like a small.

• 1:05:06Tom Segura?

  Intimate room.

• 1:05:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, low ceilings.

• 1:05:08Speaker 02

  It's the coolest room in New York.

• 1:05:09Speaker 01

  It is very cool.

• 1:05:10Speaker 02

  Especially late night, you can do jokes about like drugs and O Ds and anything, any sort of felching. And they're just like, we're already here with you.

• 1:05:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:19Speaker 02

  On gross.

• 1:05:20Tom Segura?

  On gross, we can keep going.

• 1:05:21Speaker 01

  I'm proud of it, though, and I think it would be nice to get like an audience, because I've just been touring and like, people are just showing up and some know what I do and some don't. And, I mean, I've had lots of people walk out.

• 1:05:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:33Speaker 02

  You opened for me on a full tour.

• 1:05:36Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:05:36Speaker 02

  For a while, on the Juke tour. And it was like, always like, people didn't know you, but they were always like, hey, who was that lady?

• 1:05:42Speaker 01

  But tho- those would be like my fans, though. You know, I've also opened for Patton Oswalt. And like, some of those people would love me, and then some of them were like, not happy.

• 1:05:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but that means you're doing something interesting also. You know what I mean? Like.

• 1:05:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, I guess.

• 1:05:54Tom Segura?

  I think that if everybody loves you.

• 1:05:56Speaker 02

  If Patton, Louis and me can be like, I need you to like, start the show up.

• 1:05:59Tom Segura?

  You're doing something right. You're doing something right.

• 1:06:02Speaker 01

  I guess.

• 1:06:04Tom Segura?

  I want to see if your J D R goes off on this.

• 1:06:06Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:06:07Speaker 05

  What's up?

• 1:06:07Speaker 06

  Salaam alaikum sir.

• 1:06:08Speaker 05

  What's up?

• 1:06:09Speaker 06

  You speak Arabic?

• 1:06:10Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:06:10Speaker 06

  Or English?

• 1:06:11Speaker 05

  English.

• 1:06:12Speaker 06

  Nice to meet you.

• 1:06:12Speaker 05

  What's up? What's up? What's up? What's going on?

• 1:06:14Speaker 06

  Nothing, it's okay.

• 1:06:15Speaker 05

  What in? You guys need help?

• 1:06:17Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 1:06:17Speaker 05

  What do you need help with?

• 1:06:19Speaker 06

  I need you.

• 1:06:23Speaker 02

  Why reach into the car?

• 1:06:27Speaker 02

  Drive away.

• 1:06:28Tom Segura?

  He's just trying to.

• 1:06:31Speaker 05

  What happened?

• 1:06:32Speaker 06

  Huh?

• 1:06:33Speaker 05

  What happened? Your car's okay?

• 1:06:35Speaker 06

  Brother, me are from Dubai Arabia.

• 1:06:37Speaker 05

  Brother, no, I'm trying to, what happened?

• 1:06:39Speaker 06

  I need your help, I have a problem.

• 1:06:41Speaker 05

  What happened?

• 1:06:42Speaker 06

  Me today, I'm put my wallet in the top, I driving, I lost my debit, my credit, my money, everything.

• 1:06:47Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:06:48Speaker 06

  I'm not from here, I'm from Dubai, Los Angeles.

• 1:06:51Speaker 02

  Dubai, Los Angeles?

• 1:06:52Tom Segura?

  Dubai, Los Angeles.

• 1:06:53Speaker 06

  Look, please.

• 1:06:54Speaker 05

  No, no, it's.

• 1:06:54Speaker 06

  It's fine, it's fine. But tell me, what happened? Help me man, some money, gas for go home. I lost my money, my credit debit card, they lost everything. I give you my ring gold, anti-kerats for your deposit. I need to help you my American money, gas for go home, brother. Okay. Alhamdulillah. Do you know you're a scammer? Huh? You know you're a scammer, right? Well, fuck you. I know, I know, you scammer.

• 1:07:17Speaker 02

  I immediately knows he's caught.

• 1:07:21Tom Segura?

  All good.

• 1:07:21Speaker 02

  With that car?

• 1:07:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:24Speaker 01

  I don't help anybody.

• 1:07:25Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:07:26Speaker 02

  No, nobody.

• 1:07:27Speaker 01

  Nope.

• 1:07:28Tom Segura?

  It's also because of a New York life.

• 1:07:31Speaker 01

  Maybe, but I just don't trust anyone.

• 1:07:33Tom Segura?

  Somebody comes up to you, excuse me, help me. I've had that so many times, by the way.

• 1:07:37Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:07:37Tom Segura?

  The, I've been at a gas pump and somebody goes, can I, can you help me out?

• 1:07:40Speaker 02

  I fell for it once in Maryland.

• 1:07:42Tom Segura?

  With, you did?

• 1:07:43Speaker 02

  I need help, I gotta see my kid, I'm, I'm, I'm like, alright, here's ten dollars. When I need, when I needed it.

• 1:07:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:48Speaker 01

  Man. That's really nice.

• 1:07:50Speaker 02

  No, it was a fucking fool's move.

• 1:07:52Speaker 01

  It was, but...

• 1:07:53Tom Segura?

  It was, but it was because you're nice.

• 1:07:54Speaker 02

  You ever have the one where the guy bumps into you and drops a bunch of food?

• 1:07:57Speaker 01

  Nope.

• 1:07:58Speaker 02

  And goes, oh fuck, yeah, I just found that one.

• 1:08:00Speaker 01

  And what is it, you help, start to help them?

• 1:08:02Speaker 02

  And they're like, oh, I'm so sorry, drops this, this thing comes out, food goes over and goes, fuck, that was my dinner.

• 1:08:08Speaker 01

  Oh, well, boy.

• 1:08:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was with somebody and I was like, let's go. And they're like, no, I gotta help them, like, let's go. It's an obvious, first of all, he just happened to bump into you with a Tupperware that wasn't sealed. And it's just slices of bread.

• 1:08:20Speaker 01

  So just eat it.

• 1:08:21Speaker 02

  Eat it.

• 1:08:21Tom Segura?

  Eat it, dude.

• 1:08:22Speaker 02

  Eat it, eat the fucking straight bread off the floor.

• 1:08:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's all you're eating anyway.

• 1:08:27Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 1:08:29Tom Segura?

  I can get you some more bread if you want, man.

• 1:08:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:31Speaker 02

  Get you six more slices of plain bread.

• 1:08:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I saw a

• 1:08:35Speaker 02

  Scam.

• 1:08:35Tom Segura?

  Schizo guy in the, like, a little sandwich shop.

• 1:08:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:40Tom Segura?

  And some guy was like, uh, hey, man, what, what, what do you want? I'll get you something. And the guy was like, oh, uh, yeah, I want a coffee. And, um, like, this sandwich. He's like, I, I got it. So he pays for it. And I watched the guy take the coffee and I watched him empty, like, eighteen packs of sugar. Like, one by one into it. And I'm like, that's a lot of sugar, right? Like, just over, and I'm like... Fucking nuts. He empties them, stirs it up. And then they're like, what do you want on the sandwich? And he's like telling them, he's like, I don't want that fucking shit. He starts just like screaming, just losing his mind, like just going fucking crazy. And I was like, cool.

• 1:09:23Tom Segura?

  This is what you get for buying the sandwich.

• 1:09:25Speaker 01

  One time I did buy a girl. She was in a park, I was parking in New York City and New York City is so hard to find parking. She was standing in this spot that I wanted to park in. And she was like, oh, I just came back from the hospital. My boyfriend beat me. I'm pregnant with twins. I went and bought her like a Sam, I mean, I spent like eighteen dollars. I was like, and then somebody else asked me for money. I was like, go get it from that lady.

• 1:09:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:50Speaker 01

  She's like, I already gave her, nope, no more.

• 1:09:53Speaker 02

  Baby form was a big one. They asked for baby form because they could trade that in for a lot of money.

• 1:09:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:09:56Speaker 02

  Remember when we saw, we were having a coffee, we saw some guy in the middle of the road. A car behind him honking. He was slowly walking.

• 1:10:03Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:10:04Speaker 02

  In the mid, wouldn't move.

• 1:10:05Speaker 01

  But the car also wouldn't go around him.

• 1:10:07Speaker 02

  Wouldn't go around. And he was just like, it was like a parade. Just blaring the horn. And the guy was like, no, I'm standing my ground. Normal West Village.

• 1:10:17Speaker 01

  He was homeless.

• 1:10:18Speaker 02

  Yeah. I said, the one, one guy, I saw, I'll see their techniques. One guy will like in front of the cellar will lay down and cry on the street like he'd just fallen. And the, but then if like Steve or somebody's like, buddy, not today. He goes, all right. And he gets up and walks.

• 1:10:31Speaker 01

  They, they do that.

• 1:10:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:33Speaker 02

  I heard one, somebody was shutting down a Judd Apatow movie, just by screaming. What he's doing, maybe it was the Pete Holmes show. And then he was just screaming. And they're like, what, what, what, stop. Like, he's like, well, I'm allowed to scream. He just screamed like, what do you need? He's like, give me two dollars.

• 1:10:47Speaker 01

  He could have gotten way more.

• 1:10:48Tom Segura?

  So much more.

• 1:10:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:49Speaker 01

  Two dollars, that's great. There was a black homeless guy and he came up to us and we didn't give him money. And he's like, you guys are all racist. And we're like, well, we're definitely not going to give you money now.

• 1:10:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you just.

• 1:10:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:59Speaker 02

  Also.

• 1:11:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, but not from this. We also don't get to Hawaii homeless. How about the guy with the bloody hands always wanting high fives? You just catch people coming out of the cellar and then you start to do it and then it's like, it's always a bloody hand.

• 1:11:14Tom Segura?

  I've, I've walked out of a 7-Eleven and the guy was sitting there and I was like, all right. And then he reaches up to get the money and his hand is just so gross. Yeah. So I'm like, I go, no, no, no, like, don't, don't reach out with your thing. Just let me drop it, you know?

• 1:11:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:31Tom Segura?

  So.

• 1:11:32Speaker 02

  It's like Plinko.

• 1:11:33Tom Segura?

  And it just kinda floats down.

• 1:11:35Speaker 01

  7-Eleven is their headquarters.

• 1:11:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:38Speaker 01

  It's where they all meet.

• 1:11:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah. You don't want to be fucking 7-Eleven.

• 1:11:41Speaker 01

  7-Eleven's disgusting.

• 1:11:42Tom Segura?

  Unless you're in Tokyo.

• 1:11:44Speaker 02

  Then they're nice.

• 1:11:46Tom Segura?

  The cleanest, most amazing, like you're like, this doesn't exist where we live. Like the, the toilet has a Toto washlet.

• 1:11:55Speaker 02

  What? There's a toilet at 7-Eleven?

• 1:11:57Tom Segura?

  Like in a pristinely clean bathroom. Unbelievable. Like every day you'd be like, you want to go take a shit at 7-Eleven like that?

• 1:12:05Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:12:05Speaker 01

  Wow. You can't do that here?

• 1:12:06Tom Segura?

  No, you can't.

• 1:12:07Speaker 02

  No. Wawanch in Philadelphia has black lights, so people can't find their veins.

• 1:12:13Speaker 01

  That's pretty smart.

• 1:12:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:12:15Tom Segura?

  So they'll stop shooting up?

• 1:12:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:12:18Speaker 01

  That's hilarious.

• 1:12:20Speaker 02

  How do you expense that? Like, let's just get it. Can't lose somebody else.

• 1:12:25Tom Segura?

  What is this? Hold on.

• 1:12:27Speaker 02

  Oh, boy.

• 1:12:29Speaker 02

  This guy means business. Shrink of steel.

• 1:12:33Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:12:33Speaker 02

  Oh, he's gonna work out.

• 1:12:34Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:12:35Speaker 02

  Nope. Please, dude.

• 1:12:38Tom Segura?

  This guy's rad.

• 1:12:40Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:12:43Speaker 02

  Oh, great.

• 1:12:45Speaker 02

  Okay. It's just a nice workout.

• 1:12:47Tom Segura?

  That's nice.

• 1:12:48Speaker 02

  Oh, so some of these videos are nice or pleasant.

• 1:12:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah. That's a great video.

• 1:12:51Speaker 01

  That's, that's the whole video?

• 1:12:52Tom Segura?

  I think so. I don't know why it's here.

• 1:12:54Speaker 02

  It's a real misdirect.

• 1:12:57Speaker 01

  He has a lot of stuff in his room.

• 1:12:59Tom Segura?

  He does got a lot of stuff.

• 1:13:00Speaker 01

  On the floor. One time a guy sent me a video of a dick pic and it was like that kind. He had a bunch of stuff everywhere.

• 1:13:07Speaker 02

  You think we're only focusing your dick?

• 1:13:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and you're like, this is a real-

• 1:13:10Speaker 01

  No, there's a lot of stuff on the floor.

• 1:13:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's mad because-

• 1:13:13Tom Segura?

  Imagine going over to that place?

• 1:13:14Speaker 01

  No, I had a, I stopped talking to that guy. He told me that he used to be addicted to heroin and I was like, okay. He's like, but I'm clean now. And then he was like, but I have roommates. And I was like, I can't.

• 1:13:25Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:13:26Speaker 02

  The roommates was the line.

• 1:13:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, the heroin was not that bad.

• 1:13:30Tom Segura?

  Do you use, are you on the apps?

• 1:13:32Speaker 01

  Yes, but I'm getting off of them.

• 1:13:34Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:13:35Speaker 01

  It's just, it's garbage.

• 1:13:37Tom Segura?

  Where's, um, how many are you on?

• 1:13:40Speaker 01

  I'll be on all them and then I'll do one at a time.

• 1:13:42Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:13:43Speaker 01

  And then I'll just go off of it.

• 1:13:45Tom Segura?

  Are you on Raya?

• 1:13:46Speaker 01

  No, I can't get on.

• 1:13:47Tom Segura?

  But now you can.

• 1:13:48Speaker 02

  Why? You're an invitee?

• 1:13:49Tom Segura?

  No, I'm saying because special's gonna-

• 1:13:52Speaker 02

  So, yeah, yeah, you can invite her to Raya.

• 1:13:54Tom Segura?

  Somebody can, you have to, I think, get recommended by somebody on there.

• 1:13:57Speaker 01

  You have to get recommended.

• 1:13:57Speaker 02

  Be a higher level dick.

• 1:13:58Tom Segura?

  It's gonna be much better dick.

• 1:14:01Speaker 01

  I hope so. Yeah, I hope so.

• 1:14:04Speaker 02

  You've fucked some terrible people.

• 1:14:07Tom Segura?

  You should make this happen for her.

• 1:14:08Speaker 02

  I'm on Raya.

• 1:14:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but you can facilitate it.

• 1:14:11Speaker 02

  I can find somebody that can get on there. I absolutely can.

• 1:14:13Tom Segura?

  Do it for her, oh boy.

• 1:14:17Speaker 01

  It wasn't even worth it.

• 1:14:18Speaker 02

  Yes, it was. It was a pleasant, it was a nice change of pace fart.

• 1:14:22Tom Segura?

  It was a nice change.

• 1:14:23Speaker 02

  It was like a sound effect fart.

• 1:14:24Tom Segura?

  It was-

• 1:14:25Speaker 01

  But it wasn't like a good one.

• 1:14:26Tom Segura?

  It wasn't like a hot beefy one.

• 1:14:28Speaker 02

  It wasn't a hot one, but that's an unexpected one. You make a guy wear a condom when you fuck?

• 1:14:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, why wouldn't I? I mean, unless I, I'm like with him for a while and they're my boyfriend.

• 1:14:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:14:37Tom Segura?

  Reasonable answer. Oh, God, wafting it to you?

• 1:14:41Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 1:14:42Tom Segura?

  Oh. Are you seeing someone now?

• 1:14:45Speaker 01

  I think so. Someone's watching my dog, so I think so.

• 1:14:47Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:14:50Speaker 02

  That's a great way to get a guy involved.

• 1:14:52Speaker 01

  I mean, he offered to watch my dog. I was like, sure, I'll save $700.

• 1:14:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:58Speaker 01

  Who knows if we'll be talking when this comes out?

• 1:15:00Tom Segura?

  That's true.

• 1:15:01Speaker 01

  We'll see.

• 1:15:02Tom Segura?

  We'll see. Has he's in the act?

• 1:15:04Speaker 02

  You ever have somebody who's like, I'm done with you after the act?

• 1:15:08Speaker 01

  I think I did see, I did talk to one guy for a bit and then he asked me when I was on, I let him see my degenerate thing and then we never met up. But also when I called, when I was on the phone with him, I didn't realize he lived with his mom. Like he said, mom, I was like, dude, you're 48?

• 1:15:25Tom Segura?

  Forty-eight with his mom? Fuck.

• 1:15:30Speaker 02

  The gall to even ask anyone out.

• 1:15:32Speaker 01

  That's disgusting.

• 1:15:34Speaker 02

  You should be fucking your mom.

• 1:15:36Speaker 01

  My mom?

• 1:15:37Speaker 02

  That guy. It's the only acceptable place if you're living with her.

• 1:15:39Tom Segura?

  Have you ever had friends?

• 1:15:41Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:15:43Tom Segura?

  That, uh, like, like, oh, I did stand up and then you find out they're doing like shows with your mom?

• 1:15:50Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:15:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:51Speaker 01

  I definitely, yeah.

• 1:15:53Speaker 02

  Is she regular? Sorry.

• 1:15:54Speaker 01

  I've had people that meet my mom and they're like, your mom is so nice. And I'm like, that's fake.

• 1:16:01Speaker 02

  You don't know her like you know her.

• 1:16:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's not like, if I had her as a mom, I probably wouldn't do stand up.

• 1:16:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:08Speaker 02

  You do have her as a mom.

• 1:16:10Speaker 01

  But I'm saying like, if I had that version of her as my mother growing up?

• 1:16:13Tom Segura?

  Oh, right, right.

• 1:16:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, I probably wouldn't be doing this.

• 1:16:16Tom Segura?

  Wow. And she brought you to the first mic you did?

• 1:16:18Speaker 01

  She did.

• 1:16:19Tom Segura?

  Did, did you, were you expressing interest?

• 1:16:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:24Speaker 01

  I had wanted to do Saturday Night Live and then she was like, well, you have to do stand up.

• 1:16:30Speaker 01

  And I was like, okay. I, I never wanted to even do stand up like as a kid. That was never my thing.

• 1:16:36Speaker 01

  And then I started doing it and I just fell in love with it.

• 1:16:38Speaker 02

  Well, you just saw her and you're like, I could do this.

• 1:16:41Speaker 01

  No, I never wanted to do stand up. I wanted to like, I guess be on SNL.

• 1:16:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sketches and stuff?

• 1:16:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, stuff like that.

• 1:16:48Tom Segura?

  Do you still have an interest in that?

• 1:16:51Speaker 01

  I don't know. Not really.

• 1:16:52Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:16:53Speaker 01

  I mean, I wouldn't turn it down, but I also think it's pretty bad, the show.

• 1:16:57Speaker 02

  Pretty bad.

• 1:16:58Tom Segura?

  Sometimes it, you know, they, they have. Like I wa- here's the thing, I don't watch the show regularly. I watched when Nate hosted.

• 1:17:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:17:05Tom Segura?

  I thought his show was fantastic. Like, it was, it was really funny.

• 1:17:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, Nate's great.

• 1:17:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, I watched Shane's. I haven't seen one in a while.

• 1:17:13Tom Segura?

  I saw Shane's too, and that was really, really good.

• 1:17:15Speaker 02

  But it's like, all the jokes, like, here's the, the setup, the punchline, and then we're just gonna like, retell that same punchline five or six times, until it's about milked, and then like, we're done.

• 1:17:25Tom Segura?

  The other thing I try, I mean, I, I get, sometimes I, I try to think in terms of the fact that like, they're pumping this out once a week, turning it over the next week, like,

• 1:17:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:17:34Tom Segura?

  you're gonna have.

• 1:17:35Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 1:17:35Tom Segura?

  You have to miss hard, but then they'll have some that hit hard, you know?

• 1:17:38Speaker 02

  Going to it's pretty great.

• 1:17:40Tom Segura?

  I've never been.

• 1:17:41Speaker 02

  Oh, you see the moving pieces, you see all the stagehands setting up a stage while another one's going on, and it's like the live part, you really notice, like, whoa, what a production. It really gets cool when you're there.

• 1:17:50Tom Segura?

  That's cool.

• 1:17:51Speaker 01

  Some of the things are pretty funny, but then some of it, you're like, no.

• 1:17:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, I agree.

• 1:17:55Speaker 01

  But I guess you're right.

• 1:17:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's just, it's a tough, that's a tough task, man, to like, but, week after week.

• 1:18:01Speaker 02

  Anytime you hear somebody say that's a tough task, it's because they're failing. Nobody says that about Tom Brady. That's tough, you know? Trying to run a team and get a...

• 1:18:09Tom Segura?

  But imagine if it's like, right, it's, it's, it's sort of like the write an act a week kind of thing, you know? It's, I mean, obviously it's with a group, but it's still, it's a, it's a huge undertaking.

• 1:18:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:18:19Speaker 01

  I wonder how much stuff gets pitched, and they're like, no.

• 1:18:22Tom Segura?

  No. So much. So much.

• 1:18:24Speaker 01

  Stuff that could be really funny, but they're like, it's too offensive.

• 1:18:27Tom Segura?

  And then they have stuff cut at the, uh, dress rehearsal. So they have dress rehearsal, and they're like, oh, my thing's on, and they're like, nope, it's off now.

• 1:18:34Speaker 02

  There was one with Shane that they showed later, a cut one, that was like, that was funnier than the other sketches.

• 1:18:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

• 1:18:42Speaker 02

  Would you do it?

• 1:18:43Tom Segura?

  I would do it, for sure.

• 1:18:45Speaker 01

  Good morning, you guys pussy.

• 1:18:51Speaker 01

  Did he say, come get this pussy?

• 1:18:54Speaker 02

  What a setup.

• 1:18:58Tom Segura?

  Come on in if you got some pussy. If you got some.

• 1:19:00Speaker 01

  Oh, she got some.

• 1:19:02Speaker 02

  He was so swamped. He was like, haha, I'm alright buddy.

• 1:19:07Speaker 01

  Did you ever watch that video, the girl Pearl dancing? No, she's singing on a table and she falls.

• 1:19:14Speaker 02

  Who's that? Some lady.

• 1:19:17Speaker 01

  This is uh.

• 1:19:18Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:19:18Speaker 02

  Oh, I saw that recently.

• 1:19:19Speaker 01

  Pearl and then she falls and she's like.

• 1:19:22Tom Segura?

  Is it the lady, wait, not the.

• 1:19:23Speaker 02

  Stomping grapes.

• 1:19:24Tom Segura?

  Grape stomp?

• 1:19:25Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:19:25Tom Segura?

  No, a different one.

• 1:19:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, Pearl singing.

• 1:19:27Tom Segura?

  Pearl singing.

• 1:19:29Speaker 01

  If you go on YouTube, Pearl takes a fall, I think, or something.

• 1:19:33Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 1:19:33Speaker 01

  Facebook.

• 1:19:35Tom Segura?

  Is that her?

• 1:19:35Speaker 01

  No, she's a.

• 1:19:36Tom Segura?

  Oh. Oh, shit, that fucking hurt. That definitely hurt.

• 1:19:43Tom Segura?

  Hmm. Well.

• 1:19:46Speaker 01

  Maybe I gotta take it off.

• 1:19:48Tom Segura?

  That's incredible when someone can scrub that shit.

• 1:19:51Speaker 01

  I mean, I doubt it.

• 1:19:53Speaker 02

  No, it's not a cartoon.

• 1:19:56Speaker 02

  This is a lot of searching. Would you, you would host SNL, you wouldn't like be on the show?

• 1:20:01Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, but I would, you wouldn't host?

• 1:20:03Speaker 02

  I'd host once, it's, it'd be fun.

• 1:20:05Tom Segura?

  That sounds like super fun, yeah.

• 1:20:08Speaker 01

  Oh, it's Scarlett, I messed her name up. Scarlett takes a tumble.

• 1:20:11Tom Segura?

  Scarlett takes a tumble. Or like.

• 1:20:14Speaker 01

  I know why her name was Pearl.

• 1:20:16Speaker 02

  I'll get up my favorite meme that Adrian sent me.

• 1:20:18Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 1:20:18Speaker 02

  Can't show anybody.

• 1:20:19Tom Segura?

  There we go.

• 1:20:25Tom Segura?

  That's a big lady, too.

• 1:20:26Speaker 01

  I don't know why she gets on the table.

• 1:20:29Tom Segura?

  Oh, you can hear the table going, don't do this to us.

• 1:20:32Speaker 01

  Like.

• 1:20:39Speaker 02

  It's not.

• 1:20:41Tom Segura?

  I'm so confident, that's the things you're feeling good.

• 1:20:46Speaker 02

  Oh, now she's dancing.

• 1:20:49Speaker 02

  You can hear the creaking.

• 1:20:50Tom Segura?

  The creaking is starting.

• 1:20:51Speaker 01

  The table's like, lady, we're letting you know.

• 1:20:54Tom Segura?

  This is gonna end poorly.

• 1:20:57Speaker 02

  No, no, don't do this. Oh.

• 1:21:04Speaker 02

  It's almost funny when they don't make a noise.

• 1:21:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, silence.

• 1:21:12Speaker 01

  I don't know why she posts this video.

• 1:21:18Speaker 02

  It's the slamming out of the side.

• 1:21:20Tom Segura?

  Oh, that hurt.

• 1:21:22Speaker 01

  I don't know why you would still post that.

• 1:21:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah. She post, well, she posted a version of it, who knows why. Oh, and then the internet gets a hold of it.

• 1:21:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:21:32Tom Segura?

  It's over.

• 1:21:32Speaker 01

  Once I, once I fall.

• 1:21:34Speaker 02

  You can never post it. I've ever shown you this one. Adrian sent it to me and I just love it. It's the most, I just love it.

• 1:21:39Speaker 01

  So good.

• 1:21:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I've seen that. That's good.

• 1:21:44Speaker 02

  It's about that.

• 1:21:45Tom Segura?

  That's good.

• 1:21:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, people will be like, hey, what's that meme? Ari, Ari won't tell me what the meme is.

• 1:21:55Speaker 02

  It can't, it can't go on.

• 1:21:57Tom Segura?

  Isn't that funny that, that, that in, in our circle of life, you just go like, yeah, it's funny.

• 1:22:05Speaker 01

  That's funny.

• 1:22:05Tom Segura?

  But that, that is like the end of you.

• 1:22:08Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 1:22:08Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Yeah.

• 1:22:09Tom Segura?

  That now becomes like your account's taken down. It's like, there's nothing.

• 1:22:13Speaker 02

  That is weird. It's like, but I find it funny. I'm enjoying it.

• 1:22:16Tom Segura?

  And hopefully, Adrian's account gets taken down shortly after today. Her special, The Dark Queen, is out on Netflix. If you have not, you've seen it. One of the funniest people working today.

• 1:22:28Speaker 02

  Facts.

• 1:22:29Tom Segura?

  Congratulations.

• 1:22:30Speaker 01

  Thank you so much.

• 1:22:31Tom Segura?

  There's a world of hatred coming to you and we're excited for you.

• 1:22:33Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:22:34Tom Segura?

  Are you gonna be touring after, like, are you going on a tour right after it or are you built, are you back?

• 1:22:39Speaker 02

  It's Cleveland.

• 1:22:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, I have a couple of dates. I'm gonna go on tour with you in January, February.

• 1:22:44Tom Segura?

  Are you building or are you, are you ready to go? You're building a new hour?

• 1:22:46Speaker 01

  I'm building.

• 1:22:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:48Speaker 01

  I probably have like 25.

• 1:22:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah. This is kind of the fun time again, because 25, you know, like, oh, I can do it again. It's not like when you have your new three and you're like, I don't know if I could do this again.

• 1:22:57Speaker 01

  I don't know if I could do it again.

• 1:22:59Tom Segura?

  But honestly, congratulations. I'm very happy for you.

• 1:23:01Speaker 01

  Thank you so much. It means a lot.

• 1:23:02Tom Segura?

  That it's happening.

• 1:23:03Speaker 02

  You're so funny. I'm just excited people are finally gonna see it.

• 1:23:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's what's gonna happen. So many people are gonna see it. And then, you be tripping, Ari Shaffir's podcast that we produce, that you put out every Monday. Travel stories, right?

• 1:23:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, you gotta do it.

• 1:23:19Tom Segura?

  I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I think we said we'll get together in December and do it. That'd be fun.

• 1:23:23Speaker 02

  I love it.

• 1:23:24Tom Segura?

  Okay. Uh, thank you both for coming.

• 1:23:27Speaker 02

  Buddy.

• 1:23:27Speaker 01

  Thanks for having me.

• 1:23:28Tom Segura?

  Always good to see you.

• 1:23:29Speaker 02

  Keeping the fat off.

• 1:23:31Tom Segura?

  Trying, man. You can tell, right?

• 1:23:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:23:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Fucking.

• 1:23:36Speaker 02

  I should say something smarmy now, but.

• 1:23:37Tom Segura?

  No, no.

• 1:23:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, way to go.

• 1:23:39Tom Segura?

  Eating well.

• 1:23:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:23:40Tom Segura?

  Training. I'm gonna be naked soon on camera.

• 1:23:42Speaker 02

  Really?

• 1:23:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And I have to shave my face.

• 1:23:46Speaker 02

  Oh, what?

• 1:23:47Tom Segura?

  I haven't shaved my face. Like, you know, you have half a face shaved.

• 1:23:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:23:51Tom Segura?

  I have to shave my whole face.

• 1:23:53Speaker 01

  Start with half.

• 1:23:54Speaker 02

  Hey, buddy, I know I told you, like, like, uh, it seems in passing and it's like a joke and you've always been supportive, but like legitimate, I really wanna do that clapping thing one day. The like, Tom Segura's new show.

• 1:24:04Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:24:04Speaker 02

  Scene four, take five, just like whatever.

• 1:24:06Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:24:07Speaker 02

  With the clapper.

• 1:24:08Tom Segura?

  You can do that.

• 1:24:09Speaker 02

  Okay, but don't, don't forget about me.

• 1:24:10Tom Segura?

  All right.

• 1:24:11Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:24:11Tom Segura?

  Okay. You can do it. I promise.

• 1:24:14Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:24:14Tom Segura?

  I mean, we start shooting in a week.

• 1:24:16Speaker 02

  Where?

• 1:24:17Tom Segura?

  Here in Austin. And we are shooting until mid-November.

• 1:24:20Speaker 02

  All right, let me see if I can stop in somewhere.

• 1:24:22Speaker 01

  Oh, wow, see?

• 1:24:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:24:25Tom Segura?

  You're like, eh, thinking of getting it.

• 1:24:27Speaker 01

  Don't forget about me.

• 1:24:28Speaker 02

  No, I'll fly out and do it.

• 1:24:29Speaker 01

  You gotta get a Southwest ticket.

• 1:24:33Speaker 02

  I wish. I'm a frontier, baby.

• 1:24:35Tom Segura?

  Whoa. All right. Um, now you guys are the best. Thank you. We'll see you guys next week.

• 1:25:35Tom Segura?

  That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's a good one. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's a good one. Yep. Dr. Trumpet, Dr. Trumpet, Dr. Trumpet, Dr. Trumpet, Dr. Trumpet, Trumpet.

• 1:25:55Tom Segura?

  Trumpet.

• 1:25:58Tom Segura?

  Trumpet.

• 1:26:01Tom Segura?

  Trumpet.

• 1:26:10Tom Segura?

  I can see the joy in your face.

• 1:26:26Tom Segura?

  The Banana Plantation. It's bananas.

• 1:26:34Tom Segura?

  It's bananas.

• 1:26:49Tom Segura?

  This feels special. It does.

• 1:26:56Tom Segura?

  That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's a good one. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's a good one. That's, that's, that's, that's a good one. Dr. Trumpet, Dr. Trumpet, Dr. Trumpet, Dr. Trumpet, Dr. Trumpet, Trumpet.

• 1:27:32Tom Segura?

  Hey, you just watched an episode of Your Mom's House. I hope you enjoyed it, and if not, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one. They're everywhere, look, I don't know. You place them in like cubes or squares or whatever they say. Just click another one, and maybe you'll find one you like. Or someone will get hurt and everybody likes that. Don't forget to subscribe.