Elle Orlando

Andrew Santino sits down with the hilarious and unpredictable Elle Orlando to talk comedy chaos, insane audience stories, bad dates, and how she turned awkward life moments into stand-up gold. What does Santino think of the gift she brought? Tune in to find out. No whiskey this time just unfiltered honesty and nonstop laughs. 🎤 See Elle Orlando live: https://punchup.live/elleorlando In this episode: • How Elle went from open mics to viral clips overnight • The wildest crowd she’s ever dealt with • Santino and Elle trade stories about bombing, bad gigs, and weird fans • Why comedians might be the most honest (and insane) people alive 💬 Drop a comment — who’s your favorite up-and-coming comic right now? Check her out on tour! https://punchup.live/elleorlando #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #ElleOrlando #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #FunnyPodcast #Comedians #PodcastClips #FemaleComedian #TikTokComedy ======================================================== Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS HIMS 100% ONLINE TREATMENT https://hims.com/whiskey ======================================================== Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast https://twitter.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Produced and edited by Joe Faria https://www.instagram.com/itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:36Speaker 00

  Let's be honest, you don't go to the holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, cause a stir. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer to whip up new traditions. 'Tis your season to mix it up.

• 0:49Andrew Santino?

  What up, whiskey ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today, and I am on tour. Right now, this weekend, this very present moment, I'm in San Francisco. San Francisco. All sold out this weekend. Thank you, San Francisco. Next week, I'm in Brea, Brea, California. Where are you? Come out and see your boy. Tempe Improv, I go return to ASU. Hammond, Indiana, right before Thanksgiving. Then in the new year, I'm at Windsor, Ontario, Canada. Bethlehem, PA. Hanover, Maryland. Borgata in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Then San Diego. Then Canyonville, Oregon. And of course, I end this little jaunt in Vegas at the Win Casino in Las Vegas in March. So come see me. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. AndrewSantino.com.

• 1:31Speaker 02

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. Who's that creature in the ginger beard? Sturdy and ginger.

• 1:41Speaker 03

  Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are huge. You owe me $5 for the whiskey. $75 for the horse. Ginger, oh, hell no.

• 1:50Speaker 04

  Ginger. I like gingers.

• 1:56Andrew Santino?

  Alright, we're ready. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Dinger. My guest today is one of my favorite people, and I'll say that for all my guests, but I'm here once again today. It's El Orlando.

• 2:03Speaker 05

  El Orlando.

• 2:05Andrew Santino?

  El Orlando, which is not your real name, everybody knows. Your name is El Schoenfieldenstein, but why did you change it?

• 2:12Speaker 05

  Um...

• 2:12Andrew Santino?

  You were afraid?

• 2:13Speaker 05

  Well, yeah, I mean, with all the Israel and Palestine stuff.

• 2:18Andrew Santino?

  Good move. Good move.

• 2:20Speaker 05

  I thought I should change it.

• 2:21Andrew Santino?

  You thought you had to get rid of all that stuff?

• 2:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. I just don't want to be connected to anything.

• 2:25Andrew Santino?

  That was my first thought, was Orlando's not your real name.

• 2:27Speaker 05

  It is my real name. That's what everyone thinks.

• 2:29Andrew Santino?

  But it does feel like a stage name.

• 2:31Speaker 05

  It is my real name. It is, I swear. I swear.

• 2:33Andrew Santino?

  But it does feel like a stage name.

• 2:35Speaker 05

  I guess, but it's Italian. Italian, and if you know anything about Italians...

• 2:41Andrew Santino?

  If you know about Italians...

• 2:42Speaker 05

  Well, you don't know nothing about Italians.

• 2:44Andrew Santino?

  Yes, I do.

• 2:44Speaker 05

  And if you know, if you knew anything about Italians, you'd know that Orlando is Italian.

• 2:51Andrew Santino?

  Is it, though? For real?

• 2:52Speaker 05

  For real, for real. I went to Ellis Island, right? Where my, where my boys came, came true. And, um, me and my dad went, and we went to find our guy, and the, there's so many Orlandos.

• 3:07Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 3:08Speaker 05

  There are Orlandos, it's like, like Orlando, Orlando, Orlando. It's a very common name in southern...

• 3:13Andrew Santino?

  Orlando.

• 3:14Speaker 05

  Orlando.

• 3:14Andrew Santino?

  Orlando.

• 3:15Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:16Andrew Santino?

  That sounds Spanish, though. Orlando.

• 3:18Speaker 05

  I know, but if it's the last name, it's Italian. If it's the first name, it's Spanish.

• 3:23Andrew Santino?

  Is that right?

• 3:23Speaker 05

  That's right.

• 3:24Andrew Santino?

  Santino is not really a last name. I don't think we found any Santino.

• 3:27Speaker 05

  Santino?

• 3:28Andrew Santino?

  It's mostly a first name. Santino Corleone, dude, the Godfather. I got killed in the toll booth.

• 3:33Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, I guess so. Why is it your last name? Were your relatives Nazis and then they changed it?

• 3:38Andrew Santino?

  Yep.

• 3:39Speaker 05

  That's what I thought. That's what, I fucking knew it, dude. You're just, you're just Nazi blood right there, that red Nazi blood.

• 3:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, just streaming through me, dude. I think that, I think the rumor was my grandfather, my, my great-grandfather didn't...

• 3:56Andrew Santino?

  Understand the forms.

• 3:58Speaker 05

  Of what?

• 4:00Andrew Santino?

  And he, his surname was not, was something else. And so they put his first name down as his last name.

• 4:05Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, yeah, they do that.

• 4:07Andrew Santino?

  I think they fucked it up.

• 4:08Speaker 05

  Yeah, they're like, your name's retarded.

• 4:10Andrew Santino?

  Get out of here, Guido. Just get out, get out of here, you fucking Guido wop.

• 4:14Speaker 05

  And he's like 100% Irish.

• 4:16Andrew Santino?

  Come on, leave me alone. Yeah, yeah. Cause my Irish grandfather was like, Santino. They're like, alright, that's fine.

• 4:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's fine.

• 4:22Andrew Santino?

  Well, Irish were the lowest on the totem pole. We just talked about that. We were the bottom.

• 4:26Speaker 05

  You're so, um...

• 4:27Andrew Santino?

  I'm two, I'm Irish and Italian. Two of the lows of the low.

• 4:31Speaker 05

  The worst. That's my dad, Irish and Italian.

• 4:33Andrew Santino?

  I think they liked us the least for some reason.

• 4:36Speaker 05

  I think it's the two worst group of people on the earth combined. So, you're a mutant.

• 4:42Andrew Santino?

  It's the best.

• 4:43Speaker 05

  No, it's, they're, you guys are the most toxic, horrible people.

• 4:47Andrew Santino?

  Hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu. He is too. He's Irish.

• 4:50Speaker 05

  And Italian?

• 4:51Andrew Santino?

  No. No, just an Irish pig. Yeah, pretty Irish. Just an Irish pig.

• 4:54Speaker 05

  Irish is okay, Italian is not great. And, I mean, I, I'm Italian, but I'm just saying Italians are fucking devils.

• 5:03Andrew Santino?

  No, they're not, dude. Don't say that. Most of our listeners are Italian.

• 5:06Speaker 05

  No, I love Italians.

• 5:07Andrew Santino?

  This streams out directly to Milan.

• 5:09Speaker 05

  I love Italians, but they're, they're sneaky fuckers.

• 5:12Andrew Santino?

  I like this Hulk shirt. That's pretty red. I just noticed that.

• 5:14Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 5:15Andrew Santino?

  Hulk smash, dude.

• 5:16Speaker 05

  It's falling apart, but I...

• 5:17Andrew Santino?

  It kinda looks like you a little bit. You kinda look Hulk-y.

• 5:20Speaker 05

  Cause I'm a big fat green guy?

• 5:24Speaker 05

  Thank you. Santino loves to call me fat.

• 5:26Andrew Santino?

  I love calling you fat. It's my favorite thing in the world.

• 5:28Speaker 05

  I said, I said, what should my goal weight be? He said, under 100.

• 5:32Andrew Santino?

  Gotta be. I said, otherwise you're a fatso, you fatty fat. I like calling people fat that aren't fat. It's only funny if you're not fat. If you are kinda...

• 5:40Speaker 05

  You think so? I think it's way funnier if they are fat.

• 5:42Andrew Santino?

  No, if they're fat, it's like hurtful and rude. It's so mean. I know you do that. Wait, L will go up to people and pinch their waist and go, oh, oh, uh-oh.

• 5:50Speaker 05

  Uh-oh, uh-oh.

• 5:51Andrew Santino?

  And then walk away. Oh no.

• 5:53Speaker 05

  Oh no.

• 5:54Andrew Santino?

  Have a good night.

• 5:55Speaker 05

  Bye.

• 5:55Andrew Santino?

  You gonna finish that? Eat up, piggy. I think it is, I said that yesterday to a friend, it's only funny if someone isn't fat to call them fat.

• 6:03Speaker 05

  Yeah, but you're kind of a pussy for that, though.

• 6:05Andrew Santino?

  No, dude, I think it gets in your head more because you're not fat and I go, whatever, fatso, and then you kind of think about it a little bit more.

• 6:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, today you said, lose, lose some weight before you get to this podcast.

• 6:15Andrew Santino?

  I said, before you show up. Can you trim down a little bit?

• 6:18Speaker 05

  A little bit, do some pushups.

• 6:20Andrew Santino?

  And I knew you were eating at that moment, you were probably having breakfast, and I was like, I don't get in her head.

• 6:23Speaker 05

  You thought I ate this morning? That's hilarious.

• 6:25Andrew Santino?

  You don't eat in the morning?

• 6:26Speaker 05

  No, I had a tea. I'm skinny, baby.

• 6:30Andrew Santino?

  You gotta stay skinny.

• 6:31Speaker 05

  Put it on record, I'm skinny.

• 6:32Andrew Santino?

  Do you not eat breakfast?

• 6:34Speaker 05

  Um, I just, I'm not into it in the, I like breakfast food and I can get into it, I can get hungry at any moment, but yeah, I'm just not into it in the morning.

• 6:43Andrew Santino?

  You don't eat first thing when you wake up?

• 6:45Speaker 05

  No, I'm more like a lunch guy.

• 6:47Andrew Santino?

  You are a lunch dog.

• 6:48Speaker 05

  I love, love sandwiches.

• 6:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 6:52Speaker 05

  You could fuck up a sandwich.

• 6:53Andrew Santino?

  See, you are fat.

• 6:54Speaker 05

  And you know what? New York doesn't have the best sandwiches.

• 6:57Andrew Santino?

  I love that we're gonna do that, I love this, because there's so many people from New York gonna be like, what is she talking about?

• 7:01Speaker 05

  No, I know, and they're gonna be like.

• 7:03Andrew Santino?

  We got the best sandwiches, the sandwiches we get.

• 7:07Speaker 05

  I, but I like, I like a nor, like the Midwest has great sandwiches, like a Jimmy John's sandwich.

• 7:12Andrew Santino?

  You like a JJ's?

• 7:13Speaker 05

  Of course, or like a, or like a Mike's.

• 7:15Andrew Santino?

  Potbelly's?

• 7:16Speaker 05

  Jersey Mike's, Potbelly's, oh my god, fuck me up.

• 7:20Andrew Santino?

  She's from, she's from Chicago, she's another Midwesterner on this show.

• 7:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:24Andrew Santino?

  Well, not Midwest, what is it?

• 7:26Speaker 05

  Chirac.

• 7:26Andrew Santino?

  Chirac, that's what she said, yeah.

• 7:28Speaker 05

  Pling, pling, pling, pling.

• 7:29Andrew Santino?

  Murder cap, murder cap, come get shot.

• 7:31Speaker 05

  From hardcore, from the suburbs of Chicago.

• 7:34Andrew Santino?

  From the northern suburbs, the hardest of the core.

• 7:36Speaker 05

  Hardest.

• 7:36Andrew Santino?

  By Six Flags, we talked about that, I love Six Flags.

• 7:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 7:39Andrew Santino?

  We don't even, you know what's so funny is, I only call it Six Flags now because I live in the West Coast, but as a kid, we only referred to that as Great America. No one ever said Six Flags as a kid. When I moved here, they call it Six Flags. Some people say Magic Mountain, but.

• 7:53Speaker 05

  I interchange.

• 7:54Andrew Santino?

  No, see, we only said Magic, uh, we only said Great America when I was a kid. I didn't really know Six Flags was a chain.

• 8:00Speaker 05

  It's kind of like Britain in England, what do you say? It's, it's like the same thing.

• 8:05Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I think I say trash heap. I think I say shit hole. No, we, we love London, don't we? We had a great time. London is great.

• 8:12Speaker 05

  I've never been, but I want to go so bad, I love the accents.

• 8:15Andrew Santino?

  Well, the best part about London is, if you go there now, you get to visit. Uh, Britain and the Middle East at the exact same time.

• 8:22Speaker 05

  Mom's house.

• 8:23Andrew Santino?

  Mom's house.

• 8:24Speaker 05

  We get to go back to mom's house.

• 8:25Andrew Santino?

  We go back to mommy's house. I like, uh, I like Britain. I think I call it England. I don't say Britain. You say Britain?

• 8:32Speaker 05

  Sometime, I, I, it never feels right. I don't know where Britain comes from.

• 8:37Andrew Santino?

  Great Britain.

• 8:38Speaker 05

  Maybe they only use that word in history or something, but...

• 8:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, historically, it's Great Britain.

• 8:43Speaker 05

  It's Great Britain, but then England.

• 8:45Andrew Santino?

  And the United Kingdom. I say that if you really wanna be a pretentious asshole.

• 8:48Speaker 05

  You saying United Kingdom?

• 8:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, we just got back from the UK.

• 8:51Speaker 05

  Oh, UK makes sense.

• 8:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 8:54Speaker 05

  But then, England. England's so proper. They need to figure it out. They need to pick one and then tell us. Because I can't, I can't do, this is what I do every time I talk about England. I say, England, Britain, UK, like, just pick one and we'll go with it.

• 9:09Andrew Santino?

  Right, but that's why we're the best. That's why we're number one.

• 9:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, cuz we just USA.

• 9:12Andrew Santino?

  America forever, dude. America Ferrara forever. America Ferrara forever.

• 9:17Speaker 05

  Oh, wait, I got you a gift.

• 9:19Andrew Santino?

  Did you really?

• 9:20Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 9:20Andrew Santino?

  Give it to me.

• 9:21Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 9:22Andrew Santino?

  Is it expensive? If it's not, I'm gonna be so disappointed.

• 9:24Speaker 05

  It's ki- in, in theory, it could be expensive.

• 9:27Andrew Santino?

  Alright.

• 9:28Speaker 05

  Okay, ready?

• 9:28Andrew Santino?

  What is it?

• 9:30Speaker 05

  It's a lime.

• 9:31Andrew Santino?

  Okay.

• 9:32Speaker 05

  I, I stole it from someone.

• 9:34Andrew Santino?

  This is really disappointing.

• 9:35Speaker 05

  No, no, no. I stole it from someone's yard. It's a fresh lime.

• 9:38Andrew Santino?

  Oh, thank you.

• 9:39Speaker 05

  That's a great gift. A fresh lime off of someone's random tree?

• 9:43Andrew Santino?

  Well, so here in Southern California, we get, this is everywhere. This is in everybody's neighborhood.

• 9:47Speaker 05

  I know, but...

• 9:48Andrew Santino?

  You were just excited because in the neighborhood, you saw a lime tree. You're like, whoa.

• 9:52Speaker 05

  And I stole it, and I'm like, Santino would love this.

• 9:54Andrew Santino?

  They have a tracker inside of this, I'm sure. They know exactly who jacked their limes. In, in my old neighborhood, we used to take the, um...

• 10:01Speaker 05

  How good is that gonna taste?

• 10:02Andrew Santino?

  It's, I'm not gonna eat this. That's insane.

• 10:03Speaker 05

  What?

• 10:05Andrew Santino?

  Just knowing the earth that this came from.

• 10:07Speaker 05

  That's so good.

• 10:07Andrew Santino?

  Would you eat one of these?

• 10:09Speaker 06

  I have a lime tree on my property.

• 10:10Andrew Santino?

  Do you eat it?

• 10:10Speaker 06

  It's, they're so gross.

• 10:12Andrew Santino?

  They're so bad.

• 10:12Speaker 05

  What?

• 10:13Speaker 06

  They're full of bugs.

• 10:14Andrew Santino?

  Think about that. Yeah, you just brought a bug bomb into my studio. Think about the, think about the dirt that this grew in. The soil that this came from is disgusting.

• 10:21Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 10:22Andrew Santino?

  Think about that. LA pig soil. We have pig soil up here. This is real. No, it's very nice. I really appreciate this. I'll, I'll cherish this. This will go right in the trash when you leave. I thought it was gonna be a heartfelt, didn't you kinda think it was gonna be like maybe a... I was like, oh, she got something thoughtful.

• 10:38Speaker 05

  That's so heartfelt, it's from, it's organic. And it's disgusting, like you, so it works out.

• 10:44Andrew Santino?

  See, that's, I knew it was a bit for, I thought, she's gonna, it's, she's gonna have some sort of tie in that it's gross, or it's ugly, or nasty, and that's, I knew that was gonna come up, you fat ass.

• 10:52Speaker 05

  What, you just described you, completely.

• 10:55Andrew Santino?

  Ugly and gross and natural, and, but, but full of bugs?

• 10:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, full of many bugs. Have you ever had a bug inside you, like a tapeworm or something?

• 11:03Andrew Santino?

  I almost one time had a tick in my hair, uh, uh...

• 11:05Speaker 05

  Ew!

• 11:06Andrew Santino?

  In my hair when I was a kid, my mom got it, so otherwise I would've gotten Lyme disease.

• 11:10Speaker 05

  Ooh, my brother and sister both have Lyme's disease.

• 11:13Andrew Santino?

  Do they really?

• 11:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 11:14Andrew Santino?

  Does it do anything to you?

• 11:16Speaker 05

  They're fucked up.

• 11:17Andrew Santino?

  You have Lyme's disease?

• 11:18Speaker 06

  When I was a kid.

• 11:19Andrew Santino?

  From a tick?

• 11:19Speaker 06

  I'd go to the hospital, yeah.

• 11:20Speaker 05

  Yeah, it, it stays with you for life. I mean, we grew up next to a field, so I think that's where they got it.

• 11:28Andrew Santino?

  In the field?

• 11:29Speaker 05

  In the field, yeah.

• 11:29Andrew Santino?

  Guys, please get out of the field!

• 11:31Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, I was always in the field riding my four wheeler.

• 11:34Andrew Santino?

  Did you have four wheelers as a kid?

• 11:35Speaker 05

  Yes. I have a four wheeler, and then my grand, when we go to my grandpa's house, he had a lot of four wheelers.

• 11:41Andrew Santino?

  Now, see, that's the other part of the Chicago northern suburbs, is they had more land, you guys had land.

• 11:45Speaker 05

  Well, also, my, my grandfather, he lives in southern Illinois, so that's more country.

• 11:49Andrew Santino?

  Down south, by, uh, what is it, uh, not Peoria, what's the other one down there?

• 11:52Speaker 05

  Oh, no, it's way south. It's called West Frankfurt.

• 11:55Andrew Santino?

  Oh, so it might as well be Tennessee.

• 11:57Speaker 05

  It's right above Tennessee.

• 11:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it might as well be Tennessee.

• 11:59Speaker 05

  Oh, look, someone, someone knows geography, you little fucking nerd.

• 12:02Andrew Santino?

  I still... She does, you're, this is why I call you fat, dude, because you're mean. I study maps. I like maps.

• 12:09Speaker 05

  I, oh, yeah, okay, so you're autistic.

• 12:12Andrew Santino?

  Maybe. Name a, name a place and I'll tell you where it is, on a map.

• 12:16Speaker 05

  Okay, ooh, let me think of a good one.

• 12:18Andrew Santino?

  I'm really good at this.

• 12:21Speaker 05

  Uh, Toulouse.

• 12:24Andrew Santino?

  Uh, Toulouse?

• 12:26Speaker 05

  Did I just make that up? I might have just made that up.

• 12:30Andrew Santino?

  I think you mean...

• 12:32Speaker 05

  Okay. Mm, oh, Rosemary Beach.

• 12:36Andrew Santino?

  Rosemary Beach is in Florida.

• 12:38Speaker 05

  Where?

• 12:39Andrew Santino?

  Uh, Rosemary Beach is on the Gulf side of Florida, uh, not too far from Clearwater, Tampa.

• 12:49Speaker 05

  No, way higher up.

• 12:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, north of Tampa.

• 12:51Speaker 05

  On the Panhandle.

• 12:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's north of Tampa.

• 12:54Speaker 05

  Okay, well, I didn't, yeah, everything's north of Tampa.

• 12:57Andrew Santino?

  By the way, guessed it right.

• 12:58Speaker 05

  Alright.

• 12:59Andrew Santino?

  Guess it right, didn't I? Didn't I guess it right?

• 13:02Speaker 05

  Well, that's kind of a weird question. Ask me where anything is, I know where it is. It's kind of like, that's an easy.

• 13:07Andrew Santino?

  No, that's not true. You don't know.

• 13:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:09Andrew Santino?

  Where's, uh, where's Billings?

• 13:12Speaker 05

  Montana.

• 13:13Andrew Santino?

  Okay, pretty good. What part?

• 13:17Speaker 05

  Up your ass.

• 13:20Andrew Santino?

  See?

• 13:20Speaker 05

  In the middle, it's in the middle.

• 13:22Andrew Santino?

  It is in the middle. No, it's not at all.

• 13:23Speaker 05

  It's to the east, east side.

• 13:30Andrew Santino?

  Man, I think I do hate you, you fat pig loser.

• 13:32Speaker 05

  Oh, I hate you so much.

• 13:34Andrew Santino?

  You had a coffee this morning and no breakfast?

• 13:35Speaker 05

  No, I didn't have no coffee. I didn't know, I had no coffee.

• 13:39Andrew Santino?

  You don't drink coffee?

• 13:40Speaker 05

  Not if I can help it.

• 13:42Andrew Santino?

  I have to have coffee every fucking day, like a little, I have to, dude, I'm a little brat.

• 13:46Speaker 05

  That sucks, that sucks.

• 13:48Andrew Santino?

  Well, I like it in the morning. You know what it is? You want me to be real?

• 13:51Speaker 05

  I want you to be real. Lay your cards down.

• 13:54Andrew Santino?

  It helps me move in the morning.

• 13:57Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 13:57Andrew Santino?

  If I need to take a shit, I need a drink, I gotta get coffee in the morning.

• 14:00Speaker 05

  Alright. Well, I don't, I don't know. I only drink coffee because of society.

• 14:05Andrew Santino?

  Told you you're supposed to?

• 14:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:07Andrew Santino?

  I know. I think we all kind of do that.

• 14:09Speaker 05

  And then I put sugar in it, but I don't need coffee to wake up or anything. And then when I buy coffee, I sip it like, I take one sip and then I don't drink the rest of it, and then I keep it for days.

• 14:19Andrew Santino?

  And what, you just keep the coffee and then sip it a few more times in the fridge?

• 14:23Speaker 05

  For like a week.

• 14:24Andrew Santino?

  Pretty low maintenance.

• 14:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:25Andrew Santino?

  You don't require anything

• 14:28Speaker 05

  Like?

• 14:28Andrew Santino?

  In the morning?

• 14:29Speaker 05

  No, not really. I mean, I do take Adderall, but I didn't take any today, so.

• 14:34Andrew Santino?

  Why not?

• 14:34Speaker 05

  You're fucked.

• 14:35Andrew Santino?

  Why didn't you skip today? Why'd you skip today?

• 14:37Speaker 05

  Uh, cuz, you know, I forgot to take it, which is half the battle of, you know, I just like ADD, sometimes I forget. But also for like podcasts, I like to be myself and I think sometimes, uh, Adderall just like focus me, it focuses me too much, and then I'm not.

• 14:54Andrew Santino?

  You think you're not you when you're on Adderall?

• 14:56Speaker 05

  I am me, but I'm a more focused me, and I think for a podcast, I like to let my brain go free solo.

• 15:04Andrew Santino?

  Really, Alex Honnold, right?

• 15:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 15:05Andrew Santino?

  El Capitan in the house, dude.

• 15:07Speaker 05

  And I bong, bong, bong, bong. It's actually probably horrible for podcasts.

• 15:12Andrew Santino?

  No, it's good. That, every time I think about that guy, uh...

• 15:17Speaker 05

  Is he still alive?

• 15:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, dude, he's killing it. He's fucking... But every time I think about that guy in that documentary...

• 15:22Speaker 05

  Killing everything but himself.

• 15:23Andrew Santino?

  I know, he won't die. He can't die.

• 15:24Speaker 05

  I, I hope not.

• 15:25Andrew Santino?

  I think about the time in that documentary when that girl was like deeply in love with him. He falls in love in the middle of the documentary.

• 15:30Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:31Andrew Santino?

  And he decides that scaling that mountain is so much more important than love.

• 15:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 15:36Andrew Santino?

  Which is great, cause it's the opposite of like every movie you've ever seen, which is like, this is the most important thing.

• 15:41Speaker 05

  For sure.

• 15:41Andrew Santino?

  And then they realize love supersedes all. But he was like, no, fuck that, I gotta climb. And she's like, but I don't wanna be with you if you climb. He's like, later.

• 15:49Speaker 05

  Yeah, later, bitch.

• 15:50Andrew Santino?

  And she's stuck around, she's still stuck around.

• 15:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:52Andrew Santino?

  But I think it's funny that he legitimately went against every theme that we're taught, which is like, love will prevail, it is the most important thing.

• 15:59Speaker 05

  Well, that is, it, not to, um...

• 16:01Andrew Santino?

  Get deep, dude.

• 16:02Speaker 05

  Be a, be a broken record, but it is autism too. It's choosing rocks over love.

• 16:09Andrew Santino?

  He definitely chose rocks over love. I would sit by the train tracks, counting cars, playing with rocks, realizing, rocks over love. What do you think, rocks over love?

• 16:19Speaker 05

  Rocks over love every day. Rocks are forever. Love is fleeting.

• 16:24Andrew Santino?

  I want that, I want that on a shirt. Rocks are forever. Love is fleeting.

• 16:28Speaker 05

  Have you ever been to those rocks with the presidents? The president rocks.

• 16:33Andrew Santino?

  You remember what they're called?

• 16:34Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 16:35Andrew Santino?

  What is it?

• 16:36Speaker 05

  I'm just, do you remember? I'm quizzing you.

• 16:40Andrew Santino?

  I've never been, I've never been to Rushmore. I don't think I have any interest in seeing that.

• 16:45Speaker 05

  Me neither. I would, I would have a lot of interest in destroying it.

• 16:48Andrew Santino?

  You wanna break it down?

• 16:49Speaker 05

  I just wanna...

• 16:50Andrew Santino?

  You wanna put up your own picture up there?

• 16:52Speaker 05

  Nah, I could.

• 16:53Andrew Santino?

  Who's on your Mount Rushmore of, uh...

• 16:56Speaker 05

  People?

• 16:56Andrew Santino?

  People.

• 16:56Speaker 05

  Oh, okay. So I know for sure, Angelina Jolie, huge fan, love her to death. I know she would hate my ass, but I love her so much.

• 17:03Andrew Santino?

  Why would she hate you?

• 17:04Speaker 05

  She would hate me. Cause Angelina Jolie is this beautiful, very intelligent, earnest, she's so earnest. She, she probably doesn't like jokes too much.

• 17:15Andrew Santino?

  You think fucking around would make her uncomfortable?

• 17:17Speaker 05

  It's not, not uncomfortable, but I, I don't think, I think I would say something about something and then she would be like, ah, that's kinda mean.

• 17:25Andrew Santino?

  Because she's pretty progressive and.

• 17:27Speaker 05

  Not even progressive, but you know, she's just earnest, she like cares, she's a bleeding heart, she's, you know, she adopts from every country, you know, like she loves every, you can't, you can't.

• 17:39Andrew Santino?

  But is that really who she is, or is that a great persona that they've painted for us?

• 17:42Speaker 05

  I mean, I would love if she loved jokes, but I don't see it, but I'm obsessed, I've been obsessed with her, like since I was a kid, I was like, I just.

• 17:50Andrew Santino?

  You love, you're a Jolie head.

• 17:52Speaker 05

  I love her so much.

• 17:53Andrew Santino?

  All right, who's number two on the rock wall? On Mount Rock, Mount, Mount Rock.

• 17:57Speaker 05

  I'm gonna have to say Brad Pitt, just kidding, I don't.

• 18:01Andrew Santino?

  So stupid.

• 18:02Speaker 05

  So stupid, no, not Brad Pitt, um, I, ah, fuck. Adam Sandler.

• 18:07Andrew Santino?

  Sando is up there, that's a good one, I like that, he's the man.

• 18:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 18:11Andrew Santino?

  So Angelina Jolie, Adam Sandler.

• 18:15Speaker 05

  Um, Hillary Clinton.

• 18:17Andrew Santino?

  What is she doing up there?

• 18:18Speaker 05

  Just kidding. Can you imagine?

• 18:21Andrew Santino?

  She knows all their secrets.

• 18:22Speaker 05

  Can you imagine?

• 18:23Andrew Santino?

  You have to put me up there, I know who's on the list. She knows, she knows who's on the list.

• 18:27Speaker 05

  I would put Putin up there, just in case we get, you know, attacked.

• 18:32Andrew Santino?

  It is smart, that is, keep your enemies closer.

• 18:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, Putin's up there.

• 18:35Andrew Santino?

  All right, so it's Putin, Jolie, Sandler.

• 18:39Speaker 05

  Is there, how many?

• 18:40Andrew Santino?

  Four heads.

• 18:41Speaker 05

  Four, okay, I would put a cat for sure, I love cats.

• 18:44Andrew Santino?

  All right, so now you're out.

• 18:45Speaker 05

  What?

• 18:46Andrew Santino?

  That's four.

• 18:47Speaker 05

  Oh, they're just, just four?

• 18:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you can only put four people up on the rock wall. What kind of cat, you don't have a cat?

• 18:52Speaker 05

  No, but I love cats, I think they're great, great things, you know?

• 18:56Andrew Santino?

  You like cats over dogs, you're this kinda?

• 18:58Speaker 05

  No, I like, I like dogs, but I just love a cat energy, where like, they don't want you to rush to them, they come to you, it's not this whole like, I'll die for you type of energy.

• 19:09Andrew Santino?

  You're very much a cat.

• 19:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 19:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you're like, you come to me, I don't, I don't need to impress you.

• 19:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, and I'm skinny and.

• 19:18Andrew Santino?

  For now, dude.

• 19:19Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 19:19Andrew Santino?

  That's when, I cannot wait till as your comedy career continues, the, how fat you get. I'm excited to see that. HBO presents The Motherlode.

• 19:29Speaker 05

  Wait, I would actually love that, cause then I could do like fat people jokes. That's the best part about being fat, you can joke about fat people.

• 19:36Andrew Santino?

  And you can't joke about being skinny, it's not funny.

• 19:38Speaker 05

  It's not funny at all.

• 19:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's almost rude.

• 19:41Speaker 05

  Wait, what's your Rushmore?

• 19:42Andrew Santino?

  What, my Mount Rushmore? Who's up, who's at the top?

• 19:45Speaker 05

  Yeah, who's at the top?

• 19:47Andrew Santino?

  Probably, um, I would say, I would probably say my Mount Rushmore of like people of all time, cool people of all time, um, Paul Newman.

• 20:01Speaker 05

  Oh, he's cool. Ooh, I wanna change mine.

• 20:03Andrew Santino?

  Can't, it's fucking stone. It's heavy, they already did it.

• 20:07Speaker 05

  Okay, okay, fine.

• 20:08Andrew Santino?

  Paul Newman, number one, pretty good choice, right? One for one right now.

• 20:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 20:13Andrew Santino?

  Um, and then second would be, um, Martin Luther King, not Junior, his dad.

• 20:21Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 20:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 20:22Speaker 05

  Why?

• 20:23Andrew Santino?

  Just to throw people off.

• 20:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 20:25Andrew Santino?

  They'd be like, that's Martin Luther King, you're like, it's Martin Luther King, Dr. King, but not Dr. King Junior.

• 20:28Speaker 05

  The original one.

• 20:29Andrew Santino?

  It's the, it's the first one, it's one of one.

• 20:31Speaker 05

  It's the one that beat his kids.

• 20:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's the other one. He did not have a dream.

• 20:37Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 20:38Andrew Santino?

  He couldn't sleep, he was riddled with anxiety.

• 20:40Speaker 05

  Insomnia.

• 20:41Andrew Santino?

  Number three would be, um, AOC.

• 20:48Andrew Santino?

  Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, is that her, is that her name? Did I say her name right? AOC, no, I'm kidding, not AOC, I just wanted to put something in there and shake it up. Um, what's the little girl, the, the little film? Greta Thunberg. Greta Thunberg, I'd put her up there.

• 21:00Speaker 05

  The little villain?

• 21:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 21:01Speaker 05

  Oh my god, she, that girl is crazy.

• 21:05Andrew Santino?

  Why do you say, why, why would you do this to the people of the?

• 21:08Speaker 05

  Going to-

• 21:08Andrew Santino?

  I will be arrested.

• 21:10Speaker 05

  Taking a boat to Israel, I'm like, girl, just chill.

• 21:14Andrew Santino?

  Cut it out, shut up.

• 21:15Speaker 05

  That's such a, you're, you're on a press tour right now.

• 21:18Andrew Santino?

  And she, by the way, good press for her, she knows what she's doing.

• 21:21Speaker 05

  I know.

• 21:21Andrew Santino?

  If, if comics had half of the press cleverness that that girl has, we'd all be famous.

• 21:26Speaker 05

  I think so too.

• 21:27Andrew Santino?

  Cause she's so good at being like, how can I piss people off and get attention? And then they arrest her, they always arrest her.

• 21:33Speaker 05

  And almost die.

• 21:34Andrew Santino?

  Almost die.

• 21:35Speaker 05

  That, I, I was really afraid, like I was kinda getting upset, I'm like, she's gonna fucking die and I'm gonna be pissed.

• 21:41Andrew Santino?

  Well, they put, what if she went to, what's it called, Easter Island, isn't that the one where they killed the, the religious people?

• 21:47Andrew Santino?

  What's the one where they go, those religi- the, the, these religious people would go-

• 21:49Speaker 05

  It's called Easter Island?

• 21:51Andrew Santino?

  I thought it was called Easter Island, am I tripping?

• 21:52Speaker 06

  No, that's where the big heads are.

• 21:53Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that's Easter Island, that's cool. What's the one-

• 21:56Speaker 06

  It's like talking about North Sentinel Island-

• 21:57Andrew Santino?

  Sentinel Island, that's the one.

• 21:58Speaker 06

  The untouched people.

• 22:00Andrew Santino?

  And they killed, they killed the, the religious people that came, they speared them to death.

• 22:04Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah, yeah, when they came on the boat.

• 22:05Andrew Santino?

  These people came, like a religious group, were like, "We're gonna introduce them to Jesus Christ." To this, like, land of, of very, um, uh, un- unde- undeveloped- They don't want influence from, you know, the modern world.

• 22:23Speaker 06

  They're uncontacted.

• 22:24Andrew Santino?

  Uncontacted, and these people came, they were like, "We're gonna bring you, we'll tell you about Jesus," and they fucking murdered them on sight.

• 22:30Andrew Santino?

  Isn't that awesome? They murdered them on sight. They were like, "Fuck you," and speared them to death. I mean, they, didn't they capture them and-

• 22:36Speaker 06

  They like spear drones or helicopters if they come too close.

• 22:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, people tried to send stuff over there.

• 22:41Speaker 06

  They'll immediately die because they're not, their disease, we'll kill them with diseases, uninv- like, uneventually.

• 22:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, if we do get there, we will kill them because they're not used to our bacteria.

• 22:50Speaker 06

  It's not good.

• 22:50Speaker 05

  Oh, that's hilarious. We wanted to tell you about Lord Caesar and Jesus Christ and just-

• 22:56Andrew Santino?

  Immediate, but no guns, dude. Just old school, killing you the old way, slow and, and-

• 23:01Speaker 05

  Oh, fuck.

• 23:01Andrew Santino?

  Spear would be tough. Just right through your-

• 23:04Speaker 05

  Oh, fuck.

• 23:05Andrew Santino?

  And you're like, "Jesus, help me!"

• 23:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:08Andrew Santino?

  "Help me!" And then you have to, you have to dislodge a spear through your body.

• 23:11Speaker 05

  Do you think you could live if you dislodged the spear?

• 23:14Andrew Santino?

  You'd probably live longer if you keep it in there, they say.

• 23:16Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, that's right.

• 23:17Andrew Santino?

  You don't wanna take anything out.

• 23:19Speaker 05

  Or would you push it more through and then turn around and try to stab people with it?

• 23:23Andrew Santino?

  Pretty, that's pretty cool. See, you are a war- you're a wartime person.

• 23:26Speaker 05

  You make a little kebab out of yourself.

• 23:31Andrew Santino?

  A kebab killing? He's running around, "Spear sticking out."

• 23:35Speaker 05

  Murder sui kebab.

• 23:37Andrew Santino?

  Murder sui kebab. Mmm, delicious.

• 23:40Speaker 05

  Yum, yum, yum.

• 23:41Andrew Santino?

  What's the worst way to die? For you.

• 23:44Speaker 05

  I think-

• 23:45Andrew Santino?

  If hell's gonna go, what's the worst way to go?

• 23:48Speaker 05

  You know, I would say, uh, lit on fire.

• 23:53Andrew Santino?

  Your fire is bad. Drowning for me.

• 23:55Speaker 05

  Like, that would be fun for you, cuz you're Satan. You probably don't burn, cuz of the ginger stuff.

• 24:04Andrew Santino?

  Fire was good for you, cuz you're a witch, and they should've burnt you years ago.

• 24:09Andrew Santino?

  Drowning to me is the scariest thing in the world.

• 24:11Speaker 05

  Really?

• 24:11Andrew Santino?

  Water is so fucking gross to die in.

• 24:14Speaker 05

  Really?

• 24:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, because.

• 24:15Speaker 05

  You don't say.

• 24:18Andrew Santino?

  Cause wet, dead, wet dead is weird.

• 24:20Speaker 05

  You don't like being wet?

• 24:21Andrew Santino?

  I don't wanna die wet.

• 24:23Andrew Santino?

  Like I've talked about this, like I've said this before that I get a little bit of panic every time I check into a hotel.

• 24:30Andrew Santino?

  Then I'm like, please don't die in the shower in the hotel.

• 24:32Speaker 05

  The shower?

• 24:33Andrew Santino?

  People slip and die all the time in showers and stuff, in tubs.

• 24:36Speaker 05

  Well, yeah, grandpas, you think you're a fucking grandpa, you don't trust yourself to just stand?

• 24:41Andrew Santino?

  If I'm in a quick shower, I gotta run, I'm on the go, and I slip, whoop de pum ping, hit my head, and I die in a fucking Holiday Inn?

• 24:47Speaker 05

  That'd be funny.

• 24:48Andrew Santino?

  I do, I have said this before, this is very, this is gross, but if I did die in a hotel, like it's gotta be a five-star hotel.

• 24:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, for sure.

• 24:56Andrew Santino?

  I'd be so bummed if I die in a fucking three-star hotel.

• 24:59Speaker 05

  Disgusting, yeah.

• 25:00Andrew Santino?

  When I'm on like a gig run, and they're like, all we have in town is, you know, like an Express, Holiday Inn Express, and I'm like, don't die in here, man.

• 25:06Speaker 05

  No, no, you wanna die with like luxury around you, yeah.

• 25:10Andrew Santino?

  Cause you know like, cause you know they'll take better care of you when the paramedics show up.

• 25:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, for sure.

• 25:14Andrew Santino?

  They go to Holiday Inn, they like pull you out by your foot, they drag you into the lock.

• 25:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 25:18Andrew Santino?

  She's, yeah, she's good. I also don't wanna die, I told, I told a joke about that years ago in Montreal, that I don't wanna die naked, that's a huge fear of mine.

• 25:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:30Andrew Santino?

  Cause you're so gross.

• 25:31Speaker 05

  Why would you die naked, just from the shower? Shower tub stuff. Is there any other reason you die naked?

• 25:39Andrew Santino?

  Or if they have to cut your clothes off because you're, you know what I mean, like if you're trapped in a car and they like slice you out of your-

• 25:43Speaker 05

  You get eaten by a shark?

• 25:44Andrew Santino?

  No, I'm saying if you flip a car and they have to cut your clothes because you're like entangled.

• 25:48Speaker 05

  Oh shit.

• 25:49Andrew Santino?

  They do this a lot, they'll have to cut your clothes off because you're.

• 25:53Speaker 05

  You, you keep a sign on your like underwear at all times?

• 25:57Andrew Santino?

  Please don't cut my clothes off, let me die with a little bit of dignity.

• 26:00Speaker 05

  Please keep this on.

• 26:01Andrew Santino?

  Cause I just don't wanna die like a naked woman, a naked woman, regardless of how you feel of your body, it's fine if you die naked.

• 26:10Speaker 05

  No, I don't think so.

• 26:11Andrew Santino?

  No, but listen, but a naked man, because our little penis and our balls, and it's just, it's sad for the- Funny. They, huh?

• 26:18Speaker 05

  Funny.

• 26:19Andrew Santino?

  It's fu, that's what I mean, it's sad, they see your little penis and your little balls, and you're dead, and you're dead, and your little penis is out.

• 26:24Speaker 05

  And it's like, it's like that.

• 26:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's like falling over your nuts.

• 26:29Andrew Santino?

  It's wrapped over your sack. Oh my god. It's weird.

• 26:32Speaker 02

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 26:35Andrew Santino?

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• 27:18Andrew Santino?

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• 27:54Speaker 04

  Ginger. I like gingers.

• 27:58Speaker 06

  There is a guy in Kentucky two years ago who died in a motel shower because the temperatures reached 150 degrees Fahrenheit.

• 28:05Andrew Santino?

  It burned him to death?

• 28:06Speaker 06

  It burned him to death.

• 28:06Speaker 05

  Why are you taking such a hot shower?

• 28:08Andrew Santino?

  Well dude, it's a long day.

• 28:10Speaker 05

  I mean, that hot of a shower, just relax.

• 28:13Andrew Santino?

  Maybe he needed it. No, but it got up to 150 on accident. He probably...

• 28:17Speaker 05

  Was he ginger?

• 28:19Speaker 06

  It's implied.

• 28:21Speaker 05

  See?

• 28:21Andrew Santino?

  Because of the implication. That's insane.

• 28:24Speaker 05

  I mean, I don't know. I think, yeah, I think heat would be the worst, because then you're like, ow, ow, ow, fuck, fuck, fuck.

• 28:30Andrew Santino?

  Burning, slowly burning.

• 28:32Speaker 05

  And then burn victims, I'm like, oh, fuck, you know, it doesn't, it doesn't grow back.

• 28:36Andrew Santino?

  It does, they can skin graft now.

• 28:38Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, they can skin graft, but it doesn't always look the same.

• 28:42Andrew Santino?

  It doesn't look the same, but, but I still think water death, dude.

• 28:45Speaker 06

  What about the people that get killed by chimps?

• 28:47Andrew Santino?

  They rip their face off, like that woman whose face got ripped off.

• 28:51Speaker 05

  I have a bit about this lady, but she is...

• 28:54Andrew Santino?

  The chimp lady?

• 28:54Speaker 05

  Yeah, she's iconic.

• 28:56Andrew Santino?

  Chimp crazy, that one?

• 28:57Speaker 05

  Uh, oh, no, not that one.

• 28:59Andrew Santino?

  Chimp crazy?

• 29:00Speaker 05

  No, the lady I'm talking about happened, well, she, she's in the chimp crazy documentary, but it happened like twenty years ago or whatever in Connecticut. They had a chimp named Travis.

• 29:11Andrew Santino?

  Oh, right, I remember this, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 29:13Speaker 05

  And then he ripped, it wasn't even her chimp, it was her friend's chimp, and then she was coming over to bring the chimp an Elmo. Like little Elmo, and the chimp saw her, ran for, ripped her face off, and I real, I, I...

• 29:26Andrew Santino?

  It's crazy they rip our face, why do they want to rip our face off?

• 29:29Speaker 05

  And the fact that they can is insane.

• 29:31Andrew Santino?

  It's awesome.

• 29:32Speaker 05

  Like, I've really, like, researched, like, what is this ripping? And they literally are just so strong, they take your skin and they rip it.

• 29:39Andrew Santino?

  Ah, it's fucking awesome.

• 29:40Speaker 05

  And it's insane that people go, I want that as a pet. I want that inside.

• 29:47Andrew Santino?

  In my house.

• 29:47Speaker 05

  That's...

• 29:48Andrew Santino?

  And I want to talk to it and play with it.

• 29:50Speaker 05

  Yeah, and that's an indoor pet.

• 29:51Andrew Santino?

  It's an indoor pet. These people that have, I say this a lot, though. Animals for me, unless they're super domesticated, right? Leave them all alone.

• 30:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 30:02Andrew Santino?

  Leave them all, we learned, you want to hear a crazy stat that we learned yesterday?

• 30:06Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 30:06Andrew Santino?

  This is gonna fuck you up. Because we were with a buddy who's from, um, Washington, from northern Washington. Till 2000, oh, I should have made you guess. He knows.

• 30:16Speaker 05

  What?

• 30:16Andrew Santino?

  Till 2004. Bestiality was legal in the state of Washington till 2004. And you know what the rule was? The animal has to be bigger than you.

• 30:27Speaker 05

  That's, that's, you would think it's the opposite of the rule.

• 30:30Andrew Santino?

  No, you, animal has to be bigger than you for them to, uh, for them to justify.

• 30:34Speaker 05

  Oh, or else it's abuse.

• 30:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 30:38Speaker 05

  That's crazy.

• 30:39Andrew Santino?

  Isn't that insane?

• 30:40Speaker 05

  What kind of animals were they having sex with?

• 30:41Andrew Santino?

  Well, this guy got killed by a horse.

• 30:43Speaker 05

  Oh, it's the horse.

• 30:44Speaker 06

  2006.

• 30:45Andrew Santino?

  2006? Oh my god, it was even, oh my god. 2006, he had sex with a horse that killed him, and then finally the state of Washington was like, enough. That's enough.

• 30:54Speaker 05

  The, the horse. You've lost your horse privileges.

• 30:58Andrew Santino?

  Your horse privileges are gone.

• 30:59Speaker 05

  Are gone, are gone. Insane, I mean, it's masochistic to want a fucking horse penis inside of you. Inside your ass?

• 31:08Andrew Santino?

  I know.

• 31:08Speaker 05

  Gee, you can't, you can't just hook up with a black guy, you need a horse. Like, you need a, you need a horse?

• 31:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I mean, you know what? He probably got something from the horse that humans can't give him.

• 31:20Speaker 05

  Like?

• 31:21Andrew Santino?

  There was a level of conversation he was able to have with a horse.

• 31:22Speaker 05

  Like a heavy buck?

• 31:24Andrew Santino?

  Just a big buck.

• 31:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:27Andrew Santino?

  I don't, this, we talked about this though, but I did say, it's disgusting, it's illegal, we're probably gonna have to blank part of that out for YouTube, because we'll get flagged. But, you gotta flag the B word.

• 31:38Speaker 05

  The butt?

• 31:38Andrew Santino?

  You can't, no, you can't say,

• 31:40Speaker 05

  Butt?

• 31:40Andrew Santino?

  Bestiality. There it goes again. They'll flag, they'll flag us for even talking.

• 31:45Speaker 05

  Schmestiality.

• 31:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, so the, so schmestiality was legal in Washington until 06. But I will say, the, I would imagine the incel, I might, do a public shoot, mass shooting, is probably the guy who wants to have sex with animals, and you're like, well, I'd rather that than kill a bunch of people. So that's the, let him do that if he's not gonna kill a bunch of random people.

• 32:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, let him choose, do you wanna have sex with a buffalo? Or, kill a bunch of people? Like, that is, is that what you're saying?

• 32:12Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no, don't give them the option to kill people. No, I'm saying, they probably are like, I'm either gonna, they're like, I'm either gonna shoot up a mall, or I'm gonna have sex with animals, and you're like, please, go to the animals.

• 32:21Speaker 05

  Yeah, your only option is the animals.

• 32:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that is, yeah. Get him away from doing mass shootings.

• 32:27Speaker 05

  But, but they wanna shoot something, how's having sex with something a substitute for shooting?

• 32:32Andrew Santino?

  It might calm them down. I don't know, but it might calm them down.

• 32:37Speaker 05

  Why don't you just give him a bunch of deer and be like, okay, open fire on the deer?

• 32:42Andrew Santino?

  Because eventually he's gonna want to have sex with something.

• 32:44Speaker 05

  That's true. It may be sex, maybe what we're saying is sex is the root cause of shootings.

• 32:51Andrew Santino?

  Kinda, yeah. Or the lack thereof.

• 32:52Speaker 05

  The lack thereof, so you could have the best sex with...

• 32:56Andrew Santino?

  That's why I'm saying the robots, the robots need to speed up. We need, Japan needs to get these completely autonomous machine sex partners ready to go.

• 33:06Speaker 05

  I wonder how big, like, is a horse penis like this big?

• 33:09Andrew Santino?

  You've never seen one on the internet?

• 33:13Speaker 05

  I guess you have.

• 33:14Andrew Santino?

  Oh my god, they're unbelievable.

• 33:16Speaker 05

  But like, I mean, yeah, you've seen it, you've seen it in real, I've seen one in real life, but like, in terms of like, sizes, is it like, this big?

• 33:23Andrew Santino?

  It's like this. It's unbelievable.

• 33:25Speaker 05

  How can that enter a human?

• 33:26Andrew Santino?

  You're oddly curious about it.

• 33:28Speaker 05

  Because it's, that's huge. I can't believe people...

• 33:31Andrew Santino?

  Is this something you're interested in now? And then you want to tell us something on the show?

• 33:34Speaker 00

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• 34:55Speaker 05

  No. I mean.

• 34:59Speaker 05

  I had, look, I haven't had sex with a horse. I've been seeing one, but we have never. I haven't had sex with one, not yet. No. But we've gone on a couple of dates. Why are horses unnecessarily sexy? Just respectfully.

• 35:12Andrew Santino?

  All animals are unsexy. No animals are sexy.

• 35:15Speaker 05

  A horse? They have muscles. They're silky. Chill. Put some clothes on.

• 35:21Andrew Santino?

  Sounds like you want to talk about something.

• 35:23Speaker 05

  No.

• 35:24Andrew Santino?

  Sounds like something's been brewing.

• 35:25Speaker 05

  Nuh-uh. I'm just saying.

• 35:26Andrew Santino?

  Horses freak me out. I hate horses. I loathe, I loathe them.

• 35:30Speaker 05

  I don't hate them, but they don't, they don't connect with me. We don't connect with each other.

• 35:34Andrew Santino?

  People are like, "They're beautiful." You're like, "Mm, I don't know."

• 35:36Speaker 05

  I think they are pretty, but like, you know the people who are like, "I am one with the horse?"

• 35:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they connect.

• 35:41Speaker 05

  I'm not.

• 35:43Andrew Santino?

  Well, you can't even connect with people, let alone horses, so this is a big struggle. You can't connect with any sort of live being.

• 35:50Speaker 05

  So, I'm, yes, I'm very autistic.

• 35:53Andrew Santino?

  No, you're not. You're not.

• 35:54Speaker 05

  I'm not. People, I don't know why.

• 35:57Andrew Santino?

  Do people think you're autistic?

• 35:58Speaker 05

  People have asked, and I'm like, "I'm not gonna find out." I'm the only person on earth that doesn't want to know.

• 36:04Andrew Santino?

  No, don't go.

• 36:05Speaker 05

  I'm not.

• 36:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 36:06Speaker 05

  I'm not. And I don't think I, I think, I think white people think I'm autistic is because if I don't.

• 36:12Andrew Santino?

  White people or Y people?

• 36:14Speaker 05

  Y people.

• 36:15Andrew Santino?

  I thought you said white people think I'm autistic. I think.

• 36:17Speaker 05

  Y people, sorry. You're just, white people are just always on your mind. Because you're a Nazi.

• 36:24Andrew Santino?

  God, dude. Stop telling my secrets on the show.

• 36:30Andrew Santino?

  I thought you, he little, he heard white people too. I thought you said white people think I'm autistic. Because black people are like, "That white bitch is weird."

• 36:36Speaker 05

  No, black people love me. Black people love me.

• 36:40Andrew Santino?

  No, they don't.

• 36:40Speaker 05

  She's like, they're like, "That, that weird girl's cool."

• 36:43Andrew Santino?

  Look at that little weird-ass white bitch.

• 36:45Speaker 05

  No, I, I think I'm just like very particular and I don't. Like, if I see you, a lot of people get upset, I think, when I see them and I don't smile, but I'm like, if there's no reason for me to smile. Like, if I'm not, if we're not friends and you're just like a person, why would I smile when I see you?

• 37:03Andrew Santino?

  You're not a smiley person.

• 37:05Speaker 05

  I smile when I see people I like.

• 37:07Andrew Santino?

  Right, but I don't think, I don't, you don't come across as like a, "Hey, what's up?" You're not that kind of person. No.

• 37:12Speaker 05

  No, and, and people will get mad at me. They'll be like, "What's wrong?" I'm like, I, there's no reason for me to be smiling right now.

• 37:19Andrew Santino?

  The day is shit.

• 37:21Speaker 05

  The day, no, I, I have a good, I'm very optimistic. I, I love, I'm very-

• 37:25Andrew Santino?

  You can't even say the word you don't believe in it so much.

• 37:27Speaker 05

  I am optimistic. I'm a positive person. I like people. I just like the people that I like and nobody else.

• 37:34Andrew Santino?

  Do you really feel that way or are you, because I don't think I'm optimistic, I don't think I'm pessimistic.

• 37:37Speaker 05

  Very posi- I'm a positive person.

• 37:39Andrew Santino?

  I think I'm a realist. I do think I just kinda see things for what they are.

• 37:43Speaker 05

  I do and I, and I believe in like hope and-

• 37:46Andrew Santino?

  But you have hope.

• 37:47Speaker 05

  And magic and ghosts.

• 37:50Andrew Santino?

  You do, you believe in all this?

• 37:51Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 37:52Andrew Santino?

  You believe-

• 37:52Speaker 05

  Yes, but of course.

• 37:53Andrew Santino?

  You have a high level of hope?

• 37:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think so.

• 37:56Andrew Santino?

  Is your initial reaction that things are gonna work out for the better?

• 37:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, for sure.

• 38:00Andrew Santino?

  You truly believe that?

• 38:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:01Andrew Santino?

  That's good.

• 38:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, and like everything, even when bad things happen, it's good, cuz it means there's something better coming.

• 38:08Andrew Santino?

  Do you really believe this or is this-

• 38:09Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 38:10Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 38:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:10Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. I don't think when bad things happen, good things are coming. I think sometimes bad things just happen at random and they're just bad.

• 38:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, but the earth, there is balance. There's good and evil.

• 38:20Andrew Santino?

  But if you're only experiencing negative, then how does the other side, when does the other side come?

• 38:23Speaker 05

  Then boy, is something big, is something good so big is coming your way. Do you know what I mean?

• 38:30Andrew Santino?

  You go with all the starving people all over the world. Something big is coming. It's not a package of food, but it is coming.

• 38:35Speaker 05

  It's gonna be huge.

• 38:36Andrew Santino?

  Wait, do you see it? That's Trump. It's gonna be huge.

• 38:39Speaker 05

  It's gonna be huge.

• 38:39Andrew Santino?

  I know you're dying a slow death now, but it's gonna be huge. Do you believe in the afterlife? Cuz I could see you haunting people.

• 38:46Speaker 05

  For sure. I mean, I don't know. I don't believe there's nothing. I'm not like an atheist by any means. I believe in like God, universe, something. I mean, I think it is science, you know, matter doesn't disappear. You can't destroy it. So it go, and we are all made up of matter, so if we, it can't be destroyed where, it goes somewhere, but I don't know where it goes.

• 39:09Andrew Santino?

  Where would you like it to go?

• 39:11Speaker 05

  Um, up your gys.

• 39:13Andrew Santino?

  I fucking knew it was coming. I was like, Elle's never gonna answer this honestly. As I said it, I was like, she's gonna say something rude.

• 39:19Speaker 05

  She's gonna, no, no.

• 39:20Andrew Santino?

  Where do you think it goes? In your mom's mouth?

• 39:24Andrew Santino?

  Where do you think energy goes? Where do you want it to go then? Where would you prefer it to go?

• 39:28Speaker 05

  Um, I don't know, just somewhere-

• 39:29Andrew Santino?

  Like your energy, when you die, hopefully soon, when you go, where does your energy go?

• 39:35Speaker 05

  Um, into the ether.

• 39:38Andrew Santino?

  So into nothingness?

• 39:39Speaker 05

  No, not, not per se, I mean, I don't really know, I mean, maybe there is some sort of like weird energetic heaven, but maybe, you know, reincarnation's real, maybe you come back and-

• 39:51Andrew Santino?

  So my mom believes in this, like big, my mom, my whole life has believed in this, and my mom is not someone who's like-

• 39:56Speaker 05

  A woo woo.

• 39:57Andrew Santino?

  She's not a woo woo or a whimsy person, she's not, not really, she's kind of straight-

• 40:00Speaker 05

  I mean, she's a dumb cunt, but like, she's not- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, ow, ow, ow!

• 40:05Andrew Santino?

  Talk bad about my mom, dude, you'll get lime all day on my show. Give me back my fucking lime now.

• 40:10Speaker 05

  Break, break, break.

• 40:11Andrew Santino?

  Um, my mom never believed in woo woo stuff, but then she, she has said to me very clearly, she's like, I definitely believe that we come back as other things.

• 40:20Speaker 05

  And then we just don't remember it.

• 40:22Andrew Santino?

  Well, you can't remember, it's not you anymore.

• 40:24Speaker 05

  But I think there are signs.

• 40:26Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you do?

• 40:27Speaker 05

  I mean, this is something, my, I had an old cor- co- coworker, I had an old coworker say this to me, and I thought it was really creepy, but it has-

• 40:37Andrew Santino?

  What was the job, first of all?

• 40:38Speaker 05

  I was a web developer. I had no business being a web developer.

• 40:42Andrew Santino?

  Well, like, running, like, programming?

• 40:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:44Andrew Santino?

  Okay, so I, now I just need the context, so what did this creepy person say?

• 40:48Speaker 05

  So I don't, um, she said, one day I wore a turtleneck, and I never wear turtlenecks, because they make me feel claustrophobic.

• 40:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 40:56Speaker 05

  And I could never wear chokers or like, anything around my neck, because it like, makes me feel like I'm gonna die. And, um, and then my coworker was like, oh, you should wear more turtlenecks, because you look good in them, and I told him, I can't, because claustrophobic, I feel like I'm gonna die. And she said, oh, that's because in a past life, you got your head chopped off.

• 41:15Andrew Santino?

  Okay, this is not real.

• 41:16Speaker 05

  Or you were hung, or something, and I'm like, oh my god, is it? Because other girls, like, they can wear chokers all, all day, every day, I can't even wear like, a necklace that's like, way too close around my neck.

• 41:27Andrew Santino?

  It cre- makes you feel uncomfortable.

• 41:28Speaker 05

  It just makes me feel like, yeah, like claustrophobic is the word.

• 41:32Andrew Santino?

  You did probably get your head cut off at some point. You, I could see you being a, a woman in the past that mouthed off too much, and so they chopped her head off.

• 41:40Speaker 05

  Hee hee hee.

• 41:41Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 41:42Speaker 05

  What, what were you in a past life?

• 41:43Andrew Santino?

  This town square is stupid, off with her head!

• 41:46Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:46Andrew Santino?

  What was I in a past life?

• 41:47Speaker 05

  A beaver.

• 41:50Andrew Santino?

  Dude.

• 41:51Speaker 05

  What?

• 41:52Andrew Santino?

  If you wanna start, let's do it. You wanna be mean to each other? Let's do it today. I can do it.

• 41:55Speaker 05

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 41:55Andrew Santino?

  We can do it.

• 41:56Speaker 05

  Nice. No, no, no.

• 41:56Andrew Santino?

  I probably was.

• 41:57Speaker 05

  I'm sorry.

• 41:57Andrew Santino?

  You know what I was? I was probably, um...

• 42:01Andrew Santino?

  Sometimes I get, uh, something that was, maybe that's the water, maybe cold and wet. Like something that lived low in the ocean.

• 42:07Speaker 05

  That's why you don't wanna die in the water.

• 42:10Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 42:11Speaker 05

  Cause you already did.

• 42:11Andrew Santino?

  I have an intense fear of like...

• 42:13Speaker 05

  Like one of those flat fish that only have a face on one side?

• 42:17Andrew Santino?

  No. Yeah, yeah. No, the one that like can burrow into the sand and just, and like, look like it's the sand.

• 42:23Speaker 05

  Ugh.

• 42:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's what I, I think I was before.

• 42:26Speaker 05

  I could see that.

• 42:27Andrew Santino?

  Hiding in plain sight.

• 42:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:29Andrew Santino?

  Hiding in plain sight.

• 42:30Speaker 05

  That would be a natural transition to ginger.

• 42:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, because now you can't get, now you can't not see me.

• 42:35Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 42:36Andrew Santino?

  Right. This is my curse for, for getting so much freedom before.

• 42:40Speaker 05

  I love gingers. My first boyfriend was a ginger.

• 42:43Andrew Santino?

  You say that, you don't have to say that just to be nice because you made a mean comment about us.

• 42:47Speaker 05

  I'm not. My only serious...

• 42:48Andrew Santino?

  Your first boyfriend was a ginger?

• 42:50Speaker 05

  My only serious relationship in my life for five years, flaming ginger.

• 42:54Andrew Santino?

  How old were you? This is when you were a kid, your first love?

• 42:57Speaker 05

  When I was...

• 42:57Andrew Santino?

  Like a teenager?

• 42:58Speaker 05

  When I was six. No, when I was, uh, I think we started dating when I was 21.

• 43:04Andrew Santino?

  And he was the same age?

• 43:05Speaker 05

  A year older.

• 43:06Andrew Santino?

  College?

• 43:07Speaker 05

  We actually met in high school, uh, but we didn't start dating until I was in college.

• 43:12Andrew Santino?

  Where'd you, where'd you go to school?

• 43:14Speaker 05

  Libertyville. Elville.

• 43:16Andrew Santino?

  I don't know what that is.

• 43:17Speaker 05

  It's, uh, suburban Chicago, you dumb idiot.

• 43:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but they have a school there. I don't know they have a school there. Libertyville University?

• 43:23Speaker 05

  Oh, no, no, high school. I was talking about high school.

• 43:25Andrew Santino?

  I meant, where'd you go to college?

• 43:26Speaker 05

  Oh, Indiana?

• 43:27Andrew Santino?

  Fuck you, dick. See?

• 43:28Speaker 05

  I don't listen when you talk. I'm sorry.

• 43:30Andrew Santino?

  You don't. She doesn't. Indiana University.

• 43:32Speaker 05

  Indiana University.

• 43:33Andrew Santino?

  Go Hoosiers.

• 43:34Speaker 05

  Go. I went, when I first...

• 43:36Andrew Santino?

  Were you in a sorority?

• 43:38Speaker 05

  What?

• 43:38Andrew Santino?

  You were.

• 43:41Andrew Santino?

  What sorority were you in?

• 43:42Speaker 05

  I was, only cause all these bitches told me I was too weird to be in one and so I rushed cause I was like, fuck you guys. And, and I, it was so easy to get in a sorority.

• 43:51Andrew Santino?

  I'm gonna guess which one you were.

• 43:53Speaker 05

  Okay, as if you know. Guess.

• 43:56Andrew Santino?

  Delta cap.

• 43:57Speaker 05

  What? No.

• 43:59Andrew Santino?

  Or, or delta gamma.

• 44:00Speaker 05

  None of this makes sense.

• 44:02Andrew Santino?

  Uh.

• 44:02Speaker 05

  Alpha fee.

• 44:04Andrew Santino?

  All for free?

• 44:05Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 44:05Andrew Santino?

  That's what they used to say.

• 44:06Speaker 05

  All for free, yeah.

• 44:07Andrew Santino?

  The biggest sleuths on campus, that is.

• 44:09Speaker 05

  Literally, Jesus Christ.

• 44:11Andrew Santino?

  Come on in, everyone else is already here.

• 44:13Speaker 05

  Jesus Christ that I ran through that town, but.

• 44:17Andrew Santino?

  You burned through Indiana?

• 44:18Speaker 05

  I burned through that city, god damn, but it was fun.

• 44:22Andrew Santino?

  Was it, was it, was it in Bloomington? No, what is it called?

• 44:26Speaker 05

  Bloomington.

• 44:26Andrew Santino?

  It's Bloomington, right?

• 44:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's Bloomington. I mean, Indiana was the first, like, I was never really attracted to any of the guys in high school. And I was just like.

• 44:35Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no, they weren't attracted to you.

• 44:37Speaker 05

  Uh, well, you don't care.

• 44:38Andrew Santino?

  Here comes L, run, run, run.

• 44:42Andrew Santino?

  Where are you guys going?

• 44:46Speaker 05

  Literally, literally with braces, where are you guys going?

• 44:50Andrew Santino?

  She's dripping food again. It's falling out of your cup. Uh. What, so high school was a no-go and then college you were like, I'm gonna be different. I'm gonna date boys.

• 44:59Speaker 05

  College, I started to get hot and then, oh my god, they were just the hottest guys in college and I was like, Jesus Christ, you guys.

• 45:08Andrew Santino?

  So you liked the sorority lifestyle?

• 45:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, cuz you know what, when I was younger, I saw American Pie, that movie.

• 45:14Andrew Santino?

  It's a good movie.

• 45:14Speaker 05

  It's a great movie and it, and it showed me what I wanted in life, which was to have a fucking crazy college experience.

• 45:21Andrew Santino?

  You did?

• 45:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, I wanted to mud wrestle, I wanted to fucking get drunk, I wanted to party, I wanted to do all that bullshit and I did it all. It was so fun.

• 45:30Andrew Santino?

  And you regret none of it?

• 45:32Speaker 05

  I regret none of it, I mean, was it a huge waste of time? Yeah.

• 45:36Andrew Santino?

  Hundred percent.

• 45:36Speaker 05

  Hundred percent, but I did, you know, I, I made friends, um, that I'm friends with today still, like, four girls, like, I'm, those are my best friends and I've.

• 45:45Andrew Santino?

  They were in the sorority?

• 45:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, Tori is one.

• 45:49Andrew Santino?

  Kelly.

• 45:50Speaker 05

  Kelly is my best friend from home.

• 45:53Andrew Santino?

  And Sarah.

• 45:54Speaker 05

  Not Sarah, Kelly, you know when we.

• 45:56Andrew Santino?

  Aaron?

• 45:57Speaker 05

  No.

• 45:57Andrew Santino?

  Molly.

• 45:58Speaker 05

  No.

• 45:58Andrew Santino?

  I'm just guessing Midwest girl names.

• 46:01Speaker 05

  But me and Kelly, we're friends from home, but we became friends on nine eleven.

• 46:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, it wasn't such a bad.

• 46:08Andrew Santino?

  Big day for you guys.

• 46:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, it wasn't bad for everyone.

• 46:11Andrew Santino?

  You guys are each like the towers.

• 46:13Speaker 05

  Say what?

• 46:13Andrew Santino?

  You're tower one, she's tower two.

• 46:15Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 46:15Andrew Santino?

  How did you become friends on nine eleven?

• 46:17Speaker 05

  Uh, cuz we were in second grade at the time and her, her father.

• 46:21Andrew Santino?

  Second grade? I forget how much, a fucking, you.

• 46:23Speaker 05

  You're so old.

• 46:24Andrew Santino?

  Dude, second fucking grade.

• 46:25Speaker 05

  I'm just a little, little girl.

• 46:26Andrew Santino?

  Well, you were fucking what during nine eleven?

• 46:29Speaker 06

  I was two.

• 46:30Andrew Santino?

  Two years old?

• 46:30Speaker 05

  Jesus Christ. Uh, yeah, her dad was doing.

• 46:33Andrew Santino?

  I was in high school during nine eleven, Billy. High school, Billy.

• 46:35Speaker 05

  High, Billy?

• 46:38Andrew Santino?

  High school, Billy. High school, Billy Madison.

• 46:40Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 46:41Andrew Santino?

  I was in high school.

• 46:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:43Andrew Santino?

  During nine eleven. That's insane. You were in second fucking grade.

• 46:45Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. And, uh, yeah, her dad was, like, he's a landscaper and he was doing our yard, our yarn, our yard and then.

• 46:53Andrew Santino?

  He was like, somebody's gonna have to clean up all that mess.

• 46:55Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 46:59Speaker 05

  And, um, and everyone thought Chicago was gonna be next, so then he asked my mom if she could pick her, uh, like, his kid up and then we became friends.

• 47:07Andrew Santino?

  Dude, you know how funny this is that we did think this way? I don't know why. My mom, cuz we, when we left the city, we went to the, we moved to the suburbs, but my mom still kept her job in the city. She never quit her job in the city cuz she kinda still liked going back down, which always made me think we should've never moved from the city cuz I think she really did miss it. But she kept her job and she would go downtown every day. And when that happened, I remember panicking, calling my mom's office, thinking, what if they hit Chicago? But that's so self fulfilling bullshit. They were never gonna go to Chicago.

• 47:36Speaker 05

  Such as Chicago thought.

• 47:38Andrew Santino?

  What are you gonna hit? The fucking John Hancock building?

• 47:40Speaker 05

  Chicago? Like, I love Chicago, but Chicago thinks they're like, they would love to be a, be a part of nine eleven.

• 47:48Andrew Santino?

  You think those Jagoths are gonna fucking attack us? Listen here terrorists, you think you're gonna fucking come in my fucking city, dude? No fucking way, dude. Take that stuff to the south side. Take that shit to Beverly, pal. You ain't gonna come up here and hit our fucking buildings. Dude, I heard they're gonna, that is so many conversations in Chicago. I heard they were gonna go after the Sears Tower. They were, that's what I heard. You know they were gonna bomb Navy Pier? That was number three on their list. Chicago would make up that we were gonna be next. Yeah. They were gonna do the bean. I heard they were gonna do the bean. If those fucking terrorists dude, if they fucked up Soldier Field, can you imagine what we would have done? I'd have marched over there myself. I don't give a fuck about them.

• 48:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, Chicago did think it was next. I called my mom, panicking, like sad. I was like, are you gonna come home? Are you coming? She was like, yeah, we're all gonna go for the day. And I thought, what if they do? Of course they were. Why would they ever hit? What's Chicag- what would they have hit in Chicago?

• 48:41Speaker 05

  It's literally in the middle of nowhere, like bumbled fuck.

• 48:44Andrew Santino?

  But they could have hit the Merc- you know what? They could have hit the Mercantile Exchange. That would have been big.

• 48:48Speaker 05

  The what?

• 48:48Andrew Santino?

  Trading. The Merc.

• 48:49Speaker 05

  The Merc. I don't know what that is.

• 48:50Andrew Santino?

  Mercantile Exchange?

• 48:51Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 48:52Andrew Santino?

  Big trading floor. You didn't grow up with any people whose parents were traders?

• 48:55Speaker 05

  No. Wow.

• 48:57Andrew Santino?

  I feel like that's definitely northern suburbs. That's where all the money is.

• 48:59Speaker 05

  Uh, no.

• 49:00Andrew Santino?

  You're north of the northern suburbs though. You're not even-

• 49:02Speaker 05

  North of the wall.

• 49:03Andrew Santino?

  Well, cause the good Jewish, rich suburbs that are up there, you guys are- well, you're above them. Right?

• 49:08Speaker 05

  We're, yeah, above. Uh, everyone's family was like pharmaceuticals. Big Pharma.

• 49:14Andrew Santino?

  Right. Big Pharma. Oh, a Big Pharma kid.

• 49:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 49:16Andrew Santino?

  Cause it, cause what is it? Kenilworth, Evanston, those are like nice, rich, where the Home Alone house is.

• 49:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

• 49:24Andrew Santino?

  That's all the nice, rich suburb. Those people were all like day traders and all that shit.

• 49:27Speaker 05

  I mean, Libertyville's like, like, middle class and then there was like Lake Forest and stuff like that. But my friend's dad was like the COO of Abbott.

• 49:35Andrew Santino?

  The fucking testing company?

• 49:37Speaker 05

  Abbott Labs.

• 49:39Andrew Santino?

  Abbott Labs is your, your friend's father was the CEO of that?

• 49:42Speaker 05

  CEO, the COO.

• 49:44Andrew Santino?

  Dude, that's so funny. We had very do- the only person I knew that had like, their dad was like, had a com- like a thing in a company, was my friend Tommy. His dad, or his grandfather started La Preferita. Do you remember La Preferita?

• 49:57Speaker 05

  I don't know.

• 49:57Andrew Santino?

  Bring this up. It was like, it's, it's, uh, it was like salsa and Mexican food.

• 50:07Speaker 05

  Salsa?

• 50:07Andrew Santino?

  Canned Mexican food.

• 50:08Speaker 06

  Refried beans.

• 50:09Andrew Santino?

  Refried beans. La- show her La Preferita. You'll remember this truck, cause you've seen this going around the Chicagoland.

• 50:17Andrew Santino?

  But you'll you'll recognize this immediately. Remember La Preferita?

• 50:19Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like, that was the most rich, not not even rich, just that was the most like, Tommy's dad owns La Preferita.

• 50:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, whoa, whoa, big.

• 50:28Andrew Santino?

  So fucking billionaire. Might as well be a billionaire.

• 50:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:31Andrew Santino?

  La Preferita was a big deal. But you remember seeing those trucks as a kid?

• 50:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 50:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, big deal. Tommy, big deal. Shout out Tommy. I don't know where he is right now.

• 50:38Speaker 05

  It was always nice to have rich friends.

• 50:41Andrew Santino?

  Well, I don't, he wasn't, you know what's funny is they weren't like, they didn't live like I thought you would have lived if you owned a company.

• 50:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's true.

• 50:48Andrew Santino?

  Like, I had a couple of kids who, I don't know what their parents did, but they had a lot of money and they had a lot of freedom. Like, their parents didn't care about what they did. But I don't think their parents were important. They just had money from something.

• 50:59Speaker 05

  Dude, the neighborhood next to my neighborhood, it was, it's called Nickels and Dimes, but it's like, it should be called Millions and Billions. It's like the-

• 51:07Andrew Santino?

  Nickels and Dimes?

• 51:08Speaker 05

  Nickels and Dimes.

• 51:09Andrew Santino?

  That's a nickname?

• 51:10Speaker 05

  No, that's the neighborhood name, and it's so rich, and everyone there has a, has a ba- basketball court in their basement.

• 51:17Andrew Santino?

  You're telling me the-

• 51:18Speaker 05

  It's insane.

• 51:19Andrew Santino?

  There's a neighborhood in Illinois called Nickels and Dimes.

• 51:21Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's right next to-

• 51:22Andrew Santino?

  I'm looking this up to call you out on your fucking bullshit.

• 51:25Speaker 05

  I'm trying not to dox myself. Um, well, I guess I don't live there anymore.

• 51:28Andrew Santino?

  Nickels and Dimes.

• 51:30Speaker 06

  Subdivision in Libertyville.

• 51:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 51:31Andrew Santino?

  Oh, my god.

• 51:32Speaker 05

  And my friend used to live there. He, he had the, like, rich, rich kid house and we'd go there.

• 51:37Andrew Santino?

  That is crazy. I've never heard of this in my entire life.

• 51:39Speaker 05

  Oh, my god.

• 51:39Andrew Santino?

  But it's like, yeah, right, it's not-

• 51:40Speaker 05

  Basketball courts in the basement.

• 51:42Andrew Santino?

  In the basement of their home?

• 51:43Speaker 05

  Yes, huge, dude.

• 51:45Andrew Santino?

  Pure chaos.

• 51:46Speaker 05

  It's insane. Oh, that's big for, like, for where, like, this area was. And even next to Libertyville, like, the high school, those homes, basketball courts in the basement.

• 52:00Andrew Santino?

  That was the tell if you were rich, if you had basketball in the basement, I guess.

• 52:02Speaker 05

  Yeah. Huge court, too, not just like a little-

• 52:05Andrew Santino?

  I knew one guy with a basketball court in his basement. He, he, my dad knew him. He was, um,

• 52:12Andrew Santino?

  he was like the pre- vice president at Spalding. He played in my dad's church basketball league. And one time my dad was like, this guy has a basketball court in his basement. I was like, no way. He's like, he's the president of Spalding. Of course he does. And I remember going over there as a kid and being like, whoa, this is fucking weird. But of course, the, the basketball, of cour- he, I think that's probably required. They were like, when we build your house, you gotta have a basketball court.

• 52:34Speaker 05

  You gotta have a, it's hu- it's, it's just the space of it all.

• 52:38Andrew Santino?

  It's very funny to see.

• 52:39Speaker 05

  It's very interesting. Were you, were you a bad kid in high school?

• 52:44Andrew Santino?

  Uh, I was just a shitty student.

• 52:46Speaker 05

  Oh, okay.

• 52:47Andrew Santino?

  I did drugs and I, and I was bad in school. But that's not a bad kid.

• 52:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 52:52Andrew Santino?

  I just hated school.

• 52:53Speaker 05

  I hated school. I was so bad.

• 52:55Andrew Santino?

  School, well, no, you weren't bad. You just probably just didn't like school.

• 52:58Speaker 05

  I didn't like school and I was really, like, in terms of how you learn in the classrooms and everything, I'm really bad at it. Testing, really bad.

• 53:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, but also you're dumb. That is a piece of it, too.

• 53:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'm a huge dumb dumb. I have no brains. I have a peanut for a brain.

• 53:14Andrew Santino?

  You have a little tiny peanut brain.

• 53:15Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 53:16Andrew Santino?

  But it's okay.

• 53:17Speaker 05

  All women do. All women do.

• 53:19Andrew Santino?

  Or UI. Where is it?

• 53:20Speaker 05

  Uh, IU, yeah.

• 53:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, IU.

• 53:23Speaker 05

  Cause they like that.

• 53:24Andrew Santino?

  So, all women, you think all women are stupid? That's what Elle says?

• 53:27Speaker 05

  I'm kidding, I'm kidding, come on.

• 53:29Andrew Santino?

  Sure, dude, it doesn't sound like it.

• 53:30Speaker 05

  Come on!

• 53:30Andrew Santino?

  Clip it, clip it, clip it.

• 53:31Speaker 05

  No, no, no. Uh, all women are super smart, especially me.

• 53:36Andrew Santino?

  See, that sounds even more, uh...

• 53:38Speaker 05

  Fuck you.

• 53:39Andrew Santino?

  Diseng- Don't start with me today, dude, cause you'll get it, you fat fuck. I like the red socks, those are cool.

• 53:45Speaker 05

  Oh, thank you.

• 53:46Andrew Santino?

  That's very cool. Did you not have other socks?

• 53:48Speaker 05

  Uh, I had-

• 53:49Andrew Santino?

  Was that all you brought was re- red socks for this LA trip?

• 53:52Speaker 05

  Why? What do you mean? I'm just wearing them today. They're new.

• 53:55Andrew Santino?

  I've only seen you in red socks.

• 53:56Speaker 05

  Really?

• 53:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 53:58Speaker 05

  Huh.

• 53:59Andrew Santino?

  Let's get you some new socks.

• 54:00Speaker 05

  Okay. These are not my own. I've been wearing black socks. I thought I was wearing... You noticed my socks? Jesus Christ.

• 54:05Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, red socks.

• 54:06Speaker 05

  You're so autistic.

• 54:07Andrew Santino?

  I'm making this up as I go.

• 54:08Speaker 05

  Um, no, I-

• 54:08Andrew Santino?

  But I am a little autistic. I do notice things a lot. I do have a keen sense of, like, I see a lot of things around me that other be- I'll go, "Did you see that?" And they'll go, "No." And then I think, "Why do I see that stuff and no one sees that stuff?"

• 54:19Speaker 05

  Like ghosts?

• 54:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, like people from my past, who are dead.

• 54:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 54:25Andrew Santino?

  Popping up in my- yeah, just haunting me.

• 54:27Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 54:28Andrew Santino?

  Over and over.

• 54:29Speaker 05

  I mean, I don't know, maybe you're just aware of your surroundings. Self-aware? Would you call yourself self-aware?

• 54:37Andrew Santino?

  Uh, self-hating.

• 54:38Speaker 05

  Self-hating? What do you hate about yourself the most? Let's do this. This is fun.

• 54:43Andrew Santino?

  What do I hate about myself the most? Um...

• 54:49Andrew Santino?

  A lot of times, maybe too, I feel like I don't need to be as people pleasing. Like, why do I have to like make sure that everybody is okay?

• 54:55Speaker 05

  That's it?

• 54:57Andrew Santino?

  I hate that. It's not, that's not a reversed engineer. I mean, like, sometimes I care too much to make sure that every other people are happy, and I'm not making myself as happy.

• 55:06Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 55:06Andrew Santino?

  Where it's like, but I, but it's, but it's, it's like an addiction.

• 55:10Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 55:10Andrew Santino?

  Where I'm like, uh,

• 55:14Andrew Santino?

  I, I have to make sure that I text them back, or they'll be like upset at me, or I have to make sure that I make sure I, and if, or if like plans change, and I, and I feel like genuinely guilty, I'm like, hey, sorry, it's not gonna work out that I can, and then they're like,

• 55:25Speaker 05

  That...

• 55:26Andrew Santino?

  Panic pushed me into feeling really bad about it.

• 55:28Speaker 05

  Okay, so you, the thing you hate about yourself the most is that you're a pussy?

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• 57:27Andrew Santino?

  What do you hate about yourself, other than the way you look?

• 57:33Andrew Santino?

  What do you hate about yourself, other than your lack of talent or ability?

• 57:36Speaker 05

  You know, I can't, I hate that I'm afraid to be myself immediately. I think it's the most frustrating thing. Like, I love who I am, but it takes a lot for me to be myself with strangers. And you know those people that...

• 57:51Andrew Santino?

  You're guarded.

• 57:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, there's like a wall that I can't get past, that I try to get past, and when I try, it feels like I'm acting how I think I would act.

• 58:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, we all do that, yeah.

• 58:01Speaker 05

  I'm not just actually being myself. But you know, you meet people who are like, you meet them and you know, this is 100% themselves, and they don't really care.

• 58:09Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 58:10Speaker 05

  Like, that's what I...

• 58:11Andrew Santino?

  Bobby has that. Bobby's him all the time.

• 58:13Speaker 05

  I'm so jealous of that.

• 58:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but I guess it's kind of the same, I'm not kidding, it's kind of the same thing where like, I feel like I want to make sure that everything is all good. So I'm overthinking a lot of the time of like, if I do meet someone for the first time, or it is a first impression, or I'm, like Bobby made fun of me because I met somebody that he was hanging out with, and he's like, "Why are you so fucking inquisitive?" And I was like, "Because I didn't, I wanted her to think that I'm being welcoming." But then, he made me feel bad about it.

• 58:37Speaker 05

  But did you like that person?

• 58:38Andrew Santino?

  I didn't know, I was just trying to be warm.

• 58:40Speaker 05

  You were just trying to be polite, yeah, that's not bad.

• 58:42Andrew Santino?

  No, but it's fake Midwest shit. It is true, we should be more like honest, like, I don't fucking, why do I care so much if she likes the situation?

• 58:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:49Andrew Santino?

  What the fuck gives it, that's the people pleasing thing that I don't... like and I'll break myself up and get upset and mad about it if I'm not if if people in my world I feel like I've let them or they're not satisfied then I get angry then I'm like well sorry we didn't fucking have it

• 59:01Speaker 05

  yeah

• 59:02Andrew Santino?

  sorry we didn't have fucking

• 59:03Speaker 05

  yeah

• 59:04Andrew Santino?

  the exact thing that you wanted

• 59:05Speaker 05

  you know what I I watched curb for the first time in my life recently and

• 59:10Andrew Santino?

  you never saw curb before?

• 59:11Speaker 05

  never saw curb cuz everyone listen I can't watch something if everyone's up my ass about it everyone my whole life is like you gotta watch curb gotta watch curb

• 59:19Andrew Santino?

  you do it's one of the best shows ever

• 59:20Speaker 05

  I I know I now know that and but even I think I watched it in the perfect time of my life because it gave me so much confidence to just be an asshole and like be myself

• 59:33Andrew Santino?

  you are an asshole

• 59:34Speaker 05

  which is an asshole

• 59:35Andrew Santino?

  yeah

• 59:35Speaker 05

  and be okay with that and it's like it's okay if people read you wrong or if they take something the wrong way that's okay cuz you have good intentions you know I'm not not trying to be an asshole but sometimes that's just what it is

• 59:47Andrew Santino?

  yeah but this this and I'm gonna make a point cuz we talked about this literally before the show this is dependent upon your physicality

• 59:53Speaker 05

  what do you mean?

• 59:54Andrew Santino?

  you're a tiny little person

• 59:56Speaker 05

  hey

• 59:56Andrew Santino?

  you are

• 59:57Speaker 05

  clip it

• 59:58Andrew Santino?

  no don't please don't she's a fat fat fuck

• 1:00:00Speaker 05

  no no

• 1:00:01Andrew Santino?

  no fat fuck fat gross fuck loser pig but you're a tiny person right you're like a little blonde girl that's not threatening so we talked about this so if I come if I say some I'm like a a big red person

• 1:00:13Speaker 05

  fat

• 1:00:14Andrew Santino?

  I'm a big red person so when I say something if it comes mean it comes with this energy in this body so then people are like what's his fucking problem shut up you dumb bitch

• 1:00:26Speaker 05

  I know

• 1:00:26Andrew Santino?

  what's this fat fuck no but am I wrong on this we talked about this like the reason that Bobby says wild shit he gets away with it he's a little fat short sweet boy make more noise

• 1:00:36Speaker 05

  god damn it

• 1:00:36Andrew Santino?

  you're fired no but Bobby's a little fat sweet not fat anymore now he's in great shape

• 1:00:41Speaker 05

  I would say Bobby I've I've never met him except right before this podcast where he opened the door for me and we didn't meet but I had to pee so bad so I couldn't say hi but I I I feel like I would be more afraid of Bobby than you

• 1:00:53Andrew Santino?

  that's not true

• 1:00:54Speaker 05

  it is true

• 1:00:54Andrew Santino?

  if I said something if he says something mean to somebody he gets away with it if I say something mean immediately people go he means it Bobby would could could literally look at you and be like, you and you've never met him.

• 1:01:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, never met him bef- be- besides.

• 1:01:07Andrew Santino?

  And he would and he would be like, ugh, your hair is fucking gross. You would laugh at that, but if I said that to you and we had never met before, you'd be like, what's his fucking problem? It's true. It comes with the physical territory. That guy, he says wild shit to people all the time and they go, dude Bobby was so funny. He was like so mean to me. But if I do that even a little bit to someone in public, if I'm like, what's up with that? They're like, well, he was kind of a dick.

• 1:01:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, but.

• 1:01:30Andrew Santino?

  It's the physicality. It's the same thing with comedy. We've said this.

• 1:01:32Speaker 05

  Then allow yourself to be a dick, but.

• 1:01:34Andrew Santino?

  It depends on how it sounds coming out of your face.

• 1:01:36Speaker 05

  I I will agree, but also disagree because there's a lot of people who think I'm a bitch.

• 1:01:41Andrew Santino?

  You are a fucking bitch.

• 1:01:43Speaker 05

  I know, but with, you know, my cuteness and how small and tiny and adorable I am and all like, they're like, what the fuck is up with that girl? And I'm like, I I'm sorry. I didn't say hi to you with the with enough enthusiasm, but I don't give a shit.

• 1:01:56Andrew Santino?

  I think people just think you're cold, maybe.

• 1:01:58Speaker 05

  A hundred percent, but I'm actually a golden retriever level.

• 1:02:02Andrew Santino?

  Right. You're a fucking idiot.

• 1:02:03Speaker 05

  Of warm. And it's.

• 1:02:04Andrew Santino?

  Who likes balls in their mouth? You're a dumb idiot who sheds.

• 1:02:07Speaker 05

  Alright, who told you that? Who told you? That was, that's a secret.

• 1:02:10Andrew Santino?

  Everybody at Indiana University, the whole campus.

• 1:02:14Speaker 05

  LOL.

• 1:02:15Andrew Santino?

  You know what dumb dog you can pump over at, uh, Alpha Phi?

• 1:02:20Speaker 05

  Okay, alright. Okay, alright, but what was I saying? I forgot.

• 1:02:27Andrew Santino?

  I don't know. No, but it depends on your stature. The way people perceive you also has a lot to do with the way you look and the way you carry yourself.

• 1:02:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, I guess.

• 1:02:34Andrew Santino?

  You're you're not threatening.

• 1:02:37Speaker 05

  I I wanna be threatening, dude.

• 1:02:38Andrew Santino?

  But you're not, dude. You're a tiny.

• 1:02:40Speaker 05

  Well, that's what you think.

• 1:02:41Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you're not a tough.

• 1:02:41Speaker 05

  People, people are threatened.

• 1:02:42Andrew Santino?

  You pretend to be tough. You said tough. You say tough shit to me and I'm always like, yeah, right, dude. Get the fuck out.

• 1:02:47Speaker 05

  I am tough. Whoa, whoa.

• 1:02:48Andrew Santino?

  Even the way she says that.

• 1:02:49Speaker 05

  I am tough.

• 1:02:51Andrew Santino?

  I'm the biggest boy at school.

• 1:02:53Speaker 05

  I am. Well, my friend, my friend Steph was saying that the biggest, you know, secret of you, of me, is that I'm actually very lovable and very kind and just a gooey gooey gum jaw.

• 1:03:05Andrew Santino?

  You are a kind person. You are.

• 1:03:07Speaker 05

  But I put on a mean front.

• 1:03:09Andrew Santino?

  It's guarded because of all the trauma you experienced when you were a kid.

• 1:03:13Speaker 05

  No. Maybe. Maybe. No. I don't, I think, I think I just, no, I just don't want to be fucked with. Like, it's so easy, especially in comedy, for people to fuck with you. I don't want to be fucked with, especially. And on top of that, it's like, you know, comedy's all guys. You look at a guy too long, you say hi to a guy, they're like, "Oh, she wants to fuck me."

• 1:03:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:35Speaker 05

  Yeah, you, you, and I'm handsy. I like to talk with my hands. You touch a guy, he's like, "Oh, she wants to fuck me." And so I'm just trying to keep it professional.

• 1:03:44Andrew Santino?

  So, so you're saying part of the guard is to get people to be like, this, I'm not...

• 1:03:48Speaker 05

  This is professional, stay away.

• 1:03:50Andrew Santino?

  I'm not who you think I am.

• 1:03:51Speaker 05

  I'm not, oh my god, I can't even tell you how many times I've complimented men, like, like, "Oh, that was funny." And a guy literally followed me home one time.

• 1:04:00Andrew Santino?

  A co- a comic?

• 1:04:01Speaker 05

  Yes. I won't say it.

• 1:04:02Andrew Santino?

  Say, isn't it? No, you don't have to.

• 1:04:04Speaker 05

  No, but he fol-

• 1:04:04Andrew Santino?

  But we wanna know.

• 1:04:06Speaker 05

  No, he followed me home and he bamboozled his way into my-

• 1:04:08Andrew Santino?

  Followed you home is disgusting and so fucking creepy.

• 1:04:11Speaker 05

  Well, followed me home isn't, you know, he, he, he's like, "Oh, where are you going?" And I'm like, "Oh, back to my neighborhood." And he's like, "Oh, I'm going to a party near there. Let me..."

• 1:04:20Andrew Santino?

  Ah, this was a right, yeah.

• 1:04:21Speaker 05

  Yeah, let me, let me, uh, share an Uber.

• 1:04:24Andrew Santino?

  Can I come inside and use the bathroom?

• 1:04:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:04:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, right, right. And then what, do you talk to this person still?

• 1:04:29Speaker 05

  No, no, I don't.

• 1:04:31Andrew Santino?

  But they're around?

• 1:04:32Speaker 05

  They're around. They're around.

• 1:04:34Andrew Santino?

  I know exactly who it is.

• 1:04:36Speaker 05

  You do?

• 1:04:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I literally know exactly who it is.

• 1:04:38Speaker 05

  Yeah, how?

• 1:04:39Andrew Santino?

  I know it too. Chris Rock.

• 1:04:40Speaker 05

  It's Chris Rock.

• 1:04:41Andrew Santino?

  Who you're thinking about.

• 1:04:42Speaker 05

  It's Kevin Hart. It's Kevin Hart. You sneaky bitch.

• 1:04:46Andrew Santino?

  Let me find you back home and make you move it.

• 1:04:49Andrew Santino?

  We love you Kevin, who definitely isn't watching the show and we know you followed L home Kevin, just say it.

• 1:04:55Speaker 05

  Just say it, come out with it.

• 1:04:58Andrew Santino?

  No, I know what you mean though, you put up a little bit of a guard. To ensure that people don't take you the wrong way.

• 1:05:03Speaker 05

  Yeah, I don't want, I don't want mixed signals.

• 1:05:05Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 1:05:06Speaker 05

  I just send out straight signals.

• 1:05:09Andrew Santino?

  Which is ironic because you're gay.

• 1:05:10Speaker 05

  Cause I'm gay, right.

• 1:05:11Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:05:12Speaker 05

  Do you think, okay, honest question, do you think, like if you didn't know anything about me?

• 1:05:17Andrew Santino?

  Lesbian.

• 1:05:18Speaker 05

  Really?

• 1:05:19Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:05:19Speaker 05

  Without a doubt, you're not kidding?

• 1:05:21Andrew Santino?

  Before I met you, I really, that's what I said, I asked our mutual friend John, I said, she's gay, right?

• 1:05:25Speaker 05

  Are you serious?

• 1:05:26Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah.

• 1:05:26Speaker 05

  Really?

• 1:05:27Andrew Santino?

  I go, she's a big old gay.

• 1:05:29Speaker 05

  Fuck, no, you're, you're doing a bit.

• 1:05:30Andrew Santino?

  I don't know.

• 1:05:31Speaker 05

  You're doing a bit.

• 1:05:32Andrew Santino?

  We'll find out.

• 1:05:32Speaker 05

  I'm actually curious, cause I-

• 1:05:34Andrew Santino?

  No, I didn't think you were gay.

• 1:05:36Speaker 05

  I am who I am, but I, I don't want people, not that I-

• 1:05:39Andrew Santino?

  Do you think you give gay?

• 1:05:41Speaker 05

  I think, I've, I've confused a couple lesbians in my past. By a couple, I mean a lot.

• 1:05:48Andrew Santino?

  What are the, how do, what are the, like, you've had a girl come up to you and be like, come on, and you're like, no, no, I'm not, and they're like, come on.

• 1:05:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, women, um, approached me, and at first I was confused, cause I didn't think they were hitting on me, cause this is, they'll say like, oh, I like your style. And I'm like, oh, thanks, and they're like, we should hang out, I'm like, oh, yeah, let's hang out.

• 1:06:06Andrew Santino?

  So you've been, you've been-

• 1:06:07Speaker 05

  But I didn't know they were hitting on me, I thought that they just wanted to be my friend.

• 1:06:10Andrew Santino?

  Like you went to, did you go to hang out and then they tried to hook up and you're like, whoa, no, I'm not, we're friends?

• 1:06:14Speaker 05

  We never ended up, uh, hanging out, but we were texting and then, when we were texting, they're like, oh, like, you're sexy, and I'm like, you too, girl, and I was like, and then I showed my friend, I was like, is this, we, I, I don't really call my friend sexy, so maybe she was just more girly than me, and I asked my friend and, and I told her the whole situation, and she was like, yeah, Ella, she's hitting on you. And then, and she also invited me to like a cabin, to go upstate with her.

• 1:06:42Andrew Santino?

  Do it.

• 1:06:43Speaker 05

  No, I can't.

• 1:06:44Andrew Santino?

  What's going on up there, maybe have fun?

• 1:06:45Speaker 05

  Ah, I mean, I've made out with girls in high school as fun, for fun, you know?

• 1:06:50Andrew Santino?

  Girlfriends or strangers?

• 1:06:51Speaker 05

  Uh, my friends who are girls.

• 1:06:53Andrew Santino?

  That are gay, or just for, just to test the water?

• 1:06:56Speaker 05

  Not even test water, just like, you're drunk, I mean, this one girl in high school, like, she just, she loved making out with me, and at one point, I was like, listen, we gotta just chill.

• 1:07:04Andrew Santino?

  She's like, what if we do it naked this time?

• 1:07:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, I was like, honey, I, this is fun, I will make out with anyone, I had a stint for a while. Where I was really into making out with gay guys. I love making out with gay guys.

• 1:07:19Andrew Santino?

  Wait, why, just, but how does that even happen? Out at a gay bar, you mean?

• 1:07:24Speaker 05

  Just, uh, California. It'll happen in California.

• 1:07:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you live here long enough, it is gonna happen.

• 1:07:27Speaker 05

  I went to Coachella and I, um, made out with my gay friend for a while. It's just fun, cuz there's like, you know, they don't wanna have sex with you, so it's so like, there's no pressure, it's just like.

• 1:07:38Andrew Santino?

  It's just fun.

• 1:07:38Speaker 05

  And gay guys are great kissers.

• 1:07:40Andrew Santino?

  Well, yeah, cuz they care.

• 1:07:41Speaker 05

  They care, and they, they care about, well, they care about sex, and they care about like, all that stuff.

• 1:07:47Andrew Santino?

  But what's hap- so after you kiss, that then what? You just, you make out with these gay guys?

• 1:07:50Speaker 05

  And then you keep on dancing. And you're like, yeah, let's make out again.

• 1:07:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, foster the people, woo!

• 1:07:55Speaker 05

  And then you don't have to like, and then you can leave and come back, you don't have this guys like, where are you going, like, I thought we were gonna do something.

• 1:08:01Andrew Santino?

  We're gonna hook up?

• 1:08:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, we're gonna, no, it's like, and then when I, I tried to bring that back to New York, and make out with gay guys in New York, and they're like, no, I'm gay. It's ki- it gives.

• 1:08:14Andrew Santino?

  So New York gays are stuck up, is what you're saying? We have better gays out here.

• 1:08:16Speaker 05

  You have way better gays, more, free gays.

• 1:08:18Andrew Santino?

  More fun gays.

• 1:08:19Speaker 05

  More fun gays. The gays in New York, they, I think it's a status thing, they're like, we don't want people knowing that have made out. I don't think they want the gay community knowing that they've made out with a girl.

• 1:08:30Andrew Santino?

  California, better gays.

• 1:08:33Speaker 05

  Uh, California, better gays.

• 1:08:34Andrew Santino?

  California, the best gays.

• 1:08:36Speaker 05

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:08:37Andrew Santino?

  New York, stuck up gays.

• 1:08:40Speaker 05

  Stuck up bitch, yeah, just like, whatever, make out with me, I'm basically a guy.

• 1:08:45Andrew Santino?

  That's your pitch? Make out with me, dude, kinda, kind of a dude.

• 1:08:50Speaker 05

  One time a guy said no, and I'm like, why not? And he's like, I'm gay, I don't think you're attracted, I'm like, you can do it, and he's like, no. I love Brokeback Mountain.

• 1:08:59Andrew Santino?

  I like you bullying gay guys into making out with you is so funny to me. Have you talked about it on stage?

• 1:09:04Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:09:04Andrew Santino?

  You should, cuz that's so funny. Just the idea is very funny to be like, I bullied gay guys to hook up with me.

• 1:09:09Speaker 05

  I was like, come on, I, I did feel bad for it, cuz I was kinda, I was like, just fucking do it, don't be gay.

• 1:09:14Andrew Santino?

  Don't be gay, dude, kiss me, fag, what are you doing, dude? Prove to me that you're gay. Make out with me right now.

• 1:09:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:09:22Andrew Santino?

  And say yuck afterwards.

• 1:09:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Prove yourself.

• 1:09:25Andrew Santino?

  A gay bu- a gay bully. You're a gay bully.

• 1:09:27Speaker 05

  I'm a gay bully.

• 1:09:28Andrew Santino?

  Whatever.

• 1:09:29Speaker 05

  Where am I on the spectrum? I'm so, I'm so straight. I love gay guys.

• 1:09:34Andrew Santino?

  Hmm, you think you're that straight?

• 1:09:35Speaker 05

  I am that straight. Like, when two gay men are making out, hot.

• 1:09:41Andrew Santino?

  You love that.

• 1:09:41Speaker 05

  That's hot. I s- I stop so I could take a picture in my mind.

• 1:09:46Andrew Santino?

  Cause you love two men, you love men so much, you think, oh, I don't even care if they're gay.

• 1:09:50Speaker 05

  I'm telling you, Brokeback Mountain, there needs to be a sequel.

• 1:09:54Andrew Santino?

  There can't be.

• 1:09:55Speaker 05

  Why?

• 1:09:56Andrew Santino?

  One of them's dead.

• 1:09:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, but there can be like another round of two cowboys that go up to the mountain.

• 1:10:03Andrew Santino?

  Okay, who would be your two? In the new two? Who's the new two Broke- who's Brokeback Two? Who is it?

• 1:10:07Speaker 05

  Okay, Jacob Elordi and it has to be someone hot. Ooh, maybe Tom Hardy?

• 1:10:16Andrew Santino?

  Jacob Elordi, Tom Hardy. I actually could see that. But you know who, well, Shalhoub's the new hot guy.

• 1:10:21Speaker 05

  No, we can't do, we can't.

• 1:10:23Andrew Santino?

  You're done with Shalhoub?

• 1:10:24Speaker 05

  No, we can't do the lesbian. I'm sorry, he's a lesbian.

• 1:10:27Andrew Santino?

  You think Tim- Timothy Shalhoub's a lesbian?

• 1:10:29Speaker 05

  He is a lesbian. He's built like a lesbian, he looks like a lesbian, he, I've not-

• 1:10:32Andrew Santino?

  And this is coming from you.

• 1:10:33Speaker 05

  Listen, if he was in this room right now, I'd say yes, but he just, he's not, I guess he's just not my type. And that's okay. He's not ugly. I don't want to shame anybody. Um, but he's, yeah, he's beautiful. He's a beautiful boy. He would be, do great during the Greek times.

• 1:10:50Andrew Santino?

  Oh, they would have loved him, dude. Go to a bathhouse with Shalhoub. He also already was in a gay movie. What was the gay movie he was in? The one with Armie Hammer in him.

• 1:10:58Speaker 05

  Oh, that was a hot movie.

• 1:11:00Andrew Santino?

  What is that?

• 1:11:00Speaker 05

  Call Me By Your Name?

• 1:11:01Andrew Santino?

  Call Me By Your Name.

• 1:11:02Speaker 05

  I know, I don't think I ever saw that. Did I ever see that?

• 1:11:05Andrew Santino?

  I don't know.

• 1:11:06Speaker 05

  Armie Hammer.

• 1:11:07Andrew Santino?

  I don't remember it, though. Call Me By My Name?

• 1:11:09Speaker 05

  Call Me By Your Name.

• 1:11:10Andrew Santino?

  Came out like 2018, I think. No, the last gay movie I saw was Moonlight. That was a long time ago. Also 2018. Was it the same year, same year? Maybe, maybe, uh, Call Me By My Name was the year after. That was our- That's why we all got COVID.

• 1:11:23Andrew Santino?

  That was the Chinese cursing us for putting out back to back banger gay movies. They're like, no more gay movies. That's it, covid.

• 1:11:32Speaker 05

  That's so good.

• 1:11:33Andrew Santino?

  Everybody gets covid.

• 1:11:33Speaker 06

  Oh, wait, Moonlight was actually 2017.

• 1:11:35Andrew Santino?

  It was.

• 1:11:35Speaker 06

  Cause that was the same year as La La Land.

• 1:11:37Andrew Santino?

  Another gay movie.

• 1:11:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, for sure.

• 1:11:40Andrew Santino?

  See, this is a pattern. All these gay movies sweeping and then finally Hollywood was like, no more gay shit. Only superheroes, which are gay, but we're quiet about it.

• 1:11:50Speaker 05

  But in a different way.

• 1:11:51Andrew Santino?

  Different way gay. I think we should only make, you know what, movies I think, everything should, movies should stop, except for Minions movies.

• 1:11:59Speaker 05

  Oh my god, they're so good. Back to back to back.

• 1:12:03Andrew Santino?

  So there hasn't been a miss of all the Minion franchise, there has not been a miss.

• 1:12:07Speaker 05

  Also Kung Fu Panda.

• 1:12:09Andrew Santino?

  Kung Fu Panda can come and go for me a little bit.

• 1:12:11Speaker 05

  Say what?

• 1:12:11Andrew Santino?

  Well, my best friend is Korean, it's a little sensitive with us.

• 1:12:14Speaker 05

  Oh, shut up.

• 1:12:15Andrew Santino?

  No, it is. He's very, he's very.

• 1:12:16Speaker 05

  He doesn't like it?

• 1:12:18Andrew Santino?

  He's against it.

• 1:12:19Speaker 05

  Against it? It's hilarious.

• 1:12:20Andrew Santino?

  Well, they never hired him to do a voice, so it's, if it's an Asian movie, he's not in it, he fucking hates it.

• 1:12:24Speaker 05

  Okay, well.

• 1:12:25Andrew Santino?

  Which makes sense.

• 1:12:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, it makes sense, but it is a hilarious movie and a great franchise.

• 1:12:29Andrew Santino?

  But why wouldn't they put him in it?

• 1:12:31Speaker 05

  I don't know. Well, they, they chose Jack Black, which is.

• 1:12:36Andrew Santino?

  A great choice.

• 1:12:37Speaker 05

  A great choice.

• 1:12:38Andrew Santino?

  But he could have been in something in it.

• 1:12:40Speaker 05

  I know, he could have been like a duck or something. What?

• 1:12:43Andrew Santino?

  Is that a Chinese joke thing?

• 1:12:45Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:12:46Andrew Santino?

  He'd hang it in a window.

• 1:12:47Speaker 05

  They're all Chinese animals.

• 1:12:49Andrew Santino?

  They're not all Chinese animals.

• 1:12:51Speaker 05

  There's a lion.

• 1:12:52Andrew Santino?

  That's not Chinese. How's that Chinese?

• 1:12:54Speaker 05

  Oh, sorry, not a lion, a tiger. Tigers are Asian.

• 1:12:57Andrew Santino?

  They can be, they're every, they're all over.

• 1:12:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, but they're in Asia for the most part.

• 1:13:01Andrew Santino?

  They are absolutely in Asia. Yeah, you're right.

• 1:13:02Speaker 05

  There's a pan, uh, what, panda?

• 1:13:04Andrew Santino?

  Well, panda's a, it's in the title, yeah, so that's in there.

• 1:13:07Speaker 05

  Okay, and then there's, there's a duck.

• 1:13:11Andrew Santino?

  Ducks are international.

• 1:13:12Speaker 05

  But not this duck. If you.

• 1:13:14Andrew Santino?

  This is a Chinese duck.

• 1:13:16Speaker 05

  This is a Chinese duck, and then, and then what are the other animals? Oh, there's.

• 1:13:21Andrew Santino?

  The duck should hang out with.

• 1:13:22Speaker 05

  The lion, I think Angelina Jolie's in this one too. She's like a panther.

• 1:13:27Andrew Santino?

  Your crush? I think the ducks, uh, the duck should hang out with a bowl of fried rice. What? What were you gonna say?

• 1:13:33Speaker 06

  I was just saying, there's a monkey, a viper, a mantis.

• 1:13:37Andrew Santino?

  These are all international animals. Monkeys, yeah, no, no, monkeys are everywhere.

• 1:13:41Speaker 05

  Mantis?

• 1:13:41Speaker 06

  A crane.

• 1:13:42Andrew Santino?

  A praying mantis?

• 1:13:44Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:13:45Andrew Santino?

  Those are all over the place. We have them here in the United States.

• 1:13:47Speaker 05

  It was in Mulan too.

• 1:13:48Andrew Santino?

  And he wasn't in Mulan either. We also don't support that film.

• 1:13:51Speaker 05

  Oh, but he, how old was he when Mulan came out? Mulan came out like-

• 1:13:55Andrew Santino?

  Bobby's 54 years old.

• 1:13:57Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:13:58Andrew Santino?

  He was plenty old enough to be in fucking Mulan.

• 1:14:00Speaker 05

  Okay, okay, okay. I didn't know, I didn't know.

• 1:14:03Andrew Santino?

  I'm fighting for my best friend.

• 1:14:04Speaker 05

  Okay, yeah, good for you. You're a good friend. You're a good friend.

• 1:14:08Andrew Santino?

  Good irony.

• 1:14:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:14:10Andrew Santino?

  I'm a bad friend.

• 1:14:10Speaker 05

  Bad friend. Bad friend, good friend.

• 1:14:12Andrew Santino?

  Bad friend, good friend. Elle, um-

• 1:14:15Speaker 05

  Santino.

• 1:14:15Andrew Santino?

  I fuck you, I hate you, thank you for the lime.

• 1:14:18Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 1:14:19Andrew Santino?

  I hope you, almost no success in the comedy world.

• 1:14:22Speaker 05

  I appreciate that.

• 1:14:23Andrew Santino?

  I hope you fail out very soon. Um, you're very funny.

• 1:14:26Speaker 05

  Whoa.

• 1:14:27Andrew Santino?

  You're very funny. You know, I love you.

• 1:14:28Speaker 05

  Clip it.

• 1:14:29Andrew Santino?

  I had to take it back. You're very funny. You know, I love you very much. Uh, you wanna plug any dates? You got any dates coming up, or just go to your website? Go to your dumb fucking stupid website.

• 1:14:36Speaker 05

  Go to my website. Ooh, but, but I will be in, um, Nashville and Chicago in January and those are-

• 1:14:43Andrew Santino?

  Where are you playing in Chicago?

• 1:14:44Speaker 05

  Uh, Zany's.

• 1:14:45Andrew Santino?

  Downtown? Old Town?

• 1:14:46Speaker 05

  Old Town.

• 1:14:47Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that's the best. That's great. That's great. That'll be fun.

• 1:14:49Speaker 05

  That'll be, that's-

• 1:14:50Andrew Santino?

  Zany's and then-

• 1:14:51Speaker 05

  Four shows.

• 1:14:52Andrew Santino?

  Four shows downtown at Zany's. January, Chicago fans, please go see her. She's one of us. Uh, she's be giving, she'll be giving out Elle's beef at, uh, in between shows.

• 1:15:01Speaker 05

  Alright.

• 1:15:01Andrew Santino?

  Um, and then where in Nashville? At Zany's as well.

• 1:15:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:15:05Andrew Santino?

  Which I fucking love. That's one of my favorite clubs in the world. Shout out to Zany's Nashville. Uh, go to, uh, elleorlando.com?

• 1:15:13Speaker 05

  No, it's punchuplive slash elleorlando.

• 1:15:15Andrew Santino?

  Oh, right. You sold it to them. Right. Everybody does this now. Punchuplive.com slash elleorlando, but we can put the link in the description down below. So go see her live. Um, a funny human being. Uh, and I thank you for coming on the show. We end the show the same way. You look into that camera, you say one word or one phrase to end the episode, whenever you're ready.

• 1:15:35Speaker 05

  I can't say it.

• 1:15:37Andrew Santino?

  Say it.

• 1:15:38Speaker 05

  Faggot.

• 1:15:38Speaker 02

  And here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 1:15:44Speaker 07

  You're that creature in the ginger beard. It's sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

• 1:15:50Speaker 03

  Gingers are beautiful. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey and seventy-five dollars for the horse. Ginger? Oh, hell no.

• 1:15:57Speaker 04

  This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.